Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Grand Opening. Baby Nuggets. Spittoon. Saran Wrap.

Episode Date: December 11, 2024

Would you pay someone money to call you 'bro' online? How about steal from your family and drain your entire life savings to get someone to call you 'bro' online? Let's talk about that, having to eat babies, a new drink that supposedly tastes just like mayonnaise, getting pregnant by using the air vent while in prison, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/4LDtLX4-LtcSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Grand Opening. Baby Nuggets. Spit-Tune. Saran Wrap. Episode 130, nice and round! Can't believe it. You feel it? you feel the roundness of this episode yeah it's super round it's like a perfect circle this guy coming in with that uh the plastic tree the fake tree has been planted i just want to make sure everyone wasn't just left out about that everyone went over the like just i think it was might have been on thank no it was not on thanksgiving because i was not fucking here but i think it was the day after because we got back on friday of last week as we record this and uh it's in the ground complete with the this side up sticker and it's been decorated for the

holidays do you think any animals are gonna eat it climb? Climb up and be like, I'm going to eat these leaves. Only running the risk of Roger T. Hat. Our old squirrel friend Roger biting a fake leaf and getting pissed off about it. But I just want to give you guys an update on that. Reminder that you can gift Patreon subscriptions to Can You Don't Podcast. Can You Don't Podcast. Can You Don't Podcast. Head over to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast.

That's where you sign up, pick whatever tier is right for you. But then also, if you feel a little givey, you can give a subscription this holiday season. A little givey Giverton. Mr. Giverton.

All additional content on the back end of today's episode. You can go back through the catalog where we started doing the bonus content on the back end of today's episode. You can go back through the catalog where we started doing the bonus content on the back end and there's just hours and hours and hours of shit you've never heard if you do not support us on Patreon. So consider it. Give us a consideration. Is that a new song? What?

You just played? No, that's the high school reunion one. Yeah, that's the one. The end was like... I don't usually let it get that far. Oh. Oh. This early?

I thought I turned off the reader. Who would be calling now? Should I pick it up? What if it's the screen guy? Or I know what you did last summer, guy. Hello? I know what you did last summer, Joe. Yeah.

Yeah, of course. Yeah, we do have a new merch giveaway. summer, Joe. Yeah. Yeah, of course. Yeah, we do have a new merch giveaway. Oh, there is. We're actually just about to talk about it right now on the show. Do you want to just listen in? Okay, great. I'm glad you asked. Can you put that on speaker?

No. I mean, I just, do you want to? Yeah, you're fine. Okay, I'm just going to hold it up here and we'll just talk about it. That's not weird at all. But between now and Christmas, if you buy anything off canyounopodcast.com, you'll be automatically entered for a chance to win. Make sure to tell them how much they're... $250.

Yeah. He says that. That's great. Oh, it's a he. Yeah. He said, he goes, I could really use $250. Well, yeah. Well, who can't?

So whatever you buy, if you buy a t-shirt or a shirt or anything else off the store, we're going to do this little wheel here that you see if you're watching the video version. I know you can't see it on the phone. I think the kids wrote penis or something. They wrote Lil Peepy. Yeah, Lil Peepy. Which is Pepper's nickname because they're initials. Well, it probably shouldn't be there for too much longer.

She's getting older. So you buy something and they'll have different sections on the wheel and if it lands on that section, then we'll go into the website and figure out who bought a sweatshirt or a t-shirt and then choose someone at random and that person will get $250. Who are you talking to now? Are you talking to me?

What's your name? Or the person on the phone? Literally everybody. This is a conference call. Party line, motherfucker. This is what it used to be like. This is how we used to do. Group text. He said that was too...

Sorry. I didn't mean to... Apparently it's too loud. Oh, well, yeah. There's no volume control. Yeah. Yes. You got that all?

Okay. Eat shit. Bye. Never got their name. Hope you're doing well? Okay. Eat shit. Bye. Never got their name. I hope they're doing well, though. Happy holidays. Anyway, so that merch giveaway is going on right now at canyadonepodcast.com. We have a flong on the show today.

Getting thick with that sweaty-ass hog. And I think the next thing to do is just to get going. I'm excited to ring that thing out. And I've got a little warning for you. This one's fucked up Zach! Hey, shut up Start the show already

Is there like a parental advisory? Yes There should be Deja Little peepee might be listening Deja has been trying to do Or get us to do this would you rather for it feels like fuck months now she sent it in through emails she's thrown it into patreon

because we answered questions she did smoke signals i got smoke signals and i would just close the airplanes with the with the tail behind the. Hey, daddies. Yeah, she flew it over. Beautiful. And she's been so persistent that we're going to do it. Love you, Deja. Fuck yeah. See that? You try hard enough, that's what happens in life. It's terrible, so buckle up. Would you rather eat babies or drink period blood?

How are the babies, first of all? Like newborn? Yeah, baby. Don't act like it's not different. A new gross. Squishy alien baby? Squishy alien baby versus like it's been home for a week and its eyes are kind of like they're looking at you. There's a difference.

There's a difference. Okay. Because I'd rather eat the nice baby in the towel. Or the, not the towel. Huh? Something that. With clothes on. It comes with a bib.

Yeah. It has a little, if it's swaddled. That's just a bib at that point. Yeah, it's like a little burrito. When does the baby turn into, what's the next stage? A baby to infant? Like, what's baby? Have you looked that up for me?

Baby versus infant. I'm going to do that. This is going to be an awesome video. If someone has made an animation of baby versus infant. The main difference between a baby and an infant is their age range. Okay. Of course. Thank you, Google.

A term that usually refers to a baby up to two to three months of age. Okay. Toddler. No one cares. One to three years old. I'd just kill a toddler. They're going to have to eat it. The term infant usually refers to a baby from birth to around one year of age.

Okay. So an infant, they just consider. A baby. So zero to one. That's the baby range. Or drink period blood. Pulp or no pulp? Definitely pulp.

Period blood is not just blood. You ever seen some period blood? Yeah. So I was just going to say, what's the difference between psychologically psychologically period blood and like let's say someone slits their vein on their wrist and starts drinking that the lining of the uterus yeah so is it fit like is it what's the consistency of it compared to like regular blood it's a bunch of stem cells right it's just a it's there's it's a little chunky yeah it can be a little chunky like a chunky soup it doesn't taste good that's a chunky soup. It doesn't taste good. That's the irony.

The other blood tastes good either, but iron? You get it. More irony than normal, I think. Here, you have your computer open. Go ahead. So do you. Yeah, but I have the script. You're already on the Google, right? Yeah, I've got baby versus infant. What else am I going to search? Blood versus period blood? Yeah. Regular blood?

Versus period blood. Versus Regular blood. Versus period blood. Versus period blood. Versus Hulk Hogan. Yeah. All the women out there right now are going, you guys are such men. We're all learning together. Consistency. Period blood is less concentrated than regular blood and has fewer blood cells.

Some doctors say that period blood should be somewhere between the consistency of Kool-Aid and ketchup. Yikes! Period blood can be pink, red, brown, or other colors, while regular blood is always red. Composition. Period blood is a combination of blood, uterine tissue,

mucus, and bacteria. Healthy period blood may contain small pieces of uterine lining or clots which are not usually a cause for concern unless you're eating unless you're debating between eating a baby or drinking a cup of blood then it becomes extremely relevant you remember when i was a kid i remember my mom bought us pudding But I didn't realize it was tapioca And I took a big bite And there were like chunks of it in there

And I like panicked I almost threw I remember like What the hell So it's probably like that If you were to slit your wrist You're like It's blood And they said in that article that the consistency of blood,

healthy blood is anywhere between Kool-Aid and ketchup. This isn't AI. It's Search Lab's AI overview. Can you imagine if you cut yourself? You're like, ooh, and then you squeeze it to get the blood, and it comes out as thick as ketchup? Oh, I'm just a healthy baby boy. There's no way that's, they couldn't,

because there's no way it would travel through your veins. It's just, you'd be able to hear it. Sludgy. Every pump, it'd just be like. The sound that, yeah, like when you squirt ketchup out, you're like. This is just my blood pumping. Sometimes if you don't mix up ketchup or mustard or something, you know, you spray it and it's like, comes out a little watery. Yeah, pre-cum.

That's probably what it's, that's probably what period blood's like. Oh. Update the AI. Yeah. Wikipedia. The doctors have spoken. Uh-huh. WebMD.

Yeah, mucus, pinkish, reddish. It's weird that there's a mayo clink in this conversation because, you know, mayo. Mayo, ketchup. You know what I mean. Condiments. And then you throw a condom in there too now we have to because deja either purposefully left this out how much period blood and then what's the situation the same amount of caloric okay picturing like um you know the movie movie Alive with the rugby players, right? Wasn't it rugby or was it soccer? But they crashed in the mountains and they had to start eating each other to survive.

No? I remember, yeah. Yeah. I think it was soccer. Soccer? It could be rugby. It was Argentinian, I think. Yes, it was.

It was. And they crashed and some people died and then they had a whole debate, but they had, you know, had to start eating the dead people So in that situation you would be crazy if you started drinking period blood Like that would be like hey you want some of this you're like no good you want some of this They hand you a hand you a leg bone. Yeah, I'm good. Like do like you'd be a crazy person they'd be like nope pass the period blood some people like juice though like they don't want to they don't like to eat the fruit they like the juicer juiced babies so you just juice the baby or juice the baby

put the period blood into a popsicle freeze it it. Yeah. And then you just lap it. And there's chunks of uterine wall in there. That's just added fun. I mean, how much period blood? Because it can't just be a drop, or else obviously you'd just pick that. It's got to be like a 20-ounce pop. 20-ounce? No, I mean, I'm saying, no, it's got to be at least. What?

I mean, if you're eating a full baby, a baby's, unless it's a preemie. Well, how about we say a preemie baby? One that's just undercooked? Undercooked preemie baby. Still probably 2,500 calories. Do you like your baby well done or medium? Yeah. It did say eat babies.

I think we have to dial this back. Are we eating it raw? We should just eat a baby. Do we have to kill the baby, then eat it? No, you just have to eat this back are we eating a raw let's just eat a baby do we have to kill the baby then eat it no you said it is it's just it's magic it showed up and there's two things sitting there magic there's a dead baby and there's a there's a fucking whatever a vat a 24 20 ounce glass of period blood are you going to cook that baby up just the way you want it? You've always wanted it. Or are you going to drink the period blood?

So I think I can answer this. Okay. I've said before that if the animal that I'm eating looks like it did when it was alive, I have a hard time eating it. Like if it has eyes still. They just throw a lobster on the flames and cook it. It's like sometimes i'm like but if i just see like chunks of meat in a bowl so let's say the baby comes

like baby nuggets yeah if the baby if they took if someone if chef nero shaped like stars or uh what's his name the bam guy emerald agassi whips up this baby and slices it into different things, but still the same amount of baby, but it's cooked up. I'm going with that. Yeah. Probably wouldn't even know the difference. But it has a picture right next to the... Where it came, free range baby? Uh-huh.

Shows the mom that birthed... Grass-fed baby? First of all... Your dinner was called Amy. Yeah. Oh, God. Little Amy. Grass fed baby First of all Your dinner was called Amy Oh god As soon as you humanize it It just makes it so Grass fed baby

First of all This baby needs milk Yeah Who's feeding this baby grass? I guess I'm picturing a field of babies Crawling around Eating grass He wouldn't be a lawn mower

A cowboy looking over the fence watching his babies eat grass. Yeah. That's a plump baby over there. Takes a sip of period juice. In a little coffee cup. He's like, early rise.

Oh my god, dude. Picture on a farm with some cowboys and they have different pastures and they're herding the babies that are now one years old over to the toddler. The toddler stage. And then that was just chaos. Splashing water.

All right. Hey, boss, can I get another hand over here at the toddler corral? They were like pigs and shit over here. God, look at them. They're just like pulling each other's hair, biting each other. Hey, knock it off. Cattle prod. I mean, you'd want your meat to be in good shape.

You don't want battered meat. That's why, like, if you kill an animal, it's like you got to kill them before they know it. That way, because it changes the meat once they know they're gonna die i think just to continue on with life and not eating a baby i'm just gonna pound the period blood probably throw it up you're probably gonna choke on the chunks though that's all right i've choked on worse oh you drink it through a straw and like you know when you drink like Let's say you drink like orange juice through a straw And the pulp's getting stuck in the straw You have to spit it back out of the way

Like a smoothie It's like mucus in uterine wall Gets stuck in the straw You have to suck extra hard And then You get the crazy straw that makes the sunglasses you did warn us I know

do you remember Killer Clowns from Outer Space the movie I remember it but I never saw it so the whole thing was they would wrap up humans they would wrap them up in cotton up humans they would capture and wrap them up in cotton candy and they would hang them in the spaceship so whenever they were hungry or

they would have a silly straw and they'd go in there and go they'd jam it in the the cocoon and they would suck the they would drink the blood out of the out of the out of the cotton candy cocoon gotcha so just picture in that, like you're just sucking up period blood through the, you're seeing it go through the little thing. You're like, it's going around your eyes and there's just mucus. And if it's not, I mean, how much period blood to fill 20 ounce glass? Maybe that's a few different, that's got to be a bunch of different people. Or it's just, it's less than that, but it's period, but straight from the source.

So now you're just lapping it out of a out of a Let's say it's a bunch of women working together where they're cycling together. Sure. And they're just, like a gym? Yeah, you go from, you just go around Yeah.

You just go around Like a spin class So you menstruate and they grab their tampon And just go and wring it out Or you just stick a silly straw right inside the vagina So anybody that's farmed Knows if you can suction the pipe And it's the way to get You don't need power

To water your crops You just take a little pipe and you take it down there and water comes out. It's the same thing. You take a little silly straw, you're like. Yeah, siphon. You siphon it and then it. So it's just like a manual siphoning out. Anyway, I think I was going to drink the blood so I don't have to eat a baby.

Anybody else? Same. Conclusion. All right. If the baby gets to be chopped up into pieces and cooked i think i'm going with the baby okay like dino nuggets but baby but if i have to kill them if i have to like strangle the baby no thanks and and and then start cutting i can't believe we're talking about this don't blame us blame deja yeah she wanted it you got it was it everything you've ever wanted all right moving off what are

you thinking about zach roll it hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? You know, I'm thinking about right now is my mom from time to time. We'll be like, Oh, are you, how's the podcast going?

It's not eating babies. And, uh, Oh, you are. What day do you record? I guess if she's coming or whatever. And like,

if she knew that we were having that conversation, cause she doesn't listen to the show. She would never ask when you're recording again. I'm glad my mom's dead. Whoa. Jesus Christ. Just for this. And other things.

That took a turn. And let's see if we can take this further. I'm glad my mom's dead. I can't let her down anymore. That's right. That is one way to look at it. At least I can't disappoint her anymore.. That's right. That is one way to look at it. You're like, at least I can't disappoint her anymore. Yeah.

Then I already have. Then I already have. She died very disappointed, so it's all right. Aw, congratulations. Thanks. It'll be a lifetime of sadness and wonder. Tell my deathbed. Yay!

All right, Brian, what were you thinking about? This is something that's been on my mind for for a while okay and i just kind of asked myself all the time then i asked my wife once but i've never never looked it up to see or have talked to about it with anybody okay um would you rather eat a baby or drink period yeah yeah that's just what you just keep going well i would turn the show off You know what I'm thinking about? I haven't thought about that enough So I want to do it For another hour

I think we should do another 20 minutes of that No What I was thinking about Was just how How are there so many Fucking mattress stores? Yeah

Good question And not just like One chain Like they're mattress I see mattress firm Oh yeah Mattress outlet Mattress land Good question. And not just like one chain. Like their mattress, I see Mattress Firm. Oh, yeah. Mattress Outlet. Mattress Land.

Mattress Land. Mattress Land. Yeah, dude. Mattress World. There's got to be a Mattress World. Those are just, those are three. Mattress Land. Mattress Land.

That's the, yeah. But that's just three, that's just three mattress store branches right there take a look uh and i see i see many stores of just mattress land or mattress firm all over the city and that's just three of them and then you have furniture stores you have all these different stores who all have mattresses inside them. Yeah. And any time I've ever been in one of those stores, there's like one guy in there. Hello. Hello.

Joe, would you like a mattress, Joe? And when you lay down, I'll show you pictures of Yellowstone National Park. But I get there's probably like crazy profit margins or something like that. Yeah, absolutely. But still. Just like cars. It seems like you're alluding to money laundering. I'm not implying anything.

It sounds kind of like that. But how does three mattress sales equal the entire year profit? Because there's like four or five dudes working in the store, no one shopping, and they're getting commission. So where is this money going to? Because once you buy a mattress, you have it for 10 years. Plus they're always doing sales. Fourth of July sale. Every weekend.

Every weekend. Yeah. One of my favorite. This was a long time ago now, but it was a real thing. I forget the name, but it was a mattress store. And it must have been by our old work, because we both worked in radio and TV broadcasting. And I would drive by it a bunch, and they seriously had a going out of business sale for like two fucking years. Like, I don't know the legality of that.

We're going out of business in like years it was up there forever there should be a there's a grand opening and it just and like it's like dude you guys have been grand opening for a year you grand opened and then you decided to close down yeah for four six year cycle going out of business sale and i'm not i'm not exaggerating it was at least a year of going out of business sale and i'm not i'm not exaggerating it was at least a year of going out of business like you guys drew that line pretty quick like that would be like something you'd like okay sorry guys this is it this is the month we're running out of our cash flow we're it's not a business model we're going to get rid of all the inventory just so we cut our losses and these motherfuckers were just going out of business for a year so i don't know what

was going on that doesn't seem like that should be legal i i feel like there's a simple like if someone's listening right now and and is going in their head is screaming at us because they're like well the the reason is is because the you have the corporate and it's it works itself out but it's like but still how there's no one ever buying them I've never seen anybody Anytime someone's moving, they're always transporting Their old mattress On top of their car or whatever When was the last time you bought a mattress?

Well When I got divorced, Brian Okay, but how many times have you been divorced? One time, Brian When was the last time you bought a mattress for that? Before I was divorced, Brian. When was the last time you bought a mattress for that? Before I was divorced, Brian. How many mattresses have you bought in your lifetime?

Since you've been an adult. I've only been an adult since you moved out of your house. Since I moved out? Do we count college? I don't think I bought shit. How old were you when you bought your first mattress? I think I've bought three mattresses. And that's probably...

Since leaving college. So from then until now. So maybe three mattresses in the last 15 years. Yeah. So every five to 10 years. Five to 10 years and one was forced upon. Yeah. Let's say...

Yeah, right. I got to start over. Listen, we can't cut this mattress in half. My wife and I have bought... You get the mattress every other weekend. When we... I had one bed... I had one bed when I was a child.

And then when I got older, I had the same mattress, but I inherited my dad's old water bed. So I had like a gap of six inches on either side because it was still the same mattress but i inherited my dad's old water bed so i had like a gap of six inches on either side because it was still the same mattress all the way through school and then i took that bed to college and then i slept on that and when i moved out so i think i bought my first mattress maybe like 25 when i moved in with amber we a queen mattress, and then we bought a king less than five years ago. So I bought two mattresses in my... I'm 41 years old. I bought two mattresses.

Okay. Alright. How are they staying in business? Because there's only so many fucking... It's the same vibe as a car dealership. Right? It's like, why you guys got all these fucking cars here? You really think tomorrow 80 people are coming in for an F-150? car dealership right it's like why you guys got all these fucking cars here you really think tomorrow 80 people are coming in for f-150 and they all have to be different colors like there's

so that's why i'm saying it's probably an easy answer same thing when you go in especially in like not giant towns i was blown away this little quick side note but doing some car shopping not too long ago with cassie and we were over in Seattle and I was, it was like, everyone was just fucking hanging out and there was like 20 customers in this fucking place. And I've never seen that in my life. Usually you go and you're, you are the prey and you, you're walking the door and he was like, and you just see all their heads pop up from their cubicle and be like, get them.

Send them the one with all the doors! Like, get him! Do you like the one with the white interior? He's like, no, I can see it in his eyes. They're like fighting over each other. He wants the block inside! You're like, what do you want? How much money do you have?

Do you have it with you now? Give me a bag of money! It's the end of the month! It's the end of the month. It's the end of the month, and I need a bag of money. And you're like, Jesus. So that's like, you're used to that, where you're the only person that's in there. Maybe you and one other person. Never more.

Ever. You're either alone, or there's somebody else. That's it. It doesn't get packed in a car dealership or a mattress store. So I'm leaning towards, it has to be outrageous markups. Absolutely. There's no way you're telling me

this motherfucking bag of fluff that I lay on, you put a thousand dollars worth of fucking fabric and squishy in it? And you paid five grand for it. Get the fuck out of here. There's no way

that it costs that much. So it's got to be insane markup, which means that they have to sell, like, on average, one a day. They sell two and champagne is popping in the back room on a used mattress. I just find it hard that there's an average of one a day being sold. That's how high the markup is. That's how people are going. That many people are mattress shopping. We're doing it.

Just piecing it together right now. Because we have covered this on the show. The tag that's on the mattress that says don't rip it off and we've covered that it's not for the person that bought it. That's for the people that are selling it because they used to just stuff them with whatever the fuck they wanted and mark them way up. Crack.

Right? So they have to leave that tag on there that says what is in the mattress so that they can't keep on being sleazy with their giant sleepy pillow. So that is what's going on. These things caught, these are dirt cheap to make. They mark them way the fuck up so they barely have to sell shit to make it. That seems so ill... Don't sleep on the mattress door.

You know what I mean? They know what they're doing. They might also have customers like the government so they might also sell beds to the submarine guys or something too. And then just keep stuff open for the rest of the year. So they're making they're making their yearly nut in uh in one order of a in submarine bunks and submarine bunks yeah you

thought mattresses were expensive for us imagine how much they charge the government imagine how much they cost underwater i i get the idea that there's probably i feel like there's probably some mattress company that's owned by the government that they buy them from themselves. That type of deal. They make them just for submarines. And then they sell them so they're shell companies and all that shit. That would be the smart thing.

But what we've learned, that's not what the government does. The smart thing? Never. True. Unless it's about spying. 8,000% the cost because it's just money they don't care about. What I want to know is how much, like, is this the biggest scam in the history of scams? As far as, like, is this the biggest markup there is? Out there?

Yeah. I don't know. Beauty products have to be close. I mean, perfume. How much does it cost to make a fucking thing of perfume i get that but that's being that's a thing that's being consumed where it's like every day you go buy more makeup because you're using every day you run out a mattress is just something you're laying on i know but sleep is so important it is but they're they're expensive and mattresses aren't cheap

that's what's crazy is like you everyone wants a nice mattress but everyone's like i don't want to spend five grand on a mattress well we can but that's what's happened but if you buy it with this nightstand for the five years zero interest and all this talk does remind me of uh a discussion from an earlier can you don't episode man it could be it could be fucking two years ago now i think it was because i was mattress shopping and i it reminded me of how funny that is where you go in and there's a representative that follows you around and you just like lay down on it yeah what do you think and they just stand there and stare at you it's like you like kind of rub your hands to the side you're like pretty good letter room they're like pretty good huh you're like okay well here come check this one out and then you just like you like kind of rub your hands to the side you're like pretty good butter room they're

like pretty good huh you're like okay well here come check this one out and then you just like go yeah well and then they walk you over there and they just watch you lay down on another one you sit there and go pretty good so i learned at a really young age i don't i i was like i went to a wedding when i was a kid and and I was like, I never want to have a wedding where I'm standing up there and people are watching. And same thing, I hated getting... Close your eyes. I hated getting sang to. Okay. Sung to.

Sang to at my birthday party because I never know how to react. Everyone's going, happy birthday. And everyone's looking at you, singing at you. And you're just like... Don't laugh. You're like... You just stare. you're waiting for it to be over. And then when you open your presence, everyone's like,

how's he going to react? And you're going to be like, Oh, so that's been a fear of mine. It's like a, it's just an irrational one. I fucking hate it. Um,

so same thing. Like you go to a mattress store and you got to feel like you got to play it up for the guy. He's like, what do you think? He's like, you're like, like a rocking to a mattress store and you got to feel like you got to play it up for the guy. He's like, what do you think? He's like, you're like, like a rocking chair. And you're like, we were talking about going in there and just plowing your wife. Yeah.

In front of the sales guy. And he's like, yeah, that'll work. Just bouncing the headboard off their wall. Yeah. This isn't going to work for us. Yeah. Zip your pants up. Pretty rough.

Anything else? Yeah. We'll go down here and check this one out. You just have to untie your wife. Well, yeah, if you buy this, we'll throw in cushion. A handcuff and a mirror. It's a ceiling mirror. We'll put a ceiling mirror and these handcuffs in if you buy this $10 million bed set.

Sold! I do love the idea. What if there was just a mattress Or like a mattress store that was Sexually charged like that You'd go in there And it's like Come in and try it out There's no penetration but it's like

Dry humping you like everyone's just like Fucking pounding And the guy's like yeah you're really giving it to her You think that'll hold up Let's try this position Try the old ostrich on top The Russian ostrich Pounding the guy's like, yeah, you're really giving it to her. You think that'll hold up? Now let's try this position. Yeah, try the old ostrich on top. The Russian ostrich.

What's that? Let me show you. Yeah, here, let me. So you stand over there. You stand over there in this bed. Can you rotate the bed? Does it have the wheels on the bottom? Of course it has the wheels on the bottom.

Remote controlled? Yeah, he's like. Spins up. Okay, there's the ostrich. You can keep her tied up. Keep her tied up. You just step over there. I'll show you how to do this. We're just going to set this bed on fire, tie it to the ceiling.

I'm going to go get my Russian friend. And then you put this ostrich costume on. The sales rep is just standing there watching your wife burn while she's tied to the ceiling wearing an ostrich costume. I don't know. I don't know. This isn't going to work for me. I have to run away because I'm going to prison. So, no deal. It know this isn't gonna work for me i have to run away because i'm going

to prison so no deal it's just not gonna work for me um anyway yeah a lot of mattress stores so next time you're in one in one think about it yeah and like i said that was just three brand three companies that we mentioned and that i've seen multiple stores in this city that's just three of them there's tons of local ones, too. Oh, yeah, the local. And, like, the furniture and mattress? Get out of here. And the mattress outlet, or, like, just the fucking shitty outlet stores that sell... Mattresses that didn't make the big times.

Yeah. Never made it to the big leagues. Couldn't cut the mustard. Got stuck in the farm league. Yeah. Could never win the big one. Yeah. But, yeah, so... got stuck in the farm league yeah could never win the big one but yeah so i don't someone i'm sure someone has all the knowledge in their brain right now and is yelling at us so if write write us an

email and explain it if you know the answer explain it tell us why because i don't want to look it up i just want to be told nice yeah love that for you yeah i mean sometimes that's easier someone that's really that's we just listen to zach for economics that's right i don't want to figure it out he's just like oh communism and it's great and blah blah and we're like all right all right all right commie all right let's move off to our flong. Yeah. Rip it. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. One movie quote comes to mind when I read the headline of this article.

Okay. And it is by Jeff Goldblum. That was a weird way to say his name. Saying, life will find a way. Or life finds a way. Jurassic Park. And here's the headline. Florida inmate has miracle baby by using air vent to get pregnant.

What? Like Virgin Mary? Like Virgin Mary. Whoa! What are these? As I read this, just keep in mind that it says miracle and like Virgin Mary. Okay? Is there a holy air vent?

I haven't read that part of the Bible. No, no, no, no. Not yet. Okay. Murder suspect Daisy Link gave birth to her, quote, miracle baby after becoming pregnant with another murder suspect's baby behind bars. Guys, this is going to be great. You love it?

An accused killer claims she got pregnant with another inmate's baby in the Florida jail. Whoa, what? Florida? Yeah, weird. After he passed his semen in plastic wrap through an air conditioning vent. To keep it cool? Who says romance is dead? Yeah, chivalry is not law.

Daisy Link, 29, is being held at the Turner-Golford Night Correctional Center for an alleged murder of her husband back in 2022. She killed him because he... Babe, I'm not going to come in the plastic wrap. For me? No. Then fuck you! Link gave birth to a baby

girl in June. The child's father, inmate Juan De Paz, paz 23 impregnated her without even meeting her in person isn't that joan what i say one oh because i was gonna make a one i gotta clean i have this i have i gotta clean the screen as much as you had you had one job i know what i was gonna say got it. And he successfully did it. Link said that she and DePez began a romantic relationship after speaking to each other through air conditioning vents in their cells. Things have gotten serious really quick. Are you guys talking to each other through air conditioning vents?

It's like you got to get with the breeze, like you want to fly with the jet stream. I can't hear you. You have to wait until the air switches. Switch direction. You whisper and it blows it back into your own face. You're just like, hey, you want to fuck? And he goes, fuck, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It hits you in the face again.

She didn't get the message. Why do you keep repeating the same questions I'm asking? Why do you keep repeating the same questions I'm asking? Why do you keep repeating the same questions I'm asking? They devised a plan to have a child after DePaz expressed his desire to become a father. The pair reportedly tied bed sheets together, attached the semen and plastic wrap to it, and sent it through the vents and into their cells. What? I put the semen and saran wrap every day, like five times a day for like a month straight.

Like DePez said. Or DePez told. WVSN! Ah, yeah, gotta know who the source is. He would kind of roll it up almost like a cigarette. And he would attach it to the line that we had in the vent. And he would pull it through. From there, I had placed it inside of a yeast infection applicator.

I had placed it inside of a yeast infection applicator. I had placed it inside of there. And then from there, I administered it. Can I say one thing before we continue? Mm-hmm. I think, fuck college. Like, you should go to prison. That's where you learn how to... That's where you learn, like...

They are the craftiest motherfuckers. If everyone was supposed to go to college just ended up in prison they just turn that place into a frat house yeah but it's like you you hear the ingenuity of some of these inmates like the stuff that they're doing the way that they smuggle stuff in or the way they do things is like they think outside the box outside the cell it's crazy some of the stuff that they come up with. Toilet wine. But you'd come up with it too if you didn't have to fucking you could just come inside a vagina.

But in this case you gotta come inside some saran wrap. I think everyone needs a little bit of hardship. Everyone needs to come in some saran wrap tied to a bed sheet. Take it through an air vent and shove it in the vagina. But see we take for granted that all we have to do is just come in a vagina. You know what I mean i get you like they they didn't have that luxury

so the if i know people are worried the baby is being cared for by link's family okay uh missing link here's the last thing link said the child was a blessing and a miracle baby using the word miracle a little loose when you're putting cum right where it's supposed to go. Like, I don't know if that qualifies as a miracle. Like, I have no idea how I got pregnant. What were you doing? Shoving cum in my vagina.

Then pen clicked. Yeah. The guy, they have someone from the church, like going to investigate, like, okay, so you're telling me you had a miracle baby and clicks clicks his panties, ready to write it down. Yeah, some guy was coming in saran wrap and feed it to me through the vents, and I shoved it in my vagina, and he's like. It's the cop that was taking your. Yeah, he's like, that'll be all. He goes, that's not a miracle.

I have all I need. That's exactly where that's supposed to go. It's a little unorthodox, but still. But still, not a miracle. Not a miracle. Um, and then imagine being that kid eventually growing up and realizing that you were conceived by your dad coming in saran wrap, tying it to a bed sheet, feeding it through the air conditioning and your mom using it, using a yeast infection applicator to shove it inside

a vagina. Which hopefully didn't have a yeast infection left in it. Or whatever. Let's get this yeast infection out of here. Do you jam it up there? Like a shotgun shell? Yeah, do you jam it up there? Now it's infested with yeast.

I'm guessing it would normally have medicine that you would put in the applicator. But instead of medicine, she just put saran wrap with cum in it. And then she was, I'm going to assume she was, the child was conceived and delivered? Or did they take her to the hospital for that? Yeah, I don't know. Jail stuff. In the shower? Yeah.

I'm sure once she got pregnant, there's protocol to like, regardless of how it happened, you can't just, it's not the baby's fault so they got one how do they let's say let's say she's been in she's been in the clink for five years and all of a sudden she's pregnant like what everyone's got to be going well that's how they what yeah that's why they were like okay let's take a closer look and then they'll do the same thing what and that guy's just like yeah yeah. Well, what happened? Oh, yeah. I was just. I was jerking off in Saran Wrap five times a day.

Yeah. And then, duh. I didn't know they had co-ed prisons. That's kind of something new. Yeah. How have we not talked about that? I think different sides like a wall. So, like, they're supposed to not be talking.

But I'm guessing it is somewhat cost efficient to not have two separate buildings entirely built so you can share the plumbing and the electrical and all that kind of stuff to have them kind of joined but separate again i mean the ingenuity yeah there's some silver lining too where at least they know the child will know that the baby what he was wanted that's good yeah there's that they went to great lengths well they wanted the idea of the baby are they still in prison uh didn't say in the article they're like oh we just want to have a baby okay here you go no i don't want it i just wanted to have a baby with him and now you can do whatever get it out of here it's just a cool idea there's some people

down the street they were supposed to be eating babies or drinking period blood they could have bring it to their bar i have both, I've got both right here. Yeah, I'll feed it to you through the fucking air duct. I've been wrapping up my period blood in saran wrap for the last six years. Yeah, I've been sending it to him and he's been jerking off to it

and sending them to come back. It's a crazy barter system we have, but I'm pregnant. You got mucus and urine lining and semen, all the DNA everywhere. And he just trades me for cum. This is great.

What a great deal for me. Great relationship. Best relationship I've ever had. It's the most, it's the, it's, you know, I don't have to see him every day. I don't have to wake up. I don't have to see his furniture hanging on the TV or his clothes hanging on the TV. Talk to him when I want to talk to him. I just talk into the air vent.

He's not breathing really loud while he's chewing. You know, it's like, this is perfect for me. You know, and other reasons that I allegedly killed my husband. She's saying all the things that eventually, yeah, led her to kill her husband. I don't have to do any of that stuff. This guy's great. He just comes in a saran wrap bag and sends it through. Sends it through.

I don't even feel like fucking killing him. I have to picture those old, like, I guess they still use them. But the bank tubes, you know, where it's just like jerking off into one of the bank capsules. It's really quick. It's like, shut it up. He's like making sure he gets every last drop. He's like scraping it off. And then latches it shut.

He's like, all right, put it in your puss. All right, you got 30 seconds. Get it in there. I'm trying. This thing's huge. That's what she said. How's that yeast infection? How's that yeast infection?

Put the bank tube in your puss. I want to be a dad. It makes the same sound Going through the tube And coming out of a vagina Alright you wanna read Our next flung story That was fun

Alright grip it Alright This one's sad Chinese man sends 550k Worth of money dollars or Chinese whatever Chinese dollars

and family life savings to streamer so she'd call him bro God penises am I right they drive you to madness a man in China has raised eyebrows after using his family's life savings

and stealing hundreds of thousands to send to a live streamer. It's extremely common for fans of streamers to show appreciation for their content by sending them money, gifts, or subscribing to them. But one man in China took his obsession way too far. He's like, well, that's subjective. Bro. It's like, well, that's subjective. Bro. It's extremely... As reported by South China Morning Post, a man with the surname Hong...

Nice. Didn't see that one coming. ...became so enthralled with the streamer calling him brother... Brother. Brother. ...he ended up draining his family of their life savings to send her cash. The man even resorted to just eating

plain... The man even resorted to just eating plain steamed buns while sending everything he had to the unnamed creator. Eventually, his family cut off access to their funds and his buns. So Hong... So Hong He had to the unnamed creator. Eventually, his family cut off access to their funds. And his bonds. So Hong reported to breaking the law. Resorted to breaking.

That's a stupid thing, because a resort is where you go for vacation, too. To break the law, to acquire funds to send. There you go. Just a testament to penises, am I right? The lengths. The lengths. The lengths. I mean, and it's not even... What are you getting out of it?

You're getting someone calling you bro. This guy, this sad man. And the streamer, too. Do you guys want to finish reading some stuff? Or should we get into discussing? Yeah. The man who was making deliveries as part of his family's hardware business began stealing copper materials and sold the items to waste recycling stations.

Just the amount of effort. However, when a significant amount of copper went missing, a factory contacted the police, and Hong ended up turning himself in. It's either meth, or this dude just wants to be called bro. When the authorities showed they had evidence of his financial transactions, Hong confessed to 40 thefts. In total, he had stolen $316,000,

all of which he'd sent to the streamer. I didn't want to meet her, I just wanted to hear her call me brother. He claimed. Put that on his headstone? Yep. Here lies Hong. i didn't want to meet her i just wanted to hear call me brother what i'm pretty sure your dad said that at one point and totally he had sent the creator four million one

and which shocked the online community If you just want to hear her call you brother, why not record it and play it on repeat, one user asked. Because someone's not mentally there. Maybe you should see a psychiatrist, said another. That makes sense. This isn't the first time someone spent big money on a creator. In 2022, Twitch star Amaranth was sent 70k in cash, a new phone, and self-defense items from an anonymous viewer. And here's some brass knuckles you can fight off anyone who wants a new iPhone. It's kind of like that mentality of the boyfriend.

Like, here, I don't want you talking to anybody else. Yep. This is me. Yep. It's me and nobody else. So here's 70K, a new phone to text me. Just me. And some pepper spray.

There's one number in there. It's mine. If I see another number in there, we're going to have some fucking issues. I'm going to give you another 70K. There's a pair of nunchucks in there, too. Right. In case anyone tries to talk to you, just hit them in the face, okay? All right.

Love you. Have a good day at work. No, I'm not jealous. All right. Bye. What? No, I'm not jealous. How many times do I have to tell you?

I'm not jealous. No, I told you the thought of you seeing someone else is totally fine. Just don't fucking don't. Yeah, just don't let me see it. Just don't let me see it. And if I do, I'll fucking kill you. All right, bye. Whatever.

I don't understand why it's so weird. God, it's not that weird, dude. Therapist is like, all right. Well, wow, we're going to have to continue this tomorrow. Yeah, I'm going to up our sessions to every day. Three times a day. Three times a day because fuck bro fuck bro fuck bro um yep so okay what i was going to say was do you guys feel like or that the creator has any sort of wrongdoing in letting this person send it or they're that just comes down to purely their moral judgment

and if they're going to receive $550,000 when converted to US monies that's not on them. Someone else just gets to send the money and that's their money and they just found a honeypot so why would you not try to milk it? Or if you saw it and it was like and she was like teasing him

to do it until he'd send money and he'd be like brother! What if she said it like that too oh brother puts on like a puts on a fu manchu yeah brother and then takes it back off immediately yeah it goes building and shows money was sent she goes puts on a fu manchu brother and then takes it back off and is like, yeah! Yeah. Oh shit, I wasn't screen recording. I wasn't screen recording. Guess I'll send another 10k tomorrow. Or is she completely clear? Thoughts? Discuss. Brian, Zach, take it over.

We're in an era right now where OnlyFans is a thing and there are people like that Sophie chick that's been everyone's been talking about. She made $43 million in a year. And one of the dudes had sent her like $5 million. Okay.

And he was just, she's, you know. There's some need that he had. Yeah. And she fulfilled that need. So as long as the transaction was fulfilled and he got what he needed i guess it's okay it's not her her fault that he was stealing from the family and well that's turning in copper i don't think he probably didn't know that the streamer probably didn't know all that yeah but if she i mean well what happens when you

steal a guitar and then you sell it and then that person has a stolen guitar? Yeah. Do you give it back? Do you have a right to give it back? You paid for it. There's a question there, too. Are you talking about Joe's guitar? Yeah, I was going to say.

I borrowed. Can I have my seven string back? No, it's in the pawn shop. Are you trying to see what we think about you having Joe's guitar still? Having my guitar still and selling it to someone? No. Maybe. Fuck, Zach.

I'm just going to see how, i'm just gonna see how i'm gonna gaze their thoughts on this brother pawn shop dude it's fine yeah all right well whatever to pay off that ticket yeah whatever 300 bucks you got for it i hope it's worth it if he was saying like oh this is what i'm gonna have to do to get the money and the person was like oh yeah go do that that's pretty fucking, that's pretty shady. But at the same time, it's so weird. I don't want to judge someone how they make their living.

But from a moral standpoint, it's kind of like, it's pretty shady. I guess I agree with you. Because you're basically taking advantage of someone. But like I said, if that you take it because you're basically taking advantage of someone but like I said, if that person is getting what they're Yeah paying for then the train like you should be able to but you should be able to be a prostitute

You should be able to go out pay a prostitute Isn't it weird? Like if he was getting hand jobs, like I have way less of a problem with this if he was like Ruining and spending all that money and stealing from his family to go get a hand job yeah i mean i'm like you're like i get that because i want the urge to get a hand job brother that's what you're doing fucking say it you want me to say it yeah do you want me to put the mustache on? Broadway. He's like, come on. Ten more K. He's edging him.

Brownie. Just say it. Brothel. Brothel. Come on, you know I don't like anyone but you. Just say brother. Again though. So it's lean stories.

A little mental illness. Yeah, well, yeah. say brother again though so it's lean stories a little he yeah well yeah but at same time like if that's what his that if that's the way that he gets not gets off but like if that didn't say if that's what it was if that's what satisfies him is her saying it then what it doesn't matter what the thing what the cost is yeah it doesn't matter oh yeah because whether like if i i would love a hand job her saying brother doesn't do anything for me but if that guy's feeling of getting is like her saying brother is the equivalent of of me getting a good hand job it's like i get it i get that urge i get brother. I'd never pay for it, but I get it. I get it. Okay, I'm hoping that you haven't seen this article,

Brian. Okay, Joe. Have you seen it? I don't know, Joe. I haven't looked. Guess where we're going, and I think this is the first time and probably the last time this will ever happen. Welcome to Moses Lake, motherfucker. Oh, fuck yeah, dude. Yeah. Really? You haven't? No? No. Okay. Twelve-year-old

steals grandfather's car, drives 160 miles before getting stopped by cops. Woo! At a beautiful Moses Lake. The desert oasis. Washington. The home of the great blue heron, everybody. And the fountain.

I don't think there's any fountain pictures in the article, but we all know what the highlight of going to Moses Lake is It's not going to give that away You've got to pay for it There are a lot of flocks of birds flying various directions In Moses Lake Flying seagulls, doing joggle, the gooses So a 12 year old boy led police on a brief chase

Which wasn't much of a chase I will say this about 12 year olds in Moses Lake We started driving at a young age Driving tractor If you're out on a farm or something, you're driving tractor. That's right. You're in your dad's lap at a really young age. So by the time it comes around for you to take your driver's test, you've driven a semis.

You have your CDL. You don't even have your... You know what I mean? I don't take no tests. What the fuck am I doing here? Brief chase after driving his grandfather's stolen car More than 160 miles across Washington's mountains The chase

Which unfolded on Wednesday, November 27 So he drove to Seattle Seattle's 170 miles away from Moses Lake, so he got to like, mmm, Bellevue. He's like, he's probably like renting. Ended safely with the boy's arrest. The Grant County Sheriff's

Office reported the boy was apprehended in Issaquah. Oh, yeah. Informed them about the theft. Deputies were alerted that the boy, who had ties to Moses Lake, Fuck yeah, brother were alerted that the boy who had ties to Moses Lake. Fuck yeah, brother. Where are you from? I got ties to Moses Lake.

Might head toward the Grant County area. He's coming your way. Yeah, go get him. Acting swiftly, the sheriff's motor traffic unit located the stolen vehicle parked along a curb on Lowry Street in the Larson community. I know right where that is. Was it you? Around 10.20 a.m. As deputies approached, the young driver attempted to flee, but he couldn't reach the pedals.

I'm kidding. Initiating a short pursuit, the chase was brought to a safe conclusion near Randolph Road and State Route 17. I know where that is, too. That's where I used to drive my tractor. I bet you. When a deputy performed a precision immobilization technique, a pit maneuver.

Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. To stop the vehicle. Yeah, but knowing that there's a kid in there seems a little aggressive. Like, pull over or I'm going to ground you. I'm taking your Xbox away. Pull the fucking car over. You wouldn't do that.

You're not my dad. Yeah, I'm not. I'm the fucking Xbox away. Pull the fucking car over. You wouldn't do that. You're not my dad. Yeah, I'm not. I'm the fucking police. Oh. Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. Pull it over. Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet. It's a grand theft auto, Johnny.

That's what's crazy is he probably played a lot of that. He's in vigilante mode. So before being intercepted, the pre-team managed to drive the stolen car a staggering 161 miles, as reported by the Seattle Times. Thankfully, no injuries were reported during the incident, and the vehicle sustained only minimal damage from the fucking cop! There would be zero damage. The grandfather's like, you motherfucker. Yeah. He knows how to drive.

Yeah, yeah. I taught him myself. That's right. How there's so many spittoons everywhere. It's on every corner of the spittoon. He's just carrying one around. Uh-huh, like a little mini one. Pocket-sized spittoon.

He knows how to drive. Sir, please quit doing that. Doing what? Ding. It's a way of life around here. Who are you, rascally rabbit? We spit for the fountain, sir. Ding. And only the fountain.

You cops have no jurisdiction on the fountain. Missed it. Hey, no ding. Look at your shoe, copper. Why, you son of a... I polish those every night. He's just running full speed. The boy was taken to custody Authorities have charged him

With the suspicion of possession Of a stolen Suspicion Suspicion No he's in the car dude Suspicion Of possession Suspicion

He's sitting in it Yeah this is blatant We suspect He stole the car and he's just... No, you see. He's in it. Yeah. He's in it.

If there are 12 years in a car by himself, he took it. Yeah. And a felony for eluding. So how long does that felony stick with him? I don't know. But man, when I came across a Mosesoses lake article get out of here hell yeah brother of course that flongs dangling in here i've made that drive so many times too that um drive that when you start getting into the the we see the cities you're like fuck finally

going to the mayor's house yeah He probably couldn't see, though. He's probably freedom. Yes. He's holding one of those. Periscope? Periscope with the kid ones. The kid one, yeah. It's a kaleidoscope, too.

So it's all. He's like, ooh. He's driving. And the cop pulls him over and he fucking turns it. All right, pull over. And you see the cop. The cop's face over and he fucking turns it. All right, pull over. You see the cop's face staring at you. Oh, jeez. Squeak.

He tries to peel out. The cop's holding his head. Hold him still. Squeak. Son, you're grounded. That's funny. All right, heading over to a hooray we're not doomed. All right.

All right, fucking roll. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed. Yeah! Ding! So this is not in time for Thanksgiving, but it does revolve around Thanksgiving. And definitely got my brain going. Some niceness here by some people that needed some

food. Alaskan woman drops Thanksgiving turkeys from plane in an effort to feed neighbors who live off the grid. Were they frozen? Here you go. It's a bird. It's a plane. It's frozen turkeys! Who wrote this fucking thing? Photo is by Jacob

Kupperman. Who wrote it? Gil Marcius. Yeah, wrote it. Gil Marcius. Yeah, Marcius. Marcius. But Gil. Good job, Gil. There you go, Gil. Residents living in Squintina and West Sistina Valley, Alaska, were delivered their Thanksgiving turkeys in a very unusual way.

It's a common belief that turkeys can't fly. But it seems they do, at least in Alaska. Gil, move on from the jokes! You got your joke in, now we need the facts. Stop it! For the last three years, local pilot Esther Sanderlin... Whoa! Hello, horoscope.

I just got an ad for a horoscope. I wonder what I'm supposed to be today. Sanderlin has been dropping what the local news referred to as turkey bombs near her fellow Alaskan neighbors who live off the road systems. After hearing one of her newest neighbors talk about how squirrel meat would be their protein of choice for Thanksgiving dinner, a new personal mission was ignited. I was visiting our newest neighbor and they were talking about splitting a squirrel three ways for dinner. Squirrels go a long way these days. And how that didn't really go very far. Sanderlin told Alaska's NBC affiliate, KTUU, what do they call it, TUI.

What's their cool buzzword? How you want, did you turn on the TUI? And I just had a thought. Turn on the telly to TUI. To TUI. And I just had a thought. Turn on the telly to two-e. To two-e. And I just had a thought at that moment. You know what? I'm going to airdrop them a turkey for Thanksgiving because I recently rebuilt my first airplane with my dad.

And so I can do that really easily. Airdrops are a lot different than they used to be. I thought it would have been a phone. Send me some turkeys. I'll airdrop you some turkeys. All right, let me turn. Let me make sure I'm on for everyone but just imagining okay esther i love you this is great you're feeding families but imagine the wind picked up and took your butterball the wrong way

in a family like these guys are already struggling off the grid eating a squirrel and they're like all right everyone fold your hands fold your hands. And a fucking turkey comes through the roof. It's like a comet flying at you. Happy Thanksgiving! That would tear your house down. Just so scared. They got a big family. Just throw a couple more out there.

Your whole family's like crying and you're just trying to dodge from butterballs blasting through your roof, killing your cattle. Well, apparently, Squintina is, what, population 37? Okay. So it's a pretty small little... That's a big... I mean, I don't know.

I went through some smaller towns back in Thanksgiving. Population 11. Yeah, but up there in Alaska, it alaska that's a bigger it's got to feel a lot more remote that's true yeah because it's just frozen frozen tundra it's just covered ice but to have the idea to just be like well i'm not gonna i can't drive them out there and just fly by and you hear your turkey drop coming. Imagine the plane, you're just like, okay, here we go. Now. Not yet.

Hold. Yep. Hold. Now. Just tossing something out of an airplane that's frozen and heavy and two people. I mean, they can fly. Those planes could be barely off the ground. But you know what I mean?

It's just funny to think like you're trying to do something nice And you just blow out their fence With a fucking turkey And he's like god damn it If they couldn't afford a turkey they sure as hell can't afford to fix their fence Take it as shit Turkey hits the outhouse God

Nightmare You're welcome She just thinks she's being a hero That's the funny thing too It's just trashing people's just thinks she's being a hero that's the that's the funny thing too is like it's just trashing people's shit and she's like another great year yeah good year better head back home turn around behind behind her like trying to shoot her plane down she's back she's come back for more we told her no tur no turkeys. Like, right here? No. Don't.

No. No. Over there? Over there? And they're just like, shoot her down? Here you go. Fucking run. I mean, a small little town like that is what it has to feel like.

We're getting, we're in the middle of a fucking war right now. We're getting bombs dropped on our ass. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Turkey bombs. That sounds like a drink. Turkey bomb. Yeah.

It does. It does sound like a turkey bomb. That sounds disgusting, actually. It does. I'd try it. All right, moving on. Something I found on the interweb this week. Okay, Zach, will you do your part?

The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes!

That's awesome! So a couple of months ago or so, I don't know how I found it. But you remember when I found that 30 pound tub of mayonnaise that you can buy off the internet? Oh, yes. Read the reviews and it was like heavy mayonnaise. People were joking about how it doesn't weigh any more than normal mayonnaise. I don't know what's so heavy about this 30 pound tub of mayonnaise.

Extra uterine lining. And how they got it and it was already like, it was years expired because they just keep them in warehouses. So it just felt fitting to bring this onto the show. Do you like mayonnaise? Miracle Whip. Oh, yeah, that's right. I mean, I'll eat mayo, but if I'm going to buy it at a store, I'm buying Miracle Whip. Okay.

Zach, you a mayo fella? I'm definitely a mayo guy, yeah. Okay. Did you guys know that in Japan they fucking love mayonnaise? Was not aware of that. Okay. Are you now? Yeah. And they've gone as far as to make drinkable mayo.

Okay. On sale at Japanese convenience stores for the mayonnaise fanatics. It's just okay, whatever. Okay. I mean, would you go this far? I'll leave my judgment at the door. This is brass like Brian's brain. Me too, brother. Okay? I mean, would you go this far? I'll leave my judgment at the door. This is brassling Brian's brain. Me too, brother.

Just eat it. So mayonnaise isn't indigenous to the local cuisine, but the condiment has been embraced with open arms slash mouths in Japan. In addition to... With arms wide open. Mayonnaise wide open. In addition to being generously applied to Western food, such as sandwiches and pizzas in Japan. Mayo on your pizza? No!

That's got to be, I mean, I'm in. If I'm willing to try peanut butter on hamburgers and it's fucking awesome. I'd put Miracle Whip on pizza. Oh, then you're appalled for a second there. Because I'll put Miracle Whip on anything. Yeah? How about my ass? Maybe.

As long as I don't have to eat it. Man. Yeah? How about my ass? Maybe. Oh, yeah! As long as I don't have to eat it. Man, mayo can be found. There you go. You're welcome. I used to have to walk around with Miracle Whip on my asshole. Thanks, Brian. Sick foreplay, nerd.

Mayo can be found in certain types of sushi, rice balls. Spicy mayo. Oh, yeah. And we've even seen companies in Japan offer sliced sheets of mayonnaise and mayonnaise ice cream. Hmm. How about that? And now here comes convenience store Lawson with a bold plan to push the mayo envelope even further with the creation of Namu Mayo. Or Mayo.

Namu Mayo. Namu Mayo. A drinkable mayonnaise. So Namu Mayo comes in one of those cups that get used for Japanese convenience store drinks that are just a touch-up market. Offering a little more luxury than their basic brethren in cans or plastic bottles. Decorated with the illustration of a typical squeeze bottle that Mayo comes in in Japan, plus two long squirts of the stuff lawson describes namu mayo which is priced at 198 yen for the 200 milliliter cup i don't know what you're talking about yeah is it miles or feet what the fuck's a kilometer the new item that mayo fanatics have long been waiting for a chilled drink that recreates the rich and sour flavors of mayo.

I don't think it's... Mayo, it's just like, it makes my bread squishy. It's more of like a textured thing for me than a flavor. Right? Is it even? What the fuck? I don't know. It's like shitty eggs, but it sometimes works with the other things that are in it.

I like it. I like it. As much as the next game. Yeah. I like it on a thing. On a sandwich, I feel like that's how I like it. You don't have mayo on your chicken sandwich, right? Yeah.

I like it on a chicken sandwich. Again, Miracle Whip is my preferred condo. Condi. And, condi. And a condiment. I've never been a huge fan. I've tried. I've never been a fan of buffalo-flavored drink or whatever. I like buffalo on food, certain things, but just in drink form, I just don't what kind of what sort of sauce would you drink i don't not none i think that i like the i like it having i like it being a sauce what

it adds to the thing that you're eating opposed to it instead of just just straight drink like i love Worcestershire sauce and it's it's very very, it's, it's light enough where you could drink it. It's not a thick sauce, but, and I, it's from time to time, I'll just like take a dab and put my finger back. I like the taste, but taking like a big swig of it. Too much. That's just, yeah. I drink me some hot mustard sauce from McDonald's.

I don't know why, but that's really perfect for my taste palette. I love that shit. But you. I'll lick the half the thing if there's some left. I'm a freak. And, you know, that's fine. But it's like, so when I take a drink of a pop or something, I have this pop. I like a big gulp.

I like the burn of a carbonated drink on my throat. And so a big drink like that. So if I was taking that same big drink of, like, mayo-flavored something, I just think it'd be weird. It'd be like, what yeah what if they carbonated it for you i don't know maybe maybe maybe then with bubbles oh man well i guess we'll we'll see if it takes off in japan i got a fun thing for you guys i think it's japan forgive me if it's not but probably if it's weird it is weird it's gonna be in japan it's not about the vending machines with underwear in it but uh my. For Christmas, they're huge about KFC.

Like, not fried chicken, but Kentucky fried chicken is part of the Christmas tradition in Japan. And I think that's amazing. Yeah, I love KFC. Like, super popular. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's amazing. It's very fun. I like gravy, that brown gravy that they make.

I fucking love that gravy. I'll slather that in mashed potatoes. Would you drink it? I think before, I've probably taken the thing of it and been like, take a big lick. But again, taking a big drink of just a gravy consistency, just that consistency in general is weird. And then have it, I don't know know i think there was a well i know there was i guess i remember the exact examples i'm i'm going to give here but overseas just things that are like part of the united states can be popular when it comes to food but they'll name them things

that that that state's not popular like famous for like they'll be like florida's famous chicken and you're like what because they don't know the difference kentucky potatoes everyone's like what are you fucking talking about yeah but over there they're idaho apples missed it but it just uses a state and ties it back like oh it's american it must be good right that's why you always get that North Dakota fried chicken. Well, we do that too with like, Ooh,

French cuisine. It's like, Ooh, it's, it's gotta be just because it's a baguette. It's a baguette. I mean, I'm baguettes are probably good,

but we think, Oh, the French, the French made this. So they know cuisine, they know pastries and stuff like that. It's gotta be good. Yeah.

Like a cordon bleu is actually some shitty city in France. They're like, yeah, it sounds good. It's just a shithole. It sounds like a squishy thing with cheese in it. It's delicious. All right, let's move off and hear from the kids. Zachy! Hey, Lugan!

All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right. What? I'll take this first one. Yeah, take it.

How about that? I'll take it. I'll take it all the way. Ingest. I'll give you one guess to what this is about. Am I going to need any guesses? Well, no, it's just an accident. So what do you think? My birth? Oh, no, it's just an accident. So what do you think? My birth?

Oh, didn't play. Wrong. It's a hot air balloon. Yeah, of course it is. What the fuck else would it be? This was actually a really old one that someone found. And I don't think I had ever seen this before. Maybe.

Okay. But sometimes you'll see, like, sporting events gone wrong. But I don't remember ever. Okay. But it's, you know, sometimes you'll see like, sporting events gone wrong, but I don't remember ever seeing this, so it's pretty cool. First, so it's coming in from Lee. Big surprise. Hot air balloon crash, but it's a little different than normal. So this is

from Lee. She says, greeting Zach, Joe, and Boyan. Yes, Uncle Zach gets first mentioned this time. No particular reason, just cause. Oh my god, that reminds me. Because, again, nothing to do with this story. But down for Thanksgiving, the night we got there, we stopped by my mom's because we were heading to a different town where we were staying. And we stopped by my mom's.

She's like packing shit up. And she has this box and she goes, okay. And here's some soup because I made it and then just moved on I made it and I had nothing to do with it she's like these are the keys

here's like the snacks blah blah blah she goes and here's some soup because I made it and that was her reasoning alright got it I made this soup I'm not going to eat it all, so you take it. Yeah, here's some soup because I made it. Thank you, Mom. Such a Mom thing.

And it was so good. Anyway, no particular reason. Moms always want to make sure their babies are fed. No particular reason, just because. I'm not going to do that. It says, anyway, I don't recall where I first heard about it, but attached video shows a pregame mishap with the hot air balloon at Super Bowl IV. Super Bowl IV?

So that was way back. The Vikings were playing the Chiefs. The Viking was supposed to take the balloon up during the pregame. What could go wrong? Everything. Those were the Fran Tarkenton days. Yeah. Yeah, that was the...

Maybe even later, actually. Or earlier, maybe. Back in the crazy stunt days, you had to get everyone's attention with something nuts. Dick butt kiss. They fucked it up and crashed it in the stands trying to lift off. I'll give a kick out of it, hugs and tugs, Lee. Okay.

You can hear the sound, but it's a whole... Here, make it bigger. That's what she said. I can't. Please zoom in. God damn it. Hold on, hold on. What is happening?

What is... Pat Summerall. Anyway, it's like a documentary type thing. Jesus. Jesus. That dude looks terrible. over toward the stands the balloon holding a viking mascot caroling god of control jesus that dude looks so scared he's like please grab my hand it's in the stands now and there's a flame an open flame a couple of people through the stands almost out of them out of the stands Fans in the stands began turning up. The balloon then crashed in the lower deck. They're all running for their lives.

Terrified Southern Bells, who had just finished their season. He had bounced off the stands and smashed the ladies on the field. Look at that guy. The real Viking. But this wasn't what they... Again, one of our favorite things is when someone's in costume what

year is this did that guy just pull out an iphone it's probably the was it the fifth yeah go back look at the guy down there with the glasses on that guy you see him the guy looks like you what no to create a surreal experience look right there this wasn't what they had in my shit it didn't look like a self-fortune what the fuck did he just get out probably walkie-talkie he's probably a time time traveler listening to the radio yeah we just discovered it didn't work and it could be disastrous as was the battle of new orleans halftime show they had hundreds of documentary onwith a feel and all sorts of cannons. Many were unable to see the battle reenactment. That's when they light

off too many fireworks and you can't even see the fireworks anymore. Yeah, it was like a home run. They do a home run at a baseball game in a dome and then the smoke is

just lingering. Nothing you can do. So if you're watching it on TV, sometimes it just, it's just the whole camera shot is just lingering nothing you can do so if you're watching it on tv sometimes it just it's just the whole camera shot is just full of smoke um but i guess they should have seen that that long ago and been like all right yeah i think we're done yeah just a reminder of how long people have been dying in hot air balloon accidents and again the one of the favorite things that we talk about happening is when chaos ensues, a dude

that's dressed up, and he had like a pitchfork and he ran over and he was trying to help stop the thing, but he's in full costume. I got it, guys. I'm a professional hot air balloon wrangler. Ding!

Our second email coming in from our terrible father son oh god terrible father son terrible father son hey guys it's your unwanted adopted son james no we want all of our unwanted sons even the unwanted ones i'm in the progress of listing to wheatfield campground donuts kitchen sink five to ten minutes ago and i got into a gas station i got a gas station story from that episode so i was on my way to take my daughter her flute for band because she forgot it on the way to school i figured i'd stop by a gas station to get a drink flute in band camp is that what i just heard i'm trying to get caught up on the show so you guys i put you on the radio you and brian are talking about jerking off for 24 hours Sounds like us

Yeah That's about right Store clerk came to the drive-thru window And his eyes widened And he just stared at me as I ordered a Dr. Pepper He turned away And stopped after about two steps Looked back and just shook his head

He came back to the window And gave that disappointed I deal with stupid shit everyday look And I said What? You never wondered how many times you can jerk off in a full day? He didn't even laugh. What?

What? You don't fucking... So I punched a clown. You don't like it? No, I didn't like it. You don't like anything. Peel out. Fuck you. Another story in a gas station. Me and my buddy were around 17 buying cigarettes. Gotta love small town stores.

This old lady was in the store judging everyone buying alcohol and smokes. Get out of here, old lady. You shouldn't be doing that. Fuck off. Why are you here? Go home. Get bent. Get bent.

Get a clue, old lady. Get a clue, cotton top. When she saw us buying cigarettes, she said, young man, those are bad for your health, and you can't buy them. So is being old, lady. My buddy, being an asshole, much like me, turns to her and says, lady, these cigarettes are doctor prescribed. If I don't smoke these cigarettes,

it's bad for my health. Well, mental health. I get angry fast, and old people tend to die around me. I'll let you put two and two together. Now, do you want me to buy my cigarettes or quit we can hang out all day until my first fix wears off she gasped and stormed out of the store without a bit of her stuff that she left oh she just left her cigarettes yeah she just left a uh an old english 40 well i guess she's doing edward 40 hands left duct tape in 240s well I guess she... She was doing Edward Fortyhand. Left duct tape in 240s. Well, I guess she won't make stupid comments to people who are ruining their own health

and anyone in the immediate area. Love the show. Three out of five stars. Hey, for those stories, five bucks. JK, y'all keep on doing these. The comedy really helps. Got some confessions for y'all. And another email.

Sorry for this long email. Edit it as needed. If I ever make the show, don't let Brian do it because he'll fuck it up! Maybe. Thanks. Yeah, I took the easy one. I took the one that had just a video.

And you fucked that up. I did fuck it up. First time I ever bought cigarettes when I was 16, I had a lady at the store try and talk me out of it. She's like, you're too handsome to smoke and all this stuff and i was like fuck you old lady and started smoking yeah she said you really showed her if she smoked she pokes yeah she didn't though oh she's like stop it don't you poke you know he didn't find out he just took his cigarettes and went was handsome somewhere else actually she had a granddaughter that went to our school, so she must have poked at some point.

I get it. Yeah. Hell yeah. You guys ever hear, that was a saying from me growing up. Unless she was in prison, what? That's 100% true. That I remember hearing growing up. If she smokes, she pokes.

I don't remember that. Like, nobody who's smoking cigarettes isn't fucking dicks. Oh, yeah. Not a single person is out there just puffing cigarettes that wouldn't gobble down a penis. A virgin and smokes Smoking cigarettes and you're a virgin. That's true Show me one. You know show you a lie show me that he ha that's that's interesting. Yeah, no one There's no one smoking cigarettes that wouldn't just ride a dick. Yeah, or lick a puss like whatever you're into. Hmm

There's no way I smoked before I got laid. So yeah, well you were a freak in nature. I was trying Yeah, you're giving you're trying. There's no way. I smoked before I got laid, so. Yeah, well, you were a freak of nature. I was trying. Yeah, you were trying to do the impression. Yeah, I mean, everyone experiments, I guess, with smoking a cigarette before. Whatever. I experimented for 20 years, two packs a day. Without having sex? Yeah.

I mean, the first time I tried a cigarette, it made me gag. It was like, this is gross. I don't get it. And she's so dizzy and awful. I was like this is gross i don't get it and she's so dizzy and i was like no this isn't something i'm gonna do well bye i was i was yeah i think i was in college because i was like i did the taste it was just like why would someone do this so i just avoided it and then i was like and i tried it and i was like it made me gag and i'm like it just reaffirmed like there was this moment that cigarette, it was just the same for me. It was terrible.

But there was this moment that a puff tasted like a chicken nugget. I don't know why. And I was in forever. I was like, oh, I'm going chasing the chicken nugget flavor. Trying to get that chicken again. I never got that chicken flavor again. That's two McDonald's nugget mentions in a show. It's out there.

Yeah, you're getting paid by McDonald's? I guess. All right. Well, that's show 130. Yeah, you're getting paid by McDonald's? I guess. All right, well, that's show 130. Hope you guys had as much fun as we did. The show keeps going. Sign up on Patreon, patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Get the bonus content, exclusive merch, merch discount deals. Also answer some of your questions.

We post stuff exclusively over there on our Patreon as well. So go join the fun. And then a reminder that you can also gift a Patreon subscription. Just go to our page and you can buy something for somebody. You'll be like, I think you'll really like this show, but I think they can't afford it. Just choose how long you want to gift your subscription and away you go.

I remembered one time we were downtown and a buddy of mine, I thought he had a joint and he's like, you want to, and we were just, we were just chatting. He's like, here, you want a hit of this? And I thought it was going to be a joint. So I was expecting, you know, joint and it was a cigarette.

I didn't know. So I just grabbed it and I was like, and the smoke hit my throat and I was like, I threw up. You just punch him. Right. Threw up. I was too busy throwing up on the sidewalk because I thought it was going to be, I was like, I threw up. You just punch him. I threw up. I was too busy throwing up on the sidewalk. Because I thought it was going to be

I was expecting a joint. Which is still smoke, but it's different. The cigarette smoke it was the cigarette thing is just I don't know what it is. It's not for you. My body is like, nope. No thank you. Gross. Yeah. If you want to see Brian smoke cigarettes, you can follow us on

Instagram and Facebook at CanYouDon'tPodcast. A video of Brian smoking cigarettes after the show. Head over to YouTube. You search for CanYouDon'tPodcast. If you want a video of Brian sucking a cigarette with his asshole, we're going to start an OnlyFans account. I'm guessing it'll be something along the lines of CanYouDon'tPodcast. If you want to send something into the show, videos of you. Or sucking off your grandpa.

And if you want to send in pictures or videos that you have of Brian smoking cigarettes, you can send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. That's the email address for that. Then rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. And bonus points, if you have pictures of Brian smoking cigarettes, just drop those in your favorite podcast review. That'd be pretty damning. Yeah, whoa.

Whoa, bad news. And thanks to Uncle Zach, producing today's show, mentioning McDonald's six times. And check out everything that Scatcast is all about at scatcast.com. That's scat with a K, and a big shout-out to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook.

Let's wrap it up! Zach! Good God. wrap it up. Zach! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? What? Oh, the train whistle. Got it. Joke for you.

Did you guys know a man stole my milk, butter, and cheese? I didn't. How dare he? Okay. How dare he? You get it? You got it. I get it. Dairy. Okay. How dairy. You get it? You got it. I get it.

All right, after the bonus stuff, do your thing. Okay. Bye. Outro Music