Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Earthquake. Flamethrower. Bus. Vegetation.

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

There's a lot of situations one wouldn't want to be in when an earthquake randomly hits... but being in the middle of getting a vasectomy seems pretty high up that list. Let's talk about that, listening to people orgasm for science, low qualifications for being put in charge of potentially saving people's lives, lying about being pregnant in order to save a relationship, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/cEgmIf7BHXkSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Earthquake. Flamethrower. Bus. Vegetation. 98 episodes? 98 degrees. Oh man, I don't know why I just had a panic moment. 98 episodes? 98 Degrees. Oh, man. I don't know why I just had a panic moment. It had nothing to do with 98 Degrees, but it got me thinking about LFO.

For whatever reason, playing... Is that the... I like girls that... And we just jammed that for an episode, and then it just couldn't be released it's the only one that didn't just uh so if you're not familiar with uh youtube everybody out there listening i guess i'll shine a little light a lot of times and we don't care you'll play a song and it says you can't monetize it so you can't put ads on it and then you make money on it if you monetize it they're going to get a cut of whatever money it would have been, right?

For whatever reason with LFO, it just said no. We couldn't even, there's one video version missing out of all 98 episodes and it's whatever one we played LFO on. So apparently, don't ever play that. They're strict. Yeah.

They like girls that wear Abercrombie & Fitch But fucking hate dudes That play their music On their podcast You know what That makes sense Just a couple away from 100 That's very exciting

We got a lot of fun stuff For you on the show today If you want the bonus content You sign up on Patreon You'll find a link In the episode description Go buy some merch Go check it out

At canyoudontpodcast.com There's a bunch of merch there. And if you sign up on Patreon, you get access to the exclusive merch. That Patreon show's been getting crazy lately. It's a little wild. Yeah. The gloves kind of, quite literally, the gloves come off. Take the gloves off.

If you have something you want to see on the show that includes confessions, which I, it's been a bit. I mean, maybe next week, maybe for 100, we'll do a confessions. i it's been a bit i mean maybe next week maybe for 100 we'll do a confessions yeah just like yeah send in let's get dirty let's get real naughty just let it all go uh-huh and if they're nice and juicy maybe episode 100 will be that we'll see we'll see how it goes i like a good confession i like a good i like girls that confess all of their shit. I like your pants around your feet. But anything you want to see on the show, send it in to heyguys at canyadon'tpodcast.com.

Just a quick reminder that I'm just going to go on a casual fucking hot air balloon ride. I don't know what to think about that. Which is, ironically, not planned this way, but it's just going to be a couple days after episode 100 comes out. So May 10th, I'll be down in Arizona and I'll be on a fucking hot air balloon.

I got asked by people that don't listen to the show. They're like, like, would you be interested in a hot air balloon ride? And I just looked at him. I was like, you have no idea how bad of an idea this is. And I love bad ideas. Are you going to let people know that when you get ready to go and when you make it back safe, if you make it back safe? Yeah, I'll try my best. If I don't, how funny would that be?

Everyone shows up to my funeral. They're standing there and just over the trees. My body's coming in on the bottom of a wicker basket and they just miss and slam into a tree or a power line that'd be sweet i just thought of a whole thing like that could be your they you could if you die let's say you die in this accident or in this uh ride let's say you have an accident and die in this ride that was a safe assumption just implied so after you get in a hot air balloon accident. Inevitably, when your balloon wrecks and you die, that would be a good way to cremate your

body, is we put it up in the air and then we just light it on fire and you burn and your ashes fall into a field wherever the wind takes you. That's the great thing about hot air balloons is you don't know. That's one of the best things about hot air balloon funerals is you just got to go where the wind takes you. That's right. You're a fucking burning casket just slamming into a neighborhood. Setting a force fire. Kids, you're screaming and you're just like on fire.

The lid pops open. It's dragging down the street. Kids are on their bikes. Screaming as a flaming casket comes barreling down the road. You look like that guy in New York that set himself on fire. What are you? I must have missed that one. Yeah, dude.

Protester just lit himself on fire. It looked like the cover raged against the machine. That's what I was just about to say. But it wasn't a monk. It was just some white guy. It was an alternative cover. Yeah, but I'm doing that. So, we've got a little countdown and I'll make a video. I'm not sure if I'm going to go live.

Just trying to figure out what to do about the fucking hot air balloon. I hope you make it back. Me too. And here we are joking about it. Last time we made jokes about your health, bad things happen. I ended up in the hospital And here we are joking about it. Last time we made jokes about your health, bad things happened. I ended up in the hospital. So maybe we don't do that. Alright, let's get this fired up!

You get it. Hey, shut up! It's not the show already! So steering clear of the would you rathers a little bit this week. And it's just more of a generalized question that has a lot of, I guess, ins and outs to it. Repercussions, maybe? Maybe.

No, actually the opposite. If you could do literally anything you want, 100% consequence free, but you only have 20 years left to live to the day. Would you do it? So I just turned 41. So that would put me at 61. Right. I mean, that's, that's a good, if it's, if I'm 61 and I, I might be a grandpa by then. I don't know if I, you know, you might have some little grandkids running around you might not be ready to leave but anything anything that's a wild 20 years and i and i have a hard time thinking about like what i would do with consequence free right but i also know that

once i it would be like getting a little taster like a like a costco little sample little sample sample they'd be like i don't know i mean i'm bored i guess i'll rob a bank right and you're like it's just one bank and then you do it and you come out with whatever money and you're like hold on i can just keep doing this and nothing is going to happen to me where do you put the brakes on okay i have i have a thought right away on that okay it's i don't know how so when you play a video game let's say you play red dead redemption do you when you play a game like that when you have a choice like you can either blow the guy's head off or let him go i let him go and blow his head off okay because like i it sucks i would like um i want i'm thinking about replaying the game and going full like

full-on just like screw you but because what i tend to do in the game is my real personality comes out and i like i let the people go so like the the bank robbing thing, when I think, like, would I want to rob a bank? Because you're still, like, you're affecting people. You could terrify, like, your consequences are fine. But are you okay with scarring people for life? Well, that's depending on how you rob the bank. Yeah, but this is, like, not not just robbing the bank, anything. Let's say you're like, I want to go out and I want to do something, but whatever you do is inevitably going to affect other people's lives.

So are you willing to affect someone negatively so you get your rocks off i'm trying to think of a situation right i mean just that given the example going off robbing a bank where you come in but you're just you're the nicest like maybe you have a little comedy routine and you're like they're jokes and like they're laughing like you come in on your cycle yeah whatever you whatever you want okay you got a fake mustache on you got jokes in a unicycle and you roll in there and you make them laugh. And they're like, oh my God, it's the best day at the bank. This is the worst robbery I've ever been a part of. This is great.

And you're like, okay, with that said, open the cash register. And they're like, whoa. So you wait. Yeah. But it doesn't say that you have to point a gun at them. Sure. Or anything like that. It's just consequence free.

But I guess if you're not aggressive enough, you're not going to get back there. Like, they'll be like, no, I'm not opening the vault. Like, I'm just going to call the cops. Like, they're not going to do anything. It's going to sound crazy, but I can't get into trouble for 20 years. Sure. Sure. Like, okay, like you can call him, but just.

And trust the guy in a unicycle. Who are you going to trust? In your fucking fake mustache, solving a Rubik's cube, riding a unicycle. Like, what are they going to do? You can're just fucking fake mustache solving a Rubik's Cube riding a unicycle. Like, what are they going to do? You're going to trust the cops? You're going to trust me? Trust me.

Like, okay, well, watch what happens when you call the cops and I'll be here tomorrow with brand new material. And the cops show up. They're like, all right, Brian, get out.

They're just like, what? He just tried to rob us. We're like, nothing we can do about it. And then tomorrow, they just hear like, squeak, squeak, squeak, squeak i guess you're like like down the sidewalk and you just come rolling back in you're like you see your you see like balls juggling through the window shadows of juggling balls you just roll it all right stop me if you heard this one yeah yeah yeah do the same routine right

like see just open it i'll split it with you. Like, there's ways around it. Yeah. Like, I'm with you. Like, playing a video game, I tend to do the right thing, even in a fucking fake world. Mm-hmm. I mean, fun to... I feel guilty about shooting a bear, even though you're supposed to hunt it. And then sometimes you snap and just do something a little weird.

Mm. Like, hang it. Pillage your evil out. Come on, guys. I know. Like, sometimes, just for funsies, you'll go into a neighbor's house and lasso them and then hang them off a cliff. But that's not what you'd normally do. Hook them to a train, watch them fly behind like a kite.

Yeah. Sure, I could do that. Sure. But I know, but I am a little worried about the like the trickle effect, the trickle down of once I start doing it, like, okay. Like, and I read this as consequence free being about the law i don't know if consequence free is about death right is it like could you get shot but it's that you're fine like you're basically superhuman for 20 years if that's the case i'm going 20 years i think you can live more in those 20 years than whatever the fuck you're doing from 61 to when you die.

Yeah. Well, really all of that is, is like watching your kids grow up. Yeah. It's, it's watching like, and,

or if they have kids, it's like missing out on that. And if you're okay with that, then fucking go hard for the next 20 years. How fun is it? Really? Yeah. I don't know.

Would you really miss it? I don't know. It's hard to say. Exactly just ask him to send some pictures you'll be fine i'm like is it that i mean sure it's cool the key is uh but is it not letting or going out in a blaze of glory before your kids have kids right so then you never met your grandkids yeah but you're also doing like some really cool stuff before that i feel like the consequence thing has to be like you can't get arrested it's just law um but you could still die yeah well that's scary too then if you're trying to rob a bank you're risking just someone some hero shooting you and not understanding that you're just here for a good time a good guy with a gun i mean for a good time not a long time literally i ain't gonna be around

long but i'm gonna have a hell of a time right now like yeah gambling and like just shit i don't know consequence free is a wide net i feel like maybe you're like superman so like you robbed the bank you can't get arrested you can't be um you be shot, but it just bounces off your chest. But it could have hit somebody else. Well, that's their problem. That's on them. That's on the person shooting the gun. And that's on them for not being fucking Superman.

Right. Not your problem. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's, you know, like, I'm not going to apologize for being Superman. 20 years is a long time. Factoring in kids. That's, I mean, that changes things.

I don't even know. And then also having faith that you're gonna make it past 20 years from now like fucking who knows so you skip out on just being insane immortal being that gets to do literally whatever they want see what when i when i think about whatever i want i don't think about like breaking the law i think about like i'll go on whatever roller coaster i'll bungee jump i will um skydive because i'm gonna live like that well you're gonna live anyway but yeah maybe no chances are pretty high i mean i'll even go on a hot air balloon what yeah now that's crazy yeah who the fuck would do that yeah dude that's just if i had zero repercussions that's

the first thing that i would do i've always wanted to do this i've always wanted to just go way up here and just look i mean it seems really cool i just i would i would be paranoid the whole time i'll let you know so um yeah i i don't know like i i think going skydiving just doing all that crazy oh you know what i would love to do is a squirrel suit, like a wing suit. The flying suit, yeah. Like where you just fucking. Through the alpines. My fantasy of being a goose flying above the water, that's the closest thing that I think is to that.

So if I knew I could do that without dying, that'd probably be the first thing I'd do. Man. I would go to Switzerland or wherever and fucking go for it and you know it's weird now that i'm you know just having more time to think about this i was thinking about robbing a bank but why the fuck would you need money yeah you literally just go take whatever you i love that that's the first thing i was thinking i will go fucking uh you know wingsuiting and you're like oh robbing a bank i was just trying to killing some old lady i was trying to be a naughty boy yeah but you wouldn't even need money because you just walk in the grocery store and grab your shit and walk out well all you'd have to do I was just trying to be a... Killing some old lady. I was trying to be a naughty boy. Yeah. But you wouldn't even need money.

Because you just walk in the grocery store and grab your shit and walk out. Well, all you'd have to do... You wouldn't have to rob a place. You just... I guess robbing would be the most efficient way. It'd be the quickest way. Yeah. Hurry up.

I got shit to do. Yeah. I have to still go down to the store and steal some bread after you open up this vault. That would be kind of crazy if everything you did if you just robbed everyone all the time so like you just leave the house with bags instead of going to buy grocery you're like you just know you're going to rob a store and how calm you would be because you know there's nothing that's going to happen to you yeah taking cars wouldn't have to work like literally maybe grand theft auto i'm going with i'm picking it i'm picking it

i'm in 20 years i am too i am too because it's like what a life what it's playing grand theft auto uh in real life but you also don't have to kill people you don't have to kill people if you don't want to you could you could if you choose to but you don't have to you just everything is free and have you ever driven just been driving down the road and you're like i could just just like i could wipe out an entire family yep every day i think about that just i don't think about it i don't think about it because i want to but it's the idea that i have that much power like i'm driving down a two-lane highway and if i want to i get to steer into this car and kill an entire family yeah and nothing would stop me i could just do it yeah the amount of like just that's responsibility that everybody just is staying on their part of the road you're just yeah and it's like we're gonna kind of talk about

this later but the idea that anybody at any time yeah is in charge of right i think that's about the best segue we could possibly ask yeah for all right so you're picking 20 years zach i'd go on a world tour to 216 countries and punch world leaders in the face oh i thought you were gonna say like you take your guitar and go to like rv shows all around the world wonderwall every time yeah i think i just slap you know presidents you just drive around looking for rv shows fuck yeah they're the best audience. Look for the rainy ones. Settling for a used car dealership. With cold ass hot dogs.

Okay, 20 years. That's a good chunk of life. It is. But if you asked me when I was like early 20s, I don't know if I'd pick the same thing. You'd be like, there's so much life. I'm like, this doesn't get better. Right. Yeah, because then you would be out at four.

If we said 20, we'd be ready to check out now. Right, exactly. I'd be out here at 58. I feel like this is the best ever so far. Right. 41's not what I thought it was going to be. I thought it was going to be old and decrepit. No, you're killing it, dude.

You're killing it. All right, Zach, let's move on. Come on. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? So I had... I think about this kind of shit all the time every time I'm on a plane. We're talking about planes again. But it's not just planes. This goes to a lot of different things. But the first thing that came to my mind was an airplane situation.

I was flying today. It was fucking crazy. Guess what happened? What? Nothing happened? Nothing happened. Well, when was the last time you sat in an emergency row? Two weeks ago.

Did they ask you if you were competent? They did actually have a funny story about that. Do you want to finish setting it up before we get into that? Unless it's you want to get to it. Sure, I can. Okay. There was this old guy, and it was both. It was just two people, two humans that were so set in their way.

But when you have to sit in the emergency row, if you've never done it or you just don't like airplanes, the stewardess or flight attendant, whoever, they walk up there and they explain where the card is to read. And then they ask you and they explain where the card is to read and then they ask you and they said i need a verbal yes and then they go down the line and they look at you and you have to go yes yes yes and everyone in my my side of the plane yes yes and then the other side of the row yes yes and then old man in the corner goes yep and she's she goes she does the like this and goes to turn to the next person and goes back to him and he stares at her he goes i'll do it and she goes sir i need a verbal yes and he goes oh my god yes like you're so annoyed and she goes thank you and then he's and then she walks away and he's here i'm just going

oh jesus i'm here back in my day and then unrolls his fucking four-foot newspaper he just starts reading the sports section but he was just so yep and then she almost let it go. And she couldn't do it. Because yep doesn't work. Yeah, I can do it. And she goes, that's what it was. Yeah, I can do it. He goes, no, I need a verbal yes.

Yes. What do you want from me, lady? I said I will. Thank you. Yes. And then on to the next person. Yes. Yes.

Anyway, that was my fucking guy. That's the exit story. Well, this directly involves that sort of thing. I was on a plane, wherever the hell I was, I don't remember. It's so funny to me that when they do that, they go up to the emergency and they're like, are you competent to do this? And the people are like, yes. And then they go through it like you just did. And then,

you know, then they just go on, they just move on. They say, thank you. And they're like, cool, cool.

That's sick, bro. And give you a fist pound. Yeah. That's dope. Like, okay, well you're in charge of everyone on the airplane now.

Right. It's so, you are now the most important person on this airplane. That's crazy to me. That is, yeah. It's a little wild. Do we know if this person, how they react in stressful situations? Because when you're sitting on a plane and you just want to get to your location, you're like, yes, I can handle it.

Yes, fine. And you fall asleep. Yes, and you just want to get to your location, you're like, yes, I can handle it. Yes, fine. And you fall asleep. Yes, and then you just go back to watching Friends. Yeah, you go back to whatever it is that's distracting you from your boring ride. So, I don't know. You could be, of course you're calm now. You're just trying to get to Disneyland. But what if shit goes down and everyone's looking at you to make sure that people get out safe?

Yeah. Are you really competent to do that? That's crazy to me that no training. Like, you got to train to be a pilot. The people that are flight attendants, they go through, like, they have, you know, you have to got to train to be a pilot the people that are flight attendants they go through like they have you know you have to do certain things to be i don't know what the qualifications are yeah but you go through some sort of a training and then they're just like hey jim can you get everyone out in a stressful situation we might land in the water and you're

in charge of of opening that door and getting people out everybody in this section yeah you cool with that yeah yeah you cool with that yeah yeah it's good dude we spent billions on a plane but we can't figure out how to get that door open without you buddy yeah it's all riding on you something tells you that door is going to be wide open if that plane crashes so the plane crashes and gets fucking oh man like half the front of the plane is missing still trying to get the door The waters coming in from the front Like that that person's supposed to

Just like like they should be asking do you have military training? Yeah, like some sort of like no like then get the fuck Yeah, right and see girl. I that's i'm not saying you should do that but it's like it's crazy that something like that you shouldn't have to like when you're buying a ticket let's say when you're buying the ticket it should say like do you have some sort of uh a background in leader like just anything to be allowed to be in that seat it's the list oh it's so funny the list of jobs that qualify you for emergency room exit stuff it's like cabinet maker refrigerator door manufacturer anything with hinges but right now it is it's kind of like have you ever opened a door before yeah all right you're

good you ever have you ever picked up a man opened a door before? Yeah Alright you're good Have you ever picked up a manhole cover And went in the sewer? And you're like yeah Okay you got it You got it Have you ever Yeah

Have you ever turned a Have you Isn't that what it No it's a handle now isn't it? Yeah I was First time I was thinking It was like a big safe thing Where you're like

The wrench to get in like a safe Yeah yeah Gold Gold bars behind the door and she just doesn't want to deal with it she just keeps lowering the qualifications she's like okay like this is 15 different careers in he's like no she goes have you ever walked into a house he's like yeah he goes okay you're good you've opened a door have Have you opened a door? Yes, I need a... I'm pretty sure. How'd you get in here?

Well, the door was already open. They're automatic doors on the airport and I live in a tent. Yeah, you just walk in. So you've zipped and unzipped a tent? Yeah, you're good. And then move on. No, you got it. Jesus, I hate this job.

He's just fucking so over it. No, but I get you. Like having some sort of trial run, because people would do it in order to get the extra leg room. They would go through like, you have to go through TSA pre and get those qualifications in order to skip the line. If you want extra leg room, then maybe go through a tiny little training course online that qualifies you to be able to be seated in the emergency row and the reason i bring this up it's not like i think people need some sort of special qualification but you just don't know how someone's going to react in a stressful situation you could be like you like you just there's normal dude but when you get in a stressful stressful situation

average you maybe your your brain like you just freeze and you don't know what to do and now that person's in charge yeah and it so it just makes you think like like that that's just one aspect like just that there are so many things out there that we do every single day that like we we let our kids get on a bus that some guy has a license to drive the bus, but we don't know anything about that guy. I mean, how well did he do? Did he just pass? Just well enough for you to put your kid in there? If he has a bad day, he could drive all of our kids off a cliff.

Like when you go to a sporting event, we used to ride the bus to wherever, Yakima. Like you go up hills and you're driving around cliffs he could just be like yeah no thanks i botched it yeah fuck it he goes fuck i'm not retaking this bus test again yeah like he lost his license he has to go retake it tomorrow yeah he's like i'm not it's such a pain in the ass i must rather drive this bus full of kids off the cliff yeah and there goes an entire generation of children yeah one guy doesn't have to take the test again, so we have to look at the positive. Yeah.

That's funny you have brought up seatbelts, because this is something that— I didn't bring up seatbelts. Oh, sorry. I was talking about, like, you feel this person is qualified and you're safe in the vehicle. So buses, and then I was thinking about school buses, and kids aren't wearing seatbelts inside inside there anyway and then i have to still talk to cassie when we're in an uber and like she won't put her like her seat belt on and i'm like cassie this is just a dude like we're in some random person's car yeah that can also get hit by another car all he did was sign up yeah he signed up and got cleared that's all he did you are not safe

like this is not a professional environment all right and she's gotten better like she'll look at me and like make sure i just like like watch her click why doesn't she just put her seatbelt on i don't it's just she's not wearing all the time no she does but just not like in an uber i have no idea so bizarre like you're not any safer back here like you're less safe yeah i have no idea what happened but it's just one of those things where you're like ah like i'm. Like, you're less safe. I have no idea what happened. But it's just one of those things where you're like, I'm in a cab, I'm in a bus. What's the worst thing that could happen?

All it takes is the person in charge having a bad day. Yeah, or just being a normal person, but he's just driving you around. Well, yeah, and then you're counting on other drivers not to plow into you. Bad shit happens to Ubers, too. But yeah, so yeah, emergency door. but like uber is a perfect example going to a restaurant assuming everyone isn't itching their balls and making your food like oh they are we've heard those stories yeah

like it's just we're just okay with that uh but then so then you get into things like, let's go to a theme park. Yeah. And I'm going to go on the Scorpion Death Coaster. 2000. 2000. It's a brand new ride. Supposed to just be. It used to have the world record, then it just got broken. It just got broken. But for five years, it was the highest in fastest.

And it's terrifying. Yeah. But then Dubai built one, and now it's the second highest fastest so the guy at the fair yeah those rides yeah that's even worse it's even worse absolutely we're gonna go backwards but so like the fair it's usually like some carny that's like in his you know 20s 30s 40s you know they 50s 60s they've been around the block human they've been around the block. Adult human. They've been around the block. They party hard, but they work hard too. Yeah, I hear you. But you go into a theme park, and it's some 15-year-old kid with acne.

Mm-hmm. Like, his voice is squeaking. He just walks down the line and taps your seat. Yeah. And it's you and your kid. And he's like, okay, just gives a thumbs up. You're like, are we good? Yeah.

Because I hope we're good. Because I feel like this play in my headrest or my whatever, the vest fucking belt, whatever it's called. Harness. Harness is not safe. Let's say fucking little Timmy, his girlfriend broke up with him. And he's having a day where he's just like kind of mailing it in. Like that's all it takes.

And you just you just put we just we just do it like look i'm gonna go bungee jumping like i hope this guy straps me in right or the zip line like i hope he didn't miss out on a carabiner yeah i hope you test the bungees before today and then you go and then it flashes back to them testing the bungees and they're just slamming beers and getting high instead. And they're kind of yanking on it while it's tied to a chair. They're like, yeah, that's good. That's the way it was yesterday, right?

Yeah. We were fine yesterday. Hook them up. Hook them up. Let them jump. Or you just go on a hot air balloon with some guy. They have to go through the FFA or FAA. Is it Future Farmers of America?

You have to show at least one cow in order to fly a hot air balloon. That's your first guest is whatever cow you bought at 4-H. You put it in the wicker basket, take it up with you. And you send it up. Yeah, it's like putting a monkey in space. It's like, well, I'm not going. Yeah, we'll see how this, see what happens. See how this goes first.

But any one of those fucking things, it's like, I'm not trying to scare people because you still go out and do all those things. I just think it's hilarious that certain things don't need like crazy qualifications. And I'm not asking for crazy qualifications. I'm just asking for, when I go on a plane, that the person that's going to open the emergency door and be responsible for everyone's life, getting out safe, is competent enough to do that. I have one more vision of the airplane thing that we're going to slide off

to a nice dick today. He's going to take the whole thing in. And we're going to sit on it for a long time. We're's gonna take the whole thing in and we're gonna sit on it for a long time we're not gonna get off of it we're gonna bring it in um but the airplane situation it the whole it's fucking going down shit is on fire and then you have best case scenario the calmest guy but this guy's way too calm he's sitting there and you're like everyone's screaming and praying and you look over and he's reading like sitting in the chair reading the emergency exit thing but the emergency exit pamphlet's on fire it's like burning from the top he's like he's trying to put it out he's like hold on there there's an order of things look at one he's like showing it to you as it's burning

down like god damn it dude you're too calm you're. You're like, God damn it, dude. You're too calm. You're scaring me. He goes, I'm just learning. Or you should have read that beforehand. He's like, yeah, well, woulda, shoulda, coulda. But I'm reading it now. So you guys can keep it down. And he puts his readers on.

Everyone's screaming over the top. It's just like the whole plane's jumping. Everything's on fire. He goes, okay, so number two. Hold on. What was number one? Number one, grab the handle. Number two, pull the handle.

That can't be right. Number one. He's like, oh, wait. Oh, number one burned off. Shit. Oh, God. Okay. So number two.

Anybody remember what number one said? Okay. Let's move some dick. Okay. All right. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it interesting? Is it cool?

Then it's Dick. Hi. I'm an audio file. Like? Isn't that what they call it? Audio file? Like you just geek out on audio stuff. Oh, I thought you meant like an audio, like a wave.

No. I am an audio wave. Downtown. The, uh, something audio audio i so this came across the internet this week and i just thought about the process of this guy and it just got funnier and funnier when i just realized what the what he was doing what he was trying to accomplish so this guy analyzed 34 hours of orgasm recordings to find that people come quietly. That's what he came out with?

Yeah. So that's what he came up with. So if we go down to the article here. Wait, why is it? Don't do it. Oh, it's faded out. You don't need the whole thing. It wasn't doing this on my other computer.

Why is it only? So if you've ever watched even a few minutes of porn, which I haven't, you know, that being performatively noisy in bed, moaning, gasping, screaming, et cetera. Who writes out, et cetera? Dicks. Get a grip. Oh, you pompous ass. Well, they also use performatively noisy. That's a little bit too pretentious. That's one of the most common

features of performing sex, especially in the heterosexual kind. In porn, where there's like, Take that dick, bitch! Give me that dick! A researcher in Sweden analyzed thousands of crowdsourced

recordings from an orgasm sound library and found that getting loud when you're close is less about performance or urging one's partner along and more about involuntary expressions of enjoyment. Here's the guy. Audrey Anikin?

What'd I say? Not what I just said. A cognitive science researcher at Lund University in Sweden wrote that this is the first study to perform detailed acoustic analysis of authentic sexual episodes, and that it paints a more complex picture of vocalization during sex than we may have commonly believed. The paper was published back in a March issue in a peer-reviewed journal, Evolution and Human Behavior. Anakin. What'd I say?

Nothing, I was just doing the anakin voice like skywalker anakin downloaded 3528 audio recordings from the orgasm sound library projects website yes okay so two things i mean i've always liked and i feel like i don't i don't come across them wink nearly as much as i would like is when like a certain study like this gets funding like we talked about it with uh this phone right you know millions and millions of dollars to recreate a dead mummy's voice and then this yeah that's what they came back with and that's just always so funny to me. The climax. Yeah. That's the climax. And I remember reading one.

I don't remember the exact amount, but this was years and years ago of a whole scientific study was done to find out if fans actually made coal or it made the air cold. Right. So, I mean, no, it doesn't. It's windchill. So just because it's passing through a fan doesn't cool the air down so when you leave the house you can turn your fucking fans off it's not going to make your house cold it's just how your skin perceives the air it's not actually making colder and it was

like millions of dollars for these people to fucking figure that one out and then now you look at this guy now you look at mr anakin who spent all this time going through 3 528 recordings to just be like that's not very loud he spent 100 million dollars people like sex right and these people have families and like this guy like he gets home i'm guessing walks upstairs from his basement of a long day of analyzing orgasms and And he's exhausted. What's for dinner on? Yeah. And he sits down.

He's like, he scoots in and he looks at the kids. Like, how was your day at school, kids? It was good, dad. Anything, anything new happen? No, not really. He goes, oh, okay. Like cuts into his pork chop, you know, dips. He goes, he goes, thanks, babe.

This is awesome. Thank you so much. Takes a bite. She goes, yeah. So what are you working on again? And he's like, Oh, what was I working on?

Oh, what was that again? I mean, a lot of ins and outs. There's a lot of crazy stuff. Um, like the big one right now is I'm just in the basement listening to orgasms. And she goes,

Oh, like she's trying to be supportive. Yeah. That sounds interesting. Wow. Interesting. You know, what are you trying to find out?

I guess mostly it's loud or quiet. And she goes, so how long? Ah, the last six months. Can you pass the salt? You've been listening to orgasms. Where do you get them? I get them online from the Sound Orgasm Library. And she's like oh wow orgasm audio yeah and he's he's like scooping up some potatoes he's like yeah first of a kind first of its kind yeah it's a groundbreaking your hubby's doing it again

first of its kind no one's ever done this before and she goes what do you think that maybe no one's done it because nobody cares no one cares ever done this before and she goes what do you think that maybe no one's done it because nobody cares no one cares there's no reason to do it and he's like no i thought that's how that's what i thought at first yeah and the more i listened i realized like pretty quiet it's pretty quiet yeah yeah so she's like so what what did you find well well let me tell you believe this so like normally you'd be like like orgasm pretty loud right and she goes yeah and he goes no no not at all pretty quiet it's kind of the exact opposite she's like no i wouldn't i've never had one he goes okay and then a little silence he goes so

can you help with dropping the kids off on two he goes no i wish i could i got the bluest balls in america yeah no i wish I could help him out I got two and a half thousand more orgasms to listen to and analyze the data there's a pretty definite trend out of the first thousand just when you think you're done with orgasms

you get one of those outliers someone's like oh and you're like is this quiet? how's this going to affect the graph? The bell graph? It's just mostly the same than, oh! He hops up 10. He's like, well, that's going to skew the data.

But what the fuck is this guy doing? So anyway, I just couldn't imagine. You're not even watching it it's like it's one thing to watch it and be like and see the reaction but you're just listening like some guys like oh she's like oh yeah yeah yeah and you're like oh wait was that and then because you're you can't see wait was that it was that

was that the orgasm oh nope they're still going oh no no no the she faked it quietly no but the uh yeah it does bring up the thing of like yeah you're a little louder when you're with somebody than by yourself by yourself you could be dead quiet if you want to you could be dead quiet with someone else that's not the fun of it the fun of it is being like you want to be fucking this birdhouse where do you want it yeah where you want to fucking come how many birdhouses do you have i'm gonna fuck them and i'm gonna come in them because that's what you want can you help move my ladder i don't want to climb back down my feet are tired it's time to fill up this birdhouse with some seed put some seed in this house uh anyway that

was it want to talk about more dick okay great you got the next one will you punch your computer joe uh punch it it's going nuts okay did that fix it it sure didn't oh shit all right brian you start reading the next one i'm gonna try okay um this is this is a joe do you neither of you have vasectomies i do not have a vasectomy no no i don't either it's sweet all right so moving off to petty beef yeah i would like to know i mean from some peeps out there that do have them, like, are you happy you did it? Because that's one thing I've kind of wondered, like. I'm sure. Just for a little added safety.

Yeah, lots of added safety. Like, I mean, I could get one. I don't want to have more children. Yeah. I mean, for us, it's just a pull-out thing. She's not on anything. So, it really is. You're going to have another one?

No. No, I don't have sex. You're like, for me personally, it's a pull-out thing. I mean, I just pull out and cum on my own stomach because I'm by myself. I don't have sex. It would be kind of funny, though, if you pull out and then you've got to put it in the butt. So you still get to jizz in you got to put it in the butt. What? So you still get to jizz in.

Yeah. So you do it in the butt. That worked? Yeah. Yeah, I do that, by the way. Okay, back to you. Do you? Yeah.

You pull out from the front and go in the back? Yeah, I've done that. Are you surprised? No. No, it's fucking sweet. Back to you. Cream pie in the butt? Yeah. Okay. All right, man getting vas to you. Cream pie in the butt? Yeah.

Okay. All right, man getting vasectomy. Brown pie. Go ahead. Back to you. Back to you, Johnny. Less about the brown pie and more about the vasectomy. I'm getting a...

That's a fucking Harvey Weinstein. All right, man getting vasectomy when earthquake hit, thought doctor was making a joke. Justin Allen, a 33-year-old father of two from Horsham, Pennsylvania, got a whole lot of attention on social media Friday when he posted about his experience during an earthquake that hit the East Coast around 10.20 a.m. with a preliminary magnitude of 4.8. Let's not jump to conclusions here. Yeah. And let's just say it struck while he was in the middle of a very delicate procedure. A fucking awesome! A fucking earthquake

happened in the middle of my vasectomy! He wrote Oh, fuck. Oh, I just got lightheaded. He wrote on X Formally How long are we gonna have to do The X formally Twitter thing?

Like we all know that It's formally Twitter If you're using it You know that That's what happened Yeah I get it Fuck off

Um Alan explained to Hubpost On Friday that he At 10am Appointment scheduled At a urology Surgery center In Huntington Valley

And that started out Totally normal I was thankful To have a surgeon That walked me through Every single step appointment scheduled at a urology surgery center in Huntington Valley, and that started out totally normal. I was thankful to have a surgeon that walked me through every single step of the procedure. About 10 minutes in, though, into a 20-minute surgery, the whole room started shaking. This picture of this guy outside the urology health surgery center. Getting it. Getting clipped. About to get clipped.

Oh. surgery center. Getting clipped. About to get clipped. So, Alan reacted to the rare event, like other East Coasters, by reaching for a logical reason for the surreal situation. At first I was wondering if we were close to a train station or if there was something else that could be causing the room to shake like that, he said.

Either way, I didn't initially think it was an earthquake because I'd never really felt one before and i'd never gotten a i've never gotten a second before either next to a train station so who am i to judge yeah there's someone out there that did get a vasectomy next to a train station he goes dude it feels you that's freaking me out crazy dude but it was mine was just the train i know the exact feeling. It was nuts. But then the surgeon addressed the elephant in the room. When the doctor said, it's an earthquake. Or wait, is that an earthquake? Yeah.

I still thought it was a joke. And then he was just trying to lighten the mood. God. Some guy, some guy is snipping around your ball sack and then is cracking jokes. I'm all for, I'm all for for, like, real, realistic people. It's like, oh, you know. In intense situations. Yeah, it's like, yeah, let's be real.

But it is kind of funny, like, he's down there, like, cutting wires and shit by your balls and dick. And he's like, what is that, an earthquake? When I, I mean, throwing out any sort of, like like what actually happens, the procedure during a vasectomy. Obviously, they're not doing what I'm about to say. But for whatever reason, I picture this is what's happening with these two dudes. You got this dude. He's laying down. Dick's out.

And you got the doctor. And like he just like doing what doctor stuff does. And he reaches up and grabs his dick and starts shaking it. And he goes, oh, is that an earthquake? And the guy's like, what? He goes, look what doctor stuff does. He reaches up and grabs his dick and starts shaking it. He goes, oh, is that an earthquake? The guy's like, what? He goes, look, the whole room is shaking. Helicopter. Starts slapping it on his belly.

Must be an earthquake. This doctor's just been waiting for the perfect moment to swing a patient's dick around. He finally got it. He's like, this joke is going to be a hit. He's like, you've got to jump on that opportunity. He goes, no, I think that is an earthquake. Will you please quit slapping my own dick against my stomach? Would you rather be mine?

I'm assuming they'd probably give you something so you wouldn't get hard. What? What? Like, while you're getting it. So if you... I don't care if it's a dude or a chick. If someone's grabbing my wiener and swinging it around,

blood's gonna flow to it. Yeah, but that's not... Yeah, but they don't do that during a vasectomy. What? Swing your dick around. Well, I know, but I'm just saying, like... So, if he starts doing that, something's gonna happen. It's part of the procedure.

It's all part of the experience. VIP package. package yeah and this is and this is where you pay ten dollars more check this out and just starts fucking whipping your dick around whoa whoa doc is that safe this is what you this is what you asked for yeah you you got it you upgraded you think i want to be doing this and he's like he's just so bored helicoptering your penis okay we're done here. He goes, thank God. You got to read the fine print. Pulls his mask back up and goes back to cutting your tubes. That's so, you got to be so exposed.

Like, when my wife gave birth, she was on this table. And, like, she was basically nude. And, like, the thing was coming off. So, she's just naked. And, like, just, you know, like, trying not to shit herself. And the baby's coming out. Just completely exposed. I couldn't.

And now I just picture like I'm laying there with cock and balls hanging out. And then people are just having a conversation. Like, well, all right, scalpel. And they're like, what is it? Oh, does that look normal? And you're just laying there. Like that isn't normal. Because are you out or are you.

I think you could probably choose. This guy was up. Would you want to go out i wouldn't care 20 minutes i don't i don't care they see so many dicks like that's my problem but they don't they don't fucking go i know that's why i'm saying like it's i wouldn't care i wouldn't care well yeah you've got a big old dick i would have to get over it i'd be like dude they, they cut dick stuff is what they do for a living. Like they're sick of seeing penises. So for me to be like, maybe you shouldn't got into that. Like maybe you should move on to something else.

If you're sick of cutting dicks. Sick of cutting dicks. Not my fault. Grow up. It was a high calling, sir. Yeah. Go listen to your,

or go listen to orgasms in the basement. Sick of looking at dicks. Really spice things up. But yeah, I just think... The guy's... No, he does both. The guy's... He's got his headphones on listening to Orgasm.

While giving vasectomies? Giving vasectomies. He's like, ooh, that one was kind of loud. But doesn't explain what he's doing. He goes, man, that was kind of loud. And he just goes back to working on your dick. You're like, what is he doing? Earthquakes are pretty wild.

I mean mean assuming all of us here have been in an earthquake of some sort yeah well mild and quick yeah i slept kind of like my sex life huh i slept through one in california my wife was running out the house and getting the kids out and really me and my son we just slept through it it's pretty good pretty good size though yeah they are weird like you really don't know what's happening for a little bit because it doesn't make any sense over and you're like wait was that an earthquake right has anybody ever been during an earthquake going is this an earthquake it's always like it stops oh was that an earthquake and then you have to figure it out yeah you start putting a piece

together yeah like i at least at first i remember being like is that a is there a giant fucking truck driving by like what, what is happening? Because you just get that low rumble and you see things starting to move and you're like, that's a really big truck. But I've never been like in a wobbly floor earthquake, just shit shaking around your house. You're saying things are shaking. I'm just visualizing being on the surgery bed and the thing starts shaking and your wieners is going. It's just like a vibration plate. It's just going like this.

And the doctor's like, can you please stop doing that with your dick? I thought you were doing it. No. Oh, shit. Is that an earthquake? Wait, and then it's over. Wait, is that an earthquake? That's how they get to an earthquake.

The doctor's like, can you please quit shaking your dick? He goes, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Your whole room shaking. He's like, yeah, right, dude. And then it stops. Oh, that must have been an earthquake.

It must have been an earthquake. All right, anyway. So you're done shaking your dick? Okay, let's take a look, right, dude. Oh, that must have been an earthquake. All right, anyway. So you're done shaking your dick? Okay, let's take a look at Petty Beef. Zach! Silence in the court! You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated.

The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Oh, hello. This is a clusterfuck of a Petty Beef sent in by our son, Danny. He writes, hey guys, not something I usually do. And I had to bust out the laptop to type all of this out.

So here we go. I cheated on my girlfriend this past May. Oh, God. So this was sent in a little while ago. Clearly, considering it's almost May again. Yeah. Neither knew about each other. After my coworker found out I was seeing someone, she then told me she was pregnant.

At first, she didn't want me to be a part of the kid's life, and I was actually kind of cool with that at first. I already have two other kids with two other women, and I didn't want the additional drama. After five months, I decided I couldn't do that to the kids, so I told my girlfriend that I wanted to be a part of the kid's life. She got mad and left me. Fair. I then told my coworker that we could work on a potential relationship because it would make life easier if we had the chemistry. Two fucking days before I was to make the first doctor's appointment with her she said that she miscarried now at seven months pregnant you don't just

miscarry you'd have a stillbirth and that comes with like a certificate and everything she said i don't danny the way you worded that god she said she's got a she's holding it all right smile she said she could not provide me with the paperwork. She's a big girl and sometimes big girls don't know until pretty late into a pregnancy, so that's why her not showing didn't throw any red flags for me. Nothing about it makes sense to me anymore, so I think she has never actually been pregnant. So she is also upset that I've been ignoring her now and asked me, are you not in a relationship? Are we not?

Are we not in a relationship? Do we not are we not in a relationship? Do I have a right to be mad and ignore her now Danny did send in a ton back an additional email? That I couldn't find at the time of putting this petty beef together But he did find out that she was not actually pregnant So so she lied about she lies you she wasn't just confused she actually lied yeah and when he wrote in this piece he didn't know at that point but he was saying he goes that's not that's not how that how that works seven months into it it's not just like oh yeah whoops like that's that's a baby right yeah yeah yeah so he well i mean he he cheated on the ex-girl but so that that i'm just i'm assuming

that previous relationship is yeah he told her and then she left is yeah for good like you're not gonna go you're not gonna take you back i don't think i didn't get that update yeah maybe imagine going back and be like okay so i know i cheated on you and i want to be in the kid's life but here's the thing yeah it was like kind of weird thing happened she never she wasn't actually pregnant so so we're good what i should have done is just not ever told you yeah right but we're so we're good so imagine we're good imagine i didn't tell you and you didn't know pretend like that didn't happen that didn't happen can you do that can we just keep going like with this she's like yeah i guess so yeah okay cool She's like, yeah, I guess so.

Yeah. Okay, cool. He's like, I could, personally me, I could forget about it. I could forget about it and move right on and we'd just pick up where we left off. Yeah, I mean, the whole thing doesn't bother me one bit. So this is really a you problem. You just start spinning it. This is on you.

This is on you. Oh, we're done? Oh, we're done? But that's your decision then. Because I'm fine with what I did. I don't even remember it. I've come to terms with it. I don't even remember it. I've come to terms with it.

I've come to terms with it. I forgot about it. And I could easily pretend it didn't happen. But you can't. We could have sex right now. I'd be into it. That'd be fine. I mean, if you get pregnant, then I'll tell the other one.

Yeah. I'll tell the girl that I'm still sleeping with that it's over because you're pregnant. Right. And I don't see an issue. That's a commitment. Oh, Danny. Danny. Danny boy.

That's a lot. There's not a whole lot that you can really. Yes, he has. So no matter what he did, whether it's cheating or not, lying about being pregnant to save a relationship and then ending up not actually being pregnant, pretty big deal. Right? So I don't think that he there's anything wrong with him being mad and ignoring her because sounds like everyone's fucking up

like i said it's a clusterfuck yeah he i mean he put himself in it yeah so this is the type of shit that comes with that like it just it's gonna blow things up so that's where you are that's what happened uh but that doesn't mean that just because of the gigantic mistake everyone gets to do whatever they want you don't just get to lie about being pregnant and then be like well you're not talking to me anymore i don't know because you lied about being pregnant yeah i think that's a pretty yeah pretty good like what's how do we build on that? Yeah. What else could you do? What else are you lying about? If you're lying, literally lie about being pregnant.

Lying about being pregnant is such a, because when someone gets pregnant, let's say it's an accident. And a lot of people, then they like, okay, well, let's work this out. Let's start a relationship. Let's, you know, that you say, okay, I'm pregnant. You've, you've now like kind of paved your future. A whole new path. Like, it's, it's like, this is okay. This is our entire life trajectory has changed.

The future is completely different. And then just be like, I wasn't really pregnant. Yeah. You're like, like fuck i was even though danny fucked up yeah but still it's like you know you have i think that he has a right to be upset even though he put himself in a shitty situation he's still not just a lot allowed to lie about fucking being pregnant to try and piece together relationship i feel like it's a wash so hear me out he fucked up and then he got lied to i think you should cut his losses oh i think just and just forget about the other chick just move on

yeah she's mad whatever just move past it everyone needs to move past yeah yeah i hear you zach you have any input on this clusterfuck? Not really, no. That's nuts. I mean, you shouldn't lie about something as big as a baby. That's pretty fucked up. Yeah, I hear you. He picked a baddie. Yeah, he put himself in it, but yeah, I'm in that same boat where you just can't, just because you got there.

That's his fault, but that's your fault for lying about being pregnant. That just sounds like such a mess, dude. Reading it, I felt bad for everybody. I can't imagine waking up and like, I got to deal with this today. That's just something that's just in your life you're dealing with. But I guess I've tried my damnedest to not do something like that right i guess so well and then him being in that situation i guess explains why we get such funny would you rathers you know oh yeah like yeah danny's danny's going through it we love you buddy

i yeah and you know what like i don't i don't i hope it works out but I kind of like the chaos that you produce, that you give us for content. So keep doing this stuff. Keep doing you, dude. Don't change. Don't go changing. Don't change the servers. Don't go chasing waterfalls. Stay cool.

Stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used to because we love it. Absolutely. Thank you. All right. Let's take a look at some good news for this week. All right the lakes that you're used to. Because we love it. Absolutely. Thank you. All right. Let's take a look at some good news for this week. All right, Zach, you ready? So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray.

We are doomed. Yeah! Yeah. All righty. You ready for some... Happiness? Happiness. Yeah, like some hero type stuff?

I am. Okay. I've never been more ready than right now. Hero Taco Bell manager speaks out after life-saving CPR on baby in the drive-thru. Whoa. Yeah. That is pretty cool. All right.

There's nothing quite like a mother's instinct in a quick-thinking mom's act of heroism at a Taco Bell drive-thru saved an 11-week-old who had stopped breathing. Probably because they just ate fucking Taco Bell. Could be. That is not healthy. It's going to do it. Natasha Long pulled up to the Richboro Taco Bell outside of Philadelphia. Dude, Pennsylvania's got some shit going on. With her son, Miles.

Hey! Spelt the same way as mine on saturday afternoon when uh she heard him struggling to breathe and gotta check oh god it just like makes me sick my stomach uh check out when to find he was blue and lifeless that is the fucking worst uh talk about manager becky arbo told Good Morning America That while working the lunch rush I heard a scream and then someone yelled out Call 911 The baby is in the freezing Probably sounding just like that

And then I pictured some woman in the background Just going Just screaming Letting it go She doesn't even know what's going on She's three cars back. She's screaming for no reason. She's just pissed she didn't get her fucking burrito Sabrina.

Yeah, where's my fucking chalupa? I said no onions. So fucking onions. I said no fucking pickles. I threw my headset and ran outside to the baby. The mom was panicked. I told her to give me your baby. And I performed CPR.

I was trying to calm her down and comfort her. And I reassure that it will all be fine. See, this is the type of person that should be sitting in the fucking emergency. Not the mom. The mom shouldn't be sitting in that seat. Mom froze up. She froze. I want the Taco Bell.

See, you think the other way around. I don't want some stoner working at Taco Bell sitting at the emergency door. That's on you for thinking that that's what all Taco Bell people were. That's your fault for stereotyping. It's on you. She just saved a life. She just saved a baby. Let's see.

The baby finally started to breathe. And the ambulance came pretty quickly. And then they took over arbo said the emt said i saved his life as a mother of four herself with two boys and two girls arbo told gma she knows how to perform cpr because my daughter had issues when she was little and i had to do cp on her cpr on her a few times that's just being in a situation where you're trying to save a baby but also calm someone down at the same time like it's like this yeah it's like it's like tapping your head and rubbing your belly yeah uh but like yeah you're doing cpr but you're also shut up yeah like it's

gonna be fine why just staying alive sing it with me. Staying alive. Staying alive. Huh? Huh? Just trying to do two things at once. But man, what a quick thought. Get out there. Be able to save a baby's life. When you just like hear a scream and run out of a Taco Bell and pull it off.

Would you be able to? I have forgotten. I knew CPR at one point. So I don't know what I would have done, but I feel like I would have just started doing something. But I feel like people would just start doing like the back smack oh the heimlich heimlich smacking no well the heimlich's the front you squeeze them not on a baby yeah well yeah but is that technically that's not technically the heimlich then right yeah because you can't push

on their belly so you hit them from the back right so it's not the baby heimlich i don't know what you want it what is it called i don't know but the Heimlich. It's a baby Heimlich. I don't know what you want it, what is it called? I don't know, but the Heimlich was invented by Mr. Heimlich. Yeah. I think it's still called the Heimlich maneuver just for a baby. Trying to get something, it's stuck in your throat. Oh, he did, nah. You think he did both? He came up with both?

He was just waiting so long for a baby to start choking on something. Mm-hmm. And he tried the normal way, and he goes, that didn't work. And he just put the baby down and took notes. He goes, got to come up with a new baby Heimlich. Smack forehead didn't work goes, that didn't work. And he just put the baby down and took notes. He goes, got to come up with a new baby. I'm like. Smack forehead didn't work. Smack forehead didn't work.

Pulled ear lobes. Didn't work. Didn't work. Did magic trick. Didn't work. Rode unicycle. Didn't work. How am I going to save this baby?

Clicks his pad and just leaves. I want to know if there are doctors or nurses in the audience. Because I have a thought on something that I don't. I've never looked it up to see if this is correct or not. But I've had situations where like my younger son, like he'd be chewing on something and you go, and then someone will smack their back thinking, oh, they're choking. But in my head head that seems wrong like if they're not already if they're not something's not lodged seems like smacking in them in the back would be the worst thing you could do because you hit them they'd be like like dude it would frighten them and then they suck the food down even farther yeah or jolt them forward and yeah shoot the food back because but you hear like and then someone

just immediately smacks it seems like you you should dissect, like, you know, analyze the situation. Like, are they choking or are they just kind of like, ugh? And then if they are choking, then you move to that. It just seems like that'd be the way to go to me, but I don't know. I'm not a doctor. I'm just some guy that. It's hitting kids. You know?

In a pizzeria. Yeah, I'm just some guy that enjoys hitting kids, but I'm not a doctor. I've accidentally saved so many kids' lives. Yeah. Just by hitting them. And I'm like, thank youzeria. Yeah, I'm just some guy that enjoys hitting kids, but I'm not a doctor. I've accidentally saved so many kids' lives just by hitting them. I'm like, thank you, sir. The guy's just getting you out of my way. He wasn't even choking. Yeah. Oh, my God.

I didn't even know I was choking. I know. You're welcome. Yeah. They call me preemptive man. Call me Miracle Brian. I get off the fucking sidewalk. I'm trying to mow.

All right. Okay. Let's move on to this crazy little fun thing you can get. Get out of the way of the fucking skee-ball thing, dude. Get out of the fucking sidewalk i'm trying to mow all right okay let's move on to this crazy little fun thing you can get out of the way of the fucking ski ball thing dude get out of the fucking way nerd quit choking on cheese zach the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out. Together. As a couple.

Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! I understand this isn't for everyone, and I actually would never get this. But it is a little insight into where we're going. Okay. And that's exciting. This is called the Thermonator. And you know you can get flamethrowers.

I mean, Elon Musk makes them. People make flamethrowers you can buy. Also, Boston Dynamics, that robot company, they make those little dogs that can walk around, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. You've seen the robots. You can do all the tricks, and they are basically built to carry heavy equipment, and you just can't kick them over. That's like a crazy robot. You can put them

together and for nine thousand four hundred and twenty dollars you can have a robot dog that has a flamethrower on its back yes dude look at this oh my god look i know exactly what i would use it for dude i would send it out to my driveway to to all the fucking snow off. Get the snow off, dude? How sick is that? Dude, that, an army of those. Just that, this in the wrong kid's hands would be a fucking disaster. Imagine a thousand of those sending them off into battle. Think they could burn themselves?

They're probably fire retardant. I would think so. But how, that is fucking nuts, you guys. Like, this thing is shooting. battle do they think they could burn themselves they're probably fire retardant i would i would think so but how that is fucking nuts you guys like this thing is shooting i mean i don't know how far that that scream is maybe if i 20 feet 25 feet uh it weighs 37 pounds and then that's it it tells me the dimensions um but you can get like different little oh my god fuck but this thing it's not it's not joking around i mean it's it's. But this thing, it's not, it's not joking around. I mean, it's, it's a flamethrower. It's not going like a measly five feet.

This thing is, is darting. Wow. Anyway. So, um. You can just buy that thing? Yeah. Just go ahead. It comes with the flamethrower. It's not just the robot and then you attach it.

It's. It's both those things together for $9,420. Add to cart. Oh, yeah, free shipping. So it seems expensive, but it also seems cheap at the same time. It does seem cheap. I don't know what to measure or compare it to. And it's only going to get cheaper, which I think is...

Right. That's where I'm going with it. And it'll shoot farther and farther. But you're going to have a tiny pocket-sized thing. Yeah. It would be just like the size of an RC car, like even smaller, with a flamethrower on it, and you can just like wheel it over to your

Oh, dude, imagine having a drone just fucking dropping They have drone flamethrowers, too. The future is wild, guys. And it's on fire. Do you trust these guys with the emergency seat, the emergency exit, if they own one of these? Does this show that their ability to be responsible? Responsible. Good decision good decision makers depends on what they're doing and they

guess to be burning ditch a bunch of farmers using the therminator yeah that's what that thing's going to be used for is just practical things i'm sure yeah there's no way it's going to get out of hand i feel like someone that's messing around with something like that and has a good grasp of that it's probably, they probably got some sort of... They got a brain that... They probably... I don't want to stereotype here. Could pull a latch and kick a door?

Yeah, but someone that's got something like that, I feel, has been in... They could handle some situations. Yeah, I think you're right. You know, they're not just some average Joe that hasn't been around the block. Yeah. They've been around the block. Yeah. They've been around the block with a flamethrowing robot. Yeah. And they got 9,400 bucks to spend just randomly.

Yeah. This is my emotional support robot flamethrower. Flamethrower robot dog. It has a little vest on it. Please don't pet. Please don't pet. Service animal. You're like, not a bomb.

I'm not a bomb. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Running through the airport. Shooting flames. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. I'm also not a bomb i'm not a bomb not a bomb not a bomb running through the airport shooting flames not a bomb also i'm also not a bomb he's just two dogs two dog robots heading down to baja sniffing each other's robo butts with a fucking flamethrower not a bomb not a bomb come here come here gotta go not a bomb not a bomb not a bomb here i come here i come not a bomb i'm a dog that's badass yeah it's pretty badass i do my so my dad has uh he had a he worked in the irrigation so they did a lot of burning so i would go over to his house and like

he would he would rake up leaves and i every, about every other weekend in the fall or whatever, he would be burning leaves. So he had, he had a flamethrower. Uh, and so he would, it was one, it was like a. Like the torch kind. Yeah, the old torch kind. So he would burn that and then he would go along the dishes and burn, like that was just part of his job. So I was around that, um, a lot and he let me burn some burn some leaves so um i've always thought about like that's what i should get instead of shoveling

the snow what am i doing i should get just a flamethrower to go out there and just just get it all off there i don't know how more people don't do that it's something i've been thinking about for a long time. Yeah, I've seen some videos of people doing it. I mean, you're going to deal with just melted, depends on how warm it is, just turn into water and freeze into ice. What about a heated driveway, man? Heated driveway would work. Yeah, but that's not nearly as fun.

Right. True. But you get one of these robot dogs, and you just send them out to, instead getting like a plow let's say your road doesn't get plowed you're like you're on i'm not on an arterial so you're like fuck when's the plow gonna get to us you everyone has one of those neighborhood and you just send them out and they just fucking fucking throw yeah just send them down the street like five of them next to each other and just flame throwing snow everywhere. That'd be fucking sweet.

I'm in. That's only 50 grand. I know. It's less than a proper snowplow. You know what I mean? Snowplow is probably half a million. All right. Let's hear from some of the kids.

Let's get rolling on that. Hey, Zip! Hey, you guys! All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow.

That's cool. I do. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. I do. All righty. Your first email is coming in from our brave daughter, Brittany. Brittany. There's so many different ways to spell Brittany. And this is like Britanny. Britanny.

Hello, Papa Joe and Daddy Boyan. Boyan. Boyan. I have a couple of poop stories. Yes. You let me read this one because of that. Because of poop? I have a couple poop stories for you from when I worked at Subway and McDonald's.

Talk about a footlong. Mick Footlong. McDump. So the first one is from when I was working as a sandwich artist. Jesus Christ. You're killing it. Working as a sandwich artist at Subway. I worked at Subway from when I was 16 years old until I was 20 to 23 years old.

This was a total of eight years. So I'm working through Lunch Rush with some of the coworkers, one being my manager, when a customer comes up to us and says, there's a huge mess in the bathroom. You never want to hear that. No. I'm on the register. So I ended up having to be the one to go take care of this mess in quotations in the bathroom. So I go out back, grab a roll of paper towels and a bottle of bleach and head to the bathroom.

I, okay. Well, let's just say a roll of toilet paper And bleach Was not going to be enough For this mess I open the door And turn on the light And all I see Is shit everywhere Flamethrower

When I say everywhere I mean everywhere The mess looked like A person had diarrhea Was at the toilet And just stood up And spun around Spraying

Everywhere Whee! I'm dizzy It was somehow on the ceiling, the floor, all over the toilet and the wall I would quit Next to directly across from the toilet I don't know how this happened But they had diarrhea and their whole body exploded

That sounds like a murder scene where there's blood on the ceiling and everything. How'd that happen? They put all the little white rope, the strings, all leading to this shit. Trying to connect the dots? Yeah, see where they're hacking away. Was this guy doing a somersault?

If he was a gymnast and he did a front handspring at the right time, that's enough for us to get that shit up there. He's on a pommel horse just spraying shit. Oh my God. Picturing gymnastics with diarrhea. Good times. All right, back to you.

The vault you're running under. Going over the pole. Stick it. Okay. Where was I? Okay. The next one is when I was working at McDonald's. I didn't work there for even a full year before I walked out and quit after someone...

Good. Threw their cup of soda back through the drive... I've seen so many videos of people doing that. Milkshakes and shit. I know. Of course, it reminds me of zips and the... I said no fucking pickles! And just threw the bag

of hamburgers back through the window at some like fucking 12-year-old. Cool move, dude. And he was, all he did was just hand the food.

He didn't make it. He's like, I didn't, sorry about the pickles. Want me to just take them off or make a new one? That would have worked. Or you could have just

taken them. Or you could just scream at me and throw a bag of hamburgers at me. Or you could, you just take the pickles out of yourself of yourself yeah that's one way to look at it um because i made a mistake sorry sorry about that i'm 12 uh so i walked down quite after someone threw their soda through the drive-thru window covering me with it because it was the wrong soda but when uh but on to the poop story associated with the reason for this email.

I was working the front counter this day and when my manager comes up to me and says, Hey, since you work... Hey, I just found the perfect fit for you. Hey, since you work with poop from animals cleaning out their habitats at PetSmart... You work with

shit, right? Correct me if i'm wrong yeah but you like you've pushed poop around and said on your resume something about the handling feces or you picked up poop or and stuff yeah cool there's a lot of shit in the bathroom get on in there i've never had to do anything i your expertise i I mean, who could top it? Go in there. Someone with a repertoire like you could definitely work this. What would take me 45 minutes is probably going to take you five. I'm just going to mess it up.

And that's just bad business. So I'm going to keep working here. Because we run on efficiency here at PetSmart. Making Big Macs and handing people the right soda. You go in there and pick up shit. Thanks. Bye. Okay. Why don't you go take care of this mess in the bathroom you said i don't know how this mess and hamster poop ended up being the

same thing but it was like someone was standing up in the toilet and just exploded it was all over the wall behind the toilet the toilet was covered and all over the floor as well it was green and gross and smelled just awful just as awful as it sounds i had gloves on and the bleach and paper towels and probably should have had a hazmat suit man hope you enjoyed them you love your daughter britney do we see the same fucking guy will we get the same mcdonald's my old man diaper story well as we're throwing up in his fucking sweatshirt? This sounds like the same fucking guy that was at her subway thing, too.

Yeah, he's just following her around. I think he's stalking her, and he's shitting all over the place. So she'll have to clean it up. It's like sending a dick pic, but different. But like shitting in bathrooms at restaurants. But you know what I'm saying. It's basically the same thing. The idea is the same. Yeah, you like shitting in bathrooms at restaurants. But you know what I'm saying. It's basically the same thing.

The idea is the same. Yeah, you get it. You get it. Well, I'm sorry about your fucking past, Brittany. That's rough. Our second email coming in from our son Kyle who writes, So here I am, stoned playing Clash of Clans and listening to Tennis Ball Cowboy Childbirth Garden Hose. I didn't have a choice in the Would You Rather. I'm'm 100 the guy juggling tennis balls on a unicycle also i feel kind of attacked being

called a disappointment by my dad's no first abandoning me and then insulting me and i'd love to have a west side story battle with another unicycle gang can you seriously say that wouldn't be a goddamn blast no it would it would be. Yeah. Can't say that. Here's a video of me, Orange, and my buddy, Blue Clubs, juggling while riding unicycles and filming on unicycles. I also juggle and breathe fire and Highline. Oh my God. Google Highline hot air balloon.

I've seen that. Where the hot air balloons and they have like the tight rope between the two. Oh yeah. From your son that kind of joined the circus, but instead spends all his money to do circus shit while living out of a van or truck to do more circus shit for no money. Three out of five stars. All right.

So he just, I mean, he sent in a little video. I'm just going to click play on it here. But there we go. There he is. Definitely riding a unicycle and juggling. Proud of our nephew. Yes. Or my nephew.

Your nephew. It's our kid. And don't ever forget that. Sorry. You can have him on the weekends okay just don't do anything weird that is impressive it is impressive don't touch him but it's just funny that like how precise of a situation we gave and then a listener was like hey that's exactly me that's literally me as i'm listening to your show you assholes like down to the color of the unicycle, honestly. Yeah. Can he do that with flaming things? Oh, that's a good question.

I'm sure he could. If he does breathe fire, I'm sure he's tried it. How come the juggling things are so similar to bowling pins? Easy to grab, nice weight. Yeah. I feel like maybe there was some connection there. Like, I mean, it's the same audience. Like, which came first?

I mean, someone who bowled. I've never met a bowler that can't juggle. You ever met a bowler that couldn't juggle? And vice versa? You show me one, and I'll show you a liar. No, but I could see someone just getting fucking a little bored bowling he's like what if i could toss these things around he's like oh shit this is sick i think it's a nice weighted shape it's safe it's a way the weight distribution allows it to flip over a little handle somewhere to grab yeah i mean it makes sense but i still think there's there's like

some connection that we're not aware of. Yeah. Because they are really similar. That's the next lap time. The whole thing was just about why juggling pins and bowling pins are shaped the same. On it. On it. It's going to be great. Super good. Well, kind of like those milk jugs at a carnival that you throw over with the softball, try

to knock over. All that weight's at the bottom. That's how they get you. $5. Right next to the glue. All right. Well, that's episode 98 get you five dollars right next to the glue all right well that's episode 98 yay yay moving right along super fun we'll keep talking and if you want to hear us keep talking and saying dumb weird shit sign up for it on patreon patreon.com slash can you don't podcast pick whatever tier is right for you uh follow us on instagram and facebook at the video version if

you go search for can you don't podcast on youtube you have something you want Follow us on Instagram and Facebook at the video version if you go search for Can You Don't Podcast on YouTube. You have something you want to see on the show, like confessions or a petty beef or just weird shit,

you juggling riding a unicycle, send that in to heyguysatcandyoudontpodcast.com. Get your juiciest confessions in for a big one. Yeah. That would be a lot of fun. Rate and review us

wherever you listen to your podcast and be sure to go check out everything Uncle Zach does. He doesn't only talk about communism but sometimes Scat, scat, scat.

Go to scatcast. More like communism. You know what I mean? I get it. Fucking yeehaw. We got one in. That was the first one of the episode right there.

scatcast.com and that's scat with a K and then a big shout out of course to the babysitters that run the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook if you haven't joined go join the whatever 20 something

thousand people that are in there just trying to get us shut down but we do our best to not do it alright I got a fact for you on the end of the show Zaki good god wrap it up already huh so a user his email address anyway, it was Kixir.

So I don't know what their real name is, but they sent in something. They sent like a comic in, and then I looked it up, and I was like, fuck, I didn't know that. So it was inspired by Kixir. Did you know that moose can dive up to 20 feet underwater and hold their breath for up to a minute they can dive to either cool down or to eat underwater plants in the colder months he can only hold his breath for one moose have flaps that close over their nostrils to prevent water from rushing up their noses and it's also why in like alaska and shit that one of the main president predators of moose are orca whales.

Because they dive down and then whales fucking eat them. That's nuts, dude. 20 feet? What can't a moose do? That's terrifying. Yeah. Like imagine you're just kind of like you're, I don't know, you got some scuba gear on looking for clams. And a moose comes swimming up next to you.

And a moose is just like... Just takes a big bite of vegetation, just stares at you, and then swims back up. You're like, what the fuck? Okay, I mean, okay. If you did that, and you saw that, is there a weirder... Like, is there a weirder situation that you would be like, this can't be happening? Well,

I mean, like, yeah, practical weird. Yeah. There, there are things that you could think of, but like,

that's such a, like a fish out of the water type of thing where like, what, what's the last thing you would expect to see swim next to you when you're scuba diving? Moose. A moose. I think a moose is up there. Yeah. Like I'd sayose is up there. Yeah.

Like, I'd say, I'd pick a bear. Well, but bear fit, like a polar bear, you ever gone to a zoo and you see a polar bear swimming around? Like that, even that is like not. It's not that crazy. Not that crazy. Panda bear. How about that?

Yeah. Koala bear. For some reason though, a bear doesn't seem that weird to me swimming. It just like, it doesn't matter what bear. A moose just isn't built. It has the opposite of any sort of aerodynamics. That's what I'm thinking. They have huge reverse fins on the front that

are stopping them from swimming. Yeah, and skinny. Bears have got the body to like, I don't know. Swimming seems fine. But a moose, it's like long, skinny legs and huge antlers. It's just such a weird...

Holding its breath? Yeah. Hello. Excuse me. I just picture the... God damn it. It's so weird. It's the worst feat for this.

Yeah, hooves. Swimming with hooves? I'm sorry. Like, bear have big paws, you know? Like, you see it. Scoop, scoop, scoop, scoop. It's like they fucking, yeah, they can scoop. Just keep scooping.

That's so weird. Hooves. I don't know. Yeah, moose. Probably because Rocky and Bo Winkle, but moose always sound like that in my head. Yeah. Oh, dude. Who are you calling?

I'm going to come get the vegetation. That's fucking weird Here I go And terrifying Here I go Just keep huffing Excuse me Alright, off to the bonus now

I'm picturing like somebody floating down the river And A moose coming through Like you drop your phone and you're like You're looking for your phone and a moose brings it up Yeah, it's like it's like hook in his either in his mouth or in his antlers. You're right the fuck your iphone 15 was stuck in my vegetation Here you go. Have a good day. Have a good day and the moose just goes

Oh, that's so funny, he thinks he's being so sneaky but like a like a shark fin is just fucking moose yeah i can see you moose no you can't yeah that's even that's even dude that's even kind of funny like a shark thinking they're so stealthy but they don't know that their dorsal fin sticking out of the water that's's funny, too. I'm so stealthy. Dude, I can see your fucking dorsal fin. No one's going to see me right here. It's an eight-foot fucking moose rack. I'm safe. I'm just getting my vegetation.

Okay, let's get to the bonus stuff. Okay. All right, do a bye thing. Bye. Bye. Outro Music