Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Fitted Sheet. Powerful. Wifi. Morally Gray.

Episode Date: April 16, 2025

A lot of our lives depend on having an internet connection, but have you ever tried to kill your mom because the Wifi got turned off? Let's talk about that, sharing dick tattoos with your coworkers, how does laundry detergent continue to get more powerful, having to address shady conversations you hear in public, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!And a message from your sponsor of today's show... Casserole says thank you lovies, for supporting your Daddies and uncle Zaq.*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/6FyoyR_cjGASend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Fitted sheet. Powerful. Wi-Fi. Morally gray. is that it hey how's it going dude not as cool as 150 but but it's there it's there anything cool with that i don't know i got something yeah i bet you do the number one your mustache dude what's going on what do you mean i love it it's been here for a couple weeks I don't think so What are you talking about? Not like this No, I shaved it all the way to the skin

So my, actually the stubble's growing back So the mustache's been there for two weeks Okay, alright, understood Thanks for noticing Look at it You're welcome Son of a bitch So you have something special with 148?

I guess, if you want to call it special. No. It's actually notable for several mathematical contexts. Okay. It's a composite number divisible by 2, 4, 37, and 74. Boring! It's also the second number that is both a heptagonal number and a centered heptagonal number. Too much school!

Additionally, 148 is the 12th number in the mayan chaula sequence which is the lexicographically smallest sequence of a distinct number integers with distinct pairwise sums okay there's a few more other reasons but i'll let you look up everyone else can look it up there i feel like they want to do that yeah Yeah. All right. 148. That was boring as hell. No, it wasn't. It's just facts, baby. If you want the bonus content, sign up. Support us on Patreon.

Patreon.com slash CanYouDontPodcast. Send your things in to HeyGuysAtCanYouDontPodcast.com. Check out Scamcast. No. Oh. You don't have to. You really don't have to. We're good.

We're pretty full. Okay. Gotcha. We're full over here. We're full over here. We got a nice group. We're going to have our- We don't have to if you don't you really don't have to we're good we're pretty full okay gotcha we're full over here we're full over here we got a nice group we're gonna have we don't like your kind we're gonna have our merch winner announcement next week promise you fuck yeah dude but people are buying merch we're gonna make sure that everyone has a chance to win people so they send an email they're like is it too late is it too late i know look so can you know podcast.com Buy whatever you want. And then you are automatically entered to have a chance to send something to us. We'll sign it.

Send it back. Or you can leave that decision up to us. But in order to get entered into that contest, you have to buy something. So, go to canyoudoepodcast.com. We're doing lap time. What? Good. So, when I sit on your lap, don't make that noise.

What is happening with Scott? Zach is out. Everything we've said, he's like, I don't. No, I'm not in. I don't want you on my lap. I don't want you in my podcast. I am pro. Can you down?

Give us a preview of lap time. What are we talking about? We're talking about Dookie. It's going to be the shit. Just the shit talk. I get it. I got facts about historical Just the shit talk. I get it. I got facts about historical poop stuff. Okay.

I love it. I'll be the judge of that. Well, let's just jump right in. Let's do it. No. Zach, push the button. I don't want to. Let's fucking roll.

It's time. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Sorry, I had a spicy dinner last night or something. That's all right. All right, Brian. Spicy breakfast. You found this fella.

Will you go ahead and read it to us? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. This is sent in for our son, Steven. Okay. And it's quite the email. And it's going to start us off. Hey, you pair of big-titted, red, white, and blue-breasted cum geese. Also, big hello to the funniest communist in the podcast game.

Head sack. From your Stephen Hawking and Helen Keller-loving son here with another Would You Rather. This one a bit less extreme than my last. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. It's a little bit less extreme. Okay.

Would you rather once a month Freaky Friday with a random professional like the guy whose sole job was to make sure the back seats were bolted down okay but it could be anything from backing up an 18-wheeler doing surgery rocket science rocket surgery etc or every time you hear anyone talking about a morally gray thing they did slash do you overhear someone talking about speeding that they fuck someone else mom or sister that they lied and to get hired at their new job kind of like the guy that bolts seats down okay yeah uh you have to get in a heated debate and they will engage until either of you change their mind on the subject p.s me and my wife listen to you guys on way work if you

could give stephanie a shout it would be great. Thanks. Oh, what's up, Stephanie? What's up, girl? How you doing? How about you leave your boyfriend and come sit on daddy's lap? Did you say wife or boyfriend? Nah. Wife. That could screw some things up. I'm in for it, though.

Well, I mean, that shout out went exactly how it should go. Yeah. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't put us in that position. We're going to come get her. Where you live. What's your address?

Doesn't it come down to, like, how confident you are in thinking you can do whatever profession? Yeah, and I have zero confidence. We've touched on that. I don't want to chance it. No, that's hard. So once a month you pop out, like even like, even having to be like a bus boy, right? Yeah. Or dishes.

Yeah. And then the next month you have to save somebody. You're working on like a, you're one of those underwater welders for like an oil rig or something. Right. Fuck that, dude. How funny is it from their perspective? I know. Right.

So think about being like an offshore oil rig. Mm-hmm. You're sitting in this chair. Hey, what's the deal with poops? Like, you know who's there. And then all of a sudden, I show up. Oh, the other workers, the co-workers. Yes, exactly.

And all of a sudden, you're in the bunk that was not occupied. You're like, all right, boys. What are we doing today? Doing some drilling today or what? What are we doing? And they're like, well right, boys. What are we doing today? Doing some drilling today or what? What are we doing? And they're like, well, everything we normally do. What's that exactly? Just trying to fit in.

Yeah, because you may not know where you're at. You wake up in a bunk bed. You don't know where you're at. Just pop up, be a teacher, teaching something you have no fucking idea what they're talking about. You're like a college professor at Harvard. You're like, here's how you find the area of a cone. And you're like, ooh. You just get your phone out.

You're like, fuck. You're asking chat GBT or Grok. What did someone smarter than me figure out? You Google it. Scroll through. On the overhead. You showed us yesterday, actually. Sure that was me? Our actual teacher showed us yesterday. actually sure that was me our actual teacher

showed us yesterday but we we have it all figured out you're like yeah well do you one second here's a question sorry i'm sexting do you know son of a dick pic what were we talking about do you know let's say uh real quick do you know the person that you swap with so uh when you i thought you meant the person because i've never seen figure friday but you just swap positions yeah it's a and i feel like and i i know what the movie's about but i haven't actually watched it all the way through it's like a mother and daughter kind of flopped but they're real people and they just so like the person that's working on the oil rig is now in this chair right right

so you're sitting next to some guy that that uh welds underwater but i assume oh that's a good point like i assume like if if it is freaky Friday, then all of a sudden you don't know how to podcast. You look like you, but it's not you. I thought it was a complete switch where you're just in a new... I've never seen the movie. That's a fair point. No, you have to look like you. So someone else, like, you just show up like you're supposed to know what you're doing.

So I'm still the same guy that... It's me inside, but it's the same outside. Yes. So all of a sudden, Bill doesn't know how to weld. Right. But he's like the foreman. Like, he's the manager. And all of a sudden you're

lazy yeah just uh just forklift it about it just check the inline specs and the i need you to um do it and then just checking with someone real sorry just Sorry, just making sure this is real life. Little reality check real quick. Just text chat GPT, am I alive? Yes. So if you go look in the mirror, it's you, but it's a different body? No, I think same body.

Your brain is inside of it. That's how Freaky friday works well yeah so mom looks like mom but the kid is inside yeah so but but it's you is a different outer shell no the outer shell is the same okay i'm confused yeah opposite of what you're saying so if you're on the oil rig you look like you or you look like no no you look like someone who's been there okay that's what i'm saying no it's you inside outer shell no it's different no no no it's it's different for you but it's the guy the guy that's on the rig it's the same person but now it's just like they have but if you look in the mirror you look like the guy that's on the rig that's what i'm saying so does coop have to quit basketball? Who? Nothing.

Oh, Coop. Coop, you got it. You told me, little bitch. Yeah. Squeak. 14 more times. I'm out of here. Yeah, that's... I don't know.

I don't know what's funnier, though, from that perspective. Like, if all of a sudden everyone's looking at Bill, he's a former, he walks down the stairs and they're like, all right, what are you doing today, Bill? And it's you, but you look like Bill and you're like i mean everybody has an off day that's like where i'm leaning right like even brain surgery god that'd be such a sorry for your loss type situation i would kill a guy with like a knee surgery yeah like that's how bad i would be if i have a tummy ache and I'd somehow fucking kill him. Yeah.

Take two of these and it's like rat poison. It's like, hold on. How come you're not talking the way you were talking yesterday? Just having an off day. I'm like having an off day or whatever. It's calling. You're just basically talking like calling. You're like, dude, I'd love to continue this conversation

About your kidney stones but I don't know where I am Having to explain that to a family would be tough You're in there for a consultation Or something So when you put him under when you put him under he's going to be under for how long a couple hours so and you're just like well i'm sorry what was that sorry what was that when he's unconscious he's going to breathe

right he'll still be breathing how does it work like is there someone that breathes for him or i don't know and like do you play the card we just fuck everything up Just walk in like oh my god We're so lucky that you're here to deliver our baby, and you're like Yeah, and you're like dude just push yeah, this is they used to do it in the old days just just push have you read stories about the people that have delivered babies like in the car or like airports or whatever like yeah you're like we're still like that then they turned out fine i was a car baby i was a car baby. I was a car baby. So you're a mistake.

Sure. I mean, twist it however you want. Do however you want to shift it. I'm here. Oh, here, I gotta take this. Okay. Okay. So.

Hang on, I gotta put my, I gotta update my starting lineup. You're just like, again like It's crowning It has hair Is that normal? Yeah it looks good So what I'm gonna need you to do Is go That's what they used to do in the movies

Do that You sure doctor? Who are you texting? Yeah, just keep pushing. Yeah. Yeah. And it's like, oh, shoot. Autocorrect.

Damn autocorrect. I wonder how somebody would do with AI to help them in that situation. Oh, yeah. An airport baby was done well because AI maybe. Yeah. Grok would probably give good. He'd probably give you a little political advice, too. Well, he's like, yeah, push that baby out, but don't do it.

Don't do it too fast. It might come out as a little commie. Yeah. If you push too fast. It's getting like thatipedia information in that situation do you think they have stats on that like if the slower you come out as a baby you're more likely to blank versus if you come out fast right if you come out fast like you're artistic you come out slow you're gonna be a doctor yeah because you got a little more nurturing

it's funny because political beliefs do line up with personalities, so that's interesting. Weird. Don't push so fast, he'll be a damn neocon. You're just looking at this vagina, like the shoulders are coming through, and you're just like... Autistic. And you're like, hang on a second. Hold on. Hold on, let me point five

your son is the chances that your son is going to need a handicapped parking space are 95 percent oh wait what are you doing and you're like anywhere see you tomorrow here take two of these come back it's only once a month but the other one, getting in an argument when you overhear something, I don't... Every time. I don't overhear things. So I'm trying, like, you don't overhear those types of confessions in a public setting. Let's just pretend you do.

Okay. You're sitting at Starbucks writing your novel. Wait, I got it. I got it. Let's say you like basically you have houses bugged or like like in this hypothetical world you're just like you just hear something in your ear well then fuck all of that all of this because then you but then you like got to go to their house you knock on the door and like hello and you're like hi uh so i

was you guys were talking about how you were right and she was wrong yeah yeah and she's like yeah well and you're like well this is why you're wrong i'm just gonna invite myself in and you just sit in there crack the door and you shove it open let's get to the wrong first of all who are you don't worry about it this isn't about me it's about getting it right gosh man like just because there's the like i love i love learning like i want to do new things right so i am drawn to one time a month being forced into a situation where you have to figure it out because the overhearing and arguing thing is just not... That's not me.

That's more of a Zach thing. Most people don't like to argue anyway. It's like 17% of people even enjoy any kind of argument. Right. That would just suck for everybody. In this particular, what you rather is when you overhear anything that someone did, you have to fucking get involved until someone changes their mind. I sadly probably could be part of that. Like that would be like, what?

Like once, like once a year you hear something where it's like, yeah, well, yeah, well, I mean, he doesn't get it. He doesn't get it. He has, he has herpes and you just stand up and walk over there and're like oh he has herpes i think you meant we and you have to convince them not just argue you have to convince them that they are wrong or they have to convince you that you are wrong there has to be finality to it just because of my like my fascination with understanding and learning what other people do in the world, I have to go with just wake up and do a job. As many people have to die, you're still willing to do that.

No, you're a doctor once, right? Yeah, but you're going to kill somebody. You didn't bolt those seats down in the back thing. Car gets in an accident accident kids fly out the windshield but i feel like in that situation i also know that you have to bolt it down like yeah but someone already died especially all of the supervisor jobs that guy didn't know how you think you're gonna how you just assume you're gonna know oh i didn't do it i would know he didn't think that was part of his job detail.

Great. Well, I'm not in trouble because I'm going to go to sleep and I'll wake up and go right back to my life. Yeah, but someone died in your watch. Yeah, that's fair. How many people have to die in your watch before you're willing to get in an argument? That's a good question. I just don't overhear those things enough to like i can't even encompass it how many times a year do you have to do it or what is it literally once a month once a month well once a month it's a job thing but like every time you hear somebody bring up something in the gray

area where they're like they're like well yeah i know i had i i had to cheat on him and you just go wait a second scoot your chair out of the coffee shop well what i said close your laptop yeah what like you're like what do you expect he would never fuck me and he's like and walk over and just lay in until somebody understands what i want it what i want to know is like i i guess it's it's i guess it's your personal preference on the thing yeah but it's like what if you were forced to take the opposite side and argue that person even if you don't believe that but you like it's kind of what it says yeah you just have to like get involved with it just i love like. Getting involved in anything.

It just, it brings this whole. Sorry, I had to get involved. Sorry, I have to get involved. You did this. I couldn't sit idly by. Instead of saying that, instead of being like, I can't control my emotions. Like the other way of saying that I can't regulate my emotions in an appropriate manner. The other way of saying that is like, sorry, I have to get involved.

The first thing you hear too is you're in a coffee shop. You just hear, it stopped. And then the laptop closed in here. You're like, oh, it slides out in the background. It's like, it's just like Chad Bagel for Chad As your dumb feet walk over Like I'm so sorry to get involved You didn't have to be here

You wouldn't understand but I'm forced to get involved I'm forced to get involved I don't think you should get an abortion And here's why here are all the reasons why and she goes well and you yell the things she yells back about how she can't afford a baby and one of you guys have to agree that they're right fuck that i'm gonna wake up in a coffee shop i'm going to wake up being a brain surgeon playing in an RV park. I'm just going to bounce around.

I'm fine with that. I'm fine with doing whatever. It would be an adventure. One day a month. I could do anything for one day. You can kill a lot of people in a 12-hour shift, though. Yeah. That's true.

That's fine. Just make it happen. You could also fucking just make it happen you could also fucking just do whatever if you get that job like you could just not do your responsibilities it's definitely not going to be saving people in those 12 hours right you could either pretend you know what you're doing or just don't do anything and then the next day you wake up and you're back to your own i own like you have to try your damnedest like you have they're they're like uh dr paisley to the or please and like you got to

scurry up there and throw your scrubs on and do your best you're just like no you can't you gotta do it yeah you're the only doctor yeah the only surgeon on call. Can you imagine getting coached through? Dr. Paisley, are you sure you know what you're doing here? Just hand me a hammer, please. Taking a gallbladder out. And the nurse is like, I know the scalpel. And you're like, yeah, I was about to say that. Yeah.

Like you have a TV remote. I'm asking you to please be quiet. I was going to do that. Please don't talk down to me. Will you hand me that? What is that, a butter knife? Yeah. You're using your keys. They're like, sir?

Yeah. Sometimes you got to use whatever you have at your disposal. We have an entire rack of searches. That's the lesson here. And you turn to the audience that are watching. And you're standing there with your keys. And you're like like sometimes you have to improvise they're all taking notes oh okay so keys and you have a twisted tea in your hand

so big old tall boy like who the fuck is this guy just smells like uh like energy drink breath in the in the repercussions that come along with like the person that actually has that job the next day yeah they're like what the fuck happened you don't remember just one day and you're like oh i forgot about that because you're still the same guy it's like it doesn't seem like something you do and you're like fuck me of course it's not some days you have an off day yeah i have to pick that one it's mcdreamy from uh thing so like everyone expects everything from him and one day he's doing that shit yeah imagine watching that as a tv show yeah you're like god mcdreamy is so good he's so handsome and all of a sudden there's one episode where he's just he's calling you get it but i can't like i have to pick it over the fucking

overhearing something that's a little questionable and then just being like i've had and you're like like anything in the grave right and it's like i know but i mean what am i supposed to do like i can't find anybody to watch the dog and you walk over and you're like i've had enough you have to convince them why they shouldn't leave their dog at home The pettiest Yeah it goes from like Gun abortion to like yeah

Just petty tiny little things You wouldn't leave the house I've had enough You couldn't leave the house Cause you would just run into that kind of shit You're standing at the crosswalk Trying to cross the road with groceries or whatever And some guy's standing behind you.

Yesterday, like, I had to jaywalk, and you're just like, cheers, squeaks out, and you walk over. I've heard enough. I've heard enough. Do you start every, is that your catchphrase? You start every one with, I've heard enough. Dude, that's so fucking brutal. Like, what are you doing here?

Imagine out, like like getting a breakfast sandwich with your friend and somebody walks up and goes i've heard enough like whatever dumb conversation they were having if somebody just walks up goes that's that'll do because it immediately not just to one person both of them you're talking you're immediately talking down to them. Excuse me. I'm going to stop you there. Your conversation, first of all, is terrible.

It's me. Just venting. Yeah. And then, now you have to pick a side. Yeah. Right. Let me stop you right there. Excuse me? stop you right there excuse me just look up with like with your mcdonald's bagel sandwich and you're

like a bite it's finally back and you take a bite you're like it's some guy some person you don't know walks up to your table and goes that's enough no matter what you're saying. I just feel like a bad mom. I feel like a bad mom. No, you're not. He asked me to read a story last night, and I said, it's too late, and it's time for bed. We have an early wake up. And some guy walks up and goes, I'll take it from here. You scoot out, and the other person gets up you just take the seat

i just feel like a bad mommy if some guy walks up and goes you are yeah oh my god you know why you feel like a bad mom because you are and you have to either you have to either convince them that they're a terrible mom or they have to convince you. Yeah. Which I'm so understanding. Okay. That I would be like, yeah, and just go back to what I was doing. It's true.

But I, my fact. You got to give you an effort though. I know. But the, like just the, the, the want to understand different roles people play in our world. I'm going to pick the job thing. Just to experience. Why not, man? That's what I'm picking.

I think it'd be fun to do that. Well, I mean, what is that? There's a TV show about that. That guy goes in and does all the jobs. Dirty jobs. Yeah. You're basically living that guy's life, except jobs that could potentially kill people. Yeah. I mean, you wake up one day and you're replacing the, like Zach talked about last week, the little blinker light at the top of a cell phone tower.

I can do it. I've had enough. Yeah, that'll be enough. That's enough. That's enough out of you. That's enough shit in my. That's enough. That's enough out of you. That's enough shit in my pants for this day. That's enough out of you. What a condescending fucking shit.

Okay, okay. That's enough. Like, that's enough out of you. Just so demoralizing. Who the fuck are you if you've ever been in a situation where two people having like a passionate conversation they're so into it they've completely shut out everyone around them and they're in that conversation and then someone walks up like maybe taps them on the shoulder that's like those shoulder that's enough oh my god the reaction you sound crazy right now like that's your opening line is everything you need to calm down first of all i'll take you gotta calm down

i'll take it from here i'll take it from here what it's so how would you react if someone said that to you i don't know like they had like in that moment they've out crazied me yeah if someone walks up and says i'll take it from here i think in the conversation first of all it's like it's like you've been listening the entire time. I hear you, but I'll take it from here. And you're like, what? Just solving all the world's problems. One conversation at a time.

That would be such a funny Tinder profile. Like your bio says, I'll take it from here. You sound crazy. I'll take it from here. He, him, I'll take it from here you sound crazy i'll take it from here him i'll take it from here in your profile picture it's just like a like a modified exhaust pipe on your truck i'll take it from here i bet you will i know you're just handing the ball i'm gonna take it from here you've said enough oh my god this looks like a situation for me i can't just like people have to walk up and you snap on the shoulder And you're like you said enough Holy shit

What a funny coffee shop And what if you had a conversation And you get up and you're like alright So you agree right and they're like whatever conversation And you get up And you're like Alright so you agree right And they're like Whatever sure Alright you get up And then

You have to head to another table Yeah You're just like Working your way around the shop You said enough You guys are worse Than my last conversation Oh my god

Okay Yeah I think I'm doing the job I'm taking the job Zach job Job Okay Roll it next thing hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know

what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about fuck me so funny just picturing that all right all right i'll take you home is is there more anything more condescending than a huge sigh when somebody does something to you you don't have to say anything you're just like because it says it says everything it does that you're feeling yeah but but is it but it's better than saying what you want to say yeah so there's oh yeah okay so i i mean this is something i've always thought about for a long time and it's popping back up now because there was a commercial that popped on i believe it was during the national championship game it was florida and uh houston houston fuck what a game dude that was fun and i'm glad it was a good game but a commercial popped up and i it just reminded me that like you can't you can't just do this you can't you can't

do this and the commercial was for tide right and like as it went on it like showed of course some ridiculous situation that you would never find yourself in and it was like oh yeah and then supposedly like car commercials where it's like do you want to be fucking successful and curious and creative and travel the world fucking honda get a mazda yeah it just doesn't it just whatever so they figured it out like you just make emotions and then present your brand this particular commercial and this approach to marketing has drove me crazy forever it was a tide commercial and at the end of the Tide commercial, it just said,

our most powerful formula yet. How many times can you say that? You get it. Game changer. You get it. And it's just like, you should just do that when you made Tide.

Like, I get it science changes like chemicals change whatsoever but like you know they're they're flirting with this line like because you can't get sued like someone washes their shit and they're like is this the most and that you have to have proof that it is the most powerful formula yet yeah yeah until the next one so so next month it'll be the new most powerful formula yet but as of right now so like who is sitting in a lab where they made Tide. Let's look back at, what, 70s? When did Tide start? 50s? That seems like a 50s thing. If only we had a computer that would tell us when Tide came out.

1946. Okay, so since 1946, they came up with a detergent that was going to wash our clothes. And now it's 2025. 80 years later. And they're like most powerful formula yet. What are you doing?

And the thing that like, like really ties in, it springs these memories of like, so when I'm on a road trip, I love Chex Mix. Okay. Okay. memories of like so when i'm on a road trip i love chex mix okay okay and this is probably like five years ago they started putting on their package like back back back then that now made with 50 less fat and to me i'm like what the fuck were you putting in it before? Like, did you not try? Like, what happened? What made you make this leap? This marketing? Somebody called them out and said, you're too fattening.

They're like, hey, I love Chex Mix. I'm fat. And they're like, all right. That checks out. All right, cool. We'll make it taste the exact same, but we won't put all the fat in it. And they're like, cool. Well, I used to do that before.

Right. Just go fuck yourself. Like, just do a little bit of, like, market research and development to make it healthy and taste good. Same with Tide. It's like, why now is it the most good? If I'm going to, you know. I get it. I want the tastiest formula yet. The Tide. It's like, why now is it the most good? If I'm going to, you know. I get it. I want the tastiest formula yet.

The Tide Pod trend. Remember that shit? Oh, yeah. But yeah, so I saw that commercial and I was like, why? Like, just jump ahead. Make it the best you can now, you fucking assholes. Because if you go, like, so So like I'll tell you why When you're watching a dunk contest The guy goes 360

Through the legs dunk Everybody gives him a 10 Where do you go from there Can't go anywhere That's why you start with 7s or 8s And then you can go up If you start with the best there's nowhere to go You can't sell the new product

because it's already the best okay so i understand the marketing i understand the idea behind it but like what did they change like why is now the most powerful formula yet because they got 50 less 50 less fat in the tide in their tide Yeah, they're just taking out the fat. That's what everyone does, just cuts the fat. We just cut fat. See, and I wish they would do that. Or Tide, like, the commercial plays out. 50% less fat.

They just, like, make a weird statement at the end. Like, make your t-shirts less fat, Tide. P-H-A-T. And you're like wait like they they like they make some announcement about something that you never thought about that'd be great yeah oh yeah yeah because it right at the end you're like yeah of course you've got the more powerful thing but if you said 50 less fat you're like wait what i did what now gluten-free what now soy-free so i had a soy-free now holy shit go get it with check mix they're probably just following the health trends of whatever they think oh it's all natural okay everything's natural everyone just falls fat-free everything's fat-free sugar

free everything's sugar-free and it's just whatever the maybe they're following the science but maybe just recommendations from whomever right but also or also... Or the lobby. They're doing... Go ahead. I was going to say, they're doing just enough to get by with the regulations, say. They're not going to go the extra mile to make us healthy

just for the... because they want to. Like, they're just getting by with the regulations. The regulations changed and they're saying, we cut the fat, baby. We put Elestra in there

and it's going to make you shit your eyeballs out, but hey, you get what you want. That new season of American Idol, it's the fat, baby. We put a Lester in there and it's going to make you shit your eyeballs out. But hey, you get what you want. That new season of American Idol, it's the best season ever. This is the best season we've ever had of American Idol. You've had 25 seasons. Something you've never

seen. It's going to be the same fucking show, but somehow it's the best show and best year we've ever done. I guess my point is that they should have done that from the very beginning they should be doing 50 less fat in american idol just get svelte people out there soy free people barely can stand you know what i mean takes less color less soy Just cut out all the... I'd like to see that commercial.

Like, I know, being a video marketing guy. Imagine that commercial. That commercial, like, it's just like, American Idol. It's like nothing you've ever seen. At the end, it's like 50% less fat. Wednesdays at 9. And you're like, what? With no MSG.

And you're like, what? That's the flavor enhancer. But it's the same fucking thing. It is. But it's just food. Like Twinkies being like, yeah, gluten-free. Okay, got it, trend. And then Twinkies came out and they're like, 50% less fat.

And it's like, what the fuck are you doing for? Like, why? Why were you just fat? Like, why did you? You're like, eh, fuck it. Do they all say Oreos? Like, I've seen the Oreos. Like, everything that comes out, like ranch dressing, 50% less fat.

Mm-hmm. But they still have the old fat, the regular fat one but then they have the 50 less fat here if you don't care about yourself here's this you're like you could stick with what the trash that you're eating before or you can have this one or you can have the version that has less fat and fucking tastes the same why wouldn't you just get rid of the other one and go all you get it it's what saying! Yeah, the most powerful formula yet. But what do people do that are like traditionalists? They go,

taking all the fat out of this shit. The goddamn liberals. I remember when you could just get fat. Yeah, I'd just go buy a tub of fat. I remember you get fat and no one cared about it. What if a tub of fat just said

50% less fat? So now you're giving me less fat for the same price. Yeah, for the same price. So I'm paying for no fat? When you used to have fat? What's next? What's next? I'm shopping for fat with a dick in my butt?

50% less dick in my butt? Am I going to get 50% less dick in my butt? 50% less dick in my butt? Am I going to get 50% less dick in my butt? I paid 100% for this fucking dress and now you're taking fat out of my fat?

What the fuck? Let me fucking fat! Let me fucking fat! Let me fat! With my dress! With my dick in my butt! Put a fat dick in my butt with fat! Fuck!

I vote! I voted for fat dick dress! Crisco fat dick dress Chris go fat dick dress fuck this country democracy more like fucking fat

fucking fat fat fuck somebody's got to pull over in their car right now for sure. 50% less country. 50% less democracy with my fucking dress. Fuck. What's happening?

What is this communist fucking dress? Crisco fat dick. Fuck. in his fucking dress! Crisco fat dick! Fuck! That's, and you're in aisle six. That's enough. Sir, I, we're gonna need you to leave. Sir, you push the button. You're standing there.

You push the little call button! And some, like, worker shows up and you're like, who wears the fat fucking fat?! And you're like, Who wears the fat fucking fat? And you're using a dress. A little basket full of fat. When I want fat, I fucking want to pay for it. What is this, the most powerful formula yet? What did I fucking buy last week?

Fuck! I bought 20 tubs last week. Now I have less fat. Well, you can buy more? Yeah, but it was fucking... I saved $5 and I bought four fats. I buy more. I got less fat.

Buy more. Money. More money. Less fat. More money. That's fat. I'm getting fat fucked. I have a road trip. I have a road trip coming up and I want a fat. I want to be fat. Okay, well, did you swipe your card? Fuck! God.

Everyone's taking fat out of my fucking dicks. Sir, I'm not following i don't i'm not quite sure what oh yeah you wouldn't get checks mixed on your left fat get checks mixed on the phone where are the tie pods where are the tie pods then you hear the chair squeak i'll take it from here yeah i'll take it from here sorry you've said enough all right yeah you're one aisle over yeah he's like you said enough just pushing our car over the car it's going all right let's get to some dick we have to all right dick stuff go zach fuck zach i push the button i don't know what happened oh try again oh here we are is it

is it interesting is it cool oh all right how you feeling over there? I'm good. Just fucking doing it. You want to read this first article? How's the blood vessels in your brain, buddy? I feel like one popped in your neck. I made it through. So let me just preface this by saying one of the things that as everyone knows is the most annoying thing for me

ever is like slow internet oh yeah it sucks and uh i guess but i guess is slow internet better than no internet yeah yeah i guess like you know given the circumstances well yeah maybe not for our i'm not sure yeah i'm not sure i mean if you expect if you expect fast internet and it's slow then yeah that's one thing but if it is coming down to do i get to access the internet or not at all slow is better okay what do you think you would do if the internet just was taken from you? I don't know. Let's say somebody just comes and cuts the internet off

and says, no, you don't get any more. You could probably manage, right? You'd go after it. Your internet goes out and some guy comes in the door and goes, that's enough.

I'll take it from here. Yeah, your search history is disgusting. It's kind of what they're doing in England. Sorry. Okay. Dynamite drop- what they're doing in England. Sorry. Okay. Dynamite drop in, Monty.

I'm here for that. Well, these girls didn't really like their internet being taken away. Okay. And their mom took it away. Oh. So, you know. Got it. I'm trying to think what I would do.

I know I wouldn't do this. Okay. So, these girls in Houston. of course it's Texas, three teenage girls are in custody after allegedly planning to kill their mother because she turned off the Wi-Fi in their home. Oh, man. Okay. Having teenage daughters.

Okay. I see where this is going. Hell, having my young kids on this last trip we took i we let them take phones along and it was like i i regretted it immediately so i i mean i sort of get it they're obsessed but this is a bit extreme the girl's age is 14 15 and 16 grabbed kitchen knives and chased what does this mom do when having 14, 15, and 16-year-old daughters? Give yourself a break. Just Irish triplets.

Take a break. That sounds exhausting. I mean, sex is fun. I get it. It is, but... Chased their mother through the house and into the street, attempting to stab her. Authorities say one of the teens struck the mother with a brick.

Their grandmother was also knocked down while trying to protect the mother. Despite the violent attack, neither woman sustained serious injuries. All three teens were arrested and charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. All have been booked in the Harrisris county juvenile facility it's gonna be awkward christmases forever i mean imagine like you'd love obviously you they're your daughters you love your daughters

but like they're like would you like to press charges and they did try to murder me. I mean, kind of. Like, okay. So, the Wi-Fi thing is, like, if you're a parent of, like, teenage kids, like, they really do turn into different people. Like, they think they have it. They think the world is all figured out. They have no idea that they're dumb like they really do think they have it figured out so like when you and we have had to do this many times is like take away phones just because of bad behavior or grades or just like do anything besides try and connect and look for attention on on social media right we've done it and it's it's like taking away fucking drugs like you read this article and

if you replaced wi-fi with meth it's like mom turned off meth but i want meth for her 15 16 and 17 year old kids my boyfriend's on meth yeah you'd be like okay that makes sense right like it's seriously like just taking away this addiction and there is days of this rebellious fucking nonsense that doesn't make sense because they're trying to crack you just like dealing with someone who is coming off of drugs where their mood is unstable and they're not leveled out and then they always come around and they're like oh shit i do like other things so i i mean i get it cold turkey fucking stabbing and i love how it just like nonchalantly was like, yeah, and the mom was hit with a brick.

Yeah, that was an afterthought. Yeah. I was like, they didn't stab her, but they did hit her with a brick. They tried to stab her, but successful with the brick. And then pushing grandma over. That's another level. Get out of here, grandma! The grandma's like, kids, it's your mother.

What are you doing? Shut the fuck up. Just push her out of the way. Knock her down some stairs. I have to keep my Snapchat streak alive. I just found out about that yesterday. Yeah. I didn't realize that that was a thing.

It's a big fucking deal to young people. I didn't know that because i i said talking about young girls that sounds weird yeah um because i have nieces and uh i was like well somehow it's like girl i remember what it was one of the moms of that we know their daughter they she won't let her daughter have snapchat and i was like wise i was like i totally get it but but then i was like at the same time from the girl's perspective all of her friends are on snapchat and she's basically cut off from it so she probably feels cut off from the world and then my wife was like yeah so they have these street things that they don't keep them up they get and i was like what

so it's not just social media it It's like ranking system. Yep. It's a huge deal for elementary, junior high. I had no idea that that was a thing. Ew. Yeah. I mean, it's just like additional, like if you play any game, like Candy Crush or whatever stupid mobile game, like they have these little things that they want you to keep alive right like daily your check-ins Yeah, you get this if you check in every day That's crazy like I get the idea because it keeps you coming back to the app, but I didn't realize

That was I get it for games, but you're usually you're just playing a game with yourself This is like a streak and all your friends are oh I've got a two-year streak and you're like I have no streak because. This is like a streak in all your friends. Oh, I've got a two year streak. And you're like, I have no streak because my mom won't let me be on it. Yeah, your mom's fucking sucks. You're stupid. You should kill yourself. And what they do, they kill themselves.

Yeah, it's a whole thing. But it's, I mean, just fucking crazy to look at that situation. But it's not outlandish because of what I've seen, that they would fucking try to stab their mom. You don't think that's crazy? No, I think it's crazy. But I also am understanding because they turned this app into basically crack. Oh, yeah. There's a reason why the CEOs of those companies allegedly don't let their kids, like Steve Jobs famously didn't let his kids use an iPad

and Instagram, all that stuff. It's demonstrably dangerous to young people. Well, and that's how they built it because they know that it would be addictive. And that's the whole point of the business model. Fight it, parents, if you can, even though it's the hardest thing in the world. Because it does alienate them

But remember your friends How many of your friends from high school You're still friends with? It's like two But you don't At the time You can't explain that to your kids I know

Explain to a 13 year old kid In 20 years None of this is going to matter My parents tried And I ignored them You can't Like what? 20

I don't want to think about 20 years Yeah I got a dance coming up mom Yeah No you're right They don't want to think about 20 years yeah i got a dance coming up mom yeah no you're right they don't want to think 10 weeks ahead let alone 10 years or 20 years it's all about right now i know and we all did it no that's why that's why we should have a little bit of uh i don't know like empathy but like it's well i mean that's why our kids are on Snapchat. We learned about Snapchat and how it was sold to us was it was this anonymous thing, right?

Like, you would send things, disappear, blah, blah, blah. Dick pics, and they'd go away. And then that is what they use to talk. That's how they communicate. They don't, like, texting somebody's phone number is fucking weird yeah and that's foreign to us it's like yeah just have them fucking text and like they're like no so i get it and i get like when the wi-fi goes out like you mentioned about slow internet blah blah blah like yeah if the internet goes out like i'd be fucking pissed too

like the second it stopped working i'd be trying to look up what happened, and then I'd be getting it fucking fixed. I wouldn't be trying to stab anybody. But also, we didn't grow up in a time where all of your friendships and relationships are centered around it. I'll be okay if it goes away. They're not. They were raised on it that's what they have and and for all the old people out there thinking that the kids are ridiculous it's like we did this to them yeah yes we did so it's not their fault they're just they're using

the things that we provided for them and then we're like you kids have no sense of you can't go outside and play or whatever it's like no they this is what they grew up with right like it's really hard to blame them yeah so um i don't think you kill your mother over it but yeah don't don't stab your mom uh next article here it's just funny because we were talking about being doctors earlier but queen queensland surgeon fined for sharing photo of patients swastika tattooed penis that's fun i mean this is exactly why i'm not a doctor because i would literally do this exact thing not because i'm scared of swastika penises and the education that it takes another time and dedication not No, not a problem. An orthopedic surgeon has been reprimanded

and fined $10,000 after sharing a photo of a comatose patient's penis which was tattooed with a swastika. Dude, check this out. A swastika dick. The surgeon, whose name has been suppressed, must be nice,

was treating the man in a regional Queensland hospital back in April of 2019. Can I jump in really quick? I just caught what you said. Yeah, that would be nice. I was picturing this exact situation that would happen if we swapped positions.

You'd go into the surgeon and you're like, oh, this guy's got a swastika dick. Check out these titties. And you're showing it to the other people and they're like, you guys see a swastika dick. Check out these titties. And you're like, you're showing it to the other people in the room. Like, you guys see the swastika dick? No one cares? Dude, I got to pick. Anybody else want to pick real quick?

And everyone's like, you shouldn't be doing this. Like, dude, I'm here for one day. Anyway. No, you're here tomorrow. Okay. So without reading the article, here was a part that made me like more lean towards and support the doctor. Okay. Right. Because of this one sentence.

So he was treating a man at the regional Queensland hospital back in April of 2019. After, ready, a homemade pipe bomb exploded in his hands. What? So you have a penis. And it has a swastika tattoo on it. Where at? Like on the base or what did it say? Didn't show me.

It's not in the article. But he has a swastika tattoo on his penis what if it wasn't swastika is only when it was flaccid it looked like a swastika but when it grew out it was like a cool shape like getting a tattoo of a yellow jeep on your dick but when you get a bunner it's a bus exactly it's extra long it might still be a short bus, but yeah. But like... Your dick rides the short bus. It's just like a weird Jeep. It's a four-door Jeep instead of a two-door Jeep.

So like, if I'm operating on this fella, and he's nude, I have to deal with some shit, but there's a swastika on his penis, and then you're like, you just ask the question, you're like, you just ask the question. You're like, why is he here? Oh, a homemade pipe bomb exploded in his hands. Checks out.

At that point, the penis tattoo becomes like public. Oh, because he's probably like a neo-Nazi who's going to blow some shit up. I feel like anything that I was supposed to care about, like patient confidentiality, like it's just, it's out the window. That guy could be a terrorist is what you're saying. Right. I'm just saying, listen, I'm going to show some friends his dick. You don't usually use pipe bombs for charity. I will.

Can you imagine that? You'll fund me. I, uh, so, I mean, I, I agree with you, but I think if you're going to take that picture the first place it should probably go is the authorities not your friend Steve and your buddies they'd appreciate it more though they would but if you're if you're completely looking out for like maybe somebody needs to know about this it's probably not steve and jeff and yeah in the gang and it's and it said that he sent it out like on whatsapp yeah like to friends and someone was like this isn't right what a narc yeah what's that guy doing

dude i know he's out of the group i know i trust you we're going on a trip and no one's fighting fucking like craig this time that whatsapp group went from best friends to best friends 2.0 and he's better friends yeah the bestest bestest friends the bestest friends and he's not in it like no way could you just share that shit like and again it doesn't like address the conversation that was had inside of that group but he was like dude look at this and set the picture do you think do you think that guy that got the picture and got upset started a new group of those guys like anybody think this is bad and left the doctor out and then they talked had a side talk how many how many groups how many guys have like groups of friends where like one

guy's not included because you don't want to hurt you want him to know about it it's such betrayal like do you i mean do you have some doctor friends i have doctor friends. Sort of. Nah. Like, they're a wild bunch, but they're still people. And they're going to talk, and they have to let you know about what's going on. I guess I don't have a doctor friend. Dark sense of humor. Yes. See, I didn't think doctors had a sense of humor at all.

They do. I thought you were going to say you didn't think that doctors had friends. Some of them don't seem like they do that it's it's doctors seem to me like almost autistic where it's like they're so good at like focusing that's i that's why i could never be a doctor aside from all this the schooling and the work it's like just focusing that being that in tune to something and being able to fucking uh block out everything else right like our brain just does not so i just i have always envisioned those guys not having any sort of social interaction at all they go home and they just like stare at the wall and go to sleep wake up probably the worst work life balance out there it's gotta be the top yeah like you're always on call and the second you you go there you're saving people like no yeah that's so much responsibility

every single day it's probably a hell of it's probably the only rush they get but except for the cocaine. They made sure not to mention the doctor's name. And then he was only fined $10,000. So I guess it worked out. Yeah, but he lost a friend. Was it? Yeah, was it really, though?

That guy was looking for a way to... Yeah, he's trying to like... He's like, this guy gets all the surgeries. I'm a fucking... Wait, were they doctor buddies? I mean, I don't know. Because I'm just picturing like his old college buddies. Yeah. I'm not sure like who he would send it to, but like the person that complained had a

little weight, got him in trouble. So... He was eating too much fat. That's what you're saying. 30% more fat. Yeah. All right. Lap time time. time zach come on

hey little chitrons why don't you come take a seat on uncle zacky's lap gather around boys and girls it's lap time with uncle zach sit on my lap you little shits all right zach poop i got poop okay i got tons of crap for you. Let's do it. First, I got a question for you. How much poop does a person create in a day, would you say? How much poop would a wood poop poop? Whoa, what's the... Poundage, you mean? Yeah, what's the measurement?

Volume or poundage? It's up to you. How about a pound? That is the answer. Oh, the pound? One pound per day. So that equals about, let's see, with 8 billion people on Earth, that's a billion pounds of poop daily, 1 million tons. So if you picture that.

Where does it go? That's my question. I was going to ask you that. But it's like 370,000 elephants worth of crap every day created on this planet. Okay. So if you stack that daily into one pound poop bricks, it would fill 2,000 Olympic-sized swimming pools. So that's – 2,000 of them?

2,000 swimming pools every single day. And where does that go? Wow. I found that there's – Pipes? Yeah. There's all sorts of crap. But my questions are – I don't have really questions.

I want to tell you some facts. I got some weird shit that people have done with their poop over the years. About 14 of them. You guys ready? Yeah. All right. So first of all, the Roman poop sponge. It's called a tesorium, and it's a sponge on a stick that was used to wipe in public latrines, shared by everyone. So gross. Dipped in salt water between uses and probably spread more germs than cleaned. Would you, I mean, it would be a product of your times, but if you had to go to a place where they did that,

what would you do? I wouldn't use it and go in the woods. I've watched movies or shows or whatever. And I, and I'd see them do that. I'm like, God, that's really what was going on.

That is so fucking gross. Sitting on a hole next to someone and then just grabbing the sponge and wiping your ass. After smelling their butts. Going back to whatever you were doing. Having conversations. No soap or shit to wash. Oof. Too much.

Joe just got lightheaded. I mean, your butt is a pretty dangerous place to get a bunch of bacteria. So that one's pretty bad. You guys probably know about, they're called garter robes, but the toilets that drop poop into the moat from castles. And, you know, when you think of moats, you kind of think of whatever, just water. But they were so stinky that invaders got sick from the smell, and it was actually one of the best defenses in all medieval times. So instead of just like a water with alligators in it it was yeah shit water it was a sewer system basically for the elite i love that we just you know it's so funny because those movies and shows we we glamorize

all that stuff and it's like to actually live in that time would have been so fucking gross so stinky everything was everything just smelled imagine building like a beautiful castle and then being like you know what we should put around it a bunch of shit piss and vomit yeah it's pretty strange you know i would really tie this together a bunch of poop again diarrhea again maybe we're talking about product of the time right like we we have sewer system we have all the things now so we look at pooping as a shameful act. Right. Maybe back then it wasn't thought of and it wasn't like, oh, it smells so

bad. It was just like, nah, dude, this is just the way we live. Yeah, there was nothing they could do about it. The toilets weren't invented for a long time later. We're spoiled. So here's some Viking information about poop. Vikings would dry sheep and cow poop for fire starters. So they would burn slow and steady and and was perfect for winter, they say.

So using poop for fire, that's good. Fuel. That still happens around the world. A little hair in there. Yeah. This one, can you imagine this? Burned hair and shit? Yeah.

That's a great one. So in the 1700s, there was actually a poop fashion trend. The French aristocrats sold their poop to tanners to soften leather for gloves shoes. And they called it night soil, which is awesome. See, I think we're onto something. It's only recently become a shameful act. Yeah, well, actually, the whiter the poop,

which came from their diet, meant the richer the diet. And so people would look for whiter poop leather. You mean whiter, like the color or white yes white okay like a long time ago what people would eat would make most people's poop white for long long time now it's black yeah yeah it's mcdonald's uh more egyptians or here's some egyptian stuff the ancient egypt Egyptians mixed poop with honey to treat wounds. I actually did research on this for SCATcast, and it was insane. For a long, long time, human beings used poop on wounds.

And then the Egyptians were like— How is that sanitary? Right? They just were trying shit, and maybe somebody got better. But then they added honey, which I can imagine would be like, yeah, I'll do the honey. Let's do the honey. Even though that's kind of the puke out of an animal, too. So we like things coming out of animals. We like to try and use it for shit.

Now, along with the moat, you can imagine in the medieval times, they got just a bunch of shit laying around. So during sieges, defenders threw human poop at attackers to make them sick. It was called fecal warfare. I have heard of that. And it actually, according to historians worked better than arrows so i imagine that was like the main way to get them to stop doing whatever they're doing i thought i heard one time that they used to like dip arrows and in feces and shoot them like and then it was like the traps and stuff it was like almost like a slow kill

it was like a yeah you're not gonna die of this arrow in your arm but it'll kill you because it's full of shit but then they're like you know we know how to cure that we'll put some shit and honey on it yeah makes sense all right here's another one this is kind of interesting it's kind of uh like if you've seen coming to america fuck my favorite movie of all time brother ancient chinese emperors had poop attendants to wipe their butts with silk i think that would be a pretty interesting job title to have, to be the ass wiper of anyone would be. You probably wouldn't feel all that great about yourself all the time. I always wanted to take a bath and have those, the royal body is clean, you know.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Yeah. All right. And then I think we forget about this. I'm sure everybody listening probably knows this, but in the 1800s, there was just poop everywhere in the streets of our major cities. Horse and human poop piled up in streets in New York. Kids played in it. You crossed the street in poop. And when it rained, you would wade through poop soup. And that was in a new york minute so we've come a long way and you know we might look like look at our dirty city it's like oh god the baseline of this is this is the cleanest thing you've ever seen in your life being able to walk down a dry sidewalk is a luxury now yeah yeah it was just for the rich back in the day they pooped into the street we walked in it uh now there were this one is weird because I really want to know

what you guys would do in this situation. They called them Roman poop parties. And the first public toilet sat about 50 people and they had no dividers. So you would poop and chat and then pass the sponge stick around. I get a little shy about pooping just in a public space in case somebody walks through the door. I feel like that might be my own personal hell. Again, product of the time. Yeah, I agree. I would figure it out. Right now, I mean, I remember, like, if you go to a restaurant where, like, you go to the bathroom and the bathroom is right there.

Like, if you have to poop. I just assume everyone knows you're pooping, and then you come walking out. Like, I hate... I hate... It's like, when everyone knows you're pooping... Yeah. It's really uncomfortable. Like, you go into a stall.

I went into a stall one time, and I had just, like, the worst poop ever. But I had... You know I don't like to poop in public. And it was smelly. It was... And it was only one stall and one to poop in public and it was smelly it was and it was only one stall in one urinal so it was a very busy bathroom so everyone was waiting so i'm in there pooping trying to get out as fast as i can people are coming there and i can hear these kids going oh my god it smells so bad and then i had to come out to people where they were waiting it was

me yeah it's like you're just shining a light that was me you know that stinky shit that everyone smells this guy right here taco that's me yeah so no yeah i would be a hell on earth for my personality now if i was thrown into that uh just a few more so there was a thing in the 17th century in japan the samurai had what are called poop inspectors to check for disloyalty. So they would look for too much rice and they would, you know, might be plotting a rebellion kind of thing. And that's kind of interesting to be a guy to be a cop where you're like,

let me just check your poops. I don't like the look of this dookie sample. So that was interesting. Yeah. Here's one. That's a traitor. Yeah. Here's one that's... Traitor! Yeah. Traitor!

Imagine being convicted of that. Convicted because your poop. God, I knew I should have buried that. Fuck. I wish the dog would have ate it. Oh, God. All right. There was a poop personality test in the 1500s where European doctors used poop to diagnose personality.

So yellow poop would equal cheerfulness. Black poop would be moody. And I don't know what my poop would be. It would be unhealthy diet, I think. But it would be scurvy. It would be gas station burrito. This looks like scurvy. What would they call that?

They have a name for that back then? Yeah. I can't imagine, though, being able to determine somebody's personality by their poop, but maybe AI will help us with that in the future. This one's pretty hardcore. So in medieval Europe, despite just using it for their wounds, they also thought, hey, why don't we ferment the urine around it to make beer? Because it adds a tangy flavor. So there was a thing in medieval Europe called piss ale. Somehow that's less, I mean, that's, if you started with that,

I would have been like, that's disgusting. But the fact that you said that now after all the other things, it doesn't sound so bad. I kind of want to try it. A flagging. Take a little taste of your tinkle. Yeah. All right. This is the last one. And then I'm going to ask you guys a question. Poop divination. Ancient Mesopotamians used poop to predict the future. Of course they did. So like rolling the bones,

there was divination with dung. So, I don't know. I thought that was interesting as well. I don't know how you would do that. Like a couple plops equals bad times. I'm not sure what death would look like. A bloody stool, maybe. Just picturing like going to get get a tarot card reading.

Did you happen to bring a sample of your dung? That's Matthew Cleo. They just look at your hand. They're like, ah, lifeline. You have good health. Will you shit on the floor, please? You're like, all right. You mentioned Cleo.

Imagine those commercials. Hey, Miss Cleo, I read your your fortune you send me a dollop of poopoo you gotta mail it fuck yeah mail and poop samples to a lady on the on the internet or on a phone call a guard all right i don't know if i've asked this question if we've talked about this because we've talked about a lot of stuff but uh what is the grossest bathroom you've ever seen in all your travels or the or the grossest bathroom situation you've had to deal with. One of the worst ones, it just pops right in my brain every time. There's a gas station outside of Moses Lake heading to Seattle.

It's the exit where you'd head to Wenatchee or Quincy. I can visualize it. I went in to go to the bathroom. And the smell, like, it was was you went back to the entry to where you would go back to the bathrooms and it i mean the smell was already radiating through there and i had to go so bad and i actually couldn't even go into the men's i had to go into the women's and have someone just standing in front of the door and i was like if someone comes just explain why i'm in here because i cannot i cannot go in there it smelled so fucking disgusting already just getting in that area i was like i i can't do it

yeah i would have been breathing that disgusting vile air just sucking it in have you seen the movie from dust till dawn that scene the toilet scene where it has the hidden room in the background and it's just vile. Well, Desperado is like that. He goes through the door, the secret door. Yes, that's it. Have you ever seen anything close to that? Not that bad visually. But that looks like this room would smell like it feels like that's what it would smell like. This bathroom I didn't go into. Yeah, fair enough.

I mean, I think worst bathroom experience is definitely just thrown back to that McDonald's and the old man with the diaper. Oh, yeah. Fuck. I knew we talked about it. Yeah, yeah. And fucking Ezra throwing up in his sweatshirt. Like, it was just a fucking disaster. Like, I still think about it.

It was so bad. And no one gets it until you're there. Like, you hear about it. Like, everyone's like, oh, yeah, it smelled bad. It's like, you don't get it. You don't get it. Like, just rolled up dry shit dirty diaper poop every it was so bad that to make two people throw up like fuck you like that was literally that

that's the worst that's the worst one for sure that one email that we got a few weeks ago about that guy that worked at that place with the old lady. Like that. It's just like something that awful. That stuck with me. I think that's why I researched this probably. Just triggered your. Yeah.

This show affects me spiritually. Do you have one, Zach? Not too bad. No, I mean, there was a couple of toilets that made me not want to go into the public areas anymore during road trips on in some random gas station where i was like oh this smells like somebody murdered literally someone in here but yeah not really i've definitely had issues trying to get to the toilet before shitting myself a few times that were probably adventures so as grossed out as we are like that's what those places had to smell like. Everywhere all throughout history until the toilet, until sewers.

Yeah, that was just like going outside. Yeah, the history of the toilet is fascinating. I mean, we all think it was John Crapper, but it wasn't. It wasn't John. Thomas Crapper. There was a guy named John before that, but you go way back. We are all obsessed with the story of Thomas Crapper. I'm like, what?

He's got a stamp and everything. Alright, that's my story about poop. My bad. Loved it. Lots of poop. Joe had his head in his hands for quite a while. Just sighing over there like, why do we have this guy on our show? I was just listening and making it through. Just taking it all in.

I'm working off like three hours of sleep. I feel that. We're good. Alright, some good news? Alright, ZAP! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed. I'm keeping it together,

guys. Come on, be proud. This is the perfect amount of weird. I wish that this happened all the time but the headline reads wellington you're so weird huge crowd gathers to watch a man fold a fitted sheet about 700 people squashed together on Cuba Street. Some stood on bins to catch a glimpse of Dan Borman's linen skills. That's a big crowd. We don't even have to watch.

We do anything. We don't have to read the article or anything. Just the fact that. Okay. Do you know how to fold a fitted sheet fitted sheet no my wife just figured it out we did it the couple like last week yeah i didn't even know it was a folded sheet it was a square i was like how the fuck do you do that i mean in all reality you just kind of start smashing it together i just roll it up into a ball and throw it in the closet. Right. That's the reasonable thing to do because it's fine.

Yeah. Right? Like, as a man, you're like, this is going to be fine. Because you stretch it out and it's going to go on the bed. Why do we have to fold it? Why do we need 17 pillows? It doesn't matter. But this guy, like, made a post about, like, I will be here at this time and I will show you how to do it.

Be there. And this town was like, fuck yeah. I will be here at this time and i will show you how to do it be there be in this town was like fuck yeah i will be there too just that's so good i love it i don't just be weird like as humans just fuck off like how you guys doing today i was thinking about heading down and watching the fitted sheet folding what right oh there's a. So they get smooshed in. This guy had no idea that it was going to turn into what it was. Like police had to escort and make sure the traffic was fine. As this guy stood there with a microphone. And horses on.

Or cops on a horseback and everything. Clomp, clomp, clomp. Did he do something special? No, he just folded the. That's pretty special. If you've ever tried to fold one, that's pretty special if you've ever tried to fold one that's pretty special he did a good job then at the very least he did a right he made a square assuming he did it right uh you do it faster no just how do you fold it

because it's a goddamn mess i wish he would have charged like five bucks he would have done pretty well right but the the five bucks to watch like social media exposure he got for it is great like it's wonderful like there's and as i was reading it i was trying to think of other little things like that that you could like make a post or make a flyer and then have people show up like how to how do you tell your wife to calm down when she's being irrational and then just like that's the flyer and see how many people show up he's just out there selling tevlar vests she doesn't know why she's there she's part of it she has to be there but like like what other things because there's certain

things like like that you could do that people would show up and support that idea but folded sheet is genius and it's gotta be everybody did it is so good and it's got to be one of those relatable things like because you thinks, well, how do you fold a fitted sheet? Because it's one of those things sometimes you don't really think about. And then when you see it, you're like, yeah, I've wanted that for a long time. I did a video. This is years ago now of how to fold a fitted sheet. And I started out and tried to make it all intricate like I was actually going to do it.

And I just rolled it up and threw it in the trash. And Amber got all pissed at me. And like that was the finish. It was just like, I just threw it in the trash. She's like, son of a bitch. But it was like, you were like, the people watching, they were like, oh my God, is he actually going to show us how to do this?

No, because I didn't know how to do it. That's funny. That reminds me of back um, back in the, the biggest vine that I had, like, I don't know. It was a couple million views back in the vine days and the caps, it was like the best,

like, like this, the secret or the best way or the best recipe for mustard is, I think what I titled it it and the whole vine was me i walked over and like set it up and then i opened the fridge and i grabbed the mustard out and then i walked over and threw it in the trash can oh yeah because you hate mustard and i was like because fuck you it tastes like chemicals like that was the i was like here's like like no secret no one's going to tell you this is what you have to do with the i was like here's like like no secret no one's gonna tell you this

is what you have to do with mustard i was like first and you walk over and i opened up so you get it out of the fridge and then i just walked over and pushed my foot on the flick and it was like and hit the wall and i was like you throw it in the fucking trash because fuck you it's disgusting it tastes like chemicals that's funny that was the top that was the top vine that i had i did that with uh i did that with a pan and eggs one time i was like how to how to clean uh a pan after after your wife made eggs and i did the same thing like i granted and picked it up and then pushed on the thing and threw away and uh uh world star no paid me money to have it that's pretty cool i didn't learn it nobody learned a thing you know that's so funny about those days like

you don't know what's gonna happen like with these videos right like there was a video that me and my buddy made back in college about this stupid cup it was so dumb like it made no sense like it was it was stop animation like i sat down at a table and i went to grab a cup and it kept disappearing but we were just cutting it and then did like transitions to make it so the cup kept on disappearing when i was trying to grab it and uh it was on the the home screen of MySpace. Like, and we have done so many funny things. Like, we've tried. Like, we tried to be funny.

Yeah. In the video, we just fucked off. Like, just was on the cover of MySpace. Our friend was like, oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, your video's on the home page of myspace and we were like what it was like it was like 40 million fucking views and we're like fuck we monetized this before that like we were like doing funny things trying to be funny trying in the one video we fucked off and nothing was cool it was stupid as shit it made no sense it was it was just it was a total waste of time and that that was the one that took off and we're like

well fucked it yeah those are the best ones the ones you just don't know yeah all the all the original youtube videos but could have capitalized on it like yeah yeah well yeah if you but there was back then there was no way you couldn't really capitalize because there was no we could have a website like you could but there was no real playbook to like virality back then it was like because you had you couldn't follow that video up you just did because if you tried to recreate that it wouldn't be good wouldn't be good the comments are like no it's good as the first one yeah exactly that's exactly what will happen of course it's not what are you talking about could you could you have made a t-shirt or something to capitalize on that i mean we we tried like it was just like it was

just too late by the time it took off it was on there it was on ebombs world like it was like you know trending on ebom. Like the website that I loved. And the video, our fucking dumb videos on there. And like the comments are like, this is stupid. Yeah, it is. How'd they do that? Fucking idiots. Fucking suck a dick.

How many donuts were punch making this stupid video? And you're like, we didn't even try. You just can't win. We just uploaded it. Like, what are you doing? So they like, you know, whatever happened, it just popped up and worked out and nothing happened. And then now it's in the abyss, the MySpace abyss. Yeah.

It's not even that funny. And you can't go grab it because MySpace will not let you. Yeah. It's gone. Yeah. Oh man. Anyway. All right right so things found zach fuck the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience

something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome hey have you heard of etsy no okay does that look good so i i don't know why but i came across this and i thought it was so funny gonna be short and sweet but the idea of just going and buying like perfect replica severed human fingers. Oh my God. I don't know what you would do with them. And I don't care. You would put them in a sack and bury them in the backyard and then say, I found something crazy.

Or a mailbox or like your kid loses a tooth. And instead of putting five bucks, you can just fucking give them this traded. You traded a dead guy's finger for the teeth right so i don't know why you would need severed those look good like hollywood caliber propped fingers but you can get them right now for 8.95 not 8.91 or whatever that price was. They're not worth... Like, if you told me, if you're trying to sell me a Hollywood caliber quality severed human finger for nine bucks,

I'd be like, dude, you're fucking crazy. But if you came to me and said, it's $8.95, I'd be like, all right. But how many... Not just...

I feel like you could get one for $8.95. That would look like a whole bundle. Yeah, one for $8.95. So that looks like a whole bundle. One for $8.95. So that looks like a pretty good deal because you're getting like a... Handful. How many? It's not a whole batch. A finger full?

No, you get one. You just get one. Oh, okay. Well, that picture showed a whole... My joke was, if you're trying to sell me one for $9, I'd tell you you're fucking crazy. But $8.95, you got yourself a deal? Yeah, I'm in. Yeah, I i'm not gonna miss out on that fucking fucking special but they are great they look good yeah they i know i mean halloween is the only thing i could really think of besides

fucking with somebody that's eating a hot dog maybe here's the thing though i wonder if you were to order that is it going to look as good as that picture i mean i bet i mean yeah a little color correction but those look like zombie fingers like some that have been scratching to get into a room to eat some brains i mean so not manicured is what i'm saying like the other side of this is the fake poop right yeah i mean kids love it they just throw a little fake poop down and hope they scare you but that finger implies that there's a dead body that that came from so you get it it just steps it up a little bit yeah that's now we've got a an investigation on our hands right and if you're smart enough you just do it and let them run with it yeah they're well i think it's

fun because there's no dna attached to it So you could get the cops involved and everything. And he's like, oh, my God, we're going to run the test on it. And then they're like, oh, it's just fake. You're like, see, I didn't kill anybody. Give me my heart attack for $8.95. That's right. Like, picturing you're really into it. Like, you bring it down to the police station.

You're pacing around. Sweating. Yeah. Just breathing. And like, you know, scratching the back of your head as the forensic analysis goes through. And they come back and they're like, Joe? Joe. You're like, what is it?

Oh my God. Please. Give it to me straight. Please. Just don't sugarcoat it. I need the fax officer. And he goes, it says 100% rubber. And you're like, fuck.

God, so what does that mean? What does it mean? Who do I know at the rubber factory? Big rubber? Who do I know? The CEO of big rubber. God, who's the CEO of big rubber? And the cop's like, no, you're not understanding.

I don't, just talk to me like I'm a person. Tell me like I'm a five-year-old. And he's like, okay, well, if you're a five-year-old, uh, what I would say was big rubber.

Looks like somebody bought a fake finger and planted it in your womb. And you're like, stop talking to me. Like I'm a three-year-old. Can you step it down a bit? He's like, okay, you're like stop talking to me like i'm a three-year-old can you step it down a bit he's like okay you're dumb you have a dumb poopoo brain who's my boy with the dumb poopoo brain okay how about a two-year-old goo goo gaga you are dumb you're dumb dumb face dumb brain you're like okay but Not quite getting it.

But who would do this? Talk to me like a one-year-old. He starts crawling around. People looking through the window. And you're standing there like this. And the guy's going, hands on the ground like, change my diaper.

You're dumb dumb. That'd be a fun skit. You're dumb dumb. You're dumb dumb fake finger. God. Talk to me like you're in the womb! You're going to be a soccer player. Yes, you are. You could be the

president. Just rubbing your belly. Anyway, so head over. If you type in fake fingers, prop fingers on Etsy, you will find it. Let's hear from the kids. Come on! All right, let's hear what you guys think.

Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right. Our first email is coming in from our son, Ryan, and it will most likely ruin your day. He writes, Hello, Dads and Uncle Zach. Get ready for a long one.

Hello! I'm sitting down. Okay. Been listening since episode one. Nice. But this will be the first time emailing since most of the time when y'all talk about something that I might want to email about, I forget about it as soon as I leave work. Since everything that happens at work gets brain dumped for my own sanity. Anyways, this week y'all talked about the woman killing her dog at an airport.

And Danny Blyan talked about a hypothetical situation where it might be morally righteous to kill the dog in the chance of hiding from a murderer in the house. Remember that? Yes. Okay. Well, replace the dog with a toddler, and I can say that this actually happened. If I remember correctly, I actually said that also. Like, would you kill one of your kids?

Didn't I? Yeah. To start, we have to introduce you to Samar Kantar, who was a leader of a PLF, Palestine Liberation Front group that landed in Israel back in 1979 with the goal of attacking the city of Nah.

Nahardia! After entering the city, they raided an apartment building that housed the Haran family with family Danny, mother Samarda, four-year-old Enate, and two-year-old y'all samar and his group ordered danny to leave annette and come with them but due to interlegal or interlingual communication danny could not understand what samar asked

leading for the ladder to drag both annette and Danny away to the beach, where he shot and drowned Danny and smashed Annette's head on a rock with the butt of his rifle. Now, where are the mother and youngest daughter? Well, before Danny and Annette got taken away, both... That's a new character. Smater and Yale? Yeah, that's not the same person I introduced. But Smater and Yale were able to climb into a crawl space above the bathroom, or above the bedroom, where the PLF were looking into the apartment around the time that Danny and Annette left the apartment,

y'all started to whimper. In order for their hiding spot to not be discovered, Samadar attempted to quiet Yol by covering their mouth, unknowingly also covering her nose for a number of minutes, leading to Yol being smothered to death. Zach? Do you have that horn lovely story amen gotta think gotta thank the band oh sleeper for telling me this story in their song hush y'all wow i haven't heard oh sleeper in a long time i know more to play with those

way back anyways now that i'm sure moods have been ruined i'll go ahead and end this message if this gets read please yell at uncle zach for me fuck been listening to scat cast for the past few years and he doesn't get yelled at enough on that show that's fair your history loving son ryan history is disgusting just thinking that us fucking clowns talking about like can you imagine And then it fucking happens. It's a real life story. Like, just like, you're like, shut up. And you just kill your toddler so that you're alive.

Like, how do you just keep, how do you keep going? Like, what do you do? I mean, in his defense, or her, Smedal, was it? He, in the defense, sounds like he wasn't trying to. Just happened to have a finger over the nose, too. Yeah, shut the fuck up. Oh, my God. That's so bad.

There must have been a lot of that. So, the murderer leaves the house, and he's like, whew, we made it. Y'all, wake up. Get up! Yo, it's time to go. Hey. Hey! Hey! Hey! Yo, time to go. Hey! Hey! Hey!

Oh, now you want to be quiet. Yeah, I know. Let's not go there. It's just so fucking... That child would have been mid-40s, flourishing somewhere, probably a doctor. Yeah, or addicted to fentanyl. We don't know. Could be. I'd like to think of the doctor

thing, but... But fentanyl, you know. Thanks for the darkness. Anyway, let's cheer up. Brian, read the next one. Alright. Let's bounce back to a topic that makes us all happy. Big ol' D-Ux. Oh, big us all happy. Big old D-Ux. Oh, big old fucking.

And little D-Ux. Fucking D. Little D-Ux will make me happy. This email from Matt. Gentle daddies and my dear sweet uncle, Zaki Poo. I added the poo. I'll take it. For the lap time?

Yeah. Just because this story is regarding my current career and underage individuals, feel free to call me Matt. Just leave my last name out, please. I didn't say it, did I? No. So I'm a high school carpentry teacher. Brand new this year after teaching general trades and some woodworking classes at a collegiate level.

One of those being a pipe fitting teacher. So you can imagine I have heard tremendous amounts of pipe and wood jokes. And plenty of them. Made plenty of them myself. As teenage boys do, they draw dicks on things. They even make cutouts of the old rocket ship with wheels. I'm no stickler.

They usually just get confiscated by me and tossed. Sounds like my art and wood teacher from school. They just didn't give a shit. They just didn't want to get in trouble. Just make it. Yeah. I mean, if it's a good looking, well crafted penis, you did it. Well, you don't want to,

it's art. You don't want to put restrictions on art. You want to support it. That's right. No biggie, but yesterday the boys decided to make a three dimensional dick and balls on the bandsaw and the sander. It was a three-inch pinch, so I asked one of the guys, Hey, did you make this thing an actual size or did you scale it up?

Boys got a chuckle. Yep. I took it and put it on the other carpenter teacher's desk for a good laugh. Well, because I busted their balls, both of these guys started making some Joe Paisley sized hangers on the bandsaw and the belt sander behind my back. I walk over to the end of the shop with the

bandsaw, with the blade guide way up, and it running with nobody here. Well, this kid yells at me and he has to go to the nurse, and I put two and two together. Luckily, he didn't cut the tip of his thumb off, but he made a nice deep gash across the middle part of his thumb. Deep, but not enough for stitches.

Pussy. The nurse sent him back to class. We all had a good lesson, and this little jackass says, What I learned in class is you don't use a bandsaw to cut out a penis. When I want to make another penis, I need to use a different saw. He learned his lesson. He's probably right, though. I cut up all

three examples so I didn't lose my job or would have sent pictures. I had to sadly write up both kids for their artistic endeavors. I promise I didn't want to, but again, I want to keep my job. Hope this makes the show. It's quite a laugh going around

the school right now. Love the show. Keep up the great work. Also, love some SCATCAST! Thank you, brother. And the journey to the ice walls has been amazing so far. Woohoo, it's over now. Your loving son, nephew, and resident marine carpenter on the ISF, Matt. Woohoo!

See, again, like bouncing back to like i know if i like if i i guess i almost like i almost went to the like the teaching side of things like i went to school on a music scholarship but then i switched out when it was like turning into that like teaching side i was like i don't want to fucking teach music yeah um but you want to be a guide and help people along and show them they're gonna have fun and express themselves that would be the biggest problem is that i would understand i feel like i would understand them in a sense of like in this situation, they're making a giant penis. I would help them. Mm-hmm. I'd like, you know.

Dude, the balls are in proportionate. I was like, dude, the left one's always up a little bit. Mm-hmm. You didn't make, and then give him an F. Yeah. I was like. Try harder. Yeah, try harder.

You know the left one's always up a little bit. Plus, if you put a Nazi little tattoo on the side of it. I just walk around and draw Nazi symbols on people people's no you would burn it yeah just brand it so that's why i'm not a teacher i so i completely agree with you especially with like elementary kids i have a hard time like i'll go interact with with kids at the school or wherever and i like to goof around with them and then they and then they go overboard and then you have to like no no no

but it's like it's hard for me to find the balance of like getting involved with them and then they then they overdo it and then you have to be like you know because I want to be the fun teacher but you can you have to be fun and draw the line.

And it's hard for me to draw a line. Good guy. I'm bad guy. Yeah. I don't want to be the bad guy. Uh, all right. Well,

thanks you guys for sending those in. You can send them in all the things, all the thoughts to, Hey guys, it can, you know, podcast.com rate and review the show. Wherever you listen to your podcast,

a big shout out to the babysitters that moderate the can, you know, playground on Facebook. I mean, there's like,itters that moderate the Canyon Hill Playground on Facebook. Forget the count, but it's like 28,000 people in there. And a big thanks to Uncle Zach for producing today's show. My pleasure. Thanks for listening, you guys.

I'm jumping over. And be sure to check out all that's going on over in the Scatcast universe at scatcast.com. I wouldn't. Alright, let's wrap it up. Zach! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh?

Alright, there's whole videos and articles pertaining to this, but like I'm just gonna, I dumped, I just brought it way back. So make sure you guys know about this. So back in 1986 a Russian commercial pilot by the name of Alexander Kluhov.

Kluyev! Made a bet with the first officer that he could land the airplane blind with curtains over the cockpit windows. He lost the bet, crashing and killing 70 people jesus christ kluyev was prosecuted and sentenced to 15 years in prison which was like he lived oh which was later reduced to six years they're like you you served your time really drunk imagine being like it's your a loved one and you're like oh shit plane crash like oh what happened like did the engines give out no they were fine they were like they were fine the pilot this is crazy you're not gonna you're gonna think it's crazy stop me if you've heard this one the pilot alexander yeah yeah okay well you know him right so he adidas tracksuit yeah pulled the curtains over the

window and said he could do it blindfolded he didn't oh yeah so he's gonna serve like a life sentence and be locked up forever right like that's i mean he's gonna he's gonna pay for this have a long time to think about it like back six years fucking what okay so because i know more i was fascinated by this story i know more the first officer that made the bet but didn't stop him uh ran back into the burning airplane to save people but then died of a heart attack on the way to the hospital okay uh no children died they all survived so whatever part of the airplane exploded and caught on fire the children didn't die but he killed 70 people with a fucking hold my beer watch this dark why do they always live they got six years why do they always live

like the drunk drivers they kill a family of eight in a van and he's in like an old 76 Ford and he lives. Something about drunken rag doll. Yeah. Makes you invincible or something. Yeah. Or whatever. Whatever. Eh. Anyways.

Anyways. So that happened. Just wanted to share that with you guys. That is wild. All right. Off to the bonus stuff. I love you guys. Support us on Patreon.

This show is taking a toll. Yeah. Well, let's fucking keep going. It's only up from here. Bye, guys! Bye!