Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Kirby. WaveRunner. Teddy Bear. Plastic Chair.

Episode Date: July 12, 2023

What would you do if you were robbed at gunpoint... but then the robber made you friend request him on Facebook because you were too pretty to rob? Yep... that happened. Let's talk about that, celebrate a whole month of Uncle Zaq sleeping on the couch in the CYD basement, tossing a 3 year old in jail for peeing his pants, medicine that can help you grow teeth, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/o2pmILd4de0Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Kirby. Wave Runner. Teddy Bear. Plastic Chair. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome to Can You Don't? Episode 56. Hey! Children of all ages. Hey, Zachy! I'm here. We're celebrating one month of B. Yay! One month of Uncle Zach on the couch in the basement. Sleeping on the couch.

It's been a nice, it's a nice couch. I just picture him like pissing in a bucket. Yeah. It's my bucket. We don't let him upstairs, so he pees in a bucket. No, he just like, you know, scares the kids. Yeah. But it's not about your personality, it's my bucket doesn't want we don't let him upstairs so he pees in a bucket no he just like you know scares the kids yeah but it's not about your personality it's your size like you are terrifyingly huge man i do like to yell at children though too yes that's true that's true but we're happy to have you uncle zach happy to be here one month feels like eternity to me

actually feels like it's been a little bit longer than that it does yeah i'm not sure if that's good or bad but we won't read into it too far i feel like fuck you guys is the correct response that's i meant that in a good way well i meant fuck you guys in a good way oh yeah all right nice i like a good fuck you fucked you know who doesn't i might have a hard time concentrating today i just want to be that so i had i had a really weird radio thing happen and i i mean i've had this happen a couple times but not quite like this and not quite as i guess digging back into the catalog as this would possibly be so if you're bouncing around on the social medias and maybe not in the same circles or following the same pages which would be like rock or you know metal or whatever but there's a little

little buzz going around about a band you may have heard of um creed and they so and this is as far as i know and i've read into it but creed update their profile picture okay they swapped it out and people are going reunion tour did you go check it it out? No, I just saw that people just kept on sharing that Creed had updated their profile picture. How exciting. You know?

And so that made me excited for weird reasons. I don't like, but I know that they're getting some like some meme love lately where people are talking about

when this song comes on and there's grown men crying in their car singing it. So they might be playing off of that and just, you know, having some some fun but if they do go out here and there maybe i'll go see them i don't know doesn't matter i was in my car driving over here to record today and i didn't have the radio on when i first got you know got going down on the radio on the radio Radio, downtown Coeur d'Alene. Beautiful. Only the hits.

So no radio was on, and I'm just in my car singing. I'm going, can you take me higher? As one does. As one does, and it's out loud, and I push Sirius XM Turbo, which if you don't know what Turbo is, it's the old rock hits. You're going to hear from Korn. Oh, Korn, yeah.

You'll hear Korn. You'll hear, it's me again. You'll hear the, you got Primus. You got all the things. You mean the bands that still make money? Yeah.

I mean, that's why Creed's coming back. Scott probably needs some. Definitely needs money. So I'm'm going can you take me higher and i push the it turns on and he goes to a place where black man see and it wasn't like perfectly on tempo but god damn it was close and i was, no fucking way. So this is you. Yeah, and then here's the radio. And you're like, what? And then.

And I know we fucked with that track, but it's been about 30 episodes before we brought that up. But it just blew my mind. It was, it was sometimes you're thinking of a song and you turn it on. It's like playing ah it was just it was right there serendipity baby i mean i was singing the first chorus this was the third so i mean you know it wasn't perfectly lined up but but it's something i felt like i had to share i love when that kind of thing happens we do a live podcast backstage with creed if they come to town uh i might go see him and check him out it's been i thought last time i saw him was in o2 and that was the last tour i think they did right it was like they kicked scott out and then probably got banned from spokane yeah he was so hammered

we were watching the show we're like dude what's up with like he was just he was gone and then he came out wasn't even saying the right words can you what the fuck I remember we were in the my friend we were like what is what is going on

and we were like okay that's it they gotta get rid of Scott we were having this conversation and then Alter Bridge started right and they rock

and they sure did they sure got rid of him Creed rocks too man fuck they come back I mean I'll consider it thanks to everybody who signed up. What if they come back?

What do you hope? I'm six feet from the edge and I'm... Remember when Bullets came out? No. On album three, they released Bullets as a single. I didn't follow. I didn't follow Creed. Oh, I did.

Yeah. And I remember when Bullets came out because it was like... It was a fucking metal track, you know? And my buddy and I were like, oh, dude, they're back. And they came back with a fury. And then track two was like, hate on me. Yeah.

Oh, they hate on me. That was a good album. I love kids and puppies. And I like pills and stuff. And I'm going to keep on taking them. Yeah. Scooter-do-do-do-do-do-do. Wham!

And then just an amazing riff, yeah. Yeah, right. You guys, you keep making fun of them. I'm not. They're laughing all the way to the bank. I'm in. I got it. I booked them one time.

They were great. Yeah? It was just Scott Stapp's band, but they played fucking awesome. Yeah. So props to him. So we're going. It's settled. Fine.

I think we should. Fine. If they come to Spokane, we'll go. I think we should. We're doing a big...ane, we'll go. I think we should. We're doing a big... We'll get Scott on the show. How about that? Right.

Guaranteed. Yeah, he would just squeeze him into the basement. And however Ezra onto... He's like, where is the studio? And we have Scott's staff, and then Ezra is just talking to Scott about sprinklers. About sprinklers. For an hour and a half. Yeah.

And we just let it go. Let it ride. This is my favorite box fan. That's my favorite box fan. Oh my God. No way. Yeah. Crazy man.

Scott's into some interesting shit. Yeah. Yeah. He is. I guarantee it. Listen. We can do this all day. Let's move on.

About Scott. I'm sure he's a great guy. I can't wait to meet him. I'm sure he's great. I don't hate him. I think you feel like I hate him. I don't hate him. No. I don't think you hate hate him i think you feel like i hate him i don't hate him no i don't think you hate him okay i feel like he hates him yeah i don't think you hate him there's just a hate for creed and nickelback those two bands that i just don't i don't get the hate for they're quite good but it's like kansas in the 90s like kansas killed it in the 80s and 70s

and people were like fuck the kansas and now they're cool again fuck them yeah you just gotta give me it's a cycle yeah it's a cycle. Yeah, it's stupid. We're dumb. Yeah, it's like fashion. We just talk shit about things we liked when we were kids until we like it again. That's true. On today's show, we do have a nice fucking sweaty hog. Yeah, we do.

We're doing a big thick dick today. And we got some good stuff to dive into. So we're going to be doing that. It's like a football player when they're wearing their pants and you can see the outline of their dick like when they're you know what i mean yeah i know i mean totally big old sweaty football it's the first thing i think about i remember the super bowl i think it was the cardinals versus the pittsburgh steelers yeah and i remember uh i, I think it was Larry Fitzgerald catches the ball. He's breaking down the side of the road, going for a touchdown.

And he's running, running, running. And he looks up. And in the big screen, he could see who was chasing him to see if he had enough room. And he ran. And I yell out loud, look at him looking at his dick. And everyone in the room, it was like, they just didn't get it. It was with a group of people that don't get that kind of thing. I'm like, look at him. Look at his dick and everyone everyone in the room it was like they just didn't get it was with a group of people that don't get that kind of thing i'm like look at him look at his dick he's like well

how's it look right now and they were just everyone's like well dude who invited this fucking guy and i was like i felt on an island when i said that i actually have a pretty funny deep cut story i might need some permission to talk about fitzgerald like someone close to the to the team. Not bad. Good stuff. It just shows how awesome he actually is off the field, too. Yeah, he's a good dude. But this particular situation, I'm going to need permission to talk about.

Oh. I want to say thanks to the gifts that are being sent into our P.O. box. Shout out to our daughter, Paula K. Made some custom winged, tipless gloves for Uncle Zach. I love them. So good. And thanks to our daughter, Jill. I put it on my dick.

Right. If those fit on your dick. For sure. Easy. There's no way. Wrap it around like six times. No way. All right.

Hold on. Thanks to our daughter, Jill, for the Father's Day card. Sorry. I know it's a bit late, but they've been sitting there and I just keep forgetting

to put them in the show. And then thanks to our son, Justin, who is from Kingrich. Kingrich. For the fresh ball lotion.gan or not logan that was a throwback can you get that on the when you were talking about your your chafing nuts yeah chafing nuts not anymore fresh body hygiene for groin area that sounds like something that was

translated foreign applies it yeah right stuff for down low groin dick balls lotion you're like all right i mean it's a dollar less i get those messages on on social like we'd like to work with you and the english is just like yeah that's this is a scam i did another i did another your mom thing i shared about the pizza thing and i did i did one more which i mean i i want to share this with everybody because we're all getting all these crazy like spam shit but i got one just today it said bella are your files ready i am waiting for the handover and i throw out your mom's a handover didn't get anything back but i encourage all of you it is so much fun that's not the only one

i've done it's like oh i missed your number i forgot to send you a pic last time where do you want it i was like ask your mom where she wants it and then that's it and you never have to hear from him again but you can also bait him there's also that side of it too but you can debate him yeah you could uh thanks everyone for sending in the gifts we love it if you want to send something into our physical po box you can find that in the episode description before we jump in and we have a did get a quick message okay not from the same justin but it's a follow-up on some failed camping talk ah from a couple weeks ago which i also have a an update too that kind of redeems me just a tad not all the way but it says hey stepdads stepdads the am i a step uncle yeah something when i was in high school a friend and i went

camping he told his brother to grab the trash bag out of the family storage building with the tent and sleeping bag in it and toss it in the back of the truck. He didn't check the bag, and we got to the campsite, well, well after dark, because we were dumb and fucking kids. Oof. Phrasing. Yeah.

When he opened the bag, it was full of his little sister's teddy bears. Obviously the wrong bag. We proceeded to drink the night away while burning teddy bears, because wood from the woods doesn't burn thanks your stepson justin he's burning teddy ruxpin furby it's like i don't shake it's like

watch the eyes and soul disappear you might imagine getting out there you're like all right fuck first of all you're fucking kids right like oh man you know what let's try to be responsible we'll set up tent first uh or set up camp first ten sleeping bags and then we'll start drinking so we don't it's not a problem you just do like all right no problem you rip it open and a bunch of teddy bears fly out but i guess we can make this work ah you start gluing them together yeah Yeah, you get some sticks, you build like a shelter with teddy bears. So funny. Imagine the next camper.

Oh, yeah. Where they're like, just the remains of burned teddy bears. Like, this probably wasn't a good party. You know what you have to do before you leave? You got to drive like a little pentagram around the fire pit. Just so they're like, is this Satan stuff? Imagine the people camping next to him like if you're having you're gutting all these teddy bears throwing the guts into the fire

and like building it yeah the plastic cotton burning plastic cotton like it's no way it's pure cotton it's just like plastic mixed with cotton type shit yeah now that smell all right well that was all are you ready to get going? Yeah. I don't know if I necessarily want to do this. Yeah. But it is fucking hot in here. I mean, my hands are sweating. At the day we're recording, at this time, it is 93 degrees outside, and it feels like 99 here in the studio.

That's fine. I'll write it out for both of us just for now. But I might have to join you. It's just my these leather gloves you know they're just they're the awesomeness

is just making my hands sweat. I mean that's part of being awesome. That's part of being awesome. I know. Zach! Do it! Hey! Shut up!

It's not the show already! What you got man? What you got? I appreciate you guys yelling at me. Oh, sorry. You want me to dial it back? Yeah, dial it back a little bit. We're going to upset a lot of people.

Okay, dial it up if you want. Okay. I'm lost. Yeah. People love us yelling at Zach. It's like, they're like, yeah, show's great. Whenever they abuse Zach, that's my favorite part of the show. That's how a lot of people have looked at my life in general. They're like, show's great whenever they abuse Zach. That's my favorite part of the show. That's how a lot of people have looked at my life in general.

They're like, I like it when they abuse Zach. We start physically abusing him? Yeah. Yeah. Every once in a while, he comes in, we give him a spanking. Yeah, well. I'll get here early if that's the case. Man.

I mean, I feel like I flirted with those lines a little bit. And if Z were to snap, we would both be dead in three seconds. And eaten. Yeah. Definitely. You guys look like gas station burritos to me. Fuck yeah, dude. were to snap we would both be dead oh yeah in three seconds and got probably and eaten yeah i definitely you guys look like gas station burritos to me yeah dude that's a big body to feed oh man all right i have had a rough couple weeks i'll eat both your asses whoa just our ass praising again all right i'm lost where the fuck are we? What are we doing? Doing the question. Oh, yeah. Oh, there it is. There we are.

Jesus. Okay. This is from Dylan. Hi, Dylan. There's a chance. What? Words. Yeah.

Okay. There's a chance you heard one like this about a snail. Right. But you wanted to. Oh, my God. All right. I got it. So there's a chance that you've heard one like this about a snail. Right. But he wanted to... Oh, my God. All right, I got it. So there's a chance that you've heard one like this about a snail. Did you write this? Just the fucking first two lines.

But we're going to punch it up a bit here on Can You Don't? Because the snail one, it's been floating around for a really long time. But here we go. You get $10 million right in your hand. Okay. But, however however there's a catch there's a silverback gorilla chasing you for the rest of your life and if it touches you you die a horrible death the gorilla cannot be killed it knows your location at all times and its only purpose is to find you. Are you taking the $10 million? I mean, I get the snail thing, but I've discussed this in the past,

and the snail is just too easy to get away from. And, I mean, you could go across the sea. Just go anywhere. And you got a while. There's no way the snail is making it. Like, I mean, even giving this snail enough brains to wait in a harbor and just like waits for these like the snail he works his ass to the east coast 17 years and he gets to the east coast and he's hanging out like in a port and he's at the

bottom of the ramp and he's the boat. He's like, okay, the boat gets here at 8 a.m. And it's not leaving or it gets here at 8 p.m. It's not leaving till 8 a.m. And then he still misses it trying to get up the boarding ramp. Goddamn. He's trying to make a break for it. He's like, he has 12 hours to make it up.

So now he's got to swim across the atlantic sure i mean even if he catches a boat like he gets off the boat it's gonna take him two days to get off that ramp like he might get kicked uh i mean he can't be killed he can't be killed he can get squished though i mean i get all that so the snail thing fine but i mean i would always take 10 million oh yeah over a fucking snail chasing me i would just lube up some stilts on my house and the snails never getting me he could get up the stilt though for a while after like two weeks yeah i'll just lube them up again i got 10 million dollars i have 1 million dollars is for lube and all i do is lube my stilts

you have a guy that just lubes i got a stilt luber yeah yeah that's his job yeah yeah that's a good job the same guy that cleans the pool right and the hot tub also lubes my stilts i mean he's multi-talented if you're making a million dollars a year that's not a bad gig well i'm not paying him a million dollars i just have a million dollars for the rest of my life to lube stilts well it's in the budget right it's in the budget yeah it's been accounted for yeah we just have like a fire but it doesn't i mean fucking he can make it through it but like the lube part he's not dying yeah so he just keeps slipping off that's fine with me have you science this do you know that a snail wouldn't be able to climb a lubed there's no way snoopers snooze

sloobs they just put snail and lube together fucking sloob how do you know i'll test it zach you want to chime in on this do you know anything about this that sounds that sounds like some pseudoscience i'm thinking okay i think i think joe's being very optimistic regardless it's a fucking snail so being can you don't and the mascot we haven't talked about in a bit what if it's a fucking silverback one of our favorites that is so scary i mean 10 million you can have you get to fly whenever you want and you just like time it out do you have like gorilla scouts can you just hunt the damn thing down no but you can't kill it oh but you can trap it you can trap it yeah okay jurassic park shit that's fine but i feel like that's kind of cheating yeah i feel like it's just there's no stopping it

it has you can't stop you can only hope to contain it kind of like michael jordan diesel yeah yeah yeah kind of like shag diesel right exactly do you want me to pass it no um yeah so I I mean that's terrifying because if it even if like it's somehow the snail makes it into the room yeah it's like oh fuck your snail be like oh okay fuck I got all day yeah but if a gorilla all of a sudden just like I think that's the thing I think here's the thing I think the clause has to be you don't get scouts you never know where it's at because like if you see if you have cameras set up and you see like oh shit the thing's a day out i need to move on again yeah i don't think you i don't think that's the case like you fly to australia and you do but you don't know how long it's gonna take to get there right and maybe you can start okay it took him

two weeks to get to australia that's about the distance from here to there. You have to figure it out that way. Because I think if you've got scouts so you've got a house in Russia and a house in Australia Hey, you get to see the world. That's pretty cool. You can see the whole world. And so can the gorilla. You're going to run out of money though.

You're going to run out of money pretty soon. $10 million is a lot of money, but if you spend the rest of your time traveling, your life traveling. You can do investments the whole time you have guerrilla investments i see that's how you start a company called guerrilla investments i feel like to rub it in his face yeah i feel like if i was gonna see like now we're developing this i feel like the clause should be you never know where he's at and you you only get 10 million dollars that's the money you get and you can't make it all you get you can't make any more you don't know where he's at now you're taking it no i think that no way so 10 million dollars and stupid with money yeah that's i don't know 10 million dollars and all you can do

is spend money to get away from the silverback gorilla so you could but you could have you could have a couple houses on each continent yeah and like a private jet well i wouldn't but if i only got 10 million i'm getting a private jet i'll just go to the airport you can get a private good luck for a silverback gorilla getting through tsa tsa he's got his own your pockets yeah if you're like going in the machine with putting his hands you're putting your bag on a fucking x-ray machine and behind you you fucking gorilla just pounced through the metal detectors i just i visualize the silverback like not going animal instincts like i i visualize him like going through the steps like a human does he has a fake it goes clip on tie on yeah he's just going kind of like his shoes off all frustrated exactly briefcase full of bananas it's it's just an like it's just an inconvenience for him

they have to check his thing and he opened it up and it's just he puts his you know he reluctantly puts his briefcase on the mill on the x-ray machine and the guy's like what the fuck he looks up he's like what the he sees on the x-ray machine. And the guy's like, what the fuck? He looks up. He's like, what the fuck? He sees it on the screen. Then he looks over to see who it belongs to. And it's a fucking silverback gorilla.

He's just tearing into the thing. And he's like, I'm nervous. Yeah. A very nervous silverback gorilla. And they do that power trip where he's like, I guess. And then rolls your bag through. Some countries don't. Can't you not bring fruit and stuff to. Mostly anywhere from country to country.

You can't just bring whatever you want. He can't bring bananas. He's just dumping out his bananas in a garbage can. People are dumping out water. You need to dump out your bananas. He's opening them up and shelling them out but keeping the keeping the appeal poor bastard i'm gonna refill this i'll refill this banana later uh okay anyway back to like real life oh that's not real i don't know i don't think i would take

the 10 mil silverback they're so scary i've've seen Congo. I know. Good luck sleeping. Amy, good gorilla. Yes. You're like, I'm so far away from that gorilla. And then you pat and you're like, am I? But am I? I think if you planned it out to where you stay somewhere for, God, even a week. But what life is that?

You know, I think Abraham Lincoln said. He said, what is a life spent running from a silverback gorilla? That sounds like a quote that he would have. I mean, him or someone else. Yeah, that was Thomas Jefferson. Yeah, that's right. Thomas Jefferson was like, what is a life if you spend it running from a silverback gorilla? And that just resonated with me and i

i don't want that the context though is the second half of that quote is about taxes oh yeah i think you're taking it out of context yeah i know you're right you're right um that was gorilla warfare oh gotcha see it says and you'll die a horrible death i think being caught by a silverback gorilla wraps that one up he's just ripping limbs off like the he'd peel you like a banana you know how many bananas i've lost in the airport he's taking out the frustration i'm sorry his job is already to kill you but not is his job just to kill you but like now you've made it a huge inconvenience so he's gonna take pleasure in it he just ties you up as a little chart and he's just he's like showing you all the bananas over the years he's lost chasing you from fucking island to island he's got a powerpoint presentation yeah one he flips it over two

it just goes on for years 6898 that would be uh be a torturous death. He doesn't feed you, but can I have one banana? It's like, yeah, if I fucking had one. You know who else would love a banana? Fucking me! Me! I'm not taking it. I'm not taking the 10 mil.

I think it depends on your life situation. If you're okay with your situation now, maybe you don't need to take that deal. But if you're in dire straits now maybe you don't need to take that deal but if you're in like dire straits and you're like you you need some cash yeah i could see someone and i mean kind of fun so i mean it's a little exciting i've always had this fantasy of having having sex no of like yeah with a silverback no no gorilla yeah trying to get focused but like the whole time like the fucking gorilla could be anywhere i so i have this fantasy of like you like i don't actually want to kill somebody and be on the run but i love the idea of having to survive like it'd be fun for a while like trying to dodge cops and try and try to hide out so the idea of that kind of sounds fun i get it but i don't

i think i'd rather be arrested than found by a gorilla. Yeah, I think so. I think you're right. Again, I want to keep... I want to have a life, and I'll do stuff, and I just don't want to worry about a fucking gorilla chasing me, so... $10 million is a lot of money, though. I know.

I know it is. I'm still not doing it. But it's not worth it. It's not worth the stress. Nope. I'm right there with you. Not with inflation these days. Right. $10 million isn't what it used to be that's like having six bucks yeah you know

what i mean that's another thomas jefferson quote right can you imagine he's like what the fuck like reading through all these like awesome quotes and thomas jefferson's like say fucking 10 millions worth six bucks what that's all that's on the page? Thomas Jefferson's like, I'm not gay, but 20 bucks is 20 bucks. 20 bucks. And the silverback gorilla's not worth dying for. And the same quote. Like, what the fuck is going on? It's like Thomas Jefferson's five keys to life.

His little workshop. TJ's workshop. That radio, it's like, you always hear that thing like rich dad oh yeah with the book and come out to his his thing to learn how to be better yeah but it's thomas jefferson he like those that's the advice he gives all right so fuck the money we want to keep living our life you had a crazy experience yeah and we're gonna talk about it right now as soon as zach plays the thing hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about thank you for being so kind i appreciate that i'm starting to pit i know me too oh damn just a little bit give what we're

talking about this actually kind of fucking perfect music. Do you like boating and wave running? Do I? Yeah. Yeah. I got fucking sea legs. Yeah. Everyone's like, what?

I don't think you do. I think you get seasick, don't you? No. I guess I did a fair amount of boating over the holiday weekend. Motor boating? Yeah. Get over to go down. Yeah.

And I got off the boat and I felt like I was still on the boat but anyway yeah i do i like it so we were at my sister's house and she just got a new wave runner so we're all excited we're back there for the weekend zipping around the lake doing all the fun stuff zero to 70 in zero seconds yeah it's so fast so fast love it but we didn't do that oh god i'm sorry i'm squeaking so uh sorry about all squeaking um i uh what was i saying okay so i i grew up in most like shallow shitty dirty mossy people weedy lake yes i thought you smelled i'm not even talking about the lake uh anyway so it's just a it's a it's a big lake but it's shallow and it's it's mossy and kind of dirty and puddle like you some people break out in rashes and everything it's just not sounds like a great place oh it's fantastic so more people don't live there dude it's a lot of people live

there oh yeah yeah i bet let's take a little quality of life index i'll look it up yeah anyway so uh we're so we're riding we're wave running we're doing you know we're blade running we're wave running yeah we're out there in the lake and the the kids are riding we're doing and then so we get back to the dock and the kids are like oh we're done and i was like i might go uh for one more spin and my wife amber she's like i'll go with you i'm like oh sweet well uh no you won't yeah see ya bitch yeah just slow motion flipping her off you're pointing at her and just fucking i think it's you got this cranked on this oh yeah fuck yeah dude this is this is jet ski wave runner yes it is that's what that is all right go ahead sorry

uh so and i'm like oh yeah fine that's fine let's let's rip around so i was like you can even drive and so the kids are heading up like oh sweet just get a break from the kids a little bit go right around maybe she dick touched well yeah okay so we're we get on the back of it or i get on back behind her and we start going and you know it's kind of chalked we're going over the waves and first of all yeah like i'm wearing swim trunks so i've got no support so i'm like up again i'm right up against and then we're hitting these things and my wiener's just rubbing up against her back and i'm like son of a i'm like sorry just poking just poking you know this isn't this isn't having anything to do a story but this is an add-on it's an added bonus yeah an added boner wink you get it so we're ripping around the lake a little bit and i'm like hey let's go let's go there's this

fountain that's around anybody that knows most like knows what the fountain is so there's there's a couple people there's a couple people that i feel stupid saying this but like everyone knows yeah like everyone knows where this thing is it's where the smell comes from i guess well amber amber my bad sorry yeah your wife she's like i know i'm i totally give her that Everybody else that ever has listened to the show Is like No No No

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No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No move the fuck away from there so you're not hurting my feelings so there's a big fountain and it just runs in the lake and so people drive their boats underneath it and they ski underneath it and stuff so i was like hey let's go see if the fountain's on so she heads down that direction it's on so we're whipping around it's got a big mist and you're like yeah this is fun

and we're like all right let's head back so we start heading back and like i said the lake is really shallow and so certain parts where there's just seaweed like up to the surface and we're going through there and it's i think the weight limit i don't remember what the weight limit is but we were at capacity for both of us so the back's sinking down a little bit all of a sudden we're going and it's just like, it starts bogging down. We're like, oh shit. And we look around and there's just seaweed everywhere and lake weed, whatever the fuck. And she's giving it gas and it's going and not going anywhere. Like, oh fuck. So I try, I'm like, oh shit, we need to kill this engine.

We're right in the middle of the lake, like mile away from where we're at. And so I'm like, we just, we kill it. And we come to a stop and we're just sitting in the middle of the lake like, what the fuck are we going to do? Because, so what happened is the weed got clogged up in the thing. And so we're basically at a stop and we're like, oh shit, we're fucking stuck. What are we going to do? Learn to swim. Learn to swim.

Yeah, learn to swim. Learn to swim. I'm glad, well, so I'm glad we decided to wear life jackets. Fierce leather gloves. Yeah, yeah, obviously. Because it wasn't a problem. They're buoyant. So we decide to jump off and start swimming back and have to tow this fucking thing back.

So we jump in the water and we're looking at each other like, here we go. And the currents come in, obviously, the opposite direction. So we're swimming. I mean like, here we go. And the current's coming, obviously the opposite direction. So we're swimming. I mean, this is probably like five minutes. We're swimming and swimming and swimming and I look over and there's a boat that's like, it's parked. And we have not fucking moved in five minutes.

And so we're looking at each other like we're either going to be out here all night, because we, cell phones don't, we don't have a cell phone. We're a mile away from the fucking thing, middle of the lake, no traffic. I'm like, what are either going to be out here all night, because cell phones don't, we don't have a cell phone. We're a mile away from the fucking thing, middle of the lake, no traffic. Like, what are we going to do? So, we try to swim. All of a sudden, we see, like, three Dretskis, and I start waving them, and they reluctantly.

They wave back? Yeah, at first, they were just like, yeah. And I was like, I had to do, like, the stiff arm. The big one. Yeah, yeah. and i was like i had to do like the stiff arm like yeah yeah and the first guy like turns around and he says something to the people and then they come over like oh sweet they're coming over and but the person in me is like i feel bad they're out hitting jumps like having a good time it's the best day of my life god now i have to ask them to tow us back so they get over i ask

them to tow and they don't own the jet skis so they they don't they can't answer us like do we do we have ropes i don't know if i can know so everyone's searching for and one of the guys ends up getting a rope we tie the thing off the carabiner fucking snaps in half so it's it's one like they're not gonna be able to help us and what i wanted to do was grab either side and have them like tow us back like i grab them but they wouldn't do that which probably was a good idea so there they they had this it's this awkward moment where bye yeah they're like we're like thanks thanks for trying they're like oh sorry and it's it's such a weird feeling when you try to help someone you can't help them and then

you're like sorry and then so they get on thing and they just start hitting jumps out of there and we're like here we go so we start sorry we try see you in heaven that's what it was like they come back and start spraying you like whipping it well they did have to come back because they were there it's the end of the lake and then had to go back the other way so they so they look over at him i just kind of give him like an awkward way like hey and then so another we're we're we're finally getting some momentum we're moving down the lake a little bit a boat comes up same thing we we asked but they don't have a rope and it was like they're all partying they're all

drinking like oh look at you have some trouble there yeah it sucks and the whole thing like they didn't have anything to tell us with too so we're like yeah thanks for trying so they they drive off too and finally this dad and kid come up on a jet ski and they roll up they're you know is everything okay and they didn't speak any english well they didn't say is everything okay they started saying and i'm like yeah we're i'm trying to like gesture like swim can't or like can't go engine broke if leave might drown and they're just like no like i don't understand so I was just like, I have half boner from rubbing dick on wife's back. Still not buoyant enough.

Won't go away. Shake weight. Como se dice. If I could get the helicopter going, we could. It wasn't Spanish or else i could have gotten through it um so i finally i'm like i'm like we like there we got to get this there and the and the guy's like oh okay okay so i was like do you have a rope and so it's like we're already frustrated now no english so i'm like rope toe and the guy's like no and i'm I'm like, okay. I was like, my hand, I point at the edge, I grab and then go.

So the guy's like, oh, okay. So I grab onto the edge and he fucking, and not just like, he fucking guns it. And my hand just goes, like it almost took my arm off. And I'm like, ah! And he comes back. He's like, oh, sidey, sidey. And like, we're going to try it again ah and he comes back he's like oh sorry and uh like we're gonna try it again so he circles back around and then he stops again and he and he tries to go slower this time and it

takes off but it's fucking it's lake water and it's a fucking wave runner right off or a ski do whatever and i can't there's nothing it's i was grabbing on to like the where you put your feet like that there's nothing to grab onto. So that happens. And then so he comes back around again and the kid that was on the back was like, he's pointed his hand and he pointed my hand. He's like, grab my hand. I'm like, oh, okay.

Yeah, we'll try that. So I reached out and grabbed this kid. The kid's probably like 12, 13. I grab onto it. The guy guns it. And I was holding on his kid's hand and I ripped the kid off of the the wave runner yes so he flies off the back of the wave runner and now he's in the lake

right in the middle and then now you hold him hostage i held my helicam to his head you get your switchblade out yeah you get like what is happening now give me your chesty or i will kill your son i'm like going gesturing like i will kill him you give me yours i'll be sorry you do like the cry thing but i will still do it get off your jet ski so anyway I don't want to it will make me sad I'm not a bad guy I'm not a bad guy

okay so anyway survival of this guy so the guy now the dad has to swing back around again and we got to get the kid up on the jet ski and then without not with having a language barrier it was like once again it's like sorry i can't help you and then it's like oh thank you for trying and then so they're like you know bye they drive off they take off they look back and you're doing the sad eyes i guess we'll just die then with one hand you do this and you just go hope you can sleep at night and then cry hands

how'd you make it back we swam died we swam we swam and pulled the jet ski like three quarters of a mile and then the family they weren't even down at the dock they were up on the thing sitting there like drinking seltzers and stuff and hanging out eating without you they didn't there's no food left they didn't know like we didn't we couldn't call them we gave up yeah well there was in between that there was a young couple like a high school couple girl and guy they came they come by and they're just whipping hair blowing the wind they drive by and they're kind of looking at us and i was looking at them like i'm sick of asking people but so i was just kind of like i'm not saying anything amber's like wait now i'm like no they're not gonna help they're just fucking kids i'm thinking no kids

they're not gonna help they end up swinging back around like oh now i feel like a jackass you know so they come over and they're like you guys you guys need some help and we're like hi we're wizards we're like at this point we're just gonna swim back don't bother like whatever now you're sure i'm like it's like yeah listen we don't want you to let us down at this point like i just want to i just want to get this i just want to swim this thing out so and then they're like okay so they're like sorry and then they start driving off yeah but i was like then i was like oh wait hang on because i was gonna have him go will you just drive down to the house on the corner and tell them that yeah what's going on so they know i was wondering why you didn't

see that from the fucking start your family already called up to search party like an hour in so they but they didn't hear me i was like i finally did and i was like i was like fine i'm just gonna do this and then they didn't hear me because they got too far away so they're just i'm like fuck me dude so it took us an hour and a half to swim and pull a fucking wave runner back to the dock. What a disaster. But did you have fun before it broke? Well, sort of. We were only right for five minutes. We just got started.

But I didn't have any sunblock on because I didn't think I was going to go zip around for five, ten minutes and head back to the house. So instead I'm swimming into the sun and my face is peeling now and everything. I just got so fried. My shoulders and face. It reminds me of your columbia river rafts story yeah which you shared before if you haven't heard it just go i don't even know what episode it is but god damn what a another

survival adventure so good and this one i wasn't worried about dying the other one i thought we might die yeah this one was just like pain in the ass yeah i was like are you fucking kidding oh and i'll make it eventually. I won't go into all this, but during that, we tipped the thing three times. Oh, yeah. Like when people tried to help us, she would lean over and then I would lean over to grab it and we didn't offset the weight and we dumped it. And so then the people are there like trying to help us out and they have to wait for us

to climb back up on this fucking wave runner. Anyway. Good times. and they have to wait for us to climb back up on this fucking wave runner anyway good time so that was my fourth of july weekend i mean god bless america yeah am i right god bless moses lake yep i've never been we i mean never been like truly and uh never touched the water before and yeah i just enveloped in the culture of moses lake and i think i i want to do it with you yeah i don't know will you take me i try to avoid it at all costs yeah well now i want it so fucking show me the way guess what city doesn't like can you don't anymore moses lake moses lake fuck him fuck him fuck him all right we gotta get into that we gotta get into that big fucking hog

the big ol sweaty hog you ready we got some good stuff to get into alright let's roll it is it dumb is it interesting is it cool then it's dick sorry

sorry I had to what'd you do I had to look at my phone my phone's on the floor so this was sent in last second actually before recording the show and my god this this whole situation is really funny i've never heard of this happening of course being human you know that this could happen and i'm not going to read the article i'm just going to push play but the headline reads armed robber allegedly asked victim to add him on facebook dm sir saying damn you was

too pretty to rob wow it's like dude girl yeah here we go try to rob me for my money or my things, but he really took my sense of safety in my own house. An Indianapolis woman is robbed at gunpoint while getting her mail, but the story doesn't end there. The suspect in this case followed up with her in a very unusual way. It's a story you'll only see on WRTV. Adam Shum spoke to the victim who shares a warning for other women can i i'm just gonna give a little pause here and i i mean i got plenty to say about news reporting yeah i've what is with the credit thing like i i mean i get where it's like a story you will only hear i'm not gonna get this on the other station on w no fucking shits like don't w don't fucking care like what is that

such a weird flex just tell me what happened well well no one else is going to tell you except for us on wftp fuck off like just a weird flex you're a news station don't go to that news station we get the goods yeah they suck they didn't even talk to this chick who fucking got robbed and facebook messaged all right they don't care yeah i think that especially as a young female it's something that you always think about but you never think that it's going to happen to you for amber braun it's still hard to wrap her mind around what happened late last month i had a man come up to me and try to rob me at gunpoint after I had got off work late one night. He took it out of his pocket and showed me. He's like, to show me this is what's going on.

What do you think about that? Let me into your house. I did not do that. He really did try to rob me for my money or my things, but he really took my sense of safety in my own house. This isn't where the story ends. Boyce got the money, but that's not all he appeared to be after. Court documents state Boyce then pointed his gun at her and told her to add him on Facebook. And I thought maybe if I added him on Facebook, that would be it and he'd leave and he did.

Court documents show after that friend request, he left. Except! But that's not where their exchange ends. Instead, the DMs started flowing. Court documents show Facebook messages between Boyce, Santa Baran, where he said he's going to pay her back. I'm going to pay you back. She was too pretty to rob. But then he continued to message me on facebook the next day he then made his move asking her

to come chill i just can't understand the thought process of somebody who would materials those replaceable but your life is not anyway so that's the gist can you imagine like he doesn't realize how bad he what he did was i think he knows how reality works at all yeah like zero percent hey i know you ain't busy because i got your mail right it says here like i got your bank statements yeah you ain't doing shit because i got your100. The only place you should be going is to work, because you got 50 bucks. Because you got 50 bucks in your savings and 25 in your checking. If you come over, I will buy you Pizza Hut. Yeah.

With the money. With the money I stole. With your money. I'll treat you to some pizza. I'll treat you to some pizza. You is too pretty, Rob. God damn, that's funny. That's all sense of reality it's just

what the fuck and is it weird that i kind of see that like with whatever world we live in right now there's also that situation's probably worked out where he's like i'm so sorry and then the girl was like it was like i, he is kind of cute. And I like bad boys. Like that mug shot of that one guy? Yeah, they still got married. Everything worked out for the best. Honestly, I could see where somebody's just desperate for money,

where you're pointing a gun at someone and you're like, I'm so sorry. I'm not this type of person. I could see a situation where that happens, where I don't want to do this. This isn't personal. I just so I'm not this type of person I could see a situation where that happens Where I don't want to do this This isn't personal I just need money And then like I legitimately Will pay you back

But like asking on a date That's another level but I could see Yeah Just creeping her profile pics He's liking her pictures He's like damn What do you think is going to happen, Royce? You're fucked.

You're fucked. Starts getting policeman friend requests. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Exactly. Because I get invited to like different events. And it's just like police hangout. Police gala.

Come on over, bud. Fundraiser for local police. Accept invite. I won't hurt you. come on over bud the fundraiser for local police except invite i won't hurt you i won't hurt you come here it's not that bad darling i miss that bird it's a fucking great bird anyway i mean that was it that's all i got for that yeah i don't even know really what's that's just like i mean it's great it's just the fucking balls what a world i mean that yeah and influences the people do anything for followers so just to imagine in any situation like i don't know it's got a car accident you're fucking like the emt

save you and you wake up like you might fucking follow my instagram yeah like you have to be just that's just so top of mind like i don I don't want to do this, but fucking follow me. I had a, I had a skit. I'm trying to get verified. I had a skit one time where I wanted, I have never done it, but I always wanted to do it where you're like, because people update what they're doing at all times. So I just had this thing where this guy gets in like this horrific car accident, falls down, he's like trapped in his car upside down.

And the shots, like him reaching for his phone and it's like his hands all bloody and you think oh he's just trying to get this phone to call paramedics yeah and he picks up his phone he like opens up the twitter app and he's like oh fuck just gotten like a bad or accident you know like yeah he's like looking for hashtags he's like doing duck lips this is glass like glass stuck in his mouth. He's like, I'm doing it. Ow, ow. He's using a filter.

What emoji should I use for this situation? Ouch, like little headache emoji, like ooh. Never thought this would happen to me. The head explosion. Mind blown. He's like, doing a kiss. Or he opens it, he's like fucking drags it there and it's like, he's like, shit, two Tinder messages.

Fucking open hinge. He's like, i mean who's talking to anybody that's gets sidetracked on a phone where you just you go to check the weather and then you check the weather and all of a sudden you're like on you're in some weird app like flipping through all this you're like oh that's right and then you put it away you're like i didn't check the weather you open up the the call 911. You're like, fuck. I mean, is the whole week this beautiful? News headlines. You're like commenting on news headlines. Today's hottest shit. Is tomorrow better?

Are you fucking serious that really happened? You're commenting. Group text. You're not going to guess what happened, lol. Anyway, I can't go boating today. I can send a picture of you glass all over your face. All your buddies are like, dude, put a fucking pussy Oh man

You better be here Suck it up, dude Okay, let's move on Let's slide down this fucking thick ass hog What you got for us this week, Brad Gray? What do I have? Yeah, do it Pick the thing

I want to do this one Okay This guy Here's the headline Okay Florida police officers Are accused of Jailing their young son

Over potty training accidents Alright I think okay That sounds like a fair response Yeah I like that Florida police officers Accused of twice

Putting their Three and a half year old son In a jail cell To punish him For potty training accidents Remain on the job While an investigation continues okay nearly nine months later the daytona beach sheriff is the is talking about the most regular

fuck the city's track to always be an open and transparent however do the court that was we are unable to comment at this time this is fucking bunch of fluff anyway we're not i'm not gonna read the article so basically what happened was you don't say fucking fluff it's just a bunch of news people plugging their fucking what's that like when you met oh my god when you mess up reading from now on you say fuck shit

and then you just keep going so this just sent coming in fuck shit you're so stupid fucking idiot idiot

you're always fucking up and they're still on the job as of fuck god damn it you've been And they're still on the job as of... Fuck! God damn it! You've been practicing! Use your words!

Move your mouth! We talked about this! Lips! Lips! Mouth! Flippity floppity! Tongue! Tongue! Anyway, so they're still on the job. So it sounds like they were trying to teach a lesson. Yeah, so they jail still in the jail. So it sounds like they were trying to teach a lesson. Yeah, so they jailed their son twice. They were interviewed by a state child abuse investigator who was escorted to their home by the sheriff whose body camera recorded a conversation.

The video was sent to the media. Basically, during the hour-long video, the child's mother said that she didn't believe they did anything wrong wrong Adding that it's Just people getting it twisted She also called the investigation The definition of insanity So like We told them not to drop the soap

I mean we warned them Right What Yeah Listen son Did it say how old the kid was? He's three and a half Okay

So basically what happened Was they explained That their daycare Center requires That children stop using diapers by age three. Or? But the boy was still having accidents. So while the school was being lenient, they were trying to do everything possible to get him potty trained.

So instead they just fucking jailed him because... You pissed in the fucking toilet, you stupid fucking idiot! Zach, what were you saying? Corporal punishment. That's a good way to do things for kids. That's how they learn. And being a i get it i get the correlation i was frustrated uh i mean ezra autistic and it took him way longer like he's all all figured out now but god damn it was so frustrating and i remember posting a picture of me helping me in the yard

building something and he was like using the the damper to smash down some gravel and he's wearing a diaper and he's like five years old and someone's like why is your five-year-old still wearing a diaper it's like yo oh fuck like i forgot yeah where i'm like oh shit he is oh my god you're right man i should get him out of those things just wait right there i'm gonna come to your house and i'll show you why yeah hear about hey what's i'll say my address can you come over and show me how to get him out of those things. Just wait right there. I'm going to come to your house and I'll show you why. Yeah. Hear about, Hey, what's I'll say my address. Can you come over and show me how to get him out of his diapers?

Like we had been trying. They just, we just gave up. Yeah. Um, no, but I get that. And the frustration behind all of that.

And I can see the parents doing like the, listen, if you guys keep fighting, I'm going to have to call the police. You know, that little line. And then this guy just happened to be a cop. And he,

the kid pisses his pants. And he's like, get in the fucking cruiser. He's like, can I get in front? Get in the back. Get in the back. And handcuffs him. In a car seat. He handcuffed in a car seat.

With a pants full of piss. What could go wrong? Have you heard of trauma? Yeah, right. I just, yeah, like, the idea of like, it kind of is like when you have a little kid, it kind of is like you're a police officer. You force them into the back of the car. You buckle them in.

You drive them. Then you're the one that has to let them out. So it kind of is that way. You got to protect them. And if you hit them, like, then you get in trouble for it. It's a whole, I mean, everyone's a fucking police. But you can't OC them in the face when they get out of hand, though. I don't know.

I mean, I guess you could. Yeah, I mean, it depends. You live in the mountains. You don't have to deal with some shit like that. Well, I mean, it reminds me of a story that I have read where officers did the same thing for a kid that was stealing a candy bar. So he got caught stealing a candy bar, and that parent got the cops involved. Like, being funny, like trying to teach the kid a lesson. And the cops showed up and arrested this kid over stealing a candy bar, drove him back

and made him give the candy bar back. Now this will happen for real if you... Yeah. If the next time you steal, steal something good. Yeah. Yeah. Bread. Bread.

TV's. TV's. Oh. Quit stealing fucking Almond Joyce. Mm-hmm. No, I mean, just get those Reese's Pieces. Mm-hmm. No one likes Almond Joyce.

That's what this is all about. Coconut has a very low resale value on the black market. Yeah, it really does. I mean, I was just checking those prices yesterday. I'm sure you were checking them today. Yeah, I mean, I'd look at it every day. Yeah. A couple times a day.

Fucking coconut black market prices. That's your fascination? So this guy. Your wife's like, Brian but you have to pay attention to the kids honey you know i have to check the coconut prices on the black market you know this is my busy time of the year i know but you're missing your kids they're piano recital it's like yeah i'm sure it's shit right now coconut prices are fucking awesome you know i got burned on bitcoin i'm fucking all in now i'm all in on coconuts you think i'm nuts wait till we're millionaires oh man so i get the angle fucking insane though yeah the trauma you're you're causing by shaming

your kid that far well listen to this guy he says we've tried books we've tried to run around with pants uh no pants you you name it we've tried it. We've tried to run around with pants, no pants. You name it, we've tried it. And then he says, I said, you know what I do for a living? The father explained, I said, I'm a cop. I take bad boys to jail. They don't follow the law. So that's what I did. I said, you know, you aren't following the rules.

Let's go to jail. The father said the sale was nasty. So he checked it out for contraband for putting his son inside. He told investigators the boy was behind bars for putting his son inside he told the investigators the boy was behind bars for 13 minutes and he had eyes on him not the entire time the kid made a shank in 12 minutes it got on your stab his dad in the thigh he was the kid was crying the father said i was getting the response i expected from him oh my god the tactic worked the child made good on his promise not to have any more accidents, the father told investigators.

Yeah, I'm sure. And apparently he did this before with his older son, about nine years ago. When the child admitted hitting a girl in preschool, he said he told his son that in his job he puts people in jail when they hit others. Took him to jail and he sat there. Sat there. And watched him. And watched him not hit and he sat there sat there and watched him i watched him not hit any girls yeah he's crying and everything he's crying and everything just like i wanted him to he's in a prison gang now but you know things are fine right yeah no he's grew up he got a lot

of fucking angst and fucking hates you but at least he wasn't peeing his pants right dad um let's move on let's do one more little quick story here this just maybe made me laugh but the headline says united airline ceo apologizes for a quote insensitive decision to fly private as airline was canceling flights oops not even oops i mean i i'm fucking flying private if i'm my fucking my company's planes all get fucking canceled and i'm like i got places to be fucking flying private so united airline ceo scott kirby apologized for flying private the same week the airline canceled thousands of flights leaving customers stranded across the united states and he said taking a

private jet was the wrong decision because it was insensitive to our customers who were waiting to get home, Kirby said in a statement shared by NBC News by the airline. I sincerely apologize to our customers and our team members to have been working around the clock for several days,

often through severe weather, to take care of our customers. Kirby took the private jet from Teterboro, New Jersey to Denver New Jersey's, New Jersey to Denver. The same day, United Airlines canceled 750 flights. United has canceled almost 3000 flights this week.

Most of them at the Newark Liberty International Airport. I promise to better demonstrate my respect for the dedication of our team members and loyalty of our customers. Kirby said, he got fucking caught. That's all it is. That is it. Every apology like that is just, shit, I got caught.

I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you nasty kids. Exactly. Fucking Scooby got him. You know? Like, wow! I'm not rich. Far from it. But why have all this money if you can't get yourself out of some jams

like this that's true i mean you could have the can you imagine knowing look you're kirby ceo kirby guy kirby whatever his name was scott kirby and the plane you want to get on i'm assuming first class got canceled and you're just like staring out the window at a private jet you can get on. And you're like, that'd be insensitive. But I got that shit in my wallet. I don't even matter. He looks out there. It's his plane.

It has his face on the wing. It just says Kirby Airlines. I probably should. And he's like, oh, man. I just want to make our team members and customers feel bad guess i'll sit in this comfortable airport chair isn't that kind of like the french prime minister macron when he was talking about he's talking to an audience of press people okay and he's got a eighty thousand dollar watch on and they're talking

about like pension cuts and shit and he took the watch off underneath the desk and he's like yeah this is probably going to look bad he's like yikes he's just down there we understand he's like trying to put I understand the plight of the common man put your kids to college

he can't, oh god he's like a politician or a president I don't care, he's coming in to make like an address and he gets carried in like on a gold chair and pops down and he's like thank you you know thank you thank you and he's like listen i'm struggling as much as everyone else i'm one of you all of our wallets are getting a little tight these days and he's like you know whatever the questions questions like sorry and he turns around they just pick him back up and put him in his gold

chair well he says that it zooms out and there's a guy with a big feather he's like hey listen i've got the whole time his hair is like whipping but in a wave motion yeah like what the fuck is that it's waving in front what the fuck is that it zooms others it's waving in front what the fuck is that it's fairness oh listen listen oh is this the economy's hitting me just as hard as i'm doing i'm doing everything i can i promise me any so you know god bless america i think it gets on a gold scooter theespa, wheelies out of the conference room. Throws the peace sign up. Throws the peace sign.

Everyone's like, what the shit? There goes a man of the people. I mean, even tinier things, like he has a gold microphone. Right. Small, subtle things. Subtle things. Diamond earrings. Like, yeah, I bet you are yeah i bet you are but you are struggling buddy um all right well i think that that's all the time we have for some

for some fat that's all the time we have all the time we have uh let's take a look at some good news this is actually some pretty fasting stuff hey zacky so you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed. Yeah! So not your typical good news article this week, but we do jump over to the science world, and this just fucking blew my mind. It says, World's first tooth regrowth medicine moves towards clinical trials in Japan. Mm.

The fact, I mean, mean sure we're still waiting on flying cars but the fact that there's medicine that could be available uh or like there are more trials that are going to start in july of 2024 and they're saying by 2030 you can take medicine to regrow your teeth meth users rejoice that's i mean this is a reason to use meth i mean i was it's like meth not even once i'm like i needed a reason if i needed yeah it was like oh i might lose my family we've already done that without meth um come on tough crowd are these like full-size teeth are these like baby teeth just little baby teeth and you're still proud of them because you didn't have any

and you're like check these chompers out fucking white though god dang it you got those tiny shark teeth it's a grown-ass man but you're but you've never had them so like you're proud and you're smiling and you just have tiny little baby teeth all gums baby yeah i mean sure it's gonna be a learning curve on the tooth growing they're all different sizes they're all molars oh my god molars in the front what was in the front fucking front teeth in the back you know it's gotta be a t-shirt for that yeah but anyway that's that's really all i just blew my mind that i mean it's medicine modern medicine but all side effects aside what are the side effects of teeth growing because don't grow in the right spot gets them in your ear you take them and just

like fucking couple teeth growing out your nose fuck yeah i i mean like one tooth but it's fucking eight inches it's like a like a saber yeah he oh fuck yeah dude just one saber tooth it's on the left side you know big old dangler in there yeah yeah just sharpening up pausing that guy up at fucking golden corral yeah oh they golden corral fears fears you with your saber tooth. Yeah, tooth. Get that bourbon chicken. Not saber teeth. Tooth.

Saber tooth? No, just one. Well, saber tooth tiger. Shouldn't it be a saber teeth tiger? It should be. You're right. I think that's a... Chalk it up as another fucking misfire for the human race.

It's like Bigfoot should be Bigfeet, damn it. Yeah, he doesn't have one. I feel like that's something you've talked about. Is it? Yeah. Bigfoot? Scatcast! With a K, not a C.

You don't want to see what the C is. Oh, I was just about to say that. That's not good. You guys need to buy that domain, too. Yeah, we probably should. S-K. S-K-A-T. I think they make a lot of money on the old S-C.

There's a lot of poop fans What was it? CanYouDon't.com If you don't go CanYouDon't Podcast, it just links you to an Asian porn site Remember that? Fuck yeah You gotta get them all in the general vicinity Like you gotta do like Scatcast sucks

Because someone will type it in and you want to have it Agreed Scatcast Dilemma, tragedy Yeah, that was it, T stuff type it in and you want to have it agreed scat crest and it would be right dilemma tragedy um yeah that was it t stuff zach blows goats.com yeah.net gov you got to get them all my mom bought that one i don't know why type it in zach it just has like your blows your like grades from high school and you're like god nope site can't be reached damn it mom might want to snag that one you got it i'm on it all right let's take a look at something you found on the internet this week.

Let me get back to the screen. Okay. All right, Zach, when you're ready. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found

as a couple as a couple together as a couple so what i found is this thing called it's it's jolly roger telephone.com nice is the website yeah and basically what it is it's it's a piece of software like you you can sign up you get two dollars for two dollars a month you basically it's powered by a uh aig chat gdp all that kind of shit right like you can you can have this thing go when a telemarketer calls and it will start a conversation and i forgot to plug in my volume. Hang on. God damn it. That is a, I mean. That's a funny concept. I mean, it ties, it's way more intricate than just writing back, your mom's a handover.

Yes. But, I mean. We'll see. It goes into like. I'm curious to learn more. Because it's, you know, it's generated by AI. So it's just like, you don't know what it's going to say. Where's it going to go?

Oh, crank that up. Crank it up, man. What'd it say? Yeah. Okay. Do you want to turn me on? Let me start over. Okay. Okay. Turn me on. Do you have a remote control in your handy?

Yeah. Okay. So the girls, the AI. That's so interesting. Speaking of TV, did you know I just won a local talent show? It's so much fun. What's your favorite talent show on TV? Maybe we can chat about that while you tell me more about this cable box upgrade.

I watch American premier movie channels only. That's so exciting. You know, I just won a local talent show, and I've been looking for ways to celebrate. Can you tell me more about these TV services? Maybe I can have a big viewing party with my friends. Like, ma'am, the thing is that I'm calling you from the TV services that you are using as your place. You know, I just got a promotion at work and I'm super excited about it. I've been thinking about upgrading my TV setup to celebrate.

Can you tell me more about these new fiber optic cables and how they'll improve my TV experience? I'd love to hear all the details. Okay, ma'am. First of all, we have to check the compatibility of your boxes, like the boxes that you have at your place. Like if they are good in condition. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. First of all, we will check the compatibility and let you know the condition of your boxes. Like if your boxes are need to be replaced, we will provide you a tent at your place. But if your boxes are just need to be updated, we will update your boxes right now with our online system and no one will bother you at your doorstep. And after the update of your TV services, you will see by your side that the sound quality and the picture quality was much better than before. Any little gap. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. Okay. Like ma'am, do you see an info button in the middle of your remote control? Yeah. Okay, you just have to press and hold it for five to ten seconds. Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Speaking of TV, I just won a local talent show and i'm gonna be on tv soon can you believe it i'm so excited do you think the new fiber optic cable okay okay okay my performance look even better on tv no like the part in there where she was talking about celebrating for getting a promotion at work Mm-hmm, and she's like the way she's gonna celebrate was upgrading your package Can you imagine like fucking? Swimming the Super Bowl

What are you gonna do? Finally upgrade my TV package What? I'll be thinking about adding stars. Stars. I mean, I just watched and scrambled boobs for 40 years. Now I think I'm going to see some normal boobs. I'm going to get some HBO. Oh, that is great. My own account.

So what was that? Was Jolly Roger Telephone? Yeah. JollyRogerTelephone.com. God, that is great. That was funny. It's like two bucks a month. So, you know, 24 bucks for a year.

And they have some more examples on there if you want to go check that out and just listen to some more. I love these. Yep. Yep. Just a huge okay. Yep. Cut them off with the yeps. All right.

We have some good, we have a, well, you know, whatever. We always do. From our kids this week. So, let's hear from them. Okay. You ready? Okay, Zach, we're fucking. Thank you, God. we have a well you know whatever we always do from our kids this week so let's hear from them okay you ready okay Zach we're fucking all right

let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool dude I'm struggling over here at the heat

I can smell myself you guys smell pretty ripe in there what you have a little you have a little smeller in here? Not good. Smell through the microphone? Coming through the door. Will they ever be able to figure that

technology out? The smellies? No, through it. If you're talking to your wife overseas and she spritzes into the thing and you can smell it. They tried that with, and they're trying to bring it back again, but they tried that with movie theaters and the problem was all the smells just started messing like building up so they'd be like you think you're in a field and they put a certain smell out but then you

couldn't clear it fast enough for the next smell right and it just turned into a fucking disaster and speaking of disaster segue segue our first email is coming in from our happy to be alive son Tyler Who writes What's up fuckheads Hey Hey You don't talk to your dad like that We'll kill you Your lucky son Tyler here

I was listening to Infection Home Depot Sinking Baby Seal While driving to my job site in the company vehicle I'm an appliance repair technician And I regularly drive multiple hours to people's homes Anyway I was going 65 down the highway when some high schooler pulled out in front of me

from the right going left. I swerved in time to avoid hitting him, but he hit me on the passenger side. I smacked my head on the driver's window and lost consciousness. I woke up after about 30 seconds to you guys making dubstep seal sounds at full blast on the radio. Do you remember

that? Not really. He was talking about club seal, how they only let 100 in, or 200, whatever it was. It was like, arf, arf, arf. So he fucking wakes up to that. I didn't know it at the time, but if I hadn't woken up and shut off the engine that soon,

then the gas that was pooling under the cab would have caught fire and turned the truck into a jumbo pressure cooker. Of course, they only told me that after I was safe. In fact, I distinctly remember the officer telling me I was lucky to be alive, and I just looked at her and I said, didn't seem that bad. The kid and his dog he had with him were uninjured, and I made it out with a concussion and shifted spine. I put some photos below of the accident

and uh in my back shortly after love the show five out of five stars and thanks for the save so if you're watching on youtube you can see the see the car accident but yeah man you got you got fucked up but waking up to that yeah when i when i remember when i read that email i i started laughing out loud because i i didn't remember the story but i told my i was telling my wife i was like what what the way it read and she's just like jesus christ like what what the fuck i'm like i don't know we were doing something stupid what a weird i mean there's plenty of ways to get knocked out and you wake up to hearing like some weird shit but to have dub, like just to add the confusion.

Yeah. What in the fuck is happening? Wild stuff. Tyler, we are happy that you are alive. Uh, do you want to read our next one, Brian?

Sure. I'll give it a shot. If you mess up, just say fuck or shit. Okay. Thank you. Second email coming from our son, Danny,

which compliments the last email very well. Okay. Hey there daddies. When I was really young, maybe six or seven years old, I remember driving to the beach with my brother and grandfather in my grandfather's van. My grandfather was a carpenter, so his van was set up with shelves, trays, cork boards, all that kind of tools, all that kind of stuff. So, of course, the back rows of seats didn't exist.

My brother and I would argue over who got to sit in passenger seat because our grandfather's solution was just to throw plastic lawn chair in the back god uh not bolted down or anything turns we were uh turns were super awesome this wasn't at one time it wasn't one time thing either this was every time we drove to the beach with him or a little anytime we had to ride along with him anyway fuck you guys especially zach because he's new. Love always. Hey, fuck you, buddy. Fuck you, buddy. I remember I had a similar experience like that. My uncle had a van like that. And he had, like, but the passenger seat, he would just throw all of his trash.

He wouldn't throw it away. It would be throw it in the passenger thing. So you'd sit. It's like your feet up on, like, basically like a footstool. But it was trash. And in the back, it was just all trash too and like how it was like motor's leg yeah nice all right that makes sense but i remember he kind of had the same thing he had like an old couch it was just like it was in the back and it was you turn it would just slide around i guess and

when you're a kid it's it's fun sure yeah picture in the And when you're a kid, it's fun. Sure. Yeah. Picture in the parents, like you're a parent. He's like, we're not letting you take our kids unless you get something for them to sit in. And he's like, okay, fuck. And he swings by a garage sale, buys a couch and just fucking throws it in the back. Now they have a place to sit.

Your parents are like, all right, cool. No problem. Way back then it was fine but it's so funny to think about like you know like uh fuck your uncle john's gonna have to pick him up are you sure you can't get there on time he's like no i can't make it you're gonna have to you have to call him you know you know they have a 50 50 chance of making it home it's like uncle buck it's like oh shit we to get Buck to do this. God damn it. Oh, absolutely. My dad, same thing.

It was never seats in the back. It's all the carpentry tool shit. And then growing up with his little Datsun truck, he had a little shell on it. There's only room for one person up front, two if you wanted to smash in. And the rest of you just laid on a futon in the back and just go on. They were manuals weren't they oh yeah so you had to sit and like he's reaching over your lap and shifting and like the floorboard had rust you could just see the road oh yeah below it yeah i just threw the

fucking floorboard on the passenger side and then everyone else just laid on a futon you go on a 400 600 mile fucking drive jesus christ fuck yeah and it's like yeah we all ended. And it's like, yeah, we all ended up fine. It's like, well, I mean. Look how we turned out. It's like, yeah, a minor accident. Yeah. We were fucked. Yeah. You got lucky.

Yeah, exactly. The odds were not in your favor. All right, well, we made it through. We did. Yeah, in my head plenty of times. It's counting you higher. But I held it in. We made it to the end.

How do you feel? I feel really hot. Yeah, we've got to get the fuck out of here. Want to be a part of the gaggle? Sign up. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. Thank you to everybody who's doing that. You can also find a link in the episode description.

Of course, we're on the socials. We're on the YouTubes. Send something into the show. Hey, guys, at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. Want to do what other people have done and send us something physical in the mail? We love getting the physical fan mail stuff. You can find the P.O. Box address again

in the episode description. As always, Uncle Zach, one month baby. Producing today's show. And be sure to check out everything Zach does at Scatcast.com That is S-K-A-T-C-A-s-t.com he does a ton of work on it a lot of fun he'll get wrapped up in the fucking scativerse you have so many weird terms in your community it is very strange the scat scatverse part of it the most recent one was battle scats i like battle scats

all right pretty tight man thanks to our babysitters moderating the can you don't facebook page and then you brought something a little funny thing on the back end. I did, but go follow my socials too. No. Yeah. Zach, I'm just kidding. Just make him roll it. I just think about, I never plug it.

Yeah, plug your socials. Yeah, just my name, Brian Auburn. Go all together, so anal's in the middle. Yeah, there's an anal in the middle. If there's no anal in the middle, it's not... You spelled it wrong. It's got to be... not a human centipede right

well I remember that one I like that alright are you ready for a little funny yeah I got a joke for you alright good god

wrap it up already huh what is it this is actually from our gal pal Penny okay babysitter she's a babysitter babysitter Penny

did you do you know why ducks have tail feathers do i no i don't to cover their butt quacks yes that's good yes and it does do it it does which is fucking pretty pretty cool have you ever seen a duck's butthole only Only when I get real close and curious. Are they like chicken buttholes? Cloaca. Cloaca. Well, a chicken butthole would be a little... Well, I feel like chicken buttholes are up higher, aren't they?

I think you're right. Because like a duck's... The way that a duck's body is, it's kind of flat on the bottom where chickens kind of rise up in the back, don't they? They got that dinosaur ass, yeah. Yes, exactly. That's why more people fuck chickens than ducks you got it yeah easier to all right everybody thank you for sticking around for 56 if you subscribe to us on patreon the show keeps going if you don't we'll see you guys next week you