Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Lumber. Newspaper. Facebook. Sex On Me.

Episode Date: February 7, 2024

Why isn't there a store on the planet where it's socially acceptable to just yell out the item you can't locate? Why must we wondering around until we see an employee in a nicely colored vest? Let's talk about that, chain smoking cigarettes while running a marathon, a disagreement in the family about posting family photos on social media, maybe the greatest/worst song ever written which includes maybe the greatest/worst drum fill ever written, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/NDcbiwUqKGESend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Lumber, newspaper, Facebook, sex on me. I think we gotta just cut this, cut this show right off the menu, Brian Yep, gotta 86 it 86 it Is that like cool police talk? No, that's chef talk Chef talk There's no police involved in an 86?

God damn it I forgot to put my gloves on I don't know, is that a Is that a police? There's gotta be a police call We gotta 86 them Or whatever No, 187 is what you're thinking I don't know. Is that a police? There's got to be a police call. We got an 86 or whatever. No, 187 is what you're thinking.

Murder. Oh. Right? Murder is the case that they... It's like when there's been a murder, they say there's been a 187. 187, yeah. Yeah, there was a movie called 187 with Samuel L. Jackson back in the... Is that Ice Cube? 187 on a motherfucking cop?

18... No, that's fucking Sublime, dude. Oh, yeah. 187 on a motherfucking... Why do I hear it in Ice Cube 187 on a motherfucking cop? No, that's fucking Sublime, dude. 187 on a motherfucking cop. Why do I hear it in Ice Cube's voice? Let's fuck the police. It's all mushed up today. Oh, well. Death kill 187.

Yeah, okay, all right. Got it. But no, Vaseline. What are you touching over there? What are you doing? This is a candy bar. Okay. Then we got?

Oh, yeah. It was sent in from Brian and Carissa. All children. Thank you so much. That is literally the loudest wrapper. It really is. It's because it's an old candy bar. What does it say on the front?

It says, wishing you the hap-hap-happiest Christmas. It's Christmas vacation themed. That is so ridiculous. That's so funny. When did that movie come out? It was 89. 89. And they also sent us this goose skull.

We have it resting on top of our figurines right now. That's a real goose skull? That's a real goose skull. Did they murder it? I don't know. They 187 it? 187 on a motherfucking goose? Well, they 86 it off the menu, too.

Yep. Yep. Thank you guys so much. If you guys want to send stuff in, Beak! 187 it? 187 on a motherfucking goose? Well, they 86'd it off the menu, too. Thank you guys so much. If you guys want to send stuff in... Beak! What? They said a duck? Beak! If you want to send stuff in, you'll find a link to our... or actually, just our P.O. box. Dude, I cannot over this fucking wrapper.

What's up? Is it good? You just took a bite? It's kind of like a crunch bar. You want to try it? Nah, I'll try it later. I'm going to get all cotton mouthy. You have a coffee over there. I do not. Maybe we should do a podcast instead. Yeah, that might be good.

Oh, holy shit. Come on, bitch. Oh, fucking Zach. Coming in with the jokes. I wonder if she explains everything to Brian. What do you? Oh, right. Do you think Carissa explains it all?

Yeah. Except her name was Clarissa, wasn't it? As soon as I said it, I was like. That's wrong. Her name was Clarissa, not Carissa. I mean, I was close enough. Yeah. But the P.O. box is linked in the episode description if you want to send stuff in.

Thanks to everybody who does send it in. Because we have lots of cards and everything. Oh, we have so much. So many things. And we continue to decorate Zach's cave. The old Zach cave. I have a quick Switchblade update. Jesus Christ.

I wish I was kidding. I truly wish I was kidding, you guys. At this point, it does feel like I'd be like, what can we bring back into the show? What was a really funny thing that we did? it does feel like i'd be just being like ma what can we bring back into the show what was this like what was a really funny thing that we did let me read the text that you sent me first before you tell the story okay um fuck where is it oh fuck my ass what else do you know what what you said uh something you're not gonna believe what i did it was something about the fuck

i wasn't prepared. Anyway, so I... Last second trip, and that's the only thing I'm going to say as a qualifier, where I had about 20 minutes to pack and get out of the house, and I was heading over to Seattle. You fucking didn't. And... Don't worry.

Don't worry. I mean, I'm happy I didn't get in trouble. But I showed up to the airport, and I got my TSA pre-check. And so I have to, like, take got my TSA pre-check and, uh, so I have to like take my, my shoes out or shoes off and my things out of my bag and whatever TSA pre-check does for you to speed things up. And I'm standing there and it's not a popular time to be in the Spokane, the Spokane international airport. Cause you have one flight to canada like is that why it's anyway so i'm standing there and i got i tapped my pockets one last time and it's just me no one else is going through tsa to embarrass embarrass anybody else just just just a guy and apparently his switchblade

just a guy in his switchblade? Yeah. And I'm standing there and I do a little tap in my pockets before I walk through by myself with no one else in there through the metal detector and I tap it and I go, oh my god. And the guy's just like, he's doing this number? It was in your pocket though? Yeah, well it was hooked onto my pocket.

There's no excuse for you. Well, kinda. I was in a rush. I literally had 20 minutes to pack my shit and get to the airport. my pocket i just there's no excuse for you well kind of no i was in a rush i guess pack i literally had 20 minutes to pack my shit and get to the airport why did you only have 20 minutes because it was a last second choice it was a last second thing and i you know flying standby and taking off and head over to seattle so i do all this shit and i pack it up and i run out and i get there and i'm standing there and he's waving me through and i do a little tap and i go no no no oh my god dude and i go oh one second and i just turn around and pull it out of my you know off the my pocket hook and i just throw out the trash can and i walk back and he just

waves me again and i was like please don't go look in that trash can and he didn't here's the nothing happened you like, guess what I had to throw away last second while padding my pockets down before going through TSA. Yeah. And I was just right. I just wrote back, no way. No fucking way, dude. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. And then you didn't respond. You didn't have to. No, you knew exactly. I can't believe you did it again. Here we are. We've joked about it how many times? If you're a man in the Pacific Northwest, the chances you have a pocket knife. So just throwing away a pocket knife.

You're going to an airport, which you've already been in trouble twice. Yeah. Last second thing. I don't know what to tell you. Yeah. Okay. If that helps you sleep. Yeah.

Well, I think I'm just going to not get another one and just move on with my life and I'll be a switch. No, you need to get the fucking Crocodile Dundee size knife now. think i'm just gonna not get another one and just move on with my life and i'll be a switch no you need to get the fucking uh crocodile dundee size knife now so when you bend over it's like jab it into your gut you're like there's no way that you're gonna let it like it kind of acts as a splint down my thigh a little bit okay so like there's no way like i have mine right now but it's small enough to where i can maneuver around, you know? Yeah.

So cool, isn't it? Yeah, I get it. Maybe you need to go back to that size. No. In this situation, I didn't even think about it. I was just like, oh, shit. Like, I called, like, I ordered an Uber, like, basically while I was packing my backpack. Do you leave your knife in your pants?

Yeah. Okay. It just always hooked onto my pants. See, I take, do you wear the same pair of pants every day? Yeah. It just always hooked onto my pants. You wear the same pair of pants every day? No. But if I switch things out, I just grab everything and put it on the bed and then pants go and I put it and I attach

everything back to the same pants. I pop mine off right in the door. I put my wallet, house key and knife in the little thing right at the door. So when I leave off when i leave i just pop it back on my pants so maybe they change my ways yeah but it usually just stays on yeah not maybe like not crazy for me to wear the same pair of pants three days in a row no i

no i i i pooped in pants yesterday yeah and um sent you a picture of it and uh i washed them in the shower because i had to get in the shower you wash them in the shower yeah so i put them in there with me and wash them with some soap and then uh i love i love how we just went from like you're like you fucking idiot anyway yesterday i shit my pants nonchalant yeah he's like you're so fucking stupid dude anyway yesterday so i shit my pants and send a picture to you about it and then then I saw I just got the shower and washed my fucking pants and underwear. Okay. Now I feel like I got to tell the story.

I think you do. So I was eating pizza and then it was like, you know, like. End of story. It was like, oh. You can kind of feel that hot butt, you know, like, oh my. Yeah. And then I was having lunch with a friend. We don't see each other very

often so i was like i'll stick out a little bit longer chat and stuff and then i was like all right dude we gotta go and then so i get in the car i'm like whoo and driving home it's that thing where you're like you're like lifting your butt off the seat trying to relieve any sort of pressure doing that the entire way home and then on the stretch stretch to home, it's like, Oh, I was like, Oh boy, boy, boy, boy,

boy. Could feel like some air starting to come out, you know, pulling the driveway. And it's like, I can feel it like starting to like in the cheeks. Like, Oh my God,

I got to clinch this off. And I get out and like to walk in the house, do the key. And as I'm walking every step, it's going, it's spitting a little bit out. And then I get in there, pull the pants down sit down and it's it's like it was bottled up my butt so it was like dripping down onto the floor because it was wet and it's so it dripped all over my underwear and my floor

pants and the floor yeah and the floor yeah i saw that in the picture so then when i so then after i used i sprayed with a bidet and then got up to wipe it. And it was like it touched my butt with toilet paper. It was just everywhere. I'm like, that's not a wipe option. Like you could sit down and do an inkblot test. Yes. It was that kind of splatter.

Is that a butterfly? Yeah. It was like, what kind of psychopath image can you see in there? Weird enough, it was pizza. Yeah. And so then I had to, I was like, I don't want to get this everywhere. So I had to squat down and do the stinky penguin and like lift the pants over the, you know, shoes and everything, get them off, kind of set those off.

I threw them into the shower and then took the other clothes off, threw them outside the bathroom, climbed in the shower and did a rinse off and then then grabbed the pants and did a little scrub like the old school. I don't know why it was so funny describing when you were walking into the house, it was spitting a little bit out. It was. So I guess picture a cowboy with a butthole for a mouth. Except he was missing the spitter. But just a butthole mouth on a cowboy.

Some fucking hard-nosed cowboy But just a butthole mouth on a cowboy. Some fucking hard-nosed cowboy. Talking through a butthole. I came here to get your money. Just a butthole mouth. Oh, that's wild. Butthole cowboy. Oh, man. I almost shit my pants yesterday, too.

That would have been wild. Well, I was going to send you the picture, and then I didn't get around to it. And then you said something about poop, and I'm like, oh I'm like, oh yeah, I'm going to send you this. Here, check this out. I couldn't even look. That was the emergency I was in while I was driving. And an hour later you're like, ha ha, what an idiot. At least I didn't do that.

Yeah. At least I didn't shit on my switchblade. Okay, before we get into the show, we do have to show off some amazing fan art sent in by our son Kiefer. He writes, hey, daddies. After you made me piss myself laughing with all the talk of dog babies and dresses, I had to draw out this work of art, he put in quotes, for not just you guys, not just myself, but the world.

Downtown world. I hope you all love it and spot the two hidden references in the picture at the picture, have great vacations and keep, uh, and keep me having to drive around with an extra pair of pants. Love you guys. Check this out. So if you're watching on the,

on the YouTube version, you can see it, but God, how fun is this? So Zach, uh, being the giant, he is, has the scat cast you can see it. But, how fun is this? So, Zach, being the giant he is, has the Scatcast sweatshirt on. I think that's the one little... I love it.

And his head's blasting out of the top of the cop car. I didn't realize that he was in the cop car with me. I thought he was standing on the other side. I just caught it with Zach when I was showing him before we recorded. Those are my knees. Yeah, I see it now. And then you're in there and you look like a tiny little baby. And there's me getting arrested.

In a dress. In a dress by the cops. Probably with a dick in your butt. And then the police sleeve has the Can You Don't logo on it. That's well done. I don't know how we don't make this into a scat card. Sorry. Cards, cards, cards.

Yeah, you can. You can just immediately like, how do I make this into... Cards, cards, cards. How do i make this into yeah how do i put this into a pack of cards well maybe we'll have to share this on the socials um good good render renderings of it's just it's just really good good job keifer love that love that so much yeah all right let's jump into the show. Let's fucking roll. Fucking do it. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already.

This one's a little wordy, but it's a fun one to think about. It's sent in by our son, Zach, not with a Q. That's the producer. A CK? A CK, though, which feels a little more rare than a CH. Right? Doesn't it? Zachary, I think, is a little more rare.

People like Zach now with a K. Really? They're goofy now. Zach isn't as popular. I'll take it from a Zach with a Q. I'll take your expertise on this one, my friend. Would you rather have unlimited money, basically a bank account that never emptied,

but for every dollar you spend, one person randomly dies. You don't have to do the deed, but if you go out for dinner, spend $100, as soon as you pay, 100 people fall over dead. There's an estimated 8 plus billion people, or a little under 157,000

football fields, which I appreciate that conversion. On Earth, so the chances that you know one of them aren't great, but they aren't zero. That's true. Or you get 500 million, but every $500 you spend, one person

of your choosing gets brutally murdered. Jesus Christ. Think like the toy box killer mixed with albert fish mixed with the kansas city butcher as for the one are the uh one million chosen victims you have to know on a first name basis but they don't have to know you so you have to do like a little like a little research to figure out what's going on here uh you do have a small loophole of studying shitty people until you know them all well enough and then you get to pick them by the way that's about the population of seattle or the entire population of the state of idaho i think what i

would do is i would just look up like the flat earth society and just go through all the members something like that and just be like yep you can go yeah james john kelly chelsea frank eliminate that just get that out of here yeah it's a funny thought i like that i mean easy done move on i mean a couple like if you choose the first option by the time you spent like one million dollars you've killed the same amount of people as the second option so that's one thing to think about. But the legwork, man. Like, sitting around when... That's your day job now. Yeah, like, thinking about...

That would fuck with your mind. Well, you don't have another day job, so what else are you going to do? Because you got all that money. True. You don't need to work no more. I don't know. I feel like I would use that money...

I would make it like a part of the podcast. Like, we would have a voting. Everyone, you'd let someone choose somebody. Yeah, I guess every week you're like, hey, we're going to spend this much money on advertising. We have to figure out 30 people we're going to kill. Yeah, we're going to kill 30 people. Yeah, right in here. Everyone nominate a person.

Nominate one person you want to die to help us grow the podcast I mean that would help so it's not us making the decision outsource it I mean it says you have to know them on a first name basis but that's not hard go through a phone book

I would pick all Zach's with a C-H thank you just kidding you Pick all Zach's with a C-H. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. So I'll make sure we put that in there. Just kidding. You. Go to a big nursing home or something and get the database and just start offing old people.

Just because your fucking family's not in it? You wouldn't have a hard time sleeping? Just offing an entire nursing? I don't know if my bed is really soft. What? Depends on how comfortable my bed is. Whether I'll be able to sleep or not like i don't know i take sleeping pills i can pass right out yeah how much melatonin that would buy like i don't know i'll be over it when i have fifty thousand dollars to spend on dinner next i'm sure there's a lot of old people out there i mean kevorkian made a living off killing old people right because they

wanted to die. Or not just old people, anybody. Like, anybody that wants to die. Dr. Death. That's what I would do. I'd put a post out into the world and say, is there anybody that wants to die? They could sponsor a Super Bowl ad. Right.

Yeah, exactly. Like, call this number or email this if you want to die. Like, if you're cool with dying. The commercial? Yeah. It's just like, do you want to die? No. Or do you know somebody who should die? Yeah.

Who has methylcelioma? Methylcelioma and wants to die. And it's like, we are serious. Do not text this number if you are not serious about killing this person. Paid for by Ken, you don't podcast. Yeah. Whatever. We're like like i endorse this message just you and i yeah with fingers leather gloves on they're like what the fuck did i just watch we i know these guys are serious look at their gloves i think we should make a real commercial

for killing people no well no just a commercial in general like that and see if we could get anybody like see if anybody donates then we're like okay we you weed out the people that like these people want to kill somebody man you oh like like hire like hitmanforhire.com yeah but we don't actually kill them yeah we just suck the people in and then we kill them so that's the 500 million you get up front but every 500 is one person oh man i mean just based off just living expenses let's say i don't know like we're i mean all we can do is based off of where we live i I'm sure you can make 500 million work. No, that's not what I'm saying.

Jesus. I was calculating how many people you have to kill per month. Ah. I'm sure you can make 500 million work. It's just not enough. I don't know, dude. Or you get the inflation. Unlimited money.

But for every dollar you spend, there's no way. Like, you go buy a like a brand new lambo like a half a million dollar lamborghini and just knowing that you killed half a million people no i mean there's let's be honest there's money's just not that important to me so i like the first option i don't even know i couldn't even do it that's fucking crazy like there's i mean well you kill all the people that the people that die it's just random people in the first one but you have all you have unlimited money so you're just killing and ruining everybody's life every time you buy anything if you build a big enough bubble around yourself and don't know the people are that are dying and stuff i'm

sure you could yeah but you still risk it like just because you're playing the odds you mean your family and friends yeah yeah with the first option but you can spend as much as it depends on how much of a psychopath you are just the the concept you have an annoying family the irony of like you spend money you accidentally kill one of your best friends and then you kill more people by paying for their funeral yeah because that would set off a wildfire right yeah people dying yeah i think i have to go with i have to go with option two if those are my only two options i'll take 500 million 500 bucks spent of course there's also like take 500 you can take a large chunk of the money right and you can invest it so you have to kill some people out the gate

but then just the interest you make off the money you put in loophole lonnie over here just that's a real thing though loophole lonnie trying to get away trying to get around this thing yeah you can invest a bunch of money. So you're like, okay, well, I'm going to have to kill 2 million people or whatever it is. But if you only spend the interest, then that's kind of a safe play. All the money you make off of that, that's what you get to spend. I don't know. It's going to be a slow build, though.

You're back to, I don't know, depends on what you get lucky with your investments but i'm gonna go to 500 people so wait do we have to pick one of these or can we pick none of them well that's not how would you rather work okay um so like i don't know i have to murder somebody right like that's that's what i'm asking like it's not a choice so i have to murder somebody i'm to go with the second option. So one person every $500, and you have to figure it out. Yeah, but the way that I'm going to do it is I'm going to look up a section of people that can afford to die. Like maybe death row people or something. People are going to die anyway.

Maybe look up some warlords or something first. Yeah, but there's only so many. Fair. I mean, think about it. How many warlords are there? There's a lot of henchmen. Come on. Well, I mean, let's just even go on the upper side and say there's 5,000 warlords.

Five warlords. How are there 5,000 warlords? I'm just going way up. The leader is the warlord. Everyone below that's the minions, right? There's only so many warlords. It's a going way up. The leader's the warlord. Everyone below that's the minions, right? There's only so many warlords. It's a pretty fucked up world, actually. Yeah, but how many countries

can actually say that they can go out and cause some war? Warlords are usually regional or local. Like, are the higher-ups in a gang considered a warlord? Could be. Okay. Alright. But you're also killing them, and you don't know how they got there. Like are the higher ups in a gang considered a warlord? Could be Okay alright But you're also killing them and like you don't know how they got there

It's gonna fuck with your brain picking that shit out You do a lot of bad research Like you said we have to do it right You gotta pick one or the other You gotta pick one so the chances that you kill somebody that's good At least they're higher But here's the thing 500 bucks isn't much

Every time you pay your rent you have to kill four people who's to say you get to choose who's who's naughty or nice yeah so the santa claus is like i wish it was this way i wish it was this easy i had a whole list of fucking naughties i hate printing this shit out you know how many sheets of paper for the naughty list i fucking waste the year Just go to a church that everyone believes they're going to heaven Well yeah, just kill them out And just kill them because you're doing them a favor, right?

And you're also getting that new fucking Maserati Fair, alright Option number two And not just Christian people. I'm talking about Muslims, everyone. Everything. They're waiting to go. They're waiting for their virgins.

Right. How many is it? 20-something? 70. 20-some-odd virgins? 20-some-odd virgins. Isn't it 72 or something? 72, yeah.

That is so many. It's so specific. why do you need is this the guy he's writing it down he's like he's like he's like i don't know he's like 65 he's like i don't think that's enough he's like 66 like you go back and look at the original transcript it's just like the the whiteout stack is like half an inch off the paper. He's like 72. He's like, I could fuck it. I feel like I could do 72. He's like, how many versions are there?

One? No, that's not enough. Two? Nah. Nah. Not for me. All the way to... Been there, done that.

Someone came along and just was like, all right, dude, grab the cheat. That's how they got to 72. He's like, what's your favorite number? 72. He's like, 72. All right. Period. 72 verges. I'm going to do a quick Google. All right. right so we're all picking option two or i'll pick an option two zach okay all option two let's move off to what are you thinking about

and then brian's doing his research on how many versions you can fuck roll it hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about now i know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? I'm thinking about how many virgins I've fucked. That's a lot of mothers-in-laws, too. I think one. That's a lot of mothers-in-law?

72 virgins, that's 72 mother-in-laws. That's a lot of mother-in-laws. That's a lot of calls. Checking in, seeing how things are going. Could all be nuns to you never know. Ooh Talk about not a lot of virgins these days. It's a lot of boring sex Here's the missionary position. I want none of it Here's a quick thing. No, I'm just wrote we move on really quick thing like I

Get the idea of one to have sex with a version because it's it's pure and all that but like oh it's fucking so tight dude yeah but like uh is it fun i don't know like if you're gonna do like it's probably more than 72 porn stars yeah i mean I mean, if you're going to be fucking hauling puss. You know what I mean? All the way to heaven. All the way to fucking pound town. Yeah, you want some experience. And what happens to those virgins after they've had sex? They're not virgins anymore.

But where do they go? Back of the line. No. I don't know. I've never been. Zach, what happens to them? You got to know something. I have no idea.

Yeah. Does anybody know? After you plow them, I think you just keep plowing them. They become non-virgins. Well, no, they're not a virgin anymore. I understand that. But you get to keep, are they, you still get to have sex with them? Or you get 72 sexes after you die.

You get to have sex 72 times. That's funny. It's like, oh oh is the night tonight nah i don't want to waste it tonight i'm literally here for eternity i'm gonna wait okay i know i just had sex last night i'm gonna wait one million years and then you're up that's a long time to just space out 72 times you have the whole time you dream about all that fucking virgin puss. Oh, yeah! All right, so what are you thinking about? And I've been thinking about this particular topic for a while,

but I just went back to a hardware store with Ezra because he wanted to go look at sprinklers. We were having a rough morning. The girls were playing, and he felt left out, and he was having a little bit of a meltdown. I was like, okay, what can I do to snap this autistic motherfucker out of this mindset, right? Because he's just really upset. Everybody's the worst.

Everybody doesn't care. No one understands, and he just gets in this thing, and you can't get him out. The only thing he will listen are sprinkler heads. The only thing he needs to hear is... And that's going to bring him back to reality, right? The only thing he'll listen are sprinkler heads. The only thing he needs to hear is around and i and i i just started it just kind of came back to me and i was like dude this would be so fun why is there not a single store i don't care if it's a hardware store or a grocery store or a fucking joann's fabric store a thrift i don't get whatever store why can we not just yell out when you can't you have to have like someone or set like a set limit of time when you can't find it why can't you just yell out what you're looking for like why can't

i be walking around an ace hardware store and i just walked by the shovels for the third time and i just go jesus fucking christ sprinklers when some guy's like, aisle six! He's just sitting behind a desk? Yeah! Why is that not okay? Why do you have to be like, I don't know, let me go find a guy in a red vest. And you wander around, it's an Ace Hardware, there's only so many people working, and you have to go find them, you have to go bug them.

They're restacking shelves or something. You're bothering them. Why can't they just keep doing their job? Why can't they just keep doing their job? Why can't you just yell out the thing that you need, and then they yell it out back at you? Gorilla tape! Yeah. By the sound of the echo, you're so close.

It's like, I know it! One aisle over! One aisle over, bottom left! Thank you! You got it! Thank you! You're welcome! Ace is the place with the helpful hardware, folks. You guys sure are helpful,

folks. You guys are so helpful. We know. Do you want to come to my barbecue on Saturday? I'm already started smoking it. Where do you live? But he's just like, why not?

Think about walking around a big-ass box store like Walmart. Right? You're like, Jesus Christ. You're just like, fuck, dude. Flat of tuna! And then someone, maybe they have a crow's nest. Like an old pirate ship, and they have a megaphone. And they just go...

That was pretty good. Thank you. And they go... ship and they have a megaphone and they just go that was pretty good thank you what does it do that and they hold it they make that noise they hold it up they hold it up they're just like i own 12 what a useful impression or even i, I mean, location of things. Wait, why does it make that noise? Because it's feedback. Okay.

Yeah. Well, where is it? Why is it feeding back? Because it's projecting. Oh, it's got the microphone and it's projecting. It's bouncing back, yeah. Yep. You got it.

You're killing it. It's great. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. Brian. I'm so sorry. Fix it. I'm so sorry.

Goose head down. Oh, God oh oh god oh god it's everywhere brian just bumped where am i i just fell off and disappeared into the fucking ether the abyss oh man brian just his knee just smashed the arcade table and almost slid it off the table just having so much fun anyway like why does it stop at location of items too you're like like like you have a conversation with your your wife your significant other you're like you're like god the only reason i came because the free samples no time those start you're at costco like i don't know like probably around like i don't know 11 o'clock or something it's like well one second he just turns around you stand there with a fucking... Oh, nice.

Good find. I wonder why Zach was crawling on the ground. I didn't even see him. He snuck up on me. I thought his butt was going to be in the shot. Oh, and he put on two music beds. Oh, no. Are you okay?

Are you okay? Oh, my God. Did he just smash his head into the camera? We have to 86 this episode, guys. Holy shit. Okay, go look at it. I'll fix it while Brian's talking We'll figure it out But like why does it stop at

God that was loud That had to hurt are you alright Zach What a disaster What a disaster Luckily it hit me in the head Oh yeah That's what you get for being so fucking So blurry

Okay I'll fix it in a second Well, that's what you get for being so fucking... Oh, it's so blurry? It's so bad? Meh. Okay, I'll fix it in a second. All right, so, like, why does it stop at that? Like, let's see you doing, like, Costco samples and shit, right? It's like, I don't know, fucking 11? And you're standing there, you got a loaf of bread and, like, a fucking 12-pack of lasagna. And you're like, what time do the free samples start?

And someone's just like, 1030 on Saturdays, 11 on Sundays. Thank you. Thank you. Fucking told you. And then he's back. You're welcome.

How do I turn this thing off? Are they playing Marco Polo with you? Oh, right, right, right. So close. They can see you. You're getting warmer. Warmer. Colder.

You're just walking around blindly with your hand out, looking for nails. But everyone's looking at you now. You're just moving your hand around. You're like, okay, okay. You're like, right there. And you're like, god damn it. I walked right by it. Walked right by it four times you're welcome sir and all this shit that it's at costco where you it's like where can i get a pound of fucking like mayonnaise where can i get 18 pounds of mayonnaise you You're like, I need 18 pounds of mayonnaise!

Right. What aisle is that in? Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. You do it. No, I don't need... Like, I don't know. Aisle six. Aisle six.

Thank you! Honey! It's in aisle six! You get that! I'll go to the other one and get the cookies. I'll get the 18 pounds of cookies. What's all the cookies in? But I feel like there has to be a time limit set for like when you're allowed to yell out.

Yeah. Like you gotta go give it a chance. But why not? Well, they already have. Who the fuck cares? They already have something there that we could do. So they have that, the phone that is for employees only. Why can't we walk do so they have that the phone that is for employees only why can't we walk over there and go grab the phone and just be like hey it's fucking and some

guy opened an office and need a dick there i need amanda kiss and hug you guys seen amanda it's what i was amanda kiss and hug in just kidding i need burritos gotcha they have probably the phone but you know what i mean why not like just especially i always think of it in a hardware store when you walk in the second the automatic doors open just lumber tile glue screw phillips head but why not like why the fuck not like what a weird just who the fuck cares i'm there's an ace that's uh just down from our house where the hardware folks are yeah and i can picture that that the door's opening up and there's just like, wheelbarrow! Sod! Weed killer! Like the second, like just in stride.

Already mad you have to go back to the store. You walk in and you're like, sod! You're like, I'll send you. You go grab it. At that point, you're not even looking for it though, right? That's what's going to happen. What if one guy's yelling and then another guy's yelling? Well, then figure it out. Who yelled first?

Then help the guy who yelled first. You'd be like, keep it down! Most useful impression I've ever heard. Hold on, I'll help you with the pesticides. Sons in aisle six! Okay, pesticides in aisle eight! Like, just, why not? Why not? I think we

just. What a fun store to be in too. But I think we just solved why not, right? No. No. There's no stores that busy. And people are already scared to yell out shit. What do you mean no stores are that busy? Have you ever been into Costco on Saturday? Well, they can't all yell, but you can section it off.

You have to be in the circle. You walk over to the circle and you're like, wait in line to get in the circle. That's what it is. You have to go to a yelling circle? Yeah, it's like a yelling circle and there's a line to get in there. You can't find anything. You walk over, you're waiting in line. And the guy's like, catch up!

And then aisle 7 is like, you're good. And he just hops out of there. And then aisle seven is like, you're good. And he just huffs out of there. And then the next guy sims the store. He's like, customer, you grab a number or something. Ketchup! Thank you! And he's like, huffs out. Next guy's like, mustard!

He goes, follow Chris! Oh my god, are you fucking kidding me? Follow the guy that I just asked for ketchup! Three other people get out of line because they were going to ask for ketchup. They're like, oh, okay. You just got a fucking, like a mombaline down to the ketchup aisle?

Yeah, I like that. Well, I love chaos. It's not chaos. I would love to shop. I would love to shop. Open a store. Allow this option. Let's see what happens. Anytime.

Like, I'm super jelly that whenever you go somewhere, you always have some crazy-ass story. Like, nothing ever cool happens to me. I want to be in a place where that shit's just going on. I can just, like, watch it. I would go there for that exact reason. Yeah. Just to hear the angst in people's voices. It'd be hilarious. And you know it's the 13th time they've come back for some plumbing fixture

That's the thing They're walking back What do you got this time He's like I can't find a fucking pledge Can't do it I don't know what to do Anyways Someone implement it Let's move off to some dick

Let's roll it! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Do you smoke? I do not smoke. Zach, do you smoke? Not anymore. Cannabis.

Oh yeah, you're on like the toothpicks and the vape and shit. Yeah, I like nicotine. Fuck yeah, bro! Woo! on like the the toothpicks and the the vape and shit yeah i like nicotine yeah fuck yeah bro he was in one time you had he's got these little nicotine uh toothpicks had one in his mouth took that out to take a puff and then put it back in it was so funny i had no idea they were nicotine yeah when i stopped uh chewing like i do like zin now which is nicotine but minus the at least as we know of now minus the cancer uh zach was the one that introduced me to the to the toothpick trend

that's such a cool little thing it's like and they're flavorful yeah i never felt much but it's just the oral fixation part of any sort of addiction yeah i'm as addicted to these as i am was a cigarette that's why i can't keep like a nice skinny dick out of my mouth. At least there's no smoke going in your lungs. Exactly. It's not the nicotine that kills. It's the smoke. So both of you could go run a marathon.

The vape adds kind of a weird vibe to my lungs, but it's much better than the cigarette. But legally or technically you could run a marathon. Not that you would. Such a millennial explanation. Like, I don't don't know dude fucking vapes had a weird vibe to my lungs you hack up you hack up stuff still like cigarettes vibe and you're not a millennial but that was very millennial of you okay so what do you got chinese marathon runner disqualified

for chain smoking through entire race. That's so fucking funny. Being good enough shape to complete a 26.2 mile marathon at 52 years old is impressive. It's impressive at fucking 18. Yeah. Okay. But to do so while chain smoking the entire race

is downright insane. That's what a man named Uncle Chen did during the marathon in china earlier this year but apparently all of his effort is for not he has been disqualified bullshit reportedly smoking on the track was the reason for disqualification people running behind him just like oh god fuck fucking choo-choo train fucking uncle chen i love that uncle chen it's performance enhancing cigarettes yeah it's like every yeah it's like every uncle you know everybody has that uncle they drink too much like ah that's like that's uncle ben you know you know

uncle ben he's gonna he's the chinese version of uncle ben he's gonna create he's gonna he's gonna crank up thanksgiving to a new level. Yeah, he is. He's going to stuff more than turkeys, you know what I mean? Yeah, you know what I mean? Ah, yeah! Ah, yeah! Which one was the real one?

Okay. The Xiamen Marathon Committee issued a statement announcing the disqualification for violating an article in the Marathon Rules and Regulations. Article 2.12, which states, Uncivilized behavior from runners such as open defecation, smoking, or trampling on flower beds or green spaces that affect the race and the safety of other runners will result in disqualification. I'm going to come out and say right now that Article 212 of this thing is bullshit. Why would they lump those things together? Anything that starts with uncivilized behavior, well, that's China.

That's China's way. They're like, no, not acting the way that we want. Trash should be in there. You know, you're like running. You're like no not acting the way that we want trash to be in there you know you're like running you're like sucks sucks to be a slow little bitch uncle chen's just fucking running next to the leader smoking a cigarette he's like he's like whoo sucks to not have smokes fucking nerd fucking fucking nerd and he's like, see, see the after party. Anyway, see the finish line to the finish line.

I'll be fucking your girlfriend. And then just like how hard you're breathing to how fast you have to be smoking. You had to rip through fucking 15 packs of cigarettes. So Zach, you used to smoke. Yeah. Could you imagine like, what was it? Like, I, I don't, I've never smoked. So, Zach, you used to smoke? Yeah. Could you imagine, like, what was it? Like, I've never smoked, so like, what?

You've never had a cigarette? I've never inhaled it. I tried to inhale it, and it just made me throw up, dude. Okay. It was gross. Yeah. It tastes like chicken nuggets. I love them.

I smoked pot before. Yeah, I've smoked fucking. But like a cigarette, The smoke hit my throat It made me like Gag and throw up Yeah I was like no I don't like it

I don't like that in there Yeah You gotta work your way Through that terrible vibe And then it gets better I guess Yeah as soon as you're not a pussy You'll fucking realize My cigarettes are so sweet

Yeah Yeah I was too busy getting pussy Yeah Let's go Yeah I think we're breaking a record For these buttons this week But I couldn't like I don't know It just It doesn't seem like you getting pussy. Yeah! Let's go! Yeah! I'm going to break into record for these

buttons this week. But I couldn't, like, I don't know, it just doesn't seem like those two things should be anywhere near each other. And not even just

for, like, breaking rules purposes. The idea that you could run. It's impressive. They should have given him two medals. Yeah.

Not one. Not one medal But not even that, just take it away He'd be like, I don't know man You ran, okay The Chinese government just busted into his place And stole his trophy Not only were you smoking

And he's like, yeah, go on And he's like, you also ran through a flower bed And he's like, god damn it. That was the kicker. Fucking knew it. Kicking that daisy was going to be the end of it. What was the other thing? It was the flower bed and there was another thing.

Open defecation. Yeah. Those are so different. Because marathon runners, they'll shit and piss their pants. They got to keep going. That's like the ultra marathon runners. If you have to shit, you don't stop.

You just shit and keep running. Right. But you should be wearing a diaper, right? No, I think it's something I just shit down their leg. Yeah. God,

that's so gross. You have a marathon to win Brian. Fucking chafing in. Oh, I shit my pants at home and was grossed out. I guess picture like uncle Chen winning the gold medal. He's fucking... He's smoking a cigarette and just shitting in

flower beds and then ripping a rose out. He's wiping with the roses in the flower bed while smoking cigarettes. He's like, what do you mean? He's doing all three. They knock on the door. He opens it up and he goes, you mean? He's doing all three. They knock on the door. He opens it up. He goes, you hear about Article 212?

Yeah. I think it's bullshit. He just throws the metal at him. He's like, keep your metal, nerd. Keep your metal. This country fucking sucks, nerd. He just shuts it. Oh, yeah.

They show up Knock on the door opens up and is like what took you so long What took you so long article 212 is bullshit Anyway take it out And fuck this country Oh let's see is there any more Good stuff Let's see Uncle Chen crossed the finish line

Just 5 minutes slower than his 3.28 finish two years ago and placed 574th out of more than 1,500 runners this year. He's not doing great. There's a picture of him running and lighting another cigarette. It's motivation for the people behind him to get in front of him. Sure. Yeah.

He has been at this for a while, too. Uncle Chen was first photographed during the 2018 Gangzhou Marathon, where he completed in three hours and 36 minutes. He competed at the same marathon a year later, finishing minutes better, 3.32. Dude, Uncle Chen. He previously had been allowed to compete while keeping up his bad habit, but the Chinese Athletics Association implemented a new rule last year in an effort to promote healthy participation in curb smoking. Dude, maybe he's on to something. Yeah, they were out to get him.

They don't know. They were out to get him. They're acting like it's a bad thing. It's working for him. It sure is. Sure as shit is. Well, Uncle Chen, fucken fuck yeah dude keep it up it's your body your choice what i mean um it's just fucking wild that there's no smoking and

no flower bed stuff i just thought that was funny honestly like those that's what gets me the most is like those three things are so i mean i guess I get it now when you think about those things happen in a race, but like being able to, he like you do, do all of those things and they're, cause they're so fucking different. Oh yeah, absolutely. Just shitting and stomping and smoking. It was like my bad for fucking fertilizing your flower bed. Yeah.

Fucking nerd. He's going to be twice as tall next year. What? So he twice flower bed. Yeah. Fucking nerd. He's gonna be twice as tall next year. What? He's gonna be twice as tall? Yeah. Fertilize him with his shit. Oh, gotcha. I'm gonna come back next year and stomp the shit out of these. I thought you were saying something about him being twice as tall. I was like, yeah, probably not.

Twice as short? Yep. Seems about right. All right, let's move off to our next piece of dick here. Okay. I'm gonna shove this inside you. I think it's found humor and someone next piece of dick here. Okay. I'm going to shove this inside you. Ooh. I think it's found humor, and someone thought this was a bulletproof plan. Newspapers stolen after a story about rape charges at Colorado police chief's house. Okay.

So here you see a picture of just an empty mailbox. I'm not sure if that was in Colorado or just a stock image. Doesn't matter. Nearly all the copies of a small-town Colorado newspaper were stolen from newspaper racks on the same day the Alray County Plain Dealer published a story about charges being filed over rape. Rapes alleged to have occurred at the underage drinking party at a police chief's house while the chief was asleep. The owner of the publisher said on Friday that dude can sleep through anything. Mike Wiggins vowed to get to the bottom of posting Thursday on X formally Twitter.

How long are they going to say that if you hope to silence or intimidate us? You failed miserably. We'll find out who did this. And another press run is imminent. The newspaper posted the story on social media and removed its website payroll paywall so people could read about the felony sexual assault charges filed against three men, including a relative of the police chief for actions that allegedly occurred back on May in 2023. Uncle Ben. Mm hmm. police chief for actions that allegedly occurred back on may in 2023 uncle ben where charges uh where drugs and alcohol were used according to court documents but just the idea that this police chief or whoever i'm guessing the police chief was involved looked at it and was like

can't let that get out you know what i I'm going to do? I'm going to go take all the newspapers. That's like a villain. And no one will ever be able to read about the rapes in my house. That's something a villain would do. Yeah, there's 60 billion workarounds. Maybe that worked in 1920. Extra, extra, you read all about it. And you just go, give me that, you fucking kid.

Now no one ever is going to know. Give me your hat. You have a cool hat is going to know. Give me your hat. You have a cool hat and your cigarette. Give me your newspaper. He's like, this is perfect. Right after we take all the light bulbs out of their house, no one will be able to read the newspaper. It's the craziest shit. He's like, I have stolen all the paper plates from our rival's pizzeria.

They will never be able to serve pizza to anyone ever again. I've stolen things from a dying industry. Newspapers. What's going to happen? No one will know about you. I saved you, son. What do you mean? He just opens up the back of his unmarked white van.

I took all the newspapers i told you i'd always have your back dad or son son yeah he's like thanks dad thanks dad i knew you'd get it like how dumb do you have to be you think that would work and then he's like thanks dad i really appreciate it oh wait whoa shit dude like he's got a snapchat thing fuck dude someone must have access to a. Someone must have got one of those free 50-minute CDs, dude. Everyone knows. Oh, man. Fuck.

What are we going to do about it? I'll enforce the beliefs of my Sky Daddy on all the woman's insights. Is that coming? What? Is that coming? No, I'm just reading it right now. Oh. I'll enforce the beliefs of my Sky Daddy on all the women inside these imaginary lines Is that coming? What? Is that coming? No, I'm just reading it right now. Oh.

I'll enforce the beliefs of my sky daddy and all the women inside these imaginary lines that we drew on a map. That'll stop them from being so naughty. Make my sky daddy so happy. It's like, you think they might go somewhere else? Sorry, it's a little stab at politics right there. Where are you going with it? Outside these imaginary lines. And the women won't be able to go outside the lines and have the same services.

I'll show them and make Sky Daddy so proud. I'll get you next time, Gadget. This is fucking crazy. He wakes up and he panics. You know, he panics and he's like, he's like, okay, who raped who? Three of you guys raped.

You guys doing drugs? Yeah? You guys shit. This will be in the paper. Okay. And he's like, in his fucking sweatpants and he's like,

I'm going to kill the newspapers. He's running around in his slippers and just like, do-do-do-do. Like doing like the, like the villain walk. Yep, yeah.

Do-do-do walk Yep yeah He walks up He's like Huh? Huh? And then Smashes the glass out And then takes all the newspapers I'm curious about that

About what? Did it say that he actually like He said they were robbed or whatever But did he bust in or did he just Cause you know how you can put a quarter in And like it's kind of like the honor system I'm never gonna I'm never gonna financially recover from this Isn't that how it worked? Like you put a quarter in and it's kind of like the honor system. I'm never going to financially recover from this.

Isn't that how it worked? You put a quarter in, you just grab one newspaper. It's like honor system, right? I don't think I ever bought a paper in one of those things. Not quite. I think I have. I think I got a magazine once, but I was tiny. But you can just grab them all.

I think so. You can. Yeah. Because it opens up. You pay 25 cents to open a suitcase and then just don't take everything yeah so he maybe just paid for them all he took them all like there's not like he left cash in there like if you're gonna do that at least go in there and at least set the fucking newspaper business on fire well i was gonna say that's what

i i pictured like when he shows this kid all the newspapers see what i did for his son and then later that night he's like he's like a big bonfire in the backyard he's throwing like he's out in the field somewhere like burning all his shit never be able to print this again there's no way they have this saved everywhere the fire visualize the shot of the flames burning in front of him like the camera's focused on his face turn your phone off focused on his face god damn it and then you just see him like

yeah you are so smart chief chief of police you're the smartest chief of police that's ever worked here yeah I take all the newspapers. And then Batman comes in and saves the day. Hey, I just thought that was such a dumb plan.

That's something Gotham City, dude. That's fucking Gotham City shit. It really is. All right, let's take a look at some petty beef. So did he get in trouble? Anybody get in trouble? We're waiting for it to kind of resolve. But I'm guessing, yeah.

I'm patiently awaiting. Me too. I'll read the local paper. Paper. All right. Not if he has anything to say about it zach silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef so this is kind of a lengthy one.

Okay. And it's actually a pretty good argument. I'm curious to see where you guys stand on this one. So it was sent in anonymously, which makes sense once we read the situation. It says, so my in-law side of the family just loves drama. It's always something going on with them. And dragging you into it if you try and distance yourself just loves drama. It's always something going on with them. And dragging you into it if you try and distance yourself from the drama.

Our latest batch of forced drama is what finally broke me from my sister-in-law. Or broke me yeah, from my sister-in-law. Me and my wife have been married for 10 years. Just say a decade! And since the beginning I've tried to make my wife

What if the band 10 years would have just called themselves Decade? Yeah, why not, right? I've tried to make my wife make up with her sister for years of childhood issues between them. And this last time is where I finally threw in the towel and just joined my wife on the screw you bus. And to front load this with this detail, my oldest kid is six years old and we made a decision when he was born that myself and my wife want to keep our kids away from social media for as long as possible. Even to the point of putting pictures of them online, insert facial recognition software

ramp, and our entire family knows about that and respects it for the most part. Everyone knows, and then a grandparent will post a picture of them on their page and a casual reminder of our beliefs is all it takes and they quickly delete the photo from online. Well, we recently took family photos with the in-laws. A photographer was paid to come for about an hour and just take everyone's photo, my household, and my wife's two other sisters with all their family, and then my parents-in-law. Everyone had little independent photo shoots. And at the end, we had a huge family photo with the whole group. Us being more traditional, we just printed off our photos to keep for ourselves. But my sister-in-law posts everyone's photos on their page.

So we politely asked her to remove the three or four that has our kids in them, which was met with the response, what? Could I not show off my nephew? And my normal, easygoing attitude quickly changed to, well, how about now? I'm telling you to take them down, which was met with her saying things like, well, don't none of you ever show up to another family photo shoot again if you don't want to be on social media. Then some of her cussing at us for being crazy. Then the whole family seems to back her up, saying that we are the crazy ones for not wanting pictures of ourselves, but mainly our kids on Facebook.

Both of us have Facebook, but don't really do much other than watch reels and use marketplace. Are me and my wife being hard to work with for wanting to keep our kids off social media? Or is it her for acting like our wishes are too much to ask? It is good. Interesting. It is interesting. I have thoughts on that. Okay.

Not right or wrong, but as a person who puts stuff out there for people, I occasionally, rare occasions, kids will be in a video and rarely post a photo of my kids on my page. My wife has an Instagram or a page where she'll share family things, but I try not to do that very much on mine. So I totally get it because essentially you're doing it without their permission. Right. And everyone sees stuff on social media so you wanting to hide your kids i don't think anything's wrong with that that's such a such an interesting thing because then you the family doesn't see it as an issue, but I'm having a hard time formulating the thought because I totally support them.

And I don't think they're being ridiculous. No, there's like child bullying. There's all sorts of things that can happen if you get a photo online of a kid. Yeah, I mean, look at the memes that are famous now like some of those kids that are like grown up now and but they were a meme their whole life that little girl in the back of the car that's like right you know like her entire existence growing up has been a meme that everyone knows right so i mean that's that's It sets you up for identity fraud, too, actually. Well, fuck me.

I mean, sure. But, I mean, everybody is set up for identity fraud then. I don't like... They don't have any fucking money. Reprotect, yeah. I don't like the idea of her being like, well, don't show up to any of these things if you don't want. Mm-hmm. Because there's a weird thing with

social media where you could be with a group of people and they care more about getting a picture to put up online so everyone can see what you're doing than actually spending time with the people yeah so it's already kind of weird so like having a family photo shoot doesn't shouldn't automatically mean this is first place this going is is on social media the first thought should be this is a family portrait that we're all gonna have for years with all the generations and stuff it shouldn't be thought of oh i can't wait to put this up on the internet yeah i have a couple different thoughts about it one of which is you need to have the conversation up front With your even just your family because you are in today's world the outlier

If you're showing up and you're like do not post this anywhere You need to have that conversation when you get to the photo shoot. You can still get them done but Just make sure that they get the photos that they want to Without your kids in it or without you, whatever, how far you want to draw the line. And just make sure that's talked about up front. And you can be nice about it. You'd be like, this is. But when she was like, well, I just show off my nephew.

It's like, well, he's not a fucking, it's not a 4-H. It's a sales situation at a fair. It's not a Holstein cow that you're excited we're not carving this thing up for beef and like assuming people know that is fine but also just being up front about it

after that if they do it then yeah you just have to figure out what to do but also like it's a smaller thing but like bringing the family setting of going there and obviously taking photos is also in some ways similar to going to a public event like saying you went out to some sort of parade or whatever and you're like hey can you guys take this picture down my kids are in it in that situation i'm like no fuck you you went to the thing and we posted it

online sorry you guys are in it but if this is the lifestyle you guys are living, then you don't get to go to the thing. If you're that worried about it. Like the off chance that you're going to get pictured while you're in public, then that's just the lifestyle that you are deciding to do. You can't ask someone else to be like, oh, this is a really cool picture of these fire blowers or whatever fire spitters whatever they're talking fire breathers um but your kids are in the background going oh it's like hey can you take this down like this is i don't like having my pictures my kids online it's like well they don't fucking go into public like you this is the risk you took by going into public it's not illegal and what your family did is not illegal them not respecting your wishes

you just have to be more up front about it and be like we're taking these photos here's this photo with us and then get out of there and just know that you can have a photo with everybody but just it's all about talking up front and then if they break it but it sounds like from this email

you guys did not discuss this up front which results in it getting posted. Her reaction being like, I can't show off my nephew is weird. That is super weird. But I'm guessing the rest of the, it was just a good photo, right, of the entire family. They could also blur out your faces, which is also fucking weird. Weird, yeah. And there's also the thing of like, how long do you think your kids are going to be unrecognizable by government tracking and in like technology you think they

already don't know like if you're if you think facebook is the catalyst like then you're mistaken like you're already if you're existing in the world you're already tracked um so that's the other part to look at like you're being a little naive if you think that they already don't know what your kids look like. Somewhere. It's already been done. I don't know. Zach, I feel like this is something up your alley. I do have a friend that kind of tells everybody every single day to blur kids' faces online for various reasons.

Well, what are the reasons? Some of them are identity theft. I'm not sure how that works. Yeah, I'm not sure. If they don't have anything, what are you stealing? Yeah, I'm not sure. I'd have to look into that more. But I'm looking at a Huffington Post article, and it's mentioning that.

But also... Sorry, I dropped my phone. I was like, damn, is he playing a prank on us? But also the most important thing is... Fuck, see you guys. He shuts it off. Gotta go! No, I mean, there's all sorts of things let me

pull it up actually okay talk amongst yourself sorry oh hey brian it's like that's why like i don't really have a stance either way on it because like you said it's damn near impossible to avoid and like my wife she likes to post pictures of the family so friends and family can see what's going on. I guess the end game is like, what are you doing? What is the point of keeping... Because if you think Facebook is the facial recognition meta, that's the capital. Then you're way off. Yeah.

That's way out of there. There are some people that they social media is not the only one right they're saying you know people just post the picture but they'll often post information uh giving away a lot of different things for the identity theft but also cyber bullying there's all sorts of stuff in here that if you think about it yeah it is kind of what are you gonna do you're in public yeah kind of but like a kid this young six years old blah blah they're not getting bullied on facebook they're not on facebook no but there's somebody in their class might be on facebook but what are they getting bullied about

just that maybe their parents are dorks or they look like dorks they got dressed up like dorks yeah that's i mean that's fine but also that's like school pictures when you you'd hand them out for your wallet size photo when you're growing up it's like here's a here's my terrible school photo like do what you want with it yeah i'm with you i don't really know how you protect people against that but yeah you just you there's quite a movement on it though you gotta live off grid if you're gonna the the people that are like i don't want the government following me around but they have an iphone like that are it, I don't want the government following me around, but they have an iPhone. It's just kind of like you were saying. You've already given up all of that stuff by having that phone and all of that.

So, honestly, it's thinking one thing but not realizing they're doing another thing. In this case, it because the family won't you can keep your kids yeah you can keep your own kids off social media easy um yeah for a certain amount of time yeah i mean while while you unless you're doing little house on the prairie type situation where they never leave the house and they never have any friends that have any sort of social anything and they don't ever get interested to see what their parents are keeping them from. But, I mean, and there's also going to be probably some social benefits from keeping them off of it. Like, they get away from, like, being bullied or feeling they have to do this.

And they can work on themselves and develop their skills and not compare themselves to everyone else. That is one thing of keeping yourself off of social media. But if it's just based back to facial recognition. Yeah. It's like they already know what your kids look like like unless you live in the middle of nowhere and don't talk to anybody like if you do take do you take photos photos of your kids like you think those are just hanging out on your phone like how deep does your i don't want to call it a conspiracy because it's not really like how deep does that go like if you have photos those photos are going somewhere like you think

it's on your local hard drive but like you know what i mean cloud exactly like there's just there's so much that that you can you can always worry about i don't agree with the family being dicks and being like what i can't show up but that's a weird line that's a weird line to say and fuck your sister-in-law for doing that but you know what it sounds like honestly it just sounds like difference of take take this take politics take anything take religion take any sort of stance on anything ever there's a there's a dynamic that they're already to me it seems like there already are issues and so when when the when they say we don't want this the family's like oh here we go here Here they are again.

It's like, you know, like if the kid that moves away from a conservative family and comes back and is the liberal guy. And he says, like, the family can talk about something. And then you say, like, that's not cool to talk about. And then it's like, oh, goes off to college. You know, like, now you're the asshole in the family because you went out and did something different. That's what it sounds like to me, but I don't. Yeah, you can have your own moral beliefs, but if you meet up with people that don't have the same ones, you can't expect them to have them. Yeah, and it's like, we're all fine with this.

Why can't you be on board with it, too? Right. So that's what it sounds like. Yeah, conversation. sounds like yeah conversation sounds like a conversation up front yeah the only the only way you're going to do that is show up to the photo shoot and say here's take take all this here's the one that we keep for us right and if you want one for social media just i'm going to take my kids out and we'll take another one that's the one you can post yeah but then you're still gonna get like well it's not our whole family it's like yeah well who cares the people that are there in spirit the

people that matter are the people that are gonna see this photo we're at the photo shoot they can still get the photo just don't post it yeah it's got to be more upfront about it all right let's move on to some good news for this week does that sound good yeah all right hey zach fucking yeah so you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah! So I'll make sure to get another one of these in.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! All right. Hungover customer brings heaps of business to struggling Alberta fish and chip shop. Sounds sexy. Sounds saucy. Lineups out the door at Whitby's Fish and Chips in Lethbridge are glowing

Facebook after. Glowing Facebook review. Nice. We know where Lethbridge is because they're in the hockey or WHL league. Right. Up until a few days ago, business was absolutely terrible at John McMillan's Little Fish and Chips shop in Lethbridge, Alberta. Okay.

He dropped his phone, too. Yeah. Dropped a lung. But all that changed after a very hungry and hungover customer walked through his doors. I had a few drinks the night before, and I was feeling like some grease, Colin Ross told Calgary Eye Opener on Friday. He struck up a conversation with a friendly 69-year-old owner who fixed him a three-piece halibut on a bed of fries. Fuck yeah, he did. Sounds really good. I'm hungry.

Ross devoured his meal and his hangover began to dull. As clarity set in, he realized the shop was empty. I'm hungry. Ross devoured his meal and his hangover began to dull. As clarity set in, he realized the shop was empty. I just seen a really good establishment with really good food that deserved a lineup through the door. He told the owner he was going to help him. He says, I've got 2,000 friends on Facebook, said McMillan, who didn't really know what that meant because he's not a lot of... This is the guy that doesn't want his family posted. He's like, because he's not into a lot of computer stuff. Lineups out the door.

Ross' glowing review of Whitby's Fish and Chips on a Facebook page had more than 8,000 shares and brought hundreds of new customers through the door. Our business has just gone right through the roof to the point where you've got people Waiting an hour and a half God to an hour and three quarters For their dinner The owner has had to quickly recruit Family and friends to come help him out So he's not complaining

Calgary had their food Fort McMurray had their fire and little fish and chips Shop in Lethbridge and had its What the fuck did I just read I don't know Calgary had its what the fuck did i just read i don't know calgary had its flood calgary had a fire said flood no then oh calgary had their flood ah fault oh my god you do it okay calgary had their flood fort mcmurray had their fire and a little fish and chip shop in lethbridge had its problem the people of alberta just came together this is

the greatest province and the greatest in the greatest country he said just goes uh so good to live here that was hard i love i love it sound like you were hung over yeah you're just like can we be real for a second maybe the food was probably delicious but that hung over where it magically disappears, that's just what greasy food does. But the idea of just this hungover dude being like, I don't know, he's probably the best fish and chips I've ever had. He's like the best thing ever.

He's like, anyway, he was talking to some old guy. He's like, I'm going to post about it. I'm going to vlog about it on Facebook. What? Listen, I'm going to be like, this is really good and we'll see what happens. We can just throw it out there and then it's just hundreds of people show up.

Yeah. That's really fun. Tell them fucking Darnell. What's the guy's name? What? I was going to say, tell them so-and-so sent you. Colin Ross?

Yeah. Is that his name? Did you say Darnell? I didn't know a name. Darnell was the first name that came to my mind. Yeah, Colin. Colin.

Fuck off, Colin! Colin. Phone call Colin. Dude. Oh, dude. Like, this is the best shooter ever. These mission ships are fucking. I'm like hungover or whatever. It's like sick, dude. Like, the only thing I see being a problem or whatever is, like, no one's in here and shit.

So, like, it's going to be hard to, like, stay open and stuff. I was hoping if you guys just keep doing this with no one in here or whatever. I'm going to, like, I'm going to go home and, like. Talk about it. I'll talk about it a little bit. I'll tell my roommates or whatever. But, like, fucking. And the guy's like, sure, yeah, sure.

Yeah, just get out of here. I don't buy computers. He's like, yeah. 200 people show up. Just a bunch of fucking Collins. Yeah. We heard this is, like like the best food or whatever Fucking fish and chips

I'll have the fucking I'll have the fish and fucking Chips Give me the fish and fucking Chips or whatever Let me get Let me get Fucking chips and fish or whatever

My buddy fucking Colin said it was good Trevor Let me get fucking chips and fish or whatever. My buddy fucking Colin said it was good. So fucking Trevor and Colin, dude. Okay, let's head off. I'm excited to show you what we found on the internet this week. Okay. Because fucking get ready to jam, baby. Fuck. Zach, fuck!

The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found.

Yes! That's awesome! So our son Brandon found a hidden gem. And then I did a little more digging after what he sent in, and I found my favorite. So we'll take a little peek at both of these here. But it says, sup dweebs? Yeah, fucking dude. I found this the other day, and it had one view. I shared it to some people, and now it has like 20.

It's physically painful, and I'd like to submit it for the worst unironic song ever dude that shit went viral so you know i being a musician i know that there's a website that a very popular website that a lot of musicians use uh to have their music uploaded to streaming services and then also get physical CDs made. And it's called CD Baby. Oh, yeah. Based out of Portland. But everything that gets sent in to them,

they upload to their YouTube channel. So some sort of automatic system where every file from anybody who wants to make a CD, and I mean anybody, who's like, I need to get this pressed. Dude, this has got... People have to hear this like i need to get this pressed dude this has got people have to hear you have to hear this and they have it uploaded to their thing and there's a lot of them that have like zero to one view so he said i found it it had one view that was you brandon

so no one else was seeking this out in this particular song and uh we'll listen to a little bit of it and it's mixed terribly. It's going to sound fucking, it's going to sound like shit. Like that last Moretta album? And then I was like, what else is on this album? And I started taking a look, and I'll play that next. But this song is called, it's called, hold on one second. It's called I'm Going to Fuck You. What the fuck?

What the fuck? The speakers, I'm not blowing them out it's just the way it sounds baby here's the proof we do it all the time you had me wait when you want to let me

tear you up and get a little fine okay you get the idea right yeah okay I mean what I get is that it would actually be a pretty good song if it was mixed a little bit better.

Yeah, sure. And that's maybe what you're thinking about. This song is called Sex on Me. Okay. And I wish, I want to play you the whole thing. Because it's six minutes long. I don't think we're going to have time. But, oh my God.

Sex on me. Sex on me. Sex on me. Sex on me. Sex on me. Come on, pretty baby. Sex on me, sex on me, sex on me, come on baby, baby. Sex on me, sex on me, come on baby, baby. Sex on me, baby. Sex on me, sex on me, come on baby, baby.

He just said sex on me, he just said sex on me. Sex on me, sex on me, come on baby, baby. He's amazing! Just wait for the verses. we take your time i'm gonna make sure you get there lay across the bed we need no sheets. I'm going to go. I'm going to press my hands up on your shoulders. You can find the back, you've got it time over there Sex on me, sex on me, sex on me, come on baby Sex on me, Sex on me. Sex on me. Come on, baby.

Sex on me. Come on, baby. Sex on me. Sex on me. Just wait. Sex on me. Come on. We got like six more verses.

Come on. Come on. Tell me what's your wildest fantasy. W-W-Doc coming all over me. In my web, so hold up your legs and prepare. W-W-Doc come all over me. To be the prey of unfound destiny. I'm gonna eat you cause you taste so damn sweet.

I got this appetite, so you better beware. Sex. Sex. Sex on sex, sex on me. Okay, there's a fill. There's a drum fill coming up that I need to show you. Sex on me. Sex on me. Dude, I almost died when this, like, it's... At least we know he's not using autotune.

It's obviously like a drum machine which is funny because the picture of the album is him on a drum set but just is that him i don't know i don't i have no idea uh just listen to this drum fill let me make sure this is right hold on me okay yeah this is right ready i was sitting back in the Zach cave writing the script and I almost fucking died. Okay, here we go. I need to be

caressing your body to show I care. Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Sex on me. Sex on me. Sex on me. Come on, baby.

Sex on me. Sex on me. Come on. Sex on me, come on baby Sex on me, come on Baby, sex on me Sex on me, come on baby Sex on me, come on Sex on me, come on Sounds like somebody's trying to get in the house. What the fuck? Just out of tempo. How many toms do you have?

Was it 27 views now? Something like that? Was this one? This particular one? Sex on me? The first one had- Oh, Sex on Me has four views. Yeah, the other one had 27 now.

That 26 of them are Brandon. There's no way. The guy who sent it in. Yeah, let me see what I'm going to fuck you has. I'm going to see if I can mute it. Do you want to hear that? Yeah, 27. 11 months ago.

So things are going well. Yeah, things are moving. We're in the right direction. Artist is Joseph Morrow. And again, not smashing them. are going well yeah things are moving for in the right direction artist is joseph morrow and again not smashing them like you gotta you gotta chase your dreams and make music but you have to be prepared for the for the feedback okay yeah you put your art out there you put it out there dude sex on me sex i mean it's catchy on me sex on me baby Sex Sex Sex on me Look at her singing it.

Come on and be www.com all over me www.com all over me Sex www.com The number of just sex that happens in the background

killed me. You better have an appetite. Because you taste so good. Because you taste so good. Damn good to me. Sex on me. Sex. Sex on me.

Sex on me. Come on, baby. Sex. Les, Come on, baby. Sex. Les, I hope he came. All right, let's hear from some of our kids. Right? Yeah. Okay.

I'm going to poop. Hey, you guys. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Wow. Wow.

That's cool. All right, I'm clenching my butthole. Are you going to poop? I. That's cool. Wow. Wow. That's cool. All right, I'm clenching my butthole. Are you at the poo-poo? I just said that, yeah. Oh, I thought you were kidding. No. This feels like yesterday. All right, first email's coming from our son, Jordan, who writes,

Hey, big daddies. Hey, Jordan. I was listening to Toilet Paper Toolbag Piano Piss Goose. Zach! What? Said something to the extent of how vulnerable you must feel. That is such a stupid word. I hate

saying it. Vulnerable. You must feel asking for TP. That's the word you hate saying? Well, it's just awkward. Yeah. I feel really vulnerable when I'm saying it. Man, what's the other one? Nah, never mind. I'll think of it. The. Well, I was at basic training and their stalls lined up.

Eight stalls, give or take. Well, there was one guy who was sent to take a shit and apparently his stall was empty. And instead of yelling to have someone toss him a roll, he went ahead and wiped his ass with his hand and washed it in the sink. I've never done a hand wipe. Have you? No, I was close yesterday just like scooping mud yeah no oh man i've the term scooping mud should only be like an excavator that we should that's new urban urban nature scooping mud yeah zach you ever wipe with your

hand nope oh man okay all right so this guy just wiped his hand and he's like, I don't know, I'll just wash it in the sink. Yeah. And this same guy, we were standing in formation after Chow. I was behind him and fell a few down. Instead of raising... God damn it. Dude, want me to take this? I don't know what's going on, dude.

I don't know. You were doing so well. No, let me finish it. I was behind him and a few down. Instead of raising his hand to ask the drill sergeant to use the pisser, he just right there in formation pisses right down his leg. Funny shit of all basic. You know big dick daddies keep honking for all of us.

Yeah, baby. Thanks for all you guys do. Jordan. Jordan. This guy sounds like a fucking lunatic. Yeah. And it sounds like the exact person you want to be in basic training with you well if that guy's into the hard end you're like god i wonder what this guy's gonna do today yeah i mean if but if you're like let's say you're in a fucking ditch together not a ditch what am i thinking trench trench yeah you're uh scooping

mud out of a foxhole yeah i mean like he's not he's like oh i gotta run the bathroom real quick yeah he's gonna stay there with you yeah he'll he's gonna do some crazy shit he's like hang on once let me just shit real quick you're like you're like hey i here's what i need to do we don't know if anyone's out there you stand up real quick yeah and this guy's like yeah sure i'll do it while fucking scooping mud dude rubbing some bullets into into feces and then shooting them like like back in the revolutionary days or something getting shit in the brains yeah you get shit for brains you get it yeah all right okay infection yeah you don't need an infection if you're getting shot wait did they do that what hold on zach i want to see if you know this didn't i'm joking about

this but didn't that used to happen? I don't know. I know they used to tip traps and stuff with poop, like dead balls and stuff like that. I think that they used to dip balls in something, and then when you would shoot, you'd get an infection. Yeah, they'd do poison and stuff like that, but I'm not sure about shit.

I want to... Okay. Well, you read that. I'm going to look it up. Our second email was sent in anonymously. Must have been one of the many kids that we've had taken from us from CPS. Anyway, they write, Hello, Papas.

I just finished listening to the last episode, Deaf Coyote Mexico Sick Burnouts. And you guys were talking about times you were glad someone else experienced something with you because no one would believe you if you told them. Well, I may have a perfect story. First off, I'm a 16-year-old man. Anyways, me and my friend were at the Northtown Mall in Spokane. You guys have possibly been there. Yeah, I was just there a couple weeks ago.

Actually, we went to the little trampoline park in there first time. I forget what it's called. Jump high. Jump high, North Town Mall. Jump really high. Bouncy floor, North Town Mall. But we went out

to one of the carports to mess around. There was one across from the other. The one we were on was three stories tall. He's talking about a parking garage, not a carport.

It's probably cause he's 16 year old. Man, as you get older, you're going to know that's not a carport. That's a fucking parking garage. The one we were on was three stories tall. The one across from us was four stories. I know exactly where they're at.

We were looking across into the dark, almost empty car garage. Almost empty because we saw one guy get out of his car, take out his phone, and proceed to take multiple dick pics. We could tell because, by the way, he was holding his pants out and the very apparent flash of his phone facing his junk. We both fucking lose it like any normal person he then sees us and we start hysterically laughing and got in his and he got in his car we booked it back into the mall and still talk about to this day and just so you know we weren't doing drugs or anything we were just vandalizing don't worry no you're saying we're doing drugs we're just spray painting dicks

in the world's biggest carport we don't believe in drugs anyways i hope you enjoy my story and long shot but if you could read if you could email me a sexy honk honk love you love you guys love the show keep it up amazing so yeah i guess something anonymously but um god that'd be so funny watching some dude just do a fucking vogue photo shoot holding his dick out like why why is the parking garage at the north town mall the spot where you're like i need a sick backdrop well maybe he just it was a lot like he just got to the mall and ready to do some shopping. She's like, hey, about to flick my bean. Can you send me a quick dick pic? Can you?

A quick dick pic. Can you send me a pic of that fucking engorged bean? Yeah. When you get a chance? That long clit. And that's what a penis is. Am I right? It's a super long clit.

Prove me wrong. Can you pee out of your clit? What? Is that where the urethra goes? The tubes, they end up in different spots. It's like if you, like you have to rework the plumbing, right? Like God reworks the plumbing and it's like, okay, you're peeing down here. But at the start.

God's a terrible plumber. Have you ever seen like a big clit that looks like a wiener? Yeah China Oh the porn star Well yeah but the wrestler Oh her too The 8th winner of the world

That is wild when you see a big ass clit That looks like a little wiener What a world Alright How about that Become part of the gaggle clip looks like a little wiener. What a world. Alright. How about that? Become part of the gaggle. You learn something every day. Anyway, that's the episode we should have deleted.

Should have 86'd it. Sign up, support us on Patreon. It is the number one way you can support us. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. You'll find a link in the episode description as well. www. Come all over me. you don't podcast you'll find a link in the episode description as well www.comealloverme we should have we should go go to godaddy.com and buy the domain for www.comealloverme that has to be taken look it up i'm not typing look it up okay be sure to follow us on instagram and

facebook at can you don't got the video version on youtube just search for can you don't podcast on ye team send stuff into the show hey guys at can you know podcast.com reminder we are going to be out of the studio for three straight weeks so keep sending stuff in but if we don't reply like right away brian's on vacay i'm on vacay rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast and then make sure to check out whatever Uncle Zach is up to at scatcast.com. That's scat with a K. And a big thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Facebook page. Where are you going? The Can You Don't Playground.

Sorry. You don't know where I'm going? No, I was just making conversation. Hawaii. Yeah. Mugale, Kamanewanele. Hawaii. We're trying to tie in, do some little island hopping now.

Head over there a little bit early. You were like, some Maui stuff. You were like, we got this whole thing planned out. I'm like, that sounds awful. What? Like, you're in a place like that, and you have things planned? Well, yeah. It sounds terrible.

We're going to be in Oahu, so the Pearl Harbor thing, the stairway to heaven, some waterfalls, golf, like things are planned out while we're there. Bring a jacket. Bring a jacket? Yeah. When you go up the mountain, it's really cold on the top of the mountain. What?

I mean, really? Compared to what? Compared to like warm? Dude, we just had negative six here. It's supposed to be 84. It's mid thirties right now. And I've been leaving the house in like a sweatshirt, and it's like, that's nice.

I mean, if it dips down to 64, I mean, Zach, that's fucking warm. If I'm thinking right, the top of the mountain's like 30, 40 degrees. For the stairway to heaven? Maybe I'm thinking of something else. No, you're probably right. I just know that they tell you to bring a jacket. I'll bring a sweatshirt. And nobody brings a jacket to Hawaii.

I'll bring one. I'll bring one. Okay, let's go ahead and wrap this thing up, alright? Get after the bonus content. Sound good? Mm-hmm. Okay. Is this that?

Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Alright, just a fact for you. Okay. Mixing it up this week. The number of women who were impregnated by genghis khan is unknown right but is estimated to be in the hundreds or thousands okay he's just dropping loads everywhere that mr dr khan fucking impregnated research has shown that 0.5 percent of all males living today are descendants from Bangus Khan, which means over 16 million men are his descendants.

That's wild. Dude, talk about just laying it. Not worrying about it. No. See, that's what sucks. It's like you go around just flopping your dick and dropping loads. What is this, the 50s? You got to worry about shit now.

You couldn't just move two blocks away and start a new family? Plus, were STDs rampant back then? No, but pregnancies were. Yeah, but he didn't care. No, obviously. He built an entire army with just illiterate kids. Illiterate? Or illegitimate.

I like the illiterate thing. I like that too. No, he's not gonna to learn how to read. That's why I can't read. I'm fucking Genghis Khan. Genghis? Yeah, it's Genghis. Genghis?

It's pronounced Genghis. It is Genghis, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah, I just didn't want to correct you. I've always thought it was Genghis Khan. Yeah, that's what most people think. Really? It's a Western thing.

Oh, man. It's pronounced Genghis. Fuck me! All right, guys. The bonus shit. It's coming right up. If you subscribe to us on Patreon. If not, we will see you guys next week. Bye!

Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye!

Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye! Bye.