Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Hail Mary. Batteries. Chips. Dog Bowl.

Episode Date: January 25, 2023

Is there any amount of money you would accept in exchange for having birds constantly try to land on you? Let's talk about that, Bryan's dad hiding batteries everywhere he possibly could, Joe's dad making the entire family sleep outside in the winter, hiding snacks from your partner, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/ZW5seXmjSskSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hail Mary. Batteries. Chips. Dog Bowl. Let's make some magic, Joe. Magic time, baby! Magic Johnson, number 32. I've seen... Right? I've seen a lot... What have I...

I mean... Does it bother you? This is way off track of what we're going to fucking do. Are you having a stroke? Listen. No, I... Well, I'm on a bunch of fucking medication right now because I have a splitting headache.

So I'm trying my best. But I've seen... Does it bother you as much as it bothers me? When people do this comparison with sports, where they have a modern player and they compare it to someone that played... Yeah, LeBron and Jordan. ...30 years ago. Yeah.

And it's like, what? It's not even... It's just different people, different thing. Like, sports evolve. Things are different. Can we just... Depends who you ask, too. Some old guy would be like,

Bob Cousy's the best point guard ever. Right, dude. Okay, you... Yep. Watch this. Bob Cousy. like sports evolve things are different can we just ask to some some old guy be like bob koozie is the best point guard ever right okay you yep watch this koozie watch this he puts on his little projector it's like yeah before he played against black people he was the best turns off the lights like check this out yeah you're like okay fuck well that's i mean honestly like when you think about baseball or whatever we get we have this friend that he's like oh ted williams the greatest ted williams was great but he played in the 40s and he didn't play against black people Like when you think about baseball or whatever, we have this friend that he's like, oh, Ted Williams is the greatest. Ted Williams was great, but he played in the 40s and he didn't play against black people. Right.

You know what I mean? That's like the drawing line of like how good you were. Yeah. Yeah. Was everyone allowed to play the sport? No. Okay. Well, yeah.

So how good was he? All the best players were in another league. Right. Exactly. Episode 32. I don't remember if he played. Yeah. No, it wasn't black. That was 50s. They another league. Right. Exactly. Episode 32. I don't remember if he played. Yeah. No, it wasn't Black. That was 50s.

They came in. Right. Jackie. Jackie. Can You Don't. Episode 32. Having fun. Thank you guys for joining us.

That was a wild intro, Joe. Right out the gate. I got fired up about sports. Sports. Go sports. If you have not followed us on Patreon, please do so. Just head over to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. You'll find a link in the episode description.

Send in stuff you want to see on the show. That's heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. And if you want to turn your phone on silent. That's my computer. Oh, it was? Yeah, I was. What do you have connected to that? Well, my text messages come through the computer now.

So it dinged because I had turned my phone off. It's silent. It silences? Yeah. Okay. We went to the... So, what episode... I'm going to have a hard time today.

I can barely fucking think. Give me a chance, okay? I'm sorry. It's funny. Something with me reading. We had a chance to go to the vacuum store that we talked about, and what episode was that? I don't know. Oh, man.

Whatever episode it was was we finally went back to that same area because we're working on some scripts and we went into it uh and you went into it i went in i was scared i i ventured in because i was we were curious how uh the fuck a vacuum store still exists when you have the internet i mean we used to know what was in there you have 40 vacuums you can get at Target. Right. And we'll get there in just a second because I was blown away at the price of these fucking vacuums. Oh, you didn't tell me the prices.

I thought, did I briefly mention it? No. Okay. But we suspected this. The floors, spotless. Immaculate. They're the best floors. Super clean in the vacuum store.

I mean, if you go into a vacuum wait was it carpeted or i carpeted but also had some like some fluffy mats you go in there it's shag rug you're like yeah just hiding everything i started thinking well is it like tile because then you have to mop it and stuff right what a fucking you go in there it's a vacuum store and he's mopping he's mopping he's like this is the best mop um we will throw in a mop with a free mop with every vacuum yeah the silver ones like the balloon blows up i walked in it had the little bell when i went it's like in the video i did that i was like i'm not sure it's gonna do this but i've added the it did i was like fuck he knows i'm here for sure because he was in the back

because he's like he puts the newspaper down. He's like, holy shit. He comes out like, hello. He's bagging a body. Big old presentation. Welcome to the vacuum store. Doing a dance. He's like, we don't have a lot of gas customers. And I walked around.

I went over to the bag section. And then the name of the vacuum shop is J&J Vacuum something. Johnson & Johnson. So one of the J's came out. He goes, can Vacuum something. Johnson & Johnson, probably. So one of the J's came out. He goes, can I help you? Like from the back room. And I just looked at the bag wall, like vacuum bag wall. And I was like, oh, man, I thought I could remember what vacuum bag I needed.

But I'm going to run home real quick. And then I'll be back and I'll buy a vacuum bag. And he goes, okay, no problem. And I never went back. He was waiting. He was fucking waiting. He's there. he probably stayed late first in-store sale he was gonna have in months his wife's like when you're gonna be home for dinner he's like i may not be home for dinner i'm waiting

for this guy to come back he said he needed a couple vacuum bags he's up all night yeah being like this is it this is i told you you told me it wouldn't work. You told me a vacuum store in 2023 would never work. I'm about to sell a vacuum bag. And I never came back. Never showed up. But there was a vacuum in there that looked old. It looked like something that was made by Tupperware. Like Rubbermaid or whatever.

It was like 70s. And it was $650. Wow. How? Who's buying that? That's going to suck up. I can't even imagine what that can suck. You better suck the entire carpet of your house into it and then re-carpet your floor.

Well, what it does is you just, you turn it on and it sucks everything out of the house. Like, you don't even have to move. It just brings everything from out of the room. Like, your kids are hanging on to the doorway. Like, turn it off! Turn it off! You have to go around and, like drill everything like or screw it to the floor to the floor so you don't lose your family your kids to the floor we can't all right thank you

for finishing that thank you for finishing so that was the vacuum store uh and it was that it was just vacuums it's a guy nice guy in there and i never went back and peace probably said well that's it any story any anything that you go into where you just, you're waiting for a customer and you get so excited. Just like, oh God, someone's here. Yes.

What's your name? What do you mean to? You walk in, you're like, oh, these aren't washing machines. Yeah. And then turn around and walk.

Because you always have to make an excuse of why you're not going to buy something. You think everyone, anyone walks in there and does the old, God, this place sucks. And then gives them a thumbs up,

like puns, and then right back out. I bet you this place sucks so And then gives him a thumbs up, like puns, and then right back out. I bet you this place sucks so much. We did it a good way, dude. Yeah, fuck it, dude. Well, we have one more rotten sled definition, and this was sent in by our son, Matt, to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com.

It says, hey, stepdaddy fuckers. And if you don't know what we're talking about with the rotten sled, just go listen to the previous episode. Like the last three or so. He says, I'm a truck driver and you guys keep me laughing through my long days on the road and better to deal with the fuckers on the road. Does he throw?

I want to know if he throws piss jugs out the window. He could. And he says, I have a suggestion for what you said the rotten sled for the Urban Dictionary should be. And here it goes. When you're doing 69 with your partner and they shit on your face and you run their ass across your face wiping their ass with your nose while it's deep in their crack have a great day daddy's huggy tugs matt god so i think i mean let's put the rotten sled to bed okay we we have our our entries we're not going to put all of the because

some of them i mean when stacked up against others like these we got plenty of them but we're going to grab our favorite i don't know top three and let's throw them on our social media and we'll just do a vote and then we'll go in and make our urban dictionary entry for rotten sled based off the votes can anybody put one on there i i would assume so i've never put one on like it's like wikipedia you need to someone needs to do it you have to have like a you like no oh you just have to have an account no not anybody can make it a wikipedia page uh yeah you can i think you can you know this is not an accredited wikipedia person you can anybody can go in there make edits

and then someone has to go back and be like you know the edit was fine like a like a moderator of sorts but anyway i think anybody can start a wikipedia page if i'm recalling correctly i was waiting for it um yeah okay i mean I mean, I'll just hear, hold on. Can anyone make an Urban Dictionary entry? Enter. New word. Can anyone submit to Urban Dictionary? Please do not submit any unsolicited ideas, original creative artwork, blah, blah, blah.

Urban Dictionary. This seems like something we should do after the show. No, I'm just just i'm answering right now i mean fucking maybe but why would he not with the things that are on there we will we will if we can't put it in ourselves we will send in our submission for the because there's such dumb ones in there it's like joe like it's your name it's like a guy that fucking sucks toes it's like how could this destroys families yeah how could how could rotten sled not be accepted into the urban dictionary thing yeah yeah it's gotta

be good um and speaking of this joe uh you promised that you would tell us the origin of how this came about you're gonna be i mean as i promised super let down on the origin story just sell it okay so out to dinner and a friend i was with got some oysters and they were on a gigantic mound of ice like just a showy amount of ice uh like whatever it was like fucking it's like a foot high you to people who don't have ice yeah it's like you know what. Like, fuck you to people who don't have ice. Yeah, it's like, you know, what, are you too hot? Too bad. We have all the ice. We have all the ice.

Fuck you. And they just stashed the oysters in there. Now, everything was going great. And then he grabbed one and he gave it a slurp. And it tasted fucking terrible. He gagged and he spit it back out into the ice. Oh, back on the... Like, back into his dish. And we're like, fuck. Oh, in his dish. Okay, not back on the ice. Oh, back on the... Like, back into his dish.

And we're like, fuck. Oh, in his dish. Okay, not back on the mountain. No, he was... Well, yeah, his mountain was a dish. Like, that was his whole thing. Oh, I thought it was, like, for the table. It was supposed to be, but that's all he got.

So he got the whole... He corralled the mountain of ice. I'll be taking this. Yeah, he's like... This is mine now. You guys were coming out and just... Slides this giant ice dish over to him. He goes, damn, you guys look like you're heating up.

He goes, throwing ice in his shirt. He goes, fuck, I'm not. But he took a slurp, and it was not nice. And I don't know, we started talking about it, and he's just rotten sled. Came out of the sour oyster situation. Oysters are, I mean, I'm sure they're, I've never, I don't think I've ever eaten one right out of the shell the sour oyster situation so oysters are i mean i'm sure they're i've never i don't think i've ever eaten one right out of the shell fresh like that well it just seems sketchy i don't know why it just does seems like are you food i know it's like do we have to eat everything

who dude who decided this was okay seriously i know like clams oysters i will never order them for myself if everyone's like hey you want to go and get some clams like is there anything else but i have had them they're fine they're good but there's i don't go out of my way to get some clams and oysters or muscles i don't not for me just don't care i just go to the gym to get muscles oh shit i did there yeah that was sick all right are you ready To open up this show 32 with a thing Yeah We're halfway through already

We are Well it seems like it We've been talking about this forever We have sports Hey Shut up Start the show already Fafina

Tell me what it is Oh I don't know Sorry Please Did you make that up Or is that a real song No Because that didn't sound that a real song? No.

Because that didn't sound like a real song at all. It was not. That was medicine brain. That was like, let's start singing now, buddy. You're doing great. All right. Let's stop singing now. Got it.

Joe. Okay. Would you rather. No. This isn't a would you rather. It's not. We're changing up a little bit. We are.

This is not a would you rather. Shifting gears. It's more like a is it worth it yeah type of thing i think reddit calls it like would you push the button type of question okay okay so like you get this but then there's always going to be a negative side effect i like it is it worth it yeah okay fine i just coined that and i like that all right is it worth it fuck reddit hit it okay is it worth it? Fuck Reddit. Hit it. Okay. Is it worth it to be absolutely filthy rich? Okay. And in your head, make whatever you think that is.

Okay. We'll discuss. We'll figure out what a number is. So you can have that, but birds are always trying to land on you. No matter what you're doing, they're just trying to land on you. Oh, what an inconvenience. Yeah. And they're not biting you. No they're just trying to land on you oh what an inconvenience yeah and they're not not biting you no they're just laying they just want to land you just want to be a part of your life it's not like they're trying to attack you they just need somewhere to they're

tired yeah they need to stop somewhere but man they're just they've been winging it all day all winging it and they're just like that's a great place to rest a bird comes it lands it's like whatever sound it would make like it's like over the brow it's like with this feather his wing so let's well before we get into this is so good uh before we get into that what is filthy rich to you like what's an amount of money that you would call filthy filthy rich is when you bill you have like your your own bit giant yacht and your own um personal jet like you have a yacht that comes out of the other yacht is that filthy you have you have a helicopter on your yacht okay so we're talking like jeff bezos that's to me that's filthy

rich yeah like can't you can do whatever you want in this in this world we've created and you will never run out of money that's filthy rich to me yeah yeah like disgusting whatever you want you got it buddy that's filthy rich i don't know if that's yeah maybe because that's i don't know i was gonna say I don't know. I was going to say that rich, you may be able to hire someone to just walk around you and knock the birds off you. He just follows you around. You're little bird whackers in therapy.

He's like, God damn it. You could pay that guy a lot of money. Yeah, but he'd just be whacking birds. That's going to wear down anybody. He's with you all the time. He's like an assistant, but he's just a bird wh birds that's gonna wear down anybody with you all the time just he's like an assistant but he's just a bird whacker wearing fucking these gloves punching birds off your shoulders you got mike tyson fucking punching crows what types of birds my defense is impregnable i eat just birds so filthy rich don't run out is that i mean is that like kind of a place that's be okay yeah i mean yeah for the

inconvenience of always trying to be perched upon i feel like that's a that's a good other balance because you got to think about like that doesn't sound so bad until you think about the things that you would be doing yeah and your whole life yeah like you're um it coming obviously birds if you know how to use doors they can't get inside but they're waiting like they know how to get into costco well yeah they'll find their birds and they're flying around costco but your home it's birdproof not only is it waterproof i think that the and for this stipulation if you're that filthy rich the birds they get on you anywhere what in your house anywhere oh fuck because there's no way because you would just you can never get a break yeah but you don't fuck

fuck that life you might as well go to jail no you you have a giant mansion that's basically on a complex it's a bird conservatory conserv Yeah. No, that's what Britney Spears has. Oh, yeah. That's it. Close. So you basically build this giant house that you're always under a roof. Yeah. And you could get little go-karts and drive around.

You could have fun without going outside. And then you get in your car that's covered. It's like you go in the Pope-mobile. It's a bird-proof poop mobile. And you're in a poop mobile. So then you're just cruising around. That's the case. Man, I think they've got to get in a poop mobile.

If they are allowed inside at any moment, there's no fucking way. I don't care what amount of money it is. But if I have a break, because you can't stay inside forever unless you have a like a tunnel situation jeff bezos could build a tunnel system what expand our state i get it but what's the point like if you can't do anything else besides hide from birds your whole existence is hiding from birds you're going insane go and say all these all they sell on amazon or some like bird whackers that's the only thing that you can focus on imagine we don't need that we need fucking what we need is bird whackers imagine going to you you're like you're you're fighting

off birds on your way to your to your the the tarmac to get on your private jet yeah you're like fuck and then you get on your private jet. You're like, fuck! And then you get on your private jet, you get a little break, and then you land, and then you're on your personal airport. You get out to get in your limo, and there they are trying to land on you. And then you get out of there, and now you're on your yacht, and you're swatting them.

Right. Well, the issue with flying, those birds are going to be right in the jet engine. And you're going to crash. Yeah. So anytime you cannot fly in an airplane without putting everybody at risk. Do they just suspect that you're there? They know you're there.

So they're waiting, they're flying next to you? They all have like little homing beacons where they know where you are at all times. You could be hired by an airport to stand next to the tarmac and just distract all the birds. I mean, is there an end to how many birds are trying to land on you? to stand next to the tarmac and just distract all the birds. Is there an end to how many birds are trying to land on you? No. But man, there's like, okay, I think we set this parameter. You can hide from birds inside.

They're going to be banging on your windows. Running into windows. Like pecking on your windows and shit. But at least you have a break as long as you're inside. Is that a break though? You're sleeping and these birds are slamming into your window? It's just a break from little claws on your windows and shit but at least you have a break as long as you're inside break though you're sleeping and these birds are slamming into your window it's just a break from little claws on your shoulder you have to put your bed like in a bunker yeah below your house you got all the money in the world and yeah when you go outside if you have you have endless money you can probably engineer a bird whacking like umbrella type situation you have

a backpack that's just propeller or like a helicopter blades like no dude i would build a glow i would build a snow globe kind of like a like a boy in the ball or the bubble no the what's the movie with jim carrey what penguin one what penguin movie with jim carrey something peng, it was that one where he's on TV. Oh, Truman Show. Truman Show. Okay, cool. That's like it's a giant fake world. Okay.

To him, it's a real world. Jeff Bezos could build that. He sure could. Not a single bird. Nope, just live in his own world that he knows is not real and try and keep his sanity together. And then he could hire a bunch of people to live in the town. He says robo birds. He has brothel.

No, no birds. Well, robo ones. Like they already had, they're all planned out out they already know where they're going yeah they do more they're on a routine they do normal bird ship besides land on it's kind of like westworld like do you program them all to do what you want okay so let's just let's just i want to picture this wealthy dude trying to have a normal life but there's birds all over him uh he has some kids okay and their kid he's playing sock kids playing soccer imagine going bird watching i can't see i see all of them where are they on me just take a peek no you're not gonna need those binoculars just look at me

look at me i'm right here uh your kid's playing soccer. And then he kicks the ball up. He looks up and goes, oh, shit. He goes, oh, my dad's here. His friend's like, oh, really? Which one is he? He's the one that. He's swatting virtually. Which one is he?

Fucking seagulls? Seagulls and fucking crows and a bald eagle all landed on him. And he's just sitting in the stands. Good luck, son. Covered in birds. Good luck not being bullied. Imagine going to a golf course and you're at the

tee. You're ready to go out and you're just swatting birds away. Imagine if this was Jack Nicklaus that had to do this and you throw it on the PGA Tour and you're watching and it's like, Jack stepped up to the t-box quiet the guy's quiet please he's just swatting fucking birds away with his golf club

i mean it's a sight it's a sight to see or like if you find yourself in a situation where you have to be stealthy like whether you're sneaking around right whether it's like hide and seek trying to play capture the flag or whatever it is. Like, no, you're out. You're going to fucking be terrible at it. Or you're hiding. You're in a life or death situation, like a murderer. You're like, oh, shit.

And you hide behind a fucking mailbox and just like. The sound of crow makes. Cheeseburger. fucking shut up in the morning when you're camping and you're around crows it's like 6 in the morning it's the worst now imagine you're trying to be silent

or you're driving a convertible driving down the road swatting shit away you're at stoplight uh-huh running red lights because you don't want to sit there's bigger birds in different parts of the world california condors yes i mean a fucking bald eagle on your right shoulder i'd be pretty america though you see him look at him who's this is joey america if you kept a bald eagle on your shoulder it would keep the other birds away they try to kill each other well that's a mess like if they tried to land the bird the eagle would be like fuck off

dude you just super glue one of those fake owls to your head you're like a scarecrow this will work they put them in like the church bell towers he's like yeah this will keep them away and they're always like covered in bird shit it's like how well is that working there's no way that's doing a good job flying above looking for a spot i was like no seats taken seats taken can't see it here so how about you just run out and you buy a scarecrow from the wizard of oz costume and you just live in that that's it that's your life now you're a freak show you're a mobile freak show and you just you put like a broomstick so your arms are just always out and how annoying you would be to just be around at a wedding you're at like an outdoor wedding and everyone's like here comes a bride and you're just fighting off birds

you're walking your daughter down the aisle just fuck i took i told can we please have an indoor wedding no it's what it's just about you dad every time they're gonna do something and they're like we're gonna invite joe oh fuck we gotta do this since i was hoping to have like an outdoor barbecue god damn it we don't have a budget for a bird net like they only make bird nets so big god damn it like a foul ball net just over every place you go. If you have unlimited money, I guess you could make yourself a little cage. You could do that.

Yeah, you could just walk around in a safety net cage thing. Yeah, you put up some poles. It's still annoying because they're trying to... Screaming at you at all times. But you'd have to get... The net would have to be really small because those birds would try to get through. You'd get a little hummingbird through there. They want to land bad.

Yeah, they're not, it's in the passive aggressive on the landing. No, they're in. They want to be on you real bad. I was just thinking, before this, I was thinking like going to church or somewhere like that, or like a funeral, something that's very, you know, you're listening and it's quiet and it's very serious. But if you're inside, you know quiet it's very serious but if you're inside you know but birds birds but you know like um but like if it was outside church birds we did we agreed that you can't be inside so well birds i mean every time that door opens a bird's gonna be like i'm fucking in like this is they're waiting they're waiting they're they're they're they're swarmed around the front door so people are like they're like slamming the door open shut real quick that's how like a holding room like

you're on a space station but just like to keep the birds out of church yeah yeah you open the door you get in there it gases the birds you shut that door and you have enough money that every place you frequent you just pay for them to put in a gas chamber, like, sealant door so you can go in in peace. Well, that's how your house would be. All the entryways would be that way. Imagine all the shit on your clothes. Yo, it'd be a fucking disaster. You just have to throw them away.

But you have all the money in the world. You just buy new clothes. All that money. I mean, let's go back to Jeff Bezos. You're trying to have a serious conversation. conversation like you're on your yacht you're like stocks are down boys and you're trying to tell in like it's like this is the 1920s stocks are down he's smoking a stogie and yeah listen to him and the camera zooms out he's like a fucking falcon on his head yeah like sitting on his hat on his bald head you guys are you guys taking me

seriously right like trying to get there i feel like you guys aren't listening to me or taking me seriously getting what i'm saying it's like a woodpecker just on the side you guys are grasping this right um sir it's just okay well it's just because of the life money is not that important to me i'm not i'm not gonna push the button i'm not doing this i'm not gonna i agree i will not take the amount of money to run from birds my entire life because because it would you'd be so busy trying to figure out ways to dodge birds that you wouldn't enjoy anything no be over laying on your big super yacht this is the life birds shitting all over everything ah finally made it no one would want like no you hey do you want to come hang out on my five million dollar yacht anybody else i would love that you ask them fuck no make sure

you wear grippy socks because there's the deck is covered in bird shit okay uh weird chance you may be shat onto weird flex but okay uh bring your noise canceling headphones it's a it's atrocious out here okay well let's move on to the what are you thinking about all right all right hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about hey brian so uh remember like my dad died remember that yeah yeah and i think about it sometimes and then that's what inspired this uh like what do you think you think about sometimes yeah just like off and on like like every minute or so i can't stop thinking about it i'm just being a dick i'm gonna silly goose now i'm now i'm thinking thanks joe you're welcome well you're

gonna think about it more because here we go. But I was just looking back at different things, you know, doing the old walk down memory lane and looking at my childhood and just like weird, like not necessarily traditions that you did in your family, but like things that you just did or you had growing up that you didn't realize were pretty weird. And didn't question. Didn't question it. Thought it was normal.

Yeah, that was just the way things were. And you got older and you're like, that's fucking weird. And before I forget, I would like to toss out there, as you listen to what we talk about here, I know there's families that have plenty of these. Please send them in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com because they never end. And they are amazing how many people are like, no, I just thought this was normal.

I was like, oh shit, it's not? And one of the things that I was thinking about was I grew up in the Sawtooth Mountains of Idaho and it fucking snows a ton. It's really cold in the winter. And my dad being the eccentric fella that he was, not every winter, but I remember a fair amount of my childhood until i was probably 12 my dad would go out in the backyard with either a shovel or a snowblower and he would just clear out like a 10 by 10 foot spot in the snow and the

snow is you know like up to your head. That's a lot of snow. So it's clearing it all out so that, so that there's like a, like a, a somewhat flat surface out there in the middle of the winter and fucking snow. And he'd lay down a tarp and he'd bring out futons, right? So he'd lay,

he'd make beds out there. And then our whole family with like 400 sleeping bags in two degree weather you just sleep we'll just sleep outside in the winter like that was just like a thing and i was like oh it's fucking cool and then the older i got was like you guys didn't do that i was like oh shit i mean i realized it like pretty early on but from before pre-k in kindergarten early elementary school i just thought that was like, oh, yeah, I know. I was sleeping outside in the winter again. Like, yeah, I mean, that's what sleeping bags are for.

They're going to keep you warm, blah, blah, blah. So, did you do – was it like an igloo? Did you have a top? No, but he did build a – he carved out a part of the land at one point and built like a – you know those – god, what are they? I mean, igloo-loo looking but they build it out of metal you see them like people use them at restaurants now oh yeah while you're outside yeah i forget what they call it's like a hexagon looking thing i think they call them igloos do they uh but that's what it looked like and he built that but then dug out below it and there's

a fire pit and like bunk beds and shit that's sweet i know it's like and i had a wigwam like my dad just like that's just the shit that I did growing up. And it was super easy to sneak out when you had your buddies over. Like, hey guys, we're gonna go sleep in the wigwam. He goes, okay, bye. And then we were just not, we went out and laid down there and we were down the street kissing girls.

So, there's that. Did you ever get it on in the wigwam? No, too young. Gotta get it on in the wigwam. Lost my virginity in a wigwam. That'd be a good, like, wigwam lost my virginity in a wigwam that'd be a good like primus song like good song title for like no like no effects or something would have like yeah i lost my virginity in a wigwam uh anyway i'm a girl in a wigwam but i that i was just thinking about that um i was thinking about when we were little and my my dad's car when i used to live in in Seattle when I was a little guy, it kept on getting stolen.

It was like a Datsun. And so my dad, instead of getting the keyhole fixed, he purposely put a screwdriver in it and mashed it to shit so that nobody else could steal it. Just sabotaging the door. And then rewired it to a, there was like five switches on the dashboard

and you had to flick them in the exact sequence and then it would fire off the the starter that's pretty awesome i know he's like you'd like turn them off he just said i was like and i was like oh yeah man that's that's cool and then the rest of my life i'm like no one fucking does that all right well to chalk that up for another one you should just write a book about things your dad did. Weird shit my dad did? Yeah. And call it that.

Call it weird shit my dad did? Yeah. Yeah. I'm just going to go through a couple more here really quick. Okay. And I know that you have some as well. One, a funny tradition that Aaron and I had with our kids is that Pepper and Ezra got to go out before Christmas and pick out a sugary

cereal like did they not eat that on the other days not really like we just weren't like sugary cereal people but then like on christmas eve they go out and get like fruit loops and cinnamon toast kids and they're like taking pit we have like years and years and like yeah like in the frosted flakes in the in the cereal aisle just being pumped about it and they're gonna grow up and be like what the fuck like they'll look back and be like that's fucking weird that's totally like a 90s commercial like you bet you bet it was thanks mom for breakfast put out down crossfire you get all the cereal on Christmas. And then last one, I have to share this, is, I mean, you know, like, I'm spiritual. I'm not religious.

Aaron, more than I. We both were raised Catholic. But our kids, we'd say prayers to them before bedtime. And if you know anything about Catholic prayers, you're going to find out. We're going to realize how funny this is to me. But I say the Lord's Prayer, and then for like, you know, Hail Mary prayer, I just started telling Ezra like this weird-ass version of it, and he never questioned it, ever. And I had to like, I almost died laughing every single time. I'd be like, Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with

you. Bless this heart and our daily bread, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Amen. He'd be like,'m like good night bud just weaving in the pledge of allegiance and not even the right words for half it's just like what the fuck i'm just laughing so hard good night dad good night he goes why why does it always take you so short i don't know you're saying faster than mom good night he's He's like, totally. He just got away with it, but oh, man. Has he ever said anything about it? I mean, that was about as much. He questioned the time of it.

He goes, why are you always done so fast? I'm like, oh, I'm leaving out four verses. Yeah. Because mommy likes to drag it on. Daddy gets it over with quick. Oh, gotcha. Hey, you get it. Do you have anything from your childhood um yeah i mean there's a couple things it's fun like my dad always did funny things too like he had these

things that he just did kind of like yours and you just like that's fine yeah like he he used to put he'd keep batteries in his refrigerator so i remember that growing up it'd be like i mean not my house where the where the battery's at and then he's like oh there's some in the the door you don't open up the little thing and there's a set of batteries in there and i mean i don't i don't know i still to this day i haven't looked to see if it actually helped but his his whole thing was that it kept him, it preserved him or something. I don't know if it does. It is a reaction.

And I don't know why I know this. But with the moisture of getting things cold and stuff, it's not, don't do it. You're better off not getting your batteries really cold. Just leave them. If it was better for them in the store, they'd probably put them in the freezer could you imagine like costco you go back there's the milk salad sour cream batteries double a's i picture your dad like repairing something hey honey can you open the uh the egg crate or the egg carton uh grab two double a's for me uh excuse me yeah and then your house like yeah no problem that's where they go yeah but listen i'm

gonna sound weird what i need to do is drink that entire gallon of milk at the bottom of there's gonna be two uh c batteries and then bring those over to me i'm gonna put them right here make sure not to swallow the batteries though make sure that's gonna be a whole fucking issue we don't have time for that oh man i mean dads did always weird shit like yeah when they would with tools and flashlights. And then the whole light thing, like when you're driving the car, my dad used to say, you got to turn the light off or we'll get pulled over and stuff. And it's funny because now that I'm an adult, I sort of get why he wanted it off because

it's kind of a weird distraction light. Yeah. But there's nothing legal about it. But I mean, even as I got into an adult, I still in my back of my mind, like, is it illegal? Will I get pulled over? I don't remember this in driver's ed, but fuck, my dad was always telling me, I guess I'm going to turn this off. And you trust whatever they say. Because why would they lie to you?

Now I lie to my kids all the time. I cannot let go of your dad just loving, just putting batteries everywhere. Just stashing, like batteries are life to your dad just loving bad was putting batteries everywhere just stashing like batteries are life dear dad like you guys are out camping like you're fucking you're in the wilderness you guys have been lost for three weeks right and you're like oh like well dad good job thank you for you packed this backpack full of survival food and gear right goes yeah um rips it open it's just nine volt batteries he's like we're gonna be out of here in no time like he just uses them for everything in life well the idea of like you you're running like you you open up the fridge and you're like oh

fuck yeah dude we have some of whatever left and you go to grab it and eat it and you open up and there's just batteries in there i thought we had pop tarts you just keep the thing and you open it up and there's just batteries in there. I thought we had Pop-Tarts. Because you just keep the thing and then use it for something else and use battery storage. You're out camping. Oh, shit. You wake up like, Dad, I'm so, oh, my God, you're so hungry. And you walk down to the river and your dad's like, he's got a fish trap looking thing set up. You're like, oh, I'm starving. Thank you so much for catching some fish.

And he goes, catching fish? He fucking just pulls a bunch of batteries out of the water.'s like i'm just keeping these babies cold like it's like a crab trap he's like fucking fish no i'm making sure these fucking the water get too warm this stream this creek water is freezing cold well we're gonna die he goes yeah well i'm not let these batteries die okay that's just what the priority son you're like all right yeah like we can get food anywhere you can't get a battery anywhere anywhere you can't you can't go skin an animal and get a battery sure we're gonna be hungry but these headlamps are gonna be working like we're gonna

i'll be able to watch you die you're like okay well that's not let's switch up our priorities dad nope batteries are life it's funny because you know going through like after he died we were like you're getting stuff moving stuff out of his house and and he just remembered all this stuff because he he he always had like a backup of everything you go into his pantry there's just like he's got this and then a backup behind it there's always a love that he would go to costco and just have yeah so everything was very fucking particular he had a pair of like uh leather work gloves and then behind that there were two packs of more gloves when those were ready to go he'd toss them and then he had another pack ready i respect that um so he always had a backup there

and then i remember one of the things he used to do is when he were young he lived in a small house and uh he had one of those air conditioners on the wall yep and he would he would do this head batteries to it he would yeah he'd open up the vent and jam batteries in it keep it cool um no he would do this it was no matter if it was winter or summer he had routines uh-huh to keep the house either warm or cool and what he would do is like there would just be like a rag and like a butter knife sitting by the windowsill okay because he would just if there was a gap he'd take a rag and take like a butter knife and just shove it in jamming and he'd do that in the door he so he shut the door and if he's like i'm not gonna go out that door for the rest of the night yeah so he starts wedging rags

in the dude he gets it yeah so then at the next day when you go out the next day you open the door on these racks would fall out but he saved 80 cents oh yeah no that that i get it now though as a parent everyone leaves the light on and you know and you're cooling off the outside and all that before you know it you're fucking homeless there you are you're now you're your parent now you're a parent yeah that's great oh man uh last last talk about your dad's batteries and i promise i will move on it is funny i picture uh like his garage okay no cars are in it because all he has is like refrigerators full of batteries yeah freezer he's like what dad just put his son he's over there do you know how important these batteries are to me it's like it's like different freezers full of like like double a triple a but they're

locked yeah like a safe yeah well they yeah these are backups he got he got the ready to goes in the house like oh well that's what's you know what's funny about that is he does he had a fridge on the inside and then he had her fridge in the garage and a freezer we actually took the freezer it was full from when you go fishing it was full of salmon yeah and there's steaks and then he used to make sausage um it's around thanksgiving what we do is we buy like a half a cow and a half a pig and then we'd mix it all together and we'd actually roll the sausage out and then like have a hot plate and cook it to taste, season it to taste. And then he would have for the next year sausages and stuff that he would just give to people. And he had so much fucking meat.

I love that. I love that. Like always like a little, like a, like a sausage in your pocket for like a good time. Like, Hey, like see you next week. Oh, one second. I guess do not like underhand him a custom sausage. Like see you next week, buddy.

I would come home from college or whatever. Or if we'd go up there for the weekend. second just do not like underhand him a custom sausage yeah like see you next week buddy i would come home from college or whatever or if we go up there for the weekend and uh when i leave he goes you got any sausage left and i'm like no and he would pack a cooler he's ready so i could take it take it he would pack it full of and i always forget the fucking cooler he takes off his hat and he's fucking full of sausages here you go son yeah and he's like here take these batteries they're about to go bad he has cargo pants on he's full of fucking batteries you go son yeah and he's like here take these batteries they're about to go bad he has cargo pants on he's full of fucking batteries he's been huffing it out like his pants weigh 20 pounds he's like wearing a weighted vest just full of batteries it's like

an ammo vest it is it's or like a an ammo belt it's just double A's wedged in there. He's like, shit, I need more AR ammo. He's like, fuck, all I got is double A's. You're trying to squeeze these in there. Imagine like Apocalypse scenario where some guy's walking around with all this ammo, but he's got just batteries. He sees like a flashlight flicker and goes, oh, shit, come here. Gotcha. He has the perfect battery to pop in there. He goes, you're welcome. We'll tap on the back, give him the sausage.

Yeah, yeah. A little tap on the backpack and a little rub on the head. Go get it. You're ready. You can see. Go survive. All right. So if you guys have crazy shit in your childhood that you thought was normal, it's not, send

it in to heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com. Let's take a look at a penis. I know there's so many other things. There's so many. I'm going to try to remember for another time. I'm sure the ones that our kids send in will spark. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

That's right. I remember that now. Dick stuff? Yeah, dick stuff. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick.

Let me show you something, Brian. Let me see that deal. Let me show you something. This, I mean, this has happened. I've talked about it i've seen it before about the uh alert in hawaii about a nuclear missile about to hit the islands and someone accidentally sent it out to all of everybody just fucking everyone thought that was the end of their life like hey anyway they're all calling family yeah like just kidding so this is kind of in that same vein

but a medical center mistakenly notifies thousands of patients they have cancer for christmas god happy holidays happy holidays you've got cancer you've got cancer imagine scrolling through your inbox a couple of days before Christmas, casually reading heartwarming holiday wishes. Black Fridays! Yeah. And then seeing a message from a medical center notifying you that you have aggressive cancer. Stage four, aggressive.

Forget totally ruining someone's holidays. It's the kind of message that could cause someone a heart attack or at least a panic attack. Sending one person such a message by mistake would be considered a serious error but sending that message to thousands of patients is nothing sort of short of a catastrophe the alaskan or no askern yeah asker in medical practice that's a big it is in doncaster uk has around 8 000 patients and it's believed that on December 23rd, it accidentally sent a cancer notification to most if not all of them. The text informed

recipients that they had aggressive lung cancer with metastasis? Metastasis? Metastasized? Oh, I don't have that in front of me. Metastasis. Metastasis. I think that's it. Sounds like molasses. M-E-T-A-S-T-A-S-E-S. You're slow as molasses me metastasis metastasis i think that's it sounds like molasses m-e-t-a-s-t-a-s-e-s

slow as molasses metastasis and advise them to fill out a special form for people with terminal diseases what metastasis what i say yeah metastasis metastasis metastasis sorry metaverse they would have sent this this to me and i'd be like i don't know that it is yeah let's not be for me because i can't read so moving on back to my cookies back to rapping stuff that's so funny to think that many people thinking and getting at the same time that whoa like where like is that a mesothelioma leak situation yeah i mean i'm guessing a lot of families went to the same hospital too so it's like should i got cancer you too yeah they're sitting in the same room fuck you have aggressive mastices we all have cancer we all have aggressive mastices god damn

it well merry christmas things get aggressive like everyone loses it because i think this is a the end of their life they have a suicide pact like all right well we said if we ever all got aggressive cancer we agreed to this when we were kids if we ever got it the same cancer all six of us and i was looking around at that article about the the accidental christmas cancer thing and i came across a pretty uh funny other post where colombian police released a wanted criminal poster that had no photos or names on it have you seen this good it's so funny it's like it's just like i mean i don't have to read it but what they did is someone like they wanted to help capturing all these people that committed a bunch of crimes like part of the drug cartel right so they don't have pictures of them and all they have is nicknames they have aliases

cuba ran fucking el gordo and then it just has like you know when you first got on facebook has like that default yeah outline of a man or a female yeah it's just silhouettes of men heads like it's all you see 12 of them the same exact not even different it's the same exact silhouette and every single one just has their fucking nickname says if you got any information go ahead and send it over fucking what just i i mean i'm not sure if they're just hoping like somebody's like oh shit i heard somebody say pond Like, uh, that must be him. So ridiculous. Like,

oh, I recognize those features. One of them's alias is Junior. Like, okay. El Flaco. El Flaco. Gamelo.

Makina. Makina. El Flaco. Gracias a usted. Serán capturados. Esplinta. Like, it's just,

that's all you get. It's just stock, silhouette, manhead with their fucking alias names. Everyone's like, what? What do we, what do you do with this? It's like when you get is just stock silhouette manhead with their fucking alias names everyone's like what what do we what do you do with this it's like when you get one of the the like the crime sketch people to draw something and then they do make an arrest and they compare it to the they're like

that wasn't close yeah how'd you get hired yeah this guy doesn't belong here at all how do you get hired i don't know that's so funny though That's so funny though. It's like they, it's, it's like they sent the template over instead of like, instead of filling it out. It was like, and then each picture says like, it says like drag and drop here.

Yeah. Yeah. I wish it said that. And they just did insert photo here. Yeah. And there's whoops. Oh, we did that.

Uh, having worked in TV. Oh, I've seen that on the little tickers. Done that where you, you, you, I remember one time somebody typed in something

as a joke just to fill something out yeah and then forgot to go change it and it said you know like eat my ass or something oh no yeah and it got on air like for kxoy yeah oh fun that kxoy is where brian and i both worked uh back in the day by the way it's like a tv radio if you have no idea what we're talking about yeah like an abc affiliate for this area that's funny like like blah blah blah space stuff yeah like that's i've i've done that yeah yeah on different things and i forget to take it out like i um uh like a youtube thing it's like official title here because like it wasn't done yet i was waiting for like it to be officially titled and then it gets released i just used to go back and officially. So it just says official title here. Nice.

You know what? You know that there's a company called Working Title Productions or whatever. They do the Hollywood movies. I wonder if that's how they got their name. Like they just said Working Title. And they're like, you know what? Fuck it. Let's just go with it.

Render or render mode? Yeah. Edit mode. Edit mode. Ready for render. fuck it it's it's an industry term let's go with it let's roll with it but that's all i had i just came across those two articles not they're pretty funny no remind me of themselves it's hilarious i love when things like that happen where like you know somebody just fucked up uh-huh and then you're wondering, is that guy getting chewed out? Right. Is he fired? Does he keep his job?

Yeah, like, all these things. Yeah. And, you know, that person, like, I did a thing where I've done that on air, or I put the wrong thing up, or I actually printed when I worked at a spice company. I wrote the wrong, I spelled the wrong course, and it actually went out and got printed. Ooh. And I spelled course right. I just did the wrong course. Instead of like, I spelled it like golf course

instead of like course in size, like great. Oh, gotcha. Okay. So the spell check didn't catch it. No one caught it because it was spelled correctly. Right. But it was just the wrong version. Wrong course.

Let's go back to English. Why is there the same fucking word sound exactly the same But there's one letter difference Well there's burrow Burrow and burrow For like Digging

And then tiny horses Like it's just Stupid It's ridiculous I know Let's not get into that Alright let's not Do you have something to show me?

Want to show me something? Yeah let me In the nethers Let me whip this out Zip Oh speaking of that It's about a snake A snaky snake? Yeah, let me whip this out. Zip. Yep. Oh, speaking of that, it's about a snake. A snaky snake? Yeah, what actually...

Snakey snake. It actually plays into the whole whipping it out thing. You're a snaky snake. Scientists finally found the clitoris on snakes. Finally! And there are two of them, Joe. What? Better odds.

Two to find it. Yeah. Missed one, found the other. And the male can't find either one of them. Oh. Well, classic. Research has found that at first evidence of a two-part sexual organ called a hemiclitoris, or hemiclitoris, however you say, in all nine species of female snakes they examined.

Does that thing have a hemi? Well, do you say clitoris or clitoris? Yeah, clitori. What do you put the emphasis on? Clitor or cli? Cl clitori what what do you put the emphasis on clitor or clit clitor clit okay female snakes have not one but two clitori clitorises according to research documenting the first formal evidence of sexual organ in snakes this two-part clitoris called a hemiclitoris is the it's present in at least nine snake species. Wow.

There's a lot known about the male genitalia, of course. But not so much really anything known about females, says Megan Fulwell. She's like, of course, they don't know anything about females. Yeah. University of Adelaide in Australia. Previous research was kind of all over the place about whether the snake clitoris existed. While you sell a debate,, Folwell and her colleagues began dissecting female snake specimens from the

University of Michigan zoology collection. Folwell says it didn't take much searching. You'll peel back the scanners right there in front of you, she says. They found hemiclitoris in all nine species they looked at and all were located on the underside of the snake's tail. This story in itself is funny

and it keeps going on. It must be broken. That didn't come. tale um this story in itself is funny and it keeps going on but i just i just find it broken that didn't come it must be broken i just think it's so funny that uh the correlation the correlation of of the joke about men not being able to find the clitoris and yeah you only got one and second like and how men get all the sexual stuff and women they're just you know it's and then so a woman researcher is she's just like i bet you i could find it let me take a peek i found it immediately oh there she walks in the laboratory and points at it from 12 feet away here look at it it's like i don't uh it's just a room full of guys all the dudes just have like binoculars and fucking like microscopes out like no it's like i don't uh it's just a room full of guys all the dudes just have like binoculars

and fucking like microscopes out like no it's like i can't find it she's right i can she wasn't even there for that she was like borrowing chalk or something watch what happens when i do this the snake snake squirt snake squirt i just like that it not just humans. I just think that's so funny. Like, even in the animal kingdom, they just don't care about. Snakes are further along than we are on the evolution process. So, they have two of them. Like, they're trying to up their chances of orgasming.

Eventually, human, like, they're going to have, like, 15 clits. It's just like, we got two of them just so you please fuck like it just runs up their stomach just nothing but clits i don't know it's the scene that goes all the way up it's like i said their palms like just like so you can't miss it just by shaking it's like an octopus tentacles they're all clitori so that's what we look like that's that's 500 million years from now uh female women are female women female humans will have 15 clits no women i'm killing it anyway uh yeah can i sniff really hard for a second because i feel like go ahead okay jesus christ oh then you coughed it all over me.

Oh, man. Okay, thank you for letting me do that. And then I wrote this little thing down. It was kind of funny. I was writing it and didn't realize what I was saying until I got done writing it. I was like, this sounds like human women getting the shaft. Getting the shaft. Hey.

Yeah. That's a snake. That's a snake coming. Hmm. I mean. Snakes are important to pharaohs. Yeah. In Egypt.

Well, at least... All right. I bet you they wish they had more powers, because they didn't make it. But they tried. Pharaohs? Yeah. They died. Well, yeah, because they got old.

Yeah. Well, not too uncommon. He was like 19. He kept it. Mummified. Man. Well, not tootin' common. He was like 19. He kept it mummified. Man, clits on snakes. All right. Anything else? I just thought that was...

I find it extremely funny. Yeah. It's just like guys, even smart scientists are like, well, of course, hey, can you find a clitoris? You'd think that they would be all over it. Okay. Yeah, I think if I could make a snake cum, I mean, yeah, of course I could. Okay, buddy. Scoot over.

Come on. Come on. You don't think that I am smart enough to make a snake cum? All right. Just like weird male ego. Come on. That alpha. Come on.

Of course I could. But like a scientist alpha come on come on um you don't think that i could uh make a snake come oh fuck no something like that should we move on to petty beef yeah all right let's hit it silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef.

All right, Yosef, let's do some Petty Beef. I got my imaginary briefcase. Lay it on me, Daddy Bri. Sorry. I just covered it up with a... I didn't want to do that in the courtroom. I know. All right.

You wrote this joke and it says, moving on to our Petey Beef. Oh, who's that? You left out a T, so it says Petey. Oh, I added an E too, so I'm killing it. Right. That too. Well, yeah, so it says Petey Beef. Petey Beef.

Coming in from our daughter blue all right is that a real name that's what she wrote okay hi step daddies hello for the past couple months my husband has been on a diet trying to cut processed food to be honest we both eat pretty clean however if there's something i won't compromise is on baked potato chips okay so i've been buying my chips like i always uh god let me try it again let me try it again i was doing so well with reading you were killing it so i've been buying my chips like always and this motherfucker eats almost the whole bag so i only get a few mind you i always ask while i'm at the store if he wants any snacks and his answer is always no because he's on a diet this behavior

often prompts a fight because they're my fucking chips yeah am i in the wrong here should i be better sharing or is he just being an asshole your loyal adopted daughter blue i know how i'm gonna answer this okay go ahead lay it on me it's the same thing about when you ask like your wife or whoever when you're at the, do you want fries? That whole thing. She's like, I don't want any. And then when you get them, she starts eating your fries. If he says, I don't want any, and then he's eating the whole bag,

he's in the wrong. He is absolutely in the wrong. And there is a higher road to take where you could just buy two bags of chips and then just hide your bag of chips yeah and then just hide hide your bag of chips if it's that important to you to have your have your snacky yeah but you're not like you're basically still getting away with it you gotta fucking let him you gotta let him have it yeah yeah you gotta lay it out there i'm not much of a foodie but there are student or like i'm not a foodie well i'm a sweets guy i'm a sweets guy. I'm a sweets guy. That's what I meant. Big potato chips. I am a big time foodie.

Lesson here. I'm pretty cultured. Pretty cultured. Big potato chips. Let me tell you about them. No, but just, I'm not a sweets guy, but there are certain things that if I buy them at the store or I see them in there and I come back and they're all fucking gone, I'm a little bummed.

If you buy yourself, let's say you bought yourself a snickers bar and you're like i was craving the snickers put it in the freezer maybe like a cold one yeah yeah i like to put it in the fridge and have a nice cold bar and then you come back and it's gone and it's like well fuck what the hell dude you think i just bought that for you yeah yeah i mean i'll share my things with you but ask me if you can have a bite or have some first. I'll be like, yeah, let's share it or whatever. Ask me first. I'm like, no.

I'm going to say no, but at least ask me. At least ask me. You have to respect me. Maybe I'll break it in half or in third and you can have some, but at least tell me that you're going to do this. Acknowledge that you know that I bought this for me. Because the worst thing, here's what can happen. It's 11 o'clock at night. You're craving a Snickers and it's not there. You can't just run to the store and get one because everything's fucking closed yeah

if the store is open and be like oh i hate you and i want to murder you but at least i can go get another one or you can go get it for me and i also like going to the going to the husband side of this i do i mean i see where he's going no no stop it just come on where he's like he's trying to be a good boy he's just trying his best to be on the diet thing and he doesn't want to be like yeah give me a bag of chips and he's like but it with your chips like i'll just have some of yours then we're like we're both splitting them and I'm not eating. He's not having some. He's eating the whole fucking bag, as she said. I feel like she might be exaggerating.

He eats almost the whole bag and I only get a few. I feel like she's exaggerating. I feel like he's having some of them and she's just mad about it. There's no way she could eat a whole bag. Is it like a Lunchableable size fucking bag of chips what are you getting here like from a subway like a little like would you like would you like chips your meal if he's on a diet if he's on a diet and let's say he goes to bed and she's he she goes to bed he's like fuck i want a snack i could i could see yourself eating an entire bag of something

that you really like that you've been depriving yourself of because you're you're dieting yeah yeah are you in a family uh is your relationship like hide food places relationship no i'm not i've never been in that i'm open every i'm everything is out there and i know there's like there's so many couples out there that will like hide snacks and shit around the house. My wife has done this before where, because she knew that I was trying to eat better. Okay. So, if she got something, she would hide it so that I wouldn't get into it because she was actually doing it. Because I'm a child?

Yeah, because she actually knew, like, she was actually being respectful because if he sees him, he'll want to eat him. Yeah. And so, it wasn't like I'm hiding it because I don't want him to know i'm eating him i'm just trying to keep him from eating it yeah which i respect that thank you mama yeah but but she's also she's also done it where she knew that um if i she got something and if i didn't know that i was going to eat it she's also done the other side where she just didn't want me to eat all of her stuff she's hiding around though candy whatever it is man man i've never been in that but i know there's there's a lot of that that goes that goes around i'm not sure what if you have like a like a an example of this that seems extreme

like you're like burying holes under a tree in the backyard for like your fucking wafers or whatever the hell's happening i want to hear about it because hiding stuff around don't worry about it but there's some extreme thing like keeping stuff under like car seats i've heard of that too where you have like whatever you got nutter butters under the passenger seat like just it's like what the fuck is happening like why dude when you when you strip all of this down who's caring that much it's like what the fuck is happening like why do when you strip all of this down who's caring that much it's about honesty and respect really is what this doesn't matter if it's food doesn't matter if you're buying if you're hiding drugs if you're hiding alcohol

if you're hiding whatever you're doing yeah it's a breach of uh trust right sure if you're if you're hiding booze and then you you your spouse doesn't know you're drinking but you're like hiding it under the car and you're going you're sneaking out and drinking um like there's some that's some real issues going on there that need to be figured out doesn't matter if it's drugs or a bag of chips you need to respect the person to not eat their fucking chips they don't eat their chips so i think blue you are right husband needs to stop eating your fucking chips and if he is not going to then you need to just buy more chips or the chips that you do buy hide them hide them yeah

i mean we just talked about how to break a trust or breach of trust but but if he's not if he's not respecting her to eat all her food what is what other choice does she have just hide the chips because what if she buys two bags and eats both of those? Right, he's like, thanks. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He just goes all fucking chip monster on her. Just smacks them all up.

Yeah, you got to lay some thunder down. Don't hold out. Don't hold out. Don't hold those chips. No, hold out. Hold out on the chips. Hold out on the sex. Boom.

All right. Quit eating my chips if you want some booze yeah you want some good news you can always withhold that what you want some good news sure okay let's do it so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah when i came across this story this week i happy clapped in my chair because I've had this thought for a long time. When I go to a fast food restaurant, okay, and I'm sitting and I'm dining in, I got my tuxedo on and I got my fucking Big Mac, okay? Why are they wrapping it and putting it in bags and shit when I'm just sitting at the table? Just fucking give me the big'm we're going three feet and i'm gonna eat the food like if you go to a normal

restaurant they don't wrap it in shit and put it in a bag and then bring it to you it's like no it's just it's food that's how food works bring it out on a plate that maybe you could like wash again when i'm done eating it so when i came across this article france is doing some cool stuff so currently big chains such as McDonald's and Burger King serve food on disposable tableware, including items such as boxes, cups. The environmental cost is absolutely huge with 30,000 plus fast food outlets in France

generating an approximate 180,000 tons of waste a year. Good God. And that's in bag. That's in bag. They're not serving it like in a hollowed out rock like it's thin ass paper and it's totally 180 000 tons it's fucking nuts i'm trying to picture the last time i just i sat in a fast food restaurant fast food restaurant and what what what they did with the food i'm trying to because it seems like they just brought out the food but i do remember sometimes when i'm you know get like a bag of burgers and they wrap them they every single one

that i've been to wraps the food there's no fucking because it's easy it's part of the process it's not like adding a step doesn't make it easier i mean they're back. Because it's easy. It's part of the process. It's not. Adding a step doesn't make it easier. Or I mean, they're back there, like, just, like, whipping it together. And, like, that's just kind of the whole bit. I don't. Yeah, maybe if they didn't do that, maybe my fucking cheeseburgers from McDonald's wouldn't look so awful. Maybe they look more like the goddamn commercial that makes them look so good.

Environmentalist groups are elated with the news and have referred to the new law, which will be introduced coming up on January 1st, so now, as revolutionary. The new model will see fast food restaurants with seating capacity of above 20 reverting back to an old-fashioned method of washing and reusing cutlery and plates for diners who choose to sit in i mean it makes no sense why this is great i hope that other countries including the united states follow suit with this we never do anything everyone knows it's so dumb it's so dumb it's so dumb like why you know what's really gross? What? Trays. Yeah. They're disgusting. Like, there's- If a fry falls off of my, out of my thing and lands on the tray- Yeah.

I fucking chuck that thing. Oh, I still eat it. They're so gross. Because then I'm like, oh, well, I'm already eating a Big Mac. Yeah. How much worse stuff can I put in my mouth? But the people- Tray fry in.

Just the people with all the syphilis and shit all over their hands handling the trays yeah i mean it makes me want to vomit i mean just put just put them on i mean plates is fine why not i'd rather just i'd rather and put them just wrap them put them in the bag and have the bag like tear down and become a plate oh just like stack the stack the food in the thing, but not with wraps on it. That's not going to work. No, no. I mean. Yeah, but don't even wrap it.

Like that's what they're saying. Yeah, I know. I'm not even talking about this anymore. You just like skipped over something else. I want to get rid of the tray. When you're using the wasteful plastic. Fuck it. Yeah, keep the wasteful bags.

I'd rather get rid of the trays that everyone's talking with their syphilis hands i don't know why i'm going to that but it's fine uh and then yeah cups like it is weird that when you go into a fast food restaurant and you're sitting in you get a like a fucking throwaway cup like you just give me a cup give me a cup give me a fucking cup i always go no i always take mine with me why yeah but, whatever. You get a refill to go with you. You are, you could ask for that. I would never, I fill my fucking pop halfway no matter what. Because I don't fucking need it. I'm a pop guy.

I know you're a pop guy. So pop people. But now they. Like, hey, I'm going to take this thing to go. Now they need a dishwasher. Now they need a dishwasher in place. Yes. There's more cost.

For the planet, you fucking. There's more cost. God damn it. The planet's fucked. God damn it. The planet's fucked. Just give up. They've been talking about the planet going to shit since the 80s. When I was a kid in the late 80s, we were watching videos about saving the planet.

And they're like, we're really close to the ozone going under. Here's 35 years later. And it's repairing itself? Yeah. Yeah. 180,000 tons. I'm going to get yelled yelled at for that i'm just fucking with you in one country yeah like worldwide that's fucking crazy so i hope that other places follow suit because that'll be i was trying to i was trying to be the guy that doesn't like the devil's advocate yeah yeah played and he's like

i don't fucking it's kind of like gas and electric cars yeah and really like oh there's a these all these announcements about more electric cars coming out and then you get the people all pissed off that because they're politicizing it making like oh the liberals want electric cars to take away my truck it's like no that's not why does it have to be that why can't it just be electric in all of reality it shouldn't even be electric anything it should be fucking hydrogen and things they've already have that run machines and then the byproduct is water but like we're just not doing that you can't sell that though how do you market that if you can just pour like things in your car and it works imagine if you could well then we'd suck we'd suck imagine us sucking all the ocean water up to run our cars that'd be great if we could make that use out of some salt water all set um all right anyway that was it want to see something i found the internet sure okay the internet is

pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Not entirely sure how I came across this, but I had in my desk, as we were talking about a little bit earlier at KXLY, I actually had in my drawer, it was like a big eraser. it said for big mistakes and it was like it was like it was like this big right um wish i had

that now no uh hey but it sat my desk and it was it was it was comically large and then you can buy on amazon right now if you're if you're quick because there's not there's only two left fuck the last time i checked there was five these things are flying out the door this is a 50 pound or a five pound fucking eraser it is 12.52 inches by 6.93 by 6.93 it is a brick of rubber it's 147 dollars it's a fucking gigantic eraser a five pound look at the third picture the guy's using two hands but what's funny about that is you'd have how do you hold the paper it's just well i mean you're stepping on it with your foot Now you're getting a shoe print on your paper Guessing not for practical use But really funny

$150 Funny Like Shaq The only person that would be like This is the right size Perfect size Like yeah BFG the big friendly giant

Got you something for Christmas Like that's the only person that logical father got you something for christmas is that like that's the only person that's going to use this thing but it is comical so if you're looking for something funny uh only 150 bucks it is not sold here i don't know when it would get here like it's gonna take a bit yeah it's all the writings in japanese or i don't know the last picture is just japanese writing yeah That's what it looks like. Or Chinese. It says 97%. I don't know what that is.

That's all it says. 97%. And there's a finger pointing. It's something. Maybe it's a 97% off. Or 97. It erases 90% of stuff. Could be.

Leaves 3% behind. Oh, man. That would be a really funny little thing to have at work. Yeah. Like if you had a little desk job and then you just have like resting in the corner a five pound foot and a half long just imagine like if you're let's say you're a manager or boss or something and you're you're doing like a review of an employee and you're just like so works well with the oh and then you grab the thing and it's just... One second.

Like you're opening some vault. It's a brief. You open up your briefcase. That's all that's in there? Do a little hand swipe? All over the person sitting there. It's like a cheese shredder. Cheese grater. Being covered like in...

God, what is the... Plexiglass when you start cutting that shit? Yeah. Get that shit in your eyes. Like blowing wood chips off your paper. Anyway, if you want to buy that five pound eraser, there's no other five pound eraser available. Go to Amazon. They have the Monopoly.

And search for super big size eraser. That's going to. And you can find it. It's the Radar 10 And search for super big size eraser. That's gonna... And you can find it. It's the Radar 10,000. Yes, it is. And then the smaller models are like... The Radar 1,000. The Radar 1,000 is 25 bucks. No one needs that. You have like, you have a 400 of those built

into that one big one. It just looks like a cream cheese package or something. I know. It's like a Costco cake with no decorations on it. Alright, let's hear from some of the the kids okay that's fine all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool all right joe our first email is coming in from our sharp shooting son Marco. Polo! Ha ha! Where you at? Fish out of water.

Oh. He's gonna play you had the fish out of water rule. What if you got out of the pool and you got caught? Ooh. I don't remember that. Okay.

Well. We weren't lame. That's what we did. We had to be flapping like a fish while you were out the whole time. Hey fuckwads. Hey.

Love the show. You guys are my entertainment while working nights. you were out the whole time. Hey, fuckwads. Hey. Love the show. You guys are my entertainment while working nights, but enough of the formalities. Short to the point. Got it. Story time. Look at that. About 10 years ago, we were having a bonfire at my sister's house. We threw a party because we fucking can.

Because we're adults. Well, someone brought out one of those lever action BB guns. Oh, yeah, brother. And was dumb enough to hand it to me. My cousin was in town from Houston, and I was supposed to hitch a ride back with him. Text, shut up. Well, as drunk as we was,

he saw me holding a BB gun. And he looked at me dead drunk in the eye and said, you won't. I pointed the gun at his foot and said i won't what again he says you won't so i did what any drunk 19 year old guy would have done when he put in a situation like yet i shot him right in the foot he ended up driving back to texas with me in his passenger seat in an awkward silence he never told his parents but they inevitably found out and still he didn't get looked at anyway that's my story

that accent was a little thick on that one i'm not really sure what you said he told his parent uh he never told his parents but they inevitably found out and still he didn't get get looked at there it is anyway that's my story do do what you want with it bye it is amazing how quickly like a well-placed like you won't do it i mean because there is like right now if you said something i was like you wouldn't do it in this situation you're like damn i wouldn't do it. In this situation, you're like, yeah, I wouldn't do it. It's not the moment. But there's certain times where that comes out. We hear it. We're like, do what?

Fucking, oh, damn. Look at me. I know. I've got a switchblade and fingerless gloves. Yes, you do. Goddamn, you're scary. But a well-timed, like, you wouldn't do it. Yeah.

It just escalates so fast so fast i like what one that pops in my head is there's a there's a river like oh it's called a creek it's called paradise creek it's not a paradise creek but you call it a creek called a creek uh and it separates the university of idaho campus from from Moscow, Idaho. Like going to downtown where the bars are. And there's a crick that runs through it. It is anything but paradise. It is shit. Poorly named

crick. And we were walking by it one time and my friend was fucking hammered. And he's kind of looking at it a little bit. It's like 10 feet. You can almost make it and my one buddy just loved to do shit he goes he goes you you can jump that he goes fuck you he goes like you know gets a fucking running start and gets right in the middle of it like like wasn't even close he's like three feet short now he's

soaked and then one of us has to walk him back he goes don't gotta come back with me change clothes like fuck dude like god damn you didn't have to do it but no one was mad at him they're all mad at the guy that asked him to you because like we all did you you knew he was gonna do it he's just laughing so hard he just keeps walking you couldn't do it fuck you couldn't do it you know couldn't do it you know grabs his belt does like the Chris Farley walk up like fuck you

I can't jump that crick but it's amazing that's all it takes that's all it takes this is why guys don't live long does that happen in the girl circle too

like you wouldn't do it and they're like fuck you I wouldn't I'm sure a lot more in the guy you couldn't jump your truck fuck you I couldn't yeah

but uh yeah well placed i want to actually i want to hear if there's any gals out there that do that kind of stuff with their friends because we okay perfect example we were eating breakfast the other day and i made the comment of these ladies that were sitting next to us oh you and i yeah yeah you know and i was just like god their conversation versus our conversation i was i couldn't help but just kind of overhear their conversation what they were talking about and then what we were talking about at the time like jesus christ like we were coming up with just ridiculous script ideas for videos and you kind of tune out it's like they're probably all

of them were 65 plus probably women and it's like they all were just thinking out loud like no one was really talking about anything like no i mean you know sometimes it's okay to have some toast and like but everyone's having their own fucking conversation there's nothing not one thing it was not you're right and then they weren't responding to each other they were just all now you're right i told jerry we can't be late this time and like but no one it's like no one is actually talking to each other and we're over over here like, yeah, you know what we should do? Like, we should make one about like these two guys and they throw stuff at each other. And he vomits on you.

And he vomits. And they turn up. No, no, I told him he can't be late again. Like, not this time. Cutting her. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Cutting her over medium egg. Or the fuck she was having.

Ah, jeez louise. Well, how do you feel about episode 32 that was fun you got some you got good feels in your belly yeah it was magic i loved it it was right it was tied over the bow magic johnson uh i'm going to not read anymore my nose is too stuffy will you wrap up the wrap up the show oh yeah i think i could do that uh let me where are we at? Where are... Okay. Oh, yeah. So is this the outro? Yeah, yeah. Where we talk about the gaggle?

Yes. Hey, guys. Hey. If you want to be part of the gaggle and go into Patreon, it's climbing, Joe. I know. Can you believe it? Feels good. A lot of new geese in there.

Become part of the gaggle. Patreon.com. A Can You Don't podcast. Be sure to follow us on the the instagrams and the facebooks at can you don't podcast and we will do that rotten sled post

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A boosty, eh? And then everyone joining The Playground Can You Don't Playground On Facebook Yeah, thanks to the babysitters God, they're so good For moderating

I know, and like We pay them in Trident layers. Remember that commercial? Nope. Are you ready to wrap it up? We got a funny for you. Yeah. You're going to hate it.

Wrap it up and slip it in. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I know that sound. Don't make me stick you, Joe. I dream about that sound. It was sent in by our son, Eric. Okay.

It's a classic. My wife asked me if I had seen the dog bowl. When I told her, I didn't even know he could. Oh, no. Well, dude, I had so many thoughts when you said that, because I was thinking dog bowl like a Super Bowl, but for dogs. Oh, yeah. And then I was thinking, have you seen the dog bowl, because where they eat?

So there was three immediately. They could have taken it so many ways. Yeah. My brain exploded. Didn't even know he could. I like the idea of... Like a doggy football game? Yes.

Well, they have the puppy bowl. Yeah, you're right. And it sucks. It's never good. You can they have the doggy, the puppy bowl. Yeah, you're right. And it sucks. It's never good. You can pretend it is, but it's not good. People watch it, like I pretend it's good.

Just don't do it. It's terrible and everyone knows it. Kind of like the Pro Bowl. Yeah, exactly. We'll see. I'd rather watch the puppy bowl than the Pro Bowl.

That's fair. If you are part of the Patreon, we'll keep going for the bonus content. If you're not, well, I guess see you later. Come join us. Come join us. you are part of the patreon we'll keep going for the bonus content if you're not well i guess see you later come join us come join us be a part of vip stuff we'll see you next week if you're not in the vip be our guest be our guest or i'll stick you with my chest blade oh man you