Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Nip Nuts. Koi Fish. Parking Lot. DNA.

Episode Date: September 30, 2026

We have all masturbated using a fish... but getting caught while doing it is super embarrassing. Right? RIGHT?! Let's talk about that, testicles being located somewhere else on your body, fart rules inside a relationship, firefighters mowing someone's lawn because he couldn't finish the job, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://www.patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch this episode YouTube: https://youtu.be/IWDS8Ows_NISend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Knip nuts, Coifish, parking lot, DNA. I thought maybe it was an accident. No. No way, no accident.

No, you might think I don't know what I'm doing. Exclusive hot men. Hot new man. Episode 2, 24 of the Can You Don't podcast. Fuck my ass.

I slept like shit. Good. Mm-hmm. Got about, just shy of four hours last night. Just feel refreshed. Yeah, I feel great. You look great.

You look like you got four and a half hours. You look good. Wow. That's nice of you to say. Man, for the cream I'm working is working. Yeah. Cream I'm working. Do you have to pay extra for those bags?

A eight cents a bag? Shit. Oh, there is. Yeah. Yeah, we got a fun show for you guys. Send all your content suggestions in. Don't ever stop doing that, including Petty Beef. Confessions, even though we just did one.

We need more all the time to hey guys at can you know podcast.com. We're also kicking around the concept of a new segment that I want to tease about. We'll come up with it and we're going to figure it out. But somebody sent something in that was, I don't know, whatever. Somebody said something in that was so fucking terrible. And he asked us to find a way to make it funny. And I said, that is a great segment concept. that challenge.

And it is bad. Like, there's nothing remotely funny about this. And he was just begging his dad's to be like, please, please show me how this was funny. And I know that a lot of these submissions are going to be like childhood stuff.

Here we go. But the idea, we're still kicking around the name of it, but you would, like you said in the worst thing that's ever happened to you in your life. And we all feel it. And then we make fun.

And then we make fun of it. And then we should on it. So it's kind of like a, like a therapy session. Yeah. So we'll see if that's going to happen. But if you guys want to get a head start on it, until we get our,

our ducks all in a row, you can start sending in the worst thing that's ever happened to you. It's, to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. I think the concept is funny because when you hear something, like when we ever do the good news story, you know, like it's actually good news.

And then I always find a way to, to make it terrible. And because my brain wants to go there. I don't want to think that. So I love the idea of hearing something terrible and going, fuck, that's horrible. And then like, okay, now can I go there? Can I get myself to make this funny?

That sounds like a fun challenge. It sure does. And they're giving us the permission to make fun of it. Right. So then we don't have to feel as bad. Right. So it's 100%. It's going to be fine.

and so that's kind of the concept. Maybe you spent a little too much time with your uncle when you were a kid. Right. And we'll, uh, and you're still dealing with that. And sometimes comedy is the best way to get through it. As we have found out with things we've gone through in our life.

So again, worst thing that's ever happened to you. Let's see if we can get this thing off the ground. Hey guys at candidopodcast.com. Hawkathon is rolling strong. Our next goal, as we announced last week, we'll be teaming up with Shoot North. Shoot North Idaho. So you can go to Shoot North,

You can also go to shoot north Idaho.com. But the next goal at 475 is we are going to go shoot machine guns and beautiful Sandpoint Idaho where they have a tiny replica of the Statue of Liberty that you can shoot at.

No, you can't shoot it. No, no, no, no, no. You cannot shoot it. But they've been so nice to us. Can they stop us if we roll up with a machine gun? Yes, yes, yes. Yeah, someone will stop. stop you. I'd like to see him try. Oh, dude. I was talking to...

I'm getting the mood for DTA. Sorry. I was talking to Cody with Shoot North, and he was writing something super funny. He set this picture where it's two of the old school Thompson machine guns. You guys... Yeah, you can't see it. Just picture...

Picture... A little friend. From Chicago. What the fuck's his name? Al Capone. Al Capone. With a cigar. And just like, fucking yeah. And he goes, did I mention that we have not one but two Thompson submachine guns for sale

that are full auto and fully transferable. For sale? Which means that you can own them. And we have a bar in 306 that's full auto and transferable for sale as well. And I said, and I laugh and I said, no, you haven't mentioned that. And I said, what are those priced at?

He goes, well, negotiations start at nickel-plated Thompson, 40K. The blue Thompson for 18K. and that bar another 40K And I said, well, guess I won't be buying one. Should we need like a $30,000 per minute?

Well, we could start a, we could start a go fund us. Oh, and he said, one very serious stipulation about the whole machine gun shoot that we're going to be doing. Brian has to wear his glasses. I just don't trust the vision at this point. It's not a Tesla self-driving machine gun. It's pretty good. So there's a lot of fun there.

Yeah, and you can go learn more. They have a whole thing. If you guys are ever in the area, go check it out, shoot North Idaho. But it's not just about showing up and shooting fun shit. They also have a ton of training, right? Yeah. So whatever training you're looking for, these are top grade military dudes that know what they're doing and we'll take care of you. I'm just picturing John Wick.

Like they're making little John Wicks. Yeah, something like that. but looking forward to it, head on over again, go to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. And that'll get you over there and you can sign up and support us there. We do have a lot of new merch. Head over to can you don't podcast.com. We talked about the Halloween shirt that we have where it has you and I driving a minivan

with feet hanging out the side. But we've also expanded on that and we have a saying that you guys add like in every email or post where it's what it's. so one of the most common sayings of all time it is what it is it is what it is with the can you don't twist

so it's what it's getting people talking yep t-shirt hat just subtle craziness and then also bretmure came with another design for the clitoris which we said was the most elusive

of all dinosaurs he's wearing the shirt and so yeah so we have that t-shirt available too oh yeah I love how the dinosaurs is actually wearing its own shirt. Yeah. One good use of AI

right there. I did not, I did not spend like three days making them. It was, hey, take this shirt and put it on a dinosaur that looks like the shirt. And AI was like, you got it. You fuck, yeah. Two seconds later, it's like, does this work?

Like, yeah, that works. That works. Good job, AI. But please support us. Merch goes a long way and making sure the show can keep going. All right, let's get this fucking thing rolling. All right. Come on now, Zach.

Hey, shut up. Start the show. already. I just want to hit it again one more time. Exclusive hot new mix. Hot shit. Hot shit. Here it comes.

You're jamming with the hottest disc jockey. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. All right, let's shut this down before we get carried away. Joe's face, I look over there. You just got this little smile and just, Dude, I'm having DJ Joe. DJ Paisley.

Showing up to a club you walk in it. It goes, fuck. Hot new mix. I'd be like, we're not leaving. I've got to see where this goes. Sent in by our son, Daniel. Would you rather swap your toes and fingers around?

That's so weird. Or swap your nipples and testicles. This is one of my favorites all time, I think. Really? Yeah, this is pretty good. Oh, gosh. It's better than a few weeks ago, I'd say. No, no, no, nope.

The amount of hate, there's a lot of people that were like, dude, fucking change my life of that one. There was quite a bit of feedback. Yeah, there was. Oh, my God, it worked. So swap your toes and fingies. Do tosy-wosies. I'm wearing sandals today because it's warm out. Hmm.

Oh, God. Yeah, it's almost 80 today. Isn't that crazy, guys? And we're trapped inside and sleep deprived and I'm not going to do anything in the sunshine. And it's getting darker sooner. Thank you. Fall, Econox.

Super Fall. Dude, no way. I mean, I have a huge big toe. It's just something to admire, though. That's a hammer toe. I mean, it's like the size of my fucking point. I mean, it's a big guy. I'm not going to show off my toesies,

But I have a huge, you gotta save that for the only fans? Yeah. The can you don't only fans? Only toes. Oh, that's gross. Only Joe's. Only Joe's toes. Yeah, I got a white toe. Look at that little white. Yeah, what's going on there?

I don't know. Cool, huh? That's pretty sick, dude. Unique. Don't even have to paint it. Just a white toenail. Love it. So, the thing it would suck about having finger toes is you still have to, like you could use it like a hand, but you still got to get it. Like, let's say you're going to take a drink of, like, You grab your pop. No, no, I think if you put your toesies up here, you still have operable hands.

What if you got short little stubby sausage toes? That's going to suck, but you can still get around with it. Well, you'd have to probably use two hands. It's just a little teeny. Just a business meeting? It's basically just like, it's basically this. Like the part that's covered up with fingerless gloves. Yeah.

If I, if I, oh my God. Big deal. I don't know. We make some crazy, awesome deal with name company. And then I watch, this is not me. I'm just,

this from, I'm on the receiving end of this handshake. And I watch that slide out of a tux. Watch a toe finger palm thing. And I'm backing out. I don't care if it's $2 million. I'm not shaking that. It's a $500 million deal that's going to merge company.

and it's going to just change everything. Joe, you are the new owner of Amazon. And he goes like this and I go, I don't like it. I don't care for it. More of a Walmart guy. You know what? I'm going to go find someone with normal fingers.

Yeah, that sucks. But then down here, your shoes? Oh my God, you wear size 28s. Yeah, you'd be, you'd be a couple more inches at least. You like clown shoes. Dude. You look like, well, that's basically what Zach's dealing with. Yeah.

The internet's got to have this. Finger toes. Heads, fingers. Oh, fuck. Yeah, of course someone's already done this. I already hate it. Oh, God. Fucking hate it.

No way. Oh no Is that real? Cricket To the Indian Express Whatever that publication is Show it to me Put it

Oh Dude Dude what These are just out there Oh Wrong screen Look at this Oh look at the hair on there too

Yeah That's one that looks nice Oh my God Oh look at Here pull this up Even those aren't that Those aren't true finger Yeah

But those are See So now imagine how weird That foot looks But then put the other Actual hand next to it Yeah Just replace all the things

That are You would consider a fingertow And make them actual Fingertow I'm gonna say Toe hands Toe hands Toe fingers

Or Sure To finger hands God damn it I mean that's not it but look at the first picture in that grouping I've sewn toes onto my hand we come in peace

oh my god why is this weird me out so bad that was pretty creepy I don't care for this I don't like it oh god oh look at this guy cute

I don't know, guys. This guy's got webbed fingers and, like, and eight toes on each foot. That's interesting. Look at this. Every toe is a pinky toe. Oh, no. No ankle. It looks like a kid video game.

Looks like the hair of, like, some kid cartoon. Like Bart Simpson. And yeah. Oh, the one will be cowlba, dude. Whoa, toes. Fuck. This is not where I thought this was going to go. Okay, I already hate all that.

So take those, put your toesies up here, fingies down there. You can hide your fingers on your toes. So that's the one obvious way to get around having a very awkward life is that you can hide that part. You can't hide that. Oh. Okay.

There's like, would you like a sippy cup? I'm a grown man. I can, like, okay, the hand a tune, you can't fucking grab it? It's, oh, your thumbs, your thumbs, oh. I don't like it. I don't know. Let's move off to the other side. Would they still, I'm just, no, maybe they wouldn't.

Like, no, never mind. I just imagine, like, you're, any sort of thing that you're, like, say you have, like, toe fungus, things like that. But now it's like, yeah, like finger fungus. Just athlete's hand. Tough actin to nothing. Tough acting. Connected. Um, okay.

Swop your nipples and testicles. This seems interesting. Yeah. I mean, just can you go to the, can you go to a pool with a shirt off if your nuts are hanging out? You just one testicle on each nipple. That's where I'm going, right? Mm-hmm. Just, it's out, outside of your chest.

Built in. Built in. fucking titty tassels but it's hairy nuts oh yeah they would have well would they still grow pubs sure would and I'd like to

think they still function right so your nipples are gonna still you know do their job but a nipple taint oh the idea of like it'll look like two ingrown hairs that looks like you're

your naked penis Like why? It's just the way that we're conditioned and raised. If you take away one of the two down there. Like those things are always together. Don't pull up my screen, Zach. Also don't show my crotch. My pants have gotten tighter.

I'm just going to write it. Crotch with no balls. Let's just see what comes up. Take a peek? I don't care for it. I mean, it's a dildo. But they have dildos with the fake balls. It's just one of the not-ball dildos.

Or whatever Jesus said. You think we're going to hell? Do you ever think about that? Oh, God, I have to take a peek. Look at that. Oh, yeah, just. Oh, man, I'm... There's no penis, just balls.

Good. That is a weird look. Don't care for that. Okay. It looks like a turkey. or something. Yeah, it does. Oh, come on.

What is this? God, this stuff's just going on out there. Oh. Don't show my screen either, please. See, I didn't ask for this. What? Okay.

Now I'm getting going to grossed up. Trying not to look at your screens. Yeah, I can't, I can't find, I can't find any. Gaw, what the hell? Accurate. With the foot fingers back. Oh, my God, what is going on? Oh!

No. Okay. I got to see that. No. No. Get it in here. Where did you find yourself? How did you get there?

You went to like gore.com. How did you get there? I don't know how I got there. Why'd you do that? I don't know. I just kept clicking. It just kept clicking. What position did you play?

That was far too many holes. I'm trying to picture, so like I'm just going to the pool, you know, like get all my stuff out in the, out in a seat, pot my shirt off, get to start putting sunblock on, and you have to be careful that you're not smacking your nuts. Honey, make sure that you sunblock your knitjack nipples. Make sure you get your balls. You're like a little dipping tray that you'd have for soy sauce, but for sunscreen? Like dipping in ranch Just dipping your nipples in a little sauce bowl

Don't worry honey I won't burn my nuts again Come on kids Do they act like nipples So if it's cold out Do your testicle nips get hard? Just get a little erect They shrivel up

Shrivel erupt Oh God Hey ladies eyes up here That are up here Come on My eyes are up here So your nuts are also up here And I don't like it

This is gonna throw a wrench in there Okay throw it in there Okay, throw it in there, baby. We're talking from the perspective of men. Men. Now imagine women. You've got a pair of boobs. Yeah.

With testicles on the ends of... Yeah. Of the boobs. I mean, but then, yeah. So then they swap their nipples down. They don't have testicles, but we're going to gift them testicles. Oh, right, right, right. Yeah.

Because that was... Where I wanted to go with this was the idea of... Oh, my God. But an inside out, like, ovaries? ovaries his nipples? Just looks like raw sushi hanging off your fucking boob bags. Oh my God!

See, I wanted to go to where you've got a bait, you're going to breastfeed your child. So you've got your kid down in your crotch, sucking on your nipples for milk. And this is why... You're just laying there where your kids... This is... This is why I'm a little confused

on why two weeks ago was so hard for everybody. but this is fine yeah all right um you're britt weight you gotta go you gotta breastfeed your kid and sometimes they'll put like a blanket over the top of so they can but you're at a restaurant and your kid needs to breastfeed

and you just and just down there sucking milk but you're just sitting there like this you could also buy a by a vagina yeah and a butthole just sucking away on on milk I like that and you got a blanket down there and your kids down and your kids down and

your crotch and you're like, what are you doing? And they can't, they can't stand up yet. So you have to squat over your baby so they can suck your nipples like a gerbil. Oh, God. Twins. Fucking back and forth between some twins in an eye hop. No, the kids are, God. The kids, the twins are laying head to head this way and you're squatted down. Just sitting on the faces of your twins while they suck milk out of your taint. while you negotiate why you don't want to pay for an extra OJ. God, it doesn't cost what it used to cost.

You know what? You know what? Just box it up. Just box it up. We don't want that extra pancake now. All right. Just watching this lady's sumo squat over her kids while these utter suckered tank nipples. And she's talking to them.

Yeah, it's just a lot. You get enough to eat her. And she does, ow. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's that. I don't, I'm going to be. Nice. Having some...

I can't have my nuts hanging off my nipples. That's impossible. Yeah. You can't live your life. You just wearing a shirt with little bumps from your... You'd have to wear a bra. Yeah, you have to wear a bra. Like, what size of your fucking testicle nipples?

Get a B cup. You couldn't play sports. No, is it like a cup for sports? Is it like a, you know, like a cup that you wear? Yeah. Two cups. You just got two, like, baseball cups? I'm going to have to go toe finger swap.

I can't have my nuts hanging off my nips. I mean, my nipples are fine down there. Someone will love you for who you are. Yeah, they're not going to, look, you just got a dick. You just have to have some nipples down there. It's not for everyone, but it's for somebody. No, it's not for anybody. Testicles nipples.

Testicle nipples. No one wants it. No one's hanging out. Just visualizing you go on this. On a date and it's going really well and you get back to one of your places and she's like she starts wandering down there pants come down and just no balls and just a just two hairy nipples Watch my nipples. Oh yeah what for yeah. Nipples could cut glass at least yeah life continues. I don't know I can't do that I guess can't have my fucking nuts off my lips dude. It's that's it's that simple.

There's no way to hide a nut sack nipple, dude. Just scratch. And there's no way to hide this. I get it. Yeah. Well, you can wear gloves. Yeah. You could wear gloves.

You can wear gloves. Oh, man. I think I'd probably just figure out a way. I just wear gloves or something. And you could tape them down. You could like stretch your nut sack nipple down into your armpit and like tape it in. Tape your nut nip. Just right into your armpit.

Tape your nut nip. nut nip's neck to the arm Joe did you tape your nuts down yes you run late for school of course I did you have to brush your teeth and still honey did you remember to tape your tape your nipple cut nut nits down I'm a grown man yes of course I remember what to tape of course I know you forgot last week and I did you forget one time I forgot to tape my fucking nut nips down God Just the whole procedure, dude, and like you're trying to clean them up and you're shaving your your one testicle nut nip

Blown the razor out Clicking it on the sink and grabbing your other nut nip and clean it up Fucking what are we doing the weirdest bikini on the beach dude So is the nut just like? Yeah, is it sticking right off there or does it hang in a sack? I think you get a sack I'm I'm picturing if you took you... Is that not how you can picture it the whole time? No, I've been picturing like just a nut. Like puberty nipples?

Like boys have like the hard lump member of that stage? Oh yeah. That was weird for everyone. Why did that happen to all of us? Right? The puffy hard nips stage. I never had that. You never had it?

You know, I'm talking about though. I do. Yeah. Yeah, friends had like the hard lump in your nipple for a bit. Do I got cancer? 14. And you couldn't stop fucking with it because it was weird. Reading you out?

Nope. Nope. All right. Oh, yeah. Well, just everyone else, huh, Brian? But so, let's say you have just your body now. I was picturing, like, just a, you know, an egg size lump right there. But if it actually, like, if you have a, let's say you got in shape and you've got a, you've got a pex.

Yes. So it just hangs in a sack. I think that's the only fair way. Like, so take your nut sack and split it in half. Yeah. And those quadrants. have to go to your nips. Left to left, right to right.

That's the only fair way to do it. Yeah, you have built in fucking testicle tassels. Next to the stage. Oh, imagine getting a nipple nuts. It's getting pierced. Fucking nipple nuts.

Super nips. Ricky, Joey Nipple Nuts. Next to the stage at hog bones bar and grill Joey nipple nuts What do they call you? Oh

What do you fucking mean? Shave your nips! Your fucking nuts are nasty. Hairy-ass knuckle nips on this? That's different. That's that one picture we looked at. I come in peace.

Okay, fine. I'm picking, I have to go fingers. I'm just not having nuts sex. I'm a nips. guys guys guys guys i'll learn to play piano with my feet it'll be fine yeah fucking any instrument out of the way playing some trumpet barely fucking barely with your toesy wolves it wouldn't be as cool it wouldn't be as much of a trick to play things with your feet you'd be playing one place and one place only and that's the

side show at a fucking circus fucking joey toe fingers toefeet toe fingers to toffee toe fingers Tofito fingers. What are you picking? We got to do it. Probably the no nuts hanging off the nips. Okay, so toes and fingers?

Yeah. Okay, got it. All rise to the golden keys. Jordan Holiday. God damn it. Sorry, my screen was fuck. Jennifer Gatling. Daniel Akai.

The sofa king. Neal Taflemy. Jason. Hey, sir. Stephen Grera Tabitner Matthew Leonard E.M.3.

Woo! Thanks, y'all. And Jennifer, we are going to get your video. We promise we will. The last couple weeks have been so goddamn busy. You have no idea. But thank you guys so much. Everybody that signed up supported us

on the normal tiers, whatever tier you pick, and the golden goose, the top tier on our Patreon. All right, moving off. Zach, push it! Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What do you think?

about? You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? That's funny. Didn't your neighbors move out? Yeah.

Is it because of us? Probably. Or because I kicked the toilet stand into the wall. Like, that's the last fucking time, dude. If I hear that fucking goat and this guy kicking things into the wall, one more time. Every Thursday, they're putting ear plugs in. Like, it's Thursday, Here it comes.

You ready for the chaos? I bet there's going to be a phone alarm that goes off. Something. So this is something I feel like is relatable to a degree. I think we've all done this. But I haven't done it in a really long time. So this was, I want to say maybe two weekends from today. I don't know.

Doesn't matter? Nope. Okay. What position? They don't know what it is. Yep. So it was rainy. It was a very shitty.

day. And when I woke up in the morning, my son, you might know him as Ezra. He needed to go to a friend's house because they were going to have a fun day. They're going to go have some fun. Just two kids. Have some fun together. So I, and I knew better, and that's the worst part. I just had a feeling and you always prepare for it. I was like, listen, you're just going to go drop off your son at friend's house. And then you're going to come back home. Okay? And I was like, okay, got it. Pretty simple.

Pretty simple. And really what I'm getting at is you're not going to get out of the vehicle. It is raining outside. It is cold. It is windy. It is shit weather. So I'm going to do, I'm going to put on just gym shorts. I don't think I'd put on underwear, which is even better.

Just some gym shorts, like, you know, $10 for a 15 pack, like that kind of quality gym short. And I had my sandals on, put on some fucking t-shirt. And that was it. I had bedhead. So, like, this already bird hair thing, when I sleep, I wake up in the morning, I look like a baby orangutan. You know, like that fucking... Yeah. So that's what I look like when I wake up.

It's not a good look. It's only getting better. I love getting old. God, this forehead... Who! Drive him. You can park a bus on this fucking thing. You can land a spaceship on that.

Ho-wee! Look at it go! And so I just did that. Just shirt, shitty shorts, and my sandals. I was like, got it. Let's do it. So as jumps in, I drive them, it's not far. It's like 10 blocks away from my house.

Again, why I made this decision. But when I was putting this clothes, I was like, just put on normal clothes. Put on normal clothes just because. Like, you don't know if they're going to come out and try to say hi, and you're going to look like this. And just whatever. And I was like, you know what, fuck it. I did it anyway.

The second I dropped Ezra off, my fucking gaslight. goes off. And I know, based on the day that I have, that I need to just go get gas right now. Okay, got it. So I drive over to the gas station, one, because it's like, so, it's like a dollar 80 cheaper than it is in Washington. So you literally save like 25 bucks filling up in Idaho instead of over in Spokane, Washington. Beautiful. It's just not great. And I don't know about that. So I get out and I'm, yeah, you don't. I know. And I'm filling up gas. I'm just, standing there and the wind just like blowing my baby orangutan hair around as I was standing in

a puddle in my flip flops in my shitty shorts just like flop and I'm sure you could see an outline of my penis and I'm just standing at the Exxon just people drive my like what the hell is that? Yeah it's right on the main drag it's right on Sherman I'm just standing there and being like of course this would happen and then I go I reach in my pocket

and I go to pull out you know one of my nicotine pouches guess what two left got to run inside. I'm at a gas station, dude. Might as well. Not as well. So here I am, wet orangutan baby hair,

flip-flop wearing motherfucker, walking to the gas station. Why is it so full? Everybody's there. Everyone I've ever met is in the gas station. And I walk just like, like wet feet is like, hello, may I have two of them please?

Buy me, real boy. So I grab them, do that, and I get back out, and I finish the gas thing. And I swear to God, I'm driving back. home and I get an alert that all my medication has been refilled. And I have to do it or else I just can't go grab it.

Like I need it for the next day. And because I said I have a lot of video to edit, I was like, dude, you have to just do it now before you know the day is going to run away from you. They're going to be closed at the end of the day. Daytime runs into lunch, runs into dinner, and you just got to go do it. So now I'm walking around a fucking grocery store with just a dick print, cheap gym short wet feet squids squishing when you walk. Maddened

down bed head of orangutane hair just like, thanks for having me. I'm out of the house. I'm here for my meds. Yeah. I need him today. Just walking up there and I know how ridiculous I look

and those are all the things I didn't want to do. And I had that decision when I put up the clothes. I was like, do you know something's going to happen? Just wear normal clothes. I was like, no, you got it. This is a five-minute drive-over, drive-back, and of course it's not. Like, I'm going to go. Just every public place.

Yeah. Yeah. Only, I mean, of course, it could have been worse. Like, I could have gotten a car accident. Mm-hmm. I think he's been wearing that. But. I'm assuming you don't have car insurance, but here's mine.

By the looks of you. By the looks of you, just go to jail. Mm-hmm. Here, just get it. I'll drive you right to jail. All right. Sounds good. Yeah.

But I didn't like, you know. Didn't grab my wallet or anything, so I just had to use my phone. Luckily, the gas station person knew me so I could get my stuff. Sorry, I don't have an ID. Big surprise. Because who would want a picture of that on anything? Yeah. Sorry, I'd have an ID, but they ran out a, they didn't have enough room for my forehead on the ID card picture.

Pull my meds, please. Like, just, like soaking wet. It was one of those days it was pouring. two weeks ago. Like a flash flood. Torrential downpour. I'm just standing there and flip-flops like a fucking idiot.

But that's it. So like everyone's done that. We just, you don't anticipate something's going to happen. I remember that happening quite a bit in college.

You'd party all night. Then you'd wake up and throw on some sweats. And then the teacher, like the teacher would ask to see me after class and I'm like, this isn't good.

Just wearing just bullshit. Some t-shirt that says like, fuck your mom. Yeah. I fucked your mom. last night. I fucking mom last night at fucking dad. At fucking moms and dad's weekend.

I was like, what? Anyway, I'm just telling you that you're doing great and you're just like, am I? Sneak away at a roll. Turn that shirt inside out. I'm doing great. Do you have any cocaine? I'm so tired. I have four other classes.

Four other classes and this sucks. But I just want to share that with everyone. You know, it's funny because my, my grandma and my mom kind of does it now too, But like that old school mentality where they wake up in the morning and they would get themselves completely. To the nines. It's lipstick, everything. Why is it not to the tens, by the way?

Back to you? I don't know. To the nines. Because it's not perfect. I don't know. You're saying your mom's not perfect? That's not what I said. Kind of sound like.

But the idea of like someone could just stop by. And if they do, I have to look good. I can't look unpresentable. So they just wake up and get completely dressed every day. That's the ultimate contrast to what you just did. Like you went out and did all the stuff that you needed to do that day with like you were just like you were walking around in a bed. You're right. Exactly.

That's what I was doing. Would you rather be look, would you rather look like me in a safe way or be overly dressed in a safe way? overly like like toxedo penguin tail they should wear suits on airplanes too yeah that's a good phase

I remember that you mean the guys that wore the same pair of boots for 30 years that were falling apart is concerned about if I could wear a suit every day I would yeah you could no see not with you as friends no because we would make fun of you

yep no I just and I just can't handle it I just ask to be inside it I think if you wore a suit one day and we'd be like, oh, we got blah, blah, blah, and then you did it the next week, we wouldn't even notice. The first week would probably be like, what are you doing wearing that? Because it's out of character based on past history, but then I think we'd move past it

pretty quick. I don't. You don't think so? No. Man. Because we haven't moved past the R&R RV thing, or is that what? Something like that, yeah. But what I would, I will say that looking like I did and also dressed in a tuxedo,

know, going to Safeway, both of you need your meds. One person is clearly a little crazy. The other one's also clearly a little crazy. We're both in line for our meds. It says that the dress to the nines, or to the nines, likely evolved from an earlier phrase, which was to the nines, which meant to perfection or to the highest degree. It doesn't answer my question. Why is it not ten? The base phrase to the nines first appeared in Scottish literary works, including William Hamilton's 1790s.

poem, Epistle? All right. A pistol to Ramsey. A letter in works by Robert Burns. If I see that on a book shelf, I'm not picking that up. We've really adjusted our names, haven't we? If I'm looking through, I'm like,

back then there were probably six books on the shelf. A pistol to Ramsey, a letter in the works. There were six books on the shelf, and they were like, that looks good. Now, there are thousands of books. There is one myth. Millions of books. There is one myth about dressed of the nine. a common folk belief claims

a high-end custom tailored suit requires nine yards of fabric. However, most tailors note that a standard three-piece suit requires significantly less material. That's kind of like the four out of five dentists approve of the toothbrush. But that one dentist is like,

fuck this. I don't like it. All right, we got to get to some dick. Zach, push the button, please. Then it's dick, big. Okay. I'm just picturing that dentist being like that guy that was the holdout guy and the Lindsay Clancy thing. Yeah, I don't see it.

Mm-mm. Four out of five dentists say it makes your teeth whiter. I don't think so. I don't think so. I don't think it does. Just do it. To save it, I'm tired. Okay.

Man arrested after allegedly sexually abusing coy fish in Bangkok. Yeah. That's the place to do it, I guess. We're going to do it. That's the place. Oh, how do you? All right. I'm about to learn something. This shows about learning. Bangkok.

Police have arrested 51-year-old man accused of entering a private fish pond in Bangkok. And sexually abusing coy fish after the fish owner discovered the incident on CCTV. Just sitting there drinking a cup of coffee. He's like, is he fingering my fish? That guy does what I think he's doing? This guy finger in my fucking I think he did a lot more than that Yeah, we're about to find out

Paul Cole Youthip Karen Chief of Thong Song-Hong police station Thong That's a lot of bounds Hong please station Is that real? Ordered officers to track down a suspect

Identified as Sushi Shishai Also known as Tom I think we should go with Tong 51 What's your full name? Hachishagin. Gonna call you tongue.

What does that sound? Is there a story? Let me turn. Something's mine. It could be mine. Okay, I turned it down. Okay, awesome. Let's go.

The incident took place outside a house in soy v. Bahadhi, right? 66, around 20 o'clock. On 7 September. CCTV. Fudence footage showed the suspect arriving by bicycle at about 20 o'clock 30. 20.30. And parking beside the fish pond.

He's like, this will be a good spot. Just getting his kick in his kickstand out? It's a sexy ass fish purse. He walked around the pond before exposing his genitals and attempting to catch a coy fish. You like this worm? You fucking like it? This is a big worm for you. What are you guys biting today?

Dick. Just rubbing power bait all over his dick. Oh, the smell of power bait. What's the best? Back to you. Kind of like a sastroaming a little bit where it's just kind of like you open it up and you're like, just power bait with sistrobing.

At about 20 o'clock 38, the suspect allegedly stripped naked, climbed into the pond and caught a coy. Was he playing coy? Using it to masturbate before. returning returning the fish to the pond this is this is why you own

CCTV that's a great catch that guy's just watching it happen to just just going well yeah I'm sure or it was recorded he was like why is my fish covered and come let's go take a look at the footage no yeah that's what I mean but like he's still he's still like watching it like

hmm that's how you do it so masturbated using it so is he just deep throading it I don't know Or was he On the outside With scales

You fucking Just rubbing it Oh fuck yeah Flipping the tail Against your taint You fucking yeah You like it when fucking Coming in decoy

Rubbing his nipple nuts You fucking coming in decoy Huh You're coming in a coy You like it when daddy Coming in a coy Is this my pond Or daddy's pond

Who's coming in it huh You fucking yeah Fucking come Huh Call me daddy tog Come my daddy coy fish You fucking, yeah. Tong, dong.

Oh, my God, your pond needs a new skimmer. Fucking come in your filter, coy fish. Back to you. Just sperm swimming around in the pond now. With the coy fish being raised by the coy. Investigators believe the suspect lived nearby because he had used bicycle to flee. That's the sunning, dude. Yeah, dude.

Have you seen how far bikes can go? Yeah. It's not like they have gas. One afternoon of 10 September, officers spotted him wearing the same clothes he had allegedly worn during the incident while walking near Sing Kong, Laxie! Area. It's great. When he saw a police, he attempted to flee. Officers chased him and made the arrest.

I love how he just saw the police. He's like, oh, fuck, they're on to me. Yeah, he came back, right? If I'm getting my dates right. He came out, he was like, dude, that was good. He's like, I knew more of that. During questioning, Sochi Tai!

Allegedly admitted that he was the person shown in the CCTV foot. That's mean. Is this you right here? No. Is this your bike? Yeah. So this is you. Yeah.

We'll get your dick out. It's the same dick. Yep. That's my dick. Put the coy on it. Yeah, that's it. Got him. We got our guy.

Got our guy. Looks the exact same with his dick and a fish. they have a lineup they bring a person to look at it and six dudes remember toast dick remember early episode that's like one of my favorite

the guy that was rubbing his dick all over everything in the lunchroom and they had to do a dick lineup of people putting their dicks on toast that's that's not it

that's it that's it there it is I know what that dick on toast oh yeah dicks on toast yeah dicks on toast

that's we were going to be a band dicks on toast he told police that he had initially gone to the area tending to take a bath. But couldn't help himself.

After seeing the coy swimming in the pond, he became sexually aroused and caught a fish to masturbate. He allegedly said that he did this twice. Fuck. The suspect also allegedly told police that he engaged in similar behavior with other fish.

This isn't my first rodeo. Dude, I fuck fish all the time. He said he avoided sucker fish because they have spines. While Koi did not cause as much pain. Okay. He also reportedly told investigators that he had no money to pay for sex and did not have a partner. Oh, man.

So next step, fuck fish. That's a natural progression. I can't afford sex. I'm going to go fucking Corey Fish. Okay, back to you. Please said the suspect admitted using drugs, but claimed he did not have the money to buy them and instead use drugs he had found. So it sounds like he's pretty, you know, um, what do you call? call it when someone's able to figure stuff out and very competent economically literate

frugal neither one of those are it but savvy did generate no economically savvy financially stable this picture it gets worse I know look at this picture this guy did yeah he's the one not me this is the guy this is the guy think I'm fucking fish. I know more to mask, but this guy. This guy's the fish fucker. We got it.

It reminds me of that old gwar song, Fish fuck. You guys know what I'm talking about? Timely. It's a classic. Timeless. You guys know what I'm talking about? Yeah.

Fish fuck, baby. I'm gonna fuck you with a fish. With a fierce. All right, let me find out. He's dead. Well, you keep reading. The suspect also, allegedly, that he took,

God damn it. You were doing so good. Suspect also allegedly told police that several years ago he had sexually abused a female dog with puppies and was subsequently arrested by banking police and imprisoned. He also said he previously sexually abused a doll he found in rubbish dump. This guy's just fucking stuff, dude. He hasn't been able to afford sex in a long time. No, he's just fucking stuff. Well, that's sad.

Don't go fucking people's fish. Don't go fucking people's fish. Please stick to the. The dolls and the dumpsters that don't have feelings. Here's this. In case you have no idea that Gore had a song about fish fucking. That's enough. That's enough of that.

All right, let's move off to our next story. What's this one all about here? Woman 37 pretended to be an autistic 12-year-old girl to trick family into adopting her. Yikes. That's not weird. Oh, man. I'm excited to hear. Well, what?

First of all, who would think that's 12-year-old? Yeah, really. You know when I look at that, be like, that's a 12-year-old. I guess no one would look at Ezra, be like, it's a 12-year-old either. That's true. You look, that's a 20-year-old man.

Shave your mustache. Size 14. Shave your mustache, bro. A 37-year-old woman pretended to be a 12-year-old autistic girl to trick a family into giving her a place to live in an extraordinary deception

that lasted more than a year? Amanda, Maria Suarez, Olivier. Now 38. Has been now 38. It's been a year. How old are you? I'm 12.

Get in here. Has been jailed for fraud over the bizarre case in Brazil. After authorities discovered she had committed similar scams across the country, Oliviera carried a doll, used a pacifier, and drank from a baby bottle in her bid to convince evangelical children. church into going or evangelical church going couple in Joinville, Santa Carina. She was vulnerable in need of help. She explained away her adult psyche by claiming it was the result of hormones, forced on her by her parents in early childhood. I love that. I mean, maybe she's autistic, but 12-year-old,

I love that she's laying. She, I mean, she's basically pretending to be a four-year-old, a three- or four-year-old, not a 12-year-old. She's not, she's not remember what it was like to be That's almost middle school. Probably not. In footage of Olivier's eventual arrest after the scam unveiled, unraveled, she was seen wearing a mini-mouse t-shirt and a hairband. Well, in defense of her, I see a lot of adults wearing... Hold on!

Mini-mouse shirts. Yeah. Look! What? Twelve. Twelve. No! That is...

If she was like, guess how old I am, I'd be like 30. 38. That's what I would say. Give her take. Give her tail. You could be 40. No, I'm 12. No, you're not.

Get out of my house. I'm 12. Look at me. Look at me. I'm drinking for my bottle. And I get it. He fell for it and that sucks. And then someone like you're like, we got to help her out.

And she was apparently really good at what she was doing. So the remarkable ruse took place back in 2025 when Olivia area began attending a church in the city of Joanville. initially presented herself as an 18-year-old who was looking for work, more believable. The local pastor introduced her to a middle-aged couple at the church who took pity on her and invited her to stay with them, presenting herself as Gabrielle.

Olivia Burtended to be a severely autistic girl. For 14 months, she lived with the couple and reportedly had all of her expenses paid, a bedroom decorated with toys, and a party to celebrate her 12th birthday. Best time of her life. And you know everyone at that party was like, they're like,

they all bring presents for a 12th. They all bring presents for a 12 year old autistic girl. So imagine the presence that they're bringing. And she's sitting there and they're like, thank you for my presents. This says six to 14. Just leans in and be like, I know you're 40.

Happy 40th birthday, fuck oh. Your back hair is 12. I'm just impressed you're pulling this off. Enjoy this plastic sword. It's fucking crazy. She even managed to convince them to pay for a course of weight loss drugs. You don't want me to be a fat 12-year-old autistic girl, do you?

I love the idea of her being in her bedroom, and she goes, I'm upset, and shuts the door, and she's like, why? Lays back and, like, pulls a cigarette out. She's just, oh, fuck. That's rough work. What a day. He's fucking hitting a weed pen. It's hard, so much hard work being a fake autistic 12-year-old.

Turning on like, you know, a thousand pound life or Judge Judy or something, some grown-up show. No, Jerry Springer. Punch her! What was that, honey? I don't know. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm wet my baby doll.

Okay. That's what I thought. Do you have weight loss drugs? No. And get the fuck out! It was her adoptive aunt who uncovered her fraud after becoming suspicious of L'Irera's story. After searching online, she found reports of a similar case in Rio de Janano three years earlier. Guess what?

Fucking her! God damn! Here's the arrest picture. That's my 12-year-old. That's my 12-year-old. Oh, my God. Mm-hmm. Mm.

Mm-mm-mm. She looks like a... Maybe you could pull off a 12-year-old giant football player. Like those kids that... Yeah. The dudes that are just bigger. That's what she... She read that article.

She looks like an offensive lineman. She goes, well, I'm no good at football. I'm good at pretending to be a baby. That's sad. That sucks. I can't believe she pulled it off. So I guess there's that. More than once.

Yeah, a couple times. All right, moving off to Petty Beef. Zach, push the button. We'll do it. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real.

The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty Beef. You know, Joe, what? She deserves an award. That's Oscar worthy of performance to be able to pull that off. It is. Based on those pictures, if you got people to believe that you're,

were that. That's some acting. Like, that's... She wins the Academy Award for Best Actress, and then the parents win Academy Award for Worst Actors. For just totally... Just bought it. She is the Merrill Streep of Autistic Adoption. Pretend to be autistic adoption in Brazil.

It's a new category. Way to go, Olivier. There's one person in the category. Just you. One picture. It reminds you, like, when a company starts, like, an employee at the month and then give up. but they just have a couple crooked pictures in the room and then they're like, we just, that was it.

Yeah. We just realized we don't have good employees. Yeah. And they were fighting over who won. Yeah, we had a good 2016. We've been around for 19 years and we have three months worth of. We used to have the budget for more frames. It's just whatever.

It's such a pain in the ass, finding the studs to hang them. Just whatever. We just do it digital now. All right. Read it. You do it. Okay. This person wanted to be kept anonymous.

Yeah, I know. Seriously, said maybe leave me anonymous on this one. I'm 25 minutes to put those things on. And this text is so much bigger than the one I was reading. I actually did pretty well reading those other ones. Hey, fuck on. What? Series talking to me.

Shut up. Okay. Here's the petty beef my wife and I have. All righty. My wife gets a super pissed when I fart. I think how you put an A in here. Gets a super pissed. She gets a super piece.

It gets a super peat. Super. My wife gets a super pissed. Mama me. My wife gets a super pissed. A super piece. A piece. A piece.

A piece. A bit of a fart. But when she, but she, God damn it. I'm taking them off. But she is allowed to fire them off until her little. all heart is content. The reason she gives is that her farts don't smell

and mine do. Okay. While this is mostly true, I argue that the smell doesn't matter. When you have to fart, you have to fart. All right. I've tried to make a deal with her

that neither of us are allowed to fart around each other, but she insists that she shouldn't have to leave the room toot since hers don't smell. Mm-hmm. I feel like the rule needs to apply to both of us or neither of us.

Thoughts? Thoughts? P.S. I'm currently watching the Bob Ross channel, thanks to Brian mentioning on the show. Epic! PPS for Zach. My wife was born in 1980 and grew up in Spokane Valley and painted Hills.

Oh, and went to WSU. Oh, shit. It's kind of weird that your timelines may have crossed. Wait a minute! Did you fuck my wife? I don't know, what's her name. That's a good question. Didn't give it. I also...

WSU was a fun place. That would be awesome. In the 90s, I'd tell you what. I responded to this. this email and said, do they really not fart or does she just not smell them? Or does she not? And he said, no, they don't smell. It just so got that confirmed. Okay.

It's still fecal matter. Yeah, but it's, you love them. I guess a lot of guys eat ass, so you're right. But you wouldn't, but I guess if he doesn't smell, like if she could let a, uh, silent one and you didn't smell, you wouldn't know if she was farted. But if she's just fucking burr. She's not just ripping them. Yeah. Ripping them for fungies.

Well, let's go around the room and talk about it. Brian, what's the situation with you and Amber? You guys just farting around each other? Yeah. Just letting them go. Are they fun and big? Yeah, can be. You guys laugh about it?

Or get mad about it? Yeah, I mean, we have little boys around the house, too, so everyone's farting. It's actually doorknob in safety. That's like, it's like, it's. Dude, my kids will be laying in bed, have asleep, and I'll go to wake him up in the morning and I'm like time to get up guys and he's like um safety it's so ingrained in his brain now he's half asleep and he feels like he needs to say safety how hard do you punch him I never get he because they're they're on it they're always safe always it's imagining they're

really clocking them yeah punch and give him the dead arm yeah they're thinking about it all the time so like I'm sitting there eating dinner last night we're sitting at table and I just fart and my son's like, let me rephrase this. We weren't sitting at the dinner table having like a family dinner. We were all hanging, watching TV and I was eating something. So I was sitting down at the little table. And I farted and didn't say safety.

And my son goes, do it up. It runs over and starts punching me in the arm while I'm eating a sandwich. So it's just going, ah. Ow. I'm like, I'm not getting up, dude. So you can just keep punching me and he finally gave up. So you break your wrist. Yeah.

Look what you've created. You fired? I didn't come up with it. It was one of their friends, they were over at their friend's house, and her dad was the one that actually mentioned it. Oh, yeah. And so they started doing it.

That's from my childhood. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I don't know where it came from. Is anyone down? No, I'm sure we can find it. I think we've talked about this a little bit. Do you fart around Monique?

Fuck, yeah. I torture my family. Okay. Especially when I get those sugar-free candies. It's like a full day of just torture. Yeah. Okay. I think the stink level is a thing for me.

Like, a fart, they go away. It's not a big deal. You're not going to gross me out. Like, Zach alluded to, like, come on, I'm going to lick your butthole. So I know what I'm in for. And, like, I'm just going right to the sample board, you know? But if it's a stinky one in bed, there's something sometimes a little off-putting about that. You're like, God, damn it.

And it's just like, God, like you're trying to go to bed. She shoved your head underneath to smell out. Yeah, and it's just eggs. You're like, why are we doing this? I mean, nothing like a, you know, a gross woman fart is worse than any man fart. Yep. This has a different acidic punch. It's pungent.

Monique isn't allowed to fart around us because it clears out the room. Yeah. Because she's eating so stroaming. You're right? It's a good point, right? Yeah. It's like just hanging out around a, natural hot springs.

It's just, what the fuck? Is that sulfur? I'm sleeping at Yellowstone. This socks. I'm faithful over here. Just ripping ass. Just making bad next to old faithful.

You know, so smell does come, it does come down to it for me. But what about someone has, like, I guess I'd rather be laying around someone that farts and it goes away versus someone

if they have like body odor. So if you're laying in bed with some body odor, And it's just constant, because that doesn't go away. That's just like a permeating smell. But that doesn't. I know. I'm just trying to, I'm trying to give like, say like, okay, well, I could put up with a fart

smell here and there because it'll go away. If you're, and so I'm going to go against our anonymous man here. If my farts, like you fart and you go, oh no. Like, you're like, shit, did not know that was happening. Then I will stop farting. Like I will go, even if it's a trying to just get it out silently or trying to be funny about it. I will go away because I'm not going to ruin the

whole situation. But if they're like just normal, not smelly farts, everything's fine. But if you stink, knock it off. It's not funny. You're ruining it. I don't want to smell your inside of your ass at all. Gas is funny.

Farts are funny. If it's like aggressive all the time farts, that grosses me out too. Like non-stop just always farts. That's not funny. It's like a punchline comedy. You gotta, you gotta save it for the right time. But if it's nothing but farts the whole time you're hanging out with them, it's like, this is weird. I don't, I don't care for this anymore. But letting one go, that's super funny every now and again is,

it's fine with me. But yeah, if it's smelly, you gotta get the fuck out of there. And her farts don't smell and yours do, I'm gonna have to side with your wife. Get you smelly ass out of the fucking living room. I don't know. But what? Why? No, because if it's, if he's doing it to be funny, like, oh, and it smells. But if you guys are, say you're laying there watching a movie and every time, let's say, maybe he has an upset stomach, every time he fart, he's got to get up and leave the room to fart and then come back

and lay down and then ruin everyone's experience. Well, you just Great movie, huh? My fucking, I guess. Eyes are watering. Just like, this is terrible. I don't know. If it's stinky, I think you got to go. You cannot

make everyone else's... I guess where it's at the point to where we've just been, like, having two little boys and we all, everybody in the house just, we're all be sitting around and just farting. Like in the car, I like it doing the car. If you have the silent one, it's going to smell. Because then I'll, like, Miles, he'll be sitting back there and he'll fart really loud and I'll be like, now's my chance to hide under his. We get a fart. And then they'll be like, ooh, that was smelling. I'm like, hell yeah, it was. That was mine. And then he gets the blame. Enjoy whiffing my fart parts.

Suck that in you. Suck that in your little tarts. I don't know. I'm siding with wife on this one. If you smit, if you smit, if you smell. It goes from funny to not funny. Like one is fine. You keep doing it. I just don't get how hers never smell. She's probably, maybe probably eating differently. Who knows?

But it's still, it's still fucking gas. It's got to smell some. Maybe he's just being really nice and he's like, it doesn't bother me or it doesn't, no, it doesn't smell. Maybe he had a stretch of cocaine and now his nose is just ruined. Or he's got COVID nose. COVID nose.

COVID nose. COVID knows all. COVID knows all. COVID knows best. Also, go Huskies. Fuck them, cougars. All right, pick aside. I'm siding with wife.

If you're stinky, don't just keep farting and ruining the whole room. It's, I guess for them, maybe I side with her, but our relationship at home, we don't deal with that. So it's hard to pick a side. Yeah, that one way street stuff is not good. Come on. Anytime, yeah, at any time, it's like a, if I do this, that's fine. but if you do it, it's not. I'm on the guy's side.

It's coming down to smells. That's coming down to smells for me. If you have a smelly fart, if I have a smelly ass, I'm not continuous thing. Just fart around everyone. Send us a sample of her fart and we'll determine. In a jar.

Yeah. I'm having a hard time choosing on this one because I don't really have a hard preference. Some of them are like, yeah, this is the way I feel. This one, I don't really,

I'm having a hard time picking aside. I'm getting hard. So you being definitive and I say we go with your ruling. So yeah. If it's a bad, stinky fart, dude,

don't just keep going. That's my pick. You're ruining the whole experience. The atmosphere. The vibe is gone. I defer to Joe's pick and that's what he picks. I'm going to be the juror that stands up against all this shit. No,

I don't care about your pressure. Well, it's actually it's two to one. So you lost. You didn't stand up for anything. It's not unanimous. Oh, it's not that kind. Mistrial. Mistrial.

Mistrial. Miss trial. All right, we're going to move on. Something that shows us that we're not bad humans. Okay, let's do it. Come on a second. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed.

Yeah! Okay. Ooh, glasses are coming out? Yeah. This is kind of small text here. Okay. That's this kind of a cool story. Okay.

Where we going? It wasn't my normal looking up like good news network or whatever trying to find the story. This was actually in Reddit. Okay. I was like, oh, this can. work for that. All right. A man in Oklahoma City fell ill halfway through mowing his lawn. The firefighters who came to put...

Oops. The firefighters who came for him put him in the ambulance. Then looked at the grass. This simply won't do. It's not going to cut it. You lazy piece of shit. A man in Oklahoma City was mowing his front lawn and got about halfway across it before he started to feel ill.

Ill enough that someone called for help. Help. Help. It came through as a medical call to the fire department, which is normal there because Oklahoma City's firefighters go too far more medical. What? Go to far more medical emergencies than fires. In a typical year, the department answers about 97,000 calls from its 36 stations. And more than a half of them are medical.

Fewer than five in a hundred are fires. Okay. So a fire crew came. They treated him. traded him where he was, got him safely into the ambulance, and the ambulance left for the hospital. On paper, the call ends there, and the crew is free to go back to the station and wait for the next one.

Then they looked at the yard. Half of it was cut, and half it was not. So one of them took the mower and did the rest, up and down along the wall of the house, while another walked up and down path grinning at whoever was filming. Someone in the doorway watched. The department put the video on his Facebook, page on Wednesday, 9th September, and the whole post was a few lines long.

We couldn't leave it that way, so we finished the job. Nobody was named, not the man, not the crew, and the department did not say which station they came from. Well, it was on their Facebook page, so there's that. Yeah. Back to you. What it said was that service does not always stop, and the emergency is over, and that it was a simple act of kindness.

News 9, K-F-O-R. K-4. K-4. In Oklahoma, ran at the same day. and people in New York post the day after. Okay. And then people commented on it, but nobody cares what they had to say. That is awesome.

That is cool. I'm glad that they had a chance to just knock that out for the guy. Because, I mean, can you imagine as a man? And if you care about your lawn and you care about the looks of it, right now I don't have to care about shit. Because everyone else does it. But you get sick and you go to the hospital and you come home and your lawns, half overgrown. Or you're in the hospital and you're like, God,

damn it. Let me go. I gotta finish my life. Scott's walking by right now, looking at my lawn. Judging me. You get an HOA fine because your grass is too tall because you had a heart attack.

But only part of it. Parts a half of it. Half fine. He goes, well, you almost were terrible, but you're half terrible. Here you go. Here's $75 fine instead of $150.

Yeah, that is awesome. Good job, firefighters. You're nice guys. Well, where you don't have any fire. to put out, so we might as well cut as long. Get our workout in for today.

All right, here's something I found on the internet or not me. Well, it's all over the place now. Just fucking play it. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison.

Crazy, right? Let's check it out. Together, as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes. That's awesome. All right, so this was sent in by our son, Brayton. I also covered this on my morning news show. So by the time this episode comes out,

this will be everywhere. Whatever. Good marketing. So what happened here, and it's not the first time that Wendy's has done this, but Wendy's dropped an emo album. I saw that. That was called, it was what songs to listen to in the Wendy's parking lot. I believe it was what it was called. And they have some good artists on there. It looks like they teamed up with Rise records. Whoa. So I think all the... Out of Portland.

All the artists are a part of Rice record, including Spokane native Maddie Mullins. Mm. You have that beautiful red-headed bastard. A lead singer from Memphis Mayfire. Spokane's own.

And I don't know, they have videos. I'm going to play a little bit of the one that has Maddie Mullins, but they have funny songs. And this one's like, it says that she said she didn't want any fries featuring Maddie Mullins. And I don't know if they're

just kind of fucking with us because it sounds pretty AI. And maybe they fake the videos, but they say that it was produced and custom written, but I've fucked with AI a lot and just kind of the timing of how the vocal structure is, I'm like,

that's not really how someone would sing it, but here you go. Oh, yeah. That sounds like him. It sounds like him, but you can train it. You see what I mean? It feels like you'd hear something a little different from that. Is it actually Memphis Mayfire? It says that it is.

I don't know. It said the guy did do it all. So we can believe it, but I love it. Good job, Wendy's. That's just funny. And there's many more songs if you're interested in rocking out the songs about Wendy's in our classic emo years. She lied, she lied, she lied.

A band with Maddie? No, one of the neighbors. I never was in a band with. Maddie. Were you? No. No. I showed up late. He was already in Memphis Mayfair. He was already in Nashville, I think, is where they were at the time. Yeah, Challenger. He'd just come out, right? Was that his first album with them? You don't know. I don't even know if that's the name of it. Yeah, well, it was the first full-length release because the EP was the old singer. The, yeah. And the first full-length with him kicked ass. It was that fucking Southern metal. And then they just,

went to shit. I disagree. I mean, that next album was really good. It was just, it was the same. It was,

whatever. Whatever, you don't want to talk about it? They sounded like, the old first original Memphis Mayfire, it was like them. It was like a cool sound.

And then they just, they went like metal for. And now it's like super pop. It literally sounds like AI can be making every song they put out. Yeah. And they used to just, it's fucking guitar riffs

and just filthy, dirty wrists. That's what back when I was doing their MySpace page. I'm pretty sure every label is using AI to do mastering at the very least now. Oh, I'm sure. So that's why it's got the similar vibe. Yeah. But he could do that. That wasn't

that's what he does, isn't it? This guy? Yeah. Yeah. I forget his name. There's Joel something. He's worked with like Arianna Grande in one direction and I'll, you know, so I mean, he knows what he's doing. So you could I mean, could do it, but for me it just sounds so polished. Maybe you just

just been in the AI weeds for too long. Yeah. So weird to have big corporations funding punk rock. Yeah. Or whatever. They just know. They see the trends. They see what's going on.

Sweet. Let's see here. I'm not going to do this. I just wanted to have a little reminder of this song for everybody. This was the song. So fun. Look at the long fleep hair. God, that's fun.

The hollow. That was it. All our favorites had that hair. Remember that look, dude? Yeah, the deep V. The chorus. Oh, man. And he is keeping his head above water if you look at the music video.

He's the last person I had a picture going in a cave. Like that look, the video has him with like the torch. He's looking at her. I was like, he's got that big swoomy hairs. But he wears eight pounds. He weighs eight pounds. The torch weighs more than he does. He's like, I'm going to go in here. I'm brave. Man, that look. Everybody had, everybody straightened their hair. Just under oath. Big old swoop. Seuss in. Memphis Mayfire. All right, let's get off to Hey, guys. We got to do it. Come on now.

Zuckin. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. All right. We'd like the first one or the second one, Brian, you pick now. Uh-oh. All right. I'll take the first one. First email coming in from our uncircumcised son, Josh. Hey, guys, I'm a foreskin owner.

And I can tell you about having one. All right. I can store anything in there that I want, be it Montreal season, peas or apple seeds, but not really wanting to use it as a personal storage device. All right. As for the condom, you just got to be hard. Squeeze it like one of those dolls you squeeze in the, ice pop out?

God. Then your head comes out. And then you just roll it on there and go to town like normal. The head can be a little problem because you got to peel back the skin a little bit so the turtle head can peek out. But all at all, foreskin is fine. Four skin fingers probably not so much. Thanks guys. Have a great day.

I love that. It's like, no jokes. Just this is what it's like. This is what it's like. I've got one and I can hide whatever I want in there. Just in sight. Putting a condom on. It's like,

but like that also doesn't address the, the question we had about putting a condom on is that you're not always rock hard all the time. Then what do you do with that? Because you've got two sliding, shrinking surfaces. What? It's like trying to put a condom on one of those like the toys that are full of water.

Then you can shake around. You stick your finger in the middle of it. Probably fuck one. Yeah. It's like that. We try to put a condom on it in the top, the outer layer is always moving. You're like,

you're getting pregnant. I remember one of the kids brought one of those things home, and I grabbed it and kind of went like that. I was like, oh, that's interesting. I'd fuck it. Mm-hmm. All right, on to you, sir. Second email coming through from Andrew.

Okay. With a Tony Trouble update. Oh, fuck. Dude, don't make me. I wish I could say you guys aren't going to believe this, but you probably will. Yeah. I'm pretty sure Tony knew Dimebag Daryl.

dime bag was a fixture in zanesville ohio yeah he was which isn't too far from where i live and actually the road i live it works for that tone never mind come back to me oh it does it works for that yeah i don't want i don't want to guitar solo pay back to you the road i live on was very frequent was very frequent in by drunks hopping around bars between zanesville and where i live i actually called it the underground Park, dude, I got so much hate for this. Someone who's like, he's like,

someone posted, I forget where it was. But someone was like, he's like, oh, cool, someone who loves the use in my chemical romance talking about, almost they don't like Pantora or Pantara.

Cool, bro. I'm like, to be fair, I said I used to love him. And Catboys from Hell was one of the first songs I ever learned. But, just,

all right. All right, back to you. Just about everyone in Zanesville has a story about Dyingbag. Yeah. I would also like to add a little bit more to Tony. Since the mythology around him seems to be entertaining. Am I forgetting something about, who is Tony?

Tony's the guy that was blowing shit up and revving his car. Ah, yes. God. This whole thing. I'm sorry. It's all right. My memory is terrible. Now you get to shoot bottle rockets at him and he's leaving the house.

I remember now. Pussy! Who! Since the mythology, surrounding him seems to be entertaining. One summer he was trying to build a small outbuilding next to his shop which was surrounded with

beat up old broken down cars. Fucking yeah it was, dude. I'm almost certain half of them were stolen. Okay, okay, at least half. So for the summer I basically just took a job, pulling nails out of boards that he found at my payment, and my payment

was free access to the fridge full of Dr. Pepper. Sometimes, you would get us, let us shoot the machine gunny that he had. What? Which I will let you know. Fuck!

What? I don't know if it's Dimebag or if I just can't read, but I'm having trouble here. I'll turn Dimebag off. Which I will let you speculate on the legality of. His daughter was my babysitter. Whenever I was a little kid, and one of the coolest things that I remember

was that he had a trampoline. Fuck. Hell yeah, he did. But a fucking chorus, he had a trampoline. Oh, yeah. The first project, The project car that I ever had, a 1980 Camaro came from his place. Yeah.

And I'm almost certain that one of his friends did donuts in our yard. Once when I was in my late teens, early 20s, my dad came into my room early on a Saturday. Asking where I had been all night, I said, here, idiot. And he very angrily asked me if I was lying and if I wanted to tell the truth. That's a loaded question, Dad. I walked outside with him and looked at the yard and said two things. One, my car is not covered in mud. So I went to the only car wash open at midnight and washed my car after doing donuts in the yard.

In my own yard. In my own yard. Or I didn't do donuts in our goddamn yard. Fuck. You know who did? But to be honest, I will say that I probably had one of the quietest neighborhoods in Perry County, Ohio. And I will be happy to say that our speculation, on what it sounded like where I was growing up

was pretty spot on. Not to say that my own family didn't post problems from time to time. One time I came home from the gun store that I worked at, you know, where I sold guns and my dad had my shotgun out in the yard. Shooting the grass. I asked him what the hell he was doing, his response,

I've had it with these ground moles. I asked him why he needed to use the buckshot on ground moles and why he was using my shotgun for this. To which he responded, I knew yours was loaded. Fuck. I'm probably one of the least redneck people where I live,

if you can believe that. Nope. Two huge things way up. Two things. Two things way up. Two huge things. Two huge things. Just holding up some stuff.

Two huge things way up. I could feel myself trailing off, you know. I'm like, two huge thumbs way up. let me know if you would like to hear any more of my shithead family stories. Of course we want to fucking send them in. Love it! Speaking of setting stuff in, anything you want to see on the show,

stories you want to share, hey guys at can you don't podcast.com. Hawkathon is on. Help us do the fucking machine guns. Head over there, patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Rate and review us wherever you listen to the show. Check out what Uncle Zach is doing at scatcast.com.

That is scat with a K. And a shout out to the babysitters that moderate the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook. All right, time to wrap this shit up. Rezzi. Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? Okay.

Got joke for you, Joe. What is it, sir? What did one DNA expert say to the other? What? These jeans make me look fat. Oh, jeans. Jeans. Fug.

Yeah! Jeans. They actually do. They actually do. You look fat. It's not, your eating habits aren't helping, but. Yeah. These jeans make it look fat.

You are fat. Do these jeans make me fat? Yes. Yeah, and all the windies you've been eating. Yeah, it doesn't help. Doesn't help. All right. We love you guys.

Off to the bonus content. If you want the bonus content, patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. Follow us in there. Bye-bye. Bye.