Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Hermaphrodite. Sheetmetal. Sally. Wait.

Episode Date: August 19, 2026

Welp... looks like the yearly "Joe almost died" trend continues! He learned why it's never a good idea to wear sandals while doing roof work. Idiot. Let's talk about that, having a drunk old man as a neighbor, a goose actually helping instead of just causing pure chaos in this world, having a sex-doll replace teachers in the classroom, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch this episode YouTube: https://youtu.be/0i5EDLStCo4Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hermaphrodite. Sheet metal. Sally, wait. 18. Clearing your throat like you had something in your throat. Almost like I have already talked for four hours today. Anything fun happening today in the news, Joe? Happening today in the news. News radio. Joe. Radio Joe.

Radio Joe. Uh, localized story. There was a... This one... The guy in Cootney County I remember his name right now but he's going to prison for 30 years he's eligible for parole after 15 years

because he just picked up his 10th DUI and he blew like a like a point to something wonder what the record is oh man I'm what to blow I didn't realize you could go away for that long he just kept just loved it well after 10 He either loved jail or just loved drinking.

But either way, it did not work out for him. But I was curious, I did look up, what's the record for the highest blood alcohol content that was blown for a DUI? And it was some guy in Poland. It was like a one point something. It was 17 times the legal limit. That's a lot. How are you alive? What?

It wasn't his intent. How long it it takes for him to get pulled over? He was at the bar. He was like, he backs up and starts going to cops like, he's like, you're flying, sir, you were inside the bar.

He's holding a steering wheel at the bar. He's like, move. Another one. He got a rob officer. Get the bombad officer. Yeah, so there's that guy. He's going away forever. What else happened?

Another guy got caught transporting meth. That's normal. Yeah, that's an everyday thing here. Yeah, lots of meth from Washington into Cortal Lane. What about those goats that got on the bus? Yeah, over in Portland, goats got on a bus. Nice. I was so jealous, I wasn't a part of that investigation.

A whole Portland. Just so funny. They're like, yeah, we just like watch the traffic cams and security footage, and there's some goats, and they got on a bus, and they got off it and walked into a shopping center. And that was like the end of the story, and I'm like, have you fucking found them? Yeah. Follow up, please. Just freedom goats?

They're just hanging out at the, the food court. It's just gone. We have just goating around. Somebody, somebody commented, Dave is in the Patreon because we asked for new questions. Oh. And I,

it had popped in my brain as you were talking about the news. And he asked, why doesn't Daddy Boyin listen to the Paisley News report in the morning? Too early. Yeah. There is a commercial to safely sell your timeshare. I live in Nebraska and I listen every morning. There is.

He does listen. Mm-hmm. Oh, my God. That's, how do you find me? Up to date on the Northwest. So apparently that's, I could put some, I can get my time share out there. I laugh to myself every time that commercial comes on.

He just goes, listen, you made a bad choice. It's so funny. You're stuck with, and there's one line in there. It's like, if you use your time share, that's great. But if you don't, it's just like, join the hundreds of millions of people who wish they never did it. I'm pretty happy with my decision. 1-800-time share. All right, send in your content suggestions to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com.

Of course, we do have the stroaming video. It is out. It is in Patreon at the time this episode comes out. We're in the process of reworking some of the honk-a-thon goals. We can keep the progression going. But thank you to everyone. It's been a steady climb over the last couple months. Head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast.

It is a huge way to make sure that this show keeps on fucking going. Then also a shout out. Go check out what Zach's doing. Huh? Yeah. Zachcast. Ugh. A lot.

Gatcast.com. With a K. With a K. Don't go to the other one. You'll be covered in poo. We'll take you. Oh, whoa. From either one.

We'll clean you up and get you right in the community. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So there's all that stuff. Thanks. Get the show rolling? Okay. Hell yeah, dude.

Zah! Fuck! Shut up. Start the show already. This must be just like living. in paradise. David Lee Ross. All right.

Well, should I even tell you who this is from or can you think you can guess if I read it? I can see the script. So there's that. You don't need to open up the curtain, Joe. You could have just cut that to yourself. And people will still ask, because you say script and people automatically, we could say like rundown. No, everything we say is not written out.

I write everything I said. I'm writing. I just wrote that. This entire show is just 100%. No, just what are we talking about, a progression of the show? You guys wrote this for me. Yeah. Every time.

Inter-goat sound that Zach had to wake up for. Right, and come on over and push it. Okay. So it's not from Seth. It's not. Okay. Yeah, right. Would you rather be in a hardcore nipple-twister competition?

Oof. Okay. Or have a long career being the guy that says walk at stoplights for blind people. So, um, walk. The, wait. Yeah, so I was, I wanted to slightly, not tweak it, but add this little part to it. Okay. In downtown's beautiful downtown Spokane, uh, out down by the mall, there is one of those

buttons that you push. Wait. Wait. Mm-hmm. Wait. Wait. My kids, every time we go down there to cross the street, they go over there and they press the button and just goes, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Like that?

Yeah, there's a train crossing. This is a ma'am. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, baby, ab, ha. Haunt. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Walkside is on to cross

What walk sign is on to cross What position did you play? What position did you play? What position did you play? So that specifically is what I was thinking about when I read this. Yeah. And so I'm just picturing not a robotic button, but like you having to be that guy that stands there all day

when someone walks up and you go, wait. And then like every time they move towards a robot. off. Wait, wait, wait, stop. Wait, wait, wait. Walk. Every kid that's trying to, leave, leave, go, go, run, no, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, wait, wait, wait, five,

four, wait, three, wait, three, wait, two, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, run! Sprint! Oh boy! Like, how stressful does that sound? Wait. How much is it pay? Foof, not much. It's a little, little, bit over minimum wage. Minimum wage

in Washington's pretty high. You know? And it's got to be your pay has to be below at least someone who's like doing cool you know the outside the business sign twirling. Oh, the twirls. Because you're not doing that. You're just going wait, wait, don't, stop.

That's a lot more high. Get it. Yeah, wait. But that's your contribution. No, well, the other guys are trying to sell you a mattress. This guy's actually stopping you from getting hit by a car. Wait.

But sometimes they're not. That's the goal, though. Yeah. So you think hazard, it should be a little bit higher in the pay, you'd think. But it's more responsibility. Waiting? Waiting is more. Telling people to wait.

Teaching people how to cross a street. But it says what, to say blind people? Okay. So you have to only do it for blind people? You have to do it for everyone. How many blind people do you see in a day? they don't know yeah but you do you can't see me i can't see you so that's how that's not put your head in the sand joe uh i think it's i want to tweak it zero it's just uh yeah i or it's just

everybody everybody like you just work at a crosswalk and you're that guy the weight guy oh man we could cross here honey or we could go down and see brian at the weight cross wait wait and you can't if you just always have a good day like i'm having a pretty good day wait wait yeah yeah things are going pretty well you know that wait wait wait wait no it's great yeah we went uh we had wait wait wait wait wait we wait yeah no we went for sushi last night and did wait wait wait wait wait wait wait a little dessert um shop by wait cold stone how the kids you wouldn't believe it so my weight is weight weight is my 12 world is six what wait wait weight wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait and where's the size 13 and a wait wait wait wait wait wait wait

Stop moving! Five, four, wait. Three weight. Pre-weight. Fuck. That sucks. Kay, hardcore nipple twister competition.

One time. You're going to lose your nipples. We only have one set, don't you? We don't need them, though. You don't need them. My baby nipples didn't grow back. Do you like your... That'd be weird if they did.

The thing is, though, are you, like, in a sexual way? like a nipple guy, you like your nipples? Fine. But I do not like over excessive force. Like, you can lick

you can lick fucking yeah. You know what I mean? No to the clamps. You fucking coming on it. I mean, I could yes to clamps, I guess. But I mean, I've never done it. I've never had my nips clamped.

But I can understand the pleasure of it. Like it's a, it's an increased sensation at a perfect time in an arousal state. It comes to car. You get a fucking cum. It is weird how pain goes along with pleasure.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Like, but not, so if you just, if I had to do it now. You ever fucked your own ass? We just do it now. It's like, ah, it sucks. But if you were right in the middle of an orgasm, it's like, oh, woo.

Just. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But that's fun, fun come time. But when you're not in fun come time, but I would hate it.

I used to, when five finger back slaps were big. Death punch? No. Nope. I would rather be in a hardcore nipple twister competition

than listen to sit for 24 hours with five finger death punch. Their music, they're good people. Just their music's not. Motogrator. Who did

That's Ivan Moody. Yeah. What? Can you look into that camera and do it? No. One time? Nope. Okay.

So, hardcore nipple twister competition. That's a one-off and it's going to suck and it hurts. You wake up the next day and you're not, wait, wait. And you're going to lose your nipple. Do we need to up it to where you have to do more? This has Seth found himself. Once a year. I guess someone's typed in Seth found himself.

Once a month. No, hold on. That's not what he wrote. Hardcore nipple twisting comps. Oh boy. This is going to go great. See, I feel like you're getting off too easy. Just getting to do it once.

No, no, no. I don't think so because you're going to lose your nipples. Oh, first link goes to X and XXXX. Nice. a lot of X's. Nipple twisting competition. Fuck, it's all porn. Don't show.

Stay there. Stay on that camera, okay? Staying. Wait. Wait. Wait. Oh, sorry, this video is not available. I know it is.

I guess no, they can't link to it directly. Let me search inside of X videos. X videos, all right. I know. I mean, we're in Idaho. You only get so, oh, my God. Why am I so hard? Zach, don't look

Tits and ass Nipple I know but look at this down there These chicks have wieners Nipple twisting competition Here comes Brian What am I watching? Oh, she's got a fork

No Oh, that's pierced Huge pierced Oh, nice piss Oh, she's piercing her neck Oh, the fucking pliers Plires We're kind of gross

Yeah And I'm going to go ahead and close that tab And I think As men Our nipples are a little more sensitive As men Women, in my experience

Their nipples can take a lot more A lot more beating Probably because they like it Kids munch on them Yeah, and they're further away from their body And they're bigger And their nerves They're like what?

Women's nipples are bigger I feel like they can handle more Men's nipples are small and, yeah, fragile. Fragile nips. Yeah. I'm gonna do it. I'm going into the contest.

It's gonna be one terrible day. That terrible five minutes of getting your nipples absolutely twerked. Would you rather do that or do the slap competition? Like the five finger, like slap. Oh, when you're standing over the, yeah. The actual slap competition. That's a good question. I'd rather get my.

my nipples, just for brain damage. Like, just getting rocked. I'm gonna, I'll take the emotional fear of just having my nipples really yanked. Yeah, you could draw your nipples back on. You mentioned every morning, you're, you're shaving, doing all that stuff, and then you're like, you're drawing on your, a little aerola. It's like, deodorant, deodorant, one nipple. All those stickers, little nipple stickers.

Yeah, the pasties. A little pasty. But it's got a little image of a nipple on it. I can't imagine a bigger turnoff. If you were a girl. Then you're just like, you want to come back to my place and fucking, yeah. She lifts your shirt off and you have star nipple pasties on. Surprise.

Surprise. I'm normal. Let's take those off. It's a long story. It's a long story. I'll tell you right after we, one's higher than the other. Yeah, just lopsided star pasty nipples. Hello.

Why is there one on your belly button? I had an extra. I did. There's a nipple on your belly button. You'd have to carry extras, right? In case your nipple falls off? Like a backup? Because your nipple gets stuck to your sweatshirt?

Yeah. I guess you just always wear band-aids and say that you had a bad piercing forever. They're always getting infected. Yeah, no one's going to miss your nipples. I can't just stand out there and wait. Wait. You are getting paid, though. Wait.

Yeah. Again, one, just $20 an hour. $20 an hour to wait. No, it's a waste of your fucking life. Well, I mean, not if it's your full-time job. No, it's a waste of your life. That's awful. I mean, come on.

Okay. Even the best jobs in the world. Like, you're getting $200 to $300 an hour. Doing something you love. Like, you love doing it. You're good at it. You're doing video editing and making funny shit. Okay.

Even years of that, you eventually were like, no, no. Yeah, I don't know anymore. You would be one hour in to wait and be like, oh no. This is forever. This is forever. Like, oh my God, even creepier. This area, of course, like, it's winter, it's dark at 3.30. Nobody's around.

And you're just on the corner. Wait. wait walk you're waiting for Christmas to come around so you can at least have an audience yeah

just echoing off the buildings of downtown Spokane Washington I okay this is a fun experiment let's move off

what intersection are you guys picturing right now because I know I'm picturing one in particular I'm yeah River Park Square fuck yeah

that's the one I'm talking behind it we're on your way to the science center. That's what I'm picturing. Oh, no, I'm picturing the walking across to Red Robin. Oh, okay.

Zach, which one did you picture? None of those. No. Something off division, though. Oh, fuck. Just fat ties. Wait. Telling someone on fentanyl or meth

to wait? Well, he's standing in the middle of the... He's like, bro, I don't have a choice. Wait. I am. Balance. Balance. Wait.

Ouch. Oh. real quick. Because that's funny that you went within half a block of where my brain went though. Yeah. But I picture like, you know where the up ramp

to the parking garage is. But you're on the other side of it standing right there on the corner by the iron running statues. Yeah. Wait. It's just dumping snow. Wait.

Wait. No one's fucking there. Someone's on their way to the Monroe Street Bridge to end it. You're like, wait. Jump. Wait.

Don't jump. Your life is worth it. Wait. Wait. Do you don't have to wait? I don't have to wait. You said it. Blaming this on you, buddy. Walk. You feel responsible because the guy didn't wait. You jumped. Yep. There was a real quick, there was a guy was driving downtown the other day and he was clearly on something. Yeah. And he was standing in the middle of the road, kind of like walking, walking across the street. and I come driving up and I'm slowing down because I'm thinking

this guy's walking across the street so I'm kind of just sitting there waiting to see what he's going to do and he just looks at me and he's like go go like I am the asshole I can't reach your mind

I'm like I don't know if you're going to walk in front of me I don't know if you're just hanging out and he's looking at me frustrated like go idiot go I'm clearly playing Frogger and you're a log and you're like

You're about to get runned over. Fuck, man. Just. Yeah. There'll be something over there. Yeah. I'll tell you what. Wait, that didn't work.

Here it is. There it is. Hey. All rise. Hello. For the gold and geese. Daniel McCart. Stephen Gell.

Matthew Leonard. Jason Glazer. Jordan Holiday. The soap fucking. Neil dafeiting. A knee and three and Todd. Zootenhoist. Sounds like a type of hot dog you could order in an alley.

I'll have the Zooten horse. We'll have the Zooten Horse to go, please. When you like cream cheese, you fucking bet your ass. Sourkewarm. Horsed radish. Get one dirty Zooten horse with cream cheese, please. Oh, three Zooten horse. All right, moving off to what are you thinking about?

Zach, come on now. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about?

Wait. Wait. Wait. All right. I wish I could run this wire up my butt. Whoa. And then come just, it goes through my system straight to my ear. God, I wish that sentence ended on come.

I wish I could run this wire right at my butt and just come. Yeah. Whatever. Like anal beads. Mm-hmm. Give it any end up beads? What do you fucking think, dude? Why are you doing this?

In public? I haven't. Ah. Yeah. Oh, son of a gun. I've almost died. Ready? No, no beats?

Yeah, right. Nope. Oh. Segway. Back to what are you thinking about? Here we go. Parents, I had my mom and my stepdad in town. Yay.

For the last, like, four-ish days. I remember. You remember? Yeah, she stopped by. What position did you play? Pitcher? Yeah. So my mom, hello.

My mom and my stepdad were they're staying at, or we're staying at my ex-wife, Aaron's house. Okay? So luckily, the whole relationship is fine enough. Yes. Everything is good and great in that world. I had the kids here instead of smashing everybody into this truly, truly, unique one of a kind custom made townhouse that they're making more of across the street no they're not they're clearing out a whole space no they will not nothing is like this i will never know what the

inside of their houses look like because they're all custom unique one of a count time houses okay if there wasn't a stuffed animal in front of your house i'd never find this you don't have to come on guys and the chalk this is a beautiful assisted living facility anyway So kids are staying here. My mom's stepdad are staying at Aaron's. Aaron was there for like the first couple days. Then she took off. She went to, I think, Canada or something.

So they were just staying there. But something that, like my mom and my stepdad, they can't just don't. Like they always have to be doing something or working on something. And it's fine because they love it. So. And Ezra basically became like the right-hand man of my stepdad to, fix a bunch of shit around Aaron's house. Like, they fixed, I mean, things that...

He was Al Borland. Things that used to be mine are now fixed. Snowblowers running again. Love it. Good for you guys. They fixed the garage door, and they fixed, like, some other things that were wrong around the house. Anyway, this particular project, this was on Saturday, and a windstorm blew a bunch of molding off of, like, a little piece of the house.

And I have been on that house and fixed so many things. And my stepdad, Paul, he was like, hey, hey, Joey, can I get your help fixing this? I'm like, yeah, of course, not a problem. Because I know that it's tricky. Okay, that's the setup. I'm going to go help fix some shit on my ex's house with my family. You know, life is weird. You know, life is just awkward at all.

Life is, yeah. I used to live here. But that's, I was like, oh, my God. I was fucking right here. Here's all my shit on the lawn. You just left it here for me? And I know this, so this particular part of the roof, whoever built it didn't do roofs, clearly.

So it's an overhang, and it's like a slanted kind of a frame-looking thing. And at the top where you have to put the ladder, the sheet metal is not flush or even a one-inch overhang on the side that you have to climb up on. The only other access points are covered by gutters, so you can't rest your ladder. I don't have a gutter with the little fun arms that you can overreach the gutter and make it safely up. So I guess I have a normal extended ladder. And the point to get up here is probably 15 feet up. Lay it up there and the sheet metal overhangs by like seven, eight inches.

And there's nothing there. It's just flimsy sheet metal that the ladder goes under. So when you get to the top, you have to like step over and swing your legs. It sounds like something that fucking sliced alone did in cliffhanger. Yeah. And I have to set this up because then this will make sense. I learned a very valuable lesson. I didn't really think about it. I woke up and I was like, yeah, I will go do it. And eight, and I haven't, at summertime, I haven't worn fucking shoes and months.

So I just put sandals on to go do some roof work. You think, you, you think. I thought about it. And I was like, it's not like, it's not that steep. But I really just didn't, I underestimated this overhang that I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I was like, it's a pain in the ass, but it's not that bad. So I wore fucking sandals. But once you get up there, it's still a roof. You still need traction.

I said that I learned. Okay? I learned a lot that day. If you are a smart guy, this is kind of... Yeah, I know. So I just wore sandals. And I get there. My stepdad's not there.

And I'm like, well, I know how to fix stuff. So I packed up the drill. I grabbed the pieces of the molding, the wood that had blown off in a windstorm, put some nails in my pocket. and I got some clippers because I was going to also help her out. There's an old, like, internet line that also was draping across the garage that they don't use anymore. I was like, well, I'll clip that while I'm up there. And so I climb up there to the top of the ladder, again, probably 15 feet up. And I reach over the little overhang and I put all the tools up there.

And then I climbed to the very, very last step of the ladder. Which you shouldn't do. No, it's like I say extending painting ladder, not one with like a, it leans. It leans against the house. They don't make, those are usually, they don't usually go that high at that point. So it's leaning against the angled roof on the side. And I'm like, okay, I hate this part.

You go over it. You have nothing to hold on to. So my hands are on top of a burning hot summer black painted fucking tin roof. Sheet metal. I put my hands on like, ow, that hurts. Okay. You're going to have to move fast. So I

Oh no, you have no idea So I put my hands on it Like okay And I push myself up And I go to swing my right leg Over the over the overhang And the sheet metal goes between my sandal

And my toesies And wedges in Between my fucking feet So now I'm on one foot With my fucking foot stuck On the sheet metal Overhang

With nothing to hang on to And it's boiling hot It's boiling hot So I can't touch it thing and my foot stuck at like waist level trying to swing over and I'm like fuck and my left legs are like doing sewing machines like so the ladder's like like bouncing below me and I'm holding on it felt like forever but it's probably like three seconds I'm just standing on one leg with my foot stuck going oh my god I'm gonna fucking die because if you fall in that position below me is not

grass it's concrete you can't bring your foot down so I would have swung right around to my head for 15 feet down on the concrete. But I, you know, just go and shake my foot out from being wedged on the sheet metal. Swing it over. Of course, I'm also wearing shorts and sandals because I, you know, it's, I didn't, whatever, forgot that metal gets hot. And so now I'm burning my knees and my hands, climbing over the folded sheet metal as I climb up there.

And I had to just sit the fuck down for like. 10 minutes. Like, I have not been that scared. Of course, flashbacks to the bridge. Mishap. With last time I was like that scared to do something. You almost died. And I guess sat up there and I was just like, just fucking you idiot.

So now I'm sweaty, going back to angled roof and sandals. Every step I take, my feet are the thong part of the sandal are just smashing into my feet. It's like trying to fix this shit. And my stepdad shows up, and he gets up there, he goes, you okay. And I was like, mm-hmm. And he goes, oh, man, he goes, oh, smart are you to wear sandals? I'm like, I know, I know. So I told him the story, and he was like, whew, he goes, that would have been bad.

I was like, I know. Fixed it all up. Getting off the roof, it was embarrassing how, like, shaky and terrified I was to climb back down that ladder. Dude, that getting down off roof is terrible sometimes. Yeah, especially when you're just so scared. I was contemplating, I was like, oh, man, 15 feet into the grass, isn't that bad? Like, I was just going to jump off. Dude, that's still a long way.

I know. But in my head, I'm like, you're going to be so shaky climbing over this edge. You're going to fall off the ladder anyway. How high is this roof? This right here? Eight. 10, eight, no, not eight, nine, nine, nine, yeah. Maybe nine or 10 feet, 10 foot roofs in here.

So I mean, you're just go up from there. That's a, I don't care. Grass isn't. I care what you say. Grass isn't that soft. Yeah, I don't hear you. But I was contemplating that. And there's a trampoline too.

I was like, well, which way could I have to jump off and land on the trampoline? You don't land on your feet from 15 feet. Yeah, you'll need yourself in the head. Right. You kind of just got to jump into your back. Yeah. Yeah, the back would probably be the best. And then bounce right into the neighbor's yard.

Hello. Or bounce right back up onto the roof. Fuck! bounce back up my circus guys both feet get stuck just hanging there you're welcome for helping anyway but I didn't die

it was just a very scary situation I wanted to share with you guys don't ever go do roofwork with sandals on roof roof work in general you probably should lead that to the pros because I got on there last year to clean to scrape all the moss off

ours and I don't know how I made it through without not falling off. I was holding on to the roof and bending down and all it would have taken is my hand just going, whoop, and it would have just rolled off the roof. Yeah. So, like, what are we doing? Why are we doing that? I don't know.

We don't have the proper safety stuff. But I didn't die and her roof is fixed. So it all worked out. At least for now. Yep. All right, let's do some dick stuff. You ready for it? Mm-hmm.

Is it dumb? Then it's dick. Big. Bunk. Okay. You're on steroids, right, Joe? No, I am on testosterone. That's right.

Replacement. That's right. I'm not on opioids. Do people still do steroids, right? It's still a thing. Still in? Yeah, I think so. There was a guy that just got last place in a bodybuilding competition.

Oh, my God. That's the story, Zach? Oh, all right. Thanks, Zach. I didn't read it. Nice. All right. I'm not looking ahead here.

I didn't say the last part. I just said the one part. I see it now. There it is. Let's put that up on the screen there. Let me read the headline of the story. Man who drank heavily and took steroids without working out finished his last in bodybuilding debut.

There you go. How'd that work? What? No way. How'd I lose? Because you're hammered. Because you're hammered. Bucco.

And the thing, the funny thing about it is, like, he doesn't have a bad body. Yeah, thank you. Oh, the guy. Go ahead. Yeah. And I think, so this was like a viral thing. Like, he had a, he had an Instagram account, which I found out later that he had that. And it was kind of a whole thing.

So, I mean, it's still funny. But a man who drank heavily and took steroids without working out. went out boozing, missed bodybuilding final. Sorry. Oops. Peter Mossfield is officially taken his bizarre bodybuilding experiment to the stage. Mossfield, the man behind the viral booze bag fitness account, previously gained attention by claiming he was taking anabolic steroids and drinking heavily while not working out.

All with the goal of eventually entering a bodybuilding competition. On Saturday, August 8th, he actually did it. Mossfield completed the men's classic physique, Open Class B at the 2026 NPC. See that transition? Sliding those glasses on. Costa Mecca Classic in New York. According to official results, Mossfield finished eighth

and last among the competitors who received a placing. Well, I mean, okay, you can continue on. if there's anything else you'd like to read on this well just yeah it gets it gets stranger here according to Mossfield he left the venue after pre-judging to go drinking then lost track of time and missed the finals

so the fact that it says that he finished last he didn't because he made the cut that's one thing that the headline is being misleading about he did not show up and get dead last he made it to the next round and failed to show up and then got less.

So I think there's more research. What actually is a little bit worse because if you would have got knocked out early, you know, it would have been like, ha, story's over, but he actually had a chance to finish pretty high. But did not.

And blew it because he was out boozing as he says. I mean, you look at him compared to the man next to him. Like, I mean, he didn't have a chance. But look at it. Yeah.

But still, Again, though, like, he's still a fit dude. Yeah. I just love the, uh, the tiny little shorts, uh, song or speedo that the, the guys wear just leaves so much to the imagination. It does. Look at my grapes. I know. Literally, the guy on the right, that is just the smallest little thing.

Yeah. Like, he's not packing a hog at all. No. Like you look at that guy and he looks ripped and you think like, oh, man, he's probably got a, fucking hogbone underneath there? No. No. Like he took off his Joey Hogbone Bar and Grill's shirt right before that.

And then Hogbone, like, their marketing team's like, please put the shirt back on. Please cover what, like, you're not, you're not packing. You are misleading. You're not, this is not hogbone proud. No. This is not hogbone. They take his picture off the wall. They're like, like, hog bones.

Nope. It looks like he gets three balls, like just one ball on top of the other two. Yeah, that's a good way. Yeah, it's like a little gumdrop on top of a stack of grapes. Not a whole lot going on there. But you did ask if steroids were still popular. Would you like the AI review? I would.

Yes. Anabolic steroids remain very popular. Estimates show that roughly 3 million to 4 million people in the United States, about 3% to 4% of the population, have used anabolic steroids. And usage is driven heavily by social media. Fitness culture. and body image goals rather than professional sports. It just,

it seems like such an 80s thing. You know what I mean? Like, when you hear about steroids, you just visualize like muscle beach and gold's gym and like just wrestlers and huge bodies on steroids. Yeah. That's what I think of.

You just don't, I guess you don't hear about steroids. Maybe that's what it is. Yeah. And you just don't hear about it. Especially anabolic. When you hear it like, but anabolic.

steroids was very, it's very specific. Yeah, it also sounds like that could be like a Marvel superhero. Mm-hmm. Oh, no. Here comes anabolic. Mm-hmm. Hello. Hopefully he brought his steroids. Hopefully he brought his giant dick.

His little Peter. Drinking and missing. I wonder if that was like a publicity stunt. Yeah. To just be like, you know what? I'm going to miss it. I'm not going to win anyway. I've seen the bods. I mean, I was in the changing room

looking at these bods. I'm not going to win, so I want to drink and just miss it. He certainly milked it. He's all over the news, so. Yeah, it worked out for him. But we don't know his name. Yeah, we do. I didn't read it.

Peter Mossfield. Oh, yeah, Peter Mossfield, which, is that a real name? Or is that just a bodylifting name? That sounds like a stage name. Mr. Mossfield. Joey Mosswall. Peter Mossfield. Mm-hmm.

If that's his real name. That's just an untrimmed penis. Peter Mossfield. And unshorn. Yeah, it's just lost in the... Lost in the bush. Dude, imagine a bodybuilder wearing the little speedo but not shaving around there. So he's all just here, but then it's just a bush.

It's just a beaver pelt. Poking out of his... Poked out of his speedo. Yeah. You fucking, yeah. I want to see that at a beach. It's braided. A guy's just like shorn everywhere, but then it's huge bush.

Huge bush. Poking out. Dear Diary Dear Diary Bush Dear Diary Braided my Bush for the contest Super Bush

Dear Diary Braided my bush For the Comp For the big comp today And really enjoyed it I think I might keep it I think I might keep it

Anyway See you tomorrow See you tomorrow Anyway I also bought a lottery ticket See tomorrow diary I was at Maverick today And I saw a guy

buying a lottery ticket and we kind of made eye contact and I just I went in to get a pop and I just was thinking about it I'm like is that guy I think he's gonna win? Because I was thinking about that stuff

I'm like the likelihood of win the lottery is so low but when you go in to buy a lottery ticket you're thinking I might there's a chance I might win I mean this at the time that we record this it was just announced that dude in Illinois somebody or not a dude could be

woman won the fucking billion dollar lottery one winning so they he probably thought he's like oh why not he takes the lump sum for 450 mill fuck you please do it please do

because of a decision you made yeah you just you walked in a story like yeah you know what maybe I will you saw it on the sign last second you're buying some fucking checks mix and I've in a white claw

I'll take a powerball while you're at it. You watch like three people in front of you buy and you're like, what's the big deal? They ask like, what's up to a billion? He's like, all right, well, I'll get one. What's, what's, how much is it for a ticket? A couple bucks. Yeah, like, what's two or three bucks? It's like, all right.

He opens the white claw while at the counter. All right. Do you want to pick them? I don't, how do we even do it? 12, 9, 12, 12. All right. 4269. I'll pick the numbers that I had a DUI every year.

By the way, I found this bag of meth on the floor. Here you go. Yeah, here you go. Some guy was trying to smoke it. Yeah, but he just got $450 million if he takes the cash out. He didn't think he was going to win. That's so many tax money that it's just going. Well, he can get the billion, but it takes 29 years to pay out.

So you take the lump sum, invest a couple hundred mil... Sorry, a couple hundred million. Pay half of it in taxes. Well, not of that. That's already after taxes. Oh, the lump sum. they take out the tax. Beforehand, that's how it got down to $450, right?

Is that not true? I don't know. How do I know? Yeah, that is. That's how it got down to that. They took all the taxes out and you just built 400 schools. I think I would, I think I'd keep like $50 million out, put it in your bank account, take the $400. What?

And just risk it all? No, no. I mean, like put that, spread it around and just let it start earning dividends and things like that and not touch it. I mean, the way things are going, I'm not sure if I put all of that into the fucking economy. And just hope for the best. Well, you spread it around. You diversify. I hear you.

Index funds, Joe. It always comes back up. Index funds. It won't forever. All right. So we move off to our next story. We got to put it somewhere. Yeah.

Fucking right into some sex toys. Just put in a high interest CD at a bank. $450 million townhouse. At 4%. I would buy this entire townhouse. house community, bulldoze it, and then put a flag in it. It's with a middle finger. He'd be like, fuck this place.

What are you doing? I'm looking at 400 million. Say the times 3.5%. That's $14 million a year. It's just sitting in a bank account that you don't have to invest it. Just put it in a high yield savings account for 3.5%. You just make $14 million a year. I like that.

That's a good play. And you can live off of it, and everyone's fine. Yeah. Think you can survive about 14 million a year? I think I can make it work. Just a little over a million a month? Fuck. What?

What the fuck is that? Honey, you got to quit spending. Fuck you. No, we don't. You just have to stop buying a yacht every month. You can't keep getting door dash. Yes, I can. You're door dashing yachts.

And cars. What are we going to run out of money? God. All right, we're going to New York. New York School pauses, $60,000 AI robot, teacher over privacy fears, makers sex doll ties.

Hell yeah, dude. This is fucking... That's an awkward ass sentence. Yeah, it wasn't a well-written headline. So at upstate New York school districts planned, use of an artificial intelligence-powered humanoid robot in a classroom has been put on hold after parents and teachers

raise concerns about the manufacturer including that the company is linked to hyper hyper realistic sex bots big picture view uh salamanica city salamanca so who says saramanca central school district what planned to deploy a 60,000 dollar station robot with long dark hair, stationary, which had already been nicknamed Sally, school board members for the district, which is on the Seneca Nation of Indians Reservation, signed off on the nearly $60,000 purchase,

saying it would help high school students interested in robotics in technology fields. And boobs. Superintendent Mike Beeler explained that the Rehobotics robot would be able to help explain technical issues, as well as give students a chance to see how it's maintained, and how do troubleshoot issues. And to see the boobs.

And boobs. Boops. As more and more people learned about the plan, new fears about its implementation started to rise. Parents and teachers expressed concerns about how the students' personal information may be used. The district has said the robot would not be collecting information, nor would it be recording video or audio.

Okay. robotics responded to the privacy concerns by assuring families that any student linked information would be encrypted and under the district's control. It also denied that Sally was a repurposed sex doll and described it as a newly manufactured purpose-built educational unit. We got all the come off of it. What do you want? It's cleaned. God. We bleached the hell out of it.

We scraped Sally so much. What do you think teachers are? are now. Are they repurposed sex dolls? Like if a teacher has sucked a dick, they can't teach you about geography? If a teacher stuck some stuff in their butt, fucking social studies are off the table. There's no more teachers. You repurposed sex unit. It is weird to think you go to like elementary school and a nice little fourth grade teacher is their teaching her kids and then she goes home and she's just filthy in bed. she's like

class gets out early grade some tests straight A's proud of her kids go homes and just fucking spit roast come fuck yeah fuck yeah dude that's the beauty of life

you know as long as as well everyone seems to frown upon the whole like student teacher love affair thing which you don't get it I don't get it

and I love the fact that if it was It's consensual. They asked the sex doll company. They're like, well, why did you guys get in? It's like, well, we didn't want the classroom to be completely void or to parents and not have to worry about whether their kid might fuck their teacher. So we made sure that it has some sort of sex appeal and might suck your kid's dick. We can't just eliminate the entire American experience.

We want to keep this. It's supposed to be lifelike. This is authentic. I love the idea of it if it was a repurposed sex doll where it's teaching them. class and it's like pointing this used to be Mesopotamia and then when this happened and then like her code tweaks out a little bit and she like just drops her top down and starts moaning and stuff and you kids are like whoa whoa whoa just pops a boob out and she starts talking dirty to the god and as you can see here on mount everest there's a guy with green

boots and he's been fucking dead oh you fuck temperature temperature's well below free makes your fucking nipple so fucking hard. She takes her top off and then kicks back into teaching again, so she's just standing there topless teaching. Deep throats of laser pointer and then goes right back to telling you where Ohio is. Like, what? That'd be a great class. Just rubbing herself.

All the kids are getting A's. This is the new Bermuda Triangle. Oh, L. So if they, let's say they got rid of her, they would have to, they'd either have to just take the batteries out on plug her or like reassign her to something else. So, like sex ed. Yeah. Just, but it's stationary, which is so funny. It's like a puppet.

Just fucking, you're sitting there as a kid and you're so nervous about sex ed class, right? Every kid is. Like, oh my God, they're going to talk to us about fucking dicks and boobs. And then the kids are all sitting there And the door's like Like it opens up And then some Greasy janitor

Rolls Sally in on a dolly She's just like I picture like the base Looks like one of those At home punching bags And just like just Just like just drop her down And she goes in front of the class

And he's like He's pitting out is exhausted from rolling sex ed sally around the fucking middle school and he's like cracks his back undoes the

plug-in cord it doesn't reach the wall he's like hang on kids I need an extension he just leaves it comes back just walk like waddles back in with a yellow extension cord

that's way too big that's all he had he needed one foot he got 400 just the coil that he's like plugs it in.

Sally's like, like, Hi, kids. Does like a little warm-up routine, this robot. Hi, Sally, are you awake? Yes. I'm ready to talk about penis. All right, kids, have fun. Squeak, squeak, squeak, dolly noises. be that TV on that stand. Do I fucking remember that? Like everybody, you'd walk in and you'd see that stand.

You're like, hell yeah, we're watching movie today or some educational thing. It was like, yeah. Mr. Jacobson hung over again. Exactly. We didn't have to. It's like we weren't, that's what we were doing today. We were watching videos, whatever. But now picture that you walk in there and just on the, on one of those rollers.

There's just a top torso of Sally. Like one of those. Hell yeah, dude. Like little little girl. When they have like the mannequin, you can make their hair. It's just Sally's blowjob mouth on a TV stand. But it's like in sleep mode. You're like, fuck yeah.

Oh, they took the tits away. Yeah, they locked them off. Just wearing the most, she's just wrapped in a tarp. No, that's what they did. They locked them off to be when she was going to be a teacher. And then when they repurposed her back to that, they had to put fake ones on. Okay. So she got a boob job.

Got a boob job. They made them extra perky. only in Utah. I'm sorry. Yeah, just a sex doll with a backstory. I'm sure how I care about that. I used to teach. I used to be on top of the world.

Cabbage patch dolls used to come with certificates, right? Yeah. I used to be a part of society. And you just have this repurposed sex doll you're trying to fuck. I used to help the kids. Shut up, Sally! Yeah, you're just, yeah, it's a sex toy, but she's just talking about real life. Flashbacks to her in real life.

I used to make a difference. in our community. And you're just like, I'm not doing this. Catch my ropes, Howard. Just trying to, oh my God, just trying to break up with a repurposed teacher sex doll. This isn't going to work. You keep talking about kids. It's so hard to stay hard.

She starts talking about how some of the kids, how they had rough lives and their upbringing and how she used to. And you're just like, fuck. She's like, you know, the budgets were too low. So sometimes I had to go to. and buy supplies for the kids myself. Mm-hmm. Okay, can I use the other hole? Yeah, sure.

So I'd have to, sometimes I'd have to take out, I'd short on crayons. I don't know where all the reds went, and you're like, fucking shut up. My God. You're trying to turn the volume down? Just mute.

Why'd you mute me? Your app sucks. Yeah, it doesn't connect. All right, let's sign off to some petty beef. Okay. That's fucking, yeah. Pilots in the court.

You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Boo-we-hoo. Do it. Bo-boo.

All right. So, is it Sonia or Sonja? Sonia. Is it Sonja? It's Saja. Just pronounced Sonia? Okay. That's what I thought.

I just wanted to make sure she didn't have like a cool sonja. Someone did it play more. combat. I did. Sonia Blade. Get over here. Kiss of death. Sonia.

All right. Hey dads and Uncle Zach. Hello. Hello. Got a high thoughts petty beef rings. Okay. So if hermaphrodite fucks themselves and has a baby. Is it incestuous?

Is it an incestuous child? or more like a cloning situation. I think it's cloning, and my suite says it's an incest baby. What do you think? Hugs and tugs, your dirty daughter, Sowne, sent from your mom's Samsung fridge. Get out of my mom's house!

And also, this is very belated, but she wrote in, P.S. if possible, a happy birthday to my son, Dakota, also a listener. Happy 26th birthday, Boyo, a very proud mama. And this was back on May 18th.

Oh, okay. It's a little old. Sorry. We got a lot to dig through. Yeah. There's things in there. Well, happy birthday. Happy belated.

Happy belated Dakota. And thanks for listening. And thanks for using the feature on my mom's Samsung fridge. No. She doesn't use it. Yeah, it's nice. You got that for the feature and then you never used it. I don't know my thoughts on this.

Are we thinking about just our perspective or whether it technically is? It's tough because this is a courtroom. It's got to hold up. We need to define terms, maybe. Okay. Look up incestuous, I guess. Add to your red flag account. It's fine.

It's fine. They already don't. Yeah. Incessuous. Well, I think what we have to define here is a hermaphrodite. Hermaphrodite. Hermaphrodite. Is it technically...

My favorite God. A woman who has a womb, but also a penis and... Like a sperm. Like an engorge clit. Or is it a, like a, is it a male who doesn't have a womb and can't produce eggs and stuff like that, you know, in ovaries? So you have to have both things for it to create a child. Okay. So I'm going to start with hermaphrodites.

A hermaphrodite is an organism that has both male and female reproductive organs. Okay. And can produce both sperm and eggs. Okay. So it has all of the required plumbing to make a baby. Can't, let's just go right. Let's just fucking get in this. I'm just, can hermaphrodite get pregnant from itself?

Yeah. Can a hermaphrodite? I don't think so. See, I wasn't sure. I always thought it was just all the outward sexual parts. I would, I never, I guess I never looked it up to see if there was, to had the, well, this might. Intermaking. This might stop.

the petty beef right in its tracks. Yeah. No. A human cannot get themselves pregnant. While the outdated term hermaphrodite is sometimes used, medical professionals use the term intersex. There are rare documented cases of intersex individuals with ovarian and testicular tissue who have achieved pregnancy via an external partner.

But self-fertilization, auto-fertilization, does not occur. in humans. Why not? I'll ask. Not for lack of trying, I'm sure. Oh, dude, I'd be fucking my own pussy. So, I think, because it's not possible, I think we have to, this has to be, this has to be hypothetical.

Okay. So you have to, let's, let's make it like it, let's say it is possible for you to get pregnant in this hypothetical situation. Well, incest is a close family member. Yeah. Do you count as your closest family member? Is that what we're doing here? That was...

Ow! Oh, my God. Fucking neck. Always something. I think it's all thrown out the window because cloning, if you have a baby, it's not a clone. It's got different... Yeah, but that's because you have someone else's involved. Oh, right.

Okay. It's good to get it out. This is... Get it all out. Let's just go ahead and talk about things and, hey, no judgment here. But there would be different genetics. material, even if it's from your body. It's like a roll of the dice of a billion sides, right? Yeah, which sperm gets in there. Yeah. It says here, which is just crazy when you just look at it from a

scientific perspective, even when both types of reproductive tissues exist, like with intersex, they are rarely fully functional at the same time. And hormone levels and anatomical blockages prevent the auto consumption. So your body's like, listen, I get it. You're horned up. You're fully hog-boned. But just the way our bodies are, it's like you're not going to make yourself pregnant. What if you were so hog-boned up, but you couldn't get yourself wet to actually be able to... Yeah, the girl side of you was so disappointed in the male side of you?

I get it. Just so turned off. It's so turned off by your... The girl part of you is lesbian. I just wish it so bad you had another one. So what if they're like conjoined twins then? Where are we going? So if it's a conjoined twin situation with a male and female, can you have that?

Can you have a male and female conjoined twin? Siamese twins? These are the questions that plague mankind. Male and female. Big sigh. Biologically, male and female mixed gender conjoined twins are virtually impossible. This is because conjoined twins are always identical, meaning they develop from a single fertilized egg and share the same genetic makeup

and sex chromosomes. So you don't see a split sex conjoined twins. Yeah, I didn't figure you could. Why'd you ask? Because it's it makes for fun. Because we're having fun Yeah, we're having fun. Yeah. Anything else? I could just I could just say no, let's not have fun and move on, but I like

thought provoking questions. I never search for this. One of the searches that are saying, it says, find hotels and resorts. It's American Express? What? I would never search for that.

Right after... Disney canceled Star Wars movie. Those are trending searches. Sure, but Navy sales use ABSS... Oh, fine. But voicer changed... What's that? Choice or Voicer? Nintendo Pokemon Bank.

Oh, okay. Fine hotels and resorts American Express. How much did they pay to have that show up? Dr. Congo Ebola outbreak? Dude, let's find out. Have we not talked about that? DRC's fast-growing Ebola outbreak spreads to six province. Okay.

They don't look like they're having fun. No one ever said Ebola was fun. You know what a bowl of cereal sounds pretty good about right now? We are going bowling. So, fuck, sorry, Sonia. It's not. Because in the same breath, take away the extra reproductive thing is just jerking off. Is that incest?

No. Because you're your closest. No, you're just masturbating. Mustard. Yeah, there's no answer. There's no right. Oh, there is. Or wrong answer to this.

Because it can't be asked. Well, if you're trying to decide which one it is, you're both wrong. You're both wrong. So there's no, there's no solution to have here. That's why, that's why you have to live in a hypothetical world. So if you lived in a hypothetical world, which one would it be? It would not be.

incest. You can't you can't be related to yourself. So I guess the closest one in this situation be cloning. Like you are just you. Yeah.

Yeah. So for the sake of answering this thing through hypothetical situations, cloning. Let's say cloning. Cloning. Zach? Yeah.

Yeah. Hard to ignore the facts. This is a courtroom. Yeah. This is a courtroom after all. Guilty. officially guilty death penalty

I'd love to picture them at home on the couch arguing about this though but keeping it going like they're driving they're driving home from dinner like pissed at each other fucking of course it's cloning stupid it's been four years

of little bickers those silent car rides after a little fight yeah god I love them steam coming out of your ears just like how

we get this back? How do we get back to normalcy? How can I ever love you again? How can I convince you to stop caring? Why do you care so much about this? It's not that big of a deal. All right. Moving off. Here's something good, right? Yeah. I don't want to fuck that up again. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! Oh. on this story I thought I was a little nod to the gaggle so I put it in there which is funny because I have this story on

News Radio Joe. Did you now? I did. Then how about you read it since you're familiar with the story? Are you not? You put it in the... No, I know, but you read about it and you used your radio voice. You're a professional. Mine's not loading. So there's that. Back to you.

Richmond, Texas. A Fort Bend County family's goose. Nice. Glasses. Maybe that honking hero we all need. That goose named, aptly named Goosey. Gosh, dang. If we named your dog, doggy. I had a dog, caty.

I had a dog, cat named Kitty. Yeah, DOG. Nice. Everyone did that one for that one. It's kind of a little Nick, yeah, whatever. Yeah. Okay. Alerted his owner's family to a fire that started in their barn earlier this week.

the heroics were captured on video. Goosey is only about four months old, and most of the time he keeps to himself. Don't care for him. I don't like it. Give me the food and go away. I don't like that. But early Tuesday morning,

Goosey made sure his family knew something was wrong. I was watching TV, and I conked out on the couch. Burt Gerber said. Bert Gerber. Oh, my gosh. Dude, if you don't have... Fucking Bert Gerber. If you don't have a mom and pop...

shop selling toaster screws. Like that's just that name. We go down to Bert Gerber. Have you gone down to Bert Gerber's? He'll have your toaster screws. Yeah, I got them right here. That sounds like one of those stores that's a store, but it's really a guy's name. But you don't think of it as a guy's name.

Bert Gerber. Like Fred Meyer. You go to Fred Meyer. Gosh. That doesn't sound like it's not a guy's name. It's a store. But then when you think about it, it's like a dude just named like jewelry or Michael Corseman.

purses. It's just a guy's name. Tommy Hill figure. Yeah, exactly. Which is kind of fun. I do like that we've surpassed the one where people just name businesses themselves. Because they just name it who they are as people. I'm glad that we've progressed past that.

Oh, got it. Businesses have started just like naming them different things. Yeah. You don't just go to Burke Gerber's anymore. But doesn't that sound like a restaurant? Doesn't that sound like a store name and not a human name? Yeah, it does. Absolutely. So it is like they just built a new luxury

condominium downtown beautiful corduane in the name of the fucking tower it is the prime real estate

and it's called the Thomas George fucking sweet guys I figured it'd be a hag it's just the last name of the two people Thomas George

no one wants the fucking I'm at the Thomas George it's better it's better than when websites name an arena or something yeah

pornhub.com Thomas George Arena. I'd like that more than Fuck. Oracle. My man. I don't know. I don't know.

It's called the George. It's called like the TG. The TG Tower. Sounds great. Mm. T.G. Tower. Yeah. But the fucking Thomas George.

Come on. The Joe Brian. Yeah. The Joe Zach. Fuck you. Just the Paisley Flannery. And like each each,

the, The condos went. Doesn't get more higher than that. $1.5 million for the lowest of the condos in this fucking thing. And you have to say you live in a Thomas George. Back to you. I'm done.

Back to Bert Gerbers. Bert Gerber's. Bert Gerber Tower. You could call it the Tommy G. The Tommy G. The Tommy Gbers. The Tommy Gerber. God, the idea of like,

oh, fuck the toaster's not toasting. I'm just, hon, I'm going to run down to Bert Gerber's. grab a couple of toaster screws. A couple of toasters screws. The tree, yeah, I know the trade. Will you stop at the grocery store?

I have a list. I'm gonna, fuck. Yeah. It's just, the time I leave the house, I have a list. Every time I leave the house, I got milk and cheese.

Fuck. I just want to fix the fucking break Trump tray. Like every time. Now I'm out on a, I'm out on an adventure now. Mm-hmm. And I just need a two Burt Gerber screws.

Fucking five minutes of Burt Gerber's. Turn into two hours, dude. I just casually came outside. Whoops. This alarm was... Nope. The barn was on fire. Nope.

A sound of family... Nope. I was watching TV and talked out of the porch, said Bert Gerber. Couch. What did I say? Porch. Ah, here we go. That's when Goosey let out several honks in the middle of the night.

My throat was trying to honk. A sound of the family hadn't heard before. Bert! Jesus Christ, what's up was goosey. Gerber! It was all caught on the security camera. The barn was on fire. Goosey was sounding the alarm.

I just casually came outside. He just casually here. I was like, God damn, Goosey, what the hell's going? Jesus Christ! Call the fire department! Huh? Ah! And saw the fire billowing out of there, he said.

I grabbed a water hose and ran over there. What other type of hose? What other type of hose you grab in bird? Petroleum jelly. I'm grabbing a gas hose. Nope, just hose. I grabbed a water hose. Different area codes.

You can just say I grabbed a water. We'd probably figure it out. Or I grabbed a hose. I grabbed the hose. I grabbed a hose. Okay, it's in a hose. Or I grabbed a hose. Okay, it's full of water.

Grabbed a water hose. Hot water heater. That's why I like, that's why I love Spanish a lot is it's all about context. It depends on what you're talking about. I don't need context to know that, I mean, if you give me context that there was a fire, and you said you grabbed a hose. I know what you're talking about. Yeah, there's water in it.

You didn't grab a cheese hose. Right. Right. So I ran outside, grabbed the fondue hose. I could have grabbed the water hose, but I thought the fondue would be... I rolled the keg over and grabbed a beer hose. Nope. That's not how that worked.

I'm not going to waste that. Tiny little hose. He quickly put out the flames. The animals inside were somehow safe. A few more minutes. the family says could have changed everything. Well, good job, Goosey. If I hadn't been woken up, I think a couple more, I thought he's going to see a couple more times.

A couple more minutes, it would have been out of control, Bert said. We didn't even want the goose, they said. They went to hug a goose event, and that's where the Elaine Gerber, their daughter fell in love. That made you want a goose? Yeah, go down the wood. What made you want a goose? Well, I mean, I hugged one. When we got him, he was so small and he was just so fluffy, she said.

When I got pet his head, he was just to rest his head on my arm, and I just made me tear up. Yeah, Goose will get you. Well, good job, Goosey. We're proud of you. We're proud of you. Why is this woman laying in her uniform? Show me. Because that's AI.

And she needs some fucking lubiderm. It's going to only imagine what her insides are like. I used to love the sun We know It's just all great AI pictures for those ads All right moving off Here's something I found on the internet

Zach, put it on and fuck it! The internet is pretty wild Depending on your browsing habits You can either experience something super cool Or go to prison Crazy, right? Let's check it out together As a couple

Hey, look what I found Yes! We get old. As we get older, we pills. You know what I mean? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

And I bought a toilet tree bag years ago, probably a decade ago now, that in the under part, because every toilet tree bag has the under part, the big long zipper

that, like the bottom flap, we, what are you looking at me like that? Has the top zipper where you put your things, then it has a bottom zipper we can put some other things, some long things that you don't want to put with the other things.

Fuck you. Mine doesn't have that. Oof. You have a Tesla that you just... All rise. For the golden geese. That's what you get. I mean a smart ass.

Jordan Holiday. Is it kind of like one of those old... That didn't creep anybody else out? I think he bumped it. I didn't touch shit. I was literally sitting here like this talking. Maybe he actually came in. Oh.

Anyway, sorry about that. There's like a baseball, those little baseball bags where you slide the bats underneath there, but you put out your, like your cleats and your mitts and everything on the bottom side. I can imagine it. I don't have that. Okay. Anyway, I bought one and it came with a pill organizer. Like it has Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

Yeah. And you put your pills in there because you're old. And you have to remember if you took your pills that day or not. And I never used it. I was like, I'm not, come on. Come on. I don't need to remember if I think. Like, I'm 41 now.

and I take some meds, but like I'm not to the point where I'm forgetting all the time. We have talked about how I will look in the mirror and be like, you took your medicine. Like I'll give myself. Oh, yeah. But I'm not, I'm not pill organizer there.

But this is such a good idea. Check this out. I'm on Amazon. Check this out. Look! So somebody was like, I'm not old enough for that giant pill organizer, but I will stick a little sticky thing on the side of my actual prescription

that has the days of the week. week on it. What if you bump it? I don't know, Brian. Don't. Like if you're holding it and then you go to set it back up and you just bump it back. What if you bump anything ever? So it shrinks it down into like kind of a very miniature.

It looks like a breaker panel in a way. So as you take it, you're like, I took it on Sunday and you go and you flick it over. So you work your way down your little pill jar and then you reset it when you're done. So you know which day you took it. And I can do that. That's taking stickers to the next level. Yeah, 3D sticks, dude. Yeah.

Man, and it's only $17. So that's a little steep for my blood. Hopefully it re-sticks. Too rich for my blood. Yeah. But then I guess maybe it doesn't stick that well because you don't want to lose it forever. So remove from bottle and stick to a new one over 12 times. Oh.

Or just take your pills out of the new thing and throw them in that. Yeah, I've got to remove it. of how many refills you have left. That's always a pain. No, no, you just, when you run out, you're listening to you. You take the new one and dump it in there and throw the other one away.

Yep. So I'm going to say what I just said again. You'll lose track of how many refills you have left are using the old jar. Got it. All right. I guess I just don't pay attention to that part of it. But that's an option. It's called the Quick Guide.

The taken slide. The take and slide peel and stick were usable for 12 plus refills pill medication, vitamin pet tracker and reminder attached to your bottle, organizer free curve, black, white, two pack. And pet groomer. It's crazy to me that we have a product for everything. Like, I never would have to guess we have that, and we do. And we do.

All right, time to hear from the kids. Jesus. Hey, good. All right, let's hear what you guys. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Wow.

You want the first or second one, huh? I'll take the first one. Then do it. What did I say? The first one and second one? We said first. Fucking piece. It's gone.

Glass is coming out. All right. His first email is coming in from our petty son, Richard, aka death. A fellow dick. Hello, Joe. Hello, boy. Hello to the amazing Uncle Zach. Hello.

Creator of my favorite things ever. Oh, Santa Claus. I'll take that. So long story, kind of shh. Whoops. Back to you? You need to clean your glasses? Can't redo that again.

Reset. So long story short, kind of fuck faces. That's all right. You could probably fuck my face. Okay. All right. I mean, I'm saying it's possible.

I'm not saying I'd let that. Oh, but probably could. Yeah, it's possible. Oh. had an upstairs neighbor for the last three years had until I'm murdered him let's call him

Ron because that's his fucking name dude is a drunk constantly stomping around and yelling about who even knows what I'm drunk I'm only I'm drunk I'm drunk Bop bongbunk

Worse kind of drunk Especially late at night Even worse I even had to go up there a couple times Because I could hear that he fell down hard and needed help Bunk a drunk guy run on the floor And then just cuck-clunk and then silence Painted drums in a big top band

Okay I always went up I always went up to help when I Heed a ruckus Perfect The worst one was he tripped over And tangled himself in the whole computer desk monitors And all

Like the pot top of paper, wrong drunk. It's just, that makes me think of the, the informational videos that I was doing. We're just like getting tangled up in the stupid shit. Yeah. Oh, no. Is this ever happened to you? Mm-hmm. No?

Yeah. Got tangled up in computer monitors from a computer desk. You ever get drunk and stumble around at night and get tangled up in your computer desk cables? Oh, no. No, me either. Like almost call an ambulance back. I moved out three weeks ago. No one can enter the apartment until the end of my lease in August.

Okay. I took the smoke detector batteries out. They chirp loud as fuck. You can hear it from the street 50 feet away. And about every 30 seconds. It's timed out, so it's about 15 seconds for each chirp between the two smoke detectors. Okay. Am I an asshole?

Yes, 100%. Has Ron tried calling me about 30 times a day for weeks? Also, yes. Am I going to hell for torment against 60-year-old man? Probably. Love you guys. Dick B. Nutting. If you know, you know.

Nice. Yep, I get it. We did ask for stories about terrible roommates. And Ron is just, oh, drunk, I've been drinking again. Better start dumping on the fork. Everybody likes to hear it. God, I hate people like that.

It's the worst. All right, well, my second email is coming in from our daughter, Sarah. Sarah, yeah. Hey, daddies, I'm writing to you from the past. I am only on episode 60. Like everyone else who writes in, I'm a huge fan of the podcast. Yadalda-da-da-da-l-da-l-l-d-l-d-d. Anyways, one thing I love is your ability to find humor in some of the not-so-happy times in life, such as death.

Ah, yeah, oh, yeah. Illness. Nailed that one. dude, et cetera. You nail it every time. You always manage to find irony in it, which I love. As death and illness is something I have major PTSD about. Oh, yeah. You see, my mom got cancer. And there it is. And died three and a half years ago. On a serious note, I get it. The diagnosis rocked me in ways I can't begin to explain as it was very unexpected.

Due to that, I now have major PTSD and fear about getting sick and dying early. Yeah! Here is a dark... There's an example of making light out of... Here is a dark and deeply ironic story I'd like to share. A story that only twisted minds like yourselves can find the humor in. Okay? I went to see a therapist for this PTSD.

Again, fear of getting ill unexpectedly and then dying. Yeah! My therapist was great. She told me how she could help me. get over this fear. I really felt confident in her. Well, after one appointment, I got a voicemail from her, but how she has a health issue

and can no longer work. I messaged her back, wishing her well. I heard through the grapevine that she actually had late stage cancer. She chose to not go through treatment. She passed away three months later. I'm going to be with you for the long haul. I'm going to get through this. I'm not going anywhere.

I remember how I said I wasn't going to go anywhere? Just kidding, three months. I know this is so tragic and sad, but I cannot help but laugh at my situation. I go to see a therapist about my PTSD, and she passes away from my exact fear that landed me in therapy in the first place. The irony is thick. Oh, man. Anyway, long story short, I did gain some perspective from this experience. If anything, she taught me that what I'm afraid of is out of my control, and we truly don't know how much time we have, and we should live life without this fear.

So even more ironically, she ended up helping me anyway. I don't apologize for the long email, so get over it. Keep up all the good work, fellas. Love your daughter, Sarah. Yeah, that is wild. It's like going to a therapist for like PTSD from an earthquake you live through, and then while in there, an earthquake hits. Well, she's like, listen, the chance of that happening again are very slim.

and the whole tower the Thomas George starts shaking Sarah we love you sorry that you're going through this sorry about your mom but you're right you cannot control that kind of stuff so thanks for being here in comedy helps with everything fear though it's just like I

have that not necessarily with myself but like I do but like with my kids and stuff and family it's just like it's just always there and it's usually after something good happens I'm bringing a immediately goes to what if something bad happens

Where's the bad thing? I can never just sit in the good It's always Oh look how cute my kids look And then it's immediately go Yeah but what if something bad happens Yeah but what if they die? Always it's just an immediate flip

And I don't know how to I don't know how to get over it You sound like a total buzzkill That's okay Need to do some mushrooms Yeah If you have something you want to see on the show You can email that in to hey guys

at can you don't podcast.com. Of course, we're on our way through the honkathon. Head over to Patreon. It's on, baby. Dot com slash can you don't podcast. Rate and review us, wherever you listen to the podcast.

And you go check out what Uncle Zach is doing at scatcast.com. Love to see ya. And thanks to the babysitters. That somehow have managed to keep the Can You Don't Playground operational.

Even though we keep getting the warnings, we keep fending them off somehow. As long as we keep them at warnings. I don't care. How many warnings can you get? Like, how many do you, that you got fend you eyes and he was in jail forever?

Yeah That would be terrible Think about if you got strikes on Facebook You went to fucking prison For real prison For sharing memes All right Let's wrap it up

Zack fuck Good God Wrap it up already All right If the communists have it their way That's what happens That's where we're going Yep

Oh yeah I got a joke for you What is it Why do dogs float in water Why? because they're good boys boys boys

good boys it's a good boy who's a good boy who's a good boy that's good boy that's good boy well I'm gonna think of that for the rest of my life

every time you see a buoy every time I see a dog I'm like good boy or a buoy you're like who's a good boy you're a good boy you're a good boy doing your job

floating around to keep people safe all right off to the bonus content if you support us on Patreon if not go fuck yourself it's like a switch yeah no we'll see you next week all right love you guys bye bye