Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Life Preserver. DVD. Lawn Mower. 9:30pm.

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

Remember that one time you were taking a dump and your girlfriend's younger brother came into the bathroom, didn't know you were in there, and started jerking off in the shower while saying his own sister's name? It's a tale as old as time. Let's talk about that, waking up to watch I Love Lucy, sniffing your own ear wax, being addicted to stealing life preservers from airplanes, and more on today's episode of Can you Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/KTNizLfJHwoSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Life Preserver, DVD, lawnmower, 9.30pm. I'm not wearing any underwear You either? No, I'm not actually Yeah My shorts are really Look at how Look at how short These shorts are I'm glad I wore these underwear

My balls would be hanging out I wouldn't want to Zach's out there Hooting and hollering Yeah, what do you want? Slowly throughout The video version It's nobody

It just zooms in Closer and closer until it's just your nuts they're like whoa i guess they quit i guess we're retiring yeah good lead in yeah oh yeah nice transition 65 episode 65 a lot of people retire then yeah just got being none we're not with the way the economy's going we're working till i don't know triple digits we will work till we die. Just to buy some cereal? You don't have to work to 100? Well, imagine what cereal's gonna cost.

That's what I'm saying. Can't stop working, baby. Gotta keep going. We were talking about DuckTales beforehand. We were singing the DuckTales theme song. And then during the intro, I look over at Joe and Joe kind of gives me a shush because I always make noises and

stuff and i'm not sure if it was like a sexual like i was turned on or like he's like shut the fuck up right before i mean because i was gonna do it too but i noticed right before the intro played normally our microphones are muted and they weren't so i went oh i don't want to go back and have to edit this i'm'm just going, oh. Another episode. God, foreigners. Just the worst shit. People who don't speak English. Are you kidding me? Yeah! Just good stuff like that.

Did you know that we have over 25 hours of bonus content on our Patreon page? I did not know that. Let me tell you more. And if you subscribe to us on Patreon, you have access to all of that, plus everything we do on the back end of every episode, plus a lot more's three different tiers you can head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast send stuff into the show to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and speaking of sending stuff in you know we're doing today yeah i have a feeling you got your

your daddy robe on or whatever that's what we start calling with priest wear now fucking daddy robes we should You know what we should Start doing We should get A little White collar Oh you snap it on Snap it on

For that Segment Confessions Might have Red Over the course of time We'll get a new one And because it's

You know It gets hot in the studio Sometimes It gets that sweaty Look Get all yellow Like the little ring And we could get some

Little boys To just hang out in the room oh is that delicious that's where we draw the line yeah oh my god yeah speaking of retirees little kids walking around in here what do you guys need me for anything shut up we'll let you know just go alter boy yeah doing confessions and there's some good ones very excited about that there's some really funny ones in there. Doing confessions. And there's some good ones. Very excited about that. There's some really funny ones in there.

Got a lot of, you know, there's some, of course, some naughty stuff, but also just some stuff. There's one in particular that now that I'm talking about it that I'm thinking of, it's just so fucking random and funny to me. And it's about two sentences long. So I'm looking forward to that. You ready to get the show rolling? Yeah. I feel like if there's anybody left listening after that came in kind of hot there.

Well, these little boys are going to be listening. They'll have a choice. Yeah. They're locked in here with us. You shut your mouth. Zach! Hey, shut up. It's not the show already.

You shut... Ow! You shut your mouth. Ow! Not now. You did it. Would you rather... We want some peanut butter. We! Not now. You did it. Would you rather. We want some peanut butter.

We have a would you rather for today. Do we? Mm-hmm. And it's not, you know, it's on the safe side. But it's a fun one to ponder nonetheless. Would you rather be able to survive falls from any height? Okay. Okay.

Or be bulletproof? Mm. So two kind of superpower situations here. I guess being able to survive falls is the only way I'm getting in a fucking hot air balloon. Yeah. Like that's easy. So if I ever had the, I don't know, had the, on a whim, decided to go up and risk my life in a hot air balloon if I can't, you know,

if I can't die by falling out, fucking, at least I know I'm surviving. Can you imagine if you got shot, though,

and died? You're like, I'm finally going in in a hot air balloon and then you get shot and die. And the hot air balloon guy's like,

hey, look at me. Yeah. He just shoots you. Shoots you in the foot. You're worried about falling, you know,

like, crash landing and dying and then you get shot. So maybe you should have chosen the bulletproof oh man there's uh i think i know what i would pick okay well uh the new travel options if you can't die by fall damage are you just getting a fucking cannon and go to the grocery store yeah so that's good news well you can still explode couldn't you yeah well you know they're

the ones that they shoot you how fun would that be if that's how you got around yeah like hey honey like oh god damn it i forgot the milk and you go put your little little circus cannon helmet on it's got like you know why do you need a helmet if you can survive that's just style points aerodynamics yeah it has to have like like cool stars on it and shit yeah you don't want to... Plus, it'll mess your hair up if you're just getting blasted out of cannons without helmets, right? Well, then you get helmet head.

I know. I mean, I grew up with hat hair. I know what that's all about. Think about what a mindfuck that would be if you were at the grocery store and you're walking out. In the distance, you just hear... This body just...

Just slams into the side of the building and stands up well so i was forgot the milk you know how it is right what i unbuckle my helmet like what the fuck wife was on me about the milk so i can come back here i am um i was i was gonna ask you about that when you and you said it. You can survive a fall, but does being shot in the side of a building, does that count? As a fall damage? To me, that's like a slam into the side of something.

What if you just hit the parking lot? Is that a fall or is that a slam? Yeah. But like a fall, you don't fall into the side of a building. You crash into the side of a building you crash into the side of a building yeah just remind him yeah yeah um just reminded me of your what yeah when you were talking to me hey just go what like for no reason i'm pretty sure that i had a stroke that was kind of the

same one it reminded me of it when i was like yeah so if you hit the button hit the one you're like yeah all right i guess fuck me huh dynamite fuck dynamite conversation brian loving it all right yeah i guess but that's i mean that's just falling sideways right i mean we're getting into semantics here zach what do you think i think even when you smash into a building it's kind of but you're not falling anymore well i don't know you can't fall sideways can you like you fall gravity doesn't gravity doesn't take you to the side of a wall gravity pulls you down yeah it's an impact thing though so if you can survive impacts yeah maybe you can just but it just says it just says falls okay then brian's probably right here yeah yeah but if you trip and like fall into a

shelf yeah that's true yeah gravity's that's gravity pulling you down well the other thing is too you never come down you just go on forever baby yeah let's get out of the semantics realm and just and just call it fine okay you get to you you get to get shot and whatever you hit you're surviving it okay okay that's that one what about bulletproof what are the benefits of being bulletproof outside of just being a military school without being worried yikes oh oh on the asshole there's people shooting up schools but you're talking about it i'm talking about it i'm the asshole going hot with the buttons today over here. Yeah.

You're allowing me to and I like that. I've touched on some pretty interesting subjects so far. I'll tell you what you're going to get if you're bulletproof. A fucking great education. Yeah. Yeah. Fantastic. You're going to be able to make it to all your classes alive and come out.

And that's great. Even go to college without worrying about anything. Right. You can be the only person in school. I'll just stay in school forever. Yeah. Think about... Oh, man. Never mind. go to college without worrying about anything right you can be the only person in school i'll just stay in school forever yeah think about yeah oh man never mind i was gonna say uh it's a terrible thought we're not gonna stay here i was thinking a school shooter that's bulletproof and guess how fucking terrible that would be well i mean i've always thought that like why wouldn't someone why do they go in there without because like yeah like just dress up and arm not let's

not get into that are you idiot moving on if you really wanted to kill some fucking kids what you do is that's the kind of shit I think about all the time why is there, nevermind but outside of just you have to be a naughty naughty boy a naughty boy to benefit from really being bulletproof that was my thought

that's why I think it's an easy decision for me because like how many times have I been shot? zero how times have i fallen down a lot quite a bit i've never died from falling down but like i would like the idea of skydive like i want to go skydiving but there's in the back of my mind there's always like parachute might not open well the best thing about you could just skydive out of a commercial airliner yeah Yeah. That's the whole thing. Like, that plane's going to crash. You'd be like, I'm fine.

And you open up the emergency, just jump out. Or think about just like, you guys get your earphones in, you listen to whatever, DuckTales theme song, reading a book, and the fucking plane's on fire. And you're like, shh. Well, you can still burn in it, but that's the thing. Okay, okay, not on fire. Yeah. But it's crashing, and everyone's panicking.

There's like prayer circles. You're like, God damn it. Shut up. This is a good part. It's a good part. You're sitting there reading your book. This is when Launchpad McQuack always crashes. He never lands.

Yeah, he's crashing. But is that falling, or do you guys have to wait for the last second, and then you just jump out of the airplane? Well, that's the whole thing. Gravity's pulling you down So is that Is that a fall You could crash inside of a building

Good lord dude You are god damn it I'm not Just so Just so I'm not I'm not intentionally I'm not intentionally

It's not like I planned this What do we got We got We were talking about DuckTales We got Alter Boys Foreigners Alter Boys 9-11 And and school shootings.

This is great. How long has the show been going? 10 minutes? 10 minutes. Please don't make that the title of this show. That's the four things across the front? Alter Boys, 9-11, Foreigners, school shootings? Good God.

It was fun doing this with you guys until the end here. Yeah, thanks for sticking around. I don't know. I feel like anybody that's listening to this show you guys until the end here yeah thanks for being or sticking around i don't know i feel like anybody that's listening to this show can handle it right of course they can that's why they're here yeah um yeah surviving fall just seems like a like a cool trick too hey joe do the do the thing you're like okay and you just take the elevator up top of the condo and like all right you're like ready okay jump off yeah and it says you survive i mean you get hurt are you just like you just perfect condition or you just like you're a ball and you now you're i guess like a puddle that has to stay alive i mean you could now you're

completely paralyzed yeah which i feel like your body your body just bounces not bounces back like literally bounces back but like like it, you know, you bounce back pretty well. Jumping out, it's jumping off of shit. And those, like those bouncy balls, it's like all the way inside of,

or like that fun game. Well, if the building's on fire, you just jump out. Yep. Get out of there. Your fire department's like, jump on the trampoline.

You're like, I don't need it. You're like, just get the fuck out of the way. What if I hit one of you guys? I'm living. Watch this shit. He's like,

believe me, I will be fine. How? You're 300 stories in the air. Just believe me. You have a megaphone? Get the fuck out of the way. Save somebody else. Please move on.

I'm fine. That conversation turned into a spoiler. No, you're not fine. The building's on fire. He's like, I fucking know. Believe me. They're like, sir, you're just in a you're in a weird mental state you're in shock no i believe me i'm never i'm just shocked you'll get out of the fucking way god i will be fine trust me megaphones feedback did you hold it off to the side you're like god damn these motherfuckers yeah i said

get out of the fucking way sir no right here on the bullseye god damn it have like an emergency wingsuit because you can get away from people trying to save you oh i like that see that's the thing those wing suitors yeah that's the thing here so i've watched there's a guy i used to follow he died there's a guy i used to follow on facebook he he was like he was a red bull guy oh and so he would jump and he would go through like the arches and red ones and shit um that's the best so that's let's say you crash into the side of a mountain is that technically does that is that fine a fall i mean i think anything going down okay i think it's a fall

because if you guys know how much i want to fly oh do you know yeah the idea that i could figure out a way to fly some way and then not die i mean i'm taking that all day you can put in the the rate at which you could progress like motorsports knowing you weren't gonna die you're like hey we try quite i'll try a fucking five of them i'll give you sure have you ever ridden a motorcycle no get the fuck out just you know put your helmet on and then the tom cruise mission impossible thing off the jump maybe the best stunt the best stunt double of all time. It's real footage every single time. I'm good.

Cut. Cut. We got it. We got it. Holy shit. One Take Tony is your name. God, the CGI is looking fucking real these days. Crazy.

No, it is real. That's Joe. That's Joe. It's crazy shit. It's One Take Tony. I was there, baby. Oh, man. And the bulletproof thing, it's like you have to, yeah, you just have to be an asshole to

benefit from it. I mean, or in the army. Are you calling kids that are? Stop it. Like, bulletproof. Oh, my God. So. Calm down.

There might be a. Like, going to. I know. Going to. In the room. Like, being in the military and going on some mission, like, you might be a Like going to, I know Going to In the room Like being in the military And going on some mission Like you would be the best

You could still get blown up But you would just walk down the fucking street Kamikaze pilot? Yeah, that's not bulletproof, is it? Oh, sorry, I was going back to crash Like you could just crash into a boat It sinks and you just swim away You just swap back

I was like, that's not a fucking bullet. Like, yeah, that's the big one. It's a big fucking bullet. A big manned bullet. A manned bullet. Yeah, if you're falling, I'm going to get rid of the fall damage. Like, there'll be a situation. Let's say you're at a country concert and you want to be bulletproof.

You know, like, you... God damn it. There are special times when being bulletproof would be really beneficial because how many times are you putting yourself in a position where you might fall and die but you could go to a concert and wish you were bulletproof right so there are times when it would be beneficial yeah you're just like What the fuck's a big deal? Everyone's running out. Encore! Come on!

One more song! One more song! Just you? Just you in a field of chaos? One more song! Well, we got 65 episodes. That's good. This title is now five different little phrases long.

It just keeps going. They're like, why did they do this? And it's just all of the crazy offensive things you say. It's like 20 long. All right. Well, we're 15 minutes in. Well, I'm not. You're being funny.

We're just bunching your dicks. Well, the thing is, I'm not. We're just bunching your dicks. Sounds funny. We're taking them all and just bunching them together. I meant to say punching. No, you said bunch said bunch i'm just referring to things that have happened i didn't do these things yeah right you're not you're not the bad one yeah yeah you're just saying it would have been beneficial i'm just saying how's that bad these things happen yeah they do yeah and quite a bit get mad at the get

mad at the priest hit the player not me hit the player not the game i feel like we need we need a cricket sound effect back there yeah it's somewhere and i'm not the one diddling your kids right so don't don't fucking blame me you know what i mean there's got to be uh applause no i don't have any booing that's a bummer uh i got this one there you go does that does that work all right let's move on was that compassionate yeah there you go all right what are you thinking about let's get into it hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about if you subscribe to us on patreon you heard pepper last week uh

roasting us uh making fun of us that was a blur yeah which was a lot of fun she did a really good job making fun of us but uh along with that when she was making an appearance on the show and outside in life she's just getting older and she keeps bringing up that she's going to have her driver's license soon. She turns 13 in November. In Idaho, you can drive when you're 15, which, you know,

thinking back about me getting my driver's license when I was 15. Like, what the fuck? Taking driver's ed when I was 14? What? That's so young.

So young. I look at her. I i'm like you're an idiot like in your two years from now there's no miracle between now and then like listen i love you and you're smart and you got all that but like as far as life goes yeah trusting you and just driving around other idiots you're driving around in a weapon yeah driving around in this metal fucking rocket with a bunch of dumb idiots and you're an idiot and everyone's like let's go do dumb shit there's a bunch of yous on the road and they all have equally great ideas yeah like let's go to this place nothing bad can happen here yeah and we're out on the road with

them yeah so anyway her talking about getting her driver's license reminded me of getting my driver's license. And that reminded me of a really funny story of one of my really good friends, Josiah. Okay. Now, I'm not sure if this is the same because I didn't attend. I wasn't bouncing around between driver ed classes. Did you team up with somebody? Is that like a normal thing? I had, yeah, there was a kid in the back seat when i was driving so i think that's what you mean yeah um i think like the privatizing

driving lessons is a lot more popular now than it was back when we were get our driver's license like we were just all like you can you can hire somebody to come like do one-on-one driving lessons with you and i think that's a lot more popular way to do it now do the schools even do it i don't even know i don't think they do yeah we go to the school auditorium and sit down with all your friends that were old enough to to drive that coming school year one of the teachers at our high school was the driver's ed teacher yeah yeah all of our football coaches were drivers ed teachers yeah just looking for a little a little extra side hustle. That was like, they were just scouting for the team.

You're like, oh, look out for that. Like seeing how fast your reaction time is. Larry. You can use him on the track team. You're a halfback. Yeah. We got a little kid. He's like, I'm just kidding.

Look at those reflexes. That's pretty fast. You trying out for the football team this fall? What? So we're all in the auditorium and uh my buddy josiah and i were both older for our grade we would have our birthday in the summer heading into the school here so we were able to get a really old yeah well yeah oh the cutoff day i believe as my mom tells me heading into kindergarten the cutoff day was my birthday and so they could have either pushed me ahead really young or held me back and been disappointed oh yeah because you have a late you have a late late birthday yeah i could see that yeah because there was always the kids that were

like september october birthdays that were older and there was kids that were like july yeah who probably should have been in the next grade down. So I was driving as going into my freshman year of high school. Oh, wow. How fucking cool is that? My car wasn't cool. I think I had an 84 white Subaru hatchback. Oh, yeah. With the four-wheel drive button you could push when you were moving, which is a big deal.

Is it true that all Subaru drivers collect ninja swords? Did you have ninja swords? I didn't have any ninja swords. You're ruining my study. Well, I mean, not really. I'm just one. Did you have a cage in the back with your dog? No.

Oh, you're ruining the study again. Didn't have a cage dog in there. So anyway, driver's license paired up with my buddy Josiah because we're both old enough for heading to Bubba. I had had some driving practice, like you said, in a small town. And my mom would take me and my dad would let me drive the car between like our two towns for three miles as i was getting closer and closer to taking so they're letting me drive the family around when i'm 14 that's crazy what the fuck is happening but no one died so i guess it worked out so anyway uh josiah for whatever reason he is one of the smartest people i like that you will ever meet i mean me for sure but anybody he's so

fucking smart like aerospace engineer graduated i believe top of his class from john hopkins uh like full ride aerospace engineer afterwards he's already retired like he's he's all set like he's so he's my age uh i'm just struggling to get by and he's fucking retired like he's he's all set like he so he's my age uh i'm just struggling to get by and he's fucking retired and built his own earth ship into a mountain to avoid paying any bills so all the money he made went straight into savings and he's done so good job yeah however he's a he's a fucking idiot like we we go to trivia we win every single time like i'm on his team, we break the record. A couple weeks ago, or a couple months ago,

we went and we broke the record, which was previously set by us, for the most correct. And it wasn't me. You say us. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I just sit there and I go, fuck yeah, dude. Oh, right. You got it.

It's each round, you get a free pretzel, if you win that round. You're just there for the food. I'm there for the pretzels. In the glory. And if there's any questions about Mortal Kombat. Get uh get over here where's that pretzel yeah and he's finish it he's also he's also a huge idiot when it comes to certain things because he's autistic um i mean we knew that growing up he didn't know until later he's diagnosed like only five years

ago and i was like yeah you're fucking autistic because he actually he met ezra like when ezra they started hanging out he goes i'm a lot like you are you sure yeah and he's like you sure it's uh ezra's yours yeah i'm pretty sure pretty sure this looks a lot like me is he is that a forrest gump situation it's only time will tell so uh i'm just gonna speed up a little quick here so uh he's not good at driving and he's terrible and he's terrible. And he's having a really hard time. He keeps fucking shit up. I'm in the back seat, and it got to the point where I would, when it was my turn or his turn to drive, I would get in the back.

And as a joke, I would sit in the middle and put my lap belt on. And I'd grab the shoulder belts from both sides and then put those over me. So I'd have like a one, two three three four like a four point three yeah three point but then you have the like all the bars are coming you know the straps over the shoulder it's just like a it's basically a straight jacket and i just sit in the back and laugh like you're in a monster truck yep and so uh on this particular drive we get we're getting towards the end of completing driver's ed and he he needs to really crush this one he needs to get really high marks well he's in a monster truck he's gonna crush it so he's doing great he hasn't fucked anything up he hasn't like the teacher hasn't had to say anything to him about like

rolling the stop sign or getting too close to that car or like trying to make him park and he'd hit the fucking curb um like he just wasn't that good at driving and he's doing a great job and we are heading back to the high school um you know to turn it in and be done for the day and we are two blocks away from the high school and i'm sitting back in the straight jacket and we're approaching this intersection and my friend our friend tristan lives at the intersection and he has a um a lawnmower that would go pretty fast. And across the street. A riding lawnmower?

Yeah. It would go, wait, I don't know why it went so fast, but it was a fast one. So when his parents were out of town, we'd always take it and fuck off. And souped it up. And there's a mound of dirt that we would take it and ride it up and barely try and jump it. So we're heading to the intersection. With a blade on? Yeah.

I mean, no. Whatever. I actually don't even remember. It could have been. But it was at a party and it was just a little bit ago so we're driving and i wasn't even trying to fuck him up and we're driving and i go oh i was like i was like there's that there's that dirt mound there's that dirt mound that we jumped on that lawnmower and he turns goes where and goes right through a stop sign i thought he was he went through the mound he goes where it looks to the left and he just goes and blows right through a stop sign i thought you said you went through the mound he goes where it looks to the

left and just goes and blows right through a stop sign and the lady driving just goes oh and then get your little clipboard out and he was so mad at me he was so mad how's that your fault well because i don't know you distracted him this is your fault i'm sitting the back he's like yeah he's autistic we jumped a lawnmower on the dirt mound he's like where he's supposed to be used to distractions you were helping him be better in the back with fucking all the straps on me like one hand barely makes it up i'm like we jumped we jumped a lot more dirt mound Was he in that group that jumped? He was not there. Okay, so he didn't know what you were talking about.

No, I guess pointed, so he looked over at the mound to see what... We were jumping a lawn... Which, I mean, I would have looked too. Of course. Like, what the fuck did you just say? Yeah. You jumped a lawnmower on what dirt mound? Which is pretty sick when you're 14.

I love the driving instructor oh yeah oh and he's clipboard up he's just like like in the rear of your mirror just fucking staring at me making a final one turn into the parking lot he's a hundred percent killed it there was one turn there was one left turn left yeah and he used his blinker and he got up into the parking lot and fucked that one up for him but anyway he did fine and passed the test because you know that was just that was my driver's ed story so i was thinking about that when pepper keeps talking about driver's ed so what were your guys's first cars i don't know but it's funny you said one left turn left english language i know edited it left one left turn left right one left turn left right wrong

fuck what were you what was your first car uh my first car yeah it was a 1988 mazda 2200 pickup fuck that my uncle fixed up and gave to me i think that's cooler than mine uh zach i did 92 grand prix that's your first car yeah i saved up a lot of money. That's awesome. Yeah. Good for you. How long did it last? Until I killed it. It lasted about three, four years.

Yeah. But I really tried to hurt it. I bet you did. And I had to rebuild the engine. But my driver's ed story is real simple. I have big feet. And so they would just randomly say, hey, hit the brakes, just randomly. And for some reason, in this little car they had us driving my size 16s would hit both pedals and they did it like four times in a row and so it

would just surge and break and they were like you've never seen that before he's like what are you doing can you stop can you don't yeah so i don't think i passed that day that's so funny oh good stuff i don't have any i didn't do anything stupid but i do remember like i wish i would have had one of my well probably not i was gonna say when i had my friend in the back because it was someone i didn't know but i do remember i was 15 and a half because it was in the summertime before school when i started driver's ed and we show up on the first day and they're like all right um group whatever we're going driving and i was in it and i'm like we just started i just got here

what yeah because i hadn't driven in i sat on my dad's lap and like steered the truck and driven in the country and stuff but never on a road in traffic and i remember one time practicing with my mom we were going down this big double or triple hill and i'm coming down the hill and i see a car come up to a stop sign and i i like hit the brakes on the hill on the way down yeah just because i was like oh another car so like brain stop yeah it was like one of those brain like oh what's happening so there could have been a pile up because you're coming down this hill and i remember and i just remember like what am i what am i doing what the fuck because i was 15 are you kidding me 15 years old driving in traffic i know it's fucking I cannot imagine peppering a couple years, dude.

Teaching my daughter to drive was the scariest thing in my life. I don't just, don't even want to. Go ahead. Little white lines on the side of the road that's like, you're not supposed to pass this because it's beyond the shoulder. Yeah, that's where we just hung out the whole time. It was good times. We just hung out where the nails are.

Yeah, exactly. Hanging out with the nails. Wow. Yeah. Fuck. Uh-oh. Nope. Nothing. Lost it. Nope. out where the nails are yeah exactly hanging out with the nails wow yeah uh fuck well no no i lost it no well if you think of it yeah duck tail dude at 15 i cared more about watching duck tails oh no what i was gonna say was the the truck that i had the little little Mazda, when winter would roll around, it was a stick shift. So I'd pull up to a stop sign, and if I let off the throttle, it would just die. It was so cold.

So I'd have to work the throttle and the clutch to keep it running. So I'm at a stop sign just going, you know, it's like rocking back and forth. And as someone who was just learning how to drive, I remember I was like, this is a fucking nightmare. Cause yeah. Especially like if you're on a, if you're on a hill,

I remember thinking like if I ever up and end up in Seattle, I'm fucked. Cause some of those hills. Yeah. You're done. There's just so steep. And you're fucking no matter what car you have. And the problem was you could have a stick shift, and it's hard enough to do that.

But when it was like you had to keep the throttle going or else it was going to die. I'm like, what do you do? Cold and icy. And I'm sure the heater wasn't great. So you're all bundled up. Oh, yeah. You barely see out of your snowsuit. I remember my dad frigging dad I remember one of my

birthdays he upgraded the sound system. Nice. It wasn't like an amazing sound system but it was better than the one. It was so fucking cool. I had just gotten Kid Rocks I think it was 1998. Whatever that was.

Are you ready to hit some confessions? Sure Alright, well we'll do it as soon as Zach plays it Confessions Oh, sorry Confessions I was just going to say Do we want the kids to be out of the room for these?

Or the altar boys? They can stay in They've done plenty They've sinned too we all know that yeah yeah they're uh sinning right now you speak uh kicking things off with a medical confession these are always good said uh greetings to my two favorite numb nuts i'm not calling you daddy because i'm a couple years older than both you fuckers that's fair but scientists i but science is doing some weird shit. How do you know we're not your daddy just because you're older?

Yeah. Okay, so a couple years ago, I had to have my bladder scoped to check for some stuff. I would love if a doctor was talking to me like that. Comes in, he's like, hey, what's up, fucker? Yeah, we got some stuff we gotta see. Hey, what's up, fucker? We gotta scope your bladder. There's some stuff we gotta let's see hey we gotta what's up fucker we gotta scope your bladder so some stuff we gotta see like okay uh thanks dr mcsizzercutty um no no big deal for me because i've had a vasectomy previously which meant my junk being

displayed in a room full of people was old hat although this time was fewer people and much more embarrassing for two reasons both of which I do not blame on myself. Firstly, the nurse that prepped me was kind of a looker. Can I jump in really quick? Yeah. I had a vasectomy previously, which meant my junk being displayed in a room full of people was old hat. What does old hat mean? Oh, like you've already done it before.

Easy peasy. Yeah. Already been through this before. Okay. Because on the way here, on the freeway I'm driving here, and there was a van that said old hat ministry or something like that. Okay. And I'm like, what the fuck is that?

How old is his hat? Why is his hat so important? Yeah. But it was like a church van or something. It's old hat. It's already happened. That's weird because I'd never heard that phrase and then I hear it. Everywhere?

You're like, what? Yeah. How many old hats have I been missing? It is an old hat. Yeah, it is. weird that because i'd never heard that phrase and then i hear it everywhere it's like what yeah how many old hats have i been missing so it's an old hat yeah it is but he not that guy uh so it says firstly the nurse that prepped me was kind of a looker she was a real perky and friendly burnette with some sexy tattoos i didn't mind working on me the prepping involved scrubbing my manhood down with an iodine solution. Well, she did something I consider kind of mean. Since it was summertime, she cranked the AC in the room up to nearly frigid. And if you're a guy and you have been swimming, you know what I'm referring to. I did not feel like I was able to fully express myself.

Zach. That's a perfect two laugh. I don't think they'd be able to hear that in the show. I want to make sure we got that in. He's like, ha ha! It's like textbook. It was great. All that aside, the doctor arrived for the procedure, and the scope they use is a black

flexible camera that goes down your pee hole and looks like you could shoot bowling balls down it. So after a shot of lidocaine down my one eye, Bigim and the twins was ready to choke the thing down here's where the fun begins in order to scope the bladder effectively they must inject water to inflate it to see all sides an interesting feeling everything looked fine and he didn't see anything wrong so it's time to finish up so he pulls the camera out mind you that my bladder was filled to the brim with saline one thing he had neglected to tell me was to clench after they removed the camera scope this meant that because my bladder was so so full once the

thing was out i hosed everyone down the good-looking nurse the doctor myself and the tray of instruments got hosed like someone was holding a leaking water balloon i can picture it yep i stopped the flow only after the damage was done. The perky, good-looking nurse took it like a pro, turned her back to us and... She'd been used to golden showers. Yeah, and settled into... The doctor was like, Dr. Goldshower. The perky nurse, like a pro, turned her back to us and settled into gathering up all the instruments.

But I could tell she was doing her damnedest to keep her shit together. If I had not been mortified, I would have been died laughing too. My face must have been red as a tomato. The visit was over after a brief consult of what he saw, but it was hard to concentrate with him sitting there with a damp lab coat. And now that just happened swimming through my head, so have that fun. They better have gotten a good laugh out of that later because of the effort it must have taken to keep a straight face thanks for the laughs asshole as soon as you

leave the room they're just like they hear what we just heard from zach yeah like okay we'll see you we'll see you in six months okay and like the door latches you you walk out to go make your uh your next appointment with the people you see them laughing behind you. I can't believe he pissed all over me. Through the door. Okay, okay. And they're calming themselves. Okay, okay.

They walk out and they're perfectly professional again. I don't know. That would be embarrassing. Maybe I'm just... Called me old hat. Yeah, called me old hat. You start using it in weird places. It doesn't work.

Oh, dude. That soup was so old hat. That's not how that works. I still don't know what it... You explained it to me. I still don't... I'm sorry. The idea of like a really attractive looking nurse scrubbing down...

Your dingus? Yeah, I don't know about that. I mean, it really... As far as like medical procedures go did you ever get a boner when you were getting a physical though well no but it was a dude okay you've never had a girl give you a physical no zach you did sports no no boners no but i had the same doctor my whole life man yeah i've done boner during fucking doing physicals before. You've had a boner?

Yeah, I didn't mean to. I was like in whatever grade. It was eighth grade? What did the doctor do? I just ignored the kid with a boner. Somebody told me when I was a kid that if that happened, they'd smack it with a spoon. I don't know why. Yeah, that'll keep it down.

That stuck with me for a long time. If you keep playing with it, it's going to fall off. If you get a boner, they'll keep it down that stuck with me for a long time if you keep playing with it it's gonna fall off if you get a boner they'll shoot it how long was your procedure because i because i may be terrified of having it done but you pull your pants down they walk up and go and then it was over like what are they fiddling with your junk for me you sure it was a doctor joe yeah no what was this at i just had a friend's house bridge it was barb it was in a van it was barb down the street she gave me a haircut and a physical um it was at church it was at the confession place the church yeah everything i mean god damn your hormones are just pumping i get it but that's why i was worried about it got worked up and then i started thinking about it and it

happened when she was i was laying down and she was pushing like on my pelvic area like you got a feel for hernias oh yeah okay yeah and that was the thing that aroused me so then when it came to checking my balls the homie was already like he was there he was like hey what's up you got a girl to table for three yeah yeah and if i remember right she's kind of attractive but i also have no idea i remember so i did have a physical one time and it was with a woman but she didn't do the the junk thing she but she did do the the push on the pushing thing and i remember being like this is so uncomfortable there was no chance for arousal yeah but so with your huge dingus that's like did you hit the guy in the forehead or what happened yeah i guess that wasn't that big back then stabbed her right in the eye when did your fail my stop growing field failed my

physical it's still growing it's one of the last things to stop growing i think it grows your nose your ears and your wean grow forever i think what's that's bullshit mine's not shovel cock it might be shovel car you know you broke the the guy oh it's like a growth bone in there or something um okay maybe i yanked on it too many times. Could have been. All right, let's move on to the next confession. Let's not spend too much time talking about this. You want to handle this monster?

No, I'll give this one a try. Okay. Hey, daddies. Now see, now I'm all worked up. Whenever I take a plane for a trip, I have a bad habit of taking the life preserver on my flight home. I don't fly very often, but I've collected about a dozen over the last 20 years. Zach!

Bye! That's awesome. He just reaches under the seat. Look, what a weird addiction. Can you imagine if they didn't check for those and you happen to be on the plane like, okay, prepare for a water landing. Under your seat and you lift yours up and it's like okay prepare for a water landing uh under your seat and you lift yours up and it's fucking gone or it's because this guy took it for no reason or you're like oh we're gonna crash and you get up to getting sir you can't get in your background

oh i i put the life preserver in right no no i've got 13 or 14 in my carry-on well no i was thinking the one that's underneath she's like it's underneath your seat actually it's not it's in my it's in my suitcase what you're not gonna believe this you're not gonna believe this crazy story i'll tell you after we crash but my life i have a thing it's a whole thing i have to do listen we're gonna be out there for a while floating around i've got all the time in the world i'll tell you that right now i'm gonna need to get this overhead bed and get my fucking life reserve life reserve she's like okay fair enough like we could be out there for days right she's like yeah okay and then just a reminder real quick so the light automatically activates itself yeah okay i was worried about that like what's he doing with

all these what's he doing with the dozen that he's collected he's just got a room full of them like you know you mount like shit on the wall yeah he's on the wall of mounted uh aircraft light or life preservers like you license plates and all the places you've been it's just like delta airlines maui yeah it's like on my way to atlanta this is a deflated shitty life we gotta know more about this i don't know i want to hear more about this that's the one i was thinking of earlier that just killed me it's a bad habit i know it's like a and the way he set it up like it's something he'd take he's like oh i'm just a can't stop doing that it's something i just can't help it's just why i don't fly very often i guess you know i steal one before you know it i got a bathtub full of them i started taking trips just to steal the

fucking life preserver and i was going bankrupt hey me hey me it's me again that's what he says he's lifting up the fucking cushion hey me it's me again sick to himself the person next was like what the fuck as they slowly watch you pocket a life preserver like how do you just sneak that thing out and okay so that's if you had a bad habit of stealing oxygen masks it's like one second yeah just yank it out all the tubes shut it shut it back up like sorry it's a bad habit sorry it's just a bad habit because i visualize you know like when you go to you go to a restaurant and let's say you you're looking at a menu and you take it or whatever or you're on an airplane you steal the magazine from the thing

as weird as that is i still kind of get it because it's in it's visually it's in front of you right but you have to like and it's not like every flight you had to use light preserver and you like oh you didn't return it or something like Make sure when you're done with that, you put it back in the pile and you're like, oops, I forgot it. You have to reach under there and fucking steal it and put it, hide it. You're getting on the plane. They know you now. Yeah. You're sneaking out and they're all just, the pilot comes out of the cockpit and just eyeballs you.

Does this number? Yeah. A little like the eyes on you thing and you're like, shit. What am I going to do? I'm going to steal my neighbors. my neighbors i'm gonna steal more now i love the thrill of it does he does he take it out and like put it under his shirt and go in the bathroom and like put it underneath the shirt he's pulling he's at home fucking inflating yeah yeah he's jerking and then right before he comes he has to self-inflate it's like fuck that would be funny if he like if he wore it underneath shirts or whatever

like how bulky that guy is and it's just a airplane life preserver is that dude ripped? you hit in the gym? pull it underneath your shirt? what do you think? what do you think of me? okay let's move on to the next confession arms are tiny

chest and abs oh yeah I guess it just goes over your shoulder is that a deltoid? Okay let's move on To the next confession Arms are tiny Good chest And pecs And fucking Abs Whatever these are Oh yeah I guess It just goes over your shoulder Is that a deltoid? Sure

We can call it a deltoid I think that's a good Good name for it Delta Oid Oh you're playing stuff Alright so our next confession It says

Sup dweebs Sup Colin I have a confession to make When I was a senior In high school My girlfriend at the time Sup dweebs Sup dweebs

Had a 13 yearyear-old. What's up, fucking worms? That's one of my favorites. You call people worms. What's up, you fucking worm? My girlfriend at the time had a 13-year-old little brother. Oh. One time I was, shall we say, visiting late at night without her parents knowing.

We had some fun, and after we were done, I went to take a dump. That's what one does. What's up, dweebs? Late at night, without her parents knowing. We had some fun, and after we were done, I went to take a dump. As one does. Sub dweebs. That's like something he'd say to me walking by after he fucked my sister. Like on the way to take a dump. Sub dweebs, just fucked your sister. Left a shit in the toilet. Rustle your hair and shove your head into the door frame.

Sub dweeb, just fucked your sister. I'm going to take a shit. Rub your hand on their face yeah it smells like your sister's fucking pussy dude i'm gonna take a shit get lost get a clue you fucking worm it's the scene like a senior in high school or like rom-com totally is yeah you fucking so much pussy it's your sister yeah how's your sister's pussy taste loser dweeb all right so anyway uh way to take it down the way the bathroom was the toilet was behind a wall from the rest of the room and the shower was on the other side of that said wall so i was sitting there and far too late i realized i didn't

lock the door i hear it open and immediately I hold my breath. And as I'm sitting there, and I know the layout of this bathroom. I've seen this before. It's like a weird divider wall between everything so you can kind of hide back there. Oh, okay. As I'm sitting there not moving because I had a belt that would jangle at the slightest shift hanging around my ankles

someone gets into the shower and turns it on. It goes pretty normal for a minute or two. I finally breathe a little bit and I keep waiting for them to clean up and leave well next thing i know i hear someone beaten off in the shower and i know and i know who it is little brother of my girlfriend what awkward and weird but at least i know i can kick his ass and get out of there if i need to fucking fucking pussy how's this pussy smell you fucking pussy um

if I need to smell like my ass then he starts moaning my girlfriend's name fucker was jerking off the thoughts of his sister oh no

who has admittedly super hot way out of my league I'm sitting there five feet away from him as he's doing this pants feet both holding a laugh

and a fart I love the pants feet's doing this pants feet both holding in a laugh and a fart i love the pants feet pants feet pants feet uh holding in a laugh and fart when the water turns off and i hear him driving our dry driving off he's only 13 he goes in an rv i forgot to mention we're in an rv and I hear him drying off. Now you're stuck in the RV with your pants down around your ankles. Pants, feet. I'm sitting there waiting for him to leave when he turns the corner

wrapped in a towel and is looking directly at me, horrified. We both shush each other and he goes, have you been here the whole time? Me, being a genius at thinking quickly, I offer him a deal. I won't tell his sister

that he gets off to her and he won't tell his sister that he gets off to her and he doesn't tell his parents that i got off on her pretty good deal well he accepted as far as i know never broke the agreement neither did i spent a few years since then and i ran into him at the store recently we both had a laugh about it like old buddies and went our separate ways the end fucking dweeb remember when you were jerking off your sister how's she doing remember when you were jerking off to your sister? How's she doing? Remember when you were jerking off to your sister after I fucked her, dude? I fucked her, dude, and then shoved your head into the wall?

And now I'm taking a shit while you're jerking off to your sister? Old hat. That old chestnut. Yeah. Just fucking with you. Enjoy your lasagna, dweeb. Hope that tortellina fucking rocks. Just fucking flips his plate over.

In the store? Pushes his shopping cart over? Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Like pushes him into like the nails or something. At the Home Depot. Oh, he goes, Have a good laugh. Oh man, it's so funny.

He goes, Anyway. And just fucking shoves him into the plywood. See you later, fucking nerd all right let's get on to the next confession we have too many good ones here all right you got this one my pants are falling down pants feet i have two confessions for you okay this is a big one so the first one is a little embarrassing, but I've been over it for a long time. Okay. 42 years old, and I still sleep with a teddy bear. Aw. Not sexually, at least not anymore.

Hey. Teddy Ruxpin. Yeah. My parents gave it to me when I was one years old. Okay, fine. The second one took place about 15 years ago. Wait, so that was the confession. Sorry, that was the first confession.

Oh, okay. That he still sleeps with a teddy bear. Oh, okay. okay yeah i i mean that's fine with me yeah whatever makes you happy maybe whatever gets you to sleep yeah whatever gets you to sleep at night i usually say that in a weird way but this one's supporting yeah whatever helps you sleep at night but in this way you're like i'm not fine whatever helps you sleep the same phrase that means two way completely different things. Okay. The second one took place about 15 years ago when I was working in the graveyard shift

and not sleeping well for almost two years. This made me incredibly cranky, borderline crazy-ish. I get that. I lived in a small town. A small apartment. Small town. I was born in a small town. Never left the small town i was born in a small town never left the small town i live in a small

apartment complex which had four units and off street assigned parking one day i woke up on my day off about 9 30 p.m time of the morning let's see if celebrity family foods on oh shit good morning i wonder if nick at night's on nick at night mr red oh god i hope i love lucy's tonight I bet it was a beautiful sunset. Missed another one. Ryan's going to die. Oh, shit. Ow, my cheeks.

Okay. Oh, I am so sweaty right now. All right. The next line is... Don't make me do anything. ...decide to go get some breakfast at KFC. How's the fucking bucket of chicken? Dude, everybody.

Oh, God. I'm so hot. Oh, God. You guys just started puking. Okay. Okay. We gotta... We can make it through Just had to get some breakfast at KFC

Yes one does Because that's how I roll He says Bless you That was a cough I know bless you Fuck I'm so sweaty That's okay

I come back 20 minutes later And there's a very large pickup truck parked in my spot. At first, I thought a friend from LA who came on and announced, what? Unannounced. Came on unannounced to show off his new truck. Okay. Which he would do sometimes, so that made sense. How many fucking new trucks does he get and just show up? Look what I got this week yeah i got a couple of those people in my life that every time i see them

every few months they have a new vehicle no idea how they are alive how are you affording this please stop your family misses you your family misses you oh my god so i park behind the truck and go to my apartment but my friend isn't. So I call my buddy just to make sure. Dude, I see your truck outside. Is that sick, dude? Fucking sick, dude. He confirms that, no, it's not him. He's up in LA working.

Okay. So I hang up and immediately lose my shit due to lack of sleep, and I don't want any irrational, I do what any irrational sleep-deprived maniac would do. I went to my room, grabbed my megaphone and my pocket knife. What the fuck is going on? I went out to the red truck and yelled into the megaphone. Whoever is parked in an unassigned spot needs to move now. With an exclamation point.

I did this loud enough and long enough, about 15 minutes for somebody a block down the street to come up and tell me to shut the fuck up. And that just pushed me over the edge, unfortunately. I asked him if it was his truck, and he said no, and to shut up. I then proceeded to slash all four tires of the truck parked in my spot. Good God. Yikes. I take my vehicle and found a parking lot about a spot about two blocks away from my home and went inside to eat my kfc smoke pot and play video games you know the normal

stuff you do after you lose your mind normal things you do when you wake up because a couple hundred dollars in property damage but i tell you what it worked that truck was gone when i left the house the next day and never parked in my spot again also i didn't park in my spot again until i moved because later when i was thinking more clearly i realized that the owner of the truck might take revenge on the car that was parked in the spot next time he went by yeah yeah i spent the next couple of weeks wondering when the cops would show up but they never did and apparently i got away with it scott free the lesson of the story is don't park in unsigned parking spots that aren't yours and also don't slash the tires of people park in your spot otherwise you have to go park two blocks down the street until you move just want to let you know i have regular hours now uh job now and i'm

no longer that crazy most of the time thanks again for putting on a great show and keeping me entertained you guys make me laugh all the time well you guys made or you just made us laugh yeah you made us die and i i can see that neighbor too you know because he's he's you know it's probably what 10 10 p.m uh and he's just like whoever's parked in the spot and he's like god damn it you put your slippers on and just walk you know kind of cold yeah walking down there with your robe on unsure what's going on you approach him like in the street light you're like hey let me shut the fuck up please is that your car no shut the fuck up and then waddle back to your car i can see a perfect little scene oh man what's funny about

that too is i think i was laughing so hard because I used to work three to midnight. Yeah. And so my days were way off to what other people were used to. And so the waking up at 9.30 p.m. was so funny to me because it's like, yeah, you're starting your day when everyone else is going to bed. So his, the rational is like, fucking part everyone else is like they've been through the day i gotta wake up in five hours they've been through the day going to sleep and he's just getting his day started yeah oh it's so fucking funny it's so good uh okay on to our next confession it says i met my wife while i was on a date with another chick that's fun fast

forward to our first few weeks of dating. We go out drinking, and of course, the fucking bars had to close. So we ended up meeting up with my best friend of 20-ish years and this girl that he was dating or fucking. I couldn't keep track of his shit.

And he's drinking at her parents' house, and they had a bar in the garage. So it's just the four of us, and we're all pretty fucking hammered at this point. My girlfriend got a call that her dad wasn't doing great and was in the hospital.

So she ended up leaving to go see him. Keep in mind, we have only been seeing each other for a few weeks. That's why I didn't go. Now it's just us three and everyone is damn near ready to pass out. My buddy and his girlfriend go inside and I stay up to finish a few more drinks.

Go ahead. I'm going to finish up this conversation. Just you sitting by yourself in the garage. No, I'll wrap this up. All right, buddy. Good luck. I tried to call my girlfriend to see if she was coming back to get me, but she didn't answer any of my calls. So I decided to go in the house and lay down and wait for her.

As soon as I walk in, all I can see is my buddy going to town with this girl. I'm like, my bad. Oh, my bad, dude. I'm going to go back and hang out with Bush. So I go, my bad. And I turn to go back to the bar in the garage. My buddy says, want to join? I'm fucking beyond wasted at this point.

And of course, my dumb brain shuts off. My dick takes control. So now I'm banging this chick. My buddy is watching. All I can remember is him urging me on. Afterwards, I come back to reality and realize how much of a piece of shit i am my phone rings and my girlfriend says she's almost there has been trying to get a hold of me for a while she's ready to go home i get outside and she pulls up i stumble to the car

get inside and she's crying i figured fuck she knew well it turns out that her dad just passed away so now i'm feeling more like a piece of shit. Today, we are married, and I still don't feel comfortable about that shit. I've got to be the worst boyfriend, husband ever. I can't bear to tell her what I did to this day. That was definitely my lowest point. Probably the drugs that my mom was doing when she had me. Thanks, guys.

Hopefully she never hears this. And keep the shit show rolling. You're a loyal listener, and fuck up. a that's a lot taking a risk yeah man if she ever hears that's pretty specific what was his name his name was yeah his name was yeah yeah i mean it's too and i and i will throw this into his court i'll give him a bone on this one. I mean, if it's within the first couple weeks, I mean, still super shitty, obviously. But I mean, if it's going to be anywhere, right out the gate seems like a place to have that happen. And then, you know, then you got to button it up. You know what I mean?

It's just, I mean, it was the idea that... Take life advice from me. One of her worst days of her life you get in you're just like that sucks about that guess what i just did she's like oh my god that's terrible i got some good news though i just haven't fucked my buddy's friend he's like good job yeah he's complimenting me on how good i was he said i did a really good job i did a really good job she's just staring at you and you're just so drunk so that's that looks good for you because you he's really good at sex and he said that i did a good job

plowing his girlfriend so when we get home i'll make you forget all about your dad you're gonna forget all about it all right we got one more confession before we move on uh and it's a short you want to grab this one i got it okay okay guys i have plenty of confessions but i'll tell you one thing i've never told anyone okay i smell my own panties every time i go to the bathroom or change i know it sounds gross but i like my scent and finding it find it comforting also it changes sometimes so it's a curiosity thing enjoy this juicy pun intended gossip and keep making me laugh interesting i mean you'd be you'd be lying everybody if you didn't do a little scratch and then sniff oh yeah yeah you see it like it's usually like especially with sweaty balls dude if i have an itch or something i'll go like

like itch and i'll go you'll sniff yeah that's so i know what what is that i sniff things though when you're a sniffer yeah Yeah. Because we're animals. That's why. Animals do that too. Like even if I, you're like, I wonder what's going on down there. Like I always like one little like, just to see what's going on. Yeah. Make sure it's, and then what if it, like what do you, but what do you do differently

if you don't sniff it? That's what's always been the mystery to me. Where you're like, oh, or you're like, you still do nothing and carry on yeah like you ever you never like have a plan for like well that's fucking terrible here i got abc to do now now what do i do you're just like because that sucks there is a washing your balls yeah well you need like a little bird bath but if i'm picking my nose or something and get it and be like you smell those nose sometimes like you're already smelling it it's in there no it smells different once it gets oxidized

yeah so then you're like yeah then you roll it up and flick it or throw it a poster or like you you get your ear and then i don't know that's no no sniffy there yeah zach you sniffing earwax and boogers no i have never done that but ball stuff for sure everyone does that yeah i'm gonna sniff my earwax and boogers when i get home there's something i'm not like let's take earwax sometimes it's like a oh what is what am i oh you ever do that you're like oh my god that's enough like so weird you have like some ginger that you like like cleanse your palate cleanse it that's a hint of nuts you get it that was a good one come on um yeah i'm a sniffer yeah i bet you there's a lot of

people i don't think you're alone but not like a sex not like a sexual like um so i don't find it comforting i don't enjoy my scent curiosity thing i guess maybe i can't explain why people do it i like the fart thing like if i smell your own fart oh yeah what it's my favorite brand i want to know what's going on like Because it's always changing. Sometimes if I drink a lot of coffee, there's like a hint of coffee in there. What? Yeah. Coffee butt?

Mm-hmm. Do you ever put your significant other's head under the blanket after you fart? Just give me a little love. No, when I don't do that, I just like, I'll- I already have no chance at sex. I squeak it out, and then I let it creep up through the covers. And you just do this number. We have your,

your eyes peeking over at her. Sometimes what I'll do is like, what I do is I'll fart because it's so, it's like, it's one thing to like do it and trap. It's like, so what I like to do is like fart and then be like, Oh,

and like act like I'm rolling over and like, and like flip the cover to send it over and waft it over to her. Yeah. Like a like a fucking dirty sailboat yeah but i don't like i don't smell like other people's farts you smell and i'm like oh that's other people's ass but yeah like my own farts i'm like oh it's kirkland i'm looking for that name yeah with that sam's club uh but i don't think you're a dr thunder i want dr pepper yeah mr piv get the fuck out of here. That's good, though.

I don't think you're alone in sniffing your panties. I guess don't do it. But if you're a girl up there sniffing panties, let's poll the audience. Hey, guys! At CandyDomePodcast.com Alright, I've got some good news. Do you like your significant others smell? I don't smell panties. I'm not a panty smeller. I've never been. Even if I see some panties laying around,

I'm not picking up and smelling them. No, I'm not a panty smeller either. But never been. Even if I see some panties laying around, I'm not picking up and smelling them. No, I'm not a panty smeller either. But you do all the other things, but don't sniff your wife's panties? No. I don't mean like sneaking away like a little... Like the hamburger? Oh, yeah. Hey, me.

Hey, me. It's me again. Okay, honey. I'll be right back. Do-do-do-do. Eat. Squeak. Squeak. Hey me, hey me, it's me again. Okay, honey, I'll be right back. I mean, I have, but it's not like, I don't see panties. I'm like, oh, give me those pants. But it's never like, whenever I do, it's not like, get up in there and smell it. It's kind of like a curious, like, what is that?

Yeah. It's like a little Robert De Niro. Hey, shoes. Hey, shoes. Like, yeah, this could use a little more lemon. Yeah. All right, let's move on to some good news. It's a curious.

Oh, okay. It's a curious George, but a curious Brian. I get it. Actually, I smell an earwax. Never done that one. I like that about you. Like, if you get a Q-tip, I don't do it because i don't q-tip they say you shouldn't do it but you know like no never done it that's wild even though i know

what's gonna smell like i'll try yeah it's not something i'm like i think about it's just like a reaction it's like get out of the shower yeah i know my earwax yeah it's not a it's not a thing that's like oh i can't wait to do it it's just like a curious like i'm wondering what that's and i'm like no yeah that's probably that's kind of what i that's about, oh, I can't wait to do it. It's just like a curious, like, I don't know what that's going to be like. And then I'm like, oh, yeah, that's probably what I was going to do. That's about what I expected. Yep, same as last time. And then move on. Not nearly as fun as farts.

Can't wait till I get home. I know. I'll sniff my earwax. The thing about farts is they're always different. I know. So it's like, it's a little nice surprise of what you're going to get. You don't know. You never know what you're going to get.

It's like a box of chocolates. Yeah, it's a box of fart pants. It's a box of fartlets. All right, I have some good know. You never know what you're going to get. It's like a box of chocolates. Yeah, it's a box of fart pants. It's a fart-lets. All right, I have some good news. Okay. All right, let's roll it! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed.

Yeah! And this is kind of twofold. One, did you know you could even rent DVDs still? Like from an online service? No, that's how we got started on Netflix, though. I remember that. That's what this is all about. DVD.com is apparently still owned by Netflix.

You could go there and you could rent DVDs and they'd send you in the famous red envelope, right? Then they just announced something that I think is pretty cool, which I would not expect from Netflix. Oh, wow. But here you go.

So a little background. So Netflix was originally a mail-order DVD rental service. All you young ones out there that had no idea it wasn't just streaming. They kind of changed everything. And that business still exists, at least for a few more weeks. Back in April, the streaming giant announced that it'd be shutting down DVDcom on september 29th of this year after 25 years of mailing discs in red envelopes but what subscribers uh but what subscribers remain have just received some happy news we've decided to wind down dvd.com later this year our goal has always been to provide

the best service for our members but as the business continues to shrink that's going to become increasingly difficult but those discs consumers will get to keep them for free. That's crazy. I know. I just didn't expect Netflix to be like, if you don't give them back, we're fucking coming for you. Someone's going to show up at your door. Like, you share a password? You share a password?

Are you sharing a password? I can't believe they made it through all that shit. Like, they're doing everything that watchers and users of their service don't want them to do and they're just like and and they still are everybody stayed i mean you can't you can't do that forever but like i get the cracking down it's exactly and it's kind of like i mean i've had this conversation it's gonna be a little bit of a of a ramp but not too bad like working in the audio field and the graphic design you have adobe right and then in the audio field you have avid who makes pro tools and shit and they are so strict like it especially pro tools it's fucking terrible everything has to be connected all the

time uh before you could do online keys you had have a physical usb i lock thing with the password plugged in if you didn't fucking have it you couldn't use the program and not only could you not use the program you couldn't use any of the programs like the plugins inside the program because not all those keys were saved on your stupid fucking hard drive so if you ever lost that thing you lost everything and it's a tiny little hard drive so you have to carry it around everywhere with you because you're not just mixing in one spot and then you could only have it on like one computer then you had to buy it to have it all your shit on one of your own computers in a different room and i used to be like as you can tell it's so fucking annoying really but then on the other side of that if you are the software company and you put all these

millions and millions and you're one of the companies that makes the plugins whatever you're using for your audio stuff to to alter that or guitar or tune or EQ, whatever it is. Like if you just let it go, you're never making money off of it ever. Like that's, you have to do that in order to, to make money. So I get that. It just seems like, I don't know why it seems like a little bit of a different beast when it comes to streaming. It probably shouldn't. I mean, movies have to put in all this money and work. So just allowing anybody to have it and watch it when there's no ads on it so i mean i i get that but i don't know it just seems like it's it seems like it's it wouldn't have worked in their favor but i guess it did yeah i i've always been kind of like uh and i'm not like

a um people get mad about the crackdown i'm always like i mean come on like it's 15 bucks a month or whatever like to get a lot of content because i as a creator when someone just like hijacks your shit or like if you make if you're a band or an artist and you make this music you put all this time into it and people are just downloading it for free yeah and and then when you get upset people get mad at you yeah you're like dude this is how i make a living why why why am i the asshole now because i think i deserve compensation for something i created and that's definitely a battle in this buy my song for a dollar i know it took all this time to do it and money to spend to get it mixed and mastered and recorded and all this.

And you can't spend 99 cents, but you're going to go wait in line for 30 minutes for an $8 coffee and you can't give me 99 cents. For the hundreds and hundreds of hours I put into writing this. And I'm not even going to get the full compensation for it. Mm-hmm. You know, like, I'm going to get 69 cents of it or whatever. Right. Just give me the fucking 70 cents for my effort.

Just do it. I know. But it's... It really is cheap for what you get. I'm sorry. Like, paying $60 for a video game? Here we go. Yeah.

Like, when you think about it, it's expensive. But when you think about all... Mm-hmm. I could go spend 60 on dinner oh and then i'm gonna shit it out tomorrow i buy a video game for 60 bucks i have i could i have hours and hours and hours unless you eat it unless you eat the case and the dvd or whatever then you'll show that out tomorrow yeah but you're still the game still on your and it's console and cheaper than the dinner so i mean there's that i mean the video game like assassin's creed you go and spend 50 bucks 60 bucks for it and you can put a hundred hours think of anything else in the world that you could put a hundred hours of enjoyment into nothing and what that would cost i know know. A vacation or whatever.

Come on. I don't know. Hot air balloon rides. Yeah. That's so many hot air balloon rides. I think what people don't think about is all the people that work on something, they have to be paid too. Yeah. It's not like it magically came down from the game heavens and you're like, I've spent $60.

All these people have jobs. You're paying for all this shit i mean what's the uh the budget for the upcoming grand theft auto is in the billions like they know how much money i know you know how much money they're gonna make back because that's it always does it's always the best game that's ever been made that's just how rockstar does any anticipation um so that i mean think about all of that. It's billions going in. You're like, fucking 60 bucks? Yeah.

That shit sucks. I don't like that fucking wall didn't even load. Dumb. All right, we got to move on to something that I've... Actually, I didn't find it. I knew this was out there, but Michael brought it to my attention, and I think that we should go. Okay. All right, let's do it, Zach!

The internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome real quick just want to say something because we were talking about before the show zach has his scat cast stuff he he's a he creates all sorts of cool shit for all the shows he has and he spends hours and hours and hours and hours on these fun little things and that and people buy from him and it's like as someone like him i know how much he appreciates it appreciates someone buying something that he made because of all the time and effort that he put

into it and it makes it worthwhile if someone buys that thing and you know that you cared enough to purchase something from somebody who worked so hard on something. Oh, absolutely. And from a guy, like I know, the guy works tirelessly on shit for

people's enjoyment. And so someone willing to go out there and buy that, it's a, I don't know, there's that give and take. Like the person gets something cool in return, Zach gets compensated in return for the effort of making it for that person. That's how the transaction should be. No, absolutely. And allows Zach to keep doing and making awesome things that the community's enjoying. That's one of the best Skycast commercials

I've ever heard. Thank you. Of course. Skycast.com. Skycast.com. With a K. You got it. Support your creators.

Just fucking do it, please. Give me your 70 cents. So I'm going to want you guys to seriously consider going to this event. This was sent in by our son, Michael. I've seen it floating around.

Maybe you guys have too. But every 4th of July in alaska so i think it's an hour and a half just outside of anchorage so it's going to be an airport we could fly to you guys they have the alaska car launch okay mess now they just they find a way to pin down the throttle of the you know the gas pedal of the vehicles oh there's not somebody in it? No. Fucking pussies. And they have a track that makes sure it goes straight. And then they throw these things down off a 3,000-foot cliff in front of a crowd of thousands. 300 in front of a cloud.

3,000 feet in front of a cloud. Are you fucking kidding me? So I'm just going to find a couple examples. You've got to look this stuff up. Okay, so they've got a couple of the jumps. Let see when they they got a bunch of cars here these things go flying this is the man that's the reason this whole event happened okay so they're setting it up one second what i thought he would look like all right come on national anthem Oh shit.

Isn't that ridiculous? And listen to the crowd. Look at all the people. I know. Oh dude, that looks like so much fun. We gotta start this in Idaho. I know, listen to that crowd. And just hears it. Somebody built that car with love.

Yeah. Okay. So anyway, you can look up Alaskan Car Jump. That's fucking awesome. For yourself. You can go check that out. When is that? July?

Yeah. It's on July 4th. Oh, right. We'll have the day off. Next year. Fucking let's do it. Let's do a can you don't let's do it let's do a can you don't yeah do a can you don't can you don't version i'll just say at least start with a like a meetup in anchorage fuck it let's find for anybody that wants to i'm gonna say start with a car yeah let's start there see now if you didn't die from being you could like imagine if you were

actually driving that car you know how much of hero. And then you just shoot yourself out through the windshield with a cape on. Yeah. Or you fall out and it crashes. You stand out and you get in a cannon and they shoot you back up the cliff. Back up the top. And you get in the next car. How amazing would that be if you jump and tumble and all that and then you get out of the car and you put your arms up. The crowd, they would be going they were going nuts for

not a person not driving a car they're going fucking crazy and then you just walk over with your cape and your star helmet on and do an interview climb into a cannon shoot back up and there's an interview going on doing an interview while you're flying up the cliffside here i am in the belly of the beast i'm about to get inside the car all right let's read an email not sure if we'll have time for both but uh let's get into hey guys all right zacky poo all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool yeah i think we have time for both. This first email is coming in from our son, Christopher. Christopher.

Says, hey, daddies. Daddies. Listening to the newest episode, you guys were talking about Dyson making headphones, and we're a little confused. Remember that one? Yep. Said, well, just so you know, General Electric, the maker of toasters, washers, and dryers, refrigerators, you know it, is also the creator of the GAU-8 gun

that's mounted onto the 10 Warthog. That's right. K-10 Warthog. K-10, well, yeah. A-10 Warthog, that's right.

The same people that make a washer and dryer to restore clothes also make a weapon to make stuff disappear. Huge fan of the show. Fuck you guys.

I love that. Makes things disappear. They also make nuclear weapons too, right? Yeah, and I had a link, I mean, it's the classic sound fuck you guys a little bit makes things disappear yeah also make nuclear weapons too right yeah and i had a link i mean it's the it's the classic sound that you hear whenever you hear like a fast gun just like that like like it's so fast and scary and they have videos of it and then yeah general electric back in what the 40s and then uh they still use it i want to i want to

say it was the 40s because I think it was for World War. No, it was for the Cold War. So I think late 60s. They made it to try and compete with Russia, and they still use that gun today. They have a new version of the Warhawk, and they just mount it right in front. They don't make them like they used to.

They don't make them disappear like they used to. They have a different name for the ga you eight gun but um like also like naval ships use it with like radar tracking technology to shoot down like drones and shit and missiles that are going like mock four and this gun just cat calibrates it perfectly and shoots it from like two kilometers away is that one of those seen the video of like an airplane flying and it's just going oh yeah it's spraying bullets that's the it's the exact one you're thinking of it's trying to like it's it's works by itself the tracers yeah yeah yeah and you just see the the bullets going and you watch videos of the damage it does it is so insane and i can imagine how expensive that must be to for a little bit of fun it It was like a thousand. Yeah, each bullet's going out.

It's just like, ding, ding, ding, ding. Fucking a million dollars for one, like, 30 seconds of fun. Yeah. All right, you want to read the next one? Sure. Okay. All right. The second one's coming in from our fair ride loving daughter, Alicia.

Okay. Hey, daddies. Hey. I was just listening to your last episode where you were talking about every fairground having a graveyard. I forgot about that. Well, mine does. Okay.

Oh, God. A close friend of mine's granny had a house that had been passed down through generations about three miles from our house, where they eventually put the fairgrounds of our county, which technically included her property. Well, as you can guess guess back in the day they would just bury their loved ones out back in their own little cemetery which is still there throw up a cross imagine yeah you're on the tilt-a-whirl and you're just like right next to here lies odin yeah whatever here lies cletus cletus mcfarmer. Cletus McCattleherder. Rest in peace.

And you're just like, fuck. Every spin, you're like, this is kind of weird. If I fly off, I'm going to hit Cletus. I'm going to end up with Cletus. End up with Cletus. Okay. Where was I? Well, as you can guess, back in the day, it was just barrier-level and lower temperatures.

Second paragraph. Fun fact, last time I went there, the fair, I rode a ride where I was absolutely sure I was going to fall to my death. It was one of those rides with just one big arm and each end had four seats and two sets of two-back. We get on there and they strap us in, in quotations. Strap us in. Well, these damn levers they pulled over our heads had no security straps at all. So if the damn thing released, you're just flying through the air like a damn used chicken bone.

And of course, when they stopped the ride, we got stuck up on top. And let me tell you, they took their sweet ass time getting those bottom people off. They always do. My knees were shaking and I couldn't feel my hands

by the time I finally got off. Needless to say, I haven't rode a single fair ride since and I couldn't feel my hands by the time I finally got off. Needless to say, I haven't rode a single fair ride since. I feel like everyone's got a similar. Someone's got a fair ride story. Anyways, love you guys. Keep me going through the tough weeks. Keep up the awesomeness.

Your terrified daughter, Alicia L. Kentucky. Kentucky. Kentucky. Kentucky, buddy. I'm glad you survived. I mean, I love knowing at least out there somewhere there's a fairgrounds that has a graveyard. That is just music to my ears.

Cletus T. McFarmerpants. Cletus McCattleherder. Cletus McCattleprod. Cletus McDietofColera. McDiarya. McDiarya Death. Thanks everybody. Episode 65.

That's it. It's in the books. Man, I laughed so hard I got a little ripe. Yeah. Over here. I can smell my... Well, yeah, and I enjoy it. Yeah, you do. You're ever sniffing my panties.

Yeah. You got earwax I can sniff after the show? The ear pieces. Oh, yeah. I dug some earwax out earlier. You could have them. Remember... Not other people's.

That's gross. That'd be ridiculous. That's crazy talk. As of recording right now, we have over 25 hours of bonus content. Support us on Patreon to get access to that content,

plus everything that we do after every show. You can hear it no matter what tier you pick. There's three of them there. Head to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast. Got a link in the episode

description as well. And then just like Brian was saying about uncle zach tons of great stuff happening at scat cast head on over there check out all the hard work all the shows he does just added a new music show in there i i did a little fun thing with him on that last week right zacky poo yeah it was awesome thank you what are you doing what's give me the music thing a little better it's unsigned bands yeah we're trying to be a filter for the millions of artists out there give our audience what we think are really great artists

from different genres gotcha every every saturday okay yeah all unsigned so send us to info at scatcast.com if you got an unsigned band that you want us to play okay perfect but not your shitty local band that you're in okay if it's recorded on a potato we don't want it if we could tell use the microwave for the vocals don't send it in most of my music sounds like that though so anyway it's on purpose though yeah style scatcast.com that's scat with a k so don't fuck that up thanks to the babysitters who run the can you don't playground on the facebook page um send stuff in next week we are doing a lap time with uncle zach again looking forward to that yay and you can send in content for that segment

or any other segment to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com and review the show wherever. All right, going to wrap things up with a dad joke. You ready to hear it?

Let's fucking do it, dude. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Sent in by our daughter, Casey. Here we go. I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday he said it's the most violent book he's ever read wait what okay i bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday he said it's the most

violent book he's ever read got it you get it yep Shreddy McShreddersons? Yeah. Like the scariest thing to read in braille is do not touch? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right. You're like, ooh, shit. Oops. Oopsies. What's this?

Do not. Yeet. And you just retract the fingers. You're like, fuck. Or wet paint. You're like, oh, damn it. Wet paint. Do not touch.

Bloody. Fuck me. All right. For the gaggle. We'll keep going, kids. We'll see you guys next week. Bye not touch. Bloody. Fuck me. All right, for the gaggle. We'll keep going, kids. We'll see you guys next week. Bye. Bye.