Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Magic Penis. Sioux Falls. Idiots. Huge Pearl.

Episode Date: October 16, 2024

Imagine finding something worth $100 million, not knowing what it's worth, then just putting it under your bed for a decade as you continue on with your boring life. Yikes. Let's talk about that, accidentally throwing away an art installation, finding your family pet 30 years after it went missing, how amazing it is that any of us get anywhere safely, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/EKsR2M_eGzoSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Magic penis, Sioux Falls, idiots, huge pearl. this dj is breaking all the oh it's starting to come in hot go go go brand new banger what were you saying there we go yeah my bud wasn't all the way in so there was all treble there was no bass I'm like what's going on that's what she said

is your bud all the way in nevermind she sounds really immature exclusive hot new mix sorry that's that's all i have episode 122 having some fun today it's gonna be good if you want that bonus content you sign up on patreon that's patreon.com slash can you don't podcast uh the additional content exclusive merch all that kind of shit thanks to everyone who does support us on there if you have something you want to see on the show send that in to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com and we were looking through putting episode 122 together

uh you guys got some petty beefs we gotta freshen it up yeah we need some new stuff we got some in there uh but like you know we got fucking two years plus something, two and a half years of shit. So freshen it up. Send that stuff in. Again, that's heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Everybody hates somebody for something petty. Okay? You just got to dig deep.

Ugly Kid Joe wrote a song about Tom Petty. That fucking Jose Canseco. Hey, everything about you. So send that on in. Reminder, we got that new merch in the store. We'll be adding some other new merch here shortly. But anyone who purchases some Can You Don't merch between now and Halloween. What is it?

We got like a week or week or you got to get it? A couple weeks. A couple weeks when this filler comes out here. But you have a chance to win a big decision. Either you send something to us and we will sign it and send it back whatever it is or you just leave that decision up to us and we'll sign something and send it to you but anybody who buys some merch has a chance to win that grand prize so head over to can you don't podcast.com what if it's a like a kidney what if they had a kidney taken out and

it's in a jar i mean we'll sign it we have to call the cops well no what if they just got to keep their kidney no that's yeah we'll sign the jar that's'll have to call the cops. Well, no. What if they just got to keep their kidney? No. Yeah. We'll sign the jar. Yeah, it's going to be an explanation and shit like that. If it shows up in a biohazard package, we'll be like, dude, is it a kidney? Or is it some tonsils?

Or is it like, what's the powder? The anthrax. Oh, sign my anthrax? Anthrax. Sign my anthrax? Anthrax CD? They're too small! Like trying to sign some powder. It never gets back to him because we died. We died and you won.

And you won the game. Don't do that, please. No, please don't kill us. We got shit to do. We got a big old flong on the show today. So get ready for that thick ass dick. You grabbed something off the wire. Yeah.

Off the old, hey guys. This was sent in by Bunny. Okay. No, Bunny, yeah. She sent in something not too long ago. Yeah. Go ahead. She says, every October there's a drawing competition called Inktober that I participate in.

I love the October names. Anything. We had Shocktober, Rocktober, Trucktober, Scarywood. Any sort of a wordplay pun we could do. They're doing Zacktober over at Skycast. Oh, that's hot. Always fun.

You're like, oh, let's go check in on what's going on the socials. There's my face everywhere. Oh my God. I didn't say that. Thank you, guys. It's go check in on what's going on the socials. There's my face everywhere. Oh, my God. I didn't say that. Thank you, guys. It's a Zachathon. Zachathon 2021. So inked over.

Good. That I participate in. Today's word was float. And all I could think about was a hot air balloon. So I drew a pretty cool looking one. And instead of having a wicker basket, it's an actual casket. Okay. I hope you enjoy it.

P.S. If you're interested, you can find more of my work on Instagram at macabre.marionette.art. Okay. And this is good. God damn. I wish I could draw that good. Look at that. Look at that.

I mean, that's just a good drawing. It's just a good drawing. It's a skull. It's got a good drawing it's a skull it's got the ropes it's got some fire and it's just carrying a casket but it's like a it's a bat on it yeah casket like a basket kind of like a yeah you get it yeah bat casket bat casket yeah it's not lost on us but casket it looks like a vampire casket. It's morbid. It's my style. It's very cool.

I love that. Put that on a Moretta shirt. We're coming back, baby! Actually. What? Can we put that on a shirt? Probably. Maybe she can get a cut or something.

Yeah. Because that's a pretty cool shirt. It's a really cool shirt. Just in time for Halloween. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. Thanks, Bunny. Send it! That's a pretty cool shirt. It's a really cool shirt. Justin Don for Halloween. Yeah, fuck yeah, dude. Thanks, Bunny. Send it.

That's cool. That's really cool. And I did go and check out some of her other artwork. And yeah, she's fucking good. She knows what she's doing. At macabre.marionette.art. Go check out what your fellow kid, your sibling's doing over there on that website. Fire this bitch up.

Yeah, brother. Zach. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Fire it up. Is this one about dicks? Of course. Nice.

Go ahead. And it was sent in by our son, Nick. Nick the dick? Yeah, sounds like dick. Still got it. Would you rather have a magic penis? Yes! And next segment.

Zach! Mine's already magic. Would you rather have a magic penis? Done. Mine's already magic. It disappears at weird times. It's an innie. Yeah. Ta-da!

Splunk! Would you rather have a magic penis at will you could change its size thickness last long or pop it at command okay any shape whoa like a could it be like a caterpillar could it be like a balloon animal for her pleasure yeah like imagine jamming a caterpillar dick in there and just all the little feels the phalalanges? Yeah. Fucking around, turning into a butterfly? That probably would feel pretty good. You want the cocoon tonight? Oh, yeah.

I don't think so. About to, uh, what do they call it when I- You had to leave it in for two weeks. I don't think I want the cocoon tonight. So you got to follow her to work? She's sitting on your lap in the office? I mean, cocoon and womb. I mean, there's a joke there

I'm just not going to try hard enough to make it Cocoon Thank you for doing it for me Where was I? Last really long pop-up, any command, any shape Okay And never have a partner truly love you Oh

So you can do all these great things But you can never have someone truly love you I'm just picturing like the saddest clown in a fair He's like Squeak, squeak, squeak Squeak In an affair He's like Squeak squeak squeak Squeak squeak squeak Squeak Squeak

It's like a perfect replica Of like the Lincoln Memorial And then the kid's just like Aww You're like Lame Lame What else do you want?

What do you want? A sword? Yeah Okay Squeak squeak squeak Here I don't like it Pop it Fuck You want a to put it sounds like the guy that

we gave all the tip money to yeah in mexico just trying his best like how about this one you're like dude we don't have any money just phone it in phone it in no that this hat is way too awesome what would phoning in phoning an N be for a balloon guy? Just blowing it up. Just leaving it like a... A dick. Yeah, just the really long cucumber. Would you like a really long cucumber?

No, that's all I can do. There you go. There you go. Look, Mom, a really long cucumber. Nice. She's yelling at the clown. Nice. And you're all painted up and you just go, hmm.

Give her the sad face. Doing my best. I love your, uh, I love your... Squeak, squeak, squeak. I love your, uh, I love your And you're like, you just looked at her. Hooky, hokey. Squirt water in her face with your flower. Dude, if you can get away with anything, if you're a clown. Yeah.

Remember Doink the Clown, the wrestler? You didn't really watch wrestling, did you? No, but I'm sure he was great. Yeah. He was a bad clown. He would come out and do bad bad stuff oh so i mean i don't think there's a clown out there doing good stuff but that's just my opinion on clowns okay so those are good man no i mean every kid should win come on ronald mcdonald he's got a house man he's got hamburgers for kids well does he i don't know dude what a horror movie that would be.

We're going to get off track here, but can we talk about how all these sick kids, and he's like, jumping down the hallway, the lights are flickering. Squirting water on the kids that are like- Acid? Yeah. Kids getting chemo. He walks up, he's like, how about we put the chemo on your skin? The chemo burns. Who wants a hamburger?

Happy meal, happy meal. I'd watch it. So anyway, you're digging all the cool tricks, but no one actually loves you. Got it. Next. Okay. Or you can have your dream partner, anything you want in a partner. Okay.

Basically, weird science. You sculpt this person to your liking. Yep. And they truly, truly love you forever. But, but! Okay. You could never receive an orgasm relating to them or by them. You could fuck, have sex, everything, just can't come.

You asked me this 20 years ago, I'd have a different answer. But right now, I mean, my gut says, dream partner that actually loves you, supports you. I mean, great mom to the kids. Out there doing her thing and you come home and you laugh about how your dick doesn't work or whatever but they truly truly love you way better than make my dick turn into whatever shape i want and i get to just fucking come oh fuck yeah but you you could i mean you could be with whoever like whatever the person you're with at that time you'd be like what do you want my dick what do you want my dick to be and if she has an ant an answer like like a giraffe also weird of a giraffe you're like all right all right no problem i've always wanted to fuck a dick shaped like a giraffe like doesn't that kind of weird you out a little bit too i don't know maybe she's

into some kinky stuff yeah she might be a little judging a little zoo fan i don't know yeah but still she doesn't get that giraffe dick with anybody else like you got you know like why that's what i mean you're like i would rather be loved than shaping my dick like do you have any holes you'd be filling you'd be doing favors all over the across the globe god you could go dude i'm just picturing i mean you know picture in reef. Like a coral reef? Yeah. And it has like three prongs on it. And you're like, one for each whole night, babe.

And you're like, yeah. And it just, you're like, fill all your holes. And then with your reef dick. Gotcha. So you're like one in the pink, one in the stink, one in the mouth. And one in my mouth. So four of them. And one in my ass. Oh four of them. And one in my ass.

Oh, okay, so you need five. Dude, it's your fucking magic dick. I want two in my ass and a couple choking my neck. So you want one. Dude, I don't care what you want. I got it. See, that's pretty cool. Yeah, but also, it's's designed it doesn't need it

like you could pull it off you could still make them come with your dream partner and i think that's pretty important to me i guess and then like as long as it doesn't involve them i guess dude fuck you tell me listen i love making people go as much as the next guy but i but like you could do that you could have all the sex make them happy and everything outside of sex is great but you just don't come then you can just go jerk off oh yeah i guess i right i guess i was thinking you couldn't even no you can still come you can't have anything to do and you want it to be about them, obviously. But every other facet, you can make them come. Life is great.

Love you. Support you. Happy. Just best of friends. It's like having a best friend. You just go jerk off in the bathroom. Or whatever. That's true.

That's kind of like being married anyway. You get it. Yeah. I didn't even, for some reason, didn't. I haven't been ingesting these how I should. I took that as you just can't ever orgasm. Gotcha. But I get it now.

It's relating exactly to them. Yes. So if you're, let's say you're having sex for 10 minutes because you just can't. You can have sex as long as they want. It can make them the happiest person on the planet. Yeah. With just your normal dick. But let's say your dick's all big, so you

can't... Can you go into the bathroom and just rub one out? Because you're still kind of jizzing to them, because it's... Well, now you just can't... I mean, come on. Dicks are gonna be dicks. That's what my dad used to say. Like, it's just... You're gonna have to cum, and you're just gonna watch some porn, get it out, move on.

No, it's fine. But you make them happy, everybody's happy, but your cum just isn't tied to them. And I think that is okay with me. The other way around, just like having a cool trick dick. Swiss Army cock. Yes, but they don't actually truly love you. Swiss Army cock. Like, you want some scissors, a toothpick.

Why are there scissors next to the toothpick? Shut up! You never know, dude. You never know when you have to trim your toothpick. Why are there scissors next to the toothpick? Shut up! You never know, dude. You never know when you have to trim your toothpick. A saw. Mm-hmm. Got a saw in there, got a corkscrew. In case you're in the middle of nowhere drinking a bottle of wine, cut and twine.

Hey, if the mood strikes, bring in a bottle of wine. Yeah, for yourself. I mean, magic penis, but also, I mean, it doesn't have to just only be tied to sex you could have it could turn into anything at any time so you could like pick locks with it well you just be a traveling sideshow too like you can make some good money yeah like literally anything anybody needs your magic dick can turn into it but it's just the the partner doesn't truly love you you know i don't need love at that point yeah my dick can be anything right and it's not about it's not about you don't you're not my worth this dick's my work exactly okay still picking the person that loves me because i know how important that

is in life it's way better yeah i get lonely out there anybody need a skeleton key? You know what's funny? Is you see like... Anybody need a Bunsen burner? Shut up! Come on! A homeless stinky guy on the street with a Bunsen burner dick? Hot spoon! Who needs to warm up some crack?

I didn't bring my dab rig. I got you. I got you. I got you. I got you. Do you have a handkerchief? Do I? My hand dick can do five different things. Yes.

My tentacle dick. Yes. It could, I mean, it's a sight to see. I'm not denying you that. But I just feel like I want to be loved. Do you need love at that point? It's hard to tell, but I think that's all I know. You know? Yeah uh it is weird because sometimes i think about that like you you see people that are just kind of like

yeah they they're they're single and they're just mingling all over the place but are they in the you see in the movies of the show it's like but they're never really happy but the guy that has the family he's happy but the grass is always greener but they're never really happy. But the guy that has the family, he's happy. But the grass is always greener sometimes. You're like, I just want to go out and... What's the thing I don't have? My dick in everything.

Yeah. So... Been there, done that. It's not happy. Yeah. You know what I mean? Okay. Well, yeah.

I mean, that's speaking with someone from experience. But I'm also speaking from someone who doesn't have a fucking dick that can turn into anything. True. Trying to use my imagination. That changed your perspective. A little bit.

I mean, come on. It's a wild ride out there. I'm still picking love. Imagine that Tinder. Yeah. I know. Just like pictures of coral reefs. They're like, what the fuck is that?

That's my dick. Whatever you want it to be. Whatever you want. Tell me something you want. Is that your penis? Just, that's not what I said. Just name anything. Name anything.

She goes, I don't know. Fucking Volkswagen. And then like within three seconds, just you standing next to your couch with your pants down with a Volkswagen dick. Can she get in and drive it? Take a ride, baby. Yeah, saddle up. This is weirding me out, but I'm also pretty wet. Could be a horse dick where it's like shaved like a ride baby yeah saddle up this is weirding me out but i'm also

pretty wet could be a horse dick where it's like shaved like a horse anything i know be fun for a bit but yeah i'd probably get old because everyone would want you they're like okay uh i need a forklift and you're like you're so tired i feel like the military would grab onto your dick. Yeah, because you've got to be with your dick. It's not like, here, use it and bring it back. Use it and lose it. It's like, no, you have to be with it. So if you're, I want a nuclear bomb dick, you've got to be with it. Being part of a SWAT team.

The shield. It's your last warning. If you don't open up, we're bringing Joe's dick in. Yeah. And he's like, okay, okay, okay. The door opens right up, and you're just standing there with your pants down. You're like, ooh, good choice. Yeah, that was close call.

Good choice. You fucking Bunsen burner dicks. What were you going to do with a Bunsen burner? Set your door on fire. Oh. Close it. Lock it. I got a skeleton key, fuck god damn it every time he

he like throws a couch in front of the door turn this into a battering ram bulldozer dick dude get out of here god this guy's unstoppable is there is there a kryptonite to that yeah i mean just lopping it off something you just chop it off with an axe like we've covered. You still got a little stub, though. You can probably just turn that into smaller. As long as you have a urethra. Well, women have a urethra, too.

Don't they? Yeah. Just flip it. A vagina that can turn into anything. It's nuts. I'm going to get a lot of laughs from the ladies right there. Yes, we have urethras! Idiot! Alright, well, I'm going to get a lot of laughs from the ladies right there. Yes, we have urethras. Idiot. Three holes. All right. Well, I'm picking love.

Zach. Love. Love. All right. Whatever. Let's move on. What are you thinking about? Zach!

Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Huh?

Meeting somebody new and you're like nice to meet you nice to meet you your pants unzip itself and shake their hand it's like a cool trick and they're like whoa you got the job so this is a thought um that my dad had brought up my dad died did you hear about that no sorry about that yeah um so he's dead or whatever and he used to bring this up a lot growing up like just every now and again sprinkle it in and it stuck with me because i think about it too when i'm just out there navigating the globe i got places to go and i'm driving every now and again this thought creeps in so i figured i'd just bring it to our kids

to see if this is something I'm sure that a lot of people have thought about but maybe not to an extent of how insane it is that like driving driving around in cars actually works and it shouldn't

like imagine going down like a two-way, like a highway, right? And you're just supposed to, everyone's just supposed to stay on their side of the road. And I'm not saying that doesn't always happen. Like, driving is one of the

most riskiest things we do as humans that causes death. Besides brain cancer. Did I mention that my dad passed away? Mm-hmm. It was from brain cancer. Oh, yeah! So, there's a lot of things that kill people,

but driving is super risky, but it should be a disaster out there. Yeah, because a grocery store is a disaster. Everywhere you go, like, you go to your job, and you have co-workers, and you're like, you're a fucking idiot. But you both got there. And then at the end of the day, everyone that you're like, they're fucking dumb.

And you do dumb shit, too. So every now and again, they look at you and like, you're fucking dumb. So everyone's like, everyone around me a fucking idiot. At the end of the day, everyone gets in their car and for the most part always makes it home which is crazy when you realize how fucking stupid people are like you like oh like someone that comes into your lane a little bit doesn't use a blinker and you're like you fucking idiot it's like you should he should be in the sidewalk he should be inside the furniture store with how distracted people are. Like, it is nuts.

And they're way more distracted than in the past. Yes, it just gets worse and worse. Because driving down the freeway and everyone's just going, what, 80? Just like, they're like, stay between the lines. Like, before lane assist existed, before self-driving anything existed, people in their their dotsons were staying between the lines going 70 if it could if it could mustard up the speed to hit 70 and they're just cruising and they're their minds wandering and they're just zoned out and they're just looking down the road and for some reason the accident percentage isn't 800 billion times higher than it is right now you think about

the freeway here how many people are traveling on that right now and how many accidents are going to happen today maybe none none have you met people i feel like one is going i would i would bet my life that there will be one accident today just because of odds. It'll be nothing. Yeah. It'll be nothing. It'll be like, oh. But it should be much higher.

It should be. Everyone should be dead. When you think about how dumb people are and then how driving is. Like, you're controlling, you know, like that old saying, it's a fucking missile. And you're just driving it around. Yeah. And it's just, you're just cruising around like, and you're just driving it around yeah and it's just you're just cruising around like and you're like i'm bored and like you have a phone holder and you're like i guess i'll watch

a little show i guess i'll catch up on stranger things guess i'll dial in my am radio and find find a show to listen to yeah a little political talk show to fire me up yeah to zone me out while i drive this missile down the road and everyone's doing the same shit eating chex mix and you might be 16 yes that is another part of it is it's not just your age group driving on the roads and i know things have changed in idaho now but i do think back so picture me me, little Joey, and I'm in eighth grade, which is what Pepper is in right now. I look at her and I'm like, no, the last thing you should do is be driving a car. Let's work on you and then we'll work on the car. Right? But I was that same

kid. In eighth grade, I was getting my finger skateboard taken away. And then a month later, I had my driver's license. Joe! Joe! No!

Like, dropping it a little bit. Like, no. Nothing. No tech deck in class. No tech deck. And I'm like, the teacher's like, okay, once I open up to blah, blah, blah,

and I take that second to, like, all the book noise, he'd be like, I can 5-0 my math book. He'd be like, and then look over, and your friend would be like, sick. Nice. And he'd be like, Joe! And I'd be like, shit!

And then he'd be like, hand it up, end of class. You can get in. You're like, fuck. So I'm getting my fingerboard taken away. And then driving home from school. And maybe squeezed one pair of boobs and probably messed it up. And then a month later, I'm getting a driver's license. And then all my friends that are getting in my car are wearing JNCOs, which is a huge red flag.

Yeah. Like you can't. What responsibility do you have when you pull up and your friends walk out in JNCOs and they're like, we're going to be safe. All right. do you have when you pull up and your friends walk out in JNCOs and they're like, we're going to be safe. Alright. You know what's funny about that is I see JNCOs or JNCO things right now because that's kind of coming back. But it's like a trendy JNCO. When you wore JNCOs when they were originally out,

I don't even know how to push the gas pedal. That kid was a hoodlum. But we made it. I've never been in any car accidents. I'm damn close. one of the oh man this is a memory just popped in it was one of the first because i didn't get my own car when i first got my license so my brother had a car and then i had my driver's license to like still had to ride my bike sometimes you were the second kid you got all the hand-me-downs yeah i would like drive over

or i'd ride my bike to my friend's house to show my driver's license. Like, cool, dude. Sick. And they're like, oh, cool. Well, when you drive somewhere? Call me back. Come back when you have a car. Come back when you have a car. I was like, yeah, come on.

Get on my pigs. I just got some sick new pigs put on my mongoose. Hop on. No, it's a three-piece crank, dude. We'll get toald's in no time okay you know what's crazy and their jankos get caught in the fucking chain never made it to mcdonald's what's crazy is how many people grown adults around here are riding like mongooses around town yeah duis they'll get you yeah yeah no i mean they're doing the same

thing they're like dog just got my license yeah It's a little different, though, at 14, 15. Opposed to 35, 36. I know things happen. A lot of mongooses around. People make mistakes. You still have to get around. But anyway, yeah, just like, it's just a nightmare out there. And we're all somewhat making it pretty well.

Yeah. But we shouldn't be. No, it's the idea of like thinking about my kids getting their license and driving around town with other kids their age seems terrifying. I know. And then thinking about like the crazy thought is when Pepper does get her license, then she's going to have to drive Ezra to school. Like Paige. So now you're like her license daughter responsible enough to get herself and my son my my my kid and safely transport them around because one accident and they could be both gone i'm aware of that thank you

friend yeah that's kind of what the point I was making. Yeah, my dad died. Yeah. No, like, shit happens. But, I mean, I pulled it off. Shouldn't have. But did. I mean, they can pull it off, right? I think so. They have to.

You're like the starting quarterback, though. Come on. No, I didn't want to play quarterback. You were running back. I wanted to play running back. Yeah, that's right. So dexterous. Because then the other quarterback couldn't throw it, so what the fuck was the point? Yeah, just run the ball.

Exactly. Sounds like our team. Just Joe the ball. I don't know. Just Joe the ball and watch him run. That's what my friend Josiah used to always say. He's like, what play are you in the huddle? He's like, what play this we in the huddle?

He's like, what play this time? Give the ball to Joe and watch him run? And they'd be like, yep. That's what every team did when they had that kid. We definitely had that kid. Especially early on. And then I just didn't care enough. I just didn't work out.

So then we had to do other stuff. Because give the ball to Joe and watch him run wasn't enough. Do we really have to play these other kids? Like, damn, this guy is... Give the ball to Joe and watch him run wasn't enough. Like, do we really have to play these other kids? Like, damn, this guy is... Give the ball to Joe and watch him run's not working. We got to give the ball to Matt and watch him run the other way. We have to make them think

that we gave the ball to Joe and then give it to somebody else. It's not working anymore. They're getting smarter! I feel like being a good running back makes for a good driver i don't know why a good driver oh good vision yeah yeah good spatial awareness and shit i think really what it comes down to and uh it's it's how you uh it's your personality if you see driving as

something that you realize is dangerous and um you to be aware, those type of people are going to be fine. There's the people that are just like, they don't think of repercussions. They don't think of anything. It's just like, yeah, I'm just going to drive. Or they need something else. Like that is a problem with me driving. And I admit, if you want to hang out and have a good road trip then i gotta be in the passenger seat because if i'm driving i mean i'm checking the rear view

i'm checking the side i'm checking this i'm checking my hands i'm checking the other lane and i just go through the checklist i'm checking everything i'm not talking yeah i'm not fucking like i'm not i'm not gabbing about cool stories i'm fucking driving this goddamn car and i'm gonna shut down i'm going to shut down. I'm going into dad mode. I'm going to get you all where we're going safe. I'm going to do my goddamn best. When we get there, I'm going to be too tired to have fun.

Tomorrow, I'm going to be having a great time. If I get a good night's sleep. There's a good chance this trip is going to be three days of me having a bad time. But you're going gonna make it home safe cause I'll drive again cause I don't wanna talk listen I mean I get it it feeds itself but listen I don't drive so I don't have to

deal with the kids you know you signed up for it Amber always she drives she rides the passenger so if the kids need something she's gotta get it for them you ever do the reach back slap oh yeah do I? If the kids need something, she's got to get it for them. You ever do the reach back slap? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Do I? No. The kids, they need something. I've tried sitting there. I just get too annoyed. So I would just rather, like, I don't even want to drive all the time, but I would rather do that than be the person that needs to get my kids what they need. I'm getting them their safe.

I know. I'm just fucking with you. She can feed them. Almost every guy out there feels the same way. No one's going to be like, what's the seat where I have to care about everything else? You don't take that one. So what's over here? Oh, you just have to drive.

Oh, okay. I'll take the drive one yeah every single time anyway a miracle that we all it just works out like it shouldn't it shouldn't and sometimes it doesn't but a staggering amount of times we all make it to where we're supposed to go without getting a car accident which is pretty fucking crazy yeah i i agree man so good for us yeah good on us for and then a quick plug for uh when one self-driving car gets in a car accident calm the fuck down and don't think that it's terrible oh yeah you just ignored the other 85 000 that happened in your country that day they're gonna be like what just calm down that's what happens with tesla it's like tesla crashes it's like whoa there you go or it's like tesla catches on fire oh there's the problem dude as they're reading it while they're driving their car 70 down the road fucking tesla's so

stupid so dumb people always tell me like what happens if you get stranded in the road, like in traffic? I'll be like... Hasn't happened yet. I'll tell you when it happens. No. I would be like, it's fine because I'm not moving. I'm not using any battery. The car is idling and using all the gas.

They've got the problems. Nice. That's where the problem is. Some fucking idiot. I'm not using any battery. I'm just sitting here. Probably charging. Somehow somehow the whole time you were driving you were charging i think porn hub requires some battery i'm not sure oh yeah

that's true dude that'd be sweet all right let's move off to that flong is it cool then it's dick then it's dick so this story tell me about made me chuckle because art is a art is a weird thing it's like is it is like is this art or is this yeah okay because it's who determines what is art um this is deep right like you know well it's funny because it's always funny did an episode about it where it's like anything can be art if it's if the right people say it's art which is essentially true what it is and it's like so the mona lisa a great painting, but why is it a great, why is it any better than, it's usually because of the story of the artist who painted it determines whether it's good or not type of thing. The decades of training.

Oh yeah. The old school masters went like lifetimes training to paint like that. Yeah. Well, I mean, if you look at Renaissance art, like I took art as a minor in college and we, so we had to to we did all that stuff and so many of the artists they're like derivatives of each other but they're just as just as good sure uh but maybe you got to be the first i don't know it's whatever it's art is art art is art and i don't know what to do about it

that's really that's that's the name of your like autobiography yeah art is art and i don't know what to do about it i gotta i don't know what to tell listen you tell me like that the the bunny's picture that she drew yeah fucking killer love it uh but someone else would be like nope that's not exactly they're like missed all the shading yeah nope, that's not art. Exactly. They're like, missed all the shading. Yeah. Like, no, that's what the point was, is to, whatever. So it's all about taste and subjective, so fuck off. Okay. Speaking of taste. Yeah.

Do you like beer? Sure. Yes. You like art? All right. Beer can artwork accidentally thrown in the bin by staff member at Dutch Museum. That should be a sign it's not art. I know.

A mechanic working at the Lamb Museum in Lissy assumed the artwork entitled, All the good times we spent together was rubbish. And rubbish in the term of like in the brit or the europe version like trash yeah just a waste of time yeah well no if you're like there's rubbish is like rubbish is like oh that's rubbish that's that's garbage it's trash but then they actually call trash rubbish right right yeah like some rubbish in the bin yeah rubbish in the bin yeah it sounds like a something you find on urban dictionary yeah dude you ever done the al. Put rubbish in the bin. Yeah, rubbish in the bin. Yeah. That sounds like something you find on Urban Dictionary. Yeah, dude. You ever done the Alabama rubbish in the bin?

The old rubbish in a bin, yeah. First. A Dutch museum has recovered an artwork that looks like two empty beer cans after a staff member accidentally threw it in the rubbish bin, thinking it was trash. The word recovered. Yeah. Like it was a emergency rescue mission they're sifting through the trash no he just goes over there and just opens the lid and

he just picks out two cans and just puts them back down and the artist is like no no no that's a budweiser the other one walks over there rearranging the cans like stepping back and looking at it and be like nope god damn it this is not the vision of a good time he's like knocking one can over and putting it back up and if you're not looking at the audio or the video version it's one can of beer straight up and then the other one tipped over next to it it kind of and sort of caved in a little bit like sure sure because that's what it's all dented yeah what kind of beer is that a jub. Because that's what good times look like. What kind of beer is that? A Jubiler. Well, that's the whole

thing. It's not really beer. I'll show you, or I'll tell you. He made his own beer. That's the art. There you go. Tell me about it. A Dutch museum recovered an artwork that looks like two-edged beer cans after a staff member accidentally threw in the rubbish bin thinking it was trash. The work entitled

All the Good Times We Spent Together by artist alexandre levy appears at first glance to be two discarded and dented beer tins it's always a when the description of your artwork when they're like at first appears to be no two discarded beer cans and then that's what it is? Yeah. But if you look deeper, is there anything deeper? With no one with any knowledge of the artwork, they would think it was just two cans sitting on the floor. And you're like, God damn, like that means you should probably just another profession, maybe move mediums. Well, here's the thing about art too it's it art attracts very pretentious type of personalities too where it's like those are beer cans and and then you just get this obviously you don't have any taste or experience because that's obviously not two beer cans you know that's obviously

alexandre levon yeah it's like i don't know this looks like a couple of beer cans looks like a couple it looks like a fucking problem to me to an untrained to a to a guy that's picking up around the place that's what it looks like now if those cans were full and i could drink them it'd make this whole museum way cool yeah i would be enjoying myself i might buy some little buzz yeah i might be i might buy a fucking piece but right now i'm just gonna go fill these fucking cans away i would have loved if you would have grabbed it and like stomped on it like the old one and then just threw him in the thing good time yeah seems like seems like a great way to launder money the heavy art it's like two beer cans eight million dollars eight million dollars wink wink yeah yeah i know plus you can get them

insured once you get them appraised i know i have a hard time with the art world in a sense that I get it because I can look at those two little beer cans and I'd be like, okay, I got it. I motion to it. It might take me back to sitting down with some buddies, skateboarding, and there's beer cans and that's how it's just represented. So I got it. But then also, you can't be that pissed when someone throws it away. Yeah. Because it's two fucking beer cans on the floor in an art museum. Yeah.

So you got to have a little. I mean, at that point, you throw them in the trash can and then just push the trash can over there. Yeah, now the trash is art. And be like, this is just the next sequence in a good time. This was, yeah, it's a progression of the first piece of art. Of happiness. The progression of happiness. Beer cans in a

fucking trash can. If you stay around long enough, you get to watch them get thrown into a recycled fucking garbage truck. At what point does the person taking out the trash become art too? Yeah. Now you get it.

And, like, you have a recycled, like, a garbage... What do they call it? A recycled truck? It doesn't sound right. Is that what it is? Recycled truck. It's a garbage truck. Recycling truck. Recycling truck.

And then you have a recycling truck driving out to the landfill recycling center with just, like, a line of limos and bentley's following it out to watch the completion of the artwork yeah there's people at the dump waiting here comes the truck oh god that was a good time breathtaking that was a good time while they're holding their mic mask over their face it smells like shit in there bees everywhere god this suit's gonna smell like fucking fish fish and lumber like that the smell of an old tuna can like that when you sell your suit then you can put your suit up because it smells like okay

art that's art baby That's art, baby. That's the fun of it. Anyway, what were you saying? What was I saying? I want to learn more about why whatever beer Zach was asking about. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay.

So, however, a closer look shows that they are, in fact, meticulously hand-painted with acrylics and required a lot of time and effort to create according to the museum But their artistic value was was lost on the mechanic who saw them displayed in a lift and chucked them in the bin I love it. It's that's just how casually did it to just like Like smashes it with his hands yeah all right first he walked over he's like try to get any little bit out of it or picks it up like looks at the label he's like huh never had it like trying to look for the alcohol percentage he's like yeah shit sucks yeah throw in the bin fucking non-alcoholic beers get out of my fucking face.

Fruitkay Budding, the spokesperson for Land Museum in List, Western Netherlands, told AFP that artworks are often left in unusual places, hence the display in a lift. We try to surprise the visitors all the time, she said. Curator Elijah Van Dangberg returned from a short break and noticed that the cans had vanished came back from taking a shit wait that reminds me i got a couple beers in the car yeah fuck where'd they go she recovered them from the bin bag just in the nick of time as they were about to be thrown out so we almost had the landfill thing i gotta say calling it an artwork sounds weird yeah art unartwork right goofy yeah that's true tap now and i think that what is happening here that we're playing right into is that the fact that the cans were almost thrown out is now going to draw more attention to the art.

So this guy unknowingly just gave this piece of art more value. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. People are just going to be leaving trash around the place now. Art! Waiting for this guy to throw it in the trash and be like, What are you doing?

My fucking cigarette, bro bro yeah guy's just sitting there looking at the two cans like eating uh eating a hamburger he just takes the wrappers and throws it by the can what are you doing a good time that's happiness right there a couple beers and a hammer how much do you think that's worth he's like you. That's my artwork. He goes, worth more now. Pisses on it. Happiness. Happiness. Get it?

Happiness. And he just shakes it off. He goes, you're welcome. $4,000. Punches a hole in the wall. Walks around the corner. Art! Going around and snagging a friggingin used uh taking some other picture off the wall

and just smashing it next to the beer cans is a happiness good throwing in the corner art art oh wow art was over here and now it's in the corner gay used uh tampon yeah why not just throw it in the corner and fucking call it art um all right let's move off to our next story i love a good art story though what if you write something on the wall with in the blood and then throw the thing down yeah this is dumb dumb two dumb cans by dumb person arrow piss on it dumb uh so this is a really funny story, and I'll tell you why I thought that this was actually funny to me. So terrified woman forced to flee home after stranger breaks in, cleans the floor, and

takes out the trash. Nice. Yes. So a woman lived in a heightened state of anxiety after a man broke into her home, did some housework, and drank some wine. What a good dude. I mean, sure. But I have an angle here.

So a UK woman was left confused and shaken after a stranger broke into her house, rearranged items, emptied the trash bins, and even cooked a meal for himself. According to a report. Damien, not even gonna fucking try. Did you see this last name?

No. Won-jil- Won-jil- Wa-whiz? Where? Right here, honey. Oh, yeah. Won-jilowitz. What?

Uh, won-owowitz. It's probably the J's, probably silent. So it's Damien Won-owowitz. Sure. Won-owowitz. Damien Won-owowitz. Won-owowitz. 36 years old, admitted in court back on Thursday that he entered the woman's home back on July 16th in Monmouthshire, Wals, without permission while she was away at work.

Upon her return, the victim found several items out of place. This won't do. Victim seems a little excessive. Yeah, didn't do anything crazy. Like, you're welcome. Mm-hmm. You're welcome, you fucking slob. Instead of the victim, it should be like the person that benefited.

The lazy homeowner. Yeah. The woman with a shitty decorated living room and never takes her trash out. Or the un... Not the unthankful. Ungrateful. The ungrateful. There it is. Not unthankful. The ungrateful. There it is. The ungrateful.

I noticed a few household chores have been taken care of, according to BBC. She discovered her laundry hung out to dry. Stuff she didn't want to do. Refilled bird feeders. Cleaned floors. Groceries put away. The recycling bins emptied. And a note written by Najan Lewince. The message said, don't worry, be recycling bins emptied, and a note written by Najan

Lewince. The message said, don't worry, be happy, eat up, and scratch. Creepy. That is. Scratch. Just leave scratch off. Don't worry, be happy, eat up. Yeah, that felt weird.

And he's like, no, that won't do. Yeah. He's tapping the pencil on his mouth. He's like, it's got to be good. You've got to wrap this up perfectly. You've got to put a bow on it. he's tapping the pencil on his you know on his mouth he's like it's gotta be good it's gotta you gotta wrap this up like perfectly gotta put a bow gotta put a bow on it damien god you always do this you always do this you never you know how to start you don't know how to finish i got it and scratch excuse me put it down don't worry be happy eat up and scratch The unnamed woman Also found

Had consumed items from her kitchen Including a bottle of wine Instead of saying unnamed woman Let's just call her the ungrateful woman Ungrateful woman Also found that I wondered if it was somebody who knew me If it was going to turn into a stalking incident

If he knew I lived alone And if I had been targeted The ungrateful woman said to BBC, I was too scared to stay in my own home and stayed with a friend. Let's relax a little bit. What, the floors were too clean? Yeah. And relax, lady. You're thinking pretty highly of yourself. You think you got a stalker going on.

Yeah. It's like, no, he came in. He's like, I would stalk you, but this place is a wreck. Yeah, this is gross. He says, look at those beer cans over there. What is this, art? According to court documents obtained by the outlet, Wojniewicz was later arrested for another burglary.

Okay, so maybe she is. I was waiting for that part. In in that instance he washed his clothes and consumed the owner's food so this guy's not all there but when i first read it i was thinking like this is a man who just got fed up with dating apps he's like i'm gonna go show i'm gonna go show a woman how much i could do for her yeah and he's like it's just he's like i'll go in here just take care she shows up she called the cops on him yeah he's dressed like a butler she. And he's like, it's just, he's like, I'll go in here and just take care. She shows up. And then she called the cops on him.

Yeah. He's dressed like a butler. She walks in, he's like, shing, like takes the top off the dish. Welcome home.

With a glass of wine, like sparkling floors. The whole living room is rearranged. Bird feeders full. Yeah. Yeah. Bird feeders full.

I mean, that's awesome. Yeah. What do you think he was doing like he's scrubbing the dishes like god haven't these have been clean in years looks at the kitchen window and he's like it was like little squirrels just looking around for food yeah there's a bird like hovering like a bird just like, hmm. He looks hungry. Oh my god. Takes his apron off. Hangs up the towel.

Whips the towel over his shoulder. Starts looking around for bird feed. He goes, it's right here. Why don't you just walk out there? Dead birds never gets it. This ungrateful woman. Gets a ladder out. While he's up there,

he's like, some weed and feed would really help out this lawn. God damn it. All right. That's a perfect way for all the birds to come back. Like just like a mentally ill Cinderella. Goes back inside.

Goes back inside, yeah. Finishes the job. Finishes the job. He's watching the birds eat and he goes, she's going ill like Cinderella. Goes back inside. Goes back inside, yeah. Finishes the job. Finishes the job. He's watching the birds eat. And he goes, she's going to love this. Oh, shit. Got a little spot on my... I got to wash my clothes.

Might as well wash hers too. And the trash isn't out. Dude, how... It's making it sound even more ungrateful. I know. I know. This guy did... He did more than you than any

other man yeah and you're like you know what i want a restraining order typical women are like i just don't know what men want like i i just want a man can't find a good man i want a man who loves me who will do things without me having to ask them i'm so sick of having to tell my husband to fix this feed Feed the bird feeder. Feed that. Do all this stuff. I just wish I could find a man. This guy does it and she calls the cops.

She's like, get the fuck out of my house. And complains. And he's like, so. Ladies, this is why you have magazines. Can you imagine? She walks in like, doors like like opens up and he's just standing there and he's

like takes the top off he goes dinner is dinner is get the fuck out of my house okay and just puts the top back on he goes I get why you'd say that

you should know your bird feeders are full you should know your bird your laundry is done and folded and put away I did some weed and feed on your lawn it was atrocious I did some weed and feed on your lawn.

It was atrocious. I did your taxes. They were past due. It didn't look like you filed an extension. I knew your password because your password was hidden in the closet where I had to also do a little sprucing up. I cleaned up a little bit. There's flowers in the bin. Let's all get out of your hair.

He shut the door and he goes, oh, I left a scented candle lit in the bedroom. I want to blow that out. Get out of here! You creep! If you need me, I'll be down the street robbing another house. Get out of here! I'm going to call the cops!

Okay, okay, okay. So rude! Anyway, your eyebrows look like shit. Get of here god i wish i could find a man to have a man here to protect me from men like you like that who do everything who do everything that i would ever want them to do but i can't realize that they're actually a good person all right let's move off to our next dick and and then we'll do it. I know. Relax. If they don't know that by now, like they're two and a half years into the fucking show. Does he actually think that way?

I'm not going to listen to this show anymore. Unbelievable. Sexist piece of shit. Bad people. All right, I'll read this one. This one made me laugh. So the world's biggest pearl, a Filipino fisherman slept next to a 100 million. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Can you say that again? Yes. The world's biggest. No, no, no. Go back. The first line. The world's biggest pearl. What else did I fucking read?

Sorry. Sorry. The Filipino fisherman. Filipino fisherman. You said a Filipino fisherman. You sure did. And it was funny. It just.

Oh, is he a man? Is he is he a man is he a fisherman or is he a fisherman what is he a fisherman is he two of them threesome sex he's a fisherman a filipino fisherman slept next to a 100 million dollar treasure for 10 years god this is so cute picture this look at that artwork is that art no it doesn't have beer in it the clam would say so picture this you're a fisherman waking up before the sun rises preparing your boat for another day of work in the tranquil waters of palawan philippines you spent your life casting nets hauling in your catch and making an honest living for the sea from the sea not for the sea that'd be weird just catch fish and throw it back in

you're welcome i look at how much i'm feeding you guys where's my chick see but one day while you're checking your lines you come across something that could change your life forever back in 2014 one fisherman's routine fishing trip turned into an extraordinary find. He didn't reel in the largest fish or discover some ancient shipwreck brimming with gold. No. What he found was something far more remarkable. A giant pearl! It was in bold.

It wasn't in caps, but I felt like I had to. It needs something. I mean, weighing about 75 pounds. I mean. That's gnarly. I like pearls as much as the next guy. That seems like a, like if you brought that for a Christmas gift, like, oh, got one more gift.

Bring the, bring the box in from the, from the garage for mom. It's 75 pound pearl. On a, you know, like a red wagon. On a necklace. Put it on. I don't red wagon wagon on a necklace put it on i don't think i shouldn't put it on put it on come on it has like an industrial strength chain come here give me your head give me your head all right you got it yep smash your face into the floor it's beautiful you're covering it in blood yes in a turn of events,

it seemed like a plot out of a comedy film. He had no idea what he had stumbled upon. The larger-than-life pearl didn't go straight to a museum or auction. Instead, it went under the fisherman's bed where it stayed for 10 long years as a simple good luck charm. Oh, so you get where this is going.

Eventually, just continuing on with his life for a decade and then eventually like a friend was like you should get that you should take a look at that hey remember that giant pearl i mean that you and i don't like i've done fishing i've had friends that have gone to alaska if you're from the Northwest, that's not like crazy uncommon to head up and have like a winter job or a summer job fishing in Alaska. I mean, I never did it, but I've heard the horror stories. And then I had a friend that hated it so much.

And then he went back. Good money. That's it. Like it was miserable. All he talked about was how fucking terrible it was. And then nine months later he goes anyway heading back up to alaska yeah and he's six seven like he was huge and he's not like i mean i love you buddy but like work ethic not like through the roof and you're six seven

sleeping in like fucking boat bunks and he's talking about how much pain he was in like almost losing his head when a fucking rope snap jesus like you never get to sleep because like something happens and you have to be awake forever because guys yelling at you to make him a bunch of money while you make like okay money and he was like dude it's terrible anyway i'm gonna head back it's like i got abusive relationship yeah yeah yeah he loves me she stabbed me in the neck with a fucking what a steak knife yeah so anyway it means well though anyway i gotta go pick her up from jail she needs a ride home and you're like okay well i'm glad i kept my mouth shut because we've played this game before all right but can you imagine like having a little

something like that and just pushing a 75-pound pearl under your bed? The life of a fisherman, it's hard. Ten years. At the very least, having someone look at it. Sorry, it's the fisherman. I think I said fisherman.

Fisherman. Go ahead, back to you. I was just going to say, something that crazy, you'd think probably should get it looked at by somebody. Yeah, it's like a tumor. Eventually, it's so big, you're like, I should have someone take a peek at this.

How do you not know what it is? Not that they don't know what it is, but see something and go like, God, this feels like something. For the visual audience, if you pull it up, Zach! It doesn't look like a pearl okay so it looks like just a fucking a shiny blob plastic so it's not in its normal shape but it's fucking massive and it was obviously inside the biggest clam i could possibly imagine yeah it looks like a like a fist, kind of. Yeah.

I mean, 75-pound pearl? Get the fuck out of here. First of all, your triceps are sick. Your biceps, your triceps, your fucking lats to haul in. Because it got caught on his anchor. I'm guessing, I don't know, they didn't talk much about his fishing bow. Maybe the anchor was manual. Or not manual, automatic. He's like... So it pulled it right up. I don't know. They didn't talk much about his fishing bow. Maybe the anchor was manual. Or not manual, automatic.

He's like... So it pulled it right up. He's not fighting an animal that's trying to get away from you, though. So I guess it's not... Like a swordfish. Got another big one! You're trying to swim away from you. Wear it out. Wear it out.

It's not fighting. It's heavy, but it's not fighting. It's a 75-pound shiny rock. I'll just put it under my bed. What are you going to do with that? I'm going to get it spun under my bed. I don't know. I'm fucking exhausted. I'll just put it under my bed.

I'll check it out tomorrow. Ten years later, the guy's like, did you ever get that looked at? He goes, dude, it's so heavy. He goes, once I got it down there, I was like i'm not getting this i'm not doing that again i'm not doing that thing sucks so heavy and weird shape so slippery yeah i was thinking about that you might want to get that looked at you could have

been retired like 10 years ago i know that's what i'm that's the thing is going through the amount of days you've had to go through doing that when you had a hundred million dollars just sitting right there to never have to fucking do shit again you have generational wealth underneath your cot yeah you can just hire everybody else start your own little fishing fleet if that's your passion passion and do that and have so many fishermen's i would think that someone's in that can't be their passion like they want people like it there's people that love fishing i get it like love it like that's what they do that's people that love fishing. I get it. Like, love it. Like, that's what they do. That's what they love.

I have, yes, I know. I'm very aware. Maybe not commercial fishing. But yeah, that's what I'm saying. But also commercial fishing. They love it, too. Yeah, $100 million. Cassie's family's in it.

That's how I know. But like, you don't like being down at the bottom level of doing shit. But you start there. You get understanding, then you make enough money, hopefully you buy another boat, then you hire out, then you have two people.

Then you're Bubba Gum. Yep, then you just keep going and hire it out and get a fleet where you get to manage it, but you also get to go down there and be a part of it. You buy $100 million, I wouldn't be building a fleet of fisherman boats,

I can tell you that much. Because we will. It'd be weird on Moses Lake. Just catfish and... Catfish and mud? And people on jet skis? Got another ski-do. Shit, another lawsuit.

Yeah, no, caught another one. More catfish or jet skier? Do I want to lose all my money that I won in a lawsuit? Or just put it away and be done with it? I mean, that's your problem for having a fishing fleet on fucking Moses Lake. But on the ocean, they make some damn good money. Whoever I ask for advice. Yeah.

They got some damn good money out there on the ocean catching stuff. I mean, there's a reason my buddy went back. It's money. Yeah, it's good money. Hard work. But if you're not doing that hard work because you already did it, now you can afford to pay other people to do it to make you some money. Why would that not be a good investment? Because I feel like if you had $100 million, just get out of it.

You are out of it. No, you're not. God, dude. Because it's your passion, you're saying. Oh, yeah. We don't have to go down there and fish. No, but you got to do something. You got one degree to separation.

No, you don't. You're hiring somebody that's hiring somebody. have you ever talked to someone who doesn't have to work for a living they ever think like oh i wish i was grinding grinding again instead of doing whatever the fuck i want that's what i'm saying you have 100 million dollars you don't need to do any of that oh i think we we had a miscommunication yeah so i'm saying 100 million dollars to have a fishing fleet to feel like you're in fishing without having to do fishing and still make a fuck ton of money. Yeah. That's what you could do with $100 million. Still got to put the money up.

You could still lose it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. There's still risk involved. Mm-hmm. What the fuck else are you doing? Are they just blowing it? No.

Or are you going to invest it? No, you invest it. In what? Something that's not risky? The stock market. No risk there. There's not risky? The stock market... No risk there. There is no risk in the stock market. As long as you stay in.

Anybody that's ever invested money in the stock market, if you wait long enough, you're never going to lose money. It always goes up. It does. Always? Yes. Every single thing? Yes.

Well, no. You play it safe. You play safe. You put it in ETFs. Yeah. Like S&P 500. Mm-hmm. Yep. If you put money in S&P 500 right now and you come back to me 20 years later, you will

have made money. Or I could put $100 million into a fishing fleet and fucking double it in five years. Yeah, maybe you fish all the fish out and there's no fish to catch. You put $100 million in a high-yield savings account? Give me 50 years, I'm going to have fucking 105. No. Making 5%? Yeah, 5.

5 million. A month? Oh, God. All right, let's move on. Let's do the hooray we're not doomed. Zach, roll it. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed.

Yeah! All right, so I read this headline, and my brain didn't quite connect the dots, and I'm wondering if your guys' can too. Pet lost for 30 years found alive in owners Attic My first thing was like is this dog ears. Yeah Right, cuz I smell I was like that if that's a real right, but then I realized that there are other pets Yeah, but I didn't I didn't have that in my brain when I first was like fucking no way

clickbait headline As sad as it can be Oh a tortoise yes but even crazier dude this poor fucking turtle 30 years in a fucking attic because the turtles are like turtles are like like he's like in like wait till you see what he lived in Wait hold on imagine like a dog Or an animal that's like Hey I'm up here The turtle essentially is yelling

But he's just going And their little steps are just like Like a dog would be like Scratching on the wall freaking out Just losing their shit and the turtle's like I, I don't know. This is fun. As sad as it can be to see a sign for a missing pet hanging in the store or on a telephone pole, it is incredible heartwarming to learn when a fur baby has been reunited with his family. Oftentimes, it's not a fur baby.

I know. The reunions happen days after the pet went missing. But occasionally, it could be weeks or even years later. However, one beloved animal has all of these other reunions beat. The pet was found alive a whopping 30 years after it went missing. As if that weren't crazy enough, it turns out that during those three decades, the animal was in the same house as its family, living right above their heads in the air. They're like, huh. I swear he was right here.

He was right. I mean, how? 30 years ago, he was right here. And then mean how 30 years ago he was right here and then just like still waking up yeah i'm like fucking kills me not today how fast are these motherfucking tortoises i always thought that they would win the race because they're steady because they're steady and slow but right to the addict it may seem impossible to find any animal to live so long under these conditions but it's something that's something that the family's pet could do since it was a tortoise named

Manula. Manula. Manula avant-garde. Yeah. When she first disappeared, the family just figured Manuela got out while they were having electrical work done on their house in Rio de Janeiro. Brazil. They just got the fuck

they're like, I don't know, she must have got the fuck out of here. It's so funny. They just, where was the turtle to begin with when you're having electrical work

and it's just roaming around? This guy's like trying to change a, like a light socket and his turtle's like, hee. He's laying on his back and he just walks up

and he's like, oh, good little turtle. Hee. Hee. God, you shouldn't be out. He's like, oh, good little truck. God, you shouldn't be out. He's like kicking the fucking turtle away from your feet. God damn it, Manuela, get the fuck out of here.

The family searched for her at the time, but they're so big. Well, not all of them, but they can get really big. They just figured she was gone and moved on with their lives. Aside from occasionally remembering her fondly, they didn't think about Manuela until 30 years later when the family's patriarch sadly passed away. Around that time, relatives went into the attic to clean out some of his belongings. And that's when they discovered Manuela in an old wooden speaker box. How did it eat?

Alive and well. Exactly. So they think it ate larvae, like termite larvae. And then that also was enough to give the water that it needed. And here's some crazy shit. Okay. As far as how she survived so long, tortoises can actually go between six months and three years without food. That's crazy.

What? I am hungry. God, I'm'm hungry two and a half years in oh boy boy i guess i gotta leave my speaker box oh look at this larva i'm good for another two years back into my speaker box yeah so termite lava or larva because there wasn't much food around she likely got the moisture intake from the young insects or insects as well the surprises didn't end after finding manuela either following her discovery the family took her in for a checkup and learned that she was actually male so manuel manuel as she is now known is still healthy although he gets to eat and drink more often these days than he did

over the last 30 years no word on his exact age but tortoises can live to be 255 years old speaker bugs just what a sad life god that fucking kills me another day in the attic yeah wonder if they'll come up here and look through some stuff. That's so, like 30 years. 30 years! 30 years in the grand scheme of the world is nothing. Nothing. But when you think about it in like your life, like how long 30 years has been. Almost all of it.

How old are you, 39? Yeah. So when you were nine years old, if you just were missing in there till right now. Just went and lived in a speaker box and ate termite larva. Just like, hey, hey. Today's the day. God. Maybe they'll

come look for some stuff. But yeah, I mean, I'm guessing a lot of that was just day in and day out laying in a speaker box. Yeah, dude. Just fucking laying there. And everyone down below is like, happy Thanksgiving! And then the turtle closes its eyes,

opens it back up, and he's like, Happy Thanksgiving! For 30 years! All the different pets that they had in 30 years. They had like three or four dogs, cats, and their original pet has been up in the attic the whole time. Turtle's up there just

critiquing the alesco work looking like he didn't do that right what if they got another turtle oh what i want to know is how how often did they get up into the attic did they get to the attic well no how did how did they not go up to the attic in that span of time i mean they could have they didn't mention in the arctic or the article just didn't mention it in the article. Just didn't check the box. Who's checking a speaker box for a turtle 20 years later? It comes up the attic.

What if that fucking turtle's in here? And it's just like, it's looking at a little hole. It's like, and the person's like, Ghost! What is that noise? Ghost, okay.

No one go to the attic again. There's a ghost up there. No, the object is, the attic is off limits. The turtle's just like. This is so sad as shit. Guess I'll go back to the speaker box. It was so close to being found.

It's where a little sheet. There's a tiny ghost in the attic no one go up there back to my speaker box to just lay just lay 30 years well the good news he has a whole life ahead of him that's true he has 200 more years to go 205 years ahead of him all right moving off zach the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right Let's check it out. Together.

As a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Alright, we're going to stay kind of in the realm of just crazy years passing. Being forgotten. Yes, essentially. Woman gets reply about a job application 48 years on.

Must be over the pond. Because no one says 48 years on over here it's when i read the first time i i was like whoever wrote this article just stop typing the headline 48 years on what's that what's that yeah i'll print just let me finish up this all right hang on you know? I'll just hit submit. This will work. A woman who spent 48 years wondering why an application for her dream job was never answered has finally found out why. On. Tizzy!

That's a funny name. Tizzy Hudson, 70, from Gedney Hill in Lincolnshire, could not believe her eyes when she opened the post to discover her original letter applying for a job as a motorcycle stunt rider. That's fucking awesome. Sent in January 17,

1976. Had been stuck behind a post office drawer all these years. That's funny. So the whole idea that I thought was like, look what I found in this segment is the person going, look what I found in this segment is the person going, look what I found. Despite getting lost in

the post, the setback did not hamper her daredevil career as she found a job that took her all over the world. And this is what I find the most crazy. Describing the letter being returned is amazing. Miss Haasen, I always wondered why I never heard back about the job. Now I know why. Because you're no good. Check out her

life though, dude. At the top of the letter, a handwritten note that reads No, I know why. Because you're no good. Check out her life, though, dude. Okay. At the top of the letter, a handwritten note that reads, Late delivery by Staines Post Office. Found behind a draw. Sick. Only about 50 years late. Ms. Hudson doesn't know who returned the letter or how it even found its way to her.

How they found me when I moved houses 50-odd times and then moved countries four or five times is a mystery, she said. It means so much to get back to me all this time later. I remember very clearly sitting in my flat in London typing a letter. Can you imagine, like, oh, I'm going to get this job. I can't wait to jump motorcycles for a living. Every day I looked for my post, but there was nothing there, and I was so disappointed because I really, really wanted to be a stunt writer on a living. Every day I looked for my post, but there was nothing there, and I was so disappointed because I really, really wanted to be a stunt writer on a

motorcycle. Luckily for Mrs. Hodson, the silence following her application did not put her off from trying for other jobs. Yeah, I guess I'll just go be a be an accountant. I guess I'll do something, yeah. What else am I good at? I'm good at losing letters. I'll go work at the post office. Nice.

She moved to africa worked as a snake handler and horse whisperer learned to fly and became an aerobatic pilot and flying instructor that's awesome looking so uh looking back at the letter she went uh looking back at the letter she sent when she was just starting out, Ms. Hudson said, I was very careful not to let people who were advertising for Stunt Rider know that I was female or that I thought I had no chance of even getting an interview, which sucks.

What a time. I even stupidly told him that I didn't mind how many bones I might break because I was used to it. Seems incredible to get the letter back after all this time. If I could speak to my younger self, I would tell her to go and do everything I've done. I had such a wonderful time in life, even though I've broken a few bones. What's crazy to me about how life works out, it's like, what if she would have got this job? I mean, maybe it would have been awesome, but what she'd like two stunts and she died and look at all this stuff

that she was able to do because she didn't get that job because a letter slipped through the cracks fucking life poof yeah it's wild maybe she gets just get started in her career and fucking dies and yeah or she just gets started in her career and fucking dies. Yeah, or she just gets started and they're like, you're shit! Yeah, and she goes, listen, we'll get you on the motorcycle in a second. We need you at the fucking candy bar. Can you run the snack shack for a bit? And then she does that, gets depressed, goes somewhere else.

Kills herself. Meet some other guy. Well, I wasn't going to say that. Alright, meet some other guy. Well, I wasn't going to say that. I meet some other guy. Guy's like, you're never riding airplanes. I care about you too much. Has some kids. Settles down. None of this ever happens.

Then she gets this letter later and she goes, fuck. Then she kills herself. Then she kills herself. Zach? There it is. I know, but those little tiny coincidences in life change everything. What are we doing? There's a picture of her and her pilot in her airplane.

Look at those little owl. What is that, a hawk? It's a hawk. If you never mentioned the hawk. She was a bird handler, remember? She's a falconer. She's a falconer. She's a birder.

She's a birder. The blue-bellied titty? She's a falconer. She's a falconer. She's a birder. She's a birder. The blue-bellied... Blue-bellied titty falcon. Titty fucker. Airplane titty breasted fuck red. Falcon. All right, let's move on. Stepmom fuck.

Titty grab ass fuck. Let's hear from some of the kids. Okay. Okay. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Coming in from our son, Caleb.

In Nashville? Fingertips, complainer, that's sad. You guys were talking about rock bottom at a strip club, and it reminded me of the most depressing thing I've done in my life. There we go. Caleb, that's how you fucking set it up, dude. You get it. Let me tell you a story. It's Thanksgiving Day

2016 and there's a turtle in our attic. There I was. There I was. Lost my turtle 25 years ago. No, Thanksgiving Day 2016. And I'm single and living alone in beautiful Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Ooh, South Dakota's a good one.

South Dakota. Sioux Falls, South Dakota flows so nice. South Dakota. I had decided to not leave Sioux Falls that year. For whatever reason. Funny sentence.

Nope, stay put. There I was. Decided whether to leave and stay in point. There I was. Decided whether to leave and chase my dreams. There I was, not leaving Sioux Falls. And thus was chilling for the holidays. On this particular Thanksgiving day, my friend, who we will call Amy to protect her identity, her name's probably Amy, but invited me to a local bar that was serving a Thanksgiving buffet. Boof it.

You get it. A Warren buffet. Thanksgiving boof? Just shoving mashed potatoes and ground turkey in your butthole? I am full. Thanks. I am stuffed. I am stuffed.

You guys know which way? Cranberry sauce? Anyway, back to the bar. If a Thanksgiving buffet at a townie bar in South Dakota sounds depressing. You're right. It was. But it wasn't depressing enough. We could make this more depressing.

And as two single people on Thanksgiving, we really wanted to lean into the tragedy of it. This is a good comedy. That's when I proposed my idea. Well, he didn't propose that's that's good we go to the sioux falls lone titty bar which doesn't even allow full nudity on thanksgiving day there's a comma but also like they just cover their titties on thanksgiving day yeah they have little no like no gobblers here that's right we got respect we're sweet yeah we're a classy joint here crazy cover them titties on thanksgiving day what could be more depressing than that it turns out nothing when we walked in

the bouncer noticed my military id in my wallet and offered me a military discount on the cover i said but it's only five bucks and hustled by once inside the dimly lit room, I could see that the C-list of strippers were working this night. You ever wondered what the physical embodiment of road hard and put up wet looks like on a person? Imagine the sort of woman stripping at a titty bar in Sioux Falls on Thanksgiving.

To call it tragic is an understatement you got a little gravy listen lady i'm just lucky to be here amy and i had two drinks and left after two dances I almost read that as two decades. Amy and I left after two dances and the worst lap dance I've ever received. I've never gotten a lap dance where I didn't get hard before that day. And it high-key ruined lap dances for me. Which, to bring this to a conclusion,

is how I hit rock bottom at a titty bar can you imagine getting a dance and you're just you're like no nothing you're not getting anything out of it it's so crazy would you like a second helping no thanks no second helping nope all set you're gonna give me that gravy big boy i am not going to pass the gravy no thank you love the show been listening since another oddly familiar show and really enjoy the laughs make brian read oh make brian read this email so i can scream at my car stereo in frustration please sorry you can scream at it for me yeah joe was kind of choppy through there i wasn't get the fuck out of here you can use my real name. Caleb.

You read that one because I have to read this next one. Yes. Go ahead. God, that's funny, dude. That is rock bottom. But also, you're never going to forget it. So was it really? There's been better times in your life that you'll never remember. And that's a memory you just shared and made other people laugh. So that's not

rock bottom. You there's you gotta go back to the titty bar on a different holiday and try christmas this time try christmas you want to see sadness easter guess where they put the eggs

would you like another egg no thanks this eggnog sucks this eggnog it's not eggnog that's not eggnog it's not eggnog sucks. This eggnog. It's not eggnog. It's not eggnog. It's not eggnog.

And then freeze Freeman. All right. Second email is coming from our angry son, Jacob. He is fucking livid. Irate. Scorpino. Irate was the name of the stripper at the other club. I rate you as a one. I rate you as a one.

I rate you as a one, and I have to go home. All right. Lieutenant Memes here. Yeah, that's Corvino. Corvino. Love the show. Loyal listener. Blah, blah, blah.

If you read this on the show, you get it. What? I don't know. We're about to get it, I'm sure. I got a little behind listening, but all caught up now. I was super stoked about hearing my email read on the show about when the Northwest was burning an acreage to football field

conversation. What not. The conversion thing, yeah. Then, not only did you misread my information from the initial picture. You didn't even mention the other fucking information to accurately give the

mental picture! My voice is cracked. He is mad. That's not why I'm here, though. Making small mistakes happens, and I forgive you and always love you, Joe. Nice. But fuck you, Brian!

Always talking shit. Like, he's got bad punctuation. Love you, Joe. Nice. But fuck you, Brian! Always talking shit. Like, he's got bad punctuation. Oh, run on sentences. Where's the comma? Yeah. Okay. Did you just start a sentence with a conjunction?

Manipulate the parallel structure? And end it with a preposition all at once? This guy, right, Joe? Got it. Can you not form a proper paragraph? No, motherfucker! I don't compose a series of emails every day. I'm a chef. The only time I'm even around a computer

is to clock in and clock out. I could be braggadocious and regale you about I've been doing this for 20 years how I've probably forgot more shit than you even know about the industry. How I can make my family and friends delicious fine dining quality meals

like, good luck even pronouncing these properly, you fuck. Foie gras. Foie gras. Foie gras. Coctavine. Coctavine. in these properly, you fuck. Foie gras. Foie gras. Foie gras. Cock to vine. Yeah. Cock-a-vine.

Casio e pepe. Amitriciana. Casule. Buo. Buo. Buo. Buo. Buo.

Buo. Buo. Buo. Buo. Buo. Buo. Buo. Buo.

Buo. Buo. Buo. Buo. Buo. Buo. Buo. Croquet.

Croquet. Croquet. Now I could torch you with the other hard-to-pronounce French and Italian dishes, but I'm certain at this point your tongue is a little confused. It's like my commie Uncle Zach says, Boyan, don't be a cunt. I just wanted to get that off my chest. You guys.

You got to do this. Come on. I just wanted that off my chest to you guys you know i just wanted to get that off my chest to you guys and how brian should stop being a big dumb bitch about something as stupid as punctuation it's english for fuck's sakes we have like 30 definitions for the word set. And you want to piss and moan about run-on sentences? If it makes sense, that's all that matters!

Anyways, daddies. Don't think I stopped. I don't know what that means. Still loving. Huh? Probably listening. Oh. Yeah, still love you lots and lots.

Hugs and tugs. Check for shoes. Hey, can I get a... Hey me! Hey me! Can you give and lots. I'm going to stop the sentence for you. Hugs and tugs. Check for shoes. Hey, can I get a, hey me. Hey me. Can you give him one? I just did. Give him a good one. That's all he gets.

Okay. Yeah, you fuck. I guess a boy can hold his breath in Baja or whatever. Love your favorite steps on Enlisted in the Scatcast Army with Tenet Memes. Tenet Memes. Oh, jeez. And I haven't responded to that email because i wouldn't just read it on the show so what's your response

yeah well i it's funny that it's the chef thing because i worked with chefs when i worked in spices and chefs were always like pompous assholes. So that's what you think this is? No. No, we don't. Stop it. I don't think that. We love you, Lieutenant Memes. Sorry for making you upset. All right, let's wrap some shit up.

If you want the bonus content, that's where we're going next. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. You can also find the link in the episode description. Follow us on Instagram and Facebook. Fuck you, Jacob! Posting a bunch of new shit right now can you know podcast where you find it about the youtube version just search for the show and then send things in we were mentioning earlier about needing some more petty beefs go

ahead and do that everyone's mad at somebody as you just witnessed between brian and lieutenant memes hey guys at can you know podcast.com then rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast it goes a long way lieutenant memes you can call me General Grammar or something like that. That'll work. Yeah. Except the G's don't make the same sound in those two words. Not all the time, but that's why you're a general. G-G-G-General.

Thanks to Uncle Zach producing today's show. Check out the podcast that Zach does at scatcast.com. And that is scat with a K. Thanks to the babysitters that moderate. Or moderate? Moderate. The Can You Don't Facebook page, which is the Can You Don't Playground. Search for it.

Join in there. It's a fucking shit show. You have a little joke for us or something? Sure do. All right. Zach! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? What? You have a little joke for us or something? Sure do. All right. Zach! Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? What? I was going to make a Jacob joke, but I'm not going to. Okay. How much does it cost to swim with sharks? I don't know. An arm and a leg. Oh, my God.

Because they bite them? Mm-hmm. How much does it cost to swim with sharks in the cage, bro? An arm and a leg. Oh my God. Because they bite them. How much does a swim with sharks in the cage cost? Like inside the cage where you're safe. 500 bucks. I mean, you're only safe if you get a shark that can't fit through the cage. If they could fit through the cage thing, I could punch a shark. They could fit through the cage.

That's what they recommend doing is punching a shark. Yeah, punch him in the nose. Get out of here. Finger those leather gloves. Remember trying to punch things in water? That's always really effective. Especially a shark. That's a good point.

That's okay. Never swam with sharks. I have no desire to do it. Fuck no. Just going to put that out there. It'd be cool to be in one of those cages, though. I'll watch the video. Have you seen how they'll bust through those things? Yeah. Yeah, I'm not saying

I would do it. But I would think. Yeah, what a thrill. Just watch Shark Week and let somebody else do it. That's what I'm saying. Alright, let's get on for the bonus stuff. Good thing. Bye.