Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Large Python. Baby Jumping. Bagel. Good Acid.

Episode Date: March 27, 2024

Pro Tip: If the success of your murder plot pivots on having a large python eat one of your intended targets, you should probably rethink your entire murder plot. Let's talk about that, decking a mascot while on acid at a basketball game, happily filming content for your mom's OnlyFan's account, ordering a hot air balloon ride using Uber, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/lal6ukKKGGASend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Large Python, Baby Jumping, Bagel, Good Acid you god you look good today so do you thanks man looking in mirror yeah people thought that anyway but now it's now it's super miri we're wearing these matching hawaiian like golf sweaters you're wearing cassies i am and we're i don't have the boobs for it but it's uh but it's there you're doing it oh damn what you gotta go okay so we have to we have to play this there's all of us we're losing our shit and then we are just gonna move on like we didn't just do what we just did and we decided we have to bring it bring it into the show we hope we hope you guys like this okay okay here we go yeah yeah yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah yay yay you guys heard a song with david lee. Yeah. All right. Now I feel like we can officially move on. Yeah.

That would have been haunting us. That was fun. Episode 93. Thank you guys for being here. Look at my gloves back on. Oh, yeah. I got one. We have one feels like enough today.

We have freaking Hawaiian golf shirts on. I'm not sure how to feel. Like friendly, but also a little scared. Yeah. It's like if you cut in front of me on the course, there's gonna be a hell to pay but until then fucking Mahalo Play through excuse me You tell me get your nine iron. I don't know you tell me you tell me he's playing through what? It's about to play through your fucking job. You ask me one more time

Thank you to everyone who supports us on patreon get the bonus bonus content, exclusive merch, early access to merch, questions. We answer your questions on the back end of the bonus stuff. So you can find a link in the episode description or head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Send stuff in. Hey, guys, at can you don't podcast dot com. That includes all the segments. Petty beef. Just some dick.

Some dick. You got Confessions, You got just weird shit, happy shit, jokes, whatever good stuff you find on the internet, that's the email address you send it in. And speaking of that, we have not had, although I can't, I don't ever stop thinking about it, but we just haven't talked about hot air balloons on the show for a bit.

Well, it's funny that this was in the show, because last night I was watching, kids were watching YouTube videos. And it was like Mr. Beast and he had an air balloon thing on there. Or no, no, it was Mark Rober. And the air balloon gave out and I was like, oh, weird. Oh, weird. Who's going to die? An air balloon crashed to the ground.

You turn it off. Big surprise. This is for 18 plus. Right. This should be mature audiences only. is going to die yeah but we had a couple articles sent in uh sent for this first one sent in by our son matthew um i mean it's sad but you're not going to be surprised can you imagine being in this but man falls to death from hot air balloon passengers traumatized yeah uh makes sense yeah i'm not gonna get into it

but they couldn't land obviously because and it just kept floating miles away so they watch this dude fall out of the hot air balloon to his death like just in a neighborhood and they just float a couple miles away yes yesterday i saw a guy can't do and can't do anything about it like how quiet like you know that uh like something happens at the dinner table right like you know husband wife like snapping each other i don't know how about you tell me about the bacon and then like all you hear for the rest of dinner is the plate silverware clinking Yeah And like some kid Has the The balls People are like Can you pass the gravy boat And that's all you hear

Like I don't know You asked your mom And then back to That's all you hear Until you hear A man fall out of the sky And land on someone's Right

Fucking So that happens PT cruiser Then that happens And for the miles You drift away What's everyone doing In the wicker basket

Yeah He's being like That was pretty crazy huh He's probably fine He's probably basket? He's being like, that was pretty crazy, huh? He's probably fine. He's probably fine, right? He's probably fine, right? He probably had a parachute, right? There were probably trees that he could have landed in. I mean, you guys give everyone parachutes, right? Obviously.

It seems like a standard procedure in a hot air balloon. These things are so crazy. You've got to put a parachute on it. If you're a thousand feet in the air, you'd think you'd have a safety... Some sort of safety net. Hey, Zach, what were zach what were you gonna say yesterday i saw or two days ago i saw somebody in a hot air balloon go right into power lines yeah and it blew up the that one makes the rounds is it is it old yeah but thank god they survived that no way i was gonna say thank you i thought you're gonna say thank god someone filmed it that way we were able to watch it over

and over again. Because it makes the rounds. It feels like at least, I don't know, like every month, month and a half. It disappears. And then our Instagram, you open it up and it's like, oh, you know, 60 new messages. And 59 of them are that. Funny. So you just get to watch it over.

It's a zap in that video. If you've seen it, you know what we're talking about. It's crazy that when a balloon accident happens, I think of you two. That's a good thing. Good marketing, guys. Thank you. We're doing our best. So you went a different direction than I thought you were going with it.

When you said that it was so silent when people were like, oh, that was something, huh? I was thinking about the family because he landed in a residential area. Oh, so down below. I was thinking the people eating dinner. They in an argument and then it's silent and all of a sudden alarm goes off the dude fell on the pt cruiser yeah the dad he's like he looks out the blinds like god not what i needed today another fucking hot air balloon i just washed my car god you after the day I've had, last thing I need is a dead

body in my fucking yard. It's just cartoonish. Cartoonish. Lay out like this. Yep. Anyway, sad. But that leads me to this next article. This was sent in by our son, Kyle.

What do you think about this? Fucking Kyle. Uber introduces hot air balloon rides in Turkey. Oh, come on. Users can now use the app to tick a cappadocia? Yeah, sure. Sunrise balloon right off their bucket list. That is not on my bucket list.

No. That's what's safe to say. That's a good pun, though. It's never going to make my bucket list. Hot air balloon and bucket. no that's what's safe to say that's a good pun though it's never gonna make my bucket list hot air balloon and bucket i like it i like what they did there list maybe basket list check it off your basket list and then burn the list but no they're experiencing uh or they're experimenting with it where you can open it up and uh book a fucking hot air balloon for your destination we should be going the opposite direction doing less of this but how funny like imagining you are you are hammered right ride share it

like it's a christmas party or something right and you're like you know you need a ride like no it should be outside said So then it just landed. And you get out, you open the door. You Brian! And you're checking around. You're making sure it's the right hot air balloon. Right, right. Before you get in. It says, and the thing, it says red hot air balloon.

Multicolored hot air balloon. It says SpongeBob SquarePants hot air balloon. Not to be confused with Scooby-Doo. You walk out and you look up and it's just a giant fucking Spongebob hot air balloon.

You ever had an Uber where they're like, the guy, someone cancels and the guy's like, well, I'm here, do you need a ride? Imagine that happened.

Like, oh, you're Spongebob? He's like, yeah, but I just got a cancellation and you want to go? I'm like, nah, I got Clifford on the way. Clifford's coming. Yeah.

Yeah. But Clifford's not going to be here. He's inbound. Clifford looks like he's about 20 knots. I'm not going to be riding in that. That's for sure. Oh my God. Good luck getting home.

Imagine them running into like a line of, excuse me, they're trying to stay in their area, but you don't know where they're going to go. Fucking valet parking a hot air balloon? Get your card. No, no, no.

No, I had the Spongebob. This is clearly Darth Vader. Dora the Explorer. Dora the Explorer. Dora. Oh my god. You ever driven one of these things to the valet like he's like you got keys for it and he goes no you just pull this but put it in valet mode where it doesn't go quite as fast you might want to park it on top of the parking garage

i don't think it's going to fit inside just a big landing pad for for hot air balloons but i just the the proximity marker of like where do you need to go? Kinda. I just need to get to the west side of town. In five square miles. Yeah, within five to ten. You pay more to have a more precise five mile radius to home.

I could have used a hot air balloon today. I mean, that's about the only time I think I'd want to take a ride. Or a flying car. That's neither here nor there. Let's Or a flying car. Yeah, or that. You know, that's not neither here nor there. Let's fire up the show. Let's get rolling.

Fired up. All right. It's been so long, just... Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. All right. I think we should make a full version of that song we wrote. Yeah?

Yeah. A full version would suck. Spotify, just... Speaking of which, I just have to say, Sex on Me is on Spotify. Mm. And is by far his number one played song. Mm. Just wanted to let everyone know that.

You're doing well, people. Yeah, thanks to the kids. Thanks for checking that one out. This was sent in by our son, Charles. Okay. We tweaked it a little. But it says, Would you rather be a security guard This was sent in by our son, Charles. We tweaked it a little. But it says,

Would you rather be a security guard at the world's most violent, dangerous, cop-hating prison for one year, working a standard 9-5 every day, and you get 10 million bucks at the end of that one year, or be a prisoner in the world's most soft and safe bitch boy prison for two years, but you only leave with 50K. My first thought here. But you're getting pampered and you're probably getting out alive, which is pretty cool. Well, I guess my thought is I've never been in prison. Not yet. But there are already

There are people that work at those Mm-hmm Prisons already And they're just making their salary Yeah So they're making it through Yeah But

We're talking like the most They hate you At any moment They're going to try and kill you So and the other way is like Bitch boy You are taken care of But they're going to try and kill you so and the other way is like you are taken care of but they might want to get you get the freak on with you sure i think like can i hear bitch boy i hear like yeah you're making the rounds i hear you i think it's like um picturing like a prison

that someone in hollywood with a bunch of money would go to and they got in trouble for like tax fraud yeah that's like a burger king at it yeah yeah like yeah they're gonna take care of you like i don't think my pillow's right and like you have to you have to stay inside the same building but it's not the same experience as whatever terrible prison i don't even know san quentin is that a terrible prison is that a thing even a thing yeah san quentin's pretty bad nice any one of those california ones but like they just they want to kill you i feel like i could i could make them laugh maybe i'm just you try to be so funny they're like well i can't kill the joke machine well then now but now you're all you you're always on you like you get every time you walk in they make me laugh i tell you the one about the nazis did you hear the one about the naz Nazi who tried to change a light bulb?

Trying to relate with your fucking jokes? Did you hear the one about the police officer that went in? Please don't kill me. Yeah, he's like, remember... Remember the one about the young man that didn't kill the police officer? Yeah, I was going to say, remember the police officer is like, he was really sorry that he... Sorry that his hands were tied and he couldn't get you the extra cigarettes that you really wanted even though you said you're gonna kill him and his family when you get out you ever hear that one

you ever hear that one i'll tell you when i'll tell you when we get out of here i gotta stay alive if you ever want to hear the punchline don't fucking kill me it's really good punchline i'll tell you right when we get out i'm the only one that knows this joke though so you can't kill me and then take your 10 million and build Fort Knox. So that you have to never tell that admit, that punchline. Or you go in there just swinging. Knock people around and be like, all right. Look at us.

I know, but we're not doing anything. You thought that you could take somebody out the last time we had a prison conversation. I could turn. If I had to turn and be angry punchy, I could do it to survive, but that's definitely not who I am. I avoid confrontation

at all costs. But if I had to, I know I could throw some punches. That sounds terrifying to me. I don't think I'd want to do the... I don't want to be anywhere near a maximum prison. Especially with a target on your back. It's already one thing to work there when you know the shit that could go down.

I've never been there, but I've seen the TV documentaries and stuff. I've seen what people do. So two years of... Family gets to visit you things are pretty good and you just stay alive and you get out with 50k conjugal visits yeah with palmula henderson yeah i don't know it seems like it's just you have to do a cell thing, but it's not a prison. You're not scared of dying.

You get to, the showers are fine. Everyone's supportive. They count your reps in the yard. They're supportive. Yeah, they support you. They want the best for you. And then the other one is they want you to die. But you get $10 million if you make it through.

Is that enough for therapy for the rest of your life to be scared of everyone? It kind of sounds thrilling though, doesn't it? I don't know. The idea of like- How scary could it be? Well, if they want to kill you, it's really scary. I guess what job do I have? I mean, it says security guard, but there's a lot of different types of security guards

in a prison. Do I get to stand in a sniper tower? Yeah should all day long do that for sure for 10 million am i the guy that's got to take the guy into the showers no no i'm not gonna make it am i the guy that tells someone no yeah don't don't shake that you shouldn't do that no that's a bad idea Give me that shank Give me the shank I'll give it back to you when we're done Okay, but only if you're good What's your sentence?

57 years? Okay I'll hang on to it I'll hang on to it When you get out I'll put it under a rock You come see me You come see me

Actually, don't come see me I'll come see you We'll have a meeting place in 57 years i'll be in fort knox and i'll leave it outside my private gate i'll have someone bring it to you i'll have someone deliver it to you don't fucking find me please i think i just have to i don't know zach what do you think where are you going are you risking your life for 10 million yeah probably yeah yeah i, you're huge. Sniper Tower would be a good spot I'd go for that.

I don't feel like we get to... Yeah, I feel like you got to be... I feel like that's part of the gamble. It's part of the gamble. You don't know what they're going to make you do. I feel like... And you're coming in as a rookie. They're going to make you do the fucking shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like you got to do the bitch... Like, you got to be... In the trenches. You're in the yard. Right? Like, I feel like you got to do the bitch. Like, you got to be... In the trenches? You're in the yard. Right? Like, I feel like you got to be in the yard to make it worth $10 million. I think they would look at you and be like, you're not going to the yard.

Look at you. Fucking nerd. You fucking dweeb. What? You're going to go to the library. Go check out books. Shit happens in the library, though, too. They rip out pages and

put shit happens when you shanks in there it's happening right that's that's the scary part yeah i mean the the the library is where people meet to talk about their plans exchange shanks shaw shank redemption shank exchange down there at the library um yeah i think i'm picking it 10 million is enough for me to just have to buckle in for a year and try and pull it off to get out and be fine not just like me but also you do the right thing with 10 million you set your you know you set your kids up and you have generational wealth and like things are you put yourself in a pretty good spot with 10 million oh yeah throw it in a dividend stock just staying alive for two years and getting 50k and missing your kids and being fucking lonely i don't know you won't be lonely at least you get to leave the fucking prison

at nine to five you get to get out of there and still have a life it's only 365 days i'm doing 10 mil i'm doing 10 mil. I'm doing 10 mil. Same. Yeah. They're most likely not going to kill you, but they might rough you up a little bit. Yeah. If it was that big of a deal. People wouldn't work there. Yeah. And you hear a story every single, like it was super, super dangerous.

At least once a week you hear about a fucking security guard getting killed, but you got a bunch of guns and they don't. So I don't know i'm taking it i'm taking it's gonna be rough but i'm doing it maybe i think it might be worth the gamble yeah all right damn we're about to have 30 million dollars we can build our own prison it's gonna be sweet and lock up god we can privatize our own yeah high security that's the thing is that you invest the money we just just buy a prison. Buy the same prison? Yeah, we buy the prison and then we make lots of money. And then unlock all the doors and then film a reality TV show?

We have so many fucking license plates. It's going to be awesome. Okay, let's move off to what are you thinking about? Okay. All right. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about?

You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit? What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Okay. This one I called and, uh, well, I didn't call you, but I left you a little voice message. Uh, this past weekend, very busy weekend, was just packing up and doing a bunch of shit and moving, moving around and getting out of houses and apartments and combining shit.

And as I was driving, whatever, it was Monday, maybe? Monday morning, I was bringing a trailer back to U-Haul. So I'm heading up to beautiful North Spokane. Worsh. Gorgeous. It's gorgeous up there. Right by the Y? Well, not that far today. gorgeous up there right by the white. I was that well not that far today

It's beautiful this time of year It's a good 40 minute drive from my house. Yeah, so it's also in the same city Yeah, they got some work to do up there They gotta get that freeway done. That's it. I'll be done I think you'll see that I think it'll be finished anytime in our lifetime no 20 more years 20 more years okay we can make it uh anyway if you're from this area you know what we're talking about they basically are trying to build this like bypass north south freeway and then they just keep cutting all the funding so it gets built in fucking hundred yard chunks like one every three years it looks great can't wait to drive on it but i was driving up there and i was uh

heading by a mcdonald's and it was actually the uh the same mcdonald's from the old man's shitty fucking diaper story where throwing up in our fucking sweatshirts just the worst right so same one but i'm cruising by and they have the little uh sign out front like they do with the black lettering on it and it just said it said the bagel breakfast sandwich is and then all caps finally back finally the bagel breakfast sandwich is finally back and i read it i didn't really think much of it i was like i'm kind of hungry but the more i was driving i was like who the who's losing sleep over bringing the fucking bagel breakfast sandwich back? Like, why is this so much excitement?

All caps? Is someone, did another man drive by and just, you know, call, yeah? Yeah, babe? You are not going to believe what's back. Uh-huh. Yeah, clear your schedule. The bagel breakfast sandwich is here. No believe what's back. Uh-huh. Yeah, clear your schedule. The bagel breakfast sandwich is here. No, it's okay.

No, I'll cancel golf. We're eating fucking sandwiches this weekend. Woo-hoo! We're going to eat more bagel fucking, what is it? Bagel breakfast sandwich. Bagel than we've ever. No. We've got to load up because it's going to be gone soon.

More than last time. Right. Yeah, last time the bagel breakfast sandwich was back. Every time you eat a little bit more. Mm-hmm. Because you'd never know if it's going to be gone soon. More than last time. Right. Yeah. Last time the bagel breakfast sandwich was back. Every time you eat a little bit more because you'd never know if it's coming back. And then also in that same vein, I was thinking about like the limited time kind of offers, but where they always pitch like it's back. Sorry for a limited time, right? Like, did they get it?

What prompted this? Like what thing on the food delivery system on the distribution did they get it? What prompted this? Like, what thing on the food delivery system, on the distribution, did they get so much of? Like, do we, like, the CEOs and stuff are on the phone, like, do we get enough bagels to bring it back? Can we bring it back yet? Can we bring it back? No, we don't have enough bagels yet. Okay. All right.

So. People are getting antsy. People are getting antsy. We have to bring this thing back. I've got several emails. Gerald has called me three times this week and he's just, he's demanding. We bring back the bagel breakfast sandwich. You know, he's the guy that's retired and doesn't have anything going on.

You know, he loves those. He's not alone. Like they're just having this weird conversation. He goes, I don't care what it takes. We need more bagels. Okay, boss. Yes, sir. And he's just like, he's out on the streets.

He's like, you know, doing the leg work, walking around like. The CEO. Yeah. He's, you know, he's handing out 20s, like in dark alleys. He's like, he's like, here are some more bagels. He's like, I don't know if that's enough. He's like, I heard some people talking about some bagels. I heard rumblings of bagels.

Maybe this will refresh your memory. He brings another 20 out and he's like, yeah, my buddy Luis says. I may have heard something about that. I might have heard something. Yeah, I think there's a couple jalapeno cheddars. At least 400. You have to hit my buddy. He's like, thank you.

And then pulls his trench coat up. Fucking walks off on a search. Walks back into the shadows. Fucking back into the shadows to find some more bagels so they can finally bring back the bagel breakfast sandwich. But the same thing with the McRib. Yeah. Like, this is just a matter of time

for them to make the rib pressings and they have to stockpile enough rib pressings to have a McRib off. I picture the people, like, you know, tomorrow is the day that we bring back the McRib.? I picture the people, like, you know, tomorrow is the day that we bring back the McRib. So I need everybody on their A game. Because we're going to have a line around

the block. They're expecting this McRib. And they're going to get it. They're going to get their McRib. And while this was on my mind, a commercial came on, probably watching Game Show Network, and it was a Honey Nut Cheerios commercial. And it was the same type of shit and uh it was a honey nut cheerios commercial and it was the same type of shit and it was like the shape uh probably upstairs uh it was the

shape that stole your heart and they brought back the heart-shaped fucking cheerio i didn't know that existed who cared what i didn't know that existed either who exactly they're telling me that like how pumped i should be that they put the Cheerio in a heart shape. Fuck yeah, guys. Have you seen what Lucky Charms has been doing? For years, decades. For years, have you seen the shapes over there? That's what made Cheerios great.

It was simple. Simple and simple. Don't be getting into the heart thing, whatever. Don't play into the hand of somebody else do what you do best and you make o's right you make a good o a solid o a heart healthy o uh although the heart healthy part is funny too because yeah because it's i mean it has an asterisk right and if you read it's like we don't know exactly it was like it was like it's like uh it's like nutrition's or uh like vitamins like this, like can help your heart.

And those are in here. And it feels at the same time, it feels like, well, like if you took two people and you gave one guy frosted flakes and another guy Cheerios, frosted flakes guys probably gonna have a heart attack first. Right. So, I mean, that's so funny. Technically. You look into the study and like they have the one guy that ate nothing but cheerios the other guy had frosted flakes and cigarettes and a cigarette and then the other guy like had fucking whatever peppy or fruity pebbles and his cigarettes and

then like big macs and cigarettes and he's like that fucking healthiest one was the guy that just ate the honey nut the cheerios fucking crazy Yeah, he didn't smoke. It was no he didn't want to smoke. Oh, you know what this will help you quit smoking Yeah, he used to smoke he used to smoke he doesn't anymore. I can't technically say that it'll Make you quit smoking, but we it'll be our little secret But wink wink you might continue not smoking right if you eat this whoa God your phone. I hate it. It this. Whoa. God, your phone. I hate it. It's RTD too.

What's he doing? But anyway, that popped up and I was just creating a hype. And who is just spending time being so fucking pumped about a fast food burger sandwich thing coming back? So I've never had a McRib, but I know I've heard about the McRib for years. And I know people get excited about the McRib. You're McMissing out. I never heard of the bagel sandwich, if I'm being honest. Okay, well.

So, if you wouldn't have told me, and I saw the sign, I would have been like, what is that? Am I missing out? Yeah. I mean, they're just trying to create some FOMO. Oh, I get it. It's all FOMO, and it's like it's... Sick marketing. I mean, it's all marketing.

It's like, let's create nostalgia that doesn't exist out of nothing, and you fell for it. Yep. So. Yeah. Anyway, just pass that along. My little brain thought. I might have to go to Mc... See?

I was going to say, maybe... I might have to Mc... I might have to McGo... McHead over and try one. McDrive over to McDonald's and spend some McMoney. McBucks? What do they call them some McMoney. McBucks? What do they call them? Is that a thing? Yeah, back at Vintos you get

Doug GB. You fucking go, Nick! You fucking go, Mickey! I don't remember McBucks. I just remember Monopoly. Yeah, they had the dollars and stuff. We'll talk about the Monopoly. They have a Monopoly on the kids' toys.

All right. Dick time? Can I say something really quick? No. Okay. Yeah, go ahead. It's so funny. We will go to McDonald's, and my youngest, he'll want a kid's meal and a happy meal,

and then he won't even eat it and he's just he wants the toy but then as soon as we get out of the car and go in the house he leaves the toy in the car so i bought him a fucking ten dollar thing he didn't eat any of it and then the toy he played with he that he had to have just got left in the car yeah went straight to the landfill are you fucking kidding me like mcdonald's has got it figured out that story right there is just birth control that's what that is like if you're ever like i don't know should i have kids just go back listen to this episode and be like that sounds pretty fucking nutty probably shouldn't do it huge waste of money those kids you know all i paid ten dollars for a toy that he played with for five minutes yeah cardboard box that's what happened

yeah cardboard box and the toy that he threw with for five minutes. Yeah. Cardboard box. That's what happened. Yeah. Cardboard box and the toy that he threw away. I ended up eating the chicken nuggets. You ended up eating a fucking plain nothing pickles. Like maybe no pickles. No, he doesn't do any condiments. It's just the cheeseburger. So then I ended up eating that cold.

It's just not good. No, I'm just feeling sick. And then there's trash in the car. What a fucking world. Yeah. Good stuff right dick time yep okay let's ride it is it dumb is it interesting is it cool whoo you ready for a wild tale tales of wild wilder than the shirts we're wearing. Yeah. I don't think it doesn't get much wilder than that.

You're about to find out more complicated. The design, the better. When I read this headline. Oh, okay. You're going to, you're,

you're going to be like this one crazy, but apparently when they are writing this headline, whoever was writing it just couldn't figure out a way to put it all in. So you just get crazy parts. Then keep reading you're like this what the fuck it says meth written all over it two men two men two men plan to have large quote python eat woman's daughter before blowing up her house that's fucking crazy so right there you're like whoa that's so well that's pretty fucking crazy right uh and it just keeps getting better authorities say 24 year old caleb kinsey and 37 year old stephen glosser they had their whole life yeah uh conspired to harass intimidate

injure or kill the women or the woman who owned the house they look like they would do that they look like they would think that was a sick murder plot dude oh you how has no one thought of this dude this is perfect this is i mean it's a no-brainer we're doing this it's absolutely fucking bulletproof so glosser and the victim allegedly met on a dating app but their relationship eventually went south so they decided to block each other and that's when kinsley got involved like no one blocks my bro yeah dude you know what we should do time for me to step in this is gonna sound crazy but i think we should blow up her house hold on this might sound crazy don't don't rule it out okay here you go ready here's the full rundown the men allegedly plan to shoot arrows into the victim's front door

mail her dog feces or or dead rats wait dog poop or dead rats like they were going they were on the fence like they were like how do you decide between those two things? Right. Like we could get dog food or we could find some dead rats or which, I mean, if we have time, I feel like, I mean, there's dog poop. That's a given. Yeah.

But fucking dead. I could take a dump and for all she knows it's dog poop. Okay. So shoot arrows into the victim's front door, mail her dog feces or dead rats, scalp her head, blow up the home, and then release a large python to eat her daughter. What the fuck? That's so many different things. That's like throwing darts at just a bunch of ideas. And he's like, God, these are all great.

How do you choose just one of these? Because, I mean, all of them are great. I think we go either way on the dead rats and dog feces. So let's get these other darts out of here. That's like Wile E. Coyote on meth. No shit. They're just standing back looking at it like, this is almost perfect. I feel like it's missing

Do we need to shoot the arrows in the front door? Yes it symbolizes heartbreak Right Kinsey I told you if you're going to get involved You and your snake are getting involved in this Well see the arrow All the arrows do is that's just a warm up It's just to let her know that

Oh shit something's going down And you see that you know you're probably going to get scalped. Right. Right. And then that's when we move on to phase two of the plan. Isn't that cultural appropriation? What? Arrows and scalping? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Well, that's part of the, that's what they got in trouble for, nothing else. Nothing else is just cultural appropriation.

It's like, yeah, the attempted murder, eh! Eh! I mean, blow up the house, the snake thing, and all that. It's like, no, we just care about the scalping and the arrows. We just think that's fucking crazy. Like, that's not flying around here. So, WTOC. You know how much I love that.

They got to credit themselves. Reported that Glosser found the victim's home and built an explosive device along with Kinsey using Tannerite. A fun thing you shoot with guns and it blows up. More like Tanner-wrong. You know what I mean? Oh, dude, let's fucking... Yeah! Tannerite is a brand of firearm...

I just said that. The two then use the device to blow up the woman's house. You know how much Tannerite you would need to blow up a house? No, I don't. Oh, man. I mean, if you're just trying to blow the front door off, you could get a little brick. So like like a c4 brick essentially and then you shoot that with a bullet

and it blows up okay and then it's explodes uh but to that much to blow up a house are they using the arrows to do that no they that was a that was some symbolic who they think they are? Robin Hood? I don't know. Fucking Robin Bad. Oh, yeah. More like fucking destroying Hood over here. Nice, dude. So witnesses told investigators they saw a black SUV leaving the scene, which was determined to be Kinsey's car. These guys are just fucking so good.

Police served a search warrant on Kinsey and Glossier's home. It's got the last name and letters on the back window, you know? Customized plague, it says Kinsey. What the fuck are they doing? But they're in trouble for all the things that you think that you'd be in trouble for trying to do something like that. Except for culture appropriation. I don't see that on the list. Not on the list.

Maybe the detectives missed that one. But we caught it. We caught it right away. But just the planning of these guys just in a basement. Wait, fucking smoking cigarettes, one solo light kind of swinging a little bit. Over a makeshift coffee table they made out of a fucking old French door. And they put the plans and they roll it out? They roll it out and it's a fucking

Etch-a-Sketch. Was the snake somebody's or were they going to have to go buy a snake? No, no, no. Detail didn't make the news article. What? He's trying to write... He's like, what do you need, Python? He's like, you know how hard P's are?

On a fucking Etch-a-Sketch? i gonna connect a p and a y he's like he's like i need a beer like his knee hits the table just shakes the whole plan god that's what happened and he's like fuck was it male or dog feces or dead rats what'd we go with fuck uh we'll just do both we'll just do both we'll just do both man what a just do both. We'll just do both. Man, what a wild tale. He's like, the dead rats would be cheaper. We have to go on a scavenger hunt. But, you know, you have a dog. We'll just catch their shit. It doesn't say where the fucking python came from.

Not in the article. How does that? Okay. Can we talk about whoever investigated this? The TV news or whatever? Mm-hmm. I mean, that's one of the questions you should ask right yeah where were you planning on getting this python were they gonna steal a python and

then why like why is that the thing and just gonna eat the daughter what the fuck would she do to you she didn't block you but also you got blocked after a relationship calm down i love the the the idea that when they're talking about okay well how are we going to kill the daughter without making it not seem suspicious and get rid of the evidence yeah it's like the only thing i can think of is like a giant snake just notice that the python is wearing like a fucking spandex human suit in its belly like it's just like i don't think i found the daughter it's a perfect outline of a person in their in the snake's stomach oh there it is i guess we'll just just

kidnap the daughter and throw her in a ditch i mean don't i don't want to have to do your job for you but i mean i've seen enough fucking shows yeah don. Fucking don't do that. I don't want to kill her daughter. But I guarantee you I'm not using a python. You want to talk about some sex stuff? I mean, we all... You like sex? Yeah, it's okay. Okay.

Do you want to read some of this? I'll read some of it. Because we got these two articles. I don't want to get too boned up. Yeah, well, it's okay. You're wearing this. You can camouflage your boner. Not this one. It's not... Remember? Oh, yeah, you're wearing Cassie's. Yeah, well, it's okay. You're wearing this. You can camouflage your boner. Not this one.

It's not. Remember? Oh, yeah, you're wearing Cassie's. Yeah. A little snug. It's kind of a weird story. Yeah. I mean, Elizabeth Hurley's attractive, right?

Nah, maybe not after you read this one. She's one of my favorites. This one is mild. The next one, they get a little progressively wilder. But it's just the get a little progressively wilder but there's not i mean there's not it's just the situation of this one and when we pull up the article uh for the youtube viewers to look just look at the sun's face because what is happening with that face you mean what's happening yeah what is happening in hollywood yeah i mean he's a pretty guy well that face scares the shit out of me yeah and when we read the article you're're going to know what's like, why you're like, oh yeah,

duh. She still looks good, man. She's hot. Okay. All right. Elizabeth Hurley felt safe filming sex scene directed by your son. Could you imagine filming your. And that's why I'm saying this guy.

My mom likes her nipples squeezed. No, I know this. I know this from experience. Yeah. She loves them getting sucked on. I know that from experience. Yeah, my dad really likes to go on her thorax. I've seen it. It's cool.

Alright, Elizabeth Hurley said she felt liberated while filming a sex scene in a new movie directed by her son, Damien Hurley. Strictly confidential, the 21-year-old's directorial debut is a thriller about a woman whose best friend kills herself. Sick plot. Some ex-users were shocked when they discovered Elizabeth Hurley would appear in a sex scene

in her son's movie. The closeness of the 58-year-old and her son previously caused controversy when she told Watch What Happens Live in 2008 that her son took her bikini photos. Okay. That's interesting. Living in their own fucking bubble.

Got it. They defended the bikini photography. Of course. And the erotic movie. You gotta double down on that. People find this really controversial, Damon Hurley said, of the bikini pictures. Show business has been a fundamental part of my entire life. So to us, it's just not a thing.

Not a big deal. Not a problem. Do you want me to play the video? No. Okay. Don't worry about that. Elizabeth Hurley said her son looked after her, which is why she felt comfortable shooting a sex scene in the upcoming movie and letting her son take her bikini pictures. Like, now I know my son, if the actor starts getting a little bit too grabby or if he's not turning me on enough, my son's going to know what to do.

He's going to step in and make sure things are fine. To keep my vagina wet. Right. So a little creepy. And again, they, they have their experiences and they have their own world. And from the outside looking in,

you're like, that's fucking weird. Right. But I don't look in, I don't work in Hollywood. I've never been like a, in the position where I'm going to be directing a movie, but also my mom is an actress and there's a sex

scene in it right um but from the outside it looks fucking pretty crazy but not nearly as crazy as this next story but yeah i want to so just i've never been i'm not the actors are like they're they get they just go inside their acting in their character. And it's like they don't. They disassociate from themselves. It's like you have a sex scene with someone. There's people that aren't gay who can have a full on graphic gay nude sex scene. And to them, they're just acting.

But to someone who's not like that, it's like, I'd have a hard time doing that just because i'm not attracted to that so it'd be weird but to them it's like they're just acting so they're doing the same thing totally get it like that i can see a separation between these two like like sex and openness and like just not making it weird and having a bunch of social parameters set on it if you're able to eliminate all those and you're just doing your job, but at the end of the day, like you're filming your mom getting fucked. Like that's the whole point of what you're doing.

And you're just sitting there looking at, I haven't seen the scene, but I'm guessing there's no penetration, right? I have probably not. I haven't, I haven't seen it. I haven't seen it.

I'm going to, but I haven't yet. And I get it. Like you can kind of, you can figure it out. It's work. It's i'm just doing my job that's fine but all of that just sets up this next this next step okay so son of

only fans model admits admits that he films her content for her that's a little different guys and again nothing nothing illegal happening here right it's not like this is like they're they're doing anything he's just holding the camera while mom fucking fingers herself yeah rubs the pink canoe paddles the pink canoe you know yeah i mean i guess does she need someone to hold the camera no but i'm guessing like there's certain shots so they're on like they're on like on the go like the mom on the go you know she's yeah she's busy she's a mom yeah she's getting the kids dressed for school and fingering herself at the same time and my first thought was maybe that she's just like trying to make a living maybe the only fans account is growing but it's not quite

there you can't like hire someone put food on the table that there's that you can't hire someone who's not your son right like you just got it's not in the budget that's nepotism also like it's not in the budget yet yeah uh no she has over three million followers on instagram and her only fans account is super successful maybe she just wants to keep it in the family. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You don't want to definitely don't want to pay someone 50 bucks to come film you.

It'd be weird to have a stranger filming you, you know, jamming a dildo. Yep. But it says this in the article. It says, while many creators might hire someone to film their content for them, Odessa decided to keep the business within the family as her son shoots things for her. During an Instagram question and answer last summer, Odessa's son, Arthur, who was 18 at the time...

So you think that for his 18th birthday, he was just given permission to film his mom? Yeah, it's like, well, you're an adult now, so... Sucking a dick. And I haven't seen the OnlyFans account. I don't know exactly what the content is but i know what only fans is and i know if the content is typically on only fans right um so it says arthur are you the one who films odessa's only fans he goes yep i'm really badass with pictures right what an 18 year old fucking response yeah how's that do like

sick pictures dude you've seen that lighting fucking so cool for many people the idea of shooting such content of their parents would be well unimaginable but arthur appeared unfazed but while he doesn't seem to be bothered others were i mean religious groups in particular don't care about that i'm just saying at a at a relationship level with your with your mom if you're just filming or like and just in doing crazy fucking only fans content how is there any sort of like healthy boundaries set up i feel like you can figure it out but like you have to do your homework and then as soon as you're done you're gonna watch me play with my pussy yeah and you're like okay mom do i have to i i to? I want to get on Call of Duty tonight.

It's like, do you want to eat this month? Yeah, do you want to, I mean. Do you like the food I'm giving you? Yes. Then you'll watch me fucking shove this in my pussy. Do you want to eat this cucumber later? Yeah. Then you're going to watch me fuck myself with it.

Put it in my butt, and you're going to film it. Mom, God, all my friends are going to the movies. And I'm sitting at home making movies with you. We're filming a movie. God! Jeffrey, whatever his name is. God, he's just muttering the teenage angst stuff as he walks away. He goes, God, I'm so sick of your fucking pussy.

Slams his door. Well, what's funny is his friends, he's like he's like oh sorry i can't go tonight my mom she's doing this new thing where she's like jamming fish in her vagina and i gotta film it so so fucking lame so we're coming to your house yeah are you busy yeah fuck is i mean you come to the party tomorrow night you're going to prom no my mom's got a fucking double penetration scene it's a big night i got a film yeah it's a it's a high traffic night we've already postponed it twice we're trying to pay for my college here yeah we've already postponed it twice i can't believe how hard it is to fucking

book a schedule when there's two dicks involved you wouldn't believe how busy people are busy people are like some nights this dick's there and sometimes this dick can make it. But tonight, for sure, my mom said these two dicks can make it. We've got it confirmed. We've got it confirmed that I've got to be there. I've got to fill my mom up. We have a hard out, though. I'm in a hard in, too. I should be over by nine.

Okay. Come pick me up. Once the guys blow their loads all over, Tiddy, then I'll be... I'll text you. I just got to grab a couple towels, clean up my mom, and then I'll be over. Well, clean up, fucking eat a cucumber, then i'll be uh i'll text you i just gotta grab a couple towels clean up my mom and then i'll be over well clean up if i can eat a cucumber and i'll be over got one uh all right well that was it just that's wild i can't imagine it i get it it's fine people are able to separate make things worse or make things work but it seems like the family dynamics gonna be a little fucked if you're filming your mom touching her puss. Okay, think about it.

Here's a scenario for you that, I mean, we're in the realm. What if it was the other way around? And what if it was a dad that had an OnlyFans and he hired his daughter to do it? Welcome to jail, motherfucker. I'm just curious how that would... Right? There's no way. That it would not work.

Like, and that is... I didn't even think about that. How come it can work this way? I mean, it shouldn't. I mean, we're talking about how it's not okay. If he... I mean, obviously, the dad forced the daughter to do it. Yeah, right.

And again, like, I'm also projecting and just trying to make the content extreme as possible with like, I don't know if he was filming her touching her pussy. Right. So he might've just been filming content where she's like in lingerie. Right. Teasing content.

Sure. Yeah. Sure. So I don't know. I didn't go, I didn't go and look, I wasn't going to fucking sign up for only fans to be super educated about the son filming the mom.

So free trials. Do they do free trials i'm sure they do i'm sure there's a couple freebies in there you want to make sure you're like you're like oh how big does it gape uh is it is it gonna make me excited is it gonna make me or is it like is it a tease thing like how's the gape how's it what's it what's the gape like no listen i'm down for i mean 499 months sounds like a hell of a bargain but how's the gape like I'm down for $4.99 a month sounds like a hell of a bargain but how's the gape gape per capita

people are like coming in and be like I don't know man I'm seeing a pretty good gape there's a couple good gapes in here like how good how good's the gape is it worth $4.99 a month bro that's like a cup of coffee dude it's worth 5.99 easy one day just one day a week just don't get that cup of coffee dude see all the gapes you can fucking gape it up gape ape uh okay let's move off to some petty beef okay it has we it's been a couple weeks. Yeah. You know Petty Beef. Yeah. Exactly. Silence in the court.

You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Boom. Picture my fucking mom naked.

You're going to film my mom for an OnlyFans account? Well, I mean, that, to be fair... Your mom's hot? Yeah, like, that was a hot mom. Have you seen my mom? No. Just kidding. Okay, so, Petty Beef.

I just want to make things awkward. For this week, sent in by a man at the end of his rope. And he writes, Sup, guys. Sup, dude. Sup. I don't know... I don't know if this is the spot to put my Petty Beef. by a man at the end of his rope. And he writes, Sup, guys? Sup, dude? Sup? I don't know if this is the spot to put my petty beef,

but fuck it. This needs to be addressed. He sent it in through our Instagram account. This is the perfect... Oh, I see. I thought you meant, is this the platform? Yeah.

I don't know. Is this the one podcast that has a thing called petty beef? My fiance and I live together in a nice home in the suburbs of philadelphia beautiful downtown philly it's always sunny inside this home things go down something that will ruin any man oh what my fiance does is absurd she will clean the surfaces of things and anything on the surface goes either one, in a random

fucking drawer, or really any open spot that an item can fit into, to be honest. That's so funny. I see it. Number two, into the ether to never be found again. She says she doesn't move things, but she does.

I found half-drank water bottles in the snack cabinet along with kitchen scissors. I need to know if anyone else has a spouse or partner that does the same thing to them and if they are still around. Love this damn show so much. Your loyal silly goose, Brian Jr. What's up, son Jr. Yeah, dude. What's up, son? That's my boy.

It's a fun one because just from past petty beefs and us knowing each other and being friends, I think there'll be a different take on this. What do you think? Well, first of all, tell my daughter-in-law she needs to get her shit together. Yep, yep, I hear you. Cleaning counter, hiding scissors?

It's funny because I think women, well, so like my wife, she's very much likes to know, she's like, I'm going to decorate the house because I know all that kind of stuff. She likes to put things away because she likes to know where they're at. And I really do think that a lot of ladies that are like that, they have in their head, they're thinking, I'm cleaning up and putting the stuff away. But then they just like, don't realize that you're not going to know where they put the stuff. And the argument could be, well, don't leave your stuff around. Don't leave your wallet or laying around your hat laying around, if you don't want me to put it somewhere.

But I think there's a legitimate, like, something's missing there between you obsessing where things go and not knowing that I don't, now I don't know where they are. If you're obsessed about where things go, then you put them there. Like you need to just have this, how did the scissors end up out in a spot where the scissors could go somewhere where you didn't want the scissors. And if it was you that left them out, then like you're, you're kind of fighting uphill because you put them out. So put the scissors back where they go. I get that. I get that i get that i i think the part that

is the like the the extra like little juice on this argument is when he he wrote in here that she says that she doesn't move things she i don't know i didn't touch it like i don't know didn't fucking float into the cabinet like how did the how did the water bottle get up in the snacks how did that happen did a ghost do it a ghost can use all his energy to move the water bottle get up in the snacks how did that happen did a ghost do it a ghost used all his energy to move your water bottle to buy the cheez-its he had a little bit of energy that day and that's what he chose to do yeah he's like what can i do to this family let them know i'm here got him i'm gonna put this piece of bread over here by the hats oh shit all i did was create an argument between this couple. It did nothing for me.

I get to watch it. That's fucking sweet. He starts making popcorn while they're arguing. He's like, oh dude, she's gonna get so pissed. Watch this. They're fighting and there's like a little teacup like taking a sip, floating. Just watching. Watching the couple

fight. God, that would blow your mind, wouldn't it? Yeah, it would. And he's like, oh shit. Oh, you bitch! What are you? Yeah, I think it's the... fight god that'd blow your mind yeah it would and he's like oh shit oh you bitch what are you yeah i think it's the you see that and it just then it just drops downstairs squeaking down the stairs going slow why are you running you're invisible god you always such an idiot you always forget they can't see you just stay there why are you running it would be weird to forget that you're invisible and you're standing two feet from You always forget. Such an idiot. You always forget they can't see you. Just stay there. Why are you running? It would be weird to forget that you're invisible and you're standing two feet from somebody and you realize that they can't see you, but you forget like, oh yeah. Or a little moment you think they see you.

Yeah. They look at you and you're like, they both do this and you're like, still the floor is like, and they're like, did you hear that? And you're like, just trying so hard. Like some sort of ghost code. Like Andy in Toy Story. There's always like a little code.

I'm a bloke for everybody. Oh God, I'm getting so much trouble. I'm never going to get to come back to Spokane. It's my favorite place to haunt. The ghost police? It's my favorite place to haunt. It's the Ghostbbusters they come for you cleaning up i i've touched on this in in the past on petty beefs where like i i've always had a

problem with like things going almost back to where they go like so close like you're if you're working on something and uh i think the most recent one I talked about was the vacuum and a lot of people wrote in about this which was funny because they were listening and then across their room was the vacuum was still left out with the cord but they haven't vacuumed for a couple days instead of just putting it back where the vacuum goes

it just sits somewhere else but that type of stuff does bug me like you walk in and it's like oh and like the the coat goes on the chair and then two more feet you could put it on the coat rack yeah instead of just just fucking hang your coat up don't put it on the back of a chair it's right there or um like working on a project and you get done and you take all your shit and then you go to the garage and then you just like put it in the garage but don't

put it where it goes in the garage like you're happy just a little more you're so close yes and it just sits there until somebody else fucking moves it so just take the one more minute it takes to put the fold-up chair over where the fold-up chairs go and don't just lean it by on the garage door like just keep going dude when it when my wife's gone she's gone for a weekend i the the dishes and trash will stack up so fast i hate you and then and then an hour before she's get i do like just super clean you know like it looks like how far out are you? about an hour and you're like what? yes like doing windmills and stretching your hamstrings

yeah I mean I move that fast I don't want to pull anything but it's like it looks like wow you kept this place nice and it's like

oh yeah you should have seen it an hour ago of course I did I love you I never would I wouldn't do that to you I wouldn't do that to you babe I love you

or whatever and then she walks in you're doing like scrubbing the last bit of the counter I love you. I never would. I wouldn't do that to you. I wouldn't do that to you, babe. I love you. Whatever. And then she walks in. You're scrubbing the last bit of the counter. And she sees you doing it. Oh, damn. Didn't see you walk in. She was like, I told you I was almost here.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Is that already? Was that already? I thought that was yesterday. She always missed you so much. It feels like it took forever. You're wearing her underwear, fucking scrubbing the floor oh my god when did you get here we just i just talked to you 10 minutes ago and said i was almost home oh wearing her well that's crazy

just getting this one more one more spot have you ever done anything like uh whether you know like when they're gone for the weekend you're just like you just like do anything sexual masturbation wise or anything like that to where you like got out all the pulled out all the stops and then you treat yourself right you forgot and then like and then you walk in the room you're like holy shit and then you're like what's all what's all the stops i'm curious no nothing specific ready to go i'm just imagining like toys or whatever like that she didn't know you had or she does know you have but you don't she doesn't know you really use them when you're not there yeah but and then so you're like i'll clean that up later and then you're like holy shit if she would have walked in wow uh nope i know i don't i've never had that but i can see

that happening like uh i mean i've had that cassie and i've had that happen but not like out but just like the bag of fun was out bag of toys yeah i was just out but it wasn't like put away under the bed the tripod and everything's i mean there's a couple people there that we thought left still they were there for the gangbang but they were good like they were they were right on they pretended to be a butler yeah the other one they've done that before the other one was a landscaper they just snapped like shit look you guys are still here like i know what to do they hop out the window like pulls a it turns into a maid yeah just as a duster he rips his clothes off and underneath there's a it's all your wife's underwear you're like how's

this gonna help because i don't know i didn't think this through so now your kids walk in instead of just seeing a man they see a stranger in Cassie's underwear. And you're like, this is not good. I'm sorry, I'm not good with kids. I know. You've made that very clear. Are you my new daddy? Nope.

Kinda. Kinda. You're telling me what you asked your dad about that. You know what I mean? Okay, all right. Okay. Okay. But I get this man's

frustration about things disappearing going in random places i do get it but i think we've come to the same conclusion where if you don't want them to go to a random ass spot then uh you put them away yeah yeah like you you know that she clearly likes to have things clean at any cost so the cat anything that's on the counter is going to go into a place so if you want that to not happen then you don't put shit on the counter i think we've i mean we've touched on this before and that's what we always go off on some tangent and then we come back with the real answer and it's if you have a problem with somebody else doing do whatever you can to fix the problem. Don't always expect them to change or whatever. So that falls in line here too.

It's like, yeah, it might be annoying what she does, but there's a way to prevent that is the way to not let her. Yeah. But also when she is picking up the counter, if it is, it's a,

it's a team where it's a tag effort. It's teamwork to keep a house clean. Like a half empty water bottle does not go in the snacks. It gets dumped in the sink and put where the water bottles go. I get it. Or in a fridge or something. Something. Yeah, something where those things go.

So I do get that frustration. But you could do it too. I've never left a water bottle. I have. I'm a water cup guy. I'll leave a water cup next to the sink. No, a cup. Yes yes i'm saying a water bottle yeah water bottle nightstand i've never not drank a whole one is what i'm saying yeah you just i

oh i was thinking like a bottle of water ah that's good water yeah god spokane know? Yeah. Pretty good this time of year. Yeah. Well, it's all the snow runoff. Yeah, it's coming downstream, baby. Yeah. Okay. Are we done with the petty beef? Yeah.

I think once we cleared that up. I feel like we helped a little bit. Good news? Yeah. All right. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray.

We are doomed. Yeah! yeah all right this is some happy happy news but first let's do it oh yeah yeah yeah yeah oh yeah What if I can combine this one? Hold on. I'm a little late. And the same thing with the hot air balloon like zapped into the power line story. Whenever the mummy sound makes the rounds, that is our entire social feed. It comes back around and they're like, they send it over like, oh yeah, we know.

We know. It's a whole buggy. You gotta check this out, man. So let's make your heart feel good. But for years, Bill walked six miles to work until she gave him a lift and then started a rideshare service just for him.

Oh, Bill. He looks like he smells. I mean, sure, but six fucking six miles? Anyway, Bill, last name is so Polish. Moksulowski? Moksulowski! Moksulowski! Bill Moksulowski! It's probably not even, it's probably silent.

It's probably Moselowski. Moselowski? Bill Moselowski. He walked six miles to work at a local Walmart as a night shift janitor, but that all changed the day a woman stopped and offered him a ride. Christy Conrad learned that despite being legally blind, he possessed a steadfast determination to trudge in any kind of weather in order to get to work. I picked him up in nine degrees the other morning, said Christy, who also learned that

he used to ride a bike until he got hit by a car. So Bill's been through some shit. Yeah, he has. But Christy has her own family and couldn't always be there, so she started a Facebook group to seek other volunteers who could give him a lift. Mr. Bill's Village soon attracted over a thousand members who wanted to keep an eye out for the man walking in camouflage jacket at sunset or sunrise. That's such a cute little community. One group member said it's now like a competition. Who can give Bill a ride today?

Like, they're fine. No, I'm here first. There he is. Honey, go get fucking Bill. Okay. Like, just peeling out. I was here first. Demo derby to get Bill.

They're fucking, like, they're fighting. Bill's just standing there in his fucking camouflage jacket. Like, waiting to see Demo derby to get Bill. They're fucking like, they're fighting. Bill's just standing there in his fucking camouflage jacket waiting to see who wins so he can go home. Well, he can't see who wins though, right? Well, legally blind, but he's got to be able to see

a little something, a little something. There's a lot of good people in the world all over this place, Bill told Steve Harmon and his CBS News crew who recently visited

Caboot, Cabot, Arkansas to tell this heartwarming story. I'm glad that Steve Harmon and his crew made the news article. That was really cool that they made sure that his name was in there. That was important that we had to make sure that Bill talked to Steve Harmon

over there at the CBS News crew. Yeah, right. Get his profile. Yeah, that's really great, Steve. I'm happy. And they put a link to his profile. Let's go ahead and see where that goes. Let's see where it goes. Only fans. It just goes to another article about it.

But this one's by Steve Harmon. Ah, yeah. It is. I was kidding, and now it is. Oh, what a fucking tool. Just help people. Yeah, it's like, yeah, we got to make sure we get the story out but most importantly you've got to make sure that i got this story out god i mean it's a feature piece

and i get it and you're linking around but god man news articles with the credit stuff first reported by wphd philadelphia a story you'll see only on only onLY 4 News Now with Dennis Patchen. Is he still there? No. No. Who's there now? And he was a sports guy. Derek Dice, he still going?

Yeah, he's there. Fuck yeah, dude. Spoke to him right now, they're like, oh yeah. Yeah, dude, shout out to D Dice. I like D Dice. I grew up with him. Yeah, good guy. Good guy.

All right, let's take a look at something funny. Graduated with his brother. Keep going. Yeah. Fuck his sister. My cousin played ball with him, basketball, sports with him. I've known him my whole life. And I worked with him.

Yeah. Which is pretty crazy. Wow. Worked with his wife first. And then he came on board. Who's the wife? I'm not going to name everybody. I know her name, but I'm not going to name her.

Okay, let's look at something we found on the internet. Nice. Oh, yeah! Zach! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison.

Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! I felt like Esteban right there. Uh, what? Remember the late night infomercial with Esteban who was selling his acoustic?

With his cracked nail? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Nylon strings? Uh, that. Oh, yeah. Nylon strings? Yeah. No, it was just like a cheap, like an Epiphone type of, but it was Esteban brand or whatever. I don't remember what it was. Nice.

But yeah, that's what I felt like right there. Taking it for a walk? Yeah. And then. Oh, nice. This is his custom tailor that I'm going to take home with me. Wait, you're not taking that? Yeah.

No. I mean, me, five grand. Yeah, me. You're not taking that? Yeah. No. I mean, me, five grand. Yeah, don't let him take that. Five grand. Maybe. Five grand maybe? Maybe. And then I'll just come steal it back.

I play guitars that sounded better than that. They weren't five grand. No, you haven't. You haven't brought that thing into the recording studio. Yeah, that's true. And that thing has old ass strings on it. Yeah. And put some new.

It already sounds like. I'm fucking, I'm telling you. Can we end the show so I can play it? This was sent in by our daughter, Amber. Okay. Like clearly some kind of spoof joke, but it is out there and I want people to know about it. I like when Amber calls me daddy. It's because it's my wife.

Yeah, nice. I like when my daughter's my wife. And that's my favorite part about being a dad my favorite part of being about an uncle is having a wife as a daughter so you know ouija boards yeah you ever thought about why they just don't have the opposite like a holy spirit board i no i guess I didn't... Well, I thought they were. I thought... I mean, think about it. You're like, I don't know, contacting the dead.

And then there's this crazy demonic connotation with Ouija boards. But they don't... Why does it have to be scary? It doesn't have to be scary. And introducing... Because all it is is someone that you're doing it with moving it around. Don't get into the science of it. Okay, Brian? Oh, yeah, don't bring science

into anything. We don't want everybody thinking. This is on Amazon and for only $29.95. Only $29.95. You can get the Holy Spirit board and it says communicate directly with Jesus Christ. That picture of Jesus it looks like a... This feller?

He looks like he's a villain in He-Man. He does. That's what Skeletor looks underneath his skeleton. I'll be back. Goodbye, Jesus. Yeah, but it comes... The planchette is a cross. And then it has a bunch of symbols on it.

Oh, God. And then there's Jesus on a cross. Yeah. Hanging with Jesus. Yes, no, and then the bottom just says, Goodbye, Jesus. Like you're just getting off a pleasant chat. Little phone call. Not my favorite.

I mean, I'm not going to buy it. Obviously, jokes, right? Doesn't have great reviews. Yeah, I bet. Uh, and some of them are great and some of them are just, I'll read them. Ready? So Bobby writes, never worked Ouija boards or spirit boxes. Uh, never worked.

Okay. He missed punctuation. Right. Ouija boards or spirit boxes work better. Like the PSB seven spirit box. I don't know why. and then two people found that helpful Yeah, I mean I was gonna say I was thinking this is a waste of money, but now I don't need to write the review I'm gonna use that 29 95 Was a pbs 7 spirit box. I'm gonna give that straight to the church

It's just sent in by Kay. It is a waste of money. It is just a joke. It makes fun of all religions. Okay. Take a joke. How does that? I don't know, but 20 people found it helpful. Jerry wrote, I carefully read the reviews before getting the product, and I based the

reviews on my purchase. I was hoping I'd be able to talk to Jesus, and so far, nothing. This is so disappointing. All I keep getting is some raspy voiced man 555 people yeah, they got on it. They got the joke. That's good So at least they got it Oh just rest I'm just trying to talk to Jesus this one guy keeps sticking the fucking way just got it smells like a third Fucking he pops in he's like, hello, you looking for me?

Get out of the way, I'm looking for Jesus! Take your cigarette and get out of here. Well, I mean I could put points in the right direction. I mean, just say it. Say it. I mean, I know the guy, I've met him. I've met him! Get out of the fucking way! I used to hang with Jesus! This isn't Jesus!

This is one that says, this is very disappointing on all levels. It is very misleading to anyone who does not... Disgusting. Oh, very disgusting. Sorry. On all levels, it is very misleading to anyone who does not know Jesus or how to truly get to him. Yeah, but you know the way, don't you? You are leading people straight to haze. All just to make a few bucks.

It's probably wise to stop selling these. What? Yeah, I'm sure they're... He's super worried. Feeling really... He's up at night. He'd be like, babe, I don't know. It seems like we're having a lot of bad luck lately. You think I should pull the Holy Spirit board off Amazon?

She's like, I don't... She's all taking the jewelry off and putting it in a little box. I don't know. Things have been going pretty well, I thought. I think things were going pretty good. I think we should ask the Spirit. He puts his hands on the cross planchette and it just moves around. It's like, should I stop?

And it's just like, his wife, no. His wife, yeah, just moves it over. He just goes, no. Goodbye, Jesus. Well, that was easy. Alright. Well, that was easy. He just folds it back up. Guess I'll keep printing money. Good night. Yes, Jesus will talk to you, but this game is

totally not needed at all. If you want to talk to Jesus, just say his name and talk to him. Yes, Jesus will talk to you, but this game is totally not needed at all. If you want to talk to Jesus, just say his name and talk to him. Hey, Jesus, where you at? You don't need a stupid board. Just talk to Jesus. Just call him up. You're crazy. You're crazy sitting here with your silly board.

Just talk to the sky. I'm not going to get into it. You got to get on your knees that's how it works god has provided a wonderful way to talk with god's self and hear god's voice it's called prayer it's free though it needs you to sit in silence to hear a quiet voice no glossy board needed just missing the point oh yeah just well, they're obviously... Yeah. I mean...

Very upset. They clearly have it all figured out. You just... All you gotta do is just... You're doing it all wrong! Say, hey, Jesus, what you doing out there, Nat? You're doing it all wrong. What you need to do is go to a special building...

You put money into this thing, and then you eat Jesus. You don't need a board, you fucking idiot. You just have to eat his body. Just go to the building, talk to the guy in the robe, give them money, eat the bread, and talk to the ceiling. That's how you talk to Jesus.

You don't need a glossy fucking board. When do I do this? Only on Sundays. And then one Wednesday out of the year. You just got to rub a little dirt on your face. Anyway, it's available on Amazon if you want it. Hear from the kids? I kind of want to hear more reviews.

It's more of the same. It's more of, oh my god, you don't know what you're doing. Just get rid of this board and talk to the wall. Stop wasting your time and your money when you can just talk to him yourself. This is $29.95.

You know it's free? Talking to Jesus. It's more of that. That's assuming you have Amazon Prime, though. You have free shipping. And you're obviously the right religion. Duh. Right.

Yeah. Everyone just can't talk to this guy. Do they have a Hindu board? I'm sure. Made by the same guy? Yeah. Buddhism board? He just makes all...

What's the Allah? What's the... What's their prophet? Muhammad. Muhammad. Yeah. Mahatma. Muhammad Matt?

Mahatma. Muhammad. Yeah. Mahatma. Muhammad Matt? Mahatma. Muhammad. Gandhi. Whatever. Okay, kids. We have some good ones. Some emails. All right.

Ready? Yeah. Okay. Zach? All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow. That's cool. And just real quick to recap on that. Obviously, it sounds like we're just bashing on Jesus and religion. But that's not the point of that. The point of it is to call out people saying how ridiculous one thing is, but doing something else that's equally as ridiculous. Yeah. Yeah.

Or not. I don't care. I mean, I'm spiritual as well. I just don't i don't care i mean i'm spiritual as well i just don't think that everyone needs to believe the same thing i do that's just like i'll do my thing you do yours and don't be like that's fucking crazy here's what you need to do and then put on magic underpants these people are wacko dude look at they they go to church three days a week. It's fucking stupid.

That's crazy. You only have to go twice a year. Everyone knows that. God, dude. Christmas. All you gotta do is just give a bunch of money. That's it. And then not go.

The more money you give. Idiots. The more money you give, the more free time you have. Everyone knows that. Okay. Now, our first email was sent anonymously. Okay. What a word.

It says, hey, Brian and Joe. Oh, hello. I'm listening to pacemaker, foam finger, ginger, neck brace. When I heard you read the resume, I immediately knew you needed to see this. This was submitted at a retail store I worked at in college over 10 years ago. I've kept it all these years because it still makes me laugh. Keep me anonymous because I don't know if it's legal

to keep the resumes for entertainment purposes. Lukewarm regards, Jane Doe. Perfect. Oh, don't say your name, Jane. Oh, come on. Gave it away. Okay, let me see if I can see this. Can you pull that up there, Zach? I didn't scratch out his name because his name was so

Uh Has to be common I was like there's no way you're finding this guy We'll just call him Scott My name is Scott But everyone calls me Scotty That's on This is on a resume

My DOB date of birth Is Wednesday December 13th, 1978. At 8.14 p.m. I am now 30 years old. God, dude. You could have left out some of these details. All of these. I'm single with no kids, but someday married with two or four kids.

In eight years, I plan to be married with two and a half kids. Gosh, dude. Preferably to a model. It will be. And she's going to want to have sex like three times a day. I'm not married right now and I have no kids, but someday for sure going to be married to a model and have two to four kids and have sex all the time on a boat.

You're like, what? It's on my board. All right, Scotty. Scotty, don't my hobbies and activities are going to church celebration church working with my hands in arts and crafts penciled metals and woods camping fishing nature walks traveling to the coast seeing movies and collecting dvdss because I care about the future. Hanging with my family and friends.

Playing TTRPGs. What's that? TTRPGs? Tactical, I don't know. RPGs but I think a certain, yeah. Some sort of more precise version of RPGs. What's an MMO game? I don't know.

Zach, seems like something you'd know it's like multiple player online or something multi i don't remember okay mass multi maybe okay like uh war warlock yeah world warcraft there it is i remember i was like war war warlock people started saying like i'm playing rp RPGs and playing DNCs and all these. And I'm like, I don't understand what you're saying. No, no, do I get a gun? I know I've played all the games, but I didn't know they had names for them. Mm-hmm.

Okay. So, MMO games. Playing. Computer games. Computer games and console games. Okay. Church is on Saturdays at 5 p.m. to 10. Five hours?

On Saturday and Sundays at 8 a.m. to 12 p.m. And 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Yep, that gives you the location. If you want to join, it's 284 Shaw Avenue. Anybody want to Google that can look that up. I'm a fast learner, if I am shown. Not just talked about and pointed at um i work well with others i like working with my hands i said that already

i like challenges and learning new and i'm very patient overall a good person to work with listen no period and he's got a list of references too i think uh just uh this is a perfect example of no one cares perfect example of this guy something's good something's wrong yeah he's yeah this is like his first time yeah applying to a job he goes god what do they need to know now what can you bring to our business well i go to church i got well i know one thing and i churches on saturdays and sundays and i love computer games can you work weekends like i just refer to my church schedule i imagine him like having this conversation with an employee like just going over all this shit and then that guy's like uh-huh uh-huh and he goes all right so

hand me the box of avocados. We gotta put them over here. And he's like, okay. After going through this huge thing of all the things he loves, he goes, that's crazy. Go get the dolly. We gotta move some heavy boxes. Okay. Sorry. Alright, our second email coming in from our son who wanted to go by going postal.

And that all makes sense here in just a second. He writes, what the fuck is up, you dumb cunts? It's a great way to start a sentence. Well, I don't know how to start this, so fuck it. Here we go. So around 2011, I was a wee lad at the age of 16. I got four lower bowl tickets

to a Utah Jazz game. So naturally, whoever gets to go better be providing something. Transportation or mind-altering substances, basically. Oh, I thought it was like sexual. Yeah. My homie got his hands on, till this day,

and many other trips later, the best fucking acid I'll probably ever get to try. Acid basketball game. Fucking buckle up. As we embark on this journey, we take hits too sober too fucked up was a good ratio of responsibility in our minds anyways as we get there and we're both fucking peaking side note the jazz bear was my neighbor at the time so i shouldn't realize i'd get fucked with if seen. I should have realized I'd get fucked if seen.

Yeah. God, you want me to read this, Joe? Jesus. I think I said those words because it didn't make sense. I was like, okay. Little did I know it was some fucking mascot night where they had other teams' mascots and shit. Cue in the picture of this asshole of a mascot. FYI, those things coming out of his nose are those birthday extender fucking things

you blow into. Yeah. We get to our seats, and maybe like the second quarter, we get fucking blasted with silly string by the jazz bear when this motherfucker taps me on the shoulder or a row behind me,

and I totally almost fucking fell on the dude in front of me. I wasn't prepared for the face-to-face with the neon dragon. Give me a break. As I pick myself up, I tell this fucker to leave me alone, or I quote, we'll fucking deck you.

Deck you? Oh, dude, I haven't heard that in so long. It's a good one. You wanna get decked? You fucking deck, you nerd. Well, he didn't take this hint, unfortunately, for him. Because in the third quarter, this asshole sneaks up on me in the line while I was getting a drink and some shit, and uses the same

MO as last time. Taps me on my shoulder, and I shit you not, I swung around and fucking decked this neon dragon piece of shit in the fucking nose faster than you can say hiccup. That's the word he chose? He's like, faster than you can say farfigniga, dude. Fucking faster than you say Mississippi. But he's like faster than you can say farfigny yeah uh fucking fast you say mississippi

but he's like no it was faster than that he goes what's a word that's not too short but what's a weird word not gonna lie best punch of my life i'm not ashamed to say it so naturally security and all this shit comes to swoop me away dude is this colin that wrote this email but the best part is since I knew the fucking jazz bear, he vouched for me saying I warned him earlier, so I guess didn't get to see the last quarter instead of an assault charge. Win-win for me!

Little did I know I'd soberly break my nose on the fucking free throw line three weeks later doing a fucking dumbass hamburger relay race. But I got 30 bucks to Wendy's, so there's that. Just call me going postal. And if you want more

or any more tripping stories, I've got demon-possessed girlfriend on acid jail night or giving random people who wanted some acid on a train the next fucking day story. I want the girlfriend acid. And if you need if you

need a reminder of what the mascot he's talking about is on acid that's probably what he saw around that that would be terrifying yeah i'd punch it you know what's so great about that it's what we've talked about before when people are dressed up in costume and then real life happens yeah so i just picture like this cop the cops and they're taking down things and it's him and then like a mascot he's like no dude he's cool he's cool he's with me did he get his story right and he just blows the birthday party horns out the nose and he goes is that a yes or a no two two blows for a yes one for now and he goes, is that a yes or a no? Two blows for a yes, one for a no. And he goes, Wait, was this belly?

He just won't snap out of character. He goes, sir, this is serious. Like that man over there, like he's knocked unconscious. He got fucking decked faster than you can say hiccup. Dude, he got decked. The cop's saying, dude, this guy got decked so hard. I need you to be.

I need you to be serious. He looks back. All you hear is like sneaker, like squeaks. He's doing the running man. Going like this. Sir. And he just don't. And he's like, just lifts up a t-shirt cannon gun.

Don't. Don't. And he just lifts up a t-shirt cannon gun. Don't. Don't. And he just goes. And then. Wiggles his butt. That was pretty good. God damn it. And he goes.

And then fucking runs down the corridor. The fucking shirt knocks popcorn out of somebody's hand and walks. Thank you. He grabs his fucking two foot long hot dog and a t-shirt just woo

woo alright that's it throws him up against the wall pocket full of confetti please throws him up against the wall can't get the cuffs on him

trying to cuff him but he's doing the worm those inflatable mascot costumes like the t-rex oh man that's funny to picture someone running for their life in an inflatable costume because it's just going flopping forward it's the one where the a looks like the aliens carrying the person stop those two people that guy whatever stop him the top part

just like he's just fucking running so fast oh my god that's funny alright well that's show 93 yeah it was

fucking loved it if you want to be part of the gaggle the party keeps going us and these Hawaiian these matching Hawaiian sweaters gonna keep rocking I'm gonna flip my head around. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast.

Go find a tier that's right for you. We got our socials. We got the YouTube version. You know where to find us. And then something you want to see on the show, send it in to heyguys at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. Then rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. Send us a... Hit up our beeper. Yeah. If you got something to say.

Page it in. We'll find a payphone, dude. We got this phone right here. It's linked right up to it. Thanks to Uncle Zach producing today's show and all the shows. Love you.

Love you. Be sure to check out everything that Zach's doing over at scatcast.com and that is scat with a K. He's the scat man. And thanks to the babysitters

that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on the Facebooks Fun spot I gotta tell you guys about something to wrap up the show Zach Good god Wrap it up already huh

Did you know Oh man That's not gonna link Hold on let me see if I can I'm gonna try and mute it and then see if it pops up and i can just bring this over to youtube because it's okay there we go well listen to me fuck me okay don't look uh here just like make noises okay great thank you so this is in a tiny festival or it's a festival that happens in this tiny town in Spain, Crasterigo de Murcia.

And it's a baby jumping festival. In short, just from traditions and how weird things get. As is tradition. As is tradition. They have grown ass men that dress up as devils. And then all of the babies that were born in the last year get lined up in the street and they just jump over babies.

Hmm. And the headline for this YouTube video says, Dangerous Baby Jumping Festival? It's not... What? What if they also let a bull out? Oh, that would be...

And mix it with the running of the bulls. That'd be one. Look at this. Sick. We're gonna get my fucking front row tickets Little people there. I know that the little town. Yeah. Oh nice fucking Istockiness line up all these babies

In there on their Sunday's babies. Well, they're within a year. Oh, yeah You got tiny ones. What look at all the people? the people i know i mean look at that kid just exhausted from getting jumped over but what how funny oh i'll jump her baby look there's no expression on the guy's face how hung over do you think he is oh good he almost didn't make that last one. Can you imagine how much trouble you'd get in if you kicked a baby? I mean, isn't that part of the risk? Like, when I went out and I used to jump those parking meters, right? Yeah.

I used to get crazy. Yeah, we do. Drinking booze, jumping meters. Jumping meters. And you'd make a few, and then that last one, you're kind of getting tired. So I would want to put my baby in the last one. I would want to be like maybe the third or fourth. You're just getting into that rhythm.

You're feeling good. Draw straws for the baby placement? Yeah. If you, the shortest straw has the last place. Guys are just beat by that time. Legs are done. Probably depends on how many babies were born too. I like to think about

this lady who just doesn't want to risk it. She's trying to hold out giving birth just to get into the next calendar year. She doesn't have to put her baby in the street. It's the first baby of that year, so it's born and the doctor

just goes, we're heading down to the baby festival. And you're like, can I see my baby? He's like, right after the devil jumps over it. Right after the devil. Right after the devil jumps over it.

Duh, you fucking idiot. Snaps the umbilical cord and like throws it back at her. Do something with that. Here, hold this. I'll be right back. Just runs out with your fucking baby.

Make sure it gets down to get jumped over by the devil. Hey, make sure she's sewn up. I want her bleeding out. I'm going to take her baby down to

get jumped over i mean you know we have to it's a thing it's a whole tradition tradition you're not gonna not get your baby jumped over by you want to be the only baby that didn't get jumped over what if that's that's like the legacies they're in like high school they have a and he's an outcast he's like oh he would be part of this class but he didn't get jumped over by the devil the fucking i mean bad, if you ask me. Right. He's getting bullied. They were late.

They're running late to the baby jumping festival. They got caught in traffic. The kid's just like sitting in back and the parents are fighting up front. This is on you. Trying to get this baby jumped. Oh, you had. You could have went. You could have taken a shit.

Oh, but right as we're leaving, now you got to take a shit. You had to curl your hair, just like drifting around corners. You, this taken a shit. Oh, but right as we're leaving, now you got to take a shit. You had to curl your hair just like drifting around corners. This is on you. This is on you. This kid's not getting jumped over today. Like trying to run to the back of the line with your baby to throw him on the last sofa. Fucking ridiculous. Fighting over that.

Ruining marriages. All right. Well, that's it. Bonus stuff. We'll keep going. If not, we'll see you guys next week. All right, then. Fuck yeah, dude.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.