Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | I'll. Miss. You. Grace.

Episode Date: May 22, 2024

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I'll miss you, Grace. Well, Brian, if we've learned anything about doing this show, it's that sometimes life is not always great. No? Sometimes shit happens. In our case, it happens all the time, apparently, in this show. Fuck, dude. And I couldn't just not talk about it you know we kicked around ideas about just like okay well like how do you address this do we need to

address it and i guess before i address it i just want to say that like people writing in and talking about this show being the escape from their reality that it is. Right. And I want people to understand that doing this show is also, is also our escape from reality. Big time. Um, which is ultimately like we've pushed it back.

It's, this is days and days and days later than we would normally record an episode. And thank you guys for, you know, doing that and working with me and so we can make it happen but um decide to do it even though you guys have said you're like we just don't have to we don't have to do it and i was like i know i get it i i totally do and ultimately decided that uh

that we're still going to do it regardless of um receiving the unfortunate news earlier this week that uh one of my little sisters grace has passed away um i mean you know obviously torn apart i was like you know just being me and joking around with my brother a little bit and being like well if i had to choose a favorite between watching your dad slowly fade away from brain cancer or your sister suddenly dying unexpectedly, I don't know which one I'd pick. This is great. Oh, yeah. It actually makes me think when you saying it like that, like people that have big families. Yeah.

Or you're just like, oh, God. You know, like you just start dropping off like yeah that's what makes me think like sometimes i wish i didn't have a family like i was born into like a dysfunctional like didn't don't have family no kids and so i don't have to worry about anybody yeah i don't care about anybody except for just eating a meal yeah and um so my sister grace although we don't have like any 100 confirmed reports back from the toxicology tests and all that kind of stuff yet but uh with what was there and struggles she's had in the past i like it it looks like it was a accidental overdose

from prescription drugs um Um, she just, we don't, we don't know. I mean, the city of Austin has told us plenty of things. Like I won't get into it. And they said, this is looking like something that we've been seeing all over the place. Um,

so she got the wrong things from the wrong guy, the wrong time. It looks like. And, uh, yeah, accidentally, you know, just just fucking

took too much of it and or whatever she was whatever she was doing a dosage that she thought was going to be fine was not fine and uh we're all i mean truly heartbroken and just reeling going through waves which anyone who's dealt with grief and loss uh can relate to where it's like one moment it doesn't even feel fucking real and the next one it's just a completely overwhelming sadness and then some anger too like oh i'm yeah fucking pit and like and you know she you know like she said she had her struggles and we've we've done a lot we've tried we've been through this you know over the last couple years and she would you you know, try to get out and then wouldn't get out. And then eventually you're ashamed of that. And you start fucking

hiding everything, even though we all fucking know. Um, and she had a lot going on and unfortunately just made him, made a mistake. Like she was so fucking, I can't even, you guys never had never met her. She didn't come up this way because we would always just go down to austin and see him and she was one of the funniest fucking people in the world she was so goddamn funny and so witty and so caring and loving she just had she was fighting um like i remember so many different occasions where i hadn't seen her in a bit and she'd stop over and like my stomach hurts so much from a fucking dinner and she'd be like anyway like you should have got to go and she'd leave and i would look at max at my brother and i'd be like grace is so fucking funny he goes i know like she's really god damn just looks at the world a different way which i did

uh and we had a big connection that way, uh, sharing those thoughts with each other and like, just like standing there and like seeing something happen where everyone reacted a certain way. And then we'd fucking laugh and turn it into something else. So like we had that connection. So obviously very sad that, um,

that that's, you know, that's gone, but I don't know. I, I, I guess circling back around, still decided to do the show, wanted to talk about it.

I know addiction and the secrecy around it. I've been through it. I've lived it. And a lot of people have. Some people right now are doing it. They're hiding their addiction. Or they have a friend or they have a family member that are, that's going through it. And I guess talking about it, you just know you never, you just might fucking wake up one day and your

sister's fucking dead. So I don't, I don't know what you do with that information. But if it, if it helps apply it to your life and decide to still do this show, cause like I mentioned, it's an escape for you guys and that's an escape for us and we're gonna still still have some fun um you know i'm sick of fucking crying uh you know sick of just fielding although i appreciate it and love it like friends and family members like checking in non-stop because they don't know what to fucking do no one does well i don't even know what to do i'm like i keep thinking myself like should i be calling him should i just go over there i'm like i don't want to do that if you came over i would have just kicked the shit out of you

yeah yeah no kidding that's probably why i didn't come over you're like i really just want to go tell him how sorry i am give him a hug but he will kick the shit out of me. It's weird because I start thinking from my own perspective. Like, I don't, you know, like we joked before, like, I don't, I keep my birthday secret because I want people to feel like they feel obligated. So it's like, same thing. Like, I don't know what to do because I think I would rather be left alone. So I don't know if other people like that or if they want it. No,

a little bit of a little bit of that. I mean, I appreciate it. It's not like it's, it's not, it's not bugging me, but it's just, uh,

at least right now it's a, it's a nonstop reminder. And of course your brain, you're thinking about it and you're sad for her. And well, then somebody finds out days later and then they reach out. And when you maybe like, you,

maybe you're having a good day or something. You're like, Oh, you finally forgot. I were able to get some stuff done yeah and then someone just like oh i just heard heard the news like fuck i know now there goes the day yeah i mean and we went through that with our dad you know zach you've gone through that with your family members and yeah there's really no words to no and you feel like you're like you're you're saying shit like like you have something profound to say to him yeah exactly that's what

happens yeah oh man just know i'm here for you like so you i get it like the other way you feel like you're just bugging him um the way i look at it though is like you were friends so you know i'm here for you yeah i know so and when bad things happen you're not i'm definitely gonna you know what i mean so it's like it goes saying. I wish that was exactly what you said. You're like, we're friends. So, you know, I'm here for you. I mean, bad things happen. I'm not, I truly avoid you because I don't want to deal with it.

What's weird. Like I would, like, I don't usually don't like to leave the house, but if you would have said, Hey man, she go grab me. I probably would have done it. Yeah. Not a hundred percent. I probably would have thought about it. I would have thought I would at least given it some thought.

That's why we're friends. Could go. So that about it. I would have thought. I would have at least given it some thought. That's why we're friends. Anyway. Could go. So that's it. Sorry. I know this is, again, like you're like, fuck yeah. Last week's episode is so much fun. Joe's going on a hot air balloon.

Can't wait to hear about it. And then you open up 101. It's like, you fucking what? Yeah. But we're going to, we'll shift it. We're going to turn this around. We're still going to have fun. I'm going to use it as a way to get away from,

uh, just what's going on in my life. I just would truly appreciate it. If everyone close to me would stop dying. That would be great. Well, the fact that you're here means you survived. I survived the hot air balloon,

but I, can I say this? Oh God. I know it's too soon, but God damn it. I have to, now that I thought it. Yes. I, I made it's too soon, but God damn it. I have to, now that I thought it. Yes.

I, I made it through a hot air balloon, right? I'm alive, but this goes to show you how dangerous hot air balloons are. God damn it. That if you're even just related to someone that's been on one. God damn it. You're not safe. You don't know. related to someone that's been on one god damn

you're not safe you don't know if you're in the same family tree that the hot air balloon stuck in it's not worth it your odds of dying go up if someone you know if someone you're even related to goes in a hot air balloon you're not safe

that's how fucking crazy these things are okay let's use let's use that joke i was waiting for it oh yeah here it is there it is let's take let's take that joke and let's just let's move on let's have some fun um thank you to everyone who has reached out uh except i made a post about it i just you know it's like uh i don't know i didn't want to it's one of those things but it's like it's that's what the obituary is now. She has friends and I have friends that would never know. I don't know who to text. I don't know how to fucking tell them.

So I post about it, but anyway, made a post and they get everyone who has, has, has reached out or already knows about this. Um, and going back to what you said, if this,

I don't, you know, like maybe if this is someone, someone's listening, this is like, I know someone that's struggling with stuff and you're like, ah, I'll reach out in a week and make sure it's like, no, maybe, maybe reach out now.

Maybe it won't, it won't change anything. Yeah. But at least, but at least you, you did, you know? Um, all right. Well, yeah, let's take that one. Let's, let's talk about, let's talk about hot air balloons. Cause I did have some fun experiences. Then we'll get into show one-on-one.

We do have some fun stuff here. I, so yeah, I survived. But one of the funniest takeaways from my hot air balloon survival story. Your survivor? Oh, that should be the thing. I got in a hot air balloon and I survived. Yeah. And all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

The torch, you guys, is louder than you could ever imagine. And the guy, the torch guy, the ballooner. The pilot? The pilot. No, I'm not going to go that far. The ballooner. The ballooner, the guy pulling it, was doing something that we just talked about and have talked about a handful of times on the show. And that is when dentists are, like, working on your teeth.

They ask you a question. Oh, God. Whether it's a yes or no. Yeah. And they ask you a question oh god whether it's yes or no yeah and they ask you something and just like shuffle things in your mouth you're like this guy was doing that but with a fucking flamethrower like he would ask he would ask people questions he's like you know what are you guys gonna do this weekend he's like he's like pretty cool right what amazing view. And the second someone would be like, yeah. And he would just stare at him and nod like he could fucking hear him.

And it's so hot. Yeah, it's an open flame. You feel like your skin's boiling. And this guy, he did it over and over again. And I was laughing so hard watching him work his way around the basket. How big was the basket? Big. Huge. Gigantic basket. And it had sections. It wasn't opened. I didn't know that. hard watching him work his way around the basket how big was the basket big huge gigantic basket and it was uh it had sections it wasn't opened i didn't know that what again i won't okay i wanted

to be a surprise so i didn't really look into like all of it because i would be like okay i'm gonna take this all in the basket had like uh dividers so you were put into like little pockets like a waffle so there were different people up there with you? Yes. Okay. Yes. I think that would make me feel more comfortable. You weren't so alone. I think like 20-something. What?

Yeah. Really? Dude, that's massive. Yeah, it would have been a mass suicide if we all would have went down. That has to be bigger than most, right? I don't know. I mean, that's fucking huge. It was fucking...

And it put you in little pockets. So it distributed the weight evenly, but you also got to stand with people that you wanted to be around. I thought it was just an open basket. I don't know. I feel like every hot air balloon I've seen is just an open basket. Well, the dude that fell out of the one that was dragged on the ground, that was an open one.

It was much smaller. Yeah. How high did you go up? High. I don't know the exact, I cannot explain to you how big these fucking balloons are. Like it was, it was, they're comically large they're fucking gigantic i can't believe we're talking about and i know they come in different sizes but the this one carrying this many people was so big it was a blimp let's be honest i was in a blimp um but

go guy the landing process was so funny he had to prep us all right but also get a little bumpy but also i i'll get into the prepping thing i was also actually impressed with he knew he knew where he was going he did exactly where he was landing and this is something i never thought about there's ropes inside of the balloon and again this all could have been solved if you just looked it up and you can pull up and you can pull on it And it shifts the balloon so that the air coming out the top can actually propel you in a certain direction. Oh, kind of like a parachute where you can pull the thing. So you can pull these things and kind of use the balloon to steer you going left to right. But they gave us like different categories.

They're like, A, we're going like zero to something miles an hour it's gonna be fine b category this to this c hold on it's a c landing like we're going pretty quick and we're coming down into our landing spot looks like it's gonna be a c and i was like i was like fucking of course it is because they all are because you want that right take A and B off but I was like oh my god we were humming we were going like 20 something miles an hour is it miles or is it knots?

balloons jets? we were going 20 balloons an hour but we were zipping I was looking at the ground and I was laughing so hard I was like oh my god this is going to be so good I wasn't scared of getting hurt not to mention we got into town Like we were zipping. Like I was looking at the ground and I was laughing so hard. I was like, oh my God, this is going to be so good. Like I wasn't scared of getting hurt.

Not to mention like we got into town and we had friends there and we stayed up. We slept for maybe 30 fucking minutes before we got up at 3.30 to head out into the fucking desert to get on a fucking balloon. Was it a sunrise ride? Yeah. I don't even know how long it was. Like just so delirious and lost track of time. It doesn't matter. How many other balloons were out there? You think I just in our little group,

there was three or four and then everywhere there was fucking balloons. Did you ever get close to another one? No, but a plane was flying around us. That was really cool. Like a small little crop duster was coming right by, like within probably a hundred, hundred yards,

like flying around the balloon. And the guy in the balloon was waving to him. They knew each other. It's a whole community. So, okay. Anyway, it slowed down. He's like,

see landing, see landing. And then we got down there and he's like, hold on. And he goes, Oh, it looks like he's dialing back a little bit. And then we just kind of,

you know, you're landing and you hit the people jump out of a fucking truck or chasing you down. It was exactly all the things I wanted it to be. And they're like, hold on tight. And they're leaping on like to hold it down, to stop it from fucking dragging across the desert. So there's a whole landing team, kind of like an aircraft carrier.

And they communicate, they know where we're going. And then they go there and then drive. And then as they were driving, people jumped out the van doors and ran and caught the fucking balloon so does the next flight take off from there and go somewhere else i think they're done well how do they how does it get back down to the beginning well they pack it up yeah so the trailer comes and they take the balloon down and like once it gets windy it's over like you know that's the

mistake is it where they're like this fine and they get up in the winds like no it's they take some grass and they're like i ah, I don't know. A little too much. I'm willing to risk it if you guys are. So here's the question. 20 people with you. How much per person was it to get on that thing? Oh, man.

I don't remember off the top of my head, but expensive. Like a hundred bucks? A little more. I think around the two, 250. So 200 bucks a head. You're paying strictly for fucking gasoline. 200 bucks a head, 20 people. What is that?

What's the math on that? Four, four grand. Four grand per ride. Per balloon. That's pretty good money. Yeah. They're just raking it in, but they're also risking their life every day. Sure.

But sure. But who isn't? I mean, just getting in your car to head to work, you're risking it. Might as well get in a hot air balloon, you know what I mean? That's right. Less traffic. But anyway, survived. View was fine.

I will never do it again. But I'm glad I did. Never as in, like, that was awful, or okay, I did it. It's fine. It's fine. Fine. Cool view, cool experience. I got to take it all in.

But I would, like, I would jump out of an airplane like that'll be the next thing i'm like maybe jump out of an air balloon if i get to that point in my life yeah if everyone around me keeps dying that's i'll get there i'll start jumping out of hot air blue you just like fuck it what's the worst thing that could happen at this point there's no one left fuck this this. But yeah, it was fine. I just wanted to share that. I got lots of videos and all sorts of stuff, but I don't know. It was just, it was fine. I will never do it again.

It's weird that we just talked about that because we were, I was under the impression that neither one of us would ever do it. So was I. I still will never do it. Yeah. Why won't you ever do it again was i i still will never do it yeah why why won't you ever do it again i i mean it was really cool like it was actually a really cool experience and it was unique but it's one of those where you don't feel like you missed something like it wasn't like

you went to the grand canyon you saw the grand canyon like that was cool i don't feel like i need to go there again though i don't need to see this again kind of Kind of like that. Yeah. Or just like, I've seen it. I've seen it. Loved it. I'll tell everyone it was super cool and it was fine. It was great if they're going on one, but I'm not going to go back because I have to relive the hot air balloon experience. Like airplanes go way higher.

Maybe if you're doing like a race or something though. No, that's even crazier. I'm not getting a fucking hot air balloon race. You crazy. No. How tall was the basket? Was it like you're leaning on your arms? Yeah, it was up to your...

Like a counter? Yeah, a little higher than a counter, probably just below your armpits. So you were able to lean on it and look over? Mm-hmm. It was all desert, right? Yeah, desert and mountains, because Sedona's right there. Oh, so it was pretty then. Yeah, it was very pretty. It was all desert, right? Yeah, desert and mountains because Sedona's right there. Oh, so it was pretty then. Yeah, it was very pretty.

It wasn't just like flat. There was a bunch of cool shit to look at. Nice. But it was, yeah, there you go. Just figured there's the experience.

And I'll never do it again. Should we move on to get the show going? Yeah. Without no starting questions? Yeah. All right. Hey, Zach, you want to do it?

Hey, shut up. Start the show going starting question. Yeah. All right. Hey Zack you wonder All right This was actually sent in from our son Ethan. Hmm. He says Cut you off real quick. If you're not watching we have a birdhouse. Yeah Cassie's daughter Paige made that a long time ago and i it was in it's been in the house this entire time and it was like behind a pillow you're not gonna come on her are you a 13 year old stepdaughter it's not about that it's a hole it's not about who made the hole i know but come on that one i'm not i'm not gonna sit here on weird on live podcast radio audio and tell you i won't fuck that birdhouse man look at the whole size no way all right back to you but page made it

and i promised her i'd say that but here's the birdhouse she wanted to make sure she was she had she was credited she was credited she didn't know why yeah but now if she listens now she knows why and she's probably like why'd you even do that? It's a pretty good birdhouse. It's a great birdhouse. Your kids and Cassie's daughter, I think, are dirtier than we are. Oh, yeah. They're teenagers. Yeah.

They're terrible. I was sitting here just taking it in, and they were sitting around talking. I'm like, good God. I don't remember. Taking notes on how to be a terrible person? Yeah. They know a lot. Yeah. They know a lot. Yeah.

They know too much. Internet world, man. All right. So back to Ethan. Sorry. All right. Hey, tip fuckers, he says. Hey.

My best friend and I love to have enchanted salads and talk over wild scenarios. When you think about the entire animal kingdom, you come to realize that human bodies are fragile as fuck compared to some animals. That was all caps. Fuck! Thank you. Such as armadillo now so let's imagine for a moment that every land dwelling animal is the same size as a person so everything living out there is our size gotcha my question for you guys is my size is that size you the middle. That's okay. So, four, eight. You get it.

Okay. My question for you is, what would be the ultimate apex predator if every animal was the same size, proportional to height and weight? Wow.

Each animal also retains its natural abilities such as an ant with its strength. Would a lion absolutely fuck up a bear? Would a human stand a chance

against a caterpillar? So, just some thoughts there. God, yeah. Humans are... Like, if we didn't have our brains, that's the only thing. That's really the thing that's... Our thumbs and our brains are what separated us. That's it. Fire. Yeah, that's brains. Our brains

figured out how to do it. And that just changed the world. Like, we can just build a thing to keep those out. We'll build a wall. And the other animals are like, we have to find a wall. That's really what really put us ahead. Earlier, Zach said, he's like, I think cat. And then I got thinking, well, there are tigers and lions and stuff. And they fuck people up.

Oh, yeah. So, now imagine like an elephant. Either, we have to decide what the size is. Well, it's the human size. Let's just say six foot. You're right. Six foot. Right.

So imagine an elephant shrinking down to our size. It's not so badass anymore. No, but it's cute. It's adorable, but it's not... I would ride that at a fair. Sure, but you don't... I mean, that's not going to kill anybody. You're like, yeah, who wouldn't?

Yeah, who wouldn't ride it? Why'd you even say that? I'm wasting my time with your elephant rides. What is a... Okay, let's think about something. Let's go small, like ant or wasp. How about a jellyfish? Those things are badass.

Just blobbing around? Yeah, fuck yeah. If you count the tentacles, aren't they bigger than humans anyway already? That could be. Yeah. Yeah, probably right. You gotta get them out of the water, though. But its body would be...

They're not gonna stand a chance against us out of the water. Fair. Get up, fucking pussy! I like the idea. Just kicking a jellyfish? You gotta get him out of the water though, but it's a body would be gonna stand a chance against us out of the water fair Get up fucking pussy. I like Dude the you threw out like a hornet. Mm-hmm a Japanese hornet. Yeah, I mean all those fucking snake Go fuck you Like I'm guessing it gets to keep it say they said height weight like proportions. It's just this big Like an anaconda that's even bigger What the fuck is that? Is this tremors?

Where's Kevin Bacon? I don't think people realize how badass Praying mantises are Praying mantis will fuck shit up And so a praying mantis Dude that's terrifying I just envisioned myself looking over and there being one human size standing right there and just fucking just

staring yeah with this fucking triangle head his eyes and he's like or a fly just just licking his just and staring back and you're like fuck yeah bugs getting big i mean tarantulas like i mean scorpions so my my kids have they bring these books home from library they're called who would win and it's the it's animal kingdom type strictly political and uh yes obviously uh so they're they're doing like caterpillars versus praying mantis that kind of stuff and but they're the normal size so and this is fresh because we we do we do this basically every night um but now i'm thinking like okay a caterpillar like think about a caterpillar but the size of a six foot human how terrifying that the way you see that crawling into the just imagine

look at that door and that fucker crawling in here you keep pointing down just point across the caterpillar is coming oh my god fuck caterpillars centipede oh that's what i meant not sorry i meant centipede not caterpillar now i'm in yeah yeah like one of those fuzzy ones i'd like i mean i just trying to punch a caterpillar it's like dude i'm just trying to turn into a butterfly it's like dude you realize that uh oh yeah right you're literally just in my way i don't want to fight you i want to eat all these leaves and i'm gonna fucking fly out here they're the original trans yeah or like like a right out like a polywog transitions into a frog and then you got a the caterpillar into a you know beautiful beautiful

drunk butterfly yeah god butterflies are kind of scary i never thought about that imagine you'd be able to hear the wings of a butterfly going brings me back to our b remember we were talking about the b being fucking huge the sound trying to sleep and just like a foghorn down the street or like yeah like basically turn on a lawn like sleeping with a lawnmower running in the room staring at you so bugs being big big things getting small um like a imagine i mean we we talked about this like is there anything cuter than a pocket-sized giraffe nothing but now licking licking your face yeah because his little head can go up to the top of your bed yeah that's adorable and in drafts well i mean they'll swing their necks around but they're not going to do much

damage no it's just one of those things like quit swinging your neck around bruce yeah or whatever you want to name your giraffe but i'm gonna name mine bruce bruce the giraffe this week this week we saw a tiny chicken like the size of a coffee mug oh like but full fully grown fully grown rooster what yeah and they they were bred for living in the house with diapers i was just like no way yeah and eggs the size of peas are they called teacup like a like teacup chicken 100 or like minis just like dogs yeah fucking cool looking things what a. But imagine a giant chicken. That would be a dinosaur.

Oh, that's scary. A dinosaur. Dinosaur egg. Dinosaur DMA. Yeah, that's a... Okay, so picture like a brachiosaurus or a supersaurus. You know, like a... Just shrunk it. I mean, they're herbivores, but still.

Well, like, okay. Well. I'm trying to visualize an armadillo. Like an arm, okay. Well. I'm trying to visualize an armadillo, like an armadillo this size, but then like an ankylosaurus, like the dinosaur ankylosaurus. Ankylosaurus probably wins because it's got that fucking

spike and club at the end of its tail. But an armadillo could probably take a beating. Yeah, I think we have to factor in the armored species. Like a roly... have to factor in the armored species. Like a rolly. Imagine a rolly polly. Holy fuck.

A full size. But it's still just a pussy? Yeah, but it could just roll up and. Yeah, roll up and then just turn into a fucking huge beach ball. It's like the BattleBots thing. Right. Where you just sit there and wait it out. Yeah, they're like, no, I'm just going to wait for all your gears to break.

I'm a ball. It's like your venom's gone. Too bad. Too bad. I'm a metal. It's like your venom's gone. Too bad. Too bad. I'm a metal ball. Dude, shit with venom. Like a black widow spider the size of a human. Fucking rattlesnake.

Oh, how loud that rattle would be. Your scorpion would be pretty bad. Scorpion would be fucking terrifying. Scorpions are one of the most terrifying looking things in the entire world they have so many weapons oh yeah like though yeah you can come at it straight here but then they've got this huge fucking stinger right over the top over they can come over the top when you least expect it you remember uh honey i shrunk the kids do when he fucks that anta auntie that was so fucking sad that's really sad we we almost watched that the other day and i was like, I can't. I can't watch the aunt die.

It's just like a dog dying. It's like, nope, I'm out. You know it'd actually be really hard to kill. Because going back to like it doesn't have to necessarily fight. Well, they'd say apex predator. So I guess if it has to be a predator, we can't pick this. I'm just thinking of a giant unopened clam.

And it's just like, no, no. You're trying to get in there and steal its pearl? And it's just like, no. It's just so big's just like no no you're trying to get in there and steal its pearl and it's just like no it's just so big and just like um clam oh dude imagine a slug oh god just this mammoth slimy slug it would be like it'd be like job of the hut the trail it would leave yeah that's the only fucking way it would beat you if it fucking made you slip and break your own neck you just fall outside of that you just punch its eyes and throw salt at it yeah you know but apex predator so something that really wants to fuck you up i mean you have to be a lot if it's ant i mean but fuck dude i don't know if a lion could what about a polar polar bear is like probably the toughest.

But they're already our biggest, right? But the same size as us. Well, they're way bigger than us. But even if you brought them down, they're so violent. Yeah. If they stand up on their. Oh, if they stand on. They're like eight, nine feet tall.

I was thinking more just walking on all fours if they were six feet tall. They still fuck things up. Oh, they don't fucking care. Yeah. Oh, but could it take down a fucking big-ass ant? That's a good question. The ants have the strength, for sure, but the agility...

Oh, I mean, they're agile. And the bities. Like, if an ant could really fucking bite, not just be like, ow, like fucking pierce your skin and rip your head off do you have to fight one or do you is it all of a sudden like now it's a whole colony oh well that changes everything the world's over that's a that's the apocalypse imagine an ant pile that you see like in your driveway you know when they then they dig out and there's you drop a crumb

and there's just thousands of them and now imagine human-size, how fucked up that would be. Just hanging out at the hostess factory. Just a whole neighborhood of stacked fucking human-sized ants. I don't know. I think I have to go with, and I don't even know which one I'm going to pick, but we're just going to move on, of a predatorial insect being huge i think has a advantage over anything the same size or bigger being shrunken down to the same size uh because they just we don't we don't know what's gonna happen yeah like they're made to survive at that level and you fucking

grow them all up they're that's gonna be fucking terrifying you can like throw them off buildings and they're like, I'm fine. Yeah, they can spread their legs out and be like, eee. I love the idea of the scorpion just because that would be such a terrifying sight to come around a corner and have a human-sized scorpion

staring back at you. That is fucking terrifying. You know there'd be a whole bunch of dudes riding those fuckers everywhere. Like horses. Like little horsies. Oh, if you could put a little saddle on that and train it. To not stab your neck while you're riding it?

Yeah. But at any moment, it's just like, you know what? Fuck you. What's a higher risk? Getting stabbed while riding a human-sized scorpion or getting in a hot air balloon? Hot air balloon. I'm going with hot air balloon. Yeah, I think so.

I like that shit. Yeah, I'm there. balloon I'm there So scorpion And Ethan when he wrote in He said scorpion That's smart I think that's fine Giant snake is scary A boa that can just blow you up when it squeezes you

That's pretty fucked We haven't even mentioned Jellyfish Imagine a great white shark Or a bull shark as big as they are that's pretty fucked. We haven't even mentioned really, I mean, you mentioned jellyfish, but like I'm picturing like a, imagine like, so like a great white shark or a bull shark, as big as they are, but now make,

so shrink them down to human size and then bring up a piranha to a human size. What's, what's more vicious, a piranha, our size, or like a white, a white shark? Yeah,

I don't, I don't know. I think, I mean that mean that the i think i'd rather fight a fucking white shark than a piranha take my chances yeah maybe i don't know all right well that was fun ethan appreciate it i'm glad you shared your enchanted salads i love that it's a great you know you I, this is, this is how I, I shit before every bed every night, my kids and I talk about this kind of shit. So I remember I'm going to bring this up. If you're good tonight, we'll talk about bedtime tonight. I think, uh, I'm going to bring this up report back next week.

All right, let's move off to what are you thinking about? Okay. Hey, Hey, what's up, babe to what are you thinking about? Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit.

What are you thinking about? Okay. What are you thinking about, Joe? So, this is dipping back into the sadness, but just a little bit. And it's because it was fucking funny and he has no idea how funny it was and this just happened about two hours before recording today um and he just got me thinking about applying the same concept into different scenarios that aren't between ezra and i so ezra obviously like trying to get better with his emotions and expressing them and like that aren't between Ezra and I. So Ezra, obviously,

trying to get better with his emotions and expressing them and doesn't know what to say. Kids, in general, don't know what to say when something, like watching your dad, they lose their aunt,

your dad lost his sister, and they don't really know how to process it, no matter what. It's not just because they don't have the experience to do it. But for Ezra, a little even more challenging. So I was standing in the kitchen and I was just looking out the window,

kind of just whatever. It was pretty early this morning, and I'm just drinking water and looking out there. And Ezra walks by, and he slaps my ass. I'm wearing gym shorts. So I'm drinking water, and I'm just staring out the window kind of just being sad i'm thinking about my day and getting ready for it and he walks by and just slaps my ass and it's you know again just gym shorts no underwear anything so it had a slap he slapped my ass

and he goes sorry about your sister at a boy and i didn't laugh because there's not there's no point in doing that i turned around and said oh thanks man It's okay it's just going to be rough for a while And he goes yep And then just walks off and just goes in the living room I think he said I know And then just walked off

And just left me standing With a slapped ass In the kitchen Just a red handprint on your ass. Just fucking whack. Sorry about your sister. No, it's okay, man. Thank you so much.

And he goes, it's going to be hard for a while. And he goes, I know. And he just walks away. And I was like, he doesn't know how funny that was. No. I mean, it's not funny. But goddamn, he tried. I know that.

I'm his dad. And I appreciated it. But then I started thinking about that in other situations. Like the wrong gesture or whatever at the wrong time. Like it just doesn't work. It doesn't work. Like a fucking high five at a funeral. Like everyone's just, thank you.

No, he was a great man, blah, blah. And you walk up and you just put your hand up to like someone's fucking mom. And just holding it there waiting. You just hold it there and she puts her hand up and you fucking slap your hand up to like someone's fucking mom and just holding it there hold it there and she puts her hand up and you fucking slap that give a high five and you're like sucks your husband's dead and she's like thanks and you're like you got it and then just walk through the field like out of the cemetery and get in your car or no walk over to the it's at the like the the after thing and you walk over over to the sandwich platter.

Oh, sorry about your husband. You walk over there and be like, anybody have any other Doritos? Oh, my God. Walk over. You're at whatever. It's called the wake or whatever it is afterwards. And everyone's just doing it, and they're eating stuff. And you walk over, and you're like, oh, hey, sorry to hear the news.

And it's your friend. Say it's me and you, and I don't know. Our cousin died. And I'm like, oh, hey, sorry to hear the news. And it's your friend. Say it's me and you. And I don't know. Our cousin died. And I'm like, yeah. And I give you a handshake. And I pull you in. And I give you a little thing. And then I start counting.

I'm like, one, two, three, four. I declare a thumb war. Five, six. Oh, my God. You're so confused. And I'm fucking thumb wrestling you. And then you pin me. And then I pin you.

And I'm like, ooh, gotcha. Saw your cousin's dead. And then I fucking walk out of the house. fucking thumb wrestling you and then you pin and then i pin you and i'm like oh gotcha saw your cousin's dead and then i fucking walk out of the house how confusing that would be like it has to be the right time two losses in one week it has to be the right time for a thumb war yeah it has to be the right time for an ass slap when was the last time you even did a thumb war? Oh, not too long ago. Like, those don't come up often. No. But definitely, it's a weird place at a wake.

Yeah, anywhere. Any sort of sadness. Like, just injecting a thumb war into it. Like, you're getting pulled over. Like, police officers, like, put your hands behind my back. Like, I will if you fucking... Yeah, first, let's do this real quick. Well, let me make a deal. If you can beat me in a thumb war i'll take your breathalyzer he's like what just warn you i'm pretty good though put it out your thumb is like abnormally huge he's like fuck you agreed to this you agreed to this he's like finally one two three four

on the side of the road the lights on and dark him he's like oh damn it gets in his car and drives off it's another one and then you drive off and kill someone you drive off hammered you're like i'm so good at the worst all right but yeah a badly timed like just doesn't make any sense for an ass slap i don't know why that was just so funny to me and there's so many situations i can't think of all of them right now honestly i think I think you and I, like you said about your sister, my sister and I are the same way. We'll sit at a family gathering and we'll be kind of like eating a sandwich, eating chips or whatever. And then I'll see something and I'll look over at my sister. She goes, you saw that, right?

And I'm like, yeah, I saw it. But it was something so subtle that it was like it was the way that someone like walked off and kicked their leg or something like some little thing so i i always think of situations where you're at some sort of a a gathering and just like people they don't they don't know how to act and everyone's trying to act a certain way but no one's acting how they they nor no one's doing their normal thing right you're trying you're you become a different person to like sorry or whatever you know like you just you don't know what to do i know and there's like there's an etiquette but so you're trying to fit the etiquette standard but deep down you're like this isn't who i am

i don't know what to do What do I do with my hands I'm used to doing thumb wars But I can't do that That's all I've ever been good at Like I can't do it right now How am I going to tell I'm sorry your husband died After I kicked their ass in a thumb war How am I going to do that

So the entire time I'm like fighting The urge to do a thumb war Okay this is I don't know maybe the last one We can move on So the entire time I'm like fighting the urge to do a thumb war. Okay. This is, I don't know, maybe the last one and we can move on. But think about if Ezra walked up to me and he gets like, he puts his finger out and I just look down at him and he goes, pull my finger. And I pull his finger and he goes, sorry about your sister. And then walks off.

Funny. It is funny. It is funny. But someone like you could appreciate, it's like, it's a little cheer up thing. Pull my off. Funny. It is funny. It is funny. But someone like you could appreciate it. It's like, it's a little cheer up thing. Pull my finger. Yeah. But what about this where you walk up and you're like, you look down, you do the little.

He's like, what's this on your shirt? And I look down and he flicks your nose and he goes, sorry about your sister. And then walks off after he fucking hit you in the face. Sorry about your sister. Sorry about your sister. Pussy. Stop crying. Stop crying, baby.

Oh my God. What's on your shirt? Oh, my tears? Oh my God, you got tears on your shirt? You look down and fucking flicks your face? Like, cheer up. Sorry about your sister. And just walks off. And walks off.

Fucking nerd grow up. All right, let's move on to some dick. Let's get rolling. Okay. You got it. I love it. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it interesting?

Is it cool? Then it's dick. I saw the story and thought it was so fucking funny. He sent it to me while trying to cheer me up. Yeah, he sent you a few of them. It made me cry. I kind of just sent you some things just here and there.

Instead of like saying, hey, checking in on you. Hey, I hope you're doing well. You're just like, check this shit out. I was just sent you some things just here and there. Instead of like saying, hey, checking in on you. Hey, I hope you're doing well. You're just like, check this shit out. I was just sending you links of like just funny stories. Look at this picture. Can you pull this picture up, Zach? Jesus. Thanks.

Those are not panda bears. Oh, yeah. What? Shocked. Almost got me. A zoo in China has come under fire after the authorities painted two dogs black and white to resemble pandas. At the Tai Tzu Zoo in Jingzhou province, visitors were shocked to discover that the animals they saw in panda enclosure were chow chow dogs. One of the most popular dogs over there. I mean, better than a lab, I guess.

I was just going to say, was that a lab? It was like a German shepherd. Panda lab. The fake pandas unveiled on May 1st had their manes trimmed before they were dyed to resemble little pandas. They put the painted dogs on display between 8 and 5 p.m. regularly, and wizards flocked to see them. When tourists realized they were looking like chow-chow dogs, there was a widespread outrage with activists criticizing zoo authorities for animal cruelty and deception. Is the cruelty the painting of them? Yeah, I'm going i have a hard time with that i don't know about cruelty but it would be in a liar's fuck you yeah the cruelty

uh let's see this look at this not for one second would you think that was so obviously not a panda also why are you so mad i know shit you got to look at these cute that's probably cuter than a panda. Also, why are you so mad? I know shit. He got to look at these cute little things. That's probably cuter than a panda. I mean, that is more adorable. Yeah, not just laying. Just like, I don't know, bamboo eat. Now, the zoo has defended its decision to place painted dogs instead of pandas.

It won't eat this bamboo, but it sure does love snossages. But it will sit on your lap. It's rolling over. The fucking bear rolls over. Responding to the backlash, a spokesperson for the zoo compared the act to people dyeing their hair, stating that natural dye can be used

on dogs with long fur. Yeah, but you usually don't say it's something else. There are no panda bears at the zoo, and we wanted to do this as a result people also dye their hair natural dye can be used on dogs if they have long fur he said i love this guy trying to defend it this was not the first instance of the animal being animal being passed off as another uh as a at a chinese zoo a similar incident occurred last year at hangzhou

zoo where visitors said the human was made to wear a costume of a bear. I think I remember that. I think we may have. Maybe we may have talked about it. We may have talked about that. Like, I guess. If you didn't have anything and you're trying to fool kids. You know what i mean but also if like if you put on if you had a billboard you had an ad campaign

about like you having pandas and that was the reason that you went to the zoo i can i can see being like sure right but if you're like we just we don't have any and they did this to be kind of funny like just fucking look at it like oh my god, these fucking dogs look like pandas. And then walk off. What difference would it make whether you saw a panda or the dog? Do you leave there thinking like, wow, now I can check it off my bucket list. I saw a panda. And I guess that's what I was originally opening with was when I'm going to a zoo, I'm just going to a zoo.

I'm just walking around. It's a day. Have fun with the kids And you see some fun animals And you see some stuff and you talk about it with them And you have a good day I have never searched out a particular zoo Because they had a particular animal

The zoo just happened to be nearby So that's my experience with zoos But if you are a person that's like I need to go see these fucking pandas So if you went to SeaWorld and they were out of dolphins you'd be like that's fine well i guess buddy but sometimes i mean what if they painted a dolphin like a orca well i probably wouldn't even know like that's a fucking time well they probably say that's blackface and then that was racist but uh the the i i just wouldn't. Like exhibits are closed all the time.

You go there. Oh my God, let's go check out. And this actually happened. The last zoo I went to over in Seattle, I was like, fuck yeah, dude,

all the signs had penguins. Like, let's go check out the penguins. We got over there. It was fucking close. And I didn't be like one star. Fuck. I didn't fucking tell me the penguins were closed.

Could you imagine going to a zoo to see? I walked off to the next thing. Imagine buying your ticket to a zoo and then walking through the whole zoo just to the panda enclosure, just to see the pandas. No. That's the people that should be upset.

They spent $100 to get into the zoo to walk back and see a panda that wasn't a panda. All the other shit is there. And if it was that big of a deal, give the money back. I get what they were doing. cruelty no no way i mean a zoo in general maybe oh a zoo in general yes the the die on the on the dog is not animal cruelty stop paying money to go to a zoo right because the whole thing is a fucking disaster if you really think about it yeah but if you're like oh my god this is animal. Then you walk over to watch a chimpanzee in a glass booth.

Mm-hmm. Or a woman riding an orca. Yeah. And the orca's trapped inside of a fucking dark pool of water. His dorsal fins flipped over because there's not enough water to keep it upright. He needs friends. And you're like, you fucking, you died the dog. Yeah.

But you were able to put the blinders on for all the other parts of the zoo? That's usually what people do though, right? They put the blinders on. But they shouldn't. This reminds me of that fucking Willy Wonka thing. That expectation versus reality type of thing. Yeah. Where you're like, oh, we got to go see these pandas.

God, that was funny. Such a funny fucking situation for that guy. Sorry it all fell apart. And that one guy and the other dude that had nothing to do with anything was scaring children with a mirror wearing a mask. And he had nothing to do with the entire movie or book.

He just had a mask and a mirror and he's like, oh God. We gotta start scaring people. You think you can scare kids after we give them their one cup of lemonade all right let's move on to our next story and this one is this is one of my favorites of all time and it's going around it's super value or viral right now but god damn it dude so good so there's different articles i tried to find an article that maybe you haven't heard about you probably are like like, oh, you caught a headline. But let me tell you a little bit more about this.

So OnlyFansModel, who flashed Dublin from New York live portal, explains why she did it. Weird. Have you seen this one? No. So here's the setup. So while there have been plenty of wholesome transatlantic interactions thanks to the live stream portal set up between Dublin and New York, some people have rather spoiled things. The installation, which provides a two-way live stream between the two cities, was temporarily closed recently after, quote, inappropriate behavior. That's after people ended up flashing each other through the portal and showing pictures of the 9-11 tourist attack.

I saw, I did see that. A guy held up a video of the smoking buildings. Have you met people? I was going to say, what do you expect as far as the titties and the wieners? Also, this is the experience. Like, what the fuck do you think is going to happen? So the live stream portal between Dublin and New York has been a bit of a controversy. It shouldn't be.

The Portland and Dublin is on the corner of North Earl Street and O'Connell Street. Oh yeah, that's right. While New York, it's located between Broadway and Fifth Avenue on 23rd Street. Social media has shown several instances where people have exposed themselves to the other side, displaying

swear words and shown pictures of terrorist attacks. Why do you have to say the same thing twice article? Every time. In Ireland. Swear word? How old are we? Swear word? Oh my god! Tit! In Ireland, one woman was escorted away by police for grinding against the portal.

And it's not exactly the picture of the United World. The Lithuanian artist Gina Dykis has been hoping for when he came up with the idea that should be exactly what you expected that's on him he said that portals is meant to allow people to meet outside of their social circles and cultures and while lots of people have indeed been doing that Some others have been sharing rather more of themselves than is decent. So anyway, one of those was the New York side.

It was an OnlyFans model, lifted up her top, flashed the portal back on Sunday, claiming that her stunt forced organizers to shut down the place and tighten up security. She later went on to explain why she decided to flash the portal. And while one might be assuming that the reason would be the attention and publicity such a stunt would bring she said i thought the people in dublin deserve to see two new york home-grown potatoes yeah it's also weird that she claims to be the one that shut it down okay so this portal in dublin it's it's the the portal is going to move around but it's my understanding that the one in Dublin is going to remain because he's from there, and it's going to go to

different cities around the world so that you can stand in front of it and interact with people. And it's going to Vegas next. Oh, God. But, like... Dude, someone's going to kill some... They're going to slit somebody's throat right on... I don't know. Better ways to do it. Better ways to do

that is to go through the effort of dragging someone all the way to the portal. No, i don't know just better ways to do it better ways to do that if it go through the effort of dragging someone all the way to the portal no you don't drag no you do it you're like hey let's go check this thing out and they don't know in the neck yeah yeah well i have fun in jail i do i that's such a cool concept though the way that instead of being on like a big screen like a square or rectangle screen or something making it it look like a portal, it's a cool fucking idea. Yeah, but it's also fine in this setting too. Like, if

the OnlyFans model was flashing her tits and there's a family on the other side, okay, it's like, that's also on her, that's a problem. But if there's just a bunch of grown-ups on the other side and then someone other side fucking flashes their titties you think anybody cared no no it's fucking

funny they like the human like human that is like programmed into humans yeah of like something happens and you're on the screen you're like and you like rub your dick or squeeze your boobs or like show your butt like kids even do that having no idea like yeah they get that goofing around and they shake their butt into the camera it's like it's just programmed into us because it's these these parts that are funny yeah these private parts that's like doing something like that you shouldn't see no one should see these so it's gonna happen but you can't let some shit like that shut it down like it's the you're experiencing the exact thing and what you're experiencing is everybody's fucking crazy.

Everybody's got boobs and tits and a dick and they're going to show it to people because that's the world we are. So to be like, that is not the experience. It's like, this is exactly what we didn't see this coming. Just because we're showing each other that we're the same in a way that you don't think is appropriate. Doesn't mean we're literally showing that we're all the same. Oh yeah.

Which side said no, said that was inappropriate. was it both sides or like i think so it was probably here it seems like we're a little more censored than we're in dublin we're such prudes here so we're just grinding on it god that's so funny you fucking like it yeah you like that hey why don't you go come on the go come on She's like, oh, you should go come on the portal. You should head down to fucking Broadway on 24th and come on Dublin. Of course, the one in Dublin is on O'Connell Street.

There's something more Irish than that. I love the idea. I love it. It's funny because I read this and I had this idea and this was a really long time ago, but it wasn't in a video form because this is probably, man, if I had to guess, I'd say 15, 20 years ago. Because I was thinking how funny it would be to have a speaker at a park, right? And you could pick it up kind of like recording a voice message or whatever.

And you'd have these in different parts of the world. And obviously the reason I was like, that's terrible, is exactly what happened. Because you don't know who's picking up the phone, and you don't know what they're about to hear. And you can't control that in public, right? But how funny it would be where you could pick it up, and you'd leave a message for

fucking Rome. Press 3, and you push it, and it's like, beep. And you're like, what's going on? And then hang up. And then the phone's like, beep, beep. Someone picks it up. And then someone picks it up.

It's like, what's going on? And then that's it. But it just connects the world with an audio thing. You can just send messages or say a message. You can have a positive message message to pick it up. Hey, keep going. And you have those and you have other people be like,

I'm going to fucking fuck it. Do you have a birdhouse? I can fuck. And you send it to fucking Italy. And you're just like, but I thought about charging money and then you take the money and you, you donate it. So yeah,

you can raise a ton of money for different organizations because you pay 25 cents to send a fucking message to italy what's the first thing you do like when you got when you went like the macintoshes the old man when you were figured out you could type something in and it would repeat it in a robot voice oh the first thing you did naughty words yeah and haha yeah of course it's so funny to read it i have it's like check this out like that obvious anybody that didn't think that something like this was going to happen is just penis naive oh yeah you know like we're all and especially now with social media and so many they're just exhibitionists where you'll do anything to have a video go viral like if you didn't think that that was going to happen you're you're blind yeah it's like of course that was gonna happen i think exactly what should be happening is happening don't fucking shut it down let's go yeah let it

roll this is the human experience we're trying to hide everything and now that but now that we know that the people that go to check out that uh portal should know that something weird could happen so just like getting on the internet yeah shit gets weird in there maybe don't you know if you're gonna take your kids maybe look at it see things then now look at it you know it's just like kids use discretion yeah you show up and you wave or like show a picture you made and there's plenty of that but there's gonna be a fucking dick or two or some titties yeah and that's fine that's fine if i can grow up nerd slap your ass don't pretend like you're not looking at that shit on the internet you know i mean like you're looking at it too you freak surprised they put it let them put it in the first place in this climate agreed uh that's why

other cool other countries are so much cooler than us i know when it comes to sex we're such prudes here i know we try to hide everything shame all right let's take a look at petty beef okay zach silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Boo-oo-oo-oo. All right. Hello.

Our Petty Beef this week was sent in by one of our chitlins. It goes by was it Tefferg? I don't know. Tefferg? Sorry if we butchered that. Yeah, there was no name attached to it we're just going off whatever was sent in the email no this is what they write okay my daughter is the first grandchild my wife's side of the family she's been spoiled a lot and very loved and taken care of

especially by grandma and grandpa i love how to spell it took out the d for grand so it's grandpa my my in-law is doing lots of stuff with her ever since she was born now my daughter is eight and they keep offering to take her places with them such as camping trips or out to the store since we currently live in their basement while i'm trying to get a degree here's the wrinkle my grandparents get it i get it they're wrinkled they're old wrinkly okay dude that was sick yeah um here's the wrinkle they never offer to do these same things with our three-year-old son they will watch him at home taking places if mom comes with but they never offer to take him places just

them and him or anything like they did when my daughter was his age my wife and i have to make uh had to make the rule of no you can't take my daughter was his age. My wife and I have to make, uh, had to make the rule of, no, you can't take my daughter somewhere unless you take our son too, or do something similar with just him. But my in-laws are always upset when we bring this up and when they do offer to do something nice with our daughter, despite them knowing how we feel about this, usually making an excuse of he's just so much harder to handle and watch please let us know if we're in the wrong side of this petty beef that's a fucking tough one because your son might be a fucking nightmare yeah maybe he's a little dick your grandparents are basically like

we don't like him very much yeah no we'll just take the like we have the energy for the one that listens we're not we're too old for this shit here's it could be as simple as this maybe it's not but the first child always gets so much love it's the first when you're oh my god my my daughter's pregnant my son you know like they're gonna have a baby everyone's so excited this first baby it's just like the classic joke like that's how first child is when it's born it gets all the love gets everything then the second one a little less because you know if you have three or four then by the last one but if you're the middle child like me the third one gets the fucking gets babied again right and you're left in the middle yeah like nothing but i mean that's

marcia marcia that's standard middle child shit, right? Yeah, it is. And look how I turned out. I mean, I think as a parent, we even kind of do that with our own kids in a different way. Like you just, like my son, Perrin, you know, we like, I think we have things we're getting closer into now. But my oldest, well, like we had things that we connected to right away. closer into now but my my oldest well like we had things that we connected to right away yeah well you yeah you invest it all in yeah yeah so like it's i think that's natural um to do that now if you're a grandparent like in maybe what joe said is like maybe your son's a dick and he was like we just can't handle this that early age

too like so factoring in the firstborn they get all the love and then now that firstborn is reaching like an age where it's really it's fun for them and it can rationalize yeah yeah it's fun like they have their shit together you can talk to them they have they're starting to get their personalities and then a three-year-old's a fucking piece of shit yeah they're every three-year-old sucks like i don't care who it is they're fucking terrible people yeah they're every three-year-old sucks like i don't care who it is they're fucking terrible people yeah they're awful like terrible twos what are you talking about fuck three how did that come three's are way worse two two sucks but three is a terrible fucking nightmare

just little shits because they're becoming self-aware oh yeah they know they know that they can control your entire existence yeah with with anything at two years old apparently kids just copy and they play independently and then at three is when they like you just said they become completely aware that they're of the power they have yeah yeah yeah it's like a woman who's got a nice set of tits you know i mean like they're aware they're aware of the power they have they're like no you will do the dishes i will do two dishes i have the vagina i will do them tonight and tomorrow yeah one for each of your tits because i love power i but no three is fucking terrible and your kid might suck and your parents might and your grand your in-laws might be tired and they're trying to

do something they're trying to help but i will're trying to help. But I will say this. You have two kids. I have two children. It's a fucking vacation when you only have to take one to the store. Like, you feel like you're like, oh, my God. I can finally breathe. And while you're doing that, one kid's still throwing fucking pizza bagels down the aisle, but at least the other one's not fucking stealing a toaster.

Like you, or it is not picking the pizza bagels up and put them in a toaster. Like you are on a mini vacation when you only have one little shit with you. Yeah. So in a way, no matter if they're not taking your son out, they're also only leaving you with one kid, which is pretty cool.

And I don't think that like, I mean, it's your son's not going to remember and be like, like 20 years from now, all of his trauma is not going to come from his grandparents. Not taking them. Like you're still with them. Like you don't have to be completely kid free.

I think they're taking a little vacation they're taking it's almost like they're taking the the kids aren't the kids they won't know they won't care yeah they're the parents are the ones that are taking offense thinking while you're choosing favorites or whatever yeah so i mean i i also i also get that um but one kid is also more fun to probably take somewhere yeah i mean it's easier and they they have that maybe they don't have that connection with the sun so they don't have that eagerness to take them and but it's like we have i think it's just too much exactly exactly it just becomes too much for them and so they're like well at least we're doing something like at least we're

involved in some way but the rule of saying unless you go take him to do something similar by himself, or you take both of them right now, makes it feel like they feel that the kid is, he knows that he's not being, he doesn't fucking know. He has no idea. So if you're by yourself with them, then your daughter gets taken. Then you go do something really fun with your son. I want to, I'm trying to read this back. Is she, or whoever this is, if it's he or her.

I don't know. Are they? It says my wife and I have to make a rule. So I think, I mean, but I don't know. So are they, are they, fuck, what was I going to say? Is it the in-law is, fuck. It's his in-law. So it must be his wife's parents.

Okay. The in-law is... Fuck. It's his in-law, so it must be his wife's parents. Okay, what I'm trying to spit out here is, like, maybe the person is kind of has... Is annoyed with their in-laws anyway. Is that factoring into it? Or both him and her both thinking... They both agree, like... I think they had to make that rule together, so... So even maybe the son or whoever's parents it is, maybe that person needs to say, hey, man, what's going on? Well, they have.

And they say like, oh, no, we're just offering to do something with our daughter. Like, well, we're just trying to do anything. So they were like, well, you have to take both of them. I think you have to count your blessings. Yeah. I realize just you, if you get left for a little bit with just one kid, you are getting a tiny vacation. Your parents are helping. They're trying to make memories with at least somebody.

And I don't think it's about it. I just think three, the age of three fucking sucks. And if I could, if I didn't have any kids, but my brother had kids and I showed up and I, they, and the kids lined up and I had and I had a fun day planned

and I could take the 9 year old the 6 year old and the 3 year old I would take the 9 and 6 year old every time and I'd be like I still love you but fuck no you are going to ruin all of our days if you come

it could be that simple we're trying to have fun. You are a loose cannon. And they had kids already. It's like, okay, we don't want to do this again. We're going to take one that we can have a conversation with. Yeah. Hear their funny things and laugh about them.

Hear about their memories and not just have fucking Cheerios thrown at us from the backseat. Because when it's a nine- old It's your grandkid When it's a three year old, you're parenting again Yeah, you just got trapped Think about that To this person writing the email When they take your three year old They're parenting your three year old

Now, it's not your grand It's not their grandson anymore This is a three year old child that they have to parent. As opposed to their nine-year-old granddaughter, right? Yeah. And I don't think... Try not to take offense to it. I understand how you're feeling this way.

But I think really look at it that you're getting stuck with the three-year-old and being stuck with the three-year-old sucks. Yeah. I think that's what it is. It's that simple. It's that that's what it is simple it's that simple and when they get older and they're fun i bet your grandparents will their in-laws will take them to more places because right now they just will ruin the whole day well think about this so when the daughter okay when this when the little boy he's three when he's eight and five years that

puts the the granddaughter at 13 she going to be off doing other shit. Or she can babysit. She's going to be free, but she's going to be a teenager. So she's probably not going to be doing stuff with her grandparents. So the eight year old boy is going to have, he's going to be off with grandma and grandpa. I was pretty,

we're going to be way more sore because it's many years later, right? Yeah. We don't have that energy. If I had to pick between a 13 year old,old and a three-year-old, fuck. Yeah, there you go. Think about it like that. I'm thinking about it right now.

Both of them are hell. They are both there. Fuck me. So that eight-year-old's a sweet spot. That's what I'm saying. It's a fun stretch. Yeah. And then it's hell.

So we could be wrong, but if I was you, that's how I would think about it. Yeah. Maybe that'll put you at ease thinking that that's what's going on. I agree. So I think that's how we're going to answer it. I love it. All right, Zach, good news. Roll it.

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! What was that? I don't know. I thought that was you. It was.

So you remember that movie came out, Tag? Yeah. and it was actually based out of some spokane friends yeah which i'm not sure if you've seen it but it's about these friends that had a lifelong game of tag and they'd fly around and go everywhere just to fucking tag their friend and i believe all of them like they didn't they all grow up in spokane i'm pretty sure they were just like lifelong Spokane-ians. Spokane-ites. Spokane-ites. But this reminded me of that because it's just such a funny concept and it feels good. But here's the headline. It says,

Our small outback town, my friends and I square off in a month-long game of tag. I mean, why not? Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. Why not? Have some fun. So for a couple of years, a group of friends in my hometown of Long Reach have been playing an annual month-long game of tag. The rules are simple.

You can't get the butcher back. No tag backs. Meaning you can't, yeah, we know. And you can't tag your spouse or partner. What a funny thing that would be. You'd lay in bed, just fucking slapping each other. You're it. You're it.

You're it. You're it. I came. Slapping ass. I be. You're laying in bed just fucking slapping each other. You're it. You're it. You're it. You're it. I came. Slapping ass. I came. You're it. There's a group chat where tags are posted sometimes in the video so everyone knows who is it. The person who is it on the last day of the month at 11.59 p.m. loses the game.

Other than that, the open slather and sometimes things get a little out of hand. Some of the more epic tags include a player being tagged while waiting in emergency with a bad back. He was tagged lightly and took it in good humor. Imagine like, oh my God. Okay, sorry. My brain works. This is the way it goes. You do come over. You hear about my sister works. This is the way it goes. You do come over.

You hear about my sister passing. You show up and you hand me some flowers to ask me how I'm doing. I'm like, alright, I better get going. And you just fucking tag me and run to your car. I'm just standing there with flowers knowing that I'm fucking it. You're not going to go out

looking for someone to get you. And now I have to? I'm crying, gonna go out looking for someone to get now i have to yeah i'm crying wandering the supermarket looking for someone to tag just fucking piece of shit well picture like uh ezra doing ezra's way too yeah we're like oh here's your thing then they slap you on the ass and say you're it and then leave yeah they tag you and then all you hear is like it's like sorry about your sister is there like just running away sorry sister that sucks they fucking peel out of your driveway love you love you long time fuck all right no tag backs a family whose electricity was turned off at the switch switch box so the tagger could sneak into the house under the cover

of darkness oh that's great what What if you got shot, though? I know. Well, it must be clearly not in America. Yeah, well, the way they spelled humor, you can tell. Yeah. A prospective target running out of a restaurant mid-meal, never to return. And someone hiding in a friend's insuit for hours until they returned home from work. Also, you'd get shot.

So, good chance. But anyway, I just thought that was a feel-good thing. I love that. There's no rules. Imagine walking around, you're picking up some fucking eggs, and you hear fucking... And then...

Yeah, just... And just... Just bend down aisle 13 and you're just like the elaborate shit you're like dressed up as a fucking wolf or something out in the woods and you can creep it up as a wolf and tag and lay down in a ghillie suit next to a driveway like that's just but i mean there's no reason to not have that kind of fun so fucking do it uh some of some of the guys that i befriended at kxoy uh we've just you know been friends for years and we used to do this thing where we'd be sitting somewhere we'd be at let's say it's a restaurant we used to go to sherry's all the time and someone would say it

you know when someone says a joke and you're just like oh fuck you get up and you're like you you get up and you walk off like oh fuck like you turn back around you come sit back down like that was pretty good but what we used to do was like you get up and walk and you first you get sometimes you get in your car you back haha and then you come back it got to the point to where we were at Sherry's one night, and we said something. One of the guys got up. He's like, oh, fuck. He gets up, walks out.

We could see him walking through the parking lot, gets through his car, and gets in it and just drives home. And it was like no one was upset. We even picked up his bill because it was like he took the joke and finished the joke. He didn't be like, oh, I'm leaving. And then be like, ah. He got in his car. His meal wasn't even done.

And he drove home. Oh, man. And then we just texted him. We got your bill. And he's like, I'll be right back. We're like, no, stay home. I'm on my way. I love that shit though.

That's so good. And when just like taking it as far as it can go. Love it. I haven't thought about this in fucking forever. And I'm glad that you said something. I was at like a friend of mine, like a really good friend at the time was getting married and I like marriage. And then we went to the reception and it was just me. Cause I think Pepper was small and I just went, right. It just didn't

work out. So I ended up going to the reception by myself and I'm sitting at the table and I think I only knew three people and it was the groom. And then a couple of his friends that were my friends too. And everyone else, I didn't know fucking who they were, but there are a couple of different tables. So everyone at the table was like my own age and we're laughing and stuff. And I forget what I, I said something before that, that was like kind of awkward. And I,

I was done with my meal, but I also had to go. I was just like trying to find a way out. And I sat there and I was kind of looking around and I took my napkin off my lap and I put on my plate and I was like, well, fuck you guys. And then just push my chair out and sho was kind of looking around. I took my napkin off my lap and I put it on my plate. I was like, well, fuck you guys. And then just pushed my chair out and shoved it in and walked.

But like, luckily, I heard them all laughing so hard. And you didn't know these people, right? No, I knew maybe four of them. And I said, yeah, fuck you guys. It had nothing to do with anything. I just threw my napkin on my plate and pushed my chair in. And I didn't smile and just walked out and they were all laughing like the people that knew me texted me and uh i haven't seen some of them since so i literally just stood up and said fuck you guys and then

just left i haven't seen them since they're still telling that story i don't know what it was who's that guy that just i wish i could remember i said something that set up the perfect moment to be like, ah, well, fuck you guys. Whatever it was that I said, I can't remember. But I remember that and just stood up. And the chair did the thing. Yeah. And then just didn't smile and pushed my chair and then left.

That's amazing. And those people have never seen me again. They can only see me now. Yeah. Only see me now. only see me now talking about fucking birdhouses they'd be shocked i i just i love that kind of shit yeah where you're just like because it leaves people with a story or they're just like yeah who the fuck like imagine just showing up to somewhere where you don't know anybody you sit down you eat a meal and then you

leave them with something and they're like anybody know know that guy? Who the fuck was that? And they're like, no. Who was he? They're gonna be at like, it's a party years down the road. Remember that guy that sat at the table? How fucking weird was that? You gave them that gift. Alright, let's take a look at our

fun object that we found online. Let's roll it. Zachy! The internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome okay so aside from what this gift is this is i, one of the things I love most about Amazon is the title of the product. Always a favorite. Okay, so with this, this is a Shart Survival Kit.

So this is right up my alley. We're number one in the number two business. It's called the Shart Survival Kit for when it hits the fan. And then the title of the product is Funny Shart Survival Kit by Witty Yeti. Ultimate poop prank gag gift set contains wet wipes, disposable underwear, tissues, and a hilarious badge. Novelty fart potty pack great for friends or family. That's the title of the product. Can you imagine that on a book?

Like they don't even, it's not even like a. Volume two. Yeah, it's not even a thing. It's just like, we're going to write the synopsis in the title. I mean, obviously funny. Yeah. I mean, who hasn't? We've talked about, people have written in about how they travel with extra pairs of like pants and a backpack with underwear and stuff because this just kind of happens to

them a bunch. But with you and your stinky penguin. Yep. I mean, imagine like if I had this in my suitcase, how much better off I would have been. And just how much more comfortable. Yeah. Like knowing that you had a shart survival kit. Look at the cover.

This guy's like, oh, fuck. And the woman's like, oh my God, are you okay? Did you shart your pants again? He's like at the look at the cover this guy's like oh fuck and the woman's like oh my god are you did you shart your pants again he's like oh he's like did i did i ever do not flush wet wipes it says yeah no i just put them right back in your shart survival kit i was looking at the one star reviews on this and this shit fucking kills me yeah who who's buying this looking for complaining about looking for a deal? And then complaining about it? Right? So every single one-star review is about it being too expensive. Like, this is Adam Coley's. It says $48

for a very tiny object. The picture makes it look like it's the size of a first-aid kit. We'll find this in Spencer's soon for $9.99. What? And still we'll buy it. It's like, do you not understand? Okay. This is Amazon customer. One star review. Shart. Thought this would be

a fun gag gift. Expensive as it was, it's really small. Not worth the price. It's a fucking shart gag gift. It's the idea of what it is. Yes! He's like, oh my god, fucking 48 bucks, the underwear were tiny. It's like, yeah, because you're not, don't fucking actually use it.

It's supposed to be a gag gift when you open in a group of people and everyone laughs. Like you're packing a suitcase and you're like, you're trying to squish it together. And you're like, I can't leave behind my fucking shirt case, my emergency shirt bag. It's like, no, just put other underwear and some wipes in there. Obviously, it's a fucking joke. Then don't buy it. Joe Capali says, way too expensive for product. What the fuck are you guys doing here?

And then D writes, I love toilet humor as much as the next guy. I didn't write that. And I would definitely buy this if it didn't cost $50. There's nothing in this kit that would cost a great deal of money to manufacture. So, with that being said, I am extremely confident if they sold this item for $10, they'd still make a profit. And they would sell

thousands or more kits. And make a great deal of money. I already said that. Kind of short-sighted by the seller, in my opinion. Drop the price and you'll see lots more of these. Dude, you're paying for that tin. So here's what's also funny about that is people

assuming they know how the business is doing. You probably sell a lot more of these. Maybe they sold fucking 20 million. You don't know. Also, you think they fucking care? Yeah. Like this guy's in the shark business? They fucking emergency shark kit biz?

No. Having a custom tin made is quite expensive. Sure. Especially if you don't get a fuckload of them. Mm-hmm. But also, just don't fucking buy it. Bought it, showed up, sucked tiny. Yeah.

It's like you also spend 50 bucks on a shark emergency kit. Yeah. You can make your own too, you know that, right? Like just grab some underwear and some wipes and then put them in a thing and put shark emergency kit. Yeah. You can make your own too. You know that, right? Like just grab some underwear and some wipes and then put them in a thing and put shart emergency kit on it. Cause your friends like shart their pants once. Yeah. There's that.

Just fuck off. There's a, there's a company that does those fake boxes. Yeah. We talked about that. And it's like, you're buying, you're buying the box. You're not buying, there's no gift inside. It's a, it's a parody. It's a spoof.

That's what this is, relax One that always sticks in my head about those fake boxes Are the Tying in the petty beef that we just talked about Was the toddler leg handcuffs You see those? Where they're weighted sandbags that you can put on your kid You fill them with sand so they can't move

Of course it's not real Fucking calm down You fill them with sand so they can't move? Of course it's not real. Fucking calm down. All right, let's hear from some of our kids. You ready? Yeah. Okay, let's roll it! All right, let's hear what you guys think.

Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Wow. So this first email is coming in from our perv son, Darren, who writes, Hey, stepdaddies and Uncle Zach. So story time. When I was about nine years old, my mom got remarried to an old boyfriend she had.

I don't know why I'm reading it like that. When she was in high school. And he recently moved back from Colorado to live with his family. Well, he moved in with us and brought his big-ass, massive VHS collection, most of which was tapeovers. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Kidding me?

You don't have the money for that? Well, one day during summer break, I stayed up late to watch some movies, and while searching through his collection, I found a blank with a sticker on it and a name in cursive on which I thought it said South Park. Nope. It said South Pork. I sat through an entire porno thinking an episode or two of South Park was coming next.

I wasn't new to pornography because my cousin had a Playboy collection. Best kind of cousins. We would sit in his treehouse and look at it like prepubescent pervs but that was my first experience with video porn

anyway thanks for the laughs actual penetration can I oh what a time I was like this can't be real can I get a sexy honk you can say no

do you remember okay memory from the first porn I have a whole story about my first porn video porn experience but i'm not gonna share right now because it's too good but do you remember that first one yeah i think i think so i mean mine uh the first scene that will be burned in my brain forever i mean fucking 80s bush and it was like a newscaster situation and the guy and girl were fucking on the newscaster desk and again like just like i don't even know how they framed the bush up like her bush was so big

it looked like he had chest hair like he was he was a gardener like he was trimming if he needed hedges like it was fucking massive and he had banaca remember the yeah and he went and sprayed his mouth and then sprayed hers and then sprayed her pussy and then ate it and i had so many fresh i had so many questions about it man like my brother you know we're watching this porn together and i asked about like why he like why he came on her stomach. And he said that would make it so her skin could stretch when she got pregnant. And he was dead serious. How old were you guys at this time?

Pretty young. Nine, eight. So he was in his teens. But he dead seriously told me that you come on her stomach so it makes sure her skin can stretch when she's pregnant. Yeah, the stretch marks. Not about getting pregnant.'s pregnant. Yeah, it's a stretch marks. It's not about getting pregnant. It was like a fucking lubricant for stretch marks. It was cocoa butter.

And he was dead face. He thought that was what was happening. And I was like, that makes sense. My brother can't be wrong. What do you want on my stomach so I don't get stretch marks? So I get stretch marks when I fucking have a baby. And he's like, he comes on it like, shh, shh, binaca. Yeah, that's some forethought. You're like, I'm going fucking have a baby and he's like he comes on and they banaka yeah that's some forethought you're like i'm gonna have a baby like 10 years i want this shit to be tight dude come all over this but he said it was such a straight face and

it's my brother yeah of course he knows everything he knows the world he's got it all figured out and i was like okay he probably went around and told other people that. Yeah. Cool. Idiot. That's why I don't trust him anymore. So what was your scene? The first one that I remember, I was over at a friend's house, and I think the movie was Curse of the Catwoman. And it was, she was, this dude was having like flashes, and she'd kind of turn into a cat. And then. Spooky. spooky yeah there was a few different a few different scenes but it was it was that weird like late 80s early 90s where like

they would just be in a bar and they're like it was like a dance club and they just start fucking on the couch and then everyone's like standing around watching so they'd be going at it and then they would just cut to people like just watching them get it earl yeah yeah and then it's and then she like there had to be a plot till they realized no one's here for that yeah no and then then all of a sudden these like 10 dudes carry this chick out and set her down and she's naked and they're all just standing around a circle just jerking off and then she's like she's damn taking her clothes off and they're all just jizzing all over her and then they carry her back out that's fun yeah that's what dude right out the gate with the bukkake yeah man i

feel that was one of the first ones harry bush and bukkake or bukkake with uh i can't even think of the name of the fucking spray anymore. Banaka. Banaka. Banaka. Sounds like Bukkake. After saying Bukkake, I was like, what? Okay. Zach, what was yours?

When I was like 17 or 16 and a half, something like that, I would sneak into this sex shop that sold videotapes and I had to work up my confidence and I was like, grow out my little pre-prevescent beard. Grab my little prevescent penis yeah no your stick on beard dude i remember just trying to like trick the guy that worked there and he didn't give a fuck he was like i'm happy to sell you this little trick and it was like 80 dollars and i was had never seen like boobs really so i was like it's worth it god and uh yeah and the scene was actually ron jeremy dressed as like a monster with a bunch of people

dressed in these stupid stupid masks make porn fun again and he was funny in it like he'd just be having sex and then he turned to the camera and like smile with a stupid mask on and wave yeah good old days so much pipe right now great the heydays of porn real dirty real quick this isn't porn but but when was the... How old were you when you first saw your... like someone naked, like a real live pair of boobs? Not on TV, but like in real life.

Was it in a sexual... or was it just like you just saw some boobs? I mean, your mom's doesn't count. Yeah. Let's not count family members. I think I saw some boobs at a concert. My first... At a Bush concert, actually.

I think I... Nice. Oh, yeah! I think I squeezed boobs before I saw boobs. Mm. Yeah. I think. I don't fucking...

No, I... Oh, man, I wish I had a fucking tally running of boobs I've seen out in the wild. But I don't remember the first time. I'm sure it was some fucking party, maybe. I think my first one was, I think I was 17 or 18. And it wasn't. So we were out at the sand dunes in Mose Lake. And there were just, that was a big party area.

Like people just come from all over the state and just booze. Did it have a good view of the fountain? No, it's on the other end. It's a total waste of time. Yeah. So there were these girls that were there. And for whatever reason, the people we were with had, we were in high school, I think, we had beads and they pull out the beebs and bees

bees? Bees! I was like, what kind of farm were we on? But there was these girls that were like, I don't know, they were probably 17 or 18 I think I was 17 or 18, and they just lift up their boobs and were showing boobs and I remember being like, those are real boobs. Not like some old lady. Those are live action. It was being like those are those are real boobs not like some old lady it was like live action it was like those are nice perky real boobs and i just remember that feeling whoa i cannot believe this is happening but it wasn't in a sexual thing it was like uh like i wasn't it was we're just looking at it like a you know work of art yeah god damn was it a work of art oh it was yeah what a moment and then you have

people that are like oh yeah i first time i had sex was like 14 or 15 i'm like i can't even imagine driving ditch looking boob yeah i can't even imagine doing i was still you you were still you were still fucking collecting comic books and i was fucking titty fucking chicks yeah i wouldn't even click um i was on playboys that wasn't the focus of the joke yeah you're like no there's no way i was doing that i didn't do that till i was 36 no i didn't collect comics so that's wrong my my first thing it was like i remember like my mom had like a cosmo magazine you'd flip to the back and have like a sex toy like when i was 13 that was good enough but then it was like, I remember my mom had a Cosmo magazine. You'd flip to the back and it'd have a sex toy.

When I was 13, that was good enough. But then it was like Monday night, the Raw magazine with Sable and Sonny. That's where that real shit got good. Yeah, and they weren't even naked. But it didn't matter then. I was 14. Nothing matters at that point. When I was 14, I'm just like, I'm just happy to see someone in a bikini while there's people out there laying pipe.

I'm just happy to be here. I remember the Sears catalog days. Oh, yeah, yeah. All right, Brian, you want to read this next one? Sure. Then after we wrap this up, we'll head off to the bonus shit. All right. Second email is coming from our sleep-talking son, Michael.

He writes, I talk in my sleep a lot to the point my wife takes notes on some of the funnier ones. So I'll share with you boys. Oh, I can't wait. Thing on thing on thing. Thing on thing on thing. And how she's so awake. Yeah. To be like.

She's reading her book. Oh, yeah. She's got the nighties on. She's like, listen, I'm fine. You say whatever you want. Just quit shoving my fucking book light up your asshole. Okay, I don't feel safe. Then a shit ton of gibberish. Jason, the pelts don't do.

She doesn't like it. What is the chance to fall on face? Because Judy is falling face. Noted. Serving. Is it serving or surviving? I don't know. Serving us off the road there.

I thought you were getting undressed and I was wondering what you were going to wear, but then I realized it was your face. Easy fucking Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Unorganized robot with no goal yelled that one fucking science fair i can see a bunch of fucking nerds dweebs fucking nerds don't even know how to organize a robot uh uh i can i can see lasers right but i can't... Right, you're just jealous because I can see your imaginary lines.

Dot, dot, dot. Dude, sleep talking is so good. Is that the password, password, password for the waterfall? I don't know. Maybe. Rolls over and gets up. I'm going to the bathroom. No more time trials. Is that enough?

Why do you look like a standing box Feeding fish behind a blanket blanket Blanket blanket Feel free to share on the show Your card loving son Michael Brzozowski The scat card king Scat cards fuck me dude i i i'm sorry if i've shared this i you know i i obviously feel like i say that a lot

but this is like a a really great story in my childhood i'm gonna rip through it here but i was at a birthday party and it was my really good friend's birthday and it was a slumber party and uh a lot of people had fallen asleep and then there's a few of us staying up we were playing nba jam on the super nintendo he's on fire baseline wiener heating up yeah sounds like spank my wiener but it's baseline wiener spank my wiener yeah and so we were playing that and our friend whose birthday it was we're standing there and we're fucking playing and then he just gets up off the couch behind us and then just walks right through our fucking controllers. Right.

And he just fucking like just ripped like. And they recorded it at that time. Right. Yeah. So he's getting tangled up. We're like, what the fuck? Like drop him. And he just like walks through him like nothing happened.

And we're just looking at him. And he walks from the living room and he walks into the kitchen and he opens the refrigerator. And he just gets out a jar of pickles. And then he opens the jar of pickles, puts it on the floor, closes the refrigerator, and then walks back to bed. Left it on the floor? Just took it out, opened it, put it on the floor, and then closed the refrigerator and turned around and walked right back to bed. That's for the animals, dude. No more time trials! We all just watched it happen.

And we're just like, what the fuck? And he's got back in bed and we're laughing. He still doesn't want to wake his parents up. They're fucking baseline leader. He's like, we're back to our game. And he's moved on. But I will never forget him just taking pickles out of the fucking fridge. And nothing.

And I found out later he kind of does that sometimes. That's like that scene in the stepbrothers when they do that and then the next morning they're like the pillows in the yeah what did he take out of the refrigerator in that movie because that's what kind of refreshed that uh there's like putting like pillows in the fucking fridge or whatever it was in the oven yeah and then they're like throwing powder i forget what they're doing but but i had a real life friend that did that he used to take shit out of the fridge and put on the floor and go back to bed. So funny.

Good for him. I never slept, slept, slept, walked. Sloop walked. Slept, weeped. Slept, weeped. No, I don't think I'd have, but I guess I wouldn't know. Fucking know what I mean? I mean, my wife waking up in a terror that alien spiders are trying to get through the ceiling is enough.

Yeah, you're like, no, no, no, just go to the refrigerator. She's like, no, they ripped the ceiling off And they're coming through The roof to get us You're like yep She's convinced Here just take my fucking book light And put it up your ass Go back to bed honey

Love you See you in the morning Good show Good show Alright that's it For episode 101 Thank you guys for For being here

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go find that. And something we want to see on the show, the email address for that is, hey guys, it can you don't podcast.com. All right, let's wrap it up. Zach! Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? You want me? Is this mine? I got it. I told my wife that she should embrace her mistakes. So she gave me a hug. Oh, geez. That's funny.

Yeah. Get it? Because you're the worst thing that happened to her? Yeah, that's pretty fucked up. And how much different and better her life would be if you didn't come along? That's so funny yeah what just remember you're you're you are you are somebody's worst mistake yeah and that's cool well i always and you know her name even you know her name you know her name even yeah yeah i just picture because it's like a lot of times a lot of times it's just like

the guy proposes to a woman just because like, I guess we'll just get married then. I'm so sick of fucking these birdhouses. And then you see like I see people posting online about like wives complaining about their husbands and like, you realize

like he just married you to make you happy. And now you're, you're complaining like that. You hate your husband. Like he didn't have to get relationships. They're fucking nightmare. It's weird. I just had this conversation with my wife the other day.

I forget what we were talking about, but I was like the way that I said it. And I'm glad that she, she agrees with me, but I was like, the way that I said it, and I'm glad that she agrees with me, but I was like, they were talking about the perfect person for you. I'm like, I know you probably don't want to hear this. No wife wants to hear this, but there's no perfect person for everyone out there. There's 8 billion people in the world. There's someone better than me.

That's what I told her. I was like, there's a dude out there that's way better for you than I am. And I'm completely okay with that. But we found each other. We decided to stick it out and that's it.

That's why things aren't always great because you just had the best person for you at the time. Oh, that's what it was. It was because I was saying a lot of times second marriages are the best person for you at the time oh that's what it was it was because i was i was saying like a lot of times second marriages are the best marriages for people because when you originally get married some people are really young in their early 20s they don't even know who they are yet you're a different person in 25 to 35 it's fucking insane so then you find that you both find like a better version of what you wanted originally know what you want

yeah you know what to look out or know what you want yeah you know what to look out for what what ruined it before yeah so that was the basic premise of it like i'm sure that went great um no she was like i told she's like i agree you know like it's i agree you are terrible yeah and you're like thank you now i'm gonna go back and watch the mariners game can you stop vacuuming well that's funny is that with the way i said that i was almost waiting for her to think like so do you think there's someone way better for me out there? But she didn't say it. So I didn't have to answer that.

She didn't ask. She's like, I'm just over this conversation. Yeah. Well, that's, that tends to happen with a conversation with her. I'll just keep going. And she's like, she's not, she's not even part of the conversation anymore. It's just me still going. And the crazy thing about that is

she's like, God damn it. She has so many things she wants to say, but she's like, I'm not going to keep doing this. You're like, and that's the second time

I reinvented the wheel. She's like, I guess fucking go to bed. But yeah. All right. That's funny. All right, let's move off

into bonus stuff. Got a lot of questions to get to a lot of fun articles stuff like that alright fuck yeah bye