Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Leaf Rewards. Pants Button. S'more. Old Spruce.

Episode Date: January 21, 2026

*Jason (495651) in prison, we read your letter!*Why does every piece of tech these days feel like they NEED to have some sort of reward system?! Let's talk about that, looking forward to going on vacation so much that you ignore the fact your wife just died, trying to bite your way through a tree trunk, stuffing marbles up your dick hole, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/-iKFBZ0_lgUSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Leaf Rewards Pants button Smoor Old Spruce I've mentioned it before but I'm to say it again I know it's going to be a good show because I only had to push the clock start button

one time which is fucking sweet It feels good When you push it and it works You know You're not going fucking things sucks It's not five seconds off And the whole time I'm doing five second math

You know I'm a little disappointed though, Joe? And me? Not in you. Line up. Just in the just in the episode number. Because last week it was 187, we did the whole Sublime thing. A motherfucker fucking, all that kind of shit. 1-87. And people were digging it. And then it's like

we're back to 188. And it's like, there's nothing cool about 187B. Yeah. B-C-D-E all the way up. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Sorry, it's not fun. I think it's hard to, we're having a good time always after that theme song.

That theme song picks me up every time. It does. It gets you going. I'm in here drumming. I can't help with it. And then I play this song and what does that do? It takes it all down. All down.

Send in your content suggestions. A reminder, we are recording a shit ton of episodes here in the next couple weeks. So Brian can go to his timeshare. Petty beef, confessions, stuff you find on the internet to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. Of course, the honkathon is on. It's just kind of hanging out is what it's doing. Can we get this thing rocking and rolling again, guys?

How about when I get back from Mexico, we should be at 500? That's a hell of a goal. So you can afford another timeshare? Just three, three easy payments of $15 down? You know, they locked into another beautiful time share? You make jokes, but I'll send you a picture from my sweet. I want a video. I mean, AI is incredible these days.

I'll shoot you a video. I'll walk through the whole thing. Yeah, yeah. I'll be naked too. Post it right. We'll post it in Patreon. I'm sure people would like to see it. Okay.

Yeah. But 450, when we reach that number, Zach will get his own camera, 475, hot air balloon ride. I mean, at this point, Brian, pressure's on. It was a joke at first, but I think people, I mean, the last two that signed up did reference getting on board with the hot air balloon. Whenever you say, like, did you hear that breath? Yeah. It was like, that was real anxiety. And then, like, I could feel it rising up my chest.

Yeah, it gets like a hot air balloon. And at 500, get the extra Patreon bonus episode. episode every single month. You found a fun little email and tossed it in here. You want to give that baby a read? Yeah, this is from Nicole. She sent it in. It has to do with shoving stuff in your dick.

Oh, wow. Really quick one in it. And on brand. Right. Love it. It makes me fucking cringe thinking about it. So she says, hey, just real quick, you know how you meet random people and they tell you stories you never asked for?

Yeah. Yeah, well, this nurse I met at the gym I go to randomly told me that they had a guy come into the ER because he had shoved 27 marbles. in his dick. She shared with me, so I shared with you. Have a great day. Two. He just sit there.

Three. Dude. How many, how many? See, even the first one makes me just cringe. Well, after the first one, they probably can start popping in. Yeah, as long as you get the first one and it probably doesn't matter. First one's a struggle. And after that, it's like, then the last one's tough.

Like, how do you get it out? Ringing it out? You got to ring it out? Oh. Just fucking. Listen. you know, I, uh, I love Marvel as much as the next guy. Right. And I love, you sex, uh, fantasies as much as the next guy. All this stuff is much as the next guy. Mm-hmm. But I just don't understand how you get there. Yeah. And I don't think I ever will. And I know, I'm, maybe I'm being unreasonable, but.

What a prude. Whatever people said in stories like this, I often reply or want to reply. Just like, bored humans are, are wild, man. We're too bored. We're too comfortable. worst yeah you're just sitting around you're just like you're like yeah can you have already have come in your chest hair you're like what else what else it's all looped up you're not slide in real nah look just looking over and see like that old icebreaker game remember didn't that have marbles had the ice then no yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you're like well i've already put the i've already put them in my butt a little that was easy maybe like the velvet bag of do i yeah the same velvet a bag that those gold chocolate coins come in. Oh, yeah.

Whoever's making those things made a fortune. You're looking for like a small, reasonable kind of like plastic velvet bag. Yeah. I got a good news for you. Open up the back of your semi-truck. Check it out. You put anything in these babies. What's the, what's the drink, Crown Royal?

Doesn't it come in a little velvet bag? Yeah. So you hang on to that and stick your marbles in that. Yeah, really hanging on to this baby. Uh, last thought, we can move on. Okay. You know who wasn't sticking things in their dick? Probably.

Jesus. Probably. Because his hands were a little occupied? Right. He was too busy. Ah, yeah. Build my chair and hang on across. Cavemen.

Oh. You know, because he had shit to worry about. That's the point I'm trying to make. See, we're going to have to disagree there. They were probably curious. On the down months? I'll, uh, I'll take, I'll, I'll retract that statement. They probably did because they were.

They're just curious. They're trying to figure out their bodies. They're figuring all things out. Frontiersmen. Yeah. Me put stick in dick hole. Frontiersmen. People like that probably weren't doing that.

There's, you know, there's civil war going on. You can't just be sticking marbles in your, in your dick. Just a caveman sitting alone in the winter. Like, wearing a bear, bear fur, whatever. Bear, bear, god damn it, what's it called pelt? Bear pelt? He just, he's just wearing, he's like, uga, ooga, won't fuck bunga. He's like, ooha, he didn't have fire.

Yeah, and he's just fucking freezing in a cave by himself. He's like, Ooga's fucking Bunga. Sticking rocks in his dick. He goes, I'll fuck my own pee-hole. Just fucking fucking shivering. My own booger. Yeah, shivering, sticking coals in his dickhole. And he looks over and because his wife is knocked out because he clubbed her.

Yep. Well, I have morals. I'm going to have sex with passed out Oogabuga. That's illegal, yeah. That's illegal. So I'm going to shove these in my pee-hole. I'm guaranteed And then I'm going to draw a picture about it

Yeah Scrape it in the side of the wall He puts an X through it like don't do that Bad don't do Some of the earliest art is caveman telling people Not to fix shit in it did Different things to put in their peahole These berries, good

These berries die Alright All right let's move off Let's get this thing going All right Fucking Zach Shut up Start the show already

All right going backwards Sorry I knew there's something I was forgetting We got to do mail call Mail call Because we did get some mail When I got this one in the mail I read the stamp It's on the back

And it says this letter has been mailed From the Wisconsin prison system And I got very excited Did it say sent like an iPhone Said from Yeah kind of Wisconsin? Yeah but it's sent in by Jason

It is a wonderful Three Pager front and back Handwritten letter And it's very nice He's not in there for like molesting kids or killing somebody. No, that's good. Yeah. How long was he in there for? He's got, he said he's got a couple more years.

But I guess in short, he was off his meds and life was kicking his ass and he was found on the side of the road in his car with a bottle of booze and apparently I'm guessing caused some damage with his car, but didn't kill anybody. He didn't kill anybody. That's good.

So he made that mistake, but he listens to the show or he gets updates from his friend that's outside of the, out of the prison system, but loves the show. Imagine that. He goes to visit his buddy and they pick up the phone with the glass. What they talk about on the show? Yeah.

It gets a rundown of it. He asked us to say that we read the letter in the episode description. So I will try my best not to forget when I get that set up. Hell yeah. And then of course the Sofa King sending in some mail. By the way, if you want to send something in, we love it. We love knowing you guys are all out there because it's just us three really talking to ourselves in a pad of room in here. So knowing it actually does reach people is nice.

So that PO box is in the episode description. It says, hello, Joe, Brian, and Funklzak. Here's a little something I did for you guys. I hope you enjoy it. P.S., you could ignore the book that I wrote because you probably wouldn't like it. It's about a fat, angry stoner having a terrible day that gets much worse when aliens crash into the moon causing it to explode. And their nanotech metal to infect the humans and turns them into zombies like creatures

as Jimmy. the main character gets ultimate power and goes on a killing spree to save his best friend from evil who was kidnapped by aliens but of some reason that interests you for whatever reason I give you some copies

and if by some further miracle you actually enjoy the book you can tell people they can read it for free on Kindle Prime or Kindle Unlimited I forgot which one because I'm stupid and then he wrote something more but the paper was ripped up he was like now I'm not saying

I'm not going to rewrite this whole thing, but I'll just rip this part off. He must have said something. But yeah, thank you, Sofa King. That's great. That's awesome. He also sent us this tongue bomb, like hot candy jelly bean game. There's three packets, and you all three pop them in your mouth at the same time, and only one of them has the fire jelly bean in it. I'm going to make a suggestion.

Yeah. Maybe the next pond. We do that. We do that. Yeah. And see how that goes. Right when you get back from Mexico. Yeah, I'll be a season event

So what he was referencing is he made like a fan fiction book For us I haven't read the whole thing but I read the first quarter Loving it Jimmy, thank you so much And then here's his book The Sofa King by Jacob Gardner Check this baby out That's look at this, yeah

Thick daddy That's a terrible day and a lot of alien moon explosions right there So he said the moon exploded right? Aliens crashed into the moon Right Yes and then it exploded though Yeah. Because that would mess up our ecosystem. That would fuck up the ocean, the tides, and things would change for us, not just for, you know.

Yeah, that lakefront. The repercussions that would be monumental. Have you thought about that? Yeah. So of King. Yeah. Okay. That's the sequel.

So you can check that out. Thank you guys so much for sending that stuff in. And we did get a bunch of Christmas cards. So again, thank you so much for sending those in. Have been doing a terrible job on the mail call. lately but apologize okay let's get into it do it all right so uh this one came in from shane whoa shocker we're right um and he he had a this or that and i so i decided to tweak a little bit and add my own okay it's so it's not a this or that it's a this for this type of thing gotcha

all right all right so here's his part you have to chop down a tree let's go a 50 year old spree Bruce using only what you will find in any vehicle you own at this moment. Okay. You can't use the vehicle itself, but you can take parts off the vehicle and try to use that. Here's the dick twist. Joey Hogbone is drunk and gropes you every time you bend over and he won't stop until after you successfully cut down the tree. Cherry on top, break stuff by limb biscuit is playing on repeat.

That is good. Okay. So that's the scenario. And we can tweak this next part if we don't feel. feel like the timeline fits up right or the amount. Okay. So then I just said, okay, instead of doing an ore, we're going to put a repercussion. So you have a week to do that to cut it down.

Okay. Or your family dies. But if you do it, you get 50 million bucks. 50 million bucks. So some people in their car might, they might have a saw. Yeah, you have a saw. You just happen to be. Well, yeah, your construction worker?

Yeah, you could be like, yeah, I got a fucking Milwaukee skill saw. I have four pairs of sunglasses. So that's going to help hide the tears. Yeah, right? Bones fucking your ass. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.

So that, so I visualize, I mean, someone scrambling to find anything that they can use. Mm-hmm. And knowing I have to do this in a certain amount of time or my family is going to be brutally murdered. All the while, fucking hogbone just back there. 50 million bucks, I'd bite through the tree in a week. You think you could? I mean, a screws?

I'd try. Does I think the internet knows if you can eat through a tree? Grock might. I mean, beavers can. Why can't I? Yeah. You know what I mean? If you break your teeth off, that'd be the saddest moment.

Yeah, I would. Oh, yeah. You're sitting there, like, and you snap your two front teeth embedded in a 50-year-old spruce. You're crying, and hogbone is rubbing your tank. Huh? And you're on your hands and knees crying, blood pouring out of your mouth, and hogbone is running two fingers on your taint from behind.

And then, bern it! Have you tried the onion reeds? Just one of those foods. And on repeat. Like, you're sitting there thinking, oh my God, I only have three days left. I'm barely in a couple inches into this tree. And thinking about your kids, like everyone dying.

Uh-huh. And just like, It's just one of them days. And you hear like belt buckle noises and you look up at hog bones like helicoptering his penis in front of your face. Break your fucking face tonight. Give me something to break. He's just jumping up and down. His dick's bouncing off his fucking happy trail.

His oversized. Do people still have those? Happy trails? Yeah, probably on accident. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's just kind of where they, where hair grows. Yeah.

Yeah. Some people just shade those. that off, though, now. I have time for that. I used to care. Back to you. Zach? I was saying too much work.

Your whole body's a happy trail. Yeah, I mean, I can't shave a Sasquatch down and make that look good. I forgot about how hair you are. Fur! All right. Cool. Thanks, Dad. Yeah.

Oh, what was I doing? Can you bite down a tree? Yeah. Can you bite down a tree? Human. I don't even care that it's a spruce. Like, what ever tree? It's just like an old tree.

Thick, Daddy. AI. No. A human cannot bite down and chew through a living tree trunk or large branch. Human teeth and jaw strength around 150 to 250 PSI are insufficient for wood. Fucking tell that to. Yeah. Tell that to Jesse.

You know what I fucking. Yeah! Which is very hard. And trying would likely break teeth and dislocate the jaw. Risking severe injury, though people can chew on sides. treated craftwood or pencil wood for short periods. Let's remember, I mean, you don't have to just chew through it. You could take, see, my car has less working parts.

You know what I mean? You just hook a battery up to a tree and you're like, see what happens? Fuck. It's not working. Oh, man. I used to carry, like, in my truck, I mean, I don't know where it happened to it, But I used to just keep like a machete in the back, like wedged in the back, for whatever reason, case I needed to, if I was out in a wilderness and I just need to cut something down or a guy was trying to take my kids, I could cut them down.

Yeah. Because obviously thinking about the risk, a 50 million is fucking nuts. But I think that fits, I think that does fit the task at hand and the risk of your family dying. I think a week's a little short. Yeah. Also, if you don't happen to have the required tools to take the engine apart, you can't come up with some sort of belt system, like to grind through the tree trunk, which was what I was thinking.

What if you had a lighter and you could light it on fire? Does that count? It's got to fall down. Burn it down and then chew through it? Well, you could burn it in the area and to where it turns kind of charcoaly, and then you start chipping away at it. And just punch it or headbut it. Or yeah, go.

for the, go for the base. Can you chew through roots before you could chew through the, the trunk? Ask rock. You can dig up all the dirt and chew through all the fucking roots? Get some fiber out of it. Why you're just getting molested? Beat it. Let's, let's change it from a week because I had, I didn't, I just threw a week in there because,

but I figured we could change it. Let's say you get a month. Get a month. That might even be worse because it's more time to just be tormented by hogbone and fucking limp biscuit. And he's drunk too. so he's not like he's not thinking straight and he's breaking down

and having like a heart to heart with you like you like you're in the back like trying to rip out the seat and he's like I just don't know what I did wrong you're like quiet Hogbone I never wanted to be Hogbone I never wanted I've just become this guy that I don't I've never was like

am I hogbone or am I just playing Hogbone? Shut the fuck up I just like I hate the character that I've become I hate the character of God. Just like, every day it's like, come for the hog, stay for the bone. And I just don't know if that's me anymore, man. Shut!

Ah! Yeah! Yeah! But it's like in the distance. Like, I hear it coming out of an 85 Subaru station wagon. Yeah. Like, that's how I hear it. Just like, very tingy.

Just fucking... Right now I'm dangerous. Felt like shit. Betrilled like shit. A peck a chainsaw. I wish I had a chainsaw. Skin your ass raw. He's always talking about a chainsaw.

Dude, that makes it even worse. Just hearing... I bet you wish you had a chainsaw. I really do. Motherfucking chainsaw! I really do. My family's gonna die. Hogbo's fucking rubbing your dick.

Oh. God, in and out of drunken sadness. He's like, you know what? I'm turning it around. And he's like, like, party? He's getting a second wind. Brian, you're trying to get a spring out of the seat. He's like, come on, Brian!

You got a month! It's only day three, dude. You got 28 more days. Come on, come party with me. Imagine being like, being Hogbone having to be drunk for 30 days, though, too. That's easy. I feel like that would get... I feel like you haven't been sad enough.

That would get old for a while. Yeah. Yeah, I never, I mean, I've never... He just wants to go run his restaurant, but some magic powers making him watch you. You cut out of a tree. Bar and Grill is struggling right now. He's not even gay. He has to grope you. He's like, I don't want to be here. He's just grabbing your nuts. Do you realize how razor fin the margins are and bar and grills? And I'm here tinkling your

taint? His phone's ringing off the hook and he's just fucking kissing your neck. He's like, God damn it's James. Fuck, he's like, he's kissing. He's biting your ear and reading text from Hogbone's management staff. Running that addition is. Where the fuck are you, Hogbone? We need an HR. You've been gone too long. He's just like licking your collarbone and crying over management issues at Hogbones Bar and Grill. I don't even want to be here.

Me either. Nobody wants to be here. Even Fred doesn't want to be here. Spruz is like, me either. Oh shit. I'm strong. I don't even know with a month. If you couldn't do it in a couple days, what's a month going to do?

You know what I mean? There's also that. If you don't have the tools required, how would people chop down a fucking tree? Because it says you have to use what's in your vehicle. So you can't go around and like rig up an axe of some sort and chisel a stone unless you happen to have a stick and a rock in your car. Or can you also use the environment around you plus what's in your car? I think that's fair. That's reasonable.

Okay. Because you got like, you know, you can use the jack. you'd probably hit a tree put for a month it's not gonna do anything you're just pounding at it you're not cutting you're just pounding at it denting it

it'd be like injuring yourself yeah it'd be like digging through a wall with a spoon in prison like it's been done before right I mean you just kind of he's kind of

get into it but like it's that same concept and I guess don't I don't know if I care about my family that much does it matter if okay so let's say this is just scenario

that's it's been put upon you cast upon you you have to do it yeah or if you are given the option like as someone said i'll give you this option and you have a month to do this kind of stuff do you think you would take that no yeah that's what i'm saying like for 50 million bucks i'd like they'll for sure die i'm not doing what would it take what would be what would be a reasonable tool or something that you could have along with other than like a saw it would have to be a saw or an axe or a hatchet i think that would be about all you could really do to cut down a fucking let's say you have a A 50-year-old spruce?

Let's say you have a hatchet in a day to do it. Oof. Back to the internet. Does that help you at all? 50-year-old spruce hatchet cut down timeline. While hog bones. You're licking your taint. Yeah.

A 50-year-old spruce is relatively small, and cutting it down with a hatchet would likely take between one and three hours of focused effort, depending on the tree's diameter and the user's skill and fitness level. a hatchet is a small one-handed axe I got it yeah I didn't ask you what a fucking hatchet was AI just being helpful

yeah I mean something like just being helpful why you yelling at me just it rewrites itself it's like sorry I didn't no you're feeling guilty I thought I would just provide some additional information yeah I don't know

if you didn't have the right tool it would it would fucking be impossible It doesn't say tip over or push down. It says chopped down. So you're chopping through it. But could you imagine going like if this was sprung upon you and you're like, or even if you accepted the challenge how insane you would go knowing when you're running out of time, like you would be doing what you would be physically like killing yourself.

Yeah. Because you're like, if I don't get through this, my family dies. And the lengths that you would go to start like. And you keep them alive and get 50 million. Then you get home and your wife just wonders where the fuck you. You bet. She has no idea. She's remarried.

She's pissed. Yeah. She's just fucking like silent treatment. You have a bag of $50 million. Is this going to get you talking again? What do you think about this? Huh? I just feel like you could have done this better.

You could have told me here. You could at least let me know. Yeah. I have $50 million. We're set up. Yeah, but it's just the way you set it. It's the tone, really. It's the tone.

So in this situation, if I don't have the, right tool. I do not have an axe or anything sharp and I can't make a stone into something sharp around me. Has to be what's in my vehicle. I'm literally going to have a USB charger, a jack, and some extra water. I'll be hydrated as I watch my family die. And that spring from your seat. I like that picture. Yeah. See, even that's not in your car. Good luck. Yeah, could you cut. I mean, I would probably take that and just a week or a month and just go for it. Yeah. If that broke, that'd be the saddest shit ever, dude. You just stare at it.

Like, what the fuck do I do now? I know, you just look at it and you just look up and hog bones like, licking his lips at you on your knees. I think that that's almost like, if he was into it, it would still be annoying. But I think the idea that he's actually being tortured too, like, you do that. You look up and he's just kind of like, he's like, oh. And he's like walks over. He just comes over and goes, I start.

licking your nipples. And he's like rolling his eyes. And he's crying. Yeah. He's like, he's rolling his eyes. Like, what are we doing?

Does that make it worse? What are we doing? Because it's like, he's also sad and depressed. He's look at us. Oh, this is ridiculous. How did we end up here, huh?

Licking your nipple while twisting the other one. He goes, this is crazy. The things that small business owners have to do to stay in the business. To stay afloat. Stay afloat. I'm not, I'm not taking it.

Too big of a risk. It's not worth of a family dime. All right. Moving off to what are you thinking about. Zach Poole! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about?

You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? This one could be short and sweet, but it's just, it is something that I'm thinking about. I think probably two or three days ago now. I woke up in the middle of the night. And, um...

You know that game. Yep. Got up. I sat up a little bit. I was just drinking some water. Maybe even went to the bathroom. And then I was like, God damn, I was getting cold in here. So I walked outside the room and the thermostat's like right there and, you know, tired eyes and it's dark.

And I'm looking at it. And I have a nest thermostat. When you go to the bathroom real quick, do you try to keep your eyes? Yeah, try to keep the sleepies. Close so you can just go back and go to sleep. Yeah, I try. But then once my brain catches, I'm doing that. It catches itself.

Yeah, what am I doing? I got to see. I also have to see where I'm going. This is ridiculous. this. Yeah, your brain trying to fool itself. Yeah, it's a fun game. But it's a, you know, Ness Thermostat. We've all seen them. Got the fun little screen on the front. And I, I didn't know this existed, and I don't really think that it showed. But I got there, and I'm looking at it, and all I'm trying to do is turn it up, and I turn the knob and nothing, like, nothing's happening.

Normally, it just has the two, you know, it's either cold or hot, and you turn it the way you wanted to go. And I went to turn it in an animation played and it was a leaf. And it was like, and like it waved around. And it was like, you earned 12 leaves. And I was like, what? What the fuck is this? I earned 12 leaves. Okay. What do I do with them? Thanks. Nest. And then, you know, it hit me after I woke up is that it's rewarding me because the symbol, like the eco setting is a leaf. So at first, I was laughing because I was like, that's so funny if like they had a prize reward system, like you could turn in tickets like you're at an arcade where it's like, you go to nest.com, you have 200 leaves and you get like a stuffed Rick and Morty.

Right? Or even get like a nest thermostat t-shirt. Yeah. I saved like I saved the planet and all I got was his lousy t-shirt. Nest thermostats. Yeah. Or like, can you imagine going out in public with a nest thermostat's hat? And you don't work for him? You have nothing to do with them. And you just like, no, I earn this baby. Fucking freezing my ass off. So do you earn the rewards from keeping it cool?

Oh, I'm going to tell you. Okay. So, exactly. It's both those because I was baffled by it. You're just freezing so you can get points? And now I just had to watch a movie so my brain's awake. So I go to the internet and I'm like, nest leaf rewards, question mark. It turns out like it's this rush hour.

You can opt into it. So I'm guessing whoever owned our house before us. They jumped all over that opportunity. They were like, fuck yeah. And you can sign up for it. And then depending on where you live, whoever your utility supplier is, up here in the inland northwest, it's a Vista. A Vista utilities. A Vista Stadium.

We do whatever the fuck we want. And you'll pay for it. And you'll thank us for it. You'll thank us for it. Thanks, Avista. And you can opt in and then basically they, it'll automatically go down and you can adjust it and they give you a credit back. And I was like, oh, okay. No, so I get that.

And you'll be shocked to know it's pretty much bullshit. Where they will reward you like 20 bucks for freezing your ass off, which you might as well at $20. Just not freeze. Because it's not, you know, that 20 bucks will keep you warm or you can just give it back to them. And they paint it in this kind of like facade of like save the world and we'll reward you for it. And all you're doing is saving them money. And you look at it. I'm like, hey, okay.

Save the visit. A little more. Yeah, exactly. Stop us from having to update our infrastructure by freezing yourself, a vista. And you might think to yourself, well, yeah, like just in the northwest, probably pretty small little utility company. It's worth $3.25 billion. Yeah, that's a lot.

They're all set. Yeah. Like, they're doing it. They're fine. They're the monopoly, too. Stops are on the way up right now as of today. I checked it. So they don't need to turn my heat down to 60 when I'm sleeping.

And that, I mean, I'm fine with usually it being pretty cold. I'm like 65, 62 even at night. I don't care. I'm undercovers. And I prefer to be cold, but it just felt. We're like 66 family. A little extra. at night.

Not 60, right? And that's, whatever, it's fine. I guess I thought it was funny that there's this like reward system set up and you look into it and you're like, oh, yeah, no, all I'm doing is stopping you guys from having to actually invest your money back into your infrastructure and make it better so that there's not little bottlenecks on your energy grid. Yeah, and they're just like, no, we're just going to put the responsibility on you. A vista.

Doesn't it kind of sound like they're preparing all of us to do a subscription type thing? Like you want to go up higher on your 30 step? $5. $5. Yeah. Well, yeah. And I'm sure Avista's not alone in that. It is that way anyway.

Yeah, I've always just lived to all the places that I've had houses and lived has been in the Northwest. So Avista is just kind of who I've always known, right? But they will also just jack up their prices. And you look at it and they're like, sorry. And you're like, how can you just do that? They're like, hey, you know, it's 20, 20 cents more this month. Okay. Well, I like being warm and having power.

So here is an extra $100 this month. And the next month, they just bring it back down. Like, what the fuck? What are we doing? Why do they get to do that? We know the economy's bad and you're cold. Here's more money to pay. Yeah.

We know things are tough right now. That's why we're only raising it 14 cents. It's a halfway gout. We could have done $400 more. And you're lucky. We only did a dollar. You're welcome. Because we know times are tough right now.

And we only have $3.25 billion. We're hurting to. We all hurt together. We all hurt together. We all hurt together. I don't. But everyone who works here does. Avista utilities.

You know, I think the top tier on the reward system is a blanket. And it's just a nest. A nest heating blanket? It's a nest blanket. It's solar powered heating blankets so you don't clog up their grids. You got to hang the blanket outside to charge and then bring it in while it's cold and then it heats up. A Vista utility branded insulators for your windows. Right.

Fucking sweet. But the idea of like of saving money on your Vista bill by just using a blanket and then, but winning that because you're saving money. So it's like you, you saved money so you could get a bunch of rewards. So you can buy a blanket so you could sit in the cold and not freeze with the blanket. that you got from them. Instead of just using your heat. So I guess turning the heat on and using it how it's supposed to be. Being comfortable.

Being comfortable in your home. Yeah. You're welcome. A vista. A vista. We're here for you, kind of. Here, have a leaf. I'm going to leaf those.

Oh, man. Rewards. Not everything needs a reward system. That'd be like a funeral home having a punch garden, you know? Oof. Like every fifth burial is free at Joey Hogbone's cremation center? Dude, the hogbone is really branching out. Yeah.

Yeah. A little punch card for your funeral home. This is the fifth one this week. I mean, my family over the last, let's say, like, decade, 15 years, we could have got a free burial. I've been hit kind of hard. Where is that fucking punch card? Like, shit. Can you make sure you...

I mean, you guys just look it up in the system, right? Right. It's like, my hands are tired. You got to have the punch card or nothing I could do. Imagine you're in the middle of the funeral. It gets over and then you walk up over to the funeral. guy and he's like, pulls out on those things, and click.

Looks like you got a free one. Free one next time. See you, Brian. Rough quarter. Rough quarter. Like, do we keep Grandma alive or do we let her go now? Because this reward card is going to expire at the end of the year. It's an open casket and you're like pretending to be hugging like your loved one,

but you're actually reaching in their pocket for the punch card that's in his wallet. All right. Free burial. Flip the little circle that fell off. Yeah. All right, let's slide into some dick. All right. Zachy Poo.

Is it dumb? And it's dick. Do you want me to take this first one? You take it, brother. All right. I will read it with my eyes. I'll read it. Speak it with my mouth.

Man, whoa. Too many pop-up. That was the weirdest pop out I've ever seen in my life. It was a pop-up window. There was nothing in it. There's no words. It just had a green checkmark, and then the button said, okay. Oh, I see it.

It just says okay. What the fuck is this? What am I saying okay to? What the fuck? What am I going to say okay to right now? I'm going to do it. I guess clicked it without realizing what I was doing. It's just like, okay?

Okay. I like the checkmark. Okay. You know what I should have done is ran my mouse over it and see if there was some hidden text. Here, go back to the, you can go backwards. You can revisit the page. Maybe it'll pop up again. I just refreshed it and see if that all.

Are we getting it? What the fuck's that? Those are stories. Jesus Christ, Brian? Here we go. I don't think it's going to. I already okayed it. I have to open a new window.

All right. Man tries to board flight at popular vacation destination with dead wife in wheelchair. What? What are you yelling about? Oh, now it's back. It's different. No, there's a different one. Oh, no, thanks.

Okay. Pop up. Something's going on. You guys ready for this one? Yeah. You hear the headline? I was too busy reading that pop-up. Okay.

An elderly man allegedly attempted to board a flight with his deceased wife at Tanneriff, South Airport. As per reports from Spain. Wait, hold on. Who the fuck told you this? Spain. You know. Okay, okay. The country.

The country. The whole thing, the whole country told you? Yep. Spain. Yeah. The elderly woman seated in a wheelchair, raised suspicions among staff due to the lack of responsiveness. Do you know this man? Sir.

This peculiar incident reportedly unfolded during routine security checks when the man, 80, tried to pass through a metal detector, treating his unresponsive wife as just another passenger. Excuse me. Security personnel noticed the woman's condition, discovering she was not breathing, and her body temperature was, or temperature was alarmingly low. Typical babs. That's what he's thinking. She's always had an issue with her blood circulation. Spanish news outlets report that the husband initially stated his wife had passed away several hours earlier within the airport. Just...

He forgot to mention that or what? Just that stage of life and that stage of a relationship. When he's like, you're not fucking this up for me. We have been planning this trip for years. Right. And you dying, I'm not stopping. This is what you wanted. I mean, at that age, what if she said to him, like, if I die in this wheelchair, please still go to Las Vegas.

I don't know where they're going. He just said a popular vacation destination. But just that stage, he's like, fuck this, dude. He goes, what am I going to do? He goes, it already took me three hours to get from the car to here with this dead bitch. And I'm going on this vacation. But like, you know what I mean? That old grumpy relationship shit?

He's like, no. He goes, I'll take you there. I'll bury you when we get there. This is, it took so much work to get to the airport today. Can you, I mean, imagine being with someone for 60, 70 years where you're married. Your kids are grown up, like their grandparents now. Yeah. That's all you have is just that person that you've been, just every day you wake up and they're like.

Your kids, your kids are 60. Mm-hmm. Years old. Yeah. Yeah. All you have is you bickering. Like that's your entire existence. The worst I keep doing this, huh?

Yep. Yep. Okay. I'm not going to go out there and find another thing. It's just me and you to the end. Co-dependencies. We hate each other, but we deal with each other. The man was subsequently,

arrested on site, an investigation into the circumstances of the women's death is underway by local authorities. I don't think that, yeah. I don't think he had to do much of anything. He didn't kill her. Yeah. Yeah. So, there you go.

Well. So, I mean, I hope that my fictitious representation is kind of what happened. But there's also a very strong chance. Like, he, like, he figured it out and was just like, I'm not doing this. What am I going to do right now? If I say something, they're going to come pick her up. I have to pretend that I care. Now I'm involved.

Now I'm number one suspect. Right. And my vacation is pretty much kaput. But was he not thinking about like just getting through security is one thing. But then like once you get on the airplane, what are you going to do with this dead lady? She'd be like, how would they get through security if she was dead? They were trying to get through. Oh, okay.

That's how far. That's as far as you weren't listening. I wasn't. You weren't reading and you weren't listening. Still thinking about that pop up, huh? A little bit. I wonder what I just signed up for. Okay.

Okay Okay We should have screenshot Yeah Well I'll just open up a new window All right cool But yeah I don't know

I can't imagine being at that At that stage in relationship You're like I'm not fucking dealing with this We're going on vacation dead or alive We are going on this vacation And you're gonna like it Just standing there He's like is she okay

It's how she always is Here it is The old bone chain Oh see I told you there It's a taste. Let me see. Your privacy choices have been saved. The microphone's behind you.

It's really hard to see because it's in white text. White on white? If you clear your cookies, your preference will be forgotten. I don't even know what I... What an ominous. Yeah, big time. You have made your choices. Yeah, and you're going to deal with it.

There is no going back. We will never forget. Okay. Okay. You got it. You got it. I think that might be the first time the pop-up ad was funnier than the article. All right.

All right. Let's jump over to the other one. Okay. Yeah, let's hear it. This kind of a funny one. It's just this fucking guy. This fucking guy. This dude just rides through stores on a horse.

what is it like a it's not a one-time thing is just what he does I think it's what he does he's been in a few different situations but here's a video of him just riding I think this one is

where he's riding through the tractor supply maybe and then he writes through Target I'll show you just real quick let's see yeah I'll be I probably got to God damn it

got to click a button it's my emotional support horse and as I do when I travel I always go and try to supply in different cities So we're in New York City We're gonna see what to do She haven't took a crap yet either

So hope she'd take a crap And track supply So he wants to, he's gonna ride his horse Through these stores He wants the horse to take a dump in the store How you doing? So he's going through the door right now And the guy's like, what?

Excuse me, what city we're in? Huh? What city are we in? New York. Sonny County what? New York City? New York City. So there you're a lot.

He goes, what a weird social. He's like, I'm gonna make them say it so that people know I'm not joshing. I like these. I like this. He's just shopping. He's looking at clothes while he's on his horse. Excuse me, how y'all doing? How y'all do you do? I need glasses is all I need. I forgot about that. Track. I'm a, um, I'm a sponsor track supply. All track supplies can have horses. Any animal you can walk in the store. Where are you from? this is a liability. I'm from South Carolina, and I know the tract supply laws.

Not tractor supply. This is New York law. This is actually cannot have him in here. It's a liability. Yeah, him saying that tractor supply has its own law. Right. It said it on a website, the checks supply can do whatever here they want. There's another video of him just like real quick, just ripping through Target.

There's like, not just writing, but like ripping through Target. I'll show you. Here, pull this thing up. He's not getting in the try I guess as long as the I would have a great Yeah, so the security's running towards him Red Team go it didn't have that on the on the bingo card in there Starbucks in there This one he's got his kids when they end this one right head the green one. Yeah, it's not letting us in there They got a duck their heads to go look they just take off like they're gonna get tased look at that

horse is trotting, dude. It's funny because Target's all laid out the same, so I feel like I'm walking through my own target. I mean, that would be my reaction. I'd be pumped to see a horse in a store. So, I would normally, like, hate going to Target.

I got there, and then there's a horse. I'd be pumped. Any situation like that, I don't know. Like, how could you not find it hilarious? Here's the weird thing. is, uh,

I feel like it's, everyone's got a, like a support animal now for something where you'll, you'll go into a restaurant, where you'll go into a store and someone's walking their, um, support dog with them. And sometimes,

you know, it's like, whatever, but some, you're in a restaurant or there's food around. You're like, I don't really want a dog flinging fur everywhere while I'm sitting in a restaurant, trying to eat that kind of stuff.

But if I'm shopping and Target and some dude rolls through in a horse, like, I'm just going to be laughing. Hey, buddy. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, maybe it says emotional support horse. That would be a funny, just, world in general.

If we all were just rolling around on little emotional support ponies. Mm-hmm. Brian? Zach. Well, what's funny is you think about, take the old West, like before cars, where people just rode horses everywhere. Ding. Now we live in an area where we have, we have, like, pavement and, like, big buildings. But the idea of still living those, that old style in the modern world,

hilarious. Big asswop versus big horse. Right. You just, you roll up in your fucking horse. And then take a dump. It just takes a dump. See, that's where I kind of like... Yeah, if it's shitting in the store. That's where it's... If you had to put a diaper on it. Yeah. Do they make diapers big enough for a little horse? I bet they do.

For a little diaper for a fucking horse? Internet. Horse diaper? They got pigeon diapers and dog diapers. They got horse diapers. Oh, yeah. I sure they do, brother. The bun bag. Hot

latest fashion trend Bun bag Check out this bun bag Yikes This guy is pumped Right here That's a mini horse That's a little like shitlin pony

Is that? This is so they can live in the house Oh, they're a good boy Yeah of course they make little shit catchers This is for any more For shit and a dick He's carrying his shit and his dick In the same pouch

Just shitting and his shit rolls down into his dick and he's like this sucks that's what his face I was like what the hell is your shit on my dick dude he's like hey who's gonna come get this shit off my dick this sucks dude I didn't ask for this this is dumb

this is dumb that's a Clydesdale too look at those feet look at that dick god damn all right anyway that's what these call me in college Clydesdale Clydesdell Clydesbrien you call me whatever you want my name's not Dale

Clydes Brian Glad's Brian Yeah, I draw the line at the poop But yeah It's hard to be upset when a horse is around A mad horse is scary Yeah, that's not fun But a nice friendly horse

We used yourself up there at the PBR Okay The arena there You went there? Hell yeah, dude, bro Did you have yourself a drink? No Do you sober at the rodeo?

Yeah, because I want to enjoy it Can't think of anything worse That's funny Literally nothing I'd rather get brain cancer Than be sober to rodeo It wasn't a rodeo It was bull riding

It's PBR So it was just bull riding Oh, just the good part. Did anyone make it eight seconds? Probably maybe five, six full rides. Oh, six seven? Out of 50 rides, man. Man.

It's tough. Eight seconds is a long time, bro. They're fast, man. One of the dude that won it, he got, I think he had three full rides. Did he get to ride the same bowl every time? No, they rotate. I know. He's like, I'll take this one again.

Yeah, I like that one. Hey, dibs! Dibs! Dibs on Bushwacker! You look over in... I want Bushwacker. And the bowl's like... Cross-off.

Laying down and sleeping. Dibs. Bidabes. Bushwackers, a good bowl. I watched... I watched rodeo my whole life, but my dad and I used to watch National Finales

every December. Watch the dude die. Who, congratulations. Got his head stepped on. A couple days later, my dad was like, remember that guy? I think it was like 92. And he's like, remember that got it got really hurt?

Yeah, he died. Anyway, what do you want from Zips? Exactly. Anyway, number two from Arctic Circle. Ding! RX Circle would have been more realistic. We didn't have Zips. Yeah, fill that belly up.

We got a right ditch. Got a ride ditch and drive tractor. Remember that, remember that handsome young lad that got his head stepped on at the rodeo? Yeah. He did. He did. Anyway, here's the keys of the tractor. I'm going to go steal some corn from the neighbor.

Remember that old story? That's sweet corn, yeah, dude. Yeah, you do. They have a whole fucking field of it. What's one cop gonna... You copy would be kidding me. You got a cop would be kidding me, dude. All right, well, you ready to get off to a petty beef?

Oh, it looks like the king. Quite yet. For the golden geese. Matt Johnston, the sofa king. Matthew Leder. Maggie Sto. Jason Glaser. George Tassado.

Neil Daphim. Jordan Holiday. Dicker Spatz. Spats. You got a spot open. Yeah, we got a spot open. And it's going to be a little weird here because we didn't have a conversation with George.

And George canceled his renewal, but he's paid through April. So it pulled him out. The Golden Goose tier is open. At the time we're recording this, we have two spots available. Hopefully get those filled up here shortly. I mean, you can check that out at patreon.com. So can you don't plug this. But he's still with us through April, right?

Still in through April, but as soon as he canceled his renewal, it just kicked him out. So we'll keep mentioning them. So we might have upwards of 11 for a bit here. And then, of course, if we end up opening up some more Golden Goose tiers, that number will go up. But thank you guys doing that $100 a month. It is awesome. You get a custom thank you video from us. You get your name mentioned in every single episode.

And then, you know, just know that you're part of the Golden Goose tier. Petty Beef now. Zay. Silence in the court. You are now entering. The Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real.

The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Boom. That's some thick-ass bays, dude. We have a very short rat to the point. Petty beef this week. I like your style, dude. Sent in by her son Coulter.

Who, who. Sound like a cowboy right there. That sounds like someone who'd last eight seconds. That's right, brother. My friend and I have been arguing about this for years. He says that it's better to zip your pants then button them. I stand by that you button, then zip. And that that method is far superior.

Button hook. What do you guys think? Coulter G. Ding. I can tell you what I do, and I'm pretty sure it's 100% of the time, unless I'm a button first zip last. Okay, I'm going to undo my pants. But there are...

One second. Get that hog bone out. Now I'm not going to get my dick, I don't think. So just Joe, just putting on pants casually like you would every morning. Pull my pants. Oh, I'm a button. Same. Button and zip.

I don't think about it, though. Yeah. Yeah, it's one of those... You guys hear that ratchet belt? Yeah, I did. Let me get this microphone right down here. You guys can really take in this ratchet belt. You guys ready?

Yeah. Oh. Hell yeah, brother. Nice and tight. Sounds like you're driving home with a mattress in your back and you'll just strap it down. Or ripping out some anal beads. Shooting some marbles out of my peels. Ooh, boy, tell you what.

I'm a button and zip. And I see the argument for both because if you button, then now you know the zipper is in the correct spot, right? But if you zip, then it probably makes putting the button together a little easier. So what I was going to say was I'm a button, then zip. Okay. The only exception is, let's say, like, if I, like, gain some weight or something, putting on pants and you're like, oh, I can't button it. It might help to zip it up a little bit to bring that.

It's like, that would be probably the only time I would do that. Okay. Some pants, though, like I have old Wrangler pants that they're only buttons. Oh, there are no zippler. So it's like four buttons. Those are the days. But then I start from the I'm pretty sure I start from the bottom

And go up Okay So do it in order You don't go to the end one And then do the middles Yeah Okay I'm pretty sure that's the way

I so do that The button changes things up for you It takes reverses the whole process And Zach you said you're a button zip Yep Okay Yeah Yeah yeah yeah

But I mean regardless of Of either way I guess for Coulter We're all going to agree That you are right Button then zip But I understand the zip and then button approach to this.

But this does make you realize there's so many things that are a part of your everyday routine that you just don't think about the order in which you do them. Socks. Socks. See, that's the thing. We were talking about this before the show. And I have a friend in college.

What's up? Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Jeffrey. Because he was my roommate in college. And he has a twin brother. So Justin.

Twin the boss. Jeffrey and Justin. Hi guys. Do you listen to Ken, you don't podcast? No? Good. But he would put his socks on before his pants every time. Yep.

That's what I do. And I think I asked him, I was like, why you put your socks on before your pants? And he goes, because that way when I put my pants on, I don't have to pull my pants leg up in order to put my socks on. And I want you're a fucking genius. And then every. now and again, I do it, like if I remember, but it's just not part of how I was raised, so muscle memory takes over, and it's underwear, and then I'll put on usually underwear, then

pants, t-shirt socks. That's kind of the order I do things. Yeah, I'm a underwear, socks, pants. See, what the, and the most basic of things. And I, and the reason that you said is the exact reason. At some point, it clicked in my head that why am I putting pants on, especially when you have like if you're wearing something with tight ankles or something then you got to pull them up and I have like big calves so I'm over your cats and I'm like fucking or it's like stretching it out or whatever so I just developed that habit and then you and Jeffrey stuck with it be best friends probably yeah he's why I don't know about successful so socks on first would be the only thing you guys had in common you know what I mean that was just to stab at you because we're friends

I got it and it's fun to make fun of your friends I'm not successful yeah I mean we'd like to try and make each other sad and cry because it's friendship. That's how we know we're friends. That's how we know we're friends. That's how we know we're friends is when I say mean things to you. You know what I mean?

Yeah, kind of like your thinning hair you got there. Good one. Bryant. Male pattern baldness. Wow. Male pattern baldness. Joey baldness. Would you like to go watch the football game with me

and have a beer, bald guy? This football athletic competition. My girlfriend. said call your least successful friend how are you doing brian happy to join joe uh Zach yeah socks pants I definitely do not do the sock thing I wait till my pants are on then I put the socks on I know but it feels weird just thinking about walking around in your underwear with socks on feels like a 1980s dad see here's what I find more I socks are in the kitchen oh hell yeah and your pants are in your in your bedroom I have my socks in my shoes sometimes that I'm going to

used already laid out. That's a good idea. Dude, I feel weird if I, so if I take, like, if I had pants on and I took my socks off, I would feel weird having jeans or pants on with no socks. Yeah. Yeah. So I have my pants even come off. When I get in the house, the first thing I do is take my pants off.

Yeah. And like, throw them away. Yeah. So the socks on with just underwear is of common occurrence in my house. I hear you. But you're right. We cannot possibly talk about pants and socks. I don't know.

I put my socks before my pants. Yeah. This sound member. This sound member? Good stuff DJ Cumberbun We haven't looked into what he's been up to for a while You know what's crazy

The way I AI is now The way Hey way Oi It's probably You probably make it even better What?

Like Oh Because that wasn't even that long ago But like With the technology now And we And we have a A couple

Like just AI fit I'm subscribed to a couple different AI programs. And it feels like every week there's a new AI model being released that, and the little stats, like they put, whatever, like the highlights, the features of like why version 3.2 is better than 3.1 of whatever particular AI model. And like, it's always like, it is 698,000 percent faster. And you're like, that was last Tuesday. Like just in a week It just it's getting wild And it is like you've type in a little AI

Prompt now compared to when we first started doing AI shit And it it would take you know I don't know whatever even just like two three minutes right to pump out a picture And now it's like five seconds So it is getting to a point where you type it and you push it And instantly throw something back It's like do you like this? And it's still wildly misses the mark a lot of times

But it's getting faster at being terrible. At missing the mark. Yeah, it is being, what am I trying to say, efficiently terrible. Yeah, it screams.

It still gets it wrong, but it's screaming fast, bro. It's filling out like a math thing. Like, done! It's like, wow,

and everything's wrong. You're like, wow. And everything's wrong. Good job. All right, ready and go? We just like, write anything down.

I'm done. Scribble. Teach is like, unbelievable, new record. Look how fast it is. It's just dicks drawn all over it. What?

You fail. but you failed really fast. That was the quick as anyone's failed. Good job, AI. Thank you. Well, let's move off, right? I mean, that's pretty much it, right? Yeah.

Okay. There's other things that you don't think about. Are you a wet your toothbrush and put your toothpaste on? I'm a tooth paste on then wet. Then what? Zach, your toothbrush, then paste? Yeah. See?

The little tiny differences between this. Are you a cereal in then milk or milk and then cereal? Milk and then cereal is your, you're, you're, you're, you're fucking paste. and lunatic if you do that. That makes no sense. Yeah, you can't judge how much milk you need. No, it's known, I don't, I've never met a single person on the planet that pours milk in and then put cereal. You know they do it, though. I don't believe it. I believe it was just an internet meme. Not even true. Never seen them to, I ain't even interested. I'll fucking kill them if I see someone do it.

They're dead. Uh, let's move off to some good news. You ready? All right. Zah! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Um, this is wild. Let's go to the science world for some good news. Uh, we've read a little bit. I know that we've done some hooray. We're not doomed probably a couple years ago now. About the plastic bag bands, right?

Uh, is someone doing aerobics upstairs? I think someone rode in on a horse. I've read the rules. You could ride a horse in anyone's house here. I'm trying, brother. Um, this is Liberty. Where they, they did, uh, The plastic ban, and then the number of bags that were removed from landfills was like a number that was unfathomable.

Like just in the like hundreds of billions of tons of plastic that were taken out and like people still manage to get their food home. It's like, whoa, how'd we do it? It's like no, because we were just pitched the easiest possible way. And don't get me wrong. I still use plastic bags. But that was just a good step. If we talked about that, I think we've talked about other plastic things, like maybe cleaning up the plastic. plastic island. What do they call that thing in the Pacific Ocean?

Seems like a name that Zach would know. I don't know the name of it, but they have a cool name for it. We're all the currents basically mush all of the plastic and floaty things into one thing and they have a fun name for it. Anyway, did you guys know this? That plastic can be programmed to have a lifespan of days, months, or years. Yeah. So maybe don't even have to get rid of plastic altogether. just have to come up with a way to make it break down immediately after. Did you find the name? The Great Pacific Garbage Patch.

The GPGP. Chemical additions to plastic that mimic natural polymers, like DNA can make materials that break down in days, months, or years, rather than littering the environment for centuries. Researchers hope their new technique will lead to plastic products that serve their purpose and then safely self-destruct. his message will this uh toy will self-destruct in 20 years you're like is this water bottle bad and it has like an exact time on it and you're like shit while you're drinking it it's like and uh in 2022 more than a quarter of a billion tons of plastic were discarded globally and only 14% was recycled we're just not interested you think it's the color of bin like if he made the bin more fun i don't even think i don't even know if it's that

Like, does it actually, let's see you put it in the right bin. Does it still go to the right place? It has to go through a lot of checkpoints. There's been a lot of scams in the recycling world. Yeah. It's turned a lot of people off, I think. I think, don't quote me on this. I think Cortalane was a city.

I don't think they knew that was happening, but they hired a recycling company. And I think, I don't think, I don't think, I don't think I am. But they got rid of them because the recycling company, company was just taking it and going and dumping it somewhere. Yeah. So they basically said, yeah, yeah, we got it and got the contract and everything and then just never did it. Kind of like the people that didn't burn the dogs.

They burned trash and through the dogs in a landfill. Right. Right, exactly. Didn't cremate the dogs just through the dogs in a landfill. And then gave them ashes from like a rat or whatever it was. Yeah. Or a plastic bag. Somebody rode in and had like a really close connection to that place.

Like even brought their pets there or something. maybe. Anyway, 60% was recycled. The rest was either burned or buried. I do know one thing. That's supposed to burn plastic. The promise of a practical biodegradable plastic has been around for at least 35 years, and there have been efforts to make such materials using everything from bamboo to seaweed. But in truth, many such materials are difficult to compost and their producers make unrealistic claims. So they went to Rutgers, the State University of New Jersey, and developing a technique to create plastics with finely tuned lifespans

that can quickly break down either in compost or in the natural environment. You take and you steal in my camera? Mm-hmm. Why? You're not interested in learning about the fate of the planet?

I am, but it feels... But here's the thing. When we were... It's just too good in news? No, when we were kids, they were like, we've got eight years or the ozone's gonna collapse.

and we're all going to die. And it feels like every five years, they're like, in the next 10 years, the world is going to implode. We're just so sick of listening to you hippies. And I, you know, like, I care, obviously care about it. Just let me plastic? I do, no, I do, like, I recycle. I do all, I do all things that I try to help and I try to, like, fall along with the things. But at the same time, we're being told all the time that we have the guilt, that we are the ones that are fucking everything up.

And I'm doing whatever. Huh? It's not the horses. I know. But, no, but it's like, I feel like how long are we going to go that they're going to keep saying it's imminent that this has to change. And that we have five years before the, before Seattle is underwater. Hold on. That's what you just pulled from the article I was reading?

No, I just started trailing off. Jesus. Like, I'm all for, it just feels like sometimes we're being preached to by people who. Exciting science news. But. Oh, he's something. It's just, I don't know, I feel like people are profiting a bunch of money and making us feel guilty for not doing something while they're making a ton of money. And their great solution is more taxes.

Way to think about it. Sorry. Anyway. Zach, next article or whatever. Next segment, go ahead. What now? Just go on the next segment. Go ahead.

The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits. You can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes.

That's awesome. Let's see what Brian picked. Joe, you look so disappointed. Let's see what Brian picked for the show. What do you got, Brian? I'm sorry. Dude, I love Bill and I as much as the next guy, but it just feels like,

well. Okay. Wait, what happened? What happened? What? Oh, what the hell? What happened? Someone, this was sent in by our daughter, Katie.

Yeah. New Hampshire. Excuse me? It was the New Hampshire. smore, but all of a sudden the link went What the hell? It's an urban dictionary thing that as of last night there

was a thing, the New Hampshire Smoor, now it's gone. You're going to have to go use the internet archives. Let's see. New Hampshire Smoor. I just put this article in last night and it was there. And now it's not.

Clicking the link. It's not there. Wow. son of a bitch There's a Hold on There's this Can you explain what the New Hampshire Smoor means

In graphic detail I heard its definition Was an urban dictionary Whoa All right You asked for graphic detail So here goes Straight from Urban Dictionary's top entry

A New Hampshire Smoor Is this wild Filthy Sex Act First the guy takes a massive dump Right into the girl's mouth while she's on her knees. She keeps it all in there, no swallowing yet, and starts blowing him with the shit still loaded up,

like some twisted chocolate filling. He finishes by busting a nut straight into her mouth, mixing the cum with the turd into this nasty, gooey mess. Then she spits the whole semen- smeared load back into his mouth. He swishes it around and hawks it right into her vagina, before sliding in for the main course, fucking her with that scat cocktail sloshing around inside. example they gave

dude goes a yo bitch you want a new hampshire smore and she hits back go fuck yourself yeah sounds about right definitely not for the faint of heart you good or was that TMI

I'm not good I'm not good I'm traumatized anyway was that a good enough description would you like would you like me to slosh that semen comfort turnaround that scat mess

a little more gronk that's what gronk sounds like I don't like him. I think I'd rather have gronk. Gronk. The football player.

Yeah. Yeah. Hey. Hey, next summer. This summer, the new Hampshire smore. Would you like me to read you, Good Night Moon? Good night, little mouse in the house. Good night, old lady in the chair.

Good night, moons and socks everywhere. Did I read a good book for you? It's creepy. Did I do good? Did I do good job? It was like we do good or job? Was that good enough job? I could do better job.

I could do a better job. I am the voice you get where you select action movie in all AI voice simulators. Grong. Me good. Come turd. Scat gooey mess. Scat gooey mess. Skat-Gooly-Madis.

Was that TMI? Coutney County. That's gross. I try it. Try everything once. I hadn't considered it read by something like that. Yeah. But I'm not joking.

It was last night. I put this in here. And maybe that was too much for Urban Dictionary. Yeah. I was gone. Is there a line? I don't know. Apparently.

Maybe whoever had it just pulled it. or something, who knows? In the last... Maybe it was a fuck... I mean, think about that ploy. In the last 13 hours? Think about if you made... Hold on.

Hear me out. Let's say that rotten sled. Okay? We have the Urban Dictionary. We have our definition of rotten sled. How's that doing, by the way? Have we checked in? No, let's see.

You do that. And you made that... And then you made a video on socials talking about the rotten sled, right? And then... So everyone was talking. about that. The video did well. And then you were the poster of it, so you went and took it off of Urban Dictionary, so that everybody would go search for it and then go to your video where you actually make money. And you don't make money if they just go to Urban Dictionary. So you make it, you make a video, it takes off and pull it off Urban Dictionary. So they do exactly what we just did, and they have to watch your video instead.

That's interesting. You might be on to something there. I think I nailed it. Is this? It's got a 187 thumbs ups and two thumbs downs What are you thumbs and down? Should we flag it? Flag for sheriff? Remember there? Flag for sheriff?

God damn. Forgot about that one. All right, so it's still hanging in there. It is. The old rotten sled. Wait, what? Rotten sled. You could have Gronk read it to us.

I forgot what the definition was. So you could take that and throw it in an AI reader. One time when I was much younger. Yeah, that's gross. That was a fun contest. I remember that. People sending in all sorts of... Should we do another one?

Eh, we could. We could. We'll think about it. When we're recording five weeks in advance, maybe we don't open up a contest. That's a good idea. Because we can't do anything about it until mid-February. All right, let's hear from the kids.

Zach, please. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. All right. All right.

Grock here. First email coming in from our kinky son, Jordan. We've had a lot of kinky stuff. Hey, Dad's an unkey Zach. Hello. So I let my nine-year-old son play with my phone and take some pictures of some Legos he made when I heard a scream and a thud. Just had a dark joke.

I ran into his room to see what happened, and there I found him. head in his shirt and sobbing uncontrollably and scream crying, what are you doing to her? Right there. I put him right up for adoption. I don't know if you can come back from that. I couldn't get him to talk to me,

and that's when I found my phone, and he found a video of me and my wife. Now, you might be thinking, seeing your parents having sex could definitely make a young boy cry. Having sex. Except he weren't just having threesome sex. Let me paint you a picture.

My wife and I are into some pretty kinky stuff. Shabari, the Japanese art of rope bondage, wax play, BDSM. I'm Casey Kaysome. I'm Casey Kaysam. Rope bondage. Wax play. BDSM and things of that nature. Did I give enough information?

Would you like me to prepare this in a social? Would you like me to make this into a graphic for PowerPoint? So picture this. My wife is bound in an intricate rope harness, arms tied, and a blindfold on. Her chest is covered in wax drippings. There is a butt plug in her ass, a vibrator in her pussy. And I am just going to town fucking her face. Ah, yeah.

That is love. It's so funny to think about parents doing that. And like your kids, you're in the other room and they have no idea that's going on. Nope. Then you go out and make lunch for school. You walk out there and you're just like making a P.B. and J. Would you like cheese on your turkey sandwich? As there's come dripping out my nose.

Luckily, he threw the phone before he got to the part of me spanking her with a paddle that leaves a welt that says, Slot! Can he send us this video? Needless to say, he is a bit traumatized. My wife is embarrassed as hell, and he hasn't really talked to us in a day. What do you want to eat? nothing. Nothing your hand.

Nothing your dirty dick beaters touch. So I can I could use some fathery advice on how to proceed. We have given him the basic sex talk so he knows where babies come from but what we were doing

doesn't usually end in a baby being made. How does one explain to a nine-year-old that their mom is a dirty submissive slut? Mommy and daddy are degenerate. Listen, we have fun. Any advice would be greatly appreciates. Love your red-headed stepson, Jordan.

P.S., if this makes it on the show, can Unkey Zach give me a gunner boom-shakalaka? Boom-shakalaka. There it is. How are we supposed to give advice on this? My advice would be, don't let your kids use your phone. Yeah.

Get them their own. My kids, yeah, my kids will want to take pictures and stuff. And that's fine. I don't have porn on my phone, but Cassie and I will, like, periodically send, like, sexy porn gifts to each other and like even then I'll usually delete them out after we're done just for this exact reason in case the kids go on my phone but I guess won't let them just have my fucking phone they can get to the camera without getting in my phone like with the pass code and they can still

take pictures but yeah just don't give them the damage is done and so now you have to move out I would have the kid move out and the relationship yeah adoption and the relationship and move on with your life and don't make that same mistake again what are the call it when you emancipate? Yeah. Yeah, emancipate from your parents. Masturbate. You masturbate from your marriage. That's, I mean, if he was a little bit older, maybe he feels a little differently about it. If he's 13, maybe he does. Yeah, you just unlocked a new thing. And he's looking at his mom differently. Oh, boy. I don't know. I'd be thankful that he's only nine and not 16 or 18. Did you guys ever find anything of your parents, naked or anything? No, but I did. I think I've shared this story for

What do you think it about was when my mom had a porn on VHS and put it in the VCR, then the VCR broke. Of course it would. And the tape was stuck in it. And I'm like a fucking knife, like trying to jam it out and breaking it. And I guess I knew. I was like, well, that's it. Throw the whole VCR away. Fucking that was it.

Just went outside and played until I heard the scream. My parents were divorced when I was eight. So, all right. So that's what you jerk off to? When I was like seven, went through my parents stuff and I found some naughty pictures of them and it was awesome changed my life for the better nope oh no I set you on the path that you're following today maybe realize that my parents were human kind of I didn't want to deal with that

yeah it's like when you see a teacher out of the school yeah what are you doing I thought they just lived in the classroom yeah yeah naked picture your parents is the gateway drug to play in RV shows I don't recommend it to any of y'all is that joke boring is that overplayed yet? I'm loving it still. Okay, cool. I get R&R RV ass all the time. Think of you, buddy. Yeah. All right, Brian, you know how to read. Okay. All right, second email coming. This one

a lot like the first email right off the top. The Dick Marbles? It's a cringy one. Oh, boy. From Ethan. Really? Okay. Hi, Daddy's and Uncle Zach. It's been a while since I've written, but I have a story. My dad told me when I was young when he was a nurse in the hospital.

Fucking, here we go. Nurses, spilling the beans. I feel like they just had, they're like, I have to tell somebody. Listen, I don't know you, but you, I have to tell someone. I can't be the only one that knows about this. He told the stories about a lot of people come in with things in their butts and pee holes.

Oh, right. My favorite and most disturbing was an older man that had shoved a large safety pin in his dickhole. Okay. And when he did it, opened up and essentially created a fish hook in his, dick that he couldn't remove because he kept stabbing inside every time he tried to pull it out. You tried to Prince Albert himself.

I don't remember how they ended up getting it out when I'm sure it was awful. Honestly, I probably blocked it out because I was probably eight years old and when he told me the story. Good luck trying to get that image out of your head. Sexy. Ethan sent from my first iPhone. He went back to the closet and dug it out just to send that in. There was another email we got. Lord humans, man.

Maybe we can share in another episode of some local folks here in the hospital that sent in something that they pulled from an orifice. Oh, wow. With pictures and everything. I just didn't want to overload it with the show. Yeah, I think it's a good idea. Yeah, cool. Can't wait to see it. Here's a short one from Josh.

Hey, daddies. Just wanted to suggest, if you want to delay your orgasm, try having severe ADHD. Have you tried? Not being able to focus? It worked for me. It often is an impossibility for me to finish. When I get close and I hear a noise. Or a sad country song is playing.

Just go see the man parked by the lake. And the dude sings about his dead dog or a fallen soldier as I'm getting there. I have to start all over. And I usually just give up. Keep up the great work. Love what you guys do. Shout out to Uncle Zach. I try to smear the scat wherever I can.

Thank you, brother. Your squirrel-brained stepson, lowercase Josh. Thank you, Josh. ADHD is so bad, forgot to capitalize his own name. Just skipped right over it. It's the idea of just being like right. You're so close and then, yeah, Park by the Lake comes on. And you're just like so into it that you just drift off and just being overcome by.

Isn't that that paralysis by analysis you get so stuck in your head? head and then you follow all these thoughts down a dumb rabbit hole of thoughts and then yeah now you don't have a boner anymore yeah what the fuck bro like is she into it does she even like this am i supposed am i supposed to be awake yeah is this why is she not smiling oh boy she breathing she's she dead i'm gonna stop having sex now uh all right well that's episode one 88 of the can you don't podcast again send stuff in recording a bunch in the next few weeks hey guys at can you don't podcast dot com that's where all that content goes please support us Consider it.

Hawkathon, Patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Subscribe all the benefits. Choose which tier is right for you. And rate and review us wherever you listen to the show. Go check out what Uncle Zach is doing. You can find that directly at www.

scatcast.com. And a shout out to the babysitter as the moderator at the Canyon Doom Playground on Facebook. Wrap it up? Just wrap it up, brother. Zach. Good God. it up already, huh?

Put a big old bow on her. Yep. A little joke for you, Joe. Okay. How do you catch a whole school of fish? With a net. It's one way to do it. Okay.

But the best way it would be with bookworms. It's double funny because it's a school. Mm-hmm. And then books. Mm-hmm. And then worms. Multi-layered. Wow.

Multi-layered dad joke. I love it. I'm sorry. You're not successful. I'm a human. I'm a real person with real feelings. Real feelings. and real baldness.

Oh, real human with a forehead that keeps getting bigger. Look at it. You could watch a movie on my forehead. Are you interested in seeing the new avatar on Joe's head? Here, take these glasses. It's 3D. All right. Moving off.

And it's white enough to project on, too. Yes, it is. Watch out for that nose. might hit you in the eye big nose big forehead big problems look at those ears they're getting bigger as well those are pretty big ears

40 years old big ears there's gonna be hair coming out of them soon oh there is I have to show in the I was going like this my ear and I thought I had something and it went like that and a hair just went like I felt it just pop out

hey there's that glad I got that I got to say this there was a guy that came to my house the other day for a reason that I won't get into but he had gray hair on his head and then a thick patch of dark hair in his ears and it couldn't hear very well and it just...

Why? I think it was the dark hair in his ears. On the count of the dark hair in his ears? On the count of the ear muff? But I didn't even know that was a thing where you could have other colored hair that dark and that patchy... Yeah.

Very strange. Anyway. Yeah. That was my two cents. That's good. I wish you would have taken a picture. It must have been rough. All right. Oh, boy. That was a pond callback.

All right. moving off bonus stuff do the thing bye bye bye