Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Juice Cleanse. Tampon. Fork. Unicycle.

Episode Date: January 18, 2023

Can you ride a unicycle? If yes, would you consider riding it over 1,800 miles along the entire eastern seaboard?! Let's talk about that, fishing for things inside your vagina, tying tiny backpacks full of meth to pigeons attempting to smuggle drugs into prison, one of the weirdest cashier experiences of all time, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/18Os59PkJ3USend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Juice cleanse, tampon, fork, unicycle. Three, one. 31. Oh, yeah. Sorry. three one 31 oh yeah sorry i didn't want to i know that was complex to squish the numbers together i'm not sure if you were going to count down three two one let's go and then 31 i'm just sitting waiting like you just kept two that's what i was thinking what'd you do how'd you do this to us episode 31 of can you don't you're Paul Brand. What would you do if I just talked like this the whole time? Call you Trev. Do you ever hear people just talking in their throat and you want to murder them? I'll punch them in the throat.

When it's not like, because some people talk like this and then they kind of go like that. But the people that just, I was at a story and the guy was talking to me. He was like, give me advice. He's like, yeah, so you like want to go down to the... And I was like, clear your throat, dude. Push the frog out. There's a frog in there. Anyway.

He's a magician. He just like throws up a frog. Gotcha. Yeah. You're on the Carbonero Effect. Alakazam. Alakazam. Ribbit.

Ribbit. Yeah, I'm Brian. You're Joe. Yeah. And we're having a good time. That's right. Having a good time. Is this episode 31?

Episode 31. I'm wearing a ski jacket, which I find very funny, considering I wish I was naked in the summer, and now I'm wearing a ski jacket in my basement. Well, it's cold in here. In the winter, I know. Sign up for Patreon if you haven't. Lots of additional content in there, of course, on the back end of every episode that we record. We do more stuff, and you can hear all of that if you're a part of the gaggle

learning spanish yeah you are we'll talk about that in a second oh see yeah yep it's just like the most unspanish. Yep. Yes, sir. You betcha. Si, senor. Sign up at patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. We are doing a hybrid show today. Doing a little dick. You're used to that. Yep.

And then some confessions tossed in. It's like Mighty Mouse. Yes. Let us know what you think about this little hybrid approach. But, man, we got some good ones. There's probably the craziest confession that we've received so far. It's like Mighty Mouse. Yes. Let us know what you think about this little hybrid approach. But, man, we got some good ones. There's probably the craziest confession that we've received so far. It's insane in all the best ways. And I've been hiding it from you.

Oh, you've been holding out? Mm-hmm. Did you put it in a secret folder? Yes. As soon as it came in, I was like, nope. And I did not want you to see it. I'm excited. I happened to be in the emails, which is, hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com, when it came in.

So I took it and hid it immediately. You were just sitting and staring at your screen, waiting for an email, and it popped in. You're like, oh, God. This is too good. Hide it from Brian. With a Y. We did get another rotten sled definition coming in. Oh, yeah.

I don't think you've read this one either. Ready? Yeah. Because it's great. Our daughter Cher. I'm going with Cher, right? Char Char

It's got to be like Charlotte But she goes by Char Okay Hey guys I can't stop thinking about The rotten sled definition So I thought I would give you mine Thought I'd give you mine!

Exclamation point One time When I was much younger A younger gosling Or goosling In my 20s I had a mishap Or a mishap

With a tampon Oh boy It was a light flow tampon. Oh, boy. It was a light flow tampon, so it was one of the small ones. I had put it in, and apparently I was over my cycle, so I'd completely forgotten about it. This is, ready? About a week later, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and a terrible rotten smell was emanating from my vag. It literally smells like someone crawled up there and died.

I was super embarrassed, but I knew I had to get to the bottom of it. Later that night in the shower, I decided to fish around in there to see if I could find anything, and lo and behold, I found a string. And when I pulled it out, voila! Rotten sled! Oh my god. Oh my god. I gagged so hard on the putrid cotton.

Oh, dude, I'm gonna vomit. Don't worry about it. It literally looked like a piece of rotting flesh from the bottom. It still had a little bit of white, like a sled covered in snow. Ha ha ha ha. She just types out, ha ha ha ha ha. Nasty, I know, but fuck it. You get it.

Hope this made you laugh, you're ugly duckling. Char. I mean, you're reading that, and I actually kind of had like a little bit of a gag. My throat was kind of like, you know, like. Frog in there? Yeah. Yeah, about ribbed it up. Tampon?

Whatever. What did I have for lunch? Salad. I had a salad. Yeah, me too. My Southwestern. How about you? It was Nashville Hot.

I don't even know. That sounds like a guitar or a porn club. Well, first of all, it's a chicken sandwich usually. That's what I get, Nashville Hot Chicken Sandwich. From where? Wherever. Nashville. I've never heard of this delicacy.

What? I've never had a Nashville Hot Sandwich. You're missing out. I bet I am. It does sound like something that could be on Urban Dictionary, speaking of Rotten Sled. You could get a Rotten Sled at Nashville Hot. Yeah, there you go. That would be a place you could go.

That's so funny because, I mean, it'd be weird just having the idea that you have something that things could just get stuck in there is weird. And so when she says she's fishing around, like the way that I think I'd be so paranoid. I'd be like, what's going on? But just how she's just like, what do we got here? What do we got here today? It's like when I'm reaching in my pocket and there's like a wrapper and like 10 cents. Yeah. That's what she's doing.

She's like rummaging around in her vagina. She's like trying to get the bottom of her, like, where's my chapstick? What do we got here today? What do we got in her purse? Yeah, like remember back in the days at the baseball card shop, you had the grab bag box? Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's what she's doing when she pulled out a fleshy tampon. Oh, God.

What? I can smell it. Well, glad she got to the bottom of it. We don't have to talk about it. And I will say, dudes, it's not like a dick and balls is just this instrument that will like this will never smell but have you ever come across a very stinky vagina in your journeys no and i mean women just replace fucking dick and balls yeah they don't smell great all the time maybe if the guy's wiener and balls were just in a stinky vag that's the only way outside of that perfectly clean no smell could you imagine

if you were a woman i'm sure this has happened has happened, but you're having sex with a guy, and then he pulls out, and he wants to go ass to mouth, and you're like, oh. Go ass to mouth? Or sorry, not ass. I mean. Well, whatever. Same hole. Yeah.

Same hole. Same hole. Same deal. Same deal. But like, so you're like, and then, so you're getting ready to blow, and you're like, oh my God. You're like, is that what it smells like? No wonder he doesn't want to go down on me.

No wonder he said, no, thanks. She's like, how about tomorrow? Anyway. After you bathe in bleach. After you get rid of this. Yeah. Coming across some stinky privates, man. Stinky private?

Private! I just picture like a major. His last name's Stinky? What's your major malfunction? A tampon? His name's fucking Jimmy Stinky. Private Stinky! Yes, sir.

Sir, no, sir! Anyway. That's fun. I'm sure that's happened. Yeah, you come across one of those, man. It just ruins the mood. It's just so... Yeah. It's hard to move move on because you imagine throwing up during i've gagged you're trying to i've gagged okay i think i i don't this doesn't happen honestly

this doesn't happen much but i think we need to move on oh like it's the idea is it's actually kind of make it's making me kind of ill good well i'm glad that i was able to get you there today yeah can you smell it it's not even now it's not even funny it's just like i feel like sad It's actually kind of making me kind of ill. Good. Well, I'm glad that I was able to get you there today. Yeah. Can you smell it? Now it's not even funny. It's just like I feel like I'm going to throw up. All right, cool.

Let's just start the show. Okay. All right. Hey, shut up. Start the show already. I was just about ready to explain to something Joe that. Oh, what? Wait.

I was just about to explain something to Joe that kind of makes me gag also. And then he's like, wait, wait. Can we talk about this on the show it's like don't waste it speaking of don't waste it yeah um what i was gonna say was when you're watching porn or something the guy like blows the load in the chick's mouth yeah and then it's like the cum swap where she like and puts it in another girl's mouth oh like that just like the idea of that makes, I don't know. It's one thing like when. It's one thing when it's my cum. When a chick blows you and like spits it in the sink or swallow it or whatever. You like get it over.

Spits it in the sink. Or something. What porn are you watching? No. I mean, that's not. Just always conveniently by a sink at all times. Well, that's because the plumber's there. He's sneaking the toilet

in the garbage disposal and she runs properly but of course she uses water when she runs it she's not a fucking monster she's not trying to ruin the blades if anything it's he's got it's thick yeah it's like you don't want to you don't want to bind the do what do you do they use bearings yeah bearings and blades yeah swingy swings, so you don't want to get the bearings all caught up. So you're fine with it being anywhere else but someone else's mouth? Yeah. Okay. Well, I mean, if seeing it, it's just, yeah.

So the picture that I'm painting here is like when the dude like blows his load. Or like, you know, he pulls out and she's like, and then another chick comes over and like comes out and puts her tongue out and the other chick just swaps it. Can I get a hint of that? Puff, puff, pass. Puff, puff, pass, you greedy bitch. I don't know, just that.

The whole idea of jizz in someone's mouth anyway grosses me out, but then this openly swapping that into somebody else's mouth, it makes me... Not a fan. If I'm watching a porn and that happens, I'm like, nope.

Next. Boo. Downvote. You're one of the downvoters? Boo. It says in the title. It says cum swap. I thought they were kidding. I thought they were going to cut it out. See, usually what happens is they don't do that and then it catches you off guard.

Anyway. Okay. Let's get into our question. Are you ready? Yeah. Would you rather have a stranger watch you have sex just once? That's it. Or have a stranger watch you eat a full holiday meal by yourself?

Like Thanksgiving or something it's just staring at you in the corner oh i'm just not rocking it over here i don't know why that's so funny to have the word holiday in there like it's just um extra sad and lonely and some dudes it's like you got it you're sitting at your table by yourself and some dude just like yeah come it You're sitting at your table By yourself And some dude's just like Yep Come on

You're still a little bit of Yeah A little bit of turkey Just mix it in with the mashed potatoes I got places to be Go Come on He can't leave until you're done eating

He's like finish your plate Finish your plate It's kind of what we do to our kids A little bit yeah It's exactly When I think about it It's exactly what it is Eat the broccoli

We're not getting up to eat the goddamn broccoli Dude every morning My kids sit They're eating breakfast and i sit on the couch and i go take a bite and then they're then i'll look over and i'm like take a bite he's like i did i'm like no he didn't he was like starts chewing he was holding it in the side of his mouth oh anyway anyway uh yeah that's that's really awkward um Well, so would the sex, though. Yeah, I don't, I mean, I wouldn't mind the sex. What? I wouldn't mind someone watching me have sex. You'd rather they do that than watch you eat?

A holiday meal? I don't know. Can we just talk this out? Okay. Okay. Sorry. Don't take me fucking against the wall. Wait, that sounded weird.

I'm painting you with a very specific brush. I hear you. Let's talk it out. Let's feel this out. All right, all right. But thinking about the sex thing does not weird me out at all. I don't have like a voyeur kink, really. So it doesn't turn you off?

Is that what you're saying? Yeah, it doesn't really. If I knew them, probably more of a turn off. Like if it was like my brother your mom my mom yeah are you actually i'll be fine with you well god's watching you all the time yeah well that doesn't stop me from a lot of shit just santa and god's sitting like they're bros yeah they're sitting on a couch the only two all seeing eyes they're like they're eating snacks and just watching you plow. Just fuck trail mix.

Trails mix. What am I doing? Happy trails. Happy trails, apostrophe S. Trails mix. Okay. Yeah, and then a stranger watching you eat a full holiday meal by yourself. It really does depend on the stranger, too.

It really does. What if it was somebody that was like a homeless guy? He's really hungry. And let me just clarify. It says, would you rather have a stranger watch you have sex so again like so it's someone i don't know and i i did not pay attention to that the first time around um it depends on who the stranger is if for me if it's like if it's a really sexy sexy person it's just like yeah and she's like judging you like oh that's what he does but if it's like a homeless guy who's just happy to be in the house and warm.

He's like for once doesn't have to be in a box. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, dude, whatever. Do whatever you want. He's rubbing one out. Please, for the love of God, take your time. Yeah.

Because. The longer you take. He's endlessly trying to ruin it. Yeah. Just so he could be in the warm house longer. He'd be like, oh, dude. Like I just was. That's it? My fingers were just getting my fingers were just getting more right my fingers you son of a bitch i have to leave already do it again uh but i was thinking about other weird things that having a stranger watch you do

just in like typical like obviously privacy things are weird like masturbating would you rather let's just take a little side quest here um when it comes down to the first part of this question would you rather a stranger watch you have sex just once or would you rather have stranger just watch you jerk off sex because jerking off is such an intimate if i'm doing this you're doing it too yeah there's just something like masturbation is it's one of those things that's just it's it's your most all the other than like taking a shit it's like your most vulnerable state right yeah because at least with sex like you're it's an interaction with another person you're kind of doing what you're supposed to do

yeah that's me you're just sitting there but imagine like cheating the system that's what you're doing with masturbation yeah but like you you know you're you're just doing things you don't it's things that you don't let other people see. And then anytime you do something that you try to hide from people, it's such a personal thing. Personal endeavor. Yeah.

Like a holiday meal isn't like that because you're kind of rooting them up. Like imagine the guy rooting you on while you're masturbating. It's like, you can do it. You got it, dude. One more serving, right? Yeah. You don't know what, you don't know what stranger you're going to stranger you're gonna get that's scary okay so back to what i was saying so a stranger watching you do like privacy things yes but what about like i don't know like changing your oil like just things uh and as a man you're like i should know

how to do this can he say anything or is he just watching kind of like judging you it's basically like a dad is who like you're trying to show him that you have made it far enough to change your own oil and your dad's like look at you you fucking idiot still as dumb as always huh bry well i can give you i can give you an example yeah sort of of that so i we went up snowboarding last weekend and that's it was my first time i like that and there's people telling me like advice this this and this but then when you when someone is like standing there with you and you kind of know them and they're like do this this and this and then when you get up to go do it i mean you can't help but feel like they're breathing down your neck they're in your ear yeah

and they're watching everything you do because they want to give you advice. Toe side. If I'm fine, if I just go by myself, like, I do much better than if, because that's what, it's that feeling

of someone just watching you. It's like someone critiquing your golf swing. Yeah. Keep your weight balanced a little farther back. Keep your hands in close. Imagine having sex now

and the guy's like in the corner going, a sex coach? Now give it, now give her the swirl give her more dick i can't she needs more can't you see she needs more can't you see she needs more dick i know that i know do you need help i don't know why she's still here and he's got his giant dick out yeah he's like do you need help and he's mad it's this fucking dick up to his shin. Would you like my assistance? No!

Please, leave. I got some extra dick over here if you need it. I could borrow a couple inches. Here you go. Just slice off. Just slice off. A little saw blade, a little jigsaw. Here you go.

Put this in the middle. What? No, add it to the tip. Add it to the tip? Okay, fine. It's an extender. It's a dick extender. You know what it is? It's the stacked mushrooms in Mario. They get all stacked up. put add it to the tip add to the tip okay fine yeah it's an extender it's a dick extender you know what it is it's the stacked mushrooms in mario uh yeah they get all stacked up uh-huh

that's what you're doing there um yeah we're getting off track here we are but yes i mean but i but i hear you i feel you i get what you're saying um what about this joe yeah um like what if like just imagine just reading a book so you're sitting on the couch or whatever and, and you are laying in bed and you're reading a book and you look over and the person's just staring at you. Cause there's no, nobody's talking. So dead silent, but these eyes just hearing through you. And you know that you, your brain's going wild. He's like, God, he knows I can't read.

Yeah. Yeah. that's what do you who am i kidding well the thing is is like you want to get caught up in the story because for reading for me was it's never been fun because i'm always thinking of something else so i could never get engorged in a story so if you're just half-assed in a story because you feel like someone's watching you that would just suck because you can't get in the story and you want the person to leave if you add in any sort of disappointing sigh to either one of these situations i don't care what stranger it is yeah we're always like

shut up like anything like you're eating food and the guy's like you're like what what am i doing is this this What is that? It's the gladiator Are you not entertained? Are you not entertained? And folding laundry You're like And you look over And someone goes

Man That's what my wife does Learning nothing She's like Good for nothing I'll be folding laundry I'm trying to help out Around the house

And she's like She's making noise Like Oh do you want to do this no no no you got it okay i'll fix it later yeah yeah i'll fix it or we could just uh swap jobs yeah we could just i'll just play video games and you do this yeah you could watch me play video games yeah while you do this the correct way yeah i'll carry it down stare at me while i'm playing video games while you're folding laundry kids are pretty good at making that shit weird like just staring at you

oh yeah when you're just like why are you looking at me what are you can you especially when you're pooping hi are you busy kinda yeah can you put batteries in my truck yeah i guess can you wait three fucking minutes can i get this giant turd out of my ass that i've been trying to get out all week help me with the batteries as soon as possible, bud Please get the fuck out of the bathroom And they're just getting pissed because you're not doing it right now What about figuring out a math problem? Worse, yeah, it gets worse

Like a really having to think Or a science-y thing You're doing some critical thinking and someone just stares at you Because you're doing the whole thing where you're like staring off Like, ah, trying to figure it out Carry the one And you look over these eyes are just staring at you waiting for you to have all the answers uh like your kids

again yeah exactly bringing it back and you brought up before the show uh about just how weird drawing a picture of somebody is yeah which is i had never thought about the being the subject of a picture i mean i guess i've thought about, but not to the extent of what's going through your head. Well, there's a couple different things. Am I still enough? Because, yeah. Do I look good? Because now you're like, you feel like the person drawing you, like you should be judging them based on their work.

But they're actually staring at you. So you're like, am I modeling good enough? And then you can't say anything because they're gonna yell at me is this gonna be good am i a good model to them so now you're all anxious while the other person is embarrassed because like are they gonna like my drawing it's just a really weird yeah i've never been i never thought of it until today i've never been in that situation before but i do have a weird memory of being young and my stepmom who was an artist like had sketches of naked people and that was like i asked about the naked people

in the book and she goes oh yeah i know you have a go to an art class and then like somebody stands in the middle of the room and everyone draws a naked person i remember beavis and butthead did that how weird is that entire situation yeah and i guess maybe it shouldn't be as weird as society has made it but it's still pretty weird like hey um there's this here's this dude or woman they're gonna be naked over here draw them there's no other way to do this besides have a person stand there be naked and how like if it's an attractive woman how are you i mean how are you not because you're an artist okay no you know how to compartmentalize now is art time not playtime bry i don't know this is business this is strictly

those boobs are business could you could you start playing with yourself a little bit i just want to get like i want it to be uh it's gonna be it's gonna be on your off on your off hand though not your uh your drawing hand no i'm not the person drawing the model that you're asking like i don't like i don't want you to sit still i want you to fiddle with yourself that's like you're asking me personally like can you play with yourself a little bit while you draw right now while you're while you do the show i mean like yourself i guess i don't think there's enough room i got this table i got these gloves and i don't know it's a whole challenge okay so going back to the food going back to the question sex just once or eat a full holiday meal by yourself in front of a stranger well hold on no what what about you like hold on

i'm trying to not jerk off in front of you like i'm just trying to skate on by it what do you think imagine like imagine getting horrible news okay like you your your phone rings and you just get this call and then there's someone just in the corner. You're like over there crying like, what, how did it happen? And blah, blah. And you look, there's a person just staring at you. Like you're getting the worst call of your life.

That, I mean, you, uh, nevermind. It's not going to be good memories. Can I do it anyway? Yeah. I was kind of that person. Yeah. Yeah. Do you remember?

Yeah. Yeah. When I was dying. Yeah. And then you got the call that your dad was dying. Your dad. And I was just looking at, because I knew you were upset, but I went up to all the machines just looking at Brad Guy, like, oh no, what just happened?

And you're like, I gotta take this? And I'm like, oh shit. I had no idea what happened. So I did kind of just stare at you while I was in a hospital bed, like, what's happening to Brian right now? Not just you. It was like a hospital bed. Like what's happened to Brian right now? Not just you. It was like the nurses with you too.

So I walked back to the room like, uh, I think, I think my dad may have just died. And, and then you were looking at me like what? And then the two nurses that were working on you look over. So I've got three people staring at me. What a shit. I completely forgot about how weird that whole situation was. The whole thing was crazy Because we took you to the ER Yes, you took me to the ER

I Ubered home Sorry I couldn't hang around You're like, hey man, go I was like, you got it dude So I hop out, Uber my ass back home Imagine, I just imagine The black van showing up To the hospital for you Waiting, I was like, no I'm good, look at me, I just imagine like the black van showing up to the hospital for you.

Waiting. I was like, no, I'm good. Look at me. I'm walking. It's like the Grim Reaper. Every time you see a black van. He slams the door. He's pissed.

God damn it. How much gas I wasted to get here. Get over here. Thinking I had some business. Fuck. But when I, I don't think I ever shared this with you. When I was walking out, the people that were like, because they make you go out in a wheelchair, I guess, if you have heart stuff.

So I was out in a wheelchair. And they're like, okay, we have someone picking you up, right? Like a duh. Yeah, of course I do. I got family and friends. I think I was getting an Uber. This was fresh, too. Still after.

I know. You have family to pick you up right uh well i would have technically technically they're busy i'll just get an uber i don't i don't want to trouble them this was very it's spur of the moment everyone's busy everyone's it's the middle of the day it's the middle of the goddamn day here oh well actually the guy that brought me also had an emergency so he had to go can i anyway can you give me a ride home just ask the nurse for a ride home i actually live not too far from here you just push me just push me yeah just let me borrow this wheelchair

i'll bring it back in a week well we can't have you do that because you might have a heart attack on the way home okay roll me back in okay so let's let's wrap up this let's wrap up this question would you rather stranger watch you have sex or a stranger watch you eat a full holiday meal really quick for the experience i want to go with just sex i don't care okay i'm gonna go with it just because really quick yeah and then we'll get back on track here you bet you imagine getting the bad news and the person watching you verbally orgasms right based on the one one of our other conversations laying in that bed yeah oh he looks upset just everyone's so confused sorry it's not only is it someone you don't know listening you

get bad news but then he is turned on by it oh my god he's so sad oh can you can you get sadder can you get sadder can you go punch him this is a pretty sad situation as it is some dude's watching me or eat my meal you know all right anyway um i'm gonna go i'm gonna go with the eating holiday meal yeah just because sex is still so yeah intimate unless we. Unless we're going with the homeless guy who just wants to be warm. Now I'm helping somebody out. Yeah, now it's a philanthropy. Yeah. Now it's a whole mission.

Philanthropy sounds like a sexual thing, too. Yeah, an endeavor. Yeah. Okay, well, let's move on. Okay. Fuck it. We're killing it. Hey. Hey, what's up's up babe what are you thinking about

uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about hey brian i hope you don't mind i didn't have time to do my hair today have you noticed i never do my hair so i don't care okay cool it looks the same doesn't it i don't know it's not a little less fluffy in the front yeah a little less uh it's thin though it's thinning out okay thanks bro so this is going back to an experience i had about i want to say two months ago okay and we're going back to a cashier situation which if you have followed me over from another podcast you know that i have um am i fucking bothering you that was from a pita pit experience oh i thought you were talking to your sound bit oh no this is that's just killer

oh let's just shred fest over there no but there's a a local chain restaurant for i think the pacific northwest i don't i don't know for sure. It's called Sweeto Burrito. It's good. It's good. It's great. It's like a fusion gourmet burrito place where you'll get a burrito, but one will have hash browns, tater tots, steak, queso, just things, you know, just loading that thing up. Do we have one in Coeur d'Alene?

Yep. Getting one on the way out. Sure do. So I take the kids to Sweeto Burrito. They love it. We have fun. Always a great experience. And so I lead with this. Love myself a Sweeto Burrito. So we go

into Sweeto Burrito. And if you're currently not sponsored, if Sweeto Burrito's listening though. Oh, well after they hear this story, they might not sponsor us. And it wasn't really... Okay. So, Pepper, we got in there i know what pepper wants and peppers are pre-teens so she wants nothing to do with her family so she goes and sits in the corner you know with her headphones on yeah she's picking out picking

out the table ezra follows me up to the cashier so we can order all of our food he just wants to look at all the electronics and yeah he's pushing shit and you know he just wants to make sure the things beep correctly uh and things like that so he's listening to dad do the order for everybody and i i go through it i get myself my burrito meal i get carnivore no i usually go with the white chick or the sweet burrito oh yeah my wife gets the white chick it's really good she's brown though so it's kind of weird but so it's a borderline racist yeah uh and then pepper got i don't know i think it's just a quesadilla she's like yeah she's like i don't care i'm turning to tiktok i don't care she's like which i am proud she's like listening to emo music that i grew up on so i mean be as

sad as you're taking back sunday no she's uh my chemical romance oh yeah my chemical romance and story of the year the used finch yeah like some good emo stuff so anyway uh ordering stuff at sweeto burrito and we get done with the order and i have my card out and i'm just looking down at the card reader and ezra is off to my left so he's in my periphery i can see him off the side of the counter and i'm just standing there and i'm looking down and then i like after like 10 seconds go by i just glance back up and the guy's just still looking down at the screen like kind of pushing stuff and i'm like all right and then he's just randomly pushing but i don't know what he's doing i can't see so i stand there i got my card out and i'm looking at

the card reader just waiting for the next step because because I'm all done. Does it say wait for cashier? Yeah. It just has the default logo for a card reader. Okay. Whatever the company. Verifone, or whatever the fuck. Verifone. Yeah.

Verifone. We're not 80s. And I can see Ez. So much time has passed. 30 seconds at least, which is a lot when you're just standing next to somebody, right? And Ezra. Sex, that's a whole sex thing for me. And Ezra's brain, I mean, he's all over the place, so he can entertain himself forever.

And he has found, he has noticed the amount of time that we're standing there to be a little suspicious. And we're sitting with autism who doesn't pick up on. Yeah. So he just like peeks up at me and just looks at me and i look at him and i give him a little smile and he just like smiles back at me then looks back down at the counter and uh maybe another 15 to 20 seconds go by so we're damn near a minute of me just standing there with my card out and the guy behind the counter not saying shit um and my ezra's smiling i'm laughing a little bit and then the guy behind the counter i will never forget this he looks up and he goes uh you waiting for someone else

and i just go no i just waiting to pay he goes oh okay this story's not over yet fucking trevor come on man it keeps going it keeps going but after that happened and he goes uh you waiting for someone else it just went back into silence again after i went no i guess waiting to pay and then esther's doing the same side eye like what is happening and maybe another 20 seconds go by and he goes how are you gonna pay i have my fucking card ready to slide in my hand i've had it for four minutes now you know a minute and a half looking at the thing i'm using to pay like i'm waiting like there's no other uh instrument for payment over here by me The only option is for me to stick my card in this glowing box. And you just got to push the buttons.

And he goes, how are you going to pay? And I was like, just with the card reader right here. And Esther's going, like, he's laughing. And I feel bad. I don't know what this guy's going through. I don't know his mental state. I don't know how high he is. Yeah, and then after I say that he goes oh okay and he just goes and pushes like 40 buttons thing lights up and

transaction is done and i walk back and then ezra's like as i'm walking back with our cups to fill them up ezra goes what was that all about he's like what just happened i was like i don't know wait till we get back to the table we We can tell Pepper. Ship, ship, ship, ship, ship. And I just, I will always remember that for the rest of my life. And so, Ezra, because every time we go anywhere, I felt it over the last couple months. You walk up to a cashier to pay. There's always a little side eye. He's like, is this the time? Is this the time it's going to happen again?

Just a minute. You waiting for someone else? What? What are you? What are you talking about? Am I waiting for someone else? Like? What are you talking about? Am I waiting for someone else? Like, who does that? In what situation?

I was sitting down and trying to rack my brain around a situation where that would make sense as a question to ask. Only if you were standing back. Or if I kept looking back. Yeah. And looking at my phone and kind of giving indication that I'm waiting for another. I'm trying to fit something else in. That was about it. The only time that happens though,

is when you're like, I looked at them and said, Hey, I'm waiting for someone else. If you're waiting back a little bit and they're like, Hey, can I, I can help you right here.

Oh, I'm waiting for somebody else. That's my line. Yeah. That's not your line. You can't, you took my line, line,

line, took the wrong one, line, line. He stole it, man. the wrong one. Line! Line! He stole it. Man, it's hard to snap. Yeah, it is. You know what would have been funny is if he actually did mouth when you did that.

Yeah. Imagine if you're like, all you need to do is say, okay. And then he doesn't push anything. He opens his mouth and he points to it and you're like, what? Is this a new, I mean, I'll try it. That's ATM, right? Yeah, ask the mouth mouth you get it um pdm pocket to mouth cdm card to mouth but i just had to share that story that's so funny yeah i wish as it was serious in school right now but he would love to come down here and explain it because he has told his teachers about it he was so fascinated about

the guy who just stood there um you waiting for someone else uh nope just waiting to pay that was all we had that's it i love that there's the whole story you guys have that little moment too now wherever you go somewhere i mean forever you could you could be an old man especially with him yeah yeah his autism's never letting that one go yeah it's it's it's like there's a safe place for that one always ready to bring up and he's brought it up before i'm like so proud of his like little because i mean one of his biggest thing is social interaction or one of his biggest issues is figuring out like when it's okay to talk about sprinklers and talk about scoreboards and not bore people to death and he's trying to figure figure out the balance and not force them into his world.

They're not excited about sprinkler heads. So we're working on that. But we were at home. We were about to leave. And I was doing something. And I was like, he's kind of froze trying to figure out what I was doing. And Ezra just goes, you waiting for someone else?

I was like, nah, you got it. That's my boy. You get it. He's funny. You know, like we come over here and we'll start chatting about ideas. Him and Pepper, they both start the whole. Riffing off got it. That's my boy. You get it. He's funny. We come over here and we'll start chatting about ideas. Him and Pepper, they both start the whole- Riffing off of it? Yeah.

Yeah. It's pretty funny. Like the impromptu, like and, and? Yeah, yeah. The yes and. Yeah, they feed in. Okay, let's get off to a small little dick today. Okay.

All right. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick dick Oh, you're wearing a loud jacket too? I am. And every time my beard hair is just long enough

so I have an itch and we're talking and I'm like... You can hear that. So I keep forgetting to get that camera. Get that deep scratch. Okay, so our one piece of dick this week. Gosh dang it I found this so funny

And I hope you do too Headline Ready? Yes Pigeon wearing crystal meth Like a backpack Caught inside British Columbia prison yard

Oh was he Bringing it in? So funny To think about Okay I'll Little straps His mama Like mama page G gave him a little kiss on the forehead before he carries his back back into a prison yard be safe today honey safe

nearly a century ago a pigeon breeder approached federal custom officers with a bit of an odd problem the pigeon he'd recently sold to a buyer in mexico had flown back to his home in texas with two aluminum capsules full of cocaine tied to its legs after a brief investigation officials announced their conclusion carrier pigeons smuggling drugs which is like i don't even have to read this fucking story at all but anyway so this picture when the birds were caught with pills and powder stuffed into mini backpacks, tiny baggies, or zippered pouches, sometimes foiled because they couldn't get off the ground with all the weight. What? God damn it, lift!

Skipping leg day again, huh, pigeon? It's so funny because they're so used to flying, and now they can't. Now they can't. They don't know why. It says, last week, for the first time in recent memory, one was captured in BC. This is kind of a curveball, said John Randall, Pacific Regional President of the Union for Canadian Correctional Officers. That's a long title.

Yeah, it is. You got to be, there's got to be a shorter one. Pacific Regional President of the Union of Canadian Correctional Officers. Maybe they call them UFC. Yeah. Or something like that. Officers were standing in one of the fenced inmate unit yards when prisoners used regularly for hanging out, playing games, or just getting some fresh air.

And then a pigeon flew in with a backpack, a crystal meth. From my understanding, it was tied to it in a similar fashion as like a little backpack. My understanding. My understanding. Such a piece. Now, what I've got through the. What I've, the information that I have received. That I've gathered, yeah.

The sources are telling me. The sources are telling me, which have not been verified. He was wearing a tiny backpack full of meth. Like, just such a piece. Please don't sue me. I'm trying my best. And then this is great. They had to corner it.

You can imagine how that would look, trying to a pigeon just come on imagine and all we need is the backpack we're gonna let you go the inmates are like you're gonna get him you're gonna get him dude uh blah blah blah so this also brought into the the article also brought into the fact that drones are a problem too now because people can fly in drones and drop off drugs in the yard um which i didn't even think about but yeah you can drop it from way up way up you could just find the person and park right above them and then hope it lands in the yard and then you're in the general area and you walk up there and snag it and if it doesn't work guess what try tomorrow you're there yeah yeah there's always again. There's always tomorrow. There's literally always tomorrow. We're going to have to put some sort of a roof now.

A drone back, like a bird net for catching meth. What a fucking world. Can you imagine, like, the pigeon comes flying in, they're like, oh, right, he's here. Yeah, I mean, like, they're over in the corner planning this thing out. The issue, I know, that's where I'm going to go. The issue is, like, what they should have done is given a little bit of meth to the to the pigeon and then strap the backpack on no one's catching that pig that pigging that pigeon he's running between the legs just so fast no but yeah it goes back to these things are being trained somebody's training these pigeons to carry little

soldiers from the prison yard god that's funny and it being in a little backpack and i just want the attention to detail like they had like a little adidas like they're like jam sport yeah so follow me we had one growing up yeah it was jam sport but they they ripped it off and it was a brand called sturdivants in the back of the pack backpack always said follow me to sturdivant's. They were never going to Sturdivant's. They were going to fucking PE is where they were going, okay? But it always said that on the back of the backpack.

And I'm not sure what their marketing program was, but it feels like 90% of the kids I knew growing up, you could always follow them to Sturdivant's. And they never went. Population should be crazy. Crazy. ever went um population should be crazy crazy but just have someone training these pigeons in extra detail like just draw like little adjustable straps a little like and then you you like is that tight enough yeah i mean yeah you got the meth in the main pouch you got little pencils the other little water bottle there's like a uh bike helmet hanging off dude i can't do this so i don't know maybe so like pigeons

wearing a bike helmet with the little gopro on it gopro on it he's now the drone so i uh looney tunes used to have a cartoon where there was a guy that was like his act was training pigeons or training birds to do little things yeah and i think it was a joke based off training animals to do things but he used to train he had like a little it was like a little bike on a tightrope and he had all the little that's what i'm picturing like all the little things that that we do like daring but scaled down to this mini little version and like and then so like you're you're trying to plan like a bank robbery and you're pointing out it's right and it's a you're sending a pigeon in so you've got tiny little safe imagine like he's like trying to figure out how to open a little teeny safe. I don't want to make a pigeon noise. Little smoke bombs. Yeah, little smoke bombs.

Little shiv. Yeah. Just teeny tiny, every little thing. All their toes have a shank fucking glued to it. Oh, yeah. And then this situation, which again, sure, stereotyping, but let's go into prison. And we just got a bunch of gangs some tough ass dudes in prison what race are they joe all of them they're all the races and they probably from my understanding

they don't like each other um but they're they're all the races they're all the gangs and they're in the prisons and then at night they're training pigeons just fucking and the black pigeons gotta stay stay with the black people. And the white pigeons. And there's got to be other brown pigeons? They got hawks. There's got to be like a light. Whatever skin color, whatever race, you get your own flock of pigeons. Imagine with the little button up flannel shirt just at the top. All the way to the top.

Yeah. He shows that. This is terrible. But now they're like, I wonder where this pigeon came from. And he lifts the wing up as a swastika. He's like, oh, okay. The Aryans. We know exactly where this came from.

It's so funny that they're all dressed up. The little headband, the bandana with the tie in the front. All these pigeons are dressed according to what gang they're flying drugs to. They're like crimp or blood. They used to have a little bandana hanging out the back of their pigeon pocket. But the toughest guys

are like, fuck you! Just like benching 400. And then at night they're training pigeons. They're just dainty. You can do it! Or the pigeon messes at night they're training pigeons. Yeah, they're just dainty. You can do it. You can do it. And the, like,

or the pigeon messes up and they're really mad at it and then you just picture the pigeon like, like this. Can't even. Okay, jump.

Just walking. Look at me when I'm talking to you. It just doesn't know. Give me my backpack. Give me my backpack back. I can do better. Well, imagine,

go back to the, the guy, like, he's bench pressing, and then next to him is a little teeny table with a pigeon. He's just lifting, putting up an equivalent of the same amount. But it's laying on its back, and its little teeny legs are pushing it, or his wings, like the shoulder press thing. He let them down last time. He got weighed down by a couple of measly grams of Coke. Yep. And he's like, I will never let you down again, thing. He let them down last time. He got weighed down by a couple measly grams of Coke. And he's like, I will never let you down again, boss.

He's doing squats. Oh, shit. Anyway, so that- Walking around with a pigeon's foot in your pocket. Isn't that fish? Isn't that when it's their bitch, they have them hold their pocket or something? It sounds right. Let you hold my pocket, Brian.

You get it. I like the sound of that. Anyway, that's funny. Methy backpack. have them hold their pocket or something it sounds right let you hold my pocket brian you get it like sound that anyway that's funny methie backpack anything that's little version of something i find just cute adorable anyway i'm gonna love my penis you get it all right should we move on yeah okay confessions oh sorry confessions Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. Just this big dude. Monster. Like the Green Mile size.

Dude, he's huge. No one will fuck with him in prison. He beat his entire family to death. Right. Bludgeoned them. With just his fists. Yeah. And the report said they've never seen a crime scene as gruesome as what... Heinous.

Heinous as Charlie Smith did. And then at night, he's just a fucking amazing pigeon trainer. Just so delicate. Like zoos all over the world are writing him in jail. Like, hey, what's your secret? What's your secret? Listen, we know you're not getting out. We invite you to come show us how to train the pigeons. We know you're never getting out. Can you please tell us what's your secret what's your secret listen we know you're not getting out we invite you to come show us how to train the pigeons uh we know you're never getting out can you please

tell us what's your secret they bring him to the the pigeons in but they he's all chain he's got all the chains up but all he needs is that's all he needs he trains them to bring drugs into the for the heat he's that fast he's that good okay so this when go ahead when they when they need like i imagine like the movie and like we need someone to to train these pigeons i know a guy He's that fast. He's that good. Okay, so this... Go ahead. When they need... Like, I imagine, like, the movie, and like, we need someone to train these pigeons. I know a guy, and it's like, cuts the slow motion, him walking down the hallway with his chains going. He's got, like, a little pigeon on his shoulder.

Pigeon tattoo on his neck. Yeah, he's got a pigeon tattoo. With a backpack of meth. Okay, so this first confession. Are you ready to get into it? Yeah. Okay, so this first confession is the one to get into it? Yep Okay so this first confession Is the one that I hid from you

Oh yes Diving right in You thought maybe You were going to gag Gag at the start of the show Yeah No I did gag Okay

Thought I was going to puke Well good luck here Sir Fantastic Listeners beware I promise you It's an amazing story You just got to hang in there

Buyer beware Hey daddies Got, it's an amazing story. You just gotta hang in there. Buyer beware. Hey, daddies. Hmm. Got you guys a real doozy this week. Boy, do ya. Several years ago. Gross. I had a co-worker.

Fucking love co-workers. I was absolutely in love with. Oh, my God. Vomit. Several years ago, I had a co-worker that i was absolutely in love with a really sexy guy that would never normally give a chubby funny girl the time of day but we started messing around and being pretty close there goes my boner you know so we met up to have sex and go home well this one night after a vigorous 70 72 hour juice cleanse. Oh, I thought you were going to say 72-hour fuck fest.

No, juice cleanse. Okay. Ready? Yeah. So we met up at one of our spots and climbed in the back of my SUV, something we had done several times. Just an ordinary Thursday. Just a normal backseat fuck fest.

While I'm riding him, everything's good, all of a sudden I felt something very warm down in the playground area but didn't think anything of it so i kept going and he wants me to get off and start sucking his cock which i promptly did as soon as i'm down there i start thinking damn what's that smell thinking he had ripped a fart so i just kept going just love that that was an option man how casual it is embarrassing it is embarrassing little toots during sex well what's worse is a little while you're blowing yeah true yeah something on your chin a little chin music you get it sean michaels it wasn't until he wanted

me to suck his balls that i realized the horrific truth. Yes, I was in fact licking my own liquid shit off of his balls. Oh, God. Completely mortified. I had no idea what to do, so I just kept going. So, yes, I had in fact eaten my own shit off his balls. We both never said a word about it and worked together several years after that. I ended up having to block him from everything because he was constantly blowing up my phone and trying to talk

well i mean you know what his kink is thank you for allowing me to vent about what is quite possibly the most awful thing i've ever done can you imagine just shit dipped balls and you're like oh i can't stop now i mean what would you do i mean okay gross i can't imagine i cannot imagine of just going down on somebody and then before you know you're licking your own shit at least it's your own i guess so that's so that's what you draw the line well i know i'm not saying i would i'm just saying at least it's if it was theirs you're like oh my own shit nah fine how and you were cleansing so it's not like it was buffalo wings you were cleansing i mean so whatever you were putting in there you know probably good for you yeah just recycle it if it's gonna happen at least it happened then celery juice is celery juice that's right yeah just get it. If it's going to happen, at least it happened then. Celery juice is celery juice.

That's right. Get it back in. It tastes like asparagus. Does poop taste like asparagus? Like pee smells like asparagus? I don't know. Are you a poop eater? Please write in.

That's a fetish I will never understand, but I know there's people out there that just love all the poop stuff. I just love it. I mean, she was quite the trooper just continuing on i mean she continued on after she thought he may have farted already right and then she's like and then licks her he's eating her own shit and she's like when you say like that yeah but so i want to go back to where this is like and we never said a word about it and i worked with him several years after that. So when there's passing in the hallway.

Hello. Top of the day. Did you get that report I licked, sent over? TPS. Right. Did you get that email I blind copied you on? Oh, man, that one's just rough. There's nothing to say.

I haven't been in that situation. I have been down in that area, and I'm sure many people have, where I don't know what happened, but you can definitely smell little poops, little poop down in that area. Sorry, Brian. You fucking, I'm a freak. What do you want me to say? I don't have any problem with it. I'm just thinking about myself in that situation and how much like i want to gag now but like actually being in the moment

and i yeah like it's just yeah it's a lot it's a lot like i said i want people to do what they want to do it's not that it's i just don't know what i would in this particular case she did not want to do that she didn't say that she hasn't done it again so maybe like that's just like she's like achievement unlocked new kink unlocked my shit on balls okay let's move on i want to know where they were doing it because like back in the suv oh what oh in the back because i heard suv but i didn't hear the back because i was i was picturing the front seat oh maybe she's on top. And then like how did she get off and then, you know, get down there? Like how awkward that would be.

Just bumping the. Revving the gas pedal? Yeah, like bumping all the shit. Just down there. That's the only thing that could have made it more exciting. Flips it into drive. You're eating your own shit off someone's balls and you're just just maxing out the rpm on the gas pedal engine starts smoking uh okay do you want to read the next confession sure all right do us a let's move on we gotta get out of here okay jeez louise hey guys i have a confession

or whatever all right fucking when i was about 17 i was driving my dad's car home and uh drove into a large brick pillar. Perfect. At the entrance of our street. There was a pretty girthy brick pillar displaying our street name. Okay. Well, I took the turn way too sharp and scraped the absolute fuck out of the passenger side of my vehicle, which was a full-size minivan. Hopefully it wasn't black.

No. It was dented a good five feet along the doors, and the paint was down to bare metal. That's a pretty good scrape. It is. For a terrible paint job. i was pretty scared pretty scared shitless because i uh i know i knew he'd see it fairly soon okay a couple hours later he wanted to go out to eat but i said no and stayed home while he went out with my little brothers he managed not to see it until they're leaving the restaurant and he called me to tell me he thought a big truck side swiped in the parking lot and he was about to go see if they had cameras

to show police. Meanwhile, I was sweating bullets trying not to sound guilty as I'm acting all concerned. Can you imagine? Oh, what?

I bet you they don't have any cameras though. I bet you it was the biggest truck. It was probably like a semi. What a dick. It's probably

truck made out of bricks. Probably. It's like a brick truck. Brick shithouse truck. Brick truck, you know. I mean, things are different. It's probably truck made out of bricks Probably It's like a brick truck Brick shithouse truck Brick truck you know You know I mean things are different It's crazy how many people

Are driving brick trucks That way They don't get blown over Right Yeah no matter what You remember the story You remember the story About the wolf

They took that to the trucks Took it to their grave Meanwhile I was sweating bullets Trying to sound guilty They would never They never could get the cameras to see in the direction of where he parked. As far as he knows, 12 years later, someone got away with damaging his vehicle and I just had to share a fun story of me being a dumbass kid.

Which silver lining of all that? The insurance probably paid for it, right? Yeah, but you lied to your parents. Okay, well, well okay who cares okay are you lying oh who cares but insurance probably covered it and everybody's better off because if the parents knew that you were the one that did it then your parents would have to lie to the insurance company to try to get it all covered up yeah you did them a favor but he went in and thought 100 he got side and that that confidence to the insurance company was probably enough to get it all paid for so keep lying that's so funny when you know the truth like whenever you hear a lie like that when you know the truth and it just keeps getting bigger and bigger now he's like

arguing with insurance companies fighting Fighting with other businesses. Put your manager on the phone. And you're like, you know the truth. And he's playing NBA Jam. He's heating up. Heating up. Baseline leaner. He's on fire.

Whenever you watch a movie and you know something and the characters don't know what's going on. And you're like, dude, it's right. It's so obvious. It's right there. But you already know. It's kind of like that. I wish's right. It's so obvious. It's right there. But you already know. It's kind of like that. Like, I wish I could say something because I know, but I can't because I'll get in trouble. You want to get into one more confession for this week? Yeah, let's do it.

All right. You want to do it or you want me to do it? I'll read it. Okay. There's a loaded question because we're going to do it regardless. Hey there, daddios. Hi. Hey.

I have a nasty confession for you two. Not another nasty one. Yeah, this one is pretty nasty. I remember now. I used to work at a retail shoe store. And had the world's worst general manager. I was assistant manager. Assistant to the manager.

Doesn't say that. Was it Al Bundy? Is this Al Bundy that's writing it? Yeah. At the time. And I was tired of my boss's shit, so I was close to quitting and didn't give any more fucks. One day, she had brought in her lunch and asked me to wash her fork in the back sink.

That is a shitty boss. Yeah. Excuse me. Peasant? Hello, peasant? Wash your own fucking fork. Will you wash my fork? Watch?

Not even wash? Will you watch my fork? Watch? Not even wash? Will you watch my fork? I would just... Puts it down on the table. Will you please watch my fork? I'm gonna go... I'm gonna go take a piss. Will you watch my fork?

Funny you say that. I took it to the bathroom, which is where our back sink was, turned around, peed in the toilet, then proceeded to wash her fork in the unflushed toilet bowl oh i gave her the fork as if nothing was wrong it took everything in me not to laugh when she ate her food with the said fork hope you guys enjoyed the story love y'all oh you know what

i want to do what piss on i think we uh oh my god this reminds me what it tastes like i've always wanted to piss on a fork i think we may have talked about this and i don't know maybe we asked for this already but um well yeah i think we did just right like gross things that you did if when you worked at a restaurant to oh yeah yeah customers we did that didn't we yeah that's pretty early on and we got some good ones and we still get some that come in to the email of uh yeah but you guys are there's some fucked up stuff that happens the old fast food line i just in as a person who eats fast food a lot i just every time i go i'm like why am i doing this you know and i think the last time we did confessions which was really what not that long ago last week was the last week i was the one about shaving the feet

off into the salad or the spaghetti or whatever it was yeah would you like more cheese with that tell me when or say when say when if it wasn't last week it was the week before it was whatever the one was before new year's it was the one we recorded before new years i guess it was it was not like two weeks ago but doesn't matter still gross still gross and still amazing absolutely but we get so many confessions and they're so good. It's hard to wait a long time to get those things in. But continue to send in all of these confessions to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Man, those are some good ones.

Any final words before we hop off to maybe some good news for this week? No, I think I'm ready for some good stuff. Okay, let's do it. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed. Yeah! All right, Joe, you ready for a cool story? Please make me happy about it.

This 19-year-old kid, I guess he's, no, technically he's an adult, but to me he's a kid. All grown up um his name is avery suitor suitor he's raising money um you know just for for charities or i don't know what it's for probably to like send to me probably just raising money for you it's for your go fund me like what like a bigger hot tub real real important shit i he's like i'll do it we could all he's in uh yeah anyway okay yeah i know that bro we could all use a bigger hot tub am i right am i right you get it anyway he's traveling from maine to florida florida here's why okay a 19 year old traveling the entire eastern seaboard all on a unicycle that is a long can you even ride a unicycle

no i've never tried okay my dad was a unicycle type guy we'll get into we'll get into that here in a bit go ahead is he a unicef guy yeah because that seems like this kind of what this is unicef that's what it was like hey can you join unicef and he went out and got a unicycle like this okay fine you're in uh since september aviator suiter has used a unicycle. Like this? Okay. Fine, you're in. Since September, Avery Suter has used his unicycle to travel more than 1,800 miles and counting. His trip began in Maine, and he was spotted on Tuesday riding in Palm Coast. And he only goes about eight or nine miles an hour, he said. Suter said the trek is all to raise money for the East Coast Greenway,

a cycling route that organizers hope will eventually connect 15 states his goal is to reach key west by next month that is i mean good for him his poor taint yeah i mean those seats are pretty pretty nice right i don't know i was waiting for it uh no but my dad would ride a unicycle fucking 40 miles in a day 40 yeah you just get bored and ride from you had to go pick him up not this time that was on a bicycle we go way farther maybe not quite 40 but he had ridden his his motor or his motorcycle i didn't make it to colorado can you come pick me up where are you just south of town are you on the unicycle yep yep my taint hurts real bad no but he had like a like a monster unicycle like a custom-made one that was fucking god the wheels were three and a half four feet that's like a circus one and then he would

just pop up and imagine that guy with the giant uh bike remember in the old days the tiny wheel and the big bike and like wearing a suit ding ding and he's like riding 40 miles on late for work okay he's juggling at the same time with a bit of a mustache his mustache is juggling he's just juggling three jobs yeah that's what he's doing he's making the amount of money he made back in 1917 one dollar right now he made he made 94 cents today enough for the sunday paper i was watching a show that took place in the 20s not too long ago and they were talking about how much they made they're like 13 a week or whatever it's like oh you're gonna get a race 200 a month

yikes good god That'd be terrible. $13 a week. He doesn't even pay for a movie now. Think about what I was doing at 19. Dude, Sherry needs to fuck off. Our watches, well, these gloves that we're wearing always push the buttons on these watches. They just, oh, that's what it is. Yeah. They push them.

Because they're fucking hardcore. Yeah, they are. They control us. We don't control the gloves uh 19 not responsible for what i do when i'm wearing these gloves i was just fucked up in college is what i was doing at 19 this guy's like you know what i'm gonna ride my unicycle to raise money for something that's gonna impact millions of people down the road and i'm like yeah i'd rather fucking drink champagne off some titties he's probably just well that's what that's why he's doing it it's not really for charity it's so he gets all the people to recognize who he is and so whenever he walks

in a room there's throwing i'll tell you what he's not doing it to for to get laid is that the unicycle guy oh fanning themselves oh my god is that that's steven avery avery the unicycle guy not nope not the hottest ride hop on babe walk behind me babe i'll give you a ride home a little wagon you gotta pull behind it i'll give you i'll give you a ride home. A little wagon that you gotta pull behind it. I'll give you a ride home. Get on my shoulders. We'll put a trench coat on and we'll pretend to be a person. Look how tall we are. That's funny. With your little head peeking

out the bottom. Never had a night like this, had you, miss? You're giving her... You're not like other guys. Just this fucking dime like a 10 in every state around the world a 10 you've somehow gotten her to be like yeah i'll go home with you you get out there you unpack your unicycle you snap the seat up whatever clip it into place and you're like popping up the tire you get on your knees

like get on my shoulders she's like fucking what like get on and then you get up she's on your shoulders you're on the unicycle you're juggling and you're pedaling your ass

back to your apartment where no woman has ever been before like that is you know what I'm doing this babe yeah toots here catch this one for me like throw like throw one up a little bit higher okay drop it down hey he's fucking now grab that chainsaw out of my backpack what set it on fire trust me like doing a little forward pedal backwards pedal she's just like she's like jesus christ like she's

about to throw up all right one two there's always that audience if you ride a unicycle you have to know that people there's so that you always have an audience because anytime doesn't matter where you are if you see somebody on a unicycle you stop and look at the person on the unicycle right guy wow is that one wheel have you ever seen a guy in your cycle and not stopped and just watched him for a second or like yeah or just didn't even acknowledge that he was on a unicycle no absolutely he's on a unicycle look at that guy look at that guy he's like he's riding a unicycle your brain's never like no i guess another day he's just a guy doing travel he's a mobile human that's so funny to

think about he's another guy going from point a to point b it's like one it's kind of like the when you see someone riding down on a bike or but you see a guy you know and like every day people pull out their phones do a trick recording some guy on a unicycle it's just some guy going out for exercise I am pumped Avery Suter good job man like I mean I hope that the trail that you're raising funds for I hope you get a lot of tail

from it yeah tail we all know it's not gonna happen alright you ready to move on yeah I just I just picture like

this dude riding up like he's trying to be all threatening but he's not like he's pulling to a drug deal imagine him rolling to a drug deal

with a backpack with a unicycle he's got like he's got the money or the drugs are like in his backpack and he rolls up to this dude and gets off his motorcycle now i'm picturing like a whole gang of motorcycle no they're up but they're on unicycles with leather jackets and they sell drugs just a group of them rolling up like people batting down the hatches like oh shit like

you don't want to mess with those guys they come riding into town like always kind of like losing because they're juggling they're juggling the kilos of heroin and just juggling guns it's another day cowboy hats i don't know why i picture him in the wild west well everyone else has horses and they're like the cap gun i love the smell of cap gun but if yeah me too and gasoline all right i could go on about that for not gas straight out of the gas it's like when you're pumping it in a car Yeah It's the Second hand Gas The second hand gas

It gets you hard right Yep Alright let's move on Anyway Okay The internet is pretty wild Depending on your browsing habits You can either experience something super cool

Or Go to prison Crazy Right Let's check it out Together As a couple Hey Look what I found Yes Or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together. As a couple. Hey, look what I found.

Yes! That's awesome! Alright, Joe. I'm sure a lot of people have seen this before. Yeah? But Abdullah sent in this. It's called the buttress pillow. Buttress?

The buttress pillow. Alright. And it looks like... Do I know what it is like just off the name well try to guess uh it's a butt pillow yeah okay cool like a mistress yeah and so they're they're shaped i mean like there's a if you go to the website i'm looking at the gallery right now buttresspillow.com but the the main like the main page if you just kind of scroll down through the website, there's animation. There's like a gif of this woman snuggling this.

Because it's like a bare skin. There's one with a thong on. And there's another chick with like, she's cuddling up next to, it looks like it's got leggings on. And then there was a picture I saw earlier. The guy looked like he had his face in the crack of this thing, like he was sniffing her ass. What else are you going to do? Oh, there it is. It's at the very bottom.

Okay, going. It's going down. Okay. All the way down at the bottom on the right. Yeah. It's a woman. The butt tris pillow. Yeah.

It looks like she's getting a massage, but her face is in the taint. In the taint. Is it 2023 yet, is the caption? Yeah. Doesn't matter. Your face is in a butt pillow, lady. Taint. How good could things be going? I mean, butts are comfortable. Yeah. three yet is the caption yeah doesn't matter your face is in a butt pillow lady taint look how good

could things be going i mean butts are comfortable yeah i mean i like a i mean who doesn't like a good button yeah a good squishy butt yeah i don't spend enough time laying on butts well here you go oh but i i agree because well there's there's something risky about it too like you don't know if you're gonna get a toot in the ear yeah this is one way to avoid that you get all the benefits of a butt but the cons well not without i mean minus the chance of of anal partner minus anal you can put well they have they have ones you can actually do that with oh my god just thinking about like okay combo company butchers pillow fleshlight just cut a hole in your pillow pop a little fleshlight in there Yeah

You're welcome Or you could just get A pair of leggings For one of those Fuck butts Don't they have those? They're like Yeah I'm sure they do

They're shaped like a Yeah or You get some fishnets For a fuck butt I'll take the The ass pounder 2000 Sne sneaking into a sex shop like hey what you got any leggings for a sex butt you bring in your own leggings if you're like while you're trying them on do you have any sex butts here um is that the what we call them i

don't know do you do you mind if i take it out of the box and try these leggings on right and make sure they fit snug uh yeah but you can buy a butt pillow i like that so if you're looking for uh a funny little gift i bet you it's very comfortable imagine bringing this onto an airplane with like a like a thong on it yeah and like because you're not doing anything illegal it's a fucking we're gonna get some looks it's like it's like you rode in on the airplane with a unicycle you're gonna get some looks you're also gonna get some great sleep so it's a toss-up uh you wake up and some other guy's laying on it with you he's like there's two cheeks do you mind if i take the right half no come on in here get on in here choose your

booty i love it 139 for the big one one they're all Those are expensive $79 for the little one Okay That one's on pre-order though I can't get that one yet I don't know why A little butt freaks me out Cause now it's like A teeny butt

That's like a kid butt That child butt It's a kid butt Now you're weird Mmm Let's just call the cops We should call the cops Let's call the cops

Thebuttrouspillow.com If you want to check out the butt stuff all right ready to move on want to move on to some emails yeah okay the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Our kids are so nice.

And they send us nice things. Yes, sometimes they make me mad. Oh, people were asking, just a reminder, in the episode description, there is our address for fan mail. People want to send stuff in. They're asking if we have a P.O. Box. We do have a P.O. Box. And it's linked in the episode description on whatever platform you're using right now. Just go down to the bottom, and it says all that stuff right there. So our first email is coming in from our son, Chubbs.

He had a wild year. Ready? Hey, daddies. Call me Chubbs. You got it. I started the year by leaving a job I absolutely hated after years of being underpaid and overworked. The day before my last day at work, I found out that I won the lottery. How sick is that? $100,000. But after taxes, came out to about 69.

Nice. More money than I've ever had in my life. Could you imagine it? It actually came out to 71. He's like, you can take an extra 2,000. I just wanted to be 69. He's like,

please make it 69. It's better luck for me. So he says, I traveled Europe and the UK for three months, drinking and eating to my heart's content. As soon as I got back to the US, I had a friend pass away. I moved to a new area where I had no friends and fell into a deep depression. Couldn't find a job after applying to so many. Started driving for a rideshare company as a source of income and immediately got rear-ended, causing whiplash and back injuries.

It took over a month for my car to be fixed due to parts coming in damage it's been a wild year to say the least love your loyal son chubs god win the lottery real rear-ended and fucked up yeah that is a wild ride you you're it's like your best down up down like holy shit i don't have to work for this shitty job. I got all this money, I'm going to go live my best life. And then now you're, like, suicidal. You come back and just be like, fuck. Well, I'm glad that you're okay, Chubbs, because getting rear-ended is, I mean, it sounds like enough to really fuck your car up, so I'm glad that you're okay.

Whiplash is no joke either. And I've never known somebody that has won the goddamn lottery before, so. Chubbs? Well well we won the lottery just to get to spend time with each other oh you hitting on me that's so nice my butt's hitting on the chair i hear it uh you want to read our next our next email yeah love you chubbs all right this is for big step daddy boy with a y with Y, yes I remember him This is an old An old email Okay

That I didn't realize was old Until I saw the date Okay Welcome by the way So he's welcoming me to the To the show? Fuck Thanks dude

This is an old one I've actually been following you Since Donnie Do-It-All What? Holy cow Donnie Do-It-All He was a character I created way back

Okay Dad and Bloat And recently Boy Moms Be Like segments That's awesome Well that Dude I created way back. Okay. Dad and bloated recently. Boy moms be like segments. That's awesome. Well, dude, that's way back. When I was talking about having a masterpiece of, or when he was talking about having a masterpiece of poop, which would have been episode one, right?

There used to be a website called ratemypoo.com. I remember ratemypoo. Yeah, it's not around anymore. Is it? It's not? I clicked on it and it took me to a virus. Oh, let me go take a look. No, I'm kidding.

Is this a stool company? Now you know what it is? You know what it turned into? It's not Rape My Poo, it's Rape My Pussy. Oh. And it's just pictures of vaginas. Really? Yeah, pause.

One second. I'm a guest and I'm a man. Enter. I accept your terms and conditions. Did you click on the link? I sure did. You're pussy rated live. I accept your terms and conditions. Did you click on the link? I sure did. Your pussy rated live. Must be 18 years or older to enter.

What is happening? Look at this. I'm in a chat room right now with just somebody rubbing their pussy. I can talk to any of these people. Is that one of those fake? No. Pop on over. Check it out. What? Like, I can talk to any of these people. Is that one of those fake? No.

Pop on over. Check it out. What? See? What's ringing right now? My sister's calling me. Oh. So, yeah, this room is full.

It says, oh, it's full. You can't join it anyway. Nope. Need to create an account. No, thanks. Nope. I didn't want to do that. Oh.

I know. Look at this. Room 7. Connecting to room 7. Yep. It's another one. This one is trivia chatters? What? Let's see what's going on over here. Yeah. So it's just people. Is that live right now? I think so. That's what she's doing right now. I think so. I don't know for sure. I can't prove it. Someone just gave me a thumbs up. i'm the only person in here so that they knew that was me i was the only i'm

the only person watching this person they just gave me a thumbs up welcome great guy why is i didn't know this it's keep keep reading i'm gonna go to the smoking lounge wait um oh shoot um okay uh it's where anyway the rate my poo is where the people post pictures of their poop and caption it go to the smoking lounge. Oh, shoot. Anyway, the Rate My Poo is where the people post pictures of their poop and caption it with other people who rate it. Captions like the snake, which is super long spiral poop. The Lincoln Log, where it has to be a big-ass log. The eruption, where it's like a small

splat of shit around the toilet. Pretty much diarrhea. But wait, there's more! My personal favorite, the Kraken. And yes, weirdly looked like one. People are proud of their poop. They're fantastically gorgeous, disgusting masterpieces. I do wish you could see the original website,

but there's a Reddit post about it, and you'll see some of it. Love the show. Sorry for the long email, but I'm super glad to get it in. It's fucking weird humor. Your adopted Filipino son, Josh. By the way, I'm not from the philippines from the bay area to win this how come the toilet to win this how come the toilet paper uh couldn't cross the street oh go ahead why it got stuck in a crack classic the reason i brought

this email in was because a buddy of mine and we used to we used to have this idea that I had never seen Rate My Poo. And we had this idea for, it was called turdconnoisseur.com. And we were going to basically do the same thing. People upload their poop and you rate it and all that kind of stuff. And one of the ones we had was the Mount Turdsmore. That was one of them. Pretty good. But we had this whole Brown Friday thing that the day after thanksgiving

instead of black friday it was gonna be brown friday and everybody sends in their shits of after their thanksgiving meals i don't remember if i talked about this on the show before or not but this was my chance to do it again i'm half listening half just chatting with people i just wrote in there i said i said hey i'm talking about your guys's channel right now live and everyone's like yeah it's all live all right never mind never mind you don't get it there's no real people yeah there's chat it's a whole chat room it's like aol chat room style thing is what i was just it's like oh oh man all right yeah rate my poop i've never said i'm not a poop sender but i have friends that did do the poop sending thing. We used to do it via text.

Vigorously. Are you ready to wrap things up? Wrap it up. Get after the bonus side here. Yep. Remember, if you want to hear the bonus content that we do every single episode, head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. You can also find a link in the episode description. I think we just had the biggest week ever as far as our Patreon

goes. Got a ton of new people in there, so thank you so much for being a part of the gaggle and honk honk, motherfuckers. It's been fun doing the extra stuff. We get to dive in a little bit more, and we're trying to come up with some other things, too, for the kids. It's tough to keep kids entertained.

Yeah, their focus is always darting all over the place. They want more. Look at this. You want this toy? You want this toy? Fighting over toys. Fighting over toys. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook. Just search for Can You Don't Podcast.

It's the same for YouTube. And if you want to send something to the show, hey guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com. If you want to lick shit off my balls, you can go ahead and send me shit and I'll put it on my balls. And the P.O. Box is linked in the episode description. Oh. And then I'll film Brian licking shit off and I'll put it on my balls, and the P.O. box is linked in the episode description. Oh. And then I'll film Brian licking shit off my balls and put it in the Patreon account

for everyone to look like. Look like? I don't know. Rate and review wherever you listen to the podcast, and of course, big thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. You got a joke or something? I'm not going to read it. You got the joke this week.

Okay, here we go. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I find this joke funny now because of what we talked about earlier with the unicycle. Oh, all right. I'm intrigued. But why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? Why?

Because it was too tired. I get it. Because it's two tires. because it needs like four tires why did the balance why did the unicycle fall over i don't know wasn't getting enough ass you know what i mean yeah steven or whatever his name was avery avery avery's suit and sutton imagine him it's like he they get he gets in the room he turns turns some sexy music on, and he hangs up his... Oh yeah! Oh yeah!

You actually put on Stained or Creed? Hold me now! I'm six feet from the age and I'm stinky! My own prison! That is sexy time music. Successful 31. lots of laughs today with you bry yeah it was fun excited for 32 yeah let's do the bonus shit ready yeah i'll see y'all in there yeah i'm listening on patreon we'll see you next week we love you bye Outro Music