Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Meth. Slug Shoes. Bad Girlfriend. Fabric Seats.

Episode Date: April 23, 2025

Is there anything more romantic than having some sloppy anal sex next a pile of used heroine needles? Let's talk about that, how fun it would be to be buried alive, using a dead mouse to stop a co-worker from stealing your frozen burritos, doing lots of a little things to get revenge when you're upset with your partner, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/r52n177zr-4Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Math, slug shoes, bad girlfriend, fabric seats What? What were you trying to say? I don't know. We came in hot. We were talking. All of a sudden, the music. Oh, fuck.

We're in it. We got to roll in it. We got Mr. Mold coming. Mr. Poop was already here this morning. We got things to do, Brian. Did you get your toilet snaked or your pipe snaked? Fucking snake your mom. Ooh.

Snake your mom's. Ah, yeah. Ah, yeah. Snake your mom's toilet. You know what I fucking mean? Eh. your mom. Ooh. Snake your mom's... Ah, yeah! Ah, yeah! Snake your mom's toilet. You know what I fucking mean? Eh. All right, no, but yes. Selling the house and then just so many things that have to happen.

We're actually going to get into that here in a little bit. Welcome to episode 149. Fuck. Which kind of feels like... That's a lame number. Like if you were counting things, you'd feel like you're like, fuck, did I drop a jellybean? And you're just, it just doesn't feel right. But you know 150's coming, though. Oh, yeah yeah it's right around the corner it's right around the

and just giving you guys a heads up uh please do send in content send in things you find on the internet to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com because here in just like a i don't know a couple weeks from the time we're recording we are going to have to record like three weeks in advance because I'm fucking moving! Again. Again. Unless, oh it's not that crazy. It's pretty crazy. Well I mean all things considered. To have to move a studio

several times is pretty crazy. Yeah. I mean you're moving your house but no this studio's gotta move again. I'm aware. I'm aware. I'm aware. I'm aware, and it's worth it. It is. You will see, and you will love me.

The people watching won't know the difference. We could have never said anything you wouldn't have known the difference. Yeah, you know, just looking at the new space. I'm not sure how this is all going to fit in there, but we'll fucking figure it out. We always make it fit. We've got to make it fit, baby. So we will be recording. We need a lot of content. Again, that email, heyguysatcanyounowpodcast.com

If you want the bonus content, which is at the back end of every episode, including, you get merch discounts, ad-free shit. If it's like last week's episode, I accidentally leave something in there I wasn't supposed to, and you see some behind-the-scenes shit.

Good thing we didn't say any crazy racist shit or something. Count your blessings. I've been known to just go on raves. Whenever some tech fails, you just turn racist. You're just like, oh yeah, must be the Jews!

Yep. Well, they run everything. Good thing you didn't say that. Like I just did. That's actually going to stay in too Just sign up on Patreon Patreon.com slash CandyDomePodcast We have our merch winner announcement Do we have a drum roll thing?

We have a party horn There, that'll do Mike Shields Can you give me a chance to fucking roll? You were rolling. Yeah, barely. That wasn't even a roll. I was just starting.

I was just going like... Can you do a drum roll? I can't. I never learned how. Zach, can you? Not very well. Oh, you guys. I didn't...

I remember... All I watched was Drumline. Oh, that's not going to be good. Yeah, no. You have to actually be good. Give Joe the pens. He's being cocky now. No, but it's not with the pens

You can do it Come on, give us a roll You need the bounce of the leather It's all on the wrist So it's not gonna This isn't gonna do anything It's not gonna work You need that cow hide

That's not bad, though It's not gonna work the way it's supposed to It's better than this But Mike Shields I think that's how you say his last name Mike Shields S-H-E-I-L-S Shields Shields is what I hear. He's like, blah, blah, blah. I think that's how you say his last name. Mike Shields. S-H-E-I-L-S. Shields.

Shields. Shields. Shields. What'd you say? Sometimes when the E's in front of the I, it makes an I sound. Zach just yelled something. I have problems. Oh.

It's probably Shields. But I don't know. Okay. So anyway, Mike, you won. So you have to make the choice. We've already emailed you. Send something to us. Whatever you want. We will sign it. We will send it back or leave that decision up to us. We'll choose something random and you have to just accept it. Use condoms.

Yeah, whatever it may be. We got confessions on the show today and that's the intro. Let's fucking get rolling. Let's roll. Zach! Hey, shut up. start the show already you guys you guys ready to go to a dark dark place like your mom's butthole all right zach yeah that probably is yeah chose mom's butthole not a lot of light in there would... It's on the snake light. Remember that? Would you rather be burned alive... Jesus Christ.

Yeah, this is dark. Or buried alive. Burned. Okay. Can we talk about it, Zach? No. I think you need to slow down. Now move on. Let's move on. Come on. I've mentioned this

on the show, but for whatever reason, and maybe it's not that bad, because you don't get to talk to him afterwards to really dissect how bad it was, but getting electrocuted, fried from the inside out, is probably my biggest fear.

Well, would you know? tell me i don't know did you just hear what i said i love electricity as much as the next guy but i don't know what a that's shocking but that that that inside out unable to let go muscle cramp fried you from your from your organs out you've been zapped before right like like a muscle zapper or something good zaps uh i've been i've been electrically zapped but nothing like like a fork and not a 420 like nothing that's gonna or 220 to whatever the 24 anyway listen i'm not i'm not a fucking oven doctor in 80 80 listen i'm not a fucking oven doctor An 8080? Listen, I'm not a fucking outlet scientist So nothing that big I've peed on an electric fence

Did you lick a battery? Oh When you were a kid? That's how I make sure it's okay A kid? You still do that? Still do it Jesus Christ

What? Is it Were you going to say you want to make sure it has some power? Yeah, you can tell by how much it hurts Yeah, you can also do that with some wires. Just like, oh, I'm going to go get the wires and have a perfectly good tongue. That is true. You always have the tongue.

You won't always have the. I'm pissed you can't do that with all the batteries. Like car batteries? Okay. Okay. Listen, I'm not a car battery doctor. That seems like a bad idea. No, like double A's.

Oh, yeah. Like, why can't I test those with my tongue? Well, because you handle them. So they probably don't want you dealing with, you know, open. I mean, they're out there slinging nine volts of all willy nilly. You guys are making me taste the battery right now. I can taste it in my mind. But why can't I test them just like that?

Anyway, not the point. Do you really need the answer to that? No. Yeah. It was just a rhetorical thing. Okay. I wish that I could test everything with my tongue. You get it.

Yeah! Let's check those fluids. So big fear, getting electrocuted from the inside out, completely fried. I don't know if your brain's still there or if it is actually painless because it's just like overwhelming and then you're just gone great so burned alive is in that same realm and we can we can add some modifiers to this because i know what you're going to say doesn't need it okay well let's let's say in both cases you have a boner okay does that change anything well uh burned alive with a boner or buried alive rock hard if you're buried alive you're gonna get a few jerk sessions out probably you think that's their your final go probably

what else you're gonna do i don't know It seems like a tough situation to get hard. There are variables in the Buried Alive. So, let's say you're, let's say you somehow lived, everyone thought you died. They put you in a casket and you wake up. Oh no, you're just like, sure, okay, that's one. That's so you can like, you can see your surroundings and you're like,

you realize where you are or whatever, like it's dark, but or versus like, I've seen video, like a snowboarder falling into a crevice and buried in snow and you don't know whether you're upside down, right side up. I think it's like traditional buried alive. So in both cases, you know you're going to die. Okay? And you pick one and they're like, okay.

And they either cover you in gasoline and so you just stand in there and then it's not or they pick you up and then put you i it has to be in a casket right so you're in a casket and then they just bury you alive but you know that's it and you just lay in your casket until the oxygen runs out and you're dead. I think the worst part of all of that is the option that you know. Then have a boner. No. And there's nothing you can do about it. No, the worst, the part of it is,

I didn't consider the fact that you know it's coming, you have to choose. So like, if you're, let's say your house catches on fire and you wake up in the middle of the night and there's nothing you can do, you're surrounded by flames and you're going to burn alive, or you wake up and you're buried alive. But if you're like sitting there and you wake up in the middle of the night, and there's nothing you can do, you're surrounded by flames, and you're going to burn alive. Or you wake up, and you're buried alive. But if you're sitting there, and you have to pick one,

and then you're lowered into a space, that makes it even worse, because you know it's coming. Not that you're surprised by it. Sure. That's its own fucked up. I know. When it comes to buried alive, I feel like it's like that traditional, you're just getting buried or you're getting burned. That is it.

Well, the buried alive, you're going to be alive longer. The other way, you're probably going to go into shock. I don't know, though. You've seen those videos of the monks that set themselves on fire? Yeah. Then they just walk around sometimes those guys are probably so disconnected from reality because that's like they're just i mean it's it's either quick and in unimaginable pain until you're dead or a slow death that's probably more peaceful, mentally tormenting.

Yeah. But when your oxygen runs out, you just slowly die. Yeah. Like, you just slowly, like, no matter how freaked out you are. You sleep, basically, right? Yeah, you basically just can't fight anymore because you can't breathe, and you suffocate, and you die. No, it's a mental thing for sure, and then as soon as you start gasping,

as soon as you start, you're like, God, that fucking're like god that's fucking stinks that was a good thing i'm gonna die soon because would you rather shart then get burned alive let me throw a factor in there if you're buried alive and you just you fart and like that's more carbon dioxide in that you're like you're suffocating yourself with your own just taking out your own. You're doing your own supply. Yeah, dude. The buried alive thing, because I have like, I think most people probably have

a reasonable fear of claustrophobia. It's not just being buried alive, it's the claustrophobia. You're killing it. Are you reading? Yeah! The claustrophobia aspect of it, too, where you wake up and you're just like, oh, shit.

Like, it makes me kind of like hyperventilate a little bit. I know. Thinking about it. But the pain of being burned alive doesn't... You're just like, oh, whatever. Like your skin just melting off your body. I get it. You're guaranteed to die. I get it. Well, both cases't you're just like oh whatever i expect your skin just melting off your body i get it to die i get it i just don't you're gonna die yeah the the burning alive doesn't keep me up at night like a like thinking about claustrophobia does because just

the thought of burning alive uh doesn't it doesn't it doesn't give me an emotion or a physical feeling because it's such a crazy pain and all that. You see videos. You can conceptualize it better because everyone's been in a tight space they can't get out of. And no one likes it. Even in sports, when a guy

runs around or hits a game-winning shot and all the players pile up on him they're they're like yeah fuck yeah and the entire time i'm watching that i'm thinking like dude the guy if he's upside down that guy in the bottom is so scared yeah i just and then or that scene in game of thrones when john snow is buried under they're fighting and he's getting buried by bodies and they're fighting on top of him he's looking up and he can see everyone going he's just down there like like that that actually brings in like a physical yeah just uncomfortable feeling yeah i'm i'm with you guys i'm with you like burned alive i feel

like it's just a pain that is going to reach you can only feel so much pain so it's going to be awful and terrible then you're dead the mental side of not being able to get out of a casket that's six feet under until you run out of air it's just not a good place to be i just always think of baby jessica just get what it always goes back to baby jessica for me was that the one that got stuck in the pipe she fell down the well yeah and i mean she's too young to remember but i'm not i'm not i'm old enough but i'm not but i'm old enough to remember what that feeling of like i remember when the movie came out and i just remember i was young but i remember watching the movie thinking just like feeling ill of just like

being stuck upside down in a pipe buried in the ground and just thinking like just still to this day it makes me like oh so are we all going burned alive i am i think i would go burned alive okay burning alive burning love okay what if I put this in there? You're burned alive, but you get to pick out really cool looking clothes that you wear. That melts to your skin? Sure. But you have some cool shoes on. They're new, clean.

If you're buried alive, you're dressed like a dork. Like, just suspenders, Steve Urkel. High waters. Does that change anything? No, because no one's going to see it. Okay. All right. Well, I tried.

And the boner thing, nothing? I feel like the boner, I'd be less concerned about the boner and more about the burning. That's what my dad used to always say. It's less about the boner, more about the burning. More about the burning. You're like, I know. That's why you're in to always say. It's less about the boner, more about the burning. More about the burning. You're like, I know. That's why you're in here for an STD check. You don't have to tell me.

Can you pee? No, you don't have to tell me. Are we peeing in this cup? I love cumming as much as the next guy. But it's more, God, it's just got to a point where it's more about the burning and less about the boner. That's right. Okay. So your copay is 20 bucks.

When you got that boner and it's like you're trying to conceal it and it's stuck in your waistband but it feels good. You know? But I think it's, I don't know if I'm going to have time to enjoy it when I'm on fire. Right. Yeah, so I mean, either situation it's a wasted hard-on. I mean, if you're going to be panting and tugging away and buried in a casket, you might not even get there. It's the final hard-on. Bum-ba-boing-boing.

Bum-ba-boing-boing-boing. Just picture someone screaming and banging on a casket six feet underground while jerking off.king off here's a picture for you he's like hey let me let's say they you're doing that and let's say they're like oh my god is that person buried alive and they dig you up and they they pull the lid open and your your pants are partially down your dicks out and there's just like a covered and come a stream of come up your chest and you yell at them what are you doing i was thinking you're dead oh but they're like they're looking at you like what a way to go at least you got one last nut what a pompey what a pompey looking guy get that nice final tug out i mean that's the way you want to go right right? Yeah. Like right after, right after like your good last sex and you're just like, last sad sex,

but she didn't get there and you were planning on finish her off, but she didn't get there. So now she's just like, wait, now what? What's that? Oh, I didn't mean I was, I changed subject. What adventure did you just go on? I wasn't thinking about the casket anymore. I was just thinking about like, if I'm going'm going to go, that's the way to go. Not slow and a bit.

I know, but you're talking, but you're staring off into the light. I was staring off a little bit. And you're like, but she didn't get there in time. But God, you loved her. Yeah. She meant everything to you, but she just didn't know how to shovel fast enough. You know, she just... No, yeah.

I'm like, where are we? What? Yeah. She buried me. Okay. All right. No, this has nothing to do with being buried. I was thinking like, instead of like dying of old age, it's like you and you're 70 years

old and you're just like, you and your old lady are just going to pound town and you ejaculate and then you just die of a heart attack. I see. You took us. Yeah, I just went somewhere else. You just went rogue. I was just, well, I figured like, if I'm going to die, like this thinking about. Yeah, I just went Went somewhere else I was just well I figure like if I'm gonna die like this thinking about if you're gonna die How do you want to die? You want to die like slow and alone? Well, you want to die in this case you're doing life

Yeah, yeah, okay. I knew I knew we'd all pick that quick and fast We're all just stuck in our own head so much. Of course. You don't want to lay underground and fucking think about dying Think about it. Yeah, I got i do that every night when i go to bed i don't need to do that in a hole somewhere well that was a waste of time zach next hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about this actually plays into that hole what are you thinking about it actually plays into that whole what are you thinking about it does thinking about fucking dying and uh not like that do you would you

rather yeah like what do you think about now i'm thinking about suffocating in a coffin i'm just thinking about how fucking bad i want to come yeah you know what i mean okay okay no i took care of that this morning so i'm'm good. I'm good to go. I'm not thinking about it at all, actually. Gross. As we hinted towards at the beginning of episode 149, a nice, even, comfortable number, was that there's a bunch of shit going on in the house right now. Yeah.

We had Mr. Poop. He was over here making sure the sewer line was figured out we got Mr. Mold coming because apparently whoever installed the vents whenever they did it which I can tell you right now it was a long time ago

so like the bathroom vent has been noisy for a bit and I took it out and I fixed it and as I was researching it like it's so they don't make it anymore they're like if you have this fuck you because whatever parts you want how about no and they just have the newer model that apparently doesn't suck sounds like our fucking furnace

i thought you're gonna say your rv a little bit of that too these don't make it anymore and there's like the little metal clips that hook the the cover for the bathroom fan up and whoever installed it broke it and you could tell because where the plastic clip-in part is it was melted with a lighter to seal in the metal clip because they fucking snapped it off and they're putting it in so all of this and then we found out that the bathroom vent uh supposed to vent to the outside guess where it was venting into your master bedroom into the attic so mr mold is going to be here and he's going to take care of that because for the last 70 years uh all the poop and shower molecules have just been pushed into the attic that's a good spot for it is that why we all have mesothelioma just shove it right up the turtle's still living through i mean it's not it's not bad it's not a big deal uh you know

they're just gonna come and fix it and check it out and then like So anyway, I say all that to say this because we are moving. And because there's a lot of costs that come with that. When you get like an inspection done and then a potential buyer looks at the inspection report and says, okay, well, I am not going to move in unless you get these things figured out. You just have to pay for some shit before you get to leave the house that

you're in and go to the house you want. And we did that to them as well like we had an inspector look at the new house and then you're like well this is what should be fixed because it sucks by chance you're not sending poop particles into the app into our bedroom or anything are you first question was your house built correctly and they're like that's a good question to ask and you're like all right that's good enough for me you just took their yeah i think so i mean i mean it works look at it standing up the walls are there look at he's opening the door he's like the doors are working we love so much we don't live in it anymore wait that doesn't help me yeah why are you leaving you leaving? Well, good question. Fuck me, huh?

All of that, things cost money. And so in this moment, like for the last few weeks, like driving for Uber Eats. And I was inspired by you. You started driving for Uber Eats and DoorDash, which I can't break the code. I'm not sure if they did a background check and they're like no this got too many airport incidents listen we can't we can't mix food and switchblades yeah just don't have room for it uh my city they have too many drivers so i can't so i'm doing uber eats but you you drive around too yeah and deliver food yeah yeah i uh i got a little stir crazy at home. And my wife, it was, she was, it's the classic, like, it's when the guy. It's the classic, like, get out of my house.

It's like when the guy retires from his job and then he's home all day. And then the wife's like, you got to do something. If you don't leave, I'm going to set you on fire. Yeah. You got to do something. I'm going to bury you alive. I'm going to. You alive here and sitting there. All day yeah i'm going to kill you not good

enough for me yeah you you are terrible and your face sucks yeah because as much as as busy as my brain is physically i don't have to do a lot like we do the podcast i do do some videos. But I don't have to be out somewhere. So I'm just home all the time. And kids are at school. So you just, I don't know. You know when people, they retire and they're like, what am I going to do with myself? It's kind of the way it feels. Just nothing but fishing and golf. And then one month of fishing and golf, they're like, I can't do this.

You do that all the time. I went back. Shit. You're waiting your whole life to just do this. Do that. Oh, yeah. My back's... Shit. You're waiting your whole life to just go fishing every day. Human condition, dude. You're like, fuck,

I don't want to fish every day. I fucking... Bad day fishing is better than work. Like... Is it? You look pretty sad, dude. My mom retired.

Well, fucking bad day on the golf course better than a good day at work. Yeah. pretty sad, dude. My mom retired. Fucking bad day on the golf course better than a good day at work. Your mascara's running. Yeah. You look pathetic, sir. I've had bad days on the golf course. That's not fun. I would rather be making money.

If you're not good at golf, if you're not really good at golf, golf sucks. You know what I mean? Even if you're good at golf, sometimes golf sucks you know what i mean even if you're good at golf sometimes golf sucks yeah but you can at least you get through it again human condition right the better you get at something the higher expectations get yeah the more you do something no matter how much you think you would love it forever eventually you're like that that comes with like i don't like spaghetti, they get, it's like you work your job.

You're like, I want to make more money. You make more money and then you go out and buy something that now you're basically just where you were before. Because you can afford the new thing, but now you're even again. So you're like. God, man, having this bathroom vent work properly is really making me happy. Yeah. So anyway. You're getting out of the house.

So I was like, yeah. But then it's like, oh, this is a good way to make money that's not like having to work for a company where I have to go in or do something. So it's like it's a night. It's perfect for me because I get out of the house and drive around and deliver people food that don't want to leave their house. And it's like that's the irony of that's kind of funny because i'm like i had to get out of the house so i'm delivering food

to people who don't want to leave the house yeah yeah it's not lost on you yeah yeah uh and it's it's it i find it entertaining because i'm out driving around seeing parts of the city that i yeah we haven't talked about this very much it's like i've been to some apartment complexes like i didn't know people lived there i didn't know people built apartment complexes that were that complex like that yeah like you're underneath a football stadium you live here what how did you get here i've walked into places where i was like i'm like what the where am i and they're like oh leave it at the door i'm like what the fuck the fuck, dude? Be like, listen, I'm going to throw it in the air. You don't need me in there.

You meet me on the street. You have my location. Just come here. The least you could do is 10 feet. Don't make me come all the way to your dungeon. I know that subway is three blocks away and you ordered subway to get delivered. I'm not going to ask ask questions but the least you could do is come on out here don't make me navigate this fucking complex place sometimes i don't know

if i'm gonna make it out of there alive you get into some places like i've had to go like put a code in a gate and i walked through and i'm like it's like dripping water It scans your eye Yeah, dude, like, where am I? I'm going in State your name Brian Okay, Brian Open it up Walk down there and you're like, here's your Taco Bell

Uh-huh Oh, speaking of Taco Bell, they're the worst They can be I'll get an order for like three bucks to drive seven miles and I'll be sitting there waiting 20 minutes for someone's chalupa. And there's no one in the drive. I'm just sitting in there waiting

and I'm like, I gotta drive seven miles still and I'm waiting for 20 minutes for three bucks. Thanks to Pantload, Chet. Sometimes you'll get an order where... What did you just say? Thanks to Pantload, Chet. It get an order where What did you just say? Thanks to Pantload Chet It's from Wayne's World

Oh, okay Some, like, you'll get an order It's like $20 to drive five miles I'm like, that's a good ratio That's a good deal there And then you get the X-Apto Like, I gotta drive You were telling me you gotta drive to fucking Rathdrum

Oh, yeah for a drop off a sandwich oh yeah i went wild the other week uh last week at the time that you record this and sometimes they're nice like they understand and um i have found that like if it says like leave at the door i'm like oh man if they're like meet at the door i'm like fuck yeah really yeah because then i get to have a, they get to see me. I get to have an interaction with them and do something funny where they're like, this motherfucker. Yeah, I like that guy. This guy.

I'm going to give him an extra tip. There was a guy. Just quick story. I was in Coeur d'Alene. Delivery was in Post Falls. So, you know, not close, but not bad. Fuck you. round total probably like 25 minutes to pick this food up get over there and then head back

and um his name it was rick but it was all it was all lowercase and i was like this could be greater terrible i don't think it's rick and it was like meet at the door so i got there and i was like i was like all right i'm here and i texted that like while i was parking and i walked around the corner and he was already outside and he was looking the wrong way and i was like oh rick i'm right over here oh you silly goose he turns around he goes i just thought i missed you and i was like that would be funny if i texted you i was here and gave you two seconds and ran off with your food. This is mine now. Yeah.

And he's like, yeah. And we just had like a little conversation. And then I got back in the car and I was like, it's going to work. I was like, big tip. And they just tipped like 26 bucks. That's awesome. Yeah. But I just need to interact.

Yeah. But you see some crazy shit. So anyway, what I'm getting at with all this, and there's plenty of stories like when people open their door and you get to see in their house and you're just like whoa uh but outside of that this is going to tie back into a what are you thinking about from a long time ago now but when i brought this story up it seemed to strike a chord and there's a lot of people actually from spokane that were like oh yeah that fucking that fucking mcdonald's i'm aware of that mcdonald's it's something so i'm talking about the story where we stopped to

get some breakfast before heading out like on a boating camping excursion uh and it was the old man that clearly shit his pants and then went to the bathroom and then ezra had to go to the bathroom and this guy just took his dirty ass diaper off and there was shit all over the bathroom everyone's throwing up inside our sweatshirts and throwing up from the smell like in the urinal it was so bad i cannot explain it he's in it you guys puke it out there yeah same mcdonald's okay so two deliveries came from this mcdonald's that i want to share with you guys. This one was, I walked in there and every now and again, when you're driving for Uber eats, you just get fucked,

right? Some, most of the time you walk in, you say, I'm here for, uh, all lowercase Rick, and they give you the food and you leave.

But sometimes you have to sit there for like 20 minutes. This particular time I was in this McDonald's for 30, 35 minutes. Cause wait, which is way too long for a Minecraft chicken nugget. Just got to get that grimace. As the time goes on, you sit there and you're just like,

what am I doing? Yes, you do. You're like, why do you look around? And you're like, I could have been a lawyer. And what's funny though,

too, is like, there's one downtown that i get sent to all the time and i'll go in there and wait and there's like a homeless dude i'm not joking with his pants down around his ankles over by the drinking fountain and he was leaned over the drinking fountain just going yep and i'm standing there waiting for you just having a moment just like just waiting for the drink i'm just like what am i doing like why why i don't have to do this why am i doing this

i could i could i just leave my family you know i don't i wouldn't have to make more money if i just left yeah if i didn't have to pay for all this shit i could throw my phone in the trash can right now and literally go anywhere yeah just just go just go away just leave all right so i'm sitting there and well i was gonna drop your acceptance rate so then you'd lose your reward it's over dude i'm just fucking do some molly in miami fucking whatever it's cheaper than what the fuck i'm doing right now so i'm sitting in this mcdonald's and like a lot of shit's going on first of all there's a table with one lady who looks pretty young and there's like fucking eight kids and she's talking to them like they're fucking adults

she's like you've done enough you gotta fucking stop and i'm like That's not appropriate. And she's fucking spanking him. Like, you gotta eat your food! And she's like hitting these kids. And the other kid's like, I'm gonna shoot her with a laser! You don't fucking shoot me!

And I'm sitting there like, Oh, God. So that's just like a family. That's just going on. They're just eating. That's just there. And then while that's happening, this lady walks out of the corner and she goes you can't tell I was smoking dope

And I'm just like, huh What's going on like they have like those those like almost see-through dividers Yeah, so like it distorts your vision a little bit. I'm on the other side of it and I just go I'm like, I'm not gonna miss this and the worker was like, you were here last week I know what meth smells like and she goes, well go in there

tell me it smells like meth and she goes I'm not doing this with you and then the lady who's already pissed walks like behind the counter in the McDonald's and goes, will you come in here and tell me if it smells like meth? And she's like, lady, I just got here. My shift just started.

She goes, well, I'm not leaving. I ordered food. I'm not smoking meth. And she's like, god damn, dude. And so she's like, all alright. And she walks around there and she goes in the bathroom. Again, I'm just doing this. Watching your phone. While this clearly

methed out lady with her fucking jorts halfway down her ass is standing there tapping her foot waiting for the fucking nose police to go down to the bathroom. She walks out. She goes, smells like meth.

And this lady goes, I can't believe it. And then just walks out. After paying for her food? Just left. Got out of there. I don't even know if she paid for food. I was paying attention to the mom hitting her kids in public. Right.

And so all this shit happens. And then they they walk together they start talking they turn around and they apologize they're like sorry like you know i she was here last week it's always been a problem she uses our bathroom to blah blah blah and i was like that mcdonald's experience yeah you're like i don't care i just want rick lower all lowercase ricks i was like this is exactly what i expected but anyway i took that order and then i delivered it and it was one of those it was literally three blocks away and the directions were to go into an alley where a car was parked and i was like fuck me dude this is where batman's parents were killed i know and i

was like oh shit and of course like all of that happening and i drive like a literal three blocks maybe two blocks uh to drop it off and like this disabled guy comes out and he was so nice and he's like thanks he goes i couldn't get down there like i'm not mocking him yeah it's just like that is what he sounded like and i was like i was like it's fine he goes i get it because i you know i text i'm like it's taking longer than we expected and you know that's fine that's fine so dropped it off and then that that's one story so skip ahead uh like two days after that go back to the same fucking mcdonald's and i'm standing there to get my order and as i'm standing there i hear a thud and i look over and an old lady just fell over and she's laying on the floor and

everyone's like ma'am ma'am i'm falling and i can't get out just seriously they're all i i didn't notice her when i came in and i stay when i look over there's just an empty walker and a lady on her back laying by the ordering counter with employees shaking her and the funny thing is it was like the morning so it was like it was breakfast time and i had this thought when i got there when i parked to go in i was like well it's gonna be a good chance it's gonna be a little calmer because it's fucking 9 a.m like i'm not gonna get the meth crowd right now and i was like it's gonna be great like there's no cars no one's in there they're sleeping it turns out no it turns out that mcdonald's something's

always fucking going down never sleeps yeah it's like she gets plopped over the restaurant that never sleeps they fell down and she's and they're like what's going on she's like like just saying nothing and like do you want to get up? She goes, yes. So they picked her up and put her in one of the booths, the same booth where the woman hitting your kids was in. So that memory flashes back. And I'm like, I hope they're doing well. I'm sure they're all the next presidents.

Like this is going to be great. And I'm walking and I grabbed my order and I walked by and I stopped and I stopped her cause she's eating her food. And I'm like, I hope you feel better. And she just goes, yeah. It just looks at me while holding a hash brown.

And just goes, yeah. And I was like, I fuck this place. I can't wait to never go in this fucking McDonald's again. Yeah, I hope you feel better.

Yeah. Bye. I should have just set everybody on fire. Just do everyone a favor. By the way, it smells like fucking meth in here. Dude, the bathrooms, I started a note thing in my phone

for all the codes for all the restaurants around town because you just gotta piss sometimes when you're out and about um which is a change for me because for the last five years i've been pissing and shitting i just work at home so every time i gotta piss or shit got my own bathroom right there so now this is a whole new world for me having to like decide if i need to drive home to take a shit or whatever so i have all the codes in my thing but it's like that's all the restaurants around this area all have codes now because because math people just wander in and yeah they light up in there and they do crazy shit like it's just

i have stories just like you're talking about that we could do another time. But it's just like, this is honestly, it was, it started out as something to get out of the house. Then I was like, wow, you can actually make pretty decent money. Like, and I'm kind of having fun. And then it's like, I am getting so much like content. I do like, just like the shit that goes on that I've just not, because I'm at home all day. So, my ideas come from, like, my kids or things that I'm, but, like, this is, I am out seeing shit now. Oh, you see some shit. Some really funny shit.

This is not one of those stories, like you said, we could go on forever, but we're going to jump off to confessions here in a second. But I am proud. I did deliver tacos to a gynecologist's office. And that, was that irony? It's close. It's close. It's Alanis Morissette irony.

Yeah. It isn't lost on me. Like I just like walked in there and just had a bag of Taco Bell tacos delivering to a OBGYN. And I just dropped them off at the front. I was like, these are for lowercase Rick. He's just everywhere.

There are a couple spots around town that I've driven by a thousand times. And I've always wondered like, God, what goes on in there? Those hotels that are like rent by the month or rent by the day type of thing one right downtown i've driven by it so many times and i've been like what goes on in there sex and then i got a uh sex and big mac yeah i got a order and i was like looked on the map i'm

like fuck yeah that looks like that area you know i drive and I pull in the parking lot. I pull into a spot and I'm like, I'm here. This spot. I got it. I get out of the car. This is the top. And it was just, not even in a room, the smell of just the area of the hotel slash apartment. Just the smell. And then.

Was enough to get you hard? Oh yeah. Rock hard. Did you order a Big Mac with a fucking boner? The gal, she was like She opens the bag and your dick's just in the food? Did you order a Big Mac with a boner? Yum yum.

Usually people for the most part have been very like you said they're like they're understanding if something's late and so like but then this i this girl was very understanding and then i delivered her food and then she messaged me in the app later on she's like i didn't get all my food and i was like well i'm really sorry about that well i didn't fucking make it so that's what i said like they seal the bags and they put the receipt. I can't open the bag.

So if they didn't, it's not my fault that you didn't get the food. It's the restaurant's fault. And she was like, oh, fuck. And she gave me like a one or she dinged me. I'm like, I didn't do it. Yeah. I brought your food and I waited around around for your food lost money did all this kind of stuff and brought it to your piss smelling fucking apartment complex to your piss factory and

then you then you ding then you hit me with a ding on my on my app and i dropped out of the rewards you fucking bitch i know what are we doing walk down to Taco Bell yourself It's right down the street it's a block away I can see it Live Moss Last thing Tip your drivers And I'll say this because I never I was telling Joe

I think every person should do A job Everything you complain about like if you're like fucking waiter took took forever to get my refill or whatever the thing is it's like go do that job and see what it's like and then you go oh that's why it took then you can understand a little bit more um so this this was an eye-opener for me uh it's like now whenever i order food if i'm going to use an app or something like that, I over tip now just because like I'm doing the job.

And so like, I talked to my sister on the phone. She's like, yeah, I just order Starbucks. And it's like, how much you tip? And she's like,

I tip a dollar. And I'm like, I mean, it's right there. So, and she, cause she's like, it's right down the street.

And I'm like, so real quick, I, you think that driver lives in Starbucks? Yeah. It's like, and I, that's why I told her, I's like, it's right down the street. I'm like, so real quick. You think that driver lives in Starbucks? Yeah. It's like, and that's why I told her. I was like, a lot of times those drivers might be six miles away. So they're driving six miles to the place and then waiting for 15 minutes and then bringing your coffee that's a mile away.

And you got paid two bucks, but you traveled forever. And then you waited for 20 minutes. So you probably lost. You lost all this money. You tipped a dollar because you think it's right down the street. It's not. People aren't just sitting in the restaurant waiting.

Yeah. You know, because you're losing money if you do that. You tell your sister, like, did you get the delivery guy's name? Like, yeah. Have you checked the obituary column? Right.

Because if you keep doing that shit, he's going to jump off the bridge. You have to have to you're gonna find his name right there lowcase Rick Yeah, because some people do that they like some people do it. It's their full-time job. That's how they Make a living and if you you can make a living doing it. You got to drive all day So like yeah, just think you know, you know, just think about it a little bit. Think about it. That's right. As our friends in Limp Bizkit say.

Just think about it. That is a good bass line, though. All right. Well, now I'm hungry. Confessions. Oh, wait, real quick. Oh, shit. Real quick.

If anybody out there does this, you gotta have some stories. Yeah, send them in. You gotta have some. There's no way you've done these deliveries and you don't have some things. Because now that we're doing it, it might be fun. It's gonna be fun for us to hear the stories that you have. So, send them in. Yeah, there's some crazy

shit out there. Alright, let's hear about the fucked up shit that our kids have done. Alright. Confessions. Alright, let's hear about the fucked up shit that our kids have done. Alright. Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. We did it. We did. Do you want to do this one? Sure.

Okay. We're going to start off with a bang. Okay, I am ready to bang. Alright. You ready, Zach? No. You don't have to do anything. I'm just wondering if you're ready. We haven't heard from you in a while. I haven't put my gloves on today. I'll put these on while you're reading. Okay. Do you have yours on? No. I don't.

It makes me too sweaty. Oh, okay. I thought it was funny. The first line in this email says, God, I hope this is the right email address because this one would be hard to explain. So you know it's going to be good. Hey, guys. I was listening to last week's episode and Brian said to get into some shit and send in some confessions. Because I was like, we're running kind of low on confessions.

You got to go out and you got to get nasty. Get into something. I know. We use a lot of them every time we do a confessions episode. Well, I got into some shit. Well, get into some shit well uh well get into some shit i certainly did nice so this happened a few nights ago uh as i'm writing this so it's fresh fresh shit yeah stepped into some fresh shit me and my girlfriend

of about nine months went out on a date you know dinner shopping fucking the car the whole shebang anyways we decided we'd like to go for a walk, so we make our way to the local walking trail right off the freeway. Kind of like an overpass. That seems very safe. Sounds like a place that maybe that lady hangs out that visited the McDonald's. It sounds like city stuff.

Like you want to go on a walking trail and it just takes you under fucking the busy freeway. Like this is beautiful. I love getting out in nature. You gotta dodge those needles. Not pine needles.way. Like, this is beautiful. I love getting out in nature. You gotta dodge those needles. Not pine needles. Right. Where the hell am I at? We find a parking spot somewhere between the used heroin needles

and dog shit. And things started getting hot and heavy. Fuck yeah. We decided to take this to the back seat. Cue Joey scene. Oh, you fucking like it. You want fucking do it, Yeah, yeah. Oh, you fucking like it? Yeah, yeah. You want fucking do it? Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, you fucking want to have a dick? Oh, fuck. I have one. I let you borrow my fucking dick, you fucker. You fucking? You gonna pay the interest on it? Oh, I bet you I'm gonna fucking come. It's not 0% financing.

0% financing, gonna fucking cum. It's not 0% financing. 0% financing, you fucking slut. You're gonna be paying this for the next couple of months. Oh, you're gonna be paying this off for a while. You're fucking pregnant. Next nine months, you're gonna be... Next nine months, I'm gonna fucking go do Molly in Miami. Turn my phone off. I'm gonna throw my phone in the trash can while you're pregnant.

And you'll never see me, you fucking slut. That's such a turn on. What did you just say? Huh? Oh, shit. Was I still talking? Sorry. I blocked out. Sorry, I thought you were talking dirty. Well, we started going after it, and after a few spectators passing by, completely

see-through windows, and giving me an awkward glare as we're frozen in the most vulnerable positions trying to hide the fact that we're going doing the deed i love how they just they're they're like uh they're just going away and someone walks by like like normal fuck and then slow-mo fuck yeah and then they then they pass by it's like all right get back into it and then some lady walks by again. Just during that. It is a good way to extend it, though. If you're like a one, two minute guy, you're like, shit, I went for nine minutes.

Yep. Because we just had to keep stopping. Because the heroin needles. On account of the needles. Where the fuck am I? You're killing me. I need to start Paying attention Yeah That'll work

A few finger licks And an ass grab later She turned to the She turned to the side And decided to let me Put it in the back door So we can try the old Poop hole loop hole

I read this one to my Wife last night And she was like Jesus Christ Trying to get Were you trying to get some anal No She was trying to go to sleep Were you trying to get some anal? No. She was trying to go to sleep.

I was trying to get boned up so I could go rub one out. Fuck yeah, dude. She just feels like Brian? What are you doing? Reading confessions. Why are you moving so much? I'm going to Miami. I'm going to Miami in my head.

I'm doing Molly in Miami. Go to bed. All is going well. All is going well and we've changed positions, so now she's on her back and I'm above her. Head off on the front, you fucking slut. While I'm going at it, she's telling me to cum in her ass.

Can I please hear Joe say? Yeah, you like that? You like to fucking cum after this? So I'm pretty close to launching my baby gravy down her mind shaft, and I start smelling something. Something oddly familiar from my time changing shit-filled diapers at a nursing home or ordering food at a local McDonald's. Yeah, that's not a creepy comparison at all. This reminds me of changing my kid's diaper. I'm gonna cum.

Okay. I decided to ignore it. You probably don't want to ignore that. But in that moment, you have to. You haven't had enough anal sex. You don't understand. Sure, but I don't know.

If I'm doing anything and I start smelling something that resembles poop, I usually go, huh. Is it me or does it smell like shit? Yeah. Yeah, because you're fucking my ass. Oh, yeah. See, that's why we should avoid that area. Shut up.

You guys are dumb. Both of you. Go. Back to you. Where am I? I'm going to kill you. How do you not? To put your finger up there.

Thinking maybe it's from outside or maybe she farted. But after about 30 seconds, the smell becomes overpowering and something feels different down there. I must investigate. Oh, there it is. Okay. I do my best to hide the fact that i keep sniffing and making a disgusted face so he's a big hole oh she's like shit are you gonna come can i um yeah yeah i'm almost there more like i'm gonna puke uh and i pull out discreetly look down. What I saw was un-im-istake-able.

I thought I was going to say un-im- Un-imagineable? Un-imagineable, yeah. What I saw was un-im- Ah! Something every man has certainly imagined, but no man should have experience. Should have to experience. God, I can't.

I'm going to- You know what it is? This Confessions segment is going to suck if you can't get your shit together. No, I didn't blow it up so it's really small. Oh. Oh, look at that. So much better. Where am I at now?

Sick size. I zoomed it in and I lost my spot. Okay. Something very... Okay. A pungent brown liquid all over my dick and leaking out of her ass. Oh, yeah. Even on my fucking seat.

On my fucking fabric seat! I knew I was in deep shit. Literally. I try to remain calm and tell her it's okay as I pull out the emergency wet wipe reserve and begin deploying them. No, it's fine. It's fine. Everything's under control.

Nope. I must have thrown about 20 used shit-covered wet wipes out the window and onto the grass around the public walking area before we got the mess somewhat under control. If you weren't getting looked at before... The next person walking out there is just like

heroin needles, dog shit, human shit, human poop wipes. Yeah. We need to find a new walking trail. We need to move cities. We need to go into the woods. We need to find a new walking trail. We need to move cities. We need to go into the woods. We need to move houses. Yeah, we need to move

into the, go to the woods for a real hike. This reminds me of McDonald's. God. Back to you. I spent some time working as a CNA

in a nursing home as well at a hospital, so this is nothing I haven't seen before. Except for this time, it was on my dick, which was new. Thank God.

Anyways, I told her, it's okay, I've cleaned this type of on my dick, which was new. Thank God. Anyways, I told her it's okay. I've cleaned this type of mess up before, so no worries. Just not exactly like this. Go to bed, Grandma. Needless to say, she was very embarrassed, but I reassured her I was not grossed out. I did my best to assure her that I did not think she was gross while also making sure to cum. Now, she didn't suspect that I had some type of shit fetish since I did ask for anal for weeks before this incident. Yeah. Is this the week?

You want to try some anal, huh? Do you want to do it? She's like, I'm worried I'm going to poop now. Brains are so weird. Don't worry about that. You're like, I'd have to worry about it if she thinks I like fucking poop. It's like, no, I guess I won't take one dick in your butt. That's the end of it.

It's not much more complicated than that. It's not more your butt that's the end of it it's like it's not it's not as far as it's not much more complicated than that i just want to try a different hole i just want to put it in the one you don't want we put our clothes back on got ice cream and never spoke ever again please don't read my name if you read this on the show no apologies whatsoever for the long email love the show keep up with work yep i mean yep anal sex has to be like you just got it's it's better in a environment we can handle if something like this happens conducive to just like doing some anal sex out and about all willy-nilly you're really like it's like buying a Powerball ticket. You're going to lose. Chances are you're going to lose. Oh, yeah.

One out of 120 million times, it's going to be great. Every other time, you're going to have shit in your dick. See? And you're telling me I'm crazy. Whatever, dude. I just cum a lot. Let's keep it going. Going to stay anonymous for this one.

Back in the day, about 22 years ago, my brother came from out of state with his girlfriend to visit the family since we had been out of touch for a few years. During this visit, I started flirting with his girlfriend. As you do. Sick move, brother. Flirting with the girlfriend because she was into it and she was pretty good looking. Got to the point where she let me go down on her once. But she was not up to penetration. So kept putting me off.

That's my kind of woman. She put up that wall. Listen, you can eat my pussy, but I'm not a cheater. I think I would have been successful if I had not been for our cousin also flirting with her. But he gave her love letters that my brother then found and read. After my brother chased out cousin... What sentence is that? I don't know.

Hey, go get cousin! I think it was supposed to be our cousin. Come on, get chased out cousin! After my brother chased out cousin around town trying to kick his ass for about 30 minutes, my brother never really strayed far from his girlfriend after that. Total cock block. She ended up cheating with his friend, and they broke up anyway. You don't fucking say!

Whoa! Like, if I was watching a movie movie and then that was the big like twist wow i would delete the app who would have seen that coming i'd be like whoa what no way that she sucks since you since she let you eat her pussy your fucking brother and you're like yeah fucking make making eyes and she's like yeah you can fucking lick my pussy but i'm not gonna fuck you i have i'm not crazy i have standards i love how she just like whoever showed her attention exactly she's just like some guy at at safeway was like and then and then the and then the line about like the brother not going too far away. That's not how a relationship works.

Like, well, yeah, if I'm not within five feet, she's going to fucking suck a dick. He pretty much was just following her around from there on out. And he stepped away to the bathroom and some other dude stepped in. Baby, I go to the store. You're coming with me? No. Yes, you are. If I leave you here, you're sucking dicks.

Or my brother's going to eat your pussy and get in the car. But I still want to be in a relationship with you. And then one day he was like, hey, I got to run down the gas station, grab an energy drink. She's like, I'm just going to wait here. He's like, cool. He's like, I can trust her. Yeah. It's going to be three minutes.

She's pregnant? Yeah. Already. With his brother's baby? Mm-hmm. God. What a nightmare of a situation. All of you.

I love you guys. Thank you for supporting the show. Especially cousin. But goddamn, dude. If you're eating out your fucking brother's girlfriend, and then being like, you wouldn't leave her fucking... I just don't get it.

You wouldn't leave her side after that. I don't get it. God, you're so clingy. God, dude. Oh! Fuck it fuck it all all right moving on what's our next confession all right this is kind of a confession well it better be a lot of people know that i did this as far as i know the guy didn't the guy did it too doesn't know it was me okay six or seven years ago my job had a shared refrigerator and freezer in the break room. That's common.

Yeah, it's very common. It's a very common thing. So far, not so bad. I was on a frozen burrito kick. Zach, you're kind of a lady. I like it. Oh, my God. Those fucking bean and cheese burritos.

Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, you're a girl. And they always find you when you're sad yeah don't they pick you up when you're sad i always get the blue chimichanga bag those are more expensive big spender yeah yeah i mean i like the i like the quality i just pick out like over quantity just pick out the singles and get they just like sit there and they're ready for me the longer they sit the better yeah crusty you grab one of those sad corn dogs you're like you're like one of those guys that gets like the last roller dog huh it's just been sitting there for like 13 hours burritos yes but the hot dogs

spooked me a little bit oh that's yeah there's a line okay anybody who's been to the doctor with like any feelings of depression knows this they make you take like a depression survey and it's like they hide a question in there and it's the only question that matters they have all these things that are just normal things like how often like do you feel like you're like sad in a month and you're like oh no three to four days ten i'm sad ten and they're like blah blah and it's like, I feel like killing yourself. Have you ever thought about hurting yourself? And you're like, no. And that's the only one that matters.

But they try and butter you up. You'd be like, yeah. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. Here's some pills. So on that same survey, how funny would it be if the question that matters is like, when's the last time you brought a frozen burrito? And you're like, I have two this week. And they're like, when's the last time you brought a frozen burrito? And you're like

I have two this week And they're like, lock them up! How often do you eat your meals at Shell? Get him some grippy socks This guy's out This guy's losing it Surveillance! How often do you cook at home?

Zero days to five days? How many times do you eat at a gas station a day? One They're like, get him out! That's way too many. Full watch! If you have a Bucky's around you, I mean, come on. I like a Bucky's.

Anyway, back to you. Where was I? Right there. Okay. Please continue. I would have a pack of burritos and throw them in the freezer so I would have one on hand for my lunches. Cool. As I'm sure you're aware, each pack is supposed to have a certain number of burritos.

The first two times I came up short on my burrito count, I didn't think much of it. Fuck, was I sleep burrito eating? Yeah, you never know. I blacked out, ate a burrito at lunch. I mean, they're not memorable meals. You just kind of get through it. You just need something in your stomach. Yeah, you just want to be alive.

Right. For 49 cents. The first... After the third time, I was pretty sure my food was being taken by a co-worker. I reached out to some friends online for a good prank idea for whoever was stealing my food, and one friend suggested I put a fake mouse inside one of the burritos. Pretty solid idea. Great advice.

I decided to make it even better. Instead of a fake rubber mouse, I bought a real frozen pinky mouse. Oh, fuck. Thawed out a burrito and carved out a space in the middle just big enough to conceal the dead mouse baby. Sweet shit. Made a mark on the outside of the burrito that only I would recognize. Put it back in the package. Took a couple of weeks, but the food thief eventually got it.

Pretty sure I traumatized him, but none of my food was ever missing. Whenever. Ever went missing again. Well, I mean, I'm for it. Now the guy's got Junta virus, but it's cool. Right. I mean, I go into, if I go eat at a gas station, would I be surprised if there was a dead mouse in there? Wouldn't be too surprised.

You'd just be like, hey, can I, you know, I want this sugar-free Red Bull. Can I get a Zin Wintergreen 6? And then also there's a dead mouse in my burrito can i get a burrito without him with sans mouse what are the chances that you guys could not put a dead mouse in my burrito i expect to have some mouse just not a full mouse yeah all right grind it up and like a tail like a mouse tail or something oh my god it's even worse as you try to identify it yeah you're like what tail was this like this is a thick hair oh it's a fucking mouse tail

fuck you oh that's even worse i want a whole mouse yeah but as you start picking it apart and you're like oh what's this oh um Is that a fucking chicken beak? Because then you start thinking, did I eat half the mouse already? Did I already devour half of it? Why is there just a tail? Like, we're so sorry, sir. We're so sorry, sir. Please accept our apology. And you're like, squeak.

Squeak, not a problem. Squeak. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. That sure was delicious. I would like a full refund. Squeak, not a problem Squeak Oh boy Oh boy That sure was delicious I would like a full refund Oh boy Oh toodles

Oh toodles Oh garsh You see, garsh You eat a whole mouth, you bitch What, you bitch? You big dumb bitch Fuck you, goofy Make me You bitch. You bitch. You big dumb bitch. Fuck you, Goofy.

Make me. You're such a slut, Goofy. Only for that mouse hole. Alright, let's move off to our next confession. And it opens with, I'm going to be respectful because I'm still a kid Good on you Hello fathers It's your underaged

Crazy, horny, motherfucking Son Andy Yeah, just coming And fucking I really hope this doesn't get back to my parents. Oh, he's actually young, young. Oh, yeah. Okay.

Hope this doesn't get back to my parents. Oh, boy. Sure hope my parents don't hear about this. Oh, jeez. I'm not sure how comfortable I am. Better kick me out of the house. I don't like being a dad. I really hope my parents don't find out about this, but check it out.

But here goes nothing. About a year ago, I was 16. I had a girlfriend who is now my ex. That's how it goes. As it does. Probably for the best. Being teenagers, we were both extremely horny individuals. Foreshadowing. We decided

to go on a date. Something wholesome. Like anal sex in the back seat! We went to buy some food and go up to my high school and go for a walk classic and why do you always go back to your high school because you're just like familiar with the grounds yes we all went there like that was the thing like you drive around and you're bored you just like go back to your school you're like yeah well i'm free out here you can't fucking that's not during the week so you're like what back to your school. You're like, yeah, well, I'm free out here. You can't fucking. That's not during the week.

So you're like, what are you going to do? Put me in detention? Can't. What are you doing? What's up, Mr. Peterson? Flip him off. Fuck you. See you Monday.

Fuck you. Fucking smoke meth. Flip off your teachers. See you on Monday, you fucking bitch. Smoke meth. Now, we decided to go. Shut up. We decided to go on a date.

Something wholesome. We went to buy on a date. Something wholesome. We went to buy some food. Great. Got it. I'm from South Africa. Oh yeah, I remember this guy. He's been listening for a while. He's had some good stories.

I'm from South Africa and the high schools here are massive. Hopefully he didn't already do this story. No, I hope not. They are mainly made up of sports fields, pools, tennis courts,

and gardens. So it's a whole foods and a YMCA. Got it. So it's a Whole Foods and a YMCA. Got it. Good place for a date. Plenty of space for me and my girlfriend to walk around and not be seen. And, quote, quote, chat. It started off well. We walked around.

As a walking date usually does. Dude, this date is going so good. So we're walking around. We are walking. And this is fucking awesome. Sat somewhere, ate our dinner while watching the sunset. Shut up. It won't be cute for much longer.

Pretty wholesome, yeah? When we had finished eating, we came up with this crazy idea. We went to the lowest school where we thought no one would find us. It was getting a bit dark and no one should be walking their dogs etc my girlfriend laid down i began to finger her there it is that's the next step that's that's walking the dog yeah am i fucking right we wanted to do more as the whore as uh the horny ass teens we were so i slipped her skirt off and began to give her head. Yeah! While I was busy with my second course,

you guys got comedy over there too, huh? Yeah, I have seconds. I heard a couple children's voices in the near distance. I looked up and saw a bunch of kids coming through the back gate of the field with a soccer ball. I immediately told my girlfriend to pull her pants up i'm not wearing any pants i'm wearing a skirt you already took it off so we wouldn't scar these poor kids we got out of there as soon as possible and i still don't know whether those kids saw us to this day if they did i'm sorry sad face guys you're so wholesome. Gosh dang, man.

I still cringe about it to this day, thinking of the fact that I did it at my own school, and I was almost caught by a bunch of kids. Anyways, I love you guys. I've been listening since Is We Dumb Days before Mr. Albrecht came and crashed the show. I'm joking, calm your tits. I think you guys have officially made me the most dirty-minded

17-year-old in my country. Yeah. Whoops. Are we responsible for this? Yeah, I think so. I mean, he got himself here, but he was just a regular kid, and now he's out. He's just a regular kid fingering chicks on a soccer field in front of children. And then we came along and really turned it down.

You guys make me laugh and never fail to make me laugh. You guys make me laugh. He was killing it until that sentence. You guys make me laugh and you never,

never fail. Listen up, officer. I like your badge and I really like your badge. You have a nice badge and I like your nice badge. I like your nice badge a lot. Here's the thing Ten out of ten you dumb asses you know man. Oh just being young dumb and full of cum trap brother fucking right dude All right, what's our next confession? Hit it.

We're running long. This is a poopy one. Okay. Hi, daddies. And Uncle Zachy. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. It's your awesome daughter, niece Deja.

Hey, Deja. Deja. Woo. This feels like Deja Vu. Okay. I get it. I got it. Boy, do I have a story for you.

This is an old one. Okay. I'm pretty sure. So I live in Newpshire now i used to live in salem mass you know where they killed the witches oh yeah fuck them well there was a super fancy restaurant called victoria's station they had the best chocolate mousse yummy it was on the pickering wharf what everyone's got like the place that everyone in the area knows oh yeah yeah, down at the Pickering Wharf. The fact that everyone just says Wharf, that's fine. Like you're in, I mean, around

here, like Seattle doesn't have a wharf. They don't call it that anyway, but San Francisco is like, have you been to the Fisherman's Wharf? Yeah. I'm sorry, what the fuck did you just say? We stayed around the Fisherman's Wharf. Oh, the wharf? What a stupid word. Wharf. Oh, the wharf? What a stupid word. All those letters in a one word.

Just change it. Wharf. Fuck. Fuck you. Wharf. What technically is a wharf? It's where fishing happens, is what I'm getting. A lot of docks, but also some business. It's a wharf.

You can't say it without looking like a fucking dumbass. You know, down there by the wharf. Wharf! It sounds like you're trying to say a different... Are you talking about your wife? No, your wharf. It's where we go down in... My name's Phillip.

I work at the wharf. Phillip and I work at the wharf Phillip and I work at the wharf Wharf Okay back to you Right on the water Oh They used to have a big pirate ship docked over there Nice So where's the shit story?

Jesus Joe it's coming Whoa Joe's not even reading this either She's pissed at you Not coming you pervert Love you So my parents decided that they would take me Joe's not even reading this either. She's pissed at you. Not coming, you pervert. Love you. So my parents decided that they would take me and my brother down there to have a family dinner at this place.

Worf! FYI. I'm lactose intolerant at this time in my life. Must have been my mid-twenties. We had dinner. It was delicious. Kept trying to remember to take my dairy pills. You know, they give you the apps, then the main course, then dessert.

So it's Red Lobster. All that takes time. These dairy pills only last 30 minutes. The Lobster Wharf. That exists. I bet you it's in Vermont. Yeah. The Red Lobster Wharf.

Back to you. You know, in San Francisco, we call it the Embarcadero area. Come on. Embarcadero? They call them piers. The Tenderloin District. Shit. Who named these? Wharf. Wharf. Somebody wouldn't know where there were different sayings back then, back in the olden days. Yeah. Probably where it came from. Yeah.

Tenderloin District. Is there any pride? Do you have no pride? Is anyone proud to be in the Tenderloin District. Is there any pride? Do you have no pride? Is anyone proud to be in the Tenderloin? That's why we changed it to Gulf of America. You know what I mean? I get it. Alright. Back to you. Oh, I'm the asshole.

Where am I? You got it. So I think I'm good. Dessert time. Time for a delicious chocolate mousse. We haven't eaten in years. Mom and Daddy are eating and what not so my brother. What? That's fine.

And what not. There needs to be a comma. So my brother and I decided to take off and roam around Salem a bit in the dark, as kids do. Only lit by streetlights, so it's pretty bright considering where we live. What?! We get out of the restaurant, which the doors are on a dock, and you go to a grassy area, then down

near the water to check out the pirate ship. It's about three and a half football fields away from the restaurant, so Joe... I know exactly where it is at. This is not where it hits me. This is where it hits me. This is where it hits me. This is where it hits me. That changes the thing.

Literally everything. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Oh, God. I need to get back to the restaurant so I can shit. Now! So I tell my bro we've got to go. So we're speedwalking since if I run, it will explode out of my ass.

Clenching my ass cheeks with farts slipping out, I tell my brother I can't make it. We are by a shed thing that has like a doorway coming out, so there's a corner that I could go somewhat hide in. I tell my brother it's coming out and I need to go into the corner. So he's my lookout as I tear my pants down. I think that is a better way to spell that. T-A-R-E, I think. And I just start spray shitting all over this thing. Wharf!

That was the sound it made. As it hit the wall. Wharf! Wharf! Anyone with lactose intolerance can feel my pain. So the story isn't over. We're about one and a half, or one to two football fields from the restaurant. I need to get there

and get the... I need to get there to shit more and wash myself up. They're shitting my panties since I just pressure washed the shit outside the shit and there's no TP or napkins. I tell my brother we can go for now but I need to get back to the restaurant and go on the toilet.

So here we are, two ghetto-looking kids walking into this restaurant. You know I smelled like shit. He went to the table, and I beelined it into the bathroom. I'm a shy pooper, so this was terrible. More dumping all my insides into the toilet. I managed to get some paper towels and wet them and take them into the stall with me. I took my panties off, and thank god there was no shit on my pants hearing is hearing the word panty i know it makes you hard yeah the word panties already like it already kind of like

panties it's like a sexual it's like a sexy saying when you hear panties take your panties off but hearing it in this kind of is context is weird i took my hopefully my now my shit hear panties, take your panties off. But hearing it in this context is weird. I took my, hopefully not my shit-covered panties. You know what I mean? Yeah, I hear you. Am I the only one? I finish up in there, and I just love my panties so much. So since no one is in there, I'm trying desperately to wash my panties in the sink.

I worked so... It worked. So I squeezed them out as much as I could and wrapped them up in paper towels and brought those babies back to the table with me. I was discreet with it. But you got there. What's that?

Shit panties? By the way, we had an hour and a half drive home. Have fun with that story. Love you guys. Honk, honk, motherfucker. Love you, Deidre. All right, let's rip off our last confession and then we gotta get moving here.

I'll do this one. She wants me to read in a British accent. So at least maybe I can't fuck this up. I don't know how to start these emails. It's fucking weird. Well, what kind of accent in British? Is it like

It's fucking weird. I'm awkward, do Joe and Brian. Is it like that, or is it like, alien people, I'd like to confess some of the ways I've wronged people in the past. No, I picked the other one, because I don't know what you just said. Oh, or maybe it's like a British noble. I'd like to confess some ways I've wronged people

in the past. Yeah, let's do that. Both distant and not so distant past. I love a bit of tiny revenge. Stuff that is just right on the side of the past. Yeah, let's do that. Both distant and not so distant past. I love a bit of tiny revenge. Stuff that is just right on the side of the line but still makes you feel smug as shit. I had a boss

I hated for a while. I'd offer to make him tea every now and then and then because I like to lick the spoon before I stirred it. You see, I couldn't bring myself

to spit. She even speaks like a person. You see, I couldn't bring myself to spit. She even speaks like a person. You see, I couldn't even bring myself to spit in his drink because I'm not a fucking animal. But somehow, licking the spoon doesn't seem so bad, does it? I'd put slugs in my

boyfriend's shoes when he pissed me off. I'd unplug my coat. What a weird one. I'm so mad. I'd get some slugs the work the work that goes into it like someone pisses you off

and you're like no that's fine where can I get slugs and you're like uh huh and you're like putting on gardening gloves you're like no

I totally see your perspective I think it's go outside and find slugs yeah and you're fucking putting them you're putting i think you should talk to him about this yeah yeah i'm gonna talk to him i'm gonna do that yeah of course right after i put slugs in your fucking shoes okay this person is from england i think because of the use of the word trolley coming up yeah that's how i knew that when i originally yeah i don't plug my coworker's complete setup if they left work before me. What? This is terrible.

If people piss me off in the supermarket, I'll sneak stuff like lube in their trolley. Yeah. Right in his trolley, innit? Right in his trolley, innit? He's a bippity-bopper, innit? Yeah, this is your trolley, innit? Fucking bippity-bopper. Sometimes, just for funsies, I'll drain the battery in my husband's PlayStation controllers.

It doesn't stop him from playing. I don't want him to stop playing, but it sure makes me chuckle to myself. These are just tiny little... Is this Satan? Did Satan send this in? Minor inconveniences. Oh, my God. Fucking hell.

Sometimes, I do take a little too far though. A lot of time I guess my ex's email password and emailed his boss telling him to shove his shitty job up his tiny shitty ass.

That felt good. I love this person. Oh no. Not sorry. From a distance. I love you from a distance. From a distance. From a distance. love you from a distance from a distance from a distance

not sorry for the length of the gurgle for this email I know you can take it wow can I try to read can you try to read this in a British accent I've been told I sound like a post shove so if you can do that please please and thank you from your google-eyed loving UK

Joe Sarah I guess that's not a confession if Sarah Please and thank you from your Google-eyed, loving UK joe, Sarah. I guess that's not a confession if Sarah put her name on it. Yeah. But there you go. There's probably a couple Sarahs in England. Yeah. That is fucking hell.

I mean, would you rather that or someone just get mad at you? I think I'd rather someone burn my house down. Than do tiny little shit things? Because then you get it. It's like, fuck. You put your shoe on, you step into a squishy slug and then you go to play your PlayStation and your controllers are dead.

You're like, what the hell is happening? Girl from the other room was like, what seems to be the problem, honey? All right, well, I mean, it's a confession. Yeah. But, fuck you.

It's just your trolley, isn't it? Just deal with the problem. Oh, yeah, she's like some random guy. She just goes over and grabs lube and, like, drops it in his trolley. Yeah. And the guy goes up to, I mean, that's pretty lube and drops it in his trolley. Yeah. And the guy goes up to... I mean, that's pretty funny, though. Yeah, that is funny. He goes up to where...

He's like... And then you grab a little thing of lube. Then all of a sudden he's fucking his ass with an eggplant. Yeah. That's the best case scenario. Well, maybe it got him into something that he wouldn't have gotten into. Yeah, it gave him the little push that he needed. Yeah.

See, that's not really a bad thing. Yeah, but the slugs in the shoe and everything else, not so much. Better than a slug in the ass. Like a bullet. That's what Dad always says. Slug in the shoe is better than a slug in the ass. Sending the boss the message might be a little far. Yeah, because the repercussions from that.

Just the sneaky. He's homeless now. It's cool. The sneaky meanness. Oof. Just be mad and talk to me about it. All right, let's take a look at some good news. Zach!

So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we are doomed. Yeah! So this was just so silly and fun. And it just, you know, just doing something different. Like, you have these little dumb ideas we all do and then it's just a matter like of how far you can just go with it and now that i said dumb idea i feel bad for the next thing i'm about to say

because i appreciate zach for what he does in the scat cast universe. Son of a bitch. I don't like where this is going. What am I doing? You're going to like it. Is that you take these concepts, these abstract things, and turn them into an entire universe. Yeah, I'm having fun. Through dedication,

just an idea, and then just being like, fuck it, let's see how far we can take it. It's probably schizophrenia. Ice walls. So I didn't mean to say dumb. Okay.

But I guess it all kind of starts that way. It's all dumb, for sure. It's all dumb until someone actually... Yeah, but they support it. Okay, whatever. Take it how you want. I just want to make sure I... So anyway, in the small town of Kawara,

in Fukuka... Fuku? Fuku. Prefecta. Something unexpected is happening at the, does anyone care if I can say these words or not? Nope. The Saitosha Community Center. While kids in most parts of Japan are obsessed with the Pokemon cards.

Still? Or perhaps the franchise's latest smartphone game, Pokemon TCG Pocket. Cool name, guys. That is pretty good. The children of Kawara are clutching to something a little closer to home. They're playing a trading card game where the stars aren't

fantasy creatures, anime heroes, or even famous baseball players, but ojizan, which means middle aged or older men, from the local community of Sadusho. Look at these fucking cards.

That's great. So someone, an artist, and obviously they... That's a Japanese George Bush. Which one? The green one. Second row down. Look at that guy. This fella right here? From back here, he looks like George Bush, but Japanese. And this is kind of Johnny Depp? No, it's more like...

And this is... What's his face? Who's the smart guy? Smart... Scientist guy. Oh, Mikhail Kaku? Yes! Fuck yeah! And this is lowercase Rick. But anyway, so someone had this idea and then just started pumping out and illustrating cards of middle-aged older men.

We actually thought about doing plumbers and shit like that, like hardworking people. That looks like Elon Musk. People that deserve cards. Yeah, that's what I think too. Yeah. So good. So anyway, it has its own power-ups and its own capabilities. like elon musk people that deserve cards yeah that's what i think too yeah it's so good so anyway it has its own power-ups and its own capabilities shit yeah they probably just copied pokemon god it is so funny what a great idea catch them all okay down the street catch

them all and like they you pull a card and it just like has their name and it says pedophile and it's hollowed and shit top strength is stroking and then and then it's a disadvantage is like being discreet smelling hair making trading cards is fun as so whoever made those had a blast i know it's like isn't that crazy i'm just talking about like blast. I know. Isn't that crazy? I know what you're talking about. I like to smell hair. I know. That's just that. I like to smell hair. Yeah, not a problem. Okay, let's move off to something I found on the internet.

Smell some hair. Yeah. I'm in. That's my Biden impression. What are you guys talking about? I'm going to smell some hair. I'm going to go take a nap and smell some hair. That's really good.

Come on, man. You should take that on the road. Come on, man. a nap and smell some hair. That's really good. Oh, come on, man. You should take that on the road. Come on, man. Let's go smell some hair. Get down. Listen. Come on, man. Get over here and smell your hair. Listen, I love talking so much to the next guy, but we should go smell some hair.

Yeah. Smell some hair. Fall down some stairs. Yeah, it'll be fun. I'm retired now. I'm going to go smell some hair. So much time to smell hair. Just send me all your hair.

All right, Zach, next thing. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome!

Excuse me? What are you doing over there? I was doing the... The Biden surprise look. Where he's just like... Gotcha. So this website... I've known about it for a while,

but I'm 99% sure we haven't talked about it on the show and goddamn it just again going back to the trading cards just having an idea and then being like i'm gonna fucking do it so the website is called pointer pointer.com and the concept is very simple. No matter where you put your cursor, like your pointer on your computer, and you click on it, the website finds a real image

that has someone pointing at your pointer. Right where it is. So it's called pointerpointer.com Go ahead, Zach. We're going to give this a little run. But as you can see, I'm right there. And that fella is pointing at it. And I move. And there it is.

So just some drunk guy pointing right at my pointer. I'm going to go over here now. Like, why? It's so fucking stupid anywhere oh so wow it's not even his hand it's her hand i know just the back i'm gonna go right up here in the corner okay all the way up here what's going on up there? And then we'll go, we're right down here in this corner. How do you monetize this? I don't know. Ads.

It's so dumb. But such a funny concept. Someone's like, dude, that's awesome. I'm doing it. I mean, they have to use some AI's recognition shit for that, right? It's been around for a long time. Can you filter through all those images? Well, I'm guessing you just take the input from the cursor location and then you have a bank yeah of acceptable images that will point directly to

that location i've seen and then it always works out now you've seen it all all right time to hear from the kids all right let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right. You want to take this first one over here?

Yeah, I'll dive into her. This one's coming from our chivalrous son, RJ. Oh, wow. Hey, Shitstains and Zach. You were talking about sneezing on babies and mentioned daycare. I love how you were talking about that. We were talking about that? Whoops.

What are you talking about? Come on, man. Come on. Talking about sniffing hair. You're talking about sneezing babies and sniffing hair? Mentioned daycare. This brought up a memory. My ex worked at a daycare and called me to come up with a mouse problem.

Help with a mouse problem. Got it. Not come up with a mouse problem. Help with a mouse problem. Not come up with a... Come on, man. I need a mouse problem. Hey, so I'm down at the daycare. I can really use your help. What's up, babe? Can you come up with a mouse problem? I'm really quite a snafu here.

I need a mouse problem. As soon as you can. Love you. To come help with a mouse problem. There are 10 soon as you can. Love you. To come help with a mouse problem. There are 10 burritos. Wait, what? Zach? That's not me. That's somebody else. Oh. I believe your old man is here. Oh, somebody's

or the inspector's here. Yeah. Do you want to keep? You can keep reading. Yeah, I'll read it. So we had a bunch of burritos and we need mouses for the burritos No that's not what it was My ex worked at a daycare Just wear these fingerless leather gloves up there Hey just go up there

Hey I didn't hear you knock You're going to hear me knock your face off I'm going We were about to have There were 10 kids in the daycare And. We were about to have a... Okay. There were 10 kids in the daycare, and when they were about to have a snack or lunch, or they were about to have a snack or lunch, when a mouse ran across the floor into the supply room.

The kids freaked out, as kids do. Mice are cute. They are pretty cute. Whenever my wife sees one or freaks out, I'm always like, what's the problem? Come on, man. What's the problem? Look at his little face. It's like it's a little face in his hair. In his hair. In his tail. I just want to smell him. Get the tail

in your nose. Just a little mouth. It smells good. Lick it. Good girls. Into the supply room. The kids freaked out. So after she calmed down, I was called. Being chivalrous, I went to her rescue, determined to solve the problem. And when I got there, she showed me the door right off the area where the kids eat. All eyes were on me as I went to find the mouse.

I closed the door behind me and noticed a gray work glove. The ones you find anywhere. Being the evil fuck I am. I put the glove on and stuck a finger underneath the door they all saw it and freaked out the screaming from those children i will never forget i thought it was hilarious she did not well anyway keep doing what you do love the podcast so he just had a little mousy poking out underneath the thing let's come on man just finger that's funny the uh uh i mean i don't know what you guys were talking about but

i was upstairs and talking to the inspector that's here right now and he walked upstairs and i was like oh we're done doing this while he goes okay i just didn't want to get shot today and i was like that's a great goal every day yeah that's that's i would lead with that yeah i think that's a good goal every day. Just don't get shot. You lay down at night and pray to your Lord. Zach, he'll be walking around down here so if you see him, be extra nice

because we need him to be nice. Alrighty. Don't shoot him. Don't shoot him, but he needs to be here. You can butter him up a little bit. Thanks for telling me about that. I was about ready to shoot a guy. I know, that scared me. I thought you were yelling. I thought I heard you say, it froze! I was like, why wouldn't he just use the

microphone? Great, yeah. Two weeks in a row, malfunction. So our second email is coming in from our sober daughter, Katie. Hey daddies. Joe, I freaking love you. Finally came over from Is Me Dumb after how many years of denying your awesomeness?

Yeah. All right. Is that a compliment? I mean, just, you know, better late than never. You know what I mean? I love Brian. That's what she said. And I love Zach, too.

Anyways, I don't have a shit ton to say, but I do have a question. My three-year-old is autistic and nonverbal. That's not a question. Well, I bet you it's going to get there. Oh. Yeah. My three-year-old is very autistic of you. Yeah, it was.

Your response. Come on, man. It's not a question. No, my three-year-old is autistic, nonverbal, but I'm hopeful he will speak. His brother was kind of the same, didn't speak until he was four. Had some delays, but my youngest has the progression part. Aggression. Oh, aggression part, which my oldest did not have.

Anyways, we finally got some help from the state, but was your son nonverbal, or was he able to talk at a normal age? It's overwhelming, and our sons share the aggressive part, so I'd like to know I'm not alone. Also, I'm 35 years old, and this is my 13th and last time getting clean and sober. Lucky number 13.

Good job. Got it. Can I get a fuck yeah for having 40 getting clean and sober. Lucky number 13. Good job. Got it. Can I get a fuck yeah for having 40 days clean and sober off heroin and meth? That is a hell of a fight. Was that the chick in McDonald's? I don't think so. Is she back on it? No, because this was within 40 days.

So I don't think she's... There's no way. Maybe she's back on it. My life has changed in so many beautiful ways and I'm proud to be here for the good, the bad, and the ugly. This is it. Great movie. Anyway, love y'alls. Love your silly goose daughter, Katie. Hell yeah, brother.

Yeah. Shout out, sister. Oh yeah, I mean, first of all, congratulations on just looking at everything you're doing and being like, this isn't the path I want to be on. It's not easy. And you fall back and you do stuff. It's just a matter of knowing that the end result is don't keep doing that because it's not going to work out.

Ezra, when he was young, and I actually just, I'm thinking of this story because I just recently shared it. He didn't like, he didn't talk a whole lot. He wasn't nonverbalbal but um like i mean ezra loves this story he always brings it up but when he was young and i want to say like maybe two or so like we would read to him and you know you but he wouldn't seem like he was interested or that anything was happening he was just watching the sprinkler go outside the window while you're reading. He was just staring through you at the closest weather station. But we didn't know that he was learning anything.

And then I brought him outside one day. And again, I think it was around two. Maybe a little younger. Whatever. It doesn't matter. And he was helping me change out the license plates on the car. So I had to get the license plates updated. So I was switching out my license plates and he was standing there with me while I was doing it.

Was he holding a flashlight? No, didn't need to. Didn't need to. The sun was out. It was great. And so as I'm unscrewing it, like he just started reading off all of the letters and numbers on the license plate. And we had no idea he knew any of them. And then not only that, but he was also telling us the sounds.

He was like, D, D, H. You're like, shut up. I'm just trying to get this thing on. I'm like, shut up. God. Quicker we get this done done the quicker i can get you inside went through all of it and like what and he was like seven nine zero three and just said everything and i was just like what the fuck like we had no idea he knew anything um but as far as being non-verbal i mean as as you know katie as i'm sure you've looked into

the spectrum of autism is it's wild it could be uh and i consider ourselves to be pretty lucky when it comes to the spectrum that the aggression part is what we have to deal with and i've mentioned um before that i used to work and run a sports camp for kids with disabilities so i've seen the non-verbal the like that side of the autistic spectrum and i've seen like the ezra side of the autistic spectrum and everything in between like all of these different things where do you think on the spectrum pushing someone into a lamp? A young child. Where does that fall into?

No, that's what happens if you are autistic. You get shoved into a lamp. Right. And that's just what comes along with it. Okay. That doesn't mean I'm autistic. Right. Okay.

It just means you're autistic. He was doing something autistic. It's not me. It's you. Right. Right. I just want to make that very clear. No, but I've seen it all.

And it's impossible to figure out what's going to work for what. Like, there's periods of time with Ezra that the calm approach worked with the aggression thing. And then there's been times that being and matching the aggression. Like a sleeper hold? Not killing him. No, but also like. You're not going to kill him also like you're gonna kill him but you put him out for 10 minutes the restraining part of it is real like you have to hold him down

so he can wear out his muscles because his energy and his everything's just going haywire and he needs a squeeze and he needs to just be locked down until until it comes and it goes and then he'll get out of it but something about like um like you know when you're really mad and you start punching shit and then at the end of it you're like fuck or if you are someone that has done that like i'm not a i'm not a punch and break shit type of guy but like if you go out and like scream into your pillow you punch like punch some shit get it afterwards you're like so same thing but they don't know how to do it so you just have to squeeze them so they can do it sure in a whole instead of them breaking everything in the

house yeah they're getting the same exertion yeah but they're fighting you right they're just basically fighting themselves until they wear it down and their brain can change because of the exertion so there's been periods that that has worked. There's been periods that being aggressive, like back and being like, you can't, this isn't okay. And he's kind of cycle through this shit of being super calm or sometimes

matching the aggression works. Like not killing him, not punching him, but you can't, we can't just stick to the same thing. So it's not an eye for an eye. It's not forever. Like he'll,

it just doesn't always work. So I wish I had better advice, but good luck. Oh, yeah. Uh, no, it just,

just don't be scared to change your way rack until they submit. That might be an option. Just don't be scared to change your approach because at least in my experience the same approach only works for so long and then you got to figure out something else yeah because yeah well you know what's funny about that ezra it's not okay to tell me you wish i was dead and i wasn't your dad right like i hear you and that's great and it's very disrespectful and the whole time like screaming back at you and you're like no i hear you i hear you that's great like sometimes

being calm works sometimes you're like you can't say that you have to just fucking leave the house you got to go away like just mix up your approaches but is not does that kind of tie in about her soberness, too? What do you mean? At some point, you just got to go, got to change up what I'm doing. Got to get out of here. And look at her now. Look at it.

Sober and clear. Yeah, keep at it. 40 days is a big deal. You know, before you know it, 40 days will turn into a year. 40 days, 40 nights. We'll turn into multiple years. And there's always going to be struggles. And if you fuck it up, don't give up.

Just get back in it. Start a new streak. You know you can do it. Because days of sober and clean mixed in with days of fucking up is better than just constantly fucking up. So you're doing the right thing. All right. Well, let's jump out of here.

Let's wrap this up. We've got to get to the bonus stuff Send in that content to heyguys At canyadon'tpodcast.com Rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcasts Go check out Uncle Zach and his dumb ideas Over at scatcast Scatcast.com

That's scat with a K I got lots of dumb ideas Just so fucking stupid Over there They're all dumb until someone starts listening though, right? Like any idea you have, you're telling someone's like, you're at, you're at a coffee shop. You're like, what are you working on? Oh, screenplay.

Oh yeah. Screenplay. And then you're like, your screenplay gets picked up. You're like, that's pretty fucking cool. You're like, oh shit, that's Good Will Hunting. That's pretty sweet. But until it gets to, it's just some dumb idea that you have. And thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook.

Let's wrap this shit up. Zach, fuck you. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I have a question. Okay. Have you heard of the new sport called quiet tennis? I haven't.

Well, it's like normal tennis, but without the racket. Oh, geez. There it is. Yeah. Serve that one up. Aced it. Loved it. You loved it?

How many tennis in you, or love, ace? Mm-hmm. That's about it. Out. String me along with this joke? Mm. Mm. Yeah.

All right. Let's get off to the bonus stuff. Okay. I'm going this joke. Yeah. All right. Let's get after the bonus stuff. Okay. I'm going to go talk to this inspector guy. I got to go poop, actually. All right. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye.