Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Litter Box. Computer Lab. Freezer. Minivan.

Episode Date: July 13, 2022

Well, the bummer news from last week's show gets a lot heavier... but just like last week, it quickly becomes a shit show because laughing always helps during tough times! Let's talk about that, having litter boxes in schools, accidentally buying your old roller skates from decades ago, looking up porn in the computer lab, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/yl5CpT07vFQSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Litterbox, computer lab, freezer, minivan. That's... Siete! Ocho! Nueve diez? Is that how it goes? Hold on, that high school Spanish class? Let me check Duolingo real quick. Oh, check Duolingo. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco, seis, siete, ocho... Seven, episode seven. Yeah, no, you got seven.

Seven wasn't the issue, Brian. Oh. It was ocho... Nueve. Nueve diez. Diez. Okay. Once, doce, Nueve. Nueve diez. Diez. Okay. Once, doce, trece, catorce.

Si? Are we just gonna... Let's just do the whole show in Spanish. The whole thing is us looking up, like trying to speak or trying to count to a hundred. We should speak different. You should speak like German. I should speak Spanish. And we try to communicate with each other with different languages. The first one to reach a hundred wins.

Episode seven. Okay. The prize is... I can count to a hundred different languages. The first one to reach 100 wins. Episode 7. Okay. The prize is... I can count to 100 in Spanish. The prize is worst episode ever. Which is not great. The prize is terrible listening enjoyment for a listener. What's your name?

Brian. Brian. Are you going to let me say it this time? What's your name? And I'm Joe Paisley. Cool. Having fun. How are you today?

No, I'm good. I'm just, I'm fucking pumped, dude. Like we launched the Patreon and the amount of you honkers. Honkeys? Okay. Stop. I guess you can say that. Can we not say that?

No, we have the right to say honkeys. Yeah, we can say honkeys say honkies yeah we can say honkies honkies honkas you just don't put the er at the end no so you don't say honkers you say honkas like a like a fucking toy garbage truck with tonka yeah honka truck i had so many of those you guys that have jumped over there and supported us, at the time that we're writing this, we're like at 100, and it just launched in the last 24 hours, and that is fucking amazing. The gaggle is just expanding.

I know. Can you imagine fighting 100 geese? Yeah. On a lake? Dude, yeah. See, the thing about geese is they can go on land and in the water, so they're a versatile animal. And up.

Yeah, and they can fly. I don't want to fuck with that. These are 4D animals. Yeah. They might be the most dangerous animal in the world. They'll travel dimensions. Yeah. Come back in fucking fourth dimension.

Bite your butt or bite your butthole. They'll go through a wormhole. Bite your bite hole. Bite your bite hole. They'll go through a wormhole, bite your butt, jump back in the wormhole, and bite my butt. And then eat your bread. Yeah. So thank you guys so much for signing up. hole bite your butt jump back in the wormhole and bite my butt and then eat your bread yeah so thank you guys so much for signing up it means so much because it's the number one way you can support what we do so the patreon link you'll find in the episode description if you don't feel like

clicking on anything and you want to remember it just go to patreon.com can you don't podcast thank you guys so much we have just type it in the search bar too it shows up right ad free fucking early releases get your name on the website exclusive merch all that stuff there's three tiers so go check it out uh if you have something you want to see on the show send that in to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com did you mention the shirt the hong kong shirt no but that is the exclusive you go ahead and do that oh i just i wasn't listening to what you're saying that's fine you never do um do. There's a Honk Honk Silly Goose shirt. If you join the Patreon, you get a special code,

and then you can go to the site and be one of the exclusive... Owners. Yeah, owners of the Silly Goose shirt. Honka. Honka. God damn it. I keep doing the...

Honka what? Honka what? And yeah, Logan drew that up. It was a great job job he's wearing like um the goose is wearing like one of those funny the nose and sunglass pair yeah the fucking disguise thing yeah who who's that modeled after i always forget like who originally this seems like something logan would know like all i can think of mr magoo but i know the only person i can think is like like eugene levy. Eugene Levy? Sure.

I mean, why not? The one that is on the goose and the shirt is modeled after Eugene Levy. You geese Levy. You geese Levy. But check that out. There's tons more coming up. Again, you can sign up on Patreon. And thank you guys so much to everyone who's done it.

Now, the ones that aren't or are looking for for something new we have some new merch uh going off your fucking shit story yeah which was the first interrupt our introduction of people to brian if you're coming over from is be dumb what a story what a saga and you had a uh experience in a red robin and we've decided to turn that into a shirt that you can get for can you don't people are still talking about it quite a bit so i'm having to relive that over and over again the trauma did i wake up hop in the group and someone says like hey did brian shit himself today it's a good day if you do one of the little markers on our patreon that has our secret code the one that we're not going to say right now but to go find the secret code at the bottom of it it

says if you share this with anyone brian's going to find you and shit in your pants in their pants like pull their their britches open and just shit into their pants gonna shit your pants yeah which i think is fine that's kind of funny i steal i steal their pants in the middle of the night no no just just while they're standing there they're going to a movie and you sneak up after like a fucking sweet taco bell run and they think they're gonna have a great night maybe they just got a large popcorn they got a deal like a combo deal they got a they got a hot dog um like a big big i know this is like 700 dollars yeah and uh popcorn and they have a big drink maybe they got some skittles and they're paying they're about to get out of there do you want butter yeah? Yeah, of course I want butter. You want garlic butter?

I'll butter your popcorn. You want garlic butter? No, thanks. And before you know it, you're running up behind them, pulling their pants back and shitting in them and just filling them up. Have a good movie. I hope the new Top Gun is great. Bye.

I mean, I would like, I kind of like more the idea of like, they're getting ready to go out and they're, they're like checking themselves out in the mirror. Yeah. Well, no, like they're at home. Like I sneak into their house while they're in the shower and I've, and they have an outfit laid out on the bed. Date night. Yeah.

It's date night. Okay. So they're in the shower. They've got their clothes all laid out. First date. Yeah, their first date. Right. This is going to be real awkward for them.

And dude, the connection was unreal. Oh, yeah. Usually you don't get that connection on Tinder. And this one felt different. It's rare. It was like love at first sight type of thing. Great. And so they're getting cleaned up.

I sneak in through the window. I find the clothes that they're going to wear. I shit in the pants. Just a shitty Santa? Yeah. And I just drop a load in the pants and then slink out into the night and then watch through the window as they come out and they're getting their clothes on. They pull their pants up and my shit is in their pants.

And just slushy in. Mm-hmm. Slushy into a nice pair of jeans. And I'm breathing on the window, drawing little pictures and writing notes. Sorry. Oops. Whoops. Honk, honk.

And then I run off. Honk, honk, motherfucker. then i run off honk honk motherfucker right in his face a little heart and you have to keep like breathing on the window breathing on it yeah because they won't look right because they're so disappointed they're mad you're like the payoff is this the payoff the payoff is shitty santa's here motherfucker yeah um no we have a couple shirts we have the red robin shirt so it looks like the red robin logo but it says uh can you don't but then we have the Red Robin shirt. So it looks like the Red Robin logo, but it says, Can You Don't? But then we have the same logo, but it says Stinky Penguin.

So either option is available right now at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. Can you imagine if they were like, Stinky Penguin. Ooh. Pew. Boo. Boo. And we have some stuff sent in. Oh, cool.

We're going to hit that real quick. I'm going to bend over. Don't look at my butt. Okay. Okay. One second. Logan, can we get his butt in. Oh, cool. We're going to hit that real quick. I'm going to bend over. Don't look at my butt. Okay, one second. Logan, can we get his butt on? Oh, too late. Too late. No.

Okay, so this was sent in. Here's the note. It says, hey, daddies. I've written into Joe before about my son who's autistic, and he also loves clocks, fans, etc. My wife ordered him this book, not knowing how hilarious it would be we all love it hopefully you do too from adam ritz or adam reitz he's got a little artist on his hands all right i'm going i'm going yeah so the book the book that he was sent in is um the big black clock okay and this was at my apartment it's a jumbo clock the last like

half uh you know, whatever. And my kids were like, what does that mean? And they're thumbing through it. I was just waiting for one person to pick up and they didn't. So thank God. That means that my kids haven't found that part of the internet. Is it just sort of like if you read it and it's innuendo-y, you don't, if you don't have that sort of mind,

I'm going to have to read it. Here's one page. Can mommy find a clock big enough to make her happy oh what kind of clock do you think she should get that's amazing next page one second we went to the store to look at all the different clocks mommy found the perfect one it was a big black cock clock mommy mommy says she has to polish the big black clock at least two times every day that's how she keeps it clean. And we'll go towards the end here.

Mommy sure does love that big black clock. Does it vibrate when the alarm goes off? And then this was sent directly to you. This is a big giant dick. It says, I love you, Stepdaddy Brian. Oh, this is amazing. I don't know exactly who sent it in but it's from ship a dick look at that for the for the kids at home they can see the video it says i love you step daddy brian

and it's a giant cardboard car there's a bunch of stickers in there as well oh shit it's ship a dick ship that's amazing i told you what it was yeah but i didn't now that i see it that's amazing it's got a bit well but I didn't, now that I see it, that's amazing. And it's got a bit, well. Like you didn't trust me? Yeah, I thought, look at that. You've upgraded. I like it.

Can you imagine? Can you imagine growing that on your arm? Like a dick farmer? Yeah. Can you imagine having that and just being like, hey, I really like you. And trying to talk someone into sitting on a fucking three foot cock the good thing about having a small penis the tip is the size of my thigh right just try it but honestly the good thing about having a penis you never a small penis a penis is you never have to worry about

that they're never like uh oh slow down stop they're just like is it in yet they're like please free yeah please harder yeah can you throw another one in there? Can we get your brother in here? Do you have a better friend? Can we get Joe in here, too? How hot is your friend? Get Joe's horse cock in here. You better get out of the way. Am I right?

Coming through, brother. Anyway, enjoy your job. I'm going to put this right here. Will it fit right there? Yeah. That's what she said. If it falls off, then I don't know. Oh, Jesus Christ.

Just eat it there we go suck on it great okay well that's pretty much it if you want to send something in the PO box is in the episode description

not going to stay right now are you ready to go? so they had to jam this big old dick in the PO box I had to carry it out of there and look at what is on the on the cover

look it just says fondle with care fondle with care oh well see i didn't know what it was i'm glad they put in a bag if you had to walk out of the the excuse me excuse me the mail all the the people it's always like old people in the mail oh yeah whatever it's called what it's got a post office post office and the old people man like i'm checking the mail I'm checking the mail open it up just a fucking old guy

just read god damn it always hi shunny I don't have time for this I don't have time for this when are you gonna die get out of here

um okay let's speaking of that um what okay stop it okay we'll hit on that in a bit you son of a bitch

Logan push the button hey shut up. It's not the show already. You wrote it. Set it up. All right. This is a what if question, and it's from our illegitimate child, Eugene. How's he doing?

I don't know. I never keep tabs on the kids. That's your job. Understood. Understood. We have 20 bucks in his uh college fund yeah well we put it in we put it in something that tanked whatever whatever that was a stock that tanked i don't know whatever bitcoin or yeah that's not doing so well nope all right okay he

uh he said he just he wrote this saying it just got back from a bicycle ride okay who rides a bicycle eugene my oldest son hits me with this question as soon as I enter the house. What if there are two people who are conjoined twins and one of them commits a murder? Do they both go to jail? Oh, my gosh. I found this one fascinating. Yes. I mean, I'm sure, like, it probably hasn't happened.

But this is, like, it doesn't even have to be hypothetical. It could happen. This could happen. have this could happen and what would happen how pissed would you be yeah as you're like you did what and then how what if okay your brain is the one that controls like the legs uh-huh and then the other one is the brain that controls the arms clearly i don't know how this works. I'm not a doctor. Listen, I'm not a math rocket scientist doctor, but if I was, what if one person had to control the legs?

Come on! Look at what he did! And they're trying to show you the terrible shit he did. He's like, I'm not walking there. He's like, just do it! Oh god, there goes my dick. The other one's waving their arm i'll fucking kill you i'll kick you and like they're just trying to they're

fighting over just weird shit because they have different control over different appendages i don't know how that works i wish i did because that would be a lot better imagine imagine though like in that scenario where you don't can let's say maybe you can like all you do is control one head that's it okay you get a brain's say maybe you can, like, all you do is control one head. That's it. Okay. You get a brain? Yeah.

So you know what's going on. You can visualize, you can see what's going on, but you don't control your arms, any limbs. So the one that does is like, I'm going to go kill somebody. Please don't. And you're just like, please don't do that. We've been through this. You're like, no, I got to do this. I got to kill somebody.

Yeah, but I don't want to. I would hate it. That would be real bad for me. It would look really bad for me i just got done with school yeah he so this guy goes out and slashes somebody up oh that the other guy would be an accomplice to murder right he helped him i don't know about that just being just being there at the crime scene you're an accomplice i don't know how a child can join no imagine imagine taking a lie detector test they sit you down and they're like did you did you kill this person you're like no and like you're not you're not lying but i'm picturing conjoined twins in the olympics and lanes one and two are julia and rebecca julia and rebecca and they just fucking share the legs and run down

the middle well what if they if one of them yeah if one of them had one side and the other one had the other side and they have it's like a three-legged race it's like you have the legs tied together in the middle those are so hard they're so hard to do ah okay now okay now put that into as they're murdering maybe they go on a killing spree together and one of them you know they what okay the one that does no control is the devil on the shoulder literally you can do it you can do it slash do it if i had arms if i had an arm i would have been dead already control any of the appendages be sure this motherfucker be dead you're right you're right i know i'm right now i know i'm right now run rebecca run oh man okay now here's another scenario okay let's say they

commit the murder and they've gone to trial and they were guilty they call one of them to the stands like just one of you but can't no i can't do that um it's like trying to angle the microphone the other one can you imagine the guy's like did you kill this person and they're like no and the other one's going yes i did no we didn't yes we did no there's no we in this situation one at a time what you can't who are you talking to so okay to? So, okay, they go to jail. Great. Okay, so now... As they should.

Let's say the person that didn't commit the murder controls the butt. What? Like they twerk for a living? No, they feel the butt. Because someone's got to control pooping, right? Like the butt muscles. Man, I wish I knew more about this. Yeah, we are so ignorant to this. There's no way that one person doesn't feel pooping right like the the butt muscles man i wish i knew more about this yeah we are so ignorant there's no way that one person doesn't feel pooping like well no let's say there's

not two like there's not two spines are there i'm guessing there could be okay let's say you can both of them can feel the butt but only one controls the muscles maybe the nerves so like one control can feel it in the nerves it can feel the pain. And the other one controls the butt. I don't care how it works. One opens the shrinker. All you're doing is you're delaying what I'm trying to get to. And this is now they're in prison getting butt ripped. You delayed yourself.

You're throwing me off track here. You're like the head. I'm trying to go this direction and you're controlling one leg. Just kill him. Kill him. Just kill him, Brian. I'm trying to get to the scenario. No, I want to be a good person. You're controlling one leg. Just kill him. I'm trying to. Kill him. Just kill him, Brian. I'm trying to get to the scenario. No, I want to be a good person.

You're keeping me from getting to the scenario. Kill him. You're acting like that person. Fucking kill him, Brian. Okay, so you're in prison. Do it. You're already in prison. Yeah, I'm in prison.

And here you're walking in. They're like, ooh, fresh meat. Mmm, fish. You know, you're walking in there. What? Isn't that what they say? When someone, if someone you're in the prison, don that what they say when someone is someone new into prison or don't they do that they're like come here fish they call them fish don't they

logan don't they call when someone's new to prison they're like they call them fish i guess i'll go with that i know i know i'm right and the kids are gonna back me up someone if someone's been into prison have you ever been heckled and called a fish when you when you're showing up in the prison you're whole you've got your clothes and you're walking in there with your towel and stuff looking for a bunk and they're like fishy come here that's what they do in the movies what movie every every movie you're such a okay they did that in prison break okay one fish it's a tv show idiot you're a movie go ahead okay so anyway they said now you're in prison for murder yeah but you the one guy didn't commit the murder but you still have to experience. So now you're getting taken in the showers, you're dropping the soap.

Which, I mean, everyone has to shower. The one that did the murder deserves it, right? But the other one who was just the accomplice who couldn't control the limbs is now getting anally penetrated. I don't think everyone, I think sometimes murder is okay. What? I'm not disagreeing with you. Anally penetrated. I don't think everyone... I think sometimes murder is okay. Hmm? What? I didn't... I'm not disagreeing with you.

Well, you said they deserve it. Okay, well... That's what you said. I didn't mean it like... Sometimes murdering somebody is fine. In my book. If they did something that's terrible, you can murder them. So are you saying in this hypothetical situation...

The butt sex isn't deserved. These are called Samese twins right yeah siamese twins can join siamese twins or commit killed somebody that and it was uh if it was like over shoplifting but if it was over something they killed their dad go for it it's like the menendez brothers well they killed their own parents they which is close so someone else killed somebody and then they're like, fuck this guy, or a pedophile raped their mom, their sister. God damn it.

This is why YouTube's not allowing us to... This is why we're getting blocked on YouTube. Listen, age doesn't matter. You know what I'm getting at. Do you say AIDS doesn't matter? Age. Age doesn't matter. AIDS matters. Well, it doesn't matter AIDS matters well it doesn't anymore well they're trying I read a report that they might have it all figured out actually by the

way it was almost that anymore so yeah the it was almost the hooray we're not all doomed actually that didn't pick it today so anyway there's a okay time for murder anyway so go back to you and try to tell me about butt sex well I, I was just saying, okay, when... God, now you got me all thinking about... Now they don't deserve this shower. Now you're frustrated with me? Oh, my God. I had this whole thing I was going to say and I screwed it all up.

Could you be any more rude? You're so rude. I'm trying to get to sexually, anally raped Siamese twins and you keep derailing the conversation. The nerve. It's so inconvenient. I'm trying to get to sexually, anally raped Siamese twins, and you keep derailing the conversation. The nerve. It's so inconvenient. The nerve. Well, as inconvenient as the twin that didn't do the murdering, getting raped in the shower. You're right.

That's basically what I'm trying to say. Good. I'm glad you got there. So, the person that did the murder goes into prison, and sometimes you get raped. I'm not saying you deserve it. I'm just saying that's what happens when you go to prison. But the twin that didn't want to kill the person is now in jail getting raped because of the twin that did the murdering. So they really don't deserve it because they shouldn't be there in the first place.

But they couldn't do anything about it because he couldn't control the arms. What if they like it? Yeah, maybe they do. I'm just saying the visual of in jail with conjoined twins where they find out one half is guilty and the other one's not and they have a special cell where it just divides them down the middle the one on the outside of the cell the guards are so nice to just giving all the food they want throwing birthday parties they get a christmas and the one on the inside is just in the dark.

Fucking sad, getting touched, getting harassed. All the things that happen. The guard walks up, happy birthday, and then leans around to the corner, shut the fuck up! Just screams at the other one. Not you! Not you! Your birthday sucks! Solitary confinement? Yes! Imagine someone's

in pitch black, and the other one has a birthday cake. And that's just how they live. Which is a little bit of sadness, but also you still get a birthday cake. Well, is it solitary confinement if you're both in solitary? Because you're in there with somebody else. No, it's half. The door is like sealed up.

How? If you're attached, how do you seal the door? Halfies. Right down the middle, baby. So do they put... They have to construct a wall in between you? It's a light-proof cutout door where one person gets a little bit of freedom and the other one is in pitch black darkness and sadness and they just hear the other one having so much fun. They're playing ping pong.

Playing ping pong. It's so close to you, too. They're doing charades yeah and you're just fucking in the dark listen they can only have they can only do four hands if they're doing it that way what if what if the person on the left side in the dark controlled the right limb they're kicking the fucking guards yeah And getting the other one smacked? Oh, God. It's kind of like you walk it up and kick it in the butt.

Turns around and gets slapped. It wasn't me! Why'd you throw your birthday cake? It was Steve! It was Steve! Ten more years! Ten more years! Ten more years!

Ten more years! Okay, the last point on this. And then I'm going to move on. But I have to make it a little sexual. I'm not going to go that that far let's say that you're in love with these conjoined twins okay and you're a fucking you're an ass man or you're you're a boobs guy okay boobs guy and those are the best they have the best set of tits you've ever seen okay but one of them turned on one of them does not like you the other one could not love you more well how do you deal with that one person wishes you were dead the other one wants to have

wants them wants them to have your babies yeah oh well is that the phrasing it kills me i mean is that consensual god they have the best sentence imagine imagine like sex is that consensual sex if the other one doesn't want to have sex i don't know what if you just stick to one side one boob one bob just work the one boob just work the one boob but if there's one vagina i never come yeah because all i touch is one boob well what i'm not fucking harry potter let's go back to the scenario where the nerve endings and stuff what if the one that doesn't like you is the one that feels the vagina that's what i'm getting that's what logan's getting at so whatever they feel you are you have to focus on one lump i don't know i i just thought it was funny to bring up

and i don't have the answer but one person why is always trying to talk the other one out of it. They're kissing and the one that hates him is like, he's not even that good. Yeah. Oh my God, you're wasting your time, Rebecca. Just talking in your ear the whole time. Shut up. She's like, shut up. I'm trying to enjoy this.

But also you. You're like, shut up. You're like pushing their head away. Like, shut the fuck up. I've never had a three-way before. Shut up. Right. You're making me nervous.

I mean, that's like a... He can never get it hard because you're always here that's why i can never get it up you guy can't please a woman trying to please two women i can't please you're trying to please two women shut the fuck up i can't even please one let alone two is that a three-way is it a two and a half way dude that's a two-way with a fucking a hater that's like a hater on the side which i don't even know if that's possible think about it not as being between twins you're trying to like make out with someone or have sex and there's someone on the sidelines booing you and being like you are the worst oh that'd be awful now you go down on her

yeah five minutes ago well i mean imagine like having a three-way with your wife or whatever and then you're in you bring in someone. And then you're going with the other chick. And your wife's like, she goes and sits in the chair because she's not getting any attention. So now she's just over in the corner like, you never do that with me. You should have pulled the laundry. What? And you're like, I don't.

Dude, that'd be the worst. If you got talked into a threesome that wasn't your doing and then in the middle of it it fucked everything up you're like i didn't want to do this yeah and that i know that happens i have a buddy that has happened to where they got drunk and he was talked into it and she got mad and they fucking broke up over it and he didn't want to do it in the first place yeah she thought she liked it and then she saw it she goes i don't like this maybe it was all just a test it just bailed out no they're best friends they're still friends he just got fucking left in the dust it happens that just seems like a that seems like a shitty i know it's like you wanted me to do this this

was my birthday present but i get it i saw jerry springer episode that very scenario and totally real that's why i go ahead no that's why i was i brought this up because i just saw this jerry springer and it was the that scenario happened the other one walked away and she was watching the other two go at it and then they started plowing on the side and they were keeping it secret so the chick wanted to have a threesome for her husband to kind of give him a birthday present and he's like yeah then they started banging. And then she was left out. And she was like, I do all your laundry. I do your dishes.

I clean your house. And you out fucking her? Yeah. What did he say? He was just like, yeah, you fucking betcha. That's basically what it is. You betcha it's the kid mind. I'm not even pregnant.

Well, then fucking get out of here. There's no way we're doing this. He's like something weird. I'm not the pregnant well then fucking get out of here there's no what we're doing it's like some weird i'm not the dad he's like clapping himself jerry's like god what the crowd's like jerry jerry oh my jerry beads start flashing the camera that was the last episode jerry springer's ever done um okay so i think we figured that out we sure did let's move on to what do you think and if there are any conjoined twins, let us know. Please do. How ignorant we are. I'd like to see the email if one of you controls each hand.

One of them's going, don't send that in. You're like, they want to hear this. Nobody wants to hear this. Don't touch my side of the keyboard. It's only half the letters as they send it in. They have to. You're waiting for the other person to type, and they're not, so it just goes, What does M-O-P-Y-V-K-L-H-J mean?

She's like, save me, I'm homeless. You're like, I can't, I don't know what the fucking other letters are. Okay, Logan, go ahead. Did it, baby. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing.

Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Whew, I hope that was as fun for everyone else as it was for us. I'm still thinking about that. Okay, so what are you thinking about is not going to be fun out the gate. Oh, we were going to do a contrast situation? Yeah, not as fun as that.

Okay. Because I've been getting a lot of messages and i made a post about it before we recorded this episode because as you know we record in advance but the last episode we recorded talked about me hopping on an airplane a couple hours afterward to head home and go visit my dad because he wasn't doing well turns out he was not doing well at all um so my dad passed away it was a few hours before i was able to get down there and but i'm thankful that my brother and my sister were down there but my sister was like right next to him like holding his hand that's good and because of the way things

were going he's having trouble breathing he wasn't swallowing food and water at that point so we're trying to all get down there as fast as we could um so she was holding his hand and i guess as far as dying goes she said she woke up because he went and then she was like dad and that was it so like there was no there's no pain there was no panic and he just passed away so as far as that goes i think that's pretty much best case scenario yeah um but man so i got down there like i said i was i was late to the party I think that's pretty much best case scenario. Yeah. But, man. So, I got down there. Like I said, I was late to the party. What a shitty party.

What a fucking... Are you walking in with the beer? Hey, guys. Got the beer. Just a fucking 30 of stones. Got the Keystone Ice. Got a fucking beer bong. Where's dad?

You missed him dying because you stopped for beer he's a long line at the fucking shitty grocery store here joe you better get here i'm coming i'm waiting in line this guy in front of me i'm not showing up empty-handed this guy's buying trying to buy cigarettes he don't have his kind don't have his kind they don't have the longs they don't have the menthols i've been in here for 15 minutes uh no so it wasn't that but he um so i showed up and luckily you know i'm not i'm just i know there's people that have been through this i don't think that you've been through this i don't think logan's been through this um but like he way and you get to keep his body like it's a fucking souvenir uh in or around for up to 24 hours before the coroner has to show up and take it away wait are you saying you get to like i don't

yeah well you get to in my sense because i was late and i wanted to still see my dad uh so they kept him in his bed until i got there in my, that is one of the trippiest experiences I have ever been through. Uh, my dad is a big snorer. So like, he's just laying there. It looks like he's just fucking snoring, but, uh, he's not. And there it's like, they're so cool. I know, I know there's people out there that have experienced this.

You know what I'm talking about? They're just there. It's, it's so weird to touch, like not just there's people out there that have experienced this. You know what I'm talking about? They're just there. It's, it's so weird to touch, like not just his hands, but like you touch his head. It's just fucking ice cold. It is so real.

You're like, whoa, like it's, I can't, I can't really explain it. So anyway, um, we talked to him,

uh, or I talked to his body. I'm sure he's still around. I mean, he's, you know, there are signs when we were all hanging out that he was still there. There was some stuff happening, but besides that, they're, um, you know, talking to him and, you know, whatever things that I didn't get to say in the last moments. Um, and so all that got done. I walked out of there. We hung out with

some family for a little bit and then we had to call the coroner to come and get him. Right. So they come and get him and And it's some old man. Like, I'm not sure how he made it in the house. Like he is so old. He's like, got to be at least 90. And I'm like, how are you getting this body out of here? And they have like the, what's it called? The gurney.

So you load them up onto the gurney. And one of the craziest experiences was rolling like my dad's body out of his own house. And it was so, everyone was crying. The corner was crying. Like it was this whole thing, right? So as I'm standing there and because I'm fucking just twisted and I don't know how to be way too serious. We're pushing him out of his shop where he has made his entire living. It's this beautiful gigantic wood shop where he has made things for

fucking bruce willis and fucking whoa uh god damn it what's his name the fucking actor from big big tom hanks he's made shit for tom hanks right so he's done all the steve um god damn it miller steve miller i have i have his amp down here i just i used to mow steve miller's lawn that's awesome the fender i have out there is Steve Miller's. Did you know that? Did you take the money and run? Thanks, Logan. Logan thought that was great.

No. Apparently, you didn't. No, I'm just a joker. Okay. Come on. Come on. That was maybe the greatest reaction ever because you were stone cold silent. I was stone cold Steve Austin.

Logan, Steve. Did you crush those keystones? i just don't did it did you did it keep cold hey anyway so we're rolling them out of the shop right it's just all these memories all these feelings and as i'm rolling we said our goodbyes and then they do that thing where they pull like it's all real they pull the sheet over his head it's just like the movies and you're like fuck that's the last time i'm seeing my dad right so they pull the sheet over and they're rolling them out and we open the garage door and we roll them out and as i'm helping roll my dad out i look up and we're putting him in a fucking dodge minivan right and i'm like what like this is not this is not this guy's a fucking legend

and i'm rolling him in helping lift him into a fucking minivan like i'm glad he fits can you scoot the passenger seat forward so i can fit my dad in like it should be a gold-plated limo like i did not expect that seats like a they were down it's a like who's van was it the guy who was crying the old guy it was just his personal man i don't know did he take it to get it clean afterwards brian didn't have a chance to ask him wasn't important at that time where I'm picking him up and lifting my dad in to go, hey, bro, is this your minivan? No, I didn't ask him.

Imagine after he goes, no. After he was done working for the day, he takes it to like a car wash. A new fucking Bronco. Like a new fucking sweet car. It's in a Lamborghini. It's his personal car. Can we load my dad in, please? No, I had to go he had to go get it cleaned out he's like sorry there was a there was a body in here can you do you have anything like cleans he goes yeah yeah just open all the doors and we'll roll you through the car wash uh no but that was so weird

it was such an emotional moment emotional day i mean it's still emotional now as we time we record this uh my dad was actually buried today so he was which is um how weird life is i don't know how you're saying this without well because i've already had it i've already been through it i've already cried it all out quit trying to make me cry you asshole and today's also my mom's birthday so it's like this weird it just life has all these weird coincidences um but anyway so we were rolling them out it was this crazy moment everyone's losing their shit and i was like god damn dude putting you in a fucking minivan i fucking i hate this i don't even know what better i don't know i don't know

what i expected but in that moment i just expected like a cooler thing to put my dad in and it fucking killed me not literally i can't think of like god what that thing would be that would be like that the perfect thing but i know it's not a dodge caravan dude it's not a fucking astro van dude it's like they're moving the kid toys into the back and like moving stuff over like and like the back had the auto closed i'm like this is what is fucking going on and i just watched his body disappear with like a fucking backup no way beep beep beep i was like why driving off smoking like yeah i'm hugging my stepmom 2.0 my second stepmom and we're uh like we're just hugging and crying i'm with his stepmom, and we're just hugging and crying.

I'm with his brother, my uncle, and we're just crying in the fucking garage. I'm just hearing this beep, beep, as Fuckface pushes the auto-close on his minivan, dude. And I just couldn't help it. Everybody watch your head. Out of the way, please. Excuse me.

He uses the kick liftgate. He doesn't even have the time to reach up and push the button he just waves his foot under the back so it can close automatically anyway bye i imagine like they're putting him in there and then they grab the seat belt and have to put the seat like reach over to connect some kind of weird fucking regulation we gotta scrap him down we can't have a loose body this is technically a trance it falls under the certain laws of like whatever things yeah transportation moving you get pulled over and the cops like don't think it matters does that qualify for the carpool lane yeah i hate you guys i don't want to do this you did it i don't want to joke about this

i didn't say anything besides minivan you fucking assholes what would what would you like to get picked up when you die oh man i'd like a fucking V10 Hummer limo. Imagine the corner guy that picked him up. He's like, he had to stop because he was hungry before he gets back to the place. He pulls up into the drive-thru. And out of instinct, he thinks someone's in the backseat. Anything you want? Oh, shit. I'm just kidding.

It's just his joke. For himself. Like some weird pickup line. He goes, I'll get number one one anything for you jim oh no he's fine he's dead and they're like what like that's not he's like those guys that just they're by themselves all day like they just or he orders more than he needs but he's gonna eat both right we'll get well now we'll get two number twos uh we got somebody in the back he's back he's motion sickness he's just laying it's like porn went out for my homies but he's eating a cheeseburger for food for my dad god how disrespectful minivan and then eating an extra cheeseburger you ordered from my dad he's just listening like deaf leopard smoking a cigarette eating eating mcdonald's on the way back to the

90 like he has nothing to live for. My dad clearly doesn't. No, but my dad... He gets the brakes and he does the old chest stop thing. Oops, sorry. Habit. But in all seriousness, my dad was fucking amazing. My dad was absolutely amazing. He was so eccentric.

He was so original. He never did anything, even down to his work. That was anything. Someone else was doing it. He doing he's like well i'm not doing that yeah and he would find a new way to do it um why do people like that have to die i don't know man it's just so dumb he was so active like he was the guy there was multiple times that uh growing up he would call me here's one of the times i was heading out i'm not sure if i was like sports thing or trying to go out and hang out with friends and he calls me up and i pick up my phone i had like a landline in my room i don't know if i was like a fucking girl trying to bang i pick it up he goes joe

like yeah he goes hey hey i'm sorry um hey this is my voicemail he goes hey um i'm in fairfield i'm like what fairfield is fucking 57 miles away and he goes I started riding my bike out of Canyon I figured I'm just gonna go over the top of this and I got over here and I'm too tired

to get back so on a random fucking Friday he just took off and rode his bike 47 miles into the mountains and ended up in some mountain

fucking town I was like god damn it you have to go pick him up I had to go drive out there and pick him up what did you drive out there

and pick him up in my childhood car it was a white Subaru hatchback me and my brother brother were sharing at the time but that was like multiple things no god damn it and there's like multiple tiny towns i've had to pick up my dad from because he just can't stop riding his bike for fucking 60 miles so so active uh never slowed down he could never just like just sit still and then yeah he gets fucking brain cancer i mean that's just so dumb i know it's fucking unfair and he never like he stopped drinking 35 years ago like did no drugs and it's like cool like i'm gonna make sure i don't make

sure i make it and hang out with my grandkids and all that kind of shit and gets his fucking brain cancer cancer's so dumb. Yeah. So anyway, that's what I'm thinking about. Is that cool? Yeah, that was... Was that fun for you? No, not really. Cool. Not really.

All right. I mean, I'm glad you got that off your chest. And thank you to everybody who has written in and, you know, said either they've been through something similar or sending their condolences

and sorry for your losses. So thank you so much for sending that in. It does mean a lot. Anyway, not speaking to my dad, do you want to see my dick yeah that's a nice transition yeah let's transition about as good as it can be to your wiener logan is it dumb is it interesting is it cool that was actually way fun more fun than i thought it was gonna be yeah was actually way funner More fun than I thought it was going to be

That was way funner than I thought it was going to be I knew that was going to be fun Talking about my dad I said trust me I don't think it's that very funny We'll make it through baby I know we can make it funny but I just didn't want to Clearly

Clearly you had a real hard time Making that funny Brian I can make anything funny I just didn't want to How did you do were clearly you had a real hard time you know I can make anything fun how did you do it how did you manage to make fun of my dead dad I've Logan and I were talking about this and this is I mean again it's sad and I'll move on but we recorded that episode and it was like hours later the one last week my dad yeah you texting you're like I'm sorry guys I know my dad died we're like like the fucking last thing was there was a good you know you like that joke your mom you said to my dad and i was like and like i thought about that later i was like oh my god so bad again he doesn't know like i mean fucking he didn't know

what the fuck was going on on the final months or flying around in here from come punch you in the fucking dick okay so my story i came across this story actually a while back and i just haven't found the right time to bring it in until right and apparently this is it this is it lakota school board member accidentally posts porn link while advocating for abstinence so i know that last week i had the story about the um no the mayor yeah the drunk driver yeah went and visited the family that had a daughter that died of drunk driving and then got fucking busted for drunk driving later that that later it's the exact same story kind of with porn but with porn and i think the lesson here is the people that are in charge of running either any

sort of position in office uh local or in the government are fucking idiots and they're no better than you and if you ever think that you can't challenge them or are better than them or smarter than them you're fucking wrong and they live a lie they just decided to go do something and they fucking won yeah you can do it too yeah so if you're not a piece of shit and you want to change something locally or on a national level go run for i think you kind of have to be a piece of shit though those are they're the ones that win right because they're not they don't have care about the other opposition yeah they just don't give a shit but you could be a dickhead for a bit but if you can snap out of it and actually change your community that's that's

cool yeah i mean that's be ideal yeah that's always great but i don't want to do that okay so check this out the lakota school board on wednesday 4-1 to censure a board member for posting on Facebook a link that led to inappropriate sexual content. A separate motion passed requesting that the board member, Darby Bode, resign immediately. So here's what happened. It was a 4-1 vote? Yes. Why wasn't it 5-0? Because I don't... Did she get the vote? Yeah. So here's the happened. It was a four to one vote. Yes. Why wasn't it five zero? Because I don't know.

Did she get the vote? Yeah. Yeah. All right. So here, here's the skinny on this shit. So she had this whole post talking about critical race theory, right?

I mean, if that tells you like where things are going and your lack of understanding your disconnect from the fucking world and trying to get that, just take that a story. Just don't talk about anybody who's not me. And then she meant to post a link that led to like the actual like a um a way to teach your kids about sexuality right but she typed it in and there's an error and it just led to a porn site and she just posted that up in the fact it's so fucking funny to me because I love it.

I love that you're such a dipshit that, and I don't know, it doesn't say what the error was. I don't know how many keystrokes she was off from what she was trying to reach versus what she actually posted. But I love that you have just made this stand. You have dug your heels in on some bullshit. And then you make a post that links to porn. And then like where she's at, she's not like forced to resign. Even if she's voted against,

like it's a whole process. She's got tenure or something. Yeah, whatever, man. Like this, this particular article says that she did not leave. Like she's trying to fucking stay. Of course you are. You're pushing critical race,

race theory bullshit. Standing firm, bro. Fucking got a game stay of course you are pushing critical race race theory bullshit um standing firm bro fucking god damn of course you are uh but this did remind me of some shit that uh i went through in high school and this is very real i was in the computer lab in high school and when you get done with your stuff i'm do you even have like typing classes and shit anymore was that still a thing remember those like those glasses they made you wear that had the like the wing underneath it

so you couldn't look down at your hands Logan yeah I actually did do that yeah yeah so they have like dumb glasses

that have a like a a visor on the bottom of your eyes like horse blinders yeah for kids

type blinders horse blinders for kids but you can't look down at your hands and it tests your typing but when you get through all of the different exercises towards the end of class you get to like play games like uh elastomania or elastoman whatever that fucking motorcycle game

was uh or you could go to like different arcade shit online but i remember that i had not i failed to get a government assignment done on time so i was going to use the remaining 20 minutes of this typing class to get my government shit done and i typed in and i shit you not it was whitehouse.com okay yep now i can't bring this up on the screen without censoring it but whitehouse.com is a fucking porn site i think i knew that well i mean i mean i didn't know that i've never heard of it well tell me more joseph but i don't know how many kids figured this out i'm gonna i'm gonna click through here because we're over 18 oh it says coming soon maybe they got taken down anyway it was not taken down spell how'd they spell coming soon i've c-u-m-m nice

yeah no it's normal coming no but um they've been working i guess they're working on this for a bit uh but i remember when you first went to it it was not censored it was fucking tits and puss and i was sitting there and i typed it in and clicked enter and just fucking it popped up and my heart stopped i was like fuck oh oh shit like how do i how do i clear history and i'm trying like oh just playing a playing a motorcycle game and i'm trying to get out of there as fast as i can i but i know i can't be the only one dude whitehouse.com in school you have to have known what that was because of course that's where you would go back when the internet was fairly new you had to like type in the place you wanted to go to and that's what like fired up

that whole domain uh craze we just buy up shit that you knew people would want and then sell it to them if they actually or they got it or don't sell it and then put ads on your site so then we got there yep well i remember i think it was seventh or eighth grade this would have been shit like 1997 98 somewhere in there that's when the internet was real fresh and i remember we it was so fresh that we had during class like civics and law or whatever it was we got to sign up to get on the computer to go explore the internet like that was the thing we were learning how to use the internet and i remember i had some friends we were typing in like all these disney things stuff and then one of it we typed in Bambi calm

And it was not a deer. It's not a deer. No, oh dear it popped up and it was just And the teacher was up riding on the on the board and you felt that the computer was no he didn't notice the computer Is in the front of class and also think There's one of those old teachers. It was kind of like he didn't notice, but the computer was in the front of the class. And I was like, ah. But it was one of those old teachers that was kind of like, he didn't see shit. Oh, thank God. But I looked over, and all the class was like, oh, my God. And I'm like, you know, this is new. We don't know how to get out of the window and everything.

I'm like, oh, fuck. I remember I just clicked the monitor off. I clicked the monitor off and then pulled the plug. And the teacher didn't see it. That's a smart thing. Teacher turns around and says, excuse me, what? Dude, I was so sweaty, though. Did somebody have a question?

Turn around. Everyone's just going. Who that you're like oh that was me oh hey officer jackson and then did you also know um that if you go to can you don't.com instead of can you don't podcast.com japanese port site oh we found. Actually, Logan and I found that. We were trying to figure out what we were going to name. We were like, okay, if we can get canyoudont.com, we should probably grab that. Then we looked at canyoudont. Or if we could get it, we had to get canyoudontpodcast.com because canyoudont.com is a Japanese porn site. All right, let's move on.

You know, if you go to canyoudontpodcast.com, you can get that sick merch. There's a plug. Huh? What kind of plug? Get yourself the t-shirt or something yeah tell you pay for our kids tell your family to come get one too fruit snacks tell your best friend to come here and get your fruit snacks yeah okay what do you have for us bud what do i have for us i have um let me pull this up yeah i forgot to do that yeah well good job all right i this is kind of an interesting story um there was a there was a bunch of rumors going on that do you know what a furry is yes of course i do i didn't know what a furry was till when till i saw the story where have you been all this porn talk you don't know furry i don't get into like the weird

stuff i'm just like basic doggy you know like just well speaking of furry doggy yeah i don't want with animals oh you know i like humans dog human doggy logan you knew what a furry was yeah of course god oh i'm sorry oh i'm fucking almost 40 and I don't fucking like dogs. I love dogs. I just don't like plowing dogs. Well, grow up. I like watching other dogs do it, but I don't want to fuck a dog. We're aware, Mr. Dolphins. Fuck me. Pick me.

Pick me. We get it. I'm in this flipper. All right. Go ahead. Faster than lightning. All right. Nebraska State Senator retracts claim about schools giving students

litter boxes okay great i know this is going let's do it i don't even i'm not going to read this thing but basically what happened in there was a few different sites basically what happened was there was these rumors going around that um that these kids were identifying as cats and dogs and stuff in the schools. And that they were asking for litter boxes. And that the school, they weren't providing litter boxes. So the kids just started shitting in the hallways and in the classrooms and all over the place. Goddamn. And so a rumor started that the schools were going to allow furries like furries to have litter boxes because

these people that identified as cats and dogs gotcha and this guy didn't do any and there's a few other teachers they didn't do any research to see if this was real or not right they just started running on this platform that see now the liberals are uh saying that the kids should be able to do you know get litter boxes and stuff so then it started this whole rumor that wasn't true And it's I just find it hilarious because I was thinking about all the things that you could say that you identified for And start make asking for special requests for those things So like if you could identify as a gorilla mm-hmm and now you're going to score I'm a gorilla and I need how come how come you didn't get your homework done

Yeah And now you're going to school. I'm a gorilla and I need how come how come you didn't get your homework done Yeah Okay, yeah understood Fucking snap your pencil and have it up your butt start throwing your shit Recess you're like Identifies a monkey you didn't get your thesis done. Did you say feces done or thesis done? Thesis. Okay, I thought you said you didn't get your feces done.

Feces done. You're thinking about that. Because I guess I hit you in the face with some shit. My thesis was on feces. My thesis was on feces. Close enough. That's a tongue twister. That's a tongue twister.

Anyway, so is there like a, I mean, what, anything like you could be an animal it could be you identify as a brick yeah a brick and you're like i want some mortar i'm like can i can i have cement what oh my god what i meant was mexican pizza again can i have some fucking cement just throw a shit around all I ask for is a little Mexican pizza and then so you have like a gorilla that's asking for Mexican pizza he wants to be able to throw his shit around you have this other thing asking for Mexican pizza

and then you have all these people arguing like well he gets to throw his shit how come I don't get Mexican pizza and then you have now you just have this full on thing where everyone's like god damn identifying is all sorts of shit like everyone identifies as something different it is making a special request so now if you're a school board who gets do you have to say okay

you can identify only as what you like a boy and a girl whatever you are or do you start allowing all this because when people say like it's slippery slope, you can start throwing feces. You'd have to go. He's shitting in a litter box. The idea of identifying as an inanimate object fucking kills me. Yeah. Where, like, you're walking, like, I'm a fucking stapler. So everybody in class is like, hey, do you have a stapler?

No, go see John. And he has a stapler. He's just standing in the corner. Like, they just reach their papers out. He's like. That's all he does. He shows up and he just staples fucking papers together. Because he's a motherfucking stapler.

And he's the valedictorian. He's the best stapler that school has ever seen. I mean, that's the thing. Like, if you're going to be, if you're going to be, if you're going to be something, you want to be the best at that thing, right? So he's the best stapler ever. West Valley's ever seen. He would be a staple of that school yeah right he would set the tone keep it together set the tone that'd be a printer yeah you get it yeah you get it yeah everyone's just identifying

as like a piece of office equipment dude that'd be the best dude coffee maker like no i have a class of 25 people. Unfortunately, only two are humans. Yeah. The other three are office appliances. Lamp. Here. Printer.

They all make the sound like... Modem. They all make the sounds of what those objects make what is a computer starting up like a which one like a microsoft computer microsoft there's like computer here no it's just like that it's like that th. Yeah. Windows 95 is the one I always think about. Oh my God. Everyone's going to remember that.

When you didn't realize your speakers were on and you restarted Windows 95. Yeah. You're just like, baby, baby. You're so, you're like, Jesus Christ. You turn down those like weird tower speakers that everyone had. Everybody had those. Because you had LimeWire or Napster. Remember when you downloaded the song

and it said, like, Metallica featuring Linkin Park, featuring Alice in Chains, featuring Rage Against the Machine. You're like, remix. Dude, this is going to be the best song I've ever heard in your computer. It's like, virus! Virus! Damn it! Got me again! Wait! That didn't really happen? Of course that

didn't exist! Okay, we're going to move on to Petty Beef. I think we have a pretty good one this week. You ready? Okay, let's roll it. Logan! Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom,

where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Okay, we're going to do one case this week okay because we talked about my dad dying for too long logan set it up baby a woman that goes by crazy ferret lady in spokane thinks men need to learn how to flush the toilet halfway through dropping a dirty snake

the men in her house think that's overkill and insist that only one flush is needed okay what do you guys think that's a that's interesting because i see the logic dude sitting in a fucking there are some poops that could kill people well you don't leave it you float she's saying she's saying the remnants are no i think she. I think she's saying that you're dropping a couple kids off at the pool, right? And they hit the water and they're in swim class. Splashing around, having a good time. And the second you know the two mains are out or three mains, whatever you're dropping, you flush it.

Yeah, I get that. Before you finish, just get the stink out. Yeah. And then you'll wipe up and you do one more flush on the back end as like a final flush. So it's a double. It's the final flush day. Loud toilets are scary. Dude, that would be.

Imagine that. You flush the toilet. It's the final flush. But what if it's not the final flush? That's a programming error. Yeah. Yeah. There's going to be different that's the that's a programming error yeah yeah there's gonna be different lyrics for the one in between okay crazy ferret lady i feel like what i just feel like well just say it no i don't even know what i was gonna say like i just i don't even know we don't anybody that's crazy something on. You just set this up. You're like, I go, okay, one second.

Hear me out. Crazy ferret lady. I shouldn't have to say anything. You motherfucker. If you were here right now, I would say, I don't even know. I don't even know what I would say. I wouldn't say this to your face. I wouldn't say this to your face.

You're crazy. You're a crazy ferret lady. Let's live and let live, baby. I mean, anybody that's a crazy something lady, she's got weird ideas anyway, right? I don't understand. I don't think that she's weird here. Why is it? Why is she in the bathroom with them when they're shitting?

Is she? Why does she care when they flush? And where's her ferrets? Yeah. Am I going to flush a ferret? Are they sneaking underneath the door? How many ferrets are in there? Am I going to accidentally flush a ferret down the toilet? That's why I don't flush

till the end. Are the ferrets getting in there and eating the shit? Are the ferrets in my butt? Okay, so here's a scenario that's probably happening. Whoever's in the house is shitting and it's leaving streaks on the toilet and the ferrets are getting in there and they're eating the streaks off the toilet. Or they're rolling on it like a dog would. Oh, that's a problem. At least they're cleaning

it up. You're blaming the ferrets? Okay, so I think this is more about stinky like dirty snake. It's a shit. It's gonna stink. Don't get mad at me. I'm getting mad at crazy ferretly through you because I feel like you're sticking up for this lady. I am because you're fucking dumb and you don't have to

listen about the, there's logic here. There's logic. You tell me the logic. That you don't want to make everything stink so fucking bad that you walk in there and you gag your kids with your shit. Well, if they're going to come sit in the bathroom while I'm trying to take a shit. How many bathrooms do you have? One and a half. Right.

So there's a, there's a favorite. There's a favorite bathroom. Yeah. There's a downstairs main. Yeah. Okay. So there's a favorite that everybody would like to prefer to poop in yeah right it's more comfortable it's not and i have a tushy in there so i can rinse my butt oh bidet yeah you just turn it over a bad day with a

bidet that's what they say just sponsor us tushy yeah tushy out there they sponsor i need one for my upstairs bathroom they sponsor podcasts let's do it they can do it get over your man i'll spray your water at my butthole um you turn the bidet on like while you're shitting i don't know why that's so funny to me it's pushing it back up in your butt just watering your logs like a water logs it's getting waterlogged just a weird fucking what lumberjack no so explain to me why she's right because it's stinky i think it's situational there's certain there's certain poops i just put a w in there poops there's certain there's certain poops that that that are so bad that i do and i i'm not a stranger to the courtesy flush i've done it i've done it logan get the fuck in here yeah man courtesy flush you in yes okay but but i mean okay i feel like different people shit

in different ways like for me is this a doctor seuss book yeah if this dude's going in there and he's letting like a fucking toilet bowl full just a full and then just camping for 20 minutes, leaving it, that's a different story. Just blowing mud. Yeah. But if I know, okay, I've got two,

like you said, mains. If I've got an A main and then a B main, I'll definitely flush the A main before I drop the B main. But yeah, I guess it's situational. If you know you're going to be on the toilet for more than fucking 10 minutes, let that first dunk go.

I'm on the toilet for more than 10 minutes every time. I'm sitting in there playing games. Because you're avoiding your family. Yes, exactly. When you become a parent, you do anything just to get away for a minute. That's a parent. Apparently. Here's where I stand on this. Here's where I sit on this. You also stand

away. Yeah, I do. You're stand a wipe, so. Where is it? Yeah, I do. Fucking. You're goddamn right, and I'll die on that. Fucking hell. You'll die fucking standing up. Fall over, you fucking weirdo. Here's my sits on this. Not my stance, my sits.

Gotcha. First of all, I want to see the final creation. Oh, like it's a big painting? Yeah. Like, I'm going to sign Bob Ross that shit. Like, if i know it's gonna be a doozy and i flush the first half i don't get to i don't get to look back and enjoy like a triple corner it's like the tom hay the castaway look what i have created right i have

created yeah but if i flush the first half it's not that impressive yeah i just thought of a funny idea two ways to look at this number one paint by numbers toilet paper doesn't exist that's funny other one is have a toilet uh have a toilet that has paint by numbers like engraved on the bowl yeah and so you just kind of if you spray paint in the right direction you guys kind of point you just angle around point your pop around poop around and paint a horse i mean if you're gonna i'm surprised we don't have some like like everything has to be turned into something that's entertaining, you know? Honey!

Come take a look at this! Yeah. Are you trying to paint a beautiful sunset? Dude, I've taken so many pictures of shits. When I was in college, we started a website called turdconnoisseur.com. No! And we would send, like, on... We had our Brown Fridays.

It was Thanksgiving. Everyone would send their shits in at brown fridays it was the thanksgiving everyone would send their shits in we put up on the website we had all sorts of we had like mount turds more we had everything that's so funny that's so good so like it's all about the creation it's all but also okay so that's just a ridiculous some people think that's ridiculous some people love it but here's a here's a thing that i think it just kind of makes sense guys dangle balls so if you flush is that a dodgeball if you've got the ball danglers if you've got balls that dangle yeah and so if you're in there shitting and then you flush if you have got like one of those toilets it's like like an airplane toilet yeah it's it shoots water

up and now you're getting poop water on your balls fuck yeah so you know they call that lube baby so i mean for sanitary reasons then now i'm staying now i have to get up off the toilet and you're already standing to wipe yeah but i don't want to stand if i wipe at the end i don't used to doing squats i don't want to stand up and smush it on my cheeks and then make my job harder at the end. Just fucking poopy squats over here. Look at you. Brian poopy squats all around. Are you fucking happy with yourself?

Like, what do you want? What if I'm working out? I don't want to be freaking... Have my balls wet? Yeah. He's like, what a gym shirt that would be. Running on the treadmill with just poopy mudy mud water your shirt says here to work out without my balls being wet i came here to work out and all i got was this shitty t-shirt i got these shitty balls uh okay let's look at some good news real quick you ready so i think i'm right

it doesn't matter all right roll logan crazy fair so you're telling me there's a chance hooray we aren't doomed yeah god damn dude i'm having fun it's a fun episode yeah so hooray we're not doomed and i think we're actually because of time limits we have some good stuff i'm not going to get to it after this because i don't want to rush the back end of this episode and we'll just carry it over to episode eight okay but we're going to do uh we'll episode eight. Okay. But we're going to do, we'll give you some happy news, then we're going to get right to some listener emails, then we'll wrap it up for this week,

because something I found on the internet deserves more time, and I don't want to squish it in here on the back end of this, okay? Oh, yeah. So here's some good news. Woman discovers the vintage skates she bought online belonged to her 40 years ago. Wow.

Can you imagine this shit? I'm putting myself in her shoes, her skates. You had me rolling with that one. Backwards. Tricks. Put the brakes on this joke. Toe heel. Toe drag.

While growing up in Nova Scotia, Renee Forrestal loved roller skating, enjoying the peace and quiet that came as she sped around and passed the waterfront. She sold her beloved skates 40 years ago during a yard sale, but always regretted it. So to celebrate her 60th birthday, she recently decided to pick up the hobby and go skating once again. As she explained on TikTok, good for her fucking just popping back on TikTok at 60. Yeah, it's not for kids.

Forrestal didn't like the new skates that she bought and after returning them, set off to find some vintage skates. She began browsing online and discovered a pair of old skates that had just been put up for sale two hours earlier. The seller wasn't sure of the size, but Forrestal liked them

and looked at them. They looked just like their original pair that she had and she bought them. When they arrived at her home, it was a Cinderella slipper moment,

she told Today. It soon became clear why they fit her perfectly. Her name was written inside each skate. She couldn't believe it that her old skates had found their way back

to her four decades later. It reeled me right back to my youth, Forrestal said. How fucking... That's pretty cool. God, that'd be a trip. And I don't know where she bought them from. I don't know how far they traveled. They could have been on like Facebook market.

Same town. For all I know, it could have been her mom made her buy them back. I don't fucking know for sure. But I love the idea of just... Like you lose touch with these things as you just grow up and you grow older like i mean for me personally right now i've lost touch with music i don't fucking make music anymore i haven't for years uh but i do plan on eventually getting back into it yeah we're starting a band uh country band yep parked there by the lake um but if i sold my

music equipment or like one of my favorite guitars and and I was like, I need the money right now. And I got rid of my custom tailor and just fucking took off. And then, sorry, I got the hiccups. Jesus Christ. I know. Fuck off, man. And then 40 years later, I bought the same guitar. I was like, oh, my God, I wanted to have a guitar just like that.

And I bought my own guitar back at 60. You're like, fuck, I still can't play this one. Oh, my God, I'm still terrible. Still bad. Oh, wow. Who tuned this thing?, I still can't play this one. Oh my God, I'm still terrible. You're still bad. Oh wow, who tuned this thing? It hasn't been tuned in 40 years. It's perfectly in tune. I didn't tune it back.

Me, me, me, me, me. Me, me, me, me, me. It's still the same tuning as it was back then, not in tune. It's in drop A sharp. Yeah, you're playing Slipknot. Actually, this is a funny, and it's not that funny.

If you're a musician, you might find this entertaining. But my acoustic song, for every song that i wrote for moretta my hardcore band i would say 99 of them i wrote on an acoustic guitar so my acoustic guitar is in drop a that's insane a flat and it has acoustic 64 gauge strings how does it stay in tune i just adjusted my guitar because i'm not a fucking idiot brian oh anyway you can do that yeah you can loosen the neck and make sure it doesn't ruin it did you know how to do anything no no no so you just loosen that up so it doesn't bend it and fucking break it but it's

so funny anyone else playing it you tune it up to a normal like key signature like i don't know fucking standard and you play it and they are so tight you're like Jesus Christ you have to like push your fingers as hard as you can into the neck to hit the fretboard because the strings

are so big you're going to have to show this to me okay play me a song I don't know how to play music anymore I want you to play me

like a folk song in drop A play me out baby it's like you and me going fishing in the dark but it's just like you and me going fishing in the dark but it's just like you and me

going fishing in the dark fishing in the dark cutting the stars I want to hear a full hardcore like a metal band with just acoustic guitars

but still growling pig squealing and everything but it's acoustic guitars it exists let's write that it's out there no it's not we're doing it

what? we're starting it we're gonna do it and then you'll look it up and realize. What? We're starting it. We're going to do it. And then you'll look it up and realize it exists. But we'll do that after the show. We'll do it better. That's fine. See, I'm on board.

So I know how you feel about this stuff because I actually keep, I've kept so much of the stuff that I had as a kid and I'm so glad I did. I just threw away my childhood cleats. Yeah, that was dumb. My baseball cleats. Yeah, that was dumb. I still have my first. They had Paisley on the back and everything. I still my first mitt baseball mitt that i had harold reynolds who

played with the mariners in the 80s one of my first mariners games i went i still have that mitt and you can still see like a subtle i know um and i just kept it all and everyone thought i was like just get rid of this stuff i'm like no And now I have a room that I have. I have all my childhood posters, so many toys, my Hot Wheels, my micro machines. And then my kids have destroyed them. I kept them pristine. I picture you going out now playing men's league or like adult softball. And you have the same glove you had when you were nine. It's a tiny fucking thing.

It's sentimental. Put it it's give him the heat burger a big old softball with a tiny mitt you better off catching with your bare hands it's all you do anyway you just keep tapping your fucking tiny ass glove yeah just like all get ready for the fall. You got me. Hey, badda, badda. Hey, badda, badda. Swing. It's a tiny ass glove. Is that Kermit could wear?

I'm going to play left field. No badda. No badda. Somebody said I sounded like Kermit. They said I sound like a cross between John C. Reilly and Kermit. I can see it a little bit. I can hear it. I got a little Harold Ramis going on.

That's so funny. Hey, guys. Hey, welcome to Can You Don't, guys. Welcome to the show. Hey, Biggie. You know what? I'm going to fuck me Miss Biggie tonight, boy. I feel like some bacon tonight, guys.

How's that Kermit impression? Not bad. Gotta work on it. It sounds good in my ears. I bet it does. Because that's how you sound normally. It kind of sounds like going... Wow, I sound just like Kermit.

I'm sweaty. God damn. Oh, I'm having fun this episode. All right, so Logan, you got that. We're skipping ahead to the emails. You got it? Let's fucking do it if you got it. God damn. Oh, I'm having fun this episode. All right, so Logan, you got that. We're skipping ahead to the emails. You got it? Let's fucking do it if you got it. Roll it.

Oh, fuck. Logan's jerking off out there. I was like, I was like, I tried to like paint it out the best I could. I was like, and what we're going to do is we're going to skip the next segment. He's trying to get Logan. You look how sweaty you are. Look at your shirt. I don't give a fuck.

I've been laughing so hard. You're wearing a white shirt. You escaped. Because I'm plain white tees. Logan, play this shit whenever you got it. Logan, are you alive? Hey, guys. Hey, guys.

Hey, guys. Hey, guys. Hey, Logan. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow.

That's cool. It is like a... How many Wonders of the World are there? How many Wonders of the World? Eight. Cool. The ninth Wonder is how this room goes from cold to fucking... No, the ninth Wonder is China.

Oh. What? From wrestling? China? Nope. The wrestler? No, you're a wrestling fucking guy. You have to start your own subgroup.

Yeah. Yeah, wrestling subgroup. Yeah. Yeah, wrestling subgroup. Let's do it. All right. Fuck yeah, dude. All right, drag it into the show, baby. So we got two pretty short emails to get through today, but both are fucking amazing. This first email is coming in from our son, Connor, who ran away years ago and lives in

a tent on the edge of the neighborhood. I know that area. I know. He goes, hey guys, loyal dummy and now loyal son, Connor. I just listened to episode five of the story of a dad throwing his daughter into a ceiling fan and decided to share this little story with my adopted dads. Oh, Connor. God, it's good to hear from you, man.

You're our favorite, Connor. How'd you get a phone? Is it a burner? One time when I was five, I had a toy plane and was running down the hall making my plane fly. Quote, end quote. Well, my dad was and is pretty is a pretty ripped guy and so so was his friend who was there at the time my dad picked me up and threw me down i heard that as he was getting ripped oh like high guy yeah so but he's

high as fuck he's strong and his friend and his friend are both strong guys okay my dad picked me up and threw me down our 15 footfoot hallway to his friend who caught me, and then he threw me back. They did this for about three minutes without issue until my dad threw me into the ceiling halfway across. My head and back went through the ceiling. Oh, my God. God, fucking roids. Roid rage.

Come on, son. I'll make you a plane. I'll make you winner yet. I'll make you a pilot. I'll make you winner yet. I'll make you a pilot. Get the fuck over here. Or a stunt devil. Right. No license needed.

So he went through the ceiling and fell headfirst into the floor. I was in no pain and didn't even cry until my dad came rushing up to me and realized I was supposed to be crying. He took me to the hospital. I was put in a neck and chest chest cast i hope this story was entertaining fucking cliffhanger like he's writing this by voice yeah like that would be the worst he's like anyway uh steve hawking he has never thrown me down a hallway again like anyway i have no use of any lens right have it hope you guys found this story very funny. That's why the grammar's bad, because it's dictated. I hope this story was entertaining for y'all, because it certainly is for me.

My dad still feels guilty after all these years. Because he was high as shit. Dude, I love y'all and hope to see our old dad, Dan, on show for a bonus episode soon. That'd be a lot of fun. That'd be fun. Keep up the good work, Connor. God damn, dude. Can you imagine throwing your kid hard enough?

You have to whip. I mean, you can imagine throwing your kid into a lamp. Yeah. Or like a nightstand. Maybe. So you get kind of. I mean, I get it. I get how it happens.

Yeah. And one is like, don't fucking wake me up. But in this case, it looks like everyone participating was awake and aware. And it was consensual. Consensual. Consensual roof throwing. Okay, so our second piece of mail here is coming in from Stepson Ziggy, who fell asleep on the school bus and never came back home.

They write, hey, it's Dummy Z. Kip it up. You make work bearable. So I was a manager at McDonald's on the night shift when I was 21. I took a lot of pride in being the youngest manager at the time and having the highest income store in was 21. I took a lot of pride in being the youngest manager at the time and having the highest income store in the country. County.

I was like, fuck Z. County, sorry. One night I went into the freezer because it was hot as balls. God, I wish I could go to a fucking freezer right now. And found an employee wiping his ass with a bun. Like, can you just don't? Oh, good drop good drop baby not knowing what to

do i locked him in the freezer and called the cops here's where this shit irks me turned out he did it because his ex-girlfriend and her new man were ordering it was disgusting and i was pissed a week later i was fired because of their quote isn't a good enough reason to ever lock an employee in a freezer for an hour? Please yell, Logan! For me. Love all the work you guys do. Jeez, man. Could you imagine like the deposition?

Your honor. You're explaining like why you did it. Or Z sends us in for a petty beef. Yeah. I was fired. Yeah. For locking someone in a freezer. Who was going to do what with the buns

uh he wiped it on his ass right to sell to his ex and then her new boyfriend so we're just gonna look past that i know uh but from like a legal standpoint they both are probably they both probably should have if he would have said they like the other guy kept his job because he didn't technically do it because he got locked in a freezer. He was going to do it, but he didn't do it. But he didn't. Right. So it's all circumstantial evidence. Circumcision.

Circumcision. Circumcision evidence. Circumcision. It's the skin. The skin of the teeth. He got it by the skin of his penis. Skin of his penis. Circumcision evidence, baby.

He got off by the skin of his penis. Fucking skinned it out baby that's why they call it skin flu right what nailed it um that's that's it i think it's fucking blew my mind um well i'm sorry you got fired good job being the best in the world i think is what it said best highest selling restaurant in the world yeah that's impressive is what i heard called galaxy i'm going back right now yeah highest yeah highest sales in the entire galaxy so that's something that's impressive i was gonna make a milky way joke

you're like how do i tie a candy bar in this fucking story and then i realized i couldn't i was like i guess like just hitting all the vowels yeah sometimes um okay logan i love you buddy thanks thanks for killing today man producing the merch yeah go check out the new merch right now at canyoudontpodcast.com. If you want to see Japanese porn, you can go to canyoudont.com. Don't go there. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram. God damn, we need some more followers.

Where the fuck are you guys? Can You Don't Podcast. Search for it on Instagram and Facebook. Of course, we've got the Patreon. Make sure to like and review the show. Or don't. Or do. Or, well, if you hate it, don't want to point you there.

It's going to sting. Yeah. But if you enjoy the show, head on over there. And don't do any of this three-star as a joke. Give us five stars. And then do the three-star joke. And then make the three-star joke, but then actually give us a five. I know.

We got dropped down. We have a couple people that were like, best podcast I've ever heard, three out of five stars, and then gave us three. Yeah yeah they thought it was funny i was like no that doesn't help no you're killing us bro yeah just write that in the comments write it in the comment but right yeah absolutely maybe they thought it was three though yeah i mean they can go back and change it you can do that yeah do it go back and change it you fucking asshole stupid kid and then sign up for patreon thank you everybody who is supporting us right now the link is in the episode description um that's 100 the way you can make sure this show

keeps going if it's something you want to see on the show email that into can you don't podcast sorry hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and then we're just gonna wrap this shit up right now because we're going we're going pretty long i thought you were showing your nipples what are you doing huh i can oh no no oh you don't want i'm not paying you to okay uh logan wrap it up baby good god wrap it up already huh are you ready for this one yeah because i do enjoy this one it's a fact that i think that you being an animal lover and a fucker you being an animal fucker i mean lover lover uh this was sent in by our 875th smartest our smartest daughter melissa are you ready to her i know she's moving

up she is did you know this blew my fucking mind did you know a male giraffe will continuously headbutt the female in the bladder until she urinates the male then tastes the pee and that helps him determine whether the female is ovulating he's like hey dude can you imagine if we did that if you were like you're like hey are you serious about having a baby yeah just fucking just kneel down and headbutt her in the fucking bladder i know sometimes like we'll be laying in bed and my wife will be like, I gotta pee, but I don't want to get up. And I'll start pushing on her bladder. Get out of here.

But imagine she does that and I followed her into the bathroom and started lapping it up while she was pissing. Are you ready? Are you ready for me? God. What a weird thing, man. Well, I guess I'm not going back to sleep.

Oh, I guess you're not ready. Do I not turn you on? You keep saying you want more kids. Clearly you don't. You're wiping piss off your mustache. Can you imagine? You're just going, what, you don't find me attractive anymore? You're wiping her piss off your face.

Wiping piss off your face. Man. I don't do it for you anymore but on the ground level pretty smart yeah pretty smart if there's something animals know it's in their dna man they know what to do other people aren't doing it so giraffes are either ahead of the game or fucking way behind humans are such prudes all right i want to suck your piss what all right logan we'll see you guys next week. Wrap it up, baby! All right!