Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | New Cat. Two Pencils. Lobster. Taco John's.

Episode Date: December 31, 2025

We can understand stealing expensive things like diamonds, watches, jewelry... but a ton of lobster?! Let's talk about that, wrapping your kid up and hanging them on a hook, why we don't deserve dogs, shoving weird stuff up your b-hole, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?! *** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/pItUAS2A50QSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

New Cat Two Pencils Lobster Taco Johns What's Happy New Year Do you have any new year stuff in the show? I have one

And it's very fitting for For You look at our logo. I just wanted to remember the name of our show. He's looking at her balloons. Where am I? Yeah. Yeah, no balloons.

Happy. Happy, whatever. Can't wait to watch. I mean, a lot of cool things happen. We have a fucking cat now. Woo-hoo. Like, what? I'm not even like a cat guy.

You don't seem like a cat guy. But we've talked about it on the show, the older I've got, the more I've liked it. I think I had a little bit of PTSD growing up. We had a cat. C-C. Whoa. What was that? Is that an earthquake?

We had a cat growing up, C.C., which stood for a Calico cat. And she sucked. There was a store called Calico Cat in Moses Lake when I was a kid. Just no, just had wanted nothing to do with you. So I just kind of, you know, held that grud. That's on far with cats. But beyond. Beyond just normal, don't want anything to do with you.

Like hiss at you, avoid you scratch you if you tried to ever touch it. It sounds like my grandma's cat. I thought you're just going to say it sound like my grandma's cat. I mean imagine hi grandma going for hugs like it's in the face like fuck god grandma yeah but it was a good time had a very good Christmas I was in Moses Lake what for a day and a half

oh did you cut it were you planned on two days but cut it short no it kind of bummed to leave we have fun there fun family time I didn't go out anywhere that's probably why we stayed at mom's house hung out and played games love it love it i'm gonna talk a little more about that aren't we with the what do you thinking about yeah send in your content suggestions including stuff for petty beef uh hey guys at candy don't podcast dot com of course honkathon is on uh working our way through we know it is notoriously just a tough time uh i think in all entertainment world yeah i remember

this happening uh when i worked in radio radio radio guy three-sum sex where it was just hard to get to anything during the winter months here. You know, people don't move not much going on the wintertime. And then the holiday stretch, their rhythms

get, you know, shuffled around. They're not able to just do what they want. You got to like fucking care about people or whatever. And that sucks. That's also going to be more in the way you think about. It's kind of the obligation type stuff. So more about not

caring about people than Christmas is what you're saying is what we're going for with the what are you thinking about i mean i don't know we'll see when it comes out okay i don't know what i'm to say yet uh so we're still just hovering right around 425 yeah because people are in there they're like yeah they're probably uh i think you mentioned this before we started recording uh cutting back on us to change their life in a gym and then they'll cancel that and come back yeah so we're just waiting for that in february is going to be huge influx of people Because they've given up on the... Yeah, we'll be here.

We're waiting for you. Fuck that treadmill. Uh, Zach gets his camera at 450. See, that's just not good incentive. Why would they want that? I mean, the hot air balloon rides there. Yeah, that's a good one. So, uh, and then 500.

That's when we get the extra Patreon episode every single month. So, uh, we're doing lap time on the show today. Zach, you got a little preview? Yeah, we're going to do old school parenting stuff that is no longer popular or useful. Or legal. Or legal. Yeah, for sure. That one.

But some of them are, wow. Popular or useful. useful? Those are funny words that are frowned upon. That's a good way to put it. They are frowned upon now, yeah. Including stuff that we grew up with, which is pretty fun. But let's think of it this way. We're here. So it worked. We didn't die, though.

We didn't die. We made it. Made us stronger. Made us stronger. And here we are. Okay. Well, looking forward to that, Zach, boo. Oh, yeah. All right, let's get into it. Let's just get this show rolling. Zach! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. All right I remember

I had much been years ago now where we had I love these types of like starting questions where it it's not just like magically picking this or picking this but it has like

you kind of have to really think about like your athletic ability and I think the one that we did was about trying to get 10 yards Oh, yeah. Right? Uh-huh. Or was it one?

Or a free throw. Or was it five yards? Yeah, free throw was in there too. Where you can do it. Yeah. But, come on. With this much pressure, could you do it? Well, yeah, the football one's a lot different because you're battling 400 pound.

And was it trying to score from, I forget what the setup was. But you guys like absolutely not. But that's, really? Was it first down? I feel like I wouldn't have picked, give me the ball coach. But I feel like I did pick that. I was pretty sure it was something like that. 10 yards.

Against NFL guys. Right? I feel like that's, was it against positive yards? Like if you just fell forward? No. No. Okay. Well, anyway, it's as long those same lines.

You were pretty confident that you could do it. What was I doing? I don't know. What an idiot. You had a lot more confidence back then, Joe. Wisdom. I got wisdom now. I was six months ago, I think.

My hairline has gone back several inches since I thought I could do it. It's gone back for every inch for every yard that you had. would get stopped. You get six chances to bowl a strike. If you do... We're talking about bowling here. Yeah. You get $10 million.

That's a lot of clams. But if you don't, you get turned into a dog. Would you take it? What kind of dog is that? That last gutter ball and poof into a chihuahua? Yeah, you throw the gutter ball and you just... Oh God, please! It's the Woody Harrelson face right before he gets blown up

and speed you know what I'm talking about you're just kind of like boom what are you going to do yeah and all of a sudden you're you're a chihuahua but one of those mangy chihuahua is it where the teeth are like mm-hmm I you know bowling is bowling I feel like all of us here I know how to do a strike do a strike that you know how to do it you know how to do it you throw the heavy thing and then there's

things down there and you you knock them over. Do you put curve on it? I have progressively gotten worse since I started to do the curve. If I just go straight on, I usually end way better than trying to spin that ball in. I'm just not out there putting the time in, you know? If I try, I feel like if I try to bowl straight, it won't go straight. Almost, it's like, you know that athletic thing where I feel like if you're going to, like, let's say you're at a carnival. and you think about

like it's throwing it straight on to hit your target like if you're throwing a baseball one of those little Muppet looking things the little you know I think I'm more accurate if I rear back and throw it like a baseball

yeah that's what you're used to yeah that's what you're used to because I more I but if I you think you think in your brain like aiming it up like a dart would be better but just rear them back and throwing it if I'm bowling I think it's I'm better if I try to put spin on it

okay because then I'm I feel like I'm adjusting by the, what's a spin? Is there anything more embarrassing than putting a real spinner? And he just goes right in the gutter. Watch this, kids. Drying your fingers off. Yeah.

Ranch in your beard. You brought your own shoes. Yeah. Your own ball. You brought your own ball, but forgot your shoes. Yeah. It's the big urn with the rose in it. Yeah.

Just a glorious thing. You're making a second one of those. Yeah. I've been, if you're wrongings of that. um here's okay my thing on my my first initial thought is if i had no idea this was on the line and you gave me six chances to bowl a strike three frames pretty much yeah i uh i think i don't i don't i think i would have like no problem bowling a strike out of six balls but but if someone was standing there with a remote control someone they they warn me that this is the thing and now

the pressure is on they're holding a leash yeah you're wearing a leash just so when it happens you can't run away oh no you're in it now buddy

retractable leash it's got a shot color the shot collar just a guy in a suit glasses he has a like some kind of device with a button on it

and clipboard and then a retractable leash and you're standing there like like you're running up it's like run it up it's like you

You have to follow me. That one doesn't count. Do you line up on the dots? Yeah. Or you just go for it. Yeah, look at the dots. Yeah. I feel like in six tries, you almost always get a strike every one, like every three or four, right?

On accident. Yeah. That's what it seems like for me. As long as you don't throw a gutter ball, like you're still got a reasonable chance of bowling a strike. And if I could be a beagle, that'd be a good thing anyway. Yeah, it would be so bad to be a beef. Biscuits, yeah, come on. It would, yeah.

I guess it just, it just depends on how much you care. Is $10 million worth just losing all responsibility and getting the lay around all day? Lick your balls. I mean, either way, when $10 million, you can lay around and has your responsibility. Either way, yeah. So being a dog is almost like having $10 million. It is. If you find a good home.

You're retired. Well, you go home with your family. Have you ever seen a dog with a homeless guy? They're just as happy as if they had a nice house. They don't know any better. They just like a companion. That's what's crazy is, I'll be driving down the road. Some homeless dude is sitting there like shivering and the dogs laying right next to him.

It's just content. Like this is my guy. This is fun. We're doing this together, right, buddy? The guy could, the dog could get beat by a guy. Like, you've seen dogs, like owners smack their dogs around and the dog still sticks it out. It's like battered wife. Mm-hmm.

Codependent. Mm-hmm. I don't... How much? 10 million? That's a lot of money. It is. I mean, $1 million could retire you.

If you do it right. Okay. You throw $1 million into a high interest dividend fund, and you're retired. That rush, if you get that strike, that's cloud nine. Dude. Yeah, you're big earning it When you hit that thing, you're Oh, the greatest!

You're on your knees. Who do you think you are? I am! I am! You're damn why did it! That's why, number five! I don't... I just can't risk it.

Being a dog is fine, but... You can't risk it for the dog biscuit? I love... I like being a human. Yeah. And having... And if I were to not have that... Imagine coming down to the last one, you've missed on five.

You're on number six. You're like, I either get $10 million or I'm a dog. Ten seconds from now, I either have $10 million or... I'm a dog. I'm a fucking chow. I'm sitting here as a dog. Yeah, you miss it. Like, how long you stand over the little finger dryer?

Just looking over at the guy in the suit? Like, really? He has a custom engraved, like, the things that make the dog tags. He's like, what number do you want on it? You don't want yours because, you know, thumbs or whatever. Like, yeah, just put my wife's on there. Fuck me. And is it instantaneous?

So that last spins kind of going, woo, woo, woo, is it? It's leaning. Or you spin it? Like the huge buildup, and you just go, when it goes right in the gutter. Right in the gutter. Yeah, you're a, it's still, you're a dog in the bowl. Still rolling down the gun.

You chase your own ball down. Oh, what if you... Barking at it? Yeah. Basically what you're saying in your brain is... No. But you're just going... That's wild.

Yeah, I'm not taking it. I'm not taking it. What do you guys think? It's crazy that you were more confident in getting a first down and 10 yards with... In the NFL, you had more confidence than rolling a strike. Yep That's crazy Right, Zach?

Yeah, I think so I don't know It's that solo pressure I get it I definitely get it You're gonna miss all your free throws If you had six free throws You'd probably miss them all

With this kind of pressure right I would have free throws Dude free throws I would hit four out of the six I would hit four out of six I would have $40 million That's one thing I could do Is shoot free throws

Always could Okay um yeah i took bowling classes in in high school as an elective so i'm i'm definitely doing bowling okay rolling you're doing it you're going for it yep i'm going for it fair oh there it is there's the time it's a saturday it's it's just it's saturday people i turned it off during the week wouldn't be ken you done without that i did you see how fast they did it though i was like what are you picking bright guy man is tough.

Come down to it if like making it your kids making it the decision now I'd be like let's take 10 million but yeah standing there and like looking at kids like I could be a dog I'm probably not going to do it driving to the bowling alley with your kids being like fuck 10 million dollars Are we getting home? Yeah

10 million dude 10 million dollars is a lot of money but things aren't so bad right now where I'd rather be a dog it's not that yeah it's not that bad So it probably won't do it. All right.

Zach? I'm taking the bowling. I'm going to give it a chance. I'm taking it to River City Lanes, baby. It depends on who's going to own me afterwards, though. If it's a bunch of Chitrin, no thanks. Well, you would just turn you to your dog in Monique would take you home. Take you straight to the power.

And you'd be fighting the roosters and stuff for dominance in the house. No, shit. I'd just be licking my red rocket all day now. I mean, that's not a bad situation. Get to lick your own wiener. All right, let's move off. What are you thinking about, Zach? Please.

Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? The anticipation is killing me.

So what are you doing, Brian? So since Christmas just ended. How's the fountain? I didn't, I don't know. I didn't go by it. It's usually off this time of year because the water's down really low. But I don't know. It could be on.

It's a new fountain. engineered I don't want to assume anything Yeah Exactly Yeah More efficient Christmas just ended

And I had a thought The other day It was really It's really kind of funny to think about Because I don't think We're thinking about it

In the moment Or You know Because Christmas time It's Everyone's excited To like give gifts Get gifts

And family together Do all these Do all these things But the funny thing about that is it's like the greatest time of the year because you're all with your all your family but it's a very stressful time of the year not as much it's funny because not as much for like husbands because like my wife took care of everything and she does every year um and wraps all the presents you know and you just show up and you're just as surprised about what the kids got for Christmas is there yeah um holy shit you got me divorce papers oh yikes just what i wanted i'm out see you going to go get that 10 mil uh what was I saying

oh yeah um so like okay you have like your family you get your presents for your kids your spouse all that kind of stuff but then you have things where like some families will do what we usually do is um on my on Amber's side

is you have Thanksgiving and then after like Thanksgiving dinner and then they're like brother-in-law's sister-in-laws you know all that kind of stuff like extended family and so you draw names and you do like the gifts exchange for those people so you're not buying gifts for everybody you're doing like a secret santa family family edition yep and my brother-in-law text me uh this was actually huh was the secret santa was that the the situation when you didn't buy your wife a gift that was one of them that i forgot i talked about that that was

one of the best stories. Just to recap, real quick. Do you want this salt shaker? I chose, I drew my wife's name for the Secret Santa gift exchange with her family. And then I completely forgot to get her a gift and showed up. And then we're like, it's time to do Secret Santa and I forgot we were doing it. And I didn't have a present. Yeah, this was probably, I probably told us story before you got here, Zach.

Maybe. I don't remember. But whenever I feel bad about my life, I was thinking about that. That was... And I'm like, oh, never mind. Yeah. I am killing it. That took some time to get it.

Get through. Did not kill it that year. So, it's actually, the last time we recorded, I was driving home and I got a text from one of my brother-in-laws who drew my wife's name and the thing. And he asked a question, he's like, do you think she would like one of these because he was doing some shopping? and then he mentioned so I'm going back I'm like I don't know

blah blah blah and then why are you asking me I have no idea why would I know never I was the guy that forgot to get her a gift I was no I was about to ask you

so he he's asking his questions and then it came up and he's like and I said something about one other presents and he mentioned

that he still had the present from like a year to prior from a another family that gave him a gift he still hadn't opened it so it's just sitting at his house and so then my brain just starts kicking off and it and it's so i started thinking about this whole premise that was stuff like this like gift exchanges where the stress like you're you're

out you're doing your christmas shopping and stuff and you're always like oh i got to make sure i got to get a gift for the gift exchange for someone so you're like racking your brain to think about what they're into and it might be people you only see you a couple times a year and you drew them so you're like what the hell do I get this person so you're at Costco or whatever like do you think they'd like this stove thing or this candle they like to camp don't they or like so you're racking your brain trying to think of all this stuff that you could get them do you think they'd like five pounds of peanut butter pretzels right yeah yes they wouldn't like who doesn't like that kind of stuff i don't know them i don't know this person you say that like she's too yeah they can't even

doesn't have a teeth yet um gotta start somewhere so you you're racking your brain you're doing everyone can relate to that because you're always like you know uncle joey what is what is what's he like he likes football so you're like oh i could get him this helmet display for his desk or something you know like because you're just trying to think like what it what is this person like and when it comes down to it the gift exchange everyone's handing out gifts you open it up and you're like oh that's oh no and you're like trying to pretend that you're like you're like trying to pretend that you're like, that you can, that you can use it. Wow.

Oh, man. Fuck. I've seen these. I saw a commercial about, oh, that's so cool. The worst part about this is that the recycling doesn't go out until Tuesday. What am I going to do with this? What am I going to do with this? Fuck.

And, okay, so everyone can relate to that side of it. And as I'm talking to her, my brother, a lot about this, I start visualize it. visualizing this thing where it's basically like what we do around the holidays and around gift exchanges and Secret Santa is we're basically buying we're spending money that we could have spent on someone else or ourselves

like you're like I don't want to get that new t-shirt because it's Christmas like I shouldn't be spending money on myself whatever that's going on in your brain so you spend that $50 on a gift that they're going to open pretend they like and they're going to hang on to it for a year to never even open the thing and then eventually they're going to re-gift it to somebody else so when you think about it in simple terms you're basically buying a present for a person you don't know for their

birthday buying a gift you don't want to buy give you to someone who doesn't want your gift so they will also give it back to someone who doesn't want it who doesn't want it and never did so that gift may never be opened it could just be this thing that's just sitting in in like a storage unit. And then when that storage unit, when eventually the payment's about it. Yeah, exactly. Someone's going to go in there,

clip the lock, and they don't want it. Yeah. They'll throw it away. 20 years from now, they're going to throw away that Allen wrench set. You thought Al liked. Yeah. Because it had his name in it.

Al, Alan wrench, huh? He likes to work with his hands. I can see the metal compactor. Just, fuck your Alan wrenches. Merry Christmas. It's going to be melted down to make new wrenches eventually. But no, it's funny. Like, even if, let's say that that guy gets that storage.

Let's say Dave from Storage Wars gets that fucking thing. He puts it in his store and it's sitting on a shelf and it says, it says new, but no one wants it on the shelf. So it just sits on the shelf at this picked through thrift store, an unopened box of wrenches that no one wants. A snow globe that's not your family. Right there in Value Village. Unopened. Unopened snow globe of someone else's family? Put that on your work desk? I've been to Value Village before you go in there and there's a

picture frame with an actual family in there. My favorite thing I saw there was a custom, like it was such bullshit. So like a fucking horse Like someone tried to make like a horse out of wood It looked like a nightmare And someone was like five bucks I could get something I get something for this

Fuck this horse Get it out of my sight Knock it over Into a stained lazy boy It's just so funny when you think about like certain Like you get guests for your spouse or You know and you Like so many

I feel bad because so many things my mom would get me like Mariner's things or Husky things but it'd be like this thing that it was like it's like a it's like a football team on a baseball jersey and like the idea and it was in her brain she's like oh it's it's huskies it's on a jersey she's like it's huskies he'll wear it and I'm like it's a cool nice try mom it was like I appreciate it because she

it's the teams that I like she knows that I like it but I'm like I'm just not going to wear this so then it's one of the things I keep it and it's out in my closet for a couple of years and then I end up donating it to something and never actually wear it once and it was like, but it was like money she spent and thought that I

really would love it. You should have more thoughtful. But she was thoughtful. That was the thing. You didn't think about you getting your ass kicked at school. Yeah. For wearing the wrong team logo on the wrong jersey. Come on, mom. No, but

the whole concept of just buying shit. We kind of, we were, you know, we did a little bit of that this year, but really having those conversations with the kids. Like, I think we asked them about a month ago, like, what do you remember from last year? And it was exactly what you thought. So we got them the, like, electronic drum set, and that was for all of them. They remember that. Because it's fucking awesome. They didn't remember the makeup and the gift cards to this place and that place and what they got there. It's like, they just didn't give a shit. Where's that t-shirt? I don't know. My friend has it. Like, fuck!

The funniest thing is, like, just getting cash or something. Oh, yeah. It's like, that is fun, though. It's so funny to me, though, to think about, it's just like, on a holiday, you're just, like, pull money out of your pocket and go here. Mm-hmm. Now we're in love. You know, I love you, right? Go buy something.

I'm not trying hard enough. There's $200. But at the same time. It is the best gift. Here's the thing. At the same time, it doesn't sound personal and it doesn't sound personal and it's, It doesn't, but for what I, the whole reasoning that I just said all this kind of stuff, if you would have just given that person 50 bucks, now they can go get something they actually want

instead of something that's going to be passed from generation to store to generation. You're not finding a $50 bill at Value Village. Right. No, they're going to, they open that. Yeah, they're ready to go. Yeah. Yeah, well, good observation. I think we all feel, just that bullshit thing of what are we doing?

And it's pretty funny. Are you ready to move off? Yeah. Is you the next thing? Will you tell Zach to do it? Nope. Okay. Zach, will you please do it?

Thanks. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. You want to take this first one, Brian? Or do you want me to take it? Well, what's your favorite thing to do now?

I'll do it. Okay. I got to bring my glasses back in here. Fuck. There, I mean, I've been, I feel like I've been doing pretty well. I think you should go back and listen to last week's episode. Oh, look at this ad. What?

And pull this up real quick, Zach? Achieve perfect size. Franka. That's just shapes. Like, that could be on a, like, on a piece of plywood, and I'd fuck it. It just makes it look like it's an ass. It's an optical illusion. The TikTok size.

Oh, no. Have we entered optical illusion yoga pants? I love the idea of, like, just seeing that and be like, God damn. Then you pull them down. You're like, jeez. Christ Pulling You start drawing

It's makeup for your ass For your butt It's makeup for your ass. It's butt butt butt Right 400K Shipment of live Lobsters

Hijacked in route To Midwest Costco locations What? A 400,000 shipment of lobsters Headed for Coxco Locations In Illinois's

Mm-hmm. In Minnesota's. And Minnesota's was hijacked before arriving at its delivery's points. Nice. A couple of X's going. Dylan Rexing, CEO of Indiana Bay's logistics business, Rexing companies. Named after himself. Love it.

Not just rexing company. Companies. This dude's an entrepreneur. Said the shipment was picked up in Tonton, Massachusetts. But never reached its destination. WFLD reported First on the news By first whatever

Top live lobster news station Caring about all the live lobsters Rexing told the outlet That the heist appeared to be part of an organized ring Of cargo thieves targeting high value products Is that maybe they're getting like diamonds And they're like what the fuck is this? Oh my God

I mean Lobsters are kind of the diamonds of the ocean right. Those are crabs, Joe. Loftors have finches. Yeah. Yeah, big ones. But this seems more like crab to me, right?

If you're not watching the video, that was like, that was pretty loud. Really? Think it'll make it through? We'll find out. Yeah. All right. This is a huge issue across the country,

you're wrapping told WFLD. It directly impacts businesses and contributes to higher prices for consumers. Yeah, yeah. So this guy is just, he's laying the foundation to up his prices. That's what he's doing. The FI.R. Is investigating the lobster shipment theft. No arrests have been announced.

Earlier this year, Homeland Security Investigations, H.S.I launched Operation Boiling. Fucking. Oh, yeah. All right. Operation Boiling Point With the goal of tackling Organized Retail Crime In its announcement of the

Operation HSI stated that Estimates show cargo thefts Count for 13 to 35 billion In annual laws So when you get into millions It's still a huge gap But 15 to 35 billion That's a huge gap

So 20 billion is a lot That's a lot Yeah That's a huge range I know I used to think about all the action movies. And apparently that's just happening out there. What?

Like Fast and Furious style? Yeah. Like a lot. A lot, yeah. Yeah, not a couple. It's not like there's like a couple hundred of trucks that someone's like I saw I was in a movie once. Like 35 billion.

That seems to me like that should be the whole industry. That's every day. Every day someone is getting shit stolen from their truck. That's kind of fun. Keeps us on our toes. That means piracy is still alive and well But just on the roads now Just in real life

Yeah Back to the OG piracy Yarr, matey Yeah Okay So This type of thing Has always been very funny to me

When it comes to Heist Uh no Hise for things that matter Like that makes sense Like where was that recent Diamond? Yeah the diamond heist

Wasn't it the Louvre? Did they get caught They fucked forever I think maybe they got cut. I don't know if they got cut, did they? I didn't hear about it. I don't know. I'm not up on my heists.

Yeah. But that makes sense. High school drama. Stealing art, diamonds, money, expensive gadgets. Like if this cargo truck was full of phones or laptops. Uh, or AI chips. People. I don't, whatever.

So all of that makes sense to me. Lobsters? What the fuck you doing with that many lobsters? And what are you going to do? You got a lobster guy? You got to keep him all alone alive. Just walking into a sizzler with a trench coat of lobsters? Hey, y'all new lobster?

How do you even do it? One of those coats, the necklaces in it, but it's lobsters hanging from his jacket? Yeah, he just opens it up because it's like, this one's kind of blue. Got a blue one. What's crazy about that is that with a trench coat, a trench coat, you can have, how many necklaces do you can carry in a trench coat? I don't know, but you could have lobsters carry. the necklaces.

Yeah, but you're probably talking to what, four or five lobsters? I mean, you could double stack them. But that's a lot

around their pinchers, they're safe. Yeah, I don't know, that's a, but how do you get, no one knows that many lobster guys.

Like, I'll have no problem get rid of it. Yes, you will. No one wants that much lobster. They'll go, if someone needs that much lobster, they know how to go

get that much lobster. So you, robbing a, semi-truck with just tons of lobsters. What are you fucking doing with those things? And imagine like, if they're industry

but let's go, it was drugs, right? So they have to start with drugs. And somebody walks up and they're like, hey, can I get a ball? And he goes, yeah. It's your lucky day. If you if you buy this lobster, I'll knock

20 bucks off this, this ball. He's like, I don't want to, I don't want to fucking lobster that I don't want your money. Like, how do you segue in? There's no way. And then on the back end, those conversations where someone actually needs an unusual amount of lobster.

Looking at you, Red Lobster. Those conversations. Like, you got the clip, you got the, whatever, got the pinchers? Damn right, I'd do. And like just the back alley scene, the cop, getting arrested for lobster. I'd rather be a dog.

The SWAT comes through the windows and everything and it's just a guy standing there with two lobsters in his hands. Put your hands up. Sure, drop the lobster. It's alive. It's alive. I don't want to hurt it. I don't want to drop it.

That makes sense. Okay, slowly. Set him down slowly. Now kicking across the floor. This is animal cruelty. Yeah. It's weird because, I mean, you say, I mean, hiding lobsters is a $15 billion. where the lobsters whatever is crazy

but when you think about like how much food is being cooked every day so like if you go to Buffalo Wild Wings and you're sitting there and you're eating like a 12 piece what about Golden Corral that too

it's a callback joke yeah I'm thinking of things that are just in like super abundance so like when you think about how many burgers or like you go to a place chicken wings and like you you one guy sitting at a restaurant eating on wing night and say wing night you're eating that you go around the restaurant there are 15 other dudes eating the wing special at one restaurant that's not even known for wings

and then how many restaurants in the in a city are having that going on and then expand out then you go the whole world it's like there's a lot i mean that industry is like like how are there that many things in the world to be cooked like how are so you it starts to make sense but where do you store these fucking lobsters once you've hijacked them like you have a whole problem distribution you put do you have a giant tank

and they're always floating what if you just let them free like we just don't like it yeah we just don't like the idea they're they're PETA doing it mm-hmm like get them out of here let them go and the guys the guy on the boat's like I'll just fucking catch them tomorrow get out of here

yeah let them all go easy I'll win tomorrow thanks I mean, that's good for the lobster industry, keep its job security. Yeah. Anyway, I guess always found that shit pretty funny. Okay, so we do have a list celebrating as we head into the new year. And in true, can you don't fashion, we're going to look at some butts. Okay?

Okay. So apparently the government is keeping track of what people get stuck in their butts. And these were the worst items this last year. Are you ready for that? Yeah. So it's not a trend that we can get behind. Whether it's due to pure curiosity, misguided chat GBT advice, or, you know, sex stuff, a shocking number of people end up in the ER every year after putting something in their butt

that very much shouldn't be in their butt. What are people doing? Having fun. But their secret shame actually isn't so secret after all. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission actually keeps a database of ER visits and what brings people in, meaning the government has an extensive list of every time a patient has said,

I promise, doctor, I just fell on it. Prison pockets. Of course, the database is entirely anonymous, so the unfortunate soul who lost a corn cob holder inside the rectum can rest easy that no one knows it's them. Just your name. That'd be a bummer. But Defector has gone through the most recent data

to pick out the most shocking, confusing, and squirm-worthy items that were reportedly be stuck inside American asses this year. In addition to numerous sex toys, including a 24-inch-long dildo, two feet. Not in there, stuck. One, two. That wasn't even a foot. One, two.

Yeah. That's a two-foot. Mm-hmm. What? where's how in your heart just go all the way up to your heart it's got to go up through your colon and your intestine right you guys ready for some of these

I don't know just the first two of the top right here nails doesn't I mean the second item here says screws and nails yeah together so is it the fingernails the first one or is it someone just comboed up I think someone put nails in there then someone was like,

I wonder what screws would be like with nails. Baseball. Reason given to see what it felt like. How come they gave a reason with that but not the screws and nails? Hey-oh. Uncooked pasta.

Oh, that's the Facilieri from Seinfeld. Egg. Dog chew toy. Dryer sheet. That'll keep it from stinking. Yeah, make your farts. If you're going to lick a, well. Works for bongs.

Sandal? What? Door knob. I mean, I guess I could see that. The doorknob, you're like, we can have to work with this. Is this really where we live where both two of us at the same time said, I could see that? Yeah, because it's shaped like a butt plug. Yeah.

And it's about to be a butt plug. And it's about the right height to just a little bendy over. Didn't say if it was on the door or taken off the door. Probably originally on the door. I think so. Wasn't left over. They didn't just switch it out. Because you imagine, they're like, I can't get it out.

And so the wife's just like on the other side of the door, unscruing the thing to get off. Like, just hold still. Trying to take it off the door so they can go to the ER. And not be able to sit. Marbles. Turn it. Eye glasses? What?

Prison pocket. Rock. Beard clippers wrapped in plastic. Reason given was feeling constipated for two days. What? all right turkey baster that doesn't make sense

I mean yeah anything that's kind of shape like it's yeah I mean you got shampoo bottle reason given slipped in the shower okay

well reason given there is listen to Adam Sandler Ced's in the early 90s this is the best shampoo bottle reason given

was bored um aerosol can dental pick wine stopper corn cobb holder high lighter lighter invisible

marker two pencils two pencils Were they sharpened? One wasn't enough. Magic wand toy. Seven inch of dildo and pliers, which they used to try to get the dildo out.

But how do you jam the pliers up there? Broken piece of butt plug and tweezers. Again, tweezers are being used to try to remove the broken piece of butt plug. Film canister! Who even has those? He's an old school

He's old school And he's like He's going through what The attic He's like this Will be great in my butt Battery powered light Flashlight

Plastic coat hanger Oh you know It would have been great If it was a flesh light Uh huh Penny light bulb Glass side first The bulb got sucked up

Can I throw out a scenario A quick Mm-hmm What if someone What if someone Got a flashlight Turn it around And jammed it in their butt

So then you could Fuck the flesh light instead of doing the butthole. You're going to be shocked. I've seen it. Have you now? Internet. Vap pen, cord cob style pipe.

Man! That's a funny snowman. Did not come with monocle. Frosty. Monocle not included. Rubber gasket. What? Piece of nose hair trimmer.

Plastic coat hanger. Rectangular travel toothbrush. Baton? No one. one of you lost the race stick hair tie anyway there's just a ton of them this says plastic coat hanger with outside

of hangar cut off so he could drive to the to the ER that makes sense anyway what is this the picture of an Iranian man once went to the ER and needed an emergency surgery because of a deodorant

that he had put in his butt and another picture on here says one Florida man stuck a thermos up his ass it was seen on a body scanner when he was arrested for drugs do you remember the guy that stuck the old bomb up his ass? We had that story on the show it was like an old

World War II fucking bomb and he just shoved it up his ass and went to the ER and they're like they're like they're calling a bomb threat Was you trying to blow up the hospital? I don't know because that would make sense

bombs are very phallic shaped right so yeah But if you, I mean, it would be a good way to, like, let's say you wanted to blow up a hospital so you jam a butt, so no one thinks anything of you, you go in there and, you, or like delivering a baby and it's like, oh, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Do you guys want just some numbers here? And then we'll, we'll get off to our, to our lap time. But from 2012 to 2021, about 38,948. You can't say a. about and then come in with a perfect number yeah about 38,948 people were hospitalized with foreign objects in their rectum each year each year so that's not between 2012 and 2021 that's not a nine year spread that's every year nearly 40,000 people uh the average patient age was 43 brian you're ripe and 78% were male 40% needed to be admitted of everything doctors pulled out

55.4 over sex toys. There's also a list about the craziest things people put in their vaginas and penises. I don't think we have time for that today. In your penis. We'll just go with butts for today. We'll be back. That's a hole for another time.

I just, the butt thing, I still like, I mean, I get the idea, getting it so far where it's like it's lost in. side of you, uh, is kind of foreign to me.

Oh, yeah. I just, cause I, I, I just don't get it. But whatever it's a, but like the people that jam like sharp up their penis and stuff like that, I just, it makes the butt thing make sound normal. Like, oh, yeah. I totally understand that people jam nails in their ass. I totally get it. When you, when you think of it next to jamming like a needle up your fucking dickhole.

the pain the cum god damn it have you tried it what do you think joe all right either of i i just wanted to guess what i thought maybe you were trying to just get out of talking about it

filed under butts emergency hospital sex toys those are the the keywords the keywords just buts you ready for lap time sure okay oh all rise

oh god damn for the golden geese Daniel Spatz Matthew Leonard Jason Gliser Jordan Holiday Daniel Collier The Sofa King

Matt Just Maggie Stokes Rayla Anunaki Neil Dafferty Thank you guys We appreciate it We get sent off that

Thank you video for Rayla It was a silly one We should maybe all the thank you videos we've made. Yeah. I have them all saved up. We just send them to the people directly, but we can make a little compilation. Maybe some... Maybe posted there on the Patreon.

Yeah. All right, Zach, fucking ready for us to sit? Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zach's lap? Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little chits. Couldn't wait.

That was super ready, I guess. Yeah, he's like, I jumped the gun. I'm inside. All right, Zach, you put... Fire it off. Shut up. I'm excited.

What position did you play? All right. You guys, right? Parents was the position that we're talking about today. Okay. That's a fun one. This is pretty interesting because I think that a lot of us might see this as, you know, something to try in the future.

Whoa. All right. Now, this one, I think, just is out of practice in the last hundred years or so, but you guys know about wet nurses. Excuse me? Have you heard of wet nurses? I have not heard of a wet nurse. Yeah.

They're really dry from my experience. In the 18th and 19th century, in France especially, middle class families sent all their babies to Paris. But this just works in general. If you want your child to be milked or to get milk and you can't, you give it to someone else. And they call it a wet nurse. What if you want to be milked? Then, you know, you got to go to the Red Light District, buddy. You got nipples.

So people would send their kids to other people to have them nurse. On someone else's titties. Yeah, it's like a helping hand, but a helping tit. I was wondering if people had heard of that or not. I've never heard of a wet nurse. At Christmas, my wife was, we were talking to my mother-in-law, and she said that she was saved because someone was there to do a wet nurse thing. I mean, the idea of getting to suck on somebody else's tates is not your mom. Sounds pretty sweet.

Nice. Especially when you're young and can't remember any. I mean, milkmaid. This one's kind of interesting. Giving babies alcohol. Okay. From the 19th century through the early 20th, parents regularly gave infants beer, wine, brandy, or soothing syrups placed with alcohol and morphine to calm them or to help with teething and sleep. Wasn't whiskey or rum or one of those?

Yeah, whiskey on the gums for teething. We missed the morphine era. Yeah. Who thought that was a good idea? Yeah. I wonder how those kids turned out. Doctors. I wonder if they had substance abuse problems later.

Activists. This one's pretty interesting. And I think we should probably bring this one back. It's called airing babies. And airing babies is putting babies in cages. In the early 1900s, even in New York City, parents hung wire baby cages out of windows for hours so urban infants could get fresh air and toughen up.

Do you have some kids you'd like to have done that with? Oh, my God. Bring it back. It's so ridiculous. It's like they have the cat windows, right? So in your window, you can have that little. install where it allows the cat to sit outside the window. Feels like it's getting some outside time.

But you're just making you feel better about yourself. But you're doing it outside an apartment window for sure or a house, but you just don't, the cat just can't go outside for whatever reason. Imagine doing that with a baby. But do that with a baby. With that, with 19th century cage technology. I'm sure that was pretty good. Yeah.

This one's kind of interesting. I think we might want to try this too. Tight swadling. Oh. And for months or years, this would happen for a child. From medieval times through the 18th century, babies were wrapped so tightly in long linen bands that they couldn't move, sometimes hung on wall hooks to prevent wandering and occasionally getting eaten by whatever.

They're just hanging a baby and a fucking, like a mummy. See you later. Yeah, for years sometimes. Mommy's going out. Don't go anywhere. I won't. That's what. Do you benefits besides just them not moving?

that's it i don't think it helps him grow any better there's you put a ball gag in their mouth too like what are we doing i think i think parents were more independent back then now we're kind of helicoptery and clinging now as parents it seems like they didn't love their chitrin at all that's all right i think they did they just didn't feel like i mean you paid to get a cage installed outside your window you care a little bit yeah true true and it was the best time to swaddle that baby and hanging on a hook that's some love but i also think you just you had stuff to do you know so you're just you're busy so you're at a ward of i love this kid but i also need him to just fucking sit here for a minute so i can do something we got a country to build i'm late

for tuesday orgy this one's pretty awesome just by the name of it salting newborns can imagine that ancient and medieval practice mentioned in the bible as bad parenting in some context involved rubbing fine salt all over a baby before swaddling to harden skin or so they combine the thing. Jesus. So they'd salt them and then wrap them. So they had calluses or what? Little baby burrito. Yeah, just. Yeah, to ward off evil also, which is, you know, the best way to do that. But it's to hardened skin, which is why I think baseball players look so old back in the day when they're supposed to be 25. Because they were salt swaddled. Robin Yount had a healthy salt swaddle going on. Babe Ruth's secret was salt swaddling. So the sultan of swaddling. So the sultan of swaddling.

The sultan of salt swaddling That goes on a card This one's interesting So colostrum is the name of Or colostrum is the name of breast milk And ancient and Greek and medieval doctors Warned Mothers against feeding newborns Their breast milk, the first milk

Calling it Too Rich and Cheesy Who fucking made that call? I don't know, a priest I think some guy Yeah, some guy on a pyramid Or in a fancy building was like Too cheesy for babies.

What? From now on. From now on, do not give your baby the cheesy milk. Jesus says, where? I said,

I said that Jesus said this. I want the cheesy boob milk. Give me all your cheesy boob milk. Who made that fucking rule? You're right, some guy. Yeah, don't stand up on a school bus. And then that back then they're like, no fucking cheese milk.

Like, just the evolution. What are we doing? Got it? You definitely want to give your baby breast milk. All right. Rubbing babies with lard or oil for their first bath is another thing. Right before salt. Yep.

Just to do it right. To get the pan warm. What you're going to want to do is you need some, you need some, uh, some basil. That sounds tasty. You need some basil, some peppercorn. That's back when people were eating their babies. Yeah. They want to rub Criscoe on it and fucking salt wrap that bitch.

So I guess they would call it. baby basting? I don't know. Beef basted baby. Yeah. A little chicken broth and I want my baby baste. I want my baby basted based. So this might explain some things, perhaps, but between 1910 and 1930, there was advice

from experts that you should not ever handle babies in a huggy or kissy way to avoid spoiling them with affection to prevent socialism or weakness. This is a little bit... We're going to breed a bunch of gays. Comys and gays. Don't hug them or kiss them. So the... Or just charge them.

The science on that has been pretty much reversed, I think. Yeah, that makes sense. You should probably touch your baby. This is interesting. I can't even imagine this. But in the 1930s to 1940s, advice included giving babies extremely solid foods early. So literally a couple days after birth, they would give them bacon, eggs. about three months old, they would start eating the bacon and eggs and coffee every morning by six months.

Can you imagine feeding your kid who can't, who won't shut up and go to bed, coffee? Why was it crying? We're so dumb. On a can of caffeine. We're so dumb. And to ward out demons probably. We were dumb. Come on, baby.

I mean, we still are, but we, you know, you got to do dumb things to realize they're dumb and then you figure it out that it's dumb. it's weird to make the guinea pigs your own chitrin though probably not the best idea come come on baby finish your bacon the science back then was probably that it works and you trust the science just like you know what I mean yeah yeah I'm just picturing a salt swaddled baby hanging on a hook drinking coffee drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette with you it's like a little gerbiled come here baby just hang it up there and smoke a cigarette with your two week year old Just fucking suck it You put hair on his chest

I don't want to raise no gay They don't want socialism Marl I would say Marl Unfiltered Unfiltered Marbrose do probably prevent A little bit of socialism

I'm sure Yeah because you all Did die So did either of you guys Suck your thumb Past the time that you were supposed to I wasn't a thumb sucker I don't think so

I did a little bit I was sucking my thumb That makes sense Yeah right Screw you buddy I don't even want to know That's pretty good I don't even know what you were sucking.

It was thumb. I was just sucking dick. It might have been. You were sucking thumbs? What are you gay? I was sucking dick. Well, in the 1940s, they had some deterrence for thumb sucking. They used capsacem-laced nail polish.

Okay. So they'd burn their little throats and flammable acetone mixtures. So just in case it got too extreme, you could let your little kid's throat on fire, I guess. like a ghost pepper challenge yeah it's all over your thumb for babies why are they crying see I think I mean I really I think we used to just have back in the day

you had kids just so you could run the ranch I'm gonna fix it it wasn't like we're having these kids so we can try and be better yeah it was like we need people to work the farm we need hands just name the kid tractor this kid's got one hand

because the other one's always in his fucking mouth put some acetone on it yeah well you guys this one this one's funny because when I was looking all this stuff

it came up and it's something that happened to me and probably happened to you guys too but sending kids to bed without dinner as punishment

is something that parents don't do anymore apparently now I have done plenty of refused to cook anything else like just fucking eat it yeah

every kid wants something different I remember being sent to but it wasn't like it was just I wouldn't eat the food. I was like, I don't want it. My mom was like, well, and go fuck yourself.

Right. And then, but it wasn't like, you know, it wasn't harsh, but I do remember a couple those. You're good stars. And then I, like, the next time I was like, dude, that fucking feeling sucks. Like, being that hungry that your stomach hurts. Yeah. Like, just maybe don't be a little baby next time and eat the food. You know, it's, it's funny to even think about now because I'm such a, I don't know, I just not like this, yeah, but like, terrible day. Like yelling, like, the idea of yelling at your kid and sent him to their room and they're in there like crying and then not going into the room and like trying to make it better make it better and just instead just letting them cry and and be in pain and do all

the things that help you come out of it like us as a generation now we all want to go in there and like fix it and solve it instead of letting them deal with their emotions like we want to make it better right and we broke the world what's right here's this this this stuff Next two are pretty interesting. Okay. Letting toddlers wash, feed, dress themselves. Toddlers, two to three-year-olds, fully self-sufficient in their daily routines, was about mid-20th century worthy expectations for kids.

Hmm. That's a little up there. But I do. Fix your own coffee. Salt your own body. Go buy your own cigarettes. Fucking nerd. Salt your own.

Salt your own skin. Get a job, baby. I was over some great time. though letting like pepper especially dress herself when she was a kid and just like

this is what we're doing today hockey gloves again go to the grocery store with rain boots and a princess dress no it's cool in a cowboy hat let's fucking go

it's the best sometimes like Perry I'll do that it'll be like I just like I'm not gonna go get your clothes we're going to grandma's

just go I'm trying to get a bunch of stuff today that's basically what happened today it was later late I'm like trying to get the kids go get some clothes on

the fucking real quick side note we've talked about Tesla before in the wintertime things get a little sketchy we could not get the doors open because they have the push like my my son was trying to get in the car and I couldn't neither side I was out there

like banging on it trying to break the ice we could I'd we had to go through my door and everyone had to go climb through the front and then we couldn't go because one of the doors wouldn't shut because the ice the poor Tesla was like help help yeah Elon help

and my mirrors were frozen in because when you shut off it, they close. So I'm trying to back out into a busy road to go and I couldn't see where I was going because the mirrors were frozen in and everything was frozen over. That was fun. Anyway. Thanks, Elon. This one's another one where this was actually recommended by our brilliant government in the 1930s. Oh, it's going to be good. Yeah. US government pamphlets advise starting potty training right after birth. Get him on that toilet right away. In the toilet. I can't imagine that being successful.

Not on in. Just lay it in the bowl. It's pool. This is your home now. You toilet swaddle. Now they can't poop without being in a little kiddie pool or something. And then punish them for pooping on themselves. Make them feel bad.

Yes. That is how you treat children. And cover them and salt and hang on the wall. Yeah. Kids need shame. Yeah. Put your fears and shames on your kids immediately. Kids have to feel guilt.

Yes. Soon as they're born. It helps them later in life so that they're anxious and angry all the time. Yep. full of guilt and, you know. This one's one of my favorites is spitting on newborns for blessings. In some traditional cultures, parents spit on the baby's face or ears for good luck. I love you.

Seven years. And we all start thinking about Ace Venture too, right? Mm-hmm. All right. This is pretty, I mean, circumcision is kind of when you think about it, pretty fucked. It's not good. Hot. This is called infilbalation.

Infilibulation. That sounds more like that. Infibulation. That's four different different pronunciations I gave you guys. Inflababalation. Inflavilation. Also known as clamping foreskin.

The ancient Greeks and Romans practiced pinning or clamping the foreskin shut to prevent erections sometimes continued into modern times for purity. You have to tuck that jack in the box in. They never get a boner again. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-d-tete-key. It's weird. Never boner. We decided not, like, I was circumcised, but it was weird when our boys were born.

And they were like, yeah, in a couple weeks, take them to this place. And I guess I hadn't even thought about it until I had kids and then thought about, like, why do we do this? And so we decided not to. And now I'm wondering, like, should we have? but I feel like when our kids as they're getting this generation there'll probably be a lot more kids like a turtlenecks out there

it won't be as as weird as like when we were kids it was like it was all the fashion at the time it was weird if you like if you saw a weird dick that wasn't circumcised but I feel like that's probably changed by now right yeah probably not probably not yeah I think there has been a shift towards more natural stuff

because there isn't any health benefits to it there were lots of claims when we were growing up about it having a healthy effect but I think the natural body is probably best we asked the doctor we're like do there any do you do you know are there like do you have a preference or do is there a preference and they're like they're like well just like for health you know because everyone's got their own thing like it it does help and there are people it doesn't help it's like well I want to ask a doctor does it help and they're like you know we just don't it's it's preference so we never really

got a full answer so we just said not to do it weird we're weird creatures This one is just wrong. Ancient Rome allowed fathers to expose unwanted newborns, especially girls, or sell them into slavery. Yeah. You know, so just let them just sit out there and die. Make a quick look. It's a little different today.

Opium bathed soothing syrups. We already kind of talked about that, but a lot of babies died. Thousands of babies died. Whoops. Just to quiet their crying. Yeah. They got opium and died. Just, shh, ch, ch, ch, ch.

And that was early Victorian, 1900. So that's good. And then back to the no emotional comfort. This was popular in the 20th century, just schedules over affection, warning that responses to cries would create tyrants. I remember actually hearing about that from my grandparents and stuff that if you go to the kids when they're crying, it's going to teach them to be spoiled and shitty. And I think you're supposed to go. I think the crying is meant to let the parents know that they need stuff. Yeah.

Something's going on. Imagine you, I mean, it's different when you're little, you don't have all the world experiences. but imagine you being like stuck in something and you're screaming for help and no one will come help you and you're covered in salt we don't need a little hitler exactly but like that's crazy like if i fell in a cavern somewhere and i'm in like a cave and i'll help help and you're screaming and you're like i desperate and if there was someone out there like don't go don't go you're just going to teach him to be a tyrant you're enabling you're enabling you're enabling his spulunking.

Especially like a kid that, even a kid, like a toddler that's in a car seat and is strapped in and they're screaming and crying, even that drives me, it makes me a little claustrophobic thinking that they're stuck in a seat and scream and crying. Like, what if they're actually in pain, but we think that they're just being ridiculous and crying? And most of the time they are being ridiculous and crying. Most of the time they are, but what if they're like, you pinched something or, you know, like you pinch their skin and you're just driving down the street and they're crying,

And they're like, shut up! And they're like, you're actually physically harming them. Here's a quarter. Call someone who cares. It's like cutting the blood circulation off in their arm. Like, shut up, you pussy. This is somebody that dealt with a colicky baby. That's difficult stuff.

Yeah, it's not fun. Yeah, it's tough. All right, Zachy Poo, give us one more. One more? Oh, let me see here. Secondhand smoke everywhere, leaving kids in cars, cars physical punishments, no sunscreen until the 20th century. Let's do this last one.

uh shit bathing this one's interesting probably not the best one but we'll end on this anyway bathing babies multiple times in hot weather okay so every day in the 1950s magazines advised of course two to three times a day you would go out in the hot weather and of course not kiss or hug them at all but clean them in the in the sun so like just like a hose for demons i think like a bath a bath bath. Outside, demon hot weather. That's a lot of work. What in the fucking church?

It had strict, yeah, strict cleanliness rules. What in the church is going on around here? What in the church? Well, those are fun, Zach. Well, they're pretty weird, right? No, yeah, it's good stuff. Yeah, my pleasure. Yeah, I'm going to smoke a cigarette with my kids.

Yeah, I'm going to share a coffee and cigarettes and my kids. They deserve it. All right, okay, I have some good news. I have a feeling that Zach's really going to like this one. Zachie Poo! So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed. Yeah!

All right, dog stuff. Never missed a morning. Manitoba. Pup goes viral for shepherding siblings to the bus stop. You guys have no idea. This fucker was never missed it. Nine-year-old Oaks and six-year-old Winnie wait for the bus outside their home near, not going to try. Each morning, their German shepherd, Ozzie.

wades right along beside them rain or shine the pup walks the siblings to the end of their driveway waits for the bus to pull up watches as they get on board leaves and then only after the doors are shut will you actually go back and leave them at the end yeah you'll see in the video i'll play a little bit of it where like he watches them and then he does like a little like some steps back on the driveway but then his anxiety kicks in he's like fuck he's got to make sure he's got to make sure the bus and he's like okay he doesn't want to a, you know, he's not phoning it in. Now do I see the breed of dog. That totally makes

a thousand percent sense. So, wait, ready? All right, I'm out of here. I'm leaving. German. One second. Oh, okay. It's got to make sure here. It's like, why are they taking so long? You should be driving off by now. So this is the next day. Oh, I guess there's some sound, but it's not that important. Oh, it's just that.

Okay. So then you get on the bus. Okay, we're ready? We're going now? We're going now? but every day dogs love them do we deserve them

no yeah let's get rid of them yeah we pressure just for unconscious sake uh all right hey look what I found Zay oh wait what happened sorry real quick thought

what is it what if the bowling question was if you miss it your dog turns into a human oh yeah I'd fucking purposely miss it yeah no but I mean like the the idea of this dog that you've

It's been your family dog. He's watched you masturbate. It's seen everything and now it's a human. It's like you're dead motherfucker. That's crazy to think about. It's a person now that you can talk to. Yeah. See, I would purposefully, I miss to get a dog to turn into a human.

What's up, man? He acts the same though. But your dog's no longer there. Yeah, kind of. But that's weird. You just have a roommate now. Got a room in. You got to feed more and really care about their feelings.

All right, Zach, I hope you guys have never seen something like this. Roll it. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found.

Yes. That's awesome. Hi, guys. Hi. So I'm a music guy. I can't recall if I've ever seen this, but I have, oh, what are you doing? What are you doing over there? I just making a face.

For the people that watch, I just make little, little facies. From time to time, I just give a little, some, little peek. Little. Have you guys done a lot of, like, soundscaping, like putting in, like, film score or whatever for a video or any of that stuff? Yeah. Every day, every week for Skack. For your life. Yeah.

So you do it for your life. For the last four years every day. Okay. So you know when you're doing like horror movies or something scary, you're making a trailer, even if it's not actually scary, you put in scary stuff to, you know, add some comedy. And I've been using these scrapes and bunks and hits and swells forever. And I don't think I knew where they came from. And this is what they fucking come from. What the fuck is this?

Yeah. Ready? check this shit out fucking so cool wait till he hits the bonkeys isn't that cool okay wait until he hits the bonkeys

Watch this. This is the one that I've used so many times. Ready? What? We hear it every movie. Oh, that's a screech. Bet that guy's glad he put those strings together. I mean, I don't.

That's fucking what? So that's what they use. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's called the Mega Marvin instrument. It's just a bunch of springs. And I'm guessing who invented it. His name was fucking Marvin. Got to put your name in it.

Like, it looks like a space craft of sorts. But apparently that's where all those sounds come from. So, there you go. I used them yesterday. Yeah. Today's just full of information. Just some guy's basement made that. Yeah.

And he's just raking it in. Hope he trademarked. Yeah, we did. Mega Marvin. Pending. Pending. Patent pending. All right, time to hear from the kits.

Zach? Oh, God! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, Joseph. I don't mean it. Can you guys see it?

He just drew a hand with a middle finger and said, fuck you and shoved it in my face. There it is. Now I have to read. I guess hold up a thing. He's like, don't screw this out. Don't fuck this up. All right.

First email is coming from our son, Seth. Everyone's judging. So you know it's going to be wild and crazy. Adventures of Seth continue because why not? I feel like it's like a little pocket. He's a big, a little character. He had a moment there.

He just really let it go. He did. This is one of them. Here we go. Okay, fuckers. Anytime you start with, okay. You know it's going to be good. I have one last story for you.

Oh, one last. Doubted. Dude, we got to get Seth on some drugs and just get him in some situations. Because I don't want his stories to ever end. Well, yeah. He says maybe. Maybe it's the last story. Nope.

Well, when I was 18, I dated this girl that was 20. I was introduced to her by my friend Cole. And I thought she was banging. Fuck yeah. Turned out she had some issues. All right. Everything was good at the start. But things went downhill.

Quick. Oh, yeah! She started showing signs of being overly jealous and crazy. What? One time. What? No way. One time we were walking in the mall with one of my guy friends and a girl he liked, and she was in between us.

She freaked out of me saying she liked me and wanted to fuck because she was walking too close to me. Okay. So she thought the other chick was wanting to fuck, Mr. Seth. Yeah. That was not the issue. Anyway, not the point of the story. So far... Nope.

So, for a good while, she went and got free food from where she worked. Okay. I feel like I said that weird. No, I think she's getting food. Okay, she got free food from where she worked. Okay. She had a fried fish and cheese sandwich every day for about two weeks. Oh, my God.

And I have no... It just sounds bad. Oh, yeah. Check this out. For two weeks, and I'm no vagina doctor, but I'm sure that's what caused everything. After the first few days, uh... You got it. I just feel like my...

Your eyes are watering? No, they're just kind of like fogging up. Oh. Well, I guess that maybe this because they're... Think it's the cataracts? After the first few days, things started to smell. Sex was fine. Just a little fishy.

Yeah! After the first week, I always suggested doing it from behind. as I had to lean back as far as I could and started holding my breath like Matrix stance dodging the the weight the scent waves just bending back and thrusting

you know it was worth it at the time because I thought she was hot as hell and had a nice ass but it soon became too much the things that dudes yeah and she had a nice ass

so whatever I said doesn't matter yeah one night when we're getting it on she asked me for some kisses I told her okay and started kissing her face

knowing that's not what she wanted she told me not there I want them down there suggesting to her down south area already knowing what was in store

I said okay And slowly went down As I slowly went I lifted up the sheets And was punched in the face By this built up smell that instantly Oh Instly regretted it

Within three seconds I threw up And she asked what was wrong Oh yeah I told her I didn't feel good We called it a night A few days later We got into a fight

In her car while she was driving And I jumped out While she was going 15 miles an hour And called her a crazy bitch Smell you later I guess picture like I know

Talk and roll brother These stories from Seth Like I know they're You know they've happened And they're being shared with us now But every email I picture is like In sequential order Mm-hmm

Yeah Then this happened The next update we get is Whatever he rolled into next Out of that car door So whoever picked him up And then started Like he's gonna roll into like a

You know a little Like off the side of the road I was dating this girl. She, weird. She picked me up on the side of the road one time. Oh, Seth, you crazy son of a bitch. Never stopped sending in. Our second email coming in anonymously.

And funny that Zach brought this up. I don't think he knew this was in the show. Hey, guys. I'm going to send this one anonymously. We know. So I learned a new fun way to verify parental neglect. So did you know that? If you get a circumcision, if it's not taken care of,

the skin can reattach? What? I sure fucking did it! Anywho, my wife was very careful when our sons were born to keep their dicks clean, so the circumcision could heal properly. I did my best to help, but we didn't realize how close to home this issue was. I tend to fancy myself as not prying into people's personal matters if they don't concern me. Well, one day my wife happened to pay more attention as I got out of the shower that something was off.

She pointed out, pretty shocked, had the skin on my dick. was attached to the head. So you save my comment for later? I don't want to forget. You didn't notice? Yeah, how would you not notice? It's your dick, dude? I know every inch of...

Yeah, every nook and crane. I know my dick with the back of my hand. You know what I mean? We knew it was off because I basically got a top-down view of a smiley face when I got hard. I'm going to use AI to recreate that You see the skin reattached Hold on real quick When you did that

I was just visualizing The Brady Bunch You know They're all Just a bunch of dicks Yeah They're all They're all like each other

In the intro You see the skin Reattached on the sides And basically stretches When I get a rouse Causing a big old smile To form on the little fella I never thought about it much

She asked of it ever hurt. I said, sometimes why? She informed me that getting a boner isn't supposed to hurt. Fuck me, right? I just thought that was part of the experience. Part of the plan. It can't all be good. Upon closer inspection, I realized that the way the skin reattached makes me pre-equipped for a Prince Albert to just slide through, which is convenient. So, it's like a little tunnel. A little skin tunnel. Weird. Because I apparently have parental issues bad enough that my body is pre-wired to show it, but I would just look silly because it would basically just be a smile with earrings.

Now I have a dilemma. Do I leave it and feel pain when I fucking come in it, knowing that I have a little more to give, or do I go get a second circumcision? God, I fucking hate it here. The running joke in my house. Quick pivot. Anyway, fuck it. The running joke in my house is that I will just ran.

I'd randomly shout as if I were one of you guys reading in all caps, but how it's my fault of my swear dick! Please keep it synonymous. I may want to listen to this with other people someday. Also, while my doubt, Dad is still around here somewhere, I am a member of the Dead Dad Club. I was grandfathered in. Sent from the bathroom at Taco John's. It's not just Mexican. It's kind of Mexican.

If you're getting, if it's hurting when you get a boner, that's a, but you got to do something about it, right? Is it been his whole life? He's, he's hurt. Yeah. How would, how would you know any different? Yeah. How would you know any different? Shouldn't you, don't you deserve to know what it feels like to not have your dick hurt when you get a boner?

Like, if you just always have knee pain, you just, you're used to your knee pain. But then all of a sudden, like, I'm colorblind. I'm just used to colorblind. If all of a sudden I had an option to just like go in and get it. all fixed up and it was like affordable yeah fucking do it if i had the money change your change your laugh yeah they're gonna change my laugh your laugh different laugh i don't want your laugh i'll laugh in color um yeah i i vote get in there and let somebody just do a little a little cut down yeah a little snippy snip little snip little snip get that that skin tunnel

right off the tip so i'm i'm still struggling visualizing it Send us a picture of your dick. Hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. If you're of age and text messages rates might apply. Reply stop. Reply stop at any time to discontinue this conversation. Yeah, I don't, I guess I don't quite get it either, but I'm trusting that it's, it's an issue. Can you imagine if every time you got a boner, it hurt?

That's sad. I guess, like I was saying, though, like, would it hurt? hurt or is it just like you just get used to it where well enough that he was asked if it hurt and he said yeah yeah so it's not like the pain is just gone i don't know get that adult circumcision that's what what don't don't do that to me multiple a day for how many days have you been alive a lot yeah and what's crazy is how many of those boners were actually like well i was getting my diaper changed? Or like, uh, they just went back down because they, nothing happened. Or it wasn't the right time. Mm-hmm. Or you didn't know the person at the funeral.

Um, okay. Well, let us know what you do with your, with your skin, buddy. Yeah. Keep us posted. All right. Cool. All right. Ready to wrap this thing up. We got a bonus thing to do. That's what episode 185. Crazy. You subscribe on Patreon. Patreon. Patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Rate and review us. Go check out what Uncle Zach is doing. You could. scatcast.com thanks to the babysitters moderating the can you don't playground on Facebook I have something to share with you guys to wrap this up

today. Oh. And it's weird, but it's a fun one. There's a video. I'm not sure if I'll show it. Zach! Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? You're going to tease us with a video and then not show the video? I just don't know. I don't know.

If you guys had to guess off the top of your head what the loudest animal on earth would be, what would you guess? Blue whale. Blue whale. It's a good guess. Wow.

Orca? That's another great one. Wow. Stunning. Zach. I don't know. Like a giraffe. It's got a big horn.

Okay. And a long neck. Horn throat. Uh-huh. Sperm oil. Yep. You love whales. I love...

Well, I just know how they communicate. I know that they're big. Yeah, they're big and they have a lot of things. No. The loudest animal on Earth is barely two centimeters long. And it's the pistol shrimp. Oh. I knew it was in the ocean.

a tiny creature with a massive punch it snaps its oversized claw so fast it creates a collapsing bubble unleashing a sound blast reaching over 230 decibels holy shit which is even louder than a gunshot or the Concord Sonic boom and it just knocks out no they have film of it

I mean like up here we'll never hear it no it just goes and like whoever's around it's just like ugh fucking kits them hey excuse me you've got to show the video It's Or at the very least When we

The show's over No I don't I want to see it Because it's Anything about it It's some natural G-graphic Thing right It's like someone's like

Don't hear it With these depths More badass than a pistol shrimp I don't want to hear this person Talk about it I'm Danielle Defoe And you're watching I guess I don't care

But just get to the point What was that shirt Pistol shrimp Oh man This tug of war Creates a massive amount of tension See what you've done Brian But you could have had it ready

Yeah It's not my fault You weren't prepared I've seen this shrimp before They call it the one punch shrimp One punch, yeah Anyway Let's just make Brian happy

When prey is in range The claw is cocked The claw is cocked The claw Snaps shut so fast Oh shit Oh shit. It fires a bubble bullet up to 62 miles an hour.

What? The bubble bursts and stuns the prey. Dude, that's like... It all happens in a fraction of a second. The fastest gun in the sea. That's not saying a lot. Our guns aren't our waterproof. Oh.

Anyway, that's wild. It shoots an air bubble, though, and just knocks them out. Being able to move something so fast underwater that even the water can't fill in fast enough. It's like street fighter shit. Oh, you're all good. Yeah. Sonic boom. We love you guys.

We're going to head off into the bonus stuff. Bye. Bye. Happy new you. You know, You know,