Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Finger. Antifreeze. Doug. Forearm.

Episode Date: October 30, 2024

It's hard to imagine surviving a fall from 100 feet, let alone surviving a fall from 650 feet into a volcano! Let's talk about that, a doctor that refuses to wear gloves while touching your junk, being locked into a gym membership for life, sticking your finger inside a mall Santa's butthole in order to make him talk, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/mvIUarPU2e4Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Finger. Antifreeze. Doug. Forearm. Every now and again I forget that you can clean glasses I just think that this is my world now Dude, it's all just blurry and splotchy I was like, Brian's blurry today That sounds like a him problem No, I just gotta wipe it off your glasses Can you imagine if you were just like Blurry

It's you plus this now What's going on with the world out there? Everything's blurry And you're like, did you fix your glasses? Oh shit, I can do that? They never told me that What's with all the words out there getting blurry? It's just the world, brother It's just the world you live in

Get your eyes checked, baby Got my gloves back Feeling good, feeling tough Looking strong I go into my little office space in there and i'm like where is this fucking glove and what's it doing what's holding up the shelf that's what yeah yeah of course it is i'm guessing it was sitting on the shelf yeah sit on the shelf it was laying there holding it up but it's like uh what would you say uh what

what's the word for uhically? So, you know. Well, it was. It's not literally holding it up, but it's figuratively holding it. Figuratively business hands. Yeah, just holding up my shelf. You took it off and it goes. All my bobbleheads. First time ever.

You take something off a shelf and then the shelf breaks. Yeah, I put a lot of bobbleheads on there. It hasn't broke yet. Episode 124. How we feeling? Feeling good. Feeling good today? Yeah.

If you want additional content, we lost track of hours. Don't worry about it. Just know there's a ton of hours available to you if you do not follow us on Patreon. Thanks to everybody who does. You'll find a link in the episode description. But if you just want to remember it with your brain, patreon.com slash canyoutubepodcast. What the fuck was that? Well, there's a sticker.

There's a goose sticker on your computer. I was just going to do a goose honk. And I don't know what happened. It was like when I tried to do the elephant. It wasn't even close. My bad. If you wouldn't have laughed, I'd have been like, I don't know brian's just doing brian stuff brian slept over there send stuff into the show the email address for that is hey guys at can you don't podcast we got the merch in the store by the time this

episode comes out you basically have uh today to get it done unless you do follow us on patreon that comes out a couple of days before that, but the contest that we have going, and thanks to everyone who has purchased a can you don't merch off of can you don't podcast.com, but anybody who buys something between way back when, what, like a month and a half ago to Halloween,

you can, well, you will be entered into the grand prize drawing and then you choose whether you want to send us some random shit. We'll sign it and send it back. Or you can leave that decision up to us. We'll just pick something and sign it and send it to you. So there's that.

And speaking of sending shit. Maybe we'll find a homeless guy and just cut off his dick and send it. I know. And then now you're part of a murder thing. Well, he's not going to die. I'll cauterize it. Put it in some snow. What was that article we read a he's back keep it fresh yeah he just did shrooms and chop his dick off with an

ax talk about a bad trip can you imagine no waking up later and you're like whoops whoops yeah shit i knew i shouldn't eat in the whole bag i it's just gone. But we have one of our kids. I keep forgetting the microphones in my face. I'm sniffing. Yeah, that's the season. Tons of people are sick. That's better. It sounded like Zach's horn.

I'm happy to help. Will you blow it? This could be great. But thanks to Jackson Deal. He sent all of us different packages. What's the deal with Jackson? Jackson. I'm not going to read all the notes, but I got like a switchblade comb.

Yeah. And then I got a butterfly knife comb. Oh, I was wondering. I thought that was just in here. That's from him? Yeah. Oh, that's sweet. And he said both should be TSA friendly.

I'm not going to risk it. Don't worry. I wouldn't risk it uh and then got some scat cast merch did you say there's a butterfly it's a butterfly yeah fuck yeah dude try it can you do it oh with these gloves on yeah it's just i'm instantly a butterfly this is the michael jackson bad video right here. How do I... I mean, I know how to do something. But like... Yeah, I want to... Ow! I didn't know I could get hurt with a comb butterfly knife. I'm telling you.

Those guys in the movies, they're always like... It's like a nunchuck. I'm sure it's like just watch one YouTube video and you can figure out where to hold it. Oh, probably.

Flop it around. And you guys all got stuff. Zach, what did you get? I got some cool stuff. He sent me a scat roast toy that we put out in our coffee bags okay and he painted it he just sent it back yeah he gifted it to us but all sorts of cool stuff a great book he's right he just writes shit coffee and sends it back to you how dare you how dare you no he painted it like uh one of those figurines because it's a figurine. Oh, cool. Really well done. Awesome. And then there's some cool buttons and a book and cool stuff.

The notes in there, everything, it's very positive, uplifting. What did you get, Brian? Actually, so the bread and butter of this would be the Sergeant Slaughter G.I. Joe. Yeah. It's right on the screen here. Front and center for the ones watching the video. I didn't have, oh, I guess I can untie those.

He looks like he's locked up. He looks like he's being crucified to the cardboard. He's being stopped from slaughtering. Yeah, they stopped the slaughter. Sergeant Slaughter is being stopped from slaughtering at the moment. He's just Sergeant. Please, call me Sarge. Yeah, just call me Sarge.

Right now, I can't slaughter. Slaughtering is off the table yeah until later but just whatever anything else i can help you with yeah so i got that and then a nice little letter yeah of course and i don't know and then i got a scat poke card nice yeah and then some stickers now i don't know so this says hiss laugh love and it's a little possum oh yeah that's pretty sweet. I don't know. I just assume maybe he made these, but I don't know if he did.

Okay. If he didn't, cool. That's okay. It's still cool. But if he did, extra cool. Yeah. Extra awesome. Yeah. Thank you so much, Jackson.

We appreciate that. Thank you, Jackson. And if anybody wants to send in physical gifts, we love getting them. You'll find the P.O. box in the episode description. And of course, with a lot of cross... Oh, wow. I was going to do a Sergeant Slaughter impression. You maggot!

There it is. He's still maggots! And a lot of crossover between Can You Don't and Scatcast. Be sure to check out Scatcast if you haven't. Everything that Uncle Commie Zach's doing. Speaking of Commie, do you remember when Sergeant Slaughter was in his heyday? And he was fighting all the bad guys? No, but did he do a good job?

He fought the Iron Sheik for America. Well, they're still bad guys. And then he joined. Oh. He joined the bad guys. And so Hulk Hogan had to go in there and set him straight. Actually, that was

right around the time, that was around the time, 1990, yeah, that was what war was going on? The one? Cold War? No. Desert Storm. Desert Storm was going on and it kicked off. Oh yeah, World War I. They started bombing and they

kind of had to cut that whole angle of the wrestling. Slaughter's like, I'm going to join the enemy. And then he's like, oh, fuck. Just kidding. This is bad. Just kidding. Suplex. Yeah. We're doing a flong on the show today.

Got that sweaty ass hog. And we're going to get into everything right now. Should we fire it up? Yeah. Zach, fire it. Do it. Fuck! Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Alright. This was sent in by our daughter, Erin.

And it's silly. Would you rather have to stick a finger up someone else's butt to have them speak or have to stick a finger up your own butt in order to speak? Oh, can I propose a change? You can if you stick your finger up your ass. Okay. I just, what I wanted to, when I was finishing reading that in my own head, I was thinking, I can't read.

No, that they actually have to stick, or you have to get them to stick their finger up your butt so you can talk back to them. Oh, it's just a butt exchange. Yeah. So like if you want someone else, wait. Yeah. Let's say I want you to talk. I got to stick my finger up your butt, right? Yeah, that's what it says.

Yeah. Let's say I want you to talk. I got to stick my finger up your butt, right? Yeah, that's what it says. But then if I want to respond, you have to get them to stick their finger up your butt. What a nightmare. What porn set am I on? Do you want to stick with that? Or do you want to stick with the what do we have? Because it's a would you rather. It's this or that. So either you have to figure someone else's butt or you have to finger your own butt in

order to talk. But how annoying would that, first of all, like trying to be secretive about fingering your own butt to have a response. What do you think about that? One second. Hold on. Let me think about what I'm going to say here.

There it is. Yeah. You're just like, and you're like, I think it's a great idea yeah just give it that yeah trying to be subtle about it would be pretty funny but i mean on the surface yeah you do this number and you're like oh you rub your ribcage yeah

work your way down whatever the fuck i just said rib cab rib cab and you do this one you're like oh you rub your rib cage yeah work your way down whatever the fuck i just said rib cab rib cab and you do this one you're like you can't say anything yet and you're like i think it's a good idea well you'd have to just what do you want to do today and you're like just like pretend you're popping your back and you're like i think we should go to the park okay so this scenario let's say you're going to propose to the person of your dreams. Yeah. You're down on one knee.

Down on one knee. Beautiful ring. And she's like, no way are you really going to do this? She's waiting for you to say it. And you're like, hang on. One second. I should have worn boxers.

You open the box. There's no ring. Oh, no. And that's your excuse to go back there. And as you're fishing for the ring out of your asshole, you're like, you mean so much to me. You know what? So I give it. And then you have to shut up.

Get a poop covered ring. Gross. It should slide on easier. It'd be a reminder to don't marry that guy. Or the dedication That something like that takes To be able to walk around with a ring in your butt A world

Where nobody can talk Unless you finger their butt Is wild Like getting a confirmation at a restaurant Like ordering some food They'll get a number one blah blah You got all that And they're just staring at you.

And you're like yes I got all that. Imagine if you went through the drive-thru. What would you do? No drive-thrus for you. No. You climb over the desk and you're looking at the chick working at the register. Yeah.

And you have to finger her butt. But she is she in on it well i don't i don't know i mean no one can talk to you so again it's just a magic world where nobody can talk to you unless you finger their butthole that's rape yeah you're gonna be in jail you're gonna be fingering wardens and security guards but the judge when he's like i need my sentencing your honor the whole time your attorney is defending you your honor and he's like this is a he has he has a great point but he gets a little animated and steps outside of your reach he's like blah blah blah

he goes but how could that be the whole courtroom's silent cause no one can talk unless you finger him you're in a fight anything else you wanna say

you're like god damn it alright hang on yeah fuck you no fuck you and he it Yeah fuck you Oh fuck you And he's like Fuck you again Oh you're gonna get it buddy

Gosh dang You know when you're gonna get pounded but you still gotta finger this guy's butt So he can tell you how much he's gonna pound you I just typed that into Pornhub last night Know how hard I'm gonna to pound and finger your butt Unless I pound a finger Oh god I just thought of a scenario So you take your kids to see Santa Claus

And you're like alright Tell Santa what you want And Santa has to You have to finger your kids butts To get their wishes out Santa can't finger butts You're the controller No let's say i want to be

santa claus uh i want to work at a mall santa okay so i'm sitting down there all these kids are sitting on my lap and i have to finger their butt so they can tell me what they want for christmas what would you like for christmas little boy i want a new football i want a new football. I want a new football and your finger out of my ass. What? What? And I wonder if you can get a Pulitzer Prize for a podcast episode. This is it. Yeah, this is the one?

This is the one. Maybe this is the one that gets us taken off the air. Nobel Peace Prize. Yeah, it's either going to be great or... But how many kids are in that line? You got to finger all those kids' butts. Yeah. Dream come true. I mean, for the right person

it would be Maybe we should get off this subject I mean, I'm getting off No, it's not bad, but I'm thinking about what about a normal Santa that doesn't have to stick his finger up his butt?

No, but he can't talk So, to make the world go around you have to be like all right sit on santa's lap and then again the whole mall's silent and then you have to finger his santa's ass what do you want for christmas then you have to like take your finger out stick in your kid's ass you gotta go back and forth in between. You're watching a conversation and you have to go back and forth? Yeah.

So everyone can talk. What do you want for Christmas, little boy? I'm just trying to get my normal childhood. Oh, I'm sorry. What's next? Oh, I'm the bad guy? What's next? With a finger in my butt. While I'm shopping for dresses. With a finger in my butt. What? I'm shopping for dresses. With a finger in my ass.

I'm going to finger my own butt. It's the only way. There's no way I could go around fingering butts, dude. The life you would have to lead to finger everyone else's butt. It's not a life for me You know what I'll do? You'll lick a butt? No

What I will do is I have one of those Not a snuggie but a comfy It's a big ol' thing I just wear that around People don't know I pull my arms in the sleeves Like a giant woolly muumuu

Yeah just wear a muumuu everywhere Wear a woolly muumuu? Or a sheet wear a muumuu everywhere. Wear a woolly muumuu. Or a sheet. I can wear like a white sheet, cut some holes in it so I could kind of see where I was going. Just Halloween ghost all the time. Fingering your own butt holes. Yeah, yeah. That's what I meant.

It was a ghost. Are you real? But like, it's too much. I'm going to finger my own butt. I'm going to try and sneak it in there, change my clothing, try to have a serious conversation with stinky fingers. I mean, what? Yeah! If that's not love, I don't know what is.

I'm just visualizing now. I'm visualizing being the person at a wedding that's doing the wedding. Officiating? Yeah, officiating the wedding. He's up there. He's got his finger in his butt. He's saying all this stuff and he's like, do you take

Joe to be your love the way to husband? I do? I do. And do you do you Gladys whatever, take this guy. Do you Gladys Whatever Take This guy

Just this guy This guy over here And she looks over Waiting for me It's like Hang on Do you mind if I stick My finger in your husband's butt

He's gotta go up Underneath the dress Yeah I do The first word All the time The first sound is Woo

Oh of course it would be Oh Yeah I do Not your own butt first sound is oh of course it would be oh oh yeah i do uh not your own butt you're used to it uh oh yeah you're all loosened up i'm picking on but that's the only way yeah i think that's the obvious choice world exists uh zach the other way would be ridiculous the other would be crazy no way all, let's move off to what are you thinking about? Got reminded about something. Zach!

Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? What are you thinking about?

I know what I'm thinking about. Do you now? I know what I'm thinking about So you know At the time of recording right now My kiddos Are on their way to Hawaii What? For a fun little trip Doing like a Halloween in Hawaii Oh The H&H

Classic What are you doing? Just writing down some notes Do you have a problem with that? No On their way to Hawaii And it just got me thinking about airplanes again. I fucking love a good airplane story. If it's in the air, it's a good story.

If it's in the air, it's in here. If it's in the air, it has the potential to fall out of the sky. And probably six months ago or so, I warned that I have a ton of good stories about my trip to Austin. Oh, is this one? I haven't shared this particular one. Okay. So, as people know, I took a boner pill in a casino.

Yes. Because we couldn't get on the first flight, so we had to waste time, and I took a boner and played slot machines by myself. Because what else would someone do to kill time? I mean, any rational person knows if you're going to gamble, gamble hard. Oh, yeah!

So this is all part of the same timeline. So boner, casino, then we get on the plane and it's nighttime. It's a red-eye flight heading over there. And this is the one where you got to the house and it was the wrong house and we're snooping around, and lucky we didn't get fucking shot. Were you still hard at that point? I don't remember. I'm still hard to this day. Okay. Perma hard. Perma.

So it's all part of that same timeline. But this is on the airplane. That's wild. So on the airplane, it's nighttime, so if you've ever been on a red-eye flight, you know the majority of it is they, I mean, they just shut the lights off so people can go to bed and then wake up where they are. And that's what we planned on doing. On this particular flight, because we were flying standby, Cassie and I were not seated together. So she was like some rows up on the right side. And then I had the aisle on the left side. So we weren't right next to each other. The plane got in the air and as we were flying for a bit, I needed to charge my phone. So I, as a responsible adult, I looked and saw that the

seatbelt sign was not on. So I was free to move about the cabin and I popped up there and I went a few rows up to the overhead bin and like Cassie and I we see each other and I'm like just kind of being funny we're on the same flight but we're not right next to each other and I pop open

the overhead compartment lucky things hadn't shifted during flight, so everything was fine. And my bag's right there. And as we've talked about plenty, Cassie and I, with the sex stuff, fun. We have some fun in the sex bedroom stuff. So on this particular trip, we packed some toys. And I, whatever, my bag's sitting there there and I open up the zipper to where my charging cable is.

Okay. And I, and I, and I, you know, undo it and I, and I get it open and immediately like a clit sucker toy falls out of the pouch that I'm trying to get into.

Okay. How big is it? I mean, it's a travel size travel size sucker you gotta be able to suck that clit anywhere yeah but you can't roll around with like an industrial strength clit sucker yeah not on a family trip to austin right so we have that and i open it up and it it slides out immediately and then takes one hop off the edge of the overhead compartment. And it goes like, and it starts falling. Oh, no. And I go like this, like not thinking, you know, two hands are up and it goes and it starts falling and I catch it. And I look down and I mean, I'm three inches away from this lady's face.

She's sleeping. Just head back in the seat. No idea what's happening no idea it goes and i catch it and it's a fucking clit sucker first of all does it look i mean does it look ominous like a look up clit sucker toy no it looks like i don't know they're all they're rounded and smooth and have some sex appeal to them um but like it's a little travel size clit sucker so if you if you've ever owned one of these sex toys you know exactly what it is that could be anything that could be you could be you could trim your nose hairs with that thing yeah and i have no but it falls and i just go good and i catch it it's a couple inches away from the sleeping woman's face.

And I look over, and Cassie isn't watching. Oh. And I just go, like I'm laughing. And I hold it for a little bit longer until I realize, you know, what I felt like. It felt like 30 seconds, but it's probably like two, where it bounces out, and I catch it. And then now I'm looking at her to, like the moment and she's doing that i know that somebody had to have seen me just standing there with a clit sucker over a sleeping woman's face looking the other way and being like and some guys like what the fuck is happening up there was that on purpose i mean and it would it would hurt

it would hurt to get you know a little bonk in the noggin. While you're sleeping, too. Thank God. What the fuck? I mean, and then my brain, of course, I'm laughing about all of the scenarios. Like, what if I didn't catch it? And she gets hit in the face with a clit sucker and wakes up and it falls in her lap. Yeah.

And she just, like, picks it up. She knows what it is. And I'm just standing there. I have the same one. As a man. Oh, no. Yeah, right over the top, looking down at her. Looking down at someone like he's got hit in the face with a clit sucker?

Yeah, a couple things. Yeah. The first thought that I had was it was going to be one of those catches where you went like that, and you hit it, and it flung across the fuselage. When you drop, yeah, the two doors aft. Mm-hmm. Cool word. What are we doing? Just because you're in an airplane doesn't mean, yeah, the two doors aft? Mm-hmm. Cool word. What are we doing?

Just because you're on an airplane doesn't mean you need to use new words. Two doors in the front, two in the middle, and then two aft. No one says that. Just say the back. And then two doors. The hindquarters. And the aft. Shut up.

Yeah, we get it. You're on an airplane all the time. We get it. Boo. S And the aft. Shut up. Yeah, we get it. You're on an airplane all the time. We get it. Suck my aft. Suck my clit with this. Suck my clit with the aft. So the other thing was, a funny scenario that I would have thought is when you do that and she's not looking at you, you're like, Cassie, I dropped your clit sucker. Almost landed right in this chick's face, but I got it. And she's not looking at you you're like cassie look at i dropped your clit sucker almost landed right in this chick's face but i got it and she's like yeah and she wakes up yeah this one

the one right here that's snoring it would have woke her up if it hit her in the face it's your clit sucker heavy one the clit sucker the heavy one if it would it probably would have given her bloody nose yeah but i got it i caught it my... You know how I have quick reflexes. Reflexes, right? You know about my reflexes. Yeah. I'm going to put it back now. I'm just getting the charger.

Just getting the charger out and then just fucking suck her nose with it. Right in the cheek? Right in the cheek. Just like pull her out of the seat. Does it suck pretty hard? Nah, I don't know. I don't have a clit. Well, have you never put it on your own skin or your dick or anything?

I mean, it doesn't feel like it's sucking that hard but you know clits are sensitive yeah so doesn't take much suck doesn't look much suck to rev up that fuck that's what my dad always said doesn't take a lot of suck to rev up the fuck thanks dad pass the peaches just nonsense write that one down write that one down what is it doesn't take much of a suck to rev up the fuck

yeah it's gonna be great best selling t-shirt yeah right on your right on your tombstone suck to rev here lies Brian

doesn't take much of a suck to rev up the fuck you know what you know what I mean or whatever you know up the fuck you know what i mean or whatever you know what i mean know what i mean or whatever all right but anyway so them on an airplane just reminded me of that and um i figured i'd just share that that's pretty funny i love that because i i love the way that you suck my clit that you do that your clit. Shut up. Wait. Oh. I pulled it out so you can't talk.

Oh. I love the way that, because I think the same way where you do something like that and you immediately look over her like, where's the reaction? Where's something? And then they don't see anything. Like, I'll do that with Amber and I'm like, it's such a letdown. Like, come on. I know. Or if you give a joke.

You were right here. And they're going to do a joke and no laugh. I know. Or if you give a joke and they're just joking no laugh I'm like are you fucking kidding me? That was gold. So funny. God. Fuck you guys.

Fuck all of you. Yeah. You know what? Fuck all of you. Oh and oh and one more thing. One more thing. So you have to close the door and you're like.

You know what? I didn't want to come here at all. Close the door. Walking through the yard. God, I fucking hate these people. It pisses me off. Just talking to yourself. Talking to yourself. Fingering your pisses me off Just talking to yourself Figuring your own butthole talking to yourself

Alright Let's get after the flog We have a wide array Of content for the flong today. This one is just a wild story. I don't know how this guy didn't fucking get hurt. I love that the news article it leads with in red. It just says minor injuries. Like that's the fucking headline.

And then I read it and I was like, oh shit, yeah, it is. So Irishman, 31 years of old, thanks his rescuers after falling and surviving He fell aft? He fell aft. Rescuers

after surviving a 650 foot volcano fall in Indonesia. Jesus Christ. Do we know how tall 650 feet is? I think it's about the space. I think the Space Needle is like 600 feet. Isn't that two and a half football fields? Oh, I'm not here for that.

Space Needle is 605 feet. So a little bit from the point. Like he's on the top in a hot air balloon. Yeah. Just a little ways off the point, like he's on the top in a hot air balloon. Yeah. Just a little ways off the top of the Space Needle. And then just survives with minor injuries falling into a fucking volcano. Of course, it's not straight down. I mean, he's going to do a little tumble.

A little tumble, yeah. Yeah, it's not like he just jumped off the Space Needle and was like, ow, my shoulder hurts. Or like the Grand Canyon where it's just a straight down wall. So Paul Farrell from Sligo. It's a cool place to be from. Sligo? Sligo. S-L-I-G-O.

Sligo. It's probably Sligo. Sure. He did. He did Sligo. Yeah. Slipped and fell while hiking alone on Mount Rinjana in West Nusa Tujara on Wednesday morning. According to local... Yes.

I love hiking as much as the next guy. Yeah. But I never understand why people... Why would you... Hike a volcano by yourself? By yourself. Just get away. You don't know what he's going through.

No, I know. I get it. But like... Take a Sherpa with you or something. He's been talking to himself, fingering his own ass for a couple years. Yeah, that's true. He just needs. No, I know. I get it. But like, take a Sherpa with you or something. He's been talking to himself, fingering his own ass for a couple of years. Yeah, that's true. He just needs to get out of here. I get it.

Like, I used to just go road bike by myself or whatever. But sometimes I'd get back and be like, probably shouldn't do that in case something bad happens. But anyway. Yeah. According to local media reports, he rolled down the steep hiking trail and off a cliff, but suffered only minor injuries to his shoulder. What? So you see all this, and then if you're like me, you're thinking, well, how the fuck did

they find this guy? Like, what happened? Another guy was hiking and fell down the volcano in the same spot? Yeah. And did not have minor injuries. Oh, is that what happened? Yes. Oh, shit.

Exactly where we're going. Oh, is that what happened? Yes. Oh, shit. Exactly where we're going. He was found in the shade of a small outcrop with a few deep cuts on his face, legs, and arms by a rescue team before he was winched to safety using a pulley. Smoking a cigarette and thanking his rescuers, the hiker vowed

to take care and not stray too far from the hotel. Wait, I just I know you think I'm gonna I'm not fucking just coming right back up here i'm just gonna stay in my hotel room smoke some cigarettes and chill i was visualizing him coming up out of the the volcano with a cigarette yeah and he's like throws it they're like whoa come on you don't just throw a cigarette anywhere you know there's fucking lava in there out. You know that's bad for your health, right? Yeah.

So it's falling in a... Fucking puts it out on the rescuers. Fucking thanks, nerds. It just keeps climbing. Fucking nerds, there's lava over here. Quit fucking talking to me about stuff. I just hiked a volcano by myself while smoking cigarettes. I got this, fucking nerds.

And just fucking flips the cigarette into the volcano. How'd you light this? It's like, I'm on a volcano. Yeah, dude. Lava. Dude, right here. All I had to do was get close to the lava and it just lit. Just lit.

I was 650 feet away when I started lighting the cigarette. That's true. Yeah. He had been rescued by a teen that was already evacuating the body of a teenager who fell into a ravine nearby. So that person fell in. They were trying to find,

they found like a dead body. While they were doing that, this guy was just like, Hey! Hey! Oh, finally! Holy shit! Dude.

I only had a couple cigarettes left i didn't think anyone was gonna see these smoke signals yeah right he's like shoots an arrow through him he's just blowing him into his shirt dude he's like Help Help Finger in his ass Well Oh this is good to see you John I didn't think anybody was ever going to come by We're going to need both your hands

Show me your hands No can do Oh that's big One hand holding a cigarette The other one fingering my ass That sounds like a And the other one figuring my ass. That sounds like a Lance Morissette song. And the other one's giving a

high five. The other one's figuring my butthole. And the other one's making a cigarette. And that's all too I cannot believe this guy. I mean, that's a fall. And he's like, what am I going to do?

I'm gonna I'm just gonna go lay in the hotel room You promise? I promise Yeah No hiking, nothing Nothing crazy? Nope

Nope Such a weird conversation Yeah Holy shit I'm happy to see you guys You guys got a lighter you make a light no i'm not for sure i don't even go to dinner i'm just gonna lay down in my hotel room and everyone's just like like they're they're pulling up a dead body these guys like we're not even

worried about it like we're happy your life's like yeah anyway i'm gonna go to the hotel room it's the first thing i'm gonna do and that's also gonna be the anyway, I'm going to go to the hotel room. It's the first thing I'm going to do. And that's also going to be the last thing I'm going to do. And they're just like, dude, you're good. I'm not worried about the dead teenager body. And you're fine now. I mean, there's a lot. I mean, it's a lot of things I wanted to see, but I'm not going to do them.

Like, clearly, I'm not going to go wander around again. You're like, dude, get out of here. And he's like, fucking what a weirdo this is smoking cigs being like yeah for sure not gonna go walk around other places after this don't care seen it holy shit is that dead body you've seen the inside of a volcano you've pretty much seen it all he's oh shit, you guys weren't even looking for me. That's crazy. So you weren't even here for me? That's crazy, dude.

He throws it down and stomps it out. Anyway, adjust the straps on his backpack. Guess I gotta get going. I'm not gonna go this way, right? And they're like, dude, get this guy the fuck out of here. I don't know. We've had enough of this guy. him the fuck now. Yeah. Yep. All right. You want take the next one? Sure, and slap your computer to who oh shit. No, why it's not the slap. It's not even plugged in slap yourself It's not an NES. I'm not gonna slap it

Blowing it blow it blow me. Did you guys see that report that blowing in cartridges actually did nothing? And we were all just blowing in cartridges for funsies? It's fun to be delusional. Sometimes there's a placebo effect. Where there's a will, there's a way. That's right. That's what my dad always said. Ohio man forced to cancel

credit guard. Credit guard? Credit guard. The fifth branch of the army? Or the military? You got the Coast Guard, the credit guard. Credit guard? Credit guard. The fifth branch of the army? Yeah. Or the military? What would that? You got the Coast Guard, the Credit Guard, Army, Navy, and Air Force. What would their holler be?

Because there's like, ooh. I'm just trying to think of like credit score. Credit karma. Like whatever they're jingling. Experian. If you had to do that every time. All right, let's go kill him! Ba-da-ba-ba-boom!

All right. Okay. Ohio man forced to cancel credit card to escape gym membership. It's getting wild out there. The 59... Let's see. What? Doug Madison just wanted to cancel his gym membership,

but ended up having to cancel his credit card instead. I'm telling you. This is classic. It is. The 59-year-old could no longer afford the monthly fee. So, a year after he signed up. He's the one who set up the gym. Gyms are just the same fucking cycle.

Like, you sure? I'm sure. Yeah. He went three times maybe yeah uh he went back to the gym's website to terminate it but it didn't have an option for members to cancel online so he called the gym and was told he had to come in person it's like a treasure hunt he told he had to come in a person yep so he went. Yep. So he went to the gym, but even he couldn't cancel. He recalls the employees telling him

that they didn't have the ability to stop it or do anything on it. There's nothing we can do! There's nothing we can do! It's too late! Run! Things are in motion! Run!

You don't get it! Get on the treadmill! Run, Doug, run! Right now? Yes! There's nothing we can do! I've tried to quit. I can't. Save yourself!

That's the way it feels. They won't let any of us go. Please! tell someone. Go, Doug. Save yourself. Run, Doug, run. Some guy's doing a pull down. He's like, help me, too.

Take me with you. Take me with you. You stay. There's no room. There's no room. Get a boat. Get a big boat! Dog! Is the guy's rowing?

I'm a good rower! Get a boat, dog! Pat, no. It's going to sound crazy, but I went online and he just leans in and he's like, and they wouldn't let you go? Yeah. And they said you had to come here and talk to me yeah here's a secret dog i'm here too i was a member once we're in this together take my hand fuck it's just like whoa

have a fresh towel it's gonna be a long ride dog have you used the amenities no I haven't yet you will soon Have you used the amenities? No, I haven't yet. You will soon! Because none of us can leave!

It's in the contract! Did you read it, Doug? Fuck! That's so scary! My head hurts. Yeah. Let me guess. They said to come in person? That's what I did.

Six years ago. Six years ago. To the day. And now I'm folding towels. Wiping down equipment. Folding towels. Wiping down equipment. And I just wanted to leave.

Fuck, dog, fuck. Anyway, the next step is we're bound for life, Doug. Was that even his name? Yeah. I think it's Doug Madison. Doug E.M.? Oh, God.

Do you mind if I call you Mr. Doug? That's bloody shit. Okay. Anyway, what if I call you Mr. Doug? That's bloody shit. Okay. Anyway, what were you saying? Okay. Didn't have the ability to stop it or do anything on it because only his Jim's parent company was authorized to cancel his membership. In the meantime, he says there's still charging my account. So while we're waiting on that, here's a fucking thing of towels.

Madison, who lives in Ohio. You'll be fit, but you'll be sad. Have you ever used a gazelle? Yeah, baby. Tony Little's in there. Have you ever heard of a bone flex? We've got eight Yeah yeah yeah

I know what you have Then use it Your arm's like a little weak Okay back to you Madison who lives in Ohio Said the whole reason he chose this gym Was that he didn't have a binding contract He assumed that When he no longer wanted to pay for the membership reason he chose this gym was that he didn't have a binding contract.

He assumed that when he no longer wanted to pay for the membership, he'd be able to get out of it. That's what we all thought, Doug. You didn't read in the contract about the contract, did you? After the parent company's customer service reps told him they couldn't help

him online or over the phone and did not offer him an alternative route. Master reached out to his bank, which ultimately canceled the card he'd used to pay for the membership and told him plenty of customers had trouble getting out of the similar services. The guy on the phone is like, did you see Chad when you went in there? Oh, I saw him. Yeah. How's he doing? He's cleaning toilets.

Not good. I tried to help him. We all did. He's long gone. You know, when you went in there, you didn't have to see. Did you see Chad? Did I? Is he okay?

No. No. You're lucky we got to cancel your card before you were a full-time employee. I used to go there too. It's like a recovery group. Did it name the gym? No, it didn't. Jim's gym.

That's got to exist, right? Jim's gym? No, it didn't. Jim's gym. Jim's gym. That's got to exist, right? Jim's gym? Yeah, sure. The James. The James. Okay, so where was I? Did not cancel this card. The bank even

said that they see this happening a lot. Madison said, referring to customers having trouble with cancellations. They said the good news was that they only gave them the card number instead of my actual account number. So then it's a lot more hassle. God, what the fuck's going on out there? We're like, you're lucky you didn't give it because they can take it all, Doug. I just wanted to use the workout equipment. The gy it because they can take it all. Doug. I just wanted to use the workout equipment.

The gyms, they can take it all. It's like, what? How? I don't know, but they keep doing it. Like that's,

for them to be like, you're lucky you didn't just give them your bank number. And it's just a card. Like what? They could do it forever. Oh yeah. There's no rules against it. No stopping gyms, gymhmm. Oh, yeah. There's no rules against it. No stopping Jim's gym.

Jim's gym. Just like, wait, you guys have a... Yes. The whole city's under Jim Jim's power. Yeah, he's like... He's the fucking kingpin. Yeah. He runs the city.

He runs the city council because he's so scared to speak up about Jim's gym. Everyone's concrupling debt. They're like, I have, there's something I wanted to bring up. So Jim's gym. Hey! They pull the microphone. Yeah.

Can you squeeze? We don't talk. Get him out of here! And then you look over in the shadows, Jim, from Jim's Gym. Yeah. He's just standing there in a perfect, like, suit with a Rolex. And he's just shaking his head. And they're like...

Yeah. Just points at you. You're working here next. Like Michael Myers. Yeah. Not Mike Myers. No, he's not as scary. No.

No. While Madison was relieved to have found a solution, it took three months to get free of it. He described it as the worst experience I've ever had with any type of membership. You shouldn't want to sit up. And he's not alone. Yeah. Companies have gotten increasingly adept at trapping customers in what are known as dark patterns, drawing them in with a shiny new product and discounted subscription that ends up being difficult to get out of. article in front of me but i believe in our research over the weeks that on like the on the

high government federal level they're mandating that getting into a prescription subscription prescription yeah your rs getting into a subscription has to be as easy to get out like so i'm in and then i'm'm out. It's just a button click. However easy it was to sign up and get going, it has to be that easy to get out. We'll see. We'll leave it like you found it type of thing. Yeah. Just get my money

back, Jim. Did you see the new Bowflex? No surrender. Have you tried whatever it was? Taekwondo? What was it called? Taibo.

Taibo. Mamba. Mamba number five. Love Lou Began. Began. All right. Moving on. One, two, three, four, five.

Jessica, everybody. High five. A little everybody, high five. A little bit of... Anyway. Fuck. Sorry, Doug. It's rough. It's rough out there for a Doug. Doug and a Jim Jim.

Jim Duggan? Women admitted to poisoning boyfriend with antifreeze believed that she was going to inherit 30 million dollars god you couldn't do what a nightmare i mean antifreeze i'm guessing that's all she had a north dakota woman was going if you're going to get 30 million dollars just to spend some money to get it taken care of because you're going to get reimbursed. I know.

That's where the plot twist is. Oh. A North Dakota woman was sentenced for poisoning her boyfriend after believing that he was going to be inheriting $30 million. Ina Knoyer, 48, that says in North Dakota, less than. Knoyer was sentenced to 50 years. First served 25. That means she'll serve 25 years in prison with the remaining 25 year balance suspended. Whenever they say balance for life. The transaction.

Listen, you give us eight. We'll give you five. The balance is three. You keep the change. Keep the change. You want to round up for the Ronald McDonald house? Take the round up for the Ronald McDonald House? You want to round up another six years in prison for the Ronald McDonald House?

For kids? If you have a life sentence, just say yes. So whatever. Three months for Shriners Hospital for Children? Nah, not today. Are you sure about that? Are you sure about that? I'm going to tell everyone. I'm not getting out of here and working at the fucking kids' hospital.

Prosecutors said that 48-year-old Ina Thea Tenoyer poisoned Stephen Riley Jr. with antifreeze on the false belief that she would inherit part of the multi-million dollar inheritance. After receiving the news, the couple met with an estate lawyer on September 3rd, 2023. That day, Riley became ill, with paramedics arriving at his home the next day to find him unresponsive. God, she couldn't wait a day? No, she was like, the second they left the office, she was like, alright. She ran out and popped the hood. Yeah, took a little turkey baster, sucked it out. You want a Gatorade? Yeah, one sec. Can you pop the hood?

Uh-huh. Do you have blue? No, I have this neon green. I have this neon green Gatorade. It's a new kind. And just talking to him while you're sucking up antifreeze in a fucking turkey baster. What are you doing over there? I'm just checking the inline specs in the

rotary girder. So you're sure about the 30 million, right? Yeah. So that's really yours and I get a bit of that? I get it if I die? That's crazy, dude.

I mean, that's how it looks. And then you sit down and hand him this, like, piping hot green Gatorade? And he's like,

thanks, babe. Investigators later learned that the inheritance likely didn't even exist at all. That's true love. There it is. Ryan, the things you do, you know? Ryan Riley, the victim's 21-year-old son, told the Post that the couple had actually fallen victim to an online scam. Oh, my God.

And there never was any money i mean that actually makes sense that does not sound like you never get back to that nigerian prince so he's gonna wire you the money right today yeah just what the fuck is happening? Now he knows your cousin? How does that work? Yeah, no, he knows my cousin. I gave him his social security number.

He needed bus fare. So I sent him my social security number. So, yeah. So, I mean, he'll be here. Okay, just want to make sure. Good move. That's why I love you too, babe. That's why I love you., babe That's why I love you You're very smart with money

Stephanie Gonzalez, Riley's sister Said that Knoyer stole more than just a human life He stole my son from his mother and stepfather He stole a father from five sons He stole antifreeze from your husband's engine. That's how this ends? Can you imagine? He was a father to five sons, a brother of two sisters,

and now he doesn't have any fucking antifreeze in his engine. And now his engine's seized up. And the Nigerian prince has no way to get around when he comes to town. What's he gonna do? So he's just stuck at the bus station With 30 million dollars You fucking idiot He's gonna walk around downtown

With 30 million dollars So now So now the Nigerian prince Is stuck at the airport With 30 million dollars And it's all cause of you Also he's a great uncle. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to look for a Nigerian prince in North Dakota! The one with a big bag of money! You fucking idiot! And there's a lot of oil in North Dakota. Yeah, well. It kind of makes sense. Just pour that in the antifreeze spot. Call it good.

And how the fuck am I going to find Nigerian Prince in North Dakota? Yeah. That's the least of his worries. Yeah. Oh, God. That's funny. Oh.

Good stuff. Anyway. Don't fall for that kind of shit. No. And if you do, don't fucking kill anybody with antifreeze over it. Do you say antifreeze?

Or antifreeze? Antifreeze. There's no point in hitting all the letters. Talking about this. No, and hitting all the letters. Antifreeze or antifreeze? Antifreeze. There's no point in hitting all the letters. Talking about this. No, hitting all the letters. Antifreeze. Antifreeze. Here's a little Andy.

Andy. Andy. Andy. Little Andy. It's cold. Why is Andy frozen? Antifreeze. Well, North Dakota's cold this time of year.

Antifreeze. One more story, and then we'll jump off to the... Sure. Andy Freeze Well, North Dakota's cold this time of year Andy Freeze One more story And then we'll jump off to the Sure Back end of this episode My head hurts I'm not sure if you guys have My throat hurts

Bringing up James Blunt Not gonna play the song Oh yeah Okay Please don't I know There was a couple people, I don't remember the names,

going back through bonus content on Patreon. There's a fuck you joke for playing that sad James Blunt song, Monsters. Anyway. Headline reads, James Blunt won't have

to change his name to Blunty McBluntface. It's official. Is that him now? That's him. That's the guy. If I saw that guy at the airport. I'd hit him.

Yeah. Yeah, I'd take his bags. Take his bags and throw them in the river. So he wanted to change his name. The singer made a recent pledge that gripped the nation. I don't think it was that powerful. Yeah, I didn't hear of it. Nope.

Well, he's British. Vowing to legally change his name to one of the British public's choosing, and they chose Blunty McBluntface. Showed the 20th anniversary edition of his 2014 debut album, Back to Bedlam, returned to number one this week. I mean, still pretty good, but it went back to number seven on the list. So he doesn't have to officially change his name to a crowdsourced name. And this is funny to me because I don dollars went into this research boat, this vessel.

And then they decided that they would turn it over to the public to let them name what the vessel is. And the winning name was Boaty McBoatface. And that won. So they just had to write Boaty McBoatface on the side of this giant research vessel. You know what's funny is people seriously underestimate the power. The internet? Yes.

When something just for no reason. You cannot let like Reddit people and things like you cannot let them be in charge of something like that. Because that's what's going to happen. They just think it's like oh we'll let and it's just going to be in charge of something like that. Because that's what's going to happen. They just think it's like, oh, we'll let, and it's just going to be a bunch of nice teenagers picking a sweet name. It's like, no, you gave them the power to do something insane. I mean, I don't know what James Blunt thought was going to happen.

But Blunty McBluntface is, I think that's one of the better outcomes than anything else that could have been voted on. So he didn't have to do it, but just a quick little story to share here. That's hilarious. Take a look at some good news? Sure. All right. Well, fucking Zach, play the thing. We'll do it.

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah! So this is wild Yeah, perfect, read it Cat, cat Lost in Yellowstone

Travels 800 miles To reunite with its owners after two months It's a long way For anybody It's a long way for an animal with big legs Like if you told me a giraffe was lost in yellowstone and then went 800 miles like that's impressive the crazy thing is you might not notice a cat traveling 800 miles around because it's a cat but if a giraffe was doing it

you'd notice oh you he wouldn't have to travel there's gangly legs flopping everywhere just running through yellowstone. Yeah. Running from bears. Kicking bison. And you're like, that's nature, baby. Why is there a fucking giraffe here? No one questions it. Wow.

Weird shit happens in Yellowstone. Now, for two months, a California couple was heartbroken. You have some heartbroken music? Oh, maybe somewhere. You can keep reading. I'll find something. Worrying about the whereabouts of their beloved cat after losing him in Yellowstone National Park, a wilderness larger than some U.S. states. In case you didn't know what Yellowstone National Park is.

Yeah. But as the summer came to a close, so did their tragic story. Vinny and Susan, Suzanne Aguiano, reunited with their lost feline. Now it can go positive. Ryan Bowe last month after Animal Welfare Group called to let them know that their cat had been

found in Roseville, California. 800 miles from Yellowstone. In June a couple went camping in National Park where their cat was startled by something in the wilderness. Probably a giraffe. Oh, fuck. Sorry.

Rain Bow. No. Nice. They named the cat Rain Bow. Okay. Okay. Ran into the trees and they didn't see him again for 60 days. During the trip, they searched every day, laying out treats and

toys in hopes that he'd return without success. We had to leave without him. We can get back. Oh, shit. That was the hardest day. I felt like I was abandoning him. In early August, Rainbow's

microchip came in handy. The couple received a message from the pet watch. A pet tracking service indicating that their cat had been found in Roseville at the local branch of Society in the Prevention and Cruelty of Animals. A woman had discovered Rainbow alone in the street and brought him to the shelter. He was really depleted, said Suzanne. He probably didn't have much energy left to go any farther. Oh, back to set.

Exactly how Rainbow traveled probably through the sky. Through feet. Ader Moss Yellowstone to Roseville remains a mystery, but the couple, maybe it's not even the same cat, but the couple said that they hope sharing their story might prompt someone to come forward with any details in their KSBW interview. The couple also urged other pet owners to install trackers to avoid losing their pets for good, or don't take them out into the wilderness where there's predators. Or just don't take your cat to Yellowstone?

Yeah. I think there's a lesson there, too. Yeah. Yeah. Cats are resilient but sore bison yeah and giraffe and bear and cougars and bobcats and literally everything else pools of water that they could fall and boil in i know but that's a long way death trap i know i'm glad that rainbow made it home yep that's very. There was a treasure at the end of the...

Pot of gold. Or something. Or at the end of the tunnel. Light at the end of the tunnel. Rainbow. Yep. All right. Found something on the internet.

Want to see it? Yeah. All right. Is that... The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome i'm gonna open it up by saying i got i got good and bad news

what do i want first you can ask me what I want first? No, they're both bad. Oh. I don't know. Depends on... Well, the bad news is that this isn't anywhere near us and the promotion is already done with. Okay. But the good news is this is so fucking funny that I want other

restaurants to do this as well. Okay. Pizza Hut opened up for a couple days a one table restaurant just has one seat it's like a phone booth and you had to get reservations and they'd give you a personal pan pizza when you went inside just a little little teeny... It's a tiny, literal pizza hut. I mean, marketing... Do they deliver it to you? No, you go sit in it.

There's only one chair. And then they come to the window and give it to you? And they come and give you your pizza. And that's it. And then they leave and you sit in a fucking phone booth pizza hut. Pizza has never been this personal, is what it says. Lonely or... I mean, they could have used a lot of words. Depressing. Pizza has never been this personal, is what it says. Lonely. I mean, they could have used a lot of words.

Depressing. Yeah. Pizza has never been this sad. I'm okay with it. How funny would it be? Clearly, it was a promotional stunt. Absolutely. And it worked.

But the idea of this would be so fun. Let's think about Buffalo Wild Wings. Who doesn't love little B-dubs? And you got the game. So whatever your team's playing. And you go in there and it's just you and your buddy. And you get your own table inside this little hut with a fucking TV. That's pretty funny.

I would go. I would too. That way you don't have to hear Ravens fans go, oh yeah! Yeah! You wouldn't have to hear that. That happened last time I was at a public place with sports on. The last time, I think, I was at a Buffalo Wild Wings. I don't know why

that example is the one that I pulled. It's like I frequent the B-dubs. The last time I went, it was just trying to eat dinner, and the table next to us decided to do the Hot Wing Challenge. It was a whole thing. Like, they're ready, just trying to eat dinner and the table next to us decided to do the hot wing challenge it was a whole thing like they ready like the waitresses and waiters are all there and they have like a fucking alarm like like ready set and you're just you're eating a sandwich

yeah you're like ready set go and you're just like. Sitting next to him. And they're all slamming it down. And they have like a little clock. One of them's holding the clock. And you're just like, what the, am I in a fucking circus? And he gets done, like throws it down.

And they're like. And he won. So he got all the wings for free because he ate them in whatever the fucking time limit was. So it was a bit much. So if there was a one table Buffalo Wild Wings, I feel like that would be a place for me. But they had this in Queens, New York for the personal pan pizza hut. And reservations opened back on the 17th and then they closed on the 20th. They make you feel like a king in Queens. Yeah.

But I mean, that's just, I mean, I know it's kind of sad, but also pretty fun. You're not getting shit on. You're not getting... In New York now, you go grab a slice off a thing you're walking down the street. There's some shit going on. You hear the

honking, the bird shitting, homeless guy. You hear the bird sh. You did bird shitting. Homeless guy. You hear the bird shitting? Yeah. You can hear it. The splatter on the ground. It's a noisy. Noisy ass place.

Yeah. But you sit in there. You get a little relief. Yeah. You're on a little slice of heaven. Yeah. On a little private Idaho. As the B-52 said.

Once. Yeah, they did. In a song. Anyway, it's not to show that. I'm a naughty boy. I'm a bad. Oh, no, no, no. Hello, folks. Yeah, they did. In a song. Anyway, it's not to show that. I'm a naughty boy. I hate me. Alright, moving off to Hey Guys. Let's hear from the listeners. Let's do it.

Alright, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. I think you should read this one. It's a long one. Oh, fuck. Okay. Yeah. Sorry, read this one. It's a long one. Oh, fuck. Okay. Yeah. Sorry, I was just on that page.

I figured. It's a wild ride, so you might buckle up. First email coming in from our snipped son, Nick. This is an epic tale of my vasectomy. Settle in. It's a long story. Is that a dick joke? Yeah yeah so a little backstory i was married at the time we had been together for nearly 10 years and had diligently used multiple

forms of birth control she was on the pill i always wore spermicidal condoms i pulled out it out to bust the nut what's spermicidal is it it's what god brian zach what do i i know it is what do i say to this guy uh it's anti-sperm stuff so it kills the sperm when it comes out i get that so they they have spermicidal condoms that will like kill all sperm like spermicidal cream yeah no i get i get what that is but't that the point of a condom? Yeah, you're right I guess in case there's a hole Or it slips off or something Just wanted to make sure there wasn't some

Something I'm missing here I wonder if they were doing all that He's on the pill, he wore spermicidal condoms And pulled out I fucking hate kids We finally decided we never wanted kids. Time to get snipped so I could finally go raw, dog. I found a doctor that would do the surgery.

Do you hate that kids that much? Have the kids so you can have an abortion and kill them. Wait. Yeah, exactly. Then you get to be like, yeah, fuck you. Fuck kids. I found a doctor that would do the surgery on someone my age. I was 26. I didn't know that would do the surgery on someone my age I was 26

I didn't know that was like The doctor's decision Yeah he's like dude you're too young Maybe the doctor's like That's really young you might change your mind I don't want to be responsible But you can reverse it can't you I don't want to be responsible for what you want

You're paying me to do what you want Thanks doctor I'll go down the alley next to your shop then. Fucking fucko. Sounds like an abortion. It does. That's how the hangers got involved. Don't tell me what to do! I set up the consultation, and he only had two requirements.

18 or older, and of sound mind. Where did that rule come from? He had one rule for a while. I was 18 or older and he's like, you can't be fucking crazy. You keep coming and you're fucking all crazy. The doc was 70 plus years old and was a young

and had a young Asian intern. They asked if the intern could sit in. I obliged. We got to the interview and he said, stand up and drop him. It sounds like Indiana Jones and Temple of Doom is what it sounds like. He said, stand up and drop them. So I did.

The first thing the doc said to the intern was the observation that my pecker was turtled up in me. Because it's cold outside. Next, he reached behind my nuts to examine my vast deference. Come toos. Shit you not. With no gloves on his to examine my vast deference. Cum tubes. Shit you not. With no gloves on his hands! Vast deference. He's like, do you have...

Aft. I need to check aft. I have one question. Are you 18 or older? Yes. Can you feel this? Are you of sound mind? Yes.

All right. Third question. Why is your dick inside you? So there I was, getting molested by an old man in front of his intern. I bit the bullet because I really wanted to get the procedure. Everything checked out. Scheduled the procedure. My big day finally comes.

Nice. Oh, yeah. They didn't tell me to shave my nuts, so I had to do it over the sink in front of the doctor and this nurse. Oh, and they offered no sedatives. Was this in the alley? He's like, this is okay. I'll do it, but.

I'll do it, but shave your nuts. Those things are fucking atrocious. And you have to be completely. You have to have smooth nuts. I want you to feel everything. I want to feel everything and I want you to feel everything. I want to feel everything. And I want to feel your smooth nuts. Okay.

All right. Sign here. Seems reasonable. No sedatives. I was sober as could be, but fucking determined. They have me lay down and he tapes my dick to my stomach. Sounds like a fucking great first date. The fun begins.

I received lidocaine shots. That's a sedative. That's a number. Halfway through, he started leaning on my dick with his forearm because his back hurt. And he says to the nurse, I probably should have took more. Referring to painkillers. Well, yeah, I should have took more because you have your forearm on my fucking dick that's taped to my stomach. Where am I?

Sam's Club? He's lenient as he rolls. Ah, Jesus, Doc. Nah, you probably should have took more. Sorry, my back hurts. Just digging his elbow into your dick. God, these balls. I was like, dude, just cut it.

We were finally done and went to Drug Mart to get my Vicodin? My friend worked there He saw me hobbling to the counter I never had a script filled faster This was Friday and I was going to work on Tuesday My ball swelled to the size of a softball I didn't get through the whole work day

I had to go to an urgent appointment to get more painkillers. Hopefully not back at the same fucking place. They treated me like a junkie because I ran out early, but when the doc saw my purple softball, he gasped very loud. Oh, shit! That's not supposed to be that way.

He gasped very loud. Yeah. Whoa! Pop! Gotta take these down and get them... Get the blueberry. Why is your dick stuck to Brass. Very loud. Yeah. Whoa! Pop. Blah. Gotta take these down and get them, get the blueberry. Why is your dick stuck to your chest? It's violet, violet. Then he had no issue giving me more till I saw the doc that did the procedure. I was a landscaper full time and was apprenticing at a tattoo shop at night.

I let one of the guys copy a picture of my Frankenstein nuts. He put it up on the high ceiling above my booth. This provided many good laughs, as I was holding a quarter to show scale, and everyone thought it was a dime. I thought Washington was on the quarter. quarter holy shit that's a tiny quarter one of my shop names became nasty nick wow frank and nick fast forward two to three weeks time to uh time to produce a sample and the doc puts it under the microscope however he had sent me home with a test tube.

Apparently, they didn't want me to jack off at the doctor's office. As instructed, I come in the test tube, snap on the lid, and keep it in my goddamn armpit. As instructed. You got to keep her warm. That sounds like a prank. Now, what you're going to want to do is... Before he goes in, he goes, watch out to his nurse.

He's like, watch out, I'm let me get this fucking lunatic to do I need you to go home and jerk off this test tube and then put it in your armpit okay he's like told you these idiots will do anything

next I smuggled my jizz to the next town over to the doctor's office praying I don't get pulled over and searched finally I'm with the doc we're at the microscope again this motherfucker

does not put on gloves he pops the top off the test tube the test tube bare with the doc. We're at the microscope. Again, this motherfucker does not put on gloves! He pops the top off the test tube bare with the bare hands like you would flip a coin into the trash. He dumps it out of the slide and wipes his hands off on his white lab coat. He did well. It was a success. Fun fact. We had over 3, 000 vasectomies oh he had over 3 000 vasectomies under his belt and his pappy was who had taught him so basically i endured a vasectomy

straight out of the 1900s when we were done at the microscope i stood up he figured my ass and i said no i stood up from the microscope i stood up he gave me a pat on the butt and says, go home and enjoy some sex the way the good Lord intended. This is my favorite doctor. And he hobbled out. The lightning's like, go have some sex like the good Lord intended. Licks the sly clean. I hate gloves. I need to taste it all.

I had good health insurance. My copay was only 110 bucks. And I still say it's the best $110 I ever spent. Especially since we eventually got divorced. Hope you enjoyed my tale. And sorry there's not a short way to tell it. Hell yeah. Oh yeah!

Much love to my daddies and Uncle Zach. Hopefully you didn't change your mind about the kids. Yeah. Don't. He's fine. He can reverse it.

Yeah. He's gonna go back to the same doctor. He has no gloves. He recognizes you. He's like, oh yeah! Yeah, how are these nuts doing?

You ready to have some, are you a sound mind? I don't know, are you? Put some fucking's like, oh yeah. Yeah, how are these nuts doing? You ready to have some, are you a sound mind? I don't know, are you? Put some fucking gloves on, weirdo. All right, go ahead. All right, second email's coming from our gorilla expert daughter, Elaine. Okay. And she spells it weird, but it's Elaine.

It's Elaine. Hey, stepdads. It's your daughter, Elaine. Said like, uh, Lane. I don't know if you know But you're not supposed to make very direct eye contact With silverback gorillas Or they can freak out

And that's when they tend to charge the glass My mom told me this amazing story About an old family zoo trip And this is in reference to Jerking off Yeah, teaching a gorilla to jerk off Teach the gorilla to jerk you off Right

Well back in the day my grandma went to the zoo And was giving the big silverback The stare down for some reason Even though there was a sign posted You know how old people don't listen Or they can't read Or they can't see He's like well I can't see this sign maybe the gorilla will tell me what to do

And just stare at it And it's like, well, I can't see this sign. Maybe the gorilla will tell me what to do. Just stare at it. It's like... In a flash, big old boy starts jerking off and quickly threw his ape spooge right at my grandma's... right at my grandma directly behind the glass with a huge splat. Aww. Of course, she was

mortified, but rules are rules for a reason. They don't need to be taught. They know what's up. I can never go to the zoo and see a silverback without a giggle thinking about one claiming my grandma. Rip grandma. Rip grandma. Did that. The spooge hit her right in the face.

Just killed her. My mom will kill me for telling this publicly, but I guarantee I'm the only dirtbag in the family that listens to y'all. Hilarious. He's just like. that listens to y'all. Bye. Oh, man. Hilarious. Because he's just like. He's like, oh, yeah. Right. Oh, yeah.

You went to fucking come, old lady. Oh, dear. Oh, my goodness. That's a lot of spooge. He threw his spooge at the glass. Let's go check on the giraffes. All right. Well, that's our show. That's 124. That was fun.

That was a wild ride. That was a wild ride. Sign up. We keep going. The bonus content on the back end of every single episode. You can get that by heading over to patreon.com slash canyoudon'tpodcast Not kidding. It is the number one way that you can support the show.

Make sure it keeps going. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook at CanYouDon'tPodcast. The video version of the show is on YouTube. You can search for CanYouDon'tPodcast. If you want to send something in and you want to have us talk about it on the show, the email address is heyguys at canyoudon'tpodcast.com. If you want to do what Jackson Dial did, or Jackson Deal, sorry, you'll find the P.O.

box right there in the episode description. We love getting the gifts. Rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. Be sure to check out what Uncle Zach is doing over on ScatCast. And that is scat with a K, scatcast.com is where you find everything. And thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't playground on Facebook. It is literally a playground in there. So thank you guys for keeping the kids under control.

I got something for you. A little joke. Love to hear it. Zach has to push the button. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? That's what she said. Spermicide. Do you know the phrase one man's trash is another man's treasure?

Mm-hmm. It's a wonderful saying, but a horrible way to find out that you're adopted. Doesn't quite read the same, does it? It doesn't, no. Like, that's all right. You're my little treasure. Your mommy thought you were a piece of trash. Trash, but you're my treasure. Love you.

Never leave you. Love you. Good night. Don't say it back. Say it back. Good night. Love you. Love you too, mommy. Alright, off to the bonus stuff. Do the thing. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.