Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Hostage. Monsters. Mariners. Jingleheimer Schmidt.

Episode Date: October 12, 2022

Imagine a world full of food delivery robots... however, they always fall over and scream for "HELP!" all day long. Sounds so peaceful. Let's talk about that, the Mariners finally making it to the post season for the first time since dinosaurs were alive, yeeting your baby into the grill of a truck, singing John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt while masturbating, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/q2ngS8jggKgSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hostage. Monsters. Mariners. Jingleheimer Schmidt. Lucky number 17! Has anybody ever said that before? I don't know, that's Mitch Hanegar's number. Okay, alright, fine. Whoever the fuck that is. Just a stud place for the Mariners. I know. You're probably pumped about the Mariners. I'm really jacked.

Yes. And we're going to talk more about the Mariners a little bit later in the show, aren't we? Yep. Okay. Well, when this comes out, I might be really sad or I might be really happy. That's true. Because this is before the playoffs game. That's right. I'm Joe Paisley and i'm brian oberhant and welcome to can you don't we didn't plan that but it's built into our brains or burned into our brains from our promo that we had to make we shoot those long time ago months ago months ago uh big thank you a lot of

ding ding dings in the email coming in from a new patreon supporters supporters just i don't know what i said uh but you can become a silly goose as well or you can become a super silly goose or a super duper silly goose go check it all out patreon.com slash can you don't podcast link in the episode description um i think we're gonna get back to confessions next week because my god you guys the ones you guys are sending in are so fucking funny we could make a whole show just in confessions send that in along with your petty beefs or whatever else you have that you want to see on the show

and you want to hear our take on it heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com and yes continue to send in things that will help Brian learn how to read because I am getting a kick out of this and it's probably my favorite worse because it's getting in your head well it is getting my head i mean i can hear thousands of people laughing on the other end when i'm reading they're all gonna laugh at you you're dumb i just started going too yeah too fast and i can't get caught

up i swear i learned how to read. But God, I just love it. So keep sending those in too. Because if anybody's laughing, I'm for sure laughing every time you get those in. Before we get into some updates from last week's show. What is that? I got a letter. That's not from a lawyer or something, is it?

No, no. Those are gone. I've already been through all that. This is from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. Oh, even better. Okay. And if you listened to last week's episode, then you have an idea of what I'm talking about. I'm not going to read the whole thing, but it says here, Dear Joseph Paisley,

On or about September 22, 2022, the Seattle-Tacoma International Airport, CTEC, you presented yourself and your accessible property for inspection. During the screening process, the following item was discovered. One, switchblade knife, which I will point out, they put switchblade as two words, it's one. So, government fail. Yeah.

Your possession of this item violates 49 code of federal regulations. Wait, 49 things? 49 code. I don't know, 49 code. 49 rules. c 49 things 49 code i don't know 49 code cfr and a bunch of numbers no one cares of your transportation security regulations uh when i first opened this i was concerned that i was probably going to get in like big trouble uh however what they did is they just they gave me a warning so thank you very much but they took away i cannot do any sort of like tsa pre-check um all my shit has to get checked from now forward until I can test it.

I don't, I don't fly enough at the moment to, to care that much about it. But thank you to the Homeland Security Office for sending that in. And I mentioned that while I was sitting in the airport, I bought a switchblade, a new one, which probably wasn't very smart of me because I was using the internet.

Yeah. I was like, fuck you guys. Because they took it. So I was sitting there and I just bought another one. If they're monitoring your phone, that'd be hilarious. I know. But again, I'm in Idaho, so it's all good over here. They said if I do it again, I get in big, big trouble.

So shame on me. However, I bought a switchblade and I thought I was buying the same one. Do you have your switchblade? Because last week you had it. Okay. Or last week you thought you had it but now you're back. It's attached to my bag. Okay. So there it is. That's the

sound of the switchblade. This is the switchblade I thought I was buying. It has like what a three inch blade? Yeah and it's like fits in the palm of my hand. Okay. So. Closed. Check this out. Oh my god. What? So I accidentally. It's like the size of my penis.

Yeah. Hard. I accidentally bought one that's twice as big. It has like a five inch fucking blade. Look at. Yeah, if you're watching on YouTube. Pop that baby out. Let's take a look.

Let's see. Listen to the sound. Oh, it's got recoil. I know. Let's see mine. Okay. That's fine. And then.

Ah! You can, I mean, you can feel that. I know. That's insane. Let's see mine okay and then ah you can i mean you can feel that i know that's insane let's see your blade is the same length of the whole other the handle of the other knife yeah wow that's a lot anyway so i accidentally bought a gigantic switchblade i'm gonna switch with you switchblade with me yeah you get it you're gonna switchblade uh but that was that was it that was the that's the conclusion of hopefully this Switch Blade saga. Switch Blade saga. That's a good band name. It is.

Or like a sweet movie. Yeah. A Quentin Tarantino movie. Yeah, Switch Blade saga. Serenade. And then we have some updates. Hold on real quick. Okay, go ahead.

I just, because I guess I didn't get this from before. Why did you go to Seattle to fly? I didn't. That's just where the warning came from oh okay so i guess spokane doesn't have a department that handles this shit so for the state of washington i'm guessing the office was based out of seattle for the people that don't know the area i just assumed he was in spokane which apparently was but then for a second i was thinking he drove past the airport and drove four hours to Seattle to fly.

Can you find out it was true? I could save 60 bucks. Yeah. And just to go what? Like an hour south? Yeah. It's a 45 minute flight down to Boise. Four hour drive.

And fly back over. Oh my God. And then you were asking about like pickup fucking protocol for car crashes yeah and we got some emails about that yeah well i got a couple that we can try to read here all right all right hey fuckers hey i'm not entirely sure what the protocol for cleanup is but it seems that the crew sweeps it to the side and fucks off where i live i live close to the road and right in front of the front right in front of an intersection in the six years i have lived here

there have been over 20 acts he's counting them that's fun though that's entertainment yeah i live in blacksburg where a lot of college kids live so texting and driving that leaves the car is getting rear-ended a lot i come home and find debris debris in my yard and drive all the way uh and driveway all the time okay i have to clean that shit up myself often when i get back from doing my fucking job just to do someone else's job it's fun picking out glass from the gravel and grass so i uh so i don't puncture a tire or have a dog injure himself. I have ran out to help multiple times, and I'm afraid that one day I might have to clean up body parts. So please remind the dummies to stop fucking texting while driving. Gotcha.

Thanks for making me laugh, Brady Rhodes. That's a sweet name for talking about car crashes. Yeah, and he, yeah, on roads, yeah, to have it. Have your last name be Rhodes? Just right in there. Okay, so he is on your team. He didn't know basically what happens. He just knows that he has to clean it roads. Yeah. To have it. Have your last name be Rhodes? Just right in there. Okay. So he is on your team. He didn't know basically what happens. He just knows that he has to clean it up.

Yeah. All right. Fine. Because I've driven over shit all the time. And I'm like, did I just pop a tire? Wait, am I stranded now? Hey, what's that? Coffee.

Cool. Okay. Read the other one. Because I don't know what this email is about either. Hey, daddies. Hey. I'm turning on already My husband is on The volunteer fire department

In our small town Of less than 2,000 people In northeast South Dakota That's a lot of directions Northeast South Western Yeah northeast

It is We're all just missing west Northeast South Western Dakota What if she lived In a state called West And she was from

northeast southwest or yeah the town of west that'd be fucking great town of west there you go when they get called to the scene of a vehicle vehicle accident after all the vehicle occupants are taken care of and the police have released the scene they the fire department are in charge of the cleanup sweeping up glass moving large pieces of vehicle out of the way etc i can't speak for a large city or area but that's how we roll keep up the awesome work love love your middle child that always gets left behind at walmart and you don't realize until you've already gotten home chelsea oh sorry about that that was one time chelsea come on let it go i have my hands full i love how they i just love the idea she said of course once the occupants are taken care of, but I love like a pull up.

Bodies are obviously fucked. And it's just someone like being like, sorry, they have a broom. So they don't help out the bodies. Like, let me out. Like, no. And his job is only sweeping glass. Because he's not a union. He's like, no, a fire department does that job.

I'm not open. I'm at the horse on fire. I can't drag their bumper off the road. I guess if the bodies were dead, could you imagine sweeping up like arms and limbs into a pile? Wow. Honey swept a whole bunch of fingers today. Yeah, that'd be a fucking terrible job. Yeah, I don't know how.

Yeah, I mean, I feel like there's a middle ground we should be able to find here, right? Like it does sound like something the fire department would do. Does it? Kind of. should be able to find here right like it does sound like something the fire department would do does it kind of to me it sounds like it's like the washington it's like the department of transportation or something that should dispatch a van out or something like that because don't they do that with roadkill and stuff yeah like uh yeah or whatever dog catcher like that type of job but not dog catcher when he's not busy let's go clean up bumpers no but you know what i mean like a dedicated you don't think a big depending on the size of the city obviously you need a bigger one but yeah i it just seems so weird to just not give a fucking move on i don't know it's weird it's weird yeah it's weird that there's not like it's cordoned off or something like that this is like put it in a pile and at least put a thing like hey don't run this over and just leave it i have another question um i just mentioned the department of transportation

and sending out like a roadkill shit yeah whenever you see like a dead deer or dead animal it's always on the side of the road it's never in the middle do people i've never hit an animal or anything do but do people pull up stop and drag it off to the side and then go out their business wait for someone to pick it up because it's never in the middle of the row it's always on the side yeah it's um i think i've had friends growing up in the mountain towns i don't know how i haven't hit in a deer i feel like i everybody i know if it has hit a deer uh or a moose or a cantaloupe or a bear. It has hit something at least once, but you're right.

And if it's not them, but you're not normally smashing a deer and then just carrying on with your life, right? So you're hitting it, you're slamming on the brakes, and then I guess, yeah, you have to call somebody and you get that shit out of the road so someone else doesn't hit it. But it's not your job to take it. I think it's illegal to take it. You have to get confirmation to take like a deer off the side of the road. You can't just take it. It's illegal. Just cut its head off and take the antlers.

Like, look what I got. Oh yeah, another successful hunting trip. So you fucking throw it in the back. It's always like half zombified deer head. Like, I don't know. It took me a long time to get it out of the woods. Yeah. I went in there and killed it with my bare hands.

You never got with you. Yeah. I just wrestled it. I choked it out. Choked it out. Like a steer. He grew up in the rodeo. Yeah.

He's a steer wrestler. That's what he does. Yeah. All right. Before we get into our question for today, which I am also excited about, before the show, I grabbed some before us recording this show today i went to um one of my favorite spots that was between my house and the studio and that's zips fucking zips man and if you're not familiar with zips you have something in your area that's very similar it's just like uh it's

a greasy fucking gut bomb hamburger situation we've talked about this about every three episodes talk about zips i know zips is just a part of my life. It's ingrained in my culture. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. So, if you've listened, I've told stories about Zips before in the past, one of which that is always one of my favorites. I was going through the drive-thru, and there was a lifted truck in front of me, and I'm pointing that out because it's not just your standard lift. It is the truck that you see it, and you immediately go, probably not going to get along with this

guy. Everything about his vehicle is a fucking issue, and I knew he was going to be a problem the second i got there but he uh i was behind him in line and the teenage worker handed him his food and this is the same guy that threw it back through the window and said i said no fucking pickles and i was like what just happened so that happened at zips today i'm sitting inside uh because i had time to enjoy my meal and i didn't have to eat on the road and uh as i'm sitting down there's a gentleman sitting next to me and uh i think he looked like a construction worker and i knew this because he was wearing like a bright green yellow vest

and he had a tool belt and had a slow slow sign. Like he was in a village people. Yeah. Yeah. It was either construction worker or like village person. Was there a naked Indian close by? He was in the bathroom. He was in the restroom. Okay.

I don't know what he was doing in there. He's using the teepee. Oh, shit. Oh, that's how we roll. That's how we roll. I get it. So he's sitting next to me and I'm enjoying my hamburger. Cheese, no mayonnaise. How could you cheese, no mayonnaise, no mustard.

Yeah. And I know I'm going to regret it later and I already have, but he's sitting there and then all of a sudden House of Pain starts playing like full volume. Oh, like. Here, I pulled it up because I knew we were going to talk about this. You don't know what this song is. I don't know where you've been, but here you go. Come on. Come on. It's just like. boom boom boom here I uh I pulled it up because I knew we were going to talk about this you don't know what this song is I don't know where you've been but here you go come on come on it's just like

it's such a weird sound this isn't it no that's not it this is it there it is let me begin I'm walking

on my own that's a sin I won't get my slack up honk it better back up try and play the rum

and you're the home come on get up stand up come on throw your hands up if you got the feeling throw your hands up.

If you got the feeling, throw your hamburger across the ceiling. No fucking pickles, Prattle. No fucking pickles. So this starts playing. I'm like, oh, he must be watching a TikTok video or something. No, it never stopped. This guy sat there. I don't know if he was watching the music video,

but the entire song played at full volume. Well, he just ate his hamburger and looked at his phone. I'm like, is this fucking happening right now? And it was so loud. Just... Whee! Whee! Get out! Jump around!

Jump around! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!

Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!

Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!

Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!

Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!

Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!

Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!

Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee!

Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! Whee! dipping his fries and just blasting house of pain and it wasn't just like me and him it was it was pretty full yeah and he just had no idea uh did not pay attention to surroundings completely oblivious now was there is there significance to him being a construction worker no i just thought that that was i was just making a joke because he looked 100 like a construction worker he was

wearing every single thing that you picture someone standing on a road like roadside construction doing like you're like oh what i need a costume for halloween for a construction worker yeah like he the only thing he was missing if he was like wearing his hard hat yeah like every other piece of the of the whole outfit was there and he didn't have a tool belt on no but he was like you know he was just like wait what kind of construction so like like road road work okay so not like a frame a house framing no so yeah i guess i should have said that but yeah 100 was just getting back from doing some highway work because you can construct a lot of things yeah you could do a lot of that you can call yourself instruction worker and you're at home building a chair yeah yeah uh but that was it i just thought

that was really funny because house of pain out of all songs i didn't realize was so annoying until i was trying to eat it's funny yeah that's actually kind of oh man you just opened up a can of worms oh the idea of certain songs how they're only good for certain things situations yeah like you don't i don't just sit home at home listen to but if you go to a club yeah and that's playing you're just kind of like you're standing around bobbing your head or whatever or you're dancing or whatever but i'm not annoyed by that music if i'm at let's say a club or something but if i was just at some anywhere anywhere else if i'm at zips eating a hamburger and it's just going i'm blue blah blah i'm gonna be like what the fuck is this playing for

just making some cookies listening to house music i don't know why that's so funny to me yeah what's that uh because they never eat a pig because a pig is a cop. But he got a Terminator, like Arnold Schwarzenegger. If every now and again he's mumbled some of them. It's like, never eat a pig because a pig is a cop. My name is Sega. Sega Genesis. Anyway, I just thought that was funny. Are you ready to get to our opening question?

I guess. That was fun. That was fun. All right, let's do it. Hey, shut up. Start the show. That was fun. All right, let's do it. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Real quick. Yeah?

I was just thinking about how funny it would be to be at a monster truck event. Mm-hmm. And like, here comes Grave Digger. And then Kenny G's like. Wake me up when September ends. Imagine all the people like, what the hell is all this shit what the shit bro uh what's the other with fork in the road what's that my green day i don't know what another uh i don't know the official name of it yeah well i'm terrible at

song title names i can sing every song but okay well i was gonna start singing it but there's no way you're gonna know what i was gonna sing at this at this point you will you will 100 know this one here you go the fuck is around oh yeah oh time of your life yeah this was our graduation song it's something unpredictable but in the end is right I only have the time of your life life life

so there with that at that at a monster truck rally hey you do have a time of your life at a monster truck

that's true this question I don't know it's just straight from my brain and I hope that you find it as funny as I did

would you rather have to ride a bike everywhere oh this is from you. Would you rather have to ride a bike everywhere? Oh, this is from you? Yeah. Okay. Or you have to sing John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt while having sex or masturbating. Oh my God.

And you know how John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt goes, right? His name is my name too. Whenever we go out, people always shout. And it just gets louder and louder and louder the longer the song goes so the longer the sex it starts at a whisper so i've never actually heard this song i've only heard people imitate or sing it i mean it's kind of just like a nursery rhyme or folk tune if i guess if you will a classic a bang true classic uh but yeah i'm sure there's there's clips of people reading But yeah, it starts and it gets louder and louder and louder every time you go through it. So as the sex lasts longer and longer or you're masturbating, which when you are masturbating, sometimes, obviously, easier to get there than other times.

Sometimes it just takes a little bit longer. And in this case, you're getting really frustrated and having to scream John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt, which that visual kills me. When you're already mad, John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt! His name is mine! Thank you! La la la la la la! But you get to start with like a John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt.

And then you're like, okay, yeah, this is good. La la la la la la, John Jacob. And then you're like, okay, yeah, this is good. La, la, la, la, la, la, John Jacob. And then you're just screaming it by the end of it. Yeah. Fucking John Jacob, God damn it. Oh, yeah, or having sex. Could be the best sex of your life by the end of it. You're just like, if you time it right, you get to end it like the perfect, like before it loops.

Yeah. So you can come on the, if you time it right. But if you come like on the people who shout like you don't get it right you're gonna sound like a lunatic and no one wants that you just want to finish your verse um or you have to imagine i'm speaking to the other person that you're having sex with his name what if his name better be john jacob i guess i was gonna say like what are the odds of his name also being jingle heimer smith it's like something close it's like joe joshua jingle heimer schmiedingle heimer dingle heimer smith dingle heimer smith joe johnson dingle heimer smith his name is my name too what are the odds of that the odds this is true love

hear me out i have this thing where i gotta say this and you are the closest to this we're ever gonna get yes soulmates right there or have to ride your bike everywhere which i picture someone you have to yeah you dressed up in biking gear all the time is how i picture this guy but um you know i don't know i always picture restaurants but you have to, yeah, you're dressed up in biking gear all the time is how I picture this guy. But, you know, I don't know. I always picture restaurants, but you're sitting at a restaurant and you can't walk anywhere. It's like, oh shit, I got to use the bathroom. Wait one second.

You stand up and clip on your bike and then you have to ride your bike to the bathroom. Okay. Everywhere you go. Okay. You have to have a fucking bike. That makes it harder because I was visualizing, I got to go to the grocery store or I got to go like on vacation. I was thinking, oh, we're going to Spain. So. When are we going?

When are we going to Spain? Whenever. Okay, let's go. Go ahead. Let's leave right now. Let's get out of here. So like you got to figure out a way to cross the ocean, whether that's you're riding on a cargo ship or you have to figure out some invention to drive across the water basically or be jesus be our be a paddle have a paddle boat bike um but yeah so i was thinking like just that but you mean like

everywhere like if you just get up and walk into the living room you have to ride a bike you have to ride your bicycle but it's just i've for just moving, if you get to sit and you can stand, but if you, sorry, excuse me, zips, zips coming back up. If you're going anywhere, it has to be on a bicycle. So you're getting up to go masturbate and you have to ride your bike to do it. I was thinking John Jacob Jinglehammer Schmidt. That's a funny scene in a grocery, or yeah, grocery store, where you're like, excuse me, ding, ding, ding.

What the fuck? And you just, you know, ding, ding, ding. Excuses. On your left. But trying to carry all this. Anything you do, have them ride and carry. You have to have a little basket on the front. And you can have a little.

They have those little bike trailers you could get by with loading up a baby carrier with some Eggos. Imagine this. You go to like a 5K, like a cancer 5K. And everyone's walking. But you're riding a bike. There's a crowd of people. You're like, excuse me. One other one. Excuse me.

Excuse me. First again. You have to ride through. You win every time. First again by six hours. Hey, gotcha. World record. You could probably break a world record if there's any positive in there for most amount

of time on a bicycle. Oh, true. But yeah, everywhere. Waking up in the middle of the night have to go to the bathroom you're like god damn it banging into the wall so tired if they put you clip you have to turn the light on your bike light on you have a like a lit path a little led lights yeah so as you had a bike in and you dismount off your bicycle um but i mean that's pretty bad obviously everywhere on a bike but i mean john jacob jingle hammer schmidt you're just gonna have to marry uh someone who's deaf that's the only the only way that this might ever work out or have money i don't know what i don't know if a billion dollars would ever make...

You'd just never have sex. You'd be screaming by yourself with a bunch of money masturbating to John Jacob Jinglehammer Smith. I'm sure you could find somebody that'd be willing to marry you for the money to put up with that. Just picture it. Picture somebody... This close to John Jacob Jinglehammer Smith.

Okay, you know what's way worse? It's people like Anna Nicole Smith marrying a 90-year-old, like having sex with a 90-year-old man waiting for him to die to get his money. I'm not sure if that's worse than John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. Okay. Okay. Brad Pitt. Since we always talk about Brad Pitt on the show.

Brad Pitt wants to have sex with you. You have to have sex with a guy. Mm-hmm. is wants to have sex with you you have to have sex with them with a guy brad pitt singing john jacob jingle hanger hammer schmidt having sex with you or a 90 year old man having sex with you but you get his money but he's quiet and you get his money yeah that's gonna be terrible so i don't care how hot you are dude john jacob jingle hammer schmidt is gonna ruin the mood let's get that don't even don't even. God, that sounds like PTSD. And then your luck, you'd never be able to come unless someone's screaming John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt at you. Like that's just a fetish that you would develop.

I think you'd get some good exercise. Yeah, I might have to move some furniture in my house, but I'm going to go ride my bike everywhere. It also sounds kind of funny and fun. Everywhere. Like I'm going going out to the go get a glass of water you just hop on your little bicycle it sounds fun for a while so does john jacob jinglehimer schmidt but you you can lay down at least have sex and jerk off at least you have that going for you i do know that whole thing about like some days it's just

like you just knock you like you start going like wow that was i'm done and now i have spare time and there's some times where you're just like, you're going along. You have to stop. And you're like, come on. You're like sweating and tired. What is wrong with you? But you have to keep going. Otherwise, it's just.

Give yourself blue balls. Yeah, you're going to be uncomfortable. So you're like, now you're not even doing it for the enjoyment. You're just like, I have to. You're proving a point. Yeah, you're like, I just have to get this done now. I have to. This is a task that I must check off my list i don't even fucking want to do this and it was like

after it's over you're just like you're you're just relieved you're not even like oh that was nice uh okay so you're gonna pick the john jacob jingle hammer schmidt that's what you're gonna do i guess you have to do that every time you masturbate i love the idea you will never be able to just uh throw a jerk in discreet anonymously sneak away and throw a jerk because knowing what you're doing because you're singing the song so like the first of it kind of muffled your wife's like god damn it all right because like eventually just starts hearing it just more and more john jacob like through the bedroom door taking a shower like you'd have to sing it all the time even when you're not masturbating just so you can get away with it when you are dude imagine going to like a sperm clinic and they're like you need to

you need to go in there and give a sample and everyone's in the waiting room you're just in there john jacob and you come out and hand over the here you go they're like what the hell was that here you go for john j. Mr. Jinglehammer Schmidt. He's in. And next in line, we have a Mr. Dinglehammer Smith. Whoa, his name is almost your name, too. Get in here, buddy. I get it. Okay, so I'm going to go with the bike.

I'll go with the bike, too. Okay. Like, if it's just a bicycle where you get on go, if you have to clip in every time, like a road bike, ugh. It could be. But it's just a bike, yeah. You could have a variety of bikes for different situations it could have a tiny little like funny clown bike yeah it's just like going to the bathroom well they have those little mini bikes yeah i got a bicycle electric bike does that count

um okay let's move on and figure out what your question i don't know what you're thinking about okay okay hey hey what's up babe what? What are you thinking about? Ah, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Joe, you know what I'm thinking about? Tell me what you're thinking about. I have a feeling it has to do with the Mariners.

You're goddamn right it does. And the Guardians. The Guardians are in the playoffs. The Guardians are in there, too. We've got to say this. We've got to frame this. The time of recording this they could play off start tomorrow yeah which will be almost a week from when this comes out so the mariners could have won the series and moved on or they could have lost but i think either way i'm happy

because they finally goddamn made the playoffs after 21 years god it's such a long time you know and what's it actually makes you really sad because it's been 21 years. My dad and I, we talk about Marys all the time, sports and stuff. And of course, the year that they make it, he passes away a couple months before they make the playoffs. And it's just something that we would have been trying to go to these playoff games together and all this kind of stuff. Yeah.

Anyway, it made me think about how goddamn long ago that was it was 2001 which is 21 years i was a senior i just graduated high school oh yeah i was a freshman or the first half of sophomore year in high school was what i was doing in 2021 that's so long that was almost the 90s i know and we we were uh joking around about this before the show because i feel the same way about the fucking browns because it was only two years ago they snapped a 26 year like playoff like they had made it to the playoffs before but they had never won a playoff game in 26 fucking years and they beat the steelers that year and it was they they finally got that monkey off their back um but that was so nuts. That's like, what, 94?

96? That's insane. That's so long ago. God, who was even the quarterback for the Browns back then? I don't know. I have no idea. I could not tell you off the top of my head. I think Ken Griffey Jr.

Oh, yeah. That's a good guess. Thanks. But also, something happened with tim couch that year too that year they won the in 2001 something happened with tim couch i forget okay anyway i just thought it was funny like how long ago it's been i'm really fucking jacked i'm excited whether they win or lose i want to win obviously i'll go nuts but it got me thinking about like things that happened in 2001, and when you

put it in perspective, so how long it's fucking been since they made it in there. Like I said, it was almost the goddamn 90s. This was like, this was new metal was thrashing, all that kind of stuff. George Bush, George W. had just became the president. Fun, I remember that. Think about how long ago that was. He just became president. It seems like a lifetime ago.

Yeah. 9-11 happened. What was that? Like the phone number was invented? The TV show, 9-1-1. Oh, yeah. Great show. That's what it was.

No, 9-11. Man, that was crazy. i remember my whole dude my entire high school shut down everyone was just watching tvs for the entire day there was no class they made us move classrooms for whatever reason they thought you were gonna you were next i have no idea your high school and like when the periods ended or whatever you they would make us go to the other class but there was never class it was just sitting there we were just watching watching tv did they roll in one of those tvs was it a roll tv yeah the my spanish class did and she was it on telemundo no it was in it was in english think about this it's okay we're gonna watch the news but it has

to be in spanish because we still have to learn that'd be so terrifying what is happening well if joe if you paid attention in class yeah you know the threat you would know how dangerous this is like i i'm sorry but we shouldn't have been talking in class no lo siento lo siento um okay so yeah that was that was weird what else is going on in 2001 um dale earnhardt died fuck remember that i do a crash always bums me out it's like he shouldn't that's when you see you're like how did he die you see way worse i mean i get it now with the safety stuff they had back then but when you see that you're like i've seen way worse and it's like nothing happened

dude carl edwards ended up in the freaking net flipping around pieces flying everywhere he hopped out and had a big smile on his face i know so yeah anyway okay what else happened uh i remember alia do i she died oh my god do you remember uh that alia song it had the the baby voice in it one second bringing it up um i don't remember any alia songs are you are you that somebody you're gonna know this if i this is alia This is Aaliyah? Oh, he's ready right here. Is that really a baby? Yes, it's a baby. That sounds like a synthesizer. Nope.

There's a little baby cue. Baby girl, where's the rap guy? Is this that song? Oh, here we go. Baby girl, I'm the man from the big B.A. What you gonna play? Ride my way. Listen to what I gotta say. Oh here we go Switch play a musical Anyway man I haven't heard that song In so long

So her If you're like Who the fuck's Aaliyah Yeah Well I knew I remember the name Aaliyah I just didn't remember Any of her songs

Okay Adult Swim debuted Still amazing Still love it Still going Remember Anthrax Dude 2001 just didn't remember any of her songs okay uh adult swim debuted still amazing still still going and remember anthrax dude 2001 was a shit show yeah dude everyone's talking about 2020 friggin this okay barry bonds broke the home run record sure yeah well i mean that's relevant because people treat them now like he didn't fucking exist. Yeah. But, I mean, I get it. At the time, nobody knew. Nobody knew the steroid stuff. We were running rampant through the MLB, so I don't know.

I'm sorry. It just made the game more exciting. I know. I've talked about it before. I think there should be a clean league and then a steroid league. If you want to be in the series. For every sport. So you can watch the boring version or the super huge

health risk version I'm watching that one of course we are it'll be so much more fun their careers will be much well if all football players are allowed to use

as many steroids as they wanted let's just see how things go it'd be a fucking disaster an amazing roid rage disaster how many unnecessary

what's it called unnecessary fucking god damn roughness how many calls would that be if you had nothing Droid rage disaster. How many unnecessary, what's it called? Unnecessary fucking goddamn roughness. How many calls would that be if you had nothing but a steroid leak? Do you remember the game Blitz? Do I remember the game? It's coming back. I have it on my Xbox at home.

Yeah. That game, oh, jeez. Imagine a real life version of that where that plays over and you're just jumping and kicking. Dude, they're coming back with that game and you can't do any of that stuff why are they even bringing it back it's too violent oh i know that was like that's the whole point of the game that was the game you tackle somebody and then you everyone would pile on the guy and do you remember how bad the graphics were on that game yeah boxy boxy. Dude, it was so bad. I played it on N64. Gameplay was so fun. It was such a fun game.

You had Michael Vick. You just run all over the field. You just run the Da Bomb was the play. Da Bomb, yeah. That was all you needed. Okay. What else happened? Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring, the first movie came out.

All right. Richard Reed attempts to light a shoe bomb. Remember the shoe bomber? Yeah. Do you remember my Switchblade story? Yeah. Yeah. Wasn't he on an airplane yeah yeah yeah yeah that was i thought if i just brought that up and it had nothing to do with airplanes i'd be like oh fuck me it's like i think that's the guy fucking dick reed dick reed yeah itunes itunes was introduced i know okay um billy that

is so long ago billy eilish was born she's doing pretty well for herself she's doing all right yeah and then uh rounding out the list running out the list food nailed it how come okay i'm gonna say that i'm gonna say this and then i want to have a question about it i'm just thinking about because the way i said it foot and mouth disease is found in the UK after 20 years. All right. So that happened. I just threw that in there for a little fun, a little bit of comedy.

Sure. But then I said foot, but then I was thinking about how come like boot is pronounced boot, B-O-O-T, but foot is spelled exactly the same way except as an F and a B. Couldn't tell you. And it's foot. I know. There's so many of those that make absolutely no sense. Next week, I want to do a thing.

We're just talking about the English language. Okay. And how much it sucks. Let's do it. I'm looking forward to it, because there's so many fun examples out there. I'm going to lose my goddamn mind. That's a long time.

I'm happy for you. I'm happy the Mariners got in. And as we record this, I do hope That they win In advance You know what I want To have happen

Is the Mariners win And the Guardians win And they end up In the ALCS Cause that That happened in 1995 And they were The Indians back then

And they actually Beat the Mariners To play the Braves In the World Series And the Braves won I know It's That was a good...

Who was on... I'm trying to think of who played for the Indians that year. Was that Albert Bell, Kenny Lofton, Tim Tomey? Jim Tomey. Who the fuck else was on there? Somebody else that was really good. There wasn't... Was Johnny whatever from the Yankees? Johnny Damon? Yeah, was he playing for them yet? No. That was later.

That was like late 90s, huh? He played for the Red Sox. He also played for Cleveland for a little bit. Yeah, that was Omar Vizquel. Yeah, that's right. Shortstop, Albert Bell, Jim Tomey. Yeah. Yeah, Lofton.

The pitcher, Charles Nagy. Those guys. No, you... God damn it. Fuck, Tiger Blood. I'm trying to think of Major League, the movie, goddammit. Um, fuck. Tiger Blood. I'm trying to think of Major League, the movie. Charlie Sheen. Yeah.

He was the pitcher. He was the pitcher for the Indians back then. Yep. When did that movie come out? I love those movies. I know, so good. Um, okay, you ready to take a look at my dick? Yep.

Okay, let's do it. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Alright, I'm about to show you my dick want to hear this oh yeah if this if this whole episode doesn't make it to youtube i'm sorry jump jump jump everybody jump jump jump god fucking classic man i tell you what all right so my dick this this article just cracked me up when i came

across it but just because of not necessarily the article itself but the future if this shit keeps happening i don't have to read the entire thing there's actually a video you're going to get the idea of it but a food delivery robot rolls through la crime scene in viral video as confused cops look on so they've shut down this intersection right and and just busting through the like the crime scene tape is a fucking food delivery robot bringing somebody some spaghetti just rolling through uh and it killed god it fucking killed me the robot passes a group of uninformed police officers at the scene of course they didn't like robot didn't call ahead he's like hey coming through some of the cops turned around apparently perplexed at what they just watched roll by

um the crime scene stemmed from an active shooter call so it wasn't like just like a jaywalking thing at a hollywood high school according to the los angeles schools just before 9 45 a.m the los angeles police department responded to a school for a report of shots being fired. In the end, the school district superintendent Alberto Carvalho said the LAPD determined the call was a hoax. Oh,

good joke. And Connie, who the video shows continuing along her route does not appear to have been charged with interfering with police. Oh, so it doesn't say what was in there. The battery hopefully was charged though, but I wish, I wish it would have say what was in there the battery hopefully was charged though but i wish i wish it would have told us because for whatever the the importance the contents of this food

for whatever reason makes it even funnier if it's like a churro like it's just all it's like a taco bell those twisty deep fried churro things whatever they they call them. And that's all that's in there. And like maybe a medium Baja blast and it just rolls through the crime scene. But this was so funny. Tearing the tape down and stuff. I know. Just excuse me. Excuse ease. It will even better if it like,

if it was a, I mean, not better, but you get what I'm saying. There's a dead body in the crosswalk. Oh God. And this thing just goes, excuse ease. And just rolls over like right over the stomach yeah it just keeps going it's just like he just has like a fucking couple slices of pizza excuse me it just rolls right over this dead

person's head if it's like a i have pictures like roomba where it goes up and it stops and it has to keep going going it's trying to find a way around the body. The cops are just watching it. It freezes and puts off an alarm. It's like, weep, weep, weep. I'm lost. Please help. But picturing, I don't know. Reconnect Bluetooth. Yeah, like a live,

not even just an active shooting call, but an active shooter situation, a hostage situation. Serious situation going down. Serious shit. Like there is this crazed guy, and I'm just going to pick, what's his, Liam Nelson, Liamam liam liam neeson liam neeson uh lyle lovett with a machine gun he's in the house with a family and the cops are fucking just put it down

and he's screaming out the window and then connie just me like just comes rolling down the sidewalk excuse me excuse me starts asking for directions do you know where 518 fort west elm street is excuse me officer excuse me johnny five alive it's not our robot excuse me or what if they what if he ordered the food that's even funnier it's as a distraction he just rolls up and like he's like i'm not getting the fuck out of there and he just orders you know a burrito yeah he just gets a nice chicken burrito he gets nothing for his family but has a robot bring him food you would be kind of oh god there's a lot of scenarios where there's an actual family being held hostage and they're complaining about eating you're hungry he's like just fine

i can't just go yeah so he orders that in the robot just let the robot in they're hungry no one get harmed question in the robot or yeah i mean you're uh you're in like an argument with your wife or it's a it's a whole protest and it's heated you got the SWAT team with their shields the riot whatever they're called riot shields um riot control squad on the forget their official name right now because i'm an idiot and then this this little connie robot just rolling through with a hamburger everyone's kind of splitting yeah excuse me excuse me what's kind of funny though is like uh the idea that um well shit what was i gonna say um i went cold i think i just had a stroke i forgot what i was gonna say that's okay

um but going back to the dead body thing a funeral would be funny oh it's a super serious situation like everyone's crying and this robot just comes through me or even way in the background i don't even have to go right through it just like 20 feet behind just through the through the cemetery imagine like imagine like it's in a cemetery though and it goes up and like runs into the casket and it's like going help help help help someone has to someone's like talking they have to break whatever serious thing is going on to help this rope help you help it out and he just like it's like thank you and then like continues on and he's just delivering food to the grave digger that's like a couple couple plots down he's like thank you

he's going on his lunch break yeah he's like thanks he just drops off a happy meal which i did see that mcdonald's is making new adult hot happy meal so that's something really going back with that nostalgia stuff i think uh that must be happening a lot more of those those robots i haven't i've never seen one in action um but i know that they're coming more become more prominent it does it just does seem kind of weird this like this robotic thing and i started thinking about i think it's fucking sweet but yeah when you like uh i would start thinking like bomb or something that's my first thought would be this thing there's a bomb in there or there's a bomb squad and because then

sometimes they have the robots that go in there it's a trojan horse yeah at all times yeah so i mean people are going to take them and fill them with shit and like have knockoff versions and put like bad stuff in it yeah i mean but they would also just do that right now i don't know like you could do it right now if you wanted to see you have a robot into where you want to blow it up no one's going to be like stop that robot yeah that's weird and carry on with their life so i mean it hasn't happened more though because they're probably hard and expensive to build a fucking robot to carry a bomb yeah but if you want to drop off a backpack and then carry on with their life so i mean it hasn't happened more though because they're probably hard and expensive to build a fucking robot to carry a bomb yeah but if you want to drop off a backpack and then carry on with your life you don't have to roll it in there um to be the first person that did that do robot bomb guy oh he's robot bomb guy everyone remembers richard reed it's true and his didn't even go off he fucked it he wasn't even good at what he was doing and we remember his name

uh timothy mcveigh this sweet well he actually succeeded he sure did uh yeah but i'm not scared of the robot thing i think it's gonna be great but i do love the idea of if these robots did get stuck and he went help help uh like a little fluctuate but that's all you got we got you gotta help help get help help and then there's multiple like like birds yeah there's so many in your neighborhood he's help help help help they're all chirping help like they're flipped over they're pouring like cheese like queso is pouring out some of the slots help help help god damn it we need to build a robot that goes around and lifts those things and helps those things. Thank you.

You're welcome. Help. Just your whole neighborhood. It would be shitty. I was picturing like a park, like a giant park. People are sitting in the park wanting to eat and they're having all their food delivered to them. Yeah.

So there's 10 robots out there all flipped over and then there's robots that are sent out to pick up the robots up and they're falling over he's like oh just this cluster shit it's so funny help help you hear these super faint cries of help like in the woods help well and then it's so like like if you if you order like you order an uber and there's a gps so if you're waiting for your food and just think it's just it's just stopped like what the fuck is this robot doing it's a happy face and it's a sad face god damn it makes your phone go like help help send help save burrito i've got your burrito i just need a helping hand oh that's great um all right let's take a look at at uh

at your dick okay please whip it up buddy what you got what you got what you got all right this was sent in by our food fetish son gary oh thanks gary so he he sent us a link to a thing they're called pussy flavored potato chips. Oh, alright. First, gut reaction is no. Second reaction is alright, I'll do it. Right out the gate, I was like, that sounds terrible. But the more I think about it, how bad could it be?

What's the consistency? Are you going to read a little bit about this? Should I just wait and listen to you? Let me rephrase that. Are you going to try to read a little bit about this should i just wait and listen to you well i are you why should it let me rephrase that are you gonna try to read a little bit about this i actually got it i closed the window to it oh and i can't remember i'm opening it over here where it is now it's made by a company called chaz of course it is yeah because if there's any there's some chip company it's gonna make a porn star guy fucking chaz chaz mcgee baby chaz johnson there was a guy speaking of chaz i believe it's the new

domer show that everyone's watching one of the characters in the he's a dickhead and his name's chaz i was like of course it is um but if chad wasn't douchey enough chaz chaz baby c-bomb according to c-bomb according to past year's research data around the world, millennials are having three times less sex than their parents at the same age. It is unbelievable that someone is choosing social media instead of live communication, dating, or real sex. Chaz's team is young, bold, and socially responsible. So we took the disastrous trend very personally. Personally.

I got dentures for a second. All right, personally. socially responsible so we took the disastrous trend very personally personally it's like i had dentures for a second all right personally we decided to draw everyone's attention to it and thus contribute to solve the problem this is why we came up with the idea to create a first in the world pussy flavored chips uh it says the taste is brave and it's for brave and free people after tasting it you'll remember your wildest love adventures your first real love and maybe even lose your oil virginity okay are they made with yeast at all yeast uh right sure because i've thought about this you have regular ones and you have yeast ones is it gluten-free if you if you're eating out a woman with a yeast infection that's a good question i think it's, I know it's going to be messy and probably not very fun. But I don't know technically if you're going to be able to be gluten-free.

You have like a physical reaction. Could you imagine something like. His face swells up. You're like, you want to get down there and munch that? He's like, sorry, I'm gluten-free. Sorry, I'm gluten-free. What do you mean? Look, take a picture.

You're like, show her. It's like, look, look at this. Did you not know you had a massive yeast infection? How did her it's like look look at this i did not know you had a massive yeast infection how did you not know this look at this you zoom in on your phone look look you do like you're like oh okay fine you do like a portrait shot like the fuzzy background like can you look right here look at that bokeh look at that right there uh pussy flavored chips so i get that it's a joke but i am curious on how close they do taste and i know that that taste varies from person to person i know that much how clean it is or

sure um but i no no would you try it would you eat these pussy chips i mean uh if given the opportunity i might just try one see how it tastes here's my thing with with uh with food and the flavored stuff i know there's a lot of people that like um you know chicken wing flavored chips or um what input whatever food that's tastes like a chip or whatever or or chicken flavored crocks or yeah or they're like or bacon flavored drink oh yeah there's a yeah there's a mustard soda i love fuck yourself i love the flavor of bacon but what i also love about it is the consistency the consistency you get with bacon if i'm just drinking the taste of bacon that sounds awful it does sound terrible so if you're if you're munching on it if you're

chewing on something that doesn't taste like it should then it's weird i get like a weird psychological thing with that so maybe if it was like a popsicle and you're licking oh then it tastes like vagine maybe that's better but the chomping of a chip yeah it's not the way it's supposed to be yeah i don't know i'm curious to see how close it is. But that is funny you bring that up, but just other things that are flavored for things they shouldn't be. That is funny. Imagine other body parts,

like you have a foot flavored popsicle or ice cream or something like that. Yum. So it tastes like your feet smell or something. Oh, man. And I don't, and this is on me, I get it. I don't know. I haven't tasted enough feet to really have a palate for foot so if you made a foot tasting popsicle whatever it tasted like i'd

be like that that's a foot because i don't know i don't know something is a foot something's a foot here something's off this can't something smells fishy this can't quite put my toe on it can't quite put my toe on it what is this what about a taint flavored burrito again uh i'm just not experienced enough in the taint department to really compare uh because there could be two companies making a taint burrito and like this one the best in the biz and then was like we have the best in the biz and if i'm tasting both taint which one is most authentic i don't know i need to i need to go out and explore and like some more tanks oh you know oh god i just thought of like a a drink line let's say let's say it's called taint or ball or penis whatever it's called the body part yeah but then the the the iterations of the drink it's like after running oh uh freshly shorn lifting lifting um uh out of the bath or whatever drunken sleep it's all these

yeah all these different things it's the same based on the same thing it all tastes like taint but they're all a little bit different based on what you just did yeah like taint and then it just says like after butt sex or like butt stuff so now it's what that's called butt stuff what the taint would taste like after can i have a uh let's like ordering a diet coke or you mix them too you're like you know what you need to do oh my god butt stuff and drunken slumber dude so you know like those do it usually go when you go to a gas station and it's like slice root beer and you go suicide or whatever they call it yeah or or just like coke you like i want a vanilla coke or a

cherry coke or raspberry coke so taint is the base thing and then everything else is you know i want to add a little taint i want to add some foot fungus all that kind of stuff it's like those gross jelly beans but in liquid form and for whatever reason it makes it even worse and i absolutely hate it uh all right well those are out there so if you want to go buy them you can buy chaz's pussy chips so you know christmas is just around the corner yep so take a look black friday sales let's hear some let's hear for let's hear a case okay i figure some stuff out for petty beef this week all right all right silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard

and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. All right. You ready to get to our case for today? For Petty Beef?

Okay. Sent in by our forward, future-thinking daughter, Aubrey. She's so bright. Mm-hmm. Future's so bright. I love you both, but I'll get right to the point. I like that. Like, yeah, there's some love here, but let's just get to this fucking bullshit. Let's not waste any time.

Yeah. My husband enjoys playing video games and I'm cool with it. I even find some of them fun to watch. His controller is wireless, but it's always plugged in. And I've tripped on it more than a few times i keep asking him what's the point of having a wireless controller is or what the point of having a wireless controller is if it's not wireless he says that he only has the one controller and he has to keep it plugged in i call bullshit what say you your correct daughter aubrey good point but Aubrey. Good point, but I am kind of with the husband on this one.

Oh, shut up. I don't do this anymore. I have a wireless controller, and I use my wireless controller because it's fucking wireless. However, every single time I'm done with the wireless controller, it goes back in its little case so that it charges itself for the next time,

so it's always ready to go. It hasn't always been that case and as the controllers get older and older the battery does not last as long so if i am fine and i don't feel like sitting on the couch you're like fuck you want to stab me in the neck right yeah i have this handy well look what i got i get your neck before you get it uh no but controllers go bad so if i was not super adamant on being able to relax and sit back on the couch what's the point i would sit because the battery was if it died i don't have a controller anymore no what's the point of not kicking back and playing a video game you're gonna sit uncomfortably on the floor no but i'll sit on i'll sit in a chair or on the coffee table so that the wire will reach because if the controller goes out my whole night of video

games is ruined i guess i could you could just get up and plug it back in and be like okay i'm gonna start on the couch but then once this controller dies mid-game and i get mad about it then i'll go deal with it and plug it in and sit on the coffee yeah and i've done that but i think you just have to be better at when you when you leave then i plug it in and sit on the coffee table. Yeah, and I've done that. But I think you just have to be better at, when you leave, then I plug it in, and then the next day you're ready to go, and then it's plugged in. And think this could be a very quick case for us. But Aubrey, with Christmas coming up, I'd get the pussy chips, okay? And then just tell us how they are.

And the other one is get a controller or charger. They make a rack. Oh, yeah. When you're done, you put it on there and it charges it automatically so it will always be charged as long as he just puts it back on the little controller mount whatever a bay whatever it's called a base charging base but it'll rest it it'll hold it and charge it so that's a great gift because then you'll stop tripping over the controller and he won't have to worry about it because every time he picks it up it'll be fully charged yeah you were kind of going where what i was just gonna say so i think she

needs to take it into her own hands you get something like that so and if you're sitting down there watching him play video games you're tripping over the cord if you're already down there you just need to tell him when he's done make sure to throw it on the charger even if you don't buy one of those racks you say make sure you get it on the charger and then when he the next day when he goes to play it's all charged up ready to go and then when you know he's down there playing a video game so you could remind him hey make sure you put it back on the charger so that's how she could take it in her own hands and make sure that he's charging it or he's a grown-ass man and he should know that he needs to charge his fucking controller. I agree with you, but you can't always count on...

That's the whole... My wife always forgets to lock her car. We were just talking about this. So what I do is I go and make sure that it's locked. So instead of me nagging her to make sure it's locked and her hating me and resenting me for doing that, I just make sure it's locked myself so then I don't have to nag her to make sure it's locked in her hating me and resenting me for doing that i just make sure it's locked myself so then i don't have to nag her to do it and wives do that kind of shit all the time and husbands everyone back and forth so to limit her stress and her tripping over

he may not change so she's got to do that you need to change if you want this marriage to last or i guess whatever it is that's the whole, right? Like if you have a problem with something, you can't always expect that person to change. You have to change your expectations. Well, what is, okay, and Aubrey's watching. What is she doing walking in front so often to trip over the cord? Yeah, because that would piss me off too. Sit the fuck down, Aubrey. I'm trying to play a game here.

Trying to play, what are you doing? What do you need over there right now? Yeah. And why are you walking in front of her? Are you doing it on purpose to get in his way and make him mad? To prove a point. Prove a point. You being dramatic?

Yeah, you being dramatic, Aubrey? No, but just get a charger. Get a little charging stand. It's going to save everything. Or just tell your husband to fucking remember to plug it in. You know what I love? He has a weird... He just has one of those weird fears where he's always scared of something being dead.

I get that. I totally get that. I have two little kids. And before I actually did go out and get that i have two little kids and before i actually did go out and get one of those tower chargers before we did that the controllers were dead all the time and so i would have to go kids would play i'd have to go down there and plug them in and they'd be sitting right in front of the tv so i get that but i i came up with a solution to do that and then made sure that they put them on the charger so that's what i'm telling her to do because then it solves it solves your own personal problem with it even if they don't

fix themselves you could bait him with stuff too i mean you could be like hey no sex if i trip over this wire one more time no more sex for the rest of your life like keep it simple at first right and just and just threaten with no sex ever again. That's where you start. And we'll go up from there. More violent things. Like I'm going to stab you in the neck. That's maybe next after the sex thing.

But yeah, you could have a little reward system for him. Like, good job. You used your wireless controller today. Here's a Dorito or something. A Dorito? Mm-hmm. Just a single. Here's a pussy Dorito.

Here's a pussy flavored Dorito. Aw, thanks, babe. Shouldn't babe shouldn't have shouldn't have really shouldn't have this is disgusting knock it off this is terrible uh he would like purposely never unplug it if it was the reward was a pussy flavored dorito chip i think we need to create a show that's basically like like that wasn't there a nanny show where she'd go in and teach the people how to be parents? Oh, yeah. Or there's like the dog whisperer guy. Mary Poppins? We need to start going into married couples' houses and setting them up. For success?

For success. Like, oh, here's what you got to do. Trust me. Dude. It's like one of these house shows. Oh, yeah. But it's like we do it for relationships, and we just give great advice. I feel like my credibility is ruined.

I could be on HGTV. All right. You have to do this one alone. Or you have to find a new partner, because no one's going to trust me with this advice. Well, that could be the thing. You have perspective. I know what you don't do. That's good.

Everyone needs perspective. All right. Let's look at some good news, because we weren't able To get to this last week But it is amazing Okay Okay So you're telling me There's a chance Hooray

We are doomed Yeah With Halloween coming up This story is sad But you know Also shows that There's good people out there That don't only think

About themselves Here's the headline It says Young boy With terminal brain cancer Gets his wish granted as community Celebrates Halloween early So unfortunately

For this young boy he's got terminal Brain cancer But Halloween came early for the Crown Point community In Hamilton, Ontario, Canada This year as residents whipped out their scariest Outfits to throw out early Halloween parade For one very special boy Young Alexandros

Hartikas, watched with wonder as his parents, Nick and Kyra, carried him past witches, zombies, Ghostbusters characters, English Bulldog Ruby from the Paw Patrol, and a lot more decked out folks on their street last week. According to the CBC, the early Halloween event was organized in honor of the five-year-old Alex's wish to see monsters and visit a haunted house before brain cancer claimed his life so they get candy or i don't know it didn't say i'm not sure if that's that's part of it but i just see the other kids going yeah he got a parade yeah how come i don't get a parade mommy no parade it's just i mean it's it's

sad to go on uh as the cancer progressed you know went from like maybe a chance to completely terminal um but i love when the community sees something and you just hear a five-year-old be like i want to see monsters and go to a haunted house and then everybody in town is like fuck yeah you do and they do this for them and that's just you know um that's what this segment's all about is bringing in because it's all you know it feels like it's all bad shit, but it's not. There's a, and sometimes there's bad stuff, but also, you know, a silver lining of bringing a community together, uh, like it did on the story right here.

So just want to bring that in. You just hear about these little teeny kids dying of cancer and stuff. And it's just, I know it's the, they never even had a chance to get going. Then you've got these skis bags just out there living their life doing everything they could do to get cancer and die yeah and they make it to 100 yep i know and then you have a kid that just wants to have a halloween party i know wants to see some monsters it's like fuck um okay well we did find something or i didn't find something funny but one of our sons did i'm gonna show that to you right now you ready bro the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits

you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome Alright, this was found by our silly son, Danny. And Danny, he's so gosh dang silly. What a little whippersnapper. Whippersnapple. Snapple? Sorry. So, if you go to Facebook, the page is called Your Childhood Ruined.

So you may have been on here, but what they do is they make funny, basically, book covers. And they look like they're classic books that we all would have gotten when we were kids, but they have funny, basically, book covers. And they look like they're classic books that we all would have gotten when we were kids, but they have funny titles and pictures. So you have to thumb through these, but some of them, like the one I see right now, it has like a Dr. Seuss book with some clouds, and it says, solid, liquid, or gas?

What will come out of my ass? Clean up your shit. And it has the Berenstain Bears. This other one just has grover sat in the randy it says fuck my life and then instead of saying sesame street is saying things will suck if i grow up uh let's shit in the woods because has a bear so it just takes like these funny books or these old books i think they might be actual titles of books and then tweaks them into other ones the long and treacherous path to mediocrity and then

there's a little bunny rabbit that says you're fucked uh obviously a space book and it says you're the biggest piece of shit in our solar system eat my thoroughbred asshole oh man it's so good so uh yeah we can sit here and read them all uh i'm too busy not giving a flying fuck about you this has big bird skipping Big Bird skipping through the woods. Who the fuck mixed papers and plastics? It's a book about recycling. So anyway, we could go on and read these forever, but we're not going to. But Danny found this and we've been trying to get it on the show for a while. So it's on Facebook and it's called Your Childhood Ruined.

Go and check it out. All right, we're going to hear from... That's pretty funny. I know, there's some really good ones in there. Doesn't my anal discharge smell healthy? Okay okay let's hear from some of our kids you ready to do that yeah okay my neck my back my pussy will attack all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Brian! We have a physical child-abusing son, John, who wrote in to the show. Oh, it's not you?

No, not me. Okay. Not this time. Says, hey dads, while we're on the topic of child abuse, that's such a funny way to open a letter, I need to share my story. One of these warm summer days, we decided it'd be fun to play with water balloons. The kids were having fun just throwing them in the air

and watching them pop in the driveway while my wife and I threw them at each other. After a while, we gave the kids popsicles so we were all hanging out enjoying them. I watched as our puppy, Scooby, snuck up behind my one-year-old son and I knew he was going to try and steal his popsicle. I guess he yelled, No!

Scooby snack. Yeah. I guess he yelled, no, as loud as I could and threw a water balloon at him as hard as I could. Uh, well, it turns out I don't have great aim because I blasted my son in the face. He fell to the ground, crying,

soaking wet and Scooby made it off with the popsicle. Scooby. Anyway, love the show guys. Keep up the good work. John, that is fucking classic dad move. Yep.

Yeah. Just 100%. Just the whole situation. All you did good work. John. That's funny. That is a fucking classic dad move. Yep. Yeah, just 100%. Just the whole situation. All you did was make it worse. I just love the visual of you doing that. It's one thing that you hit your kid in the face, and now you're doing that. But then you just see the dog trotting off with it. Thanks, you big dumb idiot. I just picture Gary Busey walking down.

You see my little dog? Scooby! Scooby! Okay, so this next one is coming in from our snitchiest daughter, Katie. Telling on her.

A little tatter tale. Just listen to the latest episode and the story of the listener yeeting his two-year-old baby into a snowy parking lot reminding me of

my husband's bad track record of keeping our kids safe. Okay, I remember this email now. When my daughter was two, she fell backwards off of a slide and broke her collarbone. My husband was watching her,

or actually not watching her when it happened. She was fine, but he beat himself up over this for months, and that was incident number one. He just started punching himself? He's like, you're such a bad dad! Three years later, he was watching our six-month-old son. He wanted to take our son to the garage with his playpen so he could work on his truck while

he was babysitting if it's your kid it's not babysitting but that's still funny so he was and uh he so he has a fully assembled playpen on one hand our son in the other hand and he steps down onto a concrete step leading into the garage and by steps down i mean he completely misses the step trips on his own flip-flops drops the playpen and catapults our son in the air the baby hit the front grill of the truck and then bounced onto the concrete floor of the garage god and it says he died three days later jk it was fine what if that's where it ended yeah he died three days later love the the show, guys. We changed the thing. Five stars. Three out of five stars.

First time listener. Or first time caller, whatever it is. Baby's fine. After the EMTs and firemen checked him out, they told my husband the babies bounce really well. Like, really, really well. The ER doctor told us the same thing. What a weird thing.

They can bounce back, is what they... They're rubber balls. Those fucking babies. That is pretty funny. He's like, like oh you know babies you know babies they bounce like a bouncy ball you throw them down

they just bounce they keep bouncing he's like here check this out and just throws your kid he's like yeah look how bouncy this is I'll prove it to you

prove it to you it's like a little meter he's like watch your baby bounces one foot up he goes told ya it's a bouncy ass baby my son is now could you imagine

if you went to the doctor and they had to do a bounce test bounce test his ears look good yeah he's like ah ah can you say ah and then okay one more thing and he spikes your baby Can you imagine if you went to the doctor and they had to do a bounce test? Bounce test. His ears look good? Yeah. He'd say, ah. Ah. He'd say, ah. And then, okay, one more thing.

He spikes your baby into the floor. And then he goes, now, normal baby, like the bell curve. Oh, he's sick. It's like it should bounce to here, but you're the 1%. You're the 1%. Your baby bounced 10 feet high. A lot of air in that head. It's an elastic baby.

My son is now coming up on two years old, and he has a lazy eye and a speech delay, which we teasingly blame on my husband for bouncing him like a basketball on the garage floor. Which, I mean, the pediatrician says it's not connected, but I'll never tell my husband that. That's so funny. Like, the idea that you keep doing that. Like, God, if you wouldn't have dropped the kid, he wouldn't have a speech impediment. Dad, stop. Stupid dad.

And so every time that he does it, he just beats himself. You ruined God damn kid. he wouldn't have a speech impediment so every time he does it he just beats himself you ruined like those guys those people that like um they do the jesus thing where they uh oh like swatch their own back yeah the what's that called when you're i don't know hurting yourself thing uh self-mutilation catholics do it don't they i think it's i think it's called the way it's supposed to be it's's called the correct way to praise Jesus. That's what I call it. Is that what you do?

Self-inflicted righteousness. Well, I single John, single Emeril Schmidt. John, single Emeril Schmidt. Jesus, Jacob. Jesus, Jacob, Mary, and Joseph Schmidt. All right, so you have a couple, you have an email. What do you want to read for us? That was from Katie.

I don't know if you said that. Yeah, yeah. Okay. So we didn't really have any, well, at the time, we didn't really have any dick content in here.

So I figured I'd toss it in. This was sent in by our Balls of Steel son, Alex. All right. Let's see what happens here. And this was based on a previous show, either last week

or the week before. Speaking of getting your dick hit by shit, this one happened to me about five years ago. I was heading home late at night on my street bike. I was going about 45 to 50 miles an hour when this asshole decided to cross the highway. And by asshole, he means a deer. Amazingly, I didn't wreck, but unfortunately did not walk away without a scratch the dent on my gas tank was made exact by made exactly by god damn it the dent on my gas tank was made by exactly what you think and so in the picture they show it's like a circle or in the gas tank um god that

would hurt i've never experienced a pain like this before, and I hope to never again. By the way, you guys are going to keep, you guys are going to be stepdads, stepgranddads. Me and my wife just found out that she's pregnant with our first child. Yay!

Super excited to be a father and hope I can be the best one I can be. Fucking love you guys. Here's some pics of the deer and the bike. And so, yeah, the bike is fucked up. But he killed the deer. Well, yeah. Fucking killed his dick, too.

And then it's just the impact that your dick would need to make to put a hole in. He said it was swollen and purple for two weeks. Like, that's a dick into a gas tank. Yeah. Like, I don't have a lot of experience with feet and taints and dicks into gas tanks. But, I mean, that's it. Everything else, I'm jack of all trades except holy trinity those three things weird things yeah uh but that just seems that seems so painful

god alex i'm glad that you got to keep your junk i mean to ship it away it's one thing it's one thing to yeah i mean like i say this every time we'll put up on social media and then i never do because i'm fucking terrible at doing it but the picture it's a gas tank and gas tanks are they're not like super super strong but it's still made out of metal you know and there's a dent where his kaken ball fucking ruined it dude no one's ever tried to fuck a gas tank till that moment yeah now we never will because apparently it's not especially if you're going 50 miles an hour don't try to fuck your hole in your gas tank um okay well that's our that's our show i thought that was a pretty fun show had a good time in here yep um again thank you to everybody who has become a part of the gaggle you can find

a link in the episode description or go there directly if your brain can remember this URL. W-W-W. HTTPS. Backslash. Colon. Forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Can You Don't Podcast.

Mm-hmm. And then as soon as we start doing anything with our socials again, you can find us on Instagram and Facebook at Can You Don't Podcast. And of course, we've got the YouTube channel. Sorry if this video doesn't make it to YouTube

because of the fucking songs we played, but I mean. It was worth it. It was totally worth it. You know what you can do as a, you can do year-long

Patreon stuff now where like, if you don't want to have to worry about paying every month, you can just pay up front all year. And you get a discount. Yeah, you get a discount

for doing it for the whole year. Which is, I think, just do that in celebration of this Rock shows here In Japan Have people shaking My hand

Baby girl Better known as I love to give you A buck and I think I think Bigger than haters But leave But leave

Don't you go But Oh we still need to Put a thing in there Like some Milestone stuff That's true When we hit 200

We need some ideas of what we should do. I like it. We'll do that. Head over there and support us. It is the number one way that you can make sure Candy Don't keeps going.

Sending in those confessions. Again, we'll do a confessions next week. We need a producer because Joe's computer sucks and he has to edit. I have to edit all these episodes.

And yeah, it takes a ton of time. So please, get us on Patreon so we can hire somebody. Please. Send any emails, confessions, petty beef, whatever to heyguys. Hey, canyoudontpodcast.com. All right.

I have just a thought for you on the back end of the show. You want to hear it? I guess. I guess so. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I've had this thought in the past, but it's a while and i just came across it again i just want to ask you a question everybody out there brian kids tell me what's going on with this how come airports don't have small movie theaters for

layovers oh that's not a bad idea portland has one oh it's the only one i know of portland has a small little movie theater but you could purposefully find layovers in places just so you could go watch a movie have good have baller releases like all this stuff um and there'd be showtimes obviously like you'd have to walk in on sometimes movies are already playing because you're not going to get there all at the same time um you could have a couple different bays, little theaters, and play some movies for people. Well, I mean, based on food, drink, you know, the whole thing. Based on that logic, you could say why they're not clowns or why they're not like a magic show.

Yeah, but movie theaters is actually practical. I'd love to sit down and watch a movie. Magic shows are actually practical. They're not. Fuck magic shows. Over a movie theater? No, you said is. I was saying are. Magic shows are actually practical. They're not. Fuck magic shows. Over a movie theater? No, you said is. I was saying are.

Oh. Movie theaters are practical. Gotcha. I was just trying to give you shit based on the joke earlier. Yeah, I mean, shit, put a magic show in there too and then maybe you got something.

How come all airports don't have roller coasters? That's what I have. Room. Oh, yeah. Who's that too? I've always thought that it'd be weird. I wish I lived in a world where you who's that too i've always thought that it'd be

weird i wish i lived in a world where you could get to work in a roller coaster that'd be pretty sweet a whole town that it's a thriving economy but it's also happens to be a theme park well i mean they have they have trains i know but which is basically a roller coaster a super lame one voice roller coaster train that has a huge drop just do a loop or corkscrew in a fucking train um people vomiting all over the place no but think about that how much fun would it be because i know disney's making these themed neighborhoods have you read about that where like the whole thing will be a toy story neighborhood and you can move in and everything's

like a normal families live in there but it's it's themed like so it's like a suburb that's like lego sub Cinderella yeah whatever so why not a city that just was a you'd be walking down the street like I guess I got time to do a fucking panic plunge or whatever like it's just it's not they're all spaced out throughout town you don't have to wait in line for anything you just go hop on a roller coaster and take off like oh that bar's on the other end of this roller coaster and you gotta get on

and it takes you over there I get how exciting that would be but good god be blessed the work that would go into that and the planning

yeah imagine being the city planner for that probably get excited though like this is something different yeah and not just finding

a place for a library and it'd be hard not to have like flying things off the roller coaster kill a bunch of people in the streets but that's i'm a that's a risk i'm willing to take i mean we the population is too high anyway it's true take people out with pennies for roller coasters that's what i always say all right guys that's episode 17 we'll see you next week be good kids