Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Hockey Stick. Soap Bar. Dinner. Lalalalala.

Episode Date: August 6, 2025

Planet Fitness may not be the last place you'd expect to see a naked man running around in the ceiling, but it's probably pretty damn close. Let's talk about that, being high as f-word on weed gummies all the time, a never ending debate about snapping a hockey stick over your knee, some insane war stories, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/-rljSDr4fkUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hockey stick, soap bar, dinner, la la la la la. Baseball team. AAA affiliate of Seattle Mariners, the future World Series champ. Seattle Mariners. So Spokane Indians, do you have any of their hats? Yeah. Cool.

How are they doing in the standings against the water socks? Aqua socks. I don't really care. Oh. Because I don't root for the Indians. Oh, you root for the rainiers. I don't want the Colorado Rockies to be any better than they already are. They're an affiliate of the Rockies.

They are. But that's not really working out for them. How the Rockies doing? Not good. It's been a bit. By a lot. It's been a bit just the Rockies have done good. Yeah.

Looks like you're suffering some walrus over there. I am. I got a new shirt on. Look at that. It's pretty sweet. Thank you. Yeah, available now. Get to that here in just a second.

I love the little pocket design. Thanks, man. Put it off for the side. Yeah. People, I mean, we've already sold quite a few. Hell yeah. But yeah, episode 164. Yeah, you're welcome for not being able to read.

Turn into another little cash cow for Can You Don't Podcast. Yeah. It's all just a scam. Patreon, that's where we need you. Head on over there. Patreon.com slash candy don't podcast. Thank you to everybody that's helped us just blow up this honkathon. The 400 Patreon subscribers, we've crushed that.

We're well beyond it now. As the time we're recording this, we, if you listen to Patreon or you subscribe on Patreon, you're going to get the episode out on the day that you and I are actually going to be in the tattoo parlor. Inc. Getting some ink done. But we're excited to show you guys what that is. But the tiers continue. Brian's getting his eyes checked at 425.

We're closing in on that one, actually, too. Yeah. 450 hot air balloon ride. The worst day of Brian's life. 475, Zach gets his own camera, his own camera. And then 500 is that extra Patreon bonus episode every single month. But yeah, we do have some new merch. Go check out the suffered walrus.

We have the shirt. And then we also have a hat. And the hat is embroidered. So head on over to can you don't podcast.com. And on top of all that shit. I love how that was a selling point. Yeah. Now it is embroidered.

Keep in mind, that walrus, it's not just slapped on there. Yeah, it's not, they didn't, you know, back in the day when you could iron on. Yeah. It's not that. It's going to last a bit. Yeah, it's going to be suffering walrus for a long time. It's going to last more than one family reunion. Uh-huh.

Just like those little iron on things. You couldn't even wash those things. That was it. But anyway. So on top of the new merch, on top of the spin giveaway we're doing, the spin the wheel giveaway, which again, a reminder, you have a chance to win 150 bucks just by buying some merch off of can you don't podcast.com, sweatshirt, t-shirt, miscellaneous. On my birthday, we'll get to spin the wheel.

You see it in the studio if you're watching the video version. And then whatever it lands on, everybody that bought that particular item will be randomized and then we'll pick somebody to win 150 bucks. But on top of all of that, between right now. Now, August 4th, until my 40th birthday on August 12th. You're old, dude. 20% off the entire store. Hell yeah.

Okay? 20% off right there on can you don't podcast.com. So, fucking buy, whatever you buy, we're going to have to just lose money. Yeah. Yeah. Damn close to those profit margins as you try to keep things low. Yeah. But just get some merch out there.

So you have a chance to pick something. something up, save some coin, and have a chance to win that 150 bucks. And I do think it's funny. And we do not do it on purpose. But it feels like every time we do a merch giveaway, we always end up having to record far into the future. And we miss being able to announce who fucking won. We did it around Christmas because of Christmas shit. It's, in our defense, it's usually around some sort of thing that requires it. But we don't think about it until we're too late. So in this particular situation,

Brian's heading out doing camping. I'm going to go to Canada. We're recording like three weeks in advance. But we will spin the wheel. We just won't have a time to announce it to like basically the end of August. But we'll announce it on socials, but as far as the recorded podcast goes, then it's just going to be a little behind.

But it does not change the fact that you have a chance to win $150. So head on over there, save 20% between now and my birthday. Do we need to get the code out? Yeah, what is the code? Joe 40. Yeah. Is it all cash? Just all caps, Joe 40.

Oh, yeah. If you can't spell Joe, Joe. And the number 40, no space. Just Joe E 40. Yep. Right there. Right there and check out. Put that code in there and save 20%.

It's only good for a week. What is that, a week? Yeah. It's only good for a week. About a week or so. And it'll disappear into the abyss. Joe will never be 40 again. No.

I'll just be slowly dying. Kind of like that. Kind of like that's the party horn. The party horn. The party horn. drone We're still in talks To try and make Zach play at my birthday party

But we'll see Ooh There it is All right Well we should get the show rolling After that fucking Barrage of announcements Like a beef cake of an intro

Zach Hey shut up Start the show already All right Well you You found this baby Do you want to start reading it? Yeah

You see what we got here I like how they spelled Brian You see that Brian? Brian Ryan Sandberg Yep Yep Hats off to you Ryan

Yeah Ryan Spokane legend Oh he's Ryan Sandberg All rise Oh shit For the golden geese Oh

Oh hell The Sofa king Zuscoose just came poked his head in Jason Clacer Neil da Finney Matthew Leonard Chris E

said Daniel Collier Maggie Stokes but I almost said strokes That would have been hotter Good stuff you guys I didn't know fucking Zeus the goose He's gonna be popping his head in here I guess he was like oh fuck I forgot

We had to do the Golden Goose thing But again thank you so much For everyone to sign up for that tier We did send out all of the thank you videos This is a fun to make Yeah we had a lot of fun making though So hopefully you guys loved Doing that

And again the Golden Goose tier available now at Patreon.com. So as Can You Know Podcasts. It's a hundred bucks a month. Get your name on every episode. Plus, we send you a personalized thank you to let you know that you're fucking awesome. Okay, you want to read this thing? Let's get it rolling. I'm pretty sure if I'm

this was sending from Corey. Okay. He always sends in fun stuff. Okay. All right. Hey Joe, Brian and Zach. Hello. I have another entry for shut up and start the show already. It's not what you, it's not a would you rather this time. It's a will you press the button one. Okay, so here it goes.

All righty. You're taking care of financially for life and can do what you want within the laws of physics and normal law. You're just set for your life. Okay, so you just have, you just have money. Mm-hmm. You have to worry about money. You're set up. But you still have to worry about jaywalking.

Yeah. Okay. So you're not free to just... You're not above the law. Yeah, you're not above the law. You're just set up. Yeah. Okay.

Got it. Okay. It's just kind of above the law. Yeah. If you know what you're doing with your money. A little bit. But I think it's just like, you don't have an absurd amount. You're not going to be able to buy your way out of things.

You can buy a lawyer. Yeah, you just don't have to really, you don't have to worry about it. You can go out to dinner when you want. Yeah. You can invest to live your life. Go on vacation. You don't get to have a yacht. Yeah.

It's not a crazy. You just, you're set up. You set up. You mean middle class life 30 years ago. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Exactly.

Pretend you're just retired early with good amount of income. Just say you're making, I mean, just on your own. What's, I mean, what's set up? 100,000 a year, 100K, 100K, make it happen. Okay, all right. Everything's paid off, but you're making 100K. You still get to do some vacations. Kids are fine.

Yeah. You got food. Okay. You can still get cancer. Yeah. Well, who couldn't, you know what I mean? All right. But!

Mm. With the passion. But! Ooh, that's a lot of passion. You have to develop one... Jesus. You have to develop a one... One pack a day habit for medical grade weed gummies.

Done. My packs have 15 or so 10 milligram edibles. Sent from the waiting line in Taco Johns or on an android or whatever. P.S. for Zach, remember, communists aren't people. Their property of the state. Fair enough. Good point. Yeah.

Okay. A little slight in there. I mean, talking about weed, I'm going to end up in a fucking waiting line of Taco Johns. Mm-hmm. Like way more than the average person. So, stone than Taco Johns. Is that heaven?

Yeah. It doesn't get much better. That's a good place to be. That's Iowa. Oh, yeah. I love, so like, going, you go throughout your day or whatever, and then everyone's kind of relaxed, going to bed, doing their thing. I'll have an edible and just chill out and have some snacks and giggle and watch a show.

It's one of my favorite things to do, but I'm not sure if I want to, to be have that feeling all the time like that or it's just like you're just like you wake up and you're already just yeah you wake up and instead of taking vitamins you pop a fucking 15 or a 10 milligram edible and you got 15 more throughout the day here we go that's one okay first of all like average how many hours you're awake a day what 15 does that sound about right so you wake up and seven and then all the way to seven that's 12 8, 9, 10. Let's just say like 15 hours or so you're awake.

In that whole time, you're just fucking high. Zach, how do you deal with it? Well, I'm up 19 hours a day, I think. And those last four hours, I'm very high. Yes. Okay. So, just on average, if you took one an hour, that's, you are fucking high.

Well, they, and you get a tolerance level. But, like, you're going to, I mean, how many, years? If I went from me, and I don't do the weed, but I, but I, I mean, I know what it feels like. And being too high on weed, I would choose being too high on almost every other drug than fucking pot. Especially edible pot. It just fucks. It just fucks with you. I'd be too, I'd rather be too high on fucking Molly, cocaine, ecstasy, mushrooms. Oof, acids a close second.

I don't know about mushrooms. Yeah. But, I mean, be too high, but something about weed. It's not just about, like, the hallucinations. It's like you think you're going to fucking die. Yeah. And I don't have that paranoia. I'm going to fucking be the first person to ever overdose thoughts.

Like, I do on, like, on weed. Like, I'm going to break a world record. Yeah. And you can't stop your brain when you're so fucking high. And I think for this scenario. On cocaine, I just dance. There aren't any, uh, there are no loopholes where I don't think you ever really get. let's say used to it

it's just like you have to think about it you're in that state all the time because edibles take a bit to kick in so in my head I just assume it's like the feeling of high pretty much all the time like from when you wake up and go to bed

so like do what people live like that well just doing just doing everyday stuff but then having to do things that are like serious things too like a parent teacher conference yeah I'm fucking Sitting on one of those small chairs

Yeah As fuck Trying to laugh The teacher's like Yeah Little Joey You know he's just He's acting

He's just He's been walking around He's been whipping his wiener Out And he's like You know in class And you're like Fucking eating a sleeve of Ritz crackers

Here's like Just wolfing down a sleeve A club Fucking soda crackers You're like You're like weird he shouldn't do it it does matter between indica and sativa though too a sativa is like more of a coffee high and indica is more like sit in the couch and play video games and paranoia which one makes

you hungry this the indica i think makes you more hungry nice sativa again it's just get your day going and run and clean the house and shit okay i'm gonna pick the energy drug yeah that's what i always supposed to like lay down and do nothing who gives a fuck if you're financially set for life if you don't get off the couch. Yeah. You're going to be like fucking Grandpa Joe from Willie Wonka, dude. I can't walk again. He's just laying in bed all day.

You could have walked this whole time? You dancing, bitch! One of the worst movie villains of all time that anyone talks about. Bedridden to fucking doing a dance number to get into a chocolate factory. It's him and Jenny from Forrest Gump. Those are the two. Gosh, dang, man. yeah so i mean i don't really know i've heard people

like you you can we talk about this last week i think you you like to drink and go active play some beach volleyball i'm like i don't want to mix the two when i'm but like when i take an edible or even smoke i'm not really wanting to like as soon as that paranoia sits in like i kind of sink into the couch you still get paranoia yeah or a little weeds i did but you do you guys what much i my brain is what hat what do you worry I worry about my bills and shit Well I just

But not the cops are coming No No no no It's grown ass man Shut the fuck up It's health stuff Hello officer I am high Yeah

Goodbye It's not about getting caught It's about It's just like Life anxiety Where I think about like Sad things too Like kids getting older

And then I'm getting older And then I'm getting older And then I die an old man Because my kids didn't come to visit It's just like It goes real dark But your kids got too high To go to your funeral

Yeah Yeah but I couldn't drive I uh I'm giggling away watching you know Tim and Eric or something like that and then something will pop into my brain I'll see a picture of the kids or something then I'll just go down this deep dark hole

you're just laughing and brain just like you can't be happy forever Brian yeah it kind of feels that way now but what are you avoiding yeah that is what the brain do are your kids happy you're happy but they're not I wake up in the morning and it's worn off

and then but in this case it wouldn't be You start the day and you're already in that state again. How many times out of the you two weed heads that you guys do weeds that you get makes you sad? How many times? We're doing one out of five, one out ten. Well, it wasn't always a thing. I had an edible a couple months ago and my brain went like deep down into a whole thing. The edible just had a frowny face on.

it you're like how bad gonna be you're never gonna be happy I think you're supposed to take this when you're feeling sad you're like shit I should have turned it over yeah turn that frown upside down Zach I think as you get older

you just start to think about things like that because you get to be my age exactly who did I let down who did I fuck over who's gonna die and then the drugs are old how much harder can I try the drug brings it really like starts hammering at home like you can go there

sober, but for whatever reason, fucking THC, it just like, it makes you hyper focus on sadness, on certain things. If you're feeling sad, for me, if you're feeling sad, it hyper focuses on sad. Yeah, like if you're watching a movie or a Folgers commercial, it'll hit you a little harder. But if you're watching Tim and Eric and it's fucking Spaghetti's on there, going Spaghetti! I'm giggling like a son of a bitch, like a little kid. And then, yeah, and then... Like, how many more laughs do I have left? Eventually, I won't be able to do this.

I can't do this anymore. Exactly. And it'll take a quick turn. Well, that sounds terrible. Yeah, sometimes when I get in that state, I'm like, why are you doing this? Just take more. No. No.

That's why I'm saying, it's nice to know I'm going to wake up in the morning and it's going to go away for a little bit. So not picking the financially set for life just because you got to be high all day? Oh, I definitely pick that. I've been training my whole life for it. I've been ready for this button. They wouldn't even be done explaining it. And you'd be like, no. Free weed and money, done.

You just hit it while you're fucking taking a hit. He's like, gong. Anyway, see you later. I'm going to go get sad. Yeah, I don't. I think I'm the opposite of Zach. As much as I like having those, you know, nights every once in a while

where I do that. That's not a state I would want to be in all the time. Yeah. Even if it meant. It's nothing shrooms couldn't get you to. Yeah. Imagine what you'd invest that $100,000 a year in if you're stoned all the time. Probably medical marijuana gummies. Yeah, probably. More gummies. Start your own medical marijuana gummies with happy faces on them. It's fucking corner the market. Guaranteed to make you not think about sadness. I think the people that are listening and are people who wake, who like, bake and or kind of just smoke throughout the day are probably thinking I'm fucking nuts yeah but medical grade is different than like just taking a rip I guess I haven't been in

the weed game for a bit like I don't really I'm sure it's all pretty powerful these days I hit a vape pin on occasion it's not I don't I don't smoke even like weed even I never really liked because I never smoked even smoking like a bowl the smoke burned my throat I didn't like the feeling of it so I would like a vape is so much smoother. He's like the sadness that followed? No, I didn't like that. If I had to...

If I had to dab every day, I think I might question it, because that's a little much. Yeah, dabs didn't exist until after I was out of the weed game. Same. Get out of here. I only had a couple and it made me feel like I pissed my pants. Yeah, get out of here. Dab will do you, brother. Do you dirty?

Dabble do you dirty. Daddy. Dabble do you dirty. So my daddy always said. Now, remember, son, dabble do you dirty. I just don't. I don't care how much money or financially fine I was if I was just like too fucking high. I don't want to be it.

I don't want to be in it. Because I wouldn't be able to enjoy my, I just would be in a fog floating around too high, unmotivated with periodic bouts of depression that would make me wish I was just not high. So fuck it. I'm not doing it. I'm not eating weed every day for $100,000 a year. Part of, Zach and I were talking about it on the ride here where I forget how it came up where it was something about, oh, it was just the blowjob at night and day and it's like in the

Just a normal drive to podcast recording. I don't remember how it came up, but it was like at some point would you just get bored? Hold on. I'm going to need more details of the blowjob night and day conversation because that's all you said and you're like, I don't know, did you get bored? So what are you guys talking about? Well, it was a video I saw about these two, this couple negotiating sex for certain things. And, and then it turned into, like, think about someone who just has the luxury of, like, have as much sex they want all the time whenever they want. Like, almost to the fact where it's like, you're like, you're like, whoa, I can't handle enough.

And then the other end of it where a guy hasn't had sex in three years. He's like, fuck you. Take it whenever you can get it, you know. Like, it's always the grass type of thing where. Everything in moderation. And so what we were talking about was. part of part of the excitement of doing it is like because it maybe it hasn't happened a while and it's like the excitement of it happening so like the same with being high where if you're the goal is to get high or get drunk or whatever if you're always in that state there's no that there's no goal there's no fun in the the act anymore yeah so like going from sober to that is what is part of the fun i hear what you're saying but no way so you know you don't agree with what i'm saying i mean i think we were in agreement. No. I agree with the

weed thing. Yeah, that's what I'm doing. But not the sex thing. I was using the sex thing as a, as an analogy. As a bad example. So you would have sex three, four times a day and just be fine with that for the rest of your life? It was sex whenever I wanted. No, no, like where it's like the other, it's like

overwhelming and you're sometimes just not even the mood, you're like, oh, I don't know if I'm. So I'm the partner that doesn't want it? Or I'm the one that wants it that much. Well, it's just happening so much. You don't, really have a say in it and you're just kind of like I just don't really want to tonight okay you know you're just grabbing grape when you've come so many times it starts to hurt you're like those are the days start thinking that's I don't want to get

all sweaty again just the trauma like picturing your nut sack is a factory and there's like little workers in there we need more resources how in the fuck he's like shoveling sick just shoveling sperm and someone's got water like someone's trying to just pull any sort of hydration out of your body. Steam and... Somebody eats some fucking oysters in this bitch. I told you me it should have gone geothermal. Relying on just old stuff.

It's not working anymore. Get a full funnel energy drinking here. Come, come, come, come. No fear, brother. Just like pulling a little horn. Yeah, the fog. Going up and down. Little stairs in your nut sack.

Okay. I think we got enough, ready? And you're just like, it's like, the manager's like, that's it! That's not going to cut it. Everybody's fire! You're all fired, get some new fucking coming here. You know, going back to Willy Wonka,

it's kind of like when they make the everlasting gobstopper. It's like, and all of a sudden this little thing comes out. It's just this one little thing. And it's like, And you're like, yeah. It still felt the same. It's all he feels, then.

Oh my God, he's touching it again. Fire up the gum, stopper! Some guy has to get on the bike again. Just the sweaty hoop-a-lupa? His quads are huge. He's got the clip-ins. He never leaves the bike. Oh, yeah.

He wears the clipping shoes all around. They're like cleats. He's looking at the calendar. He goes, okay, busy, busy, busy. Oh, shit. Saturday's open. Fucking, gets the clippins on. The Peloton cum maker.

Just like, God damn it. Honey, I got to work late. He's not going to be home for dinner. Home for dinner. Hoolapal is telling his wife. You're not going to be home for dinner tonight. What do you get when he's always. wants to come. I'm on

the bike. Having not so much fun. But anyway, using that analogy for the same as the weeds and stuff, where you want to be sober, so there's still fun in the act of the thing. Okay. Got it.

So, yeah. I'm going to say no. Yeah, no, I'm not going to be high all the time just for some money. I'm going to just pick other drugs that aren't weed. We fucking know what I mean. Ah, yeah. I can work my ass off on some fucking Blow! Anyway, Zach, you're high?

Yeah, I'm high. All right, moving off, Zach, push the button. Let it! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? What are you thinking about? What position did you play? I'll tell you what I'm... First! I'll tell you guys what I'm thinking about. God damn it

Like Sorry You want me to hold it in Can you burp without doing that Do you know how to do it I turned away Like when you do this You go

Like you just let it out Not like that I'm not gonna do that Like some kind of pussy I'm not gonna do like there's a microphone In front of my face You never apologize I'm not apologize

I'm not apologizing And never surrender this has been bothering me for pretty much my whole adult life I have a hard time believing here watch this I have to burp too ready I did it that's so fucking cool dude you're like sick trick

you're like the guy that drives down the street with a really loud car no that was you that was the exact opposite I'm the one that doesn't push it because I don't want to be annoying you're the one that just guns it in the school zone I'll care No about my problem

Buh Pffin that on me Get out of here That was your fault Yeah So this has been bothering I have a hard time believing I have never talked about this

But if I have I'm sorry But it just happened again I want to say this was last week and we went out to a restaurant before we went to like a party. So it was like a little pre-funk and we were having like a lunch thing before we went to like a pool party for a birthday

and we're sitting there and I mean it's a fine restaurant it's just your typical sports bar which also plays into what makes me so fucking mad is because like it's one of those that of course like their header is that we have 600 million televisions. Right, so that's a big part of their whole promotion.

Come watch the fights. Come watch the fights. Which one? All of them. All of them. And you're like, okay, Jesus Christ. Come watch, we got the game on.

Which one? Fuck in all the games! The ones with the touching and the running and the jumping. And ones you don't like. And things you didn't even know are happening. And soccer. Yeah. We got soccer in jump and touch and women's touch and boys touch.

Mm. What? I'm in. Women touching boys? It's just Epstein's Bar and Grill. Mm-hmm. All right. Too soon? No one.

All right. He's dead. Okay. So, um, we're out and we're at a sports bar and just kind of enjoying Neil. There's the, obviously, the television, the games are on. All of them. All of them. Every single fucking game.

You guys have the, hey, you guys have like the Cleveland. Of course we do. Can you change it? I'm a little busy. can you put that one over here I guess I always say asking them to do that and they're like

they stand there with that tray of like six months and they're all this big you're like oh it's perfect shit the sun hitting it can you move it to this one that one is a glare

meanwhile the tables over there like when are we going to get our food what are you got to put our game on It's probably on! Anyway, so on top of the vibe and the games, they also have music playing. And I'm in the middle of, I think I got like the Fisherman Special or something like that day. Eight TVs with different shows on and music playing.

Yes. I mean, it's a fucking sports bar, baby. It's just a... Grace your brain. Stay tuned for fucking Sports Center. And I'm, you know, got the Fisherman special. So I'm eating like, you know, whatever. Some Alaskan.

cod got some shrimp clamp shoutter it's too hot for it but it came with it uh so i'm sitting there and i forget what songs on i want to say it was like country maybe maybe some rock and then it just fucking like in the middle of eight million televisions in a great environment the misters are ripping everyone's laughing it just starts playing fucking ads like it's not a commercial i'm not watching the show it's just like it's like pandora ad ever help yeah it's like you need therapy go to better Help.com. Hymns. And it's just like, you have, you can, the one drink I bought is going to cover your whole

month of your subscription to Pandora. Like, what are you fucking doing? Like the cheapest beer, even at Happy Hour, is going to cover your Spotify. Like, you're all good. Just fucking do it. One guy with one drink is going to cover that. It happens everywhere. And it's, obviously, I get more annoyed by it when it's,

It's like a full, like, fledged sports bar. Like, you're, you're the, you're pretending that you're the entertainment capital of the world. Like, you're here, you're in fucking Liberty Lake or Spokane, Washington, pretending to be Vegas. And you can't go. Little Vegas. You can't spend a little five bucks. Get those fucking ads out of here. And they're so annoying.

And it's like, OZempic. Mm-hmm. Oh, oh, OZepic. Auto parts. Woo! Osepic just steals O'Reilly's fucking thing Well, they stole one That's what it is, isn't it?

What? OZepic is like the fat loss. Yeah, but it's, they're Oh, oh, oh, Zampic, you know. It's, they stole that. Oh, yeah. Anyway, so there's that. But these ads are just like, and they play

and they rip off, I don't know, it's like three or four in a row. So it's like two minutes of just fucking ads. I think it's comes back and it's like, it's just like Oh Living on a prayer Bo bo bo bo bad a day

Goon Oh, oh, oh Zampic It's like rattling off fucking side effects Oh oh oh oh It's like Oh oh oh And everyone's just like

Holding their chicken sandwich Like what the fuck is going on It's like New season of Game of Thrones on HBO Max And it's just like Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And you're just like, dude, it's five bucks!

And it's just so annoying. I don't know why, box the shit out of me. But sports bars in particular, any restaurant that has music playing where they just don't even bother to cover the subscription cost. And I know just the one item of. thing I bought you're all set for a month go fuck yourself I wonder if they charge the bars an ass load more

if it's like 500 bucks you probably gotta get certain license like multiple licenses or something and all that shit yeah well then how do hmm so there's other bars that are pulling it off yes they are so what the fuck are you doing because I remember I thought somebody was saying or buddy

owned a bar one time and then you just have to pay like a like a royalties licensing fee if they play music inside, like, a concert venue, then the, it has to be documented to pay out royalties. Or even if the band covers the song, yeah. You have to pay it, but nobody does. Yeah, no one's doing it. Good luck.

I know I play a Painted Black by Rolling Stones. That's like the band that will sue you. I do it every show. Uh-huh. Exactly. They just show up to the RRRV, like weekend sale. Hey, we're looking for those fucking tall-ass goons motherfucker was playing. Keith wants a N'OVee.

Yeah. He walks up, he was, oh, right, where's that gangly bastard singing a sooms? Oh, they were hot dogs. He's just here to collect 0.01 cent. Yes. You just get like some scissors you bought off an infomercial to chop up a penny. You're like, here you go. He was like, thank you.

When we were promoting heavy, we actually had that problem where ASCAP, BMI, we're going to the bars looking for people and then it went away. Yeah, because that doesn't work. No, I sure doesn't. You're not going to good luck. Ask Cap sounds like an insult. This fucking ass cap. These fucking ass cap, dude.

I say we'd bring it back. Who invited this ass cap? Yeah, exactly. Anyway. So, I think you're on to something there, though. Yeah. What?

No. No. Other restaurants. What is the shit little restaurant down the coffee shop gets to play music and they don't have to fucking play ass? Just because they gave a shit. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. You're on something.

Yeah, the sports bars just don't give a shit. No, they don't. Yeah, they're like, I don't know. Whatever. You're here. You're here. What do we care? Yeah.

Oh, guess what? I'm not coming back more than five or six more times. If I come back five or six more times and they don't have... They don't have your fucking ad situation figured out. Anyway. What if you drop down like a $10 bill and said, this is for the ad, no more ads? I'm coming back next week.

I don't want to hear ads. If I have one more fucking better help ad, when I'm eating fish and chips and I hear one more of Zempik ad. I don't want to hear about my boner problems when I'm eating fish. Yeah. It's just eating. problem when you're gobbling down a double bacon. You're trying to take

out some lady, trying to impress her and all of a sudden you've got to hear about your fucking limp dick. Really set the mood for later on. Yeah. Do you use him sonny? Yeah, the anxiety that you'd have. Do you use hers, bitch? You? You big dumb bitch? You big dumb

bitch. Goes both ways. Just like this dick. What? He's like, what? He looks pretty cute. She's like, oh, you're by and you're like, what's not what I mean? It's complicated. Speaking of dix. Nice. Fuck yeah,

dude. Nice transition. Zach fucking plug it. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Dick, dick.

All right. What do we got? Another naked man doing something. Oh, classic. On the Florida we go. I don't know what it is. It's just like dudes get naked and cause havoc. Yep.

Doesn't it have to be Florida. Yeah, I think so. Well, we're going to find out. Let's find out. Naked Man accused of trying to burn San Carlos Park Gym hides in tanning bed. Not a good escape. It's not an escape pod. No.

No, it's not going to shoot out the back of the spaceship. He's like, all right, go! Yeah, wait. No, that's happening. It's just going, it air's blowing. Neen, yeah. Get ready for full tan mode. Yeah, full tan mode.

That doesn't sound like rocket launch. the Lee County Sheriff's Office has arrested a man accused of attempting to burn down Planet Fitness located in San Carlos Park Okay I don't know where San Carlos is Sounds like California Deputies responded to the gym located in south To Mammy to Tamiaami

Mammy anita on Saturday after reports of a naked man running through the gym Crawling into the ceiling and attempting to start a fire in the bathroom. What a fucking ramping. What a day. Ho-hoo! I've never been outside before. This is great.

And you're just a gym manager to Planet Fitness? And you're just watching this guy like, hoo-ah-hoo! Like scaling up a fucking squat machine and jumping into the ceiling. Be right back. You're just like,

I'm just swinging dalling everywhere. Just folding towels. And you're like, oh, no. Just got started Oh God It's gonna be a long night Oh you crack your neck Go grab a taser

It's It's funny because I mean this What I don't know I just Jims are funny in general Because the

The dynamic of people in there And I mean I I picture a couple different things Like it's just early And the guy's in there By himself And the guys

You know Fold in his towels Or versus like there's like a crowd full of people and this dude is like crawling on the weights where people are you know doing their thing excuse me

guys guys fucking the 35 pound dumbbell you need to use he's like he's scaling the wall he pops down takes the ones you want and disappears into the ceiling the last thing you see is like

fucking dimly lit like salad bowl his dick and balls push through his legs just runs off with the shit you need And you're like, God, fucking planet fitness. I just feel like it's like a little leprechaun.

That's what I want to picture. He's poking his head for the tiles. I love the idea that he's making those noise, everything. Shaking your little protein shake from the ceiling wrappers. Upside down. Boing, and he disappears. Green clover's in yellow moves. You just hear like the echo through the phone.

fucking rafters? They're like, where the fuck did he go? And you open the fucking locker room and he's setting shit on fire? Clived on the lockers and disappears again? We can't pin the SWAT team. He can't pin the sky down. He knows it's like a secret. The tunnels and everything the shit.

He's got a whole, he's got a whole fucking infrastructure up there to fuck around. And ironically, he's getting a great workout. He is. And not paying for it. Not paying for shit. Oh, that's funny. Yeah. Okay.

According to the sheriff's office, Henry Antunez Alvarado 25 was asked to leave the gym at closing. Oh, okay, so it was closing. Yeah. He then began to act erratically. Worst time for that worker. Mm-hmm. Just like, God, another shitty day at Planet Fitness. He's like trying to shoe him out the door.

he's like he's trying to get him out the door all right we got to hey he's just like hey we're closing up got a wrap on the treadmill he just fucking snaps around and starts ripping his clothes off and you're like fuck god damn it's almost out of hair just want to go home eat my gummies and be sad I want to think about letting my family down my kids dying me dying and I'm chasing a fucking naked man Wee Weeelip

Fuck The sound effects We're killing We're closing What? No we said we're closing soon Are they la You're like

No fucking word He's just like Blank, bang, bang, bang, bang, like. Jump from a fucking treadmill to a bench press to a squat and through the ceiling tiles.

Fuck. All right. Back to it. Back to you. I'm broken now. Surveillance footage shows him sprinting through the building unclothed,

entering multiple rooms. Go to the camera. Just licks it. man sticks his butt he's bounces his dick on it he's like bing disappears into the ceiling with all the towels he just folded he's just teabagging shit all over the

place he's like where the fuck is he he's like hear the water fountain going and he's like sucking on it he's goes pew on the ceiling the hole is all over the ceiling

tiles all over the ground Splashing water all over the drinking fountain Oh god Okay Running through the building on clothes Entering multiple rooms Avarado was then seen in the news Lying down on a hydro massage bed

Hell yeah At one point Antunez Alvarado climbed onto the ceiling knocking down several tiles through the building Deputies located him naked inside a tanning bed Where's place to hide He was arrested and charged with indecent exposure, arson, criminal mischief, and providing false identification to law enforcement. Sir, what's your name?

That's another one. And what's your last name? So your first name, alera, last name, and he's like, well, that's not a real name. The author's typing in his computer. he's like well book him what's your middle initial so you're

he's like just add it to the fucking list providing false information I'm picturing him in like a lineup with people that's the guy officer which guy the guy that goes bleu

go I don't want You want me to do what? He got picking out It's fucking him He's naked He says we have to just go through the whole thing And he's talking to all these people And he's talking to all these people

They're like Berdietel That's not it It's him We'll get there All right number five you do He's like That's him

That's the guy He just bounced out of the line up Through the ceiling tiles Woo-hoo Woo Running down the street naked Oh God Anyway

He was also convicted in 20203 for attempted burglary, trespassing, loitering, and prowling. You don't say. Wow. This dude. This guy is just like, you know, like everything was fine to the gym clothes. Yeah. And he snapped back into it. Yeah.

He's like, how about fuck this. Yep. He turned into like chupacabra. Yeah. Just bouncing around. There's a Hispanic reference for the... Oh, do we have a picture of this guy? I don't know.

no no oh well no just the back end of a sheriff's came back end of a sheriff going into a tanning bed yeah he's like dude i'm going to i'm not gonna see the light a day for a long time i better get to a fucking tanning bed all the light oh man it guys yeah pretty ridiculous well there's light in the yard yeah one hour a day if he's allowed to get out there um all right let's move off to our next story. Zach, you're right. We are going to Florida. Yeah, I'll see Florida man. Yep, so we got a Florida man. He's arrested for DUI on a lawnmower

along a toll road. I mean, we've all heard these stories. He hasn't done that. Yeah. So we're going to Brooksville, Florida. A man facing charges after troopers say he took his riding lawnmower onto a busy toll road while impaired.

Big surprise. Is there ever a story that says sober man took lawnmower onto Rote. Sober sane man. Sober sane, no prior russ, man, accidentally took riding lawnmour onto Toll Road. Took a wrong turn. No, you don't hear that one. Never once. Nope. So according to the Florida Highway Patrol, dispatchers received calls for multiple witnesses around 8.30 a.m. Just getting the day started, dude. Friday reporting a man operating a lawnmower erratically on a southbound side of the Suncoast

Parkway. Troopers say traffic cameras. showed the lawnmower going south from Citrus County to Hernando County, and the rider was pulled over just south of the exit U.S. 98. I'm not familiar with this part of the country. No, but it's very specific. But if it's in Florida, I'm not surprised at any of this. Florida Highway Patrol says, Christopher Spain, 38, showed several signs of impairment, including small pupils, flush skin, dry mouth,

and visible irritation to the inside of the nose. I think the other sign of impairment would be driving a fucking lawnmower on a highway Do you guys think that would be number one? Could be And he's like, nope, not going to rule it out He goes, sir, do you have dry mouth?

Yeah, all right, drook It's like, no, I'm riding a fucking lawnmower Erratically. Eradically on the highway. Not a sober move. Spain also had a small blue straw in his back pocket. I wonder what that's for.

It's not for Kool-Aid. Sounds a little meffy, according to troopers, and repeatedly cleared his throat, sniffed, and spit during the traffic stop. Yeah, he's hot. Over and over again. Troopers say Spain refused to perform field sobriety exercises. No way. Sir, can you touch your nose for me? Refused to do the field sobriety exercises.

That's always funny when they call it exercises. Yeah. and he was arrested on a charge of driving under the influence. Jail record show or jail record show Spain was released Friday afternoon on $500 bond. So someone cared about him. I mean, you get to do all this and just get out on $500. That's what's pretty wild.

He's being high as fuck driving a log more down the highway? Can you come up with $500? Sounds like a fun birthday gift. Yeah. I mean, does he look like the guy that would be sniffing or doing a little meth? What do you guys think? Yep. Yep.

I mean, yeah. I'm not seeing enough of his teeth, but he doesn't, he does have beautiful eyes. He does. He does have nice blue eyes. And a nice little set of hair for a man. His ears are a little low. And out. Yeah, yeah, that's meth.

That's a little meth-y. He looks like a bat. He does look like a bat. Holy cow. Yeah. So there's that. A little vampirey. A little vampiry.

Anyway, oh, Christopher, Spain. That's, Spain. Yeah. But he was closed. Yeah, he had clothes on. That's probably why it was only $500. Yeah. No indecent exposure.

I mean, maybe no prior arrest. Maybe not. Maybe not. But this guy looks like he's been arrested for something. I don't want to generalize and judge anybody, but... I mean, he wasn't hurting anybody. Could have, though. Well, himself.

He's not going to run somebody over it. Did he have the blade on? I don't know. You tell me. That's not his first mug shot, I don't think. No, that one's just an old one. Yeah, he looks different now, probably. Yep.

This is before he started his lawnmow and spree. His lawnmower in business? Those lawnmowers are pretty nice, though. Yeah, I mean, he was able to, unless he stole it. Oh, yeah. That's a nice looking mower. Let's see what that. Take a peek here.

What's that? A bad boy? Oh, that, yeah. What is that? You take that on the freeway. Oh. Whoa. That's far.

A bravely. Gravely. Never heard of it. Nice. But yeah, that's either he has his own, like, landscape. business or he stole that fucking thing. Trying to get to the next meth pot. I'm gonna guess the latter.

Yeah. All right, should we jump off to our our petty beef? Shit, yeah, dude. Zach, will you fucking please? You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are

final-ish. This is Petty Beef. I fucked up. Just like old man's shit, dude. dude at that same birthday party I was just talking about where we got the went out to eat before going to the pool party I get I all I did was just me and some other men like my age and we just decided to do cannonballs into the pool at the same time off a ledge my back is just fucking killing me what it's because I didn't do a back flip in I did a fucking cannonball

you start realizing because your brain doesn't feel like a 40 year old man because remember I mean, you still feel like you're 25 and you go out and do something. You're like, God, damn, what the hell? A cannonball? I don't realize I was. Like, I can't just tuck my legs in. I just went for a run yesterday and woke up, got out of bed today, and it felt like I couldn't walk. My feet hurt so bad.

I just went for like a little mile run. I hurt myself shooting a free throw the other day. God. Fucked up. We are pathetic. Yeah. I got a few years on you guys, so you can watch me fall apart and see the future of you. carry you. Thank you.

Honkathon will like buy you a walker. I need it. All right. Brad, you want to read this baby? Yes. You get the 600 patrons. Zaggits a walker. Thank you. Appreciate it. What? This is from our frustrated son, Nick. Okay.

Hello, father daddies. Hello. You help me out. What? Mm-hmm. Who, what? You help me. What? What?

What? No. No. That was our words. You want to try again? Let me try it again. Okay. You helped to put me in my place some time ago with a beef I had over traveling through time to steal and sell a mint-conditioned samurai sword.

Did I remember that? Yeah. Now he's back for more? He's back for more. Okay. Aren't they called a katana? Come on. A katana, yeah.

I'm hoping you can do it again with a new argument I've been for the last couple of years. Two year-long arguments. This email, I can tell. Totally relate to what he's about to say, because I've done this before. I don't even care if I'm right or not. I'm just tired of arguing for hours on and every time it comes up, I need a judgment. Okay. This is going to be a long explanation, full of trivial details that are stupid, but I think are important.

Okay. I play hockey on a team with some of my best friends. It all started with one of them. When one of them said that he'd be able to snap a hockey stick in half over his knee. Okay. This is where the beef began. Okay. Two of us called bullshit.

We offered to pitch together to buy him a new stick if you could do it. I mean, how much in hockey sticks? Nothing in hockey sticks is cheap. Well, yeah, I mean, if you're getting a nice stick, it's going to be expensive. Was it less than, like, a baseball bat? I think it's more. A hockey stick is more than a nice, like, bat. Maybe not like the super nice bats.

Like aluminum nice bat that you'd have to buy for your kid. It's like 300 bucks. Well, these are wood, so they're not going to be expensive as an aluminum. bat. Okay. I don't know back to you. It has developed into an argument over physics and it has to end, it has no end in sight. Jesus fucking Christ.

Hang on there, Brian. Have you zoomed in? That's a lot of words. It's fully zoomed in as far as I can go. To try to make this whole situation clear and concise, here is my thesis. It will be harder for him to break the stick over his knee on ice than it would be for him to do it on concrete. Here are

some conditions we agree on. The durability of the stick being broken is constant. If it takes 80 pounds of force to break the stick, it will take 80 pounds of force regardless of the surface that's being broken on. Okay. In his attempt to break the stick, he will plant one leg on the

surface, ice or concrete, and his other leg will be elevated. So the Bo Jackson, just picture Bo Jackson busting a fucking bat over his knee. He did it over his helmet, too, didn't he? All he did was break bats. Yeah. He will pull the stick towards his elevated knee with his arms, while simultaneously

pushing it against pushing against the stick with his knee. We assume that he is strong enough to penit... Fuck! Not penetrate. Generate. It's not going to penetrate. We assume that he is strong enough to generate enough force to break the stick.

He's not doing any penetrating. No one is penetrating this... Penetrating anyone. This hockey stick. It sounds like the funny thing that a dad would yell Walking out when the kids are being too much I'm like, hey, no, it's going to penetrate nothing Don't it's penetrating anybody

But he's yelling at a sleepover It's just like some weird thing to say It wouldn't be no penetrating No one's penetrating anything Go to bed, dad This is where we get conflicted I keep telling him that while he is on concrete His planted foot will stay firm

He can generate enough force to break the stick And stay balanced but the second he is on ice his planted foot will lose traction when he goes to break the stick he won't be able to balance himself well enough to generate the same force he could do on concrete. His claim

is that the surface has no impact on how much force he'd be able to generate. The last time this came up we argued for five hours around a campfire. The sun came up and we ran out of beer before finally betting $200 and who was correct and going to bed. I'm

way behind the show, just got January 20, 25, hopefully to hear I judgment by the time I'm caught up love you all my Ryan oh man so I aside from the will it break I know those those camping arguments where you're just like you're just going in circles somebody has a point another person has the opposite point and you just like you fight like you're gonna like it's it's the biggest like you're solving world hunger yeah yeah and you just go on you're yelling at each other till the suns comes up and the camp person

walks over and says you guys got to be quiet the camp counselor yeah you gotta be quiet hey fucking stop it the funny thing about this is that like these conversations of course this one in particular

is the ones that I'm familiar with where it's like a breaking a hockey stick over your knee and it's like if you stand on ice is it hard but you don't hear like someone being like I don't know it's not enough plutonium like those aren't the late night conversations because everyone's on a different page but it's just so funny and then like somebody brings it up and you hear someone chime in they're like well and then you hear like a beer open

yeah that's how you know that's how you know you're in a hockey stick over your knee conversation yeah uh-huh yeah there's beer cracks somebody's you hear the sound of someone pissing in a tree and they turn around and they go but what if he's on ice like that's oh oh we hadn't thought about that yet that's a hockey stick over the new conversation yeah um i mean i'm not i mean i'm just i mean outside looking in ryan's got he's got a point because surface level does change uh or surface uh i guess material so ice is fucking slippery and it's not about whether it's going to change the force you're able to apply to your knee but it is going to change you're perfect enough of how you're able to, how much you're able to throw into breaking the stick.

Yeah. Because you have to more balance. And, but like, you know, 80 pounds of pressure is 80 pounds of pressure regardless of what surface you're standing on. But you have to focus your attention to standing there a lot more because your follow-up step after you hit, like your body obviously is going to worry about if you're going to slip on the ice and fall. If you don't give a fuck and you just go for it and you have a solid starting point on

ice, I guess that initial impact will be the exact same, but you might fall. Like, you just, you know, because once that, you know, once that first snap over the knee happens, if your foot slips, it's already done with, the force has already been transferred, like, transferred to knee stick, and then now your back foot slips, but the force has already been there. It's like your foot's going to sneak, or, like, sink into the ice. It's just going to go backwards once that, that force has been applied. What if you, I don't know.

what if you're on the ice and you swing your knee up to break it and in that momentum of swinging your knee up your foot starts to slip right that's what i'm saying yeah so it's then you won't you won't the power you'll be able to put into the stick is different based on the surface you're standing you might not put the 80 pounds of uh force into it because they're right 80 pounds is 80 pounds it shouldn't matter but it's the it's the it's kind of it's the uh stability or the balance it's being able to. And we have smart listeners. I think, um, like imagine you're standing on fucking slippery slime from Nickelodeon. Yeah, 80 pounds is 80 pounds. But what you have to stand on is definitely going to change

how much you're able to put into your swing. If you're able to still supply 80 pounds of force, even on the slime, then the stick will break. Then I guess it doesn't matter. But you're going to fucking fall and you're going to be thinking about it. And that's just the way it is i think you should put this theorem up on the chalkboard behind you for who for you for the what are we going to do we need you to figure out the math i mean i can just write it up there but i can't do the math got to do the math we're going to need we've got someone smarter than us yeah yeah we need a physicist yeah that's why we leave it that's why we leave it in the hands of the kids that are listening for stuff like this yeah i uh because i i agree if you're if you can do it so

the way that i read the email it sounds like you're just standing there and pushing it into it instead of like the snap like a bow jackson yeah the like the lift the knee and down against it like the full motion whack because it's if you're like having to just press now you're now you're dealing with with balance is a huge problem it's a huge factor yeah but if you can if you're on the ice and you're doing that way if you can get it quick enough one fast impact then the foot thing doesn't matter anymore before the ice can take effect but if you're balancing with one leg up of course ice is going to fucking i'm guessing maybe he didn't put that in the but maybe they're on skates.

I was going to say, what if they're skating at a speed? See, that changes everything too being on skates. Didn't say that, but they are on a hockey team. So maybe what he's saying is

whether you're standing on concrete or you're on ice skate. So now you're not going to slip anymore. Especially if you're moving forward. But if you're moving forward at a good enough speed, you'll have the balance. But if you're just standing

with on your skate on ice, you're going to be very unbalanced. What? No. What if you try to triple axle? You can stand there forever On one skate Do you hockey?

Are you ever hockeyed? Yeah Yeah, yeah I've never tried to stay into one spot And break a stick over my leg though You're staying on one leg though? But it's like that It's like it's the

To me the same It's the same premise If you just sit on a If you have a bicycle And you just Lift up your legs You're gonna fall over Unless you're really good at balancing

You need the forward momentum To keep you upright So you need to go a certain speed To keep you upright To have the balance to me it seems like it's the same principle you got to be moving forward I mean one cuts into the ice

it probably gives you a little more stability than just standing there yeah but if it's frozen if your ice is frozen you're standing there you're not going to be cut it's not like you're going to dig into the ice maybe if you gave it a stomp but still you're still got a balance

because you got weight that you're you don't know if you have supports all the way over your fucking ankle it's like wearing a cast Not that hard Bicycle There's no supports on your ankles

Tying your bicycle to your legs He's wrong Let me get a physicist please I don't go stand 10 minutes on one foot in fucking ice skates Any chime in there Zach We need a math teacher Yeah we need somebody to help out

I get what he's saying I'm gonna say The agreed upon thing of 80 pounds of force to break it I think if you're swinging your knee up Even if you're on ice skates or on concrete, I don't think it's going to impact it that much if it's like one swift motion trying to break it. If you have to try and stand there in balance, obviously concrete and not being on a skate or being on ice was going to play a factor because ice is fucking slippery. And I don't agree that you could just stand there on an ice skate in balance. Okay.

I don't agree that you could. Okay. I can. I'll send you a fucking video. Let me stand on one skate. Do it. How long do you want me to do it? Ten seconds.

Ten seconds. Oh, fuck my ass. All right. You ever see, like, when they score a goal and they can stand on one skate and they can bend down and touch the ground and stand back up and be on one skate? Yeah, they're professionals. Okay. Well, no, they go down to one knee. What are you talking about?

They score a goal and they go down on one knee and one skate. Or they dip all the way down? Like figure skaters? How the fuck do they stand on one skate or spin on one skate? Because they're moving. That's what I'm saying. They're moving. They don't just, they're not standing still.

Okay. That's the difference. Okay. 10 seconds. How much do I get? What do you want the bet to be? 10 seconds staying on one skate. A dollar for every second.

You can see how they argued for five hours at a campsite. That's exactly right. I cannot wait to make $10. Is it Celsius or Fahrenheit? I have to go buy skates, though. And you've got to put all the gear on and everything, probably. What? I mean, you're playing hockey.

Where did you put that in? They're playing hockey. Oh, when I get knee pads to break a fucking stick in half? Oh, all right. It's way easier I mean if you're I would assume it's like It's got to be like you're in a game

That's what I would think That means I have more socks To sturdy my whole leg To hold my skate in place Longer as I stand there Do you think you could balance More longer on an skate Than you could have just on your foot

With the one leg up? Not even chance How long do you think you can do it with one I don't know I've never tried Long time I don't know I've never done it

525 silly geese We'll have this thing happen I feel my leg would get tired before my balance ran out but where's that anyway we didn't answer you Ryan we need smart people so write in

hey guys at cany you know podcast dot com want to move out for some good news can't wait to fucking take your money Zah So you're telling me there's a chance Hooray

We aren't doomed Yeah Okay This guy is just fucking adorbs Toots. That's what this fella is. So the Instagram account is just save our cat.

All lowercase, if you want to check this out. Now, this guy at the time that we're recording us, has 97,300 followers. My name is Carl. Yep. Name is Carl and I save cats. And what this guy does is he just tells dad jokes and then has a link to fuzzy paw slides. or pause lides Paw slides

They sell slides Okay So they just tell Jokes In order to raise money God damn it I'm not gonna be able to log in I got it dog

All right You fire it up for me baby Yeah so Here let's do the first one here Okay what's this What's this little joke here Oh There we go

There we go Gonna restart it What is happening I don't know Again What happened Last week I couldn't get the audio.

What have you done? All right. You do the sound effects. I'll do the music. Fuck! You would think. I mean, it works. Fine.

I listened to it earlier. As soon as I plug this in, it doesn't work. Maybe you should have done a better job of fucking hooking shit up. Maybe. Crazy out worked for three years, though. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. And all of a sudden, you just stopped working.

There he is. Oh no So it's just disadvantaged cats What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugsbody So it's some cheap But it's a little cheap joke And then he shows the kitties that he's saving

Oh my goody But the ones I love is when he says it And he has a little chuckle at the end I got a couple questions for you here tonight Where do you find a cow with no legs right where you left it right where you left it

here's a fucked up cat yeah evening everyone I hope you all had a nice day why did the scarecrow win an award because he was outstanding in his field

here's a fucked up cat but just a fucking sweet old guy that's like it just I mean, he could be a Nazi for all I know, but... But he's saving cats. He's saving cats. So, that's something. So, yeah.

Okay. And maybe he's making up for his past... We're not going to make up a whole scenario where this guy is a Nazi and killed a bunch of people. Save our cats. Really? Yeah. God, it's my brain. Just stop.

Sometimes I, at home, I just like, start thinking about bad things, like with family, you know, like with the weed. Yeah. And I'll start going there, and I have to go, stop! And I slap myself. and I tell I have to see you got to knock it up right I verbally have to say shut up and stop thinking about it like I have to do I I don't do it in my brain I verbally say it and slap myself anyway that's fun yeah it's so fun do you ever do that when you're reading nope think it would help not to cause the scene anyway if you go to fuzzy paw slides you can get little little slippers and help help him keep his little operation little cat shelter running yeah so he's all he does is on his page it's like a little eight nine second clips of just telling a little joke and then

save some kitties save some kitties he's raised almost let's see he's it says 4,10058 of 9,000 of oh of 9,000 yeah I thought he was saying I've raised in between 41 and 9000 it's like go questionable

dude narrow it down a little bit more than that who's doing your books IRS is going to want to know a little closer over the number there. Cooking your books, Fuzzy! All right. Founced up on the internet.

Want to share it? Zach, fucking do it. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out.

Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes. That's awesome. Okay, so this is not going to blow anybody's minds because obviously this exists it also exists in or blows anyone minds

that this exists because there's so many things that exist out there I just want to get my I just want to get blown yeah I know and there's probably a wheel for that but there's a whole website

called wheeldeside.com and I came across a wheel that is designed to figure out what's for fucking dinner because how many times I mean on your own sure you just don't know what to pick

you're like do I do this And you just can't make up your brain. So you can go to this particular wheel decide.com. And I think one of the top wheels is figuring out what's for dinner. So, but in particular, between you and your partner and trying to figure out what the fuck you should go do and what you should eat, you can come here, click on this. And. All right.

We're having Mexican. Hell yeah, brother. Dude. And then just imagine everyone's okay with it. Yeah, but it's, you know, it's not going to be. be like your wife's still going to be like i don't know all right well let's give another spin i just don't we had mexican last night okay well how about burgers i'm trying not to eat bread okay last time home we're gonna eat your house i don't want to make

anything i want to go out to eat okay amber sorry i got to eat your home again okay one more time It just says divorce Italian Okay Yeah, I like pasta All right But isn't that fun It's super fun

I know And they have so many other Like you can make your own custom wheel You can tell this Let's see here Let me see what I got I love the idea that if we Like say you're a

You're a couple or friends or whatever Gave up You have to you like Whatever this picks You have to do it And we all like We all agree on this right You can't be the guy that's like

Yeah, no, really It's like, we all agree This is what we're doing If you're out, you're out But we're agreeing This is what we're doing Right It's perfect

Just get it done You see what I would get If I did it Oh, do you have the sound on? I do but it's not playing Because you hooked it up where Eat your home Fuck

I mean, you can just fix it, Brian You have burgers at home Yeah We have burgers at home We always do that I'm sick of making food All right, let's move off and hear from our kits It's time to do that

Zach, fucking play it Hey, look, guys All right, let's hear what you guys think Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool All right, Brad Guy, what email do you want to read? I'll do the first one from Corey here. Okay, it's shorter One of my friends, who is old as fuck

Has some of the wildest stories Okay, he got fired from his job for kicking the shit out of a crane at an exotic bird farm after it pecked in between the eyes. Come here, motherfucker! No, pecks me between my eyes! But me?

But me? He was going to be drafted in Vietnam, so he instead decided to elicit in the Navy and was stationed on a fuel and munition ship. One time about 12 guys decided they were going to start a mutiny. They beat the shit

out of the leader, tied a rope to his leg, and and threw him overboard and drug him through the sea for a bit. What? All right. Keel Hall. He said he would go to the shore in the Philippines with $10 in his pocket and he could get a whore.

All he could eat and all he could drink come back with change. All right, grandpa, let's get you to bed. One sailor got a whore that was in the, that was the envy. That was with the that was with the NVA

What's that? I don't know Naval Vietnam Vagina Association Naval Vagina Association North Vietnamese Army That sounds right Probably

And she put Blades of some her Some in She had put blades of some sort In her lady hole And it damn near severed This guy's dick Oh

What position did you play Or dick Everyone had a physical when they got back to the ship after being on shore and they got their name on the board if they had SDDs. The chaplain got his name on the board one time. One guy who was ultra-religious always yelled at the sailors after a night of whoring. So they held him down one night and shoved the bar of soap in his ass. Yeah! Not a hotel-sized bar of dove.

The big 1970s Duke Cannon size son of a bitch. I added that part. Surgery was required. I'm sure there's more, I'm forgetting. Let me know if you want more. Cheers. Man, anyway, I got a lot more. When I read that the first time, I was like, this feels like,

it feels like he's telling us the plot of like an old war movie and passing it off as a store. Yeah. I remember when Charlie Sheen did that in the cartoon. Exactly. but and then I was like I was trying to think like no movies sound that sounds familiar

this gotta be real he's like one time he got off the naval ship and he became a starting pitcher for the Cleveland Indians and they called him wild thing and he had sex and did drugs and stuff and then another time he got a big motorcycle

and they were like is that it's a chopper baby Zed's dead it's just like just knit you're like these are all classic movies A scene. There's a sheen in one of all these movies. One time he drove a car that had like crazy stuff in it and it looked like a bat and he wore a big rubber suit, like a, it looked like a bat guy. And he lived in Gotham City. And then another time, he had to put mud all over himself to hide from a monster.

You're like, what the fuck you're talking about? And then he blew that monster. Well, that old man and all his friends sounds like they should all be in prison. You guys Just can't do this shit They could back then Oh man That was a good

Statute limitations brother Fucking Fucking best generation Our second email is coming in from our Chappadofobic Chappadovic son Zach Hello again Daddy Joe

Daddy Brian Hey And the only tolerable commonist Uncle Zach That's fair I was listening to your recent podcast Tin Cans Garbage Man

Etiquette nude Beach And heard y'all talking about the guy jumping overboard to save his kid. Well, I was almost the proverbial kid in that situation. My family went on a cruise when I was about 14, and the cruise ship went out, and the

cruise ship we went out on, had all the newest amenities. One of the oddest ones was an underwater petting zoo on the main deck of the sheep. On the sheep, on the sheep. They had the classic starfish, sea cucumbers, etc. But they also had an octopus

to pet. A little background, I have serious personal phobia of all things tentacle. I hate all tentacle things. Animals, food, especially porn. It freaks me out, and my parents knew this. How'd they know about the porn? My sweet mother, noting the sign, asked if I'd like to pet the octopus with her, firmly saying, well, it's not in all caps. No. I stay as far away as possible from that area of the underwater petting zoo. She sees me keeping my distance from it, and she starts to tease me. about my fear of octopi. You're a little pussy. You're like a little fucking?

Which one is it? Is it number six or number seven? How many arms don't you like? I have two. Am I an octopus? She keeps dipping her hand. Octumum. Keeps dipping her hand into the area of the water and laughing about how she just wants

to shake its hand. I'm almost in tears as a teenage boy, no less, begging her to stop. Well, I'm already wound up from this. The octopus decided it didn't like my mom's attempted touching. From my point of view, No touching! I see my mom dipping her hand into the enclosure. Then suddenly stop laughing and scream.

Not a fake... Scream like she's actually scared. My mind, filled with nightmares of the octopus crawling out of its tank and escaping to cause mayhem and likely death upon me, decides to dip. I shriek in terror. I want to say Shrek. Donkey!

And being near the side of the ship, escape in my decision. decision dashing to the edge i already have one leg over the side of a fucking cruise ship fully prepared to gamble on davy jones mercy my father luckily grabs my shirt he makes me back onto the deck all i can hear is my mother laughing what a fun day psychopath mom too who knows what zach fucking tears brought on her with his pussy ass tentacle fears just kidding zach love you apparently the octopus squirted my mother's hand with ink startling her. I have been mocked by my whole family for years about this. I love a good school. Remember when you almost jumped over the fucking edge? You're fucking shit, dude. You're fucking idiot. My mother loves to talk about how her hero's son was

I was ready to abandon her to her fate. Hope this email finds y'all well. Love to listen to y'all as I drive around and inspect the landfill where I work. You're at Chapo, dude, Chapo dephobic. Cacapoddyphobic. What? Cacapod. No, I'm going to go chappadofobic. Chappetophobia. Chappado. Chappadoophobia. But this is chappetophobic son, Zach. Yeah. There's no way. Chapp. I'm guessing it's a c sound, but what the fuck doing? Yeah. Cap already. We have to go ahead. I'll look it up because you can't play sound. He don't like tentacles. Because apparently, you just don't want to check and make sure that your computer plays sound before. Oh, remember how I took this out and it played sound perfectly fine?

Yeah. Every single time. Yeah. Remember how you just didn't check it and have. haven't for three weeks about before we start recording the podcast if your computer works chappadipobia suck it chapidophobia what are you using though pronounce dot com

I guess chappadipobia chappadipobia chappadipobia chappadipobia chappadipophobia chappadipophobia chappadipovia chappadipophobia

I love it you just flew in with so much confidence It's just getting It's like a hammer After that fucking emails Chapidophobia Different voices It's just getting chopped down Chopodophobia

It's like absolutely not cockadoophobia Most people Or many people assume it's Cappadofobia But they would be wrong It's chappadoophobia

All right That is our episode Thanks for tuning in We'll keep going with the bonus content Send things in We are recording two more episodes next week so we need tons of content. Hey guys at can you know podcast.com. The hawkathon is on again tattoo fucking man putting it on our skin right now

as you're listening if you listen early on Patreon. Where are you putting it? I don't know. Don't talk about it. I don't want to talk about it. What position did you play? On your neck? Right on my forehead. Rate and review us wherever you listen to the podcast. Thanks to Uncle Zach for producing today's show and blowing that fucking horn. Check out what's going on over the SCATCast universe at SCATCast.com. Oster. What's that, ostrich? Bostard week.

Oh, gotcha. Remember, that's SCAT with a K, not SCAT with a C. You will be either hard or throwing up if you go there. Thanks to the babysitters. We've got a couple of new moderators in there on the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. Go check it out. All right, you ready to wrap it up? Fuck, is that?

Rip it. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? So, hey, you got a joke for you. What is it? A bossy man walked into a bar. Okay. And he ordered everyone around.

Yeah. That's a good one. That's what a bossy person does. Yeah, orders you around. Kind of like you with chappetophobia. I was kind of pushing my weight around with that one. Kind of knocked back on my ass. Sure, it did.

It was like trying to boss everyone around and then your car got. to clint yeah yeah yeah yeah what i mean yeah or you're boss and everybody around and you get you get caught for sexual harassment at the workplace and get fired oh yeah thrown in jail yeah have you had that happen no all right that's that off to the bonus content we love you guys bye hi You know,