Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Hot Peppers. Best Friend. Lock. Fingerprints.

Episode Date: May 27, 2026

Ohhhhh the joys of parenting. Nothing really brings a father and son together like completely shattering trust because you're a dipshit. Let's talk about that, pissing a random dude off during a foursome because you have a massive hog, getting locked out of the house when you really need to poop, getting railed by Big Bird, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/TPP4KOpp8UMSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hot peppers, best friend, lock, fingerprints. Having one of those fun recording experiences where nobody has touched the goddamn thing. And you sit down the next time and something's going wrong. How does that happen? I think there's something crawling in my ear and hissing. Like someone snuck in here and was like, fuck these guys. It was that. You started moving shit.

He's like, you're flipping. I'm going to go start my own show. These guys are having too much fun. I'm going to start. a radio show that talks about stuff. Yeah. Whatever. Like a podcast that just talks about

scoreboards and sprinklers. How many listeners you think you'd get? Six. Episode 206 of Can You Don't. Thanks for being here with us. 206. C-Town. Okay. Send in your content suggestions, petty beef, confessions, starting questions,

jokes, all that shit to hey guys at can't you know podcast.com. Creeping a little closer to the next goal for Honkathon. If you guys are sick of us talking about it, go subscribe. For the love of God! 450, Brian and Zach will eat their Sistromi. We're just waiting. We've already researched it. We got places to buy it. We just got to hit that marker as we progress through. Head over to patreon.com slash can you know podcast. We do have some new merch to talk about. Check this out.

Super Wake! I was just been waiting for it. Yeah. Yeah. And if you are a person, if you are part of the gaggle on Patreon, you already have access to this baby. Dude, that's so sick. Yeah. And then some people are like, I don't like tank tops. So we'll probably put it in some t-shirts.

I mean, it's not the right design for a hat. But I guess if I pulled the guy on the wave runner and he just said, super way across the hat, I'd probably work out. Yeah, it could work out. I mean, put on a t-shirt. It's fine. I'm going to get a tank, though. Yeah, no, it's good.

I'm either going to get the pink one or the blue. I might just get both. I mean, I'm pumped about it. Super way. Because it is podcast and mostly audio listeners. It is just a fucking 90s bro. Yeah, dude. Jumping a wave runner and he just says,

Can You Don't Podcast down the side and right on top? Super Wake. Great for the summer season. Head over to can you don't podcast.com. That's where you'll find it in the store. And another added bonus, if you do support us on Patreon, you get a discount. So don't forget to use your code.

I'm not going to tell you what the code is in the fucking public eye. God. What do you think we are? All right. So, ready to get things going? No. Let's just sit on this for a little bit longer. Sit on it.

Sit on it. You tell me know when you're, you tell me know when you're ready. Fucking do it. There he is. Shut up. It's not the show already. You weren't expecting that, were you? No.

I was not, but I'm glad you did. Super way. I had a, just a weird more. Like, I woke up and everything was fine. alarm goes off obviously at 3.45 in the morning. That's so early. And everything was fine. And then I was leaving the house and I was like, what the fuck?

And I said like a weird headache. I was like, God damn it. It's a lot. Got plenty of sleep, all things considered. Which six hours is a lot when you're waking up that early. And I was leaving the house. It's like, fuck. And I've just had a headache ever since.

Dude, your summers are going to be so fun. I can't wait to just stare out the window and listen to all the fun. Yeah, you're going to be laying in bed. You're just going to hear like a kid. going, ha ha ha ha. Thanks for letting me stay up, Dad. Wait, no, you're going to, you're going to hear. No, not me.

Hey, hon, it's dinner. Burgers are ready, nine-year-olds. The burgers are ready. Stop playing volleyball. Oh, my God, we're having so much fun. Nice tan, Denise. Hey, stop throwing those water balloons, kids. I'm just turning out my fan noise.

7 p.m. It's still so bright, dad. I love summer. I know. The sun will be up till 10. That's the best part about living here. It's why you suffer through winter. I'm just, fuck. What position are you going to play? What position did you play? All right, what do we got here? Oh, Seth, what's up? This is going to be normal? Can't wait. Go for it. All right. Would you rather have Big Bird follow you everywhere you go with only one mission to fuck your ass. All right. Oh, yeah.

Just picture big old big bird. Yeah, with a big old feathery dick. Yeah, dude. That's kind of a cute look. Probably like a banana. Well, sure. Yeah, we just got to combine anatomies here. But love it.

Back to you. He only goes slightly faster than you, and you're the only one that can see him. He can't move if you're looking at him, and he can't go in your house. It's like the boogos in Super Mario. Yeah. He was like, me.

You got, when they're on each side of you and you're like looking back and forth. Or T-Rex, you can't see you. But it's, you can't, T-Rex can move. Yeah. Yeah. Much faster than you wants. Okay. So slightly faster.

You can't go in your house. Okay. If he does catch you, everyone can see him and he will pound your brown eye. And there's nothing you can do but take that bird dick. Okay. Or... Okay. Only be able to shit and piss in a cat litter box.

Sent from Big Bird's sex cage. Oh, man. What does that smell like? His cage? A bird, just a bird cage has a smell. Yeah, but the bigger the bird... The bigger... I don't know.

And he's horny. Well... Maybe he's fucking outrasse, though, too. Yeah. So he smells of... anal. You wake up, you look out the window and Big Bird's watching his fucking dick in your bird bath. You're standing there?

Just going, because he gets fucked your neighbor? Yeah. He's like, you're next. You're next. So you get to shit in the box, not Big Bird, right? No, you are. You have to. Yes.

You have to shit or piss in a cat litter box. And that's the only place you can go. That means you can throw it away each time that you do it. So you don't have to accumulate to stink. Yeah. It's going to be expensive. And then. In convenient.

Yeah, because at home, fine. Traveling, not fine. I feel like it's inconvenient to be fucked by a giant yellow bird dick. I don't know. Maybe it could be. We have different definitions of inconvenient. Baseball game waiting in line for the pisser. Here's the thing about Big Bird.

Okay. I mean, he can't go in your house. So you're sleeping fine. It's not like you have to worry about it while you're sleeping. But as soon as you walk out that door, he's now on the prowl. You just have to be alert all the time. Yeah. And there's a lot of just different parameters

We got to set around this hard Like is he just standing at the front door And you have to trick him And you have to go out the back door And if you get in your car Does he also getting like a big bird car Follows you around He's a little faster

So he's kept just See him that head behind you Or he's just on the side of you Just running Just pulls up next to you And he's giving you the universal Have Sex sign But doing it with his nose

nose and speak. He's like, roll the window down. He's like, I'm gonna fuck it. Whoa. You seen that stuff? Lephygous.

What does Bigbert sound like again? I can't think of it either. It's kind of like, it's kind of, I think it's the same voice as Kermit almost. Okay. Let's find out. What does Big Bird sound like?

I thought he had kind of a whiny voice. Yeah. No. Oh my God. That face. Kermit's kind of like right down. That says closed. And this sign says sail, yarn.

Big Bird, the star's closed, you know. Oh, yes, Susan. I'm just looking at the sign. Look at that beat. Because I'm using signs to practice learning words. Fucking your ass. Because I'm using signs. To fuck your ass.

Jeez. A day, say day. Fuck on your knees. A, B, C, D. In your eyes. In your cheeks. Yeah, you'd probably have some songs. He'd be singing.

I guess picture him like in a tiny Fiat. Fiat. And he's just a little quicker. His heads out the fucking sunroof. Yeah. Like Shaquille O'Neal trying to drive a convertible. Yep. I'm fucking.

And remember, nobody else can see him. Yeah. Until he gets you. Yeah. And now it's about a public. But what I'm picturing is you were at some setting. And I know it's easy. and something to go to a funeral.

But I've just like, you're sitting in church, you're sitting in wherever you're at, and you're just in the, you're in the booth or pew or wherever, restaurant, and you just look over and he's looking at you. How many funerals in a restaurant? What? Uh-huh. Go back to you? I'm just, any setting where it's.

I thought we were still going on a funeral. I was saying it's easy to go there, so I'm trying to think of going anywhere else. Go somewhere else. But a funeral is easy, so you're sitting there or at church. You know, he's like, oh, praise Jesus. you're looking over him. He can't move. He's peeking through the stained glass windows.

Mm-hmm. But as soon as you turn away to, like, try to engage what you're doing, he starts creeping up. He's scooting down the bench. Yeah. Yeah. That is terrifying. And no one can see him. So you look like a complete psychopath.

Look a crazy person. Schizophrenic. This face? You look back? Who's giving me that dick so good? It's that? It's that? I mean, you could lean into it and just marry the son of a bitch.

Yeah. I mean, when he's done fucking, what happens after that? Are you done? You go about your business? Yeah, there's always a little refraction period. You've got to recharge his bird dick. Yeah, I guess it's probably like, you know, maybe he leaves and then you start a new day, maybe. But if it's all the time, like, he just, he cames and then he, like, he, like, needs to go take a nap.

Mm-hmm. Sorry, I'm just finding other faces. I'm just looking back. You're like, You're like, God, it feels so good. You look back, he's like, yeah.

Yeah. I know you like it. I'm using signs. To fuck your ass. Well, now my YouTube algorithm is going to be messed up. Talking about him fucking me, and I'm looking at him.

And he's big. He's tall. He's a big bird. So you just like, so road tripping with the family and you have to have, like, Han,

you want me to, did you grab your litter box? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Did you pack your litter box? Yeah. Emergency shits would be a nightmare. It doesn't say you have to have kitty litter.

It has to be in a kitty litter box. But let's assume that you had to also travel around with that before he could poop like you're doing a little poop dance, trying to pour gravel into a plastic bin. Rip the bag open. And they got those self-cleaning ones now. So that's cool. Yeah.

Where it's like a slow washing machine. My neighbor, I watch her cat when she leaves. sometimes and she has one of those one of those just spins and it goes it goes like it just coats the shit and smelly rocks and it moves it lifts up this whole thing and it shoves

the turds underneath there so then you go and you lift up that lid there's just a row of turds cool yeah so it's it's great for the cats because they get to go in and piss and shit and fresh but being at home this is a no-brainer

but also being at home is a No-brainer with Big Bird because he can't come in. But I spent a lot of time outside the house. I mean, swimming with the kids. Oh, my, you just get a tap, a bird tap on your shoulder and you look over and it's Big Bird in an inner tube. But you only, you're the only one that can see him? He's kicking his little feet. He's kicking his giant feet.

Oh, yeah, yeah, he's like, hi. And you're like, oh, God. He's spit water up out of his tube. This is fun. Your kids look cute. Stay away from my fucking kids. Hun, who are you talking to? He's like, I'm not staying away from fucking shit.

Who you talking to? Big Bird. He jumps out of the tomb and starts fucking you in the water. Oh, front of your family. And then disappears? Oh, that's too much trauma. I'm going to deal with the shit and piss in the cat litter box. I think finally getting fucked by Big Bird would solve a lot of issues.

Yeah, well, it would be like, okay, now I know why you've been acting so weird. Imagine how much money you save on therapy. Once you got that out of the way. You know what I mean? When everyone gets it and you have to worry about it anymore. The only thing you have to worry about is fucking coming. Yeah! I mean, it's Big Bird.

He seems like a nice guy. Yeah, he'd say so. But maybe he's just a fucking animal in sack. It just, his neck would be, oh my God! Okay. You've visualizing it now? Fucking you doggy style. I've this whole time I've been picturing Big Bird straight up.

Imagine his neck. he can fuck you and look you in the eyes in the same time you like doing that fear over the top just his feathers dangling he's just like hi I'm learning about signs just get it over with hi Joey is his friend he is Eeyore was it them two that were kind of really good friends Eeyore the sad one no that's a different that's Winnie the Pooh his snuffalo sucks that's what I mean

and Oscar the Grouch But he's always trying to cheer him up. They're buddies, though, right? I thought, yeah, I thought they kind of ran in tandem. Big Bird and Snuffy. Snuffy, yeah. They were friends. It's kind of like his little pet.

Does he invite Snuffy over? To watch? Yeah. He's just over in the corner. He's like, hmm. I forgot what snuff. How do you snuff? Just start typing it.

It'll Google figured out. I don't even know what letters I put in. Snuff alufus. Is it snuff or snuffeuf or luffegus? I don't know. I actually don't know. I always said snuffle-offigus. Snuffalofagus.

How high were they when they came up with this? What? Whoa, what? I'm Big Bird. Who are you? That's right. That's easy. I'm, uh, oh, yes, yes, I am a snuffaloapagus.

And we liked it? Yeah. And that, oh, God. He's like, look. You like the pounding? God. That's the face that you're talking about. Yes.

And he's looking around you. Am I doing good? And then he's like, you're doing great, big burn. Oh, you're doing great. What's happening with the colors? You fucking like it. Oh, man. Yeah, I'm definitely picking the litter box.

Yeah. There's no other option. What do you pick? Yes. Okay. Let's move off. Something happened funny. Okay.

Recently. Zach. Sounds fantastic. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Yeah, I stop yelling. Headaches being a little bit. No problem here. So here in beautiful... I wish I could do it. You do it.

Beautiful. Downtown Cornelaine. Yeah, it just doesn't sound... Worth the headache. Downtown Coral Lane. And I think this restaurant exists other places. I'm assuming so. But they opened up a new fast food restaurant.

Like their whole marketing campaign is that it's healthier for you. And it's called Habit, Burgers, and Grill. And they got beef and they got chicken. Is it grass-fed beef? That's the thing. They got Rabbit at Habit? Yeah. And the other night, just a lot of work.

And kids were out and about. And so by the time Dinner rolled around And my fucking bedtime Which happened at the same time I was like I gotta go to bed What would choose dinner or bed And I guess eating bed and fall asleep

With mashed potatoes on my chest They happened at the same time So I'd figure it out pretty quick And I was like okay Well what are you gonna do? So I'm like okay Well let's just go try the new No new burger place

Let's go give it a shot And Ezra's like Fuck yeah Because he always is And Pepper's like I don't want to go. No, you want to do it. And I was like, I'm not going to argue with you because I got 10 minutes before I need

to take sleeping pills and go to bed. So I pack up Ezra and we go there and we order and it's fine. We make it through the ordering process. It's always a little overwhelming looking at a new menu. You're like, what do they have? You don't have it planned out yet. So we're thumbing through. We decide we both just going to get like a normal cheeseburger with some French fries and

a drink. Is it the Charger meal or something like that? I'm looking at the menu right now. You heard chicken and you're like, fuck, dude. Yeah, it was that thing. Yeah, and it's good. A little basket of fries. I would say it's a little bit better than your standard fast food place.

But it's also a little more expensive. So, you know, there's that. Yeah. Get two burgers and they're like 700 bucks. You're like, never coming here again. So we went there, got our food. And we didn't get our food. We ordered it.

And we got our little vibrating. and we went and sat down in a booth and I'm sitting there with them and I was like, I'm gonna go check out, go check this place out. And I walk over to the side area and they have your standard condiment lineup, right?

Where they've got the different sauces. They've got fry sauce and ketchup and mustard and some other things. And they have like a salad bar looking thing with some buckets of stuff in it. And the two ingredients

that I recognize right away, there's jalapinos and pepper cheeses. And I'm like, those, like, that's a nice little kick, right? Something different? Yeah. And so I grab them and I just put them, actually, they didn't have any fucking plates. So I grabbed the top of like a fountain drink and turn that into a mini hors d'oeuvre tray. You just started putting them on there.

Whatever. Hey, well, you do what you can. Do bedtime's in four minutes. Yeah. So I'm doing this and I walk it over and I put it down. I'm sitting there with asthma waiting for our food. And the place is pretty packed. because it's new and everyone wants to try it out.

So there's family sitting around us and we're sitting there and we're talking. And then he looks down and he goes, he goes, what's this? And I was like, well, I was like, these are jalapinos? These are peppercinis? And he goes, are they hot? And I was like, no. I was like, they're not that hot. And before he could even say another word, I was like, let's do it.

And I grabbed the peppercini. And he grabbed one. And he goes, wait, what? I was like, come on. One, two, three. And take a bite of the pepperini. Within half a second. What I realized is they were not pepper tini.

They were the hottest fucking peppers I've ever had in my life. Yeah. And I just made an autistic 12-year-old eat it in a public space. So he took a bite when you said it. Not a bite. We ate the whole fucking pepper. It wasn't a nibble. I was 100% confident they wouldn't put whatever those were just in the public reach.

Without saying very hot. They didn't say what they were, but you identify them. And in hindsight, you never really see pepper chineas as full peppers. They normally always cut up. It's the chini part. It's kind of like weak. It's something. It's something.

And it was so fucking hot. And Ezra was so mad. Yes. He was so mad, but we are also laughing. So the next 20 minutes we, like, are crying, but also laugh because it's so hot. and he at one point he got up to get his his fifth refill to try and wash this fucking death

out of our mouths like I'm drooling on the table like I can't stop it and I'm trying to like kind of mask my face because I'm in a public space and just before the food's gotten there right? Food hasn't even gotten there yet and it's my saliva is dripping out of my mouth into a napkin as I'm crying and laughing because Ezra's just like but he's also like

laughing. Doesn't know how to express himself. He gets up to get a refill and he walks by me and he goes, he goes, God, it's eating my lungs! And when you're in pain, you don't really realize how loud you're being. Yeah.

So once he does that and I'm, start laughing again, I look around and everyone else is just laughing at us sitting to being like, you idiots. Yeah. It's just, we all avoided. He's like, it's eating my lungs. And like, everyone stops and looks over.

And I'm just like, like, drooling into a fucking napkin. You basically look like Lloyd, Harry and Lloyd, and dumb and dumber. It was so, it was so bad and it was so hot. And even when the food showed up, we were like, this will help, this will help. And then he picked up a French fry and put it in. So I did the same thing. And the temperature of the French fry made everything worse.

Yeah. It was so hot. And the salt was like just cutting into our lips. And I'm just sitting there like, fuck. And I was like, listen, as? I know, I know that this is a lot right now. and you probably hate this. I was like, I just want you to know,

I'm going to remember this for the rest of my movie. Yeah, this is one of the best days ever. I was like, this is what a fucking dumb move. Your dad just pulled. This will be fun. This will be fun. He's like, well, what if, he was going to probably say, what if it's not a pepperini?

Yeah. And I was like, shut up, nerd. Shut up, you fucking nerd. Three, two, one. I had to raise no quitter. Like, we had to both take our sweatshirts off. Just like, ugh. And then, yeah, we finished our food.

And then we got in the car. And then I think I said, how was it? And he goes, he couldn't taste it. And I was like, well, I guess we'll have to come back. Yeah. And skip the whatever the fuck those were. Like they weren't ghost pepper hot. But they, when you were expecting a pepper chini, they were very hot.

Yeah, when you want to, you're like, I'm just going for the flavor of it, not even a heat. Yeah. When you have like a well-seated jalapeno, double that. that's how hot this thing was. It was, you know, I'm obviously ramping it up a bit, but it was enough to make you sweat and drool and uncontrollably laugh and don't know what to do. And then your food was ruined, everything sucked. And thanks for having us.

You guys will be able to tell the year in the future by this year. Yeah. To that moment. 246, remember that? Oh, yeah, it was the fucking you'd be in a dummy, dad. Was it AP or BP? Was it before pepper or after pepper? A great pepper mix up of 26.

Which is also funny because my daughter's name. Oh, yeah. We did a, yeah. Well, that's what I was kind of, I was like, wait, where's this going? That's it. We got pepper and everything. You just worked out. She didn't even go.

She did. We did a wing challenge one time. And I remember we got to the hottest one. And it was one of the thing. We had no milk or anything like that. So I was under the sink, like running water. And kind of that where you don't know how to act. You're just like, oh.

Forget. You're like, you don't, like, you turn into a baby. You turn into, like, a person that's never lived before. You don't know what. It's so hot. There's nothing you can do to cool. What do you do? What?

How can I help? You can't control it. Yeah. But it's, God, it's eating my lungs. We were at a house, at a friend's house, we did that. We weren't in a public setting. So that's different when you're, when you finally realize you look around and you're like, oh, shit.

Oh, I'm the entertainment. Yeah. Got it. Yeah. So that happened. That's fun. Yeah. I mean, the food looks decent. It's fine.

Might have to go back. Yeah, swing by. You look right. And then also a hindsight observation was that the bucket of these things was completely full in the salad bar. Like the- Because no one was eating them? How did everyone else know? Maybe everyone else was like, I'm not going to run.

risk it. Yeah. And then I was like, of course those are peppercini's. I don't know. I should have read up on something, but we got home and then all hot stuff. Like the party continued between that as and I, multiple bathrooms

just shitting our brains out. I'm just going to do it. Because it just torch the lining of her stomachs. Habit burger. Pepper. I'm just doing peppers. I want to see if there's any. Habit burger. Had a pepper. Sounds like a tongue twister. Offers a well-loved, self-serve pepper bar where you can customize your meal.

You can also find them featured in seasonal and specialty menu items like Japanese char and various sauces. Hmm. So that wasn't it. Have you typed in what fucking pepper is that habit bar and grill? Spicy red pepper sauce. Wasn't that. A jalapeno char. Limited specifically burger featuring American cheese, spicy jalapeno jam.

All those things were there. Let's see. Sweet banana peppers, red and yellow. They're Casa bellows. Casabellas? Semi-hot black peppers, inferno banana peppers. And the hot line of reapers. It could have been that.

Could have been the Reaper. Hot yellow chili peppers. That's what they are. Okay. Anyway, we weren't in the mood for it. I mean, it could be the inferno banana. Fuck, it could have been. I don't know.

Inferno banana pepper. This is fun for everyone, I bet. Yeah. Oh, the inferno banana pepper. Oh, no, that's, gosh, dang, man. They're big. Yeah. It ate the whole fucking thing.

There was this little guy down here, this guy, right here. It was him. I confused him with him. So him. Him. No. Him, fine. This is, now I see it.

Yeah. But this little motherfucker, who. And you just, you would take a nibble. You would do a little nibble. And we went all the way to the stem and just ripped it right into our guts. All right, let's move off to some dick. Let's slide in. Zachy poo, roll it.

Wait, Zach, did you have a wedding? Yeah, I did. You had a wedding. Nothing special. We did the hitching post type wedding. Oh, fuck. Was it literally at the hitching post? Yeah, dude.

Nice. For those that don't know, hitching posts is a log cabin. Yep. Where you can get married here in Cortelaine, Idaho. with a very stern man warning you about marriage. Well, you sure you won't do this? Your mom was crying. You're about that.

You're all about that. There's a lot of other options. You sure? Live with each other longer and see if it. The courthouse is literally across the street. You get married in that building and not a cabin. Okay, so you had a, you had a wedding. Yeah.

Nothing crazy happened. Didn't cost a damn dime. That a boy. Brian, you've had a wedding. Yeah, we went, well, we went to Vegas. Yeah, he went to, Vegas and we got married down there. Both you guys did the same thing.

Steal Panter afterwards. So that must have been somewhat, how long it was that? That was 2012. You were 12? 2012. Oh, I guess that you got married at 12. Arranged marriage. It's working out.

Things work differently in Mosulik. This wedding got a little out of control. Did it now. Groom will spend decades in prison for killing his best friend on his wedding night. Jesus Christ. Whoops. Is there video? Whoops.

This is just a fire truck. I don't know why this is in this. Oh. This is a fire truck losing control and flying into a neighborhood. That has nothing to do with Flint, Michigan's wedding murder. Not related. A man in Michigan who got married and then ran over his best friend the same day, killing him, after an alcohol-fueled argument was sentenced back on Monday to at least 30 years in prison.

You'll wait for me, right, babe? Nope. The only thing I can do for the... The rest of my life has expressed my apology and remorse. I will forever be sorry. James Shara? Is that Shira? Shira.

I'm pretty sure it's his first name because I saw. James Shira? Oh, is it? Oh, okay. James Shira said in Genesee County Court. I was wondering where he said that. Shira 24 was driving when his vehicle struck Terry Taylor Jr. in Flint, about an hours drive northwest of Detroit. This is all the way back in

2024, by the way. So we're just getting this article. It finally leaked to the public because everyone was like, just set the record straight. He and Savannah Collier were married earlier that day and the celebration then moved to a house.

Fucking, let's take this to a house party. Did you guys have a house party after hitching post? Nope. Do you guys have sex? Yep. Fuck.

Oh, yeah. Consumation. Consumation. Consumation. That's anal sex on a marriage night. Hell yeah, or whatever. I party with Steel Panther

until the early morning. I remember that story. Shira's attorney, I think I've said it 14 different ways. Shira. Shira. Shira.

Attorney had argued that the crash was not intentional. Prosecutors, however, said Sharia, I was just trying to scare. Had left the scene and had time to reflect before returning and striking Taylor.

He's like, should I do it? God, he's such a bit. Fuck. Fuck it. I mean, this is a big day for me, but. You fucking even bigger day if I ran him over with my car. Mr. Shaviribavar.

I believe that you are not a criminal. You are, however, a killer. Oh, that's such a judge thing to say. Yep, you done did it. In April, Shirari Reve pleaded no contest, a second-degree murder, and other offenses. He'll be eligible for parole after 30 years. I hope that they throw the book at you. Taylor's cousin, Irene Taylor.

said before, Shavirah received a sentence. Shariah's wife will be sentenced later in May for being an accessory. She's like, fucking do it. God.

I've always hated them. And now that we're married and we're together, I don't want them to be a part of our life. Go hit him with our fucking car. What was the argument? What could it have possibly been? That it's your best friend.

Yeah, your best man. This is the person you chose. Well, yeah. Best friend. Right? Not best man. Oh, well, whatever. I think Vegas probably went and did the little marriage thing. They didn't have a line up. Oh, right. Well, he would have been his best man. And they went back to the, yeah, they went back to the house and he was like, I'm going to fucking kill him. What argument could we have that at the end of it, you're like, I'm going to hit him with my car.

And maybe he had an affair with his, they just found out. I feel like that would have been mentioned. I feel like the argument, if it's got to be something, it's best friends. so it's going to be a little some kind of hot button maybe he said something to like to his wife he goes god damn I wish he wouldn't have done that

and he's like fucking show you something I would show you I'll show you something I'll show you something I didn't do for 30 years in prison so I saw

it's a rocky start to a marriage I saw the video what of him getting sentenced oh and what he did was terrible, but I felt so bad for the guy. Because he's sitting in court in there, like, he sends you 30 years.

And you see his face. Drain. Yeah. And like, and he's crying and stuff. And it's obviously it's sad that the other guy's dead and the family and all that kind of stuff. But you see, like, one decision that guy made in like whatever if he was drunk. I don't know what he was, but like it was drunk. It was like anger made him do something.

And then now for 30. like that's it you just see and then I'm thinking like if I got sentenced to 30 years right now for doing something stupid I wouldn't be out until mid 70s and your kids are our age there they have

kids like you're he's done and I started to feel I was like fuck dude like because when you see that a lot of times you see video or some guy getting sentenced he just like no remorse he's like fucking whatever dude and you're like a criminal that

His destined for a life of, like, in and out of jail, do you want this shit. And it looked like a guy that made a bad decision and is paying for it. And it was like, fuck. Yeah. Well, it's a pretty big bad decision. Oh, I know. And like I said, it's okay. Like, it's not like they got in a fight.

He punched him. And then he fell backwards and hit his head, right? Yeah. That's always something that has scared the shit out of me forever. That's why I don't get in fights because I was not. And kill him. Yeah. And kill him on accident.

Yeah. But imagine getting in a fight and like, or you're separating a fight and you push someone and then they hit their leg or hit their leg on a chair leg, fall backwards, head into a countertop. If you go to jail for 15 years and you didn't even want to be there. Yeah. You just want to finish your drink. Yep. And you just, you were like, well, I'm going to stand up and stop this.

And you accidentally kill someone. And that is always so scary. Yeah. So just no one fight. Yeah. And I get the differences. this guy, got behind,

I get it. Left. Yeah, he left and got a running start. And I'm not justifying what he did. All I'm saying is that you get the empathy of it. I'm just like watching this guy realize, holy shit,

the decision, that, yeah, they just like someone's, yeah, entire life on your wedding night. Yeah. That's great.

So, anyway. I bet you, fuck. Think they still had sex? I mean, maybe If she wanted him to do it, maybe she's like Yeah, you got him.

Give me that dick. Give me that fucking big bird dick. Yeah, you like that? Oh, maybe. That's what you're saying when you're driving. He's like, you think you're bigger than me? He doesn't fucking run you on. Meep, me.

You guys see this, right? His little go-cart. Fuck your butt. All right, let's read the next story. All right. Another dick here. You want to, you do it. Moly of a gar.

Okay. All right. CEO of $300 million company says problems disappeared after firing HR team. No way. God, he's got them out of the way. How did that happen? I used to get away with so much stuff before we hired that HR team. Dude, no one got arrested.

No one's getting arrested ever since we got rid of the police department. That's so funny. Holy shit. The car accidents are at zero. It's fine. Everything's fine. Car accidents are at zero ever since we got rid of automobiles. Whoa!

Alternating stats. The CEO of Bolt has explained why he got rid of his company's entire HR team. Ryan Breslow defended his decision to enforce sweeping workforce cuts at its San Francisco-based company, which impacted around 30% of staff earlier this year. Okay. we got rid of HR It was 30% of his company Jesus Christ

It's a big HR team Everybody's in trouble all the time Yeah The employees need 30% Or the entire staff Is nearly half Is stopping the other half From getting in trouble

That's a work That's a culture That sounds like That's a work vibe It sounds like a lot of babysitting jobs For adults I've always thought it's so weird Like working is so weird

Anyway Where like Just like adults go to an office and you just sell them some time to do task you're just there

with other adults that you don't know at first are you filling out forms today? Me too. Yeah and then you like become friends

or acquaintances but then Janet doesn't like the way that Ted said something so she goes to another adult and then that adult pulls the other adult

in like did you say this to Janet? Is that your stinky fish in the fridge? Yes. Do you can't do that? Okay, other adult. I like your suit.

This is your second naughty thing. Oh, no. You got a written. Okay, I will be a better adult. Thank you, other adult. Yeah. Some adult telling another adult that they can't bring fish in the fridge. You simply cannot do that.

Okay, adult. Goodbye, adult. Isn't that weird? It is weird. When you really break it down. Some other adult peed on the seat. Ha ha ha ha. How come this adult can't piss pick up piss?

Sorry, I'm a bad adult. I didn't know I did it. I've been cleaning up piss at my own house, so I don't want to clean up piss at work, too. I'm going to go down to the no personality adult in the basement and tell her about the other adult pee. Just shows you that we're all animals. Yeah. That's why certain things, relationships don't work out. Right.

We got rid of our HR team, the 31-year-old said, while speaking at Fortune's Workforce Innovation Summit on Tuesday. And our profits are up. Brazil's rationale for letting go of his entire human resources team was simple. We had an HR team, and that HR team was creating problems that didn't exist, he said. Those problems disappeared when I let him go. My God. He claimed that letting go of HR was essential to resurrect Bolt.

A company that was once valued 11 billion, but has since witnessed a reversal of fortune with its valuation failing to roughly $300 million. That. It was from all that in-office horseplay. God. 300 million versus 11 billion. I don't, when people, I don't think they. It's hard to equate how much of a difference that is. Like when you, in just simple terms.

And I always picture it. In those, they have those infographic videos where they have the, like, crates of money. Yeah. That's how my brain pictures. Like, how many crates? I'm like, glit sooms way out. What's 11 billion divided by 300 million? Well, you can do it.

I'm looking up what the hell Bolt is. Hey, Siri. Bolt was 11 billion divided by 300 million. 36. 36. Does that help us? So, I mean, it's. So 36 300's.

into 11? It, I mean, when it, let's say it reached $300 million, it 36xed to $11 billion. And then then dropped back 36x.

Yeah. That's a, that's a company that can't survive, right? Yeah. Bolt is a prominent financial technology company headquartered in San Francisco,

California. I, I read some of these, you read the value of a business, then you read what they do, And I'm like, yeah. How did you guys even do this? I,

the seamless password list, one-click checkout for online retailers. That's their core product. Like, they found, they found a problem, created software to fix that problem, and then made $5 billion. And I'm over here like, yeah, I'll wake up and go push the button. There was a company. I help you. I help you. I had a conversation with my wife there.

Her friend works for a company that does, like, some sort of cabinet. Mm. And they're like, they're down. a couple, a bunch of money or something. I don't remember what it was. But I was like, well, how much money were they making to be down that much money? It's like what all their, it's like a part of a cabinet or something like that. Yeah.

They like they patent some thing. Yeah. And you can't make those without this thing. It's so weird. Yeah, but I always go back to an example that my stepdad told me at one time. He's like, somebody makes toaster screws. Yeah. Just toaster screws.

We specialize in toasters. Do you guys for like do desks or anything? No. No, we make screws for toasters. How much you guys worth? Eight billion. Yeah. Because there's so many.

There's five screws per toaster. Is it all the toasters? No, it's just this one toaster. We patented toaster screw. And we have $8 billion. Can't play without our widget. You guys do anything else? That's it.

That's it. That's it. That's all we'll ever do. Just cremation. Just toaster screws. Anyway. You guys, we've all worked in environments with this in HR department. Yeah.

A lot of my life has not, because I've been working for myself. Yeah. But I have been in one, and that was at KXY, so I know that you were also part of one that had an HR department. I never had to go down there. I never had a talk. I liked her. I loved. She was great.

Wendy. Yeah. Yeah. She was great. Rest in peace. You passed away. Did you know that? No.

Yeah. Yeah. She did. What? Yeah. Sorry for telling you like that. I think it was the cancers. So, shit.

Mow. I just said I loved her. She was great. I loved getting in trouble because then I got to go talk to her. Talk to Wendy. And she had candy? He was going to say she had Reese's. Yeah, she softened the blow.

Yeah. I think I had to, I had to attest to some story one time. Because we were the rock station. Rock Radio. So it's like, did, did blah, blah, blah come in here and really do that? And you have to just like, do you really want to know? No. Okay.

Less paperwork. And then take a hard candy. Goodbye. My show starts in five minutes. All right. Well, don't talk about this. I won't. Bye, Wendy.

All right. Well, don't bring this up. Okay. Bye. Of course I won't. It was me. Yeah. I'm going to bury this.

Why is their cake on the? the ceiling. You tell me. It's right above your, it's right above your desk. I'm only here part of the day. I just, I literally just got here. In order for me, I, so you're telling me within five minutes of being here, I threw a cake into the ceiling, which is exactly what I did. Yeah. It was on my desk. It was on my desk, and I didn't want it. And I guess stood up and I had an audience because the people that put it there were waiting for me to get there. It's So I just turned around and threw it in the fucking ceiling. Did it stick?

It stuck because it was like the, you know, that, those, whatever that fab, whatever it's made out of those panels. So yeah, well, and then I cleaned it all up. And then some other station saw me do it too, and they wouldn't like it. Because they got cake on their desk. You can't have your birthday and throw your cake too. You can't have a job after your cake. Did you really do it?

Mm-mm. I don't know, check the footage. We don't have it. We don't have it. We don't have cameras in the office. I guess we're, nothing you can do better. Tomato potato then. Thanks for the candy.

Bye. You got a little, and you got a little like blue cake on the side of your mouth. My face is just covered in cake? What? No, I didn't. Is that cookie crumble? Sure. I guess slatter a slice.

It's just, let's bury this. You didn't see nothing. Yeah, you got it. All right, let's get off to our petty beef for this week. Zach, please, if you wouldn't mind. Clilets send the court. You are now entering the petty beef course. courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated.

The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. I'll agree to read it, but I do see some capital words in there. So you have to do the yelling. Is that fair? Yeah. Okay. I'm just sad about Wendy. I know. It was years ago, though. So. You look on what you care. It's new to him. Shit

Okay Sent in by our son She's so sweet Right Right, hey daddies Keep my name an non Shit I'm usually the one that fucks that up

I did this When did I do this Was I sleeping? I could have been sleeping When I did this Just make a note I'll edit it out Zach

then we can keep going. Sent been by our son, Anonymous. Hey, Daddies. Keep my name anonymous. Well, that name is pretty fucking anonymous. What if your name is anonymous? Okay. If it makes to the show, please.

Me and my wife have had an ongoing argument about door locking. Door locking. We live kind of in the country. Kind of outskirts, about three to five miles from the big city. She locks the door. If no one is home, I get it. Makes sense. But if we are home, sitting in the living room,

facing the door! Why in the fuck does it need to be locked? Never had an issue with break-ins or anyone around here. I've had it where I have to rush home because I had to blow up the toilet and it was locked. And the digital lock malfunctioned, making it not open.

Seems like user error. Yeah. Seems like you're about to shit your pants and you push the wrong button. Panic. But let's not blame anonymous. So just so we're clear, in the email, I responded to him and said, maybe you should have let them know that you're on the way home before you. Oh, okay.

Because you're driving home, you're like, I'm going to blow up this toilet. That's something you could have thought of on the way home. Malfunctioned, not open. She was inside when I finally burst through the door, bitching about it while almost shitting my pants. And all she had to do is, all she had to say is, you usually come in the bottom and didn't tell me you had to shit. There you go. That's what she said. I get that she used to live alone, and a single mom in the sticks is unsettling,

but I'm here now. But you weren't there, and you're not fucking he, man. Yeah. I'm here now, damn it. Ain't no one fucking coming in? You don't need to lock goddamn door. I'm here now. When I get home, I'm there now.

Yeah, when I'm home, I'm there. But when I'm not there, I'm not there. So. I don't seem to get through to her. She has to take her dog out to use the bathroom throughout the day as well, so it's not like it's not going to get used. I don't get it. Maybe you two can make it make more sense to me. Not sorry for the length of this email.

Three out of five stars. Wouldn't change the thing. Oof. Not going to like my answer, but I'll let you guys go for it. You guys can answer first. I mean, I said in the email that all you had to do is send her a text and be like, hey, coming home. Okay. Open the door.

So whatever. Just in general. But in general, the general thought is, I don't see the problem with her locking the door. Yeah. Okay. Because you just never know. Right. Just shouldn't the bird bath be a man.

If it makes her feel safe. Yeah. Yeah. Unless he's getting, like, emasculated, like, she's locking the door because she doesn't think that I can't, I can't protect her. Yeah. So. Which, which, you're not. not bulletproof

if you're not there you ain't there yeah and you ain't bulletproof when you're gonna wake up and fight that's shining down sleep with a gun but when you're gonna wake up and fight yeah it doesn't matter they don't care that a man's there they'll come in and shoot you right in the fucking head

or they could I am a door locker and a big part of it is that if I keep my door locked then no one can come in no is that I don't have to think about it when I'm going to bed. My door is locked. So I'm sitting there throughout the day. I'm a man and I have guns. I don't carry them around the house. And I'm sitting there and I'm working.

And there is the off chance that someone could just come in the house and has nothing to do with whether I can protect myself or not. They're going to catch me off guard and they're going to win. I'm not constantly sitting there thinking about how I'm going to fucking fight off an intruder. I'll just be sitting there working with my slippers on. He's like, Hello, would you like to buy a radio? And then someone could come in and point a gun at me, and I'd be like, well, you won. So lock the door. And that way they have to at least smash through it.

And I can run upstairs and get my guns. I'm not just carrying them around the house while they work. I think also, so when you live in the sticks, like when she used to live in the sticks, do they still live in the sticks? No, they live in the sticks now. She's a single mom that is not used to living in the sticks, at least what I picked up from that. Because living in the sticks is weird because there's some freedom. It's like just build a house already. Because they're living in sticks.

Yeah! What are you, a beaver? There's, there's a, I think there's two sides to it. There's like, you feel safe because you're not, because if someone's going to come out to your house, that's a long way out of way to come to your house, you're pretty safe. But at the same time, if someone does come to your house and your way out on the sticks, the idea of them come to your house is like even scarier. Because the intent of someone to just break into your...

To go that far out of the way. To break in your house is the intent seems different. They could be watching you. They know your movements. Exactly. They know daddy's gone. Plus, there's something, there can be something isolating and kind of scary about living out in the country where you're not around.

people so you might feel a little unsafe and you just feel more comfortable if you know the doors logs. Yeah, I get it. Because there's also stories of people living in the city where, let's say a guy commits a crime, he's running from the police, breaks into a house just to get away from the police. I've almost been in that situation. They're not there to necessarily harm somebody, but they're just trying to escape or whatever. You still don't know what they're going to do. Now you're part of their escape plan. Yeah, exactly. Now they're like, well, If I grab a hostage, I might get out of there. Yeah.

Dude, Monique had to do that four months ago or something, walking to a gas station. Yeah, just in our little neighborhood. That gas station? Yeah, no. The one where you stepped on meth? No, no. It's one down a little further off of pines.

But anyway, it's a, yeah, this guy started chasing her, and she had to not break in a house, but try and, you know, knock on the door and all that shit. Yeah, it was nuts. The one time I let her out of the house. It was right. Without a gun. Without a gun and a skateboard. Dude, almost every time she leaves some crazy person, she went up, went for a drive one time just before that.

And some guy on a motorcycle, like, tracked her down her and my son and flipping him off and stressed her to the fuck out. It's like, okay, you can't leave the house anymore. Back in the room. Agoraphobia engage. Yeah. So you lock your house. Yeah, we do. Oh, Christ.

It's quadruple checked. Yeah. I don't, I just think it's fine. So my door has one of those things where. if you push it's an old door. If you push it, it's always unlocked. Or if you push it, it's always locked. So we just keep it on the lock feature.

I picture the car door. Lock on your front door. Yeah, yeah. Just up and down in the window. The little T looking one. So if it's on the lock, we always know it's locked. And even if we don't have that door, it's somewhere else. I used to shut the door and turn the little lock and lock it.

It just makes you, I don't know, there's like, you're saying there's something just makes you feel a little bit safer, a little bit action. If they really want to kill you, your door's not going to fucking stop them. Yeah, but at least. At least you have a chance to get somewhere and do something. You get at least, what, 10 seconds to collect your thoughts and figure out what you're going to do? I would feel more comfortable if I knew my wife was at home and the door was locked. Yeah. If I knew she was just leaving it unlocked and coming and going. And what you said when we were going through the story, if you're in an emergency and you know the door is going to be locked,

just text ahead or call. and say, hey, I'm about to shit my pants. Yeah. Unlock the door. If you live in the sticks, you need a free run. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm not, I don't think that went the way that anonymous thought it was going to go. But I think you should let your wife lock the door.

And I highly doubt that the lock is malfunctioning just when you have to shit. I'm guessing there's some wrong buttons being pushed. He's probably panicked because he had to shit and he fucks it up. Yeah. No, I get it. Oh, my God. Speaking of someone just. The golden case.

Jordan Holiday. Stephen Gera. The sofa king. Daniel Aki. Todd Zootenheim. Jason Kloisers. Matthew Lennar. E.M.

3. Daniel Spatz. Neil Doffney. Good stuff. All right. Look at Zeus. See, that's how easy it can happen. Just busts right in the door.

What size door would you need to stop Zeus? Parthenon size. Like a bank vault. Even a parthenon can't stop Zeus. Yeah. I think the bank vault would be a good one. I don't know. It's fucking Zeus.

No, a bunker door, like a nuclear bunker door. If something tells me Zeus can make it through. If Zeus can be made up, he could also make up going through that door. That's true. So there's all that.

That's our top tier golden geese. Subscribe to us on Patreon. You can head over there, pick whatever tier is read for your Patreon.com. Slash can you know podcast. That's what? Do it. Thanks, Zach.

All right. Good news. Play it. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! I don't think we've ever covered this, but I'm not shocked of, I guess, any answer. But Brian, did you go to prom?

Yeah. How was it? Fine. How'd you get there? Drove? Tractor? No, in a car. You went in a car.

Stretch tractor. Did you go to prom, Zach? I went to several proms, yeah. Nice. Yeah. Yeah, I went to several. One, I went to, did I ever, or am I just living through movies? I can't remember if I went in a limo.

You're just thinking you lived in high school musical? Yeah, I don't know. Actually, I literally can't remember. I think you just always went with friends, but did we get a limo sometime? I'll tell you what we didn't get. And it was the fucking Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile to prom. You missed that. out. Look at these kids.

They know how to do it. That is so smart. Future leaders of America. And you know one of them was like, this is so stupid. Yeah. Like, why couldn't we just get a, it's like, what are you talking about? Dude, that's, yeah. You can get in a limo.

Everyone else is getting a limo. The rest of your life. But the chance to get in the Oscar Meyer Wiener Mobile and show up to prom? Hell yeah. That is so good. Talking about the best entrance ever. That looks like that shot right there, look like they were getting on a private jet. Yeah.

They might have door open. I would rather this than a private jet. Yeah. With all your best friends? I guess the only downside if you were a hooligan like me is probably a little stricter rules in the Oscar Meyer mobile than there would be in a limo. Like you'd sneak in some alcohol and stuff in a limo,

you know, having some funsies. I feel like Mr. Oscar Meyer would be like, no. A little more stringent on the, uh... Yeah,

they'd be checking pockets. I was one of those ones. They could show you weren't bringing in competitor weaners. Yeah. I was trying to think there's a weiner pun in there or something. Look, I got this Kirkland brand sausage in here. James Dean and Jimmy Dean. Jimmy Dean inside the Oscar ween.

That's my dad used to always say. Oh, yeah. So good job, kids. Good job having fun. You're not taking your life so seriously. That's right, brother. Let's take a look at something that was found on the Internet. Okay.

Zach, please. The Internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool, or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes, that's awesome. Hi. And obviously, we've all heard, it's been a fear and something that's been portrayed in movies for many, many decades. And that is face scanning technology, right? So the government got cameras up, they're scanning your face, and then everywhere you go, they know they're tracking you, just making sure you're being a good boy. we're a good girl and not causing any mischief.

A ruckus? A ruckus out there. Be a little hoot-nanny. Like, just go to work, throw a cake at the ceiling, come home. Just like every other... Just like every other adult. Red blood in America. In a corporate setting.

Why wouldn't you throw a cake for the ceiling? But I never thought of this, and I don't really know why it freaked me out so much. But I wanted to show it to you guys. Okay. Headline says, think twice before posing with hand signs. Experts worn of fingerprint theft. Oh.

Okay, so we got face ID in your phone, but you're using your finger. And when's the last time you used your, well, my laptop has the little finger scanner. I use it every day with, yeah, with laptops. And they get like a, yeah, password. And they could do a face ID thing, but they know if you're using your laptop. You're probably not always looking your best. You're like sign into Pornhub, just fucking naked with five. Chins.

Being like fucking big. She ain't hot enough. Fucking pregnancy milk. Tick are big enough. Fucking pregnancy milk. Fuck delivery porn. God, if they had the guy that's hired to just watch footage of people,

like if that was a job and your job was to just monitor people watching porn. That is a job, a government job. And I think they watch up to 2,000 videos a day or some shit. Can you imagine that? Just me? It's just you. I cover up my camera.

Yeah. Just kidding. I'm too tired. But you don't cover up your fingers. That'd be a weird stroke. I put fake fingerprints on them. I bet you. From daily selfies to group photos.

The classic V. This fella right here. So right now. Duck lips and V's. Yeah. Hand sign may now pose a security risk. With AI technology making fingerprint theft easier than ever, according to a news report on

super way in a recent reality program shiny security expert Lou Chang I used to play him as him yeah he does the flying kick thing have you guys seen the new Mortal Kombat

by way I haven't know I didn't see the old one you're not a big fan I played the game she didn't see the movie fucking raised me it was so bad taught me how to be a man where my dad couldn't demonstrated I did watch Big Trouble Little China

again though a couple nights ago So good So you're Hold up Same thing And it demonstrated How fingerprints

Can be extracted From a celebrity Selfie using AI tools Warning that the seemingly harmless hand sign Could put Personal biometric Information at risk

All photos from Here forward Just fucking Just hiding your fingers It's like the old days When they The generals When they put it

in their In their color. Well, what's next? Then they're going to do redness scans. And now you won't be able to go outside without your classes on. What's next? I'm sticking my hands in my pockets of my dress with a dick in my

ass! Yeah. All you have to do is not do this and just go just flip it around. Flip it around and they'll do fingernail scanning. Foto's taken from 1.5 to 3 meters. What the fuck's a kilometer? What's it

in yards? Give it to me. Feet. In yards. Photos taken from 1.5 to 3 meters away could still reveal roughly half of the fingerprint details. He added, well, get the other half. You're going to see me do this once, baby. If you only get half from that.

Anyway, I just thought, I don't see this going anywhere. I think the whole face and body scanning, seeing through your clothes, is a little past the fingerprint point, but I don't know. outside of scanning and saving myself three seconds of having to type in my password, I'm not doing a whole lot of finger scanning anymore. Yeah. I also don't do this. Yeah, but you could.

But I don't. But you could. I usually just kind of stand there with a face. With a face. So there you go. So that technology is out there. So if that's something that worries you, then don't do it. All right, we have a big ass email.

It's a humdinger of a hogbone. Let's slide in. Zach. Cut. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

Okay. Fuck you guys. Whoa. At this point, your show is starting to feel like a probe into my past. But I love it. So what's up, Daddies? Here's your bi-weekly check-in per usual. Leave the last name out of the show.

You just left all of it out. Yeah. How smart. His name... Don't even do it. Oh, yeah. Because I already have enough editing to do. Brian called it.

And I'm the king of yes and. Okay. Especially when it comes to sexy time. That's a good way to do sexy time, I believe. You should really try some time. Right! It's kind of fun. Might end up in Japan, might get waterboarded by a stripper you never know where the night will go.

I like them. Yes, these are both personal references due to what you wish. Do that with... Perfect. Fuck you! Words! Do that what you wish. Do with that what you wish.

Come on. You got this. And it's supposed to say now, I think, but it says no to my point in the episode castaway. Sure it is. Gushers, push door, shoe phone, Joe. Do it, do it. What? Shoe phone.

Shoe phone Joe. Shouphone Joe. There is. I just, I can't, I can't get that case home. The low finish. Joe said to your first threesome is never a good threesome. Wrong! Well, mine was.

It wasn't any, anyways, it is in my top... Don't make me read. Well, mine wasn't anyways. It is in my top 10 experience ever. That was a rough sentence. It is. You should have proof for it. It all starts on the good old app Tinder.

And it was usual, it never fails to hold up to it legacy. Okay. I was swiping through when boom a match with a blonde, we will call Bethany, who was not too far away and started messaging them quickly, exchanged Snapchats. She is six meters away. It is your mom. It's your mom. Your sister is horny.

Snapchats get exchanged, and she asked if I want to come to her friend's house and chill. I was out the door before I finished reading it, asking for the address on the way. This guy was horny. I get there, AMD. And? I know. I was doing a thing. Oh, I see.

Sorry about that. It's all right. And she answers the door and lets me in where I greeted by her friend and her friend's boyfriend, let's call him Aaron, call them Aaron and Kara, Kara. Great. Depending on how you pronounce your raise. I instantly felt like a giant write-off, that being that no one in the room was taller than 5'4 or more than 130 pounds.

And while I'm not a giant, it's 6 foot 638 pounds. pick attached. I didn't attach it because you wanted to be anonymous. So y'all can see what your son looks like. And also it says 238 pounds. What did I say? 600. What? I thought you were being funny. Didn't I say six foot, 238 pounds? He said six foot, 638 pounds.

Oh, my bad. And I was waiting for you to go back and correct it. Nope. See, that's how I know you don't know if you're doing a joke or not. Nope. That's why I corrected. I wasn't a joke. I just said it wrong. Back to you. These details will never come up again, but just felt like,

adding it. So there we are playing cards against humanity when Aaron and Kara disappear and I start to turn on the charm with Bethany. We start making out and she leads me down a dark room. Me to a dark room. To a dark room.

What if it was like a camera film dark room? Oh, actually, yeah. You're like what's this? It's just like murder pictures. The red light is on. Yeah, there's pictures of murders. Here, grab the liquid get the gloves. Keep in mind, this is my first time in the house

And have not been past the living room I have no clue where anything is at I start giving her the Australian kiss You know like French kissing but down under Okay Nice one Aaron and Carrick am walking in And this is when I realized this was all set up

Because their acting Was worse than anything Nicholas Cage has ever done Trying to be surprised and saying it was okay and tiptoeing around asking to join, oh, what's going on here? Whoa. Me not having many sexual hangups. I mean, I did

fuck a guy's wife on his own lap while he was passed out. Of course, that's right. So he just gave his own name away. It's this guy. It's this guy. Amber. Fucking cum face. How could I forget?

I forgot that that's what We were talking about... Fucking cum face. Okay. Of course. Just went along with it. Aaron laid down a couple rules. One, no man on man eye contact.

This is the second time we've heard this. Don't fucking look at me. Okay. And how am I supposed to know where you're playing? Two, and no point will there be any gay shit? At no point. Okay. I don't want to hear you coming.

Three. You have to muffle your cum. Karen Bethany begin to make out and undress each other before they came and grabbed. I was just going to say, he's like, no gay shit. And he's like, Karen Bethany started making out that Aaron jerked me off. Started rubbing my taint. Whoa. With his penis.

Hey, rule number two, and he looks you straight in the eyes. Don't look at me. The rule number three is don't fucking talk about it. No rules. No, number four is don't know rules. I lied. I could do whatever I want. Number four is I'm a liar.

Okay. Can dress each other. God, where are we? Karen and Bethany begin to make out and address each other before they came and grabbed up and guided us to the bed. Yes, I know this is starting to sound like foursome six. But we are getting there, you inpatient bastards. Okay, there I am getting head from Bethany. Okay, there I am.

this is the word like if I was if I pick this up as a romance novel yeah I'd be sitting there fucking limp struggling so hard to read zero punctuation just bladdley there I'm getting head from bethany no punctuation Aaron getting head from carra when I hear oh my fucking god come from kara Bethany stops and kara asks to switch bethany proceeds to ask why are we are just getting started Okay. Parentheses. Kara says, in no uncertain terms, I'm jealous, proceeds to grab my dick and says, look at this thing.

Look at it. He's like, that's rule number one. Full disclosure, here I never considered myself to be packing, but almost as big around as a monster can and seven and a half inches long. That's a fucking hog, bro. Like, what, this whole thing? Just a monster energy drinks. Just fucking yeah. It's like sitting on a mortar.

Fuck. I never considered myself to be huge. You've never seen another P. Have you ever interneted? Jesus. WWW. Hi. May I join your small dick club?

No. Show me your dick. Show me your dick. Nope. Oh my God. Did you ride that here? Fucking hog bone. He said no pick unless you ask nicely.

Okay. Are we asking nicely for... I don't want to see his dick. I've seen big dicks. Okay. Yeah, you look at yours every morning. I look over to a furious errand who is already getting out of bed. I thought you guys said he had a small weiner.

You said that was big. And you're breaking number four. And watch... Like you said, no gay shit, are you? If I could get him a nuky Get your small dick out of here Jeez Get out of bed

And who walks his bare ass out of the room Just Fuck it's the saddest exit I don't even like having sex With more women He's just seeing his little But cheeks Wobble while he's walking out

I don't like it Oh He'll be around He's trying to walk out of the room He has to step over your dick He trips on your dick Trying to leave the room Hits his head on the door

You won't help I can do it I can do it Move your dick This is where the first Foresome sex Becomes the first threesome sex Min is one

And well Threesome sex things happen Okay He's like well he's out of the picture Yeah like boo Get in my hair Karen must have started to feel bad after a while And say she better go check on him

And she leaves Oh If this story ends with him Jerking off in bed alone Well, he both console him in another room. He's just fucking him and his monster can. It's not the Europeanus is small. It's just his is a monster.

I look at Bethany and tell her maybe he should had added your dick. Wait, what? Yeah. I look at Bethany, tell her maybe he should had added your dick can't be bigger than mine to the rules. Ah, got it. Putschline. Got it. Joe, she added your dick can't be bigger than mine to the rules.

We continue But it's a little hard to perform when I can hear Karen And Aaron yelling at each other But after a bit, it get quiet And Kara comes back into the room and joins back in I calmed him down, jerked him off Tell me get out of here Things finish and we're

And we are laying there And I ask Kara on a scale of 1 to 10 How mad he is She quickly says 11 And then I'm not allowed back in their house I walk out and here comes Aaron from another room still naked trying to fight. He gets a good swing right on the chin and surprises me.

As I'm recovering, he tries to tackle me. Now, I don't know if you've ever tried to grapple with a small naked man, but it's a bit more challenging than you would think even when you have 100 pounds on him. I get him under control and we proceed to hold him in place laughing the whole time. Aaron finally calms down and I release him and leave. Just like pushing and like Named 10 candy bars.

Name 10 candy bars. While your dick's just You're using your dick to hit his forehead. Name 10 candy bars. By poking his little pecker. What's this little thing? What's this? What's so much for no gay shit?

What's so much for no gay shit? You fucking flapping your dick on his face? Rule number two. Rule number two. Bethany. seen each other Bethany and I maybe have seen each other on and off for two

years and Aaron and Kara occasionally were out and about if we're at a bar or the lake but no more for some sex oral of the story don't have the biggest dick and for some sex or do I guess it kind of worked out well that's the story daddy's love the show

keep up the good daddying and whatnot hugs and tugs from Uncle Zach to Uncle Zach by bye from your stepson son son of an ex carney not saying his name. Not saying his name. That took a while. Yeah.

We made it through. Yeah. That's a wild tale, though. Yeah. Why would you end up fighting a guy? Fucking fighting some naked guy. After fucking everybody in the room? Yeah, I guess.

But why would you... I don't know. I guess they were young. But Aaron, why would you put yourself in a situation if you're going to be that hurt by your penis size? I mean, if they're all relative size, he probably was assuming, well, this guy, it will all be, you know, you see a monster walk in the room? But who cares? Well, when she says what she said.

If you, oh, when she wants to switch. Yeah. I forgot about that part of the story. He got mortified. Because she's like, she grabbed and she's like, look at this fucking hog. I won't be around anymore. Yeah. I mean, you would feel pretty small.

I mean, like, in a figurative term, like, oh, wow, it is huge. Okay. So my initial reaction is I get it. So that's what a real dick looks like. But fighting people and stuff. Come on. It's not going to help your tiny dick. Yeah.

He's going to kill you. He's put some pants on. Jesus. Not only were you upstage by his giant penis, but you're held down in a tickle torch. Now you're in a headlock and you're naked. The guy's laughing while he's doing it. And he's hard. If you weren't emasculated before, holy shit.

Now it's terrible. Well, that's it. That's 206. Something you want to see on the show. Hey guys at Can You Don't Podcast. com. Subscribe on Patreon. Patreon.com.

Slash can you know podcast. There's also a link in the episode description. Head on over there. Sign up for whatever tier is right for you. That's how you get the bonus content. Get merch early, ad-free episodes, all that shit. Rate and review us, wherever you listen to the shows. Uncle Zachypoo?

Yes. Scatcast. Yes. Operation Splatterscat is going to start June 1st. Okay. So that's coming right up. Coming right up. Perfect.

We'd love to see you. Perfect timing for some promo. Yes. Scatcast. com. splatter scat splatter everywhere America, Canada

Australia, UK Ooh Downanda And shout out to the babysitters that moderate the Kenyan down playground on Facebook Let's wrap this thing up I got a fact for you

La la la la la Good God Wrap it up already A factoid Maybe even And this one actually made me do a double take Cornflakes were invented To suppress sexual impulses and desires

Yeah So if you ever wondered why they're terrible. That's it. That's where it was. John Harvey Kellogg invented corn flakes back in 1894, but they were later used as part of an extreme diet promoted by his church to basically suppress horniness. Yeah. What a great marketing. He goes, I'm going to get the church involved. Kellogg's thought sex and masturbation were abnormal and unhealthy. So he believed cornflakes and their lack of flavor would help fight off any desire. If you needed proof that humans have always been stupid. There it is.

And horny. And horny. And stupid. Don't touch your dick. Eat these bland flakes. It'll really keep your dick beaters at bay. I mean, compared to the body of Christ, it probably tastes pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. You show up and you just put it out and you get the G's it. And you just get a little sugar out of your pocket. Mm-hmm. Little packs. Yeah, just a little splendid.

Mm-hmm. That's a better taste than Jesus. All right. Off to the bonus content. Love you guys. Bye. Ha-h-h-h-h-h-h-ha-ha-h-h-h-h-h-h.