Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Leaf Blower. Scrotum. Prescriptions. Pants Feet.

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

Everybody remembers that one guy who brought his leaf blower to the movie theatre, right? No? Let's talk about that, squishing cheese out of your shoes, maybe the best Nickelback song of all time, the future of augmented reality glasses, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/LXuNczheFAASend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Leaf blower, scrotum, prescriptions, pants feet. Double digits motherfuckers. I don't know why I swore but i did what why are you laughing i don't know i was just watching you yeah and i was gonna say something like uh no you seem so excited i want to ruin it no well that's not a fun way to go about the show you're like too excited fuck this guy well no i was letting you oh i see i didn't want to just chime in and steal it from you, so I was just watching. So the opposite. You were being graceful and nice. Yeah.

And then I'm the one that now just flipped it and ruined the movie. Yeah. You're the asshole that ruined the whole moment. I was just kind of like, okay. Look at him go. He's so happy. That was a friendly smile. I thought you did something to trick me.

No. Like there's a prank or an airbag under my chair. There might be. And you're just waiting. Double digits. Who knows? You knew exactly what I was going to say.

You voice command it. It's hooked up to Alexa. And if I say double digits, motherfucker, boom! I'm controlling it with my buttons over here in the arcade.

I'm waiting for you to say the right name and then launch me into the ceiling. Okay, here we go. Number 10 of Can You Don't. Your name is Brian Albram. Yeah, it is.

Your name is joe paisley and we are happy to be here thank you to all the new patreons from this past week number one way you can support the show is to go and sign up to be a silly goose a super silly goose or a super duper silly goose which has the bonus of getting your name on the motherfucking website a lot of names on there i know it's filling up we got the link in the episode description go check it out and then if you have something you want to see on the show i don't care what it is besides it can't be your peen hey guys at can you don't podcast.com well we could blur it out or put a black bar or something it's a real i mean yeah that's a fun game well if it was your

picture it would be like this long black bar off the screen that's so generous of you yeah i thought you're gonna go the other way you're. Like just not wasting a lot of ink. It's like a tiny little blotch. Is that a speck on the computer monitor? Trying to get the dirt off? Yeah. Oh no, it's a black bar. For the second time, back by popular demand, we're doing What the Fuck Just Happened?

Oh yeah. On the show today. Reminder, that's where we take an article or anything that we find online. Brian and I will turn it into a game show that you, the kids out there, can listen to show today a reminder that's where we take an article or anything that we find online brian and i will turn it into a game show that you the kids out there can listen to and play along as we reveal what the fuck happened in whatever we're talking about i'm excited to see what you brought i know i'm excited to see you brought too you're excited to see my brought yeah fuck i'm so hungry now just shove that brought down my throat enough dick talk okay um all right i mean that's pretty

much it for promoomo Out the Gate. Let's just shut up and get rolling. Does that sound good? Yeah, let's do it. Okay. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Okay.

So this week we are doing another Would You Rather. This one sent in by our wonderful son, Chris. And then we provided the other half. He's our stepson? When did he get kicked out who's his mom it says combo between stepson oh chris and us i didn't want to make him too included in the family he's yeah i i'm sorry okay i'm sorry chris you're halfway in halfway out buddy uh but here it is so would you rather sweat cheese god the visual of that moldy i don't fucking disgusting cheese so sweat cheese or you

have to use a leaf blower wherever you walk oh that'd get annoying dude for everyone every yeah it would be awful getting up first thing i thought about was getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and you just have to get your leaf blower out when i read that i didn't even think about in the house i just thought like walk into the store and you're outside how annoying that would be yeah but you're right in the house get up to go get a glass of water he's right get your fucking leaf blower out and i picture it's like it has to be the backpack one right oh yeah huge yeah a gas powered this thing pull the rip cord right stuff flying everywhere toys one way it's yeah that's a one good way to clean up the i made a video on that i'm setting teen it up yeah i cleaned the whole house with that with the leaf blower yeah so like that um oh yeah but also

walking around going to a store going to a movie grocery oh going down to the aisle in a movie theater excuse me during the movie you have to get up to go to the bathroom you turn on the leaf like everyone's cheeks are flapping sorry excuse me excuse me blowing their popcorn sorry sorry one second i have bad news i have to go back and sit down imagine like a a crowd it's like new york shoulder to shoulder traffic and you're walking along the sidewalk with a leaf blower i mean you kind of in some i'm in certain situations i'm gonna assume that you're helping kind of like uh it's fall and there's a lot of leaves on the ground and you're on the sidewalk that's a healthy helper tent if it's if you're blowing the stuff away from people you're right but you might be blowing it right into their face like a like a uh a neighborhood

sidewalk so now i mean kind of doing doing the lord's work yeah uh out there with that leaf blower but the second anybody like you know how this is the comparison i could i have off the top of my head when a car is driving by and you're weed whacking or you're mowing the lawn you courtesy stop your roll just so you don't shoot a rock into the fucking car right yeah that's kind of just and if someone doesn't you're like whoa bro like jesus you could have could have ended my life uh it's kind of the same with this leaf blower this dude be approaching you're like oh i don't know what he's doing out here with his leaf blower. But when he gets close to me, he's probably going to turn it off.

And this guy just doesn't turn it off. He passes you. He passes you. You go, hello! He's like trying to point it away. Like, sorry, excuse me. Can't turn it off. Yeah, that's the thing.

Like, if it's dirty, I mean, you're just blowing dust or ash or any sort of thing. Like, imagine going to the beach. The sand guy? You're taking all your stuff down the beach and you're just blowing sand into people's drinks on their blankets and everything. Beautiful day, isn't it? Huh? Beautiful day! Because remember, it's really loud.

It's got a motor. You're just always smiling with your headphones on? Yeah, you got the headphones on too. Give them a thumbs up. And then sweating cheese what's the first thing you think of when someone is sweating cheese what body part do you go to uh i mean besides my armpits from last week which yeah i don't know what's happening i go through these phases in my life where about once a year there's a stretch of a couple weeks where they're just water fountains does anyone else have this

happen i mean like there'll be normal sweaty pits and then every now and again it's just like hey about once a year, there's a stretch of a couple weeks where they're just water fountains. Does anyone else have this happen? I mean. Like, there'll be normal sweaty pits. And then every now and again, it's just like, hey, how about we ruin every shirt you have today and for the next several days? In your defense, we are in a small room. I know, but it happens outside. It's happening at the apartment. Like, it's dripping down my body.

Well, you're getting older. Oh, that's right. You got old guy sweats now. No, no. It's like the meat sweats. Is it just a thing now? You got the cheese sweats? Oh, yeah.

I hit 37. It just turns into a water fountain that was my water fountain noise not very good some asmr is that what that's called yeah so i turned the podcast off and don't listen anymore i think that's what they call that gross okay so what do you picture when you picture sweat uh armpits and um crotch area okay like some swaths. Like right. I'm not wearing any underwear because I've decided I'm not wearing underwear during the summer. Yeah. And so like you sweaty ass. So you're getting like ass cheese.

Like it's the nacho cheese dip kind of thing on your taint. Yeah. That's fun. Armpits. If you were upside down, it'd be a nice cheese bowl. Yeah. You could dip some things in. Well, what kind of cheese is it?

I think whatever. I think you get to pick the cheese. Like a good brie? Is it? The stinkiest blue cheese just moldy cheese out of mold growing out of oh it's getting caught in your armpit dude it would be the worst well imagine like going for a run that's okay that's right you're sweating that's it that's where i went marathon feets cheese smasher and it's not even like the smell it's the squish you're running on squish yeah you're shooting cheese out of your shoes here's like one of the only good things i have

a couple but um the first good thing i want to talk about here is if you are going on a hike you would only have to pack crackers true because then you already have all the dip yeah you're ready to go that's it and crackers are light so maybe that's maybe that's a bonus um i'm sure there's cheese fetish people out there oh yeah only fans you can start that up and just sweat your sweat your nacho cheese out of your face cheese you make like a hundred bucks or something well okay if you want if you want to go there think about like sex because here's a pickup line for you you're sweating but you're like oh you want some salami with for you you're sweating but you're like oh you want some salami

with that cheese talking about your penis break you off a piece of the salami stick imagine an orgy like just a bunch of dongs hanging around just salami and cheese

what is this party if everybody did it's a porno if you were the only one they could rent you out as like a weird mascot at a wedding you could be a walking

cheese fountain you just like cheese with this? Like, yeah, sure. And you just take your shirt off. And they just scrape it off your back. Scrape it off your body. Like through your back hair. Gross.

That's so gross. But imagine like a, I'm going to go back to the porn thing. Imagine like, you know, and they have like, it's one chick and like 10 dudes. Yeah. And they're just like. That's a gang bang, bro. Yeah, gang bang. Yeah.

Gang bro. You know, what's that thing called? What's that one term? Gosh, man. I've been looking it up since I'm three. dudes yeah and they're just like that's a gang bang bro yeah gang brain yeah gang bro you know what's that thing called um gosh man i've been looking it up since i'm three what is it okay holy holy saint over there um yeah i thought this was a new concept i was just creating so because i don't want to hear me out what if yeah there's one chick and five dudes yeah are you ever seen it yeah i've seen it running a cheese train but imagine so like here's they play into that whole thing where she's got she's the one that's what ten dongs yeah and she's she's like she's got takes like crackers and she's like scraping off of her and then putting the meat in the middle of the salami oh man you'd have a it'd be a bummer

if you're lactose intolerant oh yeah he's getting cheese shoved inside you i don't like that visual i can't i mean if you're lactose intolerant the cheese is coming out of you you must be constantly constantly sick vomiting and then you're yeah spewing cheese and then just to get us back on the right track here there's the other way where if you want to have sex you have to do it so slow no sweating she's allergic to cheese but you love her so it's just like barely moving the room is 14 degrees you got to make sure you do not the ac is cranked any cheese dripping on her forehead or anything like that oh you're on top going at it and sweaty just dripping cheese all Sweaty, just dripping cheese all over. She's laying there like going, oh.

God damn, there's cheese in her eyes. Fuck. Just let me know when you're done. I mean, you know, a sexy walk anywhere with a leaf blower. I'm not sure why that's funny to me. Like going down a runway. There's certain jobs you wouldn't have if you have to constantly have a leaf blower. But one thing you wouldn't have is friends ever well if you were if you want a little leaf blower club if you like if you if you were just let's say you're a workaholic okay and you're just yeah

you don't do a lot of extra stuff you could make a shitload of money just being a leaf blower guy and just like you have your own ways yeah you have your own business you just walk around blow everyone's thing i mean you just do it however long you want going up to the door to collect payment afterwards is funny like they're knocking knocking at the open of that he's fucking holding the leaf blower right in their face well it would be off because you'd be standing there oh you can turn it off when you stand yeah okay unless you're walking running in place and it's just on blowing their face you can stop right oh yeah yeah you're just a little so he walks up there turns it off and he takes the money and then you he'd shut the door yeah he'd turn around take off again room

out of there yeah i'm sure you could turn it into they have those leaf blower cars where people like sit on a chair and use the leaf blower to move them right it's getting really people you basically lay down and take a nap while you're mowing lawns now. I love it. It's so luxury. I can't sweat cheese, so I think I have to go with the leaf blower. And I think that... That seems like a thing that...

I can't do the cheese. So selfishly, yeah. I mean, if you're not worried about bothering other people with a leaf blower, that's the way to go. It's just a lonely life. Yeah. The lone leaf, they call you. Well you sweating cheese is a lonely life too unless you find some cheese pounds yeah some big cheese fiends unless you're yeah unless you're the fetish guy like yeah i just love cheese but like you're an only fans but that gets lonely too you're collecting checks but lonely

fans lonely fans there you go lonely fans are those only fans accounts they don't have any followers and that might be you if you're sweating cheese you're fucking lonely fans account you know i you know that okay i want to hear some cheese or like food fetishes from people send that in hey guys yeah um can you down podcast.com whatever the email is you nailed it yeah i've never done i haven't done that yet so i was like wait did i say that right how'd it feel weird because that's usually what you do it's just built into me you're you're so much better at that kind of stuff that i'm more of like a reaction guy you will be amazed how fast you could catch me it's not like it's crazy town

i've seen you run you're not that fast okay you're all arms fuck you bro you're all biceps i run on my hands now fucking catch me bro that's why your arm is so huge uh i'm gonna go i'm gonna go leaf blower too yeah great um all right let's move on we do have plenty to talk about we're for the next segment see you can can you beat that intro that i just did no i told you i can't go fuck all right are you is that a challenge it kind of was i guess butchered it but we're gonna move on now okay okay hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about okay what are you thinking about what are you thinking about what are you thinking about

this week we've decided that we're just going to... We both have things that we really, really want to talk about. So we're just going to do both of them. That's what we're going to do. Because we're excited about them and they're kind of related to your body. There's nothing you can do about it. And you can't... Unless you're in here right now about to slap me, you can't stop me.

There's no one here. Ezra's not here. Nobody's here. We can do whatever we want. He didn't yell at us when we got in here. Ezra, our boss is gone. Yeah. Okay uh okay you go first you start us off here all right um so this is something that i've i don't know i've i just one day started thinking about it and i'm like wait why do we do this kind of thing and then i started asking people and they didn't really know why we do it some people have reasons that they think we do it and for whatever reason but it's basically like for sneezing or a bodily function okay so specifically it started when i

started thinking about it it was sneezing so when someone sneezed and someone's like bless you or excuse you i got thinking like why do we why do we acknowledge that and i know like and people say like well back in you know back in 500 000 bc people sneeze and they're like oh bless you because it was like demons or whatever trying to get the demons out or yeah whatever the the hell and it's like okay well that was that was back when and was going around like there it is yeah that was way back then why do we still do that and i you know i ask people these questions they're like well i think it's just good manners to do that. And I'm thinking, why is that fucking good manners?

If I make a Bali function, it's on you. Like a weird reversal of respect. So I sneeze and I'm staring at you, waiting for you to acknowledge that I sneezed. And I've been in that situation where I've been doing something and you can feel them looking and you're like, oh yeah, bless you. Like, whew, thank you. I can move on with my day now. And see, I don't say it anymore because I think it's dumb. Because you're like oh yeah bless you like whoo thank you i can move on with my day now and see i don't say it anymore because i i think it's dumb because you're and then so then people say like well it's and then i've asked people um they're like well it's just good

manners to do that so then i think and i don't want people to think of just a fucking animal okay so i don't say it because i think it's dumb to say it but then at the same time what as i'm not saying it i'm thinking the whole time like what are they thinking are they thinking that i don't have manners yeah and and then then i started thinking about like should i just say it just to get out of this situation yeah yeah and they may not even care but now i'm obsessed with the fact that they think that i should say it and i'm not and i think we just should just fucking end all acknowledgement if i when people burp and they're like oh excuse, excuse me, or they cough and say, excuse me, why do you have to apologize for doing that?

Yeah. Why did we do that? I don't, I don't have an answer for you. Let's eradicate all of that. Why did it become rude? Now I would get, I would say a burp or a fart can be kind of rude. I would say that. Sure. Given that you're like, oh, you know, sorry, excuse me fart can be kind of rude i would say that sure given that like you're like oh you

know sorry excuse me like that kind of bit but if you're like oh sorry weird i mean you're just like you didn't mean to cough yeah i'm so sorry i don't know situational if it's quiet and something's going on and you get something happens like oh sorry excuse me you give a little like a little hand one hand on the chest the other one comes out forward and you go excuse me like that's kind of the the gesture sorry

sorry excuse me please don't stab don't stab me sit down don't kill me please don't kill me put the gun down yeah it's that kind of

defensive thing so if it's quiet I can see and excuse me but if it's out and about in your library yeah lift up the leg on the wooden seat

toot right oh sorry excuse me and then the library she goes bless you yeah wait wrong thing wrong thing wrong hole i just i don't know i are you blessing that hole i guess you i guess like i guess i get it like it's acknowledgement like oh look but still like it's everyone does it everyone shits everyone pisses everyone coughs everyone coughs so like when you do that all of a sudden you're supposed to be ashamed that you did it like taking a shit is kind of

a shameful act when you think about it like people you get embarrassed like when i go take a shit and i'm in a public restroom i'll like i'll wait till i hear everyone leave before i get out to wash my hands because i don't want to walk out and do that walk of shame. And what I usually do is I run out and hit the urinal. So it flushes and then go to the sink. So if someone walks in, the urinal's flushing and they can look over the guy like, oh, he owe me a beer.

That guy destroyed. Some other guy destroyed. I just piss in the urinal. Yikes, huh? That is a weird thing. Everybody knows exactly what you're talking about, too. I'm not sure if it's the same shenanigans it has to be in the girl's bathroom they don't have a urinal to flush though so yeah it's a little easy they're all kind of in on the same thing it's we pissing or shitting and nobody knows they have like nice smelling things in there men's couches you can't have matches in the men's bathroom they'll set the ceiling on fire

like it's just things you can't have in there the alcohol and in matches aren't a good thing yeah they just have a trough i like that's one thing i don't think women understand is that when you go into the bathroom public you're standing your dick is a foot and a half from somebody else's yeah and if they're exposed if they have a big one it's even closer yeah it's even closer and it's deeper yeah you get it um but that is weird like having to be sorry for your own bodily yeah functions i think it's just weird and then and then i've people said well it's rude um to not to not say bless you or something and that's when it's like okay it's one thing to say it's it's good manners to

do that i'm a bad person exactly that's that's the issue that i have it's not that it's just good manner yeah it's like oh he wasn't raised right because he didn't say it. And now it's like, now my parents look bad because they didn't teach me to say bless you. So now I'm affecting my generations before me. I wonder if there's a prank out there where someone sneezes and then just fucking death stares the person next to them until they're like, oh, bless you. And they're like, thank you. Thank you. And then they walk back on.

I'm not sure if that exists. Are you a bless you guy? Yeah, I guess it depends. But I'm saying it more as being funny bless you like i'll just kind of yell it and the further away the sneeze is the funnier it is for me to bless them yeah like if it's a super distant sneeze like a block away i barely catch and i just go bless you yeah that's funny to me um if no one else says it i guess i'll say it but i'm not going to be the first to bless anybody i'm the last person that should be out there blessing people you know what i mean yeah i know what you mean so my dad used to say gesundheit and when we were kids so i've when i would

sometimes even you know like to this day sometimes i'll just throw that out there because it's it's i think it's a fun it's a word german word but it, but it's just kind of a funny word too. And so I'll throw that out there. But for the most part, I want us to eradicate that because then no one has to feel awkward for not saying it. And the other day, I was talking to my sister. She was sneezing and there was someone going, bless you. She sneezed again. Oh, bless you.

She sneezed again. Oh, bless you. Wait for the sequence to be over. You don't need to acknowledge every single fucking one of them. I think it progressively should be more aggressive. If you get one. Bless you. Yeah. You get a bless you and you go, whoa, bless you.

Third one's like, fucking knock it off. Yeah. Like that. You got to shut it down. If they do it one more time, you get to punch them. I guess a fun game. So now you're shaming the person for sneezing. No.

At first you were nice. They did it to themselves by sneezing too many times in a row. And that is something they need to go to the doctor about. Are you going to hold in a sneeze? Yeah, it hurts. I'm not sneezing. Exactly. Let that shit fly.

I'm not punching anybody who's sneezing. You know when you have a sneeze and it comes up and you're like, oh yeah, because it feels good. Oh yeah. And then it just goes away. You're like, oh. So then I grab something like a shoelace and start tickling my nose. Or your shoelace? Or something.

You take your shoes off and start tickling your nose? Something that I could make myself sneeze. What the fuck is that guy doing? And you're just in public? I almost sneezed. I'm at the airport. I take my shoe off and I'm tickling my nose with it. And he's like, sorry, I almost sneezed.

And I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? It's like blue balls for your nose. Yeah, it is. When it goes away. You know you if you have a sneeze you go out and you look at the sun it'll make it go yeah a little boost make it go zoom tight i don't sorry it makes it go zoom tight yeah um okay anyway so that's where i'm at on that i like that and i want to hear people's opinions so go ahead and get in here tell us why people bless and is it fucking weird and should we stop and yeah okay um okay so here's something that i actually just started recently thinking

about um and just to be clear out the gate that's some fucking that's metal shit dude so i've been fucking about it i can put magnets on my arms right now it's so metal metal baby it's in me veins uh not the right vibe for what i was going for so just to be clear i am not dating i'm not fucking do i'm not if i would i would ruin anything i went out it was a part of for a long time so i'm not out there dating however i do realize that i am brand new to this world that didn't exist the last time i i was a part of it it's a whole it's a whole new world single life you mean yep single life uh and the app shit didn't exist um 16 years ago and then now it is every single thing like that's just like everyone's out there swiping it's almost weird to not meet somebody online um i personally

do not ever plan on signing up for a single fucking one of those i just don't i don't know why i feel like i'm a grandpa on TikTok. Like I shouldn't be there. It's kind of cute and funny that you are. Just get the fuck off. I think you kind of missed your prime. If you weren't there when I started, you can't get on later. I'm kidding.

Are you talking to me? No. I'm just talking in general. Like not to you right now. Will you point it right at me and then you're like, I think you should be off there. Get off. What I'm getting at is. No, I'm just just i'm talking with my hands here this is how i make a living you're the only person to yell at right uh no so i hope i never have to get on them uh

but we'll fuck whatever we'll cross that bridge we get there but as i was thinking about it the number one complaint that people have is you just really don't know who you're meeting and you don't know what you're getting into and a lot of times it's like a lot of relationships even friendships it starts fine and then if you're like oh shit crazy comes out yeah whatever the thing is you're like oh fuck me and then maybe at this point you made a bad move and you moved in too soon and you're like oh shit like what am i gonna do so here is what I'm thinking. I think that you and I, Bri guy, we should start a dating app. Work, name in progress, work in progress. Working title.

Working title, progress. Where the dating app, everybody's pro. Can I stop you real quick? Sorry. I just had an itch under my knee pit. Is it a knee pit? Yeah, sure. I'm sweating.

Look at this. I'm sweating so bad i imagine if that was cheese you guys are over there licking your fingers like licking the cheese off my fingers like keep going it's not distracting or anything there's cheese coming out from the brim of your head it's just like jesus my jesus christ my knee oh yeah well done thank you my knees are bent so i didn't and then i opened them up to just kind of air it out. And it's like, it's actually dripping down my leg. It's hot. So go ahead.

Anyway, sorry. Okay, so we got to build a dating app. Okay. And here's how I think we get to a better place for everybody. The profile picture for everybody. The first picture you see, no matter what profile it is, is just a picture of what prescription drugs they're on. Oh, I like that. whatever medicine they're taking and then the next one can be your headshot

are you holding a fish or whatever the fuck you're doing your long walk on the beach yeah whatever that is but the very first one it's just showing pizama jam or whatever fucking drug you're on and this other thing for that and that and that and so you know you're like okay well they're taking some steps to correct this but i've seen this before and i don't do well with this right so every you just kind of see a snapshot we call it snapshot a snapshot into their into their brain and their medical history you're like you know what if i don't want to fall in love with this guy because he has heart problems right or whatever it is i don't care what it is uh but then you might be thinking if you're out there right now and you're clean you're like i have nothing i'm taking nothing sometimes that's worse yeah so don't think that you're going

to be dominating this snapshot app if that's the name we go with because maybe you should be on medication and you're not we all know those dudes where it's like i'm on anything anything bro one thing i need is the gym bro it's like god maybe you should be on something else because that's uh i hate that too whatever whatever calms that down to bring it back down take some of that yeah no but uh yeah so whatever whatever medications you're on whatever the name of it is uh which is a whole nother topic that I'd like to talk about. Why do these names even exist? I get it for medical reasons. You have Pazamajamajine, Pazamajamafram.

And on the back end, it's like, no, it's called Blackoff or whatever the fucking nickname of it is. Pazamajamajine, that should be like nighttime medicine. Right. Pazamajamasaurus. At least if you have the name sort of in it right like a little segue pajam yeah like the jam shit yeah so you put them up in your medicine cabinet pj and you're looking for jam and yeah pajam calm down come down a friend yeah

yeah yeah yeah uh less less sad sad as? Like what a schizophrenia medication is like. I don't know. Not. I don't know. Less people-azam? Alone people. Yeah. I don't know.

One. Voices in my head-azam? No. But the names, just change them to the names of the things that they're going to fix. Like that's what I think. Like it should be heart pill. Like that would help me out so much. This just says heart on the front of it.

I don't need that that and then it says the norframajam somewhere else well underneath it in parentheses in case your doctor needs to see it yeah but just label it just say heart headache balls wiener like whatever you're taking stuff it just has it right on it and then if you have two of them those like heart pill number two yeah and it's just a lot cholesterol everything is right there because i went to the doctor for my heart and they started asking me what prescriptions I was on. And I was like, I don't know the names of them.

They're like, oh, what is it for? I'm like, sadness. They're like, okay, well, buterin. I'm like, yeah. I remember that. I told, I called Erin. I was like, what? He's like, she's like, well, he's on, well, Melbrook.

Yeah, whatever it is. Melbrook citrin. I don't fucking know. Yeah, Melbrook citrin. What the hell did you say? It just starts being mean to people. Like, you're just like super entitled If you start taking Mel Brooks

Cam Wait you don't like Mel Brooks? I don't know You can get the hell out Did he do some stuff? I don't know Wasn't he the one that did mean shit? What?

You know anti-Semitic rants? No That's Mel Gibson Yeah Mel Brooks did That's Mel Gibson Mid in time That's Mel Gibson That would be Anti be uh uh anti-jews of fram no jews of fram um no but just name it what it is because that's i could do that like what

do you want i'm like oh like this heart feet wiener like whatever the hell it is it doesn't matter um but then right fungus and then this whole thing is leading me to think about how fucking weird these prescription commercials are anyway and yes you'd go to other countries and i'm not sure if you probably you might know this you might not they don't have prescription drug commercials in other countries like that's not a normal thing for you to be going to your doctor and sales pitching him on what drugs he should be giving you. That's fucking weird. It's super weird.

But even weirder that I have noticed this trend over the last decade or so with these prescription drug commercials is how the side effects have changed. Where it used to just be this fast thing, get the run of the mill, diarrhea, stomach, nausea, dizziness. Like your normal standard bullshit, right? And like, which is, I'm sorry, vomiting, might die. Irregular heartbeat. of the middle diarrhea stomach nausea dizziness like your normal standard bullshit right and like which is i'm sorry vomiting might die uh irregular heartbeat that's so ridiculous like you're taking medication into that and you're like you could do suffer from all these things yeah and you're like oh is it what would i rather have a heart attack or my colon fall out of my ass i'm about to have a colon fall out of my house at least i'm not dying of a heart attack right um but anyway so i noticed that it was just part of that that collection of of side effects and it would say weight loss

like that would be a part of it now over the course of the last 10 years it has slowly morphed into a selling point for these fucking drugs it went from just a part of the side effects to now they read all the side effects and then the actor comes forward and does a pose and he goes and i might lose a little weight and you're i'm like what the fuck what is happening how is this okay like they're using this uh i don't know schizophrenic drug i don't think that's one of them but they're using that and then also marketing it as losing 10 pounds right and also stopping the voices in your head well It's just such a weird combination. And you gain a person because you walk around the corner, you drop a couple LBs, and this attractive woman sees it.

So, yeah, they're tying in like, man, I might lose a little weight. And they do this shitty smile, and I fucking hate it. I see the guy doing that, too. And he's like playing golf or something. Yeah, and they grab this. And I might lose a little weight. They grab their stomach, and they're like, man, I might shrink a little bit. And then he tees off

and then gets in the cart and drives off with his buddies and it says personal drive record like he broke it because he's losing weight for his whatever but that

what else are they going to tie in what other weird benefits do they start tying into other shit we're like and I'd have a hard dick for four hours

and you're like what the shit does that have to do with migraines like you're like I don't well if I'm going to have a headache

at least I'm going to have a lot of sex. Right. Like a sleeping pill that fucking, like, gives you an erection. I don't know. But they're going to tie in other weird shit. I just thought that was weird. I had to address it. It's been pissing me off for a long time.

If you can't tell. Yeah. I mean, it's. I think those commercials are funny anyway because they show this guy, like, he's got erectile dysfunction or something and he's pushing some old hot broad on a on a swing like a tire swing yeah we can't show the guy's erect penis but we can show him pushing a swing pushing a swing and like and subtle little hints like tonight you're gonna i'm gonna give it you on this. Like they're cleaning a long dish together. Yeah.

She's polishing a rod. That's the longest plate I've ever seen. That's a weird shaped plate. It's like a Thanksgiving plate. Made for holding that big ass turkey. Just even longer and skinnier. Anyway, so. You're good at stuffing.

If you're out there, would you sign up for my app? You're going to send a picture of prescription drugs i think that's pretty funny i do love that because you just you like i'm not fucking serious calm down but it is really funny to me but it but it is funny like you let's say you had a relationship where someone took pizama jam and they're like oh man i remember what that did to him or her at bedtime they went nuts or whatever so you get to see that you're like hallucinating yeah like i know i don't want to deal with that again it's like nothing against her personally but i just couldn't handle the hallucinations i couldn't handle the

dragons on the ceiling right or whatever your partner was seeing yeah okay great i'm trying to sleep i don't need to hear about imagine your imagine dragons cds your fucking quest that you just went on and i want to go to bed thank you so then you flip through and you see another one it's like it's for um for our erections and you're like well i've seen where this goes i see where this goes yeah yeah or but on on the other side of you're like okay i'm still sore i can go all night right you know like uh you you don't want to I guess if you Erection and an eating disorder

Yeah Yay Well There you go But right out of the gate You know This guy Likes to fuck

And he's bipolar And he's bipolar yeah And if you're into that sort of thing Then that's That's your thing Fucking perfect And then you swipe right And you set up a date

Set up a date At your local pharmacy Could you Could you pick up your Medicine together Go your local pharmacy could you pick up your medicine together go to right aid could you could you imagine the person swiping and then that person gets a notification and they look at that account and they're like i don't know because she sees she sees dragons or you guys have the same ones. You're like, yikes. Yeah, that's a recipe for disaster. You know how bad it is on your end?

You're like, I would not want to date me. Yeah. That'd be awful. Well, that's good self-awareness. It is. You've got to be honest with yourself. Maybe you like to be told stories. And you're like, oh, she's got some fun dragon stories right before bed.

You're like, I like to be told stories before bed. I'm a baby at bedtime. Yeah. If I can tuck me in. Maybe it works. Daddy dragon. Okay, let's okay let's move on we gotta do a game show you ready oh if it was khaleesi i would i don't care what medication she's on it's a swipe right or whatever direction yeah uh okay let's play the game show burner alive and she wouldn't die which is weird but fine it's a weird fetish weird fetish i have right they all keep dying i know why you

never got to find the uh immortal ones and you only do that by lighting one fire it's a vicious cycle are we gonna live forever no we find out all right let's do it ready yeah okay live from the can you don't studios in beautiful downtown cordelaine idaho everyone's favorite game show. At least one that's on a podcast. What the fuck just happened? Hi. Hey.

Do you want to go first or do you want me to go first for? I'm going to play this again. Just. Oh, shit. Sick. I can even turn it up. Watch this for the.

Right on the kick in. Oh, here it comes. Here it is. Building up. Oh, here it comes. Here it is building up. The halftime. I don't know why that's so funny to me today. Just way too aggressive for what we're doing. Okay, so we turn articles or things that we find on the internet into game shows.

Play along with us at home and we'll see how many points you get and compare it to us. Do you want to go first? Or do you want me to go first? Points don't matter. Points don't matter, but we'll find you and we will kill you. I'll go first.

Okay. Do it. I'll go first and then you just leave. Well, I thought you were going to say, oh yeah, and then I was waiting

for you to say something. Gladly, Brian. Acknowledge me. What do you have for me? When I say something, you acknowledge me. Yes. Go ahead.

All right, we're going to head across the pond to Scotland. Okay. I'm turning off my screen so I don't even look at your questions. Don't look at my shit. Okay, go ahead. Okay, over in Scotland, there is a heated debate going on about who is chosen as the first. This person was chosen as the first person for this job.

Okay. He'll have this job on a brand new government campaign. On a brand new car. It's brand new car it's a new car okay brand brand new campaign got it it's a new act that just came into law he's expected to lead regional campaigns across schools colleges wider in wider communities to raise awareness on this new law um and you say like whiter or wider wider okay wider. Okay. Wider. I was like, okay. With a D. All right.

I was like, all right, weird KKK article. Here we go. We need more whiteness around the world. It's like, okay, all right. And so a new law to ensure that Scottish government funding is allocated properly for this new thing. Okay. So his name is Jason Grant. His previous jobs include account manager for Imperial Tobacco.

He's a former well-being officer for Dundee and Angus College. I'm assuming that's in Scotland also. And he's also had his own personal training company. Okay. So that's his background. All right. What do you think the new job that he was chosen for is? What is it? What is the job okay is he a president of the

campaign for tobacco free kids b period dignity period dignity officer for period dignity working group so that's a mouthful to say chief visionary officer for global wellness institute institute um or d abstinence coach for stop masturbating now.org oh man um good jobs in there i'm going b or b or d uh or two or three or two or four whatever four um c is out because institute doesn't make sense inside of that global wellness institute it just i don't know why it doesn't make any sense to me coalition it's a real place is it ah fuck me um i'm gonna blow it then but i think it's going to be either the period one or the stop masturbating now so just so you know these are all real those are all real they're all those, these are all real. Those are all real. They're all, those four things are all real. Okay.

I feel like it would be weird to put a dude in charge of a period task force. It just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Ireland isn't that wacky. Scotland. Scotland. Right next door. The Irish are going to be pissed. Same thing.

I'm going to go with D with d i'm gonna go with stop masturbating now okay so you're going with d the abstinence coach for stop masturbating now dot org man that's a weird job ah dude okay yeah i'm going with d okay just because i don't know all right that's what joe's going with is a coach for stop masturbating now.org okay coach thanks coach just a whistle knock it off actually no stop it thanks coach sorry i was about to punch it every some kids like slowly pulling down his pants. Hey! Hey! No. Nope. Up. Down and give me 20. Up. Up.

Put that down and give me 20. Yeah, put that down and give me 20. Not 20 strokes. No. Push-ups. 20 pushies. Alright. Okay.

So, dick. So, question number two. What is the new law that was passed that started this whole fiasco? Alright. Was it A, free masturbation shockation shock rings b free tobacco-less cigarettes c free sanitary period products or d well i'm i'm handcuffed now go ahead free health conscious energy bars and these aren't necessarily the second questions aren't necessarily real they're framed to fit the first yeah i

noticed that so if i could either go i can disperse my choices and not go for 100 on these by a masturbation shock ring god damn it that's so funny why is that so funny it's like a shock collar for a dog every time he starts to jerk just starts this motion and it zaps i'm washing i'm washing my clothes you're like scratching someone's back and it starts shocking you'll be funny as if there was a guy that was in control of that so he's just watching him every time he's like he's sitting in a room with a bunch of cameras every time his kid pulls his pants he has a little punch board yeah like c12 god damn it um i think i'm gonna i'm gonna do a different approach and just hope that i get it right i'm going with free period things the free sanitary period products okay i'm going

with that i'm spreading it out because that was my other option on number one so instead of going balls deep on the masturbation stuff i'm gonna spread it out you're gonna dig in on the i'm gonna spread out my point choices i'm gonna hope that i get at least one or both of them correct okay i can't get both correct sorry one of two go ahead and maybe the three will be the the tie breaker all right so he's going with free sanitary period products all right yeah masturbation the shock rings are a lot more fun though they are fun i mean i can't imagine being fun but you you know what i mean maybe one person that was shocking okay so question the last question question number three why are people so upset with jason getting this job no okay is he a um or a he's not a doctor and shouldn't be giving

health advice to young children and adults okay b masturbates like a fiend And that would be super hypocritical C. He's a dude And has no business mansplaining periods To women Or D. He previously worked for a tobacco company And will probably be selling Cigs to the kids behind the gym in recess That would be such a weird Like I am not comfortable

Just back there come here How many sticks Whatever cool I don't know cool cig terms like i am not comfortable just back there come here timmy how many how many how many you need whatever cool i mean i don't know cool sig terms but i never never got into it i'm sure someone will call them sticks or something well f-a well oh yeah yeah they used to be called that or a darts canadians call them darts that's weird going out and having a dart dart let's go have a dart dart dart eh um let's go back and have a dart dart it's just a weird word all the dirt um well he has no business mansplaining periods but he also is not

going to be a doctor but i don't know if that's the issue of them not being a doctor it's about him mansplaining periods i'm going mansplaining periods because to hand out free products you don't have to be a doctor that's final answer c okay that's it all right that's it that's it okay so how'd we do i wish i wish i had a button that would better uh give me okay whatever i don't have any tense music yeah oh okay that's pretty good all right what and the answers are all right so here's the here's the actual story okay a scottish group appoints man as first ever period dignity regional lead. Yeah. I thought you were going to get on the first question.

I was going to get the first one? Yeah. And then you would have had all three. I know. So you actually got two out of three, which isn't bad. Isn't bad. Because I can see your brain working on the on the the the you know the period stuff yeah um so scotland was the first country in the world to provide free and universal access to

period products when it passed the period products free provisions uh act okay which became a law this week which is weird that it's not like that across the entire planet but here we are it's yeah the first country to do that yeah it's fucking weird so glad i don't have china i know right oh man oh dodge that one dodge the bullet there no rights no products all right pushing babies out gotta clean up blood all the time dodge that bullet. So critics are calling the appointment absurd. Peak gender idiocracy. I have... Have we ever... So this was Martina Navratilova.

Okay. The old tennis player. Have we ever tried to explain to men how to shave or how to take care of their prostate or whatever? That was a tweet that she sent out. So this is the kind of reaction that we're getting. It's like, why is a man trying to explain menstruation and periods to everyone i'd rather i don't know but if you want to if you want a female wants to show me how to do a prostate exam you know what i mean yeah yeah just kidding

so back to you so i think this is what the the reasoning i don't i mean i'm not not trying to justify but i think this is what you're thinking um i think being a man will help well this is what jason said i think being a man will help me break down barriers reduce the stigma and encourage more open discussions although affecting women directly periods are an issue for everyone so i think a lot of there's like women women having period it's that work he winks at the end places he's like in the effect everyone yeah yeah right bros right yeah oh do they women right wink one week out of there you can't fucking you know can't do anything walking on eggshells in this motherfucker yeah that is weird so i think that they're what they're doing is trying to

do i don't they don't have to hire a man to do that they're probably just what i don't know he was maybe just what's the most quality his resume was probably so i'll tell you what um so by changing the culture encouraging the debate and removing the stigma around periods we look forward to supporting the delivery of this important work across the region the job ever the job advert said suitable candidate needed a successful track record of engaging and empowering a large range of people from a diverse range of cultural and socio-economical backgrounds which makes sense but this last part in particular young people who menstruate

okay and then so you hire a guy to do that. Specifically, young girls who start menstruating. We need a man to do that. He lied on his resume. Yeah. He's like, all I do is menstruate. You kidding me? Yeah, all the time. Oh, wow.

Okay. Listen, he lied on his resume. I don't know how he got in here, but he's pretty good. Well, he worked in tobacco. And he was a personal trainer. So, of course, he's qualified to talk about periods. It's like profession in Excel, proficient in powerpoint menstruating all the time good at this i've dated women who menstruate so i've had to deal with women there's no it can't be that different right um so what i find funny about this and i was as i was writing this stuff

down and i started i was looking at menses and menstruation it just it kind of clicked in my head it's kind of funny that even the word menstruation has men in it like a word that's meant to do that even has the word men in it yeah um so the world honestly so it does make sense to have a man do it that's what you're going for that's what i bottom line um okay okay they made the right decision two out of three not bad better than the last time we did this yeah here's my story for you okay here's just a little bit of setup for you we are heading to ohio thanks to our amazing daughter sarah who sent this my way yeah is ohio the florida of the north i don't know sure but this story is in the medical field which i know that you're an expert in so you shouldn't have any problem with this so let's move on to the first

question a 72 year old unidentified man's life changed forever when he discovered what happening in his nether region okay ready a his penis had started splitting in half down the middle. B. His nutsack started whistling. C. His testicles completely disappeared and he's, quote, pretty sure they were there yesterday. And D. His naughty rocket was so aggressively erect it started to bleed through the pores. Naughty rocket? Mm-hmm. It's a medical term. I just visualized his dick splitting in two and

then like forming until now he's got two dicks it's like a weird alien it's like medusa but like but dick susa p-dusa uh-huh i think i've heard something about balls whistling damn it i think i hope you pick it then you can fucking lose the whole thing god well i want to say that the splitting that just seems too ridiculous what was c c was that his testicles completely disappeared but he was pretty sure they were there yesterday okay so that one's out and then d was what again naughty rocket it started bleeding through the pores yeah i'm i'm going with the whistling balls. Fine. Sounds good to me. So number two, once taken to the hospital, he was given an x-ray. This x-ray discovered what?

A, the man had somehow grown a literal bone inside his penis. B, nothing. But the process of getting ready for the x-ray led to a new discovery. C, he had excessive amounts of air floating within his body. Or D, the man had a small but live animal deep inside his colon. A little whistling animal. Yeah. It was just a little animal.

Whatever that one song was the hamster dance well well i guess i think what makes sense for me to go with if if i chose whistling having extra air in his body yeah makes the most sense because that air's got to go somewhere it's gotta get out of there so i'm gonna i'm gonna pick that okay c is your choice then yeah and then question three doctors were eventually able to locate the source of the issue that source involved them finding what on the patient an open wound on the left side of his scrotum that's a b multiple injection sites on the shaft of the penis where the man had injected a literal a lethal amount of botul or what is it botulinum toxin botox botulinum botulinum i don't know see this is why it should be called not fucking exactly yeah i don't care it's bot Done. Move on. So he injected that.

Oh, he had C, rope burns on his taint that had gotten infected. Rope burns? Or D, there was a literal tattoo of an old-timey sign pointing and saying, source of the issue. um well i think it's either a or b because the rope burn god unless he's into some really weird fetish stuff you know this is a deep cut and d is i feel like is out yeah it'd be so weird if d was in um holy shit would you look at that doctor get in here look at this it's the source of the issue. Oh, hi, dogs. I'm not going to yell at my dogs this time. Yeah.

Because everyone couldn't hear him last time. Oh, I can hear him. Mm-hmm. God, the Botox thing is interesting because maybe he tried to, like, doesn't Botox expand or fill? Like, did he try to make his dick bigger? That would be the trick. Oh, no, but...

Filling, yeah, just injecting it. The original one was about his balls, though, right? The original question. That was your guess. No, you guessed about that. I know, that was my guess, right? Mm-hmm. I think I'm going to stick with the balls, then.

Okay. Because if I change it, the best I can do is tie you. Mm-hmm. So I'm going to go with that, and I'm going to go all in. Go for the win. I'm going to go all in. Go all in with the balls.

Alright, well are you ready for me to read the full article? So a nightmare turned into reality for an Ohio man who was alarmed and heard weird noises coming from his genitals. He had a hissing noise. Had been diagnosed as the first person in the world with a

whistling scrotum. First person? Well, yeah. Yeah,? Well, fucking yeah. That makes sense. Yeah, I guess that makes sense. The first you don't say. What? My uncle's been whistling from his dick or his fucking ball set. Whistling Dixie?

Whistling Dixie. My uncle's been whistling Dixie for fucking a decade. So he was out of breath, had a swollen face, went to the hospital, and they all found out the stuff. The x-ray had excessive amounts of air floating around his body. So he went in at one point, and he had a testicle surgery to reduce swelling that was five months earlier. So when this air got trapped inside of him, the only place it could come out was through this wound that he had just gotten through a surgery next to his nuts. So you got all three correct.

Oh, okay. through a through a surgery uh next to his nuts so you got all three correct oh okay so then it just started whistling out of his fucking nuts because he had a bunch of air in them which will kill you you can't just have air floating around in your fucking body where was the air just in his body why didn't it come out of his causing his lungs to collapse if left untreated this could be permanently damaged to his heart his his lung function, potentially leading to death, doctors reported. So, yeah, the primary source of the man's strange whistling was an open wound on the left side of his scrotum. What a fucking nightmare. But how weird to come across that.

Where you're like, your what is what-ing? You're thinking your ear's ringing or something. What the fuck? What's whistling? It sounds like a teapot. i don't know how loud yeah i'm guessing it's just like a hit like a yeah like air slowly coming out of a tire yeah exactly or like a um a hole in like a floaty thing right yeah but it'd be funny if it was like like a like a like a windstorm when it's howling and it's howling winds yeah but that is

so true the air was caused because of the surgery no i maybe it didn't say in this article where it came from um it's just say that maybe it came through like an open cut or something along the line but it's a rare condition not particularly coming from your scrotum but they say like 60 cases like this have been described since the air can't escape through the body's orifices the air usually requires medical intervention but in this case the air just pushed itself out of the nutsack because so that's what i was thinking so like actually if it wasn't had didn't have to do with that surgery if he's a good thing he did have the surgery because they left a wound or something. Am I saying that right?

Yeah. Like, if he didn't have that surgery, they wouldn't have escaped. Wouldn't have gave a whistle place. An alarm. An alarm. It's like, ding, turkey's done. But it's more like your health.

Right. You're going to die. Yeah. So, yeah. Good on his balls for... Yeah. Good on your balls. Fucking hand it. Well well done gotta hand it

to you well done you know what i mean um all right well you fucking beat me good for you idiot uh how did everybody else do at home hope you guys did as good as us and enjoyed playing along with what the fuck just happened when you asked that question i was waiting for somebody to answer like instinctually and then i didn't hear anything. I had a good time. Like, how many people got those right? Boo. Oh, man. Let's go to the audience,

the live audience. Want crickets? We'll add sounds later. Okay, I have some good news. Do you want to take a look at that? Yeah. Okay, let's do it.

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! All right, Bride Guy. I was able to find something super sweet

And nice on the interwebs Good! Something good happened All on my own this week Yeah I wasn't even sent in I went out and found the good stuff You've been carrying the load of this show for a while

Well, you carried it for weeks yourself When I was going through my shit We're sharing each other's loads Soon we'll get back to having an equal load share. Okay, so this is just a really cool story about technology because I love when technology is used for good and not used to advance killing people. And pharmaceutical drugs.

A company has created augmented reality spectacles that play subtitles of conversations happening in the real world. So if you don't know what augmented reality is, first, I don't know where you've been, but a quick explanation, it projects information into the real world around you. So it's not virtual reality. It's not its own created space. It's using your actual world and then putting stuff in it. Like a dinosaur walking around in your world.

You're like, oh my God, there's a ghost on the table. But it just uses your table, scans it, and puts the ghost in it. So that's augmented reality. So Dan Scarfe was sad to see his 97-year-old grandfather sitting quietly in a room on Christmas Day, surrounded by his family, but unable to join in with the conversation because of his hearing loss. Seems like an ordinary pair of glasses, they're actually using amazon alexa software to turn incoming audio into closed captioning before the software developed by scarf and his

company uh real projects those ccs were augmented reality into the real world through those glasses so it's if you can't hear anything you could have a hearing aid which obviously would be great but it might not work in all situations imagine going to a movie and you have these glasses on and it just projects the the subtitles in real in real time and you gotta read as you're watching the movie i know but if you can't fucking hear it but you want to watch the movie this is a great way to do it or imagine like yeah being a part of a conversation but but my my first my first thought about this well first my first thought was this is amazing and this is great. I can't wait for this technology to make it to people that need it.

My second one was if it gets the words wrong and it's the wrong word at the wrong time, that's going to piss off your deaf grandpa. Yeah. I don't know what it is. It's mistakes. The word like stilts for sluts. Where you're like, what? Why do you call me? Why did you say you like my sluts?

But whatever that word is uh maybe that's maybe that's more entertaining depending on the person's sense of humor maybe it's a better product anyway i'm assuming grandpa though is probably not wanting to read sluts and stuff like that he's i know you know i will when i'm a grandpa well yeah but i don't think i could be wrong yeah i probably am but you know like I feel like we're going to be cooler grandparents than our grandparents because we... I was just talking to someone about that today. Our parents did not look at their parents and say, I want to be just as annoying as you when I get older. Parents just turn into that and no one knows how it happens.

So we look at our parents and you're like oh i mean not not all the time but you're like oh my god like it just gets on your nerves a little bit um and you're like i'm never gonna do that to my grandkids or to my kids i'm not gonna treat them like this but it keeps happening it's a vicious cycle so it's not like everybody just magically you know uh avoids it and everyone gets better. I think where I'm going with this is I think our generation, I'm 39, you're 37. We're that first generation that grew up with the internet. We had Nintendo. We had the perspective of none of that and all of it.

So us as a 97-year-old grandpa, I'm probably going to be still playing video games. And so I'll be, in some fashion like I get what the kids are doing. Whereas like our parents or our grandparents have been like, your kids and your tablets. You know, like we're going to get it because we grew up with it. I hope so. But it's going to be so advanced. Yeah. You're going to be like, I don't want to learn how to use the metaverse.

I'm not going to the grocery store. I don't want my car to fly. I just want to drive down to the corner. Four wheels, like good old days. I don't need to be 80 feet in the air.

I got no business being 80 feet in the air. I have a fascination with flying. I want to be able to fly like a goose flying over. Hong Kong. Yep.

I've said this before, just like a goose fly over a lake, you know? I want that feeling of stuff flying by me. I just want that feeling so bad flying by me and that feel i just want that feeling so bad you can get you that with a jet pack that's the new goal so first for a jet

pack to become goal number goal number one make enough on patreon to support the show and hire a producer right goal number two get you a jet pack what do you think yeah i don't know what that else we'll just figure it out um and then goal three is to hire a new co-host because you're dead yeah so that is our that's going to be our tears as we work our way what a way to go though going back you just do that be so funny well not funny but we work so hard we grind for fucking years to get you a jetpack so you can smash into a building yeah and then i have to or i fly off a cliff like Coyote. Yeah. And I just fly out and I run out of gas and just sit there for a second,

feel the ground. Meep, meep. Bang. And then it just goes... Okay. I'm really excited for this next part. No, that's cool. Okay.

Oh, there's more? No, yeah. We'll move on to the next segment. You ready? Oh, I was just going to say that earlier, like the perspective of me complaining about having to read while they're, it's like, cause I can hear, I'm like, I don't want to read, but someone who can't hear, obviously like that's, it was just. I'd be on a mess.

Yeah. Yeah. It's just a funny perspective. Like, oh my God. I don't want to watch this in Spanish. Take your glasses off. It's disrespectful. Well, you should just watch it without putting glasses on.

Right. Okay, let's take a look at this next thing. It's very funny. All right. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together Together. As a couple.

Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Alright, this is funny. Very excited to show it to you. Even if you already have seen this, because it has been a little bit since it's made its rounds on the internet. I'm guessing maybe it's making its way back around, as it should, because it's

fucking funny. This was sent in by our musically inclined daughter maya um did she make this no i well that'd be weird i don't she didn't say she made it i'm guessing no she's staying humble yeah i've seen this all over the place it is so funny you're going to know the song by nickelback and i hope you enjoyed as much as we do here we go it's a classic I like your feet around your pants Whoop, that's different I like your pants around your pants

I like your feet around your feet Of course Pants, pants, pants Feet, feet, feet I love pants And I love feet Feet, pants, pants, feet I love pants.

And I love feet. Feet, pants, pants feet. Pants feet. Pants feet. That's it. That's pretty good. If you just put in pants feet, there's no way you're gonna find any other song

I like your feet whoever made that around your pants I love that when you see stuff like that like they're making it and they're like this is

I know you just know I know and if you watch the video that goes along with it right before that final chorus there's this little like and the video fades

way in on that sound wave because you know it's killing them it's just them. He's like, pants. Okay. Pants feet. Let's hear from some of our kids. You ready?

All right. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. All right.

So we're going to hear from two. God damn it two of our kids this week and our first one is from our foodie son Josh who writes

hey guys I just started listening to the new show and I've been loving every minute of it after hearing

Brian's poop his pants story I had to write in and share my own fecal oh yeah love your poop story

I was 18 or 19 and I just started dating this girl that's the best here we go it was my second or third night sleeping at her apartment i woke up in the middle of the night with what felt like a huge fart ready to bust out of my poop hole i clenched my jaw and let it rip hoping it wouldn't wake her up turns out it was pure liquid spouting from my ass like a hose straight into her bed. Just wait, it gets better.

I shot out of bed, climbing over her because I was sleeping by the wall, ran to the bathroom and started vomiting and shitting at the same time. Jesus Christ. Food poisoning. After my first round of the double human fountain, I've been there, it sucks. Yep. I grabbed a towel from the rack in the bathroom and went back to the bedroom with my still sleeping date.

I threw the towel over the diarrhea and woke her up enough to tell her I was having food poisoning and I needed to go home. I left her house with liquid shit on her bed and vomit in her trash can. I felt like a terrible person for leaving her like this and did apologize the next day. I would fucking hope so. Please bless her fucking heart. She stayed with me for two years. Wow. And never mentioned the incident ever again.

Thanks for reading. Hope you got a nice laugh out of this. Looking forward to the laughs to come. Stupid fucking idiot, Josh. So are they still together? I don't think so. I think he probably would have noted, and we're still together today. But he just said, they stayed with me for over two years.

So they could be together right now. That's what I'm wondering. I don't know. But maybe that's what he's implying. though that's a keeper i know if you just shit all over her bed she's like no biggie i thought he was gonna say that he projectile shat on her you know that you know that's happened that's that's fun it's fun to deal with what i want to know is like they were just like sorry if you're that i mean he was up he must have been very i know she's sleeping but he clenched clenching her jaw is that like you're that i mean he was up he must have been very i know she's sleeping but he

clenched clenching your jaw is that like you're trying to push harder i think i think so or i don't know like you think you would try to squeak it out but he just went for it he was like i'm gonna wake her up with this one that's a weird play on a date but you do you josh karma in liquid form um okay you read your email to me. Read it to me right now. Read it to me right now. Right now! Do it!

Our second email sent in by our kiddo, Mariah. Hey. Shit, Mariah. Hello, fathers. Hi. Hello there, fathers. I was listening to the dick about Roomba, and it made me think of a story my mom told me yesterday. Okay.

My mom lives in a rough area and works graveyard shifts. One night before work, she was outside her home and noticed a gaggle of crackheads. That must be our Patreon. Must be. Scoping out places on the block. She lives alone and to deter the robbers, she balled up some

pillows and blankets on her couch. Even went as far as putting one of her hoodies on the pillow to make it look like someone was on her couch. That way if someone broke in, they'd think someone was sleeping on the couch and leave. That's not a bad idea. No, yeah. Home alone-ish. Yeah.

If she would have been like pulling. Right. Sweet little dude. Right. Get out of your nose, you little pervert. Well, my mom got home from work the next morning. She's super tired and walks in through the front door and forgets she made the fake person on her couch my mom is one person that will fuck anybody up with no fear so she stops in her tracks and starts yelling at the

person she thinks is sleeping on her couch you guys imagine she's like get the fuck out what are you doing in my house wake up and it's not waking up. When the person, quote, person, doesn't reply, she grabs the back of what she thought was their head and suddenly remembers. Wait. Yeah, it suddenly remembers. Oh, suddenly, I thought it was. Suddenly remembers that, yeah, that she put that on the couch. Anyway, I thought you'd both find the story about a five-foot woman yelling at a bald blanket's funny. Love the podcast, your kiddo, Mariah.

That is funny. Oh, man. It reminds me of, and I think we've already talked about it on the show, maybe we talked about it in our own lives, off the microphones,

but in Ace Ventura, when the guy, I said quit barking or get away from the door! And he grabs the squeak. I said get! I said get! And he squeezes the fake dog.

It's the same kind of situation. Can you imagine if it got squeaked? Yeah. His balls are in the air. Squeaky toys? Yeah. Squeak, squeak. You grab the head, it's like squeak of situation can you mad at the stuff squeaked yeah his balls squeaky toys yeah squeak squeak you grab the head it's like squeak it probably scare you oh my god that is funny though because you like you think you're doing so i've i've had moments where so

my wife's got a mannequin in the bedroom that she got it once she worked in nordstrom and so she'll put clothes on there and stuff like that you know just to whatever to hang out i don't know why it's still there you know be a good place that man again the dumpster yeah oh believe me i made videos and people like what why well not with it it's just in the background in the room and they're like why is there a naked mannequin but it's just like i like the weirdness but i'm just being a dick but sometimes at night you know you walk in you'll see this outline of a person and you kind of have a little freak out moment like oh gee oh yeah that's right it's just a mannequin with tits oh just my wife's mannequin yeah this is one of those things uh all right well that's our show mannequin has

the word man in it too and it was a woman it's just a man it's a man's world this is gosh so glad i have a penis man if women had stronger arms, they could do more. You could take it all back. Yeah. That all comes down to strong-ass arms. Just do some pull-ups and bicep curls. Yeah. Take your world back, baby.

All right. Well, that's it. Episode 10, In the Back. Yeah, baby. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook. You want to do the ending? You want to work on your ending? I don't have to do it.

Okay. That's actually a good idea. I'm not judging you. Go ahead. What did you say? I wasn't listening. I got halfway through. Be sure to follow us on Instagram and Facebook.

Oh, yeah. At Can You Don't Podcast. Subscribe to our YouTube channel at Can You Don't Podcast. Right. If you have something you want to see on the show, email that to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. And what would be some examples of that that they could send in to Hey Guys? I don't know. Some funny stories that they've had.

Some petty beef, maybe. Some just fun stories that they find on the internet that would be funny for Dick. Cheese fetish? Yeah, any sort of sexual fetish. And we've got some new segments. Some new things that we're working on. So we'll talk about those whenever we're ready. We were just talking about that.

We're pretty excited. We're going to try out some new stuff. Hopefully it doesn't suck. That'd be weird. That'd be a total bummer. We're like, this is going to be the best thing that ever tanks the show. Yep. And they're like, that sucked.

Never do it again. All right. And we'd go, okay. And then we would do it again. Because we'd say, fuck you. We'd do what we want. Fuck you. Screw you guys.

Yeah. All right. And make sure to rate and review us on wherever you listen to the podcast. Because that really does help out the show. Absolutely. See? And join the Patreon that really does help out the show. Absolutely. See? And join the Patreon. You have to join the Patreon.

That's the number one way you can support us, right? I'm doing it. Look at it. It's like you're saying it. That's the number one way you can support us right now. Yeah. And that's great. Where can they find the link?

I don't know. You almost had it. Somewhere in the bio? Episode description. Okay, yeah. That's it. Almost got it. Yeah. You did a good job. Thanks. I got a joke for you this week okay okay good god wrap it up already huh very simple joke but i found it

entertaining okay brian did you know 6 30 is my favorite time of day? Hands down. Because both hands are on the 6. Is that a joke? Does a joke imply that you're just kind of a... Well, I guess it's kind of a joke. Yeah, it's a dad joke. It's a punny. Play on words. Favorite time of day.

It's so funny. Hands down. I get it. That's it. Pretty funny. Okay, well, we're going to play this one more time on the way out. Hope you guys enjoy it, and we'll see you next week. Bye.

For episode 11. Hello. I like your pants around your feet. Oops. I like your feet around your pants. I like your pants around your pants I like your feet around your feet I like your pants

This one Pants Feet, feet I love pants. And I love feet. Feet, pants. Pants, feet. I love pants.

And I love feet. Feet, pants! Pants! Pants feet! It just doesn't even round it. It's Pants Feet! Bye.