Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Hocus Pocus. Velveeta. Fart. Giant Wheel.

Episode Date: October 26, 2022

This is the only time of the year you get to potentially see Yoshi beating the crap out of a vampire. And there's something special about that opportunity. Let's talk about that, accidentally inviting all of Hell into your home, doing a half-ass job at taking out the trash, having sex in a Gravitron, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/I9z9SfWdkcUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hocus Pocus, Velveeta, Fart, Giant Wheel. Here's how you blend sounds together to read a word. Mmm, mat. Mat. Mat. Sat. Sat. Yes.

Rat. Rat. Rat. B. B. At. Bat. B. B. At. Bat. Bat.

C. S. S. I got it. What? I don't get that one. You don't get it. You just have to keep practicing.

Why does the C make a K sound? You just have to keep practicing. If you could easily blend the sounds of the letters together, you are ready to start the lessons. I can read now? Yay! Go, Brian! Yes! There was two words that said sat in there.

They're confusing. This is a word. Okay. Oh, sorry. Episode 19, everybody! Welcome to Can You Don't? As you see, Brian is... We're recording?

Yeah. Dude, that's embarrassing it's all right i was learned i was doing my people like to see behind the curtain uh they want to know that you're trying to be better at reading i think that was a step in the right direction i don't i think that made me look very illiterate you looked you looked handsome and uh dedicated well of course i'm good looking but that doesn't good looking, but that's not all about looks. It is when it comes to reading. That's true.

How are you? Brad Pitt could read good. How's your life? How have you been for the last week? Things going well over there? I guess. Cool. Who are you?

I'm Joe. Oh, I'm Brian. Right, Brian. What episode are we on? This is episode 19. And a big thank you to everybody who has signed up. They continue to become a part of the gaggle. Do the thing.

There it is. Is there any significance to 19? No. I think it's the worst one. 20 will be cooler. 21. 19 really is nothing, huh? No.

Nothing cool about it. 17's not really anything? No. There's a bunch of dead weight when it comes to numbers. 13, you're a teenager. 19 really is nothing huh no nothing cool 17's not really anything no there's a bunch of dead weight when it comes to numbers 13 you're a teenager 14

mhm and 14 kinda sucks too well in Idaho you can start driving like at 15 16 well 15's cool cause that's quinceanera

mhm 16 is sweet 16 17 sucks mhm 18 legal 18 you're legal 19 boring

so this episode's gonna suck of course it is uh thanks for signing up and supporting us on Patreon head on over there sucks. 18 legal. 18 you're legal. 19 boring. So this episode's going to suck. Of course it is. Thanks for signing up and supporting us on Patreon. Head on over there. It is, well, patreon.com

slash can you don't podcast. You'll also find the link in the episode description. H-T-T-T-P-S colon slashy slashy 4 slash 4 slash

W-W-W and content you want to see on the show. This includes Petty Beef, Confessions, Tips for Brian on how to read. That's where we picked up the so i can read more gooder yep hooked on phonics today we got a link sent in to us and that email address is hey guys at can you don't podcast.com

uh is there anything else you want to add on the front end i'm sorry i did not mean to embarrass you with your reading uh recording your reading out the gate but i think it was just it's okay the uh the kids have done enough of that already so all i need is another person giving me shit so yeah it's great my kids already make fun of me when i try to read to them i oh you know what i i've wanted to do this for a really long time but i finally did it this past week there's a car in at my uh apartment complex there's a few cars i saw him dude parks like a jackass like a lady dude parks like a lady dude parks like a lady what is she it's it's all dented in and uh he double parks. He parks his giant car in a compact spot that's not a compact car.

So I finally did it. I left a note on his car. Oh, good for you. Yeah. Good for you. Did they acknowledge it? Well, he grabbed the note and didn't move the car for one day. So he probably crumpled it up and threw it over his shoulder.

So now he's a litterer, too. Not only can he not park, but he also hates the planet i wrote on a p on a bright pink right colorblind guy that's pink right you sure okay so it says hey what's up it's your boy big j just stopping by to let you know that parking like this is worse than any sin in the bible knock it off you're embarrassing me with love jesus oh big j is jesus i thought it could be big joe too good that's the that was the misdirect uh see what i did there uh-huh but hopefully you thought it was gonna be joe and it was jesus but hopefully he doesn't do that anymore because it's in the way that he parked in this this time

in particular where he parked the parking lot funnels to like how you get out of the parking lot yeah and his tailgate was so far back, you had to inch your way out between the little exit thing. Cause he not only double parked, but he also left the car about five feet off the front of the parking space. And did he have his tailgate down too? So it was just an extra two feet. Yeah. Foot and a half.

It was a fucking piece of shit. Piece of garbage. Yep. And he just left it there. I haven't seen the car since. So maybe he moved out maybe i just i made him so sad he moved out or maybe it was someone's friend right and they didn't care they don't care about the respect of others in that complex well if he shows back you come find me i will and we'll we'll we'll stake out his place yeah and then we'll chop him up with our knives and invite and then invite his friend to a cook

over or a cookout um oh yeah okay so we're gonna do some halloween stuff today uh it's gonna be a fun show we got all your basics it's a it's a classic if i may jump back from what because fashions was last week right i don't know yeah man it all just i forgot all just seems to blur together doesn't it um okay you ready to go all just seems to blur together, doesn't it? Okay. You ready to go to the... Woo-hoo! Ready to get the opening question? Yeah.

Okay, let's do it. Blur reference. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. All right, Joe. You ready? Woo-hoo! It's time to start the show.

Fire it up. This was sent in by our son, Jack. Sorry. It wasn't even funny, but... Yeah. I know. Jack is one of those names. It's like, Jack what Sorry. It wasn't even funny. I know. Jack is one of those names. Like, Jack what? Come on.

Yeah. Because you want to immediately... Jack be nimble, Jack me off. Yeah. Jack from Dover Candle. You ever notice in every action movie in the 90s, the hero was named Jack? I didn't, but that does make a lot of sense. It is kind of like a cool...

Jack. A fun name. It's a hard... Jack Reacher. Yeah. Yeah. All right. What do we right um let's see if i can read this oh owled yeah owl wild would you rather grow your dick an eighth of an inch every week or lose an eighth of inch of your overall height every week what so eventually you just you should be short and then you'd turn into joe you'd eventually just be rude you're how

much taller are you i don't even know if i am taller than you you just look you're you're you look shorter oh fine because your dick's so big. Gotcha. Eventually, you just get so small, you'd just be a giant dick. You would. You'd be a tiny ant on the end of an elephant dick. Can you imagine if you were just all dick with a little body? Dude, what a mess. Well, you'd be like Peter North. Oh, yeah.

Same thing. So I did a little bit of math, and please double check me because we know how that goes. But that comes out to about six and a half inches a year, which seems a little quick. So if you pick the dick, you're going to have a fucking monster in a decade. I'll have an eight-inch dick? Yeah, at the end of the year. But then it's going to keep going, baby, and that's going to get in the way. You have to stuff it in your car like balloons on a birthday party. Like squishing your dick in.

You'd be rolling it over your shoulder like with a hose or an extension cord. 20 around your arm. Yeah, 20 around your arm extension cord. Like over your shoulder. God, this thing's getting fucking heavy. Putting zip ties on it. Do you ever feel like a weak, sissy baby boy when you have a heavy-duty, long extension cord you have to roll up and it really makes your arm tired? No.

Yeah, you either? Yeah, I got me either, bro. There's one. I do want to know what it feels like to wind up my dick like that, though. I know. There's one in the garage here. It's like 150 feet, but it's a huge gauge. And by the end of it, you're just like.

Oh, I can imagine that. It's like an feet but it's a huge gauge and by the end of it you're just like oh i can imagine that it's like an outdoor weather graded it's like a fire hose i hate using it because it's so nice that's what firemen used when they run up the stairs to train we've power cord can we borrow the your extension cord we have some training to do we have fire fire training to do oh yeah sure you guys you can get one yeah we know we just like yours so i i wanted to make it a little more realistic and make it maybe 1 16th of an inch okay that it would grow every week because then that comes out to just over three inches a year which still is a ton when you're talking about your height like in five years you're just you're gonna you're losing a foot like you're gonna be you're gonna be tiny yeah but in five years you're gaining yeah you're gaining a log i know but eventually

the log is no fun anymore right you get if you get aroused you die because that's all your blood you just turn in right you prune up oh that's so funny are you gonna vomit you look sick no just all the blood's rushing in my penis no i'm turned on what i'm turned on they immediately call the cops but i don't yeah i mean dicks are fine let's say you're six feet tall how long as i am how long would it take for you to just disappear yeah disappear i'd have to Yeah, I mean, dicks are fine. Let's say you're six feet tall. As I am. How long would it take for you to just disappear? Yeah, disappear. I'd have to get it calculated because I'm terrible at math. Do some ballpark math.

All right. You keep talking so I can do ballpark math. Well, now I'm thinking about it. Okay. Hold on. I got this. The key had to keep talking. I thought you wanted to hear.

You said, oh, I got this. I you wanted to hear you said oh i got this i just want to hear the the keyboard typing okay um you ever get in those conversations when someone's like um you have to go to 22 i think if my math is correct yeah they just can't be silent for a second me uh my dad and I used to make fun of those people all the time. Because what is it? Like, oh, let me see here. Like, just go. Yeah.

Yeah, like. And there's no order to it. There's no, like, it's not a real song. It's not like they're going. She's like, whoa, she wants to get married. They say, what? You're trying too hard or like the people

when they clap along with music and soft beat oh well that's a whole different you can't even trust yeah if you have a crowd

of people trying to clap on beat like 10 of them are gonna stay on tempo the rest of them are just walking speed up speed up

dude I played I played an acoustic show one time it was a comedy show. And I'm not good at guitar or singing. And I was trying to do both at the same time. And clap. No, then people started clapping.

And I was like, it was throwing me off. No. Because I was like, I don't play to a metronome. I always just play at my own pace. And they started clapping like that. They were now the dictators of the show. Exactly. Slow down.

I had to stop. Hold on, I'll lose that. exactly i stopped and i was like dude shut up stop you can't do that you're fucking me up i'm just trying to think of like a funny a funny song or a song that would be extra comical if you had to speed it up by like 200 beats per minute because the crowd told you to kenny g right like a sing-along class, like, I'm back in black,

do you get it? Or TNT, whatever it is. Thunderstruck! You try to play the ending, like the ding, ding, ding, ding. God damn it!

Blast beat going. Thunderstruck! Okay, so if you divide, so six feet, 72 inches, divide that by 3.25, so going off of the

1 16th of an inch a week i i get 22 years god i feel i'm so uncomfortable in my math i'm it's embarrassing but that seems it seems correct so 22 years and you'll disappear so you'll be nothing but a monster fucking six foot long plus whatever your dick is now. Penis in 22 years. That's your whole identity is a dick on the ground. But you're the same height, right? Well, you shrink. Oh, yeah, you're right.

Never mind. Because they don't shrink and get a dick. Yeah, that's what it says. No, it doesn't. No. Every week or lose. Okay, gotcha. Yeah.

So you're the same height. You're five four would you rather vanish from the planet by shrinking all the way down to the size of a ladybug or have a dick that's going to be an issue i'm assuming your dick shrinks along with you when you shrink or it's not just your body your dick stays the same that'd be weird right in there he's like but when you shrink your dick stays the same size so when you're tiny you probably technically you have basically what's happened on the other end well it's the fact that's growing out it's just the He's like, but when you shrink, your dick stays the same size. So when you're tiny, you probably technically have a big dick. That's basically what's happened on the other end.

I know. The fact that it's growing out. It's just the scale is different. I think I would just have to go, even though I know it, I see it, how big of an inconvenience a massive, not a big one, a fucking seven horse cocks in a, in a, whatever it's called, a human centipede, just all sewed together horse dick. That's what you would have at the end of a decade.

Wait, how long would it be after the end of a decade? Well, I'm guessing because we shrunk down a six foot guy and it took 22 years. So you'd add six feet to your dick in 22 years. That's not that bad. Dude, that's in 22 years. That's not that bad. Dude, that's a fucking whale. That's really not that bad.

Six foot? Dick? What are you doing with that? Trying to use a urinal? Sorry. Can you hold my drink? You have to, okay, let's weigh the... It's like you're carrying a bunch of baguettes.

I don't even know what it'd be like a... What's a food that you try to carry in your arms to the urinal. That's what you're doing. Or you have to have one of those hose organizers that you have. It rolls up. You have like one of those on your hip. Yeah.

You just roll your dick up in. Yeah, I don't know. It's like a holster, but it's a crank. I'm trying to think of the female version for this too. Like you don't want to have a bigger pussy, usually. Or tit. Oh, okay. Let's say that your tits get...

Because we'll measure tits in the 16th of an inch. Because that makes sense. Let's just say they go up like... The nipples. Only the nipples. The nipple itself? Yeah. Like, the distance?

The boob stays the same. It turns into a diving board. The nipple extends out then you're then you're uh what's her name what's that actress blonde nipples i think her name is mrs nipples mrs piggy i don't know if you think about it let me know miss me yeah i'm to have my way give me those nipples I mean you would for sure take the you would take the dick over

well you have to I think you got to weigh your options here like is there an amount that it stops at I think if you it's like cartilage when you're an old man

your ears are still growing just say you're going old man your ears are still growing um just say you're gonna the next five years as it's growing you're gonna use it as much as possible yeah it'll be a gonna be a cool feature for a bit yeah and then you just be like well then i'm just gonna have to god it keeps growing though but if you go the other way you're gonna shrink down until you're nothing yeah so he's a honey i shrunk the kids yeah you're gonna shrink down until you're nothing yeah so he's honey i shrunk the kids yeah you're gonna be fighting ants and scorpions and shit brooms that was a good movie it's a great movie um okay so i'm going with the dick because i don't feel like shrinking because

that's impossible but you can attempt to have you you would go down in history as the dude with the biggest dick ever so no matter if you couldn't use it the rest of humanity for all of existence of humans your name would pop up for biggest dick yeah how many how many years later and we still know who john holmes is right exactly i've never seen anything that he's ever done but i know his name because he's got a monster dog and i've never even seen it oh i know his name you should look it up monster dong. And I've never even seen it. But I know his name. You should look it up.

Okay. It's a big old peen. Yeah. It's a huge problem. At least there's going to be a place for it. I do get scared that you'll die if you ever get aroused because that's just too much blood to go into one place. I don't know. Your body would probably adapt, right?

Yeah, just more blood when you don't have a boner. I'm typing in John Holmes dong. All this extra blood just like filling your cheeks i don't know like a squirrel um yeah have you seen it yet no it's not popping up um hey yo i don't i don't know though maybe it's like you're the blood would the the joke is that you would die because the blood would leave everywhere to go to your dick, but it wouldn't actually do that. It would never get hard. You'd just have a problem. You'd have a fucking trunk. I remember humping a pillow before it really got hard and it still felt good.

So you just have people rub pillows on your 12 foot dick yeah cool uh okay let's move on and get to the the next part of the show you ready yeah okay hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about brian yes set this set this one up all right what am i thinking about what are you thinking about you know what i'm thinking about what you're thinking about thinking about halloween and halloween costumes man happy halloween everybody yeah we're a few days away or halloween or whatever happy fucking halloween or whatever i think fucking Halloween or whatever. I think we're still a couple days away.

But! Yeah. I've been thinking about costumes a lot. Just because we were joking about this, like, costumes that, there's always, there's sexy versions of costumes, you know? Like, there's sexy nurse and sexy cop. Firefighter. Sexy, yeah. Cheerleader.

And it got me thinking, like like there's just jobs out there that don't have like you can't sex it up can't sexify you're like we and we joked about this before like a person in uniform military uniform or certain uniforms that are just kind of like they turn people on sure you're like oh my husband when he wears his whatever it's just a turn on like that one email butcher yeah if i'm covered if i'm covered in blood she wants to fuck me yeah and i think you guys should see somebody about that but whatever works for you you're into some stuff something's cool or you know a guy who works on cars he comes home he's all greasy and it's like oh he was working with his hands today now i got another job for him that's how he cleans his fingers that's right you get it yeah okay

his yeah everything's dirty except for the tips of the two middle fingers okay um so it got me thinking like yeah you can sex up all these things you sex up these characters all the things but what are some certain things that just can't be sexed sexed up and my first thought is obviously like a garbage man or something like yeah how do you sexify that into just a like a yeah garbage man with some like tight little pink booty shorts on you know like i'd in some cowboy boots in a in a vest like an orange or green vest it's orange green vest but it has fur on the collar like just what what the fuck is this guy he says waste management on it yeah they immediately call the cops you're like anal

is that what yeah i'll manage her waist yeah i'll manage something buddy uh yeah garbage man that's a good one um for whatever reason i thought a zookeeper i don't know why that's a fucking sexy zookeeper like showing off the penguins but just looking really good while they do it yeah because they're always wearing those brown outfits like a ups guy it's a ups guy in the wrong environment yeah is what a they could be they're interchangeable one has packages one has giraffes that's what how that started a ups guy came to a zoo to drop off a package like hey dude we need another guy drop off a penguin we could use another guy real quick so he just stayed he's like what are you guys keeping these oh that's penguins what let me see them and he fell in love and never left.

And he was the best at his job. So it was like the president set the standard. And his truck was just sitting there running. Yeah, there's some other good ones too. I like the idea of like a security guard trying to be like sexy. I get a cop. Right. Authority kind of thing.

Yeah. But a security guard. Or like a warden. Yeah, or like a jail warden. Where they're just like, they shouldn't be sexy. There kind of thing. Yeah. But a security guard. Or like a warden. Yeah. Or like a jail warden where they're just like, they shouldn't be sexy. There's no way. There's never been a sexy warden in the history of wardens. Yeah. It'd be a bad place to be sexy.

Like you don't want to be. I guess. You can walk out there to talk to all the inmates and they're all, woohoo. Yeah. Whatever you want, Mr. Bradley. Bradley Warden. Bradley Warden. His last name was,

can you imagine if his last name was Warden and he was a warden? That'd be a match made in heaven. I'm sure it exists. So, accountant is a good one. Yeah, I agree with that

because like, when you have, let's say like a garbage man, there's, there's this smell and things that come along with that. But when you think about like a computer programmer or an accountant they're well not necessarily a programmer but like an

accountant they're wearing nice clothes and that in a way could be sexy because he's dressed nice yeah but they smell and they smell they smell like sadness but there's is there any personality there so you'd like you have to sexify man this is a whole crunch the numbers oh yeah i'm gonna crunch your numbers what just give me the fucking numbers um it makes me sad and maybe you're out there listening and this will make you sad too uh but when someone i know that has like a big personality this is not talking down to someone who's a accountant like i would be terrible at it for my personality one and two i'm a fucking idiot yeah and i would ruin it and i would lose my job you like you but here's your

one account i'm like cool fire me tomorrow because it's gonna be awful but i do have friends that are in those types of jobs who do have big personalities and then they're not allowed to use them it makes me so sad it's like a wasted opportunity god damn that'd be miserable yeah be miserable and i don't know what else you would do but sitting there and just looking at a computer then you get off numbers fun and you're super funny and you're you know you're jumping around you're like a super extrovert and then you have to go and stare at and fucking numbers you just happen to be good at numbers yeah i don't know it always makes me a little sad but if that's you out there don't i mean don't be don't be too sad i'm not and i'm not ragging on your job i'm just saying i do know

people and it makes me sad inside if they get trapped in an environment they they fucking hate i would never rag on somebody's job that's smarter than i am yeah exactly i just wanted didn't want to come off that way yeah like i'm being a snob it just i don't know would never work for me um certain people just like to do you know like i i wouldn't fit that just because of my personality i don't this is the only thing i could really see myself doing is something in this vein and there's other people that you know they're like i could never do that so whatever there's an accountant out there right now i've been like fuck you your guy's job is terrifying yeah exactly yeah um i do picture this same guy i guess i can't get

him out of my head but the uh fucking whatever guy doing these jobs i don't know why that's funny to me like a security guard hey can i come hey fucking keep it down or whatever like no one's gonna take you seriously i said fucking hey listen sublox if you Sublox, if you fucking do that again or whatever, I'll come down there. Fucking, you know I will or whatever. Whatever. This is not scary. Okay, buddy, you got it.

Same thing with him being a warden. He's like, all right, inmates,en all right inmates now just fucking listen up just listen up we're like we're changing some shit around here wherever just what like it's so passive an accountant yeah you sure you got my numbers right yeah i mean i'm fucking pretty sure whatever this billion dollar business good enough for me he's super smart his social skills are just just crap bedside manager manager manager if you think that's a job a bedside manager what do you do besides i manage the bed size i knew that's exactly what you're gonna say uh what do you make sure that like it's tucked in in in the seats are the seats this job fucking so confusing bedside manager that fucking manages seats

the bedside manager would just be a guy that comes into the hotel rooms and makes sure that the housekeepers did their job make sure that yeah the sheets my seats are clean um you i mean i do love halloween as much as i mean it used to be the next guy he liked halloween as much as the next guy right uh i don't know how much is the next guy like it i've always thought that that's a weird thing i like as much as the next guy how do you know that next guy might fucking love it. Or he hates it. Or he hates it.

Compare yourself to the next guy. Yeah, well, I'm going to need a scale. I need some options here. I don't know what I'm comparing to. Yeah, does he love it or does he hate it? Or is he on the fence about it? I don't know. But Halloween, for sure, used to be my favorite holiday.

I don't know. they're just they all kind of blend together now as you get older because of parties yeah yeah parties but also i love the fall i like creepy dark shit i mean i've always been into metal you know play metal play rock so i love that environment i like the oddity style um like i like christmas for different reasons that's just like family and definitely not buying a bunch of shit that no one likes. They'll just return it or never play with it again. Not my favorite. But it's just like super bright and happy.

What if you get Halloween costumes for Christmas? Right. For next year. There is people that, and it's becoming more and more popular, where they decorate Christmas as if it were Halloween. They have like a black Christmas tree and Santa's like all skeleton-y shit. I can get behind that. But no. It's Santa's brother,

Banta. Right, Banta. Avenged Sevenfold. What? Make sure you leave your, what would you leave out for it? What would you leave out for a Halloween Christmas,

a Santa guy? It would be, what's the whiskey, cinnamon whiskey? Fireball. Fireball. Fireball and some other gross thing like a dead frog you better leave that out for a ben sevenfold for kid rock a bat and uh fireball and like a case of paps or something uh no but i love halloween but it got me thinking about and i please if you're if you're hearing this and you're looking for a costume idea especially if you have a one friend or a couple this was the my favorite costume that me and my

buddy steve came up with and we actually won a costume contest with it um i'm gonna describe the and you try to guess what it is okay it makes a lot just growling at me i want to say something my throat was all clunky the devil the devil okay so uh me i had on like one of those like kind of like hippie hemp hats i had a bunch of joints rolled in my ears and i had one in my mouth i had a tie-dye shirt on i had one of those long like hemp belts that would hang down sandals like a little loose fitting jeans jerry garcia bingo i was chair no and i had the number five on my on my shirt okay now my friend steve hi steve i think he listens hi steve um he was all emo and he had like running eyeliner uh i think he we want we tried to find black lipstick but we couldn't find any but super emo hair like kind of jelly and black had the the spike wristband spike belt and he had a number five on his shirt so we were a fucking high five and a low five oh my god

yeah baby that's i mean come on you ever seen that shit no fuck out of here i i like that kind of stuff and the the people that go out and they'll buy like this elaborate costume like look how cool and original i am no dude i saw that one block away like how many jeffrey dommers are there gonna be this year oh that's okay that is a weird well is that any more weird than jason i guess because jason's fictional. Right. Dahmer's real. So I guess that's the difference.

Yeah. Like if you dressed up as OJ Simpson, or like some other... Everyone's like, what the fuck are you doing? Like you're a murderer. Like why did you... But you're wearing his football. Right, exactly.

It just doesn't make any sense. Or you're just wearing the black gloves. You're wearing gloves that don't fit. You're walking around trying to put the glove on the entire time. Right. Yeah, if you... Just put the glove on the entire time. Right. Yeah. Put the candy in the glove.

Who are some other ones? Yeah, BTK, the Bind, Torture, Kill guy. I always forget his name. But all those serial killers. Kemper. You're just dressed up like a serial killer. It is weird. But it's also Halloween, so do you get a pass?

I don't fucking know. And it's not too soon, because Dahmer was a while ago, but the show is blowing up. So it's very fresh. There's going to be plenty of Dahmer I was at Dairy Queen the other day and there was like 16 year old girls that were making blizzards and they put in the order and they were standing around behind the thing talking about the Jeffrey Dahmer tv show and I was like it's just weird that like the sensationalizing the guy that was yeah brutal dismembering people eating and killing people yeah um which i um damn it oh there's people out there that aren't trying to dress up like jeffrey dahmer they look like him yeah so they're all set you kind of have a dahmer thing going on with the

glasses that's not very nice for you to say and my other favorite thing about halloween if i may is going to halloween parties like you mentioned i I haven't gone to a Halloween party that was a rager in a long time. But I loved, and especially Halloween parties, but just themed parties in general. Because my favorite part was when something didn't go right and you saw either people fighting or crying. But they're all dressed up. Yeah, you can't take it serious. It's just so good. You'll be walking down the hallway and you'll go by this girl who's dressed up as a cowboy has like a fake mustache and a giant foam hat on and she's just bawling because she

walked in on mario making out with tinkerbell she's crying to her friend he just like threw a fake mustache he's like i can't wait i thought it was like my boyfriend was getting married. Here we go. Just mascara running. The mustache is like hanging off because it's getting all wet. Right. I don't know why. Or like when two dudes get in a fight, one of my good buddies, what he would always do is you'd go to Walmart and you just go to the kids section and buy it and then just make a way for it to fit.

So he bought like a Luigi or not a Yoshi. Bought a Yoshi outfit, but it was way for it to fit so he bought a like a luigi or not a yoshi bought a yoshi outfit but it was way too small it's like for a toddler so he just cut all the holes in it and punched out his hands and it was barely on his head and he got in a fight and he's watching that guy wrestle somebody i think it was a it was a vampire he's getting wrestled by my buddy in a blown out yoshi costume and shit like that is so funny well you know so funny i've seen videos where like uh there'll be like a street performer somebody dressed up as like spider-man or whatever and then somebody will like touch their butt or something and then that person like fights back or does something and then that person like fights back

or does something and it's just it's so I crack up every time because it's this person that's trying to work but you can't take them serious because they're dressed as

or they've got the they're like a stone a statue and they're going woo and they're like fighting some guy I know

and they're dressed up in gold or whatever it's just so funny and there's always that period where you're like is this part of the show and And there's always that period where you're like, is this part of the show? Yeah.

And you don't really know it. And you're like, oh no, this is actually a fight. Okay. So I love it. I love it. And if you have any examples of, I don't know, give us some costume ideas. I know it's going to be post-Halloween,

but if you have one you really have to brag about, we can share it on the show and then maybe people can use it for next year. So anything else you want to add about fucking fucking no whatever i mean i could go but we for the sake of the show let's move on oh okay all right because i uh now i'm curious i'll tell you afterwards okay is it dumb is Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick dick. Gosh.

This music bed kills me every time. Why haven't you changed it? I'm going to make it the loudest one, though, so every time I play it, it's too loud. Dick dick dick dick dick. No, it's just so happy. Okay, go ahead. Well, there's a reason to be happy. Yeah?

Because two people were arrested at Cedar Point. Yeah? Oh, I love. For banging on the giant wheel. On the big Ferris wheel thing? The Ferris wheel, yeah. Actually, I don't know if they were arrested or not. But they were just caught.

Caught in the act. They're caught having sex atop the famed giant wheel at Cedar Point, which is a place I desperately want to go. Dude, I was just talking to Pepper about it. Pepper is into... My son went backwards, and I'm so mad about it. Just throw him into the nightstand. I will, if he keeps this shit up.

I'll throw him in a whole stack of fucking nightstands. He used to ride all the roller coasters with me, and then now he won't ride any of them. And Pepper did go backwards a little bit. Now Pepper's all about it. And I grew up, both of my parents, all of their family is from Ohio. They're from Cleveland. So Cedar Point.

So we'd go visit and go to Cedar Point. I haven't been there in forever, and I remember being so cool. I mean, how many, I guess we could find out if we looked it up. The top 10 coasters? Oh, they have all of them. There's like five of them, I think, how many, I guess we could find out if we looked it up. The top 10 coasters. Oh, they have all of them. There's like five of them, I think, are there. And they just, they blow them up when they don't break records anymore and just build a better one. But I forget how many roller coasters it has, but it is wild.

Let's go to fucking Cedar Point. I agree. I took a trip. I will ditch Pepper. I won't even, I'll just go with you now. Let's just film it. You're more fun. Okay.

You and me. Let's go. Cedar Point. You're more fun. Here we go. So a few years ago, I went on a trip where we drove back east, and I was driving through Ohio, and there was a sign that said Cedar Point, 15 miles or whatever it was. I was like, oh, I'm right here, and I can't go.

Anyway. I'm looking up how many roller coasters. Anyway, Silverwood. Yeah, we have a theme park by here. It's not Cedar Point. It's the biggest in the Northwest, though. I know. It's pretty much the only one, considering the weather.

It's pretty good, considering. I heard, and I can't confirm this, I think Disney bought Silverwood. Did you know that? I didn't. Disney was like, you can't take this competition and just bought out this tiny-ass theme park. All right, go ahead. All right. 17 world-class roller coasters in Cedar Point.

In the top, yeah. Anyway. Okay. We'll spend a whole episode talking about roller coasters. Go like on fast. Yeah. Oh, my God. That's that sweet lose coming up.

Oh, yeah. That was good. All right. Two people were arrested at Cedar Point Amusement Park in Ohio on Sunday after police say they were caught having sex in a very public place. The 145-5 foot high giant wheel super cool name some of the witnesses were children yeah yeah what should we call this thing um fucking giant and it's a wheel giant wheel or whatever that's how that got named that's

it colin colin was working the the fucking balloon dart stand and overheard some suits talking about what to name it i don't know fucking giant wheel or whatever can i just say something really quick yeah about carnivals um and i don't mean this in a i don't mean this in a the way that it's going to sound great all right here we go so um back in when i was a kid we'd go to a carnival and you play a game whatever there'd be like these just like white trash carnies there and they'd be like hey man can you see if you can knock this over a big ah dude sorry guys had rotator cuff surgery i guess punch the punch the uh they set it down down the way I guess killed your buddy down there my arm's a little sore oh fuck yeah dude

look at it oh fuck it whatever but so they were so fun to like to banter with because they would give you some shit

and you give it and you move on the carnivals now the guys that are running the machine don't speak English and they're they don't

engage with you at all so if you go up there and you say you want to play they'll be like you know they'll tell you how much it is and you play and then you're done you walk off i miss that interaction of just like talking trash to a carny and then maybe playing or maybe not but just having that back and forth with them and they're just like even if you told them basically to fuck off they'd be like ah fuck ah, fuck you. I'll take your girlfriend home, man. There was some give and take.

Ah, I miss the good old days. Yeah. You know, I miss squeeze-its, push-pops, talking trash to carnies. Talking trash to carnies. We were at a carnival a few years ago and I brought this up to my wife. And I was like, God, she's not the same. I know. There's nothing.

And you get just a medium personality out of one you're like that's what i'm talking about and all they're doing is like talking yeah a little bit yeah i missed that it's just it took it takes all the air out of it i had one i was i was with my kids and i heard him like yelling like hey you went something for your kids and i just didn't look and he goes, yeah, I guess you're fucking deaf. My kids didn't hear it.

Yeah. But then I looked at him and like laughed and he goes, if anybody out there has ever been a carny, write into the show and tell us some stories

because I know it's just got to be some like crazy, like you're there for that week and then when everyone goes home, what are you guys doing? You know there's some raging shit going on. Wild shit. gotta be some like crazy like you're there for that week and then when everyone goes home what

are you guys doing there's some you know there's some raging shit going on wild shit i i think you and i and our our buddy zach like 10 years ago we were kicking around an idea of like a an office like to show office yeah but you're following carnies yeah do you remember that no oh we went a lot of drugs we went out for pizza and we started talking about it we thought it was so funny we never went anywhere but the concept of just going city to city with these this cast of characters oh yeah just because they're their own reality show yes absolutely yeah it'd be like big brother but be big carny just call it big carny or fucking whatever now it'd be carny grande carny grande um okay um so i never fucked on a giant wheel i just went to go read this more of the

story and there's this huge ad that says toenail clippers for seniors there's two of them it's a giant blue button it says open toenail clippers for seniors why am i getting fed this ad well no my targeted ad is not bad it says make forest a part of your story so what's forests like discover the forest.org that's the one that's a nice one i know you got toenail clippers for seniors just picturing old people clipping their toenails picture them being like comically huge yeah like they're three feet long they're using a grinder huge clippers because they're old it's like a paper cutter yeah fingers don't work uh all right several witnesses including juveniles people who carnies people who were in jail told police they saw every oh i mean children

told police they saw everything and that a couple only uh not only knew others were watching but were laughing about it one of the kids was very shaken up about what she witnessed officer nicole bogard said or wrote in her report adding she told me that it was very traumatizing to her police said the couple eventually admitted it and were both arrested and charged with public indecency the giant wheel opened in 1972 and cedar point promises the riders will be awed by the sights and sounds that only this vantage point can provide i'm not seeing the quote in here but i did read it oh yeah here it is sandesky police said davis david davis and heather johnston both 32 first denied doing the deed on the ferris wheel claiming that johnson dropped her cigarettes and

davis helped davis helped her get them that was a quote well we weren't fucking she just dropped her cigarettes and i was getting them it was hard to get them yeah rolling all over you know cigarettes are when you drop the package and there was like rolling around individual it took me a while yeah it takes a while we're reaching over each other and then like my pants came off uh? My dick ended up in her mouth. That was the whole thing. She thought it was a cigarette. Yep.

I was like, babe, that's not a cigarette. What the fuck is that? What the hell is happening? That's the Knight Rider theme song. That's my phone. Where's my phone? It just scared me. We got a call from Pullman,hington shit spam you're gonna silence it

yep uh i'm getting so many spam calls okay we're different different times we're different talk for different time um i've never done i've never done anything crazy public sex stuff have you but the thought of like think about other rides yeah other rides that you could have sex on what would be the hardest one well it's weird because I immediately thought of something where you're spinning, so like the tilt-a-whirl. Do you remember the Gravitron? Do I? So you're basically stuck to the wall.

So picture that, like someone climbing on top of you, but then the pressure of the person squeezing you and trying to get it on. Pull out, pull out. I can't. I can't. I can't yeah i literally can't i mean you should be on the gravitron we'd be trying to like you try to pull your head off the back of the wall you can go upside down and it will hold you against the wall and then i think

did they all have the slider chair yeah so when it spun fast enough you went up and the floor dropped out uh yeah gravitron be gone tilt the world be good uh for whatever reason thinking about the the slingshot ride is really funny to me oh god the one that you go flying up in the air picture you're in like oh sorry microphone punch the like doggy style or doggy style position and they're just launching you out of the slingshot hold on baby he's just whee he's fucking yeah the guy's going away and he passes out like they always do on that ride so he's out first she's looking back flop it's like away and he passes out like they always do on that ride. So he's out first. She's looking back. Flop. Yeah, flop. He wakes up and it's like right back to him. He wakes up.

Oh, shit. I'm fucking. Oh, my God. It's the best day of my life. Oh, man. I'm having so much. Was it good for you? Yeah.

Oh, no. Was it good for you? I don't know. Bumper boats was another one I thought would be funny. Everyone's just trying to get away with you because you have a different kind of squirt gun. I'd be bumping her boat. That'd be so. Sorry. Excuse me uh and then a miniature golf course but the obstacles were just people having sex yeah it's like a big orgy going on you're trying

to find a hole to poke it through yeah you are you get it hey can you can you lift your leg up a little more no problem no problem they're really reasonable people that I know like we're trying to have sex here but I also realize that I'm in your way I am on a miniature golf course yeah am I having fun?

yes but you're also trying to have fun you deserve to have fun too because you paid money to be here every single call a hole in one

yeah every single hole would have multiple holes wouldn't it you get it ah yeah imagine now let's take it back to the the you're playing

a carny game okay and she's just bent over the table and you're like you have the when you're trying to shoot the baby you're trying to shoot the star off like or like you try to fill up the balloon to pop it yeah or throwing darth throwing down like milk jugs but you're having sex while you do it those games are so fucking rigged. Missed another one. Ring toss. Terrible. Cock ring toss.

Fucking win a goldfish where you're just reverse cowgirl. Okay, thanks. Should we move on? Kirsten. Kirsten Mitchell pledged. Oh, on Patreon? Just fetch her at 750 on... Oh.

Thank you very much, Kirsten. You just got a shout out. You get this. That's all you get for.50 on a... Oh. Thank you very much, Kirsten. You just got a shout out. You get this. That's all you get for that sick ass fucking pledge. Okay, let's move on and take a look at my dick. Okay. We do have some funny petty beef this week to get to. This was sent in by our son Joshua.

And keeping with the Halloween theme, there is a video. And I'm just going to play the video because it covers it, and we don't have to read the whole article. Ready? A local mom is causing some controversy on social media after coming out against Disney's

popular new Halloween movie, Hocus Pocus 2. News 10's Rissa Shaw sat down with the mother who got emotional over her concerns for other families and the media they're consuming. Is she a controversial movie?

Mm-hmm. A worst-case scenario is that you unleash hell on your kids and in your home. Jamie Gooch is a mother of three and the owner of Gooch Family Farms in Troy. I love everything to do with house and home. I believe everything starts here. This time of year, fall harvest is heavily celebrated in their household. But Halloween is not.

It grieves me. The thought of exposing our kids to darkness. Gooch says there's a spiritual war being waged against homes in America. Hollywood is part of the problem. And right now, one film in particular.

The whole movie is based on witches harvesting children for blood sacrifices in a recent facebook post i was a little bit scared when i hit post because i was afraid of the reaction that i would get why because you know it's ridiculous because you know it's ridiculous their kids watch hocus pocus too i believe whatever comes in our tv screens there are things attached to that. I've seen for myself the things that I've watched with my eyes or heard over a TV screen. They become...

And again, I don't want to make it seem like we're making fun of someone with mental illness, but clearly, what the fuck is going on here? A little bit more, then we'll stop. ...manifested in real life. Everybody thinks it's fake and innocent, but they could be casting any type of spell that they want to anything could be coming through that tv screen into your home we have to steer this so she says most of the feedback has been positive but she knows her opinion isn't for everyone and that's okay she says it's healthy to

stir up conversations just not cauldrons how do you feel how do you respond to people who are going to say you're crazy it's just a movie it's all in good fun it has been and always has been then the post was not for you the poster see i hate that world we have gone into this weird world where it's it's not about opinions that's's fine. Opinions should always be heard. Everyone can say opinions. However, you say shit like this, you can't just brush off the other side. That's the problem. So she's like, oh, then it's just not for you. It's like, no, that you just said that stirring up controversy or posting your opinion, you are inviting other opinions back. But when you do that, you you go nah well it just wasn't for you you're shutting down and blocking out any sort of future talk or evolution of the topic that you've brought to the table say that word and it's fucking oh it's maddening it reminds me of the all the book banning that was going on and will continue to go on it's like just how about hear me out fuck off that's like that's it like just think about that for a second uh i want to have a meeting at like a library and just the last remark at the end of it is i just want

you guys to think about this for a second go home uh we'll reconvene tomorrow and we'll discuss this but right now i just want you to think about what if you fucked off see you guys tomorrow because it just doesn't like let people let people watch movies, read whatever the fuck they want. It just doesn't. Well, that only applies to what their beliefs are. Sure. Because they're like, oh, just let me be who I want to be. And then when someone else wants to do what they want to do, no, you.

No, you're not. You're not believing the same thing. That's inappropriate. So this shit, I know that obviously it's something it's i don't know i'm guessing there's a religious twist on this and that's fine if you're religious that's but i want i'm i am i want to i'm curious what else she believes in because if she believes that watching a movie about witches is inviting shit into your home where where are they all the other times like i think it's not allowed in your home if you don't put on hocus pocus too if it does if your tv is

not on and showing naughty naughty scary witch movies are you free of demons is everything everything's all good um like what else do you believe in and then how can you tie that into this it's just it's it's scary it's scary that this is out there how about your household i guess you can tell your kids you're not putting on the movie if that's what you want to do get the what the fuck are you doing just that it has to end there you're not saving anybody's soul from hocus pocus 2 that's the movie you picked out of all of the horror movies that are out there the scary nightmare on el. Nightmare on Elm Street. Yeah, that one, fine. That one gets a pass.

Hocus Pocus, too. Because it has to do with witchcraft. I mean, Frozen kind of has to do with witchcraft, too, doesn't it? Yeah. I wonder if she plays Frozen because she likes the song. I don't know. Because she likes the song. I bet there's a ton of hypocritical things going on in that household.

Well, you know how I roll. We don't need to get into this whole thing, but you know how I feel about religion in general. And my thought is it's all based on hypocritical thinking. But we haven't had a story like that on the show in a while. So I wanted to drag that in there because it fires me up when people try to tell other people how to live every month and i don't think i've talked about this on the show maybe i maybe i have and if i have i'm sorry but um for example and then we'll move on to to petty beef uh last year or earlier this summer

downtown court lane there was the gay pride, right? My kids wanted to go. So me, Aaron, kids, we went down there, some of our friends, some of their kids. And the main reason we went down there, of course, was to show support for people that want to live their lives the way they want to. It was a buffet to you. The biggest part was because there was a group called Gundalain or fucking whatever. Gundalain. Cool. It's not even creative.

Gundalain. So they were going to protest it. This is before the freedom fighters, whoever popped out of U-Hauls. That was a whole different thing. But these guys, they were out there and they had their giant, you're going to burn in hell signs and they had guns and they had Bibles and they're reading verses to this other group of people who can't hear them because the music's really loud and they're having drinks and food and having a great time like a dance party and you just have this shit over there so i made note i brought my kids over to look at

them and i said that is why we're here because she didn't really understand like why like why do they get a parade or whatever um she wasn't like asking it that way but i could tell that's what she was getting towards i was like because they they're not allowed to do whatever the fuck they want because these assholes show up to these events like if we were having a picnic down here or a music festival they wouldn't be here and that like they shouldn't be here for this so that's why we're there and i was showing them that you just have to let people live their own life it's so it drives me it drives me crazy so i think a lot of people think that the the what those people are doing will affect their salvation i know it's just yeah it is uh but you don't want you want to live your own here we go you want you want don't want, you want to live your own, here we go.

You want to be free and you want to do your own thing. But then when someone is being free and doing their own thing, you don't want them to do it. It's a giant. Cluster fuck. Hypocrisy. It is. You either are for freedom and letting people do what they want or you're not. You know what I want to do for the gay pride festival next year in quarterline

i want to get uh wear a thong yeah i want to get a tuxedo right there's gonna be a rainbow tuxedo complete with a top hat and then i'm also gonna have a gun like an ar on my chest i was hoping you were gonna say you're gonna have like a because a treasure chest and a dong no because at this event there was people just walking around the crowd in full military fatigue with guns, like trying to scare everybody. So I'll have a gun and then I'll have a sign that says, hey, you can do both. You can support people living their own lives and you can support guns. Like they're not two separate things. And let's support guns.

Let's be clear here. We both have guns. Yeah. We're not anti-gun people. We're anti-people being assholes to other people. Yeah, that's exactly what it comes down to. Because we are middle-of-the-road people. I support people's right to be homosexual, and that's who they are. And I also support someone's right to have a gun.

And those aren't mutually exclusive. You can do both. I know. You don't have to choose a side. I mean, a part of me wants to do that because I think it'd be really funny, but I also don't want to draw weird attention to myself for doing what is basically a skit in real life. But it's also at the same time- Proving a point? Well, you're proving a point.

You can do all of these things. You don't have to do one or the other. You don't have to be that or this. Because people dig in on one side and then they just fight to the death of those things. You can like both. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway, so that was fun. Let's take a look at some Petty Beef. That was some

Petty Beef. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef Courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef.

Into the courtroom we go, Daddy Brian. We're going to do this case. This is our livid daughter, Julia, who writes, Hey, Daddies. Hey. I got a petty beef I need to settle with my husband. I don't know why. Julia sometimes kind of sounds like a hot name.

Sometimes, you know, like, I bet she's pretty. Your brain, yeah, there's just a tie. It makes correlations with names as you go through your life. Like hot girls used to drive Ford Focuses. I got a petty beef I need to settle with my husband. You see, one of his few chores is taking out the trash. The wording on all of this is beautiful. Like she didn't just say one of his chores.

One of his few chores. Like this motherfucker. And he does a fine job at that. However, he never replaces the bag in the garbage can. He says that replacing the bag is not part of taking the trash out i disagree the part that sucks the most is by the time i notice there's no bag in the can it's because i'm walking towards you with a handful of trash please pull out your gavels and rule in my favor don't bribe us. Your long lost daughter, Julia. I'm with, I, right out the gate. I'm with Julia.

That is, that is half-ass, half-ass job, husband. Whatever your name is. You piece of shit! You have to do the whole, it's like, replacing the toilet paper roll, but you just took the empty one off and then like threw it on the ground. No, I changed it.

It's like, yeah, but you just put the tube on the tube on the no that wouldn't be the same thing i'm just trying to relate to no no no you can relate and i think the relation is you took off the old roll and then just didn't do anything didn't put any the new one back on yeah yeah which that happens so did you replace the roll no no you didn't so that same logic going to a trash that's what you did you took the trash out but you didn't really put it in a place where people could use it again yeah i mean you took the milk out to pour some milk and then didn't put it back in the fridge let me just put it on the counter yeah it's it's half of the way um i even though it's a nice gesture that you're taking the trash out thank you this reminds me of like

your kids doing chores they're gonna suck at it sometimes they'll do a good job probably not and they're only gonna do half of it your husband's a child I hope he's not a big guy he could totally beat me up

but and then the fact that he said replacing the bag is not a part of taking out the trash is such a fucking petty thing to say. No, no, no. That would be, that's a whole different chore, babe.

That's part, yeah. I've got three chores. Taking out the trash. Open trash can lid. That's chore number one. Chore two, use my hands. Third chore, take the trash out. I did my hands. Third chore, take the trash out. I did them all.

Third chore, open the door. Like, these are all things I have to do. I do this for you, babe. I'm doing this for you. And then I put the, I touch the trash can. That's five chores. Yeah, this guy is just, he's looking to expand his list. I want to know what his other, Julia, what are his other chores? I want to know what those other chores are. And how well does he do them? Yeah, I want to know what his other, uh, Julia, what are his other, um, chores? I want to know what those other chores are.

And how well does he do? Yeah. I want to know how well, cause I think that might give some insight to like, when he like sex, sex, drink all the beer. That's one chore. Yeah. Someone has to do it. Well, if he

watch football well there's so many things like finishing the cereal and then not throwing it away and putting an empty box back in like there's those are all kind of in that same realm sloppiness though that this isn't like someone if someone asked you to take the empty boxes out of the cupboard and then you just took the empty boxes out but like i don't know left the cupboards all open or something like that's kind of what this is uh so there is a fine line what does he do for a living i want to know what your husband does for a living too yeah because i want to is he an accountant probably not i feel like he's a blue collar guy i mean maybe but i don't know

what the uh yeah what the what the chore thing is what are the other chores that he does and how well does i want to chime in just for a second with a personal relation to this i some i forget a lot of times to put a new bag in so i will take the trash out i'm like oh sweet i'm doing something i'm taking the trash out look at me look at me go you do it all slow slow motion if you open the door and no one notices you do it again and again until sometimes i'll stand in the doorway with the trash wait for my wife to come around the corner then i open the door like oh right in the middle of it because i can't take it out because if she doesn't see me do it and it didn't happen yeah so that's why i don't refill the trash can because then she it out because if she doesn't see me do it, then it didn't happen. Yeah, it doesn't count. So that's why I don't refill the trash can.

Because what if she thinks that she did it already? But if she goes in there and sees the bag gone, she knows that she always puts it in there. She'll be like, oh, Brian took the trash out. She'll be like, why didn't you put trash in? Oh, but he did take the trash out. Okay, that's halfway there. So now we're having a conversation about me getting the trash well what if she started the hand job and didn't finish it yeah is that a blue ball is that a is

that kind of one of your chores gave her trash blue trash balls trash balls i like the idea of you um like just a weird backhanded compliment about amber your wife like what if she doesn't remember she already did and she doesn't remember because she's a fucking idiot she doesn't know what she's doing half the time but you're trying to be nice in a way it's just so mean but it is so funny if i'm gonna make the bet i'll make sure that she sees me make the bet because she's a fucking idiot yeah and she might forget she did it but she didn't because she's stupid yeah she didn't good because because she's stupid because she's stupid and that's fine she's cute and i love her but she's an idiot

um yeah so your husband i'm just i'm on team julia i don't think maybe i don't technically it is not part of taking out the trash so he does have that but that's a that's a technicality maybe he's a technical guy maybe he's a lawyer yeah he's like no no no no yeah right here it says take out trash nothing else see the keyword here is take out and he's like i mean that is yeah he just underlines it a thousand times that is there is some truth to that when she says hey can you take the trash out she doesn't say hey can you take the trash out and put a new bag in? Because you fucking shouldn't have to. But, I mean. It's like, hey, when we start having sex, can you make sure to give me an orgasm?

Yeah, can you make me cum? You didn't say that. You didn't leave with that. You never told me to. Never told me to. You lured me in by just saying, would I have sex with you? I stopped listening. I never agreed to give you an orgasm see you tomorrow night i never agreed

and then he walks out and throws the condom in a trash can it doesn't have a bag in it like a used condom sticks to the bottom of the trash god damn this guy uh okay yeah i do like that idea though that you i don't really do that on purpose so she knows that i took it out but i love the idea that of doing that like i she might forget and think that she took the trash out so i need to purposely not put a bag in there so she knows that i did it she'll get mad at me but at least she knows i took out the trash yeah that's so funny that is funny but i do legitimately forget to put it back in there sometime i'll take the trash out come back inside kick my shoes off and sometimes i'll just go do something else and forget yeah or something pops up on the way like on the way back like what do you just forget kids ask for

something yep yep or something you're like oh fuck i forgot i forgot to put this whatever away i gotta roll up this 300 pound extension cord and drop it off at the fire department. And then you forget to put the bag back in. Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like when you're like, oh, what was the weather going to be like tomorrow? You grab your phone, and you've watched eight YouTube videos and checked Facebook and all this shit. It's been 45 minutes.

And you've already came twice. Yeah, you've jacked off. And you put your phone away, and you're like, oh, fuck, forgot to check the weather. Fuck, whoops. Okay, let's take a look at something happy. Okay. Ready to do that?

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed. Yeah! All right, sticking with the Halloween theme and the costumes and stuff, I found a fun little story for us. Hit me. Halloween is going to be a real gas for one kid in oklahoma oh earlier this month ashley gray shared a photo in a facebook group for moms for three-year-old son logan dressed as a fart cloud he hugged me after after he put it on and said i'm the best mommy

that was a caption that he's he was so into farts and pooping that he freaked out when she bought him a costume about actually being able to fart. This is absolutely mom of the year vibes right here. One person wrote, another added, love this. Fart and poop are life in our house with our four-year-old, which I can relate to completely. In the picture, beaming Logan is seen wrapped in swaths of brown and green fabric he's also shown clutching a remote control fart machine that sounds like a really bad trumpet player according to halloweencostumes.com where gray purchased the ensemble for 39.99 best 40 bucks he ever spent logan loves potty humor he wants to he wants a poop emoji birthday party. Great till today, parents.

So when I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween, he said a fart. I wasn't surprised. He can't wait to go trick-or-treating. How would you keep a straight face? Oh, yeah, sure. Anything you want. What do you want to be? Fart.

I just want to be a fart. Okay, let's do it. Go the halloweencostumes.com fart cloud and you're like you have to make it smell too so like maybe i know cheese and or one of those you know he it would be it would be mean but great where if you have the fart cloud guy you got the fart machine you also give them like the stink bombs. Remember those? Yep. The glass ones.

So he used to walk around before trick-or-treating, just break a stink bomb. So they open the door and just- Why were those glass? I remember kids doing that on the school bus. Oh yeah. School bus, they'd stomp on it in the hallways.

And then it was, some people didn't throw it, they set it down, they stomped on it. And now it's just on your shoe. You smell, and they really do not smell good. They smell like the fart i just farted you just farted yeah it smells really bad great can't wait for it to get here uh the the uh god damn it yeah how funny it would be to smash it and then and then open the door and that would suck the air from

outside in so they'd open it and just see a little fucking fart cloud standing there with a pumpkin trick-or-treat like oh jesus or you just shit your have him shit his pants and just don't change and then just walk around that's true let's go go for the real realism take the next step i know what that's all about yeah actor method actor yeah no poop my pants oh same thing you're just what that's all about Yeah actor Method actor? Yeah that's what it is No poop my pants Oh Same thing You're just acting

That's what you're doing Acting Acting Alright well I thought That was funny I think it's funny Because I love fart jokes And poop and

Are you Logan? Are you this kid? Reincarnated What? Okay Reinfarnated Ah Come on

Alright found something I get it Found something Gonna show it to you Ready? Alright Okay The internet is pretty wild Depending on your browsing habits Come on. All right. Found something. I get it. Found something. Going to show it to you. Ready? All right. Okay.

The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes. That's awesome. All right.

Internet has fun things. This was sent in by a bunch of our children. They were having a meeting, a little session, and then they all decided to send this in to the daddy's theater. A meeting of the children, children of the corn. That's moving. Remember that one? The children of the corn?

The broom scene? I don't remember it. When they made him put the broom to his chest and jump off his roof? Wasn't that Children of the Corn? Oh, my God. I haven't seen that in so long. He just stood up and then, you know, because they control his brain, and then he fell off and pierced his heart.

Yeah. I remember a story about a kid getting a broomstick stuck up his butt. Yum. That was in Washington State, one of the high schools. It was you? So this was sent in and it's sold out. Sweeping the nation.

This is a story. And I hope that this it's real apparently. Again, you can't get it but you can get it on the waiting list. This is a Velveeta

Martini Kit. Yeah, it says sold out. Yeah, I know. Bummer. But you can get it on the waiting list. Only $50 to ruin your own life.

The description here, unapologetic, outrageously cheesy, must-try cocktail of the summer is here. Hey! Hockey, hockey! Unrestrained pleasure. Encouraging fans to live a life filled with bold, unrestrained pleasure. Velveeta, known for its cheesy, melty smoothness, is bringing its rich and creamy goodness to a cocktail just for the first time ever this is fuck you velveta uh infused it's velveta infused vodka got the olive vermouth garnished with cheese drip if you're buying a martini and it says you know just topped off with cheese. Probably. Hold the cheese?

Can I get the Velveeta Martini and just don't put cheese on it? Please? Oh, you smell vodka? Yeah. Yeah, cheese drip and a cocktail pick. To what? Pick the cheese out of your fucking mustache? This sucks.

I'm sure it's just one of those things where they make something ridiculous. People have to try it. So people, you talk about it. Do you think, odds are, it's actually good? A cheese drink. Cheese is good. Velveeta on its own. I'm not a big fan of just Velveeta. You ever eat the leftover cheese when you're making some mac and cheese in the package?

And you just rub your finger on it when you can't squirt it all out good lord you don't ever do that well it just it sounded really the hand gesture you were doing too we'll make uh we'll make like a chicken and cheese dip with velveta and we'll get chicken and cut it up and put some case or salsa in there and make like a sick queso yeah i eat it like that never really just by itself though especially not in like just a drink like a martini definitely not in a drink i eat a cheese and a glass just that picture alone makes me angry it's like we've had we i think we've talked about this before like i love the taste of bacon and i love eating bacon but i don't want bacon-flavored something else.

Right. Because I want it to chew like a bacon. Like bacon-flavored Velveeta martini? Yeah. But you can, if you just search for Velveeta martini on the internet, it's going to take you to the same website I was just at. And you can get yourself on the waiting list if you really want to give it a ride. And then you can write in and tell us about it, because i'm never going to touch that with my fucking face i can't imagine drinking something that thick that's not a milkshake or something you know yeah it comes with a whole kit like it

doesn't just come with belvita cheese have like the glasses all of the whole thing you need to make it i don't maybe they were only made 10 of them that's why it's sold out they made one and then sold it out for for branding and yeah advertising you can't get it and then we'll release it again in a month bring it back baby okay let's hear from some of our children oh children all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool our first email coming in from our shitty son, Mark, who writes, Hey, Mr. Dr. Daddy Paisley and Brian. Brian.

Brian. Brian. Two stories I thought you'd like that I recalled after hearing the dude shit in the Pringles can. That reminds me. That reminds me of the guy that shit in the Pringles can. Oh, man. You know what I miss? Trash talking carnies That's what I miss

You know what people Don't do anymore Is shit in Pringles cans And fucking shit talk With carnies First story Make America Shit in Pringles cans again

First story So this happened In my late teens And early in my dating career I was seeing this Gorgeous woman Who I still happen to be friends with and have never told her this story so shh well so don't say anything so i picked her

up and we went to a local burger and milkshake joint per her request that's recipe for disaster me being super sensitive to dairy but was trying to appease her decided to test my dietary limits double cheeseburger and a large strawberry banana milkshake later and i'm struggling yeah like i'm i don't do well with this stuff can i get the quadruple decker please with cheese yeah and now we're talking about cheese and shakes like we were like a cheese shake right uh it goes on to say we both had curfews so i drove her home and made it in uh i drove home and made it literally three seconds after dropping her off i have to shit he's dropping his ass off this was non-negotiable situation i pull my truck over and drop my pants to my ankles and start shitting in some random suburban yard in process i shit all

over my boxer briefs so those got removed and dumped into a bush now i still have to wipe so i instinctively drag my ass across the lawn like i've seen my parents on a fancy rug at home then i see the lights turn on apparently someone witnessed the entire act i never left i've never left a scene so fast uh i now will not do milkshakes for a date ever again. Story two. I had an ex who was moving in with me. Hold on, hold on. Real quick. I just picture him doing that and then some guy coming out the door and be like,

you need to take that shit with you. Yeah, like with their dogs. You better not leave those boxes in the bush. I know. I wish that this was in the era of ring camera, because I know that would have made the rounds. We would have gotten to see this. Story two. I had an ex who was moving in with me when I purchased my house.

We had a dog, and she wanted to foster another. I said no until I got the house. Fast forward until closing date, literally 6 a.m. the next day, I have a foster dog. Hooray! Next week or so, I hosted a housewarming party that turned into a riot of a party i'm talking grandma taking tequila shots shit things on fire this foster dog got into a ton of food he should not have ate and ended up shitting what i call a human-sized shit right at the base of my staircase upon discovery i had the immediate thought i myself got so drunk

that i was responsible for this shit said shit to this day we still refer to wild drinking nights as shit on the floor drunk oh my god

I thought you guys would dig these stories and then it says his name I'm just gonna say Mark cause he gives his location too but also didn't want his address yeah

if anybody wants to come shit my lawn I don't check here's a story I don't want you guys to let anybody know anyway it's Mark from it's Mark from. It's Mark from 507.

Mate name, first dog name, teacher name, social security number. Oh, man. First kindergarten teacher. First of my name. First of his name. Mark, first of his name. King of the handles. There's some good shit stories, bud.

Yeah, that's funny. I love a good shit story. Shit on the floor drunk. And they just never get old to me i don't know i'm just one of those people yeah just like shit you have a shit sound effect in there fart no i don't have any farts nope no i didn't say fart i said shit sound like dropping in the toilet no i don't have any of that uh the sound of like inside of a toilet bowl. That's kind of the fart. That's the closest I got.

I guess that'll do. Fine, though. All right, let's read the second story. All right, let's see if I can get through this. You're doing a great job today. I am. I'm not reading too bad. Our last email is coming in From our list

See Our last email coming in From our list loving son Brent Who writes Dear asshole stepdads Okay We're trying our best That's not how you get something read

No Okay But it worked Just because it worked this time Doesn't mean Listen here Listen This is not the right way to do it

But yeah it worked. What does Brent sound... What does that name sound like they do? Brent. Not Brent. Brent. I don't know what he does. Shits in Pringle cans?

His job is shitting. We need to know if these Pringle cans can contain a certain amount of shit. How much shit can each pringle can we're doing a math problem once you poop you can't stop we're doing a weird math problem we're getting sick of like talking about james and how many watermelons he had so we're gonna go with a brent and how many pringle cans full of shit he has we're just mixing up the math problems uh we don't want things to get stale stale all right okay just listen to beaver balls smoking

lottery and pink wig and i just have to point out a couple of things okay because i think we're gonna be idiots oh joe yeah the tear free or is it no tear free see that's tear and tears right oh fuck the tear free tear and tears like oh fuck i don't know shit about fuck the thing is If I didn't know What was coming up next I didn't know Which word to say Mm-hmm Stupid language Joe the tear-free shampoo

Does Refer to your eyes Not tangles Mm-hmm St. Johnson's baby shampoo Yeah It's tear-free Because they

They aren't smart enough To close their eyes To prevent it from Getting in their eyes Mm-hmm You know Because babies are Fucking stupid

Amen Almost Almost Most kids don't really Need to worry about prevent it from getting in their eyes you know because babies are fucking stupid amen almost almost most kids don't really need to worry about their hair tearing tearing tearing is it this time tearing tearing no way yes no way is it really yeah have to worry about their hair tearing with their three strands of two-inch baby hair. Which made me laugh. That's a fair point. Because last week, I did say, I called myself out like I was an idiot because I thought it was tear-free.

But then I thought that was like tear-free because hair. Oh, right, right, right. So he's correct me because babies don't have to worry about their hair tearing with all three strands of the two-inch baby hair. Which, okay. I never thought of it that way. So maybe it was tear-free, but it does still burn your eyes. Tao Che. Yeah, you got it.

Tao Che. You guys definitely read Red Past Tense for C. See, this is my problem. This is what I can't read because I start reading ahead. Next week on the Hooked on Phonics, we're going to have to go to some past tense and words like this. But this is why it makes sense, because I'm not reading ahead.

I'm trying not to. I didn't know whether to say read or read. And if I would have read ahead to see that he said past tense, this is why it's fucking stupid. And we shouldn't read anymore. We should just have someone talking to us okay you guys definitely read past tense version a murder confession from that guy whose childhood friends slept with his wife ah i have thought about that story a lot since then i forgot about a confession with that guy so he remember he was like he's like and i was supposed to feel

bad when the guy all right yeah yeah and then they found him dead in the woods and he was like he's like and i was supposed to feel bad when the guy all right yeah yeah and then they found him dead in the woods and he's like supposed to feel bad then they had to miss his funeral and he had to pretend to feel bad i don't know i mean i hope you didn't actually kill somebody but maybe you did and maybe he deserved it i don't know i'm not part of your guys's argument oh so basically he's saying that that was a murder confession yeah okay he's he's saying yeah definitely was does does he know this guy i don't think so that would even be weirder because that wouldn't be very good he's the accomplice we're putting together like there's going to be a trial salon in six months it's gonna be a crazy petty beef to be an actual murder with us is like it's gonna be like a real show and we're gonna get roped into this whole fucking thing. Just by reading? We broke a story because I couldn't read.

All right, what's number three? Can we change the name of the podcast to Can You Don't Read, Brian? Ha, ha, ha. Fuck you, Brent. Piece of shit. There's more emails that came in today with free links to reading classes. Did you see that? No.

I can't read the emails okay in all seriousness i would absolutely love the show and my i absolutely love the show and my drive home on wednesday is the highlight of my week oh thanks keep on stumbling through the podcast boys your unwanted stepson fucking print piece of shit cock goblin bastard well everybody thanks brent thanks brent you're sending that in you piece of shit we do love you at least i love you more than he does i bring him go suck his own dick what is he what if he's part of the gaggle still what if brent's part of the gaggle can he still does he have any leeway on sucking dick or so i guess he can have a pass uh if you have not signed up or not supporting

us on patreon please consider doing so. I think he owes that to us if he's not. It's the number one way you can make sure that this show will keep going is by heading over to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Three different tiers. You have Silly Goose, Super Silly Goose, Super Duper Silly Goose. You can check those all out, all the different perks and whatnot. Facebook, Instagram, search for Can You Don't Podcast.

YouTube channel, of course, Can You Don't Podcast. Maybe we'll get some stuff on there one of these days. It's been a couple of months. Just waiting on you. I have a job. I have something you want to see on the show. I? I.

Email that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Confession, petty beef, anything that you want to show us your dick, we'll take a look at it. Rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcasts. GIC. Mm-hmm. And a big thank you to the mods of the Can You Don't Playground, the Facebook page community with like 25,000 people who are calling themselves the Babysitters, which is perfect. Babysitters club. Chef kiss.

It really did fall into place. You know, the whole thing. The kids and the playground. A natural immersion. Okay, I have a thought for you. Let's wrap up this show. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh?

Brian. This is not sad. I just want you to think about this okay okay okay without even knowing it you could have made a decision in your past that ended up saving your life oh totally yeah like whatever it is you forgot uh your coat and so you like fuck you had to go back inside and grab it and what you don't know some asshole wasn't paying attention was flying down the road and if you would have backed out who knows could have smashed india do we have time for a really quick story yeah absolutely so i have a thought on that one time we were driving home from uh where the fuck we were twist we're driving through a town yeah it's a real place yeah we're at a cabin and we're driving through a town called bridgeport and so if you're if you're aware

of north central washington there's a bunch of small towns and stuff so we're driving through this small small community small town driving through this neighborhood and there's a husband and wife sitting on some lawn chairs on the front lawn and there's kind of like watching people drive by okay and so we're driving by and i had the window down and i just kind of gave these people a hey wave at them kind of like a hey how are you type of thing and then they were kind of looked like hi and then i saw them kind of look at each other and we're driving as we're driving away and i just started thinking like what if what if we just change those people's lives and so i started making up this whole scenario in my head so like

she's like herb who is that and herb's like i don't know barbara um but he looked a lot like what's his name oh man he's like ah shoot uh let me go grab that postcard real quick that they remind me of so he gets up walks into the house something falls out of the sky splats his chair and he comes back out he's like barbara what the hell and he's like i don't know herb right and then he comes out i saved his life because i waved at him right so if i was driving by and i didn't even wave at him they wouldn't have thought to get up go find the thing her would have been fucking smashed smushed by a meteor by yeah yeah or satellite dish off the roof exactly yeah that was my original

thought it was like something rolled off the roof yeah but then i thought it was like yeah what's the likelihood of that but an asteroid hitting i just realized how ridiculous that sounds um but yes so of course i was talking about how ridiculous is that i think about that kind of stuff all the time small little decisions you waking you walking down the street somebody's walking by and you gave them a little nod or a hey and they were going to the bridge to jump off yeah that's but you change their something about their day that you acknowledge that they existed yeah so they're like i'll give it one more day a little more time their brain was able to rethink some things yeah they didn't kill themselves all you had to do was smile at them and

then they went on and did something even crazier like cooler or they murdered an entire family and then that's also your fault and you could have prevented that if i would have just been an asshole not acknowledged them. Uh, yeah, but I think about that all the time, especially with sports, um, like huge hits in sports.

If like my head was just in a slightly different place, could have fucking changed everything. Me being an idiot and jumping off hotel roofs into pools. Like so many things like, that's such an extreme. If I had been skydiving, it would have been so different. What I'm saying is, uh, there's certain ones I didn't do it. And if I, I don't know skydiving it would have been so different what i'm saying is

uh there's certain ones i didn't do it and if i i don't know what happened if i would have done it i have no idea i just like something i like to do but sometimes it was just too much i was like i'm not doing it but i mean it's as little as like walking over giving your kid a kiss on the forehead and then walking away and then their thought process changes so they don't end up climbing up on a toy that they would have before falling and breaking their back. Like every teeny little decision you make

affects everything. Everything. We are all connected. All right. Well, fun episode today for an episode 19 which doesn't fucking matter. There's no plan.

It's a stupid number. There's no plan. It's a stupid number. There's no plan.