Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Flood. Vineyard. Twins. Will Joe Ever Learn His Lesson About TSA.

Episode Date: February 28, 2024

Have you ever been so drunk that your friends ditch you at home so you decide to sit in the shower and end up flooding the entire house where 18 people are also staying? Let's talk about that, eating all your clothes, banging your husband's twin brother on the side for years, how many escalators are in the entire state of Wyoming, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/j2w_EBTs_PsSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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your hands are bigger than mine too i feel like it's like a oj this would have been great for OJ. Even like, the glove does fit. I'm going to prison. Well, it's actually too big. He's like, I would never wear a glove that's too big. Especially when I'm murdering. That'd be stupid. That'd be insane. Like I'm trying to murder someone and the glove's flying off.

Why would I ever do that? What an inconvenience. Episode 89. Sign up to Patreon. You'll find a link in the episode description got exclusive merch we got more of that coming for you head over to can you don't podcast.com to check out all the merch we got additional content on the end of every

show if you do subscribe on patreon so thank you if you want to see something on the show send it in to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com guess what we're doing on the show today I don't know what are we doing is that why her goose is laying down podcast.com. Guess what we're doing on the show today? I don't know. What are we doing? Is that why our goose is laying down? Or he or she's laying down ready to get plowed?

It's like ready to... Like a confession booth? Yeah. Oh my God. I just pictured a glory hole in a confession booth. Hey, before I tell you this, can you knock this out real quick sorry it's hard to hear your confession with my dick in your mouth cut out the middle man yeah right exactly i mean it makes sense uh we did get some mail oh we get a lot of mail thank you to everybody who sent it in if you want to get some female i tell you what if you want to send something in you find or you can find a link to uh or at least like what our physical po box is in the episode description but you remember when we got the the dick corsets you remember that they were sent in by yo and she also did a crazy yes letter so she did a follow-up okay i'm gonna read it right now um it has the like the the wax the wax seal and everything on aged paper and it says here we go it says

an eon ago, I sent, wait, wait, do you have like old timey music or anything you could play? Like, I wish I had like a flute or something. That always killed me by the way, about old war.

Like someone's just on a piccolo. There's a guy, there's a guy playing the drums and a guy playing the piccolo and a guy holding a flag. They're walking to their deaths. And no one shoots them. That's the first person I'd shoot. I can't stand that.

Everyone just lets them keep on fucking playing the pipe. Yeah. The first thing, I'd be like... I mean, I'd let the flag go. Drum's fine. Well, you know what they always do in the movies? Like Patriot, the flag flies and somebody runs up there, gets it, picks it up and runs up there. You drop your gun to go pick up the flag.

You're naked now. It was weird. Now you're naked now. It was a weird time. Yeah. I mean, all of it. But it says, an eon ago, I sent a lengthy letter with some lengthy fingerless leather penis gloves. Today, the letter is short. And the dick corsets even shorter.

Well, because you had mentioned that they'd only fit when rock hard, so I hastened up to fashion some shorter ones to enjoy on shorter occasions. Then I procrastinated like a motherfucker and only finally now got to sending them, enjoy, you filthy animals. Love your daughter and niece. Yo.

P.S. The time stamp on the first letter brings you to when Zachy Poo said that you should get those made Or whatever And then here's I don't know why, this made me laugh so hard It's a little rhyme she wrote at the end I'm not sure if it's a thing, but if you came up with this

It's really funny, it says Hickory Dickory Dock I rhymed cock with cock How could I make Such a rookie mistake When many more words rhyme with cock Yeah, but no better words rhyme with cock how could i make such a rookie mistake when many more words rhyme with cock you have no better words rhyme with cock good stuff yo good job i know so we got these i mean they're they're fancied up they got lace yeah those there's definitely like flaccid yeah i'm gonna go ahead and tie and they're still gonna be too big and they're different they're different

lengths like some are shorter and some are a little longer. I think we might have to just try them on. Dick off! We just stand in a circle. That one doesn't fit me. You try that one. This one's a little snug. This one makes my head look too big. Thanks, yo. I already told Cassie about it

so I'll be trying that on later. Quick email from our son Brandon who writes, I snuck sex on me into my Valentine's evening playlist. so I'll be trying that on later. Oh, yeah. A quick email from our son, Brandon, who writes, I snuck sex on me into my Valentine's evening playlist. Yes. I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. Oh, what?

You didn't like it? I don't know, man. Come on, tell me, what's your wildest fantasy? W-W-Doc, come and have more of me. In my web, so come and have more of me. That's the best line in the history of music. We've got to find that fill. Pussy's hot, we're dripping. God.

Hold on, I've got to find the drum fill. This has to be right here. No. That's still pretty bad. I'm going to propose something. What is it? That Zach finds it on his phone or something And then

Give us the time Okay, that sounds good That's a good idea I've had enough of that Find it and give me the time stamp You can find the link It's hard to find, people can't find it Actually, I guess if I give you his name How many places i have now uh it is up to 257 whoa it has gotta be what do they

have three i still i thought i had like 17 or something yeah it was not it was not good yeah it's not good what's his name again joseph morrow let's blow this guy up people guys get this guy let's get into a thousand plays at least on Sex on Me. That can't be that bad. Let's reach out and do... What? Let's reach out to him. Do it with him?

No, we'll do a remix with him. Okay. We'll redo the song with him. Fly him out? Yeah. Get some actual audio on it? Fuck yeah, dude. No, I feel bad.

If I actually liked it. But the problem, I guess it is kind of an earworm. It's in there. It's a good song. It's so catchy. And it gets to the WW. It's just like this huge chorus of people. WW.

Coming all over me. All right. Should we get the show going? Yeah. All right. Let's roll it. Zach! Whoops. Hey, shut up. It's not

the show already. What the fuck is that? It's probably because he's looking for the time. I'm looking up sex on you. That's all right. We'll just leave it and keep going. So, this is an interesting one. And just the picture it paints is very funny to me what

amount of money would it take for you to eat all the clothes you're currently wearing in a 24-hour period i definitely would like to i'd like to be asked this question in the summertime yeah or in a nude beach oh you're only in the summertime. Yeah. Or at a nude beach. Ooh. Mm-hmm. Even a regular beach. You're only wearing a condom? And you're like, I don't know, 10 bucks? Quick side note.

Have you ever been to a nude beach? I have. But I did not get naked. Okay. I was curious. I was just browsing. I think I'd love to go to a nude beach, but I wouldn't want to be nude. But I would love to just sit there and just be

watch dudes, Dom, flowing in the wind. God, I'd love to watch some dicks flapping off some thighs. Swinging in some wind. Just walk down the beach and they're just going slap, slap, back and forth. You're trying to film a sunset. Just like this guy. This dick just walks in.

It stretches and then turns to the camera and he goes, oop. And then it's just a quick dick getting out of the way of a sunset. Just a fast little dick shuffle. Oop, sorry. And that's better than a sunset. So it's a win-win, really. Well, the moon's out tonight, Burley.

Heyo. Oh, that's funny. Totally clips, am I right? But just the idea of eating your clothes. Yeah. And I did some research to figure out because I was like, can you eat clothes? And then I thought about animals. I was like, if your dog eats a piece of fabric and it's a problem,, they have to get surgery to get that fabric removed.

Do they? Yeah. I mean, it depends on how big the fabric is, but if a dog eats a fucking sock, there's no way that sock's coming all the way through. Like, a whole sock? What if you eat, like, a pair of leather boots? I mean, you're just eating cow. It's funny that you bring up leather, because leather has calories.

So, I mean, you're eating, and in some parts of the world, they will cut up leather because leather has calories so you mean you're eating and in some parts of the world they will cut up leather like cow hide and put it in soup or in noodles but it's cut and it's cooked it's ready to go he's picturing you is it called hide because they hide it in soup they don't want you to know it's hot yeah that's how the name came about. Like, picturing you because you're always wearing a washed dinner, a mariner's hat. Yeah. And you're like, no, I don't know. You pick your favorite

amount of money. I'm guessing... I can't even bite the bill. We'll get to the money in a second. But just picturing you like, you're boiling your hat. You're pushing it around your wife walks in you're like cauldron yeah you got all your clothes in there and you're just pouring like some soy sauce in your wife's like what the fuck are you doing be like i don't know we're

about to be rich i gotta eat all my clothes on imagine seasoning it and stuff you're like to taste you're like tasting it not needs more still taste a sweatshirt needs more what do you what would you what would what would make a shirt taste better poison ranch dressing a little bit of ranch yeah a little ranch on your shirt little ranch on your shoes because your shoes have to go down. Imagine having to cook for Gordon Ramsay or something, but it's clothes. And he's like, this is shit. I'm like, well, I don't have much to work with here. I don't know what you want.

These are fucking pants. What do you want from me, dude? What do you want from me? I'm cooking crocs. A crock pot. How do you cook it? In a crock pot. Duh.

What the fuck else am I cooking? Gordon? Fucking stupid bastard. Do you have a shoe pot? No? Okay. I'll cook it in the crock pot. But you're trying to eat your fucking clothes.

These would be, these pants, they're thin. They're kind of, you know, they're, I could probably. You think? You're going to have, the money part comes down to surgery for me Yeah And risking your life You have to have money left over After the inevitable surgery

You're going to need What do you think it's going to I mean if you had to put an actual amount on it I mean a million bucks We've talked about this before It just doesn't feel like enough And 24 hours doesn't feel like enough Right I mean you can throw all your clothes in like some acid before like it just doesn't feel like enough and 24 hours doesn't feel like enough right

i mean you can you can throw all your clothes in like some acid and dissolve it all juice it yeah juice your clothes yeah sure you could like i mean you have your watch is that clothing or an accessory that's an accessory okay so anything in your phone well even a hat's an accessory sweatshirt's an accessory okay so anything in your phone well even a hat's an accessory sweatshirts necessary at this point it's got to be like it's it's man it's like clothing that you need to okay but that we're talking about shoes here those are those are i'm gonna count those as clothing right yeah yeah so like moon boots winter coats yeah you're it just depends i mean right now i'm eating a t-shirt, pants, underwear, socks, and shoes.

That's what I have to put down into my stomach. You can do it. See, but look at this. Like, I'm wearing a sweatshirt, and you're not. I mean, the advantage that you would have right out of the gate. Crazy. Like, a sweatshirt, that's going to take a lot. I'm not wearing a hat.

I mean, eating a hat. But we decided that's an accessory. Really? Yeah. It's not a necessary part of your outfit. I mean, we're going back to nude beach. I mean, is anything necessary? You're not wearing a hat.

No. Okay. It's got to be the things that you would need to wear to go into a store. Like no shoes, no shirt, no hat. No, uh, no service. Glasses. Yeah, glasses. That's not clothing. T-shirts.

But I need them. An upper wear, a lower wear, and shoes. I think it's a fabric. It's a fabric. Okay, so just the fabric that you're wearing. Is it possible to eat fingerless gloves? I don't think it's possible. I mean, there's leather.

I mean, they're leather. They're tougher than fuck, though. Yeah, they are tough. Well, that's why you just need one of these guys. But possible. I mean, there's leather. They're leather. They're tougher than fuck, though. Yeah, they are tough. Well, that's why you just need one of these guys. So am I. You chop them up. Switch blade. Do you have yours? Oh, no. Mine's in a trash can.

Be careful. I was just going to see. How tough are these gloves? Don't. You push them straight into your palm. Don't do that. Kip! So, clothing. these clothes you push them straight into your palm don't do that um so clothing i i think that you can get away you can you could melt it down into a fucking pants smoothie right you could dissolve it and then eat it to a pants feet yeah pants feet um yeah i mean how would you do that though that's uh all the chemicals that are in it, it's not going to be good for you.

No. Like, it really could kill you. Yeah. So what amount of money would you be setting? I would want to be done with playing the money game if I'm going to eat my fucking outfit. Yeah. So I'm going to pick, I'm going to go high. A billion?

No, that's too high. I would go a hundred million. Like, and I'm done. I'm going to pick. I'm going to go high. A billion? No, that's too high. I'll go 100 million. I'm done. I'm done for life. I don't need any more money. 100 million, I'm done. You invest it. You have enough to help people out.

And unless you're living like a fucking lunatic, you're going to be done. And your kids are done. Everyone's done for the rest of their life. You just have to have a good life. Your fellow podcast host is done too. I mean, 10 million. No, no, no. You didn't eat your hat.

You were all caught on your hat. And I'm going to remember that when I have $100 million. You got to be quicker. You got to be quicker than that. The Geico commercial? Mm-hmm. Eat your hat. Then I would start paying you just to eat your hat but hey brian hey joe

how's it going sliding a couple bucks that's good i can't hear you over the yacht we're um we're going pretty fast on the yacht the helicopter's landing but um did you eat your hat yet remember i'll give you a million give you one mil if you eat that fucking hat you can just walk around and off for entertainment and be like, eat your hat for $50,000. Hey, I'll give you $50,000 if you eat your hat right now. Are you fucking serious? Yeah.

How do you think I got this money? You just give them a fucking steak knife and a fork and they'll eat your hat. You got 20 minutes. Oh man, that'd be so brutal. And then they have to pay for surgery. Trying to fucking push a hat through their intestines. I've eaten worse.

You've eaten worse than a hat? No, probably not. No. Zach, what are you thinking on this? I could go for a hundred grand. I'd probably start eating. A hundred grand? Yeah.

A hundred grand, you would eat your outfit? I feel like I could turn that hundred grand into something. Those fucking boots that you're wearing? It's just a weekend of hard work. No, you get 24 hours. Okay, I can do it. Jeez, 100 grand. Let's do it.

GoFundMe and let's see what happens. I don't think we have enough insurance to cover Zach dying from eating his fucking boots. I think GoFundMe would catch whiff of that and be like, nah. Nah, he's not eating. We're not letting this guy eat boots. This is not going to happen. 100 grand for this guy eating boots. We're not doing this.

GoFundMe, go fuck yourself. GoFuckYourself.com? Yeah. Speaking of that, your seven-minute song that you had me look up. Oh, yeah. 450 is the time stamp. Really? It was towards the end there?

Yeah. I knew it was somewhere around there. No, you didn't. Am I zoomed? Wait. No is the time stamp. Really? It was towards the end there? Yeah. I knew it was somewhere around there. No, you didn't. Am I zoomed? Wait. No, the song. Wait, the video is not loading right. That makes more sense.

Because it's only shown me that the song was four minutes long. That's seven, I guess. It's Master of Puppets. Master of Sex. The next turn, guys. Remember, I was like, I think it's like 4.50, but the video is only on me. The next turn, the next turn, guys. I knew, remember, I was like, I think it's like 450, but the video's only showing me so much when I loaded it. All right, here we go.

Three, two, one. I forgot how long it was. I forgot how long it was. As long as everyone meets up on that crash. Yeah, nothing else matters. Yeah, you just got to end on the crash. I'm going to go high just because of my health. And I'm worried about actually getting sick and dying. And that's terrible.

So I need to have an immortal amount of money so if you start eating it how disappointing like running a marathon like i'm thinking of iron man if you know what an iron man is like you have to swim you have to bike you have to run an ungodly amount of fucking shit and you have to finish before midnight yeah you get done with your underwear, and you're like, time! And it's like, 1202. And you're like, sorry, sorry. And the Guinness World Records guys cry and leave. Just leave your house, and you're just fucking.

And you're like. And you're just naked in full of your clothes. Just sitting in this chair completely naked. You just throw up a bandana. It peeks out of your mouth. You slurp the bandana back in. That's what would suck about this. It's like you don't get it and then everyone's disappointed.

There's a crowd watching. And then you die in the hospital. He goes, oh, and you just walk off. And then you're sitting there like. Naked with one sock on. I'm sorry, kids. I just thought daddy could do it. It's not... I don't know, man.

It's the health concerns. So I'm going to have to go big. I'm going to go huge. Sacks at $100,000. I'm going $100 million. I can't believe that. $100,000? Yeah, I'm kind of a hoe.

One, like two years of living. I've eaten gas station burritos for decades, bro. I can handle it. If a gas station burrito was wrapped in a fucking t-shirt. Yeah, but would you eat that lifetime of burritos in a 24-hour period? No. Yeah. I'm just saying it kind of made my stomach stronger.

Oh, man. You need a fortress. For my boots, probably, yeah. Yeah, your body's not digesting it. Imagine you having to shit out a sweatshirt. How funny that is. That's my can-you-don't sweatshirt. It just wrapped in turd.

It comes out. I mean, you get to cut it up. I mean, you get to cut it up. But imagine you didn't. And you're like, oh. And just the string of your sweatshirt comes out your I mean, you get to cut it up. I mean, you get to cut it up. But imagine you didn't. And you're like, oh. And just the string of your sweatshirt comes out your butthole. And you're like, this. It's clean.

It's brand new and washed. Your O-ring acts as a strainer. And it comes out dry and perfect. And you're like, well, my family's gone and disappointed. But it's got a clean sweatshirt how about that uh what are you thinking i don't know if there's an amount of money to make it just because that's in a 20 i just don't i think you'd die yeah so dissolving it in acid and making it somewhat like you can actually chew it has to be the only way and i

feel like that's cheating yeah i feel like that's cheating? Yeah, I feel like that's cheating. Like, you just gotta eat it. Cut it up and chew it and swallow it. You just gotta eat it. So tiny, tiny pieces. I mean, just think about it. And then throw all your clothes through a wood chipper, at least, maybe, and get into pieces that you could actually swallow.

Man. Too much. I don't know. Whatever. Hypothetical situation. They just give you a steak knife and a fork, like, in a plate. Go to town. And then you just take off your... They're stacked up like pancakes. When you said steak knife and fork, I just picture this actually being a formal setting, like in a restaurant.

And you call out, like, this won't do. Waiter. And they come over. Yes, sir. Sitting there naked. And you're like, this fedora tastes like shit. Excuse me. I thought I got the organic socks, sir.

And he's like, these are. I'm cotton free. I can guarantee these are the finest quality socks. We only serve the finest. And you're like, I don't know what you pick it up. Has Kirkland stamped on the bottom? You're like, are these the finest socks? I have no idea how they got there.

I'll take this right back. Take this right back to the dishwasher. Okay, let's move on to what are you thinking about? Guess what? Another TSA story. Oh boy. Guess who it's from? Me.

Zach! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about?

So are you telling me that I wasn't out of... Out of pocket? That's a funny close thing. I wasn't out of pocket for the comment about the knife just a little bit ago? You're telling me that there's a... No, guys, sorry to let everyone down, but this is not a Switchblade story. Did you just fart?

What just happened? No, I leaned in my chair and went... Oh. I was like... I was going to fart. What a funny thing. You go, oh, and you lean and go... And then burp instead of fart.

That's a cool trick. Well, I was leaning to fart, but it didn't... And then you looked at me and then I stopped. So, to Hawaii I go. right? We talked about this. Successful, right? Everything was fine. Went to Hawaii. Had a blast. Came back. And when we came back, I went to Seattle first because Cassie had to work. And then we were staying in the Airbnb and then I had to fly back by myself from Seattle to Spokane

all by myself, which I think is pretty cool. Right. Great. I pulled it off. Yeah. Yeah. You did it. I didn't get arrested.

I didn't take it. Just no one was looking after me. I had my little monkey backpack on the way back, whatever, I can come up with whatever excuses I want to. But on the way to Hawaii, I didn't bring a switchblade. I brought no knives. So that's cool. That's smart.

On the way back, I brought the same shit that I had brought into Hawaii with me on the Seattle to Spokane flight, right? But you bought a machete in Hawaii. Right. Secretly. Off the black market.

No, on the way to Hawaii, we checked everything. Right? So there's different rules between a carry-on and then what you can check. And because just to have an extra hand and we were already checking shit, why not check my bag on the way to Hawaii instead of wheel it around the airport, right? Makes sense. You get it. But flying from Seattle to Spokane, I needed my suitcase without all my clothes in it. Okay? So I just packed that.

It already is pretty much packed. So when it's time to fly from Seattle to Spokane, I just get that little carry- pretty much packed. So when it's time to fly from seattle to spokane I just get that little carry on I get my backpack Bye, everybody go to the airport and i'm flying back so we can record the show Uh when I get to the airport I'm tsa pre-check right we've covered that So shoes are on i'll have to take my computer out like things are so great god It feels good. Like i'm just i'm above everybody else everybody else yep and everybody else can fucking suck my dick yep so i'm going

through and my backpack comes out and i'm like cool no switchblades like i didn't accidentally bring a switchblade and i put it on and then i look back and the next bag that comes through is not my carry-on and i went ah man what happened and then the next bag's not my carry-on i'm like god damn it then i look back behind the the x-ray machine there's my bag some guys digging through it not yet it's sitting back there and i'm like what the fuck dude and i'm like there's like there's nothing it's my fucking clothes so it comes down the little chute you have a track record that's why yeah maybe you're on a lift and it's it's not getting better.

I can promise you that much. I heard it. I got a Zach laugh. I got a, ha ha, through the door. So it's not going to get better after this. And so it goes down the side chute. And the guy grabs it and goes, is this your bag? I'm like, yeah.

Let's go dig through this. He brings it over. And for whatever reason, there is a family. And it was like a giant asian family and i don't know what they were like but they were all getting their bags checked too so i'm not sure if they knew the rules so there there is a mob standing around well my bag gets checked okay they're all watching you they're all watching me because all their shit's getting checked too i don't know what happened to them i have have no idea, but all I know is my bag is there and there's an audience. And the TSA

guy, he opens it up and he goes, he does this, he does this little number, leans over, looks at the monitor to see like where the problem is. Right now, at this moment I have no idea what's wrong. And he goes, huh? He does like a little thing,

he adjusts his glasses a little bit. And then he digs his hand in the front there and then grabbed and just pulls out a giant fucking bottle of lube. And the way he set it down, he just. Live by the sword, die by the sword buddy just a full bottle like we didn't even use it

yeah we brought it in case things got fun yeah and we didn't even we didn't even fucking use it it's a brand new bottle of lube

I forget the name of it I'm sure it's like I don't I do not fat lube no it's lube life and it's in giant letters across this giant tube of lube

and the way the way it put it seriously was on the metal little and it's in giant letters across this giant tubaloo. And the way it put, it seriously was on the metal little platform, and it goes, and I'm looking at it, and I just go, oh, my God. And I start laughing. And this giant Asian family is all just staring at this giant bottle of lube. And I look at them. They look at me. And I go, eh.

And I do a little shrug. And he goes, okay, you got two options. I was like, you can throw it away. All right, here are your options. Throw it away. And just cut them off. He goes, you've got it. I was like, you can throw it away. And he goes, okay.

Just throws it in the other metal thing and i was gonna say like an empty garbage can so it's just going it busts open and then he slips on it no but it wasn't the family slips on it it wasn't like your your travel size of lube yeah it was like you know it was a hefty lube right it's got got to cover your dick. 20 ounces of fucking lube life. Of fucking lube life. Costco lube. Where did you get it? Online.

And we didn't even use it. Not one goddamn time. It was still sealed and everything. And anyone who's ever bought lube? You guys ever? Zach? Really? Probably.

Brian? Extremely expensive. for no reason and i've never bought it by itself the reason is because you don't know how to make it yeah yeah that's why it's so expensive like it's i mean that was probably like a it was like a fucking 40 dollar 20 ounce bottle of fucking lube life lube is pretty amazing how it just doesn't like lotion will just Rub into the skin lube just can't irritate. Yeah lube just like what's up, dude? Let's go. Uh-huh Yeah, you ready like I don't even care if you're turned on we're fucking doing this. Mm-hmm. That's a that's lube's job Yeah, and lube has one job has one job. It does it well, it doesn't it's like we don't care. We're making this happen Um, I've had a busy day. Well

lube life I don't know my commercial. I don't know my brain's just this happen. I've had a busy day. Well, lube life. I don't know. That's the commercial. I don't know. My brain's just like, I feel like I can't do it. Lube life. No, you can.

You can do this. You absolutely can do this. You're going to have no problem. You can fit it. Lube life. Hash brown lube life. And he just slammed it out, and he's like, all right, well, we can. I just throw it away. I'm not going to the back of the security line

for a fucking bottle of lube. You can go check this. Take it up to the front. They make you weigh it? Yeah, that's the big thing with the suitcase. It's coming out of the luggage belt.

With the little tag on it. Little tag, Joe Paisley. Yeah, they wrap it around the top and they set it in there. Too good, too good. Oh, fuck. You have to just wait, right?

Let's say that comes, you're waiting for everyone to get their bag. Oh, there's mine. And then you're still waiting. You're like, oh man, where's my bag? Wait till everyone clears out. Some other guy's like, whose lube is this? Oh, thank you. That's mine.

The guy I just picture the guy, you know, when you're like, can Joe Paisley please come up so that you have to talk to the boarding area? Like that kind of thing. Because there's people, hundreds of people waiting for an airplane if they called you up is this your loop sir rookie i mean rookie mistake we you know you travel in the sex toys you check it you know someone has to look at it it's in an x-ray machine but people are freaks and if you don't have to deal

with it face to face you're like i'll just check i'll just check this stuff but that was the first time in my i would rather get caught with a switchblade than a giant bottle oh yeah for sure but i mean i all i guess fuck i laughed my ass off and i was like cassie guess what she goes what like just so i was like guess what tsa just found and she's like trying to guess and i was like nope did she know you brought it but no like i had no no no she knew i brought it we had no idea where it was so it's in the very bottom of my carry-on under all my clothes and i had no idea it was in there so anyway that was funny um you got anything else to add about lube life hash brown uh no i mean we could get into a whole thing but i get it

whole thing yeah i just i think it's any time, I mean, sexual things are funny. I think I told you about the time that we almost pranked one of my buddies in Vegas. We were going to buy

a vibrator that had a remote and when it was going through we were going to turn it on so they had to dig through his bag and I just imagined him pulling out

this giant veiny dildo that he had no idea was in there. Putting that thing on the metal table? Mm-hmm. Just about. Whoa! Because we have the remote so we're gonna fuck with it change the the vibrating the pattern yeah tsa agents chasing it down the fucking terminal It's just running

Oh shit My private partner's going to the C gate So I'm in the D gate Oh Heyo D gate Alright let's take a look at the confessions Okay

We got a while I think it's I mean it's very drunk and sex Yeah Today which Those things go hand in hand Zach Confessions Oh sorry Confessions Sex. Yeah. Today, which those things go hand in hand. Zach!

Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. I forgot that you do that and then record. So I thought you were, you just did that. Oh, just then? Yeah, I thought that was you just then. Oh, sorry.

So sorry. Confessions. Do you want to take the first one? I'll take it. Yeah, you're going to fucking gobble this thing up. Oh, yeah. All right. This is quite the story, Joe.

Yes, it is. Hello, Papa and Papa, as well as Uncle Zach with his big sack. Do you have a big sack, Zach? Not so much. Okay, cool. Thanks for asking. You're welcome. Real quick, do you fill out your sack pretty well?

I fill out my sack. There's not a whole lot of skin going on. It's definitely filled out. Yeah. Yeah. Like when I do bat wings, there's other bat wings that are way more impressive. Anyway. How's your sack? I don't really want to say anymore. You have a whole lot of skin down there?

No. Okay. It depends on how warm it is. I'm recovering junkie of seven plus years. My DOCs were... My drug of choice. My drug of choice were everything but I loved crack opiates together. Sick combo.

Yeah, dude. Terrible idea. Is that like a fireball? Like cocaine and heroin or something? Or what are the vodka Red Bull? Up, down, up, down. How's your heart? How's your heart?

Isn't that why Chris Farley died? Wasn't it like a fireball or something? Ups and downs, ups and downs? I think he did a fireball or something. Like the shot? No, it's like a, I think it's like a Coke and heroin mixed or something. Oh, I'm so excited if you know something about drugs that I don't right now. Yeah.

The only reason I would know is because I was a huge Chris Farley fan. Yeah. All right. One night I was in a car for hours just volleyballing the pipe and pills.

Goddamn. There's going to be a lot of lingo that I'm not familiar with. No, you got it. Having a grand time. Soon I ran out of course and had to go

to my dealer's house. So I called him up and headed that way. Now mind you, I was zooted beyond zooted is this lingo is this drug lingo yeah zooted yeah here's fucking your eye your high shit throw back a bottle a little bit and had to uh and had to pee but the drugs took precedence i arrived at my dealer's house and walked inside paid for my stuff and stood there

talking to him now this dude was straight up OG Crip. Ooh, okay. I can't tell you what block areas it would DOX me. DOX me. Is that like 86? Yep. Nevertheless, he was friendly enough to carry a convo on with a 16-year-old

junkie zooted out of his mind. Now remember, I had to pee, so while standing there in a full-blown conversation with this man and a few of his homies in the house, I pissed my pants. Full-blown, an hour of holding and peed my pants. Oh my god. The room

fell silent, and I just stared at him, not upset, embarrassed, or anything else, just zooted. Zooted! Finally he said, you gotta change your clothes? Hey, man, you got to change your clothes, homie. This shit sucks. My answer?

I got all I need right here. While I held the baggies up and wiggled them around smiling. Got everything I need right here. No, you need new pants. I left and spent the rest of my night in a car behind the movie theater getting more zooted until I passed out and woke up in my pee-pee pants. Not a huge dark story, but something I've never told anyone that wasn't there. Yes, I did buy from him again.

No, he didn't bring it up. That's a good drug dealer. Like not holding grudges or, you know. Just wants your money. It's like customers. Yeah, that's a businessman right there. It's strictly business with this guy. That's right.

I'm clean now, as I said before, and very proud, happy of that. To anyone else struggling, you can do it. Love both my papas and Uncle Zachy. P.S. Now I keep a backpack with me at all times with a complete change of clothes. Well, you won't need that if you're not Zooting! Right. But you can still... I mean, I just pooped my pants recently.

What a funny line. I'm picturing like the same thing in a like a police situation guys it interrogated. He's like sir Sir you're being you're being arrested For a double homicide Are you sure you don't want your lawyer? He's like no got all I need right here Things that picks up a little baggie and wiggles it. They just grab it from him. I really think that you need a lawyer. Nope.

Got all I need right here. Right here. And he just has like some fucking arcade game on his phone. Tetris. He goes, nope. Oh, I got all I need right here. Or Candy Crush. She's like, this is all I need.

This is all I need. So we're going to have to confiscate that phone. Nope. Then I don't have all I need. And I'm going to need right here. Or a candy crush. She's like, this is all I need. This is all I need. So we're going to have to confiscate that phone. Nope. Then I don't have all I need. And I'm going to need a lawyer. Better get that lawyer. Better get that lawyer if you're taking candy crush away. Oh, man.

Selling drugs, pissing your pants, just not giving a fuck. I'm glad you got clean. Because that's not normal behavior. No. No. All right. Moving on to our next confession. It says, I'm one of the rare few who

actually enjoys a good enthusiastic hand job wait what who doesn't enjoy that some i mean some people they're like hey can we just listen i'm 45 years old can you just put it in your mouth like some people they just move on from hand jobs well i gotta I'll say this. Well, I don't know if we should. Just fucking say it! I got some lube. That's what I was going to say earlier. Why didn't you say it earlier? I did.

I said I've never bought it stand-alone. Whatever. This is going to be good. Keep going. Well, no. It's usually like when you're on your period, it's just that. But now we got some stuff that we can do, some hand stuff, and it makes it more exciting. I'm so proud of you.

You're not just waiting around for a... And it's been much more... When you have little kids, it's like, let's knock something out real quick. But now it's like we're actually enjoying it a little bit more that's i'm so happy about that yeah you gotta make time for the come oh yeah and uh so i've i opened up a little bit about it and we talked about it and now we're it's uh probably better than ever has doing this show helped you open up about stuff no i've always been open about hearing about all the fans right in they're like sharing their stories yeah fucking who cares yeah well yeah it's definitely like

it's something that you shouldn't be no weird about no for sure not so anyway he enjoys a good enthusiastic hand job you better put your heart into it though yeah like some fucking i don't know you can't do this just It's like, oh. You just slap her hand? Yeah. You're like, no, you're not doing it right. Just stop. Spray bottle.

You just got to go work that shaft. Hands up. And my wife was putting in work in the shower. I was getting close and wanted to paint her face. So we sat down on the back of the tub So we sat down on the back of the tub She sat down on the back of the tub Getting boned up here Against the wall

She went heavy on the lube And given it was in the shower A lot of it ended up on the ground Cut to the money shot I'm about to launch A shot at her I flexed my legs hard Which caused me to comically slip

Like something out of Looney Tunes Windmill style I flexed my legs hard, which caused me to comically slip like something out of Looney Tunes. Oh, no. Windmill style. In a millisecond, my legs were above my head while I was shooting ropes all over her and the rest of the bathroom. I mean, this guy, he comes, is what I'm learning. Yeah. Come flying in every direction as I landed hard on the side of the tub directly on my rib cage.

Broke a rib, but the scene was so funny, I could not stop laughing and laid there splayed out with half my body in the shower and half out still shooting my nut. Why is this a confession because i realized how much i enjoy pain it was one of the hardest orgasms i've ever had i was gonna comment about that like once like pain is it does add to an orgasm where it's like the pain it's not like a bad pain it's like a whoa part of the experience pain yeah But something like falling hard like that, that'd be. I visualized when he said his feet above his head, I visualized him falling backwards and then like shooting himself in the face with jizz. Oh, God. That.

That's what I was picturing. That story reminds me of an email that I've gotten where like having sex and it was cowgirl style right and when he was going to come he pulled out and then he shot it over her back and onto his own face damn that's like a hijab it's a pole vault that belongs to the olympics yeah i mean you got some you got some altitude to clear. And he just went, uh, uh, and just, just right over his shoulder. Just see it in slow motion. It's like flying. What's that?

Oh, no. What have I done? What have I done? Salty. Oh, man. All right. So on to our next confession. Fun stuff.

Yeah. It's so good. There's so many. Just keep the embarrassing sex stuff coming. I love it. Because, I mean, pun intended. Yeah. But our next confession. Fun stuff. Yeah, it's so good. There's so many. Just keep the embarrassing sex stuff coming. I love it. Because, I mean, pun intended. Yeah. But, all right.

Hit it. I live in the Midwest, and I was invited to Florida for a few years and allowed, for New Year's, sorry, and allowed a plus one. I had recently began a brand new relationship with a nice lady and decided to bring her along. Get in. A nice lady. Get in here.

Nice lady. She's a nice lady and decided to bring her along. Get in here. A nice lady. Get in here. Nice lady. She's a nice lady. Once in Florida, we found out we were sharing a story house. Story house? With friends. Friends of friends, and some of them had children. 18 people total and plenty of room. It's a big ass house.

My girlfriend at the time and I got designated to stay on the first floor next to the family. No issues at this point. We got a room with a large walk-in shower that we made plans to defile later that night, as you do. Shower to shower story. Most of us were in our mid-20s and decided to go out the night before New Year's and found a local karaoke bar, as you do. After many drinks, Nickelback and Blink-182 songs, and screaming over the microphone to the bartender for, Jägerbomb, stat! I was finally lured out of the bar at closing time by the promise of Taco Bell.

That'll do it. Turns out I passed out in the Uber, so no Taco Bell, and I got sent home alone while everyone bounced to the next bar. Whoops. Outpartied everybody. You're like, this guy was singing deep cuts of Nickelback. Yeah, he was. We got to get him home. Stuff off like...

Never made it. No, even before that. There was Nickelback before that? Oh, yeah. Okay. I remember their first Canadian release was, I think, 96. And then... Do you want me to get into it?

No. Okay. Thanks for getting this far into the email while alone and profusely intoxicated i was afraid i'd throw up on the airbnb furniture so out of uh out of habit i took myself to the shower cranked the hot water and sat down to feel i love it's like this is just his instincts kicked in he's like this and this is gonna be this is what everyone already doesn't like. What I want to do is go sit in the fucking hot water in the shower. Sat down to

feel better, thinking I'd get up once the water turned cold. Turns out it was an instant water turns out it was an instant water heater and never gets cold, so I fell asleep. I woke up to the new girlfriend screaming for me to wake up. Turns out I had sat

on the drain, so half of the first floor was, oh my god, flooded about two inches with water and assorted puke chunks. Oh my god. My girlfriend shocked herself unplugging her phone that was, oh, she shocked

herself unplugging her phone that was charging on the floor. The family in the next room over for... The family in the next room over for scarring the young kids with dinosaur noises. For scaring. I'm guessing. So the kids were there.

And I just went to sleep while my girlfriend cleaned up. That's a good guy right there. You got it, right? You got this i'll get the next one one of the best things one of your best qualities is you you're good at cleaning the water that's why i don't know i was talking when i called my mom here today and she's like well what do you like about it i was like i don't know she's good with cleaning that water she cleans up my messes real good she's good at water what she's good at water she's good at water

fucking sitting sitting water cleaning puke it's like i'm just gonna mess it up anyway so you do it who cares i'm just yeah we ended up leaving the rugs and furniture outside for a day or two to dry and we luckily did a good enough job of cleaning we didn't get charged extra by the owner oh they have no idea sorry for the lasting water damage if the owner is listening. If, oh, if share, feel free to edit for Brian's reading abilities. You did a pretty good job. I'm going to go ahead and give you some kudos on that one. I feel like both of them, that one was a little choppy.

Yeah. But the. Just a weird sentence in there. Yeah. Yeah. That was a weird sentence. That wasn't my fault. I mean, can we just take a pause and talk about Airbnb's fees for a second?

I never really stay in them. Oh, man. What a fucking nightmare. It's like, hey, get this huge house for only $190 a night plus $700 for cleaning fee and $200. You're like, fuck. All right. Well, just say with the ending prices. Well, that's how they get you in there.

I know. That's not just Airbnb. Everyone does that. I know, but Airbnb is cranked up. Yeah. Cranked up. And what the fuck? I'm not sure if this is just our area, but what the fuck's going on with Uber Eats and

fucking Grubhub and DoorDash these days? Is Grubhub still around? And DoorDash. Like, what the? Their fees just went crazy. I was trying to just get a sandwich from Jersey Mike's the other day and i was like i'm not that hungry i was gonna get just a mini a mini sandwich tiny no chips no drink 40 bucks to have you just go get it i know but i was busy i was editing and i was like i'm hungry i want to keep keep doing i'm gonna get at least get

a pop and chips with it you can't just get a tiny who knows what it would have been if i did that well at least it would have been worth it not a half a sandwich it would have been worth 55 bucks well if you're just gonna eat a half a sandwich and still be hungry but i wasn't that hungry heading in oh i yeah i made something what can i i ended up just feeling like i'm not fucking doing this that's what i'm upstairs i made a fucking sandwich that's what i do every time i'm like let's get Taco Bell. And then we order it. And it's like $70.

And you're like, what the fuck? I'll just eat my shoe. And then people get mad when you don't tip them for bringing your stuff. Dude, it would have been $100 for a number three at Taco Bell. Yeah, I just feel like the delivery fees and whatever other fees are on there have gotten out of control. I've never gotten so drunk that i flooded a bathtub he's so he's lucky he didn't fucking die yeah like and then where was the preventative flood thing he's probably leaned up against it what but what shower are you in the weirdest shower in the world

he just found a little nook and got in there he started at the back he's like this is perfect just went and did like a little slide down until his ass was covering, and his legs were straight up, and his ass was covering the drain. He looked like the dude that was jerking off all over the bathroom. Well, his wife was. Let's give him a little credit. No. Yeah, he didn't do that on his own.

At least he was getting a hand job. Could you imagine? If you did that on your own, if you're just masturbating in the shower, and then fell and broke a rib. I just bet you start jizzing right, and then you fall, and you're like your own, if you're just masturbating in the shower and then fell and broke a rib. I just bet you start jizzing right and then you fall. And you're like, ah! And your dick's just still going like. I'm just a little jealous of that guy throwing the way he.

Did you do that? Zach's playing it through the thing. Six on me. He got my. Come on me. WW dot coming all Over my own face Okay let's move on To our next confession

Alright It says I live in New Zealand As a preference New Zealand Has a drinking culture That starts from a young age As our legal drinking age Is 18

We usually start around 14 or 15 My daughter's 13 he's picturing her dumb ass hammer drunk i mean i got drunk when i was that young how fucking stupid is that you look at him you're like what are you doing like i got it all figured out i'm gonna move on to something that makes life harder it's like no you have no idea what you're doing i was 16 at the time at a party in the outskirts of the city that I live in. We call these country green areas the Wop Wops.

The party was on a vineyard. So don't call it a Wop Wop if you're ever in the States. Don't use that term. That's not going to go well for you. The party was on a vineyard. So imagine a country style house surrounded by rows and rows of vines alongside an open road. Anyway, I had been drinking a lot at this party. Many different types of drinks.

Gross to imagine doing that now to the point where I was barely able to walk. Someone I had dated was at this party and we were talking outside. He made me angry. So I stormed off into the vineyard where nobody else was. I pretended to fall over, thinking he would see me and come to me. Oh my God.

The next thing I know... She's like, looking over. Oh! Oh! My ankle hurts! Oh my gosh, I fell on some grapes!

Hope I don't get graped! Anyway, that was not a safe... Is she whining? There we go. Now we're fucking... Makes her carry it off from that one, not leaving me there. So anyway, the next thing I know, I had passed out.

When I woke up, everyone was gone. The party was over. But that isn't the worst part. My underwear was filled! Absolutely brimming with runny shit. I must have drank so much I shat myself shat myself when I passed out

still a bit drunk I took off my underwear tried to wipe off what I could first of all brimming panties isn't that much shit yeah that's a fart gone wrong wrong yeah like unless you're wearing like like some boxers yeah like yeah some some whitey tighties i'm not sure what's going on over in new

zealand but if they're just some like some panties and you shit those they're like this it was full it's like that doesn't mean much so that maybe there's some more room to wipe because i think of brimming with shit you're not using those to wipe yeah yeah anyway i'm still a bit drunk gotta fling it shit away and then i took off my underwear tried to wipe what i could and walk to the road to throw away my undies as i throw them into a ditch i hoped no one would ever find them because my name was inside them it's a very specific name too just and your your address is inside your underwear return to return to 23rd east elm street and put your phone number in there it's like a dog chain i went to a boarding school where i had uh to name we had to name our clothing, underwear included. I thought, oh my God, okay, this is a lot of caps. Oh my God,

please, no one find and identify these shitty undies! I was wearing a dress, and yes, some shit was still on me and my clothes. I didn't know what to do, so I decided to start walking home. Home was a good few hours walk from where I was, but I was young, embarrassed, and didn't know what to do.

As I was walking down this quiet street, my worst nightmare happens. A cop starts driving by. I immediately thought, oh my God, please don't stop, please don't stop. Alas, they slow down and stop next to me. They roll down the window and ask where I'm going. I told them I was walking home, but they insisted that they take me to the party I was at and stay there instead. They ushered me to get into the vehicle.

Reluctantly, I sat in the cop car, windows rolled up, and I filled with anxiety. I firmly believed they could smell the shit on me to this day. They didn't say anything when I was in the vehicle. I can only imagine now, once they dropped me off, what conversation went down about the state of me. You smelled that, right? Yeah. He's like, that girl smelled like shit, what conversation went down about the state of me. It's like, you smelled that, right? Yeah. So I'm like, that girl smelled like shit, right? Yeah.

Wasn't just me. That girl smelled like her undies were brimming with shit, right? Yeah. Brimming. All right. Anyway. On our way. Weep, weep.

So now I'm back at the party house. Everyone is asleep. My next hurdle is to avoid being smelled again. I knock on the door and ask if I can have a shower. A girl sorted me with some towels and pajamas, and I jump straight in. I love the use of caps in here. I mean, it feels like doing it on purpose to make us yell. I ran my dress under the shower water and scrubbed with soap so vigorously, then hung it up to dry while I slept.

The next day, my friends picked me up. I told them what happened. It's a story I will never, ever forget and a story I tell friends after having a few drinks and I shit my pants. I added that part. I do not get that drunk these days. I am a somewhat responsible 31-year-old now. Lol. I do wonder if anyone ever found my named underwear.

I love how she got it. Yeah. Just eating your clothes for free not even for money yeah i could get a million dollars a million dollars just eating your shitty undies for fucking freebies like he's like no i just don't want to get slaughtered that's all it would take for me he's like i'm so sick of this hay i'm just mixing it up uh i uh i just think it's funny that you it's like you're trying to escape somewhere and then you get brought back to where you were right like please get me out of here anywhere we're going

back to the park we're going back this you're out of your fucking mind god i walked all the way here that's a good shit story yeah it is you know i love a good shit story man i if i i accidentally shit my pants in hawaii this i haven't told anybody i totally forgot about till just now yeah i didn't forget about something i don't know i don't even know when that's the part that's scary about getting older like i didn't like i didn't like force a fart i don't know what i was doing i was just like hanging out and sitting around when golfing and i don't know but maybe fucking one t box, I accidentally shit my pants a little bit. That would

suck, and then having to walk around in it. But I didn't know. I had no idea. It wasn't the big one. I got back home, and I was like, oh, I was getting ready for bed, and took my clothes off, and I was like, what the fuck? And I was like, god damn it. And there's just a little bit of shit in my underwear. I'm like, cool. Can't wait to get older. This is

probably going to work itself out. This definitely won't happen when I'm 40. cool. Can't wait to get older. This is probably gonna work itself out. This definitely won't happen when I'm 40. You're gonna be wearing a diaper. Oh, man. It depends, though. What's with buttholes? I get it. What's with buttholes? Just fucking keep doing your job. You have one job.

Well, a sphincter is what you need. You need your sphincter to stay strong. So quit putting things in it? Yeah. All right. You ready to read the next confession? Yeah. Okay, hit it.

Buckle up. Okay. It's important to me that y'all know I have changed and I'm no longer the person that did this. Oh, that's a good start to it. I heard the judgment in Brian's voice and when he read my last story. What? What was the last story?

Mm-hmm. I have no idea. He said it anonymously. I have no idea. He said it anonymously. I have no idea. Okay. And if this gets read in the podcast, I'd like to remain anonymous to the listeners. Okay. To make a long story less long, I had an affair with my ex-husband's twin brother 15 years ago.

Twin brother. Okay. Here we go. My ex-husband and I were having issues, and I started looking for attention elsewhere. I've got to fuck a guy that looks exactly like him, but... But maybe a little nicer. A little bit nicer. Who I don't resent yet.

Yeah, I don't resent him yet, but I still get that same attraction. Yeah, I don't spend the same amount of time around him. Still has a nice dick. He also got an overnight job, which left me home alone with his brother all night after the kids went to sleep. At first, we just hung out like friends. That obviously didn't last long. We were two decent-looking 24-year-olds, and there was usually alcohol involved, so we

fucked. That's what's funny. Let me find that little guy right here. Oh, fuck. Yeah, I got to find it. Here it is. Oh, fuck. Give me an oh, yeah, too.

Oh, fuck. That's an oh yeah, too. Oh, fuck. That's two different versions for you. And then we got the yeah! The first night it happened, I felt terrible. But apparently not terrible enough to stop. One very drunken night, we fell asleep together in his room. Oh, that's so ballsy. Oh, you mean in your womb?

Oh, yeah! Womb. Womb. Womb. Yeah. You get it. Yeah. Like where a baby grows. Yeah.

These twins, they are womb mates. Ah, yeah. I woke up shortly before my ex-husband was due home. That would be funny if, because then you're like, I was sleepwalking and I thought it was you. Because if it doesn't look like you,'s not going to work but it's like i thought it was you because this person looks exactly like you what do you want me to do it's you it's basically you basically it's a different name yeah yeah all right i ran downstairs and tried to sleep but couldn't so i faked it

i think a lot of things a lot of things back what I faked it. I think a lot of things back... What? I thought... Yeah. She faked a lot of things back then? Is that what... Oh, yeah! My ex-husband came home, horny for some reason.

For the first time in a while, turning him down would look suspicious. So we faked. So we... Hold on, hold on. We're having fun now. Here we go. Oh, fuck. Okay.

Back to you. You should put that on the front page, probably. It really should having fun now. Here we go. Oh, fuck. Back to you. You should put that on the front page probably. It really should move over here. That's right. I let my ex-husband do me hours after letting his brother do me. Oh, man. Last week, we learned that they would be called Eskimo brothers. Yep, that's an Eskimo.

So I guess they're Eskimo twins. Although I'm sure that's no longer politically correct. I still feel gross about it. Okay. Yeah, they should be called Electric Brothers now. For the people that like electric. Yeah. The affair lasted for years, and it got really messy.

Almost everything was out in the open except this one thing until now. I'm gifting it to my daddies. Thank you. The Eskimo twins don't know about this unless they listen to the podcast. What is going to happen? What a gamble. I'm so excited. I mean, how many twins?

I mean, that's a wild world. Yeah. You look the same. Probably got a that's a wild world. Yeah. You look the same. Probably got a lot of the same tastes. Yeah. You're probably fucking the same things sometimes. Yeah, it could be. Sorry for the long email.

I trimmed it as best I could. I just trimmed it. Oh, yeah. Then added two sentences, which made it longer. Love the show. Three out of five stars. Wouldn't change a thing. Love your bipolar mess of a daughter.

Hmm. Sorry if you felt I was judging you before. Whatever out of five stars. Wouldn't change a thing. Love your bipolar mess of a daughter. Sorry if you felt I was judging you before. Whatever it was. Yeah. Yeah, well. I don't judge people. The tone I read it in may have been like for flair. And you have to have an opinion.

Yeah. Which, I mean, we rarely address comments. But this seems like a good time to bring one up. I saw one on our YouTube channel that was talking about I mean, Zach. We know Zach's smart. But Zach was the comment was like, I think Zach's the only one that fully understands

fallacies since Joe and Brian get worked up over tiny shit. It's your job. I responded back. I was like, if we just all agreed on everything all the time, it's your job. I responded back. I was like, I was like, we just all agreed on everything all the time. Yeah. It's the most boring show ever. Like no questions asked.

Yeah. You just read the email and you go, cool. Anyway, next segment. Yeah. Yeah. Like nothing to like care about.

Yeah. Or to get worked up about. Yeah. It's like, what the fuck? I'm not like, just go hang out at your grandma's house. That would be funny

if we just, everything we do. What are you thinking about? Not much, really. Not much, man. I haven't been thinking about a lot. All right, next segment. It's like,

I don't know, man. I got some bills to pay and that's fucking, God, that's stressful. Yeah, me too. All right, so let's move off to the next thing.

Let's do an episode of some of that one day where we just don't care about it. Just don't care just for that one guy. Yeah, I did my, I was like, dude, just don't care about it. Just don't care just for that one guy. I was like, dude, you don't want that show. No one wants that show. No one wants that show.

It's a show on TLC called Everybody Agrees. Yeah. It's just everyone being like, yeah, no, I got it. No, that's good. They ask some crazy political question. How do you feel about that? You're like, I don't really have an opinion either way. Everyone's like, yeah, no, me either.

The crowd's like, I it's just cuts the commercial we'll be back with more brain busters right after this all right let's take pretty much everything i say it comes from nowhere it's just it's just it's fun spark i mean i have opinions and my brain is weird and i think about shit in a weird way yeah but i'm never never judging anybody i mean look at brian he's buying lube for hand jobs now which i feel like is a huge win yeah yeah i don't use it myself for like jerking off but yeah did you ever get in a self lube hand job phase then realize just don't do that because it's a messy self like you used lube to jerk your own winner off i tried it I tried it and I was like, nah, I don't like it. Isn't that weird? I like to just raw bareback. Turn it up.

Somehow it sounds even worse through a microphone. Which I didn't think was possible. It sounded so bad before. How can we make this song sound worse? Thanks to everybody for sending in the confessions. Please keep them coming. We love doing them. Yep.

And that email is heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. I have some good news. Do you? Yeah. The witty boy. Okay. Okay. Who's that?

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! And this one falls into something that one of my ex-bosses used to always say that has always stuck with me. Shout out to Gary Allen, GA. Ah, GA. GA, the Grand Poobah at Rock 94 1⁄2 in beautiful downtown Spokane.

Playing all the hits. Spokane's best rock. Can you give me one of those? Yeah, which one? I'm playing all the all the hot. Brand new banger. Banger. That one? This DJ is

breaking all the noise. Let's go. Let's go. You are jamming with the hottest disc jockey ready oh damn didn't work hot shit

hot shit hot shit hot shit hot shit here it comes. Ready? Oh, fuck. All right.

Is that the build up and the... Oh, fuck. All right. Is that the buildup and the... Oh, fuck. Okay. All right. Okay. DJ Horsecock. So violent crimes are dropping fast in the US, even if America... God, you wouldn't know. Don't believe it.

So going back before I got into a fucking... Got into a trance there for a second ga used to always say i'm hot been working what you know i'm hot you just eat your hat yeah um he used to always say the vocal minority that's what he used to say especially when you were like you're doing your show you're doing your thing and then you have like the emails and you have the text line, and somebody writes in, and they're like, dude, this fucking sucks. Nobody who likes it is going to be like, the chances of somebody being like, this is fucking awesome, opposed to the people speaking out being like, this fucking sucks. So you get caught in this weird echo chamber where you're like, oh my God, nobody likes it. It's like, no, if they like it, they're way less apt to reach out and tell you they like it. If they hate it, it fires off a different emotion.

They're like, I got to fucking tell somebody. So I used to always call it the vocal minority. And this reminds me just like of data is you always think because you watch the news that things are the worst that they've ever been. Right. But as we've as we're about to see violent crime is definitely way the fuck down in the united states in 2020 the united states experienced one of the most dangerous years in decades which year 2020 the number of murders across the country surged by nearly 30 percent between 2019 and 2020 is that are they calling covid murders yeah that'd be it's just wrapping that stat in six billion people died and all of them

had masks on the overall violent crime rate which includes murder assault robbery and rape inched up around five percent in that same period but in 2023 crime in america looked very different at some point in 2022 at the end of 2022 and through 2023 there was just a tipping point where violence started to fall and it just continued to fall, said Jeff Asher, a crime analyst and co-founder of AAH Datalytics. In cities big and small from both coasts, violence has dropped. The national picture shows that murder is falling.

We have data from over 200 cities showing a 12.2% decline in 2023 relative to 2022, Nasher said, citing his own analysis of public data. He found instances of rape, robbery, and aggravated assault were all down, too. Yet when you ask people about crime in the country, the percentage is that it's getting a lot worse. A Gallup poll released back in November found 77% of Americans believe there was more crime in the country than the year before, and and 63 felt there was either a very or extremely serious crime problem the highest in history going back to the 2000s oh shit my thing's flickering just started yeah yeah damn it already

kicked it sorry for the sorry for the kicker your mom'ser. What? But this just goes to show you, the more you watch shit, and the more you just get infiltrated with this nonsense. Especially if you're partisan. And you just buy it, and you're just like, this is the fucking worst! Just look at the data!

And I've had this conversation amongst friends, too, talking about other topics where I'm like, yeah, that's crazy. That's a cool opinion. Your opinion is really cool. But what do the stats say? Are they saying the same thing? Because if they're not, then fuck your feelings.

Fuck them. Because you're okay to have an opinion. But if that's not what's actually happening, then maybe loosen your fucking opinion a bit. Like, listen, I guess I don't like it. it and that's fine but it has to stop right there but their opinion is based on the facts on emotion well it's it's based on the facts they're receiving from their echo chamber though right their algorithm yeah they're like no it's fucking terrible and this is happening and it's taking over this and it's affecting our kids and blah blah and i'm like okay got it show me show me the data where what you're saying is what's happening.

Because what you're saying sounds pretty fucking ridiculous. And they're like, well, I have a friend who it's like, okay, so one should check out this podcast. They'll tell you all about it. They're like, well, I have a friend who knows this other person. I'm like, that's a loose one person. Okay, keep going like do you have like when does it become a fucking pandemic or a problem we're not an outlier we're gonna base your entire personality over a fucking outlier statistic just don't do it people

don't do it don't fly left don't fly right figure out what the fuck is going on because the data will tell you what's happening and that's why I wanted to bring this article in. There's a good book from Steven Pinker called... I can't read! The Better Nature of Angels. The Better Angels of Our Nature, The Decline of Violence in America and the World. And it outlines just how good we have it

in the 20th century, 21st century. 21st century, 20th century, not so much. You just keep going up. I'm like... 23rd century is great. It's going to be so great. 21st century, 21st century, 22nd century, 23rd century is great you're like a 20th century 21st century 22nd century 23rd 24th blade runner is awesome it goes all the way up to the 27th century uh yeah but i mean this is in zach's wheelhouse the data stuff man just shut the

fuck up and just it's okay to have an opinion it's's okay to not like something. That is not the point. But you have to understand that's the end of it. I just don't like it. Okay. Fuck yeah, dude. That's about as much weight as that. Fuck your feelings. You have to ask compared to what?

It's just like, I don't like it. The 90s was bad. I don't like to be around it. That's great. But if you start preaching this and sharing this information like it is this huge issue then you're doing you're you're a problem and now you're part of a problem that is just making everything worse by being entrenched on data about your feelings like the feelings they're not necessarily real they don't it's a reaction and that is valid and you can have a reaction you can have feelings

but you cannot expect other people to give a fuck about your feelings fuck your feelings yeah yeah and that goes i mean it goes both ways i know that's used farther by what the right side than the left about fuck your feelings but that's why you don't associate with either side and then you're in the middle and you just use data and you fucking move on like is this a problem let's look it up and figure out if it's an actual problem oh shit it is what can i do about it and you either decide to do something or don't and if you don't then shut the fuck up care if you think is what is true yeah true anyway that was fun thanks for letting me yell about stuff and you've said everything all i would say all the things you'd say so well

this next thing is uh is a little happier and by a little i mean a ton you ready all right the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome is my computer screen still flickering no sick that noise that you made brian's freaked me out i was like did i push that right at the end right before the i don't know what button that is you're like oh my god i better better at it. What I lean on. This was set down by our son, Austin, and it has to do with our love for Megadeth. Yeah.

Oh, it's Megadeth again. And this is a mashup of Jackson 5 and Megadeth, and it's called Mega Jackson. Oh, I'm excited. And it's Sweating Robins. Sweating Robins. Enjoy. You can really hear his vocal performance in this measure. Hello, me.

Meet the real me. In my misfit's way of life. A dark black past is my... It's like a Broadway play. It's like something from The Muppets. My insight is always 20-20. But looking back, I'm still a bit fuzzy. Speak of mutually assured destruction. Nice story.

Todd, the reader's got you. Feeling paranoid. You and me, it's supposed to rain. Anxiety's checking me. My hair is getting thin. Let's go where he starts doing the grit. You two will know my pain. Where's dude at? You do this.

It's nice talking to myself. A credit to dementia. Someday you two will know my pain. It's my black tooth grin. The war inside my head. It's the war. I black tooth grin War inside my head It's a war I'll be dead My icy fingers claw your back

Here I come again Here I come again And then skidly-do Skidly-dee-lee-lee Skidly-dee-lee-lee Paranoid, you're an enemy of the serene Anxiety's jacking me, my hair is scantling Feeling claustrophobic like the walls are closing in

Bloodstains on my hands and I don't know where I've been My skills committed, please commit Now you have granted me, granted me the land Anyway, there you go. That's pretty good. Pretty good. A little mashup there, Austin. There's a wow. It's a wow inside my head.

Now I'm going to sing like this into a microphone. And there's no one that can stop me. And sell millions of records. And sell millions of records. And I hate Metallica. Yeah. I'll show them. I'll show them how to rip songs off.

And I'll tell the media about how they're not very good. Like that? I think they made up, though. Just to sell more records and stuff. You gotta think about it, though. If he stayed in Metallica, he'd just be the guitar player, right? Yeah. Like, he'd just be the lead guitar player.

He was destined for something better. Yeah, and then he gets to go off, and now he gets to be a band. He's not a guy in a band. He is the band. And I know there's a lot of people every time I rip on Megadeth. Like, dude, I fucking love. That's fine. Love them.

But just know that you're hurting my feelings. Every time you say you like them. I have like seven of their records. But what are the numbers show you? Fuck your feelings, yo. What are the numbers show you? There you go, yo. What are the numbers show you? There you go. Yeah, but I'm done with my feelings.

I don't say that they're bad people. I can say it's not for me. It's just not a band I'd like to listen to. Very much. That might be your best impression ever. That's the only impression I have. Put all your eggs in that basket. Just keep going?

Yeah. Just do every interview like a... Like I'm on sweating bullets. Hey, hello me. What? Can you imagine being a Hollywood reporter? Hello, Brad Pitt. It's me again.

It's me again. I have a couple questions for you. You were fucking some other chicks. Is it true? You tell me. I can see you sweating bullets. How many kids do you have, Mr. Brad? Whoa!

Can you believe I sold 7 million records? Okay, anyway, let's move on to the heroes of the kids. My voice hurts. All right, Zach! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

That laugh in that intro every time from, what's his face? From the Goonies? Uh-huh. What was his face? From the Goonies? What was his name? Chunk. No, it's... He named the other guy Chunk. God damn it. What's his name?

Sloth. Sloth. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Zach was waiting patiently. He's like, come on, guys. Get it. I don't want to have to say it. Yeah.

Our one and only email for this week is coming in from our son, Harley. All right? Mm-hmm. I was going to make a motorcycle joke, but I'm not. You got nothing. Still did. Hey, daddies. HCJ, Horsecock Joe, Blaine, and Warm Lapped Uncle Zach.

Oh. Nice little rhyme there. I like it. Warm Lapped Uncle Zach. I love the segment on bathroom attendance. I've encountered these guys more often in strip clubs than any. What? Than any fancy restaurant. That's a good spot.

How many fucking boners you got? Hi, can I dust your boner off for you? It's funny to see the grungy ass ones. 20 bucks for a boner dusting? Oh, I see you're having a good night. He's just got a little towel. He's got one of those, what were they called?

The tiny vacuums? Dust Buster. Dust Buster. Oh, Dust Buster? Yeah. 20 bucks, I'll fucking dust that boner off for you. I work for tips. I work for tips.

Like blue. Yeah, someone's dusting your dick off and saying, I only work for tips. Like, like, glue in. Yeah, someone's dusting your dick off and saying, I only work for tips. You're like, no, I get it. Yeah, I get it.

I get it. You're dusting my tip. Good pun. Who's five bucks? Okay. It's funny to see the grungy-ass ones versus the best ones.

Worst was a dude who didn't speak English or have much respect for personal space. Not that those are neutralized. Had a couple of old janky bottles of cologne and basic ass dial soap with those

stiff brown paper towels. Not to mention the bathroom being all dingy and run down. Like, bro, why are you here? No shit. What a funny question. Maybe you didn't even work there. Just using all the wrong stuff You're like hey

Why don't you dry your hands And he holds up a cinder block You're like dude Dude I know I know that you're just Trying to make it work But I'm not drying my hands

On your cinder block Sounds like a really bad idea Yeah hand you cologne For like breath shit Cologne it's just a Febreze Yeah You're like dude What are you doing here He just gives you Once over Yeah, hand you cologne for like breath shit. Cologne, it's just a Febreze. Yeah. You're like, dude, what are you doing here?

He just gives you once over. I work for tips only. He's a fire extinguisher. You're like, sir, what are you doing here? All right, the best one would pump the fancy foaming soap for you. Hold out a soft, white, cushy towel. Everything except hold your dick. That would have been cool.

Yeah. He had a counter full of luxury colognes, gum, mouthwash, eye drops, loose cigarettes, and all kinds of other shit. Well-lit, pure white bathroom there. That one had a shoe-shining booth by the door, too. I can't imagine getting your shoe shines while someone's taking a shit. Oh, my God, dude. As I'm riding, this fucking ugly-ass cyber truck just pulled up. I also wanted to mention some of my favorite places in Austin.

Hideout Pub for burgers, Tommy Want Wingy. Oh, nice. Tommy Want Wingy for chicken wings and Drought House Pub for brewery and beers. Love you guys. Love the show. Sexy. Sexy. What was I going to say about the... Oh, did I tell you about Mexico that that restaurant I went to about the bathroom being so nice?

No. There was a restaurant we ate at. It's weird. It's a restroom and a restaurant. Restroom. Rest. Restaurant. So we went in that place.

It was so fucking cool. Like the, the restaurant was cool. And then went into the bathroom, walked in and I was like, oh my fucking God. Really? I actually took a video. I'll show you. Like makes you feel weird to pee. You're like, look, am I ruining anything?

Well, no, I, cause there was a guy that was peeing in there and he walked up. I was like, dude, this is fucking nice. Walked up. I was like, sweet dick, dude. Yeah, dude. You're in here too, huh? I could spend. Uh, yeah. He's so, I was like, this place is, bathroom's fucking nice i was like sweet dick dude yeah dude uh you're in here too huh i could spend uh yeah he so i was like this place is bathroom's fucking nice he's like yeah i was like it's nicer than a

lot of restaurants i've been into i was like i think i might just take my food in here and he kind of gave me a little and then he then he went over to wash his hands and leave but i honestly felt like that i was like holy shit this bathroom is nicer than most of the restaurants in Spokane. Yeah. Like, it was, it smelled great. What was it? Marble? Gold?

I'll have to show you. But everything was just, everything was pristine. It was like, fuck. Made you feel like a king. It did. Yeah. And it didn't have stalls. It had rooms.

Oh, yeah. The door you open, there's a fucking... It's your own thought. Your own private room for pooping. Love that. I love that. Those are great. Oh, yeah.

Show me the video. That's good. You ready to wrap things up? Show me the car facts. Show me the car facts. Show me the bathroom facts. Yeah. Believe it when I see it.

You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. That's episode 89. The show keeps going if you support us on Patreon and if you're thinking about doing it

please do head over there you get exclusive merch there's three different tiers add free episodes along with the bonus content and plus you get to talk to us on Patreon

so head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast we got our Instagram our Facebook our YouTube channel if you want to send in a confession

or anything else that email is heyguys at can you don't podcast dot We've got our Instagram, our Facebook, our YouTube channel. You want to send in a confession or anything else that email is, Hey guys, it can, you don't podcast.com rate and review us wherever you listen to podcast. It does help us out a ton, but it's true to check out. Call me uncle Zach's podcast stuff. You're never,

it's never going away. He just, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't,

I can't, I can't, I can't, you're like, okay, that's not helping you. Scatcast.com. The Scatcast universe is absolutely amazing.

How many shows are you doing weekly right now? We have seven right now. Back to seven? Yeah. Oh, boy. Yeah. You dialed it back for a little bit? Yes, we did.

And then here you go. He's doing all that. I'm like, I can't even shoot a video. And he's doing seven podcasts. We got another couple hosts, too. Oh, that helps. That helps. Yeah, so head over to Scat.

He's starting a frigging empire. Empire over there. Scat Empire. Scatcast.com. That is scat with a K. Scatpire. Scatworld. Scatverse.

And then thanks to the babysitters that helped moderate the Candy Don't Playground Facebook page where there's like, I don't know, 25,000 people. So go check that out. All right. I got a little fact for you. Factoid. I had to look it up. I didn't believe it, and it's fucking real.

Alright, Zach. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Did you know there are only two escalators in the entire state of Wyoming? Two escalators? Are they in the same place? Two sets.

So you got an up and a down. Okay. And then another spot you got an up and a down. One's for a horse. Two in the entire state. Can you guess what building they're in? Horse building. The Capitol building.

Capitol, that's a good guess. And would you say a horse building? I don't know. I'm not going to the second floor to fucking ride a horse. It's illegal in some states to have horses on the second level of a building. I don't know i'm not going to the second floor to fucking ride a horse it's illegal in some states to have horses on the second level of a building i don't know why it feels like i feel like wyoming would be one of those two huh right no no my first guess was mall yeah the answer is no no no mall is two stories in wyoming mcdonald's no that's a good guess it's probably a uh an escalator all the way up to the top of Devil's Tower.

That'd be cool. I've been there. It's not that. And you didn't ride the escalator? No. I didn't see it either. They're in Banks. Two fucking escalators?

There's fucking 50 within half a mile. Well, let's be real, though. Of us right here. The population of Wyoming's not that... But even in a city, Idaho has close to the same population. What's the population of Wyoming? Because Idaho's a million.

It's only a few hundred thousand. Because there's not really any big urban... You got Casper and Cheyenne. Oh, so it is 578 000 so 579 000 if we round up that is the population of wyoming they should have more escalators yeah idaho has a million well spokane's surrounding areas is like 500 000 yeah if you spoke in metro if you include if you bend over to cordelaine i mean it gets close to a mill Coeur d'Alene has like 40,000 they

probably have a thousand escalators yeah right exactly see you're getting it the entire state only two I just thought that was those fall how does a horse ride an escalator that's the whole thing right my fucking a horse escalator do you think they have horse escalators that'd be cool that'd be a that's a new

they probably said nay to that though yeah I get it all right let's move on to the bonus shit. If you subscribe on Patreon, if not, we'll see you guys next week. Turn my hat backwards like a switch. I still know you're wearing it. You're going to have to eat it. All right. You guys like over the top? Bye.