Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Dreamboys. Tips. DUI. Blindfold.

Episode Date: May 24, 2023

How many times can your partner set the microwave on fire before you just end up leaving? Let's talk about that, switching seats with your dog after getting pulled over, an old lady who wanted nothing more than to attend a striptease, how far will restaurants push the self-bussing situation, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/F5wWFfzKIl8Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Dreamboys Tips DUI Blindfold Joseph! Perfect. You sound like a woman or a little kid? Kind of like Elmo. You're a little Elmo. So, I mean, people have been sending us... Welcome to Elmo's Way! ...sending us so many Elmo things.

Have you noticed that? No. I go on through socials and stuff. Ever since we talked about how Elmo sounds like the singer of ACDC. So, we're just finding out he's... I'm back! No. I was just going to go... I'm back No I was just gonna go

I'm back in the saddle I was just gonna do Aerosmith You almost did that last time Did I? Yeah Oh my god Back in black

Hey welcome to episode 49 I'm on the highway To episode 49 What time? Yeah Glad you guys are here We have additional content On the back end of every episode

If you subscribe to us on Patreon You'll find that link in the episode description. Reminder, we've got some brand new merch in the merch store at canyoudontpodcast.com. Shirts about lava lamps and shirts about the show. And then one, when you're pretty upset about something, you know what you've got to do with it. You've got to flag it for sure. You've got to flag it. Always flag it. How is anybody going to get in trouble if you don't flag it for sheriff first thing i

always do if i don't like something every morning flag it right going through wake up flag it worst tear worst tear i've ever had guess what sheriff getting the cops involved get the man in green and brown involved get them in here to take this whole place down but you can go pick up a shirt uh the support in the merch store goes a long way we have a and it's in all caps here on the script that we're reading big announcement huge huge huge huge coming next week we are so excited we're not going to give you too many hints but but I will just say there's no way, I don't care who you are, listening to the show that you're going to be like, ah, fuck that. It's better for the show in every single way. And yeah, some behind the scenes stuff happening.

And we'll share that with you. I'm excited to find out what it is. Just completely in the dark on it. You're like, oh my God, what is it? What? What? I can't believe this. Cover the mic. you're like oh my god what is what what i can't believe this cover the mic you're like joe joe or uh you gotta let me know about something like this yeah i'm like oh yeah sorry i meant just don't tell me on here i meant to text you i went to text you about

it uh but we'll have that announcement for you next week and the announcement it should coincide right with everything that's happening so that's fun you don't have to wait it's happening you won't make an announcement about something oh and then it comes right it's gonna all happen with with the announcement the thing comes with the announcement i mean because a lot of times these days it's like hey you got a big announcement it's like six months you can win a new car and you're like in two years fuck just gotta send in that rebate send in that rebate don't forget don't forget that rebate say 50 bucks is there any way this surprise could in that rebate. Send in that rebate. Don't forget. Don't forget that rebate. Save 50 bucks. Is there any way this surprise could have a rebate?

Yeah, sure. We can make it like some kind of, you could save. Like if you hear the rebate and enter promo code, you can save 10% off merch. You got to have the promo code and then send in your rebate code. It'll come with your merch. Yeah. That's how you get your 10% off. some kind of some kind of celebration but uh that's my fuck man i'm so pumped about that uh last week we took a long time getting into the show this week we're not

you ready i'm diving in fuck yeah at first hey shut up not the show already. All right, Joe. Lay it on me, Daddy Bri. This was sent in by Twisted Son Errol. Oh, Errol. Did you do this or did Errol do this? Where they did their little pronunciation? I did that because I know how to pronounce his name from him following me over from previous adventures. I love how you went Er-ol slash ol. Er-ol.

Make sure everyone knows. You can't fuck that up. Make sure everyone knows. You can't fuck that up. Make sure everybody knows. It's not a common name. You don't find that in the, probably not in the baby name thing. You're like, hmm. Errol. Errol's in there?

Yeah, I would have thought Earl. Earl, right. See? That's why Errol's in there, baby. My name is Errol. Okay, hit it. All right. Imagine you're blindfolded and you're getting the best raw porn star grade blowjob in the

entire universe. Okay. I'm there. I'm imagining. Okay. Close your eyes and imagine it. I am. The catch is, however, you'll never figure out who's giving you that God tier awesome

sloppy noppy. Sloppy noppy? Sloppy toppy. Unless you take the blindfold off. Okay. I'm in. Could be anybody. It just, whoever you're into ariana grande

ben shapiro fuck harold from the 7-eleven down the street just picture anybody okay that person but they're the best at it yeah ever it could be it could be freaking uh i don't know like ted that works at arby's it could be be your boss. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to say another thing that's super dark. Let's just continue on. Okay. Now the question is, would you take off the blindfold and find out who the person slash thing

behind the stupendous Jimmy Nibbler is and risk permanently scarring yourself, or would you keep the blindfold on and continue having your knob slobbed till your spirit hits the sky oh arrow choice of words i love you like the phrasing yeah i this is um i'm not sure if it's entirely the same thing but i've seen in the past this floating around the interwebs and it is such a great great great question let me let me leave with this brian because it's as our listeners

should know by now in the sexual world we're a little bit different right like i like to have good sex you like to have just sex like no i still get i still get excited every time this is about to happen like you? This is about to happen. It's like you start clapping and getting nervous and checking your pockets. Yeah, and then like two minutes later, it's like. Right back out of the living room. Right back out of the living room. Hopefully you get to do that again sometime.

But, I mean, blowjob. You've had one? Oh, yeah. They're great. Yeah. Big fan. Yeah. Yeah.

And if you're out there like, I don't have a penis. You can still get a lick job. job yeah get a little lick job and say because like some people just don't like lick jobs there's been i'm just called a blow job like who no i mean blow it imagine blowing in a vagina fuck her body inflates yeah go there is a thing called conflation i learned that in the past where they pump the uterus like full of fluid to make the belly get bigger they do it with the ass too well they do it oh for pleasure yeah they just fill them up because i was gonna say when they do like surgeries they poured gas into your stomach to expand it yeah how nice of them it's just bush baked beans that's the secret recipe is that it all comes out of a human you're like damn bush the dog shows it's the the dog showing

up bringing the bushes big beans never tell the secret or whatever the fuck those things used to say okay so blow job's great getting eaten out great um best ever i mean you've all seen we've all seen the videos on the interwebs you're like how like you are a professional how is that first of all you're beautiful and i respect you and i'm support your dreams by watching this video second of all how did you get that monster down your fucking throat and then smile and do the little tongue thing on the bottom like that is resume building like straight out real straight out of high school you're like graduate of high school and then you just then you just like and and you just put a video of you sucking a dick that well that's like kobe you're straight to the nba you're

in baby so above she's a kobe the kobe bryant of suckin djs kobe that's the name like whatever jessica moeller because that's funny in parentheses because you know dick's in the back jessica moeller it says the kobe bryant sucking dick to from from from 1998 to present well not present oh yeah 2020 well that's kobe but she's still going she's keeping okay keeping the legacy go she didn't also die in a helicopter accident no she she got out of that one that was just a movie that was just a setup some guy was swinging his dick around like a helicopter and it's a different play on the helicopter thing right right yep um so top tier i think part of the part of the great greatness of that is kind of the visual too right yeah that's a big part of the greatness of that is kind of the visual too, right?

Yeah. That's a big part of it. If you're asking me. I mean, the feel is fine. But the visual is kind of the... I would almost say it's the best part. It's like... So... Yeah, so like...

And you know that this is happening, right? So like, you're like maybe trying to sneak one eye open to see... Because what if it is Ben Shapiro? And he's like, the leftist agenda. So you're maybe trying to sneak one eye open to see. Because what if it is Ben Shapiro? And he's like, the leftist agenda. And then you're like, God damn it. Well, the last time I could... He's like, last time I talked about Joe Biden, he's like... You're like, shut up.

Ben? Last time you talked about Joe Biden, I told you you're going all the way... The more you talk about Biden, the longer this is going to last going all the way the more you talk about biden the more this is this long is gonna last okay so ben the deeper it goes yeah but i mean i guess you don't know who they are can they talk like it's ariana grande singing on the way in thank you well i would imagine she's like you know like talking and and like uh i feel like they can't talk okay because well no it's one of those voices like

it's all muffled no it's the the guy that's in the shadow yeah the interview and he's like well when I was 17 I did a little bit of this

is there a female version of that it's the same thing it's like high pitch it's like high pitch I know but like they go up with it it's like Alvin

I did a lot of bad things. Alvin and the Chipmunks. You like that? You like that? I'm not going to hurt you. But if it's Harold from down the street at the 7-Eleven, you can't talk. You'd be like, that's Harold. Yeah.

He's like, we're out of cigarettes. You need to put an order in for... He's on the phone. He gets on his knees and he claps and goes, all right, let's do this. You're like, Harold? No! All right, let's get in on it oh man okay so no talky just the best feeling blowjob ever would you take the blindfold off to see who it was or would you just do it and move on and just be like i have no idea who just did that i think i'm leaning towards no idea who just did that yeah even like like we say even though the visual is a lot part of it well i don't know it's is it maybe it's brad pitt

let's bring brad pitt back into this it could be brad pitt and then i'd be like oh my god can i get an autograph like that's easy he's signing a piece of paper blowing you what a quinkadink what a what an actor role for him he can still pull it off he's so good uh it could but also be the hottest girl what if it's dylan mulvaney see could be dylan it could be literally anybody it could be the hottest chick the ugliest chick i think for theottest dude Ugliest dude Everything in between For the sake of this Thing Has to be a celebrity It's

Margot Robbie Or Or Louis Anderson Oh no And It's like It's a 50-50 shot

And they both feel the same Yeah They're both I mean it's like It's like It could be Louis Anderson Going oh my god This Your dick is so large well he can't talk yeah but that's what he's thinking in his brain bobby's world oh my god uh those are polar opposites well there's got to be someone worse than... Oh, that visual. Oh, Don Vita... Don... Or like Bam Margera's dad.

Oh, yeah. Phil. Phil. Phil's in there. Like Phil Margera or Margot Robbie. Okay. All right. I'm still not peaking.

Because I... Imagine if it was Margot and you're like... Boom. Wow, I'm getting a BJ from Margot Robbie. Imagine if it wasn't. Wow. But the idea boom, wow, I'm getting a BJ from Margo. Imagine if it wasn't. Wow. I am never going to mentally recover from this. Okay, let's make it more complicated.

Your dream... You're on an airplane. You don't have a parachute. Hold on. No, it's your dream. It's like you're one person if you had a... It's the big crush. It's the big...

The hall pass thing. It doesn't matter who it is. I chose Margo, but it's whoever you're one person that if you had a it's the big the hall pass doesn't matter who it is i chose margo but it's whoever you want that to be whether you're gay or straight could be if you're yes whoever it is versus the worst possible person it could be that you that you imagine and i love how it says thing like it could be a fish yeah it could be a sucker fish it could be bigfoot i it should be exciting yeah oh my god not only is bigfoot sucking your dick but he's real and if i time this right i could capture him and get a reward for it yeah you could um i did i i really wanted like for me i want to think of it as your ultimate crush versus your ultimate just hate hate so it's like i could open my eyes and it could be so and so it could be olivia munn gotcha and she's just like

it's it's everything you imagined oh and better since god she was on g4 this is god tear sloppy toppy i picture her eating all those hot dogs i know know you do. Uh, that versus fucking ape or not. Ape, uh, Phil Margera, Phil Margera. That's the, I love how that's the ugly is just some E-list celebrity.

You're like, what do you do to you? I honestly think it shouldn't even hurt you. It shouldn't even be Phil because I think Phil's hilarious. It should be like, it could be the guy that works. It's the guy that works in the the like he's throwing the trash out in the alley of he is the trash they just took him and threw him

in the dumpster it could be that guy yeah thanks huh how about i don't know man i'm leaving the blindfold on i might chance it just the like you're scary it's 50 chance it's olivia 50 chance your life is over it's but i think i could get over it but it's 50 chance it's like wow olivia munn wow i love that that's your response wow you pick up like wow olivia munn and she's like hey olivia munn she goes hi and then you're like thank you and then she's gone she's outside your circle never seeing her again i can't do it i'm blindfolds on just i'm gonna i'm gonna come no one's gonna talk and i'm gonna go about my life i get okay so do you have to complete so like yes you open it up yeah you open your eyes up and it's fucking phil margier i don't know

what i'm just gonna go with him uh yeah and but it's like oh shit and now you have to like blindfolds off yeah you have to keep going right until you come yeah rock hard and flaccid you like sucking a gummy worm phil you have to trick yourself don vito would be yeah don vito's that's even worse uh i love how you know that we're both getting old when all of our references come from the 90s and early 2000s like i couldn't even give you one from now i have no idea who it would possibly be yeah okay blindfolds on for me i'm not risking it i'm gonna go i'm gonna go off just because it could be olivia fine you're gambling man yeah scary playing it safe you're out there throwing it around i feel like see to me that i feel like that would have swapped me too the way

that this started talking about our sexual prowess and or not prowess but our adventures it should have swapped 100 you would have been like ah screw it what is what it is maybe i'm just so desperate for a bj that it's like that's why i'm okay with it now that actually makes sense all i say is like you're blindfolded you're gonna blow and i have to finish you like i get a blow job i'm in from or it doesn't matter it doesn't matter ding ding ding you have a little bell i'm in ding ding ding yeah i would have thought that was swapped as well but now that but now that we just said that and now it does make sense because it's like you could you can go out get a bj if you want i have to wait for my wife to do it yeah Yeah, you got to set the mood. You got to take care of stuff.

Yeah, it sucks, dude. Yeah. Fucking bummer. All right, moving on. Ready? Okay. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe?

What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Apartment living. Haven't done that in a while. The America dream. It's been over 10 years since i've been in an apartment i believe we've mentioned we got the got the drummer guy you live you live in the dream real quick you live in the dream you i mean

what you bought a house but now you get to live in apartments. See, I did it backwards. Right. Fuck you. I was in apartments when I was little. Now I have my own house and my own space and my own backyard. Yeah, it's cool. How's mowing your lawn, though? That's all I got. Yeah, well, how's watering stuff? No, but I've talked about the drummer guy above me.

Yeah. Which, you know, metal drummer. He's lucky I live. I'm a drummer. And I listen to metal. So I give him his half hour every day to obliterate my apartment and shake everything off the walls. That's why there are no pictures on your walls. Yeah.

Not even of your kids. Exactly. But there's that. There's dogs barking. There's people yelling. There's like rich kids living off to one corner. And their parents are in Maui. I don't know where they are, but they're always high and always partying.

So apartments are fun. When I first moved into this particular apartment and I was getting the tour, you know, they're walking me around like, here's the gym that looks a lot bigger in the picture. But we took it with a fisheye lens. Yeah. And we photoshopped a bench press and a treadmill in and we don't have that attractive women attractive women and and super a personal trainer the eye stock photos they put in there just layers super terrible like dude like on a bench but he was actually riding a horse and they chopped him off the horse and put him doing a bench press what olivia munn state lives here

what yeah i mean she's just handing out blowjobs. Rumor has it. Yeah. She has a blowjob stand over here in the game room. You're like, what? Where's the papers? Let me. So they're walking me around and they're showing me the different stuff. But every single part of this apartment, they have those, it's kind of a corner that there's

nothing you can really do with and so what they've decided to do is set up like a fake living room kind of you know they got like the you got the chair you got the other chair and they're kind of facing each other and there's a table and they got like a like some plants on it and some weird maybe some board games or something yeah maybe a board game or something like anyone's ever like you know what we should do let's play monopoly let's get out of my room and go play sorry in the hallway like this doesn't i know that we're comfortable here on the balcony no more fun let's go back there in the hallway and play monopoly in front of people and play

monopoly show how psycho you're right and do our coffee looks great looking at the lake here let's go in the hallway and sit here and drink our coffee and let everyone hear what we're talking about it's fucking nonsense so they're showing this i actually some guy read in the corner nothing and i knew this and she was like there's a commons area blah blah where you're gonna get a little whatever they call them zone whatever okay social zone hang zone hang zone like what's up dude that's something your local church would have yeah come join us at the hang zone we got ping pong arcade we don't got drugs we got ping pong come at me at the something hang zone crossfire and hang with jesus at the hang zone hang zone jesus come hang with jesus oh no

whoops huh okay hanging with jesus oh man i didn't think about that on thursday nights hanging with jesus now that you mention it there's not a single hang zone i've never heard the name hang zone in the church and i think we just figured out why okay so in the apartments i was getting the tour and the lady showed me and i kind of just leaned in i was like have you ever seen anybody in any of these she goes never you know whatever my age no never i'm like yeah of course not and then there's one that's right outside of my apartment. And I guess because the intrusive thoughts, every time something's going on in my brain. And it was a couple months ago, I walked by and I was like, dude, I could take any of this. And no one would ever know.

Because no one's going to fucking notice if this little plant left. Especially since it's right by your door. Yeah, but it's not even about that like and then if i got caught i'm like ah you got me but what i what i've been doing is taking every few weeks just something out of the little commons area like ketchup packets no no that's not there that'd be so weird there's mustard and ketchup there's chair in a nice chair little ottoman coffee table and ketchup maybe i'm doing it wrong maybe i need to be putting shit out in the commons area that's why no one's hanging out

there yeah because there's nothing good there's no ketchup yeah you put lava lamps and cocaine some mushrooms get a lot more people in a air fryer right cocaine in an air fryer have fun boys no but i'm never going back to my room fuck my room now i just started taking stuff and again like i'm not stealing i don't even want it it's like one is like a origami metal bird it's a tiny little statue thing it's stupid it shouldn't be there and that was the first thing i took and i brought it in i put it right next to like where my back door is or my front entrance to my apartment but I never use it and I just put it on the table so I'm not even like I'm not decorating my apartment with this shit but I'm just wondering how far can I go hey could I just

squeak in like drag the coffee table into my and everyone's like shit I thought there's a coffee table there there you could see the tracks dragging it all the way to it. Right into my room. But that's just such a funny concept. No one uses it. Just take it. Yeah. Could I clear out the entire space before management was, you know, just like, you're like, hello? Like, hi, do you have all of this stuff?

I do. You win. Can we have it back? I have a little confetti cannon. Excuse me, sir. Do you have all this stuff? You're like, yeah, I do. It's just a game you're playing.

It's like Clue. Just to figure out. He's like, you won. What did you win? I don't know. All your shit back. Oh, yeah. You got all your shit back.

You got to come get it, though. Yeah. You just shove it out in the hallway and close the door? That is interesting, though. If you would have thought of this in the beginning, you wouldn't have had to furnish your apartment. You wouldn't have to buy stuff. You got nothing in your room. All of a sudden, you come back, and there's, like, a coffee table in your room.

In my room. Good spot for a coffee table. I keep saying room like it's a hotel. No, it's an apartment. It's been so long since I've lived in an apartment. God damn, dude. I swear to God. But what was I going to say?

What if you started stealing shit when the lady was giving me the tour? That's even funnier. You start grabbing stuff. Sir, no, that's... I have a duffel bag. You're pulling the table around with you. Now let's go check out the weight room. It's on a dolly.

Yeah, let's go check it out. Just kick the bottom out and push your table down. Push you down there. You're like, God, man, I love the colors you guys went with in the hallway. Does this treadmill fold up? Yeah, right? You're like, well, find out. And you start rolling it.

Fucking so funny. Or you're like, you know, she's like, that's great. No, let's go check out the other wing. And you just grab a bonsai plant and put it in your bag. She's like, what the fuck? Rolling up the rug. You're like, rug like god damn this spacious in here oh god this would this would look great my living room it goes great with my curtains she's like what are you what is this crazy guy but uh yeah i guess just one of those intrusive thoughts if i could steal an entire little setup put in my apartment i have no idea but i But I might try. I'll send updates.

But I'm scared of getting in trouble. I am scared of that too. Just start small. Because to me, I did. I've just taken things that are on tables. Magazines that are like four years old. And ones that you wouldn't even care about. It's like hunting life.

It's like some home remodel thing. It's like, thanks. It's like hunting life. Yeah, it's like some home remodel thing. It's like, thanks. It's going to go great in my apartment. Those highlight magazines where you find stuff, but someone's already circled them out. Yeah, like, goddammit, you colored them in. No, but how funny is that? A home improvement magazine, but I'm in my apartment where you can't do shit. Home and garden.

Home and garden. How do you start your own garden? It's like, you guys are evil. If I ever get out of this place, I can start my own garden. If I grow my own potatoes. Grow my potatoes. You have a little teeny space in front of your front door. You might be able to throw like a corn stalk in there or something.

Yeah. Just one corn stalk. One stalk. And then when fall rolls around, you've got some decoration for Halloween. How many? Yeah. And corn. I thought you were're gonna go with food

well yeah you you have that too you're right you harvest right there and then it will you know it wilts and you get uh corn maze yeah like come to the joe's famous corn maze just one one stock you did it and you get to the back end you you get candy? Like, what the fuck is... It's just me standing there with my bag? Okay, well, that's it. I'll let you guys know if I get in trouble. And the candy you took from the common area. Right.

That you gave straight out to the kids. Ran around and stole all the little candy baskets. You never have to buy candy. Nothing. Or a table. Toilet paper? Nope. That's out there?

Okay, now it's just a Costco. I'm like, ooh. You go ask your neighbors for sugar, and they invite you inside. You go and steal a roll of toilet paper. That's a classic move. Steal their coffee table. Thank you. Well, they're in their kitchen looking for sugar, and you see,

What are you doing? Just put the sugar on the coffee table. Okay, let's move on. We've got some good dick. All right. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool?

Then it's dick. Got that first dick. Yeah. First dick's always the best. Sent in by a lot of kids. This is a hot one. Okay. You know, this thing's on fire as far as dicks go.

I can feel the heat. Yeah. And remember, we record a couple weeks in a minute. So, probably not the hottest topic at this point. But here we go. Ridiculous. Colorado driver tries to switch seats with a dog in failed attempt to avoid DUI arrest. Do you know how that makes sense?

Yeah. Good boy. There's man how that makes sense? Yeah. Good boy. There's a man's best friend for a reason. He just... Well, I'll paint the visual here in a second. So, Police Colorado... Okay. So, the incident happened last Saturday, Springfield, Colorado, after vehicles observed traveling

52 miles per hour in a 30 mile per hour zone. The driver attempted to switch places with his dog, who was in the passenger seat, as the SPD officer approached and watched the entire process. you you're just drunk driving and then you switch place with your dog and then you fly off a bridge like see it wasn't me i would do that stupid dog idiot go to your go out bad boy bad boy so the male male party that exited the passenger side of the vehicle and claimed he was not driving funny the male party showed clear signs of intoxication and when asked about his alcohol consumption the male party ran from the officer. How many have you had to drink tonight?

I don't know, like one, two, three, go! Am I going on go or going on three? I don't know, like one, two, three. He shoots his gun in the air and takes off running the suspect who was not publicly identified was captured around 60 feet from the vehicle following a brief foot chase 60 feet is nothing it's like here in the window fuck you to the world they fucking what he's running and just fucking 60 feet this is the saddest fucking breakaway of all time. So the Bent County Sheriff's Office then arrived to assist,

and the suspect was medically cleared at a hospital and then booked into the Baca County Jail for his warrants. So clearly, this isn't his first yeah first rodeo uh he got charged with driving under the influence of alcohol and or drugs driving while ability impaired driving under suspension speeding 20 24 miles an hour over and resisting arrest and the dog was given a milk bone uh and he wasn't he wasn't using a seat belt though either yeah yeah the dog clearly yeah yeah uh harness how fucked up do you have to be like this is gonna work this is gonna work hear me out

hey buddy you come over here good boy yeah and the officer what can you roll the window down this is the dog the glass is getting all fogged up sir the guy in the bathroom seat is fucking stiff sitting there he's whispering inside his mouth like roll the window down Rufus Rufus roll the fucking window down

he's just like I can't do it he's like god damn it god damn it and He reaches over. It's one of the roll ones, though. He's hitting the dog. He's like hitting his belly. And he sits back.

He sits back in his seat like nothing happened. What are you doing? Hey, officer. Hey, officer. Sorry. Sorry. He's been drinking. Sorry. Once he got been drinking. Sorry.

Must have got something weird in his dog bowl. What a noob. Sir? What? You've read Go Dogs Go, right? I don't remember. Maybe. I do not like your hat.

Good day. Good day. Don't you remember that book? Maybe. All the dogs having a party on top of the tree but they all drive cars no oh man it's a classic it's no all dogs go to heaven that's true that's another important point go dogs go you have to have a really cool hat to go to the dog party and then all dogs go to heaven if they die at the party they go to heaven probably it wasn't that point these are two separate two separate things like that come together um man unrelated stories stories both about dogs good dog that's so funny he's gonna get away from

that yeah he walks out like i got this off sir yeah yes please step out of the vehicle he's like rufus get out no you sir what what did i do he's like please step out of the car he doesn't respond to that you gotta say come on yes you have a treat down down do you have a treat yeah but she's not getting out of this car unless you have a treat do you have a bone i got something in the back of you to get sir i'm talking to you what what why me why i'm not even driving so i'm in my car well sir and just and then he's like, fuck, fine. And then as he's getting out again to the dog, he's like, fuck you, man. He's like, God damn it, Rufus.

Thanks for nothing. And then makes it 60 feet. You know, the dog just, he's still in the car at the window watching his owner try to run 60 feet. And then runs over there after he falls down and starts licking him. Takes the treat out of his pocket. Reaches, he's like nuzzling in there he grabs a bone out of his happily jumps in the police car just wants nothing to do with this dude i just love that that's such a dog thing just not a care in the world just got my treat yeah it's a visual the cop walks up to the car truck and he's breathing into the window.

He's just fogging up the window. That visual is so funny. And the cop's just hitting his forehead. He's just like, God damn. No way. But that... My shift's almost over. I know.

He's like, of course, I'd get a fucking drunk guy thinking a dog's driving. But imagine that cop walking up too is also funny. He gets out of the car. He doesn't really know what's happening. Shuts the door and he's walking up and just looks through the back of the car and sees this guy scrambling. Fuck. Like the dog's barking. Shut up, Rufus.

And he's just looking at him being like, what the fuck? His tail is just wagging. I'm trying to think of some cool uh cop dog pun that could go together but i'm turning hooch what'd you just say turner and hooch i think he's like turner hooch i was like turner and hooch turner and hooch oh i see what you're saying now yeah okay that was is that in there what's the tom hanks he said turner and hooch yeah turner and hooch no that's what i said that's what you said you said a dog and cop reference so we went to turner we turn in hooch that's the first thing that came to mind i think it's pretty hot how is that not the first thing that came to your mind because i

don't even know what hooch is it's his dog oh and hooch is a drink isn't it i'm so far away from your reference but i have no idea turner and hooch no what the fuck is that it's a movie with tom hanks about him and his dog. And his dog dies. What decade was this movie? You haven't seen it? No. Late 80s, early 90s?

1962. Let's see. Tom Hanks was three years old. Yeah, he was a child. You haven't seen this classic, Turner and Hooch? Oh, it was 1989. All right. Well, I was four, and probably Batman was coming out.

So I missed that. I missed Turner and Hooch. I remember being really sad because Hooch dies, and I haven't watched it since. Yeah. It came out almost 40 years ago. Guess I won't watch that one. I'm looking forward to dialing that one up. I mean, any time a dog dies in a movie.

On VHS. Like, you don't care if the person dies. Tom Hanks died. You go fuck. Yeah. Okay, let's take a look at your dick. Enough about drunk guy on the car. Okay, let's see here, Joseph.

Yeah. Wait a second. The link goes to this story. Oh, it goes to the same Colorado story? Well, that's not good. Well, we can't pause the show. What do you want to talk about um well i'll just i'll i'll google it okay how the fuck did that help how'd that happen i'm looking for it

now oh yeah i see it you'll see it when it pops up it's the very first story so how's everybody's day going this is live when all the broadcast is every time? That's live TV for you. That's live TV. Live! Okay. Okay. Self-checkout machines now ask for tips and latest squeeze on customers. Fucking, what did you just say?

Can you repeat that headline one more time for me? Self-checkout machines Okay Now ask for tips And latest squeeze on customers Cool Got anything to get A couple more bucks, huh?

This is Vomit Consumers are now requested To leave tips At self-checkout machines At some airports Bakeries Coffee shops

And stadiums Across the US Okay, that's great Consumers already contending With the squeeze on their bank accounts due to inflation are now facing more pressures businesses introduce introduce new tipping features at self-checkout machines man okay i mean is there is is there more what's going on here um is there a why why would you do this to make more money oh perfect i mean that was a

more i guess a like a what is it called rhetorical why i wish there was like a i wish there was a way you could say like um no it says taking advantage of an opportunity who wouldn't want to get extra money for every little cost if you could i get that it's like what if we can throw it in there and make you it times us over a million people and an extra dollar or two that's a lot of money but to ask people to do that what who pitched this who pitched it at whatever meeting guys like um well. What if we had a tipping mechanism? He goes, how dumb do I think people are? Here's what I think. I think we will make them work.

They can buy groceries, right? And then they can scan their own shit and then tip us. I'm sure there's probably something in there that says, like, this tip goes towards stalkers. It doesn't say anything like that. Yeah. This isn't a donation. This is a tip. Like this is like,

would you like to donate to little kids that are dying? And you're like, not today. Like that's different. Round up three cents. Would you like to round it up? Like, no,

not today. Like it's three cents. I don't care. Not today. I did it yesterday. What's that three cents going to help? How's it going to help some dying kid? Was the roundup for, you know, starvation in America? Not today. It's that three cents going to help? How's it going to help some dying kid? Was the roundup for starvation in America?

Not today. What's your little line? That's mine. I always round up. Always? I always donate a dollar. What if it's for some cause you don't like? I usually just download it.

Because I don't want that conversation. I know the person won't judge you. But I feel like if I say no, there's going to be a little judge like, can't even donate a dollar. Wow. Wow. Like a little more spit in your burrito? Yeah.

Type of situation? It's usually at a grocery store or something. Yeah. I'm buying like chips. Yeah. There's some that'll ask you to round up. Yeah. Mine's always like,

not today. But I do round up sometimes. I can't do it all the time. I can't just endlessly round up especially i don't even know what the fuck you just said to me especially when you have apps like acorn who will round up your money and put it in investing it for you exactly am i investing in dead kids no i'm trying to keep my kids alive that was the spin yeah and what what's a dead kid gonna do for me yeah what's it gonna do for me oh my god

oh hang zone um oh yeah what are we talking about we're talking about the the the audacity to have a a machine ask for tips it's all okay i'm gonna probably get some flack for this even though i just admitted i i i tip and round up. Mm-hmm. But it is. Of course, you better tip. It does seem ridiculous. Oh, well, like. I just cancel that. I'd be like, I'm out of here.

But let's say you go to like a Starbucks, something like that. The person taking your order is just taking your order and then you tip. I don't know. Like I get it. In some states, like they don't pay their their employees worth a shit at a restaurant they pay them like five bucks an hour or whatever so they make money in tips but certain places make good money so it's like why am i tipping you to literally do the bare minimum of your job just to do your job just to take my order yeah yeah i know that's it sounds

terrible when you say it. I know. But it's like. But it's like you. You're already getting paid for doing your job. Right. You have a screen in front of you and you push the, you push the correct buttons. And then I got, I got my food.

And then what am I, what am I tipping for? That you didn't push the wrong button? I don't know what I'm doing. And I still do tip. I'm with you. Yeah. I still do it. But I don't know why I'm doing it.

Like you're just standing there i would rather well you so like when you go on a trip or uh something like that like when we went to mexico there's we always tip well but it was like this guy we got out of this car and all the guy did was open the door and then like oh yeah right this way it's the best he didn't do anything and i feel like i have to tip this guy. For what? Telling me to walk to my hotel room? To the place I've walked six times already? He's like, hey, get the fuck out of my car. You're like, okay, how much is that? Yeah.

How much do I owe you? He's like, what the fuck? Is this five bucks? But it's weird that you feel obligated to do that. It is. I like tipping people who have their own services. Like, if a guy comes to your house to fix something yeah like i hit this guy and then he actually put in um put in a fucking overhead thing in my ceiling the can

but it was like i felt good doing that because it's like this guy makes his money by doing that he's not working for a paycheck absolutely like a company now let's go back and realize this is not a person this is a fucking machine yeah that is like the you're not paying the machine you're paying the person that owns i don't even know why this is so funny or such a weird like uh the difference in my mind like if the machine it's like okay if i put my so fucking stupid i put my groceries up there and it's a robot and it's a robot. And it's a robot arm. And it grabs my peaches, and it scans them, and it puts them in a bag.

Like, do I tip the robot arm? Like, and that thing's doing way more than me scanning my own shit, and then giving you more money. Like, that makes no fucking sense. This has to be, I would have to do a little research. This has to be like, I wonder if you're actually paying the store or if you're paying whoever owns these machines. Either way. But they're just trying to pay for the cost to use the machine. So it's like, but you'd think there'd be a better way to do than ask for a tip. Yes.

But people tip well, so maybe that's but why would i in what other business do you walk in and then on the way out they're like hey you want to give us more money to keep the business open yeah you're like no like that's not i'm tipping a person for a service i'm not giving the business more money just charge more for the product and don't ask for a tip and that way people won't know the difference the money they're saving on and losing because you're gonna steal some shit. I'm sure you lose a ton of stuff through self-checkout, but by not hiring a person to scan the groceries, like you're already saving money there.

You're marking up the groceries. That's a grocery store. Look at Winco is like Winco. You bag your own groceries. Right. You got it. I can't handle it. They're like, yeah.

And so then there's another person coming down. I always get all stressed out because I like people's gonna wait on me and i'm gonna throw a milk on top of the bread or like this you're like fuck this thing doesn't fit in the why am i putting a toothbrush with a pizza like i don't know just give it out when i get home my wife's gonna be like you destroyed the bread where's the where's the toothbrush you're like it's in the freezer why it was on i was with the pizza i left a bag at the store sorry he was panicking all the time yeah bagging your own groceries that's another one like if they the lady scanned your groceries and then you bagged them all then walked up and gave her five bucks what the fuck are we doing

and that is far better than tipping an automatic scan machine a self-checkout yeah what's next i got there is a restaurant i'm not going to call them out but there's a place here in the cordelaine area cordelaine idaho cordelaine beautiful beautiful downtown cordelaine but there's a a restaurant and it's one you walk up and get in there and it's one of them you walk up and you buy you order your food and then go sit down. One of those. Okay. Okay. Okay. And it's not, it's not new to anybody. It's been around for a while, like, especially in coffee shops with the self busing. Right.

So you're done with your shit. Go put it, help us out and go put it in the, the water bin, sort it out a little bit. So we're, we're faster. We're more efficient. Self busing. Great. Probably it was weird as shit. And old people were like, fuck you. When that first started, but now it's integrated into our society this particular place and i'm not i'm not making this up i walked over to put my my dish and my silverware and then my sorry not

dish it was a basket so they want to keep their basket and then it was some silverware i needed and a cup they gave me a plastic cup one of those the, from every pizzeria ever, the red one with the coconut on the side. Oh yeah. So I got one of those babies and I stack it up there and I look off to the side and there's a, there's a bowl and it's got a rag in it. And it's a, in case you want to go wipe down your own fucking table. Hmm.

What? I mean, that seems a little much. And then like, you're like you're like here's a vacuum in case you in case you want a mop here's a here's a mop bucket and then here's the combo to the to the back door if i want to take the trash out like where does it stop i mean i'm carrying my shit i'm a way out you're it's like can you come you come back and close? And here's a walkthrough. It's a USB drive. Here's a walkthrough on how to bounce the books and do our taxes. Like, where does it end?

You sit and eat and you're just watching a tutorial of how to do all this stuff? That's what plays on the fun screens. It's like taxes. How to file your W-2. You're like, delicious. I can file our W-2. You want to help us out? Yeah.

Come flip some burgers. It's like when you're done eating, enjoying your delicious burger, come on back here and cook for other people. And then tip us. And then give us five bucks. After you're done flipping. Where does it end? But it seems like that's a bit much, right?

I'm not being out of control there, right? Like if I have a kid and the kid punches a glass of milk across the table gladly cleaning that up that's me it's my fault but on my way out the door saving your basket and your cup i'm not going back to my table and washing down the fucking table is this one of those things where you just said like it's integrated in the society like is that gonna be that's the problem what the fuck is happening is that even a restaurant anymore what am I tipping for is what I'm getting at

if you do something like that then you have lower prices for your food you better this is an $18 fucking hamburger I'm not washing the table there's got to be proof that we charge less for our food

because you guys clean up after yourself because you guys were on the restaurant yeah it's like it's like consumer owned you get done eating like all right ready to go like you know how it is babe i gotta go back and work i gotta put in my i gotta put in my two hours okay no i get it i get it it's just it's nonsense and maybe i mean this, is this popular somewhere else? Please write in, let us know. Do restaurants in your area have you washing down your tables after you get done eating? Is that, is that fine? I would like to know.

So send in to heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com. Well, you say you wonder where this goes. I'll tell you where it goes where you're gonna have to like you take a shit and then you're gonna have to like clean up stalls right and when you're done if you wouldn't mind here's the stall and like and cleaning the toilet and everything it would be a lot cleaner though it's a guy that before you washed up after himself instead of man i'm kind of convinced now instead of just putting your dishes like in the even just in the like the busing area you have to go in the

back and wash them it's just so fucking funny to me if i was if we were required to wipe down the toilet after we were done using it i wouldn't be so paranoid about using uh if it's my pee or anybody else's pee i wipe it down i clean the pee off the toilet seat every single time unless we're at like an nfl game i'm not cleaning that up yeah but imagine if everyone did well yeah and imagine cleaning up the vomit and imagine if someone also didn't shit in the top of the toilet and then piss all over the floor like that would be great too you know but uh not gonna happen all right we gotta move on you ready for the fake beef this is a fun one silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated

the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Suit and tie. Boom, boo-doot. All right, this is sent in by our son, Brandon. I like it. Hey, Joe and all Brian. Oh, sorry. Fuck me. Let's restart.

Let's go, Brandon. Let's restart. Ready? Suit and tie. Sent in by our son, Brandon, says, hey, Joe and all caps, Brian. There we go. That's what I meant to say the first time. Okay, so I need my daddies to be on my side.

Again, you can't, in the court of law, if you come out the gate with something like that. Sounds like a bribe or something. Yeah. I mean, if you were actually bribing us, that might work. Just because that's not how it works. It's like, yeah, I might like you, but if you fucked up,

you fucked up. It's like in a courtroom. Like the like, yeah, I might like you, but if you fucked up, you fucked up. It's like in a courtroom. Like the murderer. Judge, I really need this. Judge, I really need your support right now. I've already murdered three people. I could really use a break on this one. Dude, you busting?

Just saying weird shit to him? Dead ass. I need your support right now, dead ass. He's like, what the fuck? And the judge is like, I actually am busing tonight at Antonio's because I just ate. I just had to go clean up the spaghetti they made me make. The judge on his lunch break. Oh, recess. We were at recess and he went to Antonio's.

His phone's like, did it? It opens it up. It's like, God damn it. He takes a slight recess. We're going to take an hour long recess so I could go clean up my table. I'll clean up my table in Antonio's and make my own fettuccine. Now you know how it feels to get jury duty. You get called to go clean up after yourself.

Okay. So I need my daddies to be on my side. Little backstory. When I was married to my wonderful smart wife, Emily, she set our kitchen on fire three times with the microwave once putting ramen in without water once with popcorn and once with well she still won't admit it or what she put in there into the fucking microwave to cause it to be on fire so he ended up separating so he ended up separating 10 years in don't worry it was a happy ending i'm guessing it was just strictly over the microwave he's like i can't do this

i i i'm leaving the house don't know if you're gonna burn the place down he's in the back office working here's fire trucks god damn it why is there a teddy bear in the microwave slams his shit down he's like can't do this anymore what what's it this time uh she's my stapler she's still my best friend since that day we've divorced and this past halloween i was the minister for her and her amazing wife's wedding and this is where the petty beef comes in what yeah so she went she switched to women or she was there the whole time well maybe it was like both out the gate probably not uh i bought them a microwave or is this woman named brandon no. No. So here we go. So the petty beef comes in.

I bought them a microwave. Her wife, Anna, thought it was funny. And Emily has been demanding I get them a real gift. I say the fact that her ex-husband not only did get her a gift at all is nice enough. I also performed at the wedding or performed the wedding, you know, being the minister. So do I need to get her a real present? And by the way, they have been married under a year, and I received a call from her now wife saying, guess what your ex-wife did?

That's right, daddy, set another fucking microwave on fire. I was starting to wonder if it had to do something with that particular microwave. Like, there's like, what we talked about, it's like defrost. Yeah. Potato. Right. Set on fire. Yeah.

Start fire. Survival. Survival mode. Like, dee-pee-pee. Zombie. defrost yeah potato right set on fire yeah start fire survival survival mode like tpp zombie just throwing flint uh anyway so i called her just to say good thing i got you that gift right oh uh much love from your mustang crashing son brandon oh man i mean fuck yes for buying them a microwave that's fantastic what kind of microwave was it want to be like a nice one kind of though see i think that makes a little bit of a difference here if you got them that one that you see in every college dorm when you walk in microwave that you got from walmart or maybe stole from walmart using the stuff checkout i like that

i don't even know how they make a microwave that cheap but it's like four dollars you're like fucking what it fits one pizza bagel she must put things on for 30 minutes or something she yeah she just pushes the wrong button she thinks she's she's do she thinks she's doing defrost but she's actually just nuking it for 30 minutes let me just uh let me just get this chicken breast in here nice and soft 45 minutes i can't believe that four fires what was the thing with separate microwave yeah i'm guessing no she got her new oh yeah with a different microwave yeah yeah i see what you're saying now so it's definitely a user situation because i was starting to think this has got to be a flaw in the microwave i know and i think i mean brandon i know you're just kind of being funny and you want to give yourself a little horn toot

and i'm going to toot your horn that's a funny i'll toot away funny gift no fucking way are you buying her shit you already did you bought her a microwave and then guess what she has to use the microwave now because she set the other one on fire he performed the wedding he shouldn't be giving her a gift at all that was your gift that was your gift uh me being here yeah what does she expect what what would be a real i turned you lesbian right and then performed your wedding you're welcome yeah you're fucking welcome and then she has the audacity to ask for a gift yeah she's like i really could use an air fryer and some cocaine uh she says i think anyone's ever just gotten cocaine for a wedding gift absolutely yes absolutely but what it was just

on the table card gift card for cocaine yeah like user use promo code promo code sniff go use promo code in the bathroom and i'll be there in 10 minutes right it's not a weird fucking situation off 10 off my your next nasal surgery uh no brandon there's nothing to argue over here don't get another fucking gift you already got it that was an awesome awesome joke and i love it so much yeah there that's it was perfect great day yep great day Okay, let's move on. We got some good news this week. All right. All right. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed.

Yeah! Gonna like this one, Joe. Make me happy. Care home resident fulfills teenage dream of watching male striptease show at 92. You're right. I do love it. So she would have been born in what 31 back 1931 back in the day for sure so when she's in her 20s it's in the 50s oh man so she's like she hit the heyday of

flapper stuff yeah grease lightning is that the 50s damn it yeah okay good didn't didn't come out in the 50s well, absolutely Yeah Care home resident Has seen her dream come true After watching a male striptease show Okay Betty Richardson Fuck yeah, Betty Betty Dixon

Yeah That's really what that Last name is Dixon Translate to Lives in a care UK Sway place in Sway, Hampshire Has always had a love

For the theater But this time She wanted to see men At Dream Boys go topless on stage i love that line can you imagine using that to your your wife you get home she's like she goes you went to the fucking strip club i told you i was going to the theater the theater the theater you know i love theater she's like there's a difference between the theater and the fucking strip club i don't know both. Both performing, aren't they?

Is there a stage? Is there lights? Are they acting? Yeah. Yeah? Is there an encore? Probably. Yeah, it's a play.

The whole thing's a fucking play. An encore. All right, okay. Back to it. Dream Boys. Great name. Describe. Uh-oh.

Thanks to initiative by a team at Sway Place, there's a wishing tree. Was installed to allow residents to put forward ideas they want to explore. Mrs. Richardson's dream became a reality. Described as someone who appreciates the male physique and has always had a zest for life. Mrs. Richardson joined her friends at the Bournemouth

Pavilion Theater to enjoy a show at Dream Boys. The striptease company has been performing for more than 30 years. That's some good or different that's some old ass fucking strippers. Yeah. 70

they're also 92? Whoops. They come out in walkers. What kind of stripper yeah doing like cool moves

with the walker little tennis ball on the bottom sexy ass tennis ball. It's the the guy the pommel horse thing where they lift the guy who lifts her legs around he's like trying to do pommel horse on their with his walker there goes a hip uh she was picture uh there's yeah there's like a big

picture of her with all the guys she got a big grin on her face with her cane and yeah i i love this i mean you spend a lot of time in strip clubs no here's the thing i just feel they feel awkward they are but i will say and if you've gone to a strip club you know majority dudes right this particular strip club the one i'm thinking about if a girl goes into a strip club they get all the attention probably because they're way more safe with the girl and there's like a mutual love fun instead of like guy in sweatpants being like me just creepy you want cream pie like we don't serve cream pie sir we have endless soda that'll do um like that guy that's what

that's what's happening that's the typical energy by himself sitting there by himself staring at these women. Yeah, like, you want another one? Another one. That's where he got that line. That's where fucking DJ Khaled. He's at a strip club fucking putting ones up. So when this lady showed up to Dreamboys, oh, man. Oh, yeah. Like an older gentleman or a fucking older lady. These gentlemen are like, great.

That is marquee entertainment. Absolutely. They knew what they are doing just thrusting she got dream boys xl yeah like magic mike yeah i just got got the upgrade so i'm happy for betty hell yeah she got the sweet and the thing is this is in the uk i read a story over the last few months about a similar thing in the usa and they got fucking sued who got sued for like taking one of the people to a strip club like to because they like a man wanted a stripper and so they got him a stripper like not going to like a dance thing and then

got fucking sued by like the family and then in the uk they're like we'll take you the family sued for bringing me for taking the guy to no they sued the place the the senior care facility for allowing a stripper to come into the room and let the guy have a stripper he's that's the usa uk are they coming to visit him because probably not so he's like like, I need something. Need anything. Yeah, what's weird? Like, I need, you guys won't visit me. I need a naked woman. I mean, is that too much to ask? No, but I love the wishing tree set up too.

What was she throwing in there? Yeah. Was it just a little coin? Or was it a fucking dildo? Like a condom just dropping notes? Panties? She's just throwing her panties in the wishing tree? Betty? Please, come on.

Please quit throwing. The panties are dry. We know. That's what I'm saying. I need to go to a fucking Dream Boys concert because these fucking panties have been dry for 25 years. There's dust. There's dust on the panties. Pick it up. They pick it up. It just withers away.

It dissolves. See? See? I'm going to Dreamboys. But I love how they're just like, they read that in the wishing tree, like, Betty, get in the fucking car. Didn't even think twice. No, that's the good news.

I like that good news. Get on the bus. I'm already on the bus. You guys get on, put your sunglasses on. So, fuck yeah. Good job, Betty. Yeah, that's cool. Found something on the internet? Good job, put your sunglasses on. So, fuck yeah. Good job, Betty. Yeah, that's cool. Found something on the internet?

Good job, Dreamboys. Yeah. For letting her have it. Spicing it. Customizable sauce dispenser with more than 200 pounds of cover. This is brand brand new so i wanted to throw it in i can use any of the other ones at any time so well we can we can use any of the other ones but this is so fucking sweet i didn't even think of it like i didn't even think of it okay here we go how do you not think of that fuck you

well because all you use is ketchup that's why come on we all know the the all fancy fucking soda machines that are out there now right oh that you can pick all the different flavors got the touchscreen i mean they seem to always be broken but that's beside the point um you could Whatever concoction you want to make. They're always out of ice. Always out of ice. It always sometimes makes it a little weird. You put it in, it's like...

And then the fucking... The root beer's like... Like, just comes splatting. You're like, God damn, dude. It splashes all over your hands. Then you've got to find a napkin. Yeah. And it's not a napkin dispenser.

No. No, those napkins are jammed way the fuck in there you're digging them out anyway you're doing the two finger trying to slide one up can i just get one it's like how you want 40 i guess i'll take 40 i'll take 40 i don't i don't know why you guys have to get rid of this many napkins but there should be a better way to distribute these fucking napkins because i don't put them on a stack i like when they put them on a stack you walk up grab one right off the top yeah i don't need 40 i don't it's weird weird world we live in but this is something that never crossed my mind and i guess now that i see it maybe it should have

but this this was there this is this might be nobel peace prize winning type fucking shit right here so there's like car fire the wheel no those machine yeah yeah this is way better than any of that craft heinz unveils customizable sauce dispenser with more than 200 condiment combos for restaurants so it mixes them like a swirl cone yeah you just your little touch screen thing you see the model there you got the thing open. So you got the little touchscreen, and then you have your saucies. I'm sure you pick like a, it might be like a ketchup. And you're like, great. It's like, you want saucy ketchup?

You're like, fuck, do I? Do I want sriracha ketchup? I want ketchup and Miracle Whip. Sure. You want to make some? What the fucking version of fry sauce is that? The better one. You like it more than just regular mayo?

A lot of people don't even know what fry sauce is we talked about this one of the earlier episodes is miracle whip i could eat a miracle whip sandwich it's disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself disgusting um but all these sauces man all of them company hopes to appeal to customers looking for more variety spiciness and sweetness in their sauces and learn that new condiments uh it should launch in grocery stores it'll be in fucking all the stuff but the condiments that you can buy or get from the vending machine will also be available so if you find a new mixture that's what i was gonna say like you could invent a mixture and then share it with your friends i don't know

just when things when things go way too far yeah there's a leaderboard on your heinz condiment machine you get in there it's like top sauce yeah fucking johnny votes johnny in connecticut recommends the spicy mayo barbecue sriracha 6 000 upvotes the suicide sauce remember those suicide drink we did a little bit of everything down the oh yeah we called swamp water and else something like that it was oh yeah you just put every sauce in it's like johnny's crazy you can vote wacky wacky sauce of the week leader boy and they move up and down depending on who used your sauces and they always all these companies always have like a share your something with us in social media it's like i just want to eat my fries hashtag saucy sauce

yeah yeah now i'm sharing a fucking picture of the sauce of my it's taking a picture of you your face while you're making it oh there's so many of that i just love over engineered shit imagine standing at the soda machine and you're going, whatever, you're hungover. You're not looking good. Yeah. And it just goes, what the fuck? And you look up and it's just a picture of you. I have a real quick story.

Share your Coca-Cola experience on Twitter. And you're like, what the fuck? You're like, god damn it. So really quick, for my 40th birthday, we went to Chico's, the pizza place in Moseley. It's just a family staple. And I got there. So we got there early. And my sister was already there kind of getting stuff ready.

And some family was going to come. And as I was driving to the place, it started hitting me like, my dad's not going to be there type of thing. Okay. And so I started to get teary-eyedeyed already and then i walk in there and say walk around the pizza place i was like i've been going there since i was a little teeny kid and it was just all these memories and nostalgia started hitting and i was like i just like i started crying and yeah there wasn't a lot of people around but i started crying i was just kind of like walking around looking places like crying crying. And then I hear, and I turn around and there was one of those camera things,

but there was a camera that takes a picture out in the back to people. So I was like walking by. I was like, and I look over and it's just a picture of me going like crying. Poor. Would you like to share this? The Facebook? Yeah.

It's like poor quality you know like black and white just shitty like a little printer like something then it cycles the pictures that it's taken throughout the thing so like anybody looking at the pictures is just gonna see like kids going hi i like and then there's some guy walking by crying 20 years and then just fucking heartbroken sadness yeah and then kickflip yeah fucking oh my god that is funny yeah that is so funny i just when it was one of those moments where i was like sad and then i took a picture and like i wanted to laugh but i was like still so sad i was like i can't believe that this happened like the full polaroid noise was like oh yeah it did yeah, it did. Yeah, and then it's like, hey! Kids are like, yay! Boys start playing a song.

Oh, that's funny. Okay. Should we hear from the kids? Yeah. All right, we've got some good ones. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool

or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes sorry guys we uh just can't stop thinking about brian's picture i'm a fucking machine dude i'm picturing you you're so sad and you're finally like you just got over it like you just got over the emotions you're like okay that's your birthday you guys cheer up man you're sitting at the table and you're eating your pizza you're always looking over at the fucking machine waiting for your picture to come around because it's kind of cool i know when it's gonna happen

you recognize the pictures that are up there before it like a family picture it's like here i come after moose hands like a dad and his kids moose hands grown man crying and then off to a jump jump shot but you just try not to look at it you're trying to focus and your oh your eyes are always going over there just picturing looking at your photo coming around okay our first email coming in from our son scott he has an update about burns hey poppies hi poppy i believe it was in the la quinta gilbert sword jam band where you were talking about third degree burns and And if that was the highest degree of burn, we should have known better. I had a buddy get his legs sucked into a snowmobile track.

Oh, my God. While the throttle was pinned wide open. A fourth degree burn is when the bone gets burnt. It was gnarly, but his leg was saved after some rearranging of muscles from his back into his leg and some skin grafts. You're partly sun, shine, Scott. How did he keep his leg? Is there anything worse than third? I'm glad you asked.

Yeah, it's funny you asked. You know that everybody has bones in them, right? Yeah. Well, when you burn your bone. You know what bones are, right? You know what bones are, right? Well, when you burn your bone, that's a fourth degree burn. Thanks.

He's the dude with his leg burned to the bone he goes oh fourth degree he's counting the layers and right here on the bone is the fourth degree bone it's the picture of like magma and the earth crust it's good oh right there epidermis uh fourth degree burn that's fucking disgusting uh okay you want wanna read the Second email Yeah it's coming from Our dommer Dommer There we go

Yeah she's a Cannibal Nom nom nom Emily Yep With two L's What's up motherfuckers Hello

Whoa coming in hot That seems like the only Appropriate thing to call you guys Being my dad Fine Since you had to Fuck so many of our moms to get us this many kids but childhood trauma aside you have one mom by the way surprise that's right she is it's

oprah go ahead everybody gets a dad everybody gets a dad you get a dad uh have one word story for you i'm not much of a story writer but i will god you gave me the long one yeah it's holy shit you can take a pause in the middle if you want to i it off. I will try my best, just in case Daddy Boy, and it was the one reading as right on cue. When I was pregnant with my son, I was working at one of those salons inside the Walmart for a couple years. Salon inside of a Walmart? Yeah, they have them. Like, they got a subway, got a salon. Sometimes they got, like, a jewelry thing in there.

I would go get a Subway sandwich and eat that while I'm getting my haircut. And then talking about rings, I'm going to go get it next door. I'm going to propose to my wife. Chewing your fucking teriyaki sub. Meatball. Special. No, I love her. I'm really ignorant to this because I visualize some of the people that work at Walmart.

And then... What? I don't know i just like your mind wanders i mean there's a whole website fucking for people at walmart yeah and then so the i guess those people like cutting hair is what i'm visualizing gotcha okay go on since i was right at the entrance to get inside of walmart the door greeters were always right that's what i pictured a greeter we're always right outside the salon, greeting everyone coming in and out. I got

to know all of them very well and would talk to them often. Things were slow in the salon. One of them was a really nice old man in a wheelchair that was always happy and smiling. Me being a smiley person, myself, and also a colorful haired pierced and alternative type girl. Ooh, sexy.

Give her a sexy hug. There it is. That's good. right carry now we can move on yeah he would often talk me about his jewelry uh business and made me a couple different pairs of earrings and studs for my piercings all the all the time i had my head shaved time oh at the time i had my head shaved into a mohawk and would have tons of different designs every few months. One day I was telling him about the sacred geometry design, the flower of life, that I was planning to do next on my hair. His eyes lit up and he started telling me about how back in the day he used to make dream catchers and would draw tons of those for him and his friend and got really good at them. Okay, got a little talent there.

Yeah. He insisted that he drew one for me so I could use that in my hair design and I was more than happy to let him. For the next couple of months, we would talk about it and he would remind me that he was planning on drawing it up for me. One night as I was starting to close the salon, he said he would finally

draw one for me and break on his break and get it to me before I left. As I was one closing the gate, he rolled up to me and handed me a small piece of paper with black paper on top. Blank paper. God. It's the last time I'm doing this. You finish it.

You're doing good. He said, here, I give this to you as I promised. I haven't drew one in for years and when I forgot, I finally still got it. I looked at the piece of paper and on it was a full frontal sketch of a vagina. Pussy lips, lab labia and clit very carefully drawn with the oil. Yeah, like just pristine A little bit of cum dripping out of it I instantly handed it back to him and said oh my gosh That is not what I meant at all This is the design i've been talking about and showed him my lock screen background with the pattern on it.

His face instantly turned bright red and he apologized profusely. Explaining that what they said he used to call back in the 60s. Call the flower of life. He continued to apologize and then asked me if he'd pretend this never happened and continue being friends. I told him it was totally okay and I understood the confusion. I apologized myself that I explained what I meant. Fuck. Hadn't explained.

I'm still haunted by this. All the countless times we were talking about it through the months and realizing that he thought I was talking about that flower of life. I also still wonder why he never thought i wanted to shave pussy design on my on the side of my head yeah that's weird for him to just be like oh damn i know you can you can put a i know exactly what you want you'll look good right there a pussy with some cum dripping out of it thanks old man anyways keep up the good work and thanks to always keep me laughing your flower of life loving daughter emily man that's good imagine that dude he's like i can relate to the youth he's like i know how to do that and just draws a cum dripping puss

that's so when i originally started reading this i was thinking like some old conservative guy was what i thought it was gonna be and it turns out it was like the other way yeah he's like oh yeah you want a fucking wet vagina listen and then what was he drawing them for? Was it like, was that they couldn't get a hold of porn? So he just got really good at drawing him and his friends some vajays so that him and his little troops could spank it. I remember like mid-90s on Microsoft Paint trying to draw like a negative. I remember drawing boobs with a mouse and trying to try to do a round damn it with the mouse control z control z one more time god damn it where did

where the nipples go i got the boobs how do i what's a nipple look like yeah well then it was just nipple no areola it was just nipple yeah no areola Dot dot Nipple That's enough for me It was I can do it I know Emily that's funny I think You should get a pussy

Shaved into your head Alright well that's our show It is That's episode Episode 49 Which is pretty cool Yep We'll keep going

For those that subscribe To us on Patreon You can be a part of the gaggle Go to patreon.com Slash can you don't podcast and there's three tiers to choose from find the one that's best for you we got our socials got instagram facebook youtube you can go find us there something you want to see on the show send it in hey guys at can you don't podcast.com rate and review us and a big thanks to the babysitters

for running our facebook page uh okay well fuck dude. I had a lot of fun today. Yeah, me too. A lot of laughs in and I don't know, my pants are a little tighter. Yeah. And I wish I could go see the Dream Boys.

Yeah. Well, we could, we have, we could, we could, we had time. Yeah. We could just head

to the strip club. It's in the UK though. We gotta, fuck. It's Thursday afternoon. We'll use all of the Patreon money, fund a trip for Brad Guy

and I, head over to the UK and watch Dream Boys. Oh, I thought thought you're gonna say just all that money and go to a strip club oh yeah sure i mean kind of i just want to see what betty saw yeah i want to i want to experience betty's point of view so we dress up as old ladies yeah walkers and go to yeah just see if we could have they're giving you a lap dance and they're just like, that's a dick. That's a penis. You just pull your wig off like some kind of Scooby-Doo. Would have gotten away with it. For this dick. For these rotten old kids.

For this big old dick. Okay, let's do this. I got a joke for you, Joe. Okay. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? All right, Joe. What?

How do you get a squirrel to like you? How? already, huh? Alright, Joe. What? How do you get a squirrel to like you? Uh, how? Just act like a nut! Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. What's that? Whatchamacallit? Got the Whatchamacallit fucking theme song?

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don't. It's Alvin Joy? Yeah, no, it's Whatchamacallit. theme song Sometimes you feel like a nut Sometimes you don't Do do It's all in joy Yeah no it's Whatchamacallit Isn't it Fuck me man Isn't it We'll figure it out

Fucking nut commercial It's just for nuts But it's just big beans Damn I thought it was a fucking I thought it was a candy bar Maybe it is I don't know We'll figure it out

We'll talk about it later Alright kids Thanks for hanging out Silly geese We'll keep the party going.