Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Mailman. Fiancé. Chess. Safety Meeting.

Episode Date: January 24, 2024

If you were going on a swimming with sharks expedition and the guy giving you the safety briefing was missing a fair amount of limbs... would that change anything for you? Let's talk about that, Bryan flopping his dong around in his living room window, helping so many people track down their stolen bikes, getting stripped of your medals for pooping in a bathtub, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/DiQrt9wRkXQSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Mailman. Fiance. Chess. Safety meeting. Remember Randy Moss? Yeah. 84. 84. Man, the hands on that fella. Yeah. He was fast, too.

What? A set of hands on that guy. How you doing, Joe? I'm doing okay. You doing all right? I'm tired. You sound a little... I slept. I got a little something going on.

The kiddos were sick this past weekend. One was pretty sick. And I think it's catching up to me. Woke up at 2 or 3 o'clock in the morning last night and I was like, oh no! How did pretty get thrown in that? I'm pretty sick. You look good while you're sick? I'm pretty sick.

Oh, I see. I am gorgeously sick. Yeah, gorgeously sick. We were joking'm sitting up. I'm pretty sick. Oh, I see. You know what I mean? I am gorgeously sick. Yeah. Gorgeously sick. We were joking around about that before we started recording today, because at the moment that we record episode 84, it is dumping snow in beautiful

downtown Spokane. Yeah, we're about to get half of snow, the wrapper snow. What are we getting? Six inches? Yeah. Twelve inches of snow? Uh-huh. What are we good at? Six inches? Yeah. 12 inches of snow? Uh-huh.

The pass is saying like 24 to 38 with 50 mile an hour winds. I'm like, I'm so pumped. I'm not going to. Mexico can't get here quick enough. Yeah, getting ready for that. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah. I've just been staring at my weather app, and it's like for the 10-day forecast,

it's 80, 81, 81, 80, 81, 82. Chance of rain, 86. You're like, I'll take it. I'll take it. Yeah. It's nice to break it up. Ah, 10% chance of rain. Yeah.

Ah, fuck this vacation. No, we were joking around about just switching out like one word on common sayings. Like it's dumping snow. And like people say it super aggressively. Like, dude, it is absolutely shitting outside. You're like, it's dumping snow. People say it super aggressively. Like, dude, it is absolutely shitting outside. You're like, it's just... An ass explosion of snow.

It is diarrhea from the sky right now outside. And you're like, what are you fucking talking about? God is shitting his brains out. God had Taco Bell. Look outside. You're like, what? You're going really fast and you say hauling ass. But you can switch it to hauling dick and why is that so funny i do that one because dick is funny word like dude i was hauling dick to safeway i was picking up some fucking corndogs just a whole

wagon of dicks wheelbarrow tits hauling tits yeah yeah it just throw in a sexual orifice Hauling vulva Driving what? Clitoris Vulva? No German made Hauling puss Dude get here fast Haul puss You need to haul puss over here real quick

Your grandma's She's asking for you Your grandma's dying you have to haul puss over here real quick. Your grandma's she's asking for you. You need to haul puss. Your grandma's dying you have to haul puss over here. Alright. Her cat.

How fast is that? Her fucking cat dude she wants to see her cat. And like you're trying to get like one last word how fast is hauling puss? How fast is the is it the speed limit?

How fast is the puss? Alright Joe let's hop into this thing. Yeah let's get going. Well you know about the Patreon stuff. It's like the bonus content. Can I get some music or something? Yeah, I gotcha.

Is this good? No. It's something a little more up-tempo. I know which one you use. Yeah, okay. That'll work. Joe, how much Patreon content do we have in there now? I mean, whatever's after six trillion. Fucking puss.

A puss load of dick. A puss load of dick content. Just thick and heavy in there. If you want to get your hands on some dick and a puss, head on over to sign up for Patreon. Yeah, please do. Because you know how you do that? How? How do you do that?

Patreon.com forward slash Candy Dope Podcast. W-W-W. The World Wide Web. Web. A-O-L. And if you want to see some content on the show, send it to heyguysatcandydope.com Woo!

Fucking. Nailed it. You were so pumped to do it. What happened? I was nailing the puss The whole time? We had, how many Geez, excuse me, how many episodes back was it Where we had the

Petty beef about the wife that Made the husband say please I don't remember because we were recording ahead of time In this episode, so it could have been I think it was March I think it was six years ago. Yeah. I don't know.

Yeah, but she wrote in about the guy. She would say, please. Please. Like, honey, get me some water. What do you say? Use your... What's the magic word? Make your grown-ass husband be like, please get me a glass of water.

So condescending. Yeah. So she wrote in. She said, good afternoon. My husband sent a petty beef regarding saying, please, I just need to let you know that I started to do this to help our children. But when I noticed it bothered him, I started doing it all the time because it was funny and enjoyable to watch him be uncomfortable saying, please.

Thank you, Diana. See, I approve. Yeah. Just making them squirm. Anytime you do something to fuck with somebody, especially when it makes them mad. It's so fun. Especially when they're legally bound to you and they can't leave yeah i just like anytime like someone gives you that that that power because they're like i do something that pisses you off

don't tell me it pisses you off because i'm gonna do it just imagining the thing. Honey, I want a divorce. What do you say? I want a divorce. Please. Okay. All right. Good. No. The answer is no. The answer is no.

But good job using your big, big words. Thank you for using your big, kind words around our children. Chitlins. Your child. As Zach would say. Speaking of Zach. Hey, Zach. Chitlins.

Hey, Zach. Chitlins, yeah. Chitlins. Hey, man. Hey. How you doing buddy I'm doing pretty well You were all covered in snow

When you came in Yeah I feel like The abominable snowman Nice That's great Should we haul some puss Right into the show Yeah

Alright You've done Well I Like plow Like a snow Plow some puss Into the show Plow some puss

Into the show Yeah Cool Zach Yo he did it Hey Shut up Snow plows some puss into the show. Plows some puss into the show? Yeah. Cool. Jack! Yo, he did it! Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. I figured if I'm going to do it, it's going to be, you know.

You got to do it. Nice. Like a cannibal corpse. Pig squeal. Mm-hmm. What are we doing today, Joe? I don't know. We're doing a Would You Rather. Okay.

This was one I found on the internet. Okay. I remember that. The internet? Yeah, the internet. It's a cool place. Worldwide whibs. Yeah, it's a cool place out there.

I was on Netscape Navigator, and I found this. Okay. Would you rather come randomly in public for the rest of your life? Okay. All right. Or never be able to come again? Come. At all.

At all. Just get rid of, I mean, that would solve a lot of issues. Just the way that men are wired. They're driven to just. Can't come. Yeah. Holy shit. So many more hours in the day. But don't you think that that urge to jizz is like a reason you

do you're motivated to do things like yeah i think for a lot of guys that you want to go out and get a high paying job they want the nice things they want to attract women that they can get so then can in turn jizz come on it so if there's no if there's no motivation for that you know maybe maybe the women start ruling the world well you're you're just one guy because it's a man's world right now yeah yeah that's because it come yeah it's because i want to come on it hey me it's me again it's me again i want to cum on it. Hey, me. It's me again. It's me again. I want to cum all over your tits. And I'm not going to stop until I do.

Here we go. Here we go. Or cum randomly in public. I mean, that's going to be jail time. You have to wear a diaper. You're cumming in your pants, though. You're not pulling your dick out right i mean i assume so you can get away with that you'll be fine yeah i mean randomly

that's scary uh there are people that do i mean i think it's women that they have like uncontrollable orgasms all the time um and they have to just deal with that what a burden i can i mean but it would be no it sure it would be at the library for like like books and toddlers read read-a-thon and you're just like what if you're a manager and you're like you had a a day full of interviews and every time someone comes out what can you provide for the company? Sorry, excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me, Jessica.

Yes, boss. Do you have those reports that I asked for? Put them in my box. Put them in my box. My box. Just leave me. She's singing the national anthem Oh say Yeah there's some professions you could have

Can you By the dawn's early What's up Lee we I'm gonna come And the home Of So, Lee Wee, I'm gonna come. And the home of the... Yeah, you get it.

Then the jets fly over. Jets fly over. Everyone's like, what did I just fucking... Why am I jerking off? Everyone in this... All the dudes in the stands are like, why am I hard? I didn't come to the Eagles game to get a fucking hard on. This is not,

this is not good. She's not allowed to do this anymore. Yeah, there's certain jobs you definitely couldn't have just randomly coming in public, like being a lawyer

in some heated debate. Yeah. And that's why, Your Honor, I believe... You get held in contempt. Yeah. I'll fucking in contempt. Yeah. I'll fucking hold something.

Mr. Johnson, please approach the bench. I can't. Just one second. Yeah, because you're going to be hard, or do you just come... Like, is there any warning signs? Are you just hanging out, you're not even thinking about whatever, and your dick's just like, what's up, dude? No.

And you're like, oh, no. I think it's like, it it's it's like your normal life but your dick just comes about let's say you're having sex with someone or your vagina just you just got some cums going on yeah you're you're like you're you're having sex in a room with a lovely man or woman and you're just like and instead of by the end of this have we ever talked about that when you

like the dirty talk that's the super obvious thing where you're just like oh yeah I'm gonna fucking come and I'm at the end of this and you're like what

oh man in like 30 seconds oh my god my dick is so hard and I'm putting it inside you and then when I'm done

I'm gonna come it's outside no it's inside no it's my magician my magician am i where'd it go oh there it is oh i'm gonna fuck you till i come you're like i know i know that's pretty much that's why we're here yeah yeah it's the whole point of this we're going through this whole charade yeah but, but here's the thing. I'm going to come outside. Outside, not inside. Right now I'm inside, and I'm outside. No, I mean

outside. I'm going to go outside. Oh, I'm going to come. Where are you going? I'm going to come. He's here at the deadbolt. I'm going to come. Your pull-out game is so good. You just come outside. Like, you pull out and just go

to the porch and come on it. Yeah, right in the ring. Because I'm not risking it. Come in the backyard. Off the balcony. You're like, oh, fuck, I'm gonna come. You just run out the door. Just jerk off into the lawn. Well, that's what you'd have to do with this.

Well, it says you'd randomly come in public for the rest of your life, but does that mean, oh, that you this. It says you'd randomly come in public for the rest of your life, but does that mean that you can't come when you want to come? Or is that just mixed into it? Got it. You can come when you're having sex, but you're also going to have just randomly come as well. Because that really does change the entire question for me.

If you're just going about your business and then you do. And you come, but do I still get to come when I want to? Yeah. Because, yeah, if it didn't, like, if there was no buildup, so, like, we're just sitting here and all of a sudden you're just like, oh, fuck. It just happens. It would be pretty sweet, though, just like. It'd be cool for two days. Yeah.

Maybe a day. But it'd be a nice little surprise, but it'd be terrifying sometimes. You're like, every time you go going to do something like, so like. Getting married, you're like, please don't come. I, oh God, I have a, this plays into my, what are you thinking about? But so we had the pest control come. Guy came over and jizzed in the house and then left. I'll take care of these cockroaches.

He starts jerking off in your house. I'll show them. You know what they hate what come just puts his pants down. That's jerking off in the corner I don't like this. He's like, where do you see these cockroaches most? No problems on he just drops his pants because all you see is man ass He's just like just give me a second if you got any chores you need to do come here little cockroach that uh so what i was gonna say was that i had to uh oh so that guy was coming over so i had i usually get in the morning i wake up and like make a coffee and sit in the hot tub and kind of get woken up in the cold and uh i knew that guy was coming at some point god so nice because he comes in public yeah um he they just kind of show it's like the cable man it's like a span of time they show

up so i was like sitting around just wait like sitting on the couch i had my towel and my coffee that wasn't drinking yet i'm just sitting there waiting just waiting for the guy to show up he'll be here and then he then he did and then he was just sitting in my driveway forever i'm like what are you doing yeah i was like what are you doing jerking off i don't have any bugs out there yeah they're in here but it's for mice yeah oh there's no mice in the driveway buddy can yeah they're all inside come in they're not in your van get in your buddy don't be scared uh but never being able to come again like no orgasms on a scale of one to zach no but i mean zach how important are orgasms to On a scale of one to Zach. No, but Zach, I mean, Zach, how important are orgasms to you?

I'd say quite important. Yeah, pretty cool. Well, here's a question. Do you, so, like, can you, like, go through the motion, like, you're having sex, like, ooh, this is really good, but it just never, or is there no, like, hmm. You just become a giver. Yeah, I think you're just, you're just, you're just there,'re browsing you're just browsing you're a walking dildo now no you can get hard and you can do that and you'd be like that like but how long can you pretend that you're like this is fine

this is my life now or just come in public and just have to deal with it have wet underpants or have to wear some sort of guard wear a condom around i know we talked about you just have condoms all and you're like you have to go in the bathroom rip it out throw in the trash and put another one on a fanny pack of condoms on start carrying a bag purse yeah it's just full of condoms just overflowing oh what's that can i see your id one second you're just like thumbing through 800 fucking condoms that's not it that's not it would it be like a catheter but like a cum comforter like a blanket yeah your blanket would for sure be a comforter yeah so it's instead of a catheter for pee and it's just like you ejaculate into this bag i'm gonna i think i'm

gonna pick just randomly coming in public opposed to just never being able to come again yeah because that that sucks yeah that sucks you could figure out a way you could figure out a way to hide to hide it yeah yeah but probably yeah a lot more peace of mind just having to just getting rid of that whole thing too but it's gonna affect your relationships. That's for sure. I wonder if you get that tantric power if you never came again. Like some kind of superpower. Just sting. Built up.

Yeah, maybe you're becoming really smart, though, too. You're fucking Einstein. Because all your motivation is... Well, I can't do that, so I guess I'll do this. Yeah. Even with that as a possibility I'm going to choose just counting my pants at the jungle gym For sure

During 5 on 5 at the gym Yeah playing basketball It's a breakaway and you're going in for a layup And you just fucking wobble your legs out And trip and fall down Sorry guys I came What? Imagine being at like a fucking funeral or something

where you're just like you're standing up there and every the family's there and you just stand at the podium talking about things and you're just like sorry you start crying yeah and everyone's like oh oh he like, oh, he must be really sad. He must be really sad. And you're like, oh. You just bummed out. You came in your pants.

In all reality. All right. I'm going to go with that, too, just because it would suck to not be able to. Be able to come. Okay. Well, we're all. That's just such a driving force. Let there be come.

Yeah. Let there be come. Let my penis come. Let there be cum. Let my penis cum. Let my semen go. Let my semen go. All right, well, you hinted towards it, so now I'm super curious to hear about your, what are you thinking about? Okay. All right, let's roll it.

Zach! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about go so i love this time of year because it's well right now it's like zero degrees not today but when this happened oh gotcha it was cold here for a bit it was

negative six when i woke up that morning so like a wind chill of negative 35 it was a yeah miserable stretch up here nice but i was really excited to uh to get in the hot tub that morning because it was like i can understand why but the thing is is it's so cold outside so my face started to hurt it's like a it's like a good nice contrast but like i couldn't say because my face fucking hurt. Yeah, or if you go underwater and you pop up and everything freezes. Yeah. It was that type of cold. It was that type of cold.

So I'm waiting for the pest guy to show up, like I said, and he shows up. He comes in the corner, and then he leaves. What would your motto be if that was just the the one star reviews on that pest the company like there's just nothing but one star just one five star like i don't know i was pretty impressed that he was could be able to come so fast the cockroaches and mice are rampant yeah i was gonna say like but didn't didn't salt didn't fix the pest problem but wow nice. But had a nice ass. Yeah.

And it's just like from Tracy H. One five star. Yeah. Four people found this helpful. We come, they're done. That's something on the side of the minivan they roll up in. That would be a lot of fun to come up with the name for that. Yeah, like a pooping, like a plumbing.

We're number two in the number, or number one, number two business. Outcock the roach see nice i got some things going anyway got some things brewing some things brewing uh so they showed up jerked off in the corner yeah jerked off corny left and uh so i was like sweet i'm gonna go get in the hot tub and this was like a really cold so i was i was sitting there for probably an hour trying to do like to sit up sit out kind of cool off and then and then it was like a really cold so i was i was sitting there for probably an hour trying to do like to sit up sit out kind of cool off and then and then it was like then it just got so fucking hot because i was in there for so long so i get out and take off because i was wearing

underwear take off dry off so just completely nude and uh is this hot tub in your Tesla? Sorry. No. It's powered. Pushes a button and it just turns into a car. Yeah, dude. Your fart bubbles in the hot tub power the Tesla. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That sounds pretty sweet.

Hydroelectric. Well, there's no engine in the front, so I could probably put a little hot tub in the front. Mm-hmm. Little teeny one. Tiny guy. Little teeny one. Just for your toesies. Just for feet, like a foot bath a little hot tub in the front a little teeny one tiny guy little teeny one just for just for feet like a foot bath hot tub that'd be natural gas sorry i get it so uh i was in it for so so i got out and like took off like it was just wearing

underwear so i took those off and um hung them up in the shower to dry off and i'm like fuck it's just like hot because i was in there for so long so i hung up my towel and just went like laid in the bed and was like browsing on my phone just to like kind of cool down because my body was so fucking hot so i'm laying there laying there laying there and my dog so i have a little yorkie and our bed is probably like uh how how high is that well three feet three and a half feet three feet off the off the ground so we got these little cloth stairs for the dog to go up and down and so sometimes what happens is if we're in there is so we put the stairs outside for the couch so she can go up and down the couch and if we ever spend time in the bedroom we bring them into the couch so she can go up and down the couch. And if we ever spend time in the bedroom, we bring them into the bedroom so she can go up and down the bed.

And so I'm laying in there. I'm like, oh, fuck. And the stairs were out in the living room. So I'm laying there trying to cool off. And I'm like, I was drinking coffee and got this urge to poop. Nice. So I'm like, oh, fuck. I got to go poop. And I got up and I'm like i was drinking coffee and got this urge to poop nice so i'm like oh fuck i gotta go poop and i got up and i'm like ah shoot i can't leave her in the bed because if i go poop she's

gonna be barking to get down i'm gonna have to get up mid poop to come let her off the bed right or she's gonna get tired of waiting she's gonna jump off the bed and bust all of her legs because she's a little teeny dog so i'm like fuck let's go get the stairs then so completely naked which is i always do that just like underwear naked walk around it's fine so i get up just go just walking out to the living room like it's nothing just dong hanging out it's completely naked and i walk over to the couch to grab the stairs right as i'm doing that the mailman is walking right up to the couch to grab the stairs. Right as I'm doing that, the mailman is walking right up to the house to drop off the mail. Carl Malone? Yeah.

Carl Malone. Carl Malone. Just throwing a dime. Yeah. Call me Stockton. So I'm walking out there and he comes, he does this little, like he walks up and,

you know, just cause the window you can see in everything. So he kind of does this little, like, he walks up and, you know, just because the window you can see in everything. So he kind of does this little head turn. And I was reaching for the stairs, looked down, and I think we made eye contact. I'm not sure. And I kind of grabbed the thing and, like, lift up the stairs, trying to block. And then he kept walking, and I was just kind of standing there for a second. Look over at my dog.

She's looking at me like, you know, I'm like, do you think he saw me? Do you think he saw me naked? I think this is the whole thing right now. Yeah. Like,

do you think he saw me naked? Like, do I need to say something? And so I was like, maybe he didn't. So I just like, fuck it, grab her stairs,

go back, put them in the bedroom, walk back into the bathroom, a dump come back out and now now i start like i'm walking around the house like i put some underwear on walking around the house and it's going back and forth like did this guy fucking see me naked like he's i'm bringing package he's bringing package just like joe's certain that he saw you naked. He loves it. Yeah. Yeah. Like, he was delivering package and maybe saw package. So were you. Yeah.

Yeah. You had something for pickup. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I needed to put a, lift the flag up. Did you stick your dick through the mail slot? And then lift the flag up, yeah. Like, in the door? He walks up.

Come and get it. He opens it to put mail in. Your dick's just in it and he's like whoa oh god takes his airpod out i got one for you forgot one you forgot one return to sender yeah the ad your little address all written out on your dick stamps stay on your nuts yeah yeah because it's a big package so it takes two two stamps

yeah he's going really far I don't know they could probably fit that one like in a little envelope they're like we'll just put this through media yeah

this is not a big deal so I've this could be machine sorted not a big deal so I've it's it's been a few days and

I don't I don't I don't know if the guy Saw my schlong But I keep like I see him walk up because Marie starts barking whenever she sees him And I'm still to this day so I'm kind of like Do I need to go confront this guy

Just to It's keeping me up at night If you do confront him you need to confront him naked That would be even funnier. Hey, did you see me naked? I do now. Does this look familiar? Hey, sorry about that.

You just, like, scare him. Like, did you see me naked the other day? And you're just standing in the door fucking naked? No? Oh, good. Okay, cool. I was really worried about that. Walk back in the house together.

That was a close one, huh? Have a good day. Yeah. He's walking up to the house every day with close one have a good day yeah he's walking up to the house every day with like fucking binoculars he's just hoping he's hoping to see that naked bri i'm assuming it was a man because they like i said it was really cold so just all bundled up and all i saw was a face like fucking uh uh kenny from south park his eyeballs peeking through yeah layers and layers maybe it was a gal could have been no does it matter either way well no because i mean no it doesn't matter but and i guess i'm in my own house so it's not public notification yeah i think that's the right word i've've done that. I've risked the nakedness.

And I'm not sure if we've talked about this on the show before, but this particular time that I'll always remember, it was bedtime. It was like 10, whatever, 10.30, 11 o'clock. And we had the house was on a corner and they had giant windows. But then we had the curtains. And this particular time, the curtains got caught so i just like all right and i guess so i just stood up on the couch and i'm in the window moving the curtains and i look out and it's just like people walking just hanging down right by and i'm just like one leg up on the back of the couch like doing the just confident yeah doing the captain morgan Morgan pose and just shaking the curtains.

So your dick's just kind of bouncing around. And they're caught on something. I'm like, ah. And I look out there, and they're just standing there. There's no way they didn't see me. They're caroling. The windows are fucking massive. They're like eight feet.

They're fucking huge. Yeah. And all sides. I was like, hello. And I just saw them, and I was like, what? They're fucking huge. Yeah. And all sides. I was like, hello. And I just saw them and I was like, what? Just slid it shut. And then I was like, well, fucking not my problem. That was pretty much the same thing.

Because our house, the floor, it's elevated a little bit from the outside. And it's a big window. So this person walking, they're definitely looking up. And I'm just like in all of its glory. And then I walk out and I pick up some stairs, some claw stairs. And now that I'm thinking about it, that probably looks extra weird. Because they have those sex pillows and stuff that you can arch over everything like now now i'm thinking like maybe that's what he saw some naked dude picking up an arch pillow to go fuck probably just made him jealous he was like

oh man he probably came in his pants yeah or she yeah like i said i don't know yeah zach you ever gotten busted naked through a window not Not yet. Not yet. Not yet. I like that. Very, you know, under the covers. Methodical. See, I'm not at home. I know, it sticks out all the time. My wife has warned me several times just like walking around

because I'll take the trash out just in my underwear and I've done this. We live on a really busy road so there's just people that have seen my underwear all the time. That's funny.

I posted a video one time. I was out. My wife came back from the grocery store. I went out in a tank top and my underwear getting the groceries, and there's just cars going by. And she actually grabbed my phone and recorded that I was doing that because Because that's just how it goes. I'm in my house, man. This is my kingdom. If people are looking that hard

to see something, I'll let them see. Listen, get your kicks. It's a Moses Lake thing. It's a Moses Lake thing. I'm just out there like the fountain, man. I'm just out there for everyone to see. Whoever drives by.

Fucking moving stairs, swinging dong, you know? That's right. That's what I always say. Moving stairs, swinging dong. Yeah, I like that. Yeah, you do. Anyway, so I feel like I need to, obviously, like, it's not a question. Just keep being you

but it's a question I don't want to like you don't want to ask the guy like hey hey did you see my dick yeah what's the follow up

yeah did you like it yeah if he says yes then where do I go from there both yes or no yeah no

would you like to yes did you like it there's no good there's no good follow up is that it's it's kind of like a focus group did you see the the penis yes yes what were your thoughts what were your thoughts about it i don't

know it's like a it's kind of like a dick okay it's a it's a multiple choice like happy sad shocked all the above just all these all the way down nice all right let's move off let's uh nuts let's get into some goddy goddy let's get into some dick you're right yeah all right zacky poo is it interesting is it cool all right you want to you want to read this story? Sure. Okay. Let me pull it up here.

Yeah. Pull it up. All right. It's Chinese chess champion stripped of title after defecating in hotel bathtub. Alleged anal beads cheating. What's this guy? This guy's living like a rock star. Like, if it opened up it says guns and roses

stripped of grammy after defecating in hotel hot tub and alleged anal beads cheating i'd be like oh guns and roses like that was a wild time god man living the dream i remember those days you just don't picture seeing chess champion yeah in that headline and and like an old chinese guy like that just doesn't you know like old chinese guy doesn't seem like he's doing that i don't know a lot of old chinese guys but it just doesn't seem like that's what they're doing living his best life maybe they are though what do i know yeah i'm not part of the chess circuit i'm not sure how crazy things get it's just wild it's one of those things just fucking crazy trafficking and waiting for the netflix documentary about chess champs yeah yeah exactly uh okay what happened the world chinese

chess oh this is gonna be tough don't even try it jing xi is an uproar of rumors of cheating and bad behavior scandal that saw the national champion stripped of his title okay i love that like you won the you won the biggest thing you can win in chinese chess like that's you are you're fucking tom brady dude you're who else there's a lot of them Phil Russell You're the thing You're the pinnacle The prophecy

Of your sport And you're shitting in hot tubs Dude that's something Pete Weber would do Who do you think you are? I am! Like that's what that guy's doing Not this guy And the next day you're like fucking pete weber busted for shitting in a hot tub and sticking anal beads in his butt you're

like yeah yeah you see him did you see he just won his fifth championship he's on cloud nine leave the guy alone i mean you know how many turkeys this guy's got he's earned the right to shit in a hot tub this guy's got more turkeys than a fucking Thanksgiving dinner, dude. Or whatever. This guy's mashed more... Never mind. 48-year-old Yan Shenglong

beat dozens of contenders last week to win... Go ahead. Win the national title of Jing Kui. It's not even a word. Jing Kui. I think it's like

Jing Kui. God, Kui and Long. But the victory was short-lived after the celebration ended with him defecating in a bathtub. Oh, it was a bathtub, not a hot tub. Sorry about that, everybody.

Yeah, huge difference. Yeah. Okay. The Chinese Jingxi Association announced Monday that he would have his title revoked and prize money confiscated after he had been caught disrupting public order and displaying extremely bad character. What do you want from this guy? Dude, the dude just beat. How high is the bar out there in the chess world?

Well, you can't shit in a bathtub. They're like, no, if that's, that's that. I don't want to be a part of that world. That's why I don't play chess.

Right. Right. I just can't. These expectations they have on me. Well, anytime that you're like, if I went into championship and in a sport, I want to be able to do whatever the fuck I want.

And if I can't shit in a bathtub and put anal beads in my butt then i'll go to the nba right where that's clearly i can do all those things that's why that's why bobby fisher stopped i think i don't know was that a fisher joke like an anal fisher joke i think it's a chess chess player joke oh cool what about waka what aboutaka. What about... Who was the... What Fisher was the chick that shot Joey Botafuco's wife? Amy Fisher. You remember Amy Fisher? Anal Fisher? No?

Am I the only one? No, I remember, yeah. I've made two Joey Botafuco references two weeks in a row. And I've gotten nothing in return. It made an impact on your life and no one else's. Yeah. No one has acknowledged those amazing references.

Alright. Okay. He was also banned from playing for a year. So he probably can't he can't, what do you call it? What? Defend his championship. Right. He has to just watch other people be like, I know that motherfucker's gonna shit in the bathtub.

I knew I shouldn't have filmed it. God damn it. Damn it. God, I fucking knew. Jan consumed alcohol with others in his room on the night of the 17th. And then he defecated in the bathtub. I know. It's so...

And then he defecated. It's so matter of the fact. And then he defecated in the bathtub of the room he was staying in on the 18th. In an act that damaged hotel property, violated public order and good morals. Had a negative impact on the competition and the event of Jing Pai, or Kui. And was extremely bad character, the association said in a statement. I'm standing with him, dude. Who cares? I stand with Jan. i stand with yawn you could did you just i shit with yawn i shit with yawn shit in a bathtub

who fucking cares it's a bathtub grow up who's not who's not done worse shit when being hammered drunk it's like shitting in a bathtub that's what his thing was. Like, seriously, people. Seriously. Seriously. Did you see fucking Yong-Ki? Yeah. Did you see what he did? Zhang Li was over there fucking. He's shitting the sink.

Yeah. He's shitting the sink at the same time. But he didn't win the chess championship. He got runner up. So runner up shits in sinks. And I take a big sink and shit in it and I lose it? A bathtub's just a big sink! And they're like, get this guy out of here.

Yeah, I mean, you bathe babies in a sink. And I bathe in a bathtub. It's just a larger sink. The fun, fun part is coming up here. Yeah, yeah. Okay. The association was also forced to address rumors circulating online that Jan had cheated during the competition by using anal beads equipped with wireless transmitters to send and receive signals. That's genius Yan allegedly clenched and unclenched rhythmically to

communicate information about the chess board via code to a computer which then sent back instructions on what moves to make in a form of

vibrations according to the reports circulating on the Chinese social site Weibo imagine bringing that to the table

like this is gonna sound crazy but I'm seeing Yan is keeps clenching his butt cheeks in Morse code. And it's really weird. And then he keeps coming. I think there's something in his asshole. And he's cheating.

Like, how funny is that? Like, how funny. And that's genius. To just be sitting there, straight chess tournament as a 48 year old man and just looking and just going and then you make your move and then click

and then you click and the guy's just like this guy's taking forever and then he just goes you just hear like vvvvvvv it's just a cell phone

and he just he just okay and he just moves and then he just click and he's like oh

okay okay where was I And he's, okay. And just moves. He's like, oh, okay. Where was I? And the other guy moves right away. He's like, just immediately moves it. And then he goes, okay. And just bounces up and down a little bit, doing Morse code with his butt cheeks. Back to his own computer? Well, a picture like you have this team of people doing it.

It's like, was that a double clench? Or was that a single? Yeah. Hey, Jan, we need to do it again. Do it again. My ass is getting exhausted. You get a little sloppy with your fucking ass cheeks. Yeah.

Come on, step it up. Morse code is. You're just kind of giving us like weird squeezes and no one knows what's happening. He's like, I have to poop. That's what he sends back. Right, I have to poop. That's what he sends back? I have to poop. You can hold it. Yeah, you have to hold it.

You've got to win this championship first. Then you can poop all you want. That sounds like a crazy accusation. But also genius way to cheat. Well, what's funny is I saw an episode of It's Always Sunny from the new season. And Frank did this. And I thought it was a funny concept. It like it's hilarious then i read this story i'm like wait is this a thing that happens like did this happen before that and or did he get the idea

from them so maybe this is a thing that happens yeah and i remember seeing little spats of this article. I mean, I want to say like a year ago of the anal bead fucking chest cheater. Um, so I don't know which one came first. Like maybe, maybe the, someone saw that episode and then made an accusation against him online and they caught fire because it's fucking crazy, but also really funny and also would work so i think it

has all the right like fittings to make a like a great story they said like in the article it's impossible to prove if he was cheating with anal beads but i'm like i guess kind of you check his butthole for anal beads maybe that's why he shit because he was in the bathtub he's pulling the anal beads out and he shit yeah just shit hey in the bathtub, he's pulling the anal beads out, and he shit. Yep. Just shit them all out. Hey, I think we just solved it. Detective Brian. Hard work. He's in warm water so he could pop them out.

And as soon as that last one came out, he just shit everywhere. It could be it, man. Maybe the runner-up was helping him. Yeah. Yeah. He knew something was up, so he got Jan drunk. And he was like, all right, Jan, it's time to go shit your anal beads out in the bathtub. And he was like, okay.

Okay. You're right, I got to get these things out of here. I'm already a champion. All right, guys, let's get these anal beads out of my butt. Who wants to help me? And this runner-up's like, dude, I'll fucking help you. Yeah. And I'm going to tell everybody what you've done.

I'm going to, the disgrace you've become, Jan. Because then he'll become the champion. Yeah. Smart. Slid right in there. Alright, let's move off to our next piece of dick here. Okay. This is a new fear that is being...

I mean, I... This is a real fear, because we're so goddamn connected to our phones. But psychologist describes a new phobia on the rise, and it's nomophobia. You know what's funny? I wrote, I was writing this, and I was writing nomophobia, and it wanted me to correct it to homophobia. It kept doing that.

I had to click off of it. I was like, no, I'm not trying to write homophobia. No, no, this is different. This is new. This is way different. Keep up. Keep up, computer. Have you ever wondered what your life would be like without a smartphone?

Some may envision a life of peace without distraction, whereas some may see a life with less convenience and connection. Others, however, may feel terrified of the idea entirely. Psychological research has uncovered a new fear, nomophobia, where individuals become filled with dread, anxiety, and panic at the thought of being without their smartphone. I mean, I get it. To measure the severity of this phobia and its impact on daily life, researchers have developed a test designed to assess and diagnose nomophobia. This tool not only sheds light on the prevalence of this modern anxiety, but also prompts a broader discussion about our dependence on technology and its implications for mental well-being. It goes on to say like what it is, like it's no mobile phone phobia. So, nomophobia, you got it. Kind of like FOMO.

You're FOMO. You're missing out. Yeah. And they're not wrong. I mean, our lives depend on being connected. I wish it was less connected, but it's only going to get crazier and, I guess, worse, in quotes, of just dependence on technology as humans continue to become one. One with Skynet. Dude, it's funny, like, our generation grew up before smartphones and with smartphones, and like, when I get home, I can kind of

throw on a show or whatever and get away from the phone, but if you decide to pick up the phone, I mean, you could spend hours of just doing stupid shit when all you were going to do was check the weather. Right. So kids that are growing up now with that's all they know, like my kids, the idea of anything other than smartphones or like a switch, a tablet, they think it's weird that we didn't have that because that's all they know.

So you take, it's like anything else. I remember my dad would say like, you know, to oh kids and their devices like i remember i used to play with a stick i'm like yeah because that's all you had like yeah that sounds fucking lame bro would you really if if given the chance to go back in time like would you take a stick or a nintendo switch you're doing the switch he's like i don't know they make a nintendo stick you're like no dad they don't uh of course you take the switch over a fucking stick but it's it's that generation gap but we're right on the edge so we can see we know what it's like to be like without it and with it so this normal phobia is like it's gonna be it's a real thing for kids growing up now because their entire my son is eight and he was asking like he was asking santa for a phone and we're like i don't know buddy like

i don't those are kind of like adult things i don't think that they i don't know you've kind of been a piece of shit this year yeah i wouldn't be honest let's be honest. Let's be honest. You fucking sucked in 2023. I shared a cell phone with my mom when I was first year in college, I think. In college you shared a phone? Or like first year senior. Senior. Senior. Senior. Senior.

I hardly knew her. Senior year of high school that we shared. Then I think I got my own when I started going to college. Was it a Razor? No, it was a Nokia brick. Nice. With a snake on it. Yeah. so these kids

now like they're eight years old and they want a phone but it's not just a phone to them it's like it's it's youtube it's all this shit and it's theirs and yeah yeah so if you go out somewhere and you don't have that of course there's it's gonna be a legit fear because that's all you know and having a teenage daughter like her getting in trouble and losing her phone access. It's like basically taking away heroin from somebody. Like, she's okay. Joe, you can't come for a week. Oh, what?

Fuck, this place sucks. Fuck you, mom. Fuck you, mom. Fuck you, mom. I'm going to come so hard in one week. Fuck you. You're going to watch. Well,

uh, you're going to cheer me on. I, the, but like she does pretty well with it, but I've seen other kids that get it taken away and they don't even know what, like what to do. Like all of their,

their social life is in it. All of their contact contacts, how they talk to their friends, all their videos, what they do when they're bored. it's like that that mindless entertainment part like we would use video games for that and they do do that but also they use their phone for the same shit that we used uh aol for like i got shit on board i'm gonna go pretend to be a lesbian and fucking aol chat for two hours and use up all the minutes on this free cd that was sent i was thinking about that too how funny it'd be to if you held on to all those and then now you sent them out to family yeah like 15 minutes of free aol cds for christmas roaming

yeah like free 50 free roaming hours yeah free free 30 minutes of aol online and like you send those out as christmas presents like fucking hate you so much Free 50 free roaming hours. Free 30 minutes of AOL online. You send those out as Christmas presents. Like fucking hate you so much. You have so many of them. You got the big one hour one. Fucking what? And fucking 15 minutes of it was trying to connect.

Yeah. That's how they get you. That's how they get you. Coming back for more. Yeah. But it's not even their fault. It's not. No. It's not they get you. That's how they get you. No, I'd get coming back for more. Yeah. But it's not even their fault. No. It's not kids' fault.

They don't know. That's what the world is. You can take that away and have them grow up differently, but eventually they're going to get integrated into that technology. Yeah. And all you'd be doing at that point is a disservice because then they wouldn't know how anything works. It's like when you put someone who didn't grow up with something in a job where they have to know of technology and they're like i don't know what to do you do it yeah yeah and it's this is the generational gap too like i uh i mean i have tendencies to do this but i try i really try not to and like like look down on the younger generations because we everything that they have is we provided for them

like we provided them social media our generation built social media for them all they're doing is using it we built it you know so like can you fault someone for wanting to have a fucking tablet no because it because it's awesome. They're pretty fucking sweet. Yeah. Yeah. Dude, if I could have had a fucking iPad when I was a kid, you're goddamn right I would have spent so many hours on that thing. Absolutely. We were the kids that were playing video games,

and parents told us we have to go outside because we were playing video games too long. Like, we weren't not guilty of that. They're yelling at your dad like, God, find a new stick! You've been playing with that stick for three hours! Get a new stick! But the guy

the Your stick sucks, dude! His dad is like, God, get a better stick, you fucking bum bum me out! Back in day, the stick was like You didn't even have this to You had a bilge, I had to go find I had to go uphill both ways to go

Find a good stick You just walk outside and there's a stick available You have all these sticks I had to go into the woods and cut my own stick Get my own stick You don't know how lucky you are And my dad Dude own stick. Get my own stick. You don't know how lucky you are. Yeah. And my dad?

Dude. He had to use a stick to kill a woolly mammoth. Yeah. So every generation is a little bit softer and it's the previous generation's fault. It's true. It's why kids can't afford a house now. Well, that's inflation. That's just because we're going to fall and crumble.

They're not the reason It's not 20 year olds fault Now that they can't buy a house Yeah And they don't all not want to work That's not the way it is They can't They have to have three roommates

To live in an apartment And jobs that existed that you didn't think could exist Doesn't mean that they're not jobs Because you don't understand them I've lived that Family like what do you do like when are you gonna get a job um well this is working yeah so i'm gonna keep doing this thank you yeah uh okay let's do some petty beef okay i think it's time for that hey zach will you fucking do it silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all

sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the people are real the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef hey zach um real quick i was just when i was thinking about that i was like maybe there's something out there you could do for a lap time. Something about the gap in social media. You know, like an age gap to show, like, really break down what a person this age versus a person this age grew up with. Yeah. And I don't know if there's something fun that you could explore in there. I'd be happy to look. I like that.

I like it too. Just because it's such a massive gap between two generations. A lot has happened quickly. It feels like the Elvis generation and the generation before that cleavage between two groups of people. It's pretty bad where the parents are like, I don't understand these kids. And the kids are like, fuck you. Now I'm just thinking about cleavage. And those kids were our grandparents.

Yeah. You know, they were the ones in the 50s doing all the, they were little rascals in their 50s with their grease hair and their. And air humping stuff. And their hot rods and stuff. Cigarettes in their sleeves. Yeah, and that's the greatest generation. They're all, and they're all, you know.

Yeah. Can't do wrong. Anyway. All right, so what do greatest generation. They're all, and they're all you know, can't do wrong. Alright, so what do we have for Petty Beef, Brad Guy? What are we doing here? Let's see here. Hello, dads. I have an ultimatum. Oh, wait. What? This, so this Petty Beef is

old. Okay. And it's, we've since got an answer to this. Right. But maybe it's still be fun to explore because other people have gone through it. Okay. I have an ultimatum. So this is in the past. I have an ultimatum.

I'm thinking of telling my long-term boyfriend, and I want to know if it's fair. We've been together for over six years and living together nearly the whole time. It's been great and we have talked about getting married several times and I know it's in the future. I'm getting antsy though and with Christmas coming up, I made a vague comment about the only gift I want is a proposal.

Just in passing? Over a bowl of cereal? We went for Christmas this year. I don't know. a proposal, wedding ring or something. Slap some more fruity pebbles in your mouth or whatever. It'd be probably cool if you proposed to me or whatever. What? Yeah, just

a super laid back. Fucking shoot your eye out, dude. Yeah. He's been paying off debt, which is why he hasn't proposed thus far. But now I believe he has enough debt paid down. I know it's a possibility that he does propose this Christmas, but I've gotten a lot of my hopes up before.

It's not a huge deal, but I'm tired of waiting and wondering. We're both in our 30s. Now the sexual part. He's an ass man. Oh, right. Although we have regular sex on a normal basis, he likes anal sometimes. It's kind of a pain in the ass, quite literally for me, though. I do it because I know he loves it, but I could say no.

It hurts a lot even with lube, and I just don't get much enjoyment myself from it. It hurts too much for any other stimulation to help me. I get it. I'm just too focused on the pain of it to relax enough for the simulation to help. So I'm wondering if I should give him the ultimatum of no more anal sex until I get a ring. If you like it, then you should have put a ring on it. If you want the butt, then you've got to put a ring on it. Put an O-ring on it.

Yeah, put it. Yeah. I'm tired of not having a great time during anal and also tired of not having a ring on my finger at least if we do anal i'd be happier knowing i have a ring finally it's such a like a fun inside track to yeah i just want that ring one girl's mind yeah yeah like you can do whatever you want back there just Just give me a fucking ring. Just the whole time you're getting plowed in the ass, you're just looking at your ring. Looking at your finger. Be like, God, man.

You've got rings on all fingers except for that one. Yeah. Yeah. It could be a little bigger. Yeah. Could be a little bigger. Could be a little bigger. But this pounding I'm taking, I wish this was at least another carrot or something.

I don't know if this thing's going to bounce back or not. I need another carrot. Another carrot. Carrot or two. Yeah. At least a happy knowing every i kind of feel like i'm getting shafted literally and figuratively because i do everything for him and still don't have a little or the title of fiance i should note he does a lot for me uh as is and definitely not a bad boyfriend at all however i feel like i deserve to be a fiancecé, a wife, and I'm wondering if he

needs a little push to meet by a ring, or else I worry we would stay together but not engage for years to come. I love him too much to ever end it over that fact, but I just want a ring and to have a concrete knowledge that our relationship is going somewhere,

that we will get married. Is that so hard to ask for love your daughter kayla kayla oh that is that is a fun thought because like being on the guy on the guy side of it i don't like we get you don't think about it like when you're getting married i would bet whatever percentage i would say 99 of guys propose and get married because the girl wants it like the guy would be he's like he's like what's the big i love you like i'm not going anywhere i just redid the bathroom like and those guys just put the cabinets in i'm not fucking leaving like why is it such a big deal and for i mean a lot of women

like kayla have this mindset which it's like, just show me. Like, show me you're not just going to fucking bounce one day and that there's a future here and put a ring on this finger and keep plowing my ass. Yeah. You can plow anything you want, but just give me that ring. Both sides of the golf course are open as long as I have a ring. You can do all 18 holes, 36 holes. I don't care imagine bringing up this proposal though like in real time but like here's the thing honey and he's yeah what's going

on babe you know if you don't get me a ring you can no longer plow my ass and he goes that's cool your pussy's sweet and then she's like what he goes august fuck your pussy then yeah he's like i mean we only do anal occasionally so that's fine i'm fine august don't do that and then she's like what he goes august fuck your pussy then yeah he's like i mean we only do anal occasionally so that's fine i'm fine i'll just don't do that and then i just won't buy the ring okay all right i love you love you too okay you can't bounce i don't know how you would bounce back from that yeah well you don't get this puss then either oh no that you can't do that you already it's just too you put the butt off limits you can't do that yeah you can't you can't do that. You already put the butt off limits. You can't do that. Yeah.

You can't put the goalie in both holes. You only have one goalie. You could pull the goalie, but you're still a goalie. That goes, yeah. It's interesting to think, well, there's a couple different things here. Anytime you hold something hostage in a relationship, I think it's funny. Yeah, I think it's never going to end well. Yeah.

But now another thing. Maybe she just likes things old-fashioned, but, like, why can't she propose? Like, she could hide a ring in her butthole. And then he's going away, and then he pulls his dick out. He pulls his dick out, and there's a ring on it? Yeah. She turns around, she goes, I do. Yeah.

And you're like, what? She's just like, what? What? What? Oh, shit. Can you imagine just fucking, and you're like, ow, ow. And you pull your dick out, and there's just a ring wedged around the tip of your penis. Mm-hmm.

And then she just turns around with a smirk on her face. Do you have something to say, honey? And he's like, I don't know, will you marry me? She goes, yes. And just pulls the ring right off your dick. Yeah a smirk on her face. Do you have something to say, honey? And he's like, I don't know. Will you marry me? She goes, yes. And just pulls the ring right off your dick. Yeah, puts it on her finger. And then her family comes in.

She's on FaceTime with her family as they're fucking her ass. Yeah. He finally. He said yes. How do you do it? Well. Yeah. More me.

More me than him. But what I did is I put the ring in my asshole and then he fucked it in the dick then his dick had the ring on it and i took it back off it was like it was like it was so cute yeah it was so so yeah what's your what's your proposal story how'd you guys do it it's kind of cliche yeah it's pretty cliche but i put a ring in my butthole and i told him to fuck it until the ring went on his dick and i took it back off and we talked about it girls gotta get her ring right i do i do so we have an update to this right yeah he proposed yeah when did he do it i think it

was over christmas yeah without having to hold uh the butthole hostage right so he still gets the butthole now yeah he. He's fucking all the holes. But I guess, so I was wondering. I would have a hard time fucking a butthole if she didn't like it. Yeah. So what I was going to say was like, if you, all you've done really now is secured the butthole for longer. You're going to get sick of it. Yeah.

If you don't like it, you don't like it. And I get doing things that you don't like because you know your partner likes it like that is fine like that's part of it too like giving and there's a i mean i like that but there's giving like i could give my mouth or my hand but giving you my butthole wait what because you're still getting pounded i'm just picturing their wedding vows now yeah i promised to i promised to uh allow you to pound my ass and then grandma's like oh have you heard their wedding story have you did you hear how she proposed i'll tell you after the ceremony it's so fun it's so cute it's so it's adorbs it's adorable it's just how grandpa proposed to me. Yeah, it's a family tradition. It's a family tradition.

Of hiding rings in your butthole. Goes back to the... It started over Easter and just kind of became a family thing for a bit. That's how Easter started? Yeah, sure. Just picturing Jesus with a ring in his butthole and everyone's so confused. It makes about as much sense as Easter, so that's cool. He comes out of the hole. Ta-da!

Ta-da! Cock ring! What? He has risen. He has risen. He has risen, and it hurts. Yeah, it hurts a lot. It hurts a ton.

If you could go down, that would help. This thing is tiny. Yes, he proposed, and I don't think they had to have the hostage butthole talk to get there. But yeah, going back, I would just have a hard time being like, this is, come on, babe, this is for me. And just knowing that the person you're sticking your- But maybe he doesn't, maybe she hasn't said anything. That's what I'm, that's- Because I can't imagine saying-

I sit with it. I can't imagine being like, someone being like, you know, it really, I don't get any enjoyment. It hurts when you fuck my butt. And he's like, all right, flip over. Too bad. Yeah. enjoyment. It hurts when you fuck my butt. And he's like, all right, flip over. Too bad. Yeah.

Will you marry me? Flip over. Too bad. Will you marry me? What? Yeah. Okay. I get to fuck your butt more.

Okay, cool. Here, take this ring and give me your butthole. Yeah. With this ring, I'd be wood. And pound your butt.

And cum in your butthole. It's just, yeah, it's a weird. With this ring, I cum in your butthole. I'm glad that they didn't have to have that conversation because i i don't think that it would congratulations you two our kids are getting married yay all right should we move off to i can't wait to see what the uh

honeymoon looks like i can't wait to see the sheets you know what I mean. Alright, next thing! Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed. Yeah! Alright, so this is good news? Yeah, this is really good news. It's kind of cool. Yeah, I love good news. This guy is called the Bike Whisperer. Alright. Bike Whisperer Vigilante

who finds stolen bikes and helps reform thieves. Okay. In Icelandic capital of local bus driver and self-confessed bike nerd, Bajartmar Leasson has become a local hero by helping to return hundreds of stolen bikes. On top of his noble act,

he has helped the bike thieves to reform these bike thieves in the process. I'm going to assume that you're a nerd of some sort if your first name is bajart mar yeah bajart mar that can't be pronounced right no what's that it goes for by bajart my name is bajart bar my friends call me bajart call me jart i'm sorry what yeah just call me jart. I'm sorry, what? Yeah, just call me Jart. That's cool.

B-Jart. B-Jart, yeah. Okay, go ahead. All right, in 2019, Bajart noticed a stark rise in bike thefts, and rather than accept that the bikes were gone forever, he decided to take matters into his own hands and started to track down the bikes and return them to the rifle owners. Nice. The 44-year-old has helped return hundreds of bikes over the past four years and developed a reputation amongst the cyclist community and even potential bike thieves as the Bike Whisperer. His Facebook page has more than 14,500 members.

That's cool. And helps people track down. So in that group, they track down lost bikes. This page extends to people who have lost tools, cars, and other items of value. Man. Bajart, Bike Whisperer.

I can see it now on like TLC. Like some reality TV show. Yeah, like Dog the Bounty Hunter. Bajart! Bike Whisperer. Bajart! Bike Whisperer. Bajart the Bike Whisperer. Ding, ding. Ah-hoo-ga! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A little gear noise. That, yeah. Bajart! That needs to be a show. It's like the Repo Show. He's sneaking in, grabbing them, and he's pedaling so fast out of driveways. Yeah, like guys that repo cars. Go Bajart!

All the kids are cheering. Go Bajart, go. Go Bajart, go. Go Bajart, go. However, initially would confront the thieves with anger and indignation. However, over time, he realized that the vast majority of the thefts were driven out of addictions and other issues. He went from feeling negativity towards the thieves to developing empathy for their situations. I was very angry. They were angry. It was very rough at first, but when I started to think, okay, it doesn't matter.

I can scream until I'm blue in the face. Nothing's going to change. So I decided to try to level with them and just talk to them but this is someone's bike dude this is someone's bike you can't just take their bike and they're like well but you're but you're no one's ever said it like that yeah sorry no one's yeah no one's ever said it quite like you i think it's i think that like that takes a a good dude to because at first you're like, what the fuck's wrong with you? These things belong to someone else. And then just to realize like, all right, like they're, maybe they're doing this just because they need to get around because they don't have anything.

And to be able to like make that transition into like, then fully on helping him, helping him figure out better ways to steal bikes. He's like, listen, here's what you need to do. Some less violence. Well, way to go, Bajart. Yeah. Proud of you. Some goodness in the world. He's got a good heart.

Heart. Yeah. Got a good heart. That's what I was trying to do. All right. Anyway. Something found on the internet. Yeah.

You ready? All right. Zach! The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple.

Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! And I remember this coming into our email at heyguysatcandydontpodcast.com, but I don't remember who sent it in. Do you remember off the top of your head? I don't. But it's a goose head and neck dick dildo. It's a gay sex dildo.

I'm sure it can go with any butt. It's the goose anal invader. That's fucking sweet. I love the website's just good head. That's fucking sweet. I love the website. It's just good head. What? And it's shaped like a penis. Oh, man. I just realized that.

But yeah, it's, I mean, for only 60 bucks, you can have this shaped like a goose head and neck monster sex toy that's a perfect shape for anal play. Generously lube the pointed tip for easy entry. Measures a whopping 15 inches long with a 2.75 inch width head and 2 inch wide neck. When you're describing a dildo with a neck. Yeah. And a chin. You know you've graduated to the next sex toy.

So how big's the neck on my on my fucking butt plug how big's the neck they're uh i went through some of these reviews and they were like a lot of people said like if you can get past the head it's heaven after that like if you can get the head in to the neck then you're like oh fuck so i figured it's figured it was good for the kids. I do like this top review here, though. This anal sex toy is truly amazing. I purchased a great number of items over the years for the purpose of screwing my asshole as deep as possible, and it has been great fun.

This bad boy is huge, and I love it. With liberal lubrication, I managed to shove it 10 inches on the first try, which was thrilling to say the least. Further tries have been marginal. I've taken a fence post with ease and I'm determined to obtain the same result with the goose. I love taking these long, thick dicks up my bowels. Your products are the greatest for pleasuring me. Go long and thicker. Let's not glaze over the fence post.

I know. You're like, no, no, no, no, no. Go backwards. Because the fence post is way bigger than this gooseneck dick. Well, not all posts are. I guess that's true. Like a metal post? This thing is huge and takes a little warm up to take the head in.

But God, is it worth it. The feeling I get when I have it deep in my ass is indescribable. Better than any other toy I've ever had. Simply the best. Simply the best. They missed an opportunity to put a little honk effect inside of the dildo because that would have been fucking awesome. Yeah, just last one. Received mine today and I couldn't wait to get started. Took about 15 minutes

to get over the head and there was no let up. Okay. Only got it halfway down. Only one big drawback. The shaft was too soft. It had to be supported with your hands. All in all, I was very well pleased with the goose, then I recommend it.

If you are into oversized toys, I never thought I'd be able to take anything that wide. Bring on the next size. Fucking graduating. Like, what's next? Gooseneck. Fucked it. What's next? What's next, good head?

You got another? Mallard? Flamingo? Yeah, You got a flamingo? Yeah, you got a flamingo head I can shove in my ass? Or an ostrich? Oh, Jesus. I have the worst hiccups right now. Yeah, you do.

Sorry about that. It took me a long time to be able to take this dildo. But because of this dildo, I can say with confidence it helped me take my first smaller fist. Yeah, that's a pretty, that one. Hell yeah. What a ride! What do you think you'd someone be ostrich sized ostracized ostracized if you can get it in it's heaven it's just amazing i loved it so much would highly recommend i just love people in comment sections on goose dildo being like, just go. Just shove this monster in your fucking ass and live your life, buddy. Fucking hiccups.

Okay. Let's move on and hear from our kids. Okay. Okay. Zach. Hey, you guys. All right. Let's hear what you guys think.

Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. Oh, man. Nice one. I just want to shove a goose in my asshole. All right. Do you want to take the first one?

Sure. Or do you want me to? Okay, go ahead. Our first email was sent in by our little kiddo, Blake. Hi, Blake. Hey, daddies. It's your mentally ill offspring, Blake. For one, I'm 16,

and I've been listening to y'all's podcast since the podcast that Joe Horscock did before this one. Yep, I've had listening to y'all's podcast since the podcast that Joe horse cock did before this one. Yep. I've had access to all the internet since I was 12. So there you go. Perfect example. Right. Just glad you're here.

So my mind is riddled with dirty jokes, fingerless leather gloves and sexy geese. Nice. I currently live in a residential hospital, kind of like a long-term psych ward but a ton more chill and a ton of crazy shit happens i fucking bet at the res i'm assuming that's like must be the name like the nickname for the hospital yeah okay at the res we are not allowed to have our phones and personal devices so a lot of people get really really mad so when i read

this email it made because i was thinking about the nomophobia i'm like oh shit this is a perfect example of someone with nomophobia i've seen multiple windows smashed holes punched in walls in the funniest and the funniest a door get fully ripped off its hinges when that was happening i was sitting at the end of the hallway calling my boyfriend a dude let's call him Mike because he's usually the sweetest guy. Mike is not a giant dude. I think probably Joe-sized. Hey.

Like cock-wise or short-wise? Me. There is a room that we are not allowed into because Sharps' important info and personal devices are stored there and he was trying to sneak in there to get to get in there to get his phone um to to a wall a wall he's gonna go a wall maybe maybe staff grabbed him trying to restrain him another staff was trying to push him back and he said something along the lines something along the lines of i'm going to fucking curb stomp Your head if you don't get the fuck Out of here right now Jeez

That was clever Trust me this is one of the Best reses in California So staff never speak like this Especially with other kids around He was probably fired and so was the other staff Holding him back because laying hands on a child Is very not allowed

Kids are there very traumatized over stuff like that, including me I just sat in the end of the hallway watching this unfold hysterically laughing I don't know why it was so funny to me, but it was people were either staring laughing crying or clapping and Whooping with joy. I'm just picturing like one flew over the cuckoo's nest. This is going on. Another really funny time was I was in the psych ward. We were walking to the cafeteria

and a blood in my ward got into a fucking fight with a crypt. Police came in and everyone except me and my friends sitting in the corner scared to laugh the kids end up getting knocked out with booty juice which hurts like listening to brian real loud oh getting a stab from a 16 year old kid and a 16 year old in a psych ward just fucking just burned you dude oh and i looked up booty juice it's like a basically like a spray that

just fucks you up. Gotcha. That they apparently want outlawed. I just want to say you guys honestly saved my life. One time I was about to end it all, about to hang myself. I was able to play music to the end. I was going to play music. I was going to play music to end it, and your podcast came on.

I ended up sitting on the ground crying and laughing. Thank you so much. Whenever I have urges or wanted thoughts, I play Can You Don't. And thank you so much. Apologize. This wasn't really funny, but I thought it would make a good joke. Brian, please give me a sexy honk. Please.

And Joe, slap those sexy leather gloves together. Of course, the one show I'm not wearing. I'll do it. There you go. And Zach, please don't be the creepy uncle. I'm begging you. No promises. Yeah. Sorry. Not sorry for long email. Three out don't be the creepy uncle. I'm begging you. No promises. Yeah.

Sorry, not sorry for long email. Three out of five stars wouldn't change a thing. Blake. P.S. I'm going to send some fan art suit to the scat cave. Oh, great. Blake, looking forward to it. That's fun.

Blake. Yeah, that is funny. I can picture the whole scene. And when you're in there, you're looking for some fucking entertainment. And right there someone trying to grab their phone and then being yelled they're gonna get curb stomped do you remember in like i remember like elementary school there was a couple kids that were like the troublemakers in school and you'd be out in recess or sometimes they'd be in their classroom and then the teacher

would be like you know whoever name um you need to do this. And they're like, no, like, fuck you. And you're like, oh, shit. Here we go. And like the kid would get like throw chairs, like punch teachers. But you were like, this is going to be awesome. I'm so glad I came to school today. Not a cell phone in the place. Just people enjoying the show.

You know what I mean? No one filming it. Just sitting there enjoying in the moment. Well, we love you, Blake. Glad you listened to the show. Glad to have you part of the show. You know what I mean? No one filming it, just sitting there enjoying it. In the moment. Well, we love you, Blake. Glad you listened to the show. Glad to have you part of the community. Our second email was sent in by our dog-loving daughter, Angela. Hello, Joe and Brian. Daughter Angela here

from the middle of nowhere, Pennsylvania. I actually have a pretty fun story about my time in Leavenworth, Washington last year. Woo! Woo! Woo! My childhood friend Jackie I actually have a pretty fun story about my time in Leavenworth, Washington last year. My childhood friend Jackie moved to Washington a few years ago. I hadn't really done much traveling either, or much traveling ever. So I went to visit her. She knows I like little breweries and whatnot.

And my trip happened to line up with Oktoberfest out there. Woo, it's wild. I know. I was in town for Oktoberfest this year. It was wild. So we it's wild. I know. I was in town for Oktoberfest this year. It was wild. So we made the trip. It was an extremely fun time. Her boyfriend drove

us and we got drunk. Well, we were sitting there and this dog starts running through the town. No owner in sight.

So Jackie and I, being the animal lovers that we are, started trying to catch the dog. It was running back and forth on the street, running

through the crowds. The police were even chasing it at one point. Like we went into the gas station and spent a ridiculous price on treats and jerky to try and lure it to us so we could make sure it didn't get hit by any of the traffic. Honestly, last picture of the Benny Hill chase music. And two, yeah, honestly, just picture the Benny Hill chase music and two adults, slightly inebriated women running after a dog all through Leavenworth. Her boyfriend convinces us after an hour and a half of chasing the dog.

That's a long time to be trying to chase the dog. That we really did give it our best effort and we'd be heartbroken if we were to see it get hit. So bestie just call it quits. We're about to get into her vehicle and the dog just walks right after her we see this older couple couple approaching the dog so she asked if it's theirs they say yes so she goes on this mini tirade about how the dog got out and was running through the town and was very close getting hit um a few times and about how we tried to lure it to us with some treats. The man angrily says, you fed her? She could get sick. To which Jackie responded, it's better than dead on the road.

Anyways, they stopped talking to us pretty much immediately. I guess that's not a super funny story, but damn, do I miss the West Coast. And hopefully you get a kick out of your daughter's running through traffic To save some unknown dog sorry if daddy Brian reads this I know it's So I just have to say sorry about the hiccups everybody I don't know what the fuck's going on I just have to say for the people wondering like oh, sorry if daddy Brian reads this like come on Joe's over here Yeah, please second read that's true so there's that even with hiccups if i can still read good or fucking pull them through baby i love that that you like that would be so frustrating

you spent an hour and a half out of your day money buying treats all this kind of stuff and then you find the people and you're like why did you you do that? You could have made him sick. Fuck you, dude. You could have got hit by a car. I'm trying to rein in your dog and you're getting mad at me. Just so ungrateful. It's like pulling somebody from a car and then they get paralyzed. But their car was going to explode.

Sorry. Saved your life. Like just some off the cuff thing. You're like, we didn't know what her name was. We were calling her Sausage. And you're like, well, her name is Brenda. She doesn't like to be called Sausage. Doesn't like to be called Sausage.

That was her name before we got her from the kill shelter. And you're like, oh, okay. She knows that name. She does not like it. And she hates it. You've really upset her. You're lucky she's not crying. And you're like, just take your dog and get the fuck out of my face.

Get out. Get out of here. Get out. I know exactly what gas station she's not crying. And you're like, just take your dog and get the fuck out of my face. Get out. Get out of here. Get out. I know exactly what gas station you're talking about, too. Me, too. Right in the corner there. Many times, one time, we were drinking really late. We were the last ones walking around town in Leavenworth.

Like, everyone had gone home. That is late. And on a weekend? Our other buddy, was he he got spam i'd never even seen anybody eat spam before he was drunk got spam and we're proceeding just throwing spam in the middle of the street everyone's gone it's just us like a group of five dudes it's like seeing how far we could throw spam just spam in the middle of the street spamming the neighborhood yeah You know what I mean

Spam is good Oh man I want to deep fry He's like dipping chips in it and stuff I want to I want to deep fry some spam right now baby Yeah Leavenworth's a funny place Yeah

If you're in this area You end up Ever end up in Washington Dude It's just Go visit the goats It is so goofy Fucking Shrek town, dude.

All the font is the Shrek font from all the movies. It's ridiculous. Well, that's episode 84. Us and my hiccups are going to venture over into the bonus stuff. And if you want to hear that, you can. You just got to sign up and support us on Patreon. You'll find a link in the episode description. Or you can go directly to patreon.com slash candy don't podcast. We've got Instagram. We got Facebook, got the YouTube

versions. If you have the video side of our show, you can go do it there. And then something you want to see on the show. We mentioned it last week, but we are recording way in advance because of some upcoming trips. So we're going to be burning through content. So please send stuff in stories, confessions, all that stuff to,guys at candydontpodcast.com. And continuing to get all the emails in of everyone jumping over and checking out the Scatcast universe. So thank you guys for doing that. We love Uncle Zach.

Yay. And he puts so much work into everything he's doing over there. So go to scatcast.com. That is scat with a K. Scatcards, cards, cards. Cards, cards, cards, cards, cards. Get your cards. Get your cards, yeah. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Get your cards. Scat cards, cards, cards. Cards, cards, cards, cards, cards. Get your cards. Get your cards, man.

Pick a card. And then thanks to the babysitters, all of you that run the Can You Don't Playground Facebook page, we truly appreciate you. And send in the stuff for the cave still. What's so hot, my boy? Send in the stuff for the cave still. Yeah, keep sending that. We have the physical. I know people have been writing in about doing some fan art.

That's awesome. You'll find a link to the PO box to send stuff in right there in the episode description. All right, you ready to wrap this shit up? Mm-hmm. Okay. Zachy. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh?

All right, Joe. What? Ready for this shit? That was a fake one. Could you tell? Yeah. Oh. You think swimming with sharks is expensive?

Yeah Swimming with sharks costs me an arm and a leg I love how that's phrased Like it's just a normal time You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Right I'm picturing someone giving a shark tour on a boat And they're missing an arm and a leg

And they're telling you how to be safe Don't They're laying down on the bottom of the boat The haul, is that what it's called? The haul And they're laying down and they're missing an arm and a leg Like, alright everyone, get over here for safety instructions Everybody head to the haul

For uh Safety briefing And you go over there and it's just like a pirate looking dude get over here for safety instructions everybody head to the hole for uh safety briefing and you go over there and it's just like a pirate looking dude with one wooden leg and a missing leg and missing an arm and he's like okay so here's what you're gonna wanna do do your scallywags do not stick your legs or your arms outside of the cage and you're just like

yeah is that what you did? that's what I did but you know he's got A guy like that Would have a bunch of puns And a bunch of funny jokes About how his He would That's

He would make this joke That's the guy He's like I know it sounds expensive To come out here 250 bucks To get in the water With some sharks

I mean look at me I mean 250 bucks is nothing Someone's shirt Cost me an arm and a leg And he like He wiggles the stump A little bit

Yeah And then the crowd's like, oh, geez. Pirate Jim is so funny. Oh, good stuff. He's on a cruise. He's the comedian on a cruise. A comedian that just lays on the stage? Because he got all his limbs jumped off by a shark,

and he just lays there and has a microphone resting taped to his face. He's like, what do you call a guy that doesn't have any arms and legs floating in the ocean? Pirate Jim! All right, I'll see you guys tomorrow night. Bob! Bob! That's right. That's right.

You got it. Thanks for coming out. Thanks for coming out. I'll be here tomorrow night. Tip your waitresses. I'll be right here. I can't go anywhere. I'll be here the whole time you're eating. he's like oh thanks and then doesn't leave the stage

and so the whole time you're eating you go back to eating and like little struggle moves he's trying to eat some roast you got a nice roast and mashed potatoes and then bob's laying on the stage breathing into a microphone that's taped to his face that's the thing like think of any show you've ever been to think of a comedy show whatever like or or a concert a band that doesn't leave they're like thank you and then they just stay where they're at and everyone just puts their instruments down and watches you leave just staring you down not saying anything

it's such a weird concept because the stage stage always clears, then people file out. But if they just didn't leave, and they were still, like, the comedian's like, thank you, you've been a terrific audience. You've been a terrific audience, but I'm like, blah, blah, blah, see you guys next week. He puts the microphone back on the stand and just folds his arms and stares. He's like, is he doing more jokes? Yeah, is this like a weird encore? What's going on?

What the fuck is happening right now? All right, let's jump off to the bonus stuff. Okay. Okay, all right. Zach! Jump off the plank. End this shit!