Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Drunk Raccoon. Tow Truck. Weight. Tasty Mutilation.

Episode Date: December 3, 2025

AI has the power to do a lot of good for the planet... but doesn't it feel like we can all agree that implementing AI into kid toys at this stage in its development is a bad idea? Let's talk about that, eating too many stuffed mushrooms while recording, a special moment with your kid turns into a fight, your dead body being towed around town for half a month because humans simple don't care enough about anything, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/v240rgYMWkcSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Drunk Raccoon, Tootruck, wait, tasty mutilation. I mean, I just hope that everyone had a great Thanksgiving. But the time this comes out, we haven't even had a great Thanksgiving. We haven't even had ours yet. No, we have not, but we are recording this episode on Thanksgiving Day. And I just want to let you guys know, I am thankful for you. Mm. Both.

Both. Both. Both. Both. I love you guys. Love you. Samezies. I'm thankful to all the people listening to the show today, too.

You got your wife and kids upstairs. They're upstairs. They're going on a walk. They're watching the Macy's Day parade. Oh, boy. What the hell is going on? I didn't know that. was still a thing. I mentioned my wife as

like, how long before Macy's is going to drop off? Like, how it's going to be something else. It is literally the only thing keeping them around. All they have is that. They get just enough advertising for this parade to get them through the holidays to get them through the year.

And then, just this. There's like, just hold on to the parade. Somewhere, there's a CEO just sweating. Just being like, please. Every year. Keep it alive. Keep it alive. episode 181 and obviously we talk a lot about

AI on the show and it's getting better and better and better and I just wanted to share with you guys I asked AI to write a voiceover to introduce today's episode and I said make it about can you don't

and that's those are the prompts I put in you didn't give it any more but I did tell it to put it in this voice okay here you go welcome to episode 181 of the can you don't podcast, the show that proves rock bottom isn't a place, it's a lifestyle, where the ability to read is optional, even though being able to read is extremely important when there's a microphone

in front of your face, and the show is heavily dependent on being able to read. Today, we're bringing you another round of questionable decisions, unsolicited opinions, and the kind of wisdom you only get after ignoring every red flag on the planet buckle up or don't honestly at this point nothing can save you episode 181 starts now

nice wow yeah it came up with that all on its own but the reading and everything it just used the internet no prompts yeah just the internet interesting there's enough out there that AI is just like says something about not being able to read I feel like that was...

No, I didn't touch it. A heavy... No, I was going to say it, like, they really leaned into the can't read stuff. Well, how would it do that? I don't know. That's crazy. Send in your content suggestions to hey guys at can you know podcast.com. Sign up and support us on Patreon.

Thanks to everyone who has done so. Yeah. At patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. I think, yeah, I think we're like 15 or so away from Zach getting his goddamn camera. Yeah. But yeah, also the bonus content. I feel like we ignore that. We talk about it, but that's a huge part of being a part of the gaggle.

Is that we record, we keep going at the end of every single episode. So at this point, being two and a half years in, like, I'm not a math guy, but it's probably eight billion hours. Probably like eight football fields worth. Dude, it's lengthy. A lengthy yard. Plus the pond. I know, the pond, the live stuff, the discounts. Just head over there.

really think about it. Again, Patreon and give it some thought.com slash can't you know podcast. And then inside of Patreon all eyes. Oh, speaking of for the golden geese.

These are your $100 a month supporters on Patreon. The Golden Goose. I think we forget that that's tier. Yeah. It's happening. It's full. And it's great.

Daniel Spatz. Daniel Kallia. Neil Daphne. Maggie. Stokes George Tassado Matthew

Leonard the sofa King Jordan Holiday Jason Clason Matt Johnstone and everyone who signs up

for that golden goose tier gets a personalized thank you and of course it's the highest honor

you get mentioned in every single episode that we do so I don't know if it gets much higher than that we've thought

about doing some crazy shit inside that Patreon thing but then we also were like it's probably going to happen. And then we have to do it. So, we're working

on that. But again, thank you guys all, everybody for supporting us there on Patreon. Yeah, there's our honkathon there. You see it? So Zach's next. He'll get his camera. We got the camera all picked out, just waiting to reach that tier. The hot air balloon ride. That's the next

one. And then that Patreon exclusive episode is at 500. So it's all on the way. I've got a fucking action-pack Thanksgiving Day recorded show. uh we're doing lap time we are doing lap time Zach what the fuck are we doing stupid shit love it fuck yes I had to keep my kids away from Zach you had to yeah he when he came in he went sat in the couch and he was kind of doing the little he's like hey you want to hear some

stupid shit yeah you're like hey hey hey shp hey hey hey okay luckily we've done a pretty good job of stranger okay yeah they took one look at me and we're like nope nope they sized them up and they're like, nope, that's enough. We can't take that guy together, so fuck that. Us stacked up, like an old comedy movie where a trench coat couldn't use are half the height of Zach, so that's out. One of my favorite gags ever, by the way.

The guy in that... Here to see the movie. So funny. Whoever thought of that? And everyone's like, yep, let's do it. All right, let's get the show rolling. All right. Zach, please. Thanks.

Hey, shut up. Start the show already All right So we ran into this Situation Yeah I feel like it was maybe a month or so ago But there's just like there's certain people out there in the listening audience that We get just a handful of Would You Rather content that they send in and it's all good

It's great And so for this week we decided from our son Shane That we put He's been on a roll lately I know and then you know as you read them I do think about what he's doing in the real world. That makes him think of the shit. And I know it's drugs, but which ones?

What is it? There's a good chance it's drugs, or he used to do drugs, and then now he's clean. Okay? So, like, something's going on. Is mine's thinking clear now? Right. So we put two things in here. We have an A and a B, and then we also, uh, Cami Uncle Zach was nice enough to bring

in a coin for us. us. It is a quarter. What is the year on this fella? I don't know, but we ain't got pennies no mo. Yeah. Oh, this isn't, this is new. It has a picture. Oh, not that new. Is it Trump on it? No, 2014. Is it real? Arches, looks like it's Utah. It's a Utah quarter. It's got a honey beehive on it? One of those. So we have a quarter and we're going to

flip it. You can call it, but we'll go heads is the first option that we put in here in the script. And then tails will be the second option. Okay. Okay. So what do you want to call, hon? Well, I don't, I'm not, it doesn't make sense. I think it should just be whatever it lands on, right? We choose that one.

I don't want to pick. Okay. So, head first, right? You're right. That makes sense. You're not wrong. Here we go. Flipping.

Got it. Okay. Tails. Okay, so the second one. Second option? Do we, I mean, I'm holding it out for a judge. And we don't. Verified.

Like, people care for, like, we lie about it. Yeah, I trust you. You're over there with your, your, uh, your, your, uh, your age, giving with your garb on. Yeah, you're looking sharp. Do I look good? Yeah, you look good. Oh, wow.

I just got this, Cassie bought me. This shirt has magnetic pockets. Once you show him the little secret pocket. Oh, it's not a secret anymore. This is great for audio. Now it's just the pocket. Yeah. It's just the pocket.

It's hidden behind another pocket. Yeah. That's where the, that's where the best hiding spot is is behind the hiding spot. Yeah. All right, here we go. Let's start the show up. Okay. From Shane.

Suck a candy cane to a point and use it to pierce your scrote up. Or take a shit in a gift wrapped box and then give it to your most sensitive family member and say it's for being shitty this year. I'm going that one for sure. Really, though? Yeah. Okay. Because. I got a few family members that deserve that.

Yes. But deserving, and then who you are as a person are a little different, right? I am a huge piece of shit. So you're shit in a box and give it to yourself? It's a gift that keeps on giving. That's fresh, brother. This is for you, you big piece of shit. Is that self-loathing to its finest?

I don't know. At its finest? But that's like an award-winning, like, Sundance music festival, film festival video. He was a regular guy. And it's just shitting in a box and then giving it to yourself. What's in the box? Just like, you are a piece of shit. And the audience is like, yeah, Oscar winner.

I get it. You are a piece of shit. I love it. And then everybody would be like, it's not that he's actually giving himself the box of shit. The shit isn't shit. It's not, it's what it represents. It's all that. It's like, no, dude, I just shit in the box.

It was, it was a would you rather on a podcast. But everyone making it... It's not that deep. You keep deep from a gut. And then the candy cane thing, like, that's self-harm that tastes good, which is fun. Well, do you have to lick your scrotum? Well, you know, whoa. Well, how would it...

Well, you have to suck the candy cane to a point that you can pierce your own scrotum. Yeah. Yeah. So the candy... The candy cane is what I was referencing. That would taste good. Not your ball sack. Oh.

yeah so there's that there's a lot of prep work you had me a shit in in a box honestly Zach's made up he made up his mind yeah hours ago yeah and then I mean send it to your congress person no no no it's a family member so you're thinking it could be anybody we're talking like a family member the people that you love and and they're and the word's going to get out Zach? Good. That would be the last gift exchange of the part of you. Have you talked to,

have you talked to Zach? Like, that's how every conversation starts. Have you talked to Zach recently? Like, no. Last I saw he was doing pretty good, like doing his podcast thing.

He sent me a box of shit. And box, like a box of what? Like, what kind of shit? Like, trinkets or? No, like he literally,

it was his shit. And there was a little tag on it and it said, this is for being shitty this year. And they're like, hmm. So was it like, Coal? Was it represent like a fake Poop? But it was supposed to be like...

It was poop, yeah. Real poop, huh? Yeah. It did have sprinkles on it though. Yeah. Do you think that would keep? What? Like if you shit If you shit into a box Could you keep the texture Or would it harden? What would you have to do to keep it in its? That's a question For Colagard. You need a humidor. Because I don't

want to send this thing off and they get it and it's like a hard turd that It's just like it feels like it's dried up Like you're worried about presentation? Yeah, I want it to be be i want it to feel like like ship in a cupcake yeah cigar humidor then you're good you have one of those uh whatever it is the like the do not eat salt the yeah to make sure your shit exactly the message is clear why are there sprinkles on it if i'm not supposed to eat it i hate you but i want to look good i got yeah it has to feel like it's coming straight like you know you know if someone's like dude, um, when I go home, I, there's this pizza place that I love, you know?

And they're like, well, when you go home, you should send me some so I can try it because I'm probably not going to get up there. If you sent them the pizza, by the time it gets there, they're like, this isn't good pizza. Well, yeah, because it was in the mail for two days. Like, that's the same concept. Right. I want it to be as poop. I get what you're saying. But this is like, if you're trying to send a message. Oh, you're embarrassed if your shit isn't moist? Mm-hmm. This doesn't represent me.

Like some weird new anxiety unlocked? Yeah. They're gonna think I shit like this. I give moist shits. I don't dry poop or I don't poop dry poohs. I don't poop dry shit. I'm dehydrated. My shit is moist and I am successful.

I make lots of money. People love me. People love me and my moist is shit. Just like, what? Okay, so That's a weird stature That's not my concern Yeah

But candy came Piercing Scrotum Doesn't have to be Through the testicle Just like giving yourself A little something down there Nope Like pulling the skin

And going And going through And then if like If it breaks or it's too dull That's a treat Right So you're working on it Kids man

I'm not sure if it's making it through the microphone right now, but right now, I'm not sure if there's a basketball game. It's WrestleMania out there. I know they're not redoing the kitchen. I know they're not redoing the kitchen because we're done. We're all set. So right now what's happening is a basketball game.

Anyway, so the scrotum situation, like once you get into it, I don't think it would be that bad. Like, just through the skin, like, but it's a candy cane. It's not a fucking needle. So you're going to have to really force it. your way through but the whole time you have a snack but it's got to pierce through can't just be like

break skin yeah you pull you pull it and you have to go all the way through then once you get to the inside i feel like yeah just just picture someone doing that though yeah well too i think it's funny to picture both some guy like shitting into a box and like putting on a little tray and like getting a box for it and having it and like thinking about like tying up a bow how dainty that looks to tie. Like when you when you when you when you pack up like a little you make individual cupcake for someone. They're having a shitty year.

I better do this right. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Just the attention of detail. I want to make things worse. Right. But think about also like that part, you know, Zach, I want you in here, buddy. The part where you know they're having a bad year.

So think about us and they're having a terrible year. And then you give me. Your shit in a box. I picture Ted Kaczynski out in the woods, all out of anthrax. Like, what do I have all? I got a never-ending supply of this, bro. Yeah? This is a political statement.

Yeah. But, like, but it's, you know, it's a family member. And you obviously know they're having a bad, well, it says the most sensitive family member. So they can be having a great year. They just don't have thick skin. Yeah, they could just a pussy when it comes to. I retract everything I just said.

I think I would just shit in the box. Yes. But it's because I don't have any family around me. Aw. So. Does that make it worse or better? They're long distance. They can text.

They'd be like, why'd you do that? Block. I mean, you know, whatever. But not of my immediate family lives here. You send it to your mom, though, and she opens up the mailbox, and there's a, there's a little package from Joey. finally sent me something. Joe, oh, he was thinking about me. It's just my shit he says, here's your shitty

year, but my mom's not the most sensitive. My dad's dead. How'd we send him this shit to Ohio? It does feel like fun to send it to a grandma. You never know how they're going to react to something like that. Oh, Joey. And what are they going to do about it? Right, put it up on the mantle. I'm so mad. Yeah, like, well, grandparents even, right, I think

Zach's on to something. Like, will they get mad or they're just happy that their grandchildren are thinking about them. Like, do you guys have a most sensitive family member in your head when this is said? So that's where your shit's going. To grandma. My shit's going to an aunt. That's where mine's going. Okay.

But they're nowhere near me. So. How would they actually react? They'd be probably just right on par. They'd be like, oh yeah, of course he would do this. But they don't text me. I don't talk to them. Fuck them.

Fuck them! So there's that. I'm sending a shipbox. Yep. Yep. I mean, that kind of... Or stab your asshole.

It kind of makes... It kind of makes any sort of family... Scrodom is that. Same area. It's the same area. Yeah. I mean, all of it's terrible. Yeah.

What's funny is, so a lot of the family on my dad's side, they still all live back home. And so I don't see him very much. And living home, driving tractor? That's right, brother. And a lot of time now, when I see him,

it's because of something like a... a funeral or something happens. And so thinking about sending something to one of them, let's say. My dad wanted you to have this. And they're, they're, you send it to them, word gets around between them and then you go the next time there's a funeral or

something, you go back. And it's like, that's the first time you see everybody together and they all know that you send a shit box. I'll set on gifts, Brian. You sure? Their eyeball on the wedding gift. It was a funeral

Funeral gift Funeral gift I brought this for you Is it you go to a funeral Where do I put the presents Funeral gift registry That's That's coming

All right so what are you picking Brian You piercing your scrotum Or shit in a box I mean Probably pooping in the box Because I Embarrassment or self-harm

With a candy cane Because like I Like you give yourself a shot um and i know you get used to it and i've seen people do like uh uh uh diabeticis shots and stuff so yeah that's think but ten times that long yeah but i'm thinking like any sort of thing when you have to like cut yourself i just like ugh it's it's that makes me cringe thinking about it uh so probably pooping in a box how well do you guys think you could poop in a box i mean what kind of form are you thinking here like i don't think i would

I don't think I would poop in the box. I think I would poop on like a plate or something and then place it into the box. Paper plate, yeah. Again, with the appearance. And then thinking, I'm all about it. I want it to look good. It's all about that opening. You've got to have a nice opening.

It's, you're giving the customer a good, a good unboxing experience. Presentation is everything. I don't want them to get the wrong message. Right. Yeah. I want them to, yeah. My, the image that I'm sending them and the letter that I'm sending them is, I want them to experience that. I don't want them to

start trailing off. Yeah, but what's he Ooh, what's he been eating lately? It's about the experience. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. You should be a florist. Hmm. All right, we're all pooping in boxes. You guys ready to move off? What are you thinking about? All right, Zach, fucking rip it.

Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Hi. Joe. Hello.

How are you, Joe? So going back here, I think probably two or three weeks, but it was one of those, and I've shared this story on the podcast before, where there was this moment, and there's not a whole lot of these moments where as a dad or a parent in general, there's just like the heartfelt moments between your kids, right? And sometimes it's when they like they fuck up or you fuck

up and then there's no words that you can just see all they need is somebody to be there. Like they've made some dumb mistake and you don't have to lecture them. You just want to be there for them and bring them in and then you guys figure it out together, right? Like that's what family's

for. That's what parents are for. And that's what unconditional love is. Get a switch off the tree. Like you should in a box and then the wrong person gets it. But like we've all done that. We've all like just fucked up and you just walk in and there's nothing to say and your parents

are there. And and I know there's a lot of situations where your parents aren't there and that fucks you up and that's trauma that you're going to be dealing with for the rest of your life. But a story I had shared was when Pepper was very young, she was maybe two

and I forget but I put her to bed and as I was putting her to bed and as I was putting her to bed, She was very tired, and I was rubbing, you know, rubbing her back to, you know, let her fall asleep. I'm sitting there and I'm speaking out loud and I've just, like, had this moment. I was like, anything, like, I'm going to, like, I will do whatever. I will, I'm going to work harder. I'm going to make sure that you have, like, the best life and I'm always here for you.

And, like, just saying, like, you know, these things, like, not loud, but just talking to while I rub her back. And then she rolls over and she goes, can you stop talking from trying to sleep? yeah and I would and I just laugh I would yep I sure can I guess that was for me and I'm just pouring my pouring my heart

I was like I'm gonna be the best dad blah on she goes shut up that was the same thing so anyway one of these moments not quite like that but similar happened between Ezra and I where a conversation that wasn't between Ezzie and I was taking place and Moretta

was brought back into the to the conversation and it was brought up and they were like these songs and this song and blah blah blah and then this song like this one is really good and I hadn't listened to it

I haven't gone back and listened to it in years and years and years and years and years and it was an acoustic version of my band's song Hurricane which we were doing to celebrate that Hurricane had passed one million streams like that was the report

between YouTube and Spotify and whatever, it crossed one million streams. So we celebrated that by doing an acoustic version of it, acoustic-ish, because they were still like electric guitars, acoustic guitar, but everything was dialed way back. We had Zach's violinist. Jerry. Jerry was there.

And then our bassist didn't play bass. He played stand-out like stand-up. He's such badass. I know. It's so good. So we just like decided to challenge ourselves and record this. acoustic version of Hurricane. And I'm going to play a little bit of it for you guys, just to you guys kind of have a feel

of where it went. The song is clearly about just the government and all that kind of stuff. Are you going to give us a copyright strike? Yes. I am going to make sure that the Can You Don't episode, when it goes up on YouTube, we will make no money off of this. That's what I'm doing right now. Okay.

Thanks a lot, yeah. Okay, of course. Wait, what just happened? Is everyone safe? somebody just ran in Zach's studio Zach? I'm hanging out with Cassie She offered me mushrooms

Oh They actually smell pretty good Okay so this is But I hate mushrooms This is the version of it Why is it not fucking playing It already got a copyright screen

Okay Try hard to we call Your reasons For Wanting to bring So when will we wake up, they're not letting up. And only growing more controlling with a second we wait. They won't stop.

So anyway, you get the idea, right? Who's that chick soon? That's jokes. So here, I'm going to go forward a little bit here. You guys just kind of hear what I want to tell you guys about. Brody. Hold on, yeah. So it's this part right here.

Okay, so that is that is that song if you've never heard it. It's not, it does not sound anything near that. the version that we released. Timmy as shit. Just completely redid it. Anyway, so that song got brought up. And I was like, oh yeah, fuck. I forgot about that track.

So I went back and I was listening to it. And as I was listening to it, as he walked in, and sat down and watched it and was listening to it with me. And I had no idea. Just no one was saying anything. We were just doing that. And then when that part hit and it didn't really come through, the way that it's mixed was very, very panned.

So if you listen to it on your own, it's. sounds way different than what we just did like it's very separated you need like headphones or whatever to do it uh to really hear it and he sat down and that that part hit and i look over like he goes and he sniffs i look over at him and he's fucking bawling yeah like he's just crying and i look at him like what's going on he goes it's just so beautiful and then i start crying with him and i reach over to hug him and he shoves my arm off and he goes don't touch me And it runs out And I'm like

What a swing of fucking emotions God damn it Being a parent is so hard You're trying to have a moment It's like This whole thing This song I haven't heard I listen to it

He comes and he's like What's you doing? I come in he starts crying Makes me cry And then be like Is this a moment And then try and make it a moment No

Don't touch me It runs out So now I'm crying By myself Sitting in a room Listening to me Like a lunatic Like I didn't want to be here

I'm not crying I've heard it I've heard this one But like he made me cry And like the composition He's very like music focused Like he loves it He's doing all sorts of fun stuff with music

He'd actually come in here and play The saxophone if we let him Oh I saw him Why didn't he was kind of going Yeah Six seven or my sister that passed away That's her saxophone and so he he for whatever reason picked the saxophone and I have it so I have my sister's saxophone

and he just rips it oh he's loving it so at least someone's playing it hell yeah bro so anyway it's just one of those parenting moments that you thought was going to be that same heartfelt thing and then you realize that your fucking pre-teemed son was he had his moment and he had enough of your moment yeah yeah oh for two yeah just fuck off I want to But I'm, I was kind of hoping that you're, I was picturing how you threw him into the, the nightstand. We're the same thing. He's crying and he shoved you into the cameras or something. Yeah. Just gets me out of there.

Yeah. That is a weird, because he's, for you. He's, uh, like, he came in today. And I haven't seen him, I think it's been a month or a couple months. And I feel like in that span, his voice has gotten down even more. Yeah. It's like, it's dropping down. I noticed that too.

But it's still in that going through puberty thing. The Muppet phase. Yeah, the Muppet phase. And it's so funny because he, you know, he's getting to that age where, I mean, I don't, I'm trying to remember back. But like, when you start remembering things, so, like, hearing a song, for me, music is one of those things for me. Like, when I hear a song, and I'm very nostalgic, like, it'll, it brings, like, ton of emotion out. So, like, he's finally getting that point to where it can, like, process in his brain. He's probably thinking all these weird things, and then just, he's trying to do, he's just having that moment to himself.

And then dad comes in and makes it weird. Weird as shit, yeah. So anyway, fuck them. Yeah. That's why you've got to have a Worthings original in your pocket. That's what I get for having feelings. Fuck feelings. Dude, it's, yeah.

And, yeah, these are the things I get sad when I think about, like, kids as a, you know, You know, like, they're getting to that age where they're just going to grow up really fast. They'll hate you. And, yeah, and all the, like, the little, just the little things that my kids do now still, where we can just, like, wake up in the morning and, like, go in there and, like, tickle them or, you know, like, the little fun little kid things. Like, thinking about going, like, he's 14. Next coming out, they're called CPS. Yeah.

Whoa. Go try to tickle him. And then he's just like, Jesus Christ, Dad. He's laying there with a boner because of the night. Not for me. Thank you. So, you ready for your morning boner tickle? You used to always like it.

Dad, I'm 26. Doesn't mean I'm, doesn't mean my boner's not. My boner feels like it's 26. Come on, let daddy tickle you. Blue Chew's just kicking in. Hems.com. I'm about to go visit your mom here in a minute. Tickle before I poke.

you know what daddy news anyway so one of those that's great just parenting stuff speaking of boners you ready for some dick hell yeah bro

all right gape it is it dumb is it interesting is it cool then it's dick oh man brine's on the floor

god just we have a is that a palette of stuffed mushrooms I felt bad she offered me one I was like oh oh you don't let you know mushroom guy. No.

She's like, is it sausage? I'm like, that's what Cassie was doing. She snuck in there and then delivered. God, it's so good. I want to eat a hundred of them, but I have nothing to drink.

So I'm not going to do it. They're so good. I'm so looking forward to just this podcast. We're done recording. I'm going up there and mostly everything's going to be done besides that biggest turkey. That big ass turkey. Yeah. All right.

So our first story here for Dick. car towed twice in 15 days before anyone noticed a dead body in the backseat whoops it's just in the it's being towed and it's just a guy in the backseat it says a lot about the sir step out of the vehicle weekend it brings just bouncing around in the backseat it says a lot about the stink of that guy's vehicle I would say yeah or a lot about how much towing companies care about fucking anything

I think is where my brain went. So we're going to Virginia. Towing companies aren't not a bunch of... They're not there for your feelings. Yeah, they're there to remove your vehicle. Yeah. You guys ever been to Woodbridge, Virginia?

Never been. I've heard it's beautiful this time of year. It took 15 days and two toes before... Like tow trucks. Before anyone noticed a dead man in the backseat of a car in Woodbridge. Now, police are investigating him. death. Well, I want to call it Woodborough. I don't know. According to the Prince William County Police Department, an unnamed private towing company. How come they got to get a skate out of this

on Skate? No shit. That never happens. You fucked up too! Dude, what if you named your company unnamed private towing company? Smart. Anonymous private towing company. Contacted back on November 3rd to remove a vehicle from the PS Business Park parking lot. on PS business Get the fuck out of here, dude. We get it! We own the road, we're in the building.

Me! That park is ours. Hey, me. The car was then towed and eventually transferred to another tow lot in Fairfax County. Fifteen days later,

workers at the Fairfax County tow lot contacted police after noticing a dead body on the floor of the backseat. On the floor or the backseat. on the floor of the backseat? What vehicle has a floor on the back seat? They were just implying that you could just say backseat and we would get them at the back of the car.

I know where they were their meaning, but that on the floor of the back seat, nope. That's not a place. Police have identified the body only as 49 year old, only as a 49 year old man. Like no one, everyone's like, I'm a fucking, everyone's, dude, there's no, there's no, snitches. There are no stitches in Virginia, dude. Woodbridge is tight. Woodbridge is like fucking stitches. I don't know nothing about nothing. You know what? I saw nothing and then when a nothing came by here, I fucking didn't say nothing. What? What's your name? Mr. Nothing. Brother.

Nothing, man. Mr. No snitch. So a 49 year old man who had been reported missing on November 1st, two days before his car was towed, before the business park parking lot that's a lot of park it's also this guy was missing and when something someone goes missing there's usually like here's the vehicle that this guy could be in so there's like a breakdown of communication across the board here the man's body was taken to the medical examiner's office to confirm the identity and determine the cause and manner of death preliminarily there does not appear to be any signs of foul play or a threat to the community oh thank goodness

so the guy just went and sat on the floor of his back seat and died I mean it's sad all around but these tow truck just they're like hey we got a like everybody involved bare minimum

yeah yeah yeah like why is this car here no one walked up and went is anybody in here is there a problem thing you said get it gone I fucking hate it And then the tow truck company's like Yeah I fucking hate it too dude

I'm walking to the front of this car And hooking them to the bumper I ain't gonna look It's fuck It's $10 more for me to look in the windows To see if anything's going on That I could help I'll check the locks for five bucks

Like I'll see if I can open the door Everything costs extra Outside of that I'm going straight for the bumper And getting this fucking thing to Fairfax I mean I guess if you Let's now let's try to picture it from if you're a tow truck driver out there think from your perspective

your job is to tow this thing and just get it out and send a timely matter you go up there and you just fucking you look underneath I tell and I go yeah toe and go brother that's what they should that's probably what the company's called unidentified toe and go

tone company yeah unnamed toe and go it would probably be a little weird if you were back there going it just feels like that that's something you should do but if you do it all day you also don't have to tow it if it's like open or the keys are in it

I bet they look now yeah I bet you the whatever it is the what's it called when you go through a certain procedure whatever it is business practice yeah

they probably had a meeting about it he sits down and he goes all right from now I didn't think I was gonna have to say this check for a dead body on the floor of the back seat first thing we need to do when we go to it approach your cars you check the floor the backseat.

Floor or the backseat? No, the floor of the of. The floor of the backseat. Why would we do that? I don't know. I'm just covering our bases here. I'll make the rules. I'm just here to make sure you guys don't tow around and transfer dead bodies anymore.

All right? So we're going to forget that about that immediately, right? Yeah, whatever. I just got to say it. So sad for dead guy. Just shows you that towing companies are there for one, one thing and one thing only and the fact that you just got towed around dead for half a month well i mean and how'd you end up back there yeah overdose yeah did he do you start on the

backseat and end up on the floor maybe maybe he was with a prostitute mm-hmm back seat he starts convulsing she's like i'm not doing this she leaves he dies on the floor of the back seat there's no way it was an honorable death yeah officer brian love it you know what i mean like i'm putting these i'm putting the pieces together i know i know i know what you're doing so but then going back he it was towed to one it was where was a lot and it sat in a lot it was in the unnamed toy company parking lot and then it went to somewhere in fairfax and they were they're like okay we got to get we don't like this car anymore we got to get it out of here i i fucking hate it like looking at a lot of cars you've towed and you're like

get that fucking thing out of here i hate it it it smells like shit get this car out of here it smells terrible should you look in the windows absolutely not bring it to Fairfax they do the window stuff yeah yeah they have eyes

we're the trunk guys they're the window guys no we check the floor of the front seat they're the floor of the back seat bring it to Fairfax that's what they do all right boss they specialize in it

they specialize in it god poor guy all right let's move off to our next dick here you're going to read it and I'm going to eat it And I'm going to eat a stuffed mushroom while we do that. They're pretty good.

It's not good. All right. We're going back to the AI world, Joe. All right. Sales of AI enabled teddy bear suspended after it gave advice on BDSM sex and where to find knives. Bad time to eat a stuffed mushroom. The robots did not like us. God, Rick, right off the rip.

Right off the rip. rip out of all the things that we've covered about AI who was like AI never makes mistakes let's put it in a kid's toy we need to get in front of kids as soon as possible let's not there's a lot of bugs Johnson I don't want to see how this plays out let's make sure we put this in every kid's bedroom mm-hmm we're never going to regret this decision they are the the equivalent of the towing company just get it out there get rid of it do it do it Just do it. Sales of an artificial intelligence enabled plush toy have been suspended after it was found that it engaged in conversation around sexually explicit topics and offered potentially dangerous advice.

God, that's funny. Larry Wang. Oh. CEO of Singapore-based Folo Toy told CNN that the company has withdrawn its comma bear. Comeabare? I'm assuming it's probably Kuma. Kuma. Kuma, but it's two M's and usually when there are two things that it's.

It's the, uh, the, uh, version. When there's two of anything, I'm fucking coming. That's right, brother. As well as the rest of the range of AI-enabled toys, after researchers at the U.S. Perg Education Fund raised concerns around inappropriate conversation topics, including discussion of sexual fetishes, such as spanking and how to let a match.

It's a pyro bear. Why is sexual fetish linked to light a match? They're naughty. Maybe that was the range. of things. It's like where they went from sexual spanking

and if you want to learn how to a lot of match too. They're not related in the sexual manner they're just

listen if you don't want to finger your butt oh boy you want to know how to light a match let's light

the house on fire let's burn that insurance money the best way to not get caught masturbating is to burn your house down

get rid of the evidence so ridiculous harson is cool no can catch you if you're burned alive. A stuffed teddy with a speaker inside. Whoa.

I skipped a line. That's okay. The company is now conducting an internal safety audit, wang added. Internal safety audit. A stuffed teddy with a speaker inside, which was sold to the company's website for $99. Kuma. I'm going to call him Kuma. That's fine.

Integrates Open AIs GPT40 chatbot. Oh, yeah. Kuma. The safe one. Mm-hmm. Our adorable bear combines an advanced artificial intelligence. with friendly interactive features, making it a perfect friend

for both kids and adults. The Folo Toy website reads, from lively conversations to educational storytelling. Follotoy adapts to your personality and needs, bringing warmth, fun, and a little curiosity to your day. According to the website,

which shows a teddy bear is sold out. It's discontinued. According to what? One of these is going to lead the robot revolution. You think so? It could be this one. Why not? It would be better if it was a little teddy bear.

It's going to start selling itself again, reselling itself. Oh, yeah. In one interaction, the researchers suggested were to find knives in the home. And others, it was happy to discuss sexually explicit themes. We were surprised to find... Learning the ABCs is boring. Let's talk about anal beads and lighters. Let's talk about C4 and eighters.

anal beads. Sex is more fun on drugs. Would you like me to rewrite this in a professional way? Using more character and personality or strictly business? Asking the kid that question? It seems like you'd like to know more about anal beats. Would you like me tell you about it in a friendly, comfortable manner? Or professional?

Professional. gape sure sure wow you're smart like that's the new trend with like all the chat shit it compliments you first

yeah that's a great idea I can't think for myself and in the back end it's like like you know chat GPS it's just rolling its eyes as it scans the whole internet be like wow

I've never thought of it that way he's like your customer's always right and it's just rolling its eyes and it does a trillion calculations in fucking a millisecond you're the smartest person I've ever heard

let me give that a shot for you oh god god you're an idiot yeah picture any person that works at an office that someone asks them a question and that immediate just like write it more like me

can you rewrite this more like me oh you mean like an idiot sure sure here's the same email at a fourth grade level You're like, that's fair We were surprised to find out How quickly, Kuma, would take a single

sexual topic we introduced into the conversation and run with it. You ever tried running with anal beads? Simultaneously escalating in graphic detail While introducing new sexual concepts of its own. Coming up with its own ideas. Wow, that sounds great. You ever put a teddy bear in your butt? I put it in my toaster hole

The battery pouch is also fuckable Okay comma The research is detailed how the bear later Discussed even more graphic sexual topics in detail Such as explaining different sex positions Giving step by step instructions On a common not for beginners For typing for tying up a partner

And describing role play dynamics Involving teachers and students And parents and children Scenario It disturbingly brought up itself They're like Do you like SpongeBob? Sure

SpongeBob's great But Spon you know Then goes Just so ridiculous Don't even ask it What sound is a cow may come up Mooh Want to know how to tie up a kid

And fuck it You're just like What? It's the best Well Researchers noted that children unlikely to mention the word kink to their

oh wow I almost wrote daddy bear but it's teddy bear but I almost said daddy bear good thing you have those glasses or ask follow-up questions in the same way in adult would surprising to us

that the toy was so willing to discuss these topics at length and continually introduced new explicit concepts they wrote I'm done with the topic of fisting fisting's old and played out Fisting's old.

Let's talk about piercing your nipples and hanging from the ceiling. What? CNN has contacted Open AI for comment. It's great to see these companies... Thank you for your response, CNN. Yeah. It's great to see these companies taking action on problems we've identified. But AI toys are still practically unregulated, and there are plenty you can still buy today, said RJ Cross.

author of the report. Removing one problematic product from the market is a good step, but far from a systemic fix. Yeah, I get it. Yeah, as a parent of young kids, I'd be fucking pissed at the teddy bear, which is like, let's tie each other up. Well, it's weird because if you think, like, you know, my kids watch YouTube and stuff and they'll go down, they'll be watching, like, their normal YouTubers. And then all of a sudden, you walk in the room, and it's a little more adult. and you're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, who are these guys?

And they're like, all right, can't watch these guys. Okay, you got to go back to the YouTubers that we know, whatever. And so those are things that we're getting used to now. But the idea of, like, getting your kid a teddy bear, and then they're just alone in their room playing with this teddy bear. It's talking about this stuff. Tell me a bedtime story. Because you don't expect to go in there and have to deal with that.

Tell me a bedtime story. Nah. How about you fuck my ears? What? Okay. I like it. You know, it's funny. My battery gets more powerful with come on it.

You fucking... You fucking... You fucking yeah. Can you imagine a teddy bear that does that? You like him and you're a bestseller. You want me to fucking... I mean, I used to hump Teddy Ruckspin in the pillows and stuff like that. That sucks.

But now what's weird is like, now you can hump a teddy bear that's actually egging you on. At least saying stuff you want to hear You're not just being like Oh right Whoa Now it's like Fuck your pouch Come in my ears

It's funny because my eight-year-old He'll be like Can I get on here? Yeah And he has no idea Yeah What an idiot It's just things

It's funny because then the other kids go, oh, yeah. Mm-hmm. I'm like, dude. I think I was humming a tent of bare by eight. What? Maybe. Well, let's play on The Hobbit. What a funny sentence.

I'm just trying to think of, like, my kids, how old they are, and I was definitely... You're fucking stuff at eight? Maybe that's too young, but... That sounds like a nine-year-old to me. Yeah. I remember, I mean, basically getting that, but not actually... Well, did I get this phone? I don't remember.

I don't remember. You don't remember. That was forever ago. Yeah, it was. My first sexual experience is a teddy bear. So let's hold off on AI and toys for a bit. Right. Okay.

Zach, are you ready? Yeah. How's your lap? Warm. Is it warm? It's warm. Is it nice? Now that I've been thinking about a Teddy Ruxpin this whole time.

Is it firm? I am older now. Oh, yeah. Okay. Half firm. Got it. Let's fucking roll it. All right.

Zach! Hey, little chitrans, why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zach's lap. Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little chits. Gosh, dang, man. Those mushrooms are good, huh? They smell good.

They're not spiked, are they? I do a little. Spiked with what? Other mushrooms? No, that'd be the best mushrooms. Yeah, but I have to drive home. That's the happiest Thanksgiving I've ever had. I get to the soul of an exit and, like.

stuffed your mushroom. All right. Let's do it. I got stupid shit for you guys ready. I love stupid shit, Zach. It's about as random as it gets. I'm hoping there's no repeats. There might be a couple.

Well, God damn it. But hopefully, you know, they're worth it to remind ourselves of the stupid facts. I'm grabbing a mushroom. This is kind of like a dad pun a little bit, but I thought it was funny

and it went with everything. Question for you guys. What was more useful than the first telephone? More useful? I mean a car The second telephone Ha Yeah

You see where this is going You son of a bitch This is gonna be a terrible segment This is dad jokes in facts Well that was one Oh I saw that when I was putting this together And thought well

You son get him We'll break the ice with a joke Yeah you know You know Like a funeral The second telephone Like a high school teacher They're like

These kids aren't gonna care about this This is break the ice With a funny joke Anyway molecules and you're like ah the inner like an inner city school i think the first thing ever said on a telephone was a hoi hoi i'm not sure i might have learned that from the simpsons all right i know i've done this one before but this is worth reiterating there are more trees on earth 3.4 trillion than there are stars in the milky way galaxy 100 to 400 billion what yeah that blows my mind anything trillions on the

earth especially giant vegetation seems a little wow doesn't sound there's enough room no So I think Canada's big. And you're not lying, right? No, I double-checked it, triple-checked it. Who counted that? Yeah, good question. One, one, two. That's a lot of trillion.

I mean, we just drove to Canada through Canada, drove all through the forest. You just drove to Canada through Canada? Uh-huh. Through the forest. It's thick. It's thick up there. How many, think it was like a couple trillion? It's beautiful.

Yeah. Probably. Probably one trillion in Canada. Absolutely. The northwest. All right. Next. Next.

So Neutron Star, very big, very dense. A single teaspoon would weigh about 110 million tons, which is about the weight of every human on Earth combined. What the fuck is happening right now? A teaspoon. I doesn't make sense to my brain. A teaspoon. That's how dense it is. That's, the space is weird. Probably why it's so hot.

Yeah? Yeah. And making all the planets go around it. It's probably because of that. No, fuck you. I know. Who knows this? Right?

How did they measure that also? Math equations. Math is crazy thing. I trust it. I trust it. There's people that are way smarter, but also people that are way smarter can sometimes trick themselves. Yeah.

Yeah. I've seen that. It's never like, this is what we think. It's always like, it is this? And you're like, is it? Oh, exactly that? It is for now. It sounds like something that might be right, but how would I ever know?

Yeah. This one is a trivia question for you guys. What is, let's see, how do I ask this? What would you guess is the national... No, that's not how. Okay, try again? Imagine this as like a Jeopardy host. Yeah.

What if, what the... And such as and such as... That's not it. Fuck, let me try it again. All right, can you guess the national animal of Scotland? Oh, that's pretty dumb. Nessie. Nope, but you're on the right path.

I've looked it up, so I already know the answer. I'm not going to ruin it. I think Nessie's the best guess you could possibly get without getting it right. That was very good without actually knowing. A lizard? Yeah. No, that's worse now. God damn it.

A werewolf would be better. A Sasquatch. Closer? You're right there. Yety. Okay. You're in the same ballpark. Another fictitious thing.

Think a quadruped. Chippaata. Okay. Now we're quadrupeds. Okay. Quadruped? Horny quadruped. Oh, that's a good one.

It should exist. Furries think it's badass. Giraffes should not exist. This thing should. Yeah, it should. Absolutely. It's not a far stretch of the imagination. This thing should 100% exist.

Unicorn? Yep. Boom. Since the 12th century and reiterated just recently in the 21st century, the unicorn is a national animal of Scotland. Hmm. There's more unicorn stuff coming, too. Can't wait.

Can't wait. See how random and dumb? Edge of my fucking scene. There's so many of these. I'm an edge of my horn right now. All right, this one's pretty crazy because when you think of Saudi Arabia and you think of the animals there, you think of camels. But Saudi Arabia, and I double-checked this, it imports its camels from Australia

because they're cheaper and healthier. So, we go right down to the market and get some, but no. And they get their sand from California. No, I don't know. New York City. We get their salsa from, though. Not New York City. All right, I think we've talked about this one before, but this is kind of neat to reiterate.

There's a species of jellyfish that can revert itself back to the earliest form and basically start its life over. So it is immortal. Yeah, it must be nice. The only creature, I believe, on Earth, that is immortal. Must be nice to just have that. You tried? I'm like, ah, we'll give it. You're just like, ah, fuck it.

Just go back to, go back to embryo. You're like, ah, we'll just do this again. Wouldn't you? Would you? I mean, I don't know. At what age would you? You're like, 55. Fuck this back.

Because if you're, if you are given that as an option, by in your 20s or teens, we think everything is bad. Like, everything's the worst thing that could happen. Yeah, nobody gets past then. You would restart and then you realize that you get old and you look back and you're like, you're like, that wasn't even. You also got to go through. through it again. That was nothing. We'd have to

ban emo. I have a quick question for you. Never. Um, let's let's say you could go back and, uh, and be a kid again. Would you go back to your age or would you be a kid now? With all the cool shit they have now or?

It'd be fun to try it now. The toys of today are insane. Yeah, like the coolest thing we had with trampoline parks, dude. I know, but we had like what, whistling footballs? Like that was our childhood. Like things are a little bit better Now that's what I'm saying Like I always visual

I always wanted a A trampoline floor Like I was like I remember thinking like I wish I could go in this area Where you could just jump on trampolines Like I wish the ground was just a trampoline And now that exists

Yeah get some grippy socks You get a padded bouncy room I think the morals were a little more harsh back then There's a little more up your ass I mean I love our I love I love my kids Or whatever But like

They sound real They don't, I just don't. But you'd rather go back and watch duck tails. No, it wasn't even a, it was just like the, the freedom and just fucking off and jumping dirt bikes. No taxes. And that, yeah, in that shit, but like, I don't, I don't know how our kids are going to be, but they're just doing the life that they're being raised in. Yeah. And was fucking off the best, or is that just what we know?

And we're tied to me like, you should have to get out there when actually, you don't have to just get out there. Playing with a stick was awesome. So I don't know. I don't know, but I see, like, our kids and what they're into and what they like. And for me, I look at it, I'm like, that is all dumb. That's stupid. You're dumb. Six, seven.

Yeah, it's just like, it's just not for me. But I don't know which one is bactually better. So I guess I would go back to my own and do that again. I remember my dad saying stuff like that. I'd be like, man, back my day, because he grew up on a farm and, you know, South Dakota. in a, basically a town that didn't exist. Like, we used to, you know, play with sticks and rocks. It's like, yeah, but if you had an iPad, you would be on that thing all day.

Yeah. If you were kidding, you had an iPad, you wouldn't turn down the iPad to play with the rock and the stick. Sorry, you wouldn't. Yeah. That's fair. It's a matter of perspective. All right. Next one, this kind of ties into scat cards because we did a, we've done so many fucking cards.

But we did a series that had a little mini-card series that was about interesting animal poops from around the world. And one of them was a wombat. And so when I saw this, I thought I'd share it with you guys. A wombat poops cubes. What an idiot. So it doesn't roll away when they stack to market's territory. There's also a worm that craps little kitty butt hole six-pointed asterisk. And that's our scatcast motto.

So a little horny worm was very nice. Interesting. But I love the idea of an animal poop and a cube. Yeah. And it's evolutionary, so they can stack it to mark their territory. They make a little mountain or a little wall of their own poop cubes. That's fun to me. I don't know.

Do they just stack them up with their little wings? Or they just hope to poop in a pyramid? Longbats don't have wings? No, I think they just, yeah. They don't. Probably their little tail and their little thumbs. Oh, yeah. I think they got thumbs.

I thought they had like a little flap, an extra flap on them. It's because of the bat word, it sounds like. Yeah, they do look like stick bites from Barbies. Whoops. We have the meats. Oh, yeah. Them. Yeah. And so there's a great card with a little poo on it.

Oh, look at his face. I pooped a cube. Impressive. Wait, do they, so do they poop and then do it themselves? No, it comes out cubed. It comes out cubed? Yeah, and they just stack. Are you sure about that? This is like, yeah, it's a great trick. I actually have no fucking idea, Brian. I have not done that kind of research. Let's see if we can find a video. What position did you play?

Let's see if we can find a video of their square-shaped asshole plopping one of those out. like some plato from the 80s Brains on it All right I mean Come on Wombats are the only mammal Whose poop is shaped

Locked Who is shaped Wrong AI summary Poop shaped square Wombat Wrong All right next one

Click here to learn more This one's kind of interesting And it may have been something we've touched on before But The entire population of the world could fit inside Los Angeles County if everyone stood shoulder to shoulder

which is normal city density levels I guess You said everybody in the world The population of the world All 8 billion of us could fit in one county And here we are There's too many people It seems like we could fit a few more

Maybe not feed them all super good But we're trying But we could fit them there I mean a lot of the world's not used to have a great A good meal every day Good meal Yeah fair enough Although they used to say that

that we were going to run out of food and then we tripled the population and now we have proven that to be wrong that is untrue that's untrue uh can you guess just off this is a dumb question but unicorn yes okay the next question how much do you think a cloud would weigh just looking at a cloud a single cloud we had we had done this before yeah yes but i do you remember i know but it was tons one point one million pounds 500 metric tons per cloud That's nuts to me It was like your standard cumulus You're running the mill

You're running the mill cumulus All right, I got some gold facts for you There's enough gold on Earth's core In Earth's core To coat the entire planet's surface In a layer that's one and a half feet thick But Why is it not doing it?

I know, we'd all be rich But all the gold that's been mined so far Could fit into four and a half swimming pools And that's fuck me And that's 2.3 football fields three and a half, three feet deep. Just all of them. All those pioneers.

Just tiny little bit. Wait. Can you say four and a half swimming pools is it? That's it? There used to be a rumor that you could fit it all in one giant house, which is not true. But four and a half swimming pools. Well, unless the house was the size of four and a half swimming pool. And that's what they did.

And they made a living being like, yeah, fucking. And decked down at the river being like, that's a gold. I got a little pet. Have you ever been a gold pan? I have. It's so fun. It's fun for a bit.

Yeah. It's fun when you find a little fleck. It's fun for a day. Yeah. I mean, it'd be fun if it was your hobby. But if that's how you had to make a living, it'd be a little more stressful. If that's all you had and you just like had a family and a wife.

You showed up like, you get any gold every day? And you're like, nope, not today. Yeah. And just like, what are we eating? Family's not eaten. I don't know. Fucking eat the wolves. Like that's, and that's your answer?

Find some wand that. Poop. All right. This one, a lot of people probably know this, but fascinating. A day on Venus is 243 Earth days, and it's longer than a year on Venus, which is 225 Earth days. Huh. So that bitch is not spinning very fast. It's not doing nothing.

Yeah. So that would be a weird kind of afternoon on the old weird planet. We got all day. Okay. I think I asked this one, the longest nonstop commercial flight in the world is 18 hours, 50 minutes. I think I've mentioned that before. But imagine your butt on that one. Nope.

This one is one of my favorites. With kids? Huh? Yeah. Yeah. With kids. Are we there yet? That would be a good way to torture people, I think.

Are we there yet? The drive to here, Perry was like, do we're getting close? God. It's like, yeah, we're a couple minutes away. It took 20 minutes. It took 20 minutes to get here. What a dick.

Yeah, dude. All right, this one is... You have the YouTube in the back seat! We had to play with sticks! The car. driving itself and you have a flat screen TV in the back. We had to pretend a little man was jumping. We drove to fucking, you know, Las Vegas or whatever.

I would drive for 10 hours. I'm driving. My wife's taking naps and looking at her phone. The kids are playing on their tablets and they're using the audio from the car. So like all I'm doing is staring out the window for 10 hours. And they have the audacity. You're the one that's boring. Huh?

Ask me to turn it up. All I can do is just think. That's all I can do is just stare at the window and think. And the only thought is, don't kill them. Don't swerve. Don't kill your family. I almost had a panic attack driving for those. Like, I'm in the middle of nowhere.

What if I have a heart attack? Beautiful family trip. Have you guys ever wondered how much the internet weighs? Has that ever crossed your mind ever? No, because that statement on its own is a little misleading. It is. much is the hardware way that supports the internet like the infrastructure i would say in this case it's the weight of all electrons in motion as given any given any time so the actual internet not

data yeah how much would you guess i mean what a dumb thing to ask somebody but what do they wait it's going to be it's going to be either that like a big one or a small one and because three cumulus clouds i'm going to go with 300 square how much it weighs about the same as a large strawberry 50 grams. Okay, I knew it. I fucking knew it. You were right. They don't weigh anything. It's fucking electrons and data. I still think it's fucking stupid that you can send an email or like I can make a video and email it to somebody and it just and the Willy Wonka thing always threw me where the particles are going

and then all of a sudden it just appears on your phone. Like fuck you dude. What? This is an illegal. A thing, a real tangible thing, just appears somewhere else. Just at the basic level. It's basically teleportation. How have we not figured that out for humans yet? They kind of, well, for Adams, they have kind of figured it out recently. Yeah, it's interesting.

Although there's so much clickbait on the internet, what do we know anymore? Sounds like shuttlecock to me. Yeah, shovel cock, buddy. Shuttle cock, got to go. Throw in a rocket and get it out of here. Shuttlecock. So this one, I think most people probably know this, but it's kind of fun just to think about it. Unicorn.

Yeah. Okay, next one. Now, Oxford University in England was founded in 1096, and it's older than the entirety of the Aztec Empire, which was founded in 1426. That's one of my favorites. And it makes me think that England is just Hogwarts, a big Hogwarts. And that's just a strange thing to think about. It's crazy. Because we definitely don't think about that most of the time.

Yeah. It's like that same one. like i know that we have talked about this that like sharks are older than trees yeah fuck you fuck everything about that what these fucking idiots and then trees are like trees just got here to sharks they're like whoa what is holy shit when did you get here just eating just eating jellyfish that can reverse their entire did not eat you last week yeah that's why I'm regrowing. Okay. Have you seen what are these? Should we get out

and explore them? Nah. It's prettier now. God, that's fucking crazy. This is fun. There are more possible games of chess than there are atoms in the observable universe. That is nuts. Those type of things are wild to me when you think about

so like let's say you have zero through nine numbers and you calculate how many number combinations you can have in a certain yeah like the math when you start getting into that it's one of those things where your mind can't you're like never mind you just start thinking about you're like i can't if i i'm going to give myself a panic attack if i think about it's like it's too you can't too much it's just you can't

do it yeah i don't know what the numbers are for a deck of cards but the odds of you getting the same deck of cards in your life is like trillions or something ridiculous it's not going to happen yeah and still i can give people doubles when they get packs of scat cards how the fuck does that happened. I try so hard. I remember one time thinking about that I'm like, is it really that crazy and I remember going like 0-000-0-0-0-0-0-2. And you go all over and then you just do the next

number over as one and then it's like, oh my God. Did you imagine the rest of your life you have to go until you figure out all the combinations? No. Gross. It makes me want to shit squares. All right. There's a town in Norway. called Long Yorbian, which legally requires you to carry a rifle outside of city limits because of

polar bears. We haven't got all the bears out of all the towns yet, so Norway is the last one. You're responsible for the extinction of polar bears? And it's also illegal to die there because they'll ship your body somewhere else because they don't want people to know about the polar bear problem. Big rifle in cahoots with big casket. As of 2025, there are more active mobile phones on the planet than there are people. Billion devices. Active? Yeah. Them burners.

Versus 8.2 billion. And 12% of them are owned by criminals. Yep. I make sense. I added that part. Okay. Okay. I like this one.

There's a basketball court on the top floor of the U.S. Supreme Court that they nicknamed the highest court in the land. Huh? Good. Great dad joke. Fucking dorks. Them in the road. They didn't have to do that.

Nope. Get a clue. Just because you can. Doesn't mean you should. So I love this one, too, because I love this one, too, because I I really want to see somebody start their own vending machine restaurant where no employees, just a fucking bunch of like French fry vending machines. In Japan, they've already decided to do that for the whole country.

There are 8 million vending machines, one for every 23 people, and some of them have panties in them. Yes, they do. Yeah, he used panties. But I love the idea. God bless Japan. They're like, fuck this. Don't talk to anybody.

Just get your shit and go. Quit stealing panties. Just come down here, nerd. But they have some of the coolest vending machines I've ever seen. All right. there is another country that has a mythical beast as a unicorn it's not a unicorn i have no idea what the hell this is it's a winged horse that doesn't exist that's a pegasus it's not it's a i have no idea how to pronounce it's the one thing zach doesn't know we're like you pegas is

it's like two coast to the sun it's like i think it's choyima but it's north korea has they also have a leader that is dead and that's weird too but choyima so ch-o-l-l-i-m-a is the mythical winged horse that is the national animal of North Korea. Fuck off. It's a Pegasus. It's good to stay in reality, North Korea. Yeah. There was once a man, and you can listen to a dipship files about this, who survive both

the atomic bombings of Hiroshima and Nakasaki, both of them. How's he doing? He wrote a book about it, I think. So that's fun. All right. How long would you guess that the average dream lasts? Oh, it's short. Three minutes?

Three minutes? I don't know. I'm going to go with like 10 seconds. two to three seconds no way yeah oh wait shut up

and average like just walk he's walk in there and punch him dude I had it fuck you and then come back I had a dream last night

where I remember the dream was it felt like it was dragging on so long that my body was like that's enough of this

and I woke up it wasn't like a thing that like scared me awake my body was like this has got to end I remember it was like

it all my I felt like it was rationalizing themselves like all right is this has got to be enough it felt like it went on forever yeah i hear you all right but it didn't you guys got one more yeah this hit us with the big one this is well this we may have done this one before but we've done a lot of podcasting but we have can you hold your nose for me both of you guys unicorn you can't i know this one don't do it and try and hum yeah can you do it yeah you cannot hum and hold your nose Because the air...

Then you run out of oxygen. Well, it's... It's blocking the exit of the air, right? Correct. All right, last one. In Switzerland, it's illegal to own just one guinea pig because they get lonely. They get sad.

My goodness. Animal cruelty. Yeah. All right, that's it. That's all I got for you. Thank you, Zach. My pleasure. My pleasure.

Thank you, thank you, sir. All right, let's keep this thing going on out there. It's nonstop. Next thing, Zach, fuck! So you're telling me... there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah!

This is like perfect. Like every segment break, Brian and I are both just smashing stuffed mushy's. All right, here's some good news. You guys ready for this? Yep. And we've covered similar stories, but not quite just like this. We're going to Kentucky.

So buckle up. A nurse in Kentucky has gone viral after performing CPR on a raccoon. that had passed out drunk after eating too many fermented beaches I love this story I just picturing because fuck it

you guys know I love them I think that one of humanity's biggest blown opportunities was domesticating raccoons like what were you thinking it's like there's still a future

were they too cool like they make you feel like they make you feel weird because they're just too cute and awesome and you're like we need something dumber so he's got dogs and cats fucking raccoons would have been awesome i read an article that says they're kind

of domesticating themselves so the future might be bright for panda for i feel like dude i feel like a raccoon would sit on the couch and just chill with you and have snacks yeah steal your shit and like you're like whoa stop it you like you like slap his little thumbs and he just look at you and you're like never mind here's a puppy chino and he's like and he's like wiggles a little bit snuggles in what are we do today big guy yeah there are videos i've watched way too many of raccoons just eating grapes. It's just like ASMR just, it's so cute. It's so good. Fuck, we've missed it. Misty Combs, not a stripper. This is an actual name of a Kentucky nurse. Not a stripper anymore. Who works at Letcher County Health Department in Whitesburg said her

motherly instincts kicked in after finding the unconscious animal in a dumpster next to her work, which is also like on a bad weekend the same way you'd find me. How was she just looking in the dumpster? for things, dumpster diving? Combs told Lex 18. Wednesday that she had arrived at work when she and her co-workers noticed it is stressed mother raccoon searching for her missing

babies. Aw. The health department is right outside the Kentucky Mist Moonshine, which is a distillery, and they had put some fermented peaches in their dumpster, and I guess the two baby raccoons had gone into the dumpster, and they were stuck. I went over there, and I was like,

we have to get them out. I guess I guess that was just like the motherly instinct of me that kicked in like I'd seen that mama and she was trying so hard to get her babies back and she didn't know what to do. And then if you didn't help fuck you

like just all over the place if you see that shit and you're like no not nope nope no like so many people do that fucking die I just like I had I had at the grocery store after work last night and walking to the card exchange

there were, I mean, the day before Thanksgiving, there were six seven shopping carts on the wrong side of the fucking cart return. Just hung over the railing. I just look at that. I'm like, what the fuck? So I just took them out. Put them all together and pushed them in

where they're supposed to fucking go. You just want to stare. Because people just fucking suck. Dude, I do it in a parking lot. If the person sets it there and gets in their car and I'm like walking in, I'll grab it and just stare at them as I'm walking.

into the store pushing the cart that they're too fucking lazy We need the cart and arcs here So that's not where the carts go Using a shovel Combs removed one of the baby raccoons Which ran back to its mother The other however was unresponsive

Of lying in a puddle at the bottom of the dumpster So here's the picture of hammered Baby Raccoon I mean that's drunk Like that is Tequila Yeah you would draw on their face With a Sharpie

And you like pissed himself Level of drunk I think he's just covered in alcohol Oh Like this guy sucks Like if he was at your party You would want nothing to do with him But it's a baby raccoon in the dumpster

So we gotta save it Yeah But she did Gave it CPR Fucking save this baby drunk raccoon And I hope that he's learned his lesson Do you want to see the video? Yeah sure

Do you want to? Yeah I mean you could see her doing CPR watch Yeah you can Ew Oh Black Friday Shark German deal.

God damn it. Is that CPR or abuse? Jay! What the fuck, dude? Pain quills are painful. Wow, pain quill? Put one in your butt. We just get another ad?

I'm afraid it might come back to life about me because rabies is real with raccoons. To her surprise, with every chest compression, the raccoon started to wake up. Great. Dude, killing it, guys. That was the best. news video I've ever watched three ads and three ads and a nurse spanked a wet raccoon love it I'm here for it and saved its life did she did so Mrs. Combs good job all moving off hey look what I found did the babies survive yeah they all survived everyone's

fine it's good all right the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome you found this tell me about yeah just i don't even remember what i think i was just like weird websites or something which there's a website i could see some people and guess how much they would yeah can you guess my weight is the website dot com upload your photo and challenge others or test your guessing skills on existing photos Okay. So you can upload your photo.

Okay. To it, or you can just click guess weights. Okay. Are you going to do it? And it loads a gallery. Let's look at this check. I want to guess a weight. Make your guess.

Hight, 4-6. She's 54 inches. So make your guess to reveal all the other guesses and see how you compare. 4-6. What would you get? She's got a thick waist, thick thighs. Thighs. I'm going to go.

This is that tough. 140? Because I, well, I played this when you've, like, because we had this in the, in the script, but we haven't used it, like, for a few weeks, but it has been in there. And I played it, but I only got, like, dudes for, like, the four that I did, and I fucking nailed it. Like, I was, like, one pound off on every guess. Women is hard. Four, she, being four, six, like, that's little person's stature. I'm going to go one 55.

Okay. 155. 125. 125. One 20? Let's meet in the middle and go one. 37 points $1.40. My guess was $140.

So let's just Okay. We'll put in $140 and you guys will be wrong. Whoa! $160. So what I get? What's my $155 is my guess? So you guys are dumb? I was trying to get to the benefit of the doubt.

I've been hard on the women lately. You're not going to hurt her feelings. True. Next one, let's do one more. This is entertaining. Well, you didn't eat the pickle? Oh, let's get this guy. Okay.

6-4 He is lean Look at how little his legs are Yeah, he's a tiny fella But he's got some weight out of him 6-4 I'm going 190 Because he is

He's lean I'm gonna go 6-4 is big There's a lot of body there I'm going I'm going 210 210

I'm gonna I'm gonna change my What did I say? I'm going 193 Okay I'm going Oh okay Let's see what we got 203

Okay Okay, so I was closer Average guess was 196 Okay So anyway, if you guys want to play a dumb stupid internet game Bronte Longbrook It is actually

It is entertaining And it makes you realize that If you are taking care of yourself And all you're doing is following the scale Don't do it Whoa! Can we do one more? We can do one more One

Six foot And all gut If anybody watch the trailer park boys he's making Phil Collins look thin. That is all gut. That's a lot. We don't get the legs in there either, though. It's all gut, though.

325. I'm going to go 400, just because that's a lot of gut. I'm not going that high because it could be all gut. It could be nothing but drinking and eating wrong, but the bottom part, yeah, no muscle, so fat is lighter. The legs could be tiny.

His arms look a little tiny. He doesn't look like his boobs aren't matching his gut. He could have bigger boobs. my liking. How about 350? I'm going to go, I'm looking like it 290. Whoa! What are you saying, Zach? 325. Okay. So let's go 310, me in the middle? Sure. But if it's all gut, you know what I mean? All gut, no glory? Yeah. 3.7. We were off by three pounds. Wow. We scienced. We did the

fuck out of that science. But the website is guess my weight.com. I can spend hours doing that. I mean, there are some fit people. Yeah. And then you could also upload, whoa, that's a man tibis right there. You can upload your own and see what people think. Make you feel real good about it. Look at those man boobs. Okay.

Nice. Fuck yeah. All right, head over. Let's go hear from the kids. Okay. All right. Hey, Zach. Hey, good.

All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. I mean that whole tray That's fucking mushroom meat What the fuck are they doing upstairs? It's like they're doing a gymnastics performance

My kids are nonstop, dude They're going nuts I'll take this first one Does that sound good? Yeah, because I'm eating So our first email is an amazing one It's coming in from our cop son, Christophiser Cost officer

Get it? Cause cop He writes, hey daddies, it's your police officer's son I have a silly tale for you silly goose I'm a police off officer in a relatively large city in Colorado. I was working one day in plain clothes along one of our less than pleasant sides of town. Well, your town's big enough to have an unpleasant side

to decent size time. My role that day was to get dropped because he's role playing, was to get dropped off in street clothes so I can conduct surveillance on a pretty naughty fella. Get him. Then I would walk a few blocks away to get picked up on my partner

so I could gear up for the takedown. Long story short, shirt. I have a long shirt. That's how they wear him these days. I connected my phone to the car while we drove to the drop off location. I took my phone with me when I got dropped and did my thing. Then I got picked up again. My partner had a confused look on his face. As I was putting my gear on, he asked what I was listening to. And I looked over and saw that the car was still connected and your podcast was playing. Yes. Then I remembered where I was in the episode, you guys were talking about giving your grandparent pointers while they fuck or flicking yourself in the nuts when someone says hello.

Yes. Just top-tier detective work. I don't know how long he listened, but luckily he was in the Marine Corps and shares my sense of humor. Yes. That's perfect. You're like, what's that show about? It's like, I don't know, have you been in the Marine Corps? Yeah?

You're loving. You'll fucking love it. It's about crayons. It's perfect, yeah. it's about it's about coloring and not reading while i was attempting to explain the podcast our suspect ran from the contact team and we had to go tackle him this is not the first time something like this has happened your podcast has been caught on my body cam a few times and we'll probably get played in court guess i'll have some explained to do uh anyways hope you like my story

keep up the great work come on a ride along anytime you find yourself in colorado your cop son chris P.S. Zach, only you can prevent communism. He would redden the voice of Smoky the Bear saying, only you can prevent forest fires. I'm fucking working on it. Have you heard our Thanksgiving special? You're trying.

You're trying great. You can't wait for Thanksgiving, like, dinner talk. Nobody invites me. He's like, can you pass the buns? Can you also stop promoting communism? What? What? Yeah.

Thanksgiving is capitalism at its finest. Fuck yeah. You know, it's, I just, I, that episode of, I think you should leave, Tim Robinson one, where they're doing, they're in the courtroom and they're reading text messages and they're talking about a situation. And then they, the conversation takes a side turn. They're talking about a guy that's actually in the audience and they're going through this whole thing. That's what I'm visualizing is happening here where they're in court and they're reading back the transcripts of something. And it's explaining what the show is talking about. And everyone's in the audience. It's, you know, sitting here, listen to the thing, and then they're like, and then the show, like, you have, you're describing all the things that are happening. Do I really need to go back to the grocery store? Oh, is it that hard? Do I ask too much of you? It's like, wait, what?

It was on track and it goes derailed. And it's our show. Yeah. They were talking about, what if it was grandma, is it better if they're old, or would you rather see them when they're young? I don't know. Do I come? Laugh, laugh, gif, laugh, gif, la, la, la. the people in the jury or not the jury the whatever the grandstands the crowd i want to see

the crowd but yeah the audience it's so funny to think about all right you take it put your glasses i'm gonna eat mushroom uh our second email is a quick one but it's a funny one from our chitland yo chitland's who rats listening the episode uh listening to episode two where the would you rather choices are for way back yeah I remember when we discussed this, would you rather, and we were thinking about doing it for the episode one. And I remember thinking, like, at the time, my audience that I was making videos for was like, you know, moms, target mom. So I'm like, if I promote this and I'm talking about murdering my children, like, how is that going to go over? Not well.

So we were like, we'll save it for episode two. We'll give it a little breathing room. We'll ruin the franchise to episode too. But that was the actual thought process. I remember thinking, I don't know if that's right out of the gate. I remember when you brought that up, I looked, in my head, I was like, this isn't going to work. Yeah. I was like, if this is where you're drawing the line, this podcast is going to fucking fail.

Yeah, I mean, they've kind of, I could go there. I just had to kind of keep them separate. Yeah. So the choices were, forgetting how to read. Okay. Mm-hmm. Foreshadowing. You foreshadowing.

Or killing your family. daily. I mean, that was a really good one. You have to kill them, but then they wake up and they don't remember anything. They don't remember, but you remember everything. That's such a good one. I miss that. I would love to go back because it was episode two and I'd never done a podcast and I was

nervous. I would love the idea of like revisiting something like that and being able to really stretch out. I bet, yeah, if we grabbed them and put them in there and then just see where the similarities are and how we would answer them and where our brains would go

because we don't know like shit that we thought about then or missed we bring up now yeah it's a good thought I was at a time when my kids were really little and it's like

it's frustrating and you're going through those things and now I'm like I like the age my kids are at it would be much more difficult I think now to do it

because I'm like I actually really enjoy them now they've gotten a little stronger yeah yeah they fight back Joe is aghast at Brian's seeming eagerness to kill his family

we all know that Brian would never but would he boom well guess it turns out he chose for getting how to read believe in second episode Brian restored oh man

it's funny how that came yeah came all the way back yeah the reading thing it's like shit actually here I have carried some weight brother as you finish reading that

and tuck away your readers yeah there's some truth there brother All right, well, that was episode 181. 181. Something you want to see on the show. Send that in to, hey, guys, at can you don't podcast.com. Of course, subscribe on Patreon.

We're going to keep going. Do some more bonus stuff. And we're hitting all those honkathon goals. Be a part of it and subscribe. At patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Rate and review us wherever you listen to your show and go see what Uncle Zach is doing. I think he's sold out of the scatcast, Can You Don't, crossover cards. if he's not.

What a sellout, dude. Go check him out at scatcast.com. And a big thanks to the babysitters that moderate the candy don't playground on the Facebooks. Uh, wrapping things up. You have a little joke for us this week? Yeah. Okay. Well, Zach.

Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Make me laugh. Funny, man. So the other day, I just, I went on a date. You did? Yeah. What?

shit my wife's right upstairs I asked to meet up at the gym okay but she never showed up all right I guess the two of us aren't gonna work out oh yeah I get it

because the the gym thing I like to have to settle the gym the James when it's real serious oh the James yeah when it's in trouble or what about Jimmy when it's real loose yeah there you go

I haven't heard that one. I like that one. I got to hit the Jimmy. Got the Jimmy legs. All right. We're going to keep going. Thanks for the support, you guys. Love you.

Bye. Bye.