Can You Don't? | Hockey Stick. Soap Bar. Dinner. Lalalalala.
00:00Hockey stick, soap bar, dinner, la la la la la.Baseball team.AAA affiliate of Seattle Mariners,the future World Series champ.Seattle Mariners.So Spokane Indians, do you have any of their hats?Yeah.Cool.
00:40How are they doing in the standings against the water socks?Aqua socks.I don't really care.Oh.Because I don't root for the Indians.Oh, you root for the rainiers.I don't want the Colorado Rockies to be any better than they already are.They're an affiliate of the Rockies.
00:52They are.But that's not really working out for them.How the Rockies doing?Not good.It's been a bit.By a lot.It's been a bit just the Rockies have done good.Yeah.
01:04Looks like you're suffering some walrus over there.I am.I got a new shirt on.Look at that.It's pretty sweet.Thank you.Yeah, available now.Get to that here in just a second.
01:12I love the little pocket design.Thanks, man.Put it off for the side.Yeah.People, I mean, we've already sold quite a few.Hell yeah.But yeah, episode 164.Yeah, you're welcome for not being able to read.
01:24Turn into another little cash cow for Can You Don't Podcast.Yeah.It's all just a scam.Patreon, that's where we need you.Head on over there.Patreon.com slash candy don't podcast.Thank you to everybody that's helped us just blow up this honkathon.The 400 Patreon subscribers, we've crushed that.
01:44We're well beyond it now.As the time we're recording this, we, if you listen to Patreon or you subscribe on Patreon,you're going to get the episode out on the day that you and I are actually going to be in the tattoo parlor.Inc.Getting some ink done.But we're excited to show you guys what that is.But the tiers continue.Brian's getting his eyes checked at 425.
02:07We're closing in on that one, actually, too.Yeah.450 hot air balloon ride.The worst day of Brian's life.475, Zach gets his own camera, his own camera.And then 500 is that extra Patreon bonus episode every single month.But yeah, we do have some new merch.Go check out the suffered walrus.
02:25We have the shirt.And then we also have a hat.And the hat is embroidered.So head on over to can you don't podcast.com.And on top of all that shit.I love how that was a selling point.Yeah.Now it is embroidered.
02:39Keep in mind, that walrus, it's not just slapped on there.Yeah, it's not, they didn't, you know, back in the day when you could iron on.Yeah.It's not that.It's going to last a bit.Yeah, it's going to be suffering walrus for a long time.It's going to last more than one family reunion.Uh-huh.
02:53Just like those little iron on things.You couldn't even wash those things.That was it.But anyway.So on top of the new merch, on top of the spin giveaway we're doing, the spin the wheelgiveaway, which again, a reminder, you have a chance to win 150 bucks just by buying somemerch off of can you don't podcast.com, sweatshirt, t-shirt, miscellaneous.On my birthday, we'll get to spin the wheel.
03:15You see it in the studio if you're watching the video version.And then whatever it lands on, everybody that bought that particular item will be randomizedand then we'll pick somebody to win 150 bucks.But on top of all of that, between right now.Now, August 4th, until my 40th birthday on August 12th.You're old, dude.20% off the entire store.Hell yeah.
03:38Okay?20% off right there on can you don't podcast.com.So, fucking buy, whatever you buy, we're going to have to just lose money.Yeah.Yeah.Damn close to those profit margins as you try to keep things low.Yeah.But just get some merch out there.
03:56So you have a chance to pick something.something up, save some coin, and have a chance to win that 150 bucks. And I do think it's funny.And we do not do it on purpose. But it feels like every time we do a merch giveaway,we always end up having to record far into the future. And we miss being able to announce whofucking won. We did it around Christmas because of Christmas shit.It's, in our defense, it's usually around some sort of thing that requires it. But we don'tthink about it until we're too late.So in this particular situation,
04:31Brian's heading out doing camping.I'm going to go to Canada.We're recording like three weeks in advance.But we will spin the wheel.We just won't have a time to announce it to like basically the end of August.But we'll announce it on socials,but as far as the recorded podcast goes,then it's just going to be a little behind.
04:47But it does not change the fact that you have a chance to win $150.So head on over there, save 20% between now and my birthday.Do we need to get the code out?Yeah, what is the code?Joe 40.Yeah.Is it all cash?Just all caps, Joe 40.
05:00Oh, yeah.If you can't spell Joe, Joe.And the number 40, no space.Just Joe E 40.Yep.Right there.Right there and check out.Put that code in there and save 20%.
05:10It's only good for a week.What is that, a week?Yeah.It's only good for a week.About a week or so.And it'll disappear into the abyss.Joe will never be 40 again.No.
05:19I'll just be slowly dying.Kind of like that.Kind of like that's the party horn.The party horn.The party horn.droneWe're still in talksTo try and make Zach play at my birthday party
05:36But we'll seeOohThere it isAll rightWell we should get the show rollingAfter that fuckingBarrage of announcementsLike a beef cake of an intro
05:46ZachHey shut upStart the show alreadyAll rightWell youYou found this babyDo you want to start reading it?Yeah
05:59You see what we got hereI like how they spelled BrianYou see thatBrian? BrianRyan SandbergYepYepHats off to you Ryan
06:08Yeah RyanSpokane legendOh he'sRyan SandbergAll riseOh shitFor the golden geeseOh
06:16Oh hellThe Sofa kingZuscoose just camepoked his head inJason ClacerNeil da FinneyMatthew LeonardChris E
06:28said Daniel CollierMaggie Stokesbut I almost said strokesThat would have been hotterGood stuff you guysI didn't know fucking Zeus the gooseHe's gonna be popping his head in hereI guess he was like oh fuck I forgot
06:44We had to do the Golden Goose thingBut again thank you so muchFor everyone to sign up for that tierWe did send out all of the thank you videosThis is a fun to makeYeah we had a lot of fun making thoughSo hopefully you guys lovedDoing that
06:56And again the Golden Goose tieravailable now atPatreon.com. So as Can You Know Podcasts.It's a hundred bucks a month. Get your nameon every episode. Plus, we send you apersonalized thank you to let you know that you're fuckingawesome. Okay, you want to readthis thing? Let's get it rolling. I'm pretty sure if I'm
07:12this was sending from Corey. Okay. He alwayssends in fun stuff. Okay.All right. Hey Joe, Brianand Zach. Hello. I have anotherentry for shut up and start the show already.It's not what you, it's not a would you rather this time.It's a will you press the button one.Okay, so here it goes.
07:28All righty.You're taking care of financially for life and can do what you want within the laws of physics and normal law.You're just set for your life.Okay, so you just have, you just have money.Mm-hmm.You have to worry about money.You're set up.But you still have to worry about jaywalking.
07:45Yeah.Okay.So you're not free to just...You're not above the law.Yeah, you're not above the law.You're just set up.Yeah.Okay.
07:51Got it.Okay.It's just kind of above the law.Yeah.If you know what you're doing with your money.A little bit.But I think it's just like, you don't have an absurd amount.You're not going to be able to buy your way out of things.
08:02You can buy a lawyer.Yeah, you just don't have to really, you don't have to worry about it.You can go out to dinner when you want.Yeah.You can invest to live your life.Go on vacation.You don't get to have a yacht.Yeah.
08:13It's not a crazy.You just, you're set up.You set up.You mean middle class life 30 years ago.Yeah.Okay.Yeah.Exactly.
08:20Pretend you're just retired early with good amount of income.Just say you're making, I mean, just on your own.What's, I mean, what's set up?100,000 a year, 100K, 100K, make it happen.Okay, all right.Everything's paid off, but you're making 100K.You still get to do some vacations.Kids are fine.
08:37Yeah.You got food.Okay.You can still get cancer.Yeah.Well, who couldn't, you know what I mean?All right.But!
08:46Mm.With the passion.But!Ooh, that's a lot of passion.You have to develop one...Jesus.You have to develop a one...One pack a day habit for medical grade weed gummies.
09:00Done.My packs have 15 or so 10 milligram edibles.Sent from the waiting line in Taco Johns or on an android or whatever.P.S. for Zach, remember, communists aren't people.Their property of the state.Fair enough.Good point.Yeah.
09:20Okay.A little slight in there.I mean, talking about weed, I'm going to end up in a fucking waiting line of Taco Johns.Mm-hmm.Like way more than the average person.So,stone than Taco Johns.Is that heaven?
09:34Yeah.It doesn't get much better.That's a good place to be.That's Iowa.Oh, yeah.I love, so like, going, you go throughout your day or whatever,and then everyone's kind of relaxed, going to bed, doing their thing.I'll have an edible and just chill out and have some snacks and giggle and watch a show.
09:51It's one of my favorite things to do, but I'm not sure if I want to,to be have that feeling all the time like that or it's just like you're just like you wake upand you're already just yeah you wake up and instead of taking vitamins you pop a fucking 15or a 10 milligram edible and you got 15 more throughout the day here we go that's one okayfirst of all like average how many hours you're awake a day what 15 does that sound about rightso you wake up and seven and then all the way to seven that's 128, 9, 10.Let's just say like 15 hours or so you're awake.
10:29In that whole time, you're just fucking high.Zach, how do you deal with it?Well, I'm up 19 hours a day, I think.And those last four hours, I'm very high.Yes.Okay.So, just on average, if you took one an hour,that's, you are fucking high.
10:50Well, they, and you get a tolerance level.But, like, you're going to, I mean, how many, years?If I went from me, and I don't do the weed, but I, but I, I mean, I know what it feels like.And being too high on weed, I would choose being too high on almost every other drug than fucking pot.Especially edible pot.It just fucks. It just fucks with you.I'd be too, I'd rather be too high on fucking Molly, cocaine, ecstasy, mushrooms.Oof, acids a close second.
11:19I don't know about mushrooms.Yeah.But, I mean, be too high, but something about weed.It's not just about, like, the hallucinations.It's like you think you're going to fucking die.Yeah.And I don't have that paranoia.I'm going to fucking be the first person to ever overdose thoughts.
11:38Like, I do on, like, on weed.Like, I'm going to break a world record.Yeah.And you can't stop your brain when you're so fucking high.And I think for this scenario.On cocaine, I just dance.There aren't any, uh, there are no loopholes where I don't think you ever really get.let's say used to it
11:57it's just like you have to think about ityou're in that state allthe timebecause edibles take a bitto kick in so in my headI just assume it's like the feelingof high pretty much all the timelike from when you wake up and go to bed
12:13so like do what people live like thatwell just doing just doingeveryday stuff but then havingto do things that are like serious things toolike a parent teacher conferenceyeahI'm fuckingSitting on one of those small chairs
12:27YeahAs fuckTrying to laughThe teacher's likeYeahLittle JoeyYou know he's justHe's acting
12:33He's justHe's been walking aroundHe's been whipping his wienerOutAnd he's likeYou know in classAnd you're likeFucking eating a sleeve of Ritz crackers
12:43Here's likeJust wolfing down a sleeveA clubFucking soda crackersYou're likeYou're likeweird he shouldn't do it it does matter between indica and sativa though too a sativa is like more of acoffee high and indica is more like sit in the couch and play video games and paranoia which one makes
13:04you hungry this the indica i think makes you more hungry nice sativa again it's just get your daygoing and run and clean the house and shit okay i'm gonna pick the energy drug yeah that's what ialways supposed to like lay down and do nothing who gives a fuck if you're financially set for lifeif you don't get off the couch.Yeah.You're going to be like fucking Grandpa Joe from Willie Wonka, dude.I can't walk again.He's just laying in bed all day.
13:31You could have walked this whole time?You dancing, bitch!One of the worst movie villains of all time that anyone talks about.Bedridden to fucking doing a dance number to get into a chocolate factory.It's him and Jenny from Forrest Gump.Those are the two.Gosh, dang, man.yeah so i mean i don't really know i've heard people
13:55like you you can we talk about this last week i think you you like to drink and goactive play some beach volleyball i'm like i don't want to mix the twowhen i'm but like when i take an edible or even smoke i'm not really wanting tolike as soon as that paranoia sits in like i kind of sink into the couchyou still get paranoia yeah or a little weedsi did but you do you guys what much i my brain is what hat what do you worryI worry about my bills and shitWell I just
14:25But not the cops are comingNoNo no noIt's grown ass manShut the fuck upIt's health stuffHello officer I am highYeah
14:31GoodbyeIt's not about getting caughtIt's aboutIt's just likeLife anxietyWhere I think about likeSad things tooLike kids getting older
14:41And then I'm getting olderAnd then I'm getting olderAnd then I die an old manBecause my kids didn't come to visitIt's just likeIt goes real darkBut your kids got too highTo go to your funeral
14:49YeahYeahbut I couldn't driveI uh I'm giggling away watchingyou know Tim and Eric or something like thatand then something will pop into my brainI'll see a picture of the kids or somethingthen I'll just go down this deep dark hole
15:03you're just laughing and brain just likeyou can't be happy forever Brian yeahit kind of feels that way now butwhat are you avoiding yeahthat is what the brain do are your kids happyyou're happy but they're notI wake up in the morning and it'sworn off
15:17and then but in this case it wouldn't beYou start the day and you're already in that state again.How many times out of the you two weed heads that you guys do weeds that you get makes you sad?How many times?We're doing one out of five, one out ten.Well, it wasn't always a thing.I had an edible a couple months ago and my brain went like deep down into a whole thing.The edible just had a frowny face on.
15:50it you're likehow bad gonna beyou're never gonna be happyI think you're supposed to take thiswhen you're feeling sadyou're like shit I should have turned it overyeah turn that frown upside downZach I think as you get older
16:04you just start to think about things like thatbecause you get to be my ageexactly who did I let downwho did I fuck over who's gonna dieand then the drugs are oldhow much harder can I trythe drug brings it really likestarts hammering at home like you can go there
16:20sober, but for whatever reason, fucking THC, it just like, it makes you hyper focus onsadness, on certain things. If you're feeling sad, for me, if you're feeling sad, it hyperfocuses on sad. Yeah, like if you're watching a movie or a Folgers commercial, it'll hit you a littleharder. But if you're watching Tim and Eric and it's fucking Spaghetti's on there, goingSpaghetti! I'm giggling like a son of a bitch, like a little kid.And then, yeah, and then...Like, how many more laughs do I have left?Eventually, I won't be able to do this.
16:57I can't do this anymore.Exactly.And it'll take a quick turn.Well, that sounds terrible.Yeah, sometimes when I get in that state, I'm like, why are you doing this?Just take more.No.No.
17:09That's why I'm saying, it's nice to know I'm going to wake up in the morning and it's going to go away for a little bit.So not picking the financially set for life just because you got to be high all day?Oh, I definitely pick that.I've been training my whole life for it.I've been ready for this button.They wouldn't even be done explaining it.And you'd be like, no.Free weed and money, done.
17:35You just hit it while you're fucking taking a hit.He's like,gong.Anyway, see you later.I'm going to go get sad.Yeah, I don't.I think I'm the opposite of Zach.As much as I like having those, you know, nights every once in a while
17:50where I do that. That's not a state I would want to be in all the time.Yeah. Even if it meant. It's nothing shrooms couldn't get you to. Yeah.Imagine what you'd invest that $100,000 a year in if you're stoned all the time.Probably medical marijuana gummies. Yeah, probably. More gummies. Start your own medical marijuanagummies with happy faces on them. It's fucking corner the market. Guaranteed to make you notthink about sadness. I think the people that are listening and are people who wake, who like,bake and or kind of just smoke throughout the day are probably thinking I'm fucking nutsyeah but medical grade is different than like just taking a rip I guess I haven't been in
18:33the weed game for a bit like I don't really I'm sure it's all pretty powerful these days Ihit a vape pin on occasion it's not I don't I don't smoke even like weed even I never reallyliked because I never smoked even smoking like a bowl the smoke burned my throat I didn'tlike the feeling of it so I would like a vape isso much smoother.He's like the sadness that followed?No, I didn't like that.If I had to...
18:56If I had to dab every day, I think I might question it, because that's a little much.Yeah, dabs didn't exist until after I was out of the weed game.Same.Get out of here.I only had a couple and it made me feel like I pissed my pants.Yeah, get out of here.Dab will do you, brother.Do you dirty?
19:13Dabble do you dirty.Daddy.Dabble do you dirty.So my daddy always said.Now, remember, son, dabble do you dirty.I just don't.I don't care how much money or financially fine I was if I was just like too fucking high.I don't want to be it.
19:27I don't want to be in it.Because I wouldn't be able to enjoy my, I just would be in a fog floating around too high,unmotivated with periodic bouts of depression that would make me wish I was just not high.So fuck it.I'm not doing it.I'm not eating weed every day for $100,000 a year.Part of, Zach and I were talking about it on the ride here where I forget how it came up whereit was something about, oh, it was just the blowjob at night and day and it's like in the
19:57Just a normal drive to podcast recording.I don't remember how it came up, but it was like at some point would you just get bored?Hold on.I'm going to need more details of the blowjob night and day conversation because that's all you said and you're like, I don't know, did you get bored?So what are you guys talking about?Well, it was a video I saw about these two, this couple negotiating sex for certain things.And, and then it turned into, like, think about someone who just has the luxury of, like, have as much sex they want all the time whenever they want.Like, almost to the fact where it's like, you're like, you're like, whoa, I can't handle enough.
20:32And then the other end of it where a guy hasn't had sex in three years.He's like, fuck you.Take it whenever you can get it, you know.Like, it's always the grass type of thing where.Everything in moderation.And so what we were talking about was.part of part of the excitement of doing it is like because it maybe it hasn't happened a while and it's like the excitement of it happening so like the same with being high where if you're the goal is to get high or get drunk or whatever if you're always in that state there's no that there's no goal there's no fun in the the act anymore yeah so like going from sober to that is what is part of the fun i hear what you're saying but no way so you know you don't agree with what i'm saying i mean i thinkwe were in agreement. No. I agree with the
21:16weed thing. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. But not the sex thing.I was using the sex thing asa, as an analogy. As a bad example.So you would have sexthree, four times a day and just be fine with thatfor the rest of your life? It was sex whenever I wanted.No, no, likewhere it's like the other, it's like
21:34overwhelming and you're sometimesjust not even the mood, you're like, oh, I don't know if I'm.So I'm the partner that doesn't want it?Or I'm the one that wants it that much.Well, it's just happening so much. You don't,really have a say in it and you're just kind of like I just don't really want totonight okay you know you're just grabbing grape when you've come so many times itstarts to hurt you're like those are the days start thinking that's I don't want to get
21:58all sweaty again just the trauma like picturing your nut sack is a factoryand there's like little workers in there we need more resources how in the fuckhe's like shoveling sick just shoveling sperm and someone's got waterlike someone's trying to just pull any sort of hydration out of your body.Steam and...Somebody eats some fucking oysters in this bitch.I told you me it should have gone geothermal.Relying on just old stuff.
22:28It's not working anymore.Get a full funnel energy drinking here.Come, come, come, come.No fear, brother.Just like pulling a little horn.Yeah, the fog.Going up and down.Little stairs in your nut sack.
22:44Okay.I think we got enough, ready?And you're just like, it's like,the manager's like, that's it!That's not going to cut it.Everybody's fire!You're all fired, get some new fucking coming here.You know, going back to Willy Wonka,
22:57it's kind of like when they make the everlasting gobstopper.It's like,and all of a sudden this little thing comes out.It's just this one little thing.And it's like,And you're like, yeah.It still felt the same.It's all he feels, then.
23:24Oh my God, he's touching it again.Fire up the gum, stopper!Some guy has to get on the bike again.Just the sweaty hoop-a-lupa?His quads are huge.He's got the clip-ins.He never leaves the bike.Oh, yeah.
23:44He wears the clipping shoes all around.They're like cleats.He's looking at the calendar.He goes, okay, busy, busy, busy.Oh, shit.Saturday's open.Fucking, gets the clippins on.The Peloton cum maker.
23:57Just like, God damn it.Honey, I got to work late.He's not going to be home for dinner.Home for dinner.Hoolapal is telling his wife.You're not going to be home for dinner tonight.What do you get when he's always.wants to come. I'm on
24:16the bike. Having not somuch fun.But anyway, using that analogyfor the same asthe weeds and stuff, where you want tobe sober, so there's stillfun in the act of the thing.Okay. Got it.
24:34So, yeah. I'm going to say no. Yeah, no, I'm not going tobe high all the time just for some money. I'm going tojust pick other drugs that aren't weed.We fucking know what I mean.Ah, yeah.I can work my ass off on some fuckingBlow!Anyway, Zach, you're high?
24:50Yeah, I'm high.All right, moving off, Zach, push the button.Let it!Hey.Hey, what's up, babe?What are you thinking about?You know, nothing.Actually, you know what?
25:00I'm thinking about a lot of shit.What are you thinking about?What are you thinking about?What position did you play?I'll tell you what I'm...First!I'll tell you guys what I'm thinking about.God damn it
25:15LikeSorryYou want me to hold it inCan you burp without doing thatDo you know how to do itI turned awayLike when you do thisYou go
25:28Like you just let it outNot like thatI'm not gonna do thatLike some kind of pussyI'm not gonna do like there's a microphoneIn front of my faceYou never apologizeI'm not apologize
25:42I'm not apologizingAnd never surrenderthis has been bothering me for pretty much my whole adult lifeI have a hard time believinghere watch this I have to burp too readyI did itthat's so fucking cool dudeyou're like sick trick
25:57you're like the guy that drives down the street with a really loud carno that was youthat was the exact oppositeI'm the one that doesn't push itbecause I don't want to be annoyingyou're the one that just guns it in the school zoneI'll careNo about my problem
26:16BuhPffin that on meGet out of hereThat was your faultYeahSo this has been botheringI have a hard time believingI have never talked about this
26:32But if I have I'm sorryBut it just happened againI want to say this was last weekand we went out to a restaurantbefore we went to like a party.So it was like a little pre-funkand we were having like a lunch thingbefore we went to like a pool party for a birthday
26:50and we're sitting thereand I mean it's a fine restaurantit's just your typical sports barwhich also plays into what makes me so fucking madis because like it's one of those thatof course like their headeris that we have 600 million televisions.Right, so that's a big part of their whole promotion.
27:10Come watch the fights.Come watch the fights.Which one?All of them.All of them.And you're like,okay, Jesus Christ.Come watch, we got the game on.
27:21Which one?Fuck in all the games!The ones with the touching and the running and the jumping.And ones you don't like.And things you didn't even know are happening.And soccer.Yeah.We got soccer in jump and touch and women's touch and boys touch.
27:37Mm.What?I'm in.Women touching boys?It's just Epstein's Bar and Grill.Mm-hmm. All right.Too soon?No one.
27:46All right.He's dead.Okay.So, um, we're out and we're at a sports bar and just kind of enjoying Neil.There's the, obviously, the television, the games are on.All of them.All of them.Every single fucking game.
28:00You guys have the, hey, you guys have like the Cleveland.Of course we do.Can you change it?I'm a little busy.can you put that one over hereI guessI always say asking them to do thatand they're like
28:14they stand there with that trayof like six monthsand they're all this bigyou're likeoh it's perfectshitthe sun hitting it can you move it to this onethat one is a glare
28:30meanwhilethe tables over there likewhen are we going to get our foodwhat are you got to put our game onIt's probably on!Anyway, so on top of the vibe and the games, they also have music playing.And I'm in the middle of, I think I got like the Fisherman Special or something like that day.Eight TVs with different shows on and music playing.
28:50Yes.I mean, it's a fucking sports bar, baby.It's just a...Grace your brain.Stay tuned for fucking Sports Center.And I'm, you know, got the Fisherman special.So I'm eating like, you know, whatever.Some Alaskan.
29:06cod got some shrimp clamp shoutter it's too hot for it but it came with it uh so i'm sitting thereand i forget what songs on i want to say it was like country maybe maybe some rock and then it justfucking like in the middle of eight million televisions in a great environment the misters are rippingeveryone's laughing it just starts playing fucking ads like it's not a commercial i'm not watchingthe show it's just like it's like pandora ad ever help yeah it's like you need therapy go to betterHelp.com.Hymns.And it's just like, you have, you can, the one drink I bought is going to cover your whole
29:44month of your subscription to Pandora.Like, what are you fucking doing?Like the cheapest beer, even at Happy Hour, is going to cover your Spotify.Like, you're all good.Just fucking do it.One guy with one drink is going to cover that.It happens everywhere.And it's, obviously, I get more annoyed by it when it's,
30:05It's like a full, like, fledged sports bar.Like, you're, you're the, you're pretending that you're the entertainment capital of the world.Like, you're here, you're in fucking Liberty Lake or Spokane, Washington, pretending to be Vegas.And you can't go.Little Vegas.You can't spend a little five bucks.Get those fucking ads out of here.And they're so annoying.
30:27And it's like, OZempic.Mm-hmm.Oh, oh, OZepic.Auto parts.Woo!Osepic just steals O'Reilly's fucking thingWell, they stole oneThat's what it is, isn't it?
30:40What?OZepic is like the fat loss.Yeah, but it's, they'reOh, oh, oh, Zampic, you know.It's, they stole that.Oh, yeah.Anyway, so there's that.But these ads are just like, and they play
30:57and they rip off, I don't know,it's like three or four in a row.So it's like two minutes of just fucking ads.I think it's comes backand it's like, it's just likeOhLiving on a prayerBo bo bo bo bad a day
31:11GoonOh, oh, ohZampicIt's like rattling off fucking side effectsOh oh oh ohIt's likeOh oh ohAnd everyone's just like
31:27Holding their chicken sandwichLike what the fuck is going onIt's likeNew season of Game of Throneson HBO MaxAnd it's just likeDa-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.And you're just like, dude, it's five bucks!
31:48And it's just so annoying.I don't know why, box the shit out of me.But sports bars in particular, any restaurant that has music playingwhere they just don't even bother to cover the subscription cost.And I know just the one item of.thing I bought you're all set for a monthgo fuck yourself I wonder if they chargethe bars an ass load more
32:09if it's like 500 bucks you probably gotta getcertain license like multiplelicenses or something and all that shit yeahwell then how dohmm sothere's other bars that are pulling it offyes they are so what the fuck are you doing because I rememberI thought somebody was saying or buddy
32:27owned a bar one time and then you just have to paylike a like a royalties licensingfee if they play musicinside, like, a concert venue, then the, it has to be documented to pay out royalties.Or even if the band covers the song, yeah.You have to pay it, but nobody does.Yeah, no one's doing it.Good luck.
32:45I know I play a Painted Black by Rolling Stones.That's like the band that will sue you.I do it every show.Uh-huh.Exactly.They just show up to the RRRV, like weekend sale.Hey, we're looking for those fucking tall-ass goons motherfucker was playing.Keith wants a N'OVee.
33:01Yeah.He walks up, he was, oh, right, where's that gangly bastard singing a sooms?Oh, they were hot dogs.He's just here to collect 0.01 cent.Yes.You just get like some scissors you bought off an infomercial to chop up a penny.You're like, here you go.He was like, thank you.
33:20When we were promoting heavy, we actually had that problem where ASCAP, BMI,we're going to the bars looking for people and then it went away.Yeah, because that doesn't work.No, I sure doesn't.You're not going to good luck.Ask Cap sounds like an insult.This fucking ass cap.These fucking ass cap, dude.
33:35I say we'd bring it back.Who invited this ass cap?Yeah, exactly.Anyway.So,I think you're on to something there, though.Yeah.What?
33:45No.No.Other restaurants.What is the shit little restaurant down the coffee shop gets to play music and theydon't have to fucking play ass?Just because they gave a shit.Yeah, that's what I'm saying.You're on something.
33:55Yeah, the sports bars just don't give a shit.No, they don't.Yeah, they're like, I don't know.Whatever.You're here.You're here.What do we care?Yeah.
34:02Oh, guess what?I'm not coming back more than five or six more times.If I come back five or six more times and they don't have...They don't have your fucking ad situation figured out.Anyway.What if you drop down like a $10 bill and said,this is for the ad, no more ads?I'm coming back next week.
34:18I don't want to hear ads.If I have one more fucking better help ad,when I'm eating fish and chips and I hear one more of Zempik ad.I don't want to hear about my boner problems when I'm eating fish.Yeah.It's just eating.problem when you're gobbling down a doublebacon. You're trying to take
34:36out some lady, trying to impress herand all of a sudden you've got to hear about yourfucking limp dick. Really set themood for later on. Yeah. Do you use himsonny? Yeah, the anxietythat you'd have. Do you use hers, bitch?You?You big dumb bitch? You big dumb
34:52bitch. Goes both ways.Just like this dick.What? He's like, what? He looks pretty cute. She's like, oh,you're by and you're like, what's not what I mean?It's complicated.Speaking of dix.Nice.Fuck yeah,
35:04dude.Nice transition.Zach fucking plug it.Is it dumb?Is it interesting?Is it cool?Then it's dick.Dick, dick.
35:17All right.What do we got?Another naked man doing something.Oh, classic.On the Florida we go.I don't know what it is.It's just like dudes get naked and cause havoc.Yep.
35:31Doesn't it have to be Florida.Yeah, I think so.Well, we're going to find out.Let's find out.Naked Man accused of trying to burn San Carlos Park Gym hides in tanning bed.Not a good escape.It's not an escape pod.No.
35:44No, it's not going to shoot out the back of the spaceship.He's like, all right, go!Yeah, wait.No, that's happening.It's just going, it air's blowing.Neen, yeah.Get ready for full tan mode.Yeah, full tan mode.
36:00That doesn't sound like rocket launch.the Lee County Sheriff's Office has arrested a manaccused of attempting to burn down Planet Fitness located in San Carlos ParkOkayI don't know where San Carlos isSounds like CaliforniaDeputies responded to the gym located in southTo Mammy to Tamiaami
36:22Mammy anita on Saturday after reports of a naked man running through the gymCrawling into the ceiling and attempting to start a fire in thebathroom.What a fucking ramping.What a day.Ho-hoo!I've never been outside before.This is great.
36:41And you're just a gym managerto Planet Fitness?And you're just watching this guy like,hoo-ah-hoo!Like scaling up a fuckingsquat machine and jumping into the ceiling.Be right back.You're just like,
36:57I'm just swinging dalling everywhere.Just folding towels.And you're like, oh, no.Just got startedOh GodIt's gonna be a long nightOh you crack your neckGo grab a taser
37:09It'sIt's funny becauseI mean thisWhatI don't knowI justJims are funny in generalBecause the
37:22The dynamic of people in thereAnd I meanII picture a couple different thingsLike it's just earlyAnd the guy's in thereBy himselfAnd the guys
37:30You knowFold in his towelsOr versus likethere's like a crowd full of peopleand this dude is like crawlingon the weights where people areyou know doing their thingexcuse me
37:40guysguys fucking the 35 pound dumbbell you needto usehe's likehe's scaling the wallhe pops down takes the ones you wantand disappears into the ceilingthe last thing you see is like
37:54fucking dimly litlike salad bowlhis dick and ballspush through his legsjust runs off with the shit you needAnd you're like, God,fucking planet fitness.I just feel like it's like a little leprechaun.
38:09That's what I want to picture.He's poking his head for the tiles.I love the idea that he's making those noise, everything.Shaking your little protein shake from the ceiling wrappers.Upside down.Boing, and he disappears.Green clover's in yellow moves.You just hear like the echo through the phone.
38:32fucking rafters?They're like, where the fuck did he go?And you open the fucking locker room and he's setting shit on fire?Clived on the lockers and disappears again?We can't pin the SWAT team.He can't pin the sky down.He knows it's like a secret.The tunnels and everything the shit.
38:57He's got a whole, he's got a whole fucking infrastructure up there to fuck around.And ironically, he's getting a great workout.He is.And not paying for it.Not paying for shit.Oh, that's funny.Yeah.Okay.
39:12According to the sheriff's office, Henry Antunez Alvarado 25 was asked to leave the gym at closing.Oh, okay, so it was closing.Yeah.He then began to act erratically.Worst time for that worker.Mm-hmm.Just like, God, another shitty day at Planet Fitness.He's like trying to shoe him out the door.
39:32he's like he's trying to get him out the door all right we got to hey he's just likehey we're closing up got a wrap on the treadmill he just fucking snaps around and starts rippinghis clothes off and you're like fuck god damn it's almost out of hair just want to go homeeat my gummies and be sad I want to think about letting my family down my kids dyingme dying and I'm chasinga fucking naked manWeeWeeelip
40:05FuckThe sound effectsWe're killingWe're closingWhat?No we said we're closing soonAre they laYou're like
40:27No fucking wordHe's just likeBlank, bang, bang, bang, bang,like.Jump from a fucking treadmillto a bench pressto a squatand through the ceiling tiles.
40:40Fuck.All right.Back to it.Back to you.I'm broken now.Surveillance footageshows him sprinting through the buildingunclothed,
40:53entering multiple rooms.Go to the camera.Just licks it.man sticks his butt he's bounceshis dick on it he's like bingdisappears into the ceiling with all the towelshe just foldedhe's just teabagging shit all over the
41:13placehe's like where the fuck is hehe's like hear the water fountain goingand he's likesucking on it he's goespewon the ceilingthe hole is all over the ceiling
41:26tiles all over the groundSplashing water all over the drinking fountainOh godOkayRunning through the building on clothesEntering multiple roomsAvarado was then seen in the newsLying down on a hydro massage bed
41:44Hell yeahAt one pointAntunez Alvarado climbed onto the ceilingknocking down several tiles through the buildingDeputies located him naked inside a tanning bedWhere's place to hideHe was arrested and charged with indecent exposure, arson, criminal mischief, and providing false identification to law enforcement.Sir, what's your name?
42:08That's another one.And what's your last name?So your first name, alera, last name, and he's like, well, that's not a real name.The author's typing in his computer.he's likewell book himwhat's your middle initialso you're
42:36he's like just add it to thefucking list providing false informationI'm picturing him in like a lineupwith peoplethat's the guy officerwhich guythe guy that goesbleu
42:57go I don't wantYou want me to do what?He got picking outIt's fucking himHe's nakedHe says we have to just go through the whole thingAnd he's talking to all these peopleAnd he's talking to all these people
43:07They're likeBerdietelThat's not itIt's himWe'll get thereAll right number five you doHe's likeThat's him
43:16That's the guyHe just bounced out of the line upThrough the ceiling tilesWoo-hooWooRunning down the street nakedOh GodAnyway
43:26He was also convicted in 20203 for attempted burglary, trespassing, loitering, and prowling.You don't say.Wow.This dude.This guy is just like, you know, like everything was fine to the gym clothes.Yeah.And he snapped back into it.Yeah.
43:44He's like, how about fuck this.Yep.He turned into like chupacabra.Yeah.Just bouncing around.There's a Hispanic reference for the...Oh, do we have a picture of this guy?I don't know.
43:56no no oh well no just the back end of a sheriff's came back end of a sheriff going into a tanning bedyeah he's like dude i'm going to i'm not gonna see the light a day for a long time i betterget to a fucking tanning bed all the light oh man it guys yeah pretty ridiculous well there's lightin the yard yeah one hour a day if he's allowed to get out there um all right let's move offto our next story. Zach, you're right. We are going toFlorida. Yeah, I'll see Florida man.Yep, so we got a Florida man. He's arrested forDUI on a lawnmower
44:33along a toll road.I mean, we've allheard these stories. He hasn't done that. Yeah.So we're going to Brooksville,Florida.A man facing charges after troopers sayhe took his riding lawnmower onto a busytoll road while impaired.
44:50Big surprise. Is there evera story that says sober mantook lawnmower ontoRote. Sober sane man. Sober sane, no prior russ, man, accidentally took riding lawnmouronto Toll Road. Took a wrong turn. No, you don't hear that one. Never once. Nope. So according tothe Florida Highway Patrol, dispatchers received calls for multiple witnesses around 8.30 a.m.Just getting the day started, dude.Friday reporting a man operating a lawnmower erratically on a southbound side of the Suncoast
45:23Parkway. Troopers say traffic cameras.showed the lawnmower going south from Citrus County to Hernando County,and the rider was pulled over just south of the exit U.S. 98.I'm not familiar with this part of the country.No, but it's very specific.But if it's in Florida, I'm not surprised at any of this.Florida Highway Patrol says, Christopher Spain, 38, showed several signs of impairment,including small pupils, flush skin, dry mouth,
45:52and visible irritation to the inside of the nose.I think the other sign of impairmentwould be driving a fucking lawnmoweron a highwayDo you guys think that would be number one?Could beAnd he's like, nope, not going to rule it outHe goes, sir, do you have dry mouth?
46:08Yeah, all right, drookIt's like, no, I'm riding a fucking lawnmowerErratically.Eradically on the highway.Not a sober move.Spain also had a small blue strawin his back pocket.I wonder what that's for.
46:23It's not for Kool-Aid.Sounds a little meffy, according to troopers, and repeatedly cleared his throat, sniffed, and spit during the traffic stop.Yeah, he's hot.Over and over again.Troopers say Spain refused to perform field sobriety exercises.No way.Sir, can you touch your nose for me?Refused to do the field sobriety exercises.
46:51That's always funny when they call it exercises.Yeah.and he was arrested on a charge of driving under the influence.Jail record show or jail record show Spain was released Friday afternoon on $500 bond.So someone cared about him.I mean,you get to do all this and just get out on $500.That's what's pretty wild.
47:09He's being high as fuck driving a log more down the highway?Can you come up with $500?Sounds like a fun birthday gift.Yeah.I mean, does he look like the guy that would be sniffing or doing a little meth?What do you guys think?Yep.Yep.
47:23I mean, yeah.I'm not seeing enough of his teeth, but he doesn't, he does have beautiful eyes.He does.He does have nice blue eyes.And a nice little set of hair for a man.His ears are a little low.And out.Yeah, yeah, that's meth.
47:36That's a little meth-y.He looks like a bat.He does look like a bat.Holy cow.Yeah.So there's that.A little vampirey.A little vampiry.
47:45Anyway, oh, Christopher, Spain.That's, Spain.Yeah.But he was closed.Yeah, he had clothes on.That's probably why it was only $500.Yeah.No indecent exposure.
47:57I mean, maybe no prior arrest.Maybe not.Maybe not.But this guy looks like he's been arrested for something.I don't want to generalize and judge anybody, but...I mean, he wasn't hurting anybody.Could have, though.Well, himself.
48:14He's not going to run somebody over it.Did he have the blade on?I don't know.You tell me.That's not his first mug shot, I don't think.No, that one's just an old one.Yeah, he looks different now, probably.Yep.
48:26This is before he started his lawnmow and spree.His lawnmower in business?Those lawnmowers are pretty nice, though.Yeah, I mean, he was able to, unless he stole it.Oh, yeah.That's a nice looking mower.Let's see what that.Take a peek here.
48:39What's that?A bad boy?Oh, that, yeah.What is that?You take that on the freeway.Oh.Whoa.That's far.
48:47A bravely.Gravely.Never heard of it.Nice.But yeah, that's either he has his own, like, landscape.business or he stole that fucking thing.Trying to get to the next methpot. I'm gonna guess the latter.
48:58Yeah. All right, should we jump off to ourour petty beef? Shit, yeah, dude.Zach, will you fucking please?You are now entering the Petty Beefcourtroom, where all sides ofsome bullshit will be heard and evaluated.The people are real.The cases are real. The rulings are
49:15final-ish. This isPetty Beef.I fucked up.Just like old man's shit, dude.dude at that same birthday party I was just talking about where we got the went out to eat beforegoing to the pool party I get I all I did was just me and some other men like my age and wejust decided to do cannonballs into the pool at the same time off a ledge my back is just fuckingkilling me what it's because I didn't do a back flip in I did a fucking cannonball
49:46you start realizing because your brain doesn't feel like a 40 year old man because rememberI mean, you still feel like you're 25 and you go out and do something.You're like, God, damn, what the hell?A cannonball?I don't realize I was.Like, I can't just tuck my legs in.I just went for a run yesterday and woke up, got out of bed today, and it felt like I couldn't walk.My feet hurt so bad.
50:09I just went for like a little mile run.I hurt myself shooting a free throw the other day.God.Fucked up.We are pathetic.Yeah.I got a few years on you guys, so you can watch me fall apart and see the future of you.carry you. Thank you.
50:24Honkathon willlike buy you a walker. I need it.All right. Brad,you want to read this baby? Yes. You get the 600 patrons.Zaggits a walker. Thank you.Appreciate it.What? This is from our frustrated son, Nick.Okay.
50:38Hello, father daddies.Hello.You help me out. What?Mm-hmm.Who, what?You help me.What?What?
50:47What?No.No.That was our words.You want to try again?Let me try it again.Okay.You helped to put me in my place some time ago with a beef I had over traveling through time to steal and sell a mint-conditioned samurai sword.
51:03Did I remember that?Yeah.Now he's back for more?He's back for more.Okay.Aren't they called a katana?Come on.A katana, yeah.
51:12I'm hoping you can do it again with a new argument I've been for the last couple of years.Two year-long arguments.This email, I can tell.Totally relate to what he's about to say, because I've done this before.I don't even care if I'm right or not.I'm just tired of arguing for hours on and every time it comes up, I need a judgment.Okay.This is going to be a long explanation, full of trivial details that are stupid, but I think are important.
51:39Okay.I play hockey on a team with some of my best friends.It all started with one of them.When one of them said that he'd be able to snap a hockey stick in half over his knee.Okay.This is where the beef began.Okay.Two of us called bullshit.
51:55We offered to pitch together to buy him a new stick if you could do it.I mean, how much in hockey sticks?Nothing in hockey sticks is cheap.Well, yeah, I mean, if you're getting a nice stick, it's going to be expensive.Was it less than, like, a baseball bat?I think it's more.A hockey stick is more than a nice, like, bat.Maybe not like the super nice bats.
52:14Like aluminum nice bat that you'd have to buy for your kid.It's like 300 bucks.Well, these are wood, so they're not going to be expensive as an aluminum.bat. Okay. I don't knowback to you.It has developed into an argumentover physics and it has to end, it hasno end in sight. Jesus fucking Christ.
52:31Hang on there, Brian. Have youzoomed in? That's a lot of words. It's fullyzoomed in as far as I can go.To try to make this whole situation clearand concise, here is my thesis.It will be harder for him to break the stickover his knee on ice than it would be forhim to do it on concrete. Here are
52:47some conditions we agree on.The durability of the stick being broken isconstant. If it takes 80 poundsof force to break the stick, it will take 80pounds of force regardless of the surfacethat's being broken on.Okay. In his attempt to break thestick, he will plant one leg on the
53:03surface, ice or concrete,and his other leg will be elevated.So the Bo Jackson, just picture Bo Jacksonbusting a fucking bat over his knee.He did it over his helmet, too, didn't he?All he did was break bats. Yeah.He will pull the stick towards his elevatedknee with his arms, while simultaneously
53:21pushing it againstpushing against the stick with his knee.We assume that he is strong enough to penit...Fuck!Not penetrate.Generate.It's not going to penetrate.We assume that he is strong enough to generate enough force to break the stick.
53:45He's not doing any penetrating.No one is penetrating this...Penetrating anyone.This hockey stick.It sounds like the funny thing that a dad would yellWalking out when the kids are being too muchI'm like, hey, no, it's going to penetrate nothingDon't it's penetrating anybody
54:01But he's yelling at a sleepoverIt's just like some weird thing to sayIt wouldn't be no penetratingNo one's penetrating anythingGo to bed, dadThis is where we get conflictedI keep telling him that while he is on concreteHis planted foot will stay firm
54:16He can generate enough force to break the stickAnd stay balancedbut the second he is on icehis planted foot will lose tractionwhen he goes to break the stickhe won't be able to balance himself well enoughto generate the same force he could do onconcrete. His claim
54:32is that the surface has no impacton how much force he'd be ableto generate. The last timethis came up we argued for five hoursaround a campfire. The sun came upand we ran out of beer before finallybetting $200 and who wascorrect and going to bed. I'm
54:48way behind the show, just got January 20, 25,hopefully to hear I judgment by the time I'm caught up love you all my Ryanoh man so I aside from the will it break I know those those camping argumentswhere you're just like you're just going in circles somebody has a point another personhas the opposite point and you just like you fight like you're gonna like it's it's the biggestlike you're solving world hunger yeah yeah and you just go on you're yelling at each othertill the suns comes up and the campperson
55:22walks over and saysyou guys got to be quietthe camp counseloryeah you gotta be quiethey fucking stop itthe funny thing about thisis that like these conversationsof course this one in particular
55:34is the ones that I'm familiar withwhere it's like a breaking a hockey stickover your knee and it's like if you stand on iceis it hardbut you don't hear like someone being likeI don't know it's not enough plutoniumlike those aren't the late night conversations because everyone's on a different page but it's just so funnyand then like somebody brings it up and you hear someone chime in they're like well and then you hear like a beer open
55:58yeah that's how you know that's how you know you're in a hockey stick over your knee conversation yeahuh-huh yeah there's beer cracks somebody's you hear the sound of someone pissing in a tree and theyturn around and they go but what if he's on ice like that's oh oh we hadn't thought about that yetthat's a hockey stick over the new conversation yeah um i mean i'm not i mean i'm justi mean outside looking in ryan's got he's got a point because surface level does changeuh or surface uh i guess material so ice is fucking slippery and it's not about whether it'sgoing to change the force you're able to apply to your knee but it is going to change you'reperfect enough of how you're able to, how much you're able to throw into breaking the stick.
56:46Yeah.Because you have to more balance.And, but like, you know, 80 pounds of pressure is 80 pounds of pressure regardless of whatsurface you're standing on.But you have to focus your attention to standing there a lot more because your follow-up stepafter you hit, like your body obviously is going to worry about if you're going to slip onthe ice and fall.If you don't give a fuck and you just go for it and you have a solid starting point on
57:10ice, I guess that initial impact will be the exact same, but you might fall.Like, you just, you know, because once that, you know, once that first snap over the kneehappens, if your foot slips, it's already done with, the force has already been transferred,like, transferred to knee stick, and then now your back foot slips, but the force has alreadybeen there.It's like your foot's going to sneak, or, like, sink into the ice.It's just going to go backwards once that, that force has been applied.What if you, I don't know.
57:40what if you're on the ice and you swing your knee up to break it and in that momentum of swingingyour knee up your foot starts to slip right that's what i'm saying yeah so it's then you won'tyou won't the power you'll be able to put into the stick is different based on the surface you'restanding you might not put the 80 pounds of uh force into it because they're right 80 pounds is 80pounds it shouldn't matter but it's the it's the it's kind of it's the uh stability or the balance it'sbeing able to. And we have smart listeners.I think, um, like imagine you're standing on fucking slippery slime from Nickelodeon.Yeah, 80 pounds is 80 pounds. But what you have to stand on is definitely going to change
58:21how much you're able to put into your swing. If you're able to still supply 80 poundsof force, even on the slime, then the stick will break. Then I guess it doesn't matter.But you're going to fucking fall and you're going to be thinking about it. And that's just the wayit is i think you should put this theorem up on the chalkboard behind you for who for you for thewhat are we going to do we need you to figure out the math i mean i can just write it up there but i can'tdo the math got to do the math we're going to need we've got someone smarter than us yeah yeahwe need a physicist yeah that's why we leave it that's why we leave it in the hands of the kidsthat are listening for stuff like this yeah i uh because i i agree if you're if you can do it so
59:04the way that i read the email it sounds like you're just standing there andpushing it into it instead of like the snap like a bow jackson yeah the like the lift the kneeand down against it like the full motion whack because it's if you're like having to just pressnow you're now you're dealing with with balance is a huge problem it's a huge factor yeah but if youcan if you're on the ice and you're doing that way if you can get it quick enough one fast impactthen the foot thing doesn't matter anymore before the ice can take effect but if you're balancingwith one leg up of course ice is going to fucking i'm guessing maybe he didn't put that in thebut maybe they're on skates.
59:38I was going to say,what if they're skating at a speed?See,that changes everything toobeing on skates.Didn't say that,but they are on a hockey team.So maybe what he's saying is
59:48whether you're standing on concreteor you're on ice skate.So now you're not going to slip anymore.Especially if you're moving forward.But if you're moving forwardat a good enough speed,you'll have the balance.But if you're just standing
01:00:01with on your skate on ice,you're going to be very unbalanced.What?No.What if you try to triple axle?You can stand there foreverOn one skateDo you hockey?
01:00:10Are you ever hockeyed?YeahYeah, yeahI've never tried to stay into one spotAnd break a stick over my leg thoughYou're staying on one leg though?But it's like thatIt's like it's the
01:00:18To me the sameIt's the same premiseIf you just sit on aIf you have a bicycleAnd you justLift up your legsYou're gonna fall overUnless you're really good at balancing
01:00:28You need the forward momentumTo keep you uprightSo you need to go a certain speedTo keep you uprightTo have the balanceto me it seems like it's the same principleyou got to be moving forwardI mean one cuts into the ice
01:00:42it probably gives you a little morestability than just standing thereyeah but if it's frozenif your ice is frozen you're standing thereyou're not going to be cutit's not like you're going todig into the ice maybe if you gave it a stompbut still you're still got a balance
01:00:56because you got weightthat you'reyou don't know if you have supportsall the way over your fucking ankleit's like wearing a castNot that hardBicycleThere's no supports on your ankles
01:01:10Tying your bicycle to your legsHe's wrongLet me get a physicist pleaseI don't go stand10 minutes on one foot in fucking ice skatesAny chime in there ZachWe need a math teacherYeah we need somebody to help out
01:01:27I get what he's sayingI'm gonna sayThe agreed upon thing of 80 pounds of force to break itI think if you're swinging your knee upEven if you're on ice skates or on concrete, I don't think it's going to impact it that much if it's like one swift motion trying to break it.If you have to try and stand there in balance, obviously concrete and not being on a skate or being on ice was going to play a factor because ice is fucking slippery.And I don't agree that you could just stand there on an ice skate in balance.Okay.
01:01:55I don't agree that you could.Okay.I can.I'll send you a fucking video.Let me stand on one skate.Do it.How long do you want me to do it?Ten seconds.
01:02:03Ten seconds.Oh, fuck my ass.All right.You ever see, like, when they score a goal and they can stand on one skate and they can bend down and touch the ground and stand back up and be on one skate?Yeah, they're professionals.Okay.Well, no, they go down to one knee.What are you talking about?
01:02:17They score a goal and they go down on one knee and one skate.Or they dip all the way down?Like figure skaters?How the fuck do they stand on one skate or spin on one skate?Because they're moving.That's what I'm saying.They're moving.They don't just, they're not standing still.
01:02:31Okay.That's the difference.Okay.10 seconds.How much do I get?What do you want the bet to be?10 seconds staying on one skate.A dollar for every second.
01:02:41You can see how they argued for five hours at a campsite.That's exactly right.I cannot wait to make $10.Is it Celsius or Fahrenheit?I have to go buy skates, though.And you've got to put all the gear on and everything, probably.What?I mean, you're playing hockey.
01:02:56Where did you put that in?They're playing hockey.Oh, when I get knee pads to break a fucking stick in half?Oh, all right.It's way easierI mean if you'reI would assume it's likeIt's got to be like you're in a game
01:03:07That's what I would thinkThat means I have more socksTo sturdy my whole legTo hold my skate in placeLonger as I stand thereDo you think you could balanceMore longer on an skateThan you could have just on your foot
01:03:18With the one leg up?Not even chanceHow long do you think you can do it with oneI don't knowI've never triedLong timeI don't knowI've never done it
01:03:26525 silly geeseWe'll have this thing happenI feel my leg would get tiredbefore my balance ran outbut where's thatanyway we didn't answer youRyan we need smart peopleso write in
01:03:41hey guysat cany you know podcastdot com want to move outfor some good newscan't wait to fucking take your moneyZahSo you're telling me there's a chanceHooray
01:03:53We aren't doomedYeahOkayThis guy is justfucking adorbsToots.That's what this fella is.So the Instagram account is just save our cat.
01:04:11All lowercase, if you want to check this out.Now, this guy at the time that we're recording us, has 97,300 followers.My name is Carl.Yep.Name is Carl and I save cats.And what this guy does is he just tells dad jokes and then has a link to fuzzy paw slides.or pause lidesPaw slides
01:04:35They sell slidesOkaySo they just tellJokesIn order to raise moneyGod damn itI'm not gonna be able to log inI got it dog
01:04:45All rightYou fire it up for me babyYeah soHere let's do the first one hereOkay what's thisWhat's this little joke hereOhThere we go
01:04:53There we goGonna restart itWhat is happeningI don't knowAgainWhat happenedLast week I couldn't getthe audio.
01:05:03What have you done?All right.You do the sound effects.I'll do the music.Fuck!You would think.I mean, it works.Fine.
01:05:12I listened to it earlier.As soon as I plug this in, it doesn't work.Maybe you should have done a better job of fucking hooking shit up.Maybe.Crazy out worked for three years, though.You know what I mean?Oh, yeah.And all of a sudden, you just stopped working.
01:05:30There he is.Oh noSo it's just disadvantaged catsWhat do you call a rabbit with fleas?BugsbodySo it's some cheapBut it's a little cheap jokeAnd then he shows the kitties that he's saving
01:05:48Oh my goodyBut the ones I love is when he says itAnd he has a little chuckle at the endI got a couple questions for you here tonightWhere do you find a cowwith no legsright where you left itright where you left it
01:06:09here's a fucked up catyeahevening everyoneI hope you all had a nice daywhy did the scarecrowwin an awardbecause he was outstandingin his field
01:06:23here's a fucked up catbut just a fucking sweet old guythat's like it justI mean, he could be a Nazi for all I know, but...But he's saving cats.He's saving cats.So, that's something.So, yeah.
01:06:36Okay.And maybe he's making up for his past...We're not going to make up a whole scenario where this guy is a Nazi and killed a bunch of people.Save our cats.Really?Yeah.God, it's my brain.Just stop.
01:06:50Sometimes I, at home, I just like, start thinking about bad things, like with family, you know, like with the weed.Yeah.And I'll start going there, and I have to go, stop!And I slap myself.and I tell I have to see you got to knock it up right I verbally have to say shut up and stop thinking about it like I have to do I I don't do it in my brain I verbally say it and slap myself anyway that's fun yeah it's so fun do you ever do that when you're reading nope think it would help not to cause the scene anyway if you go to fuzzy paw slides you can get little little slippers and help help him keep his little operation little cat shelter running yeah so he's all he does is on his pageit's like a little eight nine second clipsof just telling a little jokeand then
01:07:35save some kittiessave some kitties he's raised almostlet's see he'sit says 4,10058of 9,000 of ohof 9,000 yeah I thought he was sayingI've raised in between 41 and 9000it's like go questionable
01:07:53dude narrow it down a little bit morethan that who's doing your booksIRS is going to want to know a little closerover the number there.Cooking your books,Fuzzy!All right.Founced up on the internet.
01:08:07Want to share it?Zach, fucking do it.The internet is pretty wild.Depending on your browsing habits,you can either experience something super coolor go to prison.Crazy, right?Let's check it out.
01:08:21Together, as a couple.Hey, look what I found.Yes.That's awesome.Okay, so this is not going to blow anybody's mindsbecause obviously this existsit also exists inor blows anyone minds
01:08:35that this existsbecause there's so many thingsthat exist out thereI just want to get myI just want to get blownyeah I knowand there's probably a wheel for thatbut there's a whole website
01:08:45called wheeldeside.comand I came acrossa wheel that is designedto figure out what's for fucking dinnerbecause how many timesI mean on your ownsureyou just don't know what to pick
01:08:58you're like do I do thisAnd you just can't make up your brain.So you can go to this particular wheel decide.com.And I think one of the top wheels is figuring out what's for dinner.So, but in particular, between you and your partner and trying to figure out what thefuck you should go do and what you should eat, you can come here, click on this.And.All right.
01:09:22We're having Mexican.Hell yeah, brother.Dude.And then just imagine everyone's okay with it.Yeah, but it's, you know, it's not going to be.be like your wife's still going to be like i don't know all right well let's give anotherspin i just don't we had mexican last night okay well how about burgersi'm trying not to eat bread okay last time home we're gonna eat your house i don't want to make
01:09:51anything i want to go out to eat okay amber sorry i got to eat your home again okay one more timeIt just says divorceItalianOkayYeah, I like pastaAll rightBut isn't that funIt's super fun
01:10:12I knowAnd they have so many otherLike you can make your own custom wheelYou can tell thisLet's see hereLet me see what I gotI love the idea that if weLike say you're a
01:10:21You're a couple or friends or whateverGave upYou have to you likeWhatever this picksYou have to do itAnd we all likeWe all agree on this rightYou can't be the guy that's like
01:10:31Yeah, no, reallyIt's like, we all agreeThis is what we're doingIf you're out, you're outBut we're agreeingThis is what we're doingRightIt's perfect
01:10:40Just get it doneYou see what I would getIf I did itOh, do you have the sound on?I do but it's not playingBecause you hooked it up whereEat your homeFuck
01:10:50I mean, you can just fix it, BrianYou have burgers at homeYeahWe have burgers at homeWe always do thatI'm sick of making foodAll right, let's move off and hear from our kitsIt's time to do that
01:11:03Zach, fucking play itHey, look, guysAll right, let's hear what you guys thinkReally? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's coolAll right, Brad Guy, what email do you want to read?I'll do the first one from Corey here. Okay,it's shorterOne of my friends, who is old as fuck
01:11:23Has some of the wildest storiesOkay, he got fired from his job for kicking the shit out of acrane at an exoticbird farm after itpecked in between the eyes.Come here, motherfucker!No, pecks me between my eyes!But me?
01:11:41But me?He was going to be drafted inVietnam, so he instead decidedto elicit in the Navy and wasstationed on a fuel and munitionship. One time about12 guys decided they were going to start amutiny. They beat the shit
01:11:57out of the leader, tied a rope to his leg, andand threw him overboard and drug himthrough the sea for a bit.What?All right.Keel Hall.He said he would go to the shore in the Philippines with $10in his pocket and he could get a whore.
01:12:13All he could eat and all he could drinkcome back with change.All right, grandpa, let's get you to bed.One sailor got a whore that wasin the, that wasthe envy. That was with thethat was with theNVA
01:12:29What's that?I don't knowNaval VietnamVagina AssociationNaval Vagina AssociationNorth Vietnamese ArmyThat sounds rightProbably
01:12:41And she putBlades of some herSome inShe had put blades of some sortIn her lady holeAnd it damn near severedThis guy's dickOh
01:12:53What position did you playOr dickEveryone had a physical when they got back to the ship after being on shore and they got their name on the board if they had SDDs.The chaplain got his name on the board one time.One guy who was ultra-religious always yelled at the sailors after a night of whoring.So they held him down one night and shoved the bar of soap in his ass.Yeah!Not a hotel-sized bar of dove.
01:13:22The big 1970s Duke Cannon size son of a bitch.I added that part.Surgery was required.I'm sure there's more, I'm forgetting.Let me know if you want more.Cheers.Man, anyway, I got a lot more.When I read that the first time, I was like, this feels like,
01:13:44it feels like he's telling us the plot of like an old war movieand passing it off as a store.Yeah.I remember when Charlie Sheen did that in the cartoon.Exactly.but and then I was likeI was trying to think likeno movies sound that sounds familiar
01:14:01this gotta be realhe's like one time he got off the naval shipand he became a starting pitcherfor the Cleveland Indiansand they called him wild thingand he had sex and did drugs and stuffand then another timehe got a big motorcycle
01:14:19and they were like is that it's a chopper babyZed's dead it's just likejust knit you're like these are all classic moviesA scene.There's a sheen in one of all these movies.One time he drove a car that had like crazy stuff in it and it looked like a bat and he wore a big rubber suit, like a, it looked like a bat guy.And he lived in Gotham City.And then another time, he had to put mud all over himself to hide from a monster.
01:14:46You're like, what the fuck you're talking about?And then he blew that monster.Well, that old man and all his friends sounds like they should all be in prison.You guysJust can't do this shitThey could back thenOh manThat was a good
01:15:00Statute limitations brotherFuckingFucking best generationOur second email is coming in from ourChappadofobicChappadovic son ZachHello againDaddy Joe
01:15:12Daddy BrianHeyAnd the only tolerable commonistUncle ZachThat's fairI was listening to your recent podcastTin CansGarbage Man
01:15:21Etiquette nude BeachAnd heard y'alltalking about the guy jumping overboardto save his kid. Well, I wasalmost the proverbial kidin that situation. My family wenton a cruise when I was about 14, andthe cruise ship went out, and the
01:15:36cruise ship we went out on, hadall the newest amenities. One of theoddest ones was an underwater petting zooon the main deck of the sheep.On the sheep, on the sheep.They had the classic starfish,sea cucumbers, etc.But they also had an octopus
01:15:51to pet. A littlebackground, I have serious personal phobia of all things tentacle. I hate all tentacle things.Animals, food, especially porn. It freaks me out, and my parents knew this. How'd they know about the porn?My sweet mother, noting the sign, asked if I'd like to pet the octopus with her, firmly saying, well, it's not in all caps.No. I stay as far away as possible from that area of the underwater petting zoo. She sees me keeping my distance from it, and she starts to tease me.about my fear of octopi.You're a little pussy.You're like a little fucking?
01:16:28Which one is it?Is it number six or number seven?How many arms don't you like?I have two.Am I an octopus?She keeps dipping her hand.Octumum.Keeps dipping her hand into the area of the water and laughing about how she just wants
01:16:43to shake its hand.I'm almost in tears as a teenage boy, no less, begging her to stop.Well, I'm already wound up from this.The octopus decided it didn't like my mom's attempted touching.From my point of view,No touching!I see my mom dipping her hand into the enclosure.Then suddenly stop laughing and scream.
01:17:01Not a fake...Scream like she's actually scared.My mind, filled with nightmares of the octopus crawling out of its tankand escaping to cause mayhem and likely death upon me,decides to dip.I shriek in terror.I want to say Shrek.Donkey!
01:17:20And being near the side of the ship,escape in my decision.decision dashing to the edge i already have one leg over the side of a fucking cruise ship fully prepared to gamble on davy jones mercy my father luckily grabs my shirt he makes me back onto the deck all i can hear is my mother laughingwhat a fun day psychopath mom too who knows what zach fucking tears brought on her with his pussy ass tentacle fearsjust kidding zach love you apparently the octopus squirted my mother's hand with inkstartling her. I have been mocked by my whole family for years about this.I love a good school. Remember when you almost jumped over the fucking edge?You're fucking shit, dude. You're fucking idiot. My mother loves to talk about how her hero's son was
01:18:06I was ready to abandon her to her fate. Hope this email finds y'all well. Love to listen to y'allas I drive around and inspect the landfill where I work. You're at Chapo, dude, Chapo dephobic.Cacapoddyphobic. What? Cacapod. No, I'm going to go chappadofobic. Chappetophobia.Chappado. Chappadoophobia. But this is chappetophobic son, Zach. Yeah. There's no way. Chapp.I'm guessing it's a c sound, but what the fuck doing? Yeah. Cap already.We have to go ahead. I'll look it up because you can't play sound.He don't like tentacles. Because apparently, you just don't want to check and make sure that your computer plays sound before.Oh, remember how I took this out and it played sound perfectly fine?
01:18:50Yeah. Every single time.Yeah. Remember how you just didn't check it and have.haven't for three weeks about before we startrecording the podcast if your computer workschappadipobiasuck itchapidophobia what are you using thoughpronounce dot com
01:19:05I guesschappadipobiachappadipobiachappadipobiachappadipobiachappadipophobiachappadipophobia chappadipoviachappadipophobia
01:19:19I love it you just flew in with so much confidenceIt's just gettingIt's like a hammerAfter that fucking emailsChapidophobiaDifferent voicesIt's just getting chopped downChopodophobia
01:19:32It's like absolutely notcockadoophobiaMost peopleOr many peopleassume it'sCappadofobiaBut they would be wrongIt's chappadoophobia
01:19:44All rightThat is our episodeThanks for tuning inWe'll keep going with the bonus contentSend things inWe are recordingtwo more episodes next week so we need tons of content. Hey guys at can you knowpodcast.com. The hawkathon is on again tattoo fucking man putting it on our skin right now
01:20:05as you're listening if you listen early on Patreon. Where are you putting it? I don't know. Don'ttalk about it. I don't want to talk about it. What position did you play? On your neck?Right on my forehead. Rate and review us wherever you listen to the podcast. Thanks to UncleZach for producing today's show and blowing that fucking horn.Check out what's going on over the SCATCast universe at SCATCast.com.Oster.What's that, ostrich?Bostard week.
01:20:28Oh, gotcha.Remember, that's SCAT with a K, not SCAT with a C.You will be either hard or throwing up if you go there.Thanks to the babysitters.We've got a couple of new moderators in there on the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook.Go check it out.All right, you ready to wrap it up?Fuck, is that?
01:20:46Rip it.Good God.Wrap it up already, huh?So, hey, you got a joke for you.What is it?A bossy man walked into a bar.Okay.And he ordered everyone around.
01:21:04Yeah.That's a good one.That's what a bossy person does.Yeah, orders you around.Kind of like you with chappetophobia.I was kind of pushing my weight around with that one.Kind of knocked back on my ass.Sure, it did.
01:21:19It was like trying to boss everyone around and then your car got.to clint yeah yeah yeah yeah what i mean yeah or you're boss and everybody around andyou get you get caught for sexual harassment at the workplace and get fired oh yeah thrown in jailyeah have you had that happen no all right that's that off to the bonus content we love you guysbye hiYou know,
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