Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Foam Dinner. Toothbrush. House Fire. Puppeteer.

Episode Date: June 12, 2024

Wowowowowowowowow! Come have some fun with us as we celebrate the two year anniversary of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/rbbeoZDJCqcSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Foam dinner, toothbrush, house fire, puppeteer. Oh, shit. Oh, this thing sucks. What was that? That looked like an elephant in the other room. Was that Zach? Let's talk about the elephant in the room. I think it's Zach in the other room. In the other little room. No one ever talks about the other elephant.

No, they don't. Listen, I love elephants in my room as much as the next guy. But no one talks about the other elephant That's in the other room Yeah, there's no way that elephant's bald by itself But do you remember when we had our one year? Yeah, these didn't work We bought these, but we didn't test them before the show

And we went, hey! And we just blew on them Oh my god, was that a tooth? What just flew out of your mouth? It was the end of, I don't know But remember that? We were like, fuck it! We just ended up throwing them Oh my god, was that a tooth? What just flew out of your mouth? It was the end of, I don't know. But remember that? We were like, fuck it!

We just ended up throwing them. But we got real working ones. This is real. They don't flare out, though. We finally have it in the budget. No, I think what happened, it was the ones that roll out. It was the... Oh, but it made no noise. Yeah, it would just go...

It would just flop out and make no noise. It just made paper. It just made paper noise. Dude, Zach's tripping with me. Yeah. Oh, no. So Brian thought it was a good idea. He rolled in to record our two-year anniversary show and brought edibles.

So far, it's a great idea. We'll see. We'll see how it gets. So there we are. Zach, hi, a bunch. Yeah. We'll see. We'll see how it gets. So there we are. Zach, hi, a bunch. Yeah.

Yerp. He's like, you betcha. Brian, hi, occasionally. Yeah, like before bed.

Fucking Joey, Joey fucking no weeds. Yeah. Like for Joey Cokes. Well over a decade since I've done a weeds. So here we fucking go.

You're just letting the weed weed? That's what my dad used to say. That's right. He's like, Joey, always remember, you got to let the weed weed. Yeah. And I was like. Take your ponytail back and let the weed weed. Let the weed weed.

That's what they say. And I was like, you got it, dad. They do say that. Yeah, someone said it. I don't, you know, whatever. Anyway, get back out there. Go mow the lawn. Go weed.

Go weed. Go weed whack i am though oh okay so we're gonna be high about it uh bonus stuff patreon you can get that content by signing up and supporting us on page did you forget to mention our attire oh no you didn't forget you just didn't want to i just forgot just forgot. I'm wearing a dog costume. You took the one that looks like a goose. It's supposed to be a seagull? It's actually a seagull.

I don't think so. I got it on Amazon. It said seagull. It could go both ways. Could be a seagull. We're wearing some tiny plastic sombreros on top of our dog and sea goose outfit. Looking great. Zach's wearing a tiny hat hat But he's in the room by himself which is even funnier if you're high

Yeah It's probably going to get pretty scary The walls are already really small but they're going to be closing in real quick He's just so high on the other side of the wall Wearing a tiny sombrero hat That no one will ever see I wish we had like a hand Cam like a hand cam,

like a mobile cam. A little Zach cam. A douche cam. But anyway, you sign up for Patreon. You'll find a link in the episode description. That's how you get the bonus content. Exclusive merch. As we record this show right now,

we are in the process, and it could be up if you head over to candydontpodcast.com of adding the sounders. So you'll have like the show stuff. You'll have like the, Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That was identical you'll have like the show stuff. You'll have like the, Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

That was identical. That was like a freaking harmony. These things, these things fucking break it all. The ones you know and love will be available in a way that we kind of found it to make it cleaner on the website was just to share a link to a Dropbox folder. So you can go and grab whatever the fuck you want because we're not charging for it. Instead of going through the checkout process and all that.

We don't need it. So we'll just have a Dropbox link and you just click it and you can go grab whatever the fuck you want. Yeah, the folder will be in there. You just grab whatever ones you want. I know. It's beautiful. Something you want to hear on the show, send that to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com.

We haven't done mail calling a bit. We're sorry if we missed it. You guys keep sending it in. We have a physical P.O. box and you'll find that in the episode description but keep sending the fan stuff in it's stacking up and we have it but we got some more just before we started recording uh what do you have over there i have a save the date for a uh a wedding a wedding one yep it's from kissing girl getting hit that Getting Hitched? That's right, brother. This is from Dustin and Summer, and they're a couple of our kids.

Okay. What's cool about this one is that they're both- Sorry, go ahead. Well- Who could? Did a lot of drugs in the 60s. We did. They're both-

They both listen to the show. They're both kids. So it's like our kids grew up and are getting hitched. Left the nest. Yeah, they're getting hitched. They didn't fall out and die. Our kids are marrying each other? Yeah. It's legal in the bird world. We're fine

with that. Bird world. Bird world. It's a bird world country. Oh boy. Hello, Daddy Joe and Stepdaddy Brian. Also, big howdy doody to Uncle Zach. We're huge fans of the show and love getting to talk to each other at the end of the day about the latest episode.

It's finally official that after seven years together, your son and daughter are getting married. Woo-hoo! No, they're getting MARRIED! Oh, it's all caps? Yeah. Nice. We wanted to share the big news with our daddies and Uncle Zach. I had actually joked with Dustin, my fiancé, about sending in a save-the-date.

He said, oh yeah, that'd be cool. And that was sort of the end of it. Such a dude response. Oh, yeah, whatever. You got it. Whatever you want to do, yeah. That's exactly what I do with my life. I was thinking about taking a trip to Disneyland this spring. What do you think? That'd be cool. If that's what you want to do. Yeah, wow, that's cool.

It'll make you happy? Yeah, let's fucking do it then. Cool. I'm just trying to watch the game, so maybe wait a little bit it's the bottom of the eighth if you could just talk about Disneyland later or just book it I'm good for it

yeah I'll show up now sort of the end of it so here I am writing on Mother's Day while our girls destroy the house and I have locked myself in our room to get a moment

of god damn peace and write you guys this lovely letter without Dustin's knowledge because he is at work. A little secret. What else does she keep in secret, though? Uh-oh. I'm just kidding.

She's this lovely gal. And I would love to surprise him with this. If you could choose to read it on the show, I wanted to thank you guys for giving us hours of endless laughter and bringing joy to our lives. But for real, if you could give Dustin a shout out and a big sexy honk! That was a good one. Slurpy? On the back end? Yeah, dude. It'd be much appreciated because I love

to see that man smile. What a great future wife. Thanks again. How do they sign their names? I'm not there yet. Thanks for all you do. Hope to hear your sexy honk at our wedding. Love you guys. Your cum-guzzling bride-to-be daughter, Summer, and your pussy-juice slurping son, Dustin. P.S.

We are registered at Honeymoon Wishes for Carnival, Amazon, and Target, if that's something you're into or fucking whatever. I love the no mic yeah horn i mean it's tripping me out and the fucking higher i get the worse it's gonna be i know we've kind of not sober right now but i think we should go to this wedding you thinking about it i mean it's both of our kids i have we be terrible daddies to miss it i think i think if we were guests on the list and we got like drinks and food for free i think i would show up and do that did you wear this yeah yeah if requested if that's the attire yeah if that's what it needs to be your dress goose suit yeah my bet i could

put a like a suit shirt i have one of those. Oh, a serious goose. A serious, yeah. No more silly goose. Serious goose. Serious goose. I'm trying to put the silly goose away for a minute. For the weekend. Well, that's awesome. Thank you guys for sending that in. And then this is from Eugene. He wrote a whole thing.

And it's taken forever for him to get around to sending this. But I'm just going to show it off. It's some great artwork. It has a bunch of silly geese inside of a hot air balloon that says, can you don't? And he made it by burning it like magnifying glass. So making art out of that. And it says wrecking picnic, riding balloon. Fuck yeah.

Riding balloon. Yeah. Riding balloon. B-L-O-O-N. Balloon, not balloon. Well, I mean, it's spelled like it sounds. Balloon. Balloon.

Balloon. Yep. No one says balloon. No one. Out of here. Baby. But Eugene, thank you so much i think you're saying there's like seven years or something he's been working on doing this

stuff so thank you guys so much for sending that i thought i was a procrastinator if you want to send something in uh reminder the p.o box is in the episode description before we get into the show speaking of hot air balloons we do have a couple updates uh of course we do yeah um i mean we're just gonna we're gonna breeze over it here but our son matt sent in an article from indiana it says hot air balloon struck indiana power lines burning three people in the basket uh and there is a video for that but we're not going to watch it and then our son russ sent in a screenshot of a text message like a group chat involving him and others and they were talking about a hot air balloon had a picture of it and it just crashed in a field by their house and they said like the text was like he's out there trying to help them right now and they got it like you know they're not talking

about it the hot air balloon finds you if no one's safe what a dream come true just be sitting on the back patio like having an ice cold beer or something. And he's, like, in the distance, he's like. Or it's a little sparse. And you're like, oh, that sounds like a hot air balloon trying to figure out where the fuck they're going. That looks like a hot air balloon. Because a full-blown, you know they're trying to go up. Right.

But like a. Yeah, they're trying to crash land. It's like, oh, shit. Well, you would know. Yeah. go up. Right. But like a... Yeah, they're trying to crash land. Oh, shit. Well, you would know. Yeah. Yeah. I would. But I survived.

You did. I survived. We're glad to see you. And all I got was this lousy t-shirt. All I got was this sombrero and a dog costume. Should we fire up the show? Yeah, let's do it. Oh, my eyes are fucking so squinty.

Zip! Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Oh, man. That hit way too fast. Way faster than I thought. Fuck. What'd you say?

Right? I thought we were going to need a minute. Disagreeing. This is going to really suck for camera angles and stuff. Sorry. What do you mean? Because I'm going to suck more than normal. Oh, just because you're high?

Yeah. You'll be like, I thought I pushed the button. I'm talking and Joe's on camera only. The whole show. Reaction shot. And then every time you start talking, it cuts the other way. Reaction shot. All else fails, just stick with the two shot, Zach.

Look at us. Look at us. What the fuck are we doing? What are you doing? I love it. Okay, so this was sent in by our son, Bryce. Okay. It's a would you rather. Would you rather every button you press moans.

Okay. Or you have to get your toothbrush hard before you can use it. Like a boner? You gotta jerk your toothbrush off. I hope these don't get cut, because we have filtering when we do the audio. But all the horns from the other room that Zach are blowing are gonna kill me.

Anyway, if you're wondering, it sounds like this. But in a distance. That's better. That sounds like the alpacas fucking. It does. You have to jerk your toothbrush off. You have to make it hard before you can use it. Yeah.

You can blow it. Whatever it is, the visual of picking up an object that's supposed to be hard that's not. Oh, I got it. I thought it was like a little invisible penis that you had to get hard on sticking out from the toothbrush. No. The toothbrush is just, it's a limp thing. And you have to jerk it off before you can use it. Well, I mean, in that case, with the toothbrush, you just do some mouth stuff with it to get it hard.

You put it in there like a fucking wet spaghetti noodle. Oral hygiene. Oh, yeah. Nice. It's fucking good. And then you, you know know when it gets hard The toothpaste starts working It's kind of like it came in your mouth

Okay so we're finding the positives This is the easiest choice of all time I told you I've been wanting to get into the game But what you guys are forgetting Is that the same tricks don't work forever Right so if you have like a toothbrush It's going to start requesting It's like

You show up late for work or to the bathroom, right? And you're stressed out. And your toothbrush is like, no, I can't get hard when you're stressed. Let me do it for you. You know I have a hard time getting hard when I know you're stressed, Joe. It's a big day. It's a big day. I know it's a big day and I want to help but i can't but i can't

and you have this limp toothbrush you're like it's fine like what do you want what do you want he's like tickle my bottom you're like looking around yeah does that feel good does that feel you haven't used the tongue scraper side in a long time. Maybe you could flip me over. And you're like, God damn. Like you're fucking trying to, like you're tying, you're trying to tighten it and your toothbrush is like, come on. Imagine. Help me help you.

Imagine you move in with like your girlfriend or something like that. And you're sharing a bathroom. And you're in the bathroom she's in the other room and you're like just fucking get hard for me come on you know i'm so i'm i'm extra stressed because you know i've been lonely and i've been sad for a fucking year and she likes me it's like that's not helping joey now i know there's more going on she's just out there reading like a magazine she's like Is he fucking jerking off his toothbrush? Are you talking to your toothbrush? Oh that's it

So can she hear that voice too then? I don't know, I'm not sure You're muffling it? Shut up dude She's in the other room I don't know why it sounds like Mr. Hankey I was thinking when you put it in your mouth to muffle it. Yeah.

You're like, shut up. And then. We've been doing this for years. It doesn't do it anymore. You got to get real kinky with it. You're putting like cock rings on it and shit. He's like, rub me on your nipples. And you're like, God damn it.

And you're fucking on talking your dress shirt and fucking rubbing a limp toothbrush on your nipples. Oh, yeah. That's it. I know. Is that good? You like it, you fucking toothbrush? That's a good toothbrush. That's a bad toothbrush.

You like that, Mr. Oral B? Yeah. Oh. Hey. Oh. And he's like, yeah. And you're like, fuck. And you just put the.

And while you're trying to brush your teeth really fast, it goes limp again. Sorry, Joey. It's too sensitive. Too sensitive. Your breath smells terrible. But like other objects that would be such a... I was thinking like a sword or something. Yeah, how much of a pain in the ass.

Dude, two Vikings? Yeah, I was thinking like William Wallace. He's out on his horse. He's like, will you ride with me? And he's like, all right. Who wants to help me get my sword hard? He just holds up a limp sword. It's like hanging down.

We ride! It's like floppy metal. He's like, I can tell you're stressed. Imagine, that's the ultimate. You're trying to, you've got 20,000 soldiers you're trying to fire up to run into battle. And a limp sword. And you're going to limp sword. Just imagining like the movie 300.

And there's a battle. No, a joust. Just do it with a joust. Yeah, jousting pull. Yeah, it's dragging on the ground. I don't know. I'm just not in the mood. You're never in the mood anymore.

You're never in the mood. You always have a fucking headache. Fucking slapping your joust. Come on. The king sitting there with a piece of meat. And the other guy's doing the same thing. Can we get some guys with some fucking hard poles in here? Can we get a fluffer in here?

Yeah, can we get a fluffer? It's like a jester. But it's the other way. It's like a porn porn fluffer i don't know why i pictured this and then we'll jump to the other side of this one we can't go on forever it can obviously be anything but imagining like the like a rookie right in the jousting arena it's like some teenage kid, and he's wearing the full metal suit, and he's the fluffer. Get out of here! And he walked. Clink, clink, clink.

And he's just fucking jerking a pole off. How long it takes him to get out there, just like a robot. And the horse is like. And he's just like. It's like a fucking 90 degrees out, and he's like. He's just hot. it's like 90 degrees out. And he's like, it's just hot through like a metal. He lifts the metal flap up on his face mask. You like that?

Squeak. He goes back down. He's like, God, we gotta get some new fucking fluffers. Let's move to modern day. Let's say it's the world fucking world series. Yeah. Your baseball bat. Aaron judges.

It's bottom of the ninth. He's jerking his bat off. Base is loaded. You're down by three. A grand slam would win's the world fucking World Series. Yeah your baseball bat Aaron judges. It's bottom of the ninth He's jerked a salad. You're down by three a grand slam would win you the world series 70,000 people in the stadium Screaming like this big moment like picture on Like, the shot over the pitcher's shoulder. Yeah. And Aaron Judge is standing there, and the bat is limp. Mm-hmm. It's hanging over his back.

And he's just twirling it, and it's like, I don't like it. Time. Time. And you're like, God, and you fucking, he goes behind the batter's box, he's jerking his bat off. That's it, Aaron. That's it. There's so many people, it's hard to get hard.

Go against the grain. Go against the grain. Try some more pine tar Oh yeah Oh lube me up Aaron Fucking unreal You know like the The batting donuts The weighted donuts

But it's like a vibrating It's cock ring Cock ring Just acts as a cock ring Your bat's normal And it's just Fucking swollen You're gonna stay hard today

Whether you like it Or not I don't know man Just keeps Everyone who's done batting He just sets it in the dugout With the thing still on there It's just pulsating

It's getting hard for other players Now you're getting jealous Yeah Cause your bat's hard For someone else God damn it Oh my god Always something Just fucking Okay but they don't the bases are loaded

bases trying to get a base hit here i don't know he has softer gloves it's like he's rock hard for someone else uh every button you press moans i mean that's fun that's annoying but it is annoying think about typing that's a button right oh yeah you're right you're writing a you're writing a like a a book report or your sister's obituary what'd you say i was thinking the same thing oh my god you're sitting there just in tears trying to think of what to say she was loving you're like i got it i'll miss you you're hitting delete and it's like i'm gonna come i'm gonna come i'm gonna come just shaking it gonna come, I'm gonna come. Just shaking it off.

Or like an accountant. You're sitting there with your accountant. God, I can never spell restaurant. You're like, they have the little number thing and they're like, all right, how much money did you make on that thing? 50 grand. Okay. I'm sorry. It's just an elevator. Like someone else pushes their floor.

You're like, would you mind pushing my floor for me? They're like, no, you got it. You're like, no, you do it. You're like, okay. You walk over and just. And then some kid runs in. Well, that's another kid. Yeah.

They don't worry about that. Like you have a magic trick and that's fun. Like that's, we've always talked about that. Like if you have a little thing you can make money off of, fine. But there's buttons everywhere. Yeah. I mean, it's phone, computer, and I think just being out in the wild, like, pushing elevator buttons is really all I can really think about. Keypad.

Mm-hmm. Fucking buying something. I was at the store the other day. We were at Walmart, and we were getting some camping supplies. And my son walked over to the baseball area as he does and wants a new bat every time and Spoiled piece of shit starting to get high so I'm forgetting now shit Fuck oh, yeah

he was wearing it there was a little toy section and there was he there were buttons and he was pushing it and it was like a You know like a he-man or toy or whatever it's like he was pushing it over it was like a, you know, like a He-Man or toy or whatever. It's like he was pushing it over and over because it was making a noise like. And then this lady walks by that works there. And I was like, oh, he really knows how to push, push my buttons on. And she's like, huh?

And just walks off. I'm like. You don't get it. No one gets it. Yeah. No one gets it. What a waste of my time. But imagine that same thing. He's like.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, no one gets it. What a waste of money. But imagine that same thing. He's like, Imagine if you had an important job, like an air traffic controller or something. Right. Every time you're pushing a button. Mayday, mayday. Or like a police officer who's like, Officer down, officer down. Every time you push it. like a walkie talkie just excuse me officer Paisley

are you moaning and it's like over and then no no I'm not I'm concerned about the fucking armed robbery that's happening right now doesn't sound like it and then you let go and he's like, well, I'm pretty sure

you're moaning. No, I would never. Will you turn the volume up or something? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm gonna cum! When you turn the volume up on a TV, it's like...

Harder! Harder! Softer. 20, 20. You turn it up and it goes Harder! Harder! Choke me! Spit my mouth! Fuck my ass! Fuck my ass! And you're like, too loud, too loud. You turn it down to a point where it's like Leave, leave.

Just go home. Money's on the counter., leave, just go home Money's on the counter That's the lowest volume is money's on the counter Fucking prostitute Remote So many things that you could jerk off Just things that I want to throw out there that I was thinking about But we don't have to talk about them, you can just picture them Silverware

Like if you were so hungry You had to jerk off your fork Like at fucking dinner with your family you're like oh i fucking love lasagna you're like tapping on your tongue so tell you about your day you just fucking blowjobbing your fork okay and it's like it's like oh yeah that that's okay watch it so you're like watch this here watch It's dad, mom, and two kids sitting at the table. And he's home from work and everything. They're cutting up steak.

Cling, cling, cling. So, honey, tell us about your day. Fuck, I forgot it again. What were we saying? You can blame this on being high, but this is a normal episode. No, no, no, but this is extra hard. When you're like, I have the funniest thing to say, and you're like, what was I going to say? You're making a fork hard.

A fork hard? Hard or a card. What was I saying? We're talking about your fucking forks. Okay, so you're like, honey, how'd your class presentation go today? And right after you ask it, you're like, uh-huh. Yeah, exactly. Uh-huh.

Oh, that's great. Oh, that's great. Oh, that's great. That's great. Oh, he did. Oh, he's perfect for that part. So what role are you going to play? Spit in your fucking own hand? Start jerking your fucking spoon off? Rub it.

Fucking titty fucking a spoon? Tap in your nipple with it. Get hard for me. Get hard for me get hard for me oh that's fantastic but you've had a rough day like you're so exhausted you're like honey i hate to ask this will you jerk off my spoon yeah i know i i would never do this normally but under normal circumstances but like look like you're you have like fractured wrists you're like i'm gonna need you to fucking jerk off my my salad for No, he knows when I'm sad. Yeah. And I had a rough day.

And you know it stresses him out. Yep. It takes longer, so this would be much quicker if you would just blow my fork for me. Silverware, condiments, like ketchup or mustard. Like a fucking floppy ketchup bottle. You're trying to squeeze it. It's like shooting backwards. You're like, God damn it. Go on the ceiling.

Like, I just want to eat this Costco hot dog You fucking jerk it off a ketchup bottle hot dog would have to get harder than two right everything No, no, well we're going to he just said toothbrush, but we're going on adventure I'm gonna pick toothbrush just cuz I'm curious of how hard yeah if they jerk off your guitar this next song is called Solo solo or listen, all right this next song is called. Your sit is solo. Solo or sit. All right. This next song is called Wonderwall. And it just goes limp.

The strings are like. And you're like, come on. You used to love this song. Yeah, I used to. Yeah, you played it 48 times in the last two days. I can only go to so many RV shows. There's a callback. It's like, can you play something different?'re like what do you want you're to fucking talk to you fucking

the audience that's what and it's in the mic though like the audience is watching like what would you like me to play that his guitar just go live you're like you want me to play uh third eye blind and it's like kinda it's like and it's getting hard again okay okay just make sure you finger the minor make sure you fucking finger that extra hard

shut up it's like interrupting you it's like oh I don't feel it anymore it's like wish you would step out from that ledge I don't like it

I don't nope you're not in your best game just stuck with a limp guitar god it's embarrassing all right i'm picking toothbrush let's move off to uh what are you picking toothbrush yeah toothbrush zach toothbrush okay what are you thinking about let's fucking do it zach hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about?

So I don't, did I talk about going to Arizona on the show? Probably. Yeah, I went to Arizona. What? Oh, shit. Hold on, let me turn the music up. Oh, I think I know who that is, but I'll let you get it. Hello? Hello? Yeah. that is but i'll let you get it hello yeah wait what this person knows i'm knows that we're high and you work for what oh the okay No, I didn't call.

Did you call someone earlier? Yeah. Who'd you call? The pizza place down the street. I said we were going to be high to call us back in 30 minutes. Okay. Yeah. Bwyan.

Yeah, just bring it. Bring... You guys want like Just two Two cheeses Cheesy bread too Cheesy bread That's too much cheese

Yeah It's too much cheese And you have her address right Okay And an extra just loaf of bread Okay Or bread I'll ask

Do you guys have a loaf of bread Okay Okay No thank you very much And then you just put it outside God, Zach, do you guys have a loaf of bread? Okay. Okay. No, thank you very much. And then you just put it outside. Just ring the doorbell. It'll go. Okay.

Okay. No, yeah. Thank you for calling back. Sorry. Everyone here is fucking high. Including me, but I didn't tell them. They must have. They must have wrote that down.

I thought. I didn't think they'd call. I have never had a pizza place call me telling me I was high. Yeah. That's the first time for me. I knew I was going to forget. Yeah. That was smart, though.

Yeah. Like thinking ahead. Yeah. Yeah. Well, thinking sober. Get pulled over. What? Huh?

The cops wouldn't like that motto. Thinking sober, getting a no-over. You're thinking sober, getting a no-ver. You think you're sober, get run over. You think you're sober, and tell your no-ver. Tell your no-ver. What?

Do you know how fast you're going? You think you're sober, tell your no-ver. Tell your no-ver, and you're sober. And you're sober, and you're sober.

Get out of the car. Step out of the car, This whole time, this whole time, he's like, just get in the fucking car. He the car this whole time he's like just get in the fucking car he just picks you up he's like okay

and just carries you like a little baby to the cop car and puts you in it's alright I don't need to cuff this guy no he's a fucking mess did you hear

he said nober that's not gonna work okay so what are you thinking about went to Arizona oh yeah and i one of the i think it might have been the first night that we were there this was a month or so ago but we went out and we were getting some dinner and eating food and we looked it up and it had great reviews i mean just like 4.6 i'm gonna go with it's pretty good and it had like

your standard thing it was like steak and burgers and like all that stuff and it was good and we were sitting there and we were eating and the waiter who walked up and we got in a little bit later and it was like approaching i think it was like i don't know it was eight or nine i honestly don't remember it was eight or nine o'clock so later to have dinner so maybe fringe of on the fringe of late night stuff. Right, right. And it was a Thursday night and we're there and we're eating food and the waiter walks up

and he says, he goes, just a heads up, karaoke starts in 20 minutes. And I'm sitting there and I'm eating a steak. Oh, I thought you were going to say I'm looking at my menu. No, and I'm looking up and I'm eating a steak oh i thought you were gonna say i'm looking at my menu like no and i'm looking up and i'm like billy joel you got it all right no but uh like i'm

just like cutting into my steak just a heads up karaoke is gonna start in 20 minutes and then we all just went okay how what else do you say i don't know and he goes you know just blah blah and like because they have the tables out but I'm guessing like the tables need to not be out. Oh, like a floor? Right. Like a dance floor? Right.

But like, I started looking around and noticing the setup. And this place- Speakers everywhere and fog machines. Dude. I mean, hats off. The place is doing what they got to do. Yeah. Like, they're serving grade A steak in the day.

Wanda's going to sing fucking Freebird at nine. She does every Thursday. Every Thursday. And you need to get the fuck out in the day. Wanda's going to sing fucking Freebird at 9. She does every Thursday. And you need to get the fuck out of the way. Because she's going to buy a round for everybody in here. So as I was sitting there and this conversation happened, I started thinking about this situation where restaurants really do. And I've been there. I haven't seen the turnover quite like that. I've been there during the day when they do their this place.

And I hope that you guys know an example. Like, this is who they are during the day. 9 p.m. rolls around. And no longer are they doing that. It's Dave and Buster's. And then at 9 o'clock, it's Raven fucking. It's fucking Dave and Duster's. Raven Buster's. Raven D Dusters. Raving Dusters.

Or Lusters. Snorting Dusters. Yeah. Yeah, the guy comes around and like, you're in the middle of your steak and he just, it's like a busboy comes with a tray and just grabs, scoops, like fucking hockey sticks, everything off of your table. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, and that's, that's where my brain started going. And it was so entertaining to me to think about the idea that this waiter was like, hey, heads up. 20 minutes. You need to go out there and tell everyone they need to move along. Yeah. And he's like, fuck. And he walks over there. 20 minutes, karaoke starts.

Like, oh, okay. And then you're still there. And there's five minutes until nine. You're looking at the clock. Five minutes until nine. He walks over. He goes, hey, five minutes until Skrillex starts. This is your five-minute warning.

And I'm just like cutting into my baked potato. Like I'm rubbing some sour cream on it. And I'm like, really? And he goes, yes. Has it already been 15 minutes? He goes, you don't want to be here. And Skrillex goes on. And you're like, you got it.

You just fucking, okay. And yourillex goes on and you're like, you got it. I'm just fucking. Okay. And you start just, you know, dressing up your baked potato. And then nine o'clock hits this one. Some bacon bits, crushing them up,

rubbing them between your hands, having a nice little conversation, talking to everyone. You're like, this is pretty good. And then nine o'clock hits. This motherfucker runs over and throws your table into the wall. He walks out.

He just goes, I told you, motherfucker! The lights go out. The fog machines come on. And the crowd's like, Yes! Fuck! And you're just like,

Fuck! Glow sticks. You're sitting there. You have a napkin on your lap, but no table. Like, everyone's scared. Just your table or your chair. It's you and your chair. And you're like, fuck!

And then fucking flamethrowers. Back to the side. Everyone's fucking cheering. And you get your napkin and get some whipped cream out of your mustache. You're like, dude, this guy's serious. And then fucking the second you say, oh my God, these guys are serious.

The song's like, these guys are serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious.

Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious.

Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious.

Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious.

Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. Serious. And everyone's just like, You're just like, fuck!

Can I get a to-go box? Like, you're trying to get out of there. He's like, I fucking told you! But I gave you several warnings. Or you're sitting there and you're eating and you don't really notice and then eventually, like, the floor is all foam and it's getting a little bit higher and a little bit higher.

You stand up on your chair, and you're holding your steak. You're trying to talk to your date. I'm trying to talk to Cassie, and I'm fucking blowing a tunnel to her face inside of a foam pit. Do you like your potato? What? Do you like your potato? Do do you want to go potato yeah do i want to go potato potato yeah i think we should go potato but like you're standing there and it's just fucking filling up and you're like oh shit this is fucking nuts i All I can say is, I don't know what karaoke parties you've been to.

Yeah. But that sounds insane. Oh, well, none of that happened. Oh, okay. What happened was we finished our meal and left before karaoke started. See, what I pictured was like fucking Randy and Nancy are, you know, they're kicking things off. They're the locals that. They're singing Chop Suey.

Yeah, they get there at nine, and then the college crowd shows up at like 11 o'clock. But these two, you know, there's that locals group that's already been there for a couple hours, and they're drinking, they have the tacos and the drink specials. They got the timing figured out. No, but it was just such a funny, because that does happen in certain places.

I mean, even venues, like the Knitting Factory factory will have weddings and then they'll wrap the wedding up and that night god lamb of god's going on so that flip over corpse yeah we just didn't read the sign we didn't read the sign well that's not something you'd anticipate to be fair to no we're just looking for food oh god this is what this is what i was gonna say where it's a thursday and as you're standing there and you just like see foam you're like what the fuck is going on you're looking around and then the last thing you see before your eyes go under the foam fucking tidal wave is a little flyer on the wall it says like foam party thursday yeah every thursday and you're just like oh fuck, fuck. And you just disappear into the phone and just

his DJ's breaking all the knobs off. Brand new banger. Banger. I got it. Hold on. Brand new banger. His DJ's

breaking all the knobs off. Let's go. Imagine that he's pushing a button and it's just going Can I get the check? The what? The potato

You wanna go? God damn it Son of a bitch Fuck this place But that flip over made me laugh Move off to some dick? Yeah, that's fine I'm high

Zach! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick, dick Oh Uh Does anyone

Dick, huh? Oh, okay Hold on Exclusive hot new mix So, real quick Sometimes I'll be in the room getting dressed Like, I'll take a shower I'm, like, getting dressed And then my I'll be in the room getting dressed. Like, I'll take a shower. I'm, like, getting dressed.

And then my wife will be in the other room. I'm just going, like, hot shit. Hot, hot, hot shit. Hot shit. Like, I'm putting a shirt over my head and, like, underwear on. Hot shit. Hot shit. Hot shit.

She's like, what are you talking about? I'm just going, hot shit. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. You're jamming with the hottest disc jockey. Ah! Fuck!

Never not funny. I hope pizza shows up. Okay. Okay. Getting hot. Gets pizza shows up. Okay. Getting hot. Gets hot in these rhinos. Fucking hot shit. I'm going to try and read it.

Okay. Okay. Thanks for the confidence. Good luck. Good luck. Fuck, I can see you fucking not being able to read about it. Okay, so. Okay. Sorry. Okay.

Sorry, everyone. Canadian carrier WestJet. I haven't heard. God damn it, Zach. I haven't heard of WestJet. It looks like a snake. It's the same of like spirit for us, right? So WestJet is introducing a new way to fly called Ultra Basic.

As of Tuesday, the Basic Fair is being replaced by Ultra Basic across domestic and transporter routes. It consists of a number of restrictions, including no carry-on bags. What? Wear your shirts! You walk in there with like six shirts on. And seven pairs of pants. Sir, sit down! I can't!

You have shoes on your feet and two on your hand. You're walking on fours. It feels like a fucking tower of hats. Walking through the... Excuse me? Sir! Sit down! I fucking can't! Look, you're just as stiff as a board!

Because you have 14 shirts on and seven pairs of pants! Sir, would you like water, orange juice, orange juice, please? And they go to hand it to you and you stick your hands out with two Nikes on it? You squish it between your running shoes thank you pardon me i can't put the seat belt on you guys have a seat belt extender oh my god no i'm not

actually fat i'm just uh wearing seven pairs of pants because of your rules okay so anyway here we go no carry-on bags unless the passenger is traveling on a transatlantic or trans-pacific flight, or if the passenger purchases extended comfort for all flights in a single direction, including connections. WestJet

says... Would you like to know where you're close? WestJet says personal items that fit under the seat in front of you are allowed and checking a bag is allowed for an additional fee anyone arriving at the gate with a carry-on bag that doesn't fit under the seat in front will need to have their bag checked and a service fee will be applied oh my god so pretty standard so the idea of this is not what fucking killed me it was just the idea of creating worse and worse classes

yeah yeah and how they would treat you yeah if you're high class for the ultra basic imagine what the low class looks like you have like ultra basic and it's just like ultra basic deluxe peasant useless deluxe just riding in the wheel well yeah they scan your ticket and there's like beep and he's like all right welcome aboard joe you're like thank you and they just fucking kick you in the back as you walk down the jetway go on get out of here get out of your fucking peasant throw shit at you throwing tomatoes at you and shit you walk you're about to board the plane like okay tickets here and they scan the ticket and they just look at your carry-on they're like is that your carry-on.

They're like, is that your carry-on? Like, yeah, more like fucking carry off! And fucking grab it and throw it out the window. Out onto the tarmac. And some guy's fucking scooping it up. He's flipping you off. He's driving by in the little buggy. Runs it over.

Towing it over and just flips you off while he's running it over. Ties a little hook to it. He's doing donuts and dragging your suitcase in circles on the tarmac. Flipping you off. But your plane ticket was $9. Oh my god. They're walking through like giving everyone food. There's like a certain peasant section.

Food or drink. Food or drink. And they get to that road like, Fuck you! Fuck you! And just like shove your face. You fucking nerd. Fucking kick your legs.

Just ram your elbows extra hard on the way to serving the real people. They reach the seat that's in front of you. You don't even know it's there. And they pulled up like a seat adjuster and slam it back in your fucking legs. Oh, looks like you just got upgraded. And you just got fucked. Because you're poor. Yeah, downgraded.

I was going to say, is that a word? But yeah, it's a word. No, you're just like sitting there with your seven pairs of pants on in a ball in a seat that's made of dirt with your with your things on in your orange juice a seat made of clay there's no seat there you're just sitting on the ground oh my god this is so funny to me welcome aboard thank you for flying with us thank you for flying for us thank you for flying with You're just sitting on the ground. Oh my God. This is so funny to me. Welcome aboard. Thank you for flying with us. Thank you for flying for us. Thank you for flying with us.

Thank you for flying with us. Fuck you. Thank you for flying with us. They fucking rustle your hair and fucking trip you. Push you into the wall. Like the locker, like the push into the locker in high school. Thank you for flying with us. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Fuck you! Just shove you into the fucking bathroom and then trip you. We got another fucking peasant! And the girl in the back is like, oh, great! Fucking loser! I got a good spot for him back here on the clay chair! Do you have to use the bathroom?

Yes. Too bad! You poor piece of shit! No, they just cut a little hole. They're like, how about you piss in your own shoes? You got four of them. Yeah, you have four of them. You have seven pairs of pants on.

Piss one of them, you fucking loser. Orange juice or water? Orange juice or water? She likes some gruel. Oh, my God. I don't know why that's so funny to me. Well, it's funny because you have like ultra, like if you're just your standard airlines, you have first class and then, you know, coach.

But that seems like first class seems really for like upper class. But if you went another notch up to like where those people would be coach on a, you know, a more expensive plane getting treated like the coach people do so there are levels to there's like bill gates is on there and then you're in the coach there and then that guy's rich for the next so if you went keep going down yeah like what time is what type of scum is getting on that plane and even down at the very bottom just so funny to have like like peasant deluxe like you're like two bucks more deluxe is cool and like you're looking at it and it's like won't punch you it has a little the little chart with the the x's

and the check marks and the difference between peasant deluxe and peasant yeah it's like they won't punch you won't punch you won't punch you with the check mark and then on that one it's got an x oh so does this mean i'm gonna get punched you're like shit well i mean i'm worried i'm willing to wear seven pairs of pants and 13 t-shirts but i want to get punched for two dollars more i'm crazy if i don't do this what a deal your luggage will show up like just like yeah yeah you do the bottom one has no check marks yeah it's just nothing like yeah yeah it's your your luggage your luggage you will get your luggage and then that was just the last thing on the list it says go fuck yourself with a check

mark a green check mark your body may be used as a flotation device you're you're a life you're a life jacket check mark check mark you're so poor you should be so embarrassed check mark why are you traveling you clearly can't afford this, checkmark. I'm going to point you right in the fucking mouth, checkmark. It's just roasting. What's that restaurant that you... Dick's! Yeah, Dick's Last Stand or whatever.

That's kind of like flying Dick's air. I'm getting too hot. Yeah, I had to take the hood off. Oh, you did that? I didn't even notice. I just been over here too high wearing a dog costume i mean i just did it to be fair cool all right let's move on to the next one okay you go oh okay i was able to focus that's great okay let me get uh amazon delivery driver you can't

read anyway but didn't you hear that note it said i would be what'd you say? This is going to be tough enough as it is. I don't need you tooting your own horn. Yay! Amazon delivery driver reportedly leaves package at smoking garage. Doesn't call 911. I'm like, oh, I'm sure they've got this under control. This is so fucked. Medfield, Mass. And then a bunch of news outsources.

An Amazon driver reportedly left a package at a smoking garage and didn't call 911, just like the title says. I'll leave my package at your mom's house. An Amazon delivery driver was seen on video leaving a package in a garage at the early stages of a fire. Instead of calling the emergency services, however, the driver left to make more. I mean, you got to hit your times, right? Or it's coming out of your pocket. You got it. Meanwhile, the blaze grew to the point where crews from 10 surrounding towns were called in to help.

Put it out. Homeowners in Medfield Mass neighborhood had asked why the driver didn't say anything. Please tell me he's, they interviewed him. The McCarty family found much of their home in ruins upon arriving back Saturday from the Cape after they received a call that their home was on fire. Oh, what a terrible call. I always think about that. When I'm gone, I'm like, oh, my neighbors haven't called. So that means our house didn't burn down. Like, that's a thought I have every time. They actually got the call uh we came home to a house filled with smoke and water

and foam sounds like a fucking karaoke party so like skrillex was performing dj banger this dj is breaking all the knobs off let's go go go you've got five minutes Until the fire starts You better clear out You better get Skullix in here However Peter Told a news station WCVB reported The fire broke out

In the trash bins Next to the garage Based on the surveillance video McCarty said he believes It was due to materials Thrown out by workers Doing renovations On the property

So not even them Oh Brian You should get high more often. Zach, are you seeing this? It's reading rainbow over here. You're reading better than you've ever read. Mm-hmm. Hooked on chronic work for you.

Oh, fucking D here. Oh, wow. Yeah. That's because I'm slowed down. It's melding. No, you're still melting my brain. Whenever I read, I try to read too fast. It's suchd now. No, you're still melting my brain whenever I read I try to read too fast Such an awful zone

Okay, you're doing it unfortunately the material they they disposed was combustible McCourty told the outlet It's when McCarty surveillance video shows next that has the family shocked around 20 minutes after the first Wisps of smoke are seen, an Amazon driver opens the garage door to drop off a package. Oh my god. Dude, I know. I thought it was just maybe outside. No. The driver walks through the smoke

and sets down the box. He's like, he's like, Jesus! God damn! What's going on in here? It's like a fire in here or something. Man, bummer. I hate this. I can't imagine living here.

Yeah, I can't imagine having to come home to this. God, what a bummer. It'd probably be much worse by then, though. Yeah, well. It'd be crazy if someone did something about it. That's not going to be me, though. Nope. Busy day.

Sat down in the box before backing away, shutting the garage door and leaving. It's a little disturbing to know that this could have been prevented. If you see a fire, maybe call 911 or the fire department before you go on to your next delivery. Or whatever. McCarty told WCVB. Three and a half hours later, a passerby noticed. Three and a half hours later. Oh, shit.

A passerby noticed the flames and called 911. See how hard that was? Mm-hmm. Took all the, what, 20 seconds? Ten towns. I know. Are they terrible firefighters? Why does ten towns have to set a house fire?

I know what everyone's asking. Did the Amazon package make it? No. It was left in a soggy mess because they sprayed the whole house with foam. Yeah. The foam damage. They might take it back. Amazon takes everything back.

Don't take everything. Yeah, that they don't. What a terrible... It just keeps going. First, the driver walks in, opens the garage to deliver a package because they probably gave him the code and instructions. He walks in through smoke, puts the package down, and the camera shows him back away like a cartoon.

He's like, not today-o. And then shuts the garage and goes back. And then Amazon is like, no, we don't cover that. It just keeps building. Dude, that dude could have. Amazon sues you. You're right. You're like, I don't fucking have time for this.

Trying to pay for my new house. Yeah. Dude, that dude didn't have to put out the fire. He didn't even have to stop to do anything. All he had to do was turn around and grab his phone and call 911 and be like, hey, I just dropped off a package at 47 South East. 47 Flame Street.

I think it was a 2624 Engulf Avenue. Yeah, the whole thing was engulfed. It was golfing. Dude, it was engulfed. It was Yeah, the whole thing was engulfed. It was golfing. Dude, it was engulfed. It was like an 18 hole golfer. What?

Trail Park Boys reference. To my fellow stoners out there. This fucking goes. So, no, all he had to do was turn around and call while he's walking back to his van. I know. And be like, hey, there's a fire here. Send somebody.

I got to keep moving on. It would have probably taken, what, 10, 15 minutes instead of three and a half hours? To call? Oh, to get the fire. To get the... Yeah. 10 seconds to fucking call. Yeah.

Yeah. He would have done it on the way to the next delivery. I mean, talk about hating your job, where you're just so fucking checked out that you won't even call in a house fire. You'll leave and be like no maybe he didn't realize it was smoke hated him no no they've you've walked through it being like yeah come on fire's fire dude maybe he just fucked he didn't want to deal with it maybe he's just so used to fucking karaoke dude and he walked in there he's like dude oh karaoke he's like what time is it no i mean karaoke's about to start no one invited me to karaoke fuck this place it's fucking 26 24 and go flame flame street fucking blaze blaze avenue what's that zach shittiest barbecue ever maybe

yeah went through his mind that looks like they burned the pig again what are you guys cooking it's awful terrible here have your package hopefully it's a new fucking cookbook. Some salt. It's a cookbook to... And he's like, they need this. I'm out of here. I want to know what... I want to hear an interview with the guy. Is there any more good stuff in here? Is it worth reading?

That's it. Yeah. Okay. That's all it deserves. But we do have a good old fashioned thing for Petty Beef this week. Let's roll it. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom,

where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Man, I definitely felt... What were you saying? I didn't say anything.

I forgot what it felt like to be high. So our Petty Beef this week, we got a classic, as I hinted towards. It's a good old-fashioned neighbor dispute. Best. And the classic topic of a neighbor dispute. And it's not, please fucking quit helicoptering your dick on the porch. Which is, I mean, that's what I do, so I get it. Do it in the backyard at least.

You don't have to tell me twice. It'd be funny if the neighbor's house... My dick's so big I do it in the front yard and it's in the backyard? Yeah. My dick's so big I... My dog, my dick hangs out in the front. My dog places my dick in the front yard and the backyard. That's how big my dick is, dude.

My... He brings it from the front to the back Dude, my dick's so big My dog plays with it in the front yard and the backyard What do you do with that information? No Oh, so you're homeless? Hey, dads! I have an issue with my neighbor I have been living in my house

for about four years and my neighbor moved out about three months ago. Oh, my God. I'm going to make it. I didn't know this song was this long. Your fucking mom didn't know that was in her. I was in the front yard, and the dog was playing with it. I have three dogs that are really chill and don't bark much. However, my neighbor that recently just moved in.

Oh, it's the worst. Came with one dog. Whoa. She called the cops. Still got it. Oh, yeah. That barks a lot. My wife and I were okay with it for the time being until they brought two extra dogs that also bark a lot.

Oh, yeah. being until they brought two extra dogs that also bark a lot. I work really early mornings and sometimes her dogs will be out barking as early as five in the morning. Should I be a reasonable person and talk to my neighbor or slip these dogs some chocolate? No, no, let's not murder. P.S.

If this goes on the podcast, thank you very much. I appreciate everything you guys do as a truck driver. And I can't stop listening to you guys throughout the day. Shout out to my wife, Viola. Your son, Zeke. Hell yeah, Zeke.

Zach. When people don't hear it, they don't, you know. I'm sorry if it gets cut out, but he's doing this little toots. How about you go back through and put it in afterwards? How about you go back through and fucking tell your mom to put it in in the front yard afterwards dude right in the backyard that's fucking tightest one dude this dj is breaking all the knobs you're natural thank you uh okay so i've had neighbor disputes kind of i've talked about on the show the cat thing at the old house no they eat the chickens or yeah like the and they

just like caught our cat they knew it wasn't our cat or they knew it was our cat and they just fucking shipped it off okay so fuck that i forgot Dude, how fucking, how fucked up is that? Like, their kid would play with our cat. Like, loved him. And then they caught our cat in the cat trap or whatever, because they thought it was killing the chickens. And then they caught on camera that it wasn't even our cat. It was some other yellow fucking cat. But they still grabbed our cat and tried to ship it off to a neighboring town.

Even knowing it was our fucking cat. Like, I don't fucking know fucking cats. And then the plate, the post on Facebook was like, I don't fucking care. It's like, how about secure your chickens?

How about do a better? It's like, not about that. And you're like, it is about that. Exactly what it's about. It's like, no, there's,

there's, you're gonna get rid of all the cats in the neighborhood. All the naughty cats. Oh, they're so bad. It's like, they're fucking to get rid of all the cats in the neighborhood, all the naughty cats? Oh, they're so bad. It's like, they're fucking cats. And, yeah. They're going to try and kill it,

so make a better cage for your fucking chickens. Chickens shouldn't wander around. Well, they're in a cage. Like, they were enclosed, but their enclosure sucked. They didn't do a good job, so cats are going to try and do it. And they get shipped off a bunch of fucking family cats. Okay, anyway. So back to this.

This is happening. Not over it. Yeah, I was just going to say the same thing. I have grown through it. I've been to therapy. I want my fucking cat back. This has happened. We did get the cat back.

Yes. Carl's home. Carl is home. Yes. Oh, that was Carl? Yeah, it was Carl. They shipped him off and sent him to some fucking crazy house. We had to go pick him up. It was fucking nuts. to get the cat back yes carl's home carl is home yes oh that was carl yeah it was carl they shipped him off and sent him to some fucking crazy house we had to go pick him up it was fucking nuts

stories carl could tell oh man he was so i've never seen him like that he had never been more happy to see us than his entire life because cats usually aren't no he was so pumped and he was so shaken he was like what the fuck is this happened to me what was that he goes listen i looked at a chicken i was window shopping. And all of a sudden, I ended up here. I didn't touch. I never would touch. I wouldn't do that to you guys.

And then he was like. I just wanted to sniff it. Like grinding. Like he wouldn't stop. He was on his back in the kid's laps on the ride home. Then we got back and he's like, fuck you guys. I'm going to kiss some chickens. Because I know right with to what he was doing.

I know right with the chicken's arms fucking out of here. You guys are boring. Um, no, but that's happened here with the dog and we had to bring it up at the house that I'm currently Cassie and I and the dog cute dog. So cute. Nobody loves it.

It's like, it's like a German shepherd, but also not quite, but it's all black has a little white stripe down the nose. And it is nice, and it's beautiful. But he would be let out in the morning and bark when we weren't ready to get up. And we did exactly this. We went over and talked.

We said, hey, I'm going to kill your dog. Just giving you a heads up, five minutes? Your dog is playing with my dick in your front yard and my backyard. Right. You have five minutes until the... My dick is playing with my dick in your front yard and my backyard right you have five minutes until the uh my dick is in all of our yards he's like what you're like well i'm talking to him it's a big dick thing you wouldn't understand well i'm talking to him i'm like i'm coiling my dick up like a like a hose and he's like what is it that's nothing to do with anything i just want to let you know that i just want to do it on your

arm yeah doing like the extension cord roll up like is that no it had nothing to do with anything i just want to let you know that my dick want to do it on your arm. Yeah. Doing like the extension cord roll up. Like I said, no, it had nothing to do with anything. I just want to let you know that my dick is in all of our yards. Uh, I'm going to kill your dog. All right.

No, but we had to talk to him and he was like, okay, got it. Sorry. Cause you know, dogs, they go outside and they go pee in the morning and the, a bird is like

cheap. And then if there are other dogs, they hear it. And then the other dogs start, we're surrounded by dogs every time that every morning one does it. And then the there are other dogs, they hear it. And then the other dogs start. We're surrounded by dogs. Every time that every morning one does it. And then the next one, they bark at each other.

Then another one's like, what? I want to be in on that. Yep. Then you have dogs that are just barking just to bark. And then my dog runs out and then wants to be let out. So I have to get up and go open the door so she can go out and bark. Do you hope your dog gets killed by another bigger dog? No, because they're already doing that. Get out of just get over with it no i'm gonna miss her yeah you know who i miss your dad yeah okay so the dog

look at you tiny hat on. Trying to be serious. Howdy. Wearing a fucking seagull goose outfit with a tiny hat on. Looking at me like, yeah, that wasn't right. Yeah, that was too far. You crossed the line. Ma'am. No, we just went and talked to him.

And then he was like, no, I got it. Get it. Like he was aware of it. And they did whatever training they did. And it's fixed. And the dog will still like, if you're outside, like you just go say hi to it. You're like, hi, hi, hi. And talk to him through the fence and everything's fine.

So I get that. Don't kill the dog. Go talk to the person. And if they're assholes, that's different because you're going to run into that. Kill the dog. Then you have to kill some, kill the people. Kill the people. Yeah.

Right. Set their house on fire. Keep the dog. Nope. Keep it. Train it better. Take the dog and then make sure that they're sad when they burn alive when you set their house on fire keep the dog no keep it train it better take the dog and then make sure that they're sad when they burn a line would burn alive when you set their house on fire is this a new country song we're writing yes where do you want me to come and the neighbor's burning house the neighbors yeah the there's there's a tie i don't care where you come

we have a new dog you're dropping off packages causing fires dogs barking it's a whole thing yeah tractor living house that's right but uh neighbor stuff you guys ever had a good neighbor fight anything cool um no i usually just deal with stuff like cool put up with it nice we were the problem in my we had eight labrador retrievers in our backyard. Jesus Christ, Zach. Yeah, my parents owned a pet store for 20 years. Well, how come they weren't in the fucking pet store? Because we weren't selling them. They were our dogs.

Okay. And they barked, so that's... We owned a pet store. It was weird. Sell, sell, sell! Nobody bought anything because we never had any pets there. We had all the pets at our house. We didn't have pets at the store.

We just sold supplies. Dude, that is the worst pet store It's just a pet cage store Can you imagine walking into a pet store and everything's empty? There's no cages Just like beds All the aquariums are empty This is where the hamsters would be

But they're in my bedroom Can I have one? A ghost town pet store Talking about a drug front do you guys launder money yes the money's in the money's in big dog food big alpa yeah big big dog or a big arena big feed big feed big feed in beds big feed big rubber big soap big rubber big feed all out to get us all right so you were the problem zach how'd that feel were you conscious of it though That's right. Big soap, big rubber, big feed. All out to get us.

So you were the problem, Zach. How'd that feel? Were you conscious of it, though? Yeah. Like you knew it was an issue? Did you guys have to go around and talk to neighbors and be extra nice because you knew you had fucking 48 Labradoodles in your closet? When my parents left, they would howl in unison like a chorus. Oh, no. That's cool.

When I was a little kid kid my house was egged constantly so that's that's how the neighbors communicated with my family we had these big windows that were impossible to get up to and shit impossible to not egg yeah yeah for sure because they couldn't clean it yeah so yeah that sucked yeah that does suck so you were the problem that's a good that's a good step, though. At least you weren't expecting everyone else to be like, adapt to your shit. Well, it's funny. I'm trying to think anything specific.

Have I ever been that neighbor where neighbors are like, oh, well, I mean, I shoot weird videos, so people will be like, probably thinking, what the fuck's that guy doing? What's your OnlyFans? But it's secret. It's private. Why? What a terrible OnlyFans. Well, no, because I only get the biggest, the big spenders.

Bill Gates gets the feet? Yeah, well, it's a whole thing. It's like it's off-grid, so it can't track back to them. Track it back. Kill them. Track it back and tackle. Track it back and tackle. Track it back and tackle. To me and my family. Titty spew. Should we mention that the marijuana is working well? Tracker, backer, tackle Tracker, backer, tackle Tracker, backer, tackle

To me and my family Should we mention that the marijuana is working well Oh, jeez, I am high I'm high I'm laughy I'm just looking at Brian I hate it If you want to view paradise

Simply look around and view it Anything you want to do it. Want to change the world. There's nothing to it. Kick a balloon. Kick a balloon. Kick a balloon. Yeah.

Okay. Well, that was good. So don't kill the dog. Go talk to your neighbor. Fine? Great. Yeah. Good news.

Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! God dang. Who knew wearing a dog costume would be so fucking hot? When I shoot videos in these, we don't have any AC in our house.

I stink. Yeah. Oh, it sucks. Well, because we don't have any AC in our house. It might have been your stink that I'm smelling. I was just going to say, it gets real. Well, because when I have an AC in our house... I was just gonna say, it gets real fucking hot, and especially when I shoot in the summer without an

AC, because I have to turn the wall AC off, or the window AC, so then it's... Fucking issue. Or else the video would be like, Ha! I'd be talking. Hey, come on. Ha! You'd be talking, it's just an advertisement for fucking AC units.

Mr. Cool. I'm high. We're just going to play the video. Here you go. For James Cain and Barbie Agostini, magnet fishing has been a hobby that's bonded the couple for nearly a year. They got the idea to try magnet fishing during the COVID. I'm going to have a hard time listening to this voice. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.

Can you go back to- Especially right now. Hold on. I want to make- Hold on. I got to get this figured out. One second, honey. One second.

Looking at what I'm doing. Okay. Hold on. Trying to figure this out. What did I make pull up? You're basically doing the same thing that the lady does at the DMV when she's like, Oh, let me look that up. Uh, anyway, your tickets four hours from now.

Okay. Well, let me give a little summary. I can probably do a fucking summary without watching the video. Cause it's, it just seems cool. And watching the interview. You say your ticket. Is that your air? Are you flying tonight?

No. DMV ticket. Oh. God. What'd you say? So, we're not going to watch the video. Because I think that I can summarize it faster than the video. You don't want to hear the voice? No!

Can I just hear the beginning of it? Yeah. I'm just gonna play endemic and have since chronicled their journey on their youtube channel called let's get magnetic let's get a ray of fine back to you jim so the crazy thing about the video and what they are doing is that they were doing something that was cool and they did a thing why don't i just talk normal no one will care about me and my job depends on me talking through my nose and if i don't do this i lose my job reporting live reporting live from my job down here at the river down here at four news job

my job secured thanks no not a bomb thanks no it's kind of like you're not a bomb voice thanks nose lady yeah she knows her stuff she knows her stuff thanks tom back to you oh great story great story well let's let's let's go back to the war in china is there any chance we could pull the fucking microphone out of her nose so she doesn't feel like she has to talk like this? Reporting live. Reporting live from Rivertownmagnetfishing.com. Capital of the world. Capitaloftheworld.com.

Help. Help. None of them. So anyway, it's about magnet fishing. Okay. Do you want me to? I mean, I can try, but this shit's going to kill me right now. We found one grenade in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn.

We found one across from the United Nation building in Gantry Plaza State Park. Firearms all over the entire five boroughs. The couple says magnet fishing is as simple as tying a heavy-duty magnet onto a rope, giving it a toss, and then waiting for it to connect to a metal object. Little did they know their casual pastime would lead them to the disguise. You sound just like her. The difference between her and real life,

also being a little bit of newscaster voice, but at least it was down here, and I'm just doing newscaster. Then the voiceover comes in, and now we're down here doing fishing with magnets it's like why why so anyway this couple was magnet fishing you know what magnet fishing is oh yeah i've thought about doing it but it's spokane scares the shit out of me because i feel like i'm gonna drag so many dead bodies and belts belts out of the fucking river. Because things aren't great around here often.

Probably needles and some brass knuckles and stuff like that. You think there's any switchblades? But there's definitely dead bodies. Back to you, Jim. Great story, Jim. That's great. Coming up this Easter. Yeah, we got... No, let's head on over to the

Let's go talk to Jared Who has a thing or two to say about tooth fairies Hi Yeah Do you remember that feeling? Yes Pull it off Girls are like this

And then guys are like Do you remember When you had a tooth? Do you remember the tooth fairy? The tooth fairy? Well, so does this little guy. This little girl. Exclusively covered on K49.

San Diego. You'll only get the story here. Only on. On this place. My job is secure. Because my voice sounds like this. Just like Natasha. Thanks, Jim.

This sound makes me trustworthy. And the fact that I'm a man... Makes me even more trustworthy. Back to you, Magnet Fisher. Thanks, Jim. I'm surprised Nance was able to get here this morning with those women driving skills. That's the morning show. And here's the weather. Nancy was able to get here this morning with those women driving skills. That's the morning show.

And here's the weather. So anyway, this couple had been doing magnet fishing. It's like you have a tiny penis built. So you throw a giant magnet in the water and you drag it like you're fishing. And this couple had pulled safes out of the water before. But obviously, normally you wouldn't just throw a fucking safe full of money in the water. Wouldn't it be weird if there was a thing called a dangerous?

What? You know, like, you buy a safe for your guns. Oh, this is... Like, you know what I mean? Like, it's just called what it is. This is weed. This keeps you safe. Like, but this is dangerous.

And it's like, it's another box, but it's got no locks on it. Like a danger safe? No, it's a box with no lid on it. Like, you put all your guns in there. Like, this is dangerous. It's got sharp edges and shit. Yeah. It's made out of glass.

It's made out of glass. Oh, I'm back in. Oh, yeah! It's a dangerous. Dangerous. Hypotonic needles. You keep stuff that you don't want to get to because it's dangerous. So scary in there.

Yeah. All right, but this couple pulled out a safe, and it had $100 fucking dollars in it noise and here that should be called a rich what's your thought what you thought about pulling a safe out of the goddamn water has a hundred thousand dollars in it don't tell a fucking soul okay someone's gonna come back but they're on the news so what do you guys think happened live to the news i was surprised they got into the safe they turned it in and they brought it to the police, and the police said, fucking keep it. Yay! What?!

Yay! And that's why it's the good news of the day! They said they couldn't trace it, there was nothing on the safe, they don't know where it came from, and the cops said, just fucking keep it. Who got to keep it? Probably the news director? No! He just kept it all?

The news people didn't find it? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. So, guess what? Have you guys ever done weed? Hey, guys. Her voice. They actually let us keep.

Why am I using that voice? I don't know. It's more down here. What? A news station. There you go. South Palantonio ESPN. But I cannot believe they turned it in.

They did, like, you know, whatever, the right thing. Also, like, how are you going to spend this money? It's been in the fucking river. So they had to take it and get the permission to have it, and then they went to, like, currency replacement process. Did they have to pay it and get the permission to have it and then they went to like currency replacement did they have to process yes fuck fucking water tax god damn every time you do a good like how do you catch this they're like dude the magnet fishing taxes through the roof right now dude magnet tax is like you think you're mad at gas taxes dude magnet tax it's dude i mean it's polarizing

you get it yeah i get it yeah they're like you think that's bad i mean they're they're doing they're uh like fixing the currency like you know giving them replacements for the bills because the bills are soaked and all fucked up and then he's counting and he goes you didn't happen to catch this with magnets did you and he's just standing there he's like no and he goes okay there's a piece of metal attached stuck to him he's he's he has the magnet he's like lassoing the magnet over his head because he's bored it's hanging over his shoulder because now there's like forks and spoons stuck to it. From the cafeteria at the bank. It's like forks like...

No, it's crazy. As he's talking... Yeah, I just got this. Okay. Okay. I think I'm going to have to talk to my manager. You don't fucking do it. He grabs the gun that's stuck to it.

Takes the magnet, fucking sucks the phone out of his hand. You're not saying shit. It's rough out there for magnet fishers. I have three or four friends in my magnet fishing group. And no one is catching money. I caught money. you know the struggle and he's like i'm just doing my job you're not doing shit which that's fucking me and my kids over give me your give me your stapler i'm not giving you my stapler he's robbing give me your stapler he's's like, I'm not kidding. He's like, go. Grabs it. He goes, well, now I got your stapler.

And your fax machine. And your paper clips. All right, let's move off to something fun that we found on the internet this week. What is that going on? The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right?

Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Yes! We gotta play this fella for the two-year. Oh, yeah. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

Gotta be a classic, dude. what are we talking about here? So, we're talking about the beer puppeteer. Yeah, we are. It's on Etsy. You can find it. Yeah. Pull this up on the screen there, Zach. Zach!

It's got a little strap, like a backpack strap. Dude, this is so funny. With a, I don't know, what do you call that? Puppeteer? It looks kind of like a... It's a marionette. Is that a trebuchet? Yeah, but the pole would go up. It's like a...

What's the thing where they hang people? Hang gallows? It's like a gallow. It goes up with the thing sticking out. I think hang person place was good. Killing it.

Hang person place was good. Yes, those are nouns. Here's the video. They don't do anything. So basically, okay, here's a good visual for someone. Remember like the cartoons when they'd be walking a donkey or a horse and they'd have a pole going out with a string hanging down like a carrot? Yeah.

But this is like, it's the same thing. It's straps to your back and goes out in front of you. And it's a little thing that just holds your beer like a little swing. It turns your beer into like a marionette. So you have like two handles and you have to control the strings to try and make the beer come up to your mouth. Oh, I thought it was just something that holds it. No.

How funny of a party, like a party thing. That's pretty cool. Yeah, I thought it was just something that holds it. No, how funny of a party thing. Like a party thing. That's pretty cool. Yeah, so it holds your red solo cup or whatever in the middle, and then you have to adjust the strings to make it so it'll pour it in your mouth. That's way cooler than I thought it was. Yeah, there it is. Okay.

How cool is that? Yeah, then it becomes a game. I thought it was just like a party thing. No, it's a game. It's a game. Okay. That seems hard. Yeah, look it becomes a game. I thought it was just like a party thing. No, it's a game. It's a game. Okay. And that seems hard. Yeah, look at them.

That's success. Yep. Right there. 140 bucks. Yeah. I mean, I'm sure you could build something like it. Or you just spend 140 bucks on building it. On figuring it out?

Picture this guy going through the product. This is Mark 28. He ran through how many versions of the beer puppeteer. He's just fucking... He's like, this isn't right. He fucking drops the handles. The beer falls on the ground. He gets his notepad out.

He goes, left hand, too slow. Too slow on rotation. His wife is just looking through the sliding glass door, being like. Bringing him lemonade. No, she's over it. She's moved on. She's like, you quit your job. You've poured everything.

It's just looking like an excuse for you to drink. Yeah. Okay, well, you tell me that when we make $200. We're going to make tens of dollars. We're going to make tens of dollars. We're going to make hundreds of dollars off this thing. It's been six months. You can't press genius. Yeah.

I almost have it. Look, look. And he's like, it's like bouncing off his lip. I almost have it. Is this a game for you? The kids miss you. They're in third grade now They're what? We have kids?

Holy shit What have I done? And then So And then yeah Then it goes dark He realizes he's wasted his whole life But

And then the beer puppeteer Song Fades up in the background The beer puppeteer song uh song fades up in the background the beer puppeteer theme song you thought you had it all figured out you were just missing trying to drink from strings thinking the whole world would buy this shit turns out i want a divorce

strings strings i imagine this didn't even start out as a puppeteer thing it was like he had levers or buttons or something and he was trying to get a puppeteer thing it was like he had levers or buttons or something and he was trying to get it to like dump and it's like that and it just like this ended up happening by accident and then he was like a oh light bulb moment his wife was like you're never going to use the bolts in that bag why you keep hanging on to him you don't know that what's the big deal? It's a fucking 50 pound bag of bolts from

Ikea furniture. I'll do it someday. Watch! And he just goes out there and he's like, I'll fucking make a puppet beer drink thing. He comes in hammered. He comes in hammered. She hasn't seen him. He was out there all night. He's like, I got it, honey!

He's knocking shit off the... We got to buy that new table you wanted. I need a three-inch machine screw. Half-working beer puppeteer. You don't get it. You've never done anything in your life. Look, I used 10 screws from the 50-pound bag, so I couldn't do it.

So you're wrong, and I'm drunk. You're wrong, and I'm drunk. He's sitting up in bed, watching a Netflix show, fucking squeak, squeak. It's spilling on her. It's bouncing off his face. He's like, ow. His lips are all bloody. We almost got it.

Just need you to buy that coffee table, and then we'll use the leftover cheese screws to really get this thing going. All right, let's read some Hey Guys. Zach! Hey, you guys! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Wow, that's cool.

These are both gigantic. Which gigantic do you want to take how did you get high and just get good at reading i don't know i'm impressed let's see if that continues i don't want that one all right let's find one else good oh okay this will work right our first email is coming in from our son, Errol. Or is it Earl? Earl. Errol. It is Errol? It is Errol.

Okay. Nailed it. Hey there. Hey. You long neck younger than me goose daddies. Nice. Joe! And Brian.

Brian! So I was listening to you guys, episode 98, and trying to drive. This is never a good idea but i made it so i have to tell you about the time i had to have a lower gi it's a gastro and grass gastroenterology this means they go in the back door to check out the pipes that's hot now to start with uh start with i get into this room and i'm in total pain from the situation I had going on. So, they had me get totally undressed and put this hospital gown on. I ended up laying on my table on my stomach.

Now, this is not strange in itself, but there were like six people in the room. Oh, God. And it had a window that was like five foot by five foot to a hall outside. I was waiting for them to say like it was you know when they do it in the little theater for all the doctors to see? Like so many people watching. We're streaming live on Facebook to everyone too.

Here's Errol's butthole coming up next. Jim? Have you ever had your butthole? Have you ever magnet fished a butthole? Tonight at nine. Find out tonight. Breaking news.

Job. Not a bomb. All right. I should mention I was in Balboa or yeah, Balboa Navy Hospital. At the time of this, it is a training hospital. So at any time during the procedure, anyone can just walk by and look in. Take a peek. At one point, I thought I saw a group of people with cameras and stuff walking past.

You've been pranked! Yeah. You've been punked! What? Ashton Kutcher's there? They come in with a camera with a bright light. Ashton Kutcher's there and they're fucking fisting your ass? Punked, you idiot! What? Ashton Kutcher's there? They come in with a camera with a bright light. Ashton Kutcher's there and they're fucking fisting your ass? Punk, you idiot!

What? Jesus. Punk, you idiot. Justin Bieber's like, God damn it. Oh, fuck. I don't want this. Okay.

It was like a middle school field trip or something. Anyway, I'm laying there and Dr. Holding. Oh. Dr. Is Holding? Dr. Holding. What does his name was? Dr. Holding? Dr. Fisting?

Fucking Dr. Gape-ass? He's like, I know this is going to sound weird. Yes, this is my real name. Dr. Spread Your Butt? Is that Italianian kind of spread it about spread about it butter i hope it's butter no spread your butter spread your butter spread your butter all right so dr holding i'm laying there and the doctor holding this thing that was about the size of a vacuum hose lubing up and saying you may feel a little discomfort don't clench he's saying dr vacuum food sticker dr suck my butt

dr sucking butts. Oh, God. Doctor sucking butts. Oh, no, it's doctors. There are two doctors. They're a team. One suck and one's butt. And it just has a name.

One sucking butts. Like a lawyer yeah come on down to sucking butts and liquor he's glad they're not pediatricians oh fuck okay uh hold uh hold lose uh what you may feel discomfort don't clench i was like um what and next thing next thing i know i was being violated by the Empire State Building being shoved up my ass. And yes! It was very uncomfortable. Oh, you pussy.

So after he gets this thing shoved into the hilt, he starts taping it in. Tapping. It's spelled taping. Maybe he's taping it. That's what I was thinking. He jams up my ass and he starts, no, he's taping it That's what I was thinking He jams up my ass And he starts No he starts

Like video cameras Where I was thinking Here let me get this jammed up I'm gonna start taping Even worse If it's duct tape He shoves it in your ass And makes it

And you look back And he's like He's like His teeth He goes Dude this is not Gonna stay in This is not gonna

Your ass is so big He's talking Through his teeth Holding the end Of the duct tape He goes, dude, this is not going to stay in. Your ass is so big. He's talking through his teeth. Holding the end of the duct tape. This is just taking a second. Put your hands behind your back. Shoving it in. Get the glue.

Get the Gorilla Glue. This guy's ass is gaped. And you're like, dude, what? The whole front half of this email is him being like, it was so tight. The doctor said he's never stuck a vacuum in a tighter ass. Anyway. So he had to duct tape it in. Having said that.

Having said that. Oh my God. He put three vacuum hoses. And it was my first time with a vacuum hose in my butt. Just to hold the other one in. Yeah, he wedged it in there. Just the tightest ass. It was so tight he had to tape it in.

What? That also shows you our age. I said taping it. And then I could have said filming it, but I don't even know if that's relevant anymore. And roll it. Yeah. Action. Yep.

Don't clench. Taping it in. Where am I? Next thing I know. Yeah. Action. Yep. Don't clench. Okay. Taping it in. Where am I? Next thing I know. Okay. Yes, it was uncut. So after he gets this thing shoved in the hill, it starts taping it. And I thought, that's strange.

But I don't know why that was stranger than having that in my ass to start with. Nice. After he gets it taped into place, he says, now this is going to feel real strange. He opens up a valve and lets this bag of contrast, it's like right out of the freezer, flow up my ass into my intestines. Nice. And yes, that was strange then he is holding this uh this things like a blood pressure cuff and starts to pump air and forcing the fluid further into my insides and after they put so much air up there we were happy with what they or they were happy with what they did okay i have to

share this thought okay dude imagine this situation you're down, fucking field trip of people are walking by, looking through a window. A doctor is shoving a vacuum up your ass and he's taped it in place. And then just messy. And he's like, fuck one more. He's like, it's like fucking all the kids have their phones out by that time. But then he's like, and then doctor like uh opens his valve of contrast and he's like he got out this thing that looked like a blood pressure device but what if the doctor was like okay it's gonna be weird it's gonna feel weird for me and he just fucking puts

a cock ring on his own dick he's like okay you ready and you're like what what he puts a blood pressure cuff like on his ass like a fucking dick And he's like And he's like Here you pump it up And he hands you the ball And you're like This is gonna be strange But

This is gonna be strange But I'm gonna be so fucking hard He's like What? What? Ding Starts the vacuum on Well you

You know when You know when You get like your blood Drawn And they have you squeeze those balls Like that's what I'm picturing. He's like, he's saying like, this is, this is, this is for, I'm doing this for you. This is going to be weird, but I'm going to need you to make me heart.

Yeah. And you're like, what? He goes, if you don't, this is gonna be really bad. But what, what, what I need right now is my fucking just throbbing cock. Yeah. To be ready and willing. And you're like, listen, we've gone this far. Let's just take it all the way home.

Just come. We have an audience now. Just come in the vacuum tube let's put on a show doctor bring it home dr button snuff dr button stuff uh okay so anyway cuffs pump air uh they started taking x-rays of my insides and that had me rolling left and right. At this point, the gown turned into basically a necklace and was providing no cover at all. So picture my big fish belly, white ass, flopping around bloated on this table with a giant black vacuum hose sticking out of it. And there was a window with spectators going by. So all this is going on really fast. And then he has me on my stomach again and says he needs

to take the tube out so he can get a few more shots all the way up to my brown eye. All the way up my brown eye. There was someone standing at the edge of the table in front of me. I look at him and said, you better move because once he pulls this thing out, I'm going to fly off this

table like an untied balloon. And the guy looked at me like... Should we... If we pop these, will I do? Oh, yeah. And the guy looked at me like... Untied balloon. The guy looked at me like I was nuts.

Because they did pump a lot of hair in my ass. Of hair in my ass? What doctor did you go to? Where are you going to get the hair? I'm just going to cut it off from you. I'll take some of the nurse. Dude, this is standard procedure. We're right next door to a Supercuts.

You know all the things they pump into the vacuum and it comes over? And it dumps. And they just shoot it up people's asses it's a tube that they open up the cabinet and pull the tube out put the extension on and jam it in their ass another day at the office yeah fucking shooting Wanda's hair up someone's ass. Shooting Wanda's bowl cut right up fucking Errol's asshole. That'll be $6,000 please. This is weird. It's part of the lease. What does the hair do once it gets up

there? We don't know. We don't know. No one knows. All we know is that if we don't do it, they kick us out. If we don't do it, somebody else will. So we might as well do it. And they made it sound really important. Listen, if you don't do it, somebody else will. I'm not going to stand for that.

I'm not going to put a bunch of wasted hair on someone else's ass. If anyone's shooting hair up ass, I'm going to be the one to do it around here Okay Shoving tube sucking ass Or uh shoving tube

Cutting hair Snipping hair sucking ass shooting tube You got it Weed Okay Where is it Okay they do pump a lot of hair. God damn it.

Lots of air in my ass. Anyway, he gets the thing out and took a few more shots. Then they said it was good. He's just drinking. Here, get that one down. Can you feel the hair? If you chew, you taste the hair if you if you if you ever you ever heard a hair of the dog this is hair yeah it's just hair up your butt what cheers it's basically the same thing it's basically the same thing but i'm never coming back to dr sucking butt this is terrible that's top shelf that's

top shelf whiskey okay um where was i okay anyway he gets this thing out and took a few more shots and they said it was good now the good Now the bathroom was about 15 feet away And this air wanted out NOW! At this point, I had ZERO! Pride left I was in this for the comedy now Yeah, I totally get that

I ripped off the now necklace style gown And threw it on the floor And my fat ass ran into the restroom. They started laughing and that air started coming out. I clenched it off and yelled, someone get a tape recorder! 1996, this is some really great stuff! Oh, I see. I thought he was writing it down like a movie title, 1996.

And all I heard was laughing from everyone out there. I don't see how anyone who works in proctology can't have a sense of humor. Man, I love your show, and I'm so happy to be a super silly goose. I appreciate you, Arrow. Yes, we do. You three really made my life fun. Is that what I said? Really made life fun. I mean, you made it all one word, but... Yeah.

You three have a marijuana life fun. The marijuana's wearing off. You three have a really made my life fun. I made my life fun. You three have a really made my life fun. Fun, you, me. You tell me I made my life fun. Fun, you, me. You tell me I made my life fun. The stuff you talk about helps me feel a bunch better about myself and telling a story like this that I would have never told any other time.

Much love all the way around. Earl Eman. All the way around. All the way around. Great story. That's fantastic. I feel like this is... God damn, it's great. This is good. Ezra just tried to call me. Oh, Jesus. Let's call him back. You're going to talk hi to your autistic

son? Don't tell him that. Why is him being autistic? Everything to do with it. How's everything to do with it? Wearing this hat hey we're recording hi daddy brian hi

oh he called me daddy boy look I'm wearing my silly hat you're on the show right now do you have anything you want to say but I have to go okay bye poopy. I mean, you don't. Shut up, dog! Don't yell at the dogs.

Bye-bye. Love you. Be nice to Carl. Bye, can you don't? Me! Nice to see you. That's offensive. That was cute.

Okay, so our second email says, What's up, Pops? Apologies, this has turned out longer than I expected. Curious to hear your thoughts if this goes on air or even just a response. First time emailing, I think. Is that you reading that or is that him saying it? Him saying it. Although I have talked to one of you on Instagram about some hot air balloons at a music festival.

Yeah, that makes sense. I don't know. Where have I seen you before? Oh, we were talking about hot air balloons at a music festival. That checks out. Anywho, I thought I'd give you some food for thought and feedback on two topics from recent episodes.

First, I think it was in Luke, pom-pom, yes, wrong address. You guys talked about guys just always being horny and how you both are just ready anytime. Even after shitting the bed. You said shutting the bed, but I think you meant shitting. This is more the food for thought one.

I'm 28 male and have never had that feeling that is a stereotypical thing for guys. I had my t levels tested i work out five days a week eat healthy on and on for all the basic things people suggest for raising drive and testing i've always wondered what that feels like and hate the effect that stereotype can have for a guy both in dating and marriage now people often assume that of men, especially me being fit, tattoos, prior military, just rambles here from the other side. Additionally, you kind of talked about your part, what part era being opposite-ish, i.e. like me and my wife is like you guys. Okay. Probably partner.

We'll say partner. That makes sense. Yeah. So he's saying doesn't have the sex drive that we talk about. is like you guys okay probably partner it's probably supposed to say partner that makes sense yeah but so he's saying doesn't have the sex drive that we talk about we're like yeah of course fucking that's the difference maybe he's in the dudes wanna fuck it maybe he's into dudes no i'm just saying like i don't think he is or he's married no but i you know some people they marry but they're not oh yeah into that sex maybe he's like into dudes and he just doesn't know it. I mean, could be. But also, doesn't mean your sex drive is going to wane just because you're into the other sex.

No. No, but maybe if you're suppressing. He might just not have it. Yeah, he might not. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, okay. I thought this was a comedy show.

Oh, I'm a hat. Oh, I have a tiny hat on my head. That thing could probably fit your penis. In what way? You know what way. Oh, there's no way that... A couple different ways. That wouldn't fit the tip of my dick. Wouldn't?

No. I've always sworn women are more horny than men. Like it's too big or too small? Way too small. Probably biased from my experience. It's like a yarmulke for your dick? It'd be like a... It would look like you.

It would look like... it would look like it would look this would be your penis and this is what the hat would look like so basically just the way we look but that's the tip of your penis yeah this episode is two of my dicks this show is brought to you by two penises little hats on dot com uh probably biased from my experiences i'm sure but i can i can say being on that other side i'm not gonna lie that shit can get really annoying sometimes and i feel for women they get tired of it of course it's a compliment and i recognize that but when i've been up since 5 a.m worked one or two part-time jobs been to the gym been in college all day and have to be back up at

5 a.m the next day and it's already 9 p.m., and now she's saying, come on. She's like, let's fucking fuck about it. I'm probably just a weird guy. But sleep over sex every day, especially when I'm exhausted. And all this isn't to say I can't. The majority of the time, I can just get hard, semi-hard, and bang one out. But it might take a while because I'm not really horny, randomly turned on. So if you guys have any tips, I'd love to hear them. Tips.

It is interesting to think about that puts you from the perspective of, let's say it's your wife where the guys complain, we never have sex, and she's like, I'm fucking busy. I'm tired. You usually only think of it the one way. Which is fucking comment on fucking tits. I try just about anything at this point. If it means I can experience that stereotypical guy,

horny horniness. Second one is here from earthquake, flamethrower bus, vegetation, vasectomies. It's too many words. I don't think that we would done that. Can I say one real quick thing on that?

The, I, I often wonder though, like what if, what if you didn't have a sec drive? Like maybe you'd be able to get more stuff done. Like that's not the driving force yeah you change your whole life if that's not yeah you're like i don't like not don't care he's likely a better person than all of us are he's elon musk yeah uh anyway so vasectomies i got mine at 26 fuck no to kids they don't knock you out

that's why he's not horny just some shots and boy do they work i didn't feel a damn thing it is kind of weird funny how casual it is i had an older dude doc and two young female assistants just casually talking through it and occasionally asking uh me how i was doing while i was just chilling with my nuts open and my wife watching in horror really easy and quick procedure though recovering. Recovering is mildly uncomfortable. More so, just annoying not being able to go work out for a while. But once the healing is done, you have

to ejaculate a lot in a short time frame to clear the pipes! Wow, that sounds pretty awesome. So that part wasn't bad. Hope the read wasn't too long and you guys didn't decide to take edibles before reading it. Yeah, we just chose two of the longest emails ever No, you didn't say that but too long somewhat interesting at least curious to hear your thoughts and you're possibly broken son James

You're not fucking broken James. So shut up. Yeah, you don't need to be fixed But I He wants to feel that he is fixed. Yeah, that's's true. But maybe what he really wants is to feel that ravage. Yeah. And maybe, yeah, not everybody has that. For me, like, I kind of lost it. And he said, like, he's got his levels test and, like, his testosterone was fine. For me, my testosterone was super low.

And so I take testosterone now. And it really has changed everything. Now you just want to fuck. No. Yeah, fuck. I mean, I can fuck. I can fucking cum 13 times a fucking day. But I'm not fucking crazy about it.

I'm not going to fuck your hat, Brian! Oh, we know that. It wouldn't work. Yeah, but I can still cum. But I can cum a bunch. But it's also drive. It wouldn't work. Yeah, but I could still cum. I could cum a bunch, but it's also drive. It's energy. It's focus.

Basically, I tried a bunch of antidepressants for years before I did the testosterone thing. Then I did that and I fucking cried. I'm sure I talked about this. I cried. The next fucking day after doing the shot, I fucking cried. I'm sure I talked about this. I cried like the next fucking day after doing the shot. I fucking cried.

I was like, oh my God. I was like, this is, this is, that was it. That was it. It wasn't fucking pills. It was just my levels. And that really did change it for me, but that's not going to work for everybody. Um, I don't know what the answer is, James. I think that maybe you can go back and get your testosterone levels checked again

Uh, it sounds like you're doing okay. You're married second, but he's married doctor And they just like suck. They're like we'll we'll test your testosterone and they just sucked hair out of your butt Yeah, that's it and shot it into super cuts reverse Reverse the pump and just blast it into some fucking mirror For a wig Classic supercuts Am I right? Super wigs Big hair

Big hair in bed with big rubber Dude they cut the hair and get paid for it Send it over to get shoved up someone's butt Then get the hair back And then get to sell it again And then has enough glue on it And they just put it in a ball and put it on Karen's head. They make twice the money because they get the same.

No buts about it. Well. Still got it. The butt doctor's got to take a cut though. Well, he's already got a cut. I mean, split down the middle. It's fucking good. Oh, yeah.

Split it 50-50. Still got it. I'm just hamming it up yeah oh yeah no but james go i mean figure it out if you're worried about it i'm not going to tell you any sort of medical advice but if you've done the testosterone thing and it's not working don't feel bad you haven't felt that drive you're married and you're busy and you're working your ass off and you're being healthy so it's not just about fucking i mean i get like wanting to understand what that feels like but just because you don't feel that way it doesn't mean that that there's no other way to do life and it sounds like you're doing

a pretty good job james so hats off to you yeah don't worry about it your life's probably better without your fucking dick getting in the way so my dad always said yeah you you my dad said two things life is better when your dick doesn't get in the way and my dad always said yeah you you my dad said two things life is better when your dick doesn't get in the way and you don't have brain cancer there's a tooth in the ponytail thing but i i mean that's not important that doesn't pretend to this but those are the things that my dad. Just imagine all these ponytails being cut off and shoved up someone's butt. Horse. You just walk up, snip, shove.

Snip, shove. See you in a week. Wig. What's the turnaround on this wig? One week. Super cuts. That's a special. It's like, we'll get you a wig in one week.

His wig smells like shit. One week wigs. It's kind of his wig smells like shit one week wigs it's kind of like the three hour photo super wigs the the when he said wigs in a week wigs wig an hour and they just shoot the hair through the floor and the doctor's like god damn it like it has nothing to do with me but he has but he has part of his contract to uphold right like it has nothing to do with anything that you he has part of his contract to uphold. Right. Like, it has nothing to do with anything that you're like, my throat is sore. He goes, let me shove this hair up your butt. You're like, how's that going to help?

I know I have something. So I think I got hair in my throat. I have white dots on the back of my throat. Okay, let's get this ponytail up your ass. You're like, what? Hairball. He shoves it up there, takes it back out, and goes, anyway, so what would you say about your throat?

You just made someone really happy. Alright, guys, that's our fucking two-year. We're gonna keep pushing through. I am high. I wanna eat cereal. Sign up on Patreon, do whatever you want. Uncle Zach, fucking love you. No one cares anymore

You guys want to hear The ending joke? Alright Zach go Go Good God Wrap it up already huh He took too long

This isn't even a joke When you're high Doesn't it feel like Things just go on And on forever Yeah Like this show? Like my life.

You know, kind of like your life. Kind of like your life. This could have ended a while ago. Could have got out of here before all this shit happened. What did you say with your tiny hat? Hey, real quick. Okay. What?

Can You Don't cards, June 19th. Oh, yes. Wednesday, June 19th. We're going to have them for sale. Oh, man. And there will be a metal card, so it'll take a few weeks because we have to so that's a week from now when this comes out right yep okay so we can promote it again yep next week yeah i'll bring a graphic when brian doesn't show up with edibles please sorry about that oh it's brian's fault oh i'm wearing a fucking hat oh i'm sweaty okay no so here it's not even a joke ready here

we go uh look at that i look like a horn now oh i can't look at you the longest hiccup spell ever i look like the cartoon after they get hit in the head and the lump comes out of her head you look like the cactus. Go grab the cactus. That's what you look like. You can reach it. Get over there, you little fucking silly spaghetti noodle. Oh, shit. God, I want to jerk off a toothbrush.

Look at... Twins. Twinsies. Hold your beak up. It's too limp. I got to get it hard. Okay. Anyway, sorry. So the longest hiccup spell lasted a whopping 68 years?

Yeah. Fuck that! That's hell on earth. That is awful. I would rather anything, really. I'd rather have to jerk off a fucking thermometer. To get it to work? You're like, what's the temperature?

Hang on a second. You're so sick and your doctor is jerking off a thermometer? Just give me a second. Oh, man. Look at that. That is perfect. Told you it was cool. To over-earth showing.

Does he move? Look at the bottom. Turn the bottom on. Does it work yet? Yeah, it's just been charging it. Oh, flip it farther. Flip it farther. Oh.

Flip it farther. Fuck me. Fuck me. Oh, flip it farther. Fuck me. Okay, perfect. Oh, fuck me good. Fuck me.

Oh, fuck me good. Fuck me. Nice. Yeah. I love a pickle. I love a pickle and a cowboy hat. Yeah. All right, moving on.

That's what my dad always said. That's what my dad always said. He said five things. Five things. Ponytail, brain cancer, toothbrush, jerk off, and fucking love a pickle in a cowboy hat. That's right. All right. It's like the Ten Commandments.

Close. More like the Ten Demandments. Right. All right. Bye. Bye, guys. Too high guys Too high Too hot