Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Drunk Monkey. Cartwheel. Pink. Middle Child.

Episode Date: May 29, 2024

What would your response be if you caught some random dude fingering your car on your security camera? Let's talk about that, farting your pencil across the room, a wallet that runs away when you are spending too much money, Flavor Flav becoming the spokesperson for women's water polo, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/LhWgMr6BJbwSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Drunk Monkey, Cartwheel, Pink, Middle Child Boy, do we have a fun show today. We do. Yeah. Thanks to everyone who has reached out concerning the news about my sister. So I'll make sure I mention that. And then it was wild to see the emails and comments about people saying that 101 was probably one of their favorite episodes. Really? And I'm sure because we have a fucked up audience that loved us having terrible news out the front and then just diving back into it throughout the show. And being like,

just making them feel uncomfortable and really ramping up the dark humor. I don't know if I should say this, but I'm going to put my leather gloves on this week. Last week it didn't feel right. You can't just talk about tragic news like that while wearing fucking leather gloves. I had this thought. Unless you're the wearing fucking leather gloves. I had this thought.

Unless you're the one that killed him. Go ahead. I had this thought, and I was like, I don't know if I should say this or not. This is going to be great. But the way that the reaction did, I was just thinking, I'm so glad. You wish you had more sisters that would die? No. I'm glad it didn't happen.

How do I say it? The week of episode 100. That would have been a huge bummer. Yeah. Because I'm glad it didn't happen. How do I say the week of episode 100? That would have been a huge bummer. Yeah. Because I'm glad. At least it was the week after. Yeah. We started fresh in the new 100 and we didn't put a damper on them.

And very fitting to come out with just terrible tragedy news. It's very us for sure. Like, hey, something else terrible happened I know I know so the bonus content will keep going if you follow us on Patreon thank you to everyone who signed up you can find us at patreon.com slash can you don't podcast just find

whatever tier is right for you but we keep recording at the end of every single episode to make sure you get additional content exclusive merch and we got new merch coming we're working on it right now shut up and what huh would you i think i was saying as myself we haven't put any new merch out in a while so i know we're working on it i'm like we'll get it out oh fuck that's like an internal battle it was no it was guys you're so fucking stupid i i this is what this is my daily

thing like you didn't put out a video today you didn't put out new merch what and it's stupid i i this is what this is my daily thing like you didn't put out a video today you didn't put out new merch what and it's a you know down your family yeah it really that's the way it feels like anybody that's like oh i it's like you don't need to put me down i can put my i put myself down playing for me for my own self yeah i don't think that anything i said in that sentence was directed at you no it wasn't but i i took it as that because great now i'm gonna think about the whole episode. I guess just like this whole time. You're like, dude,

please for the love of God, don't lose Brian. It's the last thing I need right now. No, it's, it's my own. It's my own self deprecating. No failure.

Yeah. Self defecating. Stinky penguin. Yeah. Uh, anything you want to see on the show, you send that into, Hey guys,

it can, you don't podcast.com. We are doing to see on the show, you send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. We are doing a lap time with Uncle Zach. Quick preview. Hit it. We got some human behavior stuff. I'm going to talk about a couple of myths that we believed when we were kids. Is Brian making fun of himself when no one said anything that led to him making fun of himself on there?

Maybe. Okay. Love that. Love that. Joe said, hit it. And I wanted to say, I want and I wanted to say I want to rock right now. I want to rock right now. I want to...

Playing all the hits. Before we get into the show, someone sent in an email. Yes. Yeah. Has to do with the sexomnia. Oh, I've been thinking about it. We've actually got a few emails. Yeah, we did. For some reason, this one just kind of stood out. When I climb into bed and I'm laying down, I'm like, dude.

It'd be so funny to shove a book in my butt. A whole book? Dude. Read the whole thing. With my ass. It's not a hardback. It's so you can roll it up. Oh, nice.

It's just Maxim Magazine from 1992. My favorite. That would probably be like Kathy Ireland orireland or something it's my favorite yeah favorite issue i wanted in me all right uh hey daddies i actually suffer from sexsomnia and i didn't think it was a real thing until you read it on the show my now ex-fiancee would tell me and my friends tales of me sexually harassing her in my sleep and i would literally have no recollection of it i love how she was like it wasn't just to him it was us and our friends like a like a spaghetti dinner party

yeah we just announced it to everybody hey i want to get this out of the way real quick before we i got an announcement oh so johnny's got a toast no no no no please sit, please sit down. Please sit down. He's been jerking his dick in his sleep. Anyway. Sounded a little AI. Not a bomb. Amen. Okay. Okay.

There were about three times during the five years where we were together that we had fully completed the deed. And me having no memory of it and countless other events of me grabbing the butt, the boobies, the coochie, whatever. She would then push me away. I then laugh and continue sleeping. Of course. That's crazy. Other than squeezing too hard from time to time, no bruises, just ouchy. It was, I wasn't ever frequent or concerning enough to see a specialist about it. So we just ignored it. We separated for way different and better term. What? Yeah, we got it.

We separated for way different and better terms. So don't go making assumptions that aren't you already did, huh? Yeah, we did. Yeah. Well, fuck you too. I don't know why I tell you guys anything. Haha, JK. Love you, daddies. K Kiefer the girly man

Okay That's funny I think that's the greatest thing Knowing you did something in the past You're listening to the show You're like oh fuck that sounds really familiar Oh shit You start looking it up

That was me I did that I'm a sexomnist Sexomnist shit oh my god was that when you start looking it up and you're like that was me wow that was me i did that i'm a sex omniest sex sex omnist i'm trying to think of a time where if i was like being groped i actually i i can think of a time that i have woken up like in the middle middle of sex and being like oh my god what the fuck is happening well that's happened to me one time where you were having sex you you weren't awake i wasn't there at the beginning but i was it was in a it was mutual it was like a blackout but you weren't sleeping no i was sleeping but then when i woke up i was having sex that's weird yeah it was weird so i get where keifer's coming from um

but also man i don't i can't think of a time if that if i was getting harassed in the middle of the night where i'd be like no but then i thought uh no but then i thought about early alarm when it's like i have i have 20 more minutes of sleep. And if you are literally, if you are begging me to finger you right now, no. You got a busy day. You're waking up early. And you're trying to drag me into some sex stuff right now. It's like that would be maybe the only time. Unless it's been a while.

Right before the alarm. Unless it's been a while and you're like, oh, shit, this is happening. Okay. God damn, I guess I'll start my day at 345 instead of 415. Yeah, but there are worse ways you could start it if you're going to have to start it. Yeah, that wasn't my point. I was trying to think of the only time I would ever be. You have a lot of sex and you get to pick and choose when it's like, oh, I don't feel like it right now.

Because I can get 20 minutes of sleep. Who gets 20 minutes of sleep? I don't know. That could be the best 20 minutes of sleep. Who gets 20 minutes of sleep? I don't know. That could be the best 20 minutes of sleep. You ever had a good nap? Like a little tiny one? Yeah. I mean, I did it this morning.

I took the kid to school and I was like, I'm going to go back to sleep. I'm going to do it. And then for about 45 minutes, I woke up groggy and felt worse than I did before I laid down. See, that's the risk. Yeah. But I was just trying to figure out how and what situation I would not want that. And I think that might be the only time that I would hate being woken up for sex. At a funeral.

No, I love that. Get woken up at a funeral. Like, first of all, what are you doing sleeping at a funeral? Awesome. The slideshow is boring. My casket just has a huge, like, a dome bubble over where my dick is supposed to go. What do you want me to come? I want you to come in the casket. In the casket just has a huge dome bubble over where my dick is supposed to go? With sea view glass? I want you to come in the casket.

In the casket. On the corpse. It was her final wishes. That's my mom. Could you imagine walking up to the, like everyone's, okay, there's one thing to do at a funeral, but like, you know, the viewing when people walk in and just walking by the casket saying words and then they kind of walk off. What if you were in line, you wait in your, and you just pulled on your pants and started...

Yeah. Yeah. This is what you said you want. These were your last words. Don't move if this is what you want. Okay, I'll do it. Everyone's just shocked. Everyone's just like, oh, my God.

See, this is why I shouldn't have bought him a plane ticket. He needed to stay home. He shouldn't have been here. He wasn't ready for this. He wasn't ready. And clearly. I mean, he was ready in a certain way. Yeah.

Okay, should we get the show rolling? Yeah. We got a fun show. Okay. All right, let's have some fun. Hey, Zach! Hey, shut up. Start the show already.

Okay. And I'm just going to say it. Just so you know what's coming. Okay. We're taking Danny Beer. We're bringing him in. He's been known. He's been known. And Danny Beer fucking sends in some wild ass would you rathers.

Where does this shit come up? I don't know. He's written emails. He's like, hey, I'm not fucking doing drugs. That's great. He's just got one of those brains. He's just one of those guys. Danny Jack and Coke. That's right. Danny had a few beers. Nice. Did I fucking get it?

Yeah. Okay, so buckle up. Here we are. Thanks, Danny. Would you rather have your butthole in the palm of your dominant hand? So a palm hole. Exactly. A little hand hole. Or have to cartwheel to work every day.

So us primarily working from home. Let's pretend we don't. Okay. That's the only way this is going to work so thinking about the the other 99 percent of people that don't get to work from home you have to cartwheel to work every day or have your butthole in the palm of your dominant hand i mean that right away just seems The cartwheel thing seems Excruciating

The butthole thing seems fun Cause like my first Pretty inconvenient It is but my first thought is like Ironman Like you're putting your hands down And he's you know But only one hand So you're taking a hard left or a hard right

It's always yeah you're always Well you kind of move into a cartwheel position, honestly. It would roll. I mean, how much, and you stand up at work, and you're like, this is great. No, but there's no way you fart enough to propel yourself. Like Iron Man. Okay. That's not enough toots.

We're also shitting out of our hand. Can we get rid of the realisticness? No, I'm not going gonna forget that science exists there's no way a fart is gonna okay propel you through the air but i didn't say fart i said like diarrhea is what i'm picturing there's no way the flame that comes out of his hand when he's taken off now i'm just picking like picturing a space shuttle just powered by fucking just shooting diarrhea. It just, instead of the flame and the smoke of it,

it's just like a bunch of honey buckets with a bunch of dudes that just a Taco Bell, like sitting in a, sitting in a cylinder, like a, like a disposable cylinder. Like they know they're going to die, but they just feel like they have to do it.

And they're going to sit off to the side of a space shuttle. Rough course. Yeah, because we're fucking using 36 dudes against a Taco Bell. We are 10 feet off the ground. It just goes, it goes, three, two, one, ignition. It just goes, everyone. two, one, ignition. He just goes, everyone. It lifts like one foot. It comes back down and then everyone's just like, all right, cancel launch.

Boys, we got to do better than this. We got to do better than this. More Taco Bell. More Taco Bell next time. But no, pooping out of the palm of your dominant hand. There's also some convenience with that. It's much easier to wipe out of your dominant hand. There's also some convenience with that. Like, it's much easier to wipe a... Out of a car? A car window?

Oh, shit. Just roll your window down and just shit right outside. I had an emergency today. I had to go run some errands, and I headed up to get the things I needed. And the second I pulled in the parking lot, you know when that... Your stomach... You have no warning. It's not like oh i

feel like it's like oh man i'm gonna have to poop in a bit i pulled in and immediately it was like you gotta this is this is this is gonna be a problem and i was like i'm not pooping in this fucking box store and i just went and guess you turned and went right back out and went back home i love how you pull in there and you didn't even, it's just like, no, just crank it. The pain I knew and I barely made it home. I, but I did and I, I spray painted and I was happy that I didn't have to do that. I'm surprised you, that sounds like a move that I would do. Cause I don't like pooping public. Well, I don't, I don't, I mean, I don't like, I don't like to do it but i can't i will do it yeah i mean i i will too but if if i've got time to get back home i'm doing it so i don't know he

said no to expect yeah you might be it might be a cleanup one type of thing or you're like deal with it yeah not i know that game yeah it was like zero to 400 like right out the gate and i was like nope and i just fucking blinker and turned right back around and went back home i i'm picturing like uh like a valet situation where you roll up and the valet comes running out to get your car and he's he's like all right i'll take your car like no i gotta uh decide i'm gonna run home take shit i'll be back at 20 or he takes off with it you have to chase him down yeah stop stop stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. No, but the convenience of having it in your palm, like out the window. And it's so much easier to wipe your palm than it is between a couple of hams. A couple of cheeks.

You just lick your palm. Which is also like, what a bummer that we have these fucking fatty cheeks. And that's where our poop comes out? Well, the alternative is you don't want to sit down. What? Like, that's why they're fatty and cushiony, so you can sit. I understand that, but what a bummer. I mean, chairs would be a lot more comfortable if you didn't have some fat to sit down on.

What? No, we would design chairs to be more comfortable. Yeah. But I'm saying, like, so palm in the toilet. So you're saying these stools could be more comfortable than they are. They would. That's what you're telling me. They wouldn't exist if we didn't have some fat on our ass.

But sticking your hand in the toilet and then just wiping your palm off. That's great. That's wonderful. But now I'm thinking about dominant hand. And like how many times, I don't know know like you're in school or at work or whatever and you're writing and you gotta you gotta squeeze one out so you have you have a pencil in your hand and you're like it shoots the pencil out of your hand across the room it's across your desk and you grab it And you're like

God damn it And you have to write You know Just pick your pencil back up And the fart is right in your face Shaking someone's hand And you're so nervous Giving them a hug

And your fucking hand farts on them Just a Just a little I think what I would like to Let's go back to the classroom situation. Sexy time. Let's say you're sitting, you're at your desk. There's a person sitting in front of you.

You just take your hand and you go, you just reach forward and right in their ear. How great would that be? And then you just pull it back. I mean, when we were younger, I mean, you would fart in your hand and put it in your friend's face. Like you would just put your hand in your friend's face. Oh, yeah. Like, you would just put your hand in your friend's face. It would be right from the source.

Yeah. Direct from the tap. Pink eye everywhere, dude. That's great. God, that's funny, man. Like, thinking about, like, a girl given a hand job, but her butthole's on her palm. Sounds like that one chick that... Just fucking jerking it off. And you're like, yeah, I'm almost there, I'm almost there.

Just... Like, your fucking hand... Your hand farts on his dick. Sounds like that one chick that just fucking jerking it off and you're like, yeah, I'm almost there. I'm almost there Your hand farts on his dick like where do you go from there? What are you sorry? Sorry, but holes on my no we have some we sort of have a Something to work with what's the a playbook like that the girl that just vomit all over the dick and laughed it up and get me like you just can't go over a dick and keep rolling yeah it's like you and when you're in the heat of the moment you just keep going but if you're a guy like really are you gonna be I mean I don't know shaking hands like and it says your dominant hand but

if you change you're like hey this is on my dominant hand, because I'm left-handed. Yeah. So, I would just start doing right-handed stuff. How is, okay. But then that becomes my dominant hand, does my butthole morph over to my dominant hand? Switches in the middle of the night. I've always wondered about that. Like, if you're left-handed and people are mostly right-handed, you go to shake hands.

Like, I'm trying to visualize what it would be like shaking my left hand, and I feel like it would just be so awkward. But I guess you have a dominant for most things, but it probably still feels natural to shake with your right, right? Yeah. Well, I mean, I'm, what, ambidextrous? Yeah. Like, I think we've talked about that. Like, in school, if there was a whiteboard, i would write with my right hand so that my left hand wouldn't erase it oh yeah you know and then scissors scissors i cut with my right hand

instead of my left but and i play sports right-handed but i write and i eat and you would shit with your left hand i wipe with my left hand yeah no i mean you would shit gotcha i see where you're going yeah thank goodness you play right-handed guitar i play guitar right-handed i don't know i feel like my parents maybe just wanted me to be left-handed so bad they tricked me into doing stuff do you want my life to be so hard you would have uh well never mind um you would have uh i mean just being able to run your hand under the sink. Clean your butt off? Bidet. Bidet to go.

A mobile bidet everywhere. So I'm already leaning towards this. I mean, just imagining, let's not forget the other side, cartwheeling to work. That sucks. So funny, but you would be socially famous. Like, think about it. You cartwheel up to a crosswalk, and you stand up, your hair's fucking so tossed. You're sweating your ass off. You've been cartwheeling for half a mile to a mile away.

Your job opportunities are going to be limited because you have to fucking cartwheel. Probably more. So you cartwheel up to a fucking crosswalk, and you stand there, and you hit the button, and everyone just gets their phone out. And the second it changes, you're just like, here we go. Wind up and just start cartwheeling with a briefcase. Oh my God. A little bit farther and just cartwheel all the way. That sounds awful, dude.

Cartwheeling is not easy. That is exhausting. I don't think I've ever done more than one cartwheel. Right. That's what I'm saying. Like you do one, you're like, okay, I did it. Yeah. Imagine just keeping going.

And then also imagine you just made me think of something like bumping the button on the thing to get the crosswalk, but you do it with your poop hand. So like if you're not washing your hand good enough, you're just getting fecal matter all over everything. I know. So you're leaving a path of destruction. Getting a rim job. Like shit particles everywhere. Getting a rim job and you just hold your palm up. God.

Definitely couldn't work at a restaurant. No. You are the E. coli. You're handing a plate of fucking spaghetti over. And you're handing it down. Did you hear that was that you and you're just like you rip your hand back and hide it behind your back will there be anything else it wasn't me this spaghetti smell like fucking farts did you fart in my spaghetti it's hard to explain but you're bringing their food out and you just like like you had the situation you had

where you're like oh my god but you're bringing out the food there but you just shit all over the table oh like a little squish oh it's terrible like ah you're reaching across can i get that for a refill and then just just a little more marinara yeah a little squirts out oh that's gross glad i said that oh i tried to push the button there it is all right well talking it, I'm going butthole in my hand. Absolutely. Yeah. Same. Butthole, butthole, butthole. It would be an inconvenience, but also there would be huge pros to it.

But also a convenience. There's no pros to cartwheeling to work. It's only cons, and the butthole hand has many pros. It does. It does. It's going to be gross. Oh, one of those gross buttholes that has a bunch of scar tissue on it. What?

All right, you guys ready to move on to the next thing? Oh. All right, Zach, play it. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? I'll tell you what I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Tell you what I'm thinking about is scarry buttholes. Okay. And I feel like you're just going to leave that hanging out there. And hemorrhoids. Yeah, well, just like the butthole. We don't have a choice.

It's hanging out there. Okay. So we have been getting submissions, AI songs. We've been playing a lot of ai songs and i finally just got curious enough to to dive in okay i was like what's going on where are people making these and i want to do it so brian and zach i have done it excellent introducing and i'm gonna play it for you right now okay this is the first one uh i will say there was a learning curve like figuring it out and the prompts or what yeah i looked up prompts later like so at the moment it was like there was randomizing and like changing

just kind of the the flow of stuff uh using ai lyrics i also put in my own lyrics uh to try and space things out it wasn't just like this is not like 100 ai wasn't like i just put in write me a song about fucking this and that and then this is what we got it's like no i had to tweak it and work with it for a bit okay um but are you ready i am i'm excited okay here we go enjoy is this a country song yes it is okay oh no i just need the genre okay it's. Okay, here we go. Enjoy. Wait, is this a country song? Yes, it is. Okay. Oh, no. I just needed the genre. Okay, it's a country song. Here we go.

I'm living with my lady And things are heating up Love's in the air We're ready to fuck As we're reaching the end I whisper Where do you want it? I need to know where to blow.

I can't hold back any longer. I know you wish I was stronger, but here we go. She says, in the birdhouse, baby, that's where I want it. Please do it for me. Go to the tree. So I grab my ladder. I'm ready to climb to the birdhouse, baby. Fire or wind, chime.

I'm ready and prime. Gonna make our wishes come true. One birdhouse at a time. Okay, this is legit song. In the backyard, under the moonlight, pounding a birdhouse. It's an unusual sight for the neighbors This poor little family of robins Is probably so confused right now

Covered in goo just trying to sleep And I'm fucking their house I hope they can still get oxygen With a pecker clogging their door In a birdhouse baby That's where I want it Please do it for me

Go to the tree So I grab my ladder I'm ready to climb to the birdhouse baby Fire on wind and chime I'm ready and prime Gonna make our wishes come true One birdhouse

at a time What have I done? This winter I'll hold on to the moonlight Far out in the birdhouse It's an unusual sight for the neighbors This whole little family of province It's probably unusual sight for the neighbors This whole little family of robins It's probably so confused right now Covered in goo just trying to sleep

And I'm fucking their house They can still get oxygen With my pecker plug in their door In the birdhouse, baby, that's where I want it Please do it for me. Go to the tree. So I grab my ladder. I'm ready to climb to the birdhouse, baby.

Fire, oh, wind, chime. I'm ready and prime. Gonna make our wishes come true. One birdhouse at a time. My God, what have I i done this is so damn sad this fades out that's pretty damn good so how much oh my god i was laughing so hard how much uh with my pecker my pecker like did you have that kind of stuff or like the pecker and yeah yeah okay i added some of that stuff uh it kind of gave me a blueprint and made me, you know, kind of, you could write in what

you want, generate lyrics, and then certain things just didn't make sense. And I'd go back and swap them out. And as you click like the generate button, it does like different styles and not all of them work. They don't do stuff. And then finally, I fucking got that gym. I love that. It's like you're

fucking the bird. I hope they you plug in the hole in the pecker. Hope they still get oxygen with my pecker clogging their door. Be a great music video.

Okay, so I think we I think we all agree that um we're gonna make like a full dude we have album of just can you don't hit jokes jokes from the show through that yeah because but i mean i was impressed like it misses it misses a lot like the ai shit does miss a lot yeah like it really does like the amount of things that you kind of tweak and go through and change it it doesn't do the same format every time like you click it and it generates the song and it's way off like it doesn't know what to do it sings it in a weird fucking way uh and even though this one still did it did it in a way that at least made sense

And it took a bit It took hours to pull this one out But god damn dude It's pretty well done I mean I don't want to bore everybody That first So I did notice this It always messed up the first word

So it says sitting with my lady But none of them could come out and say sitting It sounds like it's just like i don't know what they're fucking saying living with my lady thanks for heating up love's in the air we're ready to fuck as we reach in the end I whisper Where do you want it? I need to know where to blow I can't hold back any longer You can feel it ramping up.

I know you wish I was stronger But here we go She says in the birdhouse, baby That's where I want it Please do it for me. Go to the tree. So I grab my ladder. I'm ready to climb to the birdhouse, baby.

Fire on wind chime. Fire on wind chime. I got to hear the second verse again. The second verse, they came out firing. One birdhouse at a time. I want to make the dreams come true one bird house at a time what a country line that is dude it's so good in the backyard under the moonlight pounding a birdhouse it's an unusual sight for the neighbors. This poor little family of robins is probably so confused right now.

Covered in goo, just trying to sleep. And I'm fucking their house. I hope they can still get oxygen with my pecker clogging their door. In the birdhouse, baby, that's where I want it to be. Oh, damn it.'s where I want it. It's really considerate. You know, it's like, God, I hope these things can still get oxygen while he's just plowing away. The thoughts that go through your head. This poor little family of robins.

Probably so confused right now. Covered in goo, just trying to sleep. As I'm fucking their house. Like the way he says that part, dude. Oh my God. You're going to have to learn that to play it live. Can you change it like I want a female or like a young man or an old man? Can you change that stuff?

Yeah. We'll mess around with it a lot more. Yeah. But God damn, dude. Couldn't stop thinking about that. Sent it to some friends uh like even some friends are like don't listen to the show and they're like oh my god that's so fucking just so funny and blown away i mean and it does save time it's like having the musical talent to do it and to pull this off but then also like i'm like oh my god to a couple hours like

it was so annoying to try and work it out but then thinking about a full band and getting the room and recording it mixing mastering bouncing it around to make sure everybody's happy with it like this is a force dude it's kind of scary it's no rubbing and tugging my fucking nips like yeah but for us it makes sense for the the kids oh yeah yeah uh it is kind of scary to think that something can be produced from a creative perspective like because you think about all the you're just stressing out over layering all the music how is this gonna work and then it's like fuck i could just type it in to the computer and they'll do it for you so and it automatically does like the the i can't fast forward it with the player but it does like the or it automatically does the like the megaphone sound effect oh yeah yeah i didn't i didn't do any of that shit

so like this part coming up, that was all the AI program. Like this shit? I just repeat the line. It's probably so confused right now. Covered in goo just trying to sleep. And I'm fucking their house. Fuck. They can still get oxygen with my pecker plum in their door

in the birdhouse baby that's where I want it anyway so that's what I've been thinking about god damn hope you guys enjoyed that I'm excited to see like I would

I'd be curious okay I mean that's seems like the funnest genre just because it's I did some pop punk I did some sad like solo like acoustic indie stuff

and it was funny but for whatever reason the country stuff was just the funniest I did some pop punk. I did some sad solo acoustic indie stuff. And it was funny. But for whatever reason, the country stuff was just the funniest. But yeah, you can type that all in and change it in a fucking matter of seconds. And it writes in a whole goddamn song. So that's what I've been thinking about. Hope you guys laughed as hard as we did. Man, I was cry laughing.

Fucking making that shit. What's funny is when you do a song yourself and it's like this or any sort of a you've been joking about something and then you sit down and you really and then you're like oh fuck it's fine i can see it coming together so even though like it was produced by you know a robot robot with the help of you. It's still cool just to hear something that's like, I wonder what that could sound like. And then to be able to just like, there it is.

Like a song about fucking a birdhouse. It gave me the country chorus I wanted. Which is what I loved. That... Like, that's what I wanted. And finally one gave it. it and i was like this is fucking perfect dude so can you uh we can move on but once you let's say you got the sound of the howie singing it and you say you not that i know do you change it but will it keep the lyrics it'll keep the lyrics but it randomizes it so

at least at this moment you can't be like i love this one but let's redo the same sound but maybe a different tempo yeah uh at least the program i was using doesn't have that yet you have to just completely randomize it and hope for the best and god damn so many were so terrible yeah like not funny at all just read it in the wrong way i want to hear those yeah no they're awful i delete them but they're like like it's just it tries and you're like what the fuck is this uh but that's how you're getting mad at it you stupid fucking ai yeah can't you write a song you worthless based off nothing but words yeah stupid fucking nerd comes up with the the mixing and all that and

the harmonies and yeah i wonder if the ai is gonna hold us against us in the future like you guys used me for the stupidest shit yeah i bet yeah when they have us in cages yep and like make me a song monkey all right let's move off to some dick. Hey, Zach! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick. Okay, Brian, show me your dick.

The money? No, dick. Oh, okay. Drunk monkey goes on rampage fueled by jealousy over owner's new husband. What? If that doesn't prove that we're related to monkeys, I don't know what it is. That sounds like a song right there too. Sad monkey.

Drunk monkey goes on rampage fueled by jealousy over owner's new husband. I was thinking. My dick in a birdhouse. Alright, a scorned drunk monkey reportedly went on

a wild revenge spree and bit five people after becoming jealous of his owner's partner. That's nice. Garrick, a monkey from the village of Maliki Kosmomolsk on Amur, Russia.

I'm just going to say Russia. Escaped from his owner, Anna, on Friday. Those names in front of, from his owner, George. Yeah. Maliki Kosomagon on Amur, Russia. From the owner, Jeff. Anna and George. Bob.

After her husband let him out of his cage, Russian outlet Knife Media reported. Knife Media? What? The monkey reportedly grabbed an open bottle of whiskey. I just pictured dragging it out of there. Like, I'm going to take my whiskey and get the fuck out of here. You have let me down so much.

Okay. Grabbed an open bottle of whiskey which he sipped from and then ran outside and started his wild rampage. The escaped monkey sunk his teeth into five people Including a pregnant woman and a local journalist who was bit on the lip and had stitches According to the local telegram channel a mermash. Oh my goodness. I think there's a see that You play a little video of this monkey.

If this monkey's not drinking, I'm going to be pissed. That monkey just looks drunk. That's the monkey? Is this the lady that got bit on the lip? By trying to film? It's the journalist. That was it? That's fucking stupid sick video

wow cool you should have watched that first uh fontanka a russian news channel reported that garrick woke up uh worked up an appetite and picked up picked up tulips to eat to bugs enjoyed an apple and even polished off a few cookies. The drunken monkey was so strong that three men had to restrain him after he was lured in with sugar cookies. God. Gary! God, this sounds like a fucking bachelor party. Yeah.

Shocking footage shows a man catching the monkey in what looks like a net after a failed attempt to catch him off a roof. All of Garak's victims... I love that. All of his victims... like a serial fucking... It's a rampage. Yeah.

Remember that video game Rampage? Do I? It was a giant King Kong gorilla monkey thing. Grabbing people, eating them to get their health back? Yeah. Then you touch the TV and get electrocuted. Yeah. All of Garak's victims have since received rabies injections.

He is now at the Python Zoo Center, where he will stay since his owner can no longer control him. He's now at the Python Zoo Center, where he's been painted like a panda. Garrick's bad behavior reportedly started two years ago when his owner, Anna, got married. He became jealous and exhibited aggressive behavior. When the monkey was examined, vets did not find any diseases. However, they report a strong stench of alcohol. Knife Media said.

Look at that picture. Look at that dad bod. He's having a midlife crisis. He's like, I'm not the monkey I used to be. I fucking got a new husband. Of course you'd move

on look at me take a bad week to stop smoking and he's just like shaking his belly look at you garrick you've let everyone down let yourself down including yourself what is happening here i um it's frozen it is crazy the correlation Between a drunk monkey and a drunk human Yeah because we're primates Alright Yes Oh sorry

Fuck my joke Set it up again No If you ever had a drunk friend That you have to lure in with the dumbest shit? Whether it's like Taco Bell. Yeah, we're going to go to Taco Bell. Oh, shit.

Yeah, but like before that, he was fucking ripping his clothes off. He was sawing down a tree. Peeing in something. Yeah, he has like a saw. You don't know how he got it. He's like, I fucking hate oak. And he's like, yeah, like in a public park. And you're like come on joe

come on we're getting taco bell and he like stops immediately and looks at you with his shirt gone his pants are half ripped off he's like a shoe can i get a number two you're like of course this time can i get a number two number two with hot sauce and you guys will let me have an extra taco yes joe Joe. And he's like, okay. And he just leaves the saw in the tree trunk. And he's like, oh, come. Like, everyone's had that story. Like, you default back to the most basic of shit. Primal.

To lure in. Like, I heard there's going to be girls there. Okay. Okay, I'll stop building this pipe bomb. I'm funny. I'll stop putting this pipe bomb in the sewer drain. I'll stop putting this pipe bomb in the sewer drain. I'll go lay some pipe in the party. In that fucking bomb, tin bomb.

I remember getting a call from a buddy of mine one time in college. He's like, I need you to come pick me up. And we're like, no. Well, where are you? Click. And, well, this guy, he was known to do some crazy shit. We're like, where are you? He's like, oh, I'm down at the gas station, which everyone knew which gas station we were talking about there in Cheney.

Oh, what's the name of it? Well, there was the Taj in Cheney. Then down on the other end, I don't know, we just call it Jihad's because there was... Yeah, what was the name of it? I don't remember. I know. Remember, this was 2003, 2004. We're like, oh, I'm just going to run down to Jihad's and get a six-pack of Coors Light.

Because we'd walk in there and the guy would be like, what the fuck is up, man? You're getting fucked up tonight, huh? And we'd go back there and look at the porn selection. He'd be like, oh, yeah. Dude, and I'm not going to hide. I'm not making fun of you. There were things before Facebook, just not understanding the world and what was going on. When Facebook introduced the hide your past option, do you remember that? It came out, it was probably 2010, 2011.

Where it was like, are you down with hiding everything you've ever said before on all the walls and you're like yes but then like it still like showed you things that you wrote and i would read some of them and just be like what the fuck was i doing like just the like like you're talking to your friend like you're talking to him in a room yeah right but you're like everyone can see it putting on the internet like just the dumbest shit he's like hey what's going on you come over here and fucking sucking this dick tonight you gay you gay you gay idiot and like it's like nothing that has any belief whatsoever like fuck you bring that gay shirt nerd and. And then Facebook is like, hey, I don't think you want that out there.

And you're like, I don't. You're right, I don't. Because 10 years afterwards, you're not even the same person. So I get that. But I remember that gas station having like a, I decided to go do like a remote for radio out there. Well, there was a couple.

The one that comes. And it wasn't, it wasn't Jihad. No. Well, it was just like a shell station is all it was. The one that comes... And it wasn't... It wasn't jihad. No. Well, it was just like a shell station is all it was. The one that I'm talking about. Then there was the Taj on the other end of town.

Yeah, there's a Taj down the street. Anyway, so, yeah, it was one of those stupid... The guy was Indian, so he wasn't... It was just like... It was a stupid...

It was a stupid college kid thing. Like, oh, he was... He's from the middle east and he wasn't even from the middle east he was from asia and he was born and raised in spokane yeah yeah but it was just something he's stupid he was like oh he run over to jihad's and get a six-pack of course whatever i forgot what the point where was i going with this monkeys it's gonna be great go ahead oh yeah yeah yeah no it was tight tie that in son of a bitch no it was uh the drunk friend so he was like he called he's like i need you to come pick me up we're like

where where are you he's like oh i'm down at jihad's i'm like that's pretty far down there he's like i just i don't want to have to walk right okay well maybe we'll come get you type of thing and he's like no i need you come me now. I just stole the hot dog 25 cents off sign. And I'm walking back towards the house. We're like, no, we're not coming to get you. You either leave it. You stole a hot dog that was on sale. Either leave it or carry it here.

You either pay full price for a hot dog and get a ride. Or if you fucking steal a hot dog that's on sale We're not fucking getting you It was like probably 3 o'clock 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning But it was one of those big vinyl signs That had like The zip tie

So he had to find a way To get all that stuff off And then it was huge so he's dragging it Down the sidewalk and we're like Nah we're not gonna huge, so he's dragging it down the sidewalk. And we're like, no, we're not going to come get you. So he walks it all the way to the house. And then we had, for the next year, we just had it up against the wall.

Just like, hot dogs, 25 cents off, or whatever the fuck the sign said. Really lit up the orgies. Yeah. But that was that guy. This is the kind of shit he did. He's like, this is kind of the shit he did. He's like, come get me.

Zach, drunk friend story. Luring somebody in with some dumb shit. Do you have one? Taco Bell is definitely one of them. God, isn't food,

I mean, food is the staple. Zips. It would have been Zips for us. Yeah, Zips here. Zips also, yeah. How far does Zips go? Is Zips all just

just Northwest or how far does it go? I think it's just Washington, isn't it? No, I don't, Idaho has some. I does it go? I think it's just Washington, isn't it? No, Idaho has some. I think even further. I think if they go further, like into Montana, maybe even the Dakotas. Really?

Yeah. I mean, I don't know for sure. I'm not fucking road trip chasing down a Papa Joe's. What's crazy is there are more Zips than there are Arctic Circles now. That's crazy. That's not crazy. Yeah, it is. Arctic Cir zips. It's crazy. So there are more zips than there are Arctic circles now. That's crazy. That's not crazy. Yeah, it is. Arctic circles are fucking awesome.

Yeah. Well, got the right manager at the right time. You know what I mean? Oh, man. What can you do? Those priorities. That is so funny. Like, just picturing this monkey trying to lure him in with sugar cookies.

That would be awesome. He'd be like, can you please stop biting the pregnant lady? Do you want a sugar cookie? And you grab him. You're like, you're going to the fucking zoo. No! He realizes he's been had. This monkey was so strong, it took three minutes.

Like, I think these are just the agility of the monkey, not the strength and the biting ability of a monkey. Yeah. They'll fuck you up. They're like, this monkey was so strong. That video, it's like, no, I just lay on it. But it's going to bite the shit out of you. Well, listen to this.

Trying to catch this fucking monkey is why it took three people. Not because of the strength. It wasn't a fucking silverback. I haven't talked about a silverback in a while. A new law responsible for treatment of animals entered into force uh into into force and jesus christ 20 that prohibits 33 species of animals from being kept as pets finish the first part uh it was too hard a new law for responsible treatment of animals entered into force in 2020 see it doesn't make any sense in the force in the place that prohibits 33 species of animal from being kept as pets

according to the new uh outlawed whatever. The Russian outlet added that any wild pet purchased up until 2020 was allowed to be kept domestically. It is not the first time a monkey wreaked havoc on Russian residents. In July 2022, a monkey attacked a two-year-old Ukrainian refugee in the village of Teperigorivo when she was playing in a swimming pool with friends. Can you imagine that? Just this fucking monkey comes out of nowhere. And then early on, on Can You Don't, we read that story about monkeys that were throwing dogs and pets off of roofs

to kill them because they were fucking pissed about not getting enough food. Like, they know what they're doing. And that's, if I go to a zoo relating to that was last week's episode i think that's the saddest animal to see trapped in a fucking container because they got bigger and better things on their mind they have hopes and dreams yeah yeah i mean it's basically like caging some kind of in in a way like a human yeah and they're just like i mean they're not quite there but it's like i mean caging a toddler like they're they're like i don't this isn't this is not what i want this sucks yeah this sucks yeah like other animals probably don't think this sucks they're

just like yeah they're laying there they get laying in the shade they get meals they're fine but monkeys are like get me the fuck out of here, dude. This sucks. I got shit to do. That's why they're always yelling. Whenever you go to a zoo, you always hear like, ah, ah, ah! And they're not ever saying like, thank you so much for the fake ropes! They're like, get me the fuck out of here!

I got shit to do! And you're like, I don't understand. I got people to bite! Yeah, that similarity between drunk monkey, drunk human is pretty funny. Well, they caught him. And I hope he has fun in the zoo. Yeah. You know what I mean?

Oh, wait. Sorry. Go ahead. Really quick. In January, Charlie escaped from the Rathrum Monkey Sanctuary in County. His owner urged hunters not to shoot him as he was looking for love. His owner reported. Yeah, because you abandoned him as he was looking for love. His owner reported. Yeah, because you abandoned him with your fucking husband.

Yeah. So he just looking somewhere to put his wiener. He's like, moving on. Moving on. You don't love me. How many times has a drunk human done something stupid? All the time. They go beat up the boyfriend or whatever. Or they call late at night.

Ah! Come back and you go to their work and throw make a scene at their work i know no other animals doing that no i'm making scene no at your work that's your work imagine like a manatee rolling up to your work being like dude i thought you loved me i get it all right so you have a Tesla. I do. Have you ever done this? Okay, so this story. Headline reads,

Fingered it for three hours. Korean man spotted having sex with a pink Tesla. I love how they take the eye out of fingered to censor it. Just say fingered. AI generated nonsense. In a disturbing incident.

It's not that disturbing. He's fingering a car. Come on. He's not getting bit by a monkey. That's just the next step. That's the gateway. That's the gateway. In a disturbing incident that has left many people shocked, a man was caught engaging in inappropriate behavior with someone's pink Tesla car.

It does look sexy. Why is it parked on carpet? Well, it doesn't put any emissions out or leak. Yeah, but can you talk about who would have just white carpet in their garage? Someone who doesn't have a car that leaks? Someone who loves cleaning carpet? So the incident took place back on May 18th at a Hyundai department store in Luzon? Is that a country?

Elson? It's like Spanish. Yeah, I don't know what that is. I'm going to look it up. According to the victim's husband, the victim's husband, his wife witnessed the man kissing and touching the car for three hours before fleeing when she approached to get into the vehicle. Oh my god.

Yeah, there's some video, but we're not gonna watch it. Who needs to watch a guy finger a Tesla? What do you mean? Who needs to watch that? I mean, we get to watch that. I know what I'm saying. I guess what I'm saying is I can't come right now. I'll save it for later. Following the bizarre incident, the couple attempted to report it to the police, but

they found that, unfortunately, there was no specific charge that could be applied to the weird situation. Feeling hopeless, the husband decided to share the story at the Navarre cafe site back on May 18th. The site is considered Korea's largest Tesla community. Like, what? What do you do? Like, seriously, what do you do?

If you you're watching somebody or find out someone's fingering and kissing your fucking car. I know what I would do. What? Come? So, no, I can talk. I can use... Do the fart noise outside of it? Well, I could.

I can also use the megaphone feature where I could say... I would... Probably what I would start doing is going like, oh yeah, do it faster. And it would be like, oh yeah, do it faster, because it would use like, oh yeah, do it faster. Cause he'd use that voice. So I'd start egging the guy on like saying that he actually likes it.

Cause then maybe that would scare him off or make him go harder. So you would participate. Okay. I would participate until it got too weird. I think maybe, I mean, think about like, how do you charge batteries? It's a magnet moving back and forth with an electromagnetic current. So maybe you put that in the gas tank or whatever. And if you finger it or fuck it fast enough, then it'll actually charge your car.

Well, there's no gas tank in a Tesla. Oh, yeah. Maybe there's just a pocket pussy. There's a little pocket pussy on the side. And if you want to fuck my car, at least charge my battery yeah yeah yeah the friction what a funny bumper sticker that'd be it's long if you're gonna fuck my car at least charge my battery yeah i like it no this is funny so they told police right and this line is oh man if you like if you're thinking you're like oh man we're like we're so far behind any sort of times here in the united states the police guy in korea said he asked the couple if they would consider taking

off the pink wrapping around the tesla in case it helps prevent mechanophiliacs from ever doing something similar to this car in the future it's a paraphilia uh like he's sexually attracted like he he's looking at the car and like in the back of his brain he's like i don't know man you catch me at the right time right day i'd fuck it yeah i'd finger your fucking tesla i love how he'd be like you know what i can't be around this car and the tempting is too what was he fingering so when i first saw that or or like heard that, I pictured a car with an exhaust. But then I was thinking, well, they don't have exhaust. They don't have it.

So yeah, what was he fingering? What were you fingering? Does it say? No, I mean, it has this picture. Go ahead, Zach. So I mean, he was rubbing it. Yeah, he's probably just going. He's fucking the car.

He's probably just rubbing it along the. God. I mean, I wouldn't mind a Tesla, but... How come the car's white? Is that another car that he was fucking? I don't know. Just the next thing? Oh, that's a white Audi.

He's fucking an Audi, too. Better than fucking an Iny, I guess. Hey, boo! Oh, yeah! Oh, you did that the exact same time? Oh, yeah! That was impressive. How would you deal with something like that?

There's nothing to do. Like I said, I would play along and just see where it goes. I mean, if you scratch your car, that's pretty fucked up. Like he has a Prince Albert? Yeah. Yeah, that's a fucking lawsuit. Yeah. If he just has a fucking lawsuit. Yeah. If he just has a fucking gummy worm that he's just rubbing around.

I mean, I hope he wouldn't pull his penis out. I hope he would just leave it in his pants and, like, dry hump. Yeah. As long as he didn't get on the hood and dent it or something. We need more details. Well, he's trying to give you more details. On your car. Right. more details on your car. Right.

He's detailing your car. Like, if he fucking paints a sick picture with his fucking Prince Albert dick, like, that's his art form. Like, he carves, like, scratches this beautiful mural into your car with his dick. He's banksy have you seen the girl that takes the um it's like a sander but like a grinder and she'll go on the car and she'll do like calligraphy oh with the grinder and it's gorgeous writing on it like it shows up with the with the paint yeah it cuts through the paint and leaves this nice writing on it it's pretty cool and she's like signs her name too yeah yeah i haven't seen it. I have not seen that.

So, I mean, I don't think it's going to be anything that cool. Yeah. I feel like there's no direction to it. It's just kind of scratches. I feel like the artistic gap between fingering a Tesla and doing cool calligraphy is pretty wide. Yeah. It's pretty good.

It doesn't seem that far apart, but... It's gaping. If you're sneaking around fingering pink Teslas and then also doing something like worthy of notice, I mean, sure, we're all on the creative spectrum.

Yeah. Right? Right. Like the brain... What is art? I mean, really. What is art? Who decides what's art?

Is art fingering a Tesla on a doorbell? It could be. On a ring camera? Because I saw a video of a girl at an art exhibit she was like this she had her legs spread out and just bush and she was just rotating on a chair and people were walking by and she's just looking at her vag and that was an art installation so this guy fucking a tesla doesn't seem that far off what if that was like you go to

the someone's got suits well yeah so someone's got like oh you're gonna come to my art show tonight and you go to the place it's all it's in like a exhibit and you walk in there and it's just no i put you on the list yeah yeah put you on the list make sure to get there early and then you get there and there's like it's roped off and people walk around looking all the art. There's some stuff on the wall and you look over and there's some guy. It's your best friend fingering a Tesla. Yeah. However you do that, just fucking like licking the handles, popping it out, deep throat in the handle.

And you're like, are we still friends? Yeah. Like at that point, it's like. What if that was somebody you thought you knew, like everything else. He's watching your kids. You click everywhere else. You have the best... Love the same sports teams.

Everything, the rapport, is that the word? You have the great rapport. Everything is exactly... But he likes to fuck your car. You give the best birthday presents. You bring everything. You help out at every party that you're hosting. You guys go to everything together. Baseball game. He's coaching your kid's baseball team. birthday presents you bring everything you help out at every party that you're hosting you guys

go to everything together baseball game he's coaching your kids baseball team then you go to his art exhibit he's fucking fingering a tesla yeah it's gonna change some shit why should it though because think about this like think about all the people like okay an example. People that I know from school pickup, you know, like just parents I've chatted with, they have no idea that we're sitting here talking about a story about a guy fingering a Tesla. And, you know what I mean? Like, I'm sure if they heard that we were talking about this, they'd be like, Mike, I don't know if I want my kids going over there. I'm like, I'm still the same guy that...

Fingers a Tesla? Yeah, I might finger a Tesla or two, but I'm still the same guy that you talk to yes yeah yeah i might finger a tesla too but i'm still the same guy that's like coaching your kids baseball he's like tesla too how much money do you have well enough to finger two teslas yeah my neighbor has one it's a weird coincidence it'd be silent god my fingers are tired my neighbor's like three fingers-way with two Teslas? Oh, my God. Well, speaking of human behavior, should we jump off to lap time? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Zach! I forgot. Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits.

Zach! What are we doing? I got stuff for you about the human brain. And our dumb ideas. Wish I had one. Me too. I'm going to get right into it. I got several of these.

And one of them, I think... Let's see. So, this is like one of the old school ones that everybody kind of knows. The opposites attract. You guys have heard that, I'm sure. Yeah. Like a magnet? Yeah, like well in relationships and whatnot.

That's something that I grew up hearing all the time. Yeah. It's not true. And it's not been true since 1961. Yeah. That's when the polls switched. Yeah. But what happened was we got on dating sites and we realized that people don't get along.

Okay. They're the opposites. Okay. So there's that. So the yin and yang thing in relationships, not so right. I think there's certain aspects of the yin and yang of a relationship that do work. Absolutely. You know what's the craziest thing about this?

It's not pronounced yin. It's yin. And you both have fucked this up. Sorry. Easy. We're not as cultured as you. Not even close. What was the gas station called again oh g-huts um so but i think there's certain aspects like you pick up uh like in a relationship where like i do like you have to have something in common and enough in common not one thing like you know finger a tesla or fucking a birdhouse

dude how rare would that be yeah but like you have to have enough in common but also there has to be some opposites in there too like i i am really good at this and you're good at that and i think there is like certain sections of a relationship where opposites do attract absolutely but the the core foundation is some sort of similarity. It has to be some deep stuff. Like if you have big religious differences and stuff, the studies show in general, you're not going to get along as well. Yeah, that makes sense.

And basically the dating sites show that the more you match up with interests, the more likely you'll have a successful relationship. Yeah. Which is, I guess that makes sense. Everybody's kind of looking for people who will watch the same movies as them and whatnot. Yeah guess that makes sense. Everybody's kind of looking for, you know, people who watch the same movies as them. Yeah, that makes sense. The person, like, there might be, like, same interests, but personalities, I feel like, could be different. Because, like, let's say you have someone, like, for example, my wife's very organized and all this shit, and I'm not.

And so, in certain times, it's like, it's just better that she's organizing. Like, what if I was very organized, but our organization butted heads, and now we're both trying to organize something because we're both type A's or whatever, and it's not working. Whereas someone can just be like, you figure that out, I'll figure this out. That's how I feel with my wife. I mean, it's very yin and yang. Yin and yang.

Yeah. And she has all these strengths that I don't have, and I try with my little lack of strength. Yeah, and you have strengths that she doesn't have. Right. All right, I got another one for you. So a lot of people would say that birth order has a lot to do with stuff, your personality, whatnot. And including being an only child. And, of course, as an only child, it was like, well, let's see what this is.

It's true that if you get along with your siblings well in general, that increases the likelihood of not being a cunt in real life. But generally, our personalities have to do with the roll of the dice. So it actually has nothing to do with birth order. There's no middle child, Marsha, Marsha, Marsha stuff. It might happen, but there's a lot of tests that have been done, and it's disproven that i think i think that's true that's to me that feels like nurture versus nature type of thing where you just it's not just because you're born second doesn't mean you're going to act a certain

way but the way that the household plays out i feel feel like, has something to do with that, right? For sure. The firstborn gets all the love and gets all the – they generally are like the ones – maybe the most well-balanced kid because they've got all the attention, all that. Second one comes around and your focus changes as a parent. So it's not that you were born second that changes your brain. It's how the household is. But it's also your brain coming out of the womb. That's what I was going to say.

So a different personality coming into it. I don't feel like being a middle child myself made me a certain way. Right. I respect all my siblings, and I know them, but I don't feel like oh i got the shaft because of this i think in some ways my brother was like so driven and like successful that it helped me because i decided to use it that way opposed to being like oh he fucking look at him and i and i get shut down it's like no that helped me like it helped me do better for sure yeah the genetic the world of the dice is like a trillion-sided dice so yeah we

don't just come out little mini-me's and yeah so yeah picking that out with that many factors is crazy but that is a good point yeah i feel please go ahead i was gonna say i feel like um but don't you feel like so sometimes the first like i don't, the second one comes along and they're more, I don't know. It's different because I'm more creative than my sister. So that doesn't really work out. But whereas like the second one can be kind of a little more, I don't know the word I'm trying to find out. Like you're doing a little bit more on your. Exploratory.

Yeah, because you're doing a little bit more on your exploratory or yeah because you're doing a little bit more on your own independent yeah it seemed like i don't know it seems like what all these studies have shown is that we're all just so different than when we make these generalizations they're generally kind of true but according to this it's this one particularly is not true it reminds me of like looking at like astrological signs very much so you can make it you can make it fit if that's what you want yep if you want a reason yeah but like i i mean i don't i don't do that and i was middle child my i have strengths my or i have different or a different personality than my brother has and then my sisters have and like

that's just like what it is i'm not sure if like being a middle child made me do comedy and find like a different look and stuff i don't know uh but i'm also positive that there's people that are the baby in the family the third child the fourth child whatever it is the bottom that is funny too like they're the funny one so you can't just be like oh just because you're this you're this uh because it's it's a personality thing and there's middle childs that are completely washed and have nothing they have nothing and they live in the shadow and i think it's more like it's just based on your personality and how you're raised and so many factors about like all these pivotal points in your life that you took one way or the other there's no way of being like yeah just because this is this that's the way it's going to be that's the thing is life is so complicated but we want to make it

easier yeah for sure here's another one that i've i didn't know i mean i guess i kind of knew this but this is interesting left-brained and right-brained we've heard that that some people are left-brained some are right-brained. We've heard that, that some people are left-brained, some are right-brained. The right and left hemispheres do specialize in different mental functions, but you do not have dominant brain hemispheres. So a smart brain guy said, language is distributed, for example, across the hemispheres. At least in right-handed people, the left hemisphere is typically better at using grammar when producing and understanding language, whereas the right hemisphere is better at parsing tone of voice to understand intent so it's complicated as fuck perception also involves both sides of the brain and then again there's such a wide variation of

brains that no that shit's true so when somebody says i'm a left more left brain it's like well you're not though yeah like left-handed people are more creative. Not true. That's what they said, yeah. Yeah. All right, here's another one. This one was interesting. Venting anger is better than holding it in. We all hear that. You got to vent it.

Studies show the exact opposite. And I looked into this quite a bit, and it may give you temporary relief to vent, and it makes great art, obviously. But that does not address the core problem of your anger, and it also reinforces negative emotion. Serenity now. Serenity now! And fucks up everything around you. Yep. Yeah.

Yeah. But even venting it, like, in a positive way doesn't seem to help. Because, again, you're not, this is coming from psychologists, you're not addressing the thing that's causing the problem. So you're just making a pretty painting. Is that the same as crying? I don't think so. That's not violent. No.

But venting, I mean, you can kind of look at it any way. Oh, well, venting, I guess I didn't think violence. I just thought, like, someone was like, No, I think Zach said, like, venting and violence, like acting out because of your emotions. Did you say violence? I didn't say violence, but anger, it is more negative emotions and whatnot. Oh, but anger. It is negative emotions.

What not? Yeah, it really is. Like just because you have the ability to internalize it does not mean that it's going to come out later. Right. It kind of comes in the same thing. Like, like bottling things up. Like people have always said that.

And it feels like this fits right now. It's like, no, I'm like certain people don't bottle things up. They just't fucking yell at you right they don't they don't throw shit they don't do stuff like it's not bottling it up it's because maybe they're realizing that lashing out is not going to solve a goddamn thing or make anything better it doesn't mean you hold on to it forever it doesn't mean like it's all just going to like, I'm going to burn a house down or fucking kill somebody because I'm bottling it up. It's like, no, I just don't do it.

I think some people are better at letting things roll. Just roll with it. You know, like I go, I go in like phases. Sometimes I feel like I don't like, I don't, I want to scream at the guy that won't get out of the fucking way in the car. But also realizing what's the point. But then, yeah, but I'm like, well, who knows what the guy's doing. So then I start feeling guilty for wanting to run the guy off the road. And I have these multiple thoughts going on simultaneously.

And ultimately, who cares? Yeah. That's where I default to. If I believe it cares, then I will do something. But in that moment, it's like me doing or reacting or getting mad or whatever. If it's not going to help anything,

then why the fuck would I do it? But what if you, so like, I don't know how you are, Zach. Let's say this person's in front of you. I'm a serial killer. Say like you're driving the road

and this person won't get out of your way, whatever the deal is. And you're fucking angry, and you're like, no, just chill out. It's not that big a deal. And then you pull up next to them, and let's say they're two different people. One of them, it's like an old person that doesn't know quite what they're doing. And then you feel a little bit bad for getting angry. But then you pull up, and it's like, let's say it's a teenager on a cell phone your reaction to the same thing happening in front of you completely changes based on who's doing the the act and the way your brain will will let someone

have a pass versus so there's there's something bottled up inside of you maybe you're angry pissed off at the younger generation already so when you see someone on a cell phone you're like you fucking kid just get off the cell phone you know like you're so you're pre thoughts are like yeah you're projecting your anger towards whatever but both causes you're gonna get at the place at the same time it's amazing how angry we get on in the cars oh yeah i'd love to look into the psychology of that. Everybody's fucking it up. But, you know, what's funny about that is that, like, if you would have, maybe if you would have been better at getting out of the door sooner, you wouldn't be freaking out and you wouldn't be late. So, like, you're mad at the people on the road, but you should really be mad at yourself for not using your time wisely enough to get out of the house on time. And I

deal with that kind of shit all the time. We're trying to get the kids to school and these people won't get out of the fucking way. Well, maybe you should have got up ten minutes earlier. It's on you, buddy. Personal responsibility. Personal responsibility. Back to Zach. Let's see. I've got a few more left for you guys. This one is kind of one

you can tell your kids. When you're taking multiple choice exams, most test takers believe it's best to stick to your initial response instead of second guessing yourself. But all the studies show that you should change, it's likely you'll change it to the right answer. I didn't know that. So don't tell them against your gut. Is that what you're saying? It really does say that. Demonstrate strategy is false and often leads to lower test scores. In fact, in taking a multiple choice exam, someone who changes their answer is more likely to change their answer from an incorrect answer to a correct answer. Oh, wow. Fucking weird, right?

All right. I got a couple shorties for you. You can tell me if you're ready to move on. This one's interesting. An average individual's mind wanders about 30% of the time. I checked that on a few places. I don't know if that's i didn't even think i would go higher yeah my brain's way higher than that yeah i know that feels like it yeah that's fine

i'm aware of it yeah it takes about 66 days for an average individual to make something a daily habit found that quite a few places like a lot does that sound right to you guys i thought it was 20 or something like 21 i don't know maybe to break a habit yeah no like a habit habit yeah that fits i i think that's true whether it's like going to the gym working out uh like stopping drinking stopping whatever like i don't think it's as short as you think like you get like this um i do it in a couple days like coming yeah but coming from my i don't know what i've been through uh like you get this weird phase which i guess they call it like a like a purple haze like this happy bubble where you are pumped about like stopping or starting something. And then when the buzz wears off, then you're like, oh, shit, this is me. This is me not doing it.

It's not about the success of starting or stopping, whatever it is. Eventually, that high, that euphoria of doing the thing and being proud of yourself wears off. And then now that's the grind. And I never found that being weeks. I found that being months in where it really starts hitting you it's like oh shit okay okay it seems like a useful number you can at least kind of give yourself a plan like it's going to take me a couple months to get into the gym mode to where it's natural and automatic and whatnot so it's what's funny about that is like for whatever reason, I'd say I'm not working out, not eating right, whatever. If I decide one day I'm going to go for a run and then I do it the next day, I'm now in it.

It doesn't take... Yeah, but you have to do that for a long time. I know, but it's like... You're right. Yeah. You can do it immediately, but then eventually that haze wears off. So that's where I'm thinking like it's months. Well, you got to start seeing results.

As soon as you start seeing actual results, then you're like, now you're all in. Yeah. I mean, I guess just speaking from my experience, like kind of, but it's also like it's a mental challenge. Like once you get over that buzz of being like, I did it, I'm doing it, I'm looking, I'm great. This is what I want to be, what I want to do. Like you have to keep doing it. And that's where that, that grind comes in. So 66 days sounds about right.

I was like really sticking to something and not just getting on a kick and being like, oh shit. Like, oh yeah, I'm doing this tomorrow. And that is the average. So some people will the average so some people will be quicker and some people will take longer yeah i guess i didn't really think about it in the term until you said that right there and now that sort of makes sense yeah like immediately yeah of course i could do it i could do it for weeks but like you have to keep and the buzz wears off no matter how good you're feeling and then that buzz stops and you're like fuck i have to keep doing this i know a guy that he he's

got a million ideas and he keeps he's like i'm going all in on this and then three or four days go by and didn't get the results and he's like i'm gonna do this other thing never mind it's like dude you didn't give yourself enough time to to even get started and that's because i think that we live in a society of instant results and no big time if you don't get them it's a whatever you're doing is like nah fucking sucks well maybe it didn't know you just didn't get time yeah you just didn't give it a chance persistence and patience guys come on right now all right a couple more i pupil rises 45 when an individual looks at someone that they deeply care for or love. I thought that was interesting.

How big does it get on Molly? No idea. I wish I had those numbers. 130%? Maybe it's only 30% if you just want to thug. Yeah, nice. Okay, I got a couple. This one's crazy to me.

I looked this up to verify it. It was difficult to verify verify but quite a few people are saying this during the seven minutes of neural activity before dying you will see memories in a dreamlike pattern so you will see your life flash before your eyes okay in seven minutes and i thought that was very strange and i've got one more is that is seven minutes an average or is that like that that's what it's basically what it is? How do you find that average? That one seems shovelcocked to me because it's too, and how do you know?

How do you measure? Yeah. All right, so this is the last one, and this is something that we can test at home, so it's like a little homework. If you sob out of happiness, the first tear will come from the right eye, but if you cry out of sorrow, it will come from the left. Yeah, what yeah that sounds shovel cock too but i found it in quite a few places that was the first one if you sob out of happiness the first tear will come from the right eye but if you cry out of sorrow it will come from the left eye that'll be a tough one to catch if you're you know caught in a moment but something to test your own little scientific experiment well i'm sure i'm not far out from a fucking family member dying so i'll measure that the next time yeah so i i'm trying to visualize

like crying for happiness like what that looks like like uh you see someone you haven't seen in a long time or figured tesla yeah you're like oh my god it feels so good um i'm trying like i don't cry a lot and when I do cry it's out of sorrow like losing a family member or something and like that deep sadness so I don't know like what do you what do you cry for in happiness

kids doing something cool yeah being really proud of somebody saying really nice things to you kids doing something cool being proud of somebody because I kids doing really nice things yeah kids doing something cool being proud of somebody because i've i mean i've done it with kids like i remember i was cleaning up the basement one time and there was a song playing and whatever the for whatever reason the song playing at the time and then seeing like kids toys and then i started picture my kids growing up and moving out um and that's so but there was that's like a happiness, but also like, oh, it's going to suck. Like they're going to move away one day.

So is that a happy cry or is that a sorrow cry? It's kind of sorrowful. Yeah. Yeah. That's, I mean, it's a mixed bag. Yeah. That's a mixed bag. Is it coming out of both eyes at the same time?

You got to test the science. Exactly the same time. Do the science, bro. Well, I'm still going through my shit so i will let you guys know thank you yeah i'll measure can you cry on demand right now uh i could if i started thinking about some stuff you started thinking yeah yeah let's not do that i didn't i don't know how you didn't last week because because i've been crying the whole fucking week before yeah i made a conscious choice to not just push it aside. That's hard.

I'm sick of fucking crying. Yeah. I remember I was at a, I had to do a shoot for a thing one time. I was working with a company and we sat down and did an interview. No. It was actually. He's doing a photo shoot for Arctic Circle. I wish.

The polar bear. Dude, that'd be fucking awesome. It's fucking you with fucking fry sauce love your tits yeah yeah fuck yeah dude no i was uh it was at this conference thing and it was for like suave men one of the i don't know one of the soap companies uh and um so we had to we had to do this interview and it's like what do you there, uh, something about your kids, like a moment about your kids. And I was like, ah, cause I used to just look, my content is like making fun of parenting and making fun of kids.

But I started talking serious. I was like, you know, it was like, it's nothing, there's nothing better when you, you're at home and you kids get off school and they can run it out or whatever. And I started talking, I was like, and I was like, whoa, what's happening? And then I try to keep talking about, oh, I was like and i was like whoa what's happening and then i try to keep talking about oh i was like i'm sorry and they're like no just keep talking i'm like yeah but i wasn't anticipating on crying during this so i don't know what to do i don't know i didn't know what to do i was like i'm gonna go ahead and don't yeah you just went so i know i had to keep stopping then keep trying and they're like no it's fine.

Like, this is just your emotion. I'm like, yeah, but it feels weird crying on camera. Because I always see interviews of someone crying. I'm like, oh, fuck, stop crying, little bitch. Suck it up. You're a nerd. Yeah, and then I'm doing it. I'm like, ew.

And then I was like apologizing to the crew. And they're like, we see this shit all the time. And you forget that that's just what happens. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. Awesome. So, I'm rambling about stupid shit. Well well that's all i got for you guys that was good zach thank you my pleasure it was fun looking i love i love those facts it's weird stuff yeah no it really is that's good i'm gonna keep my eyes open for your eyes opening 45 when i walk in the door just to see

for sure if i'm crying no if you're uh if you love me i love emotions versus stats type of thing where you see how open my eyes are when i'm orgasming bukkake boozacking yeah uh what were you gonna say i don't remember what was i saying i don't know oh i know it's crazy i i because i i love like talking about like when because when people are they're just positive something is the way it is and like well no you can show that it's not that way so it's we have these misconceptions about things or just sayings that people say to make you feel better whatever and it's like well no that's not the case at all oh yeah like someone's watching you know like i remember when my dad i I was at, for my birthday party, one of my family members was like, I was like, I just wish he was here for my

birthday. He's like, well, he, no, he is here. And I was just like, I didn't know what to say. Cause what I want to say is like, that's fucking stupid. Like, you know, what is here? Pizza. Yeah. Let me go get a picture in front of this camera crying.

It was that same day. Yeah. A lot of emotions. But I was like, that doesn't help me. You know, like I'm, I know you think emotions but i was like that doesn't help me you know like i'm i know you think that probably helps but it doesn't help it just makes me annoyed zach one thing that i found when i was looking in this was that sex addiction is actually way less common than what is perceived and then yeah because people just say they have sex addiction right and a lot of the people yeah but they're anxious a lot of people use

sex and masturbation as a way to reduce anxiety men and women but i know as a man that's certainly it i just do it because it feels good so it's hard it's difficult dealing with anxiety is what generally it ends up being yeah i get a weird ass world we live in and we believe bullshit absolutely imagine being in a world like being around people where they're like, you can't do that because it's, it's a sin. Right. How, how, like, you're just, you're just not, you're rejecting all this natural things. Like if I, I woke up today and feel like jerking off and you're like, no, I can't. Cause God's watching.

Like that would suck. Like, I want to, I want to come bad. Dude. I can't. You have no idea want to i want to come bad dude i can't you have no idea how hard i want to come like you because i just go into a different room and hide from from god no he's watching all the time there's no escape go to a bank vault all right let's take a look at some uh good news zach so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah real quick i'm just picturing the news story about that and he's like did he steal the money was he doing that no he was just masturbating he's just masturbating he's worried about god watching him yeah so no money's gone all the money's there he actually left a tip is there's more money in there now than there was

he didn't touch anything the only we had to mop yeah he came all over the wall that's it and then afterwards he was so he didn't leave a birdhouse which was weird he did yeah i have no idea why he brought a birdhouse but uh okay so this is this is this is great to me flavor flave is now the new official hype man for U.S. women's water polo team. Mmm. This is why he's doing it. I thought he died. Yeah, I think we all did.

So the U.S. women's water polo team is preparing for the upcoming Olympics games in Paris this summer, and they have an unlikely supporter cheering them on. Earlier this week, Maggie Steffens, the team captain, made a plea on social media to her followers to build up support for the team. There is no greater honor than representing Team USA in the Olympic stage side by side with strong, talented, and driven women who empower you every day. She added, Water polo, women's water polo specifically may not be the best or the most popular support or in everyone's radar.

But with women's sports even more on the rise, I encourage everyone to give these women a try. Got it. I mean, fucking water polo feels like one of those sports that you don't understand how fucking hard it is till you play it or any fucking like like you have to tread water grab ball i feel like i'd be good at it but i also feel like i don't know like synchronized swimming looks excruciating yeah and it's like it's fine it's great like i show me the highlights but like you don't get to stand on the fucking pool floor like you have to kick and move your ass around the entire time. I can throw a ball.

I love throwing ball, scoring goal. I mean, as much as the next guy. I love sitting in my talking show. If this was on land, I would be doing really good. I'd be Olympian. Yes. But just fucking kicking around and throwing stuff, i would be so tired all the time so stephan's post got the attention of one unlikely and clock wearing character who has become the

official hype man for the team god he's 65 now enter flavor flave the 65 year old rapper stepped forward to help the u.s team as it goes for an unprecedented fourth consecutive gold medal for the Paris Olympics this summer. So right there, what Maggie's saying is true. Fourth consecutive. That's 16 fucking years. Killing it. And I had no idea. Okay, but at this point, maybe everyone else just sucks at swimming.

Sure. Maybe they don't play. How many people have the luxury to play water polo? I don't know. Talk about white privilege. As a girl's... So here's Flavor Flav. As a girl dad and supporter of all women's sports, I'm going to personally sponsor you, my girl, whatever you need he said and then he added

that's a flavor flame promise and that's all i needed to fucking read or hear and he's supporting him he's signing up he's gonna fucking talk about him and hype him up and i just think that's so great because i think that like i mean look at us we're sitting in a fucking basement in spokane washington and it's so easy to make fun of flavor flave right because he's such a character and it's like but if you really compare it to all the other characters out there that are doing something that gets attention that's what he's doing it's not like he's always this. There's no fucking way. So he got ragged on. People have made fun of him.

He appears. He does shit. He does stuff. He does flip and flip. And wears a giant clock to make and create attention and make like a controversy. He's found a way to stay relevant for a lot of years. And now he's supporting the usa

olympics water polo women's team the easiest thing he could have done is to support the wnba with all the attention it's getting now oh yeah but even then that would have been nothing i know but that's that's the easy way he could have thrown himself gives himself attention but the fact that he chose such an obscure sport and all that and a women's sport yeah i mean that's right so what i'm getting at is like he like i didn't i know like i know this business i know what's going on and just realize this guy you don't make it to the lever he level he has without knowing what's happening you don't accidentally become flavor of life he knows what the fuck is going and i love that he has decided to pick up on a video he saw online

and turn it into a support for i mean 16 that's fucking crazy 16 fucking years of winning gold and i had no idea and he's like i got it i got it let's go and he's going to use his his connections and his knowledge and his personality and his persona and his success to support a team that like why not like why not and i love that because we've talked about all the time like the number one thing i want to do if i were to make a bunch of money would be to help out people like go to a restaurant give a waiter a fucking couple thousand dollar tip like that's the shit that i love like that's it that's what life is you're just helping out like being like i was able to do it you can do it too but

here's a fucking jumping block here's help and that that's what i want that's what he's doing so that's the good news and i love it do you guys want to watch water polo now i get together watch some water paddle i mean it is impressive it is fun to watch it's just like it's it's just so niche like what do you do with that there's there are i can't compare myself to their ability or their talent like i know what i've swam in pools i've played fucking volleyball in a pool like i know what I've, I've swam in pools. I played fucking volleyball in a pool. Like I know what it's like, but I've never been organized swimming around doing that.

And I think that's the, that's, that's what they struggle with is like, no one can relate to doing that. People can relate to running. People can relate to throwing stuff or like being fast or playing hockey, like skating, like it's an ability that's there so water polo struggles because you're like i don't i i like pools as much as the next guy

but there's no for fun no one no one organizes a fucking water or water polo tournament in my local pool i always appreciate basketball in the pool like i get it yeah yeah basketball wheelchairs i get the idea or i love the idea of someone dedicating their lives to something that's so obscure too that they it's like i i love people i don't care what it is if if someone's really really passionate about something i think we've talked about this before it's an attractive to me it's an attractive trait like i don't care what it is just like something and like it a lot and you know like you better be good at it yeah well just at least like something you know like it shows that you have something going on that that's you know like you like so and then the

more obscure it's like the cooler to me it's like wow you don't then the more obscure, it's like the cooler to me. It's like, wow, you don't care that other people think it's nerdy or whatever. Right. Cause you like it that much. And I think that's a, yeah, a cool trait about people. I do.

So just that you've dedicated your life to water polo. It's hot. Yeah. In a way. Oh, yeah. All right, let's move on. So your plate's not hot.

Well, yeah. Let's move on to something you found on the internet. Zach! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right?

Let's check it out. Together. As a couple. couple hey look what i found yes so i don't know if this is real when i watch it it seems like a funny little guy giving yeah you know like a spoof commercial for a fake product or something okay but then i did a quick google search and it seems like it's a real thing in japan love it but i don't know so saying like that's like kind of an oxymoron a real thing in japan yeah because everything's so robot and weird wild um anyway i'm just uh this was sent in by our son richard thanks dick um I'll just play the video.

A fellow Richard. Yeah, fellow Dick. Here we go. What is it? It's a living wallet. Basically, it urges owners to save money. Why is it not playing the sound? Is your sound?

Tap your sound up. There we go. Hold on. So it's a little wallet with wheels and stuff Oh fuck you God damn it Brian Full screen that shit I tried it wouldn't

Oh jeez What? What? away from compulsive buyers and works in conjunction with a bookkeeping app to manage the owner's budget. When there is a deficit in the owner's budget, save mode is automatically activated. The wallet slinks away once it detects the owner reaching for it and only yells for help when it gets caught. If it doesn't stop the person from continuing spending, the wallet will resort to texting

the owner's mother. When the owner's spending is handled well, the wallet plays resort to texting the owner's mother The wallet plays Beethoven and reads out popular products from Amazon Helping those who have trouble spending their money wisely I Love it like it slinks away So if any for the people that didn't they don't see it It's just it's a it's a wallet that kind of in a V shape with wheels at the bottom. Yeah, it has little wheels on the bottom. Yeah, kind of like a suitcase.

So if you're at the store and you spend too much money, it just starts going, ee-oo, ee-oo, like a little worm. Like, ee-oo, it's scooting away. Can you imagine? Okay, so obviously it's like a funny gift, or a gift. Thinking about buying something and you put your wallet on a stand-up position instead of laying it down on its wheels. You're like, well, I know. And it runs away. It determines whether it's a good decision.

Okay. God, that's funny, man. It reminds me of the, months and months ago now, it was the product that we shared on the show about the shower spikes do you remember that where if your shower got too long the spikes oh yeah yeah yeah they they expanded and started poking you so you get out of the shower like this saving money saving yeah saving money and like like don't take a shower that's too long or the the shower curtain has spikes on it will start jabbing you and make you get out. Can you imagine though?

Like you're on a date, like you're trying to like first date. Like you're also kind of stressed about it. You're like, I don't know, man. I think this is the one. It's gonna be great. And you're sitting there and you're talking to her and you're like, oh no, I got it.

Of course I got it. And your wall's like, squeak, squeak, sque and your wallet's like will you excuse me for a second she thinks you're going to the bathroom like i just gotta go catch my wallet she chased down my wallet not a bank not a bank not a bank not a bank not a bank no bank no money no money also no money also no money text your. There's two wallets on the floor. The guy across from you, like, no money. Also no money. No money. I would love if they were super fast. Yeah.

He's like... Takes off. Jumps off. Does a kickflip off the table. Fucking lands. He's like... He runs off Google Maps. He knows exactly where it's going. Yeah, it runs back to your house. It goes right into a safe deposit.

Your mom's safe deposit box. Yeah. I love that aspect of it. Text your mom. It's like, text your mom. So then she's got to call you. What are you doing? She picks it up.

Hello. Adam's leak. Yeah. Adam's leak. She's too expensive. Won't last. High maintenance. too expensive. Won't last. High maintenance. High maintenance.

Won't last. He just wants the puss. No money. No money. Hi, who is this? I can't understand you. I am running. No money.

Bill's wallet. Not a bomb. Bill's wallet. Not a bomb. No money. Mom? Help. Help. Not a bomb. Bill's wallet. Not a bomb. No money. Mom? Help! Help!

Help! Help! There's a bunch of wallets running around the street. Little lights pop up. Pew, pew, pew. Pew, pew. Tips over. Help!

Help! Can't afford it. Imagine the sound. It's like a nice steak. Just like... Just nice violin music and stuff. You hear that and you're like, help! Help!

Didn't think she'd get the lobster. Help! Help! Endless shrimp! Help! Help! Battery's dying. Help! Help! Help! Help! Alright, let's hear it from one of our kids. batteries dying help help help

alright let's hear it from one of our kids Zach alright let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool alright go ahead I was going to say it's funny because I you know we do this once a week.

And so when we do this, my cheeks always hurt at the end of it because there's just so much laughing and smiling. Your kids aren't funny enough. Your wife's boring. Help. All right. So one email this week. Not the one. Not the one.

Not the one. Find a new one. Help. First email coming in from our kiddo, Jesse, says, hey, dads. this week. Not the one. Not the one. Find a new one. Help! First email coming in from our kiddo Jesse says, hey dads! I fell behind in podcasts the episodes due to my work cracking down on earbuds.

Now I'm able to catch up because they're complaining about other stuff now. Alright, got it. I know your story where the old guys destroy the bathroom. It happened a while ago and some recent episodes remind me to send in my experience.

I took the family out for ice cream and a walk downtown. Nice. Help! Can't afford it. Can't afford it. No ice cream. Didn't get vanilla. Double scoop. No sprinkles. Help.

And I felt the need to shit. So I went to a park bathroom, sat down, dropped a turd. Nice. What was it in your pocket? Yeah. Oops. He's like, this is a good place for my turd. Woo, that stank.

Then the smell kept getting worse. Then I realized that wasn't my stank I realized I wasn't alone As the smell kept getting worse I hear the bathroom door slide open And this old guy taking baby steps Groaning Oh it hurts

Almost there Help And goes to the stall next to me My eyes were burning and watering and I had my shirt over my nose to try and stop the horrendous smell. Did I fucking get it? This guy starts screaming.

You can hear his shit slosh, his shit slosh smack against the toilet. I finish, go to wash my hands. This guy stops screaming. I hear him taking deep breaths. God, what is that? The relief? Not part of the email, but as you get older, peeing next to an old guy, it does like the...

Because they don't think, they're not thinking like, oh, I need to be quiet because... They've given up. Yeah, it's like in the locker room when they're standing there with their nuts out. It's just like, whatever. I get it. So I hear him taking deep breaths. I thought about asking him if he's okay. But before I could say anything, he starts screaming again.

So out the door I went. Had some other bathroom situations I thought were comical. If you want, I can send them in. Keep up the good work. I love listening to you guys. Your shitty son. Dude. I love it. He's like, I have some other stories if you'd like that yep yep send them on in but yeah that is like that's

just a that's just something that happens i don't know what it is i'm not sure if girls go through that too i don't think they do i don't think the painful shits no i'm going to a public restroom like guys just get old and weird. Yeah. They're just like, they pee next to you. And they're, and then they spit in the toilet. Like, dude,

you're not, what is that? Not at home. And they're like, like moan. And you're like, what the fuck is happening? But I doubt that women start peeing and they just go,

Oh my God. Like so loud peeing. Like this just doesn't seem that they would ever do that. It's not their nature. Public bathrooms and – Bathrooms. Public masturbation. Public – God damn it.

You killed it. Public bathrooms. There you go. Are funny to me anyway because any – I mean public, like when you go into a restaurant, you go into a resort, a hotel, it's weird that you're going to someone and you're, you're on your vacation, you're living or whatever you're doing. And there are other people just, they're doing the same thing. You don't know, you'd never met and you don't interact with, you just pretend each other, you pretend that other people aren't there.

It's such a weird thing anyway. So you can go stand up next to someone and women don't experience this because they don't have urinals. They have stalls. Yeah. So there's always a buffer. Like guys will walk up and you'll be, your elbow will be an inch from another dude's elbow that's holding his dick.

And like, that's just normal. That's hot. What about the gym? I remember when I was a member of a gym a long time ago, I'd just walk in there, and there's just this older man with his balls just hanging out with his leg up on the fucking bench. On the bench, yeah. Yeah, just like in the middle, taking court with everyone. And it's like, I don't know, what age does that happen where you're like, I'm just going to flop my floppy balls out and talk to the boys. Dude, we went to the swimming pool in Moses Lake a couple years ago

and took the boys. When you pay for your thing, there's a women's locker room and a men's locker room. Mom went there and I took the boys to the men's. We walked through there and there's just two old dudes standing in the

thing with their towels hanging and they're just standing there arms crosses having a conversation dongs out kids everywhere and my my sons are they're like what you know they're looking like why are those old guys naked i'm like they're just they're just i didn't know how to end like they're just changing you know like trying not to make it weird but it's just how casual someone is to just be standing there knowing that there are just so many people kids, whatever, just walking

by and your dong's out. They must have killed their ego at some point. Yeah, eventually you give up. Or that, yeah. You really just give up. Okay, let's call it. Let's call that fucking show 102. If you want to sign up for our Patreon head over to patreon.com slash canyondopodcast.

Of course, our socials, the video version, send stuff into the show at heyguysatcanyondopodcast.com. Rate and review us. Zach, we didn't talk about it, but we started a little late today because you slept through your alarm. Yeah, it's been a busy week. Because you were up super late working on cards. Cards, cards, cards. Just putting his whole life. It's worth it in the end. Yes, it is.

It always is. Head over and check out everything that's happening in the ScatCast universe at scatcast.com. That is scat with a K. And then thanks to the babysitters that do our Facebook page, the Can You Don't Playground. I got a little fact for you that we're going to move off to the bonus show. Alright, Zach,

do it! Fuck! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? And I truly hope I haven't talked about this on the show because I've talked about it with my kids and other people, but we're going to give it a shot. I couldn't remember where it came from, but

a single cloud can weigh about 550 tons or more and that's about the same as 100 elephants just floating around in the sky I've heard that just think about a thing floating up there it's up there, it's above you

and it weighs 550 tons what the fuck a lot of rain, a lot of water god, science is crazy but it's like how you weigh that because they're floating it's you can't put it on a scale right it's just because the fucking molecules and the amount of precipitation yeah and when they get too condensed then that's where rain comes from it's a fucking nightmare yeah so i hope you stay awake thinking about that and i don't know how other people i'm sure it's this is everywhere it feels like of a regional thing where we live um but i'm sure

there are climates all over the place that do this but we were at a baseball game a couple nights ago and we're sitting in our seats watching our son play uh a mile from where we came from our house pouring rain. I mean like torrential downpour. And then we get over to where the fields are and there's sort of like an edge

of clouds but then there's I mean it's like blinding. I was like I don't need to take glasses because it's cloudy. We sit down to watch the game. The sun is beating in my eyes and the clouds have moved past us, but they're still sprinkling rain. And it's like, what the fuck is this? It's like spring here.

I turn around and it's fall, like fall right before winter going on behind me. Like lightning and fucking downpour. Crazy as shit. It is. And it's happening right behind me And the sun's in my eyes Like fuck I wish I would have brought glasses

Like you're a little too hot I dressed for what I left the house in And now I'm like fucking taking layers off Stupid Average of 550 tons Hanging out above you That's crazy Fucking nuts

100 elephants 2.2 football fields tons hanging out above you. That's crazy. That is. Fucking nuts. 100 elephants. 100 elephants! Whew! 2.2 football fields. Oh! Fuck! Not even close. Fuck! God damn it, Brian. There we go. Alright, bonus stuff.

Say bye. Bye! Zach!