Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Finger Guns. Revenge. Pork. Rest Area.

Episode Date: July 19, 2023

How annoying is it when people stop to chat in the middle of a busy walkway, clogging everything up for everyone? Bryan get's super fired up. Let's talk about that, no one caring that you're trying to rob them, having to live full time inside a strip club, getting offered a blowjob while taking a massive dump at a rest area, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/J_LM6uk2_dASend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

finger guns revenge pork rest area joe i feel like this should be your favorite show ever. Ketchup! Yes, Signs 57. But they also make mustard. Oh, that's terrible. So you love ketchup and you hate mustard. Yeah.

How do you get through a barbecue? I don't go. I've been invited in years. That's true. It's because every time I go, it's a disaster. No one ever knows what condiments to put years. That's true. It's because every time I go, it's just a, it's a disaster. No one ever knows what condiments to put out. Joe's coming. They're nervous, like an abusive father coming home.

Is Joe coming? Shit, fucking, they're like sliding condiments. What is he like? Does he like relish? I don't know. I don't know. Just put it out. Put it out.

Just don't invite him. Don't invite him. Hide the mustard. You know what? We're sick. Everyone's sick. Everyone's sick. There's 20 cars out front.

Everyone just shut the fuck up this is surprise hidden mustard hello is there a burger around here for is there a steak for me to put ketchup on around here thanks to everyone who supports us on patreon love you you'll see the link in the episode description send stuff into the show hey guys at can you't podcast.com um i did a tiny bit of scientific research over the last week what are you poking i was just west side in the camera hell yeah nice i don't feel right it did i mean got these gloves on in case people didn't know the gloves were there yeah i was uh just on a quick side quest was uh listening to some west side connection were you actually yeah bow down gangster nation people don't realize high school uh we had a Side quest. Was listening to some West Side Connection. Were you? Actually, yeah. Bow Down, Gangster Nation.

People don't realize how good. In high school, we had started a rap group called the Whiteside Connection. Great. How'd it go? Wasn't racist or anything. Well, we didn't write any. We just. Just talk about Moses Lake?

All we did was created an album with song titles. We didn't actually write any music. I've done that before, too. Yeah yeah it was like 15 just fucking hard tracks oh my god we all had mine was sa blanco i think nice nice yeah just tying in all the races yeah love it yeah i know the scientific research i was doing i was like can snails climb lube stilts? And no, they can't. Because they use their own slime to be like gluey and sticky. So if you put something else between that, they're not going anywhere.

Good news is the government spent millions of dollars studying that. I just spent my entire, every last dime I've got, just go, hmm. Like those big lab glasses, like sitting in my apartment by myself. Not lubing that still, but lubing actual stilts. That looked like it. Yeah, you got it. Well, do they not go anywhere? Would they slide down? They would just not be able to do it.

They can't stick. They got to be able to create glue with their own. So they wouldn't even get off the ground. Nah, not a chance. Good to know. Our sons, yeah. Good to know learn something every day noted you get your phone out you're like okay so put that in the notes snails snails

can't lube climb screenshot right american remind remind me to watch american ninja warrior can't wait to spring that on a date yeah did you know it's that meme of the guy. Oh, yeah. The woman looks all bored. He's like, Smooth kick, climb loop, boom. We're at the baseball game. That bro that's yelling at her. Our son, Seth, went out and did something fucking crazy. Yeah, he did. Gotta give a shout out to Lenny from Iron Lotus,

who went ahead and did this. If you're watching on YouTube, Seth went ahead and got the show logo tattooed on his right ass cheek yep there it is in all its glory look at it i mean that's fine i kiss it yeah yeah well i mean it's a mouth i'd open mouth kiss it oh yeah you had to you have to i think put a hickey right there in the middle yeah uh if you slid it over a little bit to the left it could have been like, can you donut? And just put it over the b-hole.

Yeah. Which is, you know, you get it. But look at that. Look at you, Seth! Was it his wife or girlfriend when she emailed him? She's like, he's the biggest fan ever. Yeah. So, shout out to Seth.

Yeah, he supported it. Fucking love it. Should we tell him that we canceled the show next week? Oh, yeah. That would be fun. Yeah. Sorry, Seth. Sorry, Seth. Sorry, Seth.

This is the last episode. 57, we figured. Catch up. Out. Just get the fuck out of here. God damn, it's so funny. Zach, you were actually, he was, this is, Uncle? Yes.

You out there? I'm here. We were talking about it before the show. You got a tattoo of your band a long time ago. Very smart guy I am. How's that band doing? They've been defunct for about 15 years. When'd you get the tattoo?

2003, 2004, something like that. 15 years ago? It's across my back and it says Downpour. I played in two bands called Downpour. And at the very end of my last stint with the band, I was like, I'm getting a tattoo on my back. even though you knew you're breaking up yeah i was like i spent six years in a band called downpour fuck it might as well spend eternity with it i think i watched too much brad noel sublime videos i was like i'm doing that oh yeah yeah that was it dude like trying

to keep your band together with the back tattoo is like equivalent to like a girl trying to keep a relationship together by getting pregnant fair enough just uh it did not work this will do it this will flex the old little uh little needle in the condom action oh that's basically yeah i mean don't admit to that that's i think it's felony i haven't done it oh it didn't work though. I'll tell you that. Have you guys met Ezra? Uh, one last quick note. Oh no. Before we get going. And I've never been more jealous ever than our kids, Emily and Brandon. You ready to hear this shit?

I hope you didn't see this pop up in the emails, but it says, Hey daddy-os, my fiance and I, uh, who is also listening to this. If you read on the show was, uh,

we recently got a new neighbor across the street. Last night, on my way home, they had the garage door open when I drove by. And I see an oversized basket. Only for me to realize it's a fucking hot air balloon basket.

Yeah, yeah. Dude. Or they just like, when they picnic hard. Like, it's either a lukewarm air balloon basket, or they got a, they picnic. And they just like, they picnic hard. Like, it's either a lukewarm air balloon basket, or they picnic. And they're like, hey, you want to take a picnic? They're like, yeah.

You're like, do you know? We're bringing the entire family. We're bringing the whole house. The extended family. Lazy boy. TV. Generator. We are located in central Florida.

We are now just waiting to see if they take off from their driveway or or do hot air balloon rides over our neighborhood we'll keep you updated thanks emily and brandon so they'd either have to take off from their driveway or they have to put it on like a flatbed and drive to a field what a pain in the ass so still not to know where you're gonna end up like hey will you follow us within the flatbed that's not fitting in yeah it's so like it's just like you're going down the highway it's like normal shit you're like oh boat boat boat giant hot air balloon basket i imagine the balloons probably just tucked in there right i mean where else are you putting yeah you got the burner in there you gotta fit all the propane sleeping bag uh your will someone who can fly it

well that doesn't even matter i could pretend to do you know what you're doing no do you know like and one of them has 20 years of experience the other one's a toddler they both have this is the same survival rate yeah in a fucking hot air balloon oh my god so funny well yeah i mean how how when you if you were interviewing for a hot air balloon pilot job like can you do this well i i start lawnmowers it's the opposite of that right right it's just like start lawnmowers. It's the opposite of that, right? Right. It's just like a lawnmower that's really high, right? Yeah. Yeah.

All right. It's like if you were hired. Are you scared of fire? No. Are you scared of dying? No. You got the job. Do you like to smell a wicker?

Do you like to live dangerously? Do you like giant baskets? Yeah. Are you scared of dying? No. You got the job. You're in. You like being trapped? Do you like giant baskets? Yeah. Are you scared of dying? No. You got the job. You're in. You like being trapped with strangers in a giant basket?

What do you think you could bring to this hot air balloon company? What do you think you could bring to the table? What do you think you could bring to the basket? What do you think you could bring to the basket? What do you think you could bring in the basket? What? Do they ever wear helmets? I know it wouldn't help, but wouldn't it be awesome if it's like, here you go.

Just to give you the illusion of safety fucking seatbelts a little seatbelt yep if you're gonna do that just give them a fucking parachute

if you have room for a helmet you have room for a parachute or a sumo suit maybe it could bounce put everybody in those balls

those like inflatable clear balls yes beautiful view oh man you know we're just. Honestly, every car should like have something like that. Like you, you should.

No, no. Like the, the, those balls. I'm for that. Instead of the. Holy shit. Just picturing a head on collision. Fucking freeway. It's just parachutes

deployed. You have to lift them up to see the wreckage. Everyone's on the outside going like this. But they're out the window. They're not trying to slow down the car. There's like half of it's out the sunroof. You're like, well, they tried oh shit tried fuck the cousin like this and then

instead of an airbag it's just a parachute shooting out the window somebody got confused and they took the airbag and it's in some airplane and the parachutes in the car same thing right i mean the airbag's gonna blast back. I need something to blast me forward. I'm putting a fucking parachute in. Okay. I really think, though, I think we should probably move on, but I really think that those inflatable balls

that you can wear in collisions, like if you had some sort of a suit that you put on when you get in the car, and then if you get hit on impact, those things expand. That sounds smart. See how many people would live through that accident. Yeah.

I watched a dude get hit by a car in one of those and went flying. Yeah. And into the trees. I don't even know if that was real. It didn't look real. You're right. There's no way. It flew too far.

Yeah. I mean, unless you want to die. And it landed on his ankle or something. Have you seen mooses get mean get hit by cars they go flying as heavy as they are that far though well not that far but i'm saying and they live way less than way less than a wait they weigh way less than a moose yeah so i can see a thing going for i love how your concern was like about the distance yeah i was like you're not gonna live you're like i don't know man those things aren't magic so they just killed that guy they didn't do it i think it's fake i don't know look pretty real i hope it's real i don't know

a lot of people tried it after they saw that you know that have you seen jurassic park see all the people that died jumping out of boats i know that was a whole thing i wasn't sure yeah because you're making fun of it. And I was like, no, you can't. And then, yeah, people are dying. Guess where we're at? Florida.

Weird. Weird. Florida, man. Okay, let's move on. Yep. We have a lot of fun. Zap! Fuck yeah!

Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Meh. What? I was just, I was just doing the honk, doing the honky noise. or motion this i'm really excited yeah i i sent this around to both you and you workshop it a little bit yeah i was just like it's just as

funny as i as i want it to be and it's because i mean i was just I was losing my mind. My imagination was going wild. Here we go. Would you rather live on the top floor of a 30-story condo building, but the elevators randomly don't work for five days out of the month? Okay. You don't know what days. Or you have to live inside a strip club full-time okay so you don't they could be five in a row or they could just be five random whenever yeah could be like come home with

the groceries oh my god can you imagine costco trip i will my wife just went to costco today yeah and that's a pain in ass just go into the trunk and bring it in at once you know on the first floor yeah that's what three steps the ass. Just go into the trunk and bring it in on the first floor. Yeah, that's what? Three steps? Three steps up? And you're like, 30-story condo building. I think I'd have to make sure I got an out window and I'd get a little pulley system.

Okay, well, it's a workaround. Yeah. I mean, also, I would love a jet pack. They have them. With a helicopter pad on top. And'd be like fuck is it out again like god damn when you open your the back the hatchback you get in your balloon do this lotus many groceries on your arms as you possibly can because you're a superhero yes and you do that anyway yeah of course and you just jet pack your way up the fucking building with milk and eggs all the people that you'd be passing their windows while you're you're like you look like iron man that just went to costco yeah iron man but you just have like a

giant uh toilet paper paper that's exactly what i was gonna say there's some other random shit you got fucking toilet paper and like the most amount of cheese and double a batteries 60 rolls and a dog bed you didn't need and an 85 inch television it's a little throwback let's throw back for you how many times you'd have to go back up and forth and then people are just sitting

on their deck elevator's must be out again that's what we're off track I promise well that means

you have to take that means you have to have the jetpack with you at all times too because you never know locked in fueled up

ready to go maintenance hanging out in the back yeah you'd have it in like your the trunk of your car you have to have one up in your closet because well no you have a rope oh you have a parachute oh yeah getting down is no problem you have a hot air balloon yeah um but like that i mean the tail end of a work day that's just kicked the shit out of you a big road trip with the kids it's not just about you imagine you're tired ass shitty stupid fucking kids and they're asleep and you want you got to get them usually you just carry them inside and lay them on the couch of their bed you have them like this and you're doing like a like a knee thing to keep the kid asleep and you push the button it goes man and you're like yeah fuck fuck fuck i mean yeah you're gonna get a workout but that's you you wish you could just leave like you could kill everybody like that's what in that moment you wish that

everyone you knew was dead around you i think certainly your loved ones including yeah including yourself like you just want out that's 60 flights of stairs i think i'd have to get like a an rv or something and just park it down in the parking lot because you like you get there and doesn't work you're like i guess we're sleeping in the camper tonight honey you were gonna we were having sex night anyway i'll be in the camper yeah imagine trying to lift your your kid you're holding him you you have to grab your jet pack yeah it just starts moving you're like honey he's flying with kids again trying to keep it quiet yeah it's like trying to muffle it or how you keep kids sleeping sleeping you just put like there's like some

noise canceling headphones over his head and you're like okay okay okay some jet engines take off so funny i mean so inconvenient well think about it like you it's like you get a new couch or something you know like anything like or you got to get up early to go catch an airplane you got all this luggage or i think get buying some furniture wise when you have to move in yeah i mean you're brand new it's a gamble it's a gamble you go down you're like shit i forgot my wallet like you're ready to go like the elevator worked you got down and you're ready to go to whatever adventure you're going on with your family that shit forgot my wallet it worked today yeah and you're like shit forgot my wallet you go back doesn't work you're like fuck um something that should take 30 seconds

you guys go on without me i'll see you on tuesday i like how neither of you guys have entertained the strip club option here it's coming yeah we haven't even gotten to that line dude living in a strip club that is oh my god that's a way to kill your boner. Kill it. Dude. Never work again. Yeah. Like, and they haven't, they don't, it's not a custom script club. Can you imagine fucking next to the stage? Like at fucking 2am? You got a big day tomorrow? Or you just wake up for work.

You're sleeping on the stage? I just picture like you're waking up because then you, uh, yeah. Because you move over, it's time for candy. You candy you're using the public bathroom blowing dollar bills off your face no it just hits you in the face like destiny will you come get this i think it's a 20 and pull the sheets over your head you're like fuck fucking we got we got fantasia you're like fuck Fantasia likes to get down God she She uses the whole stage

She uses Freebird Yeah Yeah She dances the Freebird Ten minutes Extended cut And you're just laying there Extended solo

Well Well Well Well Well Well Well Well

You're just like She must have picked up a shift You try to have your office somewhere And it's like back in the dressing room Like everyone's getting ready The strippers are fucking You know doing stripper stuff Doing coke

Doing blow Doing all this shit And like you're just Like having trouble with your printer Having excuse me having to get by him you're like you open the like the paper drawer there's a fuck panties in there or the little paper tray like over the top of your computer they're hitting you in the face like fucking god damn it dude oh and then uh fun out there like you're cheering them on yeah yeah good too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good luck. You're a good coworker. Brick a leg.

You're doing a Zoom call. Yeah. You got your kids, and you guys, you know, get back home. You're like, all right, kids, you know what it is. Yeah, blindfold time. Blindfold time. And then you have to blindfold your kids and walk them back to their bedroom, which is in the kitchen.

It'd be awesome if you guys just all worked there. Yeah. Yeah. Your wife's a stripper. You're the DJ And the kids are locked in the basement Yeah Or you just get them started early Get them a mop Training It's just a mop

Oh no Wet ass pussy It's like you don't have to mow the lawn But you gotta mop the floor They're like what Last week you made me mow her lawn Just that feeling of like Walking in a strip club and the music

And there's just The smell and everything And the excitement when you walk in Or when you really want to But knowing you just said like Oh I gotta go run and get some excitement when you walk in or when you really want to. But knowing you just said like, oh, I got to go run and get some milk. And you walk out. Dollars flying. You come in with a bag of groceries.

You're walking through. You're like, excuse me, excuse me. Hey, give it down the front. I live here. You and the fan get home from like a beach day. All kind of slumber, tired, a little drunk Covered in sand Fucking scooting everybody through

Sorry, excuse me, excuse me Would you rather try to Oh shit, it's today two for one? Fuck, I forgot it was Thursday It's amateur night It's amateur night Honey Would you rather try to get your kid

Inside, into bed In that apartment Or that condo That doesn't work or through the strip club that's a good app you walk in there and dudes are like oh yeah yeah oh yeah oh yeah i wore my special sweatpants or whatever or whatever the boner revealing sweatpants yeah i wear crotchless sweatpants yeah get your 20 bucks worth yeah get that on adam and eve whatever adam and steve nice that's a different script club i can see steve wearing some gray sweatpants you know the like the onesies that they make that has like the the flap on the back

these are on the front the front he's wearing backwards style points i don't know man i think just because you're going to get at least like you know on average what 25 26 days a month of normal life in the strip club you're getting zero like that's just a fucking nightmare i I mean, it smells good. I mean, probably if you have a data limit on your phone, save tons of money just by walking out of your room. If you just needed to rub one out real quick. You're like, hey, honey, I'll be right back. Oh, I'm just going to the bathroom. And you just never come back.

I think I just put a window. I would just try to avoid looking. And then anytime you wanted, you, have a flap and pull open. You just see Fantasia out there just swinging titty. You're like, oh, fuck, can't sleep, and just rip the blinds up. Mm-hmm. Just laser the neon lights. Your wife's like, what the hell?

Oh, ladies and gentlemen. Get your dollars ready. Get your dollars ready. Gentlemen, get your umbrellas ready. It's time for sunshine. Fuck, it's so good. Hope you brought some sunblock. Yeah, get your SPF.

What's a 69? Hey, hey. It's like, what's a 69? Oh, yeah. There it is. All right. Well, I'm going to live in the condo. That's my pick, yeah yeah you down for it yeah i think i could i think i'd get down with that okay club condo you'd stay in shape in the condo i'd

go with okay okay i think yeah but god be so annoying i think what i would do is i just have to work at us you would just have to go upstairs but like fuck i keep i for some i keep thinking that i'll know which days and i can be like i'm just not gonna leave the house today and then every time i realize no you never know it's like fuck and it's a day like you're gonna get a full 24 that's how i'm kind of picturing it it's not like you have to do it one time like you're going down you're going back up if anything else happens you're down there see i was visualizing like it works on the way down and then you're like oh i forgot my wallet i go to back and now it's not working yep yep and then it does not work from that point forward for a long time i'm still going condo man i can't do strip club life yeah i mean plus you're living in a condo

i mean it means you probably got some money i mean i love chicken nuggets as much as the next guy but i gotta do the condo yeah i gotta do the condo is it one of those trip clubs that has like a buffet and stuff is it in portland yeah yeah sure you kids you gotta celebrate in a big day yeah everyone the family goes out and they're dishing up where are we going for my birthday dinner where the fuck you think we're going yellow slop or red slop where the fuck you think we're going diamonds working tonight god deja food hell yeah uh all right let's move on you had a busy you had a busy fucking weekend yeah but i'm actually pretty jealous yeah zach will you do the the thing the button thing hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing

actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about i'd kind of like to take a moment to go over um our text thread the other day. Oh, okay. I'm grabbing my phone. One second here. This was not expected. Okay, let's see here. Okay, so here you sent me a thing. You were on the news. Yeah. So I looked at that and I said, ha ha ha. And I made some jokes about it.

And then I wrote this three times on Tuesday. Where are your seats? I'll look for you on TV. Hey, man, where are your fucking seats? Then all caps, hey, where are your fucking seats, bro? I sent you a picture. You sent me shit. That was at the Home Run Derby.

Wasn't that not the same day? No. Oh, shit. And then I just thought you were dead. Dude, I had... You want to know why? Because I had to entertain a family Oh Yeah

That's why No I get it It was non-stop fucking Walking around Seattle In and out of stadiums And it was hot And there was Way more people than I thought

Well I mean I knew there was going to be a lot of people there But Jesus Christ. Where were your fucking seats? Where were your fucking seats? It was right above the Hidden Hair Cafe, section 309, row 4, seats 11 and 12. For Derby and All-Star Game? Yes. Okay.

I figured as much. Thank you. Right where the picture I sent you was. The day before? God, my hands are all sweaty now. Yeah, they are. i'm all worked up this is all i need i was already i was already worked up about what i was what i was gonna talk about on your face what's scarier than someone with uh fingers gloves getting a little sweaty

no someone taking off fingers gloves that's how you know they're on medication They're like If you piss someone off where they're like Alright, you son of a bitch I don't want to get these dirty You're not worth the laundry detergent To wash the blood out of these fucking Masterpieces

Your DNA all over my shit I'm taking mine out You're in your Seattle All-Star Game, Home and Derby And it was a three four day event so we're we're we're just busy all fucking day and uh all week and like i said there were a lot of people there i didn't imagine i didn't because when you go to mario games there's just not that many people someday like the opening weekend there was a lot of people a big giveaway but most games it's not that bad you can get to where you need to go

this time was fucking insanity because it was sold out yeah it was more people than probably should have been there and i have my son who's seven you you know, when he's this little guy. So I have to hold on. I'm like, do not let go of me. I have all of our stuff. You will die. Yeah. Yeah.

It was basically like, he felt like he was like, he, if I let go of his hand for just a second, he thought he was going to get swept away in the fucking jet or the rip current. That was the, it's like the Lion King scene. Yeah.

Yeah. With the, that's the way it felt. The yaks. There are Oakland A It's like the Lion King scene. Yeah. Yeah. That's the way it felt. The Yaks. There are Oakland A's. There are Oakland A's fans, right? So that could be a problem. Yeah. Well, there were a lot of them there, and they were like,

Sell the team! Exactly. Sell the kids! They had a whole thing. They were handing out pamphlets and everything. Out in front of the gate, it's like an actual organization now. They were trying to sell the team. CO3 nonprofit? Or whatever it is. CO13 co503c 503c anyway go ahead copd opp methylcelioma or

methylcelioma there it is mesothelioma there it is um anyway so just thousand billion fucking people And uh Outside's one thing Cause you know There's a lot of people Whatever But when you're walking around the stadium And you just wanna get Your favorite pulled pork sandwich

From a restaurant And get your kid Some french fries Cause he's a picky eater So I know I know where I have to go I'm not walking around to just Taking the sights

I've been to the stadium I love bumping into strangers 300 fucking times I wanna just get to. I'm not walking around to just take in the sights. I've been to the stadium. I love bumping into strangers. 300 fucking times I want to just get to where I'm going. And so I got to go to a couple different places. I know where I'm going. There's a section where the right field connects with, it's like a 90 degree angle, whatever, the right center corner. We got stuck in that section.

I shit you not. It was like 15 minutes. We were walking. It was like baby step, baby step, stop, baby step, baby step,

stop. And it was, I mean, it was people that have not, a lot of Seattle people, but a lot of people have been out of town too, that they just don't know the stadium. So they get all fucking congested in there.

And I had this kid who's got to pee. He's hot. He just wants, he's hungry because he's picky. So I have to get him a certain thing of food. I'm sweaty, pissed off. And we try to get through this section. We finally get fucking through it. And this was the first day.

This was the home run derby day. Finally got in our seats. All was well. The next day we come back for the game. And there's more people for the all-star game. Should have had like a cattle prod. I, I shit you not. Like I'm a, at heart, I'm very timid person. Like I, you know, we, we can joke.

I can make a lap, people laugh, whatever. But like at heart, I'm like, you know, like head down. Like I don't want to stir the pot.'t want to i was boiling like at the point of wanting to just attack people because you're walking you're on the right side the people going the opposite way or left side right because emulate the road because this is fucking america if we're in somewhere else where it's not that You switch it around to the other side But here that's the way it is

Imagine being on the fucking freeway And people stopping their cars To have a conversation in the middle Rolling down Pardon me do you have any grey poupon In the middle of the fucking freeway With traffic moving Do you have a piece of gum?

Or talking about how much beer prices fuck we're we're walking we're walking to get to our to get to the fucking sandwich and i'm and i'm just walking these people they just like a group of six people stop in the middle of the fucking walkway yeah And they're having a conversation. Like, man, can you believe how much beer prices are these days? Yeah, great joke, dad. Like, I wanted to beat him over the head. Good thing I shuffled around some of my investments this morning.

These prices are ridiculous. Oh! are ridiculous any any generic white dad conversation you can fit into a stupid conversation they're having that in the middle of the fucking walkway and then you have people that are that are yeah how how can you not notice that people are trying to get by you i don't know and if you're slow what do you do you get to the right right like like in a fucking uh street you go in the right lane so the other lane can move no no so they're in the middle then there's people that are they're trying to go the opposite way they're upset so now they're trying to cut through the line to where people are coming this way so now you have people coming oncoming traffic trying to get around

a fucking 60 car pile up on the freeway you know i never thought it's before i think because this i mean this problem is pretty unique to sporting events like stadiums i mean concerts kind of it can happen the grocery store too yeah but not like this no think about all-star weekend yeah and they just have like sheep dogs yeah they like are barking and like pretending like nipping at your heels to get you to do the right fucking thing dude that'd be so good i can move it i move it like scaring the shit out of you that's fantastic i love that fuck you're picking your kid up like god damn it what's going on around here and then the other one was you're explaining the saga

and i want to call it like lord of the onion rings like this quest that you're on just to get something specific yeah you guys you're here and you're trying to get the thing garlic fries yeah and you're gonna be back in i. Garlic fries. Yeah, and you're going to be back in, I don't know, 400 years. Well, that, and so the first day when we got stuck in that corner, the next day I was like, we were right at the, because that's where my sandwich was. You can see it. You can see Frodo. So, yeah, so the corner is there, and I can see the congestion's happening again.

Where my sandwich is, it's right by that spot. So I got two of them, and I was like, well, we need to get fries. And I know where the congestion is happening again. Where my sandwich is, it's right by that spot. So I got two of them. And I was like, well, we need to get fries. And I know where the fries are. They're on the other side. That's why I got caught in there the first time. So what happened was. Fool me once.

Can't get fooled again. So I was like, nope, not doing that. So we get my stuff. So I'm like, it'll be shorter to walk all the way around the stadium. It'll be quicker. But this was when people, everyone was showing up. So this is now we're in a situation where you get some momentum, you're walking. And then that's when you run into the people that are having the conversation.

And it was, and then you're already so pissed off. Cause I was like, I came this way to avoid fucking the Bermuda. Yeah. Diangle. Hi, you. Yeah. And now I'm caught up in that. And now my son's really hungry.

And he's upset because we haven't gotten a ball yet. That's a story for another day. I picture you making the game time dad decision. When you're walking up there, you're like, not doing this. But like, son, you're going to get your steps in. We're walking all the way around. And you've been following this dude that has like a pretty memorable shirt on. Like, I don't know, whatever.

You can, just something cool. Like, no fear. Bad boy. Yeah, no fear. Frank Thomas. Like, it's just like, you're like, fuck yeah, that's sick. I remember that. And then you're like, follow me.

And you do the whole thing and you get back around to your sandwich thing and he's the person right in front of you. You're like, fuck, dude. Just right there. Same dude. He just, he goes, oh, excuse me. Like he's, it's that close to you making up any ground. Yeah.

Like you would have been, I mean, a little bit of satisfying or satisfaction. Is that a word? Satisfaction. Satisfaction. Satisfaction. Fuck. That's fine. been said i mean a little bit of satisfy or satisfaction is that a word satisfaction satisfaction fuck that's fine um if you were if frank thomas no fear was behind you but if he's squixin right in front of you after a trip around the whole stadium that's a big trip let's go on walk oh talk about the big hurt i'm tempted to put the gloves back on because that's the way i felt i wanted to physically harm people and there was i've never even heard or seen that close i know with you i know and how would i do one so in one of the sections i was trying to get and you could

see people it's like it's i could compare this to the freeway because you know when you're driving on the freeway and like you're in the fast lane but it's going slow and then you see people get out of the lane and they try to come up on the side to get in so you're like fuck you you speed up so they can't get in it was that same sort of feeling when i'm like i've been waiting this line for a long time and then people are trying to like skim and then get their way and, like, fuck. Like, honestly, like, you want to backhand the fuck out of them and be like. Quicker little penguin, stinky penguin walkout. Yeah, yeah. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop.

Oh, you're going to squeeze in here? Yeah. No room for you. Like, I want. Seats taken. And I want everyone else to have that aggression to where if they see that, I'm not the only guy going, no, no, no, no, no. Like, in my head, everyone's going to turn around and go, get the see that i'm not the only guy going no no no no no like in my head everyone's gonna turn around go get the fuck back you get the fuck back don't think so

and if i say that to them they're all like yeah yeah yeah we got your we got your back what's your name brian yeah are you brian you bet your ass i'm b buying i did get one of those yeah well boy yeah i got a boy drunk guy $600 beer yeah fuck you buying look i had nothing to do with this buddy um anyway so that's i yeah i love sporting events and i especially like i haven't taken my son to a football game yet because it's just so bad. But even the baseball game, just drunk fucking assholes into the bathroom. I just tried to get in there and take a piss.

And there's just pubes and piss all over those fucking urinals. And I could never, you know how I am around fucking public toilets. And they had the kid, I just wanted to let him use the kid urinal. Some dude just over there with his beard is fucking pissing. The game hasn't even started yet. He's standing on top of it like a fucking gargoyle. Yeah, he's shitting in it. The front facing, his feet are in it.

It's tradition. So I had my son stand next to me. He's on his tip. He tells him like, but he's still touching it. Because there's just fucking curly pubes and all over the thing. It's just so fucking gross. And there's piss all over the floor.

And like we just gotten there. That sounds like Seattle in a nutshell to me. Yeah. This is bringing back a really a memory that I just came and went. And it's a pretty good one. It was as it was as it was young and you're you know you're doing bathroom stuff and he's using kid urinal and i'm using uh the kid urinal because i'm short uh but i look over and homeboy is just resting his dick and

balls on the edge of the urinal yeah like it's a like a foot rest yeah but for your dick rest he just just on there and i went no like like and you're like who are you like you gotta fucking like i'm gonna save you like you can't do that you just sprain his dick with just hanging tiny little boy testicles over the rim and you're like oh man gosh dang i didn't know that was a sign of autism anyway yeah my our youngest he'll like you know you'll just be standing waiting in line somewhere he'll just be like like licking whatever's in his vicinity my one of my biggest fears is that he's gonna be in a bathroom like that and you start like licking the fucking handle while he's peeing or something you know

dingleberries taste like dingleberry yeah deep throat in the flusher you're like god damn it dingleberries taste like dingleberries we are the dreamers yeah anyway yeah don't stop in the middle of the fucking way yeah literally ruins everything wherever you're at the grocery store have your pull over have your conversation out of the way people are coming through with their fucking carts you know like just get the hell out of the way why are people so it's it makes me like as a person who is like super conscious of that where like i know if i'm in someone's way i'll like i stress that even when i'm on the freeway if i know someone's coming up i'm like fuck i gotta get over so i gotta i hurry

up to get around a car because i don't want to be that guy you're like oh gosh that car is fast yeah like oh but i i start getting stressed out like yeah i want to get out this person's way because i know how this feels so it's really frustrating when you were like very aware of a situation like that and then no other people they just don't care not even close yeah it's awful it's terrible like why do i why do i care why do i let people in because sorry just a cross you have to bear big old heart yep sorry you know what's happening around you like that's something you have to live with and i don't always i don't know always know everything but but this specifically i'm very aware of that i agree most things i'm probably not i'm probably doing stupid shit that people are like that dude how could you ever that dude's fucking annoying but this uh last thing before we take a look at some

dick this week sweaty but yeah funny thing that i heard i don't even know where i heard it but it was a long time ago and i still do it and i don't know why is when you're in some of those congested situations you start mooing just do a cow noise no way and you'll always get a laugh oh what so what we did there's a woman standing next to us and we just started saying that she was pregnant. We were like, lady with a baby! Her water broke! Her water broke!

And then, so I had a little water, and I splashed it. Just, I was like, I was trying to do whatever I could to get this fucking... Just needs some fucking garlic fries. You're looking around, you're like, fuck, what can I do? I'm going to pretend that you're pregnant and your water broke. Yeah. Well, her husband was like, do it. It was like,

oh, she's pregnant. And I was like, that's brilliant. Lady with a baby! And then it was a ha-ha, a couple laughs. I'm like, her water broke, ha-ha-ha.

I'm like, I'm not kidding. And then it went splash. Oh my God. Well, that's funny. Yeah. Did it work? No. No.

No one cares. It was like at a concert when you're in the mosh pit and you're being squeezed and there's nothing, like those people that died at the concert. You're like, it was like at a concert when you're in the mosh pit and you're being squeezed and there's nothing, like those people that died at the concert. You're like, oh my God, I think I'm going to die. There's nothing you could do. And everyone's like, I know it's just to die for, isn't it?

Yeah. You don't get it. Like I'm literally going to die. Yeah. Um, okay. Let's take a look at some dick. All right. Are you ready?

All right. I'm glad you didn't punch anybody. I want to see some tits. I know you do. Not today. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? is it cool is it interesting is it cool all right here we go this isn't funny yeah it is because it wasn't because it wasn't us

but this story popped up i'm just reading i was no fucking way. Woman hit streak of bad luck in a single day with a house fire, motorcycle crash, and cancer diagnosis. This sounds a lot like my all-star experience. Well, I mean, yeah. Tomato, potato, whatever. You know what I mean? You're like, I can relate. Let me tell you. Oh, man. Oh, my God. I didn't even get my fries and my kid was crying. You're like I can relate Let me tell you Oh man

Oh my god I didn't even get my fries And my kid was crying And my kid wanted a ball I couldn't get it There's piss on the floor She goes I'm dying And I'm homeless

Yeah And I broke all my ribs You're like Yeah Samesies Yeah Sunday afternoon Fire destroyed

An Iowa couple's home And it's just the start Of a very bad sunday they were riding their motorcycle when they were alerted that their home was on fire isn't that the lord's day yeah wait well maybe there's none that's what happened if they made the church on time wendy hansen crashed her motorcycle on the way home she suffered broken bones a lot of bumps bruises i ended up hitting a culvert or something or a rut in the tall grass. She said she was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Once in the hospital, the day got worse.

They found cancer, but I didn't know I had, Hansen said. And it was kidney cancer. Jesus. Hansen, mother of 48, and she was diagnosed with cancer and she died at 52. So like, this is just a spit ball of shit. Okay. Wendy is now 47 and says she will likely need to have the kidney removed doctor tried to put a silver lining on her cloudy day she said the

motorcycle crash was a blessing otherwise i wouldn't have known it was there that is you know and that's what life's all about always look on the right we're like side of life. Yeah, you're like, if I didn't smash my face into the asphalt, I might have died of cancer. I'm so glad I lost the side of my face. So they lost their home and six pets, along with their motorcycle crash. Six pets and cancer diagnosis. That's not funny at all. Six pets. No, I was kidding. It's not funny at all six pets no i was kidding it's not funny it's fucking crazy

but those like it just reminded me of uh i don't know picturing anybody sure wendy when they're like fuck man we can't get any worse yeah and it just keeps getting worse well that's like over and over that's like a sitcom thing where like oh at least it could at least it couldn't get any worse and then they cut to like something worse happening at least the roof i fix isn't leaking yeah and then it right yeah it's just like but i can't even imagine just i mean cancer aside finding out your house is on fire yeah you're like oh shit and turn around to go back home and then fucking crash on your motorcycle and you're like i guess i don't know find out about my home later the doctor's like no i'll get you home soon we would we would have gotten you home hours ago but hours ago but your home's not there you're gonna need a head day chemotherapy oh my god that's like

obviously people have had worse worse a worse day because like someone died or they died or whatever but like one of those things like, like the dominoes falling. I don't know if it gets much worse than that. I don't think it does. I mean, what, bad things happen in threes? It just happens all to her. But they all just happen in three minutes. They happen to three different people.

But they all three happen to her. I found some truth in the three thing. Have you guys? Yep. Yeah like i don't know i don't know what are you are you calling me a liar no i said if you look for it so it's not real so so now i live in fantasy land it's not that it's not real but you determine what those three things are i'm with you totally agree but it does feel like that's kind of kind of true when you're like this this you're like what else and there's usually almost one more thing that's like enough of a of like a hiccup or an obstacle in your life you're like yeah it fucking sucks like it's just whether it's self-inflicted or not but it usually happens

like it's probably self-inflicted you're like i've only had two shitty things i need one more to happen get it out of the way and you just jump off a flight of stairs yeah you just run run as hard as you can into a wall run all the red lights like well that's two well that's two and you start fucking google searching hot air balloon rides you get it what a way to go i can't stop talking about that so funny but that's it so sad wendy we love you i mean i can't imagine well what's scary though too is that her mom was 48 when she was diagnosed and died from it so she's thinking i got diagnosed basically at the same age so she not only did she get diagnosed with cancer, but probably is thinking I'm going to have the same fate as my mom. So that's fucking awful.

Terrible stuff. Um, okay. What did you find? Hopefully the GoFundMe pays for a new house. Right. Better build it fucking fast. All right. Those two.

Okay. Go ahead. Never mind. Um, uh, save me. Go. Okay. Go. Faster Never mind. Save me. Go. Go. Faster, go.

I was going to play this video, but no, there's an ad playing. God damn it. Oh, God, don't do that. Oh, you got to turn it down. Okay, go ahead. What is it? So this is the worst attempted robbery that I have ever seen in my entire life. Okay.

Do you want me to play the audio? Because you kind of need to see it, but let's see if it does anything. Guys walking in. Guys walking into the store. People are eating. Get out! Get out of the money! It's got the pockets! Empty out your pockets. Get out of the money! Get out! Hello? Where's the money? okay so what's happened so far he walked into a restaurant and had like maybe a shirt or salon

sorry and had something over his hand like like he had a gun he's like give me all your money and there's a table people just sitting there and they're kind of just looking at him and then i think somebody they answered the phone behind the desk they're like hello like they're just taking an order hello 9-1-1 was your emergency yeah they're uh it's an undercover it's a whole undercover cop salon all right so let's see where this goes oh my god everybody give me everything everybody give me everything Oh my God. Give me the money! Where's the money? Everybody give me everything! Everybody give me everything.

Where's the money? No one's moving, except for this one woman. Just staring at him. So, like, so right now, just so you can picture what's happening, everyone, a woman got up and walked out, and he ran over, he's like, give me your money! She just kept walking out. The only reason she left, because she got her nails walked out and he ran over. He's like, give me your money. She just kept walking out. The only reason she left because she got her nails done. Yeah, she was done. She's waiting for somebody else.

She had to go get in the car line to pick up her kid. It's the only reason she left. So he's now standing in the salon, kind of looking around like, is anybody listening to me? Dude. And everyone's just, they're just sitting in there kind of looking at him. They don't seem upset at all. No Then he just walks he walks out And then he goes give me your money and the woman outside like I don't have any I just spent it on me

He just walked it off Say he just walks up and the woman walks back into the salon He walked in he walked in like dude, I'm going to make so much money. The pep talk on the outside. Yeah. You got this. You got this. People think you don't know how to do it.

And they were right. You show them. You show them. Like last time, he's like, well, last time you forgot to cover up your finger gun. So this time, you're going to put a cover up your finger gun so this time you're gonna put a shirt over your finger gun right and it's gonna look like a real gun yeah no one's gonna believe you and and last time you whispered you're like give me the money and this time you're not gonna whisper right well you're gonna talk it just a little bit yeah he's outside he's practicing

hey he's like looking at his reflection in the in the window with the nails along his finger gun he goes yo i'm fucking terrified that looks good that looks good he's looking at him he's doing like fucking double seven trying to figure out like how like how he wants to hold his finger gun he's like taking pictures of him going like this. Zooming in. He has it holstered. He's like, he's pulling. He's pulling out his primary money. He's practicing it. He goes inside and everyone's like, fuck you, dude. Like, what happened to him?

How do you just go on with life? I don't know. Because I picture. You're still a real man. You picture like a Hollywood robbery. You know, like they bust in the door like boom boom boom boom boom and they hop up on the thing and they're like all right this is gonna be quick give me your money nobody gets hurt that type of thing and then everyone's like freaking

out that's how you always picture a robbery is gonna be like the pulp fiction restaurant yeah everybody fucking move yeah execute every motherfucking last one of you or whatever she screamed this guy walks in yells at everybody and they're just like they're looking at him like and then the phone rings like something salon's taking an order no i got 330 open yeah he's just like what the fuck and the guy the guy was like because he probably didn't have a gun, right? Well, because he had a... Is this a... So he's like, what do I do? He has a gun, has a shirt over the gun. Yeah.

I never thought about that. Never. It's like... You won't believe what's under here. Yeah. We'll show it to us. I can't. I can't.

It'd be too scary. I don't want to clean up your poop. I don't have a mop. I'm not taking the'd be too scary. I don't want to clean up your poop. I don't have a mop. I'm not taking the shirt off my gun. But like, I've never once have you taken the shirt off. It's a fucking AK. Right. No, it's a rubber band gun.

You walk in to it underneath your shirt and then you pull it out to reveal the gun. To make them listen. Yeah. You don't ever pull a big-ass gun out and then hide it and then you're like this is too scary it'd be awesome if the dude was still arrested yeah he probably was look at him he he put the gun down and now he's gonna play it up he's like all right fucking cuts his hand off because he he's got it he's got it he's got to stick with the plan he had a gun so he's like all right i'm gonna he's like wait wait turn around he has a sharpie he's just drawing like

trying to draw a gun on his hand shove your hand hang on hold on fuck i'm so sweaty he's like he's doing this one like he's licking the end of it he's going fuck this shit sucks magazine on the other hand stick it in the bottom of his finger gun hand oh i love the concept he's like drop your gun he's like i can't don't put it down or we're gonna shoot he's like seriously i'm gonna need a saw what i'm gonna have to saw my hand off oh man it's so sad yeah i was gonna say like our um uncle zach said he's like hope that he was still arrested i was like of course he was there's no way that the other parts of his life are just going great like he is he's successful he's balanced and really understands everything else in life but then this happens in a robbery no no he's

arrested there's no way i like the idea of him like putting in the work to scout it out yeah like he's been he's been cased he's been casing it for weeks mission impossible like he's like okay alarm system you know fucking midday so many people will be there he's in the cad program like drawn up designs and shit music's playing like a montage yeah and many people will be there he's in the cad program like drawing up designs and shit music's playing like a montage yeah and he's like okay and he's like he's like checking everything in this nail salon he's like okay well they don't have pressurized floors he's like just doing weird shit knocking on the walls and he goes in there with finger guns and he's like god damn it god you're so mysterious he has a breakdown

he's so stupid god you're so bad at this you can't do anything right shirt falls off his finger guns fuck he's just like god damn it he tucks it in his shirt he runs out

I promise it's real it's new new model new model new model I promise I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you I'm going to kill you. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to tickle you.

I'm really going to kill you or tickle your armpits. Fucking tickle gun. That would be amazing. Like you get called out. You're robbing a bank. And the teller's like, that's a fucking finger gun. He's like, yeah, well. Stop it, I'm ticklish.

Give me your money. Give me your money. I'm not going to stop you. Come here. I'm going to find it, like squeezing your thighs and shit, like flicking your nipple. You're like, god damn, dude. Here, yeah, take the money the money well so how do you okay here's the question let's say he gets arrested oh yeah does he have to does he have to do the

george costanza thing where he's got to play it cool like no it was a gun because he want he wants to feel hard like because if he goes to jail and he's going to be the laughing stock he goes back home yeah but also he could get out of a... It's not armed robbery if he doesn't have a gun or whatever. But it comes to the time if he pleads guilty or not guilty,

you can go to jail for 20 years, armed robbery. Is he going to take that just because he wants to feel hard? Oh, shit. There's easier ways to feel hard. The judge. The judge. He's talking to the guy.

And he's like, you know, he's just standing there. And he's like, Balaam. He just points to his hand. He's like, I said no weapons in the courtroom. And they're like, oh, yeah, no, I'm sorry, sorry. And he just grabs him by the wrist and walks him up. He like makes him put his hand on the stand. He goes, give me that. And he just folds his pointer finger in.

He's like, okay, you can go back to your table. Pew, pew, pew. And then the rest of the thing, the judge is listening to him, but he's doing this. He's pointing finger guns back at him. He's like, no, you didn't finish what you're saying. Go ahead. Why is that so funny to me? If you had a reputation that that was supposed to be real good.

So finger guns will never be the same, right? Yeah. Finger gun killer? Yeah. How many people he killed? The finger gun chiller. How many people he killed? None.

But God, he was scary. scary tickled a lot of people yeah but i mean i peed my pants um but i'm not because the finger guns because he wouldn't stop tickling my nipples but you know it's not here neither here nor there okay well fuck looking at the time funny let's uh let's let's just let's zach you're out there? Let's skip Petty Beef this week. It's a good one. I want to spend some time on it. And we'll fill that in next week. Let's just take a look at some good news. Okay.

Right now. Zach, do the fucking thing when you have a chance! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! Yeah! I saw a head into the future.

Oh, good job. in the year 2000 i just love stories like this we've talked about fucking like people renovating their basements and finding secret ancient civilizations and it just i mean because you you read stuff like this article and you're like it's everywhere like there's just so much in the ground. And there's so much in the fucking sea. That us humans that think we know everything have no fucking idea. Like, we're, you know, looking at shit that's, what, 300 million light years away. And then below your feet is a civilization. Just like, you know, just a good representation of humanity.

We should have more submarines out there finding stuff. Too soon. Oh, yeah! Kentucky man finds over 700 Civil War era coins buried in his cornfield. Good God. Awesome. Dude, and I'm not going to read the whole article. I don't need to.

But can you imagine? Here we go. So, the Great Kentucky Hoard include hundreds of U.S. gold pieces dating between 1840 and 1863, in addition to a handful of silver coins. The man who discovered the hoard, whose identity and specific location have not been revealed to the public. I mean, that's like when you win the lottery. He wants to keep it that way. Yeah, he's like, he goes, yeah, I'm just going to keep selling corn. Your corn tastes like-

The William Farm. I love your corn. It tastes, or yeah, I love your corn. It tastes like william farm i love your corn it tastes or yeah i love your corn it tastes like old coins shut the fuck up daryl anybody put that together you stupid son of a idiot like grabs him by his flannel pins him against his tractor he's like he's tickling him with a little uh wheat he's like i told you you, you motherfucker. Um, uh, he says, um, this is the most insane thing ever.

Those are all $1 gold coins, $20 gold coins, and $10 gold, gold coins. And then some of them, like the article goes on to say that there's a, there's a ton in this collection that are going for six figures a piece. Fuck corn. Yeah. Fuck corn fuck corn yep he's like i mean what would

you what if fucking unreal the older i get and this is just an old i mean come on old man thing to say the more interest i have in just walking around by myself with some headphones on with a metal detector oh yeah dude like you see that when you're young you're like you fucking bitch nerd this is what you're doing with your time he's never had to pay a mortgage that's why right i mean listen oh man thinking about someone who's been just doing metal detector stuff is there a cool name for it they have to have a cool name there's so many metal detector is pretty fucking cool dude yeah pretty sick detective metal detector that's a pretty cool dick md metal you're a doctor no i'm a metal detector um but thinking about the different calibers of metal detector people

like some dude some dude who's been walking around for decades and he's just like he's found some sick bottle caps and then his best friend is just gold rings fucking diamonds and he's like oh sorry jeff missed another one he's just down the beach he beats him to it every time yeah we're just beats the shit out of him whenever he finds it that's a freaking movie right there dude the just how much how rival how long could you keep doing it? If like you're walking around, you just walked over that spot and then somebody follows you up and finds a box of gold coins. You know what it is? This guy, this guy did it.

He doesn't have it turned on? Or, or, or it's like he's been doing it his whole life. You know, he came from nothing. He scrounged everything he's been doing it his whole life. He came from nothing. He scrounged everything he's got. And then some fucking rich guy went out and bought a million dollar metal detector. Like the high-end metal detector that detects everything. It sucks gold out of the sun. He doesn't even have to dig it out.

It just sucks it right out. This guy. He's like, how come I can't find anything? And then 20 years later, he just finds out he's deaf like a certain frequency and he's like nothing again honey decades of rock music just cut out that frequency he was out he was out finding metal bands that's what he called metal detector why did i even say rock they called him the human metal detector because he'd find like he found metallica and slayer yeah aluminum yeah anthrax called him the the human metal detector i'm just i'm i'm like

really disappointed in myself right now i was like yeah listen to rock music bro we're talking about metal detectors my and you just you just go like yeah rock i'm sorry i've let myself down thanks for picking it up though you picked it up i detected it yeah you did you dug it up you're like hey cool joke oh got it i got it i'll take it from here i'll take it from here you fucking idiot all right um this next this is funny we gotta take a look at um something that was sent in by one of our kids. All right. Hey, Zach, please. The internet is pretty wild.

Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes. That's awesome. found video games am i right i like them this looks like king's quest or something i used to play it's different times i mean as we've just even in the last hundred years we've made a lot of progress i would say a little bit yeah i'm just

kind of this century yeah how we respect each other rights we have ways to go but this was a thing that existed and it blows my mind that someone there was a company that was like this is fucking sweet let's sell it this was sent in by our son cory and it's a video game called custer's revenge oh my god do you know Do you know this? Yes. Oh my God. Very, very offensive. So it's an action video game in which the player controls General Custer who must advance through the playing field and avoid arrows

in order to penetrate the Native American woman. Revenge. And she's tied to a pole on the other side of these obstacles. Who? What? There was a meeting and they're like, let's do it. They're like, I don't know.

Pull the trigger. They're like, listen, I love General Custer as much as the next guy. Yeah. Huge fan. How can we profit off of him? What do you do? I don't know. He fucked a bunch of Native Americans.

I think we work with that. And made a bad decision. A bad military decision. Man. The game consists of four numbered modes of play. Modes one and three are single player campaigns, while modes two and four are hot seat multiplayer games. In modes one and two, the players must only avoid arrows, while in modes three and four,

cacti that appear and disappear at random intervals are added as obstacles. Custard can move left or right if the joystick is moved in those directions, while shifting the joystick up or down will cause Custard to stop. Is this Atari? Uh, sure.

Yeah, I think it is an Atari game. Dude, I'm gonna play it just so we can hear the sound effects. But I can't even. They look naked. Are they naked? Yep. What?

What? Here you go. She's got nipples. Yeah, she's got nipples. He's got a heart on. And he has to dodge the arrows. Be careful, Custer. this is totally atari and then people jerked off to that in the day oh yeah dude i mean those were that's video game nipples

it's a different joystick zach am i right absolutely oh it sounded like space invaders just makes like the like like the funny buzz noise. It really is. Being a video game fella myself, I had no idea that game existed. And for good reason. I'm sure. How long do you think it was on the market? I haven't looked that up.

Did this game exist or is this something that was made recently? Like someone made it? No, it existed. You can. Yeah. Like if you search it, you can go buy it. Yeah. I looked it up.

Um, and some, yeah, some company made it. Some other, like it was like a, like a more adult gaming company bought it and then they released it. 1982. Yeah. For the Atari. That sounds about right what come initial release date 1983 they get that game for christmas my birthday oh thanks mom i've always wanted custer's revenge i mean back i mean this is 40 years ago things were a lot different back then yes they were what is going on what a weird ass

i love the boner that's just great yeah who doesn't love a good boner was that supposed to be like his angry wife i don't know it's just it's all dumb but i didn't know that existed it's fucking insane uh and i guess i felt like it was something that people need to know about you know yeah it's like a part of history where you're like whoa uh yikes guys that's pretty amazing and i bet you the gameplay is just unreal and so much fun oh yeah how many hours of gameplay you get in it well if you play for longer than four hours you have to go to your doctor still got it baby okay let's hear from some of the kids. Let's just get off the boner video game.

Right? Yeah, sure. Hey, Zach! Hey, Lugard! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

This is a fun one. I've never had an experience like this, but our son Mike has a story for us. He says, hey, daddy-o's. So I know you guys were asking for gas station stories, but I promise you rest area people are far more strange. That's a good opener. You're like, okay. If I had a buckle, I'd be buckling up.

My brother-in-law and I both drive pilot cars for those oversized load trucks you sometimes see coming down the highway. Yeah. There are two stories that he told me happened and he stopped to use the bathroom at a rest stop. The first story is weird,

but I promise you the second story is bonkers. Story one begins with him walking into a rest area bathroom to take a leak. It was nighttime. Fuck yeah. That's where all the fun people are.

Yes. And there was only one other car with a guy sitting in the driver's seat i would keep driving this particular bathroom was set up with the left wall it was urinals in a u-shape and the stalls were off to the right as he walks in the guy sitting in the car followed in right behind him my brother-in-law chose a urinal and wouldn't you know it the guy picked the one right next to him out of the corner of his eye trying to figure out what this guy was doing he saw him not facing the urinal directly but staring at him and creepily tugging his half-flaccid dick as far out as he

could what the guy never said a word just stared and tugged talking about a fucking dream so like tug like jerked off or just was like pulling it out yeah i'm i'm guessing it just what do you think about that is that cool what do you think about that you can imagine what it would be like if it was full right what it'd probably be like that i mean what do you think what are you doing i don't know wondering what you're thinking that's what i'm doing thinking about what are you thinking about bro i don't know i'm thinking hope push you put your thing like i hope i get out of here without without that dick filling up with blood yeah is what i'm hoping for uh the second story he told me he said he walked in to take a

shit and again was followed in by a dude that then occupied the stall right next to him. He sat down and proceeded to take a very angry Taco Bell dump. I can hear it. When out of nowhere, a phone appeared under the stall wall with the words, blowjob? Is blowjob with a question mark? While he's taking a shit. He said he angrily declined. No!

Yeah, what did he do? No blowjob! No thank you! Pee pee! Poop pee! I poopjob! No thank you! Pee-pee! Poop-pee! I poop-poop! I poop-poop! But I still wonder if he partook in the man-on-man stranger blumpkin.

Is that what it's called? Blumpkin? Something like that. But seriously, imagine the mindset of someone offering a random dude taking a shit of blowjob in the middle of the day in a rest area. It's mind-boggling. Anyway, sorry for the long email. BLYAT! If you were the one that had to read it. Later, guys. Mike.

I think I told this story before, but I've only had something like this happen once, and it was when I was running early in the morning. Some guy, I think I told you, he was driving by in his car, and he slapped a piece of paper up against the window, and it said blowjob on it. And he kept driving by with it in the windshield and i was just confused and then i finally was like no and then he never rode back back it's a funny parade yeah is he doing that it's a terrible

float fourth of july parade here's in your car with fucking blow job and like fifth grader handwriting oh well it's funny because he drove by he's looking and he and he was kind of giving me like the nod and i'm like what's going on and like he's like okay he's not understanding slap yeah blowjob right on it right like sharpie it's so funny because you know he's been in that situation where like he's trying to like he made the sign yeah he's like trying to convey the message. And I was like, what are you doing? He's like, I got, I fucking got, I need something. So then his, yeah. His second attempt was writing blow job on a piece of, on a, on a, on a McDonald's bag

out of his glove box, license registration. He handed it over and the cop opens it up, flips it over. It says blow job with a question mark. Yeah. Get out of it up, flips it over and says, blowjob? With a question mark? Yeah, they said, get out of the car, sir. He's like, I'm in. You're like, god damn it. I don't fucking want to suck Brian's dick. Okay, you want to read the second email?

I'm sweaty. Yeah, you are. Me too. What's up, fucks? It's all sweaty. I like how you're concerned that your dick was going to be sweaty. Dude driving around slapping blowjob papers through his windows. And he's like, yeah, too sweaty. yeah too sweaty sweaty right now no he's in i don't care what condition your dick's in if you're offering to blow someone's dude while he's taking jogging no like well yeah yeah but

like oh god the dude's just taking like a raunchy splashyy shit, and you're like, oh, God, let me get some of that. Can I suck the shit off your dick? Yum. Can I lick the poop off your balls? Remember that story? Yeah. I still love it. I was hungry.

Okay. All right, here we go. Go ahead. All right. From our steps on Ty. Okay. Who writes, what's up, fucksticks? What's up, Ty?

Just finished listening to Joe's story of fucking up the grocery store with the buns and figured I'd write in about why my wife always reminds me that we don't need any more chili when I go grocery shopping. We're good on the chili! One day while I was at home hanging out with my three-year-old daughter, I decided to get some grocery store shopping done at on the walmart app i guess while thinking uh things to eat playing with my baby i wasn't entirely paying attention and to what it added to the cart well the order arrives my wife asked hey is there a reason you got two cans of chili

my dumb ass stood there trying to sherlock holmes the situation i tell her oh yeah i wanted to do chili cheese dogs but i guess I didn't order the rest. We laughed it off and saved the cans for the next shopping trip. Okay. Well, I went shopping a week later, and as I passed the chili, I thought, oh, shit, let me grab a couple cans, and we can do chili cheese dogs for dinner this week. I grabbed the cans, do the rest of my shopping, and head out. I get home to start and put everything away, as my wife's helping me she says hey you know you got three cans of chili and no hot dog buns

again right fuck me if i didn't have a quite psychotic chuckle so there was five cans of fucking chili in the pantry still no hot dogs so now my wife reminds me every time we get groceries that i don't need chili and laughs. You've parked out by the lakes. You're parked out by the lakes steps on Ty. Ty, you can't stop. Keep going. Yeah, you have to keep buying chili. Yeah, I don't even care how mad she gets.

Or you're like, ah, budget's a little tight. You got to find a way. He should send us his PO box so we can just send it. So everyone can just start shuttling him chili. Even if he buys hot dog buns he should still buy more chili right yeah never buy hot dogs like the next time you go buy three more cans of chili and just buns and then just throw the buns away yeah like at some point i think it's buy more and then buy hot i think it's by hot dogs and more chili so you never have the

right thing you have the chili and the hot dogs but no buns and then you start hiding the chili cans around the house or keep the buns so they go moldy so then you're like oh if we finally have everything and then they're moldy like oh shit these are moldy better get more chili you ever when they're moldy you just look and you like peel the mold section off and throw it away like trying to like uh knife the burnt off the toast yeah i mean you're just tricking yourself at that point i mean if but if there's no mold on the other part, is the bread still moldy? This is a, listen, I'm not a philosopher. If a tree falls in the woods.

Does it make any mold? Does bread still get moldy? Does it still yell mold? Or whatever he said. Or whatever happens. Or whatever happened. I've done that before. I've done it with ranch.

I usually do it with condiments. Where I'm like. There's mold in your ranch? Buying things. I'm like, do i have ranch and you get back you're like yeah you do and it's completely full and it's costco jumbo size do i have any milk you're like oh shit the worst i'm gonna say the worst mold i ever saw was in that liquid chili or not liquid chili the liquid cheese the cheese dip oh like a queso thing yeah

jalapeno and i have no idea how i didn't notice it but on the inside of the on the top on the lid it was black fucking mold and i was just dipping chips like this is so good kind of weird kind of lid off and you just set it off the side you didn't think about looking at it yeah and it was uh i haven't looked at that stuff again disgusting yeah it tastes good it didn't no well actually afterwards when i saw it i think my mouth changed the taste buds for me started the projectile vomiting your brain was like no that's not good no listen we're hungry enough just keep going keep going if it was a gas station burrito maybe yeah i mean that's obviously everyone knows that you're not wasting a gas

station chicken sandwich there's one here in Coeur d'Alene right off of whatever road that is. When you get into town in Coeur d'Alene, I'll eat the shit out of that chicken sandwich. I might stop and get one. I'll race you there. There's only one left. At this point in the day, we'd probably be fighting over it. Probably, yeah. The one they made yesterday that everyone pushed to the back.

That's the one you guys are going to be picking up. I need it. Episode 57. Fun. I had some smiles, some laughs. Yeah. You know? Yeah.

Am I a little sweaty? Who isn't? I got angry. Yeah. I like seeing you angry. That made me happy. You don't want to see me angry. I do.

Actually, I'd be there for it. I'd laugh. I'd clap. I'd cheer you on. I get really angry, but I don't do anything about it. Healthy. Yeah. You know what you should anything about it. Healthy. Yeah. You know what you should do about it?

Go to therapy. If you want to support us on Patreon, you'll find a link in the episode description, patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. And if you want to support Uncle Zach with Scatcast, you have a Patreon, you got all the shit in there too. Oh yeah. Scatcast, that's with a K. S-K-A-T-C-A-Ss-t scatcast.com uh zach's a busy

busy man tons of content a lot of fun go check it out um as far as can you don't instagram facebook youtube you got it email address to send something in hey guys at can you know podcast.com and a shout out to our babysitters moderating our facebook group not doing a joke this week but i got a little little fact oh a factoid if i may let's do it zacky good god wrap it up already huh and admittedly it's not even that cool i know terrible this is terrible setup but that's not the point i'm intrigued okay here we go ready all porcupines float in water. And I was like, that's pretty cool.

And then I was just thinking about the dude that figured that out. What? What was he doing? You just need a sample size, right? Sure. I mean, I don't even care if it's 10 porcupines. That's a lot of porcupines to, will it float? Yeah.

Yeah, will it float? I mean, you're risking their lives. Like, how do you, were you cleaning it? Like, oh shit! Like, you thought you were going to drop it, it was going to drown and you're risking their lives like how do you were you cleaning it like oh shit like you thought you were gonna drop it it's gonna drown it's like i'm good and it goes pop back up you're like oh that's weird bounces up and smiles at you another one you go capture another one right and just start throwing them in the water like just blows oh my god not only is it dangerous to the porcupines but you also yeah yeah i mean there's no way they're down to be thrown into some water or caught yeah i guess that was pretty cute that's pretty adorable

think about some porcupines floating and it also costs millions of dollars from the government probably yeah they're like okay we're gonna investigate this further we you get a three million dollar budget what if it leads to cur cancer? What? What if figuring out that porcupines can float leads to cancer? Whoops. That's what Wendy was doing? That's why we have cancer, because all porcupines float. Yeah, fuck them. And if porcupines didn't float, we wouldn't have cancer.

Yep. That's the Socratic method. Nice job. We'll never know. Think about it. I mean, the porcupines are just as surprised as anybody oh shit no this is kind of this is kind of nice and cool it's kind of like when they figured out how beavers assholes it's called castoreum oh yeah it's like the vanilla ice cream it's like what guy was that that was like let me find the right beaver

asshole to lick nope that's not it nope this one no it's vanilla i'm looking for vanilla bean i'm looking for would you rather would you rather lick like a homeless guy's asshole or a beaver's asshole beaver's asshole i mean it just depends depends on what they had going on that no but before you knew that it was vanilla ice cream still beaver's asshole i mean they yeah they spent i think i would too have you seen a beaver the water. Have you seen a beaver? They're awesome. Have you seen a beaver's asshole? Have you seen a beaver's asshole? Look at it and tell me you wouldn't lick it. Alright, fuck this. We're going to keep going. Bonus content for everyone who supports us on Patreon. If you don't do that,

we'll see you guys next week. Bye, kids! Bye! Outro Music