Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Hairy Arm. Liftgate. Twilight. Orange chicken.

Episode Date: November 1, 2023

What would the world look like today if we could go out for dinner and then just pay with a beaver pelt when the check came? Let's talk about that, sleeping with a different stranger every single day, how amazing it is that we aren't all off the charts with anxiety all the time, getting pissed about your air-conditioned seats being a little bit too noisy, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/qinVhR59ZIUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Harry Arm, Liftgate, Twilight, Orange Chicken. 72? Michael Bennett. You know what I heard through the grapevine? What? Is that this was Zach's old football number. I was fucking around on Dickipedia. I'm not sure if you guys saw it.

They're right. Yeah, deep cut. Oh, yeah. Elon. Elon being like, I'll give you a billion to change the Dickipedia. It's pretty funny. It's like giving a teenager a bunch of money. This teenager's like, I don't know.

Fucking Dick Hub. Am I right? It's fucking for your name. It'll give you a billion dollars. I mean, he basically bought a giant company and changed the name. Changed the name and then yelled at people. That's just like what he did. You buy McDonald's and just change it to like Dick Donald's.

Yeah. It's fair to say that X is cooler than Twitter though. I mean, Twitter's a cute, like, uh, X is like, okay,

we're serious now. X don't give it to you. Twitter going. Nope. Nope. That's close. Twitter's not going to do shit. Yeah.

Twitter's like, that was actually, I impressed myself. Don't do it again. I won't. I promise I won't. No, no, I impressed myself with that one. Guys, that was actually i impressed myself don't do it again i won't i promise i won't you know i impressed myself with that one guys that was nice uh episode 72 can you don't of course

subscribe to us on patreon head over to patreon or not patreon i guess you could go to patreon.com and click on the search button go go sign up for Patreon and then go into the thing. www.google.com www.google.com www.google.com www.google.com www.google.com Go to Yahoo and type in Google. Yeah, go to AltaVista.

Oh, jeez. Just fucking sign up. That's what I'm trying to say. Just sign up about it. What's the big deal? Stop signing up about it Yeah Yeah what's the big deal Stop signing up about it Yeah quit being so fucking Big whoop

I'm not gonna do it How about you just do it Yeah Just do it Do a good thing today All the cool geese are doing it You'll find a link In the episode description

Send something to the show That's heyguys At canyoutopodcast.com We got new merch Man Just fucking Mer merch train rolling. Driving truck. Driving tractor.

Driving tractor living house. That's your shirt. It's got you a nice little tractor, little water tower in the backyard. Stylin'. What just happened? You just throw something? What is going on?

Oh, no. You're going to be able to make it there with your headphone leash? Oh, he's laying down. God, I wish I could film that. Your ass looking good. He's twerking on the floor, guys. Get it.

Get it. 72 is going to be a good episode. Twerking for the weekend. Twerking for the weekend. Now, head over to CanyonPodcast.com. Got a brand new shirt in there. You mix up the colors a little bit. You got like your standard stuff, but there's also some different colors available for that

driving tractor living house t-shirt. And we're going to do a quick mail call. Thank you to everyone who's sending stuff in to decorate the studio and just fun things that you wanted to send in in general. That's what happened. I threw the pin that I was- You son of a bitch. The bee flew off of it. you know the bees for yeah it's for boy it's for why yep the bees for brian that's about as good as those outfit books out there b for brian b is for

brian and speaking of those pens we'll say thanks say thanks to Chelsea sending in a bunch of custom pens. You got a bag of dicks, a satchel of Richards. Just the works. Check this out. Bag of dicks, satchel of Richards. Or a bag of fucks. What did I say? Just, I mean, here, take some of these.

Look at this shit. They're so cool. Dude, you ripping pens out of my hands with leather gloves on Yeah Fucking hot Zach you've got things here too Like this one has This one that I just looked at says sexy honk on it Business hands approved Moretta you misspelled Nickelback

That's fine Show me your dick Uncle Zach This one has This one has a little Z on the bottom Ew Thank you Chelsea I'm gonna throw it by the door I'm gonna call you in here in a second to eat something Hey me Uncle Zach! This one has a little Z on the bottom. Ew. Thank you, Chelsea. I'm going to throw it by the door.

I'm going to call you in here in a second to eat something. Hey, me. It's me. Hey, me. Yeah, I got a Joe Dick with a J off the bottom. Can you don't? I have one that says, this is. And then dot, dot, dot, petty beef.

Petty beef, yeah. Just so good. Thank you so much, Chelsea. Little show references all over the pins. Yeah. Thanks to Valoo from Canada. We talked about some ketchup chips

back in the day and we can't get them down here. Brian, guess what, dude? You got some? Did they send mustard chips? No, they didn't, but we got some fucking ketchup chips. Yeah. We're going to try them.

Sorry about the noise. Canada's got the shit. No, they didn't, but we got some fucking ketchup chips. Yeah. And we're going to try them. Okay. Sorry about the noise. Dude, Canada's got the shit. It's a zesty mortal from Trailer Park Boys. It's like zesty all over or something. Dude, the rest of the world has way better treats than we do. We have like two companies that make the treats. You know how much.

Dude, reaching in this bag with leather gloves. Dude, how cool do I look right now? Pretty sweet. All right. I'm going to try them. Ready? First time. Misophonia, go.

Okay. Yeah. Think french fries, bitch. It's got a little more vinegar vibe than I thought. Here. Take a peek. Zach, get in here. I know it was like a month ago that I was like.

It smells like ketchup. Whoa, crazy. Weird. Fine. That's good. Yeah, it is good. It's kind of like... Zach is not coming.

Oh, here he is. Towards the barbecue. Zach's like, I'm on my way, and I just hear his car start. He's like, I'm fucking out of here. This place sucks. Get over here. Eat some chips. This was... Do you remember? It was probably three, four weeks ago now. And there were... Good, here. This place sucks. Get over here. Eat some chips. This was, do you remember?

It was probably three, four weeks ago now. And there were, good dude. These are good. Bless her heart. There was such an issue with getting these fucking ketchup chips over here. We got sent back to her a couple times. Oh, man. They showed up in a box.

It looked like. Canada's not supposed to do business with us, I guess. They have their chips. They won't send them to us. Okay. It's all legal shit that we're doing. I have, and I have my yeah, so good But you already knew all about them because you've done a ketchup chip thing

Still legal Jesus legal shit. Oh, yeah, you wanna you can have them. Hey, there's your pen right there by the supply Get the fuck out of here god damn it But thank you so much. I knew that was a fucking pain in the ass to make that happen. Thanks to Chelsea. Thank you so much, Chelsea. Sending those awesome custom pens, the Bag of Fox, the Satchel Richards, blah, blah, blah. Thanks to Lindsay. She sent in a neon eggplant sign that we'll put up and much, much more.

And I have to say sorry. She sent in one of those flip-off birds. Oh, really? Yeah. And it just exploded in the mail. Oh. So I got it, and it was chalk. So there's that.

But I have good news. I already ordered a new one, so that's on the way. Oh, cool. Yep. Thanks to Kelly for sending in the yodeling pickle. All right. Go ahead and check this out. Good.

Here's a yodeling pickle. Go ahead. Yodel, yodel, yodel. Hold let me let me turn this thing on for you hold on hold on yeah i'm holding it has a bunch of songs i like how it undulates do you dude that's like a dill that's just a fucking dildo isn't it I like how it undulates. Do you? Undulation. Dude, that's like a dildo. That's just a fucking dildo, isn't it?

It's a dill, but... Ah, dill. You gotta take that hat off first. But you can do like the funny... Hey! Hey! I'm a big dildo! I'm a big dildo! And the movie made that so...

It's all cheeky about it. Dude, he's mocking me. You son of a bitch. He only speaks truth. And the movie made that so... It's all cheeky about it. Dude, he's mocking me. You son of a bitch. He only speaks truth. Okay, we're done. We're done. And I guess while I'm down here,

a big thank you to Ludwig von Bacon for the amazing artwork. You can check out everything he does at lvbart.com. But we have the Forbidden Goose, which is hard to show. And then you have the Silly Goose CEO over there. So he made these. Yeah. These are custom.

Custom made. How cool is that? Custom kitchen. It's got a kazoo. It's going honk out of the kazoo. People were very turned on about your evil sexy honk i'm like that was on was that on the bonus side last week i think so i remember we wrapped up the show with an evil i blocked out i don't know an evil sexy honk did i have so many pens over here have fun uh quick shout out before

we get going today eric wanted to wish amber covella i thought you could see my wife no no you're like what a bummer way to find out that Eric's fucking your wife. You know what I mean? An anniversary for our first fucking affair. That's sweet. The affair. First one. Many more to come.

But Eric wanted to wish his wife, Amber, a happy anniversary. That's tomorrow, right? Coming up tomorrow from the time we're recording this, which is November 2nd. Las muertos. Day of the dead. Yeah. Dia de la muertos. Day of the dead. Yeah. Day of the muertos. She is my soulmate

and my best friend and my teammate for seven years. Thank you, dads. You're welcome. Congratulations, Eric. I was going to make a joke, but I'm not going to.

About what? Man, just... He's going to let it go? Yeah. Into the atmosphere? Yeah. Okay. Oh, boy.

Fine. If you get the balls later. But i mean it wasn't all right hey let's get the show going okay all right hey shut up start the show already dude those i'm craving those ketchup well fucking zack oh yeah i didn't thank Lindsay for the... We got the seat chairs, too, like the seat cushions. And they're geese. They're little gooses, which we're sitting our

butts on them right now. Oh, look at that. Vanna White. Cute. They're cute. Don't be upset if they're not here moving forward. We're sitting on them today for the episode But they're just not quite the right fit For the chair that we have

Yeah we gotta get them dialed in We'll get new chairs Fit the goose seats Yeah I'd rather have new chairs that fit the goose seats Than the other way around We'll put them on the production chairs Alright so here we go This was sent in by our

Daughter Margie who said that she's been working on this one for a while, which I absolutely love because that happens to me all the time. We have the first half of Would You Rather. It's just not right. You're like, this is fine, and you think of

something and you're like, that's not... That's just not going to do it. And you just sit on it until it finally comes to you down the road. And it hits you, you're like, this is fine. And you think of something, you're like, that's not, that's just not going to do it. And you just sit on it until it finally comes to you down the road. And it hits you, you're like, that's going to be great with this one. So here's what Margie brings to the table for us here on episode 72. Would you rather share a twin-sized bed with a stranger every time you need to go to sleep? Or! every time you need to go to sleep. Or every time you take a shower, there's a stranger standing on the other side

of the shower curtain who reaches their hand around the curtain to wash your body for you. Different stranger every time. Is the is it a different stranger every time you sleep too? Or is it the same?

Well, I guess you wouldn't be a stranger after a while. You'd just be your wife. Hey! So there's that. Poor dude. Husband. Hey, which should also be your wife, depending on... I mean, it's 2023, am I right?

Hey! So, I mean, I guess it comes down to sleeping next to someone you don't know or getting rubbed down by someone you don't know. Especially if you just need to grab a quick nap and you go lay down and then some stranger comes walking in. Hello, friend. And lays down. Yeah, it's even for a nap. Do they cuddle with you or just lay next to you? That depends on who's there and how lonely they are and how lonely you are yeah you determine like whether you cuddle or not

or if they're just feeling like they want to cuddle imagine trying to be it's i mean it's it takes the covers yeah you're like fuck gambled and lost a new adventure every day jeff likes to spoon comforter. Noted. Dear diary. Hopefully Jeff doesn't show up again. So if you're in the shower and like some hairy arm reaches in there and you're like, oh, fuck. But someday it's this pretty well-maintained manicured hand reaches in there.

On your sexual preference. Yeah, do they? You might want a little hairy hand coming in there on your your sexual preference yeah do they you might want a little hairy hand coming around well yeah i mean i'm just speaking from my perspective me for me yeah yeah okay um and do they do they just wash you or do they get to you know finish the job i think just wash your body you have to finish the job and they can focus on the dick though, right? Like get that real clean. Really clean. I know that we're guys.

I know that we're guys. And 90% of your shower time is just like cleaning. What do you get? You get your beard and your dick. That's it. Yeah. I don't go past the knees. No.

I haven't bent over in the shower since two days. What are you saying? Since nom. Yeah. How about that? So you're saying you have some dirty buttholes no no no i clean the butthole okay i don't go past my knees oh knees i'm sorry i don't know where my butthole is i don't know where your butthole is but i was

thinking waist i guess that's uh my bad that is your bad that's a funny thing a hangy butthole down by the ankle area just a blown out windsock What if your butthole Is still skinned but it hung down like a boob Oh no It's just the actual Entrance to your butt was hanging Just hanging down Like you know those air guns

You can shoot the air ring at somebody Like you pull the back out Just take the frame out of that And that's your butthole Yeah that sucks Like a tail no one wants Yeah. Yeah. Just take the frame out of that. That's your butthole. Yeah. Yeah, that sucks. Yeah, that's not a... Like a tail no one wants. Mm-hmm.

When you have to poop, your butt's just dangling, waiting to... You have to wring it out. It's kind of like one of those cake things, the frosting, where you're like writing on the cake, you know? Yes. I know what you're saying. You get it, right? Yeah.

Prolapsed. Look at... Prolapse.. Look at prolapsed. Prolapsed. Hold on. I got something for that. Prolapsed. Prolapsed. Anus.

There it is. Anus. Anus. Ooh, yeah. Anus. Anus. Anus. Yeah.

Anus. Prolapsed. Anus. Prolapsed. Anus. Prolapsed. Prolapsed. Prolapse. Prolapse.

So, yeah, in Stranger in the Bed, she didn't, you know, it has nothing to do with whether you're single or not. So you're a married fella, you know, and regardless, when it's sleep time, someone's coming in to snuggle so that's going to be an issue right yeah well yeah not to snuggle but just to sleep what if they're a snorer what if they have uh what's it called sleep apnea so it's like there's like and you're just my life all you're trying to do Is just get a quick Just a quick wink It's a quick wink in Yeah

Go for a power nap And fucking Chad shows up And just some guy like And the pause Before the gasp Yeah And you're like

Fuck God I should have just gotten washed yeah you might get the hottest you might get the hottest thing ever but it's a twin bed so you're cuddling no matter what yeah i mean you guys can touch butts oh it says i didn't even what didn't even notice that it was a twin size bed yeah. Yeah, you're going to be... Oh, shit. I was thinking like the bed that I have now, but just some stranger in it. There's room for three. Yeah, no, you have a twin-sized bed.

So like my kid's bed. Mm-hmm. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. But getting washed down by a stranger? A stranger that you don't even know? But it's just a hand. A stranger that you don't even know what they look like is what I meant to say.

Yeah. Because obviously you don't know. It's a stranger. Plus they're going to say different shit every time. They're going to talk. Do you like, do you like, do you like, is this your, is this your favorite type of soap? Do you like huckleberries? It doesn't say that they talk, does it?

No, but they would. They would, yeah. You know it. They would. Well, does the person lay next to you and talk while you're sleeping? If they talk in their sleep? No, I mean it doesn't say that it just says you're sharing a bed so they may they might just be in there like you know you guys ever think about like the meaning of life you're like dude i'm just trying to get a quick 20 minute nap listen i've got i'm i promised i

was making sloppy joe's tonight so if you could shut the fuck up, Dane, this would be a lot easier. He's like, that's fine. Just wonder if sometimes you wonder why we're here. Sorry to ask so many questions. Sorry to ask so many questions, but like, why are you so pretty? He's like, just go to fucking bed. Please, Dane, go to bed. Okay, yeah, I'll go to bed

Right after I figure out why I'm here And how do they get there? Do they magically appear? Do they walk through the door? Like, do they come sliding through Like Kramer, they're pumped to be there? That's the whole thing, like, if you lay in bed Do you get to sprawl out Then they have to try to fit on the bed

Or when you go to lay down They're just like, they're already in there Like, fucking Steve's just laying In the bed and you have to I to fit on the bed or when you go to lay down they just like they're already in there like maybe fucking steve's just laying in the bed you have to i was expecting you yeah you're like fuck i know i know let's say listen i i hate this as much as you do if you sleep with me like i mean it hasn't been forever but like i you know i snore i snore. I snore. Like an embarrassing, sometimes an embarrassing volume, which is, you know, sad for me and I feel bad. But like maybe you're torturing them. You know, like maybe you're the problem. Like they don't want to be there.

Like it's just something they have to do. You show up and ruin their sleep. This is the, essentially what's happening here is kind of like you're, there's two people that have this thing going on, right? Just a roulette of people? Yeah, it's revolving. So, yeah, both people are being tortured. I don't know, man. I feel like I bathe every day or, you know, in some form.

In some form but in some form like shower or you know I guess some form yeah to be more specific in some form like you know bath yeah I go down to the Spokane River yeah yeah golden shower rub a dead body all over me you know it's one way or another I'm getting water on me yeah liquid anyway but if I if I over me, you know. In one way or another, I'm getting water on me. Yeah. Liquid, anyway. But if I take a shower, you know, like, it takes me 15, 20 seconds to wash. I know. So. I'm going to shower.

When you break it down like that, like. I mean, the shower thing's kind of helpful. Yeah. Like, you could cut your shower time in half. If you're just washing your hair and someone's like, like your butthole you're like thank you or you're rubbing one out and they're like rubbing your butthole that's fun you've you've come uh you've come quite the way over the course of our podcast together bud because when we started like but your butthole was nothing but i think you know getting your getting your butthole like a little like a little rub while you're tugging one out

not in just stimulation no no i know i know that when we're talking about is like you're putting like a putting stuff in your butt yeah i had never done that like a bar of soap. Yeah! Dude, I'm all over these buttons today. Yeah, you are. Coming in hot with the buttons. Yeah.

It just makes too much sense to me to have somebody wash my body. It does feel good. It seems like now I'm just living the life. If you think that all the richest, rich people in the world are washing their own bodies all the time, they're like, no, thank you. Well, no, I mean, you watch those old shows like Spartacus is so great.

Wash me down? Yeah, or like Coming to America. That's what I'm thinking. He's in the bath and the ladies are in there washing him. Your royal penis is clean. It's clean, yeah. Mr. Bezos. Mr. Bezos?

Your penis has free shipping, Mr. Bezos. Yeah, it does. Two days. Two days at least. Sleep is just too important to have to deal with that shit. Body wash, body wash. Zach? Same.

Just close your eyes or look away and just imagine it being whoever you imagine. Or don't. Just realize how funny it is as someone you don't know. If it's a hairy arm, I'll be like, okay, it's Jared Leto. But we'll see how good he jerks me off. Yeah. Don't judge an arm by its cover. What if all of a sudden you saw him in a movie and you're like, I used to think he's hot.

Now he can't even jerk a dick off. Yeah, this guy sucks at rubbing buttholes. This is the worst butthole rub I've ever had also although he was in more like jared letdown am i right still got it oh sorry there it is what what uh what movie was that where he was had aids and stuff nice i don't want that jared leto i don't want that Jared Leto. I don't want the AIDS Jared Leto. Which one was that? It was the one where McConaughey had AIDS too.

American Cowboy. No, not American Cowboy. Urban Cowboy. What was it called? It wasn't anything with a cowboy. What? It wasn't? He was a cowboy.

American Hustle? No. It wasn't American anything. It was Dallas Buyers Club. Dallas Buyers Club. All right. All right. Nice. Dallas Butyers Club. Dallas Buttholes Club.

Dallas Buttholes Rub. You can find that on what? X Hamster? What's that one? I'd watch the shit out of that. Watch the shit out of that? Alright, we're still killing it. Alright, let's move on. What are you thinking about? I think we're done. Would you rather...

Would you rather... Dallas Buyers Club or watch your butthole rub or whatever? Dallas butthole rub. Whatever. Both are great. Both didn't get the recognition they deserve. True. All right, Zach, fucking roll it. Hey.

Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about you remember making those sounders yep me too all right so that was fun this is what i've been thinking about okay and i have been i will admittedly you know what i'm taking this fucking pop it off i mean it looks good though it does i am wearing the uh the can you don't sweatshirt. Pop it off. I mean, it looks good, though. It does. I am wearing the Can You Don't sweatshirt. Available right now.

Can You Don't Plug It? It's available. Hold on. It's tough to slide this over the power of my fingerless leather gloves. Hold on. I've been thinking about this particular thing for a long time, but I just got a reminder of how much I hate it. And before we get into it, I understand that it's a first world problem.

Okay? Yeah. Like, I'm not being like, oh, fuck. Poor Joe. Yeah, poor Joe. But I just want to know how this came to be. Like, when my car was being made, or any car probably since fucking hydraulics were involved there had to have been a process where someone decided the speed for lift gates on cars to open okay because if you remember

from our childhood if you pop the trunk dude that trunk's popping like you're like it's like like it's coming up it is open the second you unlock that thing you push the button your car the trunk it's called popped for a reason right yeah pop the trunk pop the trunk because it pops up and what i want to discuss this week is why the fuck are lift gates on cars so slow i feel like i know the answer and it's not funny though the answer is not what they're scared about getting a kit in somebody dumb dumb shit so like a trunk a trunk you have to pay a truck pops up i got both things that okay go ahead a truck pops pops up nothing's up over a car yeah right but the uh the the lift gate goes out and up oh yeah

yeah i get it i get it you're in a hurry you got things to do dude i got but what if you're in the back what if you're in your car and like i need to pop the the lift key push it and somebody's walking by with their groceries how far do you think that thing is whipping and you think like a couple feet the way that you're that thing is whipping? A couple feet? The way that you're describing it is like I'm asking for it to be like a jet engine to whip out. Well, like the speed of a trunk would pop.

The speed of a normal thing in the world is what I want a liftgate to be. Where you... This is... So like, my car has... Even has like the foot kick, right? It can kick your leg under the bumper and it goes, it beeps at you, gives you a warning. And then it goes. pretty good

yeah do you get my point oh no i get it like i mean there's got to be a healthy medium it's like when the lift gates were being and they're like this seems like a reasonable pace and it's like and the guy in the safety guy was like i don't know i seem like they seem that that's a bloody nose that's a lawsuit so what we're gonna have to do is dial it down to 15 seconds for my fucking lift gate to open. And the reason I thought about it recently was because I bought pumpkins. So I'm carrying pumpkins out to my motherfucking car and holding them. And I'm walking up and I go,

Ooh, and I even use the foot thing, which never works the first time. So you just kick your car like a fucking lunatic and you kick your car again. And then it works. And it just goes, and you're so close. I was hoping you were going to do it again. No, we don't have time for that.

Listen, we're on a time crunch, baby. Healthy or heavy pumpkins. Heavy pumpkins. And I'm holding them and you kick it and you're just so it's like a it's like watching a garage door open. Right. You push it's like and you have time to push it at the back of the garage and then go up to the front and stand there and still wait for it to move like have you seen kids hang on to that and almost get

dropped on their head yeah but they couldn't hang on to it if it went fucking faster could they fair it would flip it would make them do a backflip probably which is sick so listen you're welcome you land it yeah well whoflip probably. Which is sick. It's pretty sick. So, listen, you're welcome. If you land it. Yeah, well, who cares? If you don't land it, then it's not sick. I'm not saying to rip it open. Oh. I'm just saying, they don't have to be spring-loaded.

Like, not a safety concern, but they're so goddamn slow. So, what do you call it? Instead of popping the trunk, what would you call it? Popping the hatch? No, instead of popping it, because it's not popping anymore. No, it's not. Letting me down? Yeah.

Can you hold these pumpkins while the gate opens slow? Or whatever? It's so depressing. I know you guys know what I'm talking about. No, I do, because my wife, she'll start pulling it up, and I'm like, stop it, because you're going to fuck up the hydraulics which will make it slower and she's still she's she gets impatient so she lifts it up which i get yeah but i'm like you can't do that and i don't know much about hydraulics but to me it seems like what's the amount of hydraulic scientists pull something up faster than it should

go it seems like that's going to affect it negatively am i right like a screen door i think it's a problem with the hydraulics is really what it is here. Speed the hydraulics up. Even with the screen door. Like when you have a slow screen door, not one that goes and then catches and goes, yeah. Like imagine pushing like a,

like a safety drawer in your kitchen closed or you're like, Oh fuck, I want a spoon. And you pull on it and it goes, cause it's scared about punching a kid in the face. in your kitchen closed. Or you're like, oh fuck, I want a spoon. And you pull on it and it goes... Because it's scared about punching a kid in the face? To be fair, you use a drawer in the house a lot more

than you use your lift gate. Tell that to a UPS driver. Tell that to a guy who's buying pumpkins. Do you think a UPS driver has a thing that goes... I just yelled out the first thing that came to mind Well that doesn't apply Because they have one of those things

Where you just rip it open Okay you're right God my gloves are making me sweaty You're right it doesn't apply Are you happy? Get your facts straight So what I'm saying is Fuck that shit

If I push the button I know what I'm doing. I know the danger zone I'm in. But you don't know if some old lady's walking in between your car and her car. I'm not sitting in the front seat punching kids. I'm not sitting like

if I don't park it safe way and go, you know what? Throw it open! See, that's your problem. No one does that. No one gets into the car and then goes you know what this is the only way to open it

you go to the back and you push the thing and he goes not me you sit down to push your eject button no not all the time

but when we're if I'm in the car I'm like let's open the back we gotta get into it I push it that way it's open by the time I get back there

what if it did two beeps and then shot open like a fucking jack in the box? That's fun. I'm all for it. Okay. I just, I get why they do it. Okay. Obviously.

Okay. So what I'm getting at is I fucked that. And I think that you should be able to push it and have it just like go. What if you were able to set your own speed? Just give me a chance. What was that? There's a bug flying around or something. Yeah, give me a chance. What was that? There was a bug flying around or something. Yeah, sure, that's great.

I mean, cars have all the cool things these days. Why not? That's true. We swing our doors open. We're more likely to swing a door open and hit the car next to us than smash a passing kid. Yeah, totally. Or smash your... If you pop your lift gate and smash your own face,

you deserve to have your own face smashed by your fucking liftgate. Like, you deserve that. Because you push it. You pull it. You're there. You pop it. You push it. You pull it.

You twist it. You pop it. Pass it. But this did get me thinking. and I get why they close slow. That's not the issue. You don't want to lose a finger. Got it. Or blast your kid in the head and come back down.

But on the way up, can we just do something about it? It's just, it's fucking stupid. But this got me thinking about some other first world problems about my car. These are all things that have to do with my car. I think that they're just funny. You have a car as a first world problem. Thank you. I think you're pretty funny.

Thank you? That I think of. Thanks. My air conditioned seats are a tad bit too loud for my liking. God, there's like this hum. This super luxury item is just too much. And I'm just not a big fan of it. I don't like it. I just think they're a tad bit too loud.

When I wear my polarized sunglasses it makes it difficult to see my HUD. Can you adjust the brightness on that? No, it's just not on my glasses. If I want to know how fast I'm going, I have to tilt my head so I can see my heads up display i know um you're all getting older though yeah it could be neck issues and i look at my my steering wheel and my wedding band scratch the weather the leather on the steering wheel which i think is pretty fucked up manufacturing for sure you're

fine now though yeah yeah my car turns off automatically when i stop at a red light and i don't like that it uh seamlessly starts back up when i need to drive again because what if it didn't start back up that's always like i said this before but i i don't i don't know anything about internal combustion engines indians but i um i don't know like i get i get that it's supposed to help but in my brain it's like if you if something starts and stops over and over again it seems like it would be bad for it but they figured it out yeah they wouldn't put it in there for custom i know that's like i get it but like at the same time like seems like it... Yeah. So you get it. Like your starter is going to go out or something. Yeah.

Well, they used to say with old cars that if you started it and then turned it off and started it, that would be more gas than if you idled. Oh, true. Remember those? Yeah. So that's the intuitive thing that you're thinking. Yeah. But they figured it out.

Because the idle, I get. They wouldn't put it in if it cost a bunch of money in Brookshire. This is worse for the environment. Well, that's why you have an electric car. You don't have to worry about it because it just sits. I have to say that because I'm getting tagged in so many Tesla things. And I never even talk about having one. I just, I'm lumped into it.

You don't have to. We all know. It was Joe's fault. It's just the way you present yourself. We all know you have a Tesla. This is the last one. The tone of my in-vehicle navigation robot. The lady, he doesn't sit well with me.

Yeah. So I never use it. I don't like her tone. She's fucking annoying. I get that. Kind of all monitored. I also get. So like when my, if I'm driving my wife's car and she'll plug in her phone or it'll

just be on like Bluetooth and she'll be texting a friend or something or I'll be listening to a song and the good part comes on and her thing's like and it cuts the volume out. Chaking the left. No, it's just the text message noise. Oh, that's the word. You can't, it's not on the volume.

So it's just like you could turn the music down or as loud as it can go and it's the same volume. But it cuts into the music. I love these. And the good part's coming in and it's the same volume. But it cuts into the music. I love these. And the good part's coming in, and it's just like, you got a message. I'm trying to think of what song, just at the top of my head,

because I've just been following Creed lately, like right before the chorus of higher hits. Can you take me? Can you turn the volume lower? To a place where golden Take a left Can you take me In 500 feet

In 500 feet Take a left out of your driveway I know how to get to my fucking neighborhood And then all of a sudden you're doing the math like Oh god The bridge is coming up in 500 feet. So when it tells me to turn left. You just slow way down to not miss the chorus.

You want to get the chorus first. You just want to at least hear the. Yeah. All right. You want to slide off with some dick? Are you ready? Yeah. Okay.

Let's scape. Okay. Let's scape. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick.

So many songs. I'm thinking about what you just want to, don't want to miss the good part. And it's happened so many times where that lady just comes in. And she's just nagging. And sometimes she has nothing to say. Oh, yeah. She goes, like, you know your town.

And she goes, coming up, stay left at the Y. It's like, it's not even a fucking Y. The issue is, if I would've went straight, I would've hit a fucking house. So yeah, I'm gonna go to the left.

Because if I went straight, I would kill my family. Well, why did you have your navigation on if you know where you're going? Oh. Navig- because you're leaving town. We'll wait until you get out of town. Start later. Oh, and fire it up later? Yeah. Oh my God! Okay, so what else, Brian, do you want to be right about?

What else logical things could you say? What's another thing that you want to do? Huh? Let's just do it you want to do. Okay. We'll just do what Brian wants to do. Let's just do it. You want to do it. Okay. We'll just do what Brian wants to do. Let's just rename episode 72 Brian stuff that he does. I like that.

Yeah, me too. I'm for that. Brian. Brian. I got a quick TomTom story. What? Remember the old TomTom? The shoe?

No, it was before GPS, before Google Maps and stuff. It was the same thing that cheerleaders have? It was just an old school GPS thing. Can you imagine fucking hitting together two dudes named Tom? Fucking Tom Toms? Tom Tom. But I was on the San Francisco, the Bay Bridge, and it kept telling me, it's like, take a left here. Take a left here.

It's like, I will die if I, Tom Tom, stop it. You're not nice to me. Just end it. Just end it. Yeah, that's it.'s nothing to live for nothing to live for you've let everyone down appreciate you that was all my story it's just like okay good advice tom tom thank you i'll cancel your upcoming shows take a left would you like me to cancel any plans you have you're like no thanks your life then go then go straight if press two if you'd like to jump off the fucking bridge that sounds like something a tesla would have it does actually yeah uh okay here we go so this is just such a funny situation to me here's

the headline mcdonald's customer tries to pay for meal with potato chip package and a sock. Which, if there's one place this might fly, it'd be fucking McDonald's, am I right? So a British, a drunk British McDonald's customer tried to barter for his meal, and it cost him hundreds of dollars, and seeing the birth of his child.

This guy's... I feel for him. Do you? Sometimes you get lost. You know? Sometimes you just get lost in the wash. And you lose track of what you're doing and what's important. Socks get lost in the wash.

You try to pay for us. Choices always were a problem for you. Last name is fun. Shamster Butt? Shamster Butt was making a late night run to a fast food chain in Kings Lynn, UK earlier this month. However, when Butt

who had been driving drunk got to the drive-thru window, he tried to pay for his order by offering the McDonald's employee a potato chip package. When that backfired, Butt allegedly tried to pay with a sock. That's a good sock. What do you want from me?

What do you want from me? You guys remember. Just like, God. Like, he's so frustrated. It's going to cost me an arm and a sock. I don't understand. I just don't understand. Why won't you take these potato chips?

These are the jalapeno kind. It's ketchup. See how hard this is to get? You know how hard this was for our listener to send me ketchup chips? The defendant first asked if he could get a staff discount. He was slurring his words. I bet. He tried to pay for his food.

I bet she's the butter of the joke around the... Ew. He tried to pay for his food with a crisp packet and then found a 10-pound note. So that's cool. The employee asked Butt to wait for his food in the parking lot. Another McDonald's employee reportedly called the police while he waited. If you could pull up to spot number two, it's our fries just got in. They're really good. Yeah, I'll wait for the hot ones.

One police arrived around 4.40 a.m. Dude, that time stamp, you know Butt was fucked up. He's butt fucked. He's butt fucked at 4.40 a.m. They administered a breathalyzer test. but 29 was two times over the legal limit. Is that a special on the dollar menu? But allegedly told officers he had two vodka and cokes at a nightclub before he got behind the wheel. I mean, at least he's being somewhat honest.

Or honor. Honest. But was arrested for drinking and driving, to which he pleaded guilty. He got me. How'd you know? I don't know. Or honor. Honest. Butt was arrested for drinking and driving, to which he pleaded guilty. Got me! How'd you know? I don't know. He was trying to buy your Big Mac with some chips and a sock. Pretty good.

Pretty good indicator. Yeah, they're onto me. Butt was taken to jail, where he was held the following day. The day his wife was due to give birth to their son. What was he doing out that late drinking? I don't know. Maybe he was taking it all in. You know, maybe hit the panic button a little bit.

Butt was taking it all in? You get it. Butt was out. He's just looking for a night on the town. Gape. Just gaping on the town. You know what I mean? Butt was banned for driving for 18 months, costing him his job as a delivery driver.

This guy. I don't even know what to say. And that's why I opened with like, you just get lost sometimes. And Butt is lost. Mr. Butt is fucked. Like, he doesn't know right from wrong in from out gape from closed butt is just living life driving tractor living house is what butt's doing right now drink and drink drink and drink drunk sock and meals sock and big max you know what i mean

it could be reduced to 18 weeks. He was also fined $154. I love that. That's like 26 Big Macs. And at least the same amount of pairs of socks. Did he take the sock off of his shoe? I don't know. Do you just have a sock laying around? Is that a sock in the car?

That's a questionable sock That's a long day Did the sock smell like chlorine? Because Alright, nevermind Look at Brian's face Salty sock Salty sock That's a brian face no

no no the barter system installed into like modern day society is really funny i love that idea have you i know you take cash but i take cash but do you like fur what because i have a deer in my trunk and i'm so hungry if you can give me one hour it hasn't even been drained yet i will dress this deer and make you a i'll make you something i'll make you a wallet i'll make you a jacket it's not gonna be a couple weeks though it's not gonna be great but it's gonna be something it's like one of. It's like a mail-in rebate. Like, you give me this big map now. Big map right now.

And your address. In two weeks, I will mail you a deer wallet. Deer wallet. Half duct tape, half deer pelt. But the barter system and everything dude just heading into an IHOP you're like oh that was delicious tap on your belly

and she's like will it be anything else she brings the bill over be like can't help but notice it says you do Apple Pay Visa Mastercard you do Beaver pelt? Do you do any hide?

I don't see a hide. I see a bunch of emblems and none of them are anything. I see Apple Pay, Android Pay. I don't see pelt anywhere. Ride in tractor, trade and hide. Trade and eat. Eat in pancake, trade and hide. Miss in birth.

Miss in birth, trade and hide. I love the idea that any sort of thing from the past, modern now though, like you go to a market somehow and you bring things that you know that you're trading, like classic trading. I'll trade you food for something that's not food because you need food. Yeah, but you have food. Yeah, you're a food guy. You got food stuff. You're a great hunter. Yeah.

You're doing something else. That's so funny because there's so many different things people need now. It used to be just like, I need clothing. I need food and I need shelter. That's all I need. And now you're like, I need so many different things. Candy. Or you think you need. I'll trade you this deer carcass for three vapes.

Yeah. Just things that have nothing to do with each other. I'll take a cotton candy and a cheesecake vape. All right, that'll be 47. 40 pounds is a deer. They can say 47. That'll be 47. You're like, pouts!

Antlers? Antlers? You're fucking kidding me? I got a vape just down the road for 27 antlers, you fucking con. He's got like a giant bag. He's like lifting up antlers. Making antler clinking noises. Six points.

You're like breaking the points just like to, okay, I'll give you a four and a half. Four and a half point? What, you're going to fuck me over because now I'm going to try and get some popcorn for a six and a half point? I got a three point. I got a three and a half point. I got a three point. I got a three and a half point. Who the fuck's taking three and a half points? Try down the street.

We don't take three and a half points here, Mr. Buzzoff. It's four or get fucked. It's four porn or get fucked around here, bud. God damn it. This vape crotch is killing me. It's a good vape though.

Tastes like grape. Oh God. It's just like bringing this bag of things that you just have to trade. Yeah. So funny. Imagine the shit you'd bring to Goodwill. Yeah. Like an old kiddie, like a, what do they call it?

Jolly jumper. You remember those things? Yeah. You'd brace him in the doorway and you could jump off the door frame. Oh, yeah. A little jolly jumper. An ab flex. You'd roll up to get a fucking Dave single from Wendy's.

Do you remember ab flexes? You're in for a treat. Yeah, do I. Show up. Fucking Bowflex. Yeah. Oh, yeah, the garage sale Bowflex. Oh, yeah.

It's Tony Little or whatever his name was. Yeah, baby. Yeah, baby. Instead of a garage sale, it's a bar sale where, like, yeah, you show up to some house, there's a Bowflex. You're like, I really want that Bowflex. He's like, I wonder if I'll take a Jolly Jumper Bowflex. You're like, I really want that Bowflex. He's like, I wonder if I'll take a Jolly Jumper.

I'll take, I'll take an Affleck's and a Jolly Jumper. For this Bowflex? Yeah. Just so you can just keep having more yard sales. Cause fuck all that shit. I can see people. Do you take Afflecks?

Do we? Do we? Point to the sign. MasterCard, Visa, Bowflex. Afflecks. I can see people trading like 80s baseball cards or something as money

There's a Reggie Jackson Remember that Bowflex? Picture that Trading cards, but it's other stuff, like I'll give you this Bowflex if you give me the fucking Suzanne Somers Thighmaster

I'll give you an ab flex for that thigh master at least that makes sense i'm trying to change that like trying to exchange that for some cupcakes yeah there's this uh disconnect between the currency yeah something way different like i'll give you that george foreman grill for your all you can eat, China Buffet. Coupon. Okay. I'm starving. That's a very much now thing.

I'm so hungry right now that I'll give up future meals. Okay, let's move on for Dick. What do you have for us this week, Mr. Bwyan? Well, this actually has to do with restaurants also. Oh. So it's kind of a, well, sort of a restaurant.

A seam, I guess. I don't know. Hell yeah, dude. We can make it whatever you want. Thank you. Man arrested for, fucking ad. Oh my God. Man arrested for faking heart attack 20 times at restaurants to avoid paying bill.

Report to say. 20 times. That's so paying bill. Important to say. 20 times. That's so good. Good move, buddy. I mean, it was for 19 times. This was in Spain. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Yeah, right. They finally caught on to him. They're like, okay. Okay. Okay. Listen, we've run out of defibrillators. A 50-year-old man from Lithuania who was recently arrested in Spain after allegedly faking heart attacks at several

restaurants in order to avoid paying the bill. The man who was identified as Atis J, but has become known locally as Gastroheta. Gastroheta has tried to scam at least 20 times over the past year at different restaurants.

Most recently, the man ordered a seafood paella and two whiskeys at the El Buen Comer restaurant. God, I'm going to be so drunk to fake this heart attack. In late September, had a bill of 34.85 euros. It's about 36 US dollars. The man attempted to leave without paying, but the restaurant stopped him and noted how he still needed to pay the bill. Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't just leave yet.

You didn't pay the bill, messed up. The scammer became visibly upset and he said he was going to go get the money from his hotel room. When the staff refused to let him leave without paying, the man dramatically threw himself on the ground, pretending to have a heart attack. He's like, oh, you're not going to let me leave? Oh, shit!

Oh, my fuck! Ow! Just throws him like a kid throwing a toddler in a tantrum. My right arm is numb. My right arm is numb. Sir, it's your left arm that's... My left arm is numb. They're both numb.

They're both numb. I can't sign the check. I can try. I can try. I can try. Look. Is this... Can't do it. Is this legible? He's like, everyone's just holding their head, being like, fuck. He's on the ground. You're gonna have to

bring it closer. I can't. My arm doesn't work. Either one. I'll sign with my mouth. Oh, no. My mouth went numb. Oh, having a stroke. Having a stroke again. Stroke of bad luck with this. Getting caught. With this fucking bill.

Not fooled, the staff called the police instead of the ambulance. And the man was recognized by local authorities. Dude, that's bold. The restaurateur said the man doesn't speak Spanish well, although he did seem to understand it. Oh, he's reported. The man's image reportedly been shared among many restaurants. Try to stop him from striking again.

Stroking again. Get it? He was arrested multiple times in the city of Alicante. Modus operandi was the same. Anyway. So he's tried this multiple times and has been arrested and i i just think it's so funny that he's like this time it's gonna work i mean he had to have gotten away with it

sometimes yeah at some point for people to be like oh this motherfucker but like what that is a hard call and he knows that this guy's a he's a mastermind this is like part of his income he plans this like part of his income he plans this as part of his budget i gotta steal 14 meals this week right and then i will make it to next week where i will steal 14 more meals maybe he steals the meals saves his money and then goes to the store and then eats at home for like a week or two and then is like all right i need money for he's faking his heart attack and as he's falling down he grabs his leftovers he's like oh he's getting wheeled out he's getting wheeled out he goes

one box one box please one that was a really good steak that was the best seafood I've ever had could you would you mind boxing it up for me if it's not too much to ask he just beep beep like he's hooked up

to all the machines like just one box one box is all that shrimp's the best shrimp I've ever had one box I don't want to leave the one box

I mean the food's already made what a waste of food if I don't die that'll be the best trip i've ever had that'll be my last meal i want nothing else to be my last meal besides that shrimp please put it in a nice box for me i i'm just picturing like overly dramatic and then that like trying to trying to go oh and then like falling and grabbing it at the same time oh and like putting it in his pocket shoving it into his his shirt pocket it's not even

to go though it's like he's grabbing like a piece of meat and he's like oh god and mashed potatoes he's like there's a tomahawk steak bone sticking out of his fucking pocket pocket. Oh, ouch! I think I'm having a heart attack. As he falls, mashed potatoes are squirting out of his back pocket. Someone looks away. Oh, God! This is so terrible!

And he's sucking on a milkshake? Oh, no! Oh, God. The pain. You're going to eat that? I've never... Ask in the surrounding tables. Oh, no.

You're going to eat that? You're going to eat that? Oh, God. He gets to the hospital and he's like in the bed and they're going to cut his pants off. You know, like they do with the sisters. His pants are so heavy it's full of gravy no no

no leave the pants leave the pants leave the pants please Jesus mis pantalones por favor

ay Sarah you have to take your shoes off no no take your shoes off he's like take your shoes off. No. No, take your shoes off. He's like, take your shoes off. Just fucking stuff full of crab. God damn it.

Oh, my heart. My heart breaks with a crab that will not be eaten. What a waste. There's a couple of different ways you can look at this like that's the way he did it and then i picture like going to a buffet where he goes up there and he's actually just like stealing food from the buffet yeah and he's trying to leave and then the same thing happens wow so so it's like he didn't eat them he hasn't eaten yet and they catch him while he's doing it. He falls down at the door

and his fucking cowboy hat falls off full of orange chicken. Fucking chow mein. He's wearing a cowboy hat. Oh, my heart! It's like fucking cargo pants and a cowboy hat. Cargo pants and a cowboy hat.

And so much food. Who the fuck is this guy? He's holding his heart but it's squishing. There's this fucking chow mein in his shirt. Oh, my heart. And he's like, what the fuck's in your shirt they're trying to give him cbs

trying to squish on spaghetti and meatballs flying out of his collar oh oh the pain oh oh the pain oh fuck they're trying to give him cbr and he's just shitting his mouth too like food in his mouth pain. Oh, fuck. They're trying to give him CPR and he's just shitting his mouth too, like food in his mouth. He keeps bouncing out. Pushing on his chest and gravy's flying out of his cargo pants. Oh, my

heart. Seeing all this food go to waste. Just, ow. Ow. Ow. seeing all this food go to waste just ow ow good stuff all right we got we got we have to move on we have to um zach yes do you want to do you want to do the thing oh shit that's right yeah it's time all right hey little chitrons why don't you come take a seat on uncle zacky's lap Do you want to do the thing? Oh, shit. That's right. Yeah, it's time. All right. Zach! Hey, little chitrons.

Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. Oh, my heart. He's just dicking or dicking. He's sticking a piece of French bread in his pocket. Oh, my God.

That hurts. He's looking down and French bread in his pocket. Get some butter on it. Oh, man. Shouldn't have a heart attack with my mouth full. All right, Zach, what are we doing? Well, what the fuck are we doing? I don't know.

I never know. That's part of my lifetime, I guess. Nice. I thought we would talk about anxiety a little bit. Yeah, let's do some anxiety stuff. Yay. But I kind of wanted to switch the paradigm a little bit. Okay. Change perspectives. Okay. So let's look at it through kind of a different lens. And basically my premise here is that it's a miracle you aren't anxious all the time. And here's some examples okay this is kind of a blog so interrupt me whenever you feel like it no that's all right conventional wisdom is teaching us that we need to get our anxiety under control okay and we all want that because it sucks yeah and it's our default for obvious reasons and i'm gonna explain them okay okay so first it's okay to be uneasy about big things. Big things can kill us. So you can feel a little bit excited. Like a dinosaur? Well, let's start with we're spinning on a rock in space.

Heart attack? We're in space. There's planet-killing asteroids, meteors, space debris, solar rays, solar storms, cosmic radiation, black holes, white holes, rogue planets, supernovas, possible hostile species, the threat of alien bacteria, microbes infecting the planet. Plus, we're going super fast around other super fast things. Yes, we are. So basically, you live in an explosion. So it's okay to feel like, oh, fuck, I'm in an explosion. So that's the big things.

But that's just the universe. Your planet that you live on wants to kill us, too. Earth has things like polar shifts global floods massive fires tornadoes hurricanes tsunamis earthquakes ice ages volcanoes plagues famine drought crazy toxic chemicals and elements that you just walk around and they kill you yeah too much heat kills you too much cold kills you so basically simple exposure to our planet will kill you yeah those aren't even human things those are just things that naturally exist yeah just things You go out without a coat for too long and you die. Yeah. There's radiation, just natural. Just go hiking, radiation. There's poison rain, sinkholes, landslides. Plus,

most plants will fucking kill you. I mean, if you eat them, sure. If you touch them, some of them will kill you. A few of them will kill you if you breathe around them. So just walking out for a hike. Whoops. Don't drink most of the water, too, by the way. But the creatures of the earth aren't saints either. We need water, though, Zach. We do. But 95% of it, if you drink it, you'll shit yourself to death.

It's true. It's good stuff. But then, you know, animals aren't great. We've got predator-style animals. Humans die from apex predators all the time. Lions, wolves, tigers wolves tigers bears our ancestors had to deal with giant versions of sloth and shit that would kill them it's all fucked up but then there's the water that's just the land then the water there's killing things like a million kinds

of sharks killer whales things that sting and electrocute you and rip your arms off or just drown you a fucking cute dolphin will kill your ass a school of fish will try and drown you if they could. But back to the land. If you just stay underwater too long, you'll die. Yeah. If you drink too much water, you'll die. The planet loves you.

But back to land. Nature has mean-ass non-apex predators like moose and elk and deer and kangaroos and shit. Pack animals. Snakes. Man-eating snakes live on most continents. From pythons and super boas to king cobras, black mambas. There's rattlesnakes fucking everywhere. Plus, man-eating lizards exist, like

gators and crocs and shit that shoots venom out of their face holes. Then there's normal animals. Just normal shit. Rabid dogs. Poorly socialized dogs. Even domestic cats can give you cat scratch fever. You can get sick from cat poop. Rabies come from countless animals. Diseases from rodents.

There's things that will swim up your dick hole. Man-eating fish swarms. Venomous everything. Even little frogs can kill you. And then farm animals can kill you. Fucking you can get trampled, gored, impaled, kicked in the head, get farm animal diseases like salmonella and mad cow. Just being around the animal poop will hurt you. For the record, pigs, chickens, and barn cats

will eat you when you're dead. Farming hay, getting killed. Farming hay, getting killed. But we're just starting, really. The biggest little killers of all are bugs and little things. Fuck, venomous bug bites, diseases from infestation and filth,

copious amounts of mosquito deaths, that's number one. Various fucked up worms and parasites, ticks and fleas. Even the bugs that don't directly kill us, fucked up worms and parasites, ticks and fleas. Even the bugs that don't directly kill us, they'll eat our crops. They'll eat our food stores and our pantries. There's bugs that will eat you from the inside, from the outside.

There's venom, poison, laying eggs in your bodies, driving you insane. But then there's the true bastards, the bacteria and the viruses. Thousands of different diseases and viruses that can affect the human body from HIV and Ebola to the flu, smallpox, etc. There's flesh-eating bacteria you can just stumble across. We get some of these awful things from one of our only reliefs from anxiety, which is amazing and ironic. Sex. You get a lot of these from sex. And fucking pregnancy.

Just trying to bring life into the world will fucking kill you potentially. Even our bodies aren't safe. Infested with life, we're a mess. Back to the bacteria. But even our genes can create thousands of problems from immune disorders, blood diseases, cancers, heart disease, and above all, our bodies make us sad. They just make us sad. People in my family are allergic to the sun and dirt. My family is allergic to the planet I live on.

I just go outside and I'm like, that's itchy. That's great. On top of everything else that can get us, we as humans are out to get each other in 10,000 different ways. Car accidents, murder, negligence, malpractice, stupid beliefs about shit we don't understand. Religious war, conventional war, chemical war, biological warfare, nuclear war. Political bullfuckery, gulags, vengeance, greed, emotional immaturity, accidental deaths, reality TV, even bullying each other can cause our demise. Now, all that's to say you shouldn't feel bad that you're anxious.

It is a miracle that you find peace from time to time. You're doing great in a place that can kill you a billion different ways. And you might even be getting better at feeling okay about it. As Neil deGrasse Tyson says, you should be screaming at all times. And it's a miracle that you're not. The fact that you find little stretches of calm in the chaos is a testament to you. And also, despite groups of folks telling you that this planet is pristine and a habitat that we're fucking up, realize that we live in a constant war zone that a handful of smart people have figured out ways to help us survive in.

Without artificial heat or cooling, we die. Without medications and weapons to ward off the beasts big and small, we die. Without microscopes to know about the things that can crawl up our dick holes, we die. Without machines and the food that feeds them and grocery stores and supply chains, we die. Earth is a pretty inhospitable place that through cooperation and nature to do science, that's our nature, to fuck with nature, we make this place hospitable despite

all that. So above all, when you look at an older person, a little bit more respect because you know that they survived a whole bunch of these things. So have respect for the journey because this whole planet wants you to die. And if you're anxious, of course you are. Of course you are.

This planet doesn't give you any peace. And when you do get peace, good for you. That's fucking, when you find that moment where you're like, yeah, everything's okay. That's a miracle. So instead of trying to, you know, fight anxiety, realize it's like, that's our default. That's everyone's default. And if you really think about it, there's no reason that you should ever not be anxious. So it's okay.

We're all on this flying rock in space and we'll all be okay. And that's my bullshit. Dude, I got it. Yeah. Yay, Uncle Zach! Anxious anxiety is part of like what's kept us alive too right like fight or flight that kind of stuff like the idea that you are scared of something has made it so you survive if you're not scared of something you go out and it kills you you're not going to move on your your line

isn't going to move on because you're with a bunch of people that don't have precautions or whatever yeah um evolution is just adaptation so we just adapted we just have more things to worry about which sucks and we know that our previous generations yeah we have names for the things that swim up your dick hole now yeah less things to worry about but or less like life-threatening things to worry about is what we have now if you but think about it like like you have to worry about doing this like paying this or doing this or yeah making it to this or if you have a flat tire like just more things that aren't going to kill you to worry about yeah uh but the basis is still the same and it always will be you know You need food, shelter, love, all that kind of stuff.

Those are still essential to your primal instincts. You don't need love. But, well, I don't. Love is the wrong word. Water. Sure. Have some water, damn it. You still need those things.

Tomato, potato. But going about getting them is so. No, completely different. Differently. It's complicated, different than it used to be. We have access to all that stuff. You don't, you don't have to go kill your, for your meal, but you still have to be able to, to buy that food.

Yeah. Can you imagine like you turn your, like in a world, cause your feeling is you turn the sink on, it's broken. You're like, fuck, I don't have any goddamn water. It's like, you think you're going to walk over to a neighbor's house and they'd be like, no, no water for you, you little bitch. Everyone for themselves. But what you do though, is you go, ah, shit, I got to call a plumber. And you're like, I can't afford a plumber right now.

I'll fix it myself. Yeah. So like the the problem is like i need water you can get water it's inconvenience there's water fucking everywhere right but yeah but yeah it's the inconvenience of like i gotta fix this so i can not have to go ask somebody for it so i have to pay for it i don't want to bother jim i don't want to bother jim right now he's probably home with his family had a hard day at work i don't want to bother Jim. I don't want to bother Jim right now. He's probably home with his family. He had a hard day at work. I don't want to go over there and be like, can I have some water? But going through, so doing all that, though, and bettering medicine, all that stuff, we've now overpopulated the earth, right?

Like, when, the way it used to be is, like, you had enough kids to tend the fields or whatever, you know? Or just play the odds, is what you did. Yeah. And, like, you had enough kids to just roll the dice. and hope that a couple of seven of them and two of them made it through yeah exactly continue that line yeah now you have seven they all live and they all have to figure out how to get a job absolutely a make-believe job too just to keep you busy yeah one yeah one to make sure that we make a currency that we made up.

What's funny is our society is kind of underpopulated in the sense of population growth to sustain some of the programs that we've created. Like in China and here. And so there is an issue of underpopulation too. And they do say that we can probably sustain life on this planet with 10 to 12 billion pretty easy. Some people say that. Are you saying stop using condoms yeah more people we need more people on the freeways i just want to make sure i heard you clear let's fill up the streets we need more people on the freeways i don't want to get anywhere

that's what we need good times so as going through all of those things that can kill us when i got to humans it's like why are we doing that we're all in this together we all have to deal with earthquakes and volcanoes and lice and fucking all these terrible snakes and all the shit why do we add on top of it like i don't believe what you believe so i'm gonna fucking kick your ass blow you up when you think about so like primal instincts let's look at other animals like we're an animal let's look at other animals i don't i don't have tons of knowledge in this or any knowledge but it seems to me like like you have alphas and you have things like we want to this is our area don't come into our area but the idea of like just going out and randomly

killing something just to kill it it's just it seems rare in uh the animal world the king you know like it happens but the smart yeah the smartest ones do it and that's the scary part yeah but you don't mass kill though like you don't like the the dude that just went and shot a bunch of people in maine like animals aren't doing that yeah so for funsies yeah for fun animals don't have ideology too right i don't have those kind of weird things and we didn't originally have that told about a sky daddy that they have to please yeah then we invented stuff to be afraid of and oh boy oh goody yeah well anxiety's fun zach i'm on medication listen but there's no reason for you to feel like, you know, oh, I got to stop this anxiety.

Like you're wrong for it. You're right for it. Like it's a fucking mess. It's the fault setting of human beings. Yeah, it's fucking nuts. So when Joe and I started talking about doing this podcast and actually started getting it rolling, that's when I got medicated. Dude, that was one of the craziest, dude. Bri guy.

I was going through some shit, man. I didn't even know what it was. I didn't know what was going on. It was the, I think it was the stress of like starting this whole thing. Getting into something new, yeah. You sure it's not that you live in an explosion? No. You could have been part of it.

Okay. Because, well, no, it was, I mean, you could visit, my wife could tell. She's like, something's up with you. Yeah. And then when I went out to lunch with Joe, I was like, my mouth was going numb. You couldn't eat? Yeah. I couldn't swallow.

I was afraid to try to swallow food. I'm sorry. I was like, I mean, it was, but it was also kind of funny because I've swallowed food with you before. Yeah. Like we've gone out to lunch together. I know you know how to do it. Yeah.

So it's just like, what the fuck is happening? But God damn, we handled that shit yeah moved on it's wild it's i didn't even know i was like dude i just felt bad yeah i just felt bad anxiety about something new it's a real it's a real thing like i always heard like anxiety depression i just assumed it's like oh that's just some weird kid that's got depression like you don't really like you're not we i can't work today our generation wasn't educated in anxiety and depression yeah and so we grew up thinking it was bullshit yeah and then it wasn't until i was an adult and like started talking to other

people and realized oh that's those are just that's worry because of blah blah blah whatever because all the things that are being forced up on you. Do you find most of the time that you suffer about things that haven't come yet, that you've made in your mind worse than they are? Totally. Okay. That's what it seems like. A lot of our anxiety is created in our heads and about things that may or may not happen.

And that may or may not be in our control too. Mainly out of our control. Yeah. Getting older, family, you know, like older family you know like my you know my dad and that that call always was on my mind like i'm gonna get a call at some point about a parent or whatever or kid like and then you get our worst fear yeah it's like you so i go to sleep thinking about that kind of stuff like just all the time so that was always yeah it's always like what's going to happen um and then like getting into this is a whole new venture it was like holy shit we're getting

into like this whole big thing i'm finally just getting to the point where i'm comfortable with my own shit now i'm getting this whole nother thing and so like i think it was just like i didn't even i didn't even feel worried about it though It was like a subconscious Worry because I was excited about it. Mm-hmm And my body was for whatever reason on its own thinking like what are you doing new change? Why are you doing this? Yeah, isn't it crazy? How all the cool shit is behind the scary things? Like a lot of the things that we're afraid of if we face them and we work through them the good shit happens on the other end like this i was all i grew up very much like a play it safe type of mentality and as soon as i

started not as soon as i started like taking little little um risks it was like because i played it safe for so long i didn't burn bridges i was actually like good to people so when i took a risk it like worked out or whatever because so i've always had this weird thought like playing it safe and being nice and being like good to people um not to not taking risks is good but like thinking about like putting other people first that it like worked out in a weird way so then i could take a risk and i didn't fall flat or whatever yeah it's better to take risks if you're not a cunt for sure yeah absolutely yeah and life is a risk so really if you look at what we just talked about walking out your door is a risk so you might as well take the

risks that seem like they might be the most fun but in my head I would hear that but it's always like well yes it's a risk but it's like you're it's more of a risk if you... It's like, well, sure, you could die in a car accident. Yeah, but if I didn't drive, my chances go way down. So I could just not do that. So you can avoid that. You can jump in the fetal position and just kind of get some feeding tubes. That's one way to make it to 90. Sounds miserable, though.

But we live in an area where like you could get shot at a bowling alley so it's like yeah do i go have fun at the bowling alley or do i go to the bowling alley and fear now treat the world like a sandbox and take those risks and have fun and if you fuck up you know you live in a big society hopefully somebody will be there to kind of help you and catch you maybe not it's a weird-ass life you're responsible for yourself well that's the thing it's not about me anymore. It's about kids. Fuck them kids. I think about it.

Fuck them kids. It's like if I die, there's nothing I can do about it. But it's like now I have to worry about my kids going out into the world and just trying to live their life. It's a scary time. Yeah. It's always been scary because we're going really fast in space. Really fast. With other things that are really fast.

Stop it, Zach! We're on a collision course with Andromeda. Okay, well, we're gonna, let's skip a couple segments just cause Oh, you fucker. What? You fucker. Which ones? And I'm talking about it open. Let's jump down to Hey Guys. Let's hear it from our kids this week.

And you can play it whenever you have it queued up, Zach. Yeah, whatever you wanna do it and you can play it whenever you have it queued up whatever you want to whatever you want to do you just fucking do it go for it all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool all right you ready to hear from some of the kids uh-huh my children? First email coming in from our son, Steve, who writes, I was listening to episode 69. Ooh, yeah. And the would you rather question took me back.

In high school, when my friends and I would underage drink, my one friend Jack would always ask us these really fucked up would you rather questions. One time he asked me, would you rather fuck the ugliest girl in the world or the hottest girl in the world but she's dead we're not we're not gonna answer it no but i i know dude either way i'm gonna come and that's what i'm excited about can never run

for congress if you answer that question dude i'm so fucked for congress well that's a funny like a little lawn sign yeah i'm so fucked for congress yeah jo's a funny lot like a little lawn sign yeah i'm so fucked for congress yeah joe paisley vote joe paisley well no just here's the thing come out and say your platform be like i fucked up i'm you go look at my past i don't give a shit but i do have some good ideas i'm moving on i'm fucking doing all i'm just gonna i'll continue to fuck up but i'm gonna be honest with you but you're like but i'm gonna be honest with you that's what you want right i want a guy that's fucking honest with you i'm gonna paint the white house white with coke and semen yes yes damn yeah there goes my

congress chances about five other people in the room all made sounds of disgust and i was like whoa whoa wait how long has she been dead for which brian yeah yeah jack was one of my best friends we grew up in the same neighborhood and did everything together or did everything together a few months ago he was tragically killed in a car accident oh man i'm sorry to hear that however we were able to deal with it by remembering how much fun we had with jack for so many. He was one thing. This was one thing I did not remember at the time, but is one of the greatest stories with him. Thank you guys so much for the podcast. And you can please give a shout out to the friends and family of Jack Mecham. Yeah, Mecham, right?

Mecham, probably. Mecham. Or his rap name, EMF. He was an extraordinary motherfucker. I looked that dude up. You actually found him. It's really sad. Yeah.

So, uh, sorry. Yeah. Sorry for your loss, but I think, I mean, sharing stories like that when you write in,

that's, that's great. So many people that Jack probably never knew Steve now knows about him. So thank you so much for sending that in. Yeah. Hopefully he didn't do something really bad that we just endorsed him and endorse him. He was just like, just, I don't

even know. Just picture the worst thing. Let's not spoil. Yeah, just like, how can we fuck this up even further? Alright, you ready to read the second one? Yeah! Hey, this is from Greg. Hey, Greg! You don't hear Greg very often anymore. No.

Imagine a baby named Greg. Yeah. You're like, just grow up. What did you decide to name your kid? We're going to go with Greg. Oh, cool. What does he work at in the oil fields? Like, immediately, he better have a fucking job.

Yeah. If your name's Greg as a baby. There's a name tag made for him already. Put that on the patch. Exactly. It's like, hello, my name is Greg. Immediately employed. You don't have time for me to be a baby greg get going jesus i know you wanted to do kindergarten and like

but no dude let's get nice that sucks here's a calculator go fucking go greg go other kids play with trucks you're driving trucks yeah You're driving trucks. Yeah, you're driving trucks, Greg. Fucking get real. Name me Greg to be a fucking baby. Grow up. Okay, go ahead. Anyway, back to you. Okay. Hey, Daddy Joe, Uncle Zach, and Father Brian.

First off, loving the content. Initially, I thought of Can You Don't as just a diet version of another show that shall not be named. But the show has come together so well that I think of it as that other show, Spiked With Vodka. Nice. He must love vodka. Spiked With Vodka. And cocaine. Nice!

So keep on sitting it off. Woo! Great! I knew you liked to party. Fucking name like that, you did cocaine out the womb. Let's go! Well, he's been working his whole life. So he likes to let loose.

He has a bunch of money for cocaine. Second, when the question about the movie you'd want to watch again for the first time came up, without hesitation, I thought of the Twilight Saga, Breaking Dawn Part 1. That way I could have walked out of it prior to wasting two hours of my life watching it. Anyways, thought that was funny. What a funny little twist on that. I was wondering where it was going. Twilight Saga, dude, you'll have no... You don't even know how bad it was.

Would have loved to walk out of fucking Titanic. You don't know what a load of shit! There was so much time to fucking squeeze boobs in those teenage years for Titanic. That's the only reason I went. Anyway, keep going. So much boob squeezing, but too scared to do anything more?

Just squishing padded bras. Okay, back to you. I have a weird... I have a weird story. So when Titanic came out, I was in Kansas City. My sister did pump, pass, and kick, and she went to Nationals. Fuck yeah, she did. And I was at the

Denver Broncos Kansas City Chiefs playoff game. The one that fucking the Broncos won the Super Bowl when John Elway was there.

We were watching the game from the field behind the bench of the Denver Broncos. Okay. And they had heated seats and

shit like that and like the things. So during halftime they went in there and we all went over and sat on the bench with the heaters and all that kind of stuff and there was a there was a gal that was there that was a sister of another gal she was really cute and she asked me to go watch the titanic with a couple of groups of other kids that were going to go watch yeah and i refused because i was a pussy you i probably could have been squeezing her boob

that is the worst end of that story that could possibly i know i think about it all the time like and then i didn't go because i'm a pussy yeah and then i because i was terrified this one time all my friends were doing the best blow they've ever had and everyone was naked and they're having an orgy like you want to go and I was like no you're like that's a cool story like that's you would have had hours you would have had two VHS tapes worth of

boob squeezing believe me the idea of thinking about squeezing a boob I could have ejaculated but when it came down to like wait you could actually do it yeah yeah check it out. God, Brian. Brian's a gentleman. Calm down, Joe. You weren't wearing fingerless leather gloves, were you?

A gentleman? No, he described himself perfectly in his pussy. That's exactly what Brian is. Well, and I think what I thought about even in high school was like, oh, if I ask this girl out, she's going to think I'm a creep. Little did I know, like, friends were just fucking plowing all the time.

Like, that's what they were doing. That's how I was, too. I could have been doing it the whole time, but I was like, no, they're going to think I'm a creep. Same with me. I was like, my grandpa would be disappointed with me if I, you know, acted a fool. I should have been acting a fool like the rest of my friends. If you squeeze the boob while looking at an iceberg? Yeah. Like, that's theob while looking at an iceberg? Yeah.

Like, that's the one rule your grandpa left you? Like, don't ever squeeze a boob in a movie theater while watching icebergs. That's how you get blue balls. You want blue balls? That's how you get them. You want to fucking have a dick that's drunk forever? Then you squeeze a boob while watching a movie about cold water. Okay, grandpa.

Every time you're going to think of boobs, you're going to think of cold water. Your dick's going to shrivel up. And then you're going to think of booze You're gonna think of cold water Your dick's gonna shrivel up And then you're gonna think of Leonardo DiCaprio Is that what you fucking want, Zach? No You think about doors and dying I'm sorry Doors and dying

And tough guys playing their music When the ship, the boat's sinking And tough guys and women and children Getting on the boats When you're not allowed to Is that what you want? Okay, no Alright, continue on Thanks again for the show Your kid that what you want? Okay, no. All right, continue on.

Thanks again for the show, your kid that is somehow older than you, Greg. Nice. P.S. If you decide to share this, please don't make Brian read it. I'd rather listen to my nine-year-old explain in detail every level of the back rooms, which he's tried to do from time to time,

than listen to Brian struggle through another email. P.S. You're doing good. I will soon be a silly goose. I know everyone has an excuse of why they think they don't have five bones a month to exchange for five plus hours of content, but my excuse is legit. But it's also temporary, so it won't be long until

I'm soaking in that sweet, sweet post-show banter. Nice. PSSS. That first PSS was a mean joke. Keep on trying, Brian. I'm sure you'll be reading it at ninth grade level in no time. He killed it with the Spanish. Yeah, if I could read in Spanish, I'd be great. P-C-C-C.

How do you say P in Spanish? That's our show. Like P for your penis or the letter P? The letter P. It's silent or whatever. It's not a dad joke. It's not silent? not silent I don't know Peso

Isn't it a P? Sounds like P Bezo Jeff Peso Bezos Jeff Peso How many pesos would Jeff Bezos have? If Bezos had

How many pesos would Jeff Bezos have If Jeff Bezos could pay in pesos? That's a new tongue twister for the modern times. Alright, that's episode 72. Thank you everybody. And just like, not Greg. Yeah, Greg. Just like Greg's doing. Sign up. Become a part of the gaggle.

Head over to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. You'll find a link in the episode description. Of course, we're everywhere on the socials. Got YouTube. Make sure you check out what Uncle Zach episode description. Of course, we were everywhere on the socials, got YouTube. Make sure you check out what uncle Zach is doing. I goddamn dude. So busy. How late were you up last night?

About six 30. My boy, my man. It's a Halloween special. Real quick. Nice, nice, nice,

nice. Go to school. Let me finish. Scatcast.com. That's scat with a K S K A T C A S T.com. So many shows nonstop works his ass off. Go check out the scatcast universe K, S-K-A-T-C-A-S-T.com. So many shows, nonstop, works his ass off. Go check out the Scatcast universe. Thank you.

Yeah. Real quick, I think this is a quadrillion. So he's basically worth $150 billion. That's what Google says. Whatever he's worth. Fucking idiot. So in pesos, that would actually be $2 quadrillion, $721 trillion, $8 849 million hopefully i did that number right it's four it's a quadrillion when there's four sets of zeros right i think that's i still think that's

trillion trillion trillion is three what the billion is three yeah million is oh right no million million is three billion Billion is four. Here's the number on the screen. Oh, okay. Yeah, so... So, 849 would be million, 271. Billion, 2.7, 2 quadrillion, 721 million. Quadrillion? Shit.

Just 2 trillion. Fuck. Okay. Well, reading and math. 2,721,849,000,000. Oh, man. You can buy so many vapes with that. Imagine putting that in a sack.

It's a sack of pesos? 2.7 trillion pesos. Do you take pennies? Okay, let's wrap up the show. I'm going to get after the bonus stuff. Do you think they'll ever be a trillionaire? Yeah. I mean, Apple did it as a company.

Someone can do it. Someone will do it. I mean, especially when things are just worth nothing anymore and no one cares because that's where we're heading. It'll cost a billion dollars for an Apple. Oh, I can't wait. Yay. For a laptop or an Apple?

Like an actual Apple? A crunchy Apple. Oh, okay. Okay. I was going to say a billion's about right for a laptop. Quadrillion, I think, will be in for the laptop. Okay. Let's wrap things up.

Zach! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Someone's going to buy Mars, and then when real estate is available, that's how they're going to be a trillionaire. I think a company's already selling parts of Mars and the moon, and it's a whole fucking shit show. How much cheese is on the moon? That's what I was thinking. Just like buying a star.

Like, this is your star. Just get fucking bent. The world's largest. CP 9 million. That's your star. Yeah. Here's a map to show you where it's at. The world's largest snowflake on record.

And the reason I'm thinking about this was because it just snowed here in the great Pacific Northwest. It did. The world's largest snowflake on record was 15 inches wide and 8 inches thick. Knocking kids out. Imagine sticking your tongue out.

Just fucking getting riddled. An anvil falling on you. And I had to look it up because I was like, no fucking way. So I looked it up and the reason why it's still considered a snowflake is because it's falling from the sky. So what happened? Because it doesn't think that we should be at work.

Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Because I think everyone deserves everything. Snowflake. No, so it falls from the sky, and they hit each other, and they pile up and build under the perfect conditions. So all these snowflakes run into each other and stick to each other. And then eventually just collect more and more speed and run into more and more other snowflakes. And then make one that's 15 inches wide and 8 inches thick.

Falling from the sky. That seems like it'd have to be a cone. Massive. Coming down like that. Just fucking smashing and collecting and then just plummeting into the earth and then showing no evidence well there is i mean well no i mean like let's say that happened and killed a guy yeah and then it melts because his forehead's too hot yeah no it's there must have been a heart attack yeah i mean this guy's obviously been eating it fucking

gajinos or wherever the hell he was at he Gugino's? He had a heart attack. He's faked his... Fucking Gugino's? Trying to get out of his bill. Fucking Gugino's? We should probably add giant snowflakes to Ways to Die. Yeah. Gugino's is an Italian restaurant in Philadelphia.

Is it? Never been. According to... It's always been in Philly. No? Okay, I think we should hit up Gugino's. Yeah, add that to the anxiety list, hit by a 15 inch wide eight inch yeah fucking snowflake yeah just shoveling already hating it after a hard day at work and blasted

by this a literal tiny snowman fuck that okay let's move on to the bonus shit if uh you subscribe to us on patreon that's how you get to hear the bonus stuff if not we'll see you guys next week. Bye!