Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Microphone. Bookmark. Alpaca. Noodling.

Episode Date: May 15, 2024

WHAAAAAAAAAT?! 100 Episodes is an amazing milestone and we couldn't have done it without your support! As you would probably expect, this episode gets a little wild and completely off the rails. BUT, we had a blast taking a stroll down memory lane and for almost no reason at all decided to dress up in western wear. It's ok. No one cares. Huge and tugs!!! Here's to 100 more!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/gZmBB4ZKzE0Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

microphone bookmark alpaca noodling uh episode 100 it's a big one what are we doing how do we do it i don't know how we got here Episode 100! It's a big one. What are we doing? How do we do it? I don't know how we got here. I mean, we decided to go with a Western theme. And I just have to point this out, Brian.

I'm not trying to embarrass you, but I did notice that you brought a samurai sword. I mean, you're wearing a flannel cowboy hat. Yeah. Like we're on point with the Western theme, but you also brought a samurai sword you I mean you're wearing a flannel cowboy hat like yeah like we're on point with the western theme but you also brought a sword so I wasn't I wasn't sure how you said we're doing a western theme I wasn't sure how west we were going so I brought this just in case uh turns out it was a little too far west I How west are we? I went east. Eventually, west turns into east. Yeah, if you keep going west. But you wanted to be prepared.

Yeah. Who are you judging me for, Brokeback? Look at your outfit. Okay. Huh? Have another seltzer. Listen, you don't get to have a lot of say when you order a $23 full cowboy outfit off of Amazon.

Yeah, so you're making fun of me, and this is an authentic. I just asked about your sword. Authentic cowboy outfit. You look a lot more right and tractor than I do. I'm sure, brother. Yeah. I used to wear this here. Sombrero.

I look like someone who walks into a country bar and be like, Howdy, folks. Yeah. Another round for all the howdies. For all the boys. Me and all y'all. You look like a you, like a Okay.

So, episode 100. We're so pumped. We thank everybody for supporting us over the last 100 episodes. And episode 100 is kind of weird in the sense that in like, what, like a month or so, we're going to be doing two years. Oh, you got a gun too?

Yeah. God damn. Got me a six shooter. Yeah. A little six dart shooter. Yep. Got some sick clicks. All right.

Like we're celebrating 100. Big deal. But then we're also celebrating two years. What? coming up here a lot of celebrating going on but it has been an amazing journey come on and by the time that you hear this episode uh there's a chance i'm dead yeah uh because we're recording this two days i'm going in a hot air balloon and i guess if you hear episode 101 then i'm alive and the show can continue is this

a thing that's like I'm doing this because I need to prove to myself that I can do it or is it like, let's say we never joked about it, was this going to happen anyway? no it fell in my lap it's just an opportunity

kind of like a hot air balloon falling out of the sky someone's driving into someone's backyard while they're having a family barbecue it's the same dragging the picnic table into the other neighbor's lawn i like it was uh it was like hey you want to go on a hot air balloon and they you know we talked like they don't it does not listen to the show and i was like well you don't know how funny this is and i love how funny this is so yes yeah yeah yes i will go you don't know how creating is creating a story right yeah that's what it was doing potentially ending the show uh yeah no

you'll be okay just carry on it's a funny you'll be like oh my god you can't believe this the newspaper article is gonna be great that they write on my death. Yeah. Guy who makes fun of hot air balloons dies in hot air balloon accident. Yeah. Like someone preaching about like how dangerous whatever is and then dies doing the exact thing that they're talking about how dangerous it was. If there's a website called irony.com, that would be the top story. And then inside that news article, it's going to be the one thing that I hate that we've joked about so many times is when the news station credits themselves. First reported by WGHB 10. Right. 10, Wisconsin.

In a story you'll only see here. Exclusive. Exclusive story brought to you by Jay Harrison from WHA 10. And then you get to read that article And people get to And tons of cell phone footage of You screaming As it inevitably burns to the ground

What are the chances? What a way to go though If you're going to go, that's the way to go I know, I mean, come on, bigger picture, no one cares People forget about me in 100 years anyway Bonus content If you have not subscribed on Patreon, you head over to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast

and we'll keep going. We always do on the back end of every episode. It's how you get exclusive merch. Get us to answer questions that you guys ask inside the Patreon. You'll find the link in the episode description. Thanks to everybody who has done that. Additional content. I mean, it has gotten wild lately.

It really has. Like, we're just, it feels like it's a little bit off the handle. Yeah, a little bit. If it was in, like, the public forum, the public space, we might be in trouble. Any content you want to see on the show. He's not wrong, folks. Send it in to heyguys at candydon'tpodcast.com. And that's pretty much it.

We're just going to start jumping into the show. We got to get going. Dive on in, bro. I've got to sit mic. I feel like we should play YMCA or something to roll us. Not for just me. Oh, yeah. No, I get what you're saying.

But doesn't that make it that much better? Yeah. It does. Don't say it in moan. You bet it does Bite your lip Yeah it does That fucking

Should we roll that segment This is like velvet And my hat's also velvet It's not great Zach Hey Shut up Start the show already

Alright so we Reworked this But the original concept Our concept Was sent in by our son Seth Right Okay Just spawn the The idea was sent in by our son, Seth. Right? Okay.

Just spawn the idea. Put it in the Petri dish. Sometimes it's all it takes. Yeah, just put the ingredients in the Petri dish and then we turn it into something. Yes, sir. Would you rather do at least three sexual activities that are listed in the Urban Diction dictionary each week or never be able to have sex again. Do we have some examples of what we'd be doing here?

Do I? I'm trying to think. Do I look like a cowboy? Do I look like I'm unprepared? Like I haven't been through it? Ding. Just the antithesis of a real cowboy right now. This guy, dude.

You look like a kid. It looks like the kid costume. Like, if you're going to buy a kid Halloween costume. Yeah. Yeah, I know. It fits that way, too. Yeah. It's tight.

I know. I get it. Dude, it's some high production cowboy shit, dude. Like Yellowstone. And the camera's like, it's moving between all these dudes and it goes to me. I reckon. I reckon, right? I reckon.

And then it cuts away from me and no one ever talks about the velvet vest with the, what are these things called? Streamers? Tassels. Tassels. Tassels. Streamers is the right word. You like my streamers? You definitely look like someone in a spaghetti western. Way back what they thought cowboys looked like.

Yeah. Not at all. Okay. So yeah. look like yeah no not at all okay all right so yeah the three sexual activities every week that are in urban dictionary and god damn you know there's some stuff in there and i'm not all we have one in there yeah rotten sled it's killing it's killing it i haven't looked recently the last time we looked it had hundreds of upvotes then one down vote like i don't care for it no i don't like it this is dumb probably a guy that stopped listening to the show he's like i'm gonna show him he's like i'm gonna this is gonna hit him right where it counts fucking out of here did uh no but i did grab some urban

dictionary terms that relate to this would you rather uh first one is the french microphone when someone's sleeping with their mouth open and you fart in their mouth causing an echo like one of those kid mics you know we have one of those who doesn't with like the spring inside of it. You're like. Oh my God. Okay. Okay. Moving on. And I mean, I always said I didn't grab a ton of them.

The Alaska pipeline. It's a classic. I knew it existed, but not everyone does. It's when one person shits a nice long turd into a condom and freezes it. Then use it to fuck another person. And it says either in the pussy or in the ass. Your choice.

At this point. It's a dealer's choice type of thing? Yeah. Oh my god. So you gotta get that orgasm before that thing thaws out. Yeah. you do.

So you got to move quick. Right. Otherwise you have a flaccid, squishy shit condom. Okay. And I don't know if this is an urban dictionary, but I just thought about it on the spot. And think about it. The Alaska Pipeline Deluxe. You don't put it in a condom and if you do you take the condom off and you just put it in their butt so the frozen turd in their butt so

you can insert it and then they poop it back out dude i'm gonna vomit no you're not oh yeah raw dog in the alaskan pipeline dude yeah what a i've never wanted that alaskan pipeline. Dude. Yeah. What a... I've never wanted that Alaskan pipeline to not happen so much right now. It's not... Again, this is not necessarily about coming. You just have to do it. German carnival. You know, this is going to be good.

Oh, yes. While a male drops an upper decker. And I love this one because it ties in multiple urban dictionaries to create a new one. an upper decker And I love this one because it ties in Multiple urban dictionaries To create a new one So while a male drops in an upper decker Which is the leaving of fecal matter In the tank of one's toilet

Turning the water brown Primarily done as revenge Or a drunken practical joke But sometimes in an emergency When the bowl is clogged or the bowl is clogged. Okay. So now you know what an upper decker is. You don't poop in the toilet, you poop up on the tank.

Got that out of the way. Next part. A girl drops an A.C. Slater. Okay. Albert Clifford. Back into the definition. When you decide to take a crap on the toilet facing the wrong direction, much like how A.C. Slater sits in a chair when he's at the max that's amazing max with 2x okay so backwards chair sit okay moving on next part and performs a blumpkin which is also also urban dictionary here

we go the delicate the delicately balanced art of getting your cock sucked while taking a dump and then it wraps up this entire german carnival after all this definition and it just says at the same time that's a lot of that's some multitasking how did germany get involved that's what i want to know well they uh had a a fascist leader who had an uprising i mean fucking don't tell me they have a history of always getting involved i guess the whole world god damn there you are perfect knew he was gonna chime in good timing loved uncle call me zach okay so this is again this is this is part of it. And it goes on and on. We got one more. And this is the Houdini.

Houdini refers to a sex act where a male who is fucking a chick doggy style in front of the first glass window quickly pulls out and his friend jumps in to continue banging her. The first man then proceeds to run naked and dance in front of his bitch outside the window. Magic, eh? Ta-da! God, Urban Dictionary is one of the first toxic websites. There's worse, but this thing just let the worst of humanity

be like, I can type whatever? I just get to type whatever and put it on there and it gets put up. And the worse the better. Right, okay. So just terrible examples. You know it goes on and on. We didn't cover the Cleveland Steamer, the

fucking pirate. Classic. They're all there. Okay. So eventually you're going to run into these particular ones. I mean, yeah. Or never have sex again. And I think once you use it you lose it right no doubles no what is that what is that urban dictionary is it hooker come on that was yeah never mind uh so when i read this this would you rather i thought about the situation that you have like a loving couple

like they they're so in love high school it's the notebook yeah high school no well that was a disaster well but they what do you want what's what's you yeah then that's how he asked what do you want what do you want that that's the scene. They're crying in the fucking rain. They're crying. What do you want? She's like, okay, okay. I'll take the German carnival, I guess. But this loving couple, they have already busy lives.

They're doing fine. And they're writing out their calendar. Middle class. Yeah, writing in the calendar. It's like, okay, baseball practice on Tuesday, but then she's got volleyball. Also Tuesday, God damn it. And then she's like, you know, calling you and trying to figure it out. And you have this week, you have this seven days where you have to do this shit.

No matter how tired you are. And you're writing on your family calendar, fucking Houdini. You're like... Right after the PTA meeting, squeeze it in. Right after the PTA meeting, we're going to squeeze in a French microphone. And then we got to be quick because then it's... We got volleyball practice and she can't be late again. Right.

Or it's Friday and you're tired and you guys both fall asleep and you wake up in a panic and you wake up and you look at the clock and it's 1155. Right. And this is it that you have to get it done. You're like, babe, wake up, wake up. We have the Alaska pipeline. Do you have to shit? No.

I don't have to. I'm like, you're just like this crazy panic and they're just they're in love but god damn it i have to fart in your mouth tonight or never have sex again like tossing out what we have talked about for 100 episodes as being pretty important yeah it is very important and honestly i love the idea of them two like it's 11 57 and it's a thing that has to get done and she's laying in the bed and he's like squatted over the top of her mouth and he's like she's like come on fart in my mouth he's like i don't have one and they're just like the urgency you don't have one they start fighting fighting over a French microphone? Oh, yeah. You farted. You had no problem with the fucking, what's the one where you fart under the blanket?

Oh, Dutch oven. Dutch oven. You had no problem. Immediately. And you were laughing. Yeah. Like, well, we had Mexican food. Tonight we had cheese.

So it's really clogged up. Yeah. It's like, thanks for making fucking macaroni and cheese for dinner again They're fighting over dinner Fighting over that while squatting over trying to fart in her mouth Oh my god The kids come running in What's the matter?

What's the matter? Oh daddy who doesn't have a fart to fart in my mouth again I have one Oh no Doesn't say who has to do it Alright Timmy come on over Doesn't say who has to do it I have one. Oh, no. Doesn't say who has to do it. All right, Timmy, come on over. Doesn't say who has to do it. Timmy, can you do it?

Can you do it on command? Can you keep, do you want to keep our marriage together? Go fart in your mom's mouth. Go fart in your mom's mouth. Oh, my God. Good boy, honey. Good boy. Now go to bed.

You have early wake up. Did you brush your teeth? Your mom needs to brush her teeth. Mommy needs to brush your teeth. Mommy needs to brush her teeth. Mommy needs to brush her teeth again or I'm not getting back in that bed. Anytime you get kids involved

and it's like, it's so matter of fact like that. It's like, well, do you want mommy and daddy to die? Well, then you need to fart in mommy's mouth. Then you need to. Okay, well, and I would never make you do this unless it was an emergency. Ordinarily, I would never do this. Ever, but you need to poop in mommy's mouth then you need okay okay well and i i would never make you do

this unless it was an emergency i would never do this ever but you need to poop in this condom oh my god dude oh man an eight-year-old's poop in a frozen condom you you you fucking your wife's butt oh my god with an eight-year-old turd in the condom. You're using sentences I would normally say. And now you've flipped the tables. And I don't care for it. Episode 100, baby. Everything's backwards today.

I would be saying that and you'd be like, and now you're grossing me out. Good. Man. I'm going to be a out. Good. Oh man. Um, I'm going to be a monk just for the record. Okay. So you're just saying fuck it all.

Yep. I'm going to be a monk instead of exploring the depths of humanity to keep your sex life together. You can find me at some strange temple. And there's probably some, I mean, there's some good ones. Like people like think they're writing something crazy on urban dictionary and you're like that's fine like that's totally fine

but that's a lot of days yeah eventually you're getting to the french microphone yeah eventually that's what you're doing three um do at least three sexual activities each week. So there are 52 weeks in a year. Yeah. And you have, it doesn't say you just have, you could do three in one day and get it out of the way. Right. Yeah.

You said three in one. Yeah. You just have to have a night of, I mean, maybe you just, just drink and drugs and just get them out of the way and then go to church on Sunday. Where the preacher is also putting things in your ass come on come on yeah um i don't know i might just have to jerk off yeah just call it quits yeah okay i think it just gets too wild in there like you have some leeway for a bit but

10 20 years from now you're that's the thing dude you're telling your friend to sneak through a window so you can you can fuck your wife while you jump around in front of her and be like hey like that's that's not gonna go well i kind of want to just go like i will save this for another time, but just go through urban dictionary and see what's in there. Cause I, I try. I can only imagine. I know it's, there's a lot of not funny stuff that people think is funny.

You go there and you like, I spent like a solid, like probably 30, 45 minutes just being like, Oh my God, you guys are like, it was nine year olds. You're like, I, like probably 30, 45 minutes just being like, oh my God, you guys are like, it was nine year olds. You're like, I, I am despicable, but good God. It's like nine year olds that had in a computer lab. They were like, you fucking lost your homework and you, and you set it on fire and your dog ate it and you put the whole dog in your butt. And it's called Woodlands Middle School.

And you're like, what the fuck? This is, I hate you. What's, is it Google Gemini or is it Bard? Bard is Google. I wanted, I was going to see if AI would. No, it's not going to do anything good. Write us a urban. Oh, holy shit.

Who could that be? Do I pick this up? It could be accreditors I mean, it usually always is Make sure you say howdy Howdy Oh my god Did we win? Yeah

One Pushing one, I want to know more Did we win? Yeah. Okay. One. Pushing one. I want to know more. Para espanol, el primero dos. Okay. Okay. Yeah. All right.

You don't have to call me Joseph. Just call me Joe. Wow. you don't have to call me Joseph just call me Joe wow oh yeah okay yeah well you have my you have my number will you call me back tomorrow

I'm busy at the moment but okay alright that sounds good alright thank you alright adios the moment, but... Okay. Alright. That sounds good. Alright. Thank you! Alright.

Adios. Why do we keep... Why do you keep answering that? We know better. We know better. Well, it will keep ringing. What do they want? There's a cruise that is heading out of Miami.

Ah. And they were willing to give us all free tickets. You're looking for a couple of cowboys to saddle on up. But the whole cruise is based around rubbing and tugging your fucking nips. Oh. So.

Rubbing and tugging my fucking nips. Yep. Yep. So. We gonna do it? I'm interested. Yeah. I'm interested.

That's for sure. You didn't give them a, you didn't confirm. No. You were just like, you were thinking about it. Yeah. I said I was busy and we'll talk about it later'm interested. Yeah. I'm interested. That's for sure. You didn't give him a, you didn't confirm. No. You were just like, you're thinking about it. Yeah. I said I was busy and we'll talk about it later. Okay. Yeah.

But they obviously know that we're in. We're willing to rub and tug our fucking nips the day we die. We should probably talk about it later. Yeah. If we're going to decide to do it. Yeah. Not on the show. Oh, yeah.

We will. We'll talk about it when we're all alone. Have you seen this outfit? Yeah. You know what I mean? Let's see what this thing came up with Bust a gut Verb

To laugh uncontrollably Off to a point of pain or tears Wow We were watching a comedian tell jokes And I just busted a gut My stomach hurts from laughing so hard That's what you came up with? I mean, AI, not quite there yet.

Great at writing country songs and also songs about rubbing and tugging your nips. Naughty. No, it won't. Naughty, dirty, sexy. Make me cum. Urban addiction. You open up Google Bar and just write, make me come. Like, that's the prompt you give it?

Oh, no. I'm programmed to be safe for work and avoid explicit content. However, I can still craft a funny urban dictionary entry with innuendo. How about this? Night moves. A noun. A couple's synchronized tossing and turning in bed, often resulting in a tangled mess of limbs and playful shoves. Example one, we were both exhausted, but after a few minutes of night moves, things got a little interesting.

The cops showed up and I went to jail. Why is Google like puritanical? They're all this way. And it's not going to always be this way, but right now they're just, everyone, even AI is scared. They're worse than the FCC. I'm going to write Make Me Come. Yeah. See what it says. See what it says.

Type that in. I understand you're looking for something arousing, but I can't generate responses that are sexually suggestive in nature. However, I can help you find some resources that might be more appropriate. Would you like to explore some romance novels or perhaps websites dedicated to sex... God damn it! Just silence it. Would like to explore some romance novels, perhaps websites dedicated to

sexual health and education. There are also many... Just write back, just be like, thanks, I came. Okay. That did it. Not my proudest fact. Thanks, that worked. Thanks, I just came so hard i'm glad to hear it while i can't directly assist with sexual gratification you already did there are definitely ways to explore no you did it's cool no you're fine go to sleep i'm tired you did though no I hear what you're saying, but you already did it.

It sounds like I might have unintentionally given you the wrong impression. I apologize. My response seemed to be sexually suggestive. My purpose is to be informative and helpful. Stop making me cum. I'm going to write. That's two. I understand this is a sensitive situation. I apologize if anything I said was misinterpreted as arousing.

My purpose to be safe, I just came again. There you go. I'm glad you were able to find satisfaction. Yes. Since our conversation seems to have taken a turn, how about we switch gears entirely? Is there anything else I can help you with today? Here are some ideas. Would you like to hear a joke?

Do you have any questions about a specific topic? Perhaps you'd like me to write you a short story. Jokes make me cum. Short story about making me cum. Right. Okay. Oh, making me cuck. Whoops.

Hello. Hey. Hey. Hello. okay oh making me cuck whoops all right oh hey hey uh i'm gonna pick i'm just gonna see how it goes adventurous things there's some there's some excitement in trying new things and there's a lot on urban dictionary so before you get to like the super crazy weird shit like come on but what if you lose your partner and you can't do it like imagine just this crazy just you're the beard i didn't sign up for this i know she and she leaves you so now it's just you trying to pull off a german carnival you're on the street just beards all fucking wiry come on you don't understand it's not that bad yeah you're working three jobs just to pay hookers to fucking suck your dick

while you shit in the upper deck and you're like thank you I can live you know one thing about being a hooker my favorite thing well it's like okay if one of my favorite things if i'm just having sex with someone you know for money it's like it's one that you can kind of like turn it off i guess um maybe i don't know i've never hooked before um but once you start being like okay you, you get into like weird, you know, requests.

Paying hook, coming hard. And it's like, okay, I know, I know I'm getting paid for this, but like, where do you draw the line? Like someone says like, I'll give you a thousand bucks to suck my wiener while I'm pooping. And as gross as that sounds. Nah, it feels like that's not the line. Well, I mean, I'm not reached the line yet. I'm just shoving,

shoving poop inside of your frozen inside of a condom might be a line. Yeah. Well, okay. What if you go to the hooker? You're like, do you have a daughter or son? Okay.

I'm willing to pay big money for you. Child to shit in a condom and you freeze it and bring it meet me at the hotel and she just goes how much and you're like like you open your fanny pack and pull out 748 will this cover it let's work it like 748 like a couple like sticks of gum a little half of a subway sandwich juicy fruit and she goes yeah that's fine that work. I'm hard up this week. I'm going to pick Urban Dictionary stuff. Yeah. Just because. I'm going to see what happens. Life is weird and let's go.

Zach, you're a monk? Yeah, he confused me there. I was like, button pushing? What am I doing? I think you'd have to, right? I think you have to either lean into it or have to go so far as to deprave yourself from sex before it's not depraved. Or deprived? Yeah, that's the word.

I'll be a monk, too. All right, let's take a trip down memory lane for a little bit. Okay. And we'll get into some other shit. Hey, Zach, go. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about?

You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of babe? What are you thinking about? Ah, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? Tell you what I'm thinking about, Joe. What? I just got home from a hard day's work, and the last thing I want is fucking some chick asking me questions. Okay.

Tell you what. Okay. Easy, cowboy. I just want to kick back a couple brewskis. Yep. Watch the game. Sure. Yep. I hear you. Watch the rodeo. I hear you. kick back a couple of brewskis. Yep. Watch the game. Tread. Yep.

I hear you. Watch the rodeo. I hear you. The NFR is on this weekend. I just want to watch the rodeo. And you just walk over to your window and watch the rodeo. In the backyard. It's literally the rodeo.

I want to watch Ty Murray. Remember Ty Murray? No. Probably the most famous bull rider ever. It's like you naming WWF back in the day. Wrestlers, like some of them, like you go, if you do any cut below the superstars, sorry, dude. Yeah.

Yeah. But right out the gap, right out the gate. With rodeo guys. Right out the gate. No idea what you're talking about. So we posted inside our Patreon and then also, you know, sat together, which is when we came up. What if? Okay, I got to share this.

This Western theme. I'm not sure how you envisioned that we came up with this. But Brian and I went out and grabbed some lunch and we were talking about the show. And then at one point we started talking about like well what's like the like what's a little extra something special on top of like a full giant show those sprinkles and there was like a there was a pause of whatever amount of seconds i want to say 10 seconds and brian looks up from his chicken sandwich and says i got a cowboy hat and we went all right western theme yeah and i opened my phone and ordered a this yeah and i ordered this and it got and fucking here we are yeah like you

seriously like i think you were like you were getting some some sauce off your fingers using a napkin you're like i got a cowboy hat. Western theme? Yeah. All right. And then we just moved on. Started talking about other things. Well, I have like this. We've talked about this before where like things you hang on to. I think we talked about it in the Patreon last week. Yeah, last week.

Clothes you hang on to or whatever you want to get rid of. So I just have things that they've turned into costumes or whatever so i'm like i was just thinking like what do i have at home i got a cowboy i mean and then i mean he pulls up his phone amazon and we look at it and he buys it and then i think i was here the next day and it would you just gotten there yeah like it showed up but i had not opened it no but what i did do is make sure i was wearing it when oh you and zach both showed up today yeah i was carrying a bunch of shit and he's just standing there in the doorway looking like this you do look like someone i just can't put my finger on crocodile dundee can't put my finger in

it but not cool oh yeah little crocodile dundee. Can't put my finger in it. But not cool. Yeah, a little Crocodile Dundee. It's not great. Not great. That's not enough. So we posted on Patreon and then also talked about different things. We figured we would just revisit for a little bit before we jump off to the other segment. About just like favorite parts of the show.

And there's a ton. Like people said that an absolute ton. And I will say people will write in or email in or you know post uh uh inside the candy don't playground on facebook or post on patreon they're like what was that to like oh my god that was the funniest thing like what episode was that from and almost every single time i have to say i have no idea what you're talking about yeah i don't i don't remember saying it i don't remember in that moment

yet alone here we are a week later i don't i have no idea what i said but i'm glad that you love it but i i can't help you up i don't know what when it was but these are the ones that stuck our episode names are a little bit difficult to memorize too yeah yeah he's fucking cowboy fuck bucket tickle sock yeah yeah bird hunter and you're like i don't fucking know but sometimes that's all you need like if it's a thing like not a man like not a bomb it's like oh yeah that's one of them it's gonna thing like Not a Bomb, it's like, oh yeah, it's going to be in the title. So just find Not a Bomb. Not a Bomb was, God, we were laughing so hard.

And I remember that one well. It was this, I think it came from the, like, hey, look what I found. And it was the automated suitcase, right? And it followed you around. And then I was like, that is really cool. Like, I love tech. And I was like, that sounds good on paper. And I remember finding it and being like, there's no way it works this well.

Like, I just, I know technology and there's no fucking way. So I just clicked on the one star reviews and God damn, was it funny? It was like, God, this thing worked great for 50 feet. And then it just left. It was in the bathroom. It got on another flight by itself. It was like it lost connection. It started beeping and spinning in circles.

Spinning in circles, yeah. You're like, fuck. Help. Help. Help. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. And multiple people have it I don't think we talked about this But they start following the wrong person

They pick up a new signal Have fun not a bomb That's funny you look around And they're all in the lounge With each other just going Help not a bomb Not a bomb. Help, not a bomb. Weep, weep, weep, help.

Just a bunch of people walking around the airport looking for their baggage. Just a lot of people sighing. Just everyone turning around. Just sighing. Help! You can see a suitcase spinning. Weep, weep spinning not a bomb and over the intercom it's like if you see any any unattended baggage alert authorities not a bomb it's like it's so scared

not a bomb not a bomb it's like just right it sprints out to the parking lot not a bomb, not a bomb. It's like, just right, it sprints out to the parking lot. Not a bomb, not a bomb. Gets hit by a car. Well, it's funny, like, then you infuse some AI into it. So it is, it's like, it's reacting to, not just what it's programmed to do, but also interacting with everything else. Someone's leaning down, like, it's losing its shit and someone's just trying to help. And it's getting scared. Hi, are you lost?

And he goes, you're not Jim. Not a bomb. Not a bomb. You're not Jim. Not Jim. Not Jim. Where's Jim? Where's Jim?

Not a bomb. Not a bomb. Help. Help. Help. It's peeling out. Leaving like little burn marks on the floor. Not a bomb.

Not a bomb. Not a bomb. He's like, fuck, alright, sorry. Just trying to help. Just trying to help. Which I, this is actually a good time to share this story. And I've said it, and I think I said it last week, and maybe

a couple weeks before that, a lot of shit happened in Austin. When I went down there for the solar eclipse, okay? We were out, goddammit, what's the name of the street? I gonna say sixth street so there's this amazing part of austin what nothing why'd you make a weird face it just got kind of weird loud oh um so we were there's this great part is it sixth street god damn it doesn't matter. Okay. Well, it does to people that know about it. Not a bomb. Not a street. Not a number.

And they, like, certain days of the week, they close down blocks of downtown Austin because it's just bars. So there's no cars. They put up barricades. Scooters everywhere. It just turns into a fucking party, right? So we were in town town and we popped out there to to explore that and have some fun and towards the end of the night uh our party we were walking

out and it was cassie and i and my two cousins their boyfriends and then like some other friend that knew uh one of my cousins and they wanted to grab some food and we're standing there and they're ordering food and there's these two homeless ladies and they they are you know doing homeless stuff and they walk up being homeless just doing homeless stuff and this one lady walks up and she asks my cousin you know you know i forget what she says i shouldn't't say anything. She rubs her belly. Her own belly? Yes, rubs her own belly and makes a frowny face. I'm hungry. And my cousin was like, all right. And she's standing there trying to get food and she gives her a dollar.

And she kind of gets mad about it. Like, do you know what inflation is? Do you know what a burger costs these days? Yeah, thanks for nothing. Yeah, I do. That's why I'm only giving you a dollar, bitch. And this other homeless lady walked up and they start fighting. And then the homeless lady that my cousin gave a dollar to shoves the other one so hard,

basically from feet to fucking horizontal on the sidewalk, like just like a slap. And it was like you dropped like a little ball of gack. And she didn't flop. That was a real push? No, it was just real shove. It was like, oh, God! It was like a linebacker catching a

wide receiver off guard. Just, just, and she is laying there and she is like, cartoonishly arms are out and she's not moving. Just slap there on the sidewalk. And it's a busy time. Everyone's walking around and no one's fucking doing anything.

And I'm just looking at this motionless lady. And I'm like, dude, I gotta do something. I was like, so I'm like, okay. Were you wearing this outfit at the time? Did you have your sheriff badge? I was like, step aside. I got this. I got this.

No, but I walk over and I stand by her for a little bit. And then I reached down and I touch her arm. Are you okay? And she fucking hits me. Oh, my God. She swings her arm and punches me. And I'm like, are you okay? And she fucking hits me. Oh, my God. She swings her arm and punches me. And I'm like, whoa. Like, what the fuck?

And then she stands up. And I'm, like, going back, like, oh, my. Just talking to my family. And then she throws trash at me. Oh, my God. And I'm standing there just like, oh, my God. That's what I get. That's what I get for helping.

No one else is helping. And then the bouncer is like yeah just leave that one alone that like he is just he has seen this specimen before right he's watched it happen i was like all right fuck me but you know it goes back not a bomb a lot of you're like you walk over and you kneel down and you're like oh my god i i can tell that something's wrong. Ah! Ah! Fuck you! Suitcase, they start pepper spraying.

Mm-hmm. You're like, oh my God! Holding your Wendy's breakfast sandwich and getting pepper sprayed by a suitcase. Oh! It's like, not a bomb, not a bomb, not a bomb, not a bomb. It makes me think of like BB-8 from the new Star Wars series. Okay. How he'll, you know, like they'll be doing something, a little arm will come out and like zap somebody with it or something, you know, like when it gets close.

Yeah. I guess picture like this little arm coming out and like, it's like a little mini taser. Jesus. You're not Jim. You're not Jim. Not Jim. Not Jim. Not Jim.

And then Jim's chasing a suitcase. He's like, God damn. Thanks., not Jim. And then Jim's chasing his suitcase. He's like, God damn, sorry. Sorry. He gets like this sometimes. It's like it's a little dog or a cat, but it's your fucking luggage. He's not normally like this. You're the first person he's bit.

It's a new airport. He doesn't know the layout. I don't know why he's so aggressive. He's never done this. Everything that a dog owner does. Yeah. I swear he doesn't normally act like this. He just.

Like just kind of a weird. He must smell my suitcase. It's fine. He might just smell my suitcase he probably smells my suitcase I don't know I mean what are you gonna do Samsonite am I right I don't know it's a new brand I don't know. It's a new brand.

I don't... And we worked out the kink set. We worked out the kink set. I mean, you know, it's just Kirkland trying to keep up. Sam's Club. Sam's Club. Hey, this is the Sam's Club, and I'm guessing your Kirkland's just not used to it. Oh, that's funny.

Okay, not a bomb. Sex on me. I mean, come on. A not a bomb. Sex on me. I mean, come on. A classic. Classic. Sex on me. Again, I've tried to reach out to him. He does not respond.

The views on that, though, are up through the roof, though. Oh, yeah. Like 500 plays or something? No, it's more than that, I think. Yeah, I think it's changing his life. Before he knows it, he's going to get a royalty check for $10, which I think is way higher Than he ever thought

A record deal maybe Unless he buys Unless he buys the record That's the only way that deal's working out The Cumsock puppet Oh yeah, Cummy the Cummy the Cumsock

Cummy the Chmm where that couple's having having issues and turned into that guy jerking off and trying to talk his wife into having sex with him with his own cum sock i like that i kind of like the idea of like running with that and it's like comey the commie where it's like a commie cum sock it's a cum sock that just like preaches communism everywhere it goes i don't know what communists preach but exactly i got uh one that one that i forgot about completely forgot about until somebody sent it in was the jack o'lantern oh yeah what was it was the pumpkin contest it was the guy that won the the pumpkin contest yeah and then we started talking about who got the great pictures of the pumpkin and then i don't even we started talking about how do you get into

taking pictures of pumpkins and then it was about his name, and his name was like Jack something. And then he's like, he wanted to take pictures of Lamborghinis, but they were too fast. Oh, God. So he settled for taking pictures of pumpkins because they were slow. Even if they're rolling, they're still slow. He was in the right spot at the right time for a sick Lamborghini picture. And they were all blurry. And he went back home and he's like, God damn it, dude.

I got to start shooting stuff that's not so fast. My name is fucking Jack O'Lantern. But Jack O'Lantern is close enough. So he just moved on. And this one popped up from an email that was sent in probably just a couple months ago. But it goes back to the, like, watching porn. And everything's going fine and you're in the mood. And then they throw in some weird transition that. And for everyone else, like, for normal people, it probably wouldn't have done anything.

They're just like, oh yeah, fuck another butt. Oh yeah, there's another cool butt. That penis is about to go in it. In it. Like you don't even think about like how you got from one butt to another nice butt. Yeah. That first one was a black butt. This is a white butt.

This is a white butt, but a black dick. How are we going to go? How are we going to get out of this? How are we going to get out of this? Star wipe? No, but it was right from the butthole. Yeah, it was a star wipe that came out of an asshole. Like a gaping asshole.

And it was like... And just thinking about the dude. Someone did it. They took in the time. They tracked it. They moved the transition. They were just like... It's not... It doesn't work. He's trying. He's trying. Oh my God. They tracked it. They moved the transition. They're just like, it's not, it doesn't work.

He's trying. He's trying. Oh my God. This is not going to be funny to a lot of people. But if you are in video editing and you have these stock transitions and there's this fucking gaping ass and you throw in the earthquake transition. Or like the barn doors where like the next scene drops down it goes and dust pops up you're like it's just not right yeah i know what i need i need a fucking

star wipe right out of that ass well you know so you know what it is it's it's not the editor that's uh that came up with it he's doing the work in the the guy like the the editor that came up with it. He's doing the work, and the guy that shot it and directed it, he comes over and he's helping with the editing. He's like, there's just not something that's... He's like, yeah, you're right. You're right. Just hear me out. Hear me out.

What... Do you have like a star? What kind of wipes do you get? Like a toilet one? You have toilet wipe and... Well, like a star kind of looks like a butthole. The swirl, yeah. What if, I'm throwing this out there,

if the wipe comes from the butthole out, and that's how we transition. And the guy's like, alright, let me see what I do. And then they do it. And then he does it and he goes, they both go, wow.

And then he looks back over his shoulder at the guy and the guy's like i think that works i think that was it theater is like that's why you're the boss yeah that's why you get paid the big bucks that's why you get paid the big bucks and that's why i'm putting starwebs on assholes and he's like adjust his tie and he's like all right that's. And he's like, all right, that's right. And he walks off. All right. Well, don't stay too late. I know it's Thanksgiving. Don't stay too late. You're not getting overtime. Go home and see your family.

Our work here is done. God. Just the midnight is burning the midnight oil. Brian's still not being able to read. I did get better. For a bit. Come better. For a bit. Come on. For a bit.

You give me some credit. You, like, it's a... Rollercoaster, like Oprah's diet? It's... Yeah. Are you on it? The... Like, it goes like this, and I think that you focus, and you get real good, but then

the second that you have, like, a little bit of confidence about reading. And this has happened multiple times. We're looking at an email. And you say something along the lines of, oh, this one's short. I got it. And then immediately fuck it up. Then your confidence goes. It goes below zero.

And it takes a bit for you to get back out. Yeah, because then I'm just all like. You're flustered. I could never. Some of these athletes. Some of these athletes that like. Read. You don't have to be an athlete.

You don't have to be a great reader. Yeah, that's true. Because you got to read routes. If I could just, like, these guys that line up in the Super Bowl, like a game-tying, not like a game-winning, but like a game-tying, like if I miss this, we lose, there's no way I could, I don't have the demeanor for that. And it shows where I get a little bit of a little bit of confidence and then my

nerves kick in and i can't even read an email that's like four sentences long yeah i can't even handle that you had a lot of a 45 yard field goal yeah or being in the emergency seat in on an airplane well that's just because you can't read the pamphlet. Well, you don't have to. I got a little one from Zach. I got a... And that's all I needed! It's upside down. No, that is amazing. I love that you can't read. Please don't learn.

Hey, me. It's me again. It's me again. That might be one of my favorites, too, because then you usually go off on some tangent. I can't read the emergency exit. Hey, me, why am I sitting in the city again? But I like the leg room. So I'm not telling anyone.

I can't stop looking at Megadeth. They aren't good anymore now, thanks to you. Thanks a lot. They're not good anymore. They're bad now because of what you've done to me. At least my legs don't cramp. And I've got the aisle seat. And I feel naughty. The AI story, which I don't think was, maybe, no, I don't think it was pretty, but the story on the spot, like we did with Google Bard here a second ago.

I don't even know if it was in the bonus content but there was a an opportunity live to put like chat gbt in a position to write a children's book for for the show for us to read about me trying to shove different things in my butt of course as just demonstrated it won't do it yeah you write a story, it's like, although that sounds like fun, I'd love to, but I'm not allowed. I'm not programmed to talk about butts. Yet alone, putting things inside them.

Would you be interested in talking more about other things that aren't butts and putting stuff in them? Here's some resources. And you're like, that's not that's not what i'm talking about uh but we just swapped out some words i gotta go back and listen to that episode we were we were cry laughing yeah and it was like oh it fell right out it just it was

that that was a good one that's before i got here huh i think so yeah i think so uh just how simple it was just by swapping mouth for butt or whatever it was something simple but it was it it worked it was so great and we had no idea it was like it was red in real time yeah it could have been just awful yeah but it but it wasn't it was amazing um the would you rather about hulk hogan's pussy. Brother. I'm about to cum, brother. That one, that was fun. There's a ton of, I mean, we have lost our shit over some Would You Rathers. Yeah.

Like, just what they spiral into. Of course, the jam music about, or the hold music about, yeah. Which spawned us to make a whole video about yeah the 9-1-1 dispatcher that didn't know what he was doing we need to post that on the can you don't page i think yeah good fuck yeah let's do it done that let's do that i and one of my favorites that was sent in by our listeners was when you found out in real time that having sex with a dead body was illegal did we ever confirm that like confirm with who well like we talked about not about you learning but if you could yeah don't make this worse we talked about it and you guys were all like

yeah it's illegal but i don't think we ever looked up to see if it officially was. Go ahead. Let's find the statue. Let's ask Google. Ask Google Bard. I don't know about that. Let's see what it says. But here's some resources about not fucking dead bodies. With dead bodies. Oh my God.

Illegal. Yes. I shouldn't be logged in when I'm doing this. Don't. Just. Yes. If i'm not in jail in most most places having sex is with a dead body also known as necrophilia is illegal laws around the world vary but it's generally considered a crime because the deceased cannot consent it can be disrespectful to the deceased and their family. It can be a sign of mental health issues.

That's your concern? Yeah. If you're fucking a dead body a month, you're worried about how their dad's going to feel? Yeah. That's, yeah. This does something doesn't feel right. Dude, I would love to fuck a dead body, but God, their brother is going to be so upset. If you're having thoughts about necrophilia, please reach out to a mental...

I think I should probably stop. Having a problem. I should stop. That's going on your permanent record. Well, I'm logged in, so I should get out of there. No, god damn it. Just don't fuck dead bodies. You're fine.

Yeah, but they... Okay, if I write down a list of like a kill list and somebody finds that, that's pre meditated. No, just don't kill anybody. No, but it's pre med. It's you're thinking about it. No. What? If someone, yeah, but you're missing the most important point.

Writing down, like being like, I hate these people. And then those people aren't dead yeah but they were going to be but they're not so you're fine like having any just thinking about stuff and then the thing they thought about didn't happen isn't that a thought crime isn't that what jesus doesn't like or something a thought crime that sounds like a nightmare isn't that what Jesus doesn't like or something? A thought crime? That sounds like a nightmare. Isn't that a thing, Zach? That is a thing, yes. Yeah. It's like where they, like, really religious people, they're like, yeah. Thou shalt not cover your neighbor's wife an oxen kind of thing.

That's a thought crime, even thinking about it. What about oxen? Yeah, the same as women in the Bible. What? Tenth commandment? Is that a bestiality? Yeah, something. I'm going to just stop talking.

Why would you go straight to an ox? Because you can... Because that's the tenth commandment. Yeah, because you can milk both of them. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's oxen and wife, oxen, and whatever. Thou shalt not fuck your neighbor's ox? Covet. Axe.

Don't be jealous of the axe. The oxen. The oxen. I'll just be over here. That's so dumb. What a stupid fucking book oh my god hello oh oh whoops sorry it does make women feel probably a little like are we oxen what's going on here possession yeah like that what yep if you if you beat your slave and it lives then you still beat it or something isn Isn't that a rule too?

What just happened? Should I ask Google Mark? We just took a weird turn. Isn't there something in there that says like that? It's like if you beat your slave and he lives, you're allowed to beat him more or something like that? What's the rule? Yeah, things get wild in the Bible. It does. Beating. gotta i gotta stop searching but i think i think

let's say you did get in trouble beating your slave in fucking three three years from now brian's in prison for life they're watching this video for beating people and fucking oxen and dead bodies let's see what this video is exhibit a see this is exodus 21 20 anyone who beats their male or female slave with a rod must be punished if the slave dies as a direct result but if they're not they are not to be punished if the slave recovers after a day or two since the slave is their property oh and i'm the asshole by the way no but i love that you're paraphrasing like just sounded so bad and then you look it up and you're like oh shit yeah yeah that's basically what i said right you're not wrong slightly different but it's basically the same thing same thing No you did a good job

Yeah but I'm the asshole people Remember that A lot of people which was recent I mean we died When you did the Jesse Ventura Impression I had a lot of comments about that A lot of comments about Zach joining the show

Zach love you Love you I think what people are excited for Is the crossover The worlds Colliding Yeah the community The community that's created between

Worlds are Die What The worlds Yeah George Costanza Oh I thought you were doing

Power Man 5000 For a second too This is what The worlds Come on But you just picked one word Come on Worlds collide Forget that. This is what the world's come on! But you just picked one word? Come on, God! The world's collide!

What? This is what it's like when the world's collide! The dying giant! This goes way back, of course. Sninky penguin, shit in your pants. Like, Zach's voice, hot air balloons, switchblades. That is...

That haunts me. Fingalist gloves. Yeah, fingalless leather gloves. Brian making unprofessional sounds during recording, like drinking. Tussling rappers burping. I laughed about it just today. When you picked up your drink and your eyes were like... Clank, clank, clank, clank. And I just went god damn dude

your phone ringing? Like how long you been doing this dude? It's not ringing. My timer goes off Well then turn it off! If I turn it off I'll forget to turn it back on and then when I need it it won't be on. It sounds like a you problem.

It is a me problem. Or you can remember to turn it back back on oh shut the fuck up god damn uh sexy honks i'm not a proper guy sorry sexy honks is in there um i don't know what this episode is from but i do remember it happening uh but someone wrote in and said i i've never laughed harder than the time that Brian accidentally spoke Italian what was that? I don't know but it was something oh they found that and then they found the episode

oh you're gonna try and go find it? well they didn't time stamp it so there's no way we have time for that right now but if you load that comment I think there's a reply the man who verbally abused his wife during sex uh which was like talk dirty to me he's like with four eyes yeah you fucking dweeb with your glasses on i used to kick the shit out of people like you in high school i can't believe you never finished college

she's like this is not what i meant. It's not what I meant. This is a little too real. What's wrong, babe? Oh, is that too far? Your parents don't call you because they call me and they say, they hate you. You're like, just go, my God. Yeah, I'm glad that worked out. But it goes on and on and on. I fucked your sister.

I fucked your sister. She hates you too. She hates you too. Wait, what? Sorry, I'm just playing. Well, some things are saying. It's getting a little too real. She hates you too. She hates you too. Wait, what? Sorry, I'm just playing. Well, some things are saying. It's getting a little too real. A little too real?

Why do you keep grabbing water cups and bringing them to the bed when you already have water cups by the bed? What? Just stop doing it. Stop doing it. You don't need more cups. Rinse the dishes out before you put them in the fucking dishwasher. How hard is it? The bottom part of the dishwasher is for plates. And they have to face inward towards the spinny thing that shoots water.

You fucking idiot. She's like, I'm not... I'm gonna come. Where do you want me to come? She's like, wait, what? Okay, I'll come in the dishwasher. That was one of my favorites of the recent shows. Oh, yeah.

Coming on the vacuum. I can't stop thinking about it. You coming on a vacuum. Comes up all the time in my house. Yeah, is that what you like? You like that? You like that in the vacuum? Just looking at my vacuum like, oh.

Never been turned on by Dyson. But I've been turned on by something that sucks. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. That sounded yeah. Oh, yeah. That sounded just like it in my head. We've been saying that ever since. I was trying to get to the page fast enough.

Yeah, you fucking know what I'm saying. Fucking here we go. Hot shit. Hot shit. Here it comes. This DJ is breaking all the rules. Let's go. Let's go. Go.

Go. It's just a complete shit show, but there are so many shows that are just like that. Brand new banger. And it winds down. Hold on. Brand new banger. Brand new banger. Jesus Christ.

I live in the Baja. We're jamming with the hottest disc jockey. Disc jockey. Disc jockey. Hot new mix god damn it that shit kills me can you do me a favor

there you go can you take the bandana off I want to see how much that is affecting your outfit or like turn I'm just curious

like if it's not there what it looks like no I can't I can't he refuses I can't just change my personality all right moving on to some dick okay this is part of me okay well that's what i was concerned about zach is it dumb is it interesting is it cool

holy shit we're already at an hour two. Wow. Are we? When? Oh. Yeah, the counter we have here is not going to match the counter that's in the studio. Okay. All right. So we got some dick for you. As we dabble into every single segment that we've done.

I think we're not doing petty Beef today, but you know, just because we had a lot going on. This show is going to be a banger. A banger. Let's go. Go.

Go. All right. So I never thought about this. I had never experienced it, but it's a thing and it's called Sexsomnia.

Sexsomnia. sexsomnia sexsomnia sexsomnia www.sleepingwhileimcomingandfartingyourmouth that was a stretch so sexsomnia an embarrassing sleep disorder no one wants to talk about i mean i'm fucking down yeah i can't wait to talk about it. What a bold statement. You don't know me. That's exactly what I want to talk about. A 38-year-old man repeatedly tries to force his wife to have sex in the middle of the night, but has no memory of his actions. Right.

Right. A married woman in her mid-20s often tears off her clothing and masturbates, but remembers nothing when her partner rouses her. Wait, wait, wait. It's two different stories. First reported by... It's two different stories? First reported by WSleepJerk

13, Chicago. So those are two different things. Okay. For a dozen years, a 31-year-old man masturbates while asleep, at times, injuring his groin. Oh, fuck! And then we're going to laugh about it. And I guess that's why no one talks about it. Yeah.

Embarrassed due to his unconscious behavior, he avoids relationships for eight years. These are all clinically documented cases of sleep sex or sexsomnia. Part of a family of sleep disorders called, you know, parasomnias. That includes sleepwalking, sleep talking, sleep eating, and sleep terrors. That sounds like a cowboy thing. Like, yeah, I saw a couple parasomnias.

I saw a pair of parasomnias the other day. Out there doing, driving ditch. Fucking somnias. I saw a pair of them. Both of them. Right there. Parasomnias. Parasomnias. Fucking this property's haunted. Ding.

While it may seem as if people are acting out dreams, many parasomnias occur when the brain is not in the dream state, said Dr. Carlo Schnack, a professor and senior staff psychiatrist in the... No one cares. There are disorders of arousal, said Schnack, who has studied parasomnias for decades. They most often occur during the slowest, deepest stage of sleep called delta sleep. This fucking guy. Stop it.

It's like an alarm or trigger goes off in the central nervous system and you go from your basement to your roof in no time flat. This dude just wants to study people masturbating. That's really all he's doing. Yeah, but most of the time he's just watching people sleep.

Which is pretty boring. Yeah, but you get lucky and some mid-20s gal rips her clothes off and starts fingering herself. Oh, I love my job! Okay, well, percentages are low. A 2010 study quizzed 1,000 randomly selected adults in Norway and found that about 7%

had experienced sexsomnia at least once during their lives. Just once! While nearly 3% percent had experienced sexsomnia at least once during their lives just just once while nearly three percent were currently living with the condition so not great odds for dr shinnick if he was just looking just go to the internet dr shinnick what's the population in norway though i whatever it is three percent of it is not great i mean it's it's like six eight ten million that's a lot more people than three percent here though probably what right no no no we have 360 million fucking brian how big do you think norway is it's a big-ass country i know it's

a big-ass country but is there a high population big-ass country, but is there a high population? No. Yeah, who's the asshole now? Wait, what? I'm saying there's way more people here probably than Norway, right? Wait! We got the opposite of that. Yeah, we both got the exact opposite of what... I don't think that... I'm in.

I get what you're saying. Is our population higher than Norway is what I'm asking? Yes. Yes, by a lot. So 3% in Norway is much higher than 3% here would be. 3% is 3% of whatever the number is. But the amount of people that make up the 3% is higher here. Right.

But he's in Norway. 3% here would be what? 3.6 million people over there. It might be a couple hundred thousand yeah yeah yeah okay i had it backwards that's all right cowboy this is my first rodeo that's all right i've said plenty of dumb shit on there hey it ain't gonna be the last time neither and god damn do the kids let me know

yeah they do say something like like, Joe, you fucking... It's real fucking easy when you're doing it live, ain't it? It's really easy when you don't have a football field to measure it to. That's what my dad always said. That's what my daddy always said. He also said, bigger the ponytail, bigger the problem. He said a lot of good things. He said, if you don't have a football field, how are you going to measure stuff?

And he also said, fucking ponytails are a problem anyway heading out to build a fence not to build something this guy dude this outfit you're driving by some just wiping the sweat from your brow With that outfit on It's like god damn that dude filming a music video Why is there a stripper It feels like everything should be in slow motion when you're doing it

Why is there a stripper building a fence God damn you should not be out here exclusive hot new mix pounding poles oh man okay so when i read the the sexsomnia story we should start a a band a country band like the Dixie Boy, the Dixie Cups. Dixie Dudes. And you're just dressed like that. Dixie Sticks. Yeah, the Dixie Sticks.

You have to buy a whole new outfit. Oh no! Whatever was in your sleeve just broke through your fucking neck. That was my cigarette. No, it's not. It's my wallet. It looked like Alto's not it's my wallet yeah we were you know dress up and he had a little thing rolled up in his sleeve looking like cigarettes all i could find was my wallet i think his picture in a

hardcore cowboy having a sleeve rolled up and his fucking altoids are in it yeah Altoids are in it Yeah Now when you're out here Licking a lot of cow ass Never know We're freshening up You never know We're gonna fucking Have to kiss a

Kiss a horse What did you say? What? Do you have any idea How many horses I kiss On a daily basis? You wouldn't understand Trying to judge me

You wouldn't understand Ding It's a cowboy thing So thinking about the Sexsomnia But And then we can move on to the next. But like, so someone has sexsomnia and then the other part of the, like the partnership doesn't. And they're awake. They have a book.

And like, I picture they have like that little book light. The little lamp? That clips onto it, you know, and they're sitting there and they're reading and they're flipping through whatever, you know, book they're getting to,

getting to a good part and we're in their jam jams and their partner next to them just rolls over and starts shoving stuff in their ass. Wait, in their own ass

or in the person's ass? No, in their own ass. Oh, yeah. They're just like, yeah, I fucking like it.

And she grabs the light from your book and starts jamming in own ass. Oh, yeah. They're just like, yeah, I fucking like it. And she grabs the light from your book and starts jamming in her ass. It's like, light, no light. Light, no light. She just, like, takes her reader off and, like,

puts her bookmark in and closes her book and watches her husband shove her book reading light in her ass, in his ass. It's how I like it. Light, light. Shine some light's how I like it. Let's shine some light on that

dirt black hole. Light me up, baby. And she's like... And just waiting for him to... He's like, oh yeah, that's it. And he just lays back down and she's like... Little, little, little... And she's like, god damn it.

But she's used to it and on her nightstand she has a little like a wet wipe yeah wipes it down wipes her reading light off and then he looks over the he's like just come all over his stomach and she's just i just love him oh brian just this shitty book lamp and come all over his stomach what a life we've built yeah flips the page the fucking kids walk in what's daddy doing but i guess like there's so many things of how that could go awry but the guy that like it was like he injured himself. Like, what is happening? Just going from asleep, he's fucking, yeah! He's like,

oh, yeah! Like he's on a bowl. Yeah. He's just grabbing his dick and punching it. This is how you come! It's what you have to do. And then, I think that's my best. It's just for like three minutes it's just the weirdest

shit going on and all of a sudden he's doing like fucking headstand with a chip clip on his nuts and she's just like we gotta up the medication turns her page this isn't this this won't do this is so distracting it's ignoring a fucking your husband doing a headstand with a chip clip on his nuts just jerk it off upside down yeah yeah you know i could be in the olympics and she's just like oh dear later honey honey and then she's just like, oh, dear. Honey, honey. And then she's helping him. Don't hurt yourself.

And after he comes, she's like, yeah. And then she catches him, lays him down, tucks him back in. She goes, gosh, dang it. Well, we got to talk to the doctor about that. Fingers are a little sticky. Yeah, we'll talk in the morning. Licks her fingers. They're a little sticky.

Turns the page on the autobiography. She's reading about some Nobel Peace Prize winner. It's like Michelle Obama's book. She's reading the dictionary. She's like, well, well. But yeah, okay, so let's move on to the next one. What do you got for us? Oh, shit. Fucking phone.

Or what? I need both of you to slap your computers. You need what? Oh, kick something? Yeah. There you go. Okay. Alrighty.

Let's change it up a little bit. Let's go to Moida. What? Somebody killed somebody. We're going to switch it up a little bit. Nice. All right. Oklahoma fisherman who thought friend was trying to feed him to Bigfoot convicted of murder.

Oh, man. If this doesn't have meth written all over it, I don't know what does. Yeah. That guy's face has meth written all over it. That looks like if you typed in meth guy and had AI make it. His ear is trying to leave the photo.

Yeah. His left ear is like, I'm out of here. I'm out, dude. I've heard enough. It's that SpongeBob meme. It's like, I'm out of here. I'm out, dude. I've heard enough. It's that SpongeBob meme. It's like, I'm out of here. He goes, I'm going to head out. All right.

A man who claimed he killed his friend because he believed the victim was summoning Bigfoot was convicted of murder. Oh, man. Larry Doyle Sanders was found guilty by an Oklahoma judge. A bunch of stuff that's not needed in the story. No, it is. He's calling themselves out. No, do not skip that most important part of the story.

Please read it. On April 17th, according to... No, you skipped it! Larry Doyle found guilty... Okay, you got it. Found guilty by an Oklahoma judge on April 17th, according to reports from the Oklahoman, the ADA News, and KXII. Maybe KX2. Thank God.

Now I know who brought this story to me. The fucking Oklahoman. The Oklahoman, the ADA News, and the KXII. Sick. The big three. Thank you. All of you. For teaming up.

Like, they had a conference about this thing. Like, listen, how, I mean. What else can you bring? Listen, we were all there. And I think that we, do you think we should credit all of us? Is there, like, do you want to pay me out? Do you want to buy me donuts? Jesus Christ.

And you don't have to mention the Oklahoman? I'm fine with that. I would love a good donut. And he's like, I'm not buying you a donut. And he goes, well, you're damn fucking sure to write in that this was brought to you by the Oklahoman. Oh, fine. God damn it. Such a pain in the ass.

It seems like it should be like the Oklahomian or something like that. Just the Oklahoman. Like Adonai? Yeahian or something like that. Just the Oklahoman. Like Adonai? Yeah, like the Washingtonian. Like the Oklahoman. Idahoan? Yeah. I get you.

Oregonian? Yeah. Okay. Oregonian. Okay, well thank you for letting me know who captured this article first. Thank you. Jimmy Knighton was strangled to death in July of 2022 while out fishing with Sanders. The outlets reported.

God. Why can't you just say what it is? Just fuck off! After waiving a right to a jury trial, Sanders' attorney reportedly claimed that his client acted in self-defense. Because, you know bigfoot the oklahoman reported that sanders this is ridiculous how the name dropping going on here the oklahoman reported that sanders claimed during the testimony that while out noodling with knighton he had seen three sasquatch looking figures by the river

witnesses for the prosecution testified that sanders had said he believed Knighton was trying to kill him and send his body down the river as a sacrifice to Bigfoot, reported by the Oklahoman. The paper reported that a forensic psychiatrist testified that Sanders was suffering from methamphetamine-induced psychosis and believed he was defending himself. Whoa, what? Knighton died following the fight during which Sanders put him in a chokehold, KXIL has reported. The outlets report that Sanders faces up to life in prison without parole.

Jimmy truly enjoyed anything and everything outdoors. Not in his obituary reads. He loved to fish, hunt game, ride four-wheelers, and most of all, drink his beer around a big bonfire. Jimmy never met a stranger and would give anyone the shirt of never met a stranger how do you know that i mean i get everybody felt comfortable i get what they're trying to say but they just never met anybody you didn't know yeah yeah no never had to introduce himself yeah uh and would give anyone the shirt off his back. Even. Yeah, give him his hair off his back. So.

That's crazy that meth was involved. Yeah, a little weird. I mean, who saw that coming? What? The state of my. A couple football fields away, I saw that coming. Listen. I've been as high as the next guy.

But I've never been so high to think a guy, a friend, that I'm going out noodling with. Yeah, let's not forget that. Which, if you don't know what noodling is, it's like catching giant catfish with your bare hand. You stick your hand in and they bite your fucking fist and you rip them out. So you're going noodling with not a stranger, a friend. And then your brain just goes into points like he's gonna fucking kill me and float me down river for bigfoot like we have fish that we could feed to bigfoot but that wouldn't be enough yeah bigfoot requires do you think he was you think he was like trying to drop

hints while they were noodling like trying to figure out if he's like he's like there's no way that he would do this to me like What do you think Bigfoots eat? What do you think they eat? Do you think they eat like catfish or like birds or humans? Friends. Friends that noodle. I mean, there's no way that, I mean, like Bigfoots diet. What do you think?

Is it like just fruits and berries or fish or friends that noodle? Noodle pals? Noodle pals named Jeff. There's no way they would have that. And he looks back. He's giving that look. He shakes his head. He's like, oh my God, he's going to fucking kill me.

He's like, well, you didn't say no. He didn't say that was crazy. He just shook his head and went, come on. He goes, he's going to fucking kill me. Like little subtle hints. There's only one way out of this. Oh, man. What a great day we're having.

Yeah. Yeah. They went something on your neck. Only thing that'd make it worse if, I can't imagine choking me out and feeding me to Bigfoot. He's like, I mean, that'd be something. He's like, oh my God. And his meth brain is like, oh, fuck. I knew it.

I fucking knew it. The last thing I would want to do on a beautiful sunny day. Strangle my best friend. Is choke my best friend out and feed him to Bigfoot. Three Bigfoots. And deal with the hassle of floating him down a river.

God, how are you going to know where he's going to go? And he's like, I figured it out. He's like, I fucking... Oh, God, he's going to kill me. He's going to kill me. This guy believes in Bigfoot so much that he thought there were not just one Bigfoot. It's rare to find one Bigfoot. He thought three of them were just hanging out

down by the river. Three fucking big foot hanging out. That's three times the amount of too much meth. That is true, though. If you were going to sacrifice something big foot, a catfish wouldn't be enough. There are three fucking big feet. Is that a plural?

That's half a dozen big feet. That is so much. That's a half rack of big foot. That's a plural big feet? That's half a dozen big feet. That is so much. That's a half rack of big feet. That's a quarter big feet. But no. That's a baker's dozen of big feet out there. But thinking about the measuring system, if it was professional, like through cops and stuff, trying to figure out how high you are. And they walk out there and they're talking to him.

And they're like, okay. Just stay right here. And he's handc handcuffed and he's standing by his car and he walks by the cop goes back to his partner he's like he's on meth and he goes well how much how much how much and he goes well we gotta use the bigfoot scale the harry they call it the harry henderson scale and he's like all right and he walks back over he goes okay how many bigfoot were there and he goes at least three and he goes this guy's fucking this guy's been this guy is so high on meth one bigfoot god that's 15 years three i'm not sure if you're getting out of here. His lawyer's like, his lawyer's like,

please, you can, everyone, you fucked up. You're, you are screwed. I am begging you to say that you saw one Bigfoot. It goes,

if you say three, you're never getting out of this place. He goes, no one is seeing one, let alone three. At once. What? If you,

I swear to God, if you say three Bigfoot, I'm,. At once. I swear to God. If you say three Bigfoot, I'm leaving. I'm out. And you're on your own. Don't say three Bigfoot. Well, what's funny about that is reverse go back. He

Where was it? He waved the right for Right? I was laughing about that. waived the right for... Right? I was laughing about that. It was a right for a jury trial. Oh. He's like, I don't need their opinion.

Well, he defended himself against Bigfoot. Of course he's going to defend himself in court, too. He's like, I don't need anybody. I don't need government. You guys listen. They're not going to... I mean, it sounds crazy. I don't need anybody to say, I don't need government. He goes, listen, they're not going to. I mean, it sounds crazy. I don't need people judging me.

I don't want it. I don't need more people fucking looking down on me. Just let's get this over with. Okay. Bullet points. Choke out. Noodling. Three Bigfoot.

Those are the big ones. Those are the big ones. And I think he'll understand all right you all wait wait okay sorry i just picture like you were in where the jury's gone back to the room the jury goes back to do their due diligence and talk about everything and they're all it's like nine out of ten jurors all agree he's guilty, but that one's a Bigfoot guy. He's like, dude, he saw three Bigfeet, though.

Dude, if we put him away... We may never find out where those Bigfeet are. He's a Bigfoot hunter. He's like, if we put him away, there's a chance we may never find out where those Bigfeet are. You're erasing my future by putting him away. I can't in my own

Not with the right conscience I'm sorry it's a hung jury I can't let Bigfoot get away with this God classic Bigfoot You can't let him get away with this Fucking classic Bigfoot move God damn it Everyone who sees one

Fucking squirrely bastards God he just I don't know how he does it Everyone who sees one. So fucking squirrely bastards. God, he just, I don't know how he does it. Everyone who sees a Bigfoot, he convinces everybody that sees a Bigfoot that they're on meth. And I just don't think they are. Well, isn't it the devil thing? It's like, isn't that the whole thing? Like the devil convinces that he doesn't exist or something. Isn't there?

Zach, help me out dude isn't it isn't it like that's the biggest the greatest trick of the day the greatest hold off was to convince people that he didn't yes thank you like so that's that's bigfoot the greatest the greatest trick bigfoot ever did was to make people think that he doesn't actually exist and so then if they see him then map. Because they get sacrifices fed to them. So that's the trick, right? Yeah. I mean, hell yeah, I'm in.

Hell yeah, brother. I get it. Ma'am. Cheers. All right, so you want to play something for us really quick? Yeah. We're getting over to confessions. Okay.

Like we said, this is just going to be an extended episode. Hopefully you guys are entertained. I'm fucking laughing my ass off over here. Alright, go ahead. What did you bring in? You're going to need to flip that music off. It's off. I just found this video

or found this whole thing and I think it's hilarious. Well, alpacas, you know, they're like llamas, but even goofier looking. Thank you. More emo? Yes. Tonight will be the night that I will fall for you.

Well, maybe that's what they're trying to do. Okay, now listen to them mating, and then maybe it'll make some sense. Okay. Wait, so you just, you grabbed just alpacas fucking Yep Alright I just want to be clear on that cowboy And look at the little one in the background

He's watching Mom, dad Mom, dad And so it looks like the female is lying down on all fours And the male has mounted him from the back Mounted her from the back. And then, so this is what the sounds they make when they start fucking. I'm excited.

Turn it up. It's all the way up. Jesus. It sounds like an old diesel starting to start. I don't know. Battery's dead. Look at the female. She's like, can you quit?

Right in her ear. in my ear? A couple more thrusts. Almost there. Don't move. Don't talk about your mother. Talk dirty to me. Let me skip ahead a little bit Oh my god This is

Two minutes in She's like hurry up It lasted longer than me She's like, hurry up. Lasted longer than me. She's like, I found it now. Look at her neck. That's next, Stanley. You've had your fun. Same, brother.

I thought this was funny too. Oh, shit. Oh, come on. Oh, cowboy. Hey, I'm fucking the Google. This is pretty funny too. Just look at this. Just a picture of this alpaca chewing food.

That's all he does. I get it sometimes you just gotta yell you know what I mean sometimes you just lose it his face not a bomb look at his face tonight I love you. Anyway.

I'm so sorry. So, the first time I watched that, I was just giggling like an alpaca having sex. I'll pack this in. Well, he was having trouble. He was having trouble. Anyway. All right, we're going to jump into some confessions. Are you ready to roll?

I am. All right, let's fucking do it. Yeah! Confessions. Oh, sorry. Confessions. Hi. Would you like to do the first one, Father?

Yeah. Just call me Daddy. All right. I thought about it. All right. Let me scoot back here. You still checking out llama sex? Or alpaca sex?

All right. I'm going to pack this in. Kick it off Confessions with Here We Go. You ready? Yeah, I'm ready. You ready, Zach? I think so. Awesome.

I just realized our two figurines were just laying down. Oh. Oh, shit. And my hair fell off, which is kind of, you know, that's where it's going. So I guess I can leave it. All right. I was listening to Last Night's Last Confessions about enthusiastic handjobs. Hell yeah.

For some reason, it dredged up this memory that I have shoved away for a good reason. So I had to share with everyone. It's not super long, but I personally think it's pretty good. I was dating this guy when I was younger. One of those, ew, why the fuck did I do that?

That was an all-caps fuck. Fuck! There it is. Did I do that? Relationships. But I digress. Anywho, we had just gotten done eating a big meal and drinking a little bit and started to watch a movie. Well, you know how that goes.

Little eyeball emojis. And one thing led to another, and we started getting a little frisky, as you do. Being younger, I had an appreciation for giving good head oh still do but it takes a little more effort good for you if you know you know brian doesn't know just the tip just that's all it is right that's one of my favorite i don't even know if that was regular episode or bonus someone else mentioned that and i'm like i don't remember saying that but maybe yeah you just explained i was like dude you're the fucking in and out of of getting head just just leak just go

wasting my time i want more than just hamburger or hamburger with cheese. A little pickle. No, not with you. Just lips over the top. Sometimes that's all it takes. Sometimes you're just excited it's in somewhere. I'm just happy to be here. Yeah. All right.

So I was going to town on him. Everything was going great until he started moving too. And he went a little too. Oh, he started moving. Went a little too deep and went down the throat. And I threw up. All down his dick. It was mortifying.

I was so embarrassed, I almost cried. But the kicker, he didn't realize anything had happened. Weird, right? So what do I do? I kept going. Nice. I just slurped everything up to keep everything up to keep from being the most embarrassed i've ever been i like i feel like gagging um i still don't know how he didn't smell it and to this day he still doesn't know this happened it was simultaneously the most shameful and disgusting moment of my life but you gotta do And to this day, he still doesn't know this happened.

It was simultaneously the most shameful and disgusting moment of my life. But you got to do what you got to do, right? So, yeah, it's my confession. It's only been shared between me, my husband, and God. And now you guys. Nice. Give Zach a good Zach! There it is.

For me. Are we trying to get you yelling at him? Yeah, but it's not my thing. It's your thing. It was right now. Scared the piss out For me. Are we trying to get you to yell at him? Yeah, but it's not my thing. It's your thing. It was right now. Scared the piss out of me. Way to go. Love you and keep up the good work.

That's... Well, I think it's fitting for episode 100 to talk about the situation that we've covered in the past in another Confessions. Okay. Throwing up all over a penis, an erect penis, and then licking it up just to not have to worry about it. You know where I'm going, don't you? Do you remember this story?

Or the Confession we got where the girl was on the juice cleanse and shit all over his dick and then went down and gave him a head and licked all the shit up ah exclusive new mix brand new banger Hot new mix.

Brand new banger. Hot shit. Hot shit. Here it comes. Oh, fuck. Exclusive hot new mix. Exclusive hot. Exclusive. Exclusive. Exclusive. Exclusive.

Exclusive. Exclusive. Exclusive. Okay. So, I mean, there's times where the smell of like a rank... I thought we were moving past it. Oh, kind of. So, like the smell of a rank rank... I thought we were moving past it. Oh, kind of. So like the smell of a rank pee is worse than poop.

Yeah. Right? Yeah. But I mean, puke has... There are some triggers involved with that smell. Like instantly... I don't know what happened. It wasn't always.

But I... Like the older I don't know what happened. It wasn't always, but I, uh, like the older I've gotten, there's like the smell of puke that really does fuck me up. Like when your kid pukes or something. It really does. And it wasn't always that way where I gag and I'm helping him. Like, you know, don't worry. Like you're trying to, they're, they're sick and they're apologizing.

You're like, it's fine. Like your body's just trying to get all, all the things. I mean, it's not a big deal. Like I'm fine. I'm going to help you. And we're going to take care of this.

But right now we have to leave the room. Like, so there is a power with puke, but the different, I mean, what? Sucking a ween covered in your own juice shit? Or sucking a dick and lapping up your puke? Dude, I'm going to vomit if we don't move past this. I'm not joking.

Would you rather? Okay. I just figured that we would draw a conclusion between the two. That is crazy. I can taste it in my mouth. Good for you. Oh, my God. The texture.

Oh! Eat spaghetti. Dude, if you're lucky. Partly chewed noodles. Oh, that's kind of fun. Oh, damn. Now it's a game. Like, oh, can I catch all the spaghetti noodles?

Okay, so our next confession. Here we go. And it comes out the gate swinging. I've been super gluing my ex-employer's front doors and car locks. Good God, just right out. For the last two years. And I have no intentions of stopping. Oh, man.

I work on the road, so I always come home at different times. I only do it every few months. Motherfucker should have given me my last check. He even has a camera on his front door, but I just put on a ski mask. Oh, my God. Park down the road and then wave to the camera every time and then do my usual. He probably knows who's doing it, but he can't prove it. Pay your employers, people. People?

You never know what people are willing to do. Oh, my God. How long has this been going on? Two years? Two years and no intention no intention of stopping i love that he's like dude i ain't stopping for nothing like saying that it i'm just imagining 30 40 years from now and just like you're like oh my god like what i like you you know you wake up solid night's sleep and you open your, your ring notifications and you push it.

And just like some dude with a ski mask on a rascal is rolling up. Waves. He's waving like oxygen tank, dragging on your, on the driveway. And he's like, fuck you, Ron. And he's like pay your employees fucker fuck you ron and he's like god damn it like and then how do you think that like how do you come to a spot

where you're so upset that your employer just you know withheld a check and you're like god damn what am i gonna do it seemed like that would it would lose its luster after a while like that your employer just, you know, withheld a check and you're like, God damn, what am I going to do? It seems like that would, it would lose its luster after a while. Like, okay, I'm pissed,

but I'm over it now. Oh, well, yes. It might get funnier though. Each time it's like, God damn, this is the 60th time.

Right. It's, it's like grumpy, grumpy old men. Yeah. Right. Just like always doing something that fucks with your neighbor. Well,

just for entertainment. But what I was getting at was saying saying how do you come to like the like the ultimate conclusion of get back is gluing cars and front doors and just because it's something that's really inconvenient i've never thought of that that's it's pretty great but how it, but how did he get there? Sitting around stewing. I picture some intense music playing, and he's walking around his living room, probably doing coke.

Sex on me. And he's like, Sex on me, sex on me. And he's like, I could write a new album. And so he did, and he wrote Sex on Me. And he's like, that's not enough. I have no a new album. And so he did. And he wrote sex on me. And he's like, that's, I don't know if that's like,

I have no, no way to pay off for like 20 years. He's like, I'm going to get 10 bucks as soon as a podcast picks this up. Uh, but like, there's so many other things you could do. And to just look at what's around you and be like,

I'm going to glue some fucking locks. I'm picturing. It's like a, it's like a thing. The boss gets off work, and it's a long day. He just wants to get home, and you go out to his car, and it's dealing with that. So you would think of something that's like...

I picked this up as he was gluing it at his home. Yeah, it is at his home because he has a camera on it, right? Yeah, on his front door. It's not at work. So he's driving by his home and there's so many options that you could do you could leave shit in the mailbox toilet paper you could do whatever you could mow a fucking dick in his front lawn like there's so many options that's an easy one though you just go up and i know but i've never heard of it. So I am curious on how he found himself there.

Well, hopefully this person that we don't know, because it's anonymous, will let us know. I know. That's great. How they came up with it. All right, you ready for the next one? Part two. Part two? Part D?

Eh? All right, read it. Go. Do it. Fucking, I'll play this. Actually, you know what? I'm going to make you read it to this. Because I think it's time

this dj is breaking all the knobs off let's go go okay okay turn it down a little bit because it's gonna be too loud i know that okay go a couple of years ago i had a shit box of a car and it inevitably went down on me on the exact day I paid it off. Yo, your car sucked you out? Yeah, dude, that's fucking sweet. That's cool. Which fucking sucks horse cock! Yeah!

My uncle, being a great uncle, he has let me borrow his truck. For a bit of a background, he was a retired police officer, so his truck had cameras all over it. Which I didn't know that that was even a thing. I didn't either. Never thought that just you worked for the police, you had cameras all over your car. So what if you pee all over cop cars and stuff, they'll see your dick? That's kind of hot. Fortunately for me, I helped him set up the said cameras on that truck and knew the login info for the video storage. Well, while in possession

of said truck, I was boning like crazy, and I would take the girls out to the middle of nowhere and plow them on the hood and in the bed of the truck, which had cameras pointing. Needless to say, there were about

13 hours of me just splunking. Like I said earlier,'d in uh i had the info to his server and wiped those videos off now i don't know if he ever knew i did it that or not if he did he didn't let on anyway thanks for making my work days less boring and full of laughs i love how that's like you how like serial killers have their thing like that Jeffrey Dahmer would go out to the like a gay bar and then he would drug him and bring him back to his place and

treat him nicely and then eat him and make sure they treat him right and take care of him yeah like that's this guy's thing he's like yeah I'm just gonna take him out and fuck him right on the hood or in the bay of the truck.

But it resorted around. It's like it was revolved around the truck. And I think that the and just the way that life gets right. Like it's just complex. It's a giant web. It's a fucking dream catcher of things because it gets complicated right so as he said his uncle died and it fucking sucks horse cock it's you're upset he said his words not ours yeah i would never say that that's crazy like that is intense but uh imagining But imagining, like, my dad. Did you say his uncle died?

Yeah. His car died. No. No. What? His uncle let him borrow his truck, right? Oh, what? A great uncle borrowed his truck.

He's retired. His car went down on him right as he paid it off. And that's what fucking sucked horse cock. Oh my God. How did I mishear that so bad? I don't know. I read it so well. How did he? No,

you didn't. Uh, how, how did, what? My uncle being a great uncle, let him borrow his truck. Oh man.

Why did I think that he was sneaking in after he died? Okay. So I, I found it. I apologize. When we were putting the script together, I didn't grab it. Right. There was a sentence that was missing.

Like, I honestly thought that I was like, dude, am I on acid? Like, did I just fuck this whole thing up? So the one sentence, very important that I missed when putting this in the script. It says, so about a week ago, my uncle died. And with him gone, I can finally let out this confession. Ah, okay.

Okay. Just, so you were reading this, and I was like, yeah, blah, blah, blah,

blah. And you're like, I didn't say that. I didn't say any of that. He's like, no, he said his car died. And I'm like,

oh, shit. Because I was, I was emailing with him be like oh fuck that's crazy uh okay so when what i was saying was thinking about being in a predicament like my my dad passing away right and with the web of life and how it goes it's looking at that situation and being like oh Oh my God, that sucks.

But I can finally delete all that footage of me fucking people in this truck because you have, like, that's just the way humans work. If there's one good thing that came out of this is now I can easily get that truck back, get rid of all the footage and pop in there and get rid of it. Why don't you want to though? Look, you get to go down memory lane of all the chicks and pop in there and get rid of it why don't you want to though look

you get to go down memory lane of all the chicks you're plowing right and he was saying he's like well i don't know if my uncle ever saw it and if he did he never let on if your uncle did see it and just kept it yeah and he's like i'm gonna get rid of this just yeah he goes god damn that was it's inspiration he's like that's fucking sweet so of this just yeah he goes god damn that was it's inspiration he's like that's fucking sweet so he was trying to do that too oh man that's even worse it's like this is like a magic truck or something so i'm glad that you found it you got to get rid of it uh and the world moves on and let's just not think about the fact that your uncle might have been jerking off to you fucking people on your on his truck i think that's the important lesson here i'm also sorry

for the confusion i'm sure he absolutely was doing that he was just trying to i'm sure your uncle was a great guy but yeah if he found that footage that's exactly what he's doing so you know uh okay this is a little longer one but here on to our next confession okay so for the record i only have told this story to one other person. Mmm, exciting. And it was Zach. Nice. We know he won't say anything.

It is impaired. He's like, but you have to go kill him right now. It is imperative that this stays anonymous. So let me take you back to 2016. I had just started dating the guy that is now my husband. I was living quite a wild lifestyle.

Lots of booze, cocaine, and wild sex. Ooh, yeah. My husband was on a very straight or on the very straight and narrow. He even made me wait until we got married to have sex. Whoa, that's a big difference.

Yeah. He wasn't always, but he was far removed from that lifestyle when we met. He is quite a bit older and I was in my mid twenties. Now for some clarity. It was a super, I was a super good girl. Most of my life. I got in a toxic relationship right out of high school that I was in for eight years. So when I finally broke away from that situation, I went completely wild.

Girls gone wild. Oh, yeah. Here's where the secret starts. My husband worked overnights and I worked first shift. Shaft, more like it. Fuck it. Oh, yeah! It was the last work day before our Christmas holiday, and some friends wanted to go out.

He gave his blessing, and off I went with my best friend, my best girlfriend. She asked him, he's like, you may go. There's like a little Hail Mary and like a priest thing. It was my best girlfriend, her old man, and my guy friend. We went to the bar and we were having an absolute blast. Shot after shot after shot. Then my guy friend says, hey, I got you a present in my car. Dick in a box.

It's a camera. It's a camera. Mini cameras. Look at all this footage Of us fucking on the truck We go to his car Where he pulls out An eight ball of coke I was stoked

I'm not sure how much we did Before going back in But we were fucking blitzed We finished up our night At the bar And my girlfriend And her old man leave. My buddy asked me if I want to do the rest

of the coke at where I'm staying, which is my husband's apartment. I'm like, hell yeah. Hell yeah, brother. Ma'am. We go back to the apartment and do the rest of the coke. Now, Brian, I know you don't know

how much an 8 8 ball of cocaine is But to rip through an 8 ball of cocaine In one night I love how you do coke I'm sorry, what? You know, like you drink beer You smoke weed And then you do coke

Yeah Well, you do meth, you do heroin Sure The harder it gets, the more you do math you do heroin sure the harder it gets the more you do yeah just it's just you doing it trying to get it done listen this is this is on my list of things to do and that's what i'm doing i'm like hell yeah i do so anyway do your mom that is a ton of cocaine for one night and then we just sit there talking for a while. Yeah, I'm sure the conversation is real great too. Oh my god. Do you remember when I used to...

Not a mom. Not a mom. Not a mom. Then out of nowhere, he kisses me. While we did not fully have sex, there were definitely some private parts in some mouths. Oopsies. Classic 8-ball.

He leaves. the next day. I'm supposed to be packing to fly to another state to see my mom. The only problem is my wallet with my ID, all my cash and my paycheck is nowhere to be found. I looked everywhere, called the bar, check my friend's car, nowhere.

This damn wallet just vanished into thin air. I had to get my job to issue me another check and get a temporary paper ID. I don't know if you've ever had to fly with a temporary ID. No, just the switchblade. But let me tell you, it's an absolute nightmare. Dude, I get it. They won't let me take that fucking switchblade anywhere. I make my flight, have a great holiday, and just chuck it up to a dumb, dumb drunk high bitch dropping her wallet downtown

fast forward about a year and a half later my husband and i are newlyweds getting ready to move out of the apartment into our first house together he's still working overnight so i'm trying to get as much stuff packed and ready to go so he doesn't have to do as much i'm packing up the closet i still feel guilty because i'm still high from sharing an eight ball in one night three years ago. I'm packing up the closet and under a bunch of random shit, I see a duffel bag that I've never seen in my life. I check the pockets and what do you think I found? My fucking wallet. Oh my god.

I still have no idea how it got there. I do. And that's sharing an eight ball of cocaine while you're sitting in a car. That's how it ended up there. I immediately shredded all the contacts or all the contents except the cash. That's cool though. Like it's like finding 20 bucks in your ski jacket. Or they all rolled up.

Twenties. She's like, where's all my cash? Oh, there it is. And she just pulls out like a straw of twenties. He's like, oh's all my cash? Oh, there it is. And she just pulls out like a straw of 20s. He's like, oh my God, how did this happen? I threw the wallet in the dumpster. She does a little bit of the coke that's left in there. She's like,

oh damn, what am I doing? This is crazy, man. I'm feeling way better now. I've only ever told one other person this story, and that was only a few months ago. Also, don't feel bad for my straight and narrow husband. Six months into our marriage, he lost his job and went on a six month meth bender

where I didn't know where he was for weeks at a time. We are both now clean and sober. He doesn't need to know my secret and I don't need to know what he was doing while he was out there strung out. Maybe I'm a terrible person. Maybe I'm just human

love you guys so much thanks for giving fucked up pieces of shit like me a place to feel less fucked up okay bye and then sexy honk i'm not doing it i love that i love that it's kind of like i did my thing he did his thing and we just won't talk about it. Just move on. Start fresh. I get you. That's a wild one. Sometimes you drive tractors, sometimes tractor drives you. Sometimes it drives you, brother. Never can tell. Just never know

what a tractor is. Big foot driving a tractor. Fucking big foot driving tractor. You know how it is. No, but that's wild. Yeah. Gosh dang, I'm glad you guys figured it out. I'm glad you guys figured it out.

I'm glad you guys are still together. Yeah. Made it happen. All right, last confession. Although you probably wouldn't be. Maybe you would be if you, I don't know. It depends on what he did on his. Hell, forgiving.

On his meth bender. All right. Hi, fellas. This is a long overdue, but it's hot time. Put the truth out there Boy, I gotta say hot time I'm a duck fucker Something you wouldn't see on a fucking dating profile

God, I had to get It feels so good to get that out there 5'10", blue eyes It feels so good to get this duck off my chest Off my dick It feels Such a this duck off my chest. Off my dick. It feels... Such a weight lifted off my dick. The stats, it's just like 5'10",

blue eyes. Fucks ducks. Yeah, whatever. 5'10", blue eyes, Democratic Adventurous, duck fucker. He's like, listen, I'm not gonna lie. Gloss right over it. Duck fucker he's like listen i'm not gonna i'm not gonna lie gloss right over it duck fucker i wish i was extraordinary what's something what people know about you i wish i never fucked the duck i feel like you're sticking you're just paying way too much attention to the

duck fucking just let me explain let's go to a pond first date. Pond. You're telling me you wouldn't fuck that duck? You're gonna sit here with a straight face, look me in the eyes? Have you walked in my shoes? Put these on. Go down to the pond. Tell me you wouldn't fuck that duck. Tell me you wouldn't do that. You must not be as lonely as

you said you were. If you come back to me and say you can do that, I'll be on my way. You get it. All right. Not currently and not in a long time and not with a real duck. Maybe I should just explain. There we go. So when I was a teenager, best guess would be 14.

I found this porcelain goose slash duck for the sake of the gaggle. I'll just say it was a goose. Appreciate it. It was good of the gaggle, I'll just say it was a goose. Appreciate it. It was good for the goose, bro. Shelf ornament that had a fairly sizable hole in the middle of the base. The piece of the figure itself was a goose with its head low to the ground. And it's rear up and near. Rear up and near.

We all know that. You know, they have to make it somehow. And there's always a little hole in the air. We all know that. They have to make it somehow. And there's always a little hole in the bottom. Sometimes there's a cork. That cork comes out. My mom, it wasn't the porcelain ones, but we had some stuffy ones. The stuff that people used to decorate their houses with

back in the 80s and shit. It was like a goose with a couple of goose kids. And it was just by the fireplace. It was like a goose with a couple of goose kids, and they were just by the fireplace. It was on the ground. Just... Like she was in a store. Just begging to get fucked. She was in a store, and she's like,

I need something to put by the fireplace. What I need is a bunch of gooses. Just line them up. Just gaggle a geese. Just hope my kids don't fuck them. I probably did. Classic 80s. You know, it was the 80s. Come on, we were fucking everything.

Summer of love. No, you missed. That was 20 years prior. Well, there's a movement that kept it going. I like to bring the, it's vintage. Alright, me being a horny sheltered team thought, that'll fit.

It did. I get it. And so I did what comes naturally. And when the deed was done, I snuck into the bathroom and cleaned it out as best as I could and returned it to the shelf in my room. As time went by, my guilt about not having talked to or even reached out to my beloved honk bottom and so i decided the time it's hot time to return to the goose to the free donation area i had originally gotten it from i feel like that sentence didn't make any sense did i read it wrong or yes it makes me want to avoid goodwill like fucking crazy.

Jesus. God. Dude, I'm looking at goodwill as a sex store now. Yeah. Can I fuck it? For $2.99? I bet it'll fit.

It's like a YouTube video. Will it fuck? Or will it fit? Yeah. Sinker float. Can I fuck it? He's walking to goodwill and before you're just

watching this video, like what the fuck's happening? And he gets coming on a rusty nine iron. Yep. You can fuck it. I was like, can I fuck it? He goes in there and like,

nope. He just comes on like an old, like fucking microwave goes. Yeah, you can. And you're like, what? You blink.

And then all of a sudden, outro music. It's just like, thanks for watching. Can you make sure you slap that What You blink And then all of a sudden Outro music It's just like Thanks for watching Can you Make sure you slap that Smash that like button Smash that like button

Come on that like button And ring that bell New videos every Sunday Which is when Goodwill has deals We're heading to the We're heading to Value Village Next week See what we can come up with

Right Gonna head into the porcelain Porcelain palace Going to the ski suit section That's where I got my ski suit I think I can fuck a pocket I'll see you next Sunday Alright, this has been the timid part of my tale

The next five or six years I was revisited by this goose In a sort of humorous Re-gift the silly goose style prank At Christmas When not I, but three of my four siblings and eventually a family friend received her as a present what is the same goose it's a white elephant thing but you fucked it the embarrassment i would have experienced it was never an issue as

i never told uh anyone that uh rather than my brother and my most amazing darling dearest mandy yes brian with a y good that mandy you remember the drip yeah i'm that guy i love the show and i look forward to the new episode every week brian never stopped being rich joe never stopped being a bitch and zach sweet sweet zach it's like I made you in a computer made you in a computer yeah I made you a computer I'll take it made you in a computer yeah that's what I said rock on

or more like paper on party hard and be responsible enough to look at the big picture and swallow your ego when you need to thanks for life lesson, duck fucker. Good advice.

Just be yourself. Yeah. It means a lot. Duck fucker means a lot coming from a duck fucker. At least I never fucked a porcelain duck. But like the, the idea of like a, like a white elephant

gift exchange where you're like, here you go, and you hand it over and you're like, sorry, I fucked it. I feel like... God, I feel like this would look great on your shelf if I hadn't already fucked it. But what are you going to do?

Merry Christmas here you go here's also some hand sanitizer right right here's some hand sanitizer Clorox wipe

in the plug that used to be in the bottom I've been holding on to it I just keep fucking it all right okay let's move off to

lap time Zach play it hey little chitrons why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap gather around boys and Zachy's lap? Gather around boys and girls, it's lap time with Uncle Zach Sit on my lap you little shits

Alright, oh fuck Sorry Shit What happened? What happened with what? I don't know, I heard a dunk Oh that was probably me Oh

Pushing buttons that I shouldn't push because I'm stupid Alright, what's going on? What's that I shouldn't push because I'm stupid. All right, what's going on? What's going on? Lap time? I got stupid questions for you guys. Yay! It's our 100th episode.

It is! And I want to know if you guys learned anything. No! Have you learned anything about each other? We could go one at a time. Brian, what have you learned about Joe? Uh, well. Tell me.

Is it about sizable things? Yeah, learned joe has a really big penis he's fighting that he's saying it's not well i learned things that we all learned together just looking at each other into each other's eyes yeah all right yeah joe did you learn anything these are these are riveting questions well no what's what's funny is when we first uh when we first started this thing uh joe and i like we knew each we sort of knew each other. We knew each other were funny. But I didn't realize how much we were alike and how goofy we both were. And how good our friendship could be. You guys have become pretty good friends.

It's been fun to watch. Yeah. I like it. I wasn't sure what to expect. Because we didn't really know each other. Yeah. Getting this thing fired up. We started off on the wrong foot a little bit, too. But, you know each other. Yeah. Getting this thing fired up. We started off on the wrong foot a little bit, too,

but it worked out good. Yeah, I mean, it was good. Joe's a very giving, sweet guy. He really is. Like, he's a nice guy. Yeah. That's what I think when I think of him. God, I'm so hard.

After his cock, that sucks. And you're very... Joe might be the most easygoing guy i've ever met or like go with the flow guy like there's been times when like when we were setting up the studio at the old house uh when um i don't we're trying to get everything set up and we were going to do the show we were going to court and nothing was working and if it was me trying to figure out what it was i would have been like putting holes in walls and i would have been screaming and yelling because of something not working and joe is just calm and i remember thinking like how is he so calm how is he doing and you just start punching holes in walls? Dude, I was like, if I would... Why is he... Like, how is he this fucking calm all the time? Yeah, he's a voice of reason a lot of times.

Yeah. Which is crazy. Crazy. Well, Joe, have you learned anything about Brian? No. So what's the next question? No, I have... Like, I have...

I mean, I've known it, but to watch it and know how important uh like just brian's kids are and his family is to him uh like no matter what we're doing if there's something that's going on with his family like he is not he's not pushing it. He doesn't like it's, it's immediately brought up because his family is first and is most important. Like we, it's not about like, um, he's not shaping what's going on in his family life around what we're doing. Uh, it's like, he's like, I, I can't fuck it. Like I can't fucking do it. And like, that's respect because he's coaching his kids and he cares about it and he's like, I can't fucking do it. And that's respect, because he's coaching his kids, and he cares about it, and he's involved,

and he knows that that stuff is way more important than recording a podcast about dicks in the outfit that I'm wearing. And you're sick of it. No, and I love it. I get it. I'm the same way but i also have faults in that way where like there's still like this this side where it's like no well i'm not doing this like this is it like this is my thing this is my schedule and like brian is just amazing

at making sure that his family is first over everything else you should send this that's really important yeah no i'm not okay yeah i mean if it helped him get laid more i would but i don't think it would well let's my next question is about kind of picturing things like a if the podcast was an album and we were a band of all the things that we focused on or that stuck what would be like the hit single the the the flagship song or the flagship. Oh man. Leather gloves, air balloon. Oh, like, like a,

like a topic for a song or, or songs that we play. What was our biggest hit as far as, Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah. Does that make sense? I think the,

the, the thing that comes to mind immediately, like for me personally is I get so many comments of people just like share, tagging me in something about somebody that shit them shit their pants or like there's like a there's someone just tagging the thing like there was a some chairs at a at an event somewhere and there's like little streaks and it's just like Brian lift your chairs behind like it's just like shitting shitting my pants is what I think people relate to with me the most. That's your hit.

It's like, at least for me, that's what it is. Oh, man. Well, now I have to, I got to play something because people have been setting this in. I think it's by the same guy that did, oh, man, the rubbing and tugging my nips. What was that guy called uh oh fuck how we just looked him up there it was uh obscure secure hits or vinyl yeah something vinyl oh man i wish i could find it like i think it is obscure vinyl i'll try and find it um yeah or if you want to but But if you type in shit my pants

That's so funny because that's a whole thing My balls my butthole That's the one we listen to Don't shit don't shit don't shit First date No what about Yeah what about shitting your pants I think I just shit my pants

Yeah give that one a ride I got another question for you Shit shit shit Killed all the folk or whatever. I think I just shit my pants. Yeah, give that one a ride. I got another question for you. I didn't answer. Shit, shit, shit. Killed all the folk. Turn it on. No, this isn't it. That's Bo Bo Bo Jangles.

It's just a sick song. Alright, well, how did I shit in your pants? Yeah, maybe that's it. Now it's time to take a shit on the company dime. Oops. Fuck, sorry. God damn it.

Sorry, guys. You guys are killing it. Sorry. Is this it? No. All right, well. God, I wish I could find it. Sorry, we were trying

to figure that out on the fly. Zach's vibe here. Sorry. We're good. Oh, here it is. All right, we're good. Ready I could find it. Sorry, we were trying to figure that out on the fly. We're killing Zach's vibe here. Sorry. We're good. Oh, here it is. All right, we're good. Ready?

I found it. I'd really like to get in your pants because I got shit in mine. That's right. I just can't stop ruining all of these pants. That's right. Prepare, prepare. Gives the horn a new meaning. I keep fucking shitting in my I'd really like to get in your pants Because I got shit in my I just can't stop ruining all of these bands I'm just shitting and shitting and shitting And I ain't ever quitting Trying to get in your pants turn the bass player looking out stand up bass eye contact keep fucking

keep fucking okay so yeah album thing my brain goes to songs so like I think of Parked Out by the Lake and Sex on Me all the AI tracks that we played and like so piecing together like an album my brain starts with those on me, all the AI tracks that we played.

Piecing together like an album, my brain starts with those existing, but god damn, there's so many that you could write a song about. It's weird that you went from a radio DJ to whatever the fuck this kind of radio DJ would be. It's all downhill from here. I think so. It's hard to go downhill from Nickelback.

The greatest hits, kind of like a Now CD, but it's all the songs that we've played on the show would be kind of funny. Or like maybe a Spotify list or something, and it's kind of like the soundtrack of the show. Right. Okay, next question. What was the most repeated or most popular thing that was sent in? Oh, man.

Like, recently, I can't even explain how off the hinges that petty beef about men versus women pain tolerance was. Like, it was hundreds of emails back and forth. And we didn't, you know, we couldn't just do that the whole time. But there was a lot of that um i guess the first one that pops in uh early on when we just uh like flippantly asked the question about experiences in fast food about fucking with like food um dude that that was hard a lot of people writing in that they they fucked food? That they have or have watched it happen in fast food.

As a frequent fast food fooder. You know it happens, but to hear people listening to the show that have first-hand experience means that the percentage of that shit is out of this world. Don't go to Goodwill. Don't go to get fast food. Don't go to Taco Bell, for sure.

Everything's getting fucked in, basically. Yeah, but those were huge responses. And there's been many, but those are the two that stick out right now. Okay. So what was—this is going to be a tough one. I have one that comes to mind, but there's been so many. But what was the hardest laugh on the show, do you think? Oh, man.

Mine was Baja. It just hit me out of nowhere there's not a bomb was real close and there's a couple others i mean joe's basically a stand-up comedian at this point both you guys well joe yeah they're my hardest laugh is just it's when we're talking about something and then joe will say a little scenario that wasn't planned. And I'm like on the ground laughing. I can't think of one right off the top of my head. But lately, it seems like in the last couple of months, there have been a few of them. I about busted eyeball when the Baja thing happened. I was back here having a hard time.

I was crying back there. That was so funny. Yeah, that was good. God, that was so good. Was it so unexpected? It's like I don't do impressions and then boom. I remember it like when it, I'm just looking at Brian, like thinking we're wrapping up the show. And he just goes, I can hold my breath.

And I was like, what is happening? That was at the end of the show, wasn't it? It just kind of came out of nowhere. And I just sat back and watched it. Just watched the magic. I was a Navy SEAL. You sure were. There's a ton of, there's some really funny stuff that has happened.

Go back to the beginning, the first few episodes. What was some of the funniest stuff from before I came? Dude, that was so long ago. I don't. The shitting my pants story was my first introduction to the show. Yeah, that was number one. A lot of people were reacting to that just because it was like, whoa. So I got a lot of comments about that.

And that's, like I said before, like that's been my i guess anything that i've ever done like that's the thing that people always come back to is that but the laughing thing it's it's it's something joe that oh you playing that we talked about the patreon you playing the uh the rv show where that that got so fucking funny in the rainstorm. I was laughing really hard during that. Yeah, I think about it a lot more in a different context now. Yeah, it's hard to, like, just, you know. I said no to some gigs recently just because of that, just so you know.

You could do them, just don't tell us about them. No, I know, right? Listen, you can do whatever you want. My dead mom will know, and that's enough to bring the shame. I love a good RV sale as much as the next guy. But God damn. I don't need music. Listen, I mean, if you double fist in your ass, that's cool.

Just don't tell us or else you're going to pay for it. That's just, you know, that's a lesson. That's life, baby. The funny stuff, yeah, recent stuff is really, like, recall that, like you guys said, but it goes back further, and it really does get funnier and funnier, but there's just no way, for me, in how

my brain works, I don't remember it. Like, you laugh and you have about a month or so that you grab onto it, and then it goes away. And it's just because you're talking and saying all this other shit that uh there's i i don't know i i don't have the capacity to hold on to that stuff right same um but i there was times that we were literally fucking like dying laughing and

there's so many of you remember the feeling but you don't remember what was said yeah i remember you going the first time you did the hey me and then you went and you were just letting you go doing that and i was rolling on the ground while you're doing it so like that was pretty funny for me yeah that's been a mainstay in my brain but there were some like in the old studio right we were we were fucking done we were dead like we couldn't even fucking talk anymore uh but i have no i remember the feeling i remember what you looked like i remember watching and feeling that but i don't remember what the context was all right zach what else i got two more okay okay all right was there anything from lap time that you remember what's anything that sticks out from my bullshit that i spewed

into your ear balls commies bad next commies Okay. No, but like the, talking about the, like the, oh man, I'm going to forget the fucking name. Monkey Sphere? No, Monkey Sphere was big. Okay. Like that was there.

That was great. Talking about the, it wasn't, not the false, not false prophecies. It was, logical fallacies. Fallacies. It was fallaciesical fallacies? Fallacies.

It was fallacies. Obviously, recently talking about the... Debunk myths. Yep. Debunk myths. The cow theory. Like, it was so funny to just sit back and watch you draw all these different governments and then relating them to owning cows.

Like, something I never would have thought of. And I just sat back and listened and it was so funny and interesting. Um, but I mean, there's always something like there really is. And, uh, like we've talked off,

you know, off camera, we were like, I just, you know, when there's the bubble, it's not interaction. Like I feel like I need more for you guys.

It's like, sometimes I can shut the fuck up, just shut the fuck and and watch zach work well i have a i have a whole network so you know this i like to shut the fuck up here you guys yeah don't need my energy yeah it's definitely it's it's nice every once in a while just to hear what's going on rattling around in your brain you wouldn't have your own segment if you didn't want to hear what's going on wow yeah all right i got last question last question uh What do you hope to see in the next 100 episodes of Can You Don't? Where would you like to see this go? More hot air balloons.

More hot air balloons. Are we talking Can You Don't movie? What would the movie be about? Oh, my God. Next 100 episodes, I hope to just keep growing. I think that we are learning and the uh, like the comedy is evolving. Obviously, like you're listening,

it's escapism. Um, it's no secret that the bread and butter is just the fucking dick humor. Uh, but that, that's always been, that's just, you know,

that's my personality. I don't know why. That's all our personality. I wish it wasn't, it wasn't, I wasn't good at it, but God, it's just that I fucking am.

That is where I wish, I don't know, I wish I was smarter. You're bread and butter. And there's things that I'm able to expand on, but whenever it fucking turns into dicks, like just here. Hi. Let the goat shine. Tom Brady is here, dude. And you're like, I don't know, man.

It reminds me of Dix. I'm like, God, I'm glad you said it. You see all these rings? So I wish it wasn't like that. And I feel like we've gotten better. And there has been feedback in the past that has landed and has been received. And also is a nice reminder. It's like, dude, I feel like the last three episodes just been nothing but dicks.

And I'm like, I hope you came. Thanks for coming. But you're not wrong. And it's like every feedback is like, you don't know what you're talking about. Like you read it and you're like, if there's a point, there's a point. And you're right. You're right. And I will always, I really do try to do my best being like now you don't this is our show

you don't know what you're talking about but they say something and it it lands and you really look at your your body of work and you're like you're right it has done this and i don't want to have it be this and you adjust so oh right fuck fuck fuck all of you fucking talking dick yeah wearing hat over here enjoying my content i don't care you came to me man i didn't come to you no but i feel like i feel like uh we have all gotten better at um expanding and finding creative ways to make humor out of things that aren't just dicks and tits and pussy oh yeah because, because our brains, whenever a situation we're in, we could be at a funeral and we're laughing. Yeah. So like, put something out. As long as

there's dicks. Yeah. You get it. Well, even dead people still have dick. But you know what I mean. Like, we have a heyday on that stuff. But I feel like we've gotten better. Oh yeah, dick farm? Dude, don't tell me. Two for one? Farming dicks.

But I feel like we have getting better, or we have gotten better at the comedy overall at the show being just a little bit above just that bro shit. Are you telling me that there's going to be less dicks in the next hundred? Because I'm not signed up for that. I'm excited for us all to get better at what we love doing, and that's making people laugh. More intellectual dick jokes. I want to do this in front of an audience. No, I didn't say that. us all to get better at um at what we love doing and that's making people laugh more intellectual jokes okay i want to do this in front of no i didn't say that if you say like what do you really want where this to go i would love to do this in front of an audience where there are people asking questions and there's that live feel to it where you say something and you can get

you see their penises moving while you're talking but that there's just nothing better than like a pulsating energy making a group of people laugh it's it's really is the greatest like something you say and they're like you just hear this wave of laughter and then i don't know there's just like that's that feeling is so fucking great and I would love to be able to do this in front of an audience at some point, whether it's one-off things or I don't know, but. Yeah, let's do it. Yeah. I like that.

We just got to make sure we can get enough people to a spot and pick a spot. Right. And do it. Pick a spot. That's all the questions I have. All right. So we're on to the next thing. I think that's probably good for the show.

Right? Well, fuck me, right? We can't. Well, we can. I mean. We got one last thing. I mean, that was pretty good, right? I mean, it's a warm up.

I know that, you know, speaking of family being first, like, you know, we're trying to control this but she got places to be i have to pick up my kids in 40 minutes shit well what do you want to like what do you want to fit in what a bummer being like we're gonna do all the things and then we're like anyway we showed up we showed up i made sure we got here early like this is the usually how like where the bonus shit would end. Yeah, this is a two and a half hour show. Which, if I didn't have to be somewhere, I would be like, let's keep fucking going. I hear you.

I hear you. But I can't leave my six year old kid with his kindergarten teacher. Nah, you could. I could. Yep, sounds like a you problem. Wouldn't be fair to... Well, should we jump ahead, just wrap it up? Yeah.

Just so your son doesn't... Pull both of them, not just one. Nah, I only care about one. I got you. All right, let's move on to rap about it. A rap... Let's rap about it. Hey, what's up, motherfuckers?

Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Have you heard the story about Joe and Brian? Who a couple of... Not very good, but sure, they're trying. A couple of cowboys? Something. You have to finish it. I had nothing.

I was hoping you had something. They're sure trying. A couple of brokeback boys just living high on a mountain. Trying and buying. Dildos. Sorry. We should make our own dildos. We got to make our own plaster of our penises.

And so they get the spectrum. They get a, you know, different size. Shipping costs are going to be different. All right. Wait, yours has to be flaccid. Yours is flaccid and mine's hard. Mine shows up as like a... Oh, what was that called?

Like those easy bake ovens? You have to... It comes in liquid form and you have to make your own Joe Dildo? Oh, we could make... No, we could do it, but then they're like popsicles. They're shaped like popsicles, or, you know, they're meant to be filled with popsicle juice. I don't know, whatever the fuck you make popsicles out of.

Anyway. Anyway, so, fuck me, right? Alright, so we have two things. We have a joke and a fact, and then we're going to move on. But the joke I have for you this week, my four-year-old son has been taking Spanish lessons for a year, and he can't say the word please. Don't get me wrong.

I'm proud of him. But I believe that's poor for four. Por favor. That's poor for four. Poor for four four That's pretty funny And here's a fact One of the earliest known vacuum cleaners God I wish we could talk about this Was so large

That it had to be hauled from house to house Via horse drawn carrots It's giant hoses were popped through the windows of customers, and a gas-powered motor generated the suction that pulled the dirt and debris into a glass container where onlookers

could gawk at the volume of film coming from their neighbor's homes. Oh my god, look at the Johnsons. Jesus Christ. Look at all that rat shit. I love that. It's like we brought it on the street

and we need some people to pay. You think a leaf blower is loud? Yeah. A horse drone. The horses are just like fucking. God. God damn, this is noisy. God damn it.

Do the Smiths have to vacuum their house every Sunday? And they just fucking... And just fucking... This hose. Ma'am, I'm here. I know. One second. I heard you coming. I heard you coming from down the street

miles away i heard you over at the the anderson's yeah i know in the house she's fucking it's just like sucking up pictures it's cartoonish it's like all the stuff's being sucked into it just your your rug, your desk. Grandma in a wheelchair. Yeah. Just boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And then all the neighbors are watching. Everything gets sucked into a big glass tube. Like, God, their house is filthy.

Looking at your kids crying. God, that's... Man, is this the way to get the kids out of here? I will pay hand over fist. And I want a newspaper. Extra. Extra. Extra.

Read all about it. Read all about it. Who needs a house cleaner over here? Vacuum cleaner sucks your kids out. And no one's in trouble. Extra. The kid-o-vac. Yeah.

Kid be gone. Kid be gone. Okay. Love you guys. I hope you guys enjoyed 100th episode We had a lot of fun We're gonna move off Of the bonus shit

And if you wanna hear it Go subscribe on Patreon Sound good? Yeah and thanks to The babysitters And all that And Zach All the stuff

Zach's Who? The scat cast Oh scatcast.com Scat universe That's right Scatverse coffee baby Get some coffee on scatcast.com

Get them cards cards cards And that coffee and that coffee, coffee, coffee. I feel like a hundred, you're like, what do you expect? What do you want in the next hundred episodes? When that comes, like you're going to be selling cars. You're going to have like a fucking home decor company. Why not? A home vacuum company. Really loud.

Which just sucks all the cards from Scatcast out of your house. Recycles and makes new cards. All right, off to the bonus shit. You guys ready? We love you. All right, bye. Bye. Bye.