Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Jaws of Life. Headlock. Crosswalk. Snake Poop.

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

What would your reaction be if you were a firefighter and after saving a kid that was stuck in a swing, someone snuck up and stole your Jaws of Life machine? Let's talk about that, why no one seems to think there are any rules outside of grocery stores, being a complete dickhead to complete strangers ALL THE TIME, reading a book to a classroom while holding an autistic kid in a headlock, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/ZHMNw7E1TgoSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Jaws of life, headlock, crosswalk, snake poop. Something you probably didn't know about me. 117, that's my lucky number. Is it? No. No. If you have a triple-digit lucky number, don't fuck yourself. Has anybody ever said their favorite number is a triple-digit number?

I mean, maybe you got 199 I've heard of. Aaron Judge is number 99. He's tall. Yeah. Taller than Zach. 51 home runs today. He's going to break the all-time home run record. Give it another decade, but he's going to do it. True and far. Just imagine

if you gave that guy little steroids. Just a bit. Like dabble. Yeah. Just like slide it across the table and be like, yours if you want it. What's crazy is he doesn't need it. Look at Mark McGuire, how big he was. That's Aaron Judge. Aaron Judge is like a foot taller. Yeah, and he doesn't need it. Look at Mark McGuire, how big he was. That's Aaron Judge. Aaron Judge is like... A foot taller.

Yeah, and he's not... Aaron Judge isn't bulk. He's just like a big dude. Doesn't look like an MLB Sega game. Yes. Dude, I still see a clip of Mark McGuire up at the plate and Jose Canseco with that erratic batting stance. It's like they were a video game. The video game didn't embellish them at all. No. Everyone else was embellished, they just made them true to size. Right. They're just like, we can't go any bigger with this.

This is ridiculous. Yeah, episode 117! These guys. We should do something about this. They invented the testing just because they looked weird. It didn't exist before that. They pushed science to figure out what's wrong with them. Jose Contigo took a fly ball off his head invented the testing just because they looked weird it didn't exist before that they pushed science to figure out what's wrong with them was it yeah jose can take a took a fly ball off his

head and it didn't even bother him no he's just like i don't know i can't wait to go back all right if you want to sign up get the bonus content you do that by supporting us on patreon and thank you to everybody that does patreon.com slash can you don't podcast uh we're recording a couple episodes well like three weeks in advance at this point, because Brian's got to go do something. Where are you going? I'm just going to Austin, where you always go. Yeah, right.

Except there's not going to be an eclipse. Oh, he opened up the script. Yeah, that'd probably be helpful. I closed it so it didn't get all fucked up. And I guess at this point, by the time this episode comes out, we have probably last week's figured out who won the card pack. So we'll figure that out.

But if you buy merch, we appreciate it. It's a huge way to support the show. And you can find our merch at canyoudontpodcast.com. Send all the things you want to hear or see on the show to heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com. Can you believe email's still a thing?

Nah, kind of. Email got lucky. It's like text messaging. It was old, and then a new thing came, which was like phone calls and video calls and all that kind of stuff. And then everyone was like, I don't want you that close to me all the time. Just send me an email. Just text me. Yeah, just let me do my thing.

I'll get back to you when I can. So email was on the verge of just disappearing and then everyone's like that's fine yeah i'm fine with getting back to you when i want i just i had that thought last night where i was sitting here i'm like because mail is such an antiquated thing you know we still use it though and then when you say email is like what what is what is email? What is, you know, back then. But now I hear email, and that sounds old. It sounds like a boomer phrase. Yeah. Send me an email. Yeah, got grandfathered in.

You still fucking use it, dude. It's crazy. We're doing some lap time today. Nah. Zach, what are we doing? We're going to do some random facts about the world you live on once again. Okay. Facts of life.

We got lots of crazy shit. This should be a fun one. I'm excited. Me too. I mean, if you take the good, you take the bad. Yeah. And then you take them both. In your ass. And then there you have the facts of life. Yeah! Listen, life has good things, life has bad things.

Put them both in your ass. Yep. Just move them around. That's what my mom used to say. Hey. It's the first thing you hear. That was the night I knew i wanted to marry her and speaking of my mom i she sent me a text just wanted to share this with everyone um she worked for the school district back where i grew up and she said indoor recess today because it's too smoky and there's a bear near the playground and they sent me a picture of the bear so that's just

you know that's just life yeah Yeah. Life in Idaho. Yeah. It's beautiful. Sorry. I'd love for you guys to go play kickball. But there's a giant black bear. But Smokey the Bear is literally out there eating a garden gnome. I don't know what he was eating. Probably some fruit.

He looked tired. I met a nibble on a gnome. He's been gnome to do that. I get it. Let's get the show going. Alright. Hey, shut up. Start the show already.

What time of the night did you come up with this one? About two or so. I don't know. I've been staying up late lately. That was... What? I think I was actually like, I think I was what I think I was actually like I think I was going through emails and I think Earl may have sent in one

Errol and I remember reading it and I was thinking it just took a part of it and then it made my brain took a left turn gotcha so this is how how that I think this is how where that came from okay it was also on an edible. So it could have been anything. Classic

Brian. Would you rather have to talk... You were just laying in bed thinking of Errol. Yeah. Not even an email. You're like, I wonder what he's doing. I wonder what he's up to. That reminds me of a funny would you rather. Anyway. Hope he likes it. Hope he likes it. Just for you.

So he gets sort of partial credit. Okay. Got it. All right. Would you rather have to talk to every person you see in a day, like every fucking person. Segway off the email text conversation we just had. I don't care if you walk into a gas station. Like I walked into a gas station to get this big old 32 ounce.

Yeah. Small sipper. Little nom nom. And a couple little packs. Yeah. Small sipper. Little nom nom. And a couple little packs of almonds. Of edibles. Yeah. Oh, you can't eat them. And the groups of people that were in there,

what am I going to talk to them about? What do we have in common? But I would have to do it. Okay. So would you rather do that? Or everyone that looks at you or acknowledges you in any way you just have to tell them to fuck off.

No explanation. You just gotta live your life like that one guy. So some old lady walks by and kinda gives you a little nod. Beautiful day we're having. Fuck off! And you just keep walking. Or you're getting your haircut and it comes hitting the forehead what we do for you today fuck off okay yeah is that a new

style yeah you can also show up yourself you have like a little prepared slideshow fuck off and it's like sorry i didn't mean that yeah yeah here's the haircut i really want have you seen ryan riddles lately yeah yeah it's like sorry this is a didn't mean that. Here's the haircut I really want. Have you seen Ryan Reynolds lately? Sorry, this is a complicated thing. Just for the cameras. I mean, for me, fuck off. But what I really mean is this. They probably think you had Tourette's. Yeah. But you say, like every person

that you, like you have to talk to every person that you see which is crazy if you're driving a car. Well, okay. Hey! Hello! Get a lot of tickets that way Maybe to make it less complicated It's not just everybody you see

Maybe it's everybody that looks Like an interaction, an encounter with An encounter with, if you're walking past them They look at you, you have to stop And now just have a conversation with them So you probably want to keep your eyes down And you know Or that same situation You see them and you just have a conversation with them um so you probably want to keep your eyes down and you know um or that same situation you see me just tell them to fuck off is that a loophole or that's

just like if you stare at the ground i'm taking that you could but like that would be weird but if they walk yeah but i'm not telling them to fuck off i don't have to talk to them like if they're crossing your path and you know that they're there it seems like you have to at least say something yeah if you're like walking randomly in a distance don't worry about it but if they're in your area okay if they're gonna be like if you guys could run into each other if you weren't careful type of thing i mean i got that small town idaho in me and still do it. Walking on the street, I don't care if it's a big city.

If I'm walking by somebody, I'm like, hello. Hey, how's your day? How's it going? I usually give them a nod. If it's a black dude, I usually give them like a what's up. Okay. Because I don't want to seem like a lame. Just different races, you have different head nods. I do.

Nice. Because it's like black people are cool. And so like when you see him, you kind of give him a, yeah, what's up, dude? Mm-hmm. And if it's like a white guy, I'll just kind of give him like the little lip smile. Mm-hmm. And the little nod down, maybe. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Just a little nod. Yep. Yeah. Yep. So, I definitely have a. Okay. Well, that's not talking.

So, we have to do a talk. Right? Yeah. So, yeah. I mean, you have to, even if just a whatever, you have to say something to this person that you see on the daily. Or you tell that person to fuck off. Yeah. That sounds dangerous.

Yeah, it could potentially be really dangerous. Either you have to be a really good fighter, or you have to pick just have a friendly conversation. What if it's just like a grungy homeless dude, and he's sitting up against the wall, and you look over, and he looks at you, and you're like, fuck off. Fuck off. How bad does that sound? You don't want to say it. Yeah, you don't want to, but you have to.

You're like, oh, damn it. I mean, you change the times of day that you go out, but still, like a grocery store situation, you have to do some talking or some fucking offing. Some guy's just restocking the chip section. Fuck off. Nerd. Kick his little restocking cart.

I mean, you can lean in. You can go 300% and just really be an asshole. Knock stuff over. Yeah. Like he puts the cheese that's up, you fucking hit him off the shelf. Fuck off What? The little end cap thing

Just walk over And just knock it over Like perfectly puts together A fall Bud Light display Yeah It's got the beach chairs And everything No no

Football It's gonna be football Oh football Cause fall Oh you said fall yeah Yeah get ready for the season And he's like He's

Like wipes the sweat From his brow Fuck dude look at that thing And you're just like Fuck off and he's like he's like wipes the sweat from his brow look at that thing you're just like fuck off all the beer boxes just you just grab one of them and they all collapse yeah um i'll take this one fuck off yeah do it to apologize later like sorry no dude you just gotta go on with your day. I got fuck office syndrome. You just, yeah, fuck off. And you don't necessarily have to be like, fuck off.

It's just like, they look at you, you're just like, fuck off. Waste of time. Or like the sideways. The sideways finger out, fingers curled. Yeah, the fingers curl. Yeah. Like, remember when that became a thing? Yeah, like a tiny fuck you. Like, it's all compact. Yeah, like this. Like, the F is coming out hard. Yeah. Like, remember when that became a thing? Yeah, it was like a tiny fuck you.

Like, it's all compact. Yeah, like this. Like, the F is coming out hard. Yeah. That's what that looks like. It's like a fuck off. I remember in the early 90s, like, this was like, going back to this was like, this is the way boomers flip somebody off like that.

Just the middle finger. And everyone's like. Like, you're barely. Squeezing it in. You're barely getting the tip. Just the tip that's just the tip showing the tip of that fuck off remember the sufi everyone yeah yeah yeah the super fuck you yeah you know maybe they would get confused if you did that to him and they'd be like well maybe that's a nice boy yeah or he wants to bang me now could be that he wants to figure bang my asshole. It goes either way. He wants to titty fuck your ass? I mean, just... I'm thinking about that.

Okay. I'm thinking about that. I'm thinking about it. And I'm in. If I think about it any longer, we're going to have to pause the show. I would titty fuck your ass so hard, dude. And I'd let you. Just for the sounds it would make.

Just the two of us. Just the tip of my... Just the buns and us. Squirt. Squirt? make just the just the tip of just the buns and the squirt squirt i just don't i don't have the mean gene i don't have the fuck off in me but it would be a huge waste of time to have to have meaningless conversations with everybody but just a talk like a greeting i could i could do that how's your day well glad you asked like fuck off like that's what i would follow but i don't care but i that i would i lean towards that just because my personality

because i'd have a really hard time just telling people to fuck off yeah right nerd like any version of go fuck yourself. I'd have a hard time doing that. So I'd have to just accept that I'm going to have some conversations with people I don't want to have conversations with. And I already I'm already kind of in that boat. I typically, I'll just

I get myself into those situations because I'll acknowledge people. Oh, the Mariners, how was the game last night? And he's expecting me to be like, good game, huh? All right. And he's like, well, I just don't agree with the batting lineup. In the bottom of the fourth, they really. I can't believe he threw that sinker and you're like.

That one I probably wouldn't mind very much because it's like, yeah, we're talking baseball. But if we're talking fucking weather, I think I've mentioned this before. Like, if we ever meet in person, like think i've mentioned this before like if we ever meet in person like a listener please i know you're gonna want to do don't talk about the weather it's but it's supposed to be pretty hot this week don't care i mean you do know that though right huh supposed to be like 90s this weekend yeah we're going camping oh yeah so i do know that sweet yeah but it's like i think all three of us we don't have the

fuck eugene in us we're gonna have to have a conversation whether you like it or not but i can't i'd rather do that have the chance of getting getting tied up in something but you're also interacting with the human race opposed to just being like the top tier asshole i have to yeah and i'm gonna hate it i'm gonna hate it and i'm gonna want to sometimes be like you know what this you want to tell them to fuck this is not going where i wanted it to go but you can't tell them yeah but you can't i i always i always find myself getting caught this just happened the other day holding the door for people because i will we'll go into i think we went into dicks or something the other day. We walk. Nice. Oh, yeah.

I open the door, let my family in, and then there was somebody coming out, and then there were people coming in after us. And so I held the door for them, and then just like a train of people came in and out. Your family's like filling out postcards to send you? Amber, dude, Amber, she knows what's going to happen, so they just go. And then I look back, and she's like, every time. That's why I got to do the back hold, where you go through, and you're like, I'm still a gentleman. And you wait for them to grab it, and then you can still move forward with your life.

I hopefully try to get to that point, but I'm usually just standing on the outside, looking for that opportunity to do that. Top of the day, sir. Yeah. And then I'm like a door guy. I need a suit. Get a tip. You're looking for some dicks as well, I see. Please, by all means.

Get your dick first. If you have no idea what we're talking about, dicks is a hamburger restaurant. Brian loves dicks in his mouth. I was actually not referring to dicks the restaurant. I was referring to dicks the sporting goods store. There's so many dicks around here. There's no doors at dicks restaurant his mouth. I was actually not referring to dicks in the restaurant. I was referring to dicks in the sporting goods store. Oh, see, there's so many dicks around here. There's no doors at dicks restaurant. It's all outside.

That's right. That's for a good point. I was thinking that. Zach's thinking, like, what do you do? This is a total lie. Not one of the dicks has fucking doors, bro. Doors. Just for employees only.

Cool story, dick. Yeah, so, I mean mean I would They both suck I got maybe a work around I've never seen this movie but can you bird box this shit Just every time you leave you Put a blindfold on Get a nice dog

Yeah but then you're just the dude with the blindfold on Well then you don't have to tell people fuck off And you don't have to talk about the weather You just lean into blind Just get the stick and everything and you're just have a nice dog have a nice that's a whole that that changes your course of life though too having to pretend to be blind i'll be back tomorrow maybe yeah yeah hopefully i don't walk into traffic walk into traffic and it's a good i have a good boy today but you just get a regular dog but then you put glasses on you can see you know you don't have to actually have to be blind it's a hey yeah you you you blind

yourself yeah you just throw like acid in your eyes you wear like those bus driver glasses like it looks like they just got done getting their eyes adjusted oh yeah then you realize they just wear them the whole time yeah you're like either this is unsafe or you need to change your glasses yeah yeah i had a couple of those it's their whole face so you don't know one needs those uh okay so we're picking nice things for the most part yeah okay okay let's move off to what are you thinking about because i got a a long a thought from a long time and then uh experience from just yesterday. Okay. All right. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about?

You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? And we did a nicely segue. Segue. Into some of this today. But the thought, okay, let's start with the long-term thought so when you're

driving an automobile there's crosswalks right and there's like there's a certain etiquette at a crosswalk sure rules state and there's been advancements in crosswalk technology over the years where they're solar powered and an led a nice flashing led sign will light up when someone is like i need to get over there i'm over here there's a lot of dangerous things in between where i am and where i want to go and you can push the button and then led light will be like hey somebody i mean even like full-on stoplight situations right for those super busy ones so there's been advancements in it but there's always been a little question about

this crosswalk etiquette as far as I'm concerned and one thing that I can't stand at a normal crosswalk is when the person crossing the street doesn't break stride heading to the crosswalk like they're just like do baba-do-da-do

and they just go get they go from sidewalk to fucking street i'm in a motor vehicle i don't want to kill you but you just assuming that no matter what's going on i'm gonna slam my brakes on because you need to get from here to there is a little selfish walk up stand in the spot this like signifies i need to cross the road a little holding spot yeah it's right there and there's there's white paint it's reflective it's bright and we know by the way you're standing and the the way you're looking back and hands on the hips yep the upside down hand thing yeah like this guy needs business he needs to get over there yeah like. Like he, you're, there's a road between them.

Like he has to stand there. There's a restaurant. Right there. He has reservations. He has a little shop that he needs to get to. Yeah. He's got a first date. I don't know what he's doing,

but he's, he might be running a little bit late, but he needs to stand in the zone, do the, do the little look thing and, and wait for the cars to stop. Okay. And obviously if you're the person crossing the street,

it's annoying when nobody fucking stops and you have to do a little inch up. Like, this is where I need to go. But there is some guesswork involved in who's stopping, but the law says someone standing at the crosswalk, you stop.

Right. Great. Got it. The problem I have is the people that don't give a fuck and they just immediately walk out. Now, this situation is bad at your run-of-the-mill crosswalk situation this shit is out of control outside of grocery stores but it's like no rules there i mean the crosswalk is huge it's the whole front of the store and everybody just walks in and out like they can't

die when there's a motor vehicle coming through the parking lot and you you just walk out and you're like i'm all set i've got what i need and they come out of the the doors they open up and they the squeaky wheels you know it's w And they're rolling out, and there's usually some pillars, because there's an awning, and they come out from behind the pillars going 27 miles an hour. They just walk straight out with their toilet paper, Coors Light, and Tapatio. Small children. Small children, like, riding on the cart,

and nobody fucking looks left or right. It's a free-for-all, and this happens not just in grocery stores, like you're like a walmart i don't need to be started with a walmart with how busy it is ventured into a walmart the other day big mistake yeah i know and you're walking across and it's just like that little like signifying thing i don't need a manslaughter charge today okay yeah it's not about i get it there's a crosswalk there but just walk up to where the street is and just give a little look and like this you know yeah yeah oh yeah the quick hand flash in the courtesy like you know thank you thank you or the or the go ahead like it's it's not it's not a free-for-all you need to just pay a little more attention to the crosswalks and i

was walking into and it's just like a like a side quest into my next story. That was more of just like a rant about fucking just pay attention. But I was walking into a Safeway. It's very safe. And it's the best way. It's the best way. This is the safest way. Safest way to shop.

And I was walking in and a lot of cars. I stopped, and I did the quick hand flash. Do both sides. Right. Like, this way, you're good. Right. You're good. Yep. Okay, we're all good.

Yep. Got in there, and then behind me, as I was crossing through the crosswalk, I heard the pattering of feet. Too fast. Like, not a normal pace. Coming in hot. Yeah, you would hear it in a grocery store parking lot. Not a normal pace. Coming in hot. Yeah, you would hear in a grocery store parking lot. This guy's in a hurry.

Something's on fire. The car's locked. There's a baby inside. It was a pace. So I look back behind me, and this guy is just jogging through the parking lot. What's he wearing? Like a painter. He doesn't look like he should be jogging.

Like, no, and it's not a good place to jog. Yeah. If you're like, Hey babe, I'm going out for a jog, the Safeway parking lot.

Yeah. You know it. Yeah. Just right where I could die at any moment. Yeah. It's get my husband working. Like he's, he's wearing like,

you know, just a t-shirt, some shorts, socks are a little too high from some combat boots kind of look. Okay. Like he, he works for from some combat boots kind of look. Okay. Like he works for a living. Like that kind of look.

Blue collar. Yeah, but he's jogging at an aggressive pace through the parking lot. And then he passes me and just jogs through the crosswalk and then into the doors. And then he goes through the first set of automatic doors and then gets on a fucking motorized cart okay you don't need it there's no way you need that cart he tuckered himself out what are you talking about he just passed me and then went and sat down in the cart and i was like that's weird and as i watched it and as this show is i just wanted i want to talk about it so i'm watching him get on his motorized cart after clearly running from the back of the parking lot so he's not in a handicapped spot his handicap is that he can't stop jogging

unless he's in a motorized cart i know that game he jogs up and he sits down and he's kind of texting and i'm just looking at him i was like you don't fucking need that i also had this thought of like you should get one like clearly anybody can use these things but no instead i texted cassie and i texted you and i was like guys watch this guy jog through the parking lot and get in a motorized cart and then he i i walk in front of him because he's still texting on his motorized cart and then he's texting and motoring yeah so then i go in i'm walking and then he passes me again. So I've been double passed by this guy. One with him jogging, and then one in a motorized car.

Okay. And he goes off to the right and bends around. Everyone gets out of his way. And one of the items I needed was orange juice. And he pulls up in front of the orange juice. And he grabs orange juice and he puts it in his of the orange juice and he grabs orange juice and he puts in his front basket and then he sits there and fucking texts in front of it and i'm standing there being polite i'm also like kind of like a little envy of like this guy just doesn't give a

fuck yeah i wish i could be like that just just fuck off yeah like that's what he's doing yeah and he's sitting in front of it there's no space between him and the little guardrail of the orange juice. You know, they want anyone to hit it. So there's a little guardrail and he's just sitting in front of it. And I'm watching people like, excuse me, like bending around.

And he has, does not recognizing just sitting there, texting, sitting on his motorized car that he doesn't need. And I watch a couple of people do it. And I'm like, dude, I'm fucking doing it.

Like, I'm not waiting for this guy to move. And I reach over the front. I'm like, excuse me. Like with a little attitude, like a little bit, just grab it and look at just like,

weep. And then he just sits there, waits. And then, and I was and i just grab his habit and i just put in my little basket and i'm like what the fuck are you staring at him just kind of like waiting for him to look at you yeah and in the whole time that like between three or i mean four people total he just sat in front of it and i just kind of paid attention to him i was grabbing other items and he never moved he just got on his cart and sat in front of the orange juice and texted. Just weep.

It's as a person that like tries to be very sensitive to that kind of stuff. Like, oh, I'm in someone's way or like, you know, just let people be nice. Let people go. It's almost to a fault. It really bothers me like why do i even fucking care when there are people like that that just don't even know other people exist or just don't care yeah and i'm still thinking about him like how many people would you say invaded my thoughts how many people would you say reached over him to grab well two before me and then me for sure and then i went and got bread, and then came back around

and he was still just... It should have taken one person. Someone reaches and he's like, oh, shit, sorry. Excuse me. Like someone leaving a cart in the way? Yeah, you walk over and you go, oh, shit, my bad, and you pull it away. Yeah, and that happens. That's just grocery store stuff. Yeah, you didn't notice somebody else, and you get... Everyone should get one chance at it, right? Like, oh shit, didn't realize I was doing something. That's fine. That happens.

I didn't know you also needed Play-Doh. Yeah. But it's, yeah. What are the chances, huh? As soon as you. Two dads get Play-Doh at 4 a.m. Anyway. I don't have much time.

Anyway, I'm out of here. You should have parked in front of the prune juice if he was having spatial awareness. Yeah, and he hadn't. I mean, that was the thing. He didn't need it. I just watched him run through the parking lot. And took that cart away from some old lady. From someone who might have needed it.

Yeah. Yeah, but this guy's invading my thoughts. He was so relaxed. Yeah. I mean, he was just like, manspreading was there for a bit. Like his knees are outside of the motorized cart. And he's leaning back. Yeah, and it's

like on his comfy chair and he's just like Shopping's awesome. God, if I knew shopping was this fun, I wouldn't have sent the wife to do it for all those years. Yeah. I just thought, and then I started thinking about grocery stores that only motorized carts are available,

but I've also had an experience in that same Safeway where it was just like a Sunday morning, and there was traffic jams with motorized carts. I felt like I was the only person not in a motorized cart. At least these people looked like they needed them, but they're like, and then help reverse help reverse and then one of them reversed into the dorito stand like trying to be like you know yeah i know you need to be here and just like shove it like into the pizzas but the dude was like late 80s so you get to do that this guy was this guy was my age jogging and getting in a motorized cart that's crazy yeah but i just wanted to share that with

everyone because it i'm i don't know i'm not sure how long i'm gonna think about it but i'm gonna walk by those motorized carts and be like clearly anybody can use these there's not someone there checking ids yeah it's not like you have to put in your disabled card and like beep and then it's like, oh yeah, you need that. Enjoy motor. Enjoy motor. Unlock. Thank you. I know I've talked about this. Put your motorized scooter in the bag. In the bag. I know I've said this before, but you're spurring this up

And it's relevant because we just went to Silverwood But people That just stop in the middle of a path Like what are you doing It's the worst The path is only so wide at Silverwood And then you have People who are like a family of six

Walking next to each other All wearing the same shirt. Yes. And they're all. Smith's family wood day. 2024. And they're all walking completely side by side. So everyone's walking is walking in the grass to get around them.

That's first of all. But then you get the people get off the ride and they stop in the middle of the path to talk about how crazy it was. And it's like, we're just trying to get to the ride and they stop in the middle of the path to talk about how crazy it was and it's like we're just trying to get to the next thing and nine of you are standing in a circle it was crazy how do you not fucking realize you're doing that i don't know i don't know god my head hurts because i just just getting fired up like i just don't get it yeah i know it's okay like spatial awareness isn't for everyone it's crazy and then we're at the fucking pool and we've got blankets out for the kids i'm sitting in the chair and there's a group of

kids that are like a camp and they just come walking through and they walk through and step on all of our shit and go walk right through. I'm like, I just looked at him. I was like, are you serious? And they are serious. They want you gone. Like I, if I was like, I'm that type of parent. Like I'm sitting there.

If my kid was, I'd be like, whoa, whoa. You know, like go, go around. You know, these kids are just strolling through our shit with shoes stepping on our towels and kicking cups over it's the craziest shit i've ever seen i know there's a lot of them out there that that and safeway motorized scooter guy after a nice jog to the parking lot they're the same that's the adult they turn into yeah that that kid is that adult is that he was doing that back in the 70s. Back before it was popular. Yeah, dude.

Fucking guy with a scooter. Now I'm never going to. Every time I see someone with a scooter, I'm going to wonder. Is it real? I'm going to wonder. Do you need this or are you just jogging? Are you tired or do you need it? I'm tired too, guy.

I mean, maybe that's all the energy he had for the day. Like, he ran in there. Jogging from his car? Yeah, and like, maybe he only gets so many steps in a day. Maybe he used them all up in the parking lot. You know what? I'll go with that.

Maybe that'll help me sleep at night. Yeah, it might. All right, let's do some dick stuff. Okay. All right. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool?

Then it's dick. All right, what you got? Show me that dick. Show me that dick. Show me that dick. Flop it. So I thought this was kind of crazy. Okay. Guess what state it happened in.

Do I need to guess? No. Florida. Yeah. I figured. Because when I was looking at stories, like seven out of the eight that I read were all from Florida. Florida teacher was arrested Saturday after she allegedly used her legs to put a 3-year-old boy with autism in a headlock during class.

Roma Otero, 59, is facing child abuse charges after a paraeducator assigned to her classroom witnessed the incident unfold and filed a report with the Florida Department of Children and Families. That's a weird foundation. It's a department, not a foundation. Or whatever. A foundation? He's imagining those, like, Shriner commercials that you see.

And for $1 a month, you can help prevent teachers from putting autistic kids in leg locks for 69 cents a day that's one less kid in florida what's her name getting put in a headlock sarah mclaughlin no uh the other one uh with the raspy boys she was on all in the family whatever whatever her name is. Susan Summers? No, not Suzanne Summers. Suzanne. The other one.

Oh, Susanna. Oh, I got to know what it's going to... I know I know her name, too, but it's going to drive me crazy if I don't. I know you know. You know I know. Anyway, so yeah. Oh, yeah. Sally Struthers.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I knew it was like Suzanne Sumers, but Sally Struthers. It's close, yeah. It's just a different season. Different show, I think, even. Yeah, wait. Yes.

Okay, so when the paraeducator turned around, she saw Otero sitting in a chair with a three-year-old. Oh, wait. Deputies say that she was setting up the activity during the children's story time when she heard a child start to scream and cry from the other side of the room. When she turned around, she saw Otero sitting in a chair with a three-year-old between her legs in a chokehold. And look at this picture. Look how casual. She's showing, for the people that don't see this, she's like a teacher sitting in a stool.

Showing the class the book, like reading a book and then showing the pictures and just has like her her her inner the insides of her feet clamped around a kid's head just casually clamping this kid's head oh the places you'll go yeah on the floor in between your teacher's it was a very hungry caterpillar i can't breathe he ate through a plum breathe! He ate through a plum, and then he ate through a pear. Ah! She clenches up a little bit more every time. He ate through two apples,

two pieces of watermelon. Ugh! Yeah. She took photos of the incident, which shows Otero's legs and feet, both placed on the side of the child's neck, appearing to hold him in place on his back while she continues reading the other children in the classroom. Yeah, she's sitting on a stool and then her legs down grabbing the kid's neck. Just so you got to paint the picture.

Yeah, you got to paint it good. And then the book is out to the side. Like, can you see she's showing it around? Yeah, she's like. And the elephant had big ears. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. This child that's in between my legs. And she's leaning forward.

All the kids are like, ooh. Do any of you have big ears? And the kid's just like, hey, fucking stop. Well, and he said, it's in here somewhere. I wonder if it tapped out. Oh, I read this. So i read this to my wife last night if you could have seen the look on my wife's face when i read this part to her she said since the boy was so young and also has autism authorities weren't able to communicate that much with him

however the affidavit showed us he was able to tell the deputies he got in trouble at school and said she hurt me like imagine your kid coming home. My teacher hurt me just that Holy the rage that would fill Mm-hmm. It's like person just darting across a crosswalk Yo, you just want to run him now I get it Fuck him. Where is the spot? Okay, so then she, so the teacher that did this, God. She got a promotion?

She told the officer she had been a teacher for 36 years, majority of her experience working with special needs children. Yeah. She also said the deputy, she had received specialized training for teaching children with special needs, adding to the, adding most of the common practice was to move the child to a different room and they needed to calm down. But this time she just decided to put them in a leg lock choke hold. Here's one of her favorite books. Now usually, I've been working with

special needs kids for 30 years. Normally. Check this out. She gets her purse out. She goes, look at these licenses I have. Good with autism. Good with I have. Good with autism. Good with Down syndrome. Good with this. Good with leg wrestling.

Retired MMA fighter. Jiu-jitsu teacher. Tap out legend. Tap out legend, yeah. At local mud wrestling. Here's me with the championship belt. Yes, just like transforms into. Yeah, I mean, I choked out a guy about this size just last week.

Check this out unfolds a photo so like oh yeah yeah cool you can't do that to a fucking kid or toddler what what's the difference we'll get back there's a massive difference yeah um anyway what's the difference legally she's facing felony charge of child abuse without great bodily harm. Yeah. That's very specific. We got child abuse, but not a great amount. Man, that's why she did it.

A little bit of bodily harm, just not a great amount. She goes, listen, I could use a vacation. I'll take a year in prison, but I'm not going to do great bodily harm. Yeah. Yeah, I could elbow this autistic kid when I read this book. Okay, we're switching up books. We're doing karate lessons. Any volunteers?

You? And just like drags the kid up there. So this is how you do it. Flying elbow dragon stab. So that's great bodily harm. I see the difference. Any other volunteers? You again!

Here's how you do a fucking ten point leg lock! And the kid's like, ooh. Ooh, ah. So that's great bodily harm. Okay. Instead she gets to write a friendly book and push their heels into his neck. Yeah. What would you do if your son was at home if i mean your your son yeah like if i've had to restrain

as no i know but like what would you if you that someone at the school did it for you like what well they have permission to do it but it's never it's never happened to choke a kid uh restrain like they have permission to do like i mean you're an adult so it's not that hard you grab them and you pin them from behind and you grab them you sit down and you wait for them to get over whatever mood they're in and i've had uh jobs where i've had to do that plenty of times i don't choke I don't fucking choke them out while you're reading a book to the class. Yeah, that's not part of the training. I feel like that's the difference, right?

Yeah. There's been plenty of times where you wrap their arms in. You're stronger. So you grab them by the biceps and squeeze. And then you sit down with them. And they wiggle. And you talk to them and wait for them to calm down and explain the situation and it's because they're a harm to themselves or they lose their

shit and they could punch another kid so that's what you're taught is to use your strength and your weight and get their legs out of it and sit down with them so they can't pop out of it and they can just wiggle and you hold on to them until the emotion is passed but you also can't read a book while you're doing that so i get what she's doing and i hope that she goes free do you know no not at all terrible uh but that yeah but i've had to do that with us and i i would not be it has not happened with ezra he's not had to be restrained at school but he's lost his shit but i guess like put him in a basically uh uh what are those the what are those rooms padded like a padded room yeah i was trying to think of a the adult like the stress room where you get to break everything oh but like there's been times where

he just lost his shit and they like just leave him and let him fucking go let him destroy and he's i mean past that now he still has those aggressions but a lot of those aggressions are verbal aggressions now but not physically trying to do anything but he did have that phase when he was little where little tiny h, like I've talked about ripping the door off the timeout room. That was the last daycare he got kicked out of. I do remember. I'm not even kidding. Early on, you're like, God, we just keep getting kicked out of these daycares.

Dude, he got every single one. Every single one in the entire county. And the last one he got kicked out of was like, yeah, no, he put him in timeout. And they're like yes and he ripped the door off the timeout room so you have to come get him and you're just like bring some tools yeah because you're fixing the door just hinges so they had it and he pri it open, and then just fucking ripped the entire door off the wall. Jesus Christ. Yeah, little Hulk.

And I've seen him throw a coffee table, so I know he can rip a door off the wall. Well, you've pushed him into a lamp table before, so maybe that's where it started from. That was for his own good. And I was tired. People that are just tuning in are like, what the fuck did you just say? How are we going to justify it? I feel like I have to share a little bit before I get called for CPS. Ezra woke me up, like scared me awake.

And I was sleeping on my back. I had my hands down. And he just goes, Dad. He's like, Dad. And it was right in the morning. And I just, reaction, I was like, huh? And he just swung my arm and just grabbed him and threw him into the nightstand. And he's like, why'd you do that? And I had like, and just swung my arm and just grabbed him and threw him into the nightstand. And he's like, why'd you do that?

And I had to explain. Dad, why did you throw me into the nightstand? And then I made the perfect lamp noise. It was like exactly the sound effect you would want for throwing a kid into a nightstand. And that's the sound it made. And he starts crying and I have to get up like you can't just wake people up like that you can't just come in and be like dad he's fucking grab him i don't know a dream i was having but we all turned out okay um imagine if you were deranged

yeah imagine i anyway so that sucks this story i hope she gets in a ton of trouble you can't leg lock a toddler while you're reading a book to the rest of the class there's gonna be people that some people listen be like that's why that's why we're raising pussies you can't you can't leg lock your kids and teachers can't physically harm kids anymore yeah back in my day man i should have seen what they did autistic kids i just choke them out and throw them in the closet for an hour true story you know i remember being in elementary school and i remember some kids like punching the principal and stuff yeah and like throwing chairs across the room i also remember the wood paddle on the wall yeah

yep those are the those are the good old All right, moving off to our next story. I don't know how this happened or why this guy needed it, but what the fuck? This is, I don't know, funny in a way. Thief steals Jaws of Life tool after Oakland firefighters rescue girl stuck in swing. I'll take that. He's just sitting and waiting.

Just the opportunity. He's like, this is what I've been waiting for. Jesus works a mysterious way. This is it. This is the big unsqueeze. Like the one that they've been waiting for. The big job. Is there a lot of copper in those things or something?

We'll see. It doesn't have meth written all over it quite like a lot of stories we read. A 10-year-old girl was stuck in a swing in an Oakland park, and she was rescued by firefighters with the jaws of life. But soon after, a thief made off with the life-saving hydraulic tool. Pretty sick tool. Yeah, dude.

He was just in a bind on a wood project. He's like, that would be exactly what I need. He goes back home. He meant to bring it back. They weren't there when I brought it back. Is there a picture of the tool? Is it right above there? Check this out. Yeah. Fucking A, bro.

There's a whole story. Put that in your garage. It'd be tight. Show all your friends. This next line is why I picked the article. Charles Welch told HTVU his granddaughter decided to get into a swing at the park at 16th and West Streets in West Oakland at about 7 p.m.

Too much information about child and swing. Just a kid in a swing is all we need. Because a kid in a swing don't know. I mean. The swing was manufactured by the Stanley Corporation. Yeah. Was that the girl that was in the swing at 7.55? No, this was around 7 p.m.

So you must have saw a different child stuck in a swing. She got stuck in it. As a matter of fact, she was too large to be in it anyway. Welch said. Oh, now he's calling her fat. Okay. The Oakland Fire Department had to use the Jaws of Life because the girl was smack dab stuck. What?

I've never read smack dab before. I've heard it plenty of times. Smack dab stuck. Legs, bottom and all. I've never seen it written before I've heard it plenty of times smack dab stuck legs bottom and all I've never seen it written out Written house this news reporter. It's not even in quotes. You know, that's what yeah, that's right from the horse's mouth My granddad they got caught in the seat and they had to come on over here And when I got here on capitalized I even better They had cut the seats and stuff loose. No one gives a fuck anymore, do they?

You get quoted and you don't, in your own quote, they don't capitalize it. Just makes me like read into who they were talking to a little bit more. Like he wouldn't have done it. I'm not doing it. I also like reading quotes that are like that, that it's like cut the seats and stuff. Cut the seats and stuff or whatever. A manager at a nearby market tells KTVU, the girl was scared. First, they tried to cut it, but it was too tight.

The girl was screaming. She wasn't feeling right. Then they had to take the whole swing down. This is a disaster from start to finish. The girl was saved from the swing and she'll be okay i yes i've picked that up so far i think the story would read a little different it would have led off with girl little girl dies and swing when jaws of life fails to rescue her jaws of life stolen when failed to rescue dead girl. That would have been the headline. So, so far,

I got it. She made it out. But in the aftermath of it all, firefighters realized their tool worth about $15,000 was missing. Somebody homeless probably came around here and picked it up and thought they could make some money off of it. The Jaws of Life weighs about 55 pounds.

It's not the lightest thing in the world, but someone could have easily picked it up and walked away with it. The device belongs to the firefighters at Station 1, just blocks from the park. No, the device belongs to the homeless guy who fucking just took it. And no longer belongs to them. I get misplacing a wrench. Like you're working on a car, and you're like, ah, not the right fit, and you put it down. And then the wrench is gone, and someone's like not the right fit and you put it down and then the wrench is gone and

someone's like i'll fucking take it but you put down the jaws of life and then just stop paying attention to it long enough for someone to be like you probably don't think someone's gonna take the jaws of life like there's no way what are they gonna do with it do you take the good you take the bad you take them both there you have the jaws of life can you imagine like yeah a homeless guy running around the jaws of life down the sidewalk yeah dude how scary that would be trying to pawn it yeah he's like you want this what the fuck am i using this for i don't know they get a girl out of a swing take it to pawn stars and like uh best i could do is like 10 bucks i'm gonna have to call in some firefighter experts i have a buddy that's a expert on jaws of life yeah come down and take a look at it yeah like how do you how do you

hawk that how do you resell it or is he just prized possession forever like imagine seeing a homeless guy with a shopping cart and the only thing is it in it is a jaws of life you'd be like dude you're going to jail cover it with a blanket dude yeah it's it's in a it's in a baby stroller oh let me take a look at it you just peel the top up it's just the jaws of life oh yeah uh yeah about five months old. Check this out. She can already chew solid food. Check this out. He holds an apple between it.

Like watching the hydraulic press channel. Putting a lead pipe in it. Watch this. She'll eat anything. She'll eat anything. What's the strongest thing you have? I don't know. I'm pretty strong. All right. Put your bicep in there. Put your arm in there She'll eat anything. What's the strongest thing you have? I don't know. I'm pretty strong. All right.

Put your bicep in there. Put your arm in there and see what happens. Eat that up. Fuck! Yeah, pretty strong. That's my girl. Anyway, we're going to go get our motorized cart and drive around Safeway. We need some orange juice.

Are you still carrying that Jaws of Life with you everywhere? Yep. Yup. Yup. Yup. I think you should try and get rid of that before you get caught. No. It's mine now.

It's mine now. i got a fair and square no you didn't you stole from the firefighters after they saved someone from the swing yeah right prove it prove it uh i was gonna say oh so now we know remember when we were last week when we were talking about like, what's 50 pounds in that list? Yep. Jaws of Life was not on that list, but it's right there. But what was on there? Was somebody said decent sized watermelon?

God, I still think about that list too. But guess what's not? My waist. Sick story dude Fuck this blog Jaws alive would be pretty cool to party though. Yes, I will say that check this out Think it'll smash still smash this let's find out think it'll open up this ATM. I bet it will Oh fuck yeah, yeah.

An ATM? That's why they stole it. You take that to an ATM. Now you're on to something. Talk about a deposit. Hell yeah, brother. Withdrawal. Withdrawal.

Whatever you're looking for. All right, well, someone's out there with the fucking jaws of life, and that makes me a little happier. Maybe they should put an air tag on it. Oh, nice. Maybe from now on they'll start doing that sure or the firefighter will just put it down and things be so blinded and they're peripheral that someone can run up and take a jaws of life anybody seen the jaws of life i put it right here are you sure yeah i'm sure where the fuck else would it be? Yeah. Did you put it back?

No. I would have known. I didn't put it back. No, it's 55 pounds. The fire truck's way over there. Yeah, but just being so in your job and someone just like... Hands in their pocket. Doing CPR on someone. And it just like...

Some guy's like, quick, hammer the jaws of life. And you go to grab it. And the guy's like... quick, hand me the Jaws of Life. And you go to grab it. And the guy's like, ha, ha, ha, ha. Running across the baseball field. Ha, ha, fuck you. It's like scalpel. Scalpel. It's like Jaws of Life.

Ah, shit. Here's the thing. It's gone. You're not going to believe this. You're not going to believe this. You lost another one? Oh, let me guess. You misplaced another Jaws of Life.

Johnson, that's three Jaws of Life. This week. Under your belt. Under your belt. Under your paycheck. Yeah, put a chain on it. Okay, let's do some lap time. I want to learn some facts. Hey, Zach, lap us.

Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. All right, he said something about facts. you little shits all right you said something about facts you little shits facts or whatever i got so many facts for you guys today let me find the best one here we go they get the best facts that's the one well you guys are both travelers so i thought i'd start with some traveling facts time traveling okay

but i want to ask you guys what do you guys think is the country that gets the most visitors a year us? That is number three Paris that is it it's France. Yeah country or shit France. I meant yeah Yeah, I'd say yeah something like that Spain is number two, which I thought was kind of a cool surprise Yeah, a little surprise. Yeah, what the end? All right, so I have a luggage facts thing for you, since I'm sure some of you guys have had problems with your luggage in the past. This is amazing.

Not a bum. If you've lost luggage on an airline and never got it back, it's very possible. It's possibly in Alabama. When airlines can't find the owner of lost luggage, they send it to Scottsboro, Alabama, and then sell it at the unclaimed baggage center, a 40,000 foot retail space

that stocks 6,000 items daily. What? That's where all my switchblades are? Dude, that's a fucking business itself. Yeah. How big? 40,000 square feet. My brain's having a hard time.

That's just a Walmart? I'm not sure. Not like an Amazon shipping center size? I don't know. Maybe look it up. See what the building looks like. I'm know maybe look it up see if i'm gonna look it up looks like i'm gonna look it up but 85 of the items they sell there are from lost luggage that's crazy pretty sad yeah that's a great business model though dude every for every

10 people throw one luggage aside ship it down there especially when you see laptops and shit and it seems like not the dumbest idea i always do anytime i always bring a tech that kind of shit with me on the plane i never put it in a put a little check bag yeah i remember bringing my guitar on tour on an airplane and watching the guys throw it just like just like a viral video i was like oh that's a taylor motherfucker i'll never do that that's why i took the train from then on it was like i'll just look at it i can look at it on a train okay did you find the building no well the build the place itself isn't necessarily bragging about how much shit they're I took the train from then on. It was like, I'll just look at it. I can look at it on a train. Okay. Did you find the building? No.

Well, the place itself isn't necessarily bragging about how much shit they're hawking. We've got six jaws of life. Not huge, but maybe bigger than you'd think. I'm clicking on a picture that just shows us a 40,000 square foot building. That's just your normal Walmart kind of thing. Okay. Maybe even a little smaller Walmart kind of thing. Okay. Maybe even a little smaller, probably. Yeah.

Something in there. But still. So they're getting all the deals. All the deals. Okay. That's kind of a strange thing. Yeah. All right.

Completely randomly onto something else. Love it. One of the greatest theme songs of all time, Duck Tales. Fuck you. We're going there. But actually, apparently in 2011, Forbes estimated that scrooge mcduck was worth 44.1 billion and with inflation and all that stuff it's 80 to 120 billion 80 okay so that's what it looks like to be able to jump into 40 billion dollars when he swims around in his little

thing because those are gold coins right so did they have to the value of one little gold coin and then try to fill up a pool with it yeah but i think they added assets and you know he's got a plenty like several planes and lots of people yeah launchpad mcquack yeah so all right here's another random completely off the topic two-thirds of all human beings on earth have never seen snow no i thought that was pretty crazy funny that you bring that up uh cassie and i um the i'm not sure if you guys know this but we watch the game show network we do know yeah we guys were aware it's possible yeah okay uh and we were watching the price is right which actually i don't think was on the game show network but um

they were one of the prizes that they were giving away was a set of snowboard and skis and the girl the lady was just like woo and then i just started talking to her and i was like how fun like there's so many people that have never snowboarded never skied yet alone ever been around snow like a ton like even people that have never snowboarded, never skied, yet alone ever been around snow. Like a ton. Like, even people that have been around snow, I know a lot of people

that have never gone to the mountain, don't ski, don't snowboard, so that just gets whittled and whittled and whittled down. And there's a ton of them.

So not even just been around snow, but gone to like skiing or snowboarding. I mean, it's kind of an elitist thing too. Yeah. It's expensive.

It's money. Yeah, not everywhere is expensive, but you go there and then you'll never go skiing again because it fucking sucks well you need to have a nice vehicle just to get up the fucking hill up the mountain so true a lot of people like oh i'll die on my way up there to have fun for expensive things all right and another random topic and since we've had fun with oj simpson in the past with his awesome rap video etc he. He was originally cast to play the Terminator, but the studio was afraid that no one would believe that he was a remorseless killer. I looked into that article and that was true. Was that before or after everything went down? That was before.

Just a little bit before, I think. Just like 20 years or so? Five days? No, I don't know. All right. This is one of my favorite things that's why he killed he came home from not getting the role i'll show you he came home early you guys know and then caught yeah whoopsie daisy all right this one's hilarious to me uh have you

guys ever played the game twister i feel like everyone has at least had it around you guys ever played naked twister well that's where this is going oh whoops in 1966 when the game twister i feel like everyone has at least had it around you guys ever played naked twister well that's where this is going oh whoops in 1966 when the game twister was introduced it was denounced by the people that denounce things like that as sex in a box sex in a box okay it never felt like sex in a box to me unless you know naked twister never played it. I would. But I haven't. Doesn't seem very attractive. Not really. Like, left hand, and your dick is just like... Mashed up against...

Mashed up. Her shoulder. It's sweaty. Like, you're shaking a little bit. And it's just pushed into your thigh. Because you have to get your right hand on yellow. And your gut is hanging out. Like, squishing into your dick.

It doesn't seem like a sex thing. No, lay down flat game would be more sexy than bend and show me your beer gut. Seinfeld had a great thing in one of the episodes one time where it's like there's good nudity. But the girl that he was dating just walked around nude. and it was like well that's kind of cool but then she was like opening up a thing of pickles and like her toe was curling up and like the muscles that were flaring up it was and it was like that's that's unattractive nudity yeah so like like twister would be one of those things because you you just get you're getting bendy and you're getting tired and everything's relaxed. Yeah.

Yeah. You got a butthole in your face and it's stretched out. You got a butthole in your face and a, and your own dick in your ass. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? Redhead,

red hand on blue. Oh no. I just related to unwanted nudity. Uh, like naked cruises. Okay. Never been on one, but something tells me the people that are going on naked cruises are

people i don't want to see naked yeah right good chance yeah yeah playing twister let's play twister let's play risk left hand butthole right hand untuck batwing all right this one's for you if you know you know this one's for both of you but joe since you were all state all the things that you ever tried to do in your life i want you to think about this one remember that leonardo da vinci could draw with one hand and write with the other hand at the same time so that's my challenge to either of you to try that i think that's amazing to be able to i couldn't i couldn't do it it's kind of like playing piano where you're playing the bass notes and the treble notes, but way fucking harder.

Music I can do. There was a period of my life, I mean, not long, because I realized that it would take way too much work to actually be good at it. I didn't care. But I was playing piano with my right hand and then also doing tap on the guitar. So I could change the chords. And I could do that, but I don't think I could draw and write. Can you guys do, like like it's kind of a drummer a drummer test?

It's the old move your hands in different circles. Opposite directions. If you gave me a week to practice it probably. Almost had it. Get those neurons fucking firing. Neuropathways engage.

That's working, right? That looks pretty close. Now chew gum. Your circles are a little more lines. Let me see yours. What do you mean? Oh, he's doing it faster, so you can't tell if he sucks at it or not. It looks right, though.

But you do your fingers in different circles. Yeah, see your back one goes and skips ahead. Well, Brian tried it. tried it joe you gotta try it here in the future and let us know if you can get close yeah of course i know i mean anything you anything you take a little time yeah but that's just the separation with drumming it's the two hands that can do different things but i could not i could not draw and write there's no way i get the idea though like so let's say like i wanted i'm like i'm curious to learn spanish so i learned a bunch of spanish and it's like or i don't know how to make that work so i'll figure out how to do it and then do it so like da vinci that dude probably never fucking relaxed he probably just wanted to do everything yeah you could so he could learn how

to do it i need to figure out how to do this so we just did it and then he was like all right i can do it now on and now i'm gonna go make a one of the greatest sculptures of all time knock that out real quick create some invent some fucking war canon i'll do that too and it would be interesting to see what he wrote and drew when he did that if it was like the crappiest thing and if you could take if you could take uh requests oh yeah here's a balloon animal dog can you draw a horse on a hot air balloon while you write this letter to my loved one no well what i can do is dude think about guitar where i mean you're you're essentially doing something completely different and you're strumming over here i mean it's a piano you're kind of doing that's exactly similar hands with piano but um yeah yeah that's why i could do it and then sing and you've seen

the people that can play drums and actually hit the cymbals and the snare while singing and playing guitar shit's pretty cool all right how about some moon knowledge this one's kind of fun you guys know the first people to walk on the moon were buzz and neil i call them by their first names because we're very close uh and they left poor michael collins in the ship by himself like a bunch of cunts can you imagine going all the way to the fucking moon and just having he was getting dressed he's like all right guys i'm ready to go oh fuck dude in the the the seal lock yeah they're bouncing they're running on the moon. He's looking out the window.

Check this out. Doing cartwheels. He's doing cartwheels. Imagine when they come back on the ship and they're like, that was amazing. He's just like, yeah, I've got this burrito in the tube. Yeah, well, I kind of want to go home. I'm ready to go. You guys ready to go?

My mom just called. I got to get out of here. Are you sure? Well, a lot of people know the first people. And Michael Collins gets forgotten a lot, so I like to bring him up. But the last man to walk on the moon did something kind of cool. His name was Gene Cernan, and he promised his daughter he would write her initials on the moon, and he fucking did. So TDC is on the moon somewhere, and it might be there for 10,000 years, and it might also be a way to claim land for his family. I don't know

but i just love that idea that that tdc is on the moon somewhere and it will never go away unless something hits that exact spot or something yeah we'll land right on it yeah he you get to take a trip up there he's like you see it it's right here see he's telling his daughter that'll be there for 10 000 years the next rover just like... He just wipes it out. But isn't that how you claim land? I mean, you put a flag down, you're like, I claim this land for Spain. He claimed this land for TDC and his daughter. Are we going back to the moon?

No. We've got unmanned stuff going up there. But nothing with people in it so far. Alright, here's a fun one that you might remember from... I'll do it with you. From back in the day. Birds aren't real, that whole thing. Obviously, most birds are real. I raise birds.

I promise you that birds are real, at least most of them. Because in the 1960s, the CIA did try and spy on Russia with an animal, but it wasn't a bird. It was called Project Acoustic Kitty. And they were actually surgically implanting batteries, microphones antenna inside of cats in the 1960s so my question to you guys is like what animal do you think they would be using at this point now that we're 80 years into the future bugs bugs yeah i would think no animal it would just be a machine that looked like a fly yeah made a fly can you imagine that fly on the wall That's where that came from. You get it.

Can you imagine meeting the guy like, I'm not sure the best place to put the battery in the cat. Maybe in his backside. Maybe in the lungs. And they gave up on the program because he just got footage and sounds of dumpsters in alleys. Like, go inside the building. We've got to train these fucking cats if we're going to invest in them like this. Just rogue cats. Yeah.

All right. We can't hear anything. Quit being happy. All right, so what's... The secret base is located... Every time! The hairball. Fuck this! All right, well, keeping with our tradition here,

completely different subject. Question for you guys. What's the longest you've ever been in a traffic jam for? Fuck. Because this is going to beat that, no matter oh i bet it is i think realistically we had yeah we had three to four hours added to a trip because of some car accidents uh seattle when the kids are little yeah we were going from we're going from cordillane beautiful to uh oceanside and we had to skirt seattle and go through olympian stuff and it was

so fucked like a trip that normally you know takes six hours or whatever we got in like at 10 o'clock at night it was a and that that's probably like the realistically the longest it felt like a whole day but probably three to four hours yeah i had six hours in san francisco and i had a good three hours in in seattle that turnpike that everybody has to just sit there for. What about you Brian? Yeah a few hours I remember going to Silverwood one year there was something going on and there's only one route that we at the time oh yeah so we were stuck on it and then uh LA there was a really bad one trying to get from Anaheim to downtown and then one time we drove from Vegas to LA and that's that whatever happened on that main drag there was just stopped at 100 degrees just stopped but i'm guessing we're gonna go like

snowstorm situation this was actually in china and china there was a lot of different things but it wasn't snow that did this but uh it was 12 days. Fuck. And some people stayed in their car for five of those days. So, I mean, people got out and were like, ah, fuck my car or whatever. But some people actually stayed in the car for five days. And the vehicles were only able to go a half a mile per day. Were they outside of like a zoo that the gates were broken? Were they inside Jurassic Park? Why the fuck would you knock it out of your car?

Right. I think they were in kind of a mid-area where there wasn't a lot of stuff going on. When I looked into it, it looked like it was a new freeway kind of thing and there wasn't that much area around that you could just go and have a sandwich or whatever. So how did, I mean, they used to refill cars with gas

on the go? I have no idea how that works. You probably shut them down and then moved a half an hour or or half a mile yeah well i guess maybe but maybe that was like for a half a mile as long as the weather was nice yeah you didn't have to be hot or be cold just imagine how frustrating that would be it'd be awful yeah it would be just add one more lane that's all you did just one more that's all you just show up to your business meeting like you're not 12 days late. I'm here to see Mr. Collins.

Two weeks, dude. What did it say? 14 days? 12 days. 12 days. Yeah. You show up and you're like, I'm here to see Mr. Collins. He retired.

Do you have an appointment? He hasn't been here for... Well, whoever's next, I need to see him. You're going to have to make an appointment. I fucking did 12 days ago. All right, Zach. All right, this one goes into our Can You Don't universe pretty good. But it's firstly about a flea.

The flea is amazing. It can jump 350 times their own body length, which would be about a person jumping the entirety of a football field. So now you know. Nice. It's a good measurement. A football field or a flea jump, I guess. Just a flea's bounce away or a flea jump, I guess. Just a fleas bounce away or a fleas leap.

Start saying that. Is that a saying? A fleas leap? A fleas leap? A stone's throw, a fleas leap? That's what it was. We just don't want to use the fucking metric system, do we? No.

Anything but that. You know that we're the only, this is actually on my list too, there's only three countries that don't use the metric system. We're one, but can you name the other two oh give us a guess they're very small it's a country yeah two of them taiwan no no they make things trinidad trinidad and tobago no are those types of sleds liberia and burma so we're in good company never would have guessed that all right this one's about whale farts i think this one was pretty interesting i never Bloods? Liberia and Burma. So we're in good company there for sure. Never would have guessed that. All right. This one's about whale farts.

I think this one was pretty interesting. I'd never thought about whale farts before or whale shit for that matter. You haven't? No. The ocean is probably littered with that. That's probably why it smells so bad. I don't know. So salty.

Yeah. But apparently a single fart bubble from a blue whale can encapsulate a full-grown horse. I would. I would. I'd pay to see that. Yeah. I'd pay to see that yeah i'd pay to see blue whales are huge dude just a fucking horse and a scuba deer scuba gear and a whale just like and the horse is like this gets taken to the surface yeah well i mean if it it's well it's carbon monoxide right and if or what is it methane yeah methane like you can't breathe that shit so i guess you would have to have scuba gear on yeah i was thinking maybe you could breathe it but

you could yeah you guys want one more one more let's do one more it's a cool fact you can check this one's interesting if you i mean you guys travel a lot and you see all these statues in the cool town squares and whatnot uh when statues were made to remember a person and the horses are involved, if there's a horse involved, if the horse has both front legs in the air, that person died in battle. If the horse has one leg in the air, that person died from battle wounds later. And if all four legs are on the ground, they died of natural causes. I had no idea about that, but that's pretty neat. What?

Did you cross-reference? I did. I looked into that one, yeah. That's wild. Yeah. That's kind of cool. So next time you see that, you'll be like, oh, that guy died in battle like a badass. Yeah, this guy just died of diabetes.

Diabetes. If it has no legs on the ground, then what? Then it was a god. General Lee, didn't they just take his statue down? Yeah, and they replaced it with a devil with his dick out. Yeah, so devil with the dick out. And with the monkey pox on his body. What was his statue?

Devil with a dick out. How did he die? We should look it up. Check it out. I'm going to look it up. All right, well, thank you, Zachy. My pleasure. Love the facts.

Learning stuff. Let's take a look at some good news, though. Let's roll it. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. So General Lee, Robert E. Lee

before they took down his statue, it was all for I don't know what he died from, but after battle. Natural causes. Is this hot air balloon causes natural. Is that a natural cause? No,

no legs on the ground. No horse legs on the ground is a hot air balloon. All right. Uh, what are we doing? Okay. So I want to throw this one in. This isn't like a big national story or anything,

but it's, uh, I think it's sweet. Okay. this one in. This isn't like a big national story or anything. But it's I think it's sweet. And it was sent in by our daughter Victoria. So this is in reference to the googly eyes stuff. Listening to episode barcodes stretch VCR donkey hole someone wrote in about googly eyes

and it reminded me of I forgot to send this in. Meet Ollie. My parents adopted him from rescue eyes and it reminded me of uh i forgot to send this in meet ollie i think is it ollie yeah ollie my parents adopted him from rescue that uh had to remove his eyes due to a bad infection he lived a great he lives a great life now except for when i do things like this i'm a mobile pet groomer and groom their dogs i bought googly eyes and used a dab of Elmer's glue to attack them. It says attack, but it's supposed to

be attach them very lightly. To attack them very lightly. Kind of like that teacher. Yes. Just a subtle chokehold. Just a subtle chokehold to make sure I can finish this book. Before people get crazy, Elmer's glue dissolves in water. So chill out. Okay.

But I hardly dabbed any on there i wish i had a video of just how funny it was watching walk around with googly eyes my parents tried to act like they were horrible but were giggling the entire time and so then she posted a picture of a little guy oh my goodness look at that with that with that uh underbite the underbite of the teeth but how adorable is that i want to see him turn his head real quick. Yeah. He's like. It's hard to make googly eye noises.

Yeah. Because that little rattle. They shake around. Yeah, it looks like he's having a good time. That's so funny. We've got some good stuff lately. The dog and then the the dad the dad with the yeah the dad with the cancer yeah and he was in a coma and she's put googly eyes on him

yeah keep having a sense of humor yeah it's just like you know you do something when there's something sad or something that seems like it should be sad you just uh liven it up a little bit Good sense of humor helps you sleep at night. My dead mom would have been so pissed if I did that to her. I wish I would have now that I think about it. I know. At least it brightens up the memory for you. I picture it now in my head.

It's like, oh, yeah, dead mom. All right, you found something. You're going to show us something. All right, let's fucking do it. Zach! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right?

Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! All right. Okay, this is wild. I always kind of wondered how snakes poop and stuff. Okay.

But I've never been like, I should look that up. I'm learning about all sorts of butthole stuff. Yeah, we are. Animal buttholes. Welcome to Can You Don't? Again, for people who are watching, you can see the video, but this is a snake having like explosive poops. And his mouth's open.

And then you can see him kind of clenches by like his muscles clench it's gonna be a lot it just flies out of his ass snakes they're just like us yep they just they shit like we do here we go all right let's take a peek whoa it's like a shot of matchbox car. Yeah. Oh my god One more I think Just do the bubble again. Yeah, I just want the bubble the bubble poop oh here we go this sounds like a like a wet soup boiling over but you can see

his whole body clinch up just like but I mean it's like a it's a hard splat like pop yeah and that one

just watch this shit the very first how far it goes i mean it goes two feet the very first the very first one that comes out looks like it's a match box car that under the couch like a micro machine yeah and that's what caused the diarrhea see yeah we have two of those kind of snakes yeah anyway area see no we have two of those kind of snakes yeah anyway but I just didn't look at his face he's like I feel you man nothing like getting one of those out of the way he must have eaten like a full deer or something and I'm guessing if you looked up... If you looked up... If you looked up what?

Snake diarrhea. You'll find it. Clean up aisle three. Where is it? I should go to the soundboard somewhere. Yeah, it sounds like getting lost in a little mud farm. Like you're pulling your leg out. Oh, my shoe's gone.

Yeah. All right, let's hear it from the kids. Zach, play the next thing. Thank you. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool.

All right, our first email coming in from our pyro son philip or is it a heart or is it a heartbeat hmm is it pillop i'm assuming it's philip okay hey goose flabby dicks daddies i just wanted to mention one day I was riding my bike to where I usually went to steal a Wi-Fi signal. Oh, my God. That reminds me. Which happened to be inside the porch of this family-owned store on the corner of the road. Quick side note. Just sharing my life for the whole world.

There was a period in my life where I had a condo that didn't have Wi-Fi. But I was able to stay there for free, and I would have to drive around the corner and park next to another family to download porn to go back home and watch it. So I'd sit in my car and download what I thought was going to work, and I didn't have a choice.

This is what I have to take home. I've got to make sure. It's got to be good. And the Wi-Fi is shit, and you're just hoping for the best. Looking around. Anyway, Pillop, back to you. I playing a game, or whatever. That's what it says.

And while sitting next to the trash can, the ones that people leave out by the road, but beside it was a pack of matches. Dumbass me being your son. That's fair. I non-thinkingly started to pull one match out and light it on the striker and then toss it in the trash can without blowing it out

but whipping it through the air. Okay? So having fun with matches. You guys ever do that one with your friends and you throw the match at them? Like you'd light it off the, like push it off the thing and throw it at your friend's shirt? Maybe. I think we like our friends more than that, maybe. Oh, okay.

Yeah. Anyway, hope they're doing well. Whipping through the air, I thought they were out, but apparently not. I went back to my dad's house. Mind you, I'm in my mid-teens, took a shower, and he got home with groceries, so I helped him, helped out them up. That's what it says. Yep. Fuck. This is why i have so much trouble

this is why i mean this is partially why okay let's read that sentence again exactly as written he got home with groceries so i helped out them up and afterwards got back to my bike to go back to the spot for the wi-fi the flames were to the roof of the porch oh my god by the time i got there and i said oh god damn it feels like a dick in the butt sorry but no i first called my dad because i seen another car had parked off the road and i assumed they were calling 9-1-1 after they got No worries. They'll take care of it. After talking with him, I wrote a few houses down

to the owner of the store's house and they weren't home, but their son is. He opened the blind with a dumb smile being the dumb ass he is. Sorry. Even longer story.

And I tried explaining the store was on fire. He's like, can't hear you. These are double pain. The what's on fire. You did what with a tire? No. The what's on fire. You did what with a tire? No, your store's on fire.

You flat your tire? I tried to explain the store was on fire and whatnot, and we rode down there, and the fire trucks were starting to show up then. My reaction was to pull out my phone and start recording the fire that was now on the second floor. He goes, I'm going to get so many views.

Skip forward a bit. story's in ashes nothing stands left eventually since i was one of the first on the scene i had the fire marshal come down to my dad's door and want to interview me and without getting into too much detail i had some texts from the night prior of the store son trying to get me to go to that porch area and smoke, but I had a text saying I didn't want to because I didn't like him. My dad didn't even know for the longest time that it was me. What the fuck is the fire marshal doing? Okay, that checks out. So you

were going to go, but then you said no. Okay. I was brought into the fire station for another interview and I was cool and collected surprisingly so nothing came of it and I got away with accidental arson, guys. Did I make you proud? That's my favorite part. No.

Did I make you proud? Nope, you didn't. But I love setting shit on fire as much as the next guy. But I'm glad you got away with it. I'm glad no one was injured. And I'm glad that you wrote whatever you wrote about help groceries up, down, need. Up, down, in, out, fire, dude. Help groceries wrote about help groceries up, down, need. Up, down, in, out, forward, dude. Help groceries in, down, up, now, need.

Oh, pillow. The words were there. There's nothing in the right order. Yeah, they're trying. The words are trying. All right. Well, I'm glad you didn't get in trouble. I'm glad you didn't get in trouble.

All right. You have our next story? Yeah. Hit me. We have our second email coming in from our Olympic diver son, Gregory. Yeah. He would have been better in that. Was it the Vietnamese team?

Remember? The whatever. The belly floppers? Yeah. All right, he writes, With a Z. I love a good bridge jump fail. Oh, going way back.

I spent a good Saturday night at the Three Forks in Montana. Rodeo, and we decided to partake in some classic river shenanigans. Sunday. That was written properly. Shenanigans Sunday. Okay. So naturally, after some breakfast beers, I decided to attempt my first gainer. Needless to say, it didn't go well.

The first ones never do. No. Not the best way to jump into work week. Feel free to play the video so hopefully others learn from my mistakes. Interesting rumor. Apparently some rednecks got pissed. Hippies were jumping off the bridge and placed a pitchfork in a cement bucket and threw it in. So far no one has found it.

Jesus Christ. If you need to contact me, I'll be your local corner casino. There's a bait shop attached to it. Willie's Worms and Casino. Yep. Much Love Daddy's Charlie. Nelly's Nightcrawlers and Casino. All right, let me get this.

I mean, that sounds like a fucking Montana thing to do. Yeah. But I hope they didn't put a fucking pitchfork with cement. What a shit. That's going to be a moita. Yeah, that's going to be jail time. All right, are you going to play it? Yeah.

See what happens to Charlie? You played on yours, Joe. Okay, yeah. I got it pulled be murder. Yeah, that's going to be jail time. Are you going to play it? Yeah. See what happens to Charlie? You played on yours, Joe. Okay, yeah. I got it pulled up here. Here we go. All right, Charlie, I got the video. His first gainer is from about 40 feet. Not a good time for your first gainer. Video's rolling. Okay, watching.

Amateur video's the best. Didn't go well. Guessing under-rotated. And dead. Right on his fucking head. Right on his head. Almost like the death dive where you get to fold in half so it doesn't hurt as bad.

At least he got away with that. If he would have unfolded and went straight to his stomach. Well, Charlie, I'm glad you didn't end up with a concussion and two black eyes Charlie probably bit his finger hitting the water that hard it's the same one

can you imagine yeah alright guys well that's episode 116 I should know that's my lucky number sign up be part of the gaggle

we will keep going with bonus content 117 117 yeah is that also your lucky number I should know that's mygle. We will keep going with bonus content. That was 117. 117, yeah. It was 117? Yeah. Is that also your lucky number? I should know that's my lucky number. Sign up to get the bonus content. Patreon.com slash Can You Don't Podcast.

Something you want to see on the show, you send it in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Of course, we've got the socials and the video version. If you want to see a snake shiddle over a kitchen floor and watch Charlie smash his face into the river, pop a 40-foot gainer. And then also, we had a picture of a dog with googly eyes. Rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcasts. Big thanks to Uncle Zach for producing today's show. Be checking out everything he does at scatcast.com. That is scat with a K.

Do not do scat with a C unless you want to come. Thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. Unless you're into jizzing. 20-something thousand people in there all fucking causing mayhem. All right, wrap it up. What you got for us, Zach? Oh, I got it. Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? All right. Joseph. I'm ready for you. Mr. Country Boy. Yeah. What do you call a sheep who can sing and... What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance?

What? Lady Baba. I get it. I'd listen to that version. That reminded me of you doing that. It just reminded me of that one old meme that was cut up with that Taylor Swift song with the goat Oh, yeah It's a good one, it's a classic. All right, let's get going with the bonus shit. Let's roll it. Give me a bye. Fuck. Yeah, dude Outro Music