Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Oysters. High Knees. Bland. Goblin Crawl.

Episode Date: March 19, 2025

When you think of having the ideal birthday, I bet you picture that day involving cleaning up someone else's poop all day long, right? Perfect. Let's talk about that, hiding milk in your school's ceiling tiles, dirty talking during sex about mashed potatoes, where the f***k did the Moses Lake fountain go, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***New Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: Send in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Oysters. High knees. Bland. Goblin crawl. Hey. Hey. Guess what I've got for you, Brian? What? I've got a Rotten Sled update. Whoa, that's a throwback. Found myself fucking around on Urban Dictionary and decided to go check out Rotten Sled, which if you have no idea what we're talking about, that was like one of the early, early episodes where we asked all the kids to come up with a urban dictionary term for rotten sled. And it has 179 upvotes and two downvotes. Who would downvote that?

I mean, when you read the description, I'm guessing that's why you downvote. Because it's the rotten tampon that you pull out that had a little white part that looked like a rotten sled. Yeah, I get what it is. But why would you downvote that? I think that they read and they're like i can't come to this i know that the urban dictionary term that i heard was the devil's oysters any idea what that would be burning testicles okay uh uh it's no oh wait i i something left up in there up in vagina, and then you find it.

That's a good guess. Six months later. It was. So, like, you've heard of spitting, swallowing. Yeah. What about just holding it in your mouth for as long as possible? So, like, you just get an oral cream pie and then just keep it in your mouth for an hour or so. The devil's oysters.

You have to just work around it? I don't know. It seems like a lot. That's a lot. And you kind of swoosh it around like mouthwash. God damn it, dude. Yeah. Anyway.

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We are doing confessions on the show today. We talked about, I think it was probably just what? Last week. We were like, we should probably do some confessions soon. Yeah. We got new merch, and we'll be dropping merch all throughout the month of March. And anyone who buys something

off CanYouDon'tPodcast.com, you will be automatically entered into the You Send or We Send contest, brought back by popular demand where, you know, whatever. Pick a shirt, whatever the hell you want in the store, and if your name is chosen, you can either send us something to sign and we will send it back.

Or you can leave that decision up to us and we'll find some random shit to sign and send it to you. Do not send a switchblade. Do not send a switchblade. Do not send a refrigerator. It could be fingerless leather gloves. That's a fucking great idea right there. Find like a white marker. That's ideal.

Just use your brain and what's legal and not legal to send through the ideal. Just use your brain. What's legal and not legal to send through the mail. Send them a gun. Send us a kilo of Coke. We're just like, sign it. No, you do all the Coke and then you send back an empty bag. Some saran wrap with our signatures on it. Thank you.

You just inspired somebody. Yeah, you lose. J our signatures on it. Thank you. You just inspired somebody. Yeah, you lose. Joke's on them, because if it gets caught, they're in trouble. We're not sending the coat. Unless we sign it and send it back. Yeah. Who did this? Just a picture

of a dick with our signatures on a kilo blow. It doesn't get any more easier to figure out than the incriminating. I never saw this with officer. I definitely didn't take a knife and fucking do this and whatever. This was sent in, brought to our attention by our

sausage slinging son, Ben, over there in beautiful downtown Coeur d'Alene. The Moses Lake Fountain. Yes. Is under repairs. Yes. Good.

Finally. And because we are journalists, we decided to call them. And we're going to play a little video of how the call went. But first, just wanted to point out that it went exactly how I expected it to go. When you call any government anything. Ever. So we called the city of moses lake yep they said this isn't our responsibility somebody else took this somebody else took this over so then they

transfer or told us who to call gave us the number for the wrong number first they gave us the wrong number yeah so then we got the right number by doing again journalism yeah and we called them and they said this isn't our responsibility. They said, we transferred this over to the city of Moses Lake. So while we were on that phone call, the city of Moses Lake called us back and you answered it. And they were like, actually, this is our responsibility. Let me get you to the right department. And they sent us over to the wrong department.

And then that person said, no, this is actually this department's thing and we called them and then they didn't pick up so they did call us back oh i left a lengthy message about how my kids were crushed yeah that they weren't able to see the fountain and all that yeah like you've been telling about first you said i've been telling my kids about this my entire life. Yeah. Which I thought was funny. Like, before you even had kids. Yeah.

I was waiting to tell my kids about this. Someday I'll tell my kids about this. And then I did. And then it was... And you were like... And the fountain was just gone. I said they were crushed. And I want to know what happened.

Yeah. Yeah. So you left a little voicemail. And we got a call back. And we're going to play that for you right now. Hi, is this Brian? Yeah. This is Brian. Hi, this is ****** from the city of Moses Lake. I have a voicemail

from you about the fountain. Yeah. But I said your kids were... Oh, shit. I forgot you can't click off it. Sorry. There you go. Yeah. This is Brian. Hi, this is ****** from the city of Moses Lake. I have a voicemail from you about the fountain. Yeah.

In Moses Lake. Yeah, so, no, good question. We've actually gotten quite a few questions about the fountain. Of course. Everyone wants to know. It's iconic. The previous fountain actually broke, and it was irrepaired. And so it's being refabricated is kind of what's been happening since last summer and it's supposed

to the new fountain's going to be going in they're targeting may because that should be when the water is up to a level that would make it i mean may's right here safe to launch the fountain so yeah there's actually going to be the fountain is coming back i think it's similar i'm not sure if the design is going to be exactly the same, but yeah, it is coming back And it should be there about me time frame. Okay, cool. So be there in time for like Memorial weekend Yeah, they always try to target way before that and so The water starts to get risen about April time frame. It's usually done by the end of it. Yeah, I know I'm from there Yeah, I'm familiar. Will there be any like a cool grand opening or like a parade or anything for it?

Yeah, they are going to be. Once they know exactly when it's going in, it's going to kind of be an unveiling thing. Oh, cool. And so there should be more news articles coming out. And then we'll be advertising because it's a combination of city and Muzzle Lake Irrigation District. And then a lot of the supplies themselves were donated by businesses. So we're showcasing everybody and all the businesses that partook.

Those noises are Joe texting me questions to ask, by the way. Oh, awesome. That's cool. It'll be like a whole community community thing because it's Yeah, it's been quite the project. When you drive across the fill there and it's not there, it's pretty disappointing. Is the fill there and it's not there, it's pretty disappointing.

Is the fill a local term? Yeah, last year they couldn't repair it. It was issues with the pump and the float itself. Your mom's a pump. Disrepair issues. You should have said that. I pumped your mom. Yeah, I mean, it's been a staple, so it's a good thing that they're repairing it. It's all we have.

That's good. I was glad to hear it. Yeah, it's pretty iconic, so it's exciting that it that they're uh it's all we have that's good i was glad to hear it yeah it's pretty iconic so it's exciting that it's coming back okay cool well that sounds great i think that's the info i was looking for so i'm happy to hear that i'm happy to be able to share that i appreciate you calling you're welcome have a great rest of your day. You too. Thank you. Bye. Journalism at its finest. So the reason I didn't ask anymore or go into details, because I left her quite a detailed message. Really laying in how disappointed my kids were and how I was so looking forward to showing them.

And then we showed up, it just wasn wasn't there and they were just absolutely crushed and i was like i don't want to take them back there again and have it not be there see the disappointment those eyes i can't do it twice no you can't and i'll do it once right i mean everyone's okay disappointing their kids one time but twice that's the tough one that's right yeah so m. So Moses Lake, or sorry, Memorial Weekend in Moses Lake's a big deal too. Because we have the sand dunes out there and, I mean, people come from all over the county. To die.

All over the state, actually. People come from Seattle, they pull their sand rails and all four-wheelers, all this kind of shit. Riding dune. And just thousands of people camp out for the three-day weekend people die out there it's right yep uh the question you wouldn't ask is i wanted you to ask if it was byob yeah i thought that might be a dead giveaway that we were fucking with her we

were fucking around this wasn't a serious situation yeah yeah i i mean something tells me we're gonna have to make it over there. Probably. Although Memorial Day weekend is usually Cassie's birthday. I wonder if she would be fine going to Moses Lake. She likes riding horses. She's like, yeah, dude, we fucking rode some horses in Hawaii. We'll talk more about that in here in a second. But yeah, we got to be there.

We got to try to make this happen. So I said the fill. So there's like a land bridge that kind of cuts the lake. So where the fountain is, it's kind of like a little inlet for the lake. The lake's a pretty big lake. It's prime viewing. And then on the other side, and it is what she meant, like the water level, it gets really shallow. And there's actually a machine that has to like clean up all the algae because it's so gross in there um so it kind of

splits the water in half there so you drive across and it's right there so you it's noticeably gone just a vacant hole and when we used to go boating and tubing and stuff we used to do laps around that and get soaked under the fountain and so it it's a big hole. Riding tube, driving boat. That's right, brother. You get it. Well, we might call back, try to get some more updates, but it sounds like it's confirmed for Memorial Day weekend, which is pretty exciting. Yeah. And what was funny about this whole thing is when we called, they said the irrigation district took it over. And my, I mean, that's, that's, I've got roots there. my dad ran that place and

so i thought i was like who am i calling here to figure this out we should have just called your dad oh that was a good sad horn from zach from the other room i'm not sure if it picked up in the microphones that's a perfect there yeah it needs to end on a wind right out of those sails yeah so that's that's exciting news yeah this is big it is big time for most of my world this is big stuff does it get any bigger it doesn't that's the it's the empire state building of moses like yeah uh and some would say of the world yeah some would say all right let's get the show rolling dozens would say yeah at least a couple dozens zach hey shut up start the show already

okay so you made what you made it up yeah i don't know i don't know why this popped in my head but um i have a i have a guess do you like eating and having fucking sex yeah yeah and now you have to decide between the two all right lay it out for it would you rather eat all your favorite foods every day of your life for free okay so like what's your favorite restaurant everything okay just shows it shows up at your door three meals a day, whatever you want it to be Just door dash for free Yeah, it just shows up, you get that

But you never get to have sex Where's that sad horn? It's a little vibrant Or You eat the most bland food ever like just you're basically just eating to survive but it's like you're eating fucking styrofoam flavor just nothing to it like toast no butter and rice but nothing on it yeah okay yeah just it's all but you also have to pay for it so like oh that's okay great you're you're you're paying every meal to eat something like that okay but you get all the sex

you want dude i just got hard we've covered i mean i'm not i'm not a foodie. I mean, maybe I say that until I'm six years into eating fucking toast and rice. Three, four meals a day. I don't feel like fucking. But my experience so far has shown me I got to come in some puss, dude. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, that's just bro talk right there. Yeah.

Like, if you take that away from me, I don't care how good the food is. You're like, good news. Oh. Thought. So, it says sex. Do I get everything else on the table? I would. Like, do I get, I mean, but everything in moderation.

If it's nothing but blowjobs, you're going to be like, miss a hole. I need some different hole. Right? I guess I should have thought more into it. I was thinking more like. It's just you jerking off and eating good food. You basically just have to jerk. Yeah, you get nothing from anybody.

So it's me jerking off in a Red Lobster bathroom. Yeah, but you're eating Red Lobster. Okay, chilies. Fine. Applebees. On a date night. oreo even applebees compared to like bland food every day ever for every meal applebees is looking real good that's what i'm saying like it's it's what i'm gonna i gotta look up some examples of bland food i mean i'm basically when

i say bland food i mean like it's got to have just basically nothing. Like it's just crunchy, no, like a, like rice cake. Okay. Like you just eat rice cakes for every meal. So here's what the Google AI overview is telling me. Bland food includes low fat dairy, refined grains, cooked vegetables, and lean meats. But we have to go deeper than that, right? Yeah. Because I i could get away with it that just sounds like you're eating healthy yeah it does which i'm fine with like if i you know got just like chicken and steamed vegetables plowing ass

whenever i want while you're plowing yeah yeah it's fucking yeah it goes vegetables fruits you're feeding her you're reaching around like yeah here take a bite oh my god that's a that's a thought you would be daydreaming about food so much you're like your dirty talk would start involving roast beef sandwich yeah like mashed potatoes you're like god this pussy i wish this puss was fucking mashed potatoes get some pour some gravy on this puss. She's like, what? You're like, I'm so hungry.

I don't know if I want brown or white though. Oh my God. Yeah. You're having sex. You're like, God, I'll fucking T-bone that pussy. Flamin' young. Yeah.

I mean, so. God, I wish there was a fucking New York steak on your lower back. She's like, oh, tell me about it, daddy.

On the small of your back. On the small of your back i fucking eat it i think it's got to be like uh imagine so for you it's got if you get to choose all of your favorite foods the other way it's got to be all the worst things you could imagine eating the other way the other way okay so it's just like it's not just bland food just shit food it's just shit for every meal you're just like something you hate to eat oh that sucks you're getting through that but you get to plow some puss like brussels sprouts and mustard not even but i'm having sex still too much flavor what but i hate mustard and i hate brussels sprouts okay so it's like that really sucks it out like your attitude is gonna change three meals three

meals a day of that i don't even feel like fucking i don't even want to be around i don't want to be around anymore actually probably be in good shape yeah from fucking so much and you know from all the good food you just rip but you're fucking eating brussels sprouts and that's it there's somebody out there right now it's like fuck yeah if i let's say if i was young like just a young dumb and full of cum that when you're just like you could you're just plowing four or five times a day and not even skipping a beat i mean if you ask me that question then i think the decision would be easy where would you where are you going right now i'm just saying now like come just lay it on me baby well what i me baby Like a thick thick gravy

Come on It depends on the phase of life you're in Like if you're later on You're like I don't know like how often you Plowin Back to you Wait it didn't even play

So for you That's gone I couldn't do it Wait, it didn't even play So So for you, that's gone Like you don't get to do that I couldn't do it I've learned sex is very important It's my love language Rough sex is my love language, you know what I mean? We even have merch about it

CanYouKnowPodcast.com Is it gonna stay rough? Like when you're in your 70s, you're still gonna like rough sex? Yeah, I'll replace my knees for it. Like, I'll get hip replacements to keep pounding. The doctor's like, you're going to have to stop pounding. He's like, I'm going to need a referral. You're going to need a cyborg body frame.

Listen, you're saying cool stuff. Fuck you. Is there a different doctor I can see who understands how hard my cock is? Bro? And he's like, what are you doing here? About to come. It's about that time that I usually... How many of these rubber gloves can I take?

But you have to pay for it, but that doesn't really change. If you're just eating shit food, you're not going to be spending a bunch of money. So, I mean, fucking plain rice cake? No, but I think it's got to... For foreplay? I mean, it's got to cost what a meal would. It's shitty food, but it's got to cost you. Like, that's the trade-off.

There's no loophole here. Yeah, but bland, shitty food doesn't cost a lot. I know in real life. But in this scenario, it costs what a meal would cost. So it costs you $ bucks for a rice cake yeah but you get all you get all the plowing you want so but are we have we defined if it's get blow jobs and hand jobs and anything that's essential you're just you jerk it off but you get all the great food you want first of all you're not gonna be in a relationship you're gonna be

just a blob on the couch jerking off well that's a lot of people out there doing that right now. Yeah, and that's fine while they're listening this show. It's not for me these people jerk off well or Come while they're listening to this I would if you guess we've been doing this show for Coming up on three years coming right fuck it. Uh, I Would find it hard to believe that one person hasn't rubbed one out or flicked the bean while no other show's going on. At least once. I mean, we're 144 episodes in.

I mean, why not? There's weirder things to be doing that to. Yeah. You have permission to come. Yes. I wonder if it, what I want to know is anybody- Honey, can you hedge the lawn? Is anybody out there doing it to this podcast?

Boom. Right. If you're doing that, if you've done that- anybody, is anybody out there doing it to this podcast? Boom. Right. If you're doing that, if you've done that. Hey guys. Yeah. Hey guys. Can you know podcast.com? Okay.

Well, back to Zach, do you have any thoughts that anything that we haven't said? I don't think so. Yeah. You like coming? I do. That's cool. I don't know what I would do. You would, I mean, I'm picking bland food and having sex.

Yeah. It's just, it's just something that has to happen in my life. I'd probably go with food, actually. You pick food over no sex ever again? At some point, the sex is going to be like, I don't really need it anymore, but god damn, a fucking brisket. Yeah, do you like brisket and mashed potatoes? This fucking McChicken. That replaces sex at some point.

Well, yeah, it has to. Because you could still jerk off okay if i get if i get tasty food so i can stop disappointing my wife i mean that's a win-win right yeah yeah fair point i win and so does she i win like i said if you ask me the breakfast bagel is finally back if you asked me when i was 18 something like like that, or, you know. But right now, you just give it up? I didn't give up, but you asked me the, I asked the question, I guess. But, like,

if you had to decide from, like, where I am in my point right now, what's... God damn. I mean, I could go out to a restaurant and eat every night. I love going to a good restaurant. Big fan. Joe said he's not a foodie and I can vouch for that. We'll go

eat somewhere and he'll eat like half his food and just be done. And I'm like, I'm scraping the plate. You're just rubbing your dick in balls. He ate half his burger or whatever. It's sitting on the plate. What are you doing? Half the fries are gone, half the burger

is gone. And I'm like picking at his plate. You's sitting on a plate. What are you doing? Half the fries are gone, half the burger's gone, and I'm like picking at his plate. You're sitting there sweating. Yeah. You gotta make him proud. This is an easy one for Joe. I didn't really think about it until we started talking about it, but yeah, it's an easy one for you. You just thought about that hamburger in my fucking cock?

Hot dog buns. What'd you say? Hot dog bun? Nice. Okay, so you guys are both eating food and I'm having a bunch of sex. Fuck yeah, dude. And it says whenever you want, which is even a cheat code within itself. You're gonna die in a week. Whenever you want. I mean, how much sex can you have off a rice cake?

Before you get lightheaded and fucking pass out. Calories depleted. So I guess in this scenario... I'm gonna be this fucking Skeletor-looking motherfucker. Just so skinny, be like, you have to fuck me. out calories depleted is it so i guess in this scenario fucking skeletal looking motherfucker just so skinny be like you have to fuck me those are the rules just call ganglia fucking 70 pounds you gotta fuck your dick would look even bigger though nothing holding him back i don't I don't know. I guess if, let's say I wasn't married, and it was still all the sex you'd have, where you're just going around and like, hey!

Yeah, exactly. And they had to do it. Come on. I mean, that's pretty tempting. Yeah. Come on, I got rice cakes. I've got rice cakes. You're just eating a rice cake while having sex?

Yeah. Oh, the little, because you can't eat. It's like a nature valley Like those crunch bars You can't eat a rice cake without it being a fucking disaster It would just fall everywhere The bed, the sheets It's all over your dick He's got plain rice cake Chunks all over your dick

Rip for her pleasure I guess it depends on the kind of ladies you're looking for Are you looking for like Plain rice cake chunks all over your dick? Rip for her pleasure. I guess it depends on the kind of ladies you're looking for. Are you looking for like skinny rice cake lady or brisket lady? Yeah. She's like, ooh, that's enough for me. Can I have a bite? You're like, yeah, fucking hell yeah, brother.

I'll make a trade. Hell yeah, brother. All right, well, you guys enjoy your food. I'll enjoy my sex. Should we move on? Yeah. All right. Zach! Hey. Hey, what's up. All right. Should we move on? Yeah. All right. Zach!

Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about? Ah, you know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? What are you thinking about? I'm going to season this ass like a fucking well-done brisket.

Buffalo sauce. God, things I wish I could eat Anyway So I went to Hawaii Yeah, you did I had fun Played some bocce ball I'm not sure if you're familiar with that

If you're not, look it up! I am Never played it though It's very fun And we bought bocce ball to play it And we left it in Hawaii We'll have to get bocce ball for back here No, because it fucking weighs 50 pounds.

We're not fucking bringing those balls back. Anyway, I had fun, did that, went horseback riding. Cassie and Paige talked me into going horseback riding, so I went and did that. You were like, nay, and they were like, yay. I was on an old, stubborn horse. He's been around. We've talked about horse and kind of how weird it is.

I have a hard time riding a horse because they're smart and they're friendly. And they wish you were anywhere besides on their back. They allow it, but they don't want it. They don't want it because if they don't allow it, they're dead. And they won't get food. So they're trained to be like, fine, get on my fucking back. And they have a metal bar that you're just like, come on, idiot. Hi-yah!

Hi-yah! It's like, this is my best friend. And you dig your heels into their fucking stomach. Yeah, how's that metal spur feel in your ribs? Then they run and you pet them. Like, what a confusing relationship. Yep. Move, idiot idiot i love you

anyway so i there's a good boy we did it it was a fun horseback ride out to like this like fucking waterfall pond thing it was it was great i saw a video of your horse peeing while you were on it yeah horse cock squared yeah yeah you joe horse cock was riding a horse a horse while its cock was taking a piss If that's not Pandora's box I don't know what is But anyway that was fun We went golfing

I'm not going to tell you how much it was Because it was fucking disgusting I don't know what golf course Is worth the amount of money It's right in the ocean though right Yeah there's holes on the ocean But there was also a steady gale force wind on some holes that you even want to tee off yeah you you aim at the ocean so it can blow it back to the green and there was a lot of holes it was dead on you know and like i don't know like a standard drive for me is about 280

like i can hit 300 but that's not like normal but 280 is about where I'm at, 280, 285. And the amount of drives I hit that went and then went up in the air and then I watched the ball roll backwards after hitting a drive and then just kind of walking it out. Honest to God, probably went about 150 yards. It was that kind of wind. So that was fun. But then when the wind was to your back, it was hard to not over yards you're like i don't know where this is a nine iron to tee off on a

par three you drive it it's like hey the green like the middle of the green is 340 and you're like guess i don't know if the driver's the right call right here they're clubbed down anyway that's not what i'm talking about right here guess what we're gonna do we're gonna go back to airplanes okay because just like gas stations that's where it confines everybody who normally wouldn't be around each other into a single, like a single container. Right. Okay. And we were flying, I think this is on the way back from Hawaii.

Five hour flight? Five and a half, five and a half, six hour flight. And we're flying back. Cass and I are watching a show and we're like, we're by the bathroom because we're flying back. Cass and I are watching a show. And we're like, we're by the bathroom because we're flying standby. So you don't get cool seats. You just got to get what you get. Don't throw a fit.

That's what every dad used to say. Not just mine. And we're back by the bathrooms. So there's always kind of like a little line where you can see people. And their butts are touching you and stuff whatever deal with it and this lady or stretching some people go in the back to stretch i'm just you're just getting started so when we talk about like a normal stretch situation like you stand up put your arms up on the overhead compartment maybe do like an arm across the chest yeah like you Like, you know, two arms up, right leg aft.

Yeah, aft. You get it. Horse term. Airplane term. You don't get it. If you don't get it, you don't fly enough. Two doors aft.

And just say back. What the fuck you doing? No one says aft. Like a firefighter's like, quick, run to the aft door. What? I left the key, left the key under the run to the aft door. What? I left the key, left the key under the map on the aft door.

Nope, back will work. That place burned down because no one told me what aft means. The front door's locked, try the aft. Fuck you. Only airplane stuff. And this lady walked up and I guess assumed she, you know, watching the show, but I have a peripheral and she's, you know, probably in her like mid sixties, looks somewhat like somewhat in shape. And we're watching the show but I have a peripheral and she's you know probably in her like mid-60s looks somewhat like somewhat in shape and we're watching the show that lady you do um and we're watching the show and then she's just like not moving but a lot of body parts are moving and I was like what the fuck is happening and she's she's bracing her hands on the two seats

in front of me so she's like right next to me like about six inches and she's just she's doing like and she just starts marching like i'll try i'll show up for the watchers calisthenics like so she has her where where am i where am i like this and she's going she's going oh god and then they got bigger and bigger and she she just sat there. He's kicking his leg. Like high knees. High knees. High knees kick like the director of a marching band. Okay.

Or whatever the guy with the batons called. I forget. Yeah. So he's doing like that. She's just doing the high kicks. And her feet are like, I can hear like. You can feel the wind. It's like she's kicking right by my face.

I'm just like looking at her. And then Cassie notices too. And we're just like looking at each other. Like, okay. She's kicking right by my face. I'm just looking at her. And then Cassie notices too. We're just looking at each other. She's obviously stretching. And then she kept going. It was like a solid two minutes of high kicks next to my head. And whoever was sitting across the aisle. Just kicking right by their head too.

And staring straight forward. Because she knows if she looks down, she's going to have people being like, What the fuck are you doing? She's got horse blinders on. And I get it. It's a long flight. Yeah. You got to get the blood flowing.

That's why you just stand up. Is it a 747 that flies? I don't know that information. How many rows are there? No idea. No, I mean just like one row? Oh. Sorry.

Not the big. One aisle way? One aisle. Okay, got it. I think there was like 30 or 40 rows on the way back, but I know there's only one aisle. Right. Okay. So three on one side, three on the other midsize, not one of the big ones with the two aisles

and smashing as many people in there with the nice TVs. And now this, this on the way back, we got fucked. Didn't even have the cell phone holders that fold down. Just had, had nothing. We were holding like the phone or holders that fold down just had nothing we were holding like the phone or putting the phone down on a pile of fucking sweatshirts to try and watch a show uh which is another funny story like we put on a we're like i wonder what this is you know you have all the time in the world you put it on the first scene is fucking and there's a kid there's a kid sitting across the aisle from me and i'm like he's like whoa so he's like held up a hat

to be like all righty i saw a nipple i was like oh he's like, whoa. So he's like, held up a hat to be like, all righty. I saw a nipple. I was like, oh, it's done. I put it down. Next scene is some dude jerking off.

What were you watching? Oh, it was called Tits and Jerk. Ah. It was supposed to be a cooking show. Mm. Uh, about chicken breast or whatever.

it's supposed, you thought it was going to be weightlifting. Yeah, Tits and Jerk. Yeah. Tit jerky. Uh, two. two so the return of the jerk yeah tit jerk harder with more furs so uh yeah so this lady just did high knee kick snack

and had her eyes locked straight ahead i'm not sure if it's for balance or to not avoid awkwardness and she put her feet down and then just just turned around really quick, and walked back to her seat. So she just decided high kicks by the bathroom was the way to do it. How many rows do you think she was away from her? Like 20? Half a plane? Half a plane away.

Yeah. But she's like, I can't do this. I'm going to go back with the weirdos. It'd be ridiculous to do it here. I'm going to go back here with the poor people. Yeah, all the scrubs. Yeah.

Where the kids and poor people sit. go back here and do some high kicks but like you could hear it and i have i have like noise canceling headphones on and you can still hear like the like it would wake up my noise canceling headphones like if you stuck your head out to look she would kick me she knocked you out should have kicked me right in the fucking jaw yeah yeah if i just would have stretched my elbow out Off my arm rest Should have kicked my arm through the ceiling I know I mean it's fine

You said it It's a long flight But nobody else was doing that It's weird to me Some people that just like they don't I mean we've all been in a situation With these people Maybe some a situation with these people. Maybe some of us are these people.

Like, they just, they're like, I'm doing this. Low spatial awareness is definitely a thing. Yeah, and I'm kicking in your face. And a lot of times it's that mid-60s lady. Like, they just think that they can do whatever. And the old man in the locker room just dicks out. It's not even that they think, they just don't care. And they're just like,

I'm just going to do this. My legs need to kick. Like, not just standing up and even bending over and touching your toes. Still weird. Because you're just asses in everyone's face. And now you're just kicking your legs next to some stranger's face. And being like, this is fine.

It's so different from my personality that i don't like when i see that the first the first thing i i think is like what the fuck is this person doing and then my second thought is like i'm gonna kill okay no it's usually like it goes to the other side like oh well they're just they're just trying to do this but then i then i think like what would would I do anything remotely close to this in this situation? I think I was like, no, I wouldn't. And then I think, well, am I being unreasonable to think that this is ridiculous? Or is it weird also, and this is the last thing I'm going to say, is I would have been more fine with it if she actually went to the bathroom.

Yeah. Like, stand up. Like, she was waiting for the bathroom. Waiting in line and doing some leg kicks. Yeah. But she didn't she just walked up the leg kick then went back came back to you sit next to you or yeah yeah did some kicks and then left and then never went to the bathroom if she would have just continued on in the bathroom

line fine but she didn't and that's that's why her and her family are dead. I also give a lot of the blame to the airlines because they cram so many fucking seats into a tight space that it makes you have to do stuff like that because it's so uncomfortable. That's the thing though, no one else is doing it. No, I know.

But I feel weird just standing up. You stand up and put your arms up and you're like... When you get on arms up and you're like, ugh. Because your focus is... When you get on the airplane and you're walking and everyone's seated, they're all seated, you feel like everyone's staring at you when you're walking through the airplane. Yeah, you flex a little harder. And that's why it comes back to, why don't we load?

And I don't give a shit because whatever answer you give is going to be wrong. Why don't we load from the back to the front? We can go back to that. Revisit that episode. And even in fucking first class, if I was in first class, I wouldn't mind getting on last. Because it's like, would I rather sit in

my seat in the airport or go sit uncomfortably in the airplane? Just load everybody from the back and then fill up all the things to the front. It makes the most sense. And then leave from the front to the back. Instead, we're trying to seat everybody in the airplane while stragglers are coming back up the aisle because they forgot my headphones. Yeah.

It's like, they're coming up this way. So everyone's peels off to the side and someone's leaning over in my lap because they forgot something. Fuck you. It just doesn't make sense to me. He's like, you know what? Fuck you. And I want to, but I always do try to think there's probably a reason why they do it.

There is. We covered the science. Remember that? No. You blocked it out? You did a whole thing on it. I think the science is wrong. All the research studies. What was it out? You did a whole thing on it. I think the science is wrong. All the research studies.

What was it, real quick? It was, no, I don't remember. Yeah. We can revisit it. No, it was about alternating between, so it goes in sections. So it's like this section, then the one after it, then it goes backwards, then it goes forwards. And they do like window out. It's not about front to back because they are back to front because

they found that that they ran the studies multiple times and tried to load airplanes and found out this is the fastest way to do it because in theory back to front sounds the sounds the best but it isn't then why do you get up and leave from front to back because that is the most efficient we'll have to we can revisit it we watch the whole video if that is the most efficient. We can revisit it. We watched the whole video. If that's the most efficient, why wouldn't you just take aisle and leave? Everyone in the aisle gets up, leaves, and then get the middle seat and then go that way. Because it would split everybody up. I get that.

We'll go back. Fuck. I want to yell and scream at somebody every time I get on an airplane. I know. I know you do. Why do we travel? Because we have to. You love where you end up, but you put up with so much shit.

Yeah. Yeah. The flight. Hawaii back. We landed at 10 o'clock this time. And then just drove from Seattle to Spokane and got it at 3 a.m. For what? I meant to text you to find outane and got it at 3 a.m. For what? I meant to text you to find out.

Fucking golf? If you had to drive over. We did. We had to drive over because the flight was full. So to make it happen, I picked Pager up from school and we had to drive from here over there and then fly. That's so, you added an extra five hours to your travel. I'm aware. Thank you.

Oh my God. All right. All right. Let's move on to confessions. Brian! I mean, Brian. Confessions. Oh, sorry.

Confessions. Good job, Brian. Traveling is just so, it's the greatest thing ever to be able to travel and to go see different things and have different experiences. But you also endure some of the worst things you will ever see. Aside from physical fucking pain and torture and all that. Starvation and war. All that stuff.

Aside from all of that stuff, it's the worst fucking thing you could do. Like brain cancer or anything like that? Yeah, that's pretty bad, too. The 11,000 diseases that we can have. Yeah, I mean, outside of all of that stuff, it's pretty bad too 11 000 diseases that we can have yeah i mean outside all that outside of all of that stuff it's pretty high on the list yeah is it worse than eating rice cakes just to have some sex depends on how long it's been all right let's get rolling we got a lot of confessions to get to i hate chuckle nuts and uncle secrets. I'd like to remain anonymous, so just call me Karma.

Am I right, Karma? Karma. I was listening to the episode about getting the God-tier cock gobble, and it reminded me of a story. Back when I was in my senior year of high school, me and my girlfriend at the time decided to get Taco Bell after school. Always a great open. When you talk about blowjobs and Taco Bell, one particular story comes to mind. And it's licking shit off of someone else's balls. Yeah.

Just to hide that you shit on his dick. Yeah. Love it. Memories. Not good for the digestive tract. Well, we went right back to her place, and her family was from money. Like, the kind of money where the bathroom has two doors. It's funny, because when I read that, one of my old houses had two doors.

Were you rich? No, it was just a small little house. Her parents went to church, so we decided to fool around. God, the amount of confessions that have to involve church. And fooling around around what we should have been doing was this and said we were fucking yeah okay so everyone you're not wrong when you say all you want to do you'd rather do the fucking yeah i get it yeah well she starts to go down on me and to this day i don't know if it was the taco bell or uh or is it was uh or it was all me i like to

think it was all me the next thing i know i was all me. The next thing I know, I had chewed up Crunchwrap Supreme on my cock and balls. They always say cock and ball. He's a eunuch. He might have one little guy down there. But wait, it got worse. Her little brother was home, and he started to run up the stairs, so I hid in the bathroom. And in a panic, I locked only one of the doors. He then proceeded to open the other door.

One of those two doors, you know. While I was trying to get the fucking throw up off of my pecker. My pecker. My pecker Joe. I had to yell at him. I was trying to take a shit. Hey! I'm pooping in here!

I'm getting pooped, throw up off my dick! And I'd be out as soon as I could. After she got him to go away Hey Come get your brother Hey he's pooping in there Hey honey Come Try to poop in here get your little brother out of here

To go away I cleaned myself up Then still being young I hate fucked her Is that love? that's love brother man i hate fucked her right where we left off after we got done we loaded up and went to church i'm 11 went to church praise the lord or whatever your puke dick son karma sent from my iphone a little call back there i think he did on purpose so i left it in there yeah we did um yeah i mean there's worse throw up on your dick than a crunch wrap supreme yeah i guess i mean

it looks the same just minus the tortilla it's like a a naked crunch wrap supreme i love i love his his like self he's like oh yeah dude she couldn't take it off. She fucking yacked it up. You could gag that. Yeah. Fuck. Like, that's an actual thought. Like, gosh, she couldn't handle this. Are you weirded out by that kind of stuff?

Like, throwing up on your dick? On your dick? Like, would you just be like... I don't know. It's never happened. I can't wait to get this cleaned up and go back and hate, fucker. No. Isn't...

No, I mean, I... I try not to make things... It's cleaned up. Go back and hate, fucker. No. Isn't it? No, I mean, I try not to make things. Sometimes I purposely make things awkward. But in a situation like that, I wouldn't want to make it awkward for the other person. Give me that Crunchwrap Supreme. I want to see that Crunchwrap Supreme drip off my balls. Oh, my God, dude. You fucking like it?

Yeah? You like it when I talk like that? You like it when you fucking yeah? Oh my god, I fucking yeah? Just sleeping man talk? Oh yeah, by the end of this I'm a fucking cum, huh? You like it when I cum? Yeah, fucking yeah?

Oh yeah, my dick is in you? Fuck. Fuck. Fuckin' yeah. Oh yeah, my dick is in you, fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm fuckin' yeah. Alright, let's move on to the next one. You got it? Yeah.

Okay, I've never told anyone this because it's so odd and embarrassing. Yeah. My girlfriend in college rented a basement room a few blocks from where I lived. Most nights, I would sneak in the back door. The aft! The aft door! Since it was a walk-out basement. Okay. And spend the night.

Like a tornado shelter? Yeah. What the fuck? It's like the... I can't, the door is fucking 600 pounds. It's obviously, it's probably like on a bluff, so you can get whatever. But yeah, I want to think it's like Wizard of Oz, where the tornadoes come and it's like... They can't get in the door.

Huge knocker? Oh yeah, the clank, clank, clank, yeah. they can't get in the door. Huge knocker. Oh yeah. Clank, clank, clank. Yeah. Okay. I'll open the door quietly.

It's metal. Honey, I'm home. God. Am I right? Um, okay. Uh,

and I, so I'd sneak in and spend the night. The late, uh, the landlady was very clear to my girlfriend on the rules. You're not my mom. She could only go upstairs to use the bathroom and no boys over. Sounds weird. I had been sneaking over for months. And one Friday night we were drinking and a couple beers and ended up having sex.

Couple beers. Having sex. Having sex. night we were drinking and a couple beers and ended up having sex a couple beers seven seven six the whole time i really had to pee from drinking beers all night that sounds like more than a couple yeah sounds like you were fucking blasted right yeah okay what i was just thinking like how awkward it is when you have a boner but you have to pee and then trying to decide like do I try to do the old like I know what happens down there like you're doing the boner holding it down and pee or you have to plank

across the toilet seat yeah I hear you or worse is if you have to sit down like you have to poop and it's pointing up at your you know it's going to shoot you right in the chin yeah wet your whistle you know, it's gonna shoot you right in the chin. Yeah What your whistle? Where was I?

Catch me a whole time related to pee from drinking beers I used to avoid going upstairs to use the bathroom out of fear the landlady Landlady and I wasn't even her mom. That's even weirder. Yeah, just some lady. Remember, rent's due every, between the first and the fifth, first and fourth month. No boys! What? Reminds me of like that old nunnery. Yeah, kind of like Matilda, Mrs. Trunchbull or whatever. So once we finished up, and I can't wait to go so I can go out to the back door and stand on the back patio, buck naked and pee.

Yeah, I can't wait to go. Yeah, I fucked that up. You nailed it. We got it. It's late and dark, rainy night, so it's not a big deal. For some unknown reason, the, like, 65-year-old landlady appears out of nowhere, right in front of me. Are you a boy? Yeah. You look like a boy! Thunder's clapping. Yeah, with your penis in your hand, you a boy? Yeah. You look like a boy.

Thunder's clapping. Yeah, with your penis in your hand, you look like a boy. She's holding a lantern. Squeak, squeak, squeak. Show me your dick. In parentheses, I'm pretty sure she teleported or something. She has a big-ass flashlight pointed right at me. Despite my panic, I can't stop going.

She proceeds to casually chat with me. Is that a dick boy? You got yourself a dick there? What you doing with that dick? So there I am. 19 years old, buck naked, dick in hand, taking a piss. Talking to this old landlady who has this huge flashlight pointed right at me. I finally finish

up and go back in and never heard anything about it again. Hope you found this as strange and fun as I do 10 years later. Hugs and tugs. Oh, man. Yeah, that's an interesting situation. So she must not have. She must have heard the fucking tornado doors open.

I'm going to take a piss. Okay, please be quiet. I will. Behind him. Yeah, he turns around. Sorry. Fuck. What do you want me to do get new doors where the fuck are we oh grease these hinges jesus christ gosh dang yeah that's funny that is a good one

now i've you ever been caught just like pissing or like sneaking out at someone's house and someone just walks in i've never i've never been in that situation no i i've come close with the peeing before because we used to go to the bar and i one of my favorite things to do is pee outside so like i've i've pissed off the bridge into the river many a time and then i've hit my face off looking looking back on it i mean we we peed a lot downtown and i think it has I have to be on camera. Multiple places, just pissing somewhere. Just talking to yourself, pissing. But never got caught. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a celebration. Very elusive. Zach? I'm guessing that's a no. Yeah. Okay. Off to our next one. It says, hey, Dick Fox and comrade Uncle Zach.

Hello, comrade. Comrade. I just listened to the- Comrade? Comrade Uncle Zach. Hello, comrade. Comrade. I just listened to the... Comrade. Comrade. Comrade Uncle Zach. I just listened to the confession of the guy that tugged his pud while at church with his dad. Speaking of church.

Yeah. It reminded me the first time me and my now wife did the nasty. With his dad. Yeah. So we both worked the closing shift at a Southern California grocery store, so we'd always get off late. Oh, yeah. We both lived with our parents at the time, and I'd always drive her home. Sometimes we'd drive around a bit and talk, park at a place and talk and make out.

We get it. You're talking. A lot of talking. We get it. You're talking. We've been dating at this point for like six months, and she refused to do the no pants dance up until this point. Well, he's like, you're talking.

Hey, you ready to do it now? She's like, no. No. What else do you want to talk about? I'm listening to what you're saying, but I'm just thinking about sex or whatever. Well, we got off work this night, and I was driving her home when she looked at me and said, find a place to park. Nice.

So I pulled into the first parking lot I saw. Okay. This'll do. Ask you a question real quick. Yes. Have you, in your experiences, have you ever been with someone that like they weren't ready so you felt like you had to, it was like you're waiting it out?

No, I wouldn't even give them a chance, light of day. I totally did, yeah. Oh, yeah. Nice Christian girls. Yeah, that's right i remember a little briefing on this at one point yeah nope i've never come across that strictly slots yeah where you're like if she smokes she pokes because i you see tv shows and you like i've never experienced either where you're like you're dating this person and you're just like hey is it tonight tonight and they're like no i can't and then it's because my all my experiences

were like we're drinking or like doing the same zone yeah just like it would just happen and you know it's it's not like a long date with someone you're just like waiting it out or yeah holding it like as a up on a pedestal just get let down early yeah that's what i think exactly yeah so i pulled into the first parking lot i saw and when you know it it's a small church she gets out and into the back seat and looks at me what are you waiting for well you coming or what you already did just thinking about it fuck yeah so i've overcome with excitement i goblin crawl my way to the back seat and start the session of aggressive snuggling. When we finish, she looks out the window and realizes where we are.

She says, you know, this is kind of fucked. I turn to her and say, well, it's about to get worse. Just like your puss. I turn to her and say, well, it's about to get worse. And I throw my used condom out the window and it sticks to the wall of the church. Anyway, I figured you guys would love a good laugh at this one. From your chili can stockpiling son. I gotta get rid of this. And you hear a splat and you look over.

You shine your flashlight up there and there's already used condoms all over it. Just all over the wall. It's like the gum wall in Seattle. Just used condom. The priest wall. It's like the gum wall in Seattle. Just use condom. Just cum wall. The priest wall. Yeah. That's gross.

I doubt priests use condoms. Yeah. Those are frowned upon. No contraceptives. Oh, the, the,

is it dichotomy? Is that the right? Is that the right? Yeah. Like hypocrisy. The, I'm going to go diddle this little,

this little boy. I can't use it. Like the good Lord intended. Yeah. Uh, okay. Let's move on to our next confession. Hypocrisy? I'm going to go diddle this little boy. Raw dog! I can't use a condom. Raw dog like the good Lord intended. Okay, let's move on to our next confession. God. You got it? All right, this is an oldie.

We found him back in the closet covered in dust. Good find. This was way back, yeah. All right. Hey, daddies and Uncle Zach! Okay. First off, I fucking love the show. I've been a huge fan of Joe Dick, Barney, Horsecock, Johnson for a long time now.

Brian's quickly won me over. So you can see this is like way the fuck back. Well, yeah, when Zach probably first hopped on. Yeah. And Zach is the shit. Don't forget that compliment. And Zach is there. I was trying to find where I was.

I smell like shit. Yeah, that's true. I'm writing in with a despicable confession circa 2004. Nice. When I was 19, you're old dumb, dumb idiot. Please allow me to remain anonymous as I am less than proud of this treachery. Okay. I procured myself

Okay, John. John Anderson. John Anderson from Michigan. 555. 555 Michigan Street. I procured myself an all but meaningless job at a local privately owned jewelry store downtown. Learning a bit of watch

repair, but mostly running for coffee and to the post office. Cleaning windows and jewelry display cases. In all honesty, I was mostly just fucking around and flirting with my hot co-worker who was just a year older than me. I thought you were going to say just a year old.

Oh, boy. Back to church. Yay! Sweatshop. Yeah. Do something, baby! Just a year older than me and wandering over to the record store while on my errands. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll be right back. The owner of this establishment was a real gem. Okay. Get it? I get it. I don't know if he meant that but I Made a connection He was in his 80s grouchy as fuck And probably at least a half Had half Alzheimer's Half Zymers

Oh instead of Alzheimer's Half Zymers You got jammed but didn't get half Zymers Yeah He would break the sales staff Alzheimer's. Yeah. Have Alzheimer's. Yeah. Very smart. He got jammed but didn't get Alzheimer's. He would break the sales staff, hit people with his cane, and

often crash into things with his car, and invite customers to fuck off if they tried to haggle too much on price. Quite a legend

looking back on it. Yeah. Let's go down to that friendly jewel store. Jewel store, man. The old fucking Al's grouchy Al's gem bank. In friendly jewelry store, man. The old fucking Al's grouchy.

Al's Gem Bank. In this jewelry store, the safe room was always wide open. Because he grew up in an era where that's what you did. You just left your front door unlocked and all that. He's like, no one's coming in. It's not their store. Right. Old Bill and Joe, they don't hang in.

There were three stores in the whole town. And we all kept them unlocked. And they were all jewelry stores What are the odds? The safe room was always wide open And there he kept hundreds of loose diamonds And other high priced pieces that we didn't have a spot In for the display cases

And tens of thousands of dollars in cash At any given time While I was never tempted to take any jewelry I did consistently subsidize my income with some of the cash. I would grab a $100 bill once or thrice a week. The money was never counted

and never missed in the year that I was employed there. Okay. So if he's doing it once, twice a week, I mean 52 weeks in a year, that's a good chunk of change. If he did it thrice, let's just split it once, twice a week, I mean, 52 weeks in a year, it's a good chunk of change. If he did it thrice, let's just split it and say twice. That's good money.

What is that, 10 Gs? That's twice. 52 weeks in a year. So $10,400 and then just add another $5,200 to that. What, $1,560? Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. What, am I good at math now?

Let's fucking roll. Well, if you did $100 a week at 52 weeks, that's $5,200. Yes. And then double that at $1,040. So, yeah. And add another $5,200 to that, you're at $1,560. No, I said if you- $1,500.

$1,600. I said if you split the difference and say you did it twice a week. Oh, I thought you said thrice. No, he did thrice. Then I said if you split the difference and say twice. Quit doing algebra on the show. $13,000. Got it. $10,000, roughly. Let's call it that.

10 G's. Where the fuck am I? Yeah, that was it. Bonus confession. This place had a basement used for storage of files, seasonal decorations, and other random shit. I would occasionally sneak off to the basement with my hot co-worker, said hot co-worker from before, who I mentioned before,

to do wonderful, naughty, dirty things with each other. Keep the hilarity coming. Check for shoes. Wake up. There's a gas leak. This is really fucking old. Sexy honk. Bye.

I mean, just fucking having some sex, taking a couple hundred bucks. Buy some rice cakes. Dude. Fuck yeah. Best case scenario for this guy. Was he 19 when he was doing that? For a 19-year-old kid, it doesn't get much better than that. No.

Robin Banks. God damn. Okay. Fuck yeah. So we got a quick gross one one and we got a banger. Which one do you want, Brian? I'll do the choice. I'll do the shorter one.

Oh, yeah. All right. So this one's funny because this is just like a perfect example of like just a menace. Oh, yeah. It's causing problems. They're not doing too much, but it's a menace. Okay. Here's a quick one. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. It's causing problems. They're not doing too much, but it's a menace. Okay. Here's a quick one. Oh, shit.

Oh, yeah. When I was in eighth grade, I moved to a super rich preppy town in the East Coast, and I'm from a not so great neighborhood. So here was my favorite way to rebel against all these rich assholes. I would grab an extra milk carton at lunch and go up to the bathroom with it. Well, you know, those most schools, the ceiling towels are just those cheap plasterboards, things that hang on the metal grid thing. You can push those baby up and see all the building inside.

Well, I would just stand in the toilet, open those milk cartons, and just throw them as far and as wide as I could. It took a few weeks, but the smell of that bathroom got worse and worse. Best part is they didn't have cameras in the bathroom, which seems weird if they did. Yeah, I think there's laws against that.

Yeah. As long as no one saw me do it, I was never going to get caught. And I never did. I wonder if those milks are still up there. Oh, well, fuck them. Love you guys. I'm bored!

Just that rotten milk smell God Mixed with bathroom Bathroom shit milk Spoiled milk shit Fuck Todd No thank you I'm so turned on

I know I can see We got this last long one for you Okay Okay It says Hi double daddies and Uncle Zach I'm sending this in anonymously

Because of the nature of my story. It might be mean if names get out. Okay, take it ahead. So I was working at a personal care attendant at a university in the U.S. Doing this job means you get to deal with a lot of other people's daily needs. That's a nice way of putting it. These are not just limited to helping someone dress, cooking for them, or in some cases feeding them, or helping them change their sheets

Although that's part of the story. So I was a PCA for this girl. Let's call her Samantha. Hmm I got a text message the morning of my birthday that asked me if I would come in early because she had an accident overnight Always a fun. Good morning birthday message You like today's gonna be great. Samantha had an accident. I just want to say that people that do this job, it's just like they should have their salaries aren't enough. They should have trading cards, for fuck's sake. They are not paid enough. Yeah. I got a text message about that.

Exhausted because I had been studying for midterms because it was March. I rolled out of bed and let her know that I'd just woken up. I want to take a shower. I want to take a shower myself. That tells you right there that you work in this industry. Before I come there and shower someone else, I'm going to shower myself. Before I shower Amantha, I'm going to go ahead and shower myself. Because I was planning to go straight from her dorm to meet my boyfriend for breakfast

before we both had class she let me know that that would be fine but to please hurry because it was kind of a big mess happy birthday she also let me know this happened because she was on her period happy birthday as it keeps getting better one more time zach through the microphone there it is There it is. As a fellow woman, I really felt for her. Things can happen to our bodies when the Red Death decides to visit us. Some things are out of our control. I rushed through my morning routine and arrived at her door what would have been about 90 minutes before I was actually scheduled to be there.

I walked in and it immediately smelled like poop. And a lot of it. That's a weird place for poop to come from. Now, the only reason I think I was able to handle the situation was because most of my family has been involved in the medical profession my entire life. Bring your daughter to work today. We're cleaning up shit and fucking period blood. Plug your nose. Welcome to work.

My mother worked as a dental assistant for almost 40 years. My aunt was a nurse for 45. My cousin and her husband were both paramedic firefighters. I think the dental assistant probably got the best of that. Best of all these situations. Considering less piss shit blood situation. There's probably some poop. There's always going to be some poop, but just the least amount of poop.

So I've heard my fair share of absolutely disgusting shit, from what happens in the back of ambulances to how horrific people's mouths can be. Thanks, mob, for not letting me get pleasure out of French kissing. Anyway, I drew on inner strength, got Samantha out of her bed and into her shower chair, down the hall, and into the shower. She could independently wash herself so while she was cleaning up i returned to her room to deal with the sheets i was not in charge of doing her laundry thank god she had another pca just kidding they capsed it because it's a acronym but it's funny to scream for that part i really felt for her when she

arrived at her shift next at work. It's like, she's a poor fucking... I changed the shit-covered sheets out for new ones, then returned to the shower room to help Samantha with her hair. We got done with that and back to her dorm room. I'm helping her get dressed, and she tells me that I... Oh, my God. I'm helping her get dressed, and she tells me, when I start looking for underwear, that since she's on her period, she needs to wear an adult to Pence. But she forgot to have her other PCA pack more up at the store the day before.

She expected me to fix this problem for her. Her dorm was right across from the student union where there happens to be a personal attendant station on the first level. Hoping they had some emergency supplies I could beg for, I struck out with my guide dog and went down to hunt down those fucking diapers. In case anyone was wondering, I was not successful. Funny, colleges expect you to bring your own personal hygiene equipment. Not even tampons or pads are in the bookstore there. Turns out she had an emergency diaper in her backpack. Okay.

A little humiliating that I guess ran all over the student union asking people if they knew of anyone who could find an adult diaper, but whatevs. Fast forward to later that night. I had a wonderful day. Nice breakfast. I had a birthday present for my boyfriend. I got the exam back and I received a good grade on that one. And the world was nice.

And it's time for me to go. I wonder what his present was. Probably his dick. Just diapers? Hello? No, instead of like getting her a gift he's like what's my present best sex of your life and it's time for me to go back to work to help samantha go into bed i got to her dorm and she's not there i text her and ask her where she is she says she's in the bathroom down the hall and there's another. I walk in and holy poop! I don't know how she did it. There was poop on the floor, poop on the wheelchair, poop on the sink, on the mirror, on the toilet, on the door, on the walls. Just everywhere.

That's a lot of shit. I cleaned up the bathroom stall, got her cleaned up, back in her wheelchair, and a second load of laundry ready for the other PCA! I was really starting to feel bad for her my boyfriend was waiting in the lounge for me to get done because i thought this was just going to be a quick change into pajamas and help her plug her chair in for the night no no we were both very wrong another shower and then pajamas but by that point she needed to get home because it was about 9 30 and or he needed to get home because about 9 30 at night and he had early class in the morning by the time everything was squared away it was about 9.30 or he needed to get home because it was about 9.30 at night and he had early class in the morning. By the time everything

was squared away it was about 1 a.m. That's so much shit cleaning. I know. The whole time he's just waiting to get laid.

That's what he's doing. He's like, oh man, this foreplay is going to be real difficult tonight. Uh-huh. So the perfect wrap-up

to the shittiest of tales is this wasn't just my birthday. This is what I dealt with on my 21st birthday. It's a pretty iconic one. Yeah, it's a big one. Yeah. I just want to send in this story.

It's been almost 10 years later, and I can finally laugh about it. Hopefully, I've been able to give you all some laughs, too. And heads up, my boyfriend introduced me to the show with the episode that the Would You Rather involved you guys licking butts. So grow up and lick a butthole. Despite that, you still have a fan for life. Easy for you to say. Thanks so much. Keep doing what you do.

Love from a thoroughly entertained crisis counselor. You know what's funny about that is me licking a butthole is nothing compared to what she went through. Oh, yeah. Would you rather lick a butthole than do that? Definitely. Yes. Okay. Cool.

Just want to make sure you guys. If it was like, yeah, we're licking butthole than do that definitely yes okay cool just want to make sure if it was like yeah we're looking we're licking buttholes tonight so you're like you know preparing your butthole yeah you're preparing your butthole a little bit just shaving it crouching over a mirror making that butthole look fucking fantastic shine it up yeah but or do that that's why i said these people do not get paid enough yeah like when i walk in to like a rehabilitation center and the old it just smells like flowers and sprays to cover up shit and piss spells yeah yeah doesn't this kind of defeat the old sexy hospital pornography situation because it's like most of the time it's really nasty people are working and they're

covered in human stuff. The nurse is like, is there anything else I can do? Like, yeah, you can suck this dick after you change my Depends. Hot. Yeah, clean the shit off my balls and then suck my flaccid cock. Super hot. Okay. Okay.

Flaccid hospital dick 14. Hospital floppers Shitballs 8 What would the tags be in that? I don't know Stinky balls Feces Stink balls, clean balls, blowjob Annoyed

Frustrated Blowy And that's gotta be the story That she's just trying to get home to her boyfriend And she's telling the guy It's her 21st birthday And he's like nurses are supposed to take care of the patients Dirty doctor dick down five Floppy doctor dick Paging floppy doctor dick.

Not again. It's my 21st birthday. Doogie Howser. He was younger. I thought he was going to say, do you have the time to suck my floppy twine? Dong. All right, let's move on to some good news. Thanks for the confessions, everybody.

Please keep those going. Of course, there's another confessions coming. We need some new ones. Yeah. Hey, guys, at canyoudontpodcast.com. You guys got to get into some stuff. Yeah, don't know. I mean, just no one is ever going to know.

Just fucking send it in. All right. Zach! I said the right name this time. So you're telling me there's a chance. Hooray. We are doomed. Yeah!

Okay. What you got? This is pretty cool. I'm excited to see. So this was sent in by Richard. And what he sent in was a video. It was a YouTube short of this gal talking about this place. Okay.

And she said she visited there and did a full video on it but so what i did is just looked up if i could find an article so we could just kind of briefly touch instead of watching the whole video okay so basically what this place is is this person invented so this person invented a uh a way for disability people with disabilities to work. So they're robots that are controlled by people with disabilities, and they can speak through it, and they can take orders and all this kind of stuff. So long story short, essentially, they needed to figure out a way to put a use to it. So they had the invention, but they're like, how can we use it? And so what they ended up doing was they have this cafe in Japan

and you go in there, like if you want to go work in a cafe, like a normal coffee cafe, but instead of having people that work. So they're like at home. Yeah, so instead of having real people in the cafe working there, basically what they do is they have people with disabilities working from home, whether it's on a device, their phone, iPad, whatever. They control the robots and take the orders through the robots and go report, put the orders in and do all that kind of stuff. And the people get paid. So you're sitting at home and you get paid to work through the robot because you you know and little do they know they're training

the robot to replace them right two years of thinking your job is secure but all you're doing is teaching the robot how to replace you yeah that's sad well at least they got two years of work yeah that they maybe wouldn't have had yeah the opening of the article says like in japan only 19 of working-age people with disabilities are employed like that's low yeah so this i mean this is a way to who knows what the disability is it could be a mobility issue it could be an anxiety issue like if they're in their their comfortable spot like their personality can come through and they're they're totally apt to do the job you can't talk to people in person yeah but they can do it through a machine yeah no problem yeah absolutely um yeah go ahead i was just gonna say so while the the joke it's funny that they're

training aside from aside from that this is a pretty cool fucking thing to have people that normally wouldn't be able to work get a chance to work. And it's not just that. They're getting, like, interaction because they're talking with customers or doing whatever. However, I think maybe they can talk through the robot. So, like, they're actually having a conversation with people. They're interacting with other humans. Things they wouldn't normally get to do. Actually, there's a video here.

I mean, the importance of purpose is through the roof for humans. Yeah. Like, getting out and interacting and feeling like you're helping and you're a part of something. It's a huge staple if you ever see like kids with down syndrome they them when they get to be a part of like in whether it's a sporting event or some sort of event they're fucking pumped because they just want some sort of like normalcy in their life to feel like they're included and not just supposed to just going to special this special that you're going to special it's like

no you're getting to interact with people just regular folks and feel like you're included in everyday stuff I got to coach basketball that group and it was so much fun they had so much fun more fun than anybody that's ever played basketball yeah dude

so yeah this is I thought it was really cool so thanks Richard for sending this More fun than anybody that's ever played basketball. Yeah, dude. So yeah, this is I thought it was really cool. That is very cool. So thanks Richard for sending this. Thanks Dick! Yeah, another way to go Dick. Another positive use of AI and robotics. Doesn't involve nuclear war or telling you to go kill yourself.

So we'll take it. We always will. I found something on Etsy. Oh, did you you so that's fun the internet is pretty wild depending on your browsing habits you can either experience something super cool or go to prison crazy right let's check it out together as a couple hey look what i found yes that's awesome um i don't i don't always dive into etsy and you know we do see a bunch of weird stuff on there which isn't anything new uh and we do bring those into the show from time to time this particular situation i don't know i was trying to find something just a little little present for pepper she's like huge into metal and

emo right now like my chemical romance she just fucking loves it just took her to see deftones um everything in her life right now is revolves around concerts which i mean i'll take that obsession yeah any day oh yeah i mean to me any it's a lot better than you know being addicted to some other dumb shit. Like, you know. But going to concerts and that kind of stuff, great. So I was on Etsy looking for a keychain for a backpack of My Chemical Romance.

And I think in this same session is where I found from a couple weeks ago that you can do the sex spells. Remember the Etsy witch? And I found this. Pay extra and you'll get the... I don't know who this is for at fucking this price point or why the fuck it's in 20 plus carts right now at

$4,371.19. They're waiting to see if the price comes down. It's a life-size fucking horse. Looks real. Looks kind of emo, too. Look at the hair and the black eyeliner. Hey!

I'm starving! Where are you? I'm so hungry! He bucked him off. Yeah. But it's a full size. Looks great. This store makes tons of just like realistic looking animals.

And I get that you love horses. But for $4, it's by a real horse you could buy a real one yeah yeah and i know you have to feed them and take care of them and stuff and this one will just stand in your fucking yard and stuff i mean you actually got to brush this baby but what the fuck i don't know who's getting this you just look at this thing. I mean, do you feel like that? Where are you? Like, look at it. The hair looks pretty fake. Yeah. It looks like, what's the, who's the guy that sang for Poison?

Oh, Bret Michaels? Yeah. Yeah. I was going to say Bret Michaels, but I thought that was like a famous chef. Look at his hooves. Those are obviously painted on. That's why it's not five thousand bucks yeah they cut the corners i mean but i just if you want to have this horse an ass shot for some

reason just standing in your yard does it come with a giant horse cack i don't know oh it's probably female it's yeah it's probably it's probably retracted in that would probably be a cheaper version kills me they picked this horse up, moved it over, and had its head over the fence. Like, okay, now it's real. No way to be petted. Sure, I'm sure it's great. Worst petting zoo ever. Yeah, the

saddest petting zoo of all time. Dude, imagine someone rigging that. China probably has one of those. That's what I was thinking. Well, all the animals don't move. They paint it like a panda bear. Well, I don't want to know. Take a look at this one.

I'm real. Staring right in your soul. I mean, imagine just having disposable income picking up about eight of these things. Oh, yeah, dude. Built in like a real pasture. Like a real corral. And then just put in a bunch of fake. Be like but like these fucking like people driving by are like these horses always in the same place yeah like motorize their tail a little bit so it just kind of wiggles

from time to time i don't know or maybe just because like a little yeah just a little bit a little something yeah so anyway and put shit on it so flies are attracted to it so it seems real kind of imagine imagine the petting zoo like that with fake animals but you need to draw flies and stuff so you're just like it's pump shit smell through the vents yeah there's like they're making it smell like real they give you the feed and you just like hold it up to a fake horse's mouth sucks it up it goes it blows it out of your hand or or it's like the goat here you put it up there you push the button it's like you get hair turning on and then it gets recycled the food yeah put it back at the front for the next kids to feed the fake horse

fuck anyway oh man god damn what a. Never ceases to amaze. What thing will they make next? That's right. Can I hire the witch to make a sex spell on a fake horse? Make this bitch mine? Spell? All right, who are we doing? We're going with Nelly.

Okay, and what does Nelly look like? Well, four legs. Four legs. It's fake. And I want to fuck it. You can get that fucking horse pussy off Etsy, too. Of course you can. Yep.

You know about it. All right. Let's read and learn about our kids. Zach, you push it. Thank you. All right. Let's hear what you guys think. Really?

You want to talk to me? Wow. That's cool. All right. We're just going to do one me? Wow, that's cool. All right. We're going to do one today since we had a lot of confessions. We sure did. All right. This is coming in from Kat.

She originally sent it in as a confession, but she put her name. Oh. So free game. So free. I was just going to say, unless she doesn't want me to, but she's not here to tell me no. So what do I do here? Don't say you want a confession and then put your name. Hey, daddies.

Is that your confession? Daddy Boyan, Daddy Joe, and Uncle Zach. Hello, my love. Hearing you laugh in the background is my favorite. Can I get a party toot? Whoa! Hey! That! My bad. That is extra powerful.

That just blew Kat's ears off. I was pointed the other direction, too. Oh, man. Quick story for you. Last time they asked for that. Yeah, right. Can I get a party eardrum, please? She wrote in here, quick story for you, or slash confession.

Okay. So, it's a little bit of both. Once upon a time, I worked at a multi-million dollar warehouse company. Oh, just say Amazon. I was pretty high up on the food chain. Okay. You know what they say. It's lonely at the top.

Turns out the line between burnout and loving your job is 2,000 googly eyes. Armed with my $10 Amazon purchase, I mission impossible my way through the HR, the front offices, the break rooms, meeting rooms, bathrooms, department head desks. Nothing was safe. Staplers, boxes of paper, water bottles left on desks, TVs, computers, toilets, photos of loved ones, plants, filing cabinets, printers. When I say everything, I mean it. Yeah, you do. Boxes of product, wrenches in the maintenance department, automated machines, you name it. However, these items were all part of a distraction.

Okay. To this day, if you look around, all of the heavy equipment is looking at you. One of the headlights on the safety bars on the back of the rest of the forks. So that would be a forklift. Yeah. The best part is that because the the equipment consistently vibrates while running so do the eyes they're very hard to see and most of them are comically small but when you're use your headlights sometimes when you look down the beams

there are two little circles out of the middle of the beams my only regret is not using super glue no that's good anyways they still don't know who it was for a while uh was a reward offered for my capture to my fellow geese leave no witnesses my cat oh man love that gotta spice it up i love it when you just you know it's just out there and you're waiting for someone to realize it your boss is like 10 like, $10 million! And you're like, oh my god, shut up. Yep, gotta spice it up. Just like the trains, just like your dad going through cancer treatment, whatever

it takes to make it a little light-hearted. Googly eyes are there for you. They'll always be there for you. I want to see a pair of titties with googly eyes. Look it up. That is for sure on the internet. Yeah, we can't show up, but you know that exists. That's episode 144.

Bonus content coming next. We always keep going. Patreon.com slash CanYouDon'tPodcast to get, I mean, just hundreds of hours at this point of bonus content. You can follow us on Instagram and Facebook. Got the video version on YouTube. On all the social media platforms, just search for CanYouDon'tPodcast. Make sure you check out Uncle Zach and what he's doing over there in Scatcast.

And that's scatcast.com scat with a K. Don't show it! Oh yeah, don't accidentally show some titties. If you have something you want to see on the show, email that to heyguys at canyoudontpodcast.com. And like we talked about at the front of the show, rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts

because apparently people are still out to get me get everybody this is shit you're fucking stupid you stole all the ideas I fucking made them we get a bunch of that shit still

it was my idea I just took it with me fuck you you're a piece of shit god I did it all full thing anyway love you love you too you ready to wrap it up With me. Fuck you. You're a piece of shit. God, I did an awful thing.

Anyway. Love you. Thank you. Love you, too. You ready to wrap it up? I said something. Yeah. You ready to wrap it up?

Let's do it, brother. Okay. Wrap it. No. Zach. Wrap it up. You're too busy dancing. Wrap it.

Good God. Wrap it up already, huh? I got a joke for you. Okay. What do you call a factory that makes okay products? What? A satisfactory. Yeah!

Yeah, dude. That's a good one. It's satisfactory. Yeah. I think it's pretty damn good. Satisfactory. Good enough. I like it.

Get the job done. You sure did. You sure put a bow on this fucking amp. I don't work pretty damn good. That's satisfactory. Good enough. I like it. Get the job done. You sure did. You sure put a bow on this fucking amp. I don't work. All right. Well, we'll see you guys in the bonus shit. If you subscribe on Patreon. If not, we'll see you next week. Outro Music