Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Grenade. Murder. Nightstand. TV Shirt.

Episode Date: June 8, 2022

Can you imagine going into a courtroom to present evidence and accidentally blowing the entire place up? Let's talk about that, taking the high road by murdering your family, hanging dirty clothes on the TV, keeping a promise, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** PLEASE RATE AND REVIEW US ON WHATEVER PODCAST PLATFORM ALLOWS YOU TO! IT HELPS MORE THAN YOU KNOW ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/CAtSNfsDIBwSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Grenade. Murder started this one. Hey, I hope you do it. Episode two. Yeah. Can you believe it? I can. We didn't die. We didn't. I'm Joe Paisley with a Y.

That's real cute. Thank you. We're going to start in with a Y thing again. Yeah. J-Y-O. Joe. Joey. Joey.

Are you a baby kangaroo? I don't give a fuck. You can carry me around in your pouch that's gross uh yeah so i'm joe with a y and you're ryan with a y i'm brian with an e okay we're not gonna switch this shit up right now okay i but before we get into today's show and setting up again for the ones that are just tuning in we had a video sent in by listener jeffstrand, or Bystrand, and it's his daughter who has an alternate Can You Don't theme song. Here you go.

Can you don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, can you don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, can you don't. Yeah, that's better than the one you made. I know. I just wanted to make sure that everyone knew how talentless I am. Can we swap that out?

Yeah, sure. Can you imagine if the show just started with this cute little girl like, Can you don't, don't, don't, don't. And it's like, big dick sandwich. What the hell did we just get into right afterwards? So if you are joining us for the first time, we're just going to recap quickly what Can You Don't is all about. It's a weekly comedic podcast. Brian and I will dive into the depths of the internet internet come back with the best and worst examples of humanity

mock ourselves because we're stupid and then you guys send in stories we talk about our lives we look at dumb shit on the internet and then hopefully we don't repeat it that's really how it is it's pretty simple pretty simple and if you have something you want to see on the show you can send that into hey guys at can youontpodcast.com and in fact, I'm not sure if we even talked about this on episode one because we had to record in advance, which I will also address here in a second, but we do have merch available right now

at canyoudontpodcast.com We got t-shirts! I think we have a blanket. I think we have a mug. Right out of the gate. Right out of the gate with some tasty shit. Logan's been working. Yes, he has he has for him thanks logy and then yeah so speaking of the recording schedule because we have prior i don't know vacation stuff that was set up before we knew that we're going to be starting can you don't

we do have to record basically a month in advance by the time the first episode comes out through october i believe is what we're doing. Can you imagine? We have 60 banked episodes. Things are happening. The world has ended and we're still talking about like it hasn't happened. Aliens are getting the receptions from Earth and it's just our podcast.

That's all I get for the representative of humanity. Which is sad. No, but we have to record so far in advance that if there's something that we're doing that you don't like, we'll try to fix it in a month yeah we'll get to it eventually all right it'll come back around i promise that'd be hilarious if we're just doing something and they're complaining about it and we're still like they're not listening to us at all right we actually haven't heard it yet so give us time yes please do uh you were just in new york talk about uh the the big at the big orange we had my wife and i went on our 10-year reunion to new

york 10-year reunion a reunion re uh it was our anniversary we actually it was funny the day we left for the anniversary she came in and she's like she kind of my alarm went off she's like good morning happy anniversary i was like oh that today. I knew we were going to be spending time for our anniversary, but I forgot that it was on the day we were leaving. We had to leave early in the morning. Typical dad shit. Yeah, we were busy. So yeah, we went to New York.

We pretty much went all over the place for three days, and it was a lot of fun. We went to a mirror game against the Mets, which was really cool. Who won? The mirrors won. And it was hot. The weather was hot. And the night before, it was cold and rainy, so we got a good day. Nice. Last time I was

in New York, I was like a baby. I remember laying in the backseat being like, big buildings! Mm-hmm. I gotta go back. Looking up at the buildings, getting sick. Like, wow, those are taller than all of Idaho. When we got there, it was all foggy. So we basically couldn't see anything. We were walking through.

So we're trapped in the big buildings. Then if you look out, it was just fog. So this is sweet. Did you complain to anybody? No. Like little note cards on the front office thing? Like, fuck this city. What's funny about New York is like, you're very much on your own.

When you go to the subway or you go to anywhere the ride the train you don't just walk over to someone be like hey where can i get on they're like no excuse me he's fuck off you're like no excuse me there's a guy shitting in the corner and like excuse me sir you know he's just like give me a minute he's just like fucking ripping out a deuce excuse me sir how do i get to uh hamilton or whatever he's like where's the nearest bathroom if i knew i'd tell you all right it just smells like everywhere you go to the cell it just smells like piss and it's moist because it's humid and so it's like thick heavy piss wow but it's a great city other than that great we had a good time a lot of traveling um we flew back uh when sunday night and we left later in the day so we got back late at night and um and actually it was funny because when we're we're flying when we in spokane and seattle and washington state when we fly somewhere across

country a lot of times you have to fly from spokane fly west to seattle and then fly back east to wherever you're going yeah in this case that's what happened we flew from new york flew to seattle and as we're flying we're flying over spokane and we're i'm thinking talking to amber like our house is right down here let's get the fuck out got me thinking about last week's episode of the guy just was like i'm out sliding off the wing yeah i wished i had an opportunity there. It was like a parachute or something. Just like, fuck it, we're out.

Open the passenger door and slide out the wing. And just land right in my backyard. Why don't they allow you to do that? It's funny that you were thinking about that too because I was stuck in traffic. And I know in Coeur d'Alene there's not a ton of traffic. But it was going to be an extra five minutes on my commute. And I didn't like it. I wouldn't stand for it. I wasn't have nothing but i got stuck in traffic and i

thought about that exact same story because i wish i could just get the fuck out of that situation and i like the guy pulled the the emergency slide and then just got out before everyone else yeah and i thought how cool would be if everyone had like an ejection seat where i could just get the fuck out anytime you wanted wanted any time you're sitting there like oh god damn it meeting is in 10 minutes and just shake just blast out of your car go back and get it later right get out of here just open the sunroof and get out of there and go to your business meeting especially if you're riding if you're a passenger in the car like we're going we're heading somewhere to lunch or something. Traffic. Dude, I'm hungry. Sorry.

Rip the cord. I'm at the restaurant. I'll order your meal ahead of time. Dude, I would love that in any situation that you didn't want to be a part of. Oh my God. I start thinking about, I don't know. Sure. Let's talk about, you just got done with a one night stand.

Okay. And there, anyone who's ever had some sex and then, oh, and then after you get done with the sex with somebody that you just met, there's that awkward moment where you're like, ah, fuck. Do I hug her? Do I stay? Do I hug? Do I, do I leave? Do I ask her to make me a sandwich?

Do I pay for this? Like, what do I do? And it's just that awkward moment. And I just picture it'd be like, okay, so anyway, I was thinking just shake. Put your pants on your shirt and your pack and then just rip the cord you just bear hug your shit and then yank the cord bounce out of the ceiling bust through the ceiling yeah so in the car you'd be you just you're like you're and the the sunroof starts to open up oh you're letting a little air in yeah that's what i'm doing ripped gone gone bye and it's and it's that's it's like when you record

someone when they're parachuting and they they look like they're flying backwards it's that exact motion you you catch a gust of wind and you just take off neighbor steve comes over he's like oh it's been a hot one now yeah fuck you steve great rank gone for this shit bye your kid starts telling his wife wife Wife is like, hey, I worked. We're going to head out. We're doing this things.

I was hoping that maybe you could do the laundry before or even worse. She's like, so today at work, Janet asked me to do this thing. And then I

see you going out with the boys. Don't wait. I'll be back when I can. But yeah, See ya. Going out with the boys. Back in a day. Don't wait up. Don't wait up. I'll be back when I can. Yeah, I love it. I love that. Any situation, it's just the yank cord and you're gone.

Just blast out of there. I don't care where it is. That guy had the right idea. He did. And I don't think we gave him the credit that he deserved. No. When we covered it last week. Yeah, it was kind of a funny thing, but then it was the afterthought.

Like, oh, yeah. Oh, man. All these great things you could have done. Amazing. Amazing to just get the shit out. Oh, you're at like a kid's... I don't know about you,

but there's this point right now where a lot of sporting events for the kids, and they're fucking terrible. They're just not that great at sports yet. Right. And I would love to be

watching some shitty kid's sport thing and be like, there's deep breath and just look around and it goes. Well, it's funny you say that. Get out of there. I've actually been helping miles baseball team coaching. Okay.

And I was, I was just a, you know, I was watching the beginning and then I was like, ah, I feel like I could help these kids. And some of the kids are actually getting pretty good. And I,

so I step in, I'm hitting them ground or sitting in fly balls or catch them. And some of the kids are actually getting pretty good. And I, so I step in, I'm hitting them ground or sitting in fly balls or catch them. And there's some kids that are just, they have, have a clue. So it'd be like, if you're coaching a team and your, your kid,

your team is just not performing well, everyone's looking at you. You're like, dude, sorry, you're on your own. Rink the court, take off.

Even better. Third base coach. Yeah. He's like, Oh my God. He just takes off. Even better, third base coach. He's like, oh my God. He just takes off. Score, score. Right.

He waves someone around third base. He gets tagged out at home. So he's like, oh shit. Yeah, he just takes off. Ejection cord and gets the fuck out of there. I'm not responsible for this one. I know. It's funny.

We could do a whole show just on situations or where you'd want to get the hell out of. Like this one. Let's get out of this conversation, yank. Yank, see ya. All right, let's move on. Before we do get into the show today, we mentioned last week that we want Logan to have a chance to introduce himself. We talked about us. No idea who Logan is.

So, Logan, tell us about yourself buddy sure what do you do with your life well as it says here in my notes i'm a hillbilly from indiana you're welcome i do love toto they're arguably the greatest band of all time arguably um well i'll argue till my my cheeks turn blue sure which um the left one cool my right one's kind of numb right now gotcha uh i do work with joe at bad magic productions and i've been there for what like two and a half years now something like that yeah um i do have a wife she was a high school sweetheart we've been together for going on 16 years. Oh, geez, Louise. And we have three kids, Simon, Arlo, and Oliver.

That's too many kids. That's a lot of kids. Too many boys. Oh, yeah, they're all boys. They're all boys. Oh, geez. Lots of future testosterone in the house. You got to start beating them up.

Start kicking the shit out of them. Easy now. And, yeah, i love having you hop over here to do and produce can you don't so thank you very much yeah man well thanks for including me i'm really pumped about what we've got going on excited for the new adventure and i'll try not to chime in too often but i will from time to time yes uh well yeah that was it so yeah never gave you the chance to do that on episode once you want to do it right now Does that sound good? Welcome, Logan, to the team Welcome, buddy

Glad to be here Love having you here Alright, let's just get the show rolling Rolling? Keep rolling What did I say? Rowan Atkinson Do it!

Hey, shut up It's not the show already Alright, so for episode two We once again have a Would You Rather. And this one is a tough one. You ready? Would you rather have to brutally murder your entire family every night, but they don't remember it at all.

They do not remember it at all. Jesus Christ. And they wake up feeling refreshed. Or forget how to read. The music that you chose to read that too it's like kill my kids and stop going to my family oh yeah um that is awful that song's playing while you're murdering your family reminds me of american psycho what song was he playing when christian bale was

killing us in the news oh yeah that's right huey lewis huey louie that i oof oof oof i mean okay so my first thought here joe is that on paper yeah you you line these two things that murder your family forget how to read right on paper it's an Murder your family. Forget how to read. Right. On paper, it's an obvious choice, right? Right. Forget how to read. Oh. I was going to go with murder my family. I thought it seemed obvious.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm kidding. Obviously, it's forgetting how to read. But. Right. Here's the thing. Oh, God. I can't believe I'm even going to say this. As much as it would suck to kill your family,

that first time that you have to do it, it would just be the worst thing ever. Right. I mean, it's like, can you, I mean, I can't even imagine it.

No, I can't even picture going down. Are you sick to your stomach? Oh, I like, I like, I'm starting to get little, like I got to poop thinking about it.

My stomach's turning, but the next starting to get little, like I got to poop thinking about it. My stomach's turning. But the next time you do it, it's still awful. It's going to be a real hard task for a handful of years. I mean, you're chopping away. I mean, it's going to be brutal. But like anything else, the more you do something, the easier it gets. And the better at it you get. And you better get

at it's like the first time it's going to be messy you know what they say what a thousand hours exactly become a professional yeah so you're gonna need at least a thousand hours to become a pro at killing your family there's good but there's gonna be a point when you're so used to it that it's like you're not even thinking about it anymore where it's it's just so easy it's like it's just part of the routine like you just do this good night right yeah well and that's the thing like you're in the beginning you're not going to know what to do but by then you're going to you're going to have a system down it's going to be very easy it's going to be like well it's like brushing your teeth right you you go in the bathroom brush your teeth you know you do

whatever kill my kid you know family and then lay your head down go to sleep right but the thing about this though there's going to be times like after after it gets to the point to where you're like you can deal with it i think i think you might start looking forward to it if i can if i can jesus brian just hear me out hear me out so jesus christ logan's laughing what is happening well it's not that i want to do this but just imagine learning a lot about you go ahead imagine put yourself in these positions where like you your kids just drove you nuts and they're like what are you gonna do that they're cussing you out and all this and you can't do anything yeah and you're like and you you know like so you want to

hate your kids you're like i can't i'm not that kind of person that's gonna do that but knowing you get to slash them up later on when they're when they're yelling in your face and you can't tell me what to do you're like okay get it all out get it all out because later tonight daddy's getting the chainsaw and as you uh mentioned you'll just get more and more used to it and so eventually it's going to become like a fucking chore so you're at work all day you're exhausted the boss has been riding your ass all week the last thing you want to do is go home and kill your family like you're you're so over it you're like oh my god can i can i just have one night to myself? Just one night to myself. One night where I don't have to fucking kill anybody. He's just so fed up with it.

But you'd get so efficient. You would. Like we talked about. You would. Like you would be, you'd be like, all right, good night. And then like have some kind of weird gauntlet. Right. Like, you know, just.

Guillotine. Yeah, guillotine. Drop a bed of nails from the ceiling i love you good night and then kill him then run off to the other room and kill the other kid well so i think that's the thing you'd have to do like if it got to the point to where you just didn't want to do it you'd have to get creative right like you'd have to start thinking of different ways you're so bored you're starting to mix it up yeah you're like're like, oh my god, this is so bad. I know, I know. My wife, she's going to skip past this.

Am I just going to cut their arms off again? Right. Ugh, done it. Come on. Been there. Saw that. Saw that. Dumb.

I mean, you'd be watching some horror movies to get some inspiration. Speaking of Saw, you'd get brutal, right? like you start watching movies like what can i do what did this guy do in this movie that he seemed like he enjoyed it yeah because you gotta get some like you gotta get some enjoyment out of it because they don't they don't oh i didn't come up with the question i'm just i didn't no you wrote you put a microphone on my face like answer this question This is the first thing You showed up to the show You said I'm not doing this Unless you talk about killing my family

Yeah And I said alright It was in the contract We'll do it once We'll do it And this is so We'll get it out of the way Time to shine Brian

Tell us more Yeah Stop killing your family Go ahead bud Go ahead take it over I'm just saying like Fucking If I have to do it

Right I'm forced to do it right It's not like I have a choice I guess I could forget how to read I guess I could do that Which would be absolutely terrible And before we jump over and take a look at forget how to read Side of this

Which would be I would hate It would suck You have to remember That the part of this question does say That they wake up feeling refreshed. Okay. So if you don't kill them, you're being pretty fucking selfish. Oh, because they could wake up groggy.

The best they've ever felt. They could have nightmares. They could wake up all night, be tired the whole next day. Unless you just kill them. So quit being a little fucking baby and kill your wife. So you're actually selling it to me even more because like you're doing your family a favor right yes because if you don't maybe they have night terrors or they have sleepwalking there's something that like disrupts their sleep so they wake up and like i don't want to go to school oh my god i'm so tired work is going to be terrible today yeah

so and then if they wake up and they're tired and you don't know how to read right so you take a mallet yeah they yeah they wake up you don't know how to read and they're tired it's a fucking lose-lose but if you kill them they wake up feeling the best they've ever whole new day for them and then you just have to live with the the knowing that you just killed your family over and over again for the rest of the thing is though you would start you'd be like well i know they're gonna wake up feeling your friend i know i did them a favor so now you're looking at yourself like i'm doing them a favor this is a positive thing this is exactly what serial killers say and i i actually just started picturing myself like dressed up as gallagher with the watermelon yeah but just like going into each room instead of the watermelon splattering everywhere and you know how i'm not gonna say it as a parent

uh how precious those nighttime hours are you get the kids in bed oh yeah you have a couple hours or whatever it is just whatever you want to watch be an adult again yeah and not be dealing with uh other people's bullshit sure so i do picture just because it just came out so i'm thinking about it right now but like stranger things okay so it came out it's a friday night and you don't have a whole lot of time and you really want to start watching the season four stranger things so you have to rush through your killing practices right you're like oh my god do you pray tonight no i'm gonna do fucking prayers like run to the next room anyway good night good night like there's no time no time to wait you got to get it in you want to see at least three episodes Like run to the next room. Anyway, good night. Good night. Wah!

There's no time. No time to waste. You got to get it in. You want to see at least three episodes. You got to wake up early for work tomorrow. So you're getting bad with your wife. She's like, hey, baby, I love you. Shut up.

Cover her. Cover her. With a pillow. Pillow and ether. What's funny is like, tonight we're skipping dinner, okay, kids? You're trying to speed everything to your normal routine.'s bedtime it's four o'clock we need to get a good night's sleep tonight in the back of your mind you're thinking oh i just want to watch the show that what why don't we have to eat day yay daddy we don't have to eat dinner tonight yeah just give

them a bowl of ice cream yeah well it doesn't matter you can have a snack in bed or whatever i don't really care yeah it doesn't matter to me. And I think that is the pivotal point in this is that they wake up feeling refreshed. Like you are doing them a favor. Yeah. It is a terrible nightmare of hell. Unless you're a murderer. Yeah. Unless you enjoy it.

This would be a super, super easy would you rather. If you're like, oh my God, if it's a whack, get away with killing a whole family every night and feel good about it. Yeah. You've already solved all of this. So you actually, you kind of preface the whole thing like making them get a good night's sleep because as parents we really just all we do is sacrifice for our kids anyway right i'm sacrificing my sanity knowing that i'm murdering my family every night but they're waking up feeling refreshed so i'm putting that on my

shoulders i'm just doing i'm just manning up and I'm being a good dad By killing my family Yeah Bingo I I'm sold Dude I'm sold Yeah forget I mean forget not to read Someone has to follow you around

Go into a restaurant I'll have the Fucking Fucking Uh Uh What's your special? That one

I'll have that Cause you can't do anything You can't travel You can't read your kids goodnight. Nope. Text messages? Don't do it. Fuck you.

You're out. Email? Everything you do in your daily life, if you can't read, someone has to be with you at all times to read shit to you. I think we underestimate reading, honestly. I've never really thought about it like that, but how many times you actually do read throughout the day? Tiny little things everywhere. It could be a new, it could be you're driving down the road and you don't know what the street name is because you can't read it.

Yeah. You cannot travel the whole world traveling. Or someone has to travel. It's like the blind person having a person with them. Like you have to have that. Yeah. If someone can read. Oh God.

Hope that you get along. At least the requirements are pretty low. So if you're blind, you have to have a service dog. And there's a lot of testing and training that goes into that. If you can't read, you just need someone who knows how to read. Yeah. And there's a lot of those. Yeah.

But you're a big doofus. I mean, at some point, your kids, all gotta do is if you're if you're not murdering your kids and you're you just don't can't read they can read they can read for you do you want your kids following you around everywhere no i'd want to go shopping going shopping can't don't know what prices are you know like it's not you can't learn you don't know a little bit you know nothing none of these words none of the letters make any letters don't make sense to you it's all just a big fucking mess. Yeah.

And that sounds terrible. But you sleep good at night. Yeah. I guess. If you're fine with not reading. What's funny about this thing. It could traumatize you forever. If you had to make the choice of you're like, okay, I won't learn how to read because i don't want to murder my family or if you just had to if you if those things were like independent of each other

you didn't know one the other one was an option you know like put a gun to your head which one are you picking uh i just take that gun from him and shoot my family yeah that's what i was thinking i'm like hey while you're putting a gun at me will you just kill my family i'm tired they have a big day tomorrow yeah at me, will you just kill my family? I'm tired. They have a big day tomorrow. Yeah, they have a big day. We just killed my family. Well, actually, okay, so you have to murder your family, or can you be like Manson and

recruit a cult that kills your family? So now you're like in the living room. No, I think you have to do it. You can't outsource your murder. Well, because he never actually killed anybody, right? Like, he went to jail for... No, he just made other people do it. You're sitting on the couch watching a show, turning the volume

up so you can't hear the slashing going on in the bedroom. Trying to watch Stranger Things! Keep it down! Sorry. Opens the door. He's just got the plastic suit on with blood everywhere.

Sorry about that, Brian. Sorry. I'm doing my best. He kind of saw it coming tonight. I don't know how. I'm trying my best. It's so awful. That would be the worst.

I know. If they knew it was coming. There's no... Yeah. They have to forget. What if they didn't forget? Well, no. And now you have to just chase your family around and kill them.

If they knew... They're doing this for you! At 8 o'clock every night but they knew they were going to wake up refreshed would they want to get murdered? I don't know. This is so fucking psychotic. It really is. I can't believe we're having this conversation.

No matter how psychotic it is, I think I'm going to kill my family. Yeah. Because then at least I have a life I can read. I want to be able to read. I want to help my family. I'll just kill them. You're helping your family by murdering them. So I'm going to choose that one too. Great.

Because I want to be a good dad. Yeah. That's all I ever wanted to be in life was a good dad. And sometimes a good dad has to kill the family. That's right. The more you know. All right. So fucking let's kill him.

Okay. Man, that was a tough one. So fucking let's kill him. Okay. Man, that was a tough one. Yeah. It's hard to think about. I hope we don't look too bad, come off too bad. But all I'm doing is answering the question. I'm not. There's plenty of people.

You're doing them a favor. Yeah. And I think if you really think about it and you can't read anything, just kill them. Well, and it's going to be, you're going to be annoying person. If you can't read, you're like, Hey, can you read the menu to me? So I can either be a good dad, murder my family and have them feel refreshed. I'm doing a thing. Or I can be an annoying guy who can't read.

Right. I mean, nobody wants to be that guy. One sucks. And one's, I mean, pretty cool. Yeah. Pretty cool. And looking forward to the creativity. Like it's going to expand your brain.

It's right. How am I going to kill my wife tonight? Yeah. That's kind of fun. We should move on. Yeah, we should. All right. Let's move on to the creativity like it's going to expand your brain it's right how am i going to kill my wife tonight yeah that's kind of fun we should move on yeah we should uh let's move on to the next one we're going to go to uh what are you thinking about you ready yeah all right logan hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about and i didn't talk about what the last segment was, but that's where we're going to start with the question.

It doesn't matter what it is. It could be a would you rather, just a general question, a fuck, marry, kill, two truths and a lie or whatever that game is. That is what that is. So what are you thinking about is just anything that you or I are thinking about. And there could be times that listeners

will send in things that are intriguing that they're thinking about, and we'll put it right here. But a tie-in kind of to our Would You Rather is what I'm thinking about today is this time that I was scared awake, and it changed my relationship with my son forever. And I'm going to tell you about it right now. Are you ready? Yeah. I didn't kill him.

I didn't kill him. He's still alive. You know him. We miss him because he usually helps us set up the studio. Yeah, he's usually. Okay. I didn't kill him. He's still alive. You know him. We miss him because he usually helps us set up the studio. Yeah, he's usually helping us. I know. So my son, Ezra, he has autism. And he loves, he gets up a fucking ton throughout the middle of the night.

Especially a couple years ago. It didn't matter if it was me at home, if it was Aaron at home, if it was both of us at home. He would wake up, oh my God, between midnight and 6 o'clock in the morning he would probably wake up six times it was imagine if he was dead you wouldn't know it wouldn't happen best sleep of my life but he would wake up all the time right uh and so he and he still wakes up so early There'll be times that he just a couple of days ago, he started his day at fucking 415. And luckily at this point, he's gotten to the age where he will go out and like he loves watching YouTube videos. So he'll look up motors and train tracks and train crossings and fucking sirens, you know, and other autistic stuff. And he just he fucking loves it.

And he'll do that until we wake up a couple hours later. then tell you all about it and tell you what i did you walk out and you're getting a briefing on sirens from japan and you're like i don't okay you're ordering it off you're ordering one but a couple hours later i know he's trying to buy me or trying to talk me into buying him an actual gigantic scoreboard uh like for a for an arena right now um i'm trying to explain that i school football yes i can't do that uh and he doesn't quite understand why i can't do that he's like but you could because it's right here and it's for sale yeah i'm like where the fuck are you putting a big scoreboard bud in the backyard he's exactly he has all the answers and i'm just it's hard it's breaking my heart yeah

breaks my heart to break his heart one is he he's not gonna come on it's a waste of fucking money he'll be like cool dad tiny scoreboards you fucking loser i so anyway he would wake us up a ton throughout the night and so i will always remember this because i felt so bad in the look on his face what he was terrified straight up terrified so i'm laying there i'm in bed i don't really know what time it is it probably was between four and five o'clock in the morning and he in my defense made the mistake of giving me a rough like shoulder tap to wake me up he goes dad and like pushes me so i jolt awake and just fucking shove him into the nightstand picking and he's gonna rob me or fucking kill me i don't know who it is which makes sense you don't know who it is

goes dad i go and i throw him into the lamp like a hard push and he just goes and he goes dad why'd you do that? And he starts bawling. I'm like, fuck, dude. Like, you can't, you can't do that. Right. You can't do that. He's like, fuck, hate you. I mean, he doesn't swear, but he's like, it's just so mean.

I can't believe you just hit me. I'm telling mom. I'm like, no. Mom's right here. Shut up. Right. Actually, I think she was gone. So anyway, that moment from the, I mean, ever since then, it's been years been a couple maybe two or three

years since this moment guess who doesn't wake up anymore yeah or from a distance at least like no no no he will not he won't even come to the door like dad no wake up there's a gas if my right if ma if uh if mom is waking or sleeping and if we're in there sleeping, he will go to her side of the bed and like mom and wake her up every single time. And if she's working and I'm in there, it doesn't even come in. Like he won't even wake me up anymore. He's going to remember that his entire life with his brain felt so bad, but in a way, fucking I win.

Yeah. Like now I get to sleep in a couple, a couple extra hours. And all it took was throwing him into the nightstand one time it's kind of one of those things you just got to let him know like you know this is i'm fucking wild animal right i got dad strength right and then and then yeah i mean it's like you don't have you'll never have to to do that again i'll have to be you don't have to do it one time and he learned his lesson just uh one of those moments were just absolutely terrified him enough that he will no longer wake me up so it's kind of like it's it's good because

you get to sleep but at the same time it's kind of like i scarred my kids so bad that he won't even approach me in bed i mean but it's never a good time to no it's a lesson in life don't wake people up obviously what he did wasn't right and he deserved everything he got and if you know my son he was probably just being like good morning yeah good morning the sun is shining yeah sun's out i found this really cool wow right he's goes dad just it made the perfect noise that you'd want a kid hitting a nightstand to make just likestand if you looked up a sound bank the lamp shook like it was just like oh my god and if you made that noise it might have been better just like tap tap tap. Slam into the night.

Have you ever accidentally hurt your kids? Not nothing terrible. When my oldest was young, I remember my wife, the way she was carrying him one time. And I was like, make sure you're getting a good grip on it. Because she was kind of doing some stuff. And she, you know, I don't know what, what is this? She's kind of like, she's like,

she's holding the baby. She was doing dance moves with the baby in her arms. Well, she's doing things like moms do when they're holding a baby. They're like, they're like doing 20 things all at once. I keep this movement. I don't know why I'm putting dishes away.

Do you want to say fucking tickling stuff? Yeah. She was tickling me. I'm like, dude I'm putting dishes away doing stuff. Was she fucking tickling stuff? Yeah, she was tickling me. I'm like, dude, put the baby down. Yeah. This is creepy. Uh-huh. So she, you know, she had the baby. She was doing a bunch of, I went right back to that move again.

But, uh. I don't even know, what is she cleaning, like glasses? I don't know what the fuck she's doing. I don't know what I'm doing. Um, putting dishes away, cleaning, doing whatever. But they do it with, you know, the baby on it. So I remember thinking, like, you know, you really make me nervous. So we were camping one time, and I was holding a baby,

and I was having a conversation with somebody, and our kid lunged forward, and he basically jumped out of my arms, went headfirst into, there was like a fire pit. He didn't hit the actual fire pit. He hit the dirt of the fire pit. But I remember picking him up and there was like, from the night before, there was like a wood charcoal. And it's just like a circle where it's just black right over his face. And that was the, I dropped him.

That was the only time I dropped him. But he hit kind of soft. It was dirt and grass. So it wasn't like on the pavement. Right. we you know whatever you have to tell yourself i have two boys that we wrestle so you know like oh yeah it always gets out of hand or pile drivers or something sure no no one's been seriously injured though good logan you ever hurt your kids on accident uh i mean a little bit cool yeah i'm super abusive he's like yeah a little bit. Cool. Yeah. Do you want to talk about it? I'm super abusive. He's like, yeah, a little bit.

One time I threw my kid out the second story window. Yeah, no, I remember putting Oliver down. It wasn't me, but you let it happen on your watch so you feel guilty. But I remember we had a split level once, and there was like six stairs that when you walk into the entrance that goes down to the basement, he was like really into jumping. And so I was like, yeah, go for it. And he jumped down those stairs as soon as I put him down. And the way he landed, he just kind of like landed and then frog jumped into the bathroom door and hit his head. It was funny, but sad.

Yeah. I mean, that just comes with parenting. I think every single person has a story about they're accidentally hurting their children. And I fucking, I love to hear it. And you know, it's not a serious injury. It's one of those ones where, I mean, not yours, but yours is downright child abuse. You think shoving a kid into a nightstand is worked in dropping your kid On the dirt of the fireplace I didn't mean to do it What the fuck

I think you're dreaming about it You're just waiting for an opportunity You weren't even sleeping Daddy, he's doing it the correct way I guess wait for him to get more and more Smash him into the nightstand Oh no I didn't know that was you

I thought it was a burglar And then you're like now daddy gets to sleep all night I think I just smash him into the nightstand. Oh! Oh, no! I didn't know that was you! Oh, my God! I thought it was a burglar! And then you're like, now daddy gets to sleep all night. Does sound like bullshit. Worked out for me. Yeah. All right, let's move on and look at some dick. Oh, yeah.

Show me that dick. Logan, will you roll it, please? Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick. Dick.

So, dick is a segment that stands for dumb, interesting, or cool. But it also allows us to say dick, which is pretty fun. Yes. But if it's dumb, interesting, or cool, Brian and I will find it and bring it into the show. And you guys get to laugh about it. And I'm going to start with my story for this week. And I found this to be quite entertaining. Sad, but not that sad. You ready?

Yeah. Three wounded as policeman pulls grenade pin to show how it works in Pakistan court. Whoops. Demonstrated in court? At least three people were wounded after a policeman pulled a hand grenade pin in a court to demonstrate how it works. It's been reported. The incident took place in the court of Karachi, I believe, city, after the judge asked the officer how the device could be detonated. First of all, where the fuck you been, judge?

Yeah, seriously. What is that? What is this? Whoa, is this new? Wow. Is this a new iPhone? No, it's a fucking grenade. According to the local media reports,

the police officer was presenting the evidence in a high-profile terrorism-related case as the police forces had confiscated the grenade among other cache of weapons. The officer believed the grenade had been deactivated. Reports said, of course, it would be fucking weird if it didn't, adding that the courtroom was cleared

in the aftermath of the explosion. The bomb disposal unit was alerted. They came there and took people to the nearby hospital for emergency medical treatment.

And then here's a part of the article that I have a little bit of a problem with. The trial was suspended for the rest of the day. You think? You think?

Fuck, cool. Can you imagine if it wasn't? Yeah. They're like, the judge is like, Jesus Christ. His limbs all over his face. Get those bloody fucking cool. Can you imagine if it wasn't? The judge is like, Jesus Christ! His limbs all over the place. Get those bloody people out of here! He's got a new force in here!

Bailiff! Get those bloody idiots out of here! Anyway, testimony. He's beating the gavel trying to get these... They're picking up arms and legs. He's like, oh my god. I'm gonna hold that arm in contempt. He's like, I got somewhere to be! that arm in contempt oh he's like i got somewhere to be he's got dinner plans and shit no recess today but i've always been a fan of that

type of journalism or that type of reporting where they state the super obvious shit right and i know they're just doing their job but like it'd be the exact same if this guy who was reporting was like and now they have to fix a hole in the floor from the grenade it's like yeah we know we figured that we figured as much we piece that together well for them to be like they suspended they suspend a court for the rest of the day it's like okay no got it got it just go ahead and where's the editor just go ahead and zip a button cross that one off because we know we get it it's like we got to tell you because we don't want to get asked later now did they suspend court later? Actually, yeah.

It appears that they did. Yeah. Yeah. Some asshole writing in, always like a letter to the editor. He's like, I read your story about the guy who pulled the pin on the grenade in the courtroom. Did they keep doing court? Yeah. Did they keep going in the courtroom there? It's the same guy.

So they're actually, this entire network is writing for fucking Gene jimmonsons this is named gene jimmonsons and he just he's an idiot but they're they're writing these little things in there so that he doesn't write into the newspaper they have to have a full-time position just replying to his his inquiries so they're maybe they're just thinking ahead maybe gene's just a piece of shit and they're like okay well gene's gonna call or gene's gonna write in he's gonna ask the court continue that day after the grenade they have to put that into the budget for the job description fucking fifty thousand dollars it's a whole career yeah he's got medical all that kind of stuff uh what's the position for reply to gene well actually i used to work in tv news and we used to get weird emails all the time about that kind of stuff, too.

Oh, we fucking sure did. Like, they would just call, they would write in and say things like, oh, the reporter was wearing too low cut of a shirt. And they would just complain about that, like, she's showing too much cleavage. Uh-huh. There was a person that had to respond to those emails of, like, just straight insults of the people that were reporting. Not like, oh, that wasn't a good job in the story. It's, why is she wearing that shirt? Right.

You know why I did never have that job? Because I could send back pictures of titties. That's what I would do. Like, that was too low cut. You mean like this? And just huge fucking boobs. Right. The biggest.

A gif of them doing like a... Just going to boing. Just bouncing. You mean kind of like this? And that's why I never was hired in that position. Yeah. Have you ever been demonstrating something and had it go wrong? No.

Because I have one that I will remember that involves my son again. That made me look pretty stupid. I don't have anything. I just, I'm picturing this guy like, why can't he just, here's the pin. Once this pin comes out, now it's live. Like, why do you have to go through the motion? I've had a grenade in my lifetime, but it was dead. But it had the pin and it had the little metal cap thing that would pop off and be fucking sweet.

But if you look at the bottom, it's drilled out. Okay. So, I think that's kind of what you have to do you have to have an opening so he didn't look to see he must not have and just what was going through his head why was he doing this he's like uh actually you know what i blame the fucking judge yeah he's like whoa what is that well your honor like no one in any other courtroom on the planet you wouldn't have had to demonstrate what a grenade was right this guy's like hmm Never seen one of these before how's that work? He's like you kidding me?

He's like he's like oh you take this you go oh shit and then it's like the cartoon right like did he throw it or did it go say is he was he hurt the guy that i would assume so like his his arm if you thought a grenade was not active you would be holding it right you would not be tossing it it's like down in the hole you wouldn't be throwing it into the jury box like you just be hanging out with it like like's like, down in the hole! Right? You wouldn't be throwing it into the jury box. Like, you'd just be hanging out with it like a fish you caught. Right. Could you imagine if you did throw it in the

jury box and one guy catches it? And they just start throwing like a hot potato? Right. Boom! Dude! Yes! I'm on, I mean, I don't know who this guy is. I hope that he made it out. But I'm with the judge. I mean, I'm against the judge, not the guy who was dumb enough to pull the pin. Yeah.

He was just doing his job. He was demonstrating how a grenade worked. He didn't want to be held in contempt. And he did a fucking good job. The judge asked him to do it. Yeah, he did a damn good job. That guy will go to the lengths. Right.

How's that work? Well, let me show you. All right. Evidence A or Exhibit A. Exhibit A. Yeah. go to the the lengths right how's that work well let me show you all right evidence a or exhibit a exhibit a yeah there's a hole in the wall now exhibit a he's just pointing at it like this oh man uh so anyway go back to a demonstration that i was doing that went wrong and it's i mean it's i don't know how common it is but a couple years ago ezra likes to mow the lawn because of course he does and machinery right machinery loud noises things been uh so he fucking loves it but he could not get the

lawnmower started and i was in the middle of some other stuff i was cleaning the garage i was putting some tools away working on some other project and he's kept on coming back and forth and he knows how to do it like he started the lawnmower a million times he's like he's i can't do it i can't get it started dad i'm like ah fuck like put my put my tools down like all right well i was like you know like i was like you just have to pull harder i do this and i just go boom exploded i thought you were going to say you hit him. You pulled back and hit him again. The pull cable. You knock him into the garage. Jesus Christ, Dad!

He's never asked me to start a lawnmower since. Nobody yanked on it. And then just snapped the pull cable. I was like, oh, fuck. So now, not only that, I don't know if it was going to snap anyway, or if I was just mad and being like, you just got to fucking pull it. You ripped it too hard. And just snapped it.

So then now I have to replace the little cable wheel inside of it and all that kind of stuff, the lawn. By the point I- Fuck it, just buy a new lawnmower. I replaced it, actually. That's what I did. I'm a real- I actually did do that. I ripped it.

And you just bought a new lawnmower? And we need a new one anyway. I don't like fixing stuff. I'm a real fan. I actually did do that. I ripped it. And you just bought a new lawnmower? And we need a new one anyway. I don't like fixing stuff. I like buying new stuff. You get- Drives my wife crazy. Rock comes up on the freeway, chips your windshield, you're like, fuck, new car. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. That's how I like- I like new things anyway. Like, after a while, I'm just like, okay, we get- you know, like, it's time for something new. I can't believe I've been married for 10 years You know what I mean? How many lawnmowers? You just have a graveyard of lawnmowers?

Well, I don't I hate lawn work So I don't really water the lawn So it doesn't really grow So I don't have to mow it very often But when I do, it's just all dusty So I go up there and it's just dirt I go and take a shower

And there's just like an inch caked of dirt in the shower. You're just mowing the desert? Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, I guess it reminds me of using, I'm sure other people do this too, use the lawn mowers like a leaf blower. Pretty much. When you're all done and just run along the sidewalk. Oh, I get all the shit off. So I'll go, I'll mow and I'll go the one stripe against the lawn and then flip it around and blow the rest in the street.

And then we have pine needles everywhere. So I'll take my leaf blower and blow everything towards the street and kind of put it in a pile. And we live on a really busy street. So there's cars going everywhere. And so I kind of I'm kind of watching traffic. And then as soon as there's like the lights stop, I just fucking in the street and then just haul ass back in the house. You're a problem, bud. Yep. Because, you know, people are driving by like, who the fucking guy? I'm probably fucking putting needles in the street and then just haul ass back in the house. You're a problem, bud. Yep.

Because you know people are driving by like, who the fucking guy? Probably putting needles in my street. More needles in the street. More needles. It's all we need. Homeless needles. More fucking needles in the street. Come on.

Street sweep will come by and get them. What am I going to do with them? I'm going to sit down and fucking broom these up. Aren't they biodegradable anyway? Yeah, they're needles. Can you imagine if they weren't, how many fucking needles there would be everywhere?

Yeah, and leaves. People, you rake up your leaves and you throw them away. What I heard is that you're supposed to leave them on the lawn. They just dissolve into the lawn and help your lawn grow. Sure.

It also explains why you're lawn mowing dirt. Yeah. Sun or water doesn't get to the lawn because there's a layer of leaves. Listen, you don't have to pick them up Somebody told me it's going to help my lawn And you go to your house and it's just like a fucking Desert environment

If I had it my way, my lawn would be all cement Or against a basketball court I'm there too Like a full court I'm tempted I've thought about it too Because watering your lawn is fucking stupid I hate it so much

And we have a weird shaped lawn And we don't have corn sprinklers So we have one and it can never hit all the angles So you have to move it I'm moving it six times a day I hate yard work so much I'm not one of those dads That mows his lawn

And stands there and looks at it and admires it And is kind of like look at the stripes that i did and all that stuff what's the home depot song oh yeah yeah he's just looking at it admiring and drinking a beer i'm like fuck the lawn dude you're out of there i hate it so much all right are you ready to show me your dick yeah okay yeah let me whip this thing out please do please show me that dick uh let's see so this i found this very interesting okay um you you gov they do like um you know they do polls uh whatever you call them uh what's the word i'm looking for it's they do studies and they'll still go out and pull people onto certain uh things They do polls, whatever you call them. What's the word I'm looking for?

They do studies, and so they'll go out and poll people on certain things. A new study shines a light on the depths of delusion and wrongness in the heart of man. Okay. As YouGov has released a new study on what members of the animal kingdom Americans think they can take on. Man, this is such an American poll. That's exactly what I thought. Of the 15 animals animals listed the rat came in last place with 72 percent who the fuck wait what's the other who doesn't think they could beat up a rat well i think because maybe this uh thinking they could take on a rat even though um they're pretty fast you know maybe they figure well i can't catch the rat

to you know actually engage it. I'm imagining, um, weird or that they could start a plague is basically what it says. Okay. So there's a graph in here. Um, and yeah, there's 15 things and it starts with the rat all the way down to a grizzly

bear. Okay. And I found this fascinating. Um, 6% of Americans think that they can take on a grizzly bear that's six percent of americans that have never seen a fucking grizzly bear or the ones that they see are in a circus you know on tv with a little it's got a little hat on it's like bouncing on a ball a little propeller hat yeah and it's bouncing that could beat the fuck out of that thing Look at that pussy He's never been to the fucking Montana or Idaho

And running into a grizzly bear No and I've never ran into a grizzly bear In the wild I've run into black bears and brown bears But never a grizzly bear Have you ever seen a grizzly bear out and about? Not in the wild I've seen black bear

We were driving down the road And there was a black bear just like walking down the road one time Hey Brian Going to get some berries Took a dump watch out We were driving down the road and there was a black bear just like walking down the road one time. Hey, Brian. Yeah. How's it going, Brian with a Y? Going to get some berries. Do-do-do-do. Took a dump. Watch out.

Try to beat me up. Bye. Think you can take me? Six percent. So house cat, 69% of people think they can take a house cat. Dude, I'm embarrassed right now for America. Eight people, 8% of people think they can take an elephant. 8% think they can do a gorilla, an elephant, and a lion.

Delusion on these people. Would you rather fight a gorilla or a grizzly bear? That's one you have to start thinking about. I mean, grizzly bears, size-wise... Both are going to kill you. Yeah, exactly. 100% of the size wise both are going to kill you yeah they're yeah yeah exactly 100 of the time we're going to kill you i could have asked you how do you want to die you want to die from a grizzly bear attack or a gorilla there's that's how that's if you've ever seen a gorilla interact with something they're so powerful silverback yeah congo remember that

movie congo yeah so scary yeah oh man so okay so eight percent think they could take down a uh a gorilla great yeah but how would you even fight an elephant how do you win yeah how do you oh oh like imagine with a gorilla if you if you got a strong punch let's say you're kimbo slice sure i like that rest in peace yeah uh rip yeah whatever that's what i just said yeah i like to use acronyms big acronym guy oh also rest in peace harambe yep you got it um so harambe in the in the the congo gorilla the one that can speak or fighting who's winning that uh i don't know well one of them's dead well Well, they're both dead. Oh. Trick question.

What did you ask me? It's the best trick question I've ever fucking had. Anyway, get ready for this doozy. Trick question. What did you just ask me? Shit. Which is a pretty good trick question because I don't know. Joke's on you. Joke's on you.

You don't even know what you asked me. No, how would you take down an elephant? yeah that's what it was because like if like if you're kimbo slice or you're you're like let's say you're like a big dude brock lesnar and you you get in the ring with a fucking gorilla you're a punchy you're gonna last a little bit longer but an elephant you walk up to an elephant and you punch an elephant as hard as you can it's not budging it's accidentally gonna kill you yeah it'll just just turn around to see what it was and knock you out. The elephant would be just trying to say hi and kill you. It would be washing itself with its trunk.

It's like, in the water, you walk up, punch it. It just whips its little trunk around and just take your fucking head off. It grabs your leg and flings you in the water and then sits on your ass. Handshake, and then guess who doesn't have any arms. That's what fighting an elephant. Okay, so who else is on this list? We got a goose. What's good for the goose?

Dude, I've had to kick a goose. You kicked a goose? Was it warranted? You're hitting your kids? Kicking geese? Yeah, he was a honker. He was a honk honk. He was getting way too close.

He was getting a little snippy. Is that a racist? No. Oh, honky. Honky honky right honker no um maybe it is i don't know all my racist terms no but uh it was just it was chasing it was trying to bite my heels and shit and it wouldn't leave me alone so i kicked it and then it left me alone so i mean if you if you've learned anything from this episode all you have to do is take the shit out of something one time. One time. It's not going to learn this lesson. At least that one goose did.

But the other ones, they didn't care. They kept on trying to take shit from me, like my pants and my shoes. Your dignity. My dignity and my socks. All right. Okay. One more thing on the list, because I love this. This is so funny.

How fucking stupid do you have to be? Logan, have you ever come across a grizzly bear? No, man. I'm just a dumb hillbilly, yeah. That's true. He's like, grizzly bear, you mean that one tough guy at the gas station? Yeah, yeah. Good old Grizz.

Good old Grizz? No, I don't think I can take it. Everybody knows Grizz. Everyone knows Grizz. Are you kidding me? Ding. What day are you at? It's like sea bass.

It's like sits over in the corner. Everybody knows who he is. Of course I know Grizz. Hey, old man Grizz. Come on. Okay. Look at the list. Give me one more thing on there that Americans said they could beat up.

Well. Large dog. This is so funny. Like dog isn't on there. They specified large dog. Large dog, yeah. And large dog and then eagle. Dude, house cat. I'm blown away at the amount

of people that don't think they could beat up a house cat god you're a pussy well what's weird is like that many people think they can't do that versus the people that think that they like the delusion it's so the spectrum is so wide but 69 69% of people, that should be 100% of people should be like, yeah, I can fucking take a cat, take a house cat down. If you can get a hand on a cat, like if you can catch the cat, you should be able to take it. Well, it's not weaving and bobbing. It's not like, it's not training.

Well, kangaroos are. Look, kangaroos on the list. Right. And they do that. Remember the cartoon he had boxing gloves on? Yeah. You've seen that video The kangaroo in the wild

Haven't you That dude boxing it Yeah It had his dog And he had to one up and punch it You see that video Yeah Man that blows my mind

Just both sides of that One Six percent think It could be a gorilla And then it goes All the way back up You don't think You could kill a rat

Yeah Fuck you God you're a piece of shit All you gotta do Is grab the rat by it's tail and slam it against the wall step on it if you kick it hard enough

you could probably give it a heart attack you scared it just kills him or drops his pizza alright well we're gonna move on to wait there's actually a medium sized dog too I don't think you noticed it says medium sized dog lion is on the list too I don't think you notice It says medium sized dog Lion

Lion is on the list too King of the fucking jungle 8% of people think they can take that Oh man they have to be They're drunk or on meth If you're on meth you probably think you can beat up anything So this is They didn't tell you that 8% of people

Yeah yeah of course they could Where's it at What they didn't tell you that 8% of people... They went to the people on the... Yeah, yeah. Of course they could. Bring it on. Where's it at? Bring it on. What they didn't tell you is they asked the meth heads, would you beat up a lion for a bag of meth? Yes. Yeah, obviously. Of course I would.

Where's the lion? Where's the lion? Let me at him. It's in the wardrobe. Right. All right, let's move on to Petty Beef. Are you ready? Yeah.

Okay, Logan, fucking play it! Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. So perfect. All right, Logan, lay it on us.

An anonymous listener thinks her husband should put his clothes in the hamper after wearing them instead of leaving it on the chairs or other random places around the house. So he can wear them again because they aren't that dirty yet. What do you think, Joe and Brian? Let's get into it. Thanks, Logie. I know how I feel about it. Dude, something tells me we are going to be on complete opposite sides of this. Just because you're a piece of shit and I'm not.

Wow. You know what I mean? Jumping right into it, huh? Or state your case. Well, before we get into the fight, I want to tell our listeners that Petty Beef is just dumb arguments you've had with your roommate, your loved ones. I mean, it could be your kids. It could be anybody. And you want us to sell it.

It could be a grizzly bear. It could be a grizzly bear. Fuck this grizzly bear. You can send that in and then let us decide who was right. And you can take home the bragging rights and $50,000. Send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. I was kidding about the $50,000. Okay, Brian, go.

Oh, I'm starting? Sure. Oh, because I'm the piece of shit? Mm-hmm. Yeah. I think you are. I don't know for sure. But something tells me because of your smirk.

I think this guy... I think that guy is perfectly fine doing what he's doing. Oh, my God. I would leave you so fast. Fine. What? Fine. Move on.

See if you can find somebody else that'll wipe your ass. Take care of themselves? What? That was such a fast jump. You just fast forwarded 60 years into the future. Fine! See if you can find someone else who'll wipe your ass! And lick it.

And lick what? That's a good line to use against your wife. Yeah? In any tiny little... You sure you want a divorce? You want a divorce? Who's gonna wipe your ass in 60 years? I don't know.

Fucking anybody else I meet after you? Oh. Oh, the nursing home? Oh, okay. Yeah, but I'm into it. You're going to have to talk somebody else into it. I'm already into it. You're already into it.

I'm looking forward to it. Man, I'm learning a lot. That's why I got into this thing. That's why I started dating in the first place. Right. I was going to wipe- I'm 60 years down the road. This is the long haul.

Long play. I'm going to wipe some butts down the road. Okay, so you hang shit up. Is it... And it's not just laziness? You just drape shit on chairs and... It's a mixture of laziness and... Here's my thing.

I don't have a whole lot of shirts. I've got, like, a gray shirt, a couple white shirts, a couple of band shirts. And if I wear a shirt and... You know, like, my wife, she'll wear a shirt one day and then throw in the hamper because she's got a closet full of shirts. Yeah. Also because that's normal go ahead. Right. Apparently.

Apparently I'm the asshole. So I've got like maybe five shirts in my rotation something like that. So if I wear a shirt if I throw in the hamper how many many days are in a week, Joe? I don't know. Depends on what day it is. I don't know, I just got here.

That's hilarious. If someone asks you a question, I don't know. I just got here. You live here. Right. So if I throw clothes in the laundry I'm down a shirt For the rest of the week

Unless it gets washed I'm a man I'm not doing laundry I'm going to let you continue I think you agree with me on that one This is America Go ahead Continue on So if I throw my shirt into the...

Hey, do you want the shovel? Yeah, just keep going. I'm like gradually getting shorter. You just disappear into the floor? Anyway, I'm not doing laundry. Just fucking into a huge mine shaft. All right, go ahead. Okay.

So if I throw my shirt into the laundry, I'm down a shirt already. I'm already behind the eight ball here. So, I hang up the shirt like on a chair or across the TV or something like that. You are the worst. So, it'll air out in case I want to wear it again the next day. Because if I throw the laundry, like I said, now I'm down a shirt. But if I wore a shirt, like let's say we we're doing this podcast it's a little warm in here i feel i'm getting a little oh see that look at there's a sweat stain oh i have those there's a sweat stain right you won't air that out will you yeah well we'll see oh we'll smell

stuff no they smell test here there is a test it It's like, so I'll throw it over, and the next day, if I'm going to wear it again, I'll smell the armpits. Like, ah, no. Now, if it's bad enough, I'll throw it in the laundry. Trash. But if it's not bad enough, I don't want to put it back in the dresser and contaminate the stuff that's clean in there. So I put it in like a limbo spot. It's in the middle. Yeah.

Between clean. I might wear it again. I might not. It's glean. Yeah. It's dirty clean middle between clean. I might wear it again. I might not. It's glean. Yeah. It's dirty clean. There you go. I guess for sure, you guys laying in bed trying to watch a show and your fucking shirt is

covering. Yeah. What happened? I don't know. You won't move your shirt. Oh my God. Was that that one actor? I don't know.

Who's that person talking to with your shirts in the way? All you see is like a mouth and a nose. Because you refuse to move your shirt. And you do the same, I mean, I'm guessing it's typically shirts. You're not reusing socks and shit, are you? Underwear? No, not underwear. I've got a lot of pairs of underwear.

Socks, not cool. I've done it a couple times with socks. If I've wore, like, I need to run the store, throw some socks on, go to the store and come back and don't want to wear socks anymore i don't want to toss those into the laundry gotcha so you know i'll hang them over the edge of the bed or something get some air to them i can get a little behind this i'm trying to relate to you but going this low is hard come down in the hole with me joe i'm trying but i will take socks and underwear that i've worn the day before and wear them again the next morning to go to the gym in them oh yeah since they're already kind of dirty yeah i'm just going there i'm working out and i don't want to just

double up on socks and underwear so i will keep the same ones i'm like okay i'm going to the gym in the morning and i'll take them and put them on the dresser and i wear them in the morning what do you want are you taking off your underwear are you sleeping nude i sleep naked okay so then you hang the underwear then if you go to the gym you put them back on right okay yeah so i'll take them off i'll shower and then i guess won't put those in the hamper they'll be ready for me to go to the gym the next morning one thing i can relate on that one but the rest of it's bullshit and you're dumb it's gonna be like that huh yeah yeah there's no i mean how how it would drive me insane my wife uh does not the close thing

but if she walks up she's she's good at this and then bless her heart but there's a coat rack and then three feet away from that she will put the coat on a chair. And, you know, we're 16 years into that. And I'm going to kill her. Like, I can only do this for, I don't know how many more years I can do this. There's just something about. And I just leave it. I leave it at this point. I'm like.

I got. Oh, my God. Well, she wins. Okay. Does she? Yeah. Cool. Well, she doesn't get to sit in that chair because her fucking coat is on it.

No one gets to sit on it. The worst is when. Cool coat. And then. Fuck. You sit in that chair because her fucking coat is on it. No one gets to sit on it. The worst is when you sit in the chair, you sit on her coat, you get up. She's like, why'd you sit on my coat? You're getting hair on my coat. You're getting stuff all over your coat. Maybe your fucking coat shouldn't be sitting on the thing where I sit my ass. So anyway, that's something that we're working through. We're working through that a little bit.

A little bit. And it's going okay it's going okay counseling it's too expensive so we're working on it on our own yeah that's right and it could all be solved she's put her fucking coat on the coat rack yeah instead of on the chair i you know this doesn't just end with clothes my wife there's something that i do like and she'll say she goes i'm leaving again what leaving you again no jesus bry uh she'll say excuse for the coat being on the chair oh right is that she's gonna be heading out again soon so she wants the coat like there to grab it okay instead of three feet over where the fucking mister mr smarty pants pick stuff up yeah mr put stuff where it goes so um mr asshole color guy Yeah. Mr. Put Stuff Where It Goes. So, Mr. Asshole Color Guy. Oh, okay. So, if you get a drink, are you a guy that has a water cup?

Next to my bed? No, no, like next to the sink. Yes. Yes. You're reusing it. Logan can vouch for me at Bad Magic Productions. I have used the same cup for four fucking years. Yeah.

And I do not wash it out. But do you leave it on the side of the sink uh but it gets cleaned up i try to i but i don't grab new ones over and over and over again but if you go over and you get a drink of water you take a drink you set it off to the side of the yes yeah fuck you why did you leave it on the fucking counter what it's the same as my shirt i don't go drape it over the tv i don draping over the TV I'll move it off the TV We're gonna use the TV I'll move the fucking shirt alright

I'll take a sip of my water and put it on a chair Like it's going next to the sink where glasses go Cause it's water and I'm not wearing it Well no it doesn't matter It's still slightly dirty It's not dirty enough to put in the dishwasher right What it could be But you didn't You're doing the same fucking thing I am It's not dirty enough to put in the dishwasher, right? What? It could be.

But you didn't. But you didn't. You're doing the same fucking thing I am. Only you're doing it with a glass. And you, another point. I mean, okay. I'll give you that point. But it's bullshit.

And then you talked about how you're trying to save on laundry. I bet you if I asked your wife, Amber, what's the biggest thing you could do to help with laundry it'd be fucking do the laundry no because i she doesn't want me to do laundry you have four shirts no i have more than that five i'll give you ten well no i just went we went to new york i went i'm gonna give you a hundred dollars go buy some i went to target and bought a five pack of like just haynes white shirts oh my my God. Because I gain weight. And so I don't like, I have, I have all these large shirts, right? I have a lot of large shirts. Gain weight. Don't want to go out and buy new nice shirts and extra large.

So I go out and buy like a pack of five or six and then rotate those. And so I'm trimming back down that I can get my mother's shirts again. And my rotation will expand a little bit. Right. No, I appreciate that. And I know if you're coming from the other show, I have shared this story before, but I had a friend in college

who hated doing laundry so much that he would just go buy underwear and t-shirts. I did that in college. Yeah, he'd wear the same jeans, but he'd buy those, he'd just wear them, and then when he was done with them, he'd throw them away. Yeah, I wouldn't throw them away,

but I wouldn't wash them for a while. while right and he would be playing the same game you would he would wear it and then you take it off and he'd cycle through his t-shirts until they became so fucking disgusting you throw them away yeah and he hated doing laundry so much that's just and he'd be like well i have to buy laundry detergent well dude you're a lunatic right i mean i don't wear i don't wear like the max all ever wear. How's the environment, t-shirt guy? The max all ever wear a shirt is, like, twice. Like, if I want to wear it the next day around the house or do whatever. And then it's like, okay, you can smell the pits a little bit.

Now it's going. I'm not like, you know, a week in and it just smells like BO. Like, I don't like to be gross. Your family's gagging? Right. Can we have dinner without dad tonight? I'm sitting outside Stinky fucking dog Your glass

Water glass Point Brought me a little back in Logan do you have anything on this? Are you a piece of shit too? Let me ask you a question Brian Do you fold and put your t-shirts away in a drawer or do you hang them up in a closet drawer wow so do you not have any space like your wife takes all

the closet space well this is a whole nother thing i don't like to hang up my shirts because i don't like the neck to get too wide and stretch out so i stopped hanging shirts up because i always i felt like they stretched out too much how big your hangers i mean just like a normal hanger but the pressure the weight of the shirt pulls it down and stretches the stretches the neck slightly i don't want to have a wide i just find out you're tying weights to the bottom of your shirts just stretching i like a long shirt i don't know why my neck is drunk allung out. You look down, there's five pound weights tied to the bottom of your shirt. Why is your shirt a v-neck now?

Okay, okay. Honestly, it's laziness and I'll admit that. It's not that I don't do laundry. I'll do laundry, but my wife doesn't want me to do her clothes because it's very specific how you wash things. I'll just take it all and throw it in there and wash it and she's like this shirt needs to be medium cold way too complex this all this kind of stuff so if i do the laundry i'll leave hers out do my clothes and the kids clothes sometimes yeah but yeah then i i fold the laundry i do i i'm coming across as like a guy who doesn't do laundry, but I do laundry. Yeah, you are.

I don't do it very often. I don't do it as enough as I should, but I also do gigantic mounds of laundry. It's because of Aaron and my wife. I don't do gigantic mounds of laundry. Oh, she does. Aaron and I are on like complete opposite work schedules. Like I don't see her for sometimes 12 nights in a row, 12 days, just me and the kids pretty much. And that laundry stack,

it's real big. Yeah. It turns into a mountain. Mount. It takes about three hours to go through it. Um, okay. Well,

because this fight, it went from an anonymous listener and turned into me and you fighting with each other. I think we have to bring Logan in and we have to have a, a ruling here. And I will say to your benefit, if I, if we're,

if I'm fucking siding with you in any way, you are saving money on water. So you're doing that. You're saving money on water. Conserving. Conserving. Yeah. That's what I meant to say. And then conserving detergent.

So you do have that in your favor. I'm a goddamn environmentalist. Right. You're just saving the world. Yeah. Logan, where do you go? I'm going to say say if it were limited to just putting it on the back of chairs and stuff like that okay but once we brought in the tv

i think that that broke the camel's back so i'm gonna side with uh put your shit away okay what's funny about that is like put it in the laundry put it in the laundry put it in the laundry yeah i'm gonna take a picture and we'll put it up on the thing like there's we have there's a closet door our main door a tv and so like sometimes if i have workout clothes um during the winter or something and i've so i've got like pants sweatshirts i've got a door that i hang the workout clothes over so they're separate dirty they're like actually dirty then i have because i want to wear them again because i don't have very many workout clothes. Yeah.

But then I have the other door. Sometimes I'll throw the shirt that I'm going to wear tomorrow over that. And then I've got like a sweatshirt over the TV. And so when you walk in, there's just clothes draped all over. It looks like I did wash and didn't have a dryer and I'm hang drying everything. Right. But they're just half used clothes. Well, you're wrong.

Looks like a vintage store. It does. You're going through. It's a, it's like a goodwill that they haven't put the shit away yet. Yeah. It smells like a good. Okay. Okay.

Well, if you have a petty beef that you want us to talk about, you can send that in. Once again, that email address is heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com. We're going to look at some good news. Okay. Do you like good news? I love good news. Good. Logan does too. Logan. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah!

Fucking love that line. Yeah! And this is really cool. I'm not going to read the whole thing, but you know rapper J. Cole? Have you heard of him? I've heard of him. Same with me. I'm not going to read the whole thing, but you know rapper J. Cole. Have you heard of him? I've heard of him. Same with me.

I know that he is a successful rapper, but J. Cole attends fans' college graduation years after keeping promise to show up to her school ceremony, her high school ceremony. So he was on a radio show, and this girl called him and was a huge fan. And he said, hey, let's meet up afterwards and whatever.

We can talk and we can meet. So it turns out that she has gone through some shit. Her parents, she was put up for adoption because her parents are drug and alcohol users and lost their kid. So she was going through shit. So J. Cole promised her that if she kept her grades up and graduated from high school, that he would go to her high school graduation. So she did that.

And then he went to her high school graduation. And then when he was there, he said that if you graduate from college, I will go to your college graduation. And she worked it where I worked it all the way through and graduated from college. And J Cole showed up and I just love that. Keeping, keeping your word

yeah stuff like that uh it's important to me like if i say i'm going to do something uh unless like there's a fucking like a big reason as to why i didn't do it i'm gonna do it like i'm not gonna i don't like throwing things around all loosey-goosey like that and it's great to see someone who has won grammys yeah and could easily just be like hey i'll be there and fucking never do it never see her talk to her again uh but it meant a lot to her it showed her that uh you know people care about her um and we don't have a household that showed you what it's like to have people keep their word uh that's very important to have people like that in your life so that's really that's really really cool yeah i mean someone i know i i don't know j cole but i know he's a massive star so the idea that he would do something like that is pretty freaking cool

yeah um it makes you think of the michael scott's tots thing oh when he when he promised everyone yeah and then he got him laptop batteries but it was like i his the spirit was there like he wanted to help him you know like but he actually came through did did he happen to help her with college or anything or was it i think it just showed up it didn't say in this article that i have right here if he did any like help but i think she had scholarships and stuff like that okay which i mean i feel like that's enough yeah you don't have to be like hey if you make it to college i'm gonna pay for everything i think just being there and being a goal on the other side and then when it happened putting whatever projects you're doing

aside and showing up and doing it i think that's really it's really cool so hats off to you j cole do you think she ever thought that he would actually go through with it i don't know i mean imagine like she was a superstar so i'm guessing she holds him uh very high and would hope that he would do it and i'm glad that he did yeah because that would have been fucking if you oh man and there's so many you know there's so many celebrities out there that do like that do stuff like that um and then they never show up and it just fucks people up she gets her thing and she's like no one is there and she. She gets her thing and she's like, no one is there and she's just waiting for him

and she's looking around and he's not there. Right. So that's good on him. Yeah, good for you. New fan. Jake Cole got a new fan. Let's go check out some music.

I know. Gotta go take a listen. And then I'm going to show you something that is cool on the internet that I found. You ready to do it? Yeah, let's see it. Okay, Logan, play the sounder.

The internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome so as you can guess hey look what i found is basically just things that we found um online that don't fit in the other segments not articles typically products sometimes they're just dumb funny videos but this one this week is actually helpful website and it's called 10 minute mail so you know when you're signing up for different dumb streaming services or trying to get account verified and you don't want to give these guys your actual email address, cause you

know, they're going to spam you for the next 400 years. Oh, 10 minute mail, 10 minute mail.com will give you a temporary email address and then you can access the inbox. So you go to 10 minute mail, you copy this email address, go over to whatever it is that you're doing You're like i'm doing this one time. I'm never gonna i'm never coming back You do that and then once you send it off the inbox thing will light up and say you have mail And click on it you go and verify your email address and then away you go. That's amazing

I know and you don't have to go in and create account. No fake email account, right? So this will just this will just set it up It's just a jumble of letters and bullshit and allows you to verify your account and move on with your life. I thought that was so helpful and super cool. Could you do that with let's say you're trying to get a promo code you know, you're at a... I mean

maybe. I haven't tried it. You're just getting coupon after coupon after coupon. Then you have to go buy shit because they're not going to let you combine it. So I guess if you want to buy 600 white packs or six packs of white t-shirts like you do then maybe this will help you save 20 bucks on 200 shirts to steal i won't have to do laundry for a year 15 on 400 t-shirts yeah just spent four grand on t-shirts what's the most you've ever spent on a shirt on a shirt yeah i don't know a dress shirt so maybe 100 and something bucks cool what did you just throw up

no but it's like a nice nice dress shirt no go with a t-shirt yeah that's kind of what i think 25 bucks yeah so my god 25 that, 25, 30 bucks? Maybe if you're at a concert, 40 bucks. Oh, yeah. Because they upcharge them a billion dollars. I've spent so much money on concert shirts. When you're at the concert and you see a shirt, you go to the ATM. You're like, I got you.

Yeah. I got to have that shirt. And then I never wear it. It's sitting in a box somewhere. It's hanging on a TV somewhere. I have probably 50 band shirts that I just don't wear anymore that are in a tote right now. Someone's like, I want you to get that woven into a blanket. Okay.

I'm like, what if I want to wear it? Yeah. Well, you haven't worn it in 20 years. I might want to. I might want to. And if it's a blanket, I can't wear it. So you're taking away my options. I could wear one band shirt and show off one band shirt, or I could wear the blanket around and show off like 10, 15.

All the band shirts. Yeah. Maybe. So if you want to sign up for anything and just beat the spam, head over to 10minutemail.com. I just thought that was super cool. That's fantastic. Good for them. So good job, smart programming guy.

That's way cooler than anything I've ever done Isn't it amazing what people think of Yeah We know we've had that conversation Like oh I'm sick of doing blah blah blah And someone's like I have a brain I have a brain and some fingers Let me tap my way to success

And some motivation All things I don't have Brain, fingers, and motivation I could have been a billionaire If I would have just gotten off the couch. You know, when you're at night when I sleep, I'll think of an idea for a video or something. And I have to think, like, is this worth opening my eyes and risk not going back to sleep? I have to have that process. Is this funny enough for me to open my eyes and lose sleep?

And the answer is no. It depends on it yeah well before we wrap up the show today i have a surprise for you oh because you've never done any podcast ever okay i and you really loved the knife that i have oh in my pocket so i bought you an illegal knife. You didn't. I did. Check this out. It's for you. Oh my God. Is it one of the ones that...

Yes. Pokey Stabbies. Wait, is it going to... Is some going to jump out and stab me? Is the knife going to open up? You open it up, it's a grenade. He just has a pen. He's like, pull me.

That'd be a hell of a way to wrap up this show. Episode two. Episode two, we just blow ourselves up with house is destroyed everything look at this has some folks at home there carrying case what dude and that's one thing i want to talk about velcro with some of these products out there because there's there's tons of them things that you buy that come with a carrying case yeah i'm not putting it back in this bag ever don't make it like don't make this i've got some stuff like when i bought my camera equipment oh yeah they'll send you like why what would you ever do with that like um all this equipment that you see in the studio here you buy it and then it comes with a travel case

yeah it's like i'm not cruising around with these fucking... Let me buy that additionally. Maybe I need to have a travel case for my light stands. But the average person is setting up the lights and they're going to stay where they're at. Well, you know what they probably do and they work that into the price. You're paying more for the camera and you're getting stuff you don't want.

They don't care about the whole thing going to the landfill. Please don't stab yourself. I'm not going to... yourself So get this on camera Logan Check this out And if you're watching on YouTube right now Don't call the cops That is sweet Do you have yours?

This is riveting audio entertainment Ready for this? Now they're all dull That's sweet This is riveting audio entertainment. Ready for this? Oh. Ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. Now they're all dull. That's sweet. There you go. So now you can stab me whenever you want. Whenever I come over and see Joe, he's always got his knife in his pocket, strapped in his pocket. And I used to have a Swiss Army knife on my keychain.

And when I flew to Seattle, and the guy was like, you can't take this. And I was like, I'm not going back to my car. So I had to give it to him. And now you can just fucking stab him. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, you sure't take this. And I was like, oh, I'm not going back to my car. So I had to give it to him. And now you just fucking stab him. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, you sure about that? Right. Oh, it's got a window breaker on it too.

Yep. So if you're drowning and have to get a stab of fish. Yeah. You can all set. All set if you're trapped in your car and hungry. While you're drowning. Can you breathe through the gills of a fish? I don't know.

That's how they breathe right? Never tried They don't have lungs though Okay This is falling apart There you go Enjoy your night We don't know about biology Hey Logan

Yeah Thanks buddy You guys got it Producing and directing Again we have Can You Don't merch available Right now at Can You Don't Pod

Easy CanYouDon'tPodcast.com Go check it out Buy it Support it Support us Don't support the podcast.com go check it out buy it support it uh support us don't support the shirt that'd be weird if you buy it support the shirt you're like i support your shirt no it supports us and it goes a long way so thank you uh head over and follow us on instagram and facebook just search for can you don't podcast that'll bring it up

and then subscribe to our youtube channel go to youtube type in can you don't podcast can i say something real quick? No. If you ever want to see something on the show, email that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. You weren't kidding. What do you want to say? Go ahead. If you want to rate and review the show, wherever you can listen to podcasts, wherever you do listen to podcasts, it allows you to review like Spotify.

It allows you to do what Apple does. I think Google does. Then go ahead and do that. We'll see you guys next week. According to the script, you should be done. I am Google does. Then go ahead and do that. We'll see you guys next week. According to the script, you should be done. I am done now. Go ahead. I just wanted to say thanks to all the, well, whatever, I don't know what we're going to

call them, but the old dummies, they've been very welcoming and very inviting. I was really surprised. I was worried I was going to say like, hey, I'm doing this show. And they were going to be like, fuck you, you're not Dan. Right. They've been saying you're not my dad, which is fine. I you know I'm not but they're gonna be calling me daddy soon enough Jesus Christ we're gonna get death threats yeah I'm gonna put that nice that's a nice feel to it it does it feels there's a little delay after you push it like it's gonna work oh oh shit um but

anyway I want to say thanks to all that they've been very inviting and it's been really cool I'm excited to get this going and get to know y'all on a personal level and uh god damn yeah i'm really i'm really jacked i was i was excited about doing the show but i was really nervous and now i'm just excited because it's like okay they accept me so accept me as one of them and then whoever your viewers are they don't know who i am thanks for accepting me well. I don't think they have yet. Cool. So let me be the judge of that. Cool.

Well, I'll try my best. Okay. We look alike. We do. God damn, do we. We've been getting a lot of comments about that. It's creepy. All right, let's wrap this shit up. You ready?

All right. Logan! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? And this could be just a thought-provoking thing that we wrap the show up with. Could be a dad joke or could be a neat fact of some sort. This week, it's a dad joke. What do you call a chicken that stares at lettuce?

Chicken Caesar salad. All right, wrap it up. We'll see you guys next week. Bye! Bye!