Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Lamborghini. Wedding Crashers. Roomba. Apology.

Episode Date: August 10, 2022

Holy heck! We just had one of the most insane three weeks of our lives! Joe hit the self-destruction button and landed himself in the ER, and Bryan's dad unexpectedly passed away. It's been a lot to tackle so apologies for disappearing for the last three weeks. But we're back! Let's talk about all of this and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/jl87WEn14do Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Lamborghini, Wedding Crashers, Roomba, Apology. Wow! Are we actually in the studio right now? Brian with a Y, it's so good to see you. Yeah, I feel like it's been months. Well, we did take, I think we took a month off. Pretty much. I mean, nothing really happened. We just wanted to take a break.

Nothing significant took place. And everything's going on exactly as it's always been. I just had this thought. In an earlier episode, we talked about we don't know where we're going to be in a couple of months because we're recording so far ahead. So many things could have changed by now. And wow.

Wow, didn't see this one coming. There was a lot. We were joking about Halloween and Christmas. No, a lot more happened than that. Yeah, it happened a lot sooner than we thought it did might i okay so i've got i've got quite the bag of things do you want to talk about something happening in your life recently we can start there before we transition into the 4 000 things that i have or where do you want to start yeah i mean that's fine i um

as much i mean yeah i actually lost my dad recently and so did you. So it's been, you, you kind of knew yours was happening and mine just, it's actually the day that I took you to the hospital. Cause I thought you were going to die with your heart was going to explode or whatever it was doing. Um,

we were joking about you dying to the nurses and stuff and they were kind of giggling. Ha ha. And then i got a call yeah and it was the worst phone call i've ever received in my entire life yeah i know it was um it was rough watching you get out of there like i was like oh my god what what else could possibly happen and again i'm not saying i mean fucking 60 of my shit is my own fault 60 is yeah i mean if you break it into a pie chart we should we do that dad and cancer and uh afib heart i'm gonna go ahead and say those weren't

my fault that's true covet had something to do with the thing right i don't even know yeah i don't even know if that was my fault i guess it could have been uh but yeah so anyway i'll get to the the things that were my fault but yeah sitting in that hospital bed watching you get that phone call it was just it was surreal it was uh it was awful man i feel i feel so bad yeah the crazy thing was is i you know my sister called me and i answer the phone and i'm like what i didn't know what's going on so then i peek because i walked out of the room to answer the phone i walked back in there and i'm like i think my dad just died and everyone just like the nurses and everyone in there just kind of like froze and looked over like what what's going on what room is he in no yeah not here yeah it's you know 200 or 100 and however many miles away

if there is there if there's any positive to you having to take off and leave me in the hospital to die it's that i got an uber ride home and he was super nice oh that's nice he was uh he was very anti conspiracy theory um he was just ripping on a bunch of people i was like thank god i was like i needed i needed this i did not expect that from you and uh so that was a good that was a good thing it was just so wild because i was like i felt bad leaving you because i was like i didn't know if you were gonna be all right yeah but i was like i'm sorry i have to go you know like any other situation i would have stayed there but i was like i have to go i'm going to hold it against you for the rest of your life and i we i mean i knew i was gonna be okay

because i could tell because no one was panicking really in the room well i was nervous but i was like yeah i walked out there to the lady i'm like he's kind of getting worse and she's like okay and just kind of okay and then went right back to her computer i'm like did you hear what i just said are you listening to me yeah they so they must have been like oh this is uh this is the way it's gonna happen grab her by her doctor jack i'm doing are you even listening to me i'm updating my myspace my friend joe yeah is getting worse the one right here right there i think it might die right he's right right in front of you two paces yeah two paces if you get up and walk around the table you could see him that guy please do

that yeah because he's not doing well i'm sorry you're you know you have to update your your top eight friends or whatever sorry to disturb you that would be even worse if they wouldn't check on me and you looked over their shoulder and they were using my space you're like what is happening like what are what are you doing and they're all how'd you get your job they were all sitting around talking about oh you they're moving in order because you remember when that used to happen they're all moving me out yeah yeah it's gonna move because do you remember when you do that because it was like kind of the order of your friends. So however you did that, your friend would be like, wait, why did I move back a spot? What did I say?

Oh, my God. What song is my profile on my picture? Yeah. Profile song right now, whatever it's called. Okay. Well, I mean, that I can't believe I don't even know what the odds are that because my dad got diagnosed with terminal brain cancer like late last summer. So there's no way of knowing like when it was going

to get this bad and when it happened it just progressed so damn fast so statistically for us both to lose our dads within three weeks is it's just it's a lot on its own the thing that's the most sickening is my dad just fucking retired that makes me sick to my that's like one of my biggest fears and i can tell by the way you're fired up about it's the same thing where uh man this just happened to someone else too where uh they just retired or their dad just retired and they went on a trip like a big fishing trip and got in a fucking terrible accident and like paralyzed them it's like god damn it like you work you grind your entire life to have these like final 20 years to do whatever

the fuck you want and it's just uh i mean that's like that might be one of if not the top fear of mine is working all the way up to that point and you're just like okay fucking finally and then something happens my dad worked for the same company for 41 years we were at his retirement party um and we were having cake and all that. And, you know, I, uh, they said, you want anybody, anybody want to say anything? I stood up and I was like, you know, we're so excited. My dad, he's worked so much. I was like, we're so excited to have him back and we can do all this stuff. My grandkids are excited. He's, he's excited. And he, you know, he showed us the letter that he sent to his boss to resign. And it was like...

Go fuck yourself. Yeah. In a nice way. But he's like... It just goes... He's like, what? It's like a push button in an envelope. It's like, what the fuck is this?

It's the technology these days. This is how they do it. Right. But yeah, he was just like, I enjoyed my time, my work, but it's time to live life how it's meant to be lived, spending time with my grandkids, traveling all over. And then a month and a half later, it's time to live life how it's meant to be lived spending time with my grandkids traveling all over and then a month and a half later it's taken from him it just makes me sick to my stomach fucking sucks man i'm i mean super sorry and they came and picked him up in a dodge minivan god damn it what is with it how did we do we blame the education system i don't know i because a lot of people when i mentioned my dad getting picked up in a minivan, they're like, oh my God, that's so fucked up.

That's, you know, whatever, darkly funny, whatever. And then your dad gets picked up in a minivan. And I don't know if Hollywood ruined this for us or, like I said, the education system. I just don't know what happens. I thought it was totally different. I thought it was going to be, I don't know. I understand that a hearse would take you to a cemetery. I just don't know what I thought was happening getting out of the home. And it wasn't that. It was totally different. I was going to be, I don't know. I understand that a hearse would take you to a cemetery. I just don't know what I thought was happening getting out of the home.

And it wasn't that. It was not that. And this van was parked out in front of the funeral home area. Has like the spare tire on the back, the tiny wheel. There was a parking spot outside of the place designated for one car to park. And it was a black Dodge minivan. And I told my sister is that is that what they came she's like yeah i'm like are you fucking kidding me joe is not gonna believe that's

what i said i said joe told just joe's told me a story about his dad and i was like he's not gonna fucking believe this because we joked about it and so i guess it's a thing it must be a whole thing and if there is a thing to pick i mean i guess it's a pretty good thing i guess he's not a pickup truck or something like yeah just like a little like the the work flatbed the workbench thing that you get a little step little step comes out to lift your dad into the truck bed he doesn't fit he's too tall had to put a little red flag on his toe my dad was six four well thank god he had a minivan because his toes have been hanging out the back of the truck all right no it's just it's i know let's get out of here i'm i'm i'm i'll pull myself i'm pulling myself out because i just like i'm still sick to my stomach yeah and uh okay well

i'll i'll take over like of course my dad passed away uh earlier in july or end of june sorry i should say and um on top of all of that, there has been some huge shit, all my fault that went down in my personal life. Some things have been said about me and I am not going to address that right now. And the main reason for that is it doesn't really matter what I have to say about it. It's over. It's done with. I cannot change it. What I can change is my future for my kids to make things as great as we possibly can between Aaron and I. And you can kind of get where I'm going with this if you haven't heard. But yeah, my wife and I are separated and we're doing everything we can to make it the best situation possible for the kids. Because we

both love them. It's going to be 50-50. None of that stuff. No big fight about it. But as far as going into detail and really dragging this thing out, I'm not going to do it out of respect for, you know, like I said, my family, my friends, the ones that are directly impacted,

I have already profusely apologized to and made it very clear. So now I am working on me to better myself and understand why I could, how I could have possibly did what I did. Cause I never thought that that was in me and it was, so I have to work on that and I plan on doing that, but I cannot let a terrible stretch completely detour or determine or define is what I should say who I am because I know I'm not I know I'm not that I there is that in me and I have to figure out how to do that moving forward so again this had nothing got out of your system oh I fucking hope so I got something um like a

life-changing fucking disaster but uh yeah so the the house which is you know where the studio is i mean that's going to aaron and the kids morally there's not a fucking chance in hell i just take the childhood home away from my kids uh like i said she did nothing wrong so i guess can't do it i don't i don't care i don't care what it's worth there's no fucking way i would not be able to live with myself um aaron is a saint she is i mean there's a reason why we were together for 16 years she's absolutely amazing she's going to keep or allow us to uh continue to record the show in here because the studio is built here um but yeah so you know she's she is absolutely amazing and she always will be and i'm going to

do everything i can to uh to make it up to her the most that I can in the position that I will be in. Um, but people were asking if we're going to try to work it out. And the answer is fucking no, like right out the gate, we knew that was not going to happen. And I wasn't going to try to fight for it. Cause that felt even worse. Like be like, Oh, come on, man. It's like, no, I didn't want to be in that. I don't want to put her in that. I didn't want to be in that. Uh, so it's just over and we're going to move on and move forward and uh the ones that are here listening to it right now i appreciate you you know i guess giving me the chance or at least understanding that yeah good good people could do some really bad shit well all it takes is a little bit of perspective you realize what

happened and going forward you can only be better yeah i have no i have no choice but to work on the future i cannot change what happened now yeah and nobody people involved don't want to dwell on it either yeah aaron's yeah i'm not i'm not gonna drag my family just continue to drag my family through this it's just not it's just not it i have like i said i'm working through it with everyone that is directly impacted by my actions and that is the most important thing to me right now. So yeah, we're keeping the show going. And with that said, we do have to note, we're going to miss the shit out of Logan.

But producer Logan Keith, he still is employed by my past employer. So between working with us and the show is just getting going or working at a job that supports his entire family and he i would have been pissed if he chose to be here well i was gonna fire him anyway well yeah i mean that's true so yeah can you imagine like so we do this whole thing and like logan's listening because i bet you he is i mean he he fucking loved being here yeah um and then we're just like yeah

but then logan like he just wasn't doing fucking things he was supposed to be doing we just got rid of him he's like what the fuck like what are you guys doing he's just stoned out there yeah just sitting around just sitting around fucking off yeah yeah every time we get done recording he would delete it it was just too much no logan we're gonna miss you so much man and who knows there's a lot of future in front of this show uh so maybe there's a chance of uh of something coming back down the line well what's gonna happen is he's gonna have to compete with ezra to for the producing job ezra is already trying to run he is but and i would love to have him do it daddy just has such a potty mouth i can't that's the thing that's yeah because he he would be able he probably would be able to run it

to to a degree within i bet you a couple weeks be able to do it um but i just i don't know i can't let him hear daddy say these things yeah i mean i don't blame you it's i i walked up and he just told me all about the oh the brandy sprinkler sprinkler so like he dives into something if he wanted to he could figure out that audio board it would be he would know what the thing inside and out and he'd be killing the show but yeah we can't be saying what we're saying yeah around him uh and then before we get on to uh i guess the rest of the show here but also i want to tell you a story about ezra but before we do that uh speaking of getting a producer i know but a big part of it is just being able to afford to

have a producer. What we had with Logan was something that carried over and it was a deal, you know, paid off how, how we grew together. However, that's not going to happen anymore. Um, but a, a huge step into getting a producer that doesn't mind naughty words and talking about Dick's butts and pussies and stuff like that, uh, is to, is to head over to the Patreon and, and, and subscribe and subscribe that's that's it i mean that's our that's the only way we're gonna be getting a producer until then as you see on youtube it's gonna look a little bit differently we don't have anybody to switch the cameras

we don't have anybody to roll the segments so those gonna be edited you fucked a lot of shit i'm aware god damn it dude jesus christ leave me alone i was so excited. We were rolling. We were rolling. And Joe had to just fuck everything up. Oh, yeah. I know. But anyway, so that'd be great. So here's the story I wanted to share about Ezra really quick, and then we'll get off to the shut up, start the show.

I'm anticipating that this show will probably be a little longer. I don't know right now. So I hope that that's okay with everybody, all the kids out there. But this story about ezra absolutely floored me this was this past weekend from the time that we're recording this episode and ezra likes to go thrift shopping go around the thrift stores like she has fine stuff obviously hangs out like in the electronics and outside with like the gym equipment like the things that have moving parts right so we're walking through a thrift store a local one here in corda lane and there's a box

of of just black tubes and this thing is like 30 or 40 feet away no idea what what this box is right and we're walking in like a like a parent slapping their hand across the passenger seat when they slam on the brakes to protect their kid he does that to me he like whaps right like almost punched me in the wiener and he goes no freaking way and i'm like i'm like i'm like what like i didn't know what he was gonna do and he goes you see that box over there and i'm like yeah and he goes those are rainbird 4200s i'm like what and he goes yeah those are sprinklers pop-up sprinklers i'm like oh my god he just rides over there and it's a whole box of pop-up sprinklers i'm like oh my god he just runs over there and it's a whole box of pop-up sprinklers he knew exactly what the name was and everything i forget the model the model it was like there's a rainbird blah blah and he just called it out

because you could tell by the shape and how thick it was and how long it was the model of it from 40 feet away so he picked it up and he goes can i get these like yeah of course you can get these crazy little crazy man. So we went up there. I don't know how much I thought it was going to be, but the guy saw it. Ezra's excitement. He just gave it to us like three bucks. Nice.

The whole box of sprinklers. So anyway, what he was showing you was that he has set up an entire sprinkler system on the front lawn with all the hoses connected. They're all connected. I know. Everything. Everything's all. And if he could hook up the timer, he would.

Yeah. Yeah. He was showing us the timer. The timer. Yeah. He was showing us the timer before we came down here. And he's like, this one you can hook up to this. And it looked like some Vietnam radio. That a colonel or someone in the field. Which then that also was a thrift store find. Of course. Yeah.

Aaron was telling me they found that the weekend before. Before he went back and found all the rainbirds. All right. Well, I think that's pretty much it for what we wanted to cover. We're just going to keep this train rolling. Thank you for sticking with us, and we're pumped to get this train back on the tracks. Yeah, and I'm going to try to make some jokes today.

It's still coming out of it, but you might have to make me laugh a little bit. I'll try. I'm just not in that silly goose mode right now. All your laughs are like. Yeah, that's the way I feel inside right now try i'm just not in that silly goose mode right now all your laughs like yeah it's kind of way that's why i feel inside right now i'm just kind of like i have like a i have a banger joke it's the funniest thing i've ever said you're like yeah fuck you should have waited a week you should have waited you got to give some distance what is it time equals comedy i don't know time tragic tragedy tragedy plus time equals comedy i don't know i did horrible in math.

And then last thing before we get off to the starting question here. If you guys want to send something in, you can send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. And of course, we have the merch available right now at canyoudontpodcast.com. Are you ready? Yeah. Okay. I guess I'm just going to yell at myself then. Joe! Edit the segment in!

Hey, shut up. It's not the show already! Okay, sorry. And this was important. It is super sad. But it is something that I wanted to bring up because I had never found myself in this dark of a spot. And something is telling me that I need to talk about it. So that at least someone out there, if you are feeling anything like this please go find help so this goes back to when

everything that i just covered in the in the intro came out and was unraveling and it was broadcasted and everybody knew uh and big thanks to the literal thousands and thousands of people that have written in with messages of support. That's great. Of course, it's the people that are like, fucking go jump off a building, you piece of shit. And as I say, probably. Anyway, bye. But thank you so much for you guys sending those in.

And I've tried to reply to every single one. So hopefully I didn't miss you guys. But when it was all coming out, dude, it was so scary. And I don't think I was going to do it. But it feels important to talk about. It was so it was so scary and i don't think i was gonna do it but it feels important to talk about um it was it was so dark and i was just sitting on the edge of my bed and i had my handgun like in my hand and i don't really remember getting it i wasn't like blacked out i wasn't drinking but it's just like this weird emotional part and i was like i remember just sitting there in my train of thought.

I was like, I mean, I mean, who would care? Like that kind of thought. And I just sat there and it wasn't very long. It was maybe like five to 10 seconds. I was like,

what the fuck are you doing? And I put my gun back in the lock box. I actually took a picture of my kids and taped it to the front. And then I left my room and I slept on the couch and i just watched tv until i passed out the next morning i woke up and packed up my guns and brought them over here to aaron's house so they were not in my possession anymore but that scared me so bad it scared me so bad um and luckily i mean yeah aaron was very open about it um i told her like after it happened and she was super concerned about it because you know she's awesome um but if you are ever in that dark of a spot i didn't use it but i did look it up

after this happened to make sure i knew at least what the number was in case things got that dark but the suicide hotline number is 988 that's all you have to all you have to type in that's simple 988 but um yeah so i mean i know that it's sad, and I know it's not very funny at all to talk about that, but bad shit happens, and I never thought that I would ever cross my mind, and it did. So that's terrifying. Yeah, it scared me. It scared me really bad. You know, you gain perspective in everything in life, and, you know, you talk about, I mean,

I've been dealing with like anxiety for a long time i never understood what it was and then i had you know i've talked to you about it talked to a few people about it and they're like oh do you feel this way blah blah blah and then you realize oh okay it's not so isolating and alone there's actually a lot of people that deal with stuff and so once you can kind of get perspective on things i actually my uncle who i was really close with and took his life with a gun and it's like i never he was the happiest guy i knew yeah and so you can get into a place where you're not even in the right mind and if you can't get yourself out of it i mean i get how you can go there a lot of my personality a lot of my happiness i feel like a lot of my purpose in life is entertaining and making people laugh yeah uh

or making in any way i want to make their life better uh and so when that was completely taken away from me i i mean that was it i just felt like i lost my identity like it was just fucking who am i now like this is all all gone i mean, thank God I've waited it out because, yeah, I mean, it's going to get better. I'm going to make it okay. And I know that I'm going to continue to do what makes me happy, and that's making other people happy regardless. And one good thing, you know, the listeners, it's been majority positivity and support. Of course, there's,'s you know the people that are they're they're gonna leave and for whatever reasons they have morally or whatever that you

know that's that's on them that's fine sure um but yeah it has been supportive and we i mean we i had tons of support i've got hundreds of messages in my socials too that i haven't responded to just because i've been isolated from phone and social. Yeah. And I will hopefully get to everyone. So thanks for those kind words too. So I guess that's just the kids and the silly geese have been very supportive. I mean, I can't credit it, but that was the very first thing I did after I decided to put it back in the lockbox was get on my phone and look at more messages.

Yeah. Because I had to put it back in the lockbox was get on my phone and look more at more messages because they're just, I had to see. And when it first happened, I mean, there was a tons of support. And I think once it, all the information started really settling in, then it was more and more and more and more support.

So thank you guys very much. I'm not sure if that stopped me. I don't know what it was, but I'm just, it scared me. You probably thought of me and you're like, Oh, I can't do this. Brian can't fuck this up. Thenrian too yeah oh man yeah you just saw my face ah what if that was

it could have been you never know all right so let's move on let's just try let's try to do some funny here okay this was sent in by our son aaron are you ready yes would you rather be forced to live on a ninja warrior course until you complete every stage or be forced to live on a golf course until you get a hole-in-one on every par three and if you're not a golfer that fuck that that's really hard that's really really hard to get a hole-in-one. I've gotten, like, even within maybe a foot, like, twice in my entire life. Maybe a foot. And there's a lot that can happen in that foot. That foot does not mean the ball missed by a foot. It could have rolled sideways, backwards, left, right.

Like, it's not. I was not that close. There's still a lot of shit that could happen to get a hole-in-one on a par three. I don't think people realize how hard golf is. Until you play it. Until you, I mean, it's the most frustrating sport ever because you think you're just going to go out there and hit a few balls around. And within three, four strokes, you are losing your mind. You're hammered drunk in a golf cart.

You're breaking stuff. You're throwing things. Yeah. Screaming at the ball. Yeah. Like, what other sport can do that to you? Bowling. No, I'm kidding.

I don't know. If you get that mad at bowling, I don't even know what you're doing. Bowling is one of those things where you just show up and you're just having fun. Golf's not fun unless you're good. But there's some people that that's the way they are with everything. Well, there's no bumpers on a golf course though. There should be. Because they have a a handicap they have giant inflatable walls imagine if out of bounds there was just like boeing there was trampolines all the way down the side it just bounced off i like the idea just like in a bowling alley where some people have the the bumpers and

some people don't yeah and they and they go down in the gutter. What if on a golf course, me and you, we're really good. We do not need the bumpers. However, we're going with our friend, I don't know, Chad. He's terrible, and he needs the inflatable walls on a golf course. And you're like, okay, blow them up. And just, which just takes three hours. There's a team of people off to the side. Like huge industrial blowers just

and like people on every other t-box like god damn it like it's so loud sorry sorry chad chad needs them and then it's like anything else you have to deflate it so everyone's laying on it right you know that whole thing everyone's rolling on it you're like here get on the other side come on a little help please uh so there's that and getting a hole-in-one is really really hard but being forced to live on a ninja warrior course and maybe i'm just i mean i know i'm well i'm being optimistic here but i see some of those i can make it past i think some of the obstacles on that ninja warrior course and i think maybe all of them eventually if i get to try them indefinitely you are going to be in impeccable

shape you are going to be a fucking sexy ass homeowner yeah i mean i don't know you'll you get in shape um that would still be less frustrating than golfing because it depends on how bad you have to be i'm picturing like just an everyday home okay okay like i know that like being forced to live on the ninja warrior course so i'm taking this and i'm putting it in like a house situation but if every house was designed and had ninja warrior course to get from the living room to like the bathroom to the bedroom how insane would that be like oh man go take a shower you gotta start chalking up your hands isn't there water in the bottom too yeah so you could just pee in the water but then you'd eventually just be urine water yeah i never thought about that more motivation to not fall

in just start pooping and peeing in the water yeah punishment is way worse just waste now it's wastewater well they call it the salmon ladder that one's always fun to watch do you ever watch ninja warrior no i mean i have i'm more of a floorsor is lava guy Okay But Alright And then thinking about If you're trying to Leave the house on time God damn it Pepper If you don't beat

The Warped War Wall in two minutes We're gonna be late for school Late run late for school He's like I'm trying Just sweating Just running up With her backpack on

Dad I'm trying Push the buzzer Well I guess Maybe you could run up there And if you Would you be able To help her up I'm sure Cause you can't help Someone get a! Well, I guess maybe you could run up there, and would you be able to help her up?

I'm sure. Because you can't help someone get a hole-in-one. No. But you could help someone get through the course, like if you're family. I can just throw Ezra through. She doesn't have to do the swingy ring toss thing. You just throw him as hard as you can. Yeah, it doesn't say how you've got to pass it, right? You've just got to get through it.

Well, it says you have to complete it. So you can't fall in the water. You have to be able to do each one. There's no way you can throw your kid across those things get out of here well you would get so strong though throwing your kid in the water and you would probably just work out i don't know you have to be a like a superhuman robot so we throw a child through an obstacle course was that oh you okay okay until you complete every stage in head, I was thinking that's just how you live forever. Okay, no, no.

So as soon as you complete it, and I think for sure, my physical ability, I have a way better chance of getting done with a warrior course faster than I would getting a hole-in-one on every par three. Which is, typically, there's like three par threes. Depending on the course. Or we play in, I don't know. And do you get the whole course to yourself, or do you have to just go out at nighttime when no one else is typically there's like three par threes depending on the course are we playing i don't know and do you get the whole course to yourself or do you have to just go out at nighttime when no one else is out there you're waiting you have a headlamp you're like god damn it for you you'd be like known as the crazy dude that camps by whole three are we like a tent are we playing augusta national or are we going to like a nine hole well shitty course i think it has to be a full 18, a full 18.

Let's just go a typical public municipal. So you can't just play the same hole over and over again. you can. Yeah. I think you just play the par threes over and over and over again. Still, that's even more maddening. That'd be so bad.

I think, I feel like there's the psychological effect of, of golf almost outweighs the physical part of the because i think like you're trying to scale a wall and you can't get it that's still psychologically but like golf is such a frustrating sport it's just it's you have a weapon delicate swing yeah i know how you're not gonna have any clubs left so you're just gonna be breaking clubs and now you're well part three you might be able to throw the ball. You can't throw the ball.

That's not golf. You can't just throw the ball. That's weird. It'd be like, it'd be like, it's like, okay, you're not leaving the football field.

You kick a field goal and you just throw it through the goalpost. You're like, done. That's true. Well, are we playing on the, which, which,

um, colors we playing on? I don't know. The, the women, the pros, just standard whites. There's still no way. But, oh my playing on i don't know the the women's just white it's just white just standard whites there's still no way but oh my god i don't know because i've gotten hole in ones on like driving ranges and stuff i thought you're gonna say in a video game i don't know

man i've got a hole in one in a video game on that golden tea right i don't think i've ever gotten a hole in one on golden tea fuck that game game's so hard and they've never updated the graphics since 1940 i don't know what they're doing the graphics can be so sick on a golden tea fuck that game game's so hard and they've never updated the graphics since 1940 i don't know what they're doing the graphics can be so sick on a golden tea and they never are yeah they've never updated it why would they what yeah it's the same machine why would you why would you do anything because someone would bitch about it oh it's not as good as the old one and then they'd lose all their business yeah uh and then um a ninja warrior course in a nursing home that's i don't know why i thought that was it's just be like between every obstacle just be a soggy human mess just laying down and

can't do it uh wheelchair version right right i don't know how that would that'd be how do you do that one um and then will the announcers be there the whole time oh and you can hear him right oh he's so bright yeah brian looks like he's leaving for work like fuck god if only he had better upper body strength he said he's been working on that the off season i'm not buying it that's the thing dude my upper body i'm like any sort of like a pull-up anything that would be like when they you see them like they're on a bar and they pull and they have to the salmon ladder yeah that's the yeah okay yeah jumpy pulley climbing i don't think i would that's something i don't think i would ever be able to do and only using your fingertips like a rock

climber kind of thing no i don't know but it does not say it's in a house it says that you just have to complete every single one so you just train i would just train for a year straight and then go and complete my course and then go back to my life I think I could do that before I hit a hole in one on every part three on the course

what if you just played the same hole over and over and just dialed it dialed it in that's the problem you don't have to do it in one day right

just hit the ball in the hole you know what I mean just eventually get the whip there until you do it like you could be there you play the same three par three holes over

for a year you might do it maybe see that's the toss up I know for sure you get to drink beer and stuff is there like a girl You could be there. You play the same three par three holes over for a year. Man. You might do it. Maybe. See, that's the toss up. I know for sure. You get to drink beer and stuff. Is there like a girl in a cart coming around drinking beer? Hey, what's up, Brian?

Hey. It's just another day. Scorcher today, huh? Yeah. How about you don't try the beer today? I tried that yesterday. I tried that last night I don't know

I think I'm going to go with the course because I think I could do it eventually I don't know for sure you could hit the ball so close so many times think about the best golfers in the world almost every single tournament goes by

round after round after round with no hole-in-ones the best goal And those are the best in the world Yeah, and they don't do it, you know, and they know exactly what they're doing and they never get it's true Never I mean each one probably has what one two on the tour ever Like no one's just out there hitting nothing but fucking hole-in-one or they do it every time exactly They would never be across the the green. They'd be be right on it i'm saying i'm fucked either way really fuck it i'll just do the the warrior course with the golf club i'll just get in oh yeah maybe yeah maybe i'll just do the warrior coast just course just to get in shape so at least i'll look good yeah i think you're getting where

i'm going with this i'm going with that okay let's do the warrior course. Fine. That's going to be a mess. Fuck it, it's going to be so bad. Especially with all the piss and shit floating around. God, that'd be such an added insult. You think you're just doing the little skippy run and you just fall into a turd bath? Oh my God. At least it's your own turds. Is that worse? Thank God.

You don't make this. Here's a question for you. It's going be a weird question for me okay so if you like let's say you had to eat shit would you rather eat your own shit or someone else's shit okay because it's like is it okay because it's your own or you're like i know what i ate i don't think it's ever okay how about if you have a really you have a really bad um diet and you know the stuff you're eating is horrible so as i do yeah and then or it's like a vegan someone with a really healthy like a really attractive healthy woman okay it's her shit or your like corn grease riddled shit i think this just opened up another box and then we're going

to get the hell out of here is would you rather eat shit from either like your opposite sex is that more appealing than same sex like would you rather eat the attractive woman probably and women out there an attractive man they're like no i don't know dude even it's brad pitt which okay what about the most attractive man or the world like brad pitt shit or um rosanne bars okay shit it's still oh man why is attractiveness playing into like because it is it does it's playing in right now why does that matter it shouldn't matter and why do i want to eat brad pitt's shit yeah like why do i like if you were gonna eat if you were a cannibal i think you'd rather eat the

more attractive person right i don't uh i don't know you want a sweaty arm i don't know what's their body like well it's brad pitt and roseanne the same thing i might go roseanne there's more to eat i don't know yeah but uh, but that's assuming you're really hungry. You just have to eat them. I see a snack. Okay. Yeah, I guess Brad Pitt again. You're filleting off a piece.

This is just like a weird new fantasy that has been born. Like, how many things do I like about Brad Pitt? I like his face and his hair and the way his forearm tastes i just picture like he's got that really like his forearm in his tricep um yeah i just imagine like cutting a piece off and just cooking it on like a rotisserie it's just gonna be good searing it up instead of just fat greasy fat oh i'm trying to think back how we got here how we get here oh pooping in the warrior pool yeah cool that was it i feel like i'm back now this is where my brain goes here we go baby all right we're gonna move on speaking of brains and i've got a story for what are you thinking about all right hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know

what i'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? All right. So here's what I'm thinking about. And I guess why I'm thinking about it is because we just announced that, you know, my wife and I are separating. So why not? I have a chance now. Fuck, dude. Can you imagine?

I couldn't even be mad. What's funny is that's us in the oh yeah the thing that's true we should probably talk to her about that see if she's fine with still being in that yeah it's weird um or if i have a shot yeah that too i should talk to my wife about that first yeah you should do that don't make the same mistakes um so wouldn't that be weird really cool no i don't want to do it that whole imagine that well i mean pretzel of a mess why not what what throw it on top nothing else can happen right so uh talking about us splitting of course you know i've obviously been thinking about this and sentimental about uh about the about the marriage coming to a close but it did remind me of a story I might as well share right now

about our own wedding that happened here in Coeur d'Alene. And I've never shared this story. I've never seen anything like this. And this shit just happened so fast. So let me set the scene. We had a pretty small wedding here in Coeur d'Alene. I think there was like,

oh man, maybe a hundred, a hundred and twenty-five. Sorry, I don't know what the fuck's in my mouth. Pubes? It's a bug. It's just pubes. Between segments, I'm just knobbling on myself. Knobbling?

Is that a word? Monopoly? So we had a wedding, and we got married, and it was great, and it was fun, beautiful. My dad played all the music. And it was all meaningless. It was all meaningless as Aaron walked down the aisle. It was perfect. It was great. And then the party time came and what we opted to do

is we had a DJ but then we also had microphones so that for all the songs then everybody could also sing along in the crowd. Oh my God. Shut up. Family musicians. The whole Paisley clan is musicians. Get out of here. It was fun fun and so as the song is playing you can also sing along and do fun stuff so all this

is going everyone is having some drinks and really having a good time and then i kind of you know zoned out a little bit and i'm looking across the crowd on the dance floor and i see these two tall motherfuckers like they stood out like a couple of pine trees in a meadow like they were like probably like six, four like they're big tall dudes Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson yeah and I'm looking at them I'm like

who the fuck are that like who are these dudes and they're having a lot of fun I don't know how long they've been there they obviously love the vibe the dance floor was right out by the sidewalk

so anybody walking by like you could see how much fun it was so these dudes decided to pull yeah the wedding crasher thing and they came flying in super happy like dancing around and then out of nowhere i see my brother like looks at him and he goes over and he goes and i hear his words or uh i read his lips over the music and he goes who the fuck are you right and then and

they both like they're laughing and they're like, oh yeah, I think they're just kind of joking around. And my brother grabs them by the shirt and then just punches them in the face. Jesus. Right? And I'm like, whoa, like what the fuck just happened? It turns out they were not saying nice things back. They're saying, do whatever the fuck we want to.

But they're saying it with a big smile on their face. I thought they were being nice. They're not being nice. And my brother did not like that. So he punches him and then the other guy starts punching back right it turns into this big fight on the dance floor and here is my my favorite part because i didn't get in i didn't i didn't throw any punches i ended up like pulling people away but i did not get in any sort of fight so i'm just kind of sitting back and

watching this all go down and then my half brother is up on the little deck balcony area. He climbs up. No, no. He climbs up on the railing. Okay. Like a fucking WWE superstar. I'm picturing it.

He goes to jump and he's in his dress shoes. So they slip off the railing. His shins go into the railing and he front flips onto a table that my grandma's sitting at and just smashes smashes her instead of like hitting the people that he tried to jump on so now he's grabbing his

side in pain because he just grandma's like what the fuck is going on the music like like a fucking thing and then this one guy this one guy was fighting him. And then he got sick of being punched. So he ran and he tried to jump the fence.

The fence was one of those spiky fences. So it had like a little point on the top. He jumped over and he caught his shorts and underwear on it. So he goes off. He rips them off. So now he's running down the street with his dick out. Running from the Paisley family. And he's sprinting away and he's getting down the street with his dick out running from the paisley family and he's sprinting away and he's getting chased i forget by who i think like one of my father-in-laws

being like you son of a bitch and then the other guy that he came with who wasn't a part of the fight he's just standing there looking i look at him and he's going no no no no no no i mean he takes off and chases his naked friend um and that was the story of the wedding crash that's my own wedding. But dude, I'm not sure what was funnier because we didn't know what happened. All I remember is you saw him

and you just saw his butt running away. His white butt? His butt running away. And I don't, and I can't recall, I want to make sure that I get the facts

as close to, accurate as possible. I do not remember if his underwear was all the way off or if it was just ripped enough that his butt

was like hanging out the back as he was running away. So we didn't know this happened to this guy because it's dark out and then the next morning the sun comes up

as it tends to do and we had to pick up the wedding and I'm going along the fence line like taking things decorations off the fence like there's his shorts

and underwear like just hanging on the spike on the fence. Did you keep them yeah i smell i smell them nice you've never washed them no i'm wearing them right now i was really hoping you were gonna say that duct taped up climbed over the fence and caught his pants and then he was like dangling he just kicked the shit out yeah he's hanging from the fence you're like he's just throwing haymakers at him he's a pinata at this point. That's jail time.

He's gone through enough. He's hanging down. His ass is showing. And everyone's just gut punching him. Just spanking his butt. Like laughing. He's playing little drums. Playing like, I don't know, Mambo No. 5.

Everyone's Mambo No. 5. And everyone's singing into his face as he's trapped there. They have all got their microphones and they're singing one two three four five and he's like god leave me alone and he goes

play his butt cheeks little bongo drums because the musician came out and everyone yes you get it taking his shoes off

and clapping them together yeah hitting them in the cheeks Stacy the trumpet! What's that one part? He's just yelling out different instruments.

Trumpet! I would play that song but it'll be banned on YouTube. Yeah, I can't do that. Apparently we can't do that. Okay, want me to show you my dick? Yeah. Do you have anything else to add?

No, that's funny. I got nothing else. Okay, let's just do it. Let's do some dick. Let's do your dick. Okay. Let's just do it. Let's do some Dick. Let's do some Dick. Okay. Is it dumb? Is it interesting?

Is it cool? Then it's Dick. Dick. Then it's Dick. Dick. Okay. So I'm going to take the first story for Dick this week. And as I've had a lot more free time recently, I've been doing a lot of hiking.

I've just kind of get back out there, not sit in my apartment and mope. That's what everyone does when they... It's the best thing to do. When every time you see someone... Huge life change. Yeah, they're like selfies out there like up on top of a mountain.

Breath of fresh air, like some cool quote. And then go home and eat like a bag of chips. That's exactly what I did. I would take that picture on top of a mountain and I have pizza in my backpack to get me back down. I'm not kidding's exactly what I did. I would take that picture on top of a mountain and I have pizza in my backpack to get me back down. I'm not kidding. Literally what I did yesterday. I believe it. So doing a lot of hiking and then I came across

this story of some folks that were not prepared at all for hiking. And I'm going to read it to you here. So it says, hikers left the Texas heat to camp on a cold, rainy Colorado trail. So the duo hiked up Lake Como Road in Colorado's Sangre de Cristo range on Monday, June 27th at the Alamosa Volunteer Search and Rescue Team Set.

They never made it to Lake Como and set up camp about a quarter mile from the lake, which I'm going to go ahead right there. And I know it was raining. They're going to say that. But when I saw it, they were like, oh, man, it's a whole quarter mile away. And it's one lap around a track. Yeah. That's it.

That's one. You can make it. You can do it. Unless it's like. Children do that. On accident. Yeah. I hiked two miles in the wrong direction.

You wander off. And you go, whoops. And you can do that. Yeah. You can be looking for a lost contact lens and end up going a quarter mile. So anyway, so Lake Como is an 8.3 mile out and then back near Blanca, about 210 miles south of Denver. Anyway, this is it.

So they started getting hypothermia. It was sad. Some hikers, they ended up calling for help. But here's what happened. So they took off and they were not prepared. They didn't pack any extra clothing to stay dry. Their tent had no rain fly. The hikers also didn't have any extra food or water and they didn't have layers to survive

the night temperatures. So they said, these hikers said they did not understand why it was so cold and rainy in Colorado because it's been so hot in Texas. Oh my God. And they never checked any weather forecasts. What? Different climate. And the rescuers, all they said, like the main thing they said, ignorance can kill people.

It's like, that is true. Thank God they were able to call for help. But who the fuck takes us into a new, like not your backyard. It wasn't a hiking trip that went not it wasn't a a hiking trip that went wrong it was just a hiking trip that you fucked up yeah and you stranded yourself you're like i got a tent yeah i got a tent it's like one of those kid throw out pop-up barbie tents they're like yeah i don't know that's i mean it's a tent right uh they didn't say it was hard because of heavy rainfall there's like rockfall extremely slippery path that you're trying to get up there so i get all of that but what this did make me think of and i don't know why i thought this was

so funny to me but let's just imagine this okay mount everest it's a mount everest documentary and they're interviewing everyone you know great the cinematography is is this real no are you making this i'm making this up it just reminded i was like what like who would do this how could you be so ill prepared for this hiking trip so then i started picturing this fake mount everest documentary in the cinnamon top it's beautiful the custom music bed i mean it's just they're putting it all out there they're interviewing people and they're all wearing those like sleeping bag jackets you know i'm talking about they're super puffy yeah where you can barely see their face like out the little tie hole. They got frost on their beard and everything.

And they got all the gear. They got the clips and all that kind of shit because they're heading up the tallest mountain on the planet. And then it cuts to this camera and there's this dude named Devin. And he's wearing a tank top and flip flops. He has a cooler of white claws. What's up, bro? You ready? I don't know.

I'm just going to give it a shot. My buddy said it's pretty tall. And I was looking for tall stuff. I'm just, uh, I'm just gonna give a shot. Uh, I mean, my body said it's pretty tall and I was looking for tall stuff. I'm just going through a divorce. I'm trying to get back out there. And, uh, you need to get a couple of picks, reconnect with nature and all that kind of stuff.

He's just fucking sitting there and they, you know, cut around the other people. Like, I don't think he's going to make it. And then here's where my, my, my brain took it a little bit farther.

So, you know how, when people die on Everest, they have to just leave the bodies up there. they're not it's it's a long hike and you can't i guess you could sled them down if the conditions were right but they don't they just leave them up there to die but then 50 yards in is devon 50 yards his cooler of white claws and he's frozen to death and he's sitting there with his white claws maybe maybe he got frozen like in the fist bump pose yeah so like now it's tradition everyone who walks by just gives a fist bump to d-bone

it's like an icy statue of him and he's like like a weird smile it's the fate it's the han solo face right he's just he's just fist out he's got like his other hand has a white claw in it he's just sitting on his cooler everyone walks by gives a little fist bump as you go by how you're like what's up d-bone like that's what's funny is like i mean people do you hear that all the time like or going in a river or whitewater whatever it is like they don't take it nature serious and they're just like we'll pop in real quick and then drown yeah because they didn't do their research they didn't they just thought it'd be a fun little float or something you know and now they're dead yeah and i think there's definitely uh i don't know a little leeway when it comes to your experience with the thing that you're going

to do sure and i bring that up i hadn't thought about this until you know you just brought that up but um last weekend my mom and stepdad were in town and they rented some electric bikes which by the way are fucking sick yeah have you ridden one oh yeah where have i been i rode one but this one was like it was a tandem bike so me and ezra were sharing the same bike this thing went like fucking 35 miles an hour and you didn't even have to pedal it if you didn't want to it's basically a motorcycle um and so we're going out there to do that and i show up and i'm wearing flip-flops my mom's like what are you doing they said wear proper footwear i was like yeah it's fun i'm riding a bike mom i'm not like kicking alligators like i'm just my feet are on top of the pedals this is proper footwear she goes if they if

they turn this turn you down because i'm like they're not going to turn me down it's a cruiser bike i'm not mountain biking and she's like okay well unbelievable unbelievable unbelievable unbelievable i'm like god damn it mom always uh we get there they're both wearing flip-flops that they wrote the guy they rode their bikes up with flip-flops i'm like fuck you mom uh but no then i rode my rode the bike it was like 29 miles in flip-flops um so i get because that that would not be properly prepared for my outing if something went wrong i'm stuck in fucking flip-flops but i gambled it i was like i'm not wearing shoes it's 98 degrees today i'm not gonna wear i'm not gonna wear proper attire uh but i wasn't hiking it wasn't uh it wasn't like there's not there wasn't death involved yeah i

wasn't gonna die if something terrible happened or if I whacked my toe with a pedal. Ooh, ouch. Ouch. Skinned your foot. Oh no. Oh boy. I mean, there's, yeah. Cause that's the thing.

Like when you go out into nature, there's so many factors. If there's a flash flood rain, so many things like now I'm fighting for my life. And if you have no idea what you're doing you're fucked yeah you're done and so i guess this is the moral of story is don't fuck with mother nature ever ever yeah you end up like unless you know what you're doing and the people that know what they're doing when they die it's like well you know i knew i knew the risk yeah the people that do that they don't know the risk they don't think there is a risk. When you're reasoning, it says,

why is it so cold over here? It's been hot in Texas. What? That is so, that's bizarre. I can't even, yeah. Just point to the door,

like, get the fuck out of here. It's really muggy here in Texas. I thought it would be the same. It's really muggy over here in this other state that is 8,000 miles away from me. That's so weird.

It's crazy. Okay, let's move on to, show me your dick after I show you this. I miss that guy. Yeah weird it's crazy um okay let's move on to to show me your dick after i show you this i miss that guy yeah it's weird not pushing that not hearing that and for like three weeks fuck me up uh okay what's your what's your story what's your dick look like stretch that thing out for me baby all right all right all right this is uh kind of a funny one Because we have I don't know if Do you have a Roomba?

Yes, I put googly eyes on Oogly eyes Googly or oogly? Googly eyes Googly eyes? Not oogly? Oogly sounds weird I don't know

It might be that It might be oogly It sounds creepy Okay, I'm gonna look I guess if you put I'm putting googly eyes Googly eyes Versus oogly eyes

Doing the Lord's work over here. Okay, yeah. What about Betty Davis eyes? Googly eyes or what? She's got Betty Davis eyes. The top question that Google suggested to me, it says, did you mean googly eyes or googly eyes? They just spelled them the exact same.

No, it's not what I meant. You used a search engine that has the word Google in it. So it's going to be biased. Yeah, they're googly eyes. You're right. Yeah. Well, I guess, I mean, yeah, whatever. Anyway.

Back to you. So this story is in Nebraska. Okay. And it's in Bellevue, Nebraska. When I first saw Bellevue, I thought, ooh, a local story, but it's not. And Bellevue, Idaho is where my dad lived. Oh. Yeah, a lot of Bellevues.

Okay. I didn't stop the music right there. I don't know why I just did that. That was creepy. What's going on here? Does Ezra out there running stuff? Okay, go ahead. All right.

So the Bellevue Police Department is reporting an unusual call from its overnight shift. Okay. Officials said on Twitter that they were called to a burglary in progress. But when the officers arrived, the situation wasn't quite as scary as it was made out to be. Okay. The family reported that they heard footsteps

from someone moving around upstairs, so they're thinking, oh my God, someone's in my house. Oh, yeah. Officers instead found a Roomba vacuum scooting around, presumably doing its job. What if you went up there and the room and had shoes on?

He was actually walking. That would be scary. Well, that'd be funny if he had the googly eyes on, too. Because you walk in there and he would look back and you're like, hey, man, doing my job. Whoa, didn't see you there. Yeah. I mean, I get it.

What a waste of time for everybody. Dude, the police come out. Imagine how stupid you would feel. Yeah, they kick the door in.. Imagine how stupid you would feel. Yeah, they all, they kick the door in. SWAT team, freeze! And it's like,

and the eyes are all bouncing around. Runs right into their feet. Yeah. Turns around. Turns around. Goes the other way. Bumps into the other cop

just going back and forth. Or one, or they completely misread, misread the situation. Go in there, throw a fucking hand grenade at it. That doesn't do it. It just starts cleaning up the shrapnel. It's cleaning cleaning up all the then they start unloading on it with like

an ar or something it's still good cleaning up the shell casings like god damn this thing's ruthless at least it would i mean the that's a that's something to be said for um the the quality of the is rumba is that the company that makes Roomba? Yeah, Roomba, it's like one of those things that's like Kleenex. Everyone just calls them a Roomba, but a Roomba is the actual brand, I think. Okay, that makes sense. But it is funny. We've had ours for years, so they are a durable little bastard.

But I have, so it reminded me of this time after we first got our Roomba, we were all in bed, and it was in the middle of the night. Oh, yeah. And it just goes. We had it set up to our phone.

It goes. No, it wasn't even like a positive sound. It wasn't like. It was like. Like battery died. Roomba cannot connect to Bluetooth. I want it to. And so my wife freaked out because she thought maybe someone

was outside and it was trying to connect to that person's bluetooth to their phone and that and then that person walked out of range and it could so that's where her brain went to was like someone was creeping around and ruma tried to connect to their bluetooth but then when you're sleeping i love the three o'clock in my room but cannot click connect to the bluetooth yeah it's and it's that and it's a it's a voice it's a human voice and it just wakes you up in the middle of the night so while that while this story is hilarious because nothing happened i can relate to that waking up to a like oh my god what the hell is that and it was just rumba doing rumba things i have i have two things to add to the story one is uh that our rumba no matter how much i worked with it on it and tried to set its schedule every single wednesday at four

in the afternoon it would go off on its own and i couldn't fucking change it it wouldn't change back no matter what i did on that day it whenever it just kind of plugged itself back in, it was like, fuck it, I'm going off at four on Wednesday. Your room was on the spectrum. It's like, got to go at four. Got to go at four. And then Ezra's like, it's going again! He's just like screaming.

He scared the whole house. You throw him into the lamp because it woke you up? Get up here! Just throw him into the nightstand. Then I also love where your brain as a human goes when you're in that scared state where your wife i just love the idea of a villain or a robber it's like he's going around connecting the roombas like that's like that's his thing he's got his phone he goes out he's like he's available to everyone he just starts everyone's roombas

he's like sits by the window got him got him he just runs away goes toombas. He's like sits by the window. Got him. Got him. He just runs away. Goes to the next house. He's like the Bluetooth Roomba, burglar, whatever. That's his name. Yeah, that's his robber name is the Roomba. Roomba Wrangler. I don't know.

That's me. That's me catching it. What's funny about it is like the only thing he's doing is getting your house cleaned. It's like one of those inconveniences because it wakes you up, but it actually is cleaning your house too. It's funny you say that because one of our petty beefs this week actually has to do with something kind of in that vein. An unknown segue. Are you ready for it?

Yeah. Okay, let's do it. Silence in the court. You are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish.

This is Petty Beef. All right, you ready to get in the first case? Yep. Logan, we love you, by the way. We love you, Logan. We miss your voice. We miss your voice, but here we go. Go ahead.

Get your briefcase out. Snap, snap. Because Julia is sick of her partner not holding up his end when it comes to planning a trip or event he forgets even the most basic of details and wonders why it bothers her so much when things don't go as planned let's talk about it this is such such a dude thing and it's i do it i know i was reading i was like i do this right like this is me this is me uh okay what what what did i what did julia what's her og message okay so kid julia says my partner never thinks he has to hold up his end of the trip or event planning okay this is now ended up with us losing our opportunity to

go away for our anniversary weekend because he never checked wait he never checked that his dog's rabies certificates were up to date even though i had talked to him about needing a copy, my dog certificate to take with us over the border. I love that. Dude. His. My. Yeah. He never thought to check.

And now, the night before we were meant to leave, I learned that we can't go unless we leave the dogs behind and neither of us really wants to do that. Oh, man. Dude, that is so fucked. That's so perfect. This is such a husband thing i don't know why i don't think it's julie i'm sorry that sucks uh that the anniversary weekend got got butched but uh my god i could see the i could see me doing this yeah like anyway um i'm gonna make sure 100 that my dog's certificates are all taken care of before we go on our sweet romantic

anniversary trip all right right, babe. See you when you get back. Yeah. And just fuck it and just totally forget to do it. The night before. That's the worst part too because there's nothing you can do the night before. You're fucked. And then she's just, now she's pissed.

Yeah. And you, it's your fault. Now here I will say, and I might get some hate for this. And this, it's fine. I love animals. I love my dogs. Oh, where is this going kill them no i leave the dogs behind go on your anniversary trip the dogs are going to love you just as much when you

get back maybe you're one of those people that just like that you think of them as your kids and you like them to be wherever you're at leave the kids behind too everybody's everybody's staying home i'm leaving yeah yeah i mean just but they're not i don't care if you think about them as kids they're not kids i think the point here though is that he probably does this sort of thing all the time all the time this is just one example of when he really fucked up okay honey we're leaving the house i'm gonna put my pants on yeah okay you got it and he walks out your pants are still hanging on the thing you got it babe yeah oh damn it always walks out without his pants on. Okay. I'm going to renew my driver's license. Yours needs to be reviewed as well.

Okay, babe. Soon to get back. Just totally fuck it. You have to go to the border. Yeah. I'm renewing my passport. Yours is coming up too. I've done something like that.

But my wife takes care of everything. It's weird. It's kind of one of those things like how it's like how you're alive. Yes. it's weird it's kind of one of those things like how it's like how are you alive yes but it's like i didn't know how my magic my clothes magically just get cleaned i don't even know what happens where has it had nothing on the coffee table again exactly they're just mysteriously gone and that's i think that's how a lot of husbands are amber whenever we go on a trip amber's got everything pat she packs for two weeks to make

sure when we get to where we're going we have everything we need and then when i get there i'm like where's the blah blah blah and she's like it's in the three yeah it's tote three on the left side she has them like organizing a grid yeah a5 but then when i when if i do need something and then it's kind of like i'm like well i don't know where you put it because you packed you know you're the one that ruined this you did this to me everybody yeah you ruined the whole trip this is what you get for being so prepared this is what you get for trying so hard you you you did this and but now you now everyone needs you to move on you know yeah exactly uh this does remind me a little bit of the differences between

men and women packing like for vacation sure it is so comical it always will be i know this isn't a new thing but it does remind me of that where like i'll be packing and uh you know aaron would be like uh just wearing one like just one pair of shoes i'm like yeah well just like yeah the ones i'm wearing like that's it what do i think i go out for a fancy dinner i'm like well i'm like yeah well just like yeah the ones i'm wearing like that's it what about yeah i go out for a fancy dinner i'm like well i'm on vacation these are the only shoes i got so these are not my fancy shoes okay you bring any button-ups yeah one what if it doesn't match you're like then fuck it doesn't match but i'm not that's all that's going in this in the suitcase i'm not doing this uh i count i how long have we gone three days cool three shirts three socks three

pairs of underwear uh not three shoes, one pair of shoes, one pair of pants. That's fucking it. What if something gets on your pants? I guess I'll have some dirty pants. Yeah, then I have a stain in my pants. Right. That's it.

I'm not packing multiple things in case I drop a hamburger in my lap. I haven't done that in like 30 years. So I'm probably not going to do it on vacation. I do it all the time. So I have, when I go, I buy like a new, you know, this, I just buy a pack of shirts, like a pack of clean white shirts and I will spill on them immediately. But I have, you know, four or five other ones. Yeah.

So that's what I do. I just, I throw in like when we went camping, I had two pairs of shorts, one for just wearing around one for swimming. And I had like four or five swimsuit too. I'll bring that white shirts yeah and then that was it and some flip-flops and a pair of shoes in case we walked right somewhere yeah and then amber's got she packs for both boys herself and you and and all the food and everything all i had to do was just get some clothes for me in my bag you had

to wake up yeah you had to wake up and like drive the family to the airport. And it just, and honestly, it's just like my, she'll pack everything. All I have to do is like Tetris everything into the truck or the car. And then I'll be doing that and it won't fit right. So I'll start screaming and yelling and getting pissed off. And then she's like, just let me do it. And then she does it. And then all I did that day was

bitch and moan that i couldn't pack it in and she got it packed in so i really did nothing for the entire trip right well i mean i think that is going to play true for a lot of marriages and relationships and i don't know exactly why that goes out that way but because men and women don't belong together i know we've covered that jesus so but I'm going, I mean, I get what you're saying, but I just don't think it's going to change. No. You know he married. Right.

Well, that can change too. Yeah. Like maybe he used to help. Maybe he used to cook. And now he doesn't do shit. And you wish you were never in this terrible place. Well, maybe she just started doing all of that and she liked doing it. So he was like, all right, you can do it you like doing it yeah she's like no i just

do it oh sorry i misread the i love it's like well you just love doing the dishes so much i didn't want i didn't want to step in and take that away from you i'm doing this because you won't do them you ass i thought that was your favorite hobby what loading the dishwasher is not my hobby it's like i like whittling you like doing the dishes. It's like, I like whittling. You like doing the dishes. I thought we had it figured out. Whittling? Something. I don't know. The old common back story of Big Whittler.

Yeah, he goes out on the porch and just whittles while she's doing the dishes. After dinner, he whittles himself a toothpick after dinner on the porch and she's in there doing all the dishes. Whittle a toothpick? I love the idea of starting with a big-ass stick and then down to a big ass stick and then giant instead of just taking one piece off and making a toothpick all the way down to find one he has like a giant log and just he takes it on a lathe lays it all the way down and then whittles it down into a sharp toothpick can you help me with

the with the the housework yeah one second i'll get everyone done wait he's got his lathe going he's just i didn't know you were a whittling enthusiast. I like you. I want to learn more about this. Whittle me this. Whittle me this. Whittle me this, boy-in. Whittle me this, boy-in.

All right. Okay, here's the second case. Ready? Yep. Parker's girlfriend will often stop doing chores or... Yeah, will often start doing chores or blasting the TV first thing in the morning. He appreciates her helping around the house, but doesn't think it needs to be done at the ass crack of dawn. What do you guys think?

Let's see. This is the men and women thing. I know. It really is. I'm keeping the theme going. So here was the original story. It says, hey, guys, while I do appreciate my girlfriend vacuuming our house regularly i wish that she did not vacuum at 6 30 a.m when i am tired and especially irritated by loud noises

is it unreasonable for me to think that vacuuming could happen later in the day when i am not half asleep additionally it is not vacuuming it is not just vacuuming that early it is the real house wives yelling at each other first thing in the morning because for some reasons he watches that instead of the morning news okay so we got here here we and this reminds me of when like your kids want to help with something like you you do you appreciate it it's cute and they are trying to help out but you also know they're going to absolutely fucking butcher it yep like they're going to do a job that you're like that's great all right now go play then you just fix the stupid shit that they just did but you want them to help how do you tell them no when they want to help and be with you yeah right so in this case you can fucking vacuum then sir and i think that's that would be the

trade-off that i would uh or that would be how i would approach this argument if she's going to vacuum at 6 30 in the morning which i get it's annoying but if you don't want to do that when you wake up you better fucking vacuum then later in the day because she's wanting to do it at a particular time um and but the 6 30 in the morning thing is a little steep i don't know if he's exaggerating um if you live in an apartment complex i would burn down your unit if i was next to you and you started vacuuming at 6 30 in the fucking morning like sorry it's like nope you cannot you can't do that so i get why he's mad uh if it is truly 6 30 that's way too early but if it's like i mean eight i think that's i think that's okay there's a lot to unpack here man i know because it's lifestyle suck up lifestyle schedule, laziness versus, what's the opposite of lazy?

Helpful? Useful? No. Motivated? Motivated. Okay. So, okay. So, let's play out a couple scenarios here.

Maybe he, maybe she works odd hours and she likes to wake up, or maybe she's a person that likes to wake up early in the morning and he likes to sleep in or whatever. It sounds like it. So she just gets bored and wants to clean. There's other things to clean. I get that.

But again, he's not saying it's just the vacuuming. It's also blasting real housewives instead of watching the news. But maybe there's a deeper thing

like she wishes he was up earlier with her to have the coffee or do deeper thing. Like she wishes he was up earlier with her. Yeah. To have the coffee or do whatever thing. Maybe she's resentful because he likes to sleep in. Could be. But if he's working hard and he's trying to sleep and stay rested, I feel like that's a conversation you should be able to have.

And like, let's drop it back an hour and a half. I feel like there's maybe some more details that were needed for this message. Yeah. Because if he's working his ass off, like, does he work late nights and he has to, like, he doesn't get home or go to bed until like 10 o'clock at night. And so he's up until two o'clock, whatever it is. And so, so then fuck you for vacuuming at 630. But we don't know the ins and outs of this thing. Just based off the details here, though. And I do find it funny that he is implying that she blasts the real housewives show i'm

not sure what city uh she watches which is the real housewives of what atlanta probably instead of the morning news like if the morning news on full volume was any better than real housewives like i think he's just he's he obviously from the white house everyone's yelling yeah it's just like i don't know what to think about that. Well, I'll tell you what to think. It's super loud. It's like, ah, music to my ears. Some of those things can be when they get in a feud.

Don't tell you, Jerry! Yeah, exactly. But I feel like there's some deeper stuff going on here, maybe. He probably just cannot stand that she watches Real Housewives. So he hates that show anyway. He's like, why would my girlfriend, what's wrong with her? Why does she watch that show? I like to be informed with real stuff.

She watches that. Fantasyland. To me, that feels like there's something going on there. Because blasting that real, like calling out that show. He must hate that show. I feel like, so that, there's something there. There's something more. Yeah.

The vacuum at 630, I feel like so that there's something there's something more yeah the vacuum at 6 30 i feel like that's yeah yeah he has to be exaggerating i've never lived with somebody or met somebody who's vacuuming at 6 30 in the morning and you is she vacuuming while she's watching so hello oh ezra what's up camera camera 6 flickering that's okay we don't need camera 6 you guys can't hear it right now Ezra is out there

monitoring the cameras right now thank you buddy that's just Brian's computer and we're not showing it so it's okay okay I love you thanks Ez

thank you Ezra yeah so he popped down here I told him to come and check on the on the screen out there to make sure there's no errors you're like in 7 minutes

he counted he had his timer probably upstairs seven minutes going down so one of the yeah one of the cameras was flickering you want to make because i people were saying i was yelling about the dogs barking and they couldn't even hear it because of the software that cuts everything out so they probably maybe couldn't even hear those knocks i want to make sure they know why we just had that pause that was weird that was weird uh uh what what was housewives he must hate that show. Yeah. There's something else there.

What I was saying was, is she vacuuming and watching that show? Because if she's vacuuming, then has to turn it up louder to hear it over the vacuum. Just so loud. Dude, imagine how loud that would be. Those women screaming at each other over the top of a vacuum. If that's the case. You got to move. I think he's got something going on there.

Yeah, serious problem on your hands. Okay, well, I mean, I'm going to have to, if it's not vacuuming, I mean, if she's up before you, she gets to watch the show. I mean, in this house here, the main TV was on the opposite wall of the bedroom. And when Ezra's watching a show out there the bass does carry in there but I just turn up the fan louder in the bedroom to stop that from carrying through the treble is what I'd be worried about

I'm just saying I'm not going to go out there and scream at it unless it's obnoxiously loud but if she's cleaning as long as she's not vacuuming and she wants to watch a show while she's cleaning you have to figure out a way to drown out the sound yourself she is helping she's awake she gets to have a life she's not the creep around when you're just because you're sleeping and she's in the other part of the house i still think there's something more to this man i think like she's holding the vacuum

above him like she's vacuuming the comforter yeah i feel like she wishes that he wasn't sleeping in because like i know you're saying this this thing's on the rocks i'm saying there's something She wishes that he wasn't sleeping in because I know some women- You're saying this thing's on the rocks. I'm saying there's something going on because I know there's times when if Amber and I have been in an argument or something, when she does the dishes a little bit extra louder, you know, like- Clank. Clank.

You hear it. I'm so tired I want to sleep in, but she had to get up with the kids or whatever. Oh, yeah. You're going to hear those dishes ramming into the thing. The cupboards that don't normally make noise. Yeah. They're making a little noise. Exactly.

So. Okay. I feel like there's, I feel like if I'm wrong, let me know. Yeah, you can send it in. But I, we're missing some details.

I hope you guys are doing great. Parker, I hope you and your girlfriend are, it's a wonderful relationship. And it's not, and it's exactly what it is right here and there's no other details going on

but please write in and give us some more so we can make an official ruling because I don't think we can do something with this and I want to hear

from the girlfriend too we can't hear her over the vacuuming so that's going to be a problem she's going to be screaming into something it's all caps

it's going to be caps yeah and then I have one quick story before we move on to the good news for this week and this just is jumping back to uh having kids help you do stuff this happened to my friend who has a has

a kid and kids are dumb we all know that so he has a pretty big lawn i'm not sure how big but he lives kind of he lives out of town so it's probably a couple an acre maybe a couple acres um and he paid his son to mow the entire thing, right? So, or not, he had to mow like the front part because then, because you, with all the trees and stuff, you can't, it's not easy for the riding lawnmower, that kind of thing. So his son decides to help out and mow the lawn. He didn't, he just watched him get it started and he was old enough to do it. So he let him go.

And then when he's all done, he comes in. He goes, look, dad, I did it. And he looks out there and like everything slanted. And he goes out there and looks at it. And his son had the wheels set to different heights. So it cut all the grass at an angle. That's funny. It had like little racing stripes where one part was like half an inch.

And then the other part was an inch and a half. And it was just like the kid never noticed what was happening and just cut angle slices that's funny because i've done the front and the back thing before but never the sides that's funny yeah i must i'm guessing it must have been an older lawnmower because like the front moves and i've seen those i think i i just got rid of that where they don't adjust at the same time like now it goes up and down but these ones it was like left and right, left and right. You had to move each one. All four, you have to.

And then it was a pain in the ass. Sometimes you'd catch your finger putting it in there. Why is it so hard to push? Am I a big baby? My mom, I just went, I mowed her lawn when I was home back. She has this, it's like, you know, I had cruise control. But it was sweet cruise control. And I had a mulch and bag option.

It was like a freaking Escalade. It was nice. She got it when she bought her car. They her for free honda what i never okay i never even thought about buying a car and having them toss on a lawnmower yeah that's what they did and it wasn't like a piece of shit lawnmower it was like yeah a doozy of a lawnmower it sounds like best lawnmower everything i've ever ever touched yeah laid i laid hands on yeah i almost wanted a crv just just to get the lawnmower i'm not i mean we don't have time to go into this but now i'm just thinking about weird shit you can wrangle into a car sale like i don't know pretty good deal but i could use a smoker

what air fryer i need a patio chair just one chair right oh well i mean yeah a hell of a deal on this minivan i can use a ceiling fan though yeah no problem you got it three speed yeah one that goes real quick then you have to pay to get it installed no no no fucking no no fucking no you don't oh it's dealership installation and installation better be covered you got it man jesus christ you toss in installation you got it man jesus christ you toss in installation you got yourself a deal all right enjoy your new tesla on the paper okay enjoy your lamborghini like you're just you're buying a hundred a thousand dollar you won't buy it unless they pitch in with a fucking toss on a ceiling fan

i love that because it's like a crv is kind of one of those things like is it a crv or one of these things like it's like a middle class kind of car like maybe a lawnmower could sway you but if you're going to buy a lamborghini like a bugatti yeah but you're like throwing that ceiling fan you got yourself a deal could use an air fryer they're like what fuck fine three hundred thousand dollars on a car and a sixty dollar air fryer. They're like, what? Fuck, fine. It's like $300,000 on a car and a $60 air fryer. But you know what would look really good in this car? What? New pair of shades?

Yeah. One of those window shades. Looks like American flag and an eagle. One that looks like Lightning McQueen. Yeah. You're like, all right. You got it, buddy. Ka-chow.

Ka-chow. All right, let's look at some good news. You ready? All right. Okay. So you're telling me there's a chance hooray we are doomed

yeah alright so this was a story I came across and had to put it on the show because it is it is so nice

and it just reminds me that everybody's terrible and it's out of Florida so ooh positivity out of Florida sometimes a good thing happens in Florida

man gave away $13,000 to strangers to spread mom's message. In a world full of cynicism and negativity, some small but persistent acts of kindness by people can offer hope. A Twitter thread, which is now going viral, has shared one such story of a man who gives money to strangers in a hope of spreading the message of universal love. On Sunday, Kevin Cate, an ad maker, tweeted a photo of an old man sitting in a restaurant table with a bunch of loose cash and small pieces of paper that had love everybody written on them. So what he would do is he would sit in this same Waffle House in Midway, Florida, and then he would write these notes on either one dollar or five dollar note and then he would give it to him and he just says love everybody and he just walks around and hands them out and to date yeah he's handed out thirteen thousand dollars uh all in the name of his mom who he you know obviously admired her passion and in her care

for fellow man but how cool is that that's pretty sweet i and it's sad in a way that it me maybe other people that would happen and you probably how many people went no thanks just like in a weird scared thing like is this guy a weirdo yeah or if he's gonna give me money and he's gonna expect something from me like i don't want your dollar it's a peasant like just weird shit whatever the reason is i wonder how many people were like, no thanks. You can keep it.

Well, it would kind of suck as if you see it, like say he had a 20. I pull up in a Lamborghini and he's like, love everybody. Fucking slap the $5

out of his hand. Get the fuck out of here, Mr. Kate. Put your shades on and walk into the Waffle House with my new microwave. Hey, where can I plug this bitch in? Get the fuck out of my way.

Shoving your head, like just carrying in a fucking air fryer? Under your arm. Under your arm? Fuck you. Do I look like I need your dollar? Piss off. Jesus Christ. Waste my fucking time. See, that would be more of a florida story

yeah that'd be more florida than than this nice guy doing nice stuff but i i think it'd be kind of funny like this guy if you're sitting in that waffle house and you see someone walking by and he like hands the guy at 20 says love everybody and the person's like oh wow thank you and you're like oh i gotta get in on that some action you walk over there and he like hands the guy a 20, says love everybody. And the person's like, oh, wow, thank you. And you're like, oh, I got to get in on that some action. You walk over there and he like hands you a one. Love everybody. Well, not really, huh, Kevin? Well, the other guy got 20.

I guess love him a little more though, am I right? I'm just fucking with you. Yeah. Okay, slap him. Hey, thanks for nothing, buddy. Wait around for him to give you more. Just do the little, the home alone. Yeah, keep going. The gum thing. Yeah. Plenty more where that came from. the little, the home alone, the gum thing.

Plenty more where that came from. No, I'm all set, sir. Okay. Remember that? Okay. You remember that scene. Okay. So last episode, which was six months ago, I skipped this because I wanted to make sure

that we had time to do it. Time to give it its proper air to breathe. So we're going to move on. It looks like my underwear is so itchy. All right. Cool. air to breathe. So we're going to move on. My underwear is so itchy. Cool. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your

browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Alright together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome!

All right, Blyan. This is... I have been so excited to show this, not to you, but also the rest of our kids. Because I don't know why I find this. This is exactly... When I go on to the World Wide Web. W-W-W. The World Wide Web.

World Wide Web dot W-W-Www this is exactly the shit that I want to find this is a website that's called outhorse so what they have done you click on the link because I can't show you my computer I'm pulling it up right now so this is in Iceland

and I don't know how this idea came to be so they have horses that will type your away emails when you're on vacation. What? It's a giant keyboard and there's horses walking on the keyboard. And they train the horses to walk around on the keyboard. And you pick a horse? And you pick which horse you want. You pick the horse you want.

You pick the horse you want. They have names that you're never going to be able to pronounce. But they do have... Littla starna frajavi futolti. But Littla, he types fast but might take a nap. And then Hrenmeiner,

assertive, efficient, shiny hair. Hekla, friendly, trained, and corporate buzzwords. Oh my God. God, this is so funny. So yeah, they just show these horses how to walk on keyboards.

And what you do is you pick a horse, and then you enter your name, when you're going on vacation, then you enter your email, and then they'll set up your away message. So when people write you, they just get back like L-L-L-J-J-J-W-W-X-R-R-R-T because you can outhorse your email. Oh, my God. Oh, how high were they when they came up with this? So outsource, but outhorse.

See? You're putting it all together here um but it's on visit i visit iceland.com and then slash out horse dash your dash email um he's really giving it to that keyboard yeah custom built gigantic keyboard uh there's a full video that you can watch we're not going to watch it right now uh but please go and check this out i don't know why this is so fucking funny to me but he's just they put like i don't they put food or smellies but yeah they'll uh they go on there and they'll type your type your uh away messages that's it you just want to flick at it with this hook just very assertive uh right, that was it. That's funny. I guess... It just says nay when someone emails you. Nay!

W-W-W-J-J-R-R-K-F-F-F-T-T-T-T-T-T. Okay, moving on. We're going to hear from some of our kids right now. You ready? Yeah. All right. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really?

You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, our first email is coming in from our popcorn-loving child, Butters, who writes, I don't know whose name is this. Hey, guys, long-time listener. I've been with you guys since the beginning. We get it. First-time emailer?

Must be. On your recent episode, you guys discussed a prisoner choosing how he wanted to die, and it was very close to a real thing that has happened. My cousin lived a crazy life from hitting a $10,000 half-court shot wearing cowboy boots and jeans to getting arrested in Canada for COVID violations and getting a nickname for it. You can Google Alaskan Romeo. In February of 2021, he went missing. found his jeep parked at the grand canyon but the motorcycle he was always hauling around was gone you guessed it he fell on louise himself off a cliff into the canyon the why came later when he's about to get popped for defrauding the government by making up 75 employees to get 1.25 million in that pPP loan. Oh my God, dude.

I have a sense of humor about it because it's so out of left field. Kind of a downer story, but if you want to use it, you can leave my real name out. You can just call me Butters. Thanks, idiots. Someone did it.

Did it. It wasn't on fire and it wasn't an RV. Yeah. Still pretty damn cool, though. I know, but what a crazy life. I love that, like the he said pretty crazy life and the two examples yeah the highlight yeah was winning ten thousand dollars hitting a half court shot wearing cowboy boots and jeans like that was the the apex yeah of this dude's

well i mean how many people get to do that and get the nickname alaskan roman how many people get to take even attempt the shot and then did he make it or just attempt it? He must have made it. Dude. Life from hitting it. Okay. He did hit it. You went $10,000 for missing a half court shot?

No, I was thinking like he just got to attempt it. That was his claim to fame was just getting to attempt it. No, he won 10 grand. Yeah. Oh, that's awesome. And it was something good that happened in Cowboy Bricks. Probably what he bought his motorcycle with. Okay.

Maybe. Or like, he started like, he hired one employee and he's like, this is working out pretty good. I'm going to fake hire 74 more. 1.25 million. How do you think you're going to get away with that? I don't know. But fuck, if he did, that'd be cool.

What would it be like? How did you know you were in too deep? When you're like, oh shit. Like when it actually worked and you 1.25 million did you do anything cool with that money before you yeeted yourself into the grand canyon so many questions you know butters might have answers what it would have been cool is if he had like in a backpack and he's just ripping it up yeah opens it up it's just going out the back as he goes off the jump there's just a trail of cash. Smoking a cigar. Yeah. Just slow-mo GoPro mounted.

You know what would be kind of cool? What? It's just, like, let's say you don't want to hit the, well. I would just say, like, you do that so you get the rush of falling, but then you pop yourself. What? You know, like, so you don't actually hit the ground. I think it's half a dicks in one hand, two in the other, whoever the saying goes.

Because what if you did live? You're not living. You never know. What? Things could happen. What are you talking about? You land not so bad. Give me 100 dudes on motorcycles, okay?

And jump into the Grand Canyon. 101 of them are dying. No one's coming out being like, ow, like, oh man, I broke everything. But there's always one exception. There's no way you're not into the Grand Canyon on a motorcycle. What if you land in like a tree and you don't fall so hard

and you just break everything. You're going to hit maximum velocity into a tree branch. You're not, no one's coming out. You never know. Okay. Weirder things have happened have they have they i don't know uh okay you read our second story okay our second email is from our son cody uh wait i can't read damn it our second email from our son cody was found folded into a paper airplane and stuck in a plant good one you're so funny thank you i'm so funny so clever i wrote that one yeah someone hire me i don't have a job i read it like i didn't read write it so yeah i read it like i didn't even read it at all okay

what do you say uh okay fellas i'm 46 and i don't really care if I'm hanging dong in the locker room. Okay. So he starts early. But if I don't just dilly-dally and air dry my... Wait. But I don't just dilly-dally... I heard dilly-bar, and I started thinking of Dairy Queen. Okay. But I don't just dilly-dally and air dry my shit.

I was in the Army for 22 years, and we didn't have separate shower stalls. Hell, in some places, we didn't even have stalls in the sitter i'm guessing the shitter probably just a row of toilets i suppose it's all about your experience with the dick watching people peeing a cup yep i've done that setting up a concertina wire and uh tearing the shit out of your pants while going commando yes been there too i'm at i'm at the who gives a shit what anyone thinks point get naked get showered get dry and don't fuck around talking ball games stats ball that that'll just get weird love the show guys solid three five three to five stars and sorry for the long email that wasn't

that long no long as this long as this balls you know what i mean yeah i know what you mean ps uh it's that's from cody ps go fuck your ketchup bullshism that is all a good day all right okay so he's going dick out and i think he answered the question i was wondering when will i stop giving a shit about my dick being out in the locker room cody says it's 46 46 years old maybe he's been doing this for a long time i'm an army for 22 years maybe he's been he's been dicks out since the army that's what i was gonna say but you can't here's the thing cody thank you for your service but but anyway the you because you are comfortable with the dick out in the locker room does that mean everyone else wants your dick out in the locker room those guys those old fucking guys are comfortable with their dicks too

that's not what we're talking about no that's just i where where do we go where's the line and i guess he's saying just get you get your dick out and fucking dry off and get your pants on so don't stand there hands on the hips being like how about the ems last night that's the difference lost another one if you're taking a shower you get over there and you're standing there naked with your towel and you're kind of like even if you're drying your hair you're drying your legs and you're standing there naked fine but it's just the it's the casual okay i'm not even drying off anymore i'm just standing here having a casual conversation that's the weird part okay yeah if you're just standing there and you're actually in motion doing something like cartwheels getting dread if you're yeah if you're making some attempts to do something

it's not weird just doing jumping jumping jacks. Helicopter. Helicopter? Yeah. I never heard it. I guess helicopter. Yeah, I have a song called Helicopter. That's funnier and better. Yeah.

See, you're funny too. And that's cool. Yeah, that was way better than your line. I know that. Fuck. It's so hot in here. Are you ready to get out of here? Yeah, I'm sweating.

My ass itches. Well, it feels good to be back in the figurative saddle with you, Mr. Brian. Yeah, I'm glad we got through one just to kind of get it out of the way and get back into it a little bit. Yep. And again, you can support us on Patreon. Everybody, all the silly geese that are on there right now, thank you so much for your support. That is going to be the main way for a very long time this show even gets to keep going uh and again we are we will be looking to hire a producer down the line we'll figure out what that goal looks like head over to patreon we'll have a link in the episode

description if you want to support us on there and we'll get some stuff in there soon yeah we've been slacking because there's all these things have been going on our first month on patreon was a real fucking bad time. We did very little bonus content. That's not the way it's going to be. It's going to be a lot of fun there, so keep your eyes peeled for that. Something you want to see on the show, email that to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. And that's pretty much it.

Are you ready to wrap this shit up? Let's wrap her up like a... A what? A wiener. A wiener in a locker room. Yeah, that's right. Are you ready to wrap this shit up? Let's wrap her up like a... A what? A wiener. A wiener in a locker room. Yeah. That's right. There you go.

Okay. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Okay. Sent our way by Comedy School dropout son, Randall. I got one for you. Ready? Yep.

What did the socks say to the pants? I don't know. Sup, britches? Oh. Because britches are pants. And bitches have pants. And bitches. Have pants too.

And it's almost bitches. There's just an R in there. Mm-hmm. You're getting it. It's all coming together. Love you, buddy. Good to be back. Yes.

I'll see you next week. I'm excited. Yeah. All right. We'll see you guys next week. Goodbye. Good to be back? Yes. I'll see you next week. I'm excited. All right. We'll see you guys next week. Goodbye!