Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Iceberg. Wheelchair. Gerald. Shake Weight.

Episode Date: May 17, 2023

If your dying partner requested to have sex with an ex one last time before they passed away, how would you handle that situation? Ask to watch? Cry? Both?! Let's talk about that, trying to explain weird objects in different languages, an HOA making a disabled couple tear down their wheelchair ramp, meeting your great great great great grandchildren, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/McR-rC6YK3oSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Iceberg. Wheelchair. Gerald. Shake weight. It's time for episode 48! I don't know, game show something? Yeah. Something or other? It's time for episode 48! that this that and the other thing that was a good one for a bit i never i just never had it those are three that i i never i never get to say like i said uh the uh like the even more cliche to make a long story short and then like this that and the other thing and then they skip forward i was always a little jealous of those ones you can put that in there i forgot to write it down i the other day i we were i was talking, and they said something, and I was able to, like, it was in context. And I was so happy that I got to do it. I told the person, I was like, I'm so glad I got to say, like, I never get to say that in context. I hear what you're saying, but I am proud of myself right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, yeah, whatever you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You have, like, a little little rolodex of sayings well it's like it's something i've joked about plenty of times like whatever but it's never i've never been able to just seamlessly like respond to someone with that man i'm proud of you god i wish i should have wrote it down uh what is this episode 48 i think so that feels pretty fun. Almost a half a century. We've almost made it half a century. Damn. Feels like it.

Am I right? Yeah. Feels like it's been a couple years already. In dog years. Yeah. For sure. That's my dog, Riley, up there losing his mind barking at a door. He was barking at a wall. Oh, man. That makes me sad. Tells you something about your house. It's haunted.

Or it's just a Wall that looks like a dog I don't know He knows He's senile Thanks to everybody Who supports us on Patreon We love you guys

Yeah And If you want to do that There's a link in the episode description Of course Additional content On the back end Of every single show

If you do Support us on Patreon So thank you You get a look at our back end Yes You Every single episode's over And we just spread it Just gape But every single show, if you do, support us on Patreon. So thank you. You get a look at our back end? Yes. Every single episode's over and we just spread it. Just gape. Gape some brown business.

You like it? You like what you see there? You like a starfish? You like a dirty donut? Sorry. Send all the stuff you want to see onto the show. Or does that make sense? See you on...

Close. Something you want to see on the show. That's what it sense? See on. Close. Something you want to see on the show. That's what it is. You know what I thought about the other day? What? Is when people say something's on fire. Yeah. This.

No. Girl, this. Things aren't on fire. Fire is on things. On the thing. I know. It's confusing. Another English situation.

It's just a weird thing I thought about. I don't know. Sorry. It's okay. Content. Whatever. Send it in. Hey, guys. At canyounowpodcast.com. other english just a weird thing i thought about i don't know sorry it's okay uh content whatever send it in hey guys at can you know podcast.com and we are uh i mean live live here from the basement of the house hey me hey me it's me again but we have some new fucking merch like a mario ender oh speaking of mario yeah we'll get back the merch

were you gonna talk about this no but i i knew i know exactly what you're about to say i didn't know mario's last name is mario that's so dumb that's such it seems like such a cop-out right just these programmers and story writers whatever it is they make this game that's going to affect the planet for eternity yep and then someone's like well what's his last name mario oh shit and they're all like oh mario mario yeah and then we're gonna game and then luigi his last name gets to be the last the first name of his brother that's so dumb that's some lazy parents that's really lazy how come there hasn't been a spinoff on mario and luigi's parents has there has there ever probably dead well that's a disney thing that's a batman thing

disney everybody all they're all dead they just kill them so they don't have to write any additional story stuff they're like nah how do we get to the kid what about the parents like they're dead and they will always be dead yeah they're always dead well you can't write a story about their grandkids because the main character in the previous movie is alive, so they're not dead. They're dead. No, but they will die. Yes. Okay.

They're all going to die in some tragic thing just to build up some sadness, make you try to cry in public in the movie theater. But we do have some new merch. We've got flagged for sheriff. Got a flag for sheriff tee. Some lava lamp t-shirts, one of which just straight out confusing as fuck where if you show up to a party it says right before I got here

I drank a lava lamp in plain text right down the front great I want to hear your confusion stories when you walk in like what the fuck

is this guy doing and you got some of the classics in there but they're all available right now at canyoudontpodcast.com just click on the store tab

and then that goes a long way the store tab represent that shit that goes a long way. The store tab. Represent that shit. Represent the show. I want to see, I want to be there when someone wears one of those shirts. And then people are like, who the fuck invited this guy? Who is this?

Did you bring enough for everyone? Did you bring enough lava lamp? He brought like a keg of lava lamp. It's just potluck. Like this guy got fucking. Yeah, it's one thing to go to like a a rave but you go to like a family family neighborhood potluck you got like chicken salad someone made some deviled eggs drink a lava lamp you just have a pot of lava lamp what's this smells like cancer it is you have you have any idea how hard it is

to find 10 000 lava lamps these days there's always that neighbor or that or that aunt that brings the dessert that nobody likes we all know what that is yeah one two three fruit yeah casserole Fruit casserole Is that even a thing Fruit casserole Is it I don't know Fruit salad There it is Yeah

Fruit casserole What's this It's just like It's covered in tater tots And cheese I have to know Strawberries And beaches

Is casserole just a Is it a fancy word For a bunch of stuff I don't know I don't want to get political But what the fuck's a casserole Fruit Casserole it could be i mean there's no reason it won't be fruit casserole yeah there's berry breakfast bake fruit breakfast casserole oh man so fuck you joe hope i don't ever end up in a one-night stand with someone and i wake up to fucking fruit casserole

it's like i've had a great night but this morning has been atrocious just give me some milk there's a french toast casserole yeah that's fine french toast on the front end just fruit get the fuck out of my kitchen uh okay a big thank you real quick to our kids penny and cat and they are both babysitters for the penny cat for the facebook community page penny sent in a bag of anderson's crazy candy which are freeze dried berry bites which are skittles that were just fucking freeze dried i gave you some right before we came in here skittle is one of my favorite candies it is my favorite so god damn penny those things are so

good so what's amazing about that and thank you penny because i love skittles and i can't eat just a couple i have to put a whole handful and by the time i swallow it or you know get done chewing and swallow my jaw is locked up because of how hard it is to chew now with those crunch crunch crunch crunch good to go made it way easier although i did eat those to try to get my my jaw so muscular so I don't have that. I'm trying to avoid jowls. Or you just try to get rid of your double chin by eating Skittles? Yeah.

Sounds counterintuitive. It's funny, but I've had that exact thought. Am I losing weight? Am I tightening up my jaw by chewing these? But they're full of sugar and everything, too. So it is. Your workout trainer, he's like, have you been doing what I've told you? Yeah, I've had 15 bag of Skittles.

Okay, I can tell. I can tell you really tightened that jawline up. Now your midsection. Yeah, your midsection is just flabby, but your jawline. We're going to have to work on that. And then Kat sent us this really cute, sad banana statue that she came across in her journeys and then sent it in. It is high quality it is funny it is cute so thank you guys so much and if you have something you want to send in

to your daddies the p.o box address is actually listed in the episode description so it's right there for you i have a story to tell you we have one little quick update email to read and then we're gonna get into our show today but this one happened last week i was sitting at the it kind of ties back into my story about me lying about ezra uh trying to get the sap out of my car remember and i was like oh my son what an idiot who would ever use a sponge to get the sap off the hood 400 later i'm clear no one knows no but as he and i we were sitting at the dinner table and uh dinner had just wrapped up we had some soup and i was getting my computer shit out to work on can you don't and um i looked over and there was like a where he was sitting was like

a little bowl ring so some soup came over the edge and it made a little water ring so i was like hey bud i was like clean that up real quick goes yeah no problem great so i'm going back i'm getting my hard drive out this kind of shit and the next thing i hear is like this scraping noise right and i guess like i don't know i don't know how long it went like a fair amount of time and then i look up and this motherfucker like a lottery ticket is using a quarter to get the bull ring off of my table and it's not like the table's made of monogamy by a monk like out of ancient tools so it's like monogamy yeah the one we have to be faithful yeah yeah so my table's made of that and he's using a quarter to try and get the fucking ring out.

And I couldn't even get mad. I just went, whoa. I was like, no. And it kind of slows down. And I just start laughing. And then the way Ez is, is once he knows he did something wrong, he gets mad at you. He goes, oh, real funny, dad. I'm like, what are you doing?

You're the one that did it. I'm like, look at you. And I took a picture. I was going to show you. phone's over there but i mean it is it's fucked so the table is just fucked forever i wish i had a ring like a bull ring there instead of a lottery ticket lunatic scraping the stain off of my fucking table if you keep that table you know he's going to be long gone you know off living in his life and you keep that table you know he's gonna be long gone you know off living in his life and you're gonna remember you're gonna look down there and remember see that little lottery ticket scratch just be thankful they don't live there anymore or whatever you

were gonna say yeah that's probably something like that yeah like thank god i'm an empty nester because this is fucking bullshit the second he's gone i'm buying a new goddamn table all right so following up on something we talked about a few weeks ago we had the whole dentist and the laquinta talk remember that like the black market dude oh yeah yeah yeah out of room 405 pulling molars yes and our son butters i hope that's real that's his name he says hey dick knows it's butters on your recent episode you talked about getting backroom medical procedures done, and I consider myself a connoisseur.

Okay. Living for the first 26 years of my life working for cash, no insurance, things happen, and I've got guys quotes for all my medical needs, including having wisdom teeth pulled in a hotel room by my tooth guy. A wisdom teeth guy? Yeah. I got a guy. I got a guy. A tooth guy.

Looks like a, you know, you're watching the big game. Yeah. Guy's like, God, my tooth is killing me. He goes, I got a guy. I got a guy. Take care of that. 50 bucks a tooth, 200 bucks. Head down to the Al's Motel.

Right. I'll let him know you're coming. You show him the knock. You're like, when you get there, don't, don't fuck this up. It is. It's like. He's like, oh like oh wait what and if you don't do it right he's gonna shoot your fucking head right so it's 50 bucks a tooth 200 total stitches by my cut guy 25 and a beer i love that dude that's so good listen i don't want you to be sober when you

tie this up you know what's funny about that is when you're like come help me move or whatever i mean they'll they'll be like pizza and beer everyone always says that like dude just give me just give me 30 bucks just give me yeah give me even 10 bucks yeah yeah i don't want to sit and drink beer and eat pizza with you it's one of the money like listen not for me just give me 10 bucks and you show up with your own pizza and your own beer and And then don't give anybody else any. And then you just watch them move all the shit. Anyway, cut guy, he's a veterinarian, so okay.

On that note, you can get the bovine version of human medicine for much cheaper with no prescription if you know a guy. If you know a guy. My wife and I had our daughter in our living room with just me and a midwife helping, so $3,000. It's cheaper to pay cash than to pay a deductible for things like that. Your hospital hating steps on butters. Butters. I'm all for it.

Yeah. As long as your guy's good enough. As long as, like, he didn't include like, the baby had, like, birth problems. Yeah. And he didn't say, like, his stitches are shit. He can still see them. Wisdom teeth got infected. He didn't say that his wife survived. he didn't say like his stitches are shit he can still see them wisdom teeth got infected he didn't say that his wife survived he didn't say that that's right he also didn't say she died but but he didn't say that everything went well yeah he said it was three three thousand bucks yeah so how much is the funeral how much was the funeral you got a funeral guy hey how much

was that tiny casket all right okay too far should we move on real quick before we move on okay there's a lot of people that wrote in um solutions to uh chafe or like a stuff and uh so i'm gonna check out there's a couple called fresh balls and i'm gonna check out of course and uh but today just as a thing because i got out of the shower i did some uh the arm and hammer kind of puff, you know. The laundry detergent? Yeah. It burned a little bit.

You're splashing up fucking laundry detergent? Your balls. They're all blue. I was going to say, this room smelled better. Yeah. Fresh. Popping over Tide Pods and just like painting. You're like, I don't know.

I put on my underwear and I start plopping on the chair. A so the listener told me yeah making like weird like stamp cards and whatever those ink blots are oh yeah that smell great what's this that's a that's a ball sack you're right paper noises what's this that's another ball sack you're right give those to uh police stations that's right do those what are those called? Mugshot? Ink blot. Ink blot tests. Right. Yeah.

What does this look like? What's this look like? I don't know. It's a butterfly flogging a giraffe. Yeah. No, that's a. That's a pair of balls covered in. And then this, every single one he goes, so close.

This is actually a pair of balls covered in Tide Pod. It's like, here, jokes on you. They're all balls with Tide Pod to go to prison you're a psychopath you're a psychopath he stands up to shake his hand it's the guy who's giving you the inkblot test his balls are out and they're covered they're blue he goes you're a fucking lunatic you're going away for life the guy's standing with no pants and his balls out Calling somebody else Okay let's get on to our All the guys Looking through the glass

Watching this happen Can't believe they didn't know We all know that's fucking Ball sack covered in Tide Pods Ball sack McGee Alright Hey shut up It's not the show already

Alright Joe Got an interesting Thought for you I love interesting thoughts Yeah I can tell Go ahead Whoa Sorry

Was that a moan Or a sigh Both Okay I'll let you know A my Here's a my Sown

Would you rather Go back and meet Your ancestors Okay Or Go rather go back and meet your ancestors? Okay. Or go to the future and meet your great, great, great, whatever, how far down the line children? How many greats? Is great like an adjective? Like they're going to be wonderful?

Great, great. No, not in this case. I think, how about this? I can't make fun of you because I do that all the time. The same amount of generations you go back is how many you go forward. So if you want to go way back back, you're going five grades into the future? Yeah, if you want to go back to like 1700s or something, you're going ahead a couple hundred years too. My first instinct on this one is thinking

about who we are right now and looking at our our children our children not like a shared thing but children that we have is their social skills are already getting pretty bad right where the entertainment is all through this pane of glass that you have in your pocket. So if I go too many greats forward, I don't even know if they're going to be able to talk. Like would I even be able to relate to them because I don't have a brain implant? I show up and I'm like, oh my God, so exciting. You're not going to believe this. I am Joe and I am from like the, from 20, like the 2000s, early 2000s.s and they're whatever they're into their 3000s let's go that far great forward and they don't even know they're like just drooling well they're

all holograms and you're a real person that'd be a mind they reach out and they can touch you give me a hug and you just can't even hug them so that's a little that's a risk that's a risk and i don't want to go too many greats or not um not enough greats into the future because it's not i mean how different is going to be that waste my time well you could go like you could go and meet your kids as kids kids kids kids right or even your your future grandkids what if they suck yeah oh geez you're like i'm just gonna check out now so i don't have to deal with it yeah you go in you go five greats into the future and they're in jail for killing 4 000 people in like a terrorist attack and you're just like cool anyway bye well your past could also have that i mean back to future two is about that

i was gonna say the theme of the future talks we've had over the past couple weeks yeah and that exact thing because marty mcfly fucked his mom no oh he should almost he should have but he's got it he's got to get his kid from he you can't uh he's got to tell him not to work with griff yeah not to do the things yeah i so would you do that what's your i mean what's your grab on this do you like immediately think future or going back and seeing where you came from opposed to seeing what you created i guess if that makes any sort of sense yeah what are what are the like the fucking repercussions of your actions that's the future like you you fucked a hole and you came inside the hole is it was it better for humanity or was it worse you go backwards you know you're

already here you know you are who you are and then then you're just like, well, how did I get here? Who are these wild motherfuckers? And what crazy shit did they do to have me live my life during the time that my life's went? Part of me, the tech person in me thinks going back in time and then just being bored. Well, yeah. Watching them just work in a factory. But it doesn't necessarily say that you get to experience life in that moment you get to meet them yeah but they'd probably be boring oh fucking of course they would be yeah be boring as fuck

like why but you get to like you know whatever little stories have a chance to meet people that you would you never met that eventually made you that's pretty wild it is oh god i don't know i'm so curious what the future holds so i'm always yeah i'm always thinking about that too but it but it is weird to think like because the past is over yeah the past is over in the future we have no idea so it's kind of more intriguing to go forward than back yeah like what going back to what you said, what if you go forward and then your kids are just, those kids are just a disappointment. And you're like, when did this get screwed up? Because I'm awesome, obviously. Yeah, well.

Raising awesome kids. We know that. Did they raise loser kids? Yeah. Did they ruin the whole thing? Yeah. Or when did everything get fucked up? They're in a lineup and you're talking to each one and you like you fucked it you're like oh my god you gert it's like it's a reverse uh the evolutionary chart

and you're you're looking through there like okay which one of you motherfuckers started this chain reaction of shit kids god because there's so many things so many factors that play into that wow man it seems like there'll be like a the the line the 50 50 probably kind of percentage of being proud and then just being so disappointed going forward because going back the end result is you are here and you did it so you you have a lot of, a little more of a, like a less responsibility. It feels like tied to going back, but still getting some pretty fun information and a really neat experience. What if you went backwards and your relatives were pieces of shit though?

Yeah. I mean, it's not your fault, but right. That's what I'm saying. Responsibility. You get to pass the buck a little bit because you go forward. You definitely feel that

you're like fuck this is i'm a part of these these dudes i'm in the chain part of this um i'm one of the links in the chain here and talking to people what they guess yeah they suck to talk to you go backwards and you kind of get it you're like yeah you guys are you guys lived in a different time we were all fucking stupid but you go in the future and some dude's like i don't know like crazy you're here fucking whatever you're like oh my god just there's always a calling the callings in the dna that's true every there's no you're no one's immune to a calling popping in there and be like i don't know fucking pretty cool you want to see my room or whatever it's like i don't yeah i guess fuck you want like talk or whatever talk about stuff well he's like what was it like back then when

you guys like fucking like had to order food or whatever god damn it he's like oh dude fucking cancer sucked huh well see that's that's yeah that's what's interesting like let's say we go back in in the past and we learn about, how did you guys live or how did you guys do things? We go in the future and the kids are asking us, what was it like back in the old days when things were lame? And you're like, dude, we lived in a really cool time. When you actually got to choose your own life

and you weren't all put in a little box somewhere and had a vr headset on like that's what's crazy to think about like this time will be the old days oh absolutely like 30 years ago was the old days i know because how fast things are moving there's a particular do you have any of these like let's say maybe one memory when you were growing up this is a little bit off off track here but a memory growing up for me i was in high school but where you you were able to step away from yourself and think this is that moment like this is that like you just feel it everyone's having this you like this is what people would call like the golden days where you just you were with all your favorite people

the settings were right you're doing like whatever you're doing and you're like this is it because i have one of those where i i mean i don't think it was the best ever but it was a moment where i and some of the people like i lost track with a ton of them but i knew in that moment this was really fucking a special thing and i'll remember that forever and just kind of that that that one spot in my life where i was like this is carefree this is before i have to fucking care and i was able to kind of step back from it and really take it in i don't think i really i don't remember having thoughts like that i was very i guess i've always been a nostalgic person you're on drugs dude it's so in my back hurts so i'm trying to already comfortable fuck well what's 20 no it's

the spot it always hurts um that's why i'm always like putting my arm on the wall you're like don't touch the wall go touch the fucking wall um but like because like 1997 stands out to me that was when i was getting into my own music like evolving into my own music the mariners were like like the golden days of the mares that you know uh um wrestling watching wrestling like all those things that i loved were at their it was like a peak it was a very much at its peak and i can look back and now and go like god damn what a fun time that was but back then i was just kind of living in it and i don't think i ever really stepped back and been like man this is a great time because there was stresses like you're you're young you're 14 things are awkward

i wasn't thinking of it being amazing. Or what you thought stress was. Yeah. Right. Well, having acne and. Yeah, right. That was the biggest thing.

Yeah. Like, oh my God, my, my face has some bumps on it. You look back at it, you fucking idiot. Like,

this is the best your life is ever going to be. Yeah. Anyway, so it's pretty great now. Well, yeah, I mean, it's fine.

It's, it's, there's always things with life but i just think about that a little moment right there well so i will last thing on this uh i was when i was younger you think like oh when i'm 40 it's gonna suck i'm gonna be so old but i'm 40 now and i feel like content whereas before I always felt like it was, it was happy and I didn't have any cares, but I don't know.

There's something about knowing that things turned out. Okay. Cause you didn't know how they were going to turn out before, but now it's like, you feel like it. So it's, it's weird. It's a weird,

like the older you get, people say like, I've never been happier in my sixties. And you're like, how could that be? Sixties is the new 30. You're like, okay. Okay. Whatever whatever but i sort of see it now because 40 seemed like oh god i hope i'm never 40 you find your groove yeah but now it's like yeah yeah you know what you like what you don't like make the best of your life exactly um i think i would rather

go backwards i think i would rather just know how, because then I have also an understanding of a little bit of the future, but at least like a, I have a better grasp on what I would, I would, I'm more fascinated on how I became who I am, which also translates to my kids and all that kind of stuff. But going forward,

I'm just scared. I wouldn't understand what the fuck was happening it gives you also gives you some perspective on you know like yeah okay we don't have it it's pretty easy the way we get to fly yeah yeah and then in the future they're like fly air conditioning yeah fly we're like check, teleport. Push a button and take off. Yeah. I love how we talk about that, and that's never going to happen. Yeah. But I just, I don't know how physically how it happened. But because like in the Jetsons, they had flying cars, and that was, you know, 50 years, 60 years ago.

Well, I think we 100% could have flying cars. I think it's just a trust issue. Oh, yeah. You just give everybody a missile missile like a manned missile like that's the issue it's not that we can't do it it's like it's probably not it's probably a bad idea i think we all kind of realize that at least we haven't stopped that's one thing we keep the destruction on a 2d level we've got better yeah yeah let's not just expand it we'll just shoot each other now yeah exactly like the good old like the good old days

that'll never you think that'll change in the future maybe we're still shooting each other maybe unless force fields and shit that doesn't work anymore on force field walk around like trying to make out it's like a little bubble yeah you know power down your your force field and love you babe turn your force field back up i'm heading the kids are heading to school did you get you guys pack your lunch in your force field just pack your force fields yes yes okay sorry i know it's annoying i love you love you too and then are you a virgin yeah my fucking force field's broken i'm never having sex all right let's move on are you going back in the back or back in the past or to the future

i'll go i'll go to the future okay i'll go to the past we'll talk we'll reconvene next week no i'll go to the past okay going to the past okay fine i get it i get it because it is a little nervous it's scary how things turned out they don't even speak english anymore you're like oh no okay let's go on to what are you thinking about okay i'm excited about this one hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about so a few weeks ago i was in san francisco brian you were you know that again in the tenderloin district right which

fucking beautiful i want to shake the hand of the man who named that one the tenderloin district and they have a tender butthole no well that might have been a like the back end of a like a massage shop ah Ah, yeah. But I didn't know. I didn't get in. I was on the waiting list. But obviously different than here, a lot of big cities have a lot of different cultures, right? So a lot of different languages being spoken.

And when I was there, you know, watching that firsthand when they don't speak the same language, but they're still trying to interact and buy something or order something and they obviously a lot of hand gestures all hand gestures because they don't they're not speaking the same one they say whatever they're like want to say in their own language it's like in a different weirder tone you know it's like and you know take little phrases they maybe picked up to maybe get through life talking with other people that don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Well, you learned in high school Spanish class and you hung on to it. And I was actually in a little grocery store, I don't know, Mart, a little corn Mart, a little Mart. And I was watching this go down as I was waiting to buy what I had to buy.

And then I started thinking about how fucking like... What did you have to buy? I was getting just some And then I started thinking about how fucking like you have to buy. I was getting just some snacks. I thought you were trying to purposely avoid what you were buying. No, I was just not. It was not important. It was like Chex Mix. It was just something that you wouldn't be proud of me like for buying.

It was like, oh shit, you were buying like a condom. That's what I was thinking. Condoms. Get out of here. Are you kidding me? Are they going to have condoms in the future? No. Force field?

It's like a force field for your penis. You put a little ring on it and go... And the whole time it's like... Kind of distracting. It glows.

You can see... Changes colors. I'm not paying extra for a fucking force field condom changing color. It's like a lightsaber but a little little

button push you can you can you can you fuck me with the red one on yeah yeah one second like reach into your nightstand do you want me to force choke you you have the flat like the strobe one on it's like like doing the different effects little spiral up little led light show that's how i come that's how i come but thinking about not normal things that you're trying to explain the language you don't understand and the more i sat there and thought about it i thought about how funny it would be trying to explain a fucking shake weight in any language that you didn't understand like because that's all gesture it's all of it in none of it's good there's no way to mime out a shake weight that isn't you jerking off a dick right like you don't you can't multiple yeah and

you're like for me it's that phrase like the como se dice is the one that i think about and you're fucking like jerking it up you're like no no no okay no habla espanol but como se dice and you're fucking like jerking it up you're like no no no okay no habla espanol but como se dice and you're fucking two of them yeah you're like how do you how do you say doing a little jake like a little shake weight thing or like in french which one at a restaurant at a restaurant because the only place the last time i ordered a shake weight i was at a five-star restaurant i feel like in france all there are is restaurants right and shake weights like i don't visualize a grocery store no one no one is they don't have houses no you're just restaurant you're in a fucking restaurant yeah in the back there's a gym

where they have shake weights like where's the bathroom and then where's the shake weight? That's all you need to know. Two things. Two things. Where's the Eiffel Tower and shake weight? Kind of similar, if you think about it, as far as sex moves go. Yeah, like where can I find the Eiffel Tower? You know, like you're doing the gesture.

I want to go to Eiffel Tower. Pulling out Urban Dictionary dictionary moves to find like at the leaning tower pisa was a sex move and you're like i don't know how to say those but i do know how to thrust yeah so we're gonna almost say dc is fucking good jerking off but there's so many things that you just how do you explain them in a language you don't know without looking like a fucking perv? And what's great is like people that are away from you, seeing you talking to someone, asking how great that would be. Cause you can't, like, you don't know that you don't know. They don't know that you don't know what you're talking about.

They just see you doing the gesture. They see you jerking it. Yeah. And like some guys up to some guys going like, you're looking up at up at him doing like it's so funny is that soliciting is that guy soliciting uh hand jobs or from across the room you're like oh he's talking about a shake weight yeah so yeah some american is sitting there he's like oh yeah oh he's looking for a shake like that's normal but there's so many uh different things that if you had to try to anything you're licking yeah licking ice cream like a ice cream popsicle you might be able to

get away with an ice cream yeah but a popsicle that's harder like uh one of the round like one of the rocket popsicles right you're like like hey sorry sir do you know you know where to get a i love he's like a popsicle you know he's like oh and then the other guy starts doing like a lick like you mean like no no no no no like oh and they send you back to that massage yeah i think you're talking about deep throat and then earlier i mean tying back around to your your sweaty balls what do you do about that yeah and you're looking for you know your arm and hammer detergent and you're you know i'm you know i'm sorry you know me no hablas man y'all but how do i find the fucking like slapping your dick around like pouring your hand like i don't like the cops would be called so quick like I don't like the cops

would be called so quick. Like I don't I don't know what this guy's doing but he is apparently a terrible mime. Like there's so many I love that

like they were doing it really slow like really animated. No hands. Huh? Huh? Huh? That

Did that real quick side note Since we talked about it, we'll come back There's no good way to do that either That puff stuff In the bathroom today, I got out of the shower I dried off, so I grabbed it And I shake it

And then you give it kind of like a Torch so it comes to the bum and you hit it And there's just like a puff And it's all over the place So you're in the bathroom trying to puff your your nuts and you're just like and it's just you're inhaling it yeah when i your throat won't be chafey it's true that's a bonus anyway my friends in college i i was never uh a powder of any sort on my balls type of guy um but below them my friends that would do it

that's the only time i've lived in like close quarters with people that were nude or had to be nude around you like your buds um like they'd wear a towel and they'd pull it and they just like would pour it into their hand and they just go and like throw it up on their nuts a little bit and then below them on the carpet was a pile of fucking baby powder or Arm & Hammer, whatever, Gold Bond, whatever. Yeah. The Gold Bond one does feel like there's a bunch of fairies that are kissing your nuts. Well, it kind of gets cold. Yeah.

It's like that crazy tingly thing. It's like icy hot. Like the scrubs that purposely make your face cold. Oh, I didn't know that. And tingly. I'm not sure if it works any better, but it feels like it does. Does it ever? Chemicals they dump in it, you're like, ooh, it's a nice cold tingle.

It's like getting inside the pillow. Yeah, exactly. Flip that thing over. Go right back out. Yeah, I guess you just stand over the toilet and do that to curb that. Just do it. You just have to have some sweaty balls man it's not that i don't mind sweaty it's that it hurts it turns into like jock itch and it starts

itching and then it burnt like then you like go for a run i'm guessing you do anything or walk around a park you shave your balls like because i think that excuse me trim wouldn't what doesn't that kind of the whole point of pubes they kind of try to help that not be a problem? Yeah, probably. Yeah. Anyway, this is a personal question that you didn't have to answer,

but thank you for doing it. I just like, I like to be, um, taken care of. Kemped. Yeah. Yeah.

Nothing worse than someone like getting in a moment and you're like, you start feeling bad. Like good luck down there. And then like, as they start sliding down, you just have like slide down a little floss, like one those one of those pickers was like those floss pickers you're like no i love thank you for doing this you're gonna need this thank you for doing this you think she's gonna go down on you but you really just want her hey can you trim down there

can you just take care of something down there i My neck hurts when I do it. My fingers are sore from pulling aside hair. Do you have a comb? Because I don't have. I didn't come with. I didn't know if this was BYO comb. BYOC. But going to an emergency room in a foreign country, and you're trying to explain anything in that region.

What about a yeast infection? Right. Or a tampon. Yeah, you have to always carry around a sourdough bread for anyone to know what the fuck you're talking about like como se dice like i don't know how this happens but here it smells like this and they go yeast infection how do you say yeast infection in spanish yeah it's hard enough to explain a yeast infection in english yeah it is it is. Yeast infection.

En Espanol. En Espanol. Actually, don't tell me what it is. I have this translated out. There's no way you're going to get this. Watch. Yeast infection. Oh.

Oh, wait, hold on. Yeast infection. And then I'll play it. Watch. Okay. It's going to be. Candidiasis. Yes. Candidiasis. Candidiasis. Candidiasis. play it much okay it's gonna be yes here's an english yeast infection in case you're wondering how to yeast infection say that but yeah it's just not one that's in like the rosetta stone

yeah it doesn't sound bad though no I'm sure there's some that do. Tengo candiceas. Yo tengo candiceas. You're just handing him sourdough bread? Oh, my God. That's funny. Yo tengo un candiceas. I have one yeast infection. I'll take one yeast infection, please.

To go. Por favor. In a box? You betcha. Para go. Por favor. In a box? You betcha. Get it? Because it's in a box, you get it. Okay. But I know there's got to be some crazy things.

Tampons. Like trying to... Well, how do I buy tampons? And you're like... You know, you're like... Yeah, and you're... Yeah. Or a condom.

You're like... You just like rolling, kind of. I don't know. You roll it on, and then it goes... And then you're like... You're like... of and then you roll it on and then it goes and then you're like block like and it blocks it with this you're doing leather gloves you have leather gloves on there like whoa whoa whoa take whatever you want right all right here have my take my knife take my gun you're like no no i'm just asking about tampons don't take them don't take the girl yeah just standing in line and thinking about how not having any idea what to say

and trying to explain it the sweat like the nervousness of like okay I gotta ask for this and it's gonna be so embarrassing it's already gonna be embarrassing if you need to ask for something for a yeast infection and then you have to do it in a language you don't understand

in a place you don't want to be yeah it's great it's very funny to me or you have to do it in a language you don't understand. In a place you don't want to be. Yeah, it's great. It's very funny to me. Or you have to go, Habla espanol? Si? And then you're like, And then you're like,

You start shoving shit in your crotch. So you're like, Okay, I have a yeast infection. Can you tell the man about my yeast infection? Like, yeah, sure. And then you just go, Uno, tango, and then, Cundeliasis. Cundel, sure. Let's go. Uno, tengo, and then condoliasis. Condoliasis.

What would they do? She would say, ella tiene un condoliasis. That's what she would say to the farmer. And then they just point you over to the baking section. They think you're making bread. No. No. Pan. No. Pan. Pan. No. No. they think you're making bread no no fun no fun no no no no no no no

okay let's move on to some dick okay there's some fun dick in here is it dumb is it interesting is it cool then it's dick have you ever lived in a place that had an hoa oh thankfully no no hoa for you nope no thank you oh almost bought a house at one point in time that was part of an hoa i'm glad i didn't because i'm sure i mean obviously they have to vary there's got to be normal hoas out there right there has to be where it's not a complete fucking shit show of people just trying to fuck your life over there has to be but regardless this is not one of them. Okay. So the headline says violated, bullied HOA makes disabled Mount Juliet couple remove wheelchair ramp. Oh, my God.

You fucking. Oh, my God. And I did find another article that has some other examples of how terrible HOAs can be. And I'll open that here in just a bit. But the article goes a disabled couple told news two they feel trapped in their home after they say their homeowners association made them take down their wheelchair ramp it's a situation as residents in mount juliet cedar creek commons neighborhood outraged it's just hard to move nancy hurst explain saying

she suffers from rheumatoid arthritis. Her motorized wheelchair and her husband, Lyle, are keys to their livelihood. So it goes on to say, what basically happened is, they had a wheelchair ramp, right? And it was fine, but it was in disrepair. It was falling apart. So they got a new one put in, and neighbors helped them put it in, and then it extended barely into the sidewalk okay so it went like just a little ways into a spot where you're not allowed to have a fucking wheelchair ramp and the hoa made them rip the fucking wheelchair ramp out of their home

because it went into the sidewalk. What is wrong with humanity? What the fuck is wrong? It's like, oh, well, that's the rules. Go fuck yourself. Yes, first of all, that sucks. But I wonder if it's like, because it's a public access sidewalk, if it was less, I'm just curious if it was less. Like the joggers had a chance of tripping on the five inches into the sidewalk well because if because if that does happen you can sue the people or whatever that live at the house like if you don't plow your

curve curve yes yeah if everyone doesn't hear you plowing your curb you're if you're if you're oh just humping your sidewalk fucking love this god it's the sexiest storm train i've ever fucked but when you come it goes in the right spot am i right oh yeah you cut out the middleman the toilet and the water sewage line and all that right on splinter's head when the middle man is the fucking sewage line you got some weird stuff you're humping i'm so great i'm saving water i masturbate and i you know it's like i don't even have to use the sewage line it's so great they're like okay anyway it's your turn flip the card some sort of hoa poker night what a blast that probably be

oh yeah man oh god you're about betty and her fucking her husband's out there fucking the steward the super drain is he he's still doing that guy's been doing that since i moved in race he's been yeah yeah he's dude he's been doing that for 29 years. That's crazy. I'll call. I'll call. Yeah. Oh, God damn, dude. But that just drives me crazy. And I knew, I looked at that one. I was like, dude, there has to be some nightmare HOA stories that are out there. And there are some.

Yeah. Yeah. There's some really good ones. You want to get into them? No. Do you want me to get into them? I'm curious. If you can't say that that and not tell me one.

Of course I was going to. I pulled these off of Reddit, a couple different Reddit pages. One here says, my current HOA threatened to kick me out unless I got rid of three of my cats. Since I don't own a single cat, I sent them an official two-page notarized letter denying the request as the number of cats I own must be expressed as a non-negative number. Just making fun of like the whole nonsense that is an hoa and then there was another story that talked about how they basically the hoa kept on changing everything because the the owners or the the members the board members of the hoa kept on doing things. So they kept on changing what the rules actually

were so that they could like do what they want to do. And this is one. It says, when I was younger, my dad started a limo service. Before the company got big enough for its own office space and multiple limos, he'd bring his one limo to our home, detach condos with an HOA to clean and stock and sometimes leave it overnight when it was needed for a job. It lived in a storage unit for the rest of the time. The presence of the limousine in the neighborhood was apparently distracting to the people on the board. I just having a hard time watering my plants.

This limo fucking whipping its dick out. It's like, just come on. So they passed a rule that you couldn't have a vehicle longer than x feet marked in front of your house overnight so specific this doesn't mean any anybody's specific we're not targeting anybody here then the main old guy of the hoa board got a huge rv there you leave in front of his house for days at a time so they got rid of that they got rid of the vehicle size rule and replace it with a rule forbidding vehicles that advertise the business oh the fucking loophole around the limo had a decal on the driver's side

door with the name my dad's limo company and a phone number then someone else on the board started a landscaping company and had a pickup truck with the name of the landscaping company on the side so they changed the rule to not only allow such vehicles to be in your driveway not parked on the street since the the pickup could fit in the owner's driveway but the limo couldn't fit in ours basically rather than just a make a no limos rule they kept making a rule that disallowed limos and then kept changing it when it actually applied to uh something other than the limo that's insane i know yeah dude that would be so frustrating it just keeps tweaking and tweaking tweaking

but it's just it would be so simple if they just said no limos i know but even then like fuck you yeah like fuck you but i mean there's ones about getting a trampoline there's ones about trying to like in agreement the neighbor like wanted to sell them some of their property because they had like tons of acres and then they wouldn't allow them to buy an acre of their property because uh the other people didn't have the same opportunity is what it was so they didn't live next door to a neighbor that had a bunch of acres so they couldn't buy more god so when he tried to buy more land from his neighbor who said it was completely okay hoa was like nah how do they how does an hoa do that it's cuz you dig us we're like no you cannot buy property from your neighbor i gotta spite

because they were gonna get a bit a better property than they would it's just that's like it's one thing to have like an eyesore let's say but to tell someone that they can't purchase land on a don't know. Completely. That seems extreme. Both parties agreeing and saying, yeah, no. They're on the front lawn. Handshake.

I want that land. Here, you can have it. HOA is like, no, you can't do that. You can't have it because it makes mine less valuable. That's so stupid. It's kind of, I think, what the reasoning for the HOA was. Was that you were having a more valuable property. But wouldn't the guy that had the extra land

already have a valuable property? He did, right. But they must have had something against the people next to them. Oh my God. Just made it so you couldn't buy that property anymore. I thought that was, I mean, come on. It just goes back to this basic rule of being a human, where the wheelchair ramp goes inches, and you're like, no. You make them tear it down.

That's why I was wondering, like, if it's a risk for whatever, if they took that route. Still! still but i'm just saying like if but if it was just because they didn't it was an eyesore but they're using this uh the well-being of others as the front for it i mean there's also it's just a shitty there's also the chance that these these wheelchair this wheelchair couple were fucking assholes they're racing wheelchairs up and down the sidewalk yeah they're out all night fucking lighting off fireworks and jumping jumping fireworks down their wheelchair ramp or people just hated them i'm not saying that's fine but i mean it doesn't say that in the article maybe they just don't want the idea of like i don't know they see at least they at least they fucking

updated their other one that was an eyesore yeah but like i just wonder if they like oh we don't want the appearance of like old people or or disabled people in our neighborhood it'll bring down the value of our neighborhood we don't want no no fucking disabled people around here this whole this whole neighborhood's going to shit yeah because of these fucking cotton tops this woman has fucking arthritis right anyway that's all i had for my dick what you got for your dick buddy will you whip it out for me will you flop it right on i don't want it on my face not today please put it somewhere else come on open up this song's going for you man

i'm gonna figure all right penis shaped iceberg seen floating past town named Dildo. And the jokes are so bad, they're actually good. I feel like we talked about Dildo, Ireland, or like... Maybe. I feel like we had this conversation about a town named Dildo before. And now it's coming back up again? Yeah. It's going straight up.

Yeah, it is. With or without you. There's this iceberg. Yeah. It's going straight up. Yeah, it is. With or without you. There's this iceberg. Yeah. That's shaped exactly. That is. It's got balls and everything. That looks like it was commissioned.

It does. Yeah. It looks like an ice sculpture of a dick. By not Mother Nature. Like by an person was like, yeah, I'll do some dick eye stuff. Artificially done. Okay. What's going on with this dick?

A giant penis shaped iceberg has gone viral after being photographed floating past the town of dildo in canada huge iceberg was spotted by canadian photographer ken petty near the town of dildo in newfoundland and labrador with local residents dubbing it the dickieberg i haven't tried very hard yeah i just found out about this information but i feel like dickieberg yeah there had to have been a funnier name yeah like that why do you settle on that well you're like yeah i just call it dickieberg it sounds like a four-year-old named it or just take off the dick and it's called dickberg like if you're gonna go that route right if you're going for the the low-hanging fruit

yeah why are you putting a Dickieberg? Dick and Ballberg. Maybe there's someone, like, named Dickieberg in the town. So that was funny. Hey, Dickieburgers. Hey, old Dickieberg. Hey. Hey, old Dickleyberg.

Can I get a double? With cheese? Fucking Dickieberg. I don't know. Fucking. Fucking. Looking at it from land, it wasn't quite clear. But once I got the drone out there, it was unreal how much it looked like.

Well, you know. People don't believe it's real. They think it's photoshopped. I can tell you. It's real. Yeah, you can. Petty's photos attracted several witty comments, including, Usually it's smaller than this when it's cold.

Hey! It's average size another commenter said a facebook user quipped it's an iceberg in your uh is that an iceberg in your pocket or are you just happy to see me these jokes go all around the world thousands of penis fish wash up on point rise beach yes really if you want to get scientific about it these thick pink worms are called eureka's capo okay so we got a bunch of dick dick things and so much dick iceberg yeah dick eisenberg oh see now you're you're onto something eisenberg like a jewish name i get it that's what i yeah dick eisenberg oh are you

kidding me i know it's just they needed sir captain dick eisenberg they needed three more seconds for anything than dickieberg or someone with better personality yeah maybe the news is like well we they're just like we don't want to get in trouble we're gonna go with dickieberg dick eisenberg i think it sounds just like a an old guy an old jewish guy old guy with a fucking big old man dick eisenberg right it absolutely does the ocean is full of mysteries california local david ford commented god i love news articles i know yeah and they and it still hasn't found the bottom anyway i just of course that It's funny in itself But the fact that it's floating by a A town called Dildo

It's pretty good You know It's pretty good Yeah So My dick was actually a dick I This has nothing to do

Well your dick was a dick too When? A dick of a board They were being dicks Yeah Your HOA board was being dicks Being dicks Dicks across the whole

probably dick eisenberg on the on the board maybe he's the main dick advisor right it has uh not penis shaped but you know here in cordelaine idaho beautiful beautiful downtown cordelaine established and uh there was a giant flood here giant okay the town flooded noah's flood like i said giant like it was this historic fucking it was the water was over main street here it was it was a whole thing but while this flood happened i want to say maybe five years ago now out of fucking nowhere this giant die floated up to the main... Like a dice die? Like a dice.

A die. This giant metal die that no one knows where the fuck it came from. So it flooded and the water came up. Some dude on some part of the lake made a giant die at some point in time. No one knows when. And the water picked it up and then just floated it to city beach here in cordelaine and it was like what the fuck is this for miss the mystery was like like imagining if it was a giant metal dick probably but it was a roll of a dice could have

been a dick or a die you know what i mean and they didn't know what to do with it and they just sat in a parking lot for a long time and now it's installed as like an art exhibit. I was going to ask that. I was like, how does that not happen with something like that? So it got installed, and there's a little plaque that explains that no one knows where this die came from. No one came forward and was like, hey, that was me that made it. No, not a single person. Weird.

Yep. No one knows. And now it just sits downtown Coeur d'Alene as a little art exhibit but I do remember I have pictures of my kids when it floated up like outstanding on it because everyone was just confused how big was it it's huge have you not seen it no it's um well maybe I haven't I didn't realize I don't know I mean not that big but I'd say it's probably six seven feet tall but it's a die so it's going to be also six seven feet across uh say it's probably six, seven feet tall. But it's a die. So it's going to be also six, seven feet across. Six sides?

Yeah. All the sides are there. And they're all painted. It has little dots on it. Like a giant. Like Sasquatch was playing shoot and die. And I guess he's like lost one and left it in the woods. And the flood picked it up and brought it in.

Interesting. Yeah. That's a fun little tidbit. Little tidbit. I like a good tidbit. Our Petty Beef this week is intense. Silence in the court! You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom,

where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. This Petty Beef was brought to our attention by our son lance brought to you by brought to you by lance from viewers like you what's for dinner this one's tough this one's tough there's not gonna be a clear answer oh but here you go this was a post somewhere on the interwebs uh not from one of the kids i guess it could have been but i don't think it is but the

original poster wrote this says my wife has a terminal disease she is projected to live at most nine months i am of course destroyed we've been together for a decade i don't remember life without her i don't know what i'm going to do when she's gone. I have been doing my best to make sure the last days of her life are good and grant whatever wish I possibly can. The doctor said that she is likely to need a wheelchair in four to five months, then by month eight, she'll be bedridden for the last few weeks. That's if she does not decline faster. Recently, she sat me down and told me that one of the last things she wanted to do was have sex with one of her previous partners. I, of course, was shocked when I asked why the fuck she wants that.

So basically, she thinks that her most physical, compatible, satisfying lover was him. She gave a whole monologue about how sex sometimes is physical and how emotionally fulfilling sex is with me but it was bullshit till we got to that point so now i'm left with this deny my dying wife a wish for my own ego and let her go fuck another man who she feels was better honestly i'm so pissed off and betrayed that she asked me this in the first place i feel like i'm put in a position where i have to say yes because she's dying i know know what I want to say, but I don't know if that's right. I'm so hurt that sex with an ex was apparently so good that she needs to do it once before another time before she dies. I just hate everything about this.

That changes how not necessarily a petty, a petty beef. No, but man, oh man. Like you, you want to, I guess it makes missing her a lot easier or uh jesus christ you know what i mean like you're like you know what i mean buddy oh god she's she's so sad that i'm she's not gonna be around to be with me and then she's like yeah i want to plow this other dude and you're like oh okay yeah maybe he didn't mean that much to you so it'd be a little bit easier i think but there's also some things to dissect in here too, which is, does sex have to be, that's everything to a relationship? Yeah, yeah.

Right. Maybe she just wants a good fucking. Right. But how do you not take that personally? That's tough. If you're the guy that's not doing the good fucking. Mm-hmm. And I mean, and I'm not going to get into him.

Maybe I will. We'll see how this goes. Of the comments that people wrote back, like trying to decipher what you would do in this situation, I guess, I don't know, man. Like trying to think of putting myself in that situation. situation and i guess a lot of it honestly would have to do with if you had sex with him or one of your exes right or with her whatever is going on here and um after that happened then how what does the situation look like is everything completely back to normal like or is like outside of you like outside of you personally like you're gonna have some reservations depending on your view on sex because there's plenty of poly there's plenty

of open relationships where you've been doing this the whole time because you guys have an understanding that sex is just sex but as far as everything else concerned i want to have a life with you i just i enjoy having sex with different people i mean who i mean and then in the again in the short who doesn't like who doesn't enjoy having sex with different people but whether or not your relationship can tolerate that i think that's why a lot of understand that oh yeah the person you're with you just have a desire to. What else? What new? Your instinct. Primal instinct. Primal instinct.

Because anybody that's faithful, you're avoiding primal instincts. Yeah, you're pushing it all aside. So what I'm curious is like, if I'm this guy, I would start thinking, has she been always thinking about how she wishes she could go fuck her ex or is it just something like now that she's had time to like step back and look at her life and she's like i would like to do that one more time or was she always yearning to do it now this is her chance because then that's like oh shit has our relationship been a sham or is there every time we fuck you think about fucking yeah this guy that would change if if that your mind went there that would change your how your relationship mind went there that would change your how your relationship right you would you'd view your relationship completely different i thought

this woman loved being with me loved having sex but turns out she was visualizing some other dude the whole time what if okay this guy just had pristine monumental penis right yeah and then you're like have them send you a pic and you took a you're like i'm gonna fuck it too like you were you're like no i get it what if you got a plaster dick made of it and she could bang herself on your bedridden if it was just about the dick oh my god could you imagine i don't want to i know you're making a dildo out of this guy's dick and then you have to use it to pleasure your wife with with stan's dick with gerald fucking gerald's pristine peen just like you got you're having sex with her they make these i'm not sure if you know this i do because i'm weird they make um like strap on dildos but you can also put your

dick in the back of the dildo oh so like you're just wearing a bigger dick what like you're i don't know your partner like but it's not like you know yeah they just want a bigger dick and you don't have it you have to stick your dick in the back of a hollowed out dick which again if you're out there and you do this i'm not making fun of you i just have never thought about that situation until i found out they existed it's dick extensions yes it's like a like a fucking plastic enhancing condom that you just slide does it feel good i don't know i've never i've never used one i wouldn't think so it's just there it's just there but it's like it's not thin like it's a it's a fucking plat so i don't know how good that can

feel it's just what if it's loose like every time it just slips off every time you're trying to thrust uh but imagine you're like you're having sex with her and you're thinking and she's like i hate to do this but you think you could grab gerald you grab gerald's dick oh shit i'm about to come just come and grab gerald's dick well you okay go ahead and do that and then you can finish me off with that's okay you go ahead and do you do what you gotta do babe you do that and then you can finish me off with Gerald's dick that's okay you go ahead and do it you do what you gotta do babe you do you and then when you're done

doing you you can do me with Gerald's dick I don't know what I would do I could see a world where it's fine like if you really loved I mean I don't know there's different I would like to poll the audience here I would like to know what

her mate like if she's you ask this woman so like she's your wife hey bitch listen here you son of a bitch no but listen here seriously like okay is this like do you have an emotional attachment with this or is it like a nostalgic thing like you cared for this person you guys had a relationship together you're gonna die you just want one more experience with that person it doesn't mean that you love that guy you still love me but there's just it's like a there's just some sort of a thing that's like you have to have one more experience with this person before you die right because it's just one of those things your brain is just an important person of your life like you want to go you want to go back and visit your house before you die but this is that kind of that same thing like

i had comfort when i was with this person or something weird you know like it's a i just want to experience this one more time i know it's so but just don't let it be him the last one before make sure he's not the last one as soon as you're done with this i'm reclaiming yeah as soon as you you while you cry and pretend to come i don't care i'm getting i'm getting back in she's bedridden that means gerald's got to come over yeah and like so you're just like what in the living room you guys need anything in there you guys hydrated she's just she's snacks she's just screaming more than she ever has imagine having to listen to that. I'm good. Don't need a Capri Sun.

Or whatever you're doing in the... Thanks for asking. Oh, Gerald. She's screaming Gerald's name. Oh, man, Gerald. He's just plowing away, and you're like watching Judge Judy. Judge Joe Brown. Turning it up.

Turning up Judge Joe Brown. The plaintiff. That's Judge Judy. The cases are real. Who are you? The people are real Who are you? The people are real Gerald fucking He's cranking it up

The rulings are final Just as loud as you possibly can Fucking Gerald I'm taking Gerald and Judge Judy For fucking my wife God damn it Oh that's so funny And that would suck If it was over She's like fucking Gerald. I'm taking Gerald on Judge Judy for fucking my wife. God damn it. Oh,

that's so funny. And that would suck if it was over. She's like, I hate to do this. But I'm moving him to Gerald. I was going to say, can we do it again?

But yeah. I'd hate to do this, but can you roll me to Gerald's? Can you roll my face? I want to die at Gerald's. Can you pack all my shit up? I'd love to die at Gerald's.

You're like, banning it. I want to die at Gerald's Can you back all my shit up I'd love to die at Gerald's You're like The rulings are final Roll yourself Oh god Yeah the badass wheels She's just like I promise you It's just a one time thing I just want to experience it

It happens And then yeah She yes oh man i remember i was missing that fucking i remember why we what i found why i liked him before he did say that they went through some shit and it finally got to that point where she was like sex is just sex but he said there's a lot of bullshit before like get to that point so he's not in i don't was there is there a follow-up to this did it happen i don't know is she alive i don't know this come out don't know that either i'm sure i could if i dived into the this is like an article compiled so like the og original post doesn't tell me in this article at least when that was done um hmm damn it i had i had one more thing to say about this before we move on but uh i'm having a hard time remembering right now it was about uh oh picture this being like a make a

wish situation just a kid like what's your final what your disneyland i want to fuck gerald like um just one more time okay anything else nope just that gerald dick what do you want really though that's funny what do you really want look dead in the eyes like if you have had gerald's dick you say the same you'd get it no you would you should try it you should try it you should try i don't mind you see you can see what i'm talking about they're like okay it's like some corrupt make a wish world we're all like the counselors or decision makers or fucking gerald to decide if your make a wish is gonna make go through just laying pipe all over the place laying pipe just the bestie i don't

i would i would have a hard time with this i don't even know what i would say i'm not in um i'm not in a mindset i've never been in a mindset of like a poly situation well you also i don't know you you've never been in a situation where like your spouse is going to die and wants to just fuck a dick that's not yours not even just that but like you know that okay i my wife i have nine months left with her maybe and it's not that's not gonna be nine good months it's gonna be nine declining yeah yeah so like and then she wants to spend some of that precious time she wants to spend five minutes of that? Fucking another man's dick. Okay, we have to move on. But I'm just picturing that same situation where you're watching Judge Judy at volume 100,

but you're still trying to be supportive. You need anything? He's like... You need anything? Ice chips or a Sunny D? What'd you say? Was that goldfish? Okay. I'll bring some goldfish.

Gold bun? Goose? What are you saying? Why are you spitting? You're asking questions also to be louder. She's doing all the moves that you wish. She never did. That's the deciding factor. Are you wish that she never never did that's the

deciding factor are you doing anal then gerald's taking you to the end because you didn't do that with mine one of these comments down i forget where it went um that he said okay sure you do that but now gerald's taking care of you for the next nine months. Yeah. That's, bye. He's going to buy all your medicines and. Fuck all your holes. Gerald's like, I'm in. And pay for the funeral. Yeah, and pay for the funeral. What if Gerald was so magnificent that this was like a thing?

Everyone's last wish is fuck Gerald. Yeah. So there's like all these cancer patients are just getting plowed by Gerald. He's got a calendar. He's like, hmm. I'm supposed to bang Sally this weekend, but I could probably squeeze you in. But I got Susan on Monday. You have to squeeze me in.

Hey. Sally and Susan. How old are these people? Wendy. Linda. Gertrude. I don't know. Sylvia.

I'm going to go with no. But just off the, I don't know. But I'd like to hear from the kids too like are you in an open relationship uh maybe try to explain it to us a little bit like is this be totally fine with you hey guys at can you don't podcast.com yeah because if you're an open relationship like i think everyone well it's just but if you're an open relationship everyone appreciates how much they like sex it's like it's like it's a it's like a sex apt app yeah they're like i'm going on here everyone on here is looking to hook up so we all we all get it yeah so if your wife said that and you'd be like oh yeah that's that's totally fine you mind if i watch if you're already doing that yeah yeah that's different but if you

thought you were if you thought you were like soul. Mahogany the whole time. Mahogany, yeah. Yeah. Then, yeah, that'd be weird for sure. Then again, you could be soulmates. Just like getting fucked by other stuff. You thought of mahogany, but apparently it's cedar. Because you get to cedar.

Gerald gets to cedar. Oh, that's supposed to work. There we go. There it is. Okay, we're going to jump down a bit in today's show. Okay. Oh, wow. We went long. Just like Gerald. Hey. We'll hear from jump down a bit in today's show. Okay. Oh, wow. We went long.

Just like Gerald. Hey. We'll hear from some of the kids. Let's do it. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

Our first email for this week coming in from our wild child daughter, Mindy. Woo! She writes, Hey, Daddies B and J. Wow. I have a small bit of dark humor for you. Okay. My kids and I tell each other

everything. Okay. I'm an effort to keep them on... In? I'm an effort... Oh, yep. It's probably supposed to say in. Thanks, Mindy. I was going to call you Molly. In an effort Oh yep It's probably supposed to say in Yeah Thanks Mindy I was going to call you Molly In an effort to keep them honest with me I've told them just about every mistake I've made

When I was 23 I cheated on my soon to be husband And got pregnant Heyo I took a plan B It didn't work Oh god I passed the pregnancy off as my husband's

For as long as I could Oh my god It lasted about two and a half years We told my son the truth when he was 10 I passed the pregnancy off as my husband's for as long as I could. Oh, my God. It lasts about two and a half years. We told my son the truth when he was 10 because he was black. I added that. Yeah. It crushed him. Of course, now he's not even close to the same.

He's like, huh? This isn't panning out. He's like just dark. Dark. It crushed him. Of course, now he's 15 and has uh has processed the information he has accepted it recently he went through his first breakup in an attempt to cheer him up i told him don't worry buddy you'll be okay you're a plan b survivor nothing keeps you

from living oh my god love your show i'm gonna keep sending emails like this until you guys say my name on your show you You did it for fucking Noel. Remember that? Yep. My name is Mindy. I love hearing my name. Just do it, please. Oh, Mindy.

Oh, Mindy. How many different ways can we say? Minday. Minday. Mindy. Windy. I'm Mindy, you. I'm Mindy, you.

I get it. Tell your friends not to come on hotel walls And don't forget to Tip your housekeepers Love your bipolar Mess of a dollar Mess of a dollar? Daughter Did I say dollar?

What has just changed? Don't call me Daughter Don't call me Dollar That is some dark humor That's not my name Oh come here buddy

You'll be okay You're a plan B survivor With a little Like a little noogie Yeah Come yeah come on plan b survivor instead of sport it's like what would you that's my little plan b survivor he's getting his doctorate like so plan my little plan b survivor ends up being president like just oh man that would be that should be dead right now but i'm not but i'm president of the united states see anybody can do it anybody like what if that was this platform that he ran on to be president i was plan b so you could be plan a it's but he uses it like a

planned parenthood type thing it's like a pro-life or uh you know like see yeah we could get some dark yeah we could get Some dark shit Yeah we could get into it Tell you that much Yeah But there you go Mindy You got your story read And you got your name

And that's hilarious And you got your name Got your name talked about Yeah Our final email Coming in from our whore Of a daughter Katie Who writes

Hey daddies Please excuse the ramblings I've never been good At holding on To one thought For very long While driving home From an eye appointment This week I was listening to Your latest episode Cannibal carpet Please excuse the ramblings. I've never been good at holding on to one thought for very long. While driving home from an eye appointment this week, I was listening to your latest episode, Cannibal Carpet Milk Truck Psychopath,

in which, if I remember correctly, you insinuate that women do not like sex nearly as much as men do. I am writing to tell you that I believe that to be absolute bullshit. She's pissed. Kind of makes me... I know so many women who love yes i know you will yell that yeah this is love this love pantera yeah i actually just heard that song much longer love sex and would fuck like porn stars every night if given the chance i am one of these women and sadly my husband doesn't take advantage of this my best friend and i joke that our punishment for having a high sex drive is to have partners that have low sex drives it's a karmic birth control hey where i believe that the issue lies

is in the fact that men are very physical while women are very mental i for one can get myself off without ever touching myself whoa if i need or want to what is that a superpower dude that's awesome i'm gonna be part of the x-men uh i guess think of a fantasy i guess think of the fantasy and throw myself into it hold on hold on really quick she's like she's a superhero right yeah and like the bat signal goes up yeah and all she does instead of saving lives she just has an orgasm and it goes back to. Like all the X-Men are fighting this giant battle. She's in the corner coming. She's like, oh.

And then she's like, okay. Okay. Have some chocolate and watch Grey's Anatomy. Right. I can't say the name for my, I can't say the same for my best friend, but I do know that she, like many women, need both mental and physical stimulation to have a good fuck. If I may, I have a suggestion for you all. Sit down with your partners and have an honest conversation

about what they're into sexually. And if they don't know, there's an extensive online test they can take. I suggest you take it too. Once you know what they're into, find a romance book that features it. I can help with suggestions if needed, as can most of book talk, as long as it's not what

you... You're like reading fucking nerds. Nerds! Nerds! Nerds! talk as long as it's not what you like reading fucking nerds reading i'm gonna do that as long as it's not outside the realm of possibilities i.e supernatural they will likely give you a good look into how to approach now it's time to play a long game start teasing them the longer it lasts the better uh You want to make them essentially a live wire before you even get any pleasure. The more riled up they are by the time you are ready to fuck, the better. You want their orgasm to hit like a gigantic wave,

and then you need to help them ride that high. A good orgasm is just as addicting as any drug. All this is to say this, that communication and foreplay are sometimes the answer to a boring bedroom life. Another good rule is that for every orgasm they have she deserves two or every orgasm you have she deserves two this could also all be bullshit and me and my friend are just uh outliers within the group yeah maybe because some i mean there's women that cannot come multiple multiple times in

a row anyways or at all anyways i hope your next fuck is a good one please leave me anonymous if this gets shared oops bane well she wrote her name she did and also there's a lot of we didn't say your last name yeah there's a lot of people this could be my mom like my mom's name is yeah is whatever name i said If you want to rewind it. Yeah, it makes sense. First of all, I don't remember exactly what we said. About? About in that episode. I think it was just a not understanding of how horny guys possibly, like we will fuck. Yeah.

Like anything. And I think. Just to come. And the point I think we were trying to make in that conversation was it's like 99.9 percent of of guys are that way i'm not denying that women can be that way i just think that more men are that way it's it's like a proven yeah it's in like the primal instincts to just oh you know you can give it to you but yes hey me hey hey me it's it's your penis again it's your penis again because you want to fuck something

i think you're right i'm with you on that one too and i so i'm there's no there's no denying that there are women that feel that i just think as a whole and wanting sex and then doing everything in your life around getting sex yeah yeah it's like it's it's the motivation it's your i mean like good for her and but you know your husband should probably step it up yeah he should or gerald's gonna step yeah step yeah he doesn't step up jay will step in it's gonna be your dying wish your husband doesn't fucking everyone just step it up everyone's like standing in front of microwaves and like trying to get cancer so they can fuck Gerald. Just get that GD one last time. Good point though.

Thank you anonymous person who didn't mention it all. And that's good for you, man. Good for you to be able to do that. Be able to just over and over again. That's the best. You're like watching a show and you're like oh you know what you start thinking about it

I know an untouchy man that is a superpower I wonder what the percentages are on that we'll have to look it up yeah see I think

I feel like she's an outlier when she says she's an outlier I feel like she knows she is an outlier not that there are a lot of people that can't do that

but that sounds like an outlier to be able to just not even touch yourself and just be able to that's some wet dream shit yeah that's like telepathic that's like the height of hormones yeah because guys can't even do that well you can in your sleep back when you're a teenager yeah some of those some of those would be weird just lay there in bed and like stare at your wiener and just be like get it like you it. You know what to do. You can be as horny as you want, but I couldn't imagine still getting yourself mentally. Be pumped, though.

If you had both your arms broken, your hands were burned. You're on a mountain. You got frostbite. You're like, the last thing I'm going to do. That dude that got his arm stuck and he had to chop it off. Imagine both arms and be like, God, this sucks, but I want to rub one out one last time. You're like, well, let's just think about it.

But Ev, you're so distracting. Yeah, what? How do you turn all that off? I don't know. It'd be a lot to be able to come wherever you want to. We're going long. Episode 48's over. Yeah.

Yeah, that's it. That was a fun one. Yeah, we did the whole thing uh follow us on instagram and facebook and we have a youtube channel please support us on patreon it does such good things for us be a part of the gaggle go to patreon.com slash can you know podcast of course you get that bonus content on the back end of every single episode if you are part of patreon does not matter what tier it is. Just do it. And we're starting to add more to the show.

We're bringing articles in there. So it's not just... It was starting out kind of a recap, but now it's like its own little... Got all the questions from the gaggle. It's a little show in there. Direct access to us. Ask us whatever you want. We'll answer it.

We'll answer it the best we can. Have something you want to see on the show. Send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Again, thank you to Penny and Cat for sending in the physical gifts. Put Penny in the cat. Yeah, the K sound a little harder than the ss. Penny and the cat. Rate and review us wherever you can.

And, of course, thanks to the babysitters that moderate our facebook page are you ready for something on the back end of the show yeah i like that back end yeah you do action good god wrap it up already huh sometimes you're not having a good day right yeah sometimes you're not always having a good day and this is something that i always try to remember because not too long ago, having a rough day. And I know I've talked about this before and I did not come up with this by any means, but it's something that I try to remember whenever I'm not having a good day. And this is it right here. Okay.

Now, stop. Think, are you actually having a bad day? Or are you just letting five bad minutes ruin your entire day like was it just a thing that barely came and went and you're like oh he's gonna milk it for the rest of the day like well today's fucked what if a tornado hit your house that then that wouldn't apply here like ah well joe said just a bad five minutes where I lost my house. A tornado comes through. It rips up the entire city. Your house gone.

You're laying in your bathtub. Pets are gone. Family members are dead. And you're like, okay, was it just a bad five minutes or just going to ruin my day? It's going to ruin my whole day. I can't let it ruin my day. I'm going to go. I'm going to go.

I'm going to start building. I'm going to go work out. I'm going to go get a workout in. Can't skip leg day. Can't skip leg day. No, there's so many instances like just something happens you're like god damn it and it happened in the morning and you're like well today's fucked well and you know what happens is once you go down that route you're you're kind of walk around

mopey so you're you end up knocking something off the counter or like you're making your day worse because you're bringing yourself down focused on other stuff too your brain's not there and that compiles into something else. You plow into somebody and kill a family. Right. And before you know it, you're in prison. Before you know it, jail's fucking your wife. Mm-hmm.

While you're in prison. While you're in prison. Right? Am I right? Hey. All right, geese. We will see you, kids. We'll see you next week.

Yeah. See you later. Peace. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.