Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Ice Tray. Drug Test. Bert. Box of Goon.

Episode Date: June 24, 2026

Does a naked 5k count as a form of ASMR? Let's talk about that, a website that widens the scope of measuring everything in football fields, throwing up in the middle of sex because you couldn't handle the smell, Joe standing in a bathroom alone for 10 minutes because he didn't know how to get drug tested, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/LyNYAHunAS0Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Ice tray. Drug test. Burt. Box of Goon. Jeez, I was just trying to adjust my hat. My headphones were stuck to the back of my hat. I picked it up and it ripped like to start pulling on my ears. It's not fun. No.

It hurt. It's fine. Because pain is pleasure. Are you a misogynistic? Or what do they call it? Massacist. Massacist. off to a roaring start.

Love it. It's like, that happens. You're like, do you hate women? You're like, that's, I don't think that's the tie together. You son of a bitch. Episode 2.10 of the Can You Don't podcast? I've been talking for a week straight. Have you been using a radio voice?

No. Not that one. Come on. No. Can you listen? I just got to talk like that. Come on. Go ahead.

If you have it, you should do it. I said, what position do you play? What position did you play? No. Be radio man. Come on. No, you can't radio man news talk radio. Uh-huh.

I think you just proved you can't. 13 people died today. No. No one wants to hear the news like that. 15 houses were lost today. I'm just picturing, okay, going back. Sorry, memories. But like, my dad passing away and the guy walks in and he's like,

I don't think he's going to make it. Like, super sick. Super dead. Passed away. We had some people reach out. I'm going to fire that back up again. We had some people reach out about concern for us here in the Northwest in Spokane area. Are we fine?

Are we okay? Because it's going to be a insane. wildfire season. Like the whole thing, like there's a, there's a, I don't know if it's a man or a woman who, in one of the big fires

that's in the area right now, she just ignored every evacuation warning and just stayed in her house and burned. But she, I thought, I saw a thing that they said, a body was found. Yes,

was it her? Yes, they did. Avoided all evacuation warnings. How? Die. Those were so loud in your face. Yeah. And she was,

I don't know, but there's, like, maybe you couldn't do it. Maybe didn't understand. Maybe elderly, right? Yeah. And they've lost it a little bit. So always quick or slow to jump to any sort of conclusion. Well, they can't jump because they're old. And why jumping, because they're old.

Not funny that she died. I know. You've got to take a jump when you can get it. But people are reaching out because there's so many fires in this area. I think there's some fucking dickhead running around starting them. Yeah. That's what sounds like. Yeah, it really does.

Anyway. I think people are just doing that now because there's so many fires. They're just, oh, it's another fire. Oh, didn't know. Send in your content suggestions to, hey, guys, at can you know podcast.com. That's us. We are, at this time, seven away from Brian and Zach eating the Susseroming. So we're working through our honkathon marathon.

I mean, this marathons is going. This is the longest marathon. Imagine if we had to move. Yeah, imagine this was a real marathon. Yep, but just we're so close. head on over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. We're like that guy that's like

you remember when he was Marathon, his legs were given out and he's like collapsing over the I feel like we're just like collapsing right at the finish line. People came up and picked him up and carried him to the finish line but in this situation

they pick him up and just carry him a little bit and then drop him back down again. Yeah. So we're working our way through the Honkathon Marathon. If you have it and you are in a financial position to support the show

and watch me be so happy watching my two best friends throw up head over to preacheron.com slash can you know podcast we can reach the It's just fish, right? 450 mark and watch these guys eat some fermented herring. Fish and booze. Yeah.

And well, yeah, nice. Segway. And this was sent in. I love that the printed receipt, it says total wine and more. So they were like, this is what goes with it. But this was sent in and it says, Hello, Daddy's Joe, Brian, and Uncle Zach.

This is from Lynn H. I want it to help with your fishy festivities. So here is your spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down. Just a spoonful of sugar. So you guys have what looks like vodka. I would assume it is... It's a Scandinavian booth. Yeah, but it's not even...

I can't. Try to read... It's like produced and bottled in Iceland by... Let me see. Good luck. Here, just, I'm a trick. Oh my God, you have your glasses? Yeah.

Good luck with that. I got to do the face. Yeah. We'll lean back. Imported by... Brindifian in America. Where does it say it's from, though? Where am I looking?

Are you on the right side? Other side. The label. Drake is the scout. There you go. Ah, produced and bottled in Iceland by Ogreloin, Eagle. Scala Grimson.

HF That felt like a H-grem Aquavit So Helsinki Finland maybe Yeah sure E See

Remember? Mighty Ducks 2 Oh no I never saw Mighty Ducks 2 No I stopped at 1 How dare you I just watched the first one The other night with the kids

So head on over to Patreon.com So it can't you know podcast They can get drunk and eat And throw up A little tidbit from our son Aaron before we get rolling. He says

Hey Daddy Brian. It's addressed just to you. Oh yeah, I got a lot of these. Maybe you should take it. Yeah. What does it say? I don't get my glasses. I can't believe you remembered him. I saw him on the table. I'm like, you know what I'm going to throw him in and see what happens. Hey Daddy Brian! Currently listening to you bitch about your red light

ticket. Don't run red lights. And also if you argue it argue it, you won't get charged. They have to check calibration for every ticket fought. It will get dropped. The reason they ticket people like us instead of homeless people is because you can afford it.

Salsa, learn how to read, sent from my Bifone. I love I love it. I got a lot of emails over this. And is this do I need to make a public apology? It's up to you.

No. No, but I do. I realize that tickets are my fault. I get it. I'm not naive and dumb enough to realize it's not my fault. I got the ticket. The aggression on the, the pooping on the sidewalk and all that kind of stuff had to do with

just my overall frustration and stress because how busy and how much running around we're doing and all the fucking road construction. Yeah, pretty bad. It really is. So it's just, it was a culmination of anger. Yeah, it wasn't from the soul. And frustration. Yeah, it was from the frustration.

not from the soul. No. Yeah, you knew. That's fair. No. And it's a comedy podcast. Got to play it up a little bit, right? Right.

All right, moving on. Zach, play the next fucking thing. Shut up. Start the show already. Woo-woo. Well, I mean, this one's from Seth, so let's just get right on into it. Hey, Seth. I don't know.

Some of them are just like, how do you think this stuff up? And then you see this one like, like seriously, how do you think this stuff up? Like, how does this even... Would you rather always have to dress up and roleplay as Bert and Ernie every time you have sex? And I assume maybe you have to try the voices too. Yeah. Yeah. Because everyone can do somewhat like a version of that, like to a degree.

All you got to do is just... Put in the back of your room. Yeah. Yeah. So you have to do. Okay. Okay. Love it.

Or always have to slowly bring out a Hitler hand puppet to join every conversation. Sent from Grouch's butthole. Okay. I'm guessing, Seth, this is stemming from when we were having the whole conversation about getting plowed by Big Bird. Which was also from Seth. I believe. So he has a youngan. He's watching Sesame Street and he's wondering, how can I come?

How can I laugh and also? And maybe come. Ejaculate. Yeah. God, now I have to take a peek at. Bert and Ernie's outfits. Well, let's start with Bert Nernie. Yeah.

It doesn't mean like a stripe. Anyway, it was like orange and yellow or orange and green or something. It's a lot. Don't do colors with me, please. Oh, right. Because you're an idiot when it comes to colors. Thank you. So there are a couple different angles I'm thinking about, oh, yeah, there they are.

Well, I'm going to bring up the love it. Hey, Bert. Oh, hey, Bert. So a couple of different ways you can look at this role play thing. Yeah. So let's say. It's a hamburger and a banana. Someone that's been in a relationship for 20 years and has done it all.

and you're like, how could we make this kind of fun? And also not take ourselves too seriously, do something like that. You know, it's like, oh, it's just a fun little role play. We've been married trying to liven things up, maybe giggle, and just take your relationship back to the early days when you just had fun and you goofed off and all that kind of stuff. Yep. Joe just flashed, or, you can say that. Yeah, he flashed me his penis. No, there was an image flashed up on the screen.

So there's that. But then there's all, now think about you're single and you're on like a dating app or something like that. You're out there looking for either love or just a sexual connection, whatever it is. You're out there swiping. What happens?

Yeah, you're out there swiping. Just kind of... So you're single guy and you you see this person and you're like, oh, yeah, like that, you swipe. And then you get, I don't know how it works, But do they swipe back or do they say, yeah, I'm into it? Yep.

Okay. So let's say that's what happens. Now you go meet up with this person. You go out to a bar. You go out to a restaurant, whatever it is. And if you go back to the place to get a little freaky, you pull out your little duffel bag. Don't you say pull out your little ducky? Rubber dokey.

No, but you pull out a couple of Burton Ernie costumes and you're like, I'm really into this. but the only way this can happen is you have to wear this. Here, put this on. Listen, I love you. Put this on. Yeah. Well, you don't even, at that, you're like, we just met. Things were going really well at dinner, and now it's like, oh, wow.

I think saying I love you is the only way you're going to get someone to dress up in the pertinery. So you don't think the first date thing? No, I think that you. first date, it's just like immediately off the table. Like, you're not, you cannot bring Bert and Ernie cosplay to the first day. Even if it's like a hookup situation? Yeah, there's, there's a place for it. You have to, you're going to have to live in a giant city where shit can get weird, right off the bat.

Like there are furries running around and stuff like that. Sure, you're going to have an L.A. or a New York or the population where, The odds are at least in the favor that they also can't have sex unless they're in costume. And maybe you'll have a chance. So it's not happening in Johnsonville, Iowa? No, it's not happening in medium city United States. You need so many options. Everyday America city, what do they call that?

What? What do they call that? It's just Americana. Just those little everyday American towns when they always, the flyover. I'm not going to happen. But I just want to paint you guys a picture here. And I'm not trying to decide who is hotter, bird, or Ernie. I want to see you paint a picture with your being colorblind and how that would look.

Oh, I can do it. Okay, take a peek at this little tuft right here. This little fun. And I want you to imagine you're on top. Okay? And that, that's what you're holding on to. Like, that's where you're like you're, like, you're, like, you're, like, you're, like, you're, You're reaching the finish line and you're doing the big grip, right?

To really, really give it. And that is what you have? Oh, my goodness. Also, just not even the tough, just that face. So you're like, you're getting really close. It's like, it's about to happen. You're like, yeah, and you're really, things are really heat up. You fucking love that, Bert.

And then you open your eyes or she opens her eyes. Where do you want me to come? That face is over the top of you. Where do you want me to come? Do it inside. Okay. Oh, man. I know, like, that's kind of Kermit Frung, and I know those voices are kind of similar, but I can't remember exactly what they sound like.

It's a good amalgam of them all, though. Yeah, it's all kind of thing, you know, you put them all together. Put them back there. It's an amalgamation. Oh, my not plugged in? Oh, there we go. Hey, Bert. Hey, Bert.

There's Bert. Bert. That's Ernie. Burr. Oh, brother. Ernie. I can't sleep. I'm hot.

Are you hot, Bert? No, I'm not hot. But if you are, why don't you just go open the window or something, Aaron? Oh. Oh. Good idea, Bert. No, dear, Bert. I'll just.

God. That? I kind of want to see how the story ends. I'm hooked. I'm about to come, Bert. Yeah. Yeah, you're talking like that. Hey, do you like it?

Oh. Oh. You like it when I put my finger in here, Bert? What's your favorite hole, Bert? Just open this window. It's getting pretty hot and sweaty in here, Bert. Bert, wait, whoa, wow, wow, wow, wow. Bert, I'm up!

Do you hear that sound, Bert? I'm up! Yeah, yeah, I hear it, yeah. Well, Bert, that is the sound of the wind blowing, Bert. That's the sound of your ass cheeks slapping against my pelvic bones, Bert. That's the sound of my... That's the sound about your ass cheeks hitting my thighs, Bert. Wow, tell me.

I'll leave me alone. What is that? I'm about to come, Bert. Always have to slowly bring out a Hitler handpuppet to join every conversation, which I think it's not about the awkwardness of that situation, obviously. But if Hitler has nothing to do with the conversation, which is 99.9% of conversations. Usually not ever, yeah. Well, you can't say that. Well, now Hitler's very prominent in conversations.

But he just shows up. Every conversation, like, you're talking to your kids, right? Bedtime. You're like, they did something wrong. Yeah. Or you're trying to discipline them. And they're like, I know, I don't need something wrong. And you just slowly slide up Hitler.

The kids are like, no, dad, not Hitler. No, no. You mean nine. Yeah. You have been very bad boy. You must go to sleep now. I know. Traffic stops?

Oh, God. You know how fast you were going? Am I being detained? You know how fast you were going? And just a Hitler hand puppet, he's like, oh, no. He would call him backup immediately. You don't have a chance. Mine don't.

Oh, I don't even know that. Every conversation. Like, even standing in your favorite retail store. And someone's like, ah, the weather today, huh? Can I help you find something? Can you help you find something? And you just bring out Hitler, hand. puppet?

Do you have any thing in a youth small? Do you have any gas tanks? A use Hitler? Yeah. The Hitler youth? What kind of haircut you're looking for? Well, based off like, yeah, based off those two just situations, one is in public, one is in private. I think I could get used to coming as Bert or Ernie, but society will never accept me for having a Hitler hand puppet.

there's there's something about okay now real quick if I could go back to my original thought was you're trying to spice things up in a marriage it's been forever but now picture a thing where you know you've got young kids you're busy and it's hard enough as it is yeah you got it's hard enough as it is to to make it happen and usually when it does it's like at night at bedtime and it's kind of like yeah just do it real quick and get over but you're like you nudge up against her And she's like, and then you had the little puppet and you reach over and you're like tickling her with that little tuft of hair. No, yeah. Gooden, Arben.

I picture trying to fuck, but the, it just kind of surprise, or just like surprise, right? You don't always, where the feeling just came. And then now you are tripping over your fucking outfit. Have you seen my shirt? Like, trying to put on a mascot outfit? I told you just to leave the clothes on the puppet. Or your, oh my God. I wanted to wash him.

It had stains all over it. Picture from the wife or whatever, your girlfriend's perspective. Where she's like, good night. And you're like, good night. And she fucking rolls over and you're just laying there in the urnese, your fucking outfit. Yeah, she comes. She's getting her makeup off and all that kind of stuff. And the lights are off.

She comes and crawls into that. She's brushing her teeth in the bathroom mirror. reflection through the door, there's just an Ernie standing in the hallway. But with no clothes on, just an Ernie Muppet. Not in the witspot. It's just, but also holding somebody's hard. But also holding Bert's head. You ready?

Because we're just picturing it from the guys, like, dressing up and trying to get the woman to do it. Now, but like, you know, women initiate some, you know, but now, like Ernie coming up and trying to be, trying to be, sexy and like trying to you know she gets home from the bar she's been drinking she gets home she's like oh my god but she puts it on to walk into the room she's like mah it's like the heads on backwards the shirt's on backwards give me that dick Bernie you're like fuck god damn it oh god damn it's something

fuck it's two o'clock in the morning bert I have a meeting at 7 a.m. Burt Give me that Ernie dick Yeah, just unreal Even with that, I'm still picking it Because I'm not doing a Hitler hand puppet in fucking public Yeah, I'm around too many kids and stuff like that I just

Every conversation I'm picturing like a situation where we're at baseball And I say something the empire comes walking up And I'd be like He turns around and goes, what'd you say? You get a Hitler hand puppet up at it? Because now the conversation's been started Yeah

Yeah Is that some strike? Oh yeah, like a sports, a sports team, a halftime pep talk. The coach. What are we doing out there, boys? We need to eliminate them. Get rid of them. Kill them all.

Kill them all. He's hurting. They're like fired. That's enough. So anything in private, I'm going to pick that one. Yeah, Hitler's too touchy of a subject. Although any puppet, it would be awkward, but Hitler's putting that over the top. Yeah. And even once you get exiled from society, you have to go jerk off with your... One last thing before we move on.

Would it be easier if you swap them? So you have to dress up as Hitler for sex and then you get to bring... No. Ernie out. Outside in public, it would be a little easier. But you're a creep. Dressing up as two Hitler's fucking each other? I'm getting...

Because now I'm going back to the... Let's see you're swiping right and you show up... You show up to that day and you're just in full Hitler guard. They wouldn't make it that far. Nope. But you're at the date and you're fine. I guess once you get back home, you come walking out of it. You're like, let me go freshen up.

Go in the bathroom, come back out and you're dressed in full Hitler garb. Could you dress as Eva Braun? Yeah, maybe she dresses as Eva. Nice. You're like, oh, you like some gurgles and gary? No, that makes it worse. He said you like the tickles? Yeah.

You could survive. in public, but you are forever, like, only time you could ever do that would be like kid performances at a library. That's your life. Those are your public conversations. No way. Yeah, I'm doing the bedroom thing. I'll fuck you guys.

Zach? Bedroom. All right. Sounds good. What are you thinking about? Let's do it! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Every once in a while,

I just go through it, but then I think like, that's Aaron. Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's just like, she's doing good. So the what are you thinking about for this week? The emails are hitting you, huh? Yeah, I just remember it and I was like, ooh. What about it?

The emails are working, guys. Brian just took a sip of his ice coffee and then turned away before slamming it down into the microphone. Keep it up. Keep it up, bro. We're winning. I'm learning, man. We're winning. So this story, you know, I'm not going to draw it out too far.

But I've been well aware, as I'm sure everybody on the planet has been, is that I have been ADHD for my life. Is that shocking? No. No. It is not shocking. And what I know about ADHD was in college. And I never struggled with like the. school aspect of it

because I was able to knock things out. But I think I've always had to like try a little harder to focus myself and focus my brain from jumping all over the place and noticing weird shit and all that stuff. And then that was like early life. And then when I went to college, like a very popular thing for college kids

is taking like Adderall. They have different variations of it now because they've realized they're like, oh, this one is not good for hearts. So they came up with other ones, which you're probably going to not be good for hearts, but we'll find out. And that's the best part.

And in college, I had a friend who had ADHD and had a ton of Adderall. And the solidifying fact that I had ADHD was that I would take it and everyone else would take it to party and I would take it and it would calm me down. I'd be like, hmm, nice.

This is what it's like. I was like, is this a fucking hot tub. Like, just love it. So, it was doing its job. And even throughout my college life, I went to the doctor and talked to him about it. And the doctor at the time was like, well, what he said, he's like, well, you're doing, like, you're still doing fine. So, no. He goes, you're fine.

He goes, you're fine. You don't need it. And I was like, okay, got it. And just kind of let it go. I also, kind of like you, where you don't want to just add a bunch of prescriptions to your life that you don't need, but it also was very helpful. And when life got, like the huge jump between high school and college when it comes to schoolwork is wild. You go from, this is easy to, oh, I have to actually do a lot of work now.

And that's where I really started noticing it, but I made it through college and then just carried on with my life. but just recently with the addition of 17 different jobs that I'm doing right now I started notice I was like oh man I was like I'm dropping you can feel it you can feel yourself dropping the ball in different places just because of your brain your organizational skills and how you're going to line these things up and get it done and not start a project and then leave the project go do something at the project and then forget about the project you were supposed to do until it's too late. And then the stress and anxiety comes back.

And you're like, oh, man, I should have just spent 10 more minutes on this. And then I wouldn't be losing my fucking mind right now. So I went back to the doctor about like two months ago now. And while we were, you know, just doing checkups and stuff. And the focus of that checkup was because I always have to go get your, you have to get your blood drawn for testosterone.

Because you have to make sure that it's not. fucking everything up. It's also how they can make sure they take all your money. Mm-hmm. Which is always fun. So we are going through that. And as I was talking to her, she goes, have you been tested for ADHD? And I was like, kind of.

And she goes, okay. She goes, I'm going to set up a meeting. You have to come back in like a week or whatever. And so I went back. What triggered that? I'm going to get into it. Okay. Because I didn't know exactly what triggered that.

And she's, okay, got it. And probably because I was talking about just like life stuff and blah, blah, blah. And, you know, whatever, just being myself and in creating conversation. And she's probably listening to how I was talking, kind of like I am now. She's like, that's enough. You should have a podcast. This is going to be great. And so I went back and she's doing the ADHD evaluation.

This is not the point of the story. I'm going to get there. But she's going through the checklist of questions that she has to. And I didn't realize I was doing it. And she's asking me like, blah, blah, blah. Do you have a hard time this, the hard time of that? And then she gets to a certain point. And she looks down at the little checklist and she looks up at me.

And I didn't know that I was just sitting there like fucking playing drums and 500 beats per minute on my legs. And she goes, I'm going to say, skip this section. I'm just going to go ahead and do a big old check mark. She goes, I got it. And then at the end, I was like, yeah, she goes, no, I think, like, you have it. And I was like, yeah?

And she goes, yeah, I could tell because while the entire time I was asking you questions, your legs were bouncing off the ground as you slapped your thighs. Being like, yep, yep, yep. Yeah, you you betcha. You betcha.

It's just fucking And she's like this How's my heart, Doc? How's my heart? How's your heart? It's a little slower. So she's like, does anyone else do your family have it? I was like, yep.

So anyway, that's not the point. Recently got a prescription for ADHD, which has helped out a ton with how much I have going on in my life. but just a few days ago, and I didn't know that this happened. I 100% completely forgot that this is part of it. So it's a stimulant, it's a controlled substance. Okay. So when you pick it up, you have to show your ID to show that you're of age to get this

prescription. And I had like, whatever. And I showed up, it was checking back in to make sure everything's going fine. And my doctor did not walk in. someone else did, and they had a P-cup. So, I'm guessing because in the state of Idaho, and I don't know the exact whys, but they have to make sure that you're not doing other drugs along with it. So they're testing you to make sure you're not a weed head.

You're doing other myth. Or if they're going to give you this drug, they just have to make sure there's not any other, like illegal drugs that are playing apart into why you have ADHD or why you're looking for it, right? And I did not know that. And if I did, I forgot, which is also a symptom of the heat. Which is not they think they could have told me. I didn't know. So first, I didn't have to pee because I wouldn't pee before I went there. It was like just bringing a bunch of water. So I started, you know, they're talking to me. I'm chugging all this water. And I finally have to pee. And this is the point of like where I wanted

to get and how funny it is. I have never been drug tested, like, in a medical facility. And the nurse or assistant or whatever walks me to the bathroom and gives me the jar. And she's talking to me. And she has been through this routine. I have no idea how many times. So she has a list of rules about how this is supposed to go. And she's rattling them off. And I'm just standing there with an empty pee. And she goes, well, she was like, I can take a jacket,

blah, blah, blah, and she's just, just, just, like a Miranda rights. Just insane.

Insane. I'm like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, you got it. And she shuts the door, and I'm like, okay.

And I'm like, so I, oh, I know one thing, I have to pee in this thing. So I take it off and I pee in it and there's a little door in the,

the bathroom. And she goes, just knock on it to let us know that you're done. And so first of all, I opened the door and I put the pea jar in there. And before I can even put it down, they already open it and know. And I'm like, knock, knock, like through the door.

Because I'm me. And she takes it. And then I just stand in the bathroom. Because somewhere along the line, I missed it. And I thought I heard, once you hand this through, we will let you know when you can leave the bathroom. So it's just me standing in the bathroom. for 15 minutes I'm just

hands in your pockets I'm just going just buy myself in the bathroom forever I'm like this is weird I was like first of all

what did I do wrong did I accidentally do a bunch of drugs I didn't think I did it's all just racing through my head are they keeping me here because I've got drugs

in my system they're calling the police yeah and I was like well you haven't that'd be crazy all you do is work and sleep There's no way there You accidentally

took a bunch of drugs I'm supposed to Like that It's like that It's like I'm like that And then finally She comes over the door

She goes You can come out And it was like 15 Maybe 16 minutes And I open the door And I'm like And she's looking at me And I start laughing so hard

She goes You just been standing in there And I'm like yeah I was like Your instructions were so fast I didn't get any of that. She goes, oh my God.

And she's been standing out there in the hallway with my jar full of piss, not knowing if I was shitting or jerking off. She had no idea what I was. She was waiting on the outside the whole time. She was done, yes. She took my P-cup through the fucking bank deposit door and took it away and immediately walked out of her part of the office and had been standing outside the bathroom for 15 minutes, waiting to talk to me. And I'm going to sit in there being like, do, do, do, do you're both. And we laughed so hard. And I was like, I've never done that.

She goes, I'm going to assume that this is clean. And I was like, yeah, of course it is. I don't know what's happening. She goes, here's your jacket. And I was like, see ya. So just picture me. Like, I mean, the echoes were. Yeah.

Yeah, they don't soundproof those bathrooms. Good reverb, though. Oh, it's great. That's what I'm saying. It was awesome for drumlegging. Yeah. Real wet sound. But it was very, it was very funny.

When you just hear that voice just, you can come out now. And immediately I'm like, fuck, all right. You guys already tested it? She's like, no, I'm just waiting. Well, you guys were quick. Just standing here in the bathroom by myself. Being like, what did I do wrong? What did I do wrong?

How can I do better? Very funny. The first time I think I urinated in a cup, I walked out with it. And I'm like trying to figure out where to. I'm not like holding with it, like it opened, there was no litter. There was an open urine plastic cup looking for someone. I'm just standing out there. And she's like, oh, no, you can leave that in there.

And I'm like, oh, no, she didn't sit. She goes, here, I'll take it. So I just handed her like an open. Open jar of piss. Yeah. You got it. In the hall, like in the hall where people are walking by. Don't drink it all at once.

Hey. Hey. It's a weird thing, though. It is weird. And now I know. Because apparently this is going to. keep happening. Well, so how do you advise that I go get tested for ADHD?

Because I mentioned it. Drum on your legs? Well, I, because I went in there to get the anxiety. Five minutes if you just drum on your legs the whole time. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I went in there and talked to one of the doctors when I had to go get my anxiety medication because I was having panic attacks.

And I was like, I've heard that this can be sometimes being misdiagnosed ADHD. and how do I do that? And she's like, well, it's not really a doctor thing. You need to go to like a, like a psychiatrist or something is what she was saying. What an idiot. But then that's where I stopped. I was like, I'm not doing that. Like, listen, you're an idiot.

My brain was like, no, I got to do something else. I don't know the best way to do it. But you can try it. Because I don't know. Do you want me to illegally give you some? I don't know if I would even take anything because I don't want to take more medication. But it's like, I. when you're talking about all the stuff

that's like starting new projects not finishing one and having seven going and then not knowing which one to do so you don't do any of them like that's my fucking life and you get it like but that's the caveat with the why I hadn't

ever taken medication before is I get the projects done which is not like that's true I get them done so whether I will open the dishwasher and start putting the dishes away and then remember that there's like food that probably has expiration dates in the freezer that I start doing that.

And then I'm like, oh yeah, fuck, I had that email. And then I look back and the dishwasher's half unloaded and the freezer doors open. So that is, but eventually the dishwasher gets unloaded and the freezer door gets closed and the email gets sent. So that was what I was told. It's like, well, you don't actually have it originally. It might be the next day, but the freezer gets shut. Everything's thawed. Now all of them have expiration date, and that's now.

Yeah. So that kind of stuff is what I would do. But, like, I, you know, I've made it through life. Things have been fine. I've turned my personality into a career, and that's fun. And so it's worked out. But recently, it's been just so much to really balance it. And that's why I went back in and got it.

So, you can, I mean, you can try it. You can figure it out. But it does, you know, it increases. you're, you're, if you don't have it, you'll know right away. Because you still have anxiety, but you can have like a lot of it once you know that you're taking the medication, it's supposed to make you focus, but it's still not working the way you want. And then that can spitball into more anxiety. I've had that happen on multiple occasions, but it's not every day. Normally I'm able to buckle down and be like, now it is this time. And you're like, got it. And I sit down and do it and then cross

it off and um, I just never lived my life that way. Anyway, have fun. I don't even know if I would take the medication. I think I just want to know like, oh yeah,

there's something going on. Oh, you have it. This will help and you're like, no, thanks, doc. I'm not going to, like the glasses.

I'd like to keep struggling. You can't read and wear grass. I'm not going to wear glasses. I just wanted to know that my eyes were bad. That's all I wanted to know. I just needed confirmation that my eyes were terrible. I don't know how I look like a fucking idiot. Yeah.

Good. Yeah, you like something. Yeah, no, never mind. How about that? I don't care for him. All right, let's move on. Let's slide into some dick.

Zach? Is it dumb and it's dick, Dick, Dick? Is it cool? Is it dick? Dick, Dick. Did it, dick, dick. We've covered things similar,

but also not covered. Hey, oh, once you hear the story. So, White Tail Nudest Resort, in Ivor holds a 5K That's so funny Nudus running a 5K Is that what I'm getting in?

Yeah So we're going to Virginia As the press release states It's an event to Quote add to your bucket list Of things to do in 2026 More like your butt list

Oh yeah The join White Tail Resort For a nude run Walk It's a nude run slash walk Just imagine all the Titties and Dicks Just swinging and dangling around

You got it It says it's coming up on June 20th So by the time this episode comes out you missed it Registration is online Only here You do not need to be a member of White Tail Resort To register for the race This is an 18 and over event

That's a good idea idea. Registration in advance is 45 bucks to have your fucking dick and tits out, dude. Can you go watch it for free? No, if you show up day up, it's 50 bucks.

No, I don't know. So it's voyeurism Day. Yeah, I'd go hang out and just watch. I just love the details, dude. Race day check-in from 9 a.m. to 9.45. If they need a play-by-play guy, let me know. You have 45 minutes to get checked in. Get your fucking dick out and get down here. Like, where are you keeping your ID and all that, though?

You got to, I'm assuming. What do you pin your little running plate? Whatever it is. What's it called bib? Yeah, you're a little bib. Maybe it's a chain you wear around your... That's not nude then. The race is going to start promptly at 10 a.m.

Participants who registered by June 1st get a free t-shirt. I don't want to wear this. I guess you can't be naked all the time, but what a funny gift. Hey, well, you go to, that's what, it should be condoms. Yeah. If you register by June 1st, you get a free strap on. You get a free anal exam. Maybe you got to have a shirt to go into the store to get some service.

So that's, you take a free t-shirt. Yeah. And as I was reading, again, it's just this like weird kind of, uh, uh, uh, uh, promotion. or recruitment tactic because the next line says clothing is optional what are we doing

and who the fuck is running a nudist marathon in clothes passing people looking around there's five people wearing normal clothes

while a round of applause is happening with dicks bouncing off thighs it's just like here everyone clap this is what

it would sound like, yes, right there. That is someone rounding the stretch. Yay, way to go! That's a group of bros and some tits. Just bouncing as they head down the final quarter mile. Almost there. Almost there. Yeah, if you're cheering them on, then I don't have the clap.

It's just your dick bouncing off your thighs. Yeah, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack. There's just a bunch of that sound. Yeah. They've gotten so many complaints from neighbors. They're like, it's too loud. Like, the 4th of July just happened. Like, this, it's louder.

It'd be like one of those little, the little plastic hand clappers. Yeah, exactly. But, you know, imagine there's like 500 dicks on thighs. That roar? That's going to create a buzz. Yeah. No. Like, you know.

Scarce some birds. White Tail Resort will waive the day fee with your paid registration for the race. This year's race will feature professional race timing. Isn't that how Races work? We're actually going to time you this time. You won first place, buy your head. How I'm going to take?

Nobody knows. I don't know, what times did you get here? What time do you get done? I couldn't wear a watch. Professional race timers, who was doing it before? And how much money did they raise to finally hire professional race timers? 5K, dude.

It's probably volunteer. Yeah, because everyone's Stopwatches? No, everyone's coming out to volunteer because they're like, I'll go look at something naked. Yeah. The White Tail Resort

described itself as Virginia's only family-friendly nudist resort. You guys want the location? Kids welcome. Yep. 39033 White Tail Drive.

I'm going to look up that. It's about an hour drive west from Wavy Studios in Portsmouth. Fuck. Click here to see the full calendar events. Oh, there's more. I didn't see this early.

I'm finding our location real quick. So it's just outside of Chesapeake and Norfolk. Oh my God. Look at the fucking formatting of this. That is a busy. This looks like, I know, but look at the spacing of the times. So, I feel like I'm on shrooms. Looking at this.

They did it. They focused for a little bit of. May and they're like banana rum cup banana and they just start oh my god that's hard to explain but they all the times are lined up but all of the event titles are spaced by one space off i think they're just hitting space bar and not counting you're like not consistently the next page is better nope oh my god you guys coming up on friday the 25th of september they have who's looking this far in advance for a nudist place dude the time Time is now.

Is it all new? So is that nudist karaoke? Oh my God! Christmas karaoke? Look what's happening in October. October. The second of Friday,

the Friday the second, we bowling at 9 p.m. Nighttime, bedtime, bedtime, we bowling naked? Got something with Pearl Jam? National volleyball tournament

the 8th of the 11th, Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam. Pearl Jam. Which is such a... Adopt a highway litter pickup. I imagine. By that another accident late some guy bending over and grabbing litter with his just balls and ass crack hanging out getting a car accident because you're throwing up

Fucking kill a family because you can't stand to see a hairy now you're in 64 year old butt crack you're in court explaining what happened it wasn't my fault like we know Oh man it's this is that white pal with what jian white tail and they're like fuck god always something with those guys Were their tits out? I get it. I get it. You're free to go.

Like, I killed three families. Well, you're free to go. Shit happens. I would have done the same thing. But yeah, just the sound of a naked marathon is enough to bring it into the show. And that's what I did. Yeah. And the crowd that it would bring, it'd be quite the crowd too.

And then they'd be, it'd just be smelly. And like, did the two front runners racing down the, the stretch. Coming down just like the dick and then another dick is like

just branting slow motion show he's mine Darren just that slow motion

look and the dick's just going boom boom just and like just

and like every successful kind of recruiting program or corporation is going to have that promo video.

God. Playing in the office. Is they try and talk another family to join their family-friendly nudist colony? I have nothing against being nude. It is very natural. But doing certain things while nude is... And you also open it up to people that can wear clothes.

And that is scary. That's where I come out. I'm not showing up nude, but I'll show up and close and check it out. I'll show up and watch it out. your dick slap around. I'm scared of nothing. I'd just be entertaining. Yeah.

Do you want to read the next story? I've always said one of my, one of my favorite quotes is I'll look at anything naked once. Okay. Love it. And I stand by that. Mm-hmm. I get it. Won't try anything once, but I'll look at anything naked once.

You've made that very clear. Have you looked a butthole? No. Fuck. Not yet. Yeah. I mean, maybe if I attend this. I'll realize how

You want a choice You have a choice Get a nice sweaty one Yeah Oof That's a good place to start Only up from there That's what I'm saying

Like look at a marathon Butthole dude You feel like you're In heaven Moving forward You're like Oh my God This is a cakewalk

This is a nearly as bad Nude go from a nude marathon To a cake walk A literal like the cakewalk Remember those White Tail Nudus Cakewalk Naked people walking around That's in August

Oh, it's coming up. Oh, that's sweaty. Well, that's an awkwardly spaced August. Yeah. Just humid. All right. Let's go to the AP. Let's do it.

Ice says relaxed detention standards reduce the burden on contractors running its lockups. Got it. Oh, glasses on. Oh, fuck. Oh, yeah. Contractors running immigration and customs. enforcement facilities can rely more heavily on artificial intelligence

tools to communicate with detainees while continuing to pay people they hold $1 per day for voluntary work under relaxed detention standards released Monday. Monday. Monday. This report ICE said the standards which apply

to for-profit contractors in jails that hold detainees were revised with input from partners to reduce the burden on our detention operators. End quote. Experts said the changes would help contractors limit legal liability. It's a lot of ills.

Live, laugh, love. That'd be above a couch. Limit legal liability. Make yourself at home. Can you read that? You're like, I'm out of here. I'm out. This sucks.

This family's built on fun and shenanigans. Limit liability. Limit legal liability. reduce costs and get more operational flexibility while doing little, if anything, to improve conditions for roughly 60,000 people currently detained. It is, I just picture the meeting for this conversation. Because what they're describing is just shitty fucking parenting. It's just, they're like, listen, if we don't have to do anything, hear me out. If we're not required to do anything to make anything better, it's going to save you guys a ton of money.

I like it. I love it. Print. We can get AI to talk to them. And then we, what I'm going to do is nothing. And I'm going to sit here and continue to do nothing. And we'll just implement all this other technology to go do a terrible job. It'll save you like 60,000 bucks.

They're like, love it. our budgets this job is this job is so stressful if I did nothing what we're finding out is that we save so much money does anything get better

no no doesn't need to I guess doesn't need to so we're just going to sit here and continue to like do not great but the less we do so we already do nothing

so we're going to do negative nothing but net positive money but give you guys more money and they're like love it that's so fuck and someone came up with that idea and then with that money left over thinking how many robots we could get

dancing AI robots just some guard being like this is really stressful and hard for me but here's the good news if I don't have to do anything or talk to them or try then I'll

I'm so less stressed out like worrying about whether I have to do my job and then I don't protect anybody with my baton because I'm not stressed out. Yep. I don't have to protect anybody or worry about something or learn another language. So if we all win here. We all win here. You're going to save a ton of money if you hire people that don't do their job.

And they're like, you got it. It's fucking crazy. It doesn't sound that. Real. I mean, it doesn't sound fucking real. Imagine that in any other work environment where someone at, they're like, well, then why do we have you on it? And you're like, well, someone's got to do nothing. You're sorry. It's,

it's office space. What would you say? You do here. But just imagine that in any other work environment, when you walk to your boss, you're like, listen, this is so stressful.

I have a great idea. How about I don't do the job? Remember how I was doing this job? I hate it. I don't want to do it anymore. Mm-mm. And we can save you money. We save you money if I don't do it because then I'm not stressed out.

And then in the long term... Where are you going to go? You're going to go home and not get paid? No, I won't leave. I'll be there. And I'll watch everyone else not do their job too. And as long as we don't get involved, then we don't have like workman comp or training. And think about the amount of money you could save if we all just didn't do anything.

So where would you be? You stay in your office? Sure. I mean, I'm doing whatever. I'll talk to everyone else is doing nothing. We'll talk about our families and naked 5Ks. Okay. Well, how much money do you say this is going to save me? Mm-hmm. You do the math. I put it in AI. It's going to save you my salary at least. Basically, I'm free. Well, can we get rid of accounting? No. Because they chew up a lot of money.

You still have to pay a little bit for AI. Can we have AI do accounting? Right, but she has to stay here. She's stressed out. I just talked to her. She's stressed too. So she's going to do nothing as well. and we'll oversee how everything else is doing. So is everybody stressed out? Everyone's stressed out. No one wants to do it. Huh.

Got it? That sounds great. It's fucking crazy. Like, it's nuts. I was reading that and I was like, oh, my God. I'm too stressed out. Let's find someone else to do it. Can we do that?

No. Not yet. What if we both sit in the corners? I can do nothing. And we just have AI talk? That would be a funny experience. because it's come a long way, but if we went to AI and we trained our voices into AI, which you can do to have it emulate your voice, and then gave it a podcast, like gave it, gave it our show script,

he said, here's the rundown, here's how long it has to be, do it and see what it does. That is so funny, Brian. It'd probably do a better job. No, I don't think so. It would go hard on you not being able to read. The episode's 16 hours. Babbage blabba-baba. Ha-ha.

Ha, ha. I can't read. All right, let's slide off on this of petty beef. We have to settle something. Ha, ha. Homeless people. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated.

The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. What is it? I know we, I think a lot of people can relate to this one. I know I came in some ways and I'm probably guilty of it. I know you can, this is going to bother you.

Why? I just think it will. Okay. Hate it! This is from bad fish. There was no name. That's just the email. Is it naughty fish?

Yeah. Okay. It's been real bad. Hey, duddies and commie uncles. Shit. I have a petty bee for you. Okay. We have an old school fridge, i.e. no ice maker.

Okay. My wife will take the last couple of cubes out of a tray and put the tray back in the fridge. No idea why it bothers me so much, but it's one of our only problems in our marriage. Whoa! Why not just leave it on the fucking counter or whatever? Well, yeah. There's a lot, lots of this one. I know it's petty, but it grinds my geese.

Uh, other things like, oh yeah, never mind. I started reading a note that I put in there. Oh, that was a note that you put in. Other things. Other things. In addition to, uh, both those options fucking suck. Yeah. What?

Being like, why don't you do something like a normal person? Like, just leave it on the counter. I love how you try to come back with something that's so like. That's worse. Yeah. And yeah, it's just like, how does that help? Why wouldn't you just take the empty package? throw it on the counter.

Fuck. Bad fish. You knew. You son of a bitch. But yes, definitely in the moment, there are times where, with the ice tray situation, where like, I don't, I don't know if I've ever left. Unless I knew in that moment that whatever I needed the ice for, I had enough of the ice, but there was like kind of a time limit.

So what I would say was, I'm making, I'm making like two drinks. or whatever. And I have enough ice cubes to finish the drinks, then I would make the drinks and then walk them out and be like, well, this is all we're just having these. And then I'll figure that out later. That's the only situation where I could see myself not refilling the ice tray. Never leaving it for the next person.

I mean, it's the same boat as like, you know, leaving the toilet, like using all the toilet paper and then just fucking off. Like, there's also. multiple layers of that, like if there's more toilet paper right there, like you're a human, you probably could forget to refill it by the time you left. You're fucking off on your phone

playing candy crushers, some shit like that. But anyway, I have never known that. But the next step of that would be to have an empty ice tray, be done with it, and then just take it and throw it on the counter. Fuck on. Don't need you anymore.

I don't need you. What I'm going to do is just I'm going to make it blatantly someone else's responsibility. But is that better than a surprise? It's not that

it's not that hard to put water in it. Yeah. And it's kind of fun. Oh, it's fun. It trickles down. You watch them.

Yeah. I always move mine. It's a little race. Yeah. You're like, oh, I got left. I got left. And then, you know,

whatever. But, no. That type of shit, dude. I mean, you take the last, the last something out of a box,

whatever the item is, the last sleeve and a cookie in a sleeve and you just leave the fucking cookie box there or whatever. And then you're like, it's 11 o'clock and you're like, oh, I need a snack. You see the fucking Oreos. And you're like, oh, dude, what, there's Oreos?

And you go to open it and there's nothing in there. And you're like, fuck! And now that I read it again, I think that Bad Fish had some sarcasm behind that, but it's text message. So I was not sure why this is the only one of our only problems in marriage lull. Why not just leave it on the fucking counter or whatever?

And there's a question mark, exclamation point, question mark. He's been a smart ass. I think he's being a smart ass. So he doesn't do this. Right. He's just saying, why not just throw it on the counter? Might as well. Why not just smash it into the floorboards at that point, right?

So he's being funny about it. He doesn't do it. I don't know. I don't think it's that petty. I think it just comes back to, you got it. You guys have a great relationship, I think. If that's one of the only beefs you got, you guys are doing all right. You're looking pretty good.

But it does wear on you. It does wear on you. It's one of those things if you kind of, you're in a, let's say you're in a little spat or something like that. And you're just, you know, whatever, there's kind of some weirdness going on. You're kind of not in a good mood. And then you see that. It's one of those things that might put it over, put the argument or something over the edge where you wouldn't normally flip out. I was willing to forgive that.

Yeah. But goddamn this warm. This warm Pepsi's fucking. Yeah, maybe you got home from a hard day or something, and you're like, I don't want to fight. I just want to, like, sit and chill out. Have a cold. Yeah. Fresca.

Uh-huh. And she, and then she's laying in bed or whatever. You're like, I'm just going to hang out here in the living room. Oh, like a snack and a cold drink sounds so good. You go to lay down after a long day and the ice cube tray is in your pillowcase. You're triple. You pull the lever back in the chair and the ice thing flings. You're trying to be sexy.

you put your fucking Ernie costume on slip and fall over an ice cube tray hmm when all you had to do is just run it under the sink and put it back in the fridge I don't understand why it's so hard Bert Babe babe

oh you can do it well you are absolutely not wrong bad fish yeah just do it just put it back and you know that was it's been a thing it's been a thing

where mine has been, and we've talked about this too, is like when you are right next to the thing to put it the fuck away, like a coat, and then the coat gets hung on the back of a chair next to the coat rack, I'm guilty of that. I know you are. But turn left. Like, it's more effort to put it on the fucking chair than just hanging up on the coat rack.

Not in the moment it's not. You use, you use, says who. and or like you stuff then you go to put it away and you go to find out

it's next to like in the garage in a bin next to the shelf where you would put the bin pick it up like that shit is I mean it doesn't it's not relationship ending

but it's like god damn it it's right there just put it up you're so close and you brought up like boxes right where they like they get to stuff you're having

They got it. The house looks great. And you go out to where the recycling bin is and it's four unbroken down boxes. You don't have time. You don't have 20 seconds on your way out to be like, I'm going to have to break these down. I better grab a knife. It's like, no. What you're saying in that moment is you do it. Open the door and swimming.

Fuck you. Just toss it on the bottom. Here, you do it. That's what it says. It's like, I don't want to do it. And then you get it. Will you break down those boxes and take them outside? Why?

Because you don't want to do it? You can't do it. That's not a question. It's a... It's like, do I want to have a chance to fuck Bert tonight? Exactly. And it's, it's not a question, can you do this? It's do this, but I'm saying it in a way like, hey, can you do this to make it, to soften it?

But you're really, it's not, you don't have a choice. Yeah. Well, bad fish, from my perspective, you are 100% not wrong. Not at all. Not even close. And if you've never brought it up, you should bring it up. Did he say he brought it up? No.

No idea why it bothers me. What if she can't handle it? Oh, no. Well, someone else can. And that's life, baby. Someone else will be just as good and will refill the ice cube tree. Just kidding. I'm not promoting divorce.

She's that whole thing. She's a 10 out of 10, but she does the ice minger, yeah. What do you guys think? Yeah, agree. Okay. Just put some water in and put it back in the freezer, dude. Some water in it, motherfucker. Don't take it personal.

I wouldn't take a personal. Yeah. He's not doing it on purpose. Or maybe. Do you find a pattern that like when you're in trouble this shit happens? All right, well let's move on to our next. Oh shit. Oh, we can't move.

What? Shit. For the golden geese. Neil Daphne. N3. Stephen Grrr. Jordan. Go ahead.

Good. Did you finish him? Holiday. Todd. Hitler hand puppet, Zottenhaus. Daniels. Jason Klacer. Daniel.

Matthew Leonardi. The sofa king. Those are our golden geese. Thank you guys so much. If you sign up for that top tier at patreon.com slash can you don't podcast to get mentioned in every episode. And you get a personalized thank you video. The world is not all shit.

Let's take a look at some good news. Zach. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! Oh, I'm going to reach all the way up here. Yeah. Okay.

This one's just so cute to me. Is that? It was, yeah. So a... Hold on. Apparently my ad blockers on. Let me turn this off real quick here. Just for this website.

Oh, yeah, I can't even... A deadly brain cancer diet. Dynocies inspired this Bay Area artist. Most personal work. You guys are going to love this. Okay. Is that, uh, what? What's his name?

Really? Fab potato. Billy Bob Thornton. What? Why is it? What is this happening? What is happening? I can't even get in.

It didn't do this last time. Well, I can summarize it. I mean, maybe that's all we need right now. Uh, so this guy, I wish I could read his fucking name, but apparently if I look it on one computer and not this one, you can get right in and read the whole article. This fella, who's in the Bay Area, so San Francisco, had brain cancer, got the diagnosis. And he decided after he went through all the treatment and all these people at the hospital took care of him, he decided that he was going to paint portraits of all the people that took care of him. as gifts for his thankfulness.

Isn't that cool? I hope they're good. Don't. No. Time to judge. We were all thinking it. And if it wasn't behind a paywall. Wow.

Thanks, Jared. It just looks like fucking, oh, my back in? Oh, I might be back in. I'm glad we all thought the same thing because my first thought was, I first thought was, wow, it's really cool.

my immediate second thought was, what if you looked at your portrait and it sucked? And you were just like, I was almost, they are pretty good. This looks like a person with brain cancer painted, painted it. Okay, hold on.

Hold on. I had it for a second. Nope, I'm not subscribing. They are good. They are good paintings. I just saw it for, just for a second there.

But that is such a, and I don't know like people are that way where you get helped out and you're like how can I make sure they know you bring them a fruit cake or some sort of gift

arthritis cream you did that for me the other week that meant a lot to me and I jerked off with it did you? No and

you're tearing up with it who cares dude and he took he's like what could I do one that I will be special and two that shows how much I appreciate him and he paint that's so cool it's such a cool unique opportunity uh if you weren't a painter like we're kind of hinting towards you like I'm

gonna paint you pictures and you're like no I'll just take part of the inheritance there's there's enough waste in the landfill and you only have so much time please don't but that wasn't the case this guy was actually good luckily luckily he was a good He was good. Luckily for everyone, he was a good painter. I didn't have this thought before, but you're like a really talented caricature artist. Oh my God. Where you purposefully, you know, accentuate features of people? He ears and nose.

Yeah. And you're drawn like, you're like, I would love to draw a character of you. And they're like, mm-mm, nope. He's like, come on, that's all I've got. It's my only way of saying thank you. And you just show the picture. It's like, ming, it's fucking huge teeth,

giant nose, tiny eyes and a unibrow. Sitting behind his desk. Thanks, Martin. Just fucking unbelievable. Just ripping it off the easel. This is yours.

Like, you shouldn't have. It's the least, though, you fucking shouldn't have. You really shouldn't have. You've ruined my whole day. Yeah.

This is what you think of me? First, cancer. Fucking ruin my day. Your cancer ruined my day. And then now selfishly, you're going to give me a, What's exaggerated characters

you're painting? Yeah, it's not even framed. It's not even, yeah, just ripped off your easel. Just make, I can't imagine. All right. Moving off to something we found on the internet this week.

We didn't find shit. Zach! Fuck! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool, or go to prison.

Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. That's awesome. God, that music does get you in a little groove. Oh, yeah. Just, just...

God, it is good, man. It really makes you sit down. Makes you sit down in the pocket. Yeah, it is sinking down in my seat. Super wake. Sent in by our son Lee. Where the fuck's Lee been? He's back.

Le. Le! So this is a website called Josh Clark Calculates. okay Josh Clark Calculates dot com

Oh I see And what it does Is it allows you to compare Like measurements To just obscure things And the first one As we loaded this It says the Great Barrier Reef

Has the area of how many soccer pitches Calculate Beepo pooh About to find out Right there The Great Barrier Reef has the area of... Holy shit.

595.1 million soccer pitches. What? And then it gives you the stats. And then you go back in. Let's see what's next. I would have thought a million soccer pitches would have been

a lot. Closer. Yeah, a lot. Like, whoa, that's a lot. A hippopotamus has the weight of how many sumo wrestlers? You guys interested? Can I take a guess? Hippopotamus. Eight.

Eight. sumo wrestlers and the answer is 3.08 okay yeah then it has the stats for you let's do one more here because when I did do this it had soccer fields pop up

a gorilla has the weight of how many cats uh 40 what 47 47 oof I wish I knew how big a like how much a gorilla wait

cats are so light yes I know, but gorillas. Gorillas are heavy. Yeah. So you're saying a cat, if a cat on average, Zach knows more. How much is a cat weigh? Eight pounds. Yeah, something like that.

Okay. So eight times 10. 80. Okay. I'm thinking a gorilla is at least 300 pounds, right? Fuck, yeah, it is. I mean, my 47, I don't think it's crazy. I don't know.

I'm just trying to talk you through it. If you're right. I just throw out a number because, you know, 58 cats I was close though and I mean you thought I was said way too much the Saturn V rocket

has the height of how many bowling pins okay one more guest then we'll move on but this is a fun game is a fun drinking game go to this website then if you're whoever is whatever

depends on how many people are drinking bolling pins almost two feet long maybe What? How big is the Saturn V rocket? Tall. It's like the size of a rocket. But I don't know how it's tall.

No one knows. Let's say 200 feet. I would guess a bowling pin is a foot. I'm going to guess 250 bowling pins. Okay. Let's take a peek here. $2,500. Whoa.

97.7 bowling pins. Saturn V stood about 110.6 meters. Yeah, because I guessed 200 feet for the rocket. Yeah, but 363 feet tall. Oh, got it. It's how tall the Saturn V rockets stood. 10,000. And a standard 10-pin bowling pin is about 15 inches.

So I was off by 3. 3 inches. I was guessing a foot in half. And it walks you through the bath. Lee, that is a great website. Hope you guys enjoy that one. Yeah, let's hear from the kids. That plays into your old football field.

business. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Fuck. Oh, my God. Getting my spectacles on. I've been talking for so much today.

Our first email is coming in from our son, Nick. Hey, Nick. Hello again, you beautiful, sick and twisted fox. That's fair. I'm listening to your newest episode, People Meet, Red Light, T&T, Olive Garden. And I'm listening because I need a distraction and you always make me laugh. The reason I need the laugh and distraction is because about a year ago, I found that my older brother just died.

Oh. I'm guessing the family's not tight. Yikes. Yeah, it's a lot. Oh, an hour ago. Okay. I said year. Yes, you did.

And I took you at your word, which I shouldn't have done. That's my mistake. Okay. So it's a lot of heavy news. This is meat. Brother died hour ago. Got it. Back to you? Yeah, I'm just taking that one in because I... What?

Because you said, I'm assuming their family is not tight. So I was just picturing, oh, this guy just found out he had like a long lost brother or something like that. But no. But you just misread. Yeah. So I'm just absorbing that one. I don't know yet with the cause. of death is at the time, but I'm sure

that I'll know soon. Anyways, what do you rather, was discussing was discussing eating meat from a stranger or family member that has passed. Perfect fucking time, nerds. Just so you know, I still laugh my ass off during

the segment, stay sexy dwebs, your dadless and now brotherless son, Nick. Welcome to the party, Nick. Jesus Christ. Sometimes you lose your dad, sometimes you lose your dad and your sister. That's what my dad used to say. used to say. Oh, I'm sorry, Nick.

But, you know, that's the power. That's the power of comedy. You just get to keep rolling on. So, glad that you're here. Glad that we can even make you laugh when shit is going sideways. Love you. Our second email is a weird sex story from Liam. So my weird sex story has a little explaining.

Oh, you have some explaining to do. I will try not to drag on because. I'm not a great writer. I had broken up with my girl, well, girlfriend is two words. So I know right then that you're not going to be a great writer. My girlfriend of about three years and was swiping Tinder. Being recently heartbroken, I was willing to fuck just about anything. So I was swiping right on everyone.

I'm saying tens, twos, anything. Hell yeah. The bar was not. High. No, it was like, do you, will you allow? Do you have a pus? Do you have hole? I have pig. With that, I ended up landing what I would call a solid five in club lighting. Yeah! So, too. We had what I thought would be a one-night stand that turned into the worst, most manipulative and destructive three months of my life so far. Nice. Anyway, she ended up cheating on me for a guy. She had met five years. years prior and had, quote, really connected, end quote, with after seeing him again. So she broke up

with me and got with him and me still being heartbroken. I was willing to still hang out in the same friend group as them. And turns out she didn't really like her new boyfriend as much as she thought. She was doing everything in her power to try and fuck me just one more time. One more time. Great song. I'm talking like trying to sneak out of the house. her new boyfriend was kind of crazy, so he locked the doors and windows to keep her in. This is healthy. God. Oh, the places Tinder will take you.

I'm not sure how, but she convinced me that they were now in an open relationship, and she could fuck whoever she wants. She told me that, and I said, yeah, sure, as long as he's all right with it, I picked her up, and we drove to my place. She took with her a box of goon wine and her phone We got to mine and immediately start drinking because God, I needed a bit of liquid courage to find her attractive It happens After five or six drinks It's hard to measure a bottle of wine and drinks It's either sips or cups

Glasses Five or six drinks She takes her clothes off and I couldn't quite get Mr. Johnny to stand up just yet, so I decided to eat her out first. Anyways, she lays down and I attempt to go to work. Get my voice ready.

Attempted to go to work. It tasted like fucking shit! And not in the good way! What's the good way? That line. What's the good way of shit tasting? I tried to lick her clit, but it just wasn't happening.

I wish I was a fly on the wall. But like if you tried to lick her quit, he's like, it's not happening. You're like, I don't know. I just got out of it. Have you had five or six drinks? One. It's unlickable. Yeah, it's unlickable.

The snowsberries taste like snowsberries. Wasn't happening in the taste instantly made me go soft. I fingered her a bit until she said, are you going to put it in? So I said, sure. That's right. Who says romance is dead? Just, well, you've got to finish the line, though. Sure.

I'll try. As I proceeded to mash my limp cock into her pussy, hoping it would get, or I would get hard enough to go in during the process, I have a sudden burst of nausea, and I need to evacuate my stomach. I proceed to vomit in my mouth and hand, and a little on her, and I ran naked with my still limp dick to the bathroom, and release the five or six drinks worth of goon both in the toilet on the wall and the floor.

Love. I cleaned myself up with some toilet paper and stumbled back into the room and asked if she wanted to try again. Remember, this is the person that he was like, I had heartbroken over this. No, no, no. This is the new one that he found on Tinder that left him.

Oh. And then she had a new boyfriend she reconnected with. Oh, no, I got that, but I was trying to remember back and I thought maybe... At least from my understanding of it. Because they were together for three months or something. Yeah, this is a three-month one. So she's has a new boyfriend. She said, nah, we went to bed.

Nah! What a funny response. Not a funny response. A 100% appropriate response to a naked limp dick dude. Covered in wine vomit. We're using toilet paper? Fuck. She said, nah.

We went to bed. I took her home the next day. I ate some mushrooms that next day. Realized she ate shit to me anymore during that trip and immediately blocked her on everything. Good for you. And I'm happier without that hoe. Now she ain't your hoe no mo. That is, um, Michael Scott.

Ooh. Liam. That's a wild tale. That happens. probably well clearly it does it happened i want to know what he's doing now uh fucking toilet paper to his face having some gune having some gune drinks uh Liam we love you that's one of those you see goon and you're like that will instantly take you back to that night mm-hmm you'll never it'll always be that yeah uh we love the the sex stories that everything just goes wrong

Keep sending those in. To hey guys at candy, You Don't Podcast.com. And along with that, you can send in anything you find on the internet, including your petty beefs or your fucking confessions. Just put it in there.

We are only seven away from the hawkathon. Next goal. Oh, we should have read that story. I should read you guys the sex stories while you eat the fish. Oh, I like that idea. Oof.

But they're almost going to have to eat the fermented herring. head on over to can you don't podcast.com. It sounds like that guy was eating out fermented herring. Oh my God. No, the sound of it. You cannot say that. But once you start eating this,

just throaming, I will bring that thought to your head and you will never finish. Rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast. And then thanks to Uncle Zach. Yeah. Producing today's show. Happy to do it.

What's the next step? Heading over there at Scat. What's going on at Scatcast? Skatcast. We still have Operation Splatter Skat if you want to join us. But we got Camp Angus coming. up. So there's a bunch of crazy shit. Let's go to the website and join us.

Okay. Yeah, scatcast.com. That's Scat with a K. And a shout out to the babysitters who are moderating the Can You Don't Playground on the Facebooks. I have a joke. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? So picture this.

I'm still having trouble with picturing the other thing. A family enters a hotel for their holiday. So you know this joke is from the UK. The father goes up to the receptionist and says, Hey, I hope the porn here is disabled. To which the receptionist says,

it's just regular porn. You're sick, fuck? I've heard that one before. That's a great joke. Oh, yeah. Top-notch. Top-notch jokes. Top-notch-jokes.

Top-notch super wake. All right, off to the bonus content that you get. If you subscribe to us on Patreon. If not, we'll see you guys next week. but we'll keep going. Love you. Yay!