Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Flour. Gameboy. Snail. Tickle Bitch.

Episode Date: July 10, 2024

Can you imagine running out to warn others of an incoming storm... and then getting struck by lightning?! Let's talk about that, getting way too angry at youth sporting events, your coworker insisting on tickling you everyday, squirting an interesting concoction on women in order to talk to them, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/GJwiiI4y-rESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Flour, Gameboy, Snail, Tickle Bitch Look at us, little matchy water bottles. You got a little different lid than I do. Yeah. What's the same thing? What's the brammer looking in here? Hydroflask. Hydroflask. Dude, let's... We didn't even know this about each other.

No. I have an Apple sticker on the front of my... Guy doing his... Oh, you... Wow. Looks like... Looks like yours got hit by a car. Yeah.

Like it just got splattered on the road. Yeah. So there's that. There's a little register next to him. Like, don't use that. No one dare take this logo. Like, no, we're set. Yeah, we're good.

We're good. Hide it with Flask. You got a weird-ass logo, dude. Fuck. It is so nice to be feeling a little bit better. Yeah, Mr. COVID pants. Yeah, got me. Got me.

Got him again and it was it just kept going it was like 13 days is that hold on i don't want to lose that in the uh in the music bay go ahead zach yeah gay for covid yay it's back baby we didn't get it you'd think i was just like hanging out in covid dumpsters yeah the amount of times i've had covid he's like what are you rummaging around in the covid dumpster what are you licking like what am i doing you're licking you're over there like playing with tests like covet tests and they're all positive i just don't understand how they work i lick them i'm like i don't know does it say lick it i'm not really supposed to work that's supposed to work it was the lick it or stop licking the dumpster

sounds like my kids dude to my kids, dude. My youngest, when you just walk by and walk away railing and just lick the railing. I'm like, what are you doing? This is Disneyland. This is a problem. Thousands of people have touched that today. Millions. Today, I mean. Oh, yeah. Tens of thousands of just all the hands. Of all

COVIDs. He's like, let me lick it. I'm just going to lick it. So we're back. Sister's burial was fine. There's a lot of thousands of just all the hands of all COVID. And he's like, let me look at, let me look at. So we're back. Uh, sister's burial was fine. There was a lot of family in town. It was good to see family, especially on my mom's side. Like,

uh, they're not from anywhere near here. They're all over in Cleveland. So some, I haven't seen since I was like fucking 12 Cleveland rocks. It does. Uh, so everyone was together.

Burial for my sister was great. Uh, sad as shit, but it had to happen it was it was good it was a nice moment to for everyone to kind of celebrate it and so did they do the very way no she was cremated okay so but it's not a burial then right well they put them in the thing they put them in a little cupboard and move the bowls over and find an open spot push all the like the plastic bowls out of the way that no one uses.

And then just slitter in. No, it was good to say goodbye. I know some people were asking about that, but that's what happened. If you want to sign up, get some additional content, you do that on Patreon. You'll find the link in the episode description. Skatcast! What? Will you explain what's happening more so we don't have to field the fucking emails?

With the cards, cards, cards? Yes! Where are they? We're like, we didn't make them field the fucking emails with the cards cards where are they we're like we don't we didn't make a fuck out we didn't make them we're just talking about it cocking we're talking about it so what you could do it say it about it so if you ordered the vip which most of you guys did thank you so much awesome uh it does take several weeks for the metal card to be finalized so i have i have all the other cards we've got you guys signed a bunch of stuff and hollows and all that drew some pictures drew some pictures but we had to forge the metal card into special mountains of some place and so that takes three four diamonds

that they had to use to make them that's right oh yeah sounds expensive how many people did you have killed a hand in like their death yeah they're very moral here oh yeah yeah you just close your eyes serious goose but i can't wait for you guys to see that metal card excited man super excited we signed more yeah we signed more before we got recording today there's tons of shit so yeah so maybe a penis or two yeah there's a lot of penises on it like a serial killer but yeah give someone something to draw and you're like well of course what are you gonna draw that's what i draw too so i've done 100 doodle cards and they're all penis even girls draw penises that's right they're just funny yeah they are they're funny things okay so yeah thank you for your patience yeah thank you for your patience they're coming soon and we'll all if you join

if you listen to scat cast i'll keep you updated too there okay all right okay great thank you for scat cast there j Jesus. You're going to blow your horn up. Yeah, that sounds like it's going to explode. That sounds like a true elephant over there. Something you want to see. Fuck. God, you're batting 50% on the elephant shit. Yeah.

It's funny, like, if I'm not on camera, I can do it every time. I get all nervous. That's what my dad used to say. Fuck. There we go alright well it's a whole herd of what's a group of elephants flock

if you want to see something on the show you send it in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com so excited to do this excited to show you guys

this one so if you remember we have another can you don't ai original coming your way right now boom uh remember when we had ai right that children's book about me sticking random stuff up my butt yep um i i was able to find the episode and find the lyrics in the whole story oh my god so i took it and i turned it into a song and we're gonna play it for you right now zach you're play it because you have a better connection with stereo sound and shit. You ready?

I mean, I'm ready. Are you ready? Let's do it. I've heard this thing. In a small little town lived a guy named Joe. Curious and lonely and ready for more. He had a special talent. It gave him such a kick, fitting things in his butt.

It was his neat little trick. Joe found a button, shiny and bright. He thought this could fit just right. But it plopped out Go too far away Joe just laughed and said This is kinda gay Oh Joe Joe what a long shoe try

Nothing is safe From his willing brown eye With a laugh and a grin He gives it his best Joe's what adventures Better than the rest A rubber ball was next This will be grand

But it was too big Didn't go as planned With a funny sound It shot across the room Joe just shrugged And started eyeing the broom Oh Joe Joe what won't you try?

Nothing is safe from his willing brown eye. With a laugh and a grin, he gives it his best. Joe's what adventures better than the rest. Joe learned a lesson Not everything will fit And if he tries too hard It will hurt when he sits With friends and laughter He'd always find a way

To have fun and smile Even if it's kind of gay so catchy that'll be on our album, guys. Yay! We're still working on it. We're building the album. Yeah, we're... We're just off of stuff that we've covered in the show. People are waiting for it.

It's like, well, we're just trying to get a little bit of a catalog going first. Yeah. And then we'll get it out. Yeah. We also don't want to just overdo this idea. So every... We got a new one! Check this this one out so we're playing it a little slow but we're gonna have an album it'll be available and it'll touch it'll how much we

want to charge for it a lot like so one download of the album down on six million probably okay that sounds fair i mean you're getting some original shit here yeah this is even someone else is writing it but it takes it takes a long time to come up with something good i'm telling you that who's writing it though we don't know who's writing it i don't know but every time you click the button it's something different yeah that's what my dad used to say yeah 19 things yeah he said a lot he had a lot to say he had a lot to say you know even if it's kind of that was it was like that's just like a catchy Maroon 5-y type pop song. I know.

Shout out to a good friend of mine. And he was like, I want that as my ringtone. Because I love that. Even if it's kind of gay. Right in public. What? What? It is kind of gay.

All right, let's get the show rolling. Let's roll it. Keep rolling. Hey, shut up. Start the show already. All right. What are we doing here, Joe? We got one sent in by our son, Bob, today.

How's Bob doing? Have you talked to him in a bit? He's, you know, just on top of the water. Just kind of. He's bobbing. Just bobbing away. I get it. That's fucking sick. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. coming a bit uh he's you know just on top of the water just kind of he's bobbing just bobbing away yeah i can see uh okay ready for this i'm ready would you rather have a superpower where anytime you touch someone they instantly orgasm oh no that's a problem being a parent yeah yes or be

able to smell where any woman is in their cycle that is within a hundred feet of you. Oh my God. So a third of a football field. A third. Thank you. Now I get it. I was trying to think about how far that was.

So one third of a football field. The first thought that came to my mind when I saw this question was. What is iron? Hmm? Huh? What iron smells like? The first thought that came to my mind When I saw this question was Was iron Huh? What iron smells like? Unrelated question, isn't shark weight going on right now? Yeah 7th through the 13th

Anyway, what were you going to say? Please have lost it No, I got it I got it So, let's say you head to The nursing home and your old granny's in the nursing home. She's just got done with bingo. Or maybe she's heading to bingo.

Maybe she's at bingo. Maybe there's nothing but bingo. Maybe you are going to play bingo with your grandma. Right. That sounds good. Can her name be bingo? It could be. And her dog?

Yeah, bingo was her name-o. Bingo was everyone's name-o. Her name-o! Because that's where I'm going with this. I get it. Yeah! So you sit down next to Grandma, and she's like, oh, Joe! Good to see you.

How have you been? And then puts her shaky little hand out for you to grab her hand, and you're like, gross. Gross. That's the end of it? hold your hand still girl i'm not touching you yeah i can see your veins let's just go play bingo i don't want to touch you you're disgusting anyway so you're like well okay i'll be a nice grandkid she wants to grab my hand but you know what's gonna happen she's gonna come yeah yeah in front of everyone yeah in front of you she's gonna bingo face busting old lady nuts oh my god yes reach out grab her hand and she's just like oh oh dear

oh glad it's always so good to see you joey oh that's what you don't visit me enough no one makes me come like you joey oh play bingo grandma nobody makes me come like you, Joey. Play bingo, grandma! Nobody makes me cum like my little Jojo. My little Joey. Fucking Joey cum hands. Joey cum hands. Joey touch cum. Touch and cum.

And more. Yeah, it's kind of touch and cum from here on out. For a bit. Yeah, but hugging your kids? Yeah. Oh, that sucks. They're not ready for an orgasm. Well, they don't have a choice.

Daddy's proud. Blow that horn, that sucks. They're not ready for an orgasm. Well, they don't have a choice. Daddy's proud. Blow that horn, Zachy. There it is. There it is. All right. Took me a second. Yeah, but just like, I mean, all of that is gone. Like, good job. So proud after like a basketball game.

And you have to just run away to make your kids come. Well, think about not even your kids. Like, think about... Give a high five. So like after a baseball game. Oh my god. You'd only get to do that a couple times before you're in jail. I coach my kids baseball team.

So after the game's over you go to the home plate cheer for the other team, go to the home plate and you high five all the kids like good game, good game, good game. And they all say, GG, GG, GG. And every kid you're slapping, they're just like creaming their pants. Yeah, that sucks. Like a business.

They all run back over their parents with the... Crying? They don't know what happened? He slapped my hand and my pants are wet. GG's. Why are my underwear sticky? I don't't know i don't know what can we talk about this yeah we're not doing it yeah um it does feel right on the line it does feel dirty as fuck so like that and hugging and business deals like shaking a hand like you got a deal there bucko yeah you're like you go into this chinese

company and you're like it's a merger like i will make you six million staplers still stick your hand out the wing chi merger yeah it's a big one this we've been working towards this merger for years the wing dong the wing dong merger the all they're like seven they're all in suits they're all walking in in unison come into the office they're all in suits and then they leave all covered and come

and that's a good day that is a good day that's a hell of a business deal no that sucks everyone's leaving happy and he says superpower immediately that's a fucking nightmare. It's not a superpower. Well, it could be.

No, it's a sad power. But it's a superpower sometimes. Yeah. Like around people you don't want to orgasm, it's a nightmare. Which is most of my life. But if you could just, let's say you go up to, let's say you're single. You walk up to a girl at a bar and you're like, can I buy you a drink or whatever? And she's like, no.

She goes, I don't know. And you're like, can I make you come? Yeah. And you put your hand on her arm, and she just- She reaches her hand out to give the guy a credit card, and you're like, I got it. She slides off the stool. And out the door. Right into your car.

The door was open. Right into the passenger seat bouncers like i see your idea yeah you got it barely touches your hand just a huge seven foot two dude just go ahead go ahead go ahead you're embarrassing me okay. Or be able to smell any woman in their cycle within 100 feet. I don't know the use of that. I don't know either. You're going into menopause. Have a nice day.

See you later. Have a good day. Enjoy your vacation. That's like a dog. They sense when something's wrong. I don't know if I want to be able to. No, I don't. But I also would still like to be able to have a life where not everyone's coming every time I touch them. Oh, that's wrong. Yeah. Like, I don't know if I want to be able. No, I don't. But I also would still like to be able to have a life where not everyone's coming every time I touch them.

Oh, that's true. That's the, I have to think about it. That's the alternative. The alternative is that. The other one is just fucking working in a smelting factory all the time. Zach gets it. Oh, I, I, you know what? I just, I didn't really, until you said that right there, I was just thinking you, like, you can smell and you're like, you know what i just i didn't really until you said that right there

i was just thinking you like you can smell and you like you know where there are but you actually smell period blood yeah yeah got it and that's pretty cool um you're just in a crowd of people and you smell like uh thousands of murders yeah especially if they're all synced up no what what are the chances you're walking around you're like that's crazy they're all synced up no what what are the chances you're walking around you're like that's crazy they're all in fucking day four you're like the chance they're actually pretty good because i know when all i know yeah when they're all cycling i don't see the power in being able to tell where anyone's like there's no good in that like what are you gonna do with that information?

But it's better than making everyone I touch cum. Isn't it? So I got to pick it. Yeah, I feel like this is one of those questions where it's like, remember when the Trump thing, when he was running the first time and everybody was like,

oh, it's the better of, like, I don't want to vote for him, but so I'll vote for the other person, for Hillary or whatever it was. Yeah, the best of two evils type of thing. That's what it feels like. So I think I'd rather just smell the periods. Because...

That's what my dad used to say. Yeah. He'd be like, listen, Joe, if you ever have a chance to just smell periods, pick that. And I was like, you got it. And then he died. 20 things. Yeah. died. 20 things. Yeah. He said a lot.

But there's no way everyone I touch. You got kids, dude. Yeah, but I mean. And having sex. The last thing you want to do is just be like, no touchy. Like, do you want to come? Yes. Well, that's pretty sweet, though.

No, it's not. It's going to be annoying. No touchies for sex unless like. Well, they're just orgasming the whole time. And you're like a magic man. Yeah. Yeah. You might have some fun that way, but you can't just be touched.

You'd kill them. That's yeah. Like the whole time you're making out and sexing and there is coming 400 times. Is that like, you can't die from too much weed. You can't die from too much. I think you could come and probably hate it. I'm not sure everyone would like that. No, you wouldn't.

I mean, I wouldn't want to just be nonstop coming. Well, that's the whole thing. You know, when you like, you know, when you get high or drunk, that, that phase, that euphoric phase where it's like, Ooh, this is fun. This is the time. It's that's fun. Like, but you wouldn't want to feel that all the time. It'd be a bit much.

It's just like, Whoa, that's just too constant. So, you know? Yeah. I think I'm just going to smell stuff. Smell some blood. I think I'll do that too. Zach? Yeah. Okay. Just the blood. Okay. Well, thanks, Bob. That was fun. like whoa that's just too constant so you know yeah i think i i'm just gonna smell stuff smell some i think i'll do that too zach yeah okay okay well thanks bob that was fun and now i'm kind of grossed out yeah a little bit all right what are you thinking about let's roll it hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know

what i'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Well, speaking of little kids. All right. Yeah! Go ahead. Speaking of slapping little kids' asses. Yeah. You never said that.

Why are you saying that now? I don't know. I was thinking it the whole time, I guess. Okay, cool. Boo-woo-woo. Yeah. So we recently up here had Ho fest oh nice yeah i missed it because my sister did yeah go ahead anybody that doesn't know what that is it's the biggest three on three basketball tournament in the world that's what they say fuck that i'm not going

around have you seen a bigger one no i've not i've seen a lot bigger cities, though. I'll tell you what. A lot bigger cities. That's not what the claim is, the biggest city. I'm just saying. We could probably get a few more people out in L.A. if they really tried. I mean, they got two-on-two and one-on-one, too. So I don't know what's going on at this three-on-three basketball tournament. They counting the one-on-ones as three-on-threes?

That's their cheating. I don't trust this place. Shit. New York City's got 10 million people. Come on. Spokane invented Father's Day. We did. And the suction goat. Yeah. That's a true fact, everyone. You're like, what?

Spokane started it. Somebody was just sick of some mom getting all the praise. I'm doing stuff. That sounds about right for here. Sounds about right for dudes. Yeah. You're getting all the credit. I'm doing stuff. That sounds about right for here. Sounds about right for dudes. Yeah. You're getting all the credit. I'm doing stuff. I'm working long days. I picked the kids up once.

I need some new socks. Let's do Father's Day. Yeah. I need a tie. I need another tie. Okay, go back to you. So three-on-three basketball tournament. Biggest in the world.

Biggest in the world. Yeah. Allegedly. Undisputed. We had my oldest played for his first time this year. Not impressed. He wasn't impressed or you weren't? He wasn't.

I mean. Did he let you down? Yeah, they lost three games. They didn't win a single game. Of course they didn't win a single game. Of course they didn't. But to their defense, he's a baseball kid, and he's a good athlete, but he's just getting into basketball. So just understanding basketball IQ. And then the rest of the kids, they'd never played too fast or three-on-three anything before. So it was destined.

I knew it was going to happen. It was a disaster. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, that's not what's important here what's important here is just like i i cannot stress like it's it's crazy to me that youth sports is where it is right now for For you, yes. Your kids are doing youth sports. Youth sports. Well, just like in general, the way that parents are at youth sports is insane to me.

It's something switches where there are parents ready to kill, flat out murder a 13 year old who volunteered yes yeah i guess because they spent 20 grand for the fucking season and all the camps and all the shit or could have been i i mean i can i can relate my kids especially pepper in basketball all those tournaments it's like just just get there's basketball is a very popular sport can you bring in somebody who knows what the fuck's going on they probably don't want to do it because they know what's going to happen what do they got just got out of prison like this is like what are they doing there it changes everything in youth sports when you have a ref that knows what's going on sure for basketball or umpire right that oh what'd you say fuck for

the rv place is calling oh do you want to pick it up i have to pick it up they got a gig or what no it's just he has to do some rv stuff guys life just gets in the way can we pause no just go i'll talk to him hello hey yeah hey oh hey Hey That's cool So I'm just gonna talk Into the microphone In case it's something personal He's like What's your credit card number?

Do you have a social media number? Do you have an address? Go ahead You're fine Oh Jesus Brian Damn it I don't

We What? We gotta pause This is fun though You can just leave I don't I don't have my wallet with me. Can I call you right back?

And I'll have my wife send me a picture of the car. They just sell the RV. They're like, fuck them. They're like, fuck them. I was recording. Get rid of it. Muffler, schmuffler. It's your problem now.

I'll get that and I'll call you right back. It's your fault for getting an RV from 1977, buddy. Yeah. I knew this was gonna happen it's okay no everyone's okay um we're all gonna make it all right let's make it to the next the next segment and then you can call this guy back okay does that sound good yeah okay we're almost there all right but having good umpires and a good referee in children in this sport like just at least make it just do the rules that's it but when you start

fucking up the basic rules of the game i've been i've been in the crowd like not crazy just being like travel like especially after they just call it travel on a fucking nine-year-old well consistency i think yes what you're trying to say like it could be bad or you can bend them a little long as it's consistent right the one kid that we had was like, I get it, but I wasn't yelling at him, but I get it. He would call something and then the next day he'd call double dribble and his kids are eight. Yeah. And then another kid he wouldn't call it on. He'd be like, come on.

Just call it. But then the other coach would be like, that's a travel. And then he would go, he'd panic and blow his little whistle. And then 10 seconds later, he'd be like, travel. Yeah. And then he wouldn't say it. It's been in three different people's hands since you fucking blew your whistle. But he wouldn't say it loud.

Yeah. So all the parents are like, what happened? And then he wouldn't say like, he wouldn't say, oh, he traveled a lot, so everyone understands. So then other team gets the ball and everyone's like, what's going on? So, I mean, I get it. I do get it. But when parents start, like, fighting each other, I watched a couple parents almost come to blows. They were just in the, watching their kids.

And they almost fought each other. And the problem that I have with that is that they're doing it right in front of their kids. Yeah, despecting. And they almost fought each other. And the problem that I have with that is that they're doing it right in front of their kids. And if we're supposed to, if we're doing youth sports, we're supposed to like set good examples. At least knock someone out. Yeah. I mean, don't just yell about it. Go punch somebody. Right.

If you're going to finish the job. Yeah. Is basically what. Yeah. You know dad's got your back when the other dad's knocked out on the concrete. Right. Yeah. That's what my dad is.

21 things. God. He's a smart guy it's such a shame fucking full of wisdom just kept bloviating the whole time uh no but it's like it's i don't i i get it but so when the parents start yelling at the referees or umpires or whatever then the kids feel like they can do it so then the kids are out there. Or it shuts them down. They're just scared. It's like, why are the parents yelling? It changes the whole mood of the game. The game that I was just coaching, we just had our first game last week. And the kids, this umpire is just a volunteer.

He's out there. He's making like 50 bucks. And the kids, they're eight years old old and they were like, come on. Oh, yeah. That's a strike and all this. And the coach on the other team wasn't saying anything. And so I finally had to turn to him. I had to say something to him.

Like, guys, come on. Like, he's trying. Yeah, let him do the game thing. Because like I used to, I used to umpire when I was in high school and it was terrifying. I was like sick to my stomach all day because I knew I was going to have to deal with parents. I was umpiring their seven and eight year old baseball. Like your kid is not,

this is you. It's like, they're just learning how to play fucking calm down. I know. I know. The older you get, like when it gets into high school, I get it.

It's like a little bit more important, but still it's like, yeah, that kid trying to go to college or whatever but i don't know like my dad was a referee too so like i saw a lot of it so you just like i can feel it yeah like when you're especially like a basketball referee the fans are right on top of you and this poor kid is standing there with this bill over his head and his whistle in his mouth and you could see him like looking at the corner of his eye when something would happen like he was terrified well to be there first of all take your hat off

and maybe you see what's happening out there yeah or were you saying you felt bad for him yeah i felt bad for him he'd be better if he had his fucking head up. So I was frustrated with him because he was doing a terrible job. But then I felt for him because everyone was yelling at him. So like, I got it, but I get it. Especially at the alleged world's biggest three-on-three basketball tournament. Right. In beautiful Spokane. Washington.

But again, our kids were eight. I know. They're second graders. I know. I get it. I get it. But it is tough when you know all the rules and they don't apply the rules that sucks yeah but they are volunteers they're not getting paid i'm not gonna punch somebody they're they're just it's a 16 year old probably

like a 14 15 year old kid his mom dropped him off to volunteer oh man okay so this is a fun one i have some examples of imagine if you'd get mad in this situation. Because this is a grown-ass man teaching or like coaching an AAU basketball game, right, for Pepper. And he kept on calling that our players were throwing the ball in bounds. But it was a wide baseline, right? So it's not the whole baseline. Like it's if your foot's in the court. And they kept on blowing the whistle.

It was like four times of saying that they had their foot inside the court. And when the, the period ended or the quarter ended, I walked over and I was like, this is not, this is not in bounds. I was like, the baseline is huge.

You, you want to stand against the fucking wall and throw the ball in. And he's like, no, their foot can't be on the line. I was like, no, you're going the wrong way.

When you're out of bounds, you can, if you're playing in the court and you step on it then you're out of bounds he goes i don't know about that i was like i do know i was like i don't know about that i was like i was like you should because you're right because i do because i mean i know and i'm just sitting over here that's not the legal guy and he looked it up and he came over later and apologized he He goes, no, you're right. You're right, sorry. Did you slap him? No, I said, it's fine.

I was like, it's fine, but that's why it's that wide. If you touch it from the inside, you're out. Outside in, that's not illegal. You get to step all over that black paint as much as you want. As long as your foot doesn't go under the cord. He goes, yeah, no, I got that now. And then he started blowing it a bunch on the other team even it out yeah i was like makeup calls and i remember like what you're talking about in little league and this was literally literally not even like all-star

little league so not traveling to tournaments but just normal little league in a town and kids picking their nose in the outfit yeah and i felt and and you know i just i had an understanding of the game at that point a lot more than my peers so i just realized that if you hit the ball and it was going like in the in the gap just don't stop running because they're fucking terrible yeah so in this particular situation hit it in the gap and just kept running and they finally got it in i was coming around third and uh they threw it to the catcher and the catcher got it before i was coming around third and uh they threw it to the catcher and the catcher got it before i was there right and i slid in he put his glove down and the the yelp was like yeah right and the dad of this kid was like we got you joe we got you out

and i'm sitting there and i slid in and i kicked the ball out of his mitt so i can see it rolling through the dust right he goes He goes, we got you! Because there was this kid that was the catcher. And I look at it, I was like, what are you screaming at? And I walked over and kicked the ball that was over by the gate. And the ref was like, safe! Or the umpire was like, safe! And he's like, gah!

He had nothing to say. But he was screaming at me. How old were you? Like, probably 11, 12. We got you, Joe! You're out! Like, screaming through the backdrop. And, you, Joe! You're out! Like screaming through the backdrop.

And he's screaming at me, and I watched the ball, and I went over there, and I just kicked it. I just kicked it, and I was like, no, I'm not. You should have picked it up and popped it off your bicep. Over the gate to him? Yeah. I was like, here you go, buddy. I got to ask this question, Joe. Yeah?

How many records did you set in that season i don't know i don't know i don't know if they took little leagues and or records in little league i remember i had like 27 home runs yeah when i was 12 fucking guy yeah just you know what my favorite one month little league season yep my favorite thing to do ever is to talk trash to kids though well when you're a coach well just in just in general. You fucking suck! Well, so that these kids were talking, they were talking trash the same game to the umpire and then to our kids, they were like,

oh, and we were winning. Scoreboard kid. You know, they're like, do it again, he'll swing at it. And I look over and the kid's got like eye black down his face, that whole look like he thinks he's something. Yeah, drug it down yeah so my my son was up and the kid they they have a loose strike zone so he's calling strikes wide so my son starts swinging at pitches that would do it normally swing at

so he missed two of them and then the kid was like do it again he'll swing at it and um i was like i just looked over at him and I was thinking like, I was thinking, Miles, hit it to him. Next pitch, he hits a line drive right to the kid, gets past him.

And then I was, and then he ran, I think he ran to second or whatever. Oh, he'll swing again. And then I know I looked over him and I was like, kind of quiet out there now

or something. I forget what I said. But I was like, it's kind of quiet for someone who's running their mouth or what. I was like, God.

And then he didn't say another word the whole time i bet it was so satisfying god i feel good it is good no parents going crazy i mean i've definitely lost it like tight tight close game and they're fucking up obvious stuff it's like god yeah like not like crazy scream and fight people but just like I'm watching it. Mm-hmm. Oh that wasn't it That was the you called three three seconds in the key on pepper cuz she's huge Mm-hmm, but the other kid just goes and lays down in the key for ten minutes and they're like nothing I guess what where I have her stands out cuz she's tall where I'm coming from is like what good does that? What good does it do for parents to yell sometimes it fixes it at an official like in front of their kids really what does it nothing because it the the guys that he

still it's what he thinks he's still gonna suck he's yeah he's still doing the job the way he's doing it and then all it's all that's doing is like the kids are seeing that and then they're doing it. And if you, I'm telling you, if you have a good point and like when, you know, cause in basketball, they have two refs and they switch. So one runs deep and like takes the baseline. Right. And the other ref that's the baseline before they transition becomes like half court. And if you sit right there and you have a valid point it sometimes works like not screaming at him

Yeah, yeah, or like just letting him know I was like, yeah, that wasn't that wasn't the travel and they're like They're like, yeah, they'll say something they'll do it again. I'm like that wasn't the travel I was like just I was like go look it up. I was like just go look it up as they stand there Well, that's see that go look at that's fine. Yeah, it's the guys that want to get up and like attack the referee I see videos of that all the time. Some guy running down on the stands and plowing over a referee and start punching him. Yeah. What the fuck, dude?

I don't have that in me. But I will, if I have, there's decent points. I will just throw a little something in their ear. I get it. When they run up the court. If it makes sense to fix. So in that same game, one of my kids hits it to the outfield, and he runs, he legs out a double, slides in, and the throw beat him there, but he slid in,

and the kid didn't tag him. So it was a double. And the umpire goes, he went like, He's out! I just punched him out. And I was like, I just stood there. Too slow! I just put my hand out. I was like, what? And all the kids punched him out and I was like I just stood there I just put my hand out I was like

what and all the kids ran off and I was like Blue that's not a force out yeah he's got a he was laying at a double

he's got a tag on and he goes oh yeah you're right and he goes and he goes to the other team he's like

alright come on back out but I didn't like you fucking idiot yeah if you come with a good point yeah yeah I was just like Blue and I explained what happened and he was like oh shit you're right yeah but like it's so easy to

want to go you fucking idiot you know i mean like but you don't have to do that because it was a fucking idiot call it was but like how does that how does it help to just go fucking ballistic on someone oh i don't know it feels. Makes you feel like a big man. Yeah, you're a big man wearing a tank top yelling at a seven-year-old. I was wearing a tank top. Of course you were. But I spoke to him reasonably. I didn't yell at him.

I know. I get it. I get it. All right. Let's move off to Dick. All right. Just fucking chill out, parents. Everybody calm down.

You too. No. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Just fucking chill out, parents. Everybody calm down! You too. No! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick.

Alright, we got your muffler out of the way. Yeah. Feeling good. Taking care of. Fucking tight and twerked and whatever. We had to replace muffler terms on both our mufflers on our RV. That's two? Yeah. Oh yeah, it does.

Alright, let's do some dick. Okay. This i mean obviously sad someone died right yeah the irony is too much but how they died man still be funny man killed by lightning strike on beach while warning others of incoming storm no No. Sacrificial lamb. God. And my brain just wants it to happen in a way it didn't. But here we go. A man died after being struck by lightning on a New Jersey beach Sunday while trying to warn other beachgoers of an incoming storm. Patrick Despato, 59, was at Seaside Park Beach with his girlfriend, but returned to his truck when they realized a storm was approaching. His girlfriend told police she waited in the truck while Despado went back to the beach

to warn others that a storm was coming. Did you guys just forget you put two of the same sentences in a row? Every time, man. God, I'm reading it. Plus, you left out Police Sergeant Andrew Casoli from WGBT News, West Seattle. Don't worry, they'll mention it six more times. They'll be like, and remember this guy? He was there.

Exclusive report. I feel like it's Despoto too, because he's from Jersey, so it's probably Italian. Despoto. I feel like you got to say it, not Despoto, but Despoto. Despoto, yeah. Okay. For my own personal. Mm-hmm.

Okay. He said, I'll be right back. I'll be back. And then girlfriend said, you have no business going back. And he says, I'm just going to warn these kids because the sky is going to open. I'm just going to warn these kids. One minute. I said, no.

Ruth Fussell, who identified herself as Despoto's girlfriend, told CNN affiliate WABC. Wabsy. Wabka. Fussell said she called Despoto three times, but he didn't respond. She knew. I got struck by lightning. Of course he didn't fucking respond.

His phone was charged. You get it. Yeah. And she waited about 15 minutes for his return. She eventually went back to the beach beach where she found Despoto unconscious. Emergency responders. If I'm not back in 15 minutes. If I'm not back in 15 minutes.

Just wait longer. Emergency responders performed CPR on Despoto and he was taken to a hospital where he was later pronounced dead. Police said Despoto died by an accidental death caused by lightning strike. Is there a purposeful death by lightning strike? I think he was trying to do this. I mean, maybe. It was completely an accident.

This is a complete accident with that lightning strike. Foul play. Foul play. Foul play involved. I think he was trying to get out of that relationship. Did you hear the way she talked to him? No, you're not. You stay here. You stay right here with me. I'm the boss.

You have no business going out there to save kids. He went over there and he was looking up at the sky. Give me cancer now, God. Days after Despoto's death, Seaside Park installed a lightning warning system. Well, that's more impact than a lot of us have. Did they name it the Despoto lightning Lightning Rod? Dispoto Rod? The Dispoto Rod, yeah. Dis-ro-do. But picturing

this, this guy was like, babe, I'm not going to do anything stupid. Yeah, God. And then he's like, I'll be right back. And then he jumps out of the car, goes in the back of his truck, and pulls out a flag that says lightning coming with a huge metal rod. It's like the slow motion, like in the

patriot running with the flag back it's just metal rod that says lightning's coming and he runs out to the beach and he's waving it hey and the kids are just like just dancing hey like yeah and he's like i gotta be higher they don't see me and he starts piling up fucking sand. Dude, as high as he can with his metal fucking lightnings coming. Can you see me now? Guys! And then the music's just like, they're like, did you guys hear that? Yeah. Turn it up.

Just fucking slamming a Jersey dog or whatever they have over there. It's so far away from us. What are they doing over there? What are they doing away from us. What are they doing over there? What are they doing on the Jersey? What are they doing? On the Jersey? They could have

so many things out there. They have abs, no shirts, tan skin. Really good pizza. Really good pizza. Lightning, apparently. But I think that's it.

That's all I know about New Jersey. Casinos? Situation, yeah. Is that where Atlantic's Atlantic is? Atlantic City, yeah. What's Atlantic City Yeah

Never been Heard it's the Beautifullest time of year Yeah But he's just Fucking Just Sometimes it sucks

To try to be the hero You know what I mean And he was doing his best His girlfriend was like No And he's like I have to I think that's the worst

Part of it Is she was like Please don't go I'll do anything This won't end well He's like I'm just telling him That it's fine Like please don't go. I'll do anything. This won't end well. He's like, I'm just telling him that it's fine. Like, I don't want anything to happen to them. I don't want anything to happen to them.

I'll be right back. That's the last thing you, aren't those the worst last words? I'll be right back. Yeah. Or hold my beer. Watch this. Yeah. Or, uh, let's roll.

Isn't that the 9-11 one? Let's roll. Yeah, that's a good one Or, no, I'll handle this, I have brain cancer That's what my dad used to always say He's like, I'm gonna die anyway So let me warn these kids of oncoming Give me the highest metal pole you have Just take a wooden pole

He didn't say he took a metal one I guess I'm picturing this happening in a way it never happened Yeah Babe I'm gonna be fine As you're like screwing your metal pole together Squeak squeak Jesus He's holding the

He's holding the lightning's coming Flag and he's It's gonna be fine The little push thing on the He's extending flag it's gonna be fine the little push thing on the on the mic he's extending it like a tripod babe it's gonna be fine babe no yes what's the worst that could happen what's the worst that could happen takes the flag out of his mouth and hooks it up i'll be right back okay and he's fucking runs away with a 15 foot metal pole it's like a like a guy with a javelin yeah babe i'll be right back okay and he's fucking runs away with a 15 foot metal pole it's like a like a guy with a

javelin yeah babe i'll be right back they're trying to talk they can't hear each other because in the background babe i'll be right back these kids don't know it's coming i don't want you to go thanks for understanding you want me to go yeah hot new mix Brand new Lightning storm banger Brand new banger Brand new banger Did you see the video of those Three kids get struck by lightning

No Zach did you see it No I don't spend my time on snuff sites They're on a beach I think they all lived They were on a beach I don't know where it was snuff sites. They're on a beach. I think they all lived. They were on a beach. I don't know where it was.

It was this guy and his two kids. But there was a storm and the kids huddled together because it was like, I think it was raining, it was cold. So they all huddled together. Lightning hits them and they all three just go, plop. They fall back. They fall straight back. But like, peeled like a banana, just peeled out.

Like they were together and then, qu and then like they're doing a dance and it wasn't like they got hit and it was like oh it was like they fell flat backwards just back right in the sand they didn't live either no i think they did okay that's why i brought it up yeah that's why i kind of laughed about a little bit yeah that'd be a total bummer if you're like, yeah, they blew up. Yeah, they were 12 years old. Back to you, Joe. Take it from here. Take it away. Take it away.

Can't. Can't. Help. Help. Help. Can't continue show. Brian fucked it. Help.

There's a lot of kid talk in this show. Yeah, no. You start talking about butts and weirded everyone out. All right, you want to take the next story? Back to you. Oh, I'm the asshole all right back to you take it from here brian okay let's see this will fucking load what look at my screen look at this doing okay take it a peek oh nice i'll take it what is happening i don know. Want me to read it? Well, the headline, man fined for squirting mixture of urine and flour onto woman's dress to try to chatter up.

Oh, there it is. Whoops. It just loaded. Look at that. Dang, man. Look at that mug. I do have sympathy for, I don't know, introverts, people who just don't have the social skills. Where eventually you come up with a plan to squirt your piss mixed with flour onto girls.

Just so you have something to talk about. It's quite a cocktail. Just so you have something to talk about. What? He's like, I've got nothing. He goes, he's crossing shit off his list. He's like, I've tried the weather. I've tried pooping in their shoes.

All my hobbies are stupid. All my hobbies are nothing. No women care about Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah, D&D didn't land. D&D didn't land. Pooping in front of women talking about D&D didn't land. By George, I think I've got it. Jerking off and talking about D&D doesn't work.

I got it. I'm going to piss in some flour and squirt it on women's dresses. Ah! You've done it. You've done it. You'm going to piss in some flour and squirt it on women's dresses. Ah! You've done it! You've done it! You've figured it out! Okay, go ahead. Now that I love you guys.

This website is called Asia One. I thought it said Asian One at first. That's kind of hot. Wow, they're just like, they don't care. Yeah. Anyway. Got it. Because this guy is Asian.

Singapore! Tan Won Howe, a 31-year-old Malaysian, was fined $1,200 Yeah. Anyway. Got it. Because this guy is Asian. Yeah. Singapore. Tan Won Howe, a 31-year-old Malaysian, was fined $1,200 after he pleaded guilty to using criminal force on the woman. There's got to be a different category besides criminal force. Oh. That sounds like a punch. The story, the person who took this photo was The Straits Times. Okay.

Thank you. I thought it was called The Straits Times. Okay, thank you. I thought it was called The Straight Times. Thank you. Okay, now I get it. Okay. Okay. By Shafiq Al-Khatib. Singapore. Wanting to talk to women, a man hatched a plan to soil their clothes with a mixture

of his urine and flour so that he could have an opportunity to break the ice between them and him. Talk about a yeast infection. Oh, yeah! It's like, it's like, don't women want to smell like musk? Like, doesn't that turn on to smell of man?

Like a piss cake? Yeah. What woman doesn't want to smell like a fucking piss cake? That's something to talk about. I'm going to do it. Excuse me, ma'am. You smell like a piss cake.

A what? A piss cake. And I'm in. And? Thanks for the conversation. Gosh. Excuse me, man. He's like a piss cake. A what? A piss cake. And I'm in. Thanks for the conversation. Gosh dang, man. All right. All right.

Okay. This is what he did. He followed a 26-year-old woman as she was going up an escalator from Nicole Highway MRT station at around 8.30pm on April 9th. He then squirted the mixture which she had earlier mixed in a small plastic bottle on her dress as she was walking along a nearby overhead bridge. This is the best. Okay, go ahead.

Instead of stopping to talk to the woman after that, he walked past her. Abort! He's like, yeah. She doesn't like piss cake. She didn't like piss cake she didn't like that she didn't like that i love it she freaked out what that's weird that's weird it's piss and flour and this is what every woman wants this is what they want she initially thought that mixture was a bird droppings due to its smell and the stain grew bigger and when she tried to wipe it off with tissue paper. Deputy Public Prosecutor Yapjia Jun said

the accused intended to squirt the mixture on the clothes of ladies, especially young ladies, wearing dark colored bottoms. And then alert them that their clothes had been dirtied. Excuse me, ma'am. Excuse me, ma'am. You've got piss and flour. Sorry to bother you. It looks like you definitely got piss and flour like so does it exactly bother you it looks like you definitely have piss and flour on your dark pants with your brunette hair and your blue eyes how do you know what it was i just got a keen eye for this stuff you're not gonna believe this this happened to me just last week i was just walking all of a sudden i was like piss and flour

piss cake i did the same thing i thought the same thing. I thought it was birds. It turns out it was me. I did just like you. I did the same thing. Yeah. It turns out it was me. Hey, me. Hey, me.

It's me again. Squirting flour and piss on pants. Oh, you keep on walking. I'm going to jerk off a lonely home. No one likes piss on flower pants. I'm going to try a new mixture. And you're going to like it next

time. Have a good day. That's the first time you did that. The women will talk to me eventually. All right. Boy, I'd play with myself. All right, Dave, let's get back to the story. Okay.

We must stay on track. All right. He wanted to create opportunities for him to talk to these ladies. Yeah, we got it. Tan admitted that he'd done the same to two other unknown victims. He'd also prepared red dye at home, which he intended to mix into liquid. Said, oh, no. Is he going to say it's like their other period?

Excuse me. You've got period blood on your pants. Right. Let's get that with some piss and cake. Let's talk about it. I'm glad he had some discretion and toned it down. to say it's like their other period excuse me you've got period blood in your pants right let's let's get that with some piss and cake let's talk about it i'm glad he had some discretion and toned it down let's talk about let's talk about it tonight over dinner at 7 30 you know you have a cocktail to get to get out of to get blood out of your underwear and pants it's piss and it's Piss and flour without red dye. Court documents did not state how the authorities managed to track Tan down before he was caught. Probably just walking around with a bottle of fucking piss and flour.

Excuse me, sir. What's in your bottle? Cake. Period. Cake. What? Pound cake. Have a good day. Oh, this old pig. What? Pound cake. Have a good day.

Oh, this whole thing. Put your hands behind your back. This whole thing. Oh, it's nothing. It's water. But he doesn't look. He's like, look, would I do this if it wasn't water? Scorch.

Damn, this is salty water. What flavor of Gatorade is this? Urinate. Hey, we fucking going? Yeah. All right. Well. So don't do that there's a different but it said like he was trying to come up with like a reason to uh like have conversation with people he does he's like okay stop we've heard this one they're like what he goes squirts the water bottle on their pants okay i know well stop me you've already heard this one

he goes there's like oh you got something there yeah you got something there a little something on the end they're like they're just so confused he goes okay so we're onto something you have a new story a new chapter for your life it's called my fucking piss cake i love how you're right in front of someone you do that and they're like and then he's like all right now we have that out of the way, you come around here often? What's your favorite food? You live around here often?

What? Do you live around here often? Squirt flower piss on them? Have a good day. And then just panic and run away? Very confusing. Make them come to you. That seems like a Seattle thing.

I don't know why it sounds like a seattle thing or a china or a china or portland yeah it's their portland seattle singapore thing yeah yeah all right let's do some petty beef okay all right hey zach will you fucking silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Petty Beef.

Petty Beef. This is Petty Beef. Sent in by our super serious daughter, Ash. Super serious. Who writes? I work as a lab tech for a nutrition company, and I've been working here for over a year, so I'm still learning a lot of new things.

Because I work in a lab for a large corporation, I'm usually very serious, take my job seriously, and work appropriately. My office is very small, and on a daily basis, I work directly with only one other person, not including my boss. My coworker is double my age and has been here for over 30 years. The way I just read that, my coworker is double my age and has been.

He's always been double my age. It doesn't matter how old I am. I turn 24 and he's fucking 48. He just magically goes. He's been fucking twice the football fields. I've never met an adult so childish in a setting so adult. I won't go into all the details I dislike about this person. Please do, though.

One thing I wanted to ask, though, on Petty Beef, if it fits there. A couple times a month, at least, this grown woman, old enough to be my mother, says out loud how much she wants to tickle me because I'm too serious. Come here. Tickle, he wants to tickle me because i'm too serious come here she's like come on play with me no i'm trying to work and do my job i'm doing both our jobs come here I'm doing both our jobs Come here Tickle tickle tickle Give me that little chin He says Okay Tickle me because I'm too serious

I don't like to be touched I'm a hugger Absolutely With people I trust And care for Not my weird old Co-worker Who forgets

Had a two or thirty plus Year old job On the weekly What we do Is very repetitive Extremely repetitive I like it because I can pop in my earbud and listen to you dumbasses

all day instead of her. Fair. But I get really angry when she says shit like that because why wouldn't I be serious? I'm at a job. I'm not getting paid to laugh. I'm very much a silly person around friends and family, but at work I'm there to work. So I guess what I'm saying is, should I let her tickle me once

in a while? Yes. Fine. And it says, lol, JK. That is not going to happen. But I think it'd be hilarious to hear you guys talk about it. Thanks for all you do. Always.

Ash from Wisconsin. 9253 West Tickle Street. I added that. I say get a tickle and fill it. I really hope Wisconsin doesn't have that address on Tickle Street. I added that. Get a tickle and fill it. I really hope Wisconsin doesn't have that address on Tickle Street. Someone's house. Everyone just goes there. Let's look up the address. Okay, well I doubt Tickle Street

exists. Are you kidding me? You tickling me? It'll be in England. Yeah, that's where that is. It's on Dork Avenue. And I have... I mean, there's a lot. There's a lot to really unpack here. There's a lot to unpack here.

In the sense that I think the workplace needs silliness. Or else, fuck going to work. She likes it. She seems like she likes the distance. Just doing the job. Gets the space out and just get things done.

Get a paycheck and that's fine. i would never be able to do that i wouldn't want some creepy co-worker asking to tickle me but i would also i would be smiling and being a i would be the jackass like i'd be doing my job and all that fun but i wanted like i gotta be able to be me and but being her is not smiling and just sitting there the other co-workers sounds like me like just like it's like come on like come on let's have a little fun come on come on let me touch you a little bit as you bite the top of your pop can yeah that's the introduction that's the that's how you get people to be like, whoa, this guy's nuts. Better than cum and flour. It was just piss, Zach. Oh, yeah, piss and flour.

Sorry. If he didn't get caught, the next mixture was going to be cum and flour. Yeah. That's called the Bill Clinton. Hey-o. Whoa. Clinton cakes. Clinton muffins.

Clinton to go. I don't know What are your thoughts? Well you're the same as me You'd be the You'd be You want to have fun at work Yeah but I wouldn't I wouldn't

Yeah That's why we work for ourselves That's That's true And where the places I worked Luckily Well The

The funnest The funnest time I ever had work Was when I worked with people Who were Also like to have fun Yeah But we worked Like had work was when I worked with people who were also like to have fun. Yeah. But we worked, like when it was time to work. Yeah, everyone buckled in and got it done.

Yeah. Yeah. But, so I get that sentiment of like wanting to have fun. But if you, you want to have fun with people you want to have fun with. If it's some old lady that you don't like and she wants to have fun with you, like, I don't know. She wants to tickle you? Yeah, like I don't know have fun with you like i don't know tickle you yeah like i don't know how to and openly says can i tickle you yeah don't it's kind of kind of weird that is weird so i've never requested to be like you're too serious can i tickle you she said but this gal sounds like she's like she's fine with going to work and she's popping outside yeah so she gets her she gets her fun she's not complaining about her

job she sounds like she's like she's fine with her job she's serious and so that's great so she but that would be frustrating to have some feel like you're doing all the work and the person you're working with is just fucking off the whole time yeah i mean here's what she could do she could get some scotch tape and just tape it to her face like this. So she's like always kind of. Like the Joker. I'm happy. Maybe draw a little Joker face on.

Just tape this part together. Like, no, I'm, what? I don't need tickles. Get some Botox so your eyes are always up. Always surprised. Yeah. That's fantastic. Don't tickle me.

Yeah, no tickles. You're not wrong for not wanting to get tickled uh but you i mean a little understanding that having someone that is just all business sitting across from you when her attitude is maybe not all business it's gotta be a little middle ground somewhere it doesn't involve tickling so since you since you just said that i feel like i have to say something to that uh to her point when she's like when you're at work, we're working you're working so to me if I like just my my thought is like even though I'm a silly goofy guy if you were to take that to say a judge or something and they're like like to us and They're like well you have to choose one side

It's like are we here to be goofy and silly? Or are we here to work? Like, you're there to work So, I feel like this woman has more of a case Yeah Because she's just there to work She wants to work and not goof off And all the other one wants to do is just like

You know, like Yeah You know, and she's twice your age So she'll retire soon Yeah, she's just maybe on her way out And this girl's like, well, maybe I'm trying to move up Or do something I don't know, and she's twice your age, so she'll retire soon. Yeah, she's just maybe on her way out. And this girl's like, well, maybe I'm trying to move up or do something. I don't know. Maybe she's not.

Quit bugging me. Let her tickle you on the last day. The very last day, and then she retires. Or maybe once a day. Tickle me, kink. I was going to make that joke earlier. If you maybe, or if you want to find some middle ground, maybe you're like, you get one tickle a day. A day?

Just randomly where she just like, maybe she comes up behind her and she's like, and she's like, okay, that's it. Go to work. Yep. Oh my God, that was so funny. Go to work. And then she gets, she has to ride that fucking dopamine rush for the rest of the day. A little tickle dopamine? Yeah.

See, I got her. I got her. She's happy. I know she is inside. But Ashley, no, you're fine. You're there to work. You're doing a job. That's the job you want to have.

Maybe the other one needs to go do a clown job like we have. Yeah. That sounds like that's what she, because that's, you know, I didn't, I hated being at a job and just like trying to focus all day. All seriousness. All I could do was think about doing my own thing. Tickle people? Mm-hmm. Well, tickle people with laughs.

I'd love to tickle Brad. God, I want nothing more than to tickle Brad on a Tuesday. I love a good tickle, though. My oldest is like my wife. He hates to be tickled. He'll cry. Because he's a pussy. It's the opposite of fun. And then my youngest, he loves it. He'll like he'll cry um because he's a pussy it's the opposite of fun and then uh

and then my youngest he loves it he'll like get my ears i'll go like his ears and like and he just fucking loves it fucking tickle time yeah my if i do it to my wife she freaks the fuck out stop it so i punch her yeah we know all right okay let's move off to some good news for this okay i think we're on Ash's side. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

Hey, Zach? So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah! All right. So back to the opposite of Ash's, the good news this week. God, this is, I don't know.

I'm going to always be in favor of this stuff. MBTA puts googly eyes on trains after a public suggestion. Looks like, not Thomas, but the other one, Percy. Yeah. Because he was green. Percy was green. So, just to liven things up, and the way it got here is even better for me. So, this is in Boston, two months after a playful protest.

God, that's funny. Google I the trains. And they're like, what do we want? Google the I's. Where do we want them? On trains. On trains.

And when do we want them? Now. Now. Always. Always. A little playful protest with a simple message. The MBTA has heated writers' suggestions and added googly eyes to a select few green line

and commuter rail trains. God, fuck yes. Like, just something. After receiving public suggestions, our team found a safe way to install these googly eyes on a limited number of trains. It's going to be another protest. You're like, where do you want them? All the trains, not some of them. That's the thing. It's like, we wanted them on all the trains. There's going to be another protest. You're like, where do you want them? All the trains, not some of them.

That's the thing. It's like, we wanted them all. We gave you some. We gave you five. That's not good enough. No. The next protest is not so playful. No.

There's guns and tear gas. And they just... The next one's not going to be as playful. No, we started here. We're not stopping until there's googly eyes on all these fucking trains. So, Pesaturo shared photos of eyes on trains and said the addition is part of her ongoing effort to bring moments of joy to our writers. The eyes have been installed on five trains.

That's not enough. How many trains are there? No, no, that's ten eyes. Hundreds? Yeah, or just like... What's your budget? Yeah. We had a budget for fucking... They're fucking googly eyes hundreds. Yeah, we're just like it. What's your budget? Yeah, we had a budget for fucking googly eyes

How hard expensive could they be you look him up on Google you're on fucking Amazon. They're two cents apiece like what the fuck? Boston what are we doing? What are we doing? Just put them on the trains and they had to find a safe way to put them on Just slap them glue. Just slap them on just put. They should be magnets. You just whack, whack. Until the protests are over, then take them right back off. Or, just take one eye off and make them all cyclopses, and then you double your trains. Now you've got ten trains. That's right. Back in April, organizers gathered

people at the Park Street MBTA statement for a... what? That was a sentence? For a lunchtime, march for googly eyes on the t our vision for the t is to give the t vision fuck yeah that is a playful protest organizer said an event announcement we call on the mbta to attach googly eyes to the front of the t trends and they did you know and that's fun because you don't have to be so serious about all this stuff like i don't

know there's safety just put the fucking eyes on it what's the safety thing there someone thinks You know, and that's fun. Because you don't have to be so serious about all this stuff. Like, I don't know, safety precautions. Just put the fucking eyes on it. What's the safety thing there? Someone thinks that they can jump in front of the train because it's playful? Dude, and you, I'm not sure if you know about my past of putting googly eyes on shit. I put them on my Roomba. Oh, yeah. It's cruising around.

I put them on my oven. So it has eyes and a mustache. Anytime something becomes a face. Like, that's the whole thing, right? You put a face on a turd and it's funny. Yeah. You know what I mean? Right.

I mean, a turd alone. A turd alone is funny, but you put a little face on it and you're like, now it's got a little personality to it. It's like, welcome to the family. And it's going, howdy ho. Welcome to the family, turd face. Ferguson. Turd Ferguson. Turd, turd, turgeson.

Nah, you get it. But we don't have to stop. Don't stop. Google your eyes on all the shit but we don't have to stop. Don't stop. Googly eyes on all the stuff. Don't stop there. No, I love it. I love it when you go

into like a restaurant and there's like a like a like a historic photo and the people will have like a little googly eyes on them. That's they should put googly eyes on the

Mona Lisa. Yeah. Why not? Spice it up. It's been just Mona leasing or whatever. Let's let's Mona googly. Yeah. Let's Whatever. Let's Mona googly.

Yeah, let's Mona up, dude. I think you have to clean the soup off of it first. Oh, that's funny. I remember that. That stuff. Or the King Charles. Remember his new painting? The devil.

Apparently everyone thinks there's a devil in it or something. Yeah. That it's satanic. So let's throw some googly eyes on it. Yeah. I'll cheer everyone right up. You throw googly eyes on the devil?

Funny Satan. He's pretty playful Satan. Comical Satan. Yeah. What a personality on that guy. Or like the classic paintings

of the dogs all playing poker. Just put some googly eyes on those dogs. And then put shades on the on there. Yeah.

Yeah, you get it. Just spice it up. Everyone's got the same poker face. You never know what's going on. The thought of a train coming down the tracks and you're waiting for it and it has fucking big old eyeballs. Yeah, that's funny. Hell yeah, dude. That's good stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, just let's do more of that. Everywhere. All the time. So we just talked about being serious at work. Yeah. And then going straight into googly eyes. Right against Asher's thing.

Yeah. So that's my That's my personality Yeah Make everything funny I get it But it's a train You're not You're not asking the train

To do anything else But drive Yeah just Approach me With a nice set of eyeballs on it Yeah I like it Maybe that's what that

Chick could do With the Petty beef Just throw some googly eyes on While she's working Throw it on the back of her head Or something So every time the lady turns around

There's a little googly face on there She laughs And she knows that you're She's like oh she's having fun Oh she's being silly She's being goofy So she gets her fill And you get your fill

Because you have your back to her Right There's your solution We did it We figured it out Wasn't it Ash? Was it Ash? Yeah

Yeah from whatever 94-42 Tickle Street West Yeah West Tickle Street West Tick tickle street west tickle street east tickle street not that's no laughing matter over there the east side they're they're they take things seriously yeah they're working things through over there yeah yeah time will come uh you found something internet yeah oh boy all right zach

the internet is pretty wild depending on on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes. That's awesome. So this was sent in by our son, Michael, who may or may not be into bestiality. I don't know for sure.

Solid open. I'm not going to accuse him of anything. Okay. But. Kind of. Can't put it past him either with what he just sent in. Okay. Okay.

So he sent me a link to this website called Scruffy. Plushy smut for your naughty mutt. What? Here, check out the logo. Okay. I'm looking. I'm looking. Where'd it go? Where'd it go? I zoomed in it went away oh no god damn it what the fuck i have it there we go there we go okay plushy smut for the naughty mutt yeah i can see why you went to the bestiality yeah

it was natural it looks pretty friendly um so. So basically what they have here are little plushy toys, little chew toys for your dogs, but they're shaped like sex toys. Yeah, like anal beads and vibrators. Anal beads, vibrators. There's a butt plug and a little Peter Woofington. And there's some of the names here You've got Tug Buttons Bunny Vanderpup Wanda Del Pucci Rough Poppers

Peter Wolfington And Mutt Plug McGruff That is a funny concept They're cute A dog just don't just just chewing away just laying over there and just comes over drops it and wants you to want you to throw the butt plug that is funny it is it's really okay and uh it's fucking cute as hell oh you can click okay here we go you can click on naughty mutts check this out so it shows it

in action yeah look at that dog going to town on Mr. Peter Woofington. Yeah. Going balls deep. Dog on plush action. Yeah. This is what I'm paying for. This is what your guys' Patreon subscriptions are paying for. It's just me fucking doing this.

Following dogs around and giving them rabbit vibrators. They don't know. They have no idea. Look at this one. Just butt beads like just dragging across his head and he's like this is life they have little eyes on them the only thing would make it better is if they were googly or if you could use them yourself what'd you say yeah you know well you could cut these open and jam your own uh wanda in there wanda del pucci and make it look at this doggie hanging out the whole collection just so happy and smile has a butt plug fucking beads and a dildos and just like yay these are mine looks angry look at him he's like i don't want to

fucking go any more butts yeah if you go up like two more i do that yeah you i don't maybe three more what is that dog there's a dog with a wiener in front of it it's like you guys just put a wiener in front yeah look at his face he's like i'm not sure about this yeah he didn't even like it he goes no i tried this once dude look at the other dog looks like a hyena he's got a haircut he's got a mohawk like a hyena does like you he looks like my hair yeah you got a mohawk check that out look at brian did it myself yeah it looks like your little not tip your stepdaughter was giving me shit she was like putting it on her snapchats and shit set to friends right look at this idiot yeah she's making fun of me yeah she should anyway so that's there if you go to scruffy.dog, you can do anything these days.

.dog. Come on. And then, yeah, if you want to get your dog a little treat, you know, or a little giggle every time someone comes over. Just squeaking on a dick. When you have the pastor come over to visit and have a little. Planting a sister's funeral. Right.

And your dog drops off a little butt plug. At his feet. At his butter, son. Yeah, little McRuff nuts. Or whatever they called it. Look at this. Look at this picture. Gosh.

They are happy. Yeah, he's not. Well, he's not happy. He hasn't been happy the entire photo shoot. That dog hates it. Let's see about us. We've developed funny parody toys for dogs. Why should you have all the fun and none for your dog?

Many have experienced our pet dragging a toy of the... Wait. Oh. Experienced our pet dragging a toy out of the bedroom. I mean, they kind of do look like dog toys, right? Well, so now they have their own with squeakers and a tough-to-destroy design. Of course, we couldn't resist adding some great leatherware

and many more accessories. Like a fucking leather vest for your butt plug sold separately like that's how they get you god that butt looks cute with the vest on here's the apparel gosh look at that where's the gimp suit ranger p-bot fucking noodles that's funny that's rubber rubber a little corn on the cob that's not even sexual that's just corn on the cob anyway anyway so that's a fun little thing for you pet lover oh we got here's your leather doubt leather doggy oh my god a spiked leather collar and leash i don't know why that's bad dog dog. I'm not sure why that's...

You've been a bad boy. You've been a bad dog. Customers also bought butt plug. Peter Wolfington. All right, let's hear from some of the kids. Okay. All right. All right, let's hear what you guys think.

Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, do you like Spice Girls? Who doesn't? Or didn't? They're fine. When they first came out, I was young enough to be like, this is cool.

Did you like them, Zach? Yeah, a little bit. Who's your favorite Spice Girl? The red-haired one. Ginger. Mine was Baby Spice. Because of the pigtails. Scary spice

because she was wacky. Yeah, she was crazy. Well, then you had sporty spice because she was sporty. We're forgetting Posh Spice who was posh.

That's true. But she was the least talented, I feel like. She was just there for looks. I don't remember her singing ever.

Anyway. She had the Kate Beckinsale look going. Yeah, a little bit of that. Okay, so this was sent in by our Spice Girl fanboy. Anyway. She had the Kate Beckinsale look going. Yeah. A little bit of that. Yeah. Okay. So this was sent in by our Spice Girl fanboy, Jay. I don't know if I should call him a Spice Girl fanboy or a Spice Boy. Spice Boy.

You like that better? Love it. Okay. All right. Yep. Went to a book signing with my wife. I love me some Spice Girls. Grew up with two older sisters, so it was never prevalent

in the... It was ever prevalent in the house. That makes sense. Ginger was always my favorite. Sexy AF. Duh. She was actually in Playboy. Remember when she did that? Don't remember. I do. Have to look it up while you're talking. I always wish Baby Spice did Playboy. Because of the pigtails.

So I was more than happy to go meet her. I wish I had a picture of the pigtails. So I was more than happy to go meet her. I wish I had a picture of the face she made when I presented my Game Boy for her to sign. This is obviously, like, it's funny, but this is kind of reference to, like, what will they sign and that type of stuff. The security guards were on alert, laughed my LMAO. After a few moments to take it in, I haven't seen one of these in decades. In this sexy British accent, she said. I haven't seen one of these in decades.

Except that's a different... What? I don't remember what her accent. Spies are alive. I was doing more of a... Tuesday. A Tuesday. And people keep asking why a game boy i don't know it was there when we were leaving to go to the signing love the show bye oh that's funny there's a picture

yeah right there that's a weird game boy too that's That's like a Game Boy Fold. Yeah, they fold open. That wasn't 3DS. 3DS was... That wasn't a Game Boy. Wasn't that a Sony? Wasn't that a Sony? PlayStation thing? PlayStation 3 or Sony... I don't know. This is like the Game Boy Advance or something.

Yeah. Yeah, just being like, here, will you sign this? You betcha. It kind of looks like a flip phone. It kind of looks like the current Samsung Fold. You got it. Flip Fold fold extreme flip phone well i love that because you're showing it off like yeah well i got a i got a toaster signed by by spice girls i think that's so great because everyone's got like a poster or something you know like you could have a you have a baseball signed by someone like some

by spice hall of famer yeah like i love that kind of stuff like oh this is all i had so it's unique like when you were if you were to take that somewhere like what the fuck is this like a baseball signed by shack yeah you're like like it's like this is all i had i just happen to have a baseball yeah i think that's cool. Yeah, it's fun. Definitely makes it unique. Yeah. Send us it. Send us the fucking Game Boy J. Second email coming in from our neutered son Aaron.

Okay. Hey daddies, I got a vasectomy last year and the fear of being told I'm pregnant is now vanished. I wrote neutered. I know he didn't get his balls cut off off but it's basically the same thing got a little clip in there probably should use condoms but they suck the pullout method is what we usually do unless i want to last longer what so much detail you know

anyway fucking harassed last night the vasectomy itself was pretty painless the doc uh well that doesn't that doesn't make sense the doc i had oh yeah that doesn't make sense. The doc I had... Oh, yeah, that doesn't make sense. The doc I had has done it for many years. So this work was pretty... good. Goddamn, dude. You're selling me right now.

I know. Look at that sentence. The doc I had has done it for many years, so it was pretty good. Yes, it was a bit nerve-wracking showing him my good goods is what i think you meant to say yeah but showing him my good but i guess i had to keep reminding myself that this was his job the nurse got the station set up, then left the room. I was only me. It was only me. And the doc, while we were doing it. Fucking Aaron!

You can use chat GBT. Like, have it write it. Or, uh, at a fourth grade level. Love you, Aaron. I'm just giving you shit. The nurse, okay, okay but the numbing stuff they use made it so i didn't feel a thing we joked around a lot about how it cost a grand for him to take 10 to 15 minutes and how it was a good hustle the joking helped keep my mind off

that this guy was cutting my junk when he cut the cord things though you can kind of what dude aaron aaron jesus i'm not making up words this is it this is what's happening like this so you don't fuck up the sentence i know i just want to read what he wrote but what the fuck is happening when he cut the cord things though you can kind of feel it internal eye like a rubber band sound aaron i love you bud and i just laughed and said goodbye when that happened still didn't hurt he stitched me up and i was on my way the recovery hurt worse than the procedure itself you don't realize the muscles you need to use to flex the area until they are damaged Getting those last few droops Drops with two Ps

It's like tops Tops of pee out Were impossible the first few of days The first time the wife helped me pee though She was laughing hysterically When I looked down I noticed the numbing stuff they used make it not a full-on boner, but stiff-sticking straight out. So small and hard. Help!

Help! Help! The unlimited cream pies are fun until the wife makes me cum somewhere else, though. We do have a birdhouse, but she won't get the reference. Aaron. i just feel like i was talking to a fucking six-year-old about vasectomies oh man maybe he's using like text to type because we've had those two and we've made fun of them and then uh they've written it and be like i was using text to type just like and i do net hurt a little bit hard it's hard it's hard cheese

doctor laugh i sit there nurse leave i sit good touch my goods do your ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha so i mean i'm kind of looking i'm kind of shopping around yeah yeah every day every time both my kids are fucking off at the same time i'm like i don't want to do well let me know if you find one oh yeah want to go together hold hands two two dudes one doctor as a couple as as a couple that'd be kind of funny huh yeah fucking i think they just like dicks two for one two for one vasectomy madness extreme we could go live and right in there and and fucking get our dicks clipped yeah that'd be cool zach do you want a vasectomy no oh you want to live life on the edge yep

yep i want a cream pie to mean something god damn it damn right i don't want to waste my shit yeah i don't want to waste all that Yep. I want a cream pie to mean something, goddammit. Damn right. I don't want to waste my shit. Yeah, I don't want to waste all that. Alright, well that's it. That's our show. 108. Yeah. Yep.

Hope you get your muffler figured out, dude. Yep. Become part of the gaggle. You sign up at patreon.com slash candy note podcast. Thanks to all the new people that just joined. Love it. Have fun. Enjoy that bonus content.

We'll do the bonus stuff on the back end of this episode and all episodes like we currently and have always done. How many hours of bonus content do we have at this point? A quadrillion. Yeah, it's gotta be at least a fucking Google I. Google Plex, whatever they say. Math stuff, I might add. Infinity.

Infinity. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook at CanYouDon'tPodcast. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. You can watch the video version unless it was uh last week where it got blocked and they didn't tell me what they blocked so i don't know what to cut out it's the worst no no uh but you can find that on youtube just search for can you don't podcast if there's something you want to see on the show you send it in to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com rate and review us wherever you want and then just fucking be patient about your goddamn scat cards I'm glad you're

over the COVID because you're way better at this than I am this part yeah but it was fun yeah two weeks it was fun

watching you do it minus the six stumble over it and then everything else you should have read Aaron's message it probably would have been more your speed

yeah maybe I wouldn't have fucked it up I was like there's no way this is happening and he showed to get it up. I was like, there's no way this is happening. And he showed to get good, and then I was hard. Had fun, laughed, nurse said good.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Scatcast.com, that's scat with a K. Go check it out, all the things he does. Thanks to the babysitters that moderate our Facebook page. Tons of new people joining every single day and having a blast in there. So if you haven't done that, go check it out. I got a fact for you. Do you now?

I've got a fact for you. Whoa. Zach, will you play the next segment? Go ahead and play it, buddy. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Didn't know this. Snails have more teeth than any other animal.

I also would never call a snail an animal. But here we are. With some species having as many as 20,000 teeth. What? On their tongue? Look at this fucking picture. That has to be like a microscopic. Look at it! Yes. It looks like...

It looks like a bad idea. It looks like in a cave, or a cavern, like a cave. Is it Mites Stalactites Or stalagmites That are on the bottom

That's a Zach question I think it's Tites that go up Stalagmites Go up And stalagmites Come down Or it's the opposite

I mean we got A 50-50 chance But remember our Would you rather And it was about Like a Being the size of a human. Like whether it's a fucking ant running 800 miles an hour.

Or like a snail. A snail that big? With 20,000 teeth. Now knowing they have 20,000 teeth. But they move real slow. I know, but with 20,000 teeth, they just need you sleeping. Yeah, that's true. They're just going to lick you.

They just know where you live. And chomp you down. God. It's a nightmare. 20,000 teeth. Not all of them, It's a nightmare. 20,000 teeth. Not all of them, but some of them have 20,000 teeth. All right, let's move on to the bonus stuff. I mean, a lot of them have to have that.

It's like you wouldn't just pick. It says some species. Yeah. But I don't know about calling snails animals. Everything's an animal. I know. We're animals. Doesn't that feel weird?

Yeah. Oh, well, it's weird thinking like a spider's an animal. I know. I guess I don't care for it. Well, it's an insect, right? Right. So you get it. Are insects it's an insect, right? Right. So you get it. Are insects animals?

What's in next week? What technically becomes an animal? What makes an animal? Alive, I think. Plants are alive. Yeah, it's an animal. What'd you say? Plants are an animal.

Or, I mean, plants are alive. Yeah, so I don't know, is what I should have said. What does God tell you in the bible don't sleep with men don't trim your beard don't trim your beard or sleep with your man or fuck your neighbor don't trim your that's the guy you're fucking his beard while fucking his wife you're like you can beat your you can beat your slave just don't trim his beard well yeah so these are the important things uh we'll figure out what snails do have anything to do with the bible next all right you say bye Bye.