Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | NSA. Creepy Santa. Toilet. Pube Beard.

Episode Date: December 21, 2022

Have you ever stopped and truly thought about how creepy the concept of Santa really is?! It's insane. Let's talk about that, getting pubes stuck to your face, a toilet that either hates or loves you pooping in it, pumping 69 babies out of your vagina, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/tTxm6Pece8MSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

NSA creepy Santa toilet pube beard Feliz Navidad! Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad Merry Christmas everybody If that's what you celebrate If you don't then Happy Hanukkah Yeah Whatever you

Just have a good time Happy Christmas Hanukwanza That's what it is? I get them all Christmas Hanukwanza That reminds me of my I mean I've talked about it before

I feel like I say that a ton But I want to start A fast food restaurant called Arbendi's McTaco Box. So it has all of them in one compact. But you don't like Arby's. I wouldn't go to Arby's, but Arbendi's is just fun to put Arby's and Wendy's together. So Arbendi's McTaco Box, that's my...

If I sound like I'm sick, it's because I am. Yeah. Please don't cough on me. I have things to do this weekend. I didn't. I didn't. I'm all the way Please don't cough on me I have things to do this weekend I didn't I'm all the way over here You know what I have to do Really soon

When this comes out I'll be a couple days away From going to the Alamo Bowl In Texas What To go watch the Huskies play That's going to be fun I didn't know you were doing that

Yeah When did you pick up When did you put that into the plans Soon as They decided which bowl game That's awesome That's awesome I was hoping it was going to be

The Rose Bowl Yeah but then USC lost. Right. Fucking assholes. So now we have to go to Texas. Play harder. Yeah. And then we are also going to do confessions next week. So if you have something you want to get off your chest heading into 2023, it will be the

final can you don't of 2023. I bet you want to get less cum on your chest or more cum off your chest. Less cum on your chest or more cum off your chest? I want a long ponytail. I want a longer ponytail and more cum on my chest. Okay. Like that's the combo I think I want going into 2023. Okay.

The longer ponytail offsets. Yeah, sure. The more cum sure The more cum The more cum People won't notice as much Well because if The longer your ponytail gets The more you'll lean back

Yeah So you gotta have Seamline on your chest Yeah the longer You just wrap it around your shoulders And use it as a mop Sign up for Patreon Yeah baby

Sorry This picture of Tony Lotto With cum on his chest But again Send in the confessions It's going to be a lot of fun And the email for that is heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com Thanks for signing up

Supporting us on Patreon It's the number one way you can do that You'll find a link in the episode description Or you can just go to canyoudontpodcast.com Additional content on the end of today's show For everybody that is supporting us on Patreon That's fun We're over 200 now On to 300 additional content on the end of today's show for everybody that is supporting us on Patreon. That's fun.

We're over 200 now. 200! On to 300. Then we'll hit the end of the month and 400 people will somehow disappear and then it'll all come back again. Yeah. I don't know why. Well, because we need to set a goal for 300.

I know. Last week you said you're going to kill me. That frightened me. I've been awake since last recording. Yeah. So you don't want to hit 300. No, I want to stay alive. The Switchblade saga continues.

We have a really fun story for you. Oh, yeah. Or a fun show for you guys today. But we do have some stuff off the top that we're going to get into. A quick update on me and my Switchblade. Brian and I went to Monster Jam. Kid seat still 25 bucks. We'll sell you the whole seat, but you'll only need the edge.

Was it on a Sunday? Was it a Sunday? No. It was a Saturday. Saturday, one o'clock. Nearly as fun to say. Saturday, Saturday, Saturday. Saturday, Saturday, Saturday. I took Ezzy to meet up with Brian and the fam.

Go watch some big trucks do big jumps. And we got all the way up. Real quick. Yeah. It's so funny how little he cared about the fam. Go watch some big trucks do big jumps. And we got all the way up. Real quick. Yeah. It's so funny how little he cared about the trucks and how much he liked the lights. Oh, yeah. The lights and just the scores. The scoreboards.

No worries on the scoreboard. Yeah. He didn't give a shit. There was an actual truck jumping 20 feet in the air. And he was like, whoa. No, it's cool. He's like, those lights over there. Right.

See how the red one's red and that one's green they're not the same color right now anyway that's his brain so we got all the way up to the the uh metal detectors and there's some cops standing there as we get closer and closer as you do with metal detectors you have to get the shit out of your pockets and hand it to go around the side so you can go through and we're just a couple people back and i reached down i'm like god damn it and it's not even like the shitty part it's not just like they're gonna take my knife away it's like i could get in fucking trouble for having a switchblade you're already on a list i know somewhere yeah i found that letter again not too long ago security you're on a list for a knife, and now you have a bigger one. I just upgraded it. Yeah, you're like, not only do I

not give a fuck, I bought a bigger one. And then brought it back into the same state on accident. It just sits in my pocket. It's like I'm doing it on purpose. But the parking garage we've parked in, I was like, there's no way I'm fucking walking all the way back there. So I just tell Ezzy, I'm like, hey, Ez, we gotta go back to the car. And he's like,

what? I was like, why? I was like, shh. I just did. So I just tell Ezzie, I'm like, hey, Ez, we got to go back to the car. And he's like, what? I was like, why? I was like, shh, I just did. So I turned his head. Oh, do you have your switchblade on you? And it's something he 100% would have said. But he actually did ask that when we started walking away. He's like, do you have your knife on you?

And I was like, yes. And so I didn't go all the way back to the car. I just went around the corner so that the cops couldn't see me. And I threw my knife under a bush and covered it in snow. And I never, I forgot to ask you, I'm assuming it was still there. You know what I just realized? How cool these look? We're wearing fingerless

gloves, the leather ones, with Oh, yours broke? With switchblades. That is really cool. So this ties the whole, I think we should take, this ties the room together. Yeah, it really does. i think we should take more pics after the show with our switch but why didn't we do this last time i don't know because we're dumb we have leather fingerless gloves switch blades switch blades and we didn't

use the switch blades oh we're dumb but i did get it back so it was sitting under the bush that would have been super weird if i went back and it's fucking gone i'm like god damn it like just that's a spot someone always checks they're like who has to hide their shit here there's a playboy like a 1997 playboy playboy some drugs blades yeah a pair of fingerless gloves gloves with uh spikes on them yeah like yeah yeah should have got the spikes i know we'll upgrade um so before we get into the show we're gonna read an email here but before that i'm gonna read a a little piece i posted this on my socials i'm not sure like a couple weeks ago maybe now but uh so my dad passed away that was what yeah i don't know bb i just found out no it was uh we were going through his computer and all of his stuff and we found something that he had

written on his computer and what he was doing was coming up or he was basically going through his computer and all of his stuff, and we found something that he had written on his computer. And what he was doing was coming up, or he was basically working through his brain why he wanted to call his new bread company, his new bread project. He wanted to call it Rise. It was R-I-S-E, exclamation point. And as we were reading through it, it's just such a great representation of who my dad was in a very short you know writing here but it's also uh very inspiring even if it's just you have no tie to my dad whatsoever so i'm just gonna read it yeah i'm not gonna get anywhere near reading this but yeah uh but it says here so it just says rise says i was thinking about a name to call the bread baking and bread oven building project when

rise came to me it seemed like the perfect thing. In my mind, I like the way it looks spelled out above the bread oven door, and I like the way it sounded. It's what the bread does. Throughout the entire process, the bread rises. In the bulk,

on the bench, and in the final proof, the bread rises. And the leaven also rises. This says in quotes, Hemingway missed that one. He's calling out Hemingway. Come on.

Rise is what we do in the morning. It's how we deal with challenges and difficulties it's how people make their voices and concerns heard in the face of political and social oppression don't oppress people in the first place occurred to me for a possible name but that's just way too long we rise up can you pass me the don't oppress people in the first place uh nine grain yeah oh man whole I know. Okay, so we rise up to fix our posture. That's important. We use it metaphorically to keep from getting bogged down when things that are unpleasant, undesirable, or unwanted.

We also rise to show respect. It's a great word that has a lot of great meanings, and it has an overall positive aspect. So it is perfect for this project. And more than that, we can put it into action. So let's do it. Let's rise. Let's rise to the challenges of the day with joyful enthusiasm, generosity, and compassion. Let's rise above politicals and pundits translating current events into the news of the day,

whose ability to articulate ideas have long outpaced their ability to think them. Let's rise above the wildly accepted Iron Age explanations of the universe and our place in it. Let's rise above our habitual, out-of-date ways of thinking about ourselves in the world that are no longer effective or even relevant the difference that we make here could be the essential thing the world is missing and indeed in need of it's just a pretty i do love how it goes like this is bread and all of a sudden it's like a giant awesome speech yeah it's just a quick that's like abraham lincoln just like started coming through channeled channeled some like revolutionary shit but this is why like people like that shouldn't die early that actually have a vision like that right it's just

not fair i know but uh instead of just keeping that within the family i wanted to throw it on the podcast great it's fantastic and we're doing we're gonna do a gigantic 180 now do you want to read we're gonna rise to the occasion right here this is one of the fucks sorry excuse me one of the funniest emails i think we've gotten in a while yes i'm excited to read it yeah go ahead or try at least this is uh from our uh daughter lindsey hi lindsay lind. She's an S-A-Y. Lindsay. Type of gal.

Hey, daddies. Hey. About 10 years ago, when my fiancé... Jesus Christ, already. Killing it. 10 years ago, when my fiancé and I were at an arcade, I got pop rocks with my whinnies. Awesome. Later on that night, I thought it would be kinky to use pop rocks as i

was going down on him yeah i mean i get it i can kind of feel it i think yeah i mean it's it's just an excuse to get a bj first of all but yeah yeah sure try it yeah whatever you think whatever you need i bet you that'd be fun yeah it'd be tons of fun tons of fun let's do it i'll go get more of course he loved it and as as expected, things got sticky. Hee hee. But anyways, all this went down with the light off. Afterwards, my fiance goes to the bathroom to get us towels

and wash clothes to clean ourselves up. He comes back and turns the lights on and starts laughing his ass off. I just looked at him confused and he said, go look at your face. That's never what you want to see. I'm laughing at your face said Go look at your face That's never what you want to see I'm laughing at your face Go look at your face

We just got done plowing Go look at your face I go to the bathroom to look in the mirror And had a fucking mustache and beard Made out of pubes In all caps The pop rocks caused my mouth, face And his whole dick and balls to be covered

in sticky pop rocks saliva and my and my uh my fiance wasn't exactly clean cut all i could do was laugh my ass off and make impressions so funny yeah if you're gonna do it who's this one what this one yeah yeah what about this one grizzly adams or like go back to the lincoln oh yeah what's this one four scores that's called the gorilla mask isn't it i don't know never i've never been in this situation uh best kinkiest embarrassing sex i've ever had keep up the awesome work guys your uh your daughter lindsey oh man so funny so good i mean it immediately reminds me of the jackass skit where they talked, what's his face in the dressing up?

Oh, right. And they shaved all their pubes and they just had the makeup artist put up their pubes all over their face. Yeah, he thought it was just a fake beard. Yeah, it was a fake beard and it was all their pubes. They did that in Sunny. It's called a gorilla mask. Oh, it is?

He shaves his pubes and super glues them to his face man that's a smart move i don't remember that episode season four no not too bad but the fact that she turns it immediately into a presentation yeah like she's like oh well what are you gonna do now she's a good sport impressions yeah don't ruin the vibe exactly what would you like instead of like getting all embarrassed and running away you might as well turn into a into a show he's just into a matinee yeah i see he's sitting on the bed just watching she's just up there like what's the deal what's the deal he's doing like weird shit oh man anyway man. Anyway, that was so funny. Well done, Lindsay. That was hilarious.

And then I don't think, I mean, I kind of wish there was a picture of it. Well, I emailed her. Oh, you did? I said, hey, you didn't happen to take a picture, did you? And I don't remember seeing a response. Oh, I think we did get, actually, I'm putting this all together now.

She did reply and said she does not have a picture of it. But I didn't know. I remember reading it, but I guess deleted the email to keep it all clear in there. Well, if she can dig up a pic, I'd love to see it. Or just recreate it. Yeah, recreate it and send us a new pic. We'll send you the Pop Rocks. Actually, we'll Venmo you money, tickets.

Go back to the arcade, get your Pop Rocks, and then take a picture. We'll take it from there. That sound good? Yeah. All right, awesome. All right, you ready to get into the show? I am. All right, let's do it.

I feel like a rose and some... Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. I'm going to have to pause at some point and get some water. I'm almost going to die. And I sound pretty good. Maybe I don't sound as bad as I... I don't.

In my head, it's just like I'm so loud to die. And I sound pretty good. Maybe I don't sound as bad as I don't. In my head, it's just like I'm so loud and nasally. You ever notice when you get sick or early in the morning how deep your voice can get? Oh, yeah. Real deep. You can do impressions. You start sending out. Like you have pubes on your face, you can be like, oh, dude, it's real dark.

Send out some voiceover, like whatever, like some samples, try to get some voiceover work. But only in the morning. As soon as you get warmed up, you go back to sound like a dipshit yep i've seen this would you rather bounce around in multiple places on the internet um and then multiple people have sent it into the show but here we go if your toilet was alive and could talk would you rather it be passionately into you every time you took a poop or resent you for it so would it like it or would it hate you for it and why is that so funny i immediately talk to you yeah so like it's alive more more give me more give me more feed me fudge daddy you see more yeah i definitely immediately pictured the uh the cast from brave little toaster i don't know why that's like the

kind of style i picture this toilet i don't know what that is you never seen the brave little toaster what is that a cartoon yeah nope with the vacuum you know it's a it's classic man i'm not yeah okay we'll watch it together sometime i gotta google there's no way you haven't seen it brave little toaster yeah when did it come out action adventure way back in the day in the 80s maybe early 90s 1987 yeah that would have been right in your wheelhouse too because you're a little older than me i would have been four that doesn't that does not ring a bell man it's just one of those things that just didn't hit your radar i was watching he-Man and Ninja Turtles and stuff.

Not some sentient toaster? All right, well, maybe compared to He-Man, not nearly as exciting. Bummer, dude. Yeah, watch it. Bring it up with your kids. I remember there being some scary parts in it, though. I don't know, toaster adventures. Some dark.

I haven't seen it in a long, long time. But anyway, that's the style I see this toilet. Okay. But also, not that. It doesn't have to be cartoonish it could be one of those new have you had the pleasure of using one of like the new toilets that are out there today no but i have a a bidet no but i'm not gonna brag but i've got a bidet i like the one of the toilets that like it's always warmed up for you when you walk in

it's skating motion sensor picks the seats up and then you have your own settings on the side and that's amazing the water is warm that the bidet water is like warm not cold when it hits your butthole i don't know after a night of jalapeno something i like that cold water yeah cool things down a little bit yeah yeah i Yeah. I got to say, if I've ever, it's usually because when you go sit down on a toilet and if it's warm, that means somebody else was just sitting on it. I know. And I don't really like that feeling. I mean, I get car warmers in a car when it's cold, but I don't know if I want my toilet seat warm. I think you'd change your mind if you knew it was warming.

Because if it's not a warmer and it's warm, that's a butt cheek. Yeah. But if it's actually warm when you sit on it, you're like, oh, it's not a butt cheek. Yeah. I mean, you'd learn to love it, I guess. You'd learn to love it. Exactly. Like our bidet, the Tushy.

Mm-hmm. Game changer. I don't think anybody else uses it, but if people were coming over to the house and you like when you've pooped in there, do you use it? I didn't use your bidet. Okay. I'm not used to them. Do you want me to use it?

No. Oh. That's what I was getting at. It's mine. It it's mine i don't want anybody else rinsing their asshole with the bidet selfish yeah fucking selfish with that call me yeah call me selfish call me old-fashioned but i don't like other people having clean butts using my bidet come on you can have a clean butt just don't don't use my bidet right exactly because then i'm gonna have a bad day byo bidet exactly come over to your house like no bring your own bidet when i was camping last year i did i tell you the story already i don't know go that because you know i hate pooping in places so i brought like a little tent personalized tent and my own toilet and then i brought like a water bottle that you squeeze and i brought that as like a personal bidet and i set it by the toilet so then i would just squirt

my asshole and my own roll of toilet paper i had wipes oh man manual bidet i love that the manual bidet that sounds like an actor sounds like a baseball player yeah manuel bidet well abner doubleday manuel yeah what would his walk-up song be i don't know um but i do love the idea of going to your house we'll get back to the question in a second where you are so aggressive about this bidet thing and i i'm like i have to really really go like if i don't sit down and let this thing go i'm gonna shit my pants and you're watching me like change it out like i'm like trying to hook up my own fucking bidet god damn it god fuck i'm just like well if you have like a if you have a diarrhea like where it's a splatter and if you're like rushing in there to sit down sometimes it splatters on the back i don't want you splattering

on my bidet you don't know because then i'm squirting my own ass and it's just your shit is your manual bidet to clean off the real bidet. That's true. Have a manual bidet to clean your other bidet. Auto bidet. Auto bidet. All right. So back to this.

Autobiography. That's going to be in my autobiography. Autobiography. Autobiography. Whoa, dude. That's what I should call my autobiography. That's what you call it? Yeah.

It's just... Oh, it's like a memoirs of just all your experiences of poop experiences. It's going to be a great read. Great book. Would you want it to be passionate and cheer you on? In my picture, the passionate part is like sexy. And like, but like. Yeah, you got it.

You can do it. Oh, I get one more. You got more in you, don't you? Yeah. Give it to me, daddy. Weird shit like that. Like it's making noises you're shitting into it's going more more all right you just like open the door and the toilet goes

like god damn that is uncomfortable that is uncomfortable because that's not a sexual thing it's not but to your toilet it is now. Because I could never, like pooping and jerking off are just separate acts. Like I don't know if there's people that can just like take a dump and then just turn right around and rub one out. Yeah, I mean the playground's next to the sewer, but they do completely different things. Yeah. But like you got to give a gap, right? Yeah, I think so. I don't know. I'm sure you could do at once well no you could i'm just saying i i can't i don't know if i could get myself there

yeah and now because you're smelling it oh yeah i know i'm not yeah i'm not jerking off and pooping at the same time but i'm sure there are people are um is passionate uh-oh what well i was just thinking the your um oh no what's the thing in the guy's butt the prostate yeah your prostate's right there so if you gotta shit like shitting out a big load pushing it's pressed on the prostate that could be something i've had that happen that was confusing getting a boner while you're pooping you're like whoops i've had that happen oh from giant poops hitting my prostate but then you just let it be let it be i think i did in this instance i was like this is weird i but all passionate also doesn't have to be sexy passionate could

also be you got it man you got it one two three four i declare a bigger look at the size of that thing wow you're such a big boy brian big boy brian big boy it was like it's like a cheerleader it's like legs geo let's go let's go let's go with leather gloves on i know it doesn't give the same pop it's not supposed to i mean when you're it's true when you're breaking people's noses you gotta have a little padding on the pump um and then the other side is resent you and i'm a i'm a like a nice more of a caring guy I don't like to fight I have fought

I don't like it I'll avoid it at all costs but if I'm opening the door and the door is like god fuck you again? and the whole time you're sitting there just like hurry up just cut it off pinch it off already

and it's so mean to you like it's just degrading you like who's last time you cleaned your asshole fucking smells like shit sitting there just trying to poop and it's screaming at you that's sad well after a while you might just want to be like you know it's the only thing you have control over in your life you you're giving it to them like you know fuck you toilet it's talking trash but i'm staying up for myself yeah i'm sitting down for myself sitting down for myself you you're you're here to take my shit and you're going to toilet and it's just so mean to you it's like i don't take shit from anybody you take shit from me you son of a bitch that's your job what if its mouth is like that it's like i'll take you like just that your ass cheeks cover it up like

that's where it's talking I was gonna say you lift cheek to fart it's like It's like when you Be duck take someone's mouth like okay. Don't scream. I take this I take this off you better. take this off, you better... Yeah, you got to keep quiet. When I stand up, you better shut the fuck up, toilet. Put the passionate side...

Dude, slow down on the toilet paper. He's just giving you shit. Because I use a lot of toilet paper. Oh my God, how long are you going to avoid your family? Like just saying shit like that. If you don't get off the toilet, you're going to get some hemorrhoids. I'm calling the cops. Calling the cops.

The hemorrhoid police? I think I'm calling the cops. The hemorrhoid police? I think I'm going to pick the passionate hemorrhoid police. That's a Comedy Central show right there. I don't know what they do or how they do it, but I'd watch it. Boom, now, pow! Hemorrhoid police. It's like Dog the Bounty Hunter, but like a... Dog the Hemorrhoid Hunter?

Bend over. Look at here. Look at here. I see it. He's just like... He's going around ripping down people's... Pulling down people's pants. And be like, hey, spread them.

Spread them. He goes right there. Right there. You see it? Take them away, officer. Take them away, officer. Hemorrhoids all over the place. Again, dog.

It's not illegal. It is definitely not illegal to have hemorrhoids. Yeah, but it's definitely disgusting. Take them away. I love it. Take them away. Get them out of here. Get them out of my face.

Wanted dead or alive. Wanted dead or alive. Hemorrhoid hunter. That's funny. You ever had hemorrhoids? Have we talked about this? I feel like we've talked about this. I have so much deja vu lately. I don't know if it's just because of brain fog or whatever. But have we talked about hemorrhoids? Have we talked about this? I feel like we've talked about this. Why? I have so much deja vu lately.

I don't know if it's just because of brain fog or whatever. But have we talked about hemorrhoids? Have you had them? I've had them. I don't think I have. Get them rubber banded in my asshole. My wife got them when she was pregnant. And I remember her going in there.

In her butthole? No, they're like on the outside. And they had to slice it with a uh basically exacto knife yeah to cut her open and i remember you were just watching well i was in the room with her i was kind of like holding her hand while she was doing it oh for birth like during birth no no this was oh you were holding her hand she this was after and so you went in for hemorrhoid removal part fuck that's cool just because i'm a dedicated husband. Sure. We're into some weird shit.

No, I... I've waited my whole life to watch a hemorrhoid get cut up with an exacto knife. Just in the corner, rubbing one out. She's over there. She's holding your hand. She just looks over and you're jerking off. You're using her hand to jerk off. Just real quick. Just real quick.

I'm not going to get this opportunity again. When's the next time I'm going to get an opportunity like that? When's the next time I'm going to have the opportunity? Are we going to have one more kid? Maybe. Sure, I can watch you have hemorrhoids, but... It's different. It's heat, we're here.

Why'd you want me here? Of course I'm going to come. Yeah, so you've never had them though? I don't think so. Yeah, they're not fun. It's a super weird feeling. They have to go in there with a rubber band gun in your butth so. Yeah, they're not fun. It's a super weird feeling. You have to go in there with a rubber band gun in your butthole.

What? Yeah. Like the ones that you pull back and shoot across the room. The ones you get from Christmas? The little wooden... Is this necessary? No, but it's fun. You have to bend over. Ring toss.

You think doctor's on the other end of the room? Oh my god, I love that idea. Of the doctor just being like, or he's like across the room. You're like, doctor, is this absolutely necessary? He goes, absolutely not, but it's a lot of fun. He's shooting rubber bands in your butthole. No, the contraption is a little, it's so good.

That's the multi-shot one. Alright, let me know when you shut these rubber bands out. Bye, Joe. No, they disintegrate. Yeah. No.

Biodegradable? I don't know. But it's like a longer gun that has these tight-ass rubber bands on it and they go in there and they put... I bet you have a tight ass, too.

Okay. You betcha. The bear could fit that gun in there. They could barely fit that AK-47 all the way in my asshole. Barely. Barely. It was a tight fit.

But then it shoots the rubber band down this, and then it wraps around the hemorrhoid and cuts it off. And then it just, it falls off and you poop it out. That's how you get hemorrhoids out. What? Yep. Welcome to the real world, baby. So it's just like you got your poop and then like a bloody hemorrhoid in there with it?

Yeah. It's not pleasant. And if anyone out out there has had it done you know what i'm talking about it's a weird ass feeling to have rubber bands in your colon anyway why are we talking about all this uh i want a passionate toilet because i'm just like a you could do it like anything if it's that even if it's sexy that's more than somebody hating me doing it. I just don't have the personality for it. The resentment? The resentment. Just open the door and it's like, fuck.

Sorry, I don't. You want to like, you want to sit down. You want to not enjoy yourself, but you don't want to, you know, like for me, taking a dump's like, ooh, I get to, you know, just go sit down for a minute and just flip around my phone or something and if someone's just going dude and just talking like that's what i'm going the bathroom for is to avoid people talking to me but somebody extra happy is also that's true if he's like he's like ah he's like whatever doing something like like overly excited chants and clapping because you you totally get to clap. No. I mean, I guess, yeah, if it's turned on, that's weird, though.

That is weird. Give me that shit, daddy. Give me that shit, daddy, all over my chest. What? You're like, ugh. Like, it'd be so weird. But I don't know. I guess I'm going that way.

Well, I guess it would, like, depending on the voice. if it's like a sexy woman voice that would kind of suck because then you're doing you're like oh i'm trying not to rub one out here but how do i not it's the voice of a german soldier that's what you get i want your shit in my mouth oh daddy feels so good when your shit's in my mouth Yeah, see that. That one, I'm out. Yeah. I don't know. Whatever, fuck it. Or the other guy, it's like a guy with a leather finger in his glove.

He's like, hey, oh, this fucking guy again. Right. If you get to pick the accent, he's just like, oh, Jesus, this fucking guy. Like Siri, you get to go through and pick how it talks to you. Australian accent. Like a sexy female Australian accent. Okay. He okay like oh i'll go with that asshole maybe i will shit on a chest i didn't know it was gonna be like this i didn't i didn't know this about me but apparently i like it didn't know the the voice changed you convinced me uh yeah passionate let me go passionate you

want to do that too no i'm gonna i'm gonna flip the other way just because it's like well you want to talk some shit you're gonna this yeah every day you win a battle by default because they can't punch you yeah that's the whole thing it's like i feel bigger than this toilet today you know at least i'm not this toilet today right at least i'm not getting shit in my mouth shit in my mouth today like my stupid toilet hey fuck you buddy uh all right let's move on to the fucking guy fucking guy uh the next part you ready yeah okay hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit

what are you thinking about before we move on to what you're thinking about uh we can't stop thinking about dog the hemorrhoid hunter, because that's funny. And then how does he find him? He has a hemorrhoid metal detector. He's walking around the streets. When he suspects it, he runs up and grabs the guy, throws him up, chest first up against the wall. How many you got on you?

What? I don't know. What are you talking about? You know exactly what I'm talking about. He's reaching around the back and squeezing. You see if you can feel anything. Is that a sack of marbles or hemorrhoids? You smuggling marbles, buddy?

No, no, no. I promise. I don't even like marbles. Unless hemorrhoids. Oh, man. Too much. Too much. I'm sorry. It's okay. You got me sick already. No way. There's no way. There think you got me sick already. No way. There's no way. There's no way.

We haven't even fucked. Okay, so what are we thinking about this week? Oh. Okay. I'm getting sick. We're thinking about this. We're thinking about Santa Claus because it's Christmas time. Yay, Santa.

And how creepy Santa Claus, the whole idea of Santa, how creepy it really is. It really is creepy. There's a lot of different variations, or not variations, variations of his creepiness, no, just the different things that he, that are just commonplace, that are weird as fuck. That are so weird.

When you actually break down the songs, you break down what what like you just let this guy in your house well he lets himself in right you don't mind you don't mind yeah one night out of the year if he just shows up in your any other night you're like who's this fucking guy right who's this guy in a fucking red suit even worse eating my food drinking my milk yeah parking reindeer on my house yeah this and you're like that's fine okay it's fine just tonight just tonight though you don't pull this shit tomorrow fucking unbelievable right and then you like just the creepy aspect of like you take your kid to the mall some guy you've never met

and you just you you put your kid on his lap and he whispers into his ear yeah that's crazy don't tell your parents what do you want yeah what are they saying and they're like it's just he's a stranger you tell your whole life do not talk to strangers oh hey go sit on the stranger's lap not only talk to him sit on his lap and give him a card and whisper in his ear write a picture with him give it to a stranger sit on his lap we'll take a picture and we'll post it on the wall i must say and i hadn't thought about this before but we had the same santa for years and years with the kids and it was like having the same doctor like oh okay there is same santa yeah and it was great for pictures because it showed up and then all of a sudden

i don't know if that santa died or something i don't know what happened in jail probably probably in jail because that would be the perfect disguise right a santa claus let's be honest yeah like if you're into that then you're into this and they put them on your lap for you and it's what i dream come true how you know how hard it is to get kids on my lap any other day any other day of the year and they just put kids on my lap any other day? Any other day of the year? And they just put them on my lap today. They force them. Yeah, they force them.

The kids are crying. And the parents are like, no, sit on this man you don't know's lap. Right. And smile. And smile. Take a picture. That's crazy. Your kids cry.

If you were in public place doing anything else and your stranger was touching your kid and your kid was crying you would the place would be called guns would be drawn faces would be crushed yeah but that day you're like forcing your crying kid onto another man's lap that's insane it is odd but i do remember when the that santa did disappear and we had to get a new santa how uh it basically ruined christmas like because pepper was old enough to be like that's not the same dude but for a long time they just kept the it was a magic gift that kept the tradition alive because it was the same santa every single year for both of them so did you tell them that that was the Santa that delivers the presents? Oh, no.

Pepper just figured it out. I mean, we never admitted to it for a year. Like, oh, no. Blah, blah, blah. We just tried to keep the magical. How many lies can I keep telling? What did you just say? So I can't yell today.

Good God. I'm not going to make this freaking Alamo bowl there you are you can go i mean i made it here you can make it to alamo bowl i'll remember the alamo bowl so i'm gonna be coughing up a lung if you get sick just from sitting there um okay so uh what was i fucking saying before i died santa just ruined it so uh pepper had figured it out, but we tried to keep the dream alive just for Ezra for a couple more years. There's a three-year gap between the two. We all know like around, I don't know, 10 years old, they kind of start figuring it out. And that was when Pepper figured it out.

But a big indicator of it was the new Santa. I was like, God damn it. So I hunt that Santa down. He's like, you let down my whole family. never saw him again i wonder where that santa went like i said santa heaven he's he's on some registry somewhere yeah well he's with uh what's his name jared subway subway jared somewhere fogelty whatever it was yeah fogel ogle t oval team oval, drink. Be sure to drink your Ovaltine.

Jeffrey Ovaltine. He's going to be dead? No. Yeah, and you talk about the creepiness like, yeah, the songs about Mommy Kiss and Santa Claus.

Santa comes once a year. That's it. Mrs. Claus needs to get a bunch of built up stress in that sack. That's why he's hanging around kids.

He's just, what? Let's not turn Santa into a pedophile right right now that's what it sounds like though i know it sounds like that but i mean it's just amazing but it's also amazing how many lies you tell yeah just to get through like we why we yeah i've never done elf on the shelf until this year uh that's a pain in the ass i didn't know i didn't even know what it was until a couple years ago yeah and then my mom started doing it and sending pictures to the kids and then the kids were asking why we don't have our own elf on the shelf because now it's the whole thing about yeah that santa sends the elf to watch everyone yeah and then he goes

back on christmas when you get your presents yeah and it's the best time of the year for parents you don't have to sneak around and hide a stupid fucking elf anymore. But it's just weird that that's okay that we just tell our kids that he's just watching us all the time. This is a magic elf. Yeah, it is weird. It's super weird. And I wonder how much they really buy into it or even care at all. Yeah, I think they kind of just...

Like they like the magic of it. But I don't know if they're really like, yeah, this fucking thing's watching me like they change all of their behavior i don't know about you my kids are still shitheads whether the elf is there or not yeah yeah i mean the other day i was like we we were gonna tell oh we're gonna sell sand and he just didn't i'm like he doesn't give a shit our kids are very uh they they're they get on to stuff like they our oldest even he's like you're like oh you know when you try to do some of your kid you try to distract him and and like get him out of their out of their bad mood or whatever like oh buddy what'd you do at school you're trying to change it he sees right through it he's like not doing it yeah we'll talk about that after i'm done

breaking this whole goddamn family down yeah then we'll talk about my school day all right dad yeah okay but it's yeah he the in our youngest he's even ahead of the game there like he's just he's on to us you need dumber kids i know you gotta i don't know dumb them up a little bit in front of the tv more we've been playing video games a lot trying to dumb them down you gotta play dumber games though you guys play minecraft and things that are actually good for brains right um yeah but santa's creepy as shit man it really is i think it's it reminds me of just a lie that just got out of control that's what it reminds me of you started it and they're like every hole you picked you came up with a bigger bullshit thing to cover the

massive plot plot hole and it just turned into a holiday that the whole world a lot of the world celebrates well it is so weird and it's really i mean it's just become a way to sell shit which is smart marketing on the people's but then we have to buy into it because if your kid if their kids are like why didn't santa bring me anything you know it's like well you're not special yeah you're nothing you're nothing to me and you're nothing to santa get used to it you just skipped your house skipped your house because you're nothing to me and you're nothing to santa get used to it you just skipped your house skipped your house because you're fucking useless uh maybe if you would have taken the trash out the santa would have come have you have you uh this reminded me of my i guess my buddy reminded

me of this little trick i've never done it because i could never do this to my kids where you wrap empty presents i've heard of this i couldn't do it either you can throw them into the fireplace when they're bad i'm just not that kind of parent either there's no way or or even just kick them outside or throw them in the trash can yeah like every time they're bad he's throw a fucking present in the fire it's so mean and you know what's funny about the whole thing too about santa and about the threatening uh like you find just as a parent you find yourself doing things you didn't think you were gonna do and you tell lies or whatever like white lies or fibs to get your kids to just fucking fall in line for a little bit so you basically tell these lies and when you think about it how poor of a plan that is to make your kids fear something.

Mm-hmm. Like, I remember growing up and, like, the idea that, oh, you can't cuss or something because you'll, because God's listening. Yeah. And before I started asking questions, it was just like, oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, no. Oh, God.

Yeah. Oh, no. He heard that. He heard that. And then I started, I was like, but how? You know? It's insane. And then you do the

same thing with santa or you're just like okay logistics are just not there okay all right and you said the word and then we'll move on to to dic here but you said the word fib which i love that word so much and i wish it would basically come back but come on man you're such a fibber like i don't know why it's so funny to me. Why'd you fib? Why'd you fib to me? What does fib stand for? It's a lie. I know, but is it short of another word? Fig Newton.

That's a G. I know. Are you a figure? Are you a figure? Well, yikes. Yikes. Fib meaning or origin story. Origin story. Fib origin origin uh fib fable it's a fib okay that's what i was thinking fable uncertain yeah uh a trivial lie he told a fib about eating his spinach well

then how come you're not a faber fabler fabler yeah i just love fib i don't know why it's so funny it can have in In an intense situation, and like, come here, bringing it in like a friend is like, did you fib? What? No, I would never fib. Did you fib?

Are you fibbing? Right now, are you fibbing? Why is that so funny to me? That actually, it's a couple things like that. Dude, they're going to catch you. They're going to think you're a fibber. Like he's on drugs or something.

Yeah. Did you fib? Are you fibbing? Are you fibbing, dude? Are you fib? Right now, are you, they're going to think you're a fibber. Like he's on drugs or something. Yeah. Are you fibbing? Are you fibbing, dude? Are you fibbing, dude? Right now, are you fibbing? I'll back you up. You have to let me know if you're fibbing. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know why. No, I would never fib. If you're fibbing, it's okay. I'm not going to judge you. Just tell me. Just tell me. That's it.

I just want you to be honest with me. Everybody fibs. Everyone's a little fibber. Everyone's a fibber. I don't know why. It kills me. You fibber. All right.

Let's move on to the next section. Okay. Okay. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, everybody. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool?

Then it's dick, dick. Heading into that dick. Ready? Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick. This was sent in by our delightful daughter, Jill, who has been a huge supporter of the content I made over the many years. So thank you, Jill. Appreciate you sending this in.

I don't know why. There's nothing wrong with this. But check this shit out. This is coming off a website for Cat Country 107.1. Playing the biggest hits. Cats. That's another cougar first down. When a 33-year-old woman has been pregnant for nearly 17 years.

Oh, my God. You'd be almost out of the house by now. Dude. Most pregnancies last about 40 weeks. And by that point, many moms-to-be are ready to be finished with being pregnant. However, that wasn't the case for 33-year-old Brittany Church. Brittany gave birth to her first child back in 2014 when she was 16. 20, 2004.

What'd I say? 2014. Oh, 2004. You guys are going to mess the math all up. Yeah, I fucked it all up. She was 16 and just had a kid about a year every single year since then. How? That is so much pregnant.

Oh, okay. Got it. I was thinking there was some weird science thing that she was actually pregnant. That's where I thought this was going. The slowest growing baby ever. That's what I was going to say. The kid would have been out of the house. She would have just had the kid.

It would have been out of the house by now. It comes out kid it would have been out of the house by now it comes out as a 17 year old yeah what i miss uh everything drives oh man we are so far behind in school these are colors no the mom of 12 i think i'm done but her husband chris wouldn't mind having more chris dude not your call this is nick cannon's wife all which one nick cannon has like 14 wives and 500 kids by now but just being pregnant for that long it got me thinking i'll give you the ages here just imagine a household in the mayhem that would go along with this but they have um they couldn't have more britney and chris have a seven-year-old stylist five-year-old christopher three-year-old triplets uh 11 month year old and then a 17 year old 16 year old 14 year old 13 year old 12 year old and a 10 year old her poor vagina from previous relationships so it's like this combo family it's just ah the family photo

looks like a class picture like this looks like it could be a second grade classroom and it's just all their kids what and then it got me thinking uh just about i mean of course i'm talking my tie into all of this was thinking about buying christmas presents for that many kids and then i mean you but i don't know what job you could possibly have that's going to cover or give you enough money for this this shit show whatever uh mccullough or whatever the dad and home loan was doing yeah she's making bank apparently but then i looked up the biggest family ever in history and we have valentino and her husband Fedor are alleged to hold the record for the most children a couple has produced. She gave birth

to a total of 69 children. 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets, 4 sets of quadruplets, between 1725 and 1765. A total of 27 births. Wait, 17 what? Is that 20 years she was pregnant no 1725 to 65

So 40 40 years she was pregnant for 40 years Yep, 40 years 27 births And I mean obviously you chalk it up when you are you you the math gets out of control when you have four sets of quadruplets And she's probably started young yeah if it's that old she's probably like 12 or 13 when she started having them who knows pumping these things out 69 being 50 50 years old and having 69 kids being anything ever and having 69 children that is bigger than small like the small towns that i grew up around in idaho like it's just bigger than an entire town. Yeah.

And it's your whole family. That family reunion. How do you discipline? What? It's just not possible. All your kids are going to... 99% of those kids grew up to be shitheads. I would guess.

Yeah. Because you just have no... I mean, yeah, I guess a lot of people... A lot of kids grow up and turn out fine, even though their parents neglect them and they just have to figure it out on their own. You have to neglect something. Yeah, you have no choice. Like, they're all just taking care of each other.

There's not enough hours in the day to spend an hour with each kid. How big is your house? Well, we got 69 bedrooms, 48 bathrooms. It's a hotel. That's what it's a hotel. You have to live in a hotel and drive a school bus. Live in a La Quinta and drive a school bus. Custom, like, all painted.

Like, Fedor in whatever, Valentina, whatever. Motel 69. Oh, I get it. That's, well, it's insane. My grandma on my dad's side, they had eight kids, and I think they're like 12 years apart. So she was basically pregnant for 12 years. And I used to always think, I couldn't even imagine what that would be like. Just being, you have a kid, and then within a few months, you're pregnant again.

And I always forget the exact number. My mom came from a big family like that, too. Like seven kids or something like that too like seven seven kids or something like that um but after a while they would your kids would just fall out right yeah and like how do you even you're sick you'd be in the middle of grocery shop and just plop yeah like oh another one up on aisle five another one just pick it up throw it in your shopping cart some guy walks over there with a mop every time with this lady he's walking around just pooping babies yeah i don't know he's been there for like he's he's Some guy walks over there with a mop. Every time with this lady. He's walking around just pooping babies.

Yeah, I don't know. He's been there for like, he's cleaned up like nine of her kids. He's delivered nine of her kids at a Walmart. In the last two, three years. How are the kids doing? He delivered the last quadruplets. The quadruplets. Oh, man. But I just can't imagine having a family that big i thought i'd bring that into the show

that's insane dude it's one thing for that woman to be in the 1700s yeah you know but now holy crap yeah that's just so much so much the cost of living i know it's impossible where do they live i don't know but it know. But it's wild. All right, do you want to jump into your dick? Want to show me that thing? I don't want a dick anywhere around this chick. I can tell you that much right now. Ooh, it's like a vacuum?

Sure. Sucks it in. Hungry. Hungry, hungry beaver. Hungry, hungry hippo. Okay. Okay. Oh, just a quick note here it says she spent nearly 90 or 98 months of her life pregnant and she said she spends 200 every month just on milk that's 96 months is

eight years right so much dude yeah around there no man 96 is eight months eight times 12 is 96 hell yeah it is but one of the little in-betweens when you can't immediately get pregnant yeah but just for a whatever i'm gonna dwell on this all right this is from the kansas city star kfc customer shoots worker and drive-thru after they run out of corn missouri cops say. Jesus Christ, you can't do that. So, basically, okay. A KFC worker was shot in the stomach after telling a customer the restaurant was out of corn. Yep. The shooting happened around 6.30 p.m. on Monday, December 12th. A KFC on the west side of St. Louis, police said.

An investigation revealed a man was in the drive-thru at a restaurant when he was informed that they were out of corn. According to the police, the report to the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department, he began making threats toward the employees from the speaker box. You son of a bitch! Let me in! Let me in!

I'm not buying a hair in my chinny-chin-chin! You motherfuckers! Sit outside! Let's see. Then he pulled up to the drive-thru window with a gun, police said. 25-year-old employee went outside to confront the... Why would you do that? To confront the customer.

Minutes later, came back inside and said he was shot. Weird. This guy's got a gun. I'm going to go talk to him. I'm going to go see what's up. Get to the bottom of this. Get to the bottom. Hey, what do you have...

God damn it! He was shot once in the abdomen and was listed in critical stable condition police said customer fled the restaurant after the shooting has not been caught as of tuesday afternoon according to police report man so this i mean i was gonna say the story is crazy but what i find hilarious is that this isn't uncommon for people to just freak out in drive-thrus because the chicken nuggets like there's videos of people throwing shit attacking people climbing through the wind window because they're out of chicken nuggets i've read remember reading a story about

a dude that threw a live alligator through a drive-thru window like what do you with that fuck you later i said no fucking see you later alligator right said no fucking peckles uh yeah i mean i've seen it i've seen it firsthand it is absurd the amount of shit that goes to a drive through it's crazy i just thought i started thinking like is there any food like you is there any food that you love so much that if they didn't have you wouldn't maybe not attack them but be like i can't i can't believe i came here because i've had moments where you're like you go to a restaurant and you're excited for the clam chowder when oh we were at sorry we're out of clam chowder and you're like ah what else you have

oh you are oh you are and you pull out your switchblade i'm sorry start stabbing so it looks like you you're all out of Achilles too. What? Just fucking. Ow! I mean, almost a cool guy line. Like so cool. It almost makes sense.

Oh, sorry. We're fresh out of. Oh, you're fresh out of ligaments. You're fresh out of ligaments. What? I'm not paying for that. I'm not paying for the bill. No, absolutely not. i'm not a big um

food complainer by the way eight times 12 is 96 i don't want to get shit through emails forever that's what i said no he said 98 um i guess i just wrote a little note here yeah you know you can look it up uh well i meant 80 i meant 86 or 96 because eight times two is six i know that so i probably misspoke i meant i just wanted to save you because i know those mistakes we get 5 000 emails on them like you fucking idiots yeah i was like no i just wanted to and you had the luxury of having time to think about you're not saying live no i thought i thought it in real time i just didn't have a place to say it yeah i just let it go for a bit i meant 86 or 90 god damn it 86 this conversation i meant 27

i you know i'm not a big food complainer in general are you are you like no yeah um for whatever reason i feel like we've also hit on this a little bit it would take so much for to be in my food for me to be like god please send this back and i have i actually have done that somewhat recently it was at a restaurant in spokane but they absolutely fucked up the hamburger like it wasn't even close to what i got i ordered like a peanut buttered hamburger at this place uh you didn't put peanut butter there's no peanut butter on it there was no cheese uh there was like one tomato and then that was one tomato in the hamburger and then on on a bun are they used to putting peanut butter on a sandwich yeah they're used to it it's on the menu it's a peanut butter okay so that's that is yeah all of it they just left everything off of it and i was like

i'm not just gonna eat this hamburger because it looks nothing it's not wasn't even close they just hand you like a hot dog as soon and as soon as i yeah here you go it's yeah it's a lunchable it's it's uh it's hot dog with butter i asked for i asked for a cheeseburger with the peanut butter peanut butter you gave me a hot dog with jelly with yeah jelly so close so i mean i get where what you were thinking but the guy dropped it off to me and then when he came back he goes that's not a peanut butter burger is it so he already fucking knew but he still gave it to me I was like no

and he goes yeah I'll bring it back he must have just grabbed it off the rack and was like will you look in there and see if there's peanut butter in that well at least he didn't stick his fingers in it I know I don't know what happened the one that got sent back and came back to me that's always the biggest worry for me is if you make any inconvenience they have free reign to just

fuck up your food yeah i so i have a i have a tough time with this because i'm also not a uh a food complainer i will just eat it or sometimes because my wife will she'll be like no i'm like but so i'll ask her to do it if i don't want to do it, you know? Hey, babe. But so I always have like every situation I get into, there's a fork in the road. I always have two things like on one hand, it's not a big deal. Just eat the fucking thing. I don't want to cause a stir. Then on the other side, we're like, well, I did pay for this. Right.

And I came here because I wanted to eat this. It shouldn't, I shouldn't feel bad for getting what i asked for right so that conflict is always going on i'm like yeah i want that but i don't want to cause a disruption humans inconvenience the chef even though he inconvenience me for making the wrong meal he compounded his own situation by not making it correctly or the guy didn't uh put it in the order right see and that's another thing too is if the food just sucks i don't i usually just pay for it and leave like i ordered a hamburger but the hamburger fucking sucks that's kind of i mean i'm like all right bummer i lost i

lost but if they fuck up the order and don't give you the right stuff i'm definitely a little more lenient on on going back but i'm not stabbing anybody. I'm not shooting anybody. But going back to the article, that guy, there's like, was that a gunshot? I don't know. Pick my head outside. Take a, you know, for sure. I see him right there. He has a gun.

He's pointing at people. I'm going to go see what's up. I just go outside. I'm like, hey, buddy. Fuck. I'm going to pop out real quick and check on this. Pop out real quick. No problem.

Do you want some backup? No, I got it. It's fine. Yeah. Definitely not going to get shot. Definitely not going to get shot. It's totally fine. Oh, man No, I got it. It's fine. Yeah. Definitely not going to get shot. Definitely not going to get shot. It's totally fine. Oh, man.

It's so silly. It's silly. I have to say one more thing about the food thing. I have wanted to attack someone. Whoa. Like, I was that angry with the food. So, my wife can verify this. When we first started dating I love tacos

and if you when you roll up the taco if it breaks and stuff starts falling out I mean I'm not like I mean I she thinks that I was going to physically attack her I get so pissed off because I'm so looking forward to these fucking tacos

and now they're ripping and cracking and all this falling apart and I just want looking for these fucking tacos. And now they're ripping and cracking and all this falling apart. And I just want to eat the fucking taco! Yeah. You would have got a taco salad or a taco bowl. Exactly. If you didn't want to. I wanted it on the fucking tortilla.

I hear you. So sometimes, not often, but sometimes I'll go to a pita pit and get a pita. And, you know, you tear it. And it's already a kind of a battle sometimes but i've had instances where the paper sticks to the tortilla and as you're peeling it it's ripping the tortilla yeah so then that's falling apart and then so it's falling all over the the fucking the bag and then you just finally rip it open and eat it with a fork and the tortilla is all shredded and i defeated it makes me want to harm something you know what i mean like

the fucking anger builds up so bad because i just want to eat this fucking thing i love it like i love it that's the thing but i've punched. I've never been in a fight in my life. I've never had that. But I get there where. You would over a pita. Like, oh. Yeah. I want to just start taking you to these places just so I can hopefully shit goes wrong and I can just watch it all unfold.

Like as I start, I hear the taco crack a little bit. I go, oh, are you going to punch him? Like, no, I'm not a punchy kind of person yeah the taco crack a little bit i go oh you're gonna punch him like no i'm not a punchy kind of person i think cracks a little more i'm like i think he did it on purpose yeah did he think he did i'm like egg and you want yeah of course he did he did he did on purpose yeah he totally did look at that thing it's already pre-cracked when he gave it to you he wants you to fucking drop this thing he's watching he's watching around the corner he's watching i just saw him he peeked around the corner he's laughing he's pointing at least pointing and laughing he's what you're like watching around the corner He's watching I just saw him He peeked around the corner He's laughing He's pointing and laughing

He's what? And you're like All the dishwashers are laughing too I just imagined Eating fucking tacos With fingerless gloves though That's Never thought about food

With fingerless gloves And that's cool Well Yeah I will say If you show up with fingerless gloves And you're like I'll take

And you make it known I'll take that taco It's on the house And that one Yeah Whatever you that taco it's on the house that one yeah whatever you point out it's it's on the house if you order it with fingerless clips my wife probably is wondering who she married when i did when a couple times oh yeah no situations because i'm just not it's not how i am but yeah it's like that and somehow sometimes how people drive yeah i get that one want to harm them. Yeah.

All right, let's move on to Petty B before we run out of time. Yep. Okay, here we go. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty B courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final-ish. This is Petty B.

Okay, sick guy voice is good is Petty Beef. Okay. Sick guy voice is good for Petty Beef reading. Our Petty Beef for this week is coming in from our step-mom daughter, who writes, Hey bonus dads, I need your help settling some beef. A little background,

my husband's son just moved in with us a year and a half ago. What are you laughing at over there? Settling beef just sounds sexual Yeah it does Hey baby you want to settle some beef? It's like tossing a salad Settling beef? I imagine like your shifting it

Come on settle this beef Right now this beef needs some taming I need you to settle this beef Okay That's what shaving is damn it i just got the phlegm out of my throat and i just laughed okay me me me me me okay back in a little background my husband's son just moved in with us a year and a half ago this is bad sorry this is a bad jacket to wear it's the first time

i've spent any time with him at all since he was two he's 17 now and he's a senior year in high school that's like the woman that was pregnant for 17 years it was popped out ready to go i always do laundry on sunday i dedicate the whole day to doing laundry of now five people this shithead would wait until noon one o'clock to bring his laundry down for me to do just woke up probably too this would mean that as i'm finally seeing the end of the laundry he's adding two to three more loads for me to do so i thought it was being fair and clever by requesting that everyone have their laundry downstairs by 10 a.m probably full of his loads too yep again or on the one mean we don't know his technique at that point

we've covered a lot the wall just wiping down his car it could be anywhere at that age they could be in the fucking like ceiling tiles like they just little boys are fucking disgusting or adolescent boys just trying to find a place to it's in it's in the light fixture like that's just where he's decided that's where he's coming to go now uh downstairs by 10 a.m again this shithead would wait until 9 59 a.m to his clothes down. I let that go on for a few months, thinking if I don't let him know this bothers me, eventually he'll stop being an ass. Nope. So finally, I asked him to bring his clothes down on Saturday night before he goes to bed. That way I have everything and I'm able to complete my chores before dinner.

So the first week of this new routine, he brings me dirty laundry Saturday night. Perfect. I win. But then Sunday morning, this fucking six foot tall crotch goblin brings his happy ass downstairs for breakfast at 7.30. WHAT?! All caps. He swears it's just a

coincidence that he just happened to wake up early that day. I'm convinced this kid is trying to get put up for adoption. Is it too late to drop him off at the fire department? What say you? Is this fucker trying to drive me insane? I just keep telling myself there's only five more months until graduation and then we can ship his stuff off ass off to live with his bio mom for the summer p.s love the show i'm a super fan of sarcasm and dark humor also please don't misunderstand i love my stepson it doesn't

sound like it but it's shit like this that makes me appreciate that in nature some mothers eat their young that the weird thing about having a stepson is that you know when you have like when you have your kids they've got snot on their face and you're you're cuddling them all that i i think probably harder to do that with somebody else's kid yeah especially if they're 17 they got snot all over their face but it's just i don't know i don't maybe it's different for moms or ladies but i would have a harder time i think i would resent it a little bit more because it's not my yeah kid i think the whole situation whether take away step kid step mom whatever if someone is doing something for you you're kind of on like depending

you're after you're don't inconvenience them it's on you to make it as easy as possible they're doing your fucking laundry especially like they're but i mean she's fucking she's probably busy it's shit make it easy on her yeah she needs to go she needs to go postal on his ass and then learn him good i wonder if they're since this email was sent in how many sundays went by and is there a way to know if this guy just continually to to wake up super early but was just waiting till the last second to bring their laundry down and i can see that happening especially with a teenager they wake up early but they just lay in bed and scroll on their phone until right before 10 o'clock like shit and they just get up and grab all their stuff and go

run down and throw it there that's yeah i mean that's such a that's such a teenager thing just that it's and it's self-absorbed self-absorbed self-absorbedness and not in like a negative way i think that's just how kids of that age can be where you're just like you're so concerned with what's going on in your life you're not even thinking about like she he's not purposely trying to piss her maybe as though that's what she's asking like is he purposely trying to do it because i had three steps i had three step brothers yeah my mom had to deal with this shit yeah did all the stuff for him they just didn't appreciate didn't care and now looking back on him like she kept doing it yeah yeah yeah like

and she was you know going back to school working and and they couldn't just do anything yeah that's awful um i don't think as far as this case goes i don't think they are purposely doing it i think or he's not purposely doing it i just think teenagers suck yeah and he's just trying to fit in like just get it there at 10 by 10 o'clock so doesn't you know something gets done but you moving it the day up and he did it and then the next morning waking up early and having to do that i don't think he purposely was doing it. Probably just woke up early and want a breakfast. Well,

so like, I think we talked about this before. Maybe, I don't know. Like when you, when you show up to a restaurant that's closes at seven, you show up at six 56. They always love that.

It's like, it's not closed, but it's close. You know, like it's, it's that same thing where you're not thinking about anything past what you're doing for yourself. You're like, if I show up now, now they have to wait and they're getting home late.

I'm getting my food. That's what I care about. But you're not thinking about that person. To me, that's kind of the same thing. It's just some kid like self-absorbed and then not realizing he's like, oh, she asked me to get it to here by this so that's what i'm doing that's what i'm doing right i'm just following the basic rules well hopefully he's not dead yeah maybe uh killed your stepson uh but if you haven't i mean you can send in your

updates and let us know how it goes but i don't think he's purposely doing it i applaud you for doing the laundry because doing laundry fucking sucks especially for that many people yep uh so yeah he he's in the wrong he if he if you're doing a nice thing for him he needs to definitely mold his schedule to make it as easy as possible on you and that'd be a good life lesson for him too yeah um promptness i i i agree i think uh i think we're in agreement here yeah he's not doing it on purpose at least we think he's not yeah he's just being a teenager and yeah um okay you keep kicking butt keep kicking butt yeah kick his butt put him in line yeah talk to him but like hold a taser or like calmly explain it to him but like just zap a taser every now and again. Or tell the dad to tell your son he needs to get his shit together. Yeah, pissing me off.

Maybe that'll cause a rift. It could. All right, let's move on. I think we're going to go all the way down and just hear from our kids for this show. Does that sound good? Yeah. Okay, let's do it. All right, let's hear what you guys think.

Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. All right. First email comes from our kinky son, Chris. He writes, Hey, dads. I was listening to the latest episode of the Anal Bead Bungie

and your conversation about the noise they make. My one and only experience with them was with an ex, and I was told to pull them out like you're starting a lawnmower by a buddy oh my god worst advice what you're gonna want to do is kill them do you have to do you have to prime it prime it first yeah i push the what the clit 10 times and then just you don't want to do too much you don't want to flood it never thought of it that way uh this is not the way this is the fastest way to make your partner into the fetal position in a solid 75 of ptsd diagnosis i can imagine i also want to share the oddest advice i was given at work once i befriended an older older man in the produce department at a grocery store that sounds like a okay i was the janitor

turns out he was a former instructor at a bi bdsm club bisexual okay bdsm club okay washington dc he told me stories of how he found out a member what uh member was a high level nsa agent from the tv appearance about a 9-11. Wow. He would bring objects from torture dens they raided back to the club. Once this guy got to trust me, he laid this gem on me. He said, Chris, I will let you in on a little secret. Women are

for loving, but men are for torturing. Yikes! I have, and will never forget this as far as, as long as I live. As far as I live. As far as I can. I don't trust this guy as long as he can live. Or as far as I. I have and will never forget this as far as I live.

I don't know why that's so funny. Thanks, Chris. Thanks, Chris. Man. Both crazy aspects of this email. I don't know. I mean, a part of me thinks maybe Chris didn't know what to do with the anal beads. And he was like, well, I think you just rip them out.

And then later he's like, oh, that's not what you're doing. He's like, sorry, my buddy told me. He's like, my buddy in Canada, who's invisible, once told me this is how you do it. But yeah, maybe. he's like a my buddy in canada he was invisible once told me this is how you do it um but yeah he must have maybe him and her had a conversation like hey i'm gonna put some let's try some anal beads and then he told his buddy like hey tonight we're doing this you know this this is how you make it this feels like if you want if you want it to be successful you got to do this i think that's that's also crazy the nsa agent was taking torture things back to the club that they got in raids and he's like he's like he's going shopping

as he's arresting people for crazy stuff he's like that looks like fun and he's just doing a little little self-picking and i'll take this sex swing and sex swing and this sexy thing and this outfit waterboarding machine this hammer yeah whatever they're into a boarding machine waterboarding machine i don't know what that looks like but it sounds fun uh just use stuff too like this was in some guy's guts jamming being tortured now it's in someone's someone else's guts yeah sharing the butt sharing is caring all All right. So our second email coming in from our confused son, Stephen, who writes, howdy, fuck nuts.

Hey. When I was eight or nine, I went on a family vacation and in the hotspot room, my dad was watching Seinfeld. It was the episode where George kept coming too fast and said orgasm a lot. Orgasm. Classic episode. Anyway, I asked too fast and said orgasm a lot. Orgasm. Classic episode. Anyway, I asked my dad what an orgasm was. All he said was, it means you feel really good.

Bad dad. Next, we go to Thanksgiving or Christmas or Easter at my grandparents' house. I'm still eight to nine. I'm having a blast. Haven't seen my cousin for months. My cousins for months. Haven't seen my grandparents for months. I was a super emotional kid, not to mention weird as as fuck so i was having the time of my life so i remember

telling a joke everyone laughs then my stupid ass blurts out man i sure am having an orgasm right now oh my god kids say the darndest things i'll tell you what yeah the entire room of adults turned into an uproar the The only one laughing was my uncle. Everyone else was yelling at me. So my parents decided it was because of the television, not because my dad gave me an inadequate sidestep of an answer to my question. I love that. Well, how'd you learn that? Oh, dad told me.

Dad was showing me what an orgasm was. Yeah. No, I wasn't. Oh, sorry. No, he's telling me what it was yeah like that just that trying to explain it because kids i mean just today we were at this uh christmas thing for the for kids my youngest and one of the we were in there with the kids and one of the moms was i was holding a little like kind of like rubbing her kids back and his pants were hanging down a little bit and

the underwear and just the the teacher's reading a book and the little girl is just sitting there she kind of she goes i can see your underpants and or as under some underpants or i can see your butt crack or something like that i forget what it was but so loud while we're all just sitting there listening to the teacher write a book in in her brain she saw right there the book i need to tell everybody i can see your butt crack yeah and everyone's like what the hell just happened everyone laughs it's funny because the kids don't know any better but sometimes i wonder because i'm we're very open with our kids and and honest and like joking i make i make jokes i don't really censor myself too much around them

so like they're going to be at school and they're going to say something like that. Like, well, when, uh, like mommy was getting, daddy was giving mommy an orgasm or something like that never happens. You know what I mean?

But yep. Got it. Noted. Yeah. I had to throw that zinger in there. Um, but like,

imagine like school pickup self-burn yeah yeah self-burn rare yeah i'm trying to uh even all those things even not in public but also it is funnier in public i remember when ezra was really little a fork was a fuck yep man that was a fun stage he's like fuck you're like you know you lean off the side like drop my fuck and it was just a now that's all lean off the side, like drop my fuck. And it was just, and now that's all gone. Well, the cute little things like that. I can't remember if we talked about this or not.

When my kid, he had to poop really bad and we pull off the side of the road and he took a big old dump and he was like, he goes, oh, he goes, oh, holy shit. Or no, he goes, I just shit my ass. I shitted my ass. I shitted my ass. Because I made that joke. You know, like I had to take a poop or whatever. holy shit or no he goes i just shit my ass i shitted my ass i shitted my ass because i made that joke you know like i had to take a poop or whatever i told amber like oh man i just shit my ass and so we're in the car and out of nowhere he's like i just shitted my ass just hold on

hearing a little three-year-old say that in context it's great i just shitted my ass it's amazing proud moment it's a proud moment right there i could never get my we don't get mad at kids for cussing we just try to tell them like just don't do it around other people you're like yeah and school and stuff you know like but so they know that they can do it around us so miles will just we'll be talking he'll go shit fuck like he has Tourette's or something miles you have you can't just say the cuss words. Just cuss. Yeah.

Like I'm not going to get mad at you if you slip up and cuss, but I'm not going to let you just go, shit, fuck, ass, cock. We're driving around in the snowstorm that we got last week, me and the kids. And I was just fucking around, doing big old fishtails around all the corners around town because no one was really out. And then one of them, I just went too far. And we ended up sliding into the middle snow snow bank like not fast but pretty slow and as just in the back seat and just this little voice he just goes oh shit and then like we barely bump off it

and then pepper and i turn around and look and because you know he doesn't like that attention yeah so he's like i'm sorry we're like no it's awesome like that was we were laughing so hard then he got really embarrassed and that turned into rage. But the cutest little just, oh, shit. It was awesome. I love doing that to him. When he'll do something, I'll say something. He'll go, stop it, bro.

I'm stopping. Stop. He's like, where was he at? Stop. He does that big stop. Funny little guy. Yes, he is. All right, you ready to wrap up the show?

Yeah. All right. Reminder, of course, If you subscribe to our Patreon We will continue the show You can become a part of the gaggle at any time If you haven't already Three different tiers to choose from Patreon.com

Slash CanYouDon'tPodcast Or have a link in the episode description Want to read the rest of this? I'll save my voice for that I don't know I straight off If you want to see some pictures of us In I'll save my voice for that. Straight off. If you want to see some pictures of us in fingerless gloves, head over to our socials, Instagram and Facebook.

You can find us there and on YouTube. Just search for Can You Don't Podcast. Make sure to send in your confessions because next week we'll be doing confessions to round out 2022. Hail. Yeah. So if you want to get something out there, put it out and start the new year. If you want to be cleansed before 2023

Yeah Tell your father he's all about your dirties Yeah Hey guys At canyoudontpodcast.com That is the email Sound like the toilet Give me that shit

Right here baby You know where to put that You know where to put that Yeah I know Yeah I do He's like I love corn Okay Rate and review us

The toilet gets pissed Because you don't have any corn? Yes. God damn it. Start eating stuff I like. Rate and review us. We'll have you listen to podcasts. Big thanks to the babysitters. Hey, give me some pudding.

Yeah. God. Taco Bell again? Okay. Are you ready to wrap up the show? I'm ready. Okay. Good God. Wrap it up already show? I'm ready. Okay. Good God.

Wrap it up already, huh? Keeping the theme alive with a dad joke. Hey, Brian? Brian! How do you wash your hands over the holidays? I don't know, Joe. With sanitizer. Oh, fuck off.

I mean... Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! It's a cute one. Cute one on the back end. That's also creepy.

What? Like, he's just calling... He's like, we got some hoes in this house. There's some hoes in this house. He's dancing around, like, throwing presents under the tree.

Whole thing about Santa is fucking weird. Okay, guys, we'll see you next week. We've got little people working for him. Or join us in the VIP party. Yeah, it's... Slaves? Slave labor? Child labor? Well, they couldn't do child week. Got little people working for him. Or join us in the VIP party. Yeah, it's slaves, slave labor, child labor.

Well, they couldn't do child labor. So now they're elves? Yeah. We wanted little people. We just couldn't use kids because of the... So just rename them. On account of some shit that, I don't know. On account of unions.

Right, that's what it is. All right, guys, we'll see you in the VIP party if you're part of Patreon. Bye. Right, that's what it is. Alright guys, we'll see you in the VIP party if you're part of Patreon. Bye! Bye!