Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Nashville. Fingernails. Complainer. That's Sad.

Episode Date: September 25, 2024

Imagine it's a beautiful Sunday morning... you're at your favorite local coffee shop, looking out the window, and thinking about the great day ahead. Then, a man with half his head missing, walks down the street in front of you. Normal. Let's talk about that, fighting a clone of yourself to the death, throwing baby puffins off cliffs, making over 20,000 noise complaints to the local airport, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/zEnTn5nEP2gSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Nashville. Fingernails. Complainer. That's sad. Well, the lollipop situation from, I can't remember if that was just last week we talked about it or the week before. It's been an ongoing saga. It's catching on a little bit, or whatever, the idea of it, because as you can see on my microphone stand, this smiley face, there was about 60 of these all over the house in different places. In drawers, in the shower shower there aren't any eyes on that ezra drew him he has no soul ah yeah or whatever or aren't autistic kids terrible with eye contact i he he's fine yeah he will seems fine he'll make he'll stare right at you but while he's stabbing in the back traditionally traditionally Traditionally. Traditionally, yeah. So there you go. So I'm leaving it there.

Leaving that there for him. 119? Is that what we're doing today? Looks like it. Yeah. My throat's kind of sticky. Getting over being sick again. Why?

What are you doing? I don't know. You looking for bubbles? Little kids, man. Yeah. I wish. Speak it, don't. Sign up to get the bonus content.

Patreon.com. Exclusive merch. New merch. Speaking of that new merch, of course, thanks to everybody who's picking it up at canyoudontpodcast.com. Because we're doing a little fun contest. Anyone who purchases canyoudont merch between now and Halloween has a chance to win the biggest decision of their life. You got to do it now. Come on.

Which is either you send us something and we will sign it and send it back. Cover all the shipping. Or you'll be like, you got it. And we'll just pick whatever the fuck we want,

sign it and send it to you. And keep in mind, the thing you send in has got to be reasonable. Can't be like a refrigerator that we're spending like two grand for shipping on. Unless they cover all the shipping.

Yeah. Yeah. Or like a person. Don't send a person to us. Or a dog. If you do, poke holes in it, in the box, so they don't see it. Let them breathe and make sure they're quiet. We don't want to get the show

into some legal trouble. Just spray paint our names on the side of it. Not a kid. Not a bomb. Cocker Spaniel. Not a bomb. On the side of a box with a kid. Not a bomb. Cocker spaniel. Not a bomb. On the side of a box with a kid in it. Deuce and a goose. Yeah, if you can find out a way to sedate a goose. Notice I didn't say

seduce. Seduce a goose. Seduce a goose. But anyway, we've got a bunch of new shirts, sweatshirts. Head over to canyounopodcast.com. You want to see something on the show? Want to hear us talk about something? Petty beef? Something for Dick? Something for Uncle Commie Zach to talk about?

The email for that is heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com You know what we should do, too? I was thinking about it. You said sweatshirts. Some of the designs that are in there, maybe we'll throw them on some sweatshirts, too. Okay. That one that you're wearing there. Oh, yeah.

Is that on a sweatshirt right now? I don't think so. Well, we should probably do that. Probably do that. That one. And the, like the new symbol one.

I mean, why the fuck not? Yeah. It's that time of the year. Well, for a lot of the country, getting fall, we got some,

still got some nice weather up here, but I do see some dips in temperature. I was in Texas. It's hot as piss. They do not slow down down there. You were talking about an email. Read the email. Yes,

I was. Yeah. Okay. This is an email. Read the email. Yes, I was. Yeah. Okay. This is good day, daddies. And not so creepy Uncle Zach. Thank you. I agree. He's not that creepy.

Pretty creepy, though. It's creepy because he hangs out in the room by himself and he's like big and lurches over. He's laughing. I'm not wearing any pants. He's not wearing pants. He's blowing that horn. That horn. There it is. I'm not wearing any pants. He's not wearing pants. He's blowing that horn. And ducking on her heating vents.

That's a red flag. What's going on in here? I've been listening to Is We Dumb Days and I love what you guys put out weekly. I hope I put out weekly. You know what I mean? Yeah! It's not going to be a little bit.

There's that sickness. I had a good morning out today and wanted to share. I bought the Grow Up Lick a Butthole shirt a couple weeks ago, and I've been waiting for a good opportunity to wear it. Today was it. The wife and I were child-free this morning, so we decided to go out for breakfast. Yeah, not a shirt to wear with kids. No.

Probably not to breakfast either, but he did it anyway. It's Denny's. for breakfast. Yeah, not a shirt to wear with kids. No. Probably not to breakfast either, but he did it anyway. It's Denny's, come on. Yeah, that's true. Denny's on a Tuesday. Waffle house, baby. We got to walk in a little bit in a beautiful downtown Colorado... Sorry.

Disaster. To get to the restaurant. There were a lot of people out in the morning... Oh, God. Go ahead. You do it. Just let him choke. Oh, God. Heimlich.

I thought I was going to be okay. A lot of people out in the morning, but most made eye contact. And he spelled but with two T's. Most made eye contact, read the shirt, and then would not look at me in the eyes again. A few laughed and smiled we also got to see some dog into themselves Tweakers say some interesting things Also I look all the buttholes I'm growing I'm a grown-ass man

It's like he's on a bus. Just like, give me that butthole. I'm going to lick it. I'm a grown man. What? I'm a grown man who licks buttholes. I have my own life. That's what men do.

I make my own decision. I'd spoil my breakfast or my dinner by eating a butthole. By eating a butthole? Sure. These eggs taste like shit because I like buttholes. It tastes like chicken, actually. Also, we have a Balloon Glow Festival here over Labor Day weekend every year. In the mornings, there's a launch of 30-plus hot air balloons.

And in the evenings, they do a glow. That's a huge funeral. Yeah. All the balloons inflate. And when it gets dark, all the balloons light up in patterns all at once at the end. I want to get the checklist shirt. If you don't know, we have a checklist shirt. It's like death and destruction.

And one other for next year's event. I think people would love the shirts, and you might even get adopted some kids. Most definitely some people would be disappointed your podcast isn't all about hot air balloons. Can you imagine? You should check this thing out. It's all about hot air balloons.

Hot air balloon podcast. And how unsafe they are. Anyway, thank you, Daddies and Uncle Zach, for the best entertainment every week. I love what you do. And where do you want it? P.S. It's not that bad, boy, in grow-up. Yeah, it's not that bad. We do have a picture.

It's a butthole. We do have a picture. Poop comes out. Just innocently enjoying breakfast with a blue grow-up lick-a-butthole shirt. You think the guys in the background were impressed i think they've licked buttholes that guy looks like epstein a little bit yeah he does look like you see oh my god that guy's licked the butthole yeah yeah no one looks like that and wears that shirt and hasn't licked a butthole like the collar's a little wrinkled

yeah he's like he was licking butthole last night that's why he looks so flustered so tired it's been too much time between the cheeks yeah want a lady in the street but a freak in the cheeks he's not dead he's just in between some big ass cheeks big ass cheeks well thanks for picking up that merch i love it again new merch can you don't podcastcom. Let's roll the show. Okay. Yeah. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. Okay.

Which button should I push? Trying to find the perfect. Oh, that one? Okay, I got that one. I guess that one's good too, though. Is this it? Nice. This was sent in by Zach. We have so many fucking Zachs. Oh, really? Yeah. This was sent in by Zach.

We have so many fucking Zacks. Oh, really? Gosh. Zach here, Zach there, everywhere, Zach, Zach. This one's a little wordy, but a lot of fun. Would you? Go ahead. Old McDick Farm had a Zach.

Easy. Oh, you missed the exact moment. Old McDick Farm had a Zach. That seems very complicated, actually. With a tweet tweet here and a... Would you rather every time you want to change something physical about your body, so that means like a haircut, cut your fingernails. Even a fingernail? Build muscle.

Yeah, anything physical. I mean, we're going to go back. We have to analyze this a little bit. I don't think build muscle should be on that list. That's like if you eat food and you gain some weight, is that a physical thing? It's like, you'll see what I'm getting at. So anytime anything physical about your body, a clone of you appears once you're done. Then you and your clone fight hand to hand to the death.

And the last one living gets to continue on. Or you can never take care of any hygienic thing until someone calls you out on it no wiping your ass no bathing brushing your teeth etc until it's brought up naturally in the wild fuck zach i mean i'm not a fighter so that sucks i guess you'd have to be i guess your clone would probably fight like you do though so it'd be a pretty balanced fight right well every time you learn a new move I mean that clone

is it gonna be one of those things where you're you're like you're throwing the same thing catching each other's hands yeah it's like

every single time you're not landing anything you're both having a good laugh until someone fucking kill hand to hand though I mean I'd have a hard hard enough time

getting a haircut and pulling a gun out imagine like how's the back look things they're holding up like do you want it rounded or square you're like oh whatever you whatever you want dealer's choice choice i okay and then they hold the mirror up they go is that good and you're like yeah that's good pull a gun out of another you comes in the yeah, that's good. Pull a gun out. Another you comes in the barbershop. What's up, bitch? Ding, ding, ding. And you're just like.

And it's just fucking mayhem. Anyway. Well, you can't use a gun, right? It's hand in hand. It doesn't. But I'm just saying I'd have a hard enough time. Even if I had a weapon. To be like, okay.

Like, you're on your last fingernail. I guess, I mean, you get done with the job, so you get to cut your fingernails. You're on your left thumb, because you go right to left, because I'm left-handed, and you just go, and then the clone of you kicks the fucking door open. Come here, you motherfucker! What a wild sight for the person that was just cutting your hair. So she's like, does that look good?

She's got the little brush. She's like, any shampoo today? Better not. No, I can't be in that position. Compromise my attack. I can't have my neck. My throat is exposed. I can't do that because my neck's exposed.

What a weird response. I mean, that's perfect. That's how they used to chop people's head off back in the old days. She's washing your hair and you have your eyes open and you close them for a second because it feels so good. Then you open it up and it's just you washing your own hair?

With your hands coming out of your neck? Is that good? And you're like, yeah, that's good. Good! And it's just you washing your own hair? With your hands coming out of your neck? Is that good? And you're like, yeah, that's good. Good. And it's just you. Like, fuck. Like this.

And then you grab the hand. So it's like. And then this fucking music kicks on. Just fucking. And she's like, what is happening? Everyone. Yeah. The old lady's over there shaking. And the great clips lady.

I mean, other physical. Like shave your beard even Like any of that Trimming nose hair I fight my nails, does that count? Yeah, it's changing your physical stuff Does busting a nut count? Well

We gotta talk about it Right at, you just You just jizz, you're like And then you're like, oh fuck Look down and you just came just jizz you're like oh and then you're like oh fuck look down and you just came on your own chest yeah reaches up grab your dick can you get me a towel yeah one second thanks oh no sweeps the leg fuck oh dude that'd be so. Out there coming inside a birdhouse and a you kicks the ladder out. You're hanging by the tree. You can't stay up there forever, me.

Hey, me. It's me again. Yeah, you're like biting your nose. Hey, me. Oh, shit. It's worth some fingerless leather gloves. Get the advantage. But I'm assuming the clone has the same like the brain contains the same knowledge

it doesn't come back i mean of course that's a that's a whole thing with cloning i think it's gotta be you that is a baby that knows nothing i think it's got to be the exact clone of you that in that exact moment yeah okay okay uh so so still bad in bed if if you so. So if the clone kills you, you don't transfer your brain into it. They live on, right? But it's also you, in a way. Just a different version of you. But they could just become an absolute dick and everyone thinks it's you. But your brain's the same.

They're going to have the same morals, character, everything. So it'll just be you, but not you. You're dead, but at least some version of you gets to carry on. So like your family, your wife, your kids, as far as they know, daddy's still there. Just Joe. That's crazy. That is crazy.

Do you get to witness? No, you're dead. Are you in like heaven or anything like that? Depends on what you believe in. There's like a small audience of Joes. Are you in like heaven or anything like that? Where you're like... Depends on what you believe in. Just watch. There's like a small audience of Joes. It's like a bleacher. Like they're watching the Super Bowl. Ooh, like taking bets on which Joe's going to win this battle.

There's a Joe that someone... Hey! Is that dip done? It's another Joe over there like, Finishing up! It's just you doing all the things okay because he's about he's about done with his haircut oh i love this part i love this part he yeah walks out and like the the clone like does a sweep kick and he jumps it and then that

guy's like that's what got me like he has a gash in his head it's yeah from the counter the way that they died is the way that they're sitting in the yeah so like missing an arm or something god but eventually i saw that coming eventually if you die like the actual you you would go to that place and now now they're all like it's like that's the end of the show that's like season 10 but no one likes the ending so like shitty ending it's like if you're a let's say you're a cop and then you go to jail all the people that you put in jail are then they're with you so like you killed all these clones and then you die for real and you go to this place and nine clones that you killed are all watching but they're happy they just watched you die yeah

but they're like now we didn't get revenge and you get older so like it's gonna be like a 75 year old brian fighting a 75 year old brian that sucks and they're they're like young like dude i like season one through ten season 11 is sucks you know it reminds me of this it's really slowed down you know the heisman house the no the commercials for the heisman that's what it's like you've got like younger Heisman house? No. The commercials for the Heisman. That's what it's like. You've got younger Heisman winners and older Heisman winners. So that would be the house that it's at. It's like 23-year-old Joe's there with 76-year-old Joe hanging out, reminiscing on what killed him. Good old days.

Or you can never take care of anything hygienic until someone says something. I feel like that wouldn't take long. But I'm guessing you can't have a dedicated person that just says stuff every day. That's what a spouse does.

Yeah. I was going to say, have you ever been married? She's like, when was the last time you showered? You're like, fuck yeah, dude. Thank God! Oh, you have no idea. You should have said this two months ago. It was last Thursday. Can you say this again tomorrow?

No, you can't let him on. Can't let him know. Yeah. Just stinky butt, no bathing, brushing your teeth, and somebody, that asshole friend, has to be like, dude, there's moss on your teeth and you're like thank you just immediately pull you always carry around the hygienic products just so you're ready at any time your friend's like dude your breath stinks and you're like fucking thanks and pull some fucking colgate out and right at the table just start brushing your teeth like this it's been three months you have a satchel you're talking weird to like make make them notice oh my god how are you this for you

how are the kids like dude your dick smells yeah i've been plowing you're going out and like just trying to find prostitutes so they can tell your dick stinks but they don't care because they're gettingitutes so they can tell your dick stinks. But they don't care because they're getting paid. Yeah. You're like, oh my God, your dick stinks. You're like, woohoo! Zip your pants up. Woohoo!

Go home and take a shower. Woo! Thank you. She's like, you don't even want to do it? No, dude. Is that the only thing that stinks? You turn around and stick your ass out? She goes, no, your butthole's disgusting.

Yes! Here's a tip. See ya! Just immediately go shower. Maybe if you're just at the hotel, just running to the hotel. The idea of having to fight to the death sucks. I mean, obviously the idea of just being a stinky person sucks, but I gotta pick stinky. You get sick of fighting, and the fight would be hard because

you don't have an advantage if you had an advantage and you're like oh i could i could take me i mean like that's what i was saying like even if you did like say you had a gun you can i mean and how do they appear do they just appear right next to you like how are they getting there can you booby trap your house but i guess they know all the booby traps anyway what i'm saying is it would even be hard with a fucking gun like having an advantage for me just shooting yourself after you clip your toenails you're just like click and the door just opens there's like picture this though you clip your toenails you you clip your toenail you have your gun right next to you. And you're like, clip. And as soon as you go for the gun, you go, and then arms catch it.

Because they appear like that. And it's just like, so you're like, okay. You're like, you're going through it. You have your clipper. You have your gun. You're like, okay, clip. And then it's right here. So you're like, trying to time it.

You're like, clip. Yeah. You have to like put, make a special gun that has like a toenail clipper on the end. Yeah. You pull the trigger and it clips. It's like clip and then kick. Instantaneous. But yeah, can you imagine?

That's the last thing I'm thinking about when I'm clipping my toenails is I'm going to get punched in the face. You're sitting on the edge of the bath. You know, you're being respectful and clipping them into the bathtub. They can get washed down. You're like, he's like, he's getting punched in the face. Imagine, you know, Joe, you okay in there? Yes. Yes.

There's a weird echo in here. Motherfucker. Bitch. I love you. I love you i love you i love you you don't love her what is happening uh you start breaking like your arms and legs so that when he does appear you just both just have broken arms and legs oh yeah i guess you could do that you're like i'm gonna clip my toenails so i'm gonna chop foot off. Then he won't have a foot. Right. That's changing something physical.

So he's going to show up. Oh, God. He shows up twice? I mean, is that getting a scratch? Count? I mean, you know, it just goes on forever. Just to avoid the nonsense of it, I'm just going to pick being a stinky bastard. What if you went like this?

Clip, clip. Do two of you show up? No. Well, I think it's when the job's clip. Do two of you show up? No. Well, I think it's when the job's done. So trimming fingernails, trimming toenails, getting haircut. Oh, not individual. Yeah. Okay.

But if you get like, the barber's like, okay, how's your day? Puts the little cape on you. And then gets the scissors out and does like one clip. And the guy's like, come here, motherfucker. Jumps over the counter. Keep going, keep counter like keep going keep going keep going again it kind of turns into well if you had individual like the matrix two when they're all diving on them yeah it's just there's like 40 of you on top of you too much too much stand

up mirrors that you put on a wall do i it's like pick one of those up and just wrestle with it that's basically what you're doing and knows all your moves yeah if you're in a wall? Do I? It's like, pick one of those up and just wrestle with it. That's basically what you're doing. It knows all your moves. Yeah, if you're in a fucking loony house. That's what it would look like. What about walking

into a padded room and Brian's there with a full-size mirror? Fucking motherfucker. Not today, Brian. All right, let's get your meds. Give him meds too, he won't stop. Let's put your meds. Give him meds too.

He won't stop. Let's put your jacket on. Put your jacket on. Put the mirror down. Doing somersault. You don't understand. Rolling back and forth. Get off me.

Oh, okay. How about this? What? Threesome sex. What if they show up, but no one else can see the clone except for you? That's a problem. It's already weird. You're fighting this person that you see that no one else can see.

So you're rolling on the ground, throwing punches and talking trash to yourself. Like walking into a spider web. Yeah. What the fuck was that? Spider web. Yeah. Was it. Yeah. No one else. Yeah. What the fuck was that? Spiderweb. Yeah. Was it? Yeah.

Let's get your meds. I'm stinky. I'm stinky. I'm not trying to fight all the time. Yeah, I'll go with the stinky because then I'll just lean into it, I guess, and maybe be stinky. Yeah. All right, Zach?

I'm already stinky, so. Nice. What are you going to do? Fuck yeah. Oh, yeah. All! What are you going to do? Fuck yeah! Alright, what are you thinking about? Like I said, it's not much, but it's something. Same, it's on a floor. Hey.

Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Uh, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? I don't want you guys to get too jealous. But last week, last Friday, I went to a country concert.

Okay? Goddamn, what's his fucking name? Oh, Walker Hayes. Oh, yeah. That would be something. Yeah. Out there at Northern Quest. Yeah.

I mean, it's no... But it's no but it's northern quest um and i will just say i mean if i i was talking to some friends afterwards and we are just kind of you know really just diving in and dissecting uh the artistry the depth of this country concert at a casino that clearly nobody wanted to be at, especially him. And, I mean, it was fine. I mean, I've never seen a fucking country concert with backup dancers, but here we are. And he's heartfelt. He's a good songwriter.

I mean, country's already not my thing, but I was expecting it to be more fun. But then I also also like a couple songs in remembered i'm at a fucking casino uh the vibe's gonna be a little bit off uh because people are sitting there with the free robes and toaster they got buffets from their from their casino club card and then they're like oh shit and their oxygen tank their oxygen tank toaster robe free concert concert to go to. So there they are. But anyway, I was talking to some friends afterwards.

And I was like, the thing that just kills me is that there's going to be. Because, I mean, it was packed. It was sold out, right? I don't know how much they can get into the Northern Quest casino concert venue. But it was sold out. And I was like, there's's gonna be hundreds of people that leave that concert and say that was the best concert i've ever been yeah and i was like have you been to a piano recital they those are probably people that don't attend a lot of concerts or only

certain types of concerts yeah and i've been to country concerts that are a lot of fucking fun. This wasn't one of them. But he still played well. I mean, whatever. Good guy. It sounded good. You get it.

So anyway, I'm setting that up because country concert turned into night at the casino, turned into going home. And then Cass and I woke up the next morning and we were hungry

and we were talking about what we wanted. Just kind of bouncing ideas back and forth and like say something and we were talking about what we wanted just kind of bouncing ideas back and forth like say something i don't be like oh right wait real quick did you say you went home or did you stay at the casino no we went home okay so it was country concert fun at the casino go home okay so you went home set a time because some of the friends that were part of the the birthday party celebration are a little fucking wild and we knew that we had to be like we got to get back because if we didn't it's just like they don't stop so end up at applebee's no you end up at yeah applebee's or fucking denny's outside of dicks wondering why they're not open then you have to get an uber to fucking denny's

i remember one night here in town we were going to go to perkins because it was right across the street my buddy was staying at a hotel that was close we had to drive up the street to denny's so we perkins let us down i had to go yeah i mean sherry's perkins denny's will never let you down no grand slam every time all right well moon's over miami all right so we we go home. We get some sleep. We wake up. We got a day. We got to get some shit done.

And we start talking about food and bouncing ideas back and forth as you do. And someone's, you know, it does sound good. How about this? And then back and forth. And then, you know, it's early and we had a fun night. So, like, you know, just kind of still waking up. And Cassie, she turns to me and she goes, I got it. And I was like, what?

And she goes, flong hot dog. And I said, I think that's the sound it makes, not the item. Flong? Flong. Flong? For foot long. Oh. Flong hot dog.

Flong hot dog. And we just started laughing so hard. Like throughout the day, he's like, you want a flung? We get the kids, let the kids go to the park, give you that flung hot dog. And I just hope that somebody picks that up and loves it. Why did she say it like that? Because she didn't mean to. And as soon as she said it, I just stared at her and I was like, I think that's the sound it makes.

Not the item. And we just fucking died. Because you'd fucking get a hot dog out of flung. Just the exact sound you would think of if a hot dog made a sound. Flung. A little wet. It's the exact sound it would make. No, do you want a regular hot dog?

Or like a flung? That sounds like something that like standard or flung when you're just high. Yes. And we weren't high because we don't smoke weed. Uh, but it's just, I was like, what? More of those. Like, what the fuck did you just say? It reminded me of like leader cold, right?

From super troopers. Like that belongs in that style of movie 100 like okay do you want to do you want to supersize your flung no i'll get standard flung oh yeah what's well isn't uh what's the oh shit what's the thing you'd say you'd say it kind of under your breath i would no just like people in general you would do it like a god damn it i mean water huh water bar like water bottle but everyone knows what you're saying can you ask me your wire bar water water bar kind of sip your water bar

excuse me how do you spell that? Water, barb. Water, barb. I don't know. I'm not going to remember it, so we're not going to sit on it. But I'm just thinking about that. Oh, penis. That's what it was.

Flung? Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Flung. Flung penis. Penis.

Flung. Flung. Dude, it's exactly what it is. I don't think that's the sound. It kind of reminds me of those little door stops Yeah so anyway We got inspired and did make some hot dogs They weren't flongs But it makes me miss Costco

Are Costco hot dogs even flongs? Oh yeah They are? Gotta be close Depends on who's measuring Is it a man or a woman I was trying to think of a Costco hot dogs, even flungs. Oh yeah. They are. Gotta be close. Dude. God damn close. He's measuring. Is it a man or a woman? Who's measuring those flungs?

It's a man. It's definitely, it's definitely a flung. Yeah. It's a flung. That's an 18 incher. Yeah. Yeah.

Round up. Round up. Always got to round up one more time. Round up and another. I'm going to round this 11 up to 20. I like to measure from the taint. Yeah. You guys go from a midway down the thigh to belly button, right? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Flung. Fucking easy. It sounds like you're saying full on. Flung. Like it's a full on footlong. No, it's a flung hot dog. It's a flung hot dog.

You're welcome. That's really all I have. There's not much. I just hope that it integrates into our listening audience. So F-L-O-N-G. Flung. You tell them.-apostrophe l-o-n-g yeah flong flong u-n-g i mean but it makes 100 makes sense if the word hot dogs in there like you want a hot dog yeah standard or flung what size flung that's the sound if we ever open up like a hot dog restaurant just full-on hot dogs

and make everyone say it yeah i'll take a flung combo yeah can i upsize my flung combo can i supersize my flung yes you can i like that yeah that's why i shared i hope i hope it gets made just makes its way into vocabulary it's it's gonna it will get used again in the show at some point you betcha promise you that promise you that all right let's do some dick okay all right is it interesting is it cool then it's dick maybe we need to rebrand the uh the girthy dick to the flung segment just the flung yeah why not um this guy sucks are you ready this absolutely blew my mind but also didn't, because, you know, everyone knows a person like this. But not quite like this. You ready? I'm ready.

Half of all Australian's air noise complaints came from a single Perth man with 20,000 calls! I was starting to read that a single Perthan. Flong. Perthan! I was listening and I didn't even... Single Perthan. From a single Perthan! was i was lifting and i didn't even single person from a single person

this motherfucker air services australia is an organization dedicated to community and government airline services for all states and territories in australia it includes a dedicated service line to note complaints of excessive noise caused by planes. Huh. They should have changed the number. In 2023, a whopping 20,716 calls. They said 20,000 calls. I mean, you've got to round that up. That's nearly 21,000.

Just say nearly 21,000. And right now, think about the phone call amount. Right? Like, the difference between 716 and 2100, or rounding up to 1,000. Like, you're like, yeah, of course you would do that. But these are phone calls that somebody's making. I make fucking 10 phone calls a year to people I love. I think my hometown of Moses Lake lake is as rough it's what 20

it's 20 something so like one person just all day bringing people and moses is flipping the phone book hello your town sucks click every single person sick fountain cliff every single person every single person in perth okay anyway16 call-in complaints came from a single Perth man complaining about the noise around the city's airport. Well, yeah, it's an airport. Airline Australia's noise complaints and information division received a total of 51,589 complaints relating to excessive noise around flight routes and airports. If you can believe this, it means nearly half came from this lone complainer. Can you imagine? So, I love stats when they say like

51,000... That'd be my stripper name, lone complainer. Coming up next. Don't do anything... Missy lone complainer. Don't do anything naughty. Here comes lone complainer. Just walking around complaining about shit

not even taking your clothes off just walking up like sits down next to someone take a bite of someone's food like that sucks she's like dude i don't know about the elections this year so lame and shake your tits walk to the other side of the stage like oh the guy's like your shirt sucks she's complaining too he's like he puts this he puts this dollar up and she's like, she's complaining to him. He puts his dollar up and she's like, oh, right. He wants to do this. She's like, I just don't know what to do anymore. Could you imagine

like, dude, strip clubs are already kind of... Kind of? What are you going to say next? Well, I just like, I feel weird going... Yes! They're awkward as shit. They're awkward and sad and uh and going going i've always said rock bottom is sober wearing sweatpants like in an afternoon like two in the afternoon yeah 2 p.m on a wednesday sober and sweatpants with with a grass stained new balances you you made it bud yeah the bar

is set and everybody's above you so now picture that guy drunk sad or like a guy that goes into a bar and like sits at the end of the bar and the bartender always comes up and he's like what'll it be and the usual yeah and then they start kind of like talking, you know. So think about going into a strip club where you're like that, but she's the one. Hey, John. She's like complaining to him, and he's like, oh, I feel so bad for you. He's like trying to console her. You want to lap dance today?

You know. Is it two for one yet? Nope, not till three. All right, I'll circle back. Okay, I'll circle back. I'm going to go get a Pepsi. She comes, like, takes him to the champagne room. She's just, like, riding on it like this.

Can you believe what he said? She's like, I don't know what to do. My daycare is, they're upping the prices, and I'm about to get evicted. And he's like, oh, man, that's too bad. That's crazy. Do you have to wear that phone? Yeah, sorry. Yeah, I mean, they just keep raising the prices. Do you have to wear that thong? No. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, I mean, they just keep raising the prices.

And you know how it is. He has a hard time with math and there's not enough teachers, blah, blah. Like, oh my God, that's crazy. Can you pull your thong to the side? And she's just doing it. She goes, I just don't know how I'm going to afford it. Just going through the motions. Just leaning back, like bouncing on his dick. it she goes i just don't know how i'm gonna afford it going through the motions just leaning back like bouncing on his dick i was going like going up and doing the move where

they're like swinging down the the pole you know just like with the with the the crack the pit of their knee and she's just like i don't know you just hear the run the pole i can't believe a vista raised their rates again splits bouncing their ass on the stage curls i mean both ways like the stripper is the lone complainer or the the the customer is the complainer which i think the customers be worse yeah like you don't want i mean you don't want to be there dancing on this guy and he's dancing, bouncing on him.

He's just like, she's like, you like that? And he goes, yeah, a lot more than these fucking gas prices. Yeah. She's like trying to get off and she goes, yeah,

that's not the only thing going up. And he's like, actually it is. I can't stop thinking about him. Fucking cost me 15 bucks to get here. She's trying to talk naughty to him. She's like, wow, it's hard. He's like, yeah, it's real is. I can't stop thinking about them. Fucking cost me 15 bucks to get here. She's trying to talk naughty to him. She's like, wow, it's hard. He's like, yeah, it's real hard.

I can't even afford groceries. Fucking brick of cheese. Eight bucks? Tillamook? Muck? Tillamook? Tillamook? Fucking unreal.

Medium cheddar? She goes, well, yeah. Got any more cheddar? we can keep this dance going she's trying so hard to keep the energy and the sex appeal up and he's just not having me 15 in gas to get here i'm about to get there i love how she he's like complaining about all this stuff that's like necessity stuff just blowing 20 30 bucks a dance or whatever he's like fuck i hate this song she's like well you you paid so we got to get through he's like can we just do like you know what else i have to get through this fucking divorce

because i know we talked about it yesterday fucking ex-wife fucking cindy she's working today fuck oh all right back to the article okay anyway i forget what we're talking about uh this guy because it gets wild so after the lone complainer air services australia's complaint call in time is 10 a.m to 4 p.m i mean solid six hours so on weekdays only this equals to 76 calls a day or around an insane call every six minutes they put it in all caps i'm just reading it when phone service are operable that word sucks lucky for the workers the number takes a recorded message and is not operated by an innocent human can you imagine if it was

but even an answering machine some guy is sitting there trying to do his job like like he's next to the whatever they fucking called it airlines australia operating service quality hotline so he's sitting next to the answering machine and he's sipping his coffee like you know going through emails. It's like, beep. Hey, it's me again. Another airplane at the airport. Beep.

And then beep. Oh, how many planes you got? Do they all fly? Click. Beep. Beep. Fuck. Do they all fly? Click. Beep. Beep. Fuck! Beep.

Yeah, you'd run out of things to say, dude. Beep. Take a look. Can you hear it? Doesn't do it justice. Fuck! Just like, and you're just sitting there going fuck this person delete this person is getting on my nerves but if one person had to pick that up that's fucking crazy now that

one of my favorite parts about this article is coming up we're almost there it is not known if the services in perth airport have changed probably not i'm gonna go ahead and be like they're not letting this guy dictate. They're billion-dollar businesses. All right, everybody. All right, okay. Close it down. We got to move the airport.

Like all the... I mean, is everyone calling? Is it like... Is it a sound echoing in a valley? No, this guy just... He's fucking pissing me off. Get the bulldozers. Move it.

But the larger air noise, Am Budsman? I think, yeah. What? The Am Budsman. What? Am Budsman. What's he do?

Am Budsman. It's like a police officer. Oh, not a real one. Just say police officer. Okay. Has not undertaken an investigation around the matters at Perth airport. It's safe to assume the answer is no. It goes to show that complaining excessively,

but not, we're not guaranteed to get what you want. Don't need to be updated. Okay. Here's my favorite part about this article, whether or not this rule existed prior to this man is not clear. So they're like trying to like put like an FAQ on how many times you can call and like set up some rules.

I didn't mean to say FAQ. Although he is not alone, his closest competitor was a man from Brisbane who called 7,000 times. Oh my God. A far cry from 20,000, but still way too much for a single person. That's 27,000 out of the 51? This guy, 7,000 calls and was barely mentioned in the article he's only a third yeah not till the end it's and it's his like it's his friend and he's doing it just because the other guy's like making him like they show up they i don't know like go to go to church

or bingo or something and he's like i 36 And he turns to his friends like, did you call today? No. Well, you should call. Call right now. Let them know. It's like, it doesn't really bother me. It fucking bothers everyone. I don't really care.

Can't you see how much it bothers everyone? B-10. Just do it. B-no. Get your phone out. God damn it, I missed a B. Quit talking about the fucking airport it's driving me crazy

you're my only true friend okay fuck I'll call beep beep beep beep beep your planes are loud hang up

you happy yeah fuck together we can change the world G36 Yeah! Fuck! Together we can change the world! G36 Some old lady's like, bingo, and he's like, fuck you! The old hag!

He calls the airport hotline Old lady and bingo too loud! Only 10% of your fucking airplanes! He's not even complaining about the airport anymore He's just calling to cut everything It's like a hotline A complaint hotline for everything That's probably what it became

It was just like It was how he blew off steam I know this isn't the right number but my toaster Burnt my bread And your airplanes are fucking loud Fucking ex-wife I would have been able to hear the oven if your fucking airplanes

were not to beep! God damn it! Gotta call back to finish it. What I was saying was I would have heard my oven and I burnt the pizza because your airplane beep! Fuck! But what a lunatic! You can't do that! You know what I would have done if I was at that airport?

What? I would have crashed an airplane into his house. Yeah. With a full load of people, but it would have been worth it. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, it's just, you gotta pick your battles. And that's a battle you gotta win. That's a battle I'm willing to take right there.

Yep. Just find out where he lives. To C-17 tankerer just send it right to the house would you just call it a 73 tanker is that a real plan c17 oh yeah i know that one i guess heard 73 tanker 1973 tanker hell yeah that's what that's over here the made the air force is a c17 right i know those airplanes are loud though we should start calling we should see 11 C-117? C-117?

I don't remember. What do I know? I don't know. I know all my airplane stuff from Call of Duty. My military industrial complex lingo is... That's Zach's territory. Got work on it. Got work on it.

All right, you want to read the next dick? Sure. Okay. Do it. You might slap your computer, though. Oh, it's not plugged in. Is mine working? Oh, shit! Yours is working, yeah. Oh, piss! Hang on. I don't know slap your computer, though. Oh, it's not plugged in. Is mine working? Oh, shit.

Yours is working, yeah. Oh, piss. Hang on. I don't know what to yell about anymore. Oh. Oh, why don't you call somebody who cares? The airport people? The airport people.

The hotline. Clearly care. We're good. Is that better? Yeah. All right. Another angle before we move on. Okay.

Is you know that guy is aware of the article and they're taunting him i mean couldn't you get like some sort of you can get a restraining order like in relationships i know that like breakups that have gone crazy bad and somebody calls the other person non-stop every single day and harasses them you can get like a like no no no no how could a company how could they not just block his number that's what i'm saying probably because it's like a public government thing and you can't just not give him access to complain when that's there seems like there should be a level where they're like, okay, this institute's rule 7B of the

737 handbook. It's like dude called way too much. Way too much. No thanks. That's what it says in there? Cutting them off. Cutting them off. Okay. Where's the fucking article? I'm going through 47 ads.

Alright. Nashville residents desperately seek help for man missing half his head Where's the fucking article? I'm going through 47 ads. All right. Nashville residents desperately seek help for man missing half his head. Oh, I saw this. What the fuck? I saw a video of this. He was like picking at his head. Oh, this is fucked.

This is so wild. Okay. And exactly why it's on this show. Of course you never know what you're going to see walking down Broadway these days. I've heard it's great this time of year. But folks in downtown definitely weren't expecting to see a man missing half his head. And it got locals concerned for him. You just read that as downtown Nashville.

Can you try again? Down, you're just going to say it like that? No pizzazz? It's downtown Nashville. Sorry. But folks in beautiful downtown Nashville. Thank you. I feel like I can make a move on. I can only go so far.

I'll start coughing. There's got to be some sort of a limit. That's what she said. Ah, yeah! Over the past few days, numerous posts have popped up on social media and Reddit from Nashville residents who were alarmed when they spotted a man strolling around downtown. That beautiful downtown Nashville was part of his head missing. Yes, you heard that right. Yeah.

Fucking A. And this is a tweet. There's a guy in Nashville walking around with literally half his head missing. His skull and brain are visible. I mean, if we were closer to Halloween, would anyone care? Remember Massive Head Wound Harry from SNL? Yes, I do. Dogs like eating at his brain and stuff.

That's what it reminds me of. Okay. Photos of this man have been posted online and it's been reported that he checked himself out of the hospital because they wouldn't let him smoke. That's only a rumor at this point though. Sir?

Beep. Beep. Beep. Sir. I don't know how to say this. Your camel crushes are going to have to wait. Fuck you. Beep! Sir!

Can you hear me with half your brain missing? Sir, your brain is out! Your brain's out! Go fuck yourself, nerd! Your brain's out! Your brain's out! Where's my leather jacket? It's like a dude... Yeah, that's not like walking downtown in it or you have like your butt crack showing or something like your brain yeah the inside of your head the part that shouldn't be outside right is so either way some pigeon lands on

his cranium starts pecking at it and how he pecking at it? He's pecking. And how brains work, he gets super smart and super dumb over and over again. Right back and forth. Switching back and forth. Depending on where the bird pecks. The hypotenuse of the

I like potatoes. Yeah. The hypotenuse of potatoes. No, it's exactly what Einstein was talking about. The theory of relativity is the gay monkey bars. Pie is three, four.

Oh, I'm hungry for cherry pie. Three, four for you. Okay. Either way, the disturbing sight of a man walking around with his skull and even reportedly his brain visible has been enough for locals to sound the alarm and try to get help for the man. Just go up. It's always been there. Although if it's true that he checked himself at a hospital, maybe he doesn't need or want help. What he needs is a hat.

What he needs is the other part of his head. Or that. Yeah, what he needs is a sombrero so people quit bothering him. God. Can you imagine? He's just like You guys have He's like Ma'am So for the people Who can't see it

Like the cowboy hat Like dropping Ma'am Please remove your hat For the national anthem Except for you Oh say Oh God Except for the guy Oh, say. Oh, God.

Except for the guy in row 23D. Please put your hat back on. You're freaking everyone out. Some guy grabbed, he's eating his chips, and he's just like, scooping brain out with a chip, like a dip. That's hot. A brain dip? Yeah, I picture people talking to him, like trying to convince him, but he's just so stubborn about it.

Like, hey, sorry to bother you. And he's like. Your brain is out. He takes his glasses off. He's at a Starbucks. And like, hey, sorry. He takes his glasses off and, you know, looks away from his computer and he goes, your fucking head's missing. No, it's not.

He puts his glasses off. He goes, yeah, I'm researching it right now. Yeah. on web he's on web md he's the little body he's pointing at it signs signs you're missing half your head he goes dude just go look in the mirror like that's not on no he's missing the part of his brain that's in charge of self-awareness yeah i just can't tell he goes that's are you sure you're the 50 000 person to tell me today that was just a weird haircut okay sorry sorry to bother you i know you're just trying to enjoy your morning i am thank you i'm on a tight schedule i love he's you know he's sitting there i gotta get a smoke break and go back to the hospital so i was like excuse me sir he's like what yeah let me guess you're

gonna tell me about my fucking brain being out. I get it. You're acting like you've never seen a guy with his brain out before. What? Never seen a brain

in public before? And then crushes it to make it a menthol? He's like, the camel. Yeah, puts it out in his brain? It's an ashtray?

I picture him picture maggots crawling around. I'll let you finish the article. I have so many questions about this man. Several users on Nashville subreddit claimed to have seen or interacted with the man confirming they've called 911 for help and others say they've offered assistance and he declined.

He's like, dude, I'm fine. What is the big deal? You don't get it, do you? While others say that he hasn't been out walking around like... He's been walking out... Jesus. You're killing it. While others say that he's been out walking around like this for years...

Old news! Yeah, it's all... He's got like... Oh my God. You're not going to believe this. I just saw a guy with half his head missing. Yeah, yeah. He's been here since 19.

Dude. He moved here in 2018. Boring! It's like, we all know that. It's like, we have a... You know, there's always a guy around town that everyone knows. Oh, No Head Hank? Yeah.

Yeah. You've seen him around? Yeah, he's fucking everywhere. He comes to all the shows, dude He loves rock He loves country music, dude Of course I've seen him, that's a no-brainer You'd have to have half a brain to think

That I don't know who fucking No Head Hank is Get the fuck out of here Yeah, blah blah blah, what do you want to drink? Some people have reported him Seeing him as far back as 21 Okay, he's been doing it. Though everyone seems concerned, one comment on Reddit claims that the hospital knows about the man and has for some time. But he's actually fine.

Of course, I think. He's fine. I'm fine. Of course, I think fine is pretty relative. Either way, it's a pretty sad situation. And one's alarming quite a few people in Nashville who are desperate to get this man. You know what's funny about that? As they say locals in Nashville, they're

probably not locals in Nashville. They're people visiting Nashville or seeing that guy. And all the locals, yeah, they've probably been seeing him for years. Yeah, he's fine. He gets around. The same as the airport complaint line. Guy's sitting there. There's a guy with half his fucking head. Next.

I'm not sure what the um what the protocol is but i'm down on broadway and there's a guy with a beep yeah yeah yeah half a head got it it's him running the answering machine any new calls today nothing nothing boss any any people concerned about half your head? Nope. I love it if he was trying to cover it up some way. Are you telling me half the story? He's living like everyone, like his boss doesn't know that he's got half a head. And so he's trying to keep it on the DL. Anyone called?

No, no. No calls today. No. Nothing about a missing head or brain being out or anything? I don't think so. God, man. it seems like this half a head but I don't even know why we had to set up this half a head hotline then beats me half-headed hotline all right so here's a video oh yeah so I've seen it you've seen it Zach have you seen this no okay when we read this article and you think, what do you picture

when you hear half a head? What do you picture? Missing a big chunk of his brain in the back. Or the side, maybe. I saw a video of a dude that was like, his whole head was caved in. Oh yeah. Fuck yeah.

I told you guys about my buddy who was in the fire. His head was like that. Yeah. He had brain surgery, and they took out half of his brain. Was it the good half? No. No. He still kept the good half.

He's a good guy. Fuck yeah. Yikes. Give me the George Bush look there, Brian. Yeah. All right. Let's show. Let's show.

And for users, just type Halfhead Henry. Nashville Halfhead. Look! No. It's a headband. Too much headband. Whoa! Damn.

He's just like picking at his skin. Just having a normal day. There's another video. Wait. Go down. It's going to loop, though, so be careful. But my goodness, this shows it a little. It shows the brain thing a little bit more.

Oh, my God! Okay, watch. Dude. He doesn't look well He almost fell over He's just walking in that last step Ready here it comes Look at that What the fuck is that

You have to see it I mean it's a miracle Lord works in mysterious ways. Yeah. But no wonder people are concerned. Sorry, I just scrolled down too far in the next article. Man arrested at Kid Rock's Nashville bar for swinging his colostomy bag at police. No, I said that.

Again, for the fifth time this week. Yeah, again. Actually, that's funny because I read that as well, and that's not the first time. Nice. Is this it? So good. Okay. So funny.

That's fun. Yeah, that's fun. Okay, let's get to a petty beef. Okay. Sent in by Eugene. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef Courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real the

cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef gosh i always love the marriage ones because it does get like right to the petty it's not like a whole lot going on just fucking hate you yeah you love each other but you hate this thing you do yeah um i guess this one's that might be a little bigger than that i mean depending on who you ask but to me it comes across as like yep sounds like you're married and you've been married for a while i have a petty beef i've been married for a while. I have a petty beef. I've been married for 16 years. It sounds like it. And we have a pretty great relationship.

I feel like the words pretty great weren't in the wedding vows. It's been pretty great. Listen, and I promise to forever be pretty great. This problem is pretty simple, though. When we take my vehicle, she will stand there until I've removed the items in my passenger seat. I can see it. I totally understand when my backpack or a large item is there. Yeah, I'm going to move that.

I'm not a complete dick. Now, I have a problem when she stands there because it's like a napkin or a crumpled sheet of paper. We will have a stare-off in these instances. And she usually will get a little irritated because I don't usually fold on these much smaller items that I'm okay with tossing on the floor. Just kind of give a little sweep onto the floor. Dude, that stare-off. Your carriage, my lady. Like the door is like, and she's just standing there. She has the trendy big Dude, that stare off. Your carriage, my lady. Like the door's like,

and she's just standing there. Like she has the, like the trendy big glasses on in her purse. With her purse. And you're staring at each other and he looks down. And it's just like a fucking napkin. You just look back at each other.

The car, the car's like. You gonna get in? Checks his clock. Checks his watch. Reaches over, just. Okay. you gonna get in checks his clock checks his watch reaches over just okay and then she just gets in and then you continue on with your marriage you're pretty great relationship god that quiet and again eugene i'm just giving you shit i'm just i'm not saying your relationship's not great uh it has some stare offs usually gets in irritated because i don't usually fold on these so am I wrong for having the distinction in these moments? Also,

there have been times where we take the family vehicle, which she usually drives. She still sometimes has items in the passenger seat, but she does not try to return the favor. Maybe this is more of an old-fashioned chivalry thing. But can't these things go both ways?

May that is... That's not a real sentence? May that is... That's not a real sentence. May that is... Maybe that's an entirely different beef. That's not a real sentence. Well, that's my dilemmas. I still owe you a letter of my latest wood-burning art project,

so I need to know the address to send it to. Love the show. I'm really behind, though, so I'm catching up. Thanks, Eugene. This is also kind of an old email. And he did send it in. Love the show. I'm really behind though, so I'm catching up. Thanks, Eugene. This is also kind of an old email. And he did send it in. Because, Eugene, we showed... It's sitting right over there. We have the

burn art that you sent in. So I'm glad you got the address. But yeah, we were digging through Petty Beef and in the emails I think I did the old two finger swipe. And I was like, oh yeah, I remember this one. God. That is a fun one you guys i mean have you anything in a relationship that you get to the stare off point you know what this does remind me of brian and then we'll jump back to the to the the matter at hand we had an email

a long time ago that made us both crack up and i think it was a it was a pot that was left in the driveway by by a car yes and i don't know what the fuck the pot was doing out there i don't remember but there was a pot in the driveway and both of them refused to pick it up yeah i remember I remember I think it's like playing chicken like every day they park by it everybody and nobody touches it they're like I'm not fucking

touching that pot and I don't know how long it's been there but there was months and months like over half a year in that original in that original post

I visualize it like the wife wanting the husband to pick it up and then here and then just visualizing how this goes and then he's like i know she wants me to pick it up but why can't she pick it up so he's like i'm just not gonna pick it up because i know she wants me to and she's fully capable of picking it up so i'm not gonna do it and then she just keeps getting madder and madder because she wants him to pick it up she's like she's like i didn't i didn't fucking put it here it was like yours

your project well you could do it too i mean are we not a no this is not a team but who's the captain you want to fight i'm the captain now i'm the captain now uh i i want to go back real quick because I think you're doing this guy a disservice by saying that pretty great you're taking that as like a I'm just being funny I apologized when I heard we have a pretty great relationship

I hear that as like we have a pretty great not like it's pretty great it's like everything else is pretty great you know that's how i read it yeah pretty so you're probably the qualifier i just want to make sure that these people don't get divorced because you i've been married for 16 years and we have a great relationship pretty great well they could meet it as is it good no dude it's pretty great. It's pretty good. You know what I mean? Like, if you say... It's always how you read it.

We have a pretty great relationship. I mean... Is it great great or pretty great? Baby. Because if it's just great, oh, we have a great relationship. Is my dick big? If you say it's sarcastic,

you hear that, oh, we have a great relationship. Mm-hmm. No, that doesn't sound good. Is my dick big? Yeah, it's pretty big. Or it's pretty big. Or it's big.

Or it's pretty big. It's all how you say it. It's big. Or it's pretty big. If you were like, is she hot? You're like, she's pretty hot. Or, dude, she's pretty hot. Or she's hot. It's all, she's pretty hot Or, she's hot

That's all how you say it Or, okay Dude, she is hot Yes, she is pretty hot Or, she's hot, yeah Is she cute? She's hot, yeah Or, yeah, she's hot

That's all how you say it She's pretty hot How's your relationship? Dude, it's hot. Mm-hmm. That's all you say. Oh, she's pretty hot. How's your relationship? Dude, it's pretty great. How's your relationship? It's pretty great, I guess. So the napkin, the standoff, I imagine. I feel like this is a standoff.

No. Yeah. Pretty is a qualifier to lessen the next word. Like, it just, it always will be. All right. Because it'd just be great if it wasn't pretty great. Oh, great. The napkin is sitting there and you just stare at each other.

He's like, he just opens, like, the middle console and just throws more napkins in. Yeah. Close it and just stare at her. You getting in? Are we doing this? Okay. Reaches over, shuts the door. Shakes off.

See you after school. yourself bitch fuck your napkins i i mean yeah but the problem i get his thing because in a relationship unless your skill set is that that is your like your area right but if there is a job to be done both people 100 should do it so if like you're expected to move it out of the way if you're getting in the car and you guys have shit in your car which is also something i don't do like i i don't just leave shit in my car like park and i grab all the trash and i get it the fuck out of there before i leave my car he squeegees everything the seats and I get it the fuck out of there before I leave my car. He squeegees everything, the seats and everything. He's a very clean man.

And then I fuck my seats. Stick my dick, like the headrest is adjustable. We know. So I can stand up and get smashed. We know. And just fuck the passenger seat headrest. And that's cool. No, but this particular situation, that can 100% go both ways.

Especially if it turns into a standoff situation, like a little, we're going to be late. All these things always feel like there's a deeper thing, right? Like, yeah, that's why I think like the wife is wrong. Well, yes. Well, I think like the wife Is wrong Well Yes, well, I think I'm sure she's pretty great Well, I think she's wrong in this case

Just move it What are you waiting for? Like we're all just getting in a car and going Just make room for yourself Like if it was an extreme Like you open the door It's like 15 fast food bags and shit. Like, yeah.

That's a, oh, excuse me. Let's put these in the car seat. So when I got home from my trip the other day, Amber had been driving my car and I got in there and there was trash wedged in the door things, you know? So we got in there and I just kind of looked around a little bit and I kind of went, I went like, I went like this, kind of fiddled. And then went, huh. Was she in there with you?

Yeah. And then I put the car into the thing and we're driving along and she looks around and grabs a bag and starts grabbing the trash. She goes, sorry. I didn't say anything. I just went. You you get in you're like i could pick up like like an empty cup suck on it like that's nothing in there that's weird that shouldn't be in there yeah the married it should have been very powerful your knees are in the steering wheel and you're steering at her he's going sliding the seat back

move the mirror yeah and you're staring at her. He's going, sliding the seat back. Move the mirror. While you're driving, you're flicking the lid of an empty cup, like a coffee thing. I couldn't do this if it wasn't here. You know what I mean? I don't know. If I borrow someone's thing,

if I borrow someone's truck to move, I bring it back with a full tank. Doesn't matter if it was full or not. You do a pretty good job making sure it's clean. Yeah, like you kind of leave it how you left it, right? Yeah. I'm just keeping our joke going. Do you do a good job or do a pretty good job? Oh, I do a pretty good job.

I do a good job. Is your mother-in-law on? I do a pretty good job? I do a pretty good job I do a good job Is your mother along? I do a pretty good job It looks pretty good Did you clean the house? It looks pretty good I have to say it looks pretty good She's like fuck I have to say it looks good

But if you say it looks good it's too high That's too high it's like it doesn't look good Or it looks good. It looks good. But if you say it looks good, it's too high. That's too high. It's like it doesn't look good. Or it looks pretty good. I think in a relationship, especially a 16-year-long relationship, that you guys got to be doing things both ways. Yeah. So maybe she thinks like. Just take care of the problems so that everyone can move on.

Does she expect him to open the door for him too? Yeah. I do that. You should. Not every single time, but a lot of the time. You should, Zach? Open the door for your lady. Why?

Chivalry is a thing that people like. It's a good sign of character. What if they don't like it? Because all these... They're bad characters. All these feminist types. I think everyone likes an open door. Disregard the green hair and open the door.

I get what you're saying. So I open, to a fault, I open a door at a grocery store and let too many people in. Yeah, you become a doorman. But I don't want to open the door for, I don't want to walk around and open the door for her and then shut it for her too. She can do it. You should try it and see what happens. I mean, I have before. It's not like I haven't. Before you know it, you'll be licking buttholes. Do you do it every You should try it and see what happens. I mean, I have before. It's not like I haven't.

Before you know it, you'll be licking buttholes. Do you do it every time, Zach? Yeah. Every time? Shit, no. Yeah, I'm probably 60%. Only in public so that I look cool to others. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, it's about... So you're not doing it for her. You're doing it for yourself. Well, obviously. Selfish piece of shit. Jesus is watching me, not her. I guess I want her to break my door. Yeah. You know what I mean my door Strong lady Should we move on

I was just going to say real quick I think these Things these petty things Are can be changed If you change your expectations Of people right If you don't have An expectation then someone can't

really, they can't get to you. Yeah. So, well, because if they keep doing something over and over and over and over again, it's like, okay, that's who they are. Are they going to change or should I change my expectation that they are not going to change? Or just sit on the

napkin. Yeah. So, that could be her changing her expectation or just moving it herself. Yeah. So that's her or in any situation her letting herself get upset because he didn't move it for her. When she could have moved it herself. Yeah, a little princess move. Dude, I just looked at what article is coming up. Are you fucking kidding me?

No, but... Are you fucking... We'll discuss. Holy shit. Zach, hit it! Please? So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray.

We aren't doomed. Yeah! I was blown away by the picture I'm reading. Goddamn. The picture you're reading? I'm reading a picture. It's a thousand words. When I was in Berkeley, the picture I'm reading. Goddamn. The picture you're reading? I'm reading a picture. It's a thousand words. It's a thousand words.

That's right. When I was in Berkeley, I could smell colors. With my dog. That wasn't Bill Walton. Yeah, so this article, I read it and I was like, what the fuck is happening? What the fuck is happening? Don't worry. There's a reason why it's in the hurry.

We're not doomed. Iceland encourages locals to throw baby puffins off cliffs. Yay! I know shit gets wild In other parts of the world But I was like this is too much I can't wait for you to try to read the town Oh I'm not going to try I'm just going to yell

For presidents of vasectomy For residents For residents of Vesmanajaj For residuals of vasectomies. An island located just off the southern coast of Iceland. Iceland. Pufflin season. It's a special time of year.

Sanctioned by... Fuck! Local officials. Sorry. Brian just stuck his dick in my mouth. Yeah, right. The people of the island flock to the cliff sides with baby puffins in hand, eager to throw them off the side of it. Psychos.

Yay. Did you kill a puffin today? Two. Okay, then you may have seconds. One baby puffin called Pufflings, once baby puffins called Pufflings, reached maturity. That's too many commas. They fly from their colony and spend several years at sea before eventually returning to land to breed. Sounds like a sailor.

Residing on the cliffside nests, the pufflings use the light of the moon to guide them out to the ocean. By the light of the moon. However, due to the increased building development on the island's coastline, some of the baby puffins get lost and head the wrong way, confusing human-made lights with moonlight. Shit. Oh, no. Just think of what mirrors in space will do. Remember that article? Yes.

They're like, is that a moon or is that a fucking mirror? During puffling season, in Vasectomongy, Vasectomongy! It is normal to find baby puffins scattered across town, hiding in crevices and corners. This is so sad. Mm-hmm. I wonder if they're so cute. This is when Puffling Patrol, it's like Paw Patrol, but cuter.

Just cuter. Is put to work. Residents old and young head out into the nights armed with glove, gloved hands, holding Fingerless gloves. Gloved hands. Do you have any weapons? Just these gloved hands. Holding flashlights and cardboard boxes poked with holes, ready to snatch up any baby puffins they come across.

According to annual participants, it's fairly likely to catch up to 10 a night. It's like the best Easter egg hunt ever. the Smithsonian Magazine, two sisters claim they usually catch over 125 baby puffins a season. I picture them like working out at an anytime fitness, or as it's probably named over there, since patrolling is most effective at night, those who catch baby puffins head home and keep them overnight in roomy cardboard boxes.

In the morning, the patrollers head out to the cliffside and with an underhand technique... Like a softball pitch? Yeah, curveball! The baby puffins are launched off the cliff and towards the ocean. Launched? Like a t-shirt cannon?

Yeah, dude. Fonk! Glad we were able to get you out of the city. Keep your fucking head down. your mouth flung close your beak while you technically can't just set them down on the edge or technically you you can just set them down on the edge and wait for them to take off by themselves it's more fun to fucking throw them them locals believe that giving them a helpful toss encouraged them to fly out right away so reading that like it was so funny to me you know just got distracted when doing research for this episode and building the script

i didn't know what website i was on or what i was looking for and i just you know looked whatever looked up and i was like fucking throwing baby puffins off the cliffs because if i mean if there's a bird that looks like it can't fly puffins penguin penguin and puffin they're right there yeah it's like why what the fuck and then also like the the whale murder season that we've talked about oh yeah remember the cruise ship red water cruise ship pulled up during whale murder. Just slaughters. Oh my God. And on board was the PETA retreat. Oh, that's right.

They rolled into the harbor. The people being like, welcome to town. Just fucking beating dolphins. It was dolphins. It was the whales. I don't remember. They were having a whale of a time. But they're like, oh, it's like their entire community is built off of harvesting.

Kids are out there doing it. Kids are out there laughing. It's part of it. Being like, oh, man. Right after this, let's go throw some baby puffins off the cliff. It's cold. Stomp the dolphin. Anyway, so cute. And I thought that was super funny to read that and be like, dude, this world's going to shit.

But they're not. They're saving. Yeah, they're saving. All right. We found something. Alright, we found something. Somebody found something. Somebody found something. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits,

you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! Let's go to Costco together as a couple. Hey look what I found Let's go to Costco together as a couple and get a flung So this is actually sent in by one of our kids. Yeah, you know Lee with the one with the one e

Jamie with two e's leave with one. Yeah, what the fuck? What the fuck's going on here? Found this shopping at Costco. It's a great place. Let me see. What? I'm thinking, my back. Everything hurts. I don't know if we can blow this up, Zach. We can blow anything up.

There we go. So for the viewers, non-viewers, this is Advanced Snail Mucin Power Kit. I'm sorry, what the fuck did you say? Advanced Snail Mucin Power Kit. Okay. And I see they've got a couple different options inside this one combo pack. Yeah. I...

Snail 96 and Snail 92. Like you're reading it like you know what the fuck's happening? 96 and snail 92. Like you're reading it. Like, you know what the fuck's happening. Is that like red dive yellow or yellow five or red dye? Uh, whatever. Yeah.

It's like looking at any sort of like ingredient and be like, Ooh, this is healthy. It's from snail. It's got snail 92 in it. It was good for your eye bags. So yeah, apparently it comes from,

I, I was hoping it came from like Because you were told a story about the snails The slugs fucking So I was hoping That it was going to be like Snail cum That you're rubbing on your face

But it turns out it's just like a KY jelly Turns out it's just lube So lube from a snail no it it it it basically exfoliates from them and it's the stuff that they use to like get around a sticky and it's good for your skin apparently i know whenever i see these kind of off i said i mean not not off brand but just not your normal yeah you're whatever it is like the alternate medicinal purpose things who the fuck found this out like seahorse seahorse shit or something maybe is good for your colon or like of course it is i don't know that's true but like

that's the feeling that's the feeling i get i mean if you sold it at Costco, I'd shove a seahorse on my colon. It's got to be live. Fucking yeehaw. You know what I mean? Seahorse joke. All right, but somebody gave up. I'm trying to zoom in here. It says all about snail mucin, dark spot cure, improve skin texture.

Let me blow this up. Who has What's the trauma Someone's like I would stay with you forever But the texture of your skin Is fucking awful What's it supposed to feel like I don't know more snail-y

What Like it doesn't make any sense but somebody I don't know maybe they had some dark spots on their skin And they're like I give up And they just laid down in the garden to die. And the snail was like I mean, slowly they were in the garden for a bit.

And the snail just brushed up against their dark spot and it was that's not, it's working! Never mind! And he just go out and milk snails? He's just taking a little snail. What do you do for work? Milk snails. Oh, you're not going to believe this.

Snail milker? Snail milker? You should come out to the farm. Imagine that in Indeed. Yeah. Professional need at least five years experience milking snails. And also social media. And also marketing media. And also marketing helps.

Yeah. Or a degree alternative in zoology. Oh, yeah. You went to the University of Idaho? Yeah. Majored in snail. No, yeah. Majored in broadcasting and then had a minor in snail milking.

I'm sorry, what? I don't know. I don't use it. I was worried that I wasn't going to get anything with my major. So I wanted to have a backup. I wanted to at least have a backup. It was a long shot. But look at me now!

Have you seen my products in Costco? No. They're in the snail milk. They're next to the real milk. They're in the snail milk. They're next to the real milk. Next to the cereal. They're in the cereal aisle. It's like coffee, creamer. Cell phones, flung hot dog, snail milk.

Just below the nut milk. Yeah, almond milk, snail milk, milk. Bread, batteries. Dog milk. Dog milk, golf gloves. Golf gloves. Backyard toy a giant playground huge swing remote remote control car 12 pack snail milk and how big like these you know it's costco you get what are you getting like a 40 ounce bottle of this shit do you have any ky left just mix it in with the lube.

I've got something better. This is going to help your skin texture. What? You know what they do? Leeches and stuff are good for you. Somebody had to figure that out at some point. I bet you leeches on a... On a tumor would work.

Yeah, that'll fix it. Leeches on your ball sack, no good. Leeches on your eyeball, bingo. I've got, I use leeches on my eyeballs, I use snail milk on my armpits. On my ball sack.

In my eyes, my crow's feet. Ah, man, they only have snail 98. Do you guys got, you walk over and push the button? Be the assistant to walk over hi do you guys have snail 102 no just 96 and 94 i'm afraid okay are they not in season right now are they hard to catch no No, no, no. That's not the problem. We just have a hard time finding old snails. They're extra slow.

It's hard. We're having a hard time finding people that know how to milk, to properly milk these snails. Yeah, Joey's snail farm only had 96 and 98 this year. It was a rough year for the 102s. Oh, okay. Okay. I guess I'll just have shitty skin texture. It's a bad crop. This snail mucin

doesn't match my skin! We had a bad snail mucin crop this year, so sorry, we only have 96 and 92. Alright, let's read some emails. Zach!

Hey, Lugard! Alright, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. I guess picturing like a school field trip going out to a snail farm. All right, guys, don't scare him.

Can we feed him? I don't think you want to. He's like reaching your hand through a gate. There's one snail in a horse stall? Be careful! The size of an actual horse stall. It's just like moving over. Well, we don't have all day.

They treat it like a lion. They're like, don't put your fingers in there. There's a leash on it. I'll do the first one since it's shorter. Fuck yeah, you will. First email's coming in from our crutch fucking son, Eddie. Hey, guys. Hello. I had this happen yesterday.

This is an older email, so it didn't happen yesterday. To me, when I actually needed it. When I was on crutches one week post-op for my ACL reconstruction surgery, I went to Walmart to go grocery shopping, and these two fat fucks ran past me to get the two scooters. That's a reality show I'd watch. It's just called Two Scooters.

And there's three overweight people and they have to go shopping next week on Two Scooters. Well, I kind of picture it's a mix between supermarket

sweet. Supermarket sweet and two scooters? Yeah, it's musical chairs. Ah, you're out. You're not eating this week. I guess you're out. I just like these two fat fucks because he's so pissed. He's over it. I never used one before.

It was actually kind of looking forward to it. Oh my God. To it. And it literally ran past me. One half tripped over one of my crutches and caused me to stumble and put weight on the bag leg. So not only did I now have to just follow my wife around the store, but I was also in pain while doing it. It's so sad. People suck, Eddie.

The disappointment. And then you're walking, you see these people around the store just pissed. Do you want to go to the store with me? Do I? Oh, I finally get to use one of those scooters. The whole drive you're like, Eddie gets a scooter. Eddie gets a scooter. Come on, sing it.

Eddie gets a scooter and he's gonna ride around. Look at the two of them. There's two of them. What could go wrong? And then just falling, just like crutch noises. Do we need eggs?

I don't know. Eddie, it's not you've never used, you're gonna be fine. Yeah, I guess, but Like crutch noises. Do we need eggs? I don't know. Okay. Having Eddie, it's not, you've never used, you're going to be fine. Yeah, I guess,

but I don't know if we need eggs. Okay. He's like the drive home. He's just fucking quiet on the way there. He was like, he's going to get a scooter and walking around the store. Did you pick up your prescriptions? No.

Did your mom pick up her prescriptions? I'll be at the fucking Doritos. Meet you by the salsa verde. Give me a head start. I'll meet you by the chicken. Because, I mean, I'd ride with you. You might ride or die, you know that. But apparently, Eddie doesn't get a fucking scooter.

There's two fat fucks. They need a ride or they're going to die. And you're like, you make it to the chicken. You grab the chicken and look up like, ha, ha, ha, ha. The other people are laughing

and like, drifting around the vegetables. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Sick drift. You're like, God. Excuse me! Fuck you!

I bet you're going to the ice cream section, you fat fuck! Just stick your fucking crutch in their wheels. Get out of here! Oh, my God. Alright, our second email is coming in from our kid who wants to stay anonymous because they're emailing on the clock. Hey, daddies! Please keep me anonymous as I'm emailing on the clock. I want to talk about porn. First, I'll say this.

I've been revisiting old episodes while working. Nothing else compares and life is really stressful. Nothing. So I need a fucking laugh. So I guess listen to the Star Wipe story Joe told. Way back. Way back. Welcome to the show if you don't know what I'm talking about

watching porn and it was an anal scene and whoever was making the porn decided to make a star wipe transition out of an asshole pulled it out, asshole gaping and then it went

and transitioned to the next scene with a star wipe. And there went my boner. Not sure if this competes or I might just be fucked in the head. So much like Joe, I enjoy anal videos. Now I bookmarked this video, but it got lost

amongst the 1054 other videos I deemed worth saving saving so that's sad i love he's saved so many he goes back he's like i want to find that one i saved i was like oh shit i saved a lot spends more time like trying to find the bookmark video than just like going he's like he's got to turn on his filters he's like anal ebony anal plus dick plus lonely minus tits it pops up plus fuck yeah plus dick again ah the way they're titled you have to put the dashes in? Because the website? Big dash, black dash, dick.

Stepdad fucks black stepdaughter. Stepdad dash, fucks dash, gape dash. Babysitter dash, wife dash, caught. Fuck. Was it the babysitter? Big-stepdad-anal-gape-not-babysitter. Fuck! I love, I deem worth saving. So that's sad.

So picture a well-hung generic Keanu Reeves just blasting this hot melt, this hot milk and this hot melt, this hot milk from the, this hot melt, like just fucking a sandwich. Jesus. You want some extra cheese? He just cuts, like, you see this guy's face,

and he's like, he's all sweaty, he's like, you want some fucking extra cheese? And then the camera changes. That's a weird thing to say. The camera changes, he's fucking a hot some fucking extra cheese and then the camera changes weird thing to say the camera changes he's fucking a hot girl that cheese sandwich oh you fucking fully loaded

and then just the dick and bread yeah who you calling turkey occasional dirty talk then out of the blue balls deep in between heavy breathing, he says, I respect you. Star wipe. Just kidding. You're doing a great job. Yeah, between heavy breathing, he says, I respect you. Listen, we can still make it to dinner.

It was totally unexpected, and I laughed so hard that I went half soft! So now I fantasize about the next time I get laid and saying, uh, saying either this while mid fuck or making a pigeon noise like the character of gunner Halifax. What up Zach? Yeah.

Hope this makes you laugh. I hope you read on the show. I strive for proper punctuation. I think we know why. It's cute. We know. Yeah. It's real fucking cute.

Real cute. How about you go fuck a sandwich? I respect you. I don't respect you I respect you now fucking take it Okay That's it that's show number 119 We're gonna get to the bonus stuff You can sign up and be a part of that

There's a ton of content I don't even know the amount of hours It's gotta be at least a billion Patreon.com slash canYouDon'tPodcast. Got Instagram. Got the video version. Got the email to send stuff in at heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com. Rate and review us. Check out Gunner Halifax.

Nah. And everything else at Not Creepy Uncle Zach. Pretty creepy. Pretty commie. Pretty commie, yeah. Uncle Zach on Scatcast. Scatcast.com. That's scat with a K.

And thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Canyon Hill Playground on Facebook. Got a joke. Let's joke about it. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Wake up. No, no. I was actually yawn laughing just picturing the search results.

Just the way that, it's like Amazon, but for hot milf fuck ass. He types in that much and there's still 796 results. Hot milf takes big dick gape fuck and it it's like whittles it down to 200 he's like I'm never gonna finish nevermind fuck it I'll come tomorrow ready? you ever open up two windows you're like I can't decide

I haven't done that I know how it works so if you the internet sometimes you want like maybe you want a doggy shot you're like yeah i'm into that but then you're like sometimes like maybe just like a full-on bj where she's just like really you're like i can't decide so just put them right next to each other go for it you got a little it's like a weird three-way going four-way you

got a multi-screen uh my favorite disney Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. What is that? I love a hero with a twisted backstory. Scoliosis. This is pretty funny. Scoliosis. Oh, man. He never got checked.

No. He never played sports. No. That's how you know he didn't play fucking high school. You do that where you bend over. Okay looks good. He bends over like we're Fucking hits his head against a plant You gotta stop Just swings Looking back at her

Well, bad news you can't play play baseball. Can I ring the bell? Yeah, you can ring the bell. Okay. That's all I care about. Ring the gong. See you next year. Don't bother coming back. This is going to have you fucked up for quite a while.

Dude, you're fucked, dude. You need more money to fix it. You're just a fucking bell ringer. I haven't seen that movie in a long time. Bell ringer? If what I'm saying doesn't make any sense. No. Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I feel like you'd live in the bell tower, right? That sounds right. Okay. Perfect. All right, let's do the bonus stuff. Brian, say bye. Bye.