Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Oxygen. Waterboarding. Sad. Olive Garden.

Episode Date: December 14, 2022

Can you imagine reaching a stage in your life where you're totally cool with unplugging someone's oxygen breathing machine because the noise was bugging you? Let's talk about that, everyone in the world being way happier than you, bringing your dead dog into an Olive Garden, the stupid shit we all did as kids, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/3kaFCSDV_IYSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs!See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Oxygen. Waterboarding. Sad. Olive Garden. Right before we just started, Joe asked if my PBpee works don't tell people that well i couldn't not well you can't say hey does your peepee work i did not prove it uh i'm the one i'm the one editing it right it'll be all it is recorded though that's true so like if i kill you and then i can put it out i meant to ask if you had to go potty but oh it did came out uh is your peepee okay we'll see i just chugged a coffee. So we'll see if you make it through. Off camera. Yes, right. Episode 26.

Hi, Brian. Hi, Joe. Once again, freezing as fuck. 26 is another one of those things like, boo. Yeah. Dumb. We'll see you at 30. Yeah. Sign up for Patreon. Thank you to everybody. We keep getting the emails every single day, and that is wonderful. Getting close to 200 of the silly geese in the gaggle. Head over to everybody. We keep getting the emails every single day and that is wonderful. Getting close to 200

of the silly geese in the gaggle. Head over to patreon.com slash can you don't podcast. You can find the link in the episode description. Send in those emails. Hey guys at can you don't podcast.com That's Petty Beef's confessions. You want our advice on something? Send that in. That's going to go in your favor.

I think if we get to 300 patrons I get to kill you. that's terrible yeah but it'd be fun it would be fun maybe let's chop off a pinky if if you were gonna if i was gonna murder you how would you want me to do it uh gun to the back of my head when you said that like it got so quiet i think that's a good way i wouldn't want to know it was coming that's probably the best way to die right wouldn't want to know who did it just shoot me in the back of the head that's it bye yeah okay uh i now i know i just need to know if you want to be buried or cremated and then we're we're good doesn't matter to me you do what you want at that point okay i'm all

yours brian necrophilia uh this is a weird one anyway anyway how do you want At that point Okay I'm all yours Brian Necrophilia Wink This is a weird one Anyway Anyway how do you want to die If I had to kill you That's a really good way Okay Like I just

Wake up in the morning You're on the other side of the bed And just pop You're laying You fell asleep on top of me backwards Because you were Not doing anything weird Yeah

And you sat up And you were stuck to my lap And then I shot you in the back of the head where were you keeping the gun the whole time under the pillow you know exactly where i was keeping that gun uh okay so we did get some emails before we get into the start before we get to the uh our first question for today i want to read a couple emails here this one had me laughing so hard it's coming in from this one just had me hard okay our daughter, Emily, someone sent in an email, I don't remember, last week, talking about condoms in the wall. It might have been the week before.

But she had a story to share involving condoms and I wanted to share it with everyone else. What's up, stepdaddies? We are your dad! Sorry. I just listened to the listener email about the condom wall. I remembered that my mom once had a hilarious condom conundrum. Oh, condom conundrum.

I love that. My dad grew up Amish, but left at 16 because, well, muscle cars are much more fun than driving a horse. Yeah, they are. He met my mom. They got married. Not funny. Not funny, but still funny. Funny.

They then purchased a cute little gray mini poodle together. As puppies do, she decided to snack on the bathroom trash. Yep. My parents took her to show to my Amish grandparents, and that's the moment the cute little trash goblin barfed up some of the bathroom trash contents onto the floor of my grandparents' house. One of those things just happened to be a used condom. Imagine my mother's horror at having to explain to her brand new mother-in-law that it was what what in fact had

just yacked up in front of her by the sweet little animal keep in mind my grandmother was very sheltered and had zero idea what a condom was you can imagine i know personally i would have gone with the balloon story but forever off my butt my forever awkward mother actually filled her in with truth well emily that could have the way you read that could have ended up way different than. Absolutely. Filled her in with the used condom. And it's not just, yes, funny situation happening right here. Oh my God, pleasure to meet you.

I've heard so much. Throws up a condom. But it got me thinking about the different things you could have said that condom was. Because she has no idea. Right. Grandma was like, what's that? You're like, like oh that old thing oh that old thing that's a water sock yeah like what you know a water sock sometimes you're playing in some wet pussy i mean lake water and uh you gotta slide one of those little buggers on and then you just go over there and grab it

and just like see you wiggle your little toes around and it's full it's full of of yeah of cum and dog vomit like just like that that's that's lubricated though it'll slide right on absolutely but you can say anything you're like hey uh you've heard of an umbrella right grandma he's like yeah why don't you just take this baby and like scratch it over your head you look like a fucking cummy bank robber like a squish in your face together with the little reservoir on the top you're like you know you're gonna work all squished together she goes oh weird that's great well she'd be like what's a bank yeah what's a bank like what's a robber never mind like this marriage off yeah i'd leave the family right there um or you could take it and she's like this this whole thing i just love that saying oh this whole thing yeah and you pick it up off the floor and you go over to their fridge and just start shoving butter and

veggies into it like what are you doing this is where you store your right this keeps your cucumbers from going bad oh bananas you know long fruit right this is late this is great for long fruit what a weird you know like short fruit apples oranges you got your oranges got your oranges got you when you're shoving all of it in there goes and then you come back like a year later and all of their shits and condoms like you go to get something out of the fridge and all the stuff's just packed into a condom or they're just individually like she's got a like a six pack of bananas on the counter and they're all individually wrapped with condoms tied off in a condom yeah the ribbed because i don't know for her pleasure i don't know why these ones were ribbed but uh they are oh grandma or just don't lie at all just demonstrate exactly

how it how it works but right in front of her that's another thing you could have done oh this oh this old thing that's so weird something it's so common that someone just wouldn't i know oh god there's a lot of things i was gonna say uh in the last example of going to the fridge and shoving veggies in a condom that you could just go back a year later for um i was like christmas i was like i realized i have no idea what holiday islam is celebrate no idea i had nothing to pull from do they do any i don't know i mean what's the rams back at the... When the teenagers get to run away and get drunk for a while. Rammstein?

Rammstein! Nein! Du hast. Du hast butter. That would be kind of funny, though, if you're like, oh, that's how we wrap our presents. You know, when we get presents. And so then she comes over for Christmas and they're all wrapped up in condoms. They just ship out to all the grandchildren.

Yeah. And they just show up to your house wrapped in condoms. Yep. That'd be the best. You could pull that off. They have to in condoms yep that'd be the best you could pull that out to be magnum yeah for the big gifts i'd have to your size what about just you what about just using uh instead of having stockings just condoms uh-huh they're nailed to the fireplace how gross is that fully unrolled and as they just fill them up, they're just like, is the condom full of coal? I don't know why that's so sad, but Merry Christmas.

Someone's been naughty. Someone's been real naughty. Oh, gosh dang. We could dwell on that for a while. We could. I feel like that would be fun. Very fun one. And then you tossed an email in this week.

What's this all about? Yeah. Toss it in the condom. Threw it in there. Pack threw it in there packed it in oh yeah this one is from uh our pilot son and he was uh it's a it's another compliment oh and this one i found really funny because this is kind of one of those ones that originally got me thinking about this okay so he says hey guys i'm wondering if uh the other kids get compliments about things they have nothing to do with them, like fucking work or whatever. Here's mine.

I get all the time. I'm an airline pilot. People tell me you have a beautiful plane. That's exactly what I was thinking. Like, I didn't make this fucking plane. You know? Oh, this whole thing? Yeah.

Yeah. He's like, so he goes, yeah. He's like, what? I didn't buy it. I just work here weird thing to compliment something uh someone's employees clearly owns uh as if it's a person uh oh my god that's theirs personally jesus christ on purpose read the next line oh good luck reading that sentence brian you dick you dirty eric you son of a you dog. He walked right into it. Oh, yeah. That was like a screen door.

Yeah. Heading outside with some fixings and just whack right into it. Right at the finish line, too. And he's sitting outside at the barbecue. You so dumb. Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, I hope he never flies my airplane, if you know what I mean.

I hear you. Thanks for the last one. I get stuck in the back of the bird on dead legs. Must be a pilot talk. Yeah. Never the last one. I get stuck in the back of the bird on dead legs. Must be a pilot talk. I'd be able to. Yeah. Yeah. Never heard that one.

Oh, their pilots right now are laughing so hard. Oh! You know how it is. Oh! Oh! You know the birds with dead legs? He gets stuck in the back of the bird on dead legs. Maybe I feel like he made that one up, but I could see it being tossed around the pilot

world. I just feel like it's a very small group of people that get that. They're like, yep, no, I'm fucking a me too, buddy. I fucking hate being the back of a bird on dead legs. Happy holidays. Yeah, thanks, Eric. Oh, yeah. That was, yeah, that's so funny because he just flies the thing.

That's it. He didn't choose it. No. Didn't pick the color. Mm-mm. Didn't put one rivet into any. Didn't screw anything and he just he carries his luggage like we do how is that a thing sorry to get off on a tangent here let's do

it you'd think like a pilot would get like a a secret entrance you know like when when you go to a concert or like the shoot-up thing where they shoot you out of the floor something that something special but the freaking they're walking through the airport like we are yeah like peasants right they're flying the plane that's an important job yeah we should maybe very important job they should have their own little private uh airport like underground shit they should like base stuff and scans their eyes they should have a green room where they just get to hang out. They probably do. And just like prostitutes all over the place. No, now that you think of it, I never see a pilot just sitting down.

No, they're always walking through. I see them walking through the, yeah. So where are they before we see them walking? That's the real thing. Okay. Yeah. You hear what I'm saying here? Well, they're always, they're late.

They're coming from another flight. Well, yeah. Well, wherever they're at, it's too much fun. They never want to leave. So maybe there is a secret spot. Yeah's like a alarm goes oh shit gotta wrap up this h job yep come on come on come on come on and done and then just start running out this is his condom right toss this condom into the hole in the wall this takes off when they tear down this airport there's just going to be a wall full of pilot condoms. Exactly who it was. It was you.

When you said that, I pictured getting them into the airplane in a cooler way. Not like through the airport. Yeah. Like you stand below it and a tube comes down and just sucks you in. It's like a spaceship. Or like the thing at the bank. Yeah, the little tube.

Sucks it up. You're in your seat. We shouldn't even see the pilots right that's what i'm kind of getting at like i hear you like until you're leaving the plane and they're like waving thanks for flying we shouldn't see him beforehand i don't want to see what my pilot looks like have you ever done you're in the airport and you see the guy walking your plane like oh that guy's flying oh shit or or if it's a lady, you're like, oh, fuck. I am dead. Yeah, but.

Just kidding, ladies. I know, don't do it. Save the E-me. Hmm, never thought about that before. This is the kind of stuff I think about all the time. I don't care if I see him or not, but I definitely, if it goes the wrong way and you're like, this guy, you're flying that big of an airplane?

You're 4'2". Yeah. Can you reach the pedals? They put a book. It's a booster seat. Booster seat. You're flying that big of an airplane? You're 4'2". Yeah. Can you reach the pedals? They put a book... It's a booster seat. Booster seat. At least, like, you want to come up and see the cockpit? You're like, yeah, sure.

And you peek in there and your pilot's on a booster chair. Hey! Fuck! Oh, no! Fucking... Oh, God! You're like, okay, this is funny. Where's the real pilot?

He shows his badge. That's me. Fuck. He has a really high voice. Yes. He has one of those grabber hands that you can use. And he goes, that's how he's turning the airplane on and off. He's reaching out.

He's like, here we go. He's climbing up into his seat. A little juice box. He's like,, he's like, here we go! Pulls his hat, he's climbing up into his seat, little juice box. Just like, oh my god. The intercom, like, it's the first time they're not too loud. Hey, it's your pilot speaking, right? But he's so far away from it. He's like, are you a pilot speaking? It's like this tiny little guy.

Well, it's usually like, uh, this is your captain speaking. We're fucking doing some stuff. Off to the left of the plane. We talked about this. When they force that shit into my ears when I'm trying to watch a movie, I wanted to hear you take my headphones off. Get the fuck out of here. If we're going to crash, don't just crash.

Don't tell me we're going to crash. I'm going to get as far as I can through re-watching Breaking Bad before I die. Well, it's like getting shot in the back of the head. If we're going to crash in an airplane, tell me surprise me yeah just like i want to all of a sudden just be dead like you wouldn't notice how clueless you'd have to be where everyone's screaming and crying and you're just like this is normal flight behavior because i have your kids are floating and you're just like yeah what the fuck are you doing up there? Get off the ceiling. Stop climbing on the seats.

I have to tell you again, I'm fucking smart as God. Oh, wait, what is that? Because you have got noise canceling. Oh, shit, what's that? Oxygen mask coming down. And you're just like, don't get it. You're in a riveting movie. Never clicks.

Yeah, you're watching Con Air. I have some Bose headphones that, I mean, I put those things on when I'm on an airplane. I can't hear anything. I just pull them off my ears it's like you know and i put them back on and it's dead silent so i if i was if i was locked into a movie that probably would happen that'd be i mean that's a movie within itself the guy just didn't know he was gonna die uh on an airplane crash and everything's going crazy. Or it crashes and like- He survives? Yeah, he survives. He doesn't know what's going on.

And then he's like, in the movie, the credits start rolling. He's like, oh, that was good. Gets up to use the bathroom. Yeah. And there's no roof. Shit. Just all dead bodies. Yeah.

And everything's on fire. He's like, sweet, free bath. But I miss, yeah. Ding, ding. Not free to move about the cabin. He just pees with the door open. Don't worry about it. You're now free to live about the cabin.

Live about the cabin. Okay, let's move on to our question for today's episode. Oh yeah, I forgot we were doing something. Doing something. Okay, let's roll it. Hey, shut up. It's not the show already. What do you think the pilot carries in his little luggage?

You know it's not luggage. No, I mean, he's, yeah, what are they doing? Is he flying back? They always have the same size luggage they do maybe it's just used condoms they just have a could be a bunch of condoms in rolling suitcases yeah and it's leaking out the bottom just leaving a cum trail behind them yeah that's why they're walking so fast he's got the janitors walking behind him kind of like a pooper scooper. But it's a. Like the parade where they have the horse guys.

Yeah. Come grab her. Yeah. I just picture like when you collect rubber bands and you strap them on there. Or like you have a bag of bags at home and you're. Like the plastic bags. Yeah. Your plastic bag holder. Oh my God.

Plastic bag. But it's all used condoms. You're shoving inside the other condom. He's taking it home to his trophy. Add to his trophy. Why is that so gross? That's awful. And that's why airplanes smell like rubbers. Right? No.

That sounds like they could have been. Could have been true. They tried to make it true. They tried to will it into existence. Dude, imagine a giant one just covering a plane. Yeah, just shove a plane. Yeah, why not? King Kong? That way it'd never get frozen. Let's move on. giant one just covering a plane yeah just shove a plate yeah why not condom king kong king kong that way it'd never get frozen yeah never let's let's move on yeah so this is a not a would you rather was sent in by our son sean said you're allowed to own or have one thing in life but

everyone else has 10 times as much as you do what do you pick i mean you'll never have as much as someone else someone else yeah yeah i mean first thing you think of money yeah just say you got 10 million dollars but then everyone else gets 100 million and you're not you're no longer rich yeah because the the the scale moves up inflation would be a nightmare so everyone's got 400 000 cars but you still have to yeah have a regular car just have a regular car but that does uh got me thinking about what a disaster this would be for any sort of major purchase or moments in your life i just think about like right now currently i have vehicle, like a normal person. So, I buy my car, and then everybody else has to have ten fucking cars.

Of the same car? I don't know. They just need ten of them. Ten cars. Maybe, yeah, all the same car. That's even worse. I didn't think about it that way. Yeah.

But you're driving around like, God damn it, there's never any street parking. It's like, oh, it's because everyone, every single person has ten cars. Where the fuck are you putting all those cars? You'd have to have a giant garage. Yeah. Good luck. You'd have to build a garage. They'd get 10 garages, so they'd have one garage for each car.

Each car. Think about the same car. That layout on a city map. How the hell would you do that? But then speaking of houses, you save up, you work your ass off, and you buy a house, and everyone else gets 10 houses. The market's going to tank. That's's no good there's too many houses everything's gonna be worth nothing it'd be worth negative amounts of money if everyone got that many houses well you put

homeless people in them yeah that's how we solve the homeless that's right putting then uh an epidemic it is epidemic just start shoving them in the houses. Hey, you're getting relocated. Okay, let's go. What's the difference between an epidemic and a pandemic? I don't know. Would it be an epidemic of homeless people or a pandemic? Is pandemic only disease and then epidemic is something else? Could be.

I think I've only ever heard pandemic. If only we had computers and the internet right in front of us, we could probably figure this one out. Yeah, you could probably figure this one out. Imagine you're at a bar and you're like, who wants a shot? And they give you a shot and everybody at the bar has to take ten. That's one of your favorites.

I promised. I know I said I was going out for one drink, but Joe showed up. And you know the rule. Joe walks into the room., Joe walks into the room. One Joe walks into the bar, and I'm drunk. I mean, that's, you could just fuck with people there. So you have less money

than everybody, but you get to fuck with them. And I know that we're taking this to a complete extreme, so of course, that's what we do. Yeah. How could we not do that? Kids, pets, wives, all of this shit. You have one kid, then everybody else has to have 10 kids. This is a fucking terrible world to live in.

It'd be awful. You go to the park and you've got your one kid and there's five other parents. So it's 50 kids that belong to five. Five families. Five people. Oh yeah. Just five people. Yeah.

Because if it's a family, that's a family of 20 now. Because there's 10 per person. And then each kid gets one. So that's a hundred. Each kid gets 10 kids. Oh my god. It's a fucking fractal. Human fractal.

It's terrible. You wouldn't be able to play on any toys. You can't go to a theme park. No, absolutely cannot. But this is like a weird apocalyptic movie where everyone's begging you. Like, please, I can't even go to my house anymore. I have 10,000 cheeseburgers. Lamps.

Yeah, I have 10 lamps. I got 10 beds. I got 10 toilets and 10 bathtubs. I only have one bathroom. And they're just begging you to stop doing anything Like please Just put you in a box So the world can continue

And if you die then 10 more people die I don't know Well yeah Or if I don't even know You stab yourself with a knife And then everyone has to do that 10 times So you have or own I don't even know. Yeah, I know. Like, you stab yourself with a knife. And then everyone has to do that? Ten times.

I mean, it says have or own. I mean, I don't really know where to take this. But let's say, let's get away from the physical things. Let's go to, like, happiness or sadness. Ten happinesses? Ten happy, happy nigh. Happy nigh, yeah. Sad eye.

Right. Clear eyes. Clear eyes. Sad eyes. But you're happy. You're the happiest you've ever been. but then everybody else is 10 times as happy first off annoying as shit yep and you you're pleading your case like no i swear it's the happiest i've ever been this happy i've never been this i don't believe it i'm truly happy they're like you look pretty sad to me because

they're just but then for you like when i'm around people that are too happy all the time it's like it just doesn't feel right yeah it turns into madness yeah it turns into something's gotta bother you a little bit why am i so happy why am i so mad that you're so happy yeah it's just you start resenting how happy someone is yeah uh and on the sadness side i mean good luck finding a partner in your life if they are always 10 times as sad or happy as you all the time. The 10 times, you're a little bit sad. So like just a slight inconvenience.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. You dropped your coffee. Yeah. The game didn't record the first five minutes. And so you're like, God damn it. What happened up to this point?

So you're a little bit sad. And then everyone like your wife is just on the verge of committing suicide like all the time so now not only did i lose five minutes of the game now i have to put up with the saddest person ever yeah so that's never gonna and if you're and then you're if you choose happy yeah then you have someone that you're stuck with that's 10 to every single person is 10 times as happy as you i mean let's talk about sex can we like yeah let's talk about sex baby i had sex last night and this guy's like you had one sex you only had one sex he's like no no thank you i know i had i had 10 sex i had 10 sex last night yeah i had 10 sexies last night. So that's a gift. That's a gift for everybody. But again, that's just going to make more kids and fucking STDs.

You kind of fuck it up for everyone. You have your fun, and then you get a million dollars. They get $10 million. But then you're like, okay, fuck you. And then you do something to even it out. Well, it says you only get one thing something to even it out well it says i mean you allowed you only get one thing that's it you have to pick one of these things that is it you don't get to you're not gonna a reverse genie or an all-powerful genie that can do shit but you

have to pick just one of these i mean the money thing would just mess up society as it is yeah because if everybody moves up in the thing you're you're basically broke i think i would gamble and although i see it being annoying i think i'd go with the happiness and then everyone is just so happy let's see if we can get war to go away and see if we can get like i mean sexual abuse violence rape like all these things that are making people do atrocious things if they're just happy does it all go away murder if you're like no i'm not yeah why would i kill somebody i'm not even i'm i'm happy if you look at other societies that are happier was that your watch it's got the shit out of me they said yeah that's what i thought that's what my watch said thanks sir um she's

listening uh yeah if you i mean if you look at some societies that are you know smaller and happier and have higher levels of happiness whatever there's just that's just the way it is murder so i guess i'm gonna roll the dice it might ruin everything but it's the only the only it's gonna be positive and i guess i gotta live in that world because i am truly happy so i'm fine that. People are just happier than me. Or you could go the selfish route and do the sad. And then everyone's way sad. And then you're like, well. You're a king.

Yeah. At least you're like, well. They're way sadder than me. At least I'm not that sad. I'm the happiest person. On planet Earth. Yeah. Dude.

That'd be miserable. Walking down the street. Hey, good day. Fuck you. Everybody. Everybody. Everybody. Here comes Brian. Here comes the least saddest guy in the world.

That would probably cheer you up a little bit. It would. Chipping your giddy up? What is that? Skipping your giddy up. Skipping your giddy up. Chippity boop. All right.

I mean, let's just go with happiness that's okay yeah that's all right let's go to uh let's go to uh hey hey what's up babe what are you thinking about uh you know nothing actually you know what i'm thinking about a lot of shit what are you thinking about all right joseph hi um we've been thinking about this email, Joseph. Hi! We've been thinking about this email that was sent in by our crafty son, David. He gave us something to think about.

He writes, Sup, Papa and Poppy. Hmm. Hmm. Allow me to take y'all on a trip down memory lane all the way back to the fall of 1996. I know what you did last summer fall good year so a few friends so a few friends my brother and myself came up with a new way to play dodgeball

we took empty detergent jugs filled them with rocks and were chucking them at each other it was so fun and crazy yeah sounds like it especially the way they would rotate rotate made them extremely hard to catch yeah Yeah, so I could imagine the... We were at my house and my younger siblings wanted to play. As a good big brother, I advised them to stay out of this game. But they insisted on playing. I had older cousins and friends, so yeah, I know this game. At first, we were having a blast.

And that's when it happened. My bro hit my sister, the youngest of us. There was five five including me right in the face boom her glasses flew off her face and blood started gushing out her nose like crazy she started wailing bawling her eyes out and i was like oh fuck her dad my stepfather pokes his head out of the window and sees my sister bleeding and rushes downstairs. He asks my sister what happened and then she said, Danny hit me! The dude turns out and just jacks my brother

in the stomach. KO. Knocks the wind out of him. I couldn't help myself and like an asshole I start uncontrollable laughing at the situation. I'm on the ground in tears. That was the last time we played that game. She's a fan of the show and when she hears the story she's probably going to kill me. Anyways, love the show. You guys are awesome. guys are awesome bye i got through that you did thank you thank you

god this is just threw me down memory lane just like you said at the start of the email of just the dumb shit that kids do for entertainment um and i do get reminded of this whenever somebody brings up or i see the meme of like you know back in our day like we didn't have ipads it's like yeah and you were smoking cigarettes behind a dumpster yep like there's like we were not just hanging out yeah you're way better than our kids these days no you're you're not but god that's so funny to think about filling up detergent or jugs with rocks and throwing them at each other it's 100 something i would have done do you remember dirt clods

what did you call them dirt quads clod dirt clod so basically like you throw dirt at each other and moses like where i don't know if it was just the soil, whatever it was. Okay. You'd get like a glob of dirt that was packed tight like a snowball. Yeah. And we called them dirt clods. Okay. I don't know why. I don't even know where it came from. We called it dirt clods.

And one time we were in our neighborhood and there was a bunch of kids that played this and we were throwing them at each other because when they were an actual dirt cloud, it would just hit you and break apart and it was funny. But this one time, one of the kids that was playing, he was right next to my sister. That's why this story reminded me of it. He grabbed what he thought was a dirt cloud, but there was a giant rock in it. And he goes to throw it, and my sister just happened to be right in front of him. He throws it, and it busts her head open.

And she's probably like eight years old something like that and she's wearing this bright yellow coat and you get the blood just starts rolling down the back and all like her she had blonde hair and a yellow jacket and it's just bright red and so i remember like rushing her back to the house and taking it and she had to get staple like they use a staple gun to close up her head but it was just it was an innocent game until there's a fucking rock in there that's that's that's how the all good games go when you're a kid we're having fun we're having fun now we're at the emergency room oh god damn it guess that game's over uh roman candle fights in a field yep yeah that was always a good one you'd

get i mean the safety precautions if you would bring your like snowboard goggles and like a face mask some people were like full like motorcycle helmets and shit but some people just showed up late they didn't have anything and they're just in a you know doing this roman camel thing no shirt on no shirt on um like go running around downtown like not even on the fourth of july with the roman candles just shooting them like down main street. Exactly. Uh, yeah, that happened one time. I just left my group of buddies and they were across main street and I was

walking down to my neighborhood and my buddy who it's always the same one, TJ, always the same kid involved in all these stories. That's just what we did. And he decides now he's going to start shooting a Roman candle at me, uh, through main street and then down the other street to hit me. So he lights it up and he shoots it.

He misses me, unfortunately for him. On the other side of me was a cop that was crossing the street on foot to go to a bar. Was he jaywalking? Yeah, pretty much. He was going to start a fight. Did he do a citizen's arrest? No, he fucking got... So he didn't know what was going on.

He thought it was a gunshot or something. So I'm the closest one and he just arrests me as my friend's runoff. How old were you? High school. I don't know. Probably 17. So suspicious. 17, 18.

And then he tried to get me to rat him out, and I was like, I have no idea who they were. And he goes, I know you know who they were, Joe. I was like, I have no idea. He's like, I just saw you walking with them. I was like, no. No, you didn't. But he let me go. But anyway, I left. Well, because he was heading to to the bar he didn't want to have to write up the

paperwork nothing like that uh the dirt mound story right there was this little subdivision thing down just a half a block away from my mom's house growing up and it took him forever to put these condos in but behind that while they were tearing everything down there was a rope swing that just went over dirt. And then over time, it just turned into a giant pile of sharp logs. And you would just swing out over this, of jagged fucking sticks. And he's like, if I fall, I'm dying. If I'm going to die.

And then, or the rope snaps, anything. And you just swing out. We would do that all the time. We were bored. Like, I'm going like going to the dirt swing like yep and just like when you grow up

in a small town that's just the stupid shit you do though I know I mean we used to shoot each other with BB guns perfect

it was like the pump ones so you just do one pump BB gun pump action whatever no it wasn't like the

click like a rifle Jesus Christ the Red Ryder click click you know it's like it was an air pump okay but you just do it one time so it still came out but it wasn't like it wouldn't pierce your skin and so you'd wear long so it hurt right but you're still getting shot with a bb yeah uh oh man what was the trampoline i used to wrestle on the trampoline dude that's a big one We had this friend that would...

He was strong, so he'd be doing something. He'd lift you up, powerbomb you, choke slam you. Right. Do all this stuff. How did we not end up with broken necks? He drops you down a little, an inch too far. Yeah. And snap your neck.

We're not professionals at all. We're just doing this as kids. Yeah. You know the game where you stand across from each other and you spread your feet out and you throw a knife and you try to stick it close to their feet? Remember that game? I never played it, but I am familiar. This turned, there was that game, but then we started throwing it over the roof of the house. So you couldn't even see the other person. Jesus Christ. And you would have to lob it over the house. A knife? Yeah.

And then you try to stick it in the ground on the other side as close as you could at the time it didn't seem dangerous because you can see a knife flying and if it's going to hit you move out of the way like that was our reasoning and he's like oh not even close didn't stick it's like playing battleship grab the knife and throw it you suck my foot left kill my liver hit left foot yeah you'd like to do a little map figure out what you're throwing in the kidney oh gotcha no i still want more space so one more space on the kidney you gotta fill it in well there's you have two kidneys no yeah right so you gotta get both kidneys yeah um that's just ridiculous that's potato guns you guys fuck around with those in moses lake we didn't um god just so many dumb

i think we i don't know that never really caught i remember well i could no we'd have like potato and then we had baseball gloves and potato guns you'd go a ways away and then shoot potatoes how did no one die well even going back to the one die going back to roman candles the idea of a roman candle just for the fourth of july is ridiculous the fact that you hold on to a firework that could blow up in your hands yep that's insane that that's like oh no you got to hold this one you don't prop it up you gotta you have to hold this one they allow you that's legal i know well they say don't do it that's how they get away with it uh my buddy kellen i wonder if he still has the scar on his stomach i felt so good i felt that from the knife game no i wish no it was from he had a wiffle ball bat and i was shooting

roaming candles he was trying to hit him oh my god uh and he did crush one and then the next one came out and it went it curved in and then just stuck to his belly. So he couldn't get it off. Oh no. And just for all of high school, every time I saw him after college, I was like, he's still got it. He's like, check it out. That's amazing.

I wonder if he's still got it. Just a burn mark. Burn scar. Terrible. In college, we used to, that's when like airsoft guns were kind of getting some momentum. And I remember we would, my buddy and I, we lived in a basement and we had this rule, like you'd have to wear like basketball shorts and just a t-shirt. And we would just blast each other whenever we said, okay, there's a game on.

So if someone went in the bathroom, we had like, we had a cable TV in our bathroom and Nintendo, so the door wouldn't shut because there was cables running in there. And I remember one time my buddy was in there taking a shit. And I'm like, I was like, you have your goggles on? And he's like, oh, fuck. Because he knew it was going to happen. So I just reach in with my arm. And it's like 200 beats per second.

And he's on the shitter. Just blasting him. And then another time the shitter. Just blasting him. And then another time, I caught him wearing two shirts. Oh, cheater. So I was like, that's a penalty. So he starts taking the other shirt off and it pulls the undershirt up with it. And I just unloaded on him. I mean, there was welts all up the side of him.

But it was part of the game. It was like, yeah, I guess I deserve that. I cheated with two shirts. You got me. You got me. I want to hear some of the, it was like, yeah, I guess I deserve that. I cheated with two shirts. You got me. You got me. I want to hear some of the, from our kids. I want to hear what you dumb, dumb shit you guys did to be, to entertain yourselves growing up. Send that in to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com.

I know some things that I never did. Yeah. Like we grew up around canals and stuff. Oh yeah. And there was like chutes and things like that where kids would go through the chutes yeah and you had to grab it it was like but my dad worked in the irrigation district and he used to tell me horror stories like pulling bodies out yeah and man that just brought back there was a little dam by my friend's house that you could open the door and like crank it up and we would go through the damn door the damn door what the fuck i would never do that

kids so dumb yeah get pinned against that like if you didn't go low enough you'd just be stuck against the door yep and you're dead that kind of shit happened all the time oh man all right we'll send stuff in send stuff in let us let us read it should we move on this should be fun i know yeah let's move on get those sent in in. Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick. Hey, Joe. Hey.

Let me see that deal. Oh, I got it for you, buddy. Right here. Funk. This story, I mean, there's nothing funny about it on the surface. You got to dig deep to find the comedy? Kind of. Not really.

Here you go. Hospital patient arrested for allegedly switching off neighbor's noisy oxygen machine. Oh, God. Yeah. That's what it sounds like. Trying to get some sleep over here. I know. So a hospital patient has been arrested after she allegedly twice, twice, shut off the oxygen equipment on which the fellow patient depended because it was too noisy, German authorities

have said. equipment on which the fellow patient depended because it was too noisy german authorities have said the public prosecutor's office in the southwest german city of manheim manheim manheim obtained a warrant for the 72 year old woman's arrest and she was brought before the magistrate and investigating judge of the manheim local court on wednesday so she could still hear pretty well at 72 she was later admitted to the correctional facility, the police headquarters, and public prosecutor's office in the Amsterdam. The woman allegedly turned off the man's switch

on the oxygen equipment sometime before 8 p.m. on Tuesday after feeling disturbed by the noise emanating from it. That's all it took. Although the suspect was informed by hospital staff that the oxygen supply was a vital measure, she allegedly turned off the device again around 9 p.m. The 79-year-old woman had to be resuscitated and is still receiving intense medical care. Oh, my God.

So this is a big thing. And this has nothing to do with the story, but I love when news articles do this. And it just gives a representation of how dumb we are as a society okay if i say oxygen breathing equipment you'd kind of know what it does right so last paragraph on this article says oxygen equipment is used to ensure that enough oxygen reaches the patient's cells uh it can take different forms including a nasal canula face mask and trachea tube according to the cleveland trachea so that is man just in case you weren't aware that we used oxygen as a human race you need it to stay alive yeah yeah just

in case you didn't know that we'll toss that in on the end there um but this is the pinnacle of a grumpy fed up old person moment yep just no Just no fucks. God damn it, Matt. Shut it. I can't hear the puzzle. Like he's listening to or watching, trying to watch Wheel of Fortune. Dr. Phil. And he's. And she's just like, oh my God.

Oh my God. Well, what's louder? That or. What are we about to find out yeah Jesus stop dying over there trying to watch whale of fortune even when you're dead you're annoying it's like the equivalent of like a baby's

crying and you just walk over and put a plastic bag over its head you're like ah shut up no no no listen I know i get it the baby's loud but they need oxygen in order to stay alive and she goes okay and an hour later she's like stupid baby he just goes and puts a plastic bag get rid of that oxygen get rid of that oxygen that quiets some things down maybe she knew her they're they're only seven years apart maybe she's like maybe madge slept with her husband 50 years ago could

be a little little payback situation and she's like oh this is my opportunity she goes yeah no i know why the oxygen machine is there i just don't want her to be alive i get it yeah just don't want the oxygen being used on her on her it's a waste yeah it's a waste um or like imagine your neighbor is mowing their lawn and you don't like it so he's kind of like just mosey over with a sledgehammer like that's just bash his brain in the old people thing yeah right just just shoot him dude and then go right back to what you're doing right back to bed like yeah you're trying to take a nap oh you slide the bed the gun back under your bed so much quieter like you see you're like police sirens like god damn it well you know what, you know what's worse is if the lawnmower doesn't shut off. Because usually when it's driving, at least it's like, and then it's like the different sounds of a mower going back and forth.

But just the idling sound of a mower, that would be like when someone's dying, it's going, so the mower's just going. I could see how that could be annoying. That would be more annoying than hearing it in use. And then another question about. Maybe that's just me. I don't know. She got to do it twice. Yeah.

She got to do it two times. Okay. She's old. So the first time they're like, gosh, dang it. Can you please do that? You can't do that. See, here's the, here's the deal. It's hooked up to that person.

And if you turn that off, they die. And she needs oxygen. That's providing the oxygen. See how the article says? It's providing the oxygen that Madge needs. Bag goes up, bag goes down. You see that bag goes up. She goes, yeah, I know that's the problem.

I know it's the problem. I can't see the TV because the bag keeps going up. It's just the biggest bag. It's not even the sound. It's the bag inflating in front of the TV. And then she's like, damn it, I can't see the puzzle. She can't see the little fortune puzzle. Because it's a speed round.

What's the clue? It's a speed round. And it's counting down. That fucking bag is just going in front of the bottom right corner. God damn it. Oh, man. But that's just... We talked a little bit about when you hit that old person stage.

We were talking about when you get away with murder. Yeah, when you get away with murder. That kind of stuff. Small things like that. No, like getting your dick out in the locker room. When do you hit that point? When you're just like, I don't really care anymore. Everyone can see my dick.

It's like, my dick. but i'm looking forward to it i don't think i will ever get to the point where i'll just unplug someone's oxygen um just because they're it's annoying me you don't know you've never been 72 years old before i haven't i haven't and i don't expect you to ever get there okay uh someone put a bullet in the back of your head. Oh, yeah. That's right. Because you're going to be getting too annoying. We should bring in one of the auction things.

Oh, shit. Do you have fucking fingerless gloves? Oh, they're in my bag. Okay, get them. Should we wait? I have to say this. Should we wait? My wife, she doesn't get enough credit. Okay.

She put them in my bag last night because she knew I'd forget them. I swear to God. All right. Well, I mean, better late than never. I'm pretty sure she put them in here. If she did, she's a savior. Maybe she didn't. Oh, there they are.

Sorry, guys. We got to pause in the middle. I don't know. Why did us talking about old people? Not us. I think what it was is you talked about again you talked about killing me and i was like someone who kills somebody has leather gloves and i was like oh that must be well no you wouldn't want to wear fingers gloves because you leave fingerprints i know it

wasn't a proper memory but oh man there's gonna be a lot of assembly required that sound the the bag mm-hmm hey guys sorry i know this is not riveting audio, but bear with us. I think the show is about to get a lot better. It's going to get a lot more edgy, that's for sure. I'm going to say some crazy jokes. Ooh, I hear that sound. That's Velcro right there. Damn, the smell

too. Is that real leather? Yeah, are you kidding me? Dude, look at that shit. I love how we're just putting on fingerless clothes right now. doesn't yeah kidding me just mid-show like it's not totally normal well how did we forget to do this oh we got things going on are we gonna wear these from now on for like every show we can wear them I yeah yeah I think so dude what's up huh hi uh silly goose shake what's mine good shake oh yeah that's nice the rub the leather rubbing together okay anyway

red leather yellow leather let's move on to your leather oh this is going so good this show just got so much better oh if you can't see us right now we'll take some pictures at some point we'll do a little photo shoot with these babies. Yeah, after the show, maybe we'll do that. As long as, yeah, we have time. It doesn't matter. Okay, show me your dick. Let's see. Show me what you got over there.

So, let's go to Olive Garden for some all-you-can-eat. Okay. Soup and breadsticks. Soup, salad, and breadsticks. Okay, in Overland Park, Kansas. We don't go to Kansas very often. No, we don't go to Kansas. Happy to be here.

We got to go there more often. They got a good barbecue. Yeah, they do. Or is that just Kansas City? That's Missouri. Missouri. Missouri. All right, a Johnson County restaurant manager.

He's over there punching his fist and smelling the glove. They don't smell good. No. Okay. Well, I can't imagine where they came from. Oh. Okay. Sorry.

Here we go. I know these are distracting, but... Yeah, but it's what a distraction. Go ahead, read. All right. I feel like Joe's going to beat my ass. But will he? No.

It's an equal fight now. Are those the right size? Yeah, size enough. I got you an extra large because your dick is so big. I got it. Okay. Okay. A Johnson County restaurant manager sent a harsh message to employees about taking time off and was subsequently fired.

Yeah. An Olive Garden Media Relations representative confirmed to KCTV5. Your nightly news broadcast. Six o'clock news. A manager at a restaurant on 95th street Sent below The below message To staffers Alright Here we go Our call offs

Are occurring At a staggering rate And when he says call off He means people calling in Sick or whatever To work From now on If you call off

You might as well Go out and look For another job We are no longer Tolerating any excuse For calling For calling off That's such a weird

phrase maybe quit saying it like that i don't know that's what it says though i know i don't speak kansas i don't fucking get it speak kansas what is this if you're sick you need to come prove it to us if your dog died you need to bring him in and prove it to us if it's a family emergency you can't say too bad wait and what if it's a family emergency, you can't say too bad. Wait. And what? If it's a family emergency and you can't say too bad. Oh, got it. You have to say what it is. Yeah.

My mom got caught banging the milkman and my dad killed. My dad banged the milkman after that. Yeah. And then killed everybody. It was a murder, suicide, suicide. Go work somewhere else. If you only want morning shifts too bad go work at a bank if anyone for from here on call outs out more than once in the next 30 days you will not have a goddamn fucking job i added i added that this works this works um i can see moving it's clenching your face. Do you know in my 11 and a half years at Darden,

I mean, I guess. Darden? I don't know. How many days I called off? Zero. I came in sick. I got in a wreck,

literally on my way to work one time. Airbags went off and my car was totaled. But you know what? I made it into work on time because I was wearing fingerless gloves. I was going to say, if fingerless gloves could write its own review like this would be something that just fingerless gloves would write there are no more excuses get yourself some fingerless gloves and get to work us collectively as a management team have had enough if you don't want to work here don't it's as simple as that if you're here and want to work then work no more complaining about

not being cut or not being able to leave early you're in the restaurant business do you think i want to be here until midnight on a friday saturday night no i'd much rather be at home with my husband oh i expect this to be a man because he's in management i guess um I'd much rather be home with a husband and dog. Going to movies and seeing my family, but I don't! I'm dedicated to being here, as should you. No more excuses or complaints. I hope you choose to continue to work

here, and I think we in management make it easy as we can on y'all. Oh, because she's from Missouri. Missouri. Thank you for your time. Thank you for those who come in every day on time and work hard. I wish there were more like you. Olive Garden manager message. That's rough.

That is grade A dick face. And I love it. If your dog dies, bring him in so he can see the dead body. Are you happy now? Can I please go go home and she's like well you're already here you might as well just toss the dog in the fucking trash in the back alley and get in here clock in could you imagine walking like you come through the main entrance carrying this dog that just got hit by a car a little door jingle everyone looks over and bloody dog you're all covered in blood crying right please don't take my job you tried to get it to the vet and it died on the way there

or it's like it got imagine the dog it got so mangled sad doggo poor doggo so you had to wheel your pet in and like a wheelbarrow oh wait a what a wheelbarrow what's a wheelbarrow world barrel world barrel what's a wheelbarrow i don't know it's a barrel on wheels that's what it really is it's a wheelbarrow real bar will borrow will borrow this real quick so i can get my dog into the store imagine people like eating their food though they're like eating soup and salad and bread sticks. Excuse me. And you're like walking through tables. Dogs bleeding out.

Shoes are leaving blood footprints. Walking to the back to drop your dog off. Imagine, why did you bring the dog in here? Per your email. Per your email. Just drop your dead dog. I'm going home now. Bye.

But yeah, ramp it up. What if your spouse had a heart attack and died? And you like no you're like god damn it so you have to fireman carry you over your shoulder your husband into dead dude into the back and be like they're like okay fine yeah you can have the day off what if it was murdered yeah like the knife is still in the back yep a bag over their head bring it in like, cause that's the whole, like they're assuming you're making up a story. Like my wife was kidnapped

by an alligator and murdered. Like you, um, after a while, croak it up. See, he just dropped your,

see you later alligator. See you later alligator. Uh, no, but you, like your wife was kidnapped and murdered and then they, they sent you a message.

You dropped off the ransom, and your boss isn't going to believe this whole fucking story. So you bring in your wife, who's got a bag over her head. Tell him what happened. He's not going to believe me. So tell him what happened. Then I can help you. Help me help you. Help me help you.

That's what I'm going to need right now. Everybody involved in a huge Ponzi scheme. You have to bring them all in. Here's the leader. He's like, mm-hmm. He's sitting there hearing it all. He goes, I don't know. Something's not adding up here.

Well, Johnson can fill in the rest over here. Right. He's got it. You can leave. You can leave. Bring the next witness up. But yeah, that's a good asshole manager post right there. Well, I imagine it's months and months or maybe it's like since COVID.

Because obviously this goes back even further. But like ever since COVID happened, you're seeing I'm talking with my hands in the fingerless gloves. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Everything is violent. Like you're not even talking about it. You're just fucking punching. It's like double dragon.

It's like double dragon moves. You're like, you're like, here's the thing. Oh, he's doing a quick jab. I think we should. Was Rocky wearing fingernails gloves when he was, when he was running? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

Oh my God. You said nothing you're talking about. So last time I went to Olive Garden. It's nothing to do. The little, the little, the nose on the, the thumb on the nose. Olive Garden. Isn't that what they do? The little, the little, the nose on the, the thumb on the nose thing. So, so many people are calling out sick lately. Bobby Reef, Bobby Reef. Shadow boxing with fucking fingerless gloves on.

Okay. Do you have any idea what you were saying no I'm sorry I tried to hold it in like couldn't you were like doing this you did like this

I couldn't do it oh shit I wish you could rewind the footage and hear what you were saying oh that hurt and I don't remember if I don't spit it out

yeah it was something to do with something yeah fuck yeah alright just no I remember what it was just the guy being like If I don't spit it out. It was something to do with something. Yeah. No, I remember what it was. Just the guy being like... The staffing shortages that have happened

since COVID. Everyone's complaining nobody wants to work. You go into a thing... I can't look at you. Anywhere you go in a restaurant, it's like a 13-year-old kid working. Because that's all they can hire. So just like the last couple years and how many months that manager is dealing with kind of shit like scheduling issue he has to keep coming in and cover people's

or whatever it is he finally just lost his shit and i mean i can imagine you'd be in a situation where you that's finally's finally your last resort. Mm-hmm. Right? Like, what else? Yeah. I'm sick of this. I've had to hire and train, and it's a huge pain in the ass.

When you go through the whole process, you get them in there, and then a month later, they're gone. You're like, God damn it. Waste my time. Yeah. It's expensive to hire people. Mm-hmm. And it takes a lot of time to interview them and go through the resumes and shit. Yeah, it sucks.

Right. Like, he was very specific, like, bring your dog in right right um but i just find that so funny that whatever the situation is you have to bring that thing in drag it in you're not getting the day off you cut your finger off and it's an olive garden for fuck's sake yeah like it's not like a like the fbi the cia some important thing. I don't know. You might walk in with a cooler and you've got your finger that you just cut off. You're like, I need to get this taken care of. He goes, okay.

How do I know that's your finger? Because it fucking looks. You lift it up and it's just squirting out. I'm picturing a fingerless glove with all your fingers missing. That's just a glove, though. It's just a glove. It's just a perfectly fit glove. The perfectly fit glove.

Okay, let's move on to Petty Beef. Now it's not a fingerless glove. Well, it is still a fingerless glove. There's no fingers in it. There's no fingers in it at all. It's the perfect size. Okay. Silence in the court. You are now entering the Petty Beef courtroom, where all sides of some bullshit will be heard and evaluated. The people are real

the cases are real the rulings are final ish this is petty beef real real quick i won't dwell on this but i just had a funny idea like the idea that your fingers are getting cut off and then so they fit the gloves perfectly what would be worse than a regular pair of gloves that just didn't have the tip on it oh yeah so like they go the length of your fingers but no just barely like not even a half your finger but just the tip tip not even that which is all the way no all the way to the top and there's just the top the very top is clipped off so you just see the end of your finger that's awful it's the work of the nail industry that's the only way like can i get quick a quick access to a nail or something well and you wouldn't even be able

to do that because it covers your nails it's just a very tippy tip so like if you wanted your hands to keep warm

it's still getting drafts it's awful it's an awful design flaw anyway okay so our first

petty beef let's call some people our first petty beef for this week or I guess the only one we're doing this week

because of time is from our bread winning daughter megan who writes hello step daddies listen to can you don't from the beginning and watch daddy brian on the tiktok so you guys keep up the amazing work i have some petty beef between my husband and i i'm just going to jump right in here so i have a job that i have to drive an hour and 10 minutes both ways whenever something all caps i can't do anything but fucking scream it that's a sick sound leather glove sound not just like tightening pulling it down i was waiting for you to look at i was doing this for like 30 seconds trying to not look all right so both ways i've had this job for almost seven

years now i make more money than my husband and the benefits are way too good for me to quit for you girlfriend girl power even if i did quit i would not find a better job than what i have now our biggest fight is that i want to move to the town where my job is the town is bigger the school district is better we have two kids ages three and one check and i told him i was not going to put our kids in the school district we live in right now ever we have family in both towns and both have blended families step parents so on either side of the families they're large so we would both be leaving families behind again it is only an hour away so we could visit very easily so i get the kids i get up the kids in the morning monday through friday bring them to daycare go back to home get ready to leave for the house for noon

work at 1 30 work until 11 p.m., and then the hour drive back home. So she's setting it up as, you know, whatever. It's a big deal. It's a long day. Big part of it, yeah. And then he, so it goes on to the husband, he is a janitor slash maintenance man for the hometown school district and loves his job. And I told him he could do that at the new town easy.

And he told me that he doesn't want to aspire to be a janitor his whole life. And she writes, then what are you doing the ouch then why should it matter that we move his biggest and only excuse is that he thinks he won't quote quote like it i just want some other opinions to this and not just family and friends telling us both what to do i'm sorry this is long i even tried to shorten it and left out some of the details long story short should we move or am I being a bitch? Again, keep it up, guys. Love you both. Your sleepless daughter, Megan.

Oh, I thought I was going to say your shirtless daughter. Your shirtless daughter, Megan. Weird thing to say to your dads. Oh, man. This is actually like a big. It's a life. Yeah. It's a life change.

Like whatever we decide could end this marriage. Yeah. If he gets over there and just hates it uh my my gut reaction is to move just and then see maybe put a uh a time frame on it where if things are not getting better in whatever amount of years then maybe you can go back uh i'm not sure what the situation is i know you just can't be throwing money around and moving if things are not getting better in whatever amount of years, then maybe you can go back. I'm not sure what the situation is. I know you just can't be throwing money around and moving from place to place whenever you want. But you could say, and then of course

the kids are going to grow up, so then they're going to start making friends, and then it's hard to move away. But if there was a time to move, it would be now when the kids are three and one. Because they don't have any friends. They never will. They're going to be lonely their whole life back to you brian what would you do school district thing yeah that's a good point bigger

town more shit to do i don't know i it's tough because i think if you have a quote unquote breadwinner the one that's like bringing home the bacon it's hard not to want to accommodate that person even though he loves his job um if he loses his job it sounds like her it's a it would be a bigger deal if she right it was it was more convenient for her yeah what if you guys ditch the kids and go on a weekend, have a nice weekend over in whatever this other town is, and see if he likes it? But I don't think it's that. I don't think it's just the town. It could be that he might not like his job. Like, he likes his job now. He doesn't aspire to be a janitor, but he likes his job.

And if he goes somewhere else and doesn't like that and he's like well now i hate my job and i hate where i work right so i get that wanting to be happy um but god damn that's i know what it's like to drive i used to work here in cordelaine and live in spokane i had to drive an hour every fucking day i did that too and drove to spokane. It's annoying as fuck. Yeah, it sucks. I don't know. You need to just start with the basics.

See if he can find any work that he might actually like. I think that's a big, big part of it. And then start talking about possibly making a move once he knows something is, like, he's found something that he's going to like. Maybe he can make the drive for a little bit. See how much fun he's found something that he's gonna like maybe he can make the drive for a little bit see how much fun that is that but that's the whole thing like so she has to wait for him to find something he likes so she has to keep driving that's marriage marriage 101 yeah but i think a lot of people tend to it's like whatever the man wants to do yeah you know and if she's the one out there fucking bringing in the bacon, maybe she gets to make the call.

Yeah. It's a tough one. I don't want to be liable for throwing you guys into a divorce situation. I think he's got to feel it. I think you got to have him give it a chance. I'd start there. Have him give it a chance. Because right now it sounds like he's just like, no.

I don't like it. No just like no I don't like it I don't like it stupid city only an hour away yeah that's not that's not shit as far as it comes like to family and friends

go see him pretty much whenever you want to I think I think that he deserves I think she deserves to have him give it a chance

and then you're gonna have to take it from there but no one gets to just make the call on this shit yeah especially yeah that's not how not how this works you have to hopefully find common ground and make a move from there but i get it yeah drive maybe there's a remote opportunity i don't know this is like the probably the most real life petty beef that we've had it's a little bit bigger than petty it's just straight up yeah this yeah well and it's not even beef it's like what do we do with our family uh well i mean it could be beef for them but i just

that's a big moving out of a town uprooting wherever you're at is always hard even if it's just an hour away um yeah because you're i mean we've we've had conversations about moving before and then we'll we'll do we'll have like a school event and i'm like oh no this kid like they it really is a great place even though it'd be fun for us to live somewhere else and we were going through this same thing yeah um so i don't know good luck i i don't know what her does say what her job is no okay i don't know what her does say what her job is. No. Okay. I don't know what her job is, but if it's harder for her to get a job where she'd be making that kind of money,

that kind of comfort, all that kind of stuff, when you're thinking purely just financially business wise, work wise, it makes more sense for them to move for that reason, because he can probably get a similar job there. Or if he's not, doesn't want to

be a janitor he could go out and find something else so when you if you're if you're going strictly on that i think she i lean in favor of her yep me too um but he you know he has feelings too sure so yeah so does she she has no feelings right yeah no she's a robot that's what i picked up from all this she's just a demanding robot with no feelings because i yeah and i don't want to diminish anyone's accomplishments but if she's if she's having to do all the the kids stuff too like she's doing the daycare thing and then she's doing all the traveling and that like that's i don't know maybe maybe he can help out on the other end of it maybe maybe it'd be easier if he took the kids to daycare or whatever that is to help her commute then you don't have to move if it's just the drive to work

right if there's maybe some other areas to yeah to make up for the traveling for the job i think we've said this before what i think needs to happen is they need to call in um and we just we just have a session with them in real life and it's like they they throw out all of their things and we just kind of sit there like dr phil no what are you thinking and then we'll make a decision or at least they'll get to say things they probably wouldn't normally say and they can make a decision well megan right isn't that who it was yeah our shirtless daughter our shirtless daughter uh yes fill us in tell us how this goes don't forget to give us a follow-up because this is a very complex one so we'll look for that in the emails because i want to know what happened yeah i guess if you get divorced maybe don't let us know yeah just just bounce yeah we'll understand

okay let's take a look at uh let's just move on to our next segment. Okay. Okay. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple.

Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome! brian go ahead you're gonna you're gonna get sweaty better be careful i already am you know that even when i don't have fingers leather going i'm double dragging i just want to go beat some giant dudes up in a back alley somewhere just looking like always like kind of feeling it out yeah lifting up your everything there was a guy in my school sorry always with the tangents but we have lunch and there was this guy that used to do everything and he'd always look at his arm like he'd move a chair over to one thing and he would catch him looking at his arm i'll never forget this one time he grabbed like a milk like

the the cardboard milk thing yeah it was like a chocolate milk and he goes there to grab it and he lifts it up to take a drink and looks down at his bicep while he's doing it's like one thing when you're lifting up something heavy but he did it when he was looking at it like drinking a fucking carton of milk goofy it's so funny yeah anyway okay so let's see uh so i found a toilet timer what do you mean so it's you know like a game where you flip it over and it's got sand. Oh, yeah. Like a little timer. Yeah. So this is for, it's called a toilet timer. And it's for, like, wives can get it for their husbands if they spend too much time on the toilet.

And so it looks like it's for five minutes. Five minute timer. Yep. So when you see your husband walk in there, like he's going to go avoid his family for a while, for the next half hour, you just flip that over and you time it. And the genius of it is that it's a guy sitting on a toilet and the sand is falling from his... Butthole. Well, it starts as you can see it in his stomach area. And it's falling out like it's a turd.

And it's the sand falling into the toilet. That's pretty funny. For the people that can't see it. And so then you can a turd. And it's the sand falling into the toilet. That's pretty funny. For the people that can't see it. And so then you can yell at your husband, Timer's up! Ding! Whoa! What were the chances of that?

That is weird. Was that your phone? No, somebody just wrote into my... So my email's open on my computer. Mm. And they just sent in an email. And... It's Penny.

Hey! And Penny in the Patreon. Penny in the Patreon, writing some stuff. stuff um yeah no that's a great idea i'm definitely guilty of spending too much time in the bathroom oh yeah 100 i will so my son who's seven now he's starting to grab his tablet i shit you not the other day he goes oh i gotta go poop and he ran into the bathroom and then all of a sudden i hear the door open back up i'm like oh what's he doing he goes running through the dining room into the kitchen and then comes back with his tablet and runs back in the bathroom and he was in there for like 25 minutes he gets it it's exactly a seven-year-old kid yeah so funny sat down he's

like oh i forgot my tablet poops to be a lot shorter if i didn't have a phone go back to going back to the 90s days uh when you're just sitting there and smell like shit. Well, that's why they had books that was like jokes and stuff that you kept behind the toilet. I can't read. I never could. I obviously can't either.

Clearly. I just know that those exist. I knew they existed, but I've never even given them a shot or anything. Okay, should we move on? Let's hear from some of the kids this week. Okay.

Okay. All right, let's hear what you guys think. Really? You want to talk to me? Wow, that's cool. Well, just in that little segment transition, Brian and I discovered one bad thing about these fingerless gloves is they keep setting off my Siri. And yours just keep...

Well, and then you keep saying that, and so it triggers my Siri, and then it records everything I say. And then she goes, I don't understand. She's about to say it right now. Watch. Okay. Waiting.

Oh, man. All I hear is leather glove noises. It goes, sorry about that. You can also type what you're looking for. All I can hear is leather gloves. God, that's sick. All right, so our first email is coming in from our son Brett

Hey guys, Joe I was listening last week to your story about calling in tech support For your furnace Only to discover you left the gas off Sure did, idiot This is a story of someone on the other side of that call I used to be a residential heating and air conditioning technician In the late 2000s

For context, we used You used to be a residential heating and air conditioning technician in the late 2000s. For context, we used to take weekends on call and then an on-call technician would receive emergency phone calls for air conditioners and furnaces that went out in extreme heat or extreme cold. One weekend in the summer, I was on call and we had a nasty thunderstorm roll through late in the night.

So, in my experience, the issue after thunderstorms are tripped breakers and blown capacitors I get a call around 2am on a Saturday To a Karen barking in my ear That her air conditioner isn't working And I need to go there right now I tell her I live a little ways away

And I gotta do a few things first So I'm not wasting the trip And billing her emergency rates Around $175 just to show up Nice guy. I asked her to check that everything was on and running. If not, go down there and check the breakers. She said to get over there because nothing is running.

I pulled into her driveway around 45 minutes later and was greeted as if I had kicked her dog. The first thing I noticed as I stepped in the front door was the sound of air moving. So I knew the blower on the furnace was on. I asked to check the breakers and she said her husband checked them and they were totally fine. I told her I just want to make sure. As soon as I opened the breaker panel, there it is.

The breaker for her AC was tripped. After I reset it, it started running. I hung around for a while to make sure it was going to cool the house off, which it did. In total, I was there for about 20 minutes before I said that would be $200. And since I wasn't there a very long time,

I'm going to give you a huge break on the labor this did not sit well with Karen as uh quote I didn't do anything I was uh I was refused payment four times and threatened to have the cops called on me I ended up leaving and filing my bar filling my boss in on the incident Monday morning from there I have no clue what happened anyway sorry for this long one Brett there's got to be so many people doing these house calls where they get there and it's just some dumb shit it's us it is us but like a like a clogged drain where you just all they have to do is undo the bottom like p-trap and dump the shit out and put it back together and then it's like sorry that's 200 bucks because it's condom used condom used condom in all your sinks every single one of them and you're the parent and you like

your son like your son's the one doing it and like how the fuck you're like oh no and your son that's just how he gets rid of condoms throws them in different sinks well it's like the wet bandits from home alone oh yeah but it's the used condom bandits condom condom band oh man well brett i feel for you i know that happens to a lot of people. Yeah, I couldn't do a job like that because you just deal with it. You want to smack them. She should have gone back down there and just tripped the breaker and walked out. Yeah. Because clearly the husband doesn't know.

Well, she said he didn't do anything. Yeah, exactly. I'll do something. I'll go turn it off. And then charge her for labor because you had to go turn it off. You were originally going to give her a break on. Yep. Okay, you want to read our it off. You're originally going to give her a break on. Yep. Okay.

You want to read our second email? Sure. Okay. This is coming from our teeth loving daughter, Cassie. Hey guys, slash dads or whatever. I was listening to the last show about how funny it would be to have spectators in a medical setting. Well, I'm a dental assistant and we are extracting a tooth on a patient yesterday. It was taking forever and I was thinking about you guys.

Ooh, I like that. Our patient was cool and I leaned into the doctor and said kind of loud, just pull it out already. The patient and I laughed and the doctor just said, that was unnerving. That's a doctor thing to say. Yeah, it totally is. I explained the context and the joke actually landed. Would have been super awkward if I didn't, I guess, but thanks for the last dudes love cassie again again um yeah that is very unnerving which is also a good like a nerve joke right oh

totally yeah yeah because unnerving yeah yeah you get it but yeah just take it out. Come on. Just get it out already. Pull it out. Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs in. God, the peanut gallery in a dental office. Oh, yeah. They're eating sweets and shit. They're walking through glass right at you eating popcorn. Are you flossing?

Are you flossing? He's lying. He's lying. i can tell he's lying he's lying he's yelling about weird shit ah oh well that that felt like a fun show yeah i mean i had a fucking blast i got some just punching air i got some some training in i mean yeah i feel great feel good yeah i feel great i feel great i bet these probably have some weird oil or chemical that we're just going to break out. Oh, that'd be fun.

Because my hands are starting to sweat. I thought you were going to say break dance, and I was like, I'm fucking in. Well, so, I mean, my hands, my palms are sweaty. Yeah. I feel like I'm about ready to sing an Eminem song. But my fingertips are not. They feel nice room temperature. My palms are sweaty and hairy.

You try rubbing one out in these gloves? Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I'll report back. Sign up. Be a part of the gaggle. Reminder to stick around after all the episodes for bonus content. And if you're not part of the gaggle, sign up on Patreon. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast.

Instagram, Facebook. We're on there. Find us on YouTube. It's all under CanYouDon'tPodcast.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast. Instagram, Facebook. We're on there. Find us on YouTube. It's all under CanYouDon'tPodcast. And then send in those stories we want to know about what dumb shit you did as a kid for entertainment. Looking forward to that. Hey, guys, at CanYouDon'tPodcast.com. Along with those confessions, because I'm smelling another confessions episode coming around the corner here. And then rate and review us wherever you listen to the podcast and a shout out for the babysitters that moderate

the Can You Don't Playground on Facebook with about 25,000 motherfuckers. Motherfuckers! Motherfuckers! Alright, should we wrap this thing up?

It's a shower thought this week that I'm happy to share. Are you ready for it? Yeah. Fuck yeah. Well, I just, like, shower thoughts are interesting

because my shower thoughts are a lot different. why do i have two feet sorry all right uh it's not where i was going but yeah good god wrap it up already huh time to wrap it up ready my hands are wrapped up with condoms my fingers all right here we go ready would you imagine if did you know you have fingerless gloves that you like attach some condoms to the hands or fingerless condoms they zip off like like pants that's what it should be the gloves they individually you got to carry them or even if even if they're just Velcro. Yeah. Oh, you get to rip them off for a fight.

One by one. I'm going to fuck you up, dude. I'm going to fuck you up. You messed up big time. Just shove all the little finger leather casings in your pocket. And then, of course, you lose one. Of course, you would. You have like one pinky mizzen.

All right, here we go. If you don't know what either of these things are waterboarding waterboarding in guantanamo bay sounds like a blast yes it does you do what no yeah last week i was waterboarding in guantanamo bay guantanamo my brain my mouth just won't say right now that's That's hilarious. That's so good. Because, yeah, you're in a- It sounds sick. Guantanamo Bay sounds like a resort town.

It does. Guantanamo. Yeah. Guantanamo. It's one time in Guantanamo. It's one time in waterboarding. It was waterboarding. Or whatever.

Oh, man. It's great. All right. Stick around. We'll keep this party going. If you're signed up on Patreon. If not, see you next week. Bye. you going if you're signed up on patreon if not see you next week bye