Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Noodle Bounty. Phobias. Thirteen. Sex Spells.

Episode Date: March 5, 2025

Did you know that for just a few hundred dollars, you can have a stranger on Etsy do a magic spell that will make your penis bigger or have the person of your choosing act like a sissy little cum slut? Let's talk about that, going to jail for your birthday, all the different phobias that people have, the best baby name to ever exist, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/8dwvbzG_8IcSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Noodle bounty. Phobias. 13. Sex spells. We don't need Something, something We were talking about this bad thing pumpkins before we started recording. Yeah, so. Honey, love, anyone is home. We love now.

Anyway. Episode 142. The episode is 142. Of Can You Don't. If you haven't signed up to Patreon, do it. Do it. Please support us so we can keep doing this shit. Head over to patreon.com slash canyoudontpodcast.

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Speaking of Zach, we're doing lap time on the show today. What are we talking about, Zachy? Stupid shit. Great. From a stupid person. When are we talking about, Zachy? Stupid shit. Great. I'm a stupid person. When are we going to talk about sex, baby? Not this time at all. Okay.

Well, maybe. Do you have any? Not this time at all. Do you say phobias? What are we really talking about? Yeah, phobias. We're going to look at a bunch of phobias. What about sex phobia?

There might be one in there. There's got to be one. I don't see one this time. But I got a couple of good ones For can you don't And I got a couple Pretty strange ones Okay Is there necrophobia

So you're like You're afraid of Having sex with dead bodies You're trying to fuck up My shit bro Cause I have that Yeah I'm also on team Cause that's illegal so

It is yeah But if it wasn't You'd be in the morgue Just pounding I just Scooby that to me Scooby by that one Just fucking cold roast

beef for days! Yeah, man. We're doing another merch giveaway. We took a break for, gosh dang, a couple months. It's the holidays. Yeah, Christmas time. Just dialed it back. But because of popular demand, we're bringing back

the, I guess we're going to call it the You Send or We Send merch giveaway. Because that was so much fun. i forget his name off the top uh top of my head but uh the last time we did this we had a terrible towel sent in and we signed it and then also sent back some other shit uh for him sports related memorabilia yep so the whole store is open we've got some new merch in there right now head over to to canyoudon'tpodcast.com and check out what we got. We'll drop new things throughout the entire month of March. But

the option at the end, we're just going to pick a random name out of everybody who's bought merch. And you can decide whether you want to send us an item of yours, a random object. Bring it in. We'll sign it and we'll send it back to you. Or you can leave that decision up to us to pick some random shit. We'll sign it and we'll send it back to you. Or you can leave that decision up to us

to pick some random shit. We'll sign it and we'll send it to you. So we're doing it again, baby. And I'm excited about it. So head over to canyounopodcast.com and just buy anything from the store for a chance to win. I'm not going to hold my breath until the end of this thing. Monsoon.

Before we get into the show, we do have something to talk about. I know. This is going to shock a lot of people out there. It has to do with hot air balloons. Weird. It was sent in by our son Adam, but this situation is pretty weird, but also kind of a neat experience.

There's a company out there that wants you to go ahead and have sex in a hot air balloon. So when you read that what's like first thing that crosses your mind porn okay porn's the first thing so you didn't think about your dick out dying with your dick out okay it's a good way to go yeah that sounds like a like a like a sports documentary i so under the giant you know the dandy that uh that chick that banged a thousand dudes you know

in a day classic uh i think one of her next stunts she wants to do is a bj while skydiving so that i'm gonna mess focus yeah how many how much viagra you taken before you do that shit i'm a skydiving. So, I'm in a mess. Focus. How much Viagra are you taking before you do that shit? I'm a little nervous. It's probably got to be a guy that's like a seasoned seasoned. He's like, listen, this is nothing to me. Maybe the pilot's going to have

sex on here. See, that's the thing. So, this company and it says, hot air balloon company based in California wants you to join the Mile High Club in one ofia wants you to join the mile high club in one of their wicker baskets in the sky magical adventure magical adventure balloon rides wants to put you and your lover in a hot air balloon so you can fuck in the skies over temacola and the guy's just watching yeah so they so they drop a little like divider and then they uh invite you to bring like your own champagne and bedding

and stuff like that and then i forget how big those baskets are oh yeah but like i mean that's for multiple there's smaller baskets i'm sure this is a smaller basket what are you bringing bedding for then what well i mean i guess you just fuck doggy yeah that's what i was thinking up against the basket. Yeah. Overlooking. I mean, you want the view, right? Yeah, you don't want to lay down.

You lay down so you can... If your view is the inside of a picnic basket. Yeah, and they're like the knees down ankles of some pilot. Just moldy. Yeah. Like, just clearly used picnic basket view. And you're just humping away in here. I'm going to... go babe i'm about to

do you like that when i you're you're like hitting the fabric hitting his feet like dude stop dude uh it says it like they'll wear ear protection like protection to to block out the sound of you guys fucking on the other side of the picnic basket. So the pilot's just going to pretend that it's not going on. He's going to put headphones on and stare forward. Yeah. So this article is very funny. We're not going to read it.

But you go way up in the air and you can have sex in the basket. But you can tell this guy's been through some shit. His total opinion piece's just about like yeah the last thing i need would try to keep my dick hard is some guy fucking on the other side of a plaster of a fucking fabric sheet it's like you don't know me could you do it yeah absolutely yeah fucking fucking i'd pull the curtain down. You want to see that? Yeah.

I'm about to come and he's like, and I just go, pull the curtain down. And I'm like, fucking watch me! I thought you were pulling the flame. Yeah, after I come, I can fucking stand up with my limp dick. Little celebration tug. Just drip and cum. I'm just like,

Let's go to the two mile club stratosphere motherfucker he's like sir that's not legal i don't care i'm fucking in a balloon who cares what's legal isn't this indecent exposure you're not legal he's like, you're 17! You're not even a pilot. I'm 56 years old. Are you? Then stop me! Has your dick just fucking come all over it? Yeah! I love magic hot air balloon pictures. Come all over them. You want a five-star review?

Let's take this shit to two miles up! And he's like, dude, he gets to walkie-talkie out. This guy's out of control. Yeah. Get somebody better to hop in that truck. Follow us down to the drop point. I don't know where we're coming down. This guy's lost his mind.

He's come all over his dick and he's yelled that I'm a 17 year old. I have no clue what we're going over. See you in Mexico. Anyways. She hasn't said a word. Yeah. Or he. Yeah. Maybe it hasn't said a word. Or he. Maybe it's two dudes. What a weird anniversary gift.

What if you were like... Happy five years. We don't have to hang on this, but what if the pilot was homophobic and two dudes show up and he's got to take them up there. And he's just got his headphones on and it's on the other side of the curtain. It's like, this is so unnatural. You're lucky I'm one mile closer to heaven because this sucks.

Haven't you read Leviticus? Yeah, exactly. That could be interesting. What if you refuse to do it? Just like the cake guy.

Yeah. I ain't taking it flying in my balloon. Flying in my balloon. I go way up there for fucking two gays. You know how close I am to Jesus?

What year is it? Jesus is going to see this. We're just giving him a better view. Get out of my basket. He can see straight down in my basket. See you fucking another butthole? Like would you fuck a woman's butthole? Yeah.

Hell yeah, brother. Cool. Do you want to rip the cloth down? Come try it. Get over here. Come try fucking a butthole. Tell me how much you hate it. You fucking, yeah, right, gay. You're right you're gays gaze into my eyes fucking of course

didn't see this on the bingo card fucking two gays in my basket god i got two gays in a quicker basket god these night classes. Can't finish up. Wicker. Can't wait to get home and rub one out. A couple wicker gays. Can't wait to get home and rub one out to this while no one's watching. Amen. Game in, brother. Game in, brother.

Hey-oh. Just thought of that. Yeah, nice. Game in. Yep. All right, let's move on. You guys can have that. Who?

The gays. Oh, game in. Nice, game in. Is that a thing? It's gotta be Come on Game in, bro Game in, brother Yeah, there's no game in

Game in Maybe it's not I've never heard it Well Spent a lot of time around game in You get it I spent a lot of time game in Close

Game in, brother Game in, brother Alright, let's start the show Zach fucking play it hey shut up start the show already alright so let's get this going

this was sent in by our son Zachary would you rather every time you get in a vehicle you have to cum on it here we go for safe travels hot air balloon anything Would you rather every time you get in a vehicle, you have to come on it? Jeez. Here we go.

For safe travels. A hot air balloon, anything. You just got to come on it. Or else you're not safe. Let's see. You can't go anywhere. It's just not going to be a safe journey, and you're risking it, right? Or have a random piece of BDSM gear appear in your closet every day, and you have to wear it.

Is that like the Leather Daddy stuff? Oh, yeah. What? I mean, I know that you fancy the porn. Hang on. You dabble. You've had to have come across it. Well, no, yeah, I just don't know the terms sometimes. BDSM, was that bondage domination? Oh, yeah, okay. And sadomasochism.

Yeah, I've just never, I guess, never heard of it. I i i have never mind move past it i what i can't move now he found a button to push he's gonna push it no bdsm gear is like getting tied up restraints ball domination ball gag pissing i get it pissing piss in your fucking mouth or whatever oh yeah that was i remember seeing a porn with that yeah years and years ago or some dude came on another guy's leg because there was it was i don't think that's bdsm well it's dp bonanza and they were wearing it's not bald dicks and inner thigh they were they were the guy was wearing a leather mask with the zipper and all that stuff so it was all

yes yeah and so it was two guys and a chick and they were one was in one hole and the other guy was in the other hole just just sharing and the other guy pulled out from the butt and jerked off on the other guy's leg okay that's cool yes not my favorite part it was hard to Get hard again But did you Did you cum? No I think I had to Find something different Just browsing Just little window shopping

Just seeing what's going on Over here Little too much cum On the leg For my blood Yeah God Why are all the

Recommended videos Fucking dudes Actually cumming on legs It fucking dudes actually coming on legs it's jizzing on some guy's hairy leg it was gross yeah to you yeah exactly to me uh so i was i wanted it to be a nice pair of pair and pair of shaved legs and it was yeah and it was a hairy dude leg i wanted shaved legs so like mean, just a little example here. So, Zach, you want to bring this up? That's like BDSM stuff. So, whips and butt plugs.

Duck tape, that's fun. Duck tape. You have this little felt. Oh, there's a strap on. You have this little felt over here. Ooh, the anal beads. Which is a ball gag, but it's also a dick. So, the dick's just in your mouth the whole time.

They also have this, but facing the other way. So, it's on a dick so the dick's just in your mouth the whole time they also have this but facing the other way so it's on the outside of your mouth so that they can fuck the dick but it's not where dick's supposed to be no it's like an a a you like asked an ai generator to make somebody and they actually put the dick where the mouth supposed to be that's funny yeah so whips and pocket pussies ha ha ha. Do you like dicks on the outside, Joe? Do you like dicks where the mouth's supposed to be, Brian? Do you like my dick on your mouth where your mouth is supposed to be, Joe? Taping up.

You got the duct tape looking stuff. So this is going to randomly appear. So basically, you're picking out your clothes for the day. And at the end of it, you open up a magic box And inside of that Is something that you also have to Either carry with you Wear all day No matter what you're doing

Seems like you should have to wear it You can't wear a whip You can carry around a flogger But like you carry around It's just a huge black strap on dildo. Exactly. It's actually, it's, you're walking down the street heading to, to work and it's just boing, just bouncing around.

And that's the thing about the BDSM community is the creativity that's inside of that. Right? Like you have like. They're an artsy bunch. Yeah. They're exploring. Mm-hmm. You know, they're finding themselves.

And, like, they have blindfolds, but they also have, like, blindfolds that would say, like, fuck slut across it. Or, like, blindfold... Let's say, like, fuck slut cum dumpster, but also little cat ears on it. Mm, that's cute. Right? So, you're never going to run out of shit that you have to wear all day. No matter what your day is.

And we've talked about this before with different situations when it comes to Would You Rathers. It's like we work from home. Also funny. Because the kids, they come back from home and you're just like,

you turn around like, how was your day? Well, I have to go pick them up. And you're wearing a fucking dildo on your head? Yeah. Oh my God, tell me about your day But you got another zipper

You unzip it How was your day Just trying to talk through your ball gag That's had to have happened in real life at some point Hey kids Are you bringing a homework And of course there's going to be days where you get lucky Like you get away with a little butt plug

You just pop that baby in and carry on. Like nothing's wrong. Just like so many people do out there. Yeah, like have you ever tried like a vibrating butt plug? Yes, I have. Thank you. How is it? Eh, fine.

Yeah, fine. Don't need it. Funny experiment. You know what I mean? Like during sex or you just wore it throughout the day? Oh, not throughout the day. I took it to the ball game. During sex stuff.

Every time a team scored? I took it out and got fucking Ken Griffey to sign it. Oh, that's sweet. Fucking slugger to slugger. He thought it was a cork for your bat. That's what I thought, yeah. Oh, my God.

I thought this cock ring was an on-deck warm-up weight. Imagine if you needed that for your dick. The cock ring, different weights to get it, and then you take it off, and you're like, whoop, now I'm ready to go. But the restraints, you don't know what's going on. You have a day. You have to go to the dentist's office, but then like you pull out, you pull out, like you have to have your, oh my God. They make like those, uh, those leg spreader bars where like you can have the ankles, you

know, and they're attached to a hard piece of steel. So you can't close your legs. Like no matter what you fucking want to do. So you're walking around like this? Hey, cowboy! Walking around like that? By any partner? Ding! Hey cowboy So you're either walking like a crab Or an old cowboy I'd like to take all my money out

You're like why are you fucking doing that This is my magic shoes What prison did you just break out of And why am I hard Imagine being Me and a clerk at the bank and watching that guy walk in. Like watching you walk in. Immediately push the button.

And then now you have to explain to the cops. All right. They know you because the amount of times this happened. If you were, let's say you were. God, I haven't seen in a couple of months. Last time I arrested you, you were inside Dairy Queen with a whip. Said no whips. No guns.

I mean, what would you do? Like, I'll have a number two and this guy's just like carrying a fucking whip. Like a little flogger. Get them ass cheeks red. Yeah, you can supersize it. Ding. Could you get in trouble for wearing Let's say you go into a Dairy Queen If you had just a giant The ball gag but it's on the outside

So you're swinging it So a penis on the outside And you walk in there in order You can't get in trouble for that right I feel like no shirt no shoes no service Applies also to no dicks where your mouth supposed to be yeah but that's disturbing that's not having those things yeah you just walk around with your like a fucking dildo but you can walk around and sexy stuff that

doesn't reveal your body but as soon as you start having dicks all over well that's racist or something something it's one of those things yeah sex. Sexist. Penisist. It's penisist. You can walk around with your tits out. You said penisist and my brain started playing like Bach and Beethoven. Yeah. Yeah. But just this huge dick bouncing around on your head. Okay, so let's go. So that.

One option or you have to jerk off on your car. Sounds fun. All right, kids. Big road trip today. I get to jerk. Close your eyes. I get to jerk off. You get to jerk off.

So that's one in the pro section column. But walking out and going on an errand isn't something that usually makes you come. No. But you have to come on your car. Is that like... You're going to volleyball practice? The school bus driver? Yeah.

He's got a load... You drop your kid off. You're like, all right alright have a good day at school You look at him You both wink On the side of it And your belt's like And you're trying to rub one out

You're not even hard Like that weird jerk off Everyone knows that Why even try It's not even there But you're like I'm gonna make it happen yeah and it's like the ending amount is just something that you're not gonna write home about

glad i wasted it here alone and not in front of another just like a tiny little bit comes out and you're like they suck i need to eat more bananas or oysters or something holy shit i'm dehydrated. That's like, that's, I mean, that's the ultimate, like, depression. Jerk. Where you're just like. Yeah, it's fucking 6 a.m. You gotta wake up.

Earlier. Let's go for, like, an early flight at the airport. All right, we all packed up. Yep. You shut the door. And you're just like, okay. Like, you open the door for your partner, wife. Gets up yep you shut the door and you're just like okay like you open the door for your your partner wife gets in you shut the door and he's fucking staring at her your face is all swollen you're just like he's just like trying to ignore it and you're like

just keeping us safe oh god oh fuck imagine a pilot in an airplane so everyone's everyone's bored he's like all right, going over the things. And then he's like, we're just waiting for the pilot to finish ejaculating on the airplane, on the wings. But good news, it's 72 degrees and sunny in Las Vegas. You know when they have to de-ice the wings? He's like, we're waiting for our pilot to de-cum his penis. If you guys should please close the windows, our pilot needs to jerk off on the wings. He's like, we're waiting for our pilot to decum his penis. If you guys should please close the windows, our pilot needs to jerk off

on the turbine. Alright, looks like he's done. And he's flying everywhere. Please enjoy your one hour and 24 minute flight to Las Vegas. Safe travels. I know it will be. You know, well, they're not jerking off an airplane you could

be a pilot fucking taxi guy you can christen a boat uber driver yeah you roll up and you're like are you are you jeff yeah yeah you ron yeah all right so we're just gonna need a minute here he gets out of his car he goes back to the trunk he's just every you just have to copy and paste your notes but like

no talking please no AC I'm gonna have to come on your car Joe and he's just like okay I mean alright

you're gonna get a nice tip nice just a tip I get it yeah well I'm gonna pick a random BDSM gear cause I feel like there's a lot of stuff I can wear under my clothes I mean, all right. You're going to get a nice tip. Nice. Just a tip. I get it. Yeah! Well, I'm going to pick a random BDSM gear because I feel like there's a lot of stuff I can wear under my clothes. And it's also funny to have to be wearing a fucking choker.

That's funny. As I go to the dentist. My first thought was to do the other way. To jerk off on a car? Just because. I was just trying to weigh the options and the idea of going to pick up my kids in a full... Yeah, but you have to... I'm guessing the parameters

are, it's like, get into any vehicle. So as long as you get in on your car and then don't get out of the car when you pick up the kids, then you don't have to jerk off in front of the kids. But any trip on a weekend weekend like we're going to silverwood we're going to a theme park all right everyone get in and then dad just goes to the tailgate and fucking comes but on the same token let's we're all going to silverwood the backup camera you're all looking

no you oh my god how disgusting is that view like Like the backup cameras already like kind of fisheye Just a sad dad fucking jerking off behind a car full of kids Looking at his phone trying to like Yeah Fucking get way to go to fucking Silverwood We're late! Hurry up! We're late. I know! That's what makes it easier!

Roll the window up! Yeah you fucking God it's a smoking hot tail pipe God I'm gonna fuck it The talking Yeah The motivation You're not a bad guy

It's like the guy that peed in his luggage Yeah It's not like you want to do this You're a good guy You have to do it Every good guy deserves a good gum you're making sacrifices for your kids just flopping around this weird half a wrecked dick that doesn't even want to be there like neither of you you or your dick want to be there but like also women too is also i mean you gotta come on the car so if you're on the hood of a car with a giant vibrator. Just rubbing it down that one weird crease that's down the middle for aerodynamics.

Alright kids, we're going. He's like, squeak, squeak, squeak. Alright, he's like, the other person's job is to just pull the fluid the whole time. So she can rub her puss on the fender. Fender, I hardly knew her I was just picturing that what's that chick's name from the warrant video everyone knows her name no it sounds like something

Zach would know though Zach I don't you know who I'm talking about right the cherry pie yeah the cherry pie she was like a famous cause of that video but I just picture like her moves just like she's cause women need so much more. It's a whole, I saw a meme of that guy that's like, used to do the sound effects for cartoons.

He's like, it's like all these sound effects and then just trying to, he's doing all this stuff. Like hitting the metal piece. You get one take. At least a guy can just be like you're fucking naive women's like oh that was a nice dinner yeah you're oh man yeah she's never going anywhere no no someone someone could i'm sure someone loves the feel of studded tires on their clit. Anyway, I'm going to pick BDSM gear, because although awkward, I can still, for the most part, just keep going about my life. You can hide some butt beats.

Yes, and it's not going to always be something. Yeah, half the month is going to be something that's going to be an issue. Yeah, the other one, you can come, but you can't hide. But the fact that I have to jerk off before running to the store to pick up some Zin. Like, just being like, all right, babe, head into the store. And she's like, what's taking you so long? You're like, look outside. You like that?

Just out in the driveway. She pulls the curtain back. She pulls the curtain back. She's like, show me a boob. Show me a boob. And she's like, fuck, dude. And she just, like, pulls her shirt up and shoves, just squeak, like, shoves her boob into the window. And she's like, fuck, dude. And she pulls her shirt up and shoves her boob into the window. And you're like, yeah.

And you're like, yeah. And you just give her a thumbs up. Got it. Take off to the store. She's wiping it off with the edge of your coat. You're like, whoop, sorry about that. I guess if you're just starting to drive, you're 16, you might be able to do that real quick. Yeah.

Just thinking about a 65-year-old trying to jerk off on a car in a walker. The neighbors are like, we have to move. Brian has lost his goddamn mind. God. Have I? Tell me how much I've lost. Yeah, I lost it. Am I crazy?

Am I crazy? Tell me how crazy I am. Tell me how crazy I am it. Am I crazy? Am I crazy? Tell me how crazy I am. Tell me how crazy I am. Fuck, I just need to fucking tell you about it. Fucking old man. The things that you would have to tell yourself to get through that. It's not even about sex anymore. It's just like you're telling weird stories.

Develop a weird fetish for fucking rear window wipers. Yeah, you go back and forth so hard. You got to reach the window out a little bit more. develop a weird fetish for fucking rear window wipers. Yeah, you fucking, you go back and forth so hard. You gotta reach the window add a little bit more fluid. God, dry. It's gotta get you wet. Oh yeah, you fucking and it's like some days you're rubbing your dick through the fucking windshield wiper

fluid. You fucking you like it? And your car's just like Yeah, I know you do. Fucking slut. You little fucking automotive slut. So is that just to make sure it's safe or you just can't drive?

It said safe, but we don't have to worry about it. Because I'll just go for the danger ride and just risk your life. Yeah, it says make sure it's safe. Which also sucks because now you're just going to jerk off in front of your kids. Okay, real quick. sucks because now you're just going to jerk off in front of your kids. Well, what if you... Okay, real quick.

Okay. Let's say you're just going to risk it, but a tire could just fall off on the freeway. Yeah. Like something kind of extreme. I feel like something happens if you don't come on your car. It's got to be extreme. Yeah. Like something is going to happen if you can't come.

And that's another anxiety level to think about. While you're trying to fucking... Yeah, you can't get there. You're like, I guess I'll just risk it. So not only... And you're trying to fucking well if you yeah you can't get there you're like i guess i'll just risk it so not only you're trying to fake it you're like oh yeah and like just like putting pre-com on a fucking license plate oh my god i just came so hard isn't that the kind of the you're hiding it from jesus type thing though like yeah if he sees everything then you should be able to you can't hide it. Yeah, so like if you don't come something's going to happen. It's not going to be a safe ride.

And your kids are in the car with you, so you want to be the safe parent. You want to be a good dad. I get it. Public transportation. I'm picking BDSM. Zach? Same. I'll do that. Good idea. Alright. I have good news. We've added another song to the

ai album zach roland fuck yeah dude hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about? You're going to be pumped. Yeah. So, you guys haven't heard this track, but a couple days ago, I was like, dude, it's been a couple months

since we've added to the AI Can You Don't album. The Greatest Hits album? Yeah. I mean, it's the first album, it's Greatest Hits, you know that.

We don't fuck around, we're not wasting our time dropping, what, five, six albums before we decide Greatest decide greatest hits ain't no b-sides whatever the fuck uh so here we go the latest addition to the can you don't ai album whenever it does come out i'm gonna play it for you right now zach you play it your speakers the connection's better i was a simple man living a simple life

It's pretty, yeah. I thought I had it all It's getting so good. But something was missing They have gotten better, these AI songs. I tried changing things I even started working out. But then I realized my tongue was lonely, no doubt.

No doubt. So instead of being sad, I chose to become a man. The day I licked a butthole was the day I grew up. All my friends told me to do it, it would finally fill my cup. When my happiness was at an all-time low. I just needed to grow up and lick a butthole. Wonder who this song is about. I overheard my friends talking to their friends.

Think about it. Every other word about how they would lick one again. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it.

Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. Think about it. The day I grew up, all my friends told me to do it It would finally fill my cup When my happiness was at an all-time low I just needed to grow up And lick a butthole And lick a butthole

And lick a butthole And look at my home The only difference between spending your time with a smile or a frown Is how deep you've shoved your tongue inside the brown Just so you guys know, I didn't ask for this flute solo coming up. I gave it to you. Ready? Oh, shit. This is pretty. It's so good. It's getting out of control.

Is that it? Wow. So that already already it's crazy the vocals sound so different Zach is there a reason we shut the door I couldn't hear you laughing

oh I don't know you shut it I was wondering why you did oh I didn't mean to that doesn't sound like that AI produced

yeah echo echoey type voice you know it's getting so much better that's crazy yeah this is I

I mean just as oh man i moved some shit now i can't hear myself there you go uh nope still didn't fix it no ah fucked it look what you've done look what you've done opening doors um fuck oh there it is so the uh the program we use which i think we talked it's like sono it's s it's S U N O is the program that we use to make these AI songs. And I mean, again, like I sent this to some friends and my brother and he's like, I mean,

they know AI. And I was like, yeah, I know. But like, it still hasn't gotten to the point. Like I couldn't open up this program and say, write me a song about you're so sad and you don't feel like you've grown up until you finally

decided to like a butthole and this is what it came up with like you still have to finesse it and really basically rewrite everything until it works um but this is like version four i think when we first started doing things sono just started like version one it's like they're actively taking all of the things that are made and feedback that's given and creating it just gets better and better and better that was a that was a different voice yeah sound like them before too like they're they're adding different we we've got we've got time can we play the alternate version oh no so i wrote this as like when i was putting the lyrics in i imagine it as a country song because i think i wasn't our very first one about fucking a birdhouse

or is that the first one or the butthole song me shoving things in my butt that was we basically have songs about coming in buttholes which if either bird birdhouses or buttholes you're not surprised if you listen to candy don't podcast i hope the ai forgets about us well like you used me oh no it's following us around but i mean i wrote this as like the country song and listen how good this shit is zach i know that you have it will you play it i was a simple man living a simple life. I thought I had it all, but something was missing. I tried changing things. I even started working out. But then I realized my tongue was lonely, no doubt So instead of being sad

I chose to become a man The day I licked a butthole was the day I grew up All my friends told me to do it It would finally fill my cup When my happiness was at an all-time low It's so fucking good. I overhear my friends talking to their friends. Every other word about how they would lick one again. I never thought I'd like it, and I'm not sure that I did. But tongue in a prune circle has made me happy again.

The day I licked a butthole was the day I grew up. All my friends told me to do it. It would finally fill my cup. When my happiness was at an all-time low, I just needed to grow up and lick a butthole. The only difference between spending your time with a smile or a frown is how deep you shoved your tongue inside the frown. I want to do an Astrid Violin solo. I loved your tongue inside the brown. God damn, That's wild I know

That sounds like Like Clint Black And Alan Jackson Like that old Early 90s country Yeah That's funny The day I licked

Their butthole That little That little That little like Hey Yeah Hey Hold him Hold him Hey That little, that little, that little like. They even add the little steel in there. If there's an AI engine out there that just randomly inserts Billy Corgan. Kind of like the goat. The day I licked a butthole

The day I grew up that's such a good version of that scream it sounds like it huh i did it one time and i was like holy shit that sounds i can do it i use that i use it constantly in scat cast you get it perfect am i the goat you are yeah yeah anyway so latest edition hope you guys loved it but it's getting unreal by the time we finish this can you don't ai album like be on version 10 and the world will be ending be nuclear war and we cranking out fucking. Stick my cum on a car. I can drive my kids. I'm on a nuclear rocket.

I'm sending it to your butthole. I got places to go, but I got a cum on my car. So there you go. I love it. Love it. Good job. Good job joe good job good job i was just there yeah i just happened to be there kind of like the pregnant uh birth of your kids yeah i mean i didn't do much i guess i mean i was just having fun and here you are

no yeah i got to come you fucking come i'm gonna name you fucking cum which is funny segue way to go you didn't even know you did this so we have talked about on the show i don't know what yearbook song what's over here okay i there's been people that have been offered obviously like uh like lifetime supplies of certain items if they get like a tattoo of monster energy drink on their neck like it has to be like neck up if you get like fucking zamboni you can drive a zamboni for a year like some dumb shit like this this is real life worth it fucking shit especially when your year is up and then you just have zamboni on your forehead which is kind of hot yeah my friends i would just put zamboni i would change my name

hi my name is joe paisley. You never guess what my nickname is. And he's like, look at your forehead. You see their eyes go. Is it Zamboni? And you're like, it is. How did you guess? It's Italian. Let me tell you about fucking year of my life.

Best year of my life. Living in the glory days. And I'm just hoping that our connection can overcome the best year of my life. And you can stop looking at my forehead. Right. Like I hope our connection is that deep. Nebraska father in limbo after daughter's name incorrectly listed as Unikite 13 Hotel. What the fuck

leave it to a dude and the reason is like when i read that i don't know what your guys's first thoughts were but i could ask you what they were so how how do you think unikite 13 spelled out, not the number, Unikite 13 Hotel became the name of this baby? Maybe where a baby was conceived. Okay. Like an address? Mm-hmm. Okay.

So an address and just kind of wrote on the wrong side of the line. Or where it was born. Okay. Right. You're wrong. A Nebraska man is fighting to get a social security number and valid birth certificate for his toddler, Caroline. Please call me Caroline. Unikite 13 Hotel.

Please call me Caroline. But my friends call me. My name is Unikite. What is it again? Unikite 13 Hotel. But my friends call me Caroline. Okay. Well, I don't know you, so nice to meet you, Unikite 13 Hotel. But my friends call me Caroline. Okay. Well, I don't know you, so nice to meet you, Unikite.

Taking attendance in school. Hotel Unikite. Unikite Hotel. Unikite 13 Hotel. Present. Here. What the fuck is that? Okay

Whose name is incorrectly listed In the state records As Unikite 13 Hotel Jason Kilborn Kilburn Oof That's Craig Kilborn Who lives outside of Omaha

Has been desperately trying To obtain a social security card And the unusable birth certificate for Caroline. Can I say something real quick? No. You know when you screw up as a husband and you're scrambling to make it right in whatever way you can? Yeah. This is what I'm picturing.

The ultimate fuck up and your wife is just like, you stupid fucking idiot. And you're just like I don't know. You're trying so hard to get it fixed. I remember when Pepper was born I wrote down my ex-wife's birthday wrong. Like I had to fill out the form.

And I was just so tired and didn't give a fuck about the form they were giving me. I just wanted to get back to the my firstborn. It's the most important form of their life and i'm just like i don't think i wrote in the birthday wrong you don't even know my birthday i'm mad just like combined her birthday and my mom's birthday you somehow month was right day was wrong year was right that's what i did you somehow assigned a different mom your child whoops i was like see i was like i don't know just give it away just give it away i saw a thing where it is pretty easy to screw up kids like to

give the baby to the wrong mom there was an interview with a nurse and she was like it happens you'd think that they would come up with a more fail-safe plan barcodes i mean they can make sure i get a amazon package correctly they can make sure i get the right baby you know what i mean uh so without these documents he said he has been unable to get any services for her from health insurance to child care because they all require a social security number to verify her identity. It's like she's a ghost, Kilburn said in a phone interview on Monday. It's been very, very taxing. Caroline was born in November of 2022 in a house just over the state border in Council Bluffs, Iowa, to a mother who immediately wanted to place her up with another family, Kilburn said, adding that Nebraska foster parents then took her in. Kilburn and Caroline's mother had dated on and off for several years, but were not together when she gave birth, he said.

And it was only later that he learned of Caroline's arrival. Okay. So this is a very complicated story. Let's see Caroline, also known as Unikite. Very cute. Unikite 13 Hotel. She looks like a Unikite. If that's what a Unikite looks like.

God, you're keeping that that you look just like a hotel yeah spitting image god hotels must run in the family you got the nose of a 13 hotel to me once kilburn took a dna test proving that he was the girl's father the juvenile court relinquished custody from the nebraska department of health and human services which oversees foster care to him the mother who faces allegations of neglect and drug problems has no custody rights an attorney for kilburn said attempts to reach caroline's birth mother on monday were unsuccessful we're getting there i saw this way different i was like he's trying to make up to the mom and she just and just wait till you hear the punchline. As Kilburn tried to gather basic paperwork for his daughter once she was in his custody,

he quickly realized that something was wrong. In the time between when Caroline's birth mother gave birth in Iowa and when the foster family took her in Nebraska, instead of a birth certificate, the girl had received only a certificate of live birth. Which seems like something you'd get at a zoo. You're like, good job good job panda you're here but we don't really care you did it you're alive yeah here's here's a here's a ribbon participation award for entering this beautiful world where nothing is wrong an unofficial document is is the live birth certificate that hospitals submit to start the process of generating government-issued birth certificates.

Further complicating the matter, here you go, the certificate of live birth listed a bizarre name on it, Unikite 13 Hotel. Kilburn said he contacted CHI Health Mercy Council Bluffs, the Iowa hospital that

issued the document and received little guidance on how to proceed but he did get a potential explanation for where the name of the document came from I was told it was computer generated name AI named it? AI named it A baby came out and they're like we don't know and they pushed a

generate button and it gave her the name of a rock a number and then hotel wait so they didn't want to name the kid they just like we'll let the computer do it, and then we'll go with that? Right. So the mother gave birth, immediately gave it over without naming the kid on the live birth certificate. Rude. He finds out the kid is named Unikite 13 Hotel. Well, they're good at making AI songs, but not so good at naming babies. It's like a name, if it comes down to in any particular situation. It's called a uni. We're at uni, where a computer has to name a kid. I know how these little programs work.

And you don't have to pull from whatever's in the dictionary. Like, you can set it and give it parameters so that it gives it names or like top top 10 girl baby top 5 000 just give it a name so its name is at least i don't even care if it's a girl and it's named John Joe Brian. At least that's a name. Yeah. It's Joe Zach Brian. Great. At least it's a fucking name.

But if you're like, we don't have a name. And you're just like, all right. And you click a button in Unikite 13 Hotel. Who was the guy that clicked that and said, yeah, that'll work. That'll work. Are they sitting around there? We're going to go with the first one that comes up. We all agree on that. Can we all agree on that first one?

And then there had to have been someone going, you sure you want to do this, guys? We can just push the button again. Yeah, they push it again. They're like, Unikite 13 Hotel, that's ridiculous. They click it again. It's like Seesaw Banjo Gas Pump. They're like, well, it's better than Unikite 13 Hotel.

Let's name this kid Seesaw Banjo Gas Pump. Seesaw. Seesaw. That's cute. Cece. Cece. Seesaw Banjo Gas Pump. That sounds like a nickname you'd give your daughter.

Yeah. How little do you have to care to then proceed? I don't know. They might have just clicked it and be like i don't they'll just name it they'll figure it out later and did not know that it's gonna be hell to fucking get it pulled off especially when you i maybe it's easier if maybe it was easier if both parents were there uh and there was a mess up you could go to you you could go to one of them. But the fact that it was just left to foster care, that's like the ultimate storm of just things getting missed.

I can see if a baby's full name is like, name this later. Worry about it later. They wrote that in. Their official name is Worry About It Later. Yeah. Later Worry About. Later Worry in. Their official name was worry about it later. Later, worry about. Later, worry about. Maybe that's what happened. They did it again. They just changed the order. Because Unikite,

maybe it was Hotel 13 Unikite before. And they're like, no, that sucks. And they redid it. They're like, redo it. And they're like, okay. We're not going to go down this path. My first thought was with you guys like in a sense that like maybe he just put the address where the name was and messed it up and then they entered it they're like no you put unikite 13 hotel yeah like what's the address

caroline what yeah they just he wrote like that's on the wrong line yeah that's where i'm staying no because the computer they're just like they're just like dink and it's like all right unikite 13 hotel unikite's not even that crazy like that's kind of a cool unikite if you just isolate the unikite you're like that's kind of a cool name is it it's close to malachi i mean it's it's you it's a unique unikite interesting name yeah that's a fun one to say in bed. It's the hotel one that kind of throws it off. Yeah. Also, the number 13. No, 13's great. Oh my god, you need to fucking come, Unikite.

Yeah, I mean, you don't... I guess when you name your kids, you're not thinking, oh, what's the beastly man gonna call my daughter's name when he's coming to bed? When he's putting in her ass you want it in your pussy your mouth unicate you're not really thinking about what you should

name and oh and you didn't name your kids Jessica a good name to yeah think about here you go for people out there listening think about that for a second the name that you give your daughter will eventually be used whispered and where you want me to come uh-huh you ever think about that yeah amy we're gonna name her amy or heidi yeah you fucking moon where do you want it moonbeam where do you want it my little hotel are you any vacancy tonight or are your rooms full yeah sorry i meant wombs all your wombs have free internet fucking unikite room for two in that womb got free hbo in that unikite you're lucky fucking i'm i'm fucking 18 not 13 oh fucking yeah you want to go to taco belly when

you come on my car for a safe trip yeah unikite what do you want unikite unikite sounds like a fucking slur get out of your fucking unikite yeah no well that's i was thinking yeah i uh that was my first thought was when i heard it it. How can it sound exactly like... Racial slur. Just don't say it. Great. I want to say it so bad. Next story. You read it. Oh shit. This is a fun one.

Oh my god, I keep pushing fucking yearbook music! You fucking lying? Alright. You want 13 hotels in your unit? Japanese ramen shop owner puts bounty on negative reviewers. Nice. Something must be done.

Oh, you don't like my ramen? Fucking die! Yakuza. Yakuza. Rooted in culture that values hospitality and attention to detail, Japan has long been renowned for its world-class customer service. Consumer-facing businesses go above and beyond to ensure customer satisfaction. However, not every establishment upholds these high standards.

And a recent incident has revealed just how far a shop owner can go. Mm-hmm. Toyojiro! A Jiro style ramen restaurant in Kyoto ranks second on the city's ramen database, has come in under scrutiny for placing a bounty on customers' heads simply because they left low-rated reviews. Sounds shocking, right? Let's take a closer look at the events

that led to such an extreme response. Fucking kill him! Dude, that's insanity. Yeah. I'm working my ass off! And they're just like, well, I mean, it's pretty good, four out of five stars.

I'm gonna fucking cut your head off. It reminds me of that japanese game show from on snl that chris farley was on where he ended up cutting his fingers off and stuff uh it all began when two individuals dined at toyochino kyoto based outlet after leaving one of them posted a one-star review criticizing the store's customer service and the quality of the food up to this point, everything seemed normal. Negative reviews are a common occurrence. However,

what happened next was anything but ordinary. The restaurant did not take the criticism lightly. In response to the review, they posted a threatening message. If you write a stupid review, we'll find you. We'll beat you up up i love pettiness

it's crazy not even like not that's not even threatening them we'll find you we're gonna beat you up oh my god it's kind of remember that uh the liam neeson and taken he's like i will find you and i will kill you yeah even that i will find you and i will give you a swirly i always thought that that sounded kind of lame like not very intimidating he's like i will kill you. Yeah. Even that. I will find you and I will give you a swirly. I always thought that that sounded kind of lame, like not very intimidating. He's like, I will find you and I will kill you. Yeah. You're everyone else won't until he found them and killed them. I know.

I know he did, but it was like. Then the fucking door gets kicked open. You're like, holy shit. He found me. Yeah. And he's going to kill me. I get it. But I just like, I wanted him to say like, I'm going to find your ass and I'm going to massacre, you know, like. I'm going to fuck it. But he was just like, I'm going to find you and I will kill me. I get it. But I just like, I wanted him to say like, I'm going to find your ass and I'm going to massacre.

You know, like, but he was just like, I'm going to find you and I will kill you. I'm going to find you and I'm going to come on your Corolla. Safe travels. All right. We'll beat you up. They escalated further by publishing

photos of the customers and offering a cash reward to anyone who could provide information of their whereabouts. This is insanity. So if you can't see, there's a picture of the two guys eating food. And they just posted photos from their

security cameras all zoomed in. Find them. I saw your post and you seemed a bit weird. We try not to treat people like you as customers so it's fine but you should probably avoid eating out someday someone like you will get screwed i don't care just come directly and i'll deal with you we run a planned business so if you get in our way we'll get in the way of yours too the store wrote that sounds like lost in translation that sounds like someone in shop it sounds like uh it's english as a second language trying to make a threat yeah that's what it sounds like well it

was their first language this is just the translation of it right well yes so it doesn't make sense right it's not nearly as scary yeah yeah yes exactly what's anytime something's translated into another language it doesn't sound as cool i will find you and i will kill you like you translate that in japan it's like where are you you die where might you be located or in like i would like you to not be located anymore. You'll no longer be located. You'll be unlocated. Unlocatable.

You'll be unlocatable if now you are locatable. That's not scary. But in their language it's like, I'm going to fucking kill you. You fuck. I'm going to wipe you off the map. Unlocatable. And then with a picture of you Eating ramen With your little haircut

Sitting there with your bowl cut Being like, I don't know, one out of five stars And this guy's like, I'm gonna stay awake all fucking night I picture he's just in a back room Watching him eat I ate your leftover ramen, it was good Die! I slurped your soup!

On their Instagram, at toyojudo.toyota, Classic. the restaurant posted a story offering a reward of 100,000 yen per reviewer to anyone who could provide their personal details. Dude, is this crazy? Track them down or take action against them. The shot made it clear that this manhunt would continue

until both individuals returned to the restaurant, had another meal, and wrote a positive review. With a photo. Do you like it? We're not going to kill you. We're just going to make you come back and eat, and you're going to enjoy it. Yeah, just gonna make you come back and eat and you're gonna enjoy it. The chef just, he writes all this stuff.

They show up like just, they haven't slept in four to five days. They've been hiding out. Yeah, they sit down. He's like slides the ramen over and stands there with a samurai sword. You like it? Would you like to be a little cannibal? It's good. Great!

Take a picture. How many stars do you think? What, like four? Yeah, yeah. Five? Six? He's like, four? Five?

He pulled it out a little bit. He's sharpening it. This is like five-star ramen, you think, right? Yeah. Yes, of course. Of course it is. Yeah. That's what I thought.

Okay, you may be locatable Yes, of course. Of course it is. Yeah. That's what I thought. Okay, you may be locatable. You may remain locatable. Tell your mom I say hi. I'll be there tonight. I'm your dad! Call me dad! Alright, the only thing he can do is come back, eat again, and write a good

review with a photo. I told him I won't forgive him otherwise. Not even for the safety of his family if he does that he'll be killed right away this kid is so scared he'll really do it so he better just come back and eat the store owner stated another message look can we talk about that for a second yeah it's crazy shit like i mean I've talked about stories in the past about a fucking what was it Steve-O's pizza shop Steve-O's something ribs

where the guy came out with a gun over people not being satisfied with the meal and fucking shooting at them in the parking lot this is like almost worse like threatening to kill you and your family if you don't come back and eat ramen leave a five star review and take a photo?

And you better smile! The chef is smiling and the kids are crying. Five stars. Dude, that guy. Five stars, best ramen I've ever had. That guy's got to get some thicker skin. Oh, man. Reportedly, the store is looking to expand into Asia and the U.S.,

leading them to take extreme measures to maintain positive public image. Well, this will help. Oh, my God. Yeah, well, going this far is going to really help your expansion process. I guarantee that. Holy shit. Gosh, dang. All right, you ready to hear about some phobias?

Yeah. Jump on to some lap time? Uncle Zach, it is your part. It's your turn. Oh. Go ahead. I was just going to say anybody that wants to look up the story there's more to read so it keeps going

he doesn't stop he really wants you to die oh my god it's so funny ramen guy fucking unbelievable alright you play it we'll sit on your lap coming in hey little chitrons why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap gather around boys and girls Hey, little chitrons. Why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap?

Gather around, boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. Phobias. Phobias. Are you scared? I am, too. That's the point.

Nice. What's the phobia for being scared of hearing about phobias? There is a phobia called phobia phobia. Really? Yeah. Nice. Scared of getting an affliction of some kind of phobia. Okay. So, like, what's a hypochondriac?

It's in there, too. Okay. Well, actually, I was going to ask you first of all, because I think you guys could probably nail these pretty easy. What do you guys think the number one fear of human beings? Spiders! Nailed it. Clowns.

Death! Spiders is number two. Okay. Death. Arachnophobia. okay arachnophobia death is up there it's number 10 according to ai okay according to ai yeah well we did a bunch of research and we tried to put it all swimming no not swimming but there is fear of water flying fear yes that's up there it's called aerophobia okay that would make sense. Good name. Most people I know have at least one of these, it seems like. But in the top ten, you're still going for number one. It is an animal.

Getting eaten alive by a bear. No. Bees. It's called Ophidiophobia. Ophidiophobia. Bacteria. Nope. It's not an animal. I'm going to have you guess a lot of these because they don't match the name at all. Ophidiophobia Bacteria Nope It's not an animal I'm going to have you guess a lot of these Because they don't match the name at all

But Ophidiophobia Is snakes Oh Friends of snakes Fear of snakes is number one Friends of snakes Friends of snakes is not a good thing

According to friends of snakes That's my wife She's a friend of snakes So can we Before we get going Yeah What level Of fear

Do you have to have In order to Like Have it be a phobia? Like being uncomfortable around spiders. Not it. Because everybody. Yeah. But what is it?

Like what level of discomfort or reaction does it have to cause for it to be a phobia? From what I can tell, it seems like it has to be somewhat debilitating to your life in certain aspects. Like you'll lay down in a ball. You won't go into a room. Yeah, you'll in a ball. You won't go into a room. Yeah. You'll shut down. Perhaps you won't go into a house. You'll avoid experiences because you have a phobia that your brain has tricked you into

thinking that that is a threat beyond what it actually is. Yep. Okay. So yeah, once it starts to afflict your life. Okay. So one snakes, two spiders, three heights, which is called acrophobia, which I think I don't have a debilitating, but that's why when you say, hey, let's go skydiving.

I'm like, go fuck yourself. That's why you're a pussy. Acrophobia, buddy. Public speaking is number four. It's what you are doing right now. It's called glossophobia. What's that? That's public speaking.

Oh, being afraid to talk in front of people. Flying is number five. Needles and injections is number six. And that's these are going to be impossible to pronounce i had that one for a little bit intense fear of medical needles yeah i mean just like i mean like discomfort but like i wouldn't like not go get like a blood test but when i started doing testosterone stuff like i could not poke myself well you have to poke that's different when when you got to poke yourself. Yeah. Well,

is it though? I don't think I could do it. I mean, I, if I could, if I had to, but like, I don't,

I don't like getting shot. Now I can do it with like no problem. The more you do it, like anything else, the more you do it. But that first poke was probably scary. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, whatever. Tough guy. No, I'm saying I had that. I literally just said I had it. And then now you're making fun of me for having it. You fucking, yeah, I'm saying I had that. I literally just said I had it. And now you're making fun of me for having it. You fucking.

Yeah. I'm going to cum. Maybe you should have more testosterone, you little bitch. It's called trypanophobia is the intense fear of medical needles. That's what it is. Trypanophobia. Trypan. Can you guys.

This is ridiculous to ask you to guess this, but synophobia. Can you guess what that is? Fear of movies. Movies. No. You think so. You say zin or sin? Sin. C-Y-N-ophobia. Oh, fear what that is? Fear of movies. No, we think so. You say zin or sin? Sin. C-Y-N-ophobia. Oh, fear of sinning?

You'd think. It's closer. Fear of God? Oh, you just arranged those letters a little bit and you got it. Fear of dogs. Yep, that's it. That's the number seven fear for human beings is fear of dogs. Why would that be sinophobia? Exactly. I think it's probably Latin for dog somewhere or something like that. Thunder and lightning is number eight, and there's actually two different kinds of

zoosophobia astrophobia anxiety around loud storms crowded spaces a lot of people have agoraphobia and then death it's not a phobia but almost everyone is afraid of death in some way that's why religion anyway it's happy on the other side. You get everything you've ever wanted. Just die! Die! Misophobia is an intense fear of germs, dirt, and other contaminants that we're talking about. Mark Summers. Now to the rare. So these are going to be crazy

and very hard to pronounce. Some of these ridiculously so. But the first two are CYD-centric phobias. Can you don't? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, sorry. I thought you were... Afraid of Joe and Brian. What? Yeah. It's official.

It's in Google now. Now, this is crazy. So this is, to go here, I need to tell you what a not today is. You ever heard that word? Not today. A not today. Not today-o. That is the bird family that includes waterfowl, like ducks, swans, and geese.

I was going to say, is there a fear of geese? And it's pronounced, uh, not today. Like, uh, not today. Uh, not today. So, a not today phobia is the irrational fear that somewhere, a duck or goose is watching you. Fuck yeah, dude, with a knife in its mouth? A not today phobia. Imagining having that?

No shit. Where you're just like, you're just waking up making fucking school lunches. And you just always are scared you're gonna look over and're just waking up making fucking school lunches. And you just always are scared you're gonna look over and a goose is like, hey, if I had thumbs. If I had thumbs, we'd have something to talk about here. Looks like a nice breast on that sandwich!

Is that goose? No, it's turkey! Then you're good. Honk, honk. Honk on. We can be friends. We can be friends, you little honker. All right. One of the first things I had to look up was if there was a fear of hot air balloons and official phobia. Oh, there has to be.

There is. Technically, it's a fear of balloons, but it's called globophobia. Globophobia. And it's really more about balloon animals and clown shit. And it's, I guess, a lot of kids have it. The guy in mexico take my money but it can also be linked to a fear of clowns which is called

coulrophobia c-o-u-l-r-o phobia that's ridiculous yeah that must be latin for clown all right that's bozo dude that's a bunch of bozo-phobia. I'm going to butcher this one for you guys, and I'm going to want you to guess and see if you can get even closer. Oh! Fucking A. Beef-phobia. All right. Arachibutroi-phobia.

Butroiophobia. Iraqi butroiophobia. Scared of Iraqis? Scared of Middle Easterners? Middle Eastern war? It's a food. Terrorist? And something a food can do. This is almost impossible to guess. Say it one more time.

Oh, thanks. Can you use it in a sentence? Iraqi Boutroyophobia. Yeah, what's the root word? When I have Iraqi Boutroyophobia, I don't like it. Okay. Because it's stuck.

And what's in the origin? Greek. Yeah, very Greek. It's about food. It's about what happens to the food when you chew on it. And it's a specific kind of food. It's not sound. It's like what the food does in your mouth.

It breaks down? Nope. This is really stupid. Burns you? Spicy? It's the fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth oh you why would you name it that and who has that no one but there's but there's a rare phobia that can that's basically sticky things or fear of choking and it combines into this and there's enough of it to have... Wait, what is it called? Fuck you. No, really.

Arachibutreophobia. Because my... Arachibutreophobia. Sorry, guys. My son has got like a... He's got a... Or something. It's like a real thing where he... Certain foods, he just...

He's like picky. He's terrified. He's gonna... Choke me on it. He's gonna choke or... Yeah. Like I try to put a macaroni noodle. Macaroni noodle. Not a macaroni noodle. Macaron I tried to put a macaroni noodle.

Not a macaroni noodle. Macaroni. I got a macaroni noodle. Got it. Can you make it big? I tried to cut a little piece. Put cheese on it. And tried to put it on his tongue. And he was like.

Like he was. It was legitimate. Like terrified. What is going on? And it was like. Because it was slimy. The slimy noodle. He was terrified of it.

Oh. So we battle with that all the time. When they get slimy, they get pretty nasty. When they're overcooked. Tell me about it. Yeah. All right. Can you guess what nomophobia is?

N-O-M-O-phobia. Nomo. That's a very new phobia. Fear of, no. Fear of something about computers, computers, social media. You're close as fuck. Not getting likes. Nope.

It's just about the device. Oh. Fear of not having your phone. Correct. Yes. That's right. Oh, I just heard. Did we talk about that?

I heard about that somewhere. Maybe. I think we did. Like no mobile? Yeah, I think we just did. Yeah. That sounds familiar. This is interesting.

This was only done on male students, but one study found that 23% of male students were labeled as nomophobic, and almost 77% checked their cell phones more than 35 times a day. I only check it once. It seems low. It does seem low. Yeah, we know, Zach. All day. I'll text you at 8 o'clock in the morning, and I'll hear back at 1.

Yeah, day and a half later. He's like, yeah, I can do that. Yeah, that sounds good. I'm sorry about that. I have all my shit off. I'm not great at 8 o'clock in the morning and I'll hear back at 1. Yeah, day and a half later. He's like, yeah, I can do that. Yeah, that sounds good. I'm sorry about that. I have all my shit off. I'm not great at it either. I just usually have mine in the other room. I don't know what it is, but there should be a phobia for when somebody texts you.

I'm like, no! No! Who's that? Exactly. I have to respond. All right, this one's pretty easy to guess. Arithmophobia. Math. Math.

Yes. It's actually associated with doing math, not just looking at numbers. What about urethrophobia? Just looking at numbers? This isn't just looking at numbers. Unikite 13 Hotel. Why did you name her that? All right.

Can you guess what plutophobia is? Fear of gods. Mythological gods. I would say planets i think i feel like that's dumb fear of uh small planets that are that were dwarf planets planets that are now not and then they were again now dwarf planets fear of disney dogs no it is fear of money plutophobia and it's this is kind of funny plutonium would have been yeah people. Plutonium phobia. This fear includes being afraid of wealthy people or fear of becoming wealthy themselves. But basically, it's just dread of money and having to deal with it, which a lot of people are that way, I think.

Yeah, it must be nice. Yeah. Oh, my God. What am I going to do with all this money? Well, here, we'll get to some other crazy shit. This one's interesting. Fear of the color yellow is called xanthrophobia. And it's weird that it's specifically yellow.

And it stems from some traumatic thing. And the other colors don't have the same popularity as this. It's just yellow for some reason. It's very offensive. So there's that. A bluetoe phobia is the fear of bathing. I like that. Ablutophobia.

And so there's also lots of fears about water, obviously. Octophobia and that kind of stuff. And so it stems from that. Octophobia. What would you guess that is? Fear of the number eight? Yes. There are only two numbers that are really popular to be afraid of.

But the number eight. Seven. Yeah. What's the other one? Seven. Thirteen. Nailing it. Seven. Yeah, what's the other one? Seven. Thirteen. Nailing it. Number.

Dude, the word for fear of the phobia for 13 is triskaidka phobia for 13. That is nonsense. Yeah, whoever's naming these. It's so irrational. The people naming these are ridiculous for sure. Yeah. I like this one. Almost more ridiculous as the phobia themselves.

Yeah. Yeah. This one is crazy, if you can guess it fe by phobia yeah e-p-h-e-b-i phobia uh phobia phobia of like um of uh uh getting stung by a b and not having your epi not having your epi pin yeah i'm gonna go a fear of being sad oh it's fear of chitrons. Fear of adolescence. Oh, yeah, that's the same thing.

It is, basically. What makes you more sad than your own chitrons? Nothing. Nothing. No. Certainly with your integrity and your confidence. Fear of belly buttons. This is crazy.

Amphalophobia. Amphalophobia. Amphalophobia. Like where it fucks up your day is my, my brain just keeps bouncing back to that. What's that? Like this phobia. Like, it's not just being like,

ah, that one's a weird, I don't care for it. It's one thing. I don't want to be around them. Like if you see a snake, I get that. Like you're scared.

It could hurt you. Like this thing might kill me, but like seeing someone's midriff and you're like, Oh fuck, get it away. Get it away! Get it away! Get it out of here! Hey.

Hey. Oh, you just fucked up somebody. I'm just here. It's funny because they— We all have them. They want to avoid their own belly buttons, too, and will even put tape over their own belly button to not look at it. It's crazy. A belly button is truly one of those things that everyone had it—you had to have it at some point even if you covered yours up you had it yeah because you or you else you wouldn't be

born is there a phobia for belly buttons covered up with tape there is now because i like filled with water and going full of cereal do it doing the hairy bagel you guys ever do that one oh yeah oh yeah all right there's a few that are fear of hair there's pogonophobia or pogonophobia perhaps it was just fear of beards and i guess you can imagine being a little kid seeing a bearded guy so santa probably has fucked up a bunch of people no that's good that's why i give so many gifts and there's several kinds of fears of hair in the love huh there's tons of fears of just hair in general hair on the couch hair on your head. And hair of the dog. Yeah, hair on food is huge.

Being afraid of losing your hair. All these things are related to a number of things. Yeah, basically. No sexophobia? I'm not as good as I once was a phobia. No sex appealophobia? Doraphobia is the dread of touching the skin or fur of an animal. I think some people I know might have a version of that. Dora phobia is the dread of touching the skin or fur of an animal.

I think some people I know might have a version of that. I thought it would be the fear of exploring. Dora. You would think so. There's a ton of these, you guys, so I'll just do a couple more. Oh, boy. Yeah, give us a couple more, and then we've got to get to the... Then we'll talk about what we can do with this. So, vestiophobia, can you guess?

That one sounds familiar. Vestiophobia. It's in there. You should take a big puff. I did. That's right. Is that a hint or was that just a habit? Just a hint.

It's a hint, baby. Was that a hint or a habit? I got my cherry over here. I'm cheering it up. If it was a hint, I mean Mean it would be like fear of not being able to breathe Strawberry Your fruit the hint is in the winds. It's vesti

It's in the vest. Okay wearing vests sleeves. It's fear of clothes. Oh I know I'm stupid. Why would they choose vest though? I know, right? Because it's restricting. But a vest, yeah,

but a vest is like a niche within a niche. What? Vest is like a, it's a niche item within clothing. Why would you

choose the niche item? Right. It doesn't represent clothing very well. Vest. Vest. It's probably the Romans. The Romans were into

togas and vests. Same guy that wears fucking leather that's true well i'm gonna give you a he's gonna make up for the lack of sleeves but we're by warming up those hands i'm gonna give you a they're like vests for fingers sorry all right these are just rapid fire real quick ergophobia is called shapes the fear of work great lots of people have that decid. Can you guess what that is? Decider. What do you know?

Decider. There you go. The fear of being super committed to one decision. That's correct. Okay. Phobophobias, fear of phobias. Half a phobia. H-P-H-A-P-H-E phobia.

Morbid fear of being touched. I think Brian has a touch of that. He doesn't like me touching him. He rubs my belly so I'll run away. Yeah, he'll rub your belly all fucking day, but he won't fucking get touched. That's right. It's not getting touched. It's the... Fear of coming in my pants.

No, it's the dislike of having to... When you see someone, you feel like you have to greet them with touching. It's like, why do we have to touch? We can just say hi. True. You know what I mean? Fair enough. That's why we never made it past first base that's right a math a mathophobia is a fear of dust i can't imagine being afraid of dust that would be tough uh a lot of these feel like they're funny

but it would be really tough to exist it's got a lot of dust on it hey anyway there's lots of them uh there's too many to even list so we'll skip ahead to, like, what do you do? What are some of the things that you do to deal with stress or anxiety? If you have, not a phobia, these things are, you probably need to talk to a doctor and whatnot. But are there any tools or tricks that you guys use to calm yourselves down besides drugs? Nope, just strictly heroin. black tar in the eye black tar injections that really lets me get over spiders um well anxiety is the uneasiness about the future right well anxiety and stress is just like realizing what like the serenity prayer yeah

i think that's one of the best ways to look at it, yeah. Yeah, it's a serenity. It's like, what can you control? What can't you? Yeah. And then hope that, I mean, we have the wisdom to understand the difference between what you can and can't control. It's hard to accept that, though. But when you think about it, it really does make sense.

You're like, there's nothing you can do about it, so you might as well just not dwell on it. No, that's where we differ when it comes to bacteria and shit it's just like it's fucking everywhere and to me it's like you're like no i get it right i know you do but like overcoming it is different for me it's like if i think that like a weird example toothbrushes everything's in the bathroom and then you poop and then the bathroom smells like shit that means that there's shit everywhere including your toothbrush i'm also going to brush my fucking teeth. I'm not going to keep my toothbrush in a fucking vacuum seal on the other side of the house. I'm also realizing that humans are built to deal with this shit. And it's all going to be okay.

So it's like that is like I don't have to remind myself of that. But if I'm in a situation where it's like this is really scary. Also, what can i do about it i can either make it happen or be a fucking curl up in a ball and it's like going outside right it's gonna go make it happen like you fear of like people not wanting to go outside because something bad could happen like you could do that and you could just stay in your house and not live right it's really easy to do that super easy but like it just that so that's my tool it's just realize that the entire world is full of nonsense all the

time and if you try to control that you're not fucking living just just let it go and go fucking do stuff a lot of good stuff in life is on the other side of fear you know if you can push through fear benefits are on the other side a lot of the time most of the time unless it's you know fear of getting shot or some shit you don't want to yeah going back to one of the things you you said in here was like the public speaking one i had a i always was just deathly afraid of speaking in public and i still like if i had to go just like go if i had to go just, like, go, if I had to go give, like, a commencement speech, let's say at a college, I would stress about it nonstop. Yeah, yeah. The moment you got it booked, right?

Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. It would just consume me. But, like, you know, we do this every day. And so we come sit down. I don't even think about it anymore. And I know that would eventually happen with public speaking. You see these guys that go around and give talks all over and it's just second nature to them but that right now i would still

be terrified i would get going up to do like a stand-up set i would probably vomit or shit my pants before i went on both would be funny when i was looking this up a lot of things people were saying is it's like anxiety and what what i missed you know he said both probably or funny yeah both would be funny so it would have worked and you're staying a bit fuck yeah i i forgot what i was saying but uh there were a couple tips that were in there and a lot of things uh finding humor in in things as quickly as you can is one of the things but But everything's in the mind. Besides the actual phobias where you might need actual medicines and stuff.

But it's like changing your perspective. And so there's one that I have that I've used for a long time that I just wanted to share because it's kind of funny. And I might have shared it with you guys in the past. But whenever people are arguing or talking very serious and taking themselves very serious, I try and in my mind, I try and zoom out and picture everybody in the area as little gerbils just squeaking at each other. And it works for me every time.

Whenever people are like mad at me or mad at the world or talking shit that they don't know about, it's just like little gerbils fighting at each other. And it changes a little chemistry in my head almost every time where it's like, this isn't important. This isn't something that I need to get all worked up about and so that helps for me but changing your mindset about everything yeah because being afraid of these things is is your belief system and how you look at the world it isn't reality all the time so figuring out how to change your worldview your belief systems

seems to be like one of the tips that's not drugs your expectations of what happiness is supposed to be it's like who the fuck are you exactly like just calm down are you happy like you're not as cool as you think you're not thinking about everything that's wrong all the time it's like no you can be happy like literally everything is wrong all the time if you want it to be like that if that's the life you want to have yeah sure shit's wrong all the time yep on X. If that's how you want it to be. You know, I had a thought the other day, and I guess I've had the thought

before, but I was really thinking about it. I think where my, where I differ from someone who, like another buddy, he just goes for shit. He'll take a gig playing music, and in his brain, he's like, I'm going to kill this thing. So he goes up there and he he'll he'll take a gig playing music and in his brain he's like i'm gonna kill this thing and he's just so he goes up there and he'll do it and flawless and in my head

i think about it the whole time but that's how i am in everything so like when i go to the lake and i'm gonna get in the water i don't just go get in the lake i'm thinking about oh how cold is this i stand there and think about it and then like who and then like work myself up to going and then doing it but it's like i do that with everything always have instead of just there's always some there's always like a speed bump so i eventually get over the speed bump but it's like this slow build up to it where some people are just they're just like they see the thing and they're just like fuck i, I'm just going to go do it. And not even really think about it. Just thinking, I'm going to go kill this. They have that confidence. I've always lacked that confidence to just go like, just going to go do it. Go promote whatever I'm doing. When I was a band, when I was in a band,

if I was going to do a set or solo set, I could never go tell myself, like go hand stuff out to people and be like, come check out my shit i still can't do that but i could but i had like friends who can do that go check out our band and it and like i wish i had that and i still have never been able to get over it i don't know why flyer phobia flyer phobia you know it's it's, it's the, it's like, I don't want, I think, what, who cares? Why do these people care?

I'm intruding on them. How, yeah. How, why do they care what I am doing? As Mitch Hedberg said, here, you feel this way.

Exactly. I got one last thing. What I, what I was looking, when I was looking at this, there's, all people are anxious. All people have anxiety.

So it's the baseline of humanity. A lot of us are like, I'm like i'm very anxious it's like we all are some people hide it a little better whatever but i think every human feels those chemicals and what i kind of thought of the other day i drink you know that you know that parabolic arc that they make with the airplanes where you get like eight seconds worth of free fall or you know. I think that's what life is like. You get a little bit of joy. Once you reach that weird arc, you're always constantly anxious or stressed or a little dark place or whatever. And every once in a while in life, you get that little moment of weightlessness where

you're like, this is pretty nice. And then it just goes away. And then you're right back to the baseline of anxiousness. Yeah. You know, I used to think about touring and stuff like that. When I would lay in bed at night before bed, I would start like, not daydreaming, but you know what I mean? Like, thinking about things. Like, getting all pumped up and motivated.

Like, oh, I should do this, this, and this. And then I would wake up the next morning and be tired. And then think about the same thing and have a completely different perspective. Thinking like, God, that sounds like a lot of work. work that's like i'll never be able to pull that off but so from an eight hour difference laying in bed going to bed feeling jacked pumped i can do this like all this stuff to completely opposite like what were you even thinking it's a terrible idea and just totally negative it's like every day is a new game kind of thing with your chemistry. Yeah, yeah.

Where was I yesterday? Build yourself back up again. Yeah. Because it's all torn down in the morning and you have to build it up. By the end of the night, I'm like fucking sky high. And then it all just comes crashing down in the morning. The Stoics talk about that and they call it memento mori. And live every day like you get one day and they die at the end of the night. And then you're reborn again the next day. And that's their call it memento mori and live every day. Like it's, you get one day and they die at the end of the night and then you're reborn

again the next day. And that's their mantra is memento mori. Remember you're always dying. That are the case every, every day. I do just be doing so many drugs. I'm like, God damn.

Didn't die again. All right. Well, meth it is. Let's let, let's let this day just fucking cocaine and hookers. Memento mori, baby. Goddamn, I'm alive again.

Cocaine and hookers. Hoo-wee! And I'm going to Chili's! Best day ever! Holy shit, I'm alive again. Cocaine hookers and red lobster! All the chain restaurants. All right, well, thank you, Zach.

My pleasure. Love you, appreciate that. That was fun. Yeah, let's take a look at some good news. Zach, you push the button. Fuck yeah, dude. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray, we aren't doomed.

Yeah! We aren't doomed. Not where I would pick to have my 104th year birthday, but this lady did. Chili's? That's a perfect place. No, Outback. Oh, Bloomin' Onion.

On her 104th birthday, Lovetta Chamberlain had just one wish to celebrate the occasion behind bars. Not those kind of bars, guys. Her wish came true Monday when she toured the Livingston County Jail, a small correctional facility in janecio new york what bars were you think we were thinking of like going to the bars

oh i was thinking this oh all right i was too not be like they're just play or cocaine 100 104 working behind a bar going behind a bar and just getting railed my first thought was prison. First thing I want to do, just get fucking hammered in the alley. Chamberlain's visit included coffee and cake, handcuffs, and meeting a canine dog, according to the sheriff's office. Like, she just wanted to be a rebel so bad. Right. Never got to do it during the visit deputies fingerprinted the centenarian

took her mugshot and briefly locked her in a jail cell all right let me out yeah it's just ridiculous chamberlain called her trip to jail wonderful it was bad it was more interesting than i thought it would be she told the washington post what did she think it was gonna be i want to know what her expectation was It was more interesting than I thought it would be. She told the Washington Post. What did she think it was going to be? I want to know what her expectation was. This is great. I love like when people, you know, like just grant and like just make something happen.

Who the fuck cares? Yeah. The world is goofy. Life is fucking crazy. This 104 year old wants to go to prison. Let's do it. But I just, I mean, of course I have to imagine if they just took it too far. they showed up she goes i'm here for it and they're like okay they throw her on the ground you now spread your cheeks throw in the ground like they're pummeling the back with nightsticks and just fucking nights nightstick to the back of the kneecap and they

start thumbing her ass they're dropping soap yeah looking for heroin what do you got in here old lady she goes this isn't i didn't i didn't i didn't sign up is this what you wanted you wanted dropping soap. Yeah, looking for heroin. What do you got in here, old lady? She goes, this isn't... I didn't sign up for this. Is this what you wanted? You wanted prison, bitch! No one signs up for jail, bitch! Funk! Just fucking hit her.

Have fun tonight! She's like, oh dear. Oh dear. They put her in a cell with just a slammer. You fucking throw her in with some like crazy. Lunatic. Lunatic.

Just like, have you heard about the latest gospel? Oh dear. I'm sure I have. No, it's called the Joan gospel. Where I fist your ass. When they're outside, be like, happy birthday. Come pull out your cake. I can't't i'm a puppet oh my god blow the candles out there a balloon in my butt that's my old fist you're loose by the way you need a new diaper because i'm eating this shit oh my god and there's like to you happy birthday dear

centenarian uh i can on kite or kite the 13 her name is loretta um marietta have you heard of my yeah dude fucking sick sick man, Zach. There it is. Happy birthday. Blow them out! And he's fucking, she blows out the candle, they throw it against the cage. He's like, lick it up, bitch! She's just like, oh dear. Oh dear.

No, it was wonderful. You wanted the full experience? You got it! You got it! Go to fucking isolation. Go to the pit, bitch. And just drag her down there and throw her in the dark for 24 hours. Happy birthday.

Maybe they did. You see her eyes. Man, she looked tired. But I love the idea that they just like, she was like, I don't know, behind bars and they figured it out. Yeah. So good job. Of course, we couldn't just let that be happy. A nice little story, I don't know, behind bars and they figured it out. Yeah, so good job. Of course, we couldn't just let that

be a nice little story. I found something on the internet I'll tell you about. Yeah. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience

something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what Let's check it out. Together. As a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome!

Dude, if that song came on in the club, just... You're just like, fuck, dude. Look what I found. Look what I found. And grab your dick. Yeah. Look what I found. dude. Look what I found. Look what I found. And grab your dick. Yeah. Look what I found. Hey, look what I found.

Hey, look what I found, Joe. I found your penis, Joe. I found your penis inside my sundress, Joe. You can find a lot of crazy shit on Etsy. Yeah, you can. And I was just fucking around this week doing exactly that. Being like, what's going on? What do we got? I think I might have found myself on Etsy when I was looking up around this week doing exactly that being like what's what's going on what do we got I think I might have found myself on Etsy when I was looking up funny BDSM things

for our our opening question today and I was like there's gonna be some wild stuff out here uh and this is a thing that exists that seems illegal seems like like there should be laws against this, but then also maybe not. So, you can reach out to a witch on Etsy to have her cast sexy spells.

Mmm. And, I mean, they're not cheap. Of course not. But you can have a witch that this, the particular one, there are multiple of them. This is called Ellie. The witch is the,

the shop name on Etsy. And just look at this lineup. So we got sissy, cuck, become alpha, make her your toy. Hot wife, spell,

cuckold contract, make him your cuckold, sexual attraction, 30 day booster spell casting. Sounds like a pack of cards. Like the first one didn't work. If you give me $145 more, I will boost your make her your toy spell. Oh, it didn't work. Let me muster up a little more. Give me $145 and I will boost her up Obsession Magic Spell. Penis Growth

Magic Spell. That one... That should be the first one, shouldn't it? Shit. Make him crazy for you. Yeah. For $337.50 normally for what is that? I can't read50, normally $482.14. Must be Black Friday.

I mean, these prices are really funny to me. If you look like that, I'm sorry, you don't need a spell. Yeah, he's crazy for you. Crazy for you. Okay, you're all set I'm surprised that the penis growth magic spell is also 30% off and buried in there should be number one Uh-huh sex drive 30 days booster spell casting self love physical strength For 69 dollars for mail

Like that one is discounted. Yeah, that's... I guess not people... She's like, I can't compete with gyms. Which one are you guys buying? I don't know. The weight loss magic spell. Whoa, look at the stubborn target love spell.

Yeah. Can we get a zoom in on that? Divine beauty spell, sugar daddy magic spell. Make them want you back no sex no money revenge spell do you remember uh remember the craft the movie the craft i did not yeah yeah been a while when she uh puts the spell on that um on ben siller's wife makes her hair fall out yeah melody from hey dude zach you're kind of in a little bit of a like a like a i mean i would say witchy he gets him for free at home oh yeah no wonder he's fucking

sucking dick i suck a lot of dick because of that spell because of the cuck spell it's too much newt eye fucking come on in her thigh spell she eyeballed the newt eye when she was making the fucking shit but like what do you think about this uh is this world this powerful that if i were to pay ellie the witch who lives in whoever the where the fuck she lives germany and i guess like dude i want the fucking become alpha spell for 337 she would do it and i would just be like alpha i think the placebo part of your brain would be like that worked i'm alpha now you stop taking your tea and she's like i did it she's like i fucking performed at your alpha now and you're like fuck yeah i am and you're 380 richer now gosh this is like it's just crazy this exists does it show how many that have been sold 180 sales five stars sheesh five stars that means

somebody's saying oh it worked for me like i can start this fuck now like i can just come up with a fake shop put all this same shit on there do nothing and then just email them be like i did it yeah i did it your husband's a sissy bitch you should be feeling it any minute you should feel your huge dick bulging any moment i feel like if witchcraft worked real well as far as the magic part of it yeah a lot of politicians would be really sick all the time because they spend a lot of time doing that don't they yeah so yeah but i also know your wife has pulled off some crazy stuff yeah she has some awesome things but her knowledge is more like uh you know roots and plants and shit i can't talk i know plants

and shit so she's with that stuff yeah i don't think she's trying to put boner magic on but you never know my dick isn't even people in different countries i'm just they're getting the boner thing like no come on i'm just texting your wife that my dick didn't get any bigger she like what'd you get the spell booster pack i like that it's 30 days so you can pay monthly yeah i know i know the 30 days officially starts tomorrow, but it's day 29, and I got the same pathetic cough. She goes, why do we have to boost it? You should be feeling it get bigger any minute. If you give me $137.17 more, you're going to have a hog.

You promise? You betcha. Lifetime guarantee. All right, let's hear it from the kids. Zach, play it! Say no good! Lifetime guarantee. All right, let's hear from the kids. Zach, play it! All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me?

Wow, that's cool. All right. Our first email is coming in from our son, Bart. Bart! Who writes, don't eat my shorts. Hey, Pops. Listening to the podcast, you just got to the part about the LG

stove that got recalled. I just had to pause and write this email. I purchased that stove when we bought our new house, had it for one day, and every time we even got close to it, the knob would get bumped and turn on. needless to say we called them

and had him come pick it up and bought a different brand all together dodged a bullet on that one but i'm uh but i'm missing out on the sweet sticker thanks for the entertainment bart see what you're doing is you're using you're using it wrong right yeah so. So it fits in line with our projection that they designed some cool feature that ended up not fucking being cool. Not cool. And instead of just getting them the fuck out of there and getting everyone their money back and taking a loss, they sent out a sticker blaming everyone else for why their houses are on fire. I just love your personal connection. And Bart was like, like yep that was it our second email

is coming in from butcher bobby who we haven't heard from in a while yeah yeah says sup my favorite three fuckers on the planet i just want to write in to give you guys an update since i haven't written in in a little bit had a bad run-in of things to end 2024 and to start 2025. I don't like to hear this. First off, I went to jail twice. Whoa. In a week. Oh. Whoa.

And one was to celebrate a birthday. He said, that's not even the worst part. It was all over bullshit charges that the cops made up. I know everyone says that, but my lawyer even said so. And then on January 30th, my wife of 19 years passed away at 38 years of age. Sorry, that's not fun.

Still waiting on the autopsy to find out exactly why someone so young would die. So suddenly shouldn't have cancer. That's for sure. I probably won't be able to write in for a bit as I have to do some type of inpatient rehab facility or I'm going to prison. I'm a single father now of two young boys and i'm trying to look forward to their future and do my best to give them what they need the reason i wrote y'all this sad sack of an email was that said on episode 134 i think came out on january 15th about petty shit her parents haven't seen her

i read that right about petty shit her parents haven't seen her I read that right About petty shit her parents haven't seen her In almost 15 years It was all over some petty shit Just let the petty go and forgive and forget Okay So he's going through some stuff Holding on to some things And realizing maybe he's gotta let some shit go

Keep on keeping on y'all And I'll catch up with you guys on the other side of this bullshit I'm going through Thanks Butcher Bobby Really is the thing Keep on keeping on, y'all. And I'll catch up with you guys on the other side of this bullshit I'm going through. Thanks. Butcher Bobby. Really is the thing. We were talking about how you power through things earlier. It's kind of one of those things with the holding grudges. It's like you could stay angry and bitter.

And maybe you're right. You're angry and bitter for it's valid. Valid reasons. For valid reasons. But is it worth it for your health and mental stability to keep that? Or just say, fuck it. I got two kids. I'm worried about.

Yeah. Cause guess what? The bullshit's never going to stop. Yeah. So you can either just dwell on it and be like, yeah, bullshit. Or you can be like,

just let it go. Just be, just try and be happy. So none of this stuff gets tied up in the past. Uh, be a, be a good role model for those two young boys. I know.

Butcher Bobby. I don't know what it is, what the charges are. Uh, hope you get taken care of and we'll hear from you soon. As long as you didn't like murder, molest people. Yeah.

He's like some bullshit charges. Like I could run a sex trafficking ring for toddlers. Like I could do that. Like I could do that. I don't even have a computer If he was doing that I don't even know how to work an extra hard drive Don't write it Just forget it But I don't think it was that

Sorry for your loss While we're thinking about you Bobby Alright let's wrap the show up We gotta get after the bonus stuff And then I gotta go to Seattle I got pepper tickets to see the Deftones We'll hear from you soon. All right, let's wrap the show up. We gotta get after the bonus stuff. And then I gotta go to Seattle. Oh, yeah. I got Pepper tickets to see the Deftones.

Yeah. Deftones, Mars Volta, and some other band. So we're going to that. She's so fucking pumped. That's awesome. Like, I mean, it's so true about kids. Like, it lets you, like... It's so true. Like that,

like watching her go to like this first round, she's been to concerts plenty, like not a crazy amount, but watching her excitement over it, like re-engage, just makes you so happy. Especially to a band. I remember being like,

it was around eighth grade, like really starting to go to concerts again, like she's in, or starting to go to concerts and being like, what? And that inspired my entire life until recently of nothing but music and loving music. And she loves music. She plays all the ton of instruments and writes music and loves going to shows.

So it's really just like a revamp. It's really cool. She's like a younger girl you. Yeah. Just as weird. Good luck. Good luck, dude. We got a rocky road ahead of you. We got a rocky road. Hope you love podcasting. Yeah. Just as weird. Good luck. Yeah. Good luck, dude.

We got a rocky road ahead of you. We got a rocky road. Hope you love podcasting. You like ice cream, though, with your rocky road. Sign up. Get the bonus content. Become a part of the gaggle. Patreon.com slash Canyon on Podcast. Of course, you got the socials, the YouTube version of the show.

Send in stuff to heyguys at Canyononpodcast.com. Rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. It does help us out we will not put a bounty on your head and come and kill you promise you come back here take picture take picture eat ramen it's good for you thanks to Uncle Zach producing today's show

and then check out what he does at scatcast.com we're full and thanks to the babysitters that moderate the Candy Dome Playground on Facebook let's wrap it up Zach good god wrap it up already huh and before we go i just want to take a second to give a shout out to the person who invented zero thanks for nothing not we know we they have a song called zero don't they sure they do. They have a t-shirt.

Is it Zero on it? Yeah. That's what I wrote. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down.

Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down.

Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down.

Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, down, down. Down, down, down, down, the bonus level. Bye!