Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Musical. Splash Pads. Dashes. Pizza Pilot.

Episode Date: December 18, 2024

Are you a fan of musicals? What if you had to basically live inside one for the rest of your life? Let's talk about that, the nicest airline pilot of all the time, trying to fight a polar bear in order to save your wife but still get in trouble for not doing the dishes, how much jerking off is too much jerking off, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/iEUS7CeWnDISend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Musical. Splash pads. Dashes. Pizza pilot. What was that one drink? The party was at 131, 141, 151? 151. 151! Flammable. God, that fucked some people up. Remember those friends that thought they were diving to that?

They're like, Bacardi, are you here ever clear? And you're like, I'll just call the ambulance now. Yeah. Like, this is not going to end well. Do you guys ever had had I had friends that would inject out this sounds terrible yeah so but they would inject Everclear into oranges oh I think it's a into their body you're good yeah no that's a really bad idea that's delicious though I know then you would eat the orange yes

but you don't understand how much you're having and I've've been a part of two, well, not me there personally, but sending people to get their stomachs pumped off of fucking Everclear. Really? Yeah. Just maybe don't do that. Maybe a lighter liquor? If you're like, oh, geez, this will set on fire. Don't drink it.

Like, I mean. A buddy of mine took two shots and lost his voice for like the whole weekend. Yeah, Everclear, am I right? Yeah. That's what's crazy about fucking alcohol, right? Father of mine took two shots and lost his voice for like the whole weekend. Yeah, Everclear, am I right? Yeah. That's what's crazy about fucking alcohol, right? Father of mine! What? You have that in the bag?

Let's see. Yeah! Yeah I don't know the little turnaround The little riff Whatever That's all I know I mean that's the whole song It blows people's mind When they're like

What cover song I'm like none I literally don't know A single cover song None of them I think I figured that one out By accident one time None of it I have nothing in there What cover song? I'm like, none. I literally don't know a single cover song. None of them. I think I figured that one out by accident one time. None of it. I have nothing in there.

I've never... They're like, what songs do you know? I'm like, fucking none, but tell me what you want to know and play the song and I'll figure it out right here while we listen to it. Well, I tried learning songs and then I gave up, so I could do the intro of a lot of songs and then I'm like, I don't care. Like that. Uh. Yeah. Uh. Yeah. I gave up, so I could do the intro of a lot of songs, and then I'm like, I don't care. Like that, uh, yeah.

I will buy you a garden. God, they got to be bad live. Oh, yeah. You can just tell. They're not even good for recording. I know. It's a time and place we're ever in. I know.

Before we get into show 131, we shared a story a while back now about a guy that, I think he was at work, and then his girlfriend sent him a gigantic text, and then AI summarized it. Like Apple AI. He must have been in one of the first in the AI beta for Apple Intelligence. He betaed it out. Yeah. Where it summarized everything, and she sent this huge thing, and it was like, this isn't going to work, move out. And he's like, whoa, what?

And then we, like, so now I have Apple intelligence on my phone and it summarizes your emails. And we got an email from Deja. Love you, Deja. And it says, Christmas present. And then here's the summary. Gift for Joe Paisley, Joe's father, and Joe's uncle. And I was like, what?

That doesn't seem right. My dad doesn't, he's not looking for gifts right now. Like, there's nothing unless you're a fucking wizard. Right. That's the only thing. And I clicked on it, and the opening said, hey, daddy's an uncle. So AI was like, this is a gift for Joe Paisley, Joe's father, and Joe's uncle. Joe's extended family everybody

everybody i thought that was so funny that's that just shows you though we're still in the infancy stages of things to dial in yeah a little bit i we've talked about this on previous shows but it is a great idea i'm not i'm not sure if we can tell if you've gifted something but it is an option on patreon if you want to gift a subscription to Can You Don't, you can do that. I feel like there should be some music or something, right? I just played it. I just shut it off. Yeah, but it's...

Oh. Oh. Here you go. Yeah. Does that work? Yeah. You can gift a subscription to Patreon. Just head over to canyoudontpodcast.com, which will link you over to the Patreon.

You'll find a link to our Patreon in the description of this episode. Whatever you got to do to get there. But you can gift somebody if you want to get them in and have them become a gaggle and honk about it. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. But a lot. There's exclusive merch, different tiers, bonus content.

And we'll do that, as we always do, on the back end of today's episode. If you have something you want to see on the show, whatever funny shit you find on the internet or happens to you in real life, send that in to heyguys at can'tyoudon'tpodcast.com Reminder, we got that merch giveaway going on and we just dropped a bunch of new merch. We got a Christmas shirt in there.

We have a mug that has this guy just clip art, so happy, and he just says, fuck yeah. On the coffee mug while he takes his coffee. He's wearing a candy note shirt. But we got all this new merch in there and if you buy any of it, you have a chance to win $250.

We have this little wheel that has been sitting on the desk here for a while and we're going to spin that after Christmas. There'll be different sections on it so if you bought a sweatshirt or a t-shirt or a miscellaneous thing, which is like the coffee cup or any of the other items that are in there that aren't shirts or sweatshirts, you'll have a chance to win.

And if you want to have a chance to win, no matter what it is, you can buy one of each item. And again, like I was saying, thanks to everybody who has picked up merch. There's been a huge explosion in that over the last couple weeks, so thank you. But head over to CanYouDon'tPodcast.com Buy something before Santa arrives and you have a chance to win that $250

Christmas money. We also have these, which we haven't talked about since last Christmas, I think. What is it? I don't know if you can pull that up. It's the Can You Don't Christmas sweater. Christmas sweater. It's got fingerless leather gloves in there. It's got fingerless leather gloves, but then if you look closely, there's a switchblade

in there. There's a hot air balloon kind of we weaved in there it is beautiful in there yeah i mean that's look you see the one i'm wearing yeah every time i know i mean it's just it's pretty much the same yeah you know yeah so they're so go be stylish you can be festive at your christmas party and the christmas shirt that we have or yeah the shirt that we just popped in there it has the uh he says not a bomb on a tag yeah with the shirt that we just popped in there, it has the, he says, not a bomb on a tag. Yeah.

With the Christmas present. Which is adorable. Which is also very confusing when you show up to your Christmas event. Right. But you want to make sure people know that it's not a bomb. Yeah. Before we get into the show, just a quick little update. We've talked a lot about the old googly eyes on the show.

And pretty close to us in Bend, Oregon hmm they're asking this Vandal to stop putting googly eyes on statues a Vandal look at this guy I know not look at this fuck yeah I mean and I get it because they're saying that it's hard to remove then he's going to different roundabouts around the city and just adding these gigantic googly eyes to it. Does that not make everything better? It does. And they're saying that they have to remove them

and it costs money. They don't want to damage the art. And I'm looking at this steel ball and I'm like, what are you damaging? Yeah. It's steel. It'll come off. It made it better. Yeah, it depends on what he's using to attach them, I guess. Like, maybe the Vandal should see this and be like, okay, maybe I don't have to go epoxy. Yeah.

For the eye. A little Velcro. Yeah, just a little Velcro. Yeah, too easy to take off. Yeah. A little harder than that. Like, maybe, I don't know. Gorilla glue.

Yeah. Just put some hot water on it, rub it out. No one cares. But that is amazing. And we've always supported making everyone's life a little bit better. Well, want people to come to bend what better way to come to do that what better way to come yeah i've been seeing googly eyes on a family of deer so my dad always said nothing makes me come as fast as googly eyes googly eyes on a googly eyes on a statue on a white tail on a white tail anyway we going hunting today I've got to fill out your prison forms.

Ben's pretty liberal, too. Okay. Aren't they? So shouldn't they just be kind of okay with that? Fine with all the things? Yeah. I'm not sure how googly eyes and liberal-tisms relate, but here we are. Well, you can make the connection if you want.

You can do this on your own. I'm sure Zach can fill us in. He only knows a lot about communism. Let's start the show, Zach! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Oh, by the way.

What? Mariner's got the third pick in the draft. Who are they getting it? I don't know. They'll fuck it up. Another pitcher. Doesn't matter.

They'll fuck it up. I hope not. We already have a good pitching team. I know. Go get a batter. They just love losing games two to one. All right, so here's how we're going to start the show.

Would you rather have to read aloud every word that you read, no matter what it is? I think you know the answer to that one, Joe. If you can. Or sing everything you say out loud. That's so easy for me Because I already sing out loud all the time Not everything Your mom is in the hospital

She gonna die Her legs got ripped off in a car accident And her heart's about to explode She wanted me to let you know That she doesn't have a wheel And you get nothing And her heart's about to explode. She wanted me to let you know. That she doesn't have a will. And you get nothing. Nothing.

Nothing. When she dies. Oh. Right? I'm here. You're still poor. Your mom didn't save up shit. You're still poor. Your mom didn't save up shit. You're still poor. Your dad didn't save up shit. You're still poor.

Oh, nine grand. Yay. You actually have to pay off their credit cards. Guess what? You're still poor. You're fired. You do a terrible job at work. So you're fired. Yeah, exactly. You do a terrible job at work. So you're fired.

I'm about to come. Where do you want it? All right. Get your titties ready, because I'm about to explode. Where do you want it? Tell me, where do you want it? How do you want it? Tell me where do you want it? How do you want it? Tupac. How does it feel? Coming up as

an African-American in the rap game. There we go. That'll play. This is going to be off to a roaring start today. I didn't say anything. You didn't say nothing. He said it. It's a good song. It is a good song.

So read everything. So Cassie and I have called this out to each other. We both do this. We travel and we go to a city. And you're just driving around and you just read stuff. You're like, oh. Owen's Laundry. You're just looking around and reading stuff to each other.

That means you're getting older. My grandpa and grandpa, you're driving in a car. They're just reading signs that are irrelevant to anything that's going on. Just showing people you can read. Which is more than you can do.

That's true. So you don't have this argument. What if I was just like, stumbling over the words? Oh if I was just like, What does that say? You're stumbling over the words. Oh, look. Guns, TV, and... What's that word with the V, honey?

That's video. Video. Video. No, it's video. You know how Ozzy Osbourne, like, But when he sings, it's like he enunciates everything. Enunciates? Screw up the word while I'm trying to make a point.

You know Ozgosh more enunciates everything. Fuck yeah, dude. Oh, God. I mean, singing everything is chipper, but it is annoying. Pass me the plate, please. Mm-hmm. Need a plate, so put this hamburger. Especially, think about like your wife or your girlfriend just being, she's like just

pissed at you for whatever reason. And then you did something again. Always something. What did I do this time to make you so mad? Oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh I'll just get the pillow And head out to the couch I don't want to fight any longer

Doobity bow Plus there's a game, it's a late night game And I want to watch Gonzaga play Yeah, 8 o'clock game This is perfect for me It's a good time to be in a fight with you. You can't... You can stay in the bed.

I'll go to the couch. Fuck you with me and the Zags. Yeah. Oh my God, baby, did the condom break? I don't know. Let me check real quick. Oh, shit. It did.

Yes, it did. Yes, it did. You're pregnant. Katie, don't the musical. You gotta get an abortion, because I ain't gonna have kids. You're pregnant, the musical? Hello? Give my regards to Broadway.

I would go watch You're Pregnant, the musical. It's twins. What are we gonna do? We went and watched Wicked this past weekend. Yeah. Yeah, I brought the kids. I mean, I'm not a musical fan. Have you seen Wicked?

No. Okay. Are you gonna see it? No. Okay. Are you going to see it? No. Great movie as far as musicals go. But what the fuck, dude? I mean, people, apparently a lot of them, it's breaking records, love musicals. And there's a separation in my brain between a stage, like watching a performance musical,

and then going to a movie theater musical and my brain just has like this divider that really has a hard time crossing like there's action all the shit's happening in a movie and they walk into a room and the door shuts and you're like fuck no here we go yeah ezra was doing he's sitting next to me he He goes, I swear to God, if they sing right now, it's like, I'm sorry. Yeah. How will I get out of this alive? With Wicked, in particular, I guess a lot of musicals, they start in normal conversation and then someone hints.

Uh-huh. And you're just like, and Ezra just kept looking at me like, fucking A, dude. If I only had a brain. If I only had a brain. If I only had a brain. Listen, I know what you're trying to do back there! And I'm really sorry that I didn't listen to you. I promise that

I care! And then you turn to the camera. That I care! I'll care forever! I care! Speaking of caring, did you get the tap shoes I bought you For your birthday Yes I did

Oh shit Here's a broom Oh an umbrella Perfectly placed umbrella Scooby-Doo-Bat-Bow Just popping it in and out It's like Where the fuck

You guys come from The funny thing is So I just went to I talked about it last week, I think, the high school musical, Beauty and the Beast. And the separation you're talking about from stage to movie is funny because on stage, there's a certain expectation with a musical or a play that there's a dramatic effect to everything.

And it's like, oh, but it's expected. It's like, they're not expecting you to be this great actor it's like you can be a great actor but it's still a little over the top because it's a play or a musical and everyone's 20 feet away from you you don't have cameras that can zoom way in so that one eye twitch actually says everything that you have to sing about yeah yeah it's it's just different the way that gestures and stuff are. But when you're in a serious movie, and then they start to sing, and it's like you have this serious actor, and it's just...

Yeah. You got the technology that eliminates all of that. There's an audience break on a play. And then they go, the big the big buildup, and then... And then it's like... But in the movie... Then they run back to their... They get their costume changed.

They just move in. The scene changes. The curtains close. Someone comes out and goes, And this wasn't the first time she had diarrhea. Yeah, exactly. You're like, what? That just doesn't happen with a movie so like you're just in this weird musical that she had to go to the store and get toilet paper again and the curtains like yeah

here i'm in line again i'm so dehyd. These self-checkout stands are unbearable. Yeah, you get it. Anyway, so would you rather read everything out loud or sing everything? Sing. I still think I'm on board with singing everything. Okay. I mean, you're going to have a hard time making friends, but I think I'm there. I hate reading.

Brian, do you have that report? I got it done yesterday. I'm trying to be a better person. Doing a stomp act? If everything you did not just sing, but you had to turn into a musical where you're doing all this stuff. You're delivering awful

news. The doctor, the bed, he's like, I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but we couldn't save him. We couldn't save him. It was a gloomy night. Or even better, the doctor is normal and you're up to sing. Oh, yeah. You have cancer.

Oh, no! And the doctor is looking for the audience. And it's terminal. You have seven months to live. That's not very long. Oh, no. Oh, dear. I've got lots to do.

Where will I start? Where in the future? Where will I start? Or will I come unglued? And then the people in the hospital, in the emergency room, the waiting room, they're all looking at you. And you're just like. The woman behind the hospital, in the emergency room, the waiting room, they're all looking at you and you're just like... The woman behind the counter taking me... Clapping along to your increased heart rate.

Yeah. My heart's about to explode! I should have taken cholesterol medication or got on a diet. But I didn't do shit shit i sat on the couch i thought i was invincible turns out i'm not oh well no one will care in a couple of years i am a nothing i've always been a nothing and then someone comes in and wheels your your chair off it just pushes you off the stage

into a trash can all right yeah we'll sing everything we'll sing everything. We'll sing everything. Okay, moving off. What are you thinking about? Zach, fuck! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit.

What are you thinking about? Babe, is everything okay? Sorry, I was just having a nightmare I have chlamydia Are you okay? Yeah And so do you Is there something on your brain?

You have AIDS You've got the AIDS AIDS AIDS You've got the Clap Got the clap

Baby shark What were you expecting, lobster? So we were, you know, you know, you know. I went home for Thanksgiving. Back home, saw the family. Great trip. Had a lot of fun. And on the way back, we were driving the rental vehicle back to Boise, Idaho.

Oh, okay. It's the capital of the great state. That's where I was born. It's a clean town. Do you say, do you get mad at people that say Boise instead of Boise? No. Okay. Because I'd probably say it wrong, too.

You say Z or S? Boise. Boise. You find the middle a little bit, don't you? I think so. Boise. Boise. Boise.

Boise. When we were driving back, and Cassie took the car. She goes, you guys want to know a neat fact? She goes, you guys know the lines on this freeway are 10 feet long? And I was like, no. Like, just kind of, I mean, kind of, being a dick. The dashes? The dashes are 10 feet long.

Okay? And I went, no, there's no way. No, there's no way. Mm-hmm. That's what I said. And I'm sitting there, and I'm looking at it stop it we're going to get there Brian just save your fingers okay

I don't want you to get tired I want you to wear yourself out over there I gotta link it everything I gotta figure it out and I'm watching and we're driving and I'm like I was like ow so you're telling me this car is 30 feet long because I'm trying to line up the line stripe to the length of the cars.

And she goes, no, it is. And I was like, look it up. She's getting frustrated. She was just trying to drop a cool fact on the family. And you're questioning it. And I'm like, you're an idiot. I open the door and push her out. Goodbye!

You can count it from there, bitch. How long are your intestines? You get it. i i was being you know basically like a stubborn dick and i was like well she goes why don't why can't i just i'm telling you i'm not asking you i'm telling you but i need a reference i know you gotta prove it and i was like but i'm looking at it with my eyes and there's no fucking way like i mean i'll give you i'll give you four feet, give you six feet. I was like, ten feet. And she goes, yeah.

And then the space in between them was like 30-something feet. And I was like, get the fuck out of my car! You're lying to my kids! It's one thing to lie to me! Don't you dare lie to my children. Get the duct tape!

This is a lying bitch! Get the stapler! She's never gonna talk again! I need a rope, I need some tape, and a shovel! I need tape, stapler, and a new fucking girlfriend! None of that happened, but I was being a dick. Like, not blatant, just being dismissive. Because that doesn't sound right.

And I'm fucking wrong. Really? Yeah. You want to see it? I do want to see it. Alright, so, many underestimate the white dashes on lines, okay? And you might think, and this is a common thing, you're like, okay, well, they adjust the dashes, maybe it's not the same, and

Boise! No, this is a fucking nationwide thing. Okay? Here you go. We're going to Columbus, Ohio, just to prove my point. Cassie's point. People underestimate the length of the white dashed lines painted down the middle of the road, indicating that many drive too fast. See, I don't think I'm driving too fast.

I'm driving the speed limit, or 10 over. Study leader Dennis Schaefer of Ohio State University and colleagues tested more than 400 college students in three experiments. When asked to guess the length of the lines from memory, most answered two feet. That seems about right when you just think about it. Yep, just two feet. Okay? Just for reference, the biggest dick in the world is 14 inches. That's two of the biggest dicks. Is that in this article? it. Yep. Just two feet. Okay? Just for reference, the biggest dick in the world

is 14 inches. That's two of the biggest dicks. Is that in this article? No. Oh. They left that out? No, this is can you don't stuff. So the real answer is 10 feet. And that's the federal guideline for every street, highway, and rural road in the United States. So even downtown?

Beautiful downtown Spokane. Where dash lines separate traffic lanes or indicate where passing is allowed. Okay? Okay. So the study published in the, don't cares, found even when the students were standing some distance away from actual 10-foot lines

or riding by them in a car, they judged the size to be the same. Two feet. Okay, so here's where it gets a little wild. Like, it's one thing for the dash length, right? You're like, okay, maybe ten feet. Each dash line measures ten feet

and the empty spaces in between measure thirty feet. That's crazy. So every time a car passes a new dash line, the car has traveled forty feet. But in the study, people consistently judge the lines and the empty spaces to be the same size, claiming they're both two feet. See, I wouldn't have done that.

I wouldn't have been like, everything's fucking two feet. I don't know. But that, pull up the picture real quick, Zach. That's a smoke machine. Yeah. It has nothing to do with what I'm talking about. Well, you gotta scroll back up. Okay.

This one. This one. See, the angle of the road there makes it look like the gap is the same as that white line. Are you telling me it's an illusion? From this angle. And then, obviously, they get smaller and smaller and smaller. I think that's probably what people... Because you're driving...

Clearly, they're 10 feet, 8 feet, 4 feet, 3 feet, 2 feet. Yeah, all the way down to zero feet. Duh. I mean, anybody can see that. But most people, I think, are driving their car so it's at an angle, so the perspective is wrong. So, like, in that picture, that doesn't look like a 10-foot line, nor does it look like 30 feet. Right. It looks like maybe 3 feet with a 3-foot gap.

Here's how to, and this is what I said in my dumb argument of brain when i was talking to casper i'm like woman how's your small nice small brain idiot and i'm sitting there and i was like i was like no i was like the standard ceiling's eight feet you're fucking telling me this dash line is two feet higher than our ceiling a basketball hoop is 10 feet right so think about a basketball that's harder for my brain to lay down, besides just picturing a room. Like, you stand up and you see a ceiling. This is not ten feet. No, this is probably, what, seven? Seven, yeah.

But your standard is eight feet. That's what a ceiling is. So then you're telling me, you fucking idiot, that it's ten feet? And she goes, yeah. And I was like, okay. Well, what about You're doing the same thing! What about this? Where did it go?

And they have smaller dashes indicating if it's going to a bike lane. But the dashes that you're thinking about the ones that are on a freeway or a highway are 10 feet. So, like this picture here. Just say you're sorry.

That's what I did. Yes. But look how much smaller this one looks. Yes, illusion. Than that one. They're not getting smaller. Yeah. But this gap, this gap looks like the same length as this line here.

That doesn't, that looks, okay, let's say that's 10 feet. That doesn't look 30 feet. You're kidding. Yeah, I know. You're telling me. What the fuck is going on here with this? That guy got fired. He was like,

can I make shark teeth? For what? For fun? See, that's what I expect. Is that... This can't be correct. She's full of shit. Not only is she full of shit, Ohio State University Buckeyes are full of shit, too.

Everyone's lying to you. That's why they lost to Michigan. And following that link, I also was able to download a manual that shows you the guidelines to striping. And it's like, yeah, they're fucking 10 feet. Here we go. What's this? What's this little fella? What's this little guy?

Oh, great. Japanese. See, this is what I picture. That they're all basically the same. Yeah. Got the little dashes. We got the freeway. Look at it.

Look at it. Oh, would you look at this. Would you look at that. 4.5 meters. Oh, would you look at this. Look at it. Just look at it. First thing you got to do is got to look at it.

God. Well, I mean, if you want to help me with any sort of argument, but everything I was able to find. I'm just going to drive out and check it out. Yeah, just go lay down next to it and be like, God damn, dude. I'm going to take a tape measure. Sure. Whatever you got to do, bud. When you think about it, though, as far as you go on roads for fucking ever, neighborhoods, residential, whatever, all those lines are thought out to be... They're like, there is rhyme and reason.

It's not just, they're just going... Can you imagine if they were? Yeah, that's crazy. They're just like, yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. You just pick it up and paint whatever you want to do. People will get it. They'll get the idea. Yeah, whatever. You just pick it up and paint whatever you want to do. People will get it. They'll get the idea.

That's wild. Hey, guys, at canyadon'tpodcast.com. I bet you she felt really fucking cool, though. Is there anything better than just dropping information like that, and everyone around you thinks you're wrong, and then you're like, boop, boop, boop, boop, and you're right? I know. Are you fucking kidding me? I love that feeling.

Yeah, it didn't. I mean, it didn't, because Ezra wasn't buying it, either. me? I love that feeling. Yeah, I didn't. I mean, because Ezra wasn't buying it either. It didn't end well, though. You can see. Yeah, it did not. And in a little bit of a silent shoot. And I would trust him more than I would trust her. Yeah.

And Ezra's like, well, maybe they change it depending on how fast you're going. And I was like, ooh, he's got a point. And she goes, why are we even? I wasn't like, just look it up. Fucking leave me alone. This isn't open for interpretation. Dude, it's a thing. look it up. Fucking leave me alone. This isn't open for interpretation. It's a thing. Look it up.

Fuck off. See, that actually makes sense what Ezra's saying, though. Like, freeway is different than like city. It's like you're in my car right now. Yeah. Yes. Because I know I would have done the same thing. I'm not just going to be told something like that and just accept it.

Some guy's out there just painting stripes. He goes, well, get a little faster. And he's just changing the lane. Yeah. Whoa, slow down, slow down. Hey, woo. Like, okay, on a freeway, you go, the speed limit's 70. So you're driving at 40 with your spray truck.

And you're like, okay, I need to do it for three seconds. If you're going that fast. One, two, three. One, two, three. Like, I wonder, because you've followed him. I'm guessing the wheels track where the spray line comes out. Yeah, it rolls and then tells you where to put the next line. There's no way they're leaving that up for human interpretation.

Just some guy with a machine, like, hanging out the door. He's like, one Mississippi, two Mississippi. Yeah, exactly. One Mississippi, two Mississippi. Could you imagine doing that for 50 miles? No. On your freeway? One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three. But then you've got to have the gap. You've got to have a Mississippi, though. I know. You're going, one Mississippi, two Mississippi, one Mississippi, two Mississippi, one Mississippi, two Mississippi. One Mississippi, two Mississippi. One Wichita, two Wichita, three Mississippi, four Mississippi. One Mississippi to Mississippi. One Mississippi to Mississippi. One Mississippi to... One Wichita. Two Wichita.

Three Mississippi. Four Mississippi. And it changes the state you're in. One Boise. Two Boise. Yeah. One Florida. One Florida.

One Florida. Okay. Well, there you go. Just a little fact for everybody. That blew my mind. Because then as you slow down, you get off the off-ramp to get to the airport while you're in a silent treatment You can look over

And you're like oh fuck those are huge Oh when you start slowing down And then you apologize So you want to move on? Yeah But I'm just That whole scenario cracks me up Because you have two people that can love each other

So much And then you're fighting over fucking painted lines on her freeway to the point where you're like i just don't know what i see in you anymore you're like listen i knew i should have left you're on the verge of like calling it off she's like you know what i wonder how long this fucking ring is how how long how long do you think this ring will roll if I throw it out of the fucking window on the freeway?

You think it'll be ten feet, you fucking bitch? How many cars do you think it'll take to fucking destroy this diamond? Oh, nice! What's next? Shopping for diamonds with a dick in my dress? Yes!

Hello. Hi. All right, dick, Zach, roll it! Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. You want to take it?

I'll take it. Okay. I'm going to take that dick. Do it. Canada man jumps on polar bear to defend wife from attack. Here's a fact for you. If they were fighting before lines on the freeway before that, he wouldn't have jumped on that polar bear.

No. Like, their relationship had to have been impeccable standing. In that moment for him to be like, fuck, I'm going to jump on this polar bear. Like any little fight. Like on the way out the door before getting attacked by a polar bear. She was like, can you just pick your shoes up?

I trip over your shoes all the time. He goes, well, I'm leaving now. And he goes, yeah, but you weren't leaving six hours ago. And he's like, you walk out of here. He's like, should I move my shoes now? Where should I put my shoes, bitch? I love that.

She's getting attacked and you're like, one Mississippi, two Mississippi. She gets attacked by a polar bear and her shoes come off. You're like, pick up your shoes. Or you run over to help her and you trip over her shoes. Oh, roll your ankle. And then you're like, oh, I see how it is. Oh, I get it. Okay, I'll help you.

I get it, okay. I'll jump on this polar bear. Polar bears will fuck you up. Polar bears are the worst. Brown bears, black bears, grizzly bears, there are ways that you can get yourself out of a situation, sort of. But a polar bear, I think you're just... You're dead. You're in it.

You're in it. Yep. I've never met a polar bear I liked. Yeah, I haven't met any polar bears, but I know I don't like them. I've met two. They're both dicks. I met one at the zoo one time. We were there during the summer.

And it was a dick. It was 100 degrees. And there was a polar bear that was... Did he even care that you were there? No, he was swimming. Because he's fucking a polar bear in a zoo in the middle of the fucking summer shouldn't be here he doesn't belong here he belongs he belongs with the coca-cola at the north pole with santa claus sliding down the hill

everyone sliding into an ice hole is where he belongs. Not with the fucking gorillas and monkeys at the zoo. A man in Canada, far north, leapt onto a polar bear to protect his wife from being mauled, police say. Okay. The unnamed man.

I'm not giving you my name. Dude, that was crazy heroic. What's your name? Fuck you. I'm not telling you, dude. I'm not giving you my name. Dude, that was crazy heroic. What's your name? Fuck you. I'm not telling you, dude. Eat shit. I'm not telling you. Why would I tell you?

I'm not telling you, clipboard idiot. Get out of here. Get out of my driveway. Click. All right. I think we have all we need. Move your shoes, idiot. The unnamed man suffered serious injuries, but is expected to recover.

So she can never... Think about a situation. You saved your wife's life from a polar bear and then you leave your shoes in the doorway again. On the way in she tells you to move your shoes. Does she dare ever bring that up again? She comes home from the hospital and trips over

the shoes. She walks in from getting mauled by a polar bear and like you come in like after going to the hospital. With a walker. And you walk in and she have to go to the hospital and you walked in she goes dishes aren't gonna do themselves oh i would just let them pull i'd open the door and whistle for the polar bear come back oh my god just take her oh this time i won't hear her oh my god what Oh my God. What happened? Jerry! She's the only witness.

Yeah. So just let the bear get her next time. What time did this happen? The couple left their house around five o'clock local time. Okay. On Tuesday to find their dogs. Oh, to find their dogs. When a bear, which was in the driveway of their home lunged at the woman okay the incident happened in fort severin first nation a small community about 400 people

in the far north of ontario that is such a fucking canadian where do you live seven first seven first nation fifth block fourth drive. I live at 1157 Grand Drive, Fort Severn First Nation, Ontario. Fort Severn First Nation? Something like that. No, no. Fort Severn. 47? 47 Nation First?

Just leave. Just fucking give the package to the polar bear. I don't want fucking grandma's ginger snaps anyway. The woman slipped to the ground as her husband leapt onto the animal to prevent the attack. Okay. Police said in a statement. Yeah, we got it. The police said this.

We don't need to be told again. The bear didn't say it. Yeah. He leapt on me. Where were you? Driveway. I was in the driveway. Drinking a Coca-Cola.

He leapt on me. Minding my own business. Sledding. Drinking a Coke. You know, polar bear stuff. You know, polar bear stuff. The bear then attacked the male, causing serious but non-life-threatening injuries to his arm and leg. Can you imagine fighting a polar bear?

No. God. Terrible idea. A neighbor arrived with a gun and shot the bear several times. It retreated into the nearby woods where it died of its injuries. I love that. They're so badass. They can take a barrage of shots.

It died, but it's still got quite a ways away. Ow! God damn it. That's annoying! Oh, this is more than annoying. I don't want to inconvenience anybody. I'll go to the woods and die. The man was transported to

a community nursing station where he was treated for his injuries. Yeah, we get that. Nishnabi Askey police. Nishnabi? Sure. Can you do me a favor and find out how to pronounce that? I'm going with Nishnabi.

Nishnabi. I'm going to translate that too. To what? Never mind. To polar bear? Nishnabi Aski police said they continued to patrol the area to ensure no other bears were roaming the community.

Alyssa McCall. Huh? Go ahead. Alyssa McCall, a scientist at Polar Bear International. Sounds made up. Oh my god. What do we call this place? I don't know. Could we just call it Polar Bear Center? We got polar bears from all over the world here.

That doesn't sound... This is an international situation we got going on here. Okay, Polar Bear International. Told the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation that polar bears rarely attack humans. When an attack occurs, the bears are often hungry, young, and

unwell, she said. Young, dumb, and full of cum. I get it. Normally, bears are far from human settlements. Instead, preferring to spend their time at sea hunting ice seals. But climate change has led to temperature fluctuations,

breaking up ice, and in some cases driving bears inland to look for food. If you're attacked by a polar bear, definitely do not play dead. That is a myth. She told CBC, fight as long as you can. So that's the

thing. Is it grizzlies you can play dead? Is it grizzlies? It's brown bears, maybe. Polar bears, you just gotta... You play dead, they're like, sweet! Easier for me. Fuck you! Smash! Given you're in a situation i'd like to think i would jump on the back to like fight a polar bear for my kids

or for cassie i do or for you guys like someone that you like you love like you have a connection i'd like to think that i would jump up there and punch a polar bear. You're just going, hey! Hey! He's over there! Get, get, get out of there. That's a no. That's a no.

There's two of us and I'm, hey, get him! Hey, get him! Get him, get him, stick him! I'm going behind you and dancing. Woohoo, kill him! Kill, Joe! Kill him! I'm pushing you towards and dancing. Kill him! Kill him, Joe! Kill him! I'm pushing you towards him. Like a red thing, like a bull.

Here, kill him! His fucking name's with a Y. But I don't fucking... They're huge! What the fuck am I gonna do? Someone has to make mac and cheese. Basically what you've done when you do something like that is you're now... You've done when you do something like that is you're now you've accepted that you're giving your life

for the person that's being attacked right like that's the details of this article pissed me off too did the wife leave cause the only thing we heard is that she slipped and fell down get the fuck up she probably laid there and cried like a bitch

she just went like my wife just fell out of the, she slipped on the ice on our porch. That does hurt. The other day. And it does her ass's bruise on it like I've never seen it bruised before. Saying something. But it's funny because I, it's not funny

but she fell and I was like, what was that noise? I walk out and she's on the ground and I would, if I fell I'd'd just be like, oh, fuck. And people would be like, are you okay? Just let me fucking be. But she was like, she was crying because that's what, you know, she does. She cries. And so I'm kind of like doing the, you okay?

Like the. The broomstick. The padding. Yeah. You're padding it with a broom. I was like, do you want me to help you up? No, just... So this woman was probably walking down her driveway,

slipped, fell on her ass, and laid there. Oh! And the husband was like, fuck. Guess I didn't have ride a polar bear on my bingo card. She was probably pissed. For Tuesday! He didn't put down the de-icer, the de-icer so she slipped so she's

already pissed about that and the shoes but how upset would you be if you were riding a polar bear by the way everybody yeah chill out yeah calm down we're just kidding but like if you were riding you're trying to save somebody's life riding a polar bear and then they just stayed there and they're just watching you ride a polar bear it's chomping your legs you're like go what am i doing this for save yourself they're like no this is fucking cool yeah like they're just watching it you're like leave like wow that's how a polar bear eats yeah i've always wanted to see this you're like get the fuck out of here real life polar bear attack. Wow. Pork chop sandwiches. Run, leave.

Get the fuck out of here. But you're standing there, and you just get chomped on, and the bear leaves. Get shot, and then nobody. It's just like a waste of time. Yeah. You're like, damn, dude, I could have just sat here and watched this polar bear and not had to jump on the back of it because you just sat here and watched me. Yeah. Yeah.

So there's that. But that's some wild shit. I bet you that's what happened happened i bet you it is uh you want to hear the next story i would love to i bet you do splash pads really are fountains of fecal matter cdc reports i've never really thought about splash pads like this so i want to bring it in and just ruin everyone's life. Any communal water thing is gross to me. Well, I mean, just a pool? Yes. Okay, but they throw a ton of chlorine. I know, but it's still gross. Because my own kids are like spitting

in it and snotting in it and everything, and that's just my kids in the short period of time that I'm there. Think about all the other fucking kids. Resting their dick on the urinal ledge? Yeah. Kids. Yeah, they do do that. Why?esting their dick on the urinal ledge. Yeah. Kids. Yeah, they do do that. Why?

Get your dick off the urinal thing. Because they don't think about germs and stuff. This is a great place for a dick. And they're not wrong. This is actually a pretty good place for a dick involved. Well, the guy at the race track. State Line Speedway. He had his dick on the trough.

I have nightmares about that guy. Yeah. Eating a sandwich, putting his dick on the trough. Yeah, he got a beer sandwich and a dick on the trough. Yeah, got a beer, sandwich, and a dick on the trough. What's he doing right now? That guy? That state line speedway's closed. Man.

For the season. Not forever. Don't worry. It's going to open back up Spokane. Just chill out. Just chill out. It's race season's coming, buddy. Okay, so there's nothing quite like a deep dive into the shallow, vomitous puddles of

children's splash beds. Even towing the edge is enough to have one longing for the unsettling warmth of a kiddie pool. But the brave souls of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have done it, wading into 25 years worth of records of gastrointestinal outbreaks linked to wellsprings of fecal pathogens. And they unsurprisingly found enough fetch-inducing results to make any modern-day Jon Snows want to start removing some water handles. This is an example of whoever wrote the article needs to calm down. Just tell me.

Enough references and jokes. I don't need the references. Just brave needs to calm down. Just tell me. Enough references and jokes. I don't need the references. Just brave people at the CDC. Just stop it. Between 1997 and 2022, splash pads across the country were linked to at least 60 outbreaks, with the largest sickening over 2,000 water frolickers in one go. A water frolicker? Mm-hmm. go. A water frolicker. In all, the outbreaks led to at least 10,611

illnesses, 152 hospitalizations, and 99 emergency department visits. People, mostly children, were sick and with pathogens including, not even going to try. You want to try? Oh, salmonella. I got that one. Bad ones. Where was it?

Right here. No one's reading these. Crypto, like Bitcoin? Sure, yeah. Giardia. I got Giardia and Samanoa. And Shigala. Cryptosporidium.

So here's one, is what, like there was one sentence in here that fucked me up. And really is the reason I tossed it in the show today. It was about leaky diapers. Splash pads are... I mean, they're a great form of entertainment.

And they're free. They're free. You show up. You sit down. And you just hope for a solid half hour to 45 minutes before some other kid blasts your kid in the face with a fucking water gun. Then you have to deal with that.

But you're just hoping for a little 30, 45 minute break where you can sit at a picnic table, maybe under an aspen tree here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest. Just hearing the leaves do the little leaf thing and watching your kids run around. But that leaky diaper where they get because they have to wear it you can't just have them straight up shit in the splash pad but it's not like their diapers are doing much

and they squish that and that diaper piss goes right back into the same water that is now filling up the big fun bucket that pours onto every kid's head and that is america anyway so what are you doing over there i try so hard i know to avoid i was happy to watch like you don't even put your phone down in a stall No I try so hard

To avoid anything And I know You just can't avoid everything There's certain things you just have to Like lick a butthole or whatever Eventually You're gonna taste a little butt It's just you know

You do not want E. coli though That is the fucking worst ever You've had it When just you know but i do not want ecoli though that is the fucking worst ever you've had it yeah when did you get that uh four or five years ago i remember i remember watching it go down remember taco bell back in the 90s yeah that almost killed taco bell shit in the meat where did you get it from uh pizza place here in spokane yeah we're not gonna name names no no they could have definitely mozzarella is it maddie mozzarella mozzarella it's right next door Spokane. Yeah. We're not going to name names. No. Matt Mozzarella. Matty Mozzarella. It's right next door to one of my favorite restaurants. I should probably warn people,

although I haven't heard about it anymore. You're basically shitting and puking at the same time for days. I lost 15 pounds in like two days. Hell of a diet. There's nothing better. As much as I hate being sick, it's a nice reset. When I hate being sick, I like to,

it's a nice reset because when you're that sick, all you feel like eating is like good stuff, like fruit and just like drinking water. At least I do. And then I'm like, I just can't wait to like get back, get like actually eating good. And then I haven't eaten for six days.

So the first thing I want to do is eat a giant pizza. And that's what I ended up doing instead of eating better. Yeah. So fuck me. Here's a little sentence here. Specifically, some will vomit or poop directly into the water. Come on. Stick with me here.

While others become super spreaders simply because they haven't mastered toilet skills yet. The CDC notes that small children can have up to 10 grams of stool stuck in their butts at any moment. Poop. Pee, pee, pee. According to some crack scientists modeling. That's about 10, this is a weird measurement, that's about 10 standard paper

clips worth of excrement. And small children tend to stand directly over jets so it's a bidet allowing any fecal matter stuck in their bums to wash out in their swim diapers so what you're just saying right there when there's a pool that we go to during the summer that's by our house just putting their open mouths over the jets they have the the they're in the pool but they shoot straight up and the kids will go over and like stand on them or they'll sit on them. And the lifeguards are always like, hey, they're very strict at this place.

Yeah. But I just picture that like some little kid with a diaper and like water wings on sitting on that thing. And it's just, it's like a bidet. It's just shooting all this shit. And then it's getting down to the thing. And then, yeah, now I'm swimming in it Then it shoots over and comes out of the bear feature No, it's right next to the mushroom. Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah The water sprayers coming out there Yeah Or the like the one they get to push the button and it makes a shower through a tree a big foam tree Just shit water coming out of there and the kids like Walking over, hugging you, rubbing it on your towels, and you take everyone's shit and piss back to your house?

Well, then they're wearing their goggles and shit, so they're taking those on and off, and every time they do that, they're sucking up more poop water and putting it on their eyes. Good stuff. I wanted to bring this up because at least for a lot of the country, it's not Splash Bad season. so maybe

i guess ruin next summer should we move on yes okay let's get the fuck out of here petty beef that's my petty beef what that's my petty beef this kid's shit water zach play it silence in the court you are now entering the petty beef courtroom where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated the The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. Have you, like, thought more about licking buttholes, though, since we talked about it?

No. You never, like, done even a little bit? It comes up online quite a bit. Oh, a lot online. Yeah, people, people passionately. People are disappointed that I, they're like, oh, look at this fucking guy, he doesn't lot online. Yeah, people... People are passionate. People are disappointed that I... They're like, oh, look at this fucking guy. He doesn't eat ass.

Yeah, it's not as bad. Oh, weird. Is that weird that I don't eat ass? Is that fucking weird? Am I weird? Yeah, a little bit, I guess. You definitely don't want to eat Goliath. I just don't think you love...

Do you love anybody? Enough to eat their ass? Mm-hmm? No. If that determines how much I love someone, then I guess I don't love the person I'm with. I know. We know. We all know. We all know.

Would you let someone eat your ass? Yes. I don't want anybody rummaging around down there. Speaking of eating ass, I think Seth sent in quite a bit of things about sucking assholes. Quick little baby announcement before we get into the beef. He said, sup fucking noodlehead dads? Guess what? Your new granddaughter was born.

Yay! I decided to go with the family name. She's called Josie Paisley Jensen. Just kidding. You wish. Ha ha ha! It's Joe Brian Jensen? It's Maya. Maya, ha, ha. It's Joe Brian Jensen. It's Maya.

Maya Jensen. Maya. Maya. She's not my first child, but she's my worst. No. She's not my first child, but she's my first daughter, and I'm scared shitless. Any advice on keeping her away from boys besides keeping her locked in the basement? Love you guys.

P.S. I need a newborn can-you-don't onesie. Just let her have the basement. Love you guys. P.S. I need a newborn can you don't onesie. Just let her have let her have the basement she can set up her OnlyFans account down there and

pay for whatever she needs down there. There's no advice you'll figure it out before that becomes a problem. Just baby OnlyFans. Stop it.

Boff. Moving on to the Petty Beef. Are you ready? So this was it's funny because uh these emails are spaced out between the birth of the new daughter and so my girlfriend thinks i jerk my jerkin too much and gets mad when i do you ain't leaving any for her dog we don't have much sex due to us always being busy and having two five-year-olds so now i have to do it when I wake up or get home early.

I can't help it. I'm a very sexual guy and she turns me on. Am I in the wrong? Should I choke the chicken less? On average, I spank the monkey five times a week, maybe two football fields worth. That's once a day?

That's totally reasonable. Of spanking it? Yeah. Okay. Absolutely. Especially when you have little kids, if you're not having sex spanking it? Yeah. Okay. Absolutely. Especially when you have little kids, if you're not having sex. Is it like an out of sight, out of mind thing in your relationship? Like your wife knows that you jerk off, but just doesn't want to know about it?

Yeah. I think so. Yeah. She doesn't ask you about it? Yeah. Like, hey, did you jerk off today? Yeah, because it's, you know, like what kind of conversation is that yeah it's like it's just it's you don't want to embarrass the person you know it's not it's not you it's just who i am as a person yeah it's not it has nothing

to do with you it's just because but also unless you don't know how it feels like even as a woman if you're like very sexual and you need orgasms like you just it's not sometimes you just are in the mood and you just do it. Just get out of the way. And not have to trouble other people with your selfishness. At least a guy, if you're just the urge and you go rub one out, it completely changes your mindset the rest of the day. Because you're not thinking all day about, Oh, God, I've got to fuck something. I'm going to put it. So it's like, you're not thinking all day about, oh god, I gotta fuck something.

I'm gonna put it. So it's like, you just do that and then it's like, it clears your, it truly does, it's like, it clears your mind and you focus on something else. Hard reset. Zach, do you jerk it? Yes, I do. Fuck yeah. And only someone who has that urge can understand. So if you're a woman

and you do have the urge, maybe you understand. If you're a woman and you don't have that urge, then you probably think, why are you jerking off so much? They probably don't get it. And then they think, is he jerking off because he is not attracted to me? And it's like, no, I am attracted to you. You just won't have sex with

me. But what happens is maybe he needs to make a better effort to get her in the mood. Because I know as a guy, I could be cleaning up dog shit and my brain wandering off and be like, oh, sex would be cool. I'm cleaning up dog shit and I'm in the mood. Where a woman might need a little conversation. Romance. a woman might need a little conversation, maybe some romance, and having a conversation, some compliments,

or whatever it takes to get there, guys are just ready to go. If you bump into my wiener, I'm ready to go. I've had that talk in my relationship where I have not jerked off, but I just wasn't normal, horny guy stuff.

And she's like, what what happened did you jerk off and I'm like no she goes well you were naked you didn't even try to fuck and I was like I don't know you got stuff to do could be a testosterone but also that I'm not always just fuck

way more than most people I'm down to fuck but just like sometimes I'm not doesn't mean I just came. Just means like, I don't know. I'm also being respectful of your boundaries in a sense, too. Like, you got a five-year-old, you're tired, we're working. I'm just going to go fucking jerk it instead of being like, hey, you want to stop everything you're doing and have a dick? You want to have a dick sandwich?

Because for you, it's just like, you just need to... And it might not be the same for her It's a whole show and you don't want to feel like you go through if you're jerking off instead of having sex That's when it's gonna become a problem But if you can jerk off as many times as you want to Seth and you're still ready to fuck when it's time to fuck I think you just gotta just keep jerking that dick. A lot of women look at porn as like cheating kind of. Have you guys come across that? I have.

I hear people talk about that, but I've never had a personal experience with that. I wouldn't view it as cheating. I also think that there's that weird line, too, of watching porn and then shit that you like in real life that actually turn you on versus watching porn and something you're like you're like i don't know why this is working right now but here we go doesn't mean that you want that doesn't mean that you like that it just means like i don't know i just got my dick out and this worked so here's here's a scenario you looked at big black dick fucking Fucking how many pussies? There's no blood in my brain right now.

Calm down. And you're like, no, it's not like that's the only thing. It just worked right then. I don't know. You want six women wearing Santa suits with beards? So you can come in the beard and scoop it out? No, it was just so weird. And it come in the beard and scoop it out no it was just it was just so weird and it worked in the moment i don't fucking know doesn't mean that's what i want there are so many weird porn things that's like i don't i don't get off on the idea of a stepdad banging his

stepdaughter but it just so happens that maybe the the actors were maybe the actors were hot and that was the scenario. It had nothing to do with the fact that the situation is what made it hot. Did you guys see that girl that did the 100 guys? She's going to do 950. The video after, how depressed she was and how sad she was. But you know what? She just announced she's going to go for the record of like 950 in 24

hours. Yeah, she can't be that sad. I mean, see, I know what you're talking about. I saw the video, but I think some time has probably passed and she's like, I'm ready to do it again. Yeah, I don't know. I'm horny again. So what I was going to say was I think the scenarios could be a little bit different. If I think about

from how if I would feel jealous or how I would feel about something. So if my, if my wife was watching porn because of the act of sex and it was turning her on and she was masturbating or whatever, versus like, let's say she's watching a Brad Pitt movie and then another, but it's like, because it it's like she's fascinated with a certain person like if I was watching If I was just jerking off at sharp fucking Olivia Munn Movies I'm just like cuz I love Olivia Munn so much. I'm jerking off to that doing it for me anymore

Yeah, like I feel like that's a little bit different where it's like you're looking for something specific in a certain look in someone Then they could take it as like you're looking for something specific in a certain look in someone. Then they could take it as like, oh, you don't find me attractive. The porn thing is just, this is a hot scenario. It's just sex. There's nothing more than no emotion, just sex. And I just need something to get me excited so I can jerk off. I think for me, as long as it doesn't play in like if yeah if cassie was masturbating a bunch and then not having sex with me i'd be like oh man you'd feel like you're

something yeah well i just be like gosh dang it man i'll do it like i don't like you don't like it anymore but i don't want to be around anymore here's the thing though maybe your guys maybe your guys's sex could be great oh it is but there's something about a solo thing that she when she's doing it herself she it you just don't have to worry about other people you just fucking get it out and move on it might be there might be might be better in a different way so don't plant things in my head like sex sex could be great with you but there's something about when she's alone and she can maneuver the way that she knows exactly how to marry

I know what she likes Brian maybe are you trying to break us up does she have a certain dental pattern maybe you're going the counterclockwise she's more of a clockwise person I am fuck why'd you tell me

you end with a twist she likes a poke yeah but you also like you still love each other yeah it's like this is this works fucking i think masturbation is healthy and there's a lot of people that want to make you think that masturbation is a sin and it's awful and it's like well then why would they why would it feel so good if you're not supposed to do it because one of my my favorite quotes is if god didn't want us putting things in our asshole he would have gave it a gag reflex you know what i mean like our throat yeah you're getting it i should move on to some good news again real quick are you trying to come

no again i've said this on so many petty beefs really is it comes down to just have a conversation about it. I think just keep jerking off and don't even worry about it. Well, yeah, keep jerking off, but I'm saying go to her and say why does it bother you or whatever. I think you tell her you don't even jerk off anymore and just keep doing it. No, because you don't want to hide shit. Hiding shit gets too complicated.

I think you should tell her the kid's not hers. I think just keep jerking off and just tell her he doesn't do it anymore See how that works See how that goes Yeah, have a conversation I think you just gotta get everything out there in the open While you're jerking off You have a conversation and you're just like

I don't know, here's the thing While you're just stroking Here's the thing i actually just had uh my wife and i had a long conversation the other night about just general stuff work life money everything and i today actually went to where she was working sperm bank and she asked me to bring her something so i brought her something i was like all right here's your thing. And I also had a thought. I think we should just once a month, at the very least, sit down and have a conversation to make sure everything is going well. I mean, like, sit down, have a conversation, dinner.

Is there anything that's bothering you right now as far as relations stuff? Are you hitting on me? Hmm? Are you hitting on me right now as far as relations stuff you know are you hitting on me hmm are you are you hitting on me right now you'd know you're talking about you and your wife you'd know it if i was hitting on you weren't talking about you and me going for it for dinner no you and your wife oh yeah zach i'm not the only one that took it that way did you i don't know that you were talking about my wife and i did this but here's what i think we should do. Oh, no. I was telling her this is what I think we should do. I was like, dude, we can, but I'd be like, yeah, good, good.

All right. And then he's like, just like throw food at each other. We would. We'd just crack jokes. But no, I truly think like, because whenever we start having problems, it's because she got upset for whatever reason. And then I'm annoyed because she's upset, and it's like, I don't think you should be upset.

So then it just goes on for a month or two. We barely talk, don't have sex, all that kind of stuff. So I was like, just once a month, let's just get together and just have a check-in. Is there anything that is bothering you? And come to it with, like, be open. If there's something bothering you, you need to tell me so I can go, oh, okay, I'm doing that. Oh, okay, you're wrong. Now I can figure out a way to fix it, what I'm doing. Or at least acknowledge that, okay, I guess I am doing that.

And then, so hopefully it won't go on for two or three months and you fucking are hating each other and all that so communication and in a relationship is the most important thing my yep i agree and i think that fixes so many things and sex and but i think that um so if you're not if you're wanting more sex i think that's one thing you should be able to bring up. And if you agree to have this conversation and she's like, well, I just don't want to have sex because blah, blah, blah. Then now you can start figuring that out. Like, why doesn't she want to have sex? Get her in the mood to have sex. Then you get more sex.

Because we'll go on a roll like you might have sex for two, three days in a row. And then I feel like I'm good for a couple of days. I don't feel that like I need to have, like when you say you're laying there naked, if it had been a couple of weeks, like, yeah, that's all I'm thinking about. But if we just had sex the previous two, three days and I'm laying there naked, I'm like,

eh, it's like, I can take it or leave it because I feel like it's been there. Yeah. You know? I think leave it. I'll just go jerk off. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Then jerking off is not so bad. You're not like, it's been there. Yeah. You know? They leave it all, just go jerk off. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, then jerking off is not so bad. You're not like, it's just me. It's just me and you, buddy. Yeah. You're the only one

that really truly knows me. That's ever by my side. Mm-hmm. Oh, don't throw up. Oh, no, not on that.

Oh, no, you're always getting sick, but we always have a conversation and you throw up. You always, every time we have a conversation, you always get sick and throw up. You always get sick and throw up. I get dizzy and you throw up.

I'm just going to put you in my pants. Never listen to me. Good advice, Brian. Here's some good news. Guess what? Heading back to Boise. Zach! So you're telling me there's a chance.

Hooray. we aren't doomed. Yeah! Here's a little set up question. Yeah! Have you ever been delayed on an airplane flight? Sure have, Joe. Who hasn't? How many dead bodies can we find?

The kids still love that. United Airlines pilot Scott Wardle hates his last name, but he's still a nice guy. Said he had to do something for his passengers because they were stuck at an airport for hours. And pizza seemed like a great idea. Is pizza ever not a great idea? Has anyone ever ordered pizza in a situation and it hasn't lifted up the entire event or room? I mean, corporate offices have been banking on that

exact thing for decades. You guys want raises? Nah, let's do a pizza party instead. You want pepperoni? Yeah. I mean, not as much as a raise. Well, if I can raise this pizza to your face. Air Force veteran United Airlines pilot Scott Wardle

said he loves his job. It's a cool office. You have a good view, Wardle said he loves his job. It's a cool office. You have a good view, Wardle said. God. You have jobs, and then you have jobs. And this is a great job. I like what I do. Wardle is based in Boise, but he spends a lot of his time in the friendly skies.

They get to see different places, take people to different locations, see them go on family vacations, he said. In September, one of his flights took a term. And then murder their families! How's Disneyland now? Well, it started out like any other day. I was supposed to go to Houston, and then from Houston to Phoenix.

We never made it there, Wardle said. Houston, we have a problem. Yep, about 45 minutes in, I got a call. We had a medical issue with one of the passengers. He passed out and we happened to have two medics and a nurse on the airplane to help,

but the question was, what am I going to do now? Wardle decided to land the plane at the nearest airport, which was in Albuquerque. Over the loudspeaker, he let the passengers know

they were going to make an unplanned landing to get the passenger in distress some help. Always something! I haven't shared that story yet. Took a wrong turn in Albuquerque. I'll have to share the old always something airplane story here shortly.

Just reminded me of that. We got down, got the plane landed. The paramedics. Paramedics? You got the animaniacs. What a terrible group that would be. You think you're going to die? You're having a heart attack and you land and the Animaniacs run into the airplane?

Boing, boing, boing. With a stretcher? Get into the water tower. Oh, my God. The paramedics were waiting for us, he said. All these people were also getting off the airplane. I told them we're going to have a couple hour delay. But then I found out my flight attendants just timed out.

They work too many hours. That means they can't go with me on the next flight. Wartle said that meant a much longer delay while the passengers waited for the new crew to fly in. I made sure to confirm that they were on the way with the company. And then I thought, I got to do something with all these people. And he started stripping. Just kidding. It was dinner time.

Here comes the airplane. Coming in for a landing. Coming in for a landing. Open your mouth, Greg. It was dinner time, and the airport food court was not far from closing up shop for the night. So I started exploring some options

at that point for what I wanted to do. I came up with the idea of doing some pizza for everyone. It's an easy thing. Most people like pizza. I like this guy. I don't fucking know. Who doesn't like pizza? Get your camera out of my face. I had to do the math. I had

155 people. How many pieces of pizza do I need? Wardle then ordered dozens of pizza. When they arrived, he even served the pizza to the passengers. Again, just going back to... He's like... Ward will then order dozens of pizza when they arrived he even served the pizza to the passengers you get the idea Again, just going back to he's like yeah Just this guy so relatable I had some cheese some pepperoni some kind of meat and vegetable thing

We lined everyone up and started a buffet right there on the ticket counter and got everyone fed so hats off to this pilot Think about this thinking so the guy gets the pizza. He's a pilot an airline pilot mm-hmm, and got everyone fed. So hats off to this pilot. Think about this. Thinking. So the guy gets the pizza. He's a pilot, an airline pilot. Mm-hmm. And he starts going, here comes the airplane coming for landing. And he's like, meh. He starts making planes. And smashing it into your lap.

Yeah, he's like making. We're all dead! Making plane crash jokes from the pilot. Here comes the cleanup crew. It's more pieces of pizza. Animaniacs. In there, dad. Smash it into some lady's chest.

What a massacre. What a massacre. Three pieces of pizza smashed into some lady's. He's like, oh, man. What a massacre. Who knew that dead people taste so good? And then slaps him and moves to the next person. Open up.

Oxygen things. Open up. Here comes the airplane. Uh-oh. Update. It's September 11th. Oh, no. Never forget.

Never forget. Smash a whole pizza and box into your face. You never forget this. Oh, good news. It's September 12th. And then he just flies the plane by your face and eats it himself. Nothing happened. Oh no!

It's the 13th! Just a normal day. War in Iraq! Woohoo! Throwing pizzas all over the place. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! day war in iraq anyway like a fun guy he does uh well what a guy little pizza pilot buying pizza pilot pizza pilot that's why i labeled that

thing uh okay something i found yeah all right let's see if i can do it whatever i don't care the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes i thought a little pause just always gets me or go to prison or go to prison or go to prison. Or go to prison. Or go to prison. Looking for Christmas gifts for Ezra and came across

this. Okay. Never thought of this concept and I'm pumped that it exists. I haven't bought it yet but I think I'm going to. So this is a complicated light switch. Whoa. Looks like a Rube Goldberg light switch situation. So it has like a Rube Goldberg light switch situation.

So it has like a little knob on it that connects to other gears and rods and levers. You can put it over your existing light plate, right? And then this just adds like a cool decorative piece.

It always seems fun the first couple of times. You're like, wow, and then you're like, I just want the light on and off. Yeah, well if you want the light on and off, turn the fucking thing, Brian. Yeah, I know, I'm just saying like sometimes you're... What's the difference between turning the lever and flipping it up and down? Besides you feel cooler when you turn the lever. No, it's like, you know, it's a fun idea

to get a silly straw. First couple of times but then you're just thirsty and you're like no, I have to suck it through all these fucking... I mean, if I had to suck like, no, I have to suck it through all these fucking. I mean, if I had to suck this light switch, I wouldn't buy it. Same concept. Look at this guy. Look at this fella.

It's got a little knob and then you turn which ones were on and off and it just kind of adds an added feature. But how fun would that be? Like if you are an entertaining type person, you have people over to your house and then then pop that little feller in the bathroom, and you're like, what the fuck is this? You reach over to feel, and it's a bunch of gears and shit, and you're like, oh, and you turn it. The lights are off. What if you're in the room, and you're like, what is that? Some drunk guest is like, what the fuck is that?

Yeah, he rips it off the wall. He's like, just ripping all the gears out. Hey, no, no, Joe, Joe, Joe! I just need to piss! He pissed his pants because he couldn't get the light on in time? He just pissed all over the light switch. I'll show him. Fuck this! That's why you just have a regular light switch.

I know, but I think overcomplicated light switch is what it pops up on Etsy. 60 bucks! Yeah, well look at it. Look at the craftsmanship. I mean, it does look... Zach's a steampunk fella.

It does look handmade. Zach likes steampunk. I do. So, are you digging? Are you in here with this? I'm down, for sure. Yeah, that's cool as hell. I don't know if I like the green color.

I'm colorblind. What's green? The centerpiece, the little saw-looking things. Oh, I hate that then. Yeah, it's kind of a piss green, or a pee green. Vomit thing. Oh, I hate that then. Yeah, it's kind of a piss green or a pee green. Vomit green. Well, you could paint it. Yeah, vomit green.

But I just never, like, it's just little things like this that I never would have thought about. Light switch has been a light switch. Or if it's a little guy with a penis where the light switch is hard. I mean, who doesn't love that? That's fucking great. You turn it on, it just comes on you. That would be a light switch. Yeah, a little goo comes out.

A little soap dispenser. Lotion. Yeah. What could go wrong? Yeah. Great for a bathroom. Yeah, mixing lotion and electrical equipment. What could go wrong?

What could go wrong? But I never thought about that. Like, it's just always been, even olden days, like, what, you had the pull chain, and then you had the buttons on the wall We had to like actually click the button in and they turn it into a little flickable switch And then now that you can get an over complicated one where you grab a wheel and spin it and then Eventually turns your light switch on which I thought was pretty cool. There you go You go to the old but like I said

sometimes you just want to turn the light on you don't want to wait for the marble to to go through everything and and then Yeah want to turn the light on you don't want to wait for the marble to to go through everything and and then you know you know i mean such a such a dad argument with this right yeah well i just like like if this if you had to sometimes if you had to wait for the marble to turn the light switch on yeah fuck this light switch yeah but it's literally a crank no i know like you turn it one quarter and your light's going to be on and you turn it one quarter back the other way and your light's going to be on. And you turn it one quarter back the other way and your light's going to be off. It's like you walk in and you're like, and you have to pull a marble out of your ass and then toss it into a basketball hoop. Here, let me demonstrate what this is like. Okay.

So, not that that's a hard thing to do, and it's cool the first couple of times, but how many times do you get up in the middle of the night or whatever and you just walk in and you know where the light switch is and all you do is just get a little flick You just go you just go like that to switch it on if you have to go It's just the worst I know but you're over exaggerating everything No I'm not! It's not a it's not one of those Japanese coffee table puzzles.

I'm not over exaggerating It's this Still I like being able to just go You're doing like 15 switches. You're like, yeah, you have to take the chain out and then put the calculator inside the elephant. Yeah. That's what it feels like. It might as well have to do all that.

No. Look. Watch. Oh, it's on. Sure, that's easy when you're just when you're in the right frame of mind and there's light already, but if it's the middle of the night and your dick's hard and you just need to take a piss and you're in the right frame of mind and there's light already. But if it's the middle of the night and your dick's hard and you just take a piss and you're like... And you're incapable of learning new hand movements? Yeah.

Because you've been your whole 40 years of my life, I've done that. Uh-huh. I don't want to start doing this. What do you do when there's a dimmer switch you have to push? I just go like this. Oh, so you can figure that out. Because all I'm doing is going like that. But you can't.

Hold on. Am I doing it right? There's a lot of moving parts. Yeah, behind the... That you can rip off. Mm-hmm. Hold on. Let me...

Here, can you do... Show me... Do your hands like this. Watch. Do it like... Oh, your light's on. Yeah. But I had to find it.

I could have caught my finger in the wrong thing. I love you. All right. Moving on. Let's hear from the kids. Maybe put it in the fun playroom or something. With a trash can? Yeah.

Don't put it in the bathroom where you're just like, sometimes you're half asleep and you just want to flick a light on. Okay. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. I'm going to fuck. I know what I'm going to prank you with. I'm going to show up and every room is going to have one of those.

He says a fully complex thing. Like you're turning on the power at Jurassic Park? You think I'm overthinking it? I think you're underthinking it. I think that you need to learn how to move your hand in a different motion. No. No wonder you don't lick butts. You know what?

I don't get pink eye. I've never vomited from butt play. So, who's laughing now? All right, let's hear it from the kids. Zach! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow, that's cool. All right. Hello. Oh, I thought it was... You say that every time. All right. Hello. Oh, I thought it was do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You say that every time. It sounds just like it. I know.

You want to turn it up a little bit for me? All right. First email's coming from Carlease. Like when you lease a car. Oh, yeah. Carlease. Who writes, hi. Honk, honk.

I work part-time with Vitamin Water as an ambassador. Oh, yeah. I basically give out free samples. I remember that in college. I had friends that were rock star ambassadors. Oh. Sounds important. What do you do?

I don't know. Except this case of shit I have to give to people. Do you get paid for it? No. Not really. I guess fucking, I don't know. I get to maybe go on a cruise later if I give away enough. All right.

Ambassador seems a little high. Yeah. A couple weeks back, we were working at SMU for MSB Southern Methodist for a football game. Southern Methodist, they're in the playoff this year. They're a good team. Yeah. For a football game. Towards the end, I noticed that the DJ behind us was playing Parked Out by the Lake.

He had a couple people just booth in the people. God damn it! And had a couple people just by the booth swaying. I caught a video but towards the end it was almost over. When I heard it I immediately thought of holy shit my daddies would love this. I've attached the video.

It's kind of bad quality because the winds were strong that day. The winds were strong that day people. The year was 1913. It was right in bad quality because the winds were strong that day. The winds were strong that day, people. The year was 1913. It was right in the middle of the thing. Getting ready for World War I. Strong that day at the end of Table. And the table fell over.

Thank you for endless laughs. Love you all. Carly's. Yes. Yes. Are you playing it? Yes, I will. Okay.

Ready? Wait, zoom in. I'm going to. Okay. Oh,? Yes, I will. Okay. Ready? Wait, zoom in. I'm going to. Okay. Oh, wow. God damn it. Too quiet. I love this DJ.

She's not wrong. Listen, watch. It turns out it's such a disaster. The wind and then... So, what I love about that is it's good enough it's a good enough song where if you're not really just listening to the lyrics you think you're just listening like a a cool hip country song and so if you're not really paying attention you're just kind of like dancing to the the melody and the the music and all that damn i love trucks i love lakes yeah yeah but not And I don't...

I'm not a really big fan of Santa Fe, though. And that's been happening... That was episode one, right? Of Candy Dough? Was it really? Yeah. Holy... That was a big episode.

I think it was right out the gate. Yeah, Stinky Penguin, Mummy, and Parked Out by the Lake. How many millions? How many millions were sent on that? You guys are going to... It's going to blow your mind. Yeah. This is what $10 million sounds like using all the state of art equipment to figure out what this mummy sounded like back in 3 BC. All that.

Thank you. Get the fuck out of my office. All the manpower and hours and donations of money to figure out what it sounded like. But I've never heard anybody out in the wild knowing of the Parked Out by the Lake. So I'm going to pretend that they listened to Can You Don't. Yep. I think that's safe to assume. Our second email is coming in from our son, Benjamin, who writes,

Hey, daddies. Hey. This gift is for Joe Paisley, Joe's father, and Joe's uncle. I'm listening to... Joe. Joe. I'm listening to this past week's pod, and you were talking about hogs as a better word for dick.

This must have been a while ago. Oh, yeah. Or he's catching up. And boy, do I have a story for you. So where I used to work, there was this guy that we'd call Crank. And the reason we called him that was because guy that we'd call Crank. And the reason we called him that

was because he had a 14-inch penis. I doubt. I mean, world record. That's world record. Something Falcon? Yeah. What's his name?

It's like a French guy. This blows my mind. Turbo Falcon? This blows my mind, Brian, because we talk about dicks a bunch, and every time we talk about the biggest dick

and I try to remember the guy's name you never know it but you were originally the person that knew it off the top of your head and now you're like, I don't know what you're talking about I say a lot of dumb things and you're the one that knew you're like, yeah, what's his name?

you just knew it right off the top of your head Jonah Falcon? how big's his dick? 13 and a half okay, so direct crank I mean I'm gonna give him a big-ass dick But yeah, let's see this is just hate. Oh yeah, remember this guy. Yeah, it's a fear of fucking It's like a cartoon show or some shit. Look at that. He did he had something right that thing That's not it. That's a different guy. That's the French guy. His dick's wrapped, right? We're not going to get in trouble?

It's wrapped. Yeah, it's all wrapped. That's a different guy. But that sucks. That looks even bigger than the 13.5 inch Jonah Falcon, though. Well, it might be fake, but fuck that dick. That's too much dick. It's way too much. You would pass out every time you started getting hard.

You wouldn't even get fully erect. You would just... Can you even cum when your dick is that big? You need a blood... Not a transfusion. You need a blood infusion just to get hard. And then suck it out at the end so you don't have too much blood. So you don't explode like a fucking...

Hot air balloon? No, yes. But the things that suck blood tick oh leech well tick is what i was thinking okay anyway so because he had a 14-inch penis he told us all that he has only had sex twice in his life and he has two kids yeah because the amount of work to pull out is fucking atrocious are you gonna pull out i'm gonna fucking try i don't think your ceiling's high enough also it looked like he had a two liter pop bottle in his pants so i mean this this is a dick no wonder his nickname's crank if you read this on the pod i was gonna give a quick shout out to my old pal woody and thank you for the entertainment

while i work love you daddies because wo Woody and Crank? Where does he work? Fucking dick shop? Do you work at a dildo factory, Benjamin? Benjamming these dicks? Benjamming, yeah. We be jamming, we be jamming! God, big old dick like that. That French guy, though, his dick looks bigger. Yeah, but...

That thing's a fucking sledgehammer, dude. They gotta fake stuff. I mean, why would you not fake a big-ass dick to get some attention? But you'd have to prove it. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Sign up. Become part of the gaggle.

Patreon.com slash CandyDomePodcast. The show will keep going. Instagram and Facebook. Also got the YouTube version. Just search the show. That'll pull it up on the internet stuff. And then something you want to see on the show, that email address is heyguysatcannedyoudontpodcast.com. Reminder, that merch contest going until Christmas.

Pick up any merch. Have a chance to win $250. Cannedyoudontpodcast.com. Check out Scatcast. Scat with a K. Scatcast.com. Anything, what's going on over there? What are you doing now?

We've got Liam the Monster Hunter's back. We've got Dipshit Files is on a break, but we're coming back next week. Okay. Yeah, hopefully Brian on Just a Ride in the next couple weeks or so. Maybe Joe. Who knows? Fuck yeah. Get us in there. We don't know. We had a blast last time. That was fun. And then a big thanks to

the babysitters that moderate the Candy Dome Playground on Facebook. As long as you don't get mauled by your dog. Yeah, it'll do that. Yeah, just give you a little head bite. She does like to nibble things. Kona nibbles? Kona nibbles. Kona nibbles.

Nibiona. Or whatever. All right, we got a joke. Zing! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Seasonal depression. This joke brought to you by seasonal depression.

I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn't waterproof. Ah. Funny. Can you imagine a waterproof toaster, though? That would be wild. Like, you just need toast. You're in the bath. Like, that's how people kill themselves.

They throw the toaster in the bath. I know. I've tried. But you're like, I just need a morning bath and some toast. I'm not trying to kill myself. I'm just trying to be efficient. Yeah. I don't want to wait.

I want to eat my toast in my... You're like, just a floating toaster. Just what? Take it to the lake with an extension cord. Yeah. Paddleboarding with a toaster. Mm-hmm. Good stuff.

Battery, solar powered. Solar pounder. Solar pounder. Solar pound pounder What am I doing Once you start saying solar pounder it's time for the bonus Alright wrap it up buddy Alright Woo!