Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Jaywalking. Horses. Table. Cheese Sneeze.

Episode Date: June 22, 2022

How long could you last in a relationship if your partner had a super bizarre kink you weren't into? Let's talk about that, not knowing that horses existed in other parts of the world, the messed up stuff fast food workers can do to your food, have French fries whenever you want, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** PLEASE RATE AND REVIEW US ON WHATEVER PODCAST PLATFORM ALLOWS YOU TO! IT HELPS MORE THAN YOU KNOW ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/eFFfyM4e9q0Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

J-Walking. Horses. Table. Cheese sneeze. Can you say episode four? Four! And I am excited to say that we are recording this episode after we released the first episode. So we have a little room to add some shit to the show, which I'm excited to get to today, because there's some really funny stuff that you guys have sent our way that we're going to cover in today's episode. I feel like we're basically talking for a month from now. Right. Which is nuts.

I don't know where I'm going to be in a month from now. You know what I mean? We got gifted a sliver of a handful of hours to add additional content to this show before we were 100% a month out from the time that we recorded the first episode. So, first episode came out today. This is episode four. And we're tying in some of your stuff.

You, the first whatever amount of emails we've gotten are so funny that they're changing the game, and I cannot wait to get into them today. They couldn't wait to get us those emails either. They're so eager. They're sitting on them. Yeah, they're like waiting for it. I cannot wait. And speaking of that,

if you want to send in any content suggestions just dumb stuff you've done or arguments that you've had in your life for petty beef you can send that into hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and before we get into the show we do have a couple quick announcements one of which uh of requests from people that have written in or contacted us on our social media accounts asking where they could send in some fan mail so guess what we got a fucking p.o box hell yeah there's somebody that they can send we they can send us can you send us booze uh yeah is that legal no we've well we got logan's laughing out there we've gotten plenty of booze sent to us in the past okay so i think you not not supposed to do it, but you can do it. Yeah. Wink, wink.

Don't do it. Don't send us. Hey, local breweries from across the country, don't send us anything. Right. We would hate that. It's going to be in the episode description, but just to tell you right now, it's Can You Don't, P.O. Box 1062, Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, 83816. I feel like I listen to PBS or something.

From viewers like you. Yeah, from viewers like you. Thank you. Send feel like I listen to PBS or something. From viewers like you. Yeah, from viewers like you. Thank you. Send in your booze from viewers like you. Viewers like you. What are you drinking? Natty Ice? Us two.

Milwaukee's Best Ice. I know. We were just talking about Milwaukee's Beast, as we used to call it back in the day. I haven't seen that shit in so long. That was our camping beer. We used to just get thrash. We'd get like 230 bombs. Rainier. Oh, yeah. Remember that shit? I long. That was our camping beer. We used to just get thrash. We'd get like two 30 bombs. Rainier. Oh, yeah. Remember that shit? I still crush rainiers.

There was a, in Montana, I remember there was like Smitty's. Oh, yeah. That's still around. Is it? Yeah. With the deer and the whole hunting can? I think it is. Oh, good for them. Yeah. Still kicking. Don't send that in. We only want the high quality stuff. Right. We can get the shit anytime we want.

Just so you know, above Smitty's is Keystone. Oh, yeah. So that's like where they land on the scale of... So that's why I don't want you... Keystone Tallboys? I don't want you to send us Smitty's. Yeah. Because it's below all that.

Yeah. I've got plenty of merch available. Head over to canyoudontpodcast.com and pick that up. Logan doing a great job. And of course, we'll be adding new things, some ringtones, stuff like that as we move forward. But here is the biggest news of the opening of the show is that we will be launching a Patreon as we head into the month of July.

Fucking goddamn right. I'm so excited for that. There's going to be three different tiers. There'll be Silly Goose, Super Silly Goose, and then Super Duper Silly Goose. And each one of those has their own perks but the perks across the board are going to be early access to every episode you'll get ad-free versions um and then if you skip to the next level you'll get exclusive merch uh there's going to be well you know obviously the ability to directly message you and i uh but that next step above Silly Goose, you get a

20% discount code on all that merch that we're talking about. And as I have written in here on Patreon, you have a bigger and tighter genitalia, which I think is pretty cool. And then the big step up, if you donate and you are a super duper Silly Goose, you get your name on the motherfucking website. Hell yeah! And we'll post it

up there along with everything else. And then, of course, in contrast to what the super silly goose gets, the super duper silly goose gets the biggest and tightest going to tell you. Yes.

So if you're in the other category, you get a bigger and tighter one. But just know that everybody above you with the super duper is bigger and tighter. They're all going to be

walking around in the gaggle just swinging around. Oh, wait. They'll be walking around as geese, just going. Like a horse cock airplane noise. A goose with a horse. I don't think that's what geese sound like, Brian. Well, with genitalia that large, who knows what the fuck they sound like.

You don't know how that affects wind. Yeah. The wind wind. Yeah. Wind resistance, yeah. You don't know how that affects. You're just dragging it through the water. It comes down to land and you're dragging their dick through the pond. You know those, what are they called, foils? Hydrofoils?

Yeah. Yeah. You're a hydrofoil goose. If you have a dick that big, you can just ride above the water. Well, it would look like a hydroplane, the boat. Sure. The big rooster tail. Right. You're shooting a rooster tail because your cock's hanging in the water that is the best goose you kidding me uh and then today we're doing our first ever what the fuck just

happened so we're excited we're going to show you what that's all about we'll explain it a little bit more when we get there uh but we are pumped to show you this new segment that we have here for you on episode four of Can You Don't. Are you ready to get going? Hey, before we go, just going back to the Patreon as a silly goose,

we have a special handshake that I'm really trying to get Joe to adopt. And this is the silly goose handshake. It's very awkward. But I think it's hilarious. If you're just listening, it's just it's very awkward but i i think it's hilarious you're just listening it's flat palm no grips and you just rub your hands together yeah it's you don't you don't squeeze the hands at all you just rub them flat to each other yeah two stilts touched each other and i just i want to see some people out and about when they greet someone doing that if you do we'll

know you're a silly goose and you're part of the gaggle it's going to stand out yeah are you kidding me you look over that'd be so confusing for everyone who's not a part of the club really just two people straight straight arms straight fingers i'm just so happy to see another one of us out in the world and they're just doing this weird fucking handshake i if i see that i i will shit myself again i will shit myself and then buy you a drink yes oh yeah drinks on us okay well you ready to get into it yeah let's do it all right logan If I see that, I will shit myself again. I will shit myself and then buy you a drink. Yes. Oh, yeah. Drink's on us. Okay.

Well, you ready to get into it? Yeah, let's do it. All right. Logan! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. And this was sent in by stupid fucking idiot Logan, but not our Logan. Yeah.

And this one is a bit of a brain buster. Are you ready? I'm ready. You have to commit and be charged with one crime. Okay. Whatever crime that is, no one will ever be able to commit that crime again. Which crime do you choose? Okay.

So here's something to put in the old brain palette. So if I do this crime, it can never be done again by anyone ever? Anyone. Nope. It has been erased from the illegal category. So you're being the sacrificial lamb to better, so you could choose something that would better society if you wanted to be anthropologist.

What's that? Anthropologist. If you want to go dig up some bones and all that. Wait, is that anthropology? Dude, I have no idea. That's paleontology. Philanthropic? Yeah, philanthropic.

Anthro. What the hell did I say? I don't know. You were just fucking. Did you just watch a Jurassic Park trailer? I just wanted to say a big word. Like scuba-duba-da-la-da-la-da. What?

What do you know that I don't um not a whole lot okay so you want to be a helpful part of society uh you would get caught and you would do the time for the crime yeah but then no one else would be able to do it and i think my first thought on this was going i'd be like you know what i'm gonna suck it up i'm gonna be the bigger man and i'm gonna fucking kill somebody yeah murder comes it's the first one right but my my lord listen to me my brother in christ if you do that then no one else gets to murder anybody else for any reason and that's a world that's gonna turn to shit yeah really quick because you need to weed people out people need to be murdered think about think about putin yeah no one has a chance to kill him because you killed whatever you killed whatever person you like even hitler killed himself okay i mean that's it well that's another thing yeah you

commit suicide well you still commit suicide i said murder is a suicide a crime uh i don't know maybe by jesus jesus will be very disappointed in you. He'll be like, come on, man. I gave you this awesome life. Oh, my God. Look at your parents, your house. You have a sweet job. I gave you every opportunity. Look at your car.

It's a Beamer, baby. It's a Beamer, baby. Why'd you get out of here? God damn it. If you would have taken the wheel, I wouldn't have driven off this cliff. Right? And now we blame Jesus. Well, in his defense, they couldn't drive back in zero or whenever he lived.

So he wouldn't know how to drive. Could you imagine putting Jesus in a car and he's just like, nope. He's looking around, touching stuff, like spinning knobs. Turning the hazards on and off. Just like, I don't know. It's so confusing. it's so funny someone from that time period put them in a like move them forward in a time machine this is a funny chariot yeah where are the horses exactly where there's no horses what horsepower is this guy 278 i don't see a damn horse in sight brother well down there do they have horses down there or is it just camels

what horses are a lot of places are they universal they have horses down there or is it just camels? What? Horses are a lot of places. Are they universal? They have to be. I've never been to the Middle East. Okay. Well, the Romans had horsies. Well, we think they did. I mean, can we prove that? Yes.

Where's the proof? I don't know. Go back to anthropology. I apologize. The clothing store? That's Annarombie. But. Anacrombie?

The hell? Omicron. No, that's COVID strain. Oh, that's Anaconda. Okay. I don't want none. My favorite clothing brand, Anaconda and Finch. And Finch.

Anaconda and Finch. No, but of course they did, you fucking idiot. They can find bones. I know. Okay. So those are there. Horses are everywhere. But going back to the question.

We had a question, didn't we? Yeah. You wanted to go big. Yeah. Or at least I did. I wanted to go big. Or go home. So I could stop some of the bigger crimes.

And then the more I'm thinking about it now, I want to go for something petty. Like, because there's a lot of things that are crimes in different parts of the world different whatever especially in my world i would for sure mod up my fucking car to be way too loud and then i'd get a i get a citation i get in trouble for it and then no other cars get to be uh purposefully loud for no reason those little honda civics Those little Honda Civics. You know what that sounds like? That's when they shift down. The Pharaoh's car. They sound like that mummy.

A Ford mummy? Going for petty stuff like that. Any traffic violation, really. So you could run a red light. And then no one else gets to run a red light anymore and then there was one i was kicking around i was thinking about you know it's like one of the shittiest citations or a crime that you could break would be jaywalking but if you did it and you got in trouble and no one else got to jaywalk anymore you turn into the fucking sims

like you'd be oh yeah like down every sidewalk and like bbb like pushing the little light at the corner yeah i may not cross till the light turns and i would hate that for me because sometimes it's okay to cross without the crosswalk guy telling you i almost hit a guy today who just was walking across the street so you kind of jaywalking but i mean you jaywalk no i do yeah yeah no doubt how pissed would you be if you could not do it yeah i would suck i mean you're in a hurry and you got to wait for the stupid light to change do you guys have those in spokane where you push the button yeah in cordelaine wait wait where do you think you're fucking going slow down nobody just goes wait wait wait wait wait wait

and then of course when that happens my kids are they do it so you're pushing it's just going wait Slow down! Nobody just goes, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. And then, of course, when that happens, my kids, they do it. So they're pushing. It's just going, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait.

Wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. How fun would it be when once it turned, it went from wait to go. Fucking run! Get out of here! Hurry!

Shoot! Traffic's coming! Shoot! Get out of my space, you! Run! Get the fuck! Jesus Christ! Well, some of those some of those they they are really fast like it turns to walk you start walking then a hand starts blinking like

oh my god what am i gonna die and some dude just like down the street waiting to plow you over yeah but there's so many things that i don't know the more i thought about that I would want to take away as an option. I thought about money laundering. Like, would I launder money so that no other person, but I'm sure there's a good reason to launder money. That's not funny. I mean, that's... We'll die. And I have to do the crime for it.

So I'm fucking locked up forever. If you're going to do it, you need to do something that's memorable. Well, okay. So like, there's manslaughter. All right. So you have like murder one, murder two, you have manslaughter. Maybe just go out's there's manslaughter all right so you have like murder one murder two you have manslaughter maybe just go out and do some manslaughter like get you know get drunk get drunk behind a car and plow a family kill kill a family go away for five years but then that can never happen again and so your family's safe oh man

you took someone else's family out but yours yours is safe forever. My brain just went so, so dark. Well, immediately when I first thought about this, my first thought was I would rob my house of something petty, so then I would never get it. Like a lava lamp or something? Yeah, like something that was just like, okay, you're getting a slap on the wrist,

and now no one can ever do that again. But then my second initial thought was, oh, I would just kill myself or kill my family then no one would be able to kill my family not thinking that it was the crime it was the actual act like well my family wouldn't die but no they would because i murdered them yeah right so that doesn't make any sense they are erased now going back to the um accidental manslaughter or whatever the official charge is called yeah accidental uh accidental, quote, unquote, yeah. But I don't know why my brain went here,

and I don't even know how this would play out. Let's say that you're behind the wheel of the car, and you're like, what I'm going to do is slam a family in a crosswalk. Like, that's just, I don't know, you came to that conclusion, I don't want this to happen to anybody else, but me and this family are going to pay for it. And you go to slam through them, and your car just stops, and it won't let it happen because they're not a family.

But that dad doesn't know. That dad thought that they were his kids this whole time. So they're not actually a family. He never got a blood test. Right. So he never got it tested. You don't get to kill a family. Like, he could be a stepdaddy.

Well, fine. You know? So you found a chink in the armor. Yeah. Well, there's always a loophole i get to say well if i if i mow this family down i just say that jesus took the wheel and jesus mowed these people over and then jesus goes to jail jesus goes to jail he goes to jail for our sins that sounds like a children's book yeah jesus goes to jail like earnest volume two jesus goes to jail again earnest volume two jesus goes to jail again

episode two what did he do borrowed his neighbor's wife so jesus he's already he's already taken the ultimate sacrifice right he died for all of us so he can go to jail for us too because apparently he came let's say he died came back ran over a family and then went to jail and now no family can ever be killed again and jesus takes that weight on his shoulders somehow how to uh found out how to start that fucking car you know what i do and lost control well yeah he was clanking around pushing but it was a push start button and then yeah and he started up and he was he'd been drinking wine and his sandal got caught underneath the wedge underneath there and his loincloth he get yeah that stuck around the shifter he had no idea what the fuck was going on took off and plowed right through the family so to answer the question and then

we're going to move on um i think i would go with something petty like um or not petty but going on your like on burglary yeah i don't care what it is i don't think I'd ever support that because if you do it the only time I would ever support robbing somebody is if they took it from you but if you do it they can no longer take it from you for you to go get it back so now all the shit that you have

that is what you have and everybody knows that's what you bought so I think the answer is burglary to me that's the the first thing that came to my mind and i still think it's the best thing because you can do something so petty to set that precedent that can never be changed okay logan do you have any thoughts on this before we move on yeah i mean yeah burglary of my own home but i wouldn't be able to be charged with that would i that's where my brain went home i don't think able to be charged with that, would I? That's where my brain went first. Oh, you robbed your own home.

I don't think you can get charged for that. Yeah, you'd have to go. So I'd have to rob my neighbor. Oh my God, just grow up and rob your neighbor. God. Just rob a good one. Do it already. Rob a good one.

Some old lady. Yeah. She's not going to miss. She's going to be dead soon anyway. And we talked about what constitutes that. You could steal a butter knife, probably. Her favorite butter knife that she's had since the depression it's that china butter knife she rarely uses the one that has still

screws and it's one of that old shitty wood handle with like the weird porcelain plates on each side my grandparents they still have that old like there's there's forks and knives that were old when i was a kid going over their house and they're still in her drawer. She hasn't updated her silverware in 30 years. They smell like teeth. Teeth and moth balls. Teeth and moth balls? And the depression.

It smells like we don't have a lot of money. It smells like there's no food or money. It just smells like dust. Yeah, dust and pancakes. Okay, let's move move on I think we figured that one out I think we did let's just rob some people

okay Logan do it hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing

actually you know what I'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about so we're four episodes in and I still think that's amazing

that's me that's being your wife i don't know we recorded in bed and i'm never gonna let you forget it live it down i'm about to do some shit with your wife my wife you apparently already did and you said it was gross i was kidding no you're not kidding are you no okay so what are you thinking about this week this email dude fucking fucking nice track music choice hold on i have i have the option to turn it up dude crank that shit i'm trying i'm trying to hold it down but it's not working oh fuck you're not you're not holding the show down that's frozen dude really oh this is just gonna it's just getting is it getting louder it's getting gradually louder logan turned it up but

it's frozen dude it won't shut off no i can't do anything i mean i'm not just i'm not mad about it it's amazing i'll close the i'll close the whole program a little bit so i'm excited about this because this is also the first time we've had a listener submitted story come into the show and this came in and it blew my fucking mind and we're going to uh i'm going to preface this by saying i'm not trying to kink shame but sometimes or king what the fuck is a king shame i don't know i thought you said king like i'm just like invest shaming the king i will not with his head no kink okay like you know like doing fucking

yeah like kinky but not just fucking you know like the weird part of fucking that's what kinky is okay a more specific like doesn't have to be

penetration why am I defining what kinky is to a 40 year old man no where have you been I misheard you how's your sex life bud not good

we have two kids and they're little I've had sex twice I saw strictly missionary I picked out one I was looking at the script there's one word life but not good we have two kids and they're little i've had sex twice i i saw that strictly missionary i was looking at the script there's one word that i picked it it says aroused that was the first word that came in i saw that i'm like and now i am aroused cool all right so we're reading this this is a an email from britney and it says when i was in college my boyfriend at the time was super into my farts oh which not a sentence you read very often turned on by her farts he's super into it okay yeah he would

get aroused if i would pass gas and if they smelled he would instantly get hard oh what one day while we were in the middle of getting busy he said he didn't think he'd be able to finish, so he asked me to fart. Oh my god. I pushed a little too hard, and not only did a fart come out, but so did a little rosebud. The fart made him cum, and he put his nose in my ass, not knowing a little something extra came out. What in the world is going on? When I turned around and looked at him, he had shit on his nose in my ass not knowing a little something extra came out what in the world is going on when i turned around and looked at him he had shit on his nose luckily he was not grossed out by it oh he's not seems like that's where his dick works

glad i'm not dating someone with that nasty fetish now anyway bye britney thanks britney hold on i i think i need a second to process this so and again not kick i mean not kick shaming like i've learned over the years do not yuck somebody's yum yeah so there's people out there but i will say that doesn't mean i can't find it a little funny no it's hilarious yeah i i would never judge someone for what they're into but but that snare is just so funny. Like if I found out about this and they had like, they worked for me, I wouldn't be like, you're out of here. You're fired.

Right. Yeah. That's not how that would work, but I would know that you came to farts. But maybe you're like, well, on the other side of it, you're like, God, her asthma smell delicious. Right. Like, is it, is he just into like. Which book alone is she using? her asthma smelled delicious. Right. Like, is it, is he just into like, yeah, is he just into,

um, like the fart smell or does her fart just smell so good that it's like, it's kind of like when, when I, like animals in heat, they can sense that smell, you know, you know what I mean?

No. And that's where they bottle Calvin Klein. Is it like musk or whatever? Yeah. When two beavers want to fuck each other they just bottle that up and that's what we rub on our necks yeah no no I mean it feels like that's maybe that's maybe the same thing like the feet and look at his female you know she's like he letting all the gas do you extract it from like anal glands is that what you're talking about yeah like and just imagine

this happening like there's a guy's like I don't have a gal with this you know and he's oh and she's he's just picturing like what i'm assuming they're having sex right like this is intercourse going on so they're just going at it he's like he's like he's like come on and she just starts ripping and he's just like oh just immediately starts going rap rap, rap, rap. I picture him saying like, instead of saying fart, he says toot. Oh yeah. I'm not sure why that's funny on the set.

Well, can you rip ass? Hey baby, can you toot? Yeah, because he would, hey, can you rip ass so I can come? Can you please pass? Oh. Can you please pass? Can you pass it?

I imagine this dude gets so obsessed that he eventually carries around just fart spray in his pocket. I know. And that's what I'm worried about. Where, where is this guy because i don't want him i mean i kind of want to be his friend to learn more but he also

it also scares me a little bit picture this though what if what if he has her like fart in a jar right and you put it you know put a cap on it and he's having a bad day at work yeah he's just like he just he just goes he grabs it he's like it's kind of all better you know what it is it's you know how they have like um nose uh spray things you shake them up and spray them yeah he just bottles farts in that and then he just goes in there he's like squirting it up his nose he's all erect get home baby now he's all erect at work. Something to look forward to. He's rubbing one out at his desk and just smelling farts. But I love the picture that was painted where he went down there to smell it. Yeah.

Because he had to get to the source. And then he came out and he just had shit on his nose. That's a funny Rudolph. Well, okay. That's just a... You turn around and you're like, oh my God, babe, I'm so happy you came. And you look at him and he has your shit on his nose. Yeah, Rudolph the shit nose.

Fart guy? Yeah. Rudolph the shit nose boyfriend. What's his name? Do you have a name? It doesn't say, no. Jonathan the shit nose boyfriend. No.

Had a very stinky nose. And I will say, Brittany, you're a fucking champion she is because i you don't know you're gonna get into a relationship and you don't know what kinks they have and she was willing yep to uh accommodate this guy's kink yeah instead of being like you know that's disgusting how am i with you she went along with it kind of like we were saying she's toots it one time where like um what girls are like, you know, I like your size of penis. They just do that just to. When were we talking about this?

I don't know. See, we recorded this a couple days ago, but it was a month ago when we talked about it originally. Ah, cool. So I'm trying to remember how this worked. But, you know, like, oh, no, I think you're fine. Perfect size. You're perfect size but they're just saying that just to so like this guy's like i guess wish you would fart more

exactly yeah if you just fart this would be perfect relationship if you would just just feeding them beans no it's great it has nothing to do with that just eat this fucking taco before you fuck me and then we're gonna be in love forever baby i like just imagine like you you you you know you blow your load and then you immediately it's kind of like taking a shot and then licking the salt he's like blowing his load and hopping out real quick and getting down there to sniff sniffy it's kind of like like that icing on the cake of the orgasm. But I mean, I've always said, you know, as relationships go on, you have to adjust to each other's things. Yeah.

And things will end like that. But it did make me want to look up other sexual fetishes that are out there. Oh. And so I have. And some of them I will not be able to pronounce because I'm illiterate. But this one is macrophiliacs, which you get off to giant things. So not my penis. Like oversized, not like regular sized folk, like a giant shoe or Godzilla or maybe Andre the Giant.

Wait, a shoe or Godzilla? What the hell? What? Like a big giant's foot, like a giant shoe. Yeah. Yeah. Or Godzilla. Or Godzilla's shoe or sure it could be fucking godzilla's shoe are you saying gonzilla yeah what the hell is gonzilla it's his brother he left two years ago that's why they call him that godzilla but godzilla

is named after gonzilla right um and then you have spectrophiliacs who are riled up by ghosts. Can you imagine being turned on by some ghosts? You're scared, then you're turned on immediately. Trichophiliacs, they dig long hair. Kleptolagnia, it's all about stealing. So stealing stuff. But man, there's so many good ones in here. Sexual arousal to feces well maybe that guy's

oh two guys one cup or two girls one cup hobophilia sexual fantasy with homeless people so that's fine i don't i mean is that because like you want to go back to your place i don't have a place sploosh moist and dripping but it goes on forever and ever. So of course, out of all of these that I've read, uh, I'm not that shocked that there's people that are love farts. Plus I've been in the darkest parts of the internet where I have learned about people smelling farts in jars, uh,

for a ton of money, like making hundreds of thousands of dollars selling fart jars. So it's probably way more common than I think it is. It would be the first time that happens when you just think you're out on this date or you go back home and do that, and then you get that request. It seems like one of those things you'd break that out later in the relationship, but it's not like the first, maybe the first time you're, do you jump immediately to the farts? Maybe he's just had a string of bad luck.

He's been in many relationships where things look like they're working out and he waits till later. So now he's putting fart in my face and put poop in my nose on the front end. So he's not wasting his time. Yeah. He has to. You jump into that. You got to weed them out.

Yeah. You got to hit the filter button like right out the gate. Is she willing to do it? Because if she's willing to do this, she's a keeper. You know what I mean? Yeah. What else have you done, Brittany? And first, where'd you find this guy?

Was it like Farts R Us? Farts R Us. I don't know. Farmers only? Like farters only? Farters only if two people if she had the same fetish but she didn't but she didn't know that he was that

guy and he asked for that and he said oh you're into that huh and they're just they're just farting their room just smells like a bathroom just farting and cumming and farting and cumming it's just one after the other and good for you that's how that works out.

But I read that and I couldn't get it out of my head. So, of course, I wanted to drag it into what are you thinking about? Because that's exactly what I'm thinking about. You want to move on to the next segment? I don't know. Yeah. What? Can you fart?

No. And we'll see what happens. No. Because that would jeopardize the show if I farted and you came. It would. Like, I don't know how we'd be like, that would jeopardize the show. If I farted and you came. It would. Like, I don't know how we'd be like, anyway, episode five next week. Like, I don't know where we would go. Is it legal to have an orgasm?

What? Like, on air? Yeah. Yeah, I actually prefer that. Prefer that. If I don't in... Viewership would go way up. If I do not climax, the show cannot do well. It's a waste of time. Yeah. As far as I'm that. If I don't... Viewership would go way up. If I do not climax, the show cannot do well.

It's a waste of time. Yeah. As far as I'm concerned. All right, let's move on and debut that brand new segment that I'll explain a little bit more here in just a second. All right. All right. Load!

Live from the Can You Don't Studios in beautiful downtown Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, everyone's favorite game show, at least one that's on a podcast, What the Fuck Just Happened? It was so fun looking for the music for these segments. So What the Fuck Just Happened is like the segment we have called Dick for dumb, interesting, or cool, okay? But what we do is we don't let each other know what articles we've picked and we turn them into a game show that listeners are allowed to play along with i say allowed like if i was like do

not play along you cannot do this where brian will try to guess and if you try to play along this is for his eyes only brian and that's it you... No. So try to keep score as you move along. And then as we move through the multiple choice questions, we will go back and read the original article so we will find out together... What the fuck happened? What the fuck just happened. Now they see why it's named that. Brilliant.

Are you ready? Yeah. Okay. Here's the location. I'm just going to set you up a little something here. This is Vancouver, Washington. Oh, local. Okay. Here's the location. I'm just going to set you up a little something here. This is Vancouver, Washington. Oh, local. Okay. So not known for a lot of craziness, but just enough. So question number one, the setup. A manager at an Arby's fast food restaurant is in big trouble. He has been accused of multiple things including doing what a rubbing his genitals on nearly all the eating

surfaces after closing b urinating in the milkshake mix oh c purposefully dropping food on the floor before giving it to customers or d placing dead bugs that fell into the deep fryer into the sandwiches. Every one of those seems like I've heard a story of someone doing that. Statistically played. Oh, this is tough because, God, they're all awful. And all things that I would do. You find out these are all personal experience. Yeah, you did every single one of these Me just working at Arby's

Imagine him going around Collecting bugs Sweeping them up with a broom Into the pan And just dumping them into the sandwiches And pushing the bread down A little extra flavor I think I want to go with the rubbing his genitals

because I feel like he's just walking around grabbing the spatula like Beavis. So you're going with A. Yeah. And I can see him pissing in the milkshake too, but... Oh, God. There it is.

I'm going with A. Okay. So moving on to the next question. Believe it or not, the last question was not the initial reason the Arby's manager was being investigated. Originally, the police were executing a search warrant on his phone looking for what? A. Evidence pertaining to a robbery across the street. B. Death threats to a fellow classmate over an ex-girlfriend c child pornography d proof that he was the best citizen of vancouver and maybe the entire state

of washington what okay wait hold on um so a robbery uh got Okay, so the police, okay, now they confiscated his phone for a crime or something that had happened. Something else, and then they found something else. And they saw a video of him doing this thing, probably. Right, right, there you go. Oh, shoot. I'm guessing... Oh, God. You got this, bud. I think evidence of pertaining to a robbery across.

Let's go with death threats to a classmate. Okay. Or to a classmate over an ex-girlfriend thing. Yeah. Maybe some texts or something. Okay. Great. Okay.

So referencing question one, upon further review, police found that how many people were violated by the manager's actions. Okay. So referencing question one, upon further review, police found that how many people were violated by the manager's actions? Okay. This is back to our first list of questions. A, luckily Arby's fucking sucks to only four people. Well, that's not true. That's just not true. B, 30 to 40 customers.

C, 250 to 300 customers. Or D, Doesn't matter. Whoever eats at Arby's deserves whatever happens to them. I feel like you've got it out for Arby's. Do we have to get into this? Who doesn't? I love Arby's. Arby's should close down.

Okay. They have a cool hat. Maybe we'll save this for another time, but I want to know what your thing is against Arby's here. It's just not everywhere else. If you gave me a choice between every other fast food place and you had Arby's on there too, the last place I'd pick would be Arby's. See, for me, it's a toss-up between Arby's and Wendy's.

For the top two? Yes. No wonder you're keeping Arby's in business all by yourself. Well, there's no Arctic Circle anymore, so I got to do that. It starts with an A. Yeah. AR i'm in baby um well it's obviously not a or d i know i'm just trying to help i'm gonna go with i'm gonna go with b b see now it doesn't now my the death threats thing doesn't make any sense yeah well that's how tests work okay well sometimes you fuck yourself i you move forward.

I'm going to go with B. B. Okay. So 30 to 40 customers. Now, I am going to give you one bonus question this week. A celebration of us doing this for the very first time. Okay. The manager said he did what he did because A, he was fed up with his boss.

B, his mom took away his phone. C, for sexual gratification. d he was just bored just bored hated his job uh-huh um i mean the obvious choice to well the obvious choice is that he was fed up with his boss but maybe he was just like yeah fuck today's slow um yeah but having i don't know i feel like i feel like i want to go with a here and then i also feel like i want to go back and change my answer god damn it sorry and maybe we can do that later when we figure out uh more about how this episode or this segment works okay well right now you said it and you're fucking you fucked it oh can i change it to d then he was just bored yeah

okay yeah you didn't you didn't give a final answer on this one? Okay. I guess I could ask, is that your final answer? D, my final answer. Okay. He was just bored. Who wants to be a millionaire? Dude.

Is Regis still alive? Yeah. Cool. I'm Regis Philbin. I'm telling a story. All right. Are you ready to hear the actual one? We'll see how you did.

Let's do it. Okay. I'm going to talk like Regis for the rest of the show. Headline is gonna ruin a lot of your life. Arby's manager accused of urinating and milkshake mix. Okay. Yeah. Go for one. Alright. Well, it was between those two. It doesn't matter. You lost.

Can you imagine going up to like your college professor? Yeah! I know I failed. But show me the questions. Well, I knew it was between these two. I knew it was between these two i knew it was between these two i mean you have to give some sort of credit like i was in the ballpark that's for sure what do you want what kind of credit do you want i want credit that i mentioned that i think it could be that i want you to acknowledge that that i thought it could be

that you did you did okay but i think you also acknowledge that it could have been all the other ones too i did in fairness i said it could have been all four okay so a manager at an arby's fast food restaurant in washington state has been accused of urinating into the milkshake mix that might have been served to dozens of people police in vancouver across from the columbia river from Portland, Oregon, said they uncovered footage of the 29-year-old man peeing into a bag of milkshake mix as they were executing a search warrant on his phone as part of an investigation into child sex abuse images. So the pornography. Okay. One court appearance last Wednesday on child abuse image allegations and another on Friday for a new allegation of second-degree assault with sexual motivation after police said they found the 16-second urination video. Dude, how fucked up is this? According to the probable cause affidavit filed in Clark County Superior Court, the video's metadata showed it was recorded on the 30th of October at an Arby's in Vancouver's Mill Plain neighborhood.

The manager acknowledged to investigators that he had urinated in the milkshake mix bag at least twice. At least twice. But said he was almost sure he threw the bag out. He said he was working alone in the restaurant that night and that he did it for sexual gratification. Sexual gratification. So then here's the final answer here another manager at an arby's told detectives the restaurant sold at least one ice cream float in about 30 to 40 milkshakes that day court records said okay so i had that one you got the 30 to 40

and then you missed every single other one yeah well you got 25 but that's why i was saying i think i want to go back and change it. No, you can't do that. I know. I just want, like I said, I want you to acknowledge that I went, that I went back and I think I was piecing it together, but you wouldn't let me change the answer. You can't. Cause you're a fricking game Nazi. No, I'm just the better teacher.

We can't change our asses what they've been put in. Who wants to be a millionaire? Everybody wants to be a millionaire, but not everybody can be a millionaire. But it did get me thinking about other shit I've seen over the years of fucked up stuff that happens at fast food restaurants. I've seen videos of people shoving cheese in their nose and then going,

and like sneezing it out onto like fucking different food. So fucked up, like onto a salad or onto a burrito. I wish you could stop talking because I got Jack in the Box before I came out here. They probably didn't do this. But I thought, I had the thought when I was, because the lady that came to the window. I hope they don't sneeze cheese on my hamburger. I don't want to be like, be that guy.

But the lady that came to the window gave me the food. I was like, oh fuck. Fuck, you would sneeze cheese on my hamburger. Like she definitely did something in this meal. What weird what does your character say about you if you walk up and someone sees you and you go oh my god she would totally cheese sneeze on my earth she always cheese sneeze yeah cheese sure they'd always sneeze cheese on my hamburger and you're like fuck fuck the god damn it well i knew i shouldn't have come here i remember i think on the arby's we don't do this yeah i think it think it was like junior high or high school.

I remember there was a story, something about somebody jizzing into the mayonnaise or like in chicken sandwiches or something. Yeah. And for the longest time, I would order McChickens and ask for no mayo. No cum? Because that wasn't, yeah, because I had it in my brain. So it would just be, it would be no sauce. It would just be the bun in a chicken patty.

So I'm, I'm sorry for the, the complexity of my order, but I'm going to want to, I'm a chicken sandwich with no come on. Sans jizz. Yeah. Take the,

take the jizz off of it. I'm going to love it. If you could just not put cum in my sandwich, that'd be great. This time. Just this time. I'm not in the mood. Yeah.

I don't need like, I'm already feeling a little queasy. Awful awful you really have to not think about it like you have to just be like and that was my problem when i got today i was like on the run i had to get out here i've i got to drive the fucking traffic to get to this place it's just horrific sometimes when you're in a hurry you have to eat a cum chicken sandwich exactly yeah i mean it's you gotta risk it you know i mean like what's the worst that's gonna happen, honestly? You eat cum? Yeah, I mean,

that's the worst thing, but what's the worst thing? Well, can you get an STD by eating someone else's, like, I've learned that you can't. jizz that has, let's say, like, the clap or something in it?

Clappy cum? Am I gonna get gonorrhea of the throat? A round of applause. You're having an orgasm. It's just like, yay! The clap! It burns, and you're gonna, it burns, but you're kinda happy because you're having an orgasm he's just like yay the clap it burns and you're gonna it burns but you're kind of happy because you're getting a round of applause i i've seen videos

of a dude licking all the taco shells at a taco bell oh come on i remember that one burger king employee that was stomping in the lettuce you remember that video it went like super viral logan you're an internet dweeb i actually don't know that one so there's a video of a guy that has all the lettuce like if you go to a subway and you see the the metal bin of lettuce they have that at these other places too and they're just stomping in it with their feet and then making all the food with it that's disgusting good for them that's pretty cool but i know that there's more fucked up examples oh Oh, yeah. So if you have them. They made a movie about it. They what?

Waiting or something. They made a movie about employees defiling food. I did not ever see that. I knew it was at Ryan Reynolds. Yeah, it's called Waiting. Oh, that's a fictional food movie. Yeah, but it's based off. It's a fictional food movie.

Yeah, but that's what happened. It's based on a true story. Remember Beavis and Butt-head did it. Beavis is scratching his crotch with a spatula food movie. Yeah, but that's what happened. You know, it's what it goes down. It's based on a true story. Remember Beavis and Butt-head did it. Beavis is scratching his crotch with a spatula. Yeah. Well, I mean,

it happened in a cartoon. It's got to be real, baby. No, but I know that if you guys listening have been a part of Leave It Anonymous,

we won't say your name, or you've been or heard about this stuff happening at restaurants, I would love to hear about them so we can share them on the show. Send those in right to hey guys hey can you don't podcast actually i don't know like i eat a lot of fast foods i don't know if it's a good idea maybe maybe it's good that i

maybe it'll change your life around yeah maybe i'll stop eating fast food if you want to help brian quit being a piece of shit yeah send in your stories to hey guys hey can you don't podcast scare me straight scare me straight baby okay now it's my turn i made fun of you i i'm not sure how many questions you have i have three questions i had a bonus question so my if i get one right i will beat you because i guess like you had well i got one right yeah one for four 25 no that's not how that works well actually yeah you would have 66%. I would have 33 if I got one right. Yeah.

Are you worse at math than me? No. This is the best day of my life. Logan! All right. Are you hearing this? I think I might be worse at... I'm taking it all in.

Oh, it's going to be... Oh, I'm a genius! I think you might be... I'm a fucking genius! I think I might be a worse reader than you are. Is that a word? Is that... I can read it.

I can weed her. I can weed gooder than you. Okay, lay it on me. Where are we going? We're going to Chicago. All right. And we're going to the zoo. All right.

Mm-hmm. Okay. So, officials at the Lincoln Park Zoo in Chicago. That's Illinois. Mm-hmm. I'm aware. Mm-hmm. It's in the Midwest.

Mm-hmm. It's right there by Kansas. Yep. Exactly. Like Florida. They border each other, I think. Yeah like florida they border each other i think yeah florida and chicago florida and chicago i'm really good at geography and anthropology and stuff we're a fucking mess okay officials

at lincoln park zoo in chicago are worried that amari a 415 pound gorilla is getting exposed to too much of what? A. Women flashing their sweet titties at him. Okay. B. Too much screen time from cell phones. All right. C. Radiation from a nuclear plant nearby. Or D. People feeding him fattening food. Oh, well, my brain.

Like fast food or something. Yeah, my brain is on fucking cum chicken um so i'm gonna have to shift gears to answer this correctly i would hate for amari to have some cum chicken like that would break my heart you'd be fine if he had radiation poisoning though i'm gonna die yeah you'd be fine with that and i would obviously be okay if he was just seeing too many titties yeah that'd be pretty be pretty great. I wish I had that problem. So if I'm breaking this down, the worry factor of him seeing titties outside him running into the glass and mashing his face up or giving himself a concussion from trying to suck on him, I don't know if that is something they were concerned about. What if it sets a bad precedent? Like he sees a nice pair of human titties and then the next time they need him to mate or something, he's like, nah, dude.

Those weren't as good as Candace's. Right. They're like the saggy gorilla titties. Have you seen Jenny's titties? Now I'm looking at this thing. Yeah. It's a fucking brute. Imagine you're looking at some high quality porn and then all of a sudden they're like here here's something it's not go from like to it and

you know i mean like just this hot one imagine imagine you're watching a fucking triple a blockbuster movie yeah right and then like you're not and then you're not you're watching not that you're watching anything but that um no but i i hear you like watching a well-produced camera angles are great uh things are like like look more sweaty than they're supposed to be they got water bottle people on staff then you watch some amateur shit with people that don't know how to fuck yeah that is That is a buzzkill. Sometimes the amateur stuff's good. Cause you can kind of play like, I could,

I could probably keep up that work. I can keep up. Yeah. And you're like, and it's like, you know that it's not all airbrushed and stuff. It's like, okay,

I like that tan line. She's got them when they have a tan and they have like their, their, their boobs are still white. You know what I mean? The, the tan line titties. Yeah.

But I love the idea of you talking about airbrushing in videos and not a photo. You know what I mean? They're fucking and someone's on the side. Manually airbrushing him live. The guy's like, I'm fucking you. What's that noise? What's that noise? Making sure the curves are right.

Yeah. I can see it happening. Yeah. Well, women flashing their titties. I don't think that's it. Radiation from a nuclear power plant. I mean, maybe. But all humans would be so fucked.

What a place to put a zoo. Just right next to the Simpsons power plant thing. It's in the middle of a neighborhood. It'll give a fuck. They're like, how's Amari? They don't care about the families that are going three arms. Going to school, rolling like a centipede. And they're just worried about, how's Amari doing?

Too much screen time from cell phones. I'm not sure. They're outside of taking pictures. I'm going to go with people feeding them food, throwing shit over the fence. That seems like the most realistic, right? Yeah. But you saying that makes me not feel. But I locked it in.

Okay. So, Regis, tell me I locked it in. Is that your final answer? Yes, it is. D, final answer. Yes, sir. All right, moving on to the next question. Okay.

Okay. A fellow bachelor gorilla in an enclosure rushed him... Okay, no more Regis. Okay. All right, next question. Regis can't read either. I'll switch to the lady from... You are now the Weakest Link.

Goodbye. Alright. A fellow bachelor gorilla in the enclosure rushed to... Shit. Okay. Sorry, let me start again. This is the second question. No, you got it. Okay. You're reading it, right? It just feels like it's not worded correctly. Me, me, me, me, me. I wrote this, but I'm like, it doesn't

feel like it's worded correctly. Okay. A fellow bachelor gorilla in the enclosure rushed at him in a show of aggression, and Amari did what? Okay. Did he... Sucked his titties. Was that in there? Did he, A, kick him in the stomach and finish him with a stone-cold stunner, B, spit in his face and egg him on, kind of like...

Gotcha. I imagine that face and egg him on. Kind of like... Gotcha. I imagine that's what it sounds like. Okay, got it. Egged. Okay, C. Has the attention of a toddler and didn't appear to notice. Or D. Ran away like a little bitch. God damn it um well well i'm got i'm whittling it down here ran away like a little bitch so the question was aggression oh man the the fellow gorilla came okay this might maybe this will be my storyline.

I'm going with that he ran away like a little bitch. Because he was not feeling good from eating fatty fucking food. So he's kind of just lethargic. Run away like a little bitch. Okay. Would not want to fight. All right. Locking it in.

Locking it in. He ran away like a little bitch. The final answer. Okay. Okay. Third and final. Third and final question to wrap this up. What are officials at the zoo concerned about happening?

What are they concerned will happen if this persists? If I'm running... Alright, so I missed number two. Yeah. What are officials concerned about if this keeps persisting? A. Dude. A. Dude.

A. This truly is getting me. Okay. A. The other gorillas will follow his lead and end up like him and become a zombie. All right. B. Get an unrealistic idea of what good titties are and not be interested in the female gorillas.

We covered that. C. Become obese and die of a heart attack way too young. Okay. Or D. Get aggressive and want to beat the shit out of the other gorillas. Oh, man. I'm going to go with A. Because it has to do with running away and not wanting to fight.

The other gorillas will follow his lead and end up like him and become a zombie. Okay. They just want nothing to do with what their entire hierarchy is built around okay which is uh the alpha and beating the shit out of the other ones yeah so he is being a little bitch being a bitch because he doesn't feel good from eating way too much fatty food and not the stuff that a uh gorilla should eat okay you want to see what happened? Yeah. All right. So, US Zoo fears teen gorillas' exposure to phones is behind its antisocial behavior. God damn it. So, they're showing them screen time.

Screen time. It's not even about, wait. But screen time means they're like watching it. It doesn't say like camera flashes. No. They're showing them videos. Let me read the story. Okay.

You interrupted Regis while he's trying to tell the story. All right, go ahead. Shut your mouth. Final answer. Yes. A teenage girl in Chicago Zoo. Phone a friend. Logan.

Logan. Hey, bud. Hey. Wouldn't it be hilarious if the person didn't answer? Like they're on the shitter and their phone's ringing. Sometimes. I don't know. That'd be terrible.

I never saw that happen. The guy's like taking a shit. you get the lifeline and there's not there yeah or like you like 50 50 they're like that we don't know uh but imagine like them they're they're he's calling hello and and they're like their phone just keeps ringing and the the awkward between regis and the guests are kind of looking at each other like what what is he gonna answer we'll call him back. Yeah, yeah. You only get one phone call.

Right. All right. That's a terrible impression, by the way. You're trying. I don't do Regis. I'm really good at impressions. Yeah, you're really good. I think we should do a whole segment on that.

No, we shouldn't. Go ahead. Okay. A teenage gorilla in Chicago Zoo has been getting too much screen time, according to zoo officials. Amari, a 415-pound gorilla at Chicago's Lincoln Park Zoo, has been staring a little too frequently at the screen of cell phones from visitors

who show him pictures and videos through a glass wall. Okay. Including selfies, family photos, pet videos, and even footage of Amari himself. Okay. So they're actually showing him footage of his little bitch ass. Is that your phone? What what the hell you're the worst

my sister my sister's calling you'll get it hopefully it wasn't important my sister never calls so something's probably she's calling you as a lifeline you're her lifeline she's on the show right now brian brian that would be so funny if that was the case. Making fun of him. Okay. Okay. He's apparently become so distracted as a result that last week when another teenage gorilla rushed at him in a show of aggression, Imari didn't appear to notice.

Is that run away like a bitch? No, that was acting like it got the toddler. What? Dude, fuck this test has an attention of a toddler and didn't appear to notice i wrote it in there like he's watching a tablet like a toddler watching a tablet where you're like hey turn it off all right i'm i've fuck i'm gonna call the dean go ahead amari did not seem to notice. It seemed to almost surprise Amari because his attention was very much distracted, said Stephen Ross, the director of the Lester Fisher... The fucking study conservation of apes.

Yeah. In recent months, zoo staff has had to install rope to keep the visitors several feet away from the glass and have to step in and explain why the phone screens were a problem. Like, you need to stop showing this shit. He doesn't care about your family. Amari is becoming a zombie basically is what's happening. You're ruining his life. You're ruining him.

Honestly, what's going to happen is their evolutionary line is going to shift because they're supposed to be doing gorilla stuff and now they're doing what humans are doing. So we're going to merge as a species. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, three other bachelor gorillas live in the same enclosure with Amari.

And zoo officials are worried that they, too, might become addicted to screens. So that wraps up that third question, what they're worried about if it persists. And that, I got that right. Yes, you did get that one correct. Make him become a zombie. Yeah. God damn it. Cool, I beat you.

You will. Just because you threw in a bonus question. Every week I have 400 questions. Yeah, you just want that percentage. And you're like, oh, I got three. Yeah. Oh, 14 and oh man that was fun that was fun i was a little worried that that wasn't gonna work but i think it did i mean we did some trial runs but that felt

that felt pretty good yeah um and how did you guys do at home yeah i love the idea of taking the stories and the the storylines that we painted and then making those like real like a hypothetical right and thinking about a dude uh as far as what you were saying working at arby's who was rubbing his dick on everything um but they were trying to figure out they looked at his phone because he had death threats to a classmate yeah ex-girlfriend and then he was just bored and that's why he And that's why he rubbed his dick on everything and sent death threats. It's kind of like one of those choose-your-own-story adventure things. Yeah, like, okay, let's see, what was he doing?

Okay, he was jerking off in here, and he did it for this. Okay, let's move on to some happy news. Okay. You ready to roll it? Yeah. Okay, Logan, you know what we're doing. Go ahead. So you're telling me there's a chance.

Hooray. We aren't doomed. Yeah! Yeah, so hooray. We're not doomed. Yeah! Yeah! Jim Carrey!

This story is inspirational, and it's very nice, and it's very funny. Well, not funny, but it's just pretty. It's funny that it played out this way because this should have maybe never ever ever ever fucking happened in the first place u.s army replaces cake that it stole from italian girl back in 1945 so the u.s army has given a birthday cake to an italian woman to replace one the american soldier stole from her as it cooled by a window 77 years ago. That actually happened?

They did that in the cartoons. Well, they stole them. Not gave them back. It's like the U.S. Army went back and gave all the birthday cakes back in cartoons. Wouldn't that be weird propaganda? I remember in the cartoons they used to set the pie outside to cool. And I always thought that was a cartoon thing. I guess I didn't realize they actually did do that.

Enough people saw it and they're like, I want that fucking cake. It seems like animals would come along and steal it. I love thinking about just America using that as some weird military propaganda. We're like, look, we put cakes back in to people that other people took them. And it's just like a weird fucking demonstration. It'd be a weird thing. Like, we murdered thousands of people. But we gave the cakes back. Look, we gave thousands of people. But we gave the cake back.

Look, we gave the cakes back. Do we get some points for that? So, Mary Mion, who turns 90 on Friday, was 13 when her village of San Pietro, near Viencia, saw fighting between U.S. troops and German soldiers. Her mother made her a birthday cake, but it was taken by an opportunistic and presumably hungry Americans. Ms. Mion said she would share the replacement cake with her relatives. We will eat that dessert with all of my family,

remembering this wonderful day that I will never forget, she said. So yeah, there was troops outside. They were, I mean, I'm guessing, just in war-torn area, looking for food and a fucking cake showed up. And they're like, I'm taking that cake war-torn area looking for food and a fucking cake showed up. And they're like, I'm taking that cake. Taking the cake.

I get it. I could see myself doing it. But I love the fact that they went back and made it right as they found out what happened to this little girl and made sure that she got a birthday cake. What I want to know is if they. It's never too late to make amends is what I'm kind of going with with this story. I think that's really cool. I just, I want to take it too. I wonder, it would be hilarious if they didn't actually take it to eat it they just stole it from her and then they returned the original cake it's a rock years later it's the

same cake and they're like chiseling it away it's a fossil at that point yeah uh or if they took it all they did was like pie one of the enemies they didn't even eat it. They're just like, okay, we're going to get close enough. Someone is a prisoner. We're going to get close enough. We're going to pie this motherfucker. We're going to waterboard this guy and we're going to pie this guy. One guy gets the better of those two deals. Yeah.

Or if they rescued a guy from a prison and they're like, hey, welcome back. Pie in the face. Right. Or they have the waterboard guy. Then you have the cake guy. You smash the cake in his face. And if he's hungry, you switch him over to the water oh sorry he's thirsty that's how they clean him off right by a waterboard right get the cake off there yeah like because it's sticky

sticky situation this conversation so i thought that was great just uh yeah so a lesson for all of us in our lives if there's some shit that's happened in the past, go say sorry. Oh, I was going to say, if you see a cake, take it. Have your cake and eat it too. And give it back later. Mm-hmm.

I promise I'll bring this back. Just come back and vomit in a bowl. What I've learned from this, take the cake, and then give it back in 80 years. Right. Have somebody else fucking deal with it in 80 years. your ancestors,

your grandchildren will return the cake. Your grandchildren will return the cake. Could you imagine that? You leave a note. Your grandkids are like, they know they have to do that. We've got to do this before this lady dies. Like the journal and everything. It's like, got to give cake back to Gladys.

Well, yeah. We would probably just write an email or send a text now. With a cake gif? Yeah. Return cake emoji to Gladys. Happy birthday. It with a cake gif yeah return cake emoji to glass birthday yeah it's a cake emoji yep with the little the confetti things flying around yep um okay let's uh look at some funny shit that you found on the internet okay yeah all right here tell logan to play logan roll the fucking thing the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience

something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome what you got for us step daddy well what's what's kind of funny is i wasn't it wasn't anticipating this but we were talking about uh fast food earlier and now it actually plays into what i found in the internet okay and i just found a couple of cool things i'm sure some people have seen these um i've seen versions of them but i just like this one picture made me laugh so right now it's just it's uh on amazon it's like a french fry holder so under 12 bucks it's under 12 bucks 11.95 it's a bargain so like the reviews are

fucking stellar oh yeah i mean it's a fantastic product 931 french fry enthusiasts they all found it helpful found this great bestseller yeah all right it's a yeah amazon what do they call it amazon bestseller or recommended or whatever right. It's a yeah Amazon where they call it Amazon bestseller or recommended or whatever, right? So the whole idea of like, you know You're driving in a car in in this is me Like I was trying to hurry out to Coeur d'Alene so we could record this thing and I was eating my burgers and dropping shit All over the place. Mm-hmm And if I only had this french fry holder to put in my my drink holder, you'd not spill everything. Mm-hmm

But I thought this was hilarious i was like oh that's just a cool product and i was looking through the pictures and then i get to the this alternate picture and it's multi-purpose it allows you to actually clip it on your pocket of your pants so it's not just like driving your car it's like a gun holster but for french fries which is goddamn beautiful it is i imagine like the sony situations where you're just like hands hands free french fries you're right you're i like to talk with my hands right reach down grab a french fry i picture you're in uh like a pretty intense important conversation but you're so hungry yeah so they're telling you about i don't know some serious family

shit someone's really sick and the whole time like you're just sneaking your little handbag slowly just reaching around turning your head like slowly just a little bit and you're like that is so sad oh man i feel horrible for that sorry for your loss but you need ketchup so you gotta do that well you're like well well thankfully Sorry for your loss. Shove it in your mouth? But you need ketchup, so you gotta do that. Well, thankfully, I have that. The other product, it's a little sauce holder. It can stick right in your vent.

Oh my God, you know what? Logan. Yes, sir. Homie bought me this for, was it Christmas? Yeah, it was Christmas. Oh, you have one of these. Two years ago. I've got one of these at the office, and it's actually hooked onto an action figure's arm at this moment. Do you use it?

I've used it one time. Okay. I don't eat a lot of food in the office. I usually go out to eat. But Logan knows how much I fucking love ketchup. So, because he's a smart, nice person. Yeah, aren't you a steak and ketchup guy are you that guy

what are you doing right now I'll do steak and ketchup but I will also do a nice filet mignon Logan that was you I think I am too why are you doing this now though babe you're gonna do this now

as the end of the show listen I'll do it fuck you You're gonna do this now? Right now? As the end of the show You're gonna do this now? Listen, I'll do it Fuck you Like if you are so upset About how I want to eat my meat That it ruins your day Because I like how ketchup

It's not an insult to your steak Bruh Like I just want ketchup I didn't slave over this barbecue So you can throw ketchup I don't fucking care On the goddamn steak Then go and invite me to your barbecue

I didn't You just wandered in Fucking dictator You climbed the fence And came over so you can throw ketchup on the goddamn steak! Then go and invite me to your barbecue, you fucking dictator! You climbed the fence and came over. What am I going to do, nod off for you steak? Dip in your meat and ketchup? Just coming over like, blah. Jump over in safari gear? Wow. What you got there, Bob?

I'll have to have a go with that meat. No, the shrimp on the body. Take it, start dipping it on your meat and ketchup? Yeah. No, but if you're someone who lectures other people for sticking sauces on their fucking meat, just grow up. Is this a lecture? You started it.

A TED talk? You brought us here. I want to see a TED talk about the guy talking about that. About ketchup stuff? Yeah. Okay, fine. About how awful it is. And he'll get a standing ovation.

Why would you go to somewhere like an expensive steak and then just put ketchup on it? Go to a- $65 sir and then just put ketchup on it? $65 sirloin. Can I have ketchup? Who cares? I do. Mind your business. God damn it.

It's not because I'm masking your steak. No, I can't even enjoy my food because you're destroying your meal. God damn. You need a little more mental fortitude. You need some ketchup. Oh, God damn it. Fuck yeah, Logan. Rays. Y'all can fuck off.

What? Well, just because frigging Logan's from Indiana, he doesn't know what fry sauce is. Well, we learned that. Are you picking ketchup over fry sauce? When? On steak? Anytime. No.

Fry sauce on sirloin. We just mix them together. Yeah. I put ketchup in my fry sauce. Well, that's how you make fry sauces with ketchup. So you don't need to mix them together. Sometimes the fry sauce is too fry saucy. Well, that's how you make fry sauces, with ketchup. So you don't need to mix them together. Sometimes the fry sauce is too fry saucy. Yeah, you gotta dilute it a little bit.

Dilute it with some ketchup in there. Yeah, gotta dial it back. You just gotta dial back your shitty fucking steak you cooked for your family. No, I don't cook. That's the whole point. I go out to eat. I hate cooking. What is happening?

This is what we've been talking about the entire time. I don't make food. I have other people make it for me. And then what? I eat it. And I don't complain about it. Okay. And I don't put ketchup on it.

I'm not complaining about it. We went for sushi the other day, and you ordered this big elaborate sushi roll, and you wasted by putting soy sauce on it. Oh my God. Like a psychopath. Okay, now you're outing yourself like a dipshit. What's the point of, why don't you just order a California roll if you're not going to go for all the flavor?

You are setting yourself up for an onslaught of bullshit. Bring it on. Every sushi place I go to has a dish for soy sauce. I'm going to be like I'm not going to use it. Yeah, I'm going to be like fucking Matrix guy with all the guys that look like him,

jump on him, fighting him off. Mr. Anderson. Yeah, I'll be Mr. Anderson. You're going to be all the... Soy sauce? Yeah, all of you fucking idiots out there. Jesus Christ. Soy sauce and ketchup ride or die.

God damn. You're losing. Ketchup on a steak and soy sauce on french fries. How about that? Soy sauce on popcorn. You made some popcorn the other night. It was delicious, by the way. That was so good.

I'm still thinking about it. That's the weirdest. It's like, anyway, fuck you. You make good popcorn. Three o'clock in the morning, we had popcorn. We didn't even kiss. No, we didn't. Okay, we got to move on because I want to read this email.

Our first hey guys that we're doing on this show, and it is a fucking doozy. Are you ready? Yes. Okay, Logan, please. We got to move on because I want to read this email. Our first, hey guys that we're doing on this show and it is a fucking doozy. Are you ready? Yes. Okay. Logan, please. Thank you. All right. Let's hear what you guys think.

Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. Wow. You start being super nice to Logan because he's a ketchup and soy sauce guy. Ketchup and soy sauce guy ketchup and soy sauce guy ride or die baby oh man you guys you guys could make love to each other and catch up and

fucking tasty i bet there's some people who like that going back to the kinky thing yeah and i would give it a go just rubbing soy sauce and ketchup all over how much i love it just to can you might put soy sauce in your dick and then putting it somewhere? Like in a sandwich? Like in your own mouth? Oh, in a sandwich? Okay, if you could reach your... Would you do that? If you could bend back and...

I don't know. Blow yourself? Probably. So, hey, guys. Our one and only message for today's show is coming in from stupid fucking idiot Mike. It's a perfect follow-up to episode one where Brian shares his Arctic Circle pants-shitting saga. So anyway, Mike writes, So my story takes place about five years ago.

And buckle up, this is fucking great. Buckle up, Sadler. My wife and I had always wanted to go to a Renaissance festival, and this year we finally decided to make the three to four hour drive to go check out one that's going on in our state my wife had just given birth to our son and we were unsure about taking him but couldn't find a babysitter so we dressed up loaded in the car and made the drive we got there and it was an absolute downpour we were bummed because uh we were bummed but we decided to stick it out because we had driven so far.

Check it out. Gotta go with it. Yep. After the rain subsided, we walked through the woods to a little village they had set up and started checking out the different shops and stage acts. After walking for a while, we realized that my son had pooped, and it was bad. As they do. Mm-hmm. A complete blowout diaper going all the way up his back.

Yep. We started looking for an out of the way place to change him but quickly realized that the only bathroom facilities they had were those disgusting porta potties i know that game man so a stinky dirty porta potty so gross dude i got a concert festival like a festival or something it's and yeah when one really turns when one is spoiled and it's nothing good about it everything's wet light it on fire just push it over yeah push it out and then slide through the porta-potties in because some of them they just i don't know what happens in there i'm not sure if someone's taking a bath could you like it's so good being a guy in those situations like if you

had to sit down well they do the go pee Yeah, but still, your clothes are touching. For us, it's just smell. You're just breathing in 40 hours of shit. I guess that's not that bad. So the porta-potties suck. I suggested that we lay him down on the ground, but remember that it had just been a downpour, so the entire ground was basically just a giant mud pit. We kept walking, and finally we got to an area with less people and i saw tucked away off to the

side was an unused table i didn't really want to change him on a random table but realized at this point it was basically our only option as parents you just do whatever the fuck you can i mean kids covered in shit yep uh change it we've all been in weird places like that if you have kids if not yes and then you have to have really drunk friends and maybe you're kind of been in the same no no what i've never had to shit on a table or like i never had to have my my diaper changed on a table before if that's what you're wondering is that what you're wondering we changed them on the table wiped it off the best we could and continued on our way about 20 minutes later we had looped back around i read that it's pooped back around so we looped back around and we saw two men carrying the table

oh no i looked at my wife and asked is that the same table we just changed him on she nodded back to me so we decided to see what they were doing with it they carried the table through a big crowd of people and then sat it on the stage oh Oh, no. We exchanged nervous glances at this point, wondering what the table was going to be used for. They asked for four volunteers from the crowd, and lots of eager hands shot up. The volunteers were brought to the stage, and their hands were tied behind their backs.

Four pies were brought out and placed in front of them on the table. Oh, my God. The announcer on the stage yelled, let the pie eating contest commence. My wife and I stared in horror as four volunteers dove face first

into their pies, even licking up scraps that had fallen down onto the table. Needless to say, we got out of there and still chuckle about it to this day

whenever it's brought up. And I said, well, that's my story. Sorry for the length. That's what she said. Feel free, or that's what he said feel free or that's what he said feel free to cut out any parts you find necessary or i did not cut anything out i

hope you can make it use for the new show keep on keeping on guys and if you use this on the podcast just refer to me as mike please oh dude they're just lapping it up like there's um i don't care how how clean you think you or how good of a, a sanitary job you've done cleaning a blowout fucking diaper. There's still going to be shit particles. Unless you bleached the table. Like scrubbed and bleached it. Mm-hmm. Yeah, had like a spray tan.

It had like the. A spray tan? Changing your spray. You should give your kid a spray tan. There's no way that table is sanitary unless you have spray tan it's just like we're gonna go change a diaper and spray like how are we gonna clean this mess up i have an idea but first we'll spray tan but first he's like logs in and makes an appointment at the local check-in at the renaissance spray tan facility it's just

it's all natural. It's like just ground corn and potatoes. Yep. Just how they used to do it back in the day. Fucking potato spray tan. I say, old boy, that's a good spray tan. God, it smells like potatoes. Manure.

No, but I don't know how. I was going to say, like, unless you sprayed the table um but there's no way there's shit on that table and you just had to sit back i mean why were they licking it up because it falls out of the pan i get into a no no i are you gonna say have i ever been to a renaissance fair pie eating contest no i've never i just like how you just yelled at me why did they do that joe i know you asked me the setup you said why would they do that i started explaining you like i know idiot don't tell me my business it's the pie i fucking know okay jesus it was rhetorical i'm sorry i know why but i was like why the fuck still

because they're trying to win a pint contest brian i mean god but i love that little inside joke for you and your wife because i have some of those with aaron we're just like things will happen when you're out and about and you're like this reminds you of a moment you're like we will remember that forever anytime you change travel with kids or you do something well when we were just in new york we didn't take our kids so we were doing everything was really easy our traveling kids am i fucking right oof i wish what you want more kids no oh no i wish we were making practicing yeah practicing the kids and then not you know then the other yeah not actually doing it. Gotcha. Anyway.

Jizzing on her back. Okay. Too much. Everything up until that point, and it's like, nope, no kids. Ah! Oh, fuck, no kids! Kids, kids, kids, kids, kids, no kids!

The idea of starting over with kids, oh. But anyway, like, when you've traveled with kids, with little kids especially, and then you go do something where you don't have kids, and you realize how fucking easy everything is, and then you see other through it and you're like god that's and you look at each other like yeah is that what we look like i know and i've talked about this before uh before kids pre-kids on an airplane with a crying kid you're like oh my god fuck these parents you're like now those poor parents and then after you have kids you're like oh my god i feel bad for those parents. Fuck that kid. Yeah. Right?

Yeah. It just swaps. You relate on a different level. Or you get like if you were the guy going, shut your fucking kid up. And then when you're on the plane, you hear somebody go, shut the fucking kid up. And then you're like mad at the guy. Ready to punch him. Yeah.

Right. You feel bad for the parents. Say something. Do something. Say something else. I'll open up this door and throw you out the wing. Episode four. We're all done. We're done? Yeah, we're wrapping open up this door and throw you out the wing. Episode four. We're all done.

We're done? Yeah, we're wrapping it up. It's too much. We gotta get the fuck out of here. We gotta get out of here. This place sucks. Logan. It smells like...

Logan! Yeah. Good job. Thank you. Thanks for doing our merch. Acknowledge me! Happy to. Producing, directing, doing all the good stuff for Can You Don't Podcast.

Making sure we're in focus. Right. sure we're in focus right hopefully we're in focus we're not the merch you can find it at can you don't podcast.com we'll be adding some new stuff soon i believe we'll get some ringtones on there and shit like that the people have and in the intro people find they like it it's a banger yeah it's a banger out the gate you wrote that right no be sure to follow us on instagram and facebook you search for can You Don't Podcast and that's the same on YouTube. Thanks to everybody who has followed us on our socials. I mean, of course, and on YouTube.

It's growing so fast. It's growing fast. By the time that we recorded this, the episode came out. It's already charting on iTunes. iTunes. On iTunes, on Apple. That's fucking awesome, man. Thank you so much for supporting what we do. If you want to send in content, petty beef, anything

else, heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Then be sure to rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts because that helps us out so much. That's what allows us to chart on the different platforms. We had so many five-star ratings before we even launched

episode one.'s that's you idiots have been all over it's been great love baby love you all right let's wrap it up logan play the thing thanks good god wrap it up already huh this is a dad joke okay sent in by Dummy Will You ready? I just learned That monsters don't like to eat ghosts Yeah I guess they taste like sheet Oh my god You get it? Oh I got it

It's like a sheet Like when you dress up and it goes No that's not You're thinking of a rally No What? It's like a sheet, like when you dress up and it goes for a sheet. It tastes like sheet. No, that's not. You're thinking of a rally. No. What? A rally.

Is that a word? Like a sheet with. What? Don't make me say it. Say it. Like a KKK rally. Oh, Jesus Christ. I didn't want to say it. I thought you were saying like an O'Reilly.

Like an O'Reilly. Like an O'Reilly. O'Reilly's. O'Reilly's. Auto parts. I was like, what the fuck does a tire company have to do with this goddamn joke? Oh, geez. All right. Let's say goodbye.

All right. Episode four. Deuces. Bye-bye. Bye. Outro Music