Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Double Yellow. Fleece Blanket. Sticker. Crematorium.

Episode Date: February 19, 2025

Picture yourself out on a nice date at a local watering hole with that special someone. However, this particular bar is located on death row so everyone has to overlook the executions. Yikes. Let's talk about that, a couple's dispute about aggressive road rage, a completely tone-deaf commercial about helping homeless children, an insurance company getting double screwed by screwing over a college kid, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/4yE053iDyi8Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Double yellow, fleece blanket, sticker, crematorium. Oh man. I'm a little bit sick. i was sick last was that last week last week you were throwing up that's right you yeah right in the middle of the show so if you get a lot of that today listen i'm sorry but what am i supposed to do not cough oh it's not my choice not come no what i I supposed to do? Not cough? Oh, I thought you were going to say what I'm supposed to do. Not cum? No. What am I supposed to do? Not cum? No. While I'm coughing? You get some coughing today.

I apologize. Just do it right in the camera. That's what they like. Oh, I get it. Or sorry. Microphone. Microphone. Microphone.

Yeah, we were joking around before we started recording. The only bonus of being a little bit sick is that your voice is a little bit deeper real deeper hello joe i wish my voice could get that low too deep joe hello joe hello joe episode 140 of can you don't sign up for patreon at patreon.com slash can you don't podcast of course you can gift a patreon subscription if you're in the position to do that which i think you're in the gate position i think it's doggy style yeah yeah all right you can face down ass up that's the way we'd like to get your on give patreon yeah face down ass up that's the way we like to give patreon subscriptions yep it rhymes sort of nice send stuff in for the show

the email address is heyguysyoucandydontpodcast.com be sure to check out Scatcast you're not sick right Zach? no, you've done it? you're a sick individual we know that we're trying not to let people know that though it goes against the business practices he's got his suit on in the back

we're not trying to let people know have you listened to you? like who you are as a person? It's not great. Yeah, you do your own damage. I do just a quick little Joe Neighborly update for everybody. Last week's Petty Beef. Tell us about the cunt!

I mean, there's no new involvements. Like nothing has happened outside of the show. But I just want to give a, an update on the tally. Cause the petty beef last week was about the neighbor who was yelling at me about parking and saying, I'm being tried to be fucking neighborly. Well, it's a weird way to do it while he's saying you got a fucking problem in front of his kid.

Like it was a whole fucking dumb thing. You got a fucking problem. So I asked for input from the kids and we got it. And it is 100% on the side of i need to just park in his spot on his yard or get his car towed there was one comment i don't remember if it was a comment or an email um but it was about like no i i this guy fucking sucks but here you should check this out because it's about neighbors going crazy and killing everyone and i was like okay see that's and i we talked about that too in petty beef it

was like i don't know if he's fucking crazy you don't know what he's capable of this turns into something nuts like he might come over here with a machete i don't fucking know and i'll have time for that you know what i don't like about his house you don't slow all type if i got one fucking arm i'm already not lightning fast 20f siri for slow things way down you know i don't like about his house what is that it's not in line with your house yeah it's like on our property it's weird so like most people's houses you look out your front door you're like looking at the other guy's porch given a couple feet all the doors line up pretty much on the street you know the give or take maybe five feet ten feet this is like around guy's porch. Given a couple feet, all the doors line up. Pretty much line up.

On the street, yeah. You know, give or take maybe five feet, ten feet. This is like around the corner and back. He's set back. He's in your blind spot. Yeah. He could be doing anything right now. I know.

I don't like that. Yeah, he'd be fucking, hopefully he's growing teeth. Oh, yeah! I thought you were going to say growing tits. I'm going to milk him. Anyway, so that's the update. If you guys have anything to say about that, Petty B, if you can keep sending that in again, that's heyguysatcanyouknowpodcast.com.

This is a, it could be a little emotional way to open up the show. You fucking wrote it. I just copied it from last week's script. Zach! Roll it! What? Roll the fucking thing! No.

You weren't ready, were you? Gotta be nicer. Oh. Zach, will you please roll the thing? Oh. No. No. You gotta yell at me more.

Nothing worse. Give it to him! I can't, my throat hurts. I'll do it. You fucking bitch! Hey, shut up! It's not the show already! You big dumb bitch!

You big dumb bitch! It actually applies to you, Zach. It does, very much so. You big dumb preppy bitch with your suit. I'm all that. No, we're firing off the show today with one of these. Would you rather choose or let your partner choose who they have an affair with? That's an interesting thought, isn't it?

I don't even know how i thought of it and there's different ways that you could go about it right i i mean again just because the way my brain works he's like no no i got it and you just pick someone they're gonna fucking hate it you're like see told you sex with me wasn't that bad that's a good all those complaints you had look at it look how lucky you're like you're like quick run quit saying yep yep yep yep are you gonna come yep so now you tell me and you let them fuck you know some whatever down the street then you know then you get to know who to look out for it's like that's her type okay now i know so you learned something at least right if you get to

choose oh she gets to choose yeah if she chooses then it's like oh that's her type is that yeah and i'm not it's like complete opposite from you it looks nothing like she got to do this all over i wouldn't stand a chance no i don't even I'm lucky. I'm just happy to be here. I'm just happy to be inside you. So my love handles were a problem. I thought so. I thought you said you liked the little... You said they were perfect size.

You said my love handles were the perfect grip. More gripping for the ripping? Sure. I don't know. For the pushing, gripping for the ripping? Gripping for the ripping. Tummy for the cummy? Tummy for the cummy. Tummy for the cummy?

Nice. Yeah, I like that one. Never heard that one. The trademark, Joe. It's right there on the spot. Reservoir, belly button reservoir, cum reservoir. But then there's the other side of the relationship where if you're going to find yourself in a spot where like, again, this conversation is happening, right?

Like, I just need to go fuck. I got to fucking suck some other dicks. I got to suck another dick. She's saying this? Sure. Yeah. In the conversation, the relationship has gotten to a point where that's what's happening. Would you want to be in a position to make sure she sucks the grossest dick?

Or do you care about her happiness enough? You're like, well, at least she can enjoy this dick. I mean, it's happiness enough you're like well at least polished nice she can enjoy this dick that's i mean it's a nice dick it's like the you're sitting favorite you're in the room you're getting to watch and you're kind of and you go like you kind of whistle at this dick like it's a good one dixie you get it fucking tell me but like it's a it's a nice... You're sucking, like you found a sucker, you're sucking along. And again, I have to, I feel

weird saying nice dick. I mean, at that point, it's a cock. That's a nice cock. Right? You don't just say, oh my god, that's a nice dick. Well, for me, cock and dick, it's the size of it. Like if I see, like if I'm watching porn, it's a really big old meaty cock. Yeah, you're like, dang, you like thank you nice dick are there rules for the cucking position i don't

i don't know the rules no i just think you're you're just browsing okay window shopping your window something i don't know what it is but you're you're not you're not purchasing you it's like standing outside of a victoria's secret while you watch your wife go inside i guess that's what nice you know you're not you know you're not buying then you can just kind of like i can go i can go into this knowing i'm not buying so i don't i don't have any expectations sure you know you ever do that yeah you're like i'm i mean i'm i'm wasting time those in-betweens where you're just walking around checking things out but if i if my tires were changed an hour faster

i wouldn't fucking be here yeah yeah no impulse sometimes you go but let's say you just bought a new car and you're like you're wandering around your friends buy a new car you're like i'm good i got the car i want yeah yeah let's go see what piece of shit you're gonna get you're not worried about like ah shoot should have got that we're like like, no, I'm content. Okay. And I know that we have listeners out there that are in like open relationships. And I feel like this question maybe isn't for them. No, not at all. Because this is what you, this is your daily life. And there is relationships that are open-ish in a sense.

It's like, this is who I'm talking to. And they basically decide together whether it's okay to go and fuck this person. Again, not a world I've ever been a part of. It seems it's, you're just like, I,

it's just so weird and so foreign. I get it, but I've just never done it. And it's not necessarily for me to be in that situation, but understand that, you know, it could happen. I guess if you work it out,

I feel like that shit would break my brain a little bit. Yeah. Either you're wired that way or you're not. And I guess as life goes on, you might reach a point where you're like, dude, I'm, I'm happy.

I'm hope I'm happy here. Our house is happy. Just go fuck some stuff. Go fuck it up. You know, just get out of here and fucking fuck all this up. That's weird. But that's just like the monogamous mahogany.

See, I wonder. Mahoganous. I think so. Nice. Sometimes I wonder, like, you know, you think, like, your spouse, you know guys are, like, you just, like, you see something, you're like, hey, it's like fucking me. But sometimes you wonder, like, is your wife,

does she ever have that same, like, see, like, a dude walking by and she's like, man, I'd like to take a run at that. Or slap that dick around. Mm-hmm. Punch it. I'd fucking punch that dick and bite it. Yeah. And you're like, hmm.

Like a cat with a... With a chew toy. Yeah, or like a dog with a chew toy. A plastic ball with a bell inside. Uh-huh. No, it's like... I'm gonna get it. Like, what would sting more?

Like, let's say I'm gonna pick somebody and I'm like, well, I want it to be somebody. Maybe I want it to be somebody I know so she feels comfortable. But then you're like, how does that feel? But then if you left it up to her and she's like, if you're like, who would you? And she'd be like, oh, John down the street. You're like, oh, shit. That was a little quick. Oh, our neighbor.

Like, you almost have to. Too close. If she had to think about it a little bit, I guess so and so that I would feel better. But if she's just like, yeah, John down the street, I'd be like. I've been thinking about sucking that fucking dick for years. That would sting a little bit. And you're like, whoa.

He was just over. I know. And the whole time he was here, I was thinking about sucking that dick. Yeah. That way you got all the popsicles and suckers for all the kids and. Yeah yeah if your brain's not in the right spot it's it's gonna be a disaster either way but do you get to choose somebody like let's just say that like you chose a friend that's what i was thinking like somebody you know and you look at their personality and you're like okay you guys can fucking do this.

And then afterwards, we just go back to normal? Well, assuming the vagina bounces back, which I think it takes a while, I'm not picking you. Because then it'll be all gait, and then I have to follow that. Oh, yeah! Like, okay, in six months, we'll take another stab at it Hopefully it bounces back You said the bottle bounces back

Dude yeah and so do vagines Yeah it might take a little bit though Some kegels Sure kegels and bagels baby That's what my daddy's always say Wake up Wake her up take her out for kegels and bagels Kegels and bagels baby that's what my daddy's always say wake up wake up wake her up take her out for kegels and bagels get you get you kegels on an empty stomach you know if i can't do kegels i ain't got no bagels

amen pass the breadsticks i don't know man that's a tough those are all you can eat pass the breadsticks dad dad you can't talk's a tough Those are all you can eat Pass the breadsticks Dad Dad you can't talk about Kegels and bagels At Olive Garden Oh man I miss the days When you could go

In Olive Garden Talk about kegels And bagels Yeah Ah Those are the You know what Another reason I miss the 90s

Is that not like a That's like That's like a new wave Workout place You got your hot yogas You got all these places. Are you fucking... You got goat yoga?

I gotta look this up. Kegels and bagels has to exist. Yeah, right. It's too good. It is too good. Isn't it Kegels, though? Sure. Kegels and beagles?

Kegels and beagles? Kegels play with dogs and... I mean, they got goat yoga. That's true. So, I mean, Kegels and Beagles. Kegels and Bagels. Look at... Let's see.

Look at this guy making a million dollars. I mean, there's not a whole lot of... Good job on your Kegels. There's a band called Kegels and Bagels. Okay. So, we're not first to the party. I mean, it's not all over the place, though.

It's not like a woo is a prominent thing. A couple assholes like us thought of it, and they're trying something. Yeah, do they have the website, though? That's who owns it. Can we sue them? I'm going to look up. Is it copyrighted? Trademarked? bagels.com

Looks like this domain isn't connected to a website. Buy it. Free. Dude, I also like Kegels and Beagles, though. That is really good. Yeah, tighten that puss up. Fucking pet a dog. Those are both good things.

Just need a food source, and that's all you need for life. Is that how you spell Beagle? Beagle? Beagle. Beagle. But I think let your partner choose. Isn't there a side of it? Like I, even if you were in this situation and your partner was going to have an affair,

wouldn't you just want it to be with someone you didn't fucking know? Isn't that a huge part of it? Yes. Like just have it happen and they can come back, and that increases the chances of you just being like, didn't even fucking happen. Move on. They don't talk. And sure, there might be some trust issues. But what if she likes it, and then she starts a new thing?

Well, then you're gone. You address that later, but it seems like the highest chance of coming coming back if you're not in an open relationship or in any relationship that this is a a fucking option having it be somebody where you don't even know who they are just go and then just come back to this adequate run-of-the-mill penis i don't know if it matters for my brain you're running the mill your standard big tit your standard big titty pecker run-of-the-mill penis. I don't know if it matters for my brain. You're a run-of-the-mill... You're a standard big-titted... You're a standard big-tittied pecker. Red-bested,

red-breasted... Red-breasted, kegel... Kegel-titty. No, sorry, Zach, what were you going to say? I don't remember. I was laughing at what you were saying. You're just jerking off? Yeah. No, you just want it to go away.

Just have it happen and have it disappear i i was gonna say that i don't think it matters in my brain it's like once the betrayal exists yeah then it's so my brain is not ready for that at all yeah yeah yeah but it it's not like but if you could set it up does that help at all like you it's like planning a baby shower it's like planning a baby shower that you don't want to be a part of and you're not allowed to be a part you're not allowed to be a part of it dick balloons and no but you set it up like you go out like you're a talent scout like in a bar and you're like dude my wife would love this fucking dick like talking dudes like oh my god interviews interviews and auditions. In the restroom.

Yeah. You're like, it's going to sound crazy, but if you want to, here's a picture of my wife. Yeah, would you fuck? He's like, yeah, she's attractive. All right, let me see that dick. And you're just like, you have a little clipboard and some readers. Like check on off certain things. She likes it really small.

She says she likes it. It says it's perfect. She says mine's fine. Yeah. And he's like, no, I She says she likes it. She says it's perfect. She says mine's fine. He's like, no. I know that she loves you. I can tell that she loves you. Is this another stranger's looking at your dick?

Wait, are you reading my dick? Am I reading your dick? What's going on here? You bring a lot more to the table. He's like, no, she says mine is perfect. So now you guys both have your dick out in a bar or a restroom? In a restroom. Somebody walks in. She promises mine is perfect. So now you guys both have your dick out in a bar or a restroom? In a bedroom. Somebody walks in. She promises mine is perfect.

So I just want to make sure that your dick is like mine. He goes, dude, no one's dick's like that. It's a fucking horseshoe. You found a special lady. You found a special. She must really love you. You must be funny. God, you must be funny.

How much money did you make? No one's touching that dick. You're like, get your dick out of here! And you close your clipboard up. Nah, you will never fuck my wife! And just fit that little pin on a clipboard, that sound, where you just like the little

We got a lineup. Everyone is done taking a piss Like alright turn around leave your dick out Leave your dick out uh huh Curve to the left she likes it to the right She likes a dog leg right you got a dog leg left Alright what's your name Kevin doesn't matter get out of here There's no way you're fucking my wife

Yeah Maybe you'll see some hog and you're like There's a part like If you're gonna go through All the trouble Don't you want it to be fun? You want I mean

No Cause you don't want her To have fun You want her to be like That sucked I miss you But also do you? Yes

Do you want It's just about dicks? Do you want your You want your wife To go out And be like Have the best sex Of her life

And she's like Well there's no coming back From this Like I have to go back To your run of the mill Blue titted boobie Dick be like get the best sex of her life and she's like well there's no coming back from this like i have to go back to your run-of-the-mill blue-titted boobie dick you're fucking this i guess this will do penis yeah because i love you this makeshift dick is this thing even real scotch tape what is this get a glue gun you fucking hobo yeah i don't want her coming back with with like a bar set up here okay but like you also have a relationship and a marriage and kids and yeah but maybe the right dick could change all that you never know it's all hanging by a dick

so you're gonna pick something that it's all just hanging by a dick all right you're gonna pick something that is less than you and you get to choose exactly who she goes and fuck i don't know what i'm doing i just know we'll make a fucking choice well i just if so if i'm picking whose dicks are one second okay here's here's the deal if i can't say let's say uh if i have to choose i'm not going to i'm not going to a gym. Well, maybe I am because there could be some yoked at dude that's just all about himself and he's just like, few pumps and he's done and she's like, well, that

sucked. Dude, connection sex, just the normal don't know you sex, huge difference. It's not even close. So that's not part of it. You don't want to just get out there and you fucking take a hog for a spin?

Not really. Huh. Nope. I don't want her to ride off in the sunset on someone else's dick. Leave the kids behind. She's like, well, I'm going to go do this for a bit. What's the name of that movie? Hogs?

Oh, yeah. Huh? And, uh. Yeah. It's a hot rod or a hot dogs or something and uh fucking yeah that's a great movie actually you want that and martin them fucking your wife right or do you i don't care they mean nothing they mean nothing to they mean your wife means nothing to them so they're out of here the blocker number What if you were like okay I'll just do a celebrity I'll let her

Live her fantasy With so and so One of the Liam The big beefy guys Who am I talking Liam you know the big guy The Thor guy That guy

I don't want Thor What if Thor drops his hammer and she's like holy shit. He'll block her. What? He'll block her. She's not, she's got him just by riding his dick. What if he falls in love?

Then you should be happy for them. Because their stepdad is gonna be fucking Thor. Gonna be badass stepdad. Yeah, you're gonna be lesser Are you fucking Thor. It's going to be badass stepdad time. Yeah, you're going to be lesser. Are you fucking kidding me? You're going to be sad, but you got a story. You lose your wife to Thor, and you lose your kids to Thor. Who are you?

You're nothing. You better work on yourself. What you're going to need is a couple coupons for therapy, which I think that Thor knows a guy. That's what I have right. With my kids, my kids think I'm the best, dude. Like, I'm the funniest guy ever. We do so much fun stuff.

I do YouTube for a living. My kids love that. I forgot your kids aren't old enough to realize how big of a piece of shit you are. Right now, I'm the greatest thing. Yeah, but there's like... It's great. You got like four or five years left. Time to get some competition

up in this bitch. You might as well let them have Thor as a stepdad. Are you even a good dad if Thor can't be their stepdad? I mean, you're not wrong because they have... I mean, we have Thor's hammer at home.

It's like they... That's what you nickname your penis? Yeah. Can we go out and get Thor's hammer? We got Thor's hammer at home, kids. It's not they... That's what you nickname your penis? Yeah. Can we go out and get Thor's hammer? We got Thor's hammer at home, kids. It's not the same. Fuck yeah, it is. Mommy, tell him about Thor's hammer.

I want to fucking hear about it. I can't pick it up. Isn't that a whole thing with Thor's hammer? It's like only he can lift it? Honey, I just couldn't believe... I could barely even pick it. I don't want to hear about it! I wouldn't need fucking five more hands

to... I don't want to talk about Thor's hammer! Here's the funny thing about being married for a long time too is when you're guys like us, really, really all I have is at this point is personality and making someone laugh

uh there was brought so much more to the table when we first got together but even even like even the laughter has at some point has to be like okay i've heard all your jokes cool joke i've heard all your all your comments like what what else else is there? At least ladies still have, like, if they're still attractive, like, the husband's still like, yeah. You know, but, like, with us, it's just like, what are they? Like, they love us. Like, they just have that love. Because what else is doing it? Nope.

And the fear of starting over. Yeah. All right. So, which one are you going to pick? I'm going to have to play. I don't want my wife to hear this portion of the show. She's like, you're right. What is there?

Why am I here? I think I would rather let my partner choose. I'm picking that one. I'm not picking it. That's too much trauma. That's too much pressure. And too fucking weird. You just go do it.

Go have your affair come back. And we'll just try and piece it together. If it doesn't work, then it didn't work. But I'm not going out there as a fucking talent dick scout and picking out dicks. Excel spreadsheet. Yeah. He's being like, no, there's pros and cons. Like this one, I mean, fucking huge dick.

Stinky though. But you're going to have to, I mean, he works out almost every day. His dick works out too. I mean, it's a stinky sport dick. His dick has abs. His dick's in sport mode. Always. It smells like shit. Always. I've smelled it. You don't. Dick has an has abs. His dicks in sport mode. Always.

Smells like shit. Always. I smelled it. You don't you don't want nothing to do with that dick. So I'm going to pick. They get to pick and then just come back and try and figure it out. They get to pick Zach. I'll do that, too.

OK, great. All right. We move off to what are you thinking about? I got something. It's it's that time of the year. Zach. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe?

What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit What are you thinking about? My throat is You know, like little people in there They're like Oh

It's weird As soon as you Fuck As soon as you said that I started getting a tickle in my... Oh, man. That was weird. Like, psychologically, you started talking about it, and all of a sudden, I was getting

like the little fizzes in my throat. It hurts so bad. Okay. My legs look huge in these gray sweatpants. Look at that. You know what else I can work out? Those gray sweatpants. Your dick, if I can see it.

There's some tone in there. Yeah, look at you. I mean, I've been working out a little bit. Proud of you. Yeah. We've talked about it on the show before. This might have been before Zach's time. But it was, I think, a couple of Christmases ago.

Christmize. Christmize. Back. Where I was watching a commercial for St. Jude and they have the disabled kids and it's a sad commercial. It's very sad.

And they're trying to get you to donate so that you can help out St. Jude so they can help out more kids with their different disabilities. And then I started thinking about the casting call for St. Jude where they were like, you're too disabled. Is there a sweet spot? You've got to find the right amount of camera ready, but also disabled enough to make you care. And so I talked about that.

And there are a lot of those types of commercials out there, and because Cassie and I watch the Game Show Network all the time, more than probably 98% of other people that have access to it, okay? I'm not going to sit here and pretend like everyone's got access to the Game Show Network. But out of everyone that has it, we watch it a ton. And we're not the target demographic. It's a ton of pharmaceutical commercials and it's a ton of St. Jude commercials and different programs

to donate your leftover money to that you don't know what to do with. Not saying that donating is not a waste of time. I'm just saying that is what you see on the Game Show Network. Well, I saw another one and I couldn't quite believe my eyes. It was for a place called the Covenant House.

Okay. A bunch of nuns down there. Oh, you wish. Okay. So this was, it's, the foundation is great. What they're trying to do is great. The commercial is great. It actually is very touching and has a great message.

And I'm just going to explain it to you instead of watch it because this is a fucking podcast. It's for homeless kids. Okay. Okay. So it has like a homeless teenage daughter, girl, and she's sitting there and it says like, how young do they have to be? On the curb or what? She's like at a bus stop kind of like sitting there asking for money with, uh, with blankets.

And she's sitting there in the bus stop and he says, how young do they have to be? And then like a bus goes by or something. And then it switches scenes when the bus goes by, you know, like behind it. Splasher. No, the bus goes by and it does one of those cinematic transitions. And then it's a baby that's now in the blank. It's like, how young do they have to be for you to care? And it's like, that's good message.

You got me. Okay. So now emotional. And I'm in. And the commercial keeps going and it has those voices. I think I care more about the young girl than the baby. The baby doesn't know that it's not. No.

I mean, the baby just got here. Right. He doesn't even know how sad the world's about to be. Exactly. Get in line, baby. Get in line, baby. The world sucks! I... I need the bread!

You need a boob! You don't even need that big of a fucking blanket! Okay, so that's the commercial setup. A wash rag? We'll do just fine! You're wasting blankets, baby! need that big of a fucking blanket okay so that's the commercial setup a watch rack your way to just fine your waist the blankets baby I but the message is good the words are great whatever so it draws you in and has those voices like for just 99 cents I got, I got, when you picture,

it's just like, hold on. I know, I know I have it somewhere. Don't, don't give up on me. Hmm. Right.

For only $14.99 a day. You're like, whoa. For seven cups of coffee a day. For only $14.99 a day for seven years. That's so much money. I'm going to do the math on that real quick.

While you're talking. You too can keep a tiny baby from having too many blankets. You too can pull off a magic trick where a young female turns into a tiny baby just give us twenty seven thousand dollars that's thirty eight thousand two hundred ninety nine

dollars so anyway that's the message okay great so the commercial continues on and you can look this shit up if you want there is a short version an extended version of the coveted house uh we need your money commercial and it goes on and of course if you're on the fence with the emotions right you're like god i want to help but like i'm also pretty close to being homeless yeah i'm not far from it like in the back of your head you're like yeah i mean i'm a paycheck away from fucking sitting with a baby to bust up and then i have a bracelet fucking baby i don't have enough money for a tiny baby blankets and uh and then it goes if you donate now we'll give you this commemorative Covenant House blanket. I'm not fucking joking.

What the hell do you need a blanket for? In the footage that goes along with this commercial is this lady sitting in front of a fireplace with her commemorative Covenant House fleece blanket. With a giant baby face on it. Just thinking about what she could have done with her 38 000 like what else all i got was this lousy blanket like and i get it but if you're if your tipping point is whether or not you get a fucking commemorative but just you know it's not top shelf it's not a a North Face fucking blanket. I'm not saying North Face is top.

That's just the first thing that popped in my head. You're getting this thing that if we made a fleece blanket, you would have our logo on it. Right? It's coming from some print shop. It's more about just representing the show, and it makes you feel good. And we've actually talked about probably printing on the same fucking blanket. And we might actually do it. Our faces.

Right. It's more of just be fun, connected to the show. And it is, yeah, it's a fucking blanket. But when you're talking about homeless kids, the reward for donating shouldn't be a fleece blanket. All the blankets you could have handed out to those homeless kids like even doing that but you donate right now we will donate a blanket blanket yeah not give it to you while you sit by your clearly working warm fireplace she's like how much is this year oh god can i write this off drafty yeah you donate today, we'll send you a box of beans.

Yeah. What? Exactly. I'll send them the beans. If you donate now, not only will you get this Covenant House fleece blanket, you'll also get a three-month trial to Omaha Steaks. You know who can use a steak right now? That baby. The homeless baby in front of the bus stop. And you're sitting there thinking like, while you're hearing this commercial with your fucking

coveted house, police blanket, you're thumbing through the Omaha Steaks website. Do I want a New York? Burgers look pretty good. What type of cut you want to meet to get delivered? You're like, I don't even like frozen meat that much. Tastes weird. When I worked in made when i worked in radio frozen i worked in like the the public sector kind of part so it's you know it was

all charity basically some people we do those fun drives and it was funny how many people would call in and be like are you sure i'm getting like if i spend ten dollars more can i get this and and you're like it's a fucking it's a mug bro, bro. Who cares? You're like, dude, we're trying to reopen the school. We're trying to build a fucking tower, bro. So I want to make sure you're not bullshitting me here, Zach. If I give $20, I also get a third grade math book? Yes, you do, sir. I promise. Okay.

All right. Just so we're clear. Just so we're clear, I get a laminated geography map of the United States with the Capitals marked correctly. Yes, you got it. Yes, okay.

You got it. Even Montpelier will be on it. Alright, then you get 20 bucks. That's what it was. Pleasure to do a business with you, you fucking weirdo. Pleasure to have beers with you. Pleasure to have beers with you, you fucking weirdo. It's so weird with you. Pleasure having beers with you, fucking weirdo. It's so weird because some people will call in and be like, here's $2,000. I don't want anything.

Send me a sticker. And then there'd be people that's like, $10 and I get the mug and I get the this and that. And you're like, what the fuck do they want a sticker for? Right. I don't know. It's to say, I mean, when you donate to whatever the animal one is that we were just joking around about. In the arms of an angel. and it's like if

you donate now we'll give you a t-shirt and a fridge mad magnet and you're like fuck yeah like if that's your deciding point on whether or not you want this dog to live just keep your money that's what you're worried about he is like god there is an open spot on my fridge right next to the alamo just like right next to my fucking cabo wabo yeah disneyland cabo wabo and i can really really use a a fucking pita stickeridge magnet right over here next to my Cabo Wabo. Drunk as fuck rainbow shot. Commemorative coin. Challenge coin.

God. Oh, those fucking coin commercials too. Oh yeah. If you buy now, we'll give you... How are you guys making money? That's the first question. If the deal is this good, you guys need to pull your commercial.

You guys are naked. 25 bucks and we're going to give you a $50 value gold coin. That doesn't make sense. Listen, I didn't go to business school. I went to school hard knocks. On a rocket scientist. Like a scientist fucking full ride. Full ride business coin science rocket rocket you just had a doctor

i i didn't do that but you're telling me is that you're gonna give me six thousand dollars worth of gold coins for ten bucks you pay shipping and handling you play shipping and handling forever monthly shipping and handling fees all you have to do is pay $25 a month in shipping and handling. What am I shipping? What am I handling? What are you handling? What are you handling

and what am I shipping? Put it in the box. Real quick, you know like sporting events or whatever when they give you t-shirts and how pumped the like the shirt cannons. You're so pumped

to get a shirt and then there's like there's just sponsor logos everywhere. It's like Covenant House. Someone's got to pay for that fucking t-shirt cannon. I'm not going to wear this thing.

I'm going to wear my Covenant House shirt that I won out of a t-shirt cannon. I saved a baby. Yeah. I saved a baby and all I got was

this lousy Covenantousy covenant shooting over like leftover like covenant house shirts out of fucking t-shirt cannons i helped save a baby's life and you're like i'm gonna fucking monster truck rally you with your blanket yeah brought to you by pepsi wearing your i got my clit pierced eclair shirtced eclair shirt. That's what you need to shoot out of a t-shirt cannon. Fuck yeah, dude. And they're waving and you're just like, idiots. Shoot it up there. Got my clit-pierced eclairs.

Size 3XL. Size XX small. It's like clearly made for a kid. You're like, what the fuck is this? Anyway, so Covenant House get maybe rethink your commercial it's a little blind well i mean they're they're appealing to people if you donate now we'll give you this free blanket and we'll refurnish your house and we won't kill this puppy

i think everybody in like i think every person probably to some extent loves the idea of helping somebody out but there is a line you know it's like i i want to help somebody out but if it takes money like i don't want to spend the money but if you do feel like you're getting something what am i getting nothing yeah it's it's there's this weird psychological thing like what do i get out of it what do i get out of helping this baby well you get a blanket it's not my, yeah. They must have done the research and found that. Oh, they know. Yeah, for sure. And I looked around online to see, like,

I mean, I went through all the forums to see if anybody else has talked about this fucking commercial, and I couldn't find it. So everyone else was like, yeah, fucking sick blanket. Yeah, everyone's still on board. They're like, yeah, dude. Yeah, everyone else got their blanket. They're like, I'm not gonna write about this on Reddit. My toesies are so warm. They're like like this is a good format i mean it works

this works i saved a baby and i get a blanket you know what is funny about it is like you think it the commercials look like you know like it's just a high school class did it but you know there's like real money behind it just like the fucking timeshare thing. It's a well-oiled machine. How's that working out, by the way? It's so far, so good. It's a well-oiled machine. Hell no, I haven't been. Yeah, I haven't been there yet.

Just got back. I haven't heard back from him yet. Can't wait. Still waiting on my confirmation number. I just sent over all my bank information. I haven't heard back. I'm still waiting to hear back get this thing locked in no you're right it's great it worked it's i just that part pops up my god you fucking guys all right let's slide off to some dick okay all right zach please All right.

Should we gape? Let's fucking do it. All right. How open you want to be? All the way, brother. I want to feel the air in my intestines. I want to feel it come all the way through. Like just one big draft.

I just pictured like you going back to our starting question. Like you're in charge of picking who your partner has an affair with, but then you go to like the yellow pages and find like an affair guy, like a headhunter, literally. And he's going out there and you're like, dude, I don't even know. You're like, I got you. And he just shows up and like consults with you over who your wife wants to fuck like that's his full-time job yes let me see your day analyze okay so you looking for something this size he's just the middle he's the middle man people don't want to go out and do it themselves i was like listen i'm hardly making anything off this dick yeah that's

what the guy said in our time share he's like is this price so low i don't even get a commission at this point i don't even know why I'm here. My commission's gone. You guys might as well just bet me over and fuck my ass. Do-do-do! Do-do-do-do-do! Anyway, are you playing fucking third eye blind?

Alright, so here's our first question for, not first question, first story for Dick. So LG is sending out free stickers to half a million customers who bought its recalled stove that caused 28 house fires. Come on. Oh my God. Okay.

Sorry your house burned down. Here's a sticker. I know. And my first thought when I read this was that LG was sending out other brand stickers. Oh, like Whirlpool or something? Yeah. Just stick it over there. Whirlpool or something? Yeah. Just stick it over there. They're like, there you go.

Now, it's a sticker that comes with like the number you call for that company. Right. For insurance purposes. They're like, don't fucking bother us anymore.

So, article goes on to say, LG, we're calling half a million electric ranges that have been involved in at least 28 fires and caused several injuries.

However, customers who comply aren't receiving refunds or exchanges. They're getting stickers. Sorry, your house burned down. Sorry, your house burned down. Here's some unicorn stickers. It's like one of those kid books that you take the sticker off and then put it in there. But it's like a... You're trying to put it on a burnt wood?

It's like a fire safety manual. It won't stick. It won't stick. I can't. It's just charred. There's nothing here. So they put out an alert that it had received 86 reports of unintentional activation of the front-mounted knobs.

Sounds like a porn house. Yeah, dude. Sounds like a reason to sue a strip club. Sorry, sir. What's the problem you're having tonight. Yeah, dude. Sounds like a reason to sue a strip club. Sorry, sir. What's the problem you're having tonight? Oh, yeah. Me and my buddies here have unintentional activation of the front-mounted knobs. The frontal knob?

From humans and pets that can pose a fire hazard on LG's slide-in ranges and freestanding ranges. Customers who responded on LG's website will get a warning label that comes with placement instructions and a reminder for customers to push a lock button when the range isn't in use to prevent unintentional activation of the stove. What a slap in the face. That should be the thing you you send someone a new house because sorry sorry we burned your house down and here's a free range um then you send them the thing like and for next time this is what you do because what am i going to do now i don't have a house and i'm not going to buy the same fucking lg that burned my house down

yeah if like something just grays like a little touchscreen button, right? And then turn the fucking turn the stove on. Hey Siri, and then she turned on your fucking range. Right. So a little bit of a problem. Oh, my phone's, Siri's talking to me. Oh, yeah, tell her to keep it down.

She goes, you're on fire. Call 911, Joe. Should I call 911, Brian? Customers who responded on LG's website. Oh, I guess I said that. The ranges were sold at Best Buy, Costco, and Home Depot between 2015 and January of 2025. And that's a long... 10 years. That feels like a decent stove.

That's a whole decade. I mean, if we look at 28 problems in a fucking decade of stove sales. That has to be pretty low compared to other stove fires. And we still have a hot deal. Yeah, woo! Oh, yeah! I like that price range. Yeah!

You get it. We're cooking now. Hey! Oh, yeah! So, in addition to the warning, CPSC said that consumers are cautioned to keep children and pets away from the knobs, to keep the range knobs to ensure they are off before leaving home or going to bed, and not to leave objects on the range when the range is not in use. I would say if those ovens can't handle the heat, you know what they can get out of? What? The kitchen. Yeah! fuck you know where they can get out of what the kitchen yeah i but for a company this big yeah okay it's i mean lg not a not a startup there not a startup no i mean how much is lg

bringing in a year go ahead and look that up but for them to just be like do we sent out that paper plant that paper pamphlet and it said don't fucking turn this on when you're not using it so sorry about your house according i mean according to lg 11 trillion dollars that can't be right that's definitely not right no because apple's the is less than that let's see it's a Let's see. It's a trillion? Okay. Well, almost $30 billion. But they're making $11 billion before their offices burn down? Oh, market cap is $9.38 billion.

Okay. So they're doing all right. And what they could do is not just send out stickers that tell them that you used your stove wrong. That's like something we'd do. It's like, sorry we screwed up your order, here's the sticker. Yeah, sorry everything's wrong. Here's how you did it wrong. What you should have done was this.

What you should have done was, every time you leave, who the fuck... The stove upstairs right here at our house has a lock on it. So does the fucking microwave and the air fryer. Like you don't just lock all your fucking appliances when you walk away from them. Unless you're living with like Dennis the Menace. Imagine like you getting this new car and then you...

It catches on fire. Just a different analogy. Just say Tesla. Go ahead. No. Getting a car and like pulling up to like you park at a place and then it doesn't tell you that you should we didn't tell you to put your car in park and you just get out and you go in and do your thing you come back out in your fucking car

drove into the thing and killed people whatever and then they're like oh they sent everyone stickers you have to put it in park when you're done we said you shouldn't operate your vehicle in these temperatures that's why the battery exploded right it's like or maybe don't sell the fucking vehicle that would explode in these temperatures yeah do some more tests yeah all right but it sounds like 10 years how much money they make off this one fucking stove i don't know but in the in 2020 their market cap was pretty high i bet see where Let's see where that was. It was like $17 billion or something. So it's come down. I wonder why.

In 2020, they had a market cap of, oh, no, sorry. It was $17 million. Oh. And then in 2022, $11 billion. So they went from $14 million to $11 billion in 2021 to 2022, right in the middle of this thing. And it's by doing shit like this probably not giving refunds yeah by saying no this is your fault yeah yeah here's a sticker several incidents how much they lose on stickers it's got it's probably a marketing budget they were sending out so many stickers before 2017 like just and the guy's like we gotta quit printing stickers cut back on the stickers and that's what happened

Turned into a billion dollar company Several incidents involving the electric ranges Caused extensive property damage Totaling more than $340,000 Three fires that resulted in pet deaths Huh Okay So LG said in a comment

That it's reminding consumers About our unique safety function called Lockout. So unique. Or Control Lock, available on LG electric ranges with front-mounted knobs since 2015. We are proud of the patented LG invention explicitly designed to enhance the safety of LG ranges. Shouldn't be too proud. We're really leaning into that safety aspect of it. God. We promise it was you, not us.

That is just such a slap in the face. You guys should have known that this is what you're supposed to do. Every time you're done cooking mac and cheese, lock your stove. I've never thought to lock a stove. I just turn the dial off and it goes click when I get to off and the light turns off. That's fine with me i think it's why they've replaced that one with a full like we're sorry your house burned down we're going to replace your current lg range with this full touchscreen lg range which now doesn't need lock which doesn't need lockout there's no way a cat could turn this on.

Okay. And then we read an article like this in five years. Yeah, absolutely. 28 cats figured it out. Yep. If we hit this and do this, the funny thing is, is,

is as great as something is everyone. Something gets missed. Kind of like the guy that didn't buckle down or like screw down the seats in the car, you know? Like you think you have everything. You've run through every test you could go but there's always something you can't calculate for.

And sometimes it's like a cat. And sometimes it's 28 times. You don't think about, it's like a kid. Oh, kids climb up and they do this and they do all this kind of stuff and one guy's like what about the cat? They're like, what about, fuck you, you're fired. Yeah, what about ferrets? Get the fuck out of here. Go pull the seats down in the car.

It's a road. What the fuck? And then the fucking cat lights the house and catches the house on fire. Catches itself on fire and runs into the Christmas tree. Right. Yep. Fucking another Christmas at fucking Brian's house. All right, let's move on to our next dick article.

This one's silly. And it's a great idea. Okay. Zimbabweans try to outpace death at an exercise club in a cemetery. You all could end up here if you don't get in shape. That's exactly what it is. And we could go ahead and read the whole article,

or we could not, and we're not going to. But the idea is that this group of exercise instructors decided that they were going to start holding exercise workouts in the cemetery because the percentages of people that have health-related diseases or cause of death because of just being overweight or not being active enough, they think that putting them in an environment that shows you what happens if you don't take care of yourself will increase your energy. I don't think that does it enough. I don't think that's not shocking enough. I would go to like a morgue where you see the cold bodies laying on the slab. Then you're doing that. You're breathing in like dead body air. Like you're doing a spin class in a crematorium.

Exactly. And you can see the bodies being pushed into the thing. Oh, it's getting hot now. Yeah. Like you can't hear the instructor. He's like, I right, you guys get... What? While there's a body just going...

Like you can see like the outline of a head and an arm through the... And the flames coming out the side. While it's getting cremated, like through the little window. And you're just peddling your little ass off. You can see that backfire. They're like, that kind of smells like pork. Pork smell. God damn, I'm hungry.

Yummy, I'm hungry. Long pig. There's a snack bar over there. Just watch out for Dr. Benson. Push him out of the way to pick up your chewy, crunchy granola bar. Oh, God. He's having like chicken wings. Okay, guys.

Looked like we got another body. Let's pick up the pace. Everybody, up out of your seats if you can do it. We're hitting the final stretch. Push through. Push through. You're going to want to stop. Your body's going to tell you, I need to stop.

I need to stop. Well, you know who stopped? Fucking Phil over here. He stopped too early, died too soon. Phil was my uncle. I know to stop. You know who stopped? Fucking Phil over here. He stopped too early, died too soon. Phil was my uncle. I know it was. Yeah, you look just like him. Your body's the same type.

Do you want to end up like Phil? No. Push through. Push through. Do you know how long it's taken to burn this body? Because Phil was fat. Phil didn't know how to push through. Now they're pushing him through the fucking crematorium.

In a locker. Whatever the hell they're called. You say locker? Whatever the hell it's called. The little... Oh, the locker. The drawer. The door.

The door. Like a fireplace. You're shoving him... You can't fit him through the... It's fast overflowing. In that scene, you're just pedaling on your bike, and two dudes are trying to shove a guy. They have one of those things that the cops use to get in a house.

Like, trying to shove him through. Trying to break the door open and just mashing his head. Smashing him in there. They get down to like, reach over, grab one of the granola bars, and watch you pedal your ass off in the basement of a morgue. Oh, god damn. See, that's motivation.

All right, pick up the pace. He's in his, he's got his like neon clothes on. He's up there. Black light showing blood all over the floor everything just glowing in blood good stuff but also like work like motivation like think about getting in trouble right like like you know going out and drinking getting in, driving drunk, but what about if you had a bar that was, like, also reminding you

not to get hammered and do something stupid because it was on death row? Mmm. You could end up in the chair. Yeah. Like, if you fuck up tonight, you're out there on, like, a, you know, you got a Tinder date. Over in the corner, there's a guy

that's strapping into the electric chair. They open the curtains and the family's sitting there. You're sitting there. You got your fucking... You got your martini. You got your martini. She's got a margarita. Whatever.

Shaking, not stirring. And you're sitting there like, so what do you like to do for work? Sorry, what was that? The lights flicker. The neon starts flickering because it's the power. It's just like, can we go somewhere else? Somebody making toast? Somebody making toast?

You're talking to the At the bar You're like You guys got some food here Yeah we got food He throws his towel over his shoulder And like over his shoulder Just some guy He's like

The family In the window Watching him Just crying But also being like Fuck you It was my uncle And you're like

Yeah I'll get the curry cashews. See, that's real. The lights are like... The guys over there are taking your order, and you're kind of looking around because the lights are flickering. He's like, it's normal. I think they're done. I think your food's done. Too much. done yeah too much cooking the eggs on that little metal thing that goes on top of his head yeah they still do that or is that like is that not a used to lethal injection now they put the

sponge on the head and the yeah any last words or you stare at the family the people that the guy's ready to die the last's like, he fucking deserved it. Also, that setup is so weird. Humans are so fucking dark. Yeah. He's like, all right, we're going to kill this guy. What else do we need? Grand stands.

So there's some guy up there going, pulling the cord down and opening up the curtains. Showing all the family. He goes, yeah, well, it's kind of boring me just sitting here by myself. Let's bring in the family of the person he murdered. And the family showing all the family. He goes, yeah, well, it's kind of boring me just sitting here by myself. Let's bring in the family of the person he murdered. And the family members of the guy. Of the guy

who's about to die. Who's about to die. Yeah, let's get fucking, he's like, anything else? Yeah, fucking serve some popcorn.

Guy's walking around. He's the beer guy. Hot dog! Imagine if they had an opening act or something. Oh, yeah. A juggler.

Yeah, like a jester guy. He comes out. And while they're setting the thing up, he's just on stage. And the priest is just standing there waiting. Like he has his book open to the right chapter. While there's some professional jump roper. All this is going on in the corner of the bar where the where a couple

is having a date and you're like no i'll just get the tab any gratuity no no no i'm all set we're gonna go for dinner and a show it's like a kid's play oh my god kids are doing fucking beauty and the beast right before some guy gets fucking killed all right and for the final act final show worth it yeah or like uh Going back to the blanket Like just a restaurant Like a five star restaurant That overlooks a homeless shelter

I guess reminding you To be grateful Kind of like Picking through the trash Yeah Grabbing bones Of like the New York steak That the guy's cutting

Yeah you're doing this And you see a guy Looking up at you As like Some like lady In a hair net Throws in clam chowder in a dish. Who knows where the fuck

it's been, where it came from. And you're up there like complaining about your shrimp. Your lobster tail. It's a little fishy. It's a little too fishy for me. I like my shrimp not so fishy. And they go, okay. And they just like grab your plate, open a window and throw it down a tube.

A bank tube. Throw it down a bank tube? Yeah, yeah. Stick it into a... Oh, somebody's clam chowder's ready. It's your lucky day. Half-eaten shrimp. Who had the half-eaten shrimp and clam chowder? Oh, yeah.

Some homeless guy. Yeah, he's like, I'll take it. But yeah, like a workout class in the sad bingo hall At a retirement center You just fucking pedal on your bike next to somebody You just like I fucking hate it I fucking hate it here Bingo you don't have fucking bingo

I've called three numbers Fuck you He gets up and you're just sitting there pedaling your bike Sweating your little tits off You're just like Jesus I'm gonna delay Matt Locke is on on the tv delay getting here as long as possible i think that's that's pure motivation anything that's like the complete opposite of where you want to end up and you put those two things together yeah i mean cemeteries

got to be almost number one every time yeah again. Again, that's how this whole thing started. I don't think a cemetery. It looks pretty. They're like some, they're flowers, stone thing. I want to, I want to see the results. You want like a creepy cemetery? No, I told you I want the morgue. Oh yeah.

That's how this whole thing started. Okay. I get the point that the graveyard is the ultimate end to everything, but I want to see, I want to see how the sausage is made it was like working a shitty job but it's like outside of jail cells like you hate what you're doing but you're also watching some guy fucking shit on his bunk mate you're going to school for like economics or like finance and you're like sure you want to do some insider trading thinking about dropping out i think it's like move your class down to the fucking maximum

security prison uh san quentin yeah you're like never mind i'm good yeah dude no problem tattoos up in the window like banging on the window you like dick i'll fuck your wife i don't have a wife i'll fuck her when you have one oh fuck yeah yeah just like i'm fucking this fucking toilet seat you're just like you just give me as much humbug as you want actually it's fine i will make sure i get it done uh okay let's move on for some petty beef okay all right zach fuck yeah dude silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef oh i am my throat is dying

are you dying yeah you're worried about me this is sent in by our son brady oh fuck yeah yeah the brady. Hello to the Three Stooges. I tried to make the font large enough for BWINE to read it. And as soon as I read that, I just enlarged it to 300% so I didn't fuck this up. I have a bit of a road rage. By a bit, I mean... I fucking hate non-driving motherfuckers! You can't both die. My throat's tickly.

Oh. I will sometimes pass people by crossing the double yellow line and sometimes flip them off. I thought there was a slash in there for off slash on. And I was like, that's so funny. Sometimes flip them off or on. Yeah. Flip them on. You flip them off or on. Yeah. Flip them on. You flip them off and they just get a hard on.

You're like, that didn't work out how I planned. Flip them off. Flip them off or flip. Now I got all fucked up. Sometimes flip them off and or flip them off. Pull them together. And lay on the horn. Okay.

Very mature. I know. Also, fuck cyclists! I'm typically a safe driver and don't speed, but I do drive like somewhere, if I do drive like I have somewhere to be. My girlfriend is similar. If someone cuts her

off, she gets the eye of the beagle. She does some little kegels and beagles. Zach gets it. I do. I literally chase them across the county until she calms down. Here's the beef. When I do the things that I stated in the beginning, she gets mad at me for doing it while she, and sometimes the dog, is with me in the vehicle.

She sometimes cries. Freaking women, right? LOL. And won't talk to me for a day. I know that game. Okay. I asked her what the difference is between her doing it and me doing it, even though she is with me.

We're both putting ourselves at risk of injury. She states that her dad traumatized her when she was young by doing what I do with her in the car, and it's different when she is the one driving. What do you guys think? Okay. Am I a dick for doing it with her in the car, or is she a dick for being mad at me For doing the same shit As she does when she is driving alone

Thanks for everything And hey Brian grow up and lick a butthole One word Brady Front name That was some nice reading Brian Yeah I really only fucked up one time That's when we stopped to talk.

Yeah. What do you think? Those... That's tough. I mean, I get it. Because... I mean, dragging in the trauma, which also probably resulted in why she does the same shit.

Yep. Because she thinks that this is how you're supposed to drive. This is how I watch my dad drive. And she thinks that like this is how you're supposed to drive this is how i watch my dad drive and she married someone like her daddy i learned it from watching you yeah and then now it drives her crazy when she is not in the position the control position where she feels like those emotions you arise right maybe she's a control freak like it is very rare like think about how weird this would be like if you have a passenger in your vehicle that is the one that has the road rage and not the one that's driving like to the degree that road rage is like that doesn't happen like very often at all

right like you don't have a calm driver and then they do something and then the passenger is like get the fuck out of the way and they roll the window down right unless there's meth you're like whoa whoa whoa i'm driving here yeah i mean that sounds meth-y like if they're so ramped up but they're not the one that's actually doing the driving so she is basically saying when i'm in the in the position the spot where my emotions are going to get riled up. Cause that's going to happen. But when that's, but I'm not in that spot. Now you're reminding me of my dad who I didn't like that happening. Is there, is there any give, is there any give there?

Is there any separation of our understanding? So it's because the, when you do it, when you're driving, your whole family's going fucking kill somebody by the way brady yeah like you guys flipping off and screaming you sound like the o'doyles from billy madison yeah no but like is there a difference is there a line between whether you're sitting in the then you have a right to get mad about it because you're not the one driving but when you do it when you are driving does it make sense does she i wonder if she gets mad at him if he

does it when she's not in the car like if like he came home and told her and she's like oh you shouldn't do that because no i don't think so it sounds like he she just gets mad at him if she is in the car with her or their dog sounds like she needs she's got some daddy's things going on sure but does she have a point? No, because she does it. Okay. Neither one of them should be doing it. But doesn't do it when he's in the car?

That's the part of this that we're missing. Wait, did she say that? She doesn't do it when he's in the car with her? It's just not mentioned. I'm guessing when the car is driven, he's the one that's driving. So if they're going somewhere together, he's going to be the one that's driving the car. So maybe that is the play here, Brady.

Maybe quit driving the car so much. Let her drive. Let her drive. And if she loses it. Maybe he doesn't want her to drive. That's better, crossing the double lines. Yeah. Who has the better obscenities to yell at the other commuters so it's one thing to yell at somebody but if you're if you're driving across the lines and endangering the

people in the car and you don't have control so if you're in the passenger seat and the your husband is doing that that would be scary uh because you don't have control like if he you could kill our family and i can't do anything about it. Because I wasn't driving the car. Yeah. So I get that part of it, because, like, when I got a motorcycle and I tried to take my wife for a ride, we tried to go, she's like, slow down, slow down.

I'm like, I can't slow down, we're going to fall over. But in her head, she's not in control of the motorcycle, so it's very hard for her to enjoy it because she's not in control even though i'm a good driver she's not in control so i get that aspect of it yeah because he could kill us all it sounds like brady is saying that when she is driving on her own she's also aggressive and flips people off and yells at him but But the part I think that Brady's missing is what you just said, is the control aspect. Like when you're driving a car,

you are in control of everybody's life that is inside of that vehicle. So when she's by herself, when she's being reckless and aggressive or whatever, you're not in the car. So your life isn't at risk, right? And then if you're by yourself, her life isn't at risk.

If you guys are driving together and you're the one that always drives, then yeah, now you're putting her life at risk, right? And then if you're by yourself, her life isn't at risk. If you guys are driving together and you're the one that always drives, then yeah, now you're putting her life at risk. And it probably brings up other points. So if you were sitting in the passenger seat and she was going crazy and you were like, eh, and you were fine with it, then that comes down to personality. So yeah, Brady,

I think that you're not being a dick, but you also are in control of everyone's lives by you losing your shit driving your car. Do you ever, so when you're not being a dick, but you also are in control of everyone's lives by you losing your shit driving your car. Do you ever, so when you're driving down the road, you're in traffic or whatever, and you might, let's say you're driving, let me say you're like a late breaker. And you start breaking and the person in the passenger is like, oh, because maybe they break earlier than you do. But if you're in the reverse situation, you're in the driver's seat, like if your wife's driving, do you ever kind of just be like, oh. Think about it from that perspective.

I know I do that when my wife's driving because I'm like, she just drives differently than I do. So when she's doing something, I'm like, this is how I wouldn't, not how I would do it. I don't like this. So it's like, you're like, bleh. When I stop at a stoplight, stop light or stop light, doesn't matter. If it turns green, I go left, right, left, right.

Because there could be some asshole ripping through the thing. Because it happens all the time. You're trying to time the light. My wife will be sitting at a light. It turns green and she'll just drive through it. And my instinct is, whoa, just wait a second. Stop. Make sure no one's. But I don't want to say that every time because then it sounds like I'm, you know, like backseat driver.

Yeah, but it's like, that's what I do. So it makes me nervous when she does it, knowing that the kids are in the car with us or with her. I think Brady needs to play the experiment of let her drive when you guys are on the car and if she does it again then you're like hey this is it you're doing the same thing i'm doing and if she doesn't do it then you have to understand that you're in charge of her life quit driving like i guess it's easy to replace i'm not i'm not dating brady but if brady's my friend and we're driving somewhere and he's fucking flying around and go i don't have ptsd from my dad and he's flying over double lines because he's pissed off about a slow driver

like i'm in the fucking car dude like you're my life also is here i don't care how mad you are about this driver like you can't fly around and do whatever the fuck you want because you're the one driving the car especially you hear all the time someone like flipping somebody off and then shooting shooting back like you hear about that kind of stuff and if i let's say i'm in the car of my kids are in the car i don't want i don't want something like that happening to innocent people they're just sitting in the car because you couldn't because you couldn't contain your rage yeah exactly like i get i get how annoying people are driving on the road and i'm probably annoying to other people, but I get like the, the want to like fucking ring someone's neck. But at some point when you're, when lives or your other people's lives are dependent on you, maybe you just fucking calm down.

Maybe you just leave five minutes earlier or whatever. Which I try to do. I try to get somewhere on time and it drives me crazy because I'm trying to wrangle everybody. That's another petty bee for another time. Well, Brady, I hope that helped. I look forward to an update. Send it in. Let your wife drive

when you guys are on the car and see what happens. Assuming you guys make it home, let us, send us an email. Yeah, he could have been sending that while he was passing in a double yellow line. Texting and passing in, yeah. All right, let's take a look at some good news

okay this one's a little wild zach so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah so there's an article that goes along with this story and i'll read a little bit of it i just can't imagine an insurer whatever i think it was an insurance company just fucking getting involved in this and then being this nitpicky. And I'll show you a video as well. UMass, University of Massachusetts

will pay a student who made half-court shot $10,000 even though his foot was on the line. So is it what you think it might be? Yeah, exactly what I think. So they're going to pay him the $10,000 halftime promotion at the women's basketball game after dispute with an insurance company over whether he stepped over the line when he made the half-court shot. Noah Lee was selected for the contest back on Wednesday that required him to make a layup, free throw,

three-pointer, and half-court shot in 25 seconds. Not an easy thing to do. No, that's awesome. And he made them all. But the school said the insurance company handling the promotion declined to pay out. Doesn't that sound like an insurance company? Yep.

Holy shit. So here, I'll play the video for you guys. You guys can see how far he stepped over the line. Okay, so here we go. Live footage. There's half-court shot. A shootout contest led to controversy at UMass Amherst.

Okay, well, I just read that. Let's go back to the... Okay, so here he goes. He made the... Making the three-pointer. He's got a basketball stance. That was a three-pointer. Yeah, he knows what to do. He knows how to shoot a basketball. Now watch how far he's passed the half-court line.

Ready? His heel was on the line. He's probably eight inches over the line. A size 10. Eight inches over the half-court line. Technically, right, but... Right, and the insurance company's

like, nope, not fucking doing it. Would they call it a three-pointer if his foot was on the line? Well, Technically, right. But. Right. And the insurance company's like, nope, not fucking doing it. Well, would they call the three pointer if his foot was on the line? Well, no, they wouldn't. But think about it this way. I know. I'm just. Like, if you're the insurance company and you're looking at halftime of a women's basketball game as the promotional stunt that's going to push you to the next step.

Bankruptcy. Right. So you're like, okay. And you to the next step bankruptcy right so you're like okay and you're the whatever the ceo of this insurance company and you're thinking to yourself how do we get out there and really get in front of the audience like how do we get more customers we should set up a impossible basketball shot that never happens. It's semi-pro. It happens all the time, first of all. And that's it.

No one's ever going to make it. And that's how we're going to get our free advertising, right? So they offer to have this big giveaway. The school agrees to it. And then they're able to get talked about at the school, obviously hoping that the payout never happens so that they can get free advertising. That's how it works on the advertising side and then it happens and you say fucking not paying

them and not for a second you don't think that everybody in this fucking town is gonna find out you didn't fucking pay yeah you just fucked yourself over so bad good but being like nope foot was on the line imagine the guy that had to like had to don't know this is we are standing firm no that guy having to make that decision sorry he like made a whole powerpoint presentation and the school's like we don't fucking care what you're about to show us you guys are fucking ridiculous they come they come rolling and he sets everything up he's got a laser he's got like a laser drawn lines on it you go see if you can see here the yeah we don't care we see the fucking foot it's over it yeah listen we'll just pick it up and you guys go fuck yourself okay okay so so we're just gonna go fuck ourselves you guys are gonna pay

the kid right you guys pay the kid we'll just go fuck ourselves okay great so we're not gonna pay but now everyone's gonna know we're assholes yeah sure okay you guys did the kid, we'll just go fuck ourselves. Okay, great. So we're not going to pay, but now everyone's going to know we're assholes? Yeah. Sure. Okay. You guys did the... Fuck, sounds good. All right, bye.

Bye. Like, what a fucking dumb move. No press is bad press, except for this. Except for when you're fucking over college kids. Except when you're the people that don't pay when you're supposed to. Yeah, college kids too, of course. Yeah, just the college kid who made an impact a great impossible shot ringed it all the way through and you're just like not fucking doing it it's one thing to go

out and shoot a halftime or a half court shot and make it to win a contest that like that's hard enough to do but to be able to make four shots in a row and then cap it off with that like yeah they thought there was no chance and the the fact that he did it, and you're going to be like, nah. What he did was so awesome. It's so deserving of everything that he should have gotten. And the promotional side, like, the arrogance of the fucking owner of this insurance company

to not know that the $10,000 you're about to pay out, the amount of publicity you could pull off of that is so much greater than $10,000 you're about to pay out, the amount of publicity you could pull off of that is so much greater than $10,000. They're like, oh, dude, we just, we don't have the money. It's chide.

Sorry. Like, you just fucked yourself over so bad. Nope, foot was on the line. Fuck them. It's one thing to say, like, well, we didn't expect that to happen. We don't have the funds. So, sorry, we can't pay. It's like, that's already well we didn't expect that to happen We don't have the funds So sorry we can't pay It's like that's already bad enough But you're like no foot was on the line

Semantics Stupid foot Enjoy your small feet insurance Loser Enjoy your giant foot insurance you fucking loser I do They only insure small feet So dumb Good for UMass I do. They only insure small feet. Oh, God.

So dumb. Okay, I came across something. Good for UMass to do that. UMass used to be a prominent school at one point in basketball. They had great insurance companies in that area. Back in the 90s? Found something on the internet. It's not going to go great for podcasting, but I'm going to play it for you guys. And I'm hoping if you just look this up on your own zach go

the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome so i am uh well i guess what would you call an audiophile philanthropist oh oh flanderer no philanthropist i am a flounder flounder um no i am an audiophile okay so like a pedophile but with audio but i just did a lot of audio just stick my dick so hard in a sick sound wave. I love those peaks and valleys, baby. And I came across this.

And what we're looking at is a music video for the one and only Creed. Okay. And this is spatial audio comedy where it shows us what this particular creed video for one last breath would sat would actually sound like if what we're watching is how it actually sounded okay okay so i'm going to play it for you again i know this is going to work great for podcasting but if you look up how the creed one last breath music video would actually sound you'll find it on youtube here you go create one last breath music video would actually sound you'll find it on youtube here you go zooming out he's right on the camera right now.

Mm-hmm. I'm down for the last world. Let me say. Let me say. Hold me now. I'm a... Baby six feet. Is too long. they're all on like different islands by the way yeah different uh mountaintops like uh I'm looking down And it's all over I'm looking down On all of me But

Somewhere Somewhere I can't Save me But I'm down To all of me And then it ends He splats on the ground that's well done i know it's so good what's that i gotta show you this part again you were laughing when he flies by the bird hold on watch

what what was that noise? Yeah. Oh, that's fucking great. Do they have more videos? There's a couple more that I looked at, but there's nothing compared to that one. Nah, I don't know. They were close, but not that funny.

That was really funny. Anyway, that's out there. Goddamn, love creative people. Oh, dude. Just, I'm out of here. He's fallen, he's fallen from like thousands of feet. just like through the camera,

through the camera frame, you can see like, yeah, that's, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do,

I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, I'm gonna do, That's fucking great Alright, moving on Let's hear it from the kids Zach, fuck yeah Alright, let's hear what you guys think

Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool Okay Alright So this first one's coming in from our son Ty And it ties into a few things we've talked about in the past A little bit of us and a little bit of Commie Zach And it ties into a few things we've talked about in the past. A little bit of us and a little bit of Commie Zach.

A little bit of Jessica. Sorry. Hey there, daddies. My favorite Commie uncle. I just finished listening to Scavenger Hunt, Fanny Pack, Ketamine Hooker. And figured I'd share a little tragic yet funny tale. Mine and my wife's dog Martini passed away in my arms last week. So naturally, it was a very tearful and emotional day for our family.

Sorry about that. So this is the Zach part. Yeah, the sad part's always the Zach part. Well, we decided we'd get her cremated and called a mobile cremation service to come pick her up. When the guy arrived, we expected to see some kind of service van, but instead this dude pulled up in a fucking new BMW i4 M50.

Killing puppies, baby. That's good money. Being a long-time listener... Where is it? I got a place in the B! I got a business meeting! Throw it in! Being a long-time listener of can you don't i should have known better well me and my wife put our first our fur baby in the body bag and said our goodbyes then this motherfucker had us put her in the trunk next to a spare tire

that's it dude yeah just toss it in the back. Yeah, just move the jack. Just move the cans out of the way. He's just cranking music in the front. Just put it next to the tire. Hold me now. I'm six feet. Yeah, just put it next to the... Move the jack if you have to. And I'm thinking maybe six feet ain't so far down

All right. I don't know what we were expecting. Like, here you can buckle her up in the front seat so we can jam out together. And I can use the carpool lane. You know, that's what I just think. Anyway, at the end of that episode, Uncle Zach mentioned he had a similar situation with a mobile vet and gave me an idea to write in. Also, I want to let you all know you've been a huge relief during this rough time in our lives. And I can't tell you how much your podcast helps with finding light and humor in every situation.

Love you guys and keep up the great work. Ty, P.S. If you guys can read this on the show, or if you guys read this this on the show Can I please get a sexy honk for my wife I know it'd brighten her Day Well sorry Ty Sorry about it Pets is brutal dude

Get a new one immediately it helps You know what I just had a thought though As soon as Let's say that your dog dies And then you're thinking i gotta i gotta call the mobile that thing and you're like oh zach did this so you're like you immediately can kind of think of like oh get a little giggle and then you see that and the first thing you think about is our fucking podcast like is is is there any big bigger achievement in life i know it's like uh and at least it's like uh

i don't know it makes you feel kind of a weird connection yeah i just thought of like when someone's hey can you describe our podcast and you're like you're trying to think you're like okay well how do i put this so when you have a loved one die and you're going through the hardest time of your life and they shove the body next to a spare tire you'll think of us yeah they're like what you're like you'll you'll understand just get it one day yeah you'll see that's a that's what that's how i classify this podcast that does help though is is it always bad is that when you can when you can see that you're like you're so sad placing this thing and then when he drives off you're like please come and you go back to your wife and you're like that's the same fucking thing this is so bad like it's you can giggle

about it yeah so uh i love that it's great to hear that oh sorry about your puppy though yeah sorry a new one it really does help we just got two new cats to make it so our dead cat didn't hurt as much and it worked do you ever feel like you uh betraying your old cat by getting a new one though like oh we're forgetting about her old cat are you still gonna come i always come but no i we see like little similarities and it's kind of weird where it's like oh that's she's channeling lucy or whatever and it's like no it's just a different cat just doing cat stuff it's just doing cat shit don't worry about it it's just it's looking it's cr a different cat. Just doing cat stuff. Just doing cat shit. Don't worry about it.

It's licking its crotch. He used to do that. My other cat used to lick its crotch. Just like Lucy. Just having a cute animal face in your life is a cheat code. You want that all the time. As much as I yell at my dog for standing in my way and wanting something to eat,

it really... How dare you? How dare you? You hungry dog, you. Pissing on my floor. Oh, yeah. That happened. Yesterday, Joe and I were in my room shooting something, and I'm ready to walk out, and

I step in, and I'm like... Yeah. I'm like, fucking dog came in here, pissed, and left. Yeah. And I stepped in it. Had nothing to do with it. Oh, bitch. Yeah.

Just not happy I was there. No. Just not. Just wanted you to never be happy with someone else, bitch? Yep. Just not happy I was there. Nope. Just not. She wants you to never be happy with someone else, you know? She was like, please come in. I think I'm peeing. I'm a carpet gone. It's dead being me.

Now I'm upstairs laughing as you're downstairs cleaning it up. Hold me now. One last piss. Episode 140. Patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. This shit show will keep. I mean, we're already off the rails.

We're trying to find other ones. I think this was one of my favorite episodes in a long time. Since episode 139? Yeah. Cool. I thought this was episode 139. This is 40, dude. 140 40 140 shit what'd you do well you better look in a different file then did you just think you're gonna save it somewhere and

then saved it another one i saved it in uh your big porn file so good luck finding that this should be 140 fuck are we off an episode i think you're right okay okay anyway the bonus content you get that by signing up on patreon and uh thanks to everyone who has signed up in the last couple weeks or so. Appreciate you. Welcome aboard. Don't leave. Just because we started talking about what we talk about. Please don't leave us.

Instagram and Facebook, we got that. The video version of the show can be found on YouTube. If you have something you want to see on the show, the email address for that is heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com. Rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. Nice. That's all I got. I used to know how to play that. Joe, check out what Uncle Zach is doing over at scatcast.com.

No, we're full. Sorry. No, you're not. Yeah, we're full. Nope. And thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. Doug's got some knives in my throat. You cut through that pretty solid though i did yeah without doing and then you did that okay thank you before that was pretty solid thanks well speaking of solid i got a fact for you oh

good god wrap it up already huh huh? Solid shit. Yeah. Splinter-free toilet paper was invented in 1935 by Northern Tissue, which means that before that, toilet paper would have splinters in it. Dude, imagine that marketing campaign. No more splinters. What the fuck? Which, I mean, it all makes sense. Yeah, it comes from trees. Old paper.

It wasn't the paper we have today. It's like eating, when you used to, not all makes sense. Yeah, it comes from trees. Old paper. It wasn't the paper we have today. It's like eating, when you used to, not so much anymore. They do a pretty good job of deboning fish. But I remember when my dad would make fish and like smoke the salmon and I'd be chewing on it and be like, oh, that's a big old bone. Yeah. Think of the poor hemorrhoids of our ancestors. My fuck.

God, just, I mean. Got a splinter in my back. Yeah, like not having a good poop like it's like it's gonna take a bit it's gonna take a couple folds and you're just reaching back there hoping you don't shove a splinter in your asshole and now i have a just a bidet no wonder there's so many kids anal was had to be fucking so painful the splinter in there they're like just please use the correct hole like fuck i'm trying to not have kids but i'm not i can't i can't poke around there anymore the other hole's got splinters in it all right

well there you go 1935 before that what a shit show you get it 90 years ago now all right all right off to the bonus thing Bye.