Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Mummy. Fry Sauce. Slide. Stinky Penguin.

Episode Date: June 1, 2022

Have you ever had the pleasure of accidentally swinging open a bathroom door while poop is pouring all over the floor? Let's talk about that, a giant waste of money finding out what a 3,000 year old mummy sounds like, using the emergency escape slide on a plane, fighting over Netflix, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** PLEASE RATE AND REVIEW US ON WHATEVER PODCAST PLATFORM ALLOWS YOU TO! IT HELPS MORE THAN YOU KNOW ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/YOJN9k2OMX8Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comFB: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenHugs and tugs :)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Mummy, fry sauce, slide, stinky penguin. Holy shit! I'm so excited. Episode 1 of Can You Don't? I'm Joe Paisley. And I'm Brian Albrand. With a Y. Yes, Brian with a Y.

Brian with a Y. I have to say that all the time. It's very important. Do you know, have you ever asked your parents why they did that to you? Well, actually, my sister is Jamie and she has a Y in her name. They just like the Y thing. Okay. And you still have a relationship with your parents? There's no like yeah you still talk to them after they did that i have two kids

and they both have a y in their name too so i i handed it down what is happening in this family um my brain just went to if you had to hard pronounce that y brian brian with the yeah what's your name brian yeah i will every time I go to a restaurant and they're like, you know, what's your name for the order? They start writing it down and I look over and I see the eye and I'm like, Oh my God. So anyway,

we're going to figure out what the show is all about. And we're going to lay it out here in a second. But can you don't is a weekly comedic podcast where you and I will dive into the depths of the internet. We'll find the best examples, the worst examples of humanity, and then bring them back to the show. But of course, we're not above any of that stuff. No.

We are dipshits. Yeah. So we'll make fun of ourselves along the way. So hoping that the examples that we find online, along with the examples of us and what our listeners send in as a collective, we'll try not to repeat the same dumb shit and maybe be better people. I feel like it's going to be a lot about us. We have a lot of dirty laundry that's that's right that's what we're gonna do um and as we go through today's episode we'll be sure to stop and we'll explain what each segment consists of uh we're not going to do that forever but for the first few episodes you will just so

you're not lost so you know what's going on i have no idea what we're doing you so i'd love for you to explain what's going on great and if no idea what we're doing. So I'd love for you to explain what's going on. Great. And if you have something that you want to see on the show, you can send that in. We want this to be a big part. We want what you have to say to be a big part of Can You Don't. So send that to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. So we're going to start off.

Just do a little quick introduction of who we are. Okay. In case you don't know who I am, you don't know who you are so what the fuck you want to start who are you uh besides having a why in your name my name is brian with a why brian with a why i feel like you're just gonna have to call me that from now on anytime you see me in public brian how are you brian he has a speech impediment it's okay though uh yeah it's the only word i say i've already done this three times what i'm new to podcasting i keep going oh and you warned me you you said do not do the mouth pop and here i am going okay well every time they hear it they'll know that you're working on it yeah that's all i mean what else could they ask constantly i tell my wife i'm

constantly working on myself she's perfect but i'm always working on myself. That is the correct thing to say. Speaking of my wife, I'm a father of two, husband of one. She's way more attractive than I am. Yeah, I'll punish your coverage. I deal with that too. It's all the time. They're like, hey, how did you get her? I don't know. I'm like, well.

I guess you showed up. I love how, you know, I'm a regular looking guy. But if you're with an attractive woman they're like it's the immediate like how did you score that like maybe she's dumb he must be funny yeah it's always that you must have a really good personality and a bunch of money or funny yeah that's it yeah and i have both of those things so i'm rich in you know money and laughter laughter yeah i pretty much have an audience following me all the time, so I'm working on my zingers all the time. Turn a point to the cam.

She gets a little tired of that. She's like, we're just trying to have sex, and I'm looking up to the camera like, you guys seeing this? You see what I just tried? Two kids, Miles and Perry, they're six and four. So I've got the young kids, so I'm busy. It's hard for me to get on the ground and get off the ground again. Yeah. So, oh, that's my phone.

Oh, go ahead. ESPN updates. Let me turn that off. Mariners are probably losing. This is the first episode. This is the inaugural voyage. Yeah. The maiden voyage.

Yeah. Yeah. And I'm self-employed. I make videos on the internet for a living. So that happened. I've been making videos my whole life, or pretty much the last 10 years, YouTube. And then I got laid off from my job, made a video about coronavirus. Right when that happened, it went viral.

And I've been home masturbating and making videos ever since. Cha-ching, cha-ching. You have a lot of time to masturbate when you work from home. Yeah, coronavirus. ever since yeah you have a lot of time to masturbate when you work from home yeah coronavirus let us uh all see if we could break our own records for for coming in one 24-hour period my wife will go to the gym she'll take the kids to school and go to the gym and i'm like all right here we go right let's see how many times we can get this no for the record no promises for later but i've got now you know the best jerk though is when they leave for like you know they're gonna

be gone for a few hours yeah and you're just like you can get naked get your toesies out yeah you get you put like a dvd in or something oh what and just and pull the curtains open so everyone can see in just put on a show for the neighbors i shouldn't be doing an olin fans it's like only neighbors is right now what actually what it is okay good good good um anyway and you have a big following i know that you're not going to say it but you have like almost a million people yeah follow you and your silly jokes yeah on the interweb so yeah there's a lot of parenting stuff marriage just general comedy so yeah and then you uh you called me up one day and you're like hey i have this idea and we barely knew each other and i said obviously i'm gonna do this yeah why wouldn't i take a huge risk exactly yeah

so yeah we uh here we are and i'm excited to be here with you good man i'm excited to do this. Yeah. Why wouldn't I take a huge risk? Exactly. Yeah. So yeah, we, uh, here we are and I'm excited to be here with you. Good man. I'm excited to do this too. Uh, and for your listeners that have no idea who I am, I, I worked in radio for a decade. I met up with comedian Dan Cummins who does some funny, funny shit. And I still work for bad magic production. So it's for time suck podcast, which is like a true crime, deep dive into history and different events. I mean, they're huge, like three-hour podcast.

And then we have a horror podcast. And then we had a comedy podcast together called Is We Dumb? He ran out of time. The show was killing it. It just wasn't enough compared to the size of the rest of the shows. It was new. It was the smallest of the three. So there it was new it was the the smallest of the three so it's just not not time to keep doing it uh and so i'm breaking away and doing something so if you're a fan of

is we dumb you're gonna love can you don't it's in the same vein we're doing a lot of the same shit it's real veiny we're pretty easy sorry you're looking through my windows again yeah well damn it logan had a drawing of a dick on his desk out there earlier, so I've got dicks on my mind. That's all I can think about. It was just, he had veins and it was running through it. And I will say something real quick about Logan out there. Hey, Logan.

Hey, guys. He's an artist. So when he does a funny dick drawing, it's a graphic tee. Oh, yeah. I put my heart into it, guys. It's shaded. It's almost 3D almost cross hatching if you if you put 3d glasses on like it'll poke you uh and that's just what we have to deal with around the office and that's fine i think we should frame it okay fine fine

like like uh when those restaurants make their first dollar yeah and they put it we'll put a dollar and a dick all we have is just like dick drawings and it just covers our logo here on the background. I love it. Yeah. So that's pretty much it. That's the, oh yeah, I have kids too. And I have a wife. You do?

Yeah. So I've got two kids. I've got Pepper and Ezra. Pepper is 11. Ezra is eight. My wife is older than both of them. That's good. But they're all gigantic children and I am soon to be the shortest in my family.

Yeah. I walked in here and I thought you were one of the kids. I was talking to Ezra. I'm like, oh, so we're doing this podcast together? Oh, damn. Damn, that's a stocky-ass kid. Right, right. He's got a beard.

Look at this guy. He's handsome, but should I be okay with that? I'm kind of into this dude. Should this guy be around these kids? So that's pretty much it. That's us, and we're excited. And again, just reminding you as we move through today's episodes we'll take just a quick stop and explain what each segment is we're not

going to do that the entire time because no one and no one asked for that no one wants that uh so brian with the wire are you ready i'm i love it i'm ready all right brian logan go ahead buddy hey shut up start the show already i'm not sure if i have to explain shut up shut up and start the show already though no i feel like that's self-explanatory that's yeah get the fuck moving so uh we're gonna start every show which is something that'll get us warmed up this could be a would you rather it could be a fuck mary kill it could be just some interesting question that somebody has sent in they want to know about us uh or more about a particular story that we happen to mention and that's what we'll do for that hey shut up start the show already that's pretty good and today thank you and today we're starting with the would

you rather okay uh today's would you rather is would you rather be uncontrollably frightened every time anyone talks to you right or you have to act out every emotion through interpretive dance oh wow every emotion oh i immediately just thought of like a funeral okay where everyone's standing around all somber and you're walking up to someone and you're doing the dance you're like i'm so i feel sorry for your loss but you're like doing and everyone's kind of standing yeah you're doing like the doves flying around or something doing like a sprouting rose you're like but there's always tomorrow right you someone goes into the ground and a rose blooms right i picture yeah again like all that in every situation when

you're trying to be quiet like in the movies in the movie is i mean because again emotion is happy and laughing right so you're watching a comedy and something funny happens you got to stand up and do like some like whatever whatever this means you know do something that like okay he's happy i can tell you're i picture it's almost a mime in a sense like you're painting a picture by not saying anything uh That's funny. Somebody tells you a secret and you're like, ooh. They tell you the secret and you're like, ooh. I'm out of my egg. You do a weird dance.

And when I first thought about it, I was thinking it was something that you're saying. Like while you're talking, you have to be doing the movement. But you're right. It's just an emotion that you're having. So you could sit there, be thinking it in your brain and you're acting it out. So if you're at home just watching a show on tv or something you're someone's looking through the window and you're doing all this shit right or playing off uh the update you just got on your phone yeah like you read it and the mariner's lost and you're like yeah i have to

be all pissed but still doing a dance weird snake shit being in a fight with your wife yeah oh my god you just make me so angry like doing like just pop it popping and locking the whole time and lock it do like a quick spin you're like mad she's already so pissed at you and now she's even more pissed because you have to do this you know i can't help it it's like a it's like someone has a tick right you don't make fun of them for having that tick but this would essentially right and then you were like like michael j fox oh yeah you can't make fun of michael j fox now well i mean you can but so imagine if you're the only person in the world who has this right eventually it's going to catch on and it's going to be a thing you can't make fun of right sure so you're just gonna see you walking down the street and you're like hey brian you make me so happy or you're turning your wife on oh in the bedroom get the fuck out of here

your orgasm dance you're like oh i'm about to i got a dolphin wave move and she's like okay just do it god damn it because if you keep doing that i'm never gonna come right quit doing dolphin moves and that's the, okay, just do it. God damn it. Because if you keep doing that, I'm never going to come. Quit doing dolphin moves. And that's the thing. She's just, she's staring at you while you're doing this. And like, she's just getting turned off the entire time. That's it. You're just like.

That's hard to be in a relationship. Or, okay. So go to the other side of this. Being uncontrollably frightened every time someone talks to you. Because I mean, every single time. Okay. Because we're in the bedroom right now. So we're going to go back to the bedroom.

Your wife rolls over. She just goes, you sleep oh god holy shit sorry sorry well what and what's bad is some people pee themselves they poop themselves when you get like if you're scared so imagine you're in a situation where maybe you're in the bed or or where or maybe you're back at the funeral and you're you're paying your respects to the person looking and then someone comes up and says like i'm so sorry i'm so sorry and you just shit yourself oh fuck and then you're standing there and it just smells like shit and now you have to you're greeting everyone while you have a load in your pants drive through getting food the person comes over the window it'll be eight jesus christ and then sorry sorry it's just right it's just a thing i have yeah i'm not gonna do it again till the next time i see you and that's the thing like you have to explain it to yourself

every time like are you okay yeah and then if you weren't prepared for that question you get excited again i think it's basically the first point in any interaction you're you're okay you're terrified which is i mean it's funny you're trying to order food someone says hi to you oh my god someone just going down the street uh because we're pretty friendly here in idaho uh spokane's a little more nasty but yeah but in idaho everyone's like how's it going? Hey, what's up? And everyone says hi to each other as you're walking around.

So how funny would that be? You're just walking down the street. Guy's like, good day. What? Oh, God. It's an old man. You give him a heart attack. He just dies on the street right there.

And then you scare him. He's like, Jesus Christ. Okay, I'm sorry. Yeah, I'm having a good day. I just picture like you do that. The guy that said hi to you has a heart attack and dies. Someone comes running out of the house. Are good day. Oh, oh, I just picture like you do that The guy that said hide you has a heart attack and dies someone comes running out of the house Another ambulance pulls up You can work at a like a Halloween attraction. Yeah. Yeah, You'd be the funnest person to go through a Halloween attraction.

For one month out of the year, you're a celebrity. Everyone appreciates what you're doing. Every little theme park or haunted house, they'd be like, get Brian with a Y to come over here. Because he's going to scream. It's going to be a great fucking promo. Imagine someone that's working the register at a grocery store. Every time someone walks up and puts their groceries they're like, hey, how you doing? Oh, God!

And then you have to back up their groceries and then you move on, you pay for your thing you turn like, hey, oh, Jesus! Imagine the other people in the store watching this happen. Sorry, excuse me. God, God! Jesus Christ! Do you know where the banana is? Jesus Christ! The banana is in aisle three!

Bananas are aisle three. I'm sorry. The guy's stock, he's like putting stuff up on the thing. Excuse me, sir. Have you the milk? Oh, fuck! Dude, it would be so good! So that or having to dance every emotion through interpretive dance?

That's tough because now I'm picturing like someone who's at church or something. Don't they do the thing where you're like, you greet a different person? Oh, peace be with you. Yeah. So you're like, reach around, you turn. Oh, Jesus Christ. Peace be with you. Look over the next person.

Hello, peace. Oh, fuck. And you're just turning around in a circle. And you're like, oh. Shit yourself in the church. Then you got to sit down at the pew. And you're like, everyone's like, pee you. Pee you. Because you shit yourself. the church then you got to sit down at the pew and you're like everyone's like p.u because you shit yourself oh my god never thought about that the lord works in mysterious

ways speed dating i mean all of it is so funny every time someone sits down hey good to meet you just fucking abrupt uh okay so that's funny interpretive dance i think i think i'm gonna go with it i mean they're gonna think i'm weird actually no fuck it i'm getting scared i'm getting scared the first thing that anyone says to me because like every emotion it's gonna ruin your sex life your kids you're trying to get mad at your kids like they're just laughing at you they can't take you serious yeah they're like i'm so sorry i'm so sorry i snuck out're like, you had me right here. I'm up to here with you.

I was about to blow my top. Gonna blow my top. You had me up to oh, oh, oh. You're doing the whole leg kick, the stutter step. Quick little spin. That's tough because I. It's gonna tough because i it's gonna be me it's gonna be me um i don't know which one i want to do because i kind of like that i mean it's kind of like tourette's a little bit like you've seen someone tourette's and it's i know so they're not going to make fun of you but you are going to scare people i just think that's a funny more funny

spectacle it's definitely funny. I can't get through the interpretive dance life. Yeah, I mean, I'm not... I pick up some sweet moves, but outside that... You know what? Just to be different, I think I'm going to go with the interpretive dance, just to mix it up a little bit. Because imagine us greeting each other.

Right. Where you're like, hey. She's so funny. I'm like, it's going to be okay, dude. it's gonna be okay dude what you scared me you scared me oh girl you scared me laying down doing some kind of weird shimmy on the ground and yeah so i would love that interaction that's what i want so so that's where we're going that's where we're going with it we'll play opposites just to see how it goes yeah in the future okay fine you and me are gonna go out and we're gonna try that all right uh we're going with it. We'll play opposites just to see how it goes in the future. Okay, fine. You and me are going to go out and we're going to try that.

All right. And we'll film it. Yeah, we'll film it. That's a great idea. What could go wrong? Nothing. Nothing. All right.

Well, we'll see how that goes. Okay, well, that was fun. We're going to move on now to a segment that we call, what are you thinking about? Okay. You ready to do it? Yeah, I'm ready to do it. Yell at Logan. Say Logan.

Logan, roll the fucking thing. Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? ready to do it. Y'all, Logan. Say Logan. Logan, roll the fucking thing! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about?

Huh. I'm thinking about... Oh, Jesus! Oh, God! Hey, Joe, it's okay! Uh, what are you thinking about? Well, I was actually thinking... First, I'm thinking about how that's me and your wife

In that recording that we recorded that live The segment sound, oh, live In bed Okay While you were away I'm fine with that as long as I got to watch Did I cum? I did

Logan came You're asking me? I don't know Well then I was like, do you feel it on your back? Right? You thought you were sweaty? No Oh, gosh Just running down my back Okay,? You thought you were sweaty? No.

It's just running down my back. What are you thinking about? It's going to be a segment where it's exactly what it sounds like. We're just going to talk about whatever we're thinking about. This is going to be something dumb that we have done. Something else we saw out in public. Something somebody sent into us.

Then we want to talk about it here. From the past, from the future, just whatever it is. It's going then we want to talk about it here from the past from the future just whatever it is it's going to be okay to talk about it and what are you thinking about and you um and you have one okay yeah there i did it again god damn it's really it's funny because now i can hear myself doing it so when i do it i'm like oh my god that's loud it must be really loud for everyone else it's like jesus christ like are you clicking a pen are you clicking a pen the entire time clicking a pen into the microphone? The entire time is clicking.

I have one of those ticks, you know? Oh, okay. So, okay, yeah. I'm thinking about how I just... Jesus Christ! I'm going to learn. So I just got a notification on... Did you start talking like this?

God damn it! I was making fun of it, and I did it again anyway. You should start talking like this when your mouth is open. My tongue is never going to touch my lip. So I got a notification on Facebook from a year ago of an embarrassing moment, and it got me thinking, what would you be willing to do for something that you really want? What are you willing to go through for someone you love or that you just want really bad?

Well, there's a certain something that I think being a man I would walk backwards through flaming buffalo shit for some of that stuff. Flaming buffalo shit? Okay. Backwards.

Do you like i did it again do you like arctic circle what i haven't been to an arctic circle in oh my god that's not what i asked you do you like i don't remember if i like arctic bacon bounty cheeseburger well sure but we also have that over here so i think i've been one time when i used to live in spokane maybe you're not going to appreciate that well i'm okay. I'm sure I will. Substitute Arctic Circle for any food, any restaurant that you just have a yearning for. Like an awesome burger joint. Something you just want really bad. Okay.

Pussy. Sorry. Go ahead. Pussy burger. Okay. So I had a friend's weekend, and we were leaving, heading back home. And we were down in Hood River area, Oregon. So people that aren't familiar with this area,

Washington, Oregon, Hood River's in Oregon. And then we drove through Yakima, which is in South Washington. And I live in Spokane. So we have a five-hour drive. And I had a craving for a burger and someone said something about Arctic Circle. And I was like, oh, they don't have those anymore.

So we did a search and there was one in yakima and had the thing yeah okay well we're going i don't care how far because it's sort of on the way but it's out of the way so i don't care we're going to that because i have to have a bacon bounty cheeseburger it's like 45 minutes out of the way isn't it probably yeah but we're talking we're talking bacon bounty cheeseburger with fries the best fry sauce you've ever had in your life. You got it, Brian. They invented the fry sauce, right? What?

They were the first, weren't they? Oh, fuck off. Come on. Get the fuck out of here. You can't make claims like that. Well, I'll look it up later, but I'm pretty sure that's the first time I ever had it. All right. And that makes sense because fry sauce is delicious.

And unfortunately, a lot of the country has no idea what that tastes like. No. And that's sad. They sell it in stores in places that don't know what it is yeah i literally knew nothing about fry sauce until i came and you're from indiana and i'm from indiana okay well there you go great and no yeah it's so it's fucking awesome yeah gosh dang it okay so see now see now we're getting somewhere he's a dick in arctic circle they're they're they're they're Arctic Circle's fry sauce is like top notch. Okay.

Okay. So we go, we're heading, we get into Yakima and it's like, we have to go through, we don't know where we're going. I'm not very familiar with Yakima. So we're driving through and I'm all excited because we're getting there. I see it on the map. I'm like, oh man, we're within five, 10 minutes of this place. And I'm excited.

And we've been drinking all weekend, eating bad food and stuff. So we're cruising down the road, minding my own business, just sitting there normal. And I just kind of roll over to rip a fart, as you do. You lift one leg up a little bit. Little cheek. And I'm thinking, oh, I'm just going to knock out a fart real quick. So I push out, because I want to impress the guys that are in the car with me. I'm like, if I'm going to do this,

I'm going to make it remember. If I'm going to fart. I want that one to get people going to be like, whoa. Whoa. Yeah. Who's passing me? Yeah.

Like that kind of rumble? Exactly. The motorcycle's flying by. No, it's just my ass. Was that a Harley? No, Brian farted. It's a Harley. Brian with a Y farted.

You're all going to remember this shit. Okay? Well. Well, and they, turns out they did exactly so i i lift the leg up to rip one and i push because i want to be memorable and i mean i squirted out oh geez i don't know how many ounces of just like wet shit wet hot shit into my into my underwear into my shorts and so i'm riding in a b it's like a

nice bmw and i'm like i i so i do that i'm thinking oh my god this guy like i just shit in his car right so i'm gonna i'm doing the little thing like he doesn't know this happened yet i'm looking to see if it's on the seat or anything was there was there any sound no it, it was more like, no, it wasn't Because no one knew what happened And I was, until I went, uh-oh So it wasn't even like a mud bubble No It was just like a poop It was a poop

Well, but it was like a squirt You know the ones when it's an actual squirt? I'm aware Yeah I'm aware I seen it But no one knew what I did Been there

Been there, done that It wasn't until I was like, oh God And they're both like, hey, you okay? Because I have, like, anxiety, too. So they're thinking, like, what's going on with him? Brian, why are you so quiet? Yeah. I'm always quiet.

I'm always going, what's going on here? No, he goes, Brian, you're so quiet. Ah! Oh, fuck! I just shit myself. Dancing. I just, oh, oh, oh. Doing, like, weird water motions out of your butt

what do you wait three words first word first word poop shit okay so i squirt this out of my ass so i'm sitting in the seat and it's like i if i sit in it it's gonna squeeze and it's gonna ooze out onto the seat and everything it's like sitting on a capri sun exactly it's just gonna squirt out from the the front the sides, the back, all that, up my back. You remember like diapers. You remember having babies, right? Where they shit up their diaper and it goes up their back? Yeah.

It's like someone fire hose up their spine. Yeah. Like, oh my God, how did you get shit on your forehead? Yeah. And it's in their hair and everything. So anyway, here I am in a BMW shitting my hair. Here I am like a six month old baby. my god how did you get shit on your forehead yeah and it's in their hair and everything um so so anyway here i am in a bmw shit in my hair exactly here i am like a six month old baby um so six months are they still shitting themselves like that they have to be okay so they do it forever

um yeah if you're still shitting your pants now you can get the fuck out okay so we uh where where was i okay so i'm i'm sitting up on one cheek like this right i'm so for the people i can't see i'm leaned up on my left cheek and we're driving down the road and i'm like okay i just gotta tell him like i just you know i just shit myself and they're both like what i'm like i just shit myself and the guy driving zach you know zach he no that's not what he was thinking he's thinking i just got this brand new car brand new bmw he's been waiting he wanted this car so bad he's like i'm gonna need a new friend yeah exactly yeah i'm trading you in for the newest

model right so i'm lean so i'm explaining what happened here and now we have to decide well what are we gonna do like where do we go from here? So we're like, I was like, well, we're getting fucking Arctic Circle. We'll just go and I'll go inside and change or whatever. So we pull up there and we pull into the thing and we go by the, you know, we're sitting in line. And it's a long line because it's Arctic Circle. It's the only one in the Western Hemisphere, apparently. So we're sitting. So, I mean, we were in line for it's a long line because it's Arctic Circle. It's the only one in the Western Hemisphere, apparently. So we're sitting.

So, I mean, we were in line for probably 20, 25 minutes and I'm just sitting up like this, just holding the shit in my ass. Just draining yourself? Yeah. And it's the, so inside is closed because COVID's going on. So there's no dining. You can't go in there. Yeah. So I was like, well, we're going to have to get our food and then go find somewhere to get cleaned up. So we're just sitting in the line.

And then we pull up. It's finally our turn after 25 minutes. And we pull up there and we're taking the orders. Like, I'll have the bacon bounty cheese and all that. And the chick's sitting looking through the window. And I'm sitting. I'm sitting. I just unplugged myself.

Oh, can you hear? You got it? Okay, one second. Brian's going to's gonna oh there he goes one second you're all your all your ass demonstrations okay yeah i leaned over and i unplugged my headset okay go ahead okay so um so anyway let's let's let's plow forward a little bit so i we get the food and um i can't i have to like i still have to get cleaned up so we have all the food we're sitting around so we pull out the parking lot we're driving down the road we're looking for like a gas station or something that's or a hose i can go in to do yeah exactly like at this time it was like i don't care what it is anybody who's watering their lawn you just pull up in someone's

front yard sorry just take a second yeah it was may so people were mowing their or uh watering their lawns. Yeah, that would have worked. I wish I would have thought of that at the time. You wish I was in the car. It would have been better what's about to happen. Okay. So we're driving down the road, and even though I do have shit cratered in my underwear, in my ass,

I'm still very picky about where I shit. Because I hate pooping in public. You're going to have to dial back your your greediness or your pickiness i realize that now your greediness yeah well yeah wrong word it's um we're uh what are we we're um i don't know weeks here i'm talking again we're what i was gonna say people say our generation is very much um scared to shit yeah no we want everything we want it now whatever the hell that word is um okay that's that i think it's a commercial jg wetworth it's my money and i need it now shut the fuck up i'm trying to put my kid to bed stop yelling out the window you stupid

asshole he's a it's a motto for a generation everybody knows i thought it was a local commercial until until everyone wanted their money? Yeah. Okay. All right, so we're driving down the road. I'm like looking for a gas station. We're not going to that goddamn gas station. It's one of those ones where it's like the bathroom's on the outside. You've got shit in your pants.

It's still... Calm down. I don't want... That's how bad the gas station is. Okay. Exactly. And so we're like, you know what? We're driving around. Okay, there's a Red Robin up here.

I know that that's open. It's got to be open. So we pull in and i so i get out i go to the trunk and i'm like doing the wobble thing because i've got you know a puddle of shit in my ass yes and we were i was we were spending the the weekend with some friends so mud if i if i may okay it was a little blurry things were my um so i get my i get my suitcase grab some underwear throw it in my pocket and then start waddling into Red Robin. Yeah.

Just a fucking stinky penguin. It's so bad. Dude, like, and it was hot. So it's just, like, anybody looking was just seeing. But it was, like, a scurry one, too, not, like, a slow one. So you're doing a tight and a waddle. And, yeah, my fins were flapping. It was a whole thing.

So I walk up to the door, and I walk in, and the woman's like, hi, my fins were flapping. It was a whole thing. So I walk up to the door and Walk in and the woman's like hi how many today and I'm like in in my head I'm thinking she's not gonna let me just go to the bathroom. Right? So I have to grab the puncher No, I have to murder her and sneak past her. I'm gonna have to kick the shit out of her I'm gonna have to elbow her, throw her in the back Didn't do that though. Okay I said, a table for two please. So she grabs two menus and walks me back to a table. Because I'm thinking she's not

going to let me just go pee. So we're walking back to the table and she sets the thing down. I'm like, oh, thanks a lot. I sit down and I'm still trying to sit on one cheek. And by this time my ass cheek is numb. It's like tingling i sit down i'm like looking through the menu and i was getting ready to get up and go to the bathroom

and the waitress comes over she's like hey are you wait can i get you anything where's your friends yeah i was like well i'm still waiting on one more but we could take two waters and she's like okay i'll grab those waters right right and i'm like oh i gotta hit the bathroom real quick i don't know why i told her it was like like I was in panic mode. I didn't know what to do. So she's like, okay, it's right back here. That's fine. Cool, weirdo. Thanks for telling me that. So she leaves, so I'm like, this is my moment. Yeah, I was like one of those

gigantic keys. This isn't the gas station. I'm at a Red Robin. It's classy. Exactly. So I walk in and like the thing's open, so I'm thinking, oh my god, yes. And it's a handicap one, so thing's open. So I'm thinking, oh my God. Yes. I walk in. It's a handicap one.

So it's gigantic. I'm thinking I get to spread out. This is great. You can do whatever I want in here. So I sit down and I mean, it was like, I can't even describe to you the sound. It was just like, it started. I was like, it was one of the ones that like this goes like splats on the thing. And then just like full on faucet water spraying out of my ass.

Yeah. And it's, it's like more like, oh, I don't even care. I don't care how bad this is. I'm just so happy that I'm sitting on a toilet. So, you know, and then people are walking in. You're going pee. You know, this is all happening. And it smells so bad. I mean, it's like, oh my God. No, there's two sinks in here. Yeah. Yeah, exactly this is all happening and it smells so bad i mean it's like oh my god

no there's two sinks in here yeah they're yeah exactly they're like it smell it actually oh my god did you leave the sink on and it's just you it's just yeah a constant like you just hear the spring like people turn the sink on to mask the sound of them shitting did you just leave the stinky sink on the sound that would that people would turn on to master some of them shitting. That sound. Yeah, that first initial. It sounds like throwing gack against the wall. Yeah, exactly. But it was like, it's like, it probably chipped the porcelain.

It came out with such force. Good. So people are coming in and out and I'm like, oh my God, this is embarrassing. But at the same time, I'm like, this is so relieving. But they also don't know who I am. Right, exactly. They can't see me. Except for that little gap that was right by the sink. That's always so weird.

So people were washing their hands. If they look in the mirror, I'm like staring through that little gap. If you look hard enough, we would be making eye contact. But I still found time to put the toilet paper down. What are you looking at? So I don't know about you. Stop looking at me. Mind your business.

Like I'm used to getting stared at I have young kids I'm used to getting stared at while I'm shitting But it's usually not strangers Right So, when I go into a bathroom I put a couple layers of toilet paper down You know, because you never know

What the fucking diseases that are I never do that Yeah, well What kind of diseases do you have? All of them You better talk to your wife And have her get it checked out Well, she's got them too then at this point.

I like to be pure. Our butts have touched. You don't even hump in the front anymore. You just butt. That's all you do. Try humping butts. Ass to ass with no dildo? Yeah.

Just a round of applause with our butt cheeks? Pegging with no dildo. That's a thing, right? Pegging? Yeah. Grinding, I think is what that's called. All right. So I just destroy this toilet. And I'm like, okay. that's a thing right pegging yeah grinding i think is what that's called um all right so i so i just destroy this toilet and i'm like okay so it comes time to wipe i get up and i'm wiping

because i'm a stand wiper so i'm wiping my whole ass and it's and but all the toilet paper also fell in from that was on the toilet and so i go to flush and this thing starts overflowing dude so it's just nightmare yes and you so you think i'm like hot and sweaty and like panicked this And this thing starts overflowing. Dude, this is a nightmare. Yes. And so you think I'm like hot and sweaty and like panicked. This thing starts overflowing and onto the floor. So now I'm like trying to get my feet away so I'm not getting, you know, just shit all over myself. Go, go, gadget gravity. I want the helicopter and fly out of there is what I really wish I had.

And mind you, there's people still coming in and out. Yeah. So they're hearing me inside. oh god like they just hear that and they're in the bathroom going oh fuck because they they're terrified what's this nothing's going on in here what's this on you see me my hands above the stall just whatever your dances were embarrassed yeah exactly what would that be i don't know okay a lot of like mouth over the mouth so um so and then all of a sudden the door opens up and i some shoes walk in that i recognize and it's my buddy that was with me in the car my buddy brandon and so he walks in he's going pee he's like jesus christ it smells so bad in here i'm like you think it smells bad out there i'm i'm like avoiding i'm at ground zero

the water's rising i'm drowning yeah i'm like trying to avoid what's coming out of the toilet so i have to i'm like okay well i get all cleaned up the toilet will not flush it's destroyed so i'm thinking okay well i at least have to change my underwear get my clothes on get the hell out of here so i stand up Take my underwear off and like throw them in a corner And they're just shit covered Over in the corner Toilet paper all waddle up in there And then so waddle

Back to the fang Fucking fang went Fucking stinky fang went coming in I was gonna do a voice The narrator guy Which guy? Freeman. Morgan Freeman. Yeah, I was going to.

Imagine him narrating this whole thing that's going on. And then he took a giant dump in the toilet and spilled everywhere. Right. All right. He's British for some reason. He is now. So I get the underwear off and I'm putting my new underwear on. I get one leg in and then I'm trying to put on the other one and I try to lose my balance a little bit.

No. And I put my hand on the door and it wasn't latched all the way, and the door swings open, and I have my dong, cock and balls, the floor, shitty brown water floor. It's overflowing the toilet. And I'm standing there like, oh, my God! And there's, standing there washing his hands like in the in the rear view mirror my buddy's standing right there and so i swing the door shut i'm like oh my god and he's like what

the fuck is going on in there i'm like you have no idea wait till i tell the whole story later so i shut the door i'm like it's not staying shut you have to let so i was like you need to lean on the door to keep it shut till i get out of here so he's leaning back up and i'm still trying he's like you okay in there i'm like yeah i'm almost ready you know and he's like if someone walks in i have to leave i'm like yeah i totally get that that's fine so i thanks friends yeah thanks a lot everybody for helping me out here so i get my shorts on and i have my underwear that are you know shit just drenched shit covered so i open the door. I'm like, all right, let's get the fuck out of here.

So we start walking out. And the only garbage can in that whole bathroom was one of those ones that's in the side. Okay. It's not a standalone toilet. It's built in the thing. So I have to put my underwear in there and then, like, get other paper towels and wedge it down in there. Okay. So picture the person that has to come in there and there's

shit underwear in the in the wall yeah and then there's a puddle like an inch foot puddle of shit all over the floor and i was walking away it was kind of like the explosion they still talk about it to this day whoever had to clean that up oh it's they're like i swear to god it's arctic circle there's probably like there's there's like a um a day live in infamy, and that was that day for those people. As he quit. So we walked out there, and there's like a couple of waters sitting on the table and everything. And I was like, we're getting the hell out of here. So we walked through, and I walked right by the woman that sat us.

And she's like, oh, you're leaving so soon already? I'm like, yeah, we just got a call. We got to take off. Yeah, exactly. Someone died. We have to go to the hospital right now. We got to take off. Yeah, exactly. Someone died. We have to go to the hospital right now. We have to identify the body. Thanks for the water.

Exactly. Yeah. Well, we left a couple bucks. Just because. Good for you. So I'm sweating telling the story because I'm reliving it. So then we walk out and Zach's standing outside eating his food. And I'm just like, it was like I robbed a bank.

I was like, go, go, go, go. Everyone's getting in the car. Like we're all running out of there so we tear we tear out of the parking lot head down the road and then all this is okay because now i'm clean and i'm good and now i have my arctic circle and so we're now we're back on the road right and all was great i had my bacon bunny cheeseburger had had my fry sauce. And no underwear. No. Just free balling the entire way. Hell yeah.

Yeah. That's a good way to eat a fucking bacon, whatever you call it, hamburger. Bacon bounty cheeseburger. Yeah, what? I'm sweating. What could go wrong? I'm reliving that story. I'm sweating. That was funny.

That was a very funny story. That was, like, when that happens, you cannot, it's like everything, every step of the way, it was like, you know what I way it was like you know i mean like you can't write a script like that dude if i'm your friend i'm sitting there i'm washing my hands and my homie comes swinging out with his dick out fucking covered in shit yeah hold on yeah you have to hold the door okay i'll hold it but if someone comes in here i'm out of here i mean he was a good friend so he did but holy shit imagine like it was all fun and then when the door swung open and like you'd

see the absolute disaster that's going on right there this guy standing with his underwear around his legs is dong out and flooding like shit flooding over a toilet it's like a whole spectacle it's like you're at a Vegas performance

exactly at that point i didn't make a dime though oh god damn yeah you lost money you have to buy new underwear all right that was very funny that was long that was long but we're gonna move on now to a segment that we call dic are you ready yeah okay logan play it is stands for dumb, interesting, or cool. It's not just so we can say dick every episode. It is, though. It is. It is.

Absolutely. And we got a big, thick-ass dick for you guys today. Big, veiny, triumphant bastard. And I'm grabbing the first story and this is one that i'm so excited to show you because i cannot believe uh first of all this happened and then the end result is so fucking ridiculous um okay so i don't know exactly how to pronounce the name of this this thing but we're gonna go with uh nesyman nesyman nesyman was an ancient egyptian priest who sang chants as part of his ritual duties at the temple

of karnak in the phoebus during the reign of pharaoh ramzi the 40th the fucking xl the extra large one now three thousand years later after his death scientists have recreated the sound of his voice with the help of 3d of a 3d printed vocal tract this is so fucking ridiculous dude okay i can't wait so i don't even have to read the article for you to know that the amount of effort the amount of ct scans and 3d printing of different shit and the electronics and the the audio engineering that went in to finding out what this motherfucker sounded like and this is what he sounded like are you ready uh yes oh my god.

Millions of dollars. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Listen. Okay, so. It sounds like a speaking spell. They could have gone back and just pushed like E on a speaking spell. It's like. And you would have had the same result.

Do you think the people that did all that research and came, so they, years and years and years, I imagine, right? Of all this. I hope so. At least like two or three years went into this, I hope. I'm sure I could find it if I knew how to read it. But go ahead. I mean, I imagine there was like funding for this project.

So they have to go to this board and be like, we want funding. We're going to, we have this whole idea we want to see how ramses sounds there's a way they spoke pharaohs back then they're 3 000 years ago right and then so they go this whole thing and then they bring it to the board like hey what do we spend our money on right and right and they're like they're like sit down buckle up yeah buckle up this out. And then they go back to their PowerPoint presentation, and they go, Can you play that shit? And they're like, what? Are you fucking kidding me?

They listen to that, and they're like, oh, there must have been an audio. Is it glitching? Is it glitching? What's going on? No, that's it. That's all we got. Any other words that he says? Nope, just.

The amount of money that went into this shit. And this shit comes back. You could be like, hey, this is a sample from whatever 80s video game. And I'm like, cool. I'm like, I buy it. Like, yeah, that's fine. But if you're going back and presenting this to a bunch of investors, like, what did I

Jonathan, we're so happy to have you back. Right. So give us an insight into what people sounded like 3000 years ago. Thank you so much. Don't jump out the window. Imagine doing that in front of an audience of thousands of people like all these students you're at harvard yeah like harvard i don't even know what department would history and whatever other thing archaeological this huge thing they have all the greatest minds from past classes

that have graduated and they've come back from all over the world and you give a presentation that's all you fucking do and sure I don't care I don't care how accurate it is it doesn't matter do it again it doesn't matter and apparently it might mean bad

cool I don't care like at this point when they came up with this they should have been like we can't bring this back to the investors like we couldn't find anything it was a failure it was impossible a failure would have been more beneficial than that like we're gonna give you a 25% refund. Instead of that. Like, just say you couldn't do it. Or fake it.

We realize we don't have the technology yet. Right. But another 50 years. In the future. Because right now, all he says is bet. In what language? We don't know.

Hey, guys. Oh, my God. All right Alright Ezra Pepper It's time for Oh shit Dude This is so funny

Like it's not threatening Or anything Like from a pharaoh You'd think it would be like You know Very commanding Yeah like Yo

You get your ass to bed Right You will listen you will listen you will listen to me who built a like imagine him trying to instruct people to build a pyramid

eh right eh he's just pointing and eh sir do you have any do you have any advice

before we head into battle eh standing in front of all these like thousands of warriors ready yeah beyond the horizon tell us what you need us to do

he's on like a chariot thing into battle he starts the charge just yeah so that's what I found for Dick oh that's funny which thing did you bring into Dick this week

show me your dick show me that Dick yeah so I found a guy that was on a flight in Chicago okay and apparently as it landed and it's taxiing into the airport, he just opens up the emergency door. Okay.

Walks out onto the wing and just slides off the wing onto the tarmac and just takes off. And it got me thinking, like, how many times have you wanted to do something like that? When you're sitting there and you're stuck in that that slow ass process uh yeah like i i fantasize about what would they do if i just started climbing on top of them that's exactly what i like grab their heads and just started pulling them back excuse me sorry one second one second oh sorry my luggage is up here yeah you're right i gotta get to my luggage right and as you're dragging the luggage you're right hitting everybody in the head yeah because there's always that like those people as soon as that plane lands and goes everyone just stands up and they're standing there okay first of all some guy's looking around like a dumb ass

first of all sit down right i i mean i'm part of that just sit the fuck down because it's gonna go in order yeah and as soon as they get like maybe the row in front of you, start preparing to leave. But do not get up before that. No. Don't do it. There's no point. Nope. I'm just wasting everyone's time.

And you're going to bonk your head. Right. Just sit down. All the times, like imagine having a connecting flight and those times when you're sitting here and you're just like, and it's taking forever. This guy was like, fuck it. I'm going for it. How expensive could the fine possibly right and he

found out it's five hundred thousand dollars well is there like is there a precedent for something like that um i don't i mean he can't be the first one that has opened an emergency door and said fuck this place there's no way there's so many flights when i started reading when i started reading that it said he slid out. I thought maybe the stair inflated. He hit the inflated button. And he's bouncing down the thing. Deuces! He's turned around.

He's like, fuck you! I'm like, bye! Everyone starts joining him. Come with me! Everybody, who's coming with me? Why wouldn't you use this? It's right here! Right.

And it's fun. It's fun! Kids are bouncing down the thing. Whee! I imagine they arrested him. I'm shocked. So I imagine like, I'm picturing myself like I have a connecting flight. I got to get there in 10 minutes or my flight's going to leave without me.

Yep. So I'm like, fuck it. I open the emergency door, jump down or slide down the wing and start running off. You get arrested. And as you're carrying you I'm gonna miss my flight! You know you're in handcuffs yelling I'm just gonna miss my flight let me go god damn it! Easy Brian with a Y. Thanks Isis!

They're checking your ID well it is Brian with a Y. Right. This is him. If you had an I in your name there's no way you would have done this shit. Right. But you are Bwyan! Bwyan with Ys are psychopaths. They are. They will open an emergency door and slide down you're goddamn right for shits and giggles yeah yeah you're fucking right we do you're fucking right we do better yet i picture him like uh it's not even you're not even worried about getting out you pull the thing the and you start throwing people down the slide like you're now the like the like a carnival right kind of ride dude where you're just like okay next and

you're like i don't want i need my luggage and you just dude. Where you're just like, okay, next! And he's like, I don't want... I need my luggage! And he's like, no! And he just bounces off. And you're like, okay, which one? What color is it? It's pink! Throwing it down.

Okay, go a second! And he's, here you go! Just throws it down the slide. See, that's a fun thing. That's something I would picture happening on like Virgin Mobile. Yeah? Like, I've never ridden Virgin. Have you?

I hear it's sweet. No, I never have. They have cool things that happen. I've never seen a Virgin plane. I always assume it exists, but... I don't think never ridden Virgin. Have you? I hear it's sweet. No, I never have. They have cool things that happen. I've never seen a Virgin plane. I always assume it exists, but I don't think they're up here in the Northwest. It's like just in the news. Like maybe Seattle. It's just in the news.

Who even knows if it's fucking real? Logan. Yes, sir. Have you ridden Virgin, flown Virgin? I have not. Are you a Virgin? You fucking bitch. He's got three kids.

That's what I was going to say. They don't know for his. They're all incubated. Logan, have you ever had a a virgin? You fucking bitch. He's got three kids. That's what I was going to say. They don't know for his. They're all incubated. Logan, have you ever had a blood test to see? No. See, I never actually have either. I've always kind of wondered. Actually, wait.

No, on my first one, I did. But the second two, we didn't. Because we had to. In Indiana, we had to. Or else I wasn't the legal father. What? Yeah. Did you go to Jerry Springer?

There's so much incest going on in Indiana that they make you do blood tests. Logan, you are the father. Did you see walk across the room and you found out? It was a moonwalk. Okay. I know it. Just like a little, like a quick spin, grab the paper. Thank you.

A little interpretive dance. I've never, yeah, it's basically, I mean, it's just the big ones up here. Alaska, Delta, Southwest. American Airlines. That's it. There's no Virgin in Spokane. I don't know if it's in Seattle. I have no idea.

I started picturing- Maybe some small town fucking places. No one goes anywhere I go. Tri-Cities. What? Tri-Cities has fucking Virgin? No. There's no way.

No. No, it's just, I think the biggest airport that's in this area is Seattle, and I've never seen that there. I could be wrong. But I have no idea. Nor do we fucking care. Exactly, and I've never seen that there. I could be wrong. But I have no idea. Nor do we fucking care. Exactly. Because I'm never going to fly it.

Okay, fine. If there's a flight that we have to go to a place to do a cool show together, and the only way to get there is Virgin, you don't get on because of that comment? I'll ride a Virgin. Okay. I don't think my wife would be too happy about that. She doesn't have to know? That's not what I was going to say. Well, she's not going to listen to this.

Well, she probably will. She supports my career. Plans foiled! She supports my career. Sorry, babe. I promise I'd fuck a virgin. Okay. I mean, that kind of comes with the territory, right?

This is our first show. I can't be a liar. You don't want me to be a liar, babe, right? Okay, fine. Let me set that precedent. You don't want to be a liar. Come on, liar. You don't want me to be a liar, babe, right? Okay, fine. Let me set that precedent. You don't want to be a liar. Come on, baby. You don't want me to lie to you.

I didn't say virgins. It's one. How many virgins do the guys get, the suicide bombers? Too many. Too many. 72, isn't it? 72? Why is it 72?

Why not an even number? What? 72 is an even number. Well, no, like a 70 or an 80 or 75. Because two of them are going to suck. Two of them, like maybe they can't take it. I don't know. They're sisters.

So you fuck one, you fuck both. I don't know how that whole religion works. And is that like you have those for the rest of eternity, just the 72? Or do you get like a new crop? You can trade them like baseball cards? Yeah. With your's worn out i don't know so if you listen this thing's flapping cool i'm fucking a tent you get it diagnosed like taking a car and you get a that's making a weird noise listen the crankshaft is uh right right when i do this like you squeeze the nose or something

it's like it makes it right uh okay well did i marry a pharaoh right that's it for dick this week we're moving on to a brand new segment that will explain what after logan plays the segment do it silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Okay, Logan, go ahead and set this up for us. An anonymous listener thinks it's absurd that her husband gets mad at her for continuing to watch shows on Netflix after he falls asleep in five minutes. Her husband thinks she should skip on to a different show so he doesn't fall further behind every single night when he's too tired to watch their show together.

What do you think, boys? Let's get into it. Okay. Okay. Good voice. Real good. This motherfucker right here. And before we dive in, we'll explain petty beef is just arguments that you have with your friends or your spouse or a roommate. That it could be something super stupid.

It could be something very serious. But you bring that into the petty beef courtroom. Bring it to us. And then we will decide who is right or wrong. We'll do our best to figure out who wins the case. You can send in your petty beef arguments to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com

Sometimes it'll be us fighting shit out. And then Logan, I think, will have to make the decision on who is right or wrong. I paid Logan off before. I know that. I saw it. I'm digging the music. Thanks. That. I know that. I saw it. I'm digging the music.

Thanks. That courtroom music was dead on. So good. Boom, boom, boom. So, man, Aaron, my wife and I, we do have this situation in our home. As I'm sure a lot of people in any sort of extended relationship, I guess it could be short term. Maybe you're fucking somebody for their Netflix account. I don't know.

Netflix is actually priming down on that. I have fucked people for less. I mean, I will say that. So, the chance that you're

fucking somebody just so you can use Hulu Plus or whatever, I'm not going to judge you. I think that's fair game. Do you create your own account if you're doing that? Or do you use their

account like a profile? No, well then you have to pay, well, no, that's fair game um do you create your own account if you're doing that or do you use their account like no well then you have to pay well no that's too suspicious like if i show up like in their house their tv their stuff i just have a joe like their kids don't fuck up my previously watched imagine if it was a marriage like a married woman who has a family she's got like her kid's profile and everything. Then there's just Joe. Mommy, who's Joe? Maybe dad. It's a false account for other shows. Screw up my other account. It's a trick.

The algorithm. It's a trick. What's that, Brian with a Y? Yeah. It's spelled wrong. Wait, I only know three Brians. The other two are with an I. Well.

You're fucking that guy? Right. Oh, my God. I mean, I get it. He's sexy. what is wrong with you so continuing to watch shows when who your partner or your friend or whoever in this situation it's your partner your husband wife falls asleep like within five minutes of getting in bed and firing it up um initial thought what what do you think like what do you stand on this

is it wrong to do or do you expect them to look over, see you snoring, and be like, okay, I'm out. What do you think? I'm kind of... God damn it! I cannot help it. I'm kind of siding with the wife here because if it's something that they know that he does, if the husband is just something that he does, he's got to have some self awareness to go you know this is going to happen and because i know when i try to watch a show and have little kids or whatever i want to watch something they they start getting and i'm like

oh i get pissed when i can't finish it right so i have shows that i like to just watch on my own when the kids go to bed so when my wife and i try to watch something and it it gets stopped i get really upset because i i don't like to stop and pick a show up if i'm try to watch something and it gets stopped, I get really upset. Because I don't like to stop and pick a show up. If I'm going to watch it, I want to watch it through. Okay. So I think she's got this. No, I don't.

I fucking hate it. I want to get through the show because I don't want to pick it up and have to go, should we go backwards a little bit and get caught up? So I think that guy either needs to suck it up. Where were we? Exactly. I think I remember seeing this. Yeah. That's the worst. it is the worst so that guy needs to fucking suck it up okay and make it through it or he needs to go you know what you're fine watching it i'll i'll catch up

listen you're fine keep doing that i'm gonna go to mexico yeah and you can do all this on your own and i'll watch whatever shows i want in mexico and sleep whenever i want no but to uh to the husband's point maybe there's a time to have different shows so there's a show that's your guys's yeah that you watch this thing together there's ones there's different interests like you go watch whatever true crime thing you want to watch i'm gonna watch what silly fun thing that you hate when you fall asleep or you're not here but we don't advance this show unless we are both present. How often is this happening? Yeah. 15 years.

No, I've played this game with Erin. And I know that I'm not alone on this. I will watch or if she falls asleep, I will watch it. And then the next day or the next night, she wants to watch it. She's like, did you fall asleep? Like, yeah, I fell asleep. And we'll just watch it again because i don't want to make you feel bad like you didn't see it whoa whoa who's that guy crazy i didn't know that was gonna happen like i tap i'm like you're not gonna believe what happens next i think i saw a trailer i saw the teaser

for this episode this part looks really good or you fuck with them and you're like oh i gotta figure it out like in your it's like some crazy like ozark it's dead on though like that's too much oh i know what they're doing so the poppy field remember that from season two right that's coming back those guys are gonna be back here they're gonna have a helicopter this time i mean i'm just expecting i mean i said that in season two though i thought that remember when i said i think this is what's gonna happen that's what happened like i don't remember well then you don't remember anything uh and you're done and then you you know you can play always that trick with them, too. You know what I do with my wife sometimes?

We'll be watching a show. I'll look over and she's on her phone. And then I'm like, are you bored? She's like, no. I'm like, why are you playing Candy Crush? And then when something happens, I'll be like, oh, gosh. What just happened? What happened?

I'm like, oh, I'm not rewinding this shit. That is... Which is Candy Crush would happen. If you love it shit. That is... Would you have candy crushed would happen? If you'd love it so much. Right. Would you marry candy crush? Would you fucking jerk and get a divorce? Does candy crush come on you, too?

What? Does he give you a towel? Does he know how to get up and clean you up and stuff? What are you talking about? Just watch the movie! All I'm saying is just watch the movie and get off your phone. All I'm saying is, God! It's not that complicated.

Does he fall? Jizz on your back. Dude. I'm saying. I'm just saying. Just saying. Do I need to be charged? What?

It's just like this weird shit. Stop listening to me. That's what I'm saying because you don't listen to me. I think there's a line to be drawn between what type of show it is and maybe I'm wrong for this. Yeah. I mean if it's like when we were watching Game of Thrones or something

or if you've seen it, like if you're going back through, me and my wife love to watch ghost adventures. I'm not sure if you're seen it, like if you're going back through, me and my wife love to watch Ghost Adventures. I'm not sure if you're into the fun paranormal stuff. Oh, the guy that gets scratches on his back and says, come mess with me if you're so tough. No, the best part about Ghost Adventures is that they do this shit and it kills me all the time. So, Zach Bagans, which you have to like grow to like him. Oh, yeah.

Because at first you hate him and then you like him and then you hate him again. Then you like, it's kind of like a food that you're just like, Oh, and then you're like, yeah. Uh, like,

like, or like rim jobs. But, uh, Zach Bagans, the whole crew, they'll be like, Hey,

do that again. Come fuck with me. And then they'll touch them. And they're like, Oh my God, run. They come in so tough. You're like like you don't have nothing on us you need to let these people sleep if you want to mess with somebody you can mess with me and then pick up some of your own

two seconds later like the cameras are swinging around and they're sprinting out of the house. It's my favorite part of Ghost Adventures. So anyway, there's certain- The steps to hell. Okay. There's certain shows that I think it's okay to advance on and other ones that if you are watching it together, I think you have to make the decision as a couple, how tired are you? I'm fucking tired.

Yep. Then we're not starting- Exactly. Cool show that we wanted to start. That's where I'm like the guy needs to have some self-awareness to go you know what babe just i'm too tired i'm not gonna make it through but there's a whole thing like some people they don't know how tired they are and then you're watching a show it's like you're not bored like i just laid down now i'm so tired i'm

resting my eyes you know maybe you should just stand in the middle of the room start doing pilates yeah so so this says falls asleep after five minutes. What if you fall asleep at like the 20 or 30 minute mark? Is that acceptable? I'm assuming that this has to be an exaggeration. I mean, I can fall asleep sometimes in five minutes. Like if I'm just wrecked from a busy day, yeah, I can fall asleep in five minutes. But I'm guessing that this anonymous listener is kind of exaggerating to make a point. But I don't know. I'm not sure if my viewpoint changes whether it's five to 20.

I don't think it does. What about you? Well, yeah. I mean, this happened the other night. We were watching a movie, and I looked over and I saw my wife falling asleep. But it was one of those movies that's like,'s not it wasn't like a oh my god it was remember the movie um stripes uh with bill murray without without zebras it's like a 1980s movie with bill murray no he like it's it's i love the movie she's never seen it so she she was like

john candy and bill murray just she checked out um but so i was like even though i didn't know she really know um things she cared i still stopped it and i was like, even though I didn't know she really thinks she cared, I still stopped it. And I was like, we'll pick it up. Well, you wanted her to see it too. Yeah. So that you could reference it at their table. So when I look over and she's on her phone, I'm like, do you understand what's going on right now? Right.

Why? That's hilarious. Like if someone's not watching during Anchorman. Right. And you're like, God damn it. Like they just zone out and start playing Candy Crush towards like the I'm in a glass case of emotion and you're like you gotta

fucking I'm gonna use that later yeah and you've never seen it you have to know why it's funny exactly yeah and the thing also when you watch something and you think it's hilarious you're like oh you're waiting for that part in the movie and then it happens and then you're looking over,

and I'm like, oh, I can't wait till they see it, and they just kind of watch it, and then look back down at their phone, and you're like, who did I marry? Dear Diary. Yeah. Dear Diary. One more step towards divorce.

Right. I mean, honestly, that's where it's like, sometimes you're like, who is this person? How could I end up with this person? Why do I love you? Yeah. Well, I mean, I love you because you're like, who is this person? Yeah. How could I end up with this person? Why do I love you? Yeah. Well. I mean, I love you because you're the mother of my kids, but.

And it ends there. Right. That's about it. It started out like, well, I actually liked you. Now I just tolerate you. Now it's like, I can't do this alone. Right. Yeah, exactly.

I don't know what I would do without. Do you have any, and I will say that like i i sometimes get into bed and if i know that i'm tired or i don't i don't think i'm gonna make it past even 30 to 45 minutes i don't i don't know i'm scared to even start it i'm like i don't want to because there's so much good content out there and you hear about so many shows like you have to see this you have to see that uh and a lot of times i'm busy and if i sit down i i'm i actually I'm like, I don't want to ruin this. I'm scared to start it because I don't think I'm going to be able to finish it. That has nothing to really do with the question. But Logan, do you have anything to add to this? Are we missing any viewpoint

whatsoever? Yeah, guys. I mean, I'm on the husband's side. I feel like if it's a chronic issue, then sure. But if it's an every now and again thing, and if you enter an agreement to watch something and one person falls asleep. I'm on the, I'm advocate for falling or for pausing it. What if they're okay with like kind of sitting out until you catch back up the next night? No,

I want to watch the show with my spouse. Okay. So fuck women. Uh, I won't say you said it. Oh, sorry. Yeah.

So I'm guessing, yeah, the wife, I i mean if you have something better that we're missing that or you have something you want to argue with this yeah please send it in to hey guys at candy don't podcast.com and we'll uh we'll gladly go over this yeah this one it falls in that kind of in that middle point where it's like you just kind of have to have an understanding with each other going into it. If there was like a, you guys cut your hands open, right? Right.

And you just shook on it like a blood brother bond. You're like, you will not watch Yellowstone without me. And you spit on your hand, slap each other's face. And then each person stabs themselves in the ribs. And that's kind of where you're at. And then you masturbate with the lubrication of blood. Fine. That's additional to seal the bond. But if you do something like that there's an agreeance i think you have to pause it but if you agree to something and then they fall asleep and like well fuck them i think that you're you're in the wrong on that one

but again send send in your opinion maybe we're missing something here so do we have a ruling i mean i think that we are kind of all side? We're saying that if there's an agreeance on you guys are watching the show together, then you have to pause it. If it's some flippant show, a rerun of The Office, and you fall asleep, keep going. Keep going. Unless, I don't know. Unless there's any kind of thing of promise in place that you have to pause it, don't be an asshole.

All right, fair. I guess where I'm at. Yeah, that's fair. Okay. Okay, very good. All right fair i guess where i'm at yeah that's fair okay okay very good all right gavel down ruling gavel down let's do our perfect handshake great it's so awkward okay we're gonna move on and look at some happy news you ready yeah okay logan play the thing so you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah! And as you kind of picked up with that sounder, hooray, we aren't doomed. This is the good news. We talked about it at the beginning of the show.

We're going to look at the worst examples and the best examples of humanity. This is one of those best examples. And this one is really good. A persuasive, or the persuasive words of an eight-year-old written in crayon cracked open the hearts of potential dog adopters to empty the kennel crates at a local shelter shelter so there was a teacher that came up with this cool idea which is like what could i do because she had all of her classmates go and visit the shelter and then write notes in the

perspective of the dogs adorable and then people showed up, and adoption rates went through the goddamn roof. And some of these are so good. So, no human could resist a plea like, if you do adopt me, I hope I will brighten up your Sundays like the sun. You'll be my Sunday special, and I hope I'll be yours. You kidding me?

How can you read a little kid writing that shit and be like, fuck this dog? Right. No, you're in. And you see shit and be like, fuck this dog? Right. No, you're in. And you see some of the pictures, some of the adopters, they have their notes with them as they're picking up dogs. And then just one more example here. It says, hi, my name is Cody.

I would love to be adopted, one student wrote. I would like a loving, caring family with a big fenced in yard. Please be my owner. Dude, what are you supposed to do? If I showed up here, I would come home with 14 dogs. Right. And I'd be pissed at these fucking kids afterwards. Oh, yeah.

I'd probably sue them. I'd write maybe some hate mail to their family and be like, You owe me money! Instead of child support, it's like, Dog food! Anytime you get a kid, it's kind of like um girl scout cookies or whatever like you're at the grocery store you're walking out of there you got all your groceries and then you see some kid trying to sell lemonade or cookies or something like how do you say no i know if it was an adult you'd be like dude get the fuck out of here go push them

but you see yeah get the fuck out of here you see a little kid doing it and you're like you just can't help yourself now you mix dog like cute dogs and little kids and then you hear the words from a little kid that are so like pure and innocent anyway and then yeah i mean that's like a it's a perfect match for just like for someone who has feelings like if you don't have feelings then you know you walk through like all this didn't matter to you right but for if you have feelings and you you can't walk out of there without a couple of dogs like i strictly like horses yeah you're like fuck i'm just into horses fuck this door i'm into horses hi and just the just make a big scene to fuck all the dogs i love horses i'm saying nay to these dogs and it was very successful because 21 of the 24 hard-to-adopt animals found new homes before long.

That's awesome. Good on them. Well done. What a thing. What a happy ending. And good for the parents to get their kids out there doing that. Yeah, for sure. Okay.

Fuck them. We're moving on to looking all over the internet, and we're going to find something funny. I'll explain more about the segment after we play it. Okay. Logan, just whatever you want, man. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison.

Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found yes that's awesome okay i saw you holding that i was like hey look what i found is a segment where we will find just funny videos or products or whatever it is that doesn't really fit in the other segments uh and then bring it to you and what we have here on our first episode, very excited to show this off. It's a song that you, I, and Logan all know. I believe I showed it to both of you, but it was spaced out. I think Logan about two years ago, and then you probably half a year ago.

Yeah. And it's one of my favorite things. It's my favorite country song of all time. I'm not going to tell you why, but as you listen to the song, you're going to find out why it's my favorite country song. It's a masterpiece. So we're going to kind you why, but as you listen to the song, you're going to find out why it's my favorite country song. It's a masterpiece. So we're going to pause for a second here and listen to a bit of this song called Parked Out by the Lake. Here we go. Right after this ad. What the fuck?

Doesn't it feel great to straighten up after hours in front of the computer? Do you ever ask yourself why a minute later you find yourself in your regular bathroom? I apparently have to pay for premium. Okay, here we go. I'm still parked out by the lake. 80 miles from Santa Fe. And I'm sitting here Just parked out by the lake

If you're wondering where I park I'm out parked by the lake It's the lake that's 80 miles from Santa Fe Where is it? It's by Santa Fe. And I'm parked out by the lake. 80 miles from Santa Fe. It's the lake that's parked where I'm at.

Out by the lake. Keeps going. This lake is where I'm parked. 80 miles from Santa Fe, and I'm still parked out here by this lake, 80 miles from Santa Fe. It just sounds so good, and it just keeps going. I'm going to skip ahead one minute, so you can see if it changes. Santa Fe, that's where I'm going to skip ahead one minute so you can see if it changes. I need to go. Yeah. Santa Fe, that's where I'm at. I'm parked, waiting for you.

Finally changes it. You know that I'm parked out by the lake. You remember that lake out by Santa Fe. And I'm going to sit in park. Out by this lake. Okay, okay. stand afraid and i'm gonna see it okay okay jesus christ the truck in there it's just got the american flag and i know it's it's it's so good it's so good so if you want to explore that track uh just look up parked by the lake it's by dean summer wind which i researched at one point i think i think he's under an alias.

Yes. I don't know exactly who, but it's like a bigger country song or a country artist that released this. And it's gained some popularity recently, but goddamn, dude. I remember because when I worked in radio, Rock 94 and a half, the rock station I worked at was right next to the country station in Spokane. When I first came across this track, I made them play it. On the radio? Uh-huh.

Nice. I'm not sure. I think I brought them all in and said, this is the best country song I've ever heard, and then didn't tell them anything. Right. And then one by one, as they figured out what was happening,

they're like, fuck you. You're just watching everyone realizing it? And of course, some were laughing, some thought I was making fun of it, which I mean, fuck, I was. Well, it's meant to be made fun of. Yeah. But yeah.

So it was, it was very funny. I don't think they ever played on the air, but Parked Out by the Lake is my favorite country song. It's so funny. I laughed. 80 miles. Oh my God. I laughed so hard. Because it just, the longer it goes, the funnier it gets because it's still talking about the

same thing. Like you're just different wording. Yeah. Like a little flip in some words. They just switch the order of the words it's all i did wondering where i'm so good i'm out by a bottle lake it is miles from san francis so that's that how do you feel how do you feel in your body about episode one of can you don't podcast i feel with joe paisley and brian albrant with the why yeah well um i i gotta say i i can scratch that steady if you're looking on if you're watching on youtube i could scratch off that top of that why and just give you an eye you want it to be an eye don't you i don't want i mean i just want you to be why why do you want it to be i just don't want i'm sick of how i don't like what your parents did to you I think it's a cooler way to spell it

because if you make a cool graphic a Y is way more cool than an I I think you're biased I think it's the coolest way to spell it ever that's so cool, I love Y's that's why I named both my kids with Y's too I'm just fucking with you, I don't care but it is funny to me

I had fun and I'm all sweaty okay, well we'll do a big fun and I'm all sweaty. Okay. Well, we'll do a big hug and I'm sure we'll have a drink or something after this to celebrate. Yeah. We're happy you guys have showed up to do this with us. We promise it's going to be fun. It's going to be light and we'll be doing a lot more on the video

side, things that are off the camera to build this community and we're excited to get going. But right now we're just focusing on getting this thing launched and we're very excited that you've decided to come over here and check it out yeah i'm just excited to have another like-minded someone to throw you know i when i'm sitting at home i have to write scripts and all this kind of stuff and i'm like what i think is funny so what's what i've loved about this hanging out with you and logan is like i come up with something and i throw it out there and you guys bounce back with something hilarious. And it's actually been just aside from recording this,

it's been fun to hang out with you guys and actually like become friends with you guys. So I'm kind of excited about that on a serious note. And I think it's helped me already, like with inspiration for, for funny things. So I'm excited to see what we can produce together. Give you a little juice shot.

Yeah, it really does. Juice! Right in the ass. Come down your back. Hey, Logan! Yes, sir. Good job, dude. I'm happy. Thanks, guys. And we'll have to do a proper introduction for you as well

because you are also coming over from Bad Magic Productions. Correct. And people would know you from us working together on Is Be Dumb. Yeah. But we'll do an introduction. You have some very talented kids, lovely wife. Thank you. And maybe we'll do that to kick off uh episode two yeah let's do it so people get to know you but thank you logan keith you're welcome got the new merch i mean fuck right out the gate so can you don't merch available right now at can you don't podcast.com it looks

sexy too of course designed by motherfucking logan keith you can follow us on facebook and instagram just look for can you don't podcast and we Facebook and Instagram. Just look for Can You Don't Podcast. And we have that private Facebook group. Look up Can You Don't Podcast community. I'm not sure exactly what it's named at this time, but we'll figure it out. And you can watch us on YouTube. If you go to YouTube and search for Can You Don't Podcast,

you'll get the video versions of everything we do here. And if there's something you want to see on the show, and that's a big part, we want you guys to be a part of this show as much as possible. Send those things in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. Then rate and review us wherever you listen to your podcast, which is basically Apple. Spotify allows you to do it now. Like maybe Stitcher.

Google. Even though Google Podcast Player fucking sucks dick. But if you still haven't gotten off of that then i guess whatever or rate us there god you're a pro they're so bad well i mean fuck i've been doing this for 15 years i'm sitting here like admiring this i've been doing it for like 15 years bro i just had to put my wiener in my waistband i noticed like i was like the arcade was lifting up yeah lift it up yeah and if you're not watching on on youtube my god go check this shit out. We're so pumped. What we use for our table for the podcast is an arcade, like one of those cocktail arcade tables.

Yeah. This thing has like 500 games on it. Some Puckman on there. I know. Which, yeah, we'll hit some history with Puckman maybe sometime soon. Yeah. Maybe that'll be bonus content. Yeah. Oh, God, I can't wait for that.

Look and do the thing. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? So wrap it up already. Again, I'm sorry. I don't want to explain it all the time. But this could be a joke, like a dad joke. It could also be just an interesting fact.

It could also be like a thought-provoking question. Okay. Like, I don't know, whatever. Like shower of thoughts. Just leave you with a little thing to send you on your way until we see you guys next Wednesday. Love it. This week, it happens to be a joke. Are you ready for me to lay this on you?

Yes, yes. I'm excited. What do you call a masturbating cow? Oh, God. Beef stroganoff? Oh, no. No! You get in.

Stroking off. Oh, my God. Hey, Logan. call the paramedics All right, fuck okay. Bye guys Bye.