Can You Don't? - Can You Don't? | Pancreas. Grasshoppers. Egg. Electrical Wire.

Episode Date: September 20, 2023

If you were turned into an egg for one year, who would you trust to keep you safe in order to win a million dollars? Let's talk about that, getting a bunch of electrical wire stuck in your pee hole, the best ways to spend money, accidentally turning off your friend's pancreas, and more on today's episode of Can You Don't?!*** Wanna become part of The Gaggle and access all the extra content on the end of each episode PLUS tons more?! Our Patreon page is LIVE! This is the biggest way you can support the show. It would mean the world to us: http://patreon.com/canyoudontpodcast ***Daniel GoFundMe: https://www.gofundme.com/f/rebuilding-for-daniel-hallNew Episodes every Wednesday at 12pm PSTWatch on Youtube: https://youtu.be/CDeAcm77ZBkSend in segment content: [e-mail]: http://canyoudontpodcast.comMerch Inquires: [e-mail]: http://facebook.com/canyoudontpodcastIG: http://instagram.com/canyoudontpodcastYouTube Channel: https://bit.ly/3wyt5rtOfficial Website: http://canyoudontpodcast.comCustom Music Beds by Zach CohenFan Mail:Can You Don't?PO Box 1062Coeur d'Alene, ID 83816Hugs and Tugs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Pancreas. Grasshoppers. Egg. Electrical wire. Last one. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Probably a good thing because shit keeps getting touched in here. Yeah. Last one. Probably a good thing because shit keeps getting touched in here. Yeah. There's some weird... It happens like... It's the ghost.

It's the ghost. If you know my ghost story, you know what the fuck I'm talking about. But yeah, last episode from this studio, our first studio. And we're moving on. I mean, the next one's pretty much going to be the same situation, just in a different location instead of beautiful downtown cordelaine it'll be not as beautiful it'll be spokane washington right next to the washing machine some places are beautiful in spokane that's true there's some spots down by the river that are pretty nice that's true fine we love our town, damn it.

I mean, I don't care. You can talk shit about it. Not my hometown. I've always thought that's weird. It's like, oh, come on. This place sucks. What? Like, dude, you didn't make it.

You just happened to be born there. Chill out. Fuck you, man. I don't give a shit. It's not mine. I didn't make any of this. I just happened to be born here. What'd you say about America?

So recording some weeks in advance so we can get the studio moved over. But exciting stuff. We're basically going to get done right now and just rip everything out of the walls and get to the next spot. Can we go eat first, though? Yeah, of course. Of course. Something you want to see on the show, make sure you send that in to heyguysatcanyoudontpodcast.com. Thanks to everybody who continues to send in their confessions.

We've got some lap time with Uncle Zach topics that people would like to have covered. Just anything you see weird. Of course, hot air balloons. That can make it. And speaking of lap time, we are doing lap time on the show today. Can't wait to sit on his lap. I got room for you. Get on right over here, little Zachy. Warm it up for me, Zach little zacky for me zach got that kitty cat with you out there she ran away

but yeah she's looking at me chloe's your little lap warmer she's so nice and then you have a a friend that had some natural disaster shit show happen to him you want to give us a little rundown i mean fires all the time in this part of the country we are used to that every august you're like okay let's see how many things burn down that's it and one of them happened to be the house of one of the nicest dudes he happens to be a musician he's a metal musician and an acoustic musician he didn't have homeowner's insurance he saved his whole life to get a house and he unfortunately didn't have insurance he lost his house his tiny house his rv his recording equipment,

which he's a prolific recorder, all his guitars. And so he has a GoFundMe that you can find, and we'll probably link it in the description. Yeah, we'll link it in the episode description. So if you do have that, hit a little heart chord with you, head on over to the GoFundMe and send some money to a stranger. We also have scatcast.com. There's eight spoons made by

the spoon man from spoon works spoon man they're wooden beautiful spoons they're scatcast originals and they're 30 bucks a piece or whatever you want to pay above that and that's all that's going to daniel too okay very good that's awesome all right yeah we will link in the episode description and so many homes were lost this year that was it was sad that was 200 or something it was just a mess you know what's you know how the human thing is is i remember being like god this air quality sucks i can't even go outside without my chest hurting i so smokey while i'm watching football on my big screen tv yeah well under my house roof making it through the ac that i have you know that's like kind of goes back to the last

lap time we had with the with the monkey thing what's it called the monkey sphere monkey sphere like how many things can you care about not those people yeah fuck them well you can care about them but you just forget about them quick yeah all right well thanks for sharing that zach that's awesome what you're doing for uh for daniel he's got a long way to go he sure does but man that sucks um all right we're just gonna we just going to jump into the show today. Enough with the bullshit up front. You guys ready to do it? Let's dive in.

Let's fucking do it. Hey, Zach! Hey, shut up. Start the show already. Okay, I'll fucking start the show. What are we talking about today, bright guy? Well, this was sent in from Abby. Hi, Abby.

Yeah. Dear Abby in from Abby. Hi, Abby. Yeah. Dear Abby. Dear Abby. Would you be an egg for one year if at the end of the year you got a million dollars? What? The catch is that you have to put someone in charge of making sure that you don't break. Oh, boy. If they break you on purpose, they get a million dollars.

But if they don't, you get a million dollars but if they don't you get a million dollars do you pick a stranger or someone you know oh for sure someone you know that's a lot of uh a stranger i'd be like yeah no problem and then the second they turn into an egg and throw them into a wall just throw it in the wall i just squash it whole wind up like while they give me the spiel like i'm stretching my throwing arm. I'm like, oh, fuck. Warming your rotator cuff up. I'm like, no, of course I wouldn't fucking throw you. And like, you know, put my baseball mitt on. Like, yeah, of course I'll take care of you.

Get a spoon out for the scratch. You're already spending money online. Just massive amounts. Oh, yeah, that's great. Yeah, click, click, click, click, click. Get this Lamborghini. But you want to do it like you've got a radar gun to see how fast you throw the egg. You're like, no, I'll take care of you. You're throwing other eggs to warm up.

Yeah, you wouldn't go to a chef, would you? No. Like while they're making scrambled eggs, like cracking eggs open. Like, you could take care of my egg. Yeah, of course. Smack it on the counter. Absolutely do that. Drop it in the pan.

That just reminds me real quick. They, look what I they uh look what i or look what we found whatever the fuck segment's called um there is an egg story oh there is yeah and it's kind of it's pretty interesting little egg theme yeah it's got kind of got an egg thing going on but back to the stranger no way no way what And here... Okay. Here's something to think about. When you say they got to protect the egg, are they... They have to carry it? They're sitting on it, warming it.

Like, do you... Do they have to bring it with them wherever they go? That seems like... They can just put it somewhere? Yeah, you could put it in a safe. What? So you could be like, hey, mom, this is going to sound crazy. I'm going to be an egg for a year.

You're not going to see me for a year. What are you going to be? What are you going to be doing? Are you going on a going to sound crazy. I'm going to be an egg for a year. You're not going to see me for a year. What are you going to be? What are you doing? Are you going on a trip? No, I'm just going to be an egg. And I'm going to need you to put me in this safe. And you'd spend, I mean, you can spend five grand on a nice fireproof, bombproof egg safe.

I don't think those, even safes that are flameproof eventually burn. God. Just thinking the worst things happen and putting your mom or someone you really care about in that position. Yeah. I mean, this is not going to... I'm not trying to tie Daniel back in here. But say that I put Daniel, the guy who's lost his house and everything in the fire. Careful.

I put him in charge of the egg. Careful. Careful. No, I put him in charge of the egg. We're best buds. in the charge of the egg we're best buds he's like yeah i'm fucking no problem i trust him with everything and then the house burns down he loses everything and he looks at your you your egg and he's like if i could smash this i get a million bucks get myself right back on track you'd be ahead you'd be a nicer house yeah you'd be way ahead like your house burning down be the best thing that's ever happened to you and you just smash that egg and you got a million bucks he's not gonna have to face you

like are you dead once it's cracked i would think so or do you like it's cracked and all of a sudden you're like a genie like yeah you like what the fuck bro yeah you have to face you you slam it you cut you could magically come back out you look at your buddies wearing a Gucci suit. Yeah. What the fuck, dude? I'm sorry. I got you one. Yeah, I got you one. That'll help, right? Anyway, reaches in a pocket to answer his phone.

Pulls out money. He's like, shit. Talking to a brick of money instead of his phone. He's like, fuck, dude. Oh, wrong pocket. I'll catch up with you. I'll catch up with you, right? Yeah.

That'd be H-lit, am I right? He drives off in a fucking hummer stretch limo like fuck daniel he's not even riding in the stretch limo he's driving a stretch limo he just always wanted to drive a stretch limo he owns an egg factory yeah well you would you'd have to at that point incredible edible egg i love how that if you crack the egg uh you reappear so now you have to face that person that because that makes it okay i like that because then it's like you reappear and you're like dude what day is it and you're like that changes it's been three days and you're like good god you lasted three days yeah

it's been one minute oh fuck you're in this giant mansion. Itty bitty living space. Look at this place. Itty bitty. Phenomenal cosmic power. Itty bitty living space. But yeah, you've got, you just reappear at this guy's mansion. Check it out, dude. Yeah, dude. Look what I got. Sweet.

Pretty cool. Where's my room? Well. You can have the pool house. Well, all the sex workers took the top floor. Yeah, all the sex workers. So, I mean, you can stay in the bathroom. They're paid through the next year.

You can stay in the 13th bathroom downstairs. It's right down there on the left. It's only a half bath. It's the 10th left. Yeah, it's the 10th left down that hallway, bud. And please take your shoes off. I want you to track an egg everywhere. You peasant. Good night.

Stranger, no way. I'm not missing something right exactly you see anything on why you would ever give an egg to a stranger that someone doesn't like they don't give a fuck about you you have shitty friends and family like yeah but all you need is one good friend yeah i would never choose the stranger yeah but what if you went to like the the uh dalaiama or something? Ooh. Like some guy that just doesn't care about wealth or... I wouldn't go to a priest. I wouldn't go to a priest.

I would go to the guy from Reading Rainbow. I would go to Lamar. Reading Rainbow. I can't go in. But yeah, go to someone that's like pious as hell and... Pious in the sky something something to fly

if something look it's in a book reading rainbow take a look oh yeah that was one of those something

take this egg just give it to an ostrich they protect it well that's the thing like yeah an eagle give it to a hen you know that just it well that's the thing like yeah an eagle give it to a hen you know

that just it'll just sit on there protect this with your life mhm they will too right yeah but you can just kick in chickens that's true

fuck chickens they're so stupid so let's say I mean I love chickens you know what I mean I think it's not good fighters like kick them they're not good fighters

let's say you went to a family member let's say your brother or whatever and you're like here's the you give him the whole spiel. Would he be like, well, Joe will forgive me. If, yeah. Because he's family. I'll give him, I'll give him 20,000.

Yeah. So you think, well, I'll find a family member, they'll do it. But will that family take advantage of the situation? They're like, he'll understand. And because I'll cut him in on it. Versus going to someone who's... I'm trying to think of somebody who would just be completely selfless. Your parents?

Yeah. But I guess that's... Go to your mom. That's what I was going to say. My sweet little Joey. She'll tuck you in, tuck your little egg in at night. She will. Put a little egg pillow under you. Like, goodnight joey can't wait for you to not be an egg um which they said the same thing you know when they're pregnant right um no but your mom

say of course honey i will guard this with my life she dies and then people are coming in to like clear out the house like what the fuck is this and they find it blow the safe up yeah they get a million dollars they're like what the fuck what happened well could you imagine that it's like us finding the peaches you know and then the thing like someone just finds an old egg yeah immediately throw it against the wall yeah see what it smells like what's so special about this egg it's like on a it's in a gold chalice with a little pillow. Yeah. It's a fabulous egg. Well, it's like Willy Wonka. Little blanket.

She was a bad egg. Bad egg. Bomp, bomp. Veruca Salt. Bad egg. She was a bad egg. Okay. So it's going to a loved one.

I would go. I would make a deal before. I'd be like, hey, mom, listen, you take care of this egg. I'm going to give you $250,000 in one year. I don't even think that would matter.

She's like, this is my baby Joey. I know. Let's just take mommy out. She's a kangaroo. A friend. You just make that deal. Here's what it is. You're going to get royalties.

Just keep this egg alive, and you'll get a quarter of a million dollars. And then I just wouldn't even tell them, and if they broke it, they'd get a million. Definitely don't do that. I think that has to be in the cause they have to know that's the binding contract yeah find out who your friends are and i like the idea that they could like what if they had to take it with them everywhere that would definitely change like you have to keep it stressful keep you in a pocket and if you died like let's just reverse this you had to bring it everywhere and if it broke you killed the person that was in the egg i also love that that idea of it i love having to face them

but at the same time like yeah if i get this thing cracks they're dead i just sit in my house with a little throw pillow for a year for a year knowing that on the back end i'm gonna get some get some money you'd go nuts yeah but you get some money You'd have so much money For therapy That's true Like endless Better help therapy sessions Yeah

They'd like You'd be blowing their phone up Like god This is the 20th time Joe's called today Hey what's up Barbara It's me I just want to talk about

Babs What's up Babs What's up Joe Fucking 2am So I'm still at home Still at home This egg I just want to talk about The egg again Iss what's up joe fucking 2 a.m so i'm still at home i just want to talk about the egg again is that okay i'm so lonely i love it it's it's like is it really an they think is it the egg that's the problem yeah i think i think that's the problem but no it's like it's

like okay what what does the egg mean it's just an analogy for you it's like okay explain what the egg is the egg no it's an a it's an egg it's a it's white i know i know what an egg is to be honest with me what's the thing what's the drama we have to bury the elephant in the room it's an egg the elephant's an egg i'll send you a picture if you i mean no honey i can't give you my phone i know but just let me send you a picture of an egg. Just let me prove it. Let me prove it. This is not an analogy. Why don't you just bring it and show me?

Here's the thing. I can't bring it because if it breaks, my friend dies. I don't think I'm the right therapist for you. Yeah. I'm going to get you transferred over to Kathy. Let me get you this number to, yeah. To Kathy. She's an egg specialist.

Beep. Egghead. She's an egghead. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Egghead. She's an egghead. Hey, Kathy. Hi. Bab sent me.

I've got an egg. Yeah, I'm going to give it to my mom. I'm going with mom. Zach? My mom's dead, so no, I don't know. Oh, that's a bummer. I would give it to my wife. I could trust her. And we'd split it anyway and then i just i'd turn it into a movie i'd be trying to find that egg and smash it oh yeah keep that you have to keep that a secret because if you're like don't tell anybody if you smash this egg you get a million dollars yeah all right good night good night and the second the door closed i walked back in and

smashed the egg third people People break it into your house A million bucks you could buy some new friends Someone goes into your house to rob the house And they You know you call the cops It wasn't ransacked they didn't take anything Oh no They run in and open up the safe

The egg's gone Jerry What? Was it a dinosaur egg? What the fuck's going on? There's that one. I hope that people out there know what I'm talking about. There's a TikTok video of an emu.

And, like, it's overdubbed about, like, someone stealing the eggs. And he's like, everybody get your head down! And he's like, it's just the neighbor's car backfiring. Like, they're coming for the eggs! And he's like, we're fucking running off into the woods. My God, the way that, you know, because you know the way emus run.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Just like, the head's like, waving around. And he's like, get them down on the ground! He's like, calm down! They're coming for the eggs! And he's sprinting away from the camera.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, you gotta look it up. Fuck, I feel like I just have to show you guys at least right now. Let me see. I'm not sure if I've seen it. Okay. It's one of my favorite viral videos I've ever seen.

Was the guy that did it named Greg? Yeah, maybe. Emu and Greg. Legal Emu. Liberty. Oh, no, it's Doug. And Doug. And Doug.

All right, here you go. Oh, my. That was a gunshot. Everyone get your, my. That was a gunshot. Everyone get your heads down. That was a drive-by attempt, Frank. Kenneth, that was a neighbor's car backfiring. They're coming for the eggs. Kenneth.

They're coming for the eggs. He runs right up into the camera. Go, God. I got to watch it one more time. What were you going to do? Oh, my. That was a gunshot! Everyone get your heads down!

Kenneth, Kenneth. That was a drive-by attempt, Fred! Kenneth, that was a neighbor's car backfiring! They're coming for the eggs! Kenneth! They're coming for the eggs! Anywhere. It's one of the best I've ever seen.

Oh, God! That's why I love birds. The way they run is, it's like chickens. They run like that. Yeah. But when you drop it by a camera, it's... And the way he turns around, his head's still facing the camera. His body's running away.

That was a drive-by attempt, Frank! That was the neighbor's car backfiring. Coming for the eggs. Oh, good stuff. You gotta look it up. I promise you, you'll laugh. Okay, let's move on to the next thing. for the eggs. Good stuff. You got to look it up. I promise you, you'll laugh. Okay, let's move on to the next thing. Love the internet.

I'm excited about it. You tell Zach to do it. No. Please try it. Zach, will you roll the thing? Hey. Hey, what's up, babe? What are you thinking about?

You know, nothing. Actually, you know what? I'm thinking about a lot of shit. What are you thinking about? If things go as planned for the new studio, we're going to have different chairs. How excited are you about that? I'm so excited. Because these ones, I think mine's getting louder.

My ass hurts and my back hurts. That's from something different. Yeah, getting fucked by the chairs. Oh, yeah. I mean, stool this, stool that. I appreciate your kind bedside manner, too, by the way thank you for not yelling at a zach oh yeah okay i'm classy okay wow take that buddy fuck bedside manner buddy they're coming for the eggs all right what are we doing for that uh okay this is uh i love when this one gets what oh yeah little shoulder Look, it's... What? Oh, yeah. Little shoulder.

Oh, nice. Nice work on the camera there. Yeah, it's good. Good 90s cuts. This is... We're going to talk about this little clip from a show. Okay. This guy called in the BBC to talk about something. I was at a house party with some friends a few years ago.

And a friend of mine that was playing the music connected to his phone, which is also connected to his insulin pump and his blood glucose monitor because he's diabetic oh god i wasn't a big fan of his music so i uh instead of getting his passcode i just turned off his bluetooth and connected mine about half an hour later he comes and finds me he goes tim do you turn my bluetooth off i went uh yeah he goes dude you turn my pancreas off that gets all my things up and his and that so then the host rambles on what in the fuck but i i heard that and i just started i started thinking like it's so like bluetooth is amazing right, it's crazy. But the idea that, like, technology can be so fucking amazing and groundbreaking. And this dude could have just died because his Bluetooth got turned off on his phone.

Right. Yeah. I have these. That's how fragile his life is. Did you shut off my pancreas? Yeah. Hey, bro. Did you shut off my pancreas?

Yes. The, like, having a... What the fuck is it called? With the heart tick. Yeah. What's it called? Oh, uh, yep. The pacemaker.

Pacemaker. Pacemaker. And it runs, like, on a watch battery. Yeah. It's like, just fucking what? Yeah. Like, ah, I gotta go back in for surgery. The battery's about to die and the thing that's keeping me alive.

Yeah. And it's just you know a little battery like all the crazy things they have and the things that keep you alive it's like if the battery goes out or the sun goes down or if you stand next to like a a magnetic wall yeah it's gonna suck the battery the wrong way and kill you don't use the microwave yeah don't don't microwave your chest like what it what? It's almost like it's a game. It's like, how fragile can we make this thing that's keeping somebody alive? Getting the pacemaker put in.

Like, okay, no, we got you. This will be solved. But the pacemaker is like, how much risk do you want? Because we can give you this battery. One through five. One through five. Like, do you want to live on the edge a little bit? Yeah, we can live on the edge.

Because we can give you these two tiny watch batteries that kind of look like the snakes that you let off on 4th of July. I mean, that's high risk. Yeah, that's a farce. Or we can give you this new one, and it just brings out this brick fucking... This is extended. It'll give you 30 years, and you'll be totally safe. But it's got a 30-year warranty.

30-year warranty is totally fineyear warranty. It's totally fine. Or you get these tiny little guys. Yeah. And you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. You don't know when they're going to go out. What do you think? I mean, do you even like your life? Do you like to live dangerously?

Mm-hmm. And everyone picks that one. The tiny, yeah. He's like, no, the other one doesn't exist. Just kidding. Just kidding. And this is all we have. This is the best we have.

And then squish the pass out medicine in. Mm-hmm. Whatever that is. Squeeze the bag. You actually don't have a choice oh oh running running his fingers down the tube to get make sure it all gets in yeah you go clean it up go to bed you'll wake up with a fucking tiny battery heart it's like a tube of toothpaste they're like rolling pushing it out go to sleep um yeah it's this the like the achilles heel of things has always been really funny to me yeah like one tiny thing i know i've talked about this before but uh war of world or war of worlds right the book but it's also a movie with tom cruise

and crazy robots that take over the entire planet and the cold like they just get the cold the common cold and it kills them all like that type of shit it's the same thing with technology and medical stuff um it's kind of weird because that movie they're just indestructible they're blowing everything up killing everybody and then all of a sudden it just sort of ends and then it's like they got a cold yeah like what that's it i've had this thought about a couple things i'm looking at recording equipment and this happens all the time like you have this piece of equipment that's thousands of dollars and then the fucking fuse blows and you can't record that day because the 45 cent glass tube thing was like spark plug in a car yep shin splints yeah like you could be in the

super bowl and you worked your ass off and you have a turf toe. Oh man, my big toe hurts. Guess I won't play in the Super Bowl. Like it just hurts so bad you can't do it. Yeah. That's a little shin splints. I tried to explain that. Like, oh my God, my fantasy football player is on the injured reserve list.

What happened? You look it up and it's like, owie tummy. Owie tummy. Yeah. Oh, my little pinky broke. I was going to use that. Get the fuck on the football field. I was going to use that as my example.

I had Antonio Gates as my tight end one year. And I had, what's his name? The quarterback for Chargers. Turf Toe? Jesus Christ. Rivers? Yeah, Phillip Rivers. Nice.

So I had Rivers and antonio gates and antonio gates got um the the heel thing uh he didn't sleep he didn't sleep well yeah uh he was tired i forget what it's called now i'll think of it but anyway he was leading the league in touchdowns and i'm getting two touchdowns every time and then he didn't play he made it like four weeks And then he got fucking turf heel. Anti-plagiarism. Whatever the fuck. What is it?

Anastasia. Help me out, Zach. Is that a movie? Anastasia? It's anti-plagiarism. Antifasciitis. Or plantar fasciitis. There it is.

Antifasciitis sounds like a political movement. It does. Antifasciitis. Or plantar fasciitis. There it is. Antifasciitis sounds like a political movement. It does. Antifasciitis. Who you fighting for? Antifasciitis. Just fascists. People that are against fascists with bad breath. Right.

They have different facets. Yeah. Anyway. Plantar fasciitis. He got that. And it fucked my whole year up. I was going to win the whole thing. Anyway.

But yeah, like Star Wars, the fucking Death Star. You have this massive base that's indestructible, except for a little hole with a laser. One little sliver. Like, are we ever going to finish this part of the Death Star? I don't know. It's not in the budget. Yeah. I don't know.

We ran out of money. I mean, is anybody else going gonna make it through this alleyway without getting shot by that who's gonna see that no i talked to darth yeah he's good it's coming down from from darth himself and he said leave it it'd have to be some space wizard or some shit he's like he's like he didn't want to deal with it he put you know he choked me he air choked me when i asked about it so i'm not fucking asking again you'd have to be like the most powerful jedi ever to ever make this work excuse me like asking for help or something that you need like you're running out of toilet paper on the on the death star and somebody has to go into mr darth's office excuse me mr vader

takes his helmet off excuse me excuse me um i know you're busy darth um yeah and you just hear that Um but we're You know I mean we have so many floors And there's so many bathrooms And we just ran out of toilet paper He's like

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He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He He every shitty bunch for everyone i'm enjoying this darth vader voice you're trying to do i don't even know what he sounds like i didn't watch star wars i just know he exists you don't watch star wars he sounds like james earl jones thank you um not you that's yeah that's that's darth vader buddy yeah james earl jones yeah i don't even know who that is holy yes you know who james earl jones and quick just quick thing before we move on to dick because whenever i think about this i love to share it because it's just it is just so funny to me. And I do not remember for the life of me, and I've tried to look it up. I can't find the comedian that did it.

But going back to talking about the heat, like Achilles heel, and you're like, oh, I'm just too tired. But this one comedian, it might not have been a comedian, might have just been a talk. But anyway, he's like, he goes, I just, everybody today everybody today you know with all like the medications for like all these things that are pretty human like they're pretty human things but they're being looked at as like something that should be curable and not just something that you need to learn how to how to handle and he goes i just can't picture people working on the railroad and they're sitting there because you know clang yeah clang and it's 150 degrees and clang and he stands up and he's going good i can't work today the guy turns and goes why not he goes i'm sad

i need a i need a self self-care day or. He just throws his hammer down. He's like, I can't do this. What's wrong, Bill? I'm sad. I don't want to be around anymore. I'm sad. I don't want to be around anymore. You just don't see that.

Yeah. You just don't get to do that. Yeah, you didn't get to do that then. What's that called now? That happens now. Depression? Well, no, but there's like a there's a like the the gymnast when she didn't perform what is this a joke no i know you're talking about i think

simone biles she she didn't perform she got like a performance anxiety or something oh yeah but then she there was a term that everyone was throwing around at that time. Quiet quitting. Um, quiet quitting. Is that a real thing? It's like, it is. It's called, um, pouting.

I'm kidding. Uh, I don't remember what it was, but it was like a term. Like I, yeah. So trying to picture someone like that, like they're going into battle.

It's like the North Saxons. It's like, they got like, what, why? Come on, run. He's like, I like what why come on run he's like

i just got a little performance anxiety you got a lot on my mind right now yeah yeah we all do grab your fucking soul probably gonna die yeah we're gonna die he goes i know that's really that's really scary yeah so it's it just fucks like what are we even doing this for you know why are you raising your voice can we just talk about this yeah what are you grab your sword and go stab i want to have a meeting with hr yeah he's like i don't like that i don't like your tone i don't like your tone you're making it worse lieutenant grant ulysses you're making it worse can you please keep your voice down you're literally spitting in my face. Like, I get it. I'm supposed to be a big, scary guy and go kill some people.

I'm just fucking nervous. I'm nervous. I didn't sleep well. I didn't get enough food last night. I got diarrhea. I can't fight. Lactose intolerant. I can't fight today.

I can't fight today. I'm gluten intolerant, and all we eat is bread. I don't know. The vibe's off. What's wrong? I don't know't know he's not feeling the vibe yeah we're it's we're raping and pillaging i don't want to do the raping part i just don't i just don't like the vibe of this yeah he's like i'll do the pill i'll do the pillaging right just not into the other i don't want to do the other things like well no raping pill, you have to do both things. It's a combo thing.

Yeah. It's not a, we're just going to pillage. You have to also do that. This isn't like a pick and choose buffet, buddy. Right. We're doing both these things. It's not all a cart. Yeah, all a cart.

Raping and pillaging? Yeah. There's only two things. You got to do both. He's like, I'll just meet you on the ship. Yeah. I'll wait here. I'll do it next.

The next village. I'll do the next village. I'll do the next the next village i'll do the next village next i just didn't sleep well i can't do it i did so much raping and so much pillaging yesterday i'm fucking exhausted i'm i need a little more sleep i'm all pillaged out i'm all pillaged out he's like fine he gets all fed up about walks over sets a hut on fire you know how many people you would love the opportunity to rape and pillage and here you are not raping not pillaging just being sad you're pathetic got gukanaka whatever the fucking ibar was dying to come out he was begging he was basically grabbing my leg

as we took off from port i should have brought him just, I knew he would be raping and pillaging. You're not fucking being so nervous. He would be balls deep right now. Having diarrhea and fucking sad about it. God, I'm never bringing you another raping and pillaging adventure ever again. Next time we go rape and pillaging, you're not coming with.

You're not invited. Get on the boat. Go get on the fucking boat. But like the idea of him throwing a little fit too it was like fine dude like stomping a teenager big furry boats and his torch he's like but grabs like a like a gold candlestick and sets a hut on fire and turns around he's like there you have there you go i'm doing it walks over like squeezes someone's boobs. I'm having so much fun You happy you're fucking happy

Me and he's just like god damn it. I know that dad look. Yeah. Yeah I'm not mad I'm disappointed Look at me, raping and pillaging Walking up like goes up to a girl. Yanks her necklace off. Ooh, I got it. Squeeze her butt. Oh, so much fun. Are you happy? Does this make you happy?

He's, like, kicking over fucking shit in the hut. Oh, this is what we do? I'm a Viking. God, it's embarrassing. All right, let's move on. We got to get something to dick. Does that sound good? Yeah. All right, dick stuff! Is it dumb? God It's embarrassing Alright let's move on We gotta get some dick Does that sound good? Yeah

Alright Dick stuff Is it dumb? Is it interesting? Is it cool? Then it's dick Dick Alright

Let's do some dick stuff Yeah Oh okay Oh you mean like this? Locks a family inside and sets it on fire? They're screaming? Do you hear them screaming? Oh, they're so scared.

This is so stupid, Dad. I just want to go home. I'll gather. I'll play guitar. I want to do something with my life. What's the little guitar they used to play? Mandolin? Mandolin, yeah.

Ish thing? Listenolin? Mandolin, yeah. Ish thing? Listen to the mandolin. I like the idea of just a teenager, because they were in war when they were 13. Like, just a 13-year-old throwing a fit, because he's got to go to war. That's just so funny to me. On my friend's birthday! I'm going to miss my friend's birthday! God, can I just rape and pillage next week?

So fucking stupid. God, can I just rape and pillage next week? So fucking stupid. God. Dragon is heavy sword behind him. God. Pick up your sword. Pick up your sword. He fucking got it. Like this.

You know how much money that cost? Denari or... Denarius? Delorean? Fucking Delorean? Got it. Like this? You know how much money that costs? Denari or... Yeah. Denarius? Drachmi or whatever. Fucking DeLorean? How many DeLoreans that costs? All right. Okay, go.

What are we doing? This is... Oh, someone sent this in and I... Did I write it? Yeah. Oh, it's from Gabe. Okay. What's Gabe doing?

Our kinky son, Gabe. Oh, what's up, fellow kinky Gabe? Yeah. He says Gabe more like gape. Am I right? did I write? Yeah, it's from Gabe. Okay, what's Gabe doing? Our kinky son, Gabe. Oh, what's up fellow kinky Gabe? Yeah. You mean Gabe, more like Gabe. Am I right? Am I right? Still got it. Yeah!

Laughing my ass off right now. The way to get through the, the way to get through the forced anal sex with the mystic. Oh yeah, the mystic being. I remember that. Okay, that would you rather. Is to be as creepy.

Okay. He'll talk dirty and, yeah, set this up. It was the guy that was like with the, I remember that Okay that would you rather Is to be as creepy Okay He'll talk dirty And yeah Set this up It was the guy that was like With the He would show up Randomly

And just Fuck you It was like Twice a week Five minutes Aggressive pounding And there's nothing You can do about it

And he would talk dirty And all that Okay He'll talk dirty And imagine He gets pleasure From the control So embrace it

Okay Just say weird shit Wearing fingerless gloves And a ball gag Okay I think creeping out will get you uh get you out of it or just make it worse either way it'll be better than fucking sandpaper haha that's true uh not done with the episode yet just want to drop this off okay so i made a comment and then he sent a link to a buzzfeed article all right i started going through some of these and they're so funny. Go ahead and open this up. So it's 25 truly surprising things

that people have actually said during sex. You need a little playbook? You're like, okay, no, I mean, he's got a good point. Gabe's got a good point. Let's see what,

some things I could say. Okay. So, number two on the list. Okay, I'm just going to look at your computer. Right before he finished, he called me by his mother's name

then started crying. i started crying what oh man what a bummer like imagine what's your mom's name katie kathleen if we're gonna yeah that's katie doesn't that sounds like a young kathleen that's more kathy did you just say cat did Did you just say Katie? No, I said Master Beatty. Yeah. You kind of flip that. Kathleen, there's nothing else. It was clearly. It was clearly Kathleen.

Yeah. You can't learn that. I'm so sorry, Mom. I wonder if she died or something and then you missed her. God, that's weird. There's some weird shit that happens out there. During freshman year, my boyfriend and I were getting down. When he suggested we roleplay as Vladimir Lenin and Anastasia.

He then proceeded to recite biographical facts about Vladimir Lenin and the worst Russian accent I've ever heard. Weirdest 90 seconds of my life. No. You have mini scruple? You want to roleplay as LARPers? She's like, what's that? You're like, you're going to love it.

You're going to love it. She immediately pulls out from underneath the pillows a fucking foam knife, foam sword. Here, you take this one. You start whacking her in the face with it. Defend yourself. Defend yourself. Defend yourself. You're dead.

Use this pillow as a shield. Oh, you can't use that arm anymore. That sounds like playing with my kids. Oh, okay. Your arm's gone. You're dead. Use this pillow as a shield. Oh, you can't use that arm anymore. That sounds like playing with my kids. Your arm's gone. Uh-oh. Pussy's out of order. Gotta use the other hole. Like, what the fuck is happening?

Okay. All right. Next. All right. He started talking to the ghost that we're apparently watching. He claimed to be like the kid from The Sixth Sense. So he's just like like there's an invisible ghost audience watching him plow oh man writing them on i love the idea of both people having the

sex um like being familiar with the ghosts and they're just so fed up with it like please keep the door open like and he's just slowly closing cleep and you're like you're you know you're already having sex you're like please please don't close it i need to hear the baby crying and he's like like a dickhead ghost and he's like and then it opens up a little bit he's like thank you and then a little bit further and then god damn it fuck i'm so sick of this ghost like an annoying kid ghost now i'm soft soft. And you hear like a... In the hallway. And they'll do, do, do, do, do. Little footsteps going.

And he's like, I'll lighten up. And the door opens back up. God. Live a little. He's like, God, I fucking hate this ghost. We've got to get rid of this fucking ghost. We've got to move. Okay, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Open the door. I'm kidding. Guys, stay. Stay, I'm just kidding. We'll do a... Whatever they're called. We'll do a saging. A saging thing. Oh, no, I promise. I'll quit fucking with the doors. And as soon as you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stay. I'm just kidding. We'll do a, whatever they're called. We'll do a saging. A saging thing.

Oh, no, I promise. I'll quit fucking with the doors. And as soon as you put it back in, it's like, God damn. Okay. Fucking ghost. Fucking ghost is killing me. I dated a guy who was very full of himself and nicknamed his own penis, Son of God. He used this nickname as a setup so during sex he could say, are you ready for the second

coming of the Son of God? Yikes. And yes, I am. this is set up so during sex he could say are you ready for the second coming of the son of god yikes and yes i am you better be like you better be really good i don't need but no you better have a joe paisley cock well not just a big cock but like you know you better be good like because if you're just like yeah you like you like that she's like not really i mean oh well wait till round two yeah second coming she's like i'm an atheist oh that makes sense okay that makes sense that's a good way to cancel that i'm an atheist pull your pants up and leave i don't care how good you are at anything you fucking come out with second coming the son of god nah like you better be you better have thor's hammer down there You better have a lot You better be I don't know

Bill Gates with a honker With a hog To know what to do with it Why did I put That's so gross to me To think about Bill Gates with a huge dick And just knows how to use it

Cause there's no way he has that Well he could But he just probably doesn't know how to use it It'd have to be aftermarket I mean he has the funds to do it Like there's no way Bill Gates He went to the dick farm guy Gates just came out with a hog. He doesn't have hog energy.

No. No, that thing's barely there. Okay, what's next? Well, hogs don't care about your energy. They're just there, right? Yeah, you just gotta, they're like, hey, I'm ready when you are. There's no way he's got that. We were having sex during the quarantine period, and he stopped to say,

man, what a year. It was so out of place, and now it's becoming a running joke. God, when do you think this is going to end? Wait, what did you say? The quarantine shit. 2020. You're like, oh, I'm so done with 2020. God, it was a rough year.

I'm glad we stuck together. We figured it out. Any sort of small talk that's out of place is so funny. Just having sex, you're like, did you lock the garage door? Yeah. Oh, shoot. Did we leave the iron on? I think I should pack the car a little bit for camping tonight so we don't have to do it all in the morning.

Like, that's what, I mean, that's what a couple decades into marriage looks like, though. Yeah. That is true. Just plow and you're like oh fuck i forgot to pack lunches electricity yeah did you pay the heating bill like i asked you to you did oh good yeah you didn't anytime like like if he and for the video side i'm making this nope like this is not me slapping right the woman i'm just trying to make sex yeah yeah well you are backhanding though you're watching the video yeah you look just like i'm fucking you stupid bitch did you pay the bill no i said not what i'm doing it's more like a uh ass slap like yeah i don't

know what i'm doing trying my best to sound oh there it is yeah yep running fast i'm gonna go flip-flops uh your vagina is so warm, you could bake bread in there. What? Like that? Okay. I mean, I want to believe him. That's a hard one to believe. God, you could make a lot of stuff in here.

You know what you could do? What? You could make some bread in there. Do I have a yeast infection? That's a Yeasty Boys. Yeah, you get it. Oh, Yeasty Boys. Yeasty Boys.

All right, that's a sick bread oven. All right, we got one more? Oh, you get it. Oh, yeasty boys. Yeasty boys. All right, that's a sick bread oven. All right, we got one more? Yeah. Okay. I was having sex with this guy, and right in the middle he said, are you still friends with Lisa, that tall blonde? I want to fuck her so bad. What?

Call her. Needless to say, not only did I call her, I called him a few choice things. Who would... What? You know what this reminds me of? Oh, that really tall blonde that you that you used to be really good friends do you think she would man you know what oh why do you want three-way no i was thinking like just me and her i was thinking more like a two-way and you're

gone yeah like you're not in it it's like a three-way but you're in the living room it's like a three-way but you're making the sandwiches for after yeah but you just like take care of us afterwards yeah that's my favorite kind of fucking threesome and one last one is just he used his yoda voice which if it's like a if you're a star wars couple it's one thing like oh good that feels you know but if it's still no way but if you're but if like you're not imagine if you're just like out of the way you're like fucking you i am what what i was just kidding yeah giving you the force right oh sorry did i say that weird big penises yeah what did you just say gigantic my penises you see like she's all freaked out you're like i know i'm not

very good at it yeah that's not the problem i know i'm not good at impressions no you're not good at sex either yeah i'm working on it but now now I'm just picturing Darth Vader mask having sex. And that's funny to me. Well, they did Revenge of the Nerds. Oh, they did? Yeah. It gets faster and faster and faster. No, he raped her in that movie.

Never mind. That was a comedy. And then she fell in love with him. She fell in love with him. And they're planting cameras in the locker rooms and shit. But he dressed up like her boyfriend. They had sex. And then she realized who it was.

She's like, wow, you're better than him. And then she fell in love with him. I remember watching that along with Porky's. Oh, yeah. That one. Those are like the early. Here's my penis. Yeah.

That's funny. Were you fucking around corners? I remember that line about the old curved dick. Okay, let's move on to the next article. You want me to want me to read this one go all right um well talking about dicks again so there's that doctors surgically remove eight inch long wire from teenagers penis after it became stuck during a dangerous masturbation technique what that's so cringy oh sounding that's what it's called

get you get you in a lot of trouble sticking things up your pee hole. Shouldn't put metal up your pee hole. No, never. This teenager had to have the wire surgically removed, of course. A 17-year-old who has not been named had developed a fetish for putting electrical wire down his urethra. I'm going to go with up. I think that's an up. When things are supposed to be coming out and down, that's an up.

Right? Can we agree on that? Gravity. Yeah. It's gravity. Someone need to proofread this fucking article. Down his urethra to satisfy or intensify his orgasms. I've never fucked with this.

Does it work? What the fuck is this ad? What is that video? Which one? It was like the growth on that. Never mind. I don't know. But on one occasion, he accidentally shoved An 8 inch long wire

Too far And it became lodged Inside his penis Causing him extreme pain And a huge orgasm Just kidding But there's a There's a nice little

Medical picture of a What looks to be Some sort of wire Inside of a pee hole That's fun And then there's an x-ray I love the arrows Yeah Here here here here's the wire oh

really oh shit that's what that is i guess i was like a noodle it does look like a noodle it's pictures uh like sounding with using like a spaghetti noodle when it's hard and then you just put it in trying it out it's cooked trying to oh he's gonna he kind of you know you moistened it up a little bit that's a fun i can't imagine sticking anything in there in there no i've never never done it never had the urge to do it i'm looking now there's a picture of the wire cool so dude do you orgasm with it like i'm guessing oh god i don't know i need to i am not versed on that out like who's the first guy like you know what it would be great let's just shove shit in there yeah and like i get there's certain things like restriction

like people like you know like the blood flow thing you cut that off and then then when you let go while you're coming yeah i mean i get that i don't fuck with it but i get it um so but sticking things in is it just like is it yeah does it go in before you orgasm it has to so it blocks it so it blocks it and maybe that's like how you intensify the orgasm by like making it stay in there i think blocking it hurts it worse doesn't it i think yeah i'm not a big blocker i mean i put some i've put some been known to put some restriction stuff on my on my wiener so like fun to do cockery yeah girth that thing up you like it like that kind of stuff how do those work you just put them on your dick brian yeah i

know but like how there's way if you look on the back of the box there's one step he says put this on your ring toss yeah he says put your dick in it and you're like yeah but what is it how does it work it just restricts the like so the blood goes in and then the ring keeps it from like just being able to go right back out so like it constricts it like you're choking your ween yeah and keep yeah so it's but that that makes it feel good yeah or it keeps it hard a little bit of both i think okay i don't know you ever use one zach i have not they make ones with like little ticklers on it, like little vibrators. Turn your dick into a vibrator.

That's pretty sweet. I just want to, can I just bring you guys, actually, I think Zach's, I guess I'll bring you. Bring all the toys. Let's go to like, let's go to Adam and Eve, and we'll just, I'll just walk you down the aisle. Like, what's this? I'm like, that's a big rubber butt.

No, I know what that is. Be like, where does this go? I'm like, that? Come here, bad guy. Like, I know, I know what a cock ring is. I just don't know. I didn't know, like. I'm going to make you use it.

There's an exact purpose for it. There's a dressing room. So. You have to try it on. You have to try it on. It's too big. Too small. Spin.

Do a little spin. Let me take a look. Oh, that's way too big. You do a spin and it goes whip. It like flies off. Bling, bling, bling. Too big. Too big. Can we get a smaller size? Bling, bling. Don't And it like flies off Too big Too big

Can we get a smaller size? Don't say it like that Well it has to fit Brian I'm not walking around with you With a big old loose cock ring on there That'd be ridiculous That'd be ridiculous Alright let's steer clear of some dick talk for a little bit

Okay that sounds good Let's get a little educated with um With uh with Zach Alright Sit on his lap I'll be a cat Pretend to be a cat Just don't have a cock ring on when we Sit on his lap. I'll be a cat. Pretend to be a cat.

Just don't have a cock ring on when we sit on your lap. No promises. Zachy poo! Hey little chitrons, why don't you come take a seat on Uncle Zachy's lap? Gather around boys and girls. It's lap time with Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap you little shits. You little shits.

Sit on my lap you little shits. Alright, what are we doing today? What do you got cooking for us Uncle Zach. Sit on my lap, you little shits. You little shits. Sit on my lap, you little shits. Alright, what are we doing today? What you got cooking for us, Uncle Zach? We got something fun. Hold on, let me switch mics. Okay, switch mics. Hi. Hi. Oh, hey.

Today we're going to learn about money. Okay, money stuff. Cash money. I'm going to put my economic fucking background to use for you guys. Okay, looking forward to it. So there's four ways to spend money according to a few economists uh one of them is spending your money on yourself okay so imagine how much time you spend if you're picking out like the studio how long did you spend picking out each piece long time right if there's anything for yourself when you're spending your

money that you worked hard on don't treat yourself yeah so you put the most effort into self getting getting the most value for your money and getting the highest quality does it count like spending money on rent and stuff is that on yourself no well this is kind of like more gifts and just how money flows okay okay non-necessity would you say that yeah i guess so we'll get to this you'll see it's really just shut up joe you stoop big dumb bitch it's really the philosophy of our minds kick the back of my chair in the classroom shut up you fucking idiot all right sorry zach go ahead no it's all good it's really just how we think about money okay so we spend more time thinking about when we spend our own hard-earned money on ourselves and so you get the highest value so if you're going to think about it think of four ways of spending money in

like a box like with four boxes in it this is the best way to spend money is on yourself you get the highest value highest quality got it the second best way is to spend your money on someone else all right so if you think about buying a gift for someone you know how hard you work to make the money still but now it's not about you and so you might spend you might take a discount or you might get something like instead of the xc you get the le okay so like i'm gonna buy i bought myself an iphone like 14 max but i bought you an iphone 14 exactly okay or you you bought yourself a giant switch blade you got me like i do a tiny one it's still a switch blade but still nice yeah like what are you complaining about switchblade you're looking at mine you're like okay yours is bigger bigger

though well you're so big okay got it okay so most people won't agonize as much on getting the best quality for someone else as themselves you look for that deal and then and you know they'll get quality but it won't be as high as what you got for yourself so that's the second best value now you have when you spend someone else's money on yourself fuck yeah yeah so think about when the boss gives you the company card so how do you spend yeah exactly do you get dessert do you get fuck yeah you do yeah you get the lobster stuffed in a fucking steak i think i will have another round of top golf thank you you get the wine you get all that stuff just went to a top golf by the way guys it's been a while now there's still fun they're still fun right you know what the fuck i'm talking about cool dude fuck yeah top golf

sauce i want to remind you guys it's time to might drop in thanks did you do driving is that what you did all the things into all the holes Where is it at? This one was in San Francisco Oh I was going to say There's another one around here San Jose I don't know why I guess When I brought up

Spending money at San Jose We get it You go cool places Joe God damn it You do go cool places Cool Joe and his big dick I was like

Hey Joe what are you up to? Did you even use a club Or did you just swing your dick At Topgolf? I just stood next to the ball And got hard Yeah last time I saw I sent him a message He's like i can't talk right now i'm at a baseball game it's in san francisco it's like you don't live there you son of a bitch all right guys

all right okay that's the third way got it well yeah people care less about the cost and often they'll things they'll think things like oh the boss can afford it like you know or i deserve this or whatever you didn't earn the money so the money gets wasted a little bit more okay but your quality will be high on yourself okay that's the third best way to spend so not good now the last way this is the worst way to spend money spending someone else's money on someone else so not only do you not know where the money came from that you're spending but you don't know who it's being spent on so your human care meter is at its lowest and that's back to the monkey sphere right okay so they're just faceless nameless people both the the source of the money and where it's going so you can't you cannot physically care as much and it maximizes waste

and minimizes efficiency and when you think about it this is how government spends money they take money from faceless masses and redistribute it to nameless recipients okay and this is probably why i don't know for sure why there are 500 hammers and a thousand dollar toilet seats in the government receipts right because they don't give a fuck because monkeys fear yeah so when you think about the areas that do this like if you think about just government schools we know for a fact that private schools crush government schools right it's possible that that's because government schools are funded by people that nobody knows who where the money comes from and you know you don't know the names of the kids it's just going to random stuff private school you're spending your money on that education so you're going to talk to the

teachers more just depends i don't know if that's for sure but it kind of speaks to whenever you see government spending money they do it the worst possible way. So that's why whenever I hear people talk about like, hey, we need the government to fix this thing. It's like, well, maybe we should think about a private solution before, you know, a coalition of people. Because if you do charity and you give money to a homeless person, that's the effective way of spending your money on someone else. That's better than, say, having the government do it do it because they won't they'll have the big bureaucracy they'll have you know and it's often it's often where the stereotype of government workers all standing around a hole it's so true in a lot of ways because they just they don't care like there's

you have a job and you just send five people to go do a job they don't know what the job is and so you have one person digging and then five people watching that person dig it feels like it's kind of the nature of so true when you mix the monkey sphere with these four ways of spending money you see a lot of the problems that we have we can't care but we pretend overlap we pretend the solution to everything is the government way to spend money but it's just demonstrably false so that's my that's my follow-up to the monkey sphere what about charities where did where would we put charities in this box of money they're pretty much the same as government in a lot of

ways it depends on the charity like more targeted like because you know you know whatever let's just pick one i don't know one that i'm just thinking about right now would be Oprah and The Rock. And raising a bunch of money to give money to Maui. Right. After their natural, their fire situation. Well, they're raising money from people they don't know. Right. And giving it to people they don't know.

Yeah. Which is still probably the only way to do that. But they have a connection. They love that place. Right. So is that limit, like, is that a little bit better? It is a little better. Is there some sort of personal tie to it if there was a if you knew the charity and you knew that the charity was you know scrupulous and they didn't

spend 90 of the money on the building and their pay you know that's that's kind of where you find that but it's still a less efficient way of spending money it'd be better if oprah just gave you know if she could went to each person and gave them the money yeah you know that would be better i guess yeah it's it kind of leaks itself back into the second option like your money on something that you like at least you feel like you know where it's going yeah yeah you feel like it's a person but then they're spending it on people that they don't know but yeah well if you if you're let's say you're at a store or like i go to petco to get food or whatever and it says you want to donate money to um the dog foundation

and you're like of course i want to save the dogs but like how much of that money is help actually helping dogs and not just paying for someone that's that's the thing with charities there's such a yeah you don't know there's a spectrum of charities that a lot of them are just making money yeah i was curious what that would lie on the spectrum, where charities would be. So what you're saying is, quit spending money on other people. Is that what you're saying? Just be selfish as fuck and only spend on yourself. No, what I wish I could do, I just had this thought the other day.

There were these two people walking across the street. They were leaving a grocery store. And they were walking either home or walking to the bus. And they were carrying a grocery store and they were walking either home or walking to the bus and they were carrying a bunch of bags and I just had this thought of being like God I wish I could just I wish I had the funds where I could just walk up and be like here take this car

and just give them the car and I was like I'll find a way home I'll buy another car but here just take this my other car is driving itself here I think about that all the time it was like fuck that's if i had a ton of money i know that about myself that that's what i would do because i do that now when i like i just give things away and uh people have to tell me like well you could have sold that i'm like well i could have but they didn't they didn't

yeah this person didn't have that i just wanted to give it to him yeah the 50 bucks that i could have made them pay me was not going to change my life so yeah it was like but it's going to change theirs yeah exactly that's one of the things i love about podcasting is as these big audiences grow and grow it gives us the ability to raise money for things that we want to help with i like that a lot about podcasting yeah Yeah. And we have wonderful people that listen to us. Well, yeah, there's usually like a solid foundation of people listening. And you build a nice little community. Going to the third option about spending someone else's money on something, like a business. Yeah, yeah.

I think I always do ask up front, like, okay, especially when it comes to video and audio shit. It's like, okay, no, I got it. Like I can do this. I can build this studio where you got,

but you got to look at this with me. Where do you want me to cut corners? And where do you not like, or do you not want to cut any corners and you want the best shit on everything? Or do you just want like the most important things to be the best and everything else? You're like, I don't fucking care. Because I, because there's that's the difference between a studio costing uh three thousand dollars and thirty thousand dollars like it's a huge difference

between the best equipment and stuff that like will probably work but you don't really know yeah i've been i've worked at jobs where we needed media equipment for videos and for shooting stuff and they're like well we got x amount of dollars to spend i'm like good luck okay okay yeah have fun yeah because because people don't know what is takes to do certain things it's like anything else so like i don't know what it takes to build a house you know and someone that's really proficient that can break it down so if you say i want to spend five grand they're like yeah right but in my head i'm like well i don't know i'd maybe maybe you want to redo the the whole basement you just want to redo this corner yeah because

and it's gonna be way more than that bud i could drywall that wall just that's it no mud nothing else yeah all you're gonna get for 500 bucks yeah um that all makes sense well in the scenario that you said you would probably you know spending someone else's money on not really on yourself but on your job yeah you're making your job better you would probably if they didn't give you a limit you would go but get the best stuff i mean i watched you do that i know you did you did cut some corners but not really yeah well then i also but i was also told to get the best stuff. Right, right, right.

But even then, I did. But it went over budget, probably. Oh, yeah. You're pretty good at that shit, though. I did cut some corners. Even knowing I could have gotten the best of something, I know that it doesn't matter. There's certain things that it doesn't matter if it's the best or it's not. They're all the fucking same.

It's like uh like a designer brand same thing it's like this is a t-shirt but then this one was made by fucking yeezy so it's five thousand dollars like it's still a t-shirt well then so there's that in every single field where you can just compromise marilyn manson i i saw this one time marilyn manson shirts you know they go for 20 bucks the one one with this face for years and years. And then Justin Bieber licensed that design and sold it through his thing. And it was like a $300 shirt. It was the same.

I don't know if it was a different material. Probably not. But it was the same exact shirt, same design. It was like a $300 shirt. Fuck, man. That same shirt that you get at hot topic for 25 bucks but what if you're buying it for yourself we back into box one the best way to spend money that is not the best way to spend money unless you really i guess so if you care about a 300 shirt well if

you want to be able to say this is like a lot of people didn't probably didn't know who manson was they just like it's part of justin bieber's line so they just wanted that shirt not realizing you could go to hot topic and get it for 25 bucks yeah absolutely well that was that was fascinating stuff lap time zach zacky packy that was a lot of fun so make sure when somebody says hey let the government do it just remember it's the worst way for money to be used yeah it's not very uh effective or efficient one thousand dollar toilets yeah good stuff all right man well thank you thanks for the lesson love you my pleasure It's not very effective or efficient. $1,000 toilets. Yeah.

Good stuff. All right, man. Well, thank you. Thanks for the lesson. Love you. My pleasure. Love you. All right. Let's take a look at something that, did you, is this good news or did you find something

on the web? What are we looking at? So this, this is the egg story. All right. It's not necessarily like, I mean, it is good news. Okay. It's positive. All right.

Roll it, Zach. The internet is good news. It's positive. All right, roll it, Zach. The internet is pretty wild. Depending on your browsing habits, you can either experience something super cool or go to prison. Crazy, right? Let's check it out together as a couple. Hey, look what I found. Yes! That's awesome!

Show me. I say this a lot, but I got gotta see that video of that dude dancing without it moving around the debt in the intro that's just one of my favorite things in all time find the raw footage of that yeah um so this is a crazy story about an egg and an old lady sounds like opening of a children's book um there once was a woman who had an egg had an egg old lady mary faust stern and several of her friends were packing eggs into cartons at an iowa factory in 1951 when they hatched a goofy plan to liven up their work day you know it'd be silly so there's a long article i'm not going to read the whole thing so basically what they did was they wrote on some eggs and then

this woman wrote whoever gets this egg, please write me. Because they thought it would go out into the thing in maybe a few days, a few weeks, a few months. Maybe something happened. Some time went by. Nothing ever happened. It was like, well, that didn't work. You don't really think about it. Must have broke.

Right. Yeah, someone used it, and then they they broke and then they got a million dollars. That's the whole thing. Um, but then, so long story short, 70 years later, whatever it was,

that it had been, someone had found this thing and saw what it is and they'd kept it for forever and passed it down to someone else. Then the, this person had that yeah found out the person's name looked up all did all this research to find the woman yeah and she was still alive what so she's like 90 something yeah she was 90 i think she was like 92 or something like yeah she's now 92 um and so the the egg the whole thing found the way back to they got a hold of this woman and she's like hey remember the egg that you signed 70 years ago or whatever that and that's so i don't know that's so crazy to me something that you did

70 i mean fucking a lot of people don't live to 70 and you're just you're just like hey remember that thing you did when you were 18 she's like no she's like i don't know i don't remember when i was i don't remember being 70 i don't remember yesterday what the fucking egg are you talking about but it lasted that fucking long that's cool and of course if she remembers like the nostalgia or like you place yourself back her friends are probably all gone maybe she hated working there yeah she's like like ptsd that'd be terrible and then remember this egg you signed yeah freaks out heart attack what whoever got the egg first kind of a dick move to just look at it be like that's kind of

cool and just put it up yeah it's like if you went to the imagining a message in the bottle you're you know what you're down at the ocean you're depressed you're sad right and you're like i'm gonna see some waves you're standing down there and you're throwing rocks in the ocean and uh message in a bottle rolls up and you grab it and you look at it and you just fucking throw it into the rocks like not my problem stupid message monkey spear baby not my problem not my problem fuck you yeah ladies not in the monkey such a dick move you get out and you read it it's like please hell it has like all these things let's say like 15 people have all signed it and put it back out into the water and there's like a blank spot you find it's like just sign it and let it go and you're like man throw it in the fire pit and start your fire with it this is such a dick thing that's funny i was also thinking back i was also thinking like

they're stranded on an island we're on an island 15 15 miles west of hawaii please help us this is today's date the guy's like he's not having 15 miles more like 18 i'm not fucking going there it's not worth my time West Barely I know exactly what island You're talking about

You fucking idiot That was Gilligan's Island You'd be lost forever Idiots I saw that show It was a joke We're on this island Blah blah

Here's the date We only have rations For three more weeks And like you look at it And it's You know it's just over three weeks And you're like Nah they're probably dead

Yeah Nah Everyone always eats a little more Than they're probably dead. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone always eats a little more than they're supposed to on those islands. Yeah. In a starving situation. Yeah. Some asshole ate half the rations because he was hungry. I don't even have a boat.

What am I going to do with it? Throw it into the trees. I love the idea that he just lights it on fire, starts his fire with it. He's like, I'm freezing. Yeah. He's so cold. He's like, ah, it sucks. And then the with it it's like i'm freezing yeah he's so cold he's like ah it sucks and then the flames raise they go like that and then it dissolves back to the island and you see the people see the people like someone's gonna help us yeah i know i have a good feeling about

it yeah the camera you know cuts dissolves back over and it's their fire going out and their hands are freezing all right okay well you're gonna show me something you found this week hey real quick yeah i this is hooray we're not doomed right uh this yeah this is hooray we're not doomed okay well i did a dumb producer thing and pitched the wrong thing so you can hear the intro twice oh that's okay i'm an idiot i was juggling i had to do my segment and then do the next one oh yeah it's so hard well how about we just don't even do the segment thing we just do two hey look what i found yeah okay great yeah because it wasn't really like we're not doomed yeah that's pretty cool though because somebody did hang on to it for too long and didn't give it back so all right what's the other thing that you found um this was sent in

by our son luke okay what luke do uh he what did he write what'd you write luke sent he said sent in by her stupid disappointment of his son those were his words yeah well i was gonna say something but um so he sent a link to a movie called the aeronauts okay and it's about fucking hot air balloons fucking them yeah what no it's about i think it's based on a true story about like one of the original like i think there were um ballooners for like but it was actually for weather they're like if we can if we can harness the power yeah if we can find out the weather we could save lives but it's the dude that played uh it's the dude that played the uh what's his name the scientist that died it was in the wheelchair um uh god damn it

stephen hawking stephen hawking it's that eddie redmayne guy oh and felicity jones i like her there's something about her mouth she's got a pretty mouth yeah anyway it looks like a pretty decent movie are we gonna should we play a little bit of the trailer no i'm bringing it up okay oh shit now i'm bringing it up. Okay. Oh, shit. Now I'm bringing it up. Not yet. Will you help me? You're incredibly late. Are you ready? You have no conception of how ready I am.

Oh, and they're getting right in that balloon. Yeah, and she's in the basket. Inspired by true events. Inspired by. I love that. Oh, no. There's a big storm. That's my picture. This is how every hot air balloon trip goes.

You have experience of lack of oxygen to the brain. What have we to lose? Our lives. This is going to be more important than our lives. This is more important than our lives. This is the funny thing about that whole that whole movie right has ever been is them saying inspired on true events because you know the real event was them sitting in a wet basket yeah like that's there's no hollywood's not not

making that movie they're just like this sucks flying around in a storm like the real one is like they're just wet and they're hanging off ropes it's like a fucking action movie it's a mission it could be a mission impossible yeah it looks that's what it looked like there's what's the scene right at the end here when um it's like there's titanic they're up it's fucking freezing look yeah james and the giant look at she's climbing up on top of this thing and it's frozen watch watch this okay something cool gonna happen oh see slippies start sliding up yeah okay but the real story, they're just wet. They're in a wet basket and they're cold.

They're cold. Yeah, and they're like, this is a bad idea. Yeah. Roll credits. Like, we never should have gotten this hot air balloon. Steven Spielberg. We should have never have done this. This was a terrible idea.

It's a terrible idea. Tim Burton. It does look like a Tim Burton movie. It does. Okay. Well, that's good. Maybe we should have a little watch. We should try to watch it. Yeah it yeah it doesn't have great reviews i'll see them out in the corner but i'm not gonna read them i don't want to know i don't have any spoilers yeah i don't care about reviews fuck them fuck them dude all right let's hear from some of the kids all right he's

oh no you ready what are you doing all right let's hear what you guys think really you want to talk to me wow that's cool I want you to pretend Chloe's bothering you once I fuck up once then it's like 60 times after that you're spiraling out there like what are you doing you're fucking everything up

I'm just sweating in my head when I was running graphics and audio for the new for fucking live news. Fuck shit. Have you ever heard of the news? The news. Dude, it was terrifying because you would do something and then you'd be late and they're

like, can we get this thing? I'm like, I'm trying. And then you, so then you fall backwards and you're like trying to catch up. So you're going too fast. The best is when you overlay two graphics. You put one up and like shit and you try to get it off and then you just lay another one like sideways on it. And then I advance the font and it's like the wrong name like oh fuck i do that

so much and as we done that was ridiculous okay i can't undo this now i'm like joe can you come out of there and come in and come in and fix these um okay let's let's let's listen to the to what's happening in the world cool setup this is coming in from our hoodlum son, Curtis, who writes, Oh, I remember reading. This guy, he just went on a tear. Yeah. Okay.

I'm going to try and read it because there's so many caps. I'm going to try and do the proper reading of the caps. It says, Hey, fuck force 2.0. Sorry. I don't call y'all daddy. As the only person I refer to that is my wife.

Recently became part of the gaggle so i'm taking my next round through the catalog for the bonus content third round to be honest this is your drunk as fuck son curtis writing it about shit i did as a kid for starters my buddy darren and i used to do a lot of stupid shit have you ever heard of spear grass if not i was hoping you were gonna do that imagine aerodynamic cactus needles that stick in your skin when thrown but it's not long fucking grass seeds i love the drunkness in here it's like the way that i mean you know it's not like it's just fucking fucking regular fucking grass. Like a little fucking fairy spears. Thank you, Central Texas.

Also, when you run out of BBs during a one-on-one BB gunfight, what do you use for ammo? How about grasshoppers? Yes, but you haven't truly lived until you had a bunch of still twitching grasshopper legs embedded in your skin. When you grow up in the county. Country. Country. Where the nearest gas station is eight miles away, sometimes the thought is, it probably won't kill me. Like getting drunk at your buddy's 18th birthday party and jumping his neighbor's fence to ride the cows. Or working at an exotic animal auction where they have gnu and water buffalo.

Which your best friend tries to shock with a cattle prod in the fucking nuts while you're 12 foot up on a catwalk trying to manually operate a wooden gate.

This is so funny. Anyway, just thought I'd share a bit about just a fraction of the interesting and dumb shit I've done as a dumbass teenager. Love you daddies

and love being a part of the gaggle. He just calls daddies. Yep, you fucking did it. P.S. Don't tell my wife about calling y'all daddy. That's how he spelled. That's how he spelled bye.

He spelled bye. Bye. That was fun. That was a wild adventure. Yeah, I love that. Good stuff. All right. What's the second?

Our second email came from our son, Jonathan. This is a funny open. Is it? Yeah. Go ahead. Oh, I thought you meant the title. No. Bonjour, hog sniffers.

While away for a birthday trip to Hilton Head, South Carolina. What the fuck is that? Hilton Head? Hilton Head, South Carolina. What the fuck is that? Hilton Head? Hilton Head, South Carolina. My three-year-old son and I decided some barbecue at a recently reviewed local spot. After getting seated and browsing the menu, I couldn't help but notice

the lifted Suburban with borderline illegal tents that arrived. I see it. Shortly thereafter, the waitress seated the family close by us. Okay. The dad looked like... The dad looked like if Lou Frigno and... So, anybody that doesn't know Lou Frigno, he's the Hulk. Lou Frigno and Steve Buscemi had a baby.

Picturing those cats. Those faces on some cats. Okay. Most certainly, he most certainly abused steroids and was wearing the tightest affliction shirt I'd ever seen. After an unhealthy, overtanned wife made a comment about their kid's behavior, he dug his nails into the table and muttered something under his breath with his eyes closed while his neck veins pulsated. Jesus. His shirt is just like. neck veins pulsated Jesus scary guy his shirt is just like

you can see the fabric snapping like oh come on hold on what's he gonna do no shirt no service right at that moment the waitress asked if they wanted to start off with some drinks this guy picked his

head up and with his eyes still closed, with one fell swoop, cracked all the bones in his neck. With his left hand, he held it for a minute. Then out with a sigh, he just emptied his balls. Like he just emptied his balls.

Red flags went up for sure. I immediately started assessing my exit strategy if the guy flipped over the table and started shooting up the place nice thank you forever for making me acutely aware and paranoid the danger may crack their next pose love a show and live for wednesdays now i mean you're just you know what the topper would have been you know you have to go to a new restaurant if that guy had fingerless leather gloves on. Like that shirt, that face, scratching the table and going, what the fucking heck? Hey, me. What if that's what he was saying to himself?

Yeah. Hey, me. Grabbing the table like, hey, me. It's me again. Don't do anything stupid. Remember last time? Do a thing that I wouldn't do. What's the thing about regret? You can't change it.

Hey, me. That would be terrifying to hear somebody say that to themselves. Like the opening of every internal dialogue is like, hey, me, it's me again. It's me again. Oh, God. Oh, no. This guy's like a mental diary. I killed a man today.

I killed this guy. And he's in the back of my Suburban. And my family doesn't know. I could probably kill them and get away with it. You're just playing in your room and Suburbans are huge. Can I get you guys any drinks? She'll fit in there, too. Hey, you, it's me again.

Okay. Let's get out of here. That was a fun episode. Hey, hey you it's me again okay let's get out of here that's a that's a fun episode hey you it's me good stuff uh sign up to part of the gaggle hey over 25 hours of bonus content i don't even know where we're at at this point we're recording quite a ways in in the future might be over 26 27 now patreon.com slash can you don't podcast there's three different tiers you get merch discounts all that shit so go check it out the link to Daniel's Zach talked about at the front let his house burn down all of his shit lost in a fire

up here in the northwest we have a link to his GoFundMe in the episode description as well if you can donate then that would be greatly appreciated you can also head over and check out everything that Scatcast has going on. They're also selling some spoons. Get some spoons. Spoon, man.

Come together with your spoons. With your spoons. And your money. Come together with that link. Scatcast. S-K-A-T-C-A-S-T dot com. All the podcasts that Mr. Flannery does. I never even say your last name. You're just fucking Zach.

Mr. Flannery. Mr. Flans. I guess I do sometimes say Flannery. But all the shows you do, plus you can check out those spoons at scatcast.com. Thanks to all the babysitters that run the Facebook page. That's awesome. If you can rate and review us wherever you listen to the podcast, it just takes five seconds. It does huge things for our show, so please consider doing that. And then send in content you want to see on the show to hey guys at can you don't podcast.com what a pro thanks dude what do you have for the end of the shit fucking thing uh little little joke little joke little jokey poo all right let's fucking hit good god wrap it up already? They're coming for the eggs.

It's a drive-by attempt, Frank. The neighbor's car backfiring. They're coming for the eggs. Just promise me, everyone listening, look it up. You have to look it up. Just put emu and just put coming for the eggs. That's all you need. It'll make your day.

It will. All right, hit me with a juggy. Hit me with your best joke. Okay, how do you get a good price on a sled? Steal it? No. You have to bargain.

You have to bargain. I get it because it's a toboggan and a bargain. Yeah. It's a toboggan. And you're from New York or wherever,

wherever they talk like that. You have to bargain. How do you get a good deal on a sled? You're like, what? You have to bargain yeah it's a to bargain and you're from new york or wherever however wherever they talk like that you have to bargain how do you get a good deal on a sled you're like what you have to bargain for it you have to bargain for it well you have to find one that's on sale good fact you gotta find one that's on sac toy yeah love that go to a pawn shop get yourself a you idiot quit playing full full price for toboggans what What? Refused to buy full price. Anybody, that's why I never buy new, man. As soon as you drive the toboggan off the lot, the value just fucking diminishes. Whip, whip. Slides right out below you.

That's right. Lickety split, right? It's like, is this a fucking joke or a lesson? It just keeps snowballing, too. It keeps dropping. I get it. Snowballs. Okay.

Let's fuck this. Kids, we'll see you guys next week. You part of the gaggle the show keeps going we'll be in the new studio oh yeah next week that's exciting oh yeah let's say goodbye to the studio bye studio bye loved you you did a good job got the show going we're moving to a new spot i don't even we don't really even know what the background going to look like in the new one, but you're going to find out when we do. Yay. That's. What? Risky.

What? They're going to find out when we do? Kind of. Because we don't really know. It's going to be something like what it is right now. We just don't know exactly what, because the space isn't the exact same. So we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out.

We'll finger it out. All right. Fucking bye. Bye.