Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Infection. Home Depot. Sinking. Baby Seal.

Episode Date: June 7, 2023

There's dumb... and then there's following your GPS into the ocean dumb. Let's talk about that, how awkward yard sales can be, people smashing their thumbs into your eyes because they love you, bashing a bunch of baby seals in a dance club, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/8suaYFrdw2YSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Infection. Home Depot. Sinking. Baby seal. there's a couple things i want to talk about today oh one is that i didn't start the timer idiot number two is that we did size up zach for some fucking gloves yep i just ordered them they're all they're all ready to go no way they'll be here in a couple days how does it feel to open up your amazon account and go to be able the reorder option yeah it's even there yeah that's a fingerless leather gloves yeah i hit uh i had hit orders and i was like oh when was this jose this last year i hit 2022 one of the first purchases right there at the top it knows fingerless gloves amazon knows he goes you don't just buy one pair like they knew you were coming every six months you're gonna come back for more you'll be bad you'll be bad they're all worn out oh yeah

i'll be back cheapest shit uh zach we're gonna talk all about zach here in just a second before we get there yes sorry sorry buddy you gotta shut up shut up um but speaking of the finger slither gloves we do have some merch It just says business hands Right on the top And there's also variations If you're like I don't know about business hands Can you don't also fits Fit perfectly

With a couple of fingerless leather gloves So that merch is there We also have the I think I'm going to grab myself one of them One of the shirts you'll see on mommy The face representation, that eyeball. Like this is, I mean, that's what this motherfucker is saying. So head over to canyoudontpodcast.com.

You can check that out. Of course, you sign up on Patreon. Bonus content on the back end of every single episode. And then I want to give a big old, like, just thank you to a certain someone. Is that okay? sure you you have the floor okay um i want to say thank you to david neal for not sucking on my toes this past week which i feel i mean bless possibility it's gonna happen maybe yeah no well yeah but i mean just the last week is what i'm talking about could you imagine any place you're in sedona oh yeah it's gorgeous place and you wake up and david neal is like i'll be 15 what i didn't pay for that

not only do i not want you to do that now i have to pay you right that's uh you know like the window washy kind of thing yeah like hey thanks bro yeah you're just driving your car and you look down lift your what the fuck you lift your feet up up the gas pedal and David's down there sucking your toesies. $15, please. It looks like the it in the sewer. Peaking up. This is David Neal. So good.

So good. Tell me you got a good crystal or something. I didn't. What? I didn't. Did you learn the secret? No secrets. God damn it, Joe.

But I'm going to say The Sedona was It was beautiful Like I I didn't take a lot of pictures Because They're all over the internet There's nothing you could do

Like a little Feel like This is so big You know It is like Like a sunset Or the moon You're like

This is going to be sweet I'm going to watch this later But no It looks like It looks shit So I gave up so i gave up there's no i don't i don't really get this like when we're in mexico there are people on the beach they're not taking a picture in front of the sunset or whatever they're just taking a picture

of the sunset yeah right so it's like it's a fucking sunset right it doesn't look that great i'm sure it's sweet doesn't look as good as the eyes like pictures of food you're like sweet food yeah yeah google it yeah just just google it go check it out you sent me those pics of sedona and i was like there's no way you there's no and i was like i didn't right because i don't have a fucking camera but this is what i'm looking at i love that so joe usually when uh usually when you're like oh this is where i am you send a picture of where you're at i did send some of those no i know but the the ones you sent in the beginning were just Google pictures of Sedona. Kind of. Because that's why I was like, did you take these?

These are professional landscape photography. Yeah. And so you're like, no, all you were saying was, this is where I am. This is why you don't have to Google it. Right. Like, I was looking at the same rock formation. Yeah. I just didn't have an awesome camera.

And I was like, i'm not fucking like this my phone camera makes it look like i should have stayed home you know what i was doing while you're doing that jerking off garage sale that's fucking sweet what we're talking we're gonna talk about that a little bit i'm so excited was it garage sale yard sale okay thank you except for the one lady i'll get to the all right okay right it's coming in a big difference between a yard sale and a garage sale? Location. Elucidate. It's just location.

Location, location, location, baby. You just don't let them into your little garage house? Yeah. I mean, it's one thing. Okay, we'll get into it. We'll get into all that. Yeah, we'll get into it. Any content you want to see on the show, send it in.

Hey, guys, at CanyonOpodcast.com. Yeah, all the merch. We talked about that. Okay, we're doing a big fat dick on today's show yeah big old stew just the girthy girthy veiny oh like good luck like that kind of thing you look at it you're like whoo you might pull your pants saying like oh this isn't even hard yet right this is to deal with this monstrosity that's a mirage you pass out because of the amount of blood that has to get there yikes yeah i've been there right yeah um all right sack what hey buddy hi okay so first of all so happy you're here me too uh there are people that have no idea i saw some comments

it fucking killed me they're like who the fuck is everyone's gonna know it's like zach is back it's all this shit and someone's like who the fuck is this guy it's not exactly the mcrib i wish uh so who are you i mean we hinted a little bit last week i mean you know we've known each other for well over a decade yeah but what do you do now and and what do you got going on uh i am a douchebag professionally noted and i do a podcast called scat cast i have a network we have five weekly shows because i'm a masochist christ why do you do that i love doing what i do it's just it's just making voices and telling jokes that's not hard you always love that shit dude ever since I've known you we've worked together on all the stuff that you love doing

that's pretty much how we met you're doing cool stuff dude but you need to do it better here's some programs to help you that's the first thing I met with Joe he was like dude you could do better I didn't say it like that no it was nicer can you imagine

you're like oh this is so cool you're doing it you suck at it but you're really not i respect the hustle and your drive right it was the video the video editing is like you know this could be a lot better if you were good at it it's like oh yeah you're right if you had a program that wasn't for kindergartners i gotta tell you though what are you using i appreciate that sort of when you're trying to do something creative there's nothing better than someone saying that's shit because then you go oh i could do better because everyone's telling you're great you're not gonna get any better stay mediocre yeah yeah it's like your mom being like it's the best yeah oh my sweetheart he's a great singer no but still it was about i mean obviously like

seeing the talent in zach it's not like i, I mean, it's not a secret. There was nothing there, and I was like, I'm going to help this homeless character. Yeah, you were like, I'm going to give you what I know. To hopefully save you. Yeah. From certain, like, just despair. No, but you could see the talent and how much is there and the drive and how funny and creative this guy is. Stop sucking on his toes.

Can't you suck a little bit more? Give me those fucking toes. Get the pinky. Pinky toes. Get that pinky. He's going to go wee-wee all the way home. He's like,

don't forget the balls. He's like, don't forget the pinky. Okay, back to you. Back to me. Yeah, skatcast.com. You can check out stuff. We've got a Patreon.

Our main show, I wouldn't say we have a main show, but every Tuesday we have our scat cast which has skit cats skit scats which are basically like i know right they're basically skits they're cartoons for your ear balls uh i do lots of voices it's meant to be you do it to be a cartoon later it's very meant to be animated later it's an amazing like just escapism from and you're i mean you're so fucking smart like so a lot of the shows you do,

a lot of the comedy in there, it's really good. I appreciate that. Of course. Coming from you. I wish I had, like, fucking Scatman just on tap right now. Can you do Joe's voice?

It's the Scatcast! Can you do Joe's voice? Yeah, that way you could leave. I suck at impressions and accents. Both of those things. And toes. We learned that last week, Mario.

Yeah. It's not Mario. It was Luigi's cousin. All right, Zach. Love you, buddy. I love you, dude. Okay, so we got one update before we get into

the show show today. It comes in from our son, Mike. How come it's an update not a down date i don't know it seems anyway move on uh it says uh sup fuck ponies great i'm listening to the newest episode hot air balloon dog ears centipede david neal i guess his face pops up yeah i could see it yeah no just I know. Just, God bless. Thank you.

Like, I do the chest pump. You're like, thank you, God, for not getting my toes sucked by David Neal. The Sammy's so sad. Kiss, kiss, kiss, boom. Yeah. Kiss, kiss, boom. And when I was about 12, me and my sister were playing outside when we heard this crazy loud noise. We ran out front just in time to watch a fucking hot air balloon crash in our front yard.

It's like Christmas. It's a miracle! The people in it were okay, but they got in a bad wind and it blew them miles off course. And they landed in our fucking yard. That's all it took. This could be a great day of ballooning

and then God's like nah just blows you I can't imagine that's a common occurrence but I got to witness it, love the podcast keep the good work and Zach welcome back bro it's kind of like i wonder if like

like you just put your car neutral like on top of a mountain and you're just like let's see which way we go you tip and go back i guess we're heading i don't know fucking southeast remember i the road was too sharp to turn i guess i'm gonna keep going straight you just cross your arms and let yourself go yeah just end up in sedona ari. Am I right? How do you, I mean, what if you crash into someone's house and then you're like, I'm so sorry. I mean, they're lucky it was the yard. It could have been the chimney. Yeah. It could have been anything.

Wait, you're sleeping. You're sleeping. You're sleeping. And you're. The first thing you hear is, fuck. Is everyone okay? Apologies. Fuck, is everyone fine? Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah all right let's try to get out here i'm not trying to be santa in july let's get the fuck out of here maybe they won't notice it's just a wreckage of wicker basket like breakings it's oh my god just floating away

so good to walk out of that and just look at the like a tornado just hit your house but it's a balloon floating away

guy sorry he's flipping you off fuck you fuck you you'll never catch me alive you have to wonder

what the insurance policy on on a balloon would be like pitching that to state fund okay we're opening up a business oh you want i want to open up a hot air balloon business i want to put people in baskets it's really high with it's like do you have 10 million yeah no i want to use fire to lift people hundreds of feet in the air oh and we're gonna write it's

gonna be a wicker basket which is highly flammable is the balloon flammable yeah of course it is of course it is what do i look like absolutely not there's your look like an idiot go walking into a bank to ask for that loan like i don't know i'll go talk to my manager it seems like do you have a business plan yeah i just want to be high yeah i want to be and I want to take family and kids as high as we can go. How do you control it? Just no idea. The wind.

Yeah, there's no way. Oh, God damn. All right, you ready? Yeah. We're diving into some shit? We could do a whole new other episode on Air 100 Blends. Just on fucking balloons. Dude, I love it.

All right, Zach, you ready? Let's fucking hit it! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Okay. Start the show already. Hey! You know how to read?

Oh, no. Am I supposed to read something? Yeah, just do the question. Oh, I guess just a sentence. I can do that. Can't fuck this up, right? We'll fucking see. Would you rather have to bash a hundred baby seals every year for ten

years? Yeah. Or have to full force kick. Full force kick. Full. God damn it. How should I put the emphasis on that? Full force kick. Full force kick. I'm always sure if you want me to emphasize a word. I love the emphasis. Like

force choke someone? Full force kick. Full. Force skin. Force skin. I love... Hold on. Finish off the sentence.

Full force kick. Open every door. Okay. I love thinking, like, go back to, you know, mythological things. The god of, like, emphasis. Hmm. Like, you're like, well, where were you? Mm-hmm.

Where were you when i fucked this up uh you pray to the god of emphasis when it sounds like something you could pray to trying to think of something with fingers leather gloves yeah there's neptune and and zeus and zach probably knows them all festus maybe festus that's a good one yeah that's in there i guess love having the smartest guy i know sitting on the other side just start naming random things yeah you could do it you know you could oh man a hundred baby seals every year for a decade that's one every three days if you want to space it out you might want to have a marathon you could just get it over with get it over with you could raise money for charity you raise money for baby for

baby seal recovery while you're while you're maiming them mashing a hundred baby seals could you imagine on the last day of the year bashing a hundred and then the first day of the next year bashing another hundred and you get a full you get not 200 of knocked out man and then you're done for the year yeah that's just that's just being responsible, I think. Includant planning. Yeah. Yeah, you're planning ahead. You're looking out for your family, your new well-being by just taking care of 200 baby seals.

Oh, I guess. Have you looked up a baby seal? No, but I imagine they're frigging adorable. They're the cutest little squishies. But they'd be easy to bash. Yeah. Well, I mean, that's one point for smashing seals. Originally, I pictured just a seal and not a baby seal, which makes this even worse.

Yeah, their eyes are just, the whole face is an eyeball. They're a cartoon, right? They're a cute, adorable. Hello. Sorry, have you seen my parents? Like that kind of that look and you're like, yeah, one second. Tiny Tim. Yeah, they're right through this door.

Bam! Just get right in this cattle garden. Cattle gate. Right in this guillotine with a sharp blade above your head. I know where your parents are. Cattle prod them. Right over here, I know where your parents are. Oh, no, you didn't bash them. Cattle prod them? Right over here. Your parents are waiting for you.

They're right in this pile of other seals. I have a question. Okay. How would you kill them? Is it a club? It's got to be a club. It just says bash. Club seal?

Yeah. It's like a nightclub? Club seal? They come walking up and they're like, oh, what's in here? Oh, nothing. It's called club seal. Arf, arf, what's in here? Oh, nothing. It's called Club Seal. Arf, arf, arf. Arf, arf, arf.

Arf, arf, arf. Arf, arf, arf. You walk inside, the occupancy side is 100. Just 100. No one else. No one else. They're like everyone the bouncer who i don't know whatever animal you want to make it it's like always waiting for people to come out like no one's coming out yeah you're like you're actually you're all the next 100 are gonna get in here

in just a second yeah the next 100 in line that's it that's it we're at capacity that's it yeah fire fire stuff could you imagine everyone waiting in line for someone's it. That's it. We're at capacity. That's it. Yeah, fire stuff. Could you imagine everyone waiting in line for someone to come out, and they're like, no one's coming out. God, this place must be great. Fucking sweet. No one wants to leave. Is it ladies night?

What is a lady seal called? I feel like it's something Zach would know. No. Okay. That'd be cool. Something I should know. What? It's a sea male.

Hey! Hey-o a sea male. Hey! Hey-o! Sea male? Okay. A female seal. See? It seems intuitive. Come on.

That right there, that is why Zach is here. And it's because of sea male. I knew it was coming. Am I right? All it's given me is female navy seals. Cows. They're called cows. It just says Deborah.

You're like, all right. Wait. A large group of seals during breeding is called a harem. Adult males are called bulls and females are called cows. So just like a, just like the bovine. And he's on a ranch. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Seal ranch. Dude, what? what imagine a seal ranch looking over the fence a gaggle of females yeah dude you have your little hay get the hay stick in your mouth looking at your seal ranch you're so proud when kick your arms on the the fence yeah got boots made of seal fucking propping that that baby up. Seal of approval on there. Dude, this is unreal. All right, let's bounce off the seals.

You get it. Full force kick, every door open. I mean, that is a lot of doors. That's a lot of doors. I mean, grocery store, gas station. Just to get into our little studio. Yeah, just picking in this. Repair that every time.

Repair it. Which, if you missed it, it's a secret bookshelf door it is it's pretty great not fun to repair no it's better than murder though i mean maybe a little bit they're just little seals it's not as much fun but it's yeah no you get it not enough yeah not enough you get a nice workout yeah smashing c-mails. God, I don't know, man. I didn't really think about that, having to fix the door. I was just picturing you're just going to check in on your kids and you kick the door open and bash them or something like that. But now you have to fix the door, too.

Good night. You're saying good night to your kids. Good night, good night. Like a little doorknob noise. And you walk out and you're like, Dad! And you're like, fuck, like a little doorknob noise. And you walk out and like, dad! And you're like, fuck, god damn it. Yeah. Bah!

And you just boot it open. And you're like, I need some water. But you're not even mad. Yeah, you're not mad. You're like, they're terrifying. You like anything else? Well, they're used to it by now. Yeah, the first couple of times, it's a little terrifying. Oh, that's terrifying.

That's absolutely, that's, there's so much fixing doors. Yeah. Have you spent a lot of time fixing doors they're not fun there's a lot of other fun things to fix doors not up there i'd rather do anything besides i'd rather bash a hundred seals i'd rather do anything besides fix a door well you gotta you gotta fuck you you gotta rip the thing off you break the door and you gotta take the hinges out of the wall. Got the gems. Or just gems.

You got to go to the gym so you can lift the door off. Then you got the jam. You got to undo the little metal fitting. You put jam on your doors? Yeah. Peanut butter first. That's how you kick it open. And then jam on the inside.

That's smart. See, a nice seal. We can't do that. Seals it up. There a nice seal. We can't do that. Sealed it up. There's too many. You can't put seal out there and not expect some puns. I mean, I don't think

I've pushed the air button this much in at least three months. And again, that's why Zach's here. Right? That's why he's here. I'm walking.

I don't even push it anymore. It's just him. He inserts the air whenever he wants to. Maybe he does the voices. Yeah. He can do a seal. That was more like a Tim Toolman Taylor. That was if the mummy did an impression of Tim Tool.

What's that, tool time? It's close. I don't like fixing door stuff dude i'm gonna kill some seals it would get easy it would after a while you'd get used to it yeah no matter how cute you imagine though if you did it let's say you didn't do it one day like we said okay let's say it's one every three days so it's like sunday you you get done with church and like well what are you guys gonna you guys gonna head to the potluck ah no i'm gonna go what's it called what's the thing uh god damn it start to the c after church they have the cookies and the coffee i don't go to church someone has

to know communion yes it's no communion communion is when you get the body of crest yeah that's right and you get some wine oh yeah some wine get hammered. They get you all boozed up so they can take your money. Take a big old sip of wine, like I used to do, and then smile at my brother. I just realized that's why they do that. What? They give you wine, so then you sit back down, and then you hand more money over, because you're all tipsy. Genius.

Money goes out before that. I'll take you to church. Take me to church. I'll take you to church okay go ahead what a good just random outbursts how about us three how about we all go to church together yes okay which one i don't know what religion what's your favorite pick your fave jojo jojo that would be wild that'd be boring they don't have windows so it would be really not as nice. Let's go to the one where they just hate gays.

Like those, the ones where they're just like, gays are causing the downfall. Oh, down West Bureau Baptist Church. Yeah, but there's one in Arizona. What? There's one in Arizona that dude that was like, the gays are that's the reason that we're having

tornadoes and shit, because there's gay people. And then all the people are like, yep, yep. Checks out. Fucking hate tornadoes. Checks out. Checks out. Fucking hate tornadoes.

If it weren't for them gays, my house wouldn't have been wrecked. All these butts getting fucked. Fucking why not swirl? Swirl some wind. All the hot air balloons are like, no! Oh, fuck. The gays! Could you imagine? Fucking why not swirl Swirl some wind All the hot air balloons are like No The gays

Could you imagine That's how the whole thing started That's how they wrecked them The balloons are They're homophobics Homophobic balloons Air balloonists The hot air balloonists

Jesus is upset Could you imagine a tornado Going through that thing in Sedona In the morning And all the air balloons are just They're all doing this you just hear the same families i knew we should have got a ballooning so okay i'm gonna bash some seals you feel that i think i'm gonna bash some seals just because having to fix it because it's like every time you you kick in the door and then you're like fuck i gotta fix car door like i mean

you have to kick your fucking car door in how do you kick it in that's that's pretty tough you're gonna find out if you pick this choice you're kicking in every fucking door it doesn't say you have to fix it though you can be a dick and just that's true you could but it's your own home yeah like when you get home from work you got to kick your door in honey you have to care i guess about if you live in a clean environment about doors not just that like someone could just walk in and take shit fair door stuff if you like fighting that's a good option though just wake up and there's a fight every day that's true i love take your seal bashing bat right by the

door i mean it goes down to tiny doors your daughter's like hey you want to play you want to play dollhouse with me dollhouse you're kicking in the drop kicking a doll she like daughter's voice like come in it's ken it's ken oh you ready for your date sure am don't you have a key already kind of mash it all right so we're gonna we're gonna kill some seals yeah because i honestly like i'm fine now i'm thinking about i'm starting to visualize all the things that would that technically have a door yeah and it would just be like it's too overwhelming chaos i can visualize killing a hundred seals. That's something I can picture.

Yeah. But the idea of like, I don't know where I'm going to be, where I'm going to need to kick in a door. Yeah. I don't need that kind of stress in my life, you know? And the clothes, like you get some seal clothes, blubbery. I mean, you're warm. Oh yeah, you use the whole animal. Yeah.

You bash it, take the meat, throw it in the freezer make a pair of seal boots and a nice casserole and try it quite a financial windfall i think yeah no you get it sell that shit yeah this is the whole business we just started a business on yeah seal factory started the can you don't seal business that's fun um okay so you did something and we've we've hit on it a little bit in the past, but we're going to dive in a little deeper right now. Yeah, we're going to dive a little in the deep end. Oh, yeah.

Fucking. Hey, Zach, you fucking do it. Fuck it! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what?

I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Real quick, that face, you went like this. What was the thing what are you thinking about real quick that face you like what was the thing that you said that you always make that face hey hey me it's me again your friggin face hey all right it's me again real quick i was thinking fingerless seal gloves baby seal fingerless gloves can you don't we got this i got hold on i got some notes to take that shit down okay one second how much do you think it costs to make something out of seal skin we're gonna we're about to find out brian it's probably like one of those rare tree

fucking tables from the amazon and then you can just make more gloves out of the fingers that you cut off the glove well depending on how long it takes you to kill the thing we're going to find out how strong these gloves actually will be we're going to you know compare them to normal like like leather these have held up pretty good have they we haven't done any street fights well yeah that's true we haven't punched anybody we will there should be some sort of consumer report in the patreon where we grab like 12 kinds of fingerless gloves and put them to the test wear them down i love that take some like old like whatever the like the taekwondo was always called taekwondo taekwondo take them to the batting taekwondo you're you heard it first on the simpsons okay so you um we're doing

you're selling stuff or whatever yeah we just this just. Oh, this is it. Hold on. This is perfect. What do I want right now? Oh, okay. Go ahead. What were you doing? We were having a yard sale. Okay.

It's weird because my instinct is to say garage sale just because that's the term, you know? Yeah. But we got everything out of the garage to sell in the yard. It's a yard sale. It's a yard sale. Yeah. It's location, location, man. Even though some lady popped in she was

like looking through stuff she's she was in the lawn and she was like oh wow is that one of those uh you know but the the bikes like the little coleman um four-stroke yeah yeah and so right then i was well she was looking through my garage why don't you just fucking walk in there lady you know what i mean i love walking up to a yard sale yeah and then you go it you whatever she punches in the code your garage she opens it up yeah she's like no fucking garage sale first of all how do you know the code you're like yeah well this first question either one no it's a yard come here deb debby come here yeah it's a yard sale she goes well fucking how am i supposed to know it's because there's nothing in the fucking garage everything's out in the yard and it was locked she was i shut

it for a reason so people like you wouldn't look into my garage there's a garage sale yeah is there any backyard sales that's fun kind of creepy yeah to go to the back. Yeah. Nothing up front. They open the gate. It's like you walk back. Yeah. There's a cover charge. There's nothing sadder than an estate sale. Oh, no. That's where you get the good deals.

Yeah, but there's nothing sadder. Depends on, I don't know who died. They're just like. I don't care. I don't care who died. Because you have a cool. It's some nice thing and it's like $12. Right.

I know. Yeah. It's an antique vintage 1912 dresser this was my great grandma's pass down for general 12 12 bucks this is a the best i can do strata various the best i can do is eight like okay the best i can do is eight too heavy to carry okay we're this is what part of what we're gonna this is what we're gonna get into okay go ahead um god there's so many things to to touch on but i was just sitting there and when i texted you the other day i was like god this is so fucking weird so i was sitting in like a just a chair my front lawn my stuff's out on the lawn yeah it is well first of all it's

weird when you're like it's like 7 30 in the morning and you're just taking all this stuff setting tables out and people are driving by and they're like looking morning, and you're just taking all this stuff, setting tables out, and people are driving by, and they're, like, looking at you, and you're setting tables up and, like, folding clothes and setting things out. I bring in all my CDs and DVDs and shit. And then some dude just rolls up and, like, pulls into my driveway. The guy that would never, ever come to my house pulls up in my driveway and goes, You guys open yet? Open.

I'm like, because I didn't realize, but Amber posted. you guys open yet open i'm like because i didn't realize but amber you guys sad yet she she posted it on you know craigslist and all that kind of stuff so there you know there's like garage sale people yeah like that's just what they do on saturdays they go around the whole town and And so this guy's like, you open yet? I'm like, well, I guess. Yeah, we're putting stuff out. He's like, sweet. He's like, sweet, I wasn't sure if you were open yet.

Come on in. Ling, ling, ling. You need anything? You guys have warranties and receipts, right? Everything is sold as is. He has something he's returning from the last time. This shirt sucks. You told me

this thing. You told me this worked. Yeah, I just was trying to get rid of it. I can't believe you took my word for it. You ever have to test anything out and you have to go find an extension cord? I do that for a bubble maker. I mean, not a bubble maker or i know i

mean not a bubble maker uh a fog machine i was selling a fog machine for 10 bucks of course you were so i had to go get the thing and bring it out of big old extension cord how did you price it uh did you look at the market no i was like i didn't even pay for it so i was like oh see we can get 10 bucks for it that That's the best yard sale. You just get stuff for free? Yeah, buying shit from someone who steals from people. Like you. Where the fuck did I get this?

Someone gave me that because they played concerts and they were done playing concerts. They were like, you ever need one of these? I'm like, maybe. It's in your will. You willed me your fog machine. It's all you got was a fucking $10 fog machine. Everyone's sitting around in the thing and the video's playing on the TV. And to my eldest son, I leave my fog machine. I will remember you.

It's a sick funeral if you plug that thing in where'd he go where'd he go the body just disappears find your ten dollar fuck machine get some like lasers Get some lasers and shit. This is the best damn magic show I've ever been to. Do you have any final words? No, I think so. Okay. Please do that in your will. Somebody do that in your will. Can you have the pretty girl?

She walks out and does like the... There's a tiger. She's like, yeah, lays across the top of the coffin. And she floats up and then you vanish? Anyway. If David Copperfield, if his funeral is not like that, I'm going to be so disappointed. There's some guys like by the end of this, David Copperfield be in that box oh this whole body's gonna be in that box by the end of this show don't keep your eyes off the box okay ready shit he used to do his dead body's propped up on a motorcycle

weekend at bernie's shit he's levitating yeah and so now he's obviously on strings around some nephews in charge of the fog machine? Okay. Yard sale. What's up, dude? Oh, yeah. Right. Go ahead. So. Fuck. I'm sitting there and these, you know, everyone starts showing up because they're like garage sale people. So it's just this.

I love how that's a whole category of person. It is because like at nine o'clock, all these, it was like, it was like, there was like, there was a SWAT team showing up to our house. Cars are pulling into our driveway. Get them. And we live right on a busy road. I was going to say gray street. So they're pulling up to our house. Cars are pulling into our driveway. Get them. And we live right on a busy road. I was going to say

Gray Street. So they're pulling up on the curb. They're parking in the middle lane. I mean, they're backing up traffic. This woman was laying

on a horn trying to get the person to pull all the way into our driveway so she could get out of the street. Just go in the garage. They're trying to get

people to park in the garage. Scoot forward. You must have had some really great DVDs advertisers. Oh man yeah what were your sales besides the ten dollar it wasn't even that great like there was stuff that was like half of it we just left out and put free you know like that kind of stuff it's stuff that we're gonna give away anyway that's the end of the yard sale see if we can just kind of yeah my wife's always fed up and don't want to carry it back dude my wife's always like oh my friend she's gonna have a garage sale in a few weeks and she's like we

could save this it was like a um a heater that you plug in the wall whatever you know yeah and she's like i can mark it for like three bucks she's like i could take it down to her garage sale in two or three weeks i'm like you're gonna wait around store it's room for three fucking bucks and you're gonna lug that down to her place just put it for free in a five dollar wheelbarrow if i had it my way i would have put everything out for free yeah yeah just to just get out just i don't want it anymore i'll pay you to take it yeah yeah exactly i'm curious what was like the best treasure that you've been that's a good question well i mean some of the cds like i'd never sold cds before or dvds i've always kept them days and new and i finally no one bought it but it was in the box you son of a

i know just because i zach's not the show he's starting to sell that okay all right thank you i have three copies of it oh never mind yeah keep the Keep the show going. But I, yeah, it's like, I had that kind of, honestly, like, that, and then we had, we actually sold a couple of the big tables that we were using to sell the stuff. Yes. And we, on Facebook Marketplace, the hot ticket item was, was tires though, but all we did was get scammed on Facebook Marketplace Really? Yeah

Oh man But anyway It's so funny It's like no no no You guys have a great selection here How much for the table all the shit's on? That's so funny A guy came from like a half hour away

To buy two tables We had four of them And he bought two of them So he pulls up So we had to take everything off that table And like make room on another table. It sounds like a prank show. Yeah.

Someone's like comes and takes all the shit that like you're using that you didn't want to sell. You guys like, that's cool. I know you're selling this stuff, but. He makes you plug in the fog machine. He goes, oh, it works. Cool. How much for the extension cord? Yeah.

Okay. So sweet. That extension cord works. How much for the copper wiring inside your house? You're like, uh, what? You pay works. How much for the copper wiring inside your house? You're like, what? You pay me, I'll come rip it out. Get your front door for 20 bucks or no? It's an old door.

It's an old door. I'll take it. I got this other door. I'll hang up for free. Oh, man, that's so good. So I'm sitting there in the line. I'm just kind of watching people because like, okay, these are garage sale people. They're coming out looking for deals, maybe to resell or something, you know?

So then they're always like, you have something you're trying to sell for $10. And they're like, what do you think, like $0.75? I'm like, I know I'm just going to give this away anyway. But the fact that you offered me $0.75 for something I put $10 on? Like, what the fuck i want to just say yes just to get it out of here but just because you lowballed so low i'm gonna say no there's i see 20 you take you take free yeah like no i put 20 on their margins must be so low if they're reselling it like you you're gonna put it up for five bucks thought of something well anybody show

up with fingers leather gloves no they could have just took your house i thought about putting mine on though whoa 20 off bless you i thought about putting mine on just to straighten like they walk up like what do you 75 cents for this speaker uh i don't know i was thinking more like 20 bucks you raised the price? It was 10, but I think I'll take 20 now. I'll take 26. I sold an amp, which I'd never done before. An amp?

Like a guitar amp. Okay. A little Marshall amp for 25 bucks that I've had for 25 years. I sold my surround sound, like a nice Yamaha surround sound, but I upgraded to soundbars. So it had like 10 speakers and a sub and everything. You have to call in a contractor to hang up the speaker type situation. Actually, the guy was like, oh, this would be perfect for my garage. I can hang the speakers up. I was like, oh, why didn't I think of that?

And I looked around and Amber was like, no. Sell it. Because I started thinking. No deal. I started thinking like, oh, fuck. No deal. I could have done that. Go ahead, Zach.

I said, I got a garage. I'll keep it. Yeah. He's like, hmm. Like, someone comes up with a better idea. Yeah. I mean, just like some pants. I'm like, oh, I think I'll hem the bottom of these pants.

You're like, oh, I never thought about that. I never thought about that. On second thought, no. No deal. You're like Tug of War. You each have a leg. Howie Mandel. Yep. He shows up. You're he shows up like no deal smash the close the button case don't touch me because he's a germ germ guy um so i'm sitting there anyway this is all this to say like it's

just so fucking weird because i'm sitting in my front lawn and i'm watching these people come up people who obviously you know came here and then there's people are driving by and they're like you know they're the rubberneck yeah and then you can see them slowing down they're like turn around and come back you're like all right we got them but then there's just some people like you're sitting there and they're just going through your stuff like if they were in your house doing that you would call the police but they're in your front lawn and they don't it's like they walk up they don't even say hi they just walk up on the lawn and start looking through the stuff they're browsing yeah but they don't even like acknowledge you that you're sitting there

and it's your stuff they just walk up like it's a store and they're going through it flipping stuff yeah and then they and then they're looking through they're like and then they walk off and that's when i texted you i was like just so fucking weird like these people are going through my stuff i'm watching go through my stuff and then they leave without buying anything and then you kind of take a little bit personal you're like well my stuff's not good for good enough for you nothing you better than me i mean i love this shit at one point yeah nothing for you like i was excited i had to buy this i was so excited for it i'm getting rid of it i'm giving you a deal i paid 50 for this you're paying a buck 50 for the same thing that's just as awesome and you don't want it you don't want it you're over it you're fucking kidding me

looking through your cds they look at the day's new one and they throw it in the street oh dude you know they just go they just go oh well i'll do this guy a favor and they throw it in the street. Dude, you know what? They just go, oh, well, I'm going to do this guy a favor and they throw it in the fucking street. What do you do? And a car drives over it and pops its tire with a case. This is sad. Yeah. Well, you know what's funny?

It's like my box of CDs is like, it ranges from like Beatles all the way up to just the heaviest fucking death metal, black grindiest shit you've ever heard and some guy came through and he bought like ain't everything from beetles to like guns and roses anything that was in there he bought so what was left was just heavy shit and i would see these old ladies walk up and they're like looking through the books and they start going through the cds and i look at my wife i'm like oh my god it's like it's like fucking bitch dick tits yeah

cattle decapitation they're putting their readers on because it's already hard to read the logos dying fetus dying fetus butcher babies what's on the inside hi me it's me again so what happens when they when the opposite do that and they validate something that you're giving away for free? It's like, wow, my stuff is kind of cool. Do you have any second thoughts? Like maybe besides the speakers. You mark it up last second. Like five bucks, what a good deal.

You're like, it's actually 10 now. Yeah. I realize. I see that you like that. It's actually 100. I see my mistake. I may have talked about this before, so I won't go into detail. But I remember I inherited

from my neighbors a snowblower. Yeah. And I didn't think it worked, and the guy I set out there for free, some guy got it working, and he's like, are you sure you want to give it this way? I'm like, no, I better keep it. So he pulled over and was going to take it, and I ended up wheeling it back into my garage.

He fixed it? He didn't fix it it he just knew how to he showed you how it worked yeah he just it was because it was like i had to it was really complicated the way it started that's the last time he educates someone about some mechanical things yeah he should have been like oh no i'll just strip this for parts it doesn't work he's like kicking it yeah this thing sucks so yeah he was like you sure and then so i ended up wheeling away and then she actually the wife knew who i was because she'd seen the videos before so i'm like oh now now she knows that i'm not a real man i'm just a funny boy

i'm just a yep it's the funny clown out here doing funny clown stuff that's right anyway i could go into much more detail love it Love it. But it's so fucking funny when you break down the wall between, I would never talk to you ever. Why are you in my lawn? What are you doing here? To, okay, we're going to sell stuff. Half the neighborhood's walking through my lawn. Yeah, they're there for you.

And I'm just sitting there and having a conversation. It's a great way to meet people. Sell your shit you don't like and i never really thought about it so you said it something that you were so happy to get and now you're just giving it away for free and no one wants it you're like you know how fucking cool this was when i got it this was my childhood you don't want zelda get the zelda i wouldn't sell zelda i know i've never. Zelda. Zelda. I get it. Okay, let's move on to dick.

I'm not sure. We're not going to have time for a fat dick this week. Oh, real quick. That's okay. Really quick before we go. Yeah. The amount of people that had a kid, like a teenager, and they're like, oh, this is so vintage.

I'm like, oh, fuck. How old do you feel? Yeah. Real good. Your whole life is classic rock now, bro. I know. Pretty weird. Yeah.

Carry on, man. Dude, Killswitch Eng life is classic rock now bro i know weird yeah carry on dude kill switch engage is classic rock now i don't want to talk about that uh at all it makes me sad all right let's do some dick stuff zach you like dicks is it dumb is it interesting is it cool yeah i mean whatever that's a lot of fun out the gate so we're gonna do a couple dicks this week that's fine we're just gonna make it through the show this one popped up and i've read like some of these types of stories before and i'm sure others have have also done the same thing i'm sorry i don't know what's going on i'm getting getting allergies or something. Are you crying? Are you having too much fun? My allergies are kicking in. The allergies. But, like, following...

And I mean, I get as frustrated as the next guy. When it comes to GPS, you know? Yeah, the next guy. He fucking hates it. Like, sometimes you drive in and then all of a sudden it's like, hey, you missed it. It's like you didn't tell me anything. I was doing... You were supposed to turn back there. Was I's like you didn't tell me anything. I was doing... You were supposed to turn back there.

Was I? Because you didn't tell me. You just told me straight. And then now I'm flipping around in a fucking cul-de-sac. I'm going to reverse on the freeway. So this... And I mean, obviously,

it has happened before because the headline reads, another... Another tourist. Another tourist following GPS directions mistakenly drives car into Hawaii harbor. Look, can you imagine being so zoned in? You're like, okay, left up here.

Your blinker goes off and you just go like this and then you look at the water and you just drive into it. Is this a hologram? You're like, hmm? And this is the sad part, that was kind of what happened. She knew it was there. I'm going to play the video.

A driver swam to safety after an SUV went into the water at Horokohau Harbor on Hawaii Island. What? Hurry, it's going under! Hurry up and get out! Good Samaritans on a boat were on hand to assist the driver, who they say is an out-of-state visitor.

You should be in one of these. Why are you in a thing that has wheels? You should have one of these. A Good Samaritan in a passing boat is never a good sign. Like if you're in a car. And I love that it's like, Good Samaritan. And all they yelled was, It's psychic! Good Samaritan is just a guy acknowledging how stupid

the person is good samaritan did he dive in and help no he goes you're sinking oh thanks badge of honor give the purple heart purple heart for this guy you're sinking she was following gps directions she took a turn down a boat ramp she apparently thought that the water was a big puddle oh my god so she michael scotted it it's a big puddle it's huge must have rained quite a bit last night oh it's gonna float gonna float this one just get right on through but can you imagine locking in to gps like that tight where you have no idea where the fuck you are. Where you see water and you're like, ah. There's fish swimming in it.

Yeah, it's a deep puddle. There's a surfer. Like you're driving in and someone's like, ah. Like gives you the hang ten sign. The guy on a hydrofoil is just ripping by. You're like, damn, that's a big puddle. I hope I make it to my hotel room in time. But I guess I cannot imagine. that's a big puddle. I hope I make it to my hotel room in time.

But I guess I cannot imagine. Why are there boats in this puddle? Are those tiny boats or big boats? Do you see how close the boat was to that car? Yeah. 15 feet? They mentioned it was a boat launch. So she took it left or right, probably, and then just went right down the boat ramp and into the fucking water. But how do you not deduce?

You're like, wow, it's a big puddle. 15 feet over there is a giant boat. Like, damn, that's a weird place for a puddle to be. It's a big puddle. Wow. Go on in. I guess. I guess. I guess.

I don't know. I like puddles as much as the next guy. But this one seems a little big. I've never seen a boat-bearing puddle before. Right. Maybe like an RC version. I love it. I love a puddle as much as the next guy.

There's a guy behind her about ready to come in the water, too. Get out of the way. Float out of the way. I'm trying to get to the same Hilton. Okay i'm gonna need you to move over hey that car's sinking don't don't go but the video sink too the video is a little shocking the video is like the fact that someone had to be like your car is sinking get the fuck out of it and they're like okay that's not enough out the window they didn't real they didn't realize it was not a puddle right but they didn't realize they're sinking too they're just they're like

god it's not going very fast no your car's sinking in the water the window's up he's like what let me roll my window no no keep your window she's putting in reverse god damn man this is a deep puddle like shifting back and forth i mean trying to do the thing in the mud where your car is sinking get out i can't hear you god you're in a boat! I just pictured the guy in the boat, he's got drinks in his hands and the music playing. Hey!

Your car's sinking! I'm trying to get my boat on the trailer. Get your fucking car out of the way. Speed limit's five miles an hour, no wake. No wake. Oh man. Anyway,. No, man. Anyway, that cracked me up.

Will you hop over and read the infected eyes story for me, please? Will I? Will I? Because this one, oh, man. Clear eyes. This one absolutely tore me up. The Pedro Pascal one? I love Mr. Pedro Pascal.

Who doesn't? He's everywhere. He's like Betty White. He's going to do something stupid and everyone's going to be like, oh, no. I hope he doesn't. Unless he's got some skeletons. Everyone has some skeletons. He can't do anything wrong.

Yeah. We'll see. I don't really get it. He's going to do like Cars 3 or some sort of weird sequel that no one wanted. Cars 3 has already been done. Cars 4. Cars 3 was good. I bet. My favorite role still of his is Game of Thrones. Well, read the title.

When he gets his eyes. Oh, okay. Pedro Pascal got an infection after years of letting Game of Thrones fans put their thumbs in his eyes. Oh my god. So good. Okay. So they're hitting directly on what i was thinking yep absolutely pedro became a household name in the same way people fall in love for oh my god i know this

and this sentence sucks so you're it's a terrible opening situation go pedro became a household name in the same way people fall in love or go bankrupt gradually then suddenly oh print how did the editor like that is a sick line yeah dude keep it in what a thought like this is gonna this is this is going right at the top of my top of my article my art reel it was the best of times it was the worst it's basically it was the last of us You took a whiskey drink? You took a lager drink? Soda drink? Something drink. Something drink. While the back-to-back success of The Mandalorian and The Last of Us turned him into one of

2023's biggest stars, he spent much of the past decade gradually working his way through some of Hollywood's most high-profile franchises. Franchise! Before he joined Star Wars, there was a Game of Thrones. Many fans were exposed to Pedro for the first time during his seven. We're not going to go into all that, right? You want to? You want to?

Okay. Well, you haven't seen Game of Thrones. It's Brian-opedia. Let's do it. Who hasn't seen Game of Thrones yet? Zach? I haven't seen it. Told you.

I knew it. I knew fucking. I'm a Tolkien guy. I can't. It just seems too Tolkien-y. No. I don't know what I'm talking about, though, either. I haven't seen Breaking Bad, either.

Okay, well, this is two things. We've got to erase those. We've got to sit down and watch some shows together. We have to sit down for seven years, and we're going to watch Game of Thrones. I totally get what he's saying, though. If you're not watching a show, and then everyone's talking about it, you're like, it can't be. I'm not going to do it.

That's what I did. But luckily, I was episode one're like, it can't be. I'm not going to do it. That's what I did. But luckily I was, episode one of, in 2010 whenever it fucking started, we started watching it so we got to grow with it. Because I get the whole thing. I got on late, like season four. And I was like, what's everyone fucking

talking about? And I just had time. Something, whatever. Boring time. I just fired it up and I was like, okay. Alright. Everybody wasn't wrong. It's fine. I just fired it up and I was like, okay, alright. Everybody wasn't wrong. It's fine. I watched it and then I re-watched it to watch the second season, then re-watched it to watch the third season. So I've seen the show ten

fucking times. That's crazy. I guess watch the recap. That's great. Yeah. Alright. 37 episode run is Oberyn Martell on the Westeros set HBO. You got it? Does the actorell on the Westeros set HBO. You got it. But as the actor quickly learned, the show's blockbuster status ensured that even its supporting players became recognizable faces.

During the recent appearance in Hollywood Reporters, drama actor Roundtable Pascal recalled being surprised about how much his fame, his relatively small role on the show brought him because he was a badass character yes he was and the unexpected consequences of allowing fans to recreate his character's gruesome death and selfies with him god damn it's so funny i remember earlier on because game of thrones and by by the way you read it okay i remember early on because the game of thrones and the way my character died speaking of touching people were super into taking selfies with their thumbs in my eyes. And at first, I was so earnest and happy about the success

of the character in the show, I'd let him. And I remember getting a bit of an eye infection. You could say that he probably got pink eye or some shit. Yeah, who knows

where those thumbs have been? I don't even know where my own thumbs have been. He's got like a wash, a hand sanitizing station now. He's like, one second. Let me see under your fingernails. Yeah.

It's attached to his belt. He goes, one second. Whatever his hand sanitizing noise is. And then put that in there. Fuck. He's like, here, one second. Okay. Go.

But even hand sanitizing your eyes. Okay. But I love just the concept in general of being known for a certain thing that in order to please your fans you have to do it all the time and it could be anything like say you're in a movie and you shot a pumpkin out of your butthole and they're like do the thing you're like you have to walk around i don't want to let him down yeah he's bent over and he's fucking just shoot some stuff out of your butt it's good and bad because it's like you you have a recognizable thing that gets you your fame

right but imagine just being like a guy that like what's his name fucking hey every time somebody sees you you gotta go hey right or steve urkel you know you gotta go no i do that you know who i think of modern ish is burt kreishner like do you think he wants to have his shirt off all the fucking time yeah kind of you think always though i think he's pretty crazy and always forever i mean not when it's cold see but that he doesn't no one cares they want your fucking shirt off yeah they don't even care about your joke they just want to see your shirt off i just want to see your fucking nippies you're gonna go see his movie?

I'll catch it on DVD. That's pretty cool that they're doing that. That's going to change comic movies forever, man. I mean, we'll see. I hope so. Let's go see it so you can help change the world. If it's good. I don't know.

It's a great story. It's a great 15-minute story. Is it a great movie? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. Jury's still out. But getting just stuck into that you don't know what we're talking about you know who bert is yeah i know bird is and you know the machine story

nope where he's on the train in russia oh man it's one of the greatest one of the greatest stories fucking ever and that's why it's being made into a movie yeah it's kind of what started him a little bit oh man do you remember that thing when that thing caught fire yeah it's like who's this guy with the shirt off i know that's unique just crazy like it was just hundreds and hundreds of millions within like a week it's a great story and he's a nice it seems like a nice guy so it's like cheer for that guy come on yeah i know him absolutely oh absolutely on his side i just got my reservations about a movie uh about that story we'll see kind of like when they made a caveman show out of the commercial yeah good job the geico caveman yeah they did a show on abc or whatever it was awesome i bet yeah so good i don't even know if it made a

season it made it one week okay we're putting out two episodes this week and they're like and we're done season finale that's always the best when a news do a commercial new show launches and then you're like oh man you kind of you're on board and you're watching it and like three weeks later like season finale you're like well or no season it just got canceled it's like bye it's a different show is on just all different characters in a whole different time same same actors like the name work different show i don. Like the name worked. It's just a different show. I don't know.

The name worked so we mixed it up. But being like anything, like small stuff, you take your hat off and you're like oobity boobity. And you have to do that

for the rest of your life. Oobity boobity. Any of those sitcoms, like it's just, they have a, there's everyone in the sitcom and they have a thing they do. And now you have to do it

all the time. They fall on, they do and now you have to do it all the time they fall on so they do the bass thing to seinfeld people they're like that's not me yeah like just do it like all right boom boom boom boom boom like yeah yeah but i just having someone and it's just as far as touching your fucking face i loved you ready so just shove their thumbs in your eyes and you're like and that's what you have to do until you get an eye infection and now now it gets me thinking about all that how people died on there like when the uh uh daenerys's brother gets that um i don't remember don't remember anything. They liquefy the gold and they pour it on him. Just weird

things like that where you get shit dumped on you. Do the thing where they pour molten lava. He's like, okay, fine. You have an assistant that has a vat of gold paint. You're like, ah! Poured on you. Oh my god!

It's so good! Thanks! And you have to take six hours to clean on you. Oh, my God. That's so good. I'm like, thanks. And you have to take six hours to clean yourself up. You're like, I've got to make the fans happy. You know what they say. Imagine if your penis was your thing. No. I mean, you just got to have your dick out all the time. It seems all right.

Yeah, it seems like something you'd see at whatever that one show is in Vegas. That's probably weird, too, for porn stars. When you see them and they're actual people and you're like i have seen and with their clothes on i've seen seven dicks in that thing i like you do that thing i like okay what do you want you're like oh what is it you're like oh it's me and my six friends where the guy finishes on your yeah on me where all my friends finish on me and then you lick all the cum off me? And she's like, okay. Okay.

Can we do all that right here? Yeah. Let's get a photo booth. Guys, guys, guys, come on. It's my bachelor party. Come on. It's my stag, whatever they called it. Stag something? Stag party?

We learned that in the last episode. People were like, it's called a stag and a hen. Those are actual things. A stag go and a hen go or something like that. What? What are we talking about? What the go and a hen go or something like that. What? What the fuck are you talking about? Sorry, guys. Sorry my memory's better! Or maybe you have another podcast that people are referring to. I don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

Ken, you did? Look at that. Ken, you did. You can see my leg muscles. YouTube's getting treated. Alright, good news. You ready for good news? The good news is look at these fucking thigh muscles right, good news. You ready for good news? Yeah. We're going to do this. The good news is, look at these fucking thigh muscles. The good news is...

They do look better when you're petting them with those gloves, though. Yeah. I'll tell you that. Hey, Zach, will you play it? Bah! So you're telling me

there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! Yeah! What do you have? What do you have? What do you have? What I have for you today, Joe.

Mm-hmm. Sam Kaplan, 72, graduate. Oh, fucking pop-ups. Hang on. It's okay. It's okay. One second. Oh, and I forgot to plug it in so he could pull up on the screen.

Oh, damn. So he's just been pulling it up on my screen the whole time? Black screen, baby. Oh. Brian! I've got one. I can do it without the end screen man hold on check out this magic nice oh perfect on my screen we just don't get to see

your pretty faces okay okay sam caplan 72 graduates from a georgia college with his 99 year old mom cheering him on what can you imagine beautiful beautiful, actually. The last time the spectu-ganarian? What? Septu-genarian. Thank you, Zach. Had to hit the books for classes when he was in the 60s. What does that mean, Zach? A 70-year-old person.

Oh, got it. I thought it was like a college term, like your magna cum laude. An octogenarian's 80. Magna cum laude. Magna cum laude-ly. Boom. That's a Leisure Suit Larry joke for you there.

I grabbed you the honor. You guys like Leisure Suit Larry? No. Yeah, I remember that. I remember him. I remember the blue balls that guy created for me. Oh, yeah. Oh, jeez.

Shut up or slip out, whatever that was. More than 50 years after graduating high school, a 72-year-old recently earned an undergraduate, just an undergraduate degree. Wow, waste of time. And turned, turned his tassel. Mm-hmm. On May 11th, Sam Kaplan became the first of his seven siblings to earn a bachelor's degree after receiving his diploma in cinema and media arts from Georgia Gwinnett College in Lawrenceville, Georgia.

According to NFC affiliate, Kaplan's 99-year-old mother cheered his son on from the crowd as he crossed the stage for his graduation ceremony. She's very excited. She was just elated. I'm not leaving until one of you doesn't let me down. She's like, please, I don't want to die. Can you go first? I don't care if you graduate with a degree in cinema and media arts i just want a diploma i just want anybody

to not let me down and he's like everyone else has let me down please your other six siblings have been miserable i'm glad you graduated but i wish you'd move out of the basement now yeah it's like i want somebody to leave my fortune too and sam's like bad news did you hear what degree I got? I'm living in this fucking basement forever. Cinema. A dying industry. Cinema, media, art.

Should have been video games. It just like graduates in quill and ink. And you're like, that's a bad degree to get. Paper manual. Website design. Graduates in fucking cursive. Yeah. Calligraphy.

Calligraphy and fucking quill and ink. Good job, Sam. That's all I know how to do. The new graduate remarked about his mother, she's excited, happy, and proud. She last saw her son in an academic setting in 1969 when he graduated high school. And the decades after, Kaplan crplan crisscross careers but we're not going to go all into that yeah i thought it was really fucking cool could you imagine being 72 years old and let alone even knowing if your parents are going to be alive oh absolutely and you're thinking oh i never thought i would graduate college let alone have my mom there

to see me graduate at 70 fucking two it's pretty fucking sweet it's it's amazing just i mean be able to be able to procrastinate that long and still impress your mom yeah like what prompted that like how how bad are things going i mean he's probably retired he's probably bored he's 72 yeah i want to watch movies, cinema. He was watching all the old... The good stuff like Breaking Bad. Remember? Yeah. Zach hasn't seen it.

Game of Thrones. Yeah. I'm not going to know. Come on. You can do it. I was going to say he's watching Charlie Chaplin movies. Oh, studying them? He's thinking that's what cinema is.

Yeah, he's like, silent films? That's the future. That's the future, baby. That's going to take us out of World War II. No, we're out. We're out, Sam. I found something fun on the internet. You want to see it?

Yeah. All right, Zach, you fucking do it! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple.

Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Hey, look what I found. Hey, look what I found. That's the AI talking. It is. That's before AI.

What's it going to be like soon? Yeah, that was just like something. It's some program from the 90s. Short and sweet for what I found on the internet this week for you My guy I know you don't golf Yeah I do When's the last time you went

I don't golf anymore But I used to golf a lot Just because I didn't want to go golfing with you Stop it When's the last time It's like I know you don't have sex like i used to i did once or twice dude i used to do it all the time yeah yeah i mean not much in the last 20 years but i'm getting there about as much as i golf exactly that's fuck you uh but

they make socks i mean they're cock socks So it looks like Your penis is hanging out the bottom of your pants Zach you want to bring it up Maybe Brad can see it on the screen Isn't that funny That's pretty funny And then It's so stupid

And it's so funny He's like hey take your shoes off Like you sure Like go to like you know someone's house for an event you're like i don't know if you want that like what do you mean that's just fucking your your dicks hanging up the bottom of your pant leg yeah you go to someone's house oh that's a vein with the very bottom one yeah oh that's it yeah go to the very bottom there look at that look at the veins i'm gonna get in there One second Zooming in for Looks like a

Looks like a What's the Who made the maps? Looks like What? Those old maps The books What's the name?

No It's the Piri Reis Penis map What? I don't know The That name

It looks like E.T.'s They used to make the maps Looks like E.T.'s index finger. That's what it looks like. You guys know the guy who makes the maps? Atlas. Is it Atlas?

Is it Carmen Sandiego? Who the fuck's making these maps? I love that's the reference. You pulled out? McNally? Yeah! Is it you pulled out. McNally? Yeah. Okay.

Is it McNally? Well, like Rand McNally. Probably McMappy? Rand. Is it McDonald's? McMammoth? The McMammoth is back. Isn't it Rand McNally?

Doesn't he make toilets? Dude, I think Rand McNally makes urinals. It could be. Maybe his dad, John McNally, was the guy. Rand McNally. Mr. John Hung McNally? It's an American technology and publishing company that provides maps.

Oh, yeah, Rand McNally is the map guy. I'm the map. I'm the map. I'm the map. Founded in 1856. Who doesn't know Mr. Ron McNally? rand rand mcnally like you get it um let's see urinal maker i know there's like a standard john toilet yep mr crapper but don't you know he didn't make urinals every maintenance person person's like, please. That was Tom Urinal.

That was Tom Urinal. Long John Tom. He's like, you're in trouble if you don't know the answer to this one. Get it? I get it. Because urinal. Are we going to sit here? Are we waiting for you to look up urinal stuff?

No, we can move on. Zach, do it, please. Hey, you guys! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Oh, fuck.

I think you should read this. Out of all... Out of all references in your brain, you're like, that's a map maker? That's how my brain works. Weird shit like that. Yeah, it's the map maker. What? my brain works Weird shit like that Yeah it's the map maker What? Mr. Map Maker Mr. Map Maker

Okay so we only have one hey guys this week Cause it's a doozy it's a big one It's a big ol' one And it's coming in from our daughter Caitlin Who writes Caitlin with a Y Who writes Hi fathers Your Kentucky fried daughter here

I'm fucking hungry, dude. Yeah. I just want to start off by saying I love the podcast. Heart. I've been working on catching up here since I finished all of Is Be Dumb, and I'm almost there. I work nine hours a day in a sewing factory and listen to music or podcasts the entire time.

My coworkers always know when I have you guys playing because I'm laughing out loud like a crazy person. Sometimes so hard I cry and I have to stop sewing. That's good. They're like, back to work! Because she was pulled landscaping duty. She's like, hey! No laughing!

These seams aren't going to fucking sew themselves. Is he the horn? Fucking horn? Sew your shit! You're not caulking out fucking caitlin i've had a few things saved to send i'm sorry it's a long email but here we go okay so when joe played the roxanne again this is back to back episode zach we got you have to listen to it please please remind me to send you this we mentioned it last week you're gonna love it and i'm gonna explain it rocks all right but it's only rock song i nearly died from laughter and went down a rabbit hole of edited songs and found this one that i very much enjoy and i hope you guys do too uh of course now that it is on the show it's not fucking opening here we go hold on this is this is good i'm gonna skip

around a little bit but it's sexy backxy Back by Justin Timberlake. It's going to be me. Mr. Timberlake, huh? But it is put to the Home Depot soundtrack. Oh, yeah. And it's better than you could ever imagine. I'm bringing sexy back. Yeah.

The mother borns don't know how to act. Yeah. I think it's special what's behind your back So turn around and I'll pick up the slack Take a bridge Dirty babe You see these shackles baby I'm your slave Go ahead and go with it

Go ahead and go with it Go ahead and go with it Go ahead and go with it Dude. That's groovy. It's so good. Yeah. It works. I'm going to drop that down in the background. I'll keep reading.

The picture, it's Justin's face on there, and it says Justin on his apron. Also, on one of the episodes, you guys discussed scenarios where a doctor gives no fucks about anything. It reminded me of the time I took my husband to our local ER. My husband is highly allergic to poison ivy But also loves the outdoors So naturally he deals with it a lot She put a lot together Sorry Maybe that was on purpose

This time it had gotten on his face And his eyes were swollen shut And his EpiPen was expired So we rushed him to the hospital And they got him into the ER room quickly I love the idea of that happening. He's like, check the expiration date. He's like, I'm literally about to die.

Please tell me that thing didn't go bad in March. Will you smell it to see if it's bad? Will you do it with the milk? I swear to God, if that thing expired in March, I swear to fucking God, Caitlin. So the insurance rep came in to take his information and while he was doing that, the doctor literally ran into the room out of breath, hatefully asked me and my husband why we came to the ER when we didn't have an emergency,

and we should have went to the urgent care. Yeah. Why the fuck are you here? Can you imagine? Just bent over. You guys didn't have to come here. And now I'm tired. And I've got shit to do.

And we should have gone to the ER or the urgent care. In the middle of that. Iron Man. Right. The ER and the urgent care was all the way across town. Then he ran out of the room. The insurance guy said that was extremely uncalled for. Gave us a number to call and report the doctor. Why did he run out of the room the insurance guy said that was extremely uncalled for gave us a number to call and report the doctor why do you run out of the room one second he goes i gotta save some lives

and you guys if someone dies tonight this is on you it's on you it's on you caitlin with a y and your blood's on your hands and your expired epien and he turns around and just runs kicks the door in kicks the door out I'm coming people that matter somebody's got to fix that people that matter and actually need me I'm on my way

he's looking at him while he's saying that yeah whisper sign somebody actually has an emergency I guess I'll I guess I'll leave

these people who don't have shit to do so the insurance rep said it was streaming called for gave us a number to call to report the doctor which I think is

there's a hotline for that it's like one of those driving when you're driving and there's like a semi how's my how's my driving how's my doctoring how's my savoring did I save you today scale one to five make sure you fill in the bubble completely here's a number two pencil on our way out

we see the same doctor you're standing at the nurse's desk talking shit about us. To the nurse. Sorry, this is all caps. Sorry, my husband, severe allergic reaction. Inconvenience to you, doctor! He was hitting on the desk lady. He's like, I'd be down here

fucking filling all your holes if these guys had an EpiPen that was up to date. Epi-Mic-Expiration. So close. that's something epi mc expiration date am i right that sounds like a doctor joke you're like what hey you'd be pregnant right now if these fuckers had a fucking epi mc expiration baby inside of you right now um so i typed that in all caps so you can hopefully hear Joe scream it. Major, am I bothering you vibes.

I'll call back. I also wanted to quickly address the episode where someone submitted a story of Kentucky hunters skidding deers three feet from the hunter pool or from the hotel pool. Oh, yeah. Remember that? Yep. Walking into a dystopian nightmare, going for a dip and just hanging deer on the fence. Oh, I forgot about that story.

I'm from the southern end of Kentucky. Ah, shit. Someone stop that blood. All right, kids, here's a deer tongue. Dive for it. Like using this like a diving ring. I'm from the southern end. Somebody get the femur.

Here, you got it. Ripping the fucking skin off. Another day at the pool. I'm from the southern end of Kentucky, and I can confirm during deer season, you are very likely to see half-skinned deer hanging from trees in people's front yards and hunters in town with dried blood on them all from the day's kill. It's normal here. When I was a kid, I never thought twice about it,

so I guess that also fits in with things you think are normal for everyone until you get older. Yeah. That's a good one. I've got some work-related uh accident horror stories i bet in a sewing factory uh what's your nickname frankenstein and that's frankenstein two and that's frankenstein three just everyone's why do you call them that just all the cell marks up their arm. People sewing their fingers together and shit. But it happens. So save those another time.

Keep on keeping on. Yeet, yeet. Yeet, yeet. Man. Great email. That was fantastic. A lot of good stuff in there. She hit on a lot of previous things we've talked about, too, which is really funny because

I forgot about some of those things. Absolutely love it. That was show 51 Are we celebrating the year one tomorrow? Are we celebrating Ichiro? Ichiro's number is 51 And Randy Johnson Right behind me

How pissed are you that I was at the Mariners game When they won the walk-off hit in the 10th? Well I was pissed because you asked me if I wanted to go And I couldn't And the reason I couldn't go is because my kid's graduating preschool Something that anybody can do Super cum laude or whatever it was super cum laude super cum loudly oh yeah well that's i mean you should have missed that for sure i've been to plenty of american games and i'm going the all-star game in july so me too

which one july go to the home run derby too everything we got two strips you're going what yeah sure i'll go i don't give a shit zach you want to go to the Home Run Derby too? Everything. We got two strips. You're going? Yeah, sure. I'll go. I don't give a shit. Zach, you want to go? Yep. You like sports? Good luck. Hit balls?

Oh, good luck. Indeed. Good luck. Let me put in a call. Yeah. Hold that fucking... I had to get season tickets two years in a row just so I could get access to be able to buy strips and you're going to end up just there with better seats.

I will. I'll wave back to you. You'll probably catch a ball though though, because you're farther up. We're about to hit it here, cafe. We're right in the home run territory. Yeah. If there's a left-hander, hopefully. Kind of.

I'm going to put a net up. I'm going to pay to have a net put up in front of that cafe because I catch all the balls. I'll sell them. Taking my oldest son. Oh, are you? Okay. That'll be fun. I think we should all go.

We should all go to try to go. Well, I am going. You can try. No. Why don't we just pick a baseball game that's not going to have like impossibilities to get in? That's true. We can just go to a Mariners game.

Let's go to. I like that too. When they're playing the Indians. But then I don't get to show up Joe. Do you have a team, Zach? Baseball team? Baseball team. Yeah, I like the Tampa Bay Rays.

Aren't you wearing a Yankees hat? I like the Yankees too. I guess. Yeah, that was the Yankees playing. I remember because I saw that and I was like, ah, fucking Yankees hat? I like the Yankees too. I guess. Yeah, that was the Yankees playing there. I remember because I saw that and I was like, ah, fucking Yankees.

Because every time Yankees come to town in Seattle, there's more Yankee fans than there are Marin fans. It drives me nuts. It's just a cool hat, dude.

It is a cool hat. It is a cool hat. Cool design. Anytime the Blue Jays, because of Canada, Red Sox, and Yankees come, they outnumber Seattle fans

and it's really... It was close. There was a lot of rebuttal at the game that I guess went to. Like, let's go again. And everyone's like, man, there's a good thing. Yeah, because there's a bunch of people from Seattle who are all Yankees fans because it's easy to be a Yankees fan. Easy.

If you're from New York and you're a Yankees fan, it's a little bit tougher. But if you're a Yankees fan from anywhere else, it's really easy to be a Yankees fan. True. My family's from New York. Does that count for anything? Yeah, it does. I mean, that's why I'm a Cleveland fan. I'm not saying you can't be a Yankees fan.

I'm just saying it's much easier to be a Yankees fan. Like, it's hard to be a Marist fan and be from here. It's fucking... It's so hard. Yeah. But it's easy to be a Yankees fan. Yeah, because they win. Yeah.

You get it. Except for the game I was at. Come here, guys. Episode 51. Fuck this thing. Let's get out of here. We've got to do some shit. I've got to pick up Ezra soon.

Be a part of the gaggle. Sign up. Patreon.com. Can You Don't Podcast. Of course, we've got the socials. We've got YouTube. Send something in. You want to see it on the show.

Petty beef. Whatever. Fuck it. Hey, guys. It can you don't podcast.com. Thanks to... and i haven't i haven't talked to anybody about this but it feels right to me i want to say thanks to uncle zach yes uncle like we got we got the daddies and we're not i mean we're not paulie i mean i guess

we could have three daddies oh i thought you mean paulie from like uh jersey shore and we're not paulie shore i don't really want to be the creepy uncle i'm not sure no you're like you are the but you're not but i mean but you don't touch okay like you don't do the touchy stuff people are like uh wait do i have three dads now and as much as i want to be three men and a baby yeah and a bunch of kids i think the uncle thing is pretty i'd rather be an uncle to be honest and there's some there's some good uncles out there yeah they're get to do the fun shit You get to be creepy

No one cares Like Disneyland They start crying You give it back Like if dad's creepy It's weird But if uncle's like Eh it's just your uncle

That's just society That's acceptable So Zach you in? I'm in Alright Thanks to Uncle Zach For producing That's what he said

That's what Uncle Zach said Thanks to Uncle Zach For producing today's show And all of them Be sure to check out Scatcast.com All the podcasts That Zach does Go to scatcast producing today's show and all of them. Be sure to check out... Scatcast.com. Oh! The podcast that Zach does.

Go to scatcast.com. There's a ton of them. Thanks to the babysitters that run our Facebook page. Love it. And then we have a little joke on the back end before we get off to the bonus stuff. You ready for it? I am so ready. I fucking bet you are.

Zachy, push the button. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Hi. What do you call a girl who's good at darts oh a marriage uh wifey material yeah wife material no amy oh get it she's like all i do is dart and blow dudes right i'm almost out of i'm also out of dudes i mean if we made that shirt would anybody buy it we've been talking about it for a shirt i came in to play darts and eat pussy and i'm all out of pussy would anybody buy it i mean i'd wear it if i was in a dart league yeah where do you wear it besides you probably get probably get it at Target Yeah I get it

Dart it Dart dart dart No No that's fine just target Okay Fine Or all I do is dart No all I do is dart

That's fine too Okay we'll work on it Alright kids goodbye If you're part of the gaggle We'll keep talking You do the sexy, I think.