Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Janitor. String Cheese. Umpire. Star Wipe.

Episode Date: July 5, 2023

Have you ever been watching porn, had something catch you off guard, and then just end up laughing instead of finishing? Joe will explain. Let's talk about that, a drunk magician who just pisses all over a stranger, Bryan not being sure what cheddar cheese looks, Lance Armstrong hanging a pair of balls off his bike, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/Oka-J6oKDzUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Janitor, String Cheese, Umpire, Star Wipe Wow, what a hole What? Sorry, my brain, I was going to be like, wow, what a hole what sorry my brain i was gonna be like wow what a week but then i but then home alone snuck in but a hole oh man you'd home alone when marv falls through the floor and he's looking up through the oh you're talking about home alone 2 yo sorry you always quote 2 i know he falls he falls through and he goes wow what a hole so when i was thinking wow what a week mar was like no you're gonna say this now if you mentioned if you quoted number one i would have got it right away okay well i'll work on that i gotta go back i just gotta go

back a little bit farther. But I feel like number two is one of the only sequels that was better than one. Yes. And that scream when that spider is in the spider ant tube. That's number one. God damn it. But number two is the scream when he's getting shocked down in the basement holding the sink handles.

Yes. Number one is when he puts a trench on his face. He's like. It's just terrible that sync scene is one of the funniest things i've ever seen though he starts singing and shit okay anyway let's move on episode 55 i'm sure you got a sports you got a jersey guy what are you doing what When he hits him with the crowbar? Sorry. Oh, yeah. What are you doing?

Muff. Muff. Anyway, what were you saying? I was asking if you had a sports reference for 55. Oh, yeah. Isn't it Kimi Matumbo? 55? It's free.

Yeah. I mean, I found it. Wagging the finger? I knew you'd have somebody. Junior Seau. Okay. I go Junior Seau. Kimi Matumbo.

Double nickel. Double nickel? My only reference to that Is like a dude that Never played On my high school basketball team He was 55 I feel like the higher numbers get

In basketball The worse you are Right? It is kind of that Well any sport Yeah like If you're number 92 Yeah

You're on the practice squad Well a lot of the guys There are high numbers When they're like spring training And then So like Adam Aaron Judge He's still 99 yeah it doesn't apply across the board but yeah but there are outliers 77 who luca don 677 yeah they're they're outliers gotcha okay fine fine you guys disproven i'm very excited for today's show are you yes uh it's gonna be a

nice escape from uh whatever the hell is going on in everybody's lives. Nothing. If you subscribe to Patreon, you get the additional content on the back end of every episode. Thanks to everybody who has signed up. By the time this episode comes out, we might be at 300, but we're damn close. Damn close. So go to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. See something on the show, you just send it in.

Hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com. And I swear to fucking God, you can't podcast see something on the show you just send it in hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and i swear to fucking god you can't make this up over the past week guess what brian you were on the same messages i got yeah uh what's the chances more hot air balloon disasters very good chance it's a very very good chance uh one ran into a power line and i mean that's like two two fears of mine biggest fear to die is getting cooked from the inside out being like electrocuted like brutally electrocuted is terrifying to me hot dog in a microwave yes awful and then you add a hot air balloon and then getting electrocuted to death i don't even know if he's died but it looked like he did uh which isn't funny but maybe he didn't i don't care and then the other one is a dude was trying to prove how safe hot air balloons are and built one and then went up and

caught on fire and died yes like what is what is happening it's complete it's i had no idea what was gonna do this when you talked about it um it was kind of just like a joke and then we started getting into like how how is this even a thing how is it legal how do people not more people die and then we looked it up we're like oh not many people die it's like one a year okay but then turns out i don't know who's keeping those statistics or is it all happening right now some yeah someone's fudging them someone's like the hot air ballooners the ballooner somebody's cooking the books there's a ballooner union and they're like dude we cannot balloonion the balloonion they're trying to dude the lobbyists the ballooner lobbyists they're like they're always like they're trying to get there to lobby

and they're oh they're just flying all over the place i can't make it like no one's ever in meetings they're always going sorry gonna be a couple hours late the balloon we'll try it we'll try it again tomorrow guys sorry the wind just wasn't in our favor and all these like politicians are like walking out of the building and balloons are just flying by they're like we'll be here we'll see you tomorrow it looks like there's a meeting looks like there's a meeting and then this is not so bad but it's still funny to me this was sent in it's a hot air balloon story from our son rj says hey dicks i'm a few episodes behind but the hot air balloon talk brought me back to a very embarrassing event it may be a bit long but fuck it me and my girlfriend at the time were walking to see the construction of our old house

i wanted to see what they were putting up. They cleared a few houses and it was an open lot. On the side of the lot was a roll of some building material and I suggested we get busy. What's such a man thing? He sees a roll of sod and he's like, we should fuck on it. Really what it is is like, no kid, no one around. No one around. Yeah.

I mean, nothing fires me up like a roll of carpet. So she pulled down her pants, but left her shoes on. And I wiggled my way in between her and her pants. Now, that was just a funny description. Wiggled in. Don't. Excuse me. Mr. Wiggly.

Excuse me. Who's the Mr. Wiggles? Don't mind if I do. We were going at it, and i heard the burner ignition and looked up oh no what if you're fucking and you hear you hear you're like hey what'd you say i didn't say anything what and i heard you like you said something so i heard the burner ignition and looked up what i saw was a hot air balloon below tree height trying to land in the open construction area it wouldn't be that bad but i made eye contact with someone on the balloon

they got to watch us try to untangle ourselves in a panic, trying to get away before the recovery crew arrived. I will never forget the sound of the burner. Love your podcast, RJ. Like, imagine of all the nightmares you could have. But there's so many. Yeah. Like, I mean, insects, murder, like villains. You watch a movie, you're scared like the ring lady is going to jump out of the TV. All the nightmares.

Jason's going to. And RJ is going over. Like he has PTSD over a hot air balloon burner. You know, I think we talked about this before. Like when you're asleep or half asleep and you think you hear like a loud bang and you wake up and you're like, what the hell was that? Exploding head syndrome. I just picture that. He runs over, looks to the window, looks up.

He wakes up. He's like, there's no way there's a hot air balloon. And then the one time he's finally convinced himself that it's not a hot air balloon. And he hears one hit the fucking power lines outside. He's like, there's no way and then the the window lights up hot air balloon crashes in his yard. He's like fuck honey Thought about this until right now Remember in Wizard of Oz like that's how they're supposed to get back. We're like the right a hot air balloon right he just and then

it just takes off yeah they i mean it because it un it unties or whatever it just takes off that's the only he's like i i'm sorry that's the only part of that movie that i didn't believe yeah yeah the rest of it i'm like good yeah the rest of this i'm like yeah this could be this probably based on a true story and in the hot air balloon scene i'm like this is bullshit there's no way they know where they're going there's no there's no fucking we're going back to kansas how do you know how do you know you're going to kansas good luck good life you believe in magic be like not a fucking hot air balloon helicopters are fucking stupid too but show me how those work you had me with the lollipop kids you had me with the magic shoes you had me with the talking robot and scarecrow hot air balloon robot

the tin man yeah sorry and a lion i picture him practicing for that role and that's what he was doing um fuck anyway so hot air balloons keep them coming because they they're not disappointing they are wonderful i mess with the basket you get the casket someone made a i saw that we'll talk about it next week it's because we've been going on for a bit here this week okay uh but someone yeah someone made something really cool based off uh what mr flannery gave us last week so sorry. Sorry. No, thank you. It's wonderful. Gave us a gift. All right, let's fucking do it.

Zach! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. All right. You ready to start the show, Joe? I'm ready. I'm right here. I'm ready.

I'm waiting. All right, this is a combo between Otmar. I'm not ready. Stop. Okay. Just kidding. Okay. Just kidding. Oh, phew. Fuck y'all. I'm ready. I'm waiting. All right. This is a combo between I'm already stopped. Okay, just kidding. Okay, just kidding Oh, phew. I felt y'all felt it was like a little bit. Oh, what happened? What's on fire? You heard of my life is on fire. Fuck this just so you know He's exact I love exact like I love you guys keep going but I guess her to fucking

We're like shit we just run outside to see what it is. You've got to see this. It's a Darth Vader balloon. I think we should do... We'll get into this. We should do a remote podcast from an air balloon. But anyway, we're going to go. Nope.

Would you rather... Oh, this is between Otmar and us. It's a little bit of a combination. All righty. Would you rather have bouncy shoes that are unpredictable, which means you will go bouncing off at any moment. Just any moment, you can just bounce off. Man, that's funny.

The bounciness doesn't change depending on footwear. It's always the same. Okay. Or never be able to jump at all. Ooh. Gal. This is a fun one. I mean, first off, the first thing that came to my mind was that we both have what i i call

drummer leg where you just you're always bouncing your leg that's why the chair is always going can you imagine like if you're if we were sitting here and you're just fidgety and bouncing your feet and then all of a sudden you just go and it's smashed through the ceiling yeah like you're on like a pogo stick all the time yeah but you but you don't know. You don't know when the pogo is going to pogo. And a bounce is unpredictable. It says it's always the same. So we have to define parameters on what is the bounciness. How high do you go?

How many feet are we looking at? Well, I think that's part of it. You just don't know. So it could be a two-inch bounce. It could be a 500-foot bounce. Because then I'm not jumping at all because you're for sure dead well i i read it as like you do like you're not jumping you're just walking or you're like laying in bed right but once it bounces if it's on there's not a limit on the height of the bounce that i'm picking no bounce i'm just never jumping again like that would be

my choice on this but i feel like it has to top out. Like, you're going to be safe. You're going to be safe. Let's say it's 10 foot. Yeah, that's up there. But I'm in. That's about a roof, like, a roof house. Yeah, dangerous.

A little high. And then how, I mean, it says unpredictable. I'd like to define, is it like once a day? Could it be three days in a row? And then it won't happen for two years you're just adjusting to your bounceless life and then you hit your fucking head through a ceiling fan you're gonna want vaulted ceilings i think yeah you're gonna want a lot of stuff well you just go into anywhere like imagine just going into somebody else's house and you're like what

do you got you got vault ceilings in here what do you got yeah i'm not stepping there's no way i'm coming in there i don't like the look of that fan yeah like certain jobs oh man how funny is that i don't for whatever i don't know why i pictured this but uh i'm working at lowe's and things have been great maybe if it was high as i would work there yeah big ceiling yeah and then right because lowe's right and uh oh yeah yeah it's called highs i'm in and uh you know you can work there because the ceilings are high and that's a relief and you haven't bounced man you just you thought maybe you the life has moved on the curse is broken and you're helping somebody carry a piece of wood you're having a conversation you have any big weekend plans

you're helping him carry a couple sheets of plywood yeah he's like hey car right over here he's like yeah he's walking he's like do you guys have a buyer and he just throwing all the sheets into the sky they're spinning flying through the sky fucking face yeah sorry sorry like what the fuck that'd be so yeah crazy confusing but any job like what even just an office job you get up and walk to the printer you're like yeah no one second just take a step away from the customer and shoot through the ceiling like that is so funny restaurant yeah can i take your order yeah i'll have that and you take one step, like, anything for, yeah! Just fucking, pfft. Just silverware noises.

Like, what the fuck? The sound of, you know, when someone drops a plate or something and everyone turns. Yeah, what the fuck? But that would just be your life. It's your restaurant, though, and there's just 40 holes in the roof? Yeah. You just call it, like, what, hole-in-one? I don't know, you have to have become a cool name that seems like it's part of the theme but you're not

you just every now and again you make a new hole in the ceiling there's a record player record store here called 18 holes i love that like something like that yeah something like that so that is shooting a porn yeah right you're lay in pipe and all of a sudden, let's change positions. You're like, oh yeah, stand up. Okay. Bye. Yeah. Oh my God. That's funny.

Can you imagine if you, if you unintentionally took someone else on your journey, like you're doing the standup sex move and you like lose your balance and take one like step to get your balance back and just fucking skyrocket your naked bodies through the ceiling? Could you finish? Not after that. But you'd have to refinish your drywall. You gotta do your job. Well, yeah.

But I think it depends on who hit the rafter and who didn't. If it's a guy hitting a rafter, he's finishing. Right. He's like, I'm sorry. Did that kill the mood? No.

No, keep going. Have you seen those mountain climber porn things? I ran across that one time where they're hundreds of feet in the air having sex on lines. Like the tantrum on the lines? Yeah. I haven't seen that, but I get it. Jesus Christ. Just do drugs like the rest of us.

Right. Just put it in. It's bad enough those guys that they're climbing something and they camp on the side of the mountain for the night. They're hanging on. They're in yosemite yeah there's el capitan just sheer and you're just like i can't be friends with this but now and i now picture like you just and you're watching the rope yeah stretch a little bit that's what i'd be doing the whole time they're just like oh do it harder i'm like no like i don't want to do it i have never wanted to come faster in my entire life yeah uh like you're trying to break a record but then

not being able to jump at all would be really awful like that's like how often do you jump now though it depends if you are you am i is a jump walking up some stairs like if i do a hop hop up the stairs that's a jump isn't it you can never skateboard again yep you last picked at the ymca for basketball like is it about uh like you i mean i know a step is different than a jump but you couldn't go up anything like you're running and do a little little hop little hop up a curb it's like no you gotta you gotta walk up that the little ramp good luck jaywalking ever again well or is that considered a step well no i mean even even so like even if that's considered even if i can't do that i mean that's oh i gotta step instead of jump you know yeah i mean it depends on the height i don't i don't jump very often now like when i'm

in my 20s sure but now you ask me that i'm not jumping a lot you're just you're tied to the ground i like i i have two acl surgeries like i'm you know upset i don't find myself jumping very often save it for the ball game just for the ball game yeah right so no jumping whatsoever like a kid's like come on dad a life or death situation like dad it's one foot jump seriously at the window yeah your room is on fire you could fall out the window like i'll be there in a second and just fucking you just put your arms out just lean out like backwards like just roll like fuck jump i can't you know i know it's scary i but you can't no i know i mean i can't literally can't physically can't jump why it's this whole thing i had this one believe me i don't want to

be set on fire and if i could jump i would jump i i'm gonna think about this one i'm gonna pick i'm gonna pick like uh like you were leaning towards and i'm sure a lot of other people no jump at all but i'm gonna take note moving forward because i think there's some shit that we're missing about the jump stuff that how often you jump there might be something in there like we're there's a certain situation that would we would all agree is considered a jump. And we're just fucking it up right now. The only thing that I can think of is getting on a boat from a dock or something. Bye!

You can take a big step. But if you got a jump, maybe you shouldn't be doing that anyway. Yeah, that's true. You know what I mean? See, something went wrong if you're leaping into a boat. Yeah, like you should never have to leap into a boat. Yeah. I mean, sometimes it happens.

And I guess just circle back around and get me. I'm going with not jump. I have to. But I'm going to keep my eyes open. If you guys are, if our kids are seeing something, send it in. There's probably something we're missing. There has to be. But I just, like I said, it's a matter of perspective.

You asked me 20 years ago, this might be more difficult. Now, I feel like it's not jumping. I feel like I don't need to jump anymore. Age is a big thing. I'm okay with that. Like if I was still playing sports, basketball's gone. Like all sports are gone. I mean, unless you're really good at free throws.

A really happy celebration looks goofy without jumping. Mm-hmm. Like, you're just like... You're at an office and they're all taking pictures. Like, oh, let's do one where we all jump. Everyone jumps. I quit. You just put in your two weeks?

Yeah. And the guy don't. Sorry. You ruined the Toyotathon fucking commercial. Right. Right. But like, yeah, I guy don't sorry you ruined the toyota thon fucking commercial right right but like yeah i'm so proud of you and you're standing still and standing straight up and punching your arms your kids like i don't know if you are it is weird if you take certain things out of like a celebration no yeah it's all the same or or like it's like in movies if you take

music out of a celebration or something you know like that music adds so much to it so much drama so if you take a jump out of the team scoring the game winning point or something like that everyone runs in there but like you can't jump like it's just that changes everything it's a funny world like you first thing you do is jump with your arms in the air and then run out to greet the people and if you can't do that you just run jump with your arms in the air and then run out to greet the people and if you can't do that you just run out with your arms in the air yay like it's just so a lot a lot of power is lost like you go to a live sporting event and just take away all the music not nearly as fun and then take away all the jumping fuck it all right okay but if you guys know something

you're hearing something we're missing hey guys at can you don't podcast.com do you uh what was that uh zach do you have a preference a choice nope because we're i mean we're all old like we're middle-aged dicks yeah yeah we're picking no jumps yeah there's no jumping in barbecue so i don't know why i would need to do that there's no jumping in baseball that's not there's no jumping in podcasting so I don't know why I would need to do that. There's no jumping in baseball. There's not. There's no jumping in podcasting. I'm a podcaster. I'm set. The only thing I do is jump to conclusions anymore.

That's the only jumping I do. Welcome to the party, bro. Imagine Van Halen. Yeah! Van Halen wrote the song after they couldn't do it. Stand. It's like, step far. Arms up. Might as well. Stand. It's like, step far. Arms up.

Might as well. Step. Put your hands up. Back. Get your bed in. Get. Oh, stand up.

Oh, you, oh, wait, give me some David. I got it. Oh, yeah. You gotta give him,

who, which one is which? Push the button and then let Brian do it and see if they can guess. Okay. You gotta do it randomly. All right.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, I added the oh. It's very close. It was close. Oh, yeah. We're proud of you.

We're going to put you in the competition for the best version of that. Okay. There's an oh, yeah, America's Got Talent version. I'm going to put you in there. Oh. Wait. No. Oh.

Yeah. All that. It was already canceled. And you're cut all right let's move on all right zach you play the thing for me hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about oh well what are you thinking about if there's if there's anything i've learned about the podcast world is how much like i'm just shameless to talk about almost anything in my life i'm just i mean whatever and every time you do people get it they relate this is what they like

this is what they like and here we fucking go They don't like it all the time, just saying. Yeah, yeah. So this last couple, like, stretch of days leading up to us recording this has been pretty stressful. And being a dude yourself, when things get a little stressful, you start fucking tugging your dick a little more. Like, you're looking for a dopamine rush. Like an escape from the stress. Trying to to think if i do or if it's the opposite for me i don't know well you just start crying no but just like don't have like i don't like my dick yeah when you get all stressed your nuts go up in your adam's apple you guys both like don't use jerk off to sometimes distract yourself from shit i mean if it works i just scared it's

like a little consciously like damn i forgot you guys are both in your 40s so my old let me restart my dick still works and no i'd love a good jerk sesh believe me but i'm trying to think like if i'm stressed out or worked up like if i'm if that's even a thing on your mind yeah all right well fucking leave me out here that's not how blood diverts yeah but for me i will use it as a distraction. I mean, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. It's just a thing. So the last little stretch.

I'm not judging you, Joe. No, no, it's fine. I'm not judging you guys just because your dicks don't work. So jerking off a little more than normal for this last week. What's more than normal? Like at least 20 times a day. For real? I don't know. Like normal would be, be i don't know once every couple days something like that more living by yourself now but like once a day yeah sure let's throw that as an average about that no i mean like now is that oh this last stretch yeah

are you jerking off right now i am coming i just came uh yeah sure we'll go with once a day and then sometimes maybe throw in two because you're fucking work from home and you're alone. I'm just an old guy. Yeah. If your situations change a little bit and you're by yourself, home alone, you probably up your jerk off sessions a little bit. You ever get, oh, sorry. You're like, it's like the afternoon.

You're like, oh yeah, I haven't. You're thinking, oh no, I haven't done that yet today. you're like it's like the afternoon you're like oh yeah i haven't you're thinking oh no i haven't done that yet today you're like sweet sometimes if you are done like yeah already done it should i yeah go twice i don't know if you haven't you're like yes yeah fuck yeah dude all right anyway keep your keep your pride intact i but in one of these sessions just by by myself like really like really started laughing so you have to picture a naked joe i might have had a shirt on and i'm and i'm jerking off and where i don't like where this is going i want to stop in my bed i'm in my bed okay and i'm watching some porn and so here here i am and then picture your phone or on TV? On my phone.

I want to be in the room with you. I wish you were. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah! And during one of these sessions, Nalgis picture a grown-ass man, already kind of sad,

jerking off by himself with a shirt on in the bed. Just like this picture. Holding his phone. And like he didn't go in happy so he's kind of sad right and i'm looking at my phone and i'm watching this porn and i did not know how funny it is when they don't necessarily have the same production that you're expecting so the particular porn i was watching they were doing some anal sex um there was maybe the biggest thing i've ever seen going inside uh an asshole that looks just like any other asshole right and they're

doing it and then out of nowhere like there's no warning this production department decided to do a star wipe transition out of the girl's butthole right i mean just i mean if you're not familiar with the star wipe it starts from the middle and does a star shape towards the screen and then cuts to the next the next scene or whatever it is i think yep oh nice yeah jack's doing it right now just like that if you're watching on youtube in so college so if people don't know what a wipe is like a trans it's yeah because you're talking about porn and wipe so gotcha it's like a transition like an old school transition on a t on a video where it goes so yeah i mean you can have like the cool 3d ones and like spin and typically in porn it's either just a straight we just go to the next thing or it's a crossfade

always crossfade always right so those are the two star wars crossfade the i mean first of all threw me off and i started laughing and i was like that was so funny and i went back and watched it again like to make sure that i saw it correctly because whoever was editing it not only put in the star wipe transition they moved the point and put it in the asshole yes and so i'm here and i just just this trans and it wasn't fast like it was slowed down and you just watched the star wipe come out of the butt and i started like cry laughing because the more i it evolved of different transitions like how important tradition is in porn oh yeah expect that. Expect that. You expect certain things. Got that?

You're like, okay, well, first they're going to kiss, then she's like, dick. And then like, he maybe might eat her out. Close up on the dude's face. Yeah, that, blah, blah, blah. Do the sex. And you kind of have a, you have a plot. Yeah. You have a game plan heading in.

You know where to fast forward to. You're like, okay, right about here, anal. And to have a star wipe come out of a butthole was when i was eye opening unexpected and i i appreciated it in picturing other sources your videography background in your editing background i was like damn that was a creative choice yeah i mean got my attention but all the funny transitions that are out there if you started throwing those in porn yeah oh my god or even in a tense scene in a movie like picture i don't know the departed like what huge plot twist you haven't seen it yet just do the the killing at the end and he shoots them and then out of that

scene is a star wipe like it just sucks all the sadness out like a it's uh it ruins everything well star wars has the circle wipe yeah that starts and you know and it looks weird now but it makes sense for back then but i imagine like that even that little circle wipe coming up out of her butthole how awesome that would have been sweet like you wish i had three i wish i had 3d goggles on yeah whoa what i'm curious is that pink sock will poke me in the eye what was the what was the what were they doing sex yeah but like what was the position in the first part doggy anal okay and then what did it wipe too i think just her riding him okay so it transitioned from a different position a whole different thing yeah but it's pretty good.

What if, what if the star wipe was there and it did it, but it just went to the same scene. Like it didn't cut at all. Didn't do anything. It just, no, no cut. It just accented the asshole. The whole time you're watching a porn, like every three seconds is a star wipe, but nothing ever changes. It'd be trippy.

You'd probably go crazy. Probably come. So what I want to know here since we're i'm invested in this now oh uh there was no vests oh go ahead yeah i see yeah you weren't wearing a vest so you could look at your biceps like a leather vest no clothes on just a leather leather gloves it's just a leather vest and it's just me with a leather vest on no pants and sadly jerking it leather tipless condom oh my god badass downstairs so a hat oh no the opposite of a hat yeah it's it's a turtleneck it'd be a leather daddy for your dick the whole outfit it's

a leather uncircumcised yeah it'd look nice it's like a uncir a leather uncircumcised yeah it looked nice it's like a uncircumcised penis simulator classy it's a leather sleeve can we get those made come on in all sizes there's got to be somebody out there that can produce that it has a little like like a well of course that like you have to lace it up on your dick it'll be some lady that knits a nipple too tight you have to tie a little bow on it and gotta get a little old lady to knit it for us someone's grandma had to come over and get sized no they don't tell her what it's for it's what's this for uh bananas the doll i have is a long neck it's a hot dog holder fancy it's a fancy hot dog holder anyway it's a hot dog holder huh fancy it's a fancy hot dog holder anyway it's your hot dog holder hope it fits i'll be 30 dollars but it kind of sounded like crusty yeah crusty the crab

no wow crusty the clown oh what i said crusty the crab close damn i forgot about mr. yeah uh shoot i i here we go again i was gonna ask you something i forgot oh did you wipe did you get to completion or did you just laugh and like lose the mood i laughed and then something else popped up that wasn't my dick and i had to move on yeah and then i wait probably worked from home with my pants off so you never came to complete not that time there's more time because you remember i'm by myself in my house and i'll try this again and give me 30 give me five go out take a take a five minute breather just walk out walk out grab the newspaper with your leather vest on and dong hanging out

that was funny cup of coffee shake the paper out this fucking hey steve steve sleeve dick you're seeing this economy yeah my goodness can you believe what's going on with this whole submarine thing russia am i right you're just nude with a sleeve leather sleeve on your penis fingerless gloves man weather's beautiful uh but yeah i did not i did not really appreciate how funny just mixing up transitions would be in porn. And I hope that if you come across these kids, send them in. I don't care. We're adults here.

You come across a funny transition in porn, you know what? I want to fucking see it. You might not be able to show it on the podcast, but I promise you I will watch it and I will come. Yeah, and we'll comment on it. Yeah. Come on in. It is funny. It doesn't matter if it's porn or not when you take something that you're that you expect and you do something even with like a

podcast like if we're doing a podcast and you deviate at all like how easy it is to pick up on something change up yeah it's like whoa whoa what was that uh what happened yeah yeah like a little like a little spiral like there's all those funny transitions that you see in videos. You're like, somebody just grabbed any of them and threw it in. Like barn doors. Yeah. The barn door opening up into a gang bang.

Like, why is that so funny? The 3D, even the one like where it drops in, it's on fire. Like, and you're like, Oh my God.

Well, you know, it would be funny. And they do this in porn sometimes but I would if you do it with a transition it would be even funnier so sometimes they're just like they'll be talking like oh yeah my husband's out for the day

or whatever and they're just talking and then it just cuts straight to her like upside down like whoa what the hell but imagine like they're talking did I miss something? did i miss something did i skip a head on like nope nope but they do that and then like the star wiper barn doors it just swirls up to the screen oh man uh send it in hey guys at can you know podcast.com speaking of porn stuff we have uh some dick to get to oh yeah

you want to show it off hog it yeahhmm. Hog it? Yeah, I want to show off that hog. Zach, show it off! In the front door. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick.

Dick. A lot of dick stuff today. That's all right. A lot of dick stuff. We haven't done a lot of dick stuff recently. And this kind of I mean this involves a dick.

Oh, cool. A couple dicks. Yay! It involves a dick and the person doing it is a double dick yeah double decker double dicker double dicker double dicker when you mess up twice yeah well i just picture like you know like the double dicker bus oh yeah but i picture one penis this way and the other penis that way on top of it is called a double dicker it's a sandwich that's what it should be like a hot dog with two hot dogs oh man double dicker a hot dog in the middle of two other hot dogs no just a regular hot dog but instead of just one dog it's two dogs it's a double dicker double dicker all right i'm in come in all right show me how the

dicks work man use this airplane passenger as human urinal on flight to Miami. Well, when in Miami. That's what I always say. They weren't in Florida, but it is kind of a Florida thing. They were on their way. He's just trying to blend in. He's like, I got to practice when I get off the plane. That's probably where he lives, and he's used to doing shit like this.

An airline passenger in the business class of section of Emirates flight to Miami last November was sitting next to her husband, trying to get some sleep when she awoke to a warm moist surprise oh boy an obviously very drunk man who had been causing a scene and yelling at airline staff mid-flight was relieving himself all over her wow oh yeah You want to see my passport? What? Here, scan it. Scan my passport. He's got the QR code. He's got the QR code on his dick.

The tattooed QR code. Bring that one back. Hey-o. And he didn't appear to have scruples about it. I'm scrupulous. Scrupulous. Scruples. I've never heard it used like that before.

The scruples? Yeah. According to the lawsuit, the woman recently filed against the airline. The drunken man was in the aisle, leaning on the bulkhead for support and urinating onto her, finishing by shaking shaking his penis the woman says in the pleading so picture picture a guy like at a at a football game or something where they're like the hands up against the wall they're just like that's essentially him with his head on the fucking yeah and just leaning leaning and pissing on somebody yeah or like you wake up in the middle of the night you're just like you're trying like you wake up in the middle of the night,

you're just like, you're trying not to wake up. You know, like that's how casual he was about this. Like, sir, sir, he's like, one second. Like he just thinks he's in there. One second. Only one person can fit in this bathroom. It's like, sir, you're in the aisle. The topper for me was like, this is funny,

but the shaking of his penis because that's the like every guy that takes a piss last thing you do is give a little shake to get any little pee off the end of it and just like that's so casual because it would have been if he's pissing me like yeah you like that and then like whatever like if he was trying to be malicious about it but the fact that he just did it and then was like, Don't want to get any on my pants. Don't want to get any on my pants. Yeah.

Like he had no idea where he was. He had to have. Don't want any drips in my boxers. Yeah. Meanwhile, the stranger is covered in piss. Just sitting there. He's wiping his dick off on her. Just like dabbing the winky.

Like on her shoulder. He's like, oh, you don't mind do you using your shirt like a like a napkin to get the leftover pee off whoa one second okay okay i'm done what do you guys want and so that was the husband trying to go back was the husband asleep too he was he was jerking off yeah because how did he not he's like i'm sleeping yeah we're bugging me but it does say that the woman just started crying and had to change out of her clothes and then remain shock shaking and sobbing for the rest of the flight she's doing that home alone scream yeah what a long flight dubai to miami well that's yeah emirates for you the floor uh the floor around the seat was sopping wet. So the flight moved her around while she remained shocked, shaking and sobbing.

Good stuff. What if it happened again? I've never. Yeah. Like, he does it the same exact way. They're like, you promise not to do it again? Yeah. He's like, nah.

I would never. Yeah, I wouldn't do that. That was crazy. He walks up crazy he walks up wife's not even there gets pissed all over the husband but then still walks back to where the wife is in the back like and then wipes his dick on water and yeah this shakes his shakes his dick off he goes i just it's so like that listen it's one thing like if maybe he was being malicious it's so like the listen I don't know it's one thing like if maybe he was being malicious it's one thing yeah

like how awful that is but the idea that makes it funny is like that he had no idea what he was doing yeah and just the whole drunken

guy like I I've peed outside many times and I've been drunk many times and just gone and take a piss

have you peed in a bad like a dumb spot before uh no but I had friends that piss in a bad, like a dumb spot before? Uh, no, but I had friends that piss in bathtubs, sinks, like at our house. Piss down the stairs. Yeah. I think I have, unfortunately, like pissed in the corner of the house along the way. I can't, maybe I have, I can't recall ever doing that, but I do remember people doing it. And so when I, when I hear that story, that's what I think of just some drunk guy not knowing where he is and not being malicious just like how did he the first place i would start if i was

investigating this would look into how did he get so drunk like was he these infinite drinks well that's drunk drunk yeah and he's and it said he was causing a scene like what scene was he causing so he was obviously a scene but like everyone enjoyed it he was causing a scene like what scene was he causing so he was obviously a scene but like everyone enjoyed it he was like a comedian and then uh he's putting on a performance he's like walking up and down the aisle just fucking strutting juggling like doing magic tricks yeah they didn't say it was a bad scene he said he's putting on a scene making a scene was it bad was it entertaining and? And scene And scene Piss This is part of my magic trick

And for my next trick For my next trick I'm gonna make my I'll make your bladder The pee in my bladder disappear All over this lucky Lucky participant Can I get a

Volunteer from the audience Can I get a volunteer from the audience? Hold on Is she But she's watching She's enjoying the show Yeah She's like me me me Yeah yeah She goes okay You'll do you'll do my next trick i'll make her close what pee what and just

pisses all over that's a funny thing after he's done he's like oh yeah i guess not everyone's watching yeah abracadabra abracadabra you're wet fucking just a nightmare while he's wiping his dick off like honor abracadabra you're wet and he just turns around and fucking throws his hands up does that does that just exhausted so we were just in silverwood recently and they have that they have the magician there and the first they you know when the show first starts he's out there with the cards he's like mr norton yeah and he's just doing the whole fucking thing with the cards and so i visualize like a drunk version of that drunk version of that but like instead of using card he's just like swinging his dick around or

something or throwing all the cards right at kids like just being a fucking in the face everybody in the eyes you get one you at kids like just being a fucking face hitting everybody in the eyes you get one you get one just being a drunk like pisses on the card flinging piss cards everywhere signed it tank it it's weird shit oh that's good all right well let's move on to the to the next piece of dick we got here all right this one is just really funny to me and i know some people that would have done something like this but a janitor heard annoying alarms and turned off the freezer ruining 20 years of school research worth a million dollars god shut up god damn that's so good a university janitor who turned off a freezer after hearing multiple it's's quotes, annoying alarms, ruined more than 20 years of research.

The janitor who is not being sued in the lawsuit was a contractor with Daigle Cleaning Systems Incorporated, who worked for several months in 2020 at a private research university in Troy. The school is seeking more than $1 million in damages and legal fees. Didn't they just say they weren't suing him the janitor who is not being sued whoa they're suing the company gotcha like i'm not going over this i'm not suing this fucking peasant he's not gonna have the money i'm going straight for daggle the lab's freezer contained over 20 years of research including cells uh cultures and samples to which a small temperature fluctuation of three degrees would cause catastrophic damage my god the college does not believe the janitor is at fault but instead blames dagle cleaning systems for failing to properly train and supervise him

but the fact that he was just sitting there and it reminds me of a story that uh that i covered a long time ago and it was about this uh security guard in this art gallery and he i think it was the second day on the job right and he got bored and there was this like painting worth a bunch of money and he just walked over yes and drew eyeballs on it with a pen yes yeah he just just filled them in. Just drew little tiny eyeballs. No one will ever know. Just like, that's so funny. Just like,

oh man, fuck. He's just bored. He's checking his pocket to see if he has any snacks. God, he checks his phone. No notifications.

He's just like whistling and walking around twirling his baton. And he's like, shit, that thing's missing some eyes. Rembrandt's an idiot. He needs some pupils.irling his baton. And he's like, shit, that thing's missing some eyes. Rembrandt's an idiot. He needs some pupils.

Rembrandt, yeah. He just walks over, draws eyeballs on a piece of art. It's the same thing. Like this guy's working. And maybe he was like, let's just say he was like listening to a podcast or some like sweet song and he's doing his job. But in the background, he's like, me, me, me, me, me. He's like, God, fuck, what, me, me. Fuck, that's annoying.

Fuck, what is that? He's taking it off. He's like, fuck. And he's turning his iPod up. He's cranking it. And he's just fucking, oh, yeah. Running with the devil. Beep, beep, beep, beep.

Well, it would have been right on the beat with running with the devil. Sneaking in. And he's mopping. And he's getting so pissed. And he just takes the mop's like fucking fucking throws it down and walks over and just goes it just shuts it off so that he doesn't have to hear it anymore like not even not even thinking yeah he's like fuck yeah okay i mean his like his watch is telling him it's like hey you need to turn it down the decibels you're listening at are like bad you're hearing he's like, hey, you need to turn it down. The decibels you're listening at are bad for your hearing. He's like, fuck you, Apple. He's cranking it way up.

Cleaning with the devil. Oh, yeah, yeah. And just walks over and shuts it off. And it's gone. And to not have the mental capacity to know that the alarm means something. It's not there to annoy you while you're mopping. This thing's stupid sounding yeah it's like why is this thing so loud why is that baby crying turn it off shut that baby up yeah

it's annoying because it needs to have your attention it needs to cut through everything else and something serious was happening and he was like not tonight he's like i don't have time for this i'm yeah, I'm trying to picture like a setting to where like anywhere, like if you're a janitor at any, I mean, if you're at a school and you hear an alarm, my first thought would be like, well,

alarms go off for certain reasons, right? Like something's wrong or something, but imagine if anywhere else, like your fire alarms going off, you're like, fuck, that's a new trying to sleep. You're like, it's annoying. Shut your fire alarm's going off you're like fuck that's and

you're trying to sleep you're like it's annoying shut your fire alarm off and then your house burns down right you just hyperventilate and die like oh this is dark and i'm not i'm gonna switch the topic so i don't have to keep doing it but i just imagine like even a resource officer police officer doing the same thing in a school dude like the alarm's going off and he's like he barely hears it through his airpods he's like fucking annoying and just cranks it up and it's a fucking active shooter and he's he's he's like dancing down the the hallways and everyone's getting blown up in the background he can't hear it though because he's got yeah his headphones he's like noise cancelling the headphones like a sick turn he's like shut

him down open up shop he's fucking and then behind him but the same thing with a fire the same exact thing like uh you got a firehouse and the alarm goes off the band firehouse no you're at a firehouse and everyone's pretty tired like they've been they've been working they're on the ship for a while and the alarm goes off in the firehouse so one guy's like just shuts it off and everyone's like just goes back to bed it's the same exact thing it's what this fucking janitor did i love that the i love that about a firehouse where like your job is supposed to start when you hear an alarm like you're so that's the one thing that you're supposed to react like really dive into not now fuck it like like snoozing your alarm exhausted a fireman fireman you're like what's five minutes gonna matter doesn't matter i'm proud drive faster

i'll just try i'll just try i'll make up the time i don't know we got powerful hoses i'm gonna start shooting before we park like i'll make up for this somehow i'm so i'm exhausted uh all right well let's get to a petty beef it's a silly one this week okay but we need some silliness so zach if you play it fuck silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final-ish This is Petty Beef Petty Beef Go ahead Oh, I started the music bed too soon

Go ahead Oh, okay Alright, today we have a cheesy Petty Beef Oh It's from our son Brandon Let's go, Brandon Hey, let's go Hey, Daddy Joe and Brian

Brian! Please back me up on this okay well if it if it's if it makes sense we'll back you up we've talked about this in the past if it leads with i'm really gonna need you guys to support me on this one it's usually you're usually the one you're usually the one that needs to be checked but here we go let's see me and my best friend are at a are at the bar and they have string cheese like a normal human i pull thin strips okay he just bites the whole cheese log with a carousel of careless abandonment i know i wrote in that but i took me so long to figure out what the fuck they were trying to say carousel abandon wait did brandon think that that's what the saying really is i don't know if you're just talking okay they're at a bar and he's hammered he's by a whole cheese bar

that's okay brandon if you hear this please write in if you thought it was carousel abandon yes it's a careless abandonment that's fucking amazing because i read this uh i put this email in here and i didn't i read right over that and didn't realize that it wasn't carousel or yeah so funny maybe because i can't read that's probably a big part of it oh my god carry on with no understanding of how humans should eat string cheese. Hope you side with me or die horribly because you're a monster that eats cheese wrong. Side note, the bartender also bites the cheese with her mouth. Wrong. Wrong.

Good. Wrong. Good. Wrong. I know it's a silly. It's a funny little petty beef. Zach, can you come in? Wrong.

Wrong. Chain it. Nice. little petty beef who could is that can you come in oh wrong chain nice i i'm i'm a i'm a string puller i'm not biting a hunk of fucking string cheese it depends on how bad i just want the taste of it you know like what's what was what was just in my mouth so i could say the same thing like twizzlers the the licorice you know if you're just hanging out and you're casually, you're just do-do-do-do-do. The Twizzlers that you can peel because some Twizzlers are just normal licorice. The ones that you can peel. So sometimes I'll do that.

I'll just be like do-do-do. Yeah, if you have time, you're sort of relaxing. But there's sometimes like I just want the taste of it. I didn't know anybody loved string cheese that much. Is anyone out there fiending for string cheese? My wife is like that. My sister used to love. She eats it like that crazy person did, yeah. Just chomps it.

We fight about it all the time. I love this letter so much. Okay, so you're in. You got a lot to say. You take a string out of fucking string cheese. You don't block cheese, the string cheese. It's not called block cheese. It's not block cheese.

What if you just really want cheese and you're just like, fuck, I just want cheese. That's what she says. She's like, I'm just eating cheese. She looks at me like I'm a crazy person. I was like, but it's called string cheese. They teach you how to do it by naming it the thing. Then get one of the little wax rolls. Like get a different style of cheese if you just want cheese. just get a different cheese yeah but what if what if the flavor like

well yeah but they make mozzarella cheese wheels right i don't know i don't buy i don't just eat cheese you do if you're doing string cheese oh man you eat with string cheese i'm out on this one because i don't have a i don't even i don't have a horse in the race here i don't have a cheese uh i'll put cheese on things but i don't just eat cheese if i did it's is cheddar the the yellow the very yellowy the sticks like every once in a while i remember someone's using it they'll cut it up i'll just take a bite of that yum what are you laughing at is that i had? That I had to ask? Not is it cheese, but like, because there's so many fucking kinds of cheese.

You're right. It's fair. Hold on. There's other colors. I mean, there's other yellow cheeses, right? Well, there's some that are like a light. There's white cheeses. There's a light.

But cheddar's that very stark yellow, right? That's right. But American cheese is that color. American, yeah. Oh, man. Just let me believe what I want to believe you're 40 years old yeah and you just had to ask two other grown men what cheddar cheese looks like and that's one of the funniest fucking things i've ever heard what's a cheese it that's a cheddar right what oh he's gonna use that he's gonna use that glove on you in like two seconds i'm trying to like like i said i'm not like a cheese connoisseur but you know uh yeah that's what i mean i wasn't really asking i was kind of like right this is i'm not crazy

right i know i just took it uh and the one of the like just you had no idea because i i'm generally not like a add cheese like if i make a sandwich i don't add cheese to it check yeah cheese i don't cook with butter that weirds people out sometimes i'm like if i make a sandwich i don't add cheese to it yeah cheese i don't cook with butter that weirds people out sometimes i'm like no i will never i'm like making something to do i don't just throw butter in the pan it's gonna be olive oil like that so i'm using a little bit of oil instead of a hunk of butter yeah that's what i've how i've always done it like i wouldn't eat i'll add a pepper jack to certain things because it gives a little kick um but i wouldn't eat... I'll add a pepper jack to certain things because it gives a little kick. But I wouldn't just eat pepper jack.

But a block of cheddar, if you cut a slice of a cheddar block, I'd enjoy that. That's really the only cheese that I can think about that I really enjoy like that. But you're not diving in with Carousel Abandon. No. No. There's no fucking way. What about people... I'm with... Pick a different type of cheese.

Pick a different type of cheese. String cheese. Yeah, try and... No, not you guys. The people that are at the bar eating. Just pick a different cheese to eat. Because if it says string cheese, it's a little weird that you're just eating like that. Last time I checked, this was America.

And if you want to eat string cheese one bite at a time, you fucking do it. You're all in. Do you guys know people that eat French fries one at a time? It depends on the French fries. Like, if you're at Red Robin, the big thick steak fries, the beer fries or whatever. Like, yeah.

Let's say like string fries. Like McDonald's. One at a time. I know. Two people come to mine and they eat one French fry at a time. What if you're trying to savor it? Yeah, sure.

How about like one popcorn kernel? My step? I'll do that. You do that? Not a lot, but sometimes, yeah. You guys ever put soy sauce on popcorn? Seen that one. I put Parmesan cheese on it.

Okay. Okay. Do you guys ruin your sushi by putting sauce on it? Sometimes. When you dip it in there? in the soy sauce it's on every table yeah yeah that makes that makes the sushi taste different than the way they made it if i put it if i put it in the sauce that is on every table and they have a specified dish to pour that sauce in because that's what you do with sushi that's the the one that ruins it? Then why do they decorate

and put all this other stuff on it if you're just going to make it taste like soy sauce? That's a good question. It's a good question. I know it's a good question. So go back and ask every sushi restaurant why they put sushi on every single table. They have to budget a million dollars a year.

I wonder if they do in Japan. Do you think they have soy sauce on their tables? Absolutely. I have no idea. I just want to make you feel bad. I can't imagine, like, there's a place in here in town that makes this dragon roll. And the way they make it, they've got an eel on the top. They've got eel sauce.

It's just like, you take a bite of it, it's so fucking good. If I was to dip that in soy sauce, it would just taste like soy sauce. And then it ruins, I might as well just get a California roll. If I want it to just taste like. sauce and then it ruins i might as well just get a california roll it just i want to just taste like i want let's go to go to sushi and we'll get sushi and then you can eat one without soy sauce and then i want you to eat one with soy sauce and i just want you to drink soy sauce and you tell me if you can taste the sushi with the soy sauce or it tastes exactly like the soy sauce you're drinking out of a dish you just tell me. Challenge accepted.

I think I did one time. There's no way. Because my wife does that. She'll like, hey, do you want a bite of mine? Because it's so fucking good. And she'll go, yeah, and I'll put it on her plate, and then she'll get that soy sauce out and dip and do the whole mix. And then I'm like, don't. You're going to ruin it.

God damn it. Yeah, just so mad why so this is different from like steak so like some people you like to put ketchup on steak fine but that would be like you're dressing up with all these things and steak and then you just dump ketchup you know like yes just like i i ultimately i don't ultimately i don't care but i'm just being funny but i want my wife to taste what that that dragon roll tastes like as the dragon roll i it's like i want her to see how good it is before you ruin it before you ruin it with soy sauce sorry i get it i'm in i'm in how do you guys feel about wasabi hate it quit wasting quit wasting supplies quit putting on my

plate oh just ask. Oh, geez. Just ask me, like, would you like wasabi? And then if you say yes, then put it on my plate. You automatically put it there. How much do you throw away? Yeah, because I don't use it. Every year. Just throw it away because you just put it on there.

No ginger either. Like, I don't use any of it. Yeah. I bet. Yeah, Zach's like, that's all he eats. I like the wasabi. I bet you do. But the ginger, I don't understand.

There must be a lot of wasted ginger in the world. I think ginger is a palate cleanser. What'd you call me? Isn't it supposed to be a palate cleanser? That makes sense. I've never tried it like that. Yeah, that's exactly what it's supposed to be. Last thing. I don't want my palate cleansed.

We've got to move on. That's why I'm eating this. To some good, good news. But how about this, just to settle all the arguments. How about we just start making pre-stringed cheese? Free stringed cheese? Pre. So it comes string stringed so it's like shredded but longer perfect yeah so it's like a hot dog that's attached no it's just like all you would normally string it so they just do that but then put it in a bag oh yeah and then oh it's pre got it like it's pre-cut it's all

it's all good it's like spaghetti noodles then my wife would just put them all together and take a big roll because the fun of it's okay god damn it this is like some flowers this is like sunflower seeds versus like buying a bag of just sunflower seeds open i like doing that too but part of the fun is like the cracking it's like having your mouth and like spitting them out but i will sometimes just buy a thing of seeds and just like shove them into my mouth because i want the taste i get both ways totally doesn't have to be one or the other does not you can have multiple options sometimes i feel like sitting here and like peeling a piece of string and then uh and eating it and some days

i feel like fucking diving head first in and just taking a bite just cheese whizzing right into your mouth you get yeah i like to whiz i know you I'm not going to take a side on this one. Yeah, I'm going to say I'm going string cheese. String cheese. String it. All right, let's go. Let's go some good news. Zach, will you roll it, please?

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah. Hey, again, did not anticipate necessarily there's going to be so much nakedness in today's episode. I love a good ditty. And this doesn't have a whole lot to do with us, but the movement is growing. Spanish swimming pools in Catalonia told not to ban topless bathing.

Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yes, dude. This is what I want. I am glad I'm getting older, though. That way I wouldn't just walk around with a fucking erection everywhere. Yeah. And it's good that we've addressed it before there's going to be a little bit of a transitional stage when all the boobies start flying around i can't wait because we've been told that that's naughty

but it's only going to take a generation or so to be like no that's normal like those boobies are fine flopping around especially when you're feeding your kids all of it just let them around they should never have been covered up in the first place africa's got it figured out everybody a lot of a lot of places besides us haven't figured it out we just make it so naughty and taboo well i didn't have to read the article honestly if it wasn't taboo you probably wouldn't want to look at them though uh what like i would i promise you well i know i know but think about if you grew up thinking that titties weren't naughty or sexy, would you be attracted to them? Well, you wouldn't be a boobs guy, right?

That just. Or an ass. Everyone's an ass guy. Honestly, like, I feel like that's part of the appeal for people, right? It's like, ooh, I don't get to see it all the time. Pitting up? Ah. It's like, I want to smoke a cigarette because I'm not supposed to.

I mean, yeah, maybe. But I think, like, what am i trying to say genetically you want to see it like you're always down but like okay whether it's hiding or not like if you're in the tribes that are like walking around with just tits out do you think the guys well they usually have their no once they're turned on yeah they're ready to go that's what i'm getting at it's like a bouncer at the strip club he's like i don't even get a boner anymore yeah he's like i get a boner from pushing you into the bushes but not because i hear panama from van halen that's all oh yeah if i hear nickelback one more fucking time

rock star rock star hey i'm doing standing in line pussy on a pole dollar bill inside pussy like it's just it's such a weird place for nickelback i love it it's so good or the pants on the ground one oh yeah yeah yeah whatever that one's looks something pants feet pants feet pants okay well let's move on i'm just i guess i i feel for all not that's i'm all for this i was gonna say i feel for all of not. That's kind of a weird way to say that. I was going to say I feel for all the girls that cover all the boobs up all the time. I wish they would just walk around with their titties out. Free the nipple. Yep.

Free the nipple. All right. You found something on the internet. Speaking of 4th of July, we're right around 4th of July. If we're a free country, the titties need to be free too. You can't have one without the other. That's right. You're asking me. All right. You found something found something did i you want to show it to me

um yes i did all right hey uh god there's a lot of cock and balls and tits in this show what happened zach the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome yes i love the video of that oh yeah the intro yeah thanks yeah we worked our uh tirelessly careless we went in with carousel abandoned you guys are talentless cunts thank you welcome so this is i love this this is a uh it's a product so like anybody that has you know rides bikes or like bicycles yeah well let's start with the bicycle thing okay so a lot of people like uh i have a road bike i haven't ridden in years but when i did like i

had a rear light and a front light because if you're riding at light at night and you're riding in the bike lane you want to make sure that you're lit up cars can see you he's known yeah like here there's a person riding a bike here and someone i'm sorry will you plug in your computer oh you're goddamn crazy son of a bitch we're going to show this thing and we can't see it oh gosh damn it that's my fault you guys can kick my ass later that's all right here while he's getting it going perdonam it whatever firing up all right i see it now okay thank you you're welcome thank you buddy professional 100 professional it's a professional show do my best uh okay all right um okay so as a you know you need some lights to to be lit up so the cars can see you and and then if anybody has seen the like

the the big old truck with the balls hanging out from the undercarriage the undercarriage showing how much of a man you are how big a hog you got how big of a hog you got because you that big old truck so someone had the genius idea to put those two things together and they have illuminated balls in a sack that you hang from the back of your bike and dangle like a set of nuts but are lit up like a like a light like a safety safety light so you're right it's like it's what's funny about it to me is the ultimate difference between look at waterproof it's like badass on the two of them like a guy oh yeah like a cyclist versus like a dude in a giant truck those two people just don't belong in the same room together they're're just completely different people. I am drawing a complete blank right now. Well, Lance.

What the fuck? Lance Armstrong. Imagine him. Just the slow-mo highlights, and he has some balls hanging off the... Yeah, just swinging around. Swinging. He's just winning all the things,

and he has these nut sacks hanging off his bike. Dick Strong. Oh, man. Ball Strong. Didn't he have something something strong so yeah live strong live strong i remembered that but forgot his name so right i'm killing it when everyone joined the fashion statement of yellow bracelets yeah yellow bracelets anyway yeah so both worlds collided and created a dangly ball sack that lights up for bikes i it costs 10 bucks on amazon

so you can go get it worth every penny uh and i mean we like to do this so i'm going to read the the description just because they throw everything in there to make sure it shows up in your queue bike reflectors led bicycle rear light cycling balls tail light seat back egg lamp night essential waterproof creative silicone warning light for truck and then they put it on your fucking bike like what it's not even they just every other keyword like they didn't use nutsack i would have put that in there yeah i'd put funny let it put gag i would have put hog i would have put hog hog indicator hog enhancer oh yeah fucking hoginator fucking hoginator that'd be cool too that picture shows like the person holding the ball so they can pull the strings to show how durable it is.

High elasticity. These balls last. Let's hear from some of our kids. We got some good ones this week, okay? Yep. All right. Fuck you, I do. Hey, you guys!

All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Wow, that's cool wow that's cool our first email is coming in from our son sam let me read this one okay just because at the end he said i didn't use too many big words just in case daddy boy and weeds it oh so you want to prove yourself so i want to show that i can get through this oh why oh i'm excited here we go hold on i gotta find like i don't see if i can find some cool music but jeopardy music see now i see i do that now i'm on the spot and now i'm gonna

fuck the first sentence up um they're all gonna laugh at you they're all gonna laugh at you this is from uh our son sam okay go this is your loyal son sam here to blow your minds. Maybe, but probably not. But fuck it. I was listening to Peanut Butter UFO Rock Baby Cocaine Hot Dog, and I had something to add. I had a friend in high school who worked for Sonic. Okay. He used to use it to sell drugs to the drive-thru window. What?

People would order a cherry limeade with extra sugar in quotations for cocaine and various other secret terms for other drugs he would put the drug in a cup then put the another cup on top of it and then fill that cup with cherry limeade then they would pay him for the drugs and the limeade transaction complete okay i can't remember how long he got away with it but he did get caught eventually of course actually he had that i was just saying but he did get caught eventually, of course. Actually, he had that. I was just saying that on top of my head. Of course.

This caused him to then become a paid informant. Sweet! This led him to getting paid by the cops to inform while getting away with all the drug selling he was doing. So I don't think he regretted it too much. This makes the show. I just want to say I love the show and worth success or vis-a-vis. Thanks for the laughs. I try not to have any

weird words in case Boyin reads it. You were doing so good until that last sentence. That's because I hurried through it. That's alright. Do it again. Which sentence? The final one. I tried to not have too many big words just in case Daddy Boyin reads this. I got through it. So fuck everybody.

And thank you, Sam, for leaving out the big words. It's not the big words that get me. It's the little words. It's the humidity. Yeah, it is hot in here. My ass. If I could show you the sweat.

It's not the heat that gets you. It's the humidity. It says various other secret terms for other drugs. And I don't know what I would do, but that's pretty funny. You're like, can I get a like uh want to get a hot dog with a side uh brown tube like whatever he's like yeah of course you can yeah i get a double dicker you can get that here yeah double dicker right double dicker all the way across the sky whoa there all right our second email is coming in from our stinky son, Josh.

Sup, dirty ass daddies? Hey, Zach. Hey. I'm a little behind. There's a couple ways you can take that. Is it dirty ass daddies or dirty ass daddies? Yeah. I'm going to go with the last one, former one.

I just like the way that you said there's a couple ways you can take it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a little behind. What's that? A little bit of those dirty asses. Anyway. I'm a little behind on sending this, but I have a gas station story for you. I was 17 and I was in an Exxon waiting in line when a shit pain hit me.

I went to the bathroom, locked the door, and started pushing out my poo-poo butter. I didn't realize that the door didn't actually lock so i was sitting there shitting my guts out and this probably 70 year old man came in and started pissing in the urinal one foot away from the toilet i was sitting on and there was no divider yes it's one of the single person ones i sat there waiting for him to finish he flushes goes to the sink and washes his hands turns leans up against the counter and says boy it's a hot one today so i said yeah pretty hot then this old fucker sits here for 10 minutes just talking about random shit until i finally say dude i have to wipe my ass. Can you go? He says, oh yeah, sorry. And walks out like it's a normal situation.

He's been put in. Then I wiped and I went to leave and he comes up and says, anyway, so what I was saying. Oh no. God damn. Who the fuck does that? That was one of the weirdest situations i've ever been in i guess felt like you guys should know yes thank you anyways love the show keep it up and zach do

the fucking thing i'm not doing it yet star wife fantastic that is amazing i've not encountered this particular situation but i will always remember it is it's like this but not nearly as funny not as great and i was at a baseball tournament i believe it was like it was right before a state tournament i remember that we're on ontario oregon and i go to the bathroom to have to take a shit because you've ever pre-game nerves right and this guy like walks in kind of the same oh no he was already in there so he's standing there and he's like getting dressed and kind dressed and I don't know what he's doing. I thought he was washing his hands. And he goes, I don't mind if you don't mind. And I was like, what's

that? And he goes, go ahead. If you have to use the toilet, he goes, I don't mind. And I was like, I gotta go number two. And he goes, yeah, I don't mind. And I'm like, uh... I don't mind at all. I was like, no, that's okay. I'll wait. And then I do wait outside the door. And then the person that walked out is the fucking home plate umpire.

So if I would have chosen to just go in there and shit next to this guy, and then he would have been umpiring my game. Every time you walk up to the plate? So he was in there putting on his ump shit, but I didn't know what he was doing. Right. So he's getting all his... And he's like, I don't mind. Every time you would have walked up to the plate, you would have made that eye contact.

He would have been... Yeah. That old man winch. Right, right, right. Thumbs up. I won't say a word. Ball two. Ball two.

That's a solid strike. God, man. All right. Well, that's our show. I feel like we had a good time. We did. We had a lot of fun in there. I had a good time. I had a good time we had a lot of fun in there i had a good time i had a good time i had a great time uh again a big thank you to everybody who

has signed up to support us on patreon i'm getting close to 300 might have hit it already we're gonna start setting some goals to make it a lot of fun in there you'll find a link in the episode description uh instagram and facebook we're on youtube of course you got the email at hey guys at can you don't podcast.. We want to send something in. And a big old shout out to Mr. Uncle Zach. Hello. Producing today's show and producing hopefully forever because you

make everything better and you're our favorite uncle. Aww. I don't have a rebuttal to that other than I love you. Just being around you has been pretty awesome. I gotta say, you guys have made my Thursdays pretty awesome. They were pretty good before good before because this is a fun day fuck yeah dude that's when we record is thursdays no yeah exactly he's like everyone's like what the fuck is he talking about thursday it's like not just when we typically record i've said a lot of stupid

shit things today like latter and former i screwed that up oh yeah we know that i have to say this uh carousel abandoned not that people will necessarily care but us recording on thursday at this time every week has been for me for me it's fucking awesome because like i never know like i'm supposed to create content my brain is so fucking jumbled i don't i never know what i'm gonna do and i'm overwhelmed but i know i get to come here and i know we're doing it for the the following week i get to come here and i know we're doing it for the the following week i get to come here get some laughs and like get to hang out with some buddies and like actually just sort of have fun for a little bit and not be stressed out and every

every single time no matter what is going on there hasn't been a time i've come here and then been fucking pissed i was here or didn't like want like really want i thought i didn't want to be here like we were going through some shit and you're like god damn like we're just doing it and trying to be funny but even those times i left feeling way better than i did heading in yeah because as soon as the show gets going you kind of like now you're letting loose a little bit it's even escapism for us oh yeah yeah yeah just like it is for our listeners it's equally beneficial for us so i needed it today us oh yeah yeah yeah just like it is for our listeners it's equally beneficial for us so i needed it today thank oh yeah fuck yeah and plus like you know like at least personally for

me the content that i that i produce and have made a living producing is it's more i try to be a little bit edgy but i gotta make money on it so i don't get to do too much yeah so for here for for me to be able to just come talk about stupid shit like it's just like with no repercussions really yeah it's been it's fucking therapeutic hardcore anal star wipes yeah because i want to be able to get to talk i don't get to talk i mean i work from home i'm gonna tell my kids that you should have seen i was watching this chick get plowed and then a star wipe yeah you're not gonna realize how funny this is. They used a star white.

Yeah, and that kid's watching Minecraft videos. He's like, I want to go play Minecraft. You don't think I understand how funny this is. Yeah. Fuck you kids, you're worthless. That's all I hear about it all day is, they'll tell me about a Minecraft thing. And I'm like, it's a cool game, but. Have you hit Roblox yet?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, fuck yeah. It's coming. They're all coming. Fortnite's coming. And then going back to Uncle Zach, make sure you check out everything he does puts a lot of time into it puts a lot of effort it's his fucking life go to scatcast.com and dude is busy busy they got a patreon they got the public stuff go check out the whole community it's absolutely amazing thanks to all the babies he's just a good dude oh i haven't known him for that i haven't

known him for that long but it's i can definitely tell in the short time that i've really been hanging out with it's a guy that i want to keep around in my circle that's how i feel too you guys been friends with zach for over a decade um and i will say like no matter no matter what i'm i'm sold like he's gonna he's gonna do everything he can to make everybody around him happier and better that's just the the type of guy he is and you want to come in here we'll give you a uh he's come back to my pig roaster did i recognize who you're talking about who are you talking about uh you no it can't be that yeah i know it was you it was you it was absolutely you did you hear that i watched one by myself in my apartment i heard about it yeah come on over i'll

show you uh thanks to the babysitters that run our can you don't playground go ahead and join that it's a lot of fun and then yeah that's uh that's it you have did you yeah you did something you pick something a deal all right hey zayac come on good god wrap it up already huh good god good god put a leather sleeve around it already would you a leather tipless dick sleeve yeah what's a what's like a male term for a like a dick uh corset oh there's got to be something just a corvette yeah a cock set a cock set well we'll have to think about it yeah there's there's something good okay well sorry go ahead i have a i'm trying to tell a joke here.

I'm sorry. Go on, dude. How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? How do you follow... Follow the cocaine. No. Oh. You follow the Fresh Prince.

Yeah, yeah. I was close. Right? I mean, Fresh Prince, maybe that was one of the secret keywords at Sonic. Could have been. Yeah. Can I have a number four with Fresh Prince? Yeah.

I'll take a DJ Jazzy Jeff. DJ DJ Jazzy Jeff on the side, please. Okay. One batch of heroin coming right up. All right. We love you guys. Kids, we'll see you guys next week. Silly honkers.

Bye. We'll see you guys after the show. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Outro Music